2006-01-12 Show (part 1)

Today is Thursday.

God to God.

Which one?

He thinks he's Jesus.

It's not bad.

Oh, perhaps not.

When he decides to announce it to the Lord, he's mad.

They'll knock him out.

We're at the Republic.

My friend, this could be the best thing that ever happened.

Those who believe life here began out there, far across the universe.

Tribes of humans may have been the forefathers of the Egyptians.

Altex or the Mayans.

They may have been the architects of the Great Pyramids.

Lost civilizations of Lemuria or Atlantis.

Some believe that there may yet be brothers of man

who even now fight to survive somewhere beyond the heavens.

There will be no order, only chaos.

It is an exclusive of PC Radio and MadhouseLive.com.

A grill from RealReal?

Riff.

I take Riff today.

Maybe he's only a little crazy, like painters, or composers, or some of those men in Washington.

And I'm your butcher, crackin' for y'all

Cap kickin' a nasty 50 rap

Shit get his ass, blown A's

20, you can get your ass

My doubt is issue

Get the 3, Detroit to Eastside

The pill, I helped invent it

It helps keep people alive

And that's why I do this after all

We had just started working on this when my father's heart problem started

It usually takes about 15 years to get a new drug ready

This one took almost 20

When it takes that long, the two things keep us from going to hell

Applying today's medicines, finance tomorrow's miracles.

And believe it or not, seven hours after this fire started,

there is still smoke coming through the roof from one of the classrooms

that has prompted firefighters to return here.

From what we understand, that at this hour,

Emperor Elementary School will reopen today.

And it may not just be teachers quizzing the 600 students

that are enrolled from K through 6th grade,

but L.A. County arson investigators as well.

After a fire started late last night,

that gutted three classrooms and completely destroyed them,

also damaging a fourth classroom.

A Temple City Unified School Board member

described flames coming through the roof.

Firefighters knocked it down just before midnight.

It took almost an hour to put it out.

That's when investigators stepped in.

Damage was not the only thing, however, that they discovered.

There was some graffiti targeted towards...

Get by, get by, getting by, fighting for a slice of the pie, trying to eat and be high, how you know you really alive, you don't reach for the sky, your eyes just keep on the prize, what you seek you buy, cause that we let the beside, who keeping it lie, Brooklyn got the key to the ride, come on.

So, all of you Africans, all of you Africans that know what the food is, that's what it is for all the people, y'all need to open your own business, save your money, quit paying motherfuckers for Jerry girls, quit paying motherfuckers for primes, save your money, start your own business.

That's all I got.

I'm ready, let's do work.

Let's do work, fam.

Out my bed, come in a two-sail, with my homie Lil' Hap.

There was the auto-yate, it's a raw shank, but your shank is...

You

who shoots you in the ass with the bb gun lay there in the tall grass and laugh at what

i put a blood blister upon each bun i'd like to shoot you in the ass with the bb gun i'd love to

rub your toothbrush on a sick monkey's butt give your home phone number to some perverted nut

Tell everybody what you're really weighing

Then just for fun

I'd like to shoot you in the ass

With a BB gun

I'd like to shoot you in the ass

With a BB gun

Lay there in the tall grass

And wait for the cops to come

Put a blood blister upon each bun

I'd like to shoot you in the ass

With a BB gun

I'd love to kick your poodle

I'd love to slang your cat

bust your yanni cds with a baseball bat and your fat mama sailing like the flying nun i'd like to

shoot you in the ass with a bb gun i'd like to shoot you in the ass with the bb gun lay there

in the tall grass and wait for the cops to come put a blood blister up on each bun i'd like to

I squirtin' ass with a Red Ryder BB gun

I stand back trying to suck you off my balls with my motherfuckin' pump

Very packin' flavor like Lifesavers, ain't that something?

Your whole fuckin' block pumpin'

Don't sweat, but check the technique

Johnny Plumber Rockets, it's big as green cheese

Compton, they'll squeeze my cross

Last

Last time I see you was boot up ready for a new fuck

Last time you saw me I was PI to the motherfuckin' MP

Lately I heard you's a broke bitch livin' in a lower class suburb

And lately the word is I live in a suburb and I don't fuck with birds

Used to pump on the block, sell a nigga rocks, bail a nigga out

But you tried to plot on a nigga, fakin' live one shot, bitch died, go figure

He used to be this bitch, gave her lots of shit, fucks for him with this nigga, man

He used to bring it through the hood, bitch too fuckin' good, my opinion

We used to blaze with the faded off the licks, she X-rated the clip

Bought braids for the bitch, Louis Vuitton kicks a trick, don't suck shit

Meanwhile in the hood, she drivin' around good, this bitch think she in Hollywood

Meantime, she settin' the nigga up, tellin' us what is stuff, she ready to get him stuck, what?

Dick ties, but she full of surprises, I swear this bitch is shady

That's what I know, sex on her mind all the time, and you bet your baby

You don't know that's livin' up safe

For the right time to get richer

Decided when the hit was run up on em

45 in the ribs, what?

Niggas scream like a bitch

Showed us what is shit, hit a hell of a lick

But, bitch, who told us about the bricks

Exposed us to the nigga, he knew that we come

Meanwhile in his hood, his niggas is suitin' up

From Tim to loot it up

Rims and new trucks, your man livin' it up

Then the van with no hubs suddenly pulled up

And shot a nigga the fuck up

Just my luck, the bitch got us

Both touches like a rush, the bitch who blushed

Smoked blunts with us, turned out to be nuts

Switched up, mixed up with the wrong slut

Got my frame zipped up in a bag, it's all bad

My niggas got my back, in fact, they caught on the air

Flossing in another nigga cab

Dick dies, but she full of surprises

I swear this bitch is shady, that's what I know

Sex on her mind all the time, and you been baby

Slit a song, y'all can step with

Me to bring rap justice

Send a whole lot, describe us as soldier survivors

Stay laced in the best, well dressed with finesse

In the white team, looking for talk so nicely

Put her in the coupe so she can feel the nice breeze

We can drive through the city no doubt

But don't say my car's topless

This here's the anthem, put your hand up

That you shoot with, count your look with

Push the pool slick and your new crib

Same hand that you hook with

Swing around like you sit down, been there

You know I click clack, where you and your men's at

Do the smurf, do the wop, baseball bat

They shoot, ah, made you look You a slave to a page in my rhyme book

Gettin' big money, playboy, your time's up Gangsters, what's that?

They shoot, ah, made you look You a slave to a page in my rhyme book

Gettin' big money, playboy, your time's up Where them gangsters at? Where them dimes at?

This ain't rappin', this is street hop Now get up off your ass like your seat's hot

My live niggas lit up the reefer Trunk of the car, we got the street sweeper

Start none, won't be none, no reason for your mans to panic

You don't wanna see no ambulances, knock a pimp's drink down in his pimp cup

That's the way you get Timberland up, the music defuse all attention

Ball up convention, free admission, hustlers, dealers and killers

Can move swift, girls get close, you can feel with my just coming homies

Paroles, get money, leave the beep alone slowly

Get out, miss you people, sofas laid to a page in my rhyme book

Money, playboy, your time's up

Instance, ah, made you look

You a slave to a page in my rhyme book

Money, playboy, your time's up

A mood is real rude, I lay you out, show you what still do

Cause don't box my pump shot of lodges

Every invitation to fight your punk asses

Like Punch said, you ain't even in me class

A made batch, Ben's backseat, TV plasma

Ladies looking for athletes or rappers

Whatever you choose, whatever you do

Make sure he a thug and intelligent too

Like a real thoroughbred is

show me love let me feel how the head is females who's the sexiest is always the nastiest and i

like a little sassiness a lot of class mommy reaching your bag past the fifth i'm a leader

at last it's a darn you wit my nines are spit niggas lose consciousness

Dab to the tone. Your voicemail will be delivered immediately.

The

show's about to begin.

It's a struggle, but it's a beautiful struggle.

Yeah.

Thursday night Eastern on PCU Radio.

You are missing us.

You want to marry an altar boy?

Yes.

Well, I'm going to give me your name so I can call the police,

because that's illegal here to try to marry a same-sex or a child.

It's not. I saw that John Kerry said it was legal, a civil union.

Well, I don't care what John Kerry said.

It's not illegal.

But I'm not. It is illegal.

If you marry an altar boy, you're going to get locked up.

So give me your name again.

Well, we're not married yet, you know.

Well, you're not going to get married at our chapel, sir,

because we don't do that.

Do you know anywhere that Matt is not there?

I don't have no idea, sir.

You called the wrong number,

and if you call back, I want to just call Trace.

Oh, yes.

So I can police on you.

Don't miss The Madhouse every Thursday night

at 10 p.m. on PCUradio.com.

Entertained?

Are you not entertained?

Is this not why you are here?

Today is Thursday.

Come a god.

Oh, you're a god, too.

You're not.

God?

Which one?

He thinks he's genius.

Sounds bad, but...

Oh, perhaps not.

When he decides to announce it to the Lord,

he's mad, they'll knock him off.

We'll have the Republic back.

My friend, this could be the best thing that ever happened.

For those who believe life here began out there

or across the universe,

tribes of humans may have been the forefathers

of the Egyptians, Baltics, or the Mayans.

They may have been the architects of the Great Pyramids,

lost civilizations of Lemuria or Atlantis.

Some believe that there may yet be brothers of man

who even now fight to survive somewhere beyond the heavens.

There will be no order, only chaos.

The following is an exclusive of PCU Radio and MadhouseLive.com.

Drug Reel from Real Reel.

Chris, my take was today.

maybe he's only a little crazy like painters or composers or or some of those men in washington

everybody you're listening to loud music you're listening to uh the thursday january 12th edition

of the madhouse doesn't it sound bad what you hear a difference in my voice yeah yes though

Yeah, it's this phone.

I got drunk one night and I broke that phone.

I actually only disconnected it.

I'm eating live on the air.

That's kind of weird too.

Anyway, what's going on everybody?

There we go.

We'll do that first.

See, that's better.

But when I do calls, I got to plug it in like that.

Apparently.

Whatever.

So we can do it with this.

That'll be fixed by next week.

I'll have to buy a new phone.

Hopefully, if I got enough money.

So, yeah, you're listening to the Madhouse as I said before.

It's Thursday night at 10 p.m.

Well, it's 10-10 at this point.

10-11.

Sorry for starting late, but we're trying.

You can catch us on AOL Instant Messenger at Madhouse Radio.

That's Madhouse Radio.

And also on our chat room for the time being at kdkprankcalls.com.

Here in the studio with me, first of all, I have Andy to my right.

What's up, Andy?

Hey, how you doing, Carlito?

Thank you for showing up.

All right, good to be here.

Yeah, Athena's behind us here.

Athena, how you doing?

She yells hi.

And then Milkman, what's up, Milkman?

Hey, what are you saying?

not bad man how you been today i'm doing real good man i just been out poking around there

and just thought i'd get in the head join in the madhouse there you go testify there you go well

look man i've had a horrible day have you heard what happened to me right i talked to you earlier

today oh man yeah man i think things have changed for me i've actually lost my job today i was i

was um what yeah i i lost my job i was told that my position has been eliminated at my job so

Wait a minute, KDK didn't get fired, you did?

No, not KDK.

KDK, he doesn't, he couldn't fire me.

God, what an idiot.

Come on now.

Wait a minute.

If you're fired, who's going to stop the Redcoats?

That's what I'm talking about.

Yeah.

Well, no, I got fired from my normal 9-to-5 job.

It's a human job.

Yeah, my real-world job.

So here I am, I'm a full-time member of PCU now, seriously.

um yes i'll be probably living off unemployment and uh finding a new job hopefully soon um all

right well that's what's up with me but i'm doing okay i suppose um also uh we're coming to you i

guess live from the new studio for the madhouse our new place in orlando we've moved uh to a much

larger place and have a much better um setup now here so uh yeah no more of the internet problems

i'm um i'm assuming no more of the internet problems i had in the past so uh that was a

a good thing, because last week's show got cut off

right when it started

heating up, right, Milkman? I'm sure you remember that.

Prematurely, man.

Excuse me. Yeah, I had a reclute about to do

prank calls and shit, and we had to shut it off.

You know reclute, right? You've heard from him.

Yeah, you've heard from him.

Anyway, we'll be taking your

calls tonight, toll-free, at

1-888-278-8509.

Again, if you'd like to call

toll-free, we'll put you live

on the air to talk or do a prank

or just make a call, whatever you want

to do you can join us here at 1-888-278-8509 and that's not activated yet but that'll be active

soon and i'll let you guys know when it's activated uh for the time being we're gonna

continue setting up here um milkman how can you reach us um on the chat room if you want to throw

that out to everybody real quick hello milkman oh well all you gotta do is just tune your channel

selector in the irc.lazy-net.be the good old irc way or you can just jump in at kdkprankcalls.com

click the icon top of the page that says chat and you're in here with the madhouse crew right

so again that's kdkprankcalls.com the home page for uh pcu prank call underground radio and you

can also visit the madhouse home page at madhouselive.com that's madhouselive.com as i said

before, AOL users, you can reach us at

Madhouse Radio. If you're on Yahoo,

you can use Madhouse PCU

Radio. And if you're using

MSN Messenger, you can reach us at

MadhousePCURadio

at Hotmail.com.

So, yeah. Milkman, what's been going on

that we should talk about in the news or anything that

you might think or anything you want to say?

Now would be the time. Oh, my

gosh. Well, they are still

trying, the

Republicans are still trying

to put in this new judge.

and uh when you go no no seriously who are you talking about man if they put in judge judge no

judge felito judge felito judge judo and i like him it should be judge judo and judge wapner is

he even alive anymore just yeah we should prank call just man what do you mean he'll be all over

is this guy what's he gonna do freedom nazi man all he does believe in the corporate uh corporate

rain and if you have any case

that comes before him and

you're not part of the government or big business

you're screwed

what's wrong with that

are you against the police

stay is that what you hear

because we have a place for you Miltman

I don't like

to get stopped by myself

Miltman listen there's one thing I want to be clear on

when it separates onto people

who are guarding people and people who are being

guarded I want to guard

keep this edition on

the low low i want to carry a gun i want to guard people i don't want to be guarded man you got to

fly under the radar i'll let everybody know i'm a willing trooper i just don't want i don't want

to be guarded all right eddie you can sell out man i'll be part of the militia man hey i'll be

in the blue coach you're the virgin islands militia virgin islands hey we mounted up 20

I got a tractor with some plywood over it, we might as well call it a tank.

Hell yeah man, I got a big ol' pastor cow that needs milk too.

Yeah, right on.

So Millman, you're against Judge Alito.

I'm not for Judge Alito.

Who would you rather see?

Assault on our civil rights.

what about judge um stack the cards against us but man what about judge donald trump what do

you think about that oh the trump master man is the big corporate man i ain't gonna mess with him

and i'm gonna stay on the other side of the code my finger okay okay here's a note apparently and

i uh this is coming from uh the internet so you know it's true uh sometime this month somewhere

in suburban south or west a couple probably white anglo-saxon protestants or hispanic

will conceive a baby who, when

born next October, will become the 300

millionth American. How do they know it's not

going to be a black kid? I don't know. I guess

why does it got to be? It could be a Filipino.

It could be a Filipino.

It could be a Muslim. Why does it have to be an

Anglo-Saxon protesting? It could be a

Protestant. It could be a Catholic.

I hope it's not someone who takes

their direction

directly from the Pope. I hope it's a

Mexican. I hope it's a goddamn Mexican.

300 millionth American.

No, that's as in living?

Is that what's going on?

No, I think that's like a wall time.

$300 million in a wall time?

Am I mistaken, or was that written on the outside of that McDonald's sign I passed by?

No.

Oh, there you go.

I think it's bullshit, Carlos.

That's just from the judge report.

You know that's great.

Those people there were terrible.

I know Milkman doesn't like them.

I got you, sir.

Milkman?

He beat them.

I love McDonald's, man.

Okay.

Here we go.

Milkman talking about food as always.

Milkman, where do you go for your news online, man?

Where do I go for my live online?

Yeah, your news online.

Your online news.

All my news online?

Yeah.

Air America.

Air America?

The website for the stations?

Is that where you go?

No, I listen to the stream, and I listen to VR.

I listen to Reuters feed.

Also, I listen to BBC, all different online sources I listen to.

Sounds like a hoot, man.

That's awesome.

All right, well, you don't get the BBC.

You get like...

No, I'm a stream junkie, man.

and I get it all direct.

Do you get NPR over there in the Virgin Islands?

Does that come through on your...

Yeah, we've got an NPR station here now.

Do they play classical or do they play jazz?

What do they play, music-wise?

Actually, what they do...

There's no real local programming.

They don't have any local programming.

It's not even up to that level.

Yeah, there's no local programming.

What they do is they strap the evening news to a sheep,

and then they taser and it runs to Milkman's hut.

Yeah, they put a big bell in it.

Hey, look at that.

Joe Lewis is a new champ.

Put your horns on him like a cow.

Affirmative action.

I'm against that.

How can you be against affirmative action living in Virgin Islands?

I'm trying to be the master.

I don't want to be.

All right.

Now, man, Richard Pryor's my man.

Richard Pryor's the man.

Why weren't you here?

We could have played Richard Pryor now.

Oh, you got some Richard Pryor tonight?

You sent me Richard Pryor, but we didn't get to play him.

Oh, that was me.

Hell, you got me all messed up there, man.

Man, you had me messed up.

I thought we were playing a show.

No, no, no, sir.

We had it.

I guess we'll play a little at the end of the show.

Or maybe in the middle.

Or something like that.

Or some point in between.

You've got to play the one I requested for me in the middle of the show.

Okay.

Well, we will do that.

Okay, well.

I see Lonesome Losers in the chat.

Let me give him a hey.

What's up?

Yay!

What's up?

It's Baruch.

What's up?

I have no idea what I'm talking about.

He feels real special probably.

I know, right?

Doesn't he work at like an auto parts store now or something like that?

I don't know.

I don't know anything about him.

No one knows who we're talking about.

I don't know who we're talking about.

Bo Rhodes.

Oh, who?

Bo the Big Man Rhodes.

Oh, okay.

I think he works at a parts store now.

Last I heard, he was a waiter.

Is he a cook?

Really?

He worked at a bar, I think, or some shit.

Well, no.

My mom said that she went to a restaurant.

He was her waiter.

He was one of the best waiters she ever had.

Really?

He was really personable.

He did a good job.

I could see him doing that.

He was probably very drunk.

Yeah, I listen to that show in the morning again now.

You do?

Yeah.

You don't listen to Howard anymore?

Do you catch the replay?

Yeah, I get the replay.

I do, too.

You know I can stop and listen to the replay tonight.

I've got to start downloading it, too.

Anyway.

Yeah, so, did you get your own Sirius Radio yet?

No.

I just don't think I want to.

I don't know.

What's in priority now, cell phone, car, or Sirius Radio for you?

Car.

Right.

Yeah, but they don't even have one that's like a Walkman.

They don't have a good radio yet, from what I understand.

All the stuff I look up, it says not good, not good.

Really?

No reception.

You can turn mine into a Walkman.

I mean, it's $99.

It's huge, though.

It's like this big.

It's on the moment that he's feeding.

Oh, yeah.

Talk doctor.

That satellite radio shit, I don't think it's up to par yet.

It will be.

Yeah, I agree with Milman.

Because, you know, my brother has one, and we're driving his truck,

and, like, you know, it breaks up.

And you got to switch, you know, if you're driving on the highway, it's cool,

but then you got to switch the station every, you know, few minutes.

You got to tell your brother, hey, turn off that damn channel 19, 10-4.

Okay, we've got serious on it.

10-4.

Wow.

I'm not going to tell him that, Bill, man.

You can't make me.

Exactly.

So, anyway, yeah, in the chat room, let me see.

I don't have any numbers yet.

I got some numbers.

What's going on here?

The dad, let's see if I put it in her ass yet.

I've got a bunch of great numbers.

Hey, you look at everything that dad's been talking to me for the last two days

about putting it in my girl's ass.

This has been going on for the last two nights, and I just say no.

That right there is a compliment.

But Zolar.

Zolar.

Is that Zolar?

Zolar got him started on that.

Oh, geez.

Well, yeah, Zolar queers him up sometimes.

That's right.

Had a long conversation with Zolar on Lego last night.

Wasn't that crazy?

That was a crazy, crazy show.

That was wild, man.

Wow.

That was different.

Lego and Zolar rock.

Those guys are funny as hell.

Yeah, exactly.

You know who called today?

Sean Ward.

I should call him on the air, you know.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, but we might do that.

But, you know, I got a number here from Lord Spoon.

Lord Spoon has sent me a number in AOL

for some dude named Paul

who plays Magic the Gathering.

Do you know anything about Magic the Gathering?

Milkman.

No, what's that?

Is that like one of the gay shows out there in Las Vegas or what?

Yes, exactly.

It's a game show where if you don't have magical power,

then they give you a toaster.

A toaster?

What if you do have a toaster?

I thought it was like with the lions on there.

And if you come up here and star on the stage with them,

they'll give you a BJ or something.

Okay, well, according to the guy, it's a card game.

I usually want to spit sometimes.

I just want to spit.

It's like a milkman with a dirty taste in my mouth.

And come on the stage and give everybody BJs.

What the hell?

And then the monkeys give you a reach around.

Roy and somebody.

Roy and milkman.

Roy Demers and milkman.

Roy and Rogers.

Yeah, Roy and Rogers.

Yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, you want to call this guy.

Imagine the Gathering.

I was trying to get it.

Imagine the Gathering is a card game.

Like, really expensive clinics.

I mean, some of them are expensive, right?

There's a dishwasher at my job who is, he's like, he's probably like five, six, three hundred pounds.

He's got like a full mane of hair and he's really greasy and shit.

He's got a big old beard and shit.

And he's got a lisp.

And he's got a tongue ring.

And he's always telling me how he's going to be a professional magic player soon.

Professional?

Yeah, yeah.

I just need a couple more cards and then I'm going to be a professional player.

It'd make a lot of money.

Yeah, he's really into it.

but he...

You need to unplug that dishwasher, man.

Huh?

You need to unplug that dishwasher.

Yeah.

No, I mean, he's an actual physical person

who works a dishwasher, though, man.

I was going to say,

you need to try something out on a jet pad.

Why would a machine play a car game?

Exactly.

Get with it, man.

There's a machine.

Anyway, I'm trying to get...

You're so goofy.

He is a dumb.

I'm trying to find a way to give me...

Someone had given me the number.

I have the number here for George Takei.

I guess it's pronounced.

What do you think about George Takei?

I thought he was doing an excellent job, but he wouldn't even be home.

If you call that number, he's out of town.

He's out of town.

He's in New York this week.

I think he's doing an excellent job.

I think it's going to get kind of old.

I hope they don't bring him in full time, but so far I thought he's been really good.

Yeah, I like it.

Yeah, John Calvert.

There's people talking about how much money they make playing Magic.

He's like one guy who is that kind of money.

The rest of you guys are fucking losers.

People make $100,000 playing Magic the Gatherer?

Are you serious?

You gotta be kidding me.

Remember Mike made, our buddy Mike, he made some money playing that.

He actually made money?

Yeah, he made like $500 or something like that.

That's crazy, man.

Yeah.

That's craziness.

But that shit's expensive, man.

He was going to, he was spending money.

Yeah, this is the guy who has the most money and they will put the most money out into

the game and they win.

Yeah, exactly.

That's all it is.

it's like that

with women too

they should have

a UNO tournament

and then like

whoever wins that

UNO takes more

skill to play

UNO than it does

Magic the Gathering

to be like

be a real good

UNO player

or even like

WAR

like

WAR

yeah

WAR

there's no strategy

in WAR at all

it's just

yeah it's the same

shit

yeah

I only blackjack

myself

I can play some

blackjack at a casino

I feel like I got

a slight edge

on blackjack

every time that I play

and I do good

sometimes

sometimes I get

my ass hurt

no

you've never been

to a casino

No, I don't like to go.

I don't like betting and gambling.

No, you get the best odds with blackjack.

You do.

Isn't that the only way that you can get an advantage, right?

Am I right?

Right.

The only game where you have a slight.

That has the highest odds.

Best odds in your favor instead of the house.

Right.

It's the house.

Okay.

All right.

Well, in the chat room,

Wilson Loser has also notified me that he's having computer problems right now.

So we're going to be.

He said his numbers, if they come in, they're going to be coming in slow.

So we'll stand by on that one.

I'm sending you a bunch of stuff too

so keep an eye on your google here

keep an eye on your google

I might turn around and poke you

I'm going to lick it

I want to do a request call here tonight

let's call Nunu's number here

John Calver which you've only tried to call like 50 times

in the past I think

they going to answer this time

we'll give her a call and we'll just find out

if there's going to answer now damn it

alright well hang on everybody we'll be right back with this next call

see ya

Last time I saw you, you was brewed up, booed up, ready for a new fuck.

Last time you saw me, I was P.I. to the motherfuckin' M.P.

What?

And lately, I heard you's a broke bitch livin' in the lower class suburb.

And lately, the word is I live in the suburb and I don't fuck with birds.

She used to pump on the block, sell a nigga rocks, bell a nigga out, but...

Have you reached your destination number now?

Might help if I enter in the number.

Hey, I got you a new card, please.

Take a lot, one shot, bitch, die, go figure.

Bitch, gave a lot to shit.

Your current balance for the life you can talk for.

One hour, 25 minutes, 29 seconds.

Used to blaze with the bitch, the lick she X-rated to click.

Bought braids for the bitch, Louis Vuitton kicks a trick.

Don't suck shit.

We're signed.

2-6-6-0-8-5-2.

It's not a working number.

Please.

Yeah cause I dialed it wrong

I dialed it wrong

I'll try it one more time

That's what I know

If you cool and she satisfied

How come that bitch just paged me

You don't know

We had to ride on the nigga

Watch him for the right time to get richer

We decided when the hit was

Run up on him

45 in the ribs

What?

Snickers scream like a bitch

So this is what it's shit

Hit a hell of a lick

But bitch

I'm toastin'

Fuck the bricks

I'm toastin'

To the nigga

You knew it would come

Meanwhile in this hood

These niggas is suitin' up

And Tim diluted up

We call him Lord Calvert?

Yeah, something like that.

ID net.

Lady, enter your destination number now.

A punk.

Let's try something else.

You're too freaking afraid to answer your phone with a madhouse we didn't get, Skelly.

Your current balance will allow you to talk for one hour, twenty-four minutes, twenty-nine seconds.

Neil spelled does wrong.

Dose.

Dose is an amount of medication to be taken at one time.

Dose, man. Give me a dose. I like the dose up.

Your password does not match your mailbox number.

Dial your password and press pound.

Or press star to cancel your mailbox number and re-dial it.

Including your area code and mailbox number, then press pound.

Remember, your area code may have changed.

I see it's a voicemail manual.

Your password does not match your mailbox number.

Oh, shut up.

Dial your password and press pound.

That'd be cool to hack George the guy's answering machine,

but I'm sure his people have him pretty secured.

So no, that didn't work.

Do you think he has a lot of people?

I don't know.

I know the monster

Talked to him once

And when they called him

Like this really effeminate guy

Answered the phone

And that was like

Five years ago

And then they started

Saying right there

We think he's gay

He sounded kind of gay

He doesn't have any kids

They say he wasn't married

Sure enough

Look what happened

Yeah

He is gay

Very funny guy

Anyway

He wants to bang Milkman

From what I understand

We called

Have phone sex

Milkman originally

Up for the part of

Chekhov

In the original Star Trek

But it was

It was not picked

Unfortunately

actually. This is Jekyll

District. See? Yeah.

It's because he's stuck.

Yeah,

Yeah, see how terrible he is?

Yeah, I do see.

Scanners and Keats, sir.

Yeah, well, how about the Swansea Marriott Hotel in the United Kingdom?

Yeah.

Okay, I guess I could try that.

All right, I got some more, too.

0-1-1-4-4, right?

That's how I do it?

Yeah, I got it now.

Okay.

I was just trying to play.

Okay, we'll be right back after this, everybody.

Is that the song I was looking for?

Front desk, front desk.

I think two.

I'm transferred to...

The varsity wrestling, the varsity football of my junior year in primary school.

I did.

Sorry, there's no reply.

Dial one to leave a voice message.

Please wait.

You're being transferred to the operator.

Front desk.

I'm going to talk to the manager.

Do you mind if I tell him what director called?

What's your name, sir?

Alan.

Are you some kind of smartass, Alan?

Alan? Are you some kind of smart-ass, sir?

I need to speak to the head manager.

Why would he hang up on me?

Hello?

What was that all about, huh?

Are you monitoring the phone call?

I'm with the room that I had down there, and I need to talk to the head nigger in charge.

Head nigger?

Yes.

You please let me talk to the head nigger in charge?

All right. Okay, bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

I think that'd be you, mate.

Don't hang up so quickly. You sound like you're HNIC.

He said the N-word like a brother would.

Didn't you hear that? He said the head nigger.

Is it?

Yeah, he did.

He said, head nigga in charge.

Man, that was pretty good.

I got to isolate that.

That was pretty cool.

Yeah, it's a funny thing.

It's a funny little drop.

Funny little ditty right there.

H-A-N-I-C, man.

Oh, look at the J-Lip number.

Yeah, I saved that.

What the fuck is that?

You got a rooster here?

I got a...

There's a number for the plumber.

Where's this at?

In Brixham?

The plumber in Brixham, Devon.

All right.

Okay.

Did we track down that old guy from a few weeks ago?

You said you were working on doing that.

Oh, yeah, man.

That's a hot lead.

I'll have the number for you very soon.

I'm looking for it now.

Okay.

All right, good.

Well, hey, let's call one of Lonesome Loser's numbers because he's been diligently trying to.

He's getting him solely.

Solely but surely.

God, this sucks.

Okay.

Can't wait to fix this next week.

But, yeah, solely but surely, Lonesome Loser is sending me some numbers.

I've got Dirty Jake's Cafe and Bar and I also have Rob's Good Times Grill.

Let's go ahead and call it Robert's Good Time Grill.

And, yeah, we'll be right back after this, folks.

Eagle, buzzard, sparrow, crow, take me down where the winds don't blow.

I want a butt-ugly slut with a bad drinking problem and a jealous old man in jail.

I want one so ugly she'll crack a mirror and so fat she'll knock a needle off the scale.

As long as she's by me in New Zabico, I don't care if she's built like a blue whale.

I want a butt-ugly slut with a bad drinking problem and a jealous old man in jail.

Lord, she's ignorant, but she's ugly.

Yeah, she's lazy, but she's mean.

I've been to two tent revivals and a chicken fight, and I ain't never seen nothing.

Like when my little wildebeest tears into a dozen jelly-filled Krispy Kremes.

I want a butt-ugly slut with a bad drinking problem and a jealous old man in jail.

I want one so ugly she'll crack the mirror and so fat she'll knock a train off a rail.

Yeah, I don't care if she cheats on me long, she sends me checks in the mail.

I want a butt-ugly slut with a bad drinking problem and a jealous old man in jail.

It'll allow you to talk for 3 hours, 20 minutes, 11 seconds

Okay, note to self, never play that again

I'm gonna delete that right now

Rob's Grill

Hey, how you doing, ma'am?

May I speak to, well, whoever you got seating people tonight

Or check your availability on tables?

We got lots of tables right now

When you coming in?

Well, we probably

Thank you

Hello

Thank you, ma'am

When are you guys coming in?

You're welcome

Did you say thank you?

No, I'm talking to somebody else.

Okay, but you said thank you?

I did.

Well, you're welcome.

Can I help you with anything else?

Yeah, look, my father, his favorite place to eat was to go to Rob's.

You know, he knew Rob when they were growing up together.

Your father did?

Yeah, my father.

And he's actually probably not going to make it tonight.

He's dying of cancer, and he wants for his last wish to actually come in and die there tonight.

What is this?

With a hamburger in his hand.

What's that?

With a hamburger in his hand.

Do you think that's possible?

Could we just reserve a booth room in the back where he can quietly pass into the night?

Who is this?

Uh, my name is Mr. Richardson.

Ah, that's a bad name.

That's what happened.

That's the, uh, my cell phone still may have a text message, actually.

Oh, you don't have a text message.

Yeah, I know.

People keep calling me because I lost my job today.

Like, what happened, man?

I'm so bad.

I'm sorry.

People don't fucking care.

No, I wouldn't.

People get fired from my job all the time.

I don't care.

Yeah, I don't ever call people.

want to be fake like, oh, yeah, you know, in the back of my head, like, I'm glad it

wasn't me. Yeah. Fuckers, you know what I mean? Whatever, I hope that, they're gonna

go out of business, I think. They're starting to cut people off. Anyway, enough of that,

let's not get into fucking bullshit like that. Um. We don't want to talk about how Carlos's

life is spiraling out of control. Exactly, and nothing's under control anymore. Um, what's

going on in the chat room, man? 17, parent and guardian, Argentina. I don't know what

KDK and Lego are talking about, but, um, okay, whatever. Um, what else do we got going

any numbers that i should know about real quick while you're uh sitting there monitoring um i just

sent you one for the 24-hour plumber did you get the new card i sent you first yeah i did that we

just used it right now actually okay yeah we just use that right now so no problem there okay well

okay let's call the 24-hour plumber in uh the uk what time is in the uk again refresh my memory

i'm sure you know oh let's see right now let's see 10 42 plus it's like 7 15 342 342 it's totally

off, Andy.

He totally sucked.

3.42 a.m.

How come you

don't know what

time it is in the

UK?

I don't care.

I got a big turd

stuck down in the

toilet that needs

some help here,

mate.

Yeah.

Okay.

You're wrong with

that, Milkman,

and we'll be right

back.

Hang on.

Also sent me the

KFC in Compton.

I have to call

that, too.

I've called them

before, I think,

haven't I?

Seven hours,

59 minutes,

29 seconds.

Yeah.

We're calling

the Magic the

Gathering guy.

I forgot to call him.

It says nigger bitch.

Hello, may I speak to Paul, please?

Who's calling?

My name is Carl, and I need to speak to Paul, please.

I'm calling from Wizards of the Coast, please.

All right.

Yes, hello.

My name is Carl.

I'm calling you from Wizards of the Coast here in Alabama.

Okay.

And we're recruiting people for our national tour that's going to be starting up here in February 28th.

Our national tour is going to start February 28th.

We have a stop on the 30th of February.

If you're interested in coming down, we'll fly you out here for the tournament.

We picked your card out of a national selection from various Wizards of the Coast retailers.

I guess your name for your stats or whatever were in there, and we got your phone number.

We have you down.

You were selected to come down and play in this tournament here.

Okay.

We'll be staying in beautiful Mobile, Alabama.

Yes.

Mobile.

Yes.

The Southern Championship.

Magic the Gathering.

I never...

Well, look, your friend, we bumped out this kid with cancer who was on the list ahead of you to put you on.

So I think you should be, first of all, a little bit more appreciative of what's going on here, sir.

I'll ask you a few questions.

Now, what color deck do you prefer to play with?

Is that your kid?

If you have a kid, you're disqualified.

You can't win the prize.

Who is this?

I told you already.

My name is Carl.

I'm with Wizards of the Coast in Alabama.

Did you get my number?

Your number, your information was in a fishbowl, apparently, of some sort that we had here

from various retailers of Magic the Gathering.

I don't know if you've been in a tournament or something, but we got your...

I've never been in a...

Don't be a liar, boy.

Well, someone put your number in there then, all right?

Stop asking the damn question.

You kissed my ass, bitch.

That was okay.

That's really annoying, man.

Forget that.

That goes for Lord Spoon.

Lord Spoon, that was Paul at Imagine the Gathering.

Any idea on that, Milkman?

Daisy Duke.

An old lady answer?

Hello.

Daisy Duke.

Yeah, Milkman.

It's too late.

What were you doing?

I was drinking my Haley's M.O.

No, you weren't.

Yes.

You were cleaning your toilet.

You got the shit.

I got a big log

that was stuck down in the toilet there

and I had my redneck reader out.

I was trying to call a mate over there in England

but I couldn't get through so I had some

redneck on here who was cussing about some damn game.

Alright, fine.

Yeah, I got off track and I called that guy instead

because the submitter,

Lord Spoon, said he was about to go to sleep or something.

So I called it instead but

here comes the 24 hour plumber real quick

and we'll move on from there. We'll be right back.

Vitamin 4 for hours

7 minutes 30 seconds.

Mate, I've got a big one stuck down in my toilet,

and I need some help right away.

Somebody please pick up the phone. It's an emergency.

I didn't have to get phone numbers out that long.

Please enter your authorization code now.

Vitamin balance will allow you to talk for 24 minutes 49 seconds.

From the U.S. nation

The way that I met her was on tour at a concert

She had long hair and a short miniskirt

I just got on stage dripping porn with sweat

I was walking through the crowd

Good morning, hello?

Good morning, hello.

Is this the plumber?

Yes.

Sir, we got a really bad smelly mess over here.

We're wondering if you could come help us clean it out, please.

Smell?

Well, it's an overflowing of the toilet, and it's a toilet problem.

We're wondering if you could come. We'll pay you as many euros or whatever it is you guys use.

Whereabouts are you?

I'm here in Devon.

Okay.

Devon, 123 Sesame Street.

That didn't tell me. What part of Devon are you in?

I don't know. Southside.

Okay, I think it's all.

All right, well let me explain to you what's happening.

The toilet, this gentleman came, he threw up and all over it is really, really friggin' dirty and it smells horribly.

So we're calling the plumber to come down and clean it for us real quick if you don't mind.

We don't do that.

Don't you do toilet work?

Yeah, we do, but...

Well, it stopped up.

It doesn't want to flush, and it makes this noise.

And the water came out and everything.

The water came out and everything.

Come on.

Look, do whatever you have to do as long as you clean it, okay?

Cheerio?

Enter your destination number now.

What did he say at the end?

Was that Cheerio?

He said Cheerios.

Cheerios, all right.

Because that's what he wants to eat out of your butt.

He likes Cheerio.

Yeah, I guess so.

I have no idea what to tell him for an address.

I don't know how to do that.

I told him 1-2-3 Sesame Street.

I don't know what the hell.

Hey, Torque.

Okay, I was trying to send you messages, but she's already in it.

You told me to suggest anything.

I got a logger stuck in a hole of toilet.

He was highly recommended.

Well, we'll have to do that some other day.

We got King Dork t-shirts.

I've tracked down the number we have been looking for.

Okay, for the Jack Gashgoer.

Look in your Google.

I've tracked it down.

Okay, this is the guy we called last week.

Was it last week or two weeks ago?

Two weeks ago.

You were here, so that was two weeks ago.

That guy was funny.

The Angry Welshman, right?

Yeah.

Well, he wasn't even too angry.

He seemed like he was kind of just, like, exasperated.

Yeah, man, this is what he did, though.

He moved, man, and I tracked down his number.

Wow, man, that's great.

Did he move just to get rid of him?

Yes, he moved, man.

That's probably what Ali had to do with it.

Yeah, the last time we checked on him,

the last time we checked on him, he was going to move

because he was getting these damn prank calls from Carlito,

and then somebody had given out his number, I guess, in the chat.

Oh, I see.

He's moved now.

He's in Devon, actually.

Okay.

I hate Devon, to tell you the truth.

Yeah, that's a bad, nasty tune.

Oh, that's great, man.

So let's give him a call up and blame him that it's still a blocker.

That's great, man.

That's awesome if you hate him.

All right, hang on.

We'll be right back with that.

Play that shit.

Good evening, sir.

May I speak with Mr. Gas, Gas, Guzzler, Gower?

Be good.

Yeah, how you doing, old man?

Look, we spoke about two weeks ago, and we had a bit of a falling out.

you back and maybe we could agree to some terms. Do you know what time in the morning

it is? I don't care what time in the morning it is. It's you again, isn't it? It is me

again. Do you remember me? Do you remember me? Yes, I do. And how did you get my number

this time? Yeah, not your wife gave it to us. A friend, the guy with the band, it's

Friday. Very, very old. I don't care. Okay, now, I'm going to invite you out down to the

pub for some beers. What's your favorite brewer? What's your favorite beer? Do you smoke cigarettes?

I don't have whatever you need. What? How do you live? Where are you from? Me? I'm

I'm in the States.

Devonshire.

What?

New Hamptonshire.

And where the fuck's that?

You know, it's over here.

You take the Underground down to 52nd Street.

No, I don't know.

What you on about?

What kind of car do you drive?

I don't drive a car.

What do you do?

You take a trolley or what do you call it, a cab?

I retired about 20 years ago and I just went in to enjoy my sleep.

And I get people like you ringing me up.

What do you want?

What kind of job did you do?

Were you a boiler maker or something?

Boiler maker?

No, I was a maintenance man.

What?

Maintenance man?

A maintenance man.

I used to do handiwork and stuff like that.

Can you, can you, um...

You work?

Can you fix the toilet?

No, I don't work, as a matter of fact.

But can you fix the toilet?

You ring me up in the morning to ask me to fix the toilet.

Yes.

What do you want?

I got a toilet I need some fixing over here.

Well, do it yourself.

I ain't fucking doing that.

Well, you come highly recommended.

You ring me up and I fucking am awake now.

Well, listen, old man.

You come highly recommended.

I'm willing to fly you out here to the States, the United States of America, and come clean my toilet. Fix my toilet, actually.

Yes, I'm going to come all the way to America to fix your toilet. I don't think so.

I've got the...

I don't think you live in America. I think you're lying. Really, really.

I've got the tickets all here. I'll need your credit card number. I can secure your seat.

I want to come to America. I told you, I'm an old man. I was trying to sleep.

Okay. No, well, you're awake now.

You're so rude. You really are so rude. Why? And how did you get my number?

Well, look, sir, you're already...

Do you know somebody I know?

You're already awake, so you might as well just stay up with me and talk for a while, then.

Oh, yes, and awake, I was asleep.

Look, you're going to do what I say.

You're just going to go pack your bags, all right,

and you drive down to Heathrow, whatever the hell airport it is that you got over there,

and, you know, you take your flight out here to the States.

You just tell them you want to get on the flight to the States.

Heathrow?

Exactly.

That's another thing, young man.

Why the hell would I go all the way to Heathrow...

Because that's the only...

...and the airport just down by me.

That's the only airport in England, I thought.

What?

Isn't that the only airport in England, Heathrow?

No.

There's about loads of airports all over the place.

Where do you go at?

John Lennon International?

You know John, can't you?

That's what you think.

We're all old-fashioned or something like that.

You are.

You're a bunch of wankers out there.

What?

You're a bunch of wankers out there.

You ring me up, accuse me.

Gee, I must know you.

Do you live down the road from me?

I told you we live in Devonshire.

No, I don't believe you.

You live somewhere down here and you know me.

Well, what's it to you then, old man?

Maybe you owe me some money.

I don't owe you nothing. Nothing at all.

You owe me a few pounds.

What the hell? I'm loyal to the Queen.

Queen? You're loyal to the Queen?

Yes.

You're a Tory.

It's who I pay my taxes to. The Inland Revenue and her. I don't owe you nothing.

Yeah, you're British with your goddamn taxes all the time. Pushing your taxes on us just like you're British.

You shut up over there, old man.

We kicked your ass. We kicked your ass in Vietnam. We take your taxes, shove it up your ass.

See, there you go again.

Yeah, you know where your taxes got you when you got your asses kicked.

I was around in the war time, son.

And you do not know nothing about nothing.

Well, I haven't forgotten anything.

You didn't have all the fucking time in the morning at 4 o'clock to wake me up every single time.

Well, look, we haven't forgotten the War of 1812.

Didn't they burn Washington down?

My history expert over here.

You did burn Washington down, you bastards.

That was on 9-11, too, wasn't it?

Yeah, like fuck was you.

I'm an old man.

I'm on pension.

Why'd you wake me up all the time?

Yeah, we're going to challenge you to a cricket match.

Yes, many years ago, maybe, but not now.

Yeah, exactly, old man. That's it.

What is your name, anyway?

My name is Carlito, sir. We've already discussed this before. What's your name, sir?

My name?

Yes.

So, I give you my name.

All right. As far as we know now, you're Angry Welshman.

We.

Gashgoer.

As we know, us here, we're on a radio show. We talked about this last time. We're on a radio show. We talked to you, Jack, Gashgoer.

You're on a radio show?

Yes, sir.

And what radio show is that?

The Madhouse.

Never heard of it.

Oh,

that's very disrespectful, sir.

Well, anyway.

Disrespectful.

All right.

You know the time is four o'clock here.

Yeah, well, yeah, and it's disrespectful of you to not, you know, appreciate the fact

that I call you at such an outrageous time because I just wanted to talk to you so bad.

But look, I got to go.

Yeah.

Well, goodbye.

Don't bloody ring me again.

No, we'll call you later, all right?

No, I want to answer the phone to you.

Well, stay by the phone.

I'm not.

You don't pick up, I'll kick your ass.

No, I'd like to see you try, son.

I will try.

What, are you some kind of tough guy?

Yes.

I'm going down to New York.

Like I told you, I was around in the war, mate.

I'll kick your ass and I'll answer.

What?

Yeah, what war were you in?

What did you do with them?

He was, what, who were the Argentinians?

Didn't they fight the Argentinians?

The Falklands.

Is that where you, what other war did you fight in?

What war did I fight in?

Yeah.

Did you ever go to school?

Yeah.

It was World War II, okay?

You fought in World War II?

Yes.

And how old are you?

No, actually, I was a man in World War II.

I was a home guard.

Oh, pussy boy.

What?

Yeah.

Oh, and how old are you then, son?

Well, my grandfather died, was fighting in Normandy and everything.

You were sitting at home.

Yeah, let the Americans do all the work.

Isn't that what it was, huh?

What?

No, we did a very, very important job there.

What?

I'm not going to do any fighting.

What?

Have you ever fought in a war?

You sure have.

I was in Iraq, man.

I was in Afghanistan.

I can't believe you.

If you was in Afghanistan, what would you be doing with me at 4 o'clock in the morning and waking me up?

Yeah.

Well, kind of.

I think you've been drinking.

Of course I have.

And that's it.

That's it.

I'll ask you one more thing.

How do you feel about being recorded all over the place?

What?

How do you feel about being recorded?

Recorded.

In what way?

I don't know.

I gotta go.

It's over.

Good night.

Good night, old man.

Don't bring it back.

All right.

We'll talk to you later.

No.

I'm not going to answer the telephone to you.

You have to.

Yeah.

You have to.

If you don't, we'll keep calling you.

Whatever.

You can talk to my answer machine, because I'm not listening.

All right, well, we'll talk to you later.

All right, bye, old man.

He's going to go ahead and say that he was in the military.

He was in the Home Guard.

That was bullshit.

That's not even the military.

Yeah, he had a hose.

He used to spray a hose on us.

So it's like the fires and stuff from the bombing and shit like that.

He had one of them funny helmets on.

That's right, British man.

What did they eat, anyway?

Haggis.

I don't think he's so happy that you tracked him down.

You woke him up out of his beauty sleep.

Well, too bad for him.

What?

very well done

thank you very much

everybody for helping

on AMD

I guess came through

with that possibly

everybody thinks it's him

well the mystery continues

but regardless

I do know one thing

I really need to take

a break real quick

hey play that

play that song

I requested

during the break

the song

your request

you know when I

sent you prior

alright I got it

hang on

you got two

middle stretch for a break

okay great

well we

We will be right back after this.

Thank you.

It's now 11.06 Eastern.

You're listening to The Madhouse.

You can reach us on AOL Instant Messenger and Madhouse Radio.

And you can also visit us at madhouselive.com.

Other than that, please stay tuned.

We're going to take a quick break.

A few songs.

Nothing too long.

Nothing too special.

And, yeah.

Check out the new outro, Andy.

This is the new outro?

Yeah.

Who did this?

I did.

Oh, what about it does Mintland like?

He doesn't like it.

What's the thing he's requesting?

Brothers and sisters, we're going to have church tonight.

And tonight this speaker is Robin Rufus Johnson.

Thank you, thank you.

The sky, that's the butterflies, hit the wall.

And if you're feeling down, give your boy a call.

It takes the stress away.

That's why Bazaar smoked 10 blunts a day.

It's nothing but the sticky, icky, green stuff.

Light it, pass it, and take a puff

Havin' a bad day, by my house

Most likely, I got a blunt in my mouth

So sit down, relax, and chill

And if you don't smoke weed

Then shit, I got some pills

What you need, girl, a fuckin' refill

A fat bag of weed and some Happy Meal

Nah, baby, I don't smoke new ports

Only fat bags of weed in this S-Corp

Wake up raisin', so much of Jesus

I'm T.J. Drake, dangerous mind

Just like Coolio

Only church I know

It's Snoop Dogg's studio

White House raps

In my lap

Rap Hennessy

Get the abs a tap

I'm glad

That I didn't move down south

Take care of my kids

Be the man of the house

Bunch of mushrooms

And yellow stars

Five bags of needles

In mason jars

Get lapped

Come on jump in

Bring a bottle of gin

And two of your freaky friends

Oh fuck it

Let's go to see the point

Bring your son along

Shit he can't hit the joint

Cause rapping

it's a four-time job all i want to smoke weed and praise god yeah started started in slave ships

what you laughing about yesterday i was a king having a bicentennial 200 years

gonna have bicentennial nigger they will they have some nigger 200 years old and blackface

stars and stripes on his forehead and lips just shining and he'll have that lovely white folks

expression on his face but he's happy he's happy because he's been here 200 years

I'm just so thrilled to be here

Over here in America

I'm so glad y'all took me out to die, homie

I used to live to be 150

Now I die of high blood pressure by the time I'm 52

And that thrills me to death

I'm just so pleased America's gonna last

They brought me over here in a boat

There's 400 of us come over here

360 of us died on the way over here

I love that

That just thrills me so

I don't know, you white folks are just so good to us

Got over here, another 20 of us died from disease

But you didn't have no doctors to take care of us

I'm so sorry you didn't

Upset you or something too, didn't it?

Then they split us all up

Yes, sir

Took my mom over that way

Took my wife that way

Took my kids over yonder

I'm just so happy

I don't know what to do

I don't know what to do if I don't get 200 more years of this

Lord have mercy

Yes, sir

I don't know where my old mama is now.

She's up yonder in that big white folks in the sky.

Y'all probably done forgot about it.

The tears stinging and cold.

The summer of the years.

The story untold.

And the heart of our heart.

The heart of the soul.

The heart of the hopes and the fears that we've known.

We know, we'll know.

We were throwing time away.

Sleep away.

We were throwing time away.

Alright, and we're back everybody, good evening, it's 11.15 on Thursday, and you're back in

the madhouse it's uh yeah we're just here uh doing our thing milkman what you got going on

over there on your end man i got my blunts up held high man okay the man your blunts up held

high milkman hasn't smoked weed like since like the 80s and stuff used to smoke weed but i lost

my mind man it's really good for my guacoma your guacoma right okay guacamole all right there

have fun with that you're always having fun over that milkman that's why we love you so much

but yeah the dead's continuing with with asking me if i put it in athena's ass yet and the answer

is no i don't know what the heck is wrong with that kid i think the dead likes to take and put

incense in his own ass and lay down naked on the floor okay thank you for that visual um we have

more numbers here that we've we've had confirmed tonight that we're gonna have to try to get to

here in a little bit um hey is it time to call tim seriously yeah that's right very good good call

Yeah, we decided, you know, let's just do this with Milkman not involved, actually,

because he kind of brings it up.

Exactly, yeah.

I need the number for Tim Searson.

Well, I got it here.

I already got it.

New News sent it to me somewhere.

Hang on, let me find it.

There we go.

Hey, after this, after this, could I make my call?

I'd like to make a special call.

Aw, who are you calling?

Special someone?

Special long-distance defecation from the Milkman.

I want to make a special phone call.

A prank from the old bastard.

Okay, all right.

Well, you send me that number, we'll do Tim seriously,

and then we'll put the Milkman here for a rare call.

I'm sure everybody's just shitting their pants in excitement to hear that, man.

This is a big deal.

It is a big deal.

We're not always retreated to this.

People are waking their parents up.

Hey, wake up.

Milkman is going to make a call.

Who the fuck is Milkman?

Anyway, yeah, if you guys want to call in,

the toll-free line has been open for about ten minutes.

I activated it right before the break.

And the line is 1-888-278-8509.

Again, that's 1-888-278-8509.

Okay, so, all right, let's call Tim Sears, everybody.

We'll be right back after this.

Yay!

I got an accent, I hope you can come up with answers, baby

Girl, it's easy to love me now

Would you love me if I was down and out?

Would you still have love for me?

Girl, it's easy to love me now

Would you love me if I was down and out?

Would you still have love for me?

If I fell off tomorrow, would you still love me?

If I didn't smell so good, would you still hug me?

If I got locked up and sent this to a court that sent you me

Could I count on you to be there to support me mentally

If I went back to a hootie for my beans

Do you think 50 Cent really smells good?

He probably has more than one cologne.

Yeah, he looks like an asshole.

He's got street cred.

His dumb ass got shot.

Wow.

Hi, you've reached the phone of Tim Searcy.

I'm not available right now.

I'd like to leave your name, number, and a brief message.

Shut up.

Alright, KDK is not known as Jesus.

Jesus. In the chat room,

let me give a shout-out to everyone in the chat

room. What do we got?

We got Jesus, a.k.a. KDK.

It's hard to say. Jesus, a.k.a.

Jesus, a.k.a.

KDK. That's a hard one to say.

Satan. Carlito's

in there. What's up, Carlito? Nice to see you. Neo.

Mad Man and the Milkman,

of course, along with assorted others.

Real quickly, AMD Beach Boy,

who I believe is California from McCraig. Is that right?

Yeah, he is. That's right.

I have a list.

Estimated profit has been rather quiet lately, but he's in the chatroom.

I haven't heard from him lately.

We got Gang Green.

He's a magic nerd, I guess.

He's a magic nerd.

Yeah, he sounds like a magic nerd.

He knows all about that.

All right.

Gang Green, Jane Nefarious, Jolt, Mysterious Jolt, Jew, Lonesome Loser, Mike and T,

Nunu, Reclude, Saigon Slam, Tater, Athena, Tariqo, Tuck, Walnuts, and Waresmen.

Waresmen.

That has the wares.

Wow.

What else have we got to do here?

Oh, yeah, let me give a rundown here on what I have from Lonesome Loser.

Milkman, you tell me what you think we should call next here.

We got Dirty Jake's Cafe and Bar.

We have Piggly Wiggly, excuse me, in Texas.

We have College Playboy Chicks in Knoxville, Tennessee, where a redneck woman answered.

In Compton, California, we have Pizza Hut and we have KFC.

We also have Daisy Duke out of Georgia.

an old lady answered about an hour ago

almost

King Dork t-shirts in California

we got a hot dog

and hamburger place in California

we got Acme portable toilets

we have the mini midget club

and we have Eddie J. Yutz

that's a lot

so Milkman you're going to tell me what of that

stuck out at you what should I call

go for it and begin

I'd say call one of these numbers out

and you said a hamburger joint out in California

because you know they'll be out this time

I got Sudi321.

What was that?

Zolar?

I want you to bet.

Yeah.

No, it's not.

It actually isn't Zolar tonight.

Hold on.

I'm sure Zolar will call.

You're in the madhouse.

Go ahead.

Who?

What is wrong with you and that disgusting shit, man?

Hey, you know who it is?

It's Telly Savalas.

Telly Savalas.

Hang on a minute.

Telly Savalas.

Telly?

What is?

What's this?

BoJack.

BoJack was cool.

Man, I love that show.

Are you drunk again today?

Be honest.

No, man. That's right.

What's up, Milkman? Uh, the dead. Do you sleep often? Do you sleep late?

Any.

Okay. Now, let me ask you. You got some girl that you're trying to mack on at some job or something like that? What's going on with that? She works at a restaurant?

Yeah.

Where does she work?

No, a, um, she's home in the rehab.

Okay.

That needs to be cut.

Oh, that's okay.

What?

I said for her legs.

Her legs. Okay. Yeah, it's okay. Yeah. I mean, yeah.

And she's shooting up.

She's shooting up at her legs. It's cool. That way people don't see it on her.

Sure. Chicken.

Chicken.

You should, man. You're never gonna know what could happen if you don't try, right?

I mean, how... well, look at me. I never would've tried and...

Yeah, he said, you know, it doesn't hurt to try. I mean, seriously, does she know English, at least?

I know English, senor.

That's awesome. What's her name? Is it already... you forgot her name already, dude.

I don't remember.

Yeah, we haven't heard much about that.

Your homework, you need to get her phone number. You seriously need to get her phone number.

Cynthia?

Cynthia.

Yeah.

Remember who you were saying it was before?

Cynthia?

That's Cynthia, man.

No.

Cynthia.

Yeah.

Cynthia.

That's a very Americanized name.

She must not be that Mexican.

Oh, yeah.

Well, yeah.

You need to really get her phone number so she can beat it up and you can pass it on

to us in case she turns you down.

We got your back.

Don't worry about it.

No, no, no, no.

Tell her you want to pay her back.

No.

Don't.

I mean, she's there right now.

Pay your bills.

She can pay your car.

Do you drive a car?

Do you have a car?

Yeah.

Do you have a car?

Seventy B.C.

Yeah?

That's a way to look at it.

No, I'm not.

What would you want?

That's a Toyota.

You know that, right?

Yeah, I know that.

As long as you're okay with that.

Toyota.

Yeah.

All right, well, hey, do you...

It's only...

It's 22 miles to a gallon, man.

Is that good?

I don't want to waste my money on fucking...

Okay, I gotcha.

Um, hey, do you want to call Acme Portable Toilets for me?

No.

You want to call anybody, or are you just calling to talk?

Is that what's going on?

I'm just calling to fucking talk.

Hi, how are you?

Well, I'm good.

And I want to ask if you could do that.

Well, no, I haven't yet, but you'll be the first to know.

Well, she'll be the first to know.

Well, I'm still, I feel like it.

Okay.

Well, Dad, you know, you might benefit from using ecstasy, I think,

the way you've been talking lately and stuff like that.

Have you ever looked into that yet?

What?

Just using ecstasy or something like that.

Why would you want to do that?

Well, he just sounds like he'd be funny on it.

I feel like I might be able to use ecstasy.

I have three animals in the wheel.

Look what he says, he's right.

I still want to walk.

You should jump off a bridge, man.

That's always so cool.

All right.

Well, Dedev, thank you very much for calling in.

I'm glad to hear that you're here.

Leathery old 86-year-old.

You want my leathery nipple, sonny?

Okay.

I'll let you go.

It's good to hear your grandmother's doing okay and that you have a love interest.

I really would like you to try to approach her and get her phone number.

You'd be surprised.

Make it easy.

Rub one on you.

Let's see what I got here.

Call the Acme Portable if you want.

Oh, what?

You want to do prank call?

You're really good with the ideas.

Um, I got angel hot dogs, angels hot dogs, hamburgers, and Marble Flab ice cream.

Uh, what else?

Some lady named Daisy Duke in Georgia, some old lady who answered a while ago.

Give me the egg meat port-a-boot.

That's what I was saying after the last half hour, but okay.

You got it.

Back after this, folks.

I'm not going to count.

I'm typing.

To your authorization.

Enter your destination number.

5 hours, 4 minutes, 8, 9 seconds.

All right, there.

Portable toilets.

I get the toilets.

My bad, I laughed.

Call them back.

Hang on, let me try to call them back.

That's what they are, wireless toilets.

Toilets.

The wireless will allow you to talk for 5 hours, 3 minutes, 20, 9 seconds.

I told you it started to crack up.

What

is that?

X-ray.

Call her back and tell her, don't put my ass on hold.

I got a shit.

I need a toilet.

Stay out.

Jesus.

Hang on.

Where's the nearest porter ripper?

I got a huge stuff here.

Hold down on the pound.

I can't on any of these phones.

It doesn't burst.

Maybe you can do it on the gizmo.

There you go.

One more time.

Hang on.

Hang on to that.

Let's see if we can hang up on you.

The thing doesn't stay up.

All right.

Stop it.

Hang on to that.

You're going to mess us up.

Hang on.

authorization code now

$2.94

enter your number now

your current balance will allow you to talk for

4 hours

minutes

29 seconds

alright

we gave it a shot

but I don't think it's going to save the one for another time

alright well

any shout outs you got to give or anything like that before we let you go

DTT my baby

DTT is gone

Were you here when we called DTT?

We called his house.

He's been missing for like three weeks.

I called him last week.

I don't know exactly what happened.

I talked to his mom.

We'll catch you later, man.

Thanks for calling in, bro.

I did that, everybody.

Yeah, we called Milkman last night.

We called Milkman.

I keep saying that.

I keep calling everybody Milkman.

Hello.

Hey, Milkman.

We called DTT's house.

I found his number from the time he had called in.

We called him by his first name, whatever.

I guess his mom picked up or something like that

and was all freaked out.

Yeah.

She wasn't going to put you through.

She said you didn't shoot

and they'll tell you it was.

Yeah.

And finally you got his name

right because he came to the phone

and said that his DC went out

and he'd been being stalked.

You're in the madhouse.

Yeah, someone's stalking DTT.

Hello, you're in the madhouse.

Commanding to speak.

You're stalking DTT.

Apparently what the mother said

was that someone was stalking him,

I guess.

Like, is that the stalker?

Well, no, DTT said that himself.

He said he had a problem

with his computer and it was down

and then he said he had a stalker

actually. Someone was stalking him from online.

Who would stalk him?

I don't know. He's been missing ever since.

Some guy named Metzenberger or somebody.

Metzenberger?

He's come in the chat all the time.

Oh, okay. Well, that's horrible.

Someone from IRC

and he used to get mad

about it. We threw him out before.

Yeah, geez. God, there's a lot of stuff

that goes on in that stupid little chat room.

Why does he get stalked by someone?

Right, right, right.

What's going on, KDKCN?

that there's someone there's a station on shoutcast using the pcu name broadcasting

howard stern 24 7 seriously that's crazy i was doing that for a while andy i don't know if you

knew that like when i first got serious then in the old apartment i had it it was close enough

that i could actually broadcast it like i was actually broadcasting and i would tune in at

work i don't have to do that anymore because i lost my job but the way i would listen to serious

at work um i would just actually had that stream that i got and i would listen to it i tune in

it you know i connect to it at work and stuff i don't know if it's confusing that with me but i

I stopped doing that, KDK.

That wasn't me.

That is kind of illegal, right, too.

If he gets caught doing that.

Yeah.

Probably wouldn't be too good.

They'll probably cut his testicles off.

Probably wouldn't.

They should.

And rightly so, they should.

Because we should not steal.

Yeah.

Texas is very legal-ish.

So, anyway.

Hang on.

My mic is way too hot.

There we go.

Thanks for that.

Okay.

Let's move right along.

More numbers that I have here.

We got a Rob Slob.

I like to call that number in a fashion.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

You want to do a call, man, right?

Yeah.

We totally got to do a call with you, man.

Totally.

Hang on, we got another...

Speaking of calls...

We have another caller.

These sheep shit my air balls.

Prankstank.

It's Yellowfoot.

Prankmaster.

It's the Prankmaster fucking soundboard or something like that.

Pranky.

Yeah, they actually made a Prankmaster soundboard.

Yeah.

Okay, now that I got this soundboard plugged, this is TurdBurglar.

What's up?

What's up, TurdBurglar?

How you doing, man?

Pretty good.

Good.

What you been up to lately, man?

I haven't heard from you.

I haven't seen you in the chat room in a while.

What's been going on with you, man?

Neo banned me.

Neo, aw.

That's what it was.

So what did you do to piss off Neo?

A lot of hating been going around between Neo and Zola lately.

Who cares?

Good thing.

You know, sometimes people just want to call in and do something like that.

Whatever, man.

Whatever floats your boat.

I'll pay for it.

Let's see.

Let me see.

Your name is most not kosher.

Sure, anyway, so Kitty K is unhappy about someone with the PCU name broadcasting serious.

Well, I won't be doing that.

I was doing that personally, but, and yet another caller.

See if I can do this without blowing anybody's ears off.

Damn it, you're in the madhouse.

What are you guys doing, and what's your show there?

I'm sorry, this is the Creature Crows?

This is Patricia Crows.

Patricia.

Your last landlord, you left the turkey giblets when you cooked.

You took the broiler pan, and they're all clogged in the drain.

Oh, I, Jesus Christ.

Lady, calm down.

down. First of all, I took turkey jellies and put them in the drain. When you moved

out, you left everything in there from the turkey. The whole drain was clogged. The boiler

pan was gone. In the laundry room. What laundry room? The hell laundry room are you talking

about? Laundry room at the Quack. Who's that talking in the background, Zolar? Zolar. Come

on, this is the prank call thing, right? Line me up with somebody. Jesus Christ, who am

I speaking with? Freaking me out, dude. This is really the prank call thing, right? Yeah,

Yeah, this is the prank call line.

Oh, I see what's going on.

You got me on in the background over there.

Okay.

Yeah, okay, okay.

That's you.

You're just a show killer, man.

All right.

Turn it down in the background.

But how does this work?

You call in, then you call someone and connect it up?

Oh, if you'd like, yeah.

We can put you on.

If you want to do a prank call, I can connect you through if you'd like.

If you have a number, you can send it to me online,

or I can give you a list of stuff that we have confirmed.

Oh, here it is.

Okay, so what's your...

Give them one of our numbers.

Yeah, gotcha.

Look, we've got a Rob Slob in Ohio, if you'd like to call,

or we have an Eddie Yutz in South Carolina.

These are all confirmed people who picked up in the last half hour or so.

All right.

Well, I'm calling from Humboldt County, California here.

My name is Bill.

Humboldt County.

Do you want me to call?

What do you want me to say?

Well, yeah, that's up to you.

Or if you want to call a business, we've got a Kentucky Fried Chicken,

or KFC, I'm sorry, in Compton, if you'd like to call,

or a Pizza Hut in Compton also.

Are you guys in L.A. or New York?

We're in Florida, sir.

You're in Florida?

Yeah, but we...

All right, because I hear all the calls coming from all...

So you just comply with all this stuff?

Yeah, well, we mostly try to stick with West Coast numbers

because those people are usually still up.

It's almost midnight out here where we are, so...

Came across this from, yeah, we'll call Compton.

Call the hood, I'm...

I'll tell you what, what you need to do for me,

we're going to connect you with the KFC in Compton,

but you need to turn that down in the background.

I'll get a little background noise there.

Exactly, that'd be perfect.

How are you going to...

Check in.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know, too dry.

I ordered the chicken liver.

Yeah, yeah, you didn't like the chicken, or you can complain that they don't have cornbread there.

Okay.

Hang on, we'll get you on the line here with that KFC, okay?

Okay, you got it. Have fun with that.

We'll be right back after this, ladies and gentlemen.

...your authorization code now.

Wait a minute, that doesn't...

...tickle my...

Sorry, we had a mistake there, hang on.

...message.

I'd be on the air the whole time there, but that's fine.

Oh, no, no, no.

Do it.

We're gonna try it again. I missed out on something.

You gotta hit one of those MCI things.

I can't make it until you come over here.

I can't have it like pre-made?

No, because some people do that.

Come on, girlfriend, come on.

I want to dip it twice with the grease.

Grease, you take some of that fire grease and put it in the gravy.

Maybe make it real greasy and real good with gravy on it.

Okay.

That be okay, dude?

And with the corn, I think they hung up.

I think they did.

Please enter your destination number now.

All right, caller.

Who am I speaking with again?

I'm sorry about that.

This is Bill.

Okay.

I think I can do the, uh, eat some Chinese restaurant or something.

The cat one was good the other day.

The cat one.

I had a cat one.

I don't think that was me.

That might have been Zola or somebody else.

Yeah, I don't know how, do you guys just timeshare on this thing or what?

Timeshare.

No, we got a different show every night.

If you weren't listening on Thursday night, you didn't hear me.

That's cool.

This is killer.

Tell your friend.

On Chowcastically, right?

Exactly.

For now.

We have a deal.

I wanted a real greasy.

We have a deal with nobody.

It's going to go nowhere.

We have a little company named Microsoft.

We hired some software.

You know how it goes.

We're calling.

Come again.

We'll do a chicken.

Keep it up.

Keep it working.

All right.

You too there, buddy.

I sound so hot on the computer.

You're talking to the Rick.

Wow.

Listen here.

listen here

bean eater

I don't want

24

I think I was a black girl

no it was a black girl

cause she said

you gotta come over

her first

before

she goes

she's the craziest

you should have

asked him how he

heard about

our stream

he heard it

from

milkman's

domination

webpage

domination

who do you know

on gizmo

that you invited

yeah

how do you meet

all those people

how do you meet

people on gizmo

do you just hang out

in that room

what's it called

the uh

the fucking

damn it

the party room

is there a party line

they got there

right

is that what it is

party line

you picking up any chicks

off gizmo

what's the deal

it's strange

where's the thing

speaking of chicks

is she gonna sleep

I just start talking

up he's talking

in a different voice

like this

say hello

hello

oh you go in there

and start talking crazy

man

I know he's listening

to your motherfuckers

and yeah

come and listen

to our crap

is it showed

or not

people like that

that's right

okay

Okay.

Sometimes, I don't know.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, hey, I don't have my cell phone on.

I was going to give somebody a call, but I don't have time right now.

I was going to give Sean Ward a call because he tried calling earlier before the show started.

I was going to give him a call and see what he was up to because he's going to be here,

what, January 27th, right?

They're going to be great.

Very soon.

He's coming down for the FX show.

He's going to be staying here, and we're going to have him.

Both him and I will be doing a show together the evening of January the 27th.

That will be two Thursdays from now, I suppose, right?

The 19th.

Yeah, something like that.

So, yeah, be sure to be listening.

Be tuned, as DTT would say.

Rest his soul.

Yeah.

Hey, Milkman, can you give me Mary Menzies' number?

I think it's too late to call that old lady.

You got me real quick.

Give me a minute.

All right.

If you can, if you don't mind, you can try that.

If not, we'll call someone else.

I have it.

You just asked too soon.

Okay, I got you.

You asked too soon.

I asked too soon.

I would have had it ready in five minutes.

I didn't even know you were going to ask for it.

Asshole, making me look bad.

Let me get my pinky finger out of my goat, and I'll go look it up.

That's sick.

Nice.

What about Eddie Yutz?

Let's get that guy out of the way.

Or Rob Slob.

Okay, I got it.

I got it.

You got it already?

Wow.

Here it is.

I don't see it.

Go ahead and call this one here.

I still want to make a call tonight.

What the hell is...

Or in my bus that I can't go.

Okay, well, you're typing it, so I'll wait for you to type.

There we go.

Mary Menzies and C-State.

Kristen Statt.

See if she can give me some advice.

Hell, you got fired.

Yeah.

Hell, you lost your job.

Yeah, well, give me some advice.

She probably wants to hear about that.

I know, right?

I probably bother this little lady so much.

I've woken her up, and she'll still talk to me.

It's very pleasant.

One time, you should get her on the phone.

After you got caught stealing Bibles.

Yeah.

But it'd be cool if you could get her on the phone with the angry wolf.

yeah that'd be cool if they could talk to me they fall in love maybe they'll fall in love

and just make this a huge beautiful connection that'd be awesome we'd all go to the wedding

yeah we would have accomplished something beautiful here in pcu and said man we'll be

the maid of honor exactly milkman oh milkman the flower girl all right we'll be right back

after this prize may never deprive huh milkman yeah oh god stop that hey milkman give me the

the toll-free line real quick why don't you that's it 888 it's all you got for us did we lose him

again that's all you gotta do give us a call

give us a call it's on our dime

This authorization code is invalid.

Please enter your authorization code.

Two dollars, eighty-five cents.

Enter your destination number now.

Current balance will allow you to talk for two hours, twenty-two minutes, forty-four seconds.

On the contrary, she must be gone.

Damn it, man.

Oh, no.

She might be down island, dude.

it's the top of the year

where a lot of people

yeah but still man

she's been gone for like

weeks and weeks

they go down island

or something like that

what does that mean

I don't know

down island is

anywhere like

in the lower

lower

in the lower

leeward island

so what the fuck

does that mean

why do people go

down island

why

they call that

down island

why

anybody who goes

down the Caribbean

travels like

in the lower

leeward island

but the people

in the Caribbean

they go away

in the winter

for like

on vacation

they got a summer

home in the winter

no they go to

They go to other islands, man.

How do they have more than one?

Some of them go up to New York and places, too.

These people got that much money?

Everybody down there got that much money that they all have their little places and shit?

Shit, yeah.

Some of them got homes on other islands.

You know what I'm saying?

Where are the poor people at in there?

They don't go down to Ireland.

We got the poor people up in the hood, man.

Get some rocks and shit, man.

I'll take you on up there, man.

But you better be wearing some bulletproof vests, man.

Oh, come on.

Really?

Are you down with the gangsters, Milt, man?

Are there any homeless in the Virgin Islands?

Have you seen any homeless?

That's where I go.

Yeah, fuck that.

That's where I go.

Yeah, man.

There's this one guy they call Runner.

Okay?

He wears, he's like, he's got a real, real long ass dread.

Okay?

And it's the nasty ass, manny dread.

The thing looks like a mop.

You ever seen a mop like when, you know, you've been washing with it and you lay it up there

against the wall and it dries and it just kind of like stands straight out like a duck

bill?

Yeah, it's kind of sick.

That's the way his hair is, man.

This thing is mad.

He's got these little shorts,

his nut-hugger shorts on, right?

And he's probably about 6'2", 6'3".

And he just completely wears nothing

but just him, little tiny nut-huggers out there.

And he's standing up, he's got like three teeth,

you know, out, you know, in the front.

He's got one tooth left.

Hey, man, give me a quad.

Give me a quad, man.

Give me a dollar, man.

Okay, man?

And he goes over there, and you watch.

He sneaks back over in the bushes.

He'll take a hit of some weed.

Wow.

Hey, man, give me a quad.

Give me a quad, man.

He goes down there and goes and bites my sack.

That's a real cheat.

He sounds very happy for a homeless.

Yeah, he's having a good time.

Exactly.

I'd like to be homeless.

Oh, hell yeah, man.

That's Runner, man.

He makes a pretty good living off of quarters.

People just throw him a quarter?

You can play a lot of video games with a quarter?

No, I don't, man.

I throw out some trash.

He won't talk to me, man.

No, he don't like me.

We don't like each other.

One day he came up and knocked on my glass in my car and I about got out.

I shot him.

I shot him in the chin.

Don't look me in the eye, inferior race.

No, man.

I don't want to touch my car.

That's all right if you want a bomb, but don't touch my car.

Don't touch the KKK.

Don't touch the ride.

I don't like it when the natives mingle with me.

He got dirt on my swastika.

No, man.

He smeared grease all over my tits, man.

I had some dark out tits, man.

There he goes.

He smeared grease all over it.

You can't see me but I can see you

If you get your tent dark enough

You can't even see the colored fault

Oh hell man

We got the blackout down here

Yeah blackout

You try to get the blacks out

I heard you got that

Millman's got it on his windows in his house

So black people walk by

It just looks like clothes moving down the street

Seriously

Oh hell man

I played a tribute tonight

Did you even listen

and Richard Pryor's tribute.

I hate Kellards.

I hate them.

The Kellards.

I don't like the way he's saying it.

All right, we've been bullshitting long enough.

Let's...

Bicentennial nigger.

Didn't you listen, man?

Oh, you must not listen to this.

Look at Milkman with the N-word, man.

What's going on here?

Yeah, Milkman.

Hey, just...

Bicentennial nigger is the name of an album.

Yeah, but then you're not allowed to...

You should say Bicentennial N-word.

That's your favorite album.

No, no, no, no.

Yeah, because you get your ass beat for that.

You're not talking about any person or any state of mind.

and as a matter of fact

you know

it's not a skin color

it's a state of mind

alright

the only reason

that Milkman

listens to Richard Pryor

is so he can

use the n-word

when he retells his jokes

it's the only way

he can say the n-word

without offending

he runs around

the Virgin Islands

and he yells out

Boston Daniel Nigger

and they go

hey man

we're gonna kick your

hey man

we're gonna kick your ass

and he goes

hey that's

that's an owl

don't look me in the eye

or I'll stun you

he's got like a stun gun

like a cattle prod

He's in the supermarket

Everybody just gets out of the way

He's got a big cattle prod

Yeah I'm out of the way

I can't see you

You can see me but I don't see them

We're just messing with you

I put a cow catcher on my sneakers

I just kicked them

They get out of the way

I just speed it up to about

10 miles an hour on my

Rascal scooter and put them on the

Cow catcher there and run over the cow

Oh, poor cat.

All right.

You know, we got a number here from Mad Men of an Alina Schroeder

who gives her kids weed and beer all the time,

and her house smells like dog shit.

Smells like fire.

Yeah, it smells like a party.

I know a lot of people whose houses smell like dog shit.

Yeah?

These guys are going to go weed and beer.

Mm-hmm, exactly.

No, dog shit.

Your house really smells like weed and dog shit.

I love dog shit.

Smells like dog, though.

Yeah, he doesn't shit inside.

He doesn't shit inside, though.

You have a good dog.

Okay.

All right, well.

Your butt smells, so.

we're getting ready to wrap it up here for the night

it's already midnight

when am I going to do my call

you going to call in

I thought you were going to put me on

where's my medicine

I can't

I don't have the ability to put you on

I'm going to give you the number here to call in

this is the hotline don't give it up

I can't call in

call me on your cell phone

call my local number

then I'll connect you

you like as if you were someone else you know what i mean yeah yeah i got you he doesn't want

to do it that way he wants to be special yeah we used to do it over gizmo that's what i i didn't

know the setup yeah i don't have a setup like that it never worked out really it was a horrible echo

and i just always mess up some things don't work out exactly some things are just aren't meant to

be sir so you're gonna call into what there we go is that you milman

Larry.

Is his name Larry?

His name is Larry.

I'm Larry the...

Fixed it.

I fucked up the phone and everything.

Here comes Larry again.

Yep.

Alright, we got you back.

And sorry about that.

We had a mistake.

I knocked the, uh, I knocked the microphone and put shit out.

Put the microphone in the hole, not your finger.

What did you say that you're going to call me?

Yeah, I sent you, yeah, looking in the Google.

The network.

Now then, everybody, we'll be right back with...

Cut me off either, man.

Cut you off.

It's going to be an answering machine.

Everybody, we'll be right back with...

Enter your authorization code now.

I've never been to Belmont.

My message in Spanish is Marques Perico, no?

No, maybe the white...

You have $2.85.

Please enter your destination number now.

The current balance will allow you to talk for 4 hours 45 minutes 29 seconds.

You know how it didn't work?

Number shit.

Yeah, you got the number.

Enter your destination number now.

We got everybody.

Hello, friend.

Yeah.

I think that's it for the hangout.

Go back to Gizmo real quick, alright?

I'm on Gizmo.

We're gonna disconnect the phone.

Alright, I just hung it up.

Hey.

How does he, more than anyone else, he sounds so different with the different phone lines.

Yeah, this is a huge difference from the phone and the computer between this guy.

I don't get it.

He sounds real tough over the phone.

Like, I wouldn't even make fun of him.

Yeah, I feel bad, yeah.

So, Milkman, apparently they're bringing to the attention,

is it Fatboy Slim that, no, they don't hate him that we hate him.

He wants you off the show.

Yeah, KDK does, yeah.

No, Fatboy Slim.

Oh, Fatboy Slim.

No, he says that we're rude to Milkman.

I like Milkman.

Oh, hell, don't y'all worry and fret not about the damn old Milkman.

Listen here, man.

I drive around on my rascal scooter, and Carlito and Andy are nice enough

to let me come on the arrow show.

Don't give my boys a hard time.

This here's a madhouse, boss.

That's the answer to everything from Ilkman.

It's the madhouse.

Well, actually, the only reason he beat you in Indian leg wrestling,

that's why you let him on the show.

Exactly.

I have no choice.

He's a good Indian leg wrestler.

Exactly, he is.

Yeah, listen to him.

He's over there.

Okay.

All right, well, look, we're going to call it a night.

It's already 12-11.

I've got to get Andy home, right?

I'm sure he's...

All right, you know, I'm going to call these Welsh guys here.

One of them was the 24-hour hotline for Alcoholics Anonymous.

Ooh, watch out.

Hang on.

I'm fine.

Last call tonight, then.

Look at the one they just came to.

Yeah, call AA.

AA?

Okay.

Which one?

There's one in Cornwall.

There's one in Bristol.

You can go on up there.

I hate the names of the places there.

Latin?

Yeah, Bedfordshire.

Bedfordshire.

It was combined three words together, and that's a place.

Like Somerset.

No, that's not right.

Where is it still?

Okay.

Or Toothlog Road.

What's with Cornwall?

I mean, where would they come up with a name like Cornwall?

No, Cornwall, dude, man, it's old history.

It's Cornwall.

It's long stuff.

I know Cornwall.

It's been a while since I've heard of that.

Yeah, Cornwall.

Yeah, Cornwall was a big battle.

It was a famous general.

Cornwall was a big breaking point in English history.

Yeah, I know all about corn-holing and corn-walling myself.

Yeah, remember Cornwall?

He was over there watching that crazy movie there.

Oh, what was it called?

Milt Gibson?

Yeah.

What was his name again?

The Patriot?

He had the blue board paint on his ass.

The Patriot or Braveheart?

Braveheart.

Yeah, I think it was Braveheart.

He had like a heart-shaped blue paint on his ass cheeks.

Yeah, that was the one.

That was Woad.

Isn't that woad?

Isn't that that paint shit?

Yeah, yeah, that shit, that shit.

Yeah, I wear that when I go to raves.

Exactly.

I'm a woad warrior.

Carlos is awesome.

I'm going to go dancing.

Everybody here doesn't know, but Carlos, he's the man with the glow stick.

That's me.

Yeah.

Just one glow stick, not even two.

I can't afford two glow sticks.

I don't even need to get on the drugs, and he just starts foiling around with the glow

sticks, and my eyes roll back in my head, and then I choke myself.

You're going to a seizure, and you choke yourself.

This is the end of the hall.

My senior was so bad, I was joking with him.

Okay, the last call of the night will be to an Alcoholics Anonymous in England in Cornwall.

I have decided, and so it will be.

Yeah, so here's the last call of the night.

Everybody relax.

We'll be right back after this.

We'll allow you to talk for 3 hours, 25 minutes, 20 seconds.

The hell's that?

We are sorry.

Sorry, the number you have dialed, 4-7-5-2-7-9-1-1-1-1, is not in service.

Call the one at Bedford Shire.

Please check the number and dial again.

That's the one I'm getting suggested to call.

Message, Bedford Shire.

64.

Yeah, I'm going to send it to you again.

The first one.

Enter your number now.

Yeah.

All right, hang on, we'll try again.

Current balance will allow you to talk for 2 hours, 25 minutes, 26 seconds.

I have the number for breakfast.

I told him to call over there if he's at work.

Oh, he was there.

Well, I guess that's too late.

Yeah.

How can I help?

Hello, is this the Alcoholics Anonymous'?

It is, yes.

Okay.

My name is Billy Mira.

Hi, Billy.

Hi, how are you?

I'm fine, thanks.

I'm Jackie.

Hi, I'm an alcoholic.

Right, okay, then.

Is this the first time you've phoned up the phone line for help?

It's the first time I've found out I'm an alcoholic, I suppose.

I got your people's test over here that I just took.

Oh, right, I see.

The little big book click thing.

Yeah, I got a 72%. What does that mean?

Well, you must know inside if you think that you're an alcoholic.

I had a dream. I drank so much tonight in my hotel room that I actually passed out on the floor.

I hit my head so hard, and then Jesus came down and told me that I was an alcoholic

and gave me this number to call, apparently.

I found your little card, your little booklet here at the same time.

That's brilliant, yeah.

That's brilliant, isn't it then?

It is. I had that experience. I got on my knees and I prayed and asked Jesus to help me.

And then my cravings were took from me. It just worked like that for me.

So you used to be an alcoholic yourself?

I'm an alcoholic, yeah.

So what did you replace alcohol with?

Life.

Life?

Love?

I just go, I go to meetings and do the, you know, the program, the 12-step program.

Is it okay for me to, is it okay for me to continue to, I don't know, like, at least hyperventilate myself on a regular basis to get a high?

I don't know about that, no.

I don't know, I don't, I don't understand.

Can I drink before 12 in the afternoon? Is that a problem?

Can you drink before?

Yes, 12.

Well, if you're an alcoholic, then, you know, you've got a problem.

For me, personally, I can't drink alcohol at all.

Well, look, the only alcohol I have left is this bottle of mouthwash right now.

Right.

And I heard if I drink enough of it, like, I can actually get drunk.

I've heard that, but...

I have it in my hand right now, and I'm about to drink it.

Well, you'll have to make that your choice, won't you?

Oh, well, I think I will.

I mean, you're not really helping me out.

Now, can you give me a reason why I should not drink this bottle of mouthwash right now?

I don't know how much you're drinking, you see.

I wouldn't drink that.

You phoned up for help.

All right.

So what do I do then?

You're supposed to help me.

I'm telling you, I've got the bottle up to my lips right now.

You've got the bottle up to your lips?

Yeah.

And what I'm saying is, do you really want that mouthwash?

Hang on, hang on.

Well, then that's up to you.

So good.

Oh, yeah.

Do you want help?

Yes.

Help me, please.

Well, if you give me your name, I can get someone who can call you, and, um...

My name is...

Your name's Billy, isn't it?

My name is Al.

Al?

Alcoholic.

Right, okay, then.

If you really want...

Enter your destination.

Yes, I need your help.

You can drink half, baby.

That was great.

Okay, then.

What a bitch.

That was hilarious, man.

That was pretty good at the end, yeah.

God, I got fucking water up my nose.

Katie Kiss is telling her I'm drinking perfume.

Dude, that was better than the turds plopping, man.

That's how I'm going to say it.

I was like, yeah, exactly.

Yeah, well, that was pretty good, man.

Milkman, thank you.

I'm glad you pushed that on me.

Anyway.

So, yeah, not to beat a dead horse, but we're going to call it a night.

Milkman, thank you, of course, for being on tonight.

Let's give our shout-outs real quick, if you don't mind.

Take it away while I get myself ready here.

All right, man.

I'd like to give a big shout-out and a thank you to KDK, our benevolent sponsor.

the PCU

PhD

also Dr. Legu gives us our voice

in wonderful spaces here

to speak our voice

also Madman our wonderful

chatmeister he allows us to place here

to bust each other in the chops

and get away with it

also AMD tonight helped sponsor our calls

he did provide a lot of good numbers

and Brandon Vegas who brought us

the special Richard Pryor that we're going to close

the show with

exactly as we are I promise I swear to God I will

And thank you to everyone over at the Madhouse,

and especially all you out there at PCU.

We do it for you, and this is why it's possible.

You're welcome.

No, ma'am.

All right, so real quick, let's go down the line.

Billy Mirra, is he on?

Is he not?

I don't know.

He's supposed to be on Monday nights at 8 o'clock or Tuesday nights or whatever.

I'm not sure.

I think he's only going to be friends with Dr. Lego for a while.

Okay.

He's doing his whole serious thing, I guess, right?

That's what he's doing.

Yeah.

All right.

He's doing that, comic gigs, and a couple others.

Okay.

All right, well, that's Monday nights at 8.

Wednesday nights you have Psychobabble at 10 p.m. Eastern with KDK or someone else.

If he's not available, of course, there will be a show Wednesday nights usually.

Whoa, I just hit the wrong thing.

Thursday nights as normal, as you're hearing us tonight,

it's The Madhouse at 10 p.m. Eastern every Thursday night.

Friday nights, tomorrow night, you can catch Dr. Legos' Mental Discrepancies at 8 p.m., I guess.

Possibly, maybe not.

And then at 10 p.m., you follow up with Zolar Vision at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Saturdays at 10, you also get KDK's Lunatic Fringe.

Sunday nights at 7 p.m., K-Bone's Crazy Talk.

And then Sunday nights at 9 p.m., the venerable Sean Ward with his Peanut Punch Radio.

And that completes the circle.

How about that?

I did that pretty quickly.

I didn't dawdle this time.

Excellent.

I'm ready to go.

Well, like I said before, Milkman, thank you very much for the phone cards and for helping out.

Amen.

Anytime, man.

Thanks a lot for having us on.

Of course.

I sure did enjoy it.

Thanks, everybody, for joining us in the Madhouse tonight.

Shout out to Ellie.

I love my baby Ellie.

Yep.

Everybody in the chat room, who else?

Of course, Madman, thank you for hooking me up with a number.

Lonesome Loser, as always, thank you for confirming and providing us with numbers.

And the dead called in.

Yeah, the dead called in tonight.

That's right.

That's right, we had the dead, and we had that new guy.

That new guy.

I don't even know his name, but he was in California.

Yeah, exactly.

His name was Jose.

Jose, I don't know.

He didn't sound like a Jose.

I think it was Jose B.

Jose Pasco.

Exactly.

Jose B, I think it was.

Yeah, whatever.

He called the chicken place.

Okay, that's right.

He called the KFC.

Well.

Yeah, he was going to do a drive-by.

Well, yeah, guys, we'll catch you here next Thursday night.

And, yeah, keep listening to PCU.

Thank you, everybody.

And we'll be calling you Jack Kocaster.

You can't hide.

Yeah, bitch.

It's on.

Calls (17, 42 min of 3 h 48 min)

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