2006-01-19 Show

You're welcoming that, you?

Yeah.

All right, good.

We're broadcasting.

Good.

Fucking headphones up.

Bitches.

This is Rick James.

That's right, bitch.

The real Rick James.

Yes, Rick James, bitch.

You've obscene.

I'm one of the best looking motherfuckers.

Best singers.

The next day, bitches.

That might be great.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy yourself, bitches.

Celebration.

Today is Thursday.

Which one?

He thinks he's bad, but all he decides to announce is that if the law sees him mad, they'll knock him out.

We'll have the Republic back!

My friend, this could be the best thing that ever happened.

Those who believe here began out there, across the universe.

Tribes of humans may have been the forefathers of the Egyptians, the Baltics, or the Mayans.

In the arch-lost civilization, the Muriantis, some believe that there may yet be brothers of men now to survive somewhere beyond the heavens.

There will be no order, only chaos.

Instead, grab a blunt, take a big hit, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

This is an exclusive of PCU Radio and MadhouseLive.com.

Controllers, give me a go, no, go for launch.

Booster, retro, guidance, surgeon, G-Con, GNC, tell me, control, procedures, inco, FAO, network, recovery, Capcom, launch control, this is Houston, we are go for launch.

Real from real, real.

I take risks today.

First of all, why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you! You crazy!

Maybe he's only a little crazy, like painters or composers or some of those men in Washington.

You son of a bitch, you motherfucking...

I'm not speaking funny.

No, you speak English, I say.

You motherfucking...

Go ahead, man.

Motherfucker, you.

You bitch.

Don't never...

I'm punching him out.

Don't ever go against this boy, man.

No, my lord.

What was I saying?

What's up, everybody?

You're listening to The Madhouse.

It is 9.40 p.m. on Thursday, January the 19th.

Um, yeah, we're just here taking your calls at 1-888-278-8509.

Again, you can reach us here tonight live, toll free.

Um, yeah, 1-888-278-8509.

It's on our dime.

Is that what you said, Milkman?

Milkman, are you with us, sir?

We lost you earlier.

We lost Milkman again.

Oh, anyway.

Milkman, there he is.

Correct.

Hey, I'm higher.

Get your numbers ready.

That's right.

Confirm numbers, please, and get ready to join the party.

Exactly.

But Carlito's got a wild set up for you, didn't I?

Yeah, we sure do.

Well, of course, next to me I have Andy.

How you doing, Carlito?

What's up, Andy?

How you doing?

Thank you for being here tonight.

I'm pretty good.

You sound great in the microphone tonight.

I always sound great.

Well, you have an extra special nice voice tonight.

Yeah, good.

All right, good.

It's that gurgle that I work so hard on because everybody wants to hear that.

Exactly.

You will want to hear it.

Everybody loves the gurgle.

Exactly.

We like to hear the back of your throat.

All right, anyway, that's Andy, everybody, here with me in studio.

And of course via satellite from the Virgin Islands is the milkman. What's up milkman? How you doing? All right, man

All right, man. You're sounding good man. You're sounding great over here in the Virgin Islands.

Great. Well good to hear.

What is that sound effect?

What sound effect is that?

That one right there.

This one here? That's applause.

Oh.

See?

You know it would be funny if you had like an ice cream truck for milkman.

If I had an ice cream truck?

Yeah.

Yeah, I should do that for him, right?

I could see milkman as an ice cream truck driver in the Virgin Islands.

Because that's the closest thing we have to it these days.

Exactly.

Who else do we have on the line?

I was in that kitchen, John.

Yeah.

All right, great.

Well, we have Reclude.

Reclude, are you with us?

Fuckery, yeah.

Yeah, Reclude, try to bring your mic up.

You're sounding a little short there tonight.

What about now?

Yeah, working on it.

A little better, a little better.

Hey, you fucker, what about now?

That's great.

Keep working on it.

But we're glad to have you here.

Reclude, what you been up to, man?

Fuckery.

I don't remember, man.

You don't?

You've been smoking all day, haven't you?

You said you've been smoking all day, right?

Yes.

Wow.

Living the dream, baby.

Living the dream, huh?

I'm trying, man.

You're trying, too.

Every day is a struggle.

All right.

It's hard.

And also from, now, Milkman, I'll let you introduce our next guest here, AMD, of course, right?

Yes, sir.

Your girlfriend.

Go ahead.

All the way from Devon, England, we have a special guest tonight, a great provider of numbers

and another avid listener.

His name is AMD out of England.

Step forward, sir.

Say hello, AMD.

How you doing?

AMD.

We don't have our British guest here at all.

AMD is a no-show.

He's been here the whole time

and he sounds funny.

He sounds nice.

He's not British.

Is he Scottish?

Is it?

AMD, mate.

What's with your friend AMD, man?

Oh, he said he was going to be a minute.

Oh, he said he fucking didn't like you, Carlito.

Oh, he did?

Because I took too long?

Is that what his problem is?

No, he's just...

I do remember him saying he'd be a minute.

Is this a conspiracy?

It's Tony Blair's fluffer, actually, who AMD is.

Is that who it is? Tony Blair's fluffer. He doesn't need a fluffer.

You know someone tried to kidnap his four-year-old son or something like that?

Do you want to confess, Carlito?

No, it wasn't me. I think it was AMD, as a matter of fact.

Nah, I think you lied to some kid out in New Jersey.

Oh, yeah. What do you think about that?

That bastard, huh?

Pissed me off.

Yeah, fuck that guy.

When I heard about that, I...

That's what the word is, man.

Oh, my God.

What they just said.

How do they know who's going to win and who's going to talk?

Exactly.

This happens all the time.

Anyway, what else we got going on?

Steer me back on course here.

We're taking your calls.

We did that part.

Also, yeah, if you want to get a hold of me on AOL Instant Messenger with your number of submissions,

numbers of people who you have a background story and want to have a prank call tonight,

we do that here as a free service also.

We enjoy doing that for you listeners.

If it's your first time or if you're a commoner, regular, I used to say, right?

No, you could be a commoner.

A commoner?

A madhouse.

A commoner.

A commoner would be like someone who isn't, like you, would be a commoner.

You're associated, but you don't follow the culture.

You're just here for a show.

What?

I'm looking way too deep into it.

All right.

Never mind.

Let's just forget the last two minutes of our conversation.

You have a culture?

No, we don't have a culture here.

If we have anything, it is not a culture.

It's more like a mold spore.

Yeah, it's a virus.

It is not a culture.

I was going to say, is it like a culture sample?

Maybe like...

What?

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, hang on.

I got a request to put someone else in our conference call.

And I'll have...

Don't say who it is, Andy, because we're going to see if you guys can figure out...

It's going to be the most exciting surprise ever.

Yeah.

Okay.

Who do you think it is?

Can I go first?

Go ahead.

Nelson Mandela.

Nelson Mandela would be incorrect.

I'm sorry.

Oh, I know.

Tony Blair.

Not Tony Blair.

No, no.

No.

We'll see.

Reclude, your guess.

Ooh, Bill Cosby.

Close, but no.

Bill Cosby's nephew.

Close.

Very close to Bill Cosby.

Oh, my God.

On the air now, we have...

Go ahead, caller.

Hello.

And then we'll guess who it is.

Don't say who you are, caller.

Hey, baby.

All right, now, guess who it is.

Carlito, you guess first.

Who do you think it is?

I think it's Prankmaster.

Baby.

Hmm.

Interesting.

Reclude, any guess?

Reclude doesn't have the shit that goes on here on PC anymore.

You gotta roll it.

Can I rape you Carlito?

Oh my god.

That's a giveaway there.

Come on Milkman, who is it?

Milkman, who do you think it is?

Milky.

Oh no.

It's the dead.

Are you doing Milky?

Oh my god.

Is that?

Is that Prankmaster?

It's the baby baby.

No, it's the dead baby.

It's Prankmaster everybody.

Prankmaster on the line.

Oh my god.

Yay.

Prankmaster buddy.

How you feeling?

How you feeling Milk?

Sounding good man.

Are you feeling good?

I feel like shit.

Yeah like somebody shit in my skull.

Hey, the dead.

Hang on.

Whoa, time out, time out.

Dead, do you have headphones on, man?

No.

You should do that.

Yeah.

You should put headphones on.

I'm on a speaker, and I'm on a mic.

Well, take the speaker out, because we keep hearing ourselves, and it sounds like shit.

Oh, God.

Yeah, we're echoing.

Yeah, man.

Dude, if I fucking...

I can't fucking hear you.

If you can get some headphones on, we can continue.

Like a reckless...

I don't wanna fucking pay $30 for a pair of headphones

Have you ever been fucked in a wheelchair?

Oh go fuck yourself a recluse you fucking asshole

Listen, you don't fuck with me

Go fuck yourself a recluse

Go fuck a prank master in the fucking ass you motherfucking asshole

Tell him to do that

Fucking bitch

There's some way to go piss on your own feet.

Go get a fuckin' shot of Dizono and the Rocks or some shit.

You should get Dr. Kevorkian.

Okay, that's wrong.

Go get fucked by your bitch Scarlet or some shit.

Starlight.

Scarlet?

Starlight.

Let me go slap her right there.

Go get fucked by your bitch Starlight.

Go fuck your Willy or some shit.

Willy?

Andy?

Go wake up your willy, motherfucker.

All right.

Dead now.

Respect now.

Be nice.

Now, I apologize.

They're making fun of you.

That's not very nice.

I wish I had a good time.

Don't be a pussy.

No, I'm just, you know, we love the dead here.

I'm just kidding, man.

We like the dead.

Yeah.

All right.

So are we okay today?

We're okay, right?

Huh?

We're okay, the dead, right?

The dead.

Yeah, he's a cool guy.

Yeah, he makes good pranks.

He does.

He's great.

He's a great contributor, yeah.

Everybody can prank while Long's here.

Is he even on with us?

The Dead, where are you?

Hey, Reckless.

Yes, Mike.

Have you heard that DDD is now a co-host on the Dr. Lego show on Mondays or Tuesdays now.

Is he really?

Yeah, that's a great move.

Yeah, that's a big move.

I like that.

It's a big move.

It's very important.

I'm glad to hear that.

Man, well, there we go.

I was trying to get the Dead to move into my house, but that's probably out the window now.

Where is he anyway?

The dead, speak up

I'll send a dispatch out to the dead

He's not responding anymore

I think he might have left

Hello?

We thought you hung up

My grandma gave me

A happy ending

She did already

She had a bedtime story

What bedtime story?

Give me a happy ending

Jerky

Did you go out with a hand-release DD?

I could do

Shut up you motherfucker

You

God damn boy

Today you're gonna be on Dr. Lego's show now?

I don't give a fuck

Alright who do we have in the line?

I want my own show

You think you should be the host

Hey look this is a place called The Weed Man

And it's a Latina woman answered in California

Hey we're way off track here guys

Come on now

Let's make some prank stuff

Stop being a fucking faggot.

Exactly, let's stop being an asshole.

Hello there, land of PCU and Carly 2 and Milkman and Recluse.

How you doing?

I'm sorry about that.

My PC fucked up and I lost the stream.

Hello there, I'm AMD, everybody.

How you all doing?

Great. Well, AMD, why don't you tell us about yourself?

Where exactly do you live?

I live in Devon.

Well, it's actually Torquay in Devon in the UK.

I did work for a legal firm until the firm went fucked up.

and so at the moment I'm flogging windows for a place called Coastal

Windows in Devon too. So you know and I'm also drunk and a little bit stoned as

well. So you're the voice behind the crazy neurotic old guy that we thought

we were genuinely pranking somebody. I am indeed. So that was actually you the whole time. But it was actually

It was actually me, and Nono actually got it straight away because, well not the first time, but he clicked on the second time, it was me, and yes, Nono, you were 100% correct, it was me.

Does it make you...

I was just like, well like I say, the famous catchphrase is, what? What are you doing calling me over this time in the morning?

Exactly.

Classic stuff, great stuff.

AMD, does that make you feel like a big man that you tricked us? Is that what it is? You feel like a big man?

Well, well, not really, no, but I'm looking for my tennis.

Yeah, what the hell is this?

What's that?

Andy, do you have your own theme music?

It's like a whole music.

It's not my theme music, who's playing that?

Oh, that's not right.

Oh, Jesus, no, no, no.

Are you guys going to make a prank, or are you guys going to be cocky?

That's enough now, come on

You need to take a shot

and go out, man

On the chat room now

No, no, yes, you said it was me

Yes, you are 100% correct

Nunu wins a prize, everybody

You do indeed

Nunu, you've won five Carlito dollars

You can't put one over on him

He's a smart one

Alright, we've got

submissions from Lonesome Loser in the chat room

If you're not in the chat room, do so now

Now, if you're using an IRC client, you want to go to irc.lazy-net.de

and join our IRC chat in channel PCU.

Also, if you have Java installed, you can do that.

You can join us in the chat for free right from your web browser.

You want to head on to www.kdkprankcalls.com.

That's K-D-K as in kill, death, kill, prankcalls.com.

exactly where is the dead the dead say something for the love of god we're gonna cut you off

hello the dead is dying what is that noise okay you motherfucker don't call me off anyway so

also madhouse live.com someone else is are you puffing on the raft tell us the truth

i do i just want to have bedtime story with penthouse and happy ending from the maid

A bedtime story from Penhouse

Those are the nice ones

Penhouse is the classy one

I like demanding them

Anyway, the dead isn't too happy, guys

You guys are making fun of him

I'm just saying, I'm hearing rumors of the dead

He just sent me

Eight periods in a row as a message

He's a good dude

What do you make out of that?

Let me count that

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight

That's nine

Nine periods in a row

Is all I got

Well, I'll tell you this.

He's a good pranker, and we're good to have him.

Exactly.

I mean, we're glad to have him.

I'm fucked up.

My understanding, eight periods means I hate you,

I never want to talk to you again.

Nine means everything is cool, we're all good,

I'll be back later.

You know, there's a whole big difference between eight and nine periods.

I think so, too, yeah.

So we're all right.

It's a very dangerous form of communication.

Well, let me send him three.

Let me send him two back.

Yeah, two is I love you.

You know what?

But in honor of the dead, I'm going to go on and prank everybody with his voice tonight.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

You can't do that.

No, no.

That's the perfect way to honor the dead.

No, no.

Reckless, you're a very volatile guest, and that's why we love you on here, because you

get us ratings.

Because I'll tell you, we're having the best summers you've ever had before.

We've got 34 people listening on PCU, and we have five people on the secret server.

Yeah, already.

Exactly.

Well, yeah, it's not even 10 o'clock, though.

Like this.

What'd you do?

Don't worry about it.

Nothing?

What'd you do?

Don't worry about it.

All right.

You have stuff in your...

Okay, I see what you got in here.

Okay.

Yeah, you're on, D-Dead.

Yeah.

Yes, D-Dead, you're on.

D-Dead's in, apparently.

If not, he needs to disconnect and try to reconnect.

D-Dead.

Anyway.

I heard a beep, so I think somebody's just come in.

Yeah.

Well, they're not talking, so...

We'll continue this as long as we can.

Hang on, guys.

And...

Okay.

So, yeah, the website for the show is madhouselive.com.

This is always organized, man.

We never end up starting up like a normal show until, like, 10.30 anyway.

I hear D-Dead back there.

How are you doing?

Hello.

I don't think that's the dad, man.

That sounds like somebody else.

That sounds like Quanky.

That sounds like Prankmaster.

How did Prankmaster get up?

You going to make a prank?

He just did.

Prankmaster's always in, man.

He never goes away.

Anyway, we'll talk more about that later.

But here, what I'm trying to get at,

Lonesome Lose in the chat room,

our guaranteed confirmer, great guy.

Like it, wow.

Yeah, he is saying...

Oh, no, I got one, two, three, four, five, six.

I got seven periods from the dead.

Oh, that's good.

That's good?

Seven's okay.

So eight's a bad one, though.

Yeah.

Okay.

Thirteen would be he's going to kill me, right?

It's the time of the month.

He has a heavy period.

The numbers I got here, I've got, okay, from the beginning, we got Donna and Darwin Dump.

We have Harry and Patricia Dump.

We have Clifford Raw.

We have Raymond Raw.

We have Billy Crystal in Idaho.

We have Bobby and Robin Williams.

We also have, in Akron City, Ohio, we have Junk Cars and High Weeds,

Nooses Complaints, Dog Bite Reporting, and an old lady answer to that.

Yeah, I used to live there.

Yeah, in Akron?

Rubber City.

Yeah, Rubber City.

Is that for condoms or tires?

Rubber City.

Yeah.

No, Firestone and shit.

Oh, they're out of there?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's where all the degenerates make tires.

The dead left our conference.

Now he's calling back.

I think they blow him up by hand, too.

Don't be a fucking ass.

He's cool.

hang on

hang on a second

keep it right with us

alright anyway

we also have the

weed doctor in New Jersey

and we have the

weed man in California

so that's

we're gonna call

try the weed man

I'm asking for some blow

exactly

say we wanna get

stoned tonight

okay

fuck it mate

hey

alright um

what else I'm trying to say

yeah if you wanna

submit your numbers to us

either get in the chat room

uh if you can't make it

uh there's plenty of room

in there of course

you can also get us on

madhouse radio

on AOL instant messenger

again

AOL instant messenger

madhouse radio uh yahoo instant messenger you want to hit us up at madhouse pcu radio

and if you're using msn messenger you want to use madhouse pcu radio at hotmail.com that's that so

let's get started eh um we got up here let's let's call the junk cars highways news complaints

and dog bite reporting i seriously can't believe that's a business like it's just for people to

It's in Akron. That's all it's listed as?

Yeah, it's Akron City, and I got that.

And some old lady answered it about a half hour ago, so she should still hear it.

Oh, hells yes.

All right, well, let's do it. Let's see if I can figure this out here.

All right, folks, we'll keep listening.

It's now just about 10 p.m. Eastern on Thursday the 19th,

and we're coming at you with the first call.

We'll be right back after this. One moment, please.

Makes me wonder, makes me wonder how I keep from going under.

Take the noise, got no money to move on.

I guess I got no choice.

Rats in the park, who's in the back?

Junkies in the alley with the better.

3-1-1 contact center, may I help you?

Yeah, what do you say there, ma'am?

Is this where I can call about dog bites and whatnot?

Not necessarily a dog bite.

Right. Are you reporting one, or you're asking about one?

I'm reporting a very large, obnoxious dog who snarls and stuff at me, and it's horrible, and then the neighbors are...

Okay, stop for a moment. What you're describing to me is not what you just asked, so I need to know so I can direct you where it should be.

Oh, okay. So you can't help me? What's going on?

No, what I'm asking you is you're speaking about a dog bite.

No, no, not a bite.

Does it already occur?

Ma'am, please don't be rude to me. I pay taxes here just like you do, and I pay your salary.

Sir, I need to know, are you talking about a dog bite?

No, just listen. No bite. N-O-B-I-T-E. No bite.

Just a dog who's a nuisance.

And they have high weeds, and they have this car that hasn't been running for two years

in the middle of their lawn, like right in the middle, not even parked straight, just in there.

And the door's been open for two years now.

And the dog is inside, chained up inside, and then he just barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks.

He barks?

Sir, I cannot assist you unless you allow me to ask you questions.

Go ahead.

Number one, the house, is it vacant?

No.

There are people living in the house at this time with the dog.

Yes, and they're white people.

Stop for a moment. Let me ask you another question.

They're dirty white people.

Sir, let me ask you a question.

Please.

I need from you the address.

Do you know the name of the people who live there?

Yes, I do.

Can I give it?

I need the address.

Can we talk faster than this, please?

Sir, if you wish for me to assist you, I'll be more than happy.

But if you cannot answer my questions, I will end this call.

Hey, listen.

Listen, woman.

No, hang on.

Listen, I don't need you to get on my nephew at 325 North Exchange Street.

Hang on.

My cousin's going to explain this to you a little better, okay?

Because obviously you don't like me.

Hang on.

All right, go ahead, John.

Hello?

Hello, sir?

Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm trying to...

I got them dogs running around.

You guys got a car?

I can't hear you, sir.

Please say again.

I can't hear you.

Please say again.

Hey, I'm Tamara. Open the fuckin' doors.

One phone, please.

Rode in my goddamn show.

Apparently you have a phone that's a cell phone and a landline.

Alright, well I'm back on it.

No, I have a fuckin' mirror up my ass.

Excuse me, hang on.

Okay, the information you gave me is for three different requests.

Right.

So I need to know what's going on right now so I know where to direct the service request.

Okay.

That's why I'm asking you questions the way I am.

Okay, let's clear our minds, clear our minds, clear our minds, clear our minds, okay?

You clear with me? Clear.

Okay, let's start from the beginning.

My name is Jack Valente.

The address that you're speaking about.

Yes, exactly. At the address that I'm speaking about, there are...

What's the address?

There are high weeds...

325 North Exchange Street, goddammit!

There are high weeds there.

Okay, that's fine. But I need to know the address so I can...

You don't want to work, do you?

You just want to sit on your black ass, don't you?

It's 2005, okay?

Uh-huh.

Alright, I'll spell the rest.

H-I-G...

Motherfuckers.

H-W-E-E-D-S-I-N-T-H-E-L-A

If this is a national service request, then I can help you, but what you're doing here is not helping anybody out.

But I'm telling you the information. Obviously, we can't, I don't know if you need a translator.

Sir, sir.

Listen, lady, we got a lawyer that wants to talk to you. Put the lawyer on the line right now.

Hello?

Hello there, ma'am.

Hang on.

Hello, lawyer. Hello there.

Ma'am, could we speak to you, please?

If

this is an actual call, please give me...

Yes, I'm actually the lawyer representing them two fellows here, but they're dog bites.

And actually, I've been listening to the call, and I actually sound very unprofessional.

And, well, I'll tell you what, if you carry on like that, then you'll be up with a lawsuit on your hands, okay?

So I'd like some...

You've got them right.

Yeah, some respect from you, please.

What is your name, ma'am?

I didn't catch it.

Hello, ma'am?

Enter your destination number.

Oh, no, she quit.

Give her a ring back.

Call that bitch back.

Damn right, man.

Damn right.

Hey, Carlito.

Yeah, what's up, man?

What the lawyer?

Hello?

Stop for a second.

Hey, Carlito, can you hear me?

Am I coming in all right?

Yes, yes.

Verklut, you got to remember, unless I'm telling you I'm putting my uncle on the line

or something like that, they're not going to hear you.

So you're actually talking over me and her, actually.

Okay.

I have to hit, like, two buttons in order to make it so you can get hurt, so.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah, that's okay.

No worries.

worries. It's all, we're testing this

old technology out. It's new

technology from the future.

Yeah, exactly. I went through

time.

Can she hear me okay? Yeah, she heard

you fine. She hated you.

That's fucking lazy.

You drove her crazy. Something about the

British accent gives it validity

that he was a lawyer for some reason. You know what I mean?

That's right.

I'd be in business if I wanted to sue her off.

Exactly.

In England, he probably sounds like

It's like a common gutter swipe or something.

You think so?

No.

Well, I can do a posture accent.

Hell, hell.

Well, something like that anyway.

I'll work on it.

We'll work on it.

That's a project to do.

Okay, well, yeah.

I wonder how you guys are.

I think you guys are fine.

Okay, let's continue on and see who else we can call now.

Does anyone know what I have to title a page to make the default 404 not found page?

I know that.

I know that answer.

I have no idea.

I do.

I've done it before.

I have it, like, I have it written down here somewhere.

Oh, like a tree.

Yeah.

Anyway, so in the chat room we have someone saying what's happening.

Obviously a smoker of weed.

Not much here, sir.

Because of the name of his name, which I won't give out.

I don't give out the AOL names because it's kind of private, you know.

Oh, please do.

Okay.

It's, no, I'm not going to do that.

Zolar is talking to me.

He said the lady was funny.

Who was the person?

Oh, okay.

So you got a chat room going here?

A private chat?

Well, we can't.

Yeah, I'm not supposed to give out

I'm not supposed to give out

That's in violation

That's a chat room to be in

Yeah, that might be a violation

I think this is the VIP chat, I think

Now everybody's like, what's the VIP chat, huh?

Now everybody's going to be pissed

They can't be in it, though

I probably couldn't even get in it

They'd be like, no

Well, Nunu's asking me if I'm going to call

He can't be in the VIP chat

Andy, you have to show your titties

Yeah, he wants me to show, uh, call George Takai.

I'll chop you in your goddamn turkey neck.

Turkey neck?

Yeah, you know he got a turkey neck.

He sounds like it, right?

Yeah.

Is that the waddle he means?

Talking about my titties.

You need to take me out to dinner first.

Hey, Milkman, I don't see you on Google, though.

Are you on Google?

You're not on Google.

Get on Google.

That's how we normally communicate in there, man.

That's our normal...

I'm on...

Nigga chat.

Milk me.

What the hell?

All right, buddy, and my...

Hey, uh, Carlito.

Yes, sir, how can I help you?

I'd just like to say that, um, I'd like to say hello to all the niggas out there.

Whoa.

Oh, wow, man.

Well, I don't think black people listen to yourself.

Yeah, over here in the UK, we like niggas.

We sure do, bloody hell, governor.

Who's that imitating me?

Well, my name is actually Eric Johnson, actually, my name is.

And, um, we actually, we do talk like that as well.

Like everybody in America thinks that we talk like that.

Well, it is, and it's bloody potatoes in the mold here, that's for sure.

Cool.

Yeah.

Someone else has joined the chat room, I suppose.

No.

Has joined the conference call.

Who do we have on?

I will block him.

That's the dead.

Yeah, man.

Wagwan.

Great Scott in the house.

The dead.

How you doing, buddy?

The dead.

All right.

The dead.

Yeah.

No, it's not the dead, everybody.

Is this Great Scott?

Yeah, come on.

Wagwan.

Oh, you made it.

Great Scott.

That sucks.

I thought we were going to talk to the dead.

What are you talking about?

You don't even know who Great Scott is.

I know, but I thought we were going to talk to the dead again.

You don't know how important Great Scott is.

All right.

Great Scott is good, but he may be limited on time.

Do you have any time, brother?

I don't lie on the floor and roll around with incense, if you want to ask me that.

All right.

Milkman completely understands that.

Minata Chichiman, you know.

Ah, yes, Chichiman.

I know what that is.

I've heard of that term before.

Anyway, so do you want to do a call?

Are you a little bit on time?

Is that what's going on?

You got to get back to your cell.

So, what we're just doing, the conference is really fucked up.

Oh, God.

Oh, it's the dead again.

I'm here.

Hey, it's the dead, yes!

The fucking microphone got fucked up and my mouth died.

Your mouth died?

His mouth died.

Yeah, I had to rip my subway batteries.

I have a cordless mouth, so you know.

Oh, yeah.

That's some crazy shit, Dad.

Yeah, those cordless mice, they go all the time.

You have a big cat, the dead?

He probably blew a rotor in it.

The dead, you got incense burning?

No, I don't. I ran out.

Did you run out?

Are you covered in blood?

No, I didn't.

Actually, I didn't run out.

I took a 36-piece.

That's alright.

I look better than getting naked.

You're gonna be getting naked, idiot.

But yeah.

Nigga.

Alright, anyway, let's continue.

Um, we've got... who do I got available here?

I got the weed doctor and I got the weed man.

Weed doctor.

Carlito.

Trying to score some blow off him.

Do you want to attempt that call, Great Scott, while we have you?

Do you want to try the Weed Man in California?

What do you mean?

What are you laughing at?

There we go.

He was just like breathing at the same time.

Why they call him the Weed Man?

I don't know.

He was breathing into their bike.

There was a Latina woman who answered there about 30 minutes ago and it's in California,

in Hanford, California.

But why they call him the Weed Man?

That's what I think you should ask.

Yeah, it might be, they might fight weeds, or they might, I don't know, that's a good question.

Maybe they have weeds.

Oh, so you mean you want to tell them that you want to buy some smoke?

Exactly, tell them you want to buy weed.

You have weeds, you fucking idiot.

Oh, no, you can't threaten them.

You can't threaten them.

I just want to threaten everybody.

You have weeds, you fucking idiot.

No, we're going to tell them.

It's a defect, they're all angry.

I'm going to tell them we need to get some weed, we're coming through now.

We're going to come knock on his door to pick up some weed.

All right, no, good.

And we need to get stoned, yes, because, well, just say it's an urgent...

They're gonna know, I mean, if we're asking for weed.

We need to get wasted.

A British guy in Jamaica

and a zombie.

And a zombie in Bruno Vega

does a Spanish guy and I'm

multi-generous, whatever the hell I am.

There you go.

I got my incense burning.

Good luck with that.

So when I call, I'm gonna ask for the weed, man?

The weed, man. Yeah, the weed, man.

Yeah, man, we gotta ask for the weed, man.

See what I'm all about.

You got it. We'll be right back, everybody, with the next call.

Great Scott, the guest, is now 10-12.

We're calling the Weed Man in California.

We'll be right back after this.

I have my internet...

Authorization code now.

Sufficient funds to make this call.

Message 49.

Aw, that sucks.

You fucked it up.

What's going on? Did we run out of phones?

You, listen to me.

Please enter your authorization code now.

You do not have sufficient funds to make this call.

We're gonna need a new phone card number because I didn't bring up the one that I bought

today.

Unfortunately.

Alright, hold on.

My bad.

It's gonna come to your name, okay?

Okay.

Anyway.

Yeah.

So, um, nobody else has sent me any private numbers yet.

Well, we got Saigon in the chat room.

He's very controversial Saigon.

Uh.

Yeah, he's a fucking cult.

He's, he's got me.

Saigon sucks.

It's, it's the number two.

Fucking bend his head.

Right?

It's Saigon.

Bend his head.

He's a swanny

Ben Saigon

All right, Saigon

All right, enough about Saigon

Jesus Christ, there's no control here

Come on there, Rainman

Who's the man with the English accent?

That is me

Dad, shut up for a second

Dad, why do you hate Saigon?

I am the man with the English accent

Fuck you all

Wagwan Saigon

What's that?

What the fuck was that?

What's that boy?

How the devil are you doing in there?

I'm very spiffing at the moment and it's very big entertainment in this particularment of the world.

There you go, that's as posh as my accent gets, you know, apart from the Welshness.

Yeah man, you know Jamaicans in English get along good, you know.

Oh damn right mate, damn right.

I got a lot of Jamaican friends, and they're quite good because they come down here for smoke now and again.

You're in the madhouse.

Hello.

Yeah, what's up, Milkman? How you doing, man?

All right, I can't aim this.

I was just going to give you the air, but I guess I'm going to be on air with it.

You know what? No one's going to know. Just give me the PIN number. Who cares, dude?

Okay, but it's a different card this time.

We got a problem, then. We got a problem.

What's wrong? You can't send me a message? Is that what's going on?

I'm not able to get in right now, man.

You're not able to get in right now. That's not good.

I'm in the chat room. I'll try in the chat room.

Send it to me in a private message in the chat room.

You're in the chat room. I don't understand.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Sorry about that, man.

I'll send the message in.

Okay. I guess you did.

Well, as usual, I don't know what the hell's going on.

That was the best call ever.

Yeah. Of 2006 so far was that one.

Wow.

And recklessly in the way too many people.

Yeah, right to the point that he didn't know.

Exactly.

And then, you know, he said he apologized for being as dumb as he is.

Yeah.

Yeah, anyway, well, let's just try to get something going on here.

Hopefully he'll fix this, dude.

Prank.

We can't, so we get a phone card, and I bought a phone card today, and it's delivered to my freaking car.

And you're still on the speakers.

Jesus Christ, you're still on the speakers, aren't you?

Yeah.

Dude, I know that's no fucking headphone.

You don't give a fuck.

You don't care.

You don't fuck with me.

You don't care, dude.

Everyone.

Dude, you don't care.

I don't got no headphone.

You don't care.

Everyone.

I don't got no headphones

I just bought a headphone, fuck you

Hey man you with the madhouse live crew right here with your host Carlito and Kors

I don't get some headphones

You go get a

Why don't you have fucking headphones

Yeah

You go get a stereo dildo

I don't have a headset

Go fuck yourself a reclute you fucking asshole

Boy I need to buy some headsets man

Why can't the Dead put his helmet on and walk to the store and get a new headset?

PayPal you $7,000 fucking prick.

Alright guys, we're gonna have to regroup here. The Dead's not working out cause he's over there.

The short bus doesn't go to Best Buy.

I don't understand you, you asshole.

The short bus doesn't go to Best Buy.

Fuck you, recluse.

The short bus only goes to the supermarket.

That's all I can get.

When they get headphones at the supermarket.

Alright, Milkman, what's your status? Anything yet?

He's not even talking right now.

Trying to message you send me a message Carlito

MSG MSG, you know if I have to call a break and go to get the damn phone card

I will did okay. I got it that time

I was asleep. Some guy tells me he has a card for me. It's probably

You have been signed up for oh, what the fuck man? Okay. Wait a minute. What am I doing here?

I can say no

My fuck is ain't shit. Sorry. I'm so I'm really I'm like really

Okay, hey send me and I am on a

While you figure that out we're gonna I got a backup here to lose and lose your sending me a phone card so we can

Move on record. You make to me pre come

Like pre come

Rekloot makes me freak out

Oh, Rekloot makes you-

HELLO

I'm touching my asshole right now

The Dead

Chichimon in the house, The Dead

Where else can I find him?

S-O-P-O-S-O-M-E-A-T-I-O-T

Dad?

Invalid DIN number

Oh, you motherfucker

Please re-enter

Not what y'all did, y'all

My fingers stink now

followed by the pound key.

Alright. The Weed Man, you ready?

Yeah, man, you ready?

Fuck you!

You're dead, don't talk, man.

You have 50 minutes remaining.

All servers are busy now.

To make another call,

please dial the next number.

Please press star-pound to redial.

Alright, hang on.

We're gonna have to do some major restructuring here.

Because nothing is working out.

We have way too many people on conference, man.

So we're actually going to take a musical break real quick.

We're going to take a musical break real quick while I fix something,

and we'll be right back.

Great Scott.

All right, Dan.

Great Scott, we're going to send you a new number.

All right.

No, man, get Great Scott.

I'm going to the backup line.

Wow, the backup line.

If you've got the backup chat, go to the backup chat number.

All right, there we go.

Yeah, back up chat.

Okay, whatever.

Meet you there.

Bye.

I imagine him breaking a little glass window right now

and then getting a piece of paper that's got the address written on it.

Yeah, is that what it is?

So I'm sorry, folks, but the dad is just either really drunk

or he's out of it or whatever the heck's going on.

He's touching his butthole.

He's doing something, and he won't stop talking,

so we're going to have to redo stuff.

Hello there.

Who do I have?

Okay, you got a man who moved to my house.

Good.

That was very quick and done.

Now, if you can get that to Scott, I'll get it to Reclute, and we'll move on here.

Yeah, Reclute already has it, but I'm going to send it to him anyway.

I'm going to get Grace out of here now.

He should have it, too.

Who's this?

Okay, I'm almost talking.

Great.

You make me feel...

This is Reclute again.

Reclute, save yourself.

Everybody's cutting out.

I'm going to have to kill everything, I think, here in a second.

This is not working out.

Anyway, let me fix the phone card.

I'm going to put the new phone card in.

We'll get back to some calls.

Hang on, everybody.

The Dead's upset, he said, damn me.

Where's he from?

He is from, uh...

Mongolia.

No, he's from...

Where the hell is he from?

Chicago.

Chicago, yeah.

Chicago, sorry, Chicago.

Your PIN number has been completely used to make a domestic collect call within the United States.

This is great.

This is beautiful.

Milkman, that doesn't work.

I'm sorry, Scott.

I'm sorry, Recluse.

Sir, we're just here playing music and shit.

great scott yeah man how long you been doing the the voice for the the jamaican voice like how did

you perfect it did you learn by listening oh i thought that was his real voice no he's actually

a white dude yeah man let me tell you something me i go to jamaica me i go to jamaica two three

time yeah me have a lot of bridge on there and spend a lot of time you know i see yeah yeah

man me a flex with a lot of people there you know have you been with a lot of mexican a lot of

jamaican women yeah me knew you were going to say that yeah yeah well i'm just asking if you

you would have dared to not dare to i'm saying i would you would you have apprehension no i mean

like the uptown girls the real light-skinned ones you know the ones from kingston right okay

they're like more light-skinned so they're more okay i got you what is it real what the real look

white almost white skin you know yeah what hotel rwanda what were the cockroaches were the

remember there were two of them yeah you never saw hotel rwanda yeah there was a the difference

if if you were lighter skinned or darker skin you hate each other yeah man you're breaking up a

a little bit. Oh, no, I am.

Well, sounds good. Anyway.

The dead is trying to find us

and I hope he doesn't. Because the only problem

I don't... Not that I hate the dead, but

he was just misbehaving and stuff, you know?

I like him. I think he's funny.

Anyway, Milkman, what's up with the phone card? Come on, man.

Can't find it.

I didn't have one right here because I thought you were going to use your card.

Alright, hang on. I forgot it.

Alright, hang on. Let's just... We're going to have to take a break.

It's already 10.30 anyway.

Hang on. Let me... I'll go get the phone card.

Our programming will do it ourselves.

Don't worry about it, man.

We got it.

I told you myself, as a matter of fact, it's my fault, because I said I was going to provide

the phone card, so I didn't bring it with me, so.

All right, guys.

Did, uh, well, we got Reclute and, uh, Great Sky.

You guys okay waiting here where I take a quick break and fix everything?

I think, uh, is anybody in the room yet?

I don't know.

What happened to the Englishman?

I'm here.

Don't worry.

All right, you're there also.

Good.

Where are you from?

I just got back in.

Well, I am from a place called, well, I live in Devon, like I said earlier.

earlier. Devon in Torquay, but I'm from Wales, a place called Caldecott originally.

Wales?

Wales.

I love the accent. I love the accent. A wicked accent, man.

It is. Just like yours. It's great, Scott. It's a very good thing to have. Accents

are important. I lost mine. I never had an accent, and I'm Puerto Rican. I never had

an accent, but hey, I digress.

Well, I can do my very posh accent. It's like, hello, how the devil are you? It's

all spiffing high, and everything's top of the top of the morning. I don't talk

Not really, you know.

Come on, say something with the R in there, like great.

You know what I'm saying?

Great.

You know what I'm saying?

It's great.

I didn't want to see her because I thought she was going to use your card.

All right, hang on.

I forgot it.

All right, hang on.

Let's just, we're going to have to take a break.

It's already 10.30 anyway.

What the fuck?

Okay.

Hang on, let me, I'll go get the phone card.

Our programming team will do it ourselves.

Don't worry about it, man.

We got it.

I told you myself, as a matter of fact, it's my fault because I said I was going to use your card.

Zolar?

Yes, I am.

How you doing?

man. What?

Now Zolar's in the chair.

Great. Well, the only problem is, Zolar,

your sound is

you're broadcasting in stereo mix.

Hello. No, I don't have them.

Okay. I'm here. I'll fix that. I'll fix it.

Cool. Fix that. I'm about to take a break,

so if you don't mind holding. Okay, so we got Zolar on the line,

Milkman, Stan on the line, of course, Great Scott,

and we have Reclute, I suppose,

and we have AMD also.

So we're going to try to regroup.

Damn right. God damn it.

Yeah, all right. Well, PC, you're power.

All right, Great Scott, this is for you, if it'll start.

There we go.

This is the weed man?

Well, something for you.

We'll be right back, everybody.

It's now 1030.

Give us about five minutes, and I'll be back, and we'll move on forward and regroup.

We'll be right back after this.

House, right after this.

How do I fix that?

Oh, it's Demi and Molly I just heard.

Are you there?

Yeah, how do you fix it?

Take them pants off, Carlito is back.

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Madhouse is on ACU.

We're breaking.

Y'all ready to call weed, man?

Yeah, man, we're on the break right now, man,

because you're going to be the first stop.

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Madhouse is on ACU.

Forget the break structure.

Good.

There I am. What's up everybody? We're back. I think I got it figured out now. Everything's copacetic.

Who do we have on the car? Let's get the conference room down and packed so we don't have to stop anymore.

We got Great Scott on the line, I know, of course.

Yeah, I'm on.

Yeah, I'm on. Alright, uh, Reclude, are you present?

No.

D, are you present?

I sure am. We need loud and clear.

AMD so far is...

Do you hear them cops?

I don't ever hear...

Where I live in O...

Yeah, cause they're busy pulling people over down Tuscawilla and all they do, they always search your car when you get pulled by them.

Why them?

Always stressing.

Them catch me with a little spliff and lock me up, man.

Exactly.

For three days.

Yeah, three days?

Wow.

If you got pulled over, you wouldn't talk like that.

If you got pulled over, you'd be in your normal voice, man.

Scott, come on now.

What else we got going on?

Milkman, are you there?

Yes, sir.

We're doing good, man.

The party room got a little bit crowded, man.

We were bumping some heads, and we were ready to roll, man.

Okay, and who else?

Anybody else here that you know about before we continue?

Zolar.

What's up, Zolar?

How you doing?

Zolar was in the room.

Zolar, are you still here?

I am here.

Can you hear me?

Yeah, okay.

You're coming in.

Great.

All right, good.

Zolar, well, it's good to hear you.

And you're going to be on tomorrow night at 10 o'clock.

Is that your status so far?

Are we looking good?

That's correct.

My show will be at 10 p.m. tomorrow here on BZU.

Right.

Yeah, I'm on.

Zolar in the house.

Oh, a little applause for Zolar.

I'm sorry.

Applause for everybody.

All of you, give yourself a round of applause.

Rexwood, go ahead and clap over there.

Fuck it.

And we've had the Dead in and out tonight.

The Dead, how are you doing?

and is he there?

No.

No, not the dead.

All right.

We lost the dead.

Okay, everybody.

The dead was having

little problems

with his audio.

Yeah.

Feedback to the speakers

and we require

a headphone

for our show.

Yes, that's right.

So tonight

we can't have the dead

back on,

but he'll be back on soon.

Perhaps in the future

if he can afford

a headset,

headphones.

Yeah, thanks a lot

for trying, though.

Thanks a lot for trying.

You can get that

at the dollar store.

You can get a pair

of headphones.

He's going to the

fucking...

I know that,

but he's got incense

and he's got to

He's got to burn the incense and mow it on the floor first.

Listen, he's got his mom in a home and shit.

That means he's got some kind of bread.

He's got priorities.

Hey, listen, man.

We got great Scott here.

He's ready to call, man.

Yeah, we need to call the weed man.

He's got a big blunt he just handed to me.

Oh, great.

Awesome.

He wants some information on the weed mines.

So set him up and turn him loose.

Okay.

Well, yeah, the weed man, as I said, all we have is a weed man.

I'm guessing maybe this person kills weeds or something.

I don't know exactly what any location in California number from we got it from Lonesome Lose

I don't know if you know who he is, but he's our he's a very great contributor here

He confirms a lot of numbers for us on a nightly basis

Thank me guys tell him we're gonna tell him his neighbor told me to call him up to get some weed from him exactly

Yeah, so and that was a latina woman answer

So maybe you can hit on her too, and you know give her some of that. He don't weed my mom's exactly yeah

I'm on all right. Well. We'll be right back with that everybody if I can find the correct son to go to yeah

Yeah, we're going to try this one more time, so keep your fingers crossed and pray.

Pray to God that this works.

Yeah!

Hey, Zola.

Yeah, man.

You ready?

You can put on your great accent you do, the drunken one.

Why you not get it all?

Because I've been drinking all night, you know.

If me get loose with this man, me gonna say me have me Irish brother here,

and him want to have some wheat, and him getting real drunk,

and he getting pissed off, and he gonna kill somebody.

if I'm going to get no weed.

It's like, you know, if we didn't get no weed,

we'd all be in Europe.

Come on, come on.

English, plus one.

The balance is five dollars.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Five hundred. Minutes.

What the fuck kind of language is that?

That's the answering machine there.

That was a language?

That's retarded.

Yeah, that's retarded.

Well, we'll try the weed doctor then. I guess we took too long to comb it.

I can call the weed doctor and tell him that I grew ganja in my backyard or lack of weed and

them gonna come lock me up and need to get rid of the weed. Can them come and get rid of the weed?

Too much weed.

Tell him your babies are dying.

I can tell him if you wanna, I can smoke some weed with him while them cut the weed away.

Hell yeah, mother!

This a weed doctor?

For English, plus one.

Para español, marca el dos.

Your balance is $4.98.

Here's a number you wish to call.

All right, dude.

Sky.

You have 497 minutes.

All right, this is in New Jersey, Princeton, New Jersey, the Weed Doctor.

Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

Please try your call again later.

Nothing works.

This is great.

Well, Scott, I have big butt mining in Virginia.

That was confirmed about 30 minutes ago.

We can try that.

Big Butt Mining?

Big Butt Mining

In Richlands, Virginia

You know the great thing is

The city is mudlick

Apparently

Mining and mudlick

Zolar man you do that one

My cell phone is ringing

Zolar do that one

I'm here I'm ready

I found a fucking new car

You have 497 minutes

They'll save us.

Bigfoot mining, Zola.

Okie doke.

Where are they located?

Virginia.

New Jersey.

No, Virginia.

It's the Kelly's residence.

Please leave your name and number.

Sigh.

This sucks.

Okay.

What else do we have?

Nothing's working at all.

This is great.

No, none of the numbers are working or anything.

Okay, I got one from the warrior.

He said it's confirmed.

I don't know.

I've never used his number before.

The ultimate warrior.

It's in Gizmo.

Okay, Danielle, an ex-girlfriend in Colorado?

That's the one, yeah.

So I hope it's a good one.

I hope so.

We need to do a prank at least.

We've had one good prank and nothing else except for failure.

Anybody want to take that one?

I don't mind doing it.

AMD's going to call Danielle, the ex-girlfriend of Colorado.

Okay, let's try it.

Hang on, everybody.

Thank you.

I got speakers, got a jack for some

But we packin' somethin' that we have for um

We have a locked up and then I'm grippin'

Music hittin' slow

I'm a twin-stickin' like hit this dope

And it's windows down, gotta stop pollution

City change, like who is that producin'?

That's the best skills when we out and cruisin'

Got warrants in every city except Houston

But I still ain't losin'

They see me, they see me, they see me

I'm a twin-stickin' like hit this dope

Darling, please enter your destination number now.

Balance will allow you to talk for

4, 9, hours, 10, minutes, 30, 6, seconds.

Actual minutes may vary per the terms printed on your card or posters.

When did she start doing that?

AMD, this is Danielle, Colorado.

Okay, I'm ready, it's okay.

Is that you, Danielle?

Hello, I gave you a number the other day.

You asked me to give you a ring.

It's me, my name's Eric.

I'm, you know, from the UK, remember?

We was having a drink in the bar the other day.

And you asked me to give you a call.

You know, like I say, we met you in a club.

And you were quite drunk at the time.

That's why, you know, I thought I'd give you a ring back now.

And he was really horny.

You know, you okay there?

Do you remember me?

Eric?

Danielle?

Yeah.

Yeah?

And you wanted to get with me.

You remember that?

The other day?

I think it was about last week sometime.

You okay there?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's all right then.

You do remember me, don't you?

Eric?

You're so dumb, Danielle.

Exactly, Danielle.

Danielle, you know, they're the English guy.

Yeah.

So what have you been doing then, anyway?

I don't know.

Who have you met, too?

Have you been okay?

Danielle's fine.

She's over here right now.

We're cool.

Oh, that's all right.

Who the hell is this?

Hey, what are you doing tonight, Danielle?

Yeah, what are you doing tonight, Danielle?

Who the hell is this?

Oh, Scott was.

Hey, Scott, why don't you say something to Danielle real quick?

Who's Scott?

Yeah, exactly.

I got my mates down here.

So, you know, we're all ringing up to see how you're doing.

You know, because I'll tell you what, the other night, you know, you read it to me.

to me and you know i just you know like i said i want to give you a ring and see what you're

doing tonight because you can come down here and we're gonna get drunk i'll tell you yeah

you're for that or what danielle right randy yeah it's me how you doing danielle who's me

amigo you should be that night do you remember yeah danielle how much did you have to drink

you know you you kind of be that drunk yeah okay now come on get your head get your head out of

your ass exactly yeah see do something funny or something come on danielle who is this whatever

Whatever. This is whoever I say it is. If I want to say my name is Scott, my name is Scott. I can turn into a Jamaican man.

Who is this? This shit ain't fucking funny. Who is this?

I mean, it's hilarious to me.

Yeah, and I'm Eric. Danielle, I can't believe you cannot remember who I am, because it's really bad.

You said you'd come down to my place, my apartment I've got in America, and, you know, you said that you want to come down and have sex.

You know, so I'm ringing you up now, and you can't even remember our names, so that's not very nice, is it?

Dave.

I told you I'm Eric. You know, he's drunk right now.

Because, you know, you stand there, because you can't remember my name.

You know, it's me, Eric. Eric Johnson. Do you remember me?

No, I don't.

The blonde hair, the big ears, and the moustache.

I don't.

And you crack the joke about the, you know, the clit tickler.

You know, what am I supposed to do?

Who the fuck are you? How do you know me?

Hey, come on now. You really upset me now.

So, you know, do you want to meet me or what?

Because, you know, like you said, you planned for a good night of, you know, some rumpy-pumpy.

How do you know me?

Like I said to you, what do you mean how I don't know you?

Because you give me your number.

I'm just ringing you now because I really want you to come down, you know.

And it is Danny Allen, isn't it?

You're not one of her friends, like, you know, pretend to be somebody else, is it?

Who the fuck is this?

This shit ain't cool.

I told you.

Have you been taking any drugs tonight?

Because you sound like it.

Because you keep asking

My name

I told you

My name is Eric Johnson

And I'm from the UK

And I come down

To the US

And I met you

And you wanted

You what?

How the fuck do you know me?

I told you

You give me your number

And you said to call you

Because you was horny

And you wanted some

Inaction

And I'm ringing you now

Like see if you want to come out

For a cup of

Cup of beers

You know

And well

You know have some sex

So you know

what can I say, you know, come on, Danielle, you please, you wasn't that drunk, was you,

because, you know, it's a little bit upsetting for me, because, you know, you was a very

good looking bitch, you know, and I'm ringing you now, and you don't want to know me, that's

not very nice, so, Danielle, what drugs have you taken tonight, please tell me, because

I'm really worried about you now, Danielle, what have you taken tonight, you haven't taken

any drugs with you or have you drunk because you can't remember me at all and it's really

upsetting.

Now please.

Okay, I don't remember you because I've never met you.

You have met me.

I have not.

And you've met me in the club.

In the club?

You told me you loved me.

What club?

I've never been to a club.

What club?

The club by you and you told me you, you told me I loved you and you loved me and I told

you I'd love you too.

And you cannot remember my name.

You know, you just really hurt me.

Please, meet me now for a drink.

Who's that?

I'm the father.

My mates were there.

Father who?

Would you like...

Father...

My name is Father McWhorters.

Exactly.

He was there with us.

Do you remember that, Robbie?

I'm here to do the wedding.

What wedding?

The wedding for you and my friend, Eric Johnson.

Brother Johnson.

It's been arranged.

It's been arranged?

Yes.

How do you know?

What the fuck?

When did you know?

The best man is on the phone somewhere else, too.

We're doing a wedding by conference call. I'm the priest, my name is Father McCorders, and Eric Johnson has won the Who Wants to Marry an American game show, and he's here to marry you.

We're going to do it all over the phone, all legit.

Exactly.

Yes.

What?

Yeah.

What the fuck?

I'm getting pumped, ain't I?

No, no.

That's the culture.

Danielle, I can't believe that you've just shown me up in front of my friends, because you said you loved me, and you really was all over the place.

I said, I'll tell you what, Danielle, let me give you a ring, and we'll go and have sex.

Ma'am, real quickly, what you need to understand is that if you don't agree to marry him,

his family will not be released out of captivity.

That's the game show.

He won freedom for his, American freedom for his family,

but only if he can have an American woman marry him over the phone with me, the priest.

I'm the host of the show.

My name is Father Reporter.

So I'm not a real priest, but I play law on TV.

And, yeah, so there it is.

So do you want do you want us to tell this fine British man that he won't be able to become an American?

Because he can't marry you and in this and thus his family will not be released from captivity

Like I think Danielle it would mean a lot to me if I could just not be an illegal immigrant in America because I really do

Danny Danny how please I promise you

You know I know you because I have met you in a pub and like I said

I really need to get into the UK and the US, and you won't let me do it.

You're my only hope.

My friends are here now, but, you know, like I said, I need to marry an American woman,

and I promise you I will make sure every single night that you will not be disappointed, that's for sure.

So what do you say then, Danielle?

Okay.

You'll do it, yes?

Yes.

God for that.

Danielle, you know, you are a star.

I tell you, I promise you, and, you know, if you don't like walking straight,

I promise you you'll be walking for any for a couple of weeks

Or maybe every day because I promise you this is like a city

I'll do it in return for you because I need to get to the u.s. Do you understand that Danny Danny?

Yes

Do you?

Danielle take this man to be your lovely wedded husband

Yeah, do you want to do this over over the phone?

Oh, it's a conference call. If she declines, if she doesn't go through with it, then, sir, your family's not going to be released.

No, I've got all my confidence in Danielle because I know she'll marry me over the phone, okay?

Danielle, please.

We just need you to say, I do, Danielle. Just say, I do.

I do.

All right, great. And, uh, Mr. Johnson, do you take Danielle to be your wife?

I sure do.

All right, if anybody has any reason to object, now would be the time.

Oh, I do.

Who do we have on the line?

I'm sorry, what are you trying to accuse her of?

Go ahead.

He's lying.

He's got a big one.

Hold on.

This is my wedding now.

You're-

You've got a big hairy vagina.

Oh, she's got a big hairy vagina.

She does.

She's got a big cock.

Oh, a big cock.

Yeah, she's got a big cock.

So she's a man.

She's a he.

Danielle, do you have a penis?

No.

Yeah, you do.

Uh, I don't know.

This is my wedding.

The deal is off, sir.

Thank you for trying.

You're my wife now, Danielle.

The deal is off.

You can consider your five-year-old son dead.

That's it.

It's over.

The deal's off.

You can't marry another man in America.

Danielle, he's talking crap.

This is America, buddy.

Yeah, so I'm now in American City.

No, you're not.

No, I didn't finish the service.

Gay marriage isn't legal.

No, it's not.

Well, Danielle, where can I move my stuff in?

Have you got a big enough house?

There's a big enough vagina for you to put it all in if you want.

I bet her house is pretty loose.

Hey, she's my wife now, so I need to know these things. So Danielle, how big is your house?

Daniel, we've been on the line.

Uh, yeah.

Right, that's good.

I don't know what I'm gonna be able to do.

We must get on with the wedding now, mate.

She's like the Wendy of PC.

They're cutting me out of the house right now. I thought I could go to school tomorrow because I'm very fat.

Where are we?

I'm really fat.

Do you even know how old I am?

You are old enough to pee.

Old enough to pee.

These are the witnesses, these guys here.

They've all witnessed the marriage.

So I just want to know now, Daniel, when I can come back.

Hey, time out.

It's over, it's over, we disconnected it.

We got rid of her finally.

Yeah, it went on for too long.

Mercy kill.

Yeah, but it was another...

Mercy kill?

Yeah, mercy kill for Amity.

She's too done. That's one of the people who are too done to pray.

She's waiting for her damn flowers now. Darn. She's going to be upset.

What? Okay. Who are you? Wait a minute. Who are you?

Wait a minute. She got fucked and she didn't even get a damn kiss now. What's wrong with this?

Oh, sorry Amy. Sold you short. No, I don't have a penis.

Alright, so who do we have on the line still? Who's still on with us in the conference?

Is everybody leaving? Zolar is still here.

Alright, Zolar.

AMD is still here.

Just married as well.

Right.

Congratulations.

Great Scott, are you still with us?

Great Scott.

I think Great Scott dropped off, didn't he?

Yeah.

Probably.

We forgot about him, too.

We were going to have to do a call, and I totally passed over.

I feel bad about that, but in the future, perhaps.

Well, he handed off to Zolar, and then ended up with AMD.

So I guess Zolar is up for a record one.

I would rather see you hand it to a nigga.

Well, great.

Great.

How about Zolar?

Kolar, how about you show us your talents?

Kolar is ready to screw somebody up, I can tell.

I can hear it.

He's got it in his mouth.

Family's by and ready for action, sir.

Yeah, very good voice, very good.

Crazy 8-Ball Saloon in San Antonio, Texas,

just confirmed about five minutes ago by a lonesome loser.

I also have in Colorado a Clifford Raw, an old foreign-sounding guy,

confirmed about two hours ago, however.

And Billy Crystal, an old woman, answered also earlier.

And we have a Bobby and Robin Williams.

Pick one out at random.

All right.

We're going to put you into the Crazy 8-Ball Saloon, okay?

Because that was just confirmed about five minutes ago, so that should still be good.

And it's where?

It's in San Antonio, Texas.

Crazy 8-Ball.

Exactly.

The Crazy 8-Ball Saloon.

All right.

Well, folks, stay on the line.

We're moving on with the show.

It's now 1103.

We'll be right back with Zolar calling the Crazy 8-Ball Saloon on the matter.

You

have four dollars for this balance.

We'll allow you to talk for eight hours, six minutes, 47 seconds.

Actual minutes may vary for the terms printed on your target book.

Yeah, whatever.

Sorry, there's Zolar.

Hey, hey, may I help you?

Hello?

Crazy Magic 8-Ball?

Yes, is this the Crazy 8-Ball Saloon?

That didn't work.

That was a honky-tonk, man.

Yeah, that didn't work.

There was a lot of noise in there.

Maybe they couldn't hear me personally.

Yeah, I think the other way I have it.

Zola, you tell me real quick.

How do you got that set up, man?

As far as what?

As far as you can connect your cell phone to the computer.

Like if someone calls you on Gizmo, they hear through the cell phone.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I told you.

I bought that piece in Radio Shack, believe it or not.

It was under $20.

It goes right into the PC and the cell phone.

And, of course, then the headphone that would normally go into the cell phone

Goes into the device you bought from Radio Shack

I'll give you the model number

Yeah, give me the model number

I'll pick that up tomorrow

If it's under 20 bucks

I might be able to afford that for

Yeah, it's unbelievably fucking simplistic

And it takes a double A battery

Bing, bang, boom

You got it

Beautiful

Alright, yeah

I'll ask you tomorrow or something like that

We'll have to work on that

Does it vibrate?

Does it vibrate Zolar also?

No, but I bought one of those beds

That you put a quarter in

And that's really cool

Oh, that's sick

You bought one of those vibrating beds

That is the most piece of shit rip-off in the world

with that fucking vibrating bed.

You ever seen the mall now?

They got those vibrating couches now.

I know a guy named Magic Fingers Zolar,

but he lives in New Jersey

and he likes little girls.

Yeah, exactly.

Right.

Zolar, what are your thoughts

on what Prankmaster did to Milkman here?

What did he do to Milkman?

What did he do?

He made Milkman's girlfriend.

We're assuming it's a girlfriend, right?

He had a girlfriend, right?

Milkman had a boyfriend?

Yeah, I guess so.

Okay, well, Prankmaster,

We won't get too into it because it's very fragile territory, but Prankmaster ruined his relationship, Milkman's relationship with his girlfriend, I believe.

I believe that's what happened.

Do you think that's something that he was just stupid and accidental in him?

Do you think he went out intentionally to hurt Milkman to break up his relationship?

In all actuality, I would have to say that Milkman's relationship with his girlfriend

must have been volatile to begin with in order for a fucking imbecile like Prankmaster

to have any validity in having the breakup happen.

Imbecile.

You okay with that, Milkman?

Is that fair enough?

I'm all right, man.

It's all right.

I think it's an accurate depiction.

It is an accurate depiction.

You know, and, you know, that weasel would not have been able to get in the hen house

if there wasn't somebody to let him in.

So it wasn't me.

Okay.

All right.

Well, what does that mean?

I don't know.

When he says stuff like that, like, yeah.

The weasel could have gotten in the hen house.

The weasels go in the hen house and steal the egg, okay, in the country, man.

So you lock the hen house and they steal all your damn eggs.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Who let the weasel in the hen house then if it wasn't you?

That's what I'm saying, man.

You don't know.

All right, listen, I don't even know what the circumstances were.

I missed the whole fucking story.

How many eggs were eaten by the weasel?

Hey, listen, okay, I'll just give it to you quick, all right?

Zolars, he started in with the whole pedo thing, and he got Ellie's sympathy, okay?

And got her feeling sorry for him and defending him in the chat.

And I said, I don't really want to talk about it anymore because, you know, we were not agreeing on PM.

I think I you know how I feel about p.m. You know I did try to help it the idiot

You did too. So are we all have but refuse to listen who are wishing to nobody so I told Ellie

I don't want to talk about it, and then that was it now

Everybody hates me over there. Yeah, fuck it. LMPM

Yeah, whoever that we're against now fuck them. Yeah, exactly

like you know

Miltman, were you beating it up?

Were you peeling it back, Miltman?

No, he wasn't.

It was as long as it took.

Oh, well, it gives a fuck, man.

I tried my best.

Who cares?

I tried my best, but, you know, I mean, you know.

Miltman.

The little weasel got in there for me, man.

You know, Miltman told me that, um, do you think that, um, Prankmaster peeled it back?

Is that what you're saying?

Well, here's the thing, man, okay?

No way.

I'm not qualified, okay?

Wow, he went there.

I'm not qualified.

I don't have any any pedo master qualifications. I could piss on his foot, but that's about the only thing I could really do

So I'm really I'm out of my league now. Okay. Well milkman. Listen, you know, you're coming to the UK and I promise you

When would you do come down? We're gonna have

Sex

sex

No, Matt, when you come to the UK, bring a little chop chop.

Yeah, I'm not Scottish.

So whoever goes where...

The women here...

Just, just...

No, the women here is the best, mate.

The women is all of the UK.

Those British women are bland.

Yeah, I think they're kind of ugly or whatever.

I see pictures.

I'd punch a British woman in the face.

Yeah.

I would punch a British woman in the face.

I'm telling you, man.

AMD has live, man.

Live honeys.

He don't play around, man.

Fucking UK is hot, bitch.

Abbage, hot bitches, cabbages.

No, you kidding me.

Cabbage, you're hot. You got good cabbages.

Abbage, fuck cabbages.

Well, we have a guest caller. Guess who it is, guys. Don't worry, I'll let you guess this one.

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

DaDad, you're on the line. Go ahead.

It's not DaDad.

Hey, DaDad, how you doing, man? What's up?

It's not DaDad.

Hey, DaDad on the line.

What's up, pedophile? How you doing?

What's up, DaDad?

It's not DaDad.

Hey, Fatty, shut your fucking mouth.

What do you want, uh, uh, prank master? Make this the last call, please, okay?

Hurry up.

Yeah.

Okay.

What do you need? Get it out.

The last thing I'll say is, uh, I had nothing to do.

Shit. This is so Bill Clinton 98.

I did not know that.

Are you the Loch Ness Monster from the blue raft?

And secondly, I'm tired of this bullshit lie.

I had nothing to do with William Milgram.

Hey, go kill yourself!

Go kill yourself!

Right now, you fucking faggot!

Honestly, Prank...

Prankmaster, would you like to die for us right now?

You're a faggot, man. You're the one that's always stoned 24-7.

Hey, I do that, too.

Treat your wife like shit. Treat everybody else like shit.

Maybe you're the one that's shit.

Alright?

I put my foreskin back.

Is that it? Are you done?

The more you know.

Yeah, I am done.

The more you know.

Frank, master, Adam, this is the last time you're calling because it's run as course, okay?

Fine, I don't care.

I'm not saying because I'm defending my lot against your idiotic fake lot.

Okay, look, I've always been neutral, and I let the other people report what's going on.

No, I don't think you have been neutral.

I think you've always been against it.

Baby fucker.

Look, look, dude, whatever it is, I'm bored with the topic.

You need to move on with your life.

You might not want to hear it, but the only thing I'm saying is to move on with your life.

Are you still there?

I'm giving him advice as they yell shit at him in the background.

This is great.

What's up, Goatman?

Goatman's having a dream.

What's up?

Goatman, wake up, Goatman.

I hate coming out of here, man.

Goatman's just angry.

Yeah, let it out.

No, I didn't do it.

Wait, I fucked Wabi-Daga, we boys!

Miltman!

Oh no!

No remorse.

Miltman!

I heard he hasn't washed his fingers since he fucking fingered that nine-year-old.

He hasn't washed his hands and he can smell his fingers in the sink.

Yeah, he's probably got black fucking fingernails and everything.

Yeah, that's a huge insult in the UK if you have black fingernails.

It is. Pragmatically, you got insulted by the UK.

That means that you've been fingering a black girl. That's a very big insult in the UK.

Pick the toilet paper out of your nasty pee.

Mudfinger.

You got the dumb Mudfinger.

Anyway.

He sure has.

All right.

Zola, what were you saying now?

Are you done?

That's absolutely the last time that I want to associate Prankmaster with the show.

He cannot call in.

Prankmaster Adam.

Well, actually, he needed to shave his teeth.

He needs to shave his teeth.

I also wanted to add that.

Yeah, go ahead, Zola.

I also wanted to add that, unlike Carlito, I feel that Prankmaster will be an endless

source of material for years to come.

Me too.

No, that's you?

Yeah, I mean, you can run with that, but I'm just annoyed by the guy.

All he does is bring problems.

I think, you know, and out of respect to Milkman and just out of annoyance,

and I'm tired of him.

He sells guns to kids.

He sells guns to kids, too.

Yes, Reckless.

Let me say a few words, bro.

Reckless, you've been very vocal since the beginning on Prankmaster.

Yeah, I just want to say, right there,

Why don't you fuckin' kill yourself, you baby fucker?

Okay, that's Recklood's opinion, and he's talking to Recklood's very wanky, real prankmaster opinion.

The thoughts of Recklood are not those of the Madhouse or PCU Radio.

Recklood, do you have your buddy, Pwanky, with you?

Recklood, is your buddy, Pwanky, with you? Will he come on and make a few comments?

You gotta hate that.

Hey, he's calling back, guys.

We got prankmaster calling back. Let's finish him off.

Oh, please, please.

Now, let Carlito talk, though.

Your hearing aid's down, idiot.

Turn your hearing aid down.

That's perfect.

Is he on?

How many gold?

We're going to have to have...

Well, I'm sorry, I lost it.

I flipped that one.

Let's move on.

No.

Caller, call back in.

Hang on, let me try to fix it before he calls in.

Hey, explain...

Here he is.

Go ahead.

Don't take any more calls.

He's just going to hang up.

Let's move to a call here, man.

I sent you some numbers.

They're confirmed.

Another good one.

They'll come in from the lawyer.

Yeah.

A lawyer?

Okay, you sent me one.

Jennifer?

Major church girl in Colorado is confirmed.

Who's going to take that one?

What's a major church girl?

Part of you to assign that one.

I'm regular.

It's your turn if you want to try it.

Yeah, I've got to do this, and then I've got to bounce the fuck out of here.

But, yeah, we'll do it.

All right, well, thank you.

Yeah, good thing.

Jennifer, a.k.a. Jen Mayer, a church girl in Colorado who is confirmed.

I think that means major church girl.

Like, she's majorly into church.

Oh, okay, Jen.

She's a major church girl.

Okay, not Jen Mayer.

Who's going to be Bruno or WC or what character?

Yeah, who are you hitting us with?

It's going to be Southern Preacher.

Southern Preacher.

All right.

Excellent.

Okay, well, we'll be right back with that, everybody.

Here comes Reclude.

With the next call, we'll be right back after this.

Blah, blah, blah.

Thank you, brothers.

Yes, sir.

That music is the devil's music.

What kind of hideous, heathen music of the plain?

Do you want God to kill you?

Before he sins.

Jesus goes, we'll be there right now.

Your current balance will allow you to talk for 8 hours, 4 minutes, 30, 5 seconds.

Actual minutes may vary for the terms handed on your part of hosting.

Jackie, go listen, listen.

Speak up, too. Here.

Hello, Jennifer.

Hello.

Jennifer, speak to me.

Who is this?

This is Pastor Roberts.

Pastor Roberts, I have a mission for you.

Yes, hello.

Yes, you have spoken to me on this day.

I'm getting voices off the phone.

I don't know what's happening, Mike.

Hello there.

I've got a pastor who wants to talk to you.

God bless you.

Pastor Feathers wants to talk to you.

Who is this?

I'm the guy from the church.

What church?

The Church of Jesus Christ, Seventh-day Baptist Gospel Church.

Joe?

No, no, this is not Joe.

I'm Father McCorders, and I have someone who needs to speak to you live from the church.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Okay.

Now bring yourself down.

you're too close to the phone there um pastor oh yes there hello down some more you're better

there okay go ahead uh speak to her well i want to speak to you lady we got a message from god

have you heard the good news you are going to go on a mission south africa are you ready are

you ready to walk in the footsteps hello please speak us speaketh amen speaketh thy servant what

What is going on?

Um, basically, God has sent me a message saying that you are going to go to South Africa and rescue David Chappelle.

It is a holy mission.

Ready, the church will pay for your travels.

Yes, I am ready.

Okay, are you ready to go tomorrow?

Yes, I'm ready to go tomorrow.

Okay, uh, do you have your suitcase packed with thine clothes?

Sure do, packed last night.

Okay, well, listen, you're going to have to break a couple commandments on the way there on the flight.

and what's that okay well basically you're going to have to give me uh an oral receipt this is

pastor robertson i can tell thy fire in thy womb has hath healed what is going on well listen you're

being called on a holy mission now that's all you need to know i'm gonna go rescue david

hello hello hello yeah are you still on the phone i have the ambassador from south south africa on

the line right now go ahead ambassador oh hello there um um yes we're talking to somebody here

um are you there maybe okay listen what we're going to do um you spoke to one of my pastors

here um what we're looking to do is actually you know bring you over to africa to do some

missionary work you know would you be up to that you've been selected from a lot of people

We lost her.

God.

Nobody really likes to bruise her.

Bring her back so I can get her back to Africa.

Alright y'all.

I'm out, man. I gotta go fucking work.

Reklu, Reklu, thank you very much for joining us.

Uh-oh, Prankmaster's calling again.

Is that Prankmaster? Yeah.

Prankmaster again. Oh, Jesus.

Final call.

Put him on. I'll answer for you.

You're in the madhouse.

Hey, thank you for fucking me over, man.

Look, we already talked about this. I'm sorry.

It's not prankmasters.

It's fucking prankmasters.

What the fuck you want tonight? Cocaine or some shit?

What's the matter? Are you upset at me?

You comparing me to a fucking child molester?

I made a mistake at the beginning of the show.

I called you prankmasters on accident and they ran with it.

I'm sorry.

No, you didn't make him a secret.

Of course I did.

I would never do that to you.

Frank, Frank, the dad called right now, and you're like, the dad, the dad, do you?

I didn't say the dad.

Tell me who I fucking said it to my dad, sir.

I didn't fucking talk to him on the phone.

The dad, you hate me, you're mad at me.

Seriously.

What?

No, you're mad at me.

I made a mistake, and I ran with it.

The guy thought it was funny.

I'm sorry I acted wrong.

It was peer pressure, and I'm sorry.

Dude, I like to fucking say to you...

Then what's the matter?

Why are you calling and saying that I fucked you over, man?

You had me thinking you were upset.

I know, but, you know, you fucking compared to me, too.

I'm not in the list.

You need a hand release.

Yeah, I think, yeah, Recklood would like to offer you a hand release.

Recklood is worth fucking doing what he...

Okay, well, Recklood does what he does.

You know he always goes too far.

Recklood goes too far sometimes, but it's funny.

It's all in good fun.

It's all in good fun when Reckley does that.

All right, so he didn't mean anything by that.

Milkman, you're ignoring me now.

Oh, I'm sorry.

He hates you.

Oh, I'm not ignoring you, D.D.

I'm just letting you talk.

Milkman's ignoring me.

What do you think about Andy?

I fucking got headphones now.

You do?

Yeah.

Then why were you talking in the middle of everybody?

You were totally throwing the show off, and you offended Great Scott.

He said he'll never come on the Madhouse again.

He told me privately in the chatroom.

What?

Yeah, he said I'm offended that someone was talking over me, he got upset, and I tried to calm him down.

Yeah, when I took that break, he got mad at me. He was yelling me on the phone.

Who, me?

No, I don't know. I think, I don't know. He was just upset, I guess.

Dude, that was Saigon, man.

Oh, it was Saigon. Okay.

It was Saigon on the phone.

That was Saigon.

Okay.

Saigon wasn't on the phone.

Don't fucking listen to what Saigon said.

Okay. All right. It was Saigon.

He fucks everyone over.

He is an asshole. He's been banned so many times from the chatroom, too.

That's why Saigon. That's why nobody else.

Okay.

Don't let him use your phone again, Danny.

Yeah, don't let Saigon use your phone anymore, ever.

What is that, his brother or something?

Yes, it is. That's...

Oh, what's that? Are you recording this call today? Are you tracing me?

No.

What was that noise?

I don't know what it...

That's the FBI signal.

I think, are you wearing like a wire or something?

Every time I call you, I get this fucking noise.

That means that, I think you have a trace on your phone, dude.

I don't think it's the dead.

DTT.

Yeah, DTT is now after.

After the dead.

He's a serial loser killer.

Exactly.

He's trying to take that piece of you from the outside in.

Yeah.

He got rid of DTT and the dead, I think you're next.

The next one is wrapped.

Yeah, this is like that movie The Ring.

So after Zidane, after Zidane, I'd be like, no, man.

How is it with your fucking conspiracy?

Yeah, people are looking at the picture.

There it is again.

Something unsealable.

I think Officer Zolar should handle this case, man.

You've got a problem, man.

Well, he's got a possible turn on everybody's attention.

Please, if you could please let me know what was your time and whereabouts on the day of.

I know it's not on my fucking hand.

Probably on your fucking hand.

Yeah.

All right, Zidane.

Do you want to do a call, man?

I will do a call back to my cell phone, guessing if there's good signal reception.

I got more calls coming in, dude.

Okay.

Do I have to do a fucking call to Gizmo?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Fucking give me the number or something.

You want me to give you a number?

Oh, you wanted me to...

The number.

Okay, so you're going to behave, though, right?

You're not going to be talking all crazy and everything.

No, man.

I don't want to be.

Look, if we have to regroup because of you, I'm not going to be very happy now.

And fucking other dude, when you make a fucking call, do it and shut up. Yes, I do.

Okay.

Do I?

Alright. Well, there you go. I'm trusting you.

Drink, man.

We're gonna hang on in and see how it goes. You're on probation.

I'm on probation.

What the fuck did I do on a single show?

I'm just kidding with you. Just relax. Get in the conference room. We can join the guys, alright?

Okay.

Alright, we'll see you there. Alright, bye.

Message me.

What's that all about, Oakman? What, you want me to message you? You got a problem?

No, I know what the hell's going on here.

That wasn't even the dead.

That is Saigon, and he's an imposter,

and I know that he's the one that ran off DTT as well.

I'm just really tired of this shit.

There's so much drama here.

Yeah, I'm confused.

Where is DTT anyway, damn it?

I think it's a big plot,

and I think Officer Zolar should frisk this freak here

and find out what's going on.

Yeah, I'm going to need a good fight.

You're on.

Yeah.

Yeah, you've still got the echo.

Yeah, it's not going to work.

I still have a fucking echo?

Yes.

Oh, Jesus.

Where's your headphone?

Yeah, what happened to your headphone?

Do you have them on?

Okay, he ain't putting his headphones on.

He's bullshitting me.

He left.

Some of his echo's still on.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, let's move on.

That's enough.

We talked to Prankmaster, and then we talked to the dead.

Yeah.

Here's Mike in Oregon.

In Oregon?

Because you said Oregon.

I was like, which Oregon?

I'm just giving you these numbers from the good numbers coming from the warrior tonight.

AMD, what's your favorite body organ?

Sorry, what was that?

What's your favorite body organ?

Well, on my body, it must be my gut.

That's not an organ, though.

Why am I hearing echo, echo, echo?

My favorite organ is my dick, but DD.

Master, I just want to say I love nine-year-olds.

This is Prankmaster. We're talking to you again.

Prankmaster.

Okay, thank you. He always gets gets away with this

Shut up

One nine-year-old girl behind my back one behind your back

Yeah, well one nine-year-old and a blue rat one five everyone for each finger. Yeah, including a thumb

I I could stick words on one thing one hand. Yeah

Go bowling. What's up this key? What's up Keith? How you doing? K-bone man? All right

How you doing?

I'm not, I don't know.

Our show's been kinda tankin' tonight, man.

I had a really...

Yeah, but it's alright, man.

It's alright.

Did you look at the numbers that I sent you?

Uh, yeah.

I've got them here saved.

Do you wanna do one of them?

Do you wanna call one of them, rather?

Uh, phone call?

Yeah, yeah.

I can...

All connected.

Yeah.

No, all connected, but, um...

Which one?

You got Elan's of Connecticut, I think you put in here?

Yeah, Elan's.

That's, uh...

That's a strip club.

Yeah.

We got Flash Dancers, also.

Yeah, yeah.

That's another strip club.

and I got some AIDs people.

Chris Aids.

That's nice.

The dad's still in here.

The dad's still in here?

We'll have to regroup then.

Hang on, you guys just...

Milkman, set up another conference

and then we'll fix it up.

Yeah, we're going to do a sound test with the dad

before we continue with him on Gizmo.

Yeah, we can't do it.

Not tonight.

Next week, dad, if you're listening, we're sorry.

Some other time.

Yeah, we'll get you next week.

Don't worry about it.

All right, we'll regroup.

Solar, regroup with us.

We have another sound card.

and replace my sound card, and I can get on in there, too.

We're kind of just testing it out right now, but we'll continue on later.

We'll work it so we can do these little co-hosting things in the future.

Well, my sound card should know when I need it.

Gotcha. Yeah, it's always nice to upgrade your sound card.

Okay, you want to do that Flash Dancers?

Yeah, sure.

That's a strip club, right, I'm assuming?

Yeah, I'm assuming. All I know is when I call, it's Flash Dancers.

All right, good. Well, here we go.

We'll grab back everybody. Keith, a.k.a. K-Bone, will be hooking us up with a call.

We'll be right back in a moment.

You and me, actually, for now.

In a second, but yeah.

Just you and me for right now.

Hang on, everybody.

We'll be right back.

Arrest and arrest us

Saying we eat pizza like you for breakfast

Y'all eat pizza

21-10

Please enter your destination number now

Are you there, Keith?

You there?

Yes

4

Guys, show me the way

Because the devil's trying to break me down

The alarm is at 4

10

Hour

40

3

Minute

41

Deccan

Actual medicine varies with the terms and conditions on your part of the person.

Black

dancer?

Yeah, hi.

Life dancer, right?

That's correct.

Your current balance will allow you to talk for 7 hours 30 seconds.

Actual minutes may vary for the terms printed on your card or posters.

Okay, what was that?

You want to start up and I'll...

Dude, Ellen's is...

Okay, this is true.

Elan's.

Yeah, is this Ellen's?

I'm sorry?

Is this Ellen's?

One more time.

I'm looking for Ellen's.

Ellen's.

Elan's.

Elan's, right?

You got this?

Oh, this is Ellen's.

E-L-A-N-S.

No, it's not.

What is this?

Elan's.

Elan's?

We were supposed to...

I was just...

So, yes, and I was going to say...

I was going to...

Like, Ellen's was like a different kind of business.

and they get confused when they found out it was a stripper club.

But that didn't work.

Sorry, I didn't know where you were going.

No, no, it's fine.

Sorry to fuck you all up there.

No, no, it was my fault.

It wasn't working.

He didn't take the bait, unfortunately.

Do you want to try one more?

No, I'm out.

All right.

Well, hey, Keith, thanks for calling.

When's your next show going to be?

Sunday.

Sunday at 7?

Yeah, Sunday at 7.

7?

All right, good.

Looking forward to it.

I'll catch that.

All right, buddy, you have a good night.

Peace.

You too.

Bye.

That was K-Bone Keith.

Keith, Keith Cabone, the host of Cabone's Crazy Talk, Sunday nights at 7.

That was that.

Let me try to get back on the phone with these fine people.

Hello.

Welcome back.

Hey, good.

Good to be back.

Me and AMD.

You and AMD.

Hello there.

Hey, AMD, how's it going?

I'm back, yeah.

Great.

What's up, man?

How are you doing?

Not bad, not bad.

All right, we have less people on the line now, but we'll keep going.

I guess we've lost, yeah, we've lost it down.

We're down to the last three here in the party room.

It's getting late.

I guess either Zolar couldn't continue or whatnot.

All right, let me see here and clear out some stuff.

Gotcha.

Okay, so you've got a mic in Oregon.

Do we have any story behind that?

It's coming from the Warrior.

The Warrior hasn't sent any follow-up information.

Okay, but we had fun with Jennifer.

We had fun with Danielle, apparently.

We've had all his calls so far have been ringers.

He's had all these crazy calls, so I guarantee it'll be a funny call.

Okay, true enough.

Alright, we also have Lonesome Loser has sent in Cyber Dorks in Hawaii, which is a computer repair.

We also have a Samantha Ponia Myrthala.

Is Galaxy down?

Is Galaxy down? No, it should not be.

I have three listeners on there.

We should be okay on Galaxy.

Should be no problems on Galaxy, sir.

Okay.

What else do we have?

We have Funky Door, Yoga, Berkeley, Closed Store, the hell, and Berkeley, California.

God, that's a fucked up place, isn't it?

What, Berkeley?

Yeah, I think so.

Isn't that where the term 420 came from or something?

No.

Does anybody know where it came from?

The term 420?

Yeah, for marijuana.

That's the possession of marijuana.

It was the old code for possession of marijuana?

I think so, it is.

I don't know.

I've heard like five different explanations.

Good for my glaucoma.

Yeah.

Hello.

That's great.

I'm going to give a try to Samanth Punyamurthala because it's been a while since I called an individual.

We're going to go ahead and give it a shot.

Okay.

Okay?

Great.

I'm glad you agree.

All right, we'll be right back after this, folks.

Enter your destination.

We'll allow you to talk for 7 hours, 21 minutes, 41 seconds.

Actual minutes may vary per the terms printed on your card or poster.

Shut up.

I don't know.

And we need to find out who the woman is that recorded that message.

Because she's like the second most heard person on the show.

Yeah, that'd be nice.

Hello?

Hello, may I speak to Ms. Poonchia, ma'am?

Hello, ma'am? Punya Murthala? How are you doing?

Good. I'm calling from the Homeowners Association.

I'm not interested. Please do not call again.

No, but you're already a member. It's a problem. You haven't paid your dues since you moved in.

What?

You haven't paid your dues since you moved in. We're going to have to start fining you for your car that you have.

Where? Where? Where did I move?

We're the Shadywood Homeowners Association.

Yes, but we have already paid all. Every year we've been paying.

Your grass is too high.

what your grass is way too high so and well it's too high you have to cut it

we're going to charge you $1,500 per 12 12 hours that it's too high over three

inches okay we will cut it well you already you already have five days worth

ma'am we will cut it we never got any any letter or anything like that so I

would appreciate if somebody gives us like it sends a letter well we've been

sending a letter to your address, the 9624, and it keeps getting returned.

Yeah, because that's not our address.

Yeah, well, that's where we're sending it.

It says right here, 9624.

Sorry, that's not the house number.

Well, we've been sending it.

We never got any notice.

I have your signature here.

No, we will talk to the committee here.

I'm the committee.

We're in the committee now.

You're on conference call.

Hello?

You're on conference call with the committee now, ma'am.

We're all here.

Who am I speaking to?

My name is Bruce Valente, and I'm the president of the Homeowners Association.

And I'm Eric Johnson. I'm the actual president head of the association as well.

This is Eric Johnson, the attorney. Eric, go ahead. I'm sorry, can you say that again, please, sir?

Sorry, it's Eric Johnson. I'm the actual head president here.

We're discussing your case and everybody else here.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

You can't? All right. Mr. Johnson, one more time. I'm sorry.

Yes, my name is Eric Johnson. I'm the head person here.

No, I can't hear you. Do you live in this area?

Yes, ma'am. We all live in the same community.

Mr. Johnson is our attorney. He's actually on vacation in the UK right now.

I will talk to people who I know. I'll talk to my neighbors who are part of the members.

Well, the problem is your neighbors have submitted three complaints about your dog and a car that's not running.

Excuse me? That's not our house. I don't have a dog and I don't have a car that doesn't run.

I think you've got the wrong number and I will talk to them. I do not want to talk to you.

I know my neighbors. I will talk to them and I will figure out what needs to be done.

I'm sorry about it, but I will really talk. I think you've got someone else.

I do not have a dog. I do not have a car that doesn't run.

Well, there's someone on the way now to cut your grass.

Excuse me?

Could you please tell your children to shut up?

Can you talk properly, idiot?

Idiot, you bitch.

We brought drugs in our neighborhood.

That was great.

Is she got enough?

Yeah, she did. She hung up.

Oh, God.

Yeah, that was good, though, man. I like that.

Now you're heckling him back.

Sorry, I didn't mean to say that.

We've got from Cable. He's submitting a number to Sid Gosation from dude named Seth who was drunk.

And he has a really red-faced bitch mouth saying that he still cigarettes to your 17-year-old daughter.

Oh, that should do it. Should I try that? I think so.

All right. Hang on, folks. We'll be right back with the next call.

We're going to get some shit to a Citgo gas station in Connecticut.

Forty-seven seconds.

Actual minutes may vary to the terms printed on your card or poster.

Thirty.

Hello, sir.

Hello.

Yeah, is this Citgo?

Yeah.

Sir, I've got a bit of an issue.

My 17-year-old son, he went in and you sold him some Marlboros?

When was this?

Uh, earlier tonight, uh, he said the guy's name was Soth, uh, S-O-T, Soth? Seth? I think he wrote down Seth.

Seth?

Yeah, some lady named Seth, I guess, who's working there.

Some who?

A lady, I guess, named Seth, S-E-T, I don't know if that's short for Sethany or something.

But that's, he's, he's telling me that that's the name on the name tag, and he's 17 years old.

He came home, and he was walking in front of me, and I frisked him like I normally do.

and a pack of cigarettes fell out from his shorts and fell onto the ground.

And a lighter.

And what time was this?

Uh, tonight when he came home.

Like, time?

He's been here for a while now, but I just found out 30 minutes ago.

Sir, I need to find out who this Seth woman is.

Well, we do not have a employee here who's a female named Seth.

Well, a male? I'm assuming Seth is a woman's name. I don't know.

It wasn't that Seth.

Uh, Seth, uh, he's, uh, he bought them tonight, he said.

right? Yeah, who's Seth? Well, there was actually no one named Seth working tonight. Oh, you're so

lying. You're calling me? No, Seth, it was the old man that sold me to him. He's, he's, go ahead, tell him, son.

It was the old man that sold me to him. Yeah, the old man. He sold me the cigarettes. That man on the phone, man.

His name is Seth. That's who? Right there, that's him? That's who sold him to you? Well, I didn't, I didn't get his name, but he's the one that sold me the cigarettes.

All right, what's your name, sir?

Dave.

Dave. That's your name, Dave.

I'm going to put you on with my lawyer, actually, right now. Hang on.

Your lawyer right now?

Yes.

Good afternoon. Hello, I'm Mike Esten.

Hello there. Who am I speaking with, please?

Collab your full name, please, so I can watch you down.

Okay, go ahead, sir. This is my attorney on the line right now.

Keith, come on. No more prank call in the store. Not now.

You're talking to my attorney. I don't know who you... Is this Keith? Is that your name?

My name is Mike Esten. I'd like to speak to the manager of the company, please.

Is that yourself?

Uh, no, there's no one here who can help you right now. If you call tomorrow...

Well, actually, the thing is, the person I have here with me is the guy you sold the cigarettes to,

and you know that it's highly illegal until they're 18, and you've gone and broken their law,

and we have a lawsuit against you now. You know, obviously, you know, we can take you to court, so...

What's the kid's name?

but he's not my son

it's my son

he's my client

it's my son

name please

his name is Matthew

his name is Stephen

Matthew what?

Matthew Stevens

Matthew Stevens?

yes

my name is Bob Stevens

my son's name is Matthew Stevens

and fortunately

me myself

I have sold

let me see here

one, two, three

four packs of cigarettes

so my son is lying

my son must have

must have just

this must have just

came out of his

he

yeah

did it come out of his butt

or something?

excuse my French

Oh, what kind of friend, may I ask?

Well, Dad, it was the guy on the phone.

He sold me the cigarettes earlier, Dad.

Don't get in trouble with me, but he was the one that sold me them.

All right, okay.

The guy you're talking to now.

Son, I've told you about picking up the phone.

Hey, man.

I'm sorry, but I'm just saying.

I hate to break it to you, but I did not sell any pack of cigarettes to some kid

because everyone who came in and bought cigarettes, I know, and they come in every night.

No, no, I really don't.

You sold them to me.

I think you're lying.

You guys have a nice day, and have fun, all right?

You're lying to me.

Who's that?

David.

Yeah, exactly.

His name is not David.

That's a made-up name.

So that was that.

Andy, what are your thoughts on this?

Great.

What was the name of that, mate?

All right, Milkman, now you sound like crap.

What's going on here?

Anyway.

All right, man.

All right, we got...

I'm closing some windows down.

The dead is telling me that I, Milkman, and Scott fucked him up bad.

Okay, you're still breaking up, but okay.

Sorry.

AMD, I got to tell you, it sounds great.

You do a great...

For some reason, I really like you as the attorney.

It's a really nice...

just talking normal and saying you're an attorney

it carries a lot of validity here in America

yeah

I've already mentioned it before

but I just wanted to reiterate that again

that was pretty cool, thank you

I'll do the interior voice

that's

okay from my side

and all my staff working for me

thank you

wow

that's my very posh accent

keep working on that

well right mate

All right, mate, are you taking, you know, with all the accents.

Hang on, hang on now.

We've got the Polka Polish restaurant coming up next.

Just confirmed about five minutes ago by a lonesome loser.

That's in Los Angeles, a foreign guy.

You've got ill, and you need your lawyer to have a chat with him about it.

I think so.

Let's try it again.

Let's see if I can get a lawyer.

Hey, Carlito, before you go too far on down the page,

K-Bone sent you a number to the Sitco.

he would ask that you would call that

what do you think we just did

it's a great show

awareness zero

milkman

you're missing a great show milkman

awareness zero

he put his finger in your butt

and then you're here

milkman got on my nerves

hang on

Milkman, be quiet there.

Rope one out. We'll be right back after this.

Sorry, Milkman. I love you, Milkman.

I love you, Pop.

Wait a minute.

The term's printed on your Carter poster.

Okay, that number's busy.

We'll have to try that next again.

We're going to have to pick up another number in the meantime.

Wasn't there one from The Warrior here?

Yeah, Mike in Oregon.

They need a car. Mike needs a car.

That's all I got.

if the warrior

do you have a last

name for

Mike if he has a last name that we can go with it

I think better because I can call from a charity organization

offering him a free car

cars for tards

cars for poor people

cars for dirt

well Jimmy

I got Jim's Lazy G Cafe and Saloon

I got Cyber Dorks

let's call it Cyber Dorks

8 minutes

Minus 47 seconds.

Actual minutes can vary

for the terms

printed on your

card or postage.

Great.

Another busy number.

Mike in Oregon is busy.

Yeah, man.

Mike is working

on his organ.

I guess so.

Hold on.

Hold on, the warrior says.

Hold on.

I think he's calling

him to find out.

Hey, dude,

what's your last night?

We're not going

to prank you, too.

All right.

Neo is coming in

with some numbers also.

Thank you,

little evil Neo

in the chat room.

Again, if you want

to reach me on

AOL Instant Messenger,

you can do so at

Madhouse Radio.

That's Madhouse Radio.

Also, if you'd like to call in to show, if you're listening and you'd like to be a part of it,

you can dial 1-888-278-8509.

That's 1-888-278-8509.

Saigon taunting the dead, telling him that I said if the dead shaves his head and gets a haircut,

that I would let him back off.

Oh, man, that bitch.

Yeah, I shouldn't even give him air time.

Let me get my fingers over there.

I think I'll get my chat working here.

I'll pay a little bit.

Hey, Saigon, you should back off, dirt.

You're a dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt.

Listen here, you little darky.

We ain't pulling no good out of here.

Oh, hey.

Someone play the race.

Tyra Spank's my ass.

I'll tell you what.

I'll give you some Tyra Spank.

So you said Saigon and the Dead are related?

Well, I think Prankmaster and Saigon are related.

Oh, yeah, I think so, too.

I think so, too.

I think they're the same person, actually.

Are you really?

Well, actually, see, the dad was not even in the chat room tonight.

You know that?

That Saigon had stolen his phone and was coming in and pranking our damn gizmo chat.

Oh.

So Saigon has really done some terrible things tonight.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, that's horrible.

Hopefully that never happens again.

What was I doing there?

I had three people I was trying to call.

Okay, we had Mike in Oregon was busy.

So you had a couple numbers from Lonesome Loser now.

All right.

Let me try the Polish people again, those bastards.

Yeah.

I really want to get to that club.

That's what they got, Sausage.

Sausage.

Or Sitgo.

Sitgo, Keith asked you to do Sitgo.

We already fucking called Sitgo.

Awareness zero.

Yes, we called Sitgo.

But, man, you don't pay attention at all.

You don't even care.

Remember when we yelled at you for this like five minutes ago?

My human age.

Yeah, that is a genius.

Aw, poor Ellie.

That's supposed to be awesome.

No email sex.

I'm sorry about that.

You did a bit of tears there.

I'm sorry.

I mean, I'm going to do it this time.

The blood balance will allow you to talk for 6 hours, 38 minutes, 47 seconds.

Actual minutes may vary per the terms printed on your card or posters.

Hey.

Be blowing.

great oh no oh hey we're getting some numbers from you hello this is polka polish yes it is

what kind of food do you have there well take a look at polka catering.com and you will see

everything even i did i did it's great i love what you have this is hey it's a it's a

polish food right okay let me ask you real quick um do you guys have the polish submarine polish

Polish what?

The Polish submarine sandwich with the screen door.

Well, did you see our website?

Yeah.

Well, if you saw that you know everything what you have.

It says you have the Polish submarine sandwich.

I see it here. Is it still available?

Did you see it on our website sandwich?

Yes.

No, you did not.

Yes, I did.

It says Polish submarine with the screen door sandwich.

$5.99.

Well, I don't know why you saw it, you know.

Anyway, I think you got the wrong number.

Sir, real quick.

How old are you?

About 15

You're 50?

Okay, so your father was alive during World War II?

Yes

So they're a bunch of cowards, huh?

Yes

Your grandfather was a coward, your father was a coward, right?

You kind of just let the Nazis just roll all over them, huh?

You are a man with no honor

And you despise yourself and you know it

And then the Russians came

You despise yourself and you know it

And I'm sorry about you, you asshole.

You pitiful asshole.

If there's nothing worse than a Frenchman, it's a Polishman.

Damn Polack.

So that's just the Polish section of the show today.

That's funny.

That guy.

You must really hate yourself.

And you know it.

AMD.

Hello.

What do British people think about the Polish?

Any opinion on that?

Well, I don't think they really talk about them very much.

You know, it's just the...

But if you want me to...

If you want to bring a Polish person up,

I can give him some crap.

Send those to Gizmo to Carlito for me.

Yeah.

AMD, because you can't get the window open.

Hey, man.

We have the dead back on the line.

The dead, everybody.

The dead.

You know what?

What's up, buddy?

Saiga needs to be...

Huh?

Saiga needs to be...

Saiga needs to be banned permanently.

Banned permanently?

It's fucking hard.

All right, well, I don't know how to ban people.

Neil will take care of it, don't worry.

She stole your telephone, and it's not wrapped.

Well, I'm sure she's listening.

She's sending me numbers, so...

Exactly.

Dad, do you want to call a Chinese restaurant for good times?

Hello?

Yeah, do you want to call a Chinese restaurant for good times?

I want to call a Hentu restaurant.

We'll have a Chinese restaurant ready if you want.

They're going to close in 30 minutes, so we have to hurry.

All right, you ready?

All right, we'll see what happens.

Hang on.

uh yeah we'll be right back everybody let's see if we can uh get this in in time good luck to dad

we'll be right back in a moment i don't play that play this dollars 50 will allow you to talk for

nothing it's nothing chinese restaurant

Hey K-Russell and Matthew, please.

Yeah, um, do you serve cat or dog?

Sorry? Can you say it again?

Do you serve cat or dog meat?

No, we don't.

Why not? I want some cat.

You

want some cat?

Yeah.

We don't have a, sorry.

Pussy.

Your chow mein?

Pussy cat, baby.

We have a chow mein, yes.

Yeah.

Do you have cat meat in it?

Cat meat, we don't, sorry.

Sorry. We only have a chicken. We have a beef or barbecue pork or regular pork or shrimp or combination.

Barbecue dog?

What about the dog?

Huh?

Do you have a dog meat in it?

No, we don't. Sorry.

What about the beef?

Huh?

Beef.

Yeah, we have a beef chow mein.

Ma'am, do you wash your hands after you use the bathroom?

You want beef chow mein spicy?

Yeah, I want the beef curtain chow mein spicy.

Okay, beef chow mein spicy, right? Okay, anything else?

Beef curtain.

What?

Beef curtains.

Do you have some beef curtains that sell me?

I don't know what's that.

Sorry.

He's a genius.

Beef curtains.

You're so hot as hell.

Can I eat your beef curtains?

Yeah, tell her that it's Mackinac.

Can I eat your beef curtains?

Or liquor?

Sorry, what are you talking about?

I'm sorry.

Can I eat your beef curtains?

Can I eat you out?

I don't know what are you talking about can I have sex with you I don't know

what are you talking about sir can I have sex with you ma'am may I ask you a

question ma'am did that be quiet did that ma'am may I ask you excuse me I'm

I'm talking now. Do you wash your hands after you use the bathroom?

Okay. Hello.

She totally ignored me the whole time. I'm so jealous.

The dad found the connection.

Get that number for her so they can call her.

Yeah. Definitely send that number.

The dad called back

to say goodbye to you.

They have something special going on.

There's a connection.

The dad and the girl's beef curtains.

Hey, gizmo guys. How you doing?

Okay. Lauren in Colorado

from The Warrior. Check your gizmo.

Hey.

Did that-

You hung up on me?

It was an accident.

Good call though.

Very good call.

I know- I know fucking, um, I don't know how to do this.

Ded, we're about to call it a night, but I would thank you for calling in with that last call.

Best Ded call ever.

Yeah, that was one of the best Ded calls that I've heard of.

Yeah.

Of 2006. The best Ded call of the year so far.

Alright buddy.

Beef curtains.

You even went that far, that was great. She's totally-

I want to have sex with you.

Yeah, exactly. That's exactly how you say it.

Yeah, she understood it perfectly. She was a smart dink.

She may not have understood the language, but she knew what the dead was talking about and what the dead wanted and she was all about it.

She's all about it.

She knew the language of killing it on back.

Give the dead that number.

No, I will, but the dead, you like Asian chicks, don't you?

He's really into Asian chicks.

Yeah, he likes yellow.

He has yellow fever.

A yellow and light-

Hey, uh, Dede-

You know what?

Isn't there some woman-

You know who else likes Asian chicks?

Your mom?

Yeah.

Mexican.

Bull.

So, but Dede has this girl that he thinks is hot, but he won't go up to her and ask.

You go up to her and tell her that he wants to get your b-

I fuckin' gave her my number.

Tell- just go up to her and then get- get her number.

I gave her my number.

Yeah.

You did?

When?

Yesterday?

Yeah, she might be calling right now.

The chance of your lifetime is gone.

I can't call with you.

You're gonna go fuckin'-

Oh, that's how it works.

I gotcha.

Alright, Dede.

Well, good luck.

We'll expect an update next week on your Mexican woman, okay?

All right.

You have a good night, sir.

Thank you.

Yes, sir.

What?

Oh, give it to her in the ass yet?

Yeah.

You keep asking that.

No, no.

Yeah, she's gone, man.

She'll be gone for like five months.

No, no, no.

No fucking of the ass or any other orifice here for five months.

Oh, I just can't.

I'm sorry.

I've asked you before, please.

Stop coming on to me.

Athena's listening probably.

No, she's not.

She's asleep.

Stomp your ass in the mud hole, boy.

Okay, that's it, The Dead.

You're cut off for the night.

That's it.

Okay.

Good night, The Dead.

He tore up, man.

Yeah, he just tore up.

What else do you expect?

Andy, what was I trying to say?

I asked you before.

What was your opinion on Polish people?

Yeah, you think they're a bunch of dumbasses, too?

No.

Oh, no, I got to hear that.

No, actually, I think the Polish people are good people.

And I think a lot of what people say about them in World War II is not true,

and they actually did pick up a fight, and they lasted longer than the French.

Did it last longer than the French?

I think so.

I thought the Poles got run over in the day.

No, about a month.

A month it took.

And they got attacked by the Germans and the Russians.

I'm not even Polish.

We don't have any Polish people.

I'm not even Polish.

They're not bad.

No?

They're like...

Was there a preoccupation with Kielbasa?

Who?

Polish Kielbasa.

Polish people.

Was there a preoccupation with it?

With Kielbasa, yeah.

I don't know.

You tell me.

You're the expert.

i'm trying to find out i thought maybe it was knowledge hey why don't you take the one out of

your ass and read the wrapper on it and then you can tell us

damn son we hit a nerve i don't know anything about the polish people i eat uh you know what's

good um bratwurst but that's probably german but that's the dupe right there

Yeah, real mashed potatoes.

Down here, okay, just for your knowledge, we have this thing, a sausage called a blood pudding sausage, man.

No, I'm not going to eat that.

Yeah, it's good.

It's good stuff.

It's real popular with the Puerto Ricans.

Yeah, it is.

I forgot the name of it all of a sudden.

Morcilla.

Morcilla, yeah, it's really nasty.

Morphices.

Carly, you may have seen it or heard about it.

Oh, I've eaten it.

It's really popular.

I had some last month, actually, as a matter of fact.

I know a place here in town that makes it.

It's very bad for you, I'm sure.

Anyway, we got manual fucks.

We got a manual fucks in Los Angeles.

We still have cyber dorks out there floating around that we can try to call in Hawaii.

We got another warrior number in Gizmo.

Okay, another warrior number.

Oh, yeah, we have to call that number.

Hang on real quick.

Who was it?

Hey, my new fucks sounds good.

Yeah, manual fucks does sound good.

This guy's excited about that one.

Now, who's the one that we got from Warrior here a second ago?

The Lauren Loved Band confirmed Colorado.

The guy that had a mic in Oregon.

That's the one I want to call.

The guy who needs a car.

Okay, that was the one before it was busy.

Yeah, so we'll try it again.

Okay.

Maybe it's not busy.

The next one was confirmed.

It was Lauren.

Lauren.

Okay.

All right, well, I don't know what to do with that, but okay, we'll see what we can do.

Hang on.

We'll be right back, folks.

Next call's coming right up.

Six hours, 14 minutes, 35 seconds.

Actual minutes and varies for the terms printed on your card or posters.

The dad's telling me he's Polish.

Oops.

What a bad night for the dad.

Who said that?

The dad said he's Polish.

Yeah, I defended the Polish.

He did.

Yeah.

It's just, we're not...

Hi, you have reached the Byrd residence.

We are not available right now.

Please...

Now we know what that means.

Byrd.

Thank you very much and have a great day.

We're looking for Michael Byrd.

Yeah, hello.

We're looking for Michael Byrd.

but a guy has a free automobile being offered for him.

If you're listening there, please pick up as soon as possible.

We're calling from the church.

If you're there, please pick up.

Hello?

Hello, yes, please pick up. Are you there?

Yes.

Hi, I'm calling from the Baptist church,

and we have a Mike here who's in need of a vehicle,

and one has just been donated.

Okay.

A seized vehicle.

Let me have you talk to him.

Okay, hurry up.

Hello?

Hello, sir, Mike.

Yeah?

Mike, you were next in line for a donated vehicle here.

We're at the Baptist Church downtown.

Okay.

And we just got one in from the police impound.

They offered it to the church.

It's a repossession, and it's yours for the taking.

Okay.

What kind is it?

Does it really matter?

I mean, it's a car.

It's a free car.

Yeah.

I just want to know what it is.

Okay.

Well, it's a 1999 Acura.

Now, the only issue is a man was found in the trunk.

So it needs to be cleaned out, and we don't handle that.

It needs to be cleaned out.

He had AIDS also.

Oh.

Yes.

And it was left in the woods, and a family of rabid cats actually lived inside of it for a month.

So it smells of cat feces, and the trunk needs to be redone.

It'll cost you about $5,000, and we can do it for you here for $3,200.

All you got to do is bring a check right now.

$3,200.

Can I write you down for that?

No, we can't.

Okay, sounds like a yes. Larry over there.

Could you please give us a credit card?

Yeah, okay. We have your bank account number on file here.

You fill out the form and everything.

So that'll be $3,200 per the agreement. No problem.

All right, so you want to come down and get it?

We don't have the money.

You don't have...

We don't have... We have no money.

You don't have $32? How about $32?

$32?

Yes. That's for the waste disposal fee and everything.

Well, you know what, sir?

I'm not really sure about this.

Here's the problem.

It kind of smells like a scam to me.

Here I am trying to offer you free...

I'm trying to offer you...

We're from a church, buddy, okay?

Now, you don't have to be a jerk.

We're calling from church, and we represent God.

Now, you want to get to heaven, you start doing what I say.

Oh, yeah, uh-huh.

Well, if you're really a Christian, you wouldn't say something like that.

If you're really a Christian, you wouldn't have said the S-word earlier.

Yeah, I still don't see any other Christians acting like this, really.

Well, we're the original Christians.

Yeah, don't call back here.

I'm going to call the police, okay?

I'll punch you in the mouth.

Mediocre at best, that call.

That was okay.

Not bad.

Nice average call.

I give that a 6 out of 10.

What do you think, Andy?

Um, yeah.

6 out of 10?

6?

It was confrontational.

It had its moment, but it didn't last very long.

Okay.

Um, let's see here.

Hey there, Carlito.

Figured I'd say hi since I haven't been around much.

Oh, Megs.

Megs is out there.

Used to hang out with.

Well, wait a minute now.

Now, Meg's a scene that she used to hang out with, Jane Nefarious.

Well, that's good to hear from Megs.

Was there a breakup here that I don't know about?

It's horrible.

I would hate to say that, no, that James and Megs broke up.

Well, it's good to hear from you, Megs.

I know you had issues with your eyes and everything.

It's good to see that you're back on the computer.

She did.

She had a, I don't know, or she got kicked by a donkey in the back of the head and her eyes.

What?

Yeah.

Seriously.

She was doing the hand method to measure the donkey's length.

Who does that?

Megs.

And the donkey kicked her in the back of the head.

What kind of job is that?

Uh, a hand, uh, hand measure.

What's it called? Agricultural

hand measure, something like that.

It has hand ology or something.

She's gonna tell a donkey's future?

No, the donkey, no, that's just to see,

like, when you sell a donkey, you do it by hand.

Who buys and sells donkeys?

I don't know, they do out there in Nile or whatever she wears.

Wow.

I'm totally bullshit, it's a total bullshit story.

Oh, you made that up? Yeah, I made all that up.

Wasn't that good? That was pretty good.

And I found out that I knew you were lying.

Okay, well good, you caught me.

Sounds like riding a donkey then

Yeah, I'm going to ask them

Sorry Meg, I didn't mean to make fun of you

DJ Herb on AOL

Is sending me numbers to the British Embassy

The British Consulate

You know I'm not going to be calling the British Embassies and British Consulates

Yeah, you don't want to be put on a terrorist list

Yeah, exactly

Carlos, you're not exactly wide enough to be fucking around

They're going to send you to Guantanamo

Yeah, exactly

It's AMD

AMD, are you listening?

AMD, sir

We're going to warn you

The Angry Welshman.

Remember what I was saying?

Did AMD drop out?

Yes.

Is anybody else with us here?

I couldn't get it to you.

Okay, so AMD's not listening.

We've got a number here from Lorne.

Okay.

Confirmed in Colorado.

Right.

Okay.

Milkman, real quick.

Is it just me and you talking?

Because if it is, then let's just go direct.

What is there?

Who is this?

I'm AMD.

Okay, AMD.

You sent me the numbers to the British consulate?

Well, if you want to do a call to one of them,

I could pretend to be lost, like I said.

So I put my very posh accent.

Hello, I'm stuck here in the US and I'm really, really pissed off about it.

And I really want to have some help here.

And it's only chance you can help me out at all because I really need the help.

So I could do that if you want.

I don't know which one was in your nearest state.

You still got the AA number?

All these numbers? Yeah, I do have that AA number.

Alcoholics Anonymous. I can put one up if you want.

Yeah, yeah.

You want the UK number?

Well, we have plenty of other numbers that we need to get to,

so let's just try to stick to those right now.

Yeah, and I really don't feel safe with calling it British Consulate

because it says emergency.

No, we're not going to call any government officials.

Even if it's not a true democracy like us great Americans.

Andy, you're the history expert.

I'll quickly put up some numbers.

Do you want some UK numbers or US?

No, we don't.

I think we're good on numbers, actually.

We're getting ready to wrap it up here.

It's just kind of getting late.

I'm going to try to hit manual fucks.

We're going to try to call manual fucks real quick.

And what else?

What else?

Neo's numbers?

I don't know about Neo's numbers.

Yeah, call Neo's numbers.

Okay, we'll do one of Neo's numbers now.

Then we'll call manual fucks.

That'll be the last number for Lonesome Loser again.

Thank you, Lonesome Loser, for helping us out tonight.

Let me do a rundown real quick.

Manual fucks sounds good.

Yeah, okay.

1005 Central Standard Time.

That would be at 1105 an hour ago.

A Don Moorhead that we had.

I said, eh, it might be too late for that.

That's the dead whining.

Someone told me to call Marilyn.

Mick said, hi.

Well, I'm sorry.

I'm just running through here.

Yeah, I guess California is either back in the chat room or he's saying something.

I don't know.

California is having a good time in the chat room, he's saying, I guess.

Nah, he's out right now.

He's out right now.

He said he was the king of the chat room, and I'll take his word for it.

Hang on.

Yeah, he was using Beach Boy tonight.

He was at some time.

Hey, MD.

Are you there?

AMD?

Yes?

Another question.

So you smoke cannabis, I'm assuming, right up there in the U.K.?

I sure do.

Okay, now how hard is it to come about?

How much does it cost you?

And how tough are the bobbies with that over there?

Well, they just passed a law last year.

And if you've only got a small amount of cannabis,

then you can't, well, be done for it.

Only if you've got enough to supply.

And the thing about strongness,

if you've got bud, then that's pretty strong

gonna get your stones but i'm getting echoes man say uh 500s and worth for a little bag and

if you want solid about an eight so that's what the prices are about solid solid what does that

mean what's a solid well what's that you know um well resin what i just oh reggie's like regs resin

resin oh like yes hash resin like hard yeah okay okay okay yeah this is interesting okay so how

How much would it cost you to get, like, if you just wanted to get straight weed, and if you wanted to buy, I don't know, let's say a half ounce.

How much would that cost you?

Do you even sell in those denominations?

A half ounce would probably be about either 15 to 20 quid.

Okay, I have no idea how much a quid equals in dollars.

A quid is like a squid.

Like a squid.

Well, 15 quid is probably like $7 in the US.

So you're telling me you can buy a half ounce of weed for about $8, $9?

Something like that, yeah.

Damn.

Bullets only.

But you can't grow that stuff in Britain, can you?

Unless it's indoors.

Well, they can because it gets UV lights, and it helps it grow.

That's interesting.

You can get it very far from Holland.

Well, you can get it from Holland, I suppose.

When's Milkman going to pay for all of us to go to Amsterdam together?

Yeah, remember we were talking about that?

Yeah, I remember that.

When's Milkman going to find someone, a friend up there in Amsterdam,

and host us up there for a week or so?

Yeah, Milkman, you're the big friend maker.

Yeah.

Make a fucking Dutch friend.

International Milkman.

Milkman, do you hear me?

I'm busy with the cat.

Oh, yeah, man.

Come back, cat.

Yeah, we'll get somebody.

We'll get one of these hot girls from Holland on here.

Yeah, or Germany.

Germany's closing off, man.

If we're in Germany, we'll be fine with that.

We could fucking just go in there for a day or two.

We've got some Gambian.

Milkman, you know me and Milkman are the red light district.

The red light district.

No doubt about that right now, man.

I want to win a show.

We got that yak coming, man.

That yak.

Hell yeah, man.

You're just talking in the little telephone, man.

We'll go to the health food store.

We'll go to the health food store, get some magic mushrooms.

Yeah.

It get freaky, man.

No, man, hook that up.

Let us know about that.

Hey, we got to keep moving on here, guys.

There's an Aulov, A-U-L-O-V semen in Jamaica, New York.

I have no idea if they're going to answer, but I'll give it a try.

Let's see if I can get that person to answer.

All right.

We'll be right back after this, folks.

Next call coming right up.

That's probably a P.A.M. number.

Yep.

Next call coming right up.

41 seconds.

Actual minutes may vary for the terms printed on your part of posters.

I hate that woman.

Yo, yo, how you doing, our love?

Excuse me.

We don't know you.

I'm from the old country.

Hello.

What you call to us?

It's very...

I have potatoes.

Late.

I have potatoes.

No, this is no good.

You are not our friend.

Yes, I am good friend.

different potatoes to pickles hello ma'am okay we're not her friend milkman fine

we get back up exactly oh fine we're not her friend in case you guys didn't know we're not

her friends so we'll just leave her be the hell shit in her cornflakes we've got an arturo bin

b-i-m all right that's one of neil's number we'll call one of neil's numbers uh real quick here

Here, coming up next.

Word, 51 minutes, 29 seconds.

Actual minutes may vary for the terms printed on your card or poster.

Yes, may I speak with Akulo Bin?

What do you want?

I need to speak with Akulo.

Yes, what do you want?

Well, this is not Akulo.

Please put Akulo on the line.

Hello?

Yes.

Who is this?

Wife.

Well, I need to speak to Akulo, please.

He's asleep.

He can't sleep.

He can't play football.

Yes, I can.

Do what I want.

Put Akulo on.

What do you want?

I need to talk to him about the bills.

The bills?

Yes.

We don't have no bills.

You have a big bill.

Big bill.

Very big bill.

Two.

Hear that?

It was in the...

I'm dying.

Yeah, we're going to call it a night, ladies and gents.

We've got the sugar aides.

Yeah.

It's 1230.

We've worked until Friday.

The weekend's here.

It doesn't matter.

I don't work.

Ha ha.

Working on that.

We'll see you by that time.

I'm back next week.

I have a job.

Probably not.

Milkman.

Get a job.

Thank you.

Thank you for that.

Hey, man, me too, man.

Yeah, you too.

Let's see who will get a job first.

We'll start placing bets.

Let's get together and we'll go over to Devin

and we'll help him get his computer business rocking, dude.

Right, gotcha.

He'll pay us for it.

He's already a lawyer.

AMD, well, thank you very much for joining us tonight.

No problem at all.

It was a pleasure being here.

Pleasure having you.

Thank you very much.

We'll catch you later, dude.

And you, mate.

All right, then.

I'll catch you here after the show

milkman we'll catch you later too

thank you very much sir

hey thanks a lot man I want to just give it a quick

holler and a thanks to

big ol' madman and

look forward to hearing from him this weekend

thanks so much for the wonderful chat

Dr. Lego also

who gives us our voice

this stream, this wonderful sound

that we tickle your ears with

and also KDK

it's not possible without

It's at the P-C-U-P-H-D.

Arthur Rebro, a master of pranks.

KDK, thank you so much for our time.

Who did we hit?

You hit Lego, right?

You got that.

I'll check that off my list.

That's Lego.

That's right.

Lego's our voice.

Everybody who joined in tonight contributed.

As far as people on the phone, we had the dad.

We had Prankmaster for the last time.

Thank you, God.

AMD, of course.

Milkman, thank you.

Reclute.

Zolar for a while.

Great God.

Great Scott was on the line also.

That's true.

Andy, thank you for being here.

No problem.

Yeah, and everybody in the chat room, Lonesome Loser, of course.

K-Bone called in also.

Let's not forget K-Bone.

And he submitted a number.

And K-Bone, yeah.

Little Evil Neo, thank you very much for submitting numbers.

And, hey, a new comeback or a new good number guy, Warrior.

Warrior, exactly.

The Warrior, thanks a lot.

Welcome to the PCU culture.

It is.

We're making a culture.

And anybody else, let's not forget, everybody in the chat room,

everybody listening tonight, thank you so much.

It's always a pleasure.

Especially, yes, PCU, it's all for you, man.

We couldn't do this without you, man.

We do it just for you.

Exactly.

And you know, the whole night, I didn't even have the toll-free number on.

My bad.

Yeah, so everybody will be here next Thursday.

Real quickly, I'm going to let you guys know, of course,

Zolar will be on tomorrow night at 10 o'clock.

I'm assuming possibly a Lego show.

Maybe, maybe not.

We'll see.

Around 8 o'clock.

Before that, if not, just stay tuned,

and Zolar will be around by 10 o'clock, I guarantee it.

But Saturday is KDK's Lunatic Fringe at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Sunday you have Cableman's Crazy Talk.

He said he'll be starting at 7.

And starting at 9 p.m. Eastern, then you'd have Sean Ward's Peanut Punch Radio.

That's every Sunday night.

Of course, as I said a thousand times before, he'll be here at the end of the month,

Thursday the 27th, live to do a show with me.

We have big plans for that.

Yay!

Yes, be sure to catch that.

Monday, maybe Billy Mirren, maybe Dr. Lego.

There's usually a show on Monday night, so be sure to be tuned.

And the Dr. Lego show.

Exactly.

And Wednesday nights, you have K-Bone.

Not K-Bones.

We have KDK's Cycle Babble, which was really great last night.

Very good show.

Very great time.

Oh, my God.

That show is a lightning rod of activity.

And if you missed that, dude, you have missed.

You're a horse's ass.

You're a horse's ass, bitch, if you missed it.

Okay.

Well, Milkman, let me sign off with you here real quick, and we'll call it a night.

Thank you very much, my friend.

Thanks a lot, man.

I'll catch you after the show.

All right, no problem.

Yeah, enjoy your weekend, man.

You too.

We'll be talking, I'm sure.

Tell my friend I said hello.

All right, peace out.

You got it.

Peace, man.

Okay, and that's the milkman, everybody.

And, yeah, from here in Florida, let me say goodnight to you all.

And, again, as I said, thank you very much for listening.

We'll be here next week.

Couldn't do it without you.

And everybody have your prayers and music.

Calls (17, 1 h 6 min of 3 h)

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