2006-01-26 Show

What did you use to make the, um, the sound collage that we did?

Gen, material.

Uh, there's me.

There was me.

Yeah, I'm speaking, I'm talking, um, I'm looking at the thing, and...

It's not working.

Yeah, my voice...

Alright, who's listening to me?

Oh, look, there's my voice doing the levels.

There we go.

Test, test, test.

I'm a loud motherfucker, that's why.

That's Canada.

Too bad.

That's just kinda good.

Instead, we have Asians.

Do you have Asians?

What? We have a Thai section.

Oh.

Yeah, big Thailand.

Little Thailand is so much.

A lot of Thais.

What do you got? A lot of Chinese?

Straight up Chinese.

Chinese.

Japanese not so much.

Yeah, Chinese mostly.

A lot of Chinese.

Korean kind of on the outskirts.

The madhouse will begin just one more time.

Vietnamese too.

A lot of Vietnamese.

Yeah, there's a lot of Vietnamese here too.

I know there's a really big Thai section.

Set, three, one, two, three.

What's up, man?

Hello.

You got milk, man?

It's liquid bread.

It's perishable.

What is that?

In 1988 we pioneered freshness. We pioneered freshness dating so consumers would know their Samuel Adams beer was fresh.

Once a year I swim in it. Literally, we fill a dunking tank with old beer and I go in.

You got something different? I got a different one.

The color spectrum of beer. Color in beer is a great indicator of flavor.

You'll rarely find a pale beer with rich flavor.

When you look at the deep amber color of Samuel Adams Boston lager, know that it comes from the roasted two-row summer barley we use.

Well, thank you, Mr. Adams, for that.

Thank you very much, Samuel.

I wonder if they've got Samuel Adams' Charlotte, North Carolina lager.

They've got Boston.

Maybe they've got Charlotte lager.

Maybe they've got Portland lager.

They should have a Portland lager.

If they don't, they'll have a Los Angeles lager.

We are.

Welcome, everybody.

Hi, everybody.

We're still setting up.

We'll be right back.

Yeah.

Let's just start the show.

Turn my motherfucking headphones up.

Bitches.

This is Rick Jane.

That's right, bitch.

This is the real Rick Jane.

Yes, Rick James, bitch.

Baddest motherfuckers you've ever seen.

And one of the best motherfuckers.

One of the best singers.

The mixtape, bitches.

Sit back and enjoy yourself, bitches.

It's a celebration.

Polly.

Step up front.

This is my cold bread.

Step up front.

Rick G.

Step up front.

Struggle, but it's a beautiful struggle.

Yeah.

Turn my motherfucking headphones up.

Today is Thursday.

Come a God.

Oh, you're the God, too.

God? Which one?

He thinks he's genius.

It's not bad.

Perhaps not. When he decides to announce it,

if the law sees mad,

they'll knock him off.

We're at the Republic! My friend,

this could be the best thing

that ever happened.

Those who believe that life here

began out there,

across the universe. Tribes of

humans who may have been

the forefathers of the

The Egyptians, Altecs, or the Mayans may have been the architects of the Great Pyramids or the lost civilizations of Lemuria or Atlantis.

Some believe that there may yet be brothers of man who even now fight to survive somewhere beyond the heavens.

There will be no order, only chaos.

That being said, grab a blunt, take a big hit, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

Exclusive of PCU Radio and MadHouseLive.com.

Flight controllers, listen up.

Give me a go, no, go for launch.

Booster.

Retro.

Go.

Vital.

Go, flight.

Guidance.

Guidance, go.

Surgeon.

Go, flight.

E-com.

We're go, flight.

GNC.

We're go.

Tell me.

Go.

Control.

Go, flight.

Procedures.

Go.

Inco.

Go.

FAO.

We are go.

Network.

Go.

Recovery.

Go.

Go, flight.

Launch control, this is Houston.

We are go for launch.

real from real real chris i take rest today first of all um why don't you shut the hell

why don't you shut the hell up fuck you fuck you but maybe he's only a little crazy like

painters or composers or or some of those men in washington

You son of a bitch, you motherfucking, you are speaking Spanish.

What the fuck you want?

No, you speak English, I say.

You motherfucking, you motherfucking.

Ah, go ahead, man.

Mother bitch.

Motherfucking you.

You bitch.

Don't never, don't never call again to this boy, man.

Mo my lord, mo my lord.

You motherfucking.

Why are you so angry?

What's my quality?

You, man.

It's too high right now.

We're not low.

It's a bizarre circus.

And I'm your boy, Young Miles, the future.

It's about to crack up for y'all

Yeah, what's up everybody, good evening

Yeah

Yeah, it's 10.49 and we're starting here

Later than normal, but earlier than we expected

Earlier than we said

Exactly

Yes, that's right

I said possibly earlier and look enough, it is earlier

A whole 10, 11 minutes earlier

Pow, you feel that?

Exactly

Feels good, don't it?

That's the kind of love I have for you folks

Yeah, it's 10.49 Eastern, 7.49 on the West Coast

and you're listening to Madhouse Radio.

I am Carlito with, of course, special guest tonight,

none other than the, what are you now,

the underground president of Toronto or something like that?

I think the way I put it was the underground cult legend of Toronto.

Underground cult legend, that's correct.

Thank you very much, studio audience.

You're beautiful, all of you.

Hugs and kisses to you and yours.

Yes, my digital studio audience.

Oh, is that what that is?

No, no, I'm talking about them live people right there.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, so ladies and gentlemen, just hello and welcome to the program.

It feels good to be down here in Florida, Orlando, Florida.

I'm looking forward to seeing it with the sun up tomorrow.

Exactly.

Yeah, you've seen no Florida sun yet.

Have you ever been to Florida before?

I was in Florida when I was nine years old.

You go to Disney's and see the whole Disney thing.

I'll tell you that story.

Hold on just one second.

All right, sure.

Sure.

We got, it was the year that like, a year or two after the old 8-bit Nintendo was out.

And our family was like, you know, we were the last family on the block to get a VCR, to get a microwave, any of that shit.

Right.

So naturally, we were the last family on the block to get a Nintendo.

Okay.

So, we wanted a Nintendo for Christmas, my sister and I.

And Santa Claus, unfortunately, couldn't get us a Nintendo.

He left us a note explaining so many kids wanted a Nintendo this year that we couldn't keep up.

So I'll tell you what.

Here's how I'll make it up to you.

If you look on the coffee table, there's some tickets to Florida for you guys.

You guys go to Florida, and here's a coupon.

And Santa Claus had left a coupon in the shape of a candy cane.

Good for one Nintendo Entertainment System, but only in Florida or something like that.

Words to that effect.

so um yeah so that was what santa claus brought to our family for christmas that year was uh

plane tickets to florida and a coupon for a free nintendo while we were down there really so did

you get the nintendo oh we got the nintendo we were playing in the hotel room while we were down

here yeah you have to understand my dad was well it's it's alleged okay it's alleged that my dad

was a uh sort of a mastermind criminal in the 80s okay yeah this would have been 1987 or 1988

87 or 88, if I'm correct.

87 or 88, yeah.

87 or 88.

Exactly.

And 87 or 88, it's alleged that my, well, it was obvious that we had money.

Who knows where it came from?

Let's put it that way.

At that point, who cares?

But yeah, my dad was in the gold business, so it was all kinds of crazy shit.

It was the 80s, right?

All kinds of crazy shit going on.

Exactly, yeah.

So anyways, this particular Christmas that we're talking about, it was just insane because

there was just this sea of toys all over everything.

to look at the photos coffee table floor both couches just on every surface just coated in a

layer of toys for me and my two sisters and on top of all of that is this trip to florida that

we're going to take and get a nintendo while we're down there so yeah so that's like that's that's a

lot of money right so you wonder where that kind of shit comes from anyways so we went to florida

and got the nintendo and uh there was a whole other story that i was about to tell oh that

That had to do with the Nintendo.

Or, yeah, forget what.

What were we talking about with Nintendo?

No, your trip to Florida.

Your first and only trip to Florida.

Right, was that Christmas.

And, yeah.

We totally got off track.

Isn't that the total stoner conversation we just had right now?

Something like that.

Something like that, yeah.

We ended up talking about Nintendo, and it all makes sense in the end.

Yeah.

Well, because Mega Man was a big deal, you know.

Mega Man, Mario, all the M's.

The M characters.

Metroid.

Mario, Metroid.

Well.

Ninja Turtles.

Yeah.

Ninja Turtles 2, the arcade game.

Yeah, Ninja Turtles, the M.

Exactly.

Ninja Turtles.

I'm trying to think.

You ever play a game called Troy?

I watched a movie called Troy.

No, it was actually a game back...

I think it was...

No, Trojan.

It was a game called Trojan.

It really sucked.

I know about Trojan, but not as a video game.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Well, I don't need to use those, as a matter of fact.

I don't believe in them.

They take away all the feelings, Sean.

I see.

I don't know why we're...

Okay.

Okay, well, anyway, yeah.

Yeah, no comment from me.

No comments.

Let's not go any further into that.

But, yeah, like I was trying to say, we're here in the Madhouse.

It's the special edition with Sean Ward here.

We're both together.

We'll be going and doing the FX show this weekend, and I'm very excited about that, Sean.

I'm sure you are also.

I'm very excited to be doing the FX show because I remember when I went to Chicago last year,

it was a hoot, meeting all the new people, and it's like a whole different town,

so there's a whole different vibe.

And, yeah, I love turning people on to what I'm doing.

I'm down here to meet some people, turn some heads on, you know, make a few bucks while I'm at it.

You know, all the better.

You know what I'm saying?

Exactly.

Right.

And now you're getting away from the cold weather.

You're going to be here in Florida.

Well, like I was saying, we're having a really, really unreasonably, I'm sorry, unseasonably warm winter in Canada right now where we've got, like, what typically to us is, like, a nice April day.

That's what we've got in January this year.

Okay.

Wow.

Really?

Is that bad?

Yeah.

Or that good, depending on how you frame it.

I get depressed.

If it's Christmas, like this Christmas here that we had this year was hot.

I think it was like 79 degrees is a high.

It felt like March or April.

I felt depressed for some reason.

I need to have that cold feeling in the winter.

I freak out.

Yeah, you need a break.

I don't know.

Do you guys still do your hour time change for every twice a year?

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah, you do that there as well?

Daylight savings time.

Did you have it later this year, last year, like we did in the States?

I don't know.

No, I just know that it's spring ahead, fall back, and at some point I catch, oh, it's this weekend.

Oh, okay.

So I don't even, I couldn't tell you.

Have you ever not caught it before that Saturday?

I've caught it, like, I caught it once at, like, 11 p.m. that Saturday, and I said,

it's a pretty good thing because I had to work the next day.

Oh, jeez.

Have you ever gone?

No, but what I did have is actually one of my most favorite nights out ever

was the night that I was completely oblivious to the fact that it was the night that the clocks went back.

So I was at a club, and it was right when I was in the middle of just starting to get interested in maybe somewhat proficient at talking to girls kind of thing.

So I'm a little puppy been let off the leash, 19 or 20 years old, and I'm in this club where it was an old school night.

So the DJ played like 80s and 90s pop hits and a little bit of disco and some old school rap and called it his retro party mix.

and so i used to go there every uh yeah i used to go there every uh friday or saturday night or

whenever so there's one night where i was at this party and i'm looking at my watch i'm thinking man

it should have been uh last call a long time ago and then at the time they ought to be closing

they're calling last call and i'm like wow what's going on the whole time he's going got an extra

hour to party tonight everybody and i just have no idea what's going on i clue in like

Like, way after the fact, oh, yeah, the clock's going back.

So that's as far.

And I met a hot girl that night.

So, you know, it just adds to the splendor of the memory.

Well, yeah, they do say on that day the chances of you meeting a hot girl are increased by 30%.

Well, yeah, because you've got the whole extra hour.

Yeah, the women start ovulating.

It's weird because of that.

And they all cycle at the same time in the club, and you've got to answer a shot right there.

Cool.

I have no idea what I'm talking about.

So all of you men listening, if you've ever been wondering what you've got to do to make that last jump along the way,

go out on the night when the clocks go back.

Right.

Do a little dance, all that shit.

They're going to do it.

Sean Ward hooked up on that night.

That's right.

If Sean Ward could, then hell, everybody at PCU could.

There's no reason why even you can't hook up on tonight or any other night for that meaning, for that matter.

For that matter, right?

Right.

I'm losing my vocabulary.

I'm sorry, folks.

folks, but, yeah, we're behind

on our things here. We're already, like, what,

10, 15 minutes, and we've just been bullshitting. This is awesome.

I like the feel of this. This is cool. Yeah,

it's a good time. It's a good show. This is,

we were just talking about how this is gonna be

a monument in

the Frank Cole culture.

Yeah, well, let's take our first caller.

We're in the madhouse. Yes, I am,

as a matter of fact. How are you doing? Okie dokie.

I'm good. How are you? I'm good. I'm good. Say hi

to Sean Ward. He's here also. Hi, Sean.

Hello! And that's that.

So, how are you doing, by the way?

What was your day like today in your little ventures into the ecology?

What are you?

What would you call it?

You're not an activist, right?

You're just working for an activist organization?

Correct.

Okay.

So you wouldn't consider yourself an activist per se, right?

Well, technically right now my status is a student activist.

Student activist.

Wow, that's great.

Wow, but you are enjoying it, right?

I just want to make sure because I miss you and you know I love you

and I'm really hoping that you're at least enjoying yourself a little bit over there.

And you've got to

Activize

Yeah

Sean says you have to

Activize

You've got to

Activize

That's the thing

The activism

Making the prism

You know

Right

They're going after

I'm not going to say

The name of the company

But they make a lot of paper

Right

And you're from Canada

Right

Athena is that in Canada

They're cutting down

Those forests

Those ancient forests

Is that where it is

Yes

Yes that's correct

Yeah I know that's a big issue

In British Columbia

And we've got a new

Prime Minister

I wonder what he's got

To say on that subject

Well I hope he kicks

Their asses

Is what I think

Well, we'll see.

Yeah, exactly.

Greenpeace and the new prime minister, too.

Greenpeace can't beat the combination of the green and the peace.

Exactly.

Most definitely.

Well, Athena, I was supposed to call you before I went on air, wasn't I?

Yes.

And you gave me shit as I was parking my car at the airport to pick up Sean that, don't forget,

and I gave you shit back saying, why don't you have faith in me?

Sure enough.

Well, it's my fault, actually, because I'm the one rushing, going, when are we going to go on the air?

When are we going to go on the air?

Okay, fine, we're on the air.

So it's actually my fault.

Good.

Okay.

Thanks, Sean.

I'll get you those fat bucks later

Alright well

Athena how about I give you a call

On the break then

Is that good

When we take a break later on

That sounds like a plan

Okay no problem

Well I'll talk to you then

Okay

Love you

Love you too

Bye Athena

Bye

Yeah that's the man's woman

I did

Whoa

Chicken up on me

That was Athena

The woman of the man

Yeah I totally

Fucking when I was

The audience loves her

Yeah

This is a very happy audience

It is

But they can turn on a dime

So don't mess with them Sean

I warn you ahead of time

My audience can be ruthless sometimes.

They're fickle.

They are fickle, yeah.

They're quick to change.

They're very elastic, I would say.

Is that?

No, maybe not.

That's like economics right there.

Where's Milkman, man?

Yeah, I usually say at the beginning of the show that Milkman's with us,

but he seems preoccupied with other stuff.

Excuse me, trying to get him to join up.

Well, maybe it's just that he knows how big a deal this show is going to end up having been,

and so he just is dying to experience it from the point of view of the audience

to have the objective experience of it.

Well, I would hope not.

I would hope that Milkman would call in and join.

Well, here's hoping.

Milkman, call in the show.

You got to say what's happening.

This is urgent.

You're running out of time.

We're chilling up in the Madhouse, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Carlito's Madhouse live on, what's the name of the station?

PCU.

Prank Call.

Underground Radio.

That's right.

Right, and, yeah, you're listening to us, and let's, real quickly, speaking of Prank Call Underground Radio,

you want to visit kdkprankcalls.com again.

That's K-D-K as in kill, death, kill.

K-D-Kprankcalls.com.

Oh, the Keepin' Drunk Killers.

Keep Drunk Killers.

The Keepin' Drunk Killers.

The ghetto spelling of killers, because K-I-R-K-L-E-S.

Yeah, A-H-Z.

A-A-Z, right? Killers?

We can do A-Z, or we can do A-H-Z.

I like A, we have a killer form.

Killers!

We have a California in the chat room from time to time.

Yeah, he's a good pal of mine on MySpace.

I love MySpace.

Yeah, he's very active in MySpace.

He's very active in MySpace.

He's active on my page for sure.

That guy's awesome.

Can I make my MySpace transfer to a band one?

Do I have to start a new one?

Huh?

You know what I mean?

Oh, you're trying to wonder if you can turn your current bands,

get them to just flip a switch and make it a band one.

Yeah, we're talking.

I don't know.

I have no idea.

There we go.

Let's turn the music down because I love this.

We're like getting increasingly louder and louder.

Put on some beats, man.

Put on something with some funk.

This ain't got no funk.

All right.

Well, I got some Isaac Hayes.

That's what I normally start with.

Or we can just play Mary Jane.

Yeah.

There we go.

That's more like it.

You know, I like the funk music.

That's me.

Oh, you do like the funk music.

Well, good.

That's what I listen to.

That's how I live.

Well, here's what we normally play at this point in the show.

Isaac Hayes.

You can't get any better than this for funk.

Most definitely.

Someone's calling the cell phone.

Why call the cell phone?

I bet you that's Milkman.

Anyway, yeah, Milkman, like I was saying, we're waiting for you to join us.

On the real show.

So normally he's here, we're waiting for him

But yeah, as I was saying before

KDKprankcalls.com is the website for

PCU Prank Call Underground Radio

Also you want to visit

MadhouseLive.com, that is the home page

For the show you're listening to now

The Madhouse, every Thursday night here

9.30ish

PM Eastern

Every week

And SeanWard.net

Ladies and gentlemen

If you didn't hear the news

I got the photos

In record time

I got the photos

From the last event

Up on the website

The only thing is

That I haven't yet

Updated the front page

So it still talks

Like it hasn't happened yet

But if you just

Click on the thing

To look at the info

About the show

Instead of the info

You're going to get the

Instead of the info

Future tense

You're going to get

The info past tense

You know what I'm saying

So that everybody

Can check out the photos

From the event

Okay

Alright yeah

I saw that

Did you have some event

Where you had a band

Come out too

Like there were

All these women there

Yeah, I was just looking at the pictures of it.

There's all these women at some place that you rented out or something, right?

Well, I'm trying to think.

Well, there's a lot of women at all of my shows.

I'm trying to figure out which one you're talking about.

Your last comic book, when it came out, the signing and stuff that you did,

and you had a band, and you went up on stage and everything?

Yeah.

Is that right?

But I go up on stage at all of them.

How much did that cost to rent out that place?

Nothing.

Nothing, really?

No, this is the arrangement I work out with venues,

is that I use the space,

and this is typically how it's supposed to go for a live music kind of situation,

right is that especially in the downtown thing just the culture is that you're using the stage

performing your show charging whatever you want at the door and selling your shit right they're

selling drinks and keeping that money and that's where their end of it is coming from

all right excuse me so it's it works out for both parties in that way exactly and that's how the

scene goes exactly okay gotcha so anyway we're trying to get a seanward.net that's that's your

SeanWard.net.

And also, if you got the MySpace thing rolling, MySpace.com slash SeanWard, all one word.

Exactly.

And I believe I am on MySpace.com forward slash MadhouseRadio.

You can get me there.

Yo, I need something more upbeat than this.

I appreciate this is funky, but I need something upbeat.

We do.

Upbeat and snappy.

You know what I'm saying?

I want some George Clinton.

Yeah, what you got for George Clinton?

Oh, I got plenty of George Clinton.

Well, let's have some George Clinton.

We got Jungle Boogie.

We want the Funk One Nation on our group.

Bob Gun

Yeah do Bob Gun

Is that the one with Ice Cube

Or is it the original

Yeah I got both of them

We'll do the Ice Cube one

Yeah

There we go

This is the

Little better

This was a huge hit

When I was a teenager

We used to love this fucking song

In 1993 as it says

But it was actually in 94

When they made it big

That's right

And the video

It would say 1993

But it would show 4

Well it wasn't

The first single off that album

So the album came out in 93

That was the Predator album

But by the time

This song was released

As a single

Yeah

No Predator came out in 92

too okay so it wasn't because wicked was the big song off of that okay this was off of the next one

which what was the next one lethal injection i think lethal injection i think i think so yeah

this is definitely a nice song i bought this thing with myself back when i used to buy tapes

it's about cassette tapes oh my friend james had this on uh the cd single oh nice so he was the

fucking man oh fuck did i have the cd of this too yeah i did have the cd of this yeah yeah exactly

Okay, the dead's depressed

The dead's always depressed

So what's the difference there?

The dead is depressed

The dead

That man is

That man is dead to me

Do not even mention his name

The dead is dead to you?

Really?

Yes

Oh, because he supposedly

He was inappropriate with me

With you?

Yes, he was inappropriate with me

He said you sucked

Matter of fact, I think he did

He said that because

He was inappropriate with me

And I just got him off the phone

Oh, okay

That was the story with that man

Oh, he's being dirty

Yeah, see, Sean doesn't play like that.

He doesn't like that stuff.

I tolerated everything.

Not even just that, but I even just like flat out said,

yo, like, don't talk about it.

I forget how I worded to him.

I just said, yo, we're not doing that.

And then he kept doing it.

Okay, fine, you're out.

And then even that isn't so bad.

It's after that when he starts going to the chat room.

Sean Ward sucks at this shit.

Yeah, hey, I know you're there, Da Dead.

Speak up.

Why are you calling him up?

I was trying to see whether he has a response.

I'm not going to say anything.

Da Dead, yeah,

that's all.

I thought I'd bring him in to see what his story was.

Well, I was just getting a little emotional about it.

The truth, though, is that he's a big supporter of PCU.

No, but he does do that.

And he gives a lot back to the community of PCU.

That's the truth.

He participates a lot, I would say.

Participates, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's involved.

He's Katie Kay's homeboy, too, anyways.

I don't know.

Katie Kay's not too happy with him.

But we're not going to get into that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're not getting into none of that anyway.

Exactly.

Well, now Milkman's left the chat, right?

The bottom line is we love the guy.

So moving on.

Moving right along.

You got it.

So, yeah, we were looking at the newspaper today, and we saw an article about Samuel Adams.

And did you know, not only was he a brewer, but he was a patriot.

He was a patriot also.

That's right.

He was a patriot as well.

An American patriot.

A brewer first, though.

Yeah.

Patriot second, but patriot nonetheless.

Exactly.

Patriot, yeah, exactly.

I saw that on an advertisement.

today you did yeah for samuel yeah just nonetheless yeah there's just the bottle that was sitting

around and then you know okay well good it's that one right there is that one right there the one

that we very one the one that we drank out of well i drank how you drank on that we didn't we

don't share beers that's right we don't have to we're not that cheap here well sean let me get

half that beer man at the bottom well that reminds me of a thing like a famous showbiz story is that

you know all the jazz singers and jazz musicians of the 40s and whatnot they were all into you

you know, the wacky weed.

Right, exactly.

So a story that went around is that, like,

Duke Ellington got a really bad reputation

for being a cheap ass,

that he didn't pay his musicians

because somebody went into the bathroom

and saw two of his musicians sharing a cigarette.

How?

What?

Duke Ellington is so cheap

that they have to share cigarettes.

They can't even afford their own cigarettes.

This is how they saw it

when really what was going on is they're...

Oh, they're smoking?

Yeah.

They had no idea

What a bunch of

They're probably paid even better

He probably paid them

With weed

Right

But the joke

The joke though

Is that

He got a

Yeah the whole

They have to share a cigarette

That's the gag

That's the joke

Yeah that's good

But that was back

When there were reefer heads

That's when they returned

Right

That crazy reefer man

That

Cap Calloway sang that song

He did

That crazy reefer man

Crazy reefer

Yeah that's when

The whole skit

They started liking it

To immigrants too

That they used

And then they would

Commit murders and stuff

And that's how

That's how it became illegal, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen.

You ever watch that documentary, Grass?

No.

There's a movie that's made by Ron Mann,

and it's the guy that did,

he did Comic Book Confidential

and a couple of other big documentaries.

Anyways, he did a movie in the late 90s,

a documentary called Grass,

and it's narrated by Woody Harrelson.

And the production values on it,

it's just a joy to look at,

because, you know, it's about grass,

so they're making it, like,

to stimulate the stoner and shit, right?

Right.

So a lot of, like, fucking psychedelic graphics

and shit on the title cards and whatnot.

And it just goes through the whole history

of weed and where it came from

and how it was illegal and why

and what they've been doing over the years and all the way up to the present.

Hell of a movie. I highly recommend it.

Grass by Ron Mann.

Really big in Louisiana. First, I guess,

in the jazz culture, right? That's kind of where it

kind of broke out.

That's even later in the story. The original thing

is that the Mexicans liked it.

Since they didn't want Mexicans coming up into

their country, it was a real easy way to

outlaw that and all of a sudden we can just take Mexicans

and dump them back off at the border.

And that's where the whole thing started from.

That's where it all started.

Well, that's horrible.

That's how the story went.

That's history, man.

And now it just makes money for the government through fines and fees.

That's part of the machine, you know?

Do you have, I mean, they say here, the whole impression of Canada, I don't know if it's

false or not, or superficial of us Americans, and Canada, foreigners, whatever.

But we see in Canada, it's a lot lax.

There are areas in California where you can buy it and not be afraid to be smoking it.

Would that be correct, or are we incorrect?

In Toronto, man, in Toronto, if you're, you know, I mean, granted, you don't actually

want to go do it because there's always, you know, you never know, but in Toronto, in many

parts of the city, especially the downtown region, you can just go walk in the streets

with a fucking joint and it's nothing.

Wow.

Okay.

Like, summertime, yeah, summertime on Queen West, dudes are just fucking going for a stroll

down the lane having a joint like it's a cigarette.

Huh.

That's awesome.

so i'm saying it's illegal but it's not yeah it's illegal and in certain parts of the country they

don't they they're more serious about it and uh in places that are non-urban they don't like it

because you know it tends to be where people have grow-ups and there's you know one guy that

services the whole area that's you know that's bad news exactly but uh the stuff where it's just

like a guy with a dime in his pocket yeah or you know a guy with a quarter in his sock drawer

can't be bothered that's crazy yeah i i don't know i'm looking at it well the whole reason

You'll remember, just a couple of years ago, the liberal government under Chrétien was going for the whole decriminalization thing.

And it was all of the American-sensitive neocon politicians on the right that fought that.

Okay, so that's...

And they're on the news.

Seriously, they're on TV.

Some of these politicians are on TV going,

What would our neighbors to the south think?

What do you mean, what would we care?

Right, but this is the thing.

You guys have a very divided thing

Politically right

Ours is also very divided

But it's very much between

On the one side

Our right wing politicians

Have this attitude that the US is all important

Don't fuck with them

Because they're so much a part of our economy

And if we fuck with them

They can fuck our economy up

We can't fuck with them

On the other hand of the political spectrum

People like me and the politicians

that young people

vote for. Yeah, more liberal

especially NDP, liberal more and more

though, is the attitude of

their dollar has been tanking for

several years. Our economy

is still going up.

We're doing fine. We don't need them.

Exactly, yeah. And that's really

what's taking hold. And so this guy, Stephen

Harper, who just got elected,

I think what's going to happen right now is that

the Canadian people are going to watch him

very intently. And all my Canadian peeps listening

listening listen up to this because what's collectively going on is that paul martin you

watch the commercials on tv he didn't want the job that's what i saw in his eyes he's like yeah i'm

running and i'm running this campaign but deep down he's he's he's had his fun and he's he wants

to stop so i that's why i voted for the ndp instead because i was about to vote liberal but

yeah so paul martin sorry stephen harper yes stephen harper wins by just the fucking slimmest

tear and so basically because we have the three-party system what you have is like whatever

the dominating party is gets their way because they got the most votes they got more than 50

we have a three-party system so there's always a party and it's always the ndp so you guys have

red and red and blue we have red and blue and orange so the orange side of this triangle is

sort of the middle ground that keeps whoever's in power from going too far okay so we have

have majority and minority governments. A majority government is when the liberals had

in the 90s, where they actually got more than 50% of the vote, so the other two parties

together equals less than them. That's a majority government. And a minority government is I'm

the liberals is what Paul Martin had for his time in there, which is I'm the liberals and

I have fewer votes than you two combined. And in that situation, the NDP, who always

he's got less than the other guy right because they're a smaller party whatever uh they act as

like a counterbalance reigning somebody in when they go a little too far so this guy harper that's

in now the ndp did way better than usual on this one okay and the liberals uh lost this way came

in second okay so stephen harper won by so slim a margin that i can only assume that what's happening

is that the people of canada collectively and the other politicians that are right there

everybody's just on him watching him and saying okay which direction are you gonna have that

attitude that we need to kiss their ass or are you gonna have the attitude that we're a progressive

society and you know be you know a sweden kind of thing right and so everybody's watching him

anytime he starts fucking trying if he tries to fucking get us in iraq or any shit like that

they'll fucking yank his chain just like a fucking dog yank he defies uh apparently he uh what is

This is now U.S. Ambassador to David Booker said on Wednesday that Washington opposed the plan.

What is this now?

I'm sorry.

Canadian Prime Minister-elect Stephen Harper has defended plans to send military icebreakers to the Arctic in defiance of criticism from Washington.

I don't know anything about this sending military icebreakers to the Arctic.

I don't know what that is or what that means or nothing.

But regardless, yeah, it's a BBC article saying that apparently Harper is anti-U.S.

and yeah

okay we're here reading stuff

well the chicken

whatever I guess so the new prime minister

is showing some

sack I'd say

I don't know what the hell the story is

he just got elected he hasn't had time to do anything

he's not even there yet he's still prime minister

elect

yeah exactly

let's not get into that

milkman are you on with us I'm assuming you are sir

he's connected

sounds like the about raters straightened some shit out

out, man. What's up? Hey, you coming in great. It's great to hear you finally. What happened

to you there, buddy? Are you okay? Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay. I've been a little bit

rough a little bit around the gills here. Damn, bronchitis has been really torquing me

up. Sean, if you know, I've been sick for about last month there with bronchitis, but

I'm on the air and I'm ready to go crazy and support this mad mouse knucklehead mania we

we gonna have going on this is a landmark show welcome sean ward to the carlito madhouse studio

yeah it's a great time and yeah we haven't even done one prank call we've been on the air for

like what 30 40 minutes i don't know and we we have to we have to we can get into that any any

minute man exactly let me um let our man there wrap him up a little bit you know about time they

got time to twist one up man you know that time call starts ringing yeah milkman is very he's

He's very excited.

I can tell.

Yeah, he's going to be fly.

Exactly.

Well, I guess Tucker sent me in a new mix for the show, apparently, or for PCU.

Some download of that now.

Download of that now.

We'll play that in a second.

Yeah, Mike Tucker.

He's awesome, eh?

Yeah.

Is his name Mike Tucker?

Yeah, Mike Tucker.

He came to PCU through me.

He's a fan of my comic books.

And then through listening to Peanut Punch, he got turned on to PCU.

And now he's a fucking PCU maniac.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

That's how it started.

Well, that's great.

Well, that's great, because he actually did the intro to the show that we were listening to.

Oh, let's fly.

That's him right there.

Hey, dude, look at this.

You know what I found?

Lonesome Loser.

Look at all these numbers he has sent.

He sent me numbers already, but you know Lonesome Loser, right?

Yeah, he's the fucking number man.

He is, but I just want to show you, just to see the kind of work he does for us here.

This is just what came in like now?

No, this is what I've had for him since August 22nd.

Look at all these numbers.

Holy shit.

I mean, this is like pages and pages of numbers.

If you saved it all in a Word file?

Yeah.

I've actually got everything, all my conversations with him are backed up.

I'm sure he's probably freaking out now.

But, yeah, I've done this, so I have, I mean, I've got numbers in Puerto Rico.

I'm going to just do a search here for a last name.

Let's try Brown.

There we go.

We've got Brown Inc.

Holy shit.

Never mind.

Well, no Browns.

Work on that.

No, I'm kidding.

Yeah, so Lonesome Lose is in the chat room, and you should be, too.

Yeah, we were getting at this, like, a half hour ago.

KDKprankcalls.com to join the chat room.

madhouselive.com

for my show

seanward.net

for Sean's

comic book stand

for all of his shit

he's an entertainment

guru

he's the king of

underground

media

that's right

king of the underground

exactly

king of the underground

like I explained

in one of my songs

yeah

you do say that

yeah

look at that

I didn't even know that

well you ain't heard that one

that's part of a medley

that as to now

I've only performed live

I've never recorded it

but I do a medley

where I take

a couple of different songs

right now it's um rappers delight right and then wu-tang clan ain't nothing to fuck with

and i'm about to add straight out of compton but all the lyrics are rewritten so that they're

either commercials for me or something about my life okay and uh so sean ward ain't nothing to

fuck with and all the rappers delight lyrics i rewrote and i'm gonna do straight out of compton

as straight out the comic books okay ah cool i like that very good touch there yeah i like that

very good idea that's very good people are gonna love it people are gonna learn to love it they're

They're going to have to deal with it.

They will love it, honestly and for real.

It's the future.

It is the future.

Well, yeah, let's get a call in here.

Let me go into the chat room that I was talking about earlier.

Excuse me.

If you want to join us here on the air, you can do so.

You want to call toll-free.

That's 1-888-278-8509.

Again, that's 1-888-278-8509.

And, Sean, do we need music?

Or you just want to do the clap, the support clap?

That's right.

Do we need any music?

Yeah.

Well, are we going to make a call right quick?

Yeah, we are.

I just got to activate the toll-free line for everybody.

Activate.

Participate.

Yes.

Get up in the shit.

Call in, damn you.

1-888-278-8509.

And the line is now open.

Milkman, of course, you're with us here.

Welcome on board.

Activate.

Participate.

Kick it here to real late.

Exactly.

If you're using AOL Instant Messenger, you want to hit us up at Madhouse Radio.

That's Madhouse Radio for AIM, AOL Instant Messenger, Yahoo, Instant Messenger, Madhouse, PCU Radio,

and MSN Messenger, Madhouse, PCU Radio at hotmail.com.

You can also email us with your numbers and call suggestions.

And girls can email us naughty pictures, too.

Yes, that too. As long as you're over 18, please have a valid picture ID visible so we can see that.

Yeah, in the photo. In the nudie photo.

Exactly.

Have a visible photo ID.

Or we will not consider you for the prize tonight.

That's right.

Just to let you ladies know and you guys that you're automatically disqualified, Milkman.

Well, basically, here's how it goes. We look at that picture, and if we don't see that ID, then we're not going to look at the picture.

We're not even going to look at the picture.

That's right.

We won't get anywhere near the waist at that point.

That's right.

No, it could be from up there.

I was cracking a joke and it fell sideways

And I ruined it

Yeah

Milkman's always so

Yeah

It's great

Bring them in baby

Matt is calling you

Scrod Ward

Who's calling me what?

Matt

He's calling me what?

Monkey phone man

Scrod Ward

Yeah

Well hey why not

Scrod Lee doing Scrod Ward

Well hey that's

That's how they say it over there

Where he lives in Pennsylvania

Well we got crazy people over there

That's why

We do

Oh yeah I had Lonesome Losers stuff over here

Do you need something or

Do I need something?

No, I'm having a look around because I'm in a new environment.

I'm still just getting used to the idea that I've been on a plane and I've gone for a ride

and I'm now in a different country and all that shit.

You've gone very far away.

You're in the subtropics, my man.

I'm in the subtropics.

I'm driving around in palm trees everywhere.

I come from West Wintertime.

No palm trees that up north, huh?

No, I don't think we've got any palm trees any further north than Windsor.

Windsor, Ontario.

Yeah, it's our GTA, man, you know, San Andreas and shit.

Hang on, we've got one here.

here. I think this is Canada.

Orleans, Ontario.

Yeah, Orleans, Ontario is near Ottawa.

Ottawa is the capital of our nation.

Okay, well, Lonesome Loser, we were talking about earlier.

We have Ray and Haysam Awad.

He's reporting they're

fucking assholes who support, run a bunch of

ad sites and spammers under their main site

clubadv.com.

Folks, that's clubadv.com.

Let's fuck with them.

Let's call them right now.

I guess they're supporting ad sites.

I'm going to have to fuck with them for sure.

The only spam I like comes in a can.

Yeah, where's the damn...

Fry that shit up, man.

You know, you got a couple slabs of bread toasted up.

Slather one side down with mayo and some hot sauce.

That sounds like a hell of a treat.

Yeah, I may be up there soon.

You do, man.

I may be at that point soon.

Don't make fun of me because I may be at that point soon.

All right, we're going to come up with some music here as we do that first call to these spammers, I suppose.

We'll be right back in just one moment.

You're listening to the Madhouse, 11.24 p.m. Eastern on PCU.

You got to do a code or a calling card or something?

Yes.

Did you pick this up?

I got a card for you, Carlito.

No de identificación personal no es válido.

$60.

161 minutes.

Can I speak with Hey Sam or Ray, please?

Who?

May I speak with Hey Sam or Ray?

Hey Sam?

I think you got the wrong number.

uh is this club bad to v.com is this the the the website people sir you got the the website

no no no i think you got wrong number one sir we're calling from the firmness of lily and

lily and taylor sir sorry firmness of lily and lily and taylor you're on conference call yeah

the matter that needs to be settled uh tonight and it needs to be settled tonight uh before uh

we can proceed otherwise the whole thing is uh coming down from the firmness of lily and lily

and taylor sir lily and lily and taylor yes lily and lily and taylor the law no we're calling from

the firmness of lily and lily and taylor from the furnace yes from the firm yes you've seen

our television commercial sir we have william shatner what do you want we have william shatner

sir as a as a spokesperson sir what we're calling because of the uh the situation involving the

The URL, the domain name, C-L-U-B-A-D-V dot com.

It's 11.30, my friend. We're sleeping here.

I know, but, sir, we've been over this, and this matter needs to get resolved tonight.

You just got to what?

My associate will explain a little further.

Yeah, you have a deposition set for 8 a.m. Eastern Standard Time tomorrow, sir,

and this is the last shot that we have here.

We're trying to come to a court.

If not, then it's going to go towards the judge tomorrow morning,

and it's a very serious situation with the ad sites.

I know you've received our correspondence.

Did we lose the caller?

I think we lost the caller.

Sir.

Hey, Sam.

Yeah, hey, Sam's got...

Hassim.

How do you pronounce it?

I don't know.

I would assume that it's Hassam.

Hassam.

Well, hey is in there, though.

That's not ha.

Hassam.

A-O-U-A-J-A-W-A-D, bitch.

Yeah.

Damn.

Yeah, hit off on the...

Oh, here we go.

Off.

Here we go.

Pow.

Like a fist to the fist.

Exactly.

That was a good try.

That was interesting.

He was a little belligerent, but we didn't get a fifth holy hug.

But that was a good call.

Good effort.

Thank you.

You came off really well as a...

What was it now?

It was the firmness of Lillian Lillian Taylor.

He was about to hang up to say that.

He's like, oh, the firmness?

He's like, what is this firmness you're talking about?

Anyway.

What's the firmness of Lillian Lillian Taylor?

Lonesome Loser has sent in High Maintenance Bitch as a member for a fashion for business.

girl's best friend oh i see a dog thing that's crazy uh we got a kristin tits a latina woman

who answered earlier that's in uh yeah called kim taint kim taint in california so she should

still be up all right we gotta ask her about the elusive taint i suppose see if she knows

anything about it all right folks here comes the next call we'll be right back after this

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

And their life is better than yours

Damn right

Yeah, that's good music

That's alright

Who sings this song?

That would be a good question

This is Crazy Bone right now

Crazy Bone

The number is not reachable with this card.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

The number is not reachable with this card.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

You have 296 minutes.

I was writing dirty yesterday.

Matter of fact, yeah.

People, Miss Taint, please.

Miss Taint?

Yeah, he's asleep.

No, Mrs. The Woman Taint.

The Woman Taint.

I was going to ask her, let me talk to the Taint.

I was going to tell her to put her phone down and entertain and see what she would say.

See if she knew.

Well, we got Robert Taint, though.

We can ask him the same thing.

Oh, hang on.

I really want to ask that question now.

I was like, this is going to be a great idea.

What did you think of that song?

That's a new song.

That was requested by Andy, our normal co-host.

I probably wouldn't listen to it on my own.

Really?

But it comes on now.

I got into it.

I was enjoying it.

Okay.

All right.

Well, we'll try this.

See how this works for you.

We'll be right back after this.

We're going to call Robert Taint now.

See if we can get that to work.

Please enter the number you wish to call

You have 293 minutes

We got a Bob team now?

Bobby team

We'll say Robert

What do you think?

Should I say Bob?

Robbie?

I was asking for Bobby

Hello

Hello, Bobby

Can I speak to Bobby, please?

You got the wrong number

No, I'm looking for Robert

Robert, ma'am.

Robert who?

Robert Taint.

Who is this, please?

This is Paul Jesus.

Well, Mr. Taint is not here right now.

He's in bed.

Why Taint he up?

I don't know, Paul.

He's not very well.

He Taint feeling so good?

No, who, who, what do you need to call him for?

Well, that's frankly a private matter between the Taint and myself.

Where do you know him from?

Personal, ma'am.

Personal or what?

Personal, between me and Bob.

Can you hold on a minute?

Of course, thank you.

That's a good woman.

Hello, Taint, you're sleeping?

Is your woman still on the phone?

I think she's still listening in.

No, she isn't.

Oh, good.

Okay, good.

So I can speak frankly.

I can, you know, use candor with you and I then.

Yes?

Yeah, what are you calling me at this time of the night for?

Well, it's private, sir, between you and I.

I don't even know...

Yeah, this is Paul.

I'm Paul.

You know me.

I don't know you.

This is Paul.

No, Bob.

Taint.

Taint, you believe me?

Taint, you remember?

Yes, he Taint.

That's kind of dumb.

That was just a James Bond line I just used.

Guess who tinked.

That's something Jace Bob would say.

Anyway, that was good.

That was interesting.

Way to go, Sean.

Well, thank you.

A little pause.

Interesting.

Milkman, any thoughts on that?

Will, is that to get your feedback afterwards?

The instant replay?

That was pretty good, man.

I was thinking it was going to be Paul Paulson, but that was a good one.

Well, I got two Pauls.

Yeah.

All righty.

Let's see here.

You have to do a Mabel tonight, man, Sean.

When that's ready to come along, it's going to come along big.

We should have Mabel call Nautica, you know?

That would be great.

Who's Nautica?

Nautica.

We call her Nautica.

After calling her Nautica for like a month straight, she finally corrected me and said,

first of all, if you know me, it's Nautica.

You can say Nautica the old Nautica.

And she's a rude, rude lady.

She's an escort.

What does she weigh?

200-some pounds or something like that?

I think.

Yeah, man.

She's like 5'3", 200-some pounds, I think.

Maybe MC Concept should call her.

MC, yeah.

There you go.

We should try it.

Yeah, man.

She's got a big rainbow ass and a whole rack and everything.

Hell, yeah.

What the hell is the Crazy Loon?

Crazy Loon in Minnesota?

Emmons, Minnesota, I guess.

Yeah.

Not Montana.

Probably a store or a restaurant.

Yeah, it's a bar.

It could be a bar.

All right.

I'm going to call that.

Well, actually, let me see here.

We got Mad Men has sent in a tomato tattoo.

I guess that's probably in Illinois.

We'll have to try that.

Yeah, Beach Boy, a.k.a.

That's California.

He's correcting me.

He's saying that was

Chameleon Air featuring

Crazy Bump.

That's right.

Yeah.

Chameleon Air.

Nothing like rappers

who just have to advertise

the fact that they're

bleeding rich.

You know what I mean?

But half the time they ain't.

Yeah.

I heard that they rent

all their stuff anyway.

Their jewelry's like

not layaway but they're

financing it a lot of times

and stuff.

They don't really get

that much money anyway

when they first come up.

All those videos are fake.

Those are all rented.

Yeah.

What do you expect?

Nobody asked me to try to call someone named Jess, but he didn't send me a number, so I guess not.

Not going to work.

Let's see.

Walnut has sent in a number for a Stacy Skank and a Lemon Harry.

Confirmed here in the last 15 minutes.

We'll have to give that a try pretty soon.

Yeah, you know what?

Tuck sent us something here that he wanted me to play.

Let's try that right now.

Word up.

Let's see what, uh, Tuck, Tuck, man, it has a title that's Quiet Mix, let's see what this is.

You're about to enjoy a very pleasant and a very beneficial experience.

Right.

Be sure that you will not be disturbed.

Okay.

Once we begin, you can help fast by remaining quiet and passing.

This is, seriously.

It's sitar.

Yeah, that is.

We're not thinking about anything else, we're not thinking about any kind of power,

We're not thinking about any of those kind of struggles. We're not thinking about the revolution or war or any of that.

That's not what we want. Nobody wants to get hurt. Nobody wants to hurt anybody.

We all can get along. We just gotta, you know, I mean, we're all stuck here for a while.

Let's, you know, let's try to work it out.

We'll keep this playing in the background.

Word up.

And let's just get a call in here.

That sounds great, Tuck. We're gonna keep it playing.

Where did Lonesome's numbers go?

the crazy loon coming up next hang on me and eric down in mexico two weeks ago we seen 40 of them

flying in formation they they they've got bases all over the world now you know they've been

coming here ever since 1946 when the scientists first started bouncing radar beams off of the

moon and they have been living and working among us in vast quantities ever since government

I don't even know what's all about.

Your balance is 287 minutes.

Your call cannot be suspended or dialed.

Please try your call again later.

Man, bitch.

I'm with you.

You have 287 minutes.

Mrs. Loon, Chaloon, Crazy, Crazy, I command you to speak.

In the name of Alexander Graham Bell, I command you to speak now.

This has worked before.

No, I guess not.

Nose dice tonight.

Well, I guess the Crazy Loon is not going to work.

That's the second try, so we have to discard that.

Sorry I loaded some loser, but nonetheless, a good try.

Kristen Titz.

And a Latina woman named Kristen.

I used to date her.

You used to?

Yeah.

Nice.

Why'd you guys break up?

Yeah, what happened?

She didn't have big tits.

Hi.

Her tits were too big for you?

Tits, Jesus, yeah, oh, man.

She's got double T's.

Double T's, she does.

No, she's got three T's, triple T's.

Three T's in her last name.

She is a T's.

Exactly.

I used to have to go and have her tailor her brassieres, man, to buy them for her.

Hell, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, great.

Well, we're like in a summer mood.

This is called Chris and Tits.

I don't know what's going on here.

Hang on, folks.

It's trading out of the print column.

For English, one, please enter your name.

Your balance is $2.85.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Hold on.

Yes.

No, we're on.

Yeah.

Do you want to talk to the audience?

Oh yeah, exactly.

What's he calling right now?

Kristen Titz.

Oh yeah.

Kristen Breasts.

Any second now.

Here we go.

I think Ghetto is one of the...

Hello?

Yes, Mrs. Titz?

Mrs. Titz?

No.

Who am I talking to?

Who do you want to talk to?

I'm calling from the attorney, the lawyer.

Tony, the lawyer?

Yes.

Tony, the lawyer.

Well, this is Jorge Estrella's house.

May I speak to Jorge, please?

Do you speak English?

No.

Who speaks English?

No.

No, I'm speaking in English.

Oh, what are you saying now?

¿Qué dice ahora?

No.

No, okay.

Goodbye.

Mexico?

What's the story?

Sí.

Where in Mexico?

¡Quédate, señora!

Hello, sir?

¿Cómo está?

Un hijo de la gran puta.

Cago en tu madre.

¿Qué dice?

¿Huh?

¿Qué dice?

I don't know.

My friend told me to say that.

My friend Hector.

He's right here.

Hello, this is Hector.

He said, me cago en tu madre.

Right?

¡Va!

Yo también me cago en la tuya.

What's that mean?

Hello, this is Hector.

No.

What did you say?

Yes, you speak English now. I command you to speak English.

I bet you if I was punching you in the face, you'd start speaking English.

I bet you'd say a lot of English.

You know what a Mexican and a Cuba all have in common?

The more you hit them, the more English you get out of them.

No, me talking you.

Si.

You pay taxes.

How many people live in your house?

¿Puede hablar después?

No, ahora.

No.

Carajo.

No son horas para hablar.

Bruto.

Conquistador.

Pile mierda.

I don't know what that means.

My friend told me to say it.

Please, say something.

Hurry.

Hello, sir.

Yes.

Shit.

Okay.

Adios.

Adios, cabrón.

Say goodbye.

I called him a fuck off and he says goodbye.

Great.

He's like, goodbye.

Thanks.

Thanks for waking me up.

Talking dirty to me.

All right.

Well, whatever.

That was a nice guy, I guess.

He has a good sense of humor.

He didn't laugh much, but he seemed to get a kick out of me insulting him over the phone repeatedly in Spanish.

True.

Yeah, yeah.

So what are your thoughts on the show so far?

We've done a lot of good talking, but not much in terms of breakthrough prank calls.

But that was interesting enough, I guess, a little Spanish for you.

Well, I mean, they've all been good.

They've all been very funny thus far.

But, yes, we're still looking for that one perfect one.

Yeah, exactly.

That's going to make it go down in history.

Yes, that's true.

That's true.

Yeah, I've got a pretty good number of listeners.

I've got my normal max, which is 60.

I've got 51 here and 9 there, equal to 60.

Isn't that great?

Word up.

Not bad, not bad.

Our competitor has 12.

So we're beating the competition.

Who's the competition?

I guess the only competition we'd have now would be Technofrag, who are friends of KDK.

So they could establish.

They don't know.

Never mind.

I didn't say that at all.

I didn't say anything because that would mean people will go to turn, find out.

Watch those numbers go up and I might go down.

Good to see this.

anyway uh kilifornia says he has something for a pre-outro well wow we got a new outro is playing

tonight you might have heard it if you listen during the day on tuesday but it'll make its

normal debut tonight um yeah the new outro for the madhouse that i made and it's not 100 we still

got some work to do on it but still nonetheless there you go uh let's call tomato tattoo would

it be tomato tattoo how do you say oh fuck where are you looking here red fruit tomato is what we

We say, well, yeah, we say tomato.

All right, good.

That's how you should say it.

And then they say tomato on TV.

Yeah, okay.

The only time anybody says tomato is when they're actually saying, oh, tomato, tomato.

Okay.

Yeah, exactly.

When they're making light of the whole whatever, just trying to be a dork then.

Yes.

When they're making light of the light.

Exactly.

That shines in the daytime.

Okay, good deal.

Psychic Chuck is sending me a clip that he promised.

Okay, that's a really funny prank call.

I think this might be it.

I don't know if this is.

There's a really prank call that's been on Howard Stern.

I'm serious that I'm trying to get it.

I think Psychic Chucks is going to try to get it for me.

Oh, good.

Maybe this is it.

Hopefully it is.

If not, then screw it.

Anyway, it's still there.

Yeah, let's play this, and we'll come back with the next prank call in just one moment.

Hang on, folks.

We're calling Tomato Tattoo.

Or English, fast one

For Spanish, more, please, more

Your balance is

$2.79

Please, more than the number you want to add

Le queda doscientos setenta y ocho minutos

The number you have reached

Area code

We'll see you next time.

and 79 cents please enter

yeah second attempt you have 278 minutes

i know for a fact i dialed it wrong now again

Stop trying to fight the real, just relax and let it go

Because there's no way you can fight it, though you'll still try

And you can try it till you fight it, but you'll still die

Your spirits leave your body and your mind clears

The rigor mortis starts to set, now you out of here

You start your journey into outer space

You see yourself in the light, but you're still feeling out of place

So you stand up and you go

And you see the ones you never learned

Make it, let it go, get up

If you ain't at peace with God, you need to patch it up

But if you're ready, close your eyes and we can set it free

Finally, whoa, that was loud, sorry guys

You have 278 minutes

That only took 4 minutes, seriously

The song played, complete hits, 4 minutes 32 seconds

Chicago

A loans number

Yes I should

You're right I should because those always work, those are confirmed

Actually he hasn't sent anything in recently

So we're a little dry on numbers right now

Oh bummer, oh we're dry all the time

Well, you know, if he's already called them,

that you're 99% guaranteed you're going to get something.

Yeah, exactly.

I can pull up his log here.

I have it open.

But anyway, if you guys want to reach us,

888-278-8509 is how you can get a hold of us here.

Phone in, fool.

Phone in, yeah.

That's what.

We usually have a lot of calls.

I haven't even tested it.

I think it's active.

I activated it.

I'm sure I did.

What was I looking for?

Lonesome Losers log.

I had it open, and I lost it right there.

Boom. View activity history.

Okay. This is not how I was

wanting to do it, but it'll work nonetheless.

Um, wow, see?

Got numbers from, like, let's see here.

Let's see here. Wabba. What's this you're looking at?

Um, this is activity history

between me and Lonesome Loser. I can actually pull up, like,

pretty much all the numbers you sent in.

Like, on a daily basis.

See, I'm trying to find something in the evening.

Would've been that Thursday or Friday

morning. Um,

okay, I guess this is from

two weeks ago. So, these are

companies that were still open at this time.

Right? Yeah.

Probably not.

Yogi Cyber Hub.

They're probably 24 hours. Where are they?

I don't know. Lake Forest, California. That's early enough

over there. What is it? 852?

Yeah, we could try. Trojan Horse

Limousine. Foreign guy

answered. That's the kind of company

you would think would be... If they were open at 927,

they should still be open, right? Yeah.

Trojan Horse Limousine. Alright, well, let's try it.

Yeah, let me play something that Sidekick Chuck is sending me related to Dr. Leggo or something or whatnot.

Let's see what this is.

You think it's talent to play Frankenstein?

Uh, excuse me?

You think it's talent to play Frankenstein?

Frankenstein?

It's all makeup and then gauntlet.

You got some nerve.

You do not deserve to smell my shit.

You got some nerve disturbing people like this.

Fuck you.

What the hell?

Fuck you.

You know what?

Fuck you.

Get a job.

Fuck you.

Get a job.

Fuck you.

That's great, yeah.

That's the call I was talking about.

I love that call.

That was Ed Wood.

Ed Woods.

This is Panty Raid.

Panty Raid?

Well, that's ass.

I called the wrong number.

Hello, we want a place and order.

Yeah.

Panty Raid?

Yeah.

Yes, please.

Raid up panties as soon as possible here.

It's practically a sausage party here right now.

It's getting warm.

And yeah, Panty Raid would really hit the spot right now, I think.

Thank you.

Talk to you soon.

1-800-MADHOUSE.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's hard to do a prank call show when I don't have numbers.

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, if you're on AOL Instant Messenger, reach me at Madhouse Radio

and send me a number or two or three so we can help you out.

And phone in, bitches.

Yeah, well, Joop tried to call in, and I guess that's when I was trying to call out,

and I hung up on him.

Well, Joop, call back.

I want to talk to Joop.

Yeah, hurry up and call back.

Sean needs to talk to you.

He's got something important to tell you.

Yeah, important.

Yeah, and, yeah, we've got three numbers now.

Jimi Hendrix in North Carolina.

Really?

And Gastonia.

I guess Tony's like ghetto, man.

Yeah, that's ghetto for real.

Well, the famous Jimi Hendrix is black, so maybe he's black, too.

Maybe there's two black people with the same name.

Yeah, both from North Carolina.

One guy's called Tyrone, another guy's called Tyrone, and they're both black.

Yeah, can you imagine that?

Exactly.

Yeah.

Not a lot of black Shons, though.

Jay-Z is a black Shon.

That's true, Sean Carter.

P. Diddy is a black Shon.

Yeah.

Okay, well, there you go.

You got two already, so there you go.

We also have a Stacey Skank and a Lemon Harry.

I don't know about that.

You know, a lot of people put those fake numbers in phone books, you know, just as a joke.

Have you ever heard about that?

Like, they'll be like, I've seen Stinky Pits and stuff like that.

Never heard of it.

So, anyway, I love that prank, though.

I'm so happy I'm going to play it over and over again tonight.

Yeah.

After the show.

And I've got an interview tomorrow, too.

Who did that prank?

I don't know.

I know they've been playing it on Howard a lot.

I don't know who submitted it in to them.

I think they're telling me that Dr. Lego did it.

This is a Legosi prank, so anyway, that's good.

I'll play that at the end of the show again.

And alas, let's see who this is.

I thought I was getting a fucking message.

Hey, man.

Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah, that message is picking up.

Oh, that's not a good thing.

Damn it, I've got to shut that off.

Crap.

Well, thanks for letting me know about that.

Hey, so how are you doing, Jupe?

How's it going, man?

I'm doing terrific, and yourself?

And Sean Ward, how are you guys doing tonight?

Sean who?

Yeah.

Sean Ward?

What?

Yeah.

Oh, Sean Ward.

Yeah, yeah, Sean Ward.

Yeah!

Yeah, what's up?

Yeah!

Yeah. So you're excited about your day, your night so far? How's the show going? I know the show's been dragging ass kind of, huh?

I don't know. I was studying for a while.

The people love it. They've been feeling good about it.

Yeah.

And Joop, what are you studying for?

I'm studying for music theory.

Why?

My finals.

So, yeah. What's that?

Yeah. Music theory, it's like...

No, what's finals?

You learn about finals. When you finish the course, you take an accumulative test.

Why?

On the stuff you've learned.

Why?

To test your knowledge.

Oh.

I don't know.

Good.

Because, yeah.

Yeah, that's good.

They ought to do that.

And you're going to take one of these?

Yeah, I took two today and I'm taking four tomorrow.

Where are you going to take it?

School.

Oh, well where is it now that you have to take it to school?

No, no.

I take my books and shit home.

Yeah.

I study from the books and then I go to school and I take the test.

But where do you take it?

At school.

school. But where is it that right now that you need to take it to school? Yeah. I'm just

fucking with you, dude. Jupe, this question, this totally makes sense. No, it totally doesn't

make sense. I'm following you 100%, Sean. I don't know about you, Jupe, but maybe you

should really lay off the books for a little bit because your brain's a little fried. Are

you okay? Have you been hitting that or anything like that tonight? Oh, I've been hitting the

books. Oh, good. That's all I've been hitting. Get a good education, son. Getting high off

of education. Off of knowledge. That's the best high you can get. Getting high off of

Hey, drugs are bad, man.

I choose to get a natural high off of...

Yeah, off of learning.

Caffeine.

Legal high off of caffeine.

No, no, a natural high off of the joy of learning.

Hey, don't be afraid to fake an appendix burst for some pain meds.

I've been there before, Sean.

I know you've done that twice, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, it works every time.

You got it.

Who would have known that I actually had two appendixes?

I don't know whether they took out the first.

That's probably why I'm diabetic

They probably took out my pancreas

Yeah, they should stop doing that

They should not do that

But hey, I needed pain meds

It was worse

Worst comes to worst

You know, you gotta fake an injury

Yeah

Yeah, Jupe

Yeah, I don't know what you guys are fucking talking about

Jupe's like there

La la la

I don't know

We're talking about prank calls, baby

What do you think about that?

Hey, do you want to call Jupe?

No, go ahead

Tell us what you think about it

And we'll continue

Oh, I think

I think that sounds like a fantabulous idea

And I'm

I'm ready

and I'm pumped for it.

Okay, great.

Well, that's a great attitude to have.

We have Jimmy Hendrix in North Carolina, Gastonia, North Carolina,

which is a great name for a town, Gastonia.

Then you have Lemon Harry also in New York,

and you have a Stacey Skank in Montana.

Oh, yeah.

I'd like to call Stacey Skank,

but there's a number I'd like to send you later on.

It's the number for a gay retarded kid at my school.

What happened to him?

His name's Travis, but he calls himself T-Rap.

He calls himself T-Rap.

He's like extremely retarded.

Does he rap?

T-Rap.

That's his name.

But does he rap?

Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

So that's where he gets the name from.

Yeah.

That's why he gets off calling himself T-Rap.

Because he raps.

He raps.

And also because rap is his last name.

Oh.

Oh, okay.

We should start calling him The Trap.

We totally should.

We should ask for Trap Boy.

Trappy.

Okay.

Well, where's the trap?

Yeah.

You know, T-Rap.

Yo, T-Rap.

We need T-Rap on the record.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Gotcha.

All right, so, Sean Ward, you're going to have to hang up your phone real quick.

Okay.

And then we're going to be right back with Joop, and we're going to call Stacy Skank.

We'll be right back in just a moment.

And I have nothing that I can play.

I'll have to play this again.

Hang on, guys.

Let me try to get something else.

Can I help you?

Accepted.

Want a call?

Accepted.

He's not home right now.

He's at work.

Would you like to leave a message?

That lamey cocksucker can rot in hell for all I care.

Excuse me?

You wish to call.

Okay, let's see if it works this time.

No, that's like the fourth time it's played.

You have 272 minutes.

You can get back on too, Sean.

I hear fire.

Something's burning.

Milkman's on fire. Milkman.

We forgot about Milkman. He lit himself on fire in protest.

Hello? Hey, Space.

Yes. How are you feeling tonight,

sugared leg? Okay. Who is this?

You know who I am.

No, I don't. Haven't you heard of me before?

I'm the most famous.

I was totally going to jump in, too.

Oh, man. We could try again.

Let's wait for the bitch to come back.

Well, this one doesn't do it.

You want to try again, or you want to hit Jimi Hendrix up?

We'll call Jimi Hendrix.

Okay.

What are you going to ask him for?

I don't know.

Huh?

Look, man, I thought you were burning yourself.

What happened?

What are you doing over there?

It sounds like you're playing with cellophane or something.

Jimmy Hendrix is my man.

He's going to ignore it.

He always does that.

R. Kelly is my man.

That means I like girls young.

18 to 23, black and white girls come.

Oh, we have some dude named Patrick.

He's 18 from Montreal, Quebec, Canada.

And he plays bass and has a girlfriend lives with his dad mom and sister fuck him around. I guess fuck around with him

What you want really? Oh?

Okay, I call him. Yeah, sure. You know what I talked to his mom on Tuesday afternoon, and she freaked out on me

I remember this bitch again

Patrick and he's 18 he lives in Montreal

Montreal plays in a band and he plays in a band so and he has a girlfriend and he lives with his dad mom and sister

So there you go. He lives in MC. Yeah, that's right, okay, Sean

Sean, are you hanging up your phone so I can click over?

Okay.

You mean he still lives with his mommy and daddy?

I believe so.

And he's 18?

Imagine that.

Milkman, how old were you when you got kicked out of the home?

You guys pick up, dude.

You're very, very short.

Just white, blank, man.

I have no idea who you're talking about.

I don't know.

I don't know who you're talking about.

I know nobody by the name Prank, whatever.

Prank something.

Prankmaster.

Who?

Prankmaster.

I don't know. Seriously, I don't know what you guys are talking about.

I'm gonna take a dump on his chest, I swear to fucking God, Carlito.

Well, good luck with you. Don't make me come over there.

I don't know who he is. I just, I don't know who this prank master is.

Who is this going around saying he's...

I don't know, if any of us are prank masters, it's either me, Sean, or KDKA.

Maybe Zola.

What about, what about, what about me, man?

What about me?

Well, yeah, but...

Okay, so you're not...

You're good, but you can't fly like that.

Yeah, exactly. See, just what Sean said.

Yeah, you gotta, you don't, yeah, well, you had your...

When is he going to have his own show?

Yeah, when are you coming back, man?

What's going on?

Katie Kate doesn't like me.

Okay.

Oh, he likes you.

This is emotional.

We get like that sometimes.

It's okay.

I'm sure you've gotten mad and punched your brother in an accident.

Something like that, all right?

No, no, I'm a very docile person.

If anything, Matt's the more angry one.

Oh, that's too bad.

We'll pray for him, okay?

Yeah, let's pray and hold our hands and sing to...

Well, in that vein, we're coming with you with some 2 Live Queer, everybody.

it will be two live crew will be with more jupe more pranks more make it get a table dance more

sean ward uh no no no you know i should get that's what chris rock i gotta get that put

that on my list sean write that down shake it up shake it up that thing classic all right

200 patrick there who's calling this is marky okay one minute what put patrick on i got to

speak with him patrick one minute trick i need to speak with you trick i need to speak with

It's Patrick.

Oh, you have the wrong number.

No, I don't.

Liar.

You got the wrong fucking number.

Who'd you go talk to then just now?

Yeah, you just said one minute.

What, are you lying to my son?

My grandson?

Yeah, I'm not gay.

Bitch.

Why don't you go get Patrick and be a good little woman, alright?

Yeah, make me up some apple, apple crimpets.

Crimpets.

Crumpets.

Yeah, bro.

Don't forget my party date.

Yeah, or a Betty.

What's that called?

Dirty Betty.

Yeah.

Old Betty.

What happened to Patrick?

Hey, woman.

Don't make me smack you upside the head, woman.

You should.

You deserve it.

Hang up, son.

Classic madhouse manner.

I always end up fucking up with Joop.

I never correctly end a call when he calls in.

I always end up hanging up an accident on him like a thousand times, and it never works out.

Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry, Joop.

Honestly, God bless him.

I always say that, and he always gets mad.

Sorry about that.

Back in.

This is Joop's new theme song.

Hey, you think you're all slick hanging up on me?

Hey, that was an accident, okay?

Just relax.

All right.

All right, then.

Well, hey, that was a good try.

I don't know.

Nobody wants to talk tonight.

It's like a horrible prank call show.

This is not going as well as I expected.

No, it's not.

It's not horrible.

It's just getting better and better.

Yeah, exactly.

I think I just need to take a breather.

I got to take a break.

I got to walk a little bit.

You know what I mean?

Walking and talking.

Drink some water.

Get another beer.

Stuff like that.

Walking and talking and body rocking.

Exactly.

Great dancing, you know?

Milkman, what are you doing there, man?

Man, I'm having sex with a frog.

You're having sex with a frog?

He licked the frog, licked the frog, though.

That's the thing.

He's coming into a prince.

Yeah.

Oh, you get warts.

One of the two.

Either way, you're a winner.

This frog, he gots polka dots all over himself.

You'll be a prince.

You will be a prince, a rich prince, but you will have general warts.

Would you do it still?

Man, I already got some.

I don't even...

I don't want no damn general warts.

Okay.

What the hell Prankmaster has?

So it's like plus ten.

Okay.

You know?

All right, I got you.

All right, well...

You heard that call last week, didn't you, Carlito?

Well, I'm going to go get a drink, and you take your little break, you poop.

Okay, we'll do that, and we'll catch you on the flip.

Well, thank you very much for calling in, sir.

Good luck on your finals and everything, you know.

There it is.

Thank you.

That was mildly amusing.

Well, great.

Well, thanks for being on.

It's always a pleasure.

Bye.

Yeah.

Well, yeah.

Well, that was Joob, everybody.

Joob, the prodigy.

That's what I like to call him.

What are you doing back there?

It sounds like you're opening tons and tons of CDs or something.

What's going on?

I just got done opening a bag of Doritos.

God, you're making enough noise.

You sound like Frank.

Frank Master sent me a bag of Doritos.

Oh, great.

Great.

Did you check them?

They may be laced with something?

No, actually, they were compliments of him.

you know since uh you know he does work for the doritos company and has you know doritos zolars

attached uh tattooed on his cheeks okay well there it is yeah i feel your pain milkman and

i feel your strength thank you well milkman you just hang on tight and you have fun with that i

just scared the cat with my coffin um i'm gonna take a quick break yes i'm gonna take a quick

break for myself sean feel free to go outside and you know do whatever you need to do word up

Yeah, everybody, we'll be right back

It's now 12.15, it's Friday

So guess what, you made it to the weekend as I say always

But it doesn't matter because I don't fucking work right now

But yeah, we'll be right back

In about 5-6 minutes

You're listening to The Madhouse

Live on PCU

Punk ass

Yeah

Yeah, hey Milkman

Yeah man

For more Madhouse, right after this

yay we are back congratulations everybody made it to the break i didn't get my hair cut before

i came down i was gonna get a haircut before i came down to florida and i didn't get a haircut

this is a fat ass place you can get your hair cut tomorrow if you want man maybe just get my

name shaved in my head in the back sw that's right so people come over to my table i look

at them and i get their attention and when they look at me i go like flip my head around show

Show them my emblem in the back of my hair.

Exactly.

SeanWard.com.

SeanWard.net even.

That'd be even better.

There's this place you can get your hair cut here.

Like, they got TV screens everywhere, and it's hot chicks that cut your hair for you.

Ooh.

Yeah.

That's fun.

And you get a free drink when you come in and everything.

Holy shit.

I can take you there tomorrow if you want.

I'll go next door to the cigar bar and buy a cigar.

Anyway, well, if you need, like I said, if you need a haircut, we can go.

Well, if I need a haircut, I'll go.

All right.

Fine.

Fuck it.

with the El Presidente and the E-Bot.

Exactly.

I've got to get a mac and noodle or something.

I don't know.

So, Milkman, you're with us, too.

That's great.

So what was the name of that burger that I had?

Was it a Rancho?

No, a Rodeo Cheeseburger?

The Burger King Rodeo Cheeseburger.

Yeah, I had the first one tonight.

Who out in that PCU land had the Rodeo Cheeseburger?

Yeah, exactly.

Let us know.

Call us here at 888-278-8505.

Milkman, are you laughing because you had the Rodeo Cheeseburger?

I like them root-o-cheese burgers, man.

I'm telling you, why don't they teach you good?

You had one then.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, they're delicious.

The barbecue sauce was a bit much, but I like the rest of the whole idea with the onion rings on the sandwich and shit.

Well, it's like you get two or three onion rings, right?

They throw in some onion rings.

You know what?

I have an idea.

I think I went to Burger King yesterday.

I think it was a conspiracy where they intently put in an extra small little onion ring every time you get fries there sometimes during the day.

Good.

To kind of give you a taste of if you're missing out on this onion ring next time you should have gotten onion rings.

You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, probably.

Well, also, they're so close to each other that it's reasonable to think that onion rings do fall in with the fries are.

Yeah, but it happens all the time.

That's a bonus.

It's such a nice surprise when you get that.

It's kind of like the fortune cookie after you eat your Chinese.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, sometimes I like to tell them, hey, if you want to accidentally spill some fries on the bottom of the bag, don't worry.

You can.

Exactly.

And sometimes they catch on and you get extra fries.

You get a little winky.

Exactly.

Yeah, those fries at the bottom of the bag are always a nice surprise.

So you think you're dumb, and then you reach in there,

and you get a nice amount of fallen fries, I call them, or bottom bag fries.

Yeah.

Anyway.

It could be worse.

Have you ever done where, like, you thought you were finished,

and you reached down to the bottom of the bag and found a turd?

No, not yet.

Oh, they do that in Canada all the time.

Really?

No, they don't.

They call them logs.

They don't do that.

I'm making up stories again.

Oh, okay.

You guys are a funny lot.

You know, you've got the kids in the hall thing.

How's that cherry working for you?

Okay.

It's working fine.

I'm just making this so I can spin around.

I'm spinning around in the studio, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah, great.

Sitting in the studio, spinning in a chair.

Apparently in Canada they don't have spinny chairs, so he's throwing them.

No, in Canada we don't have as much room because, ladies and gentlemen, the dude lives in a

big joint, and I'm not used to just having this much room to move.

And also, I've been on a plane for several hours in airports and carrying heavy boxes

around terminals.

Yeah, so that'll do it.

I've been at airports from 2.30 this afternoon until we got here, and that was, what, like

10 o'clock or something?

Just about, yeah.

Yeah.

How are your ears, by the way?

You unpopped?

Better, better.

Yeah, they've come back down to earth.

Good.

You got to chew that gum.

Remember that.

Take some gum with you on your way back.

That's what I'm going to do.

Yeah, and once you hear that boom and they start descending, that's when you start chewing

your gum.

Hell yeah.

Because that boom means that they're getting ready to depressurize because they're going

back into the atmosphere.

Uh-huh.

And it's that time between the fluctuation when they depressurize and they're going back

to regular pressurized atmosphere that your ears pop.

Oh.

If you have a good pilot, it won't happen, but normally you're going to get a little bit of poppage.

Well, it was a lot of poppage today.

All right, good.

Well, and we talked about the physics behind ear popping when you're on a plane.

So now everybody out in PCU land knows the truth.

Who are we going to call now?

Let's call somebody.

Thank you for moving us on.

Let me do a call.

I'll take the reins.

Okay, we've got a Hell No Anis.

Hell No.

Hell No Anis.

Okay, let's call him up.

All right, and Oregon.

Oregon, that's too close to Oregon.

hell no anus hell no anus where is my goddamn i gotta find a song to play dude yeah yeah what

was wrong with the one you had on okay do i have you like that now

well i liked it before too you know what's sad all i have is the instrumental of that

That's right.

That's what it was on.

You want the instrumental?

Okay, sure.

We'll continue the instrumental.

There we go.

All right, well, we'll wrap up now.

We're right back with Hell No Anus, whatever, after this.

Oh, no.

Like I said.

Oh.

Like, just like you said, hell no.

This guy wants me to call that Patrick guy.

His mother talked to his mother this time and told her,

I think she said, you want to fuck her?

She gets very uncomfortable when someone talks about sex or anything.

So, yeah, most normal women would get uncomfortable with a man calling at 1230.

He's like, since you're offering, sure.

I mean, God, maybe when I was 13 did I think things like that actually happened.

I could call some lady and be like, yeah, I want to bang you.

What's your address?

Oh, sure, Mr. Stranger.

Come on over.

Okay.

Anyway.

Who are we calling next?

Good idea.

We should continue.

Dixie Beaner.

Yeah.

Good enough.

I like businesses.

as I do best with businesses, sir.

Or, Milkman, you got international numbers, don't you?

Anytime you guys want to dial them, man, I've got that card.

I've got international access.

Yeah, exactly.

We can always call Britain, you know.

Are we still a British subject?

Take me clear.

No, no.

We have the queen as a figurehead.

What do you have?

What?

Our man, the confirmer, the call confirmer, man,

And to call and get us some numbers for Australia, mate.

Because we've got plenty of time to call there.

And right now it's about 3.30 in the afternoon tomorrow.

Well, that's perfect.

Look at that.

We'd be communicating with the future.

Would that make us not?

Don't fuck with us, man.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, we could fuck your day.

Back to the future, man.

Exactly.

Just like that.

I'm going to get my car and I'm going to go 10 miles an hour.

Yeah, I think Lonesome Loose is probably a little busy.

So that's okay if you can't confirm that.

And like I said, I can get into his logs here.

I had it up here earlier.

I just didn't really pay attention.

Hang on.

Let me try that.

No, I did it wrong.

I can get into his log.

Anyway, yeah, let's try this next one.

Dixie, I guess Dixie Beaner or Don Shedder.

Oh, Brenda and Don Shedder.

That was confirmed more recently.

Yeah.

That's a better idea.

All right, we'll be right back, folks.

Hang on.

You have 263 minutes.

Good.

What are you calling?

Are you calling Dixie?

I'm calling the Shedders, Brenda and Don.

Hello?

Yes, is this the Shutter residence, please?

It is.

I'm sorry, I asked that totally wrong.

Excuse me.

Is this the Shutter residence?

Can I ask who's calling?

Yes, my name is Bruce, and I'm calling from the Homeowners Association.

Do you know that it's after 9 o'clock?

Yeah, but according to the contract we have here with your dues,

we're allowed to call you all the way up until 1 a.m.

Where's that written at?

That's in, let me see here, Article 13.

It's about two-thirds down the page over there.

There, you see where it says, no loud parties past 12 p.m. without written permission.

That's right.

I'm sure you see it here, the addendum that we passed around last week.

What are you talking about?

Okay, well, regardless, I'm calling from the Homeowners Association.

We have to have a talk.

About what?

About the length of your grass is way too high.

And I don't know if you have the dog or if your neighbor or someone else or it's a stray dog.

Excuse me, what address do you think you're calling?

We don't have a dog, and our grass is about an inch high.

Well, it must be your neighbor's, but you're allowing him to go and use and doing a number two in your front lawn,

and it smells spilling over to your neighbor's.

You're at 1135 Laurel.

There isn't even a dog around here.

Well, it's either a rat, maybe.

Are you just a complete idiot?

It might be.

Excuse me, ma'am, please.

Now, we can have you shut down.

We are the Homeowners Association.

I hope you understand.

We can really ruin your day.

The Homeowners Association of what?

The Homeowners Association of Laurel Street.

Really?

What's your name?

My name is Bruce.

And where do you live, Bruce?

I live at 1200 Laurel Street.

I'm here at the headquarters.

Now, don't try coming over here now because it's way too late for you to be coming over here now.

I didn't even get that.

Would you like to come over to my house?

What, now?

You're a complete idiot.

We don't have a dog.

We don't have tall grass.

Okay, bitch.

I don't know who you think you're calling.

I don't know if it's maybe a raccoon that lives somewhere, but there's a smell of excrement.

Now, when's the last time you had your septic tank cleaned?

Well, we're on the city sewer, so probably never.

Well, I don't know if you remember, but the newsletter that went out last week,

the city sewer is no longer running.

Everybody had to convert over to the septic system as of January 1, 2006.

So that's probably what the problem is.

Now, you understand your house right now is literally under a subterranean lake of shit and piss.

I mean, you're in danger of your house sinking into this bog of excrement.

Uh-huh.

And that's probably what the problem is, ma'am.

You really should get this looked at immediately.

Uh-huh.

I suggest you not call this phone number again.

Not for only $12.99.

I can come over and take care of that problem for you real quick with all those pipes of yours.

I got the 9-inch pipe snake.

Work guarantee my performance.

That's him right there.

His name is Pipe Snake.

Pipe Snake.

Ooh, I heard a beep.

That's scary.

Are you done, Shedder?

I think we lost sugar.

Okay.

That was pretty funny.

That's my new thing I call saying I'm from the Homeowners Association, and people are like, what?

Like, that's the best concept ever.

And if they ask me, I'll say, yeah, the Appleton way.

Anyway, if Homeowners Association is up there in Canada, you know what that is about?

No.

Like, here there's an association in charge of all the homes in this area where I live right now.

Yeah.

And they call the shots of, like, if you were in a, you have to pay them an amount every month,

but they're in control of enforcing that your lawn can't be so high.

And what happens if you leave your lawn too high?

I think they fine you or something.

How do they have the authority to fine you if you own the joint?

I have no idea how it works.

It's like this weird little hierarchy that's crept into everyday America now.

I don't know.

Yeah, if it was up there, I wouldn't pay it.

I hate it.

Yeah, that's stupid.

Yeah, Milkman, go ahead, man.

What's up?

I've got a live number here just confirmed, man.

I'll send it to you.

Okay.

Australia, mate.

Australia?

Okay, yeah, we'll switch over to your card, actually.

Let me look at the chat and see if anybody's saying anything nice about us.

Nothing really.

I guess the buffer up higher.

Looks like everybody cool is in our group here,

and only the nerds are just kind of down there.

I don't know what's going on.

I don't know.

We'll continue.

The numbers are still strong, so why not continue?

Sean, you still have gas?

You're feeling this stuff?

Yeah, for real.

Yeah, keep it coming.

I'm ready for the next call.

Okay.

How is he here, man?

Let's see.

That's all steady.

Well, Lonesome, he's saying that he's trying to confirm business numbers,

but a lot of people aren't even answering, even on the West Coast,

and that's weird.

It's only 934.

but I've got a cool

I've got my agent

over there, one of the agents for the

madhouse, scouting

out numbers right now as we speak

worst case scenario

is you start calling 24 hour

stores in the neighborhood

we've got a McDonald's in Australia

and I've also got cool cocktails or something

Queensland, cool cocktails

let me see if I can work

this out here, I'm not even playing music right now

but yeah

Yeah, if you want to call in, you can reach us at 888-278-8509.

And you'll be live on the Madhouse.

Yeah, and you don't even have to pay anything, man.

It'll be a cheap ass.

You're just sitting there, you know, contributing.

Oh, jeez.

I keep messing you up.

Oh, hell no, Anus.

It's a horrible night.

It's a horrible, horrible night.

Let's play this.

We'll be right back, folks.

Yeah.

Now, somebody's watching me.

The government's watching me.

You don't have the IRS over there.

We got Revenue Canada.

That's a nice name.

You see, that's very non-threatening sounding.

I'd like to pay taxes to Revenue Canada.

It sounds like a corporation, a nice friendly one.

I think I doubt that.

Hey, Milkman, you sure about that card number you sent me?

Yeah.

You want the card again?

Yeah.

I'll send you the card again, bro.

Okay, hang on.

I might have missed out.

Bro-ham, bro-ham.

In a second, I will start prank calling you.

To me, I always feel like somebody's watching me.

Hey, that one you sent me is Dave.

Damn, I like his name.

That's Rockwell or something.

This is One Hit Wonder with Michael Jackson.

No, this ain't Michael Jackson.

Everybody thinks it's Michael Jackson in this song.

It's not.

The bridge is Michael Jackson.

No, it's not.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, man.

We got eight.

Listen.

The guy did it to try to capitalize on the success of the killer.

Hello.

Hello, Mike.

What?

Milken, what?

I'm sorry.

What, Milken?

Go ahead.

Hey, listen.

We've got Dream World Theme Park.

Dream World Theme Park.

Dream World in Australia?

Did you tell me you want to go in as your own character called Willie the Jackass?

Yeah.

Milkman, that card number you're sending me is dead.

It says no insufficient funds available in my account.

Are we still on the air?

Yeah, we are.

Oh, good.

I'm just keeping us talking because we're not even...

What the heck are you talking about?

Yeah.

I got your brand new car now, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

About time.

I don't really give a shit, but seriously, I love Milkman.

Yeah.

Walnuts is also sending in numbers also.

Yeah, he's got a Peter Balzac.

It's confirmed.

Wow, man.

Man, we got a room full of cool people and a couple of turds.

This is all right.

Okay.

Okay, here we go.

Just scratch, man.

You just scratch.

Okay?

Still don't have it.

Well, good.

Someone's calling to save us.

Thank God someone's calling in.

You're in the madhouse.

Go ahead.

How are you?

Fine.

Mr. Wilkerson, was it now?

Bernie.

Amber, no.

You see my little girl.

Sean, she went.

Okay.

Sean, what do you make of this?

I can't understand what our friend is saying.

I don't either.

I know he said an Amber Alert and some girl's name and something about a canoe.

Right.

Is that right?

Okay, well, thank you, Shonda.

Well, that was a good attempt, but, yay, thanks for calling in.

I appreciate it.

And if you want to call in, you can call the number.

Yes, the number is 888-278-8509.

Okay, so you're saying that that last song, The Rockwell and Michael Jackson,

that's not actually Michael Jackson.

That's not Michael Jackson, no.

The guy freely admitted when that was a hit that that's him.

Wow, what an ass.

He was trying to capitalize on Thriller.

You know, Thriller was huge.

Okay, all right.

Yeah, because everybody tells me, oh, really, it was Michael Jackson and this and that.

Yeah, well, Brandon Vegas is disputing that, I guess, Thriller.

I don't know how I feel about that.

I don't know about that one either.

That's a little too, I don't know.

We'll go there.

Too mish-mashed is what it is.

Okay, Mr. Alcoholics saying that this is the other Sean.

Sean, that's the other Sean.

Do you know who the other Sean is?

What other Sean?

I don't know.

He says this is the other Sean.

He says, tell Sean this is the other Sean with a U.

Sean from Canada?

I guess.

Yo, it's Sean.

What's the nickname?

Mr. Alcoholic.

Oh, okay.

No ideas.

I think I know who it is.

Okay, well, he's saying hi, and he has numbers for you.

Well, tell him to give us the numbers.

Yeah, give us the numbers, Mr. Alcoholic, for sure.

Yeah, give us the numbers.

The chat room over there, kdkprankcalls.com.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's where you need to be.

That's what everybody I know is.

Live from Orlando, Florida, bitches.

We don't have much in terms of prank calls.

And we got the crocodile hunter here also coming in.

That's right.

Did you give me that phone card yet?

I see it, yeah.

Okay, there we go.

Okay.

All right, cool guy.

Calm down, calm down.

Oh, yeah, Mabel.

Why you gonna let you and that Mabel down?

Damn, I love Mabel.

Where is Mabel at anyway?

I haven't heard her yet.

We haven't had the appropriate call yet.

That's right.

We haven't had shit for calls.

Who's calling in?

I don't know.

Someone's interrupting. Oh, no one's calling in. It's rawway NJ. Yeah, I don't know anybody from our way

Hello, hello, I do. Okay you how you to do

Why why you need how I hope to help you?

I need some time. You need some nine-year-old

You need to you need to watch I need some talking cat. So don't carry don't know

No, I saw the dog I got.

You have commerce on your cheek?

Hold on, I get my wife.

Okay.

Hello, could I help you?

Ah, hello.

Who am I speaking to?

This is Ron and David.

I don't know who you think you is,

throwing me and being silly on the telephone line.

Who do you think you is harassing me on the telephone?

I'll tell you Mabel, you got a retarded boy on the phone, and I think you might have to hang up on him, cause the boy got about the IQ less than a shoe.

Can I hear, who would this boy be a prank master?

What you need, what you need boy?

Why don't you take your phone out of here, I should sniff it.

I'm trying to listen to the boy speak, what you need boy?

Hey, you fool.

I'm going to ask you a couple questions.

Well, ask me whatever you want to know.

How big is your badonkadonk book?

My book?

What are you asking my book?

What book are you speaking of?

Do you have a badonkadonk book?

How are you going to speak to me this week?

I think you're deranged.

I think you've got problems with your thinking.

You're going to call up and speak to me this week.

Adam, there are two rules before you can get back into our good graces.

Number one, you have to get a new job and prove it.

And number two, you have to come up with a better name than Prankmaster

because you can't be called that anymore on PCU.

Bye-bye.

Nah.

Fuck your name.

Yep.

Nah.

Well, you can't call him as Prankmaster anymore,

or she had to come up with a more appropriate nickname for herself.

Is that simply because he's not the prank master?

How about Pedo Master?

Piss Master, Pedo Boy.

I don't care.

Piss Boy, Pedo Master.

How about McKinney Suck Boy?

Suck you.

How about, yo, let's have a battle.

There we go.

We're going to have a battle for the team right now.

What's happening there?

Every time I look in the chat room, you keep getting the same.

What's wrong with you?

You keep your little nickname up there.

How about we do this?

Prank Master, we'll have a battle right now.

Now, whoever does the better prank gets to use that name.

And if you do a better prank than me, then you're the master and you can use that name.

But if I win, you can't never touch that name again.

Wow.

This is great as balls.

I'm going to have a pick-off right now.

What do you say there, Slim?

All right.

I think he's fingering his ass over.

We'll go one for one.

No two out of three should.

Okay, well, here.

We're going to call the Pizza Hut in Australia.

No way is no fucking Australia calling it.

I'll even let him have the first pick of his calls.

Do you want to call Pizza Hut, or do you want to call Three Monkeys Coffee and Tea House?

You want to call Retards?

Three Monkeys Coffee and Tea House.

Okay, he picks the Three Monkeys Coffee and Tea House.

He picks the Three Monkeys Tea House.

Yes, all right.

Milkman, don't worry.

It'll all work out in the end.

Don't worry.

It's like an episode of, I don't know, of The Cosby Show.

Yeah, exactly.

In the end, it all works out, so we don't have to worry about that.

Yeah, we'll be right back after this.

Hang on, folks.

Yeah, I got to hang up, right?

Yes.

Good idea.

I lose.

I forget things.

Adam, are you there?

Yeah.

Smokeman, are you there?

Yeah, I'm on a bar.

Three Monkeys, West End, Solana.

Yes, Three Monkeys?

Yes, that's right.

Can I have any bananas?

Like banana tea, banana coffee?

No, we have banana smoothies.

Banana smoothie?

Mm-hmm.

Would you be able to mix some tea with the banana smoothie?

Some what, sorry?

Can you add some tea into the banana smoothie?

Sure.

Sure? Okay.

Okay, um, and then can we, uh, do, like, an animal?

I'm gonna do a banana smoothie animal to you.

You think that'll be good?

Are you cool with that?

Sure.

Sure, we could do a banana, but a tea banana animal, okay?

Sorry, can you repeat that?

I said we're gonna do a banana, uh, banana tea smoothie animal.

We're gonna take that and basically, uh, shove it into a tube into your ass.

Is that okay?

Does that sound good?

I think you might enjoy that.

Can you repeat that?

We're gonna do a banana smoothie tea animal.

We're gonna shove it up your ass, okay?

That sound good?

No, it doesn't sound good.

I think you can jam it up your own ass.

Oh, I think I can jam it in your nose.

He told you.

Okay, so that's his entry.

Exactly.

So now Sean Ward will go.

That's right, now I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna call Pizza Hut.

Alright, hang on, folks.

We're losing music.

Current balance will allow you to talk for 4 hours, 13 minutes, 48 seconds.

All right, here we go.

Frank, master, you're there also.

Post, right?

Calling Pizza Hut around the hills.

This is Jenna.

How can I help you?

Yeah, how you doing, baby?

Hello?

I'm very well.

All right, you guys order pizza, right?

You need to order from 3892-1-1.

No, no, no, no.

You ordered pizza, right?

I ordered pizza.

pizza? Yeah. Nice. Well, no, I was in there when I was at the table. You were what, sorry? I came in,

I was in the dining room, I was at the table. Right. Yeah, my name is Old Mabel, and I was at

the table, and I seem to have left behind my cane. Yeah. Did you see anybody order a cane or take a

cane to the snack bar or to the dessert buffet, ma'am? When you, what kind of pizza you like to

to eat in there. Because I'm thinking of coming in a little later on, and I'm just wondering

what you would recommend. Hello, ma'am?

For dining, are you talking about?

Yeah, for dining. I want to be at dining. I want to be eating that food.

Okay, we have the buffet, which is pizza, pasta, salad, and dessert. It's $11.95 each.

You know if they got chicken in there? Fried chicken?

No, no, no. Just pizza, fries and garlic bread, pasta, salad, and dessert.

Because I was in there, and the whole thing that I was seeing was I was in there, and I ordered the pizza, and when they brought it to me, there was dirt on it.

I tried to complain, and they put me down.

I don't think you would have got a pizza with a bird on it.

No, I don't want to eat it.

We do have chicken pizzas.

No, it looked like it had fallen.

Yeah, the chicken one, that was the one that I got.

That's what I've been seeing the whole time.

No, I don't think so.

Right, so you ordered the pizza, the chicken pizza, right?

And you got a chicken on there?

Yeah, chicken and green pebbles and extra cheese.

I'm just confirming the order.

You what, sorry?

I'm just confirming the order.

You're ringing to confirm with me?

Yeah, I'm confirming with you about the order.

Okay, you're really, really confusing me.

Oh, I'm sorry, baby. Here it is.

The whole pizza, you know how you sit down with your phone in and you order?

pizza. So you have, did you come in today? Yes, yes, yes, today. You came into the restaurant

today? Yes. And did I serve you? Yes. Oh, I don't think so. Well, you was at, you showed

me to the seat anyway, but listen, I was just calling, just like when I come in to the restaurant,

I'm just confirming your order. Yeah, no, no, no, you didn't, I didn't, you didn't come

No, no, no, but you are in there today, right now you're in there today, and you're taking orders, and I'm calling to confirm your order, because you're in there today, because you're the one that's in there today, and today you guys are going to be taking orders, yes, and I'm just confirming your order,

So we're open?

Yeah, and I'm confirming the order for chicken pizza.

Okay, you haven't ordered a chicken pizza?

No, no, for the dining room.

They serve chicken pizza in the dining room.

Yes, they do.

And you're open today?

Yes.

Right, and I'm just calling to confirm the order today.

So you'll be in tonight then?

Yeah, today.

Okay, awesome.

So I'm coming through.

Oh, I'm looking forward to seeing you.

Right, but before I get there, I just need to confirm your order.

You can't place an order now.

No, I'm confirming your order.

No, you can't place an order now.

You need to place an order when you get here.

No, but I'm confirming your order.

I haven't ordered anything.

You ordered a chicken pizza.

Why would I place an order?

No, you're there today.

I don't eat while I'm here.

What would I be making an order for?

I'm just confirming the order.

No, sorry.

You know what?

If you're coming in tonight, that's fine.

What time are you open till?

What time do you close?

We open at 5 and we close at 9.

So I need to get there before 9 o'clock.

You do.

Because after that, the order's free.

No, no, no, it doesn't work like that.

No, your order will be free after 9 o'clock.

That's why I need to get there.

Why would it work?

Because if I don't get there by 9 o'clock, it's free.

No, if you don't come in here before 9 o'clock, then you don't get to dine in and you don't get to have a pizza.

That's the way it works.

Now, as regards your order, if I don't get there before 9, it's free.

My order for what?

Yeah.

I haven't ordered anything.

I'm confirming your order, and I need to get there before 9 o'clock, or it's free.

You know what? I'll see you before 9 o'clock then, all right?

Because you're only open until 9 o'clock.

Because you're only open until 9 o'clock, right, ma'am?

How was that?

That was good.

That was very good.

How was that?

Are you there, Adam, sir?

Yeah.

Alright, what were your thoughts on that? You got to hear that.

Yeah, I actually have.

How did you enjoy it?

Did you buy extra onion rings just to put more onion rings on it?

Did you put your own barbecue sauce on it and dip it in it?

No, I usually make my own barbecue sauce.

You ever drink barbecue sauce?

No.

Because if you mix it with a little water to dilute it and make it like the consistency of tomato juice, it's pretty good.

Yeah.

Or you can inject it directly into your veins if you want to freebase it.

Yeah, I do that too.

Yeah? Freebase sugar?

Yeah.

Like Richard Pryor.

Yeah.

But, um, no, the prank call was okay.

I mean, I'm not saying it was good or bad, but, I mean, I was kind of on-going.

So enough of the prank calls.

What about your new job?

What do you mean, my new job?

You're getting a new job.

Yeah, we heard that you had an interview.

Yeah.

How'd it go?

I didn't have an interview.

Yeah, we heard that you had an interview for a new job.

Who the fuck said that?

You know who did.

Come on, are you serious?

Everybody's saying that because everybody's so excited about you getting your new job.

Well, everybody's an asshole, okay?

No, no, no, look at the, look at the, uh, the forums.

Everybody's going crazy about it.

Everybody thinks that's great. Everybody thinks that's awesome.

Yep.

Why?

Everybody hates me, I don't care.

Nobody, no, no, no, but everybody's, they're glad that you've got the, you've got a job now.

Congratulations, sir.

What are you doing now? What do you, what's the new job?

I heard he was in the bus, at the bus stop actually cleaning the, the bus station.

Is that what you're doing? You're cleaning the bus station?

For the, uh, New Jersey, New York, New Jersey Transit Authority, whatever it is.

No, get up, dude.

No, but seriously, who is it?

And that's awesome, that's totally awesome, it's great.

Who's the new job working for?

Well, I think he claims to shitters out of the back of those buses, actually.

You're working at a country club, that's cool.

Yeah.

So there is a new job.

What are you doing at the country club?

I'm making $50 an hour.

Making what?

$50 an hour.

$50 an hour, doing what?

Cooking.

Cooking what?

You know, just like expensive menu items.

Okay, wait a minute, you're cooking and you're making $15 an hour and you're working at a country club in New Jersey?

Yep.

No, $50. I heard 5-0, like $50 an hour.

Yeah, $50.

5-0.

$50.

$50 an hour.

Yeah, so $100 two hours.

Yep.

Now, how long a shift do you work, typically?

About, like, eight hours.

That's like, fucking, $400 a day.

That's good money.

I'm looking for a country-class phone by Donald Trump.

Yeah.

So, how big a raft can you afford with a job like that, $50 an hour?

Ah, funny.

No, seriously, how big a raft?

Funny.

Well, answer me.

How big a ref could you afford right now if you wanted one?

For me.

How many feet?

60?

Hats off to you.

Okay, well, hats off to you then.

Well, congratulations with the new job.

We knew we came down to the source.

We both knew you tried it tonight, but we know about your new job.

And you need to understand that there are people who are monitoring you.

We're really proud.

Yeah.

Good luck with that.

Well, there's people that are monitoring me can fuck off.

Where's this hostility coming from?

Yeah, don't be hostile because you're going to upset them.

I'm not involved in it.

I'm just tired of this.

Of what?

I have to move on.

Tired of what?

Fucking, I knew I'd violate these other people.

Are they violating your rights?

I cannot be somebody else.

Why can't we be somebody else?

Hello?

I cannot be somebody else that's a punching bag.

Well, Adam, you know what?

I just want to be left alone.

So just stop going around them.

Yeah.

Find a new crowd.

That's what I was saying, too.

Why do you take it?

You know, Adam, let me tell you a story.

I had this girl once.

Worst comes to worst.

She cheated on me a lot, and it was a horrible thing.

And you know what? For a whole year I fought to stay with her despite the fact that it was like destroying me inside because I knew that she didn't love me and I didn't like her.

Hold on a second. I'm sorry to interrupt you, but, um, Milkman, why do you have to be such a fucking asshat?

Well, I...

Just hang on. I don't know if I can put up with this.

Frank Matthews, we gotta let you go, dude, because we were trying to keep the vibe up, homie.

Yeah, we're trying to...

We're keeping the vibe up, homie.

Trying to keep it positive and you're gonna be an asshole and say something like that.

No, because he fucking banned me.

Fucking three times tonight.

Well, then what's the problem?

Just stay outside.

Who cares?

He doesn't want you in there.

Then they'll come in.

What's the big deal?

I don't fucking care.

I've been in there longer than Milkman has.

Well, we all had a conference call earlier tonight,

and KDK made the decision that Milkman is an op,

and he can do what he wants to do.

That's all it is.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

When I came in, Milkman was not an op.

We'll talk about this later off the air.

I just want to put him in his place and say he needs to go away or something.

If he's not working out for it, just go away.

You know what I mean?

I mean, what do you got to get so emotional about?

It's just a stupid Internet thing.

You know what I mean?

It's some guy here sitting in my apartment making prank calls that aren't really that funny to him.

Have you hung up yet?

Is that it?

I think you did.

Good.

Thank you.

But you wanted the whole time anyway.

You're fucking hung up already.

God damn, that guy.

He's just fucking...

I don't give.

Everybody's like, I don't know, man.

You know what I mean.

You know my stand on it.

Do a chocolate call, Sean.

Although I have made it clear that I think everybody's despicable the way everybody picks on them.

It's like a grade 6 kid beating up a grade 1 kid.

Yeah.

So enough of that.

That issue is finished with for this evening.

Yeah, exactly.

Do a chocolate call.

It wasn't even supposed to come up at all this evening.

That's right.

And sure enough, he sneaks in.

Like a snake thief.

All right.

Continue on.

Dude, I'm really fucking excited about the FX show.

Oh, good, me too.

What up?

Can I hear something out of town?

Who is it now?

Fucking recluse.

Oh, what up, recluse?

How you doing?

What's going on tonight?

You know, just dealing with the kids.

You know how that is.

Hey, listen.

God damn it, dude.

They need to get rid of some of them fucking lame-ass little bitches.

Yeah, they really got to do something about these kids, you know?

I would like to make a request.

I mean, it's like there's just a bunch of fucking bitch-asses in the fucking chat room.

Yeah.

Honestly, man, I mean, it's like, I don't know, I've been thinking, like, I wonder how the fuck to take this fucking, you know what I'm saying, we gotta take this fucking network to the next level.

Yeah, we have a lot of potential here.

Get some real fucking publicity going, some good shit.

Well, hook it up!

You know what I'm saying, like, make a bunch of pranks, get them played on, like, Stern or something.

Get on it!

We gotta get on it, then, yeah.

I'm telling you, man, that's what I'm doing, dude.

This shit's fucked.

You know what I'm saying?

I mean, it's okay, but, I mean, I want to reach, like, a ton of fucking people if we're going to do it.

We totally can.

We got that ability, too, man.

We got people like Sean and me and KDK, and you record yourself.

Yeah, I mean, we got a lot of talent.

We definitely do.

I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong with the fucking network.

Yeah, exactly.

I don't think anything.

I just think we need to get out there more, I guess.

Yeah, I guess so.

I don't know what it takes.

I mean, I would have no clue.

We'll see if I can do it tomorrow.

Single-handedly with that's right with with some ghetto flyers. I just have to figure out how we're gonna rate

How we gonna do something about that man?

With a kinko's

That's a good idea though

I'm gonna start hanging. I'm gonna start handing shit out like I've been trying to tell these fucking punk ass kids

record shops and shit.

Yeah, that's what I mean. I think people will get into it.

Yeah, hang on a second.

Dude, everybody loves when I prank, like, over people's houses and shit.

Yeah, exactly.

Dude, Reclute makes some sick...

Any of you ever heard of Reclute's pranks, man?

Here and there, yeah.

Yeah, he's a sick-ass pranker.

He's pretty decent.

Carlito.

Sick-ass pranker.

I'm just a little bit average.

I'm better than Prankmaster.

Yeah, so Reclute, how about that afternoon show?

Hang on, Milkman.

How about that afternoon show we did Tuesday, huh?

That was pretty cool, right?

Fuck yeah, dude.

That was...

Yeah.

Man, we made some good calls.

Dude, Sean, there were people at work emailing me, like,

Like, oh, this is so awesome, you know.

They were, like, sending me their Y's, phone numbers and stuff.

Yeah, it was awesome.

I'm going to do that again next week.

Next Tuesday, I'll probably do that again.

Do a show, like, at 3 in the afternoon.

You know what I mean?

People were going crazy.

I got tons of emails.

Like, yeah, it was really cool.

It was a really neat experience.

Probably a lot of people that can listen to it.

Yeah.

Oh, I got to tell you what happened today.

Yeah, what's up?

The fucking drummer from Primus sent me, like, nine CDs.

Okay.

Oh, for your...

Do you got to edit them and shit over there in your studio?

Or what's going on?

Oh, just for the hell of it.

He just, there was some unreleased shit that he did with, uh, he did with the fucking Buckethead.

Like, his name is Brain.

He played on, like, the Brown album and shit.

Right.

So he said, he promised me, because I hooked him up with all these, like, info about, like, software and shit.

So he fucking hooked me up with, like, nine CDs, and a couple of them were unreleased shit.

Oh, shit, really?

So, okay, and he gave you nine copies of them?

Like, it's some crazy Japanese import of, like, a Primus CD that he's on.

Oh, that's cool.

Then, like, a couple Buckethead ones, and then some weird ass, I mean, it's just fucking weird ass.

shit. Alright, well, cool.

If there's anything good, share it with me.

Okay, hang on. Yeah, Milkman, what's up, bro?

Hey, listen here. I wanted to

ask you...

Can you hear me?

Yeah, hang on, Reckless. Yeah, go ahead.

Okay, listen. There's my favorite

gay bar call. That might be one

that Reckless wants, and there's also

one here for

a food

store. Maybe you could do the chocolate

have...

do the chocolate call here. So you send a gay

A gay bar? You sent a number for a gay bar for me? Is that what you're telling me?

Yeah, yeah. There's one for a gay bar I sent.

All right.

And there's also one for cat and fiddle food.

Where's the gay bar? Do you send it in Gizmo? Is that where you send it?

I mean, on Google Docs?

Oh, no. It's on Gizmo. Don't scroll up, man.

On Gizmo. Hang on. Do you want to call it gay bar, dude?

Not Gizmo. It's on Google.

Yeah, man. That's a specialty, I think.

That is a specialty. What's it say?

Australia.

It's in Australia. I'm looking here. I got McDonald's in Queensland. I've got a dream.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

I never made a prank over there.

Let's do that.

All right.

I call a bitch over there, but when I was in the military, they had this phone.

When I was getting kicked out, you could dial anywhere.

Okay.

The world.

Really?

So, like, I met all these chicks online.

I just started calling them, dude.

The phone bill was, like, fucking...

Oh.

It was a couple grand.

Oh, you really got in trouble for that, huh?

No, fuck them.

They kicked me out.

Oh, that's good.

They helped me.

They basically...

And they gave me honorable discharge and shit.

Yeah.

Well, that's cool.

Fuck yeah.

I went out honorably.

Not really, but that's what they put on the paper.

Yeah, that's what they put on my paper, too.

That was a little tricky, though.

I had to go through some legal entanglements over that.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

I'm fucking like, somebody really hooked me up is all I got to say.

Exactly.

Me, too.

Shouldn't have got an honor.

Well, the whole thing, actually, the Marine Corps helped me out, and I was in the Army.

So I'm not going to talk about what happened, but whatever it is that pissed the Army off

really helped out a lot of Marine boys who might otherwise not be alive right now.

You know, so, it's kind of like that.

So, they had my back, so that kind of worked out for me.

That was really cool.

Really cool experience, but I will never, never again will I fight for America.

They just slapped me in the face.

I'm not going to be on Patreon.

I don't want to talk about it right now.

I know it's a little weird.

I don't know.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, yeah.

I didn't have that great of experience, but I have a lot of wild stories and...

Yeah.

Fuck, yeah, dude.

I had a good time, though.

I mean, I was over in Italy and Korea.

And then Kuwait.

Kuwait's fun.

Fucking, man.

Yeah.

I was once in Kuwait.

Dubai's fun, also.

Afghanistan is not fun.

The hot Lebanese bitch is over there.

Yeah, exactly.

Japan is interesting.

Holy shit.

Right on.

Anyway, hey, moving on.

Okay, in Australia, we got the Cat and Fiddle Food Arcade.

I don't know.

We also got a computer store named Harvey Norman.

Yeah, dude, let's call that.

Yeah, we can talk shit and be like, say I'm Gary Glitter, and I want to send my computer to you.

Right on.

He got caught in the UK for having child porn.

Yeah, exactly.

Just like those fucking molesters in the child room

Yeah, exactly, those, yeah

That room, it might as well be the child room

The child room tonight, yeah

I have another fucking bunch of kids in there

Gotcha

But, no, anyways, fucking, yeah, let's call them up and say

Here's what we're gonna do, and you can say, like, if you want to, you can

You can, like, come join in somehow

Right, gotcha

Fucking, basically, we should do like, yeah, say, yeah, I'm Gary Glitter

And I gotta fucking send in my computer

You gotta get scrubbed

like, look the other way.

So when you want to scrub it,

yeah, exactly.

You find anything,

just scrub it out.

Just please, do something.

All right, I got you.

Oh, Gary Glitter!

Yeah, all right.

I don't know how he talks, though.

I don't know.

Well, just make it up.

They're Australian.

They don't know anyway.

You know, they're deaths.

That's true.

They're deaths.

They're weird.

They eat each other and stuff.

We've been living over there

for a while.

That's a penal colony.

You know that.

That was a penal colony.

Yeah.

I heard Canada was,

the original plan for Canada

was a penal colony.

Oh, it is?

Yeah, that was, but it didn't work out.

Yeah.

Exactly right.

The Catholics had the ball.

And then we had a war in 1812 and kicked America's ass.

Kicked the kick, yeah, exactly.

Right on.

Get back down there.

Yeah.

All right, hang on, Reckless.

We'll be right back with this call, everybody.

Sean, hit the off button for me there, everybody, and I'll take care of it here.

We'll be right back, folks.

Hang on.

Four, eight, six, seven.

Reckless is always high.

Enter your destination number.

Um, I forgot.

Who are we calling, dude?

Dude.

Harvey Norman, the computer store.

I don't know if I dialed it right.

Hang on.

Yeah, I'm about to out, wait.

We are sorry, the number you have dialed is 0-7-3-3-

Oh, what a bunch of fucking pigs.

I'm trying to figure out how I dial these damn numbers.

Hang on, let's try the Australia Zoo.

We are-

The number you have dialed is 0-7-3-3-2-1.

We are sorry, only direct dial calls are permitted.

Oh, come on, bitch.

It sucks.

Can you get an operator on there, or do they even have them?

I don't think they do, dude.

That sucks, it's just-

The way, uh, Milkman, the way those are coming in confirmed-wise, uh, they don't have the country code set up, like,

Lonesome Loser has here, I gotta look off of his pattern.

Hang on, let me go over here to him.

I'll send him up for you, like, to him.

Oh, yeah, cause he sent, yeah.

Yeah, he's saying 001161.

Okay, alright, I see, I don't have to be putting those, hey, yeah, those numbers in the parentheses, I don't need them, that's what it is.

Shit, alright, Reckless, can you hang on a second, you gotta go, or can you say, uh...

You need the seven.

Nah, I mean, I'm just taking a little, this is fuckin' draggin' ass.

Gotcha, right.

I want to have a little fun here.

Right, okay.

Well, we're going to get that computer started.

Hang on, Milkman.

Thank you for coming through.

I figured it out, buddy.

Don't worry about it, man.

Hang on, dude.

All right.

Yeah.

They like it hot, that's why I keep it hot

So how the fuck could they not want a piece of dot?

I am out in the swamp in the straight west

Hosting bitches with them asses

Second

Oh, hell yeah, is this?

We're sorry, the number you have dialed

Son of a bitch

6133321100

Is not in service

Please check the number and dial again

You gotta be motherfucking kidding me

64

Are you trying to dial out a gay number?

Send me the game number now.

You want the game number?

Oh, send me the game number.

Yeah, I'm trying to call the computer store.

It's not working.

Let's just dial in the American number for right now and get that fucking figured out.

Here's the thing.

These are the ones that have been working before.

I've got Tool Time, a mobile service, I guess, and there's a Burgerama in Queensland, Australia.

There's also Mr. Cocky Pest Control.

Oh, hells yeah.

What time is it over there?

Like, what, four in the afternoon or some shit?

I don't know.

Oh, perfect.

Three.

That's what we should do.

Dude, that's a great idea.

When we do late nights.

Yeah, do this shit, man.

Call motherfuckers like that, man.

Here's the gay bar.

Absolutely.

Everybody be up.

Absolute rubbish removal.

Stump muncher.

What was that one with the burgers?

Burgerama.

That's a game, isn't it?

Wasn't that a game that you played on the Nintendo with the...

Yeah, it was like fucking...

Yeah, Burger Time.

Right?

It's Burger Time.

See, there's Tool Time and Burgerama.

I don't know.

Whatever.

Burgerama it is, then.

All right.

Good luck, sir.

Good hunting.

Let's see if I can figure this out this time.

I'm pretty sure I got it.

Hang on.

I already played this.

God damn it.

The two seconds.

This doesn't work.

Hey, listen there.

Hey, what's wrong with you?

Hello?

What's wrong with you?

What do you mean?

God damn it.

They're selling me burgers down there.

No ketchup and fries.

What's your problem?

Well, maybe I come down there and whoop your ass.

Yeah, right.

Oh, yeah, you've got a big mouth, bloke.

Why don't you... you... kick your ass!

... enter your destination...

Oh, call him back. Hang on, I'm gonna call him back.

That was lame.

Great, though. I'd like to call him back. We're gonna get him this time.

... will allow you to three...

... DC... nine...

Those cards are great.

... seven...

Goddamn, you fucking kangaroo fuck.

... six, one, seven, three, two, seven, seven, two, three, nine...

What, are they all broke over there?

... is not in service.

Jesus.

What was it? You wanna try one more?

Or stay online while I try it?

Oh, hell yeah, dude. Let's try them all night.

Okay, uh, what's next? Let's try, we can try tool time.

Hell yeah, tool time.

Mr. Cocky Pest Control, that's right, good call, Sean, good call.

Mr. Cocky.

Hell yeah.

Exactly.

Roll it.

Yeah, alright, hang on folks, here comes that call.

Three hours, fifty three minutes, forty nine seconds.

Okay, Mr. Cocky.

Well, I got this one.

Sean's doing it.

You guys got it?

Yeah.

Sean's doing it.

See y'all.

Oh, pretty bad.

Bloody wanker, what's your damn problem?

What's wrong with this?

You can be called back is not stored with your message.

To send your message with no callback number included, just hang up.

Okay.

Please enter a number with area code.

Actually, they call them area codes there.

God dang it.

All right.

Uh, uh, all right, Wreckwood.

Well, you want to try one more or you want to call it a night?

Let's just try one more.

Oh, it's Stump Muncher.

It's Stump Muncher or there's Tool Time.

I guess it's some mobile service.

i have no idea what that is tool time oh yeah there's absolute rubbish removals also here

yeah whatever man all right i would just i i'd like to let's do them all call the gay guy oh

milkman you keep seeing the game but i can't find him i don't know what you're talking about

okay look here look here right now the what no milkman's giving me a number

okay what's the name of the gay guy then uh this is a bar called the wickham in brisbane

The Wiccan Bar in Brisbane, a gay bar in Australia.

It's a favorite.

It's an all-time favorite.

There we go.

All right, rude.

Yeah, for gay boys.

All right, hang on, folks.

We're going to come right back with that.

I start sweating, and blood starts coming out my nose.

But I don't know who it is, so I'm watching my back.

I can see him when I'm deep in the bus.

When I awake, I don't see the motherfucker.

He owns a black hat like I own, a black suit and a cane like my own.

Some might say take a chill, B, but fuck that shit.

There's a nigga trying to kill me.

Allow you to talk for three hours, forty-four minutes, twenty-one seconds.

Negative for you.

The Wicca.

Shut up.

Hotel Hickam, this is Marie speaking.

Uh, listen, I'm in a bit of a bind. Can you help me out there?

I don't know.

Okay, well, am I calling the right business? Please explain what you do.

It's a hotel. Bar.

Hotel bar?

Yeah.

What is it, a Wicca bar? Are there poopers there?

What was your problem, mate?

No, what's your fucking problem? Don't get apathy with me. I'm royalty, I'll have you know. I've got you crowned. You know, just because of my royalty, I can have you bow down to me at any given second, so please, do not anger me. I am the Duke of, Duke of Ronstadt. Have you know I have authority in this land? Control the aborigines as well.

Show a sense of humor, you cunt.

Please enter your destination number.

She went for a Vegemite sandwich there, dude.

Okay.

30 minutes, sorry. The number you have dialed.

One, two, not in service.

I missed a number.

Please check the number and dial again. Message-

Hey, you wanna call us?

Alright, well hey thanks man, that was interesting.

Thank you very much as always.

And try to catch me during the week, like, you know.

We'll try to do that afternoon thing again here.

Oh, sounds good. I wanna call more of them fuckers.

All right, uh...

Fun! I'd like a new...

Milkman wants to say something. All right, go ahead, Milkman.

Yeah, Reclude, man. Hit me up here on the name whenever you get back out of there. All right, Mike?

Okay. Right. Okay.

Uh, okay, let me try... I can try Gay Flowers one more time in Queensland.

Yeah.

Um, all right. I missed out.

That's so fun.

I'm not used to that.

I don't know why, but it's fun.

Well, good. Well, thank you for keeping us going here.

Uh, sure. Hang on.

That's great.

We're right back, folks.

Okay.

Yeah, go ahead.

Did you hear what I said?

Thirty-four minutes, fifty-three seconds.

I predict I did that right.

This is a gay flower shop.

Yep.

Fucking cool.

Listen in, gay flowers, this is Brenda.

Hello.

Hello, Brenda.

Yes?

I need some flowers for a funeral, please.

When for?

When for? Two weeks.

They're freezing them just for a bit.

Freezing the flowers?

No, no, no.

They've been freezing the body

till all the family could arrive.

All the world?

Okay.

Okay. Have you got a hearing problem?

No.

Are you disabled?

No.

Okay, well, let's get on with it, then.

What date do you need the flowers?

I told you, two weeks from now.

Let me look in the calendar.

Two weeks from now.

January, see here, February.

One, two, okay, it's on a Friday.

On a Friday.

Friday the 10th.

And are they to be delivered, these flowers, or are you picking them up?

I think I'm going to pick them up, but could you deliver?

what's your radius what's your radius well we get a courier to deliver to certain areas so

where you tell me which suburb it's an aborigine funeral it's out in the in the bush

ramel who are you speaking to yes who are you out in the bush if a courier if a courier will

take them that's fine if the courier won't well then we won't be able to deliver

Who are you speaking to, Rainbow?

I don't know if I hire a courier.

Me am Aborigine Chief.

Like a crocodile man.

Me am Aborigine Chief.

Expect great feast for funeral.

Many rainbow flowers gave.

Enter your destination now.

I don't know what the hell that was about.

Sorry.

What the hell I was doing?

I thought that Aborigine was saying

like a powwow.

I thought I lost you. That was pretty cool.

Yeah, exactly.

God dang it, that's funny.

I don't know where the hell they came from.

I wanted to start talking dirty to her, though.

Yeah, yeah.

Those girls are weird when you start talking to them.

They're just so much different.

Yeah, they're, like, really tamed.

Like, I'll just have to sit here and take it or something.

I don't know.

Oh, my God, dude.

I met a couple.

We ran away to Vegas one time with these two broads.

Yeah.

When we were living in L.A., man.

They were fucking hot as hell, but they were, like, I don't know.

They were, like, kind of like Tom girls, but they were still really hot and feminine.

Okay, really?

Really? Well, that's, yeah, there's nothing wrong with that.

It's weird.

I heard good things about Australian women, though, you know?

They keep in shape.

Oh, fuck yeah, dude.

Don't, hey, believe the rumors.

Good ones only, though.

Yeah, exactly.

They're fucking just nuts.

I'm going to call this absolute rubbish removal.

You want to stay on the line for it?

Fuck yeah.

All right, cool.

Hang on, dude.

Yeah, let me give a stab at that, see what happens.

Hang on, folks.

Yeah, go ahead.

Y'all appointed me to bring rap justice

But I ain't 5-0, y'all not show

Grey goose and a whole lot of hydro

Only describe us as soldier survivors

Stay laced in the vest

Well dressed with my nest in the white tee

Looking for white heat

A girl who fly and talk so nicely

Put her in the coupe so she can feel the nice breeze

We can drive through the city no doubt

But don't say my car's topless

Say the titties is out

Noon, this is the anthem, put your hand up

And you shoot it, count your loot with

Okay, changing plans

This is supposedly Steve

Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter

I don't know

I don't know what this source is, but

He's telling me it's him

Welcome to Australia, sir, this is Chloe speaking

Hi, Chloe, may I speak with Mr. Irwin, please?

I can't actually get him on the phone at the moment

Can I ask who's calling and what it's in regards to?

Oh, my name is Carl Eden with Madhouse Radio

We're with the interview here in the States.

Have you already organized for an interview?

We have. He was supposed to call in the toll-free line.

We didn't hear back from him, so we're calling in to see if he's available on the back line.

Okay, so it was already organized. Do you know who you spoke to?

I'm not sure. Someone in Queensland, I believe. I don't know.

I've just worked the night shift here, ma'am.

I'm going to get in serious trouble if I don't get him on the air here. It's my job.

I'll tell you.

Yeah, you would have a contact then, wouldn't you, for who you spoke to?

Mr. Irwin?

But, like, it wouldn't go directly through him, like, either his personal assistant or someone in the marketing team?

Um, uh, Melissa?

Ma'am, this gentleman's my client. Are you prepared to go to court?

Maybe if you know what's good for you, get Mr. Irwin on the phone, you know what I mean?

Excuse me, sorry?

Ma'am, this gentleman is my client. Are you prepared to go to court?

Um, I'm not sure what you're referring to. Just one moment, I'll see if I can talk to you.

This gentleman is my client.

Are you prepared to go to court?

Just one moment.

We're going to have the writ imposed.

I think she said he's going to try to get them.

His next payroll is going to bounce.

Can we give it a try?

Here you go.

You want to take this?

Don't run him off quick.

Hold him on.

This is him singing.

What the fuck is that?

Hello, ma'am.

Hi.

You're speaking with Amanda.

How can I help?

Well, this is Mr. John Cleese, and we're having a radio interview, and I'm very, very upset.

Yes.

John Cleese?

Don't tell me you don't know, you silly.

You silly bird. I need to speak to John Irwin. You bastard. You filthy rotten bastard.

Ma'am, ma'am, this gentleman is my client. Are you prepared to go to court?

Please put him, see if everyone's on the line or I'm going to lose my job.

Listen, you quit. Shut up.

Okay. Yes, sir.

I need to talk to these birds. Yes.

Mr. Cleese is... Mr. Cleese, calm down, please.

Do you understand who I am?

Oh my god, they really think it's...

I'm having fun, I love those girls.

Oh god, I want to go over there.

Steve Irwin.

God damn, I think I'm buying real estate over there.

Alright, let me take this if we get him.

He's passing us along everywhere.

Hello, are you there?

Amanda?

Oh, Corky!

You're speaking with Amanda, how can I help?

Yeah, this is Steve Allen.

Why are you being so mean to my friend?

I'm trying to get an interview here.

Whoa.

My name's Amanda.

Can I help you with anything?

Yeah, I'm just wanting...

I want your jobs.

You want my jobs?

Why are you being so mean to my friends?

Can I translate?

My friends are on the phone,

and I'm trying to give them a radio interview.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

I'm going to take your infant and put it on a crocodile.

Who is that?

Ma'am, this gentleman...

Who is this?

Ma'am, this gentleman is my client.

This gentleman's my client, ma'am.

Are you prepared to go to court?

I'm going to lose my job if we don't get Steve Irwin on the line.

It says.

Steve.

Yeah.

What up?

I don't know why they're being so mean, but I assure you.

I'm so embarrassed.

Their jobs will be chomped.

I'll take care of it immediately, Mr. Irwin.

Ma'am?

Now we're supposed to.

Where's my assistant?

Ma'am?

Go fetch her for me.

Ma'am?

Amanda.

I swear to God, they're fired.

They're fired.

I didn't know if you were talking to me or talking to the other person on the phone.

Yeah, I'm in it.

Listen, you're making it too complicated. Here's what you need to do.

You need to go fetch my personal assistant, my wife, and my child.

Okay, I'm going to go now, if that's okay.

This gentleman is my client. Are you prepared to go to court?

You're going to be fired, young lady. Crikey.

And we're going to litigate.

Yeah.

I'm going to lose my job, too. Please.

Listen, young lady, I don't care about all the times you gave me hand release to get the job,

but you're not going to get away with this.

Yeah, I'll put you on to one of our marketing consultants.

We're prepared to litigate, ma'am.

Yes, yes, that sounds great.

Ma'am, we're prepared to litigate.

Right away.

Please enter your destination.

Hang on, here's another one.

I love those girls, man.

I love them.

I totally think that that's Steve Irwin.

He has a chain of restaurants.

It's a chain of restaurants.

That's what that sounded like.

It sounded like it's a restaurant with his name on it.

Now that you have dialed,

1-6-1-6-5-2-3-0-4 is invalid.

Please try again.

All right, well, that's pretty good.

Not bad at all.

Interesting enough.

enough. Night Owl's video sorrel. What? Night Owl's video sorrel. Yeah, Lonesome is pissed

off. They won't put him on the phone. I wonder if he really is there. Lonesome Loser is saying

that the bitches wouldn't put him on the phone. He's obviously there. If we only knew the

name of his handler, we probably could have gotten through. Yeah, we've got to do some

background before we call back. Yeah, exactly. We should do some background and call back

back on a normal voice

and then just say...

Exactly.

What the heck happened?

Okay, they got rid of...

You have to figure out

who their publicist is.

Yeah.

And you have to figure out

some names in the marketing department.

I don't think

that should be that hard.

You also have to not tell her

that you're him.

Yeah, that kind of...

Yeah, that kind of

threw it for a loop.

We had it going

almost for a while.

It was just fucking stupid.

I mean, it was just...

We weren't going to get through.

Yeah, I know.

I was still...

It's nice to have a dream, man.

Sometimes, you know...

Maybe we could have spoken

to Steve Irwin

and given him hell.

I was going to tell him...

So, um, Night Owl Videos, we could try that.

Night Owl Videos, that sounds like a fucking perv joint.

Yeah, that's in Tasmania, I think they're all freaky out there, aren't they?

Tasmania, blah, blah, blah, blah.

There you go.

Thank you for that image, I didn't think about that, alright.

Bunch of fucking tornadoes.

Yeah, exactly.

Tasmanian Devils.

We'll be right back, folks, hang on.

Yeah, you too, right over there.

Anita, Anita.

I'm inside a thing of...

Who you gonna call?

You gonna call the...

I'm not sure, I was gonna make it up on the way.

Hello?

You do not have sufficient funds to make this call.

Message 49.

Have Sean call it and do the chocolate call.

Cat and Phil food arcade.

Have him do the chocolate call.

I think we lost Raglan.

Uh-oh.

All right.

We'll call that.

Let Sean do the cat and food place and do the chocolate call.

Please enter your office in code now.

All right, let's see what we can do now.

I'm not sure.

Um, uh...

You do not have sufficient funds to make this call.

Message 49.

I'm putting in the damn wrong PIN number, dude.

I keep reading the other one.

Please enter your authorization code now.

Para mensajes en español, marque asterisco uno.

Callers or will allow you to talk for 3 hours, 6 minutes, 28 seconds.

What I just called night owl videos.

Phone 3, please.

No, message.

Hello, not a video.

Hello Nisa, will you help the one to see?

Hello

Hello, you to hear me?

Yes

Hello, you have the one to talk to the one?

Hello

Yes, hello?

Who am I speaking to?

You speaking to me, I need to know you have one to talk to

I'm sorry, I can't understand you

Is this the one you have to talk to?

Hello

Hello? Hello? Hello, ma'am, you two know you see...

Enter your destination...

Call the food store. It says Cat and Fiddle Food Arcade.

You wrote that down all funky, though. Hang on.

Have $3.52. Please enter your destination number.

No problem. He's going to lower his name in vain like that.

Your current balance will allow you to talk for 21 minutes, 9 seconds.

It's not sending you what I typed.

Oh, God. Good job. Break it.

Break it, and I'm going to fucking draw it down here, and you're going to step on it.

What is it, a phone card?

It's a fucking computer.

I hate you, stupid phone card.

Freaking time.

Hello? Are you the stump muncher?

Sir?

Are you the stump muncher?

Sir?

What is your name?

Do you speak English?

Do you munch stumps?

I have a stump. I need munched.

Now, what do you do?

What's your job?

How do I have a job?

Mabel, what do you have?

How do I have a job?

What is this?

I have a...

Hang on.

Hang on, Auntie Mabel.

I have a job for you.

I need you to come over and munch my Aunt Mabel's stump.

Who is it?

Your what?

Your stump, I said, Mabel.

I'm talking to the stump muncher.

Oh, that old boy.

Australia man.

In the name of the United States and NATO...

Where are you man from?

from? I command you to tell me your name.

Where are you reading this from?

I'm calling from the States.

Who are you speaking to?

Well, just tell me your name first.

Nah, I don't do it anymore.

Who are you speaking to?

Yeah.

So, what happened now? You don't do what?

I don't know where this is going.

How are you going to be like this?

Enter your destination number now.

Sean, I think it's that time.

Yeah, it's getting that time.

It's late

It's like

It's almost 2

And it's supposed to be

In the job interview

At 9am tomorrow man

That's early

And you know

But still packed up

My interview clothes

I have no idea where they are

I don't even know

If they're here

Or in the other apartment

You might want to check on that

I might want to check on that now

Right

Yeah

I gotta get to sleep

Alright everybody

Well thank you for

Joining in

Sean Ward

Thank you for sitting in with us here

Well thank you for having me

In the studio

Yeah I know

You look like you're

You're about tired

Well I was on a plane all day

That's right

Well thank you for staying up

And everything

That was great

Yeah, it's been fun.

Milkman, thank you very much.

Yeah, man, great show, you guys.

Very nice show.

It was a mile-marker show, man.

I'm glad to have Sean Ward.

That's right, the warden.

Well, thank you very much for having me on.

It was indeed an honor.

And, Milkman, thank you for your phone call.

Is there any possibility there are going to be any follow-up shows this weekend?

Oh, that's under wraps for right now.

That's all top secret.

Top secret.

Okay, so all you dedicated Sean Ward fans out there,

Be ready.

It could happen on Sunday.

It just may happen.

It might.

We'll see how we feel.

We'll test the waters at that point, of course.

Sounds good, man.

And, Sean, you, of course, are usually on tentatively, what, 9 p.m. Eastern?

Something like that, usually.

Yeah, usually.

The odd Sunday when I go on.

Be here at 9 p.m.

If you don't hear Sean, you'll probably hear somebody else.

Word up.

It's all good.

Monday nights, nothing, I guess.

What's the story with Monday nights?

Is someone on Monday nights or something?

i thought lego was on monday the friends of dr lego show friends of dr lego all right yeah but

i it may have been moved to tuesday it's not certain and then put jupon on monday like no

one's been doing it so uh k-bone may take over to to your tuesday slot so it's kind of up in the

air yeah okay but then you know you have the regular uh dr lego show you know mental discrepancies

He does on Friday to warn for Zola.

Put Jupe on on Monday.

Sean Ward says put Jupe on on Monday.

I agree.

Put Jupe on on Monday.

I agree.

Sean, yeah, Jupe should have a show, right?

He deserves it, I think, right?

Yeah, the only thing is, will he keep it up?

Will he go weekly?

Exactly, yeah.

But then again, I don't go weekly, so whatever the fuck.

Yeah, he could do a Sean Ward style.

Every once in a while he's on.

I'd like to hear him go on.

He should go on tonight.

I challenge you to go on tonight, Jupe.

No, he can't go on tonight.

He's got school.

He's got finals tomorrow.

He can't go on.

That's right.

Why are you putting all this pressure on that kid, man?

I didn't put no pressure on him.

He's under a lot of pressure.

I just said he should do a show.

I don't know.

His parents have him under a lot of pressure.

Yeah, because they're jerks.

Yeah, well, they told him that he's their only way out.

I want a chocolate call.

What?

You want a chocolate call?

I want a chocolate call.

Chocolate, chocolate.

Let's do that one.

Okay.

Chocolate.

Well, yeah.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Anyway.

So, folks, yeah, that's the night.

Lonesome Loser, thank you for your numbers.

Everybody who sent in numbers and participated, very good.

Thank you very much.

We had a representative over in Australia, man, way down under.

Life, man, lifey, thanks for the good numbers.

And everybody I'm forgetting.

Wednesday and Saturday nights is KDK's shows.

Wednesday night is the Cycle Babble, and the Saturday night is the Lunatic Fringe.

And the Sunday night is K-Bone or the Tuesday night or something like that.

and i'm on the thursday night and the friday night is lego at seven or nine or something and

then zolar 10 or something i don't know how it works sean yeah something like that zolar at 10

zolar is on here and lego's on sometimes and milkman's in the background right milkman

doing good there buddy yeah yeah we're all doing good we're all doing fine yeah

yeah man psycho then saturday the incredible phenomenal one and only flagship show man you

You got the Lunatic Fringe.

The what?

The Lunatic Fringe.

Yes, that's right.

Yeah.

Starring KDK.

The mentor, man.

Our Cerebro here in the prank world.

The keepin' drunk killers.

The one and only.

Yeah.

Get your buzz with KDK and listen to the calls rip.

Right.

Well, thank you to everybody listening on PCU right now.

We still have fine numbers.

And everybody listening on my personal Madhouse server.

Thank you very much.

Milkman, you're amazing.

Everybody, all my personal friends

listening in stereo in the VIP room,

thank you very much for joining us.

We'll see how long that stays open because

I don't have a job. We'll see what goes on

here in the next few months. We may be losing some things,

but we may be gaining some things.

Hopefully tomorrow we'll gain listeners, right?

That's right.

At the convention where we got a two-headed...

Hell yeah, man. You guys go wild

over there, man. Flash some of that

Sean style around, man.

They're going to go crazy for it.

they're bound to be in love with it

we love our man Sean

he's a talented man

thank you very much

tomorrow is going to be fun to show

introduce all the new people

to the new realness

the new feelness for 2006

well that's it

I hand it over to the rotation

ice cold flavor baby

that's right ice cold

like a cat's blood

like a Samuel Adams

like a Sammy Adams

okay so I'm going to hand it off to

rotation what I'm going to do I'm going to play

here let's see right quick

the new outro right this is the new outro playing

now and

yeah I might play

a prank call from Tuesday

I think I have it isolated and I'm

going to try to replay that hilarious

Ed Wood prank call

from Howard Stern that's really funny

alright man I'm going to give my goodbyes

my goodbyes to our

lovely buddy friend

And Madman provides us with a lovely chat room where we get to beat the hell out of each other

and come back and talk about another day.

Also, Dr. Lego provides us our wonderful voice, our stream man, our good man, Dr. Lego.

And, of course, our sponsor, the one and only benevolent Ph.D. of PCU,

the cerebral of the prank world, KDK.

Thank you so much for letting us have him on here.

Carlito for bringing us on here.

And all of you at PCU, it's all for you.

Thank you so much for tuning in.

We love you.

Right.

Yeah.

What he said.

All right, folks, that's it.

Have a good weekend, and keep listening to PC.

You never know what you're going to find.

And, yeah, take care.

Peace.

And thank you, Sean.

Rock out.

Night.

Booyah.

What's up, man?

I just gave it to him today.

He didn't even interrupt me.

Oh, God.

Man, I can't kill a tree, man.

We're going to trade beat your bread, buddy.

I'm going to get bread.

Man, I heard of that.

What the fuck is this?

I got your dirty laundry I got your dirty laundry over here

dude who is it hold on on my face

I want to have you in my house.

I'm talking to one person right here, and that person's in the red.

Can't stay in your car.

You like listening to me on the phone?

Yeah.

Calling me from block number.

I ain't no block number.

What you need to do is hang up.

I don't want to be in your car.

Yeah, man, I heard your whole conversation.

Don't make me call the police.

What kind of police is this?

Yeah, you know what's up.

Yeah, it's not you.

I'm going to blackmail you.

I'm so scared.

Turkey ass motherfucker, what's your problem now?

You got a turkey, you bitch.

You didn't hear, boy.

You jive, turkey motherfuckers.

Who, who, who, who you talking to, Sean? What do you mean?

Man, you can show me a place, dude. I'm about to go whoop some motherfuckers ass,

because I don't even know who the fuck you're talking about.

How much you going to charge, you guys? Pick somebody up over here to, to tax the tab.

Man, this ain't no motherfucking tax tax.

I'm telling you, I'm fucking picking somebody up. I'm going to whoop this goddamn ass.

I kicked your ass, you son of a bitch, you and your goddamn mother.

What?

Your mother.

You motherfucking nigga, how you like that, you piece of shit?

I'm not a fucking nigga, you son of a bitch.

You nigger motherfuckers.

How do you know I'm a nigger, man?

What?

Man, I'm a motherfucking fifth to five goddamn phone.

If you're a white man that don't want to hear from no goddamn niggers, call me in the fucking middle of the night.

Listen, listen, boy.

Listen, boy.

I'll show you a boy with a 12-gig shotgun, motherfucker.

Listen, cracker.

Listen to that three letters.

Listen here, cracker.

You got that, honky?

I'll show you some fucking three-letter motherfuckers.

I'll see you here.

Are you Michael Frazier?

Man, this ain't Michael Frazier, man.

Look, let me just ask you real quick.

First of all, why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you, you stupid bitch.

Please answer your question.

Okay, yo.

Please.

Yo, just dip a wing in your pocket and run it up to me.

Yeah, but I'm only one over here.

I cannot drop a chicken on you.

We would give you a couple hundred dollars, though.

Even though, guys.

Are you ready?

I wish I was the governor.

Just pretend I'm sitting on you, okay?

No problem.

Okay, I don't got to go.

Ah!

Yeah, well, I got to go.

Please do wash your hands.

Yeah, yeah.

What kind of life do you have where you have to do this stuff?

So this is a very interesting radio you have.

Very interesting radio thing if you have that, you know,

because it just shows me that you have, like, nothing going.

No, I got plenty.

This is what we do, man.

I do this all the time.

I get lots of votes.

This is what you do, like, you know what I mean?

Talk stupid.

Yeah, yeah.

Really, huh?

People actually listen to this shit.

Everybody listens to this shit, man.

Not everybody, because anybody with a half a brain that I know don't listen.

Anybody with a half a brain would listen to this show instead of eating your shitty-ass pizza.

How old are you?

Thirteen.

Yeah, fucking right.

You sound like you're fucking eighteen or nineteen.

I'm thirteen, I said.

Yeah, right.

Yes, I was born thirteen years ago, last Friday.

Mm-hmm.

I'm hanging up, and you better not call.

Do you have stripes in your underwear?

Do I have what?

Stripes in your underwear.

You are a sick fuck.

Come on, let me talk to your sister, man.

Be a pal.

No!

Have you ever seen your sister naked?

No!

Fine, you know.

Penny a minute, dude.

Milk might get us a better deal.

It's good.

That's a good deal.

It's a good racket.

Oh?

Hello, may I speak to Trecy, please?

This is.

Trecy, how you doing?

Look, I'm calling from the homeowners association here in Albany.

Okay.

My name is Tito Valente, and we got a lot of complaints that you have too many kids

talking over there, loud kids and stuff, and the kids outside in the underwear and

everything playing in the water and the sprinkler.

I don't know what the big deal is, but can you possibly try to be a better parent or something like that?

Could you tell me that again?

Okay, we got a problem.

We got a complaint that you got kids over there where you're at right now, you know?

And they're being loud, they're throwing stuff, and then they had this sign like a car wash outside,

and then the old lady come to get a car wash.

No, no, no.

I babysit babies.

They're not having no car wash outside.

Well, it was the babies or something.

There's too much noise over there, they said, and there's a complaint.

You say you got a daycare in Albany that they're making too much noise and stuff, you know?

And don't, you know, my problem is my wife.

She has the other daycare in town, and she's got it out for you.

She wants to put you out of business, man.

Why?

Because she don't like competition.

She wants to be the monopoly.

Well, I'm not competing against anybody.

Oh, she's competing against you.

She's been talking to your parents and everything, and she's going to undercut you by 20%, you know?

Okay.

Okay, so what?

Are you going to lose your business or what?

You want to work with us, huh?

Work with you how?

Well, you come babysit for us, you know?

You want me to come babysit for you?

We're going to buy your company.

We're going to make you an offer.

Well, make us an offer.

We give it to you, you know?

Do you want to take over all the kids that I babysit?

Yeah, we pay you $10.50 an hour plus benefits, you know?

$10.50 an hour plus benefits?

Yeah, we got a 401k and everything, you know, all that good stuff, Tracy.

Why you don't come, you know, bring us all your accounts, you know, and we know we work it out.

You want to put me out of business by taking over my accounts, so you're asking me to give you my accounts so you can take over my business.

Yeah, but we make, we keep your...

It sounds like you guys need business.

No, the thing is, we keep you on the payroll, man, 10, 15 hours plus benefits, man.

But do you realize that I make more than that?

Well, how much you make? That's why I say make an offer, woman, you know.

Oh, you want me to make an offer?

Yeah, make an offer.

Give me 20 bucks an hour.

20 bucks?

That's, ah, come on, 20 bucks an hour.

Come on, you know, you go out.

You know, normally, I've been doing this for seven years.

So what?

And normally, I rake in between.

Listen, I rake in by myself between three and four grand a month.

Uh-huh.

Okay, so 20.

Being in child care, I've been doing it for seven years.

Okay, okay.

You got a resume we can see?

I mean, for all I know, you're lying, you know.

Oh, I'm not. Oh, you're the one that called me. I didn't call you.

Oh, what?

Remember?

I'm letting you know that my business is very good, very strong.

Matter of fact, I go pretty much word of mouth because it's so good.

Okay. So you come here, we pay you $20 an hour, and no benefits, though.

You'll pay me $20 an hour plus full benefits, 401K.

No, no, no. If you want $20 an hour, no benefits, because you don't have benefits now.

You're trying to be sneaky.

No, I have benefits. I have benefits for my husband.

So you keep your benefits to your husband.

What are we going to give you benefits for?

That's what he's working for, you know?

Well, hey, you're the one that said it.

Well, you think your husband is like some great, great, great man or something?

No, no, no.

Listen, listen.

I'm just going off what you're saying, okay?

Okay, so.

I'm being nice here, okay?

Okay, well, look.

I'm just, I'm working with you here, okay?

Okay, so.

I mean, I just, this phone call just kind of got me kind of floored, I guess you could say, okay?

It got you kind of floored?

Yeah, because I'm not used to having somebody call me up and saying they want to buy my business.

Well, you know, if you're on the floor, who's taking care of the babies, man?

No, no, no.

No, you're not understanding.

It's English that I'm speaking here.

You don't understand what I'm saying.

Oh, why?

I don't speak English?

Is that what you're saying?

Because my name is...

No, no, listen.

Oh, here we go.

No, no, it's my English.

Listen.

No, I see.

Listen to what I said.

I said, I am floored to hear about somebody calling and wanting to buy my business.

Now, do you understand what I just said?

I understand you said you're racist.

It kind of dumbfounds me.

I'm kind of shocked, okay?

I don't speak English.

That's more like it.

I don't speak English.

I guess I'm here speaking Chinese.

Ching-chong, ching-chong.

Listen to me.

You called me.

I'm trying to be nice.

I'm laughing here.

I'm being nice, and you're getting a hair up your ass or something.

I don't know, but I'm being nice and laughing, okay?

And I'm trying to figure you out, okay?

You're being nice and racist.

I'm not trying to be mean.

I'm not trying to be a saint.

I'm not a god.

My husband's not god, okay?

I'm just trying to figure out if you're for real or not.

Now you're god.

Oh, my god.

Now I'm god.

This is great.

You make me laugh, okay?

And I'm not saying you're a big joke.

You just make me laugh.

I'm just shocked.

Nobody has ever called me in the seven years that I've been doing child care and saying,

hey, my wife is competitioning you, and we want to buy your business, okay?

It makes me laugh, okay?

I'm sorry.

Have you heard of our business?

Is this your Monopoly Daycare?

No, I've never heard of your business.

What is your business?

Monopoly Daycare.

Monopoly Daycare?

Yes.

I think I might...

Where are you guys located?

We're in Albany, down in Maine, something.

Downtown.

East side of town.

I might have heard of you.

Uh-huh.

Well, how old are you?

How did you hear about me?

Um, I don't know.

This black lady came in and said that you did a good job, that we should, you know,

try to, you know, make you an offer.

Why, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for telling me this.

Thank you, okay?

Right, right.

Um, you know, I don't know, I might, I might take you up on this offer, though.

Okay, well, tell you what, let me give you a call Friday.

How's that, oh, maybe, uh, I don't know, maybe Thursday, something, you know.

Give me a call, I'll be here.

Okay, and then we'll, we'll see what we do.

And I'll, I'll, I'll think about your offer, okay?

Okay, let your husband know that I call, and, you know, make an offer, make the, uh, and then call your lawyer and everything, and then I call it back, uh, later in the week, you know, we, we talk, okay, baby?

Okay.

Okay, well, you have, you have a good day, baby.

You too.

All right, mwah.

Bye.

See, what do you think it is?

Can I help you?

Accepted me.

You want Carl?

Accepted me.

Well, Carl's not home right now.

He's at work.

Would you like to leave a message?

That lamey cocksucker can rot in hell for all I care.

Excuse me?

Does not deserve to smell my shit.

Who the hell do you think you are?

How dare that asshole bring a towel off?

Bullshit.

You think it takes talent to play Frankenstein?

Fine.

It's all makeup and then grunting.

You got something.

I did not deserve to smell my shit.

You're listening to people like this.

Fuck you.

You know what?

Calls (31, 1 h 16 min of 3 h 32 min)

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