2006-01-31 Show

The Madhouse will begin momentarily, shortly.

It's an exclusive of P.C.U. Radio.

Fuck you.

Look, fuck man.

Joe Caldwell.

I seen Joe Caldwell.

Who the hell is this?

Who the hell is this? This is fucking Ben.

Oh, look at hell, Ben.

This bitch Joey done take my son's game,

like my son's computer game, and scratch it all up.

You scratch fucking...

You know how much it cost?

P.H.

Yeah, you know what?

P.H.

Oh, man.

P.H.

You fucking dick out of your mouth.

$39?

PS2?

My cousin scratched your PS2 game?

How the fuck is that possible when he's been on my fucking house?

He did it last night.

If you stay from my fucking house and stop calling me from fucking New York, you dumbass.

We are in New York, and you know what?

We'll be down there in a second if you want us to be.

Yeah, you'll be down here in a second.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's why I try to call your number.

It tells me I need a fucking access code.

Hey, hey, you cock.

You know what?

Listen here, you cock.

That's my cell phone you're calling.

You don't need to be putting in the access code on your cell phone.

You don't want to do that, okay?

Okay, no matter what.

Call me, too, when I call it.

It don't go through.

Look, that wasn't supposed to come through, so I obviously didn't block my number right.

I'm sorry.

If you're getting the New York number, the one that starts with a seven?

Yeah.

Oh, jeez.

Look, I'm sorry, man.

Look, man.

Who the fuck is this?

I'm sorry, man.

Please don't tell my parents about this, okay?

Who the fuck is this?

This is me.

Who the fuck's me?

I'm a friend of...

You're a friend of...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know?

My name's Ben.

Your name's Ben.

Really?

Really, where do you live at, huh?

I live in Wayne.

You live in Wayne?

Really.

What part of Wayne?

Uh, the good part over there, you know, South Park.

The good part?

Bendick Street right now.

I'm coming to do what with your dick now, what?

I'm coming to Bendick Street right now, motherfucker.

If you got balls, come down my fucking street right now.

Bendick Street?

Come down my fucking street, you badass.

I fucking broke my fucking car.

You, you know.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, look, man, I don't know what you be talking about.

Oh, I know what I'm talking about, because I fucking recognize your goddamn number.

Okay, look, I sat on the car.

Because you called my cell phone because you wanted to do a trade on the amp,

and my shit got broken throwing on my fucking car.

No, I don't know.

And we fucking stopped you, and my fucking CD player was in your fucking dashboard.

I don't know what you're talking about, man.

I don't know.

Well, if you've been lying, come to fucking Bendix.

I'm innocent.

You innocent.

I'm innocent.

You innocent.

Eyes don't see nothing, sir.

Come down.

All right, what street you at?

I'll come to your fucking house.

Where do you live at?

Bendix Street?

I live right off fucking Annapolis.

Annapolis?

Yeah.

Where the fuck is that?

You say you're from Wayne and you don't know where fucking Annapolis is?

Oh, Annapolis. Yeah, I know where Annapolis is. You said Napolis.

Where is Annapolis?

Over there. Over there by Wayne. Northeast, southwest of there.

Northeast, southwest of there? Dude, you ain't even from fucking Wayne.

Yes, I am, man. Wayne till I die. Go to Wayne High School.

Wayne till you die?

Wayne till I die.

You sound like a Belleville faggot to me.

Belleville? How'd you know? You could tell on my voice?

Yeah, you sound like a little fucking faggot.

So what happened to your car now?

My car? What the fuck do you think happened?

Why don't you come try to steal shit out of my car again so I'll fucking kill you?

I didn't do anything.

Yeah, that's right. You're fucking scared to come back.

Yeah, I am. Look, how'd you know it was me?

Look, you got my number now. I mean, please.

Yeah, I got your number when I called fucking Black.

Well, then what's it got to do with me?

What's it got to do with me? You got a problem with your phone.

That's all it is. I'm in New York. I'm going to pay for them.

You ain't in fucking New York.

I am.

Then why the fuck are you calling a cell phone?

I'm not calling a cell phone. This is a cell phone.

Yeah, this is a fucking cell phone.

Oh, great, yeah.

Now the fuck you know my cousin's name?

He's my boy.

So you from New York, and my cousin's your boy?

Word.

Me and Joey, man.

Me and Joey till I die.

See, you ain't even from fucking New York.

He's my BFF.

You ain't even from fucking New York.

Yes, I am.

You from New York.

What the hell you talking about, you, you, yous guys?

Yeah, that's right.

You know where I'm at.

I'm at fucking Wayne on Bendix Street.

Get the fuck out of here.

Get the fuck, get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're a fucking muley.

What the fuck up?

Fuck you, nigger.

I don't know my street.

See if you keep talking shit.

What'd you say?

What'd you say to me?

I said, fuck you, nigger.

Calm down like fucking street.

Hey, look, motherfucker.

Look, my mama black.

Your mama black?

Well, good.

Fuck you, nigger.

Fuck me, nigger.

I'm not black, though.

Fuck you, nigger.

You're a son of a bitch.

Nigger.

You're a son of a bitch.

Fucking nigger.

Kiss my ass, honky.

Crack ass.

Crack a motherfucker.

You ain't allowed to be a fucking honky.

Why, bitch?

bitch. I mean, where you live? I'll be right over. Bitch, what, bitch? What, bitch? Exactly,

you're a little bitch that talks on the phone. You're a crack-ass bitch. Where do you want

to meet? Come on, where are you going to be at? Where do you want to meet? Pistols at

Dawn. Pistols at Dawn, sir. Did you say you're from Wayne? I told you I was from Wayne, man.

Wayne, Wayne, Michigan. Wayne. Wayne, Michigan. Wayne. All right, what high school are you

going to go to? What's it got to do? What's it got to do with me? What do you want to

I don't know for.

Just tell me what high school you went to.

That's none of your business.

Because you ain't here from here.

Yes, I am.

There's one high school here.

What the fuck's it called?

I don't need to tell you shit.

Because you ain't from here.

Look, I work at the county airport.

You work at the county airport?

Yeah.

Can I tell you something?

There ain't no fucking county airport.

Yes, there is, man.

What's it called?

Wayne County Airport.

Wayne County Airport?

Yeah.

You know, every day...

There ain't no Wayne County Airport.

Every day I take the Detroit-Windsor Tunnel to over the Ambassador Bridge, down river,

and over there at the airport.

Really?

Well, you're from Wayne.

You know where Miss Gavis?

Yeah.

You know where Wayne Road and Miss Gavis?

No.

Should I?

You know where Wayne Road and Miss Gavis?

Who is...

Hello?

Sir?

Hello?

Sir?

What?

Sir?

What?

Hello, sir?

You're from fucking Wayne?

Yes, I'm from Wayne.

All right.

Well, fucking...

Why don't you get in your little fucking car?

I don't have time for that right now.

Because you're fucking stupid.

I don't have time for that right now.

You don't have time for that right now.

Why?

You're fucking everybody's dick.

I'm busy.

Busy.

Yeah, you know, me and you, we met back at Wheel Fest.

Wheel Fest?

Yeah, you know, Wheel Fest.

And Wayne.

Yes.

When did we meet?

Like, I think it was the last Wheel Fest.

Last year.

I didn't go to no Wheel Fest last year.

Well, didn't your friend used to work at the Ford factory?

The Ford factory?

Yeah, where they make the expeditions.

He plays EverQuest.

Oh, yeah, that's him, dude.

That's him.

I just met that boy two days ago.

Well, he's talking some shit about you.

She said that, you know, he said some shit.

I don't know.

I don't want to hurt your feelings or nothing, but...

That motherfucker's 39 years old, Blake.

He's going to talk shit about me?

He's talking mad shit about you, man.

No, you the one that's talking mad shit, you little bitch.

You got it all twisted.

I'm all pussies, dude.

I'm fucking sitting outside right now waiting for you to fucking come down here.

I forgot how to get there.

You ain't never going to figure out how to get here.

It's like, you tell me now.

Tell me now.

You don't even know where fucking...

Tell me now.

No.

You don't even know where it is.

I command you to tell me now.

You go Michigan to Wayne Road.

Michigan.

Hang on.

I'm writing it down.

Michigan to Wayne Road.

Yeah.

What else?

Hurry up.

Then you head towards Annapolis.

Right.

And as soon as you get to Annapolis, you make a right.

You take that all the way down to a dirt road.

You make a left.

And then you make a right on the first street.

It's called fucking Bendick.

Bendick.

Yup.

Bendick.

Just like that.

Yup.

See you a little bit.

So wait.

Now, I'm trying to figure out.

You're wasting my fucking time.

Go to the malls when I don't come down.

If not, shut the fuck up.

How do I get there from Cherry Hill Road?

Please enter your destination number now.

My motherfucking headphones up.

Yep, they're even louder than this.

Quali.

Bitches.

This is Rick James.

That's right, bitch.

The real Rick James.

Yes, Rick James, bitch.

The baddest motherfuckers you've ever seen.

And one of the best looking motherfuckers.

One of the best singers.

This is the mixtape, bitches.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy yourself, bitches.

It's a celebration.

Golly.

Step, step up front.

Now high tech, step up front.

Go on brand, step up front.

Tell my people, weak G, step up front, step up front.

Right up, the show's about to begin.

It's a struggle, but it's a beautiful struggle, yeah.

Thursday.

Today is Thursday.

Come a God.

God too.

God.

Which one?

He thinks he's you.

Sounds bad.

Oh, perhaps not. When he decides to announce his divinity, the law sees mad, they'll knock him off.

We're at the Republic!

My friend, this could be the best thing that ever happened.

Are those who believe that life here began out there, across the universe?

Tribes of humans, who may have been the forefathers of the Egyptians, or the Baltics, or the Mayans.

They may have been the architects of the great pyramids, lost civilizations of Lemuria or Atlantis.

Some believe that there may yet be brothers of man who even now fight to survive somewhere beyond the heavens.

There will be no order, only chaos.

That being said, grab a blunt, take a big hit, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

CU Radio, and MadHouseLive.com.

And flight controllers, listen up.

Give me a go, no, go for launch.

Booster.

Retro.

Go.

Vital.

Go fly.

Guidance.

Guidance, go.

Surgeon.

Go flight.

E-com.

We're go fly.

GNC.

We're go.

Tell me.

Go.

Control.

Go fly.

Procedures.

Go.

Inco.

Go.

FAO.

We are go.

Network.

Go.

Recovery.

Go.

Capcom.

We're go fly.

Launch control, this is Houston.

We are go for launch.

Drug real from real real.

Chris, I take rest today.

First of all, um, why don't you shut the hell, why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

The baby is only a little crazy, like painters or composers or some of those men in Washington.

You son of a bitch, you motherfucking, you are under-speaking, fucking, what the fuck do you want?

No, you speak, you speak English, I see.

You motherfucking, you motherfucking.

Go ahead, man.

Motherfucker, you.

You bitch.

Don't never, don't never call a gang to be boring, man.

Mow my lawn, mow my lawn.

You motherfucking.

Why are you so angry?

We're supposed to party.

You lame.

Right now.

We're not alone.

Every day.

Listening to Bizarre S**t Circus.

And I'm your boy, Young Miles, the future.

I'm the good chap.

Dirty 50's rap.

I'm Detroit's son of a s**t.

S**t get his a** on me.

Sorry.

Yeah.

It's, uh, it's, uh, 4.32 p.m.

Excuse me.

Sorry about that.

Don't you wish you were me right now at home.

Anyway, uh, hey everybody.

you're listening to a daytime uh special madhouse edition it is uh the last day of january that

would make it january the 31st 31 days has january there's some rhyme like that and february has 28

except for 129 i don't know something anyway so yeah it's january the 33rd of 06 and it's uh

4.32 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, and you're listening to me, man, Carlito, and I'm here

on the air on PCU Prank call Underground Radio, man, anyway, seriously, yeah, I'm just here

drinking Sam Adams beer, I took it upon myself that I guess 4 o'clock is the earliest that

I could drink alcohol, I am unemployed, I recently lost my job, I am in between jobs,

which means i lost my job a nice way of putting it uh yeah i'm here playing bob marley uh says uh

smoking myself a little sutton and drinking myself a little sutton and uh we'll be taking

your calls toll free the toll free line is open if you'd like to call in uh we'll be coming at

you with a live prank calls today um or tonight whatever you want to call it we're we have entered

the gray area and yeah it's uh right after 4 20 p.m so you know what that means uh when it comes

comes to Carlito, and if you don't, then you should figure it out, you're probably either

too young or too old to realize, or even know what we're talking about, but yeah, you want

to call us in, toll free, anywhere in the United States, no charge to you, again, like

I said, this is a toll free call, I myself am paying this out of my own pocket, with

my unemployment money, so there you go, it's very gracious of me, 1-888-278-8509, excuse

Excuse me.

Once again, you can call me here.

It's not us tonight because I'm, today rather, because I'm by myself.

No co-host is available.

My co-host is a little tied up now, but he's listening.

He'll be backing me up, I'm sure.

But you want to reach us here toll free at 1-888-278-8509.

You can call just to say, hey, what's up?

You can call to tell me that I suck.

You can call to request a prank call.

You can call to do a prank call.

Plenty of things you can do, but you want to call that number.

888-278-8509.

If you are lucky enough to be using any instant messaging software at this point,

well, I'm pretty much on all of them.

AOL Instant Messenger users, you can reach me at Madhouse Radio.

That's Madhouse Radio on AIM, AOL Instant Messenger.

If you're using Yahoo Messenger, Madhouse PCU Radio,

Madhouse PCU Radio, and MSN Messenger,

You want to hit us up at madhousepcuradioathotmail.com.

Now, if you're at work or you're tied up or you don't want to hit me up on an instant message,

you just want to submit a comment or a request if you have a prank call that you want me to do for you,

whether it be someone there with you now at work or at home or a business that gave you some bad service or whatever,

You can call us at 1-888-278-8509.

Hang on real quick.

We have a caller already.

How unexpected.

You're on the air.

Hey, Carlito.

Yeah, who's this?

Turd Burglar.

What's up, man?

I had the day off today.

It's so weird because I never get the day off during the week,

and you just happen to do a show?

I just happen to do a show.

Well, guess what?

I have every day off now because I lost my job.

So every once in a while, I'm thinking every Tuesday I might do a daytime show.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, at least until you get another job.

Until, like, hopefully, hopefully, like, I love doing it, but then again, I like making money, too, on my own, you know what I mean?

Not living off the government and whatnot.

So, cool, man.

So, you got the day off, and you get to listen.

That's cool.

What else you got going on?

You go fishing, or you got anything planned, or just slept in?

I'm sure you slept in, right?

No, I get up every day at the same time.

I got a puppy, and I'm trying to keep her on a schedule.

Oh, okay.

Well, that's a good idea.

You walk her in the morning?

I got this, yeah, I got this pit bull puppy, and my girlfriend freaking painted her fingernails pink.

Pink.

Ooh.

Is it a female pit bull or is it a male pit bull?

Well, it's a female.

It's a female.

But still, though, you don't paint a pit bull's fingers, though, nails, I mean.

Well, I was pretty pissed when she got the pink collar for her.

Oh, no.

But I let it slide, you know.

Yeah.

Well, she came over the weekend, and I was taking a nap, and I woke up, and the dog had a pink fingernail.

Well, that's ass.

You shouldn't tolerate that.

I don't know.

That's your girl.

You're not Mariner, right?

That's your girl?

Right.

Let me ask you, does she live with you?

No, but that's all changing here soon.

She wants to move in.

Yeah, me and my girlfriend, we moved into a place together here.

And she left two days later to go out of town for five months.

So I haven't really experienced it.

But for the most part, we lived together anyway.

She was always at my place for the last five or six months.

So it was the same thing.

But y'all been dating for a long time?

Yeah, well, just over a year.

We've been a couple, an item, for over a year.

and we've known each other since october of 04 i would say okay same same with us we actually uh

our anniversary is supposed to be on halloween so yeah that's right that's right well pretty awesome

yeah i wanted to let you know i've done a whole shitload of prank calls and they're all being

edited right now okay but uh i wanted to let you know man anytime you feel like calling me you've

got this number and then uh i think i added you on my myspace right um yeah i think so you know what

Sometimes my caller ID doesn't come through, you're coming up as incomplete.

That means my phone server is fucked up, so...

Oh, that's cool.

Are you in the chat room?

I'm in the chat room, yeah. If you get in there...

Oh, the cops are going.

Yeah, is that your house or my house?

That's my house.

Oh, okay.

I'm taking a dump and I was thinking, oh man, the cops are trying to get me the hell out of here.

Yeah, no, no, no. If they're coming to get anybody, it's me, so...

I'm smoking too.

Yeah, oh yeah, we gotta watch out.

That's all I do.

That's all I do, man. Wake and bake, baby.

I think when you're a mortician, like, people kind of expect you to be a pothead or a druggie of some sort.

Really? I didn't expect you to be, like, a guy with, like, clammy, pale skin, and you always wear a suit, I'm sure.

You know, that's what I see a mortician as, and not a very big sense of humor.

But, yeah, I've heard you on the other shows, man.

You sound nothing like what I would think a mortician would be.

That's crazy.

Well, everybody pictures the old buzzard, you know, and people tell me I look like Billy Joe from Green Day.

Oh, that's cool. Not bad. Not bad. There you go.

I guess. I think my teeth are better than his.

Oh, good. Well, good teeth is good to have. Yeah.

Yeah. Never look a gift turd burglar in the mouth.

Yeah, never look a gift turd burglar in the mouth, man.

So, how's business treating you? A lot of deaths lately? I mean, business keeping up and everything?

It's actually, it's been slow. We don't have any body in the house, so when I say anybody, I mean any body.

Any bodies. Gotcha.

Yeah, at the funeral home right now, that's how I ended up with the day off today.

But when that happens, usually they get, you know, to slow down and then pick up and then slow down.

Right.

Just like anything else.

Gotcha. Yeah, well.

Yeah, I do the embalming and funeral directing and all that.

Yeah, well, it's been a slow flu season, too, I'm sure, this year.

So that's probably attributed to it also.

I'm kidding.

Well, I live in a retirement community, so the majority of people are already on their way out.

Yeah, it's just a time thing then, right?

Right. Just a matter of time.

Once they start stinking like B.O. bad enough, they usually die and I have to wipe their ass.

That's great, man. The whole wiping ass thing would be horrible.

Do you get them to smile?

Don't you normally get a picture and they want you to make the face look as much like that as possible?

Am I correct? Do you do that?

Usually, when I go to pick them up, I embalm them right after I pick them up,

so there's no chance for a picture.

But actually, I sew their mouth shut, and the way I sew it shut is called setting the features.

And the way I sew it shut, it actually does make him not really smile like, you know, somebody told a joke, but it gives him, like, a non-frowning, natural appearance.

Like a peaceful, kind of blissful look, I see.

Yeah, because, I mean, you don't want to, like, you know, if your grandma dies, you don't want to see her in the casket and she looks like she just had, you know, a bitter beer or something.

Yeah, yeah.

Or, like, you know, Jack Nicholson playing the Joker in Batman.

That kind of smile.

That would be something crazy.

I like that.

I want to make that request when I die.

Before I'm involved, I want to have my mouth in that position exactly for my funeral.

I could do that.

That'd be awesome, man.

That'd be awesome.

Look into that, yeah.

Bitter beer face.

That's great.

When people actually meet me out here in the real world and all that, I usually don't tell them what I do.

But when they find out, they never believe it, you know?

Do they not want to shake your hands after that?

Like maybe you just mess around?

No, they just...

they're so they're usually real surprised that um that i do that because they they expect me

to be something else like a salesman or something just because you know i'm always making jokes and

shit yeah that's crazy well that's understandable people like hey you threw me for a loop when i

heard it too uh there was one more thing i was going to ask you yeah do you do you actually do

the the makeup like do you do the cosmetic did you take cosmetic cosmetic classes or do you got

some lady there who does it for you uh well for the hair uh my boss's wife actually does hair my

My girlfriend is a licensed cosmetologist for hair and nails.

Okay.

And sometimes they do it, but I actually did take a class in cosmetology.

Really? Okay.

They make you.

Wow. And a pinch you could, then, if you had to.

All right.

Well, I do the makeup sometimes, but my girlfriend will go up there and hang out with me, you know, and help sometimes.

Do you have fake arms that you can put next to the body in case, like, they lost their arm or something like that in the process of dying?

Believe it or not, in a case that they do lose an arm,

usually they'll uh they'll get like a fake hand a fake hand yeah exactly yeah yeah but we don't

have them like in stock or anything okay i also learned in school how to how to sculpt out of

clay and i could make like ears and eyes and mouth oh that's crazy to replace oh man well i think it

was that bad if it was someone that i knew you know like it was heaven forbid like a family

member or something like that i'd just say you know close casket but then people start saying

Sometimes, because, I mean, really you should always embalm a dead body

because it's more for, it's not really as much for looks as it is preserving the body

and ridding it of all that decomposition and all that.

But normally, you know, I'll tell the family that, you know, I can try,

and if I think that it's viewable, then I'll let them view and make a decision after they view.

But if they don't want to see it, you know, they don't want to see it.

Exactly, yeah.

I usually try regardless just to, you know, get my skills better on people's faces.

Yeah, that's true.

That's true.

Well, that's crazy.

Yeah, that's a trippy job, but I'm sure it pays well.

I would hope so.

Can we make a call, Carlito?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, we can.

I can do that.

Because I don't want to turn every time I call somebody's show into, like, mortician talk.

Yeah, yeah, we're, like, dragging down here.

I'm sorry about that.

Okay, let's see what numbers I got.

got um yeah i got i got people asking um i got people asking where the chat room's at i never

got to that point but yeah we could do a prank um i don't know the chat room people is uh www.kdk

prank calls.com slash chat slash chat kdk kdk prank calls.com slash chat and kdk is in kill

death kill kill that exactly right i'm sure you'd like that one that's the one i came up with uh

Oh, was it?

Yeah.

I know Zolar uses it, too, but I remember I said that once,

and Zolar thought it was a trip, so we do that now.

kdkbraincalls.com.

If you just go there, you can go to the top of the page,

and you'll see the chat link is there also.

For the listeners that are listening,

give us some numbers while you're searching the web.

Whitepages.com, yellowpages.com, friends, family.

If you get a chance, try to confirm it.

If not, that's okay.

Okay, just confirm that someone's going to answer.

It doesn't, you know, don't be like, get into a prank call with them and they pass it on.

Just ask, is so-and-so there?

And if they say yeah, and is it, or just ask for a wrong name.

Just ask if Susie, is Susie there?

And if they say no, and then just go, okay, thank you.

Hang up.

Yeah.

And say, okay, sorry.

Or prank them and then give us the number.

Yeah, because then they'll be on guard.

They'll probably just be like, stop calling.

But anyway, yeah, Madhouse Radio is on AOL Instant Messenger.

I got two people on there already for the first time messaging me.

So welcome to PCU live shows and the Madhouse.

And, yeah, send me your number, dude, mostdeaf, and AOL, and InsaneJed.

If you have a number you want to send, by all means, go ahead.

Other than that, let me tell you what I got here, man.

Do you want to call it an individual or do you want to call it business?

I'm really good at business.

Yeah, me too.

I like to do business.

I love business.

You always have to be right now to talk to you in a polite manner.

Exactly.

That's right.

um all right business wise let me see what i have here in the date time these are mostly

well it doesn't matter they're going to be there let's call a funeral home funeral home do i have

a funeral let me do a search here for funeral i'm looking at uh previously confirmed numbers

um by a lonesome loser i can i can get you one real quick but i'd have to say the number over

the air because i'm not anywhere near my laptop you're not anywhere i can actually uh meet you

for like 10 seconds real quick all right hang on tell me when you're ready and i'll put you on me

So no one will hear you, but I'll be able to hear you.

Give me another ten seconds.

Okay, no problem.

In the meantime, I'll keep speaking.

Yeah, send us your prank call ideas.

Oh, yeah, if you want to e-mail us if you're at work or at home,

e-mail us at madhouseradio at gmail.com.

That's madhouseradio at gmail.com.

E-mail with your comments or if you have any information for a prank call.

Of course, you want to send the number and the name we're going to ask for.

city and state help out as well as a street name and a little background on

the person to give me an idea of what kind of prank would you do where they

work what they do how old they are yada yada yada okay turd burglary back with

me enter yeah I'm ready yeah okay this is a black a black funeral a

whole awesome okay I'll take let me push I'm gonna push the music up here all

All right, and you are on mute starting right...

Okay, got it. So that's Duncan Funeral Home in Texas.

Yeah, we got a dead body, yo.

All right, okay. You gonna take this one?

Yeah, I'd love to.

Good deal. You got it.

Okay, hang on, everybody. We're coming at you with a live prank call.

This is Turd Burglar calling Duncan Funeral Home in Texas.

We'll be right back after this. Hang on, folks.

I think I did that right.

You did.

Duncan Funeral Home.

Yo, this is Duncan Funeral Home.

Mm-hmm.

All right, y'all located in Livingston?

Yes, sir.

All right, I got a question.

Okay.

I'm in Houston right now.

I'm wondering, can y'all meet me?

Huh?

Are y'all busy today?

Y'all got a funeral going on right now?

No, sir.

I got a deceased for you, but you got to come meet me.

Y'all do that?

Okay, Chris.

Huh?

Hello?

Yeah, what's up?

What's up?

Okay.

What's up?

Okay, what you need us to do?

Huh?

I need y'all to come meet me and take this guy off my hands.

Y'all got prices on that?

Huh?

I can meet you about halfway in Cleveland.

But I ain't got gas money to get farther than that.

Okay, who is he?

Who is the guy?

Uh-huh.

Hell, I don't know.

Call him Benjamin Franklin because he had $100 on him.

But you don't have no idea.

I got his wallet right here.

Okay.

Hi, how you doing, ma'am?

Hello.

My name is Benito Martinez, attorney at law.

Uh-huh.

And the deceased is down here, and we have an issue.

you we need to know if you would be able to set a funeral as soon as possible you know i can't okay

are you gonna come bring it or what's the story are you gonna come get him or do we have to take

him down there ourselves take him down where take him down you know to the to the funeral

okay what's your home and you're talking about taking him to duncan duncan funeral home according

to his last will and statement um he wanted to be buried at duncan funeral home in livingston

on MLK. And who's his next of kin?

Well, he had sexual relations

with Bertha Williams, who I guess

is buried there, and he's requesting

to be buried next to her.

It was the only person that he had

sexual relations with, according to the will

of the state. Sir, listen,

I don't need to know

all that information. But that's what's in his

will. Okay, I'll tell you what, you give me your number

and let me call you back. Okay,

don't do that now, though.

In September 1942,

In 1942, I took this beautiful black woman named Bertha Williams.

Okay. Is your manager there?

This is the manager.

Where's the owner?

Let me speak to your manager.

You're talking to the manager, honey?

A female manager.

In Texas, right?

A female manager in Texas.

Okay, what about the law in Texas?

The law in Texas says you can't refuse us.

The law in Texas says I don't have to accept you.

But it says you can't refuse a body.

Oh, I can't?

That's why I got my attorney on the phone.

That's right.

I'll meet you halfway.

Okay.

I need your attorney's name and phone number.

I need some names and phone numbers.

Okay.

And I need some names of next of kin.

Okay.

My name is Benito Martinez.

Okay.

And the next of kin, she's buried.

He had sexual relations with her.

It says here, in 1942, I had sex with a black lady named Bertha Williams.

Can I have her phone number?

She climbed on top of me with her huge mask.

You seen that movie Jungle Fever?

Let me ask you a question.

I was down there for a burial for my friend Rufus,

and I think my wallet came out of my shirt pocket.

I had it there, and it fell into the casket,

because I can't find it.

That's the only place I can think that it probably ended up.

While we're doing all this, do you think it's possible

we could maybe, you know, bring it back up

and see if it's in there, if it fell in there?

She hung up, Carlito.

Damn it. Crazy woman.

Okay, I got you back.

That was interesting.

You know who's listening to us right now?

Who's listening to us?

Shaquille O'Neal.

No.

Well, I heard Charles Barkley is, but listening to us right now is Moontar.

Who's is it?

Moontar.

Moontar, yeah.

Moontar.

Who's Moontar?

Moontar.

That's the guy that you did the 61-minute phone calls with.

When was this?

Back to back.

When was this?

Probably about a month ago.

A month ago?

I didn't catch that.

Was it on Zolar Show or something like that?

I think somebody had gone off and given Juke his show, you know.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

He did his show.

About 3 to 4 a.m.

Yeah, he did a show on Sunday until 4 or something.

I listed up until 2.30, and I thought, yeah, after Sean,

me and Sean did a show, and then he came on afterwards with his brother.

That fucker sure didn't call me.

I don't know.

At one point, they started fighting each other or something.

I think Matt was beating up on Mark or something while I was in here.

It was really funny, but I was falling asleep in my chair.

I had to go to bed.

KDK tried to get them to incest like a week ago.

No, he didn't.

He didn't do it.

Oh, no, he didn't.

Are you serious?

Really?

KDK did, yeah.

Oh, wow.

I didn't.

Personally, I'd like to see, um, Romeo and Juliet.

Romeo and Juliet, they're kind of far away from each other.

Pennsylvania and San Diego.

Well, that's okay.

That's okay, yeah, we can make it hap-

We'll get our enemy halfway.

Do those things.

Yeah, yeah.

Poor Neo, though.

Wanna call more businesses?

Yeah, we could do that.

We could do another call.

Hang on here, let me see what we got.

Awesome.

Uh, someone sent me a number for an embalmer or something like that.

Oh, okay.

Someone did, I think.

Yeah, there's someone advertises an embalmer on, uh, Yellow Pages.

Oh, like he needs a job or something?

I don't know.

I don't know. On the yellow page, it speaks family and legacy chapels, but it's confirmed it advertises it as an embalmer or something like that.

They're in Independence, Missouri. Let me try that.

All right.

Awesome.

All right, cool. Yeah, you should take this one again, because you know more about this industry than I do, so you get the inside lingo.

Yeah, this guy, whoever answers, is in trouble because the funeral commission is calling.

Good deal. All right, he must have fucked up somewhere along the line.

All right, cool. Well, hang on, dude.

And everybody else, keep listening.

We'll be right back with another Light Brain Call in just a second.

Hang on.

This is Steve from the Funeral Commission.

Can I speak to your funeral director in charge, please?

Okay.

Do you have something in regards to?

I have a funeral director upstairs during a family view right now.

Okay.

Well, is there someone available I can speak to?

I can't really leave a message right now because it's rather important.

Okay.

I can get you to the accounting department.

That's fine.

Okay.

Hold on.

Oh, this is Becky.

Hi, Becky.

I have a question.

My name is Steve, and I'm from the Funeral Commission.

Your receptionist told me you were the one to speak to.

We've got a real problem down here.

It seems that you guys have not paid taxes in some time.

And upon finding this, we started digging.

And I don't know who your embalmer is.

I don't know who's doing your embalming there.

But his license expired three years ago.

That's the main thing.

The taxes, you know, the government deals with.

Okay, let me tell you something.

something. This is Speaks Family Legacy Chapel. Yes, ma'am. I know where I call. I've got

licenses hanging on the wall. Okay, well, that doesn't necessarily mean that they are

valid. We are the ones that issue the licenses, and I'm telling you now that his license has

been expired for three years. Who is he? Your embalmer. Don't play games, ma'am. I

don't have time for this. No, I don't. My embalmer is a female. I'm trying to, you

know, I'm trying to get things straight. Can I speak to your manager, please? Well,

Well, that would probably be Brad if he is out of town.

I mean, I'm not...

Well, you have to have a funeral director in charge.

Is it you?

I'm not a funeral director, no.

Well, who is?

Assistant Secretary of the company.

Okay, well, from what the lady that answered the phone told me,

you guys have a viewing going on right now, right?

Well, I'm back in the office.

Yeah, I think there is one this afternoon.

Okay, well, can I speak to the funeral director in charge?

That's all I ask.

I don't want to discuss these matters with somebody that's not even licensed.

She told me you were the manager.

Well, I'm an officer of the company.

Okay, well, put the manager on the phone.

Well, the manager is in Florida for this week.

He won't be back.

Okay, well, who's in charge?

Tell me again who you are.

My name is Steve Watts.

Okay, wait just a minute.

I'm writing this down.

Sure.

And you are with?

Funeral Commission.

Ma'am, I don't have time for games, okay?

I'm not playing.

You guys could be shut down within weeks.

Are you with the state?

Yes.

Now, what I've got in front of me right now is a case report dated December 15, 2005,

and it says right here that your embalmer embalmed this body and did not use embalming.

It says right here he used Sprite.

What's his name?

It's illegible, but like you said, it could be a girl's handwriting.

Whoever it is signs their name in such a way that I can't tell who it was.

But it says right here on the case report that they used Sprite.

What was the deceased's name?

Jeffrey Williams.

What I need to know is how...

Listen, I've got three funeral homes, and I'm looking at all of the deceased, all of the contracts.

Okay, well, see, I'm calling your funeral home, not two other funeral homes.

I'm calling your funeral home, and the problem at hand is that your embalmer is not using formaldehyde.

Okay, so I need to speak to someone in charge.

You can type on a computer all day, and it's not going to solve this problem.

I don't have, we did not have a service for Jeffrey Williams.

Well, that doesn't mean he wasn't a direct cremation.

Yeah, I mean, I'm looking at all of the contracts, all of the families that we serve.

Okay, well, ma'am, that's not necessarily my concern right now,

that you guys don't keep up on your paperwork.

What my concern is, what my concern is, and bodies are being embalmed without formaldehyde,

and this is a problem for not only me, but for the state.

Yes, ma'am.

You say you're with the Funeral Commission.

I just had a Missouri inspector here today.

Okay, okay.

Now, when they leave here, they inspect quite a few funeral homes.

They actually stay in hotels in whatever cities and towns they go to,

and they don't report back here for sometimes weeks at a time.

So you're trying to dodge the bullet, and dodging the bullet isn't going to help.

No, I'm not dodging the bullet.

We never had a deceased here by the name of Jeffrey Williams.

Well, ma'am, personally, if I was running a funeral home and my embalmer was using Sprite,

then I would probably deny that deceased, too.

Everyone deserves a respectful burial.

I'm going to give you a name.

He's not here.

He's at my other location here in Independence, Missouri.

Okay.

Do you have us in Independence, Missouri?

Yes.

Okay. I want you to call 816-273-

Well, hold on. Hold on. Let me get a pen.

See, when I asked you ten minutes ago to speak to your supervisor, why couldn't we just-

I don't have a supervisor here.

Okay. Well, now you're included, ma'am.

Ma'am, excuse me. Ma'am, my name is Huberto Dominguez, and we're on conference call.

I'm on speakerphone. I must apologize, but I'm with the firm of Lillian Lillian Taylor,

and we are representing the estate of the deceased.

We have found out so horribly now that...

Can you explain why...

Exactly, Mr. Williams, please.

Let's refer to him as Mr. Williams.

First of all, I believe every here in the greens is saying he should get...

Yeah!

Okay, yeah, his mother said yes.

Regardless, can you explain to us how it's possible that your embalmer used Sprite?

Sprite, apparently. It's either Sprite or Sierra Mist. We're not sure exactly what.

We did not have a Jeffrey Williams here.

Well, this must be...

Or any one of our three funeral homes.

Well, then I must...

I'm trying to give you a number of Chuck Townsend.

Why don't you put...

That you can call.

Do you have a man who's working there who's in charge?

Or perhaps someone who's not a female who possibly doesn't know, understand how to listen to reason?

That's been my problem since the beginning.

I know.

I mean, you get somebody without something in between their legs,

and they don't have anything between their ears.

No, I mean, Chuck Townsend is a male.

Well, let's talk to him, then.

Okay. His number?

No, no, no, no, no. I don't have time for this.

You need to get us on three-way immediately, because if not,

remember, the inspector just left today, and we're following up,

and his last stop before he leaves town is to get this report from us.

So I don't know how seriously, how much you regard your job,

But perhaps maybe you want to get us with...

Who's your funeral director who's upstairs or something like that?

You have a funeral director upstairs doing a one-on-one viewing?

Let me put you on hold and go find out.

Let's hurry up, then.

Move along.

I suppose we're on hold there.

Yeah, when these guys get this lawsuit, they're going to shit bricks.

That place is closing down.

I know.

And we're coming down.

I know you guys are coming down strong in the whole state.

Because we've had problems.

We have had problems.

Horrible, horrible, this service.

I don't know why they buried him like they did.

Calm down, ma'am. Calm down.

At least they didn't use...

At least they didn't use no phantom.

Yeah.

Or a big red. I know.

I know.

His favorite was the orange.

I know. It says here in the will.

He's supposed to be buried with a two liter orange phantom.

They didn't even do that either.

The funeral director that we have here is Mark Preston.

He is with family and...

I don't know why they buried him like they did.

Oh, Lord Jesus.

Jesus, why?

Why? I'm bad, please, miss.

Take her outside.

I ain't done what they done to me.

You see how upset she is?

I ain't leaving. I said I ain't leaving.

Are you doing something?

Tell you that Mark Preston is funeral director.

On speakerphone, then, or?

Yeah, I'm not going to talk to you off of the phone now.

Well, everybody...

If somebody's listening, then why don't they talk to you?

I already told you.

You can make this into a bigger deal than it is, and you can involve yourself.

But as of right now, it's between the owner of your funeral home.

Reed Almerson.

Typed on the typewriter. It's signed. It's a signature.

Even I can't even make out what is or her whoever signed it. I can't even make out their license

That's why we're calling figure out you're not offering us any information. They obviously don't don't have any professionalism there

They don't they don't understand how how signatures work there

You can see that I understand when there's when they're throwing out their new resume

I'll understand something you'll probably lose it will be kind of quicker wouldn't it nine seven five one eight on the room

We're good. That was pretty good man. Yeah, I think someone was counted at how long was that call man?

That was a pretty long call.

That was pretty good, though.

Moontar in the chat room says he was recording, and it was 11 minutes.

11 minutes long.

Not bad.

That's awesome.

That was a good call.

That's about my average is probably about 50.

Yeah, that's cool.

Yeah, that was pretty good, though.

We even had the lady and the slamming of the doors and everything.

I don't know how well that came out, but that was pretty funny.

No, it sounded really believable.

Were you doing both voices?

Yeah, I was doing both voices.

I'm here by myself.

Oh, yeah, it was good.

Yeah, that's cool.

I like these daytime pranks.

It's a lot better than nighttime ones, I'm sorry to say.

Yeah.

All right, man.

All right, well, look at this.

I need to take a quick break and grab something here.

I'm going to let you go.

I don't know, what time is it now?

5-11.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's cool.

All right, yeah, if I stay on, I'm going to come on later tonight for the State of the Union address, actually.

Oh, good.

I'm going to be broadcasting that live, and I'm going to have commentary here with myself.

Maybe a few other people might be on at the same time.

So there's an alternative.

Just for now, we're 9 o'clock to 10 o'clock, if not shorter.

and then K-Bone will take over at 10.15, I guess, with his live show tonight.

Which is equally good.

Exactly.

So don't miss it tonight.

You be there, and I'm sure I'll be there.

Okay.

Here in Texas, it's 4.12, so I've got eight minutes to kill.

Eight minutes left.

All right, man.

Well, go pack yourself a bowl, whatever it is you do, and then you should be good to go.

Yes, sir.

All right, man.

We'll enjoy.

Here's to you.

I'll join you at 5.20 then.

All right, man.

Later.

All right, Carly.

All right.

Peace, man.

Bye.

All right, cool.

That was Turd Burglar, everybody.

buddy turd burglar thank you for joining in and uh all right quiet you uh 13 minutes total

moon tar in the chat room is reporting that was awesome 13 minutes um to that uh funeral home not

bad not a bad uh start to the show we're technically almost like an almost not an hour and we're

getting there though we're like uh 30 40 minutes into the show and we've done pretty well so yeah

Yeah, let me go into the email bag here, which is at madhouseradio at gmail.com.

That's madhouseradio at gmail.com.

Excuse me.

We have a Canadian request here to a lady named Krista.

And I guess they are playing.

It looks like they're probably playing some kind of online poker game here.

And, yeah, his idea is that I prank her about that, saying that she owes money.

Well, that's awesome.

That's Krista and her husband, Charles, in Canada.

So, yeah, we'll probably get to that next here.

But I do need to take about a three-minute quick little break.

I'm going to play a little bit of music here for you guys.

I'll be back in about a minute or two.

All right, make that a minute or two.

Just got to get up and grab another beer here for myself.

And I got to make sure that the cats are okay.

They're making weird noises.

Anyway, a lot of talk about nothing.

I'll be right back in just a moment, folks.

folks, and we're going to come back with our next prank call

in just one second. Hang on.

jabs, and jamborees, just clap your hands.

The sound of the wheels when you're with flash tones.

Members only, as is.

I've been sharing your shoes with your microphone rooms.

Your suits with your parachute boots.

Passing the duchy from coast to coast.

Code now.

Para mentales en español, marca feliz con el.

You have 19 cents for your destination number now.

40, 4, seconds, 12 minutes may vary for the terms printed on your card or purchase.

May I speak with either Chris DeWales or Charles Ford, please?

Speaking.

Is this Mr. Ford?

Yes, sir.

Well, good afternoon, sir.

My name is Jack Valente, and I'm calling you from PokerStars.net, collections department.

department um apparently someone there at your residence there uh has been playing online on

our website quite a bit here at pokerstars.net and uh we are owed a sum at this point of 239

dollars and 25 cents and we'd like to know if you are able to go ahead and pay that sooner

there will be a suspension of your account pardon me um she has uh either she or yourself

itself has lost several games, totaling $239.25 in the last 10 minutes.

In the last 10 minutes, we haven't been playing in the last 10 minutes.

Well, if it goes up past $200, we quickly try to make a call to the number on file

to make sure that you're aware.

I actually got an update here.

Another bet has been lost, $242.28.

Okay, you know what? We're not even on line right now.

I think you're lying, man.

We have...

Excuse me.

We have your name.

We have your...

Okay, and what is the name?

You're everything.

What is the address?

What is the email?

Give it to me right now.

We don't give that out.

How do I know that you're not going to use that?

Hey, exactly.

How do I know?

Because you know what?

We're not even online right now.

You listen to me.

We've been having dinner.

Pretty lady, who has dinner at this time of day?

What are you, a vampire?

Excuse me.

You're a bum.

It's 5.30.

You people are bums.

It's 5.30.

You know what, asshole?

Look, bitch.

Don't try and tell me that I owe you money.

I'm an attorney.

I can't owe you money that I don't have, that I don't have.

Ma'am, ma'am, calm down.

Bring it down to a tone, because if not, I'm going to charge you.

You know what my bankroll rate is right now?

It's 30.

I don't believe it.

Okay, I'm not going to tell you, but it's not 200 and some odd dollars.

I believe it.

I don't believe it.

I've got to be honest with you.

I don't believe it.

Okay, well, you know what?

It's 530.

I'm in Ontario, Canada.

I don't care.

And that's what most people have.

You know what?

I don't care.

Try and get it from me, then.

This is America.

i have not been playing oh i think you're you probably believe me i lived in this i lived in

the same you know what i bet you know what i'm a smart person you know how much i make

forty five thousand dollars a year oh hey damn it what a bitch damn that's a firecracker right

there man gee well that was that that was what it is that was a prank call to some lady who yeah

she really flips so that goes out to uh uh mr steve uh steve on email thank you very much

there it is for you we're trying to freak her out i'll have to save that maybe call her another time

that's pretty good um yeah if you want to call in uh the show you can reach us at 1-888-278-8509

again that's 1-888-278-85 you can call us uh toll free no charge to you uh the numbers are

gradually going down as people are leaving home uh to go home from work it looks like we're down to

uh about we've lost a few a few listeners here but we're also gaining some too so i thank those

of you who are at home or are still listening those on the west coast perhaps uh right now

it's 5 21 p.m eastern standard time it's uh 2 21 p.m on the west coast and we're going to come at

you with another prank call in a second um if you want to send us some ideas madhouse radio

madhouseradio at gmail.com

That's madhouseradio at gmail.com

And a good welcome to all of you who are listening for the first time.

This is the Madhouse Daytime Edition.

We are normally on Thursday evenings at 9.30 p.m. Eastern or so.

There's, for the most part, a live show every night of the week.

So if you don't happen to catch us on a certain night, you can always try to get us again.

Um, yeah, recorded prank calls all day and live shows and live prank calls all night.

Hang on, guys.

You're in the madhouse, hello.

Hello.

Well, that was someone calling in, but someone either thought I hung up on them or something when they heard that noise.

Yeah, if you hear that, uh, doo-doo-doo noise, that, uh, it's not that you have the wrong number or disconnected number.

It does that automatically.

It lets you know that you're on the air.

Let's try to take that caller again.

You're on the air, go ahead.

Yes, good afternoon.

Yes.

Uh, this is Carlito in the madhouse.

Who's this?

Awesome, this is Chris.

Alright, what's up?

You called Popeyes.

Okay, is that the number? Okay, I think you sent me that number now. Is this also Pimp Slut or is this someone else?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pimp Slut? Okay, okay, okay, okay. Hang on, let me add you right quick here. You're on AOL? What are you on? AOL, right?

Yeah.

Okay, I'll add you there so I have you on file and now I know who you are. Okay, the Popeyes, this is Tampa? Or St. Pete? Or what is it?

It's Newport Ritchie.

Newport Ritchie, the NPR. Nice.

Yeah.

I hate you, Port Richie.

Okay.

Anybody you know who's working or something like that?

Or should I just come call in and be surly?

Actually, I don't think you should mention any names.

All right, we'll do that.

Yeah.

All right, no problem.

Trust me, it'll be anonymous.

Don't worry, they wouldn't even know you were here.

Okay, good deal.

All right, well, I'm going to call that right now.

Just keep listening, man.

Okay, thanks.

All right, Popeye's coming next.

Later, man.

Peace.

Bye.

That was Pimp Slut, everybody.

Thank you.

Okay, he's pointing out that he sent me a number here on AOL.

Well, you can do the same if you're on AOL Instant Messenger.

Hit me up at Madhouse Radio.

That's Madhouse Radio on AOL Instant Messenger.

Popeyes in Newport Ritchie, Florida, coming up right now.

Be right back with that, folks.

Hang on.

We have 158 minutes.

Thank you for calling Popeyes.

This is Megan speaking.

How may I help you?

Well, how are you doing?

Are you having a blessed day today, Megan?

Yes, I am.

Excellent.

Are you a Christian, Megan?

No.

You're not a Christian?

No.

Oh, dear.

Well, that's horrible.

Anyway, look, we're here at the Episcopal Church here down on New Port Richey here,

the First Adventist.

Okay.

We have approximately 110 people who would love to have some of your delicious chicken.

Okay.

Let me get the manager for you so he can set this all up for you, okay?

Fabulous.

Okay.

Thank you.

Good afternoon, Popeye's Renal speaking.

How can I help you?

Hello, sir.

Sir, my name is Pastor Jameson, and I'm here down at Newport Ritchie at the First Adventist Church,

and we'd like to see if we can get some catering done here.

We got about over 25 people, I would say, who would just love to have some of your fabulous chicken.

Okay. Well, that's good.

Now, here's the one thing now.

These are African-American gentlemen, and they like to have their food spicy.

And they like to have their food spicy?

Yeah, so we need to make sure that you put some extra of that kick in that cage,

and you know that make you just one with your fingers I just want so sure okay

now tell me about your size what is your up that rice shit you got the rice and

beans stuff what's that now the who the rice and beans oh yeah and we have how

do you make it well you have rice and then you have the meat that go in it oh

and then you have onions that go in it oh you got onions in that too yeah oh

Oh, God, I can just taste it right now.

Yeah, I think it'll be pretty good for you.

Yeah, what do you think?

The devil wants me to have onions.

The devil wants you to have onions?

Yeah.

Well, I don't know.

Well, you know what?

If the devil wants you to have onions, I don't think you better have onions.

All right, maybe I should just stick to the chicken then, huh?

I don't know.

How much chicken would you like?

About 100 pieces of chicken?

Well, that's only like five pieces each.

You know, these people, they like to eat, man.

They can really eat?

Yeah, they're black.

you know black people eat needy you know black people black people oh okay so the black people

eat a lot of chicken are you black am i black yes no i'm not black can you please let me talk

to someone who's not black talk to someone that's not black or is a christian um i'm both i'm not

black and i'm a christian you're a black christian well no i'm black and i'm and i'm a christian

you're black i'm not black so what are you then um actually uh don't i am an american don't

bullshit me i'm not bull skating you bull skate yeah i don't curse no no no it's bullshit come on

now i know i don't curse go to hell say go to hell huh say go to hell say go to hell oh you said

you cursed yo no what the fuck yo what the fuck yo you cursed yo see you just cursed yo i never

What the fuck, man?

Why you so dirty, yo?

Why want your chicken for?

You talking dirty in the chicken, yo.

Out of curiosity, what happened to the church?

The church?

So you're cursing and everything, too.

What happened to the church?

We're outside the church now.

Oh, so you can curse on the outside?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's how Episcopalians do it.

What are you, Baptist or something?

Uh-uh.

What are you, Catholic?

Uh-uh.

What are you?

I'm non-denomination.

I'm nothing.

So you said you're Christian?

You're lying.

You're going to hell now.

How?

Because Jesus is going to send you to hell.

Why?

Because you lied.

You said you were Baptist at the beginning of the call.

I never said that.

Well, you're on the radio, so everybody's hearing this right now.

Oh, we are?

And they heard your curse.

They heard my curse?

Yeah, so it's on.

We got proof we're going to send it.

Who did you call?

We called Popeye's in Newport, Richey.

Where is Popeye's?

In Newport, Richey, Florida.

What part?

What's the address?

I don't know.

727 is your area code.

I'm not going to quote.

You remember that you're on the air?

I can't kind of give out your information like that.

Why you couldn't?

Because someone could go down there saying, you know, yo, what the fuck, yo?

You know what I mean?

I'm sorry.

But you wouldn't say that, though.

No, I don't think so.

But we have 5, you know, 520, you know, Little Road.

520 Little Road?

Yeah.

520.

Well, it's actually 5220 Little Road.

Little Road.

All right.

Yeah.

And Newport Ritchie.

Yeah, so I gave a shout-out.

Everybody need to come and get some chicken.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, you coming to get some chicken?

Well, you know, I got a Maryland fried chicken next to me that I was thinking about.

You got a who?

Maryland, you know Maryland fried chicken?

Maryland fried chicken?

Yeah.

I never heard of that.

There can't be nothing like Popeye's.

There's one here in Orlando.

I don't like Popeye's that much.

Why?

No, I don't know.

Get out of here.

You're better than KFC, but you're no Publix.

That's what I say.

Well, well, think about this.

You got to admit, Publix is better than your chicken, man.

I doubt that very seriously.

No, the Publix, don't make me go down there with an eight piece of Publix fried chicken and prove it wrong.

Tell you what, let's do a poll.

Why don't you take on, since you're on the radio, take a survey.

How many people like your Popeye's versus Publix?

Well, we're nationwide, so a lot of most people.

It don't make no difference.

You can do it nationwide.

There's no Publix nationwide.

They're only in Florida, man.

Well, I see there you go.

You're missing there, so it's all about Popeye's.

But anyway, I'm going to have to come down there tomorrow and let you taste Publix chicken.

And I want you to say to me that that's better.

Man, you must be out of your mind.

Get out of here.

Publix is the best.

In Florida, you can't get as best.

Anyway, we're talking fresh.

You got to remember, man, Popeye's is like an addiction.

It's like crack cocaine.

You got to have it.

Yeah, well, I heard they put something in that.

You ever have Church's chicken?

Nah, nah, nah.

We don't put nothing in our chicken.

You know, Church's chicken, I heard, is better than yours, too.

Oh, you do?

You like Church's better?

Yeah, that's better, too.

Get out of here, for real?

Now, you guys are better than KFC, for sure, but you know Publix, and you definitely know churches.

Oh, well, that's cool, because guess what?

What?

As far as Popeyes, we're owned by the same people.

Oh, really? But, yo, you got that dry stuff. It's dry. Your chicken's dry, man, dry.

Now, what?

Yeah, uh-huh.

What? Who is that?

Who is what?

The person in the background talking over there.

What do you mean?

Who you talking to back there, quieting in the microphone?

Who you talking to?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Why you dissing me, yo?

Nah, man, I wouldn't diss you like that, man.

I think you're a pretty interesting person.

Yeah, but you're tracing my call.

I gotta go.

Get out of here.

How I'm gonna trace your call, man?

What do you think, what, the FBI or something?

No, you got the chicken machine.

The chicken machine?

Yeah, you got the chicken industry is powerful, man.

Oh.

Yo, so I heard you guys in Popeyes and churches,

I heard you got these factories where you got these chickens with tubes in them

and they don't have any beaks and stuff oh you got the wrong ones that's klc you didn't know that no

but they said it was popeyes not them nah they inject me chicken they don't oh that's nasty yeah

you know that no i'm serious man they inject they just um how you make the cajun chicken how do you

make that man do you how do we make it yeah the the spicy one do you add the spice right there

does it come but you got to remember this if i did it man i have to kill you oh no no no that's

a secret man you don't supposed to know that i don't need this recipe i just need to know how

you do you season it there before you fry it or do you like do you does it come already separate uh

spicy chicken and regular no no we we we hands-on okay so you do it right there you add the spiciness

well the employees do yo so let me connect if i gave you some money could you think you could

give me some of the the cajun the the cajun spice you know what i couldn't do nothing like that

that's against my moral principle we'll be honest though you take some of that home sometimes put it

on your plate no man yeah you do how can i take something that's already mine i don't know no well

you take it home to put on like your rice and beans and stuff i got my own special seasoning

brother what's that i can't tell you it's a secret it's the animal semen no not even that man

i'm serious yeah you get that crystal hot sauce right no i don't even deal like that i don't like

hot sauce you go to public's and buy their chickens while you do all right look i gotta go

Nah.

All right, well, you take care.

You know what?

Hey, it's been fun, and guess what?

Yeah, what?

If you ever over here, call us, man.

We'll see.

Hey, when are you going to call us again?

I don't know.

Maybe...

Who is this anyhow?

Well, my name is Carlito.

I'm doing a radio show in Orlando, and it's broadcasting all over the nation right now.

You got...

Ah, well, why you don't send no tickets or nothing, man?

You're going to call here and want to play, but you don't send no tickets.

You ain't right, Carlos.

I don't have no tickets.

You ain't got nothing.

Nah, but, hey...

You know what, though, Carlos, I'll tell you what.

What?

You ever heard of Mr. Click?

Mr. Click? No.

Is that a...

Oh, motherfucker, bitch.

Asshole.

Heard of her to click.

Make me look bad on my own show, son of a bitch.

That was long and drawn out.

I don't know.

I ain't even looking at the chat room to see what people said about that.

I got off on a fucked up tangent there, man.

This guy sounds like milk.

Equals Cheel Jackson.

I don't know.

Yeah, Turdburger said I had done four accents.

That's right.

I did a lot of accents there.

Anyway, yeah.

Speaking of chat rooms, if you're not there, you want to meet us over at kdkprankcalls.com.

That's K-D-K as in kill, death, kill, K-D-Kprankcalls.com.

That's the homepage for PCU Radio, the station you're listening to us right now.

You can download hosted pranks there.

You can download sound boards from there.

You can join the chat room, which is free, using our Java client.

or you can also use an IRC program such as Merck.

We're at irc.lazy-net.de.

Okay, so that's that.

The sister site for kdkprankcalls.com is now fartsteam.com.

That's fartsteam.com.

And you can reach the Madhouse homepage at madhouselive.com.

That's madhouselive.com.

okay um so that one went out for pink uh pimp slut that's the popeyes in newport rich i don't

know if homeboy works there or know someone who works there but whatever uh whatever you say man

uh we get the foe the female jewish rabbi i've spoken to her before merrily gordon i think i

have i don't know she's cool we could talk to her um we have a hooters in topeka kansas and we have

a hooters in wichita kansas you know i've never been to a hooters i gotta check that out one day

That was loud.

So, yeah.

A little music here for you guys.

Yeah, I got to check out a Hooters.

I've never been to one of those.

And Wing sounds good right about now.

I don't know what I'm going to make for dinner.

Times it now.

It's 537.

Anyway, you want to reach us toll free at 1-888-278-8509.

You can call in.

And the email for the show is madhouseradio at gmail.com.

madhouseradio at gmail.com.

Let's see if I can find a number here that I can call.

Yeah, we got some numbers here from Madman, who runs the server that we're chatting on.

Probably be calling one of those next. I really don't have anything else for the time being.

Let me go one more place here, see what I have in the archives.

Let's take a look at last week's numbers.

Yeah, this is all from Lonesome Loser, who's a regular here at PCU and in our chatroom.

He's a very, very consummate gentleman who loves confirming numbers for us.

I wonder what time it is over in jolly old England.

I think it's 11 o'clock right now.

12. It's 11 p.m. or 12 p.m. right now.

There is a Middle East Bakery's.

Oh, that's in Australia.

It's probably super late over there right now.

Let me try to find some numbers here in England that I can call.

Because I haven't done an international call all night.

Let me look up London here.

London. Okay.

Oh, right in front of me the whole time.

We've got the Manor Hotel and Restaurant in London.

London. The City's Boutique. Crown Plaza. We got Mr. Peeps Adult Superstores. That's

cool. We got a gentleman by the name of A. Scott Cumming. We got a Noveltel London and

XL Hotel in East Porter, England. That's interesting. Okay. Abbey Hotel. I got a bunch of stuff

here I can do, actually. Let's call one of these hotels in London, then. Let's get a

a little international on your ass um again if you want to reach us at aol instant messenger

that's madhouse radio and you can call in toll free at 1-888-278-8509 here's a little bit of

fastball the way we'll be right back after this and actual minutes may vary per the terms printed

on your card or posters i can call for one cent left 39 seconds hello hello ma'am hello ma'am

I asked you a question.

How is it possible that I go down there and one of your women spread her jigglies all over my potato salad, bitch?

Nine seconds to do something.

That's all I could think of.

I figured, why waste the 39 cents?

So, yeah, I couldn't call Britain because one cent buys me, like, zero minutes to Britain.

And I don't have another international card right now.

So, I'm going to have to call something here in the States.

I've got a number here

from Fix

on AOL Instant Messenger

where you can reach us at Madhouse Radio

Fix is asking me to call

Matt who just graduated from school

plays World of Warcraft

and Battlefield 2 all the time and has zits

all over his face and he lives in Texas

and he drives a Civic

oh my fucking god

what's up

don't be dissing old Popeye's chicken man

Popeye's

It's better than KFC, but I'm telling you, it's no Church's Chicken or anything else like that.

What's Publix, anyway? I've never had that.

Publix is a grocery store here in Florida that makes really awesome fried chicken and really good subs.

Better than Subway, even.

Huh.

Yeah.

We need one up here in Tennessee.

Yeah.

Well, fuck.

What do you have there in Tennessee? Do you have Winn-Dixie's up there in Tennessee or something?

Winn-Dixie's?

Yeah.

Yeah, we have Winn-Dixie's. We have Piggly Wiggly's, of course.

Piggly Wiggly's out of business here.

Okay.

It's rocking up here.

That's like the big source of everything right now.

Piggly Wiggly's around here is better than anything else.

What happened to Food Lion?

They went out of business up there?

I don't, I've never been to the Food Lion.

There's not a Food Lion over here where I live.

I thought they were out of Tennessee.

Maybe not.

Maybe South Carolina.

They're out of somewhere.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Maybe more eastern, more touristy area, which is East Mountain.

Okay, gotcha.

So, yeah.

What's going on, Carlito?

How is the con going on?

This is Tuck, by the way.

Yeah, I know it's Tuck.

Yeah, I got you.

I figured by your last name here, which I won't give out, but I figured it was Tuck.

Yeah, yeah, well, yeah.

It's really not much of a thing to ask.

Oh, I know, exactly.

Yeah, no problem, no problem.

Well, hey, yeah, the convention went good.

Sean had a great time, and I gave out a ton of flyers for PCU with the show schedule

and Madhouse, and it's got your logo on there, the Che Guevara one that was on there.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to scan it tonight.

You know what? I'm going to scan that tonight, and I'll email you a JPEG of it, too.

Yeah, show me.

Yeah, I'll show you. It was a last-minute thing.

Yeah, yeah, I spent money, a lot of money at Kinko's printing it.

But I have, like, around 300 of them left that I'm going to give out at this even bigger convention that we get at the end of February.

Oh, who's going to be the headliner for this?

I haven't looked into it. I'm trying to think.

They pull people from comic books and from movies and from sci-fi and from Star Trek and Star Wars.

I wouldn't know. That's the mega convention in Orlando.

Megacon.

Didn't they have

Roger Corman

or something like that

for the...

Sure.

Who was in the last one?

I'm trying to think.

I know Sid Haig was there.

He's the guy that

KDK has called in the past.

There was...

George Romero was there.

Oh, okay.

They had...

They had some guy from Lost.

They had...

They had Robert Englund.

I guess he's Freddy.

And they had, like,

two of the Jason Voorhees's

or whatever.

The Jason from...

I don't know much

about horror movies,

so I couldn't tell you.

Jason.

That was the guy

with the mask.

That was, um, Nightmare, no, that was, um, fuck.

How do I not know this right now?

I always blank out.

No, no, I'm not much of a horror, but although I'm doing a horror, uh, series for podcasting,

part of what I do, uh, on piece comic book related.

Yeah.

Right now I'm working on, on a, a horror series, which is like, like.

Yeah, the older ones, right?

Stuff like that.

Yeah, it actually influenced a lot of what you're seeing.

I think it had, like, comments in the middle of it and stuff like that.

Uh, more.

Hey, what would you want to do that?

I'll be doing that tonight to the president though. I'm trying to see these guests

They got there they got a bunch of Star Trek people like actors in Star Trek Babylon 5 Angel Charm God Buffy

Till the guy who did tells that who was a the crypt keeper until the crypts gonna be there

Yeah, Billy West from Futurama and Ren Stimpy's gonna be there my bunch of comic book people Harry Potter

Oh space ghost is gonna be there George. He's cool. Actually. I've met him before

Yeah, he's cool.

Kathy St. George.

Kathy St. George, she was across from us.

There were all these playmates and stuff that had their own little booths,

and they were right by where me and Sean Ward were at.

We got to watch them, the whole convention.

It was really cool.

I've had to watch the trashy horror movies that he puts out,

and I've had to work.

Did Sean go over in the end?

Yeah, he had a great time.

It went over well.

He sold quite a few of his products.

He didn't sell out, but he sold a lot.

He met a lot of people.

It was a good time.

He kind of wished that he would have come for the second one

because that's the really big one at this really big, nice convention center.

This one, they kind of held it out in the fairgrounds.

It was indoor, but it was at the fairgrounds,

so it was a little more localized for local people.

But they still got hundreds and hundreds of visitors.

But, yeah, the one in like three or four weeks is even bigger.

So, yeah, I'm definitely going to do that.

I need to get back in something I haven't done in a while.

Yeah, well, the cool thing I might do here,

I made some contacts during this whole thing,

and I might be able to get in either under press credentials

or I might be able to be considered a published artist

if I were to make a CD of my show.

Or for doing the show, I could actually come in as press.

So I could get into these conventions for free.

I might even get a table.

And all I do with it is push, like, PCU.

I just have an actual PCU booth here.

Yeah, yeah, and I, exactly, and these are our target audiences.

Yeah, exactly, exactly.

I'd offer to sell KDK, I'd sell his CDs for him there and everything.

Yeah, I could make one of my, I'm sure I have enough content now I can make a semi-decent prank call CD

and try to get it pressed and stuff like that.

You know me, though.

Yeah, that's right, okay.

I've got to find a cheap avenue to press it, but anyway, we've got other things we've got to work on, too.

Yeah.

We've got to get an audition CD.

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, I've been behind.

It's because Sean was down here, but yeah.

This week is going to be the week, watch.

We'll work on that shit.

We're going to get some daytime pranks in during the week that I'll record.

Yeah, I like you.

I might do it tomorrow, too, as a matter of fact.

I've been dubbing it.

I'm dubbing it.

420 shows, cool.

I think we'll call it that, too.

We'll call it Madhouse 420.

420 shows, I like that.

Yeah, we'll do something.

We'll work a name for it.

420 something or the Madhouse 420.

Madhouse at 420.

There we go.

Awesome.

if I can start on time, for sure.

Good idea, Tuck, good idea.

Yeah, truth, yeah, see, then we'll have,

see, yeah, if I get up in time for the next convention,

then, yeah, we'll definitely got to do that.

All right, man, well, I think I'm going to head out.

Well, dude, I'm going to let you go when you do your...

Yeah, gotcha.

And you some other time.

Gotcha, man, we'll talk soon, later, man.

All right, Tuck, bye.

All right, that's Tuck, everybody.

All right, let's try to see

if I can get in one more prank call

before I call it an afternoon,

noon because i'm going to head off and do some errands get some shopping to do i've got some

cooking to do and then i will hopefully be back at nine o'clock to try to make fun of uh the

president i'm going to try to do a simulcast of the state of the union address i don't know what

unless kdk kdk might not like that so we'll see what happens if he says no if he gets on he's

he doesn't like the idea of it then i'll get off but if not then i'll do it we'll see what happens

um now nobody has sent me the number for saul islander uh that's cool uh madman says he sent

me a vibrator number st louis vibrator products in missouri there's another one cool cool cool

cool yen's chinese american taxi dispatch yeah i've been thinking about that okay who's this we

got a guy um named bob who's an auto mechanic who doesn't finish jobs doesn't call you back when

he's supposed to that sounds interesting i'm gonna give him a call as a matter of fact so

hang on folks let me get uh bob the mechanic here on the line we'll be right back in a second with

another live prank call just one moment 100 hello man speak to bob please bob how you doing i'm with

raul gomez and associates we are an attorney firm and apparently you have a vehicle there for my

client and you haven't fixed it uh correctly he hasn't gotten it back and we're calling a

complain bob very good what do you have to say about yourself nothing oh my god i'm gonna yo

yo man what's up yo yo when the fuck i'm gonna get my car yo yo you suck bob you suck man you

fucking suck yo yo let me ask you a question man what yo why do you suck so much man sorry guys

that was bob i totally fucked that up the 888 is down the 888 should not be down the 888 was busy

the dead 888-278-8509 motherfucker that's 1-888-278-8509 so try it now and it probably won't

be busy because i was on the phone when you tried to call the dead the dead at pcu regular here in

the evenings and even during the day um erlander our good friend erlander saul erlander to be exact

who is I guess is the grandfather someone correct me tell me real quick in the chat room um who

prank master is I mean not who prank uh who who uh salt erlander is that his uncle or his

grandfather I'm not sure his father what exactly let me know so I can uh call this guy like

everybody else has been doing he claims okay um the grandmother is is salt erlander whatever okay

Okay, we'll figure it out.

Looking to see what numbers I have here available to call.

See if I can do one or two more before I head out.

Yen's Chinese.

American Taxi Dispatch.

Okay.

Let's try American Taxi Dispatch, ladies and gentlemen.

Okay.

Hang on.

We'll be right back with another prank call.

Live one, that is.

In just a moment.

We're calling American Taxi Dispatch Incorporated.

Your call may be monitored for quality control.

To use our automated call-taking system, press 1.

To speak to an operator, press 0 now.

Gracias por llamar a American Taxi.

Para usar nuestro sistema de llamadas automáticas, por favor.

I'm doing horribly, actually, if I must be honest. Is that okay?

What's wrong, sir?

Well, hopefully there's no type of problem here.

I was driving down my vehicle, and as a matter of fact,

In fact, I was cut off very rudely by one of your taxis on I-90.

The gentleman was either eating at the wheel or on his cell phone.

He's swerving all over the place.

He almost hit me, and then I actually came out of the vehicle,

and just because I got out and yelled at him and punched the window,

he gave me the finger and drove off.

It's not like I actually damaged the vehicle.

I mean, what is the big deal?

Fine. He has no right to be driving like that.

So he deserved it.

Well, here's the problem.

I asked him...

You know the cab number?

Yeah.

What's the cab number?

1-8-2-5-7-3-4-9-2.

No, they're three-digit numbers.

2-8-3-9-5-7-4-2-3-1.

No, three-digit numbers.

Is there a man I can talk to?

Sure.

You want to talk to my supervisor?

What's his name?

His name is Stan.

Okay, go ahead.

Put Stan the man on, please.

Okay, hold on.

Our fleet of American taxis has grown steadily to 750 sedans...

and serving Cook, Lake, DuPage, McHenry, Will, and Kane counties.

Our ads are constantly en route to and from O'Hare, Midway, and downtown Chicago.

That's why we establish low flat rates with every suburb,

constantly crisscrossing over 200 Chicagoland suburbs.

Our large fleet is within minutes of your pickup address.

For nine years, our customers have enjoyed the simple convenience of our automated reservation system.

In fact, over 10,000 automated system orders are placed by our customers every week

to activate the program correctly.

After that, you can take the program to the mobile by taking taxi rides to doctors,

shopping, restaurants, or anywhere.

All right, this is obviously going to take too long,

so I'm going to keep it on hold in the background.

I'm going to turn the music down.

I'll keep it on in the background, and I'll put it on as soon as someone comes back.

But in the meantime, let me give out the homepage for the show.

That's madhouselive.com.

Again, that's madhouselive.com.

Kdkprankcalls.com is the home page for PCU.

And fartsteam.com is the new sister site.

Mad Men is putting out, yeah, there's a vibrator product company.

What's the name of that place again?

Am I having a huge orgy, he says.

Good idea.

Hello, yes, you're on a conference call here.

Hello?

Excuse me?

Hang on.

Hello?

Yo, who the fuck, yo?

Hello?

Yo, this dude got pissed off at the cab man.

He threw his cell phone at me, yo.

Sorry?

Yo, this dude, I'm up here hauling him a 90.

Yo, this guy was fighting with the cab driver.

He threw his cell phone.

Yo, I picked it up.

Who else is on the phone with you?

No, this dude, yo.

He just walked down the road, yo.

Sir, who else is on the phone?

There's somebody said we was on a conference call.

Yeah, though.

The guy, he actually put the conference on.

Yo, there's some dude back here with me here on the street.

Excuse me?

Thank you. Hang on. Let me put you back on conference, yo. Hang on.

Yeah, hey.

Yo.

You there, man?

Oh, you there?

Can I help you, sir?

Yo, man, this dude was fighting, yo.

Yo, some dude was just here. He was here in his taxi cab, yo, and he punched the window.

And then the guy, he gave him, he sped off, yo.

And then the guy threw...

Mark, one moment, please. One moment.

He threw the cell phone at me, yo. Why he throw it at me?

Yo, he tried to hit me, too, yo.

I don't know.

At least take it too long, man.

I'm going to hang up, yo.

Take it too fucking long, god damn it.

That was horrible.

That was all for naught.

Damn it.

A vibrator product company in Missouri.

I didn't really get freaky like that in Missouri, man.

Who would have known?

There it is.

Let's call that next.

Hang on, folks.

Thumbs around me.

I need to feel your touch.

30 cents.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

128 minutes.

Help you?

Oh, yeah.

Hi.

Yeah, yeah, but how many vibrators can you service at a time over there?

Depends what you're talking about.

We're trying to get some vibrator warranty repair.

We got about five vibrators that need to be fixed here in, like, two hours, man.

Do you hear they can fix them right now? I'm sorry about that.

You got anything for sale now, man?

Um, sure do.

Well, like, let me ask you, what time are you closing?

Because we're in Missouri, but we're not in St. Louis.

You guys are out there on, yeah, it's going to take us a while to get there, man.

man. What time is it? It's like five o'clock, right? Right, right. Dude, we got, like, this

party, like, in two hours, and we need these vibrators to, like, race them and stuff, but,

like, they're not working, man. Yeah. I'm saying, can I just come in there and, like,

you know, I mean, what's the story? What's your largest one, man? I mean, what do you

got, man? Hurry up. Yeah, I'm sorry. I can't help you. Well, you can. Do something. What

do you answer the phone there for? Son of a bitch, what are you answering the phone

on their phone. Why don't you say something?

Yeah, I'm talking to you, vibrator bitch.

Just say something back to me, you bitch.

Come on. Well, I just want some

cooperation from you, and you can't

even play along with my thing, can you?

What good are you in that? Huh?

You know, you got a job. You can do

whatever you want. I just sit there and you're gonna sell

vibrators, and I'm trying to talk

to you. You can't even talk to me.

And what do you got so important that's going on?

Sir, damn you.

Once again, all for naught.

I think that's a knight. Not a knight, but that's

At least for now, that's going to be it.

If Elian Gonzalez is in the book...

I don't know that you could call Elian Gonzalez.

Because fucking Elian Gonzalez is in Cuba.

They don't even have phones over there.

Hang on.

We got a caller, everybody.

Hello?

Carlito there?

Who?

Carlito.

No, he's not.

Carlito's not here.

No?

Hello?

Carlito?

Come on, man.

Who?

Hello?

Carlito.

Who, Carlito?

Carlito.

Who's that?

Carlito, my lover.

Yeah, whatever.

What's up, the dad?

How you doing, man?

Hey, baby, what's up?

Oh, man, not bad.

Are you being dirty again tonight?

What?

Have you ever been to I-90 in Harlem Drive?

You know what?

What?

I don't take the highway.

Oh, you don't?

Okay.

All right.

Well, do you drive?

You know, I, yeah, I kind of avoid the highway because I don't really like the highway.

Well, that's good.

So, you know.

Yeah.

Wow.

That's great.

Hey, do you want to call Matt Salmon?

There's a lot of fucking crazy fucking people on the highway.

Yeah, I know.

A lot of Mexicans, too.

Yeah, I got to get some food, man.

What do you have for dinner tonight?

There's a lot of Mexicans over here.

They don't know how to drive, and, you know, they don't have their licenses.

Yeah, and they're Mexicans, too.

You know what I mean?

Anyway, hey, dude, what do you got for dinner going on tonight, man?

Baked potatoes.

Ah, it's nasty.

And fucking slushies.

Sloppy Joes and Baked Potatoes.

Nancy, what the fuck?

How are you going to mix...

Baked Potatoes and Nancy?

You don't mix Baked Potatoes and Sloppy Joes.

No, no, no, no.

Baked Potatoes are for dinner.

Sloppy Joes are for lunch.

Oh, wow.

And they'll stay like three, four hours, you know.

Okay, but you're not going to have anything else but a Baked Potato?

You're not going to have any meat in that?

No bacon bits or nothing?

I'm going to have garlic and I'm going to have sour cream.

Man, where's my bottle opener?

Huh?

I'm trying to find my beer opener, and I can't find it.

Oh, yeah, I have some beer, too.

I'm going to have a bottle of beer.

That's good.

I'm trying to open my beer.

Hang on.

Let me see if I can do this thing on the desk.

It's 5 o'clock here.

Hang on.

I'm going to try to open it on the desk.

Hang on.

How do you do that?

You put it on the corner?

Don't you slap your hand or something?

How do you open your beers?

Bottle opener.

No, but I can't find it.

Fuck it is.

Oh, there it is.

It's on the floor.

Okay, yeah.

What, dude?

What's up?

You want to do a call?

If the bottle, if the cap isn't untied, then you could fucking put it, wrap it up in your shirt and twist it up.

I got it. I found the bottle opener. It's okay.

Hey, you want to call this cat? I'm about to go off. I'm going to come back around 9 o'clock to make fun of the president.

You should try to fix your gizmo so you can join us so you can make fun of the president with us on gizmo.

9 o'clock.

9 o'clock. Eastern. 8 o'clock your time.

Yummy colito.

Yeah, yummy indeed

Yeah, do you want to call

I don't fucking get on and be like

I don't know

You don't know

I don't even want to hear the president talking

Because every time the fucking president talks

I get all pissed off

Well, good

I'll make fun of it, don't worry

It'll be okay

Hey, look at this

I'm going to give you the last call of the show

And if you want

It's going to be this dude named Matt Salmon, right

And he graduated from school

just now and he plays world of warcraft and battlefield 2 and he has zits and he

lives in texas and he drives a civic hang on i'm sending it to you hang on

hang on i'm sending it to you in aol right now you should have it no he's not

he's not he's he's he's busy he's he's he's gonna try to be on with me at nine

o'clock if i go on tonight at nine he'll be chartered he'll try to be there for

me for the address before k-bone show we're gonna warm up the craft for k-bone

with me, Milkman, and anybody else

making fun of the president.

We'll even take callers during the presidential address.

So we'll see what happens, Avich.

Okay.

You got the information over there?

Did you get the information?

Yeah, thank you.

Okay.

Well, I'm going to call it right now.

All right, everybody.

The dead's taking the last call of the day.

It's going to be some dude who has zits

and drives a Civic and plays games all day and shit.

So there it is.

We'll be right back after this

with the last call of the day in just one moment.

gonna fucking yeah, make you put down

Okay

What what town

Yeah, it's a friend from school you've been doing you've been doing man. What have you been doing man with yourself?

Fuck man, they're dead. Oh him again. I'm again. Okay. I'm trying to find out try to see if we can see if I can

We'll try him one more time and that'll be it.

Hang on, let me see if I can find out where he's at.

I'm trying to do a reverse search on his number.

Let's see if it comes up.

No, it doesn't.

But it's in Louisville, Texas, though.

Okay.

I got you that, at least.

And I'll try to find out what school he went to.

I'll send it to you in the AOL, okay?

If I find out what the high school is there, so you can figure out where he goes, okay?

He said, yeah, but shut the fuck up.

Exactly.

Well, good luck with that.

Hang on.

Beer, chair, nigga, swear, no drama.

Waste, let's vacate the place, shed blinds and drapes.

In the grimy state, concentrate

You will find that

What are you doing?

Why did you hang up on me?

Because you're a douchebag

Dude, what the fuck did I do to you?

You thought that we were illegal games

You used to hook me up with weed and illegal games?

Yeah

Yeah?

You forgot?

Yeah, I think I forgot about that

I wanted my fucking weed money

So you sell pot, huh?

Yeah

You do?

Where do you live?

I live in the Louisville

You sell pot?

You do?

Yeah

How do you know me?

We went to school together

My brain cells suck.

It's a very independent school.

I just remember, Lewis Independent School.

We don't, uh, I don't live in Lewis.

Don't say that either, you're talking to his father.

I have your phone number and I'll be more than happy to give it to the police department since you sell pot.

You ever call my house again, you little loser.

Come to your house with the...

My cock for me?

I'd love to.

Hey, don't you talk to my son like that.

Sure, what?

Don't you talk to my son like that, you asshole.

He heard me.

What do I do, big guy? Come on.

My son is a pussy. He can't defend for himself. He's gonna call daddy.

Are you done, sir?

I'll see your wife wears the pants in the family. We're done with you.

Okay, sure he is. Good luck with that.

Through that call, I dropped the phone on accident.

So they missed the very super beginning of it, so that sucks.

But anyway, everything else went on.

That was kind of a funny ending to that.

And she said, well, thank you, the dad.

Now I'm going to have a nightmare of him tracing the call and shit.

Well, if he's going to trace it to anybody, it's going to trace me, so don't worry about it.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, cool.

And you're in front, so you're calling through a calling card.

Yeah, I am, I am.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, so that's basically not traceable anyway.

Yeah, exactly.

He's just going to trace it.

Yeah, I don't care.

Whatever, dude.

Eh, I'm not scared.

Anyway, I got to go, man.

Take care.

and hopefully we'll see you around 9 o'clock

alright man

peace, bye

The Dead everybody, The Dead, thank you for joining in The Dead

and somebody

nobody in the chat room says he has

an advanced copy of the speech tonight

which would be awesome so I can make some

notes of stuff to do, but that's going to be it

we're going to call it a night

a night, well I guess a night, it's 6.23

Eastern and that's

3.23pm on the west coast

so we're going to call it an evening for now

we may or may not

Hopefully, I'm planning on coming back at 9 p.m. Eastern for the State of the Union Address to hopefully bring some comedy along with that.

We'll warm up the crowd for K-Bone, who will start his show around 10, 10.15 tonight.

It'll be his first night doing his live Tuesday night show.

Other than that, you can catch KDK tomorrow night also at 10 p.m. Eastern for Cycle Babble.

You can get our normal Madhouse show on Thursday night by 9.30 p.m. Eastern.

Dr. Lego on Friday nights at 8 p.m. Eastern, followed by Zolar and Zolar Vision at 10 p.m. Eastern.

And then KDK is also on Saturday nights for his show, The Lunatic Fringe, 10 p.m. Eastern, Saturday nights.

Sunday night, Sean Ward is on at 9 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

And Tuesday, we'll be back here for more.

So for the time being, we're going to call it a night.

How about that?

Thank you, everybody who listened.

Thank you to everybody who submitted numbers and who called in.

If I can remember, we had Pimp Slut.

Thank you, Tuck.

The Dead, thank you for calling in.

Thank you for calling in.

Turd Burglar, thank you very much.

Hooked us up with a very good call earlier today.

Moontar, thank you very much.

everybody in the chat room everybody who was listening and everybody who uh chills with us

yeah and uh no problem moon tar i'll check my uh email soon uh okay we're gonna call it quits for

now so thank you we'll see you here again as soon as possible bye for now i just gave it to his

I got your dirty laundry over here

You might listen to me on the phone.

Calling me from block number.

I ain't no block number.

Hey, I heard your whole conversation.

Don't make me call the police.

Yeah, you know what's up.

I'm going to blackmail you.

So scared.

Turkey ass motherfucker, what's your problem now?

Jive turkey, you bitch.

You didn't hear, boy.

You jive turkey motherfucker.

Who the fuck is that?

What do you mean?

Man, you can show me a place where I'm about to go whoop some motherfucker's ass.

How much you gonna charge you gotta pick somebody up over here to the taxi cab?

Man this ain't no motherfuckin' taxi cab!

Come fuckin' pickin' somebody up, I don't want your goddamn ass!

I kick your ass, you son of a bitch, you and your goddamn mother!

What?

Your mother!

You motherfuckin' nigger, how you like that, you piece of shit?

I'm not a fuckin' nigger!

You nigger, motherfucker!

How you like it, man?

What?

Man, I'm a motherfuckin' bitch that pried a goddamn phone!

This is a white man that don't want to hear from no goddamn niggas calling me in the fuckin' middle of the night.

Listen, listen boy, listen boy, listen boy.

I'll show you a boy in a 12-gauge shotgun, motherfucker.

Listen cracker, listen here cracker, listen here cracker.

You got that, honky?

I'll show you some fuckin' three-letter, motherfucker.

I'll shoot you here, I'll shoot you here.

Are you Michael Frazier?

Man, this ain't Michael Frazier, man. This is a white man.

What's up, Mr.?

Look, let me just ask you real quick.

First of all, why don't you shut the hell up?

You fuck you, you stupid bitch.

Please, Andrew.

How you guys doing, man?

Staying in Honolulu.

They got to eat this.

Yeah, they can't eat to the K, yo.

ASC.

We don't have a...

Yo, just...

You dip a wing in your pocket and run it up to me?

Yeah, but I'm only one over here.

I cannot drop a chicken on you.

We would give you a couple hundred dollars, though.

Even though, guys.

Are you ready?

I wish I was the governor.

Just pretend I'm shitting on you, okay?

No problem.

Okay, I don't got no...

I gotta go

Please do wash your hands

Yeah

Some kind of life you have

Where you have to do this stuff

So this is a very interesting radio you have

Very interesting radio thing

If you have that

You know

Because like that's

It just shows me that you have like

Nothing going

No I got plenty

This is what we do man

I do this all the time

I get lots of

This is what you do like

You know what I mean

Talk stupid

Yeah

Really huh

People actually listen to this shit

People

Everybody listens to this shit

Not everybody, because anybody with a half a brain that I know don't listen.

Anybody with a half a brain would listen to this show instead of eating your shitty-ass pizza.

How old are you?

Thirteen.

Yeah, fucking right.

You sound like you're fucking eighteen or nineteen.

Thirteen, I said.

Yeah, right.

Yes, I was born thirteen years ago, last Friday.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

I'm hanging up, and you better not call.

Do you have stripes in your underwear?

Do I have what?

Stripes in your underwear.

You are a sick fuck.

Come on, let me talk to your sister, man.

Be a pal.

No!

Have you ever seen your sister naked?

No!

Is this the House of Poon?

Okay, you guys are over there on Monroe, right?

Okay, I need to get some food, please.

I'd like to order off your lunch menu, if that's still possible.

Oh, sir.

House of Poon, Chinese restaurant.

Any second now.

I'd like that with as little sauce as possible.

Can you read that back to me?

I've been giving you this huge order for the last three minutes now.

Well, you didn't copy it down?

Oh, my God.

I've been talking for like three, four minutes now.

Now, we have a church full of people.

Okay, well, just whatever I say, just get that for me.

Do you think it's enough to feed 32?

Huh?

Do you think it's enough to feed 32, my order?

I don't know your order.

Okay, well, we're going to be in there soon.

Do you have enough sitting room, or should we just take it for takeout?

How many people do you have?

Sir, I just gave you orders for 32 different people.

It took me, like, three or four minutes to do that.

I heard you saying back, okay.

Who is this?

I work at House of Pools.

Let me talk to the manager, please.

All right.

Jesus.

I can't believe this.

Un-fucking-believable.

I sat there and gave them my order.

Hello?

Yes.

Ma'am, I'm here.

I have a party of 32, and I sat there, and I gave that gentleman the order.

He said, go ahead.

And I kept giving him the order, and he gave me a total along the way and everything.

And I spoke for four minutes, and he didn't even write it down.

Ah, second.

Does he speak English?

Yeah, I just kept asking him, go ahead, what would you like?

Well, I'm not going to repeat that order again.

There's somewhere, I don't know if he lost it, but I'm not about to speak for another four minutes and give you this other order.

I mean, can you just make it happen, please?

We just need a lot of rice and stuff.

I guess, yes.

Okay.

So what's the total?

Can you give me the total, please?

Well, if you can repeat the order, I don't have the order here.

I already gave it to him, though.

He has it.

Ask him for the total.

He did not write it down.

I'm sorry.

How did he not write it down?

I gave it to him.

Can you ask him, please?

Hold on.

Can you just have a meeting there on the floor with all the employees and figure out what happened?

Thank you.

Something's done right, folks.

Always ask for a manager before you get your food.

Because you know they're not going to do anything to your food.

Yes, ma'am?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

You know, I really hope that you don't take this to heart and you're going to do something to my food before I eat it.

No, you did not write it down.

Did he do something to the food?

Let me tell you a story.

This one time I was watching 20-20, and they got mad at this person because they called back to change the order.

And they took the mop

And they wrung it out on top of the rice

And then they gave it to him like that

And he got sick

And he got flesh-eating bacteria

And he lost his leg

But nothing like that happened there?

No

Do you wash your hands after you go pee-pee caca?

Why are you getting to that?

Well, no, I need to know

When the person who makes the food there

When he goes to the bathroom

Do you go number one or number two?

Especially number two

Are they supposed to, do they wash their hands?

Yes, there is a sign they are supposed to do that.

But do they do it?

Are you sure?

Yes.

Do you have random checks?

You know what?

I don't know why you're getting into that.

If you want to give me the order, fine.

If you don't, that's okay.

Well, these children are really, these are elderly people.

They're like children.

And they have very sensitive systems.

Excuse me, I'm hungry.

They have very sensitive systems.

systems. So, if you can assure me that it's sanitary there, everything's clean, and that,

you know, the chefs are washing their hands, after they go to the bathroom, or they masturbate.

We won't be around for so long, okay? So, you're definitely a reputable place, right?

Yes. Okay, so what's your lunch special? What's your lunch special right now?

The lunch special? We don't have any lunch specials right now. Of course you do. It's

at 3 o'clock. I don't know if you call 6.30

at lunch. But these people, they don't

wake up until like, you know, until 12

p.m. Where do they live? California?

No. We are different? Well, yeah.

We're here

in Rochester on vacation. We were

bringing them all the way up through Manhattan

and they're accustomed to,

you know, so I think

We're in Rochester, New York. We're not in

Manhattan. Well, I think it's only

You're calling the wrong place. No, listen.

We're in Rochester for the night.

We're going to New York tomorrow, to Manhattan tomorrow on the bus.

Okay.

You see, but we're staying the night.

It's already late.

You know, it's their lunchtime, and they don't like to, you know,

they like to play their bingo in the evening, afternoon.

So they're done for the day.

So tomorrow we'll make it to Manhattan in the morning.

But for now, it's time for lunch.

So I think it's fair enough as a reputable place for 19 years.

And you can't recommend it to me by the mayor of Rochester.

So, I don't know if he eats there or what, but he said this is the place and he said that you guys would take care of it.

So, there it is.

Well, I don't know the mayor of Rochester, so, sorry.

Do you even know who the mayor of Rochester is?

I mean, seriously.

I mean, are you even a citizen of Rochester?

You know what?

I don't know where you're getting at.

If you want an order, just get an order.

If not, that's okay.

Okay, well, what is it?

You have no lunch special at all.

Also, I see that you're racist about the age.

You're ageist, right?

You know what?

If you want to sue me, that's fine.

Do whatever you want.

Okay, well, take the order.

Are you ready?

Go ahead.

I need 32 orders of white fried rice.

White fried rice.

White rice?

White fried rice.

White rice or fried rice?

I have here white fried rice.

Like, you would fry the rice, but white.

No color.

Okay.

Can you do that?

Because they can't have the color, but they can sure have the fry.

Okay.

Okay, is that possible?

Can we do that?

Yes, uh-huh.

Okay.

We need six orders of soft-boiled egg rolls.

Deep fry?

What kind of oil is that?

Do you know who Robert Duffy is, seriously?

He's the mayor, and he said we could call here.

I don't know.

You're going to have to answer to him.

Okay.

All right, so how many egg rolls can you make?

How many would you like?

We need, we have 32 of them, I guess.

For them, that's fine.

But it's not boiled.

It's going to be deep fried.

Can you just boil them for these people?

They can't really, you know.

So, yeah, and that should be the whole order there.

Can you read that back to me, please?

Fried rice.

I want to make sure that's steamed, fried.

You're going to steam the rice first, and then it's going to be fried.

And olive oil.

Vegetables.

Do you want pork or just vegetables?

No, no, no vegetables.

I don't want vegetables.

And six egg rolls, did you say?

Yeah.

That's okay.

Yeah, how are your buns? Do you have buns there?

How are your buns?

Who's that?

Who is that, the Shanghai?

Who's Shanghai? What's that?

There are plenty of sponsor?

What are you saying?

Can you put the lady who speaks English back on, please?

Ma'am?

Calls (14, 1 h 22 min of 2 h 26 min)

Transcript

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