2006-02-02 Show

Can I speak with either Chris DeWales or Charles Ford, please?

Speaking.

Is this Mr. Ford?

Yes, sir.

Well, good afternoon, sir.

My name is Jack Valenti, and I'm calling you from PokerStars.net, collections department.

Apparently, someone there at your residence there has been playing online on our website quite a bit here at PokerStars.net,

and we are owed a sum at this point of $239.25.

25 cents. And we'd like to know

if you are able to go ahead and pay that

soon or there will be a suspension of your

account. She has

either she or yourself

have lost several

games totaling $239

and 25 cents in the last

10 minutes. In the last 10 minutes, we

haven't been playing in the last 10 minutes. Well, if it

goes up past $200,

we quickly try to make a call

to the number on file to make sure that

you're aware. I actually got

an update here. Another

Another bet has been lost, $242.28.

Okay, you know what?

We're not even on line right now.

I think you're lying, man.

We have your name.

We have your everything.

What is the address?

What is the email?

Give it to me right now.

We don't give that out.

How do I know that you're not going to use that?

Hey, exactly.

How do I know?

Because you know what?

We're not even on line right now.

You listen to me.

We've been having dinner.

Pretty lady, who has dinner at this time of day?

What are you, a vampire?

Excuse me.

You're a bum.

You people are bums.

You know what, asshole?

Look, bitch.

Don't try and tell me that I owe you money.

I'm an attorney.

I can't owe you money that I don't have, that I don't have.

Ma'am, ma'am, calm down.

Bring it down a tone, because if not, I'm going to charge you.

You know what my bankroll rate is right now?

I don't believe it.

Okay, I'm not going to tell you, but it's not 200 and some odd dollars.

I believe it.

I don't believe it.

I've got to be honest with you.

I don't believe it.

Okay, well, you know what?

It's 530.

I'm in Ontario, Canada.

I don't care.

You know what?

I don't care.

Try and get it from me then.

This is America.

I have not been playing.

Oh, America.

I think you're the...

Believe me, I lived in the States.

You know what?

I hate when they call people out the States.

I hate that.

We're America.

The house next door to me's been sold to niggers.

Today is Thursday.

Oh, man.

God, which one?

He thinks he's useless.

Not bad.

Oh, perhaps not.

When he decides to announce his identity, the law sees bad, they'll knock him out.

We're at the rip-off.

My friend, this could be the best thing that ever happened.

For those who believe, life here began out there, or across the universe.

Tribes of humans, who may have been the forefathers of the Egyptians,

Martians, Voltecs, or the Mayans have been the architects of the great pyramid civilizations of Lemuria or Atlantis.

Some believe that there may yet be brothers of man who even now fight to survive somewhere beyond the heavens.

There will be no order, only chaos.

That being said, grab a blunt, take a big hit, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

It's an exclusive of PCU Radio and MadHouseLive.com.

drug reel from real real chris i take this today first of all um when you shut the hell once you

shut the hell up fuck you fuck you but maybe he's only a little crazy like painters or composers or

or some of those men in washington you son of a bitch speak english america

You son of a bitch, you motherfucking, you are, I'm gonna speak in Spanish.

You speak, you speak English, I see.

You motherfucking, you motherfucking, I go ahead, man.

Mother bitch.

Motherfucking you.

You bitch.

Don't never, don't never go against me, boy, man.

Mow my lawn, mow my lawn.

You motherfucking.

Why are you so angry?

Where's my squalor?

I'm gonna fuck you, man.

We're so high right now.

We're not low.

You're now listening to Bizarre Saps Circus.

And I'm your boy, Young Miles, the future.

And my man's about to get a y'all finger.

It's a nigga shower cap kicking a nasty.

Dirty 50s rapper.

Detroit Sun and I suppose batshit.

Good evening, everybody.

Great evening.

It's a horrible evening is what it is.

I love chaos, so this is great.

I even turned the music off early.

Hey, everybody.

It's PCU.

It's the Madhouse, and you're listening to it.

Why can I not get the chat room again?

God damn it.

You know there's probably something great going on in there right now.

I know.

No, I'm probably missing something insanely great inside the chat room right now.

I don't know what's talking.

Let me check the status of it.

I smell pancakes?

What the hell is that?

Okay, anyway.

Yeah, because you're fat, and if you did smell pancakes, you would leave.

I would just leave.

Oh, yeah, pancakes.

I love pancakes.

Pancakes are great.

I prefer French toast.

Okay, well, I'm back in the chat room.

Yay.

Anyway, yeah, you're listening to The Madhouse on PCU.

It's 10.13 p.m. Eastern.

So, yeah.

Yes, Mad Men says, I made it.

Well, great.

Thank you, Mad Men.

And thank you for everybody listening.

Now, here's a story.

Andy, what is it now?

We don't have a toll-free line working tonight.

No.

The toll-free line is not working.

We don't have a phone card.

We have 73 minutes on one, and we have 23 minutes on the other.

U.S.

So, yeah.

Yeah, so we don't have much to work with.

So, we're probably going to be doing a really short show today.

No one can call in unless they know our number directly.

We can't even get Milkman on the line here.

He's completely gone now.

He's completely disappeared.

He's probably going to try to reboot, I guess.

But we'll try to do what we can do.

He's got to swamp the gerbils in the wheel to get his computer in it.

Yeah, he's got to feed them.

My gerbil's passed out.

I need a new one.

Damn it, he's not doing nothing.

Well, yeah, we're here, and we're going to try to do pranks.

I guess we'll get you at least an hour of show and an hour of pranks and stuff.

Mets fan wants me to link him.

What is that, man?

I don't know.

How do you link somebody?

Like hook them up.

Maybe he doesn't know he's not listening to the show, or he was...

Oh, okay, this guy is saying...

He's saying I'm great.

Yeah, he's sorry, but he's heard archives, and he thinks that those guys is funny.

But he's not listening live.

He's not listening live.

Maybe.

Okay, oh, you are not listening live.

You're giving that, and then I'm going to hook him up with the server here.

Hang on, folks, while I completely ignore the crowd.

Yeah, so you're listening to the Madhouse.

We're on PC.

You prank call Underground Radio.

and working with

what little resources we have working right now

we're going to try to give you a show

if I can learn to type right

so yeah we are waiting for Milkman to join

you know what you know this is very appropriate

we should play this song we got today right now right

would that make sense right now

yeah we should wait and make sure

nobody heard it

alright alright we're okay

he wants to yeah he needs a link

I'm typing it to him anyway

so yeah I've been doing daytime shows

Joe, so the prank call you heard earlier was from one of the daytime shows

that I've been doing.

Yeah, very interesting.

Andy, you weren't here for that, but you heard.

In my way, the Mets suck.

Mets do suck.

Everybody doesn't know that.

Yeah, Cubs all the way.

Nobody has sent me a number confirmed for a fat hoe.

Confirmed at 10-12.

Well, that guy, he's pretty good.

Yeah, fat hoe.

So we'll try to give her a call, the fat hoe.

Okay, yes.

Same thing.

thing same thing there Mets fan helping out Mets fan while we're here okay I got it okay I got it

okay and you can reach us at Madhouse Radio on AOL Instant Messenger that's Madhouse Radio

and you can get us at in the chat room at kdkprankcalls.com that's kdk as in kill death

kill kdkprankcalls.com join the chat room the link is on the upper left hand corner of the page

if you're not in there and you can also

send me your request

for prank calls if you have a number

if you have someone you want pranked

you want to reach us as I said before on

AOL Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio

Yahoo Messenger, Madhouse

PCU Radio

and MSN

Madhouse PCU Radio

at hotmail.com

I pulled that right out of my ass

so let me go real quick into those messengers and see what I got

here on AOL

Well, DJ Herb, boy, I don't know who that is, is saying that Carlito Milkman is rebooting

because Gizmos is playing up.

That's what I figured.

Well, thank you very much.

In the chat room, SGD is, is that like STD?

Yeah, probably.

Sexually given disease.

Transmit is too big of a word.

He wanted herpes.

As a devotion to God, he gave himself the HIV.

So, that's SGD, everybody.

This guy, John, used to be in the Vietnam War, gets pissed really easily.

Well, hey, I can't pass that up.

We're big fans of the Vietnam War here.

I know you're a big proponent of the Vietnam War.

No, okay.

Mad Man in the chat room.

Mad Man who runs our chat server for us.

Thank you, Mad Man.

A Jewish rabbi, Merrilee.

We've called him before.

Merrilee Gordon.

We also have Crazy Will who's tried to kill himself five times and fell.

We talked to him once, I think.

I don't know if you were here.

That guy is crazy.

How did he mess up that?

He doesn't really want to die.

We know that.

If you try five times and you don't do it, it means you don't want to.

I found a website that they were

recommending Prankmaster to look at

so he'd figure out how to kill himself

over the weekend. Long story, but...

Oh, you were presenting him a link to a website?

I didn't do it.

Easy ways to kill yourself?

Those are everybody else in that chair.

People who go unnamed, because I don't bring out

dirty laundry, but...

I don't think you should encourage Prankmaster to kill himself.

No, I don't tell him to kill himself.

Other people do, and that's their business.

Kill yourself now, Prankmaster. Carlito commands it.

Um, yeah, this website details methods of killing yourself, and what's the cleanest way, what's the painless way.

There are people in there that are like, yeah, I've tried five times, and I failed.

I didn't even know that. I mean, just jump off a cliff, or something like that.

Yeah, I don't know.

There's places that go in Florida where you can jump off and die.

Yeah, and people might not find you for a long time.

It's flat. This is a flat-ass state.

It is. It is true.

That's just sad.

You gotta find a building.

That guy's a flat-fucking loser right there.

Yeah, that's right. So, yeah, we should call him. We can't call him and tell him to do it.

No. No.

Yen's Chinese

And we also have Bob the Mechanic

Lonesome Loser is in the chat room also

Lonesome Loser, hey, what's up?

I'm sure he's busy confirming numbers right now

I also have a plethora of past numbers from him

That we can try

Now, we can't do any international calls tonight

Because we're out of phone

We don't have any phone minutes at all

For the most part

We have about a good hour's worth of prank call time

I think we'll probably get tonight

So, like I said, short show

But we're here, we're starting late anyway

Anyway, so, um, this guy, okay, so I got the number here.

You want to call this Vietnam vet then?

See what's up with him?

Hang on, folks.

Let's call, let's get off to a quick start here.

We'll call this Vietnam vet guy named John.

Let's see what we can do.

Reachable with this card.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

What the weird is happening in the phone?

You hear that?

Jesus.

Everything's all fucked up.

All right, hang up that.

Yeah, he's going to kill me.

Yeah, he's going to accept that.

Yeah.

All right, dude, we can't accept that.

I forgot to hit one for English.

That's what we need you.

Bad effects?

Yeah, nothing's working tonight, man.

This sucks.

Hang on.

I gotta test the phone line because it's not working, apparently.

Jeez.

All right, hang on, folks.

I'm gonna try to fix this.

I've never got to do this shit.

Hey, let's connect to Bill's little conference call thing here.

Damn it.

It's the worst night ever.

It's all Sean Ward's fault.

He's done something.

And the worst part is I can't, you know, normally I can at least talk to people.

I mean, if I can't even talk to people.

So, obviously something's wrong with the phone lines.

Doing that retarded shit.

Hello?

Hello.

Hey, what's up, man?

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, we can hear him.

Good.

Well, something's finally working.

Oh, we forgot to play his theme music that he requested.

So, yeah, Oakman.

I was lost here for a while.

Yeah, well, we're trying to get a hold of you.

Who else is in this shit with us?

Actually, our lawyer will be here in just a minute.

He's on his way.

Okay.

Our lawyer, AMD, or whatever.

It'll be, yeah, it'll just be a very good crew and our lawyer.

Okay.

Good.

Well, we always need to have a lawyer in the line in case a prank call goes wrong.

But you know what, dude?

I think the phone line's fucked.

Let me, let me, let's play.

Milkman has new theme music.

So, Milkman, you want to tell us the background behind this theme song?

Do you have a story behind it?

Well, actually, it was sent in to me by a listener,

and I hadn't actually heard it, so I was like, man, this is too bad.

All right.

Let's hear it, fellas.

I will fix it up for you and send it later.

No, but we're ready.

We have it all.

We have it right where you wanted us to start it, dude.

We got it ready to go.

All right.

Maybe like around 45 seconds or something.

Yeah, just about.

Just test it.

Okay.

We'll wing it tonight.

Well, here it is. This is Milkman's theme song, everybody.

Let us know what you think.

That's you and the guitar.

That's awesome.

Oh, Milkman, you're sick.

This is so fucking fun.

Here's the music I take when I take a long, slow, warm bath.

Oh, Milkman.

Horrible.

Just outage yourself.

We lie, we lie. That's not Milkman's theme song.

Yeah, that's not Milkman's theme song.

Well, you can play Milkman's real theme song.

Seriously, this is Milkman's new theme song.

Nah, no vote today.

That's it.

Of course this is it.

The company was gay.

What were they doing?

I like that milk, man.

No milk today.

Okay, about Milkman.

Let me try to find it.

I don't know where the hell it is.

We put the two fake ones up there.

We didn't put his real song on.

What the hell is he doing?

I don't know.

I think Milkman's drunk.

God, this is the worst night ever.

Hey, shut up.

There it is.

I found it.

Didn't we edit it?

No.

I'm trying to do my song.

My theme song.

Alright, here's Milt Man's theme song.

This is your theme song, apparently.

Right, Milt Man? This is actually it, though, right?

Alright, we're going to play it for you.

You say whatever you want.

Yeah, do your Milt Man rant.

Yeah, it's great.

God, this is...

The phone just screwed up, too.

Sucks.

My God, it's finally...

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Let that go.

Yeah, what about that made you think that that should be your theme music?

Yeah, what's that all about?

That phone number is not reachable with this card.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Hang on.

I tried to call somebody here.

Suck and blow pumps.

That phone number is not reachable with this card.

Please enter the number.

Suck and blow pumps, everybody.

Brought to you by Lonesome Loser.

You have 71 minutes.

Lonesomeloser.com

John Bacon.

Dude, I bought some bacon today.

Jizz biz.

The hell's jizz biz?

Suck and blow?

It's one of the numbers for suck-and-blow pumps, but, Steve, how can I help you?

Hey, Steve, how you doing?

Steve, do you do more sucking or blowing down there?

A combination of the two.

Okay.

What do you prefer to do?

See that it brings in.

Okay.

Well, I have a large amount of liquids that need to be sucked.

Okay.

It's a lot, but I'll tell you what, right now, it's not pretty.

Do you know what my product is?

Whatever.

Oh, man. Look, the biggest problem is actually someone snuck a port-a-potty inside my garage, and I backed into it as I was parking.

I didn't realize it was there. I don't know how the hell this happened.

I don't know if it was one of the guys playing a joke on me, you know.

But the problem now is there's, you know, that blue liquid.

It's all over the place, and I only stayed there for so long, but I think I saw a few floaters in there, too, you know, in the garage.

kind of sucking or or i don't know you want to would you suck something my pump is designed to

move air not liquid uh well can you blow it out then the pump for the the fluids itself right

right you know like say it's designed to move air not liquid okay but not do you have anything

powerful enough that maybe you can just get that smell out of there or something like that

right it's uh is it my pump is basically designed for river rafts okay but the four

River rafts?

About 30 pounds of pressure.

So you made a business just inflating rafts, is that it?

Right.

Now, what town are you located in?

Myself, I'm in Rangeley.

Okay.

Right.

Well, what I'm getting at is I'm trying to think who the port-a-potty peoples are that could just suck it up for you.

You know who really cares at this point, right?

Right.

Fuck it, I was just selling the house.

You want to buy a house?

I'm going to do something.

I mean, you came recommended to me by the mayor, and here I am calling you, and obviously you're not...

Okay.

Okay, like you say, it wouldn't move liquid, but it would not be warrantied and not...

Yo, yo, yo, yo, this is Eddie, yo.

Yo, okay, why you suck, man?

Man, why you suck so much, man?

You suck, yo.

Why'd you use a shop vac?

Why do you suck so much, man?

I do not have time for a crank phone call.

What crank phone call?

The other day, I got called.

This kid called my house.

He called about four times.

It really annoyed me.

Okay.

Problem, you know, call the port-a-potty people.

Can I talk to your wife or something like that?

Hey, this conversation's over, okay?

No, it's not.

Just let me talk to your wife and they can continue.

That ended somewhere.

Yeah, it was really.

Yeah, it was.

Nunu is sending me a number for John Bacon, one of Iris Van Meter's friends.

Isn't that big chick with Scientology?

No.

That one who wanted to get rid of him.

Fundamentalism.

Yeah, she said that Jesus created the world or something.

No, she was, wasn't it?

what was it creation creationism or scientific creation i don't know whatever um okay congratulate

him on kansas getting kansas to teach creationism say thanks and i'm proud of him complained that

in cookery class they cooked the fish and they said you could feed two people from it say that

this is a lie everyone knows you can feed like a thousand people with a fish and it should teach

kids that tr the truth maybe the truth yeah but that was jesus that made that miracle that god

didn't do. He made a whole planet.

God can do a lot.

Jonathan is asking if we're having problems

tonight. Well, you think? What do you think, Andy?

Are we having problems tonight? There's plenty of problems.

Now Milkman's on the phone.

That other guy came in the fucking

conference and it ruined it because he had his

shit playing in the background, so I had to

disconnect. God, I'm in a bad mood

tonight, man. That's what that was?

Yeah. I lost my fucking... I paid

five bucks for a phone card and lost that night more than

ten minutes later. He lost

it at the Hajimari. I guess

I'm going to call my bad relatives and I'm going to order a hookers and coke.

And they won't be able to trace it to me.

Anyway, SGD, I'm being told that he's actually a fake number giver.

The person you are calling is not answering.

He's actually giving the number for himself.

Your voicemail will be delivered immediately by email.

Hey, now he answers.

No, man.

I took too long.

He's like, hello, hello, hello.

If I ever call my parents' house and they pick up after I hang up, you know,

they'll sit there for like 10 minutes like hello hello hello and carlos come over here and take

over i think someone tried to call us keep saying hello fine bring me phone woman yeah hello hello

hello hello they keep saying hello for the longest time like i'll keep redialing and i

can just tell they're just sitting like hello hello hello maybe carlito you could be having

Yeah, so Milkman should know, I guess, that Prankmaster is back on the IRC.

What does that mean?

Wow, big fucker.

Tired of Prankmaster, man.

We don't talk about that bitch.

Hey!

Hello?

Who is this, AMD?

Who's got their shit in the background?

That's AMD's got his shit in the background.

AMD, turn that down.

Turn it off now.

You listen through here, right?

Headphones only, buddy.

Yeah, headphones only or I'll...

God, I swore to God.

I'll thwart you.

Yeah.

We'll invade you.

I love it.

Forget it.

Good night.

Hey.

Good night, sir.

Turn off your speakers.

Nah, he's gone.

We're here by ourselves.

Where's my man?

I don't know.

one's on the phone somewhere i'm trying to find you i'm calling every number in the book

i die carlito you know how to prank masters okay let's continue with pranks what we can do

um we got a number for someone named samara well i don't have much to go with that but okay

nice try sgd says nope nope your number didn't work and i'm being told that it's not real anyway

so what's it matter uh saigon is sending me a number for a jody monster jody monster uh fat

Fat Ho, Dick Craven, a young woman who answered at 1018.

Well, Lonesome Loser sent me one for the jizz biz.

Who does he have?

Is that the cat?

I felt something.

That's myself.

We got ape hangers and we have F. Muhammad.

Can't call F. Muhammad because that's an England.

So we will try ape hangers.

Yay.

I wonder what that is.

I don't know.

Redneck Woman answered in South Carolina.

Well, that's a hoot.

God, I'm in such a bad mood tonight, man.

It sucks.

But I had a good interview today, though.

That's definitely.

Anything you'd like to hear, Andy, while I get ready to hear?

anything you like to hear that you see anything at all yeah whatever we'll play this hang on folks

you like back at all yeah it's old back well what's old back losers like first

this is like years later right now

is this the biz yes who am i calling please hello sir i can't hear you okay are you guys

available right now are you making business well how make you business money

make how you money make yes two to one stately Street two to one yeah two to

one stately Street yes Hoboken New Jersey the street name what did I say

Okay, S-T-A-T-E-L-Y.

Hey, you coming over here or what?

I don't know, I'm texting one thing.

Hurry up, you asshole.

Hi, can I help you?

Yeah, who is this asshole?

Yeah, he's a new guy here.

He doesn't know the streets well.

Can you spell the streets well?

What, is he some kind of asshole?

No, no, I can hear you.

What, are you some kind of asshole?

You say you can't hear me because I'm Muslim?

No, no, no, no.

I'm saying that my friend is a new guy here,

and he doesn't know the streets well,

so he probably couldn't hear you.

Well, he was making fun of me because I'm Muslim.

What's that?

Yeah, me too.

Me too, man.

As-salamu alaykum.

What's that?

As-salamu alaykum.

All right, you're not Muslim.

Hey, man, why are you lying, dude?

Hey.

As-salamu alaykum.

I can't speak other languages.

I'm not smart enough.

That's a dirty-ass language.

Hey.

Willard's Jamaican Jerk Barbecue-ing in San Antonio.

Let's try that.

I wanted that song.

Jamaican jerk, jerk spice

So you don't like Jamaicans at all, right Andrew?

No, I think they're Jamaican

I heard they're nice as long as you don't leave the hotel

You don't go in the face

But it's like a two block radius around where the hotel is

Yeah, yeah, don't leave that area

Because it's really dangerous

I've never been before, I've never gone on a vacation

It's like sport down there

Kill each other, they just kill everything

As long as it's dead

I'll be god damn if the phone is not

How milkman said he's leaving?

What does that mean?

I don't know

He said I'll talk to you later

Like he's not gonna talk to us for the rest of the night.

Maybe he's pissed off we made fun of his song.

I don't know.

I can't please everybody now.

Hello?

Yeah, hey, how you doing?

Is this Willers?

Great.

Look, Willers, first of all, for some reason, I can't please everybody tonight.

You know what I mean?

You know, you ever have one of those nights?

Who is this?

Well, I'm calling for some barbecue.

We're trying to set up a catering for tomorrow.

What are you laughing at, jerk?

I'm a jerk?

You sound like one.

You're making fun of me.

No, I'm not making fun of you.

I don't think it's the time of year, sir.

A penalty?

No, it's not a penalty.

I mean, I got a phone call that says 1-0-0.

Yeah, 1-0-0.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Can we just get to the point?

Come on, look, I've had a really rough day.

I just really want to get to sleep.

You know what I mean?

Yes, sir.

I'm not getting any cooperation.

Look, let me tell you, first of all, my wife, my ex-wife, came over here and took the kids.

And she's fining me over $500.

I already paid her.

You know, they take it out of my check every week, man, every week.

I went through 10 kids like that, man, 10.

You know these women, huh?

Oh, yeah.

You know, you marry them, and they clamp their legs shut, you know, like a well-oiled bear trap, you know what I mean?

I got two kids I haven't seen for three or four years old.

Yeah?

And I've been a child for a long distance, 20 years.

Yeah.

And I haven't seen how they look like.

Well, I understand what you're going through, brother.

Yeah, I know, man.

It sucks.

Sucks.

So what kind of barbecue can we talk here?

So we have biscuit, chicken, sausage, pork ribs, baby bugger,

we have butter slab, we're on a game today,

we're selling coleslaw.

Now, how many people are trying to feed here?

Fifty-two.

Oh, well, I can't do it.

I don't have that much on hand.

When can you do it?

For 50 people, huh?

When can you do it?

Well, sir, when do you need it done?

As soon as possible.

I mean, you see, I'm talking about

48 hours maybe is kind of fast.

Well, we're hungry now, but we're kind of hungry now,

but we can wait.

Two days?

Yeah, we can wait two days, right?

Guys?

Sure!

Yeah, see?

We'll wait.

Okay, now what you need to do...

I'm going to eat peanut butter until then.

Yeah, we're going to eat peanut butter until then.

We've got plenty of peanut butter here and saltine crackers and stuff.

Okay, but you can...

What we can do, sir, is in order to do that, you have to make a deposit on the catering.

50s?

You have one-meat catering, two-meat catering, three-meat catering.

Okay.

And dairy.

50 cent...

Seven...

50 cents deposit.

deposit. 50 cents? 50 cent deposit. Okay, I'm writing it. I got it down. 50 cent deposit.

No, not 50 cents. 50 percent. All right. Per person? Hat. Hat. 50 percent. 50 cents

per person. Okay, times 52 is about $200. No, it's less than that. It's about $5. Okay,

I got that. You know what? 50 cents times 52 people is about $4 or $5, right? I mean,

and I got that on my couch.

Hello?

Wellard.

He got off,

he was like,

oh man,

I haven't seen my kid

in 20 years.

One of my kids is a Unabomber,

the other one's

all Schwarzenegger.

God,

he was going off

on his kids.

I haven't seen him

in 20 years.

I got him started

on that one, man.

He just started going off

on that shit.

Geez.

I didn't kill three engines

in 1972

until my kids grew up

and got their paw.

Yeah,

got their paw.

Where's Milkman?

He just left.

He completely left.

He got off

of all messaging.

Look,

he's not anywhere.

Prankmaster got to him

Prankmaster must have done something to him

I don't know what

The Dead says

Why doesn't Carlito call 4111

Well that's a great idea

Wow

Hi information

Hi

You stupid

Alcoholic

I did that once

When I was young

I asked for alcoholic

And the lady just started reading me

The script was like

It is a federal offense

To make a prank

It's like something stupid

Make harassing phone calls

And I freaked out

And hung up the phone

I was like

I was like 8 years old

I was like

Oh no

She had this script

That she started reading

It's like

Like, I must make you aware it's a federal offense to make an obscene or harassing phone call and blah, blah.

He's just sort of reading this out, freaked out.

I like, when I was a kid, I used to call him from the pay phone all the time and ask what time it was.

Yeah.

That was my big thing.

But you can do that, though.

Yeah, but I just like doing it just to bother him.

You're like, oh, what time is it?

And then, like, I'm like, what time is it now?

Yeah.

And, is it five yet?

No.

I'm going to call you back in a minute.

Well, I called a lot from my parents' house, and my dad saw the bill, and he freaked out once.

Yeah, it's free from a pay phone, though.

Yeah, but I thought it was free.

He's like, well, you call 25 cents every time you call.

You call five times in one hour.

Why'd you call?

I was like, I was just asking for a time.

You know, I'm like, yeah.

So that was expensive.

That was a bad idea.

Sorry, guys.

Sorry, Dad.

If you're listening, I'm sure he is.

Mad Men said he found these two pieces, numbers on a piece of paper.

Dad and Mom.

Okay.

Got those.

We called those taxis already earlier in the week.

I don't know.

Andy, I'm not feeling this.

Are you?

What?

Not this show.

I thought you were talking about my leg.

No, not your leg.

I hope that wasn't you.

That's not me.

I don't know.

It's somebody else.

Ape hangers.

A redneck woman.

Let's try her.

I need to find out ape hangers.

What exactly is that?

I don't know.

I'm going to ask her.

Until I need a large one.

I got a mandrill I just shot out of my gate.

We string up niggas.

Whoa.

We hang niggas down here.

Yeah, I just shot Michael Jordan.

Can you believe that?

Yeah, I want to lure them off our place.

That's great.

Number 23, baby.

I can't really look at my dad's eyes.

I was like, that'll get him.

Yeah.

Love Michael Jordan.

Yeah, 55 minutes.

I don't know why they're going to be opening it this late in South Carolina.

That must be someone's house.

That must be a name.

Ape Hangers.

Hangers, though?

Yeah.

What kind of horrible sudden last name is that?

John Hangers.

Dead.

Ape Hangers.

Yeah, Ape Hangers?

Yes.

Okay, how many hangers can you provide at a moment's notice?

How many hangers can you provide at the moment?

Yes.

Yeah, we need a lot of hangers.

We got it.

Okay, well, we're trying to make this thing downtown here in Pageland, over here downtown, you know?

Uh-huh.

How close are you guys to downtown?

Real close.

Okay, well, we're trying to make this huge mural.

It's going to go up about 52 feet, made out of hangers, and we ran out about a third of the way through.

So if you guys can just go ahead and load up all your hangers that come on down here downtown, we'll go ahead and buy them off you.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Let's see.

How many hangers we got?

Say the number.

I mean, you say your name.

As many as you got.

Are they plastic or wire hangers?

Oh, we got both.

All right, well, we just want...

Plastic and wire.

We don't use wire.

What do you think they're a savage?

Yeah, exactly.

Only, no wire hangers.

You ever see that movie?

Wire hangers?

That's an unfortunate film.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's some bad shit right there.

It is.

It fucks up your clothes, right?

Yeah.

Hey, can I talk to the boss man?

Can you what?

Can I talk to the boss man, please?

He ain't a boss man. You can talk to the boss lady. Hang on.

Alright, boss lady.

Hello?

Lady?

What?

I don't know when they start letting women run businesses and vote.

They started letting women run businesses when the guy kept screwing everything up and we had to take over.

Yeah, you know what? You owe me a rib.

What? What now?

I said you owe me a rib, bitch. Now get out of town.

Fuck you too, you little son of a bitch. Don't call back up if you gonna cuss me.

I'll go down there and beat you.

I'll cuss you right back with the best of them.

I'll go down there and take a wire hangar.

And I've got a damn tracer on this phone.

Ooh!

So keep running your mouth, motherfucker.

Come on, bitch.

Hey, listen to this.

I'm going to go down there and take one of those wire hangars and warm it up

and just start hitting people on top of the head with it.

I'm going to warm it up with a Zippo lighter.

Who wants it?

Scott.

I got a tracer on this phone.

Tracer.

I knew you would call.

Faggot.

I guess we're the best, jerk.

That's funny.

Yep.

She was a nice lady.

What kind of light did we lose there?

Never mind.

What's that here?

I thought you answered.

It was the nice lady you said.

Nice lady.

Well, that was cool.

Abe Hangers, everybody.

What about Big Fat Tits?

Nice guys, nice tattoos in Honolulu.

I'm going to complain about that name, Big Fat Tits.

Tats.

I'm going to say it's tits.

That's what it is.

It's Big Fat Tits.

I just misread it myself.

I'll argue with the guy about that.

Yeah.

No.

Sure.

Hang on, folks.

Next call's coming right up.

Big Fat Tats.

It's a good thing most of the losers are around, because I'm not sure it would be horrible.

We don't even have milkman anymore. He betrayed us.

Like a cunt rag.

I don't want pancakes.

I know they got all-you-can-eat pancakes at IHOP, man.

Do they?

Yeah, for this month only.

What time?

That's probably like all 24 hours, right?

Oh, I can't call Honolulu.

Can't call anybody.

You got time?

Yeah, I guess Honolulu is considered long distance.

Even more long distance. God.

I may have run out of minutes. I doubt I did.

How long was that last call?

I don't know. 10 minutes.

47 minutes left.

The guy obviously made his phone busy

So I'll try Dick Craven

I can't believe I was ordered to call him Dick Craven

What an amateur of me

But this is for nobody in the chatroom

And that is the name, nobody

Not a joke

That phone number's not reachable with this card, you stupid bitch

Yeah, hey buddy, how you doing?

Here's your line number

No, I need to speak to Mr. Richard Craven, please

Miss Lady Bitch

Damn you, die

That's great

Lady Bitch

Yeah

Miss Lady Bitch

She's already gone

What else do you want me to do?

She used the ground long for that

up. Yeah. Just can't be this guy's gonna call me

Miss Lady. Click.

Turbro's out to hook me up

with numbers. Well, businesses

are what I call. That's my forte.

So, there it is.

SGD, goodbye.

That's Prankmaster, apparently. Human

Jesus, that. Where are we going here?

The two numbers and a piece

of paper in Orlando. Dad and Mom.

I don't know what to do with that, though.

That's him. He was staying here, actually.

I thought he was.

What?

Fine, I'll stop talking.

Call someone, call Muhammad and complain about all this.

Yeah, hey, Muhammad.

Yeah, well, we have a Muhammad in the UK.

I wonder how many minutes I can get.

Whatever happened to that one guy?

Did he ever show up again?

What guy?

Remember the Arab dude?

Arab dude.

Who used to listen all the time?

Oh, DTT?

Yeah.

No, he's in hiding or something.

Something happened with that guy.

I should try to call him.

I have his cell phone here.

Call his cell phone number.

She's having fun to her.

funny or an exclusive dgg that's toronto those are the jupe boy kids that's my mom that's prank

master well it calls you a thousand times the jupe boy the jupe boy kids that's what i just

called them i don't have it here anymore fuck i'd have to look for it i just don't feel like it

sorry yeah we could try that f muhammad then hang on let's see yeah i got i don't know 23 cents left

on it something like that i bet you don't have shit i probably get like two minutes out of that

internationally.

But we'll try it.

We'll try it for Nunu.

That'll put us

one step closer

to ending this show tonight.

It's gonna end soon.

Alright, you cool with that, Andy?

Fine.

Guess it's not working.

It's gonna go home.

Take you home

and then go...

I don't know.

Go to sleep.

Fucking hungry.

All I had today was a sub.

I don't play that shit.

Hang on, folks.

Have you ever met a girl

that you tried to date

but a year to make love

she wanted you to wait?

Let me tell you

a story of my situation

No, I don't like that, like, because I'm a much more athletic fat person than any of

those people that piss me off, like, you know, look at these people, like, run laps around

them, like, the one guy, I watched the first episode, the one guy was dominant, um, young

MC, but I'm a better fat man.

Didn't have Bizarre in there, you said?

Yeah, Bizarre was on there, he was really fat, like, he was fat where, like, he was,

I got, uh, I got, I got a Muhammad here in the States.

Yeah, Ahmed, Muhammad, please?

Huh?

Mr. Muhammad?

Muhammad?

Yes?

Who's Muhammad you talking about?

Ahmed?

Muhammad?

Yes?

Please?

No.

Who is?

Assalamualaikum.

Who is, man?

I have a question regarding Muhammad.

What's the big deal with the cartoon and everybody freaking out over here in Europe about it, huh?

Kirsten?

Kirsten, yeah.

You know that guy?

Who?

The guy with the cartoon, the guy with the cartoon, the bomb is in his head, you know what I mean?

Maybe I shouldn't have just said that to him.

I don't know what you're talking about, man.

Hey, man, don't be an asshole.

Hello?

I'm going to go down there and I'll make you smell my teeth.

Okay, okay, come on, come on down there.

You're going to smell my teeth?

Yeah, come on down there, bitch-ass.

Yeah?

What the fuck are you doing, man?

I'm going to pull the hairs on your legs.

Oh, fuck you, stupid-ass.

I'm going to make you eat my sandwich.

Yeah, I love that.

That's funnier.

It tells them when you're going to hit them or kill them or whatever that is.

I'm going to pull your hair out of the way.

You smell my teeth.

I'm going to pull your hair out of the way.

That's hilarious.

That's good stuff.

I fucking smell my teeth.

Oh, this guy's angry.

This guy wants me to do his call.

Okay.

He doesn't give you any background information, like where do we know this person from?

Yeah, like who?

She's bossy, but where's she bossy from?

She bossy?

No, earlier he was talking about someone else, and he's like, she could go to bed.

What is her deal where she...

Yeah, if you're going to send me numbers...

Where would we run into her?

Where she bosses around?

Yeah.

Is she a bitch?

Does she smell?

I don't know.

She got mustache.

If we saw her, would we want to peel it back?

Would we peel it back?

Yeah.

99 Cent Soul Food Express.

Wow.

I should do the classic Chris Rock.

How much do I want to read?

She works at Goodwill.

That sounds like she's a good person.

And she's crazy.

Well, there.

I guess I have enough to go with it.

Would you want to peel it back?

back. Alright. Well, we'll call her

then. Since she works at the Goodwill, we'll complain to her.

We'll tell her that we're at Goodwill and

she told us we had to leave. Tell her we're with the Salvation Army

and we're trying to buy her over.

We're gonna buy you out.

Come on. We're gonna come down there

and massage your temple.

We're gonna brew you some tea

and cook you dinner. Fill your home

with cookie dough.

Fuck. Welcome, Katie.

I hate this phone call.

I can't answer your call right now.

Please, please, remember.

Okay, well, Darren isn't answering.

So I tried for you, Jonathan.

They're a buddy old pal, but it didn't work.

Sorry, guy.

But we tried it.

MD's asking what the conference is not working for him.

That's a liar.

He's a liar.

He's a liar, that bastard.

Whoa.

Out of nowhere.

1-2-2.

I'm back.

Watch out, bitches.

All right, let's see if we can get the milkmaid on here.

I plucked all my eyebrows.

I'm ready for the show.

I've been ready for a while.

I'm all warmed up.

i have no hair on my body it's probably just your hey shut up over there no man we're talking now

yeah we're talking we're in charge stop talking to her you're talking well you're gonna have to

wait your turn no get off my line hang up now no way hang the hell up what's your problem why

you're being all emotional what's wrong i ain't being emotional fuck fuck okay that's way of

putting it so let me what's okay can you update me on how's ellie's uh daughter she was uh sick

i think last we heard um have you heard anything well i'll just ask everybody okay if i can speak

for a moment i'm asking everybody to please uh get their best thoughts and prayers or whatever

they can since we're in the alley's daughter she's got a uh a major blood illness that she

just found out about um is it leukemia or something no i i asked her that it's similar

to that but it's not it's uh something else but supposedly the doctor is thinking something

and it'll go away.

Okay.

I'm hoping that, you know,

with a little bit of treatment there,

it'll go away.

Okay.

Yeah, we don't know.

You know, they don't know.

I mean, the doctors, you know,

didn't get a good answer.

Something to do with her platelets.

Platelets.

So, you know, if your platelets count,

if your platelets go low

and you start bleeding,

you'll bleed to death.

Yeah, that's true.

Platelets is what clogs the hole up

when you've got a cut.

Yeah, that's true.

That's bad.

So, would you say it's like...

She should have like a 50,000 count

and she's running 6,000.

That's scary, man.

What does that?

That's not even sickle cell.

50,000 to 150,000 is normal, and she's only running 6,000.

Yeah, so that's scary.

She's, like, got water running.

Yeah, it's really thin.

They're really thin blood.

That's scary.

Well, I hope everything's okay.

There's nothing to clog it up.

Yeah, there's nothing.

Yeah, my blood's, like, eggnog.

It's so thick.

Yeah, your eggnog's good.

Well, we'll help her with her blood cells.

I don't know if that is nicotine or is it beer?

What?

Nicotine or beer?

That there?

Oh, that's nicotine, straight up nicotine.

That's all we do.

I don't think it will clog up your veins that bad.

No, it's eating cookie dough and ice cream.

That's pretty good, man.

Especially when you've got a big buzz on.

Hey, you said that.

You're in the Virgin Islands.

You can get away with that kind of stuff.

It's legal down there.

Here in the States, we toe the line.

We toe the line.

Someone has to toe the line.

It might as well be us.

Yeah.

We do the things right.

We're staying out of trouble.

Anyway, I just want to ask everybody, please say a prayer or send a good thought

or whatever you can to send a positive message to our daughter because she's really sick.

Well, I will sacrifice a chicken tomorrow.

I'll eat a whole chicken in memory.

Not in memory.

Sacrifice a public's chicken, a public's fried chicken on the altar of Carlito.

That's right.

We shall do it.

Well, as a matter of fact, Carlito, don't choke on the chicken bone,

but if you do, we can sue Purdue because we've got a lawyer on it.

Is he really a lawyer?

He's not a lawyer.

He just sounds British, and we like that.

Well, actually, I do work for a legal firm,

but it's only doing wills and stuff like that.

No, you're a fake lawyer.

You're a faker.

Are they called a banister or a barrister in England?

Well, no, I'm not a barrister, no.

All I do for a living is write wills and press for people.

Do you wear those gay wigs?

No, no, no.

I work for a legal firm.

I don't work in the courts or nothing like that.

I heard if I go down to your work and you're there that you can't laugh or anything.

Like, I can push you around and stuff, right?

Is that what it is, like that?

No, in my work, no.

Maybe in the courts, but like I said, I'm just a solicitor.

Well, it's not a solicitor.

I'm a legal advisor, so I can give you the website if you want to see it.

If I go to your job and I stay in your office all day, would you make me leave?

Because I don't really have anywhere to go.

We don't have anywhere to stay.

We're planning a trip to the UK, but we don't have anywhere to stay, so we thought we'd stay with you.

Well, like I said, I said Milkman could crash down.

You know, I've got a massive flap, so if you want to share a badge with Milkman...

What? A massive wing?

Massive flaps?

Milkman has a massive flap?

I'm not a bottom. I'll have you know.

Milkman, bring your massive flaps over here.

I'm not a bottom.

Oh, anyway, Milkman's saying that, in fact.

Milkman's a top.

Oh, Milkman, we naturally assume an American would be the top and a Britishman would be the bottom.

That's how it should be.

I'm not a bottom, ever.

Yeah, you're a top.

Ever, ever?

Hey, okay.

Always a top, that Milkman.

Well, I'll let you two decide what you want to do.

Milkman's always a bridesmaid, never a bride, huh?

Me and him will go out and chase the birds, and you guys can have the room then.

The birds.

Sounds good to me.

You guys are dorks.

Yeah.

He's got a hookup on the birds, man.

He's got a massive hookup on birds, man.

How does he have that?

Every time I talk to this guy, he's got a different one.

Every time I go to the grocery store, I have a massive hookup on birds, too,

because i eat a whole chicken yeah yeah but yeah that's kind of prime man i'm talking about kind

of got two legs man you know and got you know ostrich rotisserie ostrich yeah but it doesn't

work out always good because i've got a few stalkers that really really scaring the out of me

um you know i i promise you milkman i will get you the picture of the one scary bird that looks

like a witch she just won't leave me alone like she just won't leave me alone she just keeps on

I'm ringing and ringing and ringing.

Wow.

You've got to do something with that.

Is her name Samantha Stevens?

Is she pregnant?

What's that?

Oh, no.

Well, she looks like she's pregnant, but thank God it's not my kid.

That's for sure.

You know, if I have one kid already and I don't want any more, that's for fucking hell.

How can you be so sure?

They cost me bloody enough.

Well, wait a minute.

Hang on.

Let's not go any further.

How can you be so sure of that?

Because she was so ugly, even though I was so drunk, I did not have sex with her.

I don't know.

All right, Bill Clinton.

I run up a very steep hill and hid down my mate's house for two hours just to get rid

rid of her and so far now i'm only just getting phone calls right and she knows where i live but

i'm not answering the door to anybody because i got my name intercom so um at the moment i'm you

know i'm free and she hasn't come in the pub that i go in drinking in so that's one good thing

hey what kind of accent do you have you guys all have different words for your accents what's

yours called well i'm originally from wales you have a welsh accent yes it's a welsh accent but

I'm not very, very Welsh anymore

because I've been living in England now.

I lived in London for a few years

and now I've moved to Devon.

Can you do the one that's all rhyming and shit?

Do that one.

But they say a different word.

Yeah, do it.

Hang on, what accent is that then?

The Welsh one?

No, the rhyming one.

The fucking, the people in London do it in the movies.

Do it.

Shakespeare.

Oh, like very posh.

Okay, then.

Hello there.

My name is Dave.

How the devil are you?

And it's very spiffy.

That's how you always sound.

Yeah.

like you that's you what the devil was that i did not hear a word of that i'm just i do apologize um

what's it called orkney or cockney cockney i could do i could do a bit of cockney okay

what their governor white son governor yeah so that you try to sound like acdc

acdc yeah sorry sorry uh sorry carrie oh mate what was that mate i'm sorry i was just talking

into the woman, you know?

All right.

Well, I'm sorry, too.

Yeah, we don't like

that whole area over there.

No, I like it.

I don't like Australia.

I don't like Cuba.

You don't like Cuba?

I don't like Cubans.

I'll be honest with you tonight.

I don't like Cubans.

You know, French,

I don't really have

any beef with them.

I don't like Haitians at all.

I don't like Haitians.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't like Miami at all.

I don't like that shit.

What about the city?

You mean the city of Miami?

The city of Miami, yeah.

I mean, I'll go...

I mean, I don't like the people.

I don't like people from...

I like people in New York, but I don't like people from New York.

Dominicans are so ghetto, man.

Yeah, that's true.

I like the Dominicanas.

Yeah, that's what a millman likes.

They're like really monkey-looking.

They take a millman's money and they slap him in the face.

Oh, man.

You ain't seen the good ones yet, man.

We got some real fine.

Yeah.

Cook that right.

They like to cook for their men, too.

That's a good thing.

You come home, you're going to mess it up.

They look like Mestiza, you know.

A few mulattas, but a light one.

Mulattas, okay.

Right.

Well, we're way off subject here, man.

We're talking some shit.

Actually, I think we're on a good subject.

Okay, women, huh?

Yeah, Millman.

See, the one thing, Millman, he goes so overboard letting everyone know that he likes vagina

that it makes you wonder.

Yeah, it makes you just start thinking, like, I don't know.

Well, no.

I don't have nothing to be ashamed of, man.

Yeah, but I mean, it's like you're trying too hard, Millman.

That's what I get from you.

Yeah, I'm not trying too hard.

It's like you're trying to convince us.

You're like, oh, I love you so much.

He's like, last night I had so much pussy last night.

Yeah, I'm ill, man.

I can't go get the car today.

I'm going to get laid.

I'm getting pussy 24-7.

That's just the way you talk.

My whole damn DVD is full of it.

Hey, Miltman, you did get Alice's number, didn't you?

Look at their hanging out over the phone.

I know, they're all full with each other.

In the meantime, I'm calling.

I think we should ring her later.

Yeah, ring her up.

I got 99 cents soul food express on the line

Listen

I got 99 cents soul food express on the line

What time do I get to the prank calls

Hey speak up please

There's a lot of people drinking there

Can you speak up please

What can I get down there for 99 cents

How much

You got ribs

$7

$7? How many ribs come for $7?

It's one.

Just one? How much for one rib?

One rib is $7, sir.

I just, but I just want one rib.

Okay, and it's $7. You might want to just come down here, sir, because we're really busy.

I don't, no, you're going to stand and follow me for a little bit, okay? That's how we do it.

Please? Can I talk, hey, ma'am?

Hello?

Can I speak to a patron, please?

A what?

I need to speak to one of your patrons, please.

You want to speak to somebody?

I need to speak to somebody who's there, like, as a customer.

Can you ask for him, please?

Okay, I'm telling you right now that we're really busy right now.

There's no one else that can speak to you.

Is there anything else that I can help you with?

I need to speak to my friend.

He's in there right now.

I need to talk to him, please.

His cell phone is over.

Okay, who's your friend, sir?

Leroy.

There's no Leroy here.

Yell it out.

Just yell it out.

There's no Leroy here.

You're not asking for him.

You're lying to me.

A good Christian wouldn't do that.

No, I'm not, because I've been here for a long time.

I know everyone that's here.

There's no Levi here.

How about Kevin?

There's no Kevin here.

Tunisia.

Who?

Angola.

Sorry, sir.

I'm not going to keep going through names, okay?

Liberia.

I'm sorry?

Liberia.

I'm sorry?

Liberia.

Nigeria.

You mean, no, nobody by that name here either.

Ghana.

Hold on.

Kenya, Ghana, Republic of Congo.

Uh-oh.

Can I speak to Congo, please?

So, Madeline, how can I help you?

Yes, I need to speak to Congo, please.

Um, hold on, sir, okay?

I want to speak to Abu Agamda.

Well, now, do you stand up when you pass?

Hello?

Yeah.

Can I take down your name and number? Because he's not here right now.

Could you please... I just need to hear you ask for Congo, please.

Hello?

Yes, can you please just say, is Congo here?

I want to hear you say, is Congo...

I think they were taking your number because there really is someone there named Congo.

There's no Congo in here.

Yes? Yes, ma'am?

Yes, can I help you?

Yes, could you please ask if Africa is there, my friend Africa?

Um, hold on, please.

Ma'am?

Africa Boombada.

Goddammit, I want to hear her say, is Africa here?

I don't want her to say, yeah!

Let's take it too long. We have precious minutes left.

Take it.

No wasting my minutes. I wasted the last of my minutes.

Wait, how did she get nasty ribs anyway?

I guess so.

Probably the bitch.

Um, let me get reattached this here. Hang on.

To the IRC.

a toothpick. Now, what's going on? Someone

is telling me to do nobody's number. Nobody

has sent in a Samuel

Erlander. That's not

Prankmaster's family. We put one in the

main chat. Who is that? Who is that

related to Prankmaster? Is that just

a number? Nobody. Ah, nobody.

Some of

the other people have been calling Prankmaster's grandmother

or something like that. Is that what it is?

Oh, I got that number.

No, I don't.

No, I don't want to talk to Adam. Anything to do

with Adam? Nope. No, thank you.

I don't want to talk to Adam.

I'd like to interview his grandmother.

The Warrior has sent me a number for Sarah.

They will say she can't talk, then fuck with whoever picks up.

Confirmed in Colorado, it's her sister.

I don't know what the hell that's all about.

Well, then why can't she talk?

Why can't she talk?

I don't think I'm going to ask that.

Might as well ask it, right?

So, Milkman, why don't you give me the lowdown on what's been going on.

They've been calling who exactly?

They've been calling who?

They've been calling prank messengers next to Ken.

Oh, I don't know.

No one's called for a while.

Okay, what happened the other night? I might have went to sleep or something. I think he was up late. It happened late.

But any one of my friends or any fuck sack was coming in the room and bugging the hell out of everyone.

He said somebody found a number that had a last name on it and just dialed it up.

It had the same last name and come to find out, luckily, it was his grandparent.

Ah, so they found his grandparent.

And she admitted on the air in his knowledge that he was up in the lake.

uh hello hey may i speak to sarah please who's calling please my name is roberto i'd like to

speak to sarah please roberto who are you please look buddy this is getting kind of personal don't

you think yeah i'm her father well i need to speak i need to speak to my lady please your lady yes

well guess what roberto who the hell are you i'm you sound like a homosexual so i know she's not

not your daughter, first of all. I am not a homosexual, and you know what? You sound

like a homosexual to me, buddy. You don't want to be. You don't want to be. Jesus Christ.

I'm telling you. I'm fucking my dad. I hope his sister's older than like four or five.

She's already in bed, dude. Got in trouble hanging out with goblins. I wish I would've

If I'd known about that, I could have totally run with that, dude.

I'm going to kill myself.

This is the Dark Lord or something like that.

We'll call him next week.

Next week.

Asriel.

This is Faves of the Dark Watch.

This is Asriel.

Anyway, I'm going to fall to her.

Yeah, that guy was...

I'm sorry.

The warrior, your sister is probably either intensely skinny or really chubby.

It's usually one of the two.

God girls don't go in that middle.

You know, she has very clammy skin.

Not clammy, but very pale skin.

Yeah, for sure.

Well, that sucks.

I wonder what she did.

I think she was smoking some weed or something worse than that.

He's probably, like, a logger and throwing it in her closet right now.

How much do you want to bet if she's, like, 14 that arrested for theft either, um, what's

that store in the mall?

Hot Topic?

I bet it's either Hot Topic or the Spencer's.

Or the Spencer's.

No, no.

If she's into goth, she's not stealing from the Gap.

Yeah.

The Gap?

Yeah.

Hot Topic's like the goth store.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah it's very gothic

You go buy your clothes

In the mall

Yeah

What a great goth you are

Yeah

Go to Hot Topic

That's where you are

You're going to the mall

Buying your goth clothes

Yeah

Probably some jewelry

Some like five dollar jewelry

She lifted from the mall

I see girls like getting

I go to the mall

Every once in a while

You see like a girl

Getting arrested

12, 13

You know all the time

You see that shit there man

You go and hang out there too much

It's kind of scary

I go there once a week

What's the big deal

I used to go there to walk every day

Like one of the

Like the old people

I used to when

When, um, um, what's it called?

Bin Laden?

No, I can't remember the story now.

Damn it.

I don't know.

Well, I used to go to the mall and walk.

And just hang out in front of a particular store.

I can't remember what it's called.

Yeah, but you worked out in the mall, though, anyway.

Yeah, but that was before I worked there.

But you walked there.

And then when the mall first opened.

The Beard and Pagoda.

No, I don't care about that.

When the mall first opened, Sable and Mark Merrill opened up the mall.

So I was there for that, the grand opening.

And Randy Savage was there for a little bit.

Oh, dude, I saw them.

I saw them at the convention.

Mouth of the Heart, Mouth of the South.

Jimmy Hart was there.

I got to show you this picture, dude.

That guy owes me $20.

Jimmy Hart and Mark Merrow was there also.

I saw them both.

Shit, I forgot.

Hey, I've got a question.

Yeah, is this the Comedy Club?

Yeah.

Great.

I got a question.

I'm trying to see what I need to do to come down there and start doing some sets.

I'm looking to break out.

I've got a radio show, and you're actually on it right now.

I want to know if I could, uh, you know, come in and do, and, you know, try to test the

wires a little bit.

Uh, we have an open mic on Wednesday.

On Wednesday?

Yeah.

That doesn't work to me.

Look at the last picture in there, dude.

What's on the last picture?

I, look at that.

Read that.

I'm sending that to you.

Read what now?

I'm not talking to you.

Hey, look, uh, what, what are your, uh, drink, drink wires?

How much does it cost me to get a gin and tonic down there?

Four twenty-five.

Four twenty-five?

Okay, so if I win this whole contest, what happens?

Hey, Victor.

That is totally Hulk Hogan.

Yes, that is Victor. Hey guys. Hey you on the phone. Look at this pictures that whole Kogan Andy that roid

He's a racist too. I'll punch him in the bitch-ass mouth. You know, he fucked you know, Hulk Hogan. Fuck this girl

Yeah

And then Brian Pillman killed her to Brian Pillman

No, yeah, what are you talking about killed?

Hey, can you put me on to the other guy or like a boss or something because you're obviously, you know

Just being a douche and being stupid

That's not very professional. Come on, complain to someone.

Patron or something like that, you know?

Show sucks.

I'm very unfunny, so I'm calling a comedy club.

Trying to see if they can give me some material.

Larry?

Shut up! Shut up, you asshole!

Yeah. Yeah, Larry.

Yeah, what do you gotta say, Larry? What's up?

It's not. Look, I don't know why I'm calling you.

I'm gonna hang up now, okay? Alright, buddy.

This conversation's gonna have to be a lot quicker for me.

Yeah, well, this conversation's being recorded.

Some nights you get lucky, and some nights you don't.

Some nights, yeah, you're right.

You know, I'm having a horrible night tonight, actually.

I'm doing a radio show, and it's really sucked.

Like, I'm having a lot of technical difficulties, and I've been really unfunny, you know, stuff like that.

Yeah.

I'm just calling for some material.

So you call me and need some humor, do you?

I'm just trying to get some free material, you know.

Okay, well...

No, no, no, you, you, you're the comedy guy.

Just give me a joke or do something.

Uh...

Sound people laugh?

What's the story?

Are you working there? What are you doing?

I work occasionally.

Doing what?

You know, I just kind of see things, humor the bad tempered people.

Right. Can you put me in touch with one of the funny people?

I don't think any of them are around.

Well, who's there?

This time of night, everybody's in a bad mood.

Well, I'm in a horrible mood. Obviously, you are too.

So, people go in there to be in a bad mood?

No, they come in a bad mood, they leave in a good one.

Okay, well, that's great.

Well, obviously, you're not going to help me out, so I'm going to bid you goodnight.

Thank you for nothing.

My name is Carlito, and look, really seriously, either you need to get someone on the line

over there, or I'm going to have to get serious with you.

And don't be in the matter.

Let's be serious.

Don't make me do it.

Don't make me do these things, because, I mean, I don't want to have to degrade myself,

but I will.

I will come to it.

Now, please, please, I beg you, please put someone on the line who can say a joke or

a comedy or something like that, or I'm going to have to get serious.

Okay.

Let me see what I can find.

Hold on.

Alright.

I didn't even get to it.

Hey, they're already threatening.

Yeah, they're good.

You got worried.

I didn't really get- oh my god.

This guy's been-

I'm gonna tie your socks in knots.

Every one of them.

One giant sock rope.

That's a good one.

I'll have to use that one.

What's her money?

What were the ones I was saying?

Pull your leg hair?

One girl, but what she was doing probably isn't gonna come out funny on the radio, so.

Okay.

I'm gonna go down there and pull your leg hairs.

Alright.

What do you think?

How's that sound?

Yeah.

What do you think?

Coming in for some work?

Yeah.

I can get you $6, $7 an hour, probably.

Doing what?

What can you do?

I can DJ.

No, I need to cook.

Okay, I'll cook.

What kind of menu do you have there, like burgers and shit?

Yeah, they all go in the microwave.

Microwave.

You got a six?

That isn't cooking, actually.

So you shouldn't call that cooking, that's microwaving.

Well, we have a microwave cookbook, so apparently it is cooking.

Yeah, how much do you charge for a microwave burger?

It's $7.

Oh, my God.

That's such a rip-off.

Do you have fries there?

Do you microwave the fries, too?

No, you get to keep the microwave.

Well, how much for the damn burger?

You get to keep the microwave.

All right, then.

Well, hey, we're going to go because all this talk of food and it's late.

You know how it is.

Yeah, we hate you.

Yeah, we hate you, too.

I got you.

This is Larry, right?

That's me.

Well, Larry, if you ever want your big break, you get a hold of me, okay?

Okay.

Where do I do that at?

MadHouseLive.com.

All right, I'll check it out.

All right.

Can you please say this is Larry at the Looney Bin Comedy Club and I'm listening to MadHouse?

Sure, I'll do that for you.

If you believe it, this is Larry at the Looney Bin Comedy Club,

and I'm looking into madhouse.com.

Great.

Perfect.

Thank you very much, sir.

All right, buddy.

All right.

Peace.

Nothing funny in Oklahoma City at all.

That was horrible.

We got our hamburgers, $7.

Come on down.

I gave you a job.

That's disgusting.

$7 for a hamburger.

You want a damn hamburger.

You're the funniest damn guy in the whole town.

Right.

Okay, Nunu, let's do Nunu's number.

Let's call it a night.

John Bacon.

John Bacon, everybody.

I don't even know if I have any minutes left.

Yeah.

Got about 12 minutes left.

This is probably the last call of the night, then.

Okay.

You have 20 minutes.

This is the church of the living dead because Nunu asked me to call someone and never sent

me his number.

And he left the shower room anyway, so what's the matter?

Bueno.

Bueno, yes.

Is this the church?

Yeah, this is the church.

Okay.

Bueno, may I ask you a question?

Can you explain to me what your church is all about?

Who's this?

My name is Carlito.

You're on my radio show.

We found you.

We're interested in changing religion, so I'm calling you to see if it's possible,

if you could explain to me what your religion is.

I'm shopping for a religion.

Go ahead.

Oh, you're shopping for a religion?

Yes.

But you know that we're in Utah, right?

Yeah, that's fine.

I'll relocate.

It's no problem.

Where do you live?

I live in New York.

It's connected to New York.

Oh, God.

So you're the church of the living dead, is it?

Of the living dead.

The living God.

So how does it work?

God is living?

to the pastor hello are you mexican how do you know because i can tell on your

sound like a cockroach on the phone sir that was the church of the living god

church of the living dead he's like what's wrong with these guys church of the living dead

that's funny you know we're in utah man yo do you know you're in utah

joe are you why are you so dead

D-Dead, D-Dead, D-Dead, D-Dead, D-Dead, D-Dead.

Somerset County Vocational Technical School.

D-Dead keeps posting he's going to some vocational school.

That's where he goes to school?

What a waste of time going to a vocational technical school.

Nah, not for D-Dead.

Nah, I guess so.

That's not very nice of me to say.

What was he going to do?

Sorry, D-Dead.

That wasn't very nice of me to say.

I'm going to call this show.

It's been enough.

Right, Andy?

Yeah, we found out that she is skinny.

The Warrior's sister is skinny.

Good.

She's one of those.

She smokes closed cigarettes, I bet you, too.

Yeah.

The bet's out there.

I bet it's true.

We didn't even do a break tonight to show the folks.

She smokes closed cigarettes.

I've had several people already message me and ask,

how is AMD's wedding coming along?

No one asked you about that.

All right, well, go ahead and tell us.

Are you getting married, AMD?

Well, I did get married, like I said, but she hasn't talked to me since.

So, you know, she probably wants money off me,

but, uh, like I said, I haven't seen her since-

Why'd you get married to her?

I think she's gone wild.

Why'd he get married?

We don't-

We didn't like get married.

Yeah, why?

We didn't get married.

We didn't, why?

Yeah.

I haven't really got married.

Do you wanna call her back?

I-

So you wanna get married to this wench?

Why would you wanna get married?

Why?

Why would you wanna ruin your life like that and get married?

No, no, no, I almost got married, um, in real life.

But it was a dude.

But I got married to that girl on the phone,

so when we're in, we should call her back and I should ask for some money,

because I say, you know, I'm a husband now.

That girl we called a couple of weeks ago,

I think we should...

Who gave you that number?

Because whoever did, please post it in

because we can ring it back.

Danielle.

It was the lawyer.

Is he in tonight?

I don't know, you guys.

I'm going to sleep.

That's it.

I'm done.

AMD, good luck with your wedding.

I don't know what's going on.

We don't know what you're talking about.

So you are married?

You're getting married or what?

Final word.

Well, no, I'm not married.

Good.

I'm not going to get married.

where we pranked some girl

a few weeks ago, remember?

And you love her.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

We got married over the phone.

You got married to that chick

over the phone, yeah.

Well, yeah, yeah, I remember that.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah.

So what happened?

Yeah, what's the update?

So you're still married?

Nothing.

Nothing happened.

All right.

YMD.

Hey, Carlito.

Carlito here.

Okay.

Wait, he wants you to talk

so he can talk.

Oh.

I was going to say something.

So then, uh...

All right, what was I going to say?

hang on

Carly

speaking of wits

do you want

mine stalker's numbers

you know the girls

that a stalker be

the two crazy ones

do you want their numbers

I can't call

yeah I do

but I can't call

I don't have any

international minutes left

out of international minutes

that's why I'm

ending the show

because it hasn't

been a good show

yeah the show

hasn't been good

okay that's it

you guys

goodnight MD

while you're

sending in the numbers

Good night, Milkman.

Milkman, say your shout-outs.

Hurry, please.

Milkman.

He's mad at you.

Milkman, say something.

Do it, Milkman.

Yeah, come on, man.

Is everybody's favorite part of the show when you do the end?

I need to get him a...

Here we go.

Here's your song for that.

Go ahead, Milkman.

This

is not going to say nothing.

All right, you guys, we're going to disconnect

because I'm not hearing from any of you.

I'm here.

All right, AMD, say bye, man.

I think I'll be like, you're there.

Okay, then.

Goodbye to everybody tonight.

Bye.

Like I say, I will get all the stalkers' numbers

and I'll post them to you in a week.

Yeah, we'll have the shit.

Cheers to everybody out there in the chat room.

And I will speak to you all later,

so goodbye from me and Andrew.

It was great having AMD on.

He's very classy.

He is classy.

He's very classy.

Yeah, he's a very nice guy.

Thank you very much.

Okay, American accent.

All right, so then, that's it.

Milkman, your turn.

He's hilarious.

That's it.

He's doing it on purpose.

They're both disconnected.

That's funny.

It's not funny.

It's being funny.

It's not funny, and it's not fun.

That's it.

I'm going to end the show.

You've got to do all of the things you usually say.

You need to do those once.

I don't want to.

Stupid people.

All right, yeah.

So, yeah, tomorrow you can hear Dr. Lego at 8 o'clock.

8 p.m. Eastern, Dr. Lego's mental discrepancies followed by Zolar Vision at 10 p.m. Eastern.

What?

I don't know.

I'm just saying.

Kitty K's Lunatic Fringe is on 10 p.m. Eastern on Saturdays.

There you go.

And then K-Bone's not on Sunday anymore.

He's on Tuesday.

So then you'll have Sean Ward at 9 p.m. Eastern on Sunday.

great and then you have monday's nothing and then tuesday is a cable's crazy talk at some time in

the night because i don't even know there you go and then wednesday is katie k again for the

cycle babble where he doesn't do prank calls but he does a talk show that's very nice and funny

and on thursday we'll be back here again for more madhouse yeah i'm sure everybody's really excited

everybody's really excited this small short claps madman wants to mean to call one of his numbers

but i'm on a phone yeah i mean i got like five minutes left on the phone card probably at this

point so it's not even worth it dude it was horrible tonight sorry guys we never have you

know we don't always have a beautiful night it's never good it's never good thanks okay well it's

over thank you very much we'll catch you guys here next week uh thank you for hanging in with

us everybody who contributed uh nobody called in because the tour finland didn't work you

fucked that up because i fucked that up that's right but uh i thank you to everybody in the

chat room and everybody who listened tonight thank you to lonesome loser thank you to milk

man thank you to amd thank you uh yeah thank you to everybody who uh sent in numbers also i'm trying

to remember but i just at the top of my head i can't remember uh but everybody who sent in numbers

and contributed tonight thank you very much it's very well appreciated and we'll catch you guys

later have a good weekend everybody

i just gave it to her today it didn't interrupt me

Man, you're gay, man.

Herbert, you let y'all know who you is, dude.

Who the fuck is this?

This is fucking Herbert.

You know what I did?

Man, he scared me.

Oh, man, I ain't get my number.

I got your dirty laundry.

I got your dirty laundry over here.

Dude, who is this?

Oh, on my face.

I don't want to have to do what I'm saying, man.

I'm posting up on one person right here, and that person for the rest.

Can you stay in your car?

You like listening to me on the phone?

Yeah.

Calling me from blocked numbers.

I don't know a block number.

What you need to do is hang up.

Hey, I heard your whole conversation.

Don't make me call the police.

Well, call the police then.

Yeah, you know what's up.

I'm going to blackmail you.

I'm so scared.

Jive turkey ass motherfucker.

What's your problem now?

Jive turkey, you bitch.

You didn't hear, boy.

You jive turkey motherfucker.

Man, you can show me a place where I'm about to come whoop some motherfuckers ass

I don't even know who the fuck you're talking about.

How much are you going to charge?

You got to pick somebody up over here to the taxi cab.

Man, this ain't no motherfucking taxi cab.

You're talking about fucking picking somebody up.

I don't want your goddamn ass.

I kicked your ass.

You're talking about the best shit in your goddamn mother.

What?

Your mother.

You motherfucking nigga.

How you like that, you piece of shit?

I'm not a fucking nigga.

You're a fucking bitch.

You nigga, motherfucker.

How you like it, man?

What?

Man, I'm a motherfucking bitch that pried the goddamn phone.

This is a white man that don't want to hear from no goddamn niggas calling me in the fucking middle of the night.

Listen, listen, boy, listen, boy, listen, boy, I'll show you a boy in a 12-gig shotgun, motherfucker.

Listen, cracker, listen here, cracker, listen here, cracker, honky, I'll show you some fucking three-letter, motherfucker.

I'll see you here, I'll see you here. Are you Michael Frazier?

Man, this ain't Michael Frazier, man, this is about some white man.

uh look let me just ask you real quick first of all um why don't you shut the hell why don't you

shut the hell up you fucking stupid bitch

we would give you a couple hundred dollars though

Are you ready?

I wish I was the governor.

Just pretend I'm sitting on you, okay?

No problem?

Okay.

I don't got to go.

Ah!

God!

Yeah.

Well, I got to go.

Please do wash your hands.

Yeah.

What kind of life do you have where you have to do this stuff?

This is a very interesting radio you have.

Very interesting radio thing that you have that, you know?

It just shows me that you have, like, nothing going.

No, I got plenty.

This is what we do, man.

man. I do this the whole time.

This is what you do, like, you know what I mean?

Talk stupid.

People actually listen to this shit.

Everybody listens to this shit, man.

Not everybody, because anybody with a half a brain

that I know don't listen. Anybody with a half a brain

would listen to this show instead of eating your shitty-ass pizza.

How old are you? Thirteen.

Yeah, fucking right. You sound like you're fucking

eighteen or nineteen. I'm thirteen,

I said. Yeah, right. Yes, I was born

thirteen years ago, last Friday.

Mm-hmm.

I'm hanging up, and you better not call.

Do you have stripes in your underwear?

Do I have what?

Stripes in your underwear.

You are a sick fuck.

Come on, let me talk to your sister, man. Be a pal.

No!

Have you ever seen your sister naked?

No!

Calls (17, 40 min of 1 h 38 min)

Transcript

Comments 0