2006-02-23 Show (part 1)

I saw that. That was on Frontline, actually.

Yeah, he knelt down and cried.

Yeah, I remember that.

That's the one with the interpreter who was saying everything wrong.

Back to the general. Remember that?

Just one moment.

It's an exclusive of PCU Radio and Madhouse5.com.

ABC store.

Hey, Grits and Groceries, right, sir?

You got it.

All right.

Yes, sir.

So you're going to make up your mind or what?

Make up my mind about what?

Is it Grits or is it Groceries or is it Liquor?

It's Grits and Groceries Liquor.

So I can go in there and get some Grits right now?

You got cheese Grits or ham Grits or what?

We got them in the pack.

You can buy them and take them home and cook them.

Fuck that shit, man.

I don't want you to make my Grits for me.

We don't make Grits.

Then why do you have Grits in your first name, asshole?

Why are you asking so damn many questions?

Because I'm if I'm gonna drive down there. I'm gonna not waste my gas

I'll tell you what gas is expensive there old boy. You know I want to

Yeah, well it is well shit. I think it's false advertising you say that the first thing you saw

What you want, how do you make grits if I go down to get a pack of grits how you eat grits fat boy or what?

Yeah, I eat grits.

Alright, how am I gonna make this?

What, I take this bag of grits and throw it in some water?

How do I do it?

You can do it any way you want to.

You're a fat fucker, aren't you?

I know I ain't fat fucker, I'm a pretty good fucker though.

What did you just say to me?

Milkman ruined it.

I'm a pretty good fucker though.

How dare you talk to me like that on the phone?

I dare you to talk to me that way.

You just said the F word, I'm just calling for some grits.

Who the hell is this?

This is Bo.

Who?

Bo.

Bo Steen.

Bo Steen?

Write it down, you fat fucker.

Bo Steen.

How do you know I'm a fat fucker?

Because I can hear it in your big, fat, wally-ass voice.

You gravy-chinned fuck.

What can I hear in your wally-ass voice?

You hear it?

Yeah, I'm a homosexual.

I hear a bunch of bullshit.

That's what I hear.

I'm going to go down there and make you eat my shit out of my ass.

And it has semen mixed in it.

I got a damn 38 that says you ain't going to make me do a damn thing.

Oh, I got you on tape threatening me.

It's over.

You need some free liquor.

Piggy.

I ain't giving you shit.

Well, I'm gonna go down there and give you some shit, I'm gonna punch you in the mouth, you fat redneck.

No, you ain't.

I'm gonna go down there, you're gonna make me some grits, and I'm gonna have sex with you.

How are you gonna go down there? I ain't down there, I'm up here.

I said down there, because I'm up here north, I'm in New York.

Oh, who is this?

I told you, my name is Bo Steen.

I don't know Bo Steen.

Well, I'm a good old boy from town, and I'm gonna go down there, you're gonna make me some grits.

What?

Which town?

The town that you're in, you stupid asshole, Chesterfield.

Y'all ain't know where the hell you're at, boy?

Well, that don't make no change, ring no bell with me.

You're such a goddamn homosexual, you don't even know what town you live in anymore.

You're a damn liar and son of a bitch, too.

You're a stupid cock and you're a liar.

Hey, if you don't tell me what the hell you want and what you called me for, I'm going to hang up.

I want some grits, I said.

G-R-E-T-Z.

I told you you could go to the grocery store anywhere and get grits.

Well, I want grits from your place, because your place says grits.

I ain't going to sell you none. I don't like your attitude.

You don't even know who I am.

Well, I said I didn't know, and I'm fixing to hang up.

You don't need me to sell me no grits.

You're going to make it for me for free.

Then I'm going to use it as lubrication to have anal sex with you.

No, you're not having no anal sex with me.

Yes, I am.

You're going to like it, too.

No, you're not.

It's going to be just like when your cousin was in town.

What cousin?

Your cousin.

Your cousin, girlfriend, mother, sister, wife.

Walter.

Your cousin, boyfriend, mother, sister, wife, cousin.

Oh, I hear you talking about it.

I ain't got time for this bullshit.

I'm working.

His name's Ernest.

I'm going to pull all your pubic hair out, make a sandwich, and make you eat it in front of me with grits.

You can go to hell, too.

You can go to hell, you damn Republican.

This is Bo Steen, I said.

Bo Steen.

I don't give a damn.

I don't know Bo Steen.

Why are you asking what my name is, you crack-ass cracker?

What's your name?

This is Bo Grits.

We lost him.

Grits and Grits, ABC Star.

Yes, hi.

Hi, I was wondering if you'd like to make a donation to the homosexual movement of South Carolina?

What did I just get through telling you?

I don't need to call back here anymore.

Look, boy, I'm going to have sex with you.

Don't call me no boy. I ain't no boy.

I'm old enough to be your father, boy.

Hey, how you doing? Is this Harry?

No, it's not, sir.

Who am I speaking with?

My name is Keith.

Are you in charge of hiring?

I actually own the store, sir.

You own the store, so there's no Harry involved then?

No, sir.

Well, that's good. I don't like hair that much anyway, but regardless, I got a truck full of Chinese people here looking for some job, and I see you guys are a sweatshop. I thought maybe you guys would be interested.

No, don't use them, sir.

Well, you don't like Chinese people? What's the matter with you? What, you stick with Mexicans or something? That's kind of racist, don't you think?

It's a family business.

So you have your family working in a sweatshop?

Yes, sir.

What kind of sick person are you? You make your family sweat labor?

What a bastard that guy. He's got a sweatshop and he makes his... I'm going to try to call him back.

Harry Sweatshop, can I help you?

Hey, how you doing, Harry?

Harry, why'd you hang up on me?

First of all, my name's not Harry, sir, and what can I do to help you?

Look, I need to find out, number one, Keith, Jim, Bob, whatever your name is,

what type of man in America would dare run a sweatshop right under our noses here?

First of all, it's not a sweatshop.

That's just the name of the store.

So it's a sweatshop.

What did you say when you picked up the phone right now?

That's the name of the store, sir.

It's a retail store.

Oh, so do you provide clothes for, like, Walmart or Kmart or something really cheap?

No, I provide clothes for individuals that come in and buy them from me.

Under slave labor?

Under slave labor.

No, I don't have any slave labor.

Then why are you calling this workshop?

I don't have time for your bullshit.

Call somebody else.

Listen, you little cock.

The house next door to me.

I'm sold to niggers.

I came for white babies.

I got a truckload of white babies.

Oh, those Japanese babies.

They're mad smart.

You missed it, Cedric.

Huh?

Cedric.

Who's that?

Who are they?

Oh, I got it.

You listen to the Madhouse Radio with Carlito.

Minimum.

And I'm psychic Andy.

What?

That's gay.

Psychic Andy.

Crazy.

Sidekick.

That's got to be crazy.

Thursday.

Today is Thursday.

I'll now wake him.

You're a two.

That's how everybody thinks.

God?

Which one?

He thinks he's genius.

Bird.

Oh, hey.

Sloth.

When he decides to announce his divinity, the law sees mad, they'll knock him off.

We're at the rip-off.

My friend, this could be the best thing that ever happened.

Those who believe life here began out there across the universe.

Tribes of humans who may have been the forefathers of the Egyptians,

Altecs, or the Mayans, have been the architects of the great pyramids.

Lost civilizations of Lemuria, Atlantis.

Some believe that there may yet be brothers of man who even now fight to survive somewhere beyond the heavens.

There will be no order, only chaos.

That being said, grab a blunt, take a big hit, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

This is an exclusive of PCU Radio and MadHouseLive.com.

i know drug real from real real i take this today first of all um he shut the hell once he

shut the hell up but maybe he's only a little crazy like painters or composers or or some of

those men in washington

Hey, you son of a-

You motherfucking-

You are-

I'm gonna speak in Spanish.

You speak-

You speak English, I see.

You motherfucking-

I go ahead, man.

Mother bitch.

Mother fucking you.

You bitch.

Don't never-

I'm punching him out.

Don't never call a game to be boring, man.

No, my lord.

You motherfucking-

Why are you so angry?

I'mma see you.

I'mma squat it.

We're so high right now.

We're not low.

Hey, what's up?

Hey.

Good evening.

Every-

Fuck.

Oh, you see this right here?

here I was I was smoking a cigar while I was on the air and the next thing I know there's smoke

like two inches from my face and the microphone cup caught on fire it was like I was smoking

his black and mild down to the nub and it caught on fire and it almost burnt my nose it singed my

nose hairs I saw the smoke yeah it actually caught on flame like and it was like right by my eye I

was like oh like that and I was on the air and I got scared I put myself on me for it though that

That was crazy.

It would have been funny to hear you

No seriously I was like

Yeah that would have been great

Yeah

You could use that as like a drop or something

That was Friday

That was funny

That was very funny

I remember that

Anyway

Hey everybody

It's 1025 or some shit

Yeah it's 1025 right

I don't know if these are accurate

1024

1025 whatever

We're on delay anyway

So you don't care

It's yeah

It's 1025 p.m. eastern

and you're listening to The Madhouse

on PCU Prank Call Underground Radio

and also some other guy who's simulcasting me now.

I forgot his name.

Yeah, he's great, though.

He is great.

Thank you.

He lifted a car off of a child once.

You don't know about this, do you?

No, I do know he lifted a car off of a child once.

Yeah, but you don't know he's simulcasting us now.

It's called Hits City, everybody.

Hits City.

That is HitsCity.Aim

slash planet...

No, no, no.

I'm sorry.

.Aim-Planet.com

HitsCity.Aim-Planet.com

That would be Hits City.

That's Austin Moore.

I guess he does a show himself or something.

Anyway, he's simulcasting us tonight, so good for him.

That's his website.

Why don't you say hi to him?

Anyway, yeah, this is the Madhouse.

I need to turn it down a little bit, I think.

What's what?

No, no, I don't think it's really loud.

Is it really?

Yeah, my ears hurt.

Oh, Jesus.

God, hang on.

I'll just turn mine down.

Well, yeah, you have your own microphone.

That's what I'm saying.

You got your own speaker setting or whatever.

I guess, I don't know.

There's Nunu.

We got to talk to Nunu, too.

I got to make an announcement to Nunu here in a few.

That we hate him and we hope he dies?

No, no, no.

He has, anyway, I'll get to that in a second.

Remind me of the Nunu case I had to talk about.

Okay.

There was something else, too, I had to talk about.

Yeah.

Anyway, so, yeah, Milkman's not here tonight.

I don't know where he is.

I talked to him before the show.

He's like, yeah, man, we're going to go.

I'm ready.

Yeah, I got Kitty all lubed up for nice.

I just shaved my tank.

Yep, but look, he's gone.

I don't know.

Maybe he lost coconut power.

I don't know.

We're getting invaded by the cannibals.

Yeah, so we hope to hear from Milkman.

And then, yeah, I just got my cell phone shut off because I haven't paid the bill.

Yeah.

I've got to pay that when we get off the air.

It's not that I don't have the money.

It's just I didn't pay the bill, okay?

I have a job now.

I have a job now, everybody.

Yeah.

Good for me.

I think I do.

For those of you who are following the saga from, like, Friday when I was on the air,

yes, I took my drug test, and I suppose I passed.

I don't know.

Andy, what are your thoughts?

Do you think it's possible for me to have passed doing what I had done?

I don't know.

I've never had to because I don't work in any kind of industry where they care.

They prefer you to be on drugs.

That's what I do.

It's a 50-50 show.

I don't know.

Yeah, I would say it's like 50-50.

I like that.

Were you here when we prank called Reverend Phelps, God Hates Fags guy?

I don't know.

We prank called his and we got to talk to him.

Fred Phelps, that's who it is.

The God Hates Fags guy.

Okay.

Anyway, that's what's going on.

Something happened with this dude.

We prank called this guy before.

He's the pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church, right?

I don't think you were here for this.

No, I don't think so.

But I called to interview him, and I got his wife, and his wife went off on me.

What'd she say?

She said I was from 2020.

Ordered by bikers?

Yeah.

Well, you heard about the bikers, right?

Oh, yeah, that's what happened.

The gay bikers?

No, no, they go.

This guy's fucked, man.

He's such a racist.

Did Reverend Phillips create a machine to destroy the world, and the bikers stopped him?

No, he's working on that.

that but what he does he he's like he says that god hates fags and aids and this and that like

he's like really anti-gay whatever he's anti-america he says that the war in iraq is punishment by god

for america embracing fags he says and all this shit so whenever there's a funeral for uh someone

who's been killed in afghanistan or iraq him and his congregation congregation which is pretty much

consisted of his like cousin of like his his grandsons and his immediate family okay that's

that's his congregation they go to these funerals and they protest about they they protest like

against and they call the guy who died is his punishment for fags or something like that yeah

anyway there's this group of bikers called i think they're called the patriot riders does

it say it on here somewhere i think they're called the patriot riders this is group of bikers and

And they go out there and they do counter.

Do they pop wheelies around or something?

I don't know what they do.

But they say that they've gotten violent with them.

They grab their signs.

I want to see that fight.

Bikers verse.

But this guy, I called her once on this show.

And she was yelling at me.

She was like, we're not going to do an interview.

We've talked to CBS before.

When I was 16, I used to watch 20-20 every Friday.

Whatever.

whatever. But, they interviewed

this guy, and, like, he was just

like, he had his grandsons, all

they did all day was fax

out to, uh, gay

people. Like, they would find out someone

who's gay, get their fax number, and harass them

all day, sending them faxes about

how evil gay, like, just, like, calling them

like, sinners and gay, fag,

I don't know, whatever. He's an asshole, basically.

I don't know. Yeah, so, yeah,

these bikers are going around attacking him in this

congregation or something. You know, I'm trying

heard that i hear that you ever heard it yet yeah i did i'm gonna hear it again it's funny

anyway timeless word is a funny funny guy when he was he used to get upset i think he's dead now

he's very fat yeah you know sidekick chuck is telling me to accept the timeless sort of

interview and prank well i i tried but it's not going through um i would suggest sidekick chuck

try to upload that to uh rapid share i know you use that if you could upload that to rapid share

i'll just get it just send me a rapid share link and i'll get it and i'll play it don't worry about

it because I'm on Trillian and your problem regular regular AOL and the

transfer is not going to go through like that yeah I have to be Trillian to

Trillian with me that's a problem but Trillian is so easy to manage anyway

what was I getting out I didn't even say the introductions right we're here yeah

Andy what's up what's going on buddy yeah not the sidekick not the sidekick

if I sound weird it's because I'm sick yeah okay all apologies everybody all

All right, no problem.

Yeah, the website for the Madhouse is madhouselive.com.

Again, that is madhouselive.com, the website for the Madhouse.

If you're listening to PC radio, also please be sure to check out the homepage for Prank Call Underground Radio.

That's kdkprankcalls.com.

That's as in kill, death, kill, kdkprankcalls.com.

You can also join the chat room there.

I see associated people are in there, regulars, Nunu, we're gonna talk to you in a second here, Carlito, that's me, I just read my own name, CarlitoLive, KDK, KillDeathKillHimself, he's right there, LittleEvilNeil, Madman, of course, who runs the chat server, and TheDead and shit, LonesomeLoser, thank you LonesomeLoser, sent in some numbers, whoop-dee, he's working on trying to find this, yeah, he's working on trying to find this guy, Sean Hummel, we need to talk to this guy, I wonder if he'll talk to me.

probably you guys were good friends yeah okay um we got a few numbers so let's see what we

got so far we got codependence of sex addicts and debtors anonymous both of them stupid bitch

answered pretending to be an on a minute message saying the mailbox is full that's funny call back

and she decided to act like a real person yeah yeah call that that's that's a sex editor right

there who answered i bet you that's funny so you wanna you wanna peel it back and beat it up yeah

Yeah, you're a coke.

Beverly Hills Center for Sexual Medicine.

The Club Unisex Clothing.

Okay.

We have Kill Radio, which is a live 24-hour internet radio station.

Okay.

A Fairytale Kingdom in Hawaii.

We have the Manchester Center Money Mart.

Fresno, California.

And Lynn Spears, relative of Britney Spears.

Franklinton, Louisiana.

I suppose so, right?

Isn't she from Louisiana, that bitch Spears?

Yeah.

I wonder what kind of...

Wow.

Great.

We can do that.

As far as Melbourne, because there is

an S-Hummel there, and the only other

S-Hummel I can find in Florida is Zephyr Hills.

It's about

75 miles from Orlando.

I don't know if Homeboy was in Melbourne.

Maybe he still lives with his parents.

You know his dad's name?

His mom had a different last name.

It was like Von Gergerson.

Hey, I know this.

He grew up in

Deltona. He grew up on

Swiss.

Swiss, St. Mike's Grandmother lives there.

Swiss cheese?

No, Swiss Court.

I think it's Swiss Court.

That's the name of those.

Yeah, but he was, like, young.

I'm trying to think what else about him.

I don't know.

He's got red hair.

Well, yeah, his last name is Hummel.

I mean, he's Irish, apparently.

But, yeah.

I don't know.

I can try to locate it, but that's the homeboy right there.

Anyway, what am I getting at?

Join our chat room.

Like I said before, now, if you want to submit your numbers to me, you can do so in the chat room.

You can do so on AOL Instant Messenger Madhouse Radio.

Again, if you're using AOL Instant Messenger, you can hit us up at Madhouse Radio.

If you have someone you'd like us to prank call, we'll take a stab at it.

I ask that you at least give us a full name, first and last name.

What else?

Some kind of info.

Some kind of info, like how old, what they do, where they work, if they got something going on.

Tell us about that, city and state, and try to see if you can confirm that they're going to answer, if possible.

That's all great.

That's all what we ask for.

And if you do that for us, hell, we can definitely get your prank call through.

You know, KDK says he doesn't like to take numbers from other people.

He only wants to take Lonesome Losers numbers.

Like, I do Lonesome Losers numbers.

I try to do as many as I can.

Yeah, speaking of which, Nunu, here's what I had to tell you about.

Yeah, Nunu Saga.

Yeah, try to get me that number that you did so long ago for Phelps, Reverend Fred Phelps.

That's that guy.

And I wanted to ask him, see if I can get them to talk about the biker situation, because that's awesome.

But I got to find that news article.

We can say that we're the opposing bikers.

We're opposing bikers.

What can we say we are?

We're the lowriders.

Yo, we hate fags, yo.

Yo, we hate those fags, too.

Yo, we hate those fags, too, yo.

I'm trying to think.

This guy's name is Phelps.

Biker.

Phelps Biker.

Biker is a dry, non-anti-gay pastor at Soldier Street.

I found it.

Anyway, yeah, so Nunu, if you can find that number

you sent me, I think it was

at least a few months ago. That's him right there.

That's his people right there. They're very terrifying.

God sent us Jed.

Hit the enlarged button.

I'm trying to. Motherfucker won't work.

You didn't hit the enlarged button until now.

Oh, that sucks. That's not enlarged.

Oh, hey, but it looks like

she's got a nice little body on her.

God sent...

That's a little girl, man.

That's his family. That's like his grandkids and shit.

I'd put her in the minor leagues.

Dude, look at that.

Thank God for IEDs.

Isn't that fucked up?

Oh, yeah, that's terrible.

USA Eagles flag nation.

God, it's America, but they got the American flag.

This lady right here.

Well, I bet you that probably says something insulting on her shirt there.

Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no.

It's a star.

I've got 49 stars, not 50.

This one guy, he looks like he's air guitaring here.

Yeah, that's a kid.

That's his family.

It's the only people that go out for that shit.

But that's great that they're the bikers.

I wish they beat him up and shit.

that'd be great

I wonder how long

that fight takes

if you live in the bikers

abandoned motorcyclist

rolls around the country

from one soldier's funeral

to another chair

respectfully to

overshadowed jeers

oh that's all they do

I thought maybe

they whipped some chains

at her or something like that

well it's fun

they just ride by them

with their bikes

which is all loud

and shit

a bunch of Harleys

they should just do

they should just circle them

yeah

it's almost like

chains are

just like

yeah

anyway

fuck that shit

okay

well sidekick2 says

my stream sounds

so much clearer

streamed off my website

hey well thank you man i put up all the i redid the website a little bit i put up the information

to the really nice server that you know the stereo one and stuff and i see some more people

listening to me that's kind of cool but anyway thanks for listening uh we got to get on with

some prank calls look here he is please call later i'm on the air how much money but he doesn't

answer i got a new system for him hey oh man that's our code yeah anyway milkman's what he's

He's 43, I think I calculated, or he's 40.

Have you calculated it?

I think I did once.

He gave me enough clues that I figured out how old he was.

He's 42.

We've got to ask him.

I was born before motor cars were invented.

Nunu says some middle-aged redneck from Texas is a good victim

because he gets pissed after a while and tends to stay on the line.

It reminds people of Mr. Burgess.

Okay, that's cool.

You ever heard of Mr. Burgess, Frank?

No, I don't think so.

See, those are funny, too.

This actually came out to be fake.

That's actually an actor.

He's saved.

I'm going to do this in Milkman's voice before we connect them up.

He said his surname is Smear.

Do some pro-gay or pro-black prank or something.

Invite him to Towns Black Gay Carnival.

Okay, so he doesn't like white people or gay people.

Cool.

And then we got Fred Phelps' number also.

We got to do that.

Okay, nigger claws.

See if we can get Milkman on.

The master engineer of Milkman.

How many attempts do you think tonight?

Five?

I say five.

I'm going to thank you for letting me borrow this CD.

it's really like all right there dude i think i think it's more like seven the person you were

calling is not answering okay let us knew anyway so we'll uh continue waiting for him but in the

meantime we can do pranks guys we have to do pranks uh anything else that i'm forgetting

that we should talk about uh no shouldn't we weren't we like 40 minutes into the show we

haven't done a prank yet so yeah let's do this yeah anyway the website was updated with 14 new

prank calls also so be sure to check that out go to madhouselive.com i've got the infamous uh

Uh, a Game Bang on Prankmaster call, that's there.

I know that.

Let me think what else is on.

Those two prank calls, those new ones that I did Friday, those are on.

I played those at the beginning of the show.

Oh, that's Huckley.

Yeah.

Alright, we're gonna give a call to Fred Phelps.

Reverend Fred Phelps.

Contested the fucking-

You have $2.25.

Alright.

Please enter your destination to talk for 3 hours, 45 minutes, 29 seconds.

Did I mute that number?

Or did it just die without muting it?

Shit.

Whoops. Come on, Phelpsie.

My hardware driver sound pipe

is acting up.

Man, bring the show down.

Yes. Yes, Galaxy's on.

Yes. And you got a new car.

Yeah, I did. Wow. Camry, huh?

Yeah, sure. What do you think a Camry

is? What kind of fucking name is that for a car?

It's a Japanese name for a bull

thing. Is that what it is?

No. Isn't Corolla a Spanish

name? Doesn't it mean like

planes or some shit? It means egg

tosser let's try to call zola right away from milkman picks up what do you think zola he's a

he's a janitor right in high school he does we gotta ask this cat what's the deal zola if you

don't answer now man fucking call call the show let me turn on the toll-free number anyway the

toll-free number is about to be activated you want to call in and talk to us and everybody should

rush right now yeah yeah we only have a few phone lines space is very limited we only do so many

he calls here in the madhouse uh well you know we only we're only allowed by kdk to let so many

calls in and that's a rule and that's all because of you know who out there whose name we don't

mention anymore i totally mean who's that one arab guy that one yeah that guy remember that guy

yeah yeah i like to call that guy that that rebel guy i bet you someone here has his phone number

that that rebel fuck i heard he sucked anyway he tried to do his own show and i heard it was

stupid all he did was prank call about people stealing his hubcaps all day he did 20 calls

in a row about that someone was telling me i was like really that that's all he did anyway let's

see if sidekick shuck uploaded that yet there it is okay so yeah the toll-free line is 1-888-278-8509

again you can reach us here toll-free anywhere in the 48 contiguous uh states that's 1-888-278-8509

Tommy Lasorta.

Isn't it Lasorta?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's misspelled.

Yeah, I think he is alive, actually.

Yeah.

We'll play that while we try to figure out what we're going to do here.

That'll be done in four seconds.

Three, two...

All right, well, thank you, Sidekick Chuck.

This is on, I guess, the Howard Stern show or something, right?

Some shit like that.

It's going to ruin the fucking...

Figured it out.

Now that I got a new job, I can...

We got to talk about this.

My tax return that I'm going to get?

Yeah.

I can either get a new computer or an engagement ring.

What do you think?

I'm not going to say shit.

You're not going to say shit.

This is one I'm not going to get involved in.

Yeah, I don't get involved in that.

Yeah, I don't know what I should do.

It's crazy.

I'm not going to get engaged, man.

I was thinking in my mind.

I was like, you know, technically I could do that.

I'm not you, but you know what I would do?

Get the computer?

Coke and whores.

Coke and whores, yeah.

I know that's the kind of guy you are.

Party that money away.

There's nothing wrong with that.

No, I don't do that.

All right, well, again, the toll-free line is 1-888-278-85.

0-9. Look at that. It's my mom.

Hello? No.

7-1-8. It's Sean Hummel.

Just call my name

and I'll be there.

I don't have that song.

What's up, Zola? How you doing?

What's the word, brother?

Come on, just here. We were just talking about you.

Speak of the devil, you called in.

Yeah, well, you know what? I happened to tune in that time

to hear you and you had this fucking

amazingly long intro and I said to myself,

I hope I'm not a bad fucking influence

on the rest of these hosts

with my fucking

eight-minute intros.

Uh-oh.

We have problems.

No, no, no, no.

Anyway, I just...

I might lose Winamp here

all of a sudden.

It might crash.

Well, you can close it

and reopen it.

Yeah, yeah,

but we lose the show.

You know, I could probably

keep playing the show

with that just in the background

right there.

We'll just do that anyway.

Anyway, technical difficulties,

but what was I talking about?

So what are you going to do?

Are you going to restart the show?

I might have to.

I might lose the fucking feed

here real quick

for a little bit

until I restart Winamp.

Anyway, yeah,

Yeah, so real quick before we do that, what is it that you do exactly?

You're a janitor, right?

Correct.

We like to call ourselves custodial engineers.

Custodial engineer.

Custodial staff, right?

Well, actually, I'm what they call the fireman in the building.

Fireman.

Okay.

Do you have, like, a pension coming up at some point?

Oh, totally.

Okay.

I was just curious how that works out there.

Like, up in New York, they take care of people like that.

You know, right?

Don't they?

Like, aren't they more apt up there?

Government jobs are kind of...

Yeah, New York's nearly communist at this point.

Yeah, that's right.

Canadians.

Socialists, for sure.

Socialists.

Yeah, well, certain parts of the U.S., like, for instance, Florida, is a non-union state.

Yeah, that's how it should be, too, man.

They'll fire you right away if you try to make it.

Teddy Roosevelt was a great man.

Right, well, that's the reason why I don't work as hard as I should, because I have a union background.

Yeah, he doesn't have to.

Oh, so you are?

That was my next question, if you're in a union or not.

So you're in a union?

Right, I'm in a union, and I'm a slacker because of it.

Yeah, a union is a right to slack ass.

That's awesome.

I've got to get in a union.

That's right.

My boss can't fire me if he wants to.

Wow.

Or even still, they have to, like, give you a job anyway.

Like, you know, other places, they give you a job before they would give someone else a job.

Oh, totally, dude.

They'd have to, you know, say, for instance, they said, you know what?

You're an alcoholic, and we want you off this job because it's just unsafe to say, for instance,

the children I work in a public school.

All right.

And I say to them, oh, yeah?

I'm calling my union, and the union says, well, you know what?

We'll put you in rehab, and then we'll rehabilitate you

and put you back on the job,

and you won't lose any of your seniority or your pension.

Yeah, and you'll probably get paid the whole time too, right?

Right.

See, that's the racket right there, man.

We've got to get out of Florida.

But we don't have a state tax here.

That's the only thing we get out of here.

Yeah, we don't have a state tax.

And then to top it off, I get put back on the job,

and I remain an alcoholic,

and it takes months and months of them to build up a case saying that I'm still an alcoholic,

say six months down the line, and then they put me back in rehabilitation.

I don't know.

There's something about this that's not right, though, man.

Sounds great.

And then they put me back on the job after rehabilitation.

Then I could fuck up one more time and go back to rehabilitation.

After the third time of fucking up, then they could fire you.

Oh.

Oh, so you get three strikes.

Okay.

I didn't know that.

How many strikes are you going to do, though, Lark?

I'm sorry?

How many times have you gone already, Andy?

Well, me personally, I've never been brought on charges of any abuse of substances or alcohol or anything.

Yeah, well, that's good.

Yeah, I have a clean record, you know, other than having other, like, tits with the bosses.

I've told bosses that I'm going to take them outside and punch their teeth down their throat.

But you never did.

I never actually punched any of their teeth down their throat, no.

You are the good guy.

But, you know, I told the guy that, you know, if he doesn't stop fucking bossing me around like fucking Hitler,

I'm going to take him outside and smack his teeth down his throat.

And he brought me up on charges of assault, and he wanted me out of the building.

And, of course, he tried to get a restraining order against me and all types of things like that.

When was this?

When?

Like in the last ten years.

I've been working for this system for a long time.

Wow, that's interesting, dude.

What was I going to ask you?

Didn't you pull a knife on some Arab guy in New York or something like that?

That was only about a month ago.

Okay.

He touched his bagel

Like he was like

This Arab dude

In fucking New York

This nasty ass

Looking Arab dude

He had a beard too

I bet he did

Didn't he

Like that nasty ass

Pubic hair beard

Those Arabs got

Was he like that

Yes he did

He had one of those

And so what

He was

I'd like to touch your bagel

He was touching bagels

With his hands man

And he put it back

Get the fucking story

Get the fucking story straight

It was a muffin

Okay alright

I'm going to finger your muffin

You bad man

I molested your muffin

He did you man

Come here, you rude man, and give me your muffin.

No, man, listen, I thought he sprinkled some anthrax on it.

Take this anthrax guy.

I will put some anthrax on your blueberry muffin and make you very, very sick, you scumbag American.

It's very fluke.

Did he work at the muffin place? Like, he was your muffin handler?

No, he was another customer, and the case was there where you could pick up a piece of wax paper.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, I understand what you're talking about.

And use it to pick up your muffin, but instead, he picked it up with his bare hands, put it up to his scuzzy fucking nose, and sniffed it.

And then he put it back.

Oh, hey, hey, I'm gonna get back on the air with Tabitha Stevens, the porn star. She's calling me right now.

Okay, great.

Hold on, hold on.

Tabitha Stevens?

Alright.

Weren't we just talking about her?

I don't think so.

Was she in Playboy right now?

What'd you say about Tabitha Stevens?

I didn't say anything about Tabitha.

Someone told me something about Tabitha Stevens.

She looks strange, though.

She does. I don't even know much about porno chicks. Tabitha Stevens. Who is that bitch?

I should do an IMDb on her real quick. She's the one who's had a lot of surgery and shit.

Oh, really? Fuck that hoe, though.

I don't even think she does porn anymore.

She doesn't want to talk to me. She doesn't want to do porn with me.

She's trying to legitimize herself like Jenna Jameson.

Yeah, something like that. I found her official site.

I don't know what the fuck she does. Anyway.

So we'll wait on that. She's gonna be real mean to her.

Yeah. He's gonna forgive me.

Talk to her in the Eddie voice. Be really rude.

Yo, what the fuck? What the fuck is that? Yo, why you fuck so much?

Joel, why is you a hoe?

Why is you such a hoe?

Well, most of them are just busy trying to find us this guy, Hummel.

Let's see if he comes in anyway.

Do you ever get to talk to him?

Say you're not becoming a wrestler and you want to get an interview or something like that.

Exactly.

No, tell him I'm with WWE Magazine or something like that.

I don't know.

He's probably going to fall for it, though.

He thinks he's a smart guy.

Pimpslut says he wants to call in and do a prank call.

Oh, well, great.

We get Zolar up to the line.

Do you think we'll ever hear Zolar?

I'm here paying for this call this whole time.

Zolar's so rude.

He's probably trying to talk her into it, but she doesn't want to.

Yeah, probably not.

I don't want to talk to him.

He's a Puerto Rican.

You know what you've been missing, too, man?

I'd like to put...

No, you know what you've been missing?

Yeah.

There's this chick named Nikki who was in, like, this magazine, this bar magazine or something like that.

And I called her saying I was from...

Did I tell you what?

I said I was from MTV Networks.

And I said I was trying to cast her for Real World

And I got her to admit that she would renounce

I think she's Jewish

And I got her to say that she'd renounce it

Then I think I said

I asked her if she was willing to

Play the part of an ex-lesbian

Because I said the Real World hadn't been real

Since the second season

And she was like oh my god

I think at one point she was like I can't do that

Anyway she called back

Last week

On Friday afternoon I was just doing my show

and she called back i thought it was a caller he's like hi this is nikki i'm looking for cross

and i talked to her again i got her to sing the national anthem on the phone

as an audition eat this muffin eat it eat it then you can be on real world i have her cell phone

here too i'm trying to remember when she called me damn it i got her cell phone number for real

i'm trying to see if i can find it damn it i wouldn't remember which one it is

It was Friday.

What date was...

What was the date Friday?

I don't know.

I remember her calling.

I was like,

is that...

Who the fuck is this?

That would have been

the 17th.

I could try to find it.

Should we hang up on Zolar?

I mean,

is there any chance

that we're going to get

I don't know.

About the Tabitha Stevens?

It'd be your biggest

celebrity ever, right?

It would be, yeah.

It's your only celebrity ever.

Yeah, yeah.

So...

If we get Hobo on the phone,

it'll be the second

last thing he's heard.

Oh, no, I guess

Zolar's more famous

than Sean Hobo, so...

No, it'd be the second.

I don't get him splat- awww

He can hear us anyway

Yeah, I know

All sorts of shit

I know, I was gonna get pissed

Anyway

I bet that hair guy fucked him up

I was going to throw shit at you

Juggler

Put your nose in the-

Everybody hang on because I'm gonna try to fix the problem with Winamp

Because I can't even play anything now without-

Oh yeah I can, we can't play shit

Anyway, let's keep doing the show then, fuck that

Yeah, let's keep doing the show

Yeah, anyway, we'll see- we'll give Zolar a few more minutes

I'm so fucking- whatever, I got no life

Let me play this real quick while we try to get Zolar here in the line again

Calls (4, 8 min of 1 h 1 min)

Transcript

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