2006-02-23 Show (part 2)

56

You gotta love it

This woman chillin' twist the lock

Catch stunts in my 745

You drive me crazy shorty

I need to see you and feel you next to me

I provide everything you need

And I like your smile

I don't wanna see you cry

Got some questions that I gotta ask

And I hope you can come up with the answers baby

Girl, it's easy to love me now

Would you love me if I was down and out?

Would you still have love for me?

Yeah, we were too.

We have tons and tons of listeners.

Don't tell our 72 listeners who all know how to get porn for free probably.

Because even I can do it, so I can imagine they know how.

Yeah, yeah, damn it.

Who pays for porn?

They always say all this money in porn, but I don't know who pays for it.

Yeah, it's a big free, it's just a few stupid people that make the money for whoever, I don't know.

I think they make that shit up just to demoralize us.

You think so?

Yep.

You think the porn industry is like a fucking thing?

Is that what you're trying to say?

No, here's Zolard.

Let's see who this is.

Your call has been answered by an automated voicemail system. Please let your message...

Now, Pimp, don't hang up.

Yeah, what are you going to hang up for?

What's the matter?

Oh, never mind.

I was just yelling because it sounds weird.

Very technical difficulties.

So, were you saying you wanted to do a prank?

Is that what's going on?

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah, we haven't done, like, shit for pranks here.

Yeah, let Pimp slot do one.

We got Zola on here.

He gives his promise of talking to some porn star.

We never get to talk to her.

We should, I mean, Zola's probably hit that, right?

I'm sure he has.

We should ask him the name of all the famous, semi-famous, you know.

Yeah, I was going to put him on the spot, but then he...

Yeah, we'll ask him that.

You know, he lied. That wasn't taboo at the scene. He was like, I gotta get out of here.

Anyway, uh, yeah, we got, um, let's see here, let's see here.

We got Lynn Spears, who's a relative of Britney Spears.

You try that.

You serious?

Yeah, that's what I got here. Confirmed. This is confirmed right here.

We got, uh, some place called a fairytale kingdom in Hawaii also they can do.

Uh, okay, I don't know if it's a cousin or a sister or not a sister.

It could even be a guy. The name Lynn is sexual.

Anyway, well, let's see what we can do then.

Okay, well, here comes Pimp Slot.

But, I guess we're going to try for the first prank call of the night.

Hang on, folks.

Oh, I fucked it up.

Please check the number and dial again.

Dial the wrong.

Message for a minute, 29 seconds.

This is Reverend Little John,

and I was wondering if you'd like to reach your hand out to Jesus,

a man named God, a man named Moses.

I said, I already know the Lord.

Would you like to reach your hand out to Reverend Little John

and just say, yeah, you know?

I said, I already know the Lord.

Oh, my God.

Well, if you don't want to let me tell you, then you should just burn in hell.

My God, go kill yourself, bitch.

You do the same.

No, you do it more.

Hang on.

Try to call it back in a second.

We'll pop right back at us.

Any second now.

So, Pimp Slut, how's your week been?

Pimp Slut, I said.

Please enter your destination number now.

Shut up.

Hang on.

This will allow you to talk for 3 hours, 44 minutes, 29 seconds.

How you doing, man?

Hey, sir, how are you?

Good. You sound like good, you know? Like it is over there. Good. How much does it cost?

How much it cost, man?

Yeah, how much it cost, man?

Cost for what?

For your woman.

Well, you need to stop calling this house.

I'll be honest with you, I like your woman.

Well, you don't know. There ain't no woman who lives here.

I heard she do some good jobs, man.

Did you notice she's missing some underwear?

Oh, she's missing some underwear, huh?

Yeah, she is.

That's in my car, homie.

Yeah.

Huh? What'd you say?

It's in my car. I'm sitting in my car. I have it on my face.

I stole your burrow.

Dammit.

Messed it up.

You-

It sounds like we got disconnected.

Grrr.

Aw, man.

Aw.

Hey.

Dang it, man.

We're- we're getting-

He was getting all riled up.

Alright.

Well, that was kinda cool.

Please enter your destination number now.

Do I dare- do I- do I dare try it again?

I think I do.

This balance will allow you to talk for...

3 hours, 35 minutes, 29 seconds.

This is the legal limit here.

You got your burrow.

I'll even bring in your crops.

Yes, sir!

This is the Reverend. How are you doing?

Yeah, I'm on Reverend Yotel.

If you don't quit calling here, I got your number,

and I'm going to call the cops where you're at for harassing us.

What this number?

Stop calling here. Do not call no more.

What this number? What this number?

That's a good drop right there.

That was good.

Stop calling here.

They may not.

Don't you call here no more.

Yeah, that's great.

I'll call the local police when you're at it.

I'll call the sheriff.

They call a sheriff the stupid renex.

Needy, needy, needy.

Yeah.

Count my number.

Yeah.

Anyway, well, that was pretty good, Pimpslup.

Thanks for joining in on that.

That was interesting.

What the fuck?

Dude, another number, man.

Come on, just one more.

Oh, whatever.

Hang on.

Let's see what I got.

Whatever.

We got Pumpkin Pete's One Stop Hot Stuff Pizza.

Wow.

That's, uh, that's us.

Yeah, right there.

Or this is Pumpkin Pete's.

Yeah, I want that pizza right there.

I want a little bit of pumpkin.

Hot Stuff Pizza.

Sounds like they shit in it or something like that.

We should in every big vat of pizza sauce. That's nasty.

That's what I do. I work at a shop. I know that.

I don't think very many pips work at pizza shops.

Pips what?

He's a pimp, but he's also a snob.

I don't work at a pizza shop. Actually, I walked out on my job.

I used to work at Popeyes. You actually did a phone call there.

That's right. Yeah, we talked to that manager and he said he wasn't black and he is black, right?

You know something like that?

Yeah, that was funny. I was bagging on him so bad he went out.

Yeah, he's black and I asked if he was black and he was like, no, I'm not black.

I don't know. I'm Puerto Rican all the time when I get pulled over.

Like, no, sir, I'm Italian.

I'm Italian. I'm white. No, sir.

Yeah, I was down on my job.

Did you ever eat any chicken? Like, off?

Yeah, I took shit out. Jack, like, six cheesecakes and I bounced.

Did you ever, like, eat the skins, like, off the chicken before you served it?

Just, like, eat the skins off it and put it in the basket?

I was hooking a whole bunch of people.

People I didn't even know.

I was giving them, like, ten extra pieces of chicken.

Because I knew I walked out that day.

I wish I knew you were nearby so I could eat free chicken.

Yeah, that's right.

Not anymore.

But what you said, Carlito, is better.

You see, yeah, I argue with him about this.

His manager, he's like, no, that sucks.

Publix is like, fuck you, man.

Publix is the best in Florida.

He's right.

Yeah.

All you people out there are missing out.

I had Publix fried chicken today, as a matter of fact.

Once a week.

I had to limit myself to once a week.

Carlito, where you at in Florida?

Orlando?

Yeah, Orlando.

Yeah, man.

Orlando.

You're in Tampa, is it?

Or you're in St. Pete, or what is it?

No, I just moved to so north.

That's old people, man.

How about Spring Hill?

Spring Hill?

Where is Spring Hill?

I live in a new neighborhood.

I see.

You got about five years left.

I think it's a Spring Hill neighborhood.

It should say Spring Hill, soon to be Puerto Rican.

Puerto Rican majority.

Any second now, yeah.

They're all over the place, those Puerto Ricans.

Oh, Mike, I moved here.

I must be safe.

Exactly.

My brother-in-law picked up a couple mix in his computer factory or whatever.

legally and he paid them like five bucks five bucks and I can't say anything to

get deported yeah well good well that's gangster right there well you have

bragging rights pimp slut I guess yeah yeah all right well good for you any

shoutouts do you have any any women out there who might be listening tonight so

thanks power I may have lost the internet again stayed on I have battery

backup the show can technically run if the lights were to go out we'd be in the

dark and we'd only have one monitor yeah that's has a battery backup it's

It's the same, it runs from here all the way over there.

Cool, anyway.

All right, man, we're going to let you go.

Thank you for calling.

All right, have yourself a good night.

No, bud, sorry, I don't.

I don't have it set up because of our technical shit.

So did we ever hear from Miltman again?

He said he was going to sleep, but then he went in the chat room.

I don't get that guy sometimes.

I'm going to go in the chat room and talk shit.

All right, let me hear this.

I'm sure Harry Carly, yo.

I'm the one in here.

I hate you.

Hey, I never heard that before.

What's that?

Moms Over Baghdad?

Yeah, I've never heard of that.

We'll play that in the next break.

Who's this?

I ain't got a place to sit.

Rice with a New Yorker who says that shit, me jumping up and down.

All right, listen, you've heard before, yeah.

I'm the happiest son of a bitch in the world.

That son of a bitch who writes under that daily news, that fucking guy they call the fucking nose,

who says that shit, me jumping up and down, is horse shit.

You want to let him feel like I have.

Who the fuck is that cocksucker anyway?

Some fucking guy to Rice with a New York daily news called the fucking nose.

He said sort of jumping up and down. That's the fucking way

I feel what my team wins and if I fucking want to jump up and down what my fucking team wins

And if I want to hug my fucking players what they fucking do good. I'm gonna do it. I don't give a shit

The best thing is that the reporters

motherfuckers how the fuck did you get by with that fucking shit look at that fucking paper

fucking paper i don't give a fuck dj how do you spell

what in that motherfucking paper you work for what the fuck is the name of that paper dj

tell me what was your opinion of

get the fuck out of here joe no i'm serious i i'm serious i'm serious too get the fuck out of

here i don't want to fucking talk to you so uh sal richard took uh that time he was short a clip

called tj's tires you got to remember that tj's tires there's tj around uh no sir he isn't my

grandfather bought some tires from your company bobby lasorda bobby that's right the son of a

bitch has popped up if you think i'm lying here i want to put my wife on the phone i don't think

you lying to me hello hello uh to whom am i speaking with please dolores lasorda okay we

signed a paper guaranteeing your tires do you remember the paper uh no sir i did not did you

just call me sir if i did i'm sorry let me put grandpa on because he just wants he needs to

understand what kind of warranty he signed i do not know anything about a warranty here you go

grandpa talk to the man hello motherfucker sir you are talking to the wrong man i've spoken

I've spoken with three individuals. You need to give me a number and we'll let the man who...

Get out of here, Joe.

Man, you know who you're talking to?

Every fucking word I said, put it in the motherfucking paper. I don't give a fuck, T.J.

I don't deal with the paper, sir.

Put that in your fucking paper, T.J.

Get up with T.J.

Who the fuck is that cocksucker anyway?

He owns this fucking place. I told you I have nothing to do with it.

I don't give a shit.

I don't give a shit either, Joe.

Get the fuck out of here. I don't want to fucking talk to you.

I don't want to talk to you either, you fucking piece of shit, punk suckers, that don't deserve this shit, fuck them, I tell you what, you ever come down here, I'll beat your ass out, my son of a bitch, right?

Hey, it's Zolar, fucker.

Hey, put Zolar on the phone.

Your milk mouth voice sounds better when you're sick.

Hey, how you doing, Zolar, welcome back.

Hey, Zolar.

It sounds much better when you're sick.

I'm alright, I just killed a goat.

I'm wearing his blood.

God damn it, I told you to stop sticking your pecker in so deeply.

I can't help it.

It's only Bill Clinton.

You just sound like a sick Bill Clinton.

All right.

What's up, Zolar?

What happened to Tabitha Stevens?

What happened?

Well, dude, as you know, I have major connections with lots of porn stars in the adult industry,

and Tabitha Stevens happens to be one of my friends.

Yeah.

And she was letting me know that she's coming in Tuesday,

and she wants me to go and meet her in Scores,

which is the top club choice of strippers for Howard Stern's show.

How many porn stars have you fucked, Zolar?

Yeah.

You know what?

In all honesty, I have to say none.

Wow, really?

Yeah, you're not allowed to fuck the porn stars.

That's kind of upsetting.

Yeah.

What?

That's kind of upsetting.

You know what?

You're not allowed to fuck the porn stars

because if you don't have your current aid test and paperwork,

you are unable to bang the porn stars.

Why don't you get that?

Well, you have to be in the industry, and, you know, there's, like, fucking 15 doctors

within whatever states there are available to shoot these porns.

You know, it's a whole fucking union.

You know the porn industry is the biggest industry of money-making in the United States?

I know, I didn't know that.

That guy can't possibly be true.

You want that money on it?

How does that make more money than, like, um...

Nothing.

Nothing makes more money than porn.

Churches make more money.

I don't even see who pays for it.

Like, I never pay for porn.

I've never paid for porn.

My life, never.

I'm not going to give my money to those whores.

I have to honestly say that I never purchased any porn

either than maybe a DVD once or twice in my entire life.

Are they super expensive, too?

For like $100?

No, I'd find an occasional Playboy magazine,

and that would last me months.

I guess I do play for porn.

I have a subscription.

Well, my dad pays for porn.

Yeah, I don't consider it Playboy.

All right, so anyway, I'm putting it out

to any of Carlito's listeners as a prize

Guys, for listening to Carlito, first person that's in the New York City proximity for Tuesday night is my guest.

Whoever emails me first, letting me know your phone number where I can make contact with you and have you checked out personally.

If you'd like to come out to Scores to have Tabitha Stevens' birthday party at the famous, infamous Scores, you are my guest Tuesday night.

Then Zolar's going to give you a roofie and strangle you in his basement.

On air.

On a Friday night.

I'm going to strangle this guy on air.

Zolar will asphyxiate his neck.

Well, you know who it is.

Probably the guy that no one wants to talk about.

That's going to be the first person to get in touch with you.

Is he eligible?

Who would that be?

The guy that Carlos won't talk about.

Prank Master?

Fuck that.

Is Prank Master eligible?

He's like, hey, baby.

I want to go to school.

I want to go to school, man.

I want to go to school.

Prank Master is ineligible.

Had he been an upstanding individual and not fingered a nine-year-old girl,

I would have made him the one to go.

He would have been going to this party.

I think he's probably going to the McDonald's playground anyway.

He's already got a play date set.

Zolar, a quick question.

A quick question, Zolar.

When you go to scores, how much will you go through in a night?

In an average night, how much does Zolar go through in a strip club?

It may be scores or another one.

You mean condoms?

No, not condoms.

As in money.

He wears condoms under his sweatpants.

How much money will you drop on a Zolar night?

When you just go out, whatever, to scores or some strip club,

or are you just with the boys?

Are you out to spend over $100 on one night?

More than that?

Less than that?

Guaranteed.

Wow.

That's something.

I mean, I would never do that.

That would break my bank if I ever tried it.

It would go to hell.

You're kidding me.

Hey, do you want to know something?

I just came back this evening from being in Manhattan

at a five-star hotel called the Mandarin Oriental.

Look it up on the Internet, everybody.

Check out the most expensive suite in the place.

It's $2,700 a night I stayed in that suite.

Wow.

So did you pay for it?

Yeah, who paid for it?

Oh, my sugar mama.

You see, Zola's got this thing.

Zola, you got kids, right?

You have a daughter or something like that?

I have three children.

You have three children.

Okay.

All right.

Now, so you're up, you're, are you hooking up with some rich lady or you're in a relationship

with a rich lady or what's going on?

Janarito.

Yeah, it's Janarito.

Come here, it's a liar.

What's the story?

Are we allowed to know the liar's name?

It's not my fault.

Yeah, no, it's not.

I'm in a relationship with a very rich individual.

Yes, I am.

She is quite a rich individual.

Shaquille O'Neal.

Okay, so she's wealthy.

She's got, okay, so you'd say obviously more than a million dollars, we'd say.

I mean, the rumors are flying.

Over ten million.

Wow.

That's good.

You must be peeling it back pretty well, or you're hitting it pretty raw, aren't you, or something.

You're doing something right, whatever you got.

Yeah, I'm quite the cunning linguist.

That's how you do it.

And you don't do that, right?

Not really.

I'm not a big fan of it either, myself.

Anyway, so, okay.

So, yeah, because the rumors fly that you can't get married to her

because you got some divorce and other people say that it's not even true.

I'm waiting for my divorce papers to come through.

So that is true.

There is actually a balance to that right now.

So when you get married, you got to spread the wealth around, right?

Yeah, man.

Totally, totally.

I'm going to throw a big party.

I'm going to throw a big party for my closest people that I know.

And we're all going to meet somewhere, like, you know, in a tropical area and have a gigantic party.

Okay.

Come down to Florida, man.

Yeah.

Florida sucks.

Go down to Miami, man.

Let's go to Cuba.

Cute hell.

Yeah.

Peace to you live in Cuba.

Let's go to Cuba.

They'll let us kill people there.

Let's go to Cuba and hug Pez and Zolar.

Yeah.

We'll go to Thailand and get some 13-year-olds.

Oh, come on.

I'll be eating like in Florida to take the cruise.

Zolar, you know, you could afford a trip to Thailand

and hook up with some 13-year-old girls if you wanted to.

Yeah, but I'm not into that.

Frank Master would be so jealous of you.

Just to make him jealous.

Come back and say, hey, Frank, was it good?

Smell my fingers.

Yeah, man.

You're too good.

I don't think Frank Master would like that

because they're not young enough for him.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

Yeah, you got a point.

It's a little too young.

He likes them hairless.

Yeah.

So, man, you've got to convince the dead to come out to that.

I think it would be awesome if you got them to go to Scores,

or somebody like that.

You've got to think of whoever the, let's not be rude and call it the douchiest,

but whoever you think would be funniest in that situation out of the PCU people,

try to see if you can get them to get out there or something like that.

I'll throw $5 into a fund or something like that.

I guess I want enough gas money to get there or something like that.

Yeah, maybe if you throw in enough money, you can pay your pay.

Didn't I offer to send you some money while you were out without a job?

Yeah, but I told you not to.

Yeah, I know.

I told you not to.

I'm like, no, don't do that.

I didn't even take you seriously, though.

I didn't think you were being serious.

I was like, yeah, whatever, man.

Yeah, he puts you aside to check that he gets your soul after you die.

Exactly.

That's what it is.

It's so hard, actually.

It's so hard.

Quote, see.

I told you.

Let's be called him out.

He can't deny it.

Yeah.

All right, man.

Well, that's cool.

It was great getting to talk to you on this level.

But Tabitha didn't want to come on?

Any other questions?

But I'd like to say, man,

the Bandurin Oriental has fucking phenomenal service.

The room was fucking overlooking Central Park and shit, man.

It was awesome.

I took pictures.

Once I translate them onto the computer, maybe I'll post a few of them and whatnot.

How was the food compared to, like, say, Denny's?

Hey, check this out, dude.

I had breakfast, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

Guess how much the breakfast was for two.

$500.

No, no.

I mean, more realistically.

$420.

Yeah.

$420?

No, it was $200.

Whoa.

That's crazy.

Was it just, like, eggs?

And all I had was, this is everything, there was a large coffee which came in this beautiful sterling silver or whatever the fuck it was, who knows.

Did you get the cube?

I mean, it was a beautiful presentation, but there was an egg omelette, bacon on the side, and there was English muffins, there was fruit, and a steak, of course, you know, it was steak and egg.

A steak for breakfast, what's wrong with you?

God damn fucking, you hear that shit?

Yeah.

I gotta deal with you.

And the orange juice with the champagne in it.

Nice.

A mimosa?

Yeah.

How much did your sugar mama tip on that?

Oh, no, no.

You charge everything to the room.

Listen, listen.

I've actually never been in a hotel better than the Motel 6.

Most of the time, I would sleep in my car if I was traveling.

Seriously?

Yeah, I'm not a hotel person.

That's a waste of money.

That's a nasty supercar, man.

I bring my machete with me, and I hide it under me.

Listen, Carlito.

Yeah, go ahead.

Shut this douchebag up, man.

I'm sorry.

Go ahead, man.

What's up?

But no, I don't want to let you get back to your show, so I want to say, guess how much the total bill was at the end?

Uh, $240.

No, he's talking about the whole thing.

Oh, the whole thing?

$4,000.

Close, but guess again.

$3,500.

$3,289.

You're going in the wrong direction.

Oh, okay, $4,000.

I'm sorry, it was two days.

$15,000.

I told you how much the room was, right?

$500, though.

Breakfast was $500, you said, right?

Yeah.

No, he didn't say $5.

He said $2.

The room was $420, right?

The massage was...

No, the room wasn't $420.

I told you, the room is fucking $2,600 a night.

$2,600.

$2,600 times three...

Times four.

Four.

Oh.

Three.

How many days was you there?

Two.

Two days.

That's $6,000.

$5,200.

Did you eat, like, every day?

You eat all your meals for them?

Yeah, yeah.

No, not on them.

You have to pay for everything.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

You ate all your meals there.

So I bet you it was $30,000.

No, no, it was fucking $8,000.

Jesus Christ, that's more money than I make in a year, I think.

Check it out, listen, we did massages and facials and sat in the spa and had to bring breakfast.

Did you guys both get your back shaved?

Yeah, yeah, I had my back waxed.

No, you didn't.

Did you really?

Well, no, I didn't, but she did.

She had like a whole Brazilian wax done.

but i had a manicure a pedicure a facial yeah all right is this person is or is this person

rapping granny she's 46. all right how old are you though i don't mind just asking i'm 39. okay

all right look at you she's a jaguar cougar or a jaguar i don't know what the exact cougar

yeah nice is she is she a wasp or is she italian she's a white girl or what's going on

Yeah, she's Italian, and the money comes from some fucking guinea background somewhere.

Her husband is very pissed off.

You might get whacked.

Not me, man. What am I doing?

I don't know.

You guys pissed off.

Yeah, you don't want to go there, man. I'm worried about you now.

No, no, no. The ex-husband came and had a talk with me.

Did he slap you around or anything?

No, no, no. He didn't have to do that.

He had to do it.

He doesn't fucking touch you. They just look at you.

Oh, okay.

Someone beat up some cop in a parking lot, he said, didn't you?

Didn't you do that shit?

Didn't you beat up some cop in a parking lot at a Howard Sturdivant or something?

No, I was at a bar out in Long Island, and he wasn't just a cop.

He was like one of those fucking state troopers with the leather jacket and the boots all the way up to their thighs.

He was dressed in that?

No, no, but he was one of the big strapping fucking Aryan Nation type guys.

Oh, damn, when he kicked his ass.

Yeah, they're usually the biggest punks.

Wow.

Yeah, they got the biggest chip on their shoulders, that's for sure.

Did you flee the scene after you were done defeating him?

Did you run away?

No, actually, I picked him up from the floor where he was bleeding,

and I kissed him on the forehead and asked him to come have a drink, but he said no.

Oh, wow, so he didn't call the police on you or anything?

I'd be worried all his buddies would show up and stomp you on your way home or something.

No, I'm sure he was just calling himself an ambulance at that point.

So I heard that he hired that Muslim guy to kill you in that deli,

and you were able to stomp him.

You want me to touch his muffin and give him the diseases that would kill him?

Give my family $5,000. I blew myself up.

I was going to put a suicide bomb in your muffin.

You're going to be on my nose.

He was sprinkling anthrax on my beard.

I take this anthrax from behind my ear and I'm putting it on your muffin, you fat, fat man.

It's either an Aryan cop or it's your woman's ex-husband or whatever.

Yeah, well, you know, any time I've ever been arrested in life, it's always been for assault.

Well, good.

Yeah, I mean, like, you know, people, you shouldn't really be ashamed of assaults,

because usually you had a good reason for it, right?

Yeah.

I'm sure you did.

Yeah, exactly.

I mean, you know, I haven't been convicted, just arrested for it many a time in the past.

Or you're like a Jedi, like, you only fight for good.

Well, no, I only fight if somebody talks with me.

You're like a Fraggle.

Fraggle.

Yeah, yeah, right.

I'm Fraggle.

I'm like Wembley.

Alright then

We've talked long enough

People get pissed

You know

He's like

We need pranks

You know how it is

Well then do a fucking

Prank phone call with me

That's right

Help you out

You ain't got a milkman

I come here to help you

Oh we don't have a milkman

That's right

Yeah you are a prank caller

Hang on

I got a ton of shit

People keep sending in stuff

Man

What do we got here

We got scores

You can't call scores

No you can't

Sure I can

Alright

Scores east side

I'll give them a call

Alright

Man why don't you call

One of those towers

You never call anything by the exclusive.

You were talking to Eric the Midget and stuff all the time.

You never call anybody like that.

What do you want me to do?

I don't know.

I wouldn't know.

See, I wouldn't know.

You have to give me a week and call somebody.

I don't even know.

Who do you got on your phone book there?

Anybody interesting?

You got Tabitha Stevens, apparently.

Geez.

Anyway.

First of all, I have to go on the air,

and right now she's in contract with a company,

and she can't do that until, you know,

she's released from the contract on Tuesday.

Dude, come on.

It's fucking PC.

You get so funny.

I don't want to go.

Yeah, but that's a breach of contract, and then they won't have to pay her for all the work she already did.

Oh, fuck that.

Yeah, we don't want to fuck her up.

Yeah, all right.

Right.

All right, well, okay, now what's better?

Scores east side or west side?

Is there a difference?

I know they're two different places.

I know that much, but...

Yeah, one's new and one's the original.

All right, well, which one are we calling?

Which one?

Which one you want.

Call whichever one you want.

All right, scores east side, then.

Do that.

Boom, boom, boom.

All right, hang on, Zohar, and hang on, everybody else.

We'll be right back with another prank call.

Just one more.

The east side, the east side one.

The calling scores, this is Arellis speaking.

Hi, Isabella?

Excuse me?

Is this Isabella?

No, I'm sorry.

What did you say your name was?

Arellis.

Oh, Arellis?

Yes.

Who's managing tonight?

May I ask who's calling?

Yeah, it's Jonathan Myers.

I was in there last night with my son.

We dropped about 4,000.

Okay, and you would like to speak to a manager?

Yeah, who's managing is what I'm asking you.

There's Noel and Felix, Zona.

Right, what happened? I was there last time with my son last night, and I didn't see Big Joe, Big John, or whatever the hell his name was, the big guy.

Give me one second, please.

...large television screens and monitors, and of course, you're also surrounded by our very own Scores Dream Team.

For more information on our sporting events...

How much does it cost to get a beer there, this place? What'd you say?

Oh, like about $13.

What?

Yeah, how you doing?

Yeah, Big John doesn't work here anymore.

All right, listen, there's not a problem.

Last time I had a problem there, I spoke to him,

but I wanted to know who was managing

because one of the girls last night

spilled a drink on my penny loafers, you know,

and these are my favorite shoes,

and, you know, she didn't say sorry.

I spent all that money,

and the girl looks at me like I'm a dope

when I tell her she spilled something on my shoes

like I should expect it from the club.

Okay, well, I'm sorry.

I mean, is this a gentleman's establishment,

or are we running the bar, you know,

some kind of board...

Honey.

There, I'll find you a rude bitch.

I'd be there anymore, but she didn't hang up. What happened?

I don't know.

Fuck, man. Now they hung up.

Enter your destination number now.

You know what? I think that she heard, what's his name, laughing in the background.

Andy.

No, I wasn't laughing, though.

I don't know.

Well, if she can hear, I mean, if I can hear Andy, can she hear Andy?

Yeah, yeah.

Andy, loud and clear, laughing.

Yeah, that happens.

He goes, I won't laugh anymore.

I won't laugh, so you're still there.

Sure.

Very stern, I am.

this up with some, you know, oral sex

from my son, and I was gonna let you talk to him.

Yeah, but the damn bitch didn't call.

Yo! What are you saying? No, we're

just, we're, we're, we're, yeah, no, my, my

new voice, my Eddie voice, Eddie, have you heard it yet?

Do you know what that is? Have you heard the prank calls I did

with the Puerto Rican guy? The dumb Puerto Rican

guy? No. Yeah. Zolar doesn't

pay attention to me. Anyway, um...

I am paying, I'm saying yes to you, I'm letting

you finish your sentence, you fucking moron.

I'm listening, I know. Just messing

with you. Zolar, I'm gonna let you go,

I'm gonna have to

Probably take a break here

In a second

But I thank you very much

For calling

That's it

Fuck you

I'll never call

Your fucking stupid show again

You're fucking finished

You're calling back

You know

I quit PCU

Because of you now

What the

This guy's gonna quit

I'm not coming back

To the chat rooms

Ever again

I'm not going on the forums

And I hate PCU

Even if you

Sit on my seat

I'm not coming back

Wow

You notice he's gone now

By the way

Prankmasters like

Disappear

Thank god

I think it's finally over

Oh yeah

I was just thinking

I was just thinking that earlier, that I didn't see him on the instant messenger lately.

Yeah, I think it finally happened. I for one am happy.

He hasn't been missing.

Actually, he messaged me before the show, so fuck it.

He's listening to me.

Oh really?

He probably is, yeah.

He messaged, he just says hi. I don't even ever answer him, that faggot.

I didn't see his little thingy thing off, unless I blocked it, and that's why it doesn't even come up.

Alright dude, so go take a piss, play a song, do what you gotta do.

And Andy, nice hearing you in the background there.

Man, you're always a fucking good added part of Carlito's madhouse.

Hey, thanks.

It's always good to hear from you, Zolar.

Yeah, peace out, brother.

All right, man.

Peace out.

Take care.

You're welcome to do a job if I don't speak to you before that.

Yes, sir.

I will let you know.

Bye right now.

All right.

Take care.

This is my brother.

He said take care.

Okay, good.

All right.

We shall take care of you as well.

Thank you, Zolar.

Normally, like I said before, normally applause now, but I didn't have it ready.

Down the hatch.

Should I do some calls before we go to break?

I'm thinking. Probably. So people don't get

pissed off. Saw Rosenberg

Frank Rizzo. Let's do this one

here. This one came in, wow

I like it. What is that? What's

2311?

1111. Okay, not that long ago.

This guy Sticky Icky

his friend Barbie

says it's, say it's Trevor

Levesque from Bathurst

and you want some of that, try to

sound slow. Okay.

Okay, I guess so.

And any song suggestions from what you see here in front?

You wanted to hear this show.

Yeah, I never heard that before.

Okay, hang on.

We'll be right back with the next call.

I was going to put this on the break.

No worries.

Barbie and Wade, you know the drill.

I don't like that name, Wade.

It sounds too much like wad.

It's too close to the word, at least.

You're a faggot.

Okay, sorry, Sticky Yuki.

Perhaps we'll try that later in the show.

I got a guy named Bob Sponge, I guess, by Walnuts.

Hell's Fury sent me what he wanted me to do.

He said, call Walmart, ask for the toy section, describe a fleshlight.

It might take a while to pick it up, but it'll be worth it.

That's fine.

Okay.

and Pam's still ready to talk to you

alright, yay, do some pro

gay pranks, says Acid, well good

apparently Acid's a homosexual, good for him

oh yeah, if you wanted to call in

um, no, we're not giving that out yet

we'll give the toll free line out later

but the homepage for the Madhouse

is madhouselive.com

um, Heartbreakers

Nightclub in Houston, Texas

phone in the girls dressing room

I wonder if that works, let's try that

hang on folks, let's try that

I said I feel good about this.

It's too early to call that number, possibly.

Here's a number from Lord Spoon for Joseph Weiger.

W-I-G-E-R, Weiger.

Answer it and yell, what the fuck do you want?

Well, hey, that's funny.

Let's try to call that, then.

Yes, ma'am, speak with Joe.

Joe's not here.

He's in Arizona.

May I take a message?

Who am I speaking with?

His wife.

Then who was it that just answered the phone and told me, what the fuck do I want?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't know what you're...

What number do you think you're calling?

I'm not going to give you my phone number.

Oh, no, what number did you take?

Your, my number.

Oh, you're out of your mind, lady.

You call my house, I'm going to give you my phone number.

Oh, I don't want your, okay, anyway, I guess you got the wrong number.

Are you, are you coming on to me, Miss Wigger?

Bye.

Bye, baby.

Okay, what else do we have?

We have a gas station called Lion's Pump and Hump.

A guy who answered, picked up and said hello about five times really fast before I could say hi.

That's strange.

Yeah.

I was in crack.

James Nutz, my old science teacher from one of my old high schools.

He is Mornin'.

Mornin'?

He's Mormon?

Mormon, yeah.

He's spelled Mormon.

Has gray hair for science.

Teaching, he puts on Bill Nye the Science Guy.

He's also an air-conditioned repairman and flies planes.

Wow.

He's also a spy.

He probably is a spy.

Fucking gay spy.

Whatever.

Okay, let me try to give him some shit about Bill Nye the Science Guy.

Whatever happened to that guy, huh?

It was a one-hit wonder.

Probably crack addict.

Yeah, I'm dead.

Always wearin' my jeans back and sackin'

No doors inside, can't get lackin'

Rollin' up and spammin' sound

I don't take sound

But this ain't like me

Nuts residence.

Yes, hi.

Uh, Nuts residence, eh?

Uh, let me see if I can speak with, uh, James or Jim Nuts, please.

May I see his calling?

Yeah, my name is Ralph,

and I'm representing Debovian Debovian Knight,

representing the estate of Mr. Bill Nye.

Um, okay, hold on for a second.

Thank you.

What's my last name?

Little John.

Yes, hi.

Is this Mr. James Nuts?

Yeah.

Okay.

Good evening, sir.

My name is Ralph Littlejohn, and I am an attorney with Debovian Knight,

and we are representing the estate of Mr. Bill Nye.

We'd like to ask you a few questions.

We have some reports here that came into our office anonymously to our tip line

regarding possible use of Mr. Bill Nye's materials that he had made before his untimely passing last month,

And you may have possibly been playing these without expressive written consent from Mr. Nye or Disney Entertainment. Is this correct, sir?

Is this a joke?

No, sir, this is not a joke and I can assure you that my name is Ralph Littlejohn and I'm representing the estate of Mr. Bill Nye.

Here's the answer to your question.

Yes.

I'm a school teacher, and we use his videos in our science class.

They're purchased by the school district, and I'm sure that we have all the rights to buy those.

I'm sure the district bought them through the proper...

Well, sir, apparently not.

We're actually showing here that there's no records that those were purchased by any legal means.

According to what we've seen here, they were actually bought on the black market in China sometime around 1995 around Mr. Nye's heyday.

I don't know if you were around then or if you know about that.

You sound rather young yourself, sir.

Bill Nye really died?

Yes, he did, unfortunately.

How did that happen?

Auto-asphyxiation.

Oh.

Yeah.

And that's kind of saying more than I should have because for the time being,

it was ruled an accidental shooting, but he actually did choke himself.

But regardless, sir, this phone call mostly is to inform you that you are,

Yeah, formally inform me that you are under investigation by the state of California, the city of Los Angeles, the Los Angeles Investigatory Committee, Actor Relations, Screen Actors Guild, and the state of Bill Nye.

Now, how would you like to plead?

Sir, I'm now forced to inform you you are under citizen's arrest.

Okay.

You go right ahead.

I need you to please extend your palms out

and give me a fingerprint sample, please.

You remember that teacher we had

that looked like Uncle Fester?

He used to play Rescue 911.

And he always called it...

He never called it Rescue.

He called it 911.

He'd go,

If you kids don't be quiet,

I'm going to roll a grenade over there.

He'd say,

If you keep doing...

I used to do an impression of the bell.

It sounded just like the bell.

you know

very talented

yeah so for my voice

change I think

or when it started

changing whatever

that was like

senior year

your voice didn't

change until senior year

yeah I don't think

no this is my

freshman year

at Deltona High

he was a senior

teacher I thought

no he taught health

and I took it

as a freshman class

I got it out

whenever I guess

yeah but anyway

he used to tell me

if you do that again

I'm gonna roll

a pumpkin ball

down this

oh right here

it's gonna blow

I'm gonna put

a bouncing penny

under your chair

and you're gonna

step on it

it's gonna blow

your nuts off

Pungi

infected Pungi

I just shit all over some sharpened steaks and put them under your chair.

Jesus.

Oh, Jesus.

Did you know that he was actually peeing in a cup every day?

Like, he would play his Rescue 911, and then he was peeing in, like, a Tupperware cup.

Because he had a bladder problem or something?

I think he was diabetic.

Oh, really?

For some reason, he would pee in this cup every day at the same time in the back of the class.

During class?

Like, just, ugh.

Yeah.

That's wild.

And then at one point, we've, like, someone told me, I think he's peeing back there.

and I looked

and I was like

oh my god

and the words spread around

and then this one day

I yelled out

don't forget to shake

and he got really embarrassed

and I rolled a grenade over there

he never really

wanted to talk to me

after that

I rolled a piss grenade

over there

seriously

that fucking teaches

to pee

I never remember

him peeing in class

it was really sick

I don't know

what that was about

I remember him

taking a shit once

right on my desk

you did?

yeah

on your desk

oh Mr. Purse

I'm gonna take a shit

right here

this is a shit bomb

wasn't there a coach

once that took

wasn't there a coach

that took a shit

in the handicapped bathroom

and you walked by it

and you smelled it

when he opened the door

you're like

that's why I don't go

in the public bathroom

yeah

exactly

I think it was

where a PE coach

were alcoholics

yeah I guess so

or just something

failed

filled souls

dead souls

but no

I don't think

I don't know if

Bill Nye's fucking dead

I just made that up

that was a good call though

he got kind of nervous

there for a second

is Bill Nye really dead

yeah exactly

Exactly. Elvis died in a tunnel from

the reals.

Anyway, yeah. He should die, that

bastard. Okay, well that was that. Thank you

very much. That was from Lord Spoon.

Ray Milkman.

We'll keep that open, maybe later.

Gino, I guess,

on MSN, has sent me

a request. We have

Hussein Kaki. He is a white,

washed, clubbing whore

that jacks off 24-7,

does a lot of phone sex,

and believe anything you say, call him.

I don't know that person.

I think he's Muslim, this guy.

Yeah, that looks like a Muslim man.

Yo, call Hussein.

Kaki.

That's why he put the antitrust on Zola's muffin.

He's a white, white, clubbing whore that jokes off 24-7.

He's a sick bastard.

I'll call him.

I'm going to talk to him.

I think that's Indian that you're doing right there.

It's whatever.

I'm Indian.

Give us back Nepal.

You're the fucking political practice police.

My Arabic and Indian sound exactly the same, too.

It's all the same.

I married some bitch named Blair Tindall

Says Lonesome

Blair Tindall

Weekend at Bird

Nice

David Faustino

Enter your destination number now

Hung up on me

Bastard

Let's try the other number

It's gonna be too late by the time I get to it

Shit

Phone's messing up

Son of a bitch

Andy say something

There's no way I have Milkman

Say something really dumb

Yeah

Starting to feel the sickness

Back again

He needs some more golden seal

That's what it is

Well anyway yeah

The homepage for the site

Is madhouselive.com

That was weird.

The phone's in really fucked up shit right now.

Okay.

If this doesn't work, we'll take a short break and try to regroup.

There we go.

I got it.

About time.

Seriously, the phone's running on its own.

That sucks.

Oh, is the battery dying on the phone?

No, it's working.

Anyway, okay, I gotta take a break.

I gotta fix the phone real quick.

So all y'all just stand by.

When I come back, I'm gonna get to some more of your prank calls.

Let me take a quick look here and see what's going on very quickly.

MacGyver is saying,

One of my shows, I gotta call this guy that used to play BFV with us in Sin.

He never stopped fucking talking on Teenspeak.

Total jackass, Ted.

What was his Sin tag?

From Munda.

Yeah, that was a little fucking kid.

kid. I wonder who that is.

Anyway, good to talk to you, fellow

Sin Clan member. I used to be in that

clan back when I was a gamer.

I wasn't really a gamer. I played Battle for Vietnam.

You remember that, Andy? Yeah.

I didn't play that. Yeah, sure.

We'll give Fumanda a call.

He was a faggot, man. I hated that stupid

little fucking kid.

Okay.

Persian Gina. I guess maybe that kid is

Persian. That's why he knows people named Hussein.

That didn't work out.

Your boy's sleeping. Maybe we'll

We'll get him next time.

Lord Spoon, thank you for contributing as you did.

And Jane Nefarious.

Saul Rosenberg and Frank Rizzo.

I don't know.

Those are long shots, but we can try them, I guess.

Lonesome Loser, of course, has sent me a bunch of numbers that we're going to have to get to when we get back from the break.

What else?

Hells Free wants me to call Walmart.

I guess we can try that when we get back.

There's a toll-free line here for an internet show talking about video games.

Tell the guy he has a sexy voice.

Saigon is begging me to do that call.

The Saigon's a dick sometimes, but I guess I'll do it.

And then Sticky Yicky, who sent me the request to call that dude earlier.

That Barbie chick, but she didn't answer.

Hang on.

Hello.

Nice speaking.

Okay, what's up?

Okay.

An old lady.

Hell's Fury.

Who's this?

I'm speaking to her in the chat.

Are you in the chat room, or are you just friends at Hell's Fury?

Yeah, yeah, I'm in chat.

Oh, tickle me.

Okay, I saw you talking in there.

Okay.

I don't think I have an old lady, though, unfortunately, in my list of stuff here.

I got, you know, Chester Center.

I'm sure if I get an old lady who calls,

oh, there's an old hick guy.

That's always fun.

Chuck Queer, Tony.

That's funny.

Cool.

All right, well, when I come back from the break,

I'll try to do that.

How's that sound?

All right.

Hey, no problem.

Hey, thanks for calling, dude.

It's kind of rude of you.

I'm sorry about that.

Just a little bit upset over the phone situation,

but apparently it's fixed

because it didn't sound too bad that time.

So as I try to get the break ready,

let me continue to let you know

you can call us here toll-free at 1-888-278-8509.

I may not answer.

I probably won't answer because I'm going to be taking a break.

So, again, as I said, bear with us.

If you're using AOL Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio,

you can send in your prank requests or your comments.

Madhouselive.com is the homepage for the show.

And the PCU homepage is kdkprankcalls.com.

All right.

So, sit tight.

We'll be right back.

After this, you're listening to the Madhouse on PCU Radio.

what's up people clap clap clap it's uh 12 0 5 and i'm eating chicken 12 0 5 a.m it's uh friday

morning finally tgif bitches and we're here listening to madhouse madhouse make prank call

for you make funny time um andy's left and he's feeling sick actually so yeah andy left so it's

just me with no milkman because milkman uh i guess milkman's sound card wasn't working right

And we lost him, but no problems, because I flew solo many a time in the afternoon, and they're just fine.

KDK is talking in the chat room, where you can join him and everybody else on PC Radio for the time being.

We're at kdkprankcalls.com.

KDK is mentioning to Joop that he should change the name of his show, the Retard Show, I guess it's called, Retard Night, Joop Nation.

And I really like that idea. I think Joop Nation would be a nice word for it.

Now, I asked Joop to give us a call here, but I guess he's busy.

he won't be able to do that so we know he's listening thank you jupe for listening good

luck with everything he's got a lot of homework that jupe kid he says he has more homework than

most college students dude i don't know what you're talking about because if you're a full-time

college student and you're for real you live eat and breathe fucking homework all right there's

always something to do there's always something to read there's always some quiz there's always

some test there's always some formula there's always some paper there's always some project

project, there's always something or some class or some shit to do when you're in college, okay?

It's the real world. So enjoy high school as long as you can, Joop, because it's gonna come at you,

and now you're gonna be saying, oh man, I wish I was in high school, man. It'd be so much better,

man. Yeah, anyway. Guys, I apologize for the show tonight. Maybe I'm just not feeling it.

Thing is, I'm running on fumes. I just finally got my new job. Finally got a job after being

unemployed for just not that long, and only six weeks I was trying to find a job. I didn't even

really try i don't know i don't know how i feel about that i could have been on unemployment for

months and months and months and i boxed myself into a position where i found a job that i couldn't

refuse so we'll see what happens still haven't passed that drug test i don't know the i don't

know for sure they got a negative on that so hopefully it is a negative nothing's found

anyway talking too much i'm boring the hell out of my audience lonesome loser in the chat room

room. Anyway, oh yeah, kdkprankcalls.com, as in kill death kill, kdkprankcalls.com, in

the chat room. Lonesome Loser has sent me numbers all night, as he normally does, and

we thank you very much, Lonesome. Virginia and John Goat asked to talk to his wife, Virginia.

She's pretty funny. Well, alright. We'll do that right now. Hang on, folks. Here comes

Virginia Goat.

Nigger bitches. I'm back.

Hello?

Yes, may I speak with Virginia?

Yeah, this is Virginia.

Virginia, how are you doing? Thank the Lord. God bless you, baby.

Oh, I'm doing pretty good. How are you?

I'm good. Are you going to church Sunday?

Well, I don't know if I feel like going or not.

How are you feeling?

Not too good.

I'm hungry.

You're hungry?

Yeah.

I'll get you something to eat.

I don't have any food.

You don't have any food?

Do you have some food? You're throwing out some leftovers or something?

Well.

Do you think you can make me a peanut butter jelly sandwich?

Peanut butter jelly sandwich.

Yeah.

Who am I talking to?

My name is Frank.

Your name is Ray.

Yeah, Ray.

Ray Deers.

Ray Deers?

Yeah.

My husband might know you.

He knows some deers.

Okay.

But, well, you think you can make me a sandwich or two and maybe give it to me?

I can eat with a glass of milk?

Let me ask my husband if he wants to fool with it.

Okay.

This guy says he's hungry.

Could we fix him a couple of sandwiches and a glass of milk?

Milk costs money.

John says milk costs money.

Well, what about the sandwiches?

Well, I guess we could give you a sandwich or two and a glass of milk.

We don't want to hurt about a glass of milk.

Okay. What kind of sandwich are you going to make?

Where do you live at?

I live here in Haldenville.

Yeah.

On Maple.

On Maple?

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

I mean...

Well...

Okay, you don't have to talk to me if you don't want to.

You can just give me a sandwich and I'll leave you alone.

I won't bother you.

Yeah, yeah.

Is it okay if I...

Okay, we'll fix you a couple of sandwiches and a glass of milk, okay?

What kind of...

What do you have to make the sandwich with, though?

Oh, we have some lunch meat.

Do you have any mayonnaise?

Oh, yeah.

Do you have any Miracle Whip?

Any what?

Miracle Whip?

Yeah.

Okay.

What kind of cheese?

Do you have any Swiss cheese, maybe?

Uh, I don't think we're having Swiss cheese, we just have just, uh, we have.

My husband said we, we have, uh, cheese.

Can I talk to, can I say hi to John real quick while I get dressed?

You wanna talk to John?

Yeah, just to say hi real quick and thank him.

Yeah.

Okay.

Here he is.

Thank you.

He wants to talk to you a minute and thank you.

John?

Yeah?

Thank you so much for, uh, you know, giving me, uh, sandwiches.

You ain't got it yet.

Well, I'm, I'm coming down, I wanna thank you, I'm gonna get dressed right now.

Okay.

Okay?

Get outta here.

Do you have Swiss cheese?

What?

Do you have the Swiss cheese?

Swiss cheese?

Yes.

This ain't a damn grocery store.

But I really like Swiss cheese.

You always make sandwiches with Swiss cheese.

No.

Okay.

I don't even like Swiss cheese.

It stinks.

It smells good, though, when you put it in your mouth.

It does.

When you put it in your anus.

It smells like somebody farted.

Yeah, it smells like, you know, from the anus, right?

Too much fumbi.

And the shit? John, let me ask you another question real quick.

The last time, you're still in the same place there, right, on Oak?

Yeah.

Okay. I'm not going to bother you, I promise, okay, no matter what, you know.

But sexual favors, is that okay for me to do for you?

Yeah.

For the sandwiches? Okay.

A little bit of, I don't know, what are you thinking?

Perhaps the, which position, doggy, or do you need some kind of work done around the place?

Always need something done.

A job, perhaps, I can do for you?

I'm good with my hands.

I'm good with the hands.

You know, perhaps a hand job.

Can I do a hand job for you?

We'll see.

Okay.

Do you have a hand job you'd like me to do for you there?

Not right at the present.

Any blowjobs or anything?

Blow your leaves over there?

Have a blower?

I'll give you a blowjob there at the house.

No.

Outside, you know, outside.

I'll do the blowjobs in the yard.

No?

John, are you okay?

You sound like you're passing out.

Have you been taking your medicine?

Yeah.

Your pills?

Getting ready to.

Are you okay?

You sound like you're about to pass out and die.

No, I'm alright.

No.

Circumcised or not?

Huh?

Circumcised or not?

No.

Not circumcised?

No.

You're not?

Okay.

Why?

I don't know.

Do you know what?

I don't know.

You don't know nothing about that?

No.

Do you feel upset that you're not?

Oh, John.

I'd like to thank you so much for giving Ray here some food.

Me and you go back.

Like, we used to know each other there over at the General's, though.

Where?

You know, we used to know each other not at the General's, not in the church.

Yeah.

I haven't been able to go on account of the diabetes, but, you know, I appreciate you helping my grandson out with this.

He hasn't had any food in so long.

Could you do me a favor?

Do you have that Swiss cheese, though?

No.

Can you tell me what kind of cheese you have there now?

I don't have any.

Can I speak to you?

I'm not all right.

Can I speak to you?

I don't need cheese.

Can I speak to your vagina woman?

She's busy.

What's she doing? Is she bending over?

Yeah.

Is she ready to give you one of those blowjobs?

Yeah.

Do you like those blowjobs?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah? Does she do it slow?

Mm-hmm.

Hang on.

Thank you, sir.

Sir, how old are you, sir, honestly?

You were born in 1930?

No.

Are you 60 or 70?

Yeah.

I go to church. Tell her I go to church.

Your wife wants to talk to me. Can I talk to her, please?

He's not going to give me sandwiches.

Do what?

He said, no, I can't have sandwiches.

Oh, he did?

Yeah.

He said he couldn't have a sandwich?

He said he didn't say you couldn't have a sandwich.

He said I couldn't have a Swiss cheese sandwich.

Well, we don't have no Swiss cheese.

Well, you think maybe I could bring some and you'd make a sandwich for me with it?

Call back when it gets over.

Oh.

How old is your husband?

Oh, 35.

He's not 35. How old is he? Please tell me.

I said 35.

He was born in 35?

No, he wasn't born in 35.

You're telling me that your husband's 35 years old?

Yeah.

How old are you?

I'm 28.

What year were you born?

Huh?

What year were you born?

I don't know.

You don't know what year were you born?

I don't keep up with it.

You're lying to me and you said you go to church.

Do you know what Jesus will do?

Do I know what?

Do you know what Jesus will do if you lie?

I still didn't understand you.

When you lie, Jesus gets sad.

Oh, he does.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I'm not supposed to lie.

Well, why did you lie to me then?

I didn't.

Well, you said you're 28.

Yeah, I am.

You know what you're doing now? You're a sinner.

Listen, I gotta go.

What you eating?

Cracker.

What kind of cracker?

I don't know. Premium cracker.

Premium white cracker?

Uh-huh.

Is it good?

It's good.

Yeah? You have any butter on it or what?

I don't have anything on it. I was just eating it.

So, you make your husband's ears pop?

Do what?

You make your husband's ears pop, he said.

Oh, no, huh?

He said, when was the last time that you and your husband were intimate?

Do what?

When was the last time that you and your husband were intimate together?

Oh, well, we're not getting into that now.

Well, no, when was the last time that you were pregnant?

Yeah.

When?

I'll talk at you later sometime.

Okay, baby.

Okay.

I love you.

Fucking God.

That is hilarious.

Wow.

Great call.

Wow.

Good.

good, we finally pulled out something there, um, thank you very much, who sent that in

to me, I forget now, so, who sent me in the fucking old dude, ah, shit, I forgot to give

my proper shout out to whoever it was that, whoever, whoever it was that sent that out

to me, who was it, damn it, dude, whoever that was, I'm sorry, I forgot, yeah, that

was Lonesome Loser, that's who it was, Lonesome Loser sent me the number from Virginia and

John Goat, what a bunch of, of classy people right there, classy Christian people right

right there oh my god he said that he's he said yeah you see man he's 70 years old i bet you but

he's still getting that head that's good that's a good woman right there man that's the kind of

woman you got to find yourself guys like you out there like jupe and pimp slut and all you young

guys out there are just getting into the game and stuff you gotta find yourself a woman who's

gonna give you head when you're 70 you gotta get that prenup too put that in there anyway saigon

Polygon says not to bother prank calling the internet talk show because it's the end of their show.

Well, sorry, dude.

I'm an asshole.

What can I say?

Helpass is asking me to ask what year it is.

What year?

Well, yeah, that's right.

Wrong one.

Hang on, folks.

I'll be right back in a second.

Keeps drag, baby.

Told me, son.

Always be a good boy.

Don't ever play with guns.

I shot a man in Reno.

I still chimp.

White power, everybody.

White power is the right power.

Okay, X-Babe. X-Babe is a bot.

Fuck X-Babe, up her fucking twat ass.

Sing it, Johnny Cash, you nigga lover.

Yeah, so thanks to Awesome Loser for that number we did.

Bill Nye, he was trying to get a number for Bill Nye, but that didn't work out.

I guess there are a lot of William Nyes in California, unfortunately.

Sorry.

Well, thanks for trying, bro.

Franco Insana and Pittsburgh PA, an old Latina woman, answered there about 15 minutes ago.

What else is going on?

We got the Foggy Goggle Bar in Boston.

We got The Place.

That's where we...

Okay, we're already in touch with it.

The Place, that's where fucking Nicki works at.

Hell yeah.

That's where that Nicki bitch works at.

Kill Radio is off the air.

Let's see who we can call here.

Hang on, folks.

Coindependence of Sex Addicts and Diggers Anonymous, anyway.

I don't know, let's call Walmart or something.

This one goes out to Hells Fury in the chatroom.

He requested a Walmart call.

This will be the Walmart somewhere.

more. I'm not sure yet, but hang on for that. Fuck, I hate this song. There we go.

Dale speaking. How may I help you?

Hi there, Dale. Can I speak to your toy department, whoever's in charge of the toys?

I doubt if there's anybody there tonight. What do you need?

It's the his and his and then the his and.

What would you need?

My wallet.

Your wallet?

Yeah.

Where is it located?

Hey, Dale.

Yeah?

Your wallet or your life?

No, no. Would you, are you serious?

I lost my wallet there.

In the toy department?

Yeah.

Okay.

You know where all those balls are?

The big thing full of balls?

Yeah.

I think it's in, like, in there.

So I'm thinking you think you can close down the store and a few of the guys out there just start taking the balls out one by one until I find it?

I'm walking over there now.

No, but you don't understand.

I was on, like, on the top of it.

I was, like, inside of it.

And it must have come out, my cell phone and my wallet, inside there.

So they're probably way inside the middle of the ball pit.

Man, you ain't going to see it.

Asshole.

How

is your phone? Hey!

There's only about 25 balls in it now, sir.

Hello? Yeah?

No, I don't see any wallet, cell phone.

Did you keep my wallet? Can you describe my wallet to me?

I haven't, I don't see it.

Yeah, but, I mean, you said you're looking for the wallet. Can you describe it to me?

I don't, I don't see the wallet, sir, so there's nothing I can do with it.

How are you gonna look for my wallet and not describe it to me, sir?

Would you like to speak to management, guy?

How long's it gonna take, though?

To speak to management? Yeah.

Well, probably 40 seconds.

You promised me they're going to pick right up, right?

Just a minute. I have a manager right here, sir.

You can speak to him.

Yeah, they got my wallet. They won't give it back to me.

Don't give my wallet back to me, Mom.

Yeah, hi. I think I lost my wallet down there.

What kind of, what did it look like?

It was round and kind of folded in the middle, you know, and you put money in, sir.

What's the name in it?

It doesn't have, well, I don't have any ID in it, sir.

I just had my cash and a quarter so I could use it in case I needed to make an emergency phone call.

Well, what color is it?

It's brown.

Today, I was inside the big tin bin you have with all the walls.

Inside of what?

The big thing you have with all the walls in it.

You know, the big wall thing?

You know, you have that big net kind of thing that's full of the plastic walls that you

pay, that you, you know, that you shell there?

That you throw them off the top over the, into the net and it holds all the walls, you

know what I mean?

Okay.

Well, I was playing on the top of it and then, oh dang, I climbed up there.

through the roads and everything i was out there with my little son and when i came out i came

back i don't have my wallet on my cell phone samsung nt4 nt442793 what is the make i had

the serial number what's the thing you keep from my wallet i had 42 dollars on it once turned in

anything here well i think in front of the rack you know what i heard dale said that someone else

is walking by he's like found his wallet he doesn't he can't hear me he had his phone

covering the he had his hand covering the phone and he said that he kept it he kept it yeah it

has the money inside of it which money is it 42 dollars the brand of the wallet it doesn't have

a brand name on it i bought it from an indian plantation in chicago in illinois well he doesn't

have anything it was made out of leather and they they sold it as indian women and i'm selling it

there. Have you ever been to Illinois?

Can you please give me my wallet, you stupid

asshole? I don't have your wallet, sir.

I think you're lying. Can I speak to your manager?

What's your name? My name is Ralph

Littlejohn. There's no identification

or nothing in it. No.

My identification was in my

checkbook. Phone number. I really don't

want to give that out. I was watching

2020. How can I get in touch with you if I

come across it then? I was watching

2020. How can I get in touch

with you if I

come across your wallet? Well, I'll call

Well, I'll keep checking, like, every 10, 20 minutes, see if you found it or not.

Thank you very much.

Okay, what's your name?

He got in trouble.

He got in trouble for stealing my wallet.

He stole my wallet.

I always answer the phone.

It's Walmart.

Dale speaking.

How may I help you?

Hello?

Hello, sir.

I ran all through that before.

He said, you see my wallet?

And I said, no, I don't.

He said, well, how do you know it if you don't have it?

I didn't say anything.

All I said was, Walmart, this is Dave.

That was great.

Well, thank you, Hell's Fury.

That was great.

I'm going to call back.

I got to call back and ask if they found my wall.

Yeah, hang on.

After that, we're going to call Milkman and see what his problem is.

Ha ha.

Nine seconds.

That's the way you get Timberland up

Let the music defuse all attention

Free admission

Hustlers, dealers, and killers

Can move swift

Girls get close

Shoot the bill with a two's cap

All my just coming homies

Parolings

Get money

Leave the people low

Slow

Issue people so phony

Shoot shoot

I made you look

You a slave to a page in my rhyme book

Hittin' big money

Playboy your time's up

Where them gangsters at?

Where them dimes at?

Runnin'

Yo, my mood is real rude, I lay you out, show you what still do

Mobsters don't box, my pump shot obliges

Every invocation to fight your punk asses

Like Punch said, you ain't even in me class

I made batch bins, backseat TV

Yeah, we back

Whatever you choose, whatever you do

Make sure he a thug and intelligent too

Like a reddish, we love, let me feel

How the females lose the sexiest

It's always the nastiest

And I like a little sassiness, a lot of class

Mommy reachin' your bag, past the fifth

I'm a leader at last, this a Don you wit

My nines are spit, niggas lose consciousness

I don't think they're gonna answer again.

Hey, we're calling Walmart 220, this is Jacob, how may I help you?

Hello?

Yes, hello?

Hey, sir, did you guys find my wallet yet?

Uh, no, not.

Can I speak to Dale, please?

Sure, just hold on.

Okay.

By the police, 1978, David Coverdale's Whitesnake

made a debut at the Skybird Club in Nottingham, England.

In 1971, 1972, Elvis Presley and his wife Priscilla were legally separated.

The couple had married in 1967.

1965, filming began on the Beatles' follow-up to Hard Day's...

On my electronic, Dale.

Oh, sir, how are you doing?

Not too bad.

Sir, did you find my wallet yet?

No, sir, we haven't found that wallet yet.

Did I tell you again what it looks like?

No, I didn't hear what it looked like.

Would you like to speak to the manager again?

Okay.

All right, which one would you like to speak to?

Who are you?

What?

This is Dale.

No, I'm not a manager.

No, this is Dale.

No.

Who is this?

This is Dale at this time, yes.

Why did you say he wasn't there?

You're lying.

You stole my wallet.

No, I didn't steal your wallet, sir.

You're lying to me right now.

You have my wallet.

No, sir.

I don't have your wallet.

So, why did you steal my wallet and my cell phone?

I don't know.

Jesus Christ, God.

Yeah, and we're back.

I call this challenge to anybody out there who wants to take, uh, to do a prank call now.

uh call in 1-888-278-8509 again the toll free line here is 1-888-278-8509

you can call me here and talk do a prank call with me if you want damn it um i could use someone

to call as a as a fucking attorney or some shit talk to walmart say that you got proof that you

stole my wallet trying to find here is milkman's phone number what do you say we give a good old

milkman boy a call and see if he's sick or what the reasons are for him not being here tonight

because he sounds he sounded like he gave me a really bullshit answer earlier he's been

fucking around me a lot lately hang on everybody yeah man this is milkman i'm listening to show

what i can't

I can't sleep, I toss and turn

Candlesticks in the dark, visions of bodies being burned

Four walls just staring at a nigga

I'm paranoid, sleeping with my finger on the trigger

My mother's always stressing, I ain't living right

But I ain't going out without a fight

Every time my eyes close, I start sweating

And blood starts coming out my nose

It's somebody watching me act

But I don't know who it is, so I'm watching my back

I can see him when I'm deep in the covers

When I awake, I don't see the motherfucker

He owns a black hat like I own

A black suit and a cane like my own

Some might say take a chill beat

But fuck that shit

There's a nigga trying to kill me

I'm popping in the clip when them blows

Every 20 seconds got me peeping out my window

Investigating a joint for traps

Taking my telephone for texts

I'm staring at the woman on the

It's fucked up when your mind's playing tricks on ya

Hey everybody, this is KDK

Said to get this bitch to pick up the phone

To leave a voice message

Jesus Christ.

Or just wait for the tone.

To send a numeric page, press 2 now.

At the tone, please record your voice message.

When you are finished recording, you may hang up or press tone for more options.

Hey, man.

It's Carlito.

Just calling you.

We're on the air.

I'm getting ready to end the show here any second now.

I thought I'd give you a call, see you want to do your shout-outs, but you're not picking up the phone.

So, oh, well.

Big milk, man.

you take care you call me back you old bastard later bye no milkman then i think i'm gonna end

the show dude it's like wow late you know i have a bad feeling that i have not recorded this show

at all yes i have thank thank allah and god and buddha and the nigger bitches okay so yeah this

was the madhouse this was let me let me do a rundown here is there anybody else i can call i

mean these numbers from los and loser they came in earlier though i mean i can't get to them now

Nah, those are unconfirmed.

He tried to get Sean Hummel.

That didn't work out.

Punk and Pete.

Blah, blah, blah.

Well, all this stuff will go in the archive, no problem.

But I think the real guy does live in Seattle.

William D. Nye.

Not sure if that's the real one, but...

Huh.

Maybe we try to get Bill Nye, the science guy.

Maybe this is him.

Probably not, but we'll find out.

He's never there anyway.

Last call of the night.

I need to feel your touch.

Can I speak with Bill, please?

This is he.

Bill, hey.

I'm a big fan.

How are you doing?

You're what?

I'm a big fan.

Okay.

Okay, where you been lately, though? I heard you got married.

I think you have the wrong one, sir.

Is this Bill Nye the Science Nerd?

No, it's not.

Who is this? Bill Nye the Homosexual Pedophile?

Well, I'm not.

What are you? Are you horny?

No.

Will you masturbate with me on the phone, please?

Huh?

Will you masturbate on the phone with me?

No.

I have my penis out in my hand right now.

Okay, that wasn't Bill Nye the Science Nerd. Sorry.

Sorry, dudes. I really wish I could talk to that Walmart again.

Please enter your destination number now.

I think I will.

For another night, maybe we'll call that Walmart back.

But that was a great call to that Walmart.

And that was a great call to that old couple before that about the sandwiches or whatever.

That was weird.

I don't know really what else we did tonight.

That was very productive.

But everybody who called in, thank you.

All our callers tonight.

Lonesome loser for confirming so many numbers and following up.

We couldn't do it without you.

And I know that goes for me, Zolar, KDK, and pretty much everybody else possibly on here.

um uh yeah everybody who submitted numbers thank you uh hell's uh fury thank you for the walmart

idea trying to think who else might have submitted some stuff i don't know i don't remember now but

everybody you're all appreciated look guys i'm really i'm tired i'm on fumes and i'm high right

now and it's late i need to get some sleep so we're gonna do this briefly um madhouselive.com

and kdkprankcalls.com

we'll catch you here next Thursday night

be sure to listen tomorrow to

Zolar Vision at 10pm

Eastern Standard Time who called in

earlier tonight as well as

KDK himself and the

Lunatic Fringe Saturday night

10pm preceded by

Joop at 8pm Eastern

Joop and his show

Retard Monkey Phone

Night something. Great show though

and I will hear it this weekend for the

the first time, so don't let me down, bitch, um, Sunday nights is, uh, Sean Ward's Peanut Punch

Radio, 9 p.m. Eastern, go to seanward.net, uh, Monday nights you have Hunter, Hunter, Hunter

Long and his talk show, Hunter's Talk Show, I think it's hunterstalkshow.com or something like

that, Hunter's Chat Show, Hunter's Stupid Show, Hunter's Great Show, whatever, man, y'all hate

Hunter, if y'all hate Hunter, then why not just kick him off the air, huh, oh, yeah, I don't

know i'm not going to get into it anyway uh tuesday nights that guy keith that guy who's

banging kdk keith or who kdk is banging i should say uh he'll be on tuesday nights at 10 p.m eastern

wednesday nights kdk and cycle babble the non-prank call show of the week on wednesday

nights at 10 p.m eastern and we complete the circle thursday nights 10 p.m eastern more mad

house with milkman and andy andy who's left for the night milkman who couldn't make it

hopefully everything's okay

thank you for everybody in the chat room

everybody who submitted numbers on AOL Instant Messenger

for the first time, that was awesome

and yeah, like I said before

I'm running on fumes

I can't really survive much longer

at this rate, I think I'm getting sick too

and if I am getting sick, it's all Andy's fault

that bastard, because he's sick himself

so, yeah, what a dick move on his part

okay guys, we'll catch you next week

peace out

Man, I catch you on the trees, man.

We're going to try to beat your butt, buddy.

I'm going to hit your butt?

Nah, man.

Who the fuck is this?

Man, you're gay, man.

Herbert, man.

You don't know who you is, dude.

Who the fuck is this?

You're a fucking pervert.

You know what I did?

Man, he's scaring me.

I don't know.

I didn't get my number.

I got your dirty laundry.

I got your dirty laundry over here.

Dude, who is this?

Oh, on my face.

I'm going to help you in my house.

I'm going to step on one person right here, and that person's going to rip.

You can't stay in your car.

You like listening to me on the phone?

Yeah.

Calling me from block number.

I ain't no block number.

What you need to do is hang up.

Hey, I heard your whole conversation.

Don't make me call the police.

The police did.

Yeah, you know what's up.

Yeah, I got you.

I'm going to blackmail you.

I'm so scared.

Jive turkey ass motherfucker, what's your problem now?

Jive turkey, you bitch.

You didn't hear, boy.

You jive turkey motherfucker.

Who the fuck is that?

What do you mean?

Man, you just showed me a place there.

I'm about to go whoop some motherfuckers ass

Cause I don't even know who the fuck you talking about

How much you gonna charge you guys?

Pick somebody up over here to the taxi cab

Man, this ain't no motherfucking taxi cab

You come fucking picking somebody up

I'm gonna whoop your goddamn ass

I kick the ass of y'all little bitches

And your goddamn mother

What?

Your mother

You motherfucking niggas

How you like that?

You piece of shit

I'm not a fucking niggas

I'm a bitch

You niggas motherfuckers

How you like that, man?

What?

Man, I'm a motherfuckin' 5th and 5th goddamn phone.

There's no white man that don't want to hear from no goddamn niggas

calling me in the fuckin' middle of the night.

Listen, listen, boy.

Listen, boy.

I'll show you a boy in a 12-gig shotgun, motherfucker.

Listen, cracker.

I'm gonna have three letters.

Listen here, cracker.

You got that, honky?

I'll show you some fuckin' three-letter, motherfucker.

I'll see you here.

Are you Michael Frazier?

Man, this ain't Michael Frazier, man.

This motherfucker's a white man.

What's up with that?

Look, let me just ask you real quick.

Quick, first of all, why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you, you stupid bitch.

What are you guys doing, man?

Hanging in Honolulu.

Got it.

State.

Tahiti Street.

Yeah.

Each of the K, yo.

KFC.

Just dip a wing in your pocket and run it up to me.

Yeah, but I'm only one over here.

I cannot drop a chicken on you.

We would give you a couple hundred dollars, though.

Even though, guys.

Are you ready?

I wish I was the governor.

Just pretend I'm sitting on you, okay?

No problem.

Okay.

Okay, I don't got to go.

Oh, God.

Yeah, well, I got to go.

Please do wash your hands.

Yeah, yeah.

What kind of life you have where you have to do this stuff.

So this is a very interesting radio you have.

Very interesting radio thing if you have that, you know,

because it just shows me that you have, like, nothing going.

No, I got plenty.

This is what we do, man.

I do this all the time.

I get lots of people to see.

This is what you do, like, you know what I mean?

Talk stupid.

Yeah, yeah.

Really, huh?

Yeah, people actually listen to this shit.

People, everybody listens to this shit.

Not everybody, because anybody with a half a brain that I know don't listen.

Anybody with a half a brain would listen to this show instead of eating your shitty-ass pizza.

How old are you?

Thirteen.

Yeah, fucking right.

You sound like you're fucking eighteen or nineteen.

I'm thirteen, I said.

Yeah, right.

Yes, I was born thirteen years ago, last Friday.

Mm-hmm.

I'm hanging up, and you better not call.

Do you have stripes in your underwear?

Do I have what?

Stripes in your underwear.

You are a sick fuck.

Come on, let me talk to your sister, man. Be a pal.

No!

Have you ever seen your sister naked?

No!

Calls (18, 1 h 2 min of 1 h 57 min)

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