2006-03-23 Show

galaxy's on you're ready to kick pcu hi pcu we're going to be on in three two you're calling about

what like goats animals goats actually my name's damien i didn't catch you at a bad time did i um

well yeah you no you didn't catch me at that time but what are you calling about well this is going

to be hard for me to to really say but um i'm one of your daughter's friends uh-huh sorry say that

again well i've we have kind of have a club me and a couple guys she's been hanging out with us

for about two months now and um i wouldn't necessarily say that we're we're dating but

i think it's all kind of a mutual thing she missed her period last month and she hasn't

had it again my daughter's name look everybody's here in the same room we just wanted to kind of

call you as a group and let you know that that we want to be here you know regardless of which

one of it is we can pitch in like like 10 bucks a month yeah yeah okay do you know my daughter's

name look we uh one of the the things about our our club is we all we all kind of use nicknames

i guess i'm i'm damien and then there's alfonso and uh there's a few others here but we're kind

of a religious organization and she went by june bug we're more or less kind of poor group and we

don't really for names and uh yeah there it is that's our celebration of the um fertility queen

um in our culture it was in the woods and everything how did you get this number well

gave it to us we've called before my daughter gave you this number is that what you're saying

and my daughter's and my daughter's name is why do y'all keep asking us that we call their

junebugs i'm damian alfonso is here she tastes like why am i asking you that because i'm her

father that's why i'm asking why are you calling me we think she's pregnant being that we've already

kind of got a bad reputation as a church of the antichrist i mean it's you know it's just tough

Enough enough.

My daughter's 11 years old.

Do you have any idea what you're doing right now?

Well, it's a...

Apparently you don't.

I can have the police called on you right now and you can go to jail for a long time.

How about that?

Well, it's kind of a win-win situation for both of us.

It's a win-win? Explain that to me.

Well, there's four of us and we were all going to chip in $10.

For what?

Hey, man, do you play basketball?

Why are you asking me that question?

Well, we heard you like to play basketball.

Are you guys... Are you serious?

No.

No?

Yeah.

No?

No, you're not. You're not serious. This is a joke.

Where is it?

You guys need to find something else to do with your lives besides this.

How much on and over there is?

This is pathetic.

Hey, sir, how much over there on it is?

Excuse me?

How much over there on it is?

Yes.

Do you have any idea what you just said?

Absolutely, sir.

That makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever.

Do you know how...

Do you know how I money make?

Hello?

Hello, is this the liquor store?

Yes, sir, it is.

All right, great.

What kind of beer specials you're having tomorrow?

What kind of beer special you like, bro?

Anything green going on over there tomorrow, if you know what I mean?

Yeah, for St. Patrick's, they didn't make this here anything green.

Only you have to buy food dyeing, you know what I'm talking about?

The green color.

Do you know what the secret ingredient is in Irish green beer?

I'll tell you.

Go ahead.

It's the blood of Iraqi children.

There ain't nothing wrong with that.

Oh yeah? Are you Shiite or Sunni?

Excuse me?

Are you Shiite or Sunni?

I'm a Catholic, bro.

My ass.

Okay, the Apostles' Creed. Go.

Okay.

I believe in God, the Father Almighty. Go ahead.

Come on, Catholic.

Why you don't come over here?

Creator of heaven and earth.

Why you don't come over here? You look like you got nothing to do, man.

And in Jesus Christ, his only son, our Lord.

Of course, Jesus Christ, bro.

Who was born of the Virgin Mary.

We are not those Catholics, the one you guys in here.

We are the old church, bro.

It's the devil's church, I heard.

That's by you guys, not by us.

Who am I supposed to be now?

Because you guys don't believe in nobody.

I'm a Catholic, you asshole.

I don't think you are a Catholic asshole.

If you are really, man, get your ass over here.

Look, I was just doing the Apostles' Creed.

You can't even do the Apostles' Creed and you say you're a Catholic.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You know what? Why don't get your fucking ass in here, fucker?

Why don't you suck this dick?

You could fuck yourself.

Yeah, are you wearing women's panties?

What's my family with an asshole like you?

Milano.

Torilio.

Carlito.

Minimum.

Psychic.

Andy.

Smorgasbord.

Ross.

Stavar.

It's Thursday.

Today is Thursday.

Come a God.

Oh, you're the God, too.

Not God.

Which one?

He thinks he's serious.

It's not bad.

Oh, perhaps not.

When he decides to announce his identity, the Lord sees man, they'll knock him out.

We're at the Republic.

My friend, this could be the best thing that ever happened.

Those who believe life here began out there or across the universe.

Tribes of humans who may have been the forefathers of the Egyptians,

Baltics, or the Mayans, may have been the architects of the great pyramids,

the lost civilizations of Lemuria or Atlantis.

Some believe that there may yet be brothers of man.

who even now fight to survive somewhere beyond the heavens.

There will be no order, only chaos.

That being said, grab a blunt, take a big hit, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

This is an exclusive of PCU Radio and MadHouseLive.com.

Flight controllers, listen up.

Give me a go, no, go for launch.

Booster.

Go.

Retro.

Go.

Vital.

Go, fly.

Guidance.

Guidance, go.

Surgeon.

Go, flight.

He's gone.

Go, go, fly.

G and Z. We're go.

Tell me. Go. Control. Go fly.

Procedures. Go. Inco. Go.

FAO. We are go.

Network. Go. Recovery. Go.

We're go fly. Launch control.

This is Houston. We are go for launch.

From real real?

I can't hear you today.

First of all, um, please shut the hell,

why don't you shut the hell up?

Maybe he's only a little crazy.

Painters or composers or

some of those men in Washington.

It's maybe you motherfucking

You are under speaking, you are.

You speak, you speak, I see.

You motherfuckin'.

Go ahead, man.

Motherfucker, you.

You bitch.

Don't never punch in the mouth.

You never know how to be boring, man.

Know my law, my law.

You motherfuckin'.

Why you so angry?

Where's my squad at?

I'm gonna kill you, man.

We're screwed right now.

We're not wrong.

It's a bizarre song.

It's a cat kickin' a nasty.

Dirty 50 rap.

I'm your choice of.

Yeah.

What's up, people?

Good evening.

How you doin'?

welcome to the madhouse welcome to the madhouse oh i am my levels are way fucking high sorry

everybody let's test that again sex on my phone got you guys sorry about that didn't mean to do

that hang on back to the music yeah so you're listening to a new episode of madhouse live

it is thursday um what's the date march the 23rd march the 23rd that's right and you're listening

to us on the madhouse network the madhouse radio network that is our flagship station is

PCU Prank Call Underground Radio

and that home page is

kdkprankcalls.com

and we're also

on HitCity

that home page

for HitCity is

hitcity.aim-planet.com

you can find

the links to those as well as all our

prank calls that we've done here

past episodes from last

year and more information

on us over at our

our homepage, madhouselive.com.

And with me here tonight, I have my good friend, the program manager and co-host of the Mad

House since our second episode, none other than the main man from the VI, the Milkman.

What's up, Milkman?

How you doing tonight, man?

Hey, man.

What are you saying, Cardi?

I'm doing great.

I'm the Madhouse, man.

We're ready to roll, baby.

We're ready to roll.

Now, Milkman, may I say you sound excellent tonight.

And why is that?

Why is the quality that we're getting from you sounding so good tonight?

Can you explain that to everybody?

Actually, it's pretty neat.

There's this really nice group of fellas that actually set me up with a dual coconut tree phone here.

So it's actually running on two different phone lines from a coconut tree to your coconut tree.

Exactly.

That's right.

I have a nice coconut tree outside my house here in Florida, and we run a line all the way to the Virgin Islands.

It's a miracle and only God could do this for us

So everybody bless God

But no seriously Milkman is on

This Milkman is being brought to you by Satellite

Courtesy of Sinclans

Sinclans located

Located at sinclans.net

Thank you for providing us the ability to broadcast

With Milkman here

He's coming in great

I love him already man

Those people over there are cool

The only thing is there's a bit of a delay

But you know what it's better than

You sound like you're getting ready to do some pranks on me.

How are you doing, man?

How was your week?

Hell yeah, man.

I'm all lit up, man.

I'm ready to go.

Hey, man.

Actually, I'm feeling a lot better.

Good.

A little bit of bronchitis I had is just about tapered off.

It's been pretty warm here.

So I've been busy chasing down some honeydew jobs here and doing pretty good.

I got the kitty cat sitting here.

Right.

She may even want to join in here in a little bit.

Good.

I don't know.

We may have to give her a bowl of cat food to go be quiet.

Yeah, put her on.

I should get my cat.

She talks, too.

If I hold her, she starts talking.

We should have a cat off.

See whose cat is the most real.

You know what, my cat?

I have the doors to the studio here closed, and I can see her sticking her paw through the door because she wants to come in.

She's always in here with me.

I've got to open the door.

I forgot.

Oh, really?

Yeah, she's sticking her paw through.

Well, here's the way I do it.

Go ahead.

I've got one of these little door stops, okay, like little triangle jobbies you put up on there.

And what I do is I make the door spread open wide enough just so she can almost get her head in.

And if she can't get her head in, then she can't get the rest of her body in, you see.

So what it is is once I have her in, she can't get out and roam around through the house

and go check out the garbage and everything while I'm busy in here in the studio.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Very good idea, my friend.

Very good idea.

Yeah, so she's still got the freedom thing going on, but, you know, she's just able to stay out of trouble,

which, you know, in the long run works out better for her.

Am I right?

Is the cat pretty much the official pet of PCU?

Is that not right?

Because KDK has two.

I have two.

You have one.

I'd say, yeah.

Yeah, and what else?

I know Sean doesn't have any pets.

Actually, yeah.

Zolar has a dog, right?

Zolar doesn't.

He has a dog.

He doesn't have a cat, but he has a dog.

Yeah, you never heard his dog farting and stuff like that?

He doesn't have one in the house.

Yeah, he does.

In his place.

Nah, he don't have a dog in the house.

His dog snores really loud.

his dog snores really loud

he's played on the air

he's put up the microphone

you hear his dog going

like

like that in the background

it was a skid or something

no he has a dog man

he seriously has a dog

he's talked to the

I know he has a dog

I'm pretty sure he does

if not he got me

alright

he skidded me

he skidded all over

my fucking

Puerto Rican ass

yeah

maybe he should call in

I haven't heard from Zolar

during the week

I haven't heard from him

in a while

in a few days now

I hope he's alright

where the hell is Big Z at man

yeah he's been busy

Oh, I know what.

He's right now.

He's at the Stern Studio, man.

We should call him, man.

You know that?

Fuck that.

We should call Zara.

He's right now.

He's probably wrapping up the Stern fan roundtable.

The Stern fan roundtable.

He was on it tonight.

I was listening to it before the show started, as a matter of fact.

We'll give him a call and ask him how it went.

Hell yeah.

We'll do that.

We'll do that first.

There's a chance he might even be there still.

Anyway, I didn't get to hear him plug PCU.

I hope he did.

I know KDK was listening.

and probably to see if he would or not.

But anyway, here's what we got going on for you tonight.

We got prank calls.

We got our own brand of fucked up music.

This one is by MF Doom.

This is shrew music in the background we're listening to.

That's not too loud, is it?

Yeah, we're sounding good.

Anyway, so we're going to try to have a good show, plenty of pranks.

That's just right.

Yeah.

So a big thank you to Austin Moore of Hit City who's playing us tonight,

Hit City Radio.

Hit City Radio, I know, is listed on iTunes.

We've got 21 listeners there.

air we got 43 listeners on pcu radio and we got four listeners on the scab the skip man let's just

wish you know what kdk was calling the the um our my stream he called it the scab pcu stream we

should name it we should name it the scab you know what i mean like scab radio that's what i'm gonna

name it scab radio is the name of our our little yeah either scab or galaxy we're gonna name it

something but i'm gonna get that fixed up anyway so uh thank you very much to the 67 people who

who are listening to us tonight on a Thursday night

at 1014. Not a bad way

to start off a show. If you're

listening to the show and you're not in the chat

room, a big

thank you to everybody in the chat room right now

over at kdkprankcalls.com

as in kill, death, kill.

kdkprankcalls.com

Anyway,

shout out to everybody

in the chat room. We got Madman, of course,

in there right now. He runs the server for us.

A big thank you. A good friend of mine.

I've actually spent time with him in person.

We hung out for a few days, and he's a cool guy.

Milkman, you're in there, of course.

Lonesome Loser's in there.

We haven't heard from him.

He's the official phone confirmer for us.

Call confirmer.

The call confirmer, yeah.

He's invaluable.

He might be away.

We usually don't start on time, so he's probably thinking,

he's got another half hour, you know what I mean?

Anyway, but no.

Yeah, we're actually early, yeah, for normal time.

We're actually early.

We're actually early, yeah.

We're on time.

Technically, we're still late, because I'm supposed to start at 9.30, but whatever.

That was a long time ago.

I've got to change that.

Anyway, so we're here.

A big thank you to everybody.

I've got AOI, or IOE, in the chat room.

Never seen her or him before.

Well, welcome.

Bizotch.

Brandon Vegas.

The Dead.

El Camino.

Fetus Man.

Hashy.

Jane Afarious.

Jolt.

Jonathan.

Big Joop in the house.

Nunu from the United Kingdom.

Pimp Slut from here in Florida.

We got Ripple Scotty, Spongebob, who else we got?

Tuck, Big Tuck, the official content.

He's a very invaluable part of this show, too.

Tuck created the images that we use in the Madhouse shop.

He also created the intro you heard.

He's the man.

Hopefully he'll call in.

He does podcasting.

I'm going to start podcasting the show.

We'll talk about that later.

But also, isn't he like the official artist for Madhouse?

He's the official artist for PCU.

But he's the official artist.

He has created the official graphical depiction of Gladys Ridgeford, has he not?

Have you seen that?

Yeah.

That was good.

Yeah, that's funny.

That's funny.

I like that.

That's awesome.

He's a very talented man.

Thank you.

If you want to visit our shop.

He's got a nice portfolio.

Exactly. Well, as far as announcements go for the show here, if you want to visit our shop, it's at cafepress.com forward slash buy Madhouse.

That's cafepress.com forward slash buy Madhouse.

You can visit the what I guess you can call a site.

It's pretty much one image that Tuck has made for us.

It's the official image of the Madhouse.

And we got a few shirts in there.

I would say buy the black shirt.

That's the tightest looking one so far.

There's a few mugs.

There's a beer stein in there you can buy.

What else?

Fucking scratch that.

There's a bunch of shit in there.

I'm trying to forget.

I'm trying to remember right now.

But, yeah, check that out.

Actually, yeah, we've got a pretty packed up store.

And speaking of that, I'd like to get with you a little bit after the show about a memo maybe on something else to add to the store.

Okay, that'd be cool.

Yeah, we should add a milkman.

They got the apron.

We should make a Milkman apron, I say.

I think that would be really cool.

The apron with Milkman on it.

Do they have any plastic cups?

Just like two-bath plastic cups?

That would be awesome.

Well, hey, anyway, here's another thing to announce.

Hopefully by next week's show, I should have a shipment of Madhouse pencils,

which say they're number two lead pencils in wood and grade with MadhouseLive.com.

and you can win those as a prize

we'll have a contest every week

if you win you get a fucking pencil

whatever it's something right

I mean what

and I also have the ability to give out

phone cards now as gifts

look man I got a pretty good deal on phone cards

so yeah

soon enough everybody there will be prizes on this show

nightly there will be a phone card given out

about once a month and there will be

pencils given out

a bunch of times a night if you want

if you just call in and like what you do

you just give me your address and we'll send you a madhouse pencil whatever i give you something

okay that's all i can afford i'm a broke bitch but at least i'm doing something for you people

okay enjoy your madhouse exactly maybe one day i'll get to the point anyway hey and also to

announce i'm almost at the point where i can um i can uh create a cd actually gonna make a madhouse

cd man i'm gonna have to try to get one press i've been i've been uh yeah my bad i talk is

is correcting me, I said Gladys Richford, that's Blackout's character, um, Jill, what's, what the

fuck is Jill's name, I forget now, KDK's character, the old lady with the cancer of the larynx,

Jill who, Jill Rosenthal, man, I'm fucked up right now, no, you're talking about Jill Rosenthal,

yeah, Jill Rosenthal's what I meant to say, Jill Rosenthal, Jill Rosenthal, Jill Rosenthal is all

it is, um, so like I said, if you're not in the chat room, jump in there now, kdkprankcalls.com,

I like this song a lot, huh?

This is off the newest Notorious B.I.G. album.

It's called Get Your Grind On.

It's an instrumental.

Notorious P.I.G.?

Yeah, that guy.

Notorious Pig.

That's him.

So, okay.

We take way too long to start up sometimes.

20 minutes into the show, we're still just talking shit.

Anyway.

That's alright.

Yeah, if you want to reach us on AOL Instant Messenger, you can do so.

The name is Madhouse Radio.

Again, AOL Instant Messenger users, Madhouse Radio.

Madhouse PCU Radio, if you're on Yahoo.

That's Madhouse PCU Radio.

Excuse me.

And if you're on MSN Messenger, Madhouse PCU Radio at hotmail.com.

I don't know how to spell that burp, but go for it.

no seriously it's madhousepcuradio at hotmail.com if you're on msn messenger so that's that

the toll-free line is going to be open here just any in any second by the time you hear this it

will be so the toll-free line is now open if you want to call us this is a toll-free call yes you

heard that right toll-free i do pay for this for you 1-888-278-8509 you can reach us here toll-free

anywhere in the 48 continental united states 1-888-278-8509 that's a toll-free call so give

us a call everybody's welcome and encouraged to join us again the home page for the madhouse is

madhouselive.com and the toll-free line is open again that's 1-888-278-8509 milkman i don't have

Nothing from Lonesome Loser.

Let me see what I have here as submissions from people.

Yeah, if you want to submit a prank call request to us, we will do that for you.

Of course, we don't charge for that service, and we don't ask any favors.

We just ask that you give us a full first and last name or complete name of the business that we're going to be calling.

Try to confirm that for us.

See that they're answering.

Milkman, how do you recommend that people confirm a prank call request?

what would they say to the person when they call to make sure that they're there well actually you

know the best way to handle right you don't you don't have to uh if you block your number then

that's the first thing that's a test right there right if you call it that way we know if it's a

call from a blocked number that it doesn't work then immediately that's the first click right

there you can just knock out and off the list right but then once you get on there you can just

like listen to the voice all right like let's just say like you hear an old white lady or

or something granny or something yeah so you know like a young guy or something hey yeah man

is johnny there you know i'm looking for johnny yeah the granny's gonna go what's that son i don't

know who's johnny and i say what johnny and you know it's my buddy johnny okay i don't know where

you're going with this so what the hell are you talking about milkman you're crazy you're crazy

high uh what milkman is trying to convey what you need to do you got the wrong number give us the

phone number exactly yeah no what milkman is trying to say to y'all the the thing to do is

ask for bob let's say a generic name and if they uh you know they're gonna tell you that they're

not there and then you say okay thank you very much that way you don't scare them off and put

them on guard by the time i get the number anyway right yeah try to confirm that try to

confirm if it rings again exactly yeah try to confirm that they're there i need a city and

state where they live you know so i know we're about to reference to if you have the street

name that helps out also i don't need the street number but the street name helps out also um give

me an age give me their story do they where do they work how do you know them are they your

friend or they're a bully bully from school some shit tell me what i can go with oh we have a

caller you're

on the air.

What's up, Joop?

How you doing, man?

I'm doing fantastic.

It's been too long, Carlito.

It's been a while.

I thought you weren't even listening anymore.

We were wondering.

Me and Milkman were saying the other day, we're like, we don't even think Joop listens

to the show, because he's never around in the chat room and shit.

I've been busy with stuff.

Okay.

Now I'm not busy.

All right.

Well, that's good.

So, hey, your show's been doing pretty good.

I've been liking it, you know?

Despite the fact that you have such a negative attitude towards it.

Seriously, you're doing a good job with your show.

I like it, man.

I'm trying to get it a little better, though.

It'll get better.

Do you get drunk or anything before you show, or you can't because your mom's there or something?

I don't drink.

You drink.

You do something.

There's got to be something you can do.

Can you slam a few Mountain Dews before you do a show one night?

I can drink a few juice boxes, you know.

Okay.

I can do some Mountain Dews.

Mountain Dews.

Okay, yeah, well, do something.

Get yourself, excuse me, get yourself hyped up, and I bet you do a good job.

Dude, I can't find my lighter, and I want to hit my, oh, there it is.

All right, so what kind of week have you been having, Joop?

What's your story?

Oh, this week has been, you know, uneventful.

I think six, three times to stay home.

Okay, really?

And it worked?

Yeah, and I slept all week.

So what do you do?

Do you just sleep?

I mean, you watch TV, I'm sure, and shit, right?

Oh, yeah, and I have my friends over, and I play guitar and shit.

Like, when I stay home, like, from school, I just...

That's cool.

We all need a break.

We all need a vacation sometimes, man.

Even if it's just to take a break like that at school.

Nothing wrong with that, man.

I skipped, like, a third of my senior year, honestly.

I graduated cum laude, so whatever that says.

Anyway, you sent me a phone number here, right?

It's a prank call at Wendy's?

Oh, yeah.

At Wendy's, I always call the Eric.

Okay.

You want to give him a call, man?

All right.

Word up.

Where did you send it from?

I think I lost it.

What the hell happened to it?

That's odd.

Can you send that to me again?

Because somehow I was-

I had to run downstairs, so I'll follow the way.

Oh, right.

I don't know what happened.

I did something to that shit.

Anyway.

My bad.

Um, hang on.

Did you send it to me in AOL?

No, I sent it to you in MIRC.

In MIRC.

So I should be able to see what's happening.

Alright, bear with me then.

Oh yeah, yeah, run downstairs so I can get that to me.

Because for some reason I can't find it.

Alright, I'm gonna leave my phone up here though.

Yeah.

So it doesn't like hang up on you.

Sure.

Get reception down there.

No problem.

We'll bullshit until you get back.

No problem.

I don't know what the fuck that is.

All right, man.

Jupe will be right back so he can send me that number.

Fuck, I had it here in front of me a second ago.

Well, fuck that.

Anyway, Milkman, did you get to hear those two prank calls that I replayed tonight from last week?

What did you think of them?

Yeah, I heard that one there from the turd was doing.

Yeah, turd burglar has been doing a pretty good job.

Even getting a little bit edgy there from the coconut tree.

But didn't that guy's family call back or something?

What was the deal with that?

I forgot to block by number, but they didn't call back, though, which is a good thing.

So, yeah, it's not a bad thing.

Okay.

Yeah, anyway, but hopefully Juke gets back to us.

I seriously don't know.

Okay, there it is.

I found it now.

Okay, here we go.

It is a Wendy's in Brumal.

In Brumal?

I don't know if that's the city or if that's the name of the mall.

Did you receive it?

Yeah, I did. Is that Broomall, the name of the city?

Broomall.

Is the name of the town?

Yeah.

Okay. That's the name of the town. That's a weird name. Is this Pennsylvania, I'm assuming?

Yeah.

Okay, right on. Okay, well, you hold on, Joop. Don't go anywhere.

And everybody else, keep listening. We're going to come back with the first prank call of the night

to the Wendy's in Broomall, Pennsylvania. We'll be right back in a moment.

Joop, there's a history to this. You said, real quick, though, you said you've called this place before in the past on your show and shit, or...

Oh, yeah, we made a whole CD of calling them, like, a year ago.

Really? Damn.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

They're retarded over there.

Good, yeah.

It sounds, you gotta be retarded to live in a plastic room, all.

Anyway, hang on, dude.

All right.

I'd like to file a...

I'm sorry?

See, I was eating my french fries over there.

Someone put a grape friolator, and I had a...

I'm sorry?

I had a fried grape in my french fries.

A who?

And I bit into it, and it squirted in my eye.

What did you say?

Can you fucking hear me? Listen to me.

Do me a favor. Come to the store and say that, okay?

Okay, I will.

Why don't you come to my turf and try and put a grape in my french fry like that?

What a dick. We can call him back, but you gotta speak up. We can barely hear you.

I get bad reception in my house. I'm gonna go outside.

Alright, alright. While you do that, hopefully the phone card bitch will come back and I can call someone again.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Alright, let's call this dude who picks on kids. His name is Steve.

Yeah.

Can you hear me?

Oh, better. Much better.

Ooh, that's loud. This is Steve. He's a bully.

Who paged this person?

Is he Bob Barker or something with that gay shit?

He's very new to your cat. What the fuck's that all about?

He's just a dork. That's all he is.

He's a faggot ass faggot is what he is. That's fucked up.

Anyway, um, you wanna try one more, Joop, or you wanna call it a night?

Oh, I don't know. Call it another place.

Let's see. Here's one off of Craigslist that Turd Burglar is sending in to us.

Um, a small South Beach apartment, some, what's this, some guy wants to furnish, hang on, trying to furnish as I would like to have more than me in my bed there, a TV would be nice, actually, blah, blah, blah.

I don't know, some, some guy is trying to rent a small apartment in South Beach here in my, in Florida, in Miami.

His name is Nick, want to try to give him a call?

It sounds like he's trying to have his place furnished.

I think so, yeah, you should accuse him of that.

Also, we got inflatable toys for sale, 14 to 24 inches long, seven different designs, wholesale value $9.

The guy's name is David.

He's in Miami.

Or we have a petite female who needs, she needs pics taken of her of a professional quality.

She needs good, clear pics burned onto a CD and placed on her computer, and she will give you a nice massage.

Really?

And her name is Sandy.

Sandy. This bitch is in Fort Lauderdale, I believe.

Yeah, she's in Fort Lauderdale.

Okay, we'll call Sandy. Sandy the hoe.

You got the gist of that, right?

She wants pictures taken of her, and she'll give them a massage in return.

Okay, yeah, I got it.

All right. Joob's going to herald this one again.

How do I do?

Yeah, Milkman, go ahead.

Can Joob hear me, or the callers hear me if I say anything?

No, Joob cannot hear you. He just hears silence when you talk.

But I will relay any message to him if you'd like.

What about the callers? Can they hear me?

The callers can hear you, yes.

Okay, so I'll be quiet. All right.

Okay. Hang on, everybody. We'll be right back.

Yeah, who's this?

The photographer you've been looking for.

Um, can I have your number and I'll call you tomorrow?

No.

Ken's tired. I was at bed.

Huh?

Thanks, I'm not interested. I got a photographer.

Yeah, well, I need that massage.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

What a bitch. I'll try her again. Hang on.

No one hangs up on Carlito and Juke.

Please enter...

Although, she probably won't answer, but who the hell?

You bitch, answer.

Hey, how you doing?

This is Lisa.

Please.

Lisa?

And your call will be returned real soon.

Thank you, and have a really nice day.

Yo, you're a hoe, bitch.

First of all, your name is Lisa, not Sandy.

We're on to your little game, aren't we?

Yeah, yeah.

Fucking hoe.

Yeah, we want them to...

We want to take pictures of you.

We want that massage.

We work for Playboy.

You're ruining a great opportunity here, bitch.

So, I suggest when I...

We were testing your charisma and your nicetude to see if you would just be nice to us.

That's what people are really attracted to now.

Exactly.

So if you know what's good for you, you might let us talk to you.

You can call us back here, 1-888-278-8509.

That's my number.

Give me a call back, all right?

Anyway, time for more Mind Talk.

Hang on.

Hopefully we taught her a lesson.

Her name is Lisa, not Sandy.

I'm going to call her out on that.

Bitch.

Sandy might be a porn name.

She sounds like a hoe.

You know the way she was talking.

She's like, yeah, I will have sex for money.

That's obviously what it is.

She's just advertising.

You know what she's doing?

She's advertising there that she wants to be in a porno.

She either wants pictures taken of her

or she wants to be in a magazine of professional quality.

Right, and she'll give a massage.

You know what she means.

Yeah, what kind of massage is she going to do?

You know what kind of massage she's talking about.

Yeah, penis stuck.

Yeah, she's going to massage my penis with her vagina.

That's what I'm talking about right there.

It's a thinly veiled attempt to put herself on the porno market, and I cracked it.

All right, Joop, you're a good man.

Joop, what do you have in store for us this weekend, Saturday?

Will you be on?

Yeah, I'm going to be on, but who knows what's going to happen this time.

All right.

Hopefully my mom won't catch me when I'm trying calling people.

Yeah, she caught you too, right?

I heard her doing laundry or something in the background.

That was all I heard.

I didn't know you got caught.

She was fucking doing laundry, and then an hour later,

she got on the phone and started listening to me.

Uh-oh.

And, yeah.

But I'm still going to do it.

Okay.

Rain or shine.

You don't have a cell phone or something like that that you use?

I thought you used a cell.

My cell phone doesn't get reception where my computer is,

so it doesn't really work out.

It makes that noise.

You know, how does Zolar do that?

He uses a cell phone, and he could have people on the computer connected to him talking.

I don't know what he's got.

I think he's got a phone patch or something.

I got to look.

I wish he'd tell me, too, that bastard.

He had a bunch of mixing equipment from some dude a while ago, and that's what I think it is.

Oh, okay.

All right.

That's great.

So we're going to have to let you go now.

All right, man.

Well, you have a good night.

We'll catch you Saturday night, 8 p.m., eh?

All right.

Take care of yourselves.

Say hi to Matthew over there and your mom, too.

Thank you.

you all right you have a fun time with the madhouse hey you too have fun too all right buddy

bye now all right so long all right see you take care so long see you take care what the

fuck am i talking about i'm just kidding jupe everybody jupe the uh the main contributor

um to the retard night every saturday night here at 8 p.m on pcu radio the home page again is kdk

k prank calls.com milkman here's the tally uh we have lost uh how many listeners we have lost

12 listeners on uh hit city but we've retained 17 at this time last week but we're down to eight i

would say so very good good for you 17 people thank you very much for listening to us on hit

city and please be sure to visit hit city very often um hit city um i'm sure most of those people

People are listening through iTunes.

Milkman, I bought an iPod.

Can you believe it?

Milkman, we've lost Milkman.

Holy dog shit.

I think we did lose Milkman.

Let me take a look here.

Yeah, we did.

Okay.

Well, we temporarily have lost Milkman, but I'm sure he'll join us as soon as he regains his Internet connection.

In the meantime, I'm here, and I'm Carl Eden.

I'm your co-host.

Now, if you want to join us here on the phone, Joop's call is over, and the toll-free line is open.

then you can hit us up at 1-888-278-8509 you know something i have to do is stop breathing so much

into the microphone because right now i'm like you know i sound like a very fat man so excuse

me for that i'm trying to work on that hopefully one day i will buy a nicer more professional

microphone for my show so i am planning on on making a podcast this weekend of tonight's show

showing offering that um somehow some way to all of you if you use podcasting i'm trying to get it

listed on some podcast search engines and podcast sites so we shall see about that but anyway let's

take a look at the chat room real quick and see what's going on on there let me go back to my

music here while we take a quick rest bit gather our thoughts chill out for a second as i hit the

pipe here packed with some of uh yeah some weed um turdberg went in the chat room we were talking

about him earlier we played a song earlier a song a prank rather um at the beginning right

before we started and that was a prank that he did here last week with us and if you'd like to

hear more of his stuff he's on monday nights at 10 p.m eastern i believe he starts either 9 or 10

um don't quote me on that 10 p.m eastern i would say definitely he's on turd burglar i believe his

His show is called Turr Burglar's Post-Mortem Pranks, I want to say.

Hang on, let me take a look at that here in the chat room.

Not in the chat room, but in the homepage.

Anyway, he's the contributor for that prank call that we did earlier.

We played earlier, rather, from last week's show.

As well as the number for Sandy, who is obviously a woman trying to offer herself up for sex in Craigslist.

You know, they're cracking down on that shit, apparently.

As of late, I'm hearing about Craigslist.

They're trying to crack down on these thinly veiled prostitution rings and stuff like that

that are kind of going on on Craigslist.

Apparently in some city, no, I think it was, yeah, I think they're doing a crackdown on

people who offer, like, free rent, like, well, anyway, they offer you to live for free in

their apartment if you ask for a free rent, whatever.

They're cracking down on that.

I think there's some website out there, some porno website called Mike's Apartment or something

like that.

and apparently it's targeted against him and some other some other people out there who run

operations such as his anyway uh let's see here mike and t is telling me to please unban him

he used caps by accident quote you were kicked from pcu for using i guess he was he had the

caps lock on he got kicked i don't know how to uh reverse any bans dude so yeah i don't know how to

reverse bans my friend if i could i would i swear to god but hey you should join the chat room if

If you're not, and I'm sure if Madman's out there, he can help you out, I would say talk to him.

Maybe he can help you out in your situation, but...

Anyway, we have a song request from Joop in the chatroom.

He's asking for Public Enemy He Got Game.

Well, unfortunately, I don't have He Got Game, but I do have Public Enemy Can't Do Nothin' For You, Man.

And we'll play that while we get set up here for our next prank call.

Off of Craigslist, the next prank call will be Inflatable Toys, apparently for sale by some guy named David.

inflatable toys. Here they go.

Anyway, here's Public Enemy for you, Jubes.

It's the best I can do. We'll be right back after this.

The Sprint Voice mailbox of

305-725-0742.

Okay, well, that didn't work.

Blah. We can try

the Church of Scientology.

Now, this was confirmed last week by Lonesome Loser,

who is not available tonight, apparently.

He's probably doing his own thing.

And to be honest with you, I probably won't be able

to do much of a show tonight without him,

and that kind of sucks, but

But we do rely a lot on the guy.

I can go into archives of stuff he confirmed last week and the week before, businesses, and we can try those.

But for the time being, I am in desperate need of numbers, either friends of yours or, hey, I really like to call businesses.

If you want to find a business in your town that's fucked you over, screwed you over, cheated you out of something, you got bad service there,

You know, some jerk-off asshole who works there or some shit.

Send it to me.

Send me the number.

Just make sure they're open.

Give them a call.

See if the business, the company, the store, the restaurant, the whatever is open.

And send it to me.

Tell me what city and town it is in, and I'll give them a call and fuck with them.

It's all good.

Anyway, Lonesome Loser would normally be helping us out with that, but he is busy right now.

So, no problem.

I understand.

He's taking a vacation day.

But everybody else out there, do your part.

Either call in, the toll free line is now open

1-888-278-8509

Again that's 888-278-8509

If you want to send that to us in the chat room

You can do so, kdkprankcalls.com

You can reach us on AOL Instant Messenger

Madhouse Radio

And Yahoo Messenger, Madhouse PCU Radio

You can also email your prank request to us, that's over at madhouseradio.com, that's immediate delivery to me, here in front of my screen, so madhouseradio at gmail.com, if you send it there, I get it immediately, and I will take care of it for you, we will do your prank requests.

So anyway, get involved, and let us know what you think, or just yell at me, whatever, I'm just here, I'll be here all night taking abuse from you people, I like it, I love you guys for it.

okay what else can we do turd burglar has one more number here this is for the small south

beach apartment that he's trying to furnish gotta think about that one here um let's try to call

this guy up here right back after this here comes the next prank call night everybody what do you

say there i have a special message just for you carlito all right go ahead revolution very well

said how you doing suck man i am doing well all right what are you talking about mean stuff

We were just saying our piece, I've lost Milkman, he's not back yet, but we were just saying our piece about a lot of your contributions.

You saw the store, have you had a chance to go in there and make anything for us?

I didn't make a madhouselive.com little thing for you to put for your sleeves there.

Yeah, for some reason, it doesn't meet the size requirements for what I'm trying to do it for.

What you do, I gave you the login information.

Go in there, and it tells you the size.

I want to say it's 10 by 11 inches or something like that.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, so that's big.

You know what?

You have access.

Just go in there and make a shirt.

You know what I mean?

If you try it, you'll see.

I'm sure you can figure it out.

Okay, yeah.

I wasn't able to get in some of it because I have, like, my browser is out of date

because the OS I use for my Deluxe connection is different from the new computer that I have.

Okay.

That's not connected.

So sometimes the browser doesn't pick up pages very well.

Oh, really? Okay.

But now that you told me that it's big like 10 by whatever, that's no problem.

I can do that real easy.

Okay, I'll find out for sure.

I'll get the specs after the show probably.

I didn't want to make it too big because I didn't know,

but now that I know, that ain't going to be a problem.

Exactly, exactly, exactly, exactly.

Cool, cool.

Yeah, there's plenty of stuff we can do.

I also want to start working on designs for a shirt for my own little project.

Sure, yeah. I'm telling you. If you can't go in there and do it, I'll do it for you.

I gave you access to try to do it. I don't know if you can.

If you don't have the ability, then I'll take care of it, man. That's cool.

I could probably figure it out. It's not a big deal.

If I have to say, hey, would you blah, blah, blah, I'll let you know.

I'm still looking out a domain name for it and everything,

and that's more of a banking issue than anything right now.

Really?

As far as that.

So financial?

Not financial.

We're just getting it straight with the bank.

So we got the money.

We just got to get everybody on the banking on board

so I can get my old account back together.

That's a big, long, hooey mess that you don't even want to know about and deal with.

Sounds like it.

Sounds like it, I understand, no problem

No problem there

Yeah, fuck, that sucks

So what's going on with the podcasting, man?

You have a podcast, is it

Are you still doing it weekly at this point?

The old Radio Memories

O-Tone Radio podcast

I have officially

Put on

It's on

Temporary

Hiatus

Probably permanent hiatus

Okay.

At this point.

What I am interested in doing now is a more conscious, sort of creative podcast

with interviews, calls, comedy bits, playing music that I like,

like mashups and things like that.

So we completed our show with

Sean Ward.

Right.

You had an interview with him.

Yeah, I heard it.

That was awesome.

That was great.

And he had a nice little chit-chat.

Yeah, exactly.

So I told you I bought an iPod, dude.

Yeah.

And I believe I did it right.

I have your podcast.

I'm going to play it tomorrow on the way to work.

I'm going to try to listen to it.

And on my lunch break tomorrow, I got it ready to go.

I bought a 60-gig iPod.

I love it.

It's awesome.

And I'm going to try this weekend, by the end of this weekend,

to have my first podcast up.

Hopefully, it'll work.

I'm going to try to do a...

Are you just going to do archive this,

or are you going to do, like, podcast for a podcast?

I'm going to do an archive.

It's not an archive, but it's going to be the best of every episode.

I will cut out just the pranks and the funny parts of talk,

and I'll try to make it like 30 minutes or so, stuff like that.

I'll do that, and then I'm thinking about doing my own regular podcast

where I just bullshit talk, that kind of thing.

I can't really do that on PCU because people expect prank calls,

but I would like to do more of a podcast, more of a radio talk show kind of thing,

kind of like you're doing.

I heard you talking about a, you were sort of like a Madhouse radio network.

Yeah, we do, we're on...

I think that's a fascinating idea.

Yeah, I'm on two stations now, I'm on PCU and HitCity, and I'm also supposed to start,

I'll be, this show tonight should be replayed on Monday night on another station, they haven't

completely signed up on board, I have a thing about setting up their access to download

the show after I'm done.

But anyway, that should be...

You do it, you can download it

and then they'll stream it whenever...

Yeah, he's not available for me to go on Thursday

on his site, on his stream,

but he's going to replay me on Monday nights.

I'm like, oh, yeah, cool.

That's not bad.

You'll probably get more listeners that way.

Exactly.

They'll tune in for the live show on Thursday, perhaps.

I don't know, but he's cool with it, I'm cool with it.

You've got this show over here on PC online,

and you've got this one here online.

Exactly.

That's a good way. I'm sort of thinking of streaming this podcast that I'm doing eventually as it gets going.

I just kind of want to do a recorded and give it to somebody and have them stream it and that's for the listeners and the interest and all that.

Right, right, right.

We also have coming, we've already, I've already recorded the next interview for the show,

and that's Dean Haspel, who is a already coming graphic novel artist and comic book artist,

and he has done things for American Cinder, Marvel, DC, Vertigo.

Wow.

Very interesting guy to talk to, very interesting stuff he's doing on web comics right now.

So it's coming along. I'm getting kind of, I've been hitting two big balls out of the park back to back. And there's some little projects I've got going on here. And I hope to get more people, more interested people to get more things like that going on.

Good deal, Tuck. Awesome. It's good to hear.

You're always a very positive person, my man.

So is...

If I keep taking my Paxil, I'm okay.

There you go. As long as I can stand the meds. There you go, man.

That's the spirit. Anyway...

Revolution.

Revolution, Milkman, says Milkman.

Revolution, Milkman!

Milkman is back with us. Welcome back, Milkman.

Yay!

Alright, not much, Milkman.

We got Big Tuck on the line.

Tuck, do you want to do a prank call before we let you go?

We have two numbers from Lonesome Loser.

He's joined us.

He said he's late.

Got caught up with some other stuff.

No problem, man.

You're the man.

No need to apologize.

You feel free to come and go as you please, my friend.

Well, what do we got to work with?

We've got Al and Diane's Red Onion Lounge in Arizona.

Or we have Gordy's Steak and Barbecue Smokehouse in Washington.

That's the state of Washington.

That's not D.C.

That's Washington itself.

Okay, Steakhouse.

And what was the first one?

The first house is the Red Onion Lounge, the Al and Diane's Red Onion Lounge in Heber, I guess, or Heber, Arizona.

Let's try that one.

Okay, we have a woman named Jackie who answered about ten minutes ago, so here it is.

Welcome back, Winsome Loser.

Talk to you.

Hang on the line there, my friend.

We'll get back right back.

Bell me up.

I'll let you fly another cut here.

So what happened to Winsome Loser?

Did you say he's getting laid or what?

Yeah, I think he was, actually.

Nothing wrong with getting laid.

on a thursday night yeah man thursday night's the best night to get late baby i love getting

late on thursday night yeah that's some good sex right there on thursday night because you know

it's almost friday night good to daddy bone you're like here comes the weekend baby i'm being stupid

we'll be right back everybody hang on hi jackie how are you doing tonight doing good thanks um

Okay, over there, about 3 o'clock to maybe 4, you know, I just don't remember.

I'm sort of kind of scumbobulated right now.

Brown, maybe with a fur collar on it.

A coat here?

Coat, CO, yeah.

Yeah, nobody's turned in any coats.

I don't have, what's in my lost and found is all I've had here.

I don't have, nobody's turned in a coat today, and I've been here since this morning.

Really?

Uh-huh.

I have the right place. This is the, um, the glass onion?

Yeah, this is the red onion, but yeah.

Okay. Oh, wait a minute. The red onion?

Yes.

Oh, I'm so, I'm so, I'm, hang on. I have a friend, and I'm, I'm just a little, uh...

Yeah, hello, ma'am. Ma'am?

My medication is sort of, like, screwy, and, uh, uh, Roger, are you there?

Yeah, this is Roger.

I'm on the line.

Hey, hey, ma'am, let me ask, can I ask you a question, please?

I'm nervous.

Just, um, when was the last time the painters were in, if you know what I mean?

I really don't know what you're talking about.

When was the last time you had the place painted?

Do you know?

Do you have any idea?

Has it been a while?

Yeah.

How long?

Like years.

How many?

Five?

No, like 15.

15 years since you last had the place painted there?

Yeah.

So the painters have not been in there inside you for the last 15 years?

No.

So you don't have your period for the last 15 years?

Are you like 60 years old or something?

or you're 70 years old?

Oh, I don't feel well.

Oh.

I'm trying to get a doctor.

Oh, yeah.

Now, see what you've done?

Ma'am?

She left us.

We'll call her back.

Hang on.

That was funny.

Please enter the number

you wish to call.

Hang on.

Let me try to get her back

one more time.

It takes hours

but it takes minutes.

How do I do this, Jackie?

Hey, Diane.

How you doing?

She ain't gonna play.

She ain't gonna play

with me no more.

Oh, boo-boo.

You, me, me, oh, oh.

Oh, poor me.

Let's try the other people.

Let's try the Steakhouse, Gordy's Steakhouse.

Okay.

All right.

Let's do something else.

All right.

Gordy, this is Grace.

How may I help you?

Yes.

Hello.

May I ask you a question?

What's your largest cut of steak?

What's my largest steak?

The largest cut of steak you could provide to me tonight.

Hold on.

Let me figure it out.

Very well.

When we return to the line.

people you gotta be hungry talk yeah your name is Hugo Chavez you're a prince

of the kingdom of Spain make it an unforgettable you're gonna be a prince

of the kingdom of Spain services give us the details hello yeah hi what is the

largest oh it's have our our ribeye is 24 ounce before and then there's a

The porterhouse, which is 22 ounce.

Until what time is open?

Huh?

Until what time is...

We're open until 9.

How much money it is?

It stops serving at 9.

How much over there money it is?

How much money is it?

Yes.

$34.95 for the ribeye.

I bring Prime Minister Hugo Chavez from Spain.

He is on the line.

I'm from the Conservancy.

Good evening.

Okay, he is on...

Hi.

Hi, he just flew in.

Again, my question to you is this, can you make, he wants maybe 48 ounce, do you think maybe you can take two of these?

48 ounce? I am happy meat, I am happy meat.

He only on Atkins, he only eat Atkins book food.

Yes, no bad fat, happy meat.

Maybe you sew together two ribeyes together, make 48, make him very happy.

Happy meat, big happy meat.

yes happy meat we can you can let me go let let me go make sure we have it

because we've been kind of busy tonight so my other hostess is going to check

for you and look at that wonderful so how old are you is I'm 16 only 16 what

is legal age America Prime Minister you know in Spain legal age is 19 really

really well, here it's 18

that's crazy

it's wonderful though, beautiful

you sound beautiful

beautiful you sound to me

thank you

you have the blue American eyes?

we have two ribeyes you can get

you have two ribeyes?

oh good

is that what you want?

yes, would you like to

to eat this meat also? Long, happy, long. Long? I don't, my English bad. Okay, ma'am,

ask you a question, me. Is, have blue eyes, you, like American woman? Only black eyes

here in Spain. Um, no, American. You is American, but. Can I put you on hold for just one second?

Does she have blue eyes?

It's got the app go you may go hold really quick. Okay. Okay, honey. Go now. I'll be right back. Very good you go

How you doing

Me no English good happy long

It's great music though

Hi, so can I place an order for you?

Yes, we want to make two ribeyes, so together make 48-ounce ribeye.

We call it the...

Sure, okay, and what would you like for your sides of both of them?

How much is sides? How much is sides?

The sides come with it.

What kind of side have you?

You can get baked potato, wild rice, fries, or fettuccine.

What is baked potato this you speak of?

I only make boiled potato.

How you bake, in oven?

Meat, meat, meat.

Excuse me?

Potato bad, meat only!

Um, no.

We cannot have the meat!

Excusez.

Just a moment.

Yeah, the fuck is this?

Conveniently located?

Right up your ass.

Oh my.

That would be awesome.

I'm Sulu.

Be sure to visit our new location on Rigel 7.

Do you think this is one of those eternal hold things where they keep us on hold all night?

How can I help you?

Ma'am, why is hold so long? It is long like me, you know.

We are busy.

I know, but I want make order.

Alright, and what would you like?

I want the two 24 ounce, you know, like I want you to call it the Prime Minister.

24 ounce what would you like, sir? Prime rib?

No, the 48-hour prime minister.

We don't have a prime minister.

Well, this is I'm telling you how you make.

You take 224 ribeye, slap it together, sew it together with surgical thread, and make it and fry it right there.

Oh, my.

We can't do that, sir.

But why not fry?

Why not just make?

Can you make me two steaks?

I can make two steaks, but I can't make it the way you'd like.

What does it cost you put the two ribeye, one on top of the other, on my plate?

We don't make them that way.

You can get two ribeye steaks, but we don't put them on top of each other.

Why?

I'll ask.

If you, you, what you do, you, if I sit down now, okay, and I say to you, look.

I can bring you two steaks stacked together, but we can't surgically tie them together, no.

Don't, okay, no surgical tie.

Why don't you take mashed potato, okay, in the middle on the, on the steak, in between like a sandwich, boom, bam, bam.

just like that the Prime Minister are you coming in here to eat sir yes now

how was your mashed potato now is this some Costco powder we have a garlic we

have a garlic mashed potato is it now like to come in to eat we're open till

nine o'clock and we can try to fix you up when you come in is it is real real

potato do you have skin in it or how it happen they are just regular mashed

potatoes with garlic added to them may I speak to the manager or manager is the

the manager. The chef then. He makes my food. The chef is busy. We're busy right now. I must speak to him. If you want business for us, we have party at 15 and we tip 40% or more. Ma'am, hello, hello, hello. This is the prime minister. He asks of you to name this after him and you deny it. We need happy big thick meat. Excuse me? He makes perfect sense to me. He has happy big

Big happy meat. I mean, how do you understand that? Happy meat, you know?

Good meat, good meat.

How do you say in American, uh, penis?

How do we say what?

You know, how do you say penis?

You know? We have penis for you.

This is Gordon.

Gordon.

Yeah?

Happy meat.

Is this the chef?

Yes.

Want to make talk to chef, is this you?

Yes, it is.

Sir, can you make us a prime minister tonight?

A prime minister?

Yes.

What is that?

That is when you take 24 ounce ribeye, okay, you make two 24 ounce ribeye, okay, when they are complete, you take the ribeye, you take mashed potato, you put it in between the two like a sandwich, and you put it on the plate, and you put, that's it right there.

Okay, when you come in and give me your credit card or cash, I will do that for you.

Who are you?

I am the owner.

What is your name?

Gordy.

Gordo.

You know Gordo, you know what that is in Spanish?

I don't care.

It means fat man.

Haha, you name it.

Yeah, that's Gordo, that means fat man, I'm fat.

How fat is you?

You look like a dickhead.

How fat is you fat man? Tell me.

Come on fat man, how big is it?

How big is your ass?

We lost him.

What the fuck?

That was the most fucked up prank I've done in a long time.

What the fuck was that all about?

Be sure you can send that to me, man, whenever you get it recorded.

Yeah, this weekend.

That'll definitely be in a podcast if it goes through.

That's a podcast.

You need to tell me what software or however you make a podcast.

You need to tell me how it is I submit it.

You've got to hook me up with that, dude.

I want to do that on Saturday.

Easiest way is to go through Libsyn, and it's like a web host.

It's like doing a web host, but a day host podcast.

How many people download your podcast?

Do you know how many, or is it just out there?

Depends.

Back when I was on the old network, it was like, I kid you not, in the 10,000s.

10,000s of people downloading that.

That's awesome, dude.

Downloading and subscribing and this and that.

Fuck.

I've got to do that.

That's going to be awesome.

That would be a great thing to do.

That would be crazy, yeah.

You have to have the content that people want to get.

and of course you have to make sure you have the exposure you want exactly oh it's just a number i

mean you know um i'll call you uh i'll fair sometimes we'll figure it out yeah whenever

man all weekend i'm free after friday after 6 p.m i'm free okay so go to go to lipsyn.com

lipsyn with a y at the end what they provide yeah yeah okay got it man word up all right hey

tuck thanks for calling thanks for helping out you're the man bro yeah man happiness and love

up to all y'all and all PCU

and Milk Mountain and everybody else.

Hey, real quick, that image

for the back of the shirt has to be

10 by 10 inches. 10 by 10

inches? Okay. Yeah, exactly.

Or it says... Yeah,

that's it. Anyway, alright, dude.

Peace out, my friend.

Revolution! Revolution!

Revolution it is. Viva la revolution.

Talk, everybody. Milk Mountain,

are you still with me? You're back, right?

Yeah, man, what's up? Good to have you

back. Did we lose you? Did you lose your internet connection

or your computer crashed?

No, the connection went down for a minute and I

just sat here staring at the lights

and nothing was going on.

Right on. Well, hey, that was a

pretty interesting prank call there at the end.

I don't know how happy it is, but there it is.

I forgot to mention

before we lost

Andy. We didn't lose him. I'm sorry.

He's not dead. Andy's not with

us tonight, unfortunately. He is on

sabbatical tonight. He's a bit under the weather

so he has said that he would be watching TV tonight

and hopefully listening to the show if he fell out for it.

So hopefully he did.

Shout out to Andy if you're listening.

Hopefully you'll be here next week.

And we have another caller.

Ooh, it's a cat.

Wonderful.

Dr. Lego, everybody.

Good evening, Dr. Lego.

You're on the air.

Yeah, it's the mother from Lego.

How you doing, man?

What's good?

God bless you and everything like that

or whatever you Jew bags say.

What do you say, shalom?

Is that what it is?

We say, uh...

Okay, I know that's a joke.

What else do we say?

We say shit like,

Okay, you're probably cursing me out.

No, that means shit in your pants, dude.

Good.

Hey, a schvatsa, that means nigger, right?

Yeah, you know, it means nigger or KKK kind of guy.

Schvatsa, that's funny.

Schvatsa.

Yeah, that's like, you know, that's why you see, like,

you know how, like, niggers say,

Yo, what's up, nigger?

Yeah

Well, Jewish niggas say

Yo, what's up, Schwarzer?

That would be funny if they actually did that

There's some black

Oh, we got

Not Muhammad Lee

What the fuck

No, you got black Jews

You got black Jews

Who is it?

Mr. T

He's a Jew, I think, right?

Yeah, Sammy Davis was a Jew

That fat bitch

That fat bitch, Nell Carter

She was a Jew

Yeah

Whoopi Goldberg

She's a Jew

She's a Jew, too?

That bitch

Goldberg, dude

Goldberg, come on

Okay, alright

All right. That's right. You got a point. There we go.

Thank you very much for pointing that out to me.

So what's up, man?

You're not going to be on the air, I'm saying.

I believe we had a conversation before the show.

You're not going to make it tomorrow night for your next episode?

Oh, yeah. Tomorrow night I won't be on the air.

So if somebody can cover for me, that would be really good.

I got a gig with Kim tomorrow night.

We're playing a rock show at this club here on Long Island.

A club in Long Island? What's the name of the club, if I may ask?

Uh, it's the Blue Parrot in Massapequa. If anybody is on Long Island wants to see, you know, a good rock band, that's, that's what, you know, we do our little Led Zeppelin fucking medley.

Okay, right on.

Yeah.

Led Zeppelin.

I don't know if you guys are into, yeah, you into Zeppelin?

Um, I, yeah, I like that song, Stairway to Heaven.

Well, we don't do that one, dude. That's too fucking slow. We do all, like, the heavy shit. Crazy, you know.

What's the one that goes, come on, Malma, let me feel your move, wanna make you sweat?

Yeah, if you go to our website, that actually plays on the website.

You can hear Kim sing it.

It's www.thesteelehorseband.com.

Yo, Leg, let me ask you real quick, man.

Kim is hot, man.

I mean, how do you...

Yeah, she is a piece of ass.

She's a slut, dude.

Yeah, how do you...

Don't say that, man.

That's your fucking woman, man.

How do you...

You come on here all the time.

She's a fucking slut.

She's a dude I fucking bend over, stick a head in the pillow, I don't give a shit.

Wow, that's awesome.

It's all right, dude.

You know, dude, you know what the problem is?

You haven't gotten a hold of your bitch yet.

You've got to, like, you know, you've got to understand that, you know, when you slap another chick in the face with your cock, it's not cheating.

Okay, that's right.

We talked about this earlier.

Lingo's been counseling me, Milkman, on how to treat the women and how to get other women involved and stuff like that.

It's not even how to treat the women.

You know, you've got to understand, you know, where you're at.

You've got, you know, the way I figure it is this.

You know, Kim's hot.

You know, she's my bitch.

You've got one life to live, you know.

What the fuck, you know?

I mean, she loves me.

I love her.

So what's the difference?

Exactly.

You know?

All right.

Lego, do you want to do a prank call here, or are you off tonight?

No, what the fuck?

Put somebody on.

I'm in the mood to fuck with somebody.

Great.

Well, here's what we got.

We got the Aristocrats Club Bar and Grill in Seattle, Washington.

Now, what is the Aristocrats?

I have no idea.

It's a club bar and grill.

Apparently, some guy answered there.

We also have Lay's Sex Shop in L.A.

We have B's Ice Cream, Acapulco Ice Cream Distributor.

We got the Golden Crown Restaurant, Fantasy Limousine.

That's what we have from Lonesome Loser at this point.

Get me on with the limousine company.

The limousine company, Fantasy, is it Fantasy?

Yeah, Fantasy Limousine in Highland, California.

A guy answered about 30 minutes ago.

They're probably still open.

Highland, California, no problem.

Get me on.

Word up.

All right.

By the way, Kim, everybody on Man House Radio thinks you're a piece of ass.

She's beautiful.

Tell her I said, tell her Carlito said that she's a...

Well, you know, even though, like, he ranked you out that one time, he thinks you're a piece of ass.

Yeah.

He thinks you got really nice tits, and...

I didn't say that much, but...

Even though you got, like, a hairless pussy, it's still nice.

Hairless.

What?

Hairless?

She does that shit?

Wow, dude, she fucking shaves the whole...

Yeah, she's not into that fuck.

She's not into hair.

She totally shaves her ass.

You never get that, um...

You never get that stubble burn any time if she doesn't keep up with it?

Dude, she's...

Every day, it's, like, fucking, like, smooth as hell.

Nice.

Wow.

You know, she spends a lot of time, like, making sure that shit's right.

And then, you know, keep it in clear.

You must throw it like a pro.

Give me a fucking tissue.

Hello?

You tell her.

All right, hang on, Lego.

We'll grab back with you.

Yeah, the limousine, limousine.

Limousine it is.

Fantasy limousine.

Ew, excuse me.

All right, everybody, we'll be right back with the next prank call of the night.

Dr. Lego, fantasy limousine, California.

You're listening to The Madhouse.

It's 11.23 p.m.

I'm sorry for the silence, everybody.

I thought I had the music on, and I didn't.

My bad.

Call's almost ready, hang on folks.

The phone's fucked up.

Oh.

We lost Lego, we lost everything.

I can't call anybody on the fucking phone now for some reason, man.

It's weird, it's not going through.

It keeps telling me that I'm dialing my number wrong or some shit.

Hello?

Oh my god, we're gonna have to end the show early tonight.

Were you on the phone card?

No, I'm on the regular phone.

We got Lego back.

Hey.

Yeah, I'm in trouble with the phone again, man.

This sucks.

You wanna IM me the number and I'll...

Yeah, well I'll try to get this figured out and see what's going on.

I'm sorry. I had you on there for a long time.

Oh man, I was like, you know, starting to like, just, I was starting to rub my...

Do something to get some...

You almost lost me there for a minute.

Alright, hold on. I'm gonna call...

Lego has the sound effects from Star Trek on his computer.

I used to do that.

What you doing over there typing away?

Go.

Alright.

I could give you the right number. We sold out the business.

Shit, man. I need to get a limo.

This is Victor Maitland. I represent Mini Kiss.

Huh?

We're coming in from New York and...

fantasy thing going on

no, it's just a limousine

we sold out to another company

I thought it said

fantasy limousine or something

because you know I represent mini kiss, you've heard of kiss right?

oh yeah yeah

I represent uh... I'm Victor Maitland and I manage a band called mini kiss

uh... basically what it is

it's the same band as kiss but they're midgets and they've been on tour

yeah no, but they've been on tour, they've been very successful

And we're coming into Highland, and I need to get a limo.

Let me ask you this, do you have a car?

Yeah, they got a car one on Spiceburger 300 on 22th.

Yeah? All right.

Because, you know, money's no object here.

I just got to get the band all hooked up,

and I was wondering if there's any kind of fantasy that goes with it.

Unless you guys want to get some girls and pick them up.

Well, that's, yeah, that's what I'm saying.

I mean, you know, I'm looking for somebody who knows the town and, you know, can get me hooked up here because mini-kiss, they're no joke, dude.

They may be a bunch of midgets, but they got big cocks and they want, you know, they want to get laid.

Oh, heck, yeah, I could call up.

Well, I'm going to give you the number to the guy that takes care of all that.

You know what, dude?

You sold the business, but you know what, man?

I'm saying, like, I don't care, man.

You know, what about you?

Do you have, like, a minivan, a car?

You want to pick us up?

I'll just fucking pay you, bro.

Yeah, you know, I'll pay you cash, you know, whatever.

I mean, I, you know, I'm just, I gotta get, I don't have time to call around and I just

gotta get these guys hooked up.

Okay, what do you need to get picked up?

Have you seen our site, minikiss.com?

It's, it's, it's huge, dude.

We've been playing all over the place now.

We're on fucking News 12, News 14, we've been on NBC, ABC, um, uh, we've been on Playboy

Channel.

It's blowing up, man.

It's blowing up.

What do you need me to pick up from?

Uh, I, I guess the airport.

Can you get us at the airport?

Oh, you got to get right to the airport.

For the sole thing, we don't got the fucking thing to get him to the airport.

No, you don't have the weather set.

You call it the little shulker.

What about this, man?

Can you get, like, little fucking mopeds?

We could drag them on skateboards.

They're little.

It won't fucking matter.

You know what?

The guy that hooks up everything, he has a good imagination on all that.

Can I give you his number?

What's your name?

Phillip.

Phillip?

Yeah.

Phillip, man, what's up?

My name is Victor Maitland.

Uh-huh.

Oh, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, man.

Look at this guy.

He plugs up everything because he has more limos.

I'll give you his number, and you call him right now, or I can give him your number right now.

He'll call you back in five minutes.

Man, you don't want to help us out here, dude?

What do you do now?

You get totally out of the business?

What are you doing?

I'm just relaxing right now.

I'm getting some mouth going right now.

You're getting what?

I'm getting another business going right now.

So you're basically not doing anything at the moment?

Yeah, yeah.

You're basically a bum?

Yeah, for now.

All right.

I listen to a lot of people that way in America, you know?

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

I mean, a lot of people are just some fat, lazy fucks that do nothing.

I'm on the move 24 hours a day, man.

I don't stop moving, man.

You know, I fucking get my dick sucked.

You know, that's why I don't have a girlfriend.

I'm telling you, man, I pay for hookers because what the fuck, man?

You got a girlfriend or a wife, you're going to pay like $500 to get fucking taken to the movies and dinner

and then maybe you'll get laid, right?

But with a fucking hooker, you give her 50 bucks and you're done.

You fucking pop her in the ass and you fucking throw her out the window.

You know what I'm saying?

That's the way, man.

You should listen to me, bro.

I'm fucking successful, and I know these things.

Yeah, no, I feel that.

All right?

I mean, you should follow me.

You should be with me.

You should fucking, maybe we could put the mini Rolling Stones together.

I'll fucking, I'll let you manage them.

You know what?

I know this one kid, fucking mini Prince.

He's fucking hilarious.

He's a little, he's a little fucking midget.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, man, he's good.

He fucking does this.

Yeah, he does it perfectly, man.

Only he's a fucking midget.

So that's all you guys do is just fart, huh?

I'm telling you, the midget thing is huge.

I got this one chick, Bridget the Midget, she makes porno films.

I had a fucking dude, it's called Somewhere Over a Cattle's Ass.

It was a takeoff on The Wizard of Oz.

Uh-uh.

Damn, you guys have a good time.

Yeah, dude, we're all about partying and having, that's why I need you to get me a car,

and I need you, now the girls, the girls have to be fucking, like, not midget girls.

They want regular, you know, regular-sized women with big tits.

Gotta have big tits, man.

I'm going to plug this in right now. I'm going to get a call back in five minutes.

Can I call up with Clay? He's good with all that shit.

All right, listen. We're going to be in at the end of this week, man.

Not tomorrow, but the end of the following week.

Now, what can you do for me, bro?

Phillip, help me here, because I don't want to fucking have to deal with this shit.

Yeah.

Look, I'm going to call my partner. He got hooked on that.

What do you think it's going to cost?

I don't know. I've got to call him right now just to let him see, you know what I mean?

Let me ask you this. Are you married or anything?

You've got a girlfriend?

Yeah.

You've got a girlfriend?

Yeah.

What, what, you know, I mean, you know, you into sharing her?

Huh?

Are you into any freaky shit with your sharer?

Oh, no, I ain't, no.

No, you're not into the freaky shit, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Because I'm telling you, man, my fucking little midget friends would give her a night to fucking remember.

Probably better than you could, probably better than you could ever do, bro, seriously.

I mean, you know, I mean, they may, they may be little, but their cocks are not the size of thimbles.

I mean, they're fucking, you're talking 11 inches on Gene, mini Gene Simmons.

And he's got the fucking bigger tongue than the real Gene Simmons.

And he likes to lick, he likes to fucking lick the ass.

He's good, he's fucking nuts.

Listen, I'm going to have my partner call you.

Now fuck your partner, man.

I like you, I want to deal with you, man.

I don't want to deal with the other guy, and I want to deal with you.

We'll pay you, you tell me how much it is, and we'll fucking pay it in cash.

Fucking American dollars, Deutsch, you know?

Yeah.

You know what, let me put you on with Mini Gene.

Hold on, Mini Gene, you there?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I agree.

It's Phillip.

Hey, how you doing?

He's going to hook us up with a fucking car and some bitches.

Hey, Phillip, how are you?

Hey, what's happening?

You guys are partying like that, huh?

Yeah, I'm a richie from Italy.

Look, I give you my number, you call me back or no?

Yeah, give me your number, I'll call you back, let me see what I can give.

I mean, I know partners that have, like, I have a partner that he has girls, like a lot of girls that he fucking, he has court service, yes.

You know, do they like to get, do they like hot tub?

Man, they love it all.

My partner, he really got a business started like maybe less than a year ago,

but he has all sorts of girls.

These are not like dirty bitches, though.

They're hot bitches, right?

No, they're not.

You know what?

One time we were in New York, right?

And this fucking guy hooked us up with these dirty bitches, you know?

I'll tell you.

Fucking first of all, they fucking take their panties off.

They send it to the room.

It could fucking make the fucking paint come off the walls.

And then the other fucking problem was this other chick had, like, a mosquito.

And all of a sudden, yeah, all of a sudden, it was like, I mean, it was disgusting.

It was fucking nuts, man.

I had to fucking beat her with a stick and throw her out.

But, all right, here's the deal.

Let me give you my toll-free number.

All right, what is it?

It's 1-888-278-8509.

Don't call me back on this number.

I don't answer this phone.

I only answer, you know, we have the toll-free number.

Remember, that's my business.

It's called MiniKissEntertainment.com.

Now, listen, who's calling me back here?

Me, Phillip, or Carlos.

Either one of us.

We'll be together when I call you tomorrow because you have a week.

Listen, you guys aren't Jews, are you?

Huh?

You guys aren't Jewish, are you?

Oh, heck no.

All right, good, because I don't fucking deal with those Jew motherfuckers.

They always try and rip you off, those motherfuckers.

I don't fucking deal with Jews or Schwartzes, you know?

All right, but I'm going to give you a call tomorrow.

What was your name again?

My name is Victim Maitland.

Victor Maitland, alright? I need you guys to call me back tonight. I need to be called back tonight, like quickly. Listen, Phillip, I'm serious, I got fucking money, and I need to settle this tonight because I can't be fucking around, alright?

I'm going to call you in ten minutes.

Alright, listen to me. Victor Maitland, Herpes Simplex 10, you fucking call me back.

Okay, I'm going to call you back right now, ten minutes.

Alright.

How do you say elastic vagina?

vagina. I don't know. Was that funny? Yeah, it was. It was funny. I wonder if he's going

to call back or not. That's interesting, man. I want a tuna sandwich like you don't know

right now. You know what I mean? You know what I'm talking about? Dude, like a tuna

sandwich or a fucking tuna sandwich? Like a tuna, you know. No, I mean like a tuna sandwich.

You know what I mean? You know what I'm getting at? You're not talking about like a nice fucking

wet pussy slapped in your face. You're talking about like a, you're talking like a fucking

chicken of the sea. No, no. I'm just talking about, yeah, pussy, wet pussies off my face

right now. That's what I'm talking about.

All right.

I mean, you know, I didn't think these shows go there.

Listen, you know, I got to tell you, man,

the dad fucked up my MySpace page, but then he fixed it.

He fixed it?

He fixed it, yeah.

Yeah, it's looking a lot better, so I'm proud of the dad.

He's getting his HTML skills together.

He's all right.

He also fixed the pranktheworld.com website

because that was all kind of fucked up.

But he's told me that KDK kind of like banned him or something.

or I don't know, told him to get off, man, you know, and I gotta tell you, man, you know,

you know, fuckin' PCU without the dead is like fuckin', you know, meat without potatoes,

you know?

That's right.

Yeah, it wouldn't be the same.

Yeah, I gotta have the dead around.

So, uh, what else is going on?

How you guys doing?

I was gonna ask you something.

Shit.

Fuck, I forgot what it was.

It was a very good point I was gonna ask you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

See, I always interrupt people on the move like that.

No, no, no, it was something I was gonna ask you, and I forgot what it was.

It was something off the topic, off the cop that came to my head or something, but

I forgot the shit already.

Oh yeah, do you play in that band or do you just like, are you just like the manager or something?

I'm the guitar player.

You're the guitar player? Okay.

Yeah.

Alright.

I sing, I play guitar.

I'm trying to see if this is your picture. Yeah, that is you. Alright, that's cool.

Yeah, you do look very Jewish. Yeah, you definitely are a Jew.

Wow, look at that.

Oh dude, I'm a fucking, yeah, but dude, I'm a fucking kike, you're a spick, and what the fuck?

You didn't love him all that, nothing wrong with that.

No, you know what, we are what we are, and you know what, but you know what, I'm not a prejudiced motherfucker at all.

I love everybody.

Well, you do. I love all that shit.

I fucking have respect for everybody's fucking background, everybody's religion.

You know, it's all good, it's all cool, man.

Do you eat kosher?

Be honest with me, do you eat kosher?

Have you ever had, let's say, bacon for just to try it, ever?

Oh, you know what, let me tell you, there's different types of Jews, okay?

You have different levels of Judaism.

You have fucking Hasidic that only fuck their chicks through a little fucking hole in the sheet.

And they don't go out on Saturdays or any of that shit.

Then you have orthodox, pretty much like real people, but they'll go to fucking temple on Saturdays and they're kosher.

Then you have conservative, which is what I guess I am, and I'll explain that to you in a minute.

And then you have reformed.

Now, reformed, they'll fuck anybody or fucking eat anything.

They don't give a shit.

Conservative, which is what I am, pretty much, you know, I'm not, I don't keep a kosher house in the sense where I'll have meat and dairy dishes and all that shit.

But, you know, I was brought up where I never ate bacon or shellfish, so I've never eaten it.

And therefore, at this point in my life, I can do whatever I want, but I don't because I've never eaten it and I don't have the desire to eat it.

And honestly, fucking lobsters look like a fucking giant insect to me, so they kind of disgust me.

I know everyone says it tastes good.

Oh, God, it's so good, man.

You get a nice lobster, you do a ride, you get some of that melted butter, man.

It looks like fucking insects.

And did you ever see people eat steamers?

Oh, steamers, steamers.

No.

You know what a steamer is?

That's like a fucking, like halfway raw clam.

You fucking pop the shell open.

That's nasty fucking shit.

And they're little fucking clam abortions.

That's nasty fucking shit.

I hate that shit.

Fuck that nasty shit.

Yeah, man, and you bite into them, they fucking squirt, and shit comes flying out of them,

and they look like they got mung on them.

I mean, it's just fucking disgusting.

Mung.

So I won't eat those.

And bacon I never ate because, you know, I just never ate it, so I won't.

And, you know, the pig thing doesn't really work for me.

Although, you know, what is it, those fucking Midwest people

or those down south people, they eat those, what is it called, chitlins?

Yeah.

That really grosses me out, man.

That's nasty.

That's pig abortion.

Yeah, I would never eat that.

I would never eat chitlins, no.

But bacon is some good shit, though, man.

Yeah, you know what?

It's good, but I don't know, dude.

You know, listen, gefilte fish is pretty good, too, you know?

Gefilte fish.

I've heard bad things about it.

No, actually, gefilte fish sucks.

It's nasty.

I call it gefilte fish.

Yeah, what about borscht?

I heard that's nasty, too, right?

Which stuff?

Borscht?

Isn't it borscht?

Isn't that some kind of shit you guys drink?

Dude, I don't know.

Let me tell you something, okay?

I might be a fucking Jew, but I eat a lot of Chinese food.

I'll tell you a story, okay?

You know what the Jewish New Year is?

Yeah, it's Yom Kippur.

No, yeah, but do you know what the Jewish, do you know what the date is?

It's like something like 5782.

Is it really?

That's what you're, yeah.

Oh, okay, all right.

And the Chinese New Year is something like 4723.

Okay.

So if you subtract the Chinese New Year from the Jewish New Year, you know what you get?

What?

You get all the years the Jews went without eating Chinese food.

You got a point.

Very good idea.

That's a very good point.

You know what I'm saying?

I do understand, but that's true.

That's true.

You can't you can't dispute the facts and now the proof is in the pudding right there. God damn. It's not

Let me ask you this I mean, I don't know man. Yeah, I gotta ask you a question

Okay, if if your friend, okay, let's say your best friend in the world had a really bad fucking cut on his toe

Okay, right on his big fucking toe, right?

And he and it was like fucking pussy and all cut up and you guys are like on a desert island and the only way

way that he was gonna fucking live was if you fucking sucked out the poison what would you do

it no is there water there's no source of water at all that i can wash my mouth with afterwards

yeah you can wash your mouth out well you know you i mean there's salt well you're on a desert

island i mean so either there's a fucking natural spring pond or you know you could use the salt

water i guess but i'm just saying would you suck the pus out of his foot that's some nasty shit

right there man that's a i i don't know stranded on a desert island and it's all pussy and the

The only way, I mean, that's sick, dude.

Why would you even ask that?

Yeah, I guess I would.

If I could wash it out right afterwards, I would then.

Now, what if it was on his balls?

No.

That's where I draw the line is the balls.

You'd let him die?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, at that point, no.

No, there's no way.

He had to find a fish or something he could attach to a leech or something like that.

I'm sure he could improvise in that sense, but there's no way.

I mean, it's not a gay thing.

You would let your friend die if he had, like, a fucking...

If you knew you'd suck the poison out of his balls and he would live, you're saying, and it's totally not a gay thing, it's just something you had to do to save his life because you didn't have any medical technology.

No, I would not touch the balls, I'm sorry.

I have to be honest with you, it would be very hard for us to do it.

Alright, alright.

I don't know.

I mean, yeah.

Me personally, you know, I would probably kick him in the balls until he died.

Exactly, put him out of his misery.

I just, just put him driving there.

Because figure this, figure this, you're on a desert island, it'll be good for food anyway.

That's a good week's worth of food right there, at my rate, number one.

Dude, I think you could probably get two weeks of food out of this, he was a big fat fuck.

You can't store it for that long, you don't have refrigeration, you gotta cook it up pretty fast.

Probably salt it with salt water or something like that, probably couldn't though.

Yeah, you know, you do have a point there, it would taste pretty fucking crappy after a couple of weeks.

Yeah, you can't, yeah, that's nasty.

It'd just fucking rot in a way.

Yeah, you can't.

You know, then you'd have like that maggot food.

That's sick.

That wouldn't work.

But, yeah, he's got to cut out his balls anyway.

He's not going to be able to run or be very mobile, I'm assuming.

So, you know, he's not going to be able to put up a bunch of a fight.

You know what I mean?

So you could probably just kick him to death or just trip him and then, you know, drown him in the fucking ocean right there.

Just stick his head in the ocean and just drown him.

Kill him that way.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's how you do it.

So, dude, what about this MySpace thing?

Can we get more people to listen to the radio, you think, with it?

I think so.

Yeah, everybody tells me MySpace this, and it's a big networking tool.

I don't know how.

Zolar has like a thousand friends on his.

I don't know how he does it.

Yeah, he gets a lot of people listening to his show.

Yeah, I'm working on it.

Yeah, I'm up there already.

Zolar also gets all the press.

You know, he gets all the fucking Stern press, too, so that ain't hurting him.

That's true.

Well, I've got to call Zolar.

I don't even know if I can make phone calls right now, but shit.

I can call him.

You want to call him?

Yeah, put Zolar on the line.

Let's talk to him and see how his Stern shit went tonight.

He was on the air.

He was on Sirius.

Yeah, well, thanks for anybody fucking telling me.

I know you told me, but, you know, I think it was a little too late.

Yeah, yeah, I caught some of it.

All right, let me get, let me get that.

All right, I'll play a song while you do that.

Go ahead, play a song.

I'll be right back.

Yes, sir, I'll be right here.

We're right back with Zolar of Zolar Vision tomorrow night at 10 p.m. Eastern here on PCU Radio.

Ah, what a pretty.

He's too good for us now.

I was hanging out with the Stern people and that bitch.

You know what?

He's, honestly, he's probably fucking crashed out because he's got to be a pro.

Ah, that's true.

Alright, Lego, my friend

I guess we'll catch you a week from tomorrow

Slap me in the fucking face

Throw me the fuck off, because I'm not funny

I gotta take a break, I gotta take a shit

I gotta take a break, I gotta fix the phone line somehow

So everybody pray

But Lego, plug your sites real quick

I thought that limo guy was gonna call back

Go fucking dumb, play, what music are you gonna play?

Anything good?

What do I got coming up from the break?

I've got Bob Marley and I've got Blur

I'm gonna smoke, I'm gonna let it spliff

In the honor of Bob Marley

Listen, I want to talk to you about your girlfriend one of these days in some detail.

She's listening right now, so say what you want.

She's listening live from D.C.

She's definitely listening because she actually said that I would do it.

As a matter of fact, she told me here online right now on AOL.

She said that I would suck the poison out of the balls.

She says that I would do it after I said that I would.

Can you believe that?

My own girlfriend said that I would suck balls.

All right, look, maybe to save your friend, but listen, I'll put it to you like this.

I just wanted to explain to you, and really not to you because I know you understand, but to your girlfriend.

I wanted her to understand that there's cheating and then there's having fun in life.

Cheating is if you fucked another chick or let her suck your dick or anything sexual like that.

But if you pull your cock out and slap another chick in the face with your dick, that's not cheating.

That's not cheating.

That's just having a good time.

Hey, yeah, smack, you know.

Let me write that down.

You know what I mean?

Slapping.

So I just want her to know that, you know, you can do that,

and it's totally legal within the relationship.

It's not a problem.

Okay, so Miranda's down slapping with dick and face, not cheating.

Totally not cheating.

Cheating, okay.

Okay, you know, you know, you know, like if you have a girl,

if there is a girl who's your friend and, you know,

let's say you're doing sports with her, like let's say you're playing tennis

Let's say you're playing tennis or football or something,

and you score, and you fucking give her a nice little smack in the ass,

not cheating.

Not cheating.

Even if you grapple a little when you do it, still not cheating.

Okay.

What if you wrestle a girl?

Wrestling is fine.

If your face winds up in her crotch or vice versa, totally legal.

You're doing a sport.

what you're wrestling and it doesn't matter funny story my conception uh my dad was wrestling my

mom and they didn't know each other he was trying to mug her true story what i don't know what i'm

talking about so you're saying your dad your dad like fucking raped your mom and yeah and they got

married yeah there it is right there if she fell in love there all right i can understand that

because you know when i met kim what happens basically uh i had called 1-900-SLUT yeah and

And that's how I got Kim on the line, and, you know, we just became friends.

Nice.

And one thing led to the other.

Hey, Milkman, real quick, before we let you go,

Milkman wants to know what happens if it accidentally slips in in the process of wrestling.

Is that just an accident?

By accident.

I think by accident, you know, as long as you pull it back out, you're okay.

What if it's a finger?

A finger is fine.

I mean, if a finger slips in while you're wrestling,

As long as you pull it back out and don't, like, persist in moving it in and out, I think you're okay with that.

Now, let's say this girl was being helped up onto a raft.

Helping a girl up into a raft, and she was 19 and not 15, then, you know, I salute you.

What about 9?

But if the girl's 14, 15 years old, then I give you the finger.

You know, then it's not too good.

Okay, I gotcha.

Well, just speculation, that's all.

Do you agree with that or not?

Or would you not think maybe she was asking for it or something like that?

Most of them are, but at 15, it's kind of like, you know, you're on a very, you know.

I think you've got to wait until they're 17, 18, and you're at an age where it becomes, you know, like pretty much okikosha.

Then you can pick them up like a ball and ball.

Well, hey, man, you know, I'm saving this one.

When I get sued for sexual harassment finally, my excuse is she was asking for it.

I'm thinking that's the best defense I can have right now.

I'm going to go that route when it happens.

Now, let me tell you a little thing you can do.

Okay.

You can take yourself, they have sexual harassment courses now,

and you can get, like, a little certificate that you took the course.

How to get away with it?

Right.

Right, you will get a, if you have, if you take this course and you show proof that you've

taken the course, no matter what this girl says, unless she can fucking show DNA on her

body, you know, she's got nothing, she's got nothing on you.

Okay, gotcha, gotcha.

You know, and most of them are asking for it, you know, and a lot of them will trick

you into that because they want to fucking manipulate you.

That's why, like, even your, like your girlfriend as of right now, I don't care how much you love her or how much you think she's the greatest girl in the world,

If you're gonna marry her

You get it in fucking

You get that fucking prenup dude

Otherwise it's gonna be

All hers dude

Really

Half

It's just half

Might as well be all of it though

Nah dude

I got Kim into a 25 year contract

She's not even married to her dude

I thought you

I thought she was just

Your common love girlfriend

Or something like that

Yeah but I

But she's got a

I got her fucking

She's got a

Dude

You know what

You don't need to be married

If you're with somebody 5 years

You're

You're legally bonded to them

Yeah not in Florida

Because they're trying to

stay away from gay adoption

or something, but I think that's valid up there in New York.

Common law wife, right? Isn't that what she is, I guess?

Yeah, she's like common law.

So what I'm saying is, before we even

started living together, I made her sign this

big fucking 20-page agreement. It cost me

like five grand to have this thing written up.

And you know, it's good, because

then I had all, like, you know, it also

it went beyond the

money. It also went into the sex.

You know, like

all the things that she has to do when

when I say, and pretty much, you know, if I want to slap my fucking dick in some girl's

face, it's not a problem.

Okay.

Lego?

She knows the deal.

Lego, water sports, yes or no?

Not really my thing, but, you know, I mean, I've, you know, she's peed on my leg a couple

of times in the shower.

In the shower?

Yeah.

Yeah, you know, I mean, like normal shit.

We're not like freaks, you know?

Okay.

I mean, I'm not going to let it, I'm not going to fucking take a dump on her or anything,

you know?

Oh, man, that's not water sports, though.

What about Madly?

Well, it's the same fucking thing.

I mean, you know, once you let it go, you might as well let it all go.

I know.

Might as well do number three if you're going to do number one and number two.

Now, let me ask you this.

Have you ever vomited on a chick?

No, not on purpose, no.

I've been vomited on by a chick.

Yeah, have you?

Did you like it?

No, I...

What do you think?

No, I felt kind of ashamed of myself.

It happened right when I took off my pants, so I don't know.

I don't know what that was supposed to mean.

Is that right?

She threw up?

She threw up all over my dick, yeah.

That's a bad sign.

That is a bad sign.

Was it warm and...

Needless to say, it was not one of my best nights that night.

Was it warm and tingly, though?

You know, it felt good at first, a little bit, but it did have a bit of chunk to it, and it kind of turned me off at that point.

Yeah, the chunks could fucking ruin it, because if she starts stroking it and you have chunks, it could irritate the fucking head of your cock.

Exactly, and then you shave.

And then the fucking purple, you know, then you got fucking, like, problems with the purple helmet, you know?

Alright, man, well, Lego, we're gonna call it a night. Thank you very much for calling in, bro. We'll catch you soon, hopefully, next week.

All right, listen, next week have your girlfriend on, and I want to talk to her.

You'll talk to her.

All right, we'll work that out.

You know, tell her it's all good.

All right, we'll talk.

We'll talk later.

I need her.

All right, listen, thank you for playing Bob and Molly,

and if you have to wipe more than two or three times, you need to take a shower, all right?

Okay, Mike.

All right, man.

All right.

Take care.

Bye-bye now.

Lego, everybody.

Crazy-ass Dr. Lego.

Milkman, what were you trying to say?

I'm sorry.

Was it for Lego, that comment you were going to make?

Well, yeah.

Never mind now.

Never mind now. Don't be upset, Milkman. I'm sorry I didn't get to it. We had to move on.

Okay? Milkman, are you okay there, buddy?

What's that?

Are you okay? What's the matter over there? You sound upset.

No, I was just about to fall asleep. I've been laying here trying to stay awake and listen.

Oh, jeez. You gotta go. You gotta go. It's okay. I might wrap up now, actually.

If the phone line doesn't work, I'm gonna have to cut the show short.

I'm gonna test it. I'm gonna take a break, Milkman.

Oh, we gotta call her, though. That's not good. Let's see who's calling her.

Ow, that fucking hurt.

Hello?

Sorry, I got the wrong number.

Okay.

Whatever that was about, that was that.

Okay, everybody.

We'll be right back.

After this, I'm going to take a break.

If you want to reach us here, you can do so on AOL Instant Messenger Madhouse Radio.

Now, when we come back, we have a few more practices.

As long as I can get the phone line to work.

We got a few casinos here.

We got the new Riverboat Queen Casino.

We got a few limousine companies.

We got a Chinese restaurant in Los Angeles.

And we have two more bar and grills.

So we have plenty of stuff coming at you after this break.

In the meantime, please do listen.

Physical selections.

Milkman, is there anything you'd like to share with us in terms of how you've been talking in the past?

I don't know if I'm putting you on the spot here.

But are you thinking about possibly starting your own kind of online kind of show kind of thing starting up sometime soon?

No comment.

You're not allowed to talk about it?

Nah.

Okay.

Okay. All right, Milkman. Well, you hang on there, please. We'll be right back after this, everybody.

You're listening to the Madhouse. It's now 12 a.m. It's midnight, Friday, March 24th, and we'll be right back after this.

What's up everybody, we're back.

Welcome back to the madhouse.

Excuse me.

And someone, unfortunately, because they were calling in, I haven't been able to check the phone line.

Kind of threw a wrench into my big plan there.

But, hey, if you do want to call in, I see the dead was wanting to call in.

The dead, you can call in, sure, no problem, but let me check the phone line real quick.

Hang on, folks.

Let me play this while I check the phone line, see if I can fix it.

If not, we're going to have to end the show.

I'll be in early.

It's working now.

Da-da.

Okay, Milkman, what you doing over there, man?

I'm just hanging out, man, looking for the next good call.

Okay, we've got plenty of numbers to do.

The Dad wants to call in.

Turd Berkley wants to call in.

By all means, go ahead and do so.

Be on the air.

We'd love to hear from you.

The toll-free line is 1-888-278-8509.

Call us now.

Be live on the air.

Do a prank call if you want.

Yeah, we've got a bunch of numbers here from Lonesome Loser that we need to knock out.

And if you want to give it a shot, by all means, call us here right now.

1-888-278-8509.

What's he going to get out here?

Yeah, Thien is asking me what the big deal is with me getting puked on.

I told her it was a joke.

Theater of the mind, right, Milkman?

Yeah.

Hey, Leggo's starting some trouble here.

Madhouse, you're on the air.

Hey.

Burgle of the turds.

What's up, man?

How you doing?

What's up?

Sound kind of tired tonight.

You tired there, buddy?

Yeah, I got a headache, Mom.

That's why my eyes are red, I promise.

Yeah, that's what it is, right.

So what's been up with you, man?

How's the show treating you?

I hear you're official now, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, apparently I've got the slot, and it's going pretty good.

I'm getting pretty good feedback from everybody.

I'm just trying to work out the kinks and iron out the wrinkles and whatnot.

Awesome. I'm glad it's working out. Yeah, that's cool.

And you're on Monday nights at 8 p.m., or is it 10 p.m., or 9 p.m., or Eastern?

What exactly is it?

Here in Central Standard Time land, it's 9, so that would be 10 Eastern.

Okay, 10 our time. Good time.

So time we usually start, too.

Time we start at 10, as a matter of fact, we've been going for two hours.

Ain't that awesome?

Yeah, it's been a good fucking show, man.

I was through the whole thing.

I'm trying.

I'm trying my best.

We have a few casinos here.

Do you want to do a call for us, or you got too much of a headache as you're trying to say?

Oh, no.

See, I went swimming, and I opened my eyes with no goggles.

My eyes are red.

All right.

Well, get some Visine.

I heard the Visine helps for that.

Anyway.

Hey, yeah.

Yeah.

So, Madman sent you a call, guy.

Okay.

And it's his house.

Oh, you got to call it.

I called it.

But I came on yesterday because nobody was on.

Okay.

And I called this guy's house, and some guy answered.

Dave the Hippie?

And I was telling him, huh?

Dave the Hippie?

Is this him?

Yeah, Dave the Hippie's house.

Oh, nice.

Okay.

And some guy answered, and he went along with everything I said.

Nice.

Okay.

Always good.

Let's do it, then.

Okay.

Yeah, go ahead, Milkman.

What's up, man?

Hey, also, there's a number from a radical feminist that Sir Nunu sent in there.

Nunu sending a number for a radical feminist, Milkman tells me.

Oh yeah

There it is right there

We should call that too matter of fact

We'll probably do that next then

Okay let's call Dave the Hippie

You ready for Dave the Hippie

Here comes Dave the Hippie everybody

Stand by we'll be right back with

Terry Burglar and the next prank call of the night

What was that?

Hey, can you hang on to them on the other line?

Very long, it's important.

Okay, dude, I'll try.

I'm serious.

I'll hang up and call you right back if you don't come right back.

Fine, but I'll be right back, hold on.

Funny, because he's...

Okay.

He's really hippie.

I wonder, do you think he's homogenous?

Homogenous.

He sounds like him.

I think he might be.

Homogeneous.

It took forever.

What's up, dude?

Hey, are you sleeping?

I called you last night, right?

Yes, I do.

I remember.

A guy that pointed his toe in the southwest.

I did. My finger, my pinky in a south direction, yes.

Point your, yes, you pointed your pinky towards the heavens.

Yeah, well yes, but my hand was extended in a south, southward arm.

What'd that make you say?

A lot of different things, man.

Did you like it?

I did. I was pretty into it.

There's two of me now.

Why is there? How'd that happen? Is that good or bad?

I regenerated myself.

What's up? What are you up to?

I took a dump and I grew them at an ant farm.

Yeah. I eat a lot of food myself all the time.

How many ice tea do you like to eat, ma'am?

Any ice tea?

What do you like to eat, ma'am?

I like to eat, yes.

What do you like to eat?

Well, I'm a vegetarian, so I don't really eat, but I'll eat lots of stuff otherwise.

Vegetarian. Tired.

Wouldn't you?

I've never had it.

It's a great source of omega fatty acids.

I crapped a haystack once.

Hey, can you guys hang on one more second? I'm sorry.

Hey, say something.

All right, but hang out and I will.

What the hell is this guy's deal?

I don't know.

This guy's crazy.

Yeah, they'll do it.

Come back, though.

Yeah, he will.

He told me towards the heavens and recited something.

Oh, my God.

This is last night.

Hey, dude.

Ready to move on?

Yeah, okay.

How about we try one more?

Let's call it business.

Business.

You want a casino?

We got two of those, or we have a limousine dispatch, or we have a Chinese restaurant.

Limousine Dispatch, and you can be my agent, and I don't want to know who I'm going to be until I...

Okay, gotcha. Razzle Dazzle Limousine.

Hang on, everybody. Next prank call, then it's coming right up.

It's in his throat

My window's down

Gotta stop pollution

City changed

Like who was that producing

That's the plan skills

When we out and cruising

Got warrants in every city

Except Houston

But I still ain't losing

Hey, everybody, change of plans.

We're calling the feminists in Tennessee.

Thank you to Milkman for reminding me.

Hello.

Yes, hey, may I speak with Donna?

This is Donna.

Donna, hi, how you doing, honey?

Who's calling?

Donna, may I say you sound beautiful tonight.

Who's calling?

My name is Ralph,

and I heard that you're a bit of a

You lean more towards the feminist kind of mentality, is this correct?

Holy shit.

You didn't give me a chance, bitch.

Yeah, I'll try it one more time.

Sick.

You should have said that you should have, like, asked her some questions, man, and leaned into it.

He said I should have organized...

He sent you the number if you wish to call.

Hang on, I'll try it again.

Probably won't pick up now, but...

Three minutes.

Tell her you're trying to organize a women's civil rights rally.

Yeah.

Come to the phone right now, but if you lose your name and number...

Crack it. Crack it. Crack it.

Sorry, Milkman. We tried it, buddy.

You over?

Yeah. We'll have to get her next week, as I always say.

Okay, who? We were going to do the limousine, right?

Okay. Hang on, everybody.

I'm going to try the limousine once again. Hang on, folks.

I'm asking these questions. Write out who you are.

Jake? I don't know no Jake.

Where's car? Where is car?

What?

Where is car?

Where's your what?

Where is car? We wait for car.

Who's waiting for car?

Uh, me and my friend, Jake.

Oh, Mr. Jake. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I've been waiting for like an hour and a half.

You're going to act like you don't know me?

What company you call?

I think you've got the wrong company, mister.

Razzle Dazzle?

I think you're trying to play games.

No, I'm way over here.

I'm over here in Westwood.

I've got somebody over here in Westwood.

We're in Huntington Beach.

Yeah, I'm in Westwood.

Okay, so what, stupid?

I took a party to Westwood over here to retirement.

You've got the wrong company, I think.

No, I think you need to razzle dazzle your ass over here.

We have the confirmation number.

Uh, maybe by everybody tomorrow night.

I have a confirmation number, asshole.

Sure, tell me about it.

How old are you?

Seventy-three, mister.

Seventy-three years old?

Yeah.

You know, they really shouldn't let anybody drive after age sixty.

And talk on the cell phone at the same time.

Yeah, you shouldn't be in bed, old man.

I'm like forty-five, because I don't drink, I don't take drugs, I don't do shit.

So I'm better shaped and healthy than these thirty-year-old people are.

So what did you do in your life that you didn't plan enough for your retirement that you have to work at this age?

How much of a bummer are you?

I don't have to work.

You know, I get $4,000 a month retirement in the city.

So you're not retiring?

LAPD.

Well, you know, you're not supposed to be collecting that retirement if you're working.

Oh, shit.

After 70, you can make as much money as you want, even with Social Security.

I know the rules.

You're with the LAPD?

With city retirement, you can make thousands of dollars.

It don't matter.

It doesn't matter. Once you retire, they don't care what you ate.

Hey, pig.

Social Security has more strict...

Hey, pig. How long were you a pig for?

Social Security.

Social Security is stricter on that.

No, you're reaping my Social Security.

Whenever I get old, I'm not going to have shit because you're using it all up.

If you're working, asshole...

You know how much they're paying me? $96. That's all.

My city retirement, it's $4,000.

That would get me almost 180 tacos.

Yeah.

That's nothing, that $96 they're paying me.

Hey, old man.

It's 180 times.

Hey, old man.

Hey, young man.

Don't call me old man.

What did you do for the cops?

Were you a pig, or were you just like a...

Did you clean the bathrooms and shit?

No, I was payroll supervisor.

I did the whole payroll for the whole goddamn city.

Policeman and civilian.

You're a faggot.

You didn't make a change for anybody.

You didn't stand up for yourself.

You're what the problem is with America.

stood up.

I worked there 38 years.

You stood up, you fell down, broke your hip, and now you're collecting unemployment for $1,000 a month.

Now that's pension.

38 years of service.

City service.

38 years of unemployment?

You've been collecting unemployment for 38 years because you fell on your, and you broke your hip?

I never broke my hip.

My hip is in good shape.

Oh, that's what my papers say here.

Every part of my body is in good shape.

I don't know about that.

Could you father, could you father?

You know, I've never been in a hospital except one time I had my tonsils out.

Really? I bet you did.

In 73 years.

Is that what they called it back then?

What's that?

Is that what they called it back then, getting your tonsils taken out?

Yeah, I had to get them out. I had tonsillitis all the time.

I bet you did. That's what they called it back then, huh?

Getting mouth rape?

Yeah.

What do they call it now?

Herpes simplex.

We call it, yeah, herpes simplex or getting mouth rape or something.

That's what you got.

No way. No way.

What did the young people get?

You took it in the mouth from Herbert Hoover.

No way.

The hell you didn't, boy.

Were you a rough rider?

My what?

Were you a rough rider?

Rough rider?

Yeah.

I'm from the farm.

I'm a farm boy from Minnesota.

Were you all about the tariffs and the taxes?

Yeah.

Want to touch my Roosevelt?

I used to hoard cattle.

You know that?

Hoard them.

Used to what?

Hoard them.

Is that what they call it back then?

Used to milk them and herd them.

Used to milk them?

You know, we have a milkman here on our show.

You do?

He'd like to say hi to you.

Milkman, go ahead.

Yeah, buddy, what are you saying, man?

What are you saying, man?

Oh, did you ever find a demo company to work with for you?

We would need you to come here and pick us up from the airport.

You left them cigarettes here, buddy.

You got somebody else.

I got your mom.

I dug her a hole on top of her grave and I fucked it.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, I made a hole in the ground and I fucked the ground.

Hey, Grandpa.

Grandpa.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's me, Stevie.

Stevie.

Stevie is your son that you didn't claim.

Who's Stevie?

He's the son of yours that you didn't claim after the war.

Yeah, I got a nephew named Stevie, and he's a thoracic surgeon.

And he's on the line right now.

Yeah, that's me.

He makes $500,000 a year.

$250,000, $500,000.

He makes $500,000 a year as a surgeon.

I make more than that, Grandpa.

Doing what?

I'm a ralphic, ralphic surgeon.

Oh, yeah, he's ralphic.

He was general surgeon.

Now he went to school and became a thoracic.

Ralphic, ralphic.

Yeah.

Sir, I'd like to punch you in the mouth.

How's that sound?

Punch you harder because I'm a strong man.

I've worked on the farm, you know.

So 100-pound sack of potatoes, 10 high.

10 high?

Yeah.

When you sort potatoes, you had a 10 high.

10 high.

10 sacks high, huh?

Wow, 10 sacks high.

Way above your head.

100-pound sack.

You had sacks over your head?

Now that was work.

So the sacks were over your head, right?

Like they dangled over your head?

Yeah, way over your head.

10 of them?

Yeah.

Ten of them at a time?

No, ten sacks on top of each other.

Yeah, but ten sacks...

So you do what man's like in teabagging.

Yeah, you like...

I'm ten high.

Do you like teabags? Teabagging?

Oh, no, they're hundred pound bags, man.

What about tea, though? Do you drink tea? You ever drink tea?

Yeah, green tea, yeah.

Yeah? Do you ever use a teabag? Do you like the teabagging it?

Do you ever try that?

I drink a teabag, but not a douchebag.

But you took a teabag? You took a teabag in the mouth, sir?

I think what he's trying to say is, will you make love to me?

No way.

Oh, shit.

How much will it cost to turn you into a trick?

Get you to turn a trick?

How much?

How much will it get you, cost us to get you to do a trick for us?

I'd never.

I wouldn't do it for a million dollars.

What about two million?

No, maybe two million, but not one million.

Well, this is your lucky nine.

I'll give you 500.

Not even two million.

Oh, man, you're pretty...

We're guys on fire today.

No, no, we're just, you know, we're bisexual.

Jesus loves us, too.

Jesus loves us too, that's right.

Jesus loves you more than...

Jesus doesn't love you any more than he loves us.

And we're in a relationship.

You two guys are? Yeah.

Why, isn't there enough women to go around?

No, fuckin' bitches. You know how it is.

You know, bitch women with their monthlies and all that stuff.

It's just fuckin' a lot of hassle, you know what I mean?

That's only one time a month.

Yeah, one's enough. It lasts a week.

Why do women have legs?

So they don't leave the trail like a fuckin' snail.

Why don't you give us, old man, why don't you tell us a joke or a story, a good story or something like that?

I don't know of any right now. I can't think of any.

Do you have a pacemaker?

Nope.

You've got a good heart, man.

Do you have a rascal scooter?

What?

A rascal scooter.

Yeah.

I'll buy you one.

Mm-hmm.

Do you still masturbate at 70 years old?

Oh yeah, why not?

70?

What do you think about?

Do you think about like 70-year-old ladies?

What do you masturbate at 73 years old? Do you masturbate to pictures of, I don't know, Marilyn Monroe, or perhaps older?

That TV show that put on that other blonde the other night, that was a good one.

Howard Stern.

Yeah, did you see that blonde he had on the other night?

He got naked.

I never heard of Howard Stern before. Howard who? Stern?

Stern.

Never heard of him, sir.

Sounds like a nice name.

I had a radio show.

He said, all sex shit.

And what did they do?

Did they have the sex on the TV?

No, but he had this Mexican guy come up and he said,

I'll give you, would you take the lady and feel her boobs?

Or would you want $150?

And the guy said, I'll take $50.

Sounds hilarious.

I was a young kid.

And then he got an older guy.

And he said, the money don't mean nothing.

And he said, he felt her boobs.

And then she got naked, too.

And he said, we'll let you get on top of her, but only with your clothes on.

Would you take $500 or go on top of the girl?

He said, I want the girl.

Uh-huh.

This was an older guy that did that.

Were you masturbating at this point?

No.

Did you masturbate to Alex?

The young guy.

Oh, he wanted it with the money.

Was it Zolar?

What's that?

Do you know what the young guy's name was, Zolar?

Yeah, I think it was.

Well, there it is.

Zolar did it.

There it is.

Degrees of solar.

Seven degrees of solar.

All right, well, you're all right, old man.

When's the last time you masturbated?

About a week ago.

A week ago?

All right.

Do you use any special method?

You know, do you use any type of lubrication or just what?

No, not that oil.

No oil?

No baby?

It's a good hand.

All right.

It's a good hand job.

People use it whenever he is young, before they invented rubber.

Could you just say that again, please?

What's that?

Can you just say that's a good hand job again for me?

Yeah, it's a good hand job.

Is there any ink left in the old pen?

Oh, yeah. Plenty of ink.

Oh, nasty.

Is it yellow or is it white?

But you can eat lead in the pencil.

Any lead in the pencil?

Do you think you could impregnate a woman if you wanted to right now?

Oh, yeah.

All right. Super sperm, huh?

No problem.

Good. Well, good for you, old man. You sound very virile.

All right. We're going to let you go, then.

Okay, then. Bye.

Keep up with that wheat germ, Pat.

Wheat germ.

Crazy fucking old guy. What the hell was that?

Yeah, and then at the end, he wasn't even phased by the phone call.

When you were like, all right, well, we're going to go.

He was like, all right, bye.

He's like, all right, see you, bye.

He's like, whatever, dude.

Seven degrees of solar.

No, right?

Because there was solar.

That's funny.

I had to save that for solar.

That was funny.

All right, turd burglar.

That was awesome, man.

Thank you very much.

We're going to call it a night.

It's getting late.

It's almost 1.

Take care of yourself.

We'll catch you Monday night, right?

You want to throw a plug or an email address or a thing for your show?

No, just people go to www.kdkkilledeskills.com to the chat room and give me some numbers tomorrow.

There you go.

Tomorrow or Monday.

What's the name of your show?

Yeah, is it Postmortem Pranks?

Is that what it is?

Yeah, Postmortem Pranks with Turd Burglar, and it's on 9 p.m. Central Standard Time or 10 p.m. Eastern.

Okay, gotcha.

And you're going to have a call-in number.

You have a call-in number yet?

You don't take callers yet, right?

All right, you're still working on that?

No, I'm not taking callers.

I don't want to fuck with it.

I'm trying to just do pranks.

Okay, well, I might be able to hook you up with my toll-free line.

Are you going on tomorrow night?

Is that what you're doing?

Well, I was going to wait and see if tomorrow during the day

if anybody else spoke up and wanted to go on KDK or Keith or you or anybody.

Okay.

But I'll go on for sure tomorrow night.

I'm off work, so.

That's good.

Lego can't make it.

I'm sure KDK probably won't because he's doing a show Saturday.

I don't know if Keith or Zola is going to go on at 10,

so you're probably

open to do a show

yeah well you know

I'm the little man

on the totem pole

so I gotta make sure

that the fucking

path is clear

exactly

I know

but hey

so we know

we'll have a show

for sure

if anybody thinks

it's gonna be

Turd Burglar

that's not a bad deal

at all

so good deal man

good luck with that

hopefully you go on

I'll be here to help you out

awesome man

good show tonight

Carlito

I'll see you guys later

alright peace out

katykprank

katykprankcalls.com

that's right

later man

okay that was

Turd Burglar

alright thanks for

calling in

Milkman

Man, that was a pretty fucked up old man.

Do you think he really was that old?

Yeah, he sounded like he was about 50 cartons of cigarettes in.

50 cartons of cigarettes.

50 cartons of cigarettes into the grave.

Shit.

Okay, well, we're going to call it a night here, everybody.

Let's do our closing shout-outs real quick.

Let me go through the show schedule here.

Tomorrow night, normally you'll hear Dr. Lego's mental discrepancies.

Now, he's not going to be available tomorrow,

but we are sure to have a show tomorrow,

if not Terry Berglund and somebody else.

So start listening at 8 p.m. Eastern.

Well, no, he's...

Yeah, 8 p.m. Eastern.

If not, then at 10 p.m. Eastern,

Zolar will be going on for his Zolar Vision,

as normally heard here on PCU Radio.

Zolar Vision, 10 p.m. Eastern, tomorrow night,

and every Friday night here on PCU.

Saturday nights, you can catch Jupe,

who called in earlier.

Thank you, Jupe.

uh monkey phones retard night as jupe and matt and assorted others they'll be on saturday night

that is at 8 p.m eastern followed by the benevolent kdk um and his psycho babble at 10 p.m eastern

psycho babble now being on saturday nights at 10 replacing the now on hiatus uh lunatic french

we got one more caller i guess we'll put him on hang on and uh yeah turd burglars on monday

nights. Tour of Burglar Monday nights at

10 p.m. Eastern, 9 p.m. Central,

and Tuesday nights

is K-Bone. Keith the Bone.

Crazy Talk at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Wednesday nights is open.

Hi, baby. Hey, how you

doing today? What's up, man?

I'm good.

How you doing, baby? I'm good.

I'm good. I was about to end the show.

I'm assuming you want to do a prank call.

Yeah, I do. You want to call

this Chinese restaurant I got from Lonesome Loser?

Yeah, sure. Okay.

Nung Cool Restaurant in L.A.

Good luck with that.

I want a fucking dish.

I'm hungry.

Okay, good.

I understand that.

Well, bring it home for us.

This is the last prank call of the night.

It's a lot of pressure, I know.

Oh, God.

Don't screw it up.

I will, probably.

Hang on a minute.

She had long hair and a short miniskirt

I just got on stage drippin' pouring with sweat

I was walkin' through the crowd, and guess who I met?

I whispered in her ear, come to the picture booth

So I could ask you some questions to see if you're 100 proof

I asked her her name, she said blah blah blah

She had nine and a very big bra

I tripped her foot since she was enthused

I said, how do you like the huge?

She said, I was very amused

I hope they're open. It's almost 10 o'clock over there.

I'm sorry, Dad, I tried.

Hang on.

I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now because I didn't prank with you.

I'm sorry, and you can't prank tomorrow either unless you join in.

You can call in a Zolar. He'll hook you up with some prankage tomorrow.

I don't know if I'm going to...

Is there any more numbers?

Maybe I will.

Yeah. No, Milkman, we're pretty much dry on numbers right now.

We got some, but they were confirmed so long ago, I don't even want to try them.

Hey, wait a minute. Try and call back my feminist again.

Yeah, you want to try to call this feminist again?

I don't know, Milkman. It's kind of late.

Hey, it's almost 1 o'clock.

I'm going to wrap it up, man.

You want to try to call this feminist again?

We've got to put Miss Mary Menzies back on our list.

We've got to get Mary Menzies on the list for next week for sure.

Yeah, hell yeah.

We haven't talked to her in so long, dude.

What's her name?

Mary Menzies.

She's been worried about you.

Okay, Mary Menzies.

I'm sure she has.

Yeah, Mary Menzies.

Nice lady.

From the Virgin Islands, actually.

She's milkman.

Mary Menzies or something.

Yeah, she works at Milkman's.

All right, the Dead, so the Dead probably would be on tomorrow.

You won't make it, but you said you probably won't be able to call in the Zolar, you said?

I probably will, yeah.

Yeah, you probably will, of course.

All right, we're going to start.

If there's not people calling, we're going to start.

Hold on, I'm going to talk to him.

I'm going to be waiting.

I'm going to talk to him.

So, so sick.

Okay, so that's the Dead, everybody.

Thank you.

He tried in vain, but he tried indeed.

Nothing wrong with that.

Milkman, you're parting shots for the night here?

go for it all right man our buddy madman he gives us a wonderful boxing ring where everybody gets

to come in here and a big laugh yeah all these wonderful people in our chat room here provided

by madman dd brandon vegas our buddy turd burglar hashy jnf joe lifey my buddy he's

staying all night mckinney the old south beach cool though man we've got a bunch of people in

here tonight old pimple pimp bot slut there scotty slime spongebob what's up man teflon

hey there's my girl thena i hope you're doing well man glad to see you in there

the mighty tuckmeister and weed man man everybody's popular favorite thank you so much for

joining in man yes thank you give a big shout out also yes to the dr leg who provided us our voice

our wonderful stream allows us to come in and join in and tickle your ear cells there

and have some fun with y'all man but how could we do it without our benevolent benefactor

katie k that's right the phd of pcu man the guy that made all this stuff start

and gave us a shot and gives everybody on here laughs beyond belief we love you katie k can't

Can't wait to have you back on soon, man.

Looking forward to it.

And I want to thank everybody else.

Carlito, my man, my main man.

Dear Andy, we missed him tonight, but we know that he'll be back on soon, man.

Thanks so much for having me in the madhouse and giving me a party room over here in my new coconut tree.

Yay!

Sounded great.

Thank you.

Of course, thank you very much.

Thanks a lot.

Thank you for being on, Milkman.

It's always a pleasure.

Pleasure. You're the man, Milkman, the main man with the number two in his pants.

Thanks a lot, man.

A big thanks to...

Exactly, man.

A big thanks to... Your cat is going crazy back there.

A big thanks to SYNCLANS for hosting...

Are you here?

Yeah. A big thanks to SYNCLANS for hosting Milkman here online tonight.

You can see them at SYNCLANS.net.

If you happen to do any type of gaming online here on your computer, SYNCLANS.net.

also check out Burning Oath

that's the band for

my good friend Misery

who's helping hooking us up with this tonight

you can see his MySpace

that's myspace.com

forward slash

Burning Oath, Burning Oath the band

check them out, give them a gander

like I said before Milkman

thank you very much for being here tonight

it's always a pleasure, couldn't do it without you man

yeah man, I've just seen

somebody that I invited

and they messaged me and they'd like to share

I want to say hello to my buddy, Huggy Beer, way down in New Zealand.

She's in there listening tonight.

Glad to have you along.

My buddy, Morphine85, he's over there somewhere in Europe, man,

undisclosed location.

Glad to have you guys on board, man.

Thanks a lot for listening, man.

You know, it's all about you guys, PCU, the listeners, man.

We wouldn't have no reason to be here, and without you all in here,

it's all for you, man.

That's why we do this, because we love you, man.

man thanks a lot pcu man big carlito you're the man put a big bow on it yes yes again everybody

kdk as in kill death kill kdk prank calls.com and madhouse live.com thank you to everybody

who submitted numbers tonight those that we got to and those that we did not big thanks to lonesome

losers always we couldn't do it without you either um also everybody listening to us here on pcu as

the scab network as well as hits city all on the madhouse radio network thank you very much for

sticking in with us and be sure to visit our home page again as i've said all night that is madhouse

live.com email us at madhouse radio.com milkman it's been a great night we've learned a lot tonight

of course exactly man had a great time man thanks a lot for this wonderful coconut tree all right

We'll keep it up as long as we can.

Everybody, that's going to be it for the night.

Have a good weekend.

We'll catch you here next week.

Keep listening to PCU.

Spread the good word.

Be safe out there.

We'll catch you tomorrow night for the Zolar Vision show.

Calls (17, 56 min of 2 h 52 min)

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