MADHOUSE-March30th2006.060406.1

Oakman, you ready?

Okay.

You, sir.

No.

Don't sound loud at all.

Hold your ears.

We're gonna kick PCU here.

Andy, let's join us shortly.

We're getting something.

No, we're getting something.

Send me that, um, last idea for the news.

The video?

Send me all three of them in AIM, please.

Oh, the...

No, you said something about Tom DeLay.

Just send the one where that article's at.

Send all three.

He resigned yesterday.

Don't worry about it.

Just read what's on the headline.

Andy's here now.

All right.

Hello.

Andy.

Hey!

What's going on?

What are you saying, man?

I'm not saying much.

What about you?

Yeah, indeed.

All right, kick in.

Welcome back.

Three, two, one, zero.

Countdown from five.

You're good.

That works.

Sorry, I didn't have the time to do that.

This is Harry.

Who am I speaking with?

You played this last week.

Are you in charge of hiring?

I actually own the store, sir.

You own the store, so there's no Harry involved then?

No, sir.

Well, that's good.

I don't like Harry that much anyway, but regardless, I got a truck full of Chinese

people here looking for some job, and I see you guys are a sweatshop.

I thought maybe you guys were stupid.

No.

Well, you don't like Chinese people?

What's the matter with you?

What, you stick with Mexicans or something?

Should play different.

That's kind of racist, don't you think?

It's a family business.

So you have your family working in a sweatshop?

Yes, sir.

What kind of sick person are you?

You make your family sweat labor?

There's only five people on the PCU stream.

What a bastard that guy is.

He's got a sweatshop and he makes his...

Why is it down?

I'm going to try to call him back.

PCU's down.

You shut up, mill man.

I'm fucking out there.

Hey, how you doing, Harry?

Harry, why'd you hang up on me?

You should get it to not be...

First of all, my name's not Harry, sir.

What can I do to help you?

Well, I need to find out, number one,

Keith, Jim, Bob, whatever your name is,

what type of man in America

would dare run a sweatshop right under our noses

to pick up the phone right now?

That's the name of the store.

I think when I farted in it,

you would have had a gas rash.

No, I had sperm flying out of your ass.

It might have overlaid the circuit.

You just crossed the street.

No, no, no. I say that for you, man.

Special cocktail mixer.

I don't have time for your bullshit.

Actually, the stream is down.

No, man, the stream is down.

It's not even coming back up.

I kicked it.

No, man, what do you think we should do?

You're listening to my podcast.

Oh, jeez.

Uh, KDK on?

I'm not in the chat room right now.

I can call KDK right now.

Okay, well, you're sure it's up, man, right?

I'm not in the chat room.

Now that I have a password, though, they get in.

Stream up.

It's the government.

They're shutting us down because you're anti-American.

No, no, seriously, man, this is not stream.

stream okay he's gonna answer in a minute he's gonna be all flippy if i ain't got straight words

hello anybody there hello okay um this is milkman uh we're sitting here uh we're all set to go and

we're not getting anything on the stream carlito has messaged me saying that stream is down over

there kdk mission control central systems are activated and go here got lego's number can

you call lego yeah i mean he's more in charge of that i know that's what i'll call it i talked

last night stream is completely down right now all right let me call lego because lego's been

fucking around doing a bunch of shit you tell me he's been busy as hell probably won't answer yeah

well that's all right i've got about five numbers to pick we're going to start with number one

his main number yeah this joe's massage yeah man i'd like to i'd like to find out if i get a um

a uh gluteus maximus massage please jesus yeah but listen man we're ready to go on the air and

and there's no stream.

All right.

Text support.

We're on HitCity, though,

Milkman.

You got done flirting.

Say hi to HitCity.

I'm just finding out.

Hello to everybody listening.

Hey, HitCity.

Hello, all 22 listeners

on HitCity.

We're going to bring

a hit to you tonight.

Okay, the stream for PCU

is down.

Carlito cannot get

into the stream.

He said there's not

a stream showing up.

Dr. Lego's trying

to help us out.

Can Lego hear us, Milkman?

And I did try

to contact Katie K.

Well, we're ready

to go on.

We're on air.

It's our time

to go on our show,

and it's past time and we're ready to go on.

It's dead. D-E-D dead.

So hi to everybody in HitCity

for having some technical difficulties.

Yes, it's so changed.

I'm telling you, it's down.

Listen, Carlito, you can hear what he's saying.

He said it's down. It's up.

And Carlito's telling me it's down.

Oh, it just came up now.

It just came up right now on our end.

I fixed it.

No, no, he just said it just came up.

We just got it up right now.

I don't know, man.

It's working, dude. Tell Lego thank you.

Tell them to call in tonight.

Okay, we're in, man, bro.

So thanks a lot, man.

Come on over and join in the calamity and give us a call later.

Damn it.

God damn it, to the end of that sentence.

God damn it.

You know, we love you, Legos.

Even though you're the biggest ass on this whole network, you have the best stories.

I got to tell you.

No, man, yours is a kick-ass, man.

Kiss-ass, not kick-ass.

I didn't say that.

Oh, my God.

Don't get me on there again.

I'll never hear the end of it.

Okay.

All right.

Peace out, bro, man.

Thanks a lot, man.

And the damn phone call.

Stop it.

Shut up.

Shut up your mouth.

Go to your mouth.

Okay.

Why?

Because it's Puerto Rican.

What happened?

Here we go.

She's not even answering yet, you asshole.

She's in the Mile High Club right now.

No, she's not in the Mile High Club right now.

She's currently in the Loud in the Mile High Club.

She's not in the Mile High Club.

Okay.

Sorry, phone call, please.

Please, and the phone call.

Come to call him later, Milkman.

Hey, Carlos just had a heart attack, man.

He's spluttering now, man.

We better let him go.

I think he's going to pass out here.

He's a man.

You're going to hang up.

You're fired.

All right, you got him up and going, man.

Thanks a lot, bro.

We got CPR here.

We got some vital signs.

Thanks a lot.

Continue.

I'll tell him to pull his shorts out.

No problem.

Take care.

Peace.

All right.

Thank you, Milkman.

That was our wonderful Dr. Lego.

Thank you for that wonderful idea that you put into my head.

Thank you.

And Andy, for saying that Athena's joined the Mile High Club.

Yeah, Mile High Club, every orifice.

I appreciate that.

Even in between her big toe and her seven toe.

Mo-how.

Let's start the show proper.

Hang on.

Late.

All right, go ahead.

We'll be right back, everybody.

Hit City, thank you for joining us.

And PC, we have you on board now.

We'll be starting the show right now.

Andy's favorite program.

You're listening to Madhouse Radio with Carlito, Bill Maughan, and I'm psychic Andy.

Thursday. Today is Thursday.

God to God. Which one?

The bird. Perhaps not.

When he decides to announce it to the Lord, he is mad.

They'll knock him off. We'll have the Republic back.

My friend, this could be the best thing that ever happened.

For those who believe, life here, again out there,

are across the universe tribes of humans may have been the forefathers of the egyptians

waltex or the mayans that they may have been the architects of the great is an exclusive of

pcu radio and madhouse live.com flight controllers listen up give me a go no go for launch booster

I know drug real from real real.

Chris, I taste real today.

First of all, um...

What's the name I can call you?

Why don't you shut the hell, why don't you shut the hell up?

FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU FUCKING PIGGERS!

Maybe he's only a little crazy, like painters, or composers, or some of those men in Washington.

You son of a bitch, speak English, American.

Yeah, you son of a bitch, you motherfucking, you are, I'm gonna speak in Spanish.

I know, you speak, you speak English, I see.

You motherfucking, you motherfucking.

I go ahead, man.

Motherfucker, you.

You bitch.

Don't never.

I'm punching him out.

Don't ever call a gang to be boring, man.

Mow my lawn.

You motherfucker.

Why are you so angry?

Where's my squalor?

I'm gonna fuck you, man.

We're so high right now.

We're not low.

We eat every day.

And I'm your butcher for y'all.

Put your money in the nap.

Dirty 50 rap.

Good evening.

Good evening, everybody.

Good evening.

Hello.

Okay, good.

It's working.

You're listening to The Madhouse.

We're here late, of course.

What else do you expect, right, Andy?

Yeah, fucked up as usual.

Yeah, he's fucked up as usual.

Oh, the F word.

Okay, that's your first one of the night.

Who said that?

You said the F word.

I told you.

I know.

Okay, so you're listening to The Madhouse.

It's April 6th, Thursday, 1027 p.m.

We're only a half hour late, but we're on live.

And welcome.

Thank you for doing so.

Here in the studio with me, I have Andy.

What's up, Andy?

How are you doing tonight?

I'm pretty good, Carlito.

How are you, buddy?

I'm good.

Great.

And, of course, Milkman joining us courtesy of SinkLens.net.

Milkman from the Virgin Islands.

What's up, man?

How you doing?

Hey, howdy, bro, man.

I'm doing good, man.

Sounding good over here, man, up in the coconut tree.

You got to love the coconut tree, huh?

You got it, man.

That's where you're staying now, Milkman, in a coconut tree?

He lives in the coconut tree.

No, I have to climb up there just so I can get into the satellite.

See, I'm using a banana phone.

Ring, ring, ring.

Banana phone.

And you're listening to us on the Madhouse Radio Network.

The Madhouse Radio Network, that is.

Excuse me.

Madhouse Radio Network, our flagstick-shaping.

Our flagship station is kdkprankcalls.com.

KDK as in kill, death, kill.

kdkprankcalls.com.

You're also being heard.

Rather, you're also hearing us exclusively in stereo on Hit City.

Hit City, which as always, guess what I forgot, Andy?

You forgot the address.

I forgot the address to HitCity.

Because you're stupid.

I am stupid, but guess what?

U-R-L, Jackson Round.

It is HitCity.Aim-Planet.com.

There it is.

See, I didn't forget.

I think that's right.

Yay!

HitCity.

Yeah, HitCity.Aim-Planet.com.

HitCity playing your hit music.

What else can you say?

That's a great intro right there.

Hang on.

HitCity playing all your hits from yesterday and today.

Now, if every city doesn't have a station that says that, I'll be damned.

I'll eat my hat tonight.

It's true.

We have about three in Orlando.

Maybe that's it.

We had some yesterday and today.

Orlando's not known for its music scene.

No, it's not.

Unless you like hardcore death metal.

Or pop music.

90s pop music.

Pretty much Orlando is hardcore death metal or 98 Degrees.

98 Degrees.

And Disney.

Disney.

Radio Disney, which is one of the biggest radio networks out there.

Is it?

Yeah, from what I understand, they're one of the most successful.

I don't listen to that.

You know what's big in regular radio now?

It's like Radio Disney's big, Spanish stations are big,

and Christian rock stations are big, supposedly.

Country used to be really big.

Speaking of big radio, can you give me an update on the round table,

the Superfine round table from tonight?

Maybe Zolar can call in and tell us.

Why would we tell you anything?

I recorded it, but I didn't isolate anything Zolar talked about.

Some people were talking shit to Zolar, and he handled himself well.

Well, there was a stuck-up bitch in the studio.

I don't know who that bitch was.

You ever listen to that, Andy?

I don't know, but Zohar slapped her down good.

Oh, you were hearing that?

I was broadcasting that for you, remember, and two other people were listening to it on my personal stream.

I don't know what you're talking about, man.

I have not a clue.

I did not break the law.

How's that beer, Andy?

Pretty good.

Hell no.

Andy, Milkman, make a decision.

What's a better beer to you?

If I were to offer you a beer right now, McLobe Light or Ice House, what would you drink?

Well, depending on what you're drinking, I would probably choose what you're drinking.

But if I had to prefer on an out and run, I'd say Ice House.

Yeah, because you're a man, not a girl.

I don't get it.

Well, I like the alcohol content, too.

Yeah, well, I drink to get drunk.

I don't like the taste.

I don't like the taste of anything.

Such Americans.

If child-covered peanuts got me drunk, I would go nuts on them, but they don't.

So every once in a while, I drink some Ice House.

What if salad got you drunk?

I'd probably still have a beer.

But, you know, my favorite, okay, you know, my all-time favorite is Beck's Dark.

That's good.

And also as a backup, Newcastle Ale.

Yeah, I'm not a big fan of that.

That's that English stuff.

Isn't it like syrup?

Yeah.

English and German.

Yeah, Newcastle Ale.

I don't like English beer at all, no, man.

Yeah.

I think it's terrible.

You didn't hear much of English.

Okay, the Ale I like.

Ale?

Yeah, Ale's good.

Like, I like Yingling.

That's a good beer.

It's decent, I guess.

Yingling Light's pretty good, too.

We should try it.

I don't like beer from St. Louis either.

St. Louis?

Yeah.

Okay.

I hate the whole city.

Well, you don't get it here.

I hate the whole city.

You don't get Budweiser there?

You get a lot of European stuff.

Yeah, see, that'd be nice to live someplace where they don't have it.

Yeah, we get Plank Road and we get all the Pilsner stuff.

You get Budweiser.

We just don't get anything other than European beer.

Budweiser's nice.

Budweiser's everywhere.

You get Budweiser.

I hate Budweiser.

Budweiser gives you the shits.

Of course.

All the time.

They call it Bud down there, I'm sure.

It's awful.

That whole city is full of chow molesters.

Yeah, but you know what?

They have Cruisin' Rum is good.

It's cheap, and it's good rum.

Cruisin' Rum from St. Croix.

Right there where you're from.

Oh, man.

Yeah, matter of fact.

St. Croix, man.

St. Croix, I mean.

That stuff tastes great.

Yeah, Cruisin' Rum is really good.

You're looking for something nice and clean?

Yeah.

No hangover?

That's the stuff, Cruisin' Rum.

That's right.

I learned that on my cruise.

I bought a huge bottle of that for five bucks,

and that's what I drank for the rest of the cruise

for the last three days of my cruise.

It's like eight bucks for like a drink on the fucking cruise.

Andy, a beer is like five bucks.

That's why I don't go on cruises.

And then you get raped and thrown overboard.

Yeah, you take that risk too.

I'm not going on anything where there's not American citizens running the show.

You can't.

Yeah, they're like Norwegian and stuff, right?

They're Al-Qaeda.

Al-Qaeda.

Remember when they used to say Al-Qaeda has a fleet of ships that they've hijacked?

Do it.

They always say that every year that comes out, Al-Qaeda's flight hijacked a fleet of ships.

It's like, okay.

Al-Qaeda don't have a ship, man.

Can you imagine that shit right there?

No man doesn't even believe Al-Qaeda is real.

Well, Billy, Dr. Lego is calling us pussies.

I don't know why.

What the hell is his problem?

I think they're in cahoots.

I'll punch him in the ass.

Oh, he's with Al-Qaeda.

He is.

That bastard.

Dan Caduce on AIM is giving me a number for some dude named Larry.

Well, wow.

Larry.

Andy, we should call Larry.

Yeah.

We should call Larry right now.

Let's call Larry.

All right?

Tell Larry what he's up to.

Let's see what Larry's up to.

Let's talk to Larry.

Hey, I want to say a quick shout out.

Oh, no.

Milkman, go ahead and do your shout-outs while we set up this prank call.

Yeah, man.

I want to say hello to everybody in the chat room.

Our chat room is filling up.

Everybody, Tuck, Matt, everybody in there I can see.

Saigon, oh, my God, Nunu.

Everybody, hello, man.

Welcome to the show.

Everybody over there on Hit City, come on over and check us out.

KDKprankcalls.com.

That's right.

And join on the chat link, man.

We'd be glad to have you, man.

Hey.

Come over and have a good laugh.

You're going to have all these.

I've got a couple friends overseas there I'd like to say hello to.

Philippines down under.

Australia, New Zealand, hello out there, Irma, Lilac, everybody else, Lifey, Ellie, if you're listening, God bless you, we love you, we all love you, and we'd love to have you back.

Back to you, Carlito.

Look

at the TV on. It's blasting.

and that Penn and Teller show.

You have reached...

Hi, you've reached Larry Caduce.

I can't see your call right now.

Leave me a message after the tone.

Thank you.

Larry Caduce.

Please leave your message after the tone

or press 1 to enter a telephone number

or a short message.

Hey, Larry, how you doing?

Your friend wanted us to give you a call tonight

and say hey.

So here we are, guy.

So when you get a chance, call us back.

888-278-8509.

That's toll-free, silly.

Bye.

There's Larry for everybody.

Larry, everybody.

What about that?

What do you think about that, Milkman?

That sounded pretty fruity to me, man.

Yeah.

Whoever sent that in, man, definitely got a fruit friend.

You know, Milkman, there's nothing gayer than a man named Larry.

Well, I don't know, man.

I don't like any of them Larrys.

I don't trust any of them.

Yeah, fuck them Larrys, right?

No, I think you ought to wear a bucket over your head

and have their bucket full of milk right afterwards.

Andy, what do you think about people named Larry?

I like Larry.

You don't mind Larry?

No.

You don't mind a Larry?

Huh.

What's wrong with Larry?

I don't know.

It's kind of a funny name, you know?

Larry.

It makes you do ugly stuff.

It is a scary name.

Larry the Scary the Dictionary.

That's the guy I used in school.

I called him that all the time.

Everybody look in the mirror and say the word Larry.

The name Larry, and you'll see what makes you do ugly stuff with your mouth.

That's an ugly, ugly name.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Milkman.

I don't mean to offend anybody you know.

That's all right, man.

If your teeth are so stanky that they duck out of the way, that means a brush your teeth.

Well, Lord Spoon has noticed something.

Lord Spoon has noticed that 4-20, April the 20th, Hitler's birthday is on Thursday this year.

What are we going to do?

Oh, we definitely have to celebrate Hitler's birthday.

Most definitely.

Yeah, we're going to goose step.

We're going to goose step.

We'll have plenty of Hitler quotes.

Yeah.

We'll read Mein Kampf.

Mein Kampf in the original German.

Andy, you are German.

No, I'm not.

You're half German.

No.

Milkman's German.

I'm Scottish.

Don't even say I'm German.

Milkman's Japanese.

I'm German.

Milkman, you were born in Japan, right?

You were born in Japan?

Yeah, man.

You ain't going to believe this, man.

I'm Heinz 57.

Part Japanese.

I'm part German, man.

I got a German last name.

Also Scottish, Irish, Cherokee, Indian.

Oh, come on.

Yeah.

Milkman, you're like those black people who always pretend they're Indian.

You're not Indian, dude.

There's no Indians left.

There's like eight of them in Arizona, dude.

You're not Indian.

Nah, man.

Not my great-grandma was Cherokee.

So, I don't make you Cherokee.

You don't know how to shoot a bow and arrow.

Of course he does.

Oh, Jesus.

You don't know how to drive a sled.

Can you make an igloo?

Of course I can.

I've done all of them.

It's best if you pee on the snow, though, and then that way it turns into a yellow igloo.

Yeah, and yellow's so out these days.

Who want a yellow igloo?

Well, then.

I like a red igloo.

Lame.

Anyway, Matt from Monkey Phone.

Matt is telling me that he killed a bug and I shot a bad smell at him.

Andy, has anything ever happened like that to you?

Yeah, it actually has happened all the time.

You know those palmetto stink bugs that they shoot out that stink out of their ass when you chase them?

Well, this one time I was holding a lighter up to one, and it held it right by its ass.

Did it flame?

It flamed, and it burnt it.

That's tight.

It caught on fire, and it ran under my computer desk, and I freaked out.

You know what it was?

It was incense, actually.

I lit the incense, and it held it up to its ass, and it started running, and it shot the stink,

and it went like that, and it half burnt them, and it was crawling just on his arms,

and his legs were all burnt up.

but you couldn't use them.

That's horrible.

Did you step on it

but it was memory?

I picked them up

with a napkin

and I flushed them out.

Do bugs need to breathe?

I never knew.

I don't know.

We should find out.

Of course they do.

How do they breathe?

Do they have mouths?

Can you drown an ant?

Yeah.

No, they don't breathe

through their mouths.

They got holes

in their legs, man.

Bullshit.

So you cut your legs?

It's a weird thing,

but yeah.

Milkman Headroom,

everybody.

Catch the wave.

You know Coke just came out with something called

They have a hollow skeleton

Well fuck them anyway

You know that

There's my other F-bomb for the night

I only get four of them

We're trying to watch the language

But I'm too used to cursing

That's two of them yeah

Yeah

Naughty boy

Do you know that Coca-Cola

I didn't even ding out the first one

Andy hang on

Andy do you know that Coca-Cola came out with

Something called Black BLAK

Do you know what that would be

You know what they mix together with Coke

What would you think

Grape soda

No

No.

Use your head.

What two products would they mix together right now?

That's hot right now.

Who's it for?

Black people drink it?

Is that why it's called black?

B-L-A-K.

No.

Not for black.

Black people can drink it.

Probably like an energy drink.

It's like Coke and Red Bull.

Close.

Coke and cocaine.

Coffee.

Oh.

Coke and coffee.

It's called Coke Black, I believe, with a K at the end.

Who would drink that?

I don't know.

I can't find that tasting good.

I don't like Kahlua.

I don't think people drink soda, period.

Do you like Kahlua?

Have you ever drank it?

I thought that was like Kronk or something.

Kronk?

No, Kronk is when you get Kronked and you're partying real hard, man.

That's when you get drunk.

I'm talking about a drink that came out by Coke.

Get Kronked.

But they got some kind of a name called Kronk.

Juice?

It is a drink.

Is it really?

I guess.

I don't know shit.

I don't know.

I ain't down to get it.

Holy fuck ass.

Hey, Zolar wants to call in.

He knows my numbers.

It shows you how much Zolar cares about us.

Oh, he wants the number.

Oh, that's what he's asking me.

Andy, you don't know about this.

All right.

We're supposed to fight this weekend, me and Zolar.

Yeah, he's in the show.

He's just going to fly down here.

He's scared.

He's going to beat you with a bag full of nickels?

No, but we decided on pennies.

Pennies, okay.

Pennies don't cut the faces much.

Is the 800 number up?

No, not yet.

Did you get my notice on who I wanted to see if we could get to call in as an exclusive?

Yes, I did notice that.

I even mentioned it and said hello to them.

Okay, well, good.

I don't think you know what I'm talking about.

I don't pay attention.

Of course I do.

I got it.

Oh, it's Larry calling in.

Is Larry calling back?

As she says, his cronk is an energy drink, Milkman.

He practiced.

He called me to a milkman.

Okay, anyway.

He called us milkman.

Cronk is an energy drink.

I think I've seen it for sale in Spencer's gift store.

I know it was a big Negro thing, so I don't know.

I didn't drink it, but I've heard about it.

I like to cover them with cronk before I burn them at the stake.

Hang on, Milkman.

Can you say the N-word for us?

Negro.

No, no, no.

The real N-word.

For our file.

Say it like you mean it.

Come on.

No, really, you can say it.

It's okay.

Nigerian.

Andy, what do you say?

No, I don't know.

Nigerian.

Well, I was like, I'll say it.

But I've had permission before, so.

You've had permission?

Yeah, I don't like, I don't hang out with like, I used to hang out with a bunch of like

black guys, but.

Can me and Andy and Bookman play a joke on Jonathan's cousin who likes making fart noises?

Wow.

Boy, make some farts for us, boy.

That's a stinker.

Madhouse, you're on the air.

Yo, it's Zolar.

What's up, Zolar? Good evening. How are you, sir?

Hey, Zolar.

What's up?

What's happening, Andy? How you doing, Milkman?

Andy.

Yay, Zolar.

This is Andy, and how you doing, Milkman?

Good.

I'll be in town Saturday. We're going to shoot that fight between me and you.

Are you really going to be here?

No, you're scared.

Are you serious?

No, Andy's scared.

No, I'm not. I wasn't going to clean the leaves out of my yard, but I could take time out.

No, no.

As a matter of fact, I'm not even going to have a submission for the fucking film festival.

Oh, no.

It doesn't matter anyway, because I'm not able to participate.

How come?

I don't know.

Some stipulation.

What, did you get a job there?

Something that keeps me from actually winning.

But anyway, so you heard the show tonight?

Oh, I see.

Yeah, I know what's going on.

But they don't pay him for that, do they?

I heard it.

I actually am.

Yeah, tell us about the show, Zolar.

Yeah, tell us about the show, Milkman.

I listen to it.

I actually broadcasted it to two other people.

Milkman heard it, the whole thing.

And I think one other person did

I was putting it on my stream

And I know that's probably not right to say

But anyway, I heard it

It was good

What's up with the bitch with the attitude with you all night, man?

Yeah, she's got an attitude

She was on the original show that I first went on

And I guess I didn't pay her any attention

And now, you know, there was another girl there

With like double D knockers

And I was paying more attention to her

Or looking in her direction

And I never looked at this girl

And being that the one with the hot tits weren't there today

This one was the only girl in the room

and she figured, fuck it, now that I'm the only thing to look at,

you're not even going to get to fucking have my attention.

Good.

She's jealous in his words.

She's a hateful, typical hateful bitch.

She got real cunty.

She did.

She was very cunty.

I did detect a slight hinge of cunt to her voice.

Yeah, so speaking of the word cunty,

that was brought to us by Alexis Stewart on the Howard Stern Show one day.

Okay.

She uses that to describe people.

She invented that.

Cunty?

Yeah.

No one ever said that before.

Yeah.

What was the other word?

There was a shunt?

It was a shunt?

There was some word they made up once.

A gunt.

Gunt.

Oh, that's old.

Okay.

That was like...

That's why a girl's fat and, like, her cunt and her gut just form one huge area that you

have to, like, knead and try to get into.

A shunt, though, was a shitty cunt, I thought.

That was right when they started it on.

Okay, that might be new.

That was, like, maybe two months ago or something like that.

Anyway, that was already who started that, I think.

The reason why I brought up Alexis Stewart was because I got to the Sirius Satellite building early.

Oh, you feel the back?

Well, let me show you the story.

Oh, okay.

I get to the building early, and I get upstairs where the studios are all, you know, enclosed in glass.

You could see inside, like, shady 54.

45, I think it is.

I think it's 45, yeah.

Yeah.

You know, and, like, you could see all the niggas hanging out doing their broadcast and shit and hip-hop fucking.

So I walk around.

What?

One guy had a big jacket on with the emblem, it said the letter Y,

and then underneath it said, yeah, yo.

They don't use those curtains anymore?

I heard they used to curtain up the windows so you couldn't see through sometimes.

Yeah, yeah, he did, but, you know, the curtains were open.

The window, we could actually look right in by the door.

Oh, okay. All right. That's cool.

But anyway, but Alexis Stewart is what I was talking about.

That was shady, 45, where the curtains were up.

Alexis doesn't have any curtains up.

So I'm standing outside Alexis Stewart's studio, and I pull out my DVD cam, and I start, you know, taping through the window.

You can't hear the audio, but I'm talking to the camera.

I'm saying, this is the famous Alexis Stewart, and there's, you know, blah, blah, blah.

And all of a sudden, like, I'm looking at the fucking camera and what I'm taking a picture of,

and I see her sidekick, Jen, or Jennifer, or whatever her name is, right into the camera.

And she looks back at Alexis, and Alexis sticks her finger up without even turning her head towards the camera

and gives me the finger what a cunt and i was like you but they're very disturbed by the fact

that i'm videotaping so now because they cut their finger up i'm gonna stand there and then

you peel the back you peel the back all right she goes and gives me the hey wait a minute don't go

anywhere fucking sign with her finger through the window and um i stopped and i fucking said uh

okay and i walk up to the door and she opens the door and she says come in here who are you she

she says to me.

I said, I'm Zola.

She goes, Zola?

What the fuck is that?

I'm like, oh my God,

are you going to bite my head off?

She goes, I don't like anybody

taking my picture.

Let me see that camera.

Really?

And I was like, yeah.

I said, don't break it.

It cost me a grand.

And she was like,

I'm going to keep this camera,

she says,

and I'll have somebody

give you $1,000.

Are you kidding?

You didn't really do it, though,

did you?

So then you bashed your skull flat, right?

I said to her,

I said, listen,

in lieu of me slapping you

in the face

and just taking it back

and walking away,

I'm gonna laugh, and then you all laugh too, and we'll make this a joke.

Who goes, who did you say you are? I said I'm Zola.

Well, I'm a voiceover artist. You'll hear me on the Howard Stern show, and tonight I'm doing the round table.

She goes, take your camera, Zola, she says, and go away.

What? What is it?

I want you out of my studio.

Her studio? She doesn't want to actually go in there.

The fuck is she talking about? Her studio.

It is her studio, but she invited me in, and then she threw me out.

Oh, okay.

Oh, that's rude.

Oh, I see.

Is she like a stripper or something?

What does she do exactly?

I should know this.

Maybe.

I don't know.

Alexis Stewart.

I'm sorry.

Alexis Stewart is Martha Stewart's daughter.

Oh, that bitch.

That's right.

I heard she's a bitch to people there.

That's right.

She gets that natural.

She's a billionaire.

Oh, okay.

So she did.

Oh, really?

Man, what a bitch.

And she's got her own studio.

It's a beautiful setup.

That's right.

Okay, I know what you're talking about now.

Holy crap.

She gave me the old Eve Holland threw me out, and I called her a cunt.

I like that.

That's good, man.

She is ugly as a mother.

Malcolm wants to know if she's as ugly as her mother.

Yeah, she's a gruesome fucking woman.

Gruesome.

She's very tall and, like, stocky.

Oak Man is laughing.

I would have mushed her, man.

If she got in my face, that would have been a mushing.

Yeah.

I told her.

I said, in lieu of me slapping you, taking the camera and walking out, let's all laugh.

I don't know.

I believe you're joking.

I don't laugh.

That leaves a mark.

I mush.

Yeah.

Because when you mush the girl, you can throw her halfway across the room.

And anything happens to her after she leaves your palm ain't your fault.

You know, all you do is push.

Yeah, because they can take measurements with the palm.

You can't prove that I put my hand on her.

It's funny you said that, dude, because one time my ex-girlfriend showed up at my apartment building,

and my girlfriend and I were fighting in the hallway.

Oh, that's hot.

And I went out and I mushed the fucking ex-girlfriend so hard,

swear to God on my mother,

She flew down the stairs

That wasn't your fault though

No she deserved that

I thought she was dead

She was all twisted at the bottom of the staircase

She woke up and you started cutting her arms and legs off right?

No no

She was so drunk that she didn't even really feel it

She asked how she got down there

And I was like you tripped baby

You jumped

It was funny

So anyway now you tell me about the show somebody

Because I didn't hear it I was on it

I've got it I can send it to you later tonight

Not, I recorded it by putting it on.

It's good.

Yeah, there was some talk of you being sidekicking for...

Moving 90 miles an hour.

Who's the new guy that they got on there with the voice that sounds like Steve-O?

It's not Steve-O.

You know what I'm talking about?

Who is it?

Pharrell.

Yeah, yeah.

So there's talk of you co-hosting that and whether or not it'd be feasible.

I heard of that being bounced off, but that bitch kept tearing into you all the time.

You know, Munt seemed to be cool with you and everything,

thing and i heard them they refer to you as the new king of all blacks i heard that yeah well

they fucking they kind of got a hate love thing going for me there once again no no plug for kdk

prank house now be honest try if you can be honest with me about this have they told you don't plug

that website just plug zolar.com because no no no no they actually they actually said you know

like if you could slip it in you know fucking go ahead but don't make it a point to keep repeating

anything in particular you know i'll be here just to fucking plug whatever it is you're here for

So I tried to say it

Because I told Mud

I said it would be better

If you mention it

And he was like

Oh save it for your show

On Friday night

And he didn't mention

Where it was

So I went on PCU

That went over a lot

But who the fuck

Is going to be able

To find that

Exactly

By P-Edit

And they're not going to know

Well all in due time

If you ever get a chance

And then at one point

I said you know

Right before the end

Of the show

While they were just

About to go out

On the credits

I was like

Visit Zohua.com

Yeah I heard that

I heard Artie

Talking about you

And shit

That was pretty cool

He was saying

And what's up to you

That was pretty cool to hear

So there's

I don't know if EarthDog

EarthDog had to record it

But if he did

He's got plenty of stuff

He can do for a promo for you

I was thinking

That would be cool yeah

Yeah

So most definitely

It was good

So you're going to be on again

In two weeks

Is that how it works out now

Is that what

Well you know

It depends

Because I think they have

Some specific things

They want King of All Blacks for

So I think there's

Two in a row coming

That he's going to be doing

Okay

And then you perhaps

Will be back in the studio again

Yeah you know what dude

i have no idea and the funny thing is is like you know that whole show went on it was great

to be a part of that and then before the show i met alexis stewart and called her a cunt and

it was cool for me because i dig that shit and fucking right afterwards fucking tim fabian comes

into the fucking studio right and walks right up to me and he goes zola nice to meet you and i'm

like wow tim fabian how are you you know fucking he's like the the head honcho down there he's a

program director for the station right his goal he tells whoever goes on the air they go on the

yeah or not he's a man he makes all the moves and so he says so you got this uh zola vision

thing going on what do you do four hours on the internet and almost no stopping whatsoever and i

was like yeah he goes well i've been hearing some good things about it i said well i mean you know

i mean i hope you like it i'd like to do it here at fucking serious he says well we're thinking

about opening up the next channel 102 oh seriously oh yeah dude and he goes let's talk about it and

And fucking takes me out of the studio and walks me into Howard Stern's private studio where Howard Stern does not like anybody there.

Wow.

Yeah, and I'm like, you mind if I fucking videotape the inside of the studio?

And he was like, no, go ahead, take out your camera.

And I was like, thanks.

He gave me like free reign of the studio.

I could have went and like sat in Howard's chair, anything I wanted.

Wow.

Yeah, and he was like, so fucking, you know, what's your goal in life?

And I was like, well, you know, geez, I would love to be fucking, you know, on the radio and this and that and the other thing.

I said, but right now I'm just trying to keep my name relevant.

Right.

And he goes, oh, you're relevant in my mind anyway.

He says, I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you and don't get, you know, discouraged if, you know, things don't happen as fast as you'd like it.

You know, this place has only been running for about four months now, he says, and we've got millions of things going on.

And we'd love to accommodate everybody we could, but everything's going to take its process.

And he started giving me all this fucking pep talk.

Well, that's good.

And I'm like, holy shit, man, the fucking program director's talking to me.

Yeah, that's awesome.

You know, so it was all cool.

And then he takes me back to his private office, and he asked me for oral.

I gave it to him, and he gave me a hat.

Oh, I knew that was coming.

You're gay.

No, but he gave me a hat, and then I took hands, and I left.

You got a hat?

Yeah, he gave me a fat hat, dude.

A fat hat?

No, what did it say?

Does it have the fist on it?

The Howard fist?

No, it's got the little dog with the star in his eye, and on the back it says, serious.

Oh, okay.

They'll give you a serious ad.

Okay, well, that's good.

I'd feel confident.

I'd be really excited right now, man,

because it sounds like they're going to need to fill some time, you know, on another station.

I guess 100th is going to keep replaying the Stern Show and News every day, right?

Yeah, they're going to keep it that way.

Not long after that, they're going to have the Milkman Show.

The Milkman Show coming soon.

Hey, it's the Milkman Hour.

I wouldn't be surprised.

I'm going to do my music.

Did you get me to tell that girl to shut the fuck up?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I heard that.

I'm going to put that in my iPod and try to listen to it again.

It was really cool, man.

That's a really good story, too.

Damn, man.

So you talked to Sabian and you got to tell off Alexis Stewart, right?

Is that correct?

Yeah, and I got the fucking personal insights.

I was in Howard's studio while he was on the air.

I was part of the audience for the roast and this and that and the other thing.

But I've never been in there where I had full reign to walk up to the bar

and check out the Jaeger machine and everything.

Okay.

I didn't know there was a Jaeger machine.

I know there was a bar.

I didn't know about the Jaeger machine, though.

Yeah, they have a fucking machine that looks like it would, like, be a compressor for, like, you know, a tire company.

And it shoots out fucking ice-cold Jaeger.

Oh, I've seen that.

It's got the upset down Jaeger bottles on it, like three of them, I think, stacked.

Yeah, three of them, exactly.

Yeah, I've seen those in bars.

Yeah, it keeps it, like, right by the freezing point.

You know, like, as cold as it can get to drink Jaeger.

You just have to drink Jaeger as cold as possible, and it's, yeah.

You can't freeze Jaeger.

I tried it already.

You can't freeze it.

Well, out there, I was at a bar once.

It was outside on the deck in Daytona Beach,

and they said that, like, on the coldest night of the year,

it started, like, it turned into kind of like a slush.

That's as cold as it ever got.

Yeah, yeah.

And it was, like, out extreme right by the beach

with, like, super freezing cold wind from the beach blowing in on it.

Wow.

And the guy told me that's the coldest it's ever gotten here

is, like, it actually turned into a slush.

And that's amazing because Jaeger doesn't freeze.

It's like, wow, okay.

That's interesting.

Anyway, we've been bullshitting for a while, so hey, you wanna do a prank call here before we continue on?

I got a bunch of numbers here from Lonesome Loser in the chatroom.

Oh, well, you guys, uh, you know, have plenty of people there with Milkman and fucking Mandy.

Yeah, I think, yeah, okay.

I say Mandy.

They probably thought you said Mandy.

Mandy.

I never said Mandy. I said Andy.

This is his horrible accent. He's from New York. He can't speak English. They got their own language.

Yeah, they got their own fucking language and culture out there.

Hey, guy.

You can tell the New York people come down here if you tell them right apart.

Hey, man, May 5th, I'm going to be up north.

Maybe I'll be able to catch you up there that Friday if I fly in early enough.

Actually, I'm flying in in the morning.

I'll see if the old lady will let me take a trip up there to New York.

Maybe I can sit in on your show or something like that.

That'd be kind of cool.

I'll have to see if there's time.

Oh, yeah, an open invite for you, my friend.

I'll accommodate you.

She's on a plane right now on her way to Amsterdam, dude.

Can you believe that shit?

Yeah, does she smoke?

Yeah, she does.

Yeah, she smokes with me.

I mean, she doesn't smoke, like, she's not a constant smoker like me,

but she smokes, you know, several times a week with me and stuff.

She joins me.

I would go, and I'd go for the shrooms and Coke if I was in Amsterdam.

Is Coke really legal there?

I thought it was.

Well, it's not legal, but it's, like, supposedly it's, like, the highest quality in the world,

and you can get it right on the street, like, real cheap.

Wow.

Yeah.

I heard the weed is something crazy.

Yeah.

I'm interested in the shrooms.

That'd be good.

Yeah, the shrooms.

Well, the shrooms, you go in a grocery store, and they got, like, a little section with magic mushrooms.

Oh, come on.

Yeah.

Really?

Wow, that's awesome.

They do, man.

They'll fix you an electric almond.

Can I get a high-speed cable connection in Amsterdam?

Yeah.

What do you mean you can get one?

They're more technologically advanced than we are.

I was like, I don't know if there's internet access.

I'm going to try a laptop.

I was like, baby, Amsterdam is like, you're going to have, like,

Wi-Fi anywhere you go there.

You're going to be fine.

Like, I have the same problem.

Like, I think about the countries, and, like, when I first think about it,

like, man, they probably live in, you know, they got, like, dirt streets

and, you know, like fucking sewers on the road and, you know, straw huts and shit,

but there's probably a lot of it that's better off than we are here.

Yeah, Amsterdam for sure.

I mean, I've been to Kentucky.

I know I've seen some nasty shit.

Kentucky.

Yeah, and if you're in Florida, if you go too far away from one of the major interstates,

it's like fucking...

It gets like that, yeah.

It looks like 1920s Oklahoma.

Yeah, you get to Stark and stuff.

Man, Kentucky ain't nothing like Amsterdam.

Anyway, so Zolar, man, yeah, you should do a show from Amsterdam.

I think that'd be the shit.

You should go up there for...

Fly us all in.

Yeah.

Fly us all in.

I'm thinking about fucking living there, man.

Why don't I live there?

That's why I've always wanted to live there, too.

Yep.

If there's a draft out there, that'd be nice.

My friends went to fucking Rio de Janeiro.

They went to Brazil.

Yeah.

And they said that the fucking women are so friendly down there that they didn't want to live down there.

They want to buy a house.

Yeah, I've heard that, too.

Or Costa Rica, too, I think.

The women are like that, too.

I know some kids who go down there and just go surfing.

It's just like the best.

You surf all day and you, like, just party all night.

In Costa Rica.

Oh, yeah, Brazil, Costa Rica.

Yeah, Costa Rica's...

Everywhere's more fun than America.

We're just getting so religious here.

It's not gonna be fun at all anymore.

It's fucking sick, man.

Yeah, but not only that, but I live in New York City, man.

I mean, it's not even...

It's all gray buildings.

Yeah, it's filthy.

You know what I mean?

I gotta go somewhere where the weather's nicer

and there's fucking snow.

You know it was snowing here yesterday,

the day before yesterday?

It's fucking April, dude.

Yeah, that's crazy.

Yeah, we're up to 89 degrees today.

Oh, wait a minute.

Lego wants to get on there.

Hold on.

He's going to give me shit about Latino in Amsterdam.

Yo, what's happening, Lego?

Hey, Lego, thanks for ruining the April Fool's Day joke, by the way.

What April Fool's Day?

Hey, Carlito, how you doing, baby?

Oh, no.

Carlito, how are you doing?

Carlito, April Fool's joke?

It was an attempt at one, thank you very much.

It got a lot of people.

Yeah, that was some April Fool's joke I got right on there to shit for.

Yeah, thanks for having me.

Dude, you know what the April Fool's joke is?

Dude, the April Fool's joke is that your girlfriend's on a plane right now with her ass fucking pounded by two black guys.

No, she's not.

Yeah, no, she's not.

Fuck black guys.

She will never do that.

Oh, my God.

There's no black guys in Amsterdam.

Ow.

Kobe Bryant's got her right now.

He is.

Kobe Bryant is.

Kobe Bryant's got her bent over.

It's the middle of the fucking season.

Yeah, well, he's not.

And they're going to the playoffs.

He found out your girl's going to Amsterdam by herself.

That's not nice, Lego.

You don't like to talk about his girlfriend like that on the air.

He keeps that a separate entity.

So what?

Nobody knows what's not nice.

Even I respect, even I respect that he, you know, cares for his girlfriend.

I never mentioned her in a bad way.

Well, you know, whatever, man.

That's why you got to go for it.

No, you're wrong.

I'm just letting you know you're out of control.

Go ahead, Carlito, correct him.

No, no, Lego always calls in and makes good points about how I should treat her and stuff,

and it's helped out my relationship plenty.

There you go.

See, Zolar?

I'm not, I'm not, but he's, you know.

See, Glenn?

But he doesn't need, you didn't need to be saying that.

All right, so, Glenn, come on, man.

I didn't get to hear the radio today.

Come on, what happened, man?

I just went through the whole thing for you.

His name's Glenn.

Glenn's name is Glenn.

It's Glenn Zawarski.

I was on the air, and I had to fucking curse out the girl who was guest hosting with me.

And then I fucking, then I got to fucking meet Tim Fabian, and he gave me a private tour and a hat, and I gave him head, and that was it.

Did you sit on a Fabian while you were there?

Yeah, nice.

Dude, if you see Billy Miro while you're up there, kick him in the balls for me.

They have him in the closet.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, did you hear fucking heard something about Stern's going to give David Lee Roth a job or something?

I don't doubt it.

Yeah, while the contract runs out.

That's fucking hilarious.

He was interviewed on the news on Stern.

Actually, he had a really good interview on there, as a matter of fact.

He's not very happy.

No, he's not happy at all.

It was Friday, I think.

He was like, you know, fuck it, whatever.

Like, they're taking my show over.

I can't do whatever I want.

and stuff,

you know.

Rock on.

And then you hear

the,

who was it,

Newsweek that printed

that bogus story

about Stern?

I read it before

I heard about it

on the Stern show

and I said,

that's bull crap.

He was bitching out

his fans who didn't

switch over to Sirius

or something like that.

You know what I'm

talking about?

Yeah.

He's like,

it was totally

taken out of context

and they made him

look like a bad guy

and stuff.

Yeah,

I was pissed

because I don't

He was just saying

fucking,

he went over

his expectations

and fucking,

he's still not happy.

He says,

you know,

I'll tell you, there's something wrong with him.

Yeah, they got Katie Couric going to CBS now, too.

That's another thing.

Yeah, well, that's good for her, man.

You know, she really worked her way up.

Yeah, she's real talented.

She's all right.

I pulled it to her plenty of morning when I was in high school.

She's got nice little fucking round tits.

I like that.

Carlito, when I was saying sports is for fags and all that shit,

what was that about that?

What was that, Glenn?

Not the Mets, though, dude.

The Mets rock.

Oh, the Mets suck.

Good game.

No, the Mets sucked last night, but they were good the night before that.

He is a Cubs fan.

I'm a Cubs fan.

I hate the Mets.

I was asking Carlito, what did he think about when I was saying sports is for fags?

Sports is for fags?

I heard you.

Shut up, Lego, before I hang up on you.

I'm going to go to the show, you fucking doofus.

Well, I think in the context of radio, like, what, this guy used to be a sports, he used

to have his own sports show, is that what it was?

Yeah, but what do you think about my comments?

Yeah, man.

No, I mean, it came off as a little abrasive, I'd say,

but, like, for the most part, it didn't really, like,

it kind of conveyed, like, the most, I guess, like,

what most people's mentalities.

They don't really want to be turning in a series of, you know,

sports talk and shit like that.

I know that we're talking about that, as a matter of fact, so.

It's probably just something where, you know, I think the majority,

the majority of the consensus out there,

the people who are listening is probably agreeing with you.

So, you know, they're not going to waste their talents

in a sports talk on Howard 100 or 101 or 102.

And did you get a phone call in and he was asking a serious question

and then after he finished looking, trying to say what he had to say,

I was like, how much do you weigh with that breathing?

Oh, really?

Was that Carlito?

That was not me.

He's the fattest man ever.

Yeah, man.

He's a prank master.

Anyway, so, um, Zoar, it was a very good effort.

It was a very good effort. Lingo, do you want to do a prank call?

Have Zoar repeat what he said about sports.

Zoar wants you to repeat, uh, Bulletman wants you to repeat what you said about sports.

Oh, shit, I was saying that sports is for fags.

How come?

Because, you know, like, men are fucking in their fucking little tight uniforms, sweating and fucking touching each other.

And then, you know, they're in showers together.

It's just a bunch of faggots.

It's kind of good.

Hey, you're turning Milkman on right now.

Milkman's rubbing his nipples, his big, Milkman has big purple nipples.

Milkman just carved a hole in his carpet and he's fucking it.

He has silver dollar sized purple nipples.

Oh, man, Jerry Rice.

Oh, man.

He's dancing now.

I'd like to cover him.

I want to glaze the black man on the feet.

Hey, who you callin'?

Huh? Whoever? Zola, are you okay? Can you hold the line while Lego does this?

Yeah, well, I'm sure fuckin' all these people who wanna fuckin' talk, that I'll hold.

I'm being quiet. Shut the fuck up.

Well, it's good to talk to you. Thank you for callin', Lego. It's always an honor and a pleasure.

I think I called Zola. Fuck you.

Son of a bitch. You knew you were gonna get on the air.

Cause you know I took a... ugh, whatever.

I didn't know. I was just callin' my friend Glenn to talk to him. I didn't know you were on the air.

Alright, okay. Alright.

I'm not even listenin' to the show.

Alright, boss. Alright, boss.

Cool guy

No problem

Nothing is too freaky

I got a number

In Las Vegas

And a woman answered it

Let's find out

We also got

Munchkin land

Freaky tattoos

A fruity affair

Hobo depot

Oh the hobo depot

Hobo camp

I like that one especially

That's in Texas

The hobo camp

Alright

Let's get

Fucking doing it

Alright anyway

Here's the hobo camp

Lego good luck

We'll be right back folks

Body low kick, you provoking, what you want now?

Take a look around, there's pimp shit going down

Bitches, a whole lot of freaks, I chose

They flocking every week, what you want, dude?

Get your next, take a X pill, hottest X fill

Damn, you looking good, in it, y'all

Wanna roll? I'm thinking, y'all

Keep your face down, keep your ass up

You know what you're doing

Fortunately, we're not in at the moment

Talk to the tone, leave the same and telephone number

Crack it, man, try to crack it

Yeah, hello you hobos.

What can you say about hobos, Lego?

Anything you want to leave a message for them?

Yeah.

I'm going to suck you out for a dollar today.

I believe that today.

That doesn't shock me at all.

Hobos.

It keeps.

It keeps well.

What the hell is that?

It's not scary.

Whatever.

Yeah, we're waiting for this to click over and shit.

This has been a message we've been leaving the whole time.

Hey, guys, visit madhouselive.com, hobos.

And kdkprintcalls.com and getinspace.com.

Watch out for today with your sardine breath.

Zolar.com.

And the dad's phone number is 813-

My 745, you drive me crazy shorty, I need to see you and feel you next to me.

I provide everything you need and I like your smile, I don't want to see you cry.

Got some questions that I gotta ask and I hope you can come up with the answers baby.

Okay.

Nothing is too freaky.

Las Vegas, Nevada.

You doing this Lego?

Hello?

I'll let you do it.

Hello?

Hello, can I help you?

Yeah, which establishment is this?

Okay, are you calling for entertainment?

Yes.

Okay, where are you staying?

Actually, I think I'm right up the block, right upstairs.

Okay, what hotel? You need to be in a hotel.

Yes.

The Luxor.

The Mirage?

Pardon me?

It's the Luxor, I'm sorry.

You're at the Luxor?

That's correct.

Okay, what's the last name the room is registered in?

All right, my name is actually under Johnson, J-O-H-N-S-O-N,

But I'm in the car right now on my cell phone

And what I'm trying to do

Hello

Hello, okay, we need to call

When you get back to your room, you can call us

And we need to call you in your room

Listen, I'm about to tell you the room number

And everything like that

You can confirm with the desk

I'm going to be over there in about 40 minutes

I'm going to need the young lady to meet me in the lobby

Okay, she has to come up to your room

What I can do, if you want to give me your information

I can call you there in 40 minutes

I need to verify you're in your room

Alright, so what do you mean?

I mean, we can't meet initially in the lobby in a public place?

Okay, she comes up to your room.

If you don't like her, she leaves.

You're under no obligation.

That's not safe.

No, no, it has nothing to do with liking her or not.

I need to be, this is part of my, you know, what's the name of the establishment?

I mean, Freaky something or another?

I forgot.

No, this is the answering service for entertainers.

Right, and do you know the name of the establishment that you're answering for?

Okay, well, it's, we just answer for entertainers.

They're independent contractors.

All right, now you're being elusive, you stupid cunt.

I'm asking you who the fuck you work for.

Check that Harry Potter.

There you go.

Freaky's Tattoo and Body Piercing.

Alright, now Lego, I'm asking you-

The fuckin' number.

You didn't fuckin' nobody call me.

Your roomie called you to a show.

Nah, you guys were on mute anyway.

I did, it's ruined anyway.

Thank you, asshole.

Oh, you're on.

Bring down Lego.

Oh, they got you.

Pro parent of pro parent accessories.

Hey Hank.

If you do not hang up, this messaging system you have reached temporarily needs you to re-enter the seven-digit number you're calling.

Oh, fuck you, bitch. You don't tell me what to do.

We'll try Munchkinland here next. Hang on, guys.

If you guys don't mind, are you okay waiting?

Yeah, we're enjoying ourselves.

I'm pulling my cock. What else am I doing?

Lego, seriously, come on.

I love you guys.

I love you, too.

Whoa.

Please enter your code.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Enter the number you wish to call

Jamaica

The blood starts sweatin'

The blood starts comin' out my nose

Are you dead, Cousin Bill?

Yes.

Okay.

Can you do a prank on that?

Why?

Huh?

You got a Cousin Bill now?

I'm not.

Bill dead?

Really?

Hey, Cousin Bill.

What's going on?

Can you do a prank, Cousin Bill?

Hang on, guys.

Hey, the dead.

Um.

Hang on.

Andy.

All right.

You guys are really technically challenged.

Look, man.

Okay.

These numbers are whack tonight, okay?

Okay, here we go, finally, it's been ringing.

Jesus, what took so long?

Complained about the wait.

Munchkinland?

Yep.

Hello?

Oh, is this Munchkinland?

Sorry.

What establishment is this?

This is a personal residence.

Oh, fuck you, cunt.

I'm looking for Munchkinland.

Sorry, there is none.

Jesus, sorry.

Let me ask you this.

What happened to Munchkinland?

Yeah, what happened?

This was the number for Munchkinland.

Oh, my God, Munchkinland is gone.

My kids are really gonna be upset.

Yeah.

You know, it's cunts like you that fucking ruin the whole fucking thing.

The Jews took away Blutskinland!

Ma'am?

Please enter the number you wish to call.

I thought you had a cell phone up.

A free affair.

I call her a cunt. Sorry.

Sorry, I'm a cunt.

Nice lady.

I've been talking to my husband.

Ay, ay.

You have entered is not valid.

Bitch.

Please try again.

Redneck woman answered in Texas. Let me take this one.

Bro, you get the good one.

Okay, go away.

Hello, ma'am?

I'm sorry, ma'am, this is who now?

A Fruity Affair?

Okay, um, how many cases of oranges can you produce in about 30 minutes here?

Oh, Jesus.

Gee, that was funny.

Thanks.

You're off the fuck-fuckin' hilarious.

Thank you. Thank you, my girl.

How many oranges can you produce?

You think you can do better?

Yeah, I think I could.

Alright, we'll see if we get her back.

Mudger, please enter the number you wish to call.

The phone could do better.

The number you have entered is not valid.

Every time, the first time he has to take it.

The number you have entered is not valid.

Today, quit talking! Shut up!

Today, you cunt.

He ruined it.

Can you let Mudger come on? In a minute.

I could definitely do better than that, Carlito.

I bet you could.

I mean even dialing the phone.

We can't even tell the fucking number!

Times in a row.

But you said to this in dialect. How? Why?

Why me?

It doesn't make any damn sense.

Shut up.

Yeah, put her on.

Go ahead. Let me talk to her real quick.

You gotta wait a minute, dude.

This guy.

This guy with his mother, you know?

It was crazy just to get him on the air once.

I remember. I had to convince him to call in KDK once.

And every now and then he calls in everyone.

Yeah, I know, that's exactly what happened.

Isn't it crazy? He's developed into something like, I don't know.

KDK, fucking, what happened with KDK last week?

He was smoking some kind of angel dust.

Man.

He never quite came back down.

Like a piece of his fucking brain.

This is a fucking dumb shit, man.

You always see the crap on the shit line.

Meanwhile, Milkman, that I say he's fucking, he's a gay man,

fucking Scott calls up Kim and lets Kim have it.

Is she phone sex?

No, he fucking calls Kim up and says,

you tell fucking Pete I ain't talking to him anymore, fuck him.

Your name is Pete.

Greg Scott's a stupid wigger anyway.

That's one homophobic motherfucker, I'll tell you.

No, wait, your name is Pete?

It all started because Lego said it on the air.

Oh, yeah, but Lego, you were saying that on my show last week.

You were saying that on...

Yeah, you were. You were saying that on March 31st.

I agree, though.

Who cares, dude?

People ask me where's Great Scott is.

He hasn't been on the radio in fucking a month.

So I say, oh, he's gay.

Yeah.

Or whatever.

Except for everything.

I remember asking you, do you have proof? Did you catch him in the act?

No, he's just gay. That's exactly what you said.

Exactly.

No, he's just gay. I was like, alright, he's gay.

You know, whatever. You know, we're all fucking gay, right?

Everybody here's got retarded names, huh?

Yeah.

Listen, you get a fucking good prank phone call going here?

Yeah, we can.

No, it probably won't happen.

It probably won't happen because we suck.

Okay, I got hot poop stereo and video in Walla Walla, Washington.

An older guy answered at 934.

Oh, hot poop.

Alright, get him on the phone.

Hot dude.

This is the day.

My mom dropped me on my head.

Hang on everybody.

It's Ola.

And I'm fishing for my DJ Warren G

Now as I look for the buzz, Zach

And see where my love's at

On the lake where the doves at

Come, yeah, get the drink that's drank by G

Sacking like a motherfucker

Takes to they knees, bitch, please

You know how we do the undercover

On some doggies

Fifteen years old with a baby.

Yo, listen, there's a 19-year-old who was on her third baby now.

The person you are calling is not answering. Please try your call again later.

Okay, good.

87-4, please enter the number you wish to call.

Broke-ass customs, just confirmed.

That's Ralph? Okay.

Yo, what the fuck?

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Broke-ass customs. These are with Z's, gentlemen, in Phoenix, Arizona.

Just confirmed by Lonesome Loser.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Broke-ass customs.

Minute.

Time to die.

You're not even answering, what the hell is going on?

Jesus.

That's not nice, man.

The number you have entered is not valid.

Huh?

Who am I talking to now?

Woman?

Stop hitting the buttons, woman.

Stop, woman.

Mom and dad.

Hey, mom and dad.

What's her name?

Hello?

Gladys.

I don't know.

What's your mom's name, son?

My mom's name is, like, Lucy.

You know her name.

Lucy?

Talk to her.

Let me talk to Lucy, then.

Here, talk.

Hello?

Lucy?

Lucy.

Lucy, do you know where Chocolate Milk comes from?

Do you know where Chocolate Milk comes from?

Oh, God, on what, on the radio?

Mm-hmm.

So, yeah, I don't know what to say to you, woman.

I heard you guys have a submarine that has a screen door on it.

Can you leave the damn dog alone, please?

Is he raping the dog again?

I'm going to rape the dog.

He's been trying to dog all the time.

Can you ask her if she'll put the father on?

How are you? Fine.

Okay, do you still fantasize about the lover that you had a couple of months ago there

when you were cheating on the dead daddy?

Just up with the black guy.

Yeah?

He was walking down the street.

What black guy?

White guy, yellow guy, Irish guy, what are you talking about?

You were with a black man?

All at the same time.

Yeah, we couldn't date now because of that.

Steven, I can't, no.

I can't be over here or anything.

Where's the dead father?

This one is breaking up.

Can we speak to Steven's father, please?

It's Polish.

Polish?

Yeah.

Where's Steven's father?

May I ask?

That's right.

We want a first interview with Johnny's dad.

Whatever.

Where's his father at?

Yes.

In jail?

He's sleeping right now.

Can we talk to him, please?

Wake him up.

No.

It's important, isn't it?

It's about the insurance.

Well, he's sleeping right now.

He's got to get up early in the morning.

Woman, it's about the insurance.

And I usually have to wake his ass up anyway, so.

It's about the insurance, I said.

There's no father, is there?

Yes, it does.

Tell me the truth.

What's his name?

Hmm?

What's his name?

See?

There's no father.

The dad has no father.

Isn't that the truth?

Joseph.

That's fake.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

No, it's not.

You don't have any proof.

Yes, I do, because I've been married to him for 31 years.

Prove it, then.

Let's talk to him.

And he's got a big old cock.

No, he doesn't.

That's what the problem is.

Are you sure?

Is that why you're dipping out with black dudes?

He had an affair recently with a guy who had a very big penis.

Wow, really?

How recently was it?

You did so.

I heard it was last week.

It was a while, a long time ago.

How long ago?

Hmm?

How long ago?

Um, quite a few years ago.

Was it good?

Does Joseph know about it?

You know what?

I've been taking care of my mother for the past four months.

Okay.

Yeah, I know.

So, when did you even ask about that?

Who?

Who's more retarded, your mother or your...

Oh!

You guys are awesome.

We are.

You mean awful, not awesome.

Awful.

Awesome.

That's nice to say to the dead's mom.

Yeah, Lucy, we're just kidding around.

Yeah, we're just messing around.

We're just kidding around, Lucy.

Yeah, I know.

I'm sorry, Lucy.

You're being a fucking freak.

Your son's mean to us, too.

You know what?

He threatened to kill me twice.

That's him right now.

Twice.

Pulled my hair.

He slept with my girlfriend.

You know what?

What?

No.

That's him right now in the kitchen

cooking lunch for my husband for tomorrow.

What are you making?

Sausage.

Horsenick soup.

Sausage.

Horsenick soup.

Horsenick soup, Joseph.

Sausage, you're right.

Quail egg spaghetti.

No.

Quail egg spaghetti.

Yeah.

Pasta.

Spaghetti sauce.

Oh, I got it right.

Quail egg spaghetti.

We're not really interested in food.

We want to know funny things, like what was the most interesting thing you've ever put

inside you while you were masturbating?

Peanut butter.

Don't masturbate.

I'm sorry.

When will the dead start breastfeeding?

Are you still breastfeeding your son?

What time today did the dead stop breastfeeding today?

Steven.

Steven, right.

Yeah.

When did he stop breastfeeding?

Yeah, how old was he?

How old was he?

Computing.

Lucy, could you do me a favor?

Could you turn on the dryer and sit down on top of it?

Please.

Dude, that's not even funny.

That's like fucking 20-year-old bullshit.

I'm feeling it.

It'd be nice for her to experience that, I think.

Ask her about her story about Antarctica.

She has not experienced it.

I bet she...

I don't even have a dryer where he's from.

Yeah, well, the washing machine, then.

Hey, the dead father is the dad.

Ask her about Antarctica.

Anyway, yeah, we're...

Oh, shit.

We gotta wrap this up, guys.

We've been bullshitting for, like, an hour.

But, Lucy, good night.

Thank you for calling...

Thank you not for calling,

but thank you for being on the show.

Appreciate it.

Sorry if we offended you.

Okay, she's gone.

Is anybody here still?

No.

No, you lost everybody.

Everybody hung up on me.

Oh, great.

No, you lost Zolar.

I lost Zolar.

Pissed about what?

You're all pissed because you're a dick.

Everybody wants to see Zolar.

What did I say?

You were messing with his mom.

So what?

I didn't ask anything too bad.

You did the dumb dryer show.

That's what everybody meant.

This is dryer.

How long has it been since you've been on a dryer?

I didn't ask for that.

I asked you to turn on a dryer and sit down on top of it.

That would sound terrible on your terrible connections anyway.

You've got a whole big story about Antarctica.

Why would you do an Antarctica?

I thought it was time to get your ass.

My mom

Damn I can't do his name

He had a voice on

My mom fucked a penguin

Aw

Penguin

That would hurt

Uh

Nunu is uh

Sending me on AOL instant message

You know we've been talking to them

This whole time

We didn't give out the toll free line

We didn't give out anything

We've been bullshitting

Let's get a call in man

I know

We don't have much

We've already got enough

Calls coming in

Yeah

Well anyway we have

Right now we have um

We have 64 listeners listening

Thank you very much

We have 50 on PCU

Uh

We're down to

Still phone call

We're down to

a 9 on Hit City.

Yeah. So we haven't killed them just yet.

That's not too bad. Usually we do worse

than that. Usually we do really mess them up.

They gotta go someplace else to get their usher fix.

Yeah. He's got nice abs.

Yeah. And

5 listeners on Galaxy.

So good. There's that.

Nuno sent me a number for a famous

redneck bar where Borat sang the song

about throwing the Jew down the well.

I love that song. And they all joined in.

Maybe calling saying I'm a hip hop star and you want to

They'll perform there or something.

But they, like, at that show, they, you know, everybody knew they were getting tamed.

That's why they sung along.

It's not like they all hate Jews and stuff.

If they had been throwing the nigger down a while, they would have went nuts.

But, you know, nobody really hates Jews anymore.

Jews, not there.

Even though they're the real enemy.

Ooh, N-bomb, N-bomb.

Hey, no, man, I've had permission before.

Explain that to me.

No, man, I used to hang out with so many black guys.

I used to, like, you know, do all sorts of crazy shit.

So they let me get away with it.

Yeah.

I didn't say it around the world.

Well, I got a lot of black friends here, man.

Yeah, but they beat you up whenever you open your mouth.

I don't think it's eternal permission, is it?

No, man.

When people steal your money and beat you up, they're not your friends.

No, I don't talk like this when I'm talking to my brothers in the island, man.

How do you talk?

You know, we talk like this, man.

You know, it's like, no, man.

We talk like this.

My head is mine.

What do you say, man?

You all right, man?

All right, cool, man.

Hey, man, what are you doing, man?

Let's go up here, man.

We're going to go to the beach, man.

We're going to cook up, man.

What are you saying, man?

Every other word is man.

I bet they wish you would shut up as much as I do.

I'm just kidding, man.

I'm all right.

You're my good friend.

Simple enough.

You're my third best friend in the world.

Hashi asked me, what are the songs you play with no lyrics in them?

Oh, yeah, let's get one somewhere I don't answer.

Yeah, exactly.

That's the plan.

Lonesome Loser is a little busy tonight.

We don't really have much in terms of numbers.

Our numbers meaning phone numbers confirmed.

Oh, here's Lonesome Loser with a number.

He just confirmed Motel de Rouge.

Is that R-O-G-U-E?

Is that rogue or rouge?

I don't know how it goes.

It could be either.

It's rouge.

Rouge is...

How do you spell rogue, then?

R-O-U-G-E.

It's rogue.

No, that's not R-O-G-E.

Oh, you mean the U is in front of the G.

That's rouge.

That's rogue.

This is rogue?

I think so.

Right.

No, rogue is R-O-G-E-U-E.

All right, what's rouge?

R-O-U-G-E-E. That's what I said.

No, not G-E-E. There's no two E's

in it. No, man.

No, man, you can't spell it at all.

Why are we even asking you anything?

You can't spell period, dude.

This connection skipped.

That's all it is.

This connection skipped.

E-E-E.

That's what he said.

No, man, you can't spell period, dude.

Okay.

Well, hey, we're going to play this right now.

One minute and 49 seconds.

It is...

I don't know if I told you about this, Milkman.

I guess someone called out President Bush during a townhouse-style speech he did today.

He got shot in the back of the head like three minutes later.

No one's even talking about it yet.

unbelievable this guy remember this guy's fine yeah we gotta get that guy that's black i love

today the man is dropping the president let the man have his say and then he offered a response

you talk about freedom i i see you assert your your right to to uh tap my telephone

to uh to arrest me and hold me without uh without charges to yeah to try to preclude me from

from breathing clean air and drinking clean water and eating safe food.

If I were a woman, you'd like to restrict my opportunity to make a choice.

I'm not your favorite guy. Go ahead.

I've never felt more ashamed of nor more frightened by my leadership in Washington,

including the presidency, by the Senate.

No, no, let her say it. Let her speak.

Let her.

Let her say it.

And I would hope, I feel like, despite your rhetoric,

Rick, that compassion and common sense have been left far behind during your administration.

And I would hope from time to time that you have the humility and the grace to be ashamed of yourself, inside yourself.

I'm going to start with what you first said, if you don't mind.

You said that I tap your phones.

I'm not going to apologize for what I did on the terror surveillance program.

Before a war, we ought to be using tools necessary within the Constitution on a very limited basis,

...a program that's reviewed constantly to protect us.

Now, you and I have...

The party you are trying to reach is not available to take your...

But you said, would I apologize for that?

The answer is absolutely not.

He's drunk.

Oh, put a big touch to where we're not at.

Bill, man, he thinks you're high on crank.

Nah, he's fucking drunk.

He is a son of a bitch.

What can you say?

Dude, nothing's working right tonight, Andy.

What the hell, man?

You suck.

You're the worst show ever.

Call me his number.

number just like you have someone calling the 1-800 number yeah it's not even on yeah

anybody wants to call in let me turn it's like 11 o'clock and you have turned on 11 30 you have

turned on the number oh we talked to you know doofus and dweefus and it was terrible number

man we thought we talked to 15 people and no one could tell who they were exactly and they talked

over each other yeah and none of the pranks were and then they yelled at us

we were calling it son of a bitch and then everybody yelled at us and made me feel bad

at the end because they hung up without you did suck too i did suck okay fine but still i was

great right okay so the toll-free line is yes man i'll choke you out dog the toll-free line is

1-888-278-8509 again that's 1-888-278-8509 the dead reporting on aol instant messenger where

where you can reach us at Madhouse Radio.

Madhouse Radio.

Oh, God, 69 people heard my mom BS.

I guess so.

It's down to 60 right now.

69 people want to hear your mom.

59.

Someone just said, oh, that number sucks.

There's too many 8s in that number.

Fuck them niggas.

And he disconnected his stream.

Well, anyway, if you want to call us in,

the toll free line is now open.

No, it's not because it's disabled.

Hang on.

So yeah, AOL Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio.

If you're using Yahoo Instant Messenger, you want to reach us at MadhousePCURadio.

And if you're on Hotmail, or rather MSN Messenger, it's MadhousePCURadio at Hotmail.com.

Any second now, I can re-enable a number here.

Oh my god.

They changed this fucking website, and I don't remember how you do it now.

Here we go.

I think you hit disable to re-enable it.

That's what it is.

It always confuses me.

Isn't that stupid?

mhm

shouldn't it say re-enable then disable?

it does

it is dumb

any of the 25

does it come out?

how do you know?

it is

it'll say

let's see

oh, someone's calling in

yeah, someone's like

I can't read the

I can't wait to call in Carlitos

Jesus

oh, it's Sharon

oh, hey

hey there

Sharon

what's up, girl?

hello

hey, girl

let's talk to Sharon

hey, girl, what's up, girl?

you're on the air, Sharon

what's up, girl?

yo

hey, what's up, girl?

what's up, girl?

how you doing?

hey, girl

what's up, woody?

boy

woody

What's a woadie?

Remember when people used to say woadie?

No.

I missed that.

What's up, woadie?

Yo, woadie, what up? What it be?

Do you know what a woadie is?

No, but I know Master P says it.

Okay. Alright.

So what's up? Who do we have on the line, please? Identify yourself, if you don't mind.

Pimp Slot, ho.

Hmm.

Ashie.

Oh, is it Pimp Slot?

Ashie.

Pimp Slot. Pimp Slot, man. What's up, Pimp Slot?

Nothing, Sean.

Good.

Oh, then that wild side is that, hey, all these bitches up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got the spirit, kid.

You got the spirit.

You took a second out from slinging that rock to call into the madhouse, huh?

We appreciate it.

Appreciate it, boss.

Don't let the Recon cut in on your corner while you're gone.

I shouldn't either.

Nope.

Fuck them.

You're so gangster.

The Hard Rock Cafe in East Washington Street in Phoenix, Arizona.

On East Washington Street in Phoenix, Arizona.

The Hard Rock Cafe.

What to call that?

Hashi's asking me what the songs are that I play.

You read my question but forgot to answer it.

Andy, what is the music that we're playing during the show?

I think you're playing MF Doom stuff.

Yes, MF Doom.

Like, a lot of that's, like, 70s, like, soul and stuff,

and he just, like, you know, recuts it without the lyrics and stuff.

Yep.

MF Doom is very talented.

You should pick up his rap albums.

He does rap albums, too.

Yep.

MF Doom.

MF, like, Metal Fingers Doom.

Metal Fingers Doom?

Is that what it stands for?

Uh-huh.

Metal Fingers Doom.

And then, like, he always has a picture of, like,

Dr. Doom on his album covers.

That's why I started listening to the guy.

Good deal.

You let that ride at Universal, the fear fall?

No, I don't do that.

I'm not falling off anything.

I almost choked on the first time I went on that.

I'm too fat.

I don't go on stuff like that.

Yeah, it's scary.

I'm always worried that, like, you know, my extra weight will just tip the scales and

be, like, you know, terrible for everybody involved.

When I ride roller coasters, I fear that my extra weight's going to cause the belts to

come undone, and I'm going to go flying after I do a turn.

I'm just going to go flying in the air.

Remember the one time we went on a Hulk ride, and you went on, and you went just fine?

And I was like, well, Carl is way fatter than me.

I pressed it with their foot.

Yeah, well, it's because I'm like, you know, like, my mass is hard.

They had to kick it into me.

To get it in place.

Yeah, I almost died.

If they're kicking you into the...

You shouldn't be.

You should have been on.

They got off right then and there.

They could just barely fit me in here securely.

Or you think I'm way more secure than anyone else.

Slut, who are you beefing with right now?

The one in your hood you're beefing with?

I've been letting you check, huh?

Daddy.

Dad said he hates you.

He's got mad beef for you.

I hate you, slut.

I thought you were making that voice about the dead.

I don't like to do that.

You know, like, during it, Lego was like, oh, whatever.

He calls it attitude. He always has attitude, and he thinks he runs the show.

And I guess he does, technically, because it's his server. So thank you, Lego.

Pimpslut, do you have an AK?

An AK?

Like, in Vietnam, they used to go through swamps and carry them underwater, and they would still shoot.

My brother's, he bought it, and it doesn't work at all.

He loaded it once.

He broke it instantly.

It looks cool, though.

That's like the one gun.

Yeah, my brother's doesn't work.

Your brother does wait a minute. We should we should take pictures of us with an AK

I was gonna say I took this will look cool with that. They were do promo shots for the show

Yeah, and yeah, we'll hold the AK exactly you can put it in my mouth

My probably the only ever fire. It's like half like half like stuck right right now

So you can drop it it probably shoot. Yeah, next time you're you're beefing with the lay oceans

Well, then you borrow it pull it out like so motherfucker, and that's it anyway

So there it is. Dude, Pimpsle, do you want to try a prank call?

I'll tell you what, I warn you now, this show has been really bad in terms of prank calls tonight, but we've been having fun.

I don't think Pimpsle's going to get it done.

Oh, great.

Make a call, make a call.

Okay, ooh, the Hard Rock Cafe.

I already said that. We also have California Girls Nightclub in Anaheim, California.

I'm going to call the Hard Rock Cafe.

I have no idea. I have no idea where I'm going with this.

I'm going to do that one, because that's his number. You've got to think number that you something.

Pimpsle, he's got a show and you don't, man. You better back off.

What's that say?

Pimson was trying to get a show.

Yeah, and no one gave you one.

There's a reason for that, right?

Hey, if you get somebody to answer, a good caller will make something out of it.

Yeah, like, don't, don't, hey, if somebody gets you sucked, not us.

Don't cherry pick.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, who do you think you are?

Yeah.

Just because, you know, a stupid kid.

That's fine.

We're going to call Kmart.

We're going to call Hard Rock, and you're going to deal with it, all right?

Fuck that.

We're going to call Kmart Hawaii.

We're going to call Kmart, and you're going to be golden.

They're going to be so pissed at you.

Exactly.

Watch out.

Okay, Junior.

Here comes Pimpslug with the shit.

And this is Pimpslug's snoop song.

He's right back here.

He's right back here, everybody.

He's probably living up on it.

...are a Kmart Pharmacy customer and would like to request a refill.

Oh, my God.

Hit zero.

Someone didn't confirm a number.

Well, the transfer, right?

Hang on.

Kmart Pharmacy, how can I help you?

Yes, where are you located exactly, ma'am?

Oh, where are you calling from?

I'm in a hotel here, and I don't know exactly how to get down there.

What hotel are you calling from?

I'm not sure. If you could just tell me what street it's on?

We're at the Makalapua Shopping Area.

Makalapua.

No, Makalapua.

M-A-K-A-L-A-P-U-A

Are you in Kona?

Kalua, Kona.

Kalua.

Kona?

I'm in Mahalo.

Mahalo.

That's the hotel?

No, it's the Mahalo Elvis.

Familiar word it is.

Oh, you're wearing a grass skirt?

Outside of Konao.

Outside of the corner?

No, we're outside of Konao. We're not in the shopping area.

The corner of what?

Makala Pua. We're at the Makala Pua Center.

The corner of Makala and Pua?

No, it's one word. Makala Pua.

I don't know what language you're speaking.

That's the name of the street.

Isn't this America or something?

Something? Can't you give it a name like Kennedy or Martin Luther King Jr. Drive or something?

Also, you're from the subway, ma'am.

I'm from Viagra.

Are you on Ali Drive?

Yes, I believe so, yeah.

Okay, then you need to come out to the shopping area.

And you're on 123 Mahalo Street?

No, it's Makalapua. We're at the Makalapua Center.

Poor Center?

No, C-E-N-T-E-R.

Okay, how do you spell it? C-E-N...

It's the Makalapua Center.

How do you spell Center?

C-E-N-T-E-R

T-E-R-R

Makalapua

C-E-N like the middle

Center C-E-N-T-E-R

How close is that to Washington Street?

Pardon? How close is that to Washington Street?

Washington Street

I'm lost I don't know where you are

How are you lost?

You don't even know where you are and you're in the Kmart

Working and you don't even know where you are

But I don't know where you are

Are you wearing a grass skirt?

Yes.

Outside, yeah.

Just outside of Kona.

A little outside.

The grass skirt is over there?

A lot.

Okay.

Hi, sir.

Hey, how you doing?

Yeah.

Okay.

You're on Lee Drive?

Yeah.

Okay.

Come straight all the way up to Palani Road.

Palani.

Now, Palani Road, you're going to come all the way up to, you get to a big intersection.

Mm-hmm.

You're going to make a left.

Okay.

On Queen Kaohimano Highway.

What?

Okay.

Queen.

How do you spell this?

Q-U-I-C-K.

Queen, as in the regular, like a queen, king, and queen.

The Queen River?

The Queen Ka'ahumanu Highway.

Queen Akam...

If you come all the way up on Lee Drive, you're going to come through...

How do you spell that?

Queen Akamakalahu.

Queen...

Akumanu Highway.

Akumanu Highway, okay.

And I take that down to Mahalo Street.

Okay, when you get to Queen K Highway, we call it Queen K.

Queen K?

You make a left.

Okay, left.

And you go to the next stoplight, you make a right, and you follow that road all the way up to Kmart.

Right.

Okay.

So I take a left.

On the Queen K Highway.

Right, a right.

No, no.

You go up to the Queen K Highway from Palani Road.

Right.

Where are you at right now?

Can you see anything, any name on a building?

Kama-hi-hi-ha-a-ave.

Spell that.

K-A-M-A-K-A-K-E-H-A-V-E

Okay, you're coming. You're on the right track.

H-A-W-A-I-I

Okay, you're on Kamaka Air, huh?

No, I...

That's right. That's right below Kmart.

I flew in United, not Kamaka Air.

How close are you to the McDonald's?

Over on Henry Street? You know what I mean?

On Henry Street?

Yeah.

Okay, that's another way you can go. Go up to Henry Street?

I'm staying at the McDonald's.

You're at the McDonald's right now?

That's where I'm staying.

At McDonald's?

Yes.

Yes, sir.

Well, you better bring us some Big Macs when you come up here.

No.

Hey, tough guy.

Okay, you go to McDonald's.

You go to McDonald's, there's a street called Kuwakini Highway.

Okay.

What about Howley Street?

There's a stoplight right there.

It's the only way to get out of McDonald's.

It's the only street you can get on to get out of that area.

Okay, whatever.

So, how close is that to...

There's a stoplight.

You make a right.

go to Henry Street. If you follow Henry Street, it goes all the way up to another stoplight,

and that's the Queen K Highway. Okay. At that point, you make a left and go past the next

big intersection with stoplights. Do you have someone who maybe speaks a little better English

than you do? No. Because you have a very thick, sounds almost Hawaiian accent. Go to McDonald's

and ask them how to get here. I did already. They said to call you. They said to speak

to you, Dave. Okay. If you go up to Henry Street, you know where Henry Street is? It's

right in front of me. Okay. Go right up Henry Street. Go all the way up to the top. You're

going to run right into Queen K Highway. Top of what? The highway? Top of Henry Street.

Top of the highway. Okay. Okay, Henry Street. Henry Street runs right up. You go up to Henry

Street. You go right up to a stoplight. Uh-huh. At that stoplight, you're going to see borders

across the street. That's the Queen K Highway you're going to be on. The border of Queen

K Highway? So you need to make a left at that point. Okay. And it'll run right into,

You're going to go through one stoplight.

When you get to the second stoplight, that will take you right up to Kmart.

Okay.

I'll see if I can figure it out, but you haven't been much help.

Okay.

I don't know.

I'm sorry, you still there, you bastard?

Yeah, that was long.

Sorry.

I was about to jump in and say something.

Good thing you did.

You want to call the McDonald's that we're staying at?

Ask them for directions.

They're on Henry Street, apparently.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

I will do that.

Six minutes.

Who am I speaking to right now?

This is Vincent.

Who?

This is Vincent.

Vincent?

Is this Keone?

Yeah.

What's up?

Nothing.

What are you doing?

Um, writing Stella a love letter.

Oh, really?

Alright.

Okay.

I wanted you to hook me up with some cheeseburger.

Cheeseburger?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yes, sir.

Yo, dear.

Cheeseburger.

Okay.

Yeah.

You need to call this in for only one.

Four.

Are you puny?

Yeah.

Okay, four.

Yeah, four.

Okay.

Four teas for Mr. Keonewood.

What are you wearing?

Huh?

What are you wearing?

I'm wearing my mocha.

Yeah, how about them cheeseburgers?

Okay.

Yeah.

Four cheeseburgers.

What time will you come in?

In a Big Mac.

Big Mac.

Big Mac?

Yeah.

Pepsi.

Well, see, half died Pepsi.

I'm trying to watch my figure.

Um, we don't sell any Pepsi.

Oh, Coke.

Half Coke.

Okay, it's over.

What are you doing tomorrow?

What?

We're working tomorrow.

Friday.

Thank you for playing, sir.

Good night.

Uh.

Bye, sir.

Go bye.

What is this?

Hang on.

Monk Monk.

Okay, pimp slut.

I have an idea.

What happened?

You sucked.

Yeah.

That's why we cut you off, because you sucked.

We had to.

Pimp slut, we thought you were good.

You're like, what are you doing tomorrow?

Hey.

Don't, don't, don't use this show as a way to call your boyfriend long distance, you

little faggot.

Hey, you should call my man.

Hey.

What are you doing tomorrow?

I want to finger your butt a little.

Yeah, he is a big fag.

Who was that guy?

Who?

The guy with the McDonald's?

Yeah, he liked you.

Yeah, you liked him, didn't you?

Yeah, you were turned on, huh?

It was Hawaii.

Yeah, I'm trying to get his number.

You like that pineapple gash.

Oh, that was in Hawaii?

That was in Hawaii?

Yeah.

Yes.

Jesus Christ.

Damn it.

He didn't clock over there.

I guess so.

Anyway, well, hey, any shout-outs real quick to anybody in the chat room?

Who are your boys?

Who do you run with?

He hates you.

I don't know about Saigon.

He hates you too.

Hashi, hashi.

Thank you.

Hashi.

Oh, thanks.

God damn.

Saigon's cool.

Saigon's good people, I guess.

I mean, yeah.

Oh, I haven't talked to Joel.

He likes you, though.

He told me the other day that you guys are tight.

You guys are girls.

There's no one in the chatroom right now.

There's only, like, two people that I actually talk to.

The dad's in there.

He's always talking.

You know how the dad is.

He's getting started.

He's like a retarded penguin.

Da-da-pa-pa-pa.

All bad.

Anyway, I'm Matt Pimsle.

Thank you for calling.

Next week, graces with your presence, sir.

Good to know.

Maybe we'll get that audition.

Maybe.

I have AIDS.

I have AIDS complications.

Milkman, what are your thoughts on tonight's shit show?

Milkman's recording his bowels.

Oh, man, I got a big gas movement here, man.

I have two big mouths kicking around.

Somehow I'm not surprised.

I think it's been pretty good, man.

Somehow I'm not surprised.

Last call kind of flattened out, but I thought it was hilarious that you had that guy saying,

Mlock, Mlock, Mlock, Mlock, Mlock, Mlock.

Oh, yeah.

He was just, Carl, it was about 30 minutes.

He was just like, K-A-W-A-I-K-T-K.

And the guy's like, K-A-W-A-I-K-T-K.

That was great.

And then Pimpslot ruined it.

That was a good one.

I want four cheeseburgers.

Yeah.

What the hell is that shit?

My cat's breast smells like cat food.

I don't know, man.

I think, like you said, that was a hookup.

Yeah, he was trying to call his boyfriend in Hawaii.

Well, good for you, pimp slut.

Nothing wrong.

Hi, how you doing?

This is Keanu.

Keanu.

We have 63 listeners.

And then, like, the guy knew his name.

He was like, is this Lulz?

And he was like, yeah.

Hey.

Lulz.

63 listeners right now.

Hi.

Milkman, do you want to do your news?

And we'll do a quick break.

We'll get to that.

The dead hates me.

The dead hates all of us.

uh do your news he doesn't have his news ready that bastard you lied to us no man you've been

putting that off i didn't think he was gonna do it tonight i didn't get it turned on right now

i can't believe you i'm so mad it's coming up i look forward to this every week all right we'll

do one prank call maybe you'll come through you still have those links or you lost them too didn't

you i deleted them no it's just i'm having trouble with my browser dude that's what you call it

I guess we could do

We got a bunch of numbers

What happened to Glow Worm

I thought Glow Worm was going to call

Yeah that's your boy

We've been waiting for him to call all night

That bastard

I guess it's a good thing we turned on the 800 number finally

It's on no one calls

Well Pim Sloat was dialing

Constantly so maybe you can call in

Tell your buddy Glow Worm

To call in now

Glow Worm call in now

Glow Worm call in

Milkman, dammit.

Milkman thinks you're great.

The hell is this?

Hey, man.

Don't mess around with Glowworm.

Why not?

So?

I didn't say anything bad about him.

I said Milkman says you're great.

Hey.

Don't you say he's great?

The line's open.

Okay.

Well, we're on the air waiting for you.

Everybody's asking for the Glowworm to call in.

Who is asking for the Glowworm to call in?

Oh, Milkman.

I want to see proof that people ask for Glowworm to call in.

Glowworm will be joining us and calling Alaska.

Go to Chatworm.

Okay, listen.

We have two Walmarts in Alaska and a TGI Fridays in Alaska in Anchorage.

Oh, yeah, called TGI Fridays.

TGI Fridays in Alaska.

That would be nice.

Pimps says, Kiani, that's what the name was.

That's a funny name.

Kiani, uh, LOL, out.

He's so gangster, man.

That kid just intimidates me.

He said, I'm out.

Sleep time.

Peace.

Bless me.

You go.

Who said that?

Saigon or something.

Pimps a lot.

I don't know.

I'm trying to get Saigon to call in for once.

Yeah, Saigon submitted a number.

Why didn't Saigon call in, damn it?

I don't know.

He has my permission to call in, and he'll remain anonymous.

And he never takes me up on the offer.

He's in here for the first time in a long time.

So the invitation remains open for him to call in.

Hey, you know what?

What?

I do want to say something here.

Okay.

Last night, I was in the chat room,

And Saigon told me that he has been off alcohol since the Zolar St. Patrick's Day show.

And I had to congratulate him, man.

That's, like, pretty damn good.

I mean, anybody can lay off the booze for a while, you know, even beers or whatever, man.

You know, I got to commend him, man.

And my big, my thumbs up and a high five to Saigon.

I mean, you know, more power to you, bro.

No, man, you haven't congratulated me on not smoking weed for a month.

So now I'm upset at you.

Oh, my God.

That right there is a feat.

Yeah, it's way harder.

Were you, like, handcuffed away from your stash or what?

No, no.

I'm just, I don't have any money.

I haven't had sex in a long time.

And I'm getting a new job, so I have to be able to pass a piss test.

Andy, you're working right now at a black soul food restaurant.

Yeah, I do.

I work at a soul food restaurant.

That's why I can say the N-word, because I work at a soul food restaurant.

Oh, nigga, please.

Oh, hey.

But I thought you were like all smoked out last week or the week before last.

Well, Carlito is smoking, but I don't anymore.

Oh, okay

So you're just getting loud and crazy

No, I'm drinking

Actually, I'm drinking heavily now

That's what it is

Andy's drunk now.

I'm drinking a lot of ice.

That's what it is.

Like Saigon.

You've been rather boisterous and confrontational.

I'm an angry drunk.

Typical Andy on extra high gear there.

Yeah.

You got a problem with that?

High power.

You stupid hippie.

Oh.

Okay, TGI Friday's in Alaska.

This is confrontational.

In Anchorage, Alaska.

TGI Friday's.

Are you ready for this, Milkman?

Get ready.

For this, we have...

Milkman, get excited.

66 listeners right now.

Good.

We're gaining listeners.

Thank you for all for joining.

Yeah.

It's Friday, the unofficial start to the weekend.

Welcome to Friday.

Whoever just logged in at, like, the middle of the night, we're pretty proud and impressed.

Thank you.

So, Milkman.

Oh, yeah.

Now, that's a dedicated manhouse, man.

It is.

So, TGI Fridays in Alaska.

That's all the people who log back in when they figure Pim Sloan would be off the air

by then.

Oh, my God.

We got Baby Back.

You heard Baby Back?

No, don't ask about Baby Back.

That's Chili's.

Yeah.

I know, that's why I said ask them for it.

Carl, you have a big dirt smudge on your head.

It's funny.

Oh, that's from ashes.

See, I wish we had a webcam.

We could take a picture of that.

Yeah, we should.

You're dirty.

Look at you.

Well, you got a goober on your head.

And you got your shirt inside out.

No, it's not.

Oh, shit, my shirt is inside out.

How do you get a button-up shirt?

Tarded.

Oh, my God, what's that now?

It's a fucking...

Like, you didn't notice?

It's a Hawaiian shirt.

I couldn't tell.

It's a button-up shirt inside out.

It's a Hawaiian shirt.

Hey, ma'am, let me ask you a question.

Can I come in there in a Hawaiian shirt?

Can you come in here with a Hawaiian shirt?

In a Hawaiian shirt, yes.

Is that okay?

Is that permissible?

Wearing one?

Yeah, I don't know what your dress code is like there.

See, we don't get out much, and we hear a lot about TGI Fridays,

and it's a nice place to eat.

We usually go anywhere.

You know, sometimes we go down to the A&W Root Beer stand.

Yeah, there's no dress code at TGI Fridays.

No dress code?

No.

Okay, I mean, there is a dress code.

I mean, I'm not going to go in there.

My kids aren't going to see, like, women topless and stuff, are they?

No.

Okay, so what can...

Are you serious?

Well, I don't know.

I've never been to a TGI Fridays here.

I just want to make sure that we go dressed appropriately.

Is it business casual?

It's just casual.

Casual?

Like, khakis okay?

Like, jeans, anything you want to wear.

Clothing-wise.

Is a bow tie okay?

Yeah, whatever you'd like.

Do you ever get anybody in there with a bow tie?

With a bow tie?

Yeah.

Like, people come in dressed up, yeah.

Okay.

Alright, so what are you doing there tonight?

You working?

Yeah.

How's work treating you?

Going great.

That's good.

What's the temperature like up there in Alaska?

Are you up here?

No, no, no, no.

I'm very far away from you, as a matter of fact.

Why are you calling me Alaska, TJ Freddy?

Just, you know, shits and giggles.

Well, the temperature's actually getting really warm right now.

What's warm?

Snow's melting.

What's warm?

Looking good.

No, what's warm, I said.

Oh, it's about 40 right now.

40 degrees is warm.

Well, it's getting warm, I said.

You know what the high was today?

89 degrees.

Huh?

89 degrees.

You know how long it's been since it's rained where I live?

Do you want to know how long it's been?

Where do you live?

Florida.

It hasn't rained here in like three months, I don't think.

We've gotten one decent rain in the last three months.

One decent rain.

Do you know how hot it is?

Do you know I don't have any air conditioning in my car?

And I get stuck in traffic.

You know how really angry I get?

How angry?

You know, I tell you, it's lucky that they don't let me carry a crowbar in the front seat of my car anymore.

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That was a long time ago.

I threw one at a cop once, coming the other way. I was so pissed off. It was so hot.

It was 92 degrees that day. I hate sweating.

Sir, not to interrupt you, but did you need to make an order or anything?

Yeah, can I please?

Well, if you're not in Alaska, how are you going to make an order?

Well, I'm going to go up there and pick it up. We're on the way.

I'm really confused, but I really need to get back to work.

Can you put me on with somebody who maybe speaks better English?

Speak good English?

Or perhaps isn't a racist or, you know, doesn't hate me because of my size?

I don't even know what you look like.

You wanna know?

So how can I hate you because of your size or your race if I don't even know who you are?

I'm 422 pounds.

You're what?

422 pounds young.

You're 422 pounds?

Last time I stepped on the scale, and it broke, and it stuck on that.

Oh, shit.

Hello?

Yeah.

Hi, sir.

How are you today?

I'm 422 pounds.

How are you?

Well, that's perfectly fine.

Okay.

Are you happy with yourself?

No.

Okay.

That's why I'm coming in.

I was talking to a young lady.

She said that I couldn't come in.

Of course you say that you couldn't come in.

She said I was too far away.

Where do you live?

Florida.

Florida?

Yeah, but we're...

Well, I'm pretty sure you're welcome to go to the Fridays in Florida.

I mean, I wouldn't think that they'd deny you, but if you want to hop on a plane and come here, you can go right ahead.

It's beautiful weather here.

I'm not allowed to go on TGI Fridays in Florida anymore.

Why is that?

I broke three benches when I sat down.

Oh, three benches?

Three benches, yeah.

Well, have you tried one in Georgia or a different city in Florida?

I tried across the Georgia state line.

They stopped me and said I couldn't go in.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Well, how about Alabama or Louisiana?

Well, I'm thinking I could probably take a flight up to Alaska.

They can't stop me.

Hey.

What was that?

Why don't you shut up?

Why don't you shut up and get off the phone?

You've been nothing but really rude to me.

You'll have a good mind to call back tomorrow morning and speak to the owner.

Excuse me, sir?

I'll have a good mind to call tomorrow and speak to the owner and tell him how absolutely rude you've been to me tonight.

Okay, sir.

Well, you can go ahead and call the manager tomorrow morning.

My name is Ariel, and I'm surely...

Hey, let me write that down.

E-R-O-L.

Ariel.

What was that?

That's probably how you spell it, because you're nasty.

Because I'm, excuse me?

Because you're nasty, girl.

Oh.

You're sick, girl.

Okay, well, I'll take that as a compliment, and, um...

How do you spell your name?

E-R-O-L?

Anyway.

You're doing all the heavy breathing.

Is that Milkman?

Yeah.

Milkman, you're breathing in a microphone.

I just woke up.

I passed out.

Milkman passed out.

Oh, my God.

What are you going to kick in my chair?

I'm sorry.

I have to do it.

You're killing me.

Stop it.

Go kick the cat or something.

He's not around.

Jesus.

milk bunny ready for your news or should we just end the show hold on man i just restarted man my

pc so now i can do it i just hit the ie let's go this is don't breathe into the mic he sounds like

darth vader okay go ahead milkman just you keep working on that okay it's coming now digging the

shit the turtle head's poking out this one's the size of a kitten oh yeah i was impressed too that

she knew that which states were next to Florida.

Most people don't know that. She's like,

Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi.

She's probably from Alabama.

They got white girls up

in Alaska? What's going on up there?

It's all white people. Is it?

Maybe that's where I'll move.

I'm going to move pretty soon. To Alaska?

You know we should move to Oregon. Right now, I'm thinking

about northern

Arkansas. Northern Arkansas?

Northern Arkansas. Okay, I'm ready.

Okay, Milkman News.

Milkman, good luck.

Everybody's excited.

They want to hear your news.

Last weekend he said it was a good time to take a shit.

Milkman's coming with his horse.

If you want to go ahead and jerk off,

now is the time.

We'll be right back after this, folks.

Hang on.

Leave your list.

It's 12.14 a.m.

We'll be right back after this.

It's too doggone late.

Test to come up in the spot

looking extra for the day I die.

Stay tuned for more Madhouse.

right after this don't tell me 40 000 people are coming here they're not here and we're there

and now milkman in his news all right tonight in the headlines madhouse headlines libby bush

okay leaking classified info to make a case for iraq war dateline 4506 president bush authorized

vice president dick cheney in july of 2003 to permit mr cheney's chief of staff i lewis

Libby Jr. to leak a key portions of classified pre-war intelligence

estimates on Iraq. According to Mr. Libby's grand jury testimony, the

testimony cited in a court filing by the government late Wednesday provides the

first indication that Mr. Bush, who has long assailed leaks of

classified information as a national security threat, played a direct role in

disclosure of intelligence report on iraq at a moment that the white house was trying to defend

itself against charges that had inflated the case against saddam hussein what's that what's that all

mean plan this thing out plan this thing out and they've been wanting to go to the war and it's

been leaked so all you patriots out there that follow the patriot acts get ready because uh

somebody's going to be dialing your number back

tonight. Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

I don't understand. I'm not that smart.

No, it's what goes on the bus.

Yeah, I love this song.

Go, Mooney, go.

I love it. Okay, look,

here's a good one here, real quick here.

Delay campaign manager organizes

protest Democrats event.

That's not right.

What do you mean it's not right? It's not right to crash someone else's event.

It's Tom Delay.

What do you think, man?

Oh, is he a bad guy?

There's nothing right about Tom DeLay other than he needs to go to jail.

What did he do?

Right now.

What did he do?

Okay, here we go.

All right, we're going to roll it out.

DeLay's event.

Giovanni Lozano.

Okay, Sugar Land, Texas, April 6th.

Supporters of Representative Tom DeLay protested at an event Thursday held by the Democratic candidate for the congressman's seat.

Remember when somebody wanted to replace him.

Yay!

An event quickly dissolved into a shouting, shoving match.

Police were called in, but made an arrest.

In quotes, I got pushed, I got hit, I got a sign wadded up in my face,

and my ass hat pulled down over my eyes, said Marsha Rovay, 69, a supporter of Nick Lampson.

Quote, they just did it to be nasty.

Delay campaign manager Chris Holman said he organized a protest,

but DeLay, a wonderful

Republican, of course

didn't know anything about it.

That guy's going to jail, right?

DeLay? I mean, didn't he just

step down or something?

They're just DeLaying it.

Look at Millman with the puns.

That's enough for the news.

Everybody loves the news.

We'll come back right after this one.

I like Millman's news.

We'll wrap back up to this.

I'm going to play Fatback.

Good work.

Fuck them all.

You're going to play Fatback?

Play Fatback.

Stay tuned for more Madhouse right after this.

Hey, fuck you, mate.

Who put this thing together?

Me.

That fool.

I want to talk to Miltman.

I don't want everyone else to hear me.

Well, everybody's going to hear us.

And me and Miltman are going to talk about, like,

something we shouldn't talk about.

Look at all your shirts backwards.

You're so stupid.

You must have dropped them from the mirror.

This is on.

See you.

You do. You fucked everything up.

I didn't.

Go for a second. I'll find your damn auto.

All sinners attack.

Oh, there's more.

Oh, my God. You keep on changing the slides, and now it's like, screw it all again.

I was like, I was getting there.

It's not on here at all.

Auto?

Auto. A-T-T-A.

No. Hold on.

It's already, you gotta go into archives and shit to find that story.

No, you just, it's down here. I almost saw the things that were around.

A seven-man job 911.

Well, they're just saying that's the amount of people that could have done it.

Oh, really?

Four pilots each?

No, they're talking about the people on the inside of the buildings.

Oh, okay.

Nice.

All right, see, it is our child.

I mean, you fucked everybody out, dude.

I told you.

March.

April.

All right.

Anyway, everybody, you're listening to what we call a show,

and we are looking up a story here.

Andy's reminding me of a story that I hadn't heard about before.

Man, that's all the same stuff.

I know, it's going to be down below that fucking bat.

I know.

How do you search?

Anyway, if you want to join us here...

Alright, hang on.

It's 1-888-278-8509.

Once again, you can reach us at 1-888-278-8509.

Our attack should be around here somewhere.

What's going on?

It's finding everything that says ATTK.

It's finding attacks.

Write Abramov.

It never happened.

Abramov?

how she got to get the booths gotta get the exit a little mad uh florida gangland i'm gonna hit

this so go to the next one okay where okay here we go wait i just saw it look for the greens i

just saw it watch your ass and take it easy suncruise ships oh it was the suncruise casino

yeah okay okay jack abramoff on the suncruise suncruise ships after this guy left to mention

these articles of the star guest jack abramoff had aboard in the weeks before 9 11 muhammad

Okay, that's proof enough for me.

I don't know.

It doesn't even have a link, right?

This is pretty far-fetched.

Oh, it's Psyoc City.

God damn it.

Hello?

Carlito?

Speaking.

Okay, how was that?

New City, Iowa.

You're on the Madhouse.

Did you hang up your phone?

No, I didn't even touch the phone.

Okay, I thought you opened it.

Whoever that was, call back in.

I sound like Prankmaster, but why would he be in Iowa?

You hear his, like, hello, Carlito?

I work here to Iowa to fool you, and I could call in and mess with my own shiny mill man

I'm in the Mickey Mouse Club

It did sound like Prank Master

This is Playmaster from Susayawa

He's on a cruise ship

He's on a cruise ship?

He's working on a cruise ship

With the terrorists

I'm blowing up a warfare, yeah, an emergency raft I'm blowing up

What?

Right there

My armpit's itchy

Yeah, apparently

Everybody else get that?

Like, my armpits just kill me, dude

You need to take a shower

No, it's deodorant.

We shouldn't wear deodorant.

It fucks us up.

Yeah, well, I get itchy if I don't wear deodorant.

Is that a problem?

I think so.

Yeah, but do you think I might have a problem?

You're probably addicted to it.

You get addicted to deodorant.

Yeah, right.

Do you wear antiperspirant?

Oh, antiperspirant is so bad for you?

Yeah, yeah.

Milkman, do you wear antiperspirant?

He doesn't wear deodorant.

No.

Yeah, because it's bad for you, right?

It's lead, dude.

dude. No, you have to

sweat some, but I do wear deodorant.

Yeah, deodorant. But I try to shower maybe like

once every two, three, at least two, three

months. That's not even cool, dude.

You're disgusting.

I could go off on you on that. That's why

we don't let no man into the studio.

That's why. That's a big reason for it.

No, actually, I go and take a sea bath, right?

A sea bath?

A cock bath? A sea bath.

A cum bath. Yeah.

I let my boyfriend cum all over me.

You go out in the water,

and you got there and you soak your skin then you take the sand you wrap it on your skin and

it explodes oh that's what you do no i'm just kidding it's awesome dude okay what's that

no this is the last two calls whoever that last person was jay uh they called directly i think it

was maybe prank message got my direct phone number all they called directly i don't think

that's pretty man it doesn't matter because i haven't paid the bill in three months it's about

to get cut off and i'm gonna get a different one so it's okay you can do whatever you want

with that Nova, because I'll make it disappear

just like that, like a ninja. Anyway,

Milkman, a subpar show tonight, but

not bad. I would say, Andy, what are your thoughts

on tonight's show?

Yeah, I agree with you.

I think we were great last week.

You think so? You know, I heard that again

and I was like, wow, this is a pretty good show.

Yeah. You were drunk for that, too.

Yeah. I love everything

when I'm drunk.

Great choice of

words.

Well, that's from some dude on

on MSN. He likes that.

On MSN Messenger. Well, thank you.

And you can reach me on MSN Messenger also

if you message

madhouseradio at hotmail.com

That's madhousepcuradio

at hotmail.com. You can call us toll-free

1-888-278-8509

Milkman, any requests here?

What I can do? I got Ski and Benny

Pizza and Ivory Jacks.

Both in Alaska.

Ski and Benny Pizza?

ski and benny pizza i don't know what that's a play on i like it that sounds good telling you

what some benzadrine in your pizza that's a benny yeah benzadrine is fucked up they have that

anymore milman what do you know about benzadrine you're a hippie you like that what about benzadrine

yeah you ever get on that that's an amphetamine yeah you get on that huh no they don't get that

you can't get that shit they used to be so many good pills like in the 70s and 60s for

understand you just go to the store and buy like benzadrine and uh um nah man hell no man that

shit's it's been eight things but like the 50s i know we need to get that back and uh damn hippies

you know what i really like no man i like somas hell yeah man somas are the shit i'm gonna start

going to a doctor soon i gotta think it's so my god i like quaaludes you can't get those anymore

i think they don't even make them right they're not the same anymore uh no actually i don't think

I think they did. I mean, they're really, really hard to kill.

Hello?

Thank you, Milkman. Thank you.

God damn it.

What? I stopped talking, but the delay caught you.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

I talk, and then a second later, it gets to you.

Coconut Tree Connection.

Hang on. Ski and Benny Pizza. Now they're not going to want to talk to me.

It's the worst show ever.

Worst show ever, Andy. It's your fault.

Not my show. Oboe Street.

Hey, what are your specials tonight, sir?

For a special, we have a large two-topping pizza for $10.99.

$10.99?

Large two-topping for $20.

Two large for two-topping, okay.

And medium two-topping for $15.99.

How many inches is the large?

16 inches.

16? Do you have anything bigger than that?

We don't have special on that. We have 18 inches.

Okay, so you can give me an 18-inch pizza, though, right?

Do you carry an 18-inch pizza?

Yes, sir.

Okay. Topping-wise, how crazy can you guys get?

Yeah, like I'm looking to get every single topping that you carry on that pizza tonight.

We have mushroom, black olives.

Okay, all that.

Italian sausage, pineapple.

All that, everything, everything.

Tomato, jalapeno.

Everything.

Pepperoni, hamburger, Canadian bacon, and fine.

Ah, what's up?

Hamburger, yes, I like hamburger too.

Do you need to take that lime?

Can you hold on for a second, sir?

Hurry up.

Is it Alaska?

That's Indian.

Is it?

I think so.

Is it Indian?

Is it Alaska?

No, I believe that.

He's not even talking English right now.

They also sell bennies out there.

Nacho, nacho cheese.

Ask more about Ben's Journey.

Okay.

Hello?

Hello, hello.

Yes, I'd like to make that order now.

This is for delivery or pickup?

Pickup.

What toppings do you like, sir?

Everything that you have.

Oh, you want everything, sir?

Everything, everything, everything.

That's $19.99.

Oh, that's not bad.

I'll do it.

Okay.

What do you call that?

Supreme, sir.

Wow.

Supreme.

Do you have Ben's?

This is Benzadrine, Supreme Sir.

This is Ski and Bendy, do you have any Benzadrine?

Uh, we have, uh, Kemp and Bottle and Juice, sir.

Okay, Benzadrine and Bottles?

Yes, sir.

Okay, I'll take about any...

You got any Ski?

Your name, sir?

Can you Ski on that for me?

Pardon me, sir?

Ski, can you Skeet on that for me?

What do you mean, sir?

Come on, you know what Skeet is.

Ski?

Ski, yeah.

I don't know what Ski, sir.

Is there anybody that you can ask, maybe they can tell you?

It's a certain style of pizza, Ski.

S-K-E-E-T.

I don't know about that, sir. That's the first time I hear that about pizza.

Okay, well, find out about it, okay?

How do they want me to do it? Like, we have pink grass, thick grass?

I don't know. Just get a few of you guys back there all in a circle around a pizza and just skeet on it. There you go.

Okay.

That's it?

Yeah, just how many guys you got working there right now? How many guys you got there now?

By myself right now. My driver's on delivery.

So you're by yourself? Just you? Okay, that's fine. Well, we'll just take yours then, okay?

Okay. What's your name?

Is there any extra charge for that skeet?

I don't know what's the meaning of that, sir.

Okay, but you're going to do it no matter what, right?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

Just regular pizza.

Like, you know, you sold pizza.

Yeah, with some skeet and Benzedrine on it.

Okay?

Two bottles.

I don't know about that, sir.

Do you know where we're at, sir?

Yeah, you're over there in Mahika Street.

Pardon me?

Bilbo Street.

You know where's Bilbo Street, sir?

Over next to Dildo Street.

I

think you have a hard time to find this one.

Okay, why don't you give me directions?

Where you come from, sir?

From the hotel.

What's the name of the hotel?

Best Western.

Best Western Hotel.

Yes.

What's the address? There's like three Best Westerns here.

120 Bilbo Street.

The one farthest from you.

No, the address of the hotel, sir.

It's the one farthest from you.

Oh, there's no Best Western here?

You just said there's three, then what, are you lying to me now?

No.

What's going on over here?

You got the wrong number, man.

What are you trying to pull here?

What are you trying to pull here, huh?

Is it some kind of funny business, sir?

No.

You're lying, man.

What kind of funny business is this?

You said there's three of them now.

You're funny, motherfucker.

I am funny.

I'm going to go over there.

I'm going to...

That's a good drop.

Yeah.

You're funny, motherfuckers.

We're not coming here again.

You're funny, motherfuckers.

You make me laugh.

One.

Fifty-four.

Minutes.

The drug they use in a brave new world.

Thanks for calling Ivory Jackson to get me off here.

Hey, how you doing?

Um, you still seating tonight?

Yeah.

Okay.

What kind of fare do you have there? I'm not sure, I just saw Ivory Jackson in the, in the, uh, phone book here.

I'm in town, here in Fairbanks, and I was...

What?

We have hamburgers, we have pizza, we have halibut.

Halibut.

Crab legs.

Heh, halibut.

How do you spell halibut?

That's how I get it sound, halibut.

But, with two T's?

One.

The best way to end the show off tonight, me making a fart nose into the point.

Fart nose into the point.

Andy, any shout-outs to give out today?

No, I don't want to talk to anyone.

I'm happy you got your electric.

Let's do another call, bro.

Come on, we're on a roll.

You got your electric back.

Milkman wants us to keep going, but it's just...

Yeah, keep going.

I don't have anything to do.

Come on, we've only had this.

This is only like our third good call.

Let's do it, man.

What?

Anyway, 420...

Two couple calls.

No, we're out.

We're out of numbers.

It's dead.

It's dead and buried.

Tina Ferry says that was immature.

Yes, it was.

Yes, it was, but we're going to call it a night.

So, Milkman, would you like to say your goodbyes?

Now's the time.

All righty.

And begin.

Are you ready?

Hold on.

It's Prankmaster again.

All right.

Somebody's calling in.

Yeah, go ahead.

Hello, Prankmaster, go.

Hey, hold on.

I'll be you calling.

You're not ready?

Oh, no.

You hang up on him?

He hangs up himself.

Milkman, see how your rivalry with Prankmaster is ruining the show?

Anyway, so, Milkman, go ahead.

Show's over.

No more calls.

Sorry, guys.

Guys, we'll catch us next week.

I know it wasn't a perfect show, but we tried what we could.

But Milkman now is going to do our normal sign-off.

Milkman, begin now.

All right, man.

I'd like to give out a big shout-out to all my friends out there,

especially Mr. Madman.

He provides us with wonderful chat room in here.

Everybody can come in and have a nice slap around.

These guys keep me laughing.

I'm sorry.

I didn't think he had my mic on.

You want to stick a fork in that or you want to continue?

No, I fucked up my bad mill, man.

Just take a sock in it, man.

Yeah, I will.

I'll take my sock off my fucking foot and I'll put it in my mouth, you stupid hillbilly.

Okay.

Hillbilly hit me.

Go ahead, mill man.

Don't pay attention to him.

He's wearing red tonight.

All right, here we go.

So I'd like to give a big shout out and thank you to Madman.

He provides us a wonderful chat room, man.

Everybody come in here.

And also I'd like to give a big shout out to Dr. Lego, who provides us with our wonderful stream.

dream let's let's just come into your house every night bring some wonderful calls keep you laughing

man that's what it's all about man my gosh if you can't laugh then why do it and katie k our

benevolent sponsor he's our man he's the man around here and we all love him we appreciate

what he does for us because of katie k this is all this is all possible man i'm sorry

we're looking at you're calling well no i got the phone number to the guy who keeps calling

and hanging up. I'm thinking about giving it out.

No, I'm not going to give it out, but I can tell

who it is. Who is it?

Hell yeah! Alexander J.

If they want to call and hang up, let's

share the number. No, it's okay.

Third strikes a charm. Charm, it's okay.

Charm.

Third strikes a charm.

There we go. Alright, KDK,

I'd like to thank you so much

for giving us this wonderful opportunity

to come in and entertain here.

We sure do love you guys, and

And I'm glad that you came on to the show last night.

I did catch it, man.

I laughed my butt off.

Thanks a lot, man.

You're the man.

I'd also like to thank everybody in our chat room.

Everybody that showed up to join in.

All our friends out there at Hit Parade.

And I know you guys love us.

And you show us by all our numbers.

Hitbox, what is it?

Hit City.

Hit Parade.

You're the Hit Parade, you guys.

It's a Hit Parade, dumb boys.

or even on their cell phone

alright hit city

yeah man

hit city man

we love you man really we do

we're glad to have you guys on

and thanks a lot and everybody

that's still tuned in you know thanks a lot

man you know

if we get a couple little words in with four letters

in you know just scratch it man

it's alright we love you man we mean well

fuck it right okay

and I'd like to thank everybody at PCU

all our friends there at PCU because you know what

You listeners, this is what it's all about.

We do it for you.

We ain't making a dime.

We're spending money.

We're making.

We're buying entertainment for you.

No, me and Carlito are making a lot of money.

Yep, we sure are.

I just bought a Cadillac.

Well, I know you've been selling them rocks and Benzadrine all night,

so you probably do got a pocket full of money.

I'm competing with Pimp Slut.

Pimp Slut.

I took his corner while he called in.

He's so gangster.

He stole his corncob pipe and it's been a sack of rocks, man.

Yes.

Actually, I use a cigar case.

All you listeners out there, man, if you're missing a cigar case,

come and see if you can purchase that off of Andy.

You have to identify it.

You're going to have to be able to properly identify it,

give an exact count of rocks that you're missing.

You may get something out of it.

But all the listeners out there, man, we love you, man.

This is what it's all about, man.

You guys make it all happen.

Real quick, shout out to my friends down there in the Philippines.

I'm going to say hey to Irma and Huggy, Lighty, everybody down here in Pacific, man.

I've got another friend that just joined in.

Message me.

Hey, Melinda.

Melinda.

Sorry that you didn't get a shout-out earlier, but we're glad to have you on here at the end of the show.

Melinda, you never say anything nice about me.

Show us some titties, Melinda.

Yeah.

What do you mean I never say anything nice?

Titties is like our mainstay.

What are you talking about?

Can I get a shout-out?

The guy that busts my butt.

No, I'm nice to you.

I always include Andy in the Madhouse shout-out, but I will make a specific reference here.

About how great I am.

I want to thank so much Carlito, who allows us to have all this fun in the Madhouse and bring this insanity

and give us the wonderful sidekick punch in my mouth, Andy.

My buddy, the hippie hater, Andy, who I love so much, who keeps me all the time watching my backside here.

What?

Andy, thanks so much.

Okay.

Hey, that was a little bit better, yeah.

Salve.

With his stupid Puerto Rican...

That's Puerto Rican music.

Oh, man.

The pitch of the bottle changes the more you drink.

What a retard you are.

With your inside...

I'll bring my road cam next week.

So you're going to have my backwards Hawaiian shirt?

Yeah, your backwards Hawaiian shirt with the fucking seam sticking out.

and the thing is

you buttoned it up

inside out

like you knew

the whole time

you were doing it

I don't ever

how do you button up

listen

I don't ever

unbutton or button

my shirts

I button them once

and I leave them

like that

how does that work

you can't

like a Hawaiian shirt

that fits right

you can't slide it on

buttoned up

I always wear my

shirts loose enough

that I can

I don't have to

ever unbutton them

that must be

one big shirt

what size is that

it's a 3X actually

that's bullshit

it is a 3X

it's either a 2 or a 3X

Climax.

It's faded out.

You can't even read it.

You can't really?

I bought this on...

You did?

No, no, no.

I bought this in St. Thomas, actually, on the beach.

It's like a Hawaiian Caribbean.

This late...

Not St. Thomas.

It was...

Where was it I went to?

St. Croix.

Jamaica.

I went to St. Thomas.

I bought it on the beach there.

I was like, give me the biggest one you have.

She's like, okay.

She ran away.

And she came back with a tarp.

And she came back with...

She's like, it's 3X.

I was like, okay.

That's got to be four.

You can wear a 3X?

It might be 4X.

I mean, you can wear a 3X.

Have you ever seen a car that looks like Millman?

I'm not in a 3X.

He looks like Combo Guy.

I don't know what size he is.

Don't look like Combo Guy.

I know what a picture looks like about 50 years ago.

Bullshit.

You weigh more than me.

Yeah, but I'm like a foot taller than you.

So it doesn't matter, but I used to weigh more than you.

I'm like six inches taller than you.

I weigh 287.

That's why I weigh today at the plasma place.

You're like two or three inches taller.

Oh, boy.

Bullshit.

I'm 6'2".

You're 5'6".

I'm six foot.

No, you're not 6 foot.

What a liar.

I am not 5'6", man.

You are not 6 foot, you.

I am.

You are not 5'11".

Bull, nobody buys that.

Yes, I am.

Nobody buys that.

5'11", 6 foot on a good day.

I'm in way better shape than you.

Whatever.

It's not even close.

You're like 2 inches taller than me.

3 or 4 inches at least.

That's still not enough.

3 or 4 inches.

How much do you weigh?

3 or 4 inches.

How much do you weigh?

You chubby bastard.

I weigh 258.

That's bullshit.

Yeah, I do.

You're a son of a bitch, man.

That's bullshit.

Nobody buys that.

You're so fat.

You weigh more than me.

I do, but I'm way taller than you.

You're like two inches taller.

Hey, Millman, my shoulders are really wide, too.

Mine are, too.

You got big bones.

Don't listen to him.

It's true, but I'm in way better shape than you.

We both look awful with our shirts off, but I look slightly better.

Listen here, man.

Man, if y'all want to lose more weight, all you do is get bronchitis and have it for about six months,

and you'll lose about 40 or 50 pounds.

I do that once a year around Christmas time.

I get bronchitis.

I know what you're going through, buddy.

There you go, man.

Well, mine has been lasting since clear before Christmas.

I hack up green shit.

I lost almost 50 pounds, man.

You got the nice green loogies?

Oh, man, it's beyond that, man.

You get blood in them?

dude like i had a really bad one i i go in the shower i turn on the hot water i'd sit in there

for a long time and then spit it out and they'd be like green dude with like veins in it it was

gross yeah it'd be like veiny yeah mine wasn't too bad like that but mostly mine was just i had

fever a lot i couldn't eat very much i would get nauseous i want to vomit and then if i did eat

then i'd have diarrhea man and it was just it was terrible man everything i ate was as soon as

i ate it was gone nothing was sticking that's what happens to stupid unhealthy hippies yeah

no man i'm telling you man if you want to take the diet and you want to lose 40 or 50 pounds

i'm down to where i can wear a 1x and a 2x now how tall are you i was wearing carlito's shirt

last year how tall are you mil man how tall am i yeah 5 10 he's a midget like you he i bet he's

taller than you carlito i bet he's taller than you you're not 5 10 dude i don't even think you're 5

5'10".

You're out of your freaking mind.

You're like 5'9".

You're out of your freaking mind.

I'm not 5'9".

There's no way I'm 5'9".

You're short.

Well, man, don't you believe that you're short?

Carlito is not tall as me?

No, I doubt it.

No.

Really?

We're the same height.

That was a new line.

I thought we were like the same height, but you were a little taller than me.

5'11".

Yeah, you guys are probably about the same height.

I'm like 6'2".

I'm tall.

All right.

I got wide shoulders.

All right.

Now, describe yourself.

yourself carly do you have like a big head i have childbearing hips childbearing hips that's enough

he's got a big head i'm looking at it right now it's huge i have a huge head man you got a giant

noggin i believe that no it looks like a freaking basket dude like jerry lewis man i would have to

take when i wear hard hats they have to order a special hard hat because my brain case is so large

and the sad thing is there's nothing inside of it anymore it's all bullshit it's all milk it's all

milk that's why they call me milk floating in milk i'll take a piss the way i always picture

andy is this okay andy andy okay i'm probably wrong but i'm going to just i'm going to give

my verbal or my uh auditory uh i'm interested go ahead blondish hair uh he has glasses no

maybe wears a hat

he wears jeans

maybe a plaid shirt

he smokes Marlboro cigarettes

maybe chews tobacco sometimes

he's wrong

and my hair is brownish

and I have green eyes

I'm beautiful

I didn't comment on your eyes

I'm just telling you

that's the only thing I got going for me

so I let you know

green eyes

well they're half green half brown this is gay that's why your loogies are that's why your

loogies come out green yeah no man i picture you as like um cletus on the simpsons but with

really long hair and a huge adam's apple and um uh like you know rickets or something like that

like you're all hunched over probably in a wheelchair in a wrestle school you have like

I don't even know who the hell Cletus is, but I think it sounds great.

You don't watch The Simpsons?

No, I don't watch The Simpsons no more.

That's still too...

Cletus is Slackjaw Yokel.

Yeah, look it up.

Look it up.

I don't have even my TVs unplugged.

I haven't unplugged all my TVs, man.

He's got no TV service.

About eight months ago.

Okay, well, everybody, that's it for the night.

Thank you, Andy.

Thank you, Milkman.

It's me, Milkman Flirt.

Wait a minute.

Don't book out of there.

Wait a minute.

What?

Now, okay, we got a description of me.

me we got a description of andy i want to hear a description of our wonderful host not this like

50 year old picture with this big old you know the the brothers do there i want to look let's

get a description of our host he looks like a that picture's a year old like last week no man

he looks like a light brown my ass dude no man he's a light brown beach ball he's about four

Four foot tall and he's round.

Four foot tall.

I've shrunk like...

He's got the most disgusting feet you've ever seen, ever.

The later we end this show, the shorter I am.

He's got big feet?

Yeah, no, just disgusting.

There's all sorts of shit going on with his feet.

Yeah.

There's like...

I got bad feet.

I've always had bad feet.

There's like, petrusions and like, calluses and like, humps.

Yeah, I got a wart right there.

Well, that's just because he wears two small shoes.

Yeah, well, he's got small, girly feet.

I'm a size 13, I'll have you know.

Your shoes aren't bigger than mine

You've been shitting on me all night

Go fetch my shoes

I wear a size 13

Good

Me and Milkman are the same size

Retarded

So he wears a 13 too

I do wear a 13

So here's the thing man

If you have a big head

And you have a big piece of gear

You need big feet to balance it all

So Carlito man

High five bro

Okay.

All right.

Now you and Milt Maddox are comparing genitalia size.

I guess so.

Now we had to get gay.

I didn't.

The girls in college used to call Carlito Thundercock.

Yeah, that's what it was.

Yeah, that's true.

They didn't call him Kickstand?

No, Thundercock.

Thundercock.

True story.

But that's a story for another one.

I don't even know where in the hell that one comes from, man.

Well, give us a brief scenario of how that began.

That's what they called him, stupid.

just call me

Thundercock

that's Thundercock

we call Carlito

Thundercock

they're all black guys

Thundercock

what's wrong with that

it speaks for itself

no man

alright guys

so like

when you like

when you got that

booty clapping

it clapped like

thunder right

and they call you

Thimblecock

they call him

Thundercock

alright we're ending

the show

I said

alright you guys

and you shut up

because you keep

antagonizing Milkman

he gets over there

starts talking bullshit

anyway

I keep playing

with these two

beer caps

Oh, whoa.

Jesus Christ.

Now he's angry.

Okay, that's enough.

Put him in your ear, man.

Put him in your ass.

Yeah.

That's a stupid redneck.

All right, everybody.

That hurt.

Be sure to keep listening to PCU.

There's a show on every week.

I don't have to say more.

Visit KDKPrintCalls.com and check out the schedule.

Who's on tomorrow?

Lego and Zolar.

Lego at 8.

What time does Lego come on?

Legos at 8 p.m. Eastern.

Zolar is at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Joop is going to be starting his show at 6 p.m. Eastern as a special on Saturday,

followed by KDK at 10 p.m. Eastern.

He's on a four-hour show, Joop.

That's right.

On Sunday, you probably won't hear anything.

You might hear Sean Ward if you're lucky, but probably not.

Monday nights, nothing.

Tuesday nights, Keith will start around 10 o'clock and finish around 11.30,

and then KDK will go on on Wednesday.

He's on Wednesdays now?

now, or is that... He was on last Wednesday.

If not, then he won't be. What can I say? I don't know

what's going on anymore, dude. I'm out of the loop.

Out of the loop, my friend. Okay?

Out of the loop. Exactly. Just like

you've been for the last 30 years.

Yeah.

The 60s are over, you stupid hippie.

Alright.

Maybe I'm still dodging the draft.

Thank you, Milkman, for joining us.

We'll have a new one soon. Thank you, Andy, for

antagonizing.

Yeah.

And we'll catch y'all here next week.

10-4, good buddy.

Breaker, breaker, one-nine.

Isn't that a gay person?

Bye, Ellie.

What the fuck is this dude?

I don't know.

What the fuck is this dude?

I don't know.

I just gave it to her today.

It doesn't interrupt me.

What the fuck is this dude?

Man, I can't kill a tree.

We're gonna straight beat your butt, buddy.

I'm gonna...

What the fuck is this?

Oh, God.

Man, you gay, man.

What?

You don't know who you is, dude.

Who the fuck is you, you fucking pervert?

You know what I did?

Yeah, he can be.

I don't know, he get my number.

I got your dirty laundry.

I got your dirty laundry over here.

Dude, who is you?

On my face.

I don't want to ask you what I'm saying.

I don't want nobody else in my house.

I'm fucked up on one person right here, and that person for the rest.

You like listening to me on the phone?

Yeah.

Calling me from blocked number.

I ain't no blocked number.

What you need to do is hang up, I don't, but I'm...

Look, hey, I heard your whole conversation, don't, don't make me call, call the police.

What kind of police is this?

Yeah, you know what's up, yeah, I got you.

I'm gonna blackmail you.

Oh, I'm so scared.

You jive turkey ass motherfucker, what's your problem now?

Jive turkey, you bitch.

You didn't hear, boy.

You jive turkey motherfucker.

Who, who, who's this bitch on, what's your name?

Man, you can show me a place where I'm about to go whoop some motherfuckers ass,

cause I don't even know who the fuck you talking about.

How much you gonna charge, you guys? Take somebody over here to the taxi cab.

Man, this ain't no motherfucking taxi cab.

I don't come fucking picking somebody up. I don't want this goddamn ass.

I kicked the ass of y'all little bitches and your goddamn mother.

What?

Your mother.

You motherfucking nigger. How you like that, you piece of shit?

I'm not a fucking nigger. I'm a bitch.

You nigger motherfucker.

This is how you nag him, man.

What?

Man, I'm a motherfucking bitch that pried the goddamn phone.

This is a white man that don't want to hear from no goddamn niggas calling me in the fucking middle of the night.

Listen, listen, boy, listen, boy, listen, boy.

I'll show you a boy in a 12-gauge shotgun, motherfucker.

Listen, cracker.

Three letters.

Listen here, cracker.

You call me cracker, I'll show you some fucking three-letter motherfuckers.

I'll see you here.

Are you Michael Frazier?

Man, this ain't Michael Frazier, man.

This is a white man.

Look, let me just ask you real quick.

First of all, why don't you shut the hell up?

Yo, fuck you, fucking bitch.

Fuck you, you stupid bitch.

Please come to New York.

Yeah, how you guys doing, man?

I'm staying in Honolulu.

I'm out of town from the United States.

You know what I'm saying?

Nope.

And I like chicken.

On Tahiti Street?

Yes.

Give me some chicken.

I have a delivery.

A to the K, yo.

A to the KFC.

We don't have a delivery.

Dip a wing in your pocket and run it up to me?

Yeah, but I'm only one over here.

I cannot drop a chicken on you.

We would give you a couple hundred dollars, though.

Are you ready?

I wish I was the governor.

Just pretend I'm sitting on you, okay?

No problem?

Okay.

I don't got to go.

Yeah.

I got to go.

Please do wash your hands.

Yeah.

Some kind of license you have where you have to do this stuff.

So this is a very interesting radio you have.

Very interesting radio thing.

you have that you know because like that's um it just shows me that you have like nothing going

no i got plenty this is what we do man i do this all the time i get lots of what you do like

talk stupid yeah yeah really huh people actually listen to this shit people everybody loves this

shit man oh hey not everybody because anybody with a half a brain that i know don't listen

anybody half a brain would listen to this show instead of eating your shitty ass pizza

how old are you 13 yeah fucking right you sound like you're fucking 18 or 19 i'm 13 i said

Yeah, right.

Yes, I was born 13 years ago, last Friday.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

I'm hanging up, and you better not call.

Do you have stripes in your underwear?

Do I have what?

Stripes in your underwear.

You are a sick fuck.

Come on, let me talk to your sister, man.

Be a pal.

No!

Have you ever seen your sister naked?

No!

Calls (20, 45 min of 2 h 55 min)

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