2006-04-13 Show (part 1)

They may have been the forefathers of the Egyptians, the Altecs, or the Mayans.

That they may have been the architects of the Great Pyramids, or the lost civilizations of Lemuria, or Atlantis.

Some believe that there may yet be brothers of man who even now fight to survive somewhere beyond the heavens.

There will be no order, only chaos.

That being said, grab a blunt, take a big hit, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

The following is an exclusive of PCU Radio and MadHouseLive.com.

Flight controllers, listen up.

Give me a go, no, go for longs.

Rooster.

Go.

Retro.

Go.

Vital.

Go fly.

Guidance.

Guidance go.

Surgeon.

Go fly.

Just go.

We're go fly.

GNC.

We're go.

Tell me.

Go.

Control.

Go fly.

Procedures.

Go.

Inco, FAO, ARGO, Network, Discovery, Capcom, Launch Control, this is Houston, we are going for launch.

Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained?

Is this not why you are here?

I know drug real from real real.

Chris, I take real today.

First of all, um...

I can't talk on this phone line.

If you give me the room number and the last name, I can call you.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you!

Fuck you fucking piece of shit!

Maybe he's only a little crazy, like painters or composers or some of those men in Washington.

Pasquale!

You son of a bitch, speak English, American.

You son of a bitch, you mother fucking, you speak in Spanish.

I know, you speak English, I see.

You mother fucking, you mother fucking.

All right, go ahead, man.

You other bitch.

Motherfucker, you.

You bitch.

Don't never, don't never fall against these boys, man.

Mow my lawn, mow my lawn.

You motherfucker.

Why are you so angry?

Where's my squalor?

Fuck you, man.

We're so high right now.

We're not low.

Smoke weed every day.

Niggas, choke blunts up.

You're now listening to Bizarre Soap Cap Circus.

And I'm your boy, Young Miles, the future.

And my man's about to get it crackin' for y'all.

The band has a new lead singer

Everybody put your motherfuckin' hands up

Number one with

This a nigga with the cat

Kickin' a nasty

Dirty 50 rap

Good evening everybody

It's uh

10pm sharp

And we're starting on time

How about that Andy?

That's great

We did something right

Yes

I think I know why it happened

We didn't have to wait on a certain somebody

Yeah

We'll get to that later but

Okay

Hey everyone

No not Gandhi

We're close

You're not going on

I'm taking a shit

Do not stop yet.

I need to listen.

I'm going to tape it and edit it and send it to you.

I need to fuck a goat.

I'm glad I didn't fuck a goat, Andy.

Why would you say that?

Okay.

I was wrong.

Hey, everybody.

It's the Madhouse.

You're listening.

It's Thursday, April the 13th.

It's 10.01 p.m. Eastern, which would mean it's 1.

No, it's not 1 a.m. in California.

It's 7 p.m. on the West Coast, and my phone's ringing.

Milkman's calling the cell phone, which he knows for a fact is not connected to the computer.

I don't know why he would do that.

Why don't you talk to him?

You don't like him anymore?

I'm talking on the show.

If I start talking to the cell phone, it goes all like, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee.

Like, it makes that weird noise and shit.

Yeah, but now he's probably sad that no one talked to him.

He knows to call the other number.

He's like my dad.

He'll call in two seconds.

Watch.

Oh, no.

Well, he'll talk to the voicemail.

That's what Milkman does.

Hey.

Hey, Carlito, pick up.

Hello.

Are you there?

Can you hear me?

Can you hear?

Okay.

Did he really?

Then he goes, okay, man.

Okay, man.

Hey, you got my phone.

I need that one.

That's the master phone.

Whatever.

It's from St. Croix.

I know who that is.

Hey, crotch.

Da Dad, you're on the air.

Shouldn't be, Dad.

What's up, Hector?

Milkman, we're just starting the show.

Okay.

Here on the line with me, I have none other than the Milkman.

What's up, Milkman?

Hey, you're on the air?

We're on the air right now.

We started on time.

Without you, things get done.

Oh.

Those are not here.

Oh, my God.

God, well, now you can't blame me about it, so...

We just did it.

So, yeah.

Anyway, so we're telling everybody that apparently Prankmaster has sent you a virus

or done something to your computer, and you're not able to be with us tonight.

Is that true?

Well, yeah, I've definitely got PC problems, and so I'm sorry.

I apologize to everybody.

I'm sure going to miss it.

I'm sure going to miss not being able to join in and be on the coconut tree on my banana phone

and join in through the satellite link.

I heard that he poisoned the monkeys that you have that power your whole setup there.

He put poison in their dog food.

Well, I think he did poison the bananas, because that's what I normally see in bananas.

They turn this little treadmill, like a little wheel that hamster cages have.

I got just the perfect size for my monkeys.

They fell over.

They fell over dead, man.

I think he had a heart attack.

He got him hooked on bad heroin.

That's what he did.

Bad heroin.

He gave him bad smack.

Did you teach your monkey to shoot heroin, man?

Yeah, I noticed it.

You know, they did have these little brown spots in their little pants there,

so I don't know if that had anything to do with it or not, you know.

I give them meth during the day and heroin at night.

They work like motherfuckers.

They did look like you were penetrated, too.

Yeah, wow.

Like, digital penetration was a thing.

Are you serious?

In the bathing suit area.

oh man yeah i was pretty disgusted man yeah you know here's what got a whole thing started

currently though i noticed this plated blue raft right down the road right here real fly where the

ocean comes up by uh there and it's just kind of strange coincidence deflated blue wrap and you

know and uh you know my my servants you know all getting attacked and dying it's your service no

man's land it's like the end of scarface actually he's overthrowing so i think praying master is

He's actually there overthrowing the communist government of the St. Croix, which you were in charge of, right?

Well, I think that last I heard, he was on the Disney Cruise Line.

It's a civil dispute.

So, all of a sudden, a civil dispute.

And seriously, Milkman, there is, and not a lot of people know about this, it's not being reported on the news,

but there's a lot of civil unrest right now on the Virgin Islands, correct?

Yeah, it's pretty tough, man, actually.

There's been a lot of rioting, I hear, and a lot of losses.

All the organized establishments around here, they've got people surrounding them, they've got big fires burning out in front of places, you know, the grocery stores and stuff.

You know, it's pretty terrible, man, right now. I'm kind of worried. Luckily, I'm holed up here in my bunker up here on the mountain.

Yeah, because they love white people there.

Yeah, they really like to tear you apart.

You know, I think there's probably like a big barbecue tonight, you know, if you want some white chicken, man

I think you can go down there by the bar and you can get some, man

There may be some out tonight, man, for free.

Hey, man, I made a milkman belt.

A milkman belt?

Yeah, man, a milkman belt.

I use his long head in the belt.

I just keep my milk to myself, man. I ain't gonna go down that damn hill.

I braided his hair into a rope to hang him with.

Yeah, man.

We don't know what's gonna happen to that. So I'm in the middle of mine gonna see right up here here on this mountain

I didn't see down and watch the fires burn down. I didn't I didn't even know there was unrest in Haiti

Virgin Islands, St. Croix

Yeah, it's been kind of hush hush it's been really hard stress you didn't want anybody know about it because

There's a phrase that you know, if word got out that there's you know, this writing and unrest here

Yeah, I wouldn't go.

They may send the National Guard in here, but if they send them in here,

what are they going to do without them?

What are they going to do without the National Guard over in Iraq?

Yeah, whoever it is, it's Milkman.

No, it's Milkman.

That's not Milkman.

I'm sure I'm right.

That's not Milkman.

That's Milkman.

That does not sound like it.

Milkman, these are your pictures you sent me, right?

You by the beach.

I got you here.

This is him in the middle there.

And that's Samoan.

Millman, you look like a Samoan.

Are you part Samoan?

He's part Samoan.

Yeah, look at the hair.

Crazy.

That might be him.

Oh, man, I'm black, dude.

What's wrong with you, dude?

Can't you tell?

Are you blind?

No, Millman, what's your racial heritage?

Black.

No, you're not.

I'm black.

I'm proud African black, dude.

Oh, man, what kind of shit you trying to stir up there?

You kidding me, man?

That's what made me go down and break by on your ass.

I'm going to have to get some of my pimps down in there, man.

Man, man, shut up now.

Don't be talking shit now.

Little man, are you a Samoan or a Maury or an Indian?

What the hell is that, man?

A Samoan?

He's manned by the Girl Scouts.

I don't eat those, man.

I like the mint pin.

Is he only half Spanish?

Like you, Carlito?

No, my friend is half Japanese.

Is he?

Yes.

Are you half Japanese, little man?

Of course.

All right.

African and Japanese.

He's not African and Japanese.

Yeah, African, Japanese, German.

Let's see.

I'm also Puerto Rican, Irish.

English, Scottish, Cherokee, also Italian, and a little bit of French.

Wow.

Yeah.

So seriously, we're going to...

Did I leave anything off?

No.

So you're pretty much...

Oh, I forgot.

Okay, now I got them off.

You can't date anyone in my family.

Sorry, buddy.

All right, man.

I see how it is, man.

I know.

It's once again, you know, it's just, you know, it's more of this racial profiling.

Yeah, I mean, no, man.

Actually, I don't think you have anything to worry about with a riot and shit.

You'd probably be their leader.

You could be their...

Well, I'm the mastermind, dude.

I'm the mastermind.

That's my role.

You do your taxes, Milkman?

Yeah.

Yeah?

What did you get back this year?

Uh, nothing.

Oh, that's not good.

Well, you know what they say.

I don't like refunds.

Nothing from nothing leaves nothing.

Yeah, I don't do the refund thing and shit whenever possible.

You let the government keep it, huh?

Nah.

I want them to pay off the debt.

Milkman, I don't know if you're keeping it.

Actually, I want them to re-rec George Bush with it.

Milkman, you can't be in the chat room, but I'm updating you.

Mike and T has said that, um, Milkman is salmon.

You're a fish?

You're a fish, apparently.

I gotta go spawn up river.

Don't salmon, like, swim up river and die?

I'm gonna swim up to Ohio and spawn, and then I'm gonna die.

There you go.

I like it.

I like salmon now, man.

I'll eat it.

I'm a cannibal.

But seriously, you're not what we imagined, but you're a great guy, and we're gonna seriously

miss you.

And you're gonna miss Milkman.

Yeah, I'm gonna call him Salmon.

You're going to miss Milkman tonight.

I'm sure he's going to call in every week, and we can talk to him, and eventually he'll be back on.

Milkman, let's do a prank call.

Okay, well, I guess Andy's not going to answer.

He's not going to miss me.

No, I just said I would.

What are you talking about?

All right, well, I didn't hear you.

Don't be a passive-aggressive dick, Milkman.

Don't be passive-aggressive towards me, dude.

We're good friends.

No, I didn't hear you, so I wasn't sure if you were busting my chops.

No, listen, I'll repeat what I said.

But Millman will eventually be back, and, you know, I'm sure he'll call in every week,

and then I would be real happy.

I would suppose.

Right?

I would suppose so.

Until, like, he, you know, finishes overthrowing the Virgin Islands government, and he takes over.

I'm the new Miles C. Sun.

Miles C. Sun.

Yeah.

The Island of Milk.

This is what we're going to name it, the Island of Milk.

Man, I can't wait.

You got a slingshot that'll throw a coconut a quarter mile.

All right.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll be the emperor of Milk City.

I'm going to build a Death Star.

Me and all my cows.

All right, let's move on, Milkman.

Just to let you know what's going on right now,

we have 34 listeners on PCU.

Isn't that great?

Yeah!

That sounds kind of bad.

Don't we do it more now?

Yeah, normally we do.

And actually, numbers have been really bad lately.

That's because Milkman hasn't been here.

Because Milkman hasn't been here.

Let's see if we're on Hit City.

Oh, Hit Parade, right.

You can tell we're on hip rate because they dropped 12 listeners already.

Well, hey, okay, so everybody, you're listening to us on the Madhouse Radio Network,

and we're on PCU Prank Call Underground Radio.

That's kdkprankcalls.com, K-D-K, as in kill, death, kill, kdkprankcalls.com.

What?

Yay.

No?

That's not bad.

That's not bad?

The way I'm talking?

Yeah, I think you've got the two microphones.

You've got feedback going on there.

How about that?

There we go.

Maybe that's better.

Oh, shit.

It's probably your phone.

Your phone sucks.

Fuck yeah.

Anyway.

We've got to get better phones in here.

Anyway, and we're also on HitCity.

HitCity Radio.

Are you sure we're on there?

Yes, we are.

We're on the air, and we're on both networks right now.

Oh, wow.

We had another 22.

We're down to 20 now.

So we've lost...

Hey!

When we started, he was maxed out at his 32,

but you're listening to us on HitCity Radio.

Please stay on.

Yeah, listen to us, man.

We play music.

I know you're all listening to music on iTunes and stuff,

and you're listening to us, and we ask you to stay with us.

Don't be a dick.

Anyway, HitCity playing all the hits from yesterday.

That's all right.

Damn it, man.

HitCity Radio playing all the hits from yesterday and today,

and that's HitCity.Aim-Planet.com.

HitCity.Aim-Planet.com.

There we are, man.

There we are.

Hey, listen, man.

Just because we have some music all day,

You know, we can give them a little air-cam in the evening, a couple laughs, and try on for a size.

What the hell was that?

I guarantee you, if you stick around, you're going to get some laughs.

Come on over and join in the chat room.

Join the chat room.

I guarantee you, you're going to be able to have some fun there.

Play with people around there and knock around and have some fun with.

Right.

Call into the show later on.

Carlito is a very gracious host.

As soon as we let you go.

He also has a post for your line-in.

He'll release later for you to call on.

Yeah, we have a toll-free line.

If you want to write it down now, it's 1-888-278-8509.

Again, our toll-free line, you can call us anywhere in the United States for free.

1-888-278-8509.

And when Miltman hangs up, we'll be chat-free, everybody.

Chat-free.

Yeah.

So feel free to call us.

Feel free to message us on AOL Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio, Madhouse Radio,

as well as Yahoo Messenger users.

You can reach us at MadhousePCURadio.

And if you're using MSN Messenger, you want to reach us at MadhousePCURadio at Hotmail.com.

And the homepage of the Madhouse is MadhouseLive.com.

There it is.

A big thank you to Lonesome Loser in the chat room who's diligently confirming numbers for us.

We have three numbers already.

We have Hot Tamales in Detroit, Michigan.

We also have Uncle Bucks in California and Allstate Grocery, Grocery, is it Grocery or Grocery? How does that pronounce?

Grocery.

Grocery, thank you, and Video in Seattle, Washington.

Poop in the chat room has been bombarding me with number requests.

The Mythbusters from, where are they on? Are they in FX, Lifetime?

No, 41 here, I don't know.

They're on the Learning Channel.

Discovery, Discovery.

Discovery. Discovery. They're on Discovery Channel.

Okay.

They look at it kind of queer, though.

Channel 41, if you're listening to us in Orlando.

Those guys are nerds.

They are, yeah. They suck, too. That's a bunch of crap. Ghosts Don't Exist. Kiss my ass.

Oh, I like that. Ghostbusters show. I watch that.

Oh, no. Taps. Taps show. What's that show called?

Who do you want to call? Ghostbusters.

Yeah, you want to call Mythbusters, Milkman?

Oh, yeah.

All right. You're going to do this call, then, eh?

I could do that.

Okay.

Pick one out, man. Give me a premise, man. Give me a premise of what you think.

Okay, how about you call Uncle Bucks in National City, California?

Right.

How's that sound?

Sure, man.

What are we after, man?

All right.

I don't know.

Ask for Uncle Buck and move there.

That was a good...

Wasn't that in a movie with John...

Yeah, John Candy.

Yeah.

And later on, that spawned the Home Alone movie.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was a spinoff off of that because they had...

No, Home Alone was a spinoff off of Uncle Buck.

That's what I meant to say.

Yeah.

Okay, so Uncle Buck was in the movie.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, what was it, John Candy?

Tell them that you're going to sue them for using the...

That didn't have the rights to the name Uncle Buck.

Uncle Bucks. You know what I mean? Tell him that you're with the estate of John Candy or something. I don't know. Run with that.

John Candy's dead? John Candy's been dead, man. He died, like, in 96.

No.

He was, like, 400 pounds. He was almost Andy's size.

Yeah, almost. Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. I'm just playing.

I'm just playing.

Good one.

You even got me to be quiet?

Hey, he's got some big pants to fill, so it's going to be a long time.

What size pants do you wear, Bill, man?

I wear a size 40. It's not that bad.

What about you, Carlito? What size?

Even on the phone

We're getting to hissing

And now we lost him

Milkman

He's gone hang up there

Oh no

Okay well we lost Milkman he'll call back any second now

But like I said the toll free line is

1-888-278-8509

And you're listening to the Madhouse

Thank you

We also have 7 listeners on my personal stream

So we have a total of 44

What's 44 plus 19

74. We have 74 total listeners

listening to the show right now, and a big thank you to

a big what's up to

Jay and Deltona. That's Technofrag.

No, that's our competition right there.

3-2. So I'm still stomping.

Anyway, pick this up, because this is

St. Croix again. I'm going to have to move on.

Welcome to Skamble 2.

Hello!

Hi!

Okay, we have you back.

Excellent. Let me ask you a question.

Do you feel better

calling Uncle Bucks or do you want to call a video store?

Uncle Bucks, cool, we'll try it.

Hell yeah, what the fuck, dude, whatever you think, man.

I'll deal with your intuition on that.

Alright, okay, well here we go. Milkman's

coming with a prank call to Uncle Bucks in National

City, California. We'll be right back after that.

Okay, you there? Yeah. Good afternoon, Uncle

Bucks. Yes, hello, good afternoon.

May I speak with Buck, please? To who,

I'm sorry? Yes, may I speak with

Uncle Buck, please? Sir, you're calling to

Uncle Bucks. Can I help you?

Yes, what kind of establishment

is this? I'm sorry?

What form of establishment is this? A store? A grocery? What exactly is this?

This is a check cashing place, sir.

A check cashing place. Okay, may I speak with Uncle Buck, please?

What do you mean, may I speak with Uncle Buck?

According to Uncle Buck, who does the name of the company, sir?

Okay, well, who is Uncle Buck? I need to speak with that gentleman, please.

There's no Uncle Buck's name here, sir, with that name.

No one's name with that name. That's the name of the company, sir.

When I call back tomorrow during business hours, you may do so.

Okay, now, is the manager present there, or someone maybe, a supervisor I can speak with?

Sir, you will have to call back tomorrow.

Are you not open right now?

Okay, well, I need to speak with the manager.

Could you give me a name, please?

No one's available, sir.

Would you like to call back tomorrow during business hours?

Sure, could I get his name, please, so I know who to speak with?

This is a very important legal matter.

I don't know who's going to be here, sir, in that, um, tomorrow.

You don't know who's going to be here? Are you the manager tonight?

No, sir.

Who's the manager tonight?

Sir, I just started working here. There's no manager.

There's no manager? Somebody has to be in charge now. What kind of business is this?

Okay, can I talk to you for a second?

Well, no, I need to speak with somebody in charge.

Something's not going right here.

Something's fishy. You know, I have a problem with the check, you know,

and I think you're trying to give me the runaround.

I need to speak with somebody urgently.

Who am I speaking with?

Listen here.

Auntie Buckarina.

This is the best milkman call ever.

I think so.

No, it's not over yet.

We're on hold.

Auntie Buckita.

It's all right.

It's not your fault.

She's so happy.

Yeah, so.

Milkman, entertain us while we're waiting here.

Yeah, I'm trying to get a hold of Auntie Buckita here, and she went to Burger King,

and I told her, you know, I need to speak to somebody in charge, and she said,

wait a minute, I got to go get the chalupa.

And she went to Burger King.

I'm like, what the hell kind of deal is that, man?

It's a McDonald's product.

Commentary from Milkman.

so yeah oh my god i have fallen and i can't get up oh my god i haven't seen this commercial in like

15 years and there's the old lady no man is probably watching tv again because he doesn't

have a computer stop man it's not funny i'm having fucking withdrawal here dude i'm watching tv for

the first time ever that's crazy no i haven't watched tv in a year now man i just saw this

news show. The nightly

news. Oh, my God.

Life Alert has got the old commercial

back. I have fallen, and I can't

get up. Do you need one of those, Bill Mann?

Samoan? I have one.

I believe it. Yes, I do. I have

one. I have one corded also

on my Rascal scooter,

and I have one that I wear with me at all times.

The problem is the batteries are all dead.

Bill Mann, the Rascal scooter is lame,

and the Hover Round is the new hotness.

Hello, yeah. The Hover Round.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Good catchin'.

Ah, mother fucker.

Mother fucker.

Hey, I'm the manager.

I want to get you.

I own the restaurant.

That bitch is dead.

Wait till I tell her that my 25 cent check got charged $3.

This isn't working, man.

This is my favorite part.

All right.

Well, listen, man.

I was trying to get a manager's number, so we need to make a report on them.

I'm going to contact the other lawyer partners here at this maid of John's camp.

I used to be a manager at a pizza place, and when people were mean to me, I'd just put them on hold and let them go home.

I used to do that all the time.

It's all for revenge.

Track one, track two, I don't know what to refer to, my iPod.

Write Sonata, you know, write fucking...

Diarrhea, mustache.

Bicentennial nigger.

Hey, you remember that? I was listening to that today, that show.

My hair got caught in my shower drain, it's your fault, I don't wanna sue.

I had a great idea for saying that I'm diabetic milk, man.

I'm sure you know what that means.

You got the Puerto Rican aid.

Yeah, well, yeah, exactly.

I went on Puerto Rican sickle cell, but I went to Burger King.

No, that just means you like rice with your name.

That's all.

Okay.

All right.

Yeah.

That's good.

I like rice with my beans.

Yes.

Black beans.

You went to Burger King, you said.

I forgot.

Yeah, I went to Burger King, and I ordered a Diet Coke with my meal,

and I got a regular Coke, and I didn't notice, and I drank half of it.

You should have sued, dude.

Well, I'm saying.

You should go into a seizure.

Like, the next time they do that,

just fall on the floor and start twitching and shit.

Make them call an ambulance and sue the fuck out of them.

You know what I'm going to do?

Yeah, dude.

Just, like, start, like, slobbering and shit

and spitting around on the floor.

I heard it. I heard it.

Start yelling for it.

Give me a candy bar.

Yeah, well, here's my experience, man.

Here's what happened.

I go to Burger King,

and the guy behind the counter taking my order

wearing headphones while he's taking my order.

Number one, I should have seen that as a thing.

He wouldn't even talk to me.

What in the hell are they doing?

Are they listening to iPods while they work?

He nods his head as they say, go ahead.

He just nods his head like, what's up?

And I give him my order, and he doesn't even nod.

He's like, he just gives me the receipt.

That's fucked up.

He didn't even tell me the total.

I gave him $10, and he just gave me the receipt.

That was it.

He gave me my change and walked off.

You should have slobbered all over the counter.

He didn't even pay attention.

You know, so, fucking...

That's why I don't go to the...

I haven't eaten...

The only fast food I'll ever...

Like, once a month,

I'll treat myself to a spicy chicken sandwich

from Wendy's.

Wendy's, right.

Because they're the bomb.

And there's nothing better in the world than that.

Yeah.

Well, I think a guy may be involved

with his whole Uncle Buck scam, you know,

because this is what happened to me, man.

I had a 50-cent check I got for my birthday,

and I took it in to get a cash,

and you know them bastards...

Wow.

$25, man.

That sucks.

$25 stinking dollars for 50 cents.

Why didn't you go to the branch of the bank that they sent it to you from?

They sent me to Uncle Buck's.

They told me I could go to Uncle Buck's and get my 50 cents.

I said, no, man.

That's a half a buck, right?

I ain't going to say shit about what just happened.

Anyway.

That's a half a buck.

Look, man, Uncle Buck didn't work.

Do you want to try one more, or do you want to call it?

What else you got, man?

Let's try one more.

Let's try one more before we move on here.

Yeah, before I kill your show, I'll do one more.

No, it's okay.

Decades, music, and video.

It's not a madhouse without Milkman doing the show.

Milkman, go get your guitar, man.

Yeah?

And audition.

Go grab your guitar and, yeah, just play it, man,

and tell them that, you know, you've been playing music

and doing videos for a decade, videos of your cat.

Hey, your cat meows.

Your cat meows when you hold her, right?

I know, but she is banned from this room right now.

Oh, man, she peed on the computer.

No, she didn't pee on the computer,

but she was on there trying to look up kitty porn.

She wouldn't give me a reach-around.

Kitty porn.

K-I-T-T-Y.

Womp, womp, womp.

All right.

Okay, let's do it.

Hey, Bill Mann.

Knucklehead.

Womp, womp, womp.

All right.

If anybody out there in Detroit is listening, and you know the number for the CCC club where

Proof Guy shot.

That one Arab guy.

He was from Detroit.

We haven't heard from him in a long time.

Yo, we should call DTT tonight.

Yeah, if you like.

Low, low, low.

Yo, what up, DTT?

Low, low, low.

His name is Tarek.

Tarek.

Too close to Tarek.

And he's ready to take a piss.

I'm ready to take a piss, man.

Man, I'll punch you.

Talk.

Don't punch me in the mouth again, Dan.

My lips still fall off from last week.

It's too late, you fuck.

Okay, let's do this.

Dick, here's a music video.

Your phone's breaking up, man.

All right, listen, I'm going to bail out of here, dude,

because I don't want to put the stinker on the show, man.

Listen, everybody, I just want to tell everybody, you know,

I'm sorry I can't be there.

You're just going to have to put up with my lameness

calling in for a little while.

And once I get my computer, PC hardware back up and find out what the hell happened to my monkeys,

I am going to have to file an animal report here for animal abuse.

Because somebody did fondle the monkeys.

And the blue raft is pretty well significant of the whole thing.

And I think I've got a good exit.

So, ready?

Yeah.

Everybody, please stay tuned for some more crazy antics from Carlito.

Let me give you all my quick shots.

Is that okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Now's the time.

All right.

Listen, man, my buddy out there, listen, I got disconnected from him, okay?

Okay, I want to say hello to Lifey, my buddy down AU.

Oh, see, I got this and that, kid.

Well, live.

Now, somebody's...

Carl is being a total dick now.

He showed me that he was off of the game.

Listen, Lifey's a number, man. If not, get a hold of Carlito, man, and you could call me one time, maybe, like, with...

I'm gone.

Andy's not the same.

I'm devastated, too.

You know what?

We wrote a song.

Yeah, that's right. Okay.

Stupid.

I knew... I was gonna play it. I had plans to.

Hold on, Milkman.

All right, Milkman, say your last goodbye here while we...

We're going to play your outro.

Go ahead.

Thanks out there to all my friends out there listening,

especially Madman, the wonderful man who provides us with his wonderful

chariot gunner and smacks the man in the face,

busts him in the mouth, and go away laughing.

Madman, thanks a lot.

Dr. Legomann provides us with our voice.

Wonderful slots, a great audio server.

That's it?

You lost him again.

Son of a bitch.

Oh, man.

Oh, damn it.

All right.

Andy, hang up there.

Okay.

Okay, so as the song says, no Moke today.

Moke Man will not be on the show indefinitely, unfortunately.

He'll be calling in from time to time and checking in with us, but unfortunately, we're losing program director of the show

Because we call

That's what I've been calling him

How do you call the broker

Oh he's calling back

God damn

Alright

This is it

For God's sake

End this already

Andy you wrap this up for me

You're so beautiful

Hello

You keep hanging up on me

Alright

You're wrong about us

Hold on man

This isn't working

We're gonna let you go man

Alright

Tell my buddy KDK

Stop hanging up on me

Damn it

Alright KDK

Thanks a lot bro man

You are a wonderful sponsor

And you did give it a shot man

man, and with your beautiful, wonderful idea here that is BCU, man, thank you so much.

Thank you to all of us.

Out there, it's all for you, really.

It's all for you.

Without you all out there, we wouldn't be here.

You need to come in there and mess with your heads every week.

We got quite a few good professionals in there, Andy and our wonderful host Carlito

and myself, also an amateur.

Thank you so much for indulging us, man.

Carlito, have a great show, man.

If you didn't catch that for the fifth time that he called, that was Milkman.

Hey!

Milkman goes through some postpartum syndrome, I think.

Yeah, he's probably really depressed, I bet.

Yeah.

I mean, this is his life.

The internet and PCU and stuff.

Carl had to go on.

He's Japanese.

Of course he loves that kind of stuff.

Yeah, exactly.

He's a very stout-looking Samoan looking guy.

Well, yeah, remember he said he lost a lot of weight, so we need an updated picture of

Milkman.

That's true.

He did lose, he said, what, 40 pounds?

I lost 150 pounds.

Yeah, that's 150 pounds.

How does he sound like that?

He's Japanese?

I don't know.

Isn't that weird, though?

He sounds like a redneck.

He looks like a Samoan.

And he lives on the Virgin Islands.

And his cat is scary as hell, man.

What's wrong with his cat?

You see the cat?

Oh, yeah.

Put the picture.

It's black and orange.

It's like a Halloween fucking cat.

It has a pink collar on it.

Yeah, it had a pink frayed, like, looking collar looking thing.

That's how I asphyxiate it when we're having sex.

I mean, making love.

Having sex?

I mean, making love.

Whoa, wait a minute.

Mopi almost did it the whole time.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, hopefully they didn't hear that and I just cried.

I need to copy this onto my iPod.

I hear a phone.

The fuck?

There, okay.

Anyway, so yeah, we've seen Pigs and Milkman.

He looks nothing like he sounds like.

You should put it so everybody can see it.

No, I promised him I wouldn't.

I sent it to KDK.

I said, KDK, you can't share this with anybody.

Ask KDK to rate Milkman on 1 to 10.

Oh, no.

How hot he thinks he is.

Do it.

That's funny.

All right, he'll do it.

KDK.

KDK, 1 to 10.

Milkman, how much do you want to bang him?

In the chat room, yeah, how much would you like to bang Milkman from 1 to 10?

1 being the lowest, right, and 10 being the highest.

There it is.

That will give you an idea.

So thank you, everybody, for listening.

Again, you can reach us at 1-888-278-8509.

Again, toll-free nationwide, 1-888-278-8509.

And let's do a total of how many listeners we've lost on HitCity.

17.

We went up for a few minutes, and then we went back down again.

It comes to spree.

When Milkman came on.

Milkman killed it.

Milkman, we should call him HitCityKiller.

That's us, actually.

HitCity hates Milkman.

Yeah, they do.

So, yeah, that's the trend.

Whenever Milkman's off the phone, the listeners go up.

We'll see what the trend is.

Watch.

We'll go up yet.

So we have 57 listeners.

We just dropped another one.

Milkman's probably still on.

Okay, yeah, it's delayed.

Okay, so we got 55 listeners, actually.

Well, plus seven, so we have 62 listeners right now.

So we're holding strong.

My goal is usually 60 for a show, and we have 62 people listening, so good.

We're doing good.

And this drought that we're having here on PCU, which makes me want to say this.

If you're listening to us now, tell a friend about what we do.

Listen to us during the day or at night, especially at night.

We need some more numbers.

If you have loser friends with nothing else to do, tell them about PCU.

PCU, exactly.

KDKPrintCalls.com.

Have you ever told anybody about it?

No.

Yeah, you're embarrassed.

Don't listen.

I didn't tell them I work.

I'm embarrassed to tell them.

You should tell them who I work.

They have nothing to do.

While they're snorting their meth, they can listen to PCU radio.

I let it slip that I had a radio show, and then they were like, really?

What's your website?

I was like, is it down?

I lost it.

Someone took it away.

Why would you give it away?

I don't want them to know what I do.

Look at the daddy.

He's so dumb.

He didn't even get the whole thing.

Milkman quit.

Out of all that, Milkman quit.

Oh, man.

Milkman quit.

I don't know what I'm going to do if he quits.

I'm going to drink again, I think.

I'm going to drink Drano.

He's going to drink...

You know those people who get drunk off of drinking fingernail polish?

I do that, yeah.

I snort it.

You snort fingernail polish.

I let it dry, and then I grind it up, and I snort that shit.

I ate a mothball once.

A small child.

I ate a mothball once.

I thought you were telling your small child a story.

No, I'm not a small child.

I ate a mothball.

Give me a small child.

I'm going to eat you.

Tasty, tasty with barbecue sauce.

Mad Goat in the chat room is telling me that we gotta call this guy.

He is fucked up on Coke and X's to see.

His parents have an idea.

Tell him I know about it all and that you're going to tell his parents.

I don't think we should snitch, but I do think we should fuck with people who are hot.

We should tell him he owes us money for some Coke.

No snitching, but tell him, you know, goofing with people who are high.

We're going to scare him straight.

Yeah.

Exactly.

So, Mad Goat, sounds like a plan.

We need his name.

We're going to tell him it's a phone intervention.

We need his phone intervention.

We need his name and city and state.

State.

Okay, so yeah.

If you know the name of his dealer, you tell us that.

Name of his dealer, yeah.

You want to, here's what you want to do.

If you're going to send me a number in the chat room or via AOL Instant Messenger, Mad

House Radio, whatever it may be.

we want to

try to get us

the first and last name

let us know how you know them

or what you know about them

that we can pick at

like

this guy here is telling me

he's fucked up

on coke and ecstasy

so there we go

we have something to do

sounds like a cool guy

someone I wish I knew

a few years ago

someone you'd probably

hang out with Andy

probably

but not anymore

because I'm drug free

one month

one month?

today?

the anniversary?

yeah it is actually

one month

drug free

yeah but you're

drinking a lot of alcohol

I know

I'm gaining so much weight

because I'm drinking beer nonstop

why don't you just start

smoking cigarettes man

yeah because that's

way healthier. Well, I mean, you won't

at least do something illegal on that one.

Last time I smoked a cigarette, I burned my upper

lip, so. Have you smoked

a cigarette? Yeah. I smoke cigarettes

when I get really wasted. Like, when I go into the

home. The strip club? No, like, the

harder drugs, you know,

then I would smoke cigarettes. That's kind of scary.

Yep. Wow. I burned my

upper lip. Yeah, so yeah, what was I

saying? First and last name, city and state that they

live in. Um, if you get... Height weight.

Height weight. No, height weight.

Anyway, and try to make

make sure that you know that they're going to answer

or you've called and checked out to see that they're

going to answer. Because if you start throwing us

numbers that no one's picking up,

you're going to really make this show take a shit.

And no man will come to your house and

choke you. Speaking of confirming your

numbers, Lonesome Loser, a consummate

professional

in PCU lore, he's confirming

tons of numbers. He confirmed the two we called with

Milkman. We also have

two video stories. Now, I came

up with this idea over the weekend.

I want to say it was shit, yeah.

from australia gave me an idea of um i don't know why i found it funny and let me let me know what

you think about this about calling a video rental place and telling them that i keep trying to

rewind the movie but i can't get it to rewind am i gonna get charged and it's a dvd movie and i'll

tell them i keep hitting rewind on it yeah as long as you play stupid like yeah not for one minute

you know what i'm saying act like yeah you know you gotta keep playing stupid on it yeah should

Should I act like an immigrant kind of thing?

I think it would not be one.

Or Eddie Boyz.

Do Eddie Boyz.

Eddie?

No, that's...

Yo.

Yo, fuck this movie, yo.

Yo, this DVD is fucked up.

It's got a hole in the middle of it.

Yo, it was like that when I got it.

Yo, I didn't put this hole in it, bitch.

Let's do some shit like that.

On Madhouse Radio, we also have Hawk Fan.

Yeah, that's a Florida zip code, isn't it?

You know?

I wonder if Hawk fans like the Atlanta Hawks, the Chicago Blackhawks.

He's got a zip code.

That's a Seminole County, as a matter of fact.

No, it isn't.

It is.

I bet you it is Seminole County, man.

If Hawk fans are local, he should come by one night.

He should come by.

He should bring his headphones down.

Yeah, he should bring his bitches.

I bet you he doesn't have them.

Hawk fan, yeah.

If he's listening to this show, he does it.

Hawk fan.

A Hawk fan would be from Atlanta, I'm guessing, right?

Yeah, if you listen to this show, usually either you're gay or you're like 15.

Or you're a

wigger in denial.

In denial?

Yeah.

Like,

what's that

with the guy

from Florida also?

Oh,

what's that

thing you say?

Pimp slut.

Pump slit.

I got pump slits.

Pimp slut is

a nerdy little wigger.

You ever been

with a girl

with pump slit?

No,

I hope not.

Pumpy slit?

If I was,

I didn't catch it.

You didn't catch it?

It was too dark,

man.

I didn't see it.

I dodged it.

That's nasty

Yeah, the vagina, the lips.

I'm sure you've seen the porn where the woman's got the lips that just kind of stick out, like, you know what I mean?

Oh, but that's just, like, that's, like, um, the way I understood it, that's always just, like, um.

That's right in town, man.

Longwood, okay.

Maybe he goes to, isn't there, like, a high school that's, like, a Hawks?

Longwood.

Longwood High?

Is there a Longwood High?

No, there's a Hawks around here, though, like, Silver Hawks.

Wouldn't he go to Seminole?

No, that's, like, the ghetto school.

In Seminole County, you can go to whatever high school you want.

You've got transportation, I think.

It's like Lake Mary.

It's all weird now.

It's not even by border.

Tell that guy to call us.

We can find out where he's from.

Call him, man.

Hawk fan.

He's 15.

Damn it.

I knew it.

Call him.

He's local.

He should call me.

I ain't going to give my personal number.

I could save money on it.

Give me your cell phone number.

I can't get my cell phone.

No one has my cell phone.

The only people who have my cell phone number are Zolar, Milkman, and KDK.

Well, PCU.

I have it.

You have it, but you know.

I give it to people all the time, too.

I'll find a game name.

Here's a Puerto Rican guy

with an Italian last name, Carl.

Alright, thank you for that.

Anyway, he's sending us

John Candy, some cat named John Candy.

He says, I'll get a number

for a guy named John Candy.

And here it is.

Oh, it's Poop. Poop's from here in town?

That's Poop?

Poop was from fucking, like, I work in that town, man.

Holy fucking shit.

Maybe I shouldn't say that. That's going to track me down.

If he wasn't 15, we'd hang out with him.

Yeah, I didn't know he was 15.

That's crazy.

I got a picture.

What does he say?

He's a skater?

All right.

Mudgack is asking me if I'll take a number.

Well, sure, if you have one.

Yeah.

Go ahead.

Because even though we don't do it, what we're supposed to do is make prank phone calls,

but we don't.

Jay's saying he has it.

Has what?

What do you got, Jay?

Oh, you have the AIDS.

Jay has diabetes, maybe?

What do you think's going on?

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, my friend Jay.

High school.

We go to high school.

Yeah, both of you.

Well, no, I don't want to call him a friend, but...

We're acquaintances.

Yeah, I knew him through you in high school.

The clique that I was in with you, I was in a clique with him and some other nerds.

It's a group of friends, you know?

We had our group of like four or five people and maybe some offshoots of that.

And, you know what I mean?

It was really sad when you get down to it.

You remember when you hit...

We hit your folder.

It was like your port...

Whatever your...

I had to hit his friend's folder

Remember that little kid

Oh he went to Iraq he got shot in the leg

With the little fat kid

Yeah Eugene

Gene the dancing machine

I saw him a few years ago

I think he was in the army or something

He probably got depleted uranium sickness

Probably

Everybody goes over to Iraq you're going to end up with cancer

Because of depleted uranium

So is depleted uranium the waste product of nuclear plants

plants well no no no no depleted iranium is what um any of our heavy ordnance like like a 50 caliber

machine gun or something like that they jack at the bullets and the pre depleted iranium make

them armor piercing and depleted rain doesn't go away it makes people sick i said there's a lot of

birth defects and shit yeah so i sent you remember that pictures of that kid yeah yeah at first i

thought it was just like a puerto rican kid but then i was like oh no he's got depleted iranium

sickness so what about just bullets and m16s and stuff no no not those not so 50 cows and higher

yeah well i don't even know about big mini guns like uh stuff they got on like helicopters and

like um you know tanks and shit so they'll be spraying these bullets sometimes in some cases

and they're full of depleted uranium like it's in these bullets yeah that's why everybody from

the first gulf war got sick that's the first conflict we used them in yeah it's like burning

semen and stuff so yeah semen oh my god are you serious well i remember yeah it was in that

and I remember when I first...

I don't read articles.

I look at pictures.

Yeah, I read them all for the pictures.

Carly don't read it and tell me what happened.

Yo, look at this kid's face.

Yo, he's got a bump on his head.

He's got a black eye and a bump on his head.

Yo, he's crazy.

Venison is telling me maybe the PCU Live aim name

could be a good idea.

Yeah.

What?

Venison runs the Technofrag Radio.

They don't simulcast us

because they have other shows they play at our time.

Now, you tell me what.

He's got two listeners right now.

He should have us.

He should have us right now.

If he had us, we'd have, like, at least five on there.

He hosts KDK's show on Saturday nights.

That's technofrag.

I want to say net.

Let me look at it real quick here.

Technofrag.net.

There you go.

There's a shout-out to Venison.

He does a show.

He's got this black dude that does a show there, and he sounds funny.

He sounds like, I call him Grimace.

Did you have a call in there?

He's got a funny voice.

I should, yeah, but he's on when KDK's on.

know but he's like oh he was like hello there i was his name is tank i think it was like oh

dude tank here he laughs like half of his vocation i was talking on this show is laughing chuckle

laughing i like that i guess you know you ever know a guy who just laughs constantly yeah you

know all the time every little thing's like mine um shit i know a guy like that he's annoying like

a bitch anyway poop again is telling me he has a number for a schizo lady but she moved yes that

That doesn't help us.

So did we find out he's from Longwood or what?

I don't know.

Yeah, well, his zip code's from there.

Is that what he said?

I'm from Longwood?

I don't know.

I'll have to find out.

She put Listerine on her head and said aliens were trying to get her.

And act like I'm Indian, blah, blah, blah.

Tony Hawk, blah, blah, blah.

I don't know what's going on.

I named my screen name after Tony Hawk.

Oh, that's kind of gay.

Yeah.

Well, anyway, it looked like he was right here from town.

That's crazy.

Anyway, so fuck uranium, headshot, ball shot, then spit in the enemy's face.

I think you should call and just see if he's, like, hip puberty yet.

Yeah, we want to talk to you, Hawk Fan.

Give us a call, man.

Call and give him the 1-800 number.

Yeah, I gave it to him.

888-278-8501.

You don't have to say the 1-800 number, little boy.

Yeah, it's free, man.

Just call us.

Pick up your parent's phone and call us for, like, three minutes or something.

It's all right, man.

Look at every kid in high school who's got a cell phone now.

I don't have one.

It's not fair.

Can you imagine that?

There was one kid in our high school that had that.

Who?

That redneck guy who played Mitch Aiken.

He had a cell phone because it was out of his dad's business.

And it started going off once in the library in class.

He had headphones on.

He probably got so much poontang off of that.

The shit was, like, huge.

It was really big.

I remember.

I got a cell phone.

It started going off.

He couldn't hear it.

Like, the whole library could hear it.

Like, it was, like, really loud.

It was like...

Yeah, back in 96, like, if you had a cell phone, like, a vagina got wet all around you.

Oh, my God.

He's got a cell phone.

That was, like, when beepers were starting to break out to teenagers back then.

That's the most that you got was a pager back then.

I still wish, like, it was cool to have a pager.

I'd have one.

It's just small.

Yeah, it wasn't like you were tied down.

Like, people get tied down to their cell phones.

Well, because you see his cell phone, people, like, they look at it and see who's calling.

They don't answer it anyway.

Yeah, I don't know.

Right, HawkFan is telling me the radio keeps pausing.

I don't know.

Oh, we never find out what, um, KDK thought about the picture of, uh, Milt Man.

I just fucking can't.

I don't know.

Did he say anything?

He hasn't been talking, actually.

He's probably having gay sex right now.

He's probably looking at the picture of Milt Man and rubbing his bum.

He's rubbing his bum.

He's rubbing his cock through his pants.

Jonathan is telling me to make sure my toll-free line is on because he's trying to call and the line is busy.

I wouldn't doubt it because you don't do anything right.

I never do anything right.

That's right.

Thanks for...

Oops.

Hit 8-2.

I'll test it here.

And we got to move on.

We got to start doing pranks because people get all antsy.

This is the show's fault.

Yeah, it is.

It's like an hour to the show we've done, like, two failed pranks with Milkman.

Hello.

Oh, yeah.

Actually, the toll-free line is down.

My bad.

Numbers in red are disabled.

We'll help.

Oh, what a fucking idiot.

I'm not going to log in again.

I'm sorry.

People have been trying to call in all night.

Oh, my God.

It's going to be calls to first because these people can really bring me down sometimes.

All right.

I'll be back.

All right.

Bath and break number three.

Venison says, hey, I like laughing.

I'm a jolly guy and it's infectious.

I got a depleted uranium chuckle.

Well, good.

Good for you.

Whatever makes you happy, chief.

That's good.

Good for Venison.

But we love you, Venison.

You're a great guy.

Okay.

Now the toll-free line is open.

I'm sorry, folks.

books. 1-888-278-8509. Here comes a prank call at you. I'm going to call All Star Grocery

and Video in Seattle, Washington. Seattle, Washington. We'll be right back.

Yeah, how you doing, ma'am? I got a, like, a problem here. What time are your movies

due by? Excuse me? What time are your movies due in by? We don't rent movies. Well, how

come I rented this movie from you? No, I don't think so. We sell them. We sell adult

videos only. Yeah, when do I have to turn it back in? I got this movie from you guys.

You don't turn it back in. I rented it for $29. No, we sell them. We don't rent them.

You might have called the wrong place. No, no, All-Star, you're over there on 200th,

right? Yes, sir. Yeah, I came in and got this movie, and I'm ready to turn it back

in. You paid $29. $29.99 plus tax. I don't know, whatever, but I know I gotta turn it

back in yeah no no you don't it's yours oh man it's late man i i really i can't have this on

my credit man i'm not gonna sit here and joke with you i'm not joking sir oh i can pay half

okay i'm telling you we sell videos we don't rent them it's yours to keep so i can keep hot

salsa dicks oh my god okay i'm gonna hang up the phone now okay baby thank you uh-huh hey you know

know what? Damn it. I was going to make the la la la to her. That's funny. Good job. Yeah.

Thank you. We ruined it by laughing, but still it was good. I didn't laugh. You laughed.

Okay. Get out of here. I'm like three feet away from you. You should be able to come

with fun. Oh. You got members of fun right here. You should laugh that way. Oh, that

one? Yeah. This one picks up. Washington DC is Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton. Hey. You're

on the air. Okay. Hello, sir. Hello. I can't do Bill Clinton. Hey, everybody. You do a

great bill clinton you should call people's bill clinton everybody i live in harlem i live in

harlem i like black tail black tail i can't do i can't do bill clinton you do a great bill clinton

all the bitches there you go all right all the bitches are passionate so it's not a good bill

clinton you're stupid you're stupid katie k says she likes you though who katie k he hasn't even

seen a picture of me how does he know he just not not in a gay way he just says he likes you on the

the show he i asked him you know i was like you know milkman's gone now and i got uh andy and i

was like you probably don't even know who andy is oh yeah i know andy i listen to the show he's

probably seen the hot picture of me on the internet that's right the one that i posted

all over the place yeah i look good now i posted it and hot or not no bang me.net i think it was

i got like really good ratings you did actually have like an 85 i'm handsome from the neck down

You don't see how fat I am.

Oh, you did?

You took a picture of yourself in the neck.

Hell yeah, because I know where my good features are.

I have a strong Aryan jawline.

And a woman like that.

Yeah, anyway.

Brandon Ramirez is saying that was a good line, the whole in this movie.

So I'm going to use that.

So apparently that's a porno place.

But that was still funny.

I had fun with that.

So we'll call the Aurora Video Store.

Do you think there are any mom and pop video places left that aren't for porno anymore because of Blockbuster?

It's pretty much porno, I think.

I think so.

But Blockbuster, Hollywood Video, and Albertsons.

Between those three.

Albertsons.

Albertsons took over.

Albertsons.

If you go to Albertsons, they have, like, the dumbest videos there.

They've got, like, Jeff Fogsworthy.

They have, like, eight copies of every Dr. Fogsworthy stand-up.

Netflix put her into Blockbuster.

You know what's assuming Blockbuster for copyright infringement?

Patent infringement or something like that?

Because Blockbuster has their own online DVD service.

What, they can do that?

And they're saying that Netflix patented it, like, three years before them.

Don't other people do that, too?

Like, have online DVDs?

There's more than one.

I mean, there's an online game one called Gamefly.

I know that

which is awesome

when I get an Xbox 360

or a Playstation 3

whatever it is

I think it costs like

$800

on an Xbox

you're going to have to

sell like 5 people

to Coke at that

probably

isn't that crazy

see I can't invest

because I have this

Xbox here

and I played Halo

for a month

and then I

and that was it

and it sits there

and it gathers us

I don't even play

this Xbox

it's for super nerds

super nerds play

video games now

and then I'm stupid

because I get Xbox Live

and I pay for it

for like 6 to 8

I was paying for it

for 8 months

and I used like

1 month of it

did you?

yeah and I just

I just kept auto-billing my credit card $12.99 or something a month,

and I wouldn't even use it.

It was such a waste of money.

I know if I went on there, everybody would kick my ass

because those kids just play all day.

That's exactly what happened.

I get so frustrated.

I want to win.

I don't play video games to bring myself a seat down any more than I already is.

That's what always happens with me.

I want to go to the retard channel.

Pandora says that was the worst Bill Clinton I've ever heard.

I agree with you.

That's the worst Bill Clinton ever.

Hey, Pandora.

I'm your president.

There you go.

I'm drinking beer.

I'm sorry.

I can't do Bush at all.

I can't do...

I'm not good at prank phone.

The only voice I do is I do your voice, and that's it.

And it doesn't sound anything like you either.

Yeah, but...

Speaking of bringing your self-esteem down.

Yeah.

That's what you sound like to me.

No, I don't.

Yeah, thanks.

Yeah.

I really hate my voice.

I hear the replays of the show, like...

I thought you were telling me girls always tell you you have a sexy voice.

I don't know why, because I hate...

I cringe at the sound of my own voice.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Now people can't stop calling me.

There's another asshole.

I'm gonna turn off the toll-free line because of assholes from D.C., fuckin' nigger town.

Let's see what he has to say.

My girlfriend lives here now.

Sir.

What's up, Carlito?

What's up, how you doin'?

This is Jonathan.

Muggsy Bogues?

Muggsy Bogues on the air, everybody.

Muggsy Bogues callin' in!

Thank you, Muggsy Bogues.

What's the line to be short?

No, this is Jonathan.

Who?

Oh, this is Jonathan.

Jonathan!

Oh.

Jonathan, you callin' from D.C.?

I thought you lived in North Carolina.

What the fuck?

Hey.

Oh, what happened?

Hang on.

Let me tell you, I love that song.

That guy is the worst phone call ever.

Thank you, Jonathan.

Airbrakes.

Jonathan, the line is horrible.

You calling me from that Skype shit?

It sounds like crap.

Call me from the landline or something.

Jonathan, sit here.

What a cock.

If you have a landline, please use that.

Yeah, don't be trying to call me on Skype because it's cool.

Because you sound like Milkman.

He sounded horrible as well.

Yeah, and Milkman's all the way into Virgin Islands on a dial-up connection when he was on us.

No, he wasn't.

He wasn't broadband.

But seriously, how reliable can be a broadband internet connection in the Virgin Islands?

It can't be that good because they just got power like three weeks ago.

Exactly.

They don't even know what the fucking internet is.

Oh, Jesus.

God damn it.

Who's that?

That's one of those two guys, that Lego guy or something.

Madhouse Radio, you're on the air.

You think this is what?

No.

We're not going to do that.

What's up, Lego?

How you doing?

What?

How you doing, Lego?

Yeah, you see, you said, what?

You picked a bitch, set your own trap, and walked into it, fool.

Ah, my deadly web.

You did it again.

What?

Yeah.

What's up, man?

How you doing?

Fuck, man.

Yeah, fuck.

How you doing, buddy?

What's going on?

Ah, I'm all right.

You know, I went to the fucking doctor the other day.

They told me I had pneumonia.

My man has cancer.

Or, uh, Lego has cancer.

Lego has cancer.

Like, man, you haven't shook that bug yet, man?

You've been sick since last Thursday.

Yeah, no, they fucking put me on steroids and antibiotics.

I actually believe that shit, my fucking colon's falling out.

You get a Z-Pack or whatever it is?

Is that what they call it?

They put me on some shit, dude, that fucking, like, you know,

when I shoot a load, it's like purple.

Are you serious?

That's cool.

Does it burn?

You should do it with a black light on.

That would be a cool idea.

We should come out with a product, like, you know, and it'd be fun.

Like, one day you could shoot green sperm, purple sperm.

Hell yeah.

Or have different smells.

We could call it, like, psychedelic sperm.

Yeah, and then one day it smells like a trash heap,

and then one day it was like cherries, and then...

Trash heap.

Yeah, trash heap, cherries, and, uh...

And the trash heap covered in cherries.

Cookies and cream ice cream.

Cream ice cream.

That's sick.

My spunk smells like cookies and cream, baby.

I was thinking make it tingle like, um,

like Icy Hot or something.

That'd be kind of cool, too.

Yeah.

I don't think so.

Yeah, that'd burn your dick, actually.

That probably wouldn't...

Yeah, hot pepper, hot popper,

hot pepper cum.

Mace semen.

that would be good

for the porno videos

surprise bitch

like they come out of your face videos

and they come out of your

I would like that I'd watch that

I forget what it's called

you ever go online and look up different patents

maybe once

there's this thing that

you know it was never developed into anything

but it was this anti-rape device

for girls and it was like this

cage looking thing

with, like, little, like, you know, I guess sharp, like, type needles

that you insert it into your vagina or your cunt,

and then when, like, a guy tries to rape you, they stick their dick in you,

and, like, your dick goes in, but when you pull it out, it fucking shreds your cock.

Yeah, it's terrible.

Well, I heard that the only way to get it off is, like, through surgery, right?

You have to get medical attention.

It's like fish hooks, but just facing one way,

so you can stick it in if you can imagine it.

And it's kind of like a Chinese finger torture, right?

You stick it in, but the minute you try to pull it out, it contracts on it.

Yeah.

It has barbs facing back in, so they just slide up your dick.

Actually, I did hear about that, and that's why I raped the ear hole.

I don't think surgery is going to fix that.

That's where you ripped the ear hole?

I always rape the ear hole.

Hey, true story.

That's what happened to Prankmaster.

He got his ear just ripped.

I'm not kidding.

Seriously.

Someone raped his ear hole?

He admitted on, I think it was his Zolar.

I don't know if Lego knows, but he made it on Zolar that he was abused by his...

His dad was in jail or something.

And his ear hole got raped.

And, no, his ex...

Well, he did admit this on Zolar's show.

It was like his dad's old prison buddy and him were, like, both out,

and they pretty much jerked off into his ear.

One in each one.

And that's why he's deaf now.

He got herpes or something.

Oh, I don't buy that.

That's bullshit.

He said it on his Zolar show.

Let me tell you, all right?

You know how many guys have jerked off into my ear and I can hear fine?

Yeah, but did they have herpes?

Did they have herpes?

No, they had hepatitis and warts.

I mean, that's how you get the throat infection now, but not in the years, though.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

So what's up with you guys?

Anybody here from Zola?

No.

Well, I talked to him online.

I said, look, man, you're always the number one guest.

You always call in.

You can always call in.

I told him to call in tonight, and he said if he was home, he would.

And he's home.

I mean, he's online.

But he hasn't called.

He should call in.

Like, don't be a...

I want to find out why he's not on anymore.

I don't think it's, I don't think it's what, you know, I don't think he's going to, I think he'll be back and he'll be fine.

I hope so.

He's having a moment.

Yeah, I think tomorrow will be the big day.

I think tomorrow will be a day to listen to, for sure.

You know what I mean?

What do you mean?

No, we don't.

No, tomorrow will be a day to listen to Steve Zola actually comes on at 10 o'clock.

What if he doesn't?

I don't think he is.

You don't think he is tomorrow?

I don't think he is because he said the other day that he wasn't going to be on, definitely not this week.

Okay.

All right, we'll see.

But I hope he does.

I hope it's all a fucking joke.

That's what I'm hoping, too.

It's like a bad nightmare.

I hope it's just like, you know, ha-ha, you fuck you, nigga.

Yeah.

Oh.

Pimp slut.

I hate that kid.

He is a wigger, son of a bitch.

He is a good kid, but he is a wigger, though, man.

He rapped on your show.

Total wigger, man.

That's just weird.

He's like an upper class wigger, too.

Yeah, dude.

The worst kind.

He's like the Jeffersons, man.

Yeah.

He lives in a mansion, but he acts black.

I don't get that at all.

You can't rap to shit.

Lego, later tonight I'm going to try to play the song you wrote about Athena sucking cock in Amsterdam when I was drunk off my ass and I got mad in the background.

I heard about it.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

Yeah, and then I have.

Cool, man.

Did you get to hear the very end when I cursed everybody out on PCU in the chat room?

And except for Earthdog, apparently, I was just yelling.

I don't even remember this.

I was on here yelling, like, fuck you, lonesome loser.

I was like, everybody, seriously.

Dude, I don't know.

All I know is, like, I remember getting into bed, like, 4 o'clock in the morning.

I'm saying, what the fuck?

Yeah, I was really fucked up by that.

That was Saturday night, right?

Sunday morning.

Like, I ended, like, at 4 o'clock.

Like, yeah, because I called in just to say yo, and I was on KDK's show.

Next thing I know, you're on the fucking air.

And shit, we're going at it to, what, 3.30 in the morning.

Kim looks at me like, what the fuck?

We talked for like an hour, over an hour.

The whole show was just me and Lego, me getting drunker and drunker,

and Lego just talking shit, and me like, I told fuck you to Lego like five times.

I was like, fuck you, Lego, I'll kick your ass, like all the time.

And then I'd be like, I'm just playing with you.

Well, I'd be upset, too, if my girl was in Amsterdam eating poppers

and mating with multiple chicks.

She's not eating poppers.

Yeah, poppers are going to get her asshole loose.

Hey!

Dude, let me tell you, man.

And, you know, when you get back, you should definitely check, you know, the elasticity of the anal.

Smell.

Go down there and go, pfft.

We never do that.

I don't do that.

Why, you don't do that?

I don't like the ass at all.

No, the whole area.

You gotta go, pfft.

What am I going to sniff my girlfriend's ass for?

No, the whole area of the vagina.

Oh, yeah, okay.

See, if it smells like condom, then I know.

Do you know that the ass, on a female, the ass is very close to the vagina.

It's hard not to.

It's right there.

You know?

I've missed, you know, you can miss and go right in the other one, not even know the difference.

Have you ever missed and got right in the middle of the two and poked it really hard?

It hurts.

It hurts like hell, yeah, yeah.

But I was like a young boy, I poked a thigh for a little bit and that was painful as hell.

I was a young boy.

Yeah, a young boy.

I was missing like crazy.

Yo, so listen, um, I was gonna ask you, uh, I was gonna ask you something.

What's up?

Speaking of asses, um, anybody, oh yeah, Saigon. Anybody here from Saigon?

He hasn't been in all night.

He's been promising me for a month that he's going to call my show

so I can put him on the air for the first time.

Let me tell you, the other night he was talking shit, and I banned him.

Oh, so that's what's going on.

Yep.

What'd he say?

He was like on, um, the dead had, I wasn't even in the chat room.

The dead sent me a, uh, he sent me a private IM and, uh, showed me what, you know,

like Saigon was saying I suck and I'm a, you know, this and that.

You know what?

And everyone's entitled to their opinion, but, you know, don't talk behind my back, man.

You know, like, just one minute he'll say to me, oh, it's cool, Lego, it's cool, you know.

So I went into the chat room, and I kicked him, and he came, and he's like, what the fuck, man?

And I go, dude, why are you like, you know, and he's like, fuck you, and I said, all right, see you later, and I banned him.

Ah, I see.

Wow.

I think I said it.

You know what?

It just got to the point where, you know what, being funny is one thing, but being a dick is another, and he was just being a fucking dick.

He does.

I tell you what, he'll be cool with me one minute.

the next minute he'll be like, you know, you suck, and this, and just calling me out.

He calls me a Mexican, which really doesn't bother me,

but it gets really annoying when he's just sitting there and nobody's paying attention to him.

But he's intentionally talking shit about hosts and people, you know.

Well, there he is in a chat. He just came in right now.

Oh, no.

So I was like, what's up, punk?

Let go, man. You should go in the chat room.

Go in the chat room at the front.

Yeah, you know what? Whatever.

Saigon, call in.

Saigon, call in. It's like Saigon, yeah.

Yeah, Saigon, you little pussy, fucking call in.

and put your money where your mouth is, you fucking small cock little fucking rubble.

If Saigon calls in, do I have permission to give you a call then,

or we can have a mediation or something like that?

Dude, you could give Saigon my number.

All right, good.

I don't give a fuck.

There it is.

Well, Saigon, here's your challenge, man.

If you want to man up, if you're going to back it up, then fuck, call us in, right?

And you know what, Saigon, seriously, if you're listening, stop talking shit, man.

Just enjoy the channel and have a good time.

Stop being an asshole, and it'll go much better.

You're supposed to be there to support us, not to fucking down us.

He likes the shit.

I mean, what are you listening for, you piece of shit?

If he keeps coming in and he knows everything that's going on,

you know he's listening to every second of the shows on PCU.

So you know he likes it.

He's not liking it because he thinks it sucks.

Exactly.

I wouldn't spend months and months listening to a radio station just because I think they suck.

I do that.

Just to hear what they're going to say.

You listen to country music for a whole week.

God, this country music sucks.

I've got to hear it.

You're not going to do some shit like that.

You know he's into it.

So don't play.

I can't hang with Country Music.

He's got a Lego t-shirt.

It's like a big picture of you, and it says, I love Lego.

Lego, you've got to make a graphic where Dr. Lego is made out of Legos.

Actually, I do have a character that represents me that I created in a 3D rendering program.

Really?

It's pretty cool.

I'll upload it, and you can see if you like it.

Is it made out of pork?

It's not made out of Lego.

It's made out of some kind of green shit.

Okay.

Wow.

The dead loogies

So uh

Bucky got

Bucky got thrown off

Of American Idol

Really?

I haven't watched it

I've been watching

For the last couple weeks

Because I work at

A soul food restaurant now

And old black ladies

Love that show

So I know all about Bucky

It's fucking hilarious

I'm glad that he's gone

I like

I don't think anyone

Is a real star

Who do you like?

Catherine McPhee

I'd peel that back

And I'd beat it up

Yeah well I'm saying

You'd like to fucking

Stick a head in the pillow

Is what you'd like

Yeah I'd peel it back

And I'd beat it up

See a white girl?

Yeah

I thought the little black girl did well with the Queen song.

Other than that, I thought everyone else sucked.

Really?

Yeah.

Fuck that nigga.

Yeah, I thought she did a good job.

She had probably the easiest song, too.

But she's weird looking.

She sucked, dude.

She sucked.

She's going to go soon.

I think she's cuter than the white girl with the blonde hair.

I don't like her.

Who, Kelly Pickler?

No, I'm not a big fan.

She's annoying.

You know, Kelly Pickler, um, to me is nothing more than, like, I mean, she's a chick I'd like to just, you know, like, fuck her in the ass and then wipe my dick off on her and leave, you know?

Yeah, she probably looks hot to you because you're a northerner, but, like, down here, those girls are not that important to me.

Like, Catherine McPhee is, like, kind of classy looking, and so I went to her.

Yeah, dude, you know, Kim's like a dirty redneck whore looking kind of.

Who, your girl?

Yeah.

Oh.

I've seen her titties on video.

I haven't seen that.

Not bad.

Why am I being left out?

Calls (7, 11 min of 1 h 10 min)

Transcript

Comments 0