2006-04-13 Show (part 2)

She's not that important to me.

Like, Catherine McPhee is, like, kind of classy-looking, and so I went to her.

Yeah, dude, you know, Kim's like a dirty redneck whore-looking kind of...

Was it your girl?

Yeah.

Oh.

I've seen her titties on video.

I haven't seen that.

Not bad.

Why am I being left out?

I mean, you know, she's...

Well, she's definitely dirty.

I don't know about a redneck.

She's dirty and a whore.

Did she eat your poo-poo?

No, no, we don't get into shit like that.

Okay.

But you swing, though, right?

Apparently?

Nah, we don't really.

I was fucking with you.

You were fucking?

Okay.

All right.

Well, tell her I said what's up.

I'm sorry for all the mean stuff.

I know she hates me and everything, but...

I ain't telling her shit, because...

You know what?

Fuck her.

She didn't even make a good dinner.

Yeah.

Well, hey, Athena's being...

We'll be back in the States tomorrow, so...

This will be the last time for you to say something.

When she gets off the plane, check out the way she's walking, dude.

Okay.

Alright, I will check out the way she's walking.

Go down there and get up.

You'll know...

Dude, no, you don't even have to.

If she's walking a little weird, then you know.

Then you know.

And if she...

Dude, if she acts like, you know, like really lovey...

Like extra lovey-dovey towards you

It's because she feels

She's been cheating on you

And she feels guilty

I never should have let her go to that shit

Fucking bullshit

Dude what the

Yeah what the fuck dude

Well I had no control

You know what dude

If she cheats

If she did cheat on you

You know what you do

You tie her up

And you fist her

Is that all it takes

To get you up for that

Can a hawk tie her up

And fist her

Like that

You fist her dry man

Oh my god

Oh wow

That hurts

I imagine

Alright and you say

This is what you get

Okay

And play on my phone

She's probably used to it by now.

That's what she's been doing.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck you guys.

I know, you'll probably...

Carl's fist is on the side of the black cop.

All right, here's another clue, all right?

When you go down to fucking lick the alphabet,

before you do anything, say,

hello in there,

and if it fucking echoes back at you,

you know that it's a problem.

Or if it goes,

hello there, motherfucker,

then you know there's a black guy still there.

It's a black baby.

Hello, I'm just chilling out up here.

I'm trying to get to America for free.

Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and...

Are you my new daddy?

Yeah, that would suck.

I'm your new roommate, Mustafa.

Mustafa?

Yeah.

Mustafa.

Fuck Mustafa.

All right, so listen up.

You want to do a call or you got to run?

All right, I'll do a quick call.

Okay.

Go ahead.

What the hell is this?

Kink Studio Line.

Kink FM 102 in Portland, Oregon.

Whatever.

I don't know what that is, but let's try it.

Well, here's what else.

An adult video store.

Looks like two of them.

We got a Haunted Mansion restaurant in New Jersey.

Demented Dwarves.

Whatever you want.

You pick it, I'll do it.

Okay, here it is.

The radio station will probably be real quick.

Let's do Demented Dwarves Haunted House in Colorado.

Okay.

Okay, you all right there, big guy?

Yeah, I'm all right.

It's only going to throw up.

Big guy, fuck you.

You're all right.

No, I don't.

I wait.

Let's get a scale, and we'll have a way off, and we'll see who's going to win.

I wait.

I'm down for that.

And then we'll run a 50-yard dash to see who wins that.

The real test is the BMI test.

All right.

Body mass index.

I know that is.

body mass

we'll have to figure it out

we gotta get a body mass

index test

that'll prove

who's in better shape

what is that

it's whatever percent

of fat your body is

it was

that little

thing you used to

like in grade school

calipers

calipers on the end

calipers

like pitch your fat

like

but like what if

you're real fatty

in the arm

you know

like

some people are

fatty in the arm

what if your balls

are really fat

they do your leg too though

they do your leg

and your arm

no we can't do

my thighs there

ah you see

oh here we go

alright

here we go with the rules

We should do, like, my calves, because they're in, like, perfect shape.

I have the calves of a 180-pound man.

You can only, uh, you have to weigh me in kilograms and you in pounds.

Yeah.

All right, come on.

Yeah, make the fucking call.

All right, let's do this, I'm sorry, we're fighting here.

Demented Dwarfs Haunted House, you ready for this, sir?

Demented Dwarfs who?

Demented Dwarfs, isn't it supposed to be Dwarves?

It should be with a V.

With a V, yeah, Haunted House in Colorado.

First of all, let them know, let them know they're not spelling the dwarf in plural correctly.

This is to be VES.

Is this verified?

This is verified by Lonesome Loser, the official verifier of PCU Radio.

He's the king.

Elaine's Haunted Mansion Restaurant.

May I help you?

Hey, how you doing?

My name is Dick Saigon, and I'm with Paranormal Investigation Group.

We have a television show.

You might have seen it.

It's on the reality TV channel on cable and satellite.

Yeah, what's it called?

Well, it's called the Paranormal Investigation Show.

Okay.

That's pretty simple.

Yeah, it's pretty much a new program, and we investigate paranormal situations.

And I was just wondering if you could tell me a little bit about your situation there.

We have a very fascinating situation.

We've had documentaries done about our ghost.

We've had some paranormal investigators there.

We've given them permission to film the place, and they've seen orbs and cold spots.

spots. In fact, we actually do a ghost tour. Based on the fact that we had a ghost there,

our ghost is covered in a couple of different books. I don't know if you've ever read Charles

Adams III, who's basically a commercial writer, but he goes to different towns and researches

ghost stories and paranormal stories. Our ghost is pretty well documented. Her name

is Lizzie. Actually, her name is Emily, but I call her Lizzie.

Why is that?

Well, her name, the building we're in, which is now a dinner theater, a bed and breakfast,

and in fact we have a haunted mansion restaurant, again, all inspired by the fact that we had a ghost.

Originally the residence in the 1860s of a wealthy Philadelphia physician named Dr. Reed,

and he had an invalid daughter named Emily, who was wheelchair-abandoned her entire life.

In fact, she died in the house, and the house was eventually left to a caretaker who took care of the girl.

She was in, and what years was this?

This was like 1869 to like the turn of the century.

Okay.

And it stayed in the hands of private owners for a while.

Then it was a VFW hall, then it was another restaurant.

I could keep you on the phone for hours giving you the history,

which I don't mind because I've told the story thousands of times.

Do you ever see her wheeling around?

Is that it?

Yes.

She is a conscious entity.

She actually speaks to people.

We do dinner theater, and in the course of events, we've done lots of shows about ghosts.

And we have had customers, who I guess were sensitive, who have come out to the bartender or spoken to people and said,

you know, you have a ghost, and she doesn't like you making fun of ghosts.

I've seen the ghost lots of times, but when I see the ghost, I see it as like a spectral light, like you'd see in a Steven Spielberg movie.

Now, have you ever been psychologically evaluated?

Well.

You know, just to make sure your story is, you know.

Oh, it's been corroborated by hundreds of people.

So many people have seen this ghost.

It's incredible.

Delivery people, people just show up today to deliver meat to the place.

Customers, employees.

The place was kind of like an urban legend when we bought the property about 20 years ago,

although we really didn't pay much attention to it.

When has she last been seen?

Oh, within the last week or two.

It's constant.

She's most active in the fall and spring, maybe because of a change in season.

But she's been seen by hundreds.

Now, she was an invalid, right?

Yeah.

So how does she talk?

Well, she actually talks to people.

She doesn't physically appear, I don't think, to people who would not be sensitive or aware.

But people who are sensitive and aware, who may not even know it, see the ghost.

People who are, like, strange and unusual.

I wouldn't say they were strange and unusual, just unsuspecting.

There have been several times when I've been called.

We have two different theaters that run simultaneously during the year, and I perform in them as well.

manager had to come and get me, so you've got to calm some lady down.

She just saw the ghost.

Do you have any documented film or, you know, not orbs, you know, because orbs, you know,

I mean, we did a whole scientific study on orbs and really we can show you physical physics

on why orbs do appear at certain times.

They could be camera anomalies.

They could be atmospheric anomalies.

Right, right, especially digital, especially digital.

The main thing about this ghost, the main documentation of this, is the cohesiveness of sightings over decades.

People always seem to see the same thing.

People who could have had no cooperation between one another or collusion between one another.

When we have guests, we generally don't mention it because we're not thinking of it, really.

Life does not revolve around it.

But there is a history about it.

There's a long history about it, yes.

See, our show, what we try to do is we try to prove if it's really a factual situation.

That's hard to do.

Well, we actually have cases where we know when people are BSing,

and we have cases where it's unexplained.

Now, the unexplained stuff, obviously, you know, still that doesn't conclude anything

because there's really no scientific way to prove this or not.

Oh, I know.

You know, I've been interested in ufology and astral projection and the whole bit.

Nobody's ever seen any other ghosts there, like Elvis or anything?

No.

Okay.

The two sightings we hear the most are a child and a young lady, usually in her early 20s, wearing Victorian clothing.

Those dominate.

I'll give you one example.

This was in broad daylight.

I guess it was about eight or nine years ago.

It was in the middle of the summer.

And myself, the other managers, the restaurant manager, and the chef were in one of the dining rooms,

just talking about the night, I mean, just a normal day.

Now, in our business, sometimes salespeople come in, people you don't want to talk to.

They'll wander in, trying to stay, you know, all day long, people come in,

and, you know, we don't know who they are, all the customers wandering through.

So we were in this restaurant, and a guy walks through the door from the kitchen.

I don't know if it was Ben.

He just stood there that I saw it.

Now, I'm not thinking about anything except, you know, a busy night.

I said, can I help you?

And he just looked at us.

So, finally, we get it out of him that he's a delivery man for Westside Meats.

And when he walked into the kitchen, broad daylight, when he walked into the gown,

I am, and then turn and look him in the eye and just floated past him.

I beg your pardon?

Had she been drinking or any, you know?

This guy, in the middle of the day, I doubt it.

It's possible.

This goes on all the time.

It happens all the time.

We've had guys, we get a lot of guys from England,

some tough people in the restaurant business.

Name Andre.

Well, I'm still in touch.

What's your name again?

My name is Ron.

I work at the restaurant.

Ron, let me, if you don't mind, as I said, I'm Dick Saigon, I'm the producer of the show.

Let me put you on with my director, his name is Victor Maitland.

Victor.

Hey, how you doing, sir?

Yeah, we got a conference call going.

Yeah, we do. You're on a conference call, we're here at the network.

Let me ask you a question, sir.

Would there be a problem with us installing, let's say, 30 plus cameras in your establishment?

If we could, I have no objection, we've done it before.

I don't mind at all.

Of course, we're open to the public, so we'd have to find a time where it's appropriate to do so where you guys wouldn't want to.

Now, we have two different restaurants.

We have a bed and breakfast.

But we've had people come before, and we have no objection at all.

You can put your cameras or EM readers or anything you want anywhere you like.

Tony, baby, I hate to cut you off, but our time is short here now.

We have a few scouts that we've located.

You're the last on our list, and I'll be honest with you right now, you're the front runner.

And we need to come to a decision tonight.

night we want to how soon would you be available for us to set up and what we have in mind is your

bed and breakfast how many uh how many uh rooms you have available we have 10 guest rooms okay

great we want to take those 10 guest rooms um you need to clear your schedule for approximately i

would say six weeks we're going to have 10 couples staying there it's going to be reality elimination

show in a haunted house when is your time frame for doing this uh as soon as possible you tell

Tell me when you can clear your schedule, and we'll get it done.

Well, I'd have to know more from you, because we have bookings.

I mean, we already have reservations.

It's a pretty busy place.

Okay, how about...

You can cancel those.

We'll pay for it.

Yeah, you'll be duly compensated.

Let's say second week of June.

Is that doable?

And how long do you need?

Six weeks?

I don't think we need six weeks, Victor.

We could probably do this within three or four weeks.

You get three or four weeks, maybe?

Yeah.

Would that be enough for a season, a shortened season?

Yeah, because we don't need the couples the whole time,

and then we could do all the extra filming.

We don't need the room.

Exactly.

And we have David Copperfield lined up and David Blaine also to come in also.

Right now it looks pretty good.

I don't have a whole lot of advance reservations for that time.

I'm not the owner of the property.

I would have to clear this with them,

but I know that they have invited stuff like this in the past and are glad to have it.

Yeah, this is just going to make –

and not only will we compensate you financially, you know,

and Ron, we'll take care of you too, don't worry about it,

But it's going to do wonders, I'm sure, for the business.

Oh, yeah, we've had a lot of things like that happen in the past, and they have been helpful to us.

And I like learning more about it, too, because we do an awful lot.

I mean, it happens to us every day.

Well, we're going to bring in Sun to get more involved in this thing.

Right, but you see, this is a little bit more scientific.

We're actually bringing in some experimental type of apparatuses

that have been developed over the last year and a half by ex-members at NASA

that can actually record, you know, certain...

EKG readings and whatnot.

Yeah, right.

Electromagnetic.

Right, not only electromagnetic, but also in what they call like a fifth dimension type of...

It actually, this unit was actually used, the technology was by Albert Einstein,

and it was originally used for time travel.

Now, I don't know if you're familiar with...

Like tachyons, neutrons...

Well, yeah, and they've actually proven,

I think it was one-tenth of a millisecond of time travel with this unit.

Interesting.

Yeah, this is real heavy-duty stuff.

Breakthrough, wild, wild stuff, and it's going to break out on this show.

We are sure this is a surefire winner for next season.

We're hoping to be picked up.

I mean, right now we're on reality television,

But we're hoping to be picked up by a major network. I mean, well, this stuff is really hot right now

American Idol right out of the time slot. Let's just say it rhymes with PBS. Okay. Yeah, it rhymes with it

Yeah, let's just leave it at that, right? Okay. I understand. I was in television for a long time

All right, so me and mr. Saigon. I mean we at least need to get our lawyers out there

Maybe some of our techs to take some measures

Yeah, we'd have to get together.

You'd have to meet with the owner.

Of course, they would give you the final impression.

Yeah, we have like a 45-page contract.

We'll bring it over to you.

You can have your lawyers look at it.

And we'll leave a deposit, and we'll work it all out.

And we'll also scope everything out and see where we can put cameras

because we're not going to – these are cameras that are going to be on 24-7 recording to digital.

And, you know, we're going to put little lipsticks up all over the place,

kind of like taxicab confession-type cameras.

And we have some of the best minds at Industrial Light & Magic

who will be making plenty of special effects

to make it look like there actually are spirits and ghosts there.

We're really, really excited about this.

Now, would you have a problem with, let's say,

a homosexual couple that we have lined up we're also looking at?

No. I'm in theater.

Okay. Are you yourself a member of that persuasion?

No, but Jerry Seinfeld, not that there's anything wrong with that.

In theater, you have every imaginable human being that, you know,

That can walk the planet.

I can tell you, I know this guy, KDK, who, you know, that's a whole other story, though.

We have Nambla's on board on this also, and David Copperfield is probably going to be,

we're trying to get him to sign on to host a show.

If we can't get him, it'll be Gene Simmons from Kiss.

That'd be great.

It'll be one or the other.

He's a fascinating guy.

You'd never imagine he'd be a hardcore conservative, but he is.

Anyway, that's very interesting.

Would you want to get together with the owners and discuss it with them?

Well, let's do this.

Now that we've had our initial talk, and I appreciate your time,

I'm thinking probably by the middle of next week we'll give you a call,

and we'll come down, and we'll sit down, and we'll work it all out.

That should be good, because they're probably here every day next week.

Great.

Then that will work out perfectly.

The person you're going to want to talk to is Shirley.

She's the big boss, runs the place.

She's a heavy woman?

No, no, but she's the big boss.

Oh, okay.

Smart lady.

Okay.

Never heard of her.

All right, so you got this?

Yes.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I was writing some stuff down.

Yes, definitely we have all this.

I'm very excited.

Sir, what was your name again?

My name is Ron, and I'm one of the performers,

and I do all the writing for our shows.

We do all original material.

We have a website, too.

I don't know if you want to pop one.

Yeah, great.

About now would be the time.

It's www.elainedinnertheater.com.

It's a fun website, but it has some business in there about our ghost tour in the Haunted Mansion,

and it's all part of the stigma of the place.

I will suggest it's kind of a long domain name.

You might want to come up with an abbreviated name.

We have a couple different websites, but that's the one that has everything on it.

Okay. All right. I'll check that out for you.

Mr. Saigon, real quickly, you're okay with passing this on to Mr. Moonvest?

then? Uh, yeah, whatever you want to do. Okay, I'll make sure that we get that over

there. Carla, this is going to Moonvest. Okay. Okay, no problem. I think there's nothing

else. Do you have any other questions for us, sir? No, that's interesting. You've made

my day. I wasn't expecting a call like this at 11 o'clock at night. Okay, well, this

is when, as you know, being in the TV business, this is the only time we get to really, I

I mean, you know, we had probably an hour and a half phone call before we called you.

We've also called a couple other establishments, but you've got to understand,

during the day we're getting pulled left and right.

It's ridiculous.

You have no time to even wipe your ass.

It's crazy.

That sounds like my life.

I have a 15-hour day, seven days a week.

So you know what I'm talking about.

I can appreciate it.

To be honest with you, sir, right now, Rob, let me let you know honestly here.

It's Ron.

Ron, I'm sorry.

Close enough.

Sorry about that.

Between me and you, it's between either your establishment or a location in New Orleans,

but, you know, like a kind of voodoo kind of place that we've located.

We had an employee killed there as a voodoo sacrifice, believe it or not.

Oh, really?

Goodness.

About 12 years ago, a guy worked here.

Is that one of the ghosts?

They killed his girlfriend up here and then found her by the side of the road.

This is all real.

And he went down to New Orleans, was down there about six months, and he was found murdered.

He'd been a human sacrifice and a voodoo.

A lot of police were involved in it.

It was a big deal.

My wife still remembers the guy's name and all.

Was his girlfriend sacrificed, too?

We don't know.

She was just dumped out of the side of the road in the Garden State Parkway.

Oh, so that didn't happen in New Orleans?

That happened here, yeah.

He died down there.

Wow.

His parents went down looking for him.

It was bad.

It was an awful, heartbreaking situation.

He was a young guy.

Yeah, that's a tragic thing.

He was down there to have fun and died.

I didn't know that stuff actually happened still then.

That's horrible.

Well, in that vein also, some of the people here are thinking

maybe it's a little too early to do something in New Orleans right now, out of respect.

It would have different undercutting tones.

You know, to be here right now, you might run into other difficulties

with political correctness and motivation,

and you might not find it too friendly down there either.

Also, it could be good publicity for them.

Yeah.

You know, we're thinking all different kinds of things.

But, all right, listen, this is great.

This is great. I think you've given us some good information here, and we're going to check out the website, and we will call you by midweek next week, and hopefully we'll be able to come down there and set this all up.

Fabulous.

Get it going.

Great, and I'll explain everything to my bosses tomorrow and run the whole thing by then.

Right, just let them know Dick Saigon and Victor Maitland will be calling, and it's Paranormal Investigations. It's on the Reality Network.

Great.

Well, thank you much, Mr. Saigon.

It was fun talking to you.

You too.

All right, Bob.

Have a good weekend.

Have a happy Easter.

All right, happy Easter, Bob.

We'll talk to you later.

And bye-bye now.

And to the Jews, too.

Everybody, happy Passover.

Something like, the hell was that?

Man, he got all Captain Bringdown there at the end.

Actually, one of our employees was massacred in the Jones Town massacre as well,

and we lost three-fourths of our staff during 9-11.

They were actually at the World Trade Center, and they died.

You know what?

I'll tell you this.

It wasn't a super funny phone call, but it was an interesting phone call.

Yeah, it was.

It was like an interview, and he even gave out his website.

He got a plug he doesn't even know about.

He's pretty stupid.

Oh, the guy was a total fucking retard.

He's a fucking, like, a 40-year-old theater queen.

He works at a fucking haunted house.

He's all proud of himself.

Actually, we lost one of our employees.

His girlfriend was murdered on the Garden State Parkway.

And then he went to New Orleans, and he was sacrificed by...

Come on, do you really think that's true?

No, he's a liar.

He's a liar.

Sacrifice?

He's, you know, he's just trying to fucking, you know...

Sacrifice.

I'm on the website right now taking a look, and I will tell you...

They got a picture of small black children covered in sheets.

I'm scared of black kids.

You know, it looks very, like, um...

I think you spelled Peter weird, right?

No, I spelled haunted all wrong.

What is it? Elaine's Haunted Theater?

No, you're missing the U.

Elaine's Dinner Theater.

U after the A.

It looks very commercialized.

Yeah, no one goes there. That's for old yentas to go there.

It's not like underground hardcore shit, you know?

That's what we gotta get one day.

We're talking about Santeria. I wanna see some Santeria.

Oh, look at that.

Oh yeah, it is gay.

Why is there some chick woman in the front?

Oh, I don't even know if you can see!

I'm so scared!

Oh my god, I'm so scared!

This gives me a good idea.

Something we can do to increase the popularity of PCU

is we could start rumors of a fucking lesbian slut ghost that calls in.

And we can just start posting that all around the internet, making up fake sites about it.

And people that are interested in this, we could get a whole paranormal type of audience.

Yeah, I'll do the voice. Listen.

I like to eat pussy. I'm a ghost.

There you go. Perfect.

I eat pussy.

You don't sound like a girl, dude.

Oh, really?

Sounds like a lesbian, though.

Yeah, like I'm a bull die.

Yeah, you didn't specify...

I don't fuck with anything that moves.

You didn't specify porn or lesbian.

And I eat pussy.

Porn or lesbian would be different.

Maybe...

We'll get Kim to do that voice.

Yeah, Kim or Athena, one of the two.

Well, we probably can't get Athena because her mouth is full, but...

Wow, thank you.

We all know Athena loves to dick.

I'm so scared of ghosts. I'm gonna go for a PCU night.

That's Saigon right there.

Oh no!

I think he's posted the picture.

This is the one.

That's Saigon.

Oh no! Ghosts coming! I'm scared!

My name is Saigon.

Dick Saigon.

Well, have a good stuff, Lego. You're gonna be on tomorrow night as scheduled, correct?

That is the plan.

You're going all night, Lego, or what?

We're probably gonna hit more like around 9 o'clock.

Oh, you're going to time up, huh?

Yeah, I'm going to hit more like around 9 o'clock,

and if Zolar goes on, stop, and if Zolar doesn't go on, I'll keep going.

And then if you want to take over, you know, it's all good.

You know what, Lego?

I'm going to listen tomorrow night.

How about that?

That's great, but I'm saying, like...

It'll be the first time I've ever listened to a show on TPU.

But maybe what you want to do is either call in or tomorrow, you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, I'm sure of it.

Yeah, I mean, I'll try.

That's all you get from me

Alright, dude, well hey, have a good night

Thanks for calling in, Lego's been great as always

Hey, play that song I want to hear before I go to sleep, man

Which one's that?

The one about Lego singing about your girlfriend

Oh, before you go to sleep

Alright, let me see if I can isolate that right now

I've got to go to the archives

Alright, guys, have a great night

Alright, goodnight, Lego

Peace out

Everybody's looking forward to the Lego show tomorrow

Getinspace.com

That is Saigon right there, everybody

That's just good

I don't know what to do

Andy, you don't have to speak to the phone anymore.

He's talking to the phone.

So I know it's easy to mess up.

That was interesting, Lego says.

And thank you for everybody who was listening to that.

How many listeners do we have?

Four.

No.

We got 52.

We're under 60.

58.

All right, good.

So we're two listeners under our normal target, which is good.

It's very late at night.

And a lot of people probably have to go to the bathroom.

And that was a good time for it, maybe.

It was a good time to take a shit.

You know what you say whenever Milkman would do his news?

It's Milkman's news.

It's a good time to go to bed.

Good time to take a shit.

We're not going to hear Milkman's communist news tonight.

Oh, no.

Hey, yeah, the Cincinnati Reds beat the Cubs today.

I'm very happy for the cause.

Seriously, how hard was it for Milkman to just do news?

And he always ended up trailing off into some weird comments about Bush.

I hate Bush.

I don't like him.

uh yeah he uh put the japanese people in internment camps during world war ii bush did yeah he wasn't

alive his dad well actually whose side was the bushes on during world war ii carlos carlito you

know the nazis yes you're correct oh what are you really yeah this is documented they traded a whole

bunch of uh george bush senior his dad he was alive back then yeah i guess you're not not george

walker bush senior and then you know not the one who was president the one who's president is that

Okay, alright, I understand.

You're in the madhouse, go ahead.

What's up, Carlito?

What's up? Who am I speaking with?

Is this the lesbian slut ghost?

This is Jonathan.

Oh, nevermind.

Jonathan, what's up?

Nothing.

I had a call from my other phone, that's why you couldn't hear me. I wasn't calling you on Skype.

Oh, you were calling from what? It said you were in Washington, D.C. How'd you make it to North Carolina so fast?

No, seriously, what'd you do? What's the big deal? Why are you messing up my show, man?

I'm listening to your show.

I'm just kidding.

I'm just messing with you, dude.

What y'all up to?

Uh, we're just here talking to Lego, doing a show, you know, just doing our thing.

Yourself?

Cool.

Yeah.

Hey, I'm going to send y'all some numbers in for y'all to punch.

Do that.

Yeah, do that, man.

I saw you send a few of them, actually.

I have to call them.

I got a bunch of numbers here.

I'm going to be calling in a second, so keep listening, my man.

Hey, dude, how old are you again?

I'm 46 years old.

46 years.

Do you drink alcohol?

A little bit.

What do you like to drink?

I like rum mixed with my piña coladas.

drinking pina coladas with rum?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, well, good.

You drinking a ton of pina colada tonight there, buddy?

Oh, yeah.

Good, good.

So do you use a blender, or do you, how do you make, do you get your pina coladas already made, frozen, like the Bacardi brand, or do you actually use a blender with coconut milk and stuff? What's your style?

I actually use a blender, I'm sorry.

Wow, that's high class.

How old of a man is Jonathan?

Forty-six.

Forty-six?

He just told me, yeah.

Oh, I missed that, I was about to say.

You're taking a piss.

I'm glad you asked that, because you just sound a little bit older.

Yeah, forty-six years old, that's older than Milkman.

Pina coladas, huh, buddy?

That's older than Milkman.

Is he?

Yeah.

Well, Milkman has that youthful Samoan look to him.

That's true.

Jonathan, what's your racial heritage?

Your what now?

What's your racial heritage?

What are you talking about?

Well, what's your mom and dad?

Are they Samoans?

Are they Indians?

No, they're American.

You don't even know?

You sound like a white guy, though.

You're probably not that interesting.

I am a white guy.

Yeah.

White power, huh, Jonathan?

Yeah.

You're crazy.

You can call us crazy.

You're crazy.

So, what's going on, Jonathan?

Nothing. I've been nice and relaxed. Don't have to go to work tomorrow, which is good.

What do you got tomorrow off for? Is it Martin Luther King's birthday?

Good Friday. I have a day off tomorrow.

What kind of work do you do?

I work with disabled people.

Oh, really? That's why you're so mellow, huh?

Yep.

I think this is the shit. Well, I'm not listening. I'm trying to find that call.

What you guys were saying, I haven't paid attention.

I was asking Jonathan what he did, and he said he works with disabled children.

He works with disabled children? You work with disabled children, dude?

Yeah, he's a good guy.

Do you ever put them in their wheelchairs and see who's faster?

Yeah, it takes two people to put kids in their wheelchairs.

Not me.

I could have to have a disabled kid by myself and put him wherever he needed to go.

I once took one and I threw him over a wall because he just needed to get on the other side of the wall.

Do you miss Miltman?

Are you sad that he's not on the show tonight?

You sound like a Miltman fan.

Yeah, Miltman's a good guy.

Do you think we're better off without him or do we need Miltman back?

Here it is.

I think y'all need Miltman back.

Oh, that's kind of insulting to me, Jonathan. I gotta tell you the truth.

He said what? No milkman?

Yeah, he said we want milkman back.

We need Andy, man.

I'm here anyway.

You know what I'm saying? Andy doesn't chop up.

Does he ever do? What kind of choices does he have?

What kind of drugs are you into, Jonathan?

I don't take drugs.

None at all? Alcohol?

Just pina coladas.

Just pina coladas? You drink every night or what?

The only drugs I take is for my seizures.

Oh, you have seizures? What do they give you for that? Somas? I love Somas.

Somas are great.

Yeah.

Do you got any somas you can hook us up with?

Yeah.

Let me see.

Yeah, that's what they gave me.

What did they give you?

For real?

They give you somas?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

I have seizures bad.

Well, hey, Jonathan, thank you for calling in, man.

You gonna make a phone call?

He doesn't call people.

You don't call people, Jonathan?

Listen to him.

Oh, I think he'd be cool.

No.

Do you ever have to wipe retarded ass?

Do what now?

Like when a retarded kid shits himself, do you wipe his ass?

No, the other person that was there.

Oh, you do it.

I had too many problems with that.

One kid kept farting on me.

All right, shut up.

Like, usually, like, if you got a diaper full of shit, you go into a seizure, huh?

Shut up.

Sometimes.

Yeah, I would, too.

All right, everybody.

Thank you.

Thank you, Jonathan, for calling in.

It's been a pleasure.

Everybody loves hearing from Jonathan.

Jonathan, always.

Jonathan from Charlotte.

Why'd you give up?

What'd you knock him out for?

What do you mean?

I don't know.

Everybody knows he lives in Charlotte.

Yeah, but they can't do anything about it.

Yeah, how many Jonathans are in Charlotte?

I don't know, but that's, like, half of my little name.

All right, Johnny, take care.

Keep listening.

Spread the word.

All right.

Jonathan, we want a whole fucking band with full retards listening to this show.

Yeah, let them know, let all of them know.

He needs our madhouse!

Yeah, we only have the dead, we need a lot more.

The dead?

The dead's the kick of them.

We need the dead.

Yo, Jonathan hates the dead.

Does he? You hate the dead?

The dead called him, we was harassing him on Skype like it's...

Hey, Jonathan, I'm...

He's probably mad at you because he used to wipe his ass and shit.

Yeah.

Hey, brace him, John.

Still have him on block once, he can't call me anymore.

I wish the dead would call me.

He'll call in later tonight, I promise you.

The dead will call, like, last call

and drag out the show for an extra half hour.

Hey, Carlito.

You motherfuckers.

Thank you, Carlito.

That's enough.

Thank you for listening.

Take care.

Yeah, keep it real, buddy.

See how at least there's, like, a person

who listens to the show

who actually contributes to society.

Yeah, exactly.

Thank you.

He's not a 15-year-old wigger

and he's not a 50-year-old burn-out,

so that's cool.

And he's not a gook like Saigon here.

A 13-year-old Vietnamese kid

Scared of ghosts

Oh man

Anyway

So Jonathan

Everybody go to

Jonathan.com

We'll catch you later

Later man

See you

Bye

Peace out

Bye

Jonathan

Bye

Jonathan everybody

The exhilarating

Exciting Jonathan

I hate the dead

I have that queued up

This is the song

That Lego made

For Athena

Okay here we go

Here we go

It's taking too long

Here we go

Athena

Hey

Why you sucking cock

In him

Oh shit!

Athena, why you suckin' cock in Amsterdam?

Is your milkman playing nice in the background?

You're such a whore

On Carlito

Athena, why you suckin' cock in Amsterdam?

You're such a whore

But then again, you're all fuckin' whores

And it rose before hoes

That's what I fuckin' say

Thank you very much

That's my song of the night

That's great

Thank you

You know what song that is, right?

That's a thing that's a whore

That's me drunk

Here's the end of it

Here's Milkman signing off

This is

This was the special show I did on Sunday morning

At 3 o'clock in the morning

And it's running everything around.

Fast forward through Milkman.

And shove it up your ass.

Back to you, Carlito.

Well, thank you for all 36 of you who are listening at 4 a.m.

I appreciate it.

Thank you very much.

Six?

36.

And thank you for everybody in the chat room.

Thank you to Joop for calling in at the beginning of the show.

Thank you for Dr. Lego for entertaining us for so long, so late.

And thank you to Lonesome Loser

For hooking us up with

Numbers so late to call in also

It's been great

Punch in the mouth and kicked in the ass

I'll do it

Milkman I'll fuck you up

Juke I'll kill you

Don't threaten to cut off George Bush's penis

I won't do that but I'll tell you what

Ted from P-U-N-I-N

Suck my dick

Everybody out there who's got a problem with me

you can kiss my ass

you know

I'll drink what I want

I'll smoke what I want

when I want

if you motherfuckers

don't like me

you're too fucking bad

if I say I wanna leave

at four o'clock

in the morning

you're too fucking bad too

fuck

in the chat room

I say fuck poop

fuck folk

okay so you get the idea

I love that

yeah

that was

that was a great

I went on for another

three minutes

you definitely need

to cut the song

so you can play it

I curse everybody out

you're on the air

go ahead

hey it's Jesus man

Hey, it's Suter.

Oh, shit, dude.

Ben, talk to me.

Fuck, hold on.

I got another call.

Hold on.

That's fucked up, man.

That's stupid.

That's what he does every time.

Don't do that.

That's some faggot from Iowa like your faggot roommate.

Hey, he might be listening.

He's not listening.

I'm sorry.

He's not a faggot.

He's going to be like,

I'm a faggot.

So, everybody should call on the guy who's been pranking my shows since last week.

Yeah, but his number up.

I don't want to say we suck.

Yeah, don't just be like, hello?

Hey, you guys suck.

Bye.

Ha ha.

Andy, currently you guys are fat.

Yeah, well, no one's disputing that, that I'm fat at least.

Hey, do the Saigon voice one more time.

I'm not so scared.

I don't want to call in, I'm very scared.

That's Saigon.

I know I'm very frightened.

There you go.

I'm eating rice and I'm very scared.

Yeah.

Earth Dog is telling me play the call where Lego where I was moaning in the background.

Yeah, I'd have to isolate that.

Did you just do that?

No, that was me yelling in the background for him singing the song.

There was a call he did where I was moaning in the background.

I have no idea.

I haven't even heard it yet, to be honest with you.

Fuck, it's like 12 o'clock at night.

You haven't heard from Da Dead yet or Zolar?

Well, yeah, Zolar's probably not going to call.

But Da Dead, you know, I'm not going to hear from him either, man.

Lego wants me to send him an MP3 of that.

Of the song, yeah.

That's going to be one of your opening songs.

Yeah, until Athena comes back down and hears it.

Until Athena comes back down and she hears it, she'll kill me.

Yeah.

Yeah, she'd be like, what?

No more, no more radio.

Yeah, no more for you.

God damn it, man.

Son of a bitch.

Lonesome Losers sending in more numbers.

Magoo's Something Smells Fishy in Hawaii.

No, that's the name of the place.

Something Smells Fishy.

Simon Family Video Store also.

Calls (7, 34 min of 1 h 18 min)

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