2006-04-21 Show

You listen to Madhouse Radio, with Carlito, Bill Maher, and him psychic, Andy, Suga Slip,

Nostradamus, Rastavar, and I'll spy on the piss.

Tuesday. Today is Thursday.

You're a god too, are not you?

God? Which one?

He thinks he's genius.

Not bad.

Oh, perhaps not.

When he decides to announce his divinity, the law sees bad, they'll knock him out.

We're at the Republic!

My friends, this could be the best thing that ever happened.

For those who believe that life here began out there or across the universe,

tribes of humans may have been the forefathers of the Egyptians,

Baltics, or the Mayans.

They may have been the architects of the great pyramids

or the lost civilizations of Lemuria or Atlantis.

Some believe that there may yet be brothers of man

who even now fight to survive somewhere beyond the heavens.

There will be no order, only chaos.

That being said, grab a blunt, take a big hit, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

Following is an exclusive of PCU Radio at HouseLive.com.

Flight controllers, stand up.

When you go, no go for long.

Booster.

Retro.

Go.

Vital.

Go fly.

Guidance.

Guidance go.

Surgeon.

Go flight.

Just go.

We'll go flight.

G and C. We're go.

Tell me.

Go.

Control.

Go.

Procedures.

Go.

Inco.

Go.

F-A-O.

We are go.

Network.

Go.

Recovery.

Go.

Capcom.

We're go, fly.

Launch control, this is Houston, we are go for launch.

Detain!

I know drug real from real real.

Chris, I taste real today.

First of all, um...

I can call you.

Why don't you shut the hell, why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you!

Fuck you, fucking pighead!

Maybe he's only a little crazy.

Like painters, or composers, or some of those men in Washington

You son of a bitch, speak English, America

I know, you speak English, I see

You mother fucker, you mother fucker

Go ahead, you mother bitch

Mother fucker, you

You bitch

Don't never, don't never

I'm punching him out

Boy, man

Mow my lawn, mow my lawn

You mother fucker

Why are you so angry?

What's that quality?

Fuck you, man

We're so high right now.

We're not low.

We eat every day.

The weird ups are into bizarre circus.

And I'm your boy, Young Miles of Future.

About to get it cracking for y'all.

The band has a new leech, you motherfuckers.

Jack kicking a nasty, dirty, filthy rapper.

What's up, everybody?

Good evening.

It's Friday, April 21st, and you're listening to The Madhouse, I guess.

What do we call this?

It's not The Madhouse, right?

I guess it is.

It's Special Edition Madhouse?

uh emergency madhouse emergency madhouse and here with me tonight i have andy what's up andy

what's going on how you doing man good to hear a little applause for you andy flying in tonight

very short notice and i thank you very much i know you had a big night plan of stealing credit

card numbers stealing credit card numbers and uh buying motor scooters online yeah all right well

thank you for taking time out of that to join us great and on the line also let me connect them as

This guy.

Dr. Lego on the line.

Dr. Lego, say what's up to everybody.

It's Dr. Lego.

And it is actually, it's, why don't we call this show Mental Madhouse?

Mental Discrep.

Mental Madhouse.

Okay, I like that.

Andy, switch.

I don't like this one.

We had the wrong phone.

I'm here to hang with you for a little while tonight.

No problem.

Okay, good.

So you're a little busy tonight?

A little tired?

You know, you got some problems?

No, no.

You know what, bro?

I went to the fucking Bronx Zoo today.

and I want to tell you

I've never been there

before I lived in New York

my whole life

went to the Bronx Zoo today

and it sucked

and I don't fucking

recommend it to anybody

it's a lot of walking around

I fucking drove three hours

to watch a cheetah

take a shit

nice

yeah

nice man

so you know what

you see any masturbating monkeys

yeah I saw a couple of monkeys

fucking jerking each other off

it was good

that kind of shit

and I saw a fucking

chinchilla

trying to hump

a fucking lobster

but other than that

a lobster

the fuck is a chinchilla

anyways

you know

every time the chinchilla

got it on the lobster's back the lobster would like fucking grab its cock with a claw i never

seen a chinchilla fucking scream in pain like that before okay but um you know uh i was saying

you know i i called milkman earlier and you know um he had gotten his job at a hotel down there

and um and it was like you know it's like one of those island hotels and they they have these like

when you walk in they have those two giant with i don't know and here the whole i know

His pancreas, and he's in the hospital, but I'm able to patch him in.

I've got the direct number, so hold on here.

Okay, this I got to hear.

Milkman, yo, what's up?

How you feeling, man?

Oh, my head's killing me, man, my gut.

Oh, Jesus.

Crushed your head?

Oh, man, when I fell down, that thing hit me right in the gut, man.

It mashed my pancreas, and my head hit the ground.

I got this big, ugly face of like a witch doctor face in my stomach, a big bruise.

It's horrible, man.

It's like a tattoo.

Maybe you should get that tattooed in.

Oh, my God.

Well, if my head stops hurting here and I can start walking again, get back in my wheelchair, man.

I might do that.

I'll have the whole art in you guys to do a tattoo job.

You know what I think we should do?

I think everybody should PayPal like $10 over to Milkman.

Yeah.

We'll set that up.

So he can get that tattoo.

I agree.

I appreciate that.

I will get that big, ugly witch doctor face right in my stomach.

I think that'd be hot.

Let me ask you something, like on a more important note.

What are the nurses like?

Are they hot bitches or are they all big, fat, old fucking black women like in New York?

Damn, well, hotties in here, man.

Yes, there's several black babies too, but hey, milkman ain't got no problem with that, man.

Anyone that's over about 30 is fine with me.

You like that brown sugar?

I love the brown sugar and I can't do the nine-year-old thing.

man, so I'm actually doing pretty good as far as that. I get them to do me a sponge bath, you know,

and I tell them, oh, you know, I got an itch right here, and they'll sit there and rub it and rub it.

Oh, man. Damn, you're just like the... I'm thinking about song or action. Yeah, well, you know, you're

like the... I might just roll out of bed and just, you know, tell them that, you know, I hurt myself

again so I can stay an extra week, man. This is really great. The food is great, too, man. It's

better than jail food, man. Oh, yeah, so you're in jail, too, then? I'm out, man. They finally

Finally give me back my walker because I didn't have a license.

You know, and I got a speeding ticket for going 25 in a five-mile-an-hour zone.

And I finally got it back, and it's licensed now.

All right.

Well, you see?

You see?

There you go.

So Carlito, Carlito, here you go.

You got Dr. Lego.

You got fucking Milkman with his crushed pancreas and a fucking totem pole guy in his face and his stomach.

Randy, where'd he come from?

You're doing all right.

Machu Picchu.

That was the Machu Picchu.

On the shores of Lake Titicaca.

All right.

Athena, man.

Athena?

I don't know.

Was she stretched out at all?

Did you check it out?

This is her last week of her internship.

I don't see her until May 5th.

That's when I'm flying up there.

You've got to give her the finger test.

Stick your finger in her ass.

If it slides right up there and it's...

She got an ass rape.

Yeah.

Is that considered cheating if it was anal?

No.

Because if so, then I've cheated on her all the time she's been gone.

Yeah, so that's what I'm saying.

So you're even.

Because my ass is pretty loose right now.

What's up with your bored to dead, man?

What's up?

But he's freaking out a little bit lately, he's alright.

He's hating on me, then he's hating on Andy over here.

No, he's just fucking around.

He loves all you guys.

So I got in the chair, I'll mask the dead if he supports stem cell research.

Maybe they can regrow the dead's brain cells.

Just give him a new tongue.

He's coming to New York in June, dude.

Tell him to come in May.

It can be me, him, and you up in the Lego compound.

Alright.

May 5th, I'm telling you, I'm going to fly up there May 5th.

And Zolar quit

So he didn't quit

He's on hiatus

Or whatever that means

Yeah no

He'll be back

I wouldn't be surprised

If he fucking

Cans the show

And gets on tonight

Yeah

He's gonna kick us all off

He's like fuck you

This is my life

My life

Anyway so

Lego you're not gonna be on tonight

Of course

We're gonna do a little thing here

To get it for a little bit

Me, you, Milkman

And Andy of course

And then we're gonna

We're gonna move on

With a Madhouse style show

Is that what your plan is

Or did you wanna maybe

Take over it

Later

Or what do you wanna do

Let the people know

real quick so they know what's going on, so they're not scared.

Gotta love Vonage.

Okay, gotta love Vonage. There it is. That's from

Dr. Lego, whatever that means.

That means fucking you cut out on me

for a minute.

That does sound horrible.

What I'm asking is

what's the plan for tonight so everybody knows

real quick. Are we, uh, you're gonna be

going, you're gonna be on here with me for a little bit and then

you're gonna move on and do your own thing for tonight and just

sit back and listen or you're gonna take

on a late night show tonight? What

exactly do you have planned for us? I heard there's

There's going to be a dead fruit juice enema.

Is that true?

Well, here's what we're going to do.

Here's what we're going to do.

We're going to start out here where we are now,

and we're going to coast and see how it goes.

And then, yeah, maybe later on if you guys get tired, I'll kick back in.

You know, I'll do the stream.

Or maybe we'll just keep it going like this all night.

Who the fuck knows?

Why should we plan anything?

Who the fuck knows exactly?

I mean, you know, you got any pranks in mind?

I got a couple ideas.

Let's see what Lonesome Loser sent us.

Lonesome Loser has sent us

Batman Testing again

We never got to that last night

Batman Testing

We also have the Evil Twin Bar and Grill

Excuse me, in Ohio

Sherman Oaks, California

That sounds like a nice place to live

Evil Twin Productions in Sherman Oaks

We also have Spider Tree

Spider Man Tree Service in Eugene, Oregon

We have Amigos Donuts

We have Castro Valley Donuts

We have Stooges Bar and Restaurant

restaurant. We got two locations called Three Stooges. A Latina woman answered at 9.29 p.m.

at the Three Stooges in Louisiana. I say we call that. What do you think, Lego? Sure. Let's do it.

Milkman, you're on there with us, man? Yeah, man. I'm here, man. I'm getting a sponge bath, so don't

mind me. I haven't talked to you in like two days, man. We haven't called enough, and you're supposed

to call me every day, and here you are not calling me. I can't call you because it's long distance.

This whole thing really got me down, man.

I'm sorry, bro.

I haven't been able to get any calls out of the hospital.

They've been keeping me under sedation most of the time.

I was in the third floor mental unit for a few days.

No, man, are you going to sue?

I think you should sue.

You should sue the totem pole company.

Yeah, the totem pole company, the hotel you work at,

God for making you a half Samoan,

the state of Kansas.

I think I'm going to sue the coconut plantation in Grueb, starters.

That's like first place.

The whole fucking island's a coconut plantation.

It wasn't for the banana falling in front of that idiot guy I was working with.

He'd have never let go of it and it would have never fell on me.

But he was more interested in holding up the racist banana reference.

The racist, slightly homosexual banana reference from Bill Madden, yeah.

He's a white guy, that's the problem.

I don't understand what the banana gig was all about.

He's a white guy, so you tell me.

He was probably trying to figure out who you were, Bill Madden.

I've had oatmeal earlier today, so I got a little bit of my strength up.

So maybe I can verify this thing.

Praise be to God.

How's your cat handling all this smell, man?

Well, right now the cat is being taken care of by the neighbor,

and I got a greeting card from the cat telling me to hurry up and come home,

that she misses me and that she loves me and hopes that I get better soon.

She misses the white Q-tip, huh?

Well, I ran out of Q-tips underneath the shelf in my room.

I found a whole bunch of them here.

It's a low-hazard disposal, and there's all kinds of Q-tips down in there.

They're a little bit dirty, but I got a whole free supply now.

Really?

You don't even have to turn them around and use both ends anymore now?

There you go.

Yeah.

See?

Look at the bright side, Milkman.

I can do a double job here.

Hey, Milkman, you know how gay Cy got nice?

He just said that he was dancing with another guy with nipple rings.

He just submitted to in the chat room.

Can you believe that?

Was he hanging off of them like they do in the gymnastics and doing those, like, iron

crosses and shit, or what?

Yeah, he was doing those flips.

Those fucking flips.

All right, Lego, you ready to do this prank call?

Sure.

Yeah.

Hey, Milkman, it's great to have you back on, man.

It's not the same without you.

We're glad you're not dead.

Thanks a lot.

We're glad the totem pole didn't kill you.

So you be careful and you keep in touch, man.

I haven't heard from you in a few days.

I was starting to worry about you.

Excuse me.

I'll definitely do that, man.

I'm going to have one of these nurses do the longest-distance card deal for me here.

You do that.

Milkman.

Milkman, you're going to lose even more weight now, brother.

Hey, why don't you go get me a phone card?

I'll tip you with the lock of my hair.

He'll lock up his hair.

Give me rice pudding too.

I'm gonna make a rope out of my hair and escape out of the window before I get the bill.

Yeah.

There you go.

Those bills are killer.

All this good treatment, I'm not in a hurry to go.

I'm trying to stay here, man.

I'm gonna try and roll out of the bed tonight and see if I can't fall down and hurt my leg or something.

That's something I can't walk through.

I don't know.

They don't take care of me.

I wanna be in traction.

Traction.

You also heard that's between his balls and his asshole.

His taint?

It's the first time that's ever been cleaned.

They found three ticks.

Three ticks and two mushrooms.

Wearing my taint.

It's the first time someone's washed between my legs and my crotch.

I'm going to make a stew.

Aw, a stew.

I'm going to get a tattoo there.

Yeah, but, uh...

So, Saigon is reporting David Lee Roth is probably getting replaced by Opie Nath,

and he is getting replaced by Opie Nath.

Yeah, he is.

David's going to be on Sirius.

He is, I know, because he's been interviewed on Sirius twice now by the Howard 100 News,

and he's, I don't know, he'll probably go there.

Kenny Cage should probably try to get him on PCU right now.

Yeah, now's the time to fucking grab David Lee Roth.

What's open, like, Monday night, Tuesday night?

Why don't we call David? Why don't we call David?

I have David's number. You want to call him?

Do it. Yeah, make it so.

All right, we'll call him.

We'll offer him a job

I'll play music

And you do that

He can replace

Milkman

But he's convalescing

Exactly

We should have

David Lee Roth

From the Red House

The Dead

I know you don't

Understand convalescing

That means getting better

I'm going to see

If I can get David

On the other one

If I can

Then what I'll do

Is let me first

You guys

Keep going

I'm here

We'll keep talking

And we'll wait

For you to come back

We're not going to

Shut up

Just because

You're not here

Exactly

David Lee Roth

Who I'm assuming

Is going to be

Billy Mirren

You shouldn't have

Said that

That's stupid.

But what the fuck?

No, I'm just...

Whatever.

Well, maybe there's, like, you know,

there's people out there who didn't know

that that was a fucking call.

Who's listening here

doesn't even get this whole thing anyway?

Out of all these returns.

Maybe.

I'm sure there's a lot of dumb people.

Saigon maybe.

Oh, I didn't know.

All the...

All the famous people.

Ice cream man.

Hey, when you save everyone...

Oh, he's freaking out.

Yeah, he's not there.

He's probably out drinking somewhere.

Probably.

He's an asshole, too, anyway.

Yeah.

So, are they going to replace him

with Sammy Hagar?

Opie and Anthony.

It should be Sammy and Hagrid.

That would be really bad.

That would really piss him off.

It should actually be that guy who was like the third lead singer.

What was his name?

The guy who came out later.

Keith Richards?

No.

I'm just playing.

Dave something.

There's another one?

Yeah.

Didn't David Lee Roth come back at one point?

I don't know.

I don't think so.

So let me ask something on a more important note.

Yeah.

Please survey.

Hair?

No.

Like a racing stripe or a fucking hairy?

I'll go with racing stripe.

It's got to have a little bit there, because if it's totally shade, it's like a 13-year-old, and that's kind of scary.

Not even a 13-year-old.

Not really.

I like the Hitler mustache, or even like a strange design, like a cat head, I've seen that, and I've seen like a middle finger, like a hand with a middle finger coming up, I like that.

Yeah.

A girl.

Yeah, you've got to keep up with that, though, women, you know?

That's something right there.

You've got to keep yourself nice and trim.

There's nothing more horrible than a woman who's got a huge bush, you know what I mean?

It's just nasty.

I mean, it's not like you're not going to have sex with her,

but then later on you're going to make fun of her to your friends.

It's just a huge hairy bush makes me think dirty, smelly cunt.

Yeah, because it's obviously like they're not taking advantage of all the time

that they could be down there cleaning things up.

Keeping things in shape.

Yeah, because then you imagine, like, yo, you know,

she's probably wiping her ass three times,

but maybe she should be doing it four times, you know?

That hair gets that urine smell, too.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

I don't mind that. I don't mind a little bit of a musty...

Cunt smell?

Not dirty cunt, but musty piss smell.

I'd like to smell the gasoline on my vagina.

So, alright, so, how cock would you?

In a second, I'd stop masturbating and start sucking my own cock.

Yeah, I mean, it's like you give yourself a handjob, like, every day.

I think it's obvious that most guys would.

You just wouldn't talk about it.

Like, I think you're gay because you mentioned it.

Like, everybody would.

Do you think that makes you gay if you could suck your own cock?

Yes.

I think you would do it, but then you would be gay.

Why?

Why? What if you loved pussy and you just, you could also pleasure yourself?

I don't know, I just think it makes you gay.

The second you did it, you'd be a homo.

I think you'd be gay if you like-

Because I think you could never be like, you know,

ain't no dick ever touch my lips.

There's a million times I've said those words.

No dick touching, no dick sucking here.

But no, I couldn't say it anymore.

Seriously, I think you'd be gay if you, like, came in your own mouth or something.

Okay.

Come on, that's nasty.

Yeah, that makes you a, duh, that makes you a flamer.

You could go from gay to a flamer right there.

I don't know, dude. I think any guy who could suck his own dick would.

Yeah, probably. I agree.

No way.

No man says no. He's just a liar.

Why would you suck your own dick when there's cat pussy all around?

Milkman. Milkman's just sitting there.

All you gotta do is put catnip on your balls and they'll go to town.

Catnip and some tuna and you're home free.

Here, kitty. My cat comes running whenever she hears the can opener.

opener she knows what that means it's time for love all right why are we fucking around so much

we're just gonna be having that milkman to make fun of in two weeks we're fucking around man i

was i wanted to know that's a good question it is a good question it's an important question i i say

i would i get i get my ribs removed at the minute if i mean i can do that you never used to say

that shit about marilyn mattson they got ribs removed so he could suck his own dick on storage

we're getting a bunch of shit that was that was um that was a true story for a while like

Everybody thought it was for real

Yeah

And then they thought

He was the kid from the Wonder Years too

And it was bullshit

No that's true

That's true

No but he wasn't the boy

He was Winnie Cooper

Winnie Cooper got a sex change

Do you think Marilyn Manson

Would make a Bukkake movie

No

I don't know

He's not

I don't think he's gay

I think he's

He had

No he was banging Rose McGowan

For a long time

He was

Yeah I was into her

She used to be really hot

Yeah but

Andy Dick had a crush on him though

Apparently from what I hear

Andy Dick peeled it back

And beat it up

Yeah

She did

did. Funny guy, but he's bi. Nothing wrong with that. KDK's bi, too. He probably fucked

Andy Dick and Marilyn Manson. There's nothing wrong with that. No man fucks animals. We

don't hate him for it. We don't hate him for it. We don't judge on this show. No. I don't

think you'd cheat on Keith, though. You don't think so? For Marilyn Manson, I think you

would. Marilyn Manson's got a lot of money. A lot of money. Yeah. What if KDK got pregnant?

Yeah. With Marilyn Manson with a black kid. What if KDK had a black child? Cha-ching.

Look, that's a cha-ching. What if Shaq came on to him? What do you think he would do?

Hello there.

Because if Shaq was like, Andy, I want you to come and live with me in my mansion and be my boyfriend.

I would probably go because he's got a lot of money and he's a large black man.

I want you to come down to South Beach and live with Starlin.

Hey, I'm going to dunk on you and then I'm going to pound your asshole.

Dr. Lego, come down and be my servant in Miami Beach with Shaq.

Would you do it?

Aye.

Would you fuck Shaq?

Would I fuck Shaq?

For the money.

How much?

All of his money.

Would you marry him?

No.

I want you to suck my toes, Dr. Leggo.

I'd fuck him, though, for a certain amount.

Okay.

$50?

No, no, I'm talking real deal cash.

$200?

Yeah.

$500?

$62?

You know what I'd do with $200?

Dude, $200 can go a long way.

I'd pay my rent with it.

I'd pay a quarter of my rent with it, motherfucker.

I'd give it to you.

Here you go, Dino.

I could fill up my fucking...

You'd get a full tank of gas.

I'd fill up my cayenne with that.

A full tank of gas.

I'd get a full tank of gas.

and I go to the Sizzler.

Why don't you Lego put that business on the line?

Let's talk to them.

Shaq.

How do they know?

Yeah, man, how do they know that you mean that?

Don't tell them, man.

Don't tell them shit.

I told you it was a secret between me and Lego.

Anyway, Lego's apparently doing business.

Milkman got cut off.

I got a conference back.

Oh, Jesus.

I got cut off.

Shaq came in and raped me.

Conference man?

It wasn't even Shaq.

It was Daryl Armstrong.

Don't hang up, nobody.

I'll be right back.

Too late.

Don't they maine!

Alright, anyway, while these faggots...

I'm gonna do a prank call, fuck them.

Who you wanna call, Andy? Three Stooges?

Yeah, you do call Three Stooges. Can you do a Three Stooges voice?

Woo!

Sticky plumbing.

Sticky, yeah.

Sticky Mulligans.

Sticky, Sticky Beets Pub.

Foster Old Fashioned Freeze.

A gay sounding guy answered. That's good.

Gay sounding guy?

Foster Old Fashioned Freeze Drive-Thru Dining.

Let's do it. Let's do that one.

Ask him if you can figure...

What the hell is 69 Ice Fruit?

It's a pancreas, man.

Yes, yes, I'm here.

The nurse accidentally disconfirmed there.

They had to...

Anally?

I don't know why...

I wouldn't let him do it any other way.

Stuck a damn thermometer in my ass there,

and I farted right in her face,

and then she accidentally ripped the phone out of her hands.

Then she put it in my butt, too.

Mercury enema.

Like that, yeah.

Yo, dude, let me ask you something.

Would you fuck Shaq in the ass for 200 bucks?

No.

That's the other way around.

Goodbye.

No, Shaq is fucking Milkman, not the other way around.

Can you imagine the pressure on that condom?

Milkman is receiving, not giving.

No dude, no dude. If I gotta give up sex, then I'll give up sex.

Yo, the only guy I like is George Ebert.

Yo, I'll give you a million dollars.

I'll give you a million dollars and I'll let you wash your mouth out with Listerine.

If I can't handle sex, then I guess it's time to give up, ain't it?

I'll become a nun.

I'm just saying, like, a one-time shot, you could be a millionaire.

You wouldn't do it?

A one-time shot.

For a million dollars, I will, yeah.

I think it's good that you said no, Bill, man.

That's right.

I just can't imagine how I would be in that state of mind.

I would be so loaded.

It wouldn't be about a state of mind.

I would be so loaded.

I'd put on a little thong, you can call me Sally, and give me the fucking million dollars.

I'd eat so much Xanax and drink so much beer that I wouldn't remember, and I'd have a million dollars.

He who denies it the most.

The only way I could do that, I could talk one of these crazy PCU listeners into going half with me

if I got them the gig, and they would do it in my place.

Oh, there you go. Now that's ingenuity.

That I'd go for. I would go for getting the gig lined up.

But the actual participation, I'd have to leave that to the bum.

Hey, Miltman, the pimp is always prostitute, buddy.

I just lost a lot of respect for you.

That's fucked up.

Well, yeah, respect.

That's your Maury heritage shining through.

Let's call these Three Stooges bastards.

Three Stooges Bar in Cedar Lake, Indiana.

Andy's gonna go take a shit. I'll put a toilet for you here.

Cedar Lake is right on my uncle's property.

Andy will be right back.

Lego, you hang on over there. Milkman, you hang on too.

And four.

Don't eat the Kentucky Jelly.

It's not what you think it is.

All right, we'll be right back, everybody, with the first prank call of the night.

We're only about a half hour into the show.

This one's in Indiana.

Hello,

Yeah, hi, this is Three Stooges Bar.

Yes.

Okay, my name is Victor Maitland, and I represent the family of Shemp.

Okay.

Now, there's a problem because it says the Three Stooges Bar forced rights, but you did get the rights.

Okay, will you speak to Larry Singler?

Yes.

Okay.

Okay, hold on one second.

Bobby?

Yeah, hi.

I represent the estate of Moe Shizlak, currently Joe Howard, matter of fact.

And there's actually a dispute right now in terms of who is actually in charge of the Three Stooges name.

It is actually the estate of Curly Joe Howard.

And I'm afraid we're going to have to request that you cease and desist immediately all usage of the term Three Stooges.

It just doesn't appear that any of this is valid.

You've got to go with the Five Stooges.

Oh, the Five Stooges?

Name the Five Stooges.

Get Shemp and Curly Joe.

Yeah, yeah, I'll have to talk to my boss about that.

Well, put the boss on the phone there, Honey Bridge.

Is the boss there?

Not in, no.

Listen, can my band play there tonight?

Who's your band?

We're called the Schwarzeneggers.

In fact, the lead singer of my band is the inventor of the reusable tampon.

The Milk Band.

Nice, nice.

Yeah, yeah.

Milk Band, are you there?

Yes, I'm here.

Milk Band, tell them how it is.

Do you have any questions for me?

I'm sorry?

I said, do you have any real questions for me?

That wasn't real.

We're called the Schwarzeneggers.

We play rock music, and we'd like to come in there.

Well, come on in.

We do karaoke tonight, so come on in, sing a couple songs, and we'll see how you are.

Do you want me to sing a little for you right now?

No, you can sing when you come in.

What's your name?

Rochelle.

Yes.

I love that name.

Well, thank you.

It's a beautiful name.

Absolutely.

Thank you.

Are you coming in tonight?

Yeah, I'll come in over there.

I'll sing some karaoke.

Can we do a duet?

I don't sing.

I like my customers.

Oh, so you're saying that.

All right, you know what?

I'll tell you what, though.

I'll come over there with my band.

I'll have my lead singer get up and I'll even give you like a free sample of the reusable tampon.

Smartass.

Okay, sounds good.

What do you think, guys?

And we'll leave him alone about the Curly Joe shemp thing.

That's fine.

Ma'am, what do you think about reusable toilet paper?

I don't think that would go over too well.

A washable toilet paper just thrown in the laundry.

Just set it and forget it.

Don't be so lazy.

God, man.

Are you coming in?

Yeah, we're definitely coming in.

I'll look for you.

All right, I'll look for you.

Rochelle.

My name is Victor Maitland.

All right, Victor.

I'll be waiting for you.

All right.

You're awesome.

What are you wearing, just so I know?

I'm wearing a pink shirt and black pants.

Black pants?

Yes.

Like sexy looking?

Yeah.

All right.

I like them.

I bought them.

All right.

I have a thirsty customer, so I got to go now, okay?

All right.

Say hi.

Hey, what's your name?

Hey, lady.

Lady.

Bye-bye.

Lady.

Love you.

Why doesn't women ever talk?

What's the best lover you ever have, Lego?

He's spreading it around.

Let's call Figo.

There you go, uh, Carlito's very sensitive and loving.

I'm gonna call Fat Albert's fried chicken, I'm gonna take this.

Heh heh heh, doop.

Hey hey hey, hey hey hey, I'll get some-

Mm-hmm.

Bullshit, the Fat Albert thing.

CHICKEN?!

Get my recipe!

Those mushrooms!

Yeah, I think he's trying to sign off, he's like-

How'd he tell you what mushrooms I was gonna get for you?

Those mushrooms I didn't even talk about, I don't remember the show that well, how does he sound like?

He-he had an extra syllable in there.

HAM!

The dead calls, mushrooms!

Badaeba, we okay?

I got it, I got it.

The dead could call us mushrooms.

Burgers and pizza.

Fat Albert.

What came badaeba?

I'd like to know, but how much it may be comparable to the fried chicken number, but?

Sir, what was that?

How much it become, but, but, fried chicken number, how much, but?

How many pieces you looking for?

About the eight, eight to be team number.

About how many pieces?

Eight to team, eight, eight to team.

Eighteen?

Yep.

We don't have, we have a twenty piece, we don't have no eighteen piece.

How much, but, team, twenty piece, but?

Twenty-one forty-nine.

Twenty-one forty-nine, but?

Yes, sir.

And how much it be taxed, but?

$21.49 with tax.

Is that including the taxable?

Yes, it's full tax.

I don't believe in the taxable.

You don't what?

I don't believe in the taxable.

Only reparation.

Are you guys there?

Yeah.

Was that you, Andy?

No, I was Andy.

Did you order or not, sir?

Yeah, but I do, but...

What's your order?

My order, 21 pieces of fried chicken.

21 pieces of fried chicken?

How about I put my brother Leroy on the phone, are you ready?

Uh-huh.

Hello there!

Hello?

Hello, my name is Leroy.

I sure love chicken and watermelon.

You have any of that?

Hello?

What's the chicken and watermelon combo?

Where's Mammy at?

You just tell them they're Uncle Tom's.

Hello?

I like your pancakes though.

Yeah, pancakes good.

Alright.

Hey, Lego, can you do a Fat Albert voice?

They call Fat Albert's Food and Drink and see if they stay on with you?

No.

Alright, we'll do that next.

That hurts my voice, but I can do it.

There's a lot of Fat Albert companies.

Yeah, Fat Albert Hamburgers and Pizza and Deli.

Pizza and Deli?

Pizza and Deli.

You got some chicken.

Fat Albert's Fried Chicken.

Fat Albert's got some hamburger.

What's up with Fat Albert's Fried Chicken?

Fat Albert will eat anything.

Tell him you want a hamburger pizza with extra deli on it.

Hey, hey, hey, just cut up all them meats and put them on my pizza.

Disconnect, because she hasn't hung up yet.

She's still listening there.

She likes my sexy voice.

Don't you, black lady?

Yes, sir.

See?

You're just a sucker.

What song did you want to hear?

You want to hear what?

Pusha Man.

I've got to find his.

I want to hear Cock Suckin' Pig.

You can't hear nothing.

You can call the shots.

Hang on.

Pusha Man.

I'm your mammy.

I'm your daddy.

Hang on.

And pusher, right? P-U-S-H-R.

There we go.

Man, who's paying for this original pimp?

The original poor pimp.

Hang on, everybody.

Hang on, Lego. It's going to be your turn to hit this up.

How can I help you?

I'm wondering if I can get a burger.

You're closed.

Oh, you're already closed. What's your name?

Helen.

All right, well, listen. Would you like to...

I have an invention.

I was wondering if you'd like to buy my invention.

No.

It's something that'll save you a lot of money.

Huh?

Hello. Would you like to...

Invention?

What is it?

Um, I have the, um, usable tampon.

Full tampon.

Do it!

My name is Fat Albert.

Do you think about the reusable paper?

It's always a good idea.

Anyway.

Please enter the number.

Fat Albert.

Alba yuba dooba damn.

We gave her.

Alba yuba dooba damn.

Andy, you wanna try a Fat Albert's?

We got a bunch of them here.

No, I can't.

Gee, you've been doing the funny one.

Huh?

You've been doing a pretty good one.

Alba yuba dooba damn.

I'll try, let me try Fat Albert's food and drink.

This one's in Colorado.

Please enter the number.

You know black people in Colorado.

There should be a Fat Albert's.

soundboard.

Do you mean this is Fat Albert's restaurant?

Let me help you.

Hey, hey, hey.

How you doing today?

Great.

Is this Fat Albert's?

It is.

Yo, how long you been there?

I didn't know.

I have a booth that can hold my fat ass by 150 pounds.

I've broken three booths in my life already.

You wish to call.

Well, that's just wrong.

Maybe we're coming across too strong, but we can also...

Get me another Fat Albert.

Fat...

Okay.

You wish to call.

Fat Albert's Tavern and Bunkhouse.

This one's in Alaska.

What the fuck is a bunkhouse?

I don't know what the fuck a bunkhouse is. Sounds gay to me.

How you doing? My name is Ned Ryerson and I represent Bill Cosby.

And there's a copyright infringement. I don't think you guys have permission to use the name Fat Albert.

I'm just trying to get a line on this. You know, trying to work out some kind of a licensing thing.

I'm calling from Los Angeles.

Okay, I'll give you my attorney's number.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

The jail?

I'll pipe it.

We'll see.

Hang on.

I'm calling her back.

It's Bill Cosby.

I'm calling her back.

It's that dooba-dooba-dooba guy.

Hang on.

I want to go.

Oh, you suck.

I'm going to call him.

Remember he used to do a good Bill Cosby?

Hang on.

I got it.

I don't do a good Bill Cosby.

That's Sheriff Roscoe.

That's a good call.

Sheriff Roscoe lives very close to us.

Hello?

Ma'am, hello.

Yeah, how are you doing?

Uh, good.

I'm gonna have to put Bill Cosby on the line for you, okay?

You ready?

Okay.

You there!

I'm taking the fat out!

You in the hip and in the hop and your name is Fry!

I'm sorry, ma'am.

That's probably one of the worst fat out that I've met.

P.H.

Day, motherfucker!

Listen, Bill Cosby is the same motherfucker.

I'm Bill Cosby, you fucking crack ass crocker.

I used to do a good Bill Cosby.

I know.

I don't remember you ever doing it.

Hey, bitch, you still there?

Oh, she's all up in the bitch.

Yeah, this is good.

Yeah, it's Richard.

Ah, you know, I'm just sitting here with my cock in my hand, thinking about you.

Come on.

What?

You like it. Admit it.

What do I want? I want to bend you over and spread your ass cheeks apart and stick my fucking cock in your ass.

Yeah.

How's that?

And then I want to slap you in the face with my shitty dick.

Can't say the darn thing.

Brass monkey.

You should call them and tell them that the Beastie Boys suck.

Yeah, I do.

I got one more Fat Albert's if you want to try it.

Do we? I thought you used them all.

I guess we did.

You did. You called everyone.

Every Fat Albert's in the entire country is terrified.

God bless.

Milkman, why don't you do a prank call, man?

Yeah, man.

I'm not funny.

Aw.

You gave me the worst in Andy. That's pretty much it.

Yes.

He got you.

Yes.

Alright.

Laugh real loud, baby, so I don't believe it.

Hey, Milkman, can you do a gay voice?

You've got to be kidding me.

That's pretty convincing.

Yeah, it is pretty convincing.

You want to call a fruity affair in San Antonio?

Tell them you want a fruit basket for your lover.

Oh, look, a black guy answered at 9.57.

That's gold right there.

A fruity affair in San Antonio, Texas.

Milkman, order a fruit basket for your lover.

And then hijinks.

Can you do that for us?

And then your lover is your cat.

You're going to do this, Milkman,

Are you going to sit there and be a little girl?

I'm watching my store.

Ready, Milkman?

Are you going to do a prank call?

Seriously?

I'm going to put you on.

Okay.

Milkman has no answer for us, apparently.

Milkman, talk.

I'm going to cut off again.

I guess I'm probably going to...

Are you still there, Lego?

Yes, I am.

I'm about to ban Saigon's IP address.

Oh, you're going to kill him.

Well, maybe he deserves it.

It's all about me.

I told you to fight.

That's his way.

What did he do?

He was being a dick.

He's being a dick all the time.

He wants to fight you.

He won't be able to get back on now.

Milkman loves that.

Milkman likes it because Saigon is less white than he is.

Okay, anyway, we got to...

Mira.

I don't know what the hell Milkman's doing over there in the hospital,

whatever it is that he's doing.

Yeah, we're up over 50 listeners.

Look at that.

Yeah.

We have 52 listeners.

Everybody who just logged on, don't listen to Milkman.

go ahead and stay with us.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, here's...

You've got a very long time.

Let me give some shout-outs

real quick, Lego.

Do you want to stay off

a little bit more?

Do we still have you on here?

You know what?

I'm going to get off

and I'll come back on

a little later.

He's going to get off.

All right.

Lego's got to take

a growler, probably.

Yeah, he's going to take

a shit...

I've got to go slap

Kim in the back.

I've got to take

a Cleveland Steamer her.

Yeah, you know,

I'm going to fucking

tie her up.

Lego, you ever give

Kim any bruises?

Yeah.

Oh, absolutely.

Have you ever

take a lighter and burn the end of her nips?

No, but I've definitely burned some candle wax

on her fucking eyeball.

Candle wax?

On her eyeball?

Yeah, candle wax on the eyeball.

You ever get that?

No, I'm not.

She's a candle holder,

and poking a candle in the hole there

and lighting them up and letting them drip down, man.

You know what's a really cool thing to do, seriously?

You make your woman...

This is what you should do with Athena, Carlito.

You should make her eat, like, a lot of baked beans.

Oh, great.

Right?

Check this out, it's really fucking- it's cool.

I like how this is starting.

Hey, you make her eat like a ton of baked beans, right?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

And then you make her f-fart and she like-

Nice, but it's gonna catch her fire.

She fires it out, man.

POOM!

You know, I had a girlfriend once who she would-

I used to be able to get her to light my farts on fire.

Remember Stephanie, Andy?

I don't believe that.

She used to do it and she- I could never see it,

but she said it always made a green flame.

It was really pretty.

She said it would cover my whole ass in a green flame.

Wow, look at you.

Yeah, and it was funny because I could feel the warmth.

It felt like I shit in my pants.

And that was a white girl.

It was a white girl.

Wow.

Look at you, Carl.

White girl, yeah, she's Portuguese or some shit.

Oh, never mind then.

Well, she was white.

No, no, no.

She had Portuguese.

No.

No, hey.

Hey, hey, she was as Portuguese as I'm Italian.

No, she wasn't white then.

I'm Italian now.

Are you white?

I'm Puerto Rican.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm more white than I'm Puerto Rican though, but I got Italian in me.

Whatever.

Well, you're, you're, like, um, like, in Mexico, the people who run that country are all white.

Mm-hmm.

And the people who come to America from Mexico are, are, are...

Black.

Black and Indian.

Yeah, I guess so.

So we have a, we have, like, a different view of the actual Mexicans.

All right, Michael, hey, well, thanks, man.

You gonna call us back or something?

You gonna hang up for that?

Yeah, I'm gonna call you back.

That means Milkman's going, too, because he's...

Oh, no.

We do.

Hey, listen, motherfucker.

Mm-hmm.

Call you guys later.

All right.

Milkman, take care, man.

It's always good hearing from you, man.

Yeah, I hope your pancreas gets better.

Yeah, me too.

I know your prostate's already fucked up.

I'm getting ready to get my next sponge bath there, so I'll be thinking about y'all.

I need three sponge baths a day, cause I shit myself constantly.

I can't wait til I get into a sponge bath.

That's fun.

I'm incontinent!

You're incontinent!

I'm incontinent!

I'm just shittin' like crazy, I can't help it.

Watch out, everybody.

Oh my god, here I go again, bloated.

You know?

Lego, do you have mp3s of the fart tape?

Now, oh shit.

Lego, do you have mp3s of the gross tape?

Oh, yeah.

You do?

Can you send me the shitting?

All right, send that to me.

You've heard me play it on the show, right?

Yeah, I hear it every once in a while.

I got the tape right in front of me.

Remember this tape, Andy?

You used to play this in high school all the time?

No.

Yeah, Lego made this, and I bought this, like, in 95.

Lego made that?

Lego made that, like, way back in the day.

I bought that in 95 at Spencer's Gifts.

Not only did Lego make that, Lego sold 40,000 copies of it.

Lego, what was the name of your production company?

Ben, it was either, uh, was it Dizzy Toxic Music?

No, it's what's on there. Metal Beach. Oh, yeah, Metal Beach

Were these actual sounds that you may personally or you have my friend me and my friend John made them and

No, it was the big bopper and wishy-ballons

He was a great

You guys did it?

And we did it tonight as it may.

Listen to me.

We never learned.

Guys should put this off.

Are you a millionaire?

I'm not from that.

Wow.

I did.

I put in about $2 a year.

Almost 100 grand.

Carl, you don't want 50 back.

Well, no.

They were probably six.

Yeah.

Well, I'm saying your profit in.

He wants that back.

He doesn't want the whole thing.

Just your profit.

All right.

Listen.

I got to go wax my cayenne.

I'll speak to you later.

All right.

We'll talk to you later, sir.

You got a cayenne?

You're like Bronwyn's wife.

my brother you do that yeah i will we miss you milkman get well soon yeah what's up

you know what i wanted to tell you oh yeah we're back we gotta take a break

no we're not taking a break it's so early man it's like you gotta take a piss

all right go ahead i'm drinking i love these new um the 16 ounce ice house plastic bottles

You got the shit

Yeah like you know

If you got a

If you got a six ounce

Six pack of

Sixteen ounces

That's like the perfect

Amount of beer

To get fucked up

Especially Ice House

Ice House does do it

Ice House is the shit

If you don't drink Ice House

You're probably a fag

I'm out of beer

But I got plenty of gin

You drink Miller Lite

Cause you're a homo

It has little carbs in it

I am diabetic

I don't want to get

Passed out in the fucking air

Yeah I forgot that

You have sugar AIDS

Yeah if I pass out

You steal all my stuff

You're with your

Inferior genetics

Whatever

Everyone in your family

Is blind

wine. Your dad only has one eye.

I'm not white, though.

That's a bad thing, I guess. I know, that's

minus 20% to your gross.

Minus 20% to my hip power.

At least.

Dungeon and Dragons? Your constitution?

I mean, seriously, like, if you think about it,

there's no, like, genetic diseases

that white people get. But if you think

black people got sickle cell.

White people are sick, though. No.

And other sick people. Spanish people and

Indian people always have diabetes.

Every single one of you. Indian people?

Indian people have diabetes.

Like Indians.

Yeah, like Native Americans?

Yeah, they got worse diabetes than you do, dude.

Seriously?

Every single Indian person's fat as hell.

I thought they were just diabetics and shit.

They're fat.

I mean, alcoholics, I'm going to say.

Yeah, and they're fat.

White people, like, we go ahead and we make stuff that makes you sick.

That's why we're the...

Superior race, go ahead and say it.

Well, no, not for long.

We got about 10, 15 years left because we only have, like, one or two kids per family.

I don't know what's up with y'all.

I know.

We don't like to have sex.

Yeah, I don't know what's up with y'all.

We're all hung up.

White people are weird, though, man.

I'll be honest with you.

There's some weird stuff that white people do.

Serial killers, pornographers.

No, pornographers are mostly Jewish, actually.

Serial killers.

We like to go to war.

That's the one thing we're good at.

War.

Yeah.

I mean, that's pretty much it.

We're the best at it.

That's why we run the whole world.

But you make black people and poor people and other people fight your wars.

No, actually, if you look in Iraq, the majority of frontline soldiers are white.

And that's been true for every war

Except the one we lost to Vietnam

That's when we had black people on the front

What are you trying to say?

I'm just saying white people are good at fighting

We pay attention

We answer, you know, we're disciplined

What about Korea? We lost Korea too

No, Korea was a stalemate

No, come on dude

They beat our ass back

No, that's not true at all

Back to that one parallel

What the fuck was that? Your cats are going crazy

No, Korea was not a stalemate

Even more in Vietnam, if you look at the casualty numbers for Korea, that was a massacre.

They won that because that wasn't the full United States fighting.

It was never a declared war.

Remember I tricked you when I said that the Cubs...

I told Carlito that the Cubs captured Yoshihide Kawano, the Cubs clubhouse manager, that they captured him in Korea.

And he was their slave because it was never a declared war.

So therefore, technically we're still at war with North Korea.

We just have an armistice.

That's it.

Yeah, there's never been a peace agreement.

It's a ceasefire.

I told Carlito that the Cubs took him as a slave

because they had their own little outfit there

and that he was technically their slave.

And you believe it because you're not very bright.

He was a POW and they shipped him to Chicago.

Yeah, and they made him the clubhouse manager for the Cubs.

Yeah, and then he was so...

He liked it, so he never wanted to go back.

He liked it so much that he wanted to go back.

They gave him his freedom eventually, but then Nike never went back.

I did buy that, actually.

You know what I was remembering today?

There was the fight between Mankind, whatever, what was his name?

Cactus Jack, whatever that guy's name.

My favorite wrestler.

And The Undertaker.

Okay.

And you and Mike are all the roommate.

He said that, I don't know why this is a big deal.

He said, yeah, I heard that he pulled a gun on The Undertaker at the end of the fight.

I was like, really?

That's fucked up.

And then you guys started laughing like, you're so stupid.

And I was like

How is that not believable in wrestling

They do so much dumb shit all the time

Seriously you've come a long way

From what you were like 5 years ago

You were really dumb

And now you're like you're not so dumb

I'm not so dumb but still how could that not happen

How could you not see in the WDF someone just pull a gun on someone

No one pulls a fucking gun in wrestling

That would be funny

That's a great idea

They should

They should have a skinny little guy

His little gimmick is he pulls a gun and he'd be the champion

He goes in a ring

He gets his ass beat for the whole match

And at the end he pulls out a gun

And the other guy lays down

And he puts a gun to his head and pins him

He should be a black guy

The black guy just steals every match

He stole the championship belt

Yo give me that belt

Yo that belt looks nice

Yo that belt looks really nice

On my waist

With a blank and a blood pack

That would be great

I would shoot you in the leg

yo and he shoots him in the leg and they could bring god they could bring the other wrestler's

family one night and to be his wife and and remember the one time where like brian pillman

broke into someone's house and he was like and then he died like a week later he died like a

week yeah it was like a week later so even a drug overdose and his last name was pillman yeah flying

brian yeah imagine that that's some shit right there remember that one when uh brett uh bret

hart's brother died to one heart yeah he fell i saw that too i was watching my dad i was like

like a little kid too i was like 14 or something my dad's like here's on this tape i was my dad

used to tape pay-per-views and send it to me because he had a box he's like he's like on this

box so he was on this tape someone does and he sent it to me anyway and i watched it man that

was some crazy shit he wasn't even coming up on the rap fucking faggot what's the dead saying

the dead he's faggot andy's and the dead saying that andy was the closet call it faggot yeah

Yeah, faggot.

I see you talking a lot of shit.

Stupid moron.

Call in.

Andy makes it good.

I want Milkman back because his cum tastes like pineapple.

That's what he likes.

That's a closet homo.

He's always saying gay shit and then he calls Andy a homo.

What's Andy do?

He likes me, though.

Next time I go to Chicago to visit my dad, I'm going to go visit the dead.

Good.

And we're going to drink beers and play lawn darts.

Lawn darts.

Yeah.

What the fuck are lawn darts?

Lawn darts are real big in Chicago.

So

I'm not sure

Do that plays it

From a longer distance

Away from the dartboard

No you just got

Like you got a big ass

Fucking heavy long dart

It weighs like

You know

Like two or three pounds

It's a giant dart

It's like

You know

Five six times the size

Of a regular dart

Okay

And you put like a hula hoop

Like size target

In your yard

And you throw it up in the air

And you land in the hula hoop

You throw it up in the air

Yeah

Is there a danger

Like coming down on your head

Or something like that

Yeah

Like when I

When I would go up to my dad's

In Chicago for the summer

Like the local

Like you know

You walk by and there'd be, like, kids, like, holding their alarm darts, like, they're about to throw them at you.

Is that the dead?

The dead's calling, man.

Oh, man, I got to take a piss, too.

Oh, shit, damn it.

Hang on.

All right, we got to talk to him.

The

The dead, you're on the air.

Hey, homo.

I need to get a sound clip of the dead talking for the soundboard.

Can you say shut the fuck up, motherfucker?

You know what, Auntie?

No, listen to him. He wants you to say something.

Okay, man. Wait a minute.

Auntie, you know what? Shut the fuck up, motherfucker.

Yeah, yeah.

You know I love you, man. You're the best.

You know what? My mother might fucking be listening,

so I'm going to have to turn off my motherfucking speaker.

What?

I'm gonna have to turn down your speakers.

You're gonna have to turn down your speakers?

Yes.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Is that it?

Is that it today?

Admit that you love the show.

I'm gonna have to take the dog out, Marley.

Marley, come on.

Are you yelling at your Marley?

Marley.

No, he's talking to his dog.

What's the name of your dog?

Marley.

Marley?

Marley.

Oh, Marley.

Marley.

Molly, M-O-L-L-Y

You know, I love you and everything, but you weren't saying Molly, you were saying me

You said me

That poor dog, because your mom probably calls him Molly

Your mom's like, here Molly, come here, and you're like, hey, me, me, me

If my mother listening today, if my mother listening, my mother will come on this phone and

Oh, yeah, she's gonna come with a phone, Andy.

Oh, she's gonna do it?

Do it. Come on, I'm the master at that.

Fifteen minutes, my record.

Andy, you know what?

No, I don't.

You could suck my cock.

Dad, I was supposed to go up to Chicago this summer.

I'll come by there

and we'll go to the bar and drink some beers, right?

Yeah, we're gonna fucking

open up a fucking beer

that I'm gonna cut you with.

It could kill you.

I'm drinking Jäger right now, you fucking asshole.

Yeah, Jäger right in the freezer?

What are you doing?

You drinking shots?

I'm drinking Jäger, man.

Shots of Jäger.

I'm drinking fucking shots of Jäger, you fucking whore.

You fucking piece of shit.

Did that tell you you're my favorite color, right?

Yeah, I know I'm your favorite fucking color

because they make fucking love to your mama.

Dad, my mom says that you can't go for more than, like, 30 seconds.

You're, like, a two-pump chump.

Yeah, sure.

What do you mean, yeah?

She knows I could go for more than fucking 10 minutes

plastering her.

She says that she barely feels you

and that she thinks that you're not very much of a man.

Yeah, sure.

Sure.

That's what she told me today. I can't say- I'm not lying to you.

Dude, when I do your mom, your mom is like,

Oh! Yeah, come on!

Again? Say it. What did she say when you fuck her?

I'm not gonna go again.

What did she say when you fuck her? I couldn't hear you.

My mom's tight, man.

What did she say when you fuck her?

I don't wanna fucking talk.

Nah, I'm not gonna do it.

Did that- did that- what did she say?

You-

No, you have to go back or beat it up.

She told me.

She said you have to go back or beat it up.

What are you guys talking about?

We're trying to do a really sick play.

I don't know, where are you guys?

Dad's talking about having sex with my mom.

Dad, you wanna do a prank call?

Dad, you don't even have a car. How are you gonna get all the way to my mom's house and have sex with her?

Do you have a driver's license?

Yeah. Oh yeah, really?

Does your mom let you borrow her car?

Dude, do you know what? What?

I hate the fucking gas prices.

Oh yeah.

What do you hate?

Dad, I'll tell you what.

The Dead, I'll tell you what, I paid the most I ever paid for gas yesterday.

Oh yeah, truthfully.

$45 and change to fill up my tank from E. I was sick of it.

And what do you have, like a 12 gallon tank?

About that, 12, maybe 13.

The Dead, what are you going to do about these gas prices, man?

I'm going to do something.

I got fucking $3,000 getting right here.

Why don't you go make a retarded complaint to the gas company?

What do you guys do?

Hey! Thank you guys!

You should tell them.

Dad, I swear to God, dude, I'm supposed to go up to Chicago this summer to visit my dad.

I'll probably check out a Cubs game.

I'm gonna drive to, um, where's he at?

The Grange?

How far is that from Chicago?

What did he say? He's right by Brooksville.

Oh, by the zoo? That's like the Grange.

That's like northwest Chicago? The suburbs?

Yeah. Oh, okay, dude.

My dad lives in Addison. I'm gonna come visit you.

Yeah, we're gonna, we're gonna drink beer and we're gonna fight some Mexicans at a, at a taco stand.

A lot of Mexicans out there, yeah.

Yeah, well, during the, you know, like, when there's no cops to pick, they all go to Chicago and they make badass burritos.

Like, if you want a good burrito, Chicago's the place to go. Right, The Dead?

Well, Mexico.

I'm not in Brookfield anymore.

Where you at now?

There's one fucking town named Hillside.

I don't know where it goes.

Start with show.

And, uh, you're such a dinger.

I'll go fuck you, too.

You're such a dinger.

Andy, why don't you order a pizza, man?

I don't want you to come fucking fix it to me anyway, because you're a fucking slut.

It's true.

Dad's angry.

Dad, you're an angry young man.

Angry at the world, angry at everybody, angry at God.

I know, I am angry at God. God doesn't even fucking exist.

God's the one who made you sound like a retard.

Oh, go fuck yourself, whore.

Whore.

Whore ass motherfucker.

Go whore out your dead, bitch.

Yeah.

Dedede, are you gonna do a prank phone call?

Ded, let's do a prank call. Let's end the hate.

Here's what I got.

Dedede, relax.

Chunky monkey. That sounds good for Dedede.

We got chunky monkey piece of place.

I think I pissed Dedede.

Drunken monkey.

Dedede, you wanna call drunken monkey?

Drunken monkey?

Drunken Monkey in Colorado. We got Joe Blow Films. I think that's the sound.

Here we go.

Well, Andy's taking a shit or something, so we're all right.

Yeah, it sinks up the whole place. Very good.

Hey, okay, so Drunken Monkey, everybody, we have Da Dead on the line.

Okay.

I farted.

Did it?

Nice.

What does that smell like?

It smells like fucking garbage.

Burning garbage.

Burning garbage, man?

Sick.

What are you, sick?

I ate the fucking, I ate the fucking pepperoni black olives and cheese.

Uh, I suppose.

Okay, well hang on.

We're gonna call the Drunken Monkey, I guess this is a bar, in Colorado.

Da Dad, you gonna do your best job here with this prank call?

I'm sure.

Drunky monkey, man. I'm drunky too, man.

Is it Bob?

Is this guy gone?

I got this, you motherfucking asshole.

Well, anyway, we'll be right back. Hang on, everybody.

Well, where are we going?

You gonna make a call?

I'm gonna make a call.

Go to Monkey.

Dad, don't hang up when you're done with the call. I gotta talk to you for a bit more, alright?

Alright.

Hold on, buddy.

Okay.

Monkey, Monkey, this is Mitchell. How can I help you?

Hello?

What the hell are you doing out there, fucking...

Hold on, sir. I can't hear you.

I can hear you too, man.

Hello?

What are we doing?

What are you doing over here?

I don't hear a darn thing you're saying.

Go to the best, best company.

Need to call back in a second, sorry, can't hear you.

Hey, go to the best, go to the washroom.

Good call, DaDad, I love it.

Let's try Crazy Monkey Tattoos, that didn't really work out.

Hey, hey DaDad, I created a MySpace profile, I want you to be my friend on there, okay?

He's on there, yeah.

Yeah, I know, I saw his profile.

Hang on, we're calling out Crazy Monkey Tattoos.

Dad, will you be my retarded friend?

I'm a retard.

Who's I.R.?

I'm talking to the number.

You know I can't talk if you talking messes it up.

Shut up.

Hang on.

What did I say?

Put your Down syndrome aside for a second and be quiet.

Yeah, be quiet or we can't do the call.

You can't sack over the numbers going out.

Jesus.

What is the point?

Oh, god damn it.

Shut up for five seconds.

Even.

Be quiet for five seconds.

That's all I'm asking for.

You see, you fucked it up.

If you would have just shut up for a second, we could have done the call.

He wheeled his chair into the phone for him.

How hard is it? Don't talk to me.

You keep talking. You're like, okay, if you want me to be...

That's how it happens.

What do you have to say about that, buddy?

The Dead's all crying.

God.

The Dead, you hate Milkman as much as you hate me?

No.

He talks shit about you all the time.

I think you make Milkman better than I like you and me.

Oh, man.

Did you hear what he said about you, though?

I like Milkman. I want Milkman to bear my tears.

What the fuck?

He said you were a dirty Arab.

No, come in and say, dirty bastard.

He said you were a dirty Arab, and then he put, um, cucumbers up your ass.

Oh.

I thought that was HaHa.

No, dirty is not.

Well, yeah, HaHa calls you an Arab, and so did Melt Man.

HaHaHa.

Come on, man, come on.

HaHa!

Go fucking, go to the tattoo place.

What?

Go to the fucking tattoo place.

Oh, the tattoo.

The two.

What?

What the... Dr. Lego banned Ha Ha Ha for saying that about the dead. That was a great comment.

Yeah, he did sound like his hero.

That was excellent.

We should bring Ha Ha Ha back, man. Lego, man, let him back in, man. He's just...

Who was it? That was Saigon?

Oh, Saigon under a fake name.

Saigon, that's funny, though.

The dead, how come you and Saigon are enemies?

I love Compromen.

You love Compromen?

men? Oh, yeah. You want me to come for him? You want, you want come for men? Is that what

you said? Conference him. Oh, conference him. Conference Saigon? He won't call in. I keep

asking. Saigon doesn't call in. I don't conference Lego in. Oh, conference Lego in. Do it. Go

ahead, call him. Yeah, do it. He's the one talking to you. Come on, rich guy. He says

you're a half-wit. I guess we're going to be conferencing with Lego. You think Lego,

He goes, I mean, the hell, yeah, I'm going to tell him to let Ha Ha Ha back in.

That guy.

Fucking asshole.

He's the best.

So angry.

Tasty Noob says, receiving more than two million calls a month,

the rejection hotline is the industry leader in humor.

That's that stupid number that girls give you when they don't want anything to do with you.

I hate that number.

You ever get that number?

All the time.

You get that number all the time?

I never knock on that number.

I should get that number. I'm going to call it tonight.

Let me just say something.

What do you want, Lego? What?

I just want to say something.

Go ahead, boss.

I'm not the boss. I'm just, you know, I got a big black cock.

But listen.

All right, boss.

Saigon, you know, we got to work on Saigon.

What about him?

What about him? I don't mind him.

He's negative. He's a negative dick. Hold on.

Let's put rejection wrong, you bitch.

I want Kim.

Oh, yeah.

See, this is the case.

Saigon is a fucking total, like, he's a mean, negative person.

So? I don't mind that. Like, that's funny.

Can I slap Kim in the kiss?

No, no, he's a mean, negative person.

Wait, what did he just say?

Whoa, whoa, let me finish.

He said he wanted to kiss her?

What?

Did Dad say he wanted to kiss Saigon?

He said he wanted to slap Kim in the kiss.

Listen, we're all working here trying to do a show.

Maybe we're not as good as Zolar.

Maybe we're not as, maybe not everything we do is good or whatever, you know,

But we're here, we're doing it, we're trying to do a good job

And, like, you know, telling us that we suck

You know what?

What are you fucking paying me, Saigon?

You know?

So I banned him, but I let him

I unbanned him

Oh, okay

And Saigon was ha-ha-ha, by the way

Yeah

Saigon likes me

Saigon likes me, so I like him

And by the way, I got a problem here

Don't be fucking calling the dead retarded

And don't, like

Seriously, man

The dead retarded

He called me gay

He died

He calls me gay

But you know what I do man

You know what

Steve's a good guy

I know

And when I go to Chicago

We're gonna go to the bar

And get some beers

Yeah what's wrong with that

He calls me gay

I call him retarded

You call Regina a whore

I don't give a shit about it

It's true

If we're gonna call the dead retarded

This is a joke

You know what

This is true

We're not denying that

We don't say whether we're

We're both 26 year old losers

We're not

We don't have anything going for us

This year

We're not

We never released a fartin' hint.

Throw up.

I would just like to say this.

I fucking challenge Saigon to call in.

He will.

He's a pussy and a faggot.

Lego, to be honest with you, I've asked him many times.

You're not a pussy, okay?

But I know you're not going to call in because you are a gay.

Dude, you know what?

Remember I was talking about at the beginning of the show about sucking your own dick?

That's a guy that sucks his own cock.

Saigon had real cock.

He puts a cigar up his ass.

A cigar?

A lit cigar?

Yeah.

No, no, not lit.

And he farts and smoke goes all over the place.

He loves it. He's very gay.

Yeah, well, he can call this show, too.

And he's a pussy.

I mean, like, if you're gonna call it a show...

I am mad, and I'm ready to do a good prank. Come on.

Good.

Saigon should nude Russell the dead.

Seriously, how you gonna name yourself Saigon?

I don't call in.

I'm just gonna call in.

If you call in, you take my line.

Saigon's fucking nice, babe.

Why?

Pussy won't call in.

Pussy.

He is.

He's a pussy.

My name is...

My name is Andy Saigon and my space.

I know.

It's Andy Saigon.

What do you mean?

My name is Dick...

My name is Dick Saigon.

Oh, Dick Saigon.

Okay.

Hey, you wanna call...

My name is...

My name is Fat Albert Saigon.

Fat Albert was great.

We had fun with Fat Albert.

Fat Albert calls were pretty good.

Yeah.

You wanna try?

We got the Drunken Monkey.

That didn't work.

We tried that.

Well, Drunken Monkey is a fighting style.

Drunken Monkey sucks.

Crazy Monkey Tattoos.

All right, go ahead.

Call him monkey.

Crazy monkey tattoos.

Call him back.

Crazy monkey tattoos, I said.

In Brooklyn, New York, Lego.

Right by your hometown.

Wherever that is.

All right.

All right, we'll do that right now.

Hang on, everybody.

I need these tattoos.

Shut up.

I need these Saigon tattoos.

I said shut up.

On my cock.

For your mom.

I think I'm going to kick Saigon just for the hell of it.

Come on your mom's hair.

Fucking.

The dead.

You want that?

Can I kick Saigon just for the hell of it?

Do it.

Whatever.

Whatever. I like him. I don't mind him. He's funny.

What's funny about him?

He's funny because he goes in there and he stirs up the shit.

Hey, I don't like anyone who talks shit.

Anybody who talks shit is funny.

I don't see the fucking humor in that little prick, that little fucking scum bastard motherfucker who doesn't have a fucking left nut.

Anybody can go in there and talk shit about me.

His fucking right nut is purple.

Whatever.

Shit, let him come down to fucking New York. I'll fucking kick him up down the fucking street.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

People show up in New York before they don't know you.

I tried to give the guy a chance, you know, I told him, dude, just fucking chill out, it's cool, man, you know, and he's still a dick.

I mean, like, but the point is, he won't call in, so pretty much everybody in the chatroom knows he's a punk, he's a joke.

I bet you still have more charges than the dad does.

Because, I'll tell you why you won't call in.

Because he's a punk.

Because he's a fucking, because he's a fucking retard.

Yeah, he's not, he's not, he's not, he's like, I'm not, this is my car.

He has a list.

I bet you he has a list.

Yeah, he's got a list.

And he's embarrassed.

And he picked an asshole from a black crack drawer.

Wait a minute, boys. Boys, this is Saigon.

Wait a minute, boys.

Uh, hi, this is Saigon. How you doing?

I just wanted to call in and just let everybody know that

LEGO is right about me. I took a...

And I just can't. I'm a flamer.

He's making up...

I'm a flamer. I love being a flamer.

He's making up in the...

I'm a sissy little boy.

And I've been on Taxicab Confessions in the ass.

Saw that episode.

You ever seen Taxicab Confessions?

With a little happy face drawn on the front of it.

Yeah, I saw the episode where Saigon got raped by a woman, and he loved it.

That was the same before?

You know, the dead's...

I'm thinking of a rebellion, I saw!

Seriously, I think he's making up for it or something with the attitude.

He's probably, he has a list.

He's got a problem, and like, you know, he's jealous of the dead.

He's sick.

Because the dead is probably, like, you know, one of the few people that talks better than him.

Let him call him.

You know, one of the few people that talks as bad as him.

1-888-278-8509.

Call in Saigon, call in to confront the dead.

Yeah, call us in and we'll put you out of here.

You're, you're, you're enemy.

Back it up or get the fuck out.

That's a fucking pussy.

Yeah, the dead will call you a pussy and tell you to fuck up.

I should fucking, I should fucking ban Saigon until he calls.

Yeah, ban him.

Nah, you know what, I'm not gonna ban him. I'm gonna be a, I'm gonna be the bigger nigga.

Wrestle, find him and wrestle the dead motherfucker.

Be a bigger man than him.

Yeah, be the bigger man. Alright, we've been taking too long on this, we need to do a prank call.

Prank call time.

The Dead, relax. The Dead, relax. Lego, relax. Candy, Carlito, relax.

Why can't I fucking relax, dude?

Relax.

Why can't I relax, man?

The people want prank calls.

If he was here, I'd fucking shoot him in the foot.

You can't walk now, motherfucker. Try to run away.

Shoot him in the foot. The Dead could ride his wheelchair up to him and restart wrestling through the ground.

Let me tell you something, man.

Fucking The Dead could kick his ass with his left nut.

Yeah, well, okay. Anyway, we'll be right back, everybody. Hang on, folks.

Calm down, Dad. What did we talk about?

What?

Okay.

Oh, self-control.

Self-control.

Hang on.

Crazy monkey. So crazy monkey.

Yeah, hello?

Yes.

Hi, how you doing?

I was wondering, I want to get a tattoo, and will you guys tattoo basically anything I want?

Basically, yeah, anything you want.

All right, because I just kind of, like, you know, broke up with my wife.

Yeah.

And I want to get a tattoo, like, across, like, you know, not on my dick or anything,

but on my pelvic area, and I want it to say, the cunt is gone.

Can you do that?

Yeah, yeah, no problem.

All right, how much would that cost?

How much does it cost to get the cunt is gone?

Depending on the size of the, of the cross, how much detail it is, and how...

Dude, you sound pretty fucking stoned.

Yeah, no, it's not that. It's that I'm kind of sick and that I'm stuck over here.

Two of my dogs are having litters at the same time and they're driving me crazy.

Damn, what kind of dog you got?

Two blue stags.

Oh, shit. You want to sell those puppies?

I sell puppies and they both have litters at the same time, so they're driving me crazy.

Oh man, sounds like you gotta get handsome.

Well, let me ask you. Go ahead.

I'm an artist here. Anything you want, pretty much, you can get done.

Alright, so you're not gonna do the tattoo. It would be one of the other guys.

Me? Yeah, no, no, I'm not doing it.

Alright, yeah, cause you don't sound like the guy I'd want to fuckin' put the cunt that's gone on my, you know, fuckin' willy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alright, so who would do it?

Yeah, where you wanna put it at?

I want to put it, like, right above, like, you know, between my belly button and my pelvic.

You know, right below.

I want the cunt is gone near my cock because I want her to fucking see that.

Okay, and you want to cross behind it, you said?

No, I don't want to.

I just wanted to say the cunt is gone in black ink and nice fucking bold letters.

I'm, dude, this is, like, I'm reborn, man.

I got rid of this fucking bitch.

I'm reborn.

and I'm having a neon sign also made that's going to go right on the front of my fucking house when you walk in.

So you're talking about at least like about $100 or something like that.

$100? All right, and this ain't going to hurt, right?

No, it shouldn't be that bad. I mean, you've done tattoos before, right?

Yeah, man, I fucking, I got a couple of tattoos, but I'm saying like, you know, I want to get,

this is not going to, like, how long will this take, like 10, 15 minutes?

No, maybe a little longer, but the guy that's going to do it for you is very light-handed.

Oh, all right, all right.

You shouldn't have a problem.

All right, so he'll draw it on me so I can see it first.

It's not a problem.

Okay.

And you know what?

Have you guys ever done, like, I want to get my eyebrows fucking tattooed on.

Can we do that?

Yeah.

All right.

You shouldn't have a problem.

All right, so we'll do the cunt is gone, the eyebrows,

and I'll probably buy a couple of those dogs too.

Okay, great.

How much are they?

They're $300.

$300?

All right.

Alright, I'll take maybe one or two. They're not vicious, right? They're good dogs.

They're good dogs. Hereditary, because, you know, I have the parents, grandparents, great-grandparents,

and they're all raised like that, so the dogs come out pretty good.

Alright, I'm in.

Let's start to teach them how to bite, you know?

What time are you guys open until tonight?

10 o'clock every day, but we usually be here until like about 11, 12, 1, you know?

Alright, alright, I'll come in. You know, you guys, you can hurt me. Fuck it.

The pain is worth it just for the cunt.

Let me tell you, my wife, dude, she was just a fucking, you know, towards the end, man.

What happens to these women?

They just fucking go crazy.

They lose it.

Yeah, after a while they lose it and then they blame it on you.

You know what?

I got to fucking pay her money.

She could suck my ass.

She could suck a cheetah's dick.

That happened to my friend.

Yeah?

That happened to my friend, yeah.

He's going crazy.

He got to pay $60,000 for half of his business.

So I think he was the one who made the business, built the business, did everything for the business.

Yeah, and that cunt gets fucking all that shit for doing nothing but fucking breaking his balls all those years.

Yeah, I fucking hate that.

What's your friend's name? His name isn't Saigon, is it?

Oh, yeah, because I know this guy's Saigon.

He's a shemale, and he was going out with this guy and did the same thing, man.

He got a fucking sex...

This guy, Saigon, got so much money from this dude, he was able to get a sex fucking change.

He lost his fucking penis.

Yeah, he had his fucking cock cut in half and stuffed inside.

side, do you believe that shit? Fucking people, I'm so sick of it, man, I'm gonna fucking

heroin and come over there. I hate you, bro, I hate you. You feel my pain? You feel my

pain? Yeah, I know what you're going through, bro, I just broke up with my girl and I'm

going through hell. Dude, so maybe, I'll tell you what, you can get the cunt is gone

too. Alright, man. Alright. I'll see you in a little while, fuck it, and we'll do this,

we'll do this, the cunt is gone, and me and you, we're fucking happy now. Alright,

Alright, brother. Alright, my brother. Peace out, buddy, bro.

What the fuck is wrong with this guy?

Excellent, excellent call. That was great, man. I loved it.

Yeah, man. I love it.

Should I

do another call, dude?

We got time.

I'm calling.

You just hang up.

I'm going to call the sweatshop.

What did you say?

I'm going to call the sweatshop.

You want to stay on the line today, or are you leaving us?

Hello.

All right.

This is the last one, because we need to open up the lines for everybody else to call.

People want to call in.

You hang on.

I want your card.

You've done enough.

That's it.

I didn't make you prank tonight, did I?

Yes, you did.

You did plenty.

I made one.

Yeah.

Okay, here you go.

I like to make a prank.

Slap.

Stop talking.

Slapshot, pizza, and Fat Albert Sups.

You ready?

We're going to have to let you go.

I don't like to make a prank, and I'm going to go.

Okay, here it is.

We're going to call it Joe Blow Films.

You're the fucking, I got a degree in filmmaking or whatever.

Hello, Joe Blow Films.

I like cock movies, I'm dead, whenever you come to the Grange, I'll suck dick for your

movie, oh shut up, I wanna share a porn with you, okay, okay, okay, okay, alright, here

we are, Joe Blow Films 2, Inc., in Phoenix, Arizona, a guy named Joe answered, about 30

minutes ago, good luck, don't fuck it up, hang on, to page this person, press 5 now,

Hey, how you doing? I want to show you my porno.

It's a piece of Carlito in Saigon.

It's a gay porno, yeah.

Can you call me back? My number is area code 365-456-78910.

Thank you, bye.

Who the fuck's number is that?

It's 78910. That's five digits.

Aw, you stupid.

I have a 5 digit plus phone number and 7, 8, 9, 10 because I'm carded.

The actual 10 is for carded.

7, 9, 10. It's 4 digits.

7, 8, 9, 10 is 5 digits, card.

Fuck you and Bunkers Tom. He's so sad. He's dead.

When I come up to Chicago, we're gonna go bowling and then we're gonna go get some whores.

Yeah.

We could go get some fucking whores.

Yeah.

Okay.

Hey, Nathan.

Welcome to fucking New York, man.

I'm going to be there like until 8 or something.

June 8th.

Look out, man.

Here comes Rita.

One more time.

June 8th.

I'm going to fucking visit Dr. Laker and shit, man.

Where are you going to sleep?

On his couch?

Lock up your daughters.

Are you going to the hotel room?

I'm going to sleep with her, man.

Are you going to the hotel room?

I'm going to be fucking on camera.

Shit, you're gonna fuck him

No, oh, what are you gonna do? Where are you gonna stay? You know, it's our world

What if you left you you're gonna do her she's gonna get a taste your retarded cock

For you to dead at least you have one thing going for you definitely don't have a smarts or intelligent

God always blesses those who are

He gives them big dicks. Says that's what I heard.

Hey, tell me how it tastes, cause you've been there before.

What?

What the fuck is that?

My bad.

Ed!

You're gonna be my friend, right?

Victor?

What?

I'm sorry.

Are you and Carlito friends?

Carlito is friends to a tar?

I'm not no sort of person.

What about Carlito's asshole, okay?

What about Carlito's asshole?

Zed, you're the best and you're my hero.

My mother might be listening to this shit.

When I go to Chicago, me and you are gonna go bowling and then we're gonna rape some underage whores.

What do you mean? You don't wanna do that?

What do you mean bi? You're bisexual?

I don't wanna become a fucking pedophile.

Oh, pedophile? That's what you like?

PEDO!

I know, it's PEDO!

Um...

What?

Recording your message.

No!

We've been recording this the whole time.

What do you mean?

I want that message for that company.

Yeah, good job!

The Dead!

The Dead, welcome to Chicago.

Me and you, we're gonna go to Navy Pier.

Get some whores.

Alright.

The Dead, we're gonna let you go.

Shut up.

Fuck some retarded whores.

Say bye to the Dead.

Three...

Two...

I don't need the Dead, man.

Hang out the phone.

I can never be

Retired

I love when he says

Fuck you mother

The best part is

Fuck you mother

And then Dr. Lego says

Is it retarded

Dr. Lego is

Delusional

He's probably going to get mad

But hey you're delusional dog

I can't wait to go out there and hang out with him

anyway so let's let's let's take a break not a break but i'm just gonna take a breather here

because y'all been talking some shit god damn we're back well we've been here but anyway it's

11 25 p.m it's friday april 21st let's get a reality check first of all um and you're listening

to a special edition of the madhouse a friday night edition we're just doing our thing here

in place of dr lego he's asked me to come on and i'm gracious dr lego's in rehab dr lego's in

rehab tonight. Who is Carlito's

co-host, Saigon asks.

That's me. Andy.

I don't know. They put up MySpace

profile.

He's not a traitor.

I don't know.

Zolar's cool.

Here, put my MySpace profile up there

so Saigon can see it.

Apple C79.

And everybody can see how handsome I am.

If anybody wants to see anybody there yet.

Welcome to MySpace. It's got a little bit of information.

A little bit?

Actually, I put a Madhouse Live link up there.

Good.

I did that just in case.

We're going to get Andy.com or something.

I doubt that it's still out there.

Yeah, we got some numbers from Lonesome Loser.

We got The Sweat Shop.

I want to call that for sure.

We got Turd, Toters, and Livingwood.

If you're on AOL Instant Messenger, be sure to hit us up at Madhouse Radio.

Again, I say, if you're on AOL Instant Messenger, you can direct link to me on the air.

Madhouse Radio, you can connect with me and Andy.

We're both monitoring this here.

We're keeping close attention to what's going on.

Exactly.

FleshEatingViral, aka Misery from SinkLands, is just saying what's up.

SinkLands, a big shout out to SinkLands, a clan that I'm connected with when I do online gaming,

whatever the fuck that means.

They also used to bring us the Madhouse Connection for Satellite Link-Up with the Milkman, courtesy of them.

Until the totem pole fell on them.

And now he's fucked up.

I'm in the hospital.

SynthCleanse.net.

Also be sure to check out Burning Oath.

Burning Oath is the name of his band.

MySpace.com forward slash Burning Oath.

I like shitting in the pan to tell you the truth.

The Dead is also on AOL Instant Messenger

Calling us an asshole

He loves us

I hung up on him because it's enough

I thought you hung up on us

I hung up on him

I got tired of him

He's the only person that turns asshole

He can make asshole sound like a four syllable word

At least three

Probably four

Your mother sucks dick

I know my mom sucks dick

You know, she's a full-grown woman.

She can do whatever the fuck she wants.

I don't want to think about it.

God, your mom doesn't do that.

Your dad is too frustrated.

I feel bad for my dad.

My dad's probably cheating on my mom sometimes.

He's a one-eyed bastard.

He is.

He's psyched a lot.

Not one-eyed bastard again.

Any kind of boy.

My dad has played cheating on my mom so much.

No way.

Yes, he has.

No way.

I know for a fact he has.

How do you know?

I don't blame him.

I know.

I just know from talking to him.

I know he's cheating on my mom.

Carly, don't.

I doubt it.

Yeah, you keep doubting.

You missed a secret over there.

I don't want to talk about my life.

Look at you looking at me with your arms crossed.

I'm Mr. Insecure.

I'm Andy.

Hashy's saying, talking about me playing farce.

That was a long time ago.

That was at 11.38 or 10.38 p.m.

Damn, that was like an hour ago.

We've been up for a long time, man.

I know.

We haven't taken a break yet.

I've got to piss again.

Go.

Go ahead.

I'm pissing.

I'll go wait until you play some music or some shit like that.

Go to a break.

Okay.

Okay, let me say what's up to everybody.

Give us your shoutouts.

We'll take a break and we'll do more pranks.

Brayden apparently likes my black voice.

I didn't know I did the black voice.

Well, I guess Fat Albert's black.

Fat Albert won or just me going,

Hey, what the fuck, yo?

Yo.

Hello there.

Hello there, the dead.

Hello there, I'll make the day.

Hello there, the dead.

This is your new stepdaddy.

Yeah.

I'm reaming your mom out.

Yeah, but seriously, I've had enough of that.

She loves the black cock.

She does.

Okay.

Okay, that's that, and he's saying fuck the dead.

Johnny in the chat room has sent over a number for Andy Shit.

That's not me, though.

That's not you, I know it's not you.

Okay, my last name is not Shit.

Lego told us not to fuck with the dead.

Whatever, we do what we want.

The dead loves it.

Lego, you know he loves any kind of attention you get.

Kiss my ass, Lego.

And when I go to Chicago, me and him, we're going to go bowling,

we're going to drink beers, and we're probably going to fuck some whores.

Anti-Drug, who is the guy who's actually editing my shows from night one.

He's a very cool guy.

Very cool guy.

We like Anti-Drug more than any of you people who listen to our show.

Yeah.

Because he does stuff for us.

He's actually above Milkman right now.

Any of you people who do anything for us, we'll give you props.

If you want to buy me some insurance for my car or send me some money, we'll tell you

that we love you more than anyone else.

Yeah, more than Anti-Drug.

Yeah.

If someone wants to give me some money, I'll be like, hey, I love so-and-so better than

Anti-Drug.

Much respect to Anti-Drug, who's been busy.

He's been editing shows for me and stuff.

That you haven't put up on your site yet.

I know, but I will this weekend.

I swear to God.

I doubt it.

You keep doubting.

He's going to cut some Da Dead shit for us to make a clip for our soundboard, as a matter of fact.

Da Dead's great, and everybody thinks he's very talented, and we'd love to hear that.

He's a good guy.

He's funny.

He's good.

He's good, yeah.

He's good when you get him mad.

You've got to cut him off after a while.

Yeah, if we were really nice to Da Dead, he wouldn't be that funny.

so we have to go

and antagonize

exactly

but today we

seriously we love you

Andy we love you

yeah

I'm serious about

when I go to Chicago

I'm gonna hang out

with him

cause you like the dead

cause yeah

well I don't have

any other friends

in Chicago

so that'd be

he's about it

exactly

there it is

so anti-drug

check it in

everybody give respect

to anti-drug

Johnny

coming back

with a number

for anti-shit

we'll get to that

Andy shit

I'm sorry

we'll get to that

soon

Angel Dealer

is asking me

to send him

that song

please

and he calls me

his bro

I don't know what song.

Angel Diller, what song?

Now, if you're not joining us in the chat room, if you don't know how.

Yeah, it is fucked up if you don't know how.

If you're not in the chat room, you can listen to Sagan talk shit.

Yeah.

As a matter of fact, last night we had free porno out there.

Yeah, we were looking at porno from Family Matters and from some other chick.

Some religious chick who turned straight.

She had a nice ass and she had good luck.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, she had that strip, too.

She had that vagina strip.

She had tan lines that let you know where the hey nanny nannies at.

I don't know about that.

I was listening to that show today.

So when I want to peel it back, I know where to go.

Exactly.

You know what the light's off?

Just a little bit of light.

Yeah.

So you can reflect off the nice pale space.

Join our chat room.

You can go to two places.

You can go to the homepage for PCU Radio.

That's kdkprankcalls.com.

Again, that's kdkprankcalls.com.

KDK as in kill death kill.

Blah, blah, blah.

That's the homepage of PCU Prank Hell Underground Radio.

Our flagship station

Also the homepage of

Flagship

Well speaking of which

Fagship

KDK

That's his site

Pretty much

KDK

He'll be hosting a show here tomorrow night

About this time

10pm Eastern is when he normally starts

The Lunatic Fringe

Good show

What else is going on

Tasty Noob is sending in

Oh we're dropping dude

52

We have 52 listeners

Okay

We've lost about 5 minutes

The minute

I swear to god

Every time the minute

I mentioned a break

Everybody bolts

Really

Yeah I don't know why

People are always

Taking a break

I'm gonna go listen

To the break

Fuck the break

They'll probably come back

And tell you

But you know that

During the break

We play some

Fat ass rhymes

We do

You should listen

To the break

I put a lot of

Thoughts to the breaks

Every week

And nobody ever

Fucking listens to it

So yeah

Tasty Noob

Who I haven't seen

Much in the chat room

First time around

He sent some numbers in

While we were talking

Here forever

KDK Crochet 2

Okay

Cafe Saigon

on to, we have the Fat Albert

Daycare. You gotta call

that. Yeah, definitely.

Hey, hey, hey, I didn't get my key back.

They're probably closed. I don't think you can

confirm his number. Daycare's probably not gonna be open.

Not at this time. Unless it's like

in Japan. Yeah, I ain't gonna.

Hello, Fat Albert Daycare.

How are you? I imagine I just

seen Fat Albert, the best anime

ever. Insurance companies

are stupid, he says.

Oh, actually, that's the name of a

company. Whatever. And stupid

cupid cupid um i'll keep those in there i doubt we're gonna get to those uh angel dealer has

asked me for the nigger song the one i played not so long ago and i played it for him already so

his need has been fulfilled so if you're not in the chat room do so because if you don't you're

not going to be able to be able to hear our bullshit you know i mean we we do stuff for

you if you request a song if i have it i'll play it if you have a prank request if you know someone

you take your piss i know because you gotta go whatever do that i gotta take a piss after you

if you have any requests for prank calls

hit us up in the chat room again

you can go to kdkprankcalls.com

the homepage for this show that you're listening to now

is madhouselive.com

madhouselive.com

if you want to use

rather if you want to hit us up on

AOL Instant Messenger

our screen name is Madhouse Radio

if you're using Yahoo

that's Madhouse

madhouse pcu radio and if you're on msn messenger madhouse pcu radio at hotmail.com

tasty noob is checking in again he's resent the club saigon night club saigon night i bet she's

gonna be really loud there we'll see about that um yeah anyway oh excuse me so we're gonna take

a break real quick here folks um you know what before i do that let's do one call here hang on

to everybody. We're going to do one call, but don't you guys hear this

for a minute.

You were trying to call. You've reached

Rejection Hotline, provided by

RejectionHotline.com. Unfortunately,

the person who gave you this number did not

want you to have their real number. We know this sucks,

so don't be too devastated. So why were you

given a Rejection Hotline number?

Maybe you're just not the person's type.

No, this could mean boring, dumb, annoying,

arrogant, or just a general weirdo.

Maybe you suffer from bad breath, body odor,

or a nasty combination of the two.

Maybe you just give off that creepy, overbearing,

psycho stalker vibe.

Maybe the idea of going out with you just seems as appealing

as playing leapfrog with unicorns.

Regardless of the reason, please take the hint.

Accept the fact that you were rejected, and then

get over it. And please, do your best to

forget about the person who gave you this number.

You guys trust us. They've already forgotten about you.

Thanks for calling the Rejection Hotline, provided by

RejectionHotline.com.

You know, that day used to be meaner because

the guy actually used to laugh at you.

Yeah, like, it's not as bad. Like,

I've gotten way worse rejection calls than I have.

It was so cruel to me.

Like, hey, you're that fat guy I met in the mall.

You should go away.

You smell like mashed potatoes.

Did you ever get a number from a girl at the mall?

I've never done that.

I'd be scared.

Well, I worked at the mall.

Like, I worked at a restaurant in the mall, so.

You didn't really work at the mall, though.

No, it was a restaurant in the mall.

It was a connected mall.

There were times during the day where I'd go and walk out of my job and go and spend

like an hour in the mall paid.

Paid?

Yeah, fuck yeah.

It's not going to clock that out, you know.

So you worked at the mall.

Pam Thompson.

Hey, don't get out and make his names and shit.

Who is this?

What's up with Tom?

Yo, what's up, girl?

What's up, girl?

How you doing, girl?

You want me to peel it back and beat it up?

Oh, damn.

You sound like a dude.

You got a masculine voice, but I'm looking to peel it back and beat it up.

He already hung up.

Hello?

He hung up.

Hang on.

I don't know.

I didn't know what he said.

Look at that.

It's just so you all know I'm airing your show.

Who said that?

Austin?

Austin Moore?

I guess so.

Send us some money.

Hit City Radio?

Are we on Head City?

The Dead said, tell Andy to MySpace add me.

He requested it.

I will, because The Dead's like my best friend on PC right now.

Yeah.

Carly, the other new, the person I connect with the most is The Dead.

Nothing wrong with that.

Nothing wrong with admitting that, Andy.

Nothing wrong.

Hey, he's my buddy.

I'm not afraid of anyone to know that.

I joined him in his war against Saigon.

Well, anyway, I need to take a piss and fix myself a drink.

So I'm going to

Call a Leafs Thundercock

I'm going to take my voicemail

We're going to be right back

Again if you want to call us toll free

You can our toll free line is

1-888-278-8509

We'll get back to you right after the break

So maybe you want to wait maybe 10 minutes

Before you call that in but we'll get you

Angel Dior I'm definitely not gay

Send me your sister

Online

On AOL Instant Messenger, where you can reach us at,

we have a drinking place, an alcoholic beverage hunting and fishing preserve.

He's sending in stuff for a Fat Albert's Tavern, etc., etc.

We've really hit up with the Fat Albert stuff today.

Yeah, Fat Albert's gold, baby.

It's a big hit. Fat Albert's good.

They should make a remake. I think they already did.

They made a movie of it. I think it was Kel from Kenan and Kel.

Yeah, Kel.

It was the fat guy. I don't know which one that was.

It was Kenan. It was Kenan.

He was Fat Albert.

He's on AOL.

He's on SNL.

The Dead was his gay white boyfriend in that movie.

Yeah.

Hey, Fat Albert, I want you to plumb us.

Yeah, buddy.

So we're on Hit City, everybody.

Hit City is simulcasting us, so welcome to the 17 listeners on there.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, that gives us a total of 21 plus 49.

Andy, real quick, what's that tally?

70 listeners.

Yeah, that's a lot.

We've jumped up.

Thank you, Austin Moore,

Host of the Austin Moore Show, which I believe

is just wrapping up. We're peeling it back

and beating it up. Word up.

Yeah, so we're on

HitCity.Aim-Planet.com

You think that's right, Andy?

HitCity.Aim-Planet.com

No, hang on.

It's playing all the hits from yesterday and today.

Including Chris Brown,

who used to play for the Bengals.

And he has a show on Sunday nights.

Football regarding. So, word up.

Go Bears, everybody. There it is.

So hang on everybody

We'll be right back after this

Please stand by

I think you really need to take a piss

If you don't know

It's 11.42

We'll be right back in about 5 minutes

In just a moment

We'll get you

Right after this

Don't tell me 40,000 people are coming here

They're not here

A doctor has slipped a 20

It's the Onion Radio News

This is

I don't even know

But like

I'd rather be with the dead than Keith

Whoever Keith is

Did Keith

KDK, I want to have sex with you.

That's KDK's girl.

Hey, KDK, maybe we could be lovers.

He'd like to be.

Anyway, we're back on the Madhouse.

I don't think the dead could get KDK.

I don't think so either.

KDK wouldn't give it up to the dead.

No.

I really don't think KDK would suit to that level to give it up to the dead.

Yeah, so we're hanging out here in the Madhouse.

It's 1152.

We're about to bring in Saturday.

Saturday. Welcome to the weekend,

everybody. You guys made it.

Andy, you don't work at all on the weekends?

No, I work tomorrow.

I got like an 11-hour shift tomorrow.

That sucks.

I sit there and I read my fucking CDL

trainer book. You can't be busy at all

on a Saturday. It's not really.

Weekdays, yeah, because of the

kind of area it is. Business people

come here. Right.

You get lunch and you get maybe a slight dinner.

No, there's no dinner at all. I do lunch

lunch, and then after that I sit and I read

the rest of the day. For the most part, where you

work at, I work out there

too, and it's all lunch.

It's what their bigness is out there.

A lot of call centers, a lot of

small businesses out there and shit.

Whatever. Anyway,

so we're back here. If you want to talk

to us toll free on the

phone, you can call us at

1-888-278-

8509.

Again, call in Saigon, you

fucking faggot. Yes, Saigon. The challenge

You're not going to follow through with it, but whatever.

You have priority here.

You can call us in at toll-free 1-888-278-8509.

We're just here looking at MySpace.

What are we doing?

I have four friends now.

Four friends.

Andy's up to four friends.

We're up to almost 70.

Look at us.

Look at Andy.

We are.

Look at that, man.

65, 69.

That's a sexy number.

69 is the 60 number.

Nah, 69.

The dad does 69 with his dead uncle.

So you're officially listening to us on the Madhouse Radio Network.

KDKprankcalls.com, that's PCU Radio's homepage.

Home of PCU Radio and the Benevolent KDK, our sponsor, as Milkman would say if he was with us.

That's our sponsor.

He's our sponsor, everyone.

We're also in stereo on Hit City Radio.

HitCity is HitCity.Aim-Planet.com

And we're also on the SCAB, the secret network, whatever, the secret station.

Anyway, 51 plus 14 plus 4, 18, 69.

69 listeners right now.

Okay, good.

I've got to get some music on here, dude.

The only request is I think we've run out of Quasimodo.

I'm playing Ride and Dirty.

Ride and Dirty.

You played that for me when no one else could hear it yesterday.

today. That's right. Yeah, when we got

kicked off, yeah, we got kicked off last night.

I didn't even talk about that. We got so

caught up on shit. We got kicked

off the air last night by the IP

foot, you know, the internet provider.

Right, I think it's under that.

There we go. There's Andy's theme song.

I love the song. I don't ride dirty anymore

though, so. I do. I rode dirty

today. Yeah, riding dirty, nigga.

By my weed tonight, I rode dirty all the way

from wherever it was back to town. I always worry

like, I was driving, when I drive here, I usually have

I have a six-pack in the car, and, like, if I get in the car crash,

they'll be like, he's still in the liquor, but, like, I haven't drank anything yet.

Yeah, but they used to do an autopsy trying to catch me.

Whenever you die, Andy, make sure they give you that autopsy.

This is a song right here.

That's right.

I was on to this song way more than anyone else, like, way before anyone else.

John likes the song.

He's a really smart kid.

John ain't in the chat room.

talking about

is it chameleon

or chameleon

chameleon

like he's a chameleon

but he's a millionaire

at the same time

Tasty Noob says

there's a Fat Albert

song out there

he's riding dirty

with chicken grease

that's right

I bet he is man

I bet you Fat Albert

stinks

hey hey hey

I'm covered in chicken grease

Fat Albert was a real guy

he probably stinks

like shit

he would

I'm a fat guy

I probably don't

smell good

I don't smell good either

that's why I take

three showers a day

you need to too

I would recommend

four

not to be mean

but you should take four.

That's too much pruning, though.

I don't know.

You should be permanently

in a vat of water.

Jesus.

Just soak in this formaldehyde

all day.

Bleach.

You stick too much.

Bleach and formaldehyde.

Bleach.

Fucking bleach.

I hate bleach.

And don't go up and down steps

if you can avoid it.

Yeah, you sweat too much.

God, I have no AC in my car.

Really?

I don't either,

but I don't use AC.

I have it in my car,

but I roll down my window.

I'd rather ride with the windows

So like all the hosts

Can see me riding

Fuck that

Today I was

Swipping my ass

Off of my car

I like the bitches

Who recognize that

Appleseed is on the prowl

Yeah it's comfortable

So you get your red light

Not even then

Like

That's when I turn

The music way up

And I look out the window

And I'm like

Yee

It was 92

It was like 98

With a heat index

Humidity and shit

98 degrees

That just proves

That you're not true

Puerto Rican

Cause I would figure

Anybody from Puerto Rico

Could be able to handle that

Whatever

Better than fucking New York

I'm not even talking about New York

I'd kick a New Yorker's ass right now if I could.

Yeah, they would wipe the floor with you.

You're a pussy.

You're a bunch of fucking nigger wannabes.

Sorry, I'm talking honestly.

Johnny's giving us...

Is that really the MySpace page for...

John Milligan has a MySpace page.

They all do.

You know Dave Chappelle's Rogan's on there?

That's stupid.

Why would you...

started my own pr-

It's not a pretty shitty MySpace page.

Yeah like that's like worse than mine.

Have you seen Osama-

There's an Osama Bin Laden one.

Welcome to my MySpace page infinite.

I will soon be bombing your hometown.

I do not add the infinite!

And now I'm going to kill you.

Only does with uh love for Mohammed the only prophet the lord.

La la la la la la the oxfire.

Put your fucking and shit.

Lawa!

Yeah!

There you go.

One that you'll have your own computer and you can do this show whenever.

I doubt it.

I know.

Anyway, so shall we continue, Andy?

Sure.

Our friend calls the Bunny Ranch, apparently.

There's the Fat Albert song.

Yeah, I guess so.

What is this Fat Albert song?

What the fuck is this all about?

Why are you selling me the Fat Albert song?

Is it the third?

I'm Fat Albert.

This is the Bit Torn song, apparently.

The guy who was playing guitar

I mean playing

Sorry

Piano

He's pretty fat

He's a pretty fat guy

Yeah he's a fat guy

Canceled

Yeah we hate that guy

That's enough

Whoever sent us that guy

You suck

Who was it anyway

Tasty Noob

Sorry Tasty Noob

That was a little bit too much

The Bit Torn song

We tried to listen to it

But it just took too long

Maybe I'm wrong

We hated it

And now we hate you

Yeah sorry

So we have to

I'm sorry Tasty Noob

You're a new guy

Tasty Noob is a noob

Noob

See if we listen to it

He says

It's not our fault that they did like

30 seconds of piano intro

It took too long

Maybe if you get the edited version or something

Or maybe we had a version that didn't suck cock

Exactly

Like the dad does

How about the club Saigon night

Club Saigon night

How about we call that

Alright

You motherfucker

You gotta call Eddie and ask him why they're beefing

Anti-joker supporting my stream

Is cutting in and out

That's cause the stream is shitty

It is a shitty stream but I can't help it

Sorry dude I do what I can

I pay my money and I do what I can afford

But we're still entertaining y'all

We're entertaining all

47 plus 17 plus 4

That's 21 plus 47

68

We've lost one listener

Not bad Andy for 10 minutes

Close Saigon night

See where their dilly is. We'll be right back after that. Hang on for a second.

Hello?

Uh, hi. Turds?

Yeah.

Okay. Um, can I please...

Who's this?

Go ahead.

Who's this?

My name is Ralph. I'm Little John.

Okay. Something I can help you with?

Yeah. Can I place an order?

Sure.

Okay. Any specials going on right now? Anything I should know about that you guys are promoting?

Stuff, you know. I just got this number here.

What are you looking for?

I'm looking for some photography. I want to place an order for someone to come by and take some pictures.

No, this...

You're looking...

Asshole.

I have...

Shut up.

...plunked septics.

Hey, shut up, man.

Hey, kiss my ass, dick.

Hey, come plunk my septic, you faggot.

I'll tell you what, pal.

Call my phone number.

You give me an address and I'll come...

Okay.

I'll give it to you right now.

You ready?

Sure.

215 Glendale Street, Glenwood, Indiana.

Iowa.

Glenwood, Indiana.

Iowa.

51534.

Come on, do it, bitch.

You got a problem?

Bitch, yep.

Hey.

You know what?

and I'll have sex with your woman in front of you.

Sure.

And you can't do nothing about it.

You're a big talker for a little boy.

She likes me so much.

Good night, pal.

Hey, turd.

Turd burglar.

What the fuck's that asshole's problem?

I don't know.

It's just a company.

You call yourself turd toter,

you don't expect some prank calls.

Yeah.

Turd toter's in living good photography.

I guess he's just in the turd business now.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

We'll call the Masha Allah Grocery.

what's up man what you got there from on special right tonight hello what do you have on special

tonight stupid my name is ralph little john and i talk really slow dig you dig how much is bread

how much is bread oh jesus god what are you stupid open your fucking ears how much is bread

how is bread oh man it's midnight we just took a break but nothing's working here it's too late

I don't know how Zolar does it

I think he starts calling regular people at this point

But I just don't have the talent for that

I got Tasty Noob sending me weird shit

Let's see

Lonesome Loser just sent the Masha a la Grocery

Anything else here maybe it can hit

Let's see

And that didn't work yeah

What about Brass Monkey did you call him

I tried then that didn't work with the dead

He ruined that one

And Chunky

Hello

We tried it

We did all the fat albums

A&W Root Beer

Wow

You ever been to

A&W Root Beer stand man

No I haven't actually

They started coming back

And the

Fucking action and stuff now

It's weird

Should look into it

They got good hot dogs there

Let's try that

A&W Root Beer

In California

Hey buddy

Um

Hot dogs still going on

Over there right now

Pardon

Hot dogs are still going

on over there if what's going on over here hot dogs hot dogs yeah we still got hot dogs uh corn

dogs or hot dogs corn dogs too okay what's better in your opinion yeah i can barely hear you what's

easier for you to make for me right now i don't want to put a lot of pressure on you are you guys

24 hours uh hot dogs don't be stupid okay yeah how about you gonna come by do you have a diet

um float at the least i float yeah we can make a diet root beer float well just with the diet

root beer this is the ice cream diet too uh no don't be stupid okay that's not diet stupid

yeah yeah all we got is a diet soda yeah so what you're gonna give me diet soda with regular ice

cream yeah if you want what are you stupid huh where's the sugar-free ice cream uh no we don't

we don't carry sugar-free you know that's a bunch of shit huh what's the point in carrying the diet

root beer without the diet um ice cream yeah i don't i don't know so you're gonna get so if i

I go and order a diet root beer float, I'm going to get regular ice cream with tons of

sugar in it?

Yeah.

What, are you stupid?

Well, well.

What, are you trying to get me dead or something?

You trying to get me a headache?

You trying to get me in a coma?

Well, no.

It's up there.

It says ice cream.

On our billboard, it says ice cream, not diet ice cream.

So, why don't you explain to me why my 76-year-old mother went in there and asked for a diet

float, got this thing full of sugar, and now I think she's going to go into a coma

and she's diabetic.

Well, I'm just saying, ice cream, if it says diet ice cream, it would say diet ice cream.

It's labeled on the billboard.

She asked for sugar-free, and she got a diet root beer float, and it had sugar in it, and I think she's going to go into a coma.

Okay, well...

So what can you do for me?

What can I do for you?

Yeah, you've got to fix this. You've got to make this right.

You know what? I have no authority to fix it.

Okay.

I'm just a night shifter.

So my mom is just going to go into a coma and die? Slowly?

Well, well, well.

Suffer? Do you know how much she's going to suffer now?

Do you know what I've got to go through now?

Well, you know, sir, you can phone the general manager in the morning.

No, I'm going to talk to you all night.

Well, sir, I can't do it.

What is your name? What is your name?

I told you, I said, Mongolian Mike speaking.

Mongolian Mike?

No.

Okay, what is your social security number?

Because I'm going to put this on your credit.

Do you know how much a funeral costs?

Well, I'm not authorized to give you that.

Well, you're authorized. You already agreed to send me a check.

I'm not sending nothing.

Well, the price of the funeral is covered per your warranty, sir.

Well, sir, you know what? You're going to have to take it over with my boss.

Well, ignorance of the law puts you in charge of it, sir, because between me and you, Mungerwood Mike is in charge.

I did not serve the woman.

Yes, you did.

I did not.

But you're in charge. You're answering the phone.

Well, you know what?

Who's in charge there right now? Because obviously you're not.

No, sir. I'm sorry. You can talk. Take it over with people that couldn't talk to you.

Can you let me talk to a man, perhaps? Maybe not a woman like you who might be in charge?

You know what, sir? I don't have to take the insult.

Why?

I don't have to take the... My mom is... My mother is going to go into a diabetic coma now because of you.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Good one.

It's called the Mochaccino Cafe. They're probably close by now.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

5-42-MINUTES.

Hey, how you doing?

Mocaccino Cafe?

Yes.

Um, I have a question.

My mother just went in there, ordered a diet moccaccino.

Uh, diet moccaccino?

Right, a diet drink.

Some kind of diet drink, and apparently it had some kind of sugar in it, and she doesn't

look too good.

I think she's going into a coma.

Okay.

So, what are we talking about as far as compensation goes?

Where is she?

Oh, she's in the ambulance on her way to the hospital now.

I don't think she's going to make it.

This is the third time it's happened.

When was that?

I don't know.

Earlier today in the evening.

Early evening.

Well, I got to see her personally.

I can't just...

You don't need to see her personally, you stupid.

What are you going to do?

Go down to the hospital and see her?

I wish.

You bring her some flowers while you're at it.

And you better hurry up because she's not going to be around for much longer.

Wait, what exactly you ordered?

I have no idea.

I had a lot of sugar.

I'm seeing here.

I got your stuff here.

The receipt and everything.

I found your number here.

All I know is that you guys are responsible.

Responsible? I'm holding you personally responsible. What's your name?

Well, I got to see the receipt, what she ordered, and then I have no idea what it is.

What's your name, though?

That's what it is.

What's your name?

Jay.

Jay? Okay. What's your social security number?

I can't give that away.

Well, sure you can. Just give me the first three digits.

That's okay. Why don't you come down here? I'll be here.

It's too late. It's too late. She's gone.

I'm writing her off, but I think for the most part you guys need to maybe pay for the funeral, don't you think?

What do you have in your bank account, do you think?

This is really ridiculous.

Do you have someone else I can talk to there that maybe is not, you know, sounding like they have something in their mouth?

I mean, that's shocking to me, that's all.

It's shocking to me? My mom's gonna die, how do you think I feel?

I feel terrible, but I'm...

Well, shit, I mean, it's too late for that now, it's over.

I mean, how do you think it feels when my mother is in the ambulance going away?

And the paramedic said it's over, you know?

I mean, seriously, what are they going to do for me right now?

Who the hell is that in the background?

Okay, get yourself a shot of Express or something, but wrap it up because it's not funny.

It's not funny, I know.

It's not funny at all, buddy.

I know it's not funny.

Do I sound like I'm laughing?

It's not funny. I'm just shocked right now, okay?

You're over there laughing. You're cracking up, and I'm not laughing at all.

I'm not laughing at all.

I'm not laughing.

I don't know what to do, man. I mean, I live in her house. I'm not going to be able to pay this stuff. I can't pay these taxes.

I mean, look at me. I'm a loser. Where am I going to live now?

Make this right. Make it right now. Hurry up and make it right.

I can't make it right without me actually going there to see myself.

Well, hurry up. You know how to get down here?

Okay.

Down to the hospital?

Where? Where's the hospital?

The hospital. The one that closed over here. I don't even know the name of it. I just moved over here.

In Berkeley?

Exactly, that's the one.

I don't know. I don't know if I have time.

I mean, how soon can you be ready?

I'm ready right now. I'm just really...

Look, really, don't waste my time.

Look, kid, don't waste my... How old are you, anyway?

I bet you guys put... I really hope it was sugar.

I really do hope it was some kind of poison.

It wasn't sugar, though. There's no poison.

So it was the sugar.

Of course it's gonna be sugar. I mean, drinks.

I've got you on tape, man.

I don't know what to say, but you just admitted to a crime.

Just messed up.

Really have to come down here. Look if if you can take the heat

Maybe we should pass the phone off to somebody else

Look if if you tell me who really did it look all you got to tell me do is who really do what no no

No, do what we didn't do anything. Just tell me who did it. It doesn't have to be you just tell me who did it

I'll I'll tell you

Colin is not answering

Terrified those hey he was scared shit myself. He won't even answer. He's probably killing himself. I must go cut over my belly

I must commit harry killing

harry killing

Harry Caray!

Isn't that when they

stab themselves

and they kill themselves?

Harry Caray!

Blockbuster video.

Anti-Dork tells me

to call as Eddie

and do the DVD

rewinder thing

that we never did.

Yeah, I love when

you call as Eddie.

Anything by Eddie

is funny.

Eddie is funny.

Eddie's popular and funny.

I get a lot of requests

for Eddie.

Shouldn't I make this

the last call tonight,

man?

I'm really tired.

This sounds good.

I gotta go to work

in the morning,

so I gotta leave

after this call.

Let's wrap it up.

If you wanna go on

without me,

I understand.

Okay.

The dead will be

real happy.

We're friends.

You're friends on MySpace now. You guys are boys.

Yeah, we are. We're gonna talk shit about you.

Alright, well it's Saturday, so I guess I'll play.

Yeah, Brock Lesnar.

Yeah, you guys on Mamalohoma?

Yeah, we're on Mamalohoma Street, a real highway.

Oh, that's hot.

What is so funny?

Yeah, I think you're the boner.

Girl, what's so funny?

What's that?

Girl, what's so funny?

Because I couldn't really say it.

Say it again, though, for me. Say it slow.

Little sore, little sore, little sore in that.

Little sore.

Come on, dude, give me that sexy voice of yours.

What's that?

Give me that sexy voice of yours and say it.

Oh, my gosh.

Come on, come on, you can do it, you can do it.

Come on, do it real quick for me.

So, are you going to ask me a question about Bluffisters?

Yeah, well, no, the thing is I got this account, but I'm back from New York and stuff, you know?

Mm-hmm.

Connecticut, to be exact.

Am I going to be able to rent still?

I'm here on vacation right now.

Yeah, you'll still be able to rent.

They'll just add you to their database.

Oh, you're all going to dad me up and stuff?

Oh, my God.

I don't understand you.

Well, how much is the rentals up here?

It's $4.98.

$4.98?

Mm-hmm.

It's like $3.92 back there in the States.

Oh, wow.

No, seriously.

I think our DVDs, I mean, our VHSes are about that price.

I don't want to talk.

I don't want to know VHS.

I got a DVD player, you know?

Yeah, so the DVD player is like, yeah, a DVD is $4.98 with pass.

Okay.

Now, I got a problem, though.

They got this DVD, right?

Mm-hmm.

I can't rewind it.

You know what I mean?

I keep hitting rewind on it, and it just keeps start playing it again.

It doesn't go back, you know.

I press it like five times.

That's okay.

It's all right.

How do I rewind this shit, though?

We'll rewind it anyway.

Okay, but then this other problem, I swear to God,

I didn't do this, but this is a hole in the middle of the movie

I swear to God I didn't put it there and I put it in the player and it plays us fine

But I'm I mean y'all not gonna kind of charge me for that right? I didn't put this hole in it

Hey, I'm a la hoa. There's a hole in the movie. You're all gonna try charge me for the hole in the movie

Like I broke it. Oh

There's a whole thing somebody else well

We'll just put it as defective anyway, but it's right in the middle of it, but it's still working

You know, it's like a circle right in the middle dead center like a target. I mean, no, not really

I'm nice to bring it in girl. How old are you? I'm only 19. You're only 19. Yeah. All right, you sound pretty hot though

Okay, I have to go. Was there anything else? Just keep talking to me. I'm almost there

Okay, I'm gonna go no, no, but I'm almost there

I didn't close Eddie

Keep talking

Oh, God.

Oh, my homeboy says you can't go home.

Get the fuck out of my head.

Andy, I'm tired.

I messed up.

You got to go, too, right?

You got to go to work?

Yeah, I got to work.

Okay.

Andy, anything you want to say before we head out here?

No, just that, uh, I don't know.

Great.

MySpace.com forward slash AppleSea79.

Everybody, you know, I don't want a bunch of dudes being my friends.

You know, if you know some hot chicks, send them to my page and tell them to be friendly.

Yeah.

Do that shit.

Definitely.

Do that shit, everybody.

That's the good shit.

Visit us at madhouselive.com.

Tomorrow, Jupe will not be on.

What, really?

He's going to be in Florida, apparently.

He's going to be here in Florida.

He's not looking us up.

Fort Lauderdale.

I don't know what the fuck.

If he was around here, we'd molest him.

His brother's getting married.

Yeah, exactly.

We wouldn't molest him, but he's not going to be here.

Hey, Jupe, we're going to molest you.

He's too good for us, brother.

Dead wants to be a webcam of your private parts.

Oh, fuck him.

He's a little faggot.

He's a faggot.

Joop normally on tomorrow with Madhouse with Monkey Phone.

Not going to be on tomorrow.

We'll have KDK, though, at 10 p.m.

KDK's Lunatic Fringe.

Be sure to listen to that.

Monday nights, you can hear nothing.

Who's on Monday nights?

Nobody.

Tuesday nights is K-Bone's Crazy Talk.

Wednesday nights, KDK occasionally does a show.

Be sure to hear for that.

10 p.m. Eastern.

Thursday nights is our normal night here.

10 p.m. Eastern, we do the Madhouse.

Me, Andy, and nobody else.

Sure.

Y'all.

Y'all join us.

Everybody should be here for that.

Yeah, and Friday nights, you can catch us up on...

Somebody's going to be on, either me or Lego,

will be on Friday night, 10 p.m. Eastern or earlier.

So check that out.

Saigon says it's too early to end the show.

He's a faggot anyway.

Everybody hates him.

Nobody cares what you think, Saigon.

My show anyway.

You won't even call in because you're a fuckhead.

If you called in, we talked to you.

If Saigon calls in, I'll go on until 1.30.

But you won't because you're a fuckbitch.

I'll go for another half hour, as long as he calls in.

You're a fuckrager, and you suck cock.

And I closed the chat room, so I have no idea what anybody's saying.

I'm sorry.

Great.

Fuck it.

Let's go.

All right, everybody.

Thanks for listening.

Thanks to everybody who called in.

Thank you all for listening.

We just out three hours, and it's a shame.

What the fuck is this?

Oh, God.

Man, you're gay, man.

Herbert, you don't know who you is, man.

Who the fuck is this?

Who the fuck is Herbert?

He don't know who I am.

He's a motherfucker like me.

Yeah, he's scaring me.

I don't know.

He get my number.

I got your dirty laundry.

I got your dirty laundry over here.

Dude, who is this?

Hold on.

On my face.

I don't want to have to know what I'm saying.

Nobody else in my house.

I fucked up on one person right here, and that fucker's up in the red.

Can't stay in your car.

You like listening to me on the phone?

Yeah.

Calling me from block number.

I ain't no block number.

What you need to do is hang up.

I heard your whole conversation.

Don't make me call the police.

What kind of police is this?

Yeah, you know what's up.

Yeah, I got you.

I'm going to blackmail you.

Oh, I'm so scared.

Jive turkey ass motherfucker, what's your problem now?

Jive turkey, you bitch.

You didn't hear, boy.

You jive turkey motherfucker.

Who the fuck is that?

What do you mean?

Man, you can show me a place where I'm about to come whoop some motherfuckers ass

Cause I don't even know who the fuck you talking about

How much you gonna charge you guys?

Pick somebody up over here to attack the cab

Man, this ain't no motherfucking cab

I don't tell them to fucking pick somebody up

I don't whoop their goddamn ass

I kick their ass and call them a bitch

And your dog damn mother

What?

Your mother

You motherfucking nigga

How you like that?

You piece of shit

I know

Calls (16, 46 min of 2 h 26 min)

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