2006-05-05 Show

today is thursday god which one

oh perhaps not when he decides to announce the law see his man they'll knock him up

we're at the republic my friend this could be the best thing that ever happened

those who believe life here began out there across the universe tribes of humans may have

been the forefathers of the Egyptians, Baltics, or the Mayans. That they may have been the

architects of the Great Pyramids, lost civilizations of Lemuria or Atlantis. Some believe that there

may yet be brothers of man who even now fight to survive somewhere beyond the heavens. There

will be no order, only chaos. That being said, grab a blunt, pick a big hit, sit back, and enjoy

Boeing is an exclusive of PCU Radio and MadHouseLive.com.

um won't you shut the hell won't you shut the hell up maybe he's only a little crazy

like painters or composers or or some of those men in washington

you son of a bitch speak english america yeah you son of a bitch you mother fucking you

mother fucking you mother fucking you mother fucking you you bitch don't never

I'll punch you in the mouth!

Mow my lawn!

Why are you so angry?

Fuck you, man!

Good evening, everybody. That's too much applause.

I think that's about right.

Yeah, it is about right.

That's right, hey everybody, we're back

We're back, two weeks later

No, not two weeks, because we were on the 21st

Yeah, we were on the week before this

Yeah, nine days later

Now 13 days ago we did a show

And here we're back

The Madhouse is back, we missed you guys last week

We're sorry, but we're back in full effect

With me here is Andy, what's up Andy, how you doing?

I'm good, how you doing buddy?

Not bad, good to have you here, thank you for coming in

And tonight we're going to do a show

We're going to do a Madhouse

We're going to do something, we're going to do prank calls

Calls.

We've got numbers to call.

We've got people to do and shit.

I don't know what I'm talking about, but we're going to do something here tonight.

I'll be honest with you.

I probably won't do too late of a show tonight because I've got to fly out tomorrow.

I've got a flight to catch at 8 a.m.

I've got to wake up at 5, and that's cutting it short because I haven't even packed yet.

Hopefully, I don't want to miss my flight.

I've never missed a plane flight in my life.

I don't want to worry about it.

You're not checking anything in.

You're just going on a plane.

No, I've got to have one bag.

Yeah, but you're bringing that with you, right?

You're not going to check it in.

Yeah, I'm not going to.

Well, I have a carry-on now.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

You're going to check in one bag and that's it?

Yeah, yeah.

We'll just carry it on with you.

I can't.

I can't carry it in that bag.

It's too big.

The luggage I have is too big.

Why don't you just bring a backpack?

I don't do that because then they're going to go through my stuff.

Every time I get pulled aside and they x-ray my shit and they open it up, they're going

to have my underwear all flying everywhere.

That's what happens when you have inter-indistinct origin.

I guess, yeah.

When I see, his first name is Carlos, his last name is, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Wait a minute here.

Yeah.

And then, yeah.

Yeah, then it's all screwed up.

They know something's wrong, right?

Your names don't match up.

Yeah, they pull me aside right there.

Yeah, and that's why there hasn't been another 9-11, because people are like, you get searched.

I'm another Zacharias Masawi.

They wave me right through.

Yeah, Zacharias Masawi got a 23-hour lockdown for the rest of his life, and that's some shit.

Yeah.

Do you think it's better off him not to be martyred?

I mean, does anybody...

Yeah, it's better for us to just lock him away for the rest of his life and let him die of natural causes in jail.

Keep him quiet.

Yeah, well, I mean...

I think it's a bunch of bull...

I don't think he, I think it was a wannabe Al Qaeda, but I don't think he was.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, he wasn't as into it as he said he was.

Yeah, he's an Al Qaeda flunker.

Like, he knew, like, you gotta come to a point where you know that, you know, you're pretty

much the only guy who's gonna go down for something.

Yeah.

You know, just say it was all you and you did it all and everything.

I mean, like, why bother?

I mean, if you know, he knew, you know, he's never gonna be free man, you know, right?

Yeah.

So, I would say, you know, yeah, I did that, and then I would take credit for other shit

too.

Might as well.

Yeah, I'd be like, I stole the Hope Diamond.

The Hope Diamond?

Yeah, I killed the Lindbergh baby.

The Lindbergh baby.

I'm the Lindbergh baby.

Oh, that's Abraham Simpson's name was the Lindbergh baby, right?

Yeah, he knew.

He knew he ain't never getting out, so he just...

Fuck it.

Might as well go out looking for him.

And then also, I heard they had, like, shot collars on him during the trial and shit like that.

Nuno knows my surname, as they call him in Britain.

It's my last name.

He knows it.

This guy's insane.

How do you know that?

He's got a rondo.

He's got my family's name.

he's got my family's he hasn't found me yet he's gotten close oh he's got your family's phone

number in our hometown yeah yeah no he sent it to me he's like is this you and your address and

your name i was like yeah that's my name but that's my dad's actually because you have the

my dad's he's got my parents address we have the same name so he's gotten close but he hasn't

found me exactly i i challenge anybody to post my address no one can why i'm untouchable i can

You're probably doing it.

You can't.

You're sitting right here.

Let me go outside.

I actually have no clue what you're addressing there.

The Ferris isn't really Japanese.

No, that's Milkman.

He's really half Japanese.

Yeah, he's a moray.

Yeah.

He's a fucking islander.

That was a moray.

He's got a little canoe and he island hops.

Yeah, he's got a, what's it called?

What's that shit that they call the one with the, it's like a canoe but it's got this

big thing that comes out the side.

A dugout?

No.

Is that what it is?

How's that a dugout?

A skiff.

I don't know.

A digger?

I don't know.

I'm going to ride my skiff.

My skiff.

Wow.

We miss Milkman here, don't we?

Yeah.

Poor Milkman.

He'll come back one day, maybe.

My cat jumped off my skiff.

You know, Milkman had this plan the other day.

He called me.

He's like, yeah, I got this wire I bought for $15.

I'm going to hook it up to my cell phone and plug it to my computer and connect that way.

I'm like, man, that's going to sound like shit.

You're not going to, that's not going to work.

Are you crazy, man?

Yeah, I think it'll work.

He's desperate.

I feel bad for the guy.

I hope he comes back one day.

Well, if his computer's working.

He needs an internet connection.

Well, why was he going to plug his, oh, he was going to try to use his cell phone to go on the internet?

Yeah, like a dial-up to his cell phone.

That's not going to work at all.

That guy's dumb.

Here's Milkman right here for you.

That's a new sound effect I got for the show.

I hope you like that one, everybody.

So you can reach us here toll-free tonight if you want to call and shoot the shit.

And maybe do a prank call or two with us.

you can do so by calling our toll-free line, 1-888-278-8509.

Again, our toll-free line is 1-888-278-8509.

I don't even know if it's on right now.

So try calling.

If it's busy, then tell me or something.

Maybe I'll turn it on for you.

If you're using AOL Instant Messenger, you can reach us at Madhouse Radio.

Again, AOL users, Madhouse Radio.

Send us your comments, requests, and suggestions for prank calls or otherwise.

You can also hit us up on Yahoo Messenger, MadhousePCURadio.

And if you're using MSN Messenger, MadhousePCURadio at Hotmail.com.

You can also email us here, direct delivery to the Madhouse email bag.

That's MadhouseRadio at Gmail.com.

That's instant delivery to me.

So if you have a prank call request, if you don't have access to an instant messaging software device thing or whatever,

then just email your request.

What we ask, if you want us to prank call somebody for you, we don't charge you for that.

We don't ask for any favors.

Wait, could we?

We could.

I'm going to guess some people, like Blackout, will charge you.

He's got something where you pay him a dollar and he'll do your prank call.

Like, fuck that guy, man.

A dollar.

Son of a bitch.

Stupid cock.

Did you know this one time, he had some contest.

He was giving away a $15 gift certificate to Amazon.com to the 10th caller.

And, like, for three hours, nobody was calling or something like that.

So I called in as a 10th caller, and he's like, yeah, you were.

I was like, yeah, I don't really want it.

I was like, just take it out.

I told him to shove it.

I didn't want it.

You're going to buy the DVD.

For $10 off of Amazon.com?

Oh, I think it's $15.

I don't remember.

$10, $15, some shit.

I don't know.

Ooh, Swarthmore.

That's somewhere I want to live.

Take the first caller of the night.

I didn't even know the Toffee Mountain was open.

Yeah, you opened it.

Now I'm on.

Where the fuck's my...

It's black.

It's camouflage.

Hang on.

You're on the air.

Go ahead.

How you doing there, Jupe?

I'm doing fabulous.

And you?

Not bad.

Better than me, even.

I'm not better than you.

I still thought I heard you.

So what happened?

You got a...

Andy, Joop got a prank call.

His mom got a prank call from Florida.

Was that you?

Yeah.

I did that.

Actually, I was just trying to call her, ask her out, but she shot me down, so I got offensive.

Oh, dude, you got me in so much fucking trouble.

Yeah, I was like, hey, Joop's mom, I'm going to peel it back.

And, uh, you want more kids?

And then I was like, if you say no, I'll push you down the stairs.

Right?

That's what you're talking about?

Remember that?

Dude, she had cops.

at my house, like, are you the one who said, oh, I need a, he owes me $150.

Yeah, I said, if you didn't give me $150, I was going to shave your legs, and I was

going to take all the pubic hair off your body, and make a, um, a, uh, a doll out of

it, and put, um, needles in it, and then burn the doll, and then you would die.

Yeah.

Is that, that's the call you're talking about?

Yeah, and, and it got me in so much trouble, and now she's on my ass about all the prank

calls and stuff.

I told her you need to study more, too.

I was like, Joop doesn't study enough.

You don't study enough, Joop, and I'm concerned about that.

His grades are suffering, and we bet

$150 that he would

fail a test, and he did.

What are you talking about? I do good in school.

She said,

my son has a learning disability, and

I don't think it's right for you to take advantage of that

by betting him, and that he's retarded.

And then I said, um...

That never happened.

Wait a minute, this is a prank call?

She probably didn't get that pissed about that one.

There's probably another.

Someone else did it, too.

You know who lives in Florida?

Yeah, I was thinking.

That's who it was.

He's in Spring Hill right now.

He said that M-Fuck came out of Orlando.

Shit, you serious?

That wasn't me.

Well, what's the phone number?

His name was like James.

He's down here.

He's like big.

Pastor Moody, yeah.

He runs the Central Christian Church.

Did he call and did he say that you pledged $150 to his church and that you didn't pay it to your mother?

What got her scared is that they said they were going to hunt her down, and she had cops come over here and search my house.

Search my house!

The phone call is coming from inside your house, Mrs. Jupe.

Your mom doesn't sound too bright if she actually thought there was someone in your house.

She didn't think there was someone in my house. She thought there was $150 worth of pot in my house.

Oh.

They said you owed them $150. You had $150 worth of pot.

See, I would have said coke or crack or something like that.

So your mom was going to have the cops search you?

She was going to narc you out.

She was going to narc you out, man.

What's up with that, Jupe?

You got to, you got to, Jupe, you got to beat her up.

You need to, you need to put one of the, you need to put a pill in her head.

Do the drugs, though.

Why not?

Weed's not a drug.

Why not, Jupe?

Well, because, you know, I've got to keep up with my studies.

Oh, you're a nerd.

Oh, man, fuck studies, man.

Hey, hey, I'm not a nerd.

Now's the time to, if you're going to, if you're going to fuck up, Jupe, now's the time, man.

You know, if I was under 18, you can get into fights, you don't get arrested.

Yeah, I got in a lot of fights.

Yeah, you get fights at school, not get arrested.

You know, if you got an F, big deal, it's just high school.

I get in fights, I get...

You can't fight.

I get an F.

You get beat up.

I think you just said you did good at school.

I didn't get beat up, no.

Okay, I didn't say that.

I beat him up.

I heard that they tied your balls and are not.

Your mom was really mad about that.

That would hurt.

Yeah, so Juke, man, seriously, it wasn't us.

It wasn't Andy.

It wasn't me

I've been out of the loop

I don't know what's been

I follow the forums from work

I work once a day

I jump in

Didn't we talk to someone

Last week

Like two weeks ago

Who was from Orlando

It was in Longwood

Yeah that's who it was

Whoever that kid was

Yeah maybe

Shoot you gotta go

And listen to the old shows

And then find out that kid

We were talking to him

About you know

Being from Orlando

Yeah madhouselife.com

I put all the

Episodes

We're caught up

Thanks to

Oh shit I forgot his name

anti-drug

anti-drug in the chat room

hook this up

also known as BMX writers on Yahoo

anti-drug has been archiving our shows for us

and I've got I think 4 or 5 episodes on there

from the month of April

all the shows from the month of April are up on the website

check that out man

whoever's doing this

this is a message to you

you're making it really

fucking hard for me to do my show

did your mom put you on restriction

It's not bad, but she's always down here doing laundry.

Why do you guys have so much laundry?

How much clothes do you guys go after?

You've got to quit shitting your pants so she can stay.

I've got to hand wash these underwears.

I'm trying to do my show.

That's what happens.

Is that what happens, Joop?

Yeah, you've got to start beating off into a paper towel instead of just putting it back in your pants.

That way you don't got jizz shorts.

Piper towel hurts.

You gotta use a tissue for that, man.

Or a tissue.

A sock.

Just keep one sock.

If your mom's paying for it, tissue, dog.

Who jacks off into a sock?

I never have.

That's uncomfortable as hell.

A lot of people do.

A lot of people do that.

I've never done that.

I've heard of it before.

Yeah, I've heard of that.

You've never heard of that, Jewel?

Love sock?

I've heard of it, but it's really weird.

That is weird.

What do you use?

Like some sandpaper?

Yeah.

You know what I use?

I use tinfoil.

I use bottles.

I use tinfoil because there's no spray agent and, like...

Oh, that's sick.

Tinfoil.

And then I nail it to the wall.

It's like artwork.

Do you say C-3PO while you do it with tinfoil?

No, I think about R2-D2.

R2-D2, okay, that's right.

C-3PO's not hot at all.

He's gay.

R2-D2, whatever, R2-D2, I always thought he was a girl.

He's squeaking like a bitch.

Yeah, I'm the British bastard.

Anyway, so, Joop, man, how was your show?

I've been out of the loop.

I haven't heard nothing for the last, like, two weeks.

i've been busy i just haven't been around blood sugar is bad my show this week was really bad

like this saturday because i didn't fucking feel like doing it because my mom was home

and bothering me the whole time damn i can't get these skin marks on your underpants

hey cut that out i'm trying to speak don't interrupt me i'm sorry excuse us okay and

the only reason i was able to do a show this late tonight because she wasn't home

Joop, you got $150 worth of pot. I want it to taste. I want it to taste, Joop.

Joop, Joop, Joop, Joop.

So did they search your room? Did they find it? Like, you didn't have anything, like, did they find your porno stash or anything like that?

No.

No? I bet they did.

They didn't.

You gotta watch out, man. Get some anti-prank call cops in there and they'll bust us all, man.

Joop, what are all these chins with dick magazines? Can you cut that shit out, cracker?

Cracker?

With Juice Moms, Juice Moms Blackout?

Juice Moms Blackout, that's what I've been hitting at.

I hate you because you came out white.

Anyway, Jupe.

Here's you, motherfucker.

Jupe, how'd your show go?

Seriously, I didn't get to hear it, Jupe.

You're slandering my good name.

No, nobody knows who you are, except for the guy who called your house and talked to your mother.

That wasn't us.

Was that you?

No.

It was us, it wasn't us.

It wasn't me, dude.

How do you make phone calls on this show?

I'm not going to sit at my house when I'm not here.

What time did it happen?

We'll narrow it down.

It happened at like nine in the morning.

Yeah, I'm asleep, dude.

I don't work or anything dude

I'm asleep

I'm gonna work at that time

I didn't do any more

It wasn't us

Nope

I wake up at around

10.30

And then I

I tan

For the next 3 or 4 hours

What is up with you

And the tanning man

I don't know

This is so weird

I have no idea

So I also know what

Tanning all the time

I'm a big fat

Tan blob now

Whatever

It's crazy

Jupe you're probably

Real pale huh

No no

Wish my hockey son

Would get

My hockey son

Would get some sun

Hey Jupe

I'm gonna be in

Allentown Pennsylvania

Tomorrow morning actually

I'm flying in

You should go meet him.

Oh, that's like two seconds from him.

Oh, yeah, dude, yeah, we should hang out, get some beer.

Dude, you should set up a meeting with him and then tell the police that you're meeting with a gay guy you met online.

Yeah, perfect, yeah, do that.

Like, if I hadn't told that right here, that would be the ultimate prank.

Yeah, it would.

You could go on the show and be like, look at Carlito arrested.

I told the police he was a gay guy.

He's trying to hook up with me, and I'm like, rage.

They take one look at Carlito, and they rock him right on.

They'd be like, man, he's up to something.

Carlito will be making an appearance at the Allentown Airport tomorrow morning, Jupe.

I expect you to be there to receive me.

Mm-hmm.

Well, you know how...

He'd bring a blunt, Jupe.

Oh, yeah.

And I don't need to be there, huh?

No, I said I'd expect you to be there, man.

That's what I said.

I don't need to be at school is what I'm saying.

Oh, school?

Man, now's the time to skip.

It's the end of the year.

You're flunking out anyway.

Tomorrow's Friday anyway.

It's like, you know, one day.

Are you a senior yet, or what grade are you in?

He's a freshman.

I'm a freshman.

Damn.

That must suck.

You're in high school.

Are you cool at least, Jupe?

Everybody fucking loves me.

Yeah, I bet.

I'm a kid and I'm like, I don't do drugs, man.

I'm just a normal guy.

Yeah, you sound real normal.

Do you like to get to know me?

No.

And then they're all weirded out.

Why?

You sound like a normal kid to me.

You don't sound...

Yeah.

Juke's a good kid.

I like Juke, man.

He's a funny guy.

Hilarious, man.

I mean, Juke himself is a funny guy.

Him and his brother.

The other one.

Who's his brother?

Not Juke.

Is your brother older than you or younger than you, Juke?

No, we're twins.

It's crazy.

The tweens.

I just like twins.

Yeah.

When I was a pot smoker, that was my drug deal right there.

Oh, yeah, the twins, yeah.

They were great.

One had, like, a Hitler mustache, and the other one was clean-shaven.

That's what they did.

Yeah, that's the only way you could tell them apart.

And they were, like, super wiggers.

They were great.

Yeah, buddy.

So, Jube, you want to do a prank call?

I got some numbers here.

Or are you prank called after?

I'm good.

I just wanted to call in to warn whoever.

Pimp slot.

Oh, yeah, I called the person back and left a really threatening message in which I told

them I was going to kill them and their whole family.

I'm gonna kill you and your whole family

I'm good at your children

Because of my deep manly voice

You sound real manly

Well Mike Tyson

He'll eat your children

Yeah exactly

He aspires to be that deep voice one day

Yeah Mike Tyson that's another story

From another time

So man fuck that

If you find an address seriously

You should give us the number

And we'll call him tonight

Yeah, hell yeah, we'll call him and we'll...

Fuck, I'll give you it right now.

Yeah, send that shit.

Call us the number on...

Get it out on the air so it's bitchin'.

No, no, dude, don't...

Yeah, let's call it first.

We want to call it.

Yeah, give it on the IM.

Yeah, give us one call and we'll fuck with it.

Where is it?

Yeah.

All right.

Find that shit right now.

Do that shit.

Fuck.

He curses a lot for a little boy.

It should be on my fridge.

I curse a lot.

It's on the fridge.

Let me...

Your mom posted it.

Let me go through this shit so I can get revenge on people who have done wrong to me.

Have wronged, yeah.

It's right next to the drawing, Joop made of Barney the Dinosaur.

Yeah, yeah.

From the third gram from last week.

You got a B.

15-year-olds do, right?

No, I said this back in the day.

I can draw Barney.

What's wrong with that?

Why are you doing it, actually, at the same time?

Nothing wrong with that.

Okay, here we go.

Okay.

All right, here we go.

You should IM it to us.

Do you have your computer?

He said his computer.

Yeah, I have it.

Do that.

But I want to give this show in the air first.

We don't want you to do that.

Please call these dudes who have been calling me incessantly for the past couple of weeks.

Okay.

Doing really bad prank calls, except for that one, which is actually quite good.

Did your mom tape it?

Did your mom tape her phone call?

Your mom should tape the prank.

Hello, this is your mom. What you want, fool?

Just like that.

My mom's white.

Oh.

Okay, here we go. James Moody.

Moody.

Three, two, oh, fuck it.

Three, two, one.

Hello.

Do you hang up?

Jupe, are you there?

What the fuck's that all about?

What's wrong with Juke, man?

Whatever, man.

Juke's weird.

Juke's going through some changes or something.

Oh, I can't be worried.

Oh, no.

Oh, I just had a hairspray on my balls.

Juke, everybody.

I don't know what that was all about.

He's under a lot of pressure.

It's the finals.

That must be what it is.

They make fun of me because I'm tanning.

Yeah, they say, these guys, I don't tan.

Fuck tanning, man.

I don't want that shit.

I got natural tan.

Not really.

Yeah, I want to go out there for, like, maybe, like, 45 minutes at a time.

So, I'm perfectly safe.

Yeah.

I don't know, man.

That's weird.

Have you ever seen, like, those old women who got that...

They're so...

They tan every day and they got, like, neck is just, like, bacon looking.

Yeah.

Kind of toasty.

That fucked up.

You know those bitches got...

I get so hungry.

Yeah.

I get so hungry.

Let me chew on your neck.

Let me chew on your bacon neck.

Let me chew on your bacon neck, baby.

Let me call Jupe's mom and then chew on your bacon neck.

Yeah, so...

That was Jupe, everybody.

Who won't give us the phone number now?

I don't know.

Well, tell New Noodle to look it up for us.

We got James Moody, and then we got the area code.

Oh, okay, he sent it to us.

Oh, he hit in and said to call already, okay.

Joop's under a lot of pressure.

James Moody, that's fucked up, man.

The fuck is wrong with that guy?

We should look, see if we can find out where he lives online.

Dad, dad, gum, son of a bitch.

Let's call him up.

Let's call him up right now.

We don't fuck with Samoans around here,

because they're like the better athletes than the blacks.

Moody's in a Samoan name.

I know, that's what Joop would say.

Yeah, I guess so.

I used to call him a son of a bitch

Samoan bitch

God damn Samoan

That's Milkman right there

Yeah Milkman

Twisted the head off a cow last week

So I don't fuck with him

Let's call this guy for juke then

Sweet

What song can we play here for this?

What's that one song

You always want me to play?

Riding Dirty

Is it even on here?

I don't ride dirty anymore

Me neither

Five days man

Wow

Yeah

Two months for me

Yeah

Who's gonna lapse for us

You or me?

You

Yeah

I guess so

Probably tomorrow

If I made it two months, I probably will never do it again.

I said that.

I went five months, and then all it took was one girlfriend to leave me.

I was like, oh, I want some weed, and that was it.

But you're a weak non-Aryan.

Weak non-Aryan.

Thank you.

All right, we'll be right back.

We're going to get some payback.

Let's see if we can talk to this James Moody guy.

We'll be right back, folks.

Oh, no, punch me.

Oh, God.

Fire.

Fire!

Did he answer, or did someone say hello?

No, I said fire.

Hello, this is the voicemail of Christian Mowdy.

Please leave a message up in the beep. Thank you.

Hey, kid. This is Carlito.

I was wondering if you could maybe give us a call here.

At your earliest convenience, we need to talk to you.

What's the number here? 888-278-8509.

Please call me back here. 888-278-8509. Thank you very much.

Oh, we tried.

Christian Academy?

He said he's Christian.

Sounds like he's about 13.

I thought he said something Christian Academy.

Did he say it in the...

Oh, he said you've reached Christian...

Did he say his last name?

I thought he said Christian...

This is the West...

I heard Westminster Christian Academy.

Westminster Christian Academy?

That's what I heard.

Remember that?

My hearing sucks, though, so I admit that.

Well, we tried to get him for you, Jupe, but it didn't work out.

And Jupe's already given his number out, so that's probably what's going on.

He's probably very busy right now.

Yeah, he's probably...

Someone called him before us.

Yeah.

Okay, so we're back.

Who can we call?

Let's see what Lonesome Loser sent.

Now, Lonesome Loser was telling me something about these people who have live webcams with phone numbers.

I don't know what that's all about.

But apparently they've been prank calling these people all week.

Like I said, I have been out of the loop lately, so I don't know what's been going on at PCU.

I guess the thing is we could watch them on the webcam as we mess with them on the phone.

I guess.

That's exciting.

Are we on HitCity?

I don't even know if we're on HitCity tonight.

Well, check the stream.

Let's pull the stream up.

It looks like no one's left it, so I imagine we are.

We're not on Hip City

Let's see, I forgot

It's probably Nick Cannon

We've been dissed

He said he was going to put us on tonight, that bastard

You should send him an email

Nobody listen to Hip City

You should probably sleep

He was pissed last week

I was too, I had my shoes on

and everything

You made me bend over and tie my shoes

And then you call me like, oh, man, my blood sugar's messed up and my car's not working

and I'm not sleeping right and I don't feel good.

I just said I didn't want to do a show.

I didn't want to do a show.

You said all those things.

Whenever someone, and this is something general so all you kids can learn, whenever someone

gives you a ton of excuses at once, you know, they're lying.

Really?

Yeah, you got a point.

And whenever they keep on making up excuses, there's something else going on.

Any show?

Mm-hmm.

Maybe.

Maybe I was busy.

Yeah.

Maybe I just didn't want to do a show that night.

Yeah, I know you could have just said that.

I could have just said that.

No, but seriously, I didn't feel good.

That's one of the reasons I didn't.

Well, you're hanging out at your mom's house again all the time.

My car was fucked up.

I was out there.

It was 26 years old, and they hang out.

They go from work to their mom's house.

I had to get my car fixed.

That's why.

Yeah, mom.

Whatever.

I had to put my head in your bosom.

That is nasty, man.

There's no head in my mom's bosom.

No head in your bosom.

Not me or anybody else.

Nothing like that.

So, yeah.

So, apparently, there's something going on with webcams and PC.

I don't know what the hell.

That's the new hotness.

The new hotness.

It's called the web.

Here, we got Robbie O'Connell's Pub.

It's a live webcam link.

And they're up at Daytona Beach.

See, I want to go drink at a pub with a live webcam.

Because I think that's fucked up.

Yo, the Hogsbrussel.

I've been to the Hogsbrussel in Key West.

That's like a biker bar.

You get your ass beat there.

Yeah.

They got those.

People got those shirts.

You ever see those shirts?

Yes.

Yeah.

Have you?

Anyone talking about it?

I know you're talking about it.

You see that shirt?

Yeah.

I've been to the Keys way more than you, man.

My grandparents used to have

A condo there

You showed me

Look at the auto response

Check out the website

Whatever man

Hit city, kiss my ass

We're on PCU Radio

Prank Call Underground Radio

And you can visit the homepage for Prank Call Underground Radio

At kdkprankcalls.com

KDK as in kill, death, kill

KDKprankcalls.com

You can also visit the homepage for the Madhouse at madhouselive.com.

As I mentioned before, you can check out our episodes of the entire month of April.

They are updated there now.

So go there now.

Download them.

Listen to them if you haven't.

They're broken down into segments if you don't want to download a huge file.

I recommend putting them on your iPod.

Yeah, put them on your iPod.

When you walk around, you have a big smile on your face.

And you tell people you just shit your pants.

I just dropped a load of my pants.

I'm smiling because I'm relieved.

I just said, oh, yo, what movie is that from?

You know what I'm talking about?

I don't know.

Some black exploitation movie.

Okay, because that guy knows who did it.

Who does?

I know who did it.

P.M.E.

Oh, the aliens, of course.

Oh, yeah.

The aliens did it.

BMR, he's in Florida, too, isn't he?

That one Puerto Rican dude.

No, that's not the dude.

I think he knows who did it, probably.

I don't know.

Something's going on.

Something, I don't like it.

I don't like it, man.

Yeah, I'm like, hey, we got to play this crazy-ass black preacher who's angry and stuff.

Remember that guy?

Yeah.

I forget who sent this to me.

I think it was Brandon Ramirez or whatever his cast name is, but I think I got rid of it.

Son of a bitch.

That Pastor of Truth or something like that, you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, I watched that.

It was pretty good.

Yeah, I need to isolate some of this audio for the soundboard.

Are you going to make a soundboard call?

No, but I want to play him at the end.

But apparently he gets prank called at the end.

Some guy says he's Satan or something.

This is some ghetto black guy who apparently is some kind of preacher or something like that.

And it's off of E-Bombs World.

I'm going to post a link to it right now.

If you want to...

Get it again, okay, I'm gonna say it again

I come in the name of Jesus

Repeat it after me, bitch

I come in the name of Jesus

By the power of the Holy Spirit

God Almighty, you know

Rule of heaven and earth

And every goddamn thing in between

You understand me now?

Say what?

You trust in the devil, huh?

Well, God send the devil

In the name of Jesus

By the power of the Holy Spirit

You motherfucker, you fucked up, huh?

You fucked up, huh?

You know your ass is doomed

What you got to speak?

If you don't know shit to speak on this topic I'm bringing up

Shut your goddamn ass up

Hell

You trust in hell, motherfucker

And you already in hell

Just like I trust in heaven and I'm already there, motherfucker

You the one gonna

You believe in death, huh?

Goddamn murderer

You can find my blessings, brother

But when I find them, I'm gonna get them, motherfucker

They be the one that's always laying low

Talking more than a fucking fucking boy

Who created your ad?

I come in the name of Jesus.

See, watch.

Apparently, he's being pranked called live by some guy.

Listen closely.

Oh, shit.

It's outside your window.

Yeah, it's live out there.

Puerto Ricans start in trouble in the background.

Hey, you live in kind of a gangster neighborhood.

It's close.

It's a border ghetto.

Yeah, well, it's got like three or four more years, and then it's going to be pretty bad.

Yeah, we'll be out of here by then.

We'll move up to like, see you later, everybody.

that's a fire department

isn't it

yeah

it sounds cool though

all the time

you can hear

anyway

um

yeah this

apparently this guy

gets prank called

by some caller

I guess

who's talking like

saying if you listen

close you can hear

the satanic voice

in the background

and this guy

just goes off on him

listen to this

by the power of the

holy spirit

I come in the name

of Jesus by the power

of the holy spirit

the devil is a

motherfucking liar

so you know

I ain't worried

bitch

stupid bitch

look at that

I'm provoking that

huh

That I'm making motherfuckers. Just hate God more. I'm provoking that huh

You got them devil worship, but you ain't got no excuse motherfuckers you ain't you ain't coming in

No, you come in the name of Satan

I guess if you like a house nigga won't go competitive if I say I'm God that I guess you have to take the side

Of Satan no motherfucker

Not a it's not a competition is of cooperation stupid ass house nigga

I can't see you don't bitch you see me. I'm all I'm all

I made my ass very available.

What's a house nigger?

Like, you know, back in the slave days, the slaves who worked in the field resented the slaves who worked in the house.

Oh, so they had the cushy job.

Yeah, so they were the sellouts back then.

Oh, okay, okay.

I see, I see.

They had the easier they'd serve food.

Yeah, you didn't read Uncle Tom's Cabin in high school?

No, I read the biography of, who's the chick that ran the railroad?

road um popeye aunt jemima what's her name um man angelou no man angelou some some lady had

this underground railroad or something b arthur no i forget her name i'll remember some point

gladys gladys gladys g um yeah so i mean they get to steal food every once in a long suffer

they've worked in well no they would just you know they would take the you know the cream of

the crop and move them into the house like you know the half the you know the people who had

had, like, white blood in them.

So these are the ones that get fucked by the master and end up being a kid and stuff.

Yeah, and then they would poison each other.

Yeah.

A lot of poison going on.

Poison?

Yep.

Yeah.

That was like a quasi-verb.

That was a cat.

All right.

Harriet Tubman.

Thank you.

Harriet Tubman.

Who hooked us up with that?

B-M-R.

Harriet Tubman says, and he says, well, thank you very much for that.

Very nice of you.

Thank you, B-M-R.

Yeah, you're real smart.

Very nice of you to treat us so rudely.

And he says, retard.

R-E-T.

Double A-R-D.

It's spelled right.

Yeah, and you spelled Harriet wrong anyway, stupid.

Anyway, Florida from good times.

Yeah.

There you go.

I need these themes on the good times.

They had a good times marathon on, like, on two weeks ago.

I was watching it.

Is it on BET?

No, it was on, like, the Nickelodeon Extra Channel.

Oh, really?

They had good times on there?

Yeah, it was, like, rerun, wins a dance contest.

And, like, they ran into, like, you know, organized crime all the time.

It was, like, rerun gets robbed.

Was that Jimmy Walker?

Yeah, he was the fat guy.

Oh, no, no, no.

Jimmy Walker was in that, though, right?

I don't know.

No, that was a different show.

And then rerun.

Oh, no, I was thinking what's happening.

I'm sorry.

Oh, okay.

What's happening.

And then later on, what's happening now is part two of what's happening.

Really?

Well, Jimmy Walker was on Good Times.

That was the one with Esther Rowe.

And Janet Jackson.

She was from Orlando.

Janet Jackson was on that, too?

Yep.

Who was the dad in that?

Didn't he do something later on?

I don't know.

The dad in that was, I don't know.

He was Kunta Kinte.

um yeah i don't know whatever that's before my time i'm not that old yeah he was the older

yeah all right let's move on um i digress we that's our black history month two months later

two months later black history for your ass um let's see b bots on uh gmail is hitting us up

the rehab center confirmed at 10 or 9 p.m very good thank you for that uh and there's an old

people article he tells me to ask for donald pike or david algwin uh okay anyway let's see

according according to the como como seattle news a nursing home put resident smokers at risk

crossing the street in front of the birmington health and rehab center a group of elderly and

disabled cigarette lovers say washington's smoking ban has become extremely hazardous to their health

they limp shuffle and creep their wheelchairs into the road with no help one man nearly filled

So, what, they had to cross the street to smoke?

Probably.

Wow.

Sounds like it.

That's kind of rude.

Why can't they just smoke in front of the place?

What the fuck's that all about?

I guess they have to be, like, you know, it's probably, like, considered some kind of hospital

or something, so you gotta be, like, 50 yards away from it or some shit like that.

What the hell?

Alright, if residents like Donald Pike want to smoke, the center told them they have to

leave the property.

That's kind of rude.

Why don't you just quit smoking, old man?

What?

Old people smoke.

I guess, I mean, once you get to that age, I guess if you live that long, you do whatever

the hell you want, right?

I mean, what's the matter?

You're gonna die anyway

Why not just smoke

Smoke all the time

When I get old

I'm gonna shoot myself

Over heroin all the time

Yeah

And morphine

Apparently

So

Tuck is asking

What that prank calls

What that prank calls for

It was on E-bombs

Where I guess some guy

Had this

It looks like

Some ghetto ass black guy

Thought he was a preacher

But would curse all the time

Or something

He's like a

Like a crack

A crackhead preacher

You see his face

Like his hair

It's like shaved

He's got gray hair

His head is shaved

All the way

Back to his ears

And it goes

And he has a long-ass ponytail.

He looks like the bad guy from Kickboxer, except he's black.

He's got that kind of hair.

But we fight the ancient way.

How are the Cubs doing?

I don't know.

You got the wrong thing.

This one.

Okay.

What's this?

Cubs are playing tonight.

I see right there.

It's 4-0.

Right now, those are runs.

Oh, man.

They're losing again.

Wow.

It's Arizona.

That's like three in a row.

Wow, man.

That feels hard for the Cubs.

Yeah, a lot of injuries.

How are the White Sox doing, anyway?

They're playing pretty well.

I don't care about them.

It was a White Sox.

American League Basketball is for faggots.

American League Baseball, sorry.

This is for faggots.

American League Basketball.

How are the playoffs doing for basketball?

I haven't paid attention.

I don't pay attention to the finals.

It's too long.

It's like, they're not even going to be over until like late June.

Yeah, it takes too long.

It's bullshit.

Well, they extended the first round by a game now, too, right?

Yeah, it's a five.

It's best of seven now and shit.

It's too much.

It's from five to seven.

Yeah.

It's too much.

I don't know.

NBA.

I don't know.

Something about NBA just doesn't do it for me anymore.

It hasn't done it in a long time for me.

so yeah um anti-drugs joining the chat room speaking of the chat room if you go to uh kdk

prank calls.com you can join the chat room kdk prank calls.com hit the uh link for chat and

you can use a java client in your browser it's free of charge no worries there or if you're

using an irc client you can hit us up at irc.lazy-net.de you can also find links to the

chat room over at madhouselive.com and that's that how about some music before we continue

Yeah, you can play that song.

Okay.

Breast Saloon.

You gonna call the old place or what?

Yeah, let's call the old place.

Thanks, Andy.

Keep me on track.

You talk about something and you just get away from it.

Yeah, I lose it.

Let me get rid of this cigar.

Hey, blood sugar isn't right.

Yeah, that's what it is.

I've been drinking beer.

That's what it is.

Let's call this old people place here in Seattle.

Where it's what?

753 PM?

Mm-hmm.

It's early.

Hello?

Let's see if the phone line's working.

Health and Rehab, this is WQ.

How can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

Good afternoon.

I'm calling from R.J. Reynolds Company, and I have a question.

We'd like to see if we can possibly make a donation,

maybe perhaps set up a special room in your location there where people can smoke.

We heard about the news article, and there's a lot of people upset,

and we have a lot of people who are upset, I say.

A lot of people have donated marble miles, and we've got enough here.

I think we'd be able to build a special smoker's lounge inside your area there.

I'm sure you're aware of the issue with some of your residents having to cross the street

very dangerously to smoke cigarettes.

That was before.

What about now?

Now they have their own smoking down here.

I think that was just a month ago, but everything got changed.

Really? So you guys got a lot of bad press and everything's changed now then?

Yes.

So they're allowed to smoke their own property?

They're 25 feet away from this one.

It's still outside the facility, but it's inside the gate.

We want to bring them inside so they can be more comfortable, so they don't have to go outside.

They're inside. The gate is just around the facility, and inside of that is where the pops, I mean, the pops is where the soda machines and all that are.

When you come out that door, it's their smoking.

Okay.

So they figured everything out.

But there's not a fear of, like, avian flu or anything like that, maybe them catching kind of sickness out there?

Don't you think it might be healthier for them to be smoking inside?

You want me to transfer you to someone that can speak about that?

Sure.

Yeah, why not?

Can you hold on for a minute?

Sure, thank you.

Thank you for continuing to hold.

All right.

Tell me what happened to it.

Tell me about giving kayaks and...

And the singing bass.

Can we give them kayaks and other jackets and...

What is...

What a marble...

What can you get for marble miles?

We can get, like, tents and kayaks.

How can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

I'm calling from R.J. Reynolds Company,

and we've had a drive for people to donate their marble miles,

and we have a few kayaks and jackets,

leather jackets that have been donated,

and we actually put them on auction, and we believe we have enough to possibly set up a smoker's lounge

like in an airport inside your location.

We're concerned that the old people, originally the fear was that they would get run over by some kind of trucker

or something like that, or perhaps a maniacal person, or another old person who maybe shouldn't be driving anymore,

and I understand that you don't have them crossing the street anymore.

They're allowed to smoke on property but outside, right?

Correct.

Okay, well, we don't think that's safe because they could still get sick out there,

and they can be exposed to the harmful pollution,

which could harm their lungs if they're breathing it in while they're smoking cigarettes.

So we'd like to know if maybe we can set up a smoker's lounge in there with a widescreen TV,

maybe a few pool tables, a bar, and we'll donate free cigarettes to them also.

We'd love to go in there, be great press for you guys,

and we'd be happy to underwrite whatever you guys would like.

Your best bet is to call back tomorrow and speak with our administrator.

What's with the runaround, sir?

What do you mean, runaround?

Why don't you be a little bit more assertive and take charge of the situation?

Maybe just work a deal out with me right now.

I can cut you a check.

What are you talking about?

And you know what, dude?

I don't even know you.

Well, I'm with the secret.

You know what?

And you're trying to do business with us, correct?

You're trying to do something nice.

Your best bet is to talk to my administrator.

How am I giving you the runaround?

Well, you're giving me the runaround because you're passing the buck.

Just take charge.

No, you know what?

And I'll write you a nice check on the side.

I'm sure you smoke.

I'll send you a few cartons of Marlboro Lights and we're set.

I mean, the only industry bigger than us is big oil.

I mean, come on, we're the cigarette company, come on.

You know we can do this.

Listen, guy.

Guy.

Even if I were to say yes, it's not my place to say yes.

You just said it now, I got you on tape.

No, I speak to a higher power.

God?

I can't do that.

We own God.

This is a company.

You know, I work for a company, I work for a corporation.

I speak to a higher power.

I can't just say, oh, sure.

Well, we'll hire you, it's okay.

We're going to buy out the place we're naming at the R.J. Reynolds building anyway, so what's the big deal?

Yes, it's all done.

It's all here on paper.

I just need your approval, and we're going to set it to go.

I wish I could record this conversation.

I don't authorize you to record it.

That's all right.

I did not record it, but I wish I could have recorded it,

because you're not making no sense.

Well, you're not making any sense by passing the buck again.

Okay, well, you know what?

I think this conversation is over.

We'll talk to you later.

Okay.

Well, that was that.

Very concerned he is with his job.

He needs to be more assertive, Andy.

Yeah, I hope when Joop's mom gets old that he doesn't send her to that place.

He should.

I used to threaten my mom all the time when I was sending old folks home.

I was like, no, you're over my dead body.

You'll send me to an old folks home.

Your parents won't let that happen.

I'd rather die.

Yeah, she will.

Yeah.

So I'm concerned about them getting harm to their lungs from the pollution outside while they're smoking cigarettes.

Yeah.

You should have brought up Bigfoot.

Bigfoot.

Sasquatch.

I heard Sasquatch sightings are up 20% in that area.

Yeah, yeah.

You should really watch out.

Sasquatch smokes menthols.

Menthols.

Cool cigarettes.

Who smokes cool cigarettes?

I do when I get yacked up.

Cool.

Newports are better.

Yeah, actually, Newports.

I don't know.

Newports are harsh, though, man.

They crystallize your lungs.

Yeah.

That's what Jupe says.

Not me.

Not you, Jupe.

Cloned homegrown in the chat room is a How's My Driving number.

He sent me a toll-free number for How's My Driving.

I've never tried that.

Earth Dog has sent me the Dead song.

Wow, he's done a song?

I heard that he was singing, what song is it?

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow?

No.

That'd be great.

Oh jeez

He told me I think

But I forgot

Oh

I don't know

I don't remember

I was excited to hear about it

And anytime you have the dead

Doing anything

I want to hear

Yeah okay

Well good

We need to spread that around

Hey

I see that Hit City

Has gone down by 7 people

So I bet you

Yeah cause

People go on there

To listen to us

Yeah I know

Yeah

Maybe

Well I'm saying

Maybe

And they're like

Who's this

Nick Cannon

I hate that guy

Nick Cannon

It's not Nick Cannon

Still playing music

That bastard

God that's awful music

Yeah I know

Whoever listens to that

You know

You gotta be a fag

Half a fag

Or a 13 year old girl

Or a 13 year old

Teeny bop

Anybody who listens to

Like the mix station

Or whatever

You're gay

Fuck that guy man

You should listen to

Either like

The horrible metal station

Or the bad rap station

So a lot of feedback

From that

And what's with guy

I don't ever call guy

For somebody a guy

Isn't that a gay thing

Listen guy

Hey guy

Isn't that gay

Hey guy

No

That's too close to gay

That's only a letter away from gay

I don't know

I don't like that

I don't like that he assumed

That I'm a guy

I don't know where that came from, but that's that.

We've got to call some Losing and Losing numbers here

because he's been confirming for a while.

Yeah, he's our boy.

Where's he from?

England or something like that?

I have no idea.

He's an enigma.

Wait, wait.

Go down and get a UCF number.

UCF?

Where, where, where?

Key West, Daytona.

Scroll down.

I'm at the very bottom.

I'm going to go back up here.

Scroll down.

Karaoke.

Yeah, you saw it wrong.

It looked like a college number.

Like I said, like UCSB.

University of California.

Yeah, call that.

California, Santa Barbara.

The University Center, third floor.

Okay, a girl answered.

Okay, so she apparently has a webcam, too.

Let's check that out real quick.

Let's check out the homegirl's webcam for a bit, Carl.

Nicoletti's Coffee Shop.

So, okay, so see, these people have live webcams,

and then you can actually call them also.

We should have a live webcam.

I can't find mine, though, so.

Tough shit.

Yeah, I know.

Tough tomatoes.

I don't want a live webcam.

Tough tomatoes.

I want everybody to see how tan I am.

Yeah, so apparently these people have a webcam.

I don't know if it's going to work.

They got a big red tomato and a t-shirt.

Yeah.

Okay.

Nicoletti at the UConn?

Whatever.

The U-Cent?

I don't know.

The U-Cent.

I don't know.

Okay, I'm not going to listen to this.

It's always coffee time.

It sucks.

Those webcams aren't going to work.

Yeah.

Anyway, I'll post this here for the people to see as I call them.

So I'm posting in the chat room now.

You're not going to be able to get it.

Probably not.

It'll probably crash now or something, but probably not.

We're not that popular, but if you want to see who we're about to call, check that webcam out.

We have 47 listeners.

47 listeners.

Listeners have gone down a lot without Miltman.

I know there's a lot of Miltman fans out there.

A lot of Zolar fans are upset that he left, too.

Is he gone for good?

No, he actually replayed one of his shows the other day.

Did you hear him on Howard 100?

I told you about that, right?

Yeah, but I don't have time for that.

Yeah, they interviewed him on Howard 100.

I heard it the other day.

If I could tan and listen to a show at the same time, I would, but I can't.

You can't do that.

No, the computer's too far away.

I could do that.

Turn up the speakers or something.

Yeah, I'd do that.

I'm outside

that's a whole other side of the house

I've got the FM modulator so I can actually put on my Walkman

and actually have it all through the house

if you want

Whatever, bitch.

I'm so special.

And I broadcast serious to, like, the apartment complex here,

or the condo complex, whatever the hell you want to call it.

I always think I should try it while I'm driving around,

just start tuning it in and see if I can get it,

but, like, who knows if they're going to be playing, like,

you know, with the channel I want to hear.

Yeah, exactly.

If I turn it in and someone's playing a mix station,

I'll get pissed off.

Yeah, that would suck.

That would suck.

Unless they're playing Paul of Duel.

All right, well, let's play a song here while we set this up.

We're going to call this Coffee Shop in Santa Barbara, California.

California.

Right back everybody.

Ladies, there's flowers.

Who is this?

Flowers.

Salas?

Flowers.

Oh, flowers.

How you doing?

Who's this?

This is Carlito.

Hey, ma'am.

Can you speak up a little bit?

It's hard to hear you.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Making a cappuccino back there or something?

I'm brewing coffee, actually.

You're brewing coffee?

Yes.

Can you hold on a second, please?

Alright, hurry up.

Jesus Christ.

It makes a lot of noise to make coffee over there, huh?

Yeah, we're grinding coffee right now.

Oh, grinding coffee.

the phone's ringing girl thanks sorry what can i do for you well i'm just wondering uh do you got

like colombian coffee or what's like your brew of the day how do you our brew of the day our

consistent one is italian roast and then yeah it's fair trade italian roast we have that every day

and then we have a blend that um switches out every day every day okay so anything minty mint

Yeah, anything with some mint?

Um, no, nothing with mint.

Okay.

Well, that's pretty boring.

What about sugar-free options?

You got, like, a sugar-free mocha?

Oh, you're talking espresso?

Yeah, we have mint.

Sorry, I thought you were talking about, like, straight-up drip coffee.

Yeah, we have mint.

The hell's drip coffee?

Sorry, what?

I can't hear you.

Can you shut that off?

Come on.

No, it's the espresso machine.

Knock it off.

Stop all production.

Just talk to me.

Come on, just you and me.

Yeah, we have sugar-free syrups as well.

Well, we have sugar-free vanilla, caramel, anything...

Oh, God.

I just keep calling everywhere looking for sugar-free mint.

No one cares anymore.

Sorry.

I would do anything for some sugar-free mint stuff right now.

Honestly, please.

What can you do for me?

Sorry.

Do something.

I can't provide you with sugar-free mint.

What's the craziest stuff you can make?

You got that soy stuff over there?

We do have soy.

All right.

What about that chai stuff?

Can you mix, like, some soy and some chai and some skim milk?

Yes, we can.

What do you call that?

We call it a chai latte with soy.

Jesus God, man.

Are you, honestly, how much caffeine is something like that?

Uh, just about as much as a cup of coffee.

Okay.

Okay, would it be, I don't know where to go with this, alright?

I'm going to stop bothering you, okay, lady?

Okay.

Alright, you take care.

You have a good night, bitch.

I don't know what to tell her.

Where am I going to go with that?

Coffee.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Jesus.

I know, everybody's probably real disappointed.

I know.

Too bad.

Like, where's he going with that?

Please enter the number you wish to call.

We'll call the Falling Rock Tap House.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Hours. Eight. Minutes.

Falling Rock.

What?

Falling Rock.

Corn Roam?

Falling Rock.

Oh, following on Tap House, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

Great.

What's on tap tonight?

About 75 beers.

What?

I have about 75 beers.

Okay.

Sounds good.

How about five of those?

Cool.

Snap it.

Come and get them.

Snap in the phone.

Snappy.

You're what?

Snappy, snappy.

I just don't have it in me tonight, man.

It's just not working.

Two Friends Patio Restaurant.

Oh, it's a karaoke bar.

Wow.

Hey.

Did you call and ask them if they got, like, wrap music?

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Do you have anything by, um, uh, Bloody Fetus?

I want to sing a Bloody Fetus song.

You have five, four, minutes.

I want to do karaoke to Bay Hope, it's Fifth Symphony.

Right.

Okay, I'm dirty. Okay.

Ooh, Cruz! Cruz is on second.

I like your friends.

Hey, Cruz is on second, buddy. How about that, right?

Alright, yep.

Hell yeah, right?

Okay, you guys, you're in, you're, uh, how close are you guys over to, um, that one road?

over here in Key West I don't know I'm here in town what's the one road with

everything going on Duvall yeah half a block half a block off

Duvall okay all right well hey I'm gonna come down front take it right okay well

I'm gonna be doing some parasailing I'm planning on crashing into that area

nothing funny though you know what I mean just a little bit of crashing you

know you know how that goes right I have to get silly hey all right but you that

right so um is the karaoke on now is it isn't is it a nightly thing so I'm

Okay, um, what kind of classical music selections you have for karaoke? I'm looking for something out of Beethoven's, uh, repertoire.

Yeah, we got like 5,000 songs. Come on down.

Ha!

This show sucks, dude.

None of the Cubs, are they still losing?

They suck.

They're threatening right now. They got guys that probably want out.

Wow.

I can't watch this. It's not on here at all.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

It's called the Schooner Wharf Bar. Why'd it get locked?

It's not on TV, so I'm not taping it or anything.

Oh, God.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Look at how the hat sits on his head. He's got a pinhead.

He's a bastard.

Look at that, though.

Oh my god, it's like overlapping.

Please enter the number. You have five hours.

Bunch of assholes in Key West, man.

Those faggots think their shit don't stink.

Yeah, they do.

Hey, good evening. How are you?

Good, how are you?

I'm good. How far away are you guys from Duval?

Right on Duval Street.

Right on Duval? North Duval or South Duval?

I guess it would be North Duval, 100 blocks.

Okay, well I'm on East Duval. Can you maybe give me directions?

Where are you?

East Duval.

That doesn't even make sense. Where are you?

I'm on East Duval. I'm staying at the hotel on East Duval, the Marriott.

Oh, at the Marriott?

Yeah, you know the Marriott?

Yeah, but that's not...

We're at the end of Duval.

100 Duval, South of Pegatel,

Kitty Corner from Sloppy Joe's.

Whatever you say.

No.

Okay.

Do you have scooter parking there?

Yep.

You can just park it up front.

I don't want it to get stolen.

I've already had two scooters stolen from me so far.

This is vacation.

I don't want any of them on that, you know?

Well, you have to lock them up.

If you don't lock them up, they'll swipe them.

Well, yeah, they swipe them all the time.

They're terrible bugs.

Yeah.

I know, but that's why you've got to lock them up, because if you don't, they'll grab them and throw them in the back of trucks and drive them up to Miami.

It's terrible about it.

So Jamaicans doing it?

I don't know, but I just know that they get stolen a lot.

Man, you guys have got a lot of fags down here in Key West. What's that all about?

I mean, they're everywhere.

What's that?

They're everywhere. Isn't this America? I see fags holding hands, fags kissing.

Yeah, it's very diverse down here.

I don't know about diverse. It sounds like it's all twisted. It sounds like the devil lives here in Key West.

I want my money back.

All right.

All right, so what can we talk about? Can you cut me a check?

You think you can jerk me off under the table?

What's that?

Can you jerk me off under the table?

He said fag.

Okay.

You got hung up on.

Already?

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Call him back.

Where was it?

He went there and his scooter got stuck.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

You're in the parking lot on your cell phone.

57 minutes.

Scooter theft is a major crime, ain't it?

Give me that shit.

Baby Jesus.

You reached Schooner, we're sorry, no one can get to the phone right now, please leave your name and...

Wow, well this is trying not to be great.

Hogs bristling, see I gotta mess with these people, they're hard asses from all I understand.

They'll probably beat you up.

Yeah, they will, good.

They'll beat you up over the phone.

Grab you and beat you up.

I miss Milkman, don't you?

Yeah.

Because whenever we saw him, we'd just like start making fun of Milkman.

Yeah, I know, at this point, yeah, we'd have something to fall back on.

Hey Milkman, you're a dirty communist.

Yeah, I am.

Yeah.

I'm a socialist.

I live in a candy world.

Candy world.

I'll just press the bell.

Yeah, hey, someone down there stole my scooter.

Somebody down here stole your scooter?

Yeah.

Well, you try calling the police?

Oh, no.

The guy told me to call, speak to you over there, that you guys knew he stole my scooter.

I got a good mind to go down there and start some trouble.

You're welcome to come down, but we don't own the parking lot.

So if something happened there, you're responsible for it with the parking lot attendants, the bank, and the police.

No, no, no, no.

But the problem is, some guy said he actually took it to the bar.

It's, like, there inside the bar.

Can you look in the bathroom?

Okay.

I can assure you there's nothing in the bathroom.

Hey, enough with the hysterics.

Let me talk to a male associate there or something.

You know, someone who can vote.

Please enter the number.

Ah, dammit, man.

Jesus.

I'll try him one more time.

Call Eddie.

Okay.

Yo, I got a scooter in the bathroom today.

Yo.

I just saw a scooter.

It's in the bathroom.

I'm so stupid.

Five dollars.

Alright.

Hashi makes a good point.

I don't use my voices enough.

Yeah, record my mates isn't funny.

I got nothing going for me.

How can I mix my grip?

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

Press manager line.

The manager line?

Is not available.

They'll never get my patronage.

That's for one.

That's for sure.

Who else can we call?

Robbie O'Connell's Pub.

We already called that.

We've called all these.

We didn't call the Daytona number, I guess, right?

I don't know.

I guess we could call that.

Tell them to get the, what is that, Boot Hill Saloon in Daytona.

Boot Hill Saloon?

Yeah, it's like the gangster biker bar in Daytona.

Oh, yeah, I've heard of that.

I've heard of that.

Isn't that where the Aryans hang out?

Yeah, there's a cemetery across the street.

So they go, you're better off here than across the street.

Oh, is that what they say?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's very nice.

Hoppy Brew Pub.

You parked your scooter across the street.

Someone threw it in a tree.

Yo, this guy picked up my scooter and threw it.

I want you to send your bonds around here to help me out, yo.

What the fuck, yo?

Alright, that's stupid, that's stupid.

That's better.

Call up Lonesome Loser Suggests, calling up Robbie O'Connell.

Tell him that I was there a little while ago.

That's funny, that's a good job.

And the guy in the plaid shirt was hitting on you and you're pissed because you didn't know it was a gay boy.

Good job. Good job. Good call, Lonson Loser. We'll be back.

Hang on for a sec.

I lost an arm.

There it is.

Oh my god.

Are we okay?

Bitch, fake GX rated to click

Bought braids for the bitch

Louis Vuitton kicks a trick

Don't suck shit

Meanwhile in the hood, she drivin' around good

This bitch think she in Hollywood

Meantime, she settin' the nigga up

Tellin' us what is stuff, she ready to get him stuck

What?

Thick ties, but she full of surprises

I swear this bitch is shady

That's what I know

Sex on my mind all the time

And you think that that's your baby

You don't know a good guy that's lit

But she throwin' your safety

That's what I know

If you cool and she satisfied

How bitch just paged me

Riding O'Connells

Yeah, hey, I got an issue

I was just there

And apparently some gentleman was

Perhaps, let's say, hitting on me

Hitting on you?

Hitting on you, hitting on me

Not you, me, me

Okay

Yeah, I didn't understand

This is a homosexual establishment

No, who was hitting on you?

Some guy there in black pants

I mean, that was a dead giveaway

Some guy in black pants

First of all, that's a dead giveaway

But are you, are you aware of the legislation in Florida that said you can't operate a homosexual establishment anywhere within 100 miles of a church?

Gay. Not a gay bar. It's a diner's pub.

That's not what I hear.

Okay.

Well, Robbie O'Connell sounds like a pretty gay name. What kind of name is Robbie?

Gay.

Yeah, it's gay, right? So you're a gay, too?

Right on.

Hey.

Yeah.

Hey, homo.

Yeah.

I'm gonna pray for you tonight.

Right on.

You're sick. You're sick, you bastard.

Thank you.

Go to hell.

Have a great night.

Don't let me go down there.

Okay.

Well Andy, this is great.

Yeah, you did. That was the best call of the night.

You missed it.

What do you do when you get people to fight with you?

No one wants to fight with me.

This is all metal. These webcam calls aren't working, man.

I don't know what the hell's going on.

No, we're not actually looking at the cams.

This is gonna fuck up things even worse.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

When you call a bar, I need to look at the cam

and say my friend is there, then

describe someone sitting at the bar and talking to them.

number you wish to call then find their name and send pizza and shit that's british humor for you

please enter the number you wish to shut up bitch okay hang on i like women telling me what to do

talk about enter your call whatever shut up yeah and nunu says the show's gonna fuck you nunu and

you go fuck yourself you british bastard goddamn europeans right you trust the british no i don't

trust anyone my mom it is it is let me take a break so i can talk to you all right everybody

All right, everybody, we're going to take a quick break.

We'll be right back in a little bit with more attempts at prank calls

and more live calls and more shit.

So I would ask that you all bear with us.

Didn't you just leave your mom's house?

No, she didn't see me.

She wasn't there.

Oh.

Anyway, we'll be right back after this short break, folks.

After this.

Tell me 40,000 people are coming here.

Not here.

A doctor has slipped a 20.

It's the Onion Radio News.

This is Doyle Redland reporting.

Dr. Ken Schneider was appreciative,

but says he was slightly taken aback after patient Marcus Carter slipped him a crisp $20 bill

just before receiving a CAT scan.

While no mention was made of the intent behind the stealthily placed bill,

Dr. Snyder suspects the act was meant to ensure a positive diagnosis,

something he says he simply can't accommodate.

Upon hearing the doctor's diagnosis, Carter offered $100, then $200 for a clean bill of health,

then curled up in a ball, softly weeping for his mother.

Should have tipped the radiologist.

Doyle Redland for the Onion Radio News.

Calls (12, 38 min of 2 h 32 min)

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