2006-05-11 Show

Good evening everybody, welcome to another episode, another episode, fuck it, god damn

it, what's wrong with my mic, it won't stay, you're retarded, oh jesus, welcome to another

What a great start to the Madhouse.

You're listening to me, Carlito, and here with Andy.

Andy, what's up, man?

How you doing?

What's up, everybody?

How's everybody doing?

I'm going to give you more applause.

There you go.

More applause for Andy.

Applause for everybody.

Standing ovation.

We're here.

It's the 11th, Thursday night, and we're going to do a show.

So there it is.

We've got plenty of people listening.

The music just died.

It probably ran out.

Whatever.

Okay.

Oh, there it is.

Bob Marley's back on.

Bob Marley sucks.

Your favorite artist, Bob Marley.

There was a time when you loved Bob Marley.

Bullshit.

You used to get high all the time and listen to Bob Marley?

No, never.

I used to get high and I'd hate on people who listened to that.

Whenever I walked into someone's house, they'd be like, you're a little smug.

And they had a stupid Bob Marley poster.

Or Jim Morrison.

It would also have a Scarface poster.

It made me so angry.

I hate Scarface posters.

What are you going to idolize that?

Stupid white kid.

White kids are stupid.

I used to steal posters out of people's houses and parties and stuff all the time.

No you didn't

Yeah I did

I always steal something

From a party when I go

They used to do that

All the time

You didn't go to a party

You know what

If you drive into like

Four parties in your life

No bullshit man

When did you ever go to a party

I had this thing

Where I would steal the

We would take you to parties

It would be so weird

There would be like

There was a huge

Puerto Rican guy

He's just standing there

Staring at everybody

He's creeping everybody out

That's not true

I don't creep anybody

That wasn't in strip clubs

I used to creep people out

I was staring at them

My buddy Gary

Used to have parties all the time

And he used to be

the creepiest guy there.

That's why I brought you

is because you out-creeped me.

I didn't.

That's not what it was about.

I thought you said I was cool.

Like, yeah,

everybody thinks you're

a real cool car, dude.

You should come by.

And you just stare at everybody

and you wouldn't talk to anyone.

It was great.

I hate you.

I don't know why

I bring you on here.

And then, like,

oh, man,

the one time

when that girl

was on the stripper pole,

what'd you yell?

I yelled,

that's what I'm talking about, bitch,

and I fell down.

He turned around and he walked in the wall and fell down.

No, I fell back.

I fell back into the garage, and then I had a beer in my hand,

and I kept it upright all the way down.

That's what you're supposed to do.

Don't give yourself props for that.

No, but no.

Any reputed American would keep that beer steady.

Until I got to the floor, and then I just kind of turned it out.

I turned it over like I dumped it on purpose.

That's lame and weird.

Yeah, that's probably why everybody thought you were weird.

That's Eli's favorite story, actually.

He still talks about that to this day.

I saw him the other day, and he was like, he called me.

He's like, yeah, man, I heard some guy fall into the garage door.

I was like, what?

I didn't even know who he was at first.

He called me for the first time, and he's never called me on the phone.

Anyway, so yeah.

But I used to steal batteries out of people's cordless phones at parties all the time.

That's fucked up.

That was my thing.

I'd steal the battery out of the cordless phone.

How many batteries do you have collected?

That was years ago.

I don't know.

I had like four or five.

I had four or five in my car.

Wow.

Yeah, I had a good collection.

I'm pretty impressed.

But that's bad.

You know, that's probably why things got stolen from me in the future.

Bad karma, man.

Karma.

What's back?

What's up, Athena?

Yeah.

How are you doing?

You're not going to come here and say hi to everybody since you're back?

Everybody's really, they want to hear, they're all like potheads.

They want to hear all the weed you smoked in Amsterdam.

Yeah.

Let's call the names off.

White Widow.

Isn't that one?

White Widow.

Okay, go ahead.

White Widow.

47.

What else?

You don't know any of the names?

That's it.

Okay.

She's lying.

I'm sure they were good, though.

She probably didn't go to Amsterdam anymore.

It's a lie.

It's South Africa.

South Africa.

Yeah, exactly.

Zimbabwe.

So here we are.

If you want to reach us, you can call us toll-free tonight.

The toll-free line is open.

That line is 1.

You haven't turned that on yet, have you?

Yeah, it is.

Someone already called.

Oh, that's right.

That faggot from Sioux City, Iowa.

Whenever he calls and I put him on, he doesn't say anything.

I was going to call the rest of the night, probably, but I'll just block him.

That's fine.

It takes me two seconds to block him, so keep trying.

And then eventually we'll find someone we know in Sioux City, Iowa,

beat that guy up.

Yeah, we have connections in Iowa, matter of fact.

We have Tuck out there in Iowa.

Yeah, why isn't Tuck with that guy's ass yet?

Yeah, Tuck, man, man up, man.

Tuck, get some nickels, put them in a sock,

and bring on his doorbell.

Exactly.

You know how to do the rest.

And take out a Zion pour lemon juice in the socket.

Yeah.

That'll teach him to fuck people.

British is talking to us on what is MSN,

saying he's got new numbers coming in.

Oh, great.

Good.

Good. Lonesome Loser sent us a bunch of numbers in the chat room.

You can join us in the chat room here. Give me a second and I'll get to that.

And also hit us on the instant messaging. We get some submissions there already.

We're starting up to a quick start here.

Other than that, let me continue saying again, the toll-free line, if you want to call in tonight,

that's a toll-free call. That's 1-888-278-8509.

That's free to you if you live in the United States of America.

If you want to reach us on AOL Instant Messenger, if you're on AOL Instant Messenger,

Madhouse Radio

Again, that's Madhouse Radio

That's our screen name here

We are on there now

If you're using Yahoo Messenger

You can reach us at MadhousePCURadio

MadhousePCURadio

And if you're on Hotmail

If you're on MSN Messenger

MadhousePCURadio

At Hotmail.com

The chat room, you can join that

You can go to our homepage

MadhouseLive.com

You can download past episodes of the shows that we've had here recently and in the past.

You can also download pranks that we have uploaded there from previous shows.

You can also join the chat room.

You can use your Java client through your web browser.

There's links on there.

You can also join us on IRC if you're using an IRC client.

That's over at irc.lazy-net.de.

The instructions are all there at madhouselive.com.

Don't forget also to visit the homepage for Prank Call Underground Radio.

That's kdkprankcalls.com.

K-D-K as in kill, death, kill.

K-D-Kprankcalls.com.

In the chat room, a quick shout-out to whoever's in there right now.

Madman, who runs the server, is in there, and I'm in there as well.

Andy can read that shit, too.

We've got Assorted Others, Lonesome Loser, as I said before,

the official confirmer of Prank Call Underground Radio is in there.

We've got Humpty's Dump Bar and Grill.

uh please bar and grill we have chubby's hamburgers chubby and nubby's junkay junk

that's junk junk oh in spanish that means jungle i don't know that's in lagrange isn't lagrange in

iowa or i mean illinois or something there's a lot of how do you how do you pronounce it lagrange

i think lagrange the one in illinois i know is probably north carolina's

a webcam that is uh wedgies in ohio mcdonald's and redmond washington redmond oregon walmart i

have an idea for that uh we got three other walmart's uh 7-eleven we have several of those

we have an indian guy who answered at one of them in california imagine that everybody loves indians

yeah oh we have you know we haven't called casinos in a while either that's always fun

we had the iron horse casino and the silver reef casino uh both in washington indian guys answer

there too we got a lot of indian people we can call tonight let's make this an indian night what

do you say indy sure all right uh saigon has sent me a number for uh some dude named god warrior

Okay, great.

We'll get on that.

Saigon also says that Java clients are for pussies, so join us on IRC again.

Doesn't everybody hate that guy?

I like him.

I think he stirs the shit up.

I don't mind him at all.

We all need someone like that in the chat room, I'd like to say.

Who else is in here?

Jonathan, the 46-year-old guy in North Carolina, is in the chat room.

He creeps me out.

Matt and Jupe making an appearance tonight in the chat room.

I don't know if anyone's called their mom lately.

Yeah, we need an update on that.

or if they found out

like who did it

it wasn't me

it wasn't me either

I got other things

to do that bother him

god they got the

good mom man

fuck that man

his mom fucking

tried to narc him out

he had weed

what 150 years

weed in his house

I know like

that sucked though

we didn't even get

to that point

like his mom

went ahead and

tried to get him

in trouble

yeah that's something

my mom would do

your mom tried to

turn him out

yeah

Tuck

very good man

has done a lot of

stuff for us

here in the madhouse

he's in the chat room

as well making an

In appearance, he's saying something, I don't know what, because my computer's freezing.

Too cold for you, Andy?

You comfortable?

No, I was actually hot.

All right, well, yeah, yeah, me too.

Tuck lives in Tennessee, not Iowa.

All right, you're worthless.

Well, he's a volunteer.

You should go out there.

When we find someone in Tennessee for him to beat up, we'll let him know.

Yeah, Tuck, you're on standby.

We'll let you know.

He's part of the militia.

New News says it's time that they call the United Kingdom again, because there's lots

of Indians out there.

Okay.

He's also sent numbers for that, you know, that Fred Phelps guy, that racist, anti-gay

minister.

God's hate.

Is that the God's hate?

God hates fags, yeah, our good friend Fred Phelps, his wife is great, people, I've talked

to her several times on the show, got several numbers for that dude, I guess members of

his cult and whatnot, in the background, what's going on, this is downloading, I was downloading

the Stephen Colbert, it's probably fucking up the bufferage stuff, we'll play that later,

Stephen Colbert at the White House Correspondents Dinner, which happened two weeks ago, people

People have probably already heard this by now, but whatever.

Earthdog, he's a very big contributor to PCU.

He's sending in a number for a karaoke bar.

It's probably going to be very loud there, but we can try it.

Tab.

Someone tells me that I'm scared.

What is with the volume just going away like that?

I don't know.

You got something?

I don't know.

Someone's controlling my computer.

Anyway.

Someone called you a nigger bitch.

I love that line.

That's my favorite line.

It's a nigger bitch.

Brayden.

Shout out to Brayden for calling me a nigger bitch in Florida.

There you go.

Who else is in here?

Who would I forget?

Clone Homegrown is in there, Moonman, Nunu from the UK, Poop, great name,

Reeple, Scotty, Slyam, Spongebob, Ultraviolet, X-Babe, who's not a real person.

Who's that?

It's some bot or something like that.

That's Madman's.

Madman created this bot.

It's like his bitch online.

To make it look like there's a girl who actually listens to this stuff?

Yeah.

You ever see that movie Weird Science?

Yeah.

That's X-Babe right there.

Madman, yeah, he's working on it right there.

That's cool.

Wow, that's scary.

Madman is real sad.

Yeah, Madman's from Illinois too.

That's why

It means a lot

Alright when I go to Illinois

Next I'm going to visit

Mad Men

And

Dead

Hey

I heard Carlos

Okay

Any casinos in Illinois

I might go

If there's a casino

There's some

Indian casinos

Right over the border

In Wisconsin

I know that

I want to go

Over the border

Well I mean

Everybody in Illinois

If you're living near Chicago

You go to Wisconsin

For the weekend

If you're rich

And you live in Chicago

That's what you do

Most of the people in New York

They go to Atlantic City

Right over the weekend

To gamble and shit

or Connecticut

he's in Houston

but he was in Florida

I don't know where

anyone's from

how am I supposed to

know where you're from

I don't care

Houston's a fat city

everybody lives there

it's fat

yeah isn't that

the fattest city

Houston

fattest city ever

fattest city in America

that's what I hear

okay someone's

going to get kicked

out of the chat room

they keep spamming it

keep working on that Perez

let's do a prank call

let's just jump in

do we have anything

we can talk about

you want to bullshit about

you better do a prank call

yeah you know how

people get all antsy

and stuff

do a prank

Yeah, we're up to 36 listeners.

Woo-hoo.

Wow.

And we're not, I guess we're not on AimBum or whatever the fuck that faggot shit is.

What, HitCity or something like that?

Yeah.

He's not playing us anymore.

We should, let's listen to see what's being played in our stat.

This is always a fun game.

I hope it's Nick Cannon.

Nick Cannon.

Nick Cannon is a comedian, I think.

Oh.

Nick Cannon.

Uh, here's that guy.

Let's see what's going on over here.

4-3-9-1-5-0-7.

That's 4-7-9-4-3-9.

I don't know what the hell's going on there.

He's playing something.

He's playing like a feed-off of a radio station or something.

Yeah.

If you call that number and you're the fourth caller, you get free Molly Hatchett tickets.

Oh, boy.

Molly Hatchett.

Awesome.

Awesome, awesome, awesome.

Did Poop do that to show the dedication?

Whatever.

He hit himself in the nuts out of dedication.

That was great.

Wow, really?

That was great.

Good for you, Poop.

Very good.

Okay.

Who can we call?

Subway at Walmart.

Because I have an idea for that.

Hopefully they answer.

It takes forever for subways to call, well, Walmarts to call.

I don't think I've ever pranked a subway, per se.

This is garbage.

You eat subway subs, you're retarded.

You gotta go to Publix.

See, no one knows about Publix.

The best fried chicken and the best subs.

Yeah, true.

Yeah, and the thing is, like, usually you have a Publix and there's a subway in the

same plaza.

I'll go to the Publix and wait longer to get my sub.

God, this shit is garbage, man.

It's mass-produced bread.

Yeah, like, well, none of that stuff's good.

None of that stuff's good.

Like, oh, we bake our bread fresh.

Yeah, but they get it shipped in.

It was already made.

Yeah, it's frozen bread.

Yeah, exactly.

That's just not good.

If you eat that, you're gay.

Tell me.

And their lunch meat, it's not even good lunch meat.

It's not even like, you go to Publix, you get some boar's head.

Hell yeah.

Even like the Publix lunch meat is better than the Sublix.

I don't ever get boar's head.

They say there's no fillers and cereals.

Yeah, boar's head is the doom.

Even the sandwich, I'm not going to taste.

All I taste is mayonnaise and mustard.

I keep it simple with my, like I just want mayonnaise, mustard, salt, pepper, and oil.

That's all I get on my sandwich.

They get meat, cheese, mayo, light mayo.

I'll get meat, cheese, too.

Meat, cheese, mayo, light mayo.

That's it.

Light, like, a little bit of mayo or, like, light, like, fat?

No, light, like, just a little bit.

And they'll go, all the black ladies, they'll be like, what?

That's all you want?

Yeah, so they say to me, too, like, you don't know how to make a sandwich.

Honey, you don't want no veggies on your stomach.

And I always lie.

I go, no, I'm going to take this to work and eat it later.

I don't want to get all soggy.

Right, yeah.

That's what it is.

I'm embarrassed I don't want, like, tomatoes and lettuce on my stomach.

I don't like vegetables period I gotta get that oil on that sub though

Alright well let's play some mystical here

That's what we're talking about playing mystical tonight

I haven't played mystical in a long time

So let's do that

We're gonna call the subway which is inside a Walmart

Which is in Oregon

We're right back after this folks

First prank of the night is coming now

What's that voice Eddie?

Yo what's up it's Subway

Yo where do I pick up the train so I can get to Walmart

I wouldn't know that

Yo, it's the subway, right?

Yeah.

Yo, what number train is this? I've been looking for the Walmart all day.

You're looking for the number of the train?

Yeah, so I can get on the subway. I need to go to Walmart.

I don't know that.

What do you mean? It's the subway, stupid.

Yeah, I don't know what the train number is.

Yeah, but is this the subway at the Walmart?

Yes.

Yo, what the fuck? Yo, what's your train number? How do I get to the subway there?

I don't know the train number. You're going to have to call the train station to ask.

No, but you're the subway, yo.

Why train goes to your subway?

I don't know that.

I'm going to have to hang up now because I have customers waiting.

No, but how do I get to your subway?

You need to call the train station.

But this is the subway.

I'm calling you.

Yeah, but I wouldn't know that.

But you're the subway train.

No, we're not.

We're subway as in sandwiches.

Yo, what subway sandwich station is this?

This isn't the train station.

It says right here subway on my paper.

Yeah, but this is Subway Sandwiches.

Yo, I've been on the 12 train all day.

It keeps going around in circles.

Yeah, this isn't the Subway train station.

This is Subway Sandwiches.

Okay, well, let me place an order.

Well, we don't take phone orders.

Well, let me get the number 12 train.

I wouldn't know that.

Let me get the 13 train.

I don't know that.

What's your name?

Hello?

Hey, can I pay with tokens?

No, you don't.

I'm not hanging up on you now.

No, you don't.

Come on, stay on the phone.

I have customers.

I have I have a customer here too. I think I gotta hang up the phone too damn it

Took her while to figure it out, right? No

Yeah

Enter the number you wish to call

Please try your ball again later.

You're going to give me a break this time, you stupid Aussie.

Yeah, I think she's so tough with her socialism.

Anyway, that was okay.

It was an interesting start.

Ooh, an Indian guy.

That's always fun.

7-11 food store.

Hey, we had a request here we had to hit.

I've got to get better with getting these people's requests.

Poop in the chat room is asking me to call some, I guess some kid won a contest to have Donovan McNabb come to his school.

And it was all over the news and he was rubbing it in people's faces.

His last name is Zapata.

Zapata.

Isn't it like a rebel in Mexico or something?

Or that's a Zapatista, right?

Yeah.

They got John Paul.

It's a gay, stupid name, John Paul.

Mexico is going to be in big trouble in Mexico in a while.

You think so?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Definitely.

They got their election coming up, and there's already, like, terrorist bombings.

Oh, great.

Yeah, we don't even talk about it in America.

I mean, that's why, like, so many Mexicans come here, because their country is even

worse than, you know, it's turned to shit.

They're coming here for a reason.

If we stopped them from coming here, they would have to, like, you know, change their

country.

Yeah, that's true.

That's harder to do than to come working with.

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

What's that one song I like to play that I haven't played in a while?

Pusha Man, right?

Yeah, you play that all the time.

I guess not.

I haven't played it in a while, though.

It's from the song I haven't played.

Oh, Sanaria.

Sanaria?

Okay, I'll play that.

I heard that when I was driving home from the Social Security office today.

Aw, did that make you feel bad?

Yeah, I sang along.

Like, I'm so bad at singing along, I forget all that.

But, oh, I got something special for your punk ass.

Yeah.

Yeah, all right.

We'll be right back with...

Ain't got no crystal ball.

John Paul's a batter.

Feel it.

Sing it if you feel it.

Fuck up.

Is Donovan McNabb the one that's around Mexico?

Or is that someone else?

That's Michael Vick.

Donovan McNabb is.

What are you going to call and say to him?

I don't know.

Tell him you're Donovan McNabb and you want to hang out with him.

You met him.

Oh, hello there.

Tell him you got some whores.

I'm Donovan McNabb.

I got some whores.

I got some blow.

I got some coke and bananas.

Which kid was that?

Yeah, we got to find out.

Hey, now you're already calling.

We're going through.

Yeah, Poop, tell us what school this was.

Hurry.

Hurry up.

Was it a lecture school?

I don't know.

God, this is taking so goddamn long.

Trust people, Lamperez.

The racist guy.

That guy's putting out a new song.

This is a new one for Johnny Rebel.

Coming at you, number 22 on charts.

It's called Nigger Hating Me.

It's called Perez the Poss.

We're going to have to write this number down and do it manually.

That was it.

The stream always, he never.

You should get something other than double.

That's Jonathan.

He's always got problems.

Yeah.

We took so long that the actual song ended.

Never got through a whole song before

It's a first time

It's a new first for the man

That's a great video too

I like you know

They filmed it after

Really

It's like the big fat drummer

Not even Saturday

What am I playing that song for

You know I got his number

I got his cell

Hello

Hello there man

May I speak to John Paul please

Calling

This is Donovan McNabb

Okay there

Hello

This is Donovan McNabb

How you doing sir

Good

This is Donovan McNabb

I was over there

Carousing middle the other day

I was wondering

Maybe you want to hang out with me again

I really like you, kid.

You're not.

Oh, yeah.

This is Donovan McNabb.

Yeah, right.

Hello there.

I got a lot of cocaine and bananas.

Yeah, you do?

Yeah.

Let's go over here and eat some cocaine and snort some bananas.

Like in the middle school?

Yeah.

I know.

He sounds like he's Mexican.

That's probably why.

He probably has a mustache, too.

You're not Donovan.

Fuck you, man.

I'm not Donovan, man.

Yeah.

What is this?

He's sending me a bunch of numbers.

Abdul, Kareem, Zara.

The number you wish to call.

Hang on.

Let's call that.

Yeah, I got it.

You got a...

The number you have entered is not valid.

Please call again.

Please enter...

Same voice.

The number you have entered is not valid.

Please try again.

Please try or call again later.

What is that?

The phone's really bad tonight, man.

I mean, this is like the worst I've heard in a long time.

You always say that, though.

I do, yeah.

I always have low expectations for myself.

Jonathan says he has broadband, not dial-up.

Well, your broadband sucks.

Get your thumb out of a little kid's ass and maybe he wouldn't skip.

Yeah.

Fucking faggot.

Yeah.

Poop says, no wonder people did drugs.

They did them to put up with his songs.

With whose songs?

Jesus Christ, this song is long.

Oh, the one, okay.

Whatever, Sublime, right?

Oh, wow.

He's on Sublime?

I guess.

I don't know.

Well, Sublime, did they ever, I mean, they just did a one-time kind of flash wall.

No, no.

They had like four or five really hit songs.

I don't know.

Maybe these kids are too young.

They're not into it.

I guess so.

That was 90s, right?

Yeah.

Like, I liked them when I was a kid.

I didn't tell anyone in high school that I liked them

because the kids who liked it in high school were all rich, preppy kids.

Yeah.

Yeah, so I kind of kept them in down low.

You got to do that.

I don't want them to know.

I know.

Let's do another call and see how long it takes.

But I can play this other Johnny Rebel song that I don't play that often, I guess.

Is it about Negroes?

It's called Ship Those Negroes Back.

Not in those exact words.

Wow.

Here we go.

Johnny Rebel, everybody.

Let's call 7-Eleven

In Oakland

America for white, Africa for black

Send those apes back to the trees

If those niggers back

Ring that bell, shout for joy

White men's day is here

20 million public homes already on the floor

There's not even that many black people in this country to get upset about.

It's like 10% of the population.

What the fuck you think you're doing to me, man?

Noooo, man, that's the best white man ever for a young pup!

America for white

America for black

Send those apes back to the tree

Shift those niggers back

Ring that bell, shout for joy

White man's day is here

Folks are ready for the trip

We won't shed a tear

What the hell am I doing to write this?

You know I don't love a nice colored folk anymore

Oh my god

Yeah, he's hitting him with a pail.

With a pail?

Yeah.

He drowns in a pail.

Tote this water.

Tote this water?

Tote this bar.

What is it?

Tote that bards?

Tote that bale?

I'm glad they're here, though, because they write way better rap music than white guys.

They sure do.

Better than that Pimps.

If they weren't black guys, we'd be like,

Change your mind.

Shit like that.

Oh, that snow song.

Snow.

He was from Canada.

Yeah, he was white.

I'm saying he wasn't even American.

Sean Ward.

That's Sean Ward.

Sean Ward is snow.

And snow.

How we gonna find Africa, man?

We ain't got no cluppers.

How we gonna find that island, man?

That island?

It's gonna sound black.

It's a black island.

The fall white.

The fall black.

They back to the tree.

Shit those niggers back.

I was seriously sitting here redialing and redialing this stupid number.

All my life's

This song is going to end before we even get the call out.

Now it's peeping!

Shit those niggas back

Ring that bell, shout for joy

White man's the year

Niggas' civil rights

Led by niggas where

America for white

America for black

No date back to the tree

Shit those niggas back

Ring that bell, shout for joy

White man's the year

Sounds like no manner

To lock city streets

Of niggas will be clear

America for white

We'll be all white, have a cup of black, and donate back to the tree, shit those niggas back there.

America will be all white, the land we love so dear.

Hello, how are you doing?

Alright.

Good. How fresh are the hot dogs tonight?

Fresh what? Pack and W.

One pack and W?

Yeah. What do you want to hear?

How fresh the hot dogs are, so I can come in and get a hot dog.

Yeah, it's fresh.

It's fresh? Are you making them now? Can you start some up for me now?

Well, they have a full of, uh, the whole, uh, grill is full with the fresh, uh, hot dog, but, uh, you know, that's just put, like, a pit and a half, and I will go.

Whatever you say, buddy. Sounds great.

Okay, thank you, Bob.

No! Uh, Cuban, do you have, ah!

Very, very, very fresh.

Let's call 7-Eleven in Compton. Maybe he's more friendly.

Because, you know, those Indian people in Compton would be happy.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

I don't know when to get out of here, Cadet.

The number you have entered is not fired.

Please try again.

Please enter the number you wish...

I hear you talking, man.

Live it one day at a time.

It ain't nothing but a thing, though, bro.

I'm a fool.

I'm a party.

I'm a ride.

I know where you're from.

All right, Cadet.

Take it easy, baby.

Stay up for it.

Peace.

Finally.

I don't know.

Hey, how you doing, buddy?

Hi.

As-salamu alaykum.

Okay, great.

Who's that?

Yeah, it's me.

How many hot dogs do you have on the grill right now?

Huh?

How many hot dogs do you have on the grill right now?

Who's calling?

My name is Carlito, and I'd like some hot dogs.

I'm wondering how many you have on the grill.

Hello.

No, but who's speaking?

Just anybody call and ask a question or anything?

Yeah, exactly.

That's what she said.

Yeah.

How many hot dogs are on the grill?

Come on, hurry up.

Who's speaking?

Carlito.

Call me Joel for where?

Uh, from the 7-Eleven store down the street, store number 1215.

You need the ready hot dogs or what?

No, no, no, no, no. We have a guy here. We ran into hot dogs. He wants to see if he can come down. He needs five of them.

Yeah, I have enough.

You have enough? Are they fresh? He wants to make sure they're fresh.

Ten, ten. I have ten.

Ten? When did you guys put them on there?

I just put it on.

Okay. Hey, can you let me borrow your mop?

Mop?

Yeah, we ran out of toilet paper and we also need a mop.

All right, no problem.

Well, can you bring it over here?

I bring it?

Yes.

You need it and we bring it?

I'll give you some gas money.

We'll just take it out of the tank.

No, thank you so much.

We don't have anybody to...

No, no, no.

I'll give you the gas.

I'll trade you some gasoline.

What gas?

Nobody...

Everybody's without car here.

Well, premium gas.

Nobody has a car to drive there, man.

Well, get on your elephant.

Oops.

No, no cars here.

What do you need to do?

Everybody stop my cars, Captain.

Jesus, God.

We have got a King Bingo ticket.

Daisy Muffin the Clown in Antioch, Illinois.

Daisy Muffin the Clown.

That's sick.

I'm going to complain about her name.

Who can enter the number you wish to call?

Maybe it's a woman or a man.

It's got to be a man.

It's got to be a woman.

Did you know I know you?

Yeah, I know you.

You have four hours and ten minutes.

Last time I saw you, you was brewed up, booed up, ready for a new fuck.

Last time you saw me, I was P.I. to the motherfucking M.P.

What? And lately I heard you's a broke bitch living in a lower class suburb

Hello? Hello, Daisy? Yes? Daisy, you're a clown, correct? Right.

What are your credentials like? I'm looking for a serious clown. For what?

For a birthday party. For what age is your child?

Well, we're going to have everywhere from four years old until thirteen. He's turning ten.

Four years old, okay. Okay. When are you free?

And when is the party? Whenever you want. Whenever you're free.

Where are you located?

I'm here in town, Antioch.

You're in Antioch, right?

Yeah.

We just moved from LaGrange, LaGrange, LaGrange.

When is your child's birthday?

It's supposed to be next week, but we're thinking about maybe we can postpone it if we need to the party.

It's not a big deal.

He's a bratty little kid anyway.

Daisy, I have to tell you honestly, what are your credentials, though?

Please, I need to know.

My credentials are, there are no credentials for a clown.

I've just tell you that I've been a clown for 17 years okay okay and I've

gone to several clown trainings which are like weekend seminars and that's

okay do you have an HIV test you don't well about tuberculosis or anything like

that Daisy Daisy Daisy give me your answer do

No, she's still there.

I can feel her.

Please enter the number.

I told you, I heard a click.

As soon as you said HIV, she's on the phone.

Yeah, four hours, eleven minutes.

HIV's usually a mood killer when it comes to...

Nancy.

Or Daisy Muffin.

Daisy Muffin the clown.

Oh, shut up.

I guess you shouldn't have asked Daisy if she had an HIV test.

Yeah, it is raining pretty seriously out there.

It's pouring.

Yeah, we didn't get rain for months and months, and that is windy and all that shit.

What the hell's that?

You drinking beer?

Ice house?

Yeah, Milkman just flew by.

Milkman just flew by.

I built a balloon out of my undershorts.

Ooh, Wawa Food Markets.

All right, in New Jersey.

You know how Prankmaster called at 9 a.m. on Friday?

No, I didn't know that.

Do you have any idea what he would do?

Is there any reason you think some asshole would do that?

I told him to call me, but I didn't know he'd call me here.

Was this last week while we were going to the...

The airport.

Yeah, after that.

I wasn't even here anyway.

I don't know what the hell that's all about.

No.

Oh, that sucks.

No, I don't know what he calls for.

Honestly, he knows I hate him.

He's a bastard.

I like him, though.

Whenever we talk, I feel that we have good conversations.

He's nice to me.

How about the Donut and Muffin Factory?

An Indian guy answered there.

Hmm, think it's a real factory?

Yeah.

Let's call them now.

Hang on, everybody.

Donut and Muffin Factory.

The Donut and Muffin Factory?

Yes.

I'm a little...

I'm great.

How are you?

What's your name?

Can I have you, sir?

Yeah, you can.

What's your name?

My name?

How do you spell that?

How do you want to know?

The best way?

Bullshit.

Bullshit?

Uh-huh.

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T?

B-U-N-C-H-I-T-H.

B-U-N-C-H-I-T-H-E-H-T-H-E-H?

Hey, may I have you?

Yeah, donuts, right?

Yeah.

What's the most popular donut you have there?

Now I close.

I don't care.

I reopen again tomorrow, 4 a.m.

That's what we're talking, 4 a.m.?

Yeah, can I make an order, maybe pick something up around 5?

Okay.

How many does that say?

I don't want to, you know, get you crazy.

Let's say like three dozen.

Three dozen.

Right.

Okay.

Three dozen assorted?

Yes.

Assorted.

Okay.

What time you pick up?

Five o'clock?

Yeah.

Five o'clock.

Tomorrow.

Three dozen assorted.

Okay.

Can you give your phone number to me, please?

What's your assortment like?

Can you explain that to me?

What were we talking about?

Glazed doughnuts?

That's not very assorted.

Glazed doughnuts assorted.

Assorted look like mix it.

Mix it?

Okay.

Every kind.

Every kind? What kind of donuts do you have? You don't understand me.

Uh, what do you want?

The assorted one, I'm asking, what do you have, what's your assortment? What kind of donuts?

Assorted look like maple bar, chocolate bar, twist, like that.

Uh-huh.

Raspberry feel, lemon feel.

Curry goat?

Uh-huh.

Look like be a claw, like that.

Oh, a claw.

Yeah.

Apple frill.

Yeah, apple frill.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, so three dozen of those, right?

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Okay, look, I don't want any hair in that, though.

Last time I went down there, there was a lot of hair in these donuts.

When you come here, you pray by yourself, okay?

A lot of donuts.

Can I use my hands?

No, you just point to my sister or my brother.

Oh, your sister.

They will pray for you.

How old is your sister?

I don't know.

You don't know how old your sister is?

Uh-huh.

My sister-in-law.

In-law?

I don't know.

Is she hot?

You ask her, okay?

Well, you tell me.

You know her.

Can I smell your fingers when I go down there?

Yeah.

Okay.

What are they going to smell like?

Every kind that you like, you can point to him or to her.

Okay.

Her point to you, okay?

Yeah.

Do you have...

Are your fingers gonna smell like punani or anything like that?

What'd you say?

Are your fingers going to smell like punani?

Uh, I don't understand.

I don't know speak English very well, okay?

Are you married?

That's three, yeah.

Do you have a bitch?

Where is the gun?

Oh.

Wow.

Oh, he put me in a hole, that thing.

Oh, he did?

I hope he did.

I'm gonna sit here and wait.

Yeah, I brushed it.

Hello.

Hey, you're back.

Somebody call one other line.

Three dozen or so dead, okay?

Yeah, but I'm asking about your wife.

My wife?

Yes.

Was it an arranged marriage?

Not yet.

In my country.

You working on it?

No.

No?

She live at my country yet.

I still sponsor her from my country.

You want to call her?

I don't have time, you know.

What's her name?

My name .

No, no, no.

What's her name?

Your wife name?

I don't want tell you.

Oh, it's okay.

I'm not going to find her.

I'm not an Indian.

Because I hurry.

I stay, wait for one other guy, call other line, you know?

Yeah, well, you think I'm going to steal your wife away?

If you want to talk with me tomorrow, okay, in the morning.

Let me ask you a question.

What's wrong with, you know, good fat Americans making donuts like back in the day?

Why are you guys trying to take our jobs in America, too?

You know what I mean?

I mean, you took all our call center jobs.

Now you got to make donuts, too?

What's that all about?

But you talk about my family, I don't want to tell you, okay?

Hey, you let Americans make the donuts, okay? You know, we handle that.

I know, but I have a busy time. Somebody call other line, you know?

Yeah, but I don't want you to make donuts anymore, okay?

Okay, that's okay.

Well, you're gonna stop?

Stop now, right?

You stop yes, no, or what?

That's okay, up to you, okay?

No, it's up to me. Three dozen, right?

Okay.

I want them made by an American, not by you.

I don't understand.

time. Well, I'm tired. You're outsourcing donuts. Why? We make good donuts. We don't

need Indian donuts. I'm sorry. I'm busy, okay? I'm busy, too. You want donut, okay? Yes.

You don't want, okay? I don't want the okay donuts. I want the assorted donuts. Okay. See

you tomorrow, okay? I'll see you now. Now no donut. It's too late. I'm about five minutes

away. I'm sorry. I don't have donut now. I close, okay? I don't have donut. I sold out.

I'm gonna make the doughnuts. It's okay. Just let me in the back.

Okay.

See you. All done. Okay?

Bye.

Five minutes.

Okay.

Oh, nice. Probably wasn't that funny.

Um, I'm gonna call a casino, but it's gonna be loud, dude.

Walmart, Walmart, Walmart.

McDonald's or Redmond, Walmart.

Call a subway at Walmart again.

Okay.

As soon as the lady comes back, we'll do that.

Angel Delir says to ask him about camels, ask if they fuck them, and whether they can make some camel babies.

Wow.

Very mature of you.

you. Very good, angel dealer. No one's ever

thought of that one. Tenactin

Antifungal Company. This is an answer machine

that will answer, hopefully. I want you to

cuss into the answer machine. There's a fat guy

named Tom that works there, and he's

a dickhead. People say shit about him because

he is so nasty. Just if

you can try to say the filthiest fat

insults that you can think of

against this guy. Well, Andy, all he has to do is talk about me.

Um, wedgies.

Wedgies? What the fuck is wedgies?

I screwed that up. The lady isn't coming

back. Hang on, I'm gonna reconnect this.

The phone car later didn't come back.

Anyway.

Okay.

When I call that subway Walmart again, that's where it's at.

Goddamn, it's windy out there.

What's that all about?

Is there a hurricane coming through that I didn't know about?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Lightning.

Is Milt Man still in the Bahamas?

I don't know where the hell he is.

He said he hooked the cell phone up to his computer, and then he was going to be calling

in and joining us tonight.

I thought it was a bad idea.

I don't know what happened.

I don't think that works, though.

You can't go on a computer cell phone.

He was doing it.

Really?

Yeah, it was over the weekend.

He was listening to Sean Ward.

Sean Ward had a good show.

I'm downloading dog porn.

Sean was...

That Rottweiler's home like a moose.

You know, Sean Ward actually got

What's-His-Face to answer,

Sulu, what's-his-George-to-Kai.

Wow, really?

He actually answered and talked to him.

What did he say?

I don't know.

I wasn't listening.

I was on the road.

I heard on the hotel, though,

but I didn't hear that.

Oh, that sucks.

Oh, he stopped everything for nothing.

Okay.

Okay, Noonu wants me to call Freddy Phelps or something like that.

What's that all about?

Hang on.

Man, it's always the same thing.

I'm going to try to open it here.

What's he sending me?

He sent me a link with the phone numbers on there.

Is that what it is?

I'll try to open that in a second.

Hang on.

Zinko sent me a number for Coco the Mega Funtime Clown.

All right.

Ron Christie.

Tell him you wanted to escape from a fishbowl.

Escape from a fishbowl.

I want you to jump into a fishbowl and then escape.

We're going to drown you and see if you come back from life.

David Blaine, huh?

Yeah.

Failure.

My brother loved that special.

He thought it was excellent.

Yeah.

I didn't watch it.

He deleted it off our DVR before I got a chance to.

I think we have it here, too.

He said David Blaine was in Vegas and the black guys were going crazy.

Yeah, they were, actually.

Oh, my God!

Oh, he's like Jesus, yo.

Yeah, that was stupid.

He was taking people's teeth off and stuff?

Yeah, he said that he saw them.

Oh no, that's all fake, man.

He's got like some kind of black powder on his thumb and he rubbed down the bitch's teeth.

Yeah, I don't know what the hell I was looking for.

If he does that to me, I'll punch him in his throat.

Yeah, I can give you that.

Punch him in his...

What the hell is a solar plexus? I've heard of that before.

Oh, your stomach.

We haven't had a caller yet.

Hello?

Hello, um, this is the clown.

Uh, what, uh, what did you need?

I need clown services.

Yeah?

What kind of services do you provide?

What are you looking for?

Clown services.

Funny, ha-ha, you know, stuff like that.

It's midnight, so I'm asking what, you know, is it for a party or...

Yeah, a party, a party.

No, what, you think I'm going to have you come over here and get dinky with me?

No, it's for a party.

Hello, ma'am?

Yeah.

Okay.

Is this Coco?

Yeah, just a moment.

Somebody looking for clown service.

Just a moment.

Hello.

Hi.

Coco?

Yes.

Okay, you're the clown, right?

I do the clowning, yes.

Okay, can I have your credentials, please?

Can I have your credentials?

Credentials?

Credentials, yeah.

What do you mean, credentials?

Well, what's your history? Like a resume.

Oh, a resume?

Yeah.

Okay, that's going on my website.

I don't have the internet.

Oh, you don't have internet?

No. Can you just tell me where you went to school or college or whatever?

I didn't go to college.

If I went to college, I'd be smart.

Okay, so you didn't go to clown comedy?

How did, what, just buy a suit and act funny?

No, no, we went to clown, uh, we did Clowns Canada.

Like, we worked at Clowns Canada.

Clown Canada?

Yeah.

Okay, so you're from Canada, then?

Yeah, Clown Canada, New Brunswick.

Can you speak up a little bit, sir? You're breaking up a little bit.

New Brunswick, Canada.

Okay. Are you an African-American gentleman, sir?

Is this a joke or what?

No, I'm really, I need clown services.

You need clown services?

Yeah, but I see your name is Coco. I'm just asking if you're black or not.

No.

You're not black.

So why the name Coco? Do you want to be black?

You're asking kind of funny questions.

Well, no. I was wondering if maybe you could put on black makeup and huge red lips and call yourself Coco.

I'm a white-faced clown.

White-faced clown?

We do birthday parties.

Birthday parties, okay.

We're in Bathurst, New Brunswick.

Okay. All right.

Where are you calling from?

I'm from Bathurst, north side of town.

Who's this? Is that your rabbit talking on the phone?

Coco Christie.

Okay, who's this now?

My name is Ron Mexico.

I'm Mexican. You're just joking here.

I'm not mad.

Look, are you serious or not?

Do you want to get a job or not?

Come on, I know you clowns need work.

Right now, I'm not able to work right now.

Okay.

Well, can we try to, like...

We want to put you in a fishbowl and...

We want to put you in an oversized fishbowl and drown you.

Yeah.

I'm going for major surgery, so...

Major surgery?

For what?

What for?

Your knee?

No.

Do you have a rabbit stuck somewhere?

Have a good night.

Sex change?

Shut up.

We're arguing with each other now.

Who calls you a cocksucker?

I don't know.

What was that?

Hello.

What kind of clown calls me a cocksucker, man?

I should report him to the clowns.

Who said that?

I don't know.

Some of those are like, hey, you fucking cocksucker.

You fucking cocksucker.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

It's called wedgies.

The number you have entered is not valid.

Please try again.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

You have three hours, 54 minutes.

What's that all about?

I don't know.

We're into the show, Andy.

Twang Chang.

Oh, yeah.

They've been calling her all week.

He's gonna spell like David Blay.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, A-I-N-E.

Yeah, there's an I in there, poop.

Mm-hmm.

Wedgies, Terry.

Hey, wedgies.

Yeah.

What is this, some kind of jokester?

Huh?

Is this some kind of joke?

No, it's the name of a wedgie.

Well, the other day I got this wedgie.

Huh?

What?

Are you listening to Dr. Dre in the background, sir?

Yes.

You got the feeling, motherfucker.

Is this, what kind of establishment, is this a black establishment?

Uh, no, it's a bar.

A bar?

And you're listening to Dr. Dre?

Or just dance music on.

dance music

you're dancing to that

how do you dance to this

I don't know

do you put your guns in the air

wave them like you don't care

hang up on me

oh buddy

let's have a caller call in

get a free phone call

first one in

yeah

call in

call in now

yeah

whoever wants to call in

call in now

the toll free line is

1-888-278-8509

Ronnie the Clown

who we just called

his son called us a cocks

oh his son

they're from the deepest

of deep ghetto

he said they're from the ghetto

Wow.

Is he a ghetto in Canada?

I guess so.

I don't think they live there.

I think he's from Canada, but he moved to the ghetto.

No, I think you said he was from Canada.

Right now?

No, he lived in Canada.

Oh, yeah?

Wow.

They're misspelling Blaine.

Yeah, that's not how you spell Blaine.

B-L-A-I-N-E.

You're not going to find David Blaine's phone number.

Yeah, he's banging supermodels.

He's not going to talk to you.

Yeah.

He's got the most unexciting voice anyway.

I don't buy him.

I'm sure everybody knows, but I have my own ABC special next week.

he's called

Escaper and Depression

and he shoots himself

yeah

I got a gun

and a bunch of pills

and it's like

what will he do

what will he do this time

how will he do it

yeah

X and X Lounge

if he can make penis sculptures

that's funny

yeah that's funny

yo that's funny yo

um

Chubby Nummies Junkie

Chubby's Hamburgers

Friggles Bar

I can't even get anyone to call in

oh yeah

it's not a call in

there's some nights

that no one calls in

I know but I like

talking to callers

it's the only time

How am I talking on the phone?

Yeah, that's right.

I guess so.

When are you going to get a cell?

You've got to get a cell phone out.

You're going to be a trucker.

Yeah, it'll be soon.

After I'm trucking.

Excited about that?

Sure.

I'm going to make some good money doing that, man.

I'm going to get some lot lizards.

You're going to do some side work?

Yeah.

Transport some heroin?

No.

If you do that and you get caught, you lose your license for your entire life.

Oh, my God.

Really?

Yeah.

They won't let you do it.

Then I guess I'll have to go back to being depressed.

All right.

Right, yeah, because the trucker life is really not depressing.

Yeah, I would be fine.

I don't like people.

That's true.

Yeah, you know, I guess it would be a good vacation.

I'm probably the most perfectly suited for it of anyone.

I get to drive around, and, you know, I don't have to talk to people

or be nice or anything like that.

And, you know, you stop and get a hamburger,

and then you stop and get some chocolate-covered peanuts,

and then you go to sleep.

And then you go blowjob from a lot lizard.

There you go.

Drink a couple beers.

What else do you need?

Yeah, that's fine.

It's a good life.

Yeah.

And then, you know, I'll visit the dead.

Hey, auntie, what's going on, man?

You got to visit Zolar and stuff like that.

Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, you don't got love for Zolar.

Well, I mean, if I go hang out with Zolar, I'll get myself in trouble.

Like, I'll be, like, on all sorts of drugs and stuff.

I'm sure the dead, he just hangs out with his mom all day, so, like, he can't get me in trouble at all.

Hey, mom, guess what's coming on?

It's the new episode of Scrubs.

Scrubs?

You think you didn't watch Scrubs?

Yeah, high-tough squubs.

Zinko says the ghettos in Canada are not very shabby.

They're like middle-class.

Yeah, they're really nice.

Oh, no.

Families of eight living in them on fat Canadian welfare checks.

Yeah, see, I want to go to Canada and get on welfare.

That's the American dream right there.

Yeah.

Oh,

Oh, you have to give out the number.

People don't have the number.

Yeah, 888-278-8599.

That's it.

888-278.

I'm typing in the chat room.

8-5-0-9.

Nine.

And ultra-price.

We need an emergency guest caller.

Yeah, exactly.

We need a guest caller, please.

And there'll be some kid.

This is going to mess things up.

Hang on.

I'll be mean to him for a minute, and then we'll go ahead and let him call someone.

That's how we usually do it.

Exactly.

I say hi, and I'm nice, and Andy's mean to you and makes fun of you.

Because I hate you.

And we ask you something about school, and then we do a prank call.

What did you learn in geography class this week?

I learned that the United States has 50 states.

What's going on with Israel this week, Andy?

I don't know.

Anything exciting?

Israel.

Tell us about the news.

What did I hear this week?

Oh, I've read that there's a lot of gangs in the United States Army now.

I was reading that.

Yeah, Chicago gangs, right?

Yeah, Chicago gangs rule the Army.

West Side?

Mm-hmm.

Actually, it's South Side?

It's South Side.

Yeah, South Side of Chicago is a real nasty part.

Really?

Yeah.

The Dead, I heard that The Dead is a gangster crip.

I didn't know that.

I'm making fun of him.

He's even listening to me.

He's even listening.

Yeah, he's even making fun of him.

I think that The Dead is a gangster crip.

Yeah, even when he's not around, we make fun of that kid.

I love that kid.

I wish he would call him.

Why isn't he calling into that?

He's listening.

He's on the chat room.

I mean, he's on the AOL, but he's on the chat room.

He's probably...

I don't like making fun of you.

Fuck you, guys.

Fuck you.

Andy.

Fuck you.

Yeah.

Andy, you're the dick.

Yeah.

You sure you got the 1-800 number turned on?

I don't know.

You want to test it?

I don't know.

I don't have a cell phone around me.

I don't know.

Let me open it up.

Let me open it.

Hey, while I do that, I can play that Colbert thing.

Go for it.

I've got to take a piss anyway.

All right, good.

We're going to do that.

We've got plans now.

We've got plans.

And if you call in while we're running Colbert, we'll...

I'm going to play this real quick while I make sure the toll-free line is open.

Let's take a quick break here.

A little interlude while we regroup.

Special edition of the Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Before I begin, I've been asked to make an announcement.

announcement um whoever parked 14 black bulletproof suvs out front uh could you please move them

they're blocking in 14 other black bulletproof suvs they need to get out that house you're on

the air what's up who we talking to clone home grown what's up man how you doing

yeah how long you been listening to uh pcu out of curiosity probably about six months

six months you just start going to the chat room now yeah recently all right okay

Just recently. That's cool. That's cool. So what's going on man? Well, you're uh, where do you live?

What part of town are you in? Well, not town, but where's that?

Yeah, yeah, there is a color. He's got a cool last name too. Sounds like a gun. It's a cloned homegrown

The bond American dream right there

Yeah, you actually grow your own weed do what you grow your own weed or is that like just you know

I'm fancy used to

Yeah, you could do it out there

I always, like, I always wanted to do it, but, like, I heard it smell, like, so much that, like, people just walking by, like, you smell it, and you call the cops on you.

Just outside?

Right?

Yeah, if you grow it outside, it's going to be garbage, right?

You buried a trailer, like, in the ground?

See, I would just use that for, like, watching porno and masturbating.

You need to go to the underground trailer.

I'm too lazy to actually grow weed in it.

I think it's kind of uncomfortable.

But then that all dried up, huh?

Because you guys had a falling out, and you killed him, and you buried him there.

You buried him in the trailer.

You killed him and you locked him in a trailer?

He locked him in a trailer and covered it up.

Yeah.

Good deal.

Yeah, watch him.

Yeah, watch him pour his fun.

Where do you live now?

You smoke Reggie there or what?

Think you scared him away?

Yeah.

Hello?

Yeah.

You smoke Reggie in Texas?

He's thinking of Reggie.

Yeah, regular weed like Texas, like Mexico weed.

Yes, weed.

You don't smoke that rat weed, do you?

Like Carlito does?

Every now and then.

Yeah, see I only smoke like crappy like good stuff.

I don't like that chemical weed.

He used to, like, really tear my throat and my lungs up.

I haven't smoked weed in two weeks, man.

I haven't smoked in two months.

I just smoke it now.

How old are you, Cloned?

Is he still going strong?

I went good for, like, a good six years, and then I was like, I have to get off of it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not that strong of a person, though.

It's fucking, it's in my blood for a long time.

Yeah, well, my dad used to be a hustler, too.

Your dad?

Yeah, my dad used to sell back in the day.

Doesn't he fix air conditioning, too?

Yeah, he does now.

Does he sell Freon?

No.

Back when we first moved to Florida, my dad used to actually sell illegal Freon.

He used to get it from work, and then he would sell it on the side.

I remember we had a bunch of it in the garage.

He sold Freon.

Yeah.

But then back when I was a kid, I remember neighborhood kids,

they'd break into your air conditioner and snort it, Deltona, when we were kids.

Yeah, I heard about it.

I heard about it a few times.

Yeah, that sucks, though.

You snort a lot of Freon.

We hear you, fuckers.

What did you say?

We hear you.

Oh.

That's your fault.

Yeah, we can barely hear you.

You're just stoned, man.

Yeah, we blame you.

So what kind of bong are you hitting there?

Is it a design or is it just a certain color?

You got a baker?

Three-foot bubbler.

Three-foot bubbler?

How much does that cost?

That's not too bad.

I used to have this buddy.

Actually, the guy used to get weed off for a little bit.

He had a bubbler that cost like 500 bucks.

It was like a dragon.

It was the coolest thing ever.

It didn't hit that good, though.

What do you think about that?

What's your monthly weed budget, would you say?

I'm gonna just drop a month on marijuana how much you could tell us back back

um like a few months ago when I was still smoking I was around a good 600

800 a month holy shit yeah serious probably yeah Wow you beat you got that

beat though don't you you got that beat I used to like my good hookups all went

away sometimes man's drying up around here

lately actually I understand this is always this time of year right doesn't

usually drop this on your side on smoking is bad for your health he

He doesn't know how to do it.

Saigon's a slant, I see.

Yeah, he's a slant.

Wait, do you Saigon?

Saigon, everybody.

Karate chops himself.

Karate chops himself in a Nutsault truck.

My name's Saigon.

Is he the dead's brother?

I believe that.

I believe it.

Probably is the dead.

I'm honest with you.

Yeah, people take me seriously.

All right, clone homegrown.

That's pretty good.

You want to do a prank call,

You're kind of just kind of the kind of guy.

What kind of numbers have I got?

Let's see here.

We got Walmart.

We got a Fugly Bar and Grill.

We got a Chubby Hamburger.

Chubby's Hamburger.

It's called Walmart, man.

Walmart.

Hell yeah.

It's called Walmart.

I lost my Chihuahua in the aisle.

There you go.

There's something to run with.

All right.

Okay.

We'll play this here for you.

You won't be able to hear this, but we'll see if we can find a weed-esque song.

Do you have a request for a song while we set you up here?

Is it something you like to smoke to?

Maybe I have it, maybe I don't.

Fuckin' the shit.

Alright, there it is.

Well, I'll play this here.

We'll be right back everybody, hang on.

Well, maybe not in Colorado.

Oregon.

Dallas, Oregon?

What do you call 7-Eleven?

Who's got that?

Or a casino?

I got two casinos we haven't called yet.

Whoa!

First one, 84-7.

Yeah.

That's a hell of a bet.

Isn't that weird?

Hang on, let's call this casino here.

Continuity.

Continuity, is that what you said?

Hello?

What's in there?

We have no slot machine here.

Oh, you don't have slots?

Well, uh...

What's up?

What'd you switch the phones your wife was saying?

You're married?

You're married, dude?

I can't believe someone's married in 20 years.

You're 20 and married.

Most of our listeners are 14 and masturbating ferociously.

Now, what casino doesn't have sloths?

What the hell is that all about?

That's fucked up.

That's a faggot-ass casino.

Clone, does your wife smoke out, too?

Hang on a minute.

I'm sure she's chief off yours.

Yeah, that is fucked up.

I'll money back.

Thank you.

Thank you. Silver Reef Casino in Washington.

James, how can I help you?

Yeah, how you doing?

Good.

I was in there earlier. I was playing your slot machine.

Uh-huh.

And I had a puppy on my leash, you know, it was a chihuahua.

Hang on a minute.

Okay. You had a chihuahua on the leash.

Yeah, it got off the leash and somehow I was, you know, busy gambling my ass away.

It got off the leash and just wandered off. I was wondering if anybody had seen it.

It was in the casino?

Yes, sir.

Hey, I snuck it in. I didn't know we were supposed to have dogs or not, you know, so I just snuck it in under my shirt.

Hang on a second.

It's a groove thing, Andy.

Showing them how I do it.

This is how I do it.

Your pants better be fine.

How you doing? Do you have a dog in here?

Yes, there's a missing Chihuahua.

Inside our casino or on the property?

Yes, inside. His name's Peppy. He likes cat food.

Okay. I don't see no dog in here.

You don't see no dog?

No.

Well, he's really tiny, you know, so he could be anywhere.

You got a phone number I can reach you at?

Uh, let me think.

No, I don't.

Can't help you very much then, can I?

You can't?

No, not really.

Well, my dog's, like, in the casino.

Well, if you give me your phone number, I'll call you back if I find it.

How's that?

Uh, I don't know about all that.

I don't know you that well.

Oh, okay.

Well, have a good day, sir.

All right.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Let me try one here, if you don't mind holding.

I'm going to call.

We called wages already.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Earthdog wants me to call some karaoke bar. Hang on here.

Zola shit his pants?

Zola was on the round table, he farted and almost shit his pants.

Earthdog says Zola shit his pants.

Almost shit his pants. We'll just say he shit his pants.

Yeah, Zola shit his pants.

Hello?

Hey, karaoke bar?

Yes it is.

Okay, am I able to bring in my own CDs?

Uh, yes you can.

Okay, cause I was down there and I was looking at your little selection thing there.

And I noticed you didn't have any classical music on your selection.

Okay, I'd like to do some karaoke as, like, Mozart. Mozart, man.

Whatever. Come on down.

Okay. Hey, I talked to you already, didn't I, last week?

Oh, fucking asshole.

Key West asshole.

Faggots.

Faggots of Key West.

You KDK motherfuckers.

KDK half-fag motherfuckers.

Oh, God.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Alright, guys, man, you have fun.

Hey, man, thanks for calling in.

Alright, later on, clone.

We like you because you're older than us

Say hi to your wife for me

Alright

Yeah

Smoking weed

Yeah

Nothing wrong with that Andy

That's what I'm probably going to be doing in two years

Smoking weed, married

And listening to prank calls

Making prank calls even

That's a step up

Yeah

He should

He's a pretty funny guy

I like that his chihuahua is missing

Yeah, don't you guys chase him off, man.

You always chase off the good talent around here.

Yeah, 12-year-olds.

12-year-old pricks.

I'm his wife.

And greats.

And they're all mad at him just because he gets laid.

You suck, man.

Fuck you.

Yeah, asshole.

Okay.

All right, well, we got Zolar shitting his pants, apparently.

Yeah, I hear Zolar shitting his pants.

The problem is when I download it, it's going to make the trip here for a little bit.

Well, they can deal with it.

I'm probably jumping right now.

Too bad, folks.

Give it a second.

If you get really mad, blame Earthdog.

Yep, it's all Earthdog's fault.

It's his idea.

He wants everyone to hear that his heroes all are a fart.

So how do you think it happened?

Do you think Zola actually, you know, put his ass onto the microphone and said,

I'm going to fart and farted?

I hope not.

I hope he just farted and, like, it got picked up by the mic.

Yeah, exactly.

Kind of like, uh...

Is he doing a show tomorrow night?

Uh...

I didn't listen.

Did he do one last Friday night?

No, he didn't.

I was out of town for one hour and a half and he didn't.

I heard he was going to.

That's what Lego Lye does.

Lego's always lying, man.

He's a big liar.

I would, too, and I almost did once.

Really?

He's not even around. Is he around tonight?

No, I haven't heard from him.

He didn't do a show last Friday, either.

Look at the chair room's dead.

We got me and Madman are the ops.

No KDK, no K-Bone, no nothing.

Nobody of any significance is in the chat room today.

Everybody who's in the chat room is not that cool.

Where's little evil Neo, the one girl who listens to this show?

She doesn't either.

The one person who helps our ratio out.

Yeah, I know where she keeps her quota.

That and Sagan.

He's got a big, juicy vagina.

That's what I hear.

Nothing wrong with that.

You want to take a break real quick and see if we can salvage something?

Something?

We can do that.

Let me try to download this first.

Where are my downloads at?

Hang on.

Let me go on throughout.

Save to disk.

Okay.

It's now 1132 Eastern.

If you want to call in, again, the toll-free line is 1-888-278-8509.

It's a toll-free call, no charge to you.

You are more than welcome to call in tonight and tell us what you think.

Okay, here we go.

The Zolar fart.

Okay, Zolar farting.

There we go.

Zolar, who normally used to.

Does no wrong.

Does no wrong and used to host a show here on, what, Friday nights,

and now he's off doing other things, I guess.

He's working with the serious satellite radio people with Howard 100.

Maybe he'll get us jobs.

Maybe he can.

You know what?

You know, that's a really good point.

Wait, he definitely could just go to therapy and go through the motions.

I mean, what's it going to take?

An hour a week?

You know, something like that?

Oh, my God.

That was for real.

Dude, I'm sitting next to you.

Oh, man, there's people in the room.

That's just fucking rude, bro.

Tim's on the round table.

Zolar, go out in the hallway and do that shit.

Tim, you're on the Super Fam round table.

Don't let him match.

Guys.

Good for Zolar, man.

Good for Zolar.

Making an impression.

Zolar's just pissed off they haven't even gotten to his own show yet.

He just decided to start ripping farts on the air.

I like that.

On the air.

That's what I would do.

That's the funniest superfan around here.

That's the funniest thing ever.

That show is so unlistenable.

I like Zolarn every day, but I can't listen to that.

I listen to it for Zolarn.

I like, you know what I like on the Stern Networks?

I like the Raleigh-Martin show.

It's funny.

Miserable Men, Every Once in a While is his high points.

And other than that, you just listen to the show and that's it.

You know what really sucks?

I don't listen to that.

I do not like, all he talks about is NASCAR.

Shot in the puss.

Where are you going?

Alright, let's take a quick break

and we'll come back and do a few more prank calls

and maybe talk some shit.

My bladder's empty, so I'm going to chug beer during the break.

Good, I'm going to go remove my bladder as a matter of fact.

Maybe make myself a sandwich.

I'm going to think about how much I wish Milkman was here

and that I could run my hand through his silky white hair right now.

Now people want to call him.

Hopkins.

I think it was his name.

It's only people's last names.

Alright, Dick.

Dickie Hop.

Are we going to talk to him now?

I guess so.

You're on the air.

Dick.

Hey.

Hey, what's up, Dick?

What's up, Dick?

Not a whole lot.

All right.

Seriously, who are we talking to?

Huh?

Who are we talking to?

Who's on the air?

This is Dick.

Dick.

Tricky Dick?

Dick who?

Tricky Dick.

Dick Saigon?

What's that?

Dick Saigon?

Dick Saigon.

Dick Hunglo?

Okay.

So what's going on?

That's rude.

Yeah, that is very rude.

I know.

That's okay.

Holy shit.

Holy shit indeed.

So where are you from, man?

Where am I from?

Yeah.

I'm from Cali.

Cali. North or South Cali?

What? North or South Cali?

North. Yeah.

That's, that's, that's, that's. Yeah, we don't like

South Cali. Yeah, that's all desert.

South California, that, it sucks below

Bakersfield. The whole thing can

fall into the ocean. Yeah. That's what I say.

Hey, we like you, Dick. Yeah.

My kind of, my kind of listener right here.

Wow. I don't know, man.

Your man's all our, he wasn't good on the

radio, man. Oh, you've listened to the

series? You heard him on there, or you just heard the

clip right now? I don't know. I heard him on there.

I thought that was, like, one of the best farts ever.

But I don't think Superfan...

Well, the fart was great.

He just copped up too much.

It sounded like there's, like, some Hershey squirt in his drawers.

I really think he had to change his underwear when he was done with that.

Probably.

But, yeah, the Superfan roundtable, it's just not...

I don't think you can really be funny on that,

because there's, like, five people,

and, like, none of them are really, like, comedians,

so, like, you know, if...

Oh, it's over. What's going on?

Yeah.

I've got an idea for you.

What's your idea?

Are you able to call multiple lines, like lock down line one and call line two?

Yeah, that would be a lot.

And have the lines go like a freeway?

If you can send us some money.

Well, you can't do it?

Probably not.

I mean, I was with you.

I don't know how.

I thought you did that all the time.

No, that's Zola, doesn't he?

He had like ten people on the line at once.

He's got a very high phone bill, though, kind of thing.

You know what I mean?

I don't have that ability.

Yeah, we live in Florida. We got the roads paved last week, man.

Yeah, we just kept paved roads.

We don't have cheap Mexican labor to get all this stuff set up like you do.

Yeah, exactly. We just got Haitians in there, lazy as hell, man.

They stab us and have sex with our wives.

Yeah, they rape our wives. What's up?

When I was a kid, there were two Chinese restaurants in the town.

One was called Peking and the other Hong Kong.

Was this the 1940s?

It was the 80s.

So we push down line one and call the Peking, push down line two, call the Hong Kong.

So they're like, what's a good idea with multiple lines is calling a mother and a son

and just lock them down, and then they can't figure out who called who,

and then they just get into a discussion.

Yeah, because they're in lockdown.

It's kind of fun.

We should call a women's center and threaten to rape everyone there.

Yeah.

I think that's funnier.

We're going to rape you.

I'm coming down with all my friends and we got our raping sticks on.

We got our raping sticks on?

I got my rape head on and my rape stick in my back pocket.

What do you think about that, Dick?

Sounds good to me.

Am I raping cologne?

I don't think we can do that, Dick. We're not that complicated.

Yeah, we're not that complicated.

We can get you on the phone and then we can call someone else.

We can call one other person. You want to call your mom?

We'll put you on with your mom if you want to talk to Sammy Mother's Day.

No, no, no. I haven't talked to my mom in years.

Go call her and then be like, why'd you call me, yo?

She's right here if you want to talk to her.

That's cool.

Richard!

Come on.

Why don't you talk to your mom?

What's wrong with her?

Did she piss you off?

She left your dad?

Yeah, she pissed me off.

What did she do to you?

Did she leave your dad?

I'm not telling.

Oh, come on.

Tell us.

I'm not telling.

Hey, my mom didn't wipe my ass when I was a kid, and I had shit ass for her until I

was like, hey, and I still love her.

Oh, that's not about that, Aaron.

Yeah, and I overcame that shit ass shitty until I was like, hey, and I figured out

that I could do something myself.

You could do something yourself.

I would go outside, and I'd put the hose on my ass and just spray it.

It kind of feels good.

I did it all the time.

Is that like a garden hose enema?

You're sick.

You know, Dick, you make me sick.

It's sick.

You know, I did that once, and water started squirting out of my mouth.

That's gay.

You're gay.

I'm not gay.

Yeah, right.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I think there is.

Being gay or giving yourself a water hose enema?

Oh, well.

All right.

Hey, where are you guys at?

Florida.

You're in Florida.

We're in Florida.

Orlando.

Central Florida.

Mickey Mouse.

Mickey Mouse School.

Orlando.

Yeah.

Where, Kissimmee?

No, Orlando.

Kissimmee.

You guys ever eat at that Barbecue there?

Yeah, I'm a good friend of his.

Are you really?

Yeah.

Is that his brother who runs that place?

No, Jeff Fox probably owns it.

His brother runs it for him.

That's his brother who works there.

They sell Coke out of the back door.

They got deep fried pickles.

Those are good.

I'll bet you that's good.

Actually, I love deep fried pickles.

You ever had a deep fried candy bar at the fair?

Actually, I used to work at this place and there was an old, old cook who was like a

coke addict, crack addict, so if anything he'd get us, you know, alcoholic, and he would

deep fry candy bars for us all the time.

That's good, though, out here.

No, it's disgusting.

Oh, that's really good.

You get the candy bar with like a...

Like tempura batter, right?

It's like, you know, if you want to eat a candy bar, you don't want it with some fucking

chicken wing batter on it.

It's stupid.

The whole idea is retarded.

Chicken, oh, that's nasty.

But a deep fried pickle is the bomb.

I bet you that is.

That's not good right now.

Yeah, I used to get those when I was a little kid in Chicago.

We used to get those.

Those were the dupe.

The deep-fried pickles in Chicago, huh?

Yeah, I think that's a Chicago thing, man.

No, that's a Southern thing, man.

When I was a little kid in Chicago, I would get my Italian beef and a deep-fried pickle.

Italian beef and a deep-fried pickle.

Yeah.

Was the pickle hot?

Yeah, it was fucking fried, man.

It was hot as hell.

It was frozen.

The whole point wasn't to cook the pickle.

It was to fry it.

You know what I'm saying?

I mean, it wasn't a...

You gotta get that crispiness.

Yeah, I mean, like...

Well, I thought maybe you had the cold pickle,

kind of like the deep-fried ice cream.

You've had that, right?

Yeah, that's Mexican.

I don't like that either.

That's stupid.

Good, man.

They put, like, a coconut on it,

and they drop it in the...

It's the same...

They...

Coconut and brown sugar and cinnamon.

It's the same deep-fryer that they're putting...

It's, like, caramelized, man.

But, dude, it's the same deep-fryer

that they're putting raw chicken, raw fish in,

and all of a sudden they're going to put ice cream in it,

and you're going to like that?

When you go to a restaurant, just think about shit.

You know, how are they cooking ice cream?

I never thought about that.

You're getting ice cream that's cooked in there.

Well, like I'm saying, I worked at a restaurant where we deep-fried our ice cream,

and that's how we did it.

It was in the same fryer that the fucking raw chicken and raw fish went into.

Wait a minute, you deep-fry ice cream?

Are you serious?

Well, you only put it in there for a few seconds, but it's still going in there.

I mean, you're not going to get a disease, but you're going to get a little bit of fishy taste.

Yeah, you get that crusty.

The same fishy taste you would get from the dead mom.

Don't talk to them.

Come on.

I was working at McDonald's when I was a kid.

You still work there.

The deep fryer had an on-off switch right up on my deep fryer.

And it, like, melted and sat.

It told my boss to weigh damn oil.

Yeah, that's fine.

Dude, when we got slow at work, we would sit there and throw ice in it, and it would explode.

Okay, there's a fry guy, because, like, if you're a fry guy at a restaurant, you're at the bottom of the food chain.

You're the lowest guy.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's where you put the crack addicts and the retards.

So they'll be sitting there leaning against the wall, like, off in crackhead la-la land,

and you throw a bunch of ice in right next to them

and they get splattered on their arm and shit.

And they freak out.

Yeah, we used to put all sorts of stuff in it.

I don't go to restaurants and eat deep-fried food.

You put a grasshopper in that fryer?

We put all sorts of shit.

We put bugs in it.

Yeah, bugs.

Anything you find on the floor.

Ice is a big thing.

We put a soda can in there once it exploded.

The whole soda can?

Yeah.

Oh, but that'd be cool.

Yeah, I want to try that.

Yeah, because it got so pressurized that it popped.

All the soda was released.

So you're like a third...

No, I'm 26 years old.

and I'm retired from the restaurant game.

He's retired from the frying game.

I'm retired from the restaurant game.

And when I worked at a restaurant, I was top of the food chain.

I ran the prep master.

Yeah, I was in, like, a big-star steakhouse.

Okay.

Burns.

Stuffed potatoes.

No one heard of Burns.

I made stuffed potatoes all day.

Stuffed potatoes.

That's all you did?

No, I was in charge.

I made the soups and the stuffed potatoes.

You cut onions and stuff like that?

Yeah.

I didn't really do that.

I made other people do that.

And you'd be at your place all the time,

and people will call you like,

yeah, you didn't cut enough peppers or something like that.

People will always be bitching at you.

You don't remember that?

I hear that all the time.

People bitching at you because you didn't do something right.

No, that's not true at all.

I was excellent at my job.

And the only reason I don't work there anymore

is because my boss died and the new boss and I don't get along.

So what's the one in the totem pole, the dishwasher or the fry guy?

No, the dishwasher.

The dishwasher.

Dishwashers aspire to be fry guys.

But above fry guys are a busser.

Like a busser makes a lot.

See, people don't know this, but if you're a kid,

there's no better job in the world than being a busser

because you make like 400 or 500 hours a week, you know,

And all you're doing is picking dishes up off the table and dropping them off in the back.

And you get all the half-eaten bacon you can eat.

Yeah.

Nice.

Yeah, and you get tipped out, you know what I'm saying?

You get tipped out, and you don't do shit.

Busters, that's the job I get.

Truthfully, I should have been a buster, and I could do that for, like, 40 years and be happy.

Yeah.

But I ruined that.

There it is.

I want to hear some more prank calls, guys, so I'm going to let you go.

Okay.

You're not going to make one, Dick?

Huh?

Okay, I'm sorry.

Dick, you're going to make a call or what?

You want me to make a call?

Yeah, Dick.

You're talking all this shit about how great you are.

All right, what you got?

What you got for me?

I've got the Coward Church of God Pars.

I have no idea what this is.

That's South Carolina.

It's South Carolina.

Oh, they just answered.

It's confirmed.

Coward Church of what?

The Coward Church of God Pars.

P-A-R-S.

A redneck guy answered about 15 minutes ago.

Okay.

Okay, we'll do that.

All right, Dick.

You're on the clock.

All right, Dick.

You're on the clock.

Where exactly are you in North California?

Where is this?

Napa Valley?

That's not even North, is it? That's like Central California?

I'm in Modesto.

Modesto, okay.

And I haven't murdered anyone.

Okay, good. All right.

Okay.

That's a good thing.

We'll be right back with the next prank call, everybody.

Everybody get ready, here comes Dick.

Get ready for Dick.

We'll be right back.

They watch me in the country like the race on Sunday

And I wear the crown for them till you take it

I made someone in there for Blue Monster

Who am I speaking?

Who do you want to speak with?

Who is this?

Who do you want to speak with?

I don't know, I was trying to call the church

Okay, you've reached the portion

Oh, I have

Is the Reverend in?

This is the pastor.

The pastor.

Okay.

How are you today, sir?

I am fine.

How about you?

I'm doing well.

I have a little bit of a problem.

I was wondering if you could help me out with.

Okay.

How much notice do you need for a wedding?

My name is Phillip.

Phillip who?

Phillip Wilson.

Yeah.

And I need to get married.

You don't attend the church, do you?

I don't attend regularly.

I do come in, you know, at Christmas and Easter and whatnot.

Coward Church of God.

I'm sorry?

At what church?

At Coward Church of God.

Where do you live at?

I have attended there a time or two.

I'm there right close to you.

Okay.

You have family in the church?

Well, here's the situation.

My daughter has come up pregnant, and, well, there's some question that the baby might be mine.

I think maybe we should get married.

Are you trying to play some kind of prank or something or another?

No, no, no, no, no, no, not at all.

It's, I, I just have to, I, I'm thinking I, I should do the right thing.

The right thing would be for you to get saved.

Well, it might be a little late for that.

It's never too late for that.

But, uh, I, I don't believe I'm gonna be able to help you out, bud.

You don't think so?

Okay.

Uh, no, not.

Have a good night.

Well, thanks anyway.

Well, then.

Well, hell.

All right.

He sums it up well.

Hell.

Oh.

Man, there goes that.

Way to go, dick.

You can't do the number.

You have to call.

Oh, bless me.

Um, why have I not called yet here?

I'm out of numbers.

Does Zolar want to call in?

I think so.

We should, like, let Zolar call in.

Yeah, we should.

Even though we love you, Dick.

Dick.

Please enter the number you reached.

Still there, Dick?

Hey.

I'll call you guys again sometime.

Yeah, catch us next week, man.

Keep listening in.

Yeah, have your friends listen too, Dick.

Stop hitting buttons.

All right, take care, Dick, man.

Thanks for calling in.

It's a half a toss.

Half a toss shit you keep saying.

What's that?

Is that some Australian thing?

No, it's like a toss with that.

Oh, this is a bicep.

Okay.

Well, we're open.

We are open.

I guess Zolar wants to call in, so we'll see if Zolar calls in.

Yeah, we haven't heard from Zolar in weeks, right?

In weeks.

Weeks, man.

It's been like a month since we talked to Zolar.

He moved up.

He moved up in the world.

He's still good to talk to us.

Yeah, I don't know if, man, if Zolar calls in, I'm going to have numbers for him to call.

Lonesome Losers out there, though.

Lonesome, he's looking at porno and stuff right now.

What's a Lonesome Loser in the porno?

I didn't know he was a porno guy.

Let's look at this picture he's posting.

Wow.

This is him.

This is the dead...

Whoa, what the hell is that?

That girl's got a dirty ass.

Jesus God Christ.

That's not hot.

Zolar, you're on the air.

It is I, Zolar, Mr. Carlito.

What's up, Zolar?

How you doing, man?

I'm good.

I'm good, man.

Wanted to give you a call.

Hello?

Yeah.

Yeah, we're listening.

What's up?

It's me, Andy, and Athena's over there.

Is Athena awake?

What's she doing over there?

I can't see her.

Hey.

She asleep, brother?

Yeah, I think she's asleep.

She's back from the Greenpeace thing?

She's back, yeah, she's finished that up finally.

She got her senses about her and she's back here, yep.

We gained control of her bowels.

That's funny.

Great life experience.

Yeah, so you shit your pants yesterday?

What happened, Zolar?

No, it was tonight.

Oh, tonight's Thursday, that's right.

It would have been tonight, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I tried to rip a nice fucking pot on the air

and almost soiled my linen.

Wow.

Wow, that's wow.

That's just wow.

Wow.

Wow. So, Zolar, man, are you coming back? Are you still on hiatus? Are you going to do a show tomorrow?

Everybody keeps asking me. They said you were going to do a show last week. I understand you didn't.

No, no. I will post personally and let everybody know in a good time.

I'm not just going to pop out of nowhere, and I'll definitely let everybody know first.

Okay. Good deal.

I won't be doing a show tomorrow, no.

You know what it is?

At some time, as I said, I'm getting out there. I'm doing a lot of fucking networking and stuff like that,

but I do plan on coming back and doing shows and whatnot.

I don't know if it's going to be the entirety of the summer or not.

I mean, I miss coming on the radio and all that.

Trust me, that's why I'm calling in to hog your airwaves right now.

Yeah, awesome, man.

Awesome.

So what have you been up to lately?

What are your weekends like now?

Is it always just hanging out, cocking the hoes, or what's going on?

I heard you keistered a cookie of rock cocaine and you went down to North Carolina.

Yeah, well, actually I had to stuff that in my rectum and I was unable to retrieve it.

That's what happened to old Dirty Bastard.

That's true, actually.

That's exactly what happened to old Dirty Bastard.

Make sure that shit don't rip.

Yeah, double wrap that condom.

Got to double bag it every time.

Yeah, you never know where it's been.

That's what I say.

Did you hear the fart of the superfan around here?

We played it.

Yeah, play it again.

We played it here.

You played it again, so that's all I can hear?

Yeah.

I don't know if you'll hear it.

So, have you heard the replay of the fart?

Yeah, we'll play it right now for everybody here.

I don't know if I'm actually downloading the show now, but it's still real.

You just missed it.

Did you put your ass on the mic? Did you just stand up spontaneously and put your ass on the microphone and let it rip?

Or was it actually long distance that we heard?

No, no. I put the microphone right to my ass.

So you planned this part, like, earlier today you ate some food to make you gassy?

No, no. I put gassy and I could either do a one-cheek sneak and just let it set into my silence.

I like that about you Zola

Because you know you don't have to impress these people

You can go ahead and rip a fart

And everyone in that room

They should bow down to your greatness

And they should love your stink

Well I appreciate that sentiment

But I was reprimanded for it

And told never to do it again

Who told you that?

Producer of the show

That guy Mutt?

No that's the host

The producer's name is Jason Kaplan

That guy's half a toss

I need everybody to address Jason Kaplan in an email that will go to sternshow at howardstern.com

and let them know what fucking an ignorant bastard he is for fucking reprimanding me

and telling me not to do it again when it was the funniest thing ever.

Yeah, I'll send him an email tomorrow telling him that my favorite part of the Superfan Roundtable

is when you ripped ass.

And I like how it upset everybody else in the room and you shook the room up.

It was the most informative part of the show.

I learned that Zolar is very gassy.

Yeah, because right now on the Super,

on Stern Fan Network,

it's a message board that's called SternFanNetwork.com.

They're bashing the shit out of me,

saying I ruined the entire Super Fan Roundtable.

Because you farted?

Because you farted, it took two seconds.

These people really have, you know,

God, they have a hair up their asses, you know what I mean?

Jesus, God, man.

I think they were saying that I kind of hijacked the entire show.

If you listen to the show in its entirety, you'll see that I was very boisterous tonight.

I know.

And I'm really circumspect.

Was this your best appearance on the Superfan Roundtable yet?

Totally.

All right, so I will download it tomorrow and listen to it, Zolar, and I will send an email.

I'll hear the replay over the weekend.

I need everybody, I need everybody to send an email in all actuality

referring to the fact that Zolar was great on the fucking Superfan Roundtable

because these people are sending in negative ones,

and I need some kind of balance there.

Everybody out there, email the Stern Show.

Go to howardstern.com and find the email.

What did you say it was, Stern Show?

What is it?

It is sternshow at howardstern.com.

Okay.

So, Zoma, are you close to getting your own show by any chance?

Like, is that, you know, are they talking about it?

Nope, nope, nope.

Doesn't look like they're interested.

They've filled the channel out completely.

With what?

With more space.

Yeah, supposedly there is no more space to provide.

If they're going on to a new channel, which would be 102,

they still haven't even given me an inclination.

Truthfully, the only show I like other than the Stern show is the Riley Martin show.

And that's only an hour a week.

I don't get why they can't have room for you.

Exactly.

Yeah, I don't get it either.

That pisses me off.

I'm going to punch Carlito in the arm.

Oh, how do you miss me, faggot?

I'd be drunk.

I'd still hurt.

I'd punch Carlito's chair.

so much here I feel like a tool when that happened yeah I'm not in my good punching

mode right now they might take Riley Martin show off and put another show in that lot but that

would piss me off because I love that show I'll cancel my subscription yeah like my mom is really

into that kind of stuff so like I knew about him way before he started showing up on the Stern

show and like you know I've always thought he was very funny and now he's even funnier because you

You get to, like, you know, you get a hero.

Like, I love when he's sitting there talking about, like, the alien weed and shit like that.

Like, you know, that's cool as hell.

Like, that's hilarious, dude.

And the B.O.B. has got the best weed.

They got some good purple bud.

Like, you know, how great is that?

That's good stuff.

Hey, Zolar, hook us up with a prank call, man.

We got some Dunkin' Donuts.

We got some Indians answering the phone in Michigan.

You want to hook us up real quick?

Let's do it.

Everybody's looking forward to the Zolar prank call.

That's right.

I sure am.

I'm not.

What's going on, dude?

And Zolar, your website is zolar.com or are you still doing xyzolar.com?

Yeah, it's a rather good website, too, by the way.

And you have a mention for my name because it says Carlito on there, Andy. I feel great.

I do my own version of a live spot on CarlitoVision.

We can't wait.

I'm on the madhouse.

Here we go, hold on.

Okay.

Yeah, that sounds like you're shooting cum out of your ass, buddy.

It's a tight, wet one.

So, Zola, did you know that you and I are friends on Myspace?

So who runs your MySpace? You're so big you don't even run your own MySpace. I respect that.

I don't even run my email. Bob Forney. Bob Forney at Yahoo if you'd like to email. Bob Forney at Yahoo is my secretary.

Your secretary? So he's the guy that does all the posting on the KDK forums and stuff like that?

Yeah.

That's not even you posting on the forums.

No, no, no. I've never been there.

I love that, it's so gangster.

In charge of all my stuff is Captain America the dog.

All right, everybody?

So when you see me, it's Captain America the dog.

Okay.

Hey, Zola, make sure that you got to get him to change the spelling of Lord in your signature,

because it's L-O-A-R-D.

Well, that's not right.

Yeah, it just bugs me.

Every time I see it, it says, you know, what is it?

It says, like, if the good Lord didn't mean God meant to eat...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I wrote that.

I knew you were going to spell that one.

How do you spell Lord?

L-O-A-R-D.

What did I write?

It's L-O-R-D.

You are L-O-A-R-D.

It's funny because it'll be like this perfect grammar kind of thing,

like I'll be on the Sternfront Network tonight.

And his signature is like, yo, if the Lord didn't mean for blah, blah, blah.

Like it's all misspelled and it just detracts from it.

Yeah, yeah, dude.

I don't know how to spell it.

He's a New Yorker.

I did that originally when I signed up to the tights.

New Yorkers are barely American, too.

I'll let you guys slide.

It's the capital of America, man.

Bullshit.

It should be.

It's barely America.

Might as well be.

Barely America.

I have an excellent vocabulary, but I can't spell the shit.

Yeah?

And you're a good janitor.

A terrific janitor.

He's been a janitor forever.

All right, let's call Dunkin' Donuts, all right, man?

Let's do it.

Okay, let's do it.

Hang on, everybody.

Zolar.

We'll be right back with a friend call.

off. Zola has returned. The prodigal son. Hello, I'm Johnny Cash. And he punched me

again. It's alright, I'll get him back. Hello? Yeah, how you doing, Donkey Donut? Yes, sir.

I was inside and I get six plain donuts in the bag, but when I get home, the one is glazed

with sprinkles and one of the sprinkles got inside my urethra how long ago they said you bought the

donut what time what time you come in two hours two hours two hours so around 10 o'clock right

yeah okay can you hold on one second okay chicken you can come tomorrow anytime and

take the donut again yeah maybe they they gave you the wrong order so you can come tomorrow

One second.

My friend, my friend, my friend, my friend, my fucking carpet friend.

On your head, leave the garage door open.

How long are you going to be there, my friend?

Huh?

How long are you going to be there? Will you be there one hour still, yes?

Actually, we don't have the donuts right now. I just throw them away.

So, if you can come around, like...

Hello?

Yeah, go ahead.

I need you to suck the sprinkle out of my urethra.

You need what?

I need the sprinkle has to come out of my urethra.

Are you able to extract it with your lips?

Can I just speak a bit loudly? I can't hear you now.

I'm sorry, sir. Is this better?

No, it's a little more.

Okay. I need you to suck pickles out of my urethra with your lips.

You want what?

I need you to suck pickles out of my urethra with your lips.

My urethra is clogged. If you give direct pressure with your mouth, it comes out.

Oh, that may be like the heart. That may be the donor from the evening.

I mean like from the morning, you know.

Right, right, right.

So that's what happened to you.

If you get down on your knees and, like, you know how you suck your camel's cock?

You could do that for me, right?

Yeah.

Good, good.

You got nice, wet, fucking, uh, sand nigger lips?

Excellent, excellent call.

Very well done.

Oh, my God.

Thank God for your planning this tonight, sir.

Yeah, very well done, Zolar.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Oh, bitch.

We look forward to hearing from you soon, man.

Zolar, we're gonna start a grassroots campaign to give you your own show.

That's right.

Yeah.

I'm going to start emailing right now.

Yeah.

I sent two emails while you were on there.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Hang on.

Let me get this bitch off of here.

Hang up real quick.

Oh, sorry.

So we can say goodbye to Zolar.

All right.

There we go.

Zolar, you're still there, right?

Yeah.

I got two emails.

I got two email accounts, Zolar.

I'm going to send emails from both of them.

Everybody send an email to that aforementioned email.

Make sure we get Zolar his own show.

He deserves it.

Deer half a toss.

Zolar is funny.

Give him his own show.

You fag.

The guy's name who reprimanded me is Jason Kaplan.

So, was it on the air that he reprimanded you, or just on the side?

No, no, after the commercial.

He says, don't ever do that again.

This is not the Howard Stern show.

Yeah, but I mean, like, Stern farts on the show all the time.

He's gunning up and farting right in the microphone on the show.

Who's that guy think he is to tell you what's funny or not?

You're Zolar.

That's right.

Yeah.

I'm Zolar.

Yeah.

Like, I hate the whole idea of that show is, like, you listen to it and, like, you know one person.

You know, it's either, like, you or King of All Black.

Other than that, everybody on this show, you don't know who it is.

And that's why I don't like it.

It's like, oh, there's some hot chick.

I don't care about the hot chicks.

I can't see her.

I can't peel it back.

I can't beat it up.

I don't want to hear it from her.

Yeah.

Tell him, Andy.

Yeah, and tonight she was wearing no bra with one of those backless fucking handkerchiefs over her tits.

Yeah, see, that's good for you because you were there.

But it does nothing to me.

Like, I would hate her because I'd be like, oh, this stupid hot chick.

She thinks she's so funny.

She sucks.

She ain't interested.

You know, but if she was here, I'd be like, oh, baby, what's up?

Yeah, I'm going to show you.

I'm going to be dissing on her for you because I'm, like, fucking, I'm giving her the shit.

I'm like, shut up, you stupid bitch.

Good.

I will listen to that.

I will check that out tomorrow, and I will send an email with an appropriate comment.

Hey, everybody out there, if you're going to send multiple emails, don't spell the

the word Lord wrong in both of them.

Exactly.

Make sure you spell Lord right.

I will spell Lord in each of my emails.

In one email, I will spell it Lard,

and in the other one, I will spell L-O-A-R-D.

That way they won't know.

They won't know it's the same guy.

There you go.

Yeah, I'll be like, Zolar is the Lord of all radio.

Thanks for having me on, and Andy, take care.

I will take care.

Take care, man.

We'll see you later.

Take care of yourself.

Later on, buddy.

All right.

Call you to the Madhouse, everybody.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Zolar, everybody.

He's a big celebrity.

Zolar from Zolar Fan.

Yeah, he's a big celebrity.

He's the biggest celebrity we've ever had on this show.

It's true.

Yeah.

Well, actually, I bet you more people know who the guy is.

He's number two.

Phelps has been on 2020, I think, like three times or something like that.

He's number two.

I'm number three.

Yeah.

Well, we had that comedian on here.

You remember him?

No, not Carrot Top.

We had some black guy.

I don't know.

Whatever.

It doesn't matter.

More people know who I am than they know who I am.

They're not black guy.

Black comedians all do the same shit

I'm sorry but it's true

White people do this

White people are crazy

White people drive their car like this

Black people drive their car like this

Yeah boy

Simpsons

Simpsons like burned all black comedians

In that one minute bit

It was great though

See we're getting shout outs on AOL Instant Messenger

Where you can reach us at Madhouse Radio

That's our screen name

Madhouse Radio. Perez

saying sup fellas. What's up Perez?

Perez saying guy was talking shit earlier?

Probably. I don't think there's more than one Perez.

I wouldn't doubt it. There's so many Perez's out there.

There's probably only one Perez who knows how to work the internet though.

You got a point.

Thank you very much.

Uh oh.

Why are you meeting us man?

Military Dude on MSN Messenger

where you can reach us if you're using MSN Messenger

MadhousePCURadio

at Hotmail.com

Military Dude saying hey Carlito

what's the link for the chat room?

go to madhouselive.com

or go to kdk

as in kill death kill

kdkprankcalls.com

he's asking us to call people in Canada using a soundboard

can I please send him the link for the chat room

yeah we'll do that

I can't get on the chat room unless I use the IRC thing

really?

well you gotta download your java shit

there's like special java stuff I need

it's a little software shit you download java

I thought I had that though

maybe you don't

I was on it for a brief minute

in there, too, before I left today, just to see who was

on it. Yeah, anybody on it? Well, no one

talked to me, so I didn't say anything. Who are you?

Appleseed on there, usually? Yeah, Appleseed. Appleseed, okay.

Alright, Earthdog

says, play the fart clip again. Okay, we'll

play that just for Earthdog. Earthdog is in love with Zola.

He was. Played my boyfriend's

Zola fart clip. He has a non-sexual male

crush on Zola. I think so.

Did I get rid of it? I don't know. Where was it?

Is it Stern? F-S-F-N? What is it

called? He wasn't your Zola fart.

He just said, play it

three times so I can jerk off to it.

You definitely could just go to therapy and go through the motions.

I mean, what's it going to take, an hour a week, you know, something like that?

Oh, my gosh, that was for real.

Bless you.

I like saying that when people fart.

When I fart, I say, bless me.

There you go, Earthdog, the clip of the day.

Poop says everybody buys Zolar's shirt.

He has a shirt?

I don't know.

I think he does.

I think KDK made a Zolar's shirt so he could make some money off it.

I would wear one.

Do they have it in, like, 3X tall?

I think they do.

I'll wear that because I won't wear a 3X, but I'll wear a 3X.

Why don't you buy a Madhouse shirt before you...

I don't think, to date, nobody has bought a Madhouse shirt.

And they've been up there...

Why can't I get one for free?

I come down here every week and be on the fucking show.

I don't have one myself.

Why don't you buy two and give me one?

I don't know.

Earthdog leaves a minute, Zolar goes away.

Because we call him, he said, the Zolar is his boyfriend.

Yeah, he's like, oh, fuck this guy.

He's not my boyfriend.

I dream of the day.

Yeah.

Earthdog loves Zolar

HawkFan said he was advertising for PCU

earlier on AOL, that's cool

yeah, we're up to like

46 listeners, so I guess he has some effect

yeah, so a shout out to the newbies

who are showing up and calling in

in the chat room, that's HawkFan's work

Colin will be rude to you

exactly, we'll be rude to you

Carly will be nice, I'll be rude

I'm the good cop and Andy's the bad cop

that's our gig

we watch The Shield just like everybody else

everybody should watch The Shield

Andy, what are you watching now?

Lost last night was kind of weak.

What are you talking about?

I liked it.

I like anything with Mr. Echo.

Mr. Echo's the man, though.

Mr. Echo head-butting Locke was excellent.

That was good.

And Mr. Echo going down in the thing and then, like, you know, talking shit to Locke.

I mean, like, you know.

Yeah.

Mr. Echo's cool.

I guess so.

He's too Jesus-like.

He was great on Oz, and he's great in Lost.

He was in Oz?

I never saw that.

He was the guy who raped everybody.

Echo?

He did that?

Really?

Yeah, he was out of BC.

He wore the little hat.

Remember?

He was ball-headed.

And he wore a little tiny hat

Like a little

Like a weird ass little hat

He just put it on the side of his head

And he raped everybody

That show was too gay for me

I saw half an episode

I was like you know

That's enough for me

Yeah well people who say that

Usually have a little bit

Gay tendencies themselves

Maybe I do

It doesn't bother

Like you know

My roommate

Like if he's

Any kind of gay

Cause we got the

Fucking

television,

and Richard and Sal are gay as hell on that.

Yeah.

And we play that, and he freaks out.

Oh, because of the gay stuff?

Yeah, that makes me think he's gay himself.

He might be.

Yeah, well, that's just, you know, that's my opinion.

If you freak out over gay stuff, you're probably gay.

On purpose, yeah.

I'm trying to show for it.

Whenever Katie K says I'm gay, he probably freaks out.

Caller, you're on the air.

Sir, hello.

There we go.

You're on the air.

Go ahead.

Hello?

Hey, how you doing?

What's going on?

Not much, who's this?

How are you?

I'm good.

Is this Soundboard?

Sounds like a Soundboard.

It does sound like a Soundboard.

This is a very good Soundboard.

Hey, Soundboard.

Quicker.

Go on.

What do you know about nuclear fusion, Soundboard?

Talk.

Thank you.

Soundboard, you don't know anything about cold fusion, do you?

Right.

Exactly.

What is that, Howard Stern Soundboard?

I think it is.

You're not that much of a loser, are you?

Yes, we are.

Yes, we are, matter of fact.

Dummy.

Very dummy.

You're a dummy.

You're a dummy, bitch.

Now fuck your mom.

Rape my pussy.

Hey.

Hey, what?

Hey.

Hey, what?

Oh, man.

God, I hate soundboards.

Yeah, soundboards are lame.

Yeah.

Hey, whoever it is, talk to us.

Show your face.

Come on.

Show your voice.

Real voice now.

Come on.

It's okay.

Say hi.

Well, give out your number to everybody in the chat room.

Don't make me do that.

Don't make me do it.

We're crazy.

Mm-hmm.

We're unstable.

Is that the dead?

Is he going from stern to the dead?

I don't know.

I gotta go.

All right.

Later.

Peace out, man.

You miss putting your hands on the pants of a woman, don't you?

Yeah.

It's been a while.

Soundboard, everybody.

Nothing wrong with a soundboard every once in a while.

Okay.

Well, that's that.

Let me take a break, man.

I really got to take a piss.

Yeah, but people got to know soundboards aren't going to fool us.

Yeah.

Well, it fooled me at the beginning for like five seconds.

No, it never fooled me.

Oh, you're sorry.

We're both high school graduates, college dropouts.

We know a soundboard when we hear them.

That's right.

God, I'm the proudest college dropout anyway.

I was working on getting my diploma today.

Like, I earned my diploma, like, my AA degree, my associate's, whatever that means.

It means nothing.

Yeah.

How many hours total do you have of college credit?

I'm up to, like, over 100.

Close to that.

How sad is that?

I'm over 100.

I don't have an associate's.

I don't have that.

And I'm, like, over 100, and I'm, like, 30 hours away from getting my history degree.

Really?

Yeah.

Hell yeah, man.

I should get a history degree.

I'm thinking once I've been driving for a bit, I could probably take some online classes

and maybe finish up.

You could do that.

You could go to any college

you want in the country

if you want to technically

do an online course.

You could go to Harvard.

I'll do drive-by shootings

for the Crips.

For the Crips.

There you go.

How do your sim

highlight?

Yeah.

Here's everybody.

There you go.

Yeah.

You know,

I haven't played this drop yet.

Don't do it.

Should I release this?

No, it's not.

Play it.

I love niggas.

Should I get rid of that?

I mean,

there's no point in it.

No, I mean,

like every once in a while

it'll come up.

I guess so.

We'll keep that.

We'll keep that in the files.

I'm going to take a break real quick, and we're going to come back,

and we'll do a few more prank calls.

Lonesome Loser has sent in an acupuncture and herb location.

He also sent in a bong con restaurant and Pug Meehan's Irish pup.

Yeah, I got to go wee.

Okay, have fun with that.

And there's a Dunkin' Donuts also that we haven't called in that I'll try to do.

And he's going to go take a shit, take a pee.

And we'll be right back in a moment, folks.

Please stay.

The weekend is upon us.

You've made it.

Thank you for listening. Stand by.

There's two dogs on late.

Testify. Day I die.

Stay tuned for more Madhouse right after this.

Don't tell me 40,000 people are coming here.

They're not here.

Take them pants off. Carlito is back.

I shot a man in Reno.

Jim.

This is on ACU.

Quasimo, cause he popped the dro.

Captain, this is Quasimo, cause he popped the dro.

Captain.

Hey, Cradle of Filth is garbage.

My 52-year-old

400-pound stepdad listens to

Cradle of Filth?

Did you hear the new Cradle of Filth?

I never heard of that shit.

You like Orange Goblin?

Cradle of Filth.

What a bunch of ass is that?

It's not even good death metal.

I gotta get some music here.

Poop is an anagram, right?

Anagram?

It means the same thing forward as backwards?

Yeah, it is.

Look at you, poop.

I like that.

All right, enough of the chatting bullshit about cradle filth.

It is cradles, I think.

Cradles of filth.

Not just one cradle.

It's multiple cradles.

That's a stupid-ass name for it.

Everybody wants you to be kicked, poop.

Enough, poop.

Relax.

Excuse me.

You got one beer left.

Yeah, I'm on my last one as well.

Yeah?

Good deal.

You got to try it.

You going to be okay to try it?

Yeah.

I drank the hardcore shit.

I drank the Ice House 6-Pack with the 16-ounce Ice Houses in a plastic bottle.

You know I found Miller Lite in plastic bottles the other day?

Yeah, I've seen that, too.

Yeah, you should get that, dude.

I did.

I drank them last night.

Not last night.

I drank them during the week.

Because a real man, a 6-Pack of 12 ounces is not going to do shit for you.

A 6-Pack of 16 ounces, that's two extra beers, man.

Yeah, you get your money's worth.

That's like an 8-Pack.

It is.

So we're looking at this nasty lady

Not nasty

Who put that picture up?

Lonesome Loser post posting that

He likes dirty girls with dirty assholes

I guess man

But she's got something up in that ass though

Like a dildo

Yeah

He has girls with shitty

Shit in their ass

In their asshole

And then like you know

Man

That's sick

That's kind of sick

That's

English people

They like that shit

Yeah

I thought he was cool

I thought he might be Scottish

But it turns out he's English

So fuck him

That's Noon Noon

We're talking about Lonesome Loser

Who is Scottish, though?

Nunu.

He said he was last week that he was Scottish.

No, I think he said he wasn't.

Oh, he wasn't.

Yeah.

See, Earthdog's right.

I'd hit it, but I'd hose it off first.

Actually, I would do more hoses off.

I'd probably pour some bleach on that shit, and I'd scrub it down, and then I'd...

I'd take a shower with her.

Yeah.

That'd be nice.

It'd be fun.

I'd give her a shower.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I'm not...

No, actually, I'm not taking a shower with a girl who's dirtier than me.

You gotta do that, though.

You've got to take a shower with your girls before you hit that, you know?

That's an important thing to do, man.

Yeah, see?

See, kids, Carly is giving you words to live by.

Exactly, yeah.

Because knowing is half the battle.

Women like that.

Women think it's a sexy thing.

You know why?

Yeah, I get it.

Take a shower.

Take a shower with me.

I can't get any water.

You're all getting it all.

You're so bad.

Fuck you, man.

What do you know?

You didn't even take showers.

It's not true at all.

You take it.

You jump in the pool like once every other day.

Dude, I swim every day.

Yeah.

Are you still tanning?

Yeah, look, I'm darker than you now, look.

Yeah, I saw you come in today, y'all tan.

That's bad.

Well, I was up this whole weekend.

I was out at the beach and shit like that.

You didn't even ask me how my weekend was.

Oh, dude, yeah, that's right.

You went down to...

Are we allowed to talk about that, or...

Yeah, she doesn't listen.

I don't...

I never told her I do this show.

Tom never listens.

Oh, she doesn't listen?

Why would I tell her I do this show?

I know, right?

Why would you want to ruin that?

Yeah.

So, seriously, so you got a homegirl or anything?

I mean, are we allowed to...

there was some like

you know it's a stupid dude

because like I'm 26 but like

the most I can brag about is like

you know I was making out with her in the pool

and then as you know I

would look up and I see her mom's window

she lives at home with her mom

she's like 20 she's 23 I think

she just turned 23 or she just turned 22

but I would look up and I'd see her mom's

blinds moving all the time so

shaking up on you

like I could really make a move

she white? she white girl? no she's Spanish

but she's like but she's high spanish like spain spanish or just no well she's from south america

but her family is she's she's lighter skin than you are so she's she's lighter than i am like

comparatively i'm darker than her well now you've been tanning yeah are you tanning to get accepted

into her family yes yes is that what it is that's what i don't want i don't want them to think that

i am a full-blown whitey wow still what's this news now is is steven colbert the last one to

to know how amazing he was.

Almost two weeks later, the internet is still buzzing about Stephen Colbert's

already legendary Scorched Earth performance about the White House Correspondents' Dinner.

It was a quintessential all-about-Eve, I mean all-about-Steve moment.

He walked up to the podium, a basic cable call figure.

A lot of people, let me interrupt you, Carly, though.

A lot of people believe that, actually, he is a Republican plant,

and that they're like, you know, why didn't he say anything about 9-11

and how it was a conspiracy.

Why do you have to say that?

They're saying that Stephen Colbert is in all actuality a Republican plan.

Really?

But he's been doing that for a long time now, though.

Well, he just recently, in the last few months,

he's gotten super aggressive towards the Republican Party and shit.

Should we play more of this?

We started playing it earlier.

I don't know.

I was in the bathroom, so I don't know where you're at.

Wow.

Wow, what an honor.

The White House Correspondents' Dinner.

Shut up.

For those of you who don't understand, this is Stephen Colbert.

He does a show, The Colbert Report, Comedy Central.

Yeah, I DVR that every night.

I do, too.

A DVR is like three times a day, actually.

I've got to fix that.

No, I have it set up so I only take the new ones.

Yeah, well, you've got the nice DVR.

You've got the nice cable provider, the one where you can get on-demand and all that shit.

Yeah, I've got Stern on-demand.

I've got HBO on-demand, Cinemax, Showtime.

I used to have all that nice shit.

Some other people.

and then I got Stars, which is the only place

you can get decent movies is on Stars.

HBO sucks now.

What happened to HBO? The only thing on there

is Sopranos, and that's it.

I like Big Love. I keep saying I like Big Love.

That's just gay, dude.

The Mormons are filthy, and I hate them.

I'm not going to support them.

Bill Paxton is such a horrible actor.

It comes off just perfectly,

because you can see him as being a Mormon.

He's a filthy Mormon.

Look at this filthy Mormon. He can't even act right.

Anyway, so Stephen Colbert is actually

in front of the president, next to him

at the White House Correspondents'

Dinner. It goes on every year, right? They have comedians

and correspondents and

reporters and members of the media there, and they

kind of poke jabs at the

president. Poke jabs?

Jab pokes? I don't know.

Whatever. They make fun of the president. It's supposed to be

acceptable. Apparently Colbert

crossed the line. He's a noted

anti-Bush, anti...

He parodies the conservative Fox

News kind of deal. Yeah, he pretends that he's

like super into the

you know he's a super neocon

but then like you know he acts so stupid

that you get the

impression that he is actually not a neocon

exactly so

who knows what it really is

I'm sure the dead hasn't figured that out yet

cause he's a retard

let's play a little bit of this

Stephen Colbert

to actually to sit here

at the same table with my hero

George W. Bush

to be this close

close to the man

I feel like I'm dreaming

somebody pinch me

you know what I'm a pretty sound sleeper that may not be enough

somebody shoot me in the face

is he really not here tonight

the one guy who could have helped

yeah I peel that bag and beat this shit up

just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers

someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail

Mark Smith

ladies and gentlemen of the press corps madam first lady mr president

my name is Stephen Colbert

bear. And tonight, it is my privilege to celebrate this president. Because we're not so different,

he and I. We both get it. Guys like us, we're not some brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're

not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut. Right, sir? That's where the

truth lies. Right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your

gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. Now I know some of you are going to

to say i did look it up and that's not true that's because you looked it up in a book next time look

it up in your gut i did my gut tells me that's how our nervous system works every night on my

show the colbert report i speak straight from the gut okay i give people the truth unfiltered by

rational argument i call it the no fact zone fox news i hold a copyright on that term i'm a simple

man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one,

I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that

it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has

50 states, and I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one

tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest

export, at least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for

For three cents a unit.

Good one, Lonesome Loser.

Lonesome Loser just fucked over.

That was great.

You got Poop in there quoting Full Metal Jacket.

I mean, Lonesome Loser actually comes in with so much...

Hey, Poop, they made that movie before you were born, man.

Yeah, that's...

You shouldn't use that as a cut down.

Yeah, exactly.

Lonesome Loser's gonna come with the real shit.

Yeah.

Poop's idea of a date is smelling his mom's dirty panties

after I got done fucking her breasts out.

That's funny.

That's great.

Very, very good.

Very good.

Yeah, I like that.

There you go.

Lonesome Loser.

That's what you think when you have a skull fucking in your face.

That's not that funny either.

Yeah, Poop.

Yeah.

Poop, you need to be funnier, dog.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He sticks his two-inch penis in them and tries his best to jerk off.

Nice.

Yeah.

There you go, Lonesome Loser.

We didn't know Poop had a two-inch penis, but now we do.

Now we do.

And knowing it's out to battle.

And how does Lonesome Loser do?

How do you like their cigar, Carlos?

These are good cigars.

You like those?

Yeah, they're decent.

Did you finish both of them already?

No, I'm on this first one.

Yeah, those are free cigars, so I'm sure you'll love them.

Nothing wrong with free cigars.

Being a cheap freaking.

Exactly.

I thought about buying some cigars today.

Look at that.

I didn't even have to.

Actually, dude, I put my beer down.

I walked out of my house.

I locked the door.

I put my beer down, and I said, I got to go back in and get Carlito Cigars.

I promise them.

Awesome.

Because this dickhead, who's my brother's friend, left him there.

Really?

Yeah.

Was that Corey?

No.

He's not so much of a dickhead.

There's a guy named Chad who, like, sits around.

He'd be like, you know, my brother's sitting there.

He's like, he asked me, before I even got home, he's like,

oh, has your brother got any weed?

My brother was like, no, he doesn't smoke anymore.

He hasn't smoked in, like, a month.

Oh, man.

So I get home.

He's like, yo, do you have anyone you can call to come over and smoke me out?

I'm like, dude, no one's going to come over and smoke out some 30-year-old balding dude for you.

I mean, no one's going to do that.

He's like, well, how much to make it happen?

And I'm like, well, I mean, I haven't talked to these cats in, like, a month, but 50 bucks.

And he's like, oh, man, I don't got that.

I'm like, too fucking bad.

You fucking suck.

Yeah.

I'm like, fuck you, man.

And I wouldn't have called him anyway because this guy's a douchebag.

So he left the cigars, and I stole them, and I gave them to you.

Good.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I'm putting in, but these cigars are like, I never heard of this.

Henry Clay.

He was the enemy of Daniel Webster.

That's all I know about him.

Okay.

Henry Clay cigars.

well they're decent

they're good

I mean

I'm not gonna shit on them

they're free

thank you

yeah

I'm glad you enjoy it

and it's good that

I'm not gonna smoke

I don't get the idea

I'm not gonna smoke anything

it doesn't get me high

you know what I'm saying

you know once you get to the end of the cigar

you do kind of get a buzz

really

yeah

I've actually gotten a pretty good buzz

are you pulling them into your

into your lungs and shit

no you inhale it lightly

you can't really

yeah I mean

I got that whole idea

but like

I don't see how you get high

on something that's just in your mouth

you don't get high

you get a nice mellow buzz

kind of things.

Not really.

I mean, it has to be

good Maduro

kind of Tardis

plan.

I like Cohibas.

Cohibas are nice.

I don't even know

what you're talking

about right now.

Hard to find around

here.

Hey, if I had

to remember JFK,

Cabuna, Cuba

would be our

Amsterdam right now.

It would be.

You know what?

You got a point.

And it will be one day.

We'd be going over

there getting high

and getting fucked up.

Stupid JFK.

Fucked it all up.

One hour plane ride

from Orlando, I'm sure.

We'd be on our way

down there and there'd be like you know good coke and good weed and shit one day when castor dies

which i doubt's ever gonna i mean even if he's gonna die people say oh what castor does and this

and that he'll outlive um fucking poop that's i don't know whatever exactly nobody some other is

some raul castor whatever's gonna outlive him anyway whatever so there it is your mom was like

a hockey player she changed her pad every third period i heard that one growing are you reading

from your pocketbook

that's from

exactly

I just said

Poop Poop says

no

as he puts away

his book

no

actually

these are

the fourth grade

level

no actually

fourth grade

sorry

sixth grade

we're moving on

what was Poop

he's like 12 right

Poop 12

I don't know

yeah he's 12

I think so

I don't know

he's young

if he was here

I'd put him in a headlock

and I'd give him a noogie

I'd fart in his face

Would you?

Yeah.

That's sick.

Remember that time I farted on you?

Yeah.

That's one of my best moments of my late 20s.

It's the greatest moment of your life.

Ultraviolet's leaving.

Goodbye, Ultraviolet.

Take care of yourself, bro.

Good night to Ultraviolet.

Good night, Ultraviolet.

Have a good night.

She was so dirty, I put on a whole pack of XL condoms for the extra protection.

Wow, man.

Did you fit your whole body in there, poop?

Probably.

What, dude?

You know you ain't sporting no XL condoms, dude.

I know.

You never even wore one in your life.

You're 15. You haven't gotten any poo-poo yet.

It's alright. One day.

Give it a few years. Three or four years.

Just tell the girls that you love them

and they'll let you peel it back.

Get some weed.

Hold their hands during

whatever your

lunch break. Hold their hands and then tell them

that after school you want to peel it back and beat it up.

That's how you do it?

Yeah. That's all you gotta do.

So you made out in the pool?

Yeah. So I got

I got, like, you know, I know everything that's going on, but, like, no, I'm 26.

I should have, like, you know, been on the field back and beat it up.

Why don't you get a hotel room?

I'll just get the room.

Because I don't work.

You budgeted yourself?

Yeah.

I want to see the budget if you don't want to.

Actually, like, her younger sister has this, like, rich boyfriend, and, like, he was there.

So, like, when we went out, like, he paid for most of the things.

Nice.

I came in over budget.

I was like, yeah.

There you go.

You came ahead.

Yeah, we went to the beach, and I got burned up there, too.

Yeah, but she's pale where I am.

Where'd you go, Boca?

She lives just north of Boca.

I don't know if it was Boca Beach or whatever.

I went there, I drove down, I parked my car, and I let a dude drive around all weekend.

Good.

You didn't have to waste gas.

Well, you wasted gas getting down there, but you didn't have to be driving around.

Dude, the gas getting down, it was like a full tank to get there and back.

It was over a full tank, I think.

It's a full tank to get from here to Key West.

It was like fucking, I spent like 50 bucks on gas.

God, that's sick.

So, at least, I mean, the only part of me I got inside of her was my tongue.

Okay.

It's not.

All right.

I'll show you a picture for it.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's do that.

You take 95 with the turnpike down south.

I take 95.

95.

Okay.

All right.

You got to watch out.

95, they keep closing it down.

Yeah, less north of here, though, right?

Yeah.

I didn't run into any problems.

Yeah, man.

Fuck.

That drive down, man.

We drove from Pennsylvania down.

Man, that's a nice drive, but it takes like a whole day to get through Virginia, man.

It's insane.

Virginia takes like a good four or five hours maybe to drive through, man.

It's sick.

I mean, you get really...

Poop says a lot of girls just go with guys who get fucked.

Those girls is hot, too.

Those girls is hot, he says.

Poop, you never got any steak on your halo, admit it.

Anyway, want to do some more prank calls before we go here?

Sure.

Let's do one or two more.

One or two more.

We always do a break and we just talk bullshit and we do like one or two pranks that don't work out.

Usually our pranking is pretty bad

After 12 o'clock

Because there's a lot of alcohol involved

I'm thinking about buying weed again tomorrow

I have an opportunity

I've been good for two weeks

You should just quit

Yeah I know but it's calling me back

What's it saying

Hey fat loser

You know you can't get away from weed

It's my pipe it's right over there behind me

On the desk behind me

It's talking to me

that's talking to me. My green bowl.

Alright, what do you think here?

The woo, acupuncture, and herbs.

I don't know what to do with this. This is probably going to fail miserably,

but we'll try it. Hang on, everybody.

We're going to try another prank call here before we call it a night.

Right back after this.

Nicole Iger. Nicole Iger fan.

Blown away, started Nicole Iger

and the Corey brothers.

Oh, yeah. She is fucking hot.

Hello? Hey, how you doing?

Who is this? My name is

George, and I'm looking for some acupuncture.

Oh, okay. Just a second, please.

Okay.

Just a second, please.

Hello.

Oh, just a second.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

Hello.

Hey, how you doing?

Pretty good.

How are you?

This is Dr. Wu.

Yeah, speaking.

Okay.

Dr. Wu, how much does it cost for the first session?

Oh, for the acupuncture?

Yeah.

It's $70 for the session.

Okay.

What do you recommend for diabetes?

Oh, diabetes?

Yeah.

I think both acupuncture and herbs should help better.

What kind of herbs do you recommend for that?

I have a Chinese herbs uh-huh okay Chinese herbs what I do I normally use

the Chinese type of diagnostic approach okay identify with the problem you know

diabetes to have a several causes not just one causes what are the causes I

have I have the diabetes really bad is it yeah really bad how long have you had

that about five years I guess how are you nothing works even insulin I jack

myself with the insulin it doesn't go down nothing nothing's working hmm you

think you can cure me well I can try you know I cannot guarantee it but I treated

people with diabetics before okay have you cured them yet anybody well they

They improved, you know.

I don't know, you know, there are various causes, as I mentioned to you.

Some may be more severe than the other.

Yours is some kind of a congenital type diabetes or what?

Do you know what caused the problem?

No, it's not my genitals.

It's more like around my pancreas.

Oh, your pancreas.

Yeah, my genitals are okay so far.

They're still working.

Well, you don't want to give it a try.

You know, if you haven't tried many things that have not been helpful,

You may want to give it a try. I don't know, you know, whether it's going to help or not, but I think it's worth trying to give it a try with the Chinese medicine approach.

Okay. So what are you thinking? What kind of herbs can you mix up there, like a potion?

Well, you mean what type of herbs?

Yeah.

Well, the herbs is a mixture of maybe 16 to 20 different kinds of herbs. It's not singular type. It's not one ingredient herbs.

So you don't want to give me your secret recipe then?

What do you mean by secret recipe?

Well, I'm asking you what kind of herbs you use.

You don't have to tell me.

Chinese herbs.

What are the Chinese herbs?

Which one?

They are just a part of those, you know, leaves and stems and whatever.

You know, according to Chinese, traditional Chinese medicines.

I usually throw away the stems and seeds and stuff like that, you know.

Throw away what?

I usually throw away the stems and seeds and stuff like that.

What do you mean? What are you doing anyway?

I'm, you know, smoking a little bit of herb, but it hasn't helped out.

Smoking?

Yeah.

I don't know about smoking. This is not smoking herbs.

Oh, okay. What do I do? Do I eat it or taste, drink it?

Yeah. Well, what I do is I have a, you know, extract from herbs.

Okay.

I get those products from California. They manufacture those herbs extracts.

I thought they were Chinese, though.

Yeah, they're Chinese.

But I want the real deal.

Hey, what do you Chinese people hate, God?

What?

What do you Chinese people hate, God?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You know who God is?

No, I don't know what you're talking about.

You don't know who God is?

Not your atheist?

No.

Well, who am I to get this information anyway?

Who am I to get this information about Chinese medicine?

My neighbor told me to call Dr. Wu that you cured him of tuberculosis, Alzheimer's disease.

No, not me.

Yeah, you did.

Must be something else, somebody else, not me.

Your mom.

Where did you get my information?

Your mom.

I mean, what?

Your mom.

Yeah, your mom, bitch.

That was good.

What is the information?

I'll give you four.

Who told you that's my son, Saigon?

Saigon, don't mess around with him, please.

He'll make a prank call with Saigon again.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

I'm not gonna call him. He's not gonna pick up.

Let's call one more. Let's call the Bong Can restaurant.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Hey, speak up. Hi. Hi. Do you have anything I can take to cure diabetes?

Take what?

To cure diabetes. Are you Chinese? Are you Chinese or Japanese?

Are you calling to order something?

Yes.

So what do you want to order?

Okay. What kind of restaurant is this? What kind of food do you have? Hurry

up.

Hurry up, I said.

I don't like Chinese people, man.

They're rude.

Yeah, they are rude.

Japanese people are a bunch better.

And Koreans?

Uh, a tad above all.

Yeah.

Koreans are...

I don't like the Vietnamese.

Vietnamese are good people.

Hard workers.

The best light infantry in the world.

The only army that ever beat us was the Vietnamese.

So the ragtag Iraqis beat us down.

What the hell is that all about, huh?

I mean, like, even in Vietnam, like, if you look at casualty-wise, we wiped them out.

But persistence-wise...

Lies.

Yeah.

What kind of food is this?

What country?

Vietnamese.

Okay.

I don't know where I'm going with this, lady.

Can I insult you a little bit?

You stupid Vietnamese, Viet Cong, Ho Chi Minh, pig-eating, punji stick-making motherfuckers.

Why don't you go back to Vietnam?

We're going to kick your asses like we did in Vietnam.

Hi-oh.

How about a Dunkin' Donuts?

That ought to be the last one of the night.

Hang on.

Let me see.

I don't know what digit is this, man.

I got a we.

All right.

You do that.

Hurry up because we're going to end the show really quick.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Shut up.

You have three hours, 15 minutes.

That's me scratching my arm.

Dunkin' Donuts.

Your mom.

Hello.

Your mom.

What's this?

Your mom.

Sir?

Go ahead.

Are you still making doughnuts tonight? Yeah, how fresh is it now fresh now first like your mom, right? No

Look you sister. Fuck your mom. Oh, yeah, come over here. I'm gonna show you do what I thought to your mom

Fuck you a bitch motherfucker. Fuck you

Call back

Fuck you bitch motherfucker you asshole you

That was great. That was great.

Let's see if he calls again. Let's see if he bitches me again.

Come on asshole, pick up.

So pissed off. I wish I could play it, replay it.

He gets so pissed off.

Hey asshole, why'd you hang up on me?

Yeah, hey.

Someone just said the F word to me.

And you are?

My mom.

Come down here and I'll show you who's mom I am.

I'll show you my sister and my mom and I'll fuck you.

That's fine.

Come down here and I'll show you who'll be fucking who

By the time you get here

You little cocksucking bitch

If you weren't a faggot

You wouldn't call this lady

A fucker

Hey

You don't talk to my boy like that

Yeah

I'll choke you

What'd you say?

I said you don't talk to my boy like that

You know who you sound like?

Yeah

You sound like a bitch

That just finished getting fucked in the ass

Your mom did

No, that's not right, man

I'll elbow you in the throat

It was your mom

You sound like a white trash

You sound like a white bitch

I'll take your thorax

And I'll wrap it around your skull

How would you like that?

How would you like that? You'd throw an axe around your skull, buddy.

Why don't you do me a favor?

What did you say?

Why don't you do me a favor?

What did you say?

Why don't you do me a favor?

What did you say?

That's what you said. You said,

Go suck my dick and tell me the flavor.

No way.

It tastes like your dad's asshole because you're a faggot who fucks your dad.

And I'll elbow you in the skull.

Yeah.

I like him much.

Here's what you said.

What did you say?

You sound like...

That's what you said.

You said...

Right?

The loser.

That was funny.

Anyone who threatens you, I'll get on it.

I'll threaten them back.

Yeah.

Thanks, Andy.

Always got my back, Andy.

Yeah.

I'm larger than you.

You hit hard.

All right, everybody.

That's the show.

Thank you for listening.

It's 1 a.m.

Super.

Yeah, it's Friday.

Welcome to the weekend, as I always say.

Be sure to listen tomorrow for nothing.

I don't know what's on tomorrow.

Is Lego going to do a show?

I don't know.

I don't know if he's going to do a show.

Probably not.

Lego should do a show.

He should do a show, that bastard, that lazy punk.

Who do you think he is, playing his band everywhere?

That's going to ever turn into a show.

I don't know.

He doesn't have his priorities.

Is this Locke over here laying on the ground dead?

It's Locke.

A cross shot of Locke.

Yeah, everybody watch that.

On top of that, I know Joob's doing a show starting at 6 p.m. Eastern on Saturday.

Wow.

Monkey phone, I should say.

6 p.m.?

How late does Joob go?

6 to 8 because his mom gets home early.

His mom makes him go to sleep.

He's on restriction.

Are you serious?

He goes 6 to 8?

He usually goes 8 to 10, and then KDK takes over,

but I guess he's going to do 6 to 8 tomorrow.

That's sad.

Saturday, I mean.

Well, technically tomorrow.

KDK will be on Saturday night at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Be sure to listen on Sunday night.

You may just hear Sean Ward do another show like he did.

He did a very impressive show.

I heard it in my hotel room, and I tell you what,

me and Athena had a great time listening to him.

Very good guy, Sean Ward, a good friend of mine.

He's half a toss.

He is half a toss, but he's a very good guy.

He has some hot-sounding bitch in him.

Three-quarters of a toss.

He's got a very small apartment, I hear, but he's a good guy.

Monday nights, nothing.

Tuesday nights, K-Bone's crazy talk.

And Wednesday night, KDK rounds out things with his psycho babble.

And Thursday nights, we're here again.

Andy, your last show is going to be next week, huh?

No, I think two more weeks.

Oh, two more weeks.

Okay, good.

Good news.

I got away on my Social Security card.

You know how you're not legal yet.

Yeah, I'm not legal right now.

All right, well, other than that, Andy, thanks for coming in.

Anybody want to give a shout-out to your...

No, not really, no.

Okay, all right, well, that's fine.

Milkman.

I hope that you'll be back with us soon

and that our hearts and prayers are with you, buddy.

Yep, and...

And we hope you get well soon with your coconut disease.

With your coconut disease and everything coconut needs.

And you wear a condom next time you fuck a coconut, buddy.

You should learn your lesson, damn it.

Damn it.

Lonesome Loser, thank you very much for helping us out, confirming numbers.

You did a very good job.

You always do, and I appreciate it.

You're a very valuable member of this here.

Everybody who called in, everybody who listened, everybody in the chat room,

thank you very much.

Who called in tonight?

It was Dick.

Dick.

Zolar.

That pothead called in.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Homegrown.

Homegrown, yeah.

Homegrown.

Dick and Zolar are a fantastic three.

That was it, right?

And then, yeah, the soundboard called in also.

Yeah, it sucked.

We don't care about you.

And some guy in Sioux City, Iowa who didn't talk.

We didn't answer his phone number.

And the guy we just talked to, he was great.

Yeah, that guy was great.

Who he threatened.

Yeah, exactly.

We'll have to call him back.

Oh, who hit him in the throat.

Yeah, we'll save that one.

We'll save that one.

Dunkin' Donuts in Oak Park, Michigan.

Was it Dunkin' Donuts?

He was at Dunkin' Donuts, yeah.

You should have heard the first one.

It was like, fuck your mother.

I got your mother here.

No, I said that.

He said it was my sister.

He showed up real quick when I threatened to punch him in the throat.

Yeah, I know.

And I told him he can't talk to my boy like that.

That's what those people need, man.

They need all the understanding strength.

Where is that from?

Washington?

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

You want to come on SAR, Carlito?

On SAR.

Saturday?

I'm not going to come on Saturday.

No.

He's busy.

I got stuff to do.

I got a life.

Yeah.

Thursday night's on free, but other than that, I got a life.

And that's it.

I don't know what Carlito does.

I hope someone has a show tomorrow night because I have nothing to do.

Yeah, me too.

So I'm going to listen.

Yeah, all right.

So hopefully Lego will be here at 8 o'clock, right?

Yep.

Lego, 9 o'clock, I think, is when it starts.

Because Zolar said he definitely won't be here, right?

No, definitely won't be.

He said he will be back sometime maybe in the summer, if not maybe the fall.

Yeah, so until then, the only place you can hear Zolar is here on the Madhouse.

On the Madhouse, that's correct.

Very well put, that's right.

So Earthdog, who's in a non-sexual gay crush with Zolar, this is the only place you can hear him, buddy.

That's right.

Other than the Superfan Roundtable.

Exactly.

Exactly, and who wants to pay for that?

Andy downloads it illegally.

But he wants all you have.

Yeah, don't say anything about it.

Because if you blow that, I will be so pissed at you, you will get punched in the arm.

All right, all right, don't lie.

You know, I fear being punched in the arm by Andy, everybody, but there it is.

Okay, everybody, have a good night.

Have a good weekend.

Thanks for listening.

Peace out.

We'll catch you next week.

Peace out.

I just gave it to her today.

It didn't interrupt me.

Oh, God.

Man, I can't kill a tree, man.

We're going to say beat your bread, brother.

I'm going to have a...

What the fuck is this?

Oh, God.

Man, you're gay, man.

Herbert.

You don't know who you is, boy.

What the fuck is this?

This is Herbert.

You know what I did?

This motherfucker like...

Man, he scared me.

I don't know.

I didn't get my number.

I got your dirty laundry.

Yeah, motherfucker, what's your problem now?

Jive turkey, you bitch.

You didn't hear, boy.

You jive turkey motherfucker.

Who you talking to, son? What do you know?

Man, you can show me a place where I'm about to come whoop some motherfucker's ass

because I don't even know who the fuck you're talking about.

How much are you going to charge, you guy?

Pick somebody up over here to tax his ass.

Man, this ain't no motherfucking tax, it's a charge.

I'm telling you, I'm fucking picking somebody up.

I'm going to whoop his goddamn ass.

I kick your ass, you son of a bitch, you and your goddamn mother.

What?

Your mother.

You motherfucking nigger, how you like that, you piece of shit?

I'm not a fucking nigger, I'm a bitch.

You nigger, motherfucker.

How you a nigger, man?

What?

Man, I'm a motherfucking, this is a private goddamn phone.

It's a white man that don't want to hear from no goddamn niggers calling me in the fucking middle of the night.

Listen, listen, boy, listen, boy, listen, boy.

Call a boy, I'll show you a boy in a 12-gauge shotgun, motherfucker.

Listen, cracker.

Listen to that, three letters.

Listen here, cracker, listen here, cracker.

You cracker, cracker, I'll show you some fucking three-letter, motherfucker.

I'll see you here.

Are you Michael Frazier?

Man, this ain't Michael Frazier, man.

This is both of the white men.

Look, let me just ask you real quick.

First of all, why don't you shut the hell up?

You fucking...

Fuck you, you stupid bitch.

Please enjoy what you're doing, man.

Staying in Honolulu, out of town from God's sake.

For those chickens.

Yes.

Yo, just dip a wing in your pocket and...

Yeah, but I'm only one over here.

I cannot drop a chicken on you.

We would give you a couple hundred dollars, though.

Are you ready?

I wish I was the governor.

Just pretend I'm sitting on you, okay?

No problem?

Okay.

I don't got to go.

Ah!

Yeah.

Oh, I got to go.

Please do wash your hands.

Yeah.

This is some kind of life you have where you have to do this stuff.

So this is a very interesting radio you have.

Very interesting radio thing if you have that, you know, because, like, that's, um,

it just shows me that you have, like, nothing going.

No, I got plenty. This is what we do, man. I do this all the time. I get lots of votes.

This is what you do, like, you know what I mean? Talk stupid.

Yeah, yeah.

Really, huh? People actually listen to this shit.

Everybody listens to this shit, man.

Not everybody, because anybody with a half a brain that I know don't listen.

Anybody with a half a brain would listen to this shit instead of eating your shitty-ass pizza.

How old are you?

Thirteen.

Yeah, fucking right. You sound like you're fucking eighteen or nineteen.

I'm thirteen, I said.

Yeah, right.

Yes, I was born thirteen years ago, last Friday.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

I'm hanging up and you better not call.

Do you have stripes in your underwear?

Do I have what?

Stripes in your underwear.

You are a sick fuck.

Come on, let me talk to your sister, man.

Be a pal.

No!

Have you ever seen your sister naked?

No!

Calls (21, 1 h 6 min of 2 h 46 min)

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