2006-05-18 Show

and jazz and whole ass niggas. The weirdo is put your blunts up. You're now listening

to Bizarre Soul Circus. And I'm your boy, Young Miles, the future. And my man's about

to get it crackin' for y'all. Put your motherfuckin' hands up for the number one weirdo. It's a

nigga with the shower cap, kickin' a nasty, dirty, filthy rap.

Hey, good evening, everybody. Hey. Hey. Wow. The phone's messed up. There we go. I didn't

test the phone. Hang on. Let's see if it's working. Why'd he start rapping? God, this

All right, the phone's working.

Yeah, the phone got on here before I did.

Yeah.

I hope the phone works all right.

So we're here, everybody.

It's me, Carlito, your host, and Andy's here next to me.

What's up, Andy?

Hey, everybody.

How you doing, man?

And we're going to do a show tonight.

It's the Madhouse.

It's 10, 12 p.m. Eastern.

What's up, man?

It's 10, 12 p.m. Eastern, and we're going to go on until who knows when.

We're trying to figure out what's the name of that orange stuff that that telemarketer guy sells on TV.

Orange something.

Orange Dream.

Orange Jet.

Not Orange Jet.

at? Orange. It's not Orange Crush. Not Orange, that's a drink. That's also a song. Orange

Crush is a song. Yeah, there I am. I think that was California, right? That call we played

at the beginning? No, Michigan sounds more Arab than California. Yeah, that's true. Yeah,

either one or two in Michigan. I think I might even have that here still. You can revenge

call them, our enemies. Yeah, we did. Yeah, the guy called us out, but we have him on

on file here saying this to me fuck you a bitch motherfucker i love that that's great that was

great call andy and he's i guess your first call you just jumped in you came in for the

yeah what he said i heard a fight and i i jumped right in i can't help it it's my combat of white

nature yeah well thanks andy that was awesome i saved you yes you did as always in high school

always save me out getting beat up by arabs and indians that was an indian guy though was he

I don't know.

I thought he was Arab.

This is an Indian.

Fuck you, bitch, motherfucker.

That could be an Arab.

I don't know.

Well, to ask him, maybe we can interview him on peaceful terms tonight or something like that.

Maybe he'll talk to us a little bit.

I doubt it.

He's better when he's pissed at us anyway.

We'll just piss him off.

Well, thank you for calling us.

I'm very pleased to speak with you, young sir.

All right.

Well, everybody, be sure to visit our homepage, madhouselive.com.

And andypcuradio.com is back.

That's my

When I

When I click my browser up

It goes to that page

Yep

Your home page you mean

Yes

That's what I meant

You know that thing

When you click the browser

The IE

It comes up

And that's the first page I look at

And then I immediately leave it

And go somewhere else

Well you gotta check the forums

I go to cubs.com

Do you ever check the forums on PCU

Yeah

You only have to check it once a month

Because no one really posts anything there

Every day there's about 4 or 5 posts

And then whenever I want to leave

like uh i click on a post or something like that like an actual forum thing you know and then you

have to double click to get out of it and that annoys the hell out of me you got to use firefox

and you can just i just middle click all the ones that i want to see and i just close them

yeah it's a long story i got tab tab browsing my friend tab browsing a new version of windows

media player came out yesterday i think a beta version of it i'm not interested in seeing it but

i don't know if anybody out there's downloaded it i heard it was great i heard good things about

it, but I'm not interested. I'm just happy

with Winamp. I don't have any need for

Windows Media Player, to be honest with you.

Yeah, Mad Men's on the orange cleaner

stuff. Clear Neuron.

Orange something. It's orange

something. We want to call that guy.

Orange Fire. Orange Fire.

Fire Ice.

Fierce. You remember that when they had

Gatorade Fierce? Yeah,

it was like Super Gatorade. Yeah, and they said

we took fire and we mixed it with ice

and we made Fierce. Gatorade Fierce.

That's true. He mixed fire and ice together

other is fierce that's what it is uh okay an arab an indian guy i remember being an indian guy

because i remember saying to myself that's an indian guy all right should we call him now maybe

it's too early over there where is this michigan it's not too early in michigan i don't think it's

too busy i think we'll get him back he probably works every night all night every day i'm saving

my money for gishnu gishnu harry christ gishnu is that what's the name of their shiva is that

the name of the supreme god anyway uh continuing on our toll-free line is not open yet let me open

Open that up.

The toll-free line, Andy, is what now?

1-888-278-8509.

Sure.

I've got to enable it.

Hang on, let me get in here.

Get in here, get in here, get in here.

1-888-278-8509.

And we're also in the chat room on PCURadio.com.

Go to PCURadio.com, Prank Call Underground Radio,

which is the station you're listening to us on.

We are not on HitCity because HitCity has apparently dropped us or something.

Is he answering your IMs or anything?

He says that he lost that and he's got another station

and he's got to convince the other guy to put us on.

He's just bullshitting me, I think.

He's not serious about it.

We should fight that guy.

We will.

We're going to take him down.

So everybody, Hit City is out of the picture.

There is no Madhouse Radio Network anymore.

Not for now.

I'm sure I'll pick up another station.

I just have to get serious about promoting it again.

It was nice to get that 30 listener boost for about 10 minutes

at the beginning of every show.

It felt good.

I started to go, oh, I hate this, and then they clicked off real quick.

It sucks, man.

Yeah, well that was iTunes. I'll get on iTunes once again.

Why don't you? How come you don't have an iTunes station?

My station doesn't run 24-7. I would need another computer to do that.

Wow, really?

One day when I get a new computer and I'll use this one for that.

Wow, I didn't know it was so complicated.

It is, it is.

You have to run 24-7? You could just run reruns of the show. Everybody would love that.

Yeah, I'm thinking I would run reruns and prank calls.

Like my prank calls that I've done and stuff like that, which aren't that many anyway.

And I want to make a CD, like a prank call CD.

That's what you're going to do?

I'm going to do that at the end of the year.

You're going to start asking for permission.

Oh, you're just going to be bootlegging everything?

That's what KDK does, man.

He's fine with it.

He doesn't care.

Actually, I'd like to announce my lawsuit against KDK.

You have a lawsuit against him?

Really?

Hey, even though he's never actually called me or victimized me in any way, I'm sure that

if I started, yeah, if he knew my last name and how to get in touch with me, he probably

would.

He probably would.

Well, the toll-free line is open, apparently.

So try it.

I doubt it, but it says it's open.

It's 1-888-278-8509.

If you're using AOL Instant Messenger, you can hit us up on Madhouse Radio.

Again, if you're on AOL Messenger, Madhouse Radio, Yahoo Messenger, Madhouse PCU Radio,

and MSN Messenger's Madhouse PCU Radio at hotmail.com.

I always mess that last one up for some reason.

And if you want to email us here, if you don't have access to an Instant Messaging client

client for whatever reason or another if you don't trust them or if you're at work or something

why don't you just email us madhouse radio at gmail.com is the email address and that's instant

delivery here to the desktop that we're looking at so we'll be able to read what you say as it

as it's received instantly so it's just as good to do that um send us your chat request send us

your uh suggestions and comments be sure to call in tonight for the time being we're going to do a

prank call in the chat room which you can uh visit over on pcuradio.com uh click on the chat

icon uh lonesome loser is requesting us well he's he's rather he's confirming numbers for us we got

a bunch here one that we saw in particular that we like is crazy clown clan and so it's called

clan with a k yeah and crazy with a k and then the clown with a c so it's kck and a kid answer

there. You know, I've never prank called a kid. Okay. We also have Kunkel Clans and Dagmar

and Wachula. I wonder what that is. That's south of Kissimmee, I think. I know, but I

wonder what a clan in Dagmar is. I don't know. A foreign sounding guy. Probably some Nazis

or something. Ethnic Nazis. We also have Kinks International. We have Crazy Cooters. And

we also have the Dunkin' Donuts. One of these two here is the Dunkin' Donuts that we prank

called last week that we played earlier at the beginning of the show. And for some reason

i have a mexican number here some guy sitting at that we should call that that's a lot of numbers

yeah i don't have an international card though you can't call there i don't know milkman was

supposed to buy an international card we should call him for it he said he did buy an international

card and then he said he was too tired to do the show tonight after everybody's waiting for him

wow really i fucked up with him how's he too tired he's my monkey got away and i chased it

around the house oh you hear about the bears that ate the monkey yeah isn't that a good story yeah

Yeah.

The people are upset.

Bears eat shit all the time.

Bears eat shit.

That's what, that bear, what?

If I was hungry and bored as that bear must be, I would eat that monkey too.

And I'd wait until a lot of people were there so they could all watch it happen.

Because I know it would horrify them.

A lot of kids.

They should have done it on the weekend.

They did it on a Monday, I think.

They should have went on Jerry Springer and did it.

Exactly.

Is that guy even on anymore, Jerry Springer?

Yeah.

He is?

He's all like transsexuals.

He's all transsexuals and the other guy is all, who's my dad?

Who's my baby's daddy?

Yeah.

Okay.

Poop Lander is sending numbers in from his little brother's school or something.

I think he does this with every show on PCU.

He's like, this is the kid you called before about Donovan McNabb.

Okay, I remember that.

Yeah, that was good.

That was all right.

Been done, though.

Anyway, Madman says PCs are all around, can do everything a Mac can with the right software.

Madman is a very big proponent of PCs over Macs.

What's wrong with a Mac, though?

Oh, my God.

Tux, he got a brand new G5 iMac, I want to say, like, two months ago, and he said it died.

Oh, my God.

You've got to be kidding me.

He just got that shit.

Seriously, he was all psyched about that, man.

Well, that sucks, Tuck.

I hear good things about Max, and lately people talk a lot of shit about Max.

They'd rather get a PC.

They're not.

Hawk Fan says he's got a lot of calls for us tonight to do for him.

I guess if we want, all these people answer.

Okay, we'll send him in, Hawk Fan.

Let's stop talking, and let's start calling.

What do you think?

You want to call this Mexican?

No, we can't call the Mexican guy.

Unless we get a hold of Milkman.

Spanx, grab and go.

Crazy.

Let's call the crazy.

Let's call the Crazy Clown Clan.

Rockford, Illinois, home of the Rockford Cubbies.

Really?

Yeah.

What about the Daytona Cubs?

Yeah, we got them too.

They're the Cubs, but the Rockford is Cubbies.

While you're calling, I'm going to eat peanuts.

Hey, how you doing?

Good.

What's up, buddy?

Good.

Are you the guy who said,

fuck you, bitch, motherfucker, to me last week?

That's a great call.

Yeah, that was great.

That worked out well.

You should have just played his own clip.

Hey, I'm going to do that right now.

Hang on, let's wait for the bitch to come back.

3 hours 4 minutes

Looks like orange power

Alright let's ask

What's his second name

We'll call him back

We'll get him back later guys

We'll call later

And we'll just play

Him cursing at himself

Fuck you a bitch

Motherfucker

Just like that

Was that you sir?

Was this you sir?

We'll tell them

That we're from

The immigration bureau

Alright

Immigration bureau

Michigan

La migra

That's what they call it

The migration

Or whatever they call it

La migra

You call a Mexican

Say that you're with

The la migra

They're gonna get scared

La raza

Milkman has an

International card

We should call his ass.

You know?

Yeah.

Let's do that.

Let's call Milkman and see if we can wake him up.

I'm busy sleeping.

I'm busy playing with Kitty.

Hold on.

I almost got the whole fist in, Carlito.

I just shaved my back with a seashell.

Let's see how Milkman's doing.

I'm tired.

What's he got to be tired about?

He's been on the jackhammer for nine hours, he said.

What does he say?

He knows how to use the jackhammer?

I guess so.

He works with some founders.

Make a voice message, press one, or just wait for the tone to send a numeric page

Orange Glow.

Yeah, Lonesome Loser.

Orange Glow, that's the one.

I love that guy.

What's his name?

Billy Banks?

Lonesome Loser, man.

Oh, the guy?

Who is that guy?

Billy something.

Well, thank you, Lonesome Loser.

I need to call that guy.

Well, apparently someone's saying that you dip your weed in that and it gets you all

fucked up.

That's probably bullshit.

OxiClean, I think, is made by the same guy, right?

Yeah, well, no, the same guy does the things for us.

Well, not me, yeah.

He's employed by the same company.

That guy's like the greatest salesman ever.

My favorite one is where he's driving his SUV down the street, and he's got, like, the hand-free phone.

I think it's shot.

My cell phone plugs directly into my radio.

And he's like, he calls his secretary.

You know, I used to like waking up Saturdays and just watching infomercials until about 12, smoking weed.

That was a weird thing I used to do, yeah.

You did that?

This one time on a Sunday, I woke up and I was smoking weed, and I was like, man, there's nothing good on TV.

And I put it on PBS, and this hour-long special on marijuana came on.

Like at 10 o'clock in the morning on a Sunday

I was like, this is so weird

And I had a moment

You barely smoked

That's not even weed what you're smoking

I don't know what that is

I'm about to smoke a cigar

Here, let me open my cigar

Oh, and I have my cigar cutter

Damn

I saw it earlier, I thought

Is it out here?

It should be

Or else would it be?

There it is

There's my cigar cutter

Look, I'm giving it to you right now

I need to get a nicer one

I need to get the kind that just puts a hole right in the middle of it

You go like that

And it punches a hole right in the middle

Like a nail gun

That's what I got you

That's what they use as circumcising

Yeah?

Yeah

Oh, okay

And three, two, one.

Yeah, that's how it went.

Just like that.

Snippy, snippy.

Yep.

And my ashtray, which is actually a candle holder.

Yeah.

Nice ashtray.

Yeah, these cigars are having a coffin, like, the next day.

They're not that.

They're pretty good.

I mean, they're decent.

They're fresh, actually.

They're fresh.

Yeah, they're not, um, yeah, they were free, so I can't complain.

But I can't light that now.

It takes a while to light a cigar.

It looks very gay.

If you do it right.

Um, what else can we call here?

Let's see what we got.

Mexico.

I really wish I could get a hold of Milkman.

I know he's listening, man.

Give us that international phone card you picked up today.

Because that would be awesome.

We could call Mexico and UK and Australia.

Call Spanx, grab and go.

Yeah, Spanx, grab and go.

I got to talk to the kid at Crazy Clown.

That's hard to say fast, isn't it?

Crazy Clown Clan.

Yeah, you could go at it from either the Ku Klux Klan or the Insane Clown Posse.

Either way, I think this is a winner.

Do you want to do that call?

Yeah.

Do you mind?

Huh?

You're not drunk enough to do a call yet?

No, not yet.

I'll laugh through it.

That's good.

I'll go in there and see.

I can't deadpan it.

Hello?

Hey, how you doing?

Fine.

Can I speak with a clown, please?

He's not available.

Can I take a message?

Well, I need clown services urgently.

I was wondering how soon you might be available.

No one tonight.

What's with your attitude?

You know, I'm trying to get my kids' homework done,

and it is almost, what, 9.30 at night?

I can help you with that.

What kind of homework is it?

Damn.

Oh, bitch, I'm asking for some help.

Stupid clown.

I'm a clown, a clown bitch.

I'm going to curse her out.

Hang on.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

A, B, C, next line, six.

Okay.

What a cunt.

Stupid bitch.

Her kid's doing fucking retard homework.

Mm-hmm.

I think that was the dead's out.

He's a teacher on a read.

The dead's learning how to read.

He's teaching me how to do the two-foot-two.

He's still in homeschooling.

He's 21 or something.

I think he's over.

He's got to be over 21.

21, he's always buying alcohol and shit.

He's already a full-blown alcoholic, so yeah.

What's the youngest alcoholic you ever knew?

I knew a lot of probably, like, 18-year-olds.

That's sad, isn't it?

I drank a lot from ages 20 to 21,

and then I pretty much quit drinking after I turned 21.

Yeah?

Yeah, isn't it?

I hear that a lot.

The whole taboo thing.

I hear that a lot.

People say that once they turn 21,

it wasn't such a big deal anymore.

No, after I turned 21, I started smoking weed.

Oh, okay.

That's what it was.

You moved up from there.

Okay.

God, this is retarded.

I don't feel like, I feel great the next day if I smoke weed.

These peanuts are good.

Thanks, Andy.

You're welcome.

I appreciate that.

Everybody loves peanuts.

They're a sensible solution, too.

It's good.

How many carbs in this?

They got, like, a good roughage.

Like, they release, they knock stuff that's, like, congesting your throat into your stomach.

Great.

That's exactly what I want.

Get that flam in my belly.

There we go.

Okay.

Yeah, James and Ferris are saying that her kids are doing, that she's doing her kids' homework.

Yeah, I noticed that as well.

Uh-huh.

She says, I'm trying to do their homework.

You know she couldn't do it.

but she's retarded.

She's like,

I don't know.

Let's do this,

do that.

Stupid woman acting all rude.

She was a cunt whore.

Yeah,

she was.

You don't treat,

you know,

business like that.

You know what I mean?

Someone's calling to give you some business.

At least you can do,

the least you can do is take a message.

You know what I mean?

I don't tell her.

I'll talk to her.

She sounded pretty too.

You think she sounded pretty?

Yeah.

I don't think there's very many pretty girls

in Rockford, Illinois.

Home of the Rockford Cubbies.

That looks funny.

What?

Formerly known as Jizz Biz.

Yeah,

yeah,

Yeah, I saw that.

Call me, tell me you got it.

Come on, lady, pick up.

Yell at me.

Beach, 399.

La, la, la, la.

Brasier.

The wrong number?

Let's get out of here.

I hate it when messages do that.

Come on, lady.

You don't have to be so rude when I'm just trying to call, give you some business.

Why don't you let me speak to Mr. Clown?

Please, pick up.

I know you're there, doing your children's homework yourself.

Come on, lady, pick up.

Be nice.

Hey, lady.

Lady.

All right.

Want to say anything, Andy?

All right.

Bye.

I hate you, dad.

Yeah.

Madhouse what?

I'm sure people understand that, too.

I'm sure they buy it.

All the kids like it.

Okay.

Let's see here.

KDK pranked him regarding people coming in and out of his house.

And loud noise and underage.

Margie Kotax.

Apparently, it's KDK's boyfriend's ex-friend or ex-boyfriend's friend.

I don't know if I buy it, Andy.

I believe it.

Mediterranean Grill and Pizza.

Where a woman answered.

Spanx Grab and Go.

You seem to like that one.

I like Spanx Grab and Go.

That's sexy.

I like Spanx Grab and Go, dude.

Now I'm bleeding.

everybody was Spanx.

Danzy.

I didn't even know

who they were.

Who said it?

There's like a,

I think a tape of him

getting beat up or something.

Danzy got beat up?

Yeah,

like he was talking shit

to like a roadie or something

and a roadie just popped

and knocked him out.

I'm not sure

if someone knows though.

Maybe it's not Danzy,

maybe it's someone else.

He's one of those guys

who got like

all ripped and shit

but he's like 5'8".

Did you see a video

of Keith or someone

tackling a Christmas tree?

No.

Yeah,

Yeah, apparently he tackled some Christmas tree in some documentary. I don't know why.

He was drunk and he said, I don't like this Christmas tree. Can I tackle it? I'll pay for it.

I'm like, okay, sure. He tackled it.

Danzig is like the sexiest owner KDK ever met.

It's this song right here.

Put mother on.

Oh, it's even. Mother.

Oh my god, this one's...

KDK lost his virginity to this song.

What?

He lost his virginity to this song. KDK.

Like bands named after people.

What's his first name? Ponds or something?

been dancing

how you doing buddy

can I help you

good are you still seating

pardon me

are you still seating

I don't understand what you're saying

this is the grab and go

yeah

can I still play the lottery

for tonight's jackpot

no no no you can't

it's already closed off

what time is the drawing though

pardon me

what time is the drawing

I got some tickets

I wanted to buy some more

the drawing for what

for the

what are you drawing for

for the lottery

for the lotto tonight

yes I understand that

I have it

I have it shut off already

yeah but what time is the drawing

Oh, 10 o'clock.

Oh yeah, so do you have the results yet?

No, I don't.

You gonna get them?

I won't have them until tomorrow morning.

But don't you, can't you get them through the computer for me and stuff?

No, it shut off, sir.

But I played like 10 numbers, man.

I'm sorry, it shut off.

Ten dollars, man, come on, what are the numbers gonna be? Hook me up, yo.

I, I, I'm sorry, it shut off. I got stuff to do, buddy.

Well, I got stuff to do too. Hey, hey, sir.

Yes?

Be a buddy, come on, just tell me what the lottery numbers are tonight.

They're not. I can't do nothing until 10 o'clock.

What were last night's numbers?

I...

Please, come on.

I don't... I... The machine shut off, sir.

You know me. I come in every day. You got yesterday's numbers there in the paper or something. You gotta help me out, man. No one will tell me.

I'm telling you, I have the machine shut off, sir.

Well, can't you look in the paper and just tell me last night's lotto numbers?

Hold on one second.

Thanks, buddy.

Let me find it in the garbage can.

Okay.

No, I don't have them.

You don't have them?

No, I don't.

How many numbers? Is it three or four?

I don't understand. What do you want the lotto numbers for?

I just want last night's numbers, man.

There's five different games.

Yeah, with the pick three or whatever it is.

The one with three numbers.

I mean, buddy, all I can tell you is turn on CLTV.

What three numbers?

The machine is shut off, sir.

What three numbers would you play?

I'm busy right now.

I'm lopping the floors, bud.

Just give me three numbers, man.

Lopping the floors isn't important anyway.

You know they don't check that every day.

You can slide more.

I gotta go, bud.

I gotta go.

Seriously, don't, man.

Come on.

Don't do this to me.

You're killing me.

You've been there for a while.

You looked at the trash for me.

What a dumbass.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

What an ass clown.

Yeah, I was right about that.

Oh, don't.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

I'd just like to say that I was right with the Danzig thing and that there's a video of him getting punched by a fat guy and he gets knocked out.

Fat guy's punched, right?

Don't start punching me like you did last night.

You pissed me off about this shit.

You punched me after the show and I was about to...

Yeah.

I was about to kick you anyway.

King's International.

Hey, how you doing, ma'am?

Good, how are you?

What time did you guys open tonight?

Excuse me?

What time did you guys open tonight?

We've been open all day.

All day?

Did you close at all?

What time do you close, then?

Do you have an appointment?

Are you trying to make an appointment?

I thought I did, and I called earlier, like, this morning, and some lady said, no, you

didn't have no appointment, so I guess I have to make another one.

It's kind of rude.

You asked me.

Who's your appointment with?

I don't know.

Some chick.

Okay.

So, can we do this, or what?

What is it that you're trying to do?

Get a massage.

No, we don't have massages.

What do you have there, then?

We do her.

What do you mean, her?

We do her here.

You do heroin there?

We don't do massages.

Then what do you do?

You're getting a little snippy with me.

Am I?

Yeah.

I'm getting snippy.

Why do women always laugh at me and make fun of me?

Why?

Why can't I just get some help?

I'm trying to help you.

All right, so give me an appointment.

Okay, we don't do massage if you're trying to get an appointment for a massage.

Then what do you do?

We do hair.

Okay, that's what...

Okay, well, just...

You don't have the back massager?

No.

Someone told me that you guys give the good massages there with the, you know, the...

How you doing at the end.

The...

At the end, you know?

I don't know what that is.

But, hey, hey, hey, you know?

Yeah, that's what they told me.

Can you make that noise for me real quick? Come on, you know what that means, right?

I think you have the wrong number. This is Kinks International. I want to get it all kinky. You do?

Yeah. You want to get it kinky? That's what it's about. That's what my boy told me. He said he went in there.

K-I-N-K-S, not K-I-N-K-Y. Oh, well Kinks is... So you have the wrong number. I just want a quick kink.

Okay, well then you should try, um... You guys do nooners there?

I guess I assume things.

Massage. Danzy gets punched out. Video of it, Andy. We're just watching right now.

It's funny, though. I like it.

Yeah?

I like when anyone gets lost, a lot of money gets...

What just happened?

It's like, like, something too long ago.

It was, like, after a con.

I would definitely go over there.

Why can't you move it out of the way?

Because it's got the hot ones on it.

It's a play shot.

It's $2.60.

Fuck you, motherfucker.

You pushed it first.

You bitch.

What a faggot.

Yeah, and then you got knocked out.

Northside Kings.

Fuck you, motherfucker.

Look at him laying there.

Look at his girl go.

It's crazy.

I'll kick his ass.

No, she starts yelling, you fat ass.

She's yelling, you fat ass.

Chief shot. He pushed him.

Yeah, that's a cheap shot if you get pushed.

Yeah, girls shouldn't comment on fights.

I almost got in a fight at the park yesterday.

Yesterday?

Yeah.

Oh, cool. Here we go. Slow motion.

Yeah, and Danny is simply talking to Danny.

there's no weapon of any kind

it's not even a really good punch

Dan's just a punch

a punk

alright good deal

everybody can click on the link that I put in the chatroom to see that

yeah watch the guy get punched

yeah there's a little like

I was playing basketball and this kid

he called me a fat ass

and then there's a loose ball

and he was jumping for it so I just ran into him

and then he's like

no fuck you up and he was talking all this shit

and I was like dude

Dude, I was like, I'll kill you.

And I was like, I can't fight you because he's like, you know, 16.

I was like, I can't fight you.

But if we did fight, I would totally mess you up.

Was he black?

No, he was a little white kid.

Was he white?

Yeah, he was talking all sorts of shit.

I was just standing there.

And I'm like, well, I'm right here.

I'm like, I got to already tell you.

Because, you know, when everybody, they started, like, getting all upset and hopping around and shit.

They're not going to fight.

They're just playing around and shit.

Yeah, they're just like, oh, you know, they're trying to get there.

You know, they're trying to show off for their boys and everything like that.

You know, when I was a kid and I wanted to fight, I just hit you.

Okay.

Really?

Yeah, you just brought it.

Yeah.

I'm a gifted fighter.

When was the last time you got in a fight?

Where's my beer?

Oh, I left my beer over there in the kitchen.

Like a year and a half ago, probably.

It wasn't much of a fight.

I hit a guy.

Oh, it was that one house, Gary's party, right?

Yeah, we were at a party, and there was, like, a bunch of high school kids who crashed it,

and they were starting trouble.

And then we, you know, we kind of, like, threw them all out and locked them out of the house,

and then they wouldn't leave.

So everybody was outside, and, you know, we were telling them to get out of there.

and then one of them hit my friend micro and he hit micro micro like micro and another kid started

grabbing each other micro the little guy he was grabbing some little kid and they're grabbing

each other and then this guy like pushed micro wait a minute and i this short guy was called

micro was that a joke no his name is micro oh but he was small he's called a micro so micro and this

kid were kind of like this had a hole in each other and they're like kind of they weren't

fighting they're just like being you know like little pussies and then so this guy's friend who

was like a you know pretty big good sized guy like pushed my girl from behind like into the kid

yeah so i punched him in the jaw and i dropped him and i was on the ground after him and i was

punching him in the head and then uh my friend eli was like a 300 pound black guy started kicking

the bag and the dude got up and he just ran through his truck and he locked the doors and

his girl yeah i had long hair then his girl grabbed my hair and she was punching me in the

the back of the head so i turned around i i started to swing at her i saw the girl so i stopped

oh really yeah i didn't know at that point yeah my friend gary was beating up another girl

i look up my friend gary's fighting this girl and it's like an even fight like

she's landing punches gary's landing punches it was chaotic yeah gary's like a steroid taking

Acne face

He's like

Hey listen

He's a very angry guy

Very weird

Not a steroid

He's not like an angry guy

But it was his house

And these kids were like

Fucking it up

Yeah

Yeah so Gary was fighting

With a girl

You know

And then

You know these same kids

Like

We had a party like

Oh jeez

I got a peanut in my throat again

Again

We had a party there

Like two weeks later

And they showed up

And they were totally cool

And they were like

Apologizing for it

Really

After all that shit

Yeah it was great though

Like if I get a chance

To punch someone

For no reason

I'm gonna take it

You know especially

Especially if I don't get hit.

Like, the girl was punching me in the back of the head, but that doesn't really hurt.

No, I guess not.

No.

It can take a lot of, I guess.

Yeah, I've taken way worse.

Like, I've been hitting it with, like, pots and pans and, like.

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay.

I've had, like, bottles hit me on the head a couple times, so.

Was this your mom?

No, no.

One time I was at work, and I was, like, washing dishes, and I pulled down the pot

and pan rack, and they all just, like, slid.

And they just, like, hit me on the head, like, one after the other.

for like a good minute

and I was stunned

so I couldn't move.

So what did you think

about Lost?

Any ideas?

I liked it.

Next week's going to be

a good episode do you think?

Yeah.

I'm glad that Saeed

figured out that

they're getting set up.

I think Saeed's

going to get killed.

I hope not.

He's my favorite.

Him and Echo

are like the badasses.

Echo and Locke

are my two favorites.

No I don't like Locke.

I think he's a douchebag.

Nah he's cool.

He's all uptight

like one minute

he's like

we should do it

every one

and the next minute

he's like

I'm all upset.

He's supposed to be

in control.

though that's true that's the best thing about him yeah and he walks that's amazing yeah like

but he like at the end of the episode if you notice he started walking i wonder where he was

going you think he's probably going to follow him he's got he can follow stints he left he left

before everybody and like he just started walking down the beach he put his pack on he started

walking down the beach yeah oh you got a point he just sat in on his own too yeah it should be so

obvious to them and i was glad that's how he brought it up to jack he's like look you know

You know, this is, this is, he's lying to us.

It's obvious.

Saeed can tell because he was interrogated.

Yeah, I mean, just the whole thing was stupid.

He's like, you know, you're going to go fight someone,

you're not going to let that one military guy go?

Exactly, that doesn't make any sense.

And why is Hurley going?

That's like me going.

It's a big fat guy.

Like, what am I going to do?

Fuck.

Let's bring the big fat guy.

Let's bring the big fat guy to slow us down.

Let's bring the big fat mental patient.

Eat all the rations.

Yeah, because he's probably really good in the jungle.

Yeah, he blends in perfectly with his big fat red shirt, too.

And he'll be real hard to hit in a gunfight.

They're probably thinking, if we bring Hurley, everybody's going to shoot at him because he's so fat.

Operation Human Shield.

We'll crouch behind him and push him forward, and he'll absorb all the bullets.

Poop says Hurley eats his own shit, and that's why he's fat.

People started complaining that he was fat, and then all of a sudden they wrote in the thing to show how he was still so fat because he stole all the food.

Yeah, remember the scene where he was going to get skinny and stuff?

It probably lasted like a week.

well i guess in show in show terms you know i was thinking today like that um that korean chick

that's pregnant yeah she's hot man do you see that when she's got like the bikinis on she's got a

fucking body on her well she's gonna be pregnant for like the rest of the show because like you

know what i mean like nine months pregnancy and this show the show's not even gonna go that long

so we'll probably never see it you know like they're never gonna i mean i'm pregnant and

you'll never notice you never show up yeah like you know i like that one girl who died um those

Those were my two favorite girls.

I thought Anna Lucia had a banging body, too.

Anna Lucia?

Yeah, and then...

The girl from Fast and the Furious?

Yeah, and then the other girl, the white girl, she wasn't the fat guy, so I immediately liked

her.

Oh, I was very touched.

Yeah, I was like, a hot blonde girl into a fat guy?

She's great.

I thought she was fake.

Yeah.

She was obviously out for Hurley's money.

She found out that he was very rich.

Very rich, yeah.

Okay.

And he got a good coke.

Mm-hmm.

The island healed him, I guess so.

We need to make another call.

We're floundering here.

We're not paying attention.

attention. What else do we have here?

Danzig Baptist Church.

I love when he goes on a little

It's cool because I know he's listening

when he does this. You know what I mean? He gets it.

Why wouldn't he be listening?

He just might not be. I know I was missing music.

Andy? Andy's going to step out.

Andy's going to take a shit.

Yeah, give me a beer. Thanks, man.

Appreciate that. What am I going to do without you, Andy?

I guess I'll have Athena.

Andy's going to the bathroom and I'm going to do a beer run

and I'm going to do a call here to the

Danzig Baptist Church

in Avon, South Dakota?

I guess SD is South Dakota?

Hang on, everybody.

Next prank is coming right now.

Hey, how you doing, everybody?

Fine, thank you.

This is Danzig Church.

What is your name, Pastor?

Who is asking?

My name?

Hugo Hurley.

Sorry, I didn't understand that.

My first name is Hugo.

My last name is Hurley.

Okay.

And I'm looking to join a church, and I was leaning towards Baptist.

Yes, our church is a Baptist church.

Okay. Can you explain to me a little bit about the differences between your church and my Catholic church that I've been leaving?

Where do you live, sir?

I'm in Avon. I moved here recently. I live on 88th. I moved here by myself.

I became divorced, and I'm a recovering alcoholic, and I'm not happy with the Catholic church.

And I know something's not right, so I'm just trying to get an idea.

I called the Pentecostals, and I've called the Episcopalians,

and you're the Baptist church in town, and I thought I'd give you a call

and see what you had to offer.

We're not the Baptist church in town.

We're the one out in the country.

You're the first Baptist church in town also.

Well, I mean, maybe you could.

Well, the other one in town didn't want to answer.

They were unavailable, so I thought, you know,

someone told me to give a call to the pastor at this church.

I guess they go there.

I was at the Dunkin' Donuts.

Do you have a cell phone?

Yes, I'm on a cell phone.

A cell phone? Is that?

No, I don't know. Are you on a cell phone?

I'm not on a cell phone, but I thought maybe you were on a cell phone

because cell phone reception is so poor here in Avon.

No, I'm calling pretty much from my home right now.

Oh, I see.

Is this better?

Well, you must have a bad connection or something.

It's cutting out like it happens on a cell phone when people call a cell phone here in this area.

That's why I thought maybe you were on a cell phone.

No, that's okay.

Do you live here in town?

I'm new here.

I don't know anything around here.

I know where the Dunkin' Donuts is, and that's about it.

Dunkin' Donuts?

What do you mean?

The A1?

Yeah, we call it Dunkin' Donuts, back in my house, yeah.

I see, okay.

And you have a family?

No, I'm by myself.

I had a family.

We lost our son, and we lost our son to encephalitis, and it didn't work out.

We got divorced.

I see.

So how long have you been here?

About this home two weeks ago.

I've just settled in on Sunday.

Oh, over here on the east side of town?

I believe it's on the east side.

I'm on 88th Street.

Are you quizzing me, sir?

Well, I'm just curious. I don't know who moved into town.

Somebody moved in about three blocks south of us here, and I was just wondering if that was us.

I believe that that might be, yeah.

Are you close to 299th, I think it is, or something like that, or 298th?

Well, we're on 299th Street out in the country, yes.

Oh, okay. Maybe that is you.

I don't know the area well, like I said. I've only been here a few days.

I just finished unpacking. I've really been at home the whole time.

Yeah, I see. So you live out in the country, actually. You don't live here in town.

No, I just came here from Connecticut.

Oh, okay. I'm trying to get my bearings here, because I was trying to figure out where you live.

So what can you tell me about God, Jesus, and whatnot?

Your background is Catholic, you said.

Yeah, all my life. That's right.

I was in the seminary.

You were in a seminary?

Yes, I was.

So you were in a Catholic seminary?

Yeah, for about three months, and it didn't work out.

Down in South Florida, Fort Lauderdale.

Uh-huh. The Bible.

Pretty much, and the only reason it became a Catholic seminary was because of a girl.

Because of a girl? You're running away from a girl, or what?

No, more the other way around. I wanted to impress her.

Oh, you wanted to impress her, I see.

Okay.

The Virgin Mary.

That didn't work out.

I'm talking about the Virgin Mary. It's a joke.

Uh-huh.

Get it?

Okay.

I got it. Okay. Got the point now.

Okay. Just a little Baptist humor, you know.

No, a little Christian humor, that's all.

Yeah. Well, I'm sorry. I thought that you had gone to seminary because...

No, no, I haven't.

over a bad relationship with a girl or something.

Well, yeah, I didn't have a good relationship with my mom,

so I was trying to mend things with that.

She thought I should always be a priest.

So I decided to go out.

I was there for about three months,

and I just decided it wasn't the thing for me.

That's when the alcoholism started.

Then I got married.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

So what would you say is your relationship?

I don't talk much to him.

I think he's pretty much forgotten me.

He pretty much hates me, I think.

Why would he hate you?

I've done so many bad things, you know.

I've cursed him so many times.

I say stuff like,

God damn it, all the time.

horrible horrible things i don't read the bible anymore i don't go to mass or church or whatever

it is you people call it and i'm drinking alcohol and women womanizing and stuff and you know i i

did the whole 12-step program and i learned about god and how that's the way and you know i'm ready

to take that final step and give myself unto the lord and and quit my addictions i don't know where

to do it i moved here i moved here to this part of town i moved here to this part of the country

you know to get away from all the bad influences and stuff and now i'm trying to take that final

step i don't know what to do i'm lost pastor i'm sheep and i'm lost and you know you're the

shepherd lead me back to the flock or whatever did he do yeah that's a good way to put it because

we need to lord wants to be our shepherd he wants to care for us because he does love us he doesn't

hate us he hates our sin and he likes or he loves us he likes our fluffy wool too i mean by that i

I don't know. Every once in a while he just likes to skin us, take all our wool away.

I mean, he thinks it's okay, but the sheep don't like it. It makes them cold, feel naked.

Oh, talking about the shearing process.

Yeah.

Sometimes we do go through problems, but maybe the Lord needs things like that to pay attention.

The Lord needs to make more money is all it is, apparently.

No shepherd out there, no sheep has ever gotten sheared just to teach them a lesson.

It's been sheared to take the wool off and to make a sweater or something.

Well, but the Lord owns all things, so he doesn't need what we have.

I don't know.

So how did the universe get created, then?

Well, by the Lord, yes.

How does he exist?

How does he exist, though?

I don't understand.

We've got to be able to figure that out.

If we could understand God, then we would be God.

Yeah, but there's got to be an explanation.

If God made everything that exists, then how does God exist?

Well, you're asking questions that I don't have answers for.

There doesn't seem to be a lot of help.

I mean, could Jesus microwave a burrito hot enough that he could not eat it himself?

He's going in circles now.

This is my problem. This is why God hates me.

Go ahead.

Have you been drinking at all by any chance?

I haven't drunk in about three months, and I have a beer right here that I have up to my lips, and I think I'm going to drink it.

Just opened it.

Officer, are you there?

Are you alone?

I'm here.

Are you alone?

Nobody else with you?

Nobody else is here with me. I have nobody.

I don't even have God. All I have is you to talk to right now.

Tell me again why you decided to call me.

Because I'm trying to find help.

I'm about to.

I've gone three months without drinking, having a drop of alcohol, and have a beer right in front of me.

I'm going to drink it.

There's no way I can stop you.

That's up to you.

No.

You already know that you're not going to solve any problems that way.

But the Bible.

I do.

How long has it been since you read the Bible?

I don't know.

It's been years.

Two years, if that.

Last time I prayed, this was one time a few weeks ago, I thought I was choking.

I was saying, God, please no.

It was the last time I prayed.

A peanut.

Did you think that you could get to God then?

I don't know.

No, I just, I'm reaching out for the Lord and pastor.

I'll be honest, you wouldn't even tell me your name.

How am I supposed to connect with you?

Oh, I'm sorry, my name's Harry Johnson.

I was just curious where you're calling from because it was so strange the way you're coming through.

And so I was just wondering, like, if you're calling from along the way or by or what?

Pastor Johnson?

Pastor Harry Johnson?

You're Pastor Harry Johnson?

Yes.

I've heard of you.

You have?

We used to have one of you in Connecticut.

And then your relation to mine, because anybody named Johnson,

the likelihood is I'm not related to them rather than him.

You know, I don't think he was a hairy Johnson.

I don't think he was a hairy Johnson.

They used to call him tiny.

Getting back to your situation,

if I could have some time and talk with you, I guess it would be easier than doing this,

but let me just ask you, do you realize that you're a sinner?

Yes, most definitely.

Here I am, you know, with the beer in front of my hand, and that's the devil's blood.

what? Well, realize that God

is somebody who can help you

into your life, giving us what you need.

But how? How? How do I do this?

I need to know. I need to know. I need to find

the God. Yes. Well,

to admit that you're a sinner, you need to

admit the God that you're a sinner, ask

him to give you, because that's why

Jesus died on the cross, so that we

can be forgiven, so that we can become

his children. And you need to just

pray a simple prayer and ask God to come into

your life. Can I lead you in that prayer?

Please do, Pastor. Pastor Johnson.

Okay, let's do that.

Dear Lord, thank you for loving me.

Get out of there.

And thank you for sending Jesus as Savior.

Thank you for doing Jesus as Savior.

I admit that I need your forgiveness.

I admit that I want it.

Yeah, I need it too, right?

I love it.

You not only want it, you need it, right?

I love it, Harry Thompson, I love it.

Thank you for coming into my heart and changing me.

Thank you for coming in me and changing me.

For giving me new life in Christ.

Thank you for rising.

Thank you for...

What is this part?

Thank you for giving me new life in Christ.

In Christ.

On me.

Do in Christ.

Help me in Christ.

Help me lift you.

In Jesus' name.

Amen.

All right, man.

God promised to ask him to forgive us.

He would forgive us.

What does he know?

Been forgiven.

What does he know?

You've been forgiven.

Am I saved?

Am I saved yet or not?

Do you know in your own life now that you have been forgiven?

Am I?

Seriously, am I forgiven already?

I'm asking you.

Yeah, I guess.

I mean, if it's all it takes.

Am I forgiven now?

What do I do?

Do I have to jump over a room or something?

I'm sorry, I can't understand what you were saying.

It's over.

What's over?

My life.

My life of sin is over.

I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and the Virgin Mary.

I'm talking about the Virgin Mary.

She didn't come to save you.

Jesus came to save you.

With the Virgin Mary, she's here for me.

She talks to Jesus for me and everything.

You need to read your Bible and find out that that's not true.

I read the Bible. It says the Da Vinci Code on it. Someone said, read this. Is that correct?

I'm sorry. It's awful hard to understand what you're saying because of your phone.

The Da Vinci Code, sir.

You're talking about the Da Vinci Code?

Yes, I read the Da Vinci Code.

You read the Da Vinci Code.

Yeah, Pastor Tiny Johnson said that it was the truth.

What do you think?

I don't know. I mean, I don't know what to think. I don't know what to think, you know.

You need to read the Bible, then you'll find out the truth.

Okay, and what is the truth?

That Jesus came down, chariot of fire.

Jesus said, I am the way, the truth, and the life.

You need to follow Jesus.

He died on the cross, right?

What the hell?

He died on the cross, Jesus did, right?

Yes.

So that I could eat pork.

Yes?

Yes.

So that you what?

So that I could eat pork.

I still can't understand that word you're saying.

Pork, pork.

You know, the Jews don't eat pork.

Forget about that.

Think about your relationship with God.

All right.

Can you lead me in a song?

Do and don't do.

It's our relationship with God that's important.

Hey, Pastor Harry Johnson,

what's your favorite religious song that you sing in service?

I don't have any favorite religious song.

Sin is not my business.

Do you sing at all?

Do you sing along with the choir?

Do you sing with the choir or anything?

I sing, but I don't have any religion.

Well, let's sing.

Let's sing something.

Because Christ is not for you to have a religion.

He wants you to have a relationship with him.

He wants you to know him.

Can you sing Free Bird?

Come on, let's do some Free Bird.

You ready?

Sorry, I didn't hear what you said.

Free Bird, Free Bird.

Come on.

You know in the Garden of Eden?

In the Garden of Eden, honey.

I don't know what the rest of them...

I don't know.

Pastor, I'll tell you, it's been a great conversation with you,

but you really haven't helped me out very much.

I'm a terrible guy to understand you because your phone keeps cutting out,

so I'm getting part of what you're saying.

Well, your phone keeps cutting out.

I don't think it's my phone.

I don't know.

How old are you, Pastor?

What difference does that make?

I just like to know how old you are.

What matters?

Come on, tell me now.

How old are you?

Tell me now.

I thought we were talking about you.

In the name of Jesus Christ, God's only Son, our Lord, I command you to tell me your age.

Yes, Andy.

I need a two-on-two basketball partner.

Play basketball.

Sorry.

What do you play?

I don't play much of any games.

Hey, would you throw a Bible up in the air and then hit it with a baseball bat?

I've done that.

You have?

Are you sure you haven't been drinking?

I'll be honest with you, I'm on my third drink.

I'm sitting in my car on my cell phone.

Here's what happened.

I got home from the bar, and I just, I drove straight through the garage door here at my house.

And it's sticking half in, half out, and I'm on the cell phone.

My pants are on my ankles.

And I've not only been drinking, but I've lost a bit of blood from my forehead.

Fucking airbag didn't work, man.

He told me before you weren't on a cell phone.

Now you're telling me you are on a cell phone.

Sold my airbag.

To go to bed to rest.

And after you rest, you can read your Bible.

Yeah, but every time I go to sleep, I see the devil giving a sheep.

He says, where's your God now?

Well, you just have to tell him he's in your heart now because you asked him to come into your heart.

I can't talk to him.

Every time I try to talk to him, God's hand comes over my mouth and doesn't let me speak.

They're in cahoots.

Cahoots, I say.

See, you're not making sense.

I'm not.

I'm drunk.

That's what you always blame it on, Pastor.

You always got to blame it on that, me being drunk.

You always got to blame it on me being drunk, don't you?

I get home, I cook and I clean for you, and this is the treatment I get.

Now you're not making any sense at all, so say goodbye,

and please don't call again tonight, okay?

All right, go to hell.

Wait until you're sober, and then we can talk, okay?

Oh, okay.

I love you.

Thank you.

All right.

Great call.

That was long.

How long do you think that was?

It was like 30 minutes.

Was it really?

No.

It was great because his name was Harry Johnson.

How lucky is that?

Harry Johnson.

I was trying so hard not to laugh when he said that.

I was like, he just kept going.

I died.

I went nuts.

Yeah, my old pastor was Tiny Johnson.

They call him Tiny at least.

And he led us in prayer, too.

Maybe we should call him once a week at the beginning of the show.

Yeah, it's going to bless the show for us or something like that.

That'd be great.

Next week we can do that.

You're like Sebastian Sloan.

Yo, could you throw down some blessings on us, yo, pastor?

Ask him if he can pray for the dead's retardedness.

We have a friend

Who's retarded

He's possessed

We should do that

We should have the dad call in

And call him

Because our friend is possessed

Our friend is possessed

What do we do pastor

He's possessed by down syndrome

Hello

I'm

Head pastor

Harry Thompson

Your mother sucks cock to hell

Fuck you motherfucker

Ah fuck

I just knocked my elbow on the desk

Motherfucker

Why

actually love immigrants and the way they drive and how nice and noisy they make their

cars, Andy.

Who does that?

Immigrants.

Oh, that's the immigrants?

Puerto Ricans do, which is like the step above it, I guess.

I want my cigar handy and chain to people.

I'm going to play some music here.

Andy, tell us about Mexico.

What's going on over there, man?

A lot of problems.

Do you think the National Guard deployments are all, like, just to keep our border safe?

I don't think it's really going to help much.

But, you know, I guess, like, it's better to send 6,000 guys there than none.

But then, like, you know, who wants to be in the National Guard and then you have to go to the Mexican border?

Better than going to Iraq.

Yeah, I guess that's true.

You're not going to get blown up or get your head chopped off there.

Yeah, what's going to happen?

Are you going to get sick?

I guess, yeah, that's a good point.

yeah he says you know but then you know like we need like you know the national guard is supposed

to be for you know to protect america well they're doing what they're supposed to do yeah but i mean

like you know they're also sending him over to iraq too and it's not you know so yeah i don't

know like i figure like you know just hopefully they get their shit together and they like the

more important thing is not protecting the border but it's like making it harder for these people

that you know be a burden on us when they come over here to work you know finding some way to

to get them to be a part of the system legally is more important than keeping them out of

the country.

You got a point.

Yeah.

Look how smart I am.

Very smart, Andy.

Good work.

I know.

Very good.

You know, the thing, I almost graduated from college.

Yeah.

Very good.

Thank you.

All right.

No problem.

Andy, everybody.

Andy's views on the Mexican...

I'm much brighter than an average PCU person.

Yeah.

Don't you think it's a little weird that we have the National Guard, like, set up and

policing inside the United States or anything?

Yeah, it's kind of a scary precedent.

You know, they're talking about issuing biometric ID cards for these immigrants and stuff.

I think they should have those, yeah.

Like, if you weren't born in this country and you want to live in this country, you should have a special ID card.

What's the next step?

There's a terrorist attack, and then the National Guard all of a sudden has an even bigger presence

and is already mobilized out there, and then all of a sudden everybody has to get these national ID biometric cards.

Not white people, though.

Not white people.

Yeah, as long as I don't have that one.

Just the immigrants.

Just the immigrants in that case.

No, not even immigrants.

People of non-white origin.

origin. Poop

is asking me to look at his numbers and he's just

the church is saying what you've called before. We can't call

them. That's not funny.

We should call that kid. Is he the

guy who sent us the kid we called last week?

We should call that kid again.

Yeah, he's here. We should call that kid again.

That was funny.

We should call him as Terrell Owens.

Hello there. I heard you

hang out with Donovan McNabb, fool.

Break yourself.

Break yourself, fool. What the fuck is the number?

He's sending me somewhere up here.

just that number he said uh yeah but he's not he's not like these these numbers aren't all

there it is i saw it oh excuse me i'm trying to find it scroll up up okay was it b it was bmr

no it was that i just saw the name of the guy i remember the name it was poop there it is john

paul john paul no it was after that no that right there either that's the guy zapata john paul

zapata was it yeah that was a kid who had down with navas i remember that name because i thought

I was like, well, it's a pad to jump off.

He sent it to me tonight under some other name, though.

Really?

I could have sworn he did.

I don't know.

Poop thinks he's tough, but.

Poop ain't shit.

Yeah, no one's really impressed with you, Poop.

Yeah, Poop's in it, or whoever it was.

I guess it's Poop.

Send us that number from last week.

That guy, that asshole kid.

Clone homegrown believes that next is the police state.

And he started the New World Order.

Yeah.

The New World Order started in, like, 1920-something, dude, with the U.N.

I'm anti-U.N.

What about the League of Nations?

Was that a bad thing?

That never worked, right?

It didn't work.

United States never joined it, did they?

Well, I don't know.

I think they didn't.

But, like, actually, like, Woodrow Wilson was the key component.

He was the guy who was all behind it.

Okay.

Yeah.

Interesting.

I have no idea.

League of Nations.

That felt miserable, didn't it?

Wasn't it like a blunder or something like that?

Well, no one paid because they didn't make anyone financially responsible for it.

Oh, okay.

So it didn't have any powers.

Yeah.

Like, I'm an isolationist.

Like, I believe in you shouldn't, like, a government should have nothing to do with

than other government except for like trade purposes okay like we shouldn't we shouldn't

be telling other people how to like treat their citizens or how to like you know govern their

country at a point it avoided a lot of problems yeah well you know if you want to abuse your

people abuse your people but eventually your people are going to rise up against you we're

going to follow our way because we're sitting in the impression you can't you can't you can't

force democracy on anyone you know but the more majority you know democracy is something that i

I think it only probably works for like 100 years or so

and then everybody gets kind of sick of it

and you don't care anymore

because democracy is going to work really well

for the first couple hundred years

and then after a while you get kind of complacent

because things are really good

and then you don't care anymore

and that's where we're at right now.

Yep, so it is.

So it is.

Everybody should vote Libertarian.

Last election I voted Kucinich

because he was going to legalize pot.

Really?

See how democracy sucked

suck because i was gonna vote for a guy who's only only like you know calling card his only

feature was that he was gonna legalize pod and you based your entire decision

i'll vote for kucinich nader i don't know if he wants to i don't think he wants to legalize pod

so fuck him so who was who you were running for the libertarian candidate now kucinich was a

democrat democrat and he was for liberalization yeah but like you know technically i would

consider myself a libertarian i'm a very conservative libertarian all right so the

The toll free line is open again.

That's one.

I know all the 15-year-olds.

Yeah, all the way.

1-888-278-8509.

They want to vote Barney.

Ross Perot.

Anyway, who shall we call next?

I finished my beer already, and you're only like an ounce into yours.

Whatever.

I was holding it for that pass.

I was going to chug it for him.

Mine was a 16-ounce, and yours was a 12-ounce.

I was going with something where I was going to chug it.

You want me to bring you another one?

Because I'm going to grab one for myself.

Yeah, do that, and I'll finish it for you.

All right, hold on, everybody.

I'll be right back.

Andy's going to get another beer.

Everybody who listened to the show, just from me, just hold on.

Don't go anywhere. Andy will be back.

I'm going to call the Dunkin' Donuts guy again.

See if I can get him to listen to his own soundboard.

He'll answer this time, guys.

Don't worry, he'll answer this time.

In the meantime, we'll play this.

We'll be right back in a moment.

Folks, the next prank call of the night.

God damn it.

Go ahead.

Who's this?

What's up, man?

Great call, by the way.

Which is that, the pastor?

Pastor Harry Johnson.

Seriously.

I came in in the middle of it, man, but it was good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I could definitely, I would like to, you know, save that and post it, but I have to edit out like two-thirds of it.

Hi, Athena.

Yeah, so how's the old lady doing, man?

I'm in the doghouse.

Uh, clone homegrown, the married guy, 25, is it?

28.

28, married, okay.

So what'd you do?

Uh, she's pissed off about that.

Man.

You need to get your dick out of the A-drive, buddy.

It chafes.

Doesn't that chafe a little bit?

Doesn't that chafe a little bit, man?

Dick in the A-drive?

A little bit.

You got a bong?

You gonna do a bong head for us again like you did last week?

Was that you?

That was one.

Yeah, let's hear that.

Any second.

Yo.

Living the dream.

That was pretty good.

Living the dream, man.

Living the dream.

Something I was gonna ask you.

I was listening to our show last week.

Do you have an assault rifle to protect yourself?

Do what?

Do you have any guns?

Guns?

Yeah, do you use a gun?

What kind of gun do you have?

Clone, come, come.

Shot gun.

You ever do any hunting?

What's the biggest thing you ever killed?

Fish.

The biggest thing I ever killed.

Wow.

Damn.

I don't know.

What about an hog?

That's a lot of bacon, man.

Was it like a wild hog, or what?

You shot it with a bow?

You're a real man, Claude.

The biggest thing I ever killed was a two-ounce crab.

I crushed it between my fingers.

I caught it on my balls.

Usually I'm catch and release, but that one was real big, and I figured it would cause

a lot of my problems.

You ever done like a drive-by or anything?

Yeah.

What do you drive?

Dirt flag on it.

He lives in Houston, right?

Yeah.

He's from Texas.

A lot of Mexicans out there don't drive.

there in houston yeah mexican town right it's a mix of mexican town northern mexican are you

worried about the la raza what is it the raza movement oh it was like a militant um mexican

movement to retake yeah assaulted people it was like in baja california area no it was yeah

california like i heard that they ran a guy who worked for the city down they put a mexican flag

in his chest yeah they drove it like through his heart yeah i read that i'm like that's crazy i

I don't think it's true, right?

People who live in America should speak Chinese.

I got a use for Chris Rock saying I love niggas.

That was great.

You've had that for like three months now.

I don't know if I ever get to use it, but I should have it on here.

Yeah, I'm going to hold that.

I was holding that card for a while, and I can delete it.

Do you listen to rap music or mariachi?

What do you like better, classic rock?

Classic music.

Yeah, see, when I drive around now, I mostly listen to the classic rock station.

I drive around banging Beethoven.

Do you ever play the Kill the Rabbit song?

You know what I'm talking about?

Kill the rat.

Isn't that the Flight of the Navigator or something?

No, the Flight of the Valkyries.

Flight of the Navigators.

That's my favorite classical song.

Flight of the Navigators is my favorite Disney movie from the 80's.

That was a crazy movie.

The kid went and he got on a spaceship

and then he was the same age and he got older.

And then that punk girl.

Remember that punk girl who worked at NASA for some reason?

She's like a teenager.

I'm a punk! I work with the kids!

Oh, stupid.

You want to smoke some meth?

Yeah.

That was my meth, and then they robbed it.

Yeah.

Then he started talking like Pee Wee Herman at some point, that dildo ship or something.

Whatever the hell that was.

Anyway, I digress.

Well, hey, man.

Thanks for calling.

What do you got planned this week for the weekend?

Any big plans?

You going to make up with the old lady tonight?

No.

You're stoned?

Okay.

Well, good.

I hope everything works out with your old lady.

She'll get over it, man, you know.

I'm bringing it.

You did.

Let's see here.

I won't answer my Skype number, blah, blah, blah.

Cussing him?

Cussing a Fred Sanford soundboard?

I had him cussing at Brett Sanford. Okay, that's cool. Okay. What's his name?

He'll probably answer it. Yeah, I have a clone call for revenge.

Okay, what's his name? You want to call him? Oh yeah, alright, I'll put him on. Hang on.

Hang on, everybody. Clone Homegrown's gonna... How long have you been harassing him for?

A few months? A few weeks? A few days? A couple days? Alright.

And he's already blocking you, but you got his number. Awesome.

Nah, he's not blocking me. Oh, he's okay.

Okay, well, let me see if I can... Is this the Skype number you sent me?

Or is it a... No. This is his home number. Wow, look at you.

not bad

okay

we'll do that right now

hang on everybody

we'll be right back

with Clone Homegrown

and a prank call

well

alright man

thank you for calling

again

appreciate it

you're a funny guy

and we'll talk to you

next week man

later

bye too

I'm sure Andy

would say goodbye

I remember when

I used to talk

with Noah

I'm totally monotone

yeah man

hey what's up

it's Clone Homegrown

I'm in the doghouse

tonight

yeah my girl's mad at me

she says I'm spending

too much time

on the computer

jealous of the computer

now I'm not talking

to you in the back

that was a good call it was a little too long

but it was a good call

I want you to call this number

he's a redneck

he won't answer my phone number

he won't answer my skype calls anymore

you don't notice that when you're high

yeah you get fine

you're totally monotone

it's great though

it is great right

I'm so relaxed I don't need to put

inflection in my voice

it takes so much to actually put inflection in your voice

She's like, eh, fuck it.

Right now, I'm so enraged that I just beat all my wife's teeth in.

You couldn't tell, could you?

I'll do it for you, man.

All right.

Well, that was awesome.

It was good to hear from him.

I have her tonsils wrapped around my wrist, but you wouldn't know that from my voice.

Tonsils wrapped around his wrist?

Yeah, because I punched my hand.

Straight down into the mouth.

Are you doing that?

Yeah.

Someone's going on with the phone here.

It's not me, it's you.

No, no, no, it's something.

I don't know.

Kind of a slow night tonight.

We're just taking a break.

just hanging out here drinking and i'm smoking eating peanuts eating peanuts so you found you've

eaten uh change any habits since you quit i quit smoking for three weeks and i started again

yesterday i gained like a lot away from because i went from you know just smoking weed to drinking

beer instead oh okay yeah because i wouldn't like i like if i'm if i'm smoking weed you know

that's what the good god i don't need beer you know i'm saying like did you get me another beer

I already drank it

No

It's mine dude

I was gonna slug you again

That's okay

Didn't hit me

That's a good stuff

Yeah

Lethargic love

Clone homegirl says

Where did he be

Hey girl

You ready for the little

Hey girl

I'm sorry

I got you these flowers

I picked them outside myself

And some grass

My voice is

I sure didn't miss coffee

And that's one thing

Um

Did I

Try to call that guy back yet

No

Try dunga donuts again

Yeah

Yeah I was going to

And then clone homegirl

Called us

That's what it was.

Let's try that again.

You, you snot man, you lady, you, you have, you have pussy, mother fucker.

Show me your dick mother fucker.

You have pussy mother fucker.

Are you asking me out?

Just come over here.

Are you asking me out?

Don't worry about, don't worry about it, you know.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on buddy, hold on, hold on, hold on, listen.

Listen, listen to this.

You bitch mother fucker.

You hear that?

So you happy now?

Yeah, yeah.

You bitch mother fucker.

Oh, that's good, that's good.

Are you happy?

I'm happy, yeah, with your mom, yeah.

I'll fuck your mom.

Yeah, I'm happy.

Oh, we gotta call that guy every week.

This guy's great.

That's our long dong, man.

That guy's hilarious.

He gets so pissed.

Oh my god, man.

Oh my, that guy's awesome.

That's funny.

Oh, damn.

Those are those fucking peanuts.

We shouldn't eat those.

We're gonna die.

They keep on making me cough.

That was funny.

We'll call him one more time before we go.

Yeah, we'll call him later tonight.

Is that it, motherfucker?

Oh, man.

Hope out.

We got to get his name.

We got to just learn about this guy.

That's hilarious.

We need someone.

We need a guest caller to call in and be nice to him so we can find out more about him.

Yeah, exactly.

Someone be nice.

We'll get the dad to do it.

Well, someone calling is our dad.

Is our dad?

Yeah, like, I think our son.

My son.

My son and his immigrant friend have been calling you, and I just like to apologize.

What's your name?

And I will play fuck you, bitch.

Motherfucker.

And Earth Dog is asking if that was recorded.

to know that was live right now.

Andy arguing with the

Indian guy.

Fuck you, bitch. Motherfucker.

That guy right there.

Yeah, that was the same guy, too.

That was great.

It's him.

It's him, man.

I like when he told me

he wanted me to come down

so he could see my dick.

I was like,

cut that or show me your dick.

Stupid.

We got to record that one

and play that to him next time.

We're going to get that off of there.

We're going to make a whole soundboard

with this guy

and keep calling him

with it or something.

And just eventually

you get so much stuff

that like,

you're driving crazy.

Fuck you,

bitch motherfucker.

Fuck you,

bitch motherfucker.

Come down,

show me your dick.

Fuck you,

bitch motherfucker.

Show me your dick.

Come down,

show me your dick.

Anti-drugs asking

what time that place

is open to.

I think it's a 24-hour place.

Yeah,

most of the donuts are.

Yeah,

especially that one.

Isn't it like Dearborn?

So,

yeah.

Was that Detroit?

He's probably near,

fuck,

near Dearborn.

Yeah,

Detroit's Arab,

Arab Central,

central usa detroit and um northern new jersey oak park michigan yeah that's detroit as far as i'm

concerned dunkin donuts open like 24 hours some spots it's homegrown and he's the expert on that

kind of stuff and it was the best place to go to eat when you're high um mexican food taco bell

if you're broke let's say you're broke limited funds and you're high let's say you got 10 bucks

to your name i would go i would go to um a grocery store and get a tube of cookie dough

That's one of my things.

Let's see, what else?

Peanut M&M's.

All right, it's midnight, let's say.

No grocery stores are open.

None of the 24-hour stores are open.

I like Denny's, dude.

Denny's?

Yeah, I spend a lot of high hours at Denny's.

But that's when you're drunk.

You like Denny's when you're drunk.

That's true.

High.

Usually, like, I was smart about it.

I stocked up on, like, junk food.

What if you want to go out?

Let's say, what are your options here in our town, right?

You got your Denny's, Steak and Shakes open 24 hours.

Oh, yeah, Steak and Shake's the shit.

But that's something else that you like when you're drunk.

Yeah.

I like to go, like, the only time I'd ever eat it is, like, you know,

the Steak and Shake, they got, like, chili, and they put it on spaghetti.

I don't like the chili and cheese Mac.

I'll eat that when I'm, like, two plates of that shit when I'm drunk.

Look at the one that's, like, elbow macaroni with chili on top of it.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

So they have that, and I think they got, like, spaghetti.

Like, when you're drunk, you know, that's the shit.

Yeah, oh, hell, you can put those peppers on.

Oh, yeah, but, like, bring me some hot sauce, and I'd put that pepper juice on top of it.

The pepper juice, right, and you put, yeah.

I don't eat the peppers, but I'll put the juice on my...

I'll put the peppers in it.

I'll cut it up.

No, I'm not doing that.

I'm not doing that shit.

That's a little rough when you're drunk.

You don't want to throw that back in.

Yeah, because, I mean, usually when you're drunk like that, you're going to be shitting up a storm later,

and you don't want your ass burning, too.

Worst thing I ever did, I got sick drinking once, and I was eating hot fries.

You know those hot fries?

Andy Caps hot fries?

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly, and when I threw up, that all came up at the same time with everything I was throwing up,

and it burnt my nose, like, you know, you know where vomit goes, it might go up your nose and your mouth.

That's never happened to me before.

Well, you never got that weird, well, it felt like my head was on fire,

because all that came up, all the vomit that I expelled had hot fry stuff on it.

Super, you are doing that.

Is it me?

I think it is.

Well, it's a shitty thing, it's all good.

Yeah, I need to do something about that.

It's your fault.

I got to get a new headset for me, and then I'll give you this one.

I guess that'll probably work.

Why can't I have the new headset?

You can buy your own headset, bro.

Why don't you give me a nice headset?

No, if I'm going to get a nice headset, it's going to me first.

You get to hand me down.

Oh, dude, you can buy yourself your own headset at four.

You're leaving in two weeks, or one week.

Well, how many shows you got left?

You're not, you're going to be here.

I should be here next week.

All right.

I might not come just because the traffic fizzes me off every week.

I drive down here, and then, like, most of the roads are, like, 50 miles an hour,

and people pull in front of me, and they want to do 35,

and I'm just so angry.

When I got here tonight, I was so angry.

Yeah, I heard about that.

There was a point where I was about halfway here

and I thought of a turnaround going home.

Yeah, that's because of the people you were behind.

Yeah, I mean, who drives 15 miles an hour

below the speed limit?

It's wrong.

That's much ass.

I don't know if Lutz and Loser fell asleep

or he was out macking a hose or something,

but we haven't heard anything from him in a while.

He's a fucking Britisher.

Lutz, that's new, new.

You ever seen that?

Oh, he's not British?

No, Lutz and Loser is a guy.

I think he lives in

Minnesota?

No, it's

Afghanistan.

I forget where exactly he lives.

Did you ever see the episode

Pennsylvania?

I think he lives in Pennsylvania.

Did you ever see the episode

of the Andy Griffith Show

where Ernest T

wants to beat up the guy

who rides the bike

because he's British?

No.

Because he's British?

Yeah, he's like

he's a British-ter.

A British-ter

and you want him to beat him up?

Yeah, he's like

my mama told me

to beat up British-ters.

No black people in Newberry.

Was it Newberry?

Is that the name of the town?

Mayberry.

No black people there at all.

Was there a black person on that show?

No.

I don't think so either.

I think, like, Ernest, what's his name, Gomer Pyle was, like,

closing the head of a black guy.

So, black guy, Gomer Pyle.

Well, he talked black.

He's like, shut up, I am.

Shut up, I am.

Yeah, I mean, he kind of talked black.

He was the closest thing to a black guy in Mayberry.

Clone Home Grunt says he'd take the 10, get a dime bag, and raid the fridge.

Yeah, that's what I used to do.

You don't spend money on food.

Yeah, you stock up when you go to the grocery store, and then, what are the fridges empty?

Well, then you go to the fucking gas station, you get a quart of Ice House, and you get some peanut M&M's.

Peanut M&M's, you can't wait.

Or, you know, it was a dupe, like, if you go and you get, like, the little brownies they got, like, you know, 59 cent brownies.

Yeah, that's true.

But, you know, they had, like, walnuts on it.

Those were the shit.

I remember those, yeah.

And, you know, the package always looked wet.

Like, it looked wet inside the package.

It was really soft and gooey.

Yeah, but that's how you knew they were good.

Yeah, I know, yeah.

Like, I used to go, and that was my thing.

I'd get a pack of peanut M&M's and then, like, a 59-cent brownie.

You know, at our high school, they used to have those in the vending machines,

those brownies like that.

I remember you used to get those every once in a while.

Yes, I used to.

Like, if I had my choice, I would take a peanut M&M over a brownie.

All right.

Well, Lonesome Loser is still with us.

That's good.

I don't know if he's not able to confer numbers right now,

but we're running out.

I think we've called everybody.

We've called Spanx.

No, you didn't call.

Well, we didn't call the Mediterranean.

Yeah, just before we know it, it's Jizzbiz.

is. Okay, what else do we have?

We need to call Kunal. Kunal Clans in Dagmar.

How come we haven't called that one yet?

It's Florida, but just call them

anyway. Who cares? Wake them up.

Foreigners in this

country should expect to be waking up

late at night by losers

who prank call them. I'm going to tell them we need to come

into work, even if that's a business.

Do that, do that. We need to come into work.

We need to come in there right now.

Come down there and make more potatoes.

Fuck you, you motherfucker.

Fuck you, bitch motherfucker.

This one goes out to Andy.

His favorite Madhouse.

Right back, everybody, with another prank call.

Andy, feel free to let go.

Gangsta.

They see me rollin'.

They hatin'.

Controllin'.

Tryna kiss me ridin' dirty.

Tryna kiss me my soul out.

Fuck.

Tryna kiss me ridin' dirty.

Tryna kiss me ridin'.

Try and catch me riding

They can see me lean

So it ain't easy to be seen

Police see me ride by

They can see the gleam

And I shine on the deck

And the TV screen

Riding with a new chick

She like cola

Next to the PlayStation controller

It's a full coupe

And my p***y sent a jackal

Into a coma

Girl you know I'm crazy

Like crazy bone

Just trying to bone

Ain't trying to have no babies

Ride clean this house

So I pull in ladies

Laws on patrol

And you know they hate me

Music turn all the way up

Into the maximum

I got speakers

Try to jack for some

But we packing something

And when we have for them

We'll have the p***y

Locked up in the maximum

Security cell

I'm gripping old

Music loud and I'm tippin' slow

Twin-steady twistin' like hit this dough

Rondin' it's in his throat

The window's down, gotta stop pollution

City changed, like who is that producin'?

That's the plan, skills when we out and cruisin'

Got warrants in every city except Houston

But I still ain't losin'

They see me rollin'

Every city except Houston

They hatin', patrollin'

Tryna catch me ridin' dirty

Oh, Bone Thugs is gonna put out a new album soon

Word, they're comin' back?

Yeah, they're in the studios right now, I think.

Is Busy still with them?

Because Busy quit.

He was the first one to quit.

No, they're all coming back.

Busy, too?

You don't have any bone thugs, do you?

Oh, hell, I got bone thugs.

Oh, we got to play some bone thugs later.

Play Crossroads.

That's the best one.

Aw, fuck.

That's nasty.

Crossroads?

Are you kidding?

I'll punch you in the fucking...

There's some...

Crossroads, and then the one...

It's the first of the...

Please try again.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Crossroads is the first of the month.

It's the best one.

Try your call again later.

Notorious Thug's

That's the one with

Notorious Thug's

Is the one with Biggie right

Yeah

The good ones

Notorious Thug's

Is the one with Biggie

The best two

Are Crossroads

That was the crappiest one

Are you serious

That was the one about

Eazy-E and shit

Don't fucking

God that's the one

That did the MTV award

That song is awesome

And what was the other one

First of the month

And then like

It was an angel yo

It was an angel

Yeah

Wait you don't know

What first of the month is

Yeah no I don't have it

I need to get

I never thought I'd get that one

That song is great

Cause it's like

It's the first of the month

And then it's like

Come get your Wii

Cash your checks and come on

Yeah

Cash your checks and get your Wii

These are our lives

It's alright

Creptin' We Came is okay

I had that whole album

I played that album out

That one

East 1999

Shit

I had a bunch of backwards

Talking in it

Remember

They did some weird

Like Ouija board shit

And all that

No I didn't know that

I did a bunch of weird stuff man

No you need to get

First of the month

I'm gonna play this one

No Surrender is cool. Actually, No Surrender here, they made this like their last song that they did before they broke up.

They took parts of every song that they had done in the past.

Watch, play this one. I think I have this one on the list already.

Catch and get high.

That was a hook.

Catch and get high.

How you doing? My name is John Kunkel and I'm trying to trace my family.

Do you know what time it is?

It's 9.48.

Where?

Here where I live.

I mean, it's about 4 o'clock in the morning here.

Four o'clock in the morning?

Yeah.

Where do you live?

Florida.

Okay, well, I'm headed out to Florida soon.

Isn't it like 11 o'clock or something where you live?

It's four o'clock in the morning.

Yeah.

You know, lies make baby Jesus Christ, sir.

Drunk?

A

little high.

That's what I got.

It's not 4 o'clock in the morning.

That's right, we're in the 40s.

Call him back, what a dick.

Yeah, I'm going to call him from the...

Call him back and go tell him he should fix his alarm clock.

Yo, you forgot to put your time back, yo.

Oh, it's 11.49, I say.

Yo, you get to sleep.

Yo, you get the extra hour of sleep.

I can't give out his number.

This is Dagmar.

You have two hours.

What the fuck is a Dagmar?

I'm John Dagmar.

Jesus.

What are you doing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give his number out.

That guy.

I will give that out for him hanging up on me.

In fact, this is straight from Lonesome Loser.

Don't incriminate him.

Oh, there's that guy.

He thinks it's 4 o'clock in the morning in Florida.

Where in Florida he lives, it is not 4 o'clock.

Yeah, they're in the same time zone as us as far as I know.

Yeah.

Either that or they're actually an hour behind us if they're in the panhandle, so.

Is that true?

Yeah, the panhandle's an hour behind us.

In Pensacola, it's actually 10.

I don't really consider them Florida.

No, they're more like southern Alabama.

Yeah.

That's nasty.

Alabama's a nasty, nasty state.

Yeah, Florida's kind of like a metropolitan state compared, you know,

even though, like, if you ever go on, like, a fark.com,

whatever crazy things happen in Florida, they got their own tag.

Yeah, Florida has their own.

I was thinking that today.

They have their own tag.

Because, like, the most retarded things happen.

No other state has that.

Yeah, like three people got killed by alligators this morning.

And the tag, Florida.

It's so stupid.

Isn't that sad that our state actually has a fark tag?

Yeah.

And it explains it.

It's under a category, just the shit that happens in Florida.

Yeah, it does.

Even where we grew up, the city we grew up in has the craziest shit happen there.

Massacres and sequels and floods.

Yeah, they should have a Deltona tag.

Only that town, Deltona, will have one year will have fires,

and then the next year will have floods where half the city is flooded over.

And the next year is like, well, they're drunk.

And then the Xbox murders, of course, yeah.

You stole my Xbox.

I'm going to massacre eight people.

Well, they put eight people in the house all at once, just like that.

That was a kid.

The kid, the guy who was the ringleader, I went to school with his brother.

His two brothers, actually, because I remember the other brother.

Well, I knew Jason, his younger brother.

Jason, he played football with me.

He's a stupid ass anyway.

He was a nice kid.

I liked him.

He used to tell me, don't curse all the time.

He used to tell me, I'd be like, he came over to my house once and we traded comic books.

Really?

And then he was like, man, I wish I could have you over to my house.

My brother would rob you.

And then that's the brother who massacred all the people.

I worked with this mom at this bank.

I saw her last name.

I was like, my son's Victorino.

Don't I know your son?

He's like, which one?

I was like, the one that played football?

Oh, yeah, the good one.

She told me.

I was like, seriously?

Yeah, he's out.

Yeah, not the mass murder one.

Well, no, this is before the murders.

And she was like, yeah, he's out in New York, and he's drawing, penciling for a comic book

or something.

Yeah, he was a nice kid.

He was a big Dominican.

Yeah, the Dominican.

And then his older brother, she was like, yeah, he's in and out of jail.

And sure enough, he commanded three other teenagers to kill him.

No, I think it was two other kids, right?

Three.

Salas.

It was Michael Salas that I knew through someone else.

I knew through Eddie, actually, the yo guy.

Oh, you knew who those people, you knew who those guys were?

Eddie knows Michael Salas.

I didn't know any of them.

I just knew the one kid's younger brother.

This goofy Dominican guy, and he got, like, these two, like, 18-year-old.

One was black, one was Puerto Rican, and one was a white wigger guy.

Yeah.

It was a multicultural massacre.

Yeah, yeah.

They did it just like...

Is that going to trial yet or anything?

They went through the jury selection, like, two weeks ago,

and they couldn't find an impartial jury in the county,

so they had to

they're taking it out

great

if that kid walks

there's no fucking chance

there's no way he's gonna

yeah

they've got

I mean he's got like a

huge record

the sheriff came out

and said that they should

give them all the

the death sentence

the death penalty

like the same day

that they caught him

it was like

this is a good reason

to have the death penalty

well they should probably

the Victorino kid

for sure

but I don't know

the other kids were like

18 man

they don't know any better

I think there was

one had just turned 18

the other two

were like 18

come on

they don't know

I mean

you get like a guy

who's like 25

and he's been out of prison

and other kids are going to listen to him

because they're stupid.

They should probably be locked up for the rest of their life.

I don't know about killing them.

Yeah, I guess so.

The ringleader for sure, Victorino,

should get the, well, not the chair anymore in Florida.

And if he ever gets out,

I don't think anything bad should happen to him

and I want to be friends with him.

If not, then we knew he was innocent all along.

Yeah, yeah.

And he's probably a good kid.

Find me the Victorinos in Deltona.

I know that lady still lives there.

I'll ask for Jason, and then we'll lead into the other one.

Hey, what's been up with the family lately?

We've been away.

Yeah, any massacre anyone lately?

Yeah, any massacre?

Oh, you hear about those massacres, yo?

I would not do that, man.

Yeah, that's a little bad.

Yeah, that's wrong.

Yeah, that's a sad thing that happened.

And, yeah.

Victorino family in Deltona.

Spread it around.

It's 10-53.

It's 11-53 in Florida.

Jonathan, I don't know where the hell you are.

He's in the panhandle, apparently.

He's probably in Pensacola or Live Oak or something nasty like that.

Clone homegrown.

You're supposed to call the Donovan Nav kid.

Yeah.

Okay, so is it really this dude?

It's up there.

Upper left.

The one up there.

Look, dude, right there.

Zapata.

Yeah.

John Paul.

Yeah, that's right.

I remember making fun of his name being gay.

John Paul Zapata.

That's right.

Andy's going to take a piss again.

Can you give me a beer, dude?

Yeah.

Thanks, man.

All right.

We'll be right back with the next prank call of the night in just a moment.

All my troubles seem so far away.

Let he stay

Oh, I believe

Hello, my speaker, John Paul there.

Who's there?

Hello there, this is Terrell Owens.

Terrell Owens.

Who is he?

Terrell Owens, I heard you be hanging out with my arch nemesis.

My arch nemesis.

You be hanging out with my arch nemesis.

Who's the guy?

I forgot.

Donovan McNair.

Yeah, anyway, well, I went nowhere.

Here's the ring.

How many do I have left?

You have one after that.

Wow.

You have three all day.

Jonathan's diabetic.

All right, brother.

What's up, man?

Welcome to the club.

One more guy with the sugar aids.

Yeah, just like me.

Hey, Jonathan, don't reproduce, buddy.

Nobody wants that sugar AIDS.

Yeah, that's sugar AIDS.

That's what I got, everybody.

Lots of losers back and sending us numbers.

Cheech's Pizza, Church, Chuck, and Gay Marie.

You got to call that.

And Bill's Gay 90s in New York, New York, on 54th Street.

Why do I think that might be in the village?

It's probably really a gay store.

Bill's Gay 90s.

Colin asked for a fucking, what was it, Rock Lobster group.

B-52s.

B-52s?

Yeah.

Talk about the guy.

I'm with the B-52s.

That's because they got a poster of that guy.

What's his name?

It was just on here.

Remember?

We were talking about it.

The releasing of the B-52s.

What is that guy's name?

But it wasn't a rock.

It was a rock lobster.

Rock Lobster.

Okay.

We need to take a break.

I got to take a stretch, you know, take a piss and stuff like that.

After you got me a beer.

Anyway.

So, you ready for a break, Andy?

Sure.

Yeah.

What did you have for dinner tonight?

Chicken?

No, I had a Hammer Helper Stroganoff.

Wow.

Yeah, it was good.

Good.

I ate half of it, and I got the other half for lunch tomorrow.

Did you?

Sounds good.

Very appetizing.

It's good to eat a half pound of meat at any city.

Your house, whenever you make it, your house smells like it for, like, about three hours.

Oh, it's good, though.

It's a good smell.

Hammer Helper Stroganoff.

I don't like any other hamburger helper, but, like, hamburger helper stroganoff is awesome.

Do you have to add milk to that, or is it just a straight package?

No, it's milk.

Milk, okay.

Milk and water.

Yeah, well, me too, right?

Yeah.

Okay, you got to add milk.

And then, like, my dog, he's happy because, like, I drain the meat onto his dog food.

Oh, the juices?

Yeah, he loves that shit.

It makes it nice and soft.

Yeah, it's the only time the motherfucker eats.

He'll eat all that food, then.

He barely eats, but he eats, like, you know, it's like, oh, shit, grease on my food.

I'm going crazy.

Yeah, my poor dog.

He's a nice dog, though.

What do you mean poor dog?

There's nothing wrong with him.

He's very healthy.

I like him.

He's a nice dog.

I feed him pig ears.

He loves that shit.

He tears through those things too, man.

He almost eats them as fast as you do.

Well, Jonathan, it's not fun being diabetic, but lucky you do.

You can't have cheesecake.

You can't drink Coke, like drug, you know, Coca-Cola.

You can't swallow your boyfriend's cum.

No, a lot of them.

That's all protein, man.

No carbs in that.

Oh, it's all right.

I've looked into it.

All right, everybody.

We'll be right back.

We'll call it midnight.

Look close enough.

It's the weekend.

Friday.

the unofficial weekend.

We'll be right back after this.

It's too doggone late.

Testify, say I die.

For more Madhouse, right after this.

Don't tell me 40,000 people are coming here.

They're not here.

Take them pants off, Carlito is back.

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Madhouse is on PCU.

I hear that whistle blowing.

Dro, count this across the mo, cause he popped the dro.

Hey, we're back.

We're back.

And we're looking at the ladies of MySpace.

Yeah, we got the latest Playboy, and it has ladies of MySpace.

Give me one of the MySpace bitches.

All right.

And it puts their addresses up there, so we should all try to be their friends.

We're looking at the latest copy of Playboy, where it has the ladies, the women of MySpace.

H-L-Y-N-N-25.

H-L-Y-N-N-25?

Yes.

So that's myspace.com forward slash h-l-y-n-n-2-5.

Yes.

Let's check the...

See if this works.

And everybody from PCU should join and then, like,

like, list, you know, post, like, your fucking shit, like...

She's got Dr. Phil on.

What the fuck's that all about?

Like, I can see her...

No, I can't see her...

Like, I don't like this girl because you can't see her...

I don't want to see shit like this on her page.

Let's see how many people have maybe posted on her page or sent a message just because of Playboy.

We've been this weird about it.

See, here's a girl I really like. Let's see if we can read this.

Yeah, see fans for there.

GRKgirl22. Go for that one.

GRK.

Oh, girl.

GRKgirl.

Oh, GRKgirl.

GRKgirl22.

22.

I gotta get my belt on.

This is really small.

The sex always takes

That says GRK girl 22 right?

There's another I think it's GRKG

No that's a fact black

No GRK girl

Oh there's no I in girl

Is it double R?

No just one R no I

One R no

There we go this is the one

Yeah everybody from

Who listens to our show

All 20 of you

You should go on

To their MySpace

And become friends with them

And then post our

Address on there and shit

That's right

And our MySpace

Well my MySpace

The Madhouse MySpace

Here's this one too

I like her too

I like brunettes

Alright what's this

Jessica DeFeo

Jessica spelled normally

DeFeo

Is D-I-F-E-O

Tell her

And then when you all are there

Link her up to me

Be like

You should check out

Apple Seed 79

Cause he's a hottie

Alright well

I'm going to put this in the chat room for everybody.

MySpace.com forward slash Appleseed79.

That's me.

That's Andy.

And then like these girls all with me.

And then mine is MySpace.com forward slash MadhouseLive.

There you go.

Be sure to check those out.

None of these girls are from Florida, though, so that sucks.

They're all from Huntington Beach, California.

That's weird.

Are you serious?

Yeah, that's the place to live, I guess.

Those girls are also from Huntington Beach.

Drunk Rocker.

Yeah, she's got a nice tattoo on her vagina.

on this picture so

this is the number

of number

one seven eight

five six

phone on her

MySpace

I hate the

fashion mode

oh

I forgot to

kill the break

my bad

yeah so everybody

go there

add them as your

friends and then

you know start

listing

listing you know

our shit

MySpace is so gay

it's good for

self-promotion

that's about it

well you got a

point

well I said

it sucks I have

like four friends

I must not be

that good

yeah

just to get the

feel it has a

a pretty weak page man yeah this looks as bad as mine i mean you think we're a hot girl like

yeah she's 29 and they're seriously they're all 100 i don't have time to log into that i don't

have time for this shit anyway so uh spread the word spread the myspace page girl here i like her

man you have fun with that over there i can't read that one at all oh no betty lipstick betty

lipstick myspace backslash betty lipstick she's a hot looking jap can't see her vagina in the

a picture. She's got a Betty Page

haircut, which I like.

Look at her

in Italy, Hawaii, Hawaii.

My birthday. She's a whore.

She is. She's been around everybody.

349 friends, see?

See, I have like 7. The Dead has more

than that. I think the Dead's up to

like 800 at this point.

2,000 Thuns.

How many friends you got, The Dead?

1,000 Thuns.

Under all his family. EarthDog's in the chat

chat room, posting his MySpace page.

Before they have the girls at PCU, that's what I'm

waiting for. What girls?

It'll be Little Eel Neo

and me. And you?

I'll do a set. I'm a

coxswain. Alright, so yeah, I was saying

before, we have a few numbers from Lonesome Loser

before the break. Bill's Game 90s, Church,

Chuck, and Gay Marie, and

Cheech's Pizza. In the meantime,

we also received Gangster's Bar and Grill

in Wisconsin, and

Marijuana Music, Hawaii.com,

and Honolulu, Hawaii.

Bill's a gay 90s, I say.

Probably be loud, but...

No, a woman answered.

I want to talk to a guy.

I'd call a gay boy.

The faghead.

Well, you could be like,

Shut up, faghead.

Yeah, man.

Quit trying.

All right, everybody.

I'm going to play a song up here.

Hot for teacher.

I really put this on here to play.

You know, my favorite Van Halen song is Ice Cream Man.

You should play that.

Ice Cream Man?

You got that?

Yes, sir.

I'm the ice cream man.

Stop it when I'm passing by.

Thanks, Andy.

Dib, dib, dib, dib, dib, dib.

New sound, the grain's gone.

Give me math this again.

We played this last week.

I like this song.

Give me math or something.

I'll blow a card.

Yeah, I like the blow a card.

Blow, blow, blow.

How you doing?

Gangsters?

Okay.

Great.

Are you still seating tonight?

Yeah.

Okay.

Any drink specials?

They're calling around for drink specials.

Let's see.

We got open dollar apple pies.

Dollar apple pies?

What's sugar free down there?

Sugar-free?

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Well, sugar-free, what doesn't have any sugar there dessert-wise?

You know, it's a law, it's a requirement.

Can you ask someone, maybe the chef or something back there can talk to me?

I'm the only one working.

You're the only one working, you're running the whole thing.

And you got dollar apple pies, but you're just kind of smart-ass.

What's that?

I'm coming in with a drink, I'm asking for a drink special, it's not for a dollar off apple pies or whatever the hell it is you're trying to push on me.

What, are you sick?

That's a drink, that's a shot.

An apple pie is a shot?

Yeah.

Somewhere I come from, an apple pie is a dessert, we don't do anything perverted like that.

No, it's a shot. It's got vodka and like apple cider.

Apple cider?

They're really, really good.

Sounds like a faggy appletini with milk in it or something like that, you know?

I don't know what to tell you, man. Fuck. Fuck. Come check it out.

How about I come down there and check you out?

Come down here and check it out.

Yeah, rub your nipples a little bit. You like that?

Yeah. I'm gay.

That's alright. That's alright. I'm a gay. What's the problem?

Who is this?

I'm a gay.

Who is this?

My name's Chester.

Getting your prank going or something or what?

No, I'm looking to go down there, get something to drink, and we got a little sexual.

That's all it is.

Don't feel bad.

It's okay.

You like having your nipples played with?

We're just a bar.

I'm just saying.

Hey, I'm going to let you go.

All right, buddy.

If you're going to come down, come down.

Whatever.

All right, I'll buy you an appletini and a Cosmo.

All right, whatever.

You drink a Cosmo with me?

Sure, I'll have a beer.

All right, I can touch your nipples too, right?

No.

Come on, you just said yes a second ago.

You were thinking about it.

Come on.

Entertain the thought again for me.

I'm fucking with you.

All right, okay.

Okay.

I'm going to see you.

I'm going to see you if I'm not.

Whatever.

Get those nipples ready.

See you later.

See you.

I initiated the end of the call.

He did not hang up on me.

Apple pie for a dollar.

What kind of drink is that?

How do you make an apple pie?

What did he say again?

Like, why I thought of an apple pie would be Bailey's and, like, Apple, Apple Schnapps

and, is there an Apple Schnapps?

Apple Sour.

Yeah.

I think he was swearing with you, though.

Yeah, I think he kind of thought.

I thought it was a gay bar at first, and he said gangsters.

Oh, shit.

Where am I going?

I thought it was Bill Gay's night.

Well, shit, if you watch Sopranos lately, it might be a gay bar.

Vito.

That's right.

Vito the Fudge Packer.

I was making a reference to that earlier, remember?

The Fudge Packie.

Yeah.

I think he's the bottom of this whole thing.

Well, yeah.

Did you watch Sunday's episode?

I didn't see them actually doing it, though.

No, well, dude, like, Vito turned his back to the dude, and then they had the one guy's

trains going through the hole.

I didn't look at it that way.

Yeah, well.

I thought they were just embracing.

Yeah.

Vito was the girl in that

Vito has bad hips

Yeah, I like watching him walk

I read an article about the actor

He's getting a lot of shit lately

And he actually had the hip surgery that he's been talking about

Yes, very fat

So Bill's gay 90s, we're going to try to call that now

Good evening, Bill

Hey, how does it taste?

Excuse me?

How does it taste?

I can't hear you

How does it taste?

Oh, it tastes good, man

Yeah? You're going to hell

How's it taste to go to hell?

Excellent, I'm in hell already

Really? You're enjoying it, aren't you?

With the devil on your perversions

I'm so early, man

Yeah

Come on over, join me

Yeah, you're gonna touch my nipples

Come over to hell

Come on

Did he just tell me to go to hell?

I guess he is in hell

That wasn't too funny

Wow, the show's going somewhere

It's just sexual

Yeah, I'm getting a little too

I believe too much that you actually want to get sex with him

Yeah

Johnny Cakes

That's what they're calling the guy

Johnny Cakes

What's his name?

Oh, Johnny Cakes

Carlito Cakes

Carlito Cakes, shut up

What was I saying?

Let's call Teach's Pizza

I'm gonna call you the number, we need to get to the police, I'm gonna help you, bust a few-

Sir?

Hi, Cheetos Pizza, I'm gonna help you.

Oh yeah, my cousin wants to talk to you, you ready?

Yeah.

Yeah man, how you doing?

Fine.

This is the fucking worst Tommy Chong I've ever done.

No, I'm sorry.

Have you heard this prank before?

Yeah.

Yeah? Will you touch my nipples?

Sure.

That hasn't worked either tonight.

Yeah.

Yeah, will you curse me out like an Indian guy?

Yo, I should've called- Yo, yo, where's Tommy at, yo?

Yo, who's me, yo?

Yeah, Church, Chuck, and Gay Marie.

Maybe they'll, nah, gotta call businesses.

No, all that's left is marijuana music.

You can take a number you wish to call.

Hello?

Yo, what up, yo?

Hello?

Yo, this is Eddie Garcia.

What's up, kid?

Eddie Garcia.

Yo, you got some baby there?

Who's this?

Yo, how am I gonna go down and record my record?

You got some baby crying and shit.

Who the fuck is Eddie Garcia?

Yo, fucking yo, I'm the new shit, yo.

I'm the hot shit.

Who's the hot shit?

Yo, Eddie Garcia, stupid.

Yo, don't play.

You heard me

Yo, mahalo

No, don't hang up. You'll let me talk to that baby. You know, I'm moving in on you

I'm moving in on you on your Avenue in your neighborhood

Did that guy just say what the fuck you're crying to a baby who's crying

Stupid baby, I'm gonna call 7-eleven and it's what drive

The number you wish to call

It is, you confirming that?

Yes

Edgewater Drive is the ghetto in Orlando

It's the ghetto

Yo, what up?

Yo, my name is Eddie

Okay, Eddie

Eddie Garcia, I left my debit card there

You got it, bitch?

No, you know what I'm saying?

Your mama a bitch

You gotta go play with her

Yo, fuck you, yo

Give me my card

Hi, Clay

Satan

The number you wish to call

Thanks for calling 7-Eleven

Yo, we got disconnected

My bad

This is like a super echo in here

She don't write up, though

She's a bitch

They don't play in the ghetto in Orlando.

No they don't.

He cursed me out once and that's all I get.

He can't hear the number you wish to call.

Let's call this one in St. Louis, Missouri.

Your favorite town.

You have one hour forty-nine minutes.

I just called this other store.

The lady called me a bitch and hung up on me.

What about that?

Yo, I think I left my debit card in your store.

Think so?

Look under the register, stupid.

Hey, look, man.

I need my debit card.

They'll be charging it.

I gotta start calling people stupid.

That's the problem.

So loud he's in trouble get one on Taylor in Taylor, Michigan here an Arab guy

Yo, well you hang up my boy so so bad hello, yeah, how you doing yo, what's up, man?

You know, did I leave my debit card there? I don't see any debit cards here this morning though

Yo, you don't know if it got checked in?

Nobody tell me anything about it.

Well, find out.

I can look.

Hurry up.

Come on, man.

Do me that favor.

I'll hook you up.

What the hell?

I do not see any data.

Yo, did you just give it to that dude?

What dude?

What are you talking about?

Yo, that guy, you just laughed and said, hey, this is his card.

I heard you, yo.

Yo, I was in the army.

Don't play.

Whatever.

Yo, I was in the army.

God damn it.

I didn't call this Dunkin' Donuts here.

That's the Arab one.

We'll be right back.

Yeah, you do that.

You still got a beer you haven't opened yet, faggot?

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Alright, hang on.

Should be.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

You have one hour, 42 minutes.

Can I help you?

Yo, what's up?

Hello.

Yo, how you doing?

What?

Yo, you making donuts?

No.

What do you mean no?

We'll make it at 3 o'clock.

Yo, don't play.

I was in the army.

What was that?

I was in the army.

I had a lot of fun.

You know what I'm saying?

So, go ahead.

What do you want?

Don't play.

Are you Shiara, Suni?

So,

what do you need, sir?

I need donuts, yo. You got donuts fresh or what?

Yeah, we got some donuts.

What kind of donuts you got?

We got plain and French cruder.

Cruder?

Yeah, do you want that?

I don't want. What's plain? Glaze?

Plain. Just old-fashioned plain.

How about I go down there and take your cash register and flip it over? You want crazy like that?

Don't play with me, all right?

Don't play with me, yo.

Yeah, don't play with me. I got to call the police.

police. Don't play with me. So you want me to call the police? I want you to come down

here and make me some doughnuts. I'll call back to the police. I'm scared. I'm scared.

Do it. Hold on. Just you stay on the line, alright? I command you in Jesus' name. I'll

call the police. Track the phone number. What's the number? Tell me. I have it, man. Yeah,

I got you too. Alright, just hold on. Let me get the police number, okay? Okay, you

do that. Alright, just hold on. Let me get it. Okay. We did the Taylor, Michigan. We

We got one left here.

We got 7-Eleven slash Walmart.

Or no, Wal-Nut.

Wal-Nut.

7-Eleven Walmart.

Wal-Nut.

The biggest 7-Eleven ever.

So he said, it's 911 stupid.

Yo, it's 911 stupid.

I'll dial it for you.

All right.

7-Eleven Foods.

Yeah, we're afraid of the cops.

They might beat us.

Ah, fuck the cops.

I didn't say that.

Yeah.

For the record, Andy said he didn't say that.

Andy hates cops.

Bullshit.

Andy loves and respects them.

them and he was now that i'm a non-criminal like not a criminal i'm not well a few years ago i was

a criminal so now i'm not and i don't want to say anything bad about it should i have to be

a pro cop i wish they would arrest most of our listeners especially poop who's a kid man yeah

no good juke should get arrested yeah fuck poop juke backwards faggot if you spell it out

that's funny

he's your big fan

really

because I listened to his show

last Friday it was so awful

it was so bad

it was horrible

I was like what's going on

they try

but there's no format

they're just playing weird noises

even us

even if we're not funny

at least we're just talking

we're not playing weird music and shouting

That's what I heard.

That's your synopsis of the Jeep show.

Hanks! Tom Hanks!

Tom Hanks?

You love Tom Hanks.

I missed it.

I'm Monkey Bones.

Marvin.

How you doing?

Good.

Hey, did I leave my debit card there?

Who's this?

What?

Who's this?

Chester Garcia.

Oh, um, a debit card? I don't see one.

Oh, come on, man. I know I left it there.

Are you... Hold on.

Alright.

No, there's nothing here.

What is there that I can claim?

Any cell phones? Okay. Anything?

You throw anything out?

Nope, everything.

What about those hot dogs I saw that looked kinda old when I was in there?

Whoa. It's already hung up.

Circle K's up in here, man.

Circle K's will talk to ya.

Alright, we'll try to call Doug and Donuts guy one more time and then we're gonna call it a night.

How's that sound, Andy?

Where's that from? Michigan?

Michigan?

Michigan, yeah.

Look at it.

I'll go up to Michigan and look at it.

Please enter the number.

The number you have entered is not valid.

Tough.

Please try again.

Please try your call again later.

Oh.

T-O-U-G-H.

Tough.

I'm T-U-F-F.

Tough.

Big difference.

Yep.

I read that.

The Outsiders.

A book.

I got a mean right cross.

Cross your jaw.

Biatch.

That's how it is, man.

I'll punch you and you can tell everybody how much it hurt.

Punch me again.

Ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Look at that.

Oh.

Oh, that's a loser was in Philly. Everybody Eagles suck. It says in the Phillies and

76

The Flyers suck

The number you have entered is not valid.

Please try again.

Please enter the number you have entered.

The Pit Panthers, the football team sucks.

The number you have entered is not valid.

Please try again.

Please try your call again later.

Sorry, Dean.

I'm going to call it a night.

I'm done with this, Andy.

Any partner shout-outs?

Let's call on Dunkin' Donuts one more time.

I like this Dunkin' Donuts guy.

He's my favorite recipient of our calls.

Yeah.

He's becoming a legend here in PCU.

All right.

I give a shout-out to DaDead, who's not listening.

What's up with that?

He's a punk-ass bitch.

Punk-ass bitch.

And he's a coward.

He should call in.

And everybody, you haven't given any, like, plugs for anybody else on PCU this whole night?

I always do that at the end.

Oh, do you?

Yeah, for some reason I can't get the pin to go.

You can hear DaDead on Lego's show.

He won't call in our show anymore because he's a coward.

Lego calls in and he bitches us for being mean to DaDead.

Even though the debt calls me an asshole and says shit about my mom.

That's fucked up, right?

Yep.

He wouldn't say that to my face, would he?

I wear his Lego anyways.

Not even around.

How tall do you think the debt is?

It's probably like 5'2", 120 pounds.

Finally, I got it.

Got it.

Alright, dude, this is Eddie.

Let's see who picks up this time.

And we have to call this pastor Harry Johnson again one time.

Not tonight, but when I'm sober.

Second dog.

Yo, what's up, kid?

You again?

No, yo, I left my debit card.

Okay.

Yo, did you get my debit card?

My name is Eddie Garcia. Look on it. Eddie Garcia. What's your name? Eddie?

Garcia, yo, did it cause let me check for you. I left though. I left my debit card and my military ID

Okay, give me one second. Let me have fun for you. Okay?

Hello, yeah, I don't have any kids got here. Did you take the bathroom bathroom? Yeah. Hello. Yeah, take the bathroom

Huh?

Did you check the bathroom?

I checked the bathroom?

Yes or no?

No.

Fuck you, bitch, motherfucker.

You again?

Yeah, that's right.

Fuck you, bitch, motherfucker.

What do you have to say?

No, no, no.

Did you know?

What?

Did you?

No, no, I'm serious.

I'm serious.

That's all, folks.

Did you know me or no?

No, we don't.

Harry.

Fuck you, bitch, motherfucker.

What?

Go back to Africa.

I'm not from Africa, stupid.

From Africa.

From Africa, stupid.

Chicken soup?

Hey, motherfucker, do you know who's your daddy?

No.

Do you know how many guys fucked your mom before you came?

No.

That's good.

Tell me.

How many guys fucked her before you came?

We have to call that guy every show.

Every show we got to call him, at least like twice.

Let's call him right back.

One more time.

He won't pick up.

He's having a good time.

He won't pick right back up.

up. We got to give him some time. Do you know how many guys fuck your mama? Okay, you're

going to find out. Okay, I'll do that. Hey, mom, how many guys fucked you before I came?

That guy's the best. He is funny. He sounds just like the fucking guy from the Hassan

Market calls. You ever hear that shit? No. Yeah, this crazy Arab guy goes crazy on some

people. That guy's great. He's my new hero. He is, he is. All right, well. I'd like to

have a picture of him giving you a hug. Janet Ferris notes that nobody hates immigrants

gets more than immigrants.

That's true.

Go back to Africa.

He's one to talk.

Go back to Africa.

He just got over

a fucking

Bangladesh motherfucker.

Go back to Africa

when like

black people have been here

for a few hundred years at least.

Yeah, they've been here

longer than you, dog.

Yeah, exactly.

You just got on your boat

from Sumatra.

Sumatra.

New Delhi, motherfucker.

Call him back one more time.

Alright, I'll try.

He probably won't answer

but we'll try.

I'll try for you, Andy.

Anything for you.

Pusher man.

I'm gonna call his dad now.

That'll be fun.

What's up, man?

Oh yeah, that's right. We said we were going to do that earlier than we ever did.

Yeah, how you doing?

You again?

No. Has my son been calling you, sir?

Huh?

Has my son been calling you?

Son?

My son. Has my son been calling you?

I don't know.

Well, my son is a little upset, and I caught him on the phone with his friend here,

spending the night again like they do every Thursday.

No, because, I don't know, I called 911 for some people, some guy, he's playing.

So, I don't know what happened, you know, so just I call 9-1-1.

You call 9-1-1 for a stupid air-rav emergency?

Yeah, for the stupid...

Stupid air-rav emergency?

Is that why you call 9-1-1?

Yes.

You know, I have you on tape threatening my son.

You shouldn't threaten me, sir.

I'm going to play it right now.

Listen to what you said.

Fuck you, bitch, motherfucker.

I consider that a direct assault on my person.

Okay, that's good.

What do you think about that?

That's good.

And then you said you were going to hurt me.

Remember that?

So you're going to bend his thorax.

I'm going to sue you.

What?

I'm sorry.

What?

I'm sorry.

What?

What'd you say?

What?

I said what you just said.

You said what you said.

What'd I say?

What'd you say?

Yes.

You just said something.

What'd you say?

What I said for you.

You threatened to hurt me.

Go ahead.

I hurt you?

Yeah, you said you were going to hurt me.

Say it again.

I hurt you?

I don't know you.

I'm recording this.

Go ahead and say you were going to hurt me.

I don't know you.

You call always.

I told you, if you man, I told you, if you are man, come here, don't talk phone, come here, face to face, I want to see you, who are you, I don't know you, who are you?

But if I come down there, what are you going to do to me?

Well, just come down, don't worry about it.

My dad wants me to come down, listen, listen, listen, hold on, slow down a second, buddy.

I can't do, I can't, I can't do nothing.

Slow down a second, buddy.

But don't, don't call always, every day, okay?

My dad said I should go down there and apologize to you.

Well, anyway, this is work here.

This is a job here.

I don't want you to choke me.

If you're going to play, enjoy yourself.

Because I called 911.

I want to come down there.

Great.

You want to let me come down and apologize?

I called the police.

I know the young boys, they call and they yell and they say mean things to me.

I really don't think that's nice, Mr. Jackass.

I guess we have to leave him alone until next week.

I guess so.

See, we've been calling every day and calling.

But next week we should call them with a soundboard or something like that

just so, like, you know, we kind of break out the monotony.

Yeah, I don't know.

If we have a Da Dead soundboard ready to go.

Yeah, exactly.

Next week we call A-Rab with a Da Dead soundboard.

We have a Da Dead soundboard, actually.

I know, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, we should have it ready to go next week.

All right, all right.

Well, that's enough.

It's almost 1 o'clock, so we're going to call it a night.

Yeah.

Andy, you did your shout-outs, and everybody go to your place.

My shout-out is C.R. England, the Cubs.

The Cubs.

This is the Cubs.

Go, Cubs.

Circle K, look at that.

When the football season starts up, go, Bears.

Circle K, I can't.

I got to call Circle K.

You can't resist.

I can't resist calling Circle K for once in a while.

Tell them you left your bag of condoms on the counter.

Yeah, right.

I'm about to fuck a whore.

You're going to lift my gas over there.

I've done that before.

I've paid for my gas.

Dude, I paid for my gas and drove off.

And ran out of gas.

No, I came back and I'm like, look, I'm really sorry for the vapor gas and left.

And they're like, oh yeah, yeah, we noticed, we made funny.

I bet they probably goofed on me.

That's a good scam.

It's a stupid scam.

He called 911 on us.

Hello, I have an emergency.

Hello, pretty lady, how are you?

I'm doing okay, how are you?

How much is premium gas?

That's a good question.

Look outside.

Uh, $3.32.

$3.52?

$3.32.

$3.32?

Why is it so expensive?

Where I come from is 89 cents.

Couldn't tell you.

I give you $3.15.

I good?

Okay, I come.

No.

I give you $3.15.

Very funny.

In my country, women do not talk like that.

I say what goes $3.15.

His market is good.

Yes?

You see my debit card there?

Hello?

Okay.

Bye, bitch.

What's the call tonight?

That bitch is a cunt.

She is a cunt.

She laughed at me.

I like that George Bush picture.

He gave me a look at it this whole time.

Bush is Antichrist.

Yeah, Bush with the 666 Letterman jacket.

And he's got a penciled-on mustache and goatee.

Oh, there's a mustache?

I didn't even see that.

That makes him look way more evil.

He's got the Sanchez thing going on.

Oh, anti-drug got prank called.

Anti-drug got prank called?

Oh, really?

Victim of phone abuse.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, he was imitating the Dunkin' Donuts guy.

Oh, okay, he's telling me.

I see 9-1-1

Hello

Hello there

People brain coding me

They're playing

Me threatening them

On the phone

Fuck you

You fuck bitch

Fuck

Fucking bitch

Mother bitch

Fuck bitch

Mother fucker

Bitch

What does he say

I can't remember already

Fuck you bitch

Mother fucker

Fuck you bitch

Mother fucker

Fuck you bitch

Mother fucker

Just like that

Yeah

That guy's a dick

He is a dick

Every week we're gonna call him

Just to remind him

To be um

More courteous to people

There's a lot of people who might want donuts late at night.

There's a lot of people in America, as a very wealthy country, who might want donuts late at night, and he should be very nice to us.

That's funny.

I posted that picture that EarthDog sent us, and he says, I posted that before, and he storms off angry.

I'm sorry, EarthDog.

You're actually the most valued member of the PCU community, and we don't want to get you upset.

Sorry, buddy.

EarthDog.

People like EarthDog, thank you.

And, of course, who else?

Lonesome Loser, thank you, of course.

Yeah, we only had one caller tonight.

Only one?

Who was that anyway?

Cloned.

The stoner called in, yeah.

The stoner who's getting divorced.

Hey, what's up?

It's Cloned Homegrown.

Hey, yeah, yeah, now.

I gotta take a ball here now.

All my girls mad at me because I'm paying more attention to the people who listen to her.

He likes it.

He likes when we make fun of him.

That's nice.

We're not making fun of him.

We just like his voice.

Bitch, take a hit of weed and chill the fuck out.

Yeah, chill the fuck out, bitch.

That's what I told her.

I'll beat you.

She doesn't seem to understand that.

Okay.

Get stoned enough so you can ignore my right cross.

Be sure to listen to KDK on Saturday night.

Yep.

He's on at 10 o'clock tomorrow.

I don't know who's on.

Is there anything on Friday night?

I don't know.

Dr. Lego, maybe?

Lego, maybe.

Everybody should check in.

I know everybody who listens to PCU probably has a lot of things to do on Friday night.

Yeah, I'm sure.

This is a...

Yeah.

Yeah, because usually people who listen on a Thursday night have a lot to do on a Friday

night.

They should check in and see if Lego maybe has a show on.

Yep.

If he does, it'll be very entertaining.

If he doesn't, you're not doing anything anyway.

So, why not?

Yeah, why not?

Why not?

Motherfuckers.

Sunday night, perhaps Sean Warble graces with the show.

Perhaps not.

Don't be let down if he doesn't.

Send Lego that number.

Yeah.

Well, he does the show tomorrow.

Send it to him, and I'll let him play with it.

Yeah.

Everybody should call that guy.

That way, if he does call the police, we'll confound his investigation.

Yeah, we'll have Lego take the hit.

He has got a lot of money.

Lego has got, like, lawyers.

Your Lego, don't block your call with this guy.

I think he's Jewish, and he has lawyers and shit like that.

Yeah, he's got Jewish bankers and lawyers behind him.

Yeah, he'll be all right.

It's fine.

Monday night, nothing.

Tuesday night, Cable and his crazy talk.

You're a minority, and I'm white trash,

so there's a very good chance we could both end up in jail.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah, exactly.

So what did you say, Saturday night?

Who's on Saturday night?

Joop and Katie Caron.

Oh, Joop, great.

Tuesday night, K-Bone's Crazy Talk at 9 o'clock, I suppose.

And Wednesday night, KDK does a show sometimes.

I don't know.

He doesn't always do a show, but he does sometimes.

And then we're on again on Thursday night.

So that's it.

It's pretty much the only show that you can count on being here week to week is ours.

Is ours.

Exactly.

Yeah, we are always constant, always here Thursday.

We are the beacon, the one beacon left on PC at this point.

We're carrying the station.

It's us?

It's us.

We're carrying it right now.

We're the only constant one.

Well, KDK, though, always does a show.

He does at least one show a week, right?

KDK always does a Saturday show, that's for sure.

And if he doesn't, he plays a recorded one, no matter what.

He always does something, so.

Anyway, and everybody in the chat room, Ultraviolet, good night.

Good to see you in the chat room.

Everybody else has been in the chat room contributing, anti-drug and so forth.

Special good night to Slow J.

Slow J.

For some reason.

He likes Slow J.

I just picked that number out.

Slow J.

That's Andy.

Slow J.

Andy's chat pick of the week.

Slow J.

Slow J, ex-babe who's fake.

Who else? Sly M never talks. Spoonjabot never talks.

Clone Homeground. That's it.

Damn, the chat room is dead.

Good luck. Good luck right back to you, Ultraviolet.

Wish me good luck again next week

because I haven't taken my test

and passed it yet. Good luck with that. You'll be fine.

I'm sure I'll pass it because I've been reading

this shit. I've read it like four times already.

I'm ready for the test.

Good deal. I'm sure you'll do fine.

Soon I will be bringing your food

stuffs and light

bulbs across the country.

I almost said chunchery.

Right.

Mad Man, goodnight to Mad Man also, the guy who runs the chat server.

Always vigilant, that Mad Man.

Always a busy man, skateboarding and whatnot.

He lifted 100 pounds over his head.

He did.

100 pounds?

Yeah.

That's very good.

And that's it, everybody.

Thank you very much for being with us, and you'll catch us here next week.

Please be sure to...

Fuck you, bitch motherfuckers.

Fuck you, bitch...

Fuck you, bitch motherfuckers.

There you go.

Two of them at once.

And end scene.

Sweet.

We'll see you here next week.

MadHouseLive.com.

Laundry. I got your dirty laundry over here on my face.

I don't want nobody else in my house. I fucked up on one person right here and that fucked up for

the rest. You like listening to me on the phone? Yeah. Calling me from blocked number. I ain't

know a blocked number. What you need to do is hang up. I don't, but I'm not going to leave.

Hey, I heard your whole conversation. Don't, don't make me call, call the police.

What kind of police is this?

Yeah, you know what's up.

Yeah, it's not you.

I'm going to blackmail you.

Oh, I'm so scared.

Jive turkey ass motherfucker, what are you talking about?

Jive turkey, you bitch.

You didn't hear, boy.

You jive turkey motherfucker.

Who are you talking to, Sean?

What are you doing?

Man, you can show me a place here.

I'm about to go whoop some motherfuckers ass because I don't even know who the fuck

you talking about.

How much you going to charge you guys?

Take somebody over here to the taxicab.

Man, this ain't no motherfucking taxicab.

All right.

I'm coming with you.

I'm fucking picking somebody up.

I'm whooping your goddamn ass.

I kicked your ass, you son of a bitch, and your goddamn mother.

What?

Your mother.

You motherfucking nigger.

How you like that, you piece of shit?

I'm not a fucking nigger.

You son of a bitch.

You nigger motherfucker.

She's probably a nigger, man.

What?

Man, I'm a motherfucking 50-priced goddamn phone.

This is a white man that don't want to hear from no goddamn niggers calling me in the

fucking middle of the night.

Listen, listen, boy.

Listen, boy.

You call a boy, I'll show you a boy with a 12-gauge shotgun, motherfucker.

Listen, cracker.

You're gonna have three letters.

Listen here, cracker. Listen here, cracker.

You call a cracker, I'll show you some fucking three-letter, motherfucker.

I'll see you here. I'll see you here.

Are you Michael Frazier?

Man, this ain't Michael Frazier, man. This is a white man.

Look, let me just ask you real quick.

First of all, why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you! Fuck you fucking piece of shit!

Fuck you, you stupid bitch.

Aloha.

Yeah, how you guys doing, man?

I'm staying in Honolulu.

I'm from out of town, from the United States.

You know what I'm saying?

Nope.

And I like chicken.

You're on Tahiti Street?

Yes, sir.

Yeah.

Can you bring me some chicken?

You cannot bring your chicken.

You don't have a delivery.

What?

A to the K, yo.

A to the KFC.

I have a delivery.

Can you dip a wing in your pocket and run it up to me?

Yeah, but I'm only one over here.

i cannot uh drop a chicken on you we would give you a couple hundred dollars though

are you ready i wish i was the governor just pretend i'm sitting on you okay no problem okay

yeah oh i gotta go please do wash your hands yeah yeah some kind of lighting where you have

to do this stuff so this is a very interesting radio you have very interesting radio thing if

you have that you know because like that's um it just shows me that you have like nothing going

no i got plenty this is what we do man i do this all the time i get lots of what you do like

talk stupid yeah yeah really huh people actually listen to this shit people everybody loves this

shit man oh hey not everybody because anybody with a half a brain that i know don't listen

anybody half a brain would listen to this show instead of eating your shitty ass pizza

how old are you 13 yeah fucking right you sound like you're fucking 18 or 19 i'm 13 i said

Yeah, right.

Yes, I was born 13 years ago, last Friday.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

I'm hanging up, and you better not call.

Okay, do you have stripes in your underwear?

Do I have what?

Stripes in your underwear.

You are a sick fuck.

Come on, let me talk to your sister, man.

Be a pal.

No!

Have you ever seen your sister naked?

No!

Calls (21, 1 h 6 min of 2 h 28 min)

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