2006-05-25 Show

to the phone right now hello how you doing there buddy yo butter is this the uh the hog farm the

hog farm is this the hog farm there yeah we're trying to do some fertilizing and we need some

of that uh wait just a minute who are you my name is walter you're from i'm over here down south

i'm in augusta you know what time it is uh it's about one o'clock give me your phone number and

i'll call you when you're down to sleep so i'm sleeping now but we have a crisis here we need

I need some big, uh, feces.

Oh. Fooey on you.

Fooey on you!

Hey, how you doing?

What's up, buddy?

Are you the guy who said, uh, fuck you, bitch, motherfucker

to me last week?

Yeah, that was great.

That worked out well.

That's it?

You happy now?

Okay, that's it?

Yeah

You a man don't talk to me

If you man you chicken you you're not man you lady

Show me your dick motherfucker

Are you asking me out?

Just come over here.

Are you asking me out?

Just come over here.

Don't worry about it.

You know?

Wait, wait.

Hold on, buddy.

Hold on.

Listen.

Listen to this.

Fuck you, bitch, motherfucker.

You hear that?

So, you happy now?

Yeah, I am.

Fuck you, bitch, motherfucker.

That's good.

Are you happy?

I'm happy, yeah, with your mom.

Yeah.

Fuck your mom.

Yeah, I'm happy.

We got to call that guy every week.

Second donut.

Yo, what's up kid you again? No, yo, I left my debit card. Okay. Yo, did you get my debit card?

My name is Eddie Garcia. Look on a Eddie Garcia. What's your name? Eddie?

Garcia, yo, did it cost me my check for you? I left though. I left my debit card and my military ID

Okay, give me one second. Let me have fun for you. Okay

Yeah, I don't have any kids come here. Did you take the bathroom bathroom? Yeah. Hello. Yeah, take the bathroom, huh?

Did you check the bathroom?

I checked the bathroom?

Yes or no?

No.

Fuck you, bitch, motherfucker.

You again?

Yes, right?

Fuck you, bitch, motherfucker.

What do you have to say?

No, no, no.

Did you know me?

What?

No, no, I'm serious.

I'm serious.

Let me tell you.

That's all, folks.

Did you know me or no?

No, we don't, bitch.

Okay.

Okay, what?

What?

You niggas, motherfucker.

What?

Go back to Africa.

Fucker.

I'm not from Africa, stupid.

Huh?

Stupid, I'm not from Africa.

For what?

I'm not from Africa, stupid.

Mexican?

No.

For what?

Where do you think I'm from?

Where, where, where?

For, for, for, from animal zoo?

No, I'm from Scotland, bitch.

Okay, motherfucker.

Do you know, do you know who's your daddy?

No.

Do you know, do you know how many guys fuck your mom before you came?

No.

Oh, that's good. Go after her. How many guys fucked her before you came?

Tell me, tell me.

That's great, man.

Yeah, how you doing?

You again?

No. Has my son been calling you, sir?

Huh?

Has my son been calling you?

Son?

My son. Has my son been calling you?

I don't know.

Well, my son is a little upset, and I caught him on the phone with his friend here, spending the night again like they do every Thursday.

No, because, I don't know, I called 9-1-1 for some people, some guy, he's playing, so I don't know what happened, you know, so just I called 9-1-1.

You called 9-1-1 for a stupid air-rav emergency?

Yeah, for the stupid...

Stupid air-rav emergency?

Hmm?

Is that why you called 9-1-1?

Yes.

You know, I have you on tape threatening my son.

You shouldn't threaten me, sir.

I'm going to play it right now.

Listen to what you said.

Fuck you, bitch, motherfucker.

I consider that a drug assault on my person.

Okay, that's good.

What do you think about that?

That's good.

And then you said you were going to hurt me.

Remember that?

And you said you were going to bend his thorax.

I'm going to sue you.

What?

I'm sorry.

What?

What did you say?

What?

I said what you just said.

You said what you said.

What did I say?

What did you say?

Yes.

You just said something.

What did you say?

What I said for you.

You threatened to hurt me.

Go ahead.

I hurt you?

Yeah, you said you were going to hurt me.

Say it again.

I heard you.

I don't know you.

I'm recording this.

Go ahead and say you were going to hurt me.

I don't know you.

You call always.

I don't know you.

Hey, but you understand.

I told you, if you man.

Listen.

I told you, if you are man, come here.

Don't talk phone.

Come here face to face.

I want to see you.

Who are you?

I don't know you.

Who are you?

But if I come down there, what are you going to do to me?

Well, just come down.

Don't worry about it.

My dad wants me to come down.

Listen, listen, listen.

I can't do nothing.

I can't do, I can't, I can't do nothing, but don't, don't call always, every day, okay?

My dad said I should go down there and apologize to you.

Well, anyway, this is work here, this is a job here.

I don't want you to joke me.

If you're gonna play, if you're gonna, if you're gonna play, enjoy yourself, because

I called 911.

I want to come down there, I want to come down there and apologize.

Great.

Hey, when are you gonna let me come down and apologize?

You're listening to Madhouse Radio, with Carlito, Minimon, and then I'm psychic Andy, Spookasliff, Nocosek, Rastavar, and Spikabish, bitch.

Thursday. Today is Thursday.

the best thing that ever happened there are those who believe life here began out there

or across the universe tribes of humans may have been the forefathers of the egyptians

baltex or the mayans they may have been the architects of the great pyramids lost civilizations

of lemuria or atlantis some believe that there may yet be brothers of man who even now fight

To survive somewhere beyond the heavens.

There will be no order, only chaos.

That being said, grab a blunt, take a big hit, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

Boeing is an exclusive of PCU Radio and MadHouseLive.com.

Flight controllers, listen up.

Give me a go, no, go for launch.

Booster.

Go.

Retro.

Go.

Vital.

Go flight.

Guidance.

Guidance go.

Surgeon.

Go flight.

E-comm.

We're go flight.

GNC.

We're go.

I know drug real from real real.

Chris, I taste this today.

First of all, um...

Why don't you shut the hell, why don't you shut the hell up?

You, fuck you, fucking piece of shit!

But maybe he's only a little crazy, like painters or composers or some of those men in Washington.

Hey, there it is.

We got wires everywhere, man.

Hang on.

What's up, everybody?

It's the Madhouse.

You're listening to it.

It's May the 25th, and we're here.

It's I, here, Carlito, with you tonight as every Thursday night.

I am here speaking bad grammar.

And next to me I have none other than Andy.

What's up, man?

What's going on, man?

How you doing, man?

You passed your test, Andy.

Yeah.

Congratulations.

What'd you get on that?

I did perfect on the air brakes part.

And then on the combinations, I missed two questions.

And then on the 50 question one, I missed the first five and I was freaking out.

But then I rallied late and I passed it.

Did you see the deal?

Yeah, most people don't pass that on the first time, but I did.

So I should get some applause or something.

Give me the foot stomp and applause.

All right, we'll do that.

There you go.

A standing ovation.

Congratulations.

So what is that, your CDL?

Yeah.

Your CDL learner's permit?

Yeah, it's just a learner's permit.

CDL learner's permit.

CDL, what's that stand for?

Commercial driver license?

Yeah, look at that.

Wow.

You're becoming ingrained to our American ways.

Well, congratulations, Andy.

You're going places, man.

Glad to see you pull yourself up.

By the bootstraps.

By the bootstraps, like Kennedy would say.

Yeah, very much.

John F. Kennedy would be very proud of you, Andy.

Yeah.

I know you feel great because of that.

Yeah.

That's how I'm down tonight, don't I?

I'm all talking low and all quiet.

Andy's in the chat room on his own today.

Yeah.

On Athena's computer, on Athena's laptop.

Isn't that great?

So he can do whatever he wants tonight.

He's in the chat room right now.

It's apple seed.

Athena's bleeding out in the bathtub.

Carl's killing her.

I took out her kidneys before I did that.

Actually, she's seeing her black boyfriend.

Ah.

I don't have a black boyfriend.

No, her black boyfriend.

Oh, her black boyfriend?

You couldn't get a black guy.

I could.

No.

I so have.

No.

You'd be like Vito in The Sopranos.

Yeah, with some gay-looking biker volunteer firefighter.

Yeah, you get a black guy with a big, bushy mustache and he'd bend you over.

Man, Vito got fucked up on Sunday, man.

He got beat pretty bad.

They couldn't recognize his face, they say.

see yeah i i watched it sunday night but i blacked out like five minutes into it i blacked out sunday

night it was the first time i blacked out in like over a year that was fun yeah interesting i woke

up on my back porch at like three in the morning in a pool of vomit it was great three in the

morning yes three in the morning all right okay and my knees are all fucked up because i think i

was sitting on my weight bench i just fell off like knee first ah were you working out you just

I was working out my liver.

Your drinking arm.

Oh, man.

Well, that's great, man.

Good for you.

I haven't passed out in a long time.

You know, I heard I've actually edited all the shows for 2006.

I have to update them.

I have to put them on the website, but they're all edited.

I had a show where I got drunk, cursed out Athena on the air,

cursed out Milkman after I was done with Athena.

I was like, hey, Milkman, you got a problem?

And I started cursing him out.

Now, remember I told you that I'd broken the phone, the last phone, the one that I use?

Yeah.

I broke it because I called Bright House Networks, my cable provider at the time,

and I started giving the woman shit.

I was being really drunk and mean to her, and I, like, took the phone,

and I slammed it on the desk, and I broke it.

You probably gave her feedback.

She's crippled now.

Yeah.

I should play that.

It's very funny sounding.

Now the only job she can get is she has to wipe the dead's ass.

And the dead wants to do it three-way.

That's good.

That is good.

We should have the dad call the guy, the Arab guy who wants to fight us.

Yes, that's right.

We should have him call the Arab guy.

That would be a great call.

Yes.

And tell him just to, like, play it straight for as long as he can.

Yeah, please.

He jumps into it worse than I do with, you know, busting the nut before he should.

You know what I mean?

That's nasty.

Well, I'm trying to say, like, when I go in there, I just start getting too aggressive too early.

Yeah.

It's good, like, when you got to pull him in a little bit, you know.

Let them think he's having a nice call about donuts or something.

A quality porno will have a storyline to it before you get to the action.

You know, you've got to build up a storyline.

No?

You just have to get to the run.

Yeah, I always start watching once they start spitting on each other,

and then that's where I go into it.

Once they're spitting on each other.

You spit on your dick.

Nice.

Okay.

Well, Andy's favorite scenes are the getting spit on the dick scenes, everybody.

Yeah, spit on the dick, bitch.

Okay.

Okay, Lonesome Loser in the chat room has sent us numbers already.

Now, we are going to try, Andy, if you're all right with this,

you want to try calling your friend at the Dunkin' Donuts?

Yeah, well, like I said, we should have the dead call.

That should be first, just so, like, you know,

because he probably knows our voices by now.

Yeah, he does, so we need to get different voices to call him.

And then we'll jump in.

Then, Andy, you can jump in and piss him off

because he loves fighting with you, man.

He's my enemy.

I don't even fight with him.

He yells at me, and I tell him not to threaten me and to leave me alone.

Yeah, he, like, pisses him off even more.

Let me post that link I put in there again

Just in case everybody didn't know

Today is supposedly Armageddon

Armageddon today or just

The guy who used to run the space camp

He predicted that an asteroid

Was going to hit the Atlantic today

The evil, the dark aliens

Are sending it

The dark aliens

You can go on there and look at maps

And see if the area you live in is going to be underwater

It looks like Florida is pretty much doomed

So this will be the final show

I scratched my dog

extra behind the ear tonight before I left.

No way. It worked earlier. I still have it up.

That's savelivesinmay.com

savelivesinmay.com

I have it on here.

Two people confirming that link is dead.

Maybe he got hit already.

Maybe the tsunami is about to hit us.

Oh my god, Andy, should we be turning on CNN

in the background or something?

No, I don't think so.

I'd rather just all of a sudden get a wall of water coming in

and just wipe us out.

We'll monitor things here on our end

if we see a tsunami alert

alert and we'll know you guys well you're probably heroes drowning because we're probably well

actually actually carlito uh fat floats so i think we might get out of it all right yeah but we'll

be cut off the air though yeah oh well what'd you say earlier we had like a half hour of um

of uh power left on your computer yeah that's right that's right that's right so we'll be

able to broadcast as you know in the last 30 minutes of our lives for the most part um poop

is in the chat room as well i also got lonesome loser my bad anyway the chat room i digress uh

The dad wants to call in and do a prank call.

Hopefully he does.

He said he wants to call in regardless.

You know, Tuck's computer got hit by lightning.

And he lost his dial-up modem.

That's all he gets.

He lives in Ethiopia?

No, he lives in Iowa, I want to say, or something like that.

No, Tennessee.

He lives in Tennessee, like in the hills kind of thing.

You know what I mean?

All right, that's the map link I just put up.

So see if those guys can get that.

Okay, we'll explain it to people if it's not working.

I guess it's flooded, yes.

Yes, it must have gotten posted somewhere.

Maybe FARC or something.

Maybe it's FARC.

Anyway, so what are you seeing?

I don't know, that's weird that I got it.

Well, you know, supposedly the evil aliens, they're sending a tsunami.

They're going to hit us with a meteor to start a tsunami.

Okay.

You know, in an effort to go ahead and get us to stop using nuclear weapons.

Okay.

Is that the forum page right there?

No, well, that's the ultra-racist forum I post on.

I don't want to get that one out.

There's an ultra, oh, like anti.

Well, no, they're libertarians.

it's a libertarian forum but if you go on a libertarian forum uh 33 is like white supremacist

uh 33 is um incredibly racist survivalist and then uh the other 33 is like um you know

semi-normal people but it's it's like the most fun forum ever because they just um they accuse

each other being jews all the time yeah i love it you're right they go you know they'll be like uh

Someone will say something, they'll disagree with them, and they'll be like, wait a minute, you're a Jew.

Who was that?

I just like that for some reason.

Yeah, interesting.

Yeah, they're like, you Jew.

You dirty Jew, you run the media.

Okay.

So they believe the Jews run the media.

All right.

See, look, here, Carlito, here's the map of Florida.

Okay.

So, yeah, we're getting wiped out.

Yeah.

Pretty much the whole story.

I don't think it's going to go like, you know, the one that hit, like, in, you know, in East Asia or whatever.

Yeah.

If you were a few miles inland, I think you're all right.

You know, you floated for a minute or two, and then the water goes away.

And this is like a huge comet, and then, you know, everyone's going to die anyway.

Yeah, because it's going to hit.

Yeah, I mean, like, you know, if a comet the size of a car hits, there's a tsunami.

If a comet the size of the combined weight of all of Carlito's ex-girlfriends hits, we all die.

The entire planet's destroyed.

That's right.

Oh, yeah.

That burned you.

Yes, you did.

Thank you.

you excuse me everybody one second that's better oh man fucking nasty nasty stuff um no this is a

um earth i was asking you found that out from riley martin no i was wondering if he was gonna

talk about it on his show but i didn't get a chance to listen to it so hopefully we don't

get hit by the uh comments i can listen to him talk about it happening yeah yeah no i found out

it was actually it was posted on my crazy uh um libertarian forum they post stuff like that all

the time i should go on there and i should read off some of the names of the other articles for

Alright, do that, please.

Give me a minute, I'll find some funny ones.

That sounds like a great bit.

Here's one.

This is a forum.

This is one of the sub-forums.

Race, ethnic, religious relations, supremacy, and white separatism.

That's a forum.

Yeah, there's no sponsor for that one.

Okay, I'm sorry, that's your show.

See, none of these are that funny.

I'll find some funny ones when I'm ready.

As you find them, you can do it and just interrupt me for a second.

I don't really even post on it because if I post on it,

I don't want to be accused of being a Jew.

Yeah.

I mean, that's just too much for me to handle.

Yeah, it is a lot to handle, man.

I feel for you right there.

I wouldn't want to be accused of being a Jew myself.

People really hate Jews.

BMR's asking, is it free talk live?

I don't know.

No, no, it's not VR.

BMR.

Oh, okay.

All right.

I don't want him to know about it, though.

Okay.

It's my little fun thing.

These guys, if I give this out to the PCU people, they'll go on there and post it.

Yeah, they'll start a chain.

We'll get into it.

They'll go on there and get called Jews.

That'd be funny.

PCU listen to this bunch of Jews

PCU Jew talk radio

listen to Jew talk radio

for the thousandth time god damn let me get this shit out

okay the home page you need to be visiting

tonight if you're listening to us for the first time

or for the thousandth time you want to go to

madhouselive.com first and foremost

again that's madhouselive.com

and that's our home page

for this show that you're listening to we're on every

Thursday night starting at 10pm eastern

and we do we talk

right we play music kind of

Mostly prank calls, right?

Just talk shit.

Star Trek, Blade, Siege.

Yeah, a lot of these they post, they'll post like a story,

and then they give it a nice white supremacist crazy slant to it.

Okay, nice.

So some of the things, you know, they won't sound that funny,

but if I go and I read the first couple of postings about it, it'll crack you up.

Yeah, okay.

PCURadio.com is the homepage for prank call underground radio.

There's a night drinking thread.

I have a drinking thread.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, we should post it

and people listen to the show, man.

I don't know here.

I don't have a...

I'm not actually a member,

so I have to, like, sign up and shit.

And you want people to know what this is

because they could go in there.

That'd be fun to get these kind of people

listening and calling in to the show.

Jesus is the way to peace.

Right.

Oh, look, there's that guy you like.

Oh, look, there's that dude, yeah.

They got the black guy who's like,

are you a laughing biatch?

Biatch.

See, they like him, too.

Oh, that guy right there,

he's one of my favorite posters

because he's got his own ministry

and they do a radio show on the internet, too.

I do, yeah. And he's always posting about the end of the world and stuff.

That guy really hates the Jews more than anyone else, I think.

You're in the madhouse. Go ahead, please.

I hate fucking Jews.

Yeah, I found you.

I hate motherfucking Jew bastard motherfuckers.

I hate niggas.

Fucking, I hate, I hate chinks.

I hate fucking, fuck, I hate everybody.

Fuck you.

What's up?

Fuck them all.

Hey, Dr. Jew.

Hey, Dr. Lego, do you know where Carlito's woman is tonight?

Yes, I do.

Hold on, let me get, wait, let me get it from under my desk, wait.

Hey, hey, hey, not nice.

She's out tonight, what do you think she's doing?

Well, I did see her with a couple black guys.

I do see her with a few black guys, and I will have some audio of that in a few moments.

Here we go with the fucking audio.

Alright, well you and Andy discuss that while I go grab the other phone so I can talk to Andy.

Andy, here, talk to him, give me like ten minutes.

Two minutes.

How you doing, Dr. Lego?

What's going on, buddy?

Well, you know, to be honest with you, I'm just, uh...

You sound down.

Yeah, man.

I ain't gotten laid in a while.

You're a swinger wife.

Fuck.

She's not letting you peel it back?

You know, Stitch ain't been giving it up lately.

Hey, hey, guys.

Hey, guys.

Check this out.

Oh, wow.

What is that?

Hey, listen to this.

What is that?

Hey, it's Carlito.

I'm gonna put the...

Hey, bring me a beer, tubby.

Okay.

I'm gonna put the phone in the dryer real quick and turn it on.

We'll see what it sounds like.

No.

It's gonna break.

All right, that worked.

Great.

How'd that sound, Andy?

That was a great radio.

All right, thanks.

I don't think I've ever heard that sound.

I'll be right back with your beer, sir.

Put it in the toilet now.

I'll be right back with your beer, sir.

All right.

So, Lego, you doing a show tomorrow, man?

Actually, I've got a gig tomorrow night, but I'm going to try and do something a little early.

So if somebody wants to take the late at half.

Yeah.

What time are you going to try and be on, Lego?

Eight o'clock.

Oh, I can listen to eight o'clock.

I do like eight o'clock.

But, you know, no guarantees.

It all depends on how the day goes, you know.

Last week I did a show.

It was kind of, but we did it.

That one goes right where the beer is.

I'm not comfortable.

What's new with you guys?

What you been up to?

I've been walking around the condo now, getting the phones.

I forgot to get them for the show.

You're in a condo?

Yeah, in a condo, unfortunately.

I gotta get my headphones on.

I've been preparing myself for the tsunami.

Where's the tsunami coming?

Um, you know, later on tonight.

Oh, where?

Um, the Atlantic Ocean.

Orlando?

No, the Atlantic Ocean.

And there can't be a tsunami in Chicago.

If it doesn't hit the Lake Michigan, that would be bad.

Oh, there could be.

Yeah, hopefully if it did, it would kill the Cubs, because they fucking suck, and it's killing me.

The Cubs?

It's not your team.

You don't want to kill your own team, man.

At least we'd have an excuse to suck, then.

How about those Mets, man?

I don't even care about them.

They're a bunch of fucking homos.

That's the gayest team ever, dude.

Dude, the Mets are doing all right.

Oh, here's a cool article I was reading earlier.

Yeah, this is an article that's all about how America is sponsoring Aborigine gangs in Australia.

This is a teardown Australian society, and in South America as well.

There's aborigine gangs in Australia?

Yeah, of course there is.

There's aborigine gangs in Australia?

Yeah.

Wow, man.

That's fucking crazy.

They'll fuck your kneecaps up, because those motherfuckers are like five foot tall.

I'd love to see aborigine porn.

Yes, go ahead, sir.

You ever see this exercise video, Body Bite Jake?

Yeah.

Heard of it.

You see that guy on TV, Body Bite Jake?

Yep.

I've seen him.

All right, you know dude. I was looking at this exercise video, and he's got the like this chick

You know and he's like moving around telling her what to do the guy's a fucking perv

Oh, it's just like it's just like him getting off on fucking you know playing with this chick man

It's there's nothing. There's nothing about this video. Yeah, but I have some good about it

They go and I hope girls exercise. I always stable them with a finger in its why thank you so stable. Yeah, that's how I spot

Hey, listen, I gotta put a finger in your twat or else that way it might get away from

you.

Like Prank Master, when he helps kids on the boat.

Yeah, yeah, but usually I generally go for the of-age, like, you know.

Yeah, he IM'd me the other day.

He's out in California working on a boat.

Wow.

Hey, man.

Look at him.

He's moving up in the world.

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

I was pretty impressed.

I was like, damn, you helping any kids up into the lifeboat?

Yeah, he's the, uh, actually I heard that he was the, uh, the lifeguard at the kiddie pool.

God.

Oh, man. Hey, uh, Lego.

Yeah, what's up, my brother?

Uh, so how's, you got a gig tomorrow night. How often do you have gigs? Are you doing them weekly, or?

Well, you know what, in the summertime it gets, you know, the band gets a little busier, but, you know, usually it's Saturday nights.

But, uh, I'm, I'm trying to be consistent with the Friday show. I miss the last few weeks. Business has been great. I've been doing like 60, 70 hour weeks, so.

So what do you guys do? You load up on coke and then you go play some bar in Jersey? Is that what goes on?

Basically, you know, we fucking, we load up on some coke and heroin and basically we go play some bar in Jersey.

And, you know, we fucking, we jam. We jam with Bruce and the fucking Rat Race Choir and all those guys, man.

That's cool. I heard that you end every show with, first you do Freebird and then you do Louie Louie.

No, we end the show with that song Disneyland.

I don't know that one.

Oh, yeah.

Did you guys hear my version of Disneyland?

Yeah, did you sing about Athena in that?

That was funny.

We weren't expecting that.

We were here, and you said, I don't know what part you said about Athena sucking cocks or something.

And I said, Athena?

She's like, yeah.

She's like, Lego put you in another song.

And she came to hear it.

You know, it already passed, and I didn't get to record it, so.

Would you guys want to hear it?

Yeah, send me a copy of it.

Definitely.

Well, I can play it for you right now.

All right.

Hey, is this acoustic, Lego?

Yeah, yeah, here you go. Hold on.

All right. I'm excited.

I think lyrics put a lot of time into those lyrics.

Seriously, I think of it as an art piece.

Yeah, I do, too.

You know, especially, like, my penis grew a half an inch.

I mean, just, you know, I think that alone is, like, a monumental statement.

Like, people don't realize, like, you know, the double meaning and the synergy of it.

I don't. Synergy, you explain that?

Synergy, I love that word, Synergy, man.

Yeah, you know, because it sounds like I know what I'm talking about.

I love that word, Synergy, man.

But I really don't know shit.

True story, Atari was originally going to be called Synergy,

but some other company had the patent on it or something,

trademark on it, and they had to pick Atari.

What does Atari mean?

It means check in Japanese chess, I believe.

Japanese chess.

Atari means check.

I believe that's what it is, yes.

I got to tell you, Atari, man, that was a fucking bomb back in the day, man.

They're like the fucking originator games.

You know what was the best game?

Was that game called War?

Yeah, the tanks, the planes.

It was so stupid.

I used to play that for hours on end.

You guys remember ColecoVision?

No, that's before our time.

That's just before.

I saw it, but I was maybe three.

I remember seeing it like in Toy Story.

ColecoVision, that was like a game that came out around Atari's time

or maybe a little before it.

I know about it.

I mean, I've heard it.

Yeah, if I remember right, my dad used to smoke pot and play Clico Vision Tennis all day.

That's what he was up to.

Really?

Interesting.

Yeah.

Man.

We're more of the NES, Super NES in our middle school, high school.

NES and Super NES were great.

I love, you know what my favorite game on NES was?

Mike Tyson's Punch-Out.

Oh, yeah.

That was dope.

I was a big fan.

I was a big fan of Mario Kart and Commando.

Yeah.

Contra.

Contra, yo.

No, no.

Contra, man.

Super Dodgeball.

You did like Super Dodgeball.

I have all those games.

Super Dodgeball was the best.

Leggo, I have all those games, man.

Pretty much every NES.

They're great games.

Yeah, well, you got the Nintendo games.

They have the PC emulators now where you could, like, download them.

Do you have that?

Because I could send that to you if you wanted.

Yeah, no, I have all that shit.

Well, good for you.

You know, also a cool game that came out on the Nintendo GameCube, which is, you know,

obviously, you know, in the last five years, but it's just a great game, is that Monkey

Super Monkey Ball.

You ever play that?

No.

Can't say.

I've heard of it, but no.

Monkey Ball is fucking is a great great game. You know what I love Smash Brothers though man on Gamecube

I know I did I agree, but I'm not I'm not a Nintendo lover

You know I like you know I like games like Half-Life to me

That's like one of the best games ever man not the Final Fantasy series

They're remaking Final Fantasy 7 and the first one for a PlayStation

I'm gonna run it and they're they're remaking a Final Fantasy 3 that never came out in the United States

Actually, Final Fantasy 3 came out in the United States. That was the first one that...

No, that was Final Fantasy 6 over in Japan, was Final Fantasy 3.

Final Fantasy... I'm talking about... because who gives a fuck about Japan, first of all?

Final Fantasy 2 and 3 were awesome.

Yeah, well, those are 4... those are 5 and 6, I believe.

Yeah, that's stupid though.

Well, Final Fantasy 6, to me, Final Fantasy 6 is the best game ever made, hands down.

See, I wish somebody would make a video game...

See, like, Grand Theft Auto, they had the right idea, but the problem is,

I wish somebody would make a game where you fucking, like, you're walking down the street,

you see some hot chick, fucking hit her in the head, you fucking rip her panties off,

and you fucking bang her ass.

And it's all graphic, and you fucking pull out, splat it all over her face, fucking...

Who's gonna make a... I wanna see that game.

I'll buy that game.

Yeah, um, that game is what's going on with Athena right now in, like, Lakeland.

Or whatever it is in Lakeland.

Yeah, we could call the game, like, Raping Athena or something.

Oh, nice. Raping Athena.

Athena's Chocolate Alley.

Great, nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I hope she's not listening.

We have her computer, she's fine.

I got a question for you.

I got a question for you guys.

How many words can you

come up with that represent

vagina, the female vagina?

Cooter, cunt, pussy, snatch.

Eight.

Was that eight?

I can come up with about 30.

I don't know, I probably ain't as smart as you.

I come up with a twat.

I asked Kim to come up with, you know, for penis, and she came up with like 40.

40?

Yeah, well she's an expert when it comes to pot.

That's just how many she's had on her face in the last month.

Wow.

But then, you know, then I was thinking like, alright, how many words can you come up with, you know, for the butt?

Like, you know, Hershey Highway, you know, shit like that.

Poop shoot.

Yeah, Poop Shoot is a good one.

Shitter.

Which one?

The Shitter.

The Can.

The Hershey Highway.

The Third Eye.

I said that already, man.

Don't be fucking around with my life.

The Brown Eye.

The Chocolate Factory.

I've never heard that before.

Willy Wonka.

Yeah.

The Chocolate Factory.

That's what they're calling Britain.

That's what R. Kelly calls it.

The Chocolate Factory.

Oh, really?

The Chocolate Factory.

Yeah.

That's what it means.

It means the ass.

He's nasty, man.

His album, that one album came out.

You ever see that video where he pissed on a young girl?

I like that.

Yeah, I mean, I know she was underage and all, but she was hot.

I saw the Dave Chappelle version of it.

Yeah.

It was hard.

Yeah.

It was hard.

That guy's, you know, ahead of his time, like, you know, probably 50 years from now, you

know, R. Kelly would be up there with, like, Picasso, you know, R. Kelly.

I'll tell you what, R. Kelly has balls, because they showed, side by side, they showed his

MTV Cribs, and they showed the inside of his house on MTV Cribs, like, the first season

of it, and you saw all the, like, you saw his awards, like, his music awards and stuff,

of brammies and stuff and you saw like where he had him placed you saw the placement of everything

in his house you know my favorite this that the the porno video with with the with the minor and

shit with him pissing on her you see the same exact stuff in the same exact places and he still

denied it yeah actually actually i remember when they did chris with them and they're walking

through his movie room they were playing that in the back my favorite part is when they went

in the bathroom and he showed him his diamond crusted crack pipe yeah that was the best part

Lego, you want to do a call, man?

We haven't done one call yet.

Dude, we're so good, we don't need to do it.

Yeah, look at that.

Wow.

We're almost professional.

Fucking Drew from Monkey Phone is IMing me right now like, what?

You know, he's been eating up bandwidth, so much fucking bandwidth on my server.

I gave him like, I don't know, I gave him like five gigabytes of transfer, which is a lot,

and he already used it up.

I don't know what he's fucking doing with it.

What the hell is he doing, man?

But whatever the case may be, he didn't fucking pay me yet.

So, you know what? Pay me, and then we'll talk about fucking bandwidth.

I'll fucking, I'll cap you, motherfucker.

I'll, you know, your sight's down because you're a fucking pig.

A, you haven't fucking paid me, and B, you're fucking, you're hogging the bandwidth.

So, you know, go fuck yourself, nigga.

We got Drew from Monkey Phone's phone number. We should call him and have Lego yell at him.

I don't want to call him because I don't want to wake that woman up.

Yeah, fuck, I don't care.

I'm going to wake that woman up.

Lego, it's on you. You can do the call.

Lego, three-way him.

him her connect us to jew jew from monkey phone jew oh here here i found one all right some

israeli war criminals and then infrared to see israeli prime minister israeli prime minister

because they all israeli prime ministers are war criminals all right go ahead who we calling

we're calling on your buddy drew from monkey phone so you can yell at him i don't want to

deal with all right all right in the chat room kim kim just walked in anybody want to talk to the

We don't have anything to say to her. She doesn't have anything to say to her.

She's gonna take a bath. She's gonna fucking make it with the shower massages.

She always has an excuse.

You can give that back. Give that back, Kim.

Kim, just take this and get out. Yeah. Go take a bath.

Go take a bath.

Go take a bath, bitch.

Go take a bath. Wash that shit out. What?

You gotta get that New York Nuts semen off of you.

I will. I'm on the air for a little while.

Fucking women, right?

Tell her if she puts Jason Kidd's semen in her pussy, that's a kid that can make a lot of money for her.

Yeah.

You know what, you guys?

I'm not going to do a prank tonight.

Lego gets upset.

I always forget Lego.

You know what?

I got to go, bro.

I got to go.

Your woman's pissed at you because your woman runs the household.

That's what it is.

No, no.

You know what, dude?

She's being a fucking cunt.

Get out of here.

I got shit I got to do.

You got to get out of here.

Man, your woman is in charge of your house.

Let's do a prank.

Your woman is in charge of your house.

You don't want to get in trouble, man.

Yeah, man.

It's cool.

Okay, let's do a prank.

All right.

Fine.

We're gonna we're gonna I want you to call this Dunkin Donuts, dude. Oh, all right

He'll argue with you

Good Dunkin' Donuts.

Hey man, this guy's great.

Might be busy. Might be busy.

What was that dollar wrong?

Fuck you bitch motherfucker.

Any second now. That worked.

Great. We'll try another one.

Yeah, thanks. Thanks for being so positive.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

You have 1 hour 17 minutes.

Actually, it's this guy right here.

We're calling the wrong one.

This is the guy right here. I sent it back to him, see?

The one on Greenfield Road in Oak Park

His phone was busy, so he's there

You think maybe he's blocking it on Thursday

Because he knows what you're calling him on Thursday

That'd be some shit right there

This is the Dunkin' Donuts, right?

Yes, sir

Hi, how are you? My name is Tyrone Bates

I put in an application for the employment opportunities at your facility

Okay

I used to work over Krispy Kreme, but they shut the fucker down

And I was just wondering if, you know, if you guys need any help.

Oh, well, you know what?

Like, I'm not the manager right now.

I mean, like, I'm just like an in-charge, but I don't know about that.

Because I, you know, because it's like I have a very special way of making the donuts.

I'm good at it.

Yeah, I stick my penis right through them.

And they're really tasty that way.

Most of my biatches think that.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm pretty popular with the women.

All right, because I happen to be a goddamn good-looking man.

Okay.

We don't need, like, good-looking men.

We need, like, a good worker.

Yeah, well, I work good.

I'm good-looking.

Come on.

You know it's all about the looks.

I know a fine woman like yourself would love to work next to, like...

I got that, like...

I look like that guy.

What's that guy with the long hair and he's in the butter commercial?

You know what I'm talking about.

Okay.

You know what I'm saying?

What do you look like?

Like a girl.

You look like a girl?

Girl, you got like a nice little booty and boobies and all that?

Well, I guess so.

Well, that's what I'm talking about.

Shit, you slamming.

I knew it.

You sound hot on the phone.

All right, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

Come in here tonight and I'll buy a bunch of donuts because of your hot shit.

It doesn't matter.

You sound so beautiful.

You know what?

I'm more into the personality anyway.

I bet you're just as beautiful anyway.

It don't matter.

What's the difference?

It's the person, not what they look like.

I mean, you know, I've had all kinds of women.

I've had big, fat bitches.

I've had skinny bitches.

It don't matter.

It's the person.

If they're nice, if they're a good person, that's all that matters.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hold on a second.

I thought you were put in an application, and what are you talking about?

Excuse me while I kiss this guy, okay?

Okay, you know what?

If you want for the application, you can come tomorrow morning.

The manager will be in the store.

When will you be there again?

I want to meet you.

My name is Tyrone Bates.

They used to call me Master Bates when I was younger.

Okay.

Now they just call me Willie.

Okay.

That's because I'm always pulling it out.

They say, free Willie.

Okay.

You know what I'm saying.

Yeah.

Do you have those donuts with the cream inside?

Yeah, we do.

Because when I used to work at Krispy Kreme, I used to put my own cream inside them.

You know what I'm saying?

Okay.

So, all right.

So, listen.

I'll tell you what.

My name is Tyrone Bates, and I'll just, you know, maybe I'll come over there and buy some of your donuts.

And then maybe you can look at my applications.

You know, if you guys don't need it, you need any help tonight?

No, we don't.

Okay.

Because I don't mind, like, doing, like, you know, nigger work.

I don't mind, like, you know, cleaning the bathroom or any shit like that.

I'm from the ghetto.

It's all cool and shit.

You know what I'm saying.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

You know what I'm saying?

So let me ask you, I'm just curious.

Are you like, you know, are you like a thong kind of person?

Nah, it didn't sound like that.

It sounds like you wear them regular type panties and shit.

I like that better.

Now, what about, like, what about, you know, are you trimmed, shaved?

How do you do it?

Well, you know what?

I don't know what the hell are you talking about, but tomorrow, and that's it.

You're not talking to me anymore because I have so many...

I'm sorry.

What is your native country, though?

Why?

I'm just curious.

I love your accent.

Oh, I love Indian women.

Boney Safa, won't you take me by the hand?

You know that song?

That Indian song?

It goes, Boney Safa, won't you take me by the hand?

I do not.

Ugh, I love it.

Alright, you tell them I said hello, I love you, I love Indian women, I love that whole...

I love all that spicy food shit, it drives me crazy, makes me really horny, I love you.

Mmm, I'll come and see you. Indian women. Mmm, big hairy pussy, I love that.

Great. Super lady.

Yeah, that was really good.

Man, I got that shit in my mouth.

Hey, alright guys, sorry I fucked that one up.

Nah, nah, nah, it was good, man.

Don't, don't, don't let yourself down.

Hang on for this one. Let me do this one, all right?

Go ahead.

You counsel me on this, man.

If he picks up, you should start out.

Just make this guy angry.

See, he's got his phone on busy.

He knows we're calling him on Thursdays now.

He's a bitch.

This crazy Arab guy gets angry like a crazy bitch, man.

Well, there it is.

Well, hey, Lego.

Yes?

Thank you very much for calling in,

and you're going to start maybe 6 o'clock, 5 o'clock, 7 o'clock, if anything at all?

I love you, man.

All right.

Tomorrow, show? Yes, no?

I ain't telling you shit, all right?

Don't tell me shit.

I love you guys.

Andy's in the pisser right now.

He's taking a piss.

I hate the fucking Jews.

I hate the fucking Jews, but I love you guys.

Yeah, man.

You're all right for a Jew, okay?

No, dude.

I'm a fucking born-again fucking hermaphrodite, all right?

I'll speak to you guys later.

You have a good night.

Fuck it all.

Bye.

Fuck it.

Michael's a weird dude, that's for sure.

Lucas said fuck it to you, Andy.

To you?

Jesus, God.

Did he say it on the phone?

No, he hung up.

Why did he say fuck it to me?

He said, fuck it, and then he left.

Fuck who? Me?

He just said, fuck it. I don't know. Maybe we can catch the replay

on Instant Replay here. Hang on.

I gotta get better at this.

We'll catch Instant Replay right quick.

Maybe, maybe, maybe this will work.

While it fucks up the stream.

If he picks up, you should start out.

Just make this guy angry.

See, he's got his phone on busy.

He's like 10 minutes ago, though.

You were still here for this?

This is really behind.

This crazy Arab guy gets angry.

Anyway, we'll get back to that.

So

Um

I said fuck Andy

You can talk all the shit

You want about

And uh

You're gonna start

Maybe six o'clock

Five o'clock

Seven o'clock

Okay I didn't get this

I love you man

Tomorrow

Show

Yes no

I ain't telling you shit

Alright

Don't tell me shit

I love you guys

Andy's

Andy's in the pisser right now

He's taking a piss

I hate the fucking Jews

But I love you guys

Yeah man

You're alright for a Jew

Okay

No dude

I'm a fucking

Born again

Again, fucking hermaphrodite.

Alright?

I'll speak to you guys later.

You have a good night.

Fuck it all.

Bye.

Fuck it.

See?

Yeah.

A sad Dr. Legon.

I'm worried about him.

Let's go ahead and start the Dr. Legos suicide watch.

Yeah.

Starting now.

To be lifted by this time tomorrow if he actually does his show and we know he's alive.

Yeah.

If not, then we consider him dead.

And then we should also start a campaign to have Kim have sex with him.

Yeah.

Who's this now?

Oh, I know who this is.

Oh, is it the dead?

Hello, you're on the air.

Hey, what's up, man?

Hey.

Hey, what's up, the Dad?

What's up, the Dad? How you doing, man?

Hey, you're in conference, man.

What?

We're in conference.

He said he's with Cuck.

Cuck's translating.

I'm a translator.

Do we call you Cuck?

Cuck.

Cuck like, um...

It's my Ethiopian name.

Cuck.

Yeah, in Ethiopia.

Yeah, right.

yeah

topia

it's not a topia

so uh

Tuck is the guy

who's made our intros

and made our

pictures and stuff

yeah

good to have you on Tuck

I'm sorry to hear about

your modem there

getting fried

any progress

okay

that's pretty funny

it's hilarious

it's great stuff

yeah bring that up

oh he's crying

oh

I thought he was laughing

for a second there

oh okay

so no internet for you huh

there goes your love life buddy

there goes your love life

there goes your shot

of ever having a girlfriend

We got some porn stash up in here, Rome.

Yeah, I have my porn stash.

Oh, okay, there you go.

I got the old magazines.

My fallback is 1998's full year of Cherry Magazine.

Cherry Magazine is the shit, except they don't show actual insertion.

I think I have a couple of those.

Do you have an issue with Da Dead's mom and two Rottweilers?

I was on the phone with the dead before he called and he walked in on his mom and dad.

Wow, really?

Yeah.

Is that true, the dead?

Good for you, the dead.

The dead.

I wanted to meet the baby next door.

Uh-huh.

That's gross.

Okay, well you guys have fun with that and hang on to the line.

I'm gonna call Old Navy, alright?

Mom and dad are wrestling.

Okay, you ready?

Yeah.

Alright, let's just call Old Navy.

This is a Walmart here.

You wanna fuck with Walmart?

That's always fun.

Old Navy, Walmart.

Come in, you fuckin' dog.

I'm a Radio Shack.

Dad has a thing for chicks in sweaters.

Yeah, I do.

He's pretty upbeat today.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, well, let's, uh, hang on the line, you guys.

Maybe join in. We're gonna call a Radio Shack in Hawaii.

Okay, that's not LAP, but all right.

All right, all right.

Bright with surprise once they finish spittin' lies

Associates, is it boys or girls?

Lickin' just homies

Close, but really don't know me

Mom, dad, comrade, peeps, brothers, sisters, duns, dunnies

Some come around when they need some money

Others make us laugh like the Sunday funnies

Fam be around whether you pay to bum me

You can either ignore this advice or take it from me

Too nice, some people take you for a dummy

So nowadays he ain't so friendly

Believe they wouldn't even made a worthy enemy

Okay, now to Deji be quiet

Hello?

Hello? Hello? Hey, is this Radio Shack? Yes, can I help you? Yeah. How late are you guys open until tonight? 9 o'clock. Okay. I need a specific kind of television. Do you have any like flat screen kind of deals? Right now, we don't have anything in stock. Wow. Really? Nothing in stock? Well, what kind of TV were you looking for?

Well, let me ask you this question.

How sorry is it that you weren't good enough to work at Best Buy, huh?

And you're in Radio Shack instead.

What's that say about you?

I'm sorry?

What's that say about you, tough guy?

Why can't you work at Best Buy or something like that?

Why do you have to work at Radio Shack?

Can I help you there, sir?

No.

I really wouldn't want to buy anything from Radio Shack because your store sucks.

You

understand what I mean?

You understand my meaning?

My manner of saying?

Thank you very much for calling.

All right, you have a good night.

Bye.

I don't know where I was going with that.

What the hell was that?

I didn't know either one of that either.

Tell what are you doing?

I was supposed to do the Eddie voice and ask him why he sucked so bad,

But I started with my regular voice. I forgot about it halfway in like you know I started talking the regular voice

And I just didn't feel the same

Yeah, my bad

I'm not all there right now

Incredible Hulk Enterprises

Hey the dead the dead be quiet everyone be quiet so I can do this call real quick

You have one hour, two minutes.

Bang bang gifts and video.

We should get that.

Sir? Bang bangs?

Sir, I have a question.

My son over here purchased some kind of candy item there that you have?

No, we don't have it.

Oh yes, it was a candy item.

No, we don't have it.

Yes, it was.

Listen to how he's talking now.

Go ahead, Steven.

Yeah, hi.

I purchased something.

I purchased a fucking life shaper over there.

Now I can't fucking talk.

Come on, man.

What are you, sixer?

What are you talking about?

How would you sell something to a kid like this?

My 11-year-old son.

How would you dare sell something like that to him?

Listen to how he's talking now.

What?

He can barely talk.

He's foaming at the mouth.

What did you do to my son?

What did you sell him?

I have a thing you're fucking with, dude.

Steven, be quiet.

Damn it.

It's funny.

What'd they sell there?

Pooh's Grocery.

What was it?

What was the place?

It says Bang Bang Gifts and Video, I have no idea.

Try it.

I don't think so. What would they have a candy kind of thing?

He's entered the number.

Fuck shot.

Hang on.

He's entered the number. You wish to-

Call him back.

Hey Tuck, I bet you wish your computer made that noise these days, huh?

Okay.

My computer used to make that noise.

It doesn't anymore, though.

Yeah.

Problem with Tuck is he wouldn't have a problem getting broadband, but he doesn't get it out where he lives.

Fucking get satellite.

Where do you live, Tuck?

I live out in the middle of nowhere. I live, uh, actually I live out in the West Tennessee, out in the country, between, um, uh, Memphis and Nashville.

Do you hate the Jews?

I hate the Jews?

Yeah, do you?

Yeah, what, what'd that come from?

I'm just wondering.

Where'd that come from?

Because you're out in the middle, you're a country boy, right?

Oh, because I'm a country boy, so I hate niggers and Jews.

Yeah, do you?

Same thing.

Oh, I thought you were black.

I'm not black.

No.

You got guns, Tuck?

I got a couple, yeah.

What kind of gun do you got?

Uh, just like a good old American hunting shotgun.

You don't got a gun.

You're a dork.

Yeah, I do.

You're going to find that same thing when you come up here.

There goes that hillbilly coming at you.

So, what, you've been on the phone with the dead all night so you can hear the show, or what?

He has been calling me on and off all night long.

Oh, God, how torturous is that?

How dumb were you to give him your phone number?

Every time he takes a shot, he calls me back.

I took a thot!

I took a thot.

Hey!

His mom's yelling at him.

Computer, I don't know who's on the computer.

Are you on my computer?

Food is ready.

The corn is ready.

The corn!

The corn's ready!

Where did he go then?

Hey!

Get that corn!

Why you put the corn in there?

No.

Nasty language.

You hear that?

What?

So listen to Polish cursing.

I'm gonna turn it down.

Socha, socha.

Hey!

The dad!

Too much to do.

Ted Voorhees. $5 sucky sucky.

I'm telling you a little woman.

Okay.

Dead mushroom, man.

I'm watching French movies.

Well, with that in the background, let's try to do this.

Tuck, are you making any progress?

You're not the fucking speaker, man.

This is horrible.

What? What?

Why don't you just call me directly?

I'm gonna call you directly, man.

Yeah, do that, alright?

Oh my god.

Hey, Steve, I'm gonna talk to you later, man.

I'm gonna call you.

Steve.

I wouldn't call him Steve until he could speak right.

My mother is freaking...

My mother is typing me an epic...

I'll talk to you later, man.

Talk out.

My mom was...

Amex is asking if I call any numbers.

Yes, I do, damn it.

I call all...

I just call in Hawaii, man.

Hell yeah.

Find me something in Hawaii.

We don't care where your number's at.

Let's try and call...

It was a cute little message on your machine, on your phone.

It's just one, but I gotta go pick it up anyway.

I know it is.

I'll get up in a second here.

Is it time to do a break yet?

I don't know.

Probably not.

I'm going to go for a sandwich pretty soon.

Andy, I went to this awesome Mexican buffet today, man.

Where?

$6.99 for a lunch buffet, and it's got some good food.

Really good pork.

It's in Longwood.

You should meet me out there one day.

We'll do lunch.

Sure.

It's mad cheap.

I love Mexican pork.

It's good.

I'm talking to my...

It was good Mexican food for all you can eat.

No one knows pork like Mexicans.

It's good.

Good.

Tuck's talking.

I can walk around and handle business while I talk to him.

Hey, Tuck.

What's up, man?

Oh, Tuck.

Hey, hey.

Tuck.

Revolution.

Revolution what's up chooch? So um so the dead's calling you all the time man. Is that for real hang on

What do you guys usually talk about

Scary I think he forgets that that he talks to me and then he calls me again

You think it's that bad and he's a battle on right now the fuck's myself here. Dude. I don't know he's just like

Why don't you back on to the computer yet? Go get the modem

you don't live with your fucking mom a little bit harder to get on a motor when you don't live with

your fucking mom try to spend like 20 hours a day killing possums to keep them out of your

form patch not to get a situation ratified well i hope you do man i hope you do but how long ago

did they get a phone line out there where you could actually have the internet that's just the

last few months well i mean that you know you talk about when they have to climb climb up the

telephone pole to uh uh call you uh yeah you know it's a pretty nifty uh thing you know you

and you get the pulley, and you get the stepladder,

and you can hoist yourself up there like a crane elevator.

Oh, you live the path of your life, huh, Cox?

Wow.

Sounds like you're having a lot of fun, huh, Cooker?

How old are you, buddy?

He does a comic book, though.

You have a comic book?

Yeah.

Does it have superheroes in it?

I did.

Oh, I did.

I don't know.

If you go on my LiveJournal,

Tucker Mike, T-U-C-K-E-R-M-I-K-E.

Yeah, that's it.

Tuckermike.livejournal.com, you will see the Jill and Ed Rosenthal comic strip, the very first one.

Is that about the World War II spies?

Yes.

Really?

No, it's Katie Kaye's two main characters.

Oh, okay, but there's no superpowers in it.

Because I don't read comic books unless people can fly or shoot shit out of their arms.

Well, we'll do that in the next one.

All right, good.

I hate that shit.

I hate when I read...

Oh, Jill and Ed fighting the Nazis with ray beams coming out of their eyes.

How about one of them has, like, a battle hammer that shoots fire?

Sure.

Look, I'm writing your whole fucking comic book for you, Tuck.

You're not writing it on purpose.

Well, okay, email it.

I mean, okay.

Take a note right now while you're on the fucking phone.

Get your notepad out and start writing.

Are you an artist?

Are you just, like, you?

Yeah.

Okay.

Do you know Jeremy Rock?

Jeremy Rock is a good name.

Yeah, do you know that kid?

Yeah, we know him.

He drew the New Warriors for a while.

Okay.

What era are we talking about?

I don't know.

I just know he did.

He went to high school with us, and now he's a big celebrity.

You know, he don't do shit.

Rock on, rock on, rock on.

Yeah, another contact is always good for me.

I've been doing this and that for years.

I'm working on publishing my own title here soon

and I'm getting with a printer locally.

Is it called Memoirs of a Dork?

Pardon?

Memoirs of a Dork?

I can't hear a word you're saying.

Never mind.

Not bad.

All right, man.

Well, Tuck, thanks for calling in, man.

It's good talking to you.

Keep in touch, and hopefully...

All right, Tuck.

I hope, I hope the dad lets you get some sleep or something, dude.

You're a very important part of this show.

I'll be more energetic next week.

You know Andy likes to pick on people,

but it's okay because you're a very valid person.

Oh, I know, I know.

Well, I can barely hear what he's saying.

It's good, though.

That was insulting.

It was insulting you pretty bad.

It's a good thing you didn't hear it.

I called you a loser and a dork.

Yeah, oh, I know that.

Okay, good.

No, I actually...

Yeah, let me get some sleep.

Man, you should see what...

You don't have internet,

and you don't know what they're saying about you in the chat room.

No, I have no idea.

Man, they hate you, Doug.

I'm sure it's all beautiful, loving, wonderful things.

Yeah, no, it's not, actually.

It's really bad.

KDK just went in the chat room for the night.

He came in for the first time that night,

and the first thing he said was,

God, there's so much more room in here without Tuck in here.

He says, I can't believe you're talking to Tuck.

He's a retard.

Yeah.

And then it said he has three eyeballs.

The dead's in here saying that you were coming on him on the phone.

He said you kept on trying to do phone sex with him.

Yeah, exactly.

And then you told him that you shoved a strawberry up your ass.

A strawberry?

Yeah.

And then you ate it.

Exactly.

You let your strawberry chocolate covered.

Exactly.

Oh, yeah.

He said you're a possum raper.

Possum Raper?

Listen to his dad, he said he was going to find an apartment and move back in with his grandma.

What the fuck is that?

Why do you want to move back in with your grandma, man?

He says he has bad depression and she isn't making it better.

I wish I had a violin.

I'd be depressed as fuck too if I was like 23 and living with my mom.

Yeah, man. Talk, man. Come back soon. Get well soon. You know what I'm trying to say?

Get your fucking phone picked, and get your life taken care of, and we'll be eagerly awaiting your return.

And get ready for that harvest.

Oh, yeah.

Do you grow weed out there, Tuck?

No, I wish.

Yeah, you do.

Well, we can work out a deal.

I don't smoke anymore.

I'm actually thinking about narking on you.

Kentucky is a big weed city, not Tennessee.

Actually, yeah.

Well, I don't know about Tennessee, but a lot of my family's got farms in Kentucky,

It's like three rows of crop one row of special crop you know yeah, yeah

That's the only way you keep your farm otherwise otherwise they'll take your fucking farm from you

There used to be a guy up here. He was doing that and he did it for years and until

Exactly what you said like one row of corn one woe of pot one row of corn

And he did it for a couple years and then they have the helicopters out there

Yeah, and then the games for the Cycles came down and they took it from them.

You don't do that around here no more.

Yeah, man, you know, the shit is that's, like, the National Guard is all involved in that.

That's wrong.

The National Guard shouldn't be involved in that.

Yeah, the National Guard, they're implementing them.

Yeah, they do.

They implement, like, helicopter stuff in Tennessee and, I guess, Tennessee, too.

I know they do in Kentucky, and they do in the Canadian border, too.

You know what I mean?

I mean, they're targeted.

Like, they'll fly into the middle of, like, a weed crop or something like that and not take people out.

I mean they've been shootouts and stuff like that, but it's apparently like it's oh

I will hear just like I like it

Grails are shaking. What is like these that's called an earthquake National Guard helicopter

No, these National Guard helicopters flying by armory helicopters flying by doing

Reconnaissance work and like a doing out there doing war games with exercises, you know

And it's just like, out of nowhere, sometimes you'll hear these helicopters checking out people's fields and stuff.

Oh, scary.

Scary, man.

All right, then, Cog.

All right, Cog.

Yeah, don't sit on a sharp corn cob.

You only use the dull ones, buddy.

You don't want any colon damage.

No colon damage.

I was wondering, yeah, okay.

Thanks for the...

Yeah, I'm trying to say you're gay, all right?

All right.

All right, later, buddy.

He's all right.

See you, Cog, man.

Take care.

All right, y'all have a good one, for real.

All right, white bar.

All right.

You heard it here first.

Tuck is a white supremacist.

He's a white supremacist, and he's having some kind of relationship with the dead.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

And KDK doesn't like him.

That's more chicks for us.

It is, right?

That's right.

Great.

What can we do now?

How about another prank call?

We've been on the line.

We got in a hold of them.

Try the donut place again.

I never got to give out my information because, like, Lego calls in and these two called in

and that one called in.

Here we are.

So, if you want to reach us on AOL Instant Messenger, you can reach us at Madhouse Radio.

Again, the show's screen name for the night is Madhouse Radio on AOL Instant Messenger.

Now, if you're saying you don't have AOL Instant Messenger and you're asking what to do,

you just message Madhouse PCU Radio instead.

Madhouse PCU Radio if you're using Yahoo Instant Messenger.

And if you're using MSN Messenger for some reason, you can reach us at madhousepcuradio at hotmail.com.

And you can also join the chatroom by visiting kdkprankcalls.com or pcuradio.com.

Again, pcuradio.com, the homepage of Prank Call Underground Radio, hence PCU.

And also visit madhouselive.com.

Both pages have links to the chatroom.

Go in there and look around and stuff.

stuff um like i said before i've edited all the shows of 2006 and i'll be posting those on my

home page this weekend that's on that's at madhouse live.com and a few new pranks are going

to be posted there as well we had one on tonight phooey on you that's an old call um lonesome loser

is in the chat room diligently uh confirming numbers here we've only called a few of them

uh let me go over what we have we have another radio shack that we haven't called yet

We have a Walmart in Hawaii

An Old Navy as well

We have Credible Hulk Enterprises

In Minneapolis, Minnesota

I think this is Zolar

Zolar, you're on the air

It is I, Zolar

It is you, Zolar, what's up, man, how you doing?

I'm doing okay, and how are you guys?

Yeah, I think we're alright

Hello, Andy

What's up, buddy?

So have you been

Fucking, you know, recuperating

from Legos, fucking droll, you know.

I don't know what his problem is.

He's just upset at the world or something.

His woman came in and he just turned...

It sounded like she bitched him out real quick.

He turned into a different person the second Kim got home.

That's true.

You know, that's not good.

I know, you know, fucking, I think, you know, maybe...

Did she come from your house, Zolar?

What?

Did she come from your apartment?

Is that the problem?

No, no, I'm already worn out from my last visit up.

Oh, you had your visitor, your monthly?

All right.

Yeah, I know.

Look, and I had an unexpected visit by Andrea, who was coming to New York to do Sirius Satellite Radio.

Yeah, I heard that you kidnapped her off the street. I heard that on the show the other day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She had this guy who flew her in on a private plane.

Yeah.

And he got all pissed off at her and fucking flew her out of the hotel, so I went over and nabbed her up.

So you and Dan, the Sonic Parody man, rode the train on her?

Well, what happened was Dan was in Manhattan already, so I said, hey, Dan, man, she's standing outside the hotel and fucking vulnerable.

Go pick her up right now and hold her until I get there.

Okay.

And so Dan rushed over there and got there within 10 minutes, and it took me like 45 to get there.

So he passed her over to me, and I took off into the sunset.

So then what happened?

Did you peel her back?

Oh, totally, man.

All right.

Did you put your balls on her chin?

Yeah, lots of that.

Right.

So you were getting ahead when Keith called you on Tuesday night?

Is that a real fact?

No, I was in the middle of fucking, you know, getting it all together,

and then I wanted the piercings hung after that,

but, you know, it was like, you know, constant interruptions.

Not just by Keith, I didn't mind, because he had a show going on I'm willing to share and shit,

but, you know, she's got friends calling her,

and fucking people were trying to call me,

and I just couldn't get anything going, you know?

Yeah, man, that's the price of being the boss, like you are, Zola.

You're such a dynamite.

Right, right.

Zola, I don't mean to be anti,

but anti-jork in the chatroom is calling you a D-list celeb.

What do you say to that?

I'm a what?

A D-list?

Yeah, totally, man.

I'm nobody special.

He's not even a D-list.

He's like E-list.

Totally, man.

It's not, you know.

I think that's how I'm entering.

I'm just a fucking lucky listener, if anything.

Yeah.

Lately, Artie's doing an impression of you on the show.

Did you hear that?

I heard it all week.

I haven't listened to it all week.

Did you hear that, Zolar?

Yeah, smell my finger.

He wants to know.

Oh, yeah.

He goes, this is Zola.

Snort some more fingers.

Snort some coke.

Yeah, that's good stuff.

Snort some pills.

Yeah.

That's what he said.

Snort some pills.

Yeah, I laughed.

When he said that, because he referenced you, I thought about you.

Yeah.

So there you go, Zola.

You're getting in my head on like a day when I'm not even having any contact with you.

So that's definitely like almost D-list celebrity.

Secret admirer.

Well, no, what they're trying to do by making like an impression of me, it's like, you know,

you have to have an impression of a whack packer.

Normally, being a Whack Packer, you have to have certain criteria.

So they're trying to stick me in that list when they know I don't want to be referred to as a Whack Packer.

Oh, okay.

Why don't you want to be a Whack Packer?

Who cares about that?

Do I look retarded to you?

Yeah, kind of.

You got, like, weird 70s hair, and you look like an angry elf.

Yeah, I kind of am.

I kind of am a little funny looking.

But anyway, I'm not retarded.

Zora, when you go get a haircut, what do you tell them to do?

When I go to get my haircut, I say, give me the He-Man look-alike haircut.

Yeah, good call.

It does look like E-Man.

He's got, like, the nice, you ever see, you've seen a picture of Zola before, right, Carlito?

Yeah, there's a picture of him.

Yeah, he sits in a barber's chair.

He's got, like, a weird, like, like a part.

It looks like he's from, like, the 1970s.

Like, it looks like he's hanging out with, he's got, like, Fonzie hair.

He does have Fonzie hair.

Yeah, I sit in the barber's chair, and I go, fucking, uh, for, uh, now, see, I wanted

to say it six different times, I tried to say it, and then, fucking, I get the chance,

and I forgot what I was going to say.

Oh, by the power of Grayskull!

Yeah.

There you go.

He's like, oh, Cringer Battlecat and all that shit.

Cringer Battlecat.

That's the only people I remember.

And there's that faggot wizard.

Yeah, that stupid wizard with the O on him.

What's his name?

Something with an O.

Olar.

Ozark.

Zocar.

I don't know.

Oh, yeah, Docar or something.

Go-cart.

Ocar?

I don't know.

So, is Andrea still at your apartment, or did you get her safely back to the deep south where she's from?

Yeah, I packed her in a crate and sent her back to fucking Georgia.

Yeah, she's probably kind of annoying, actually, in person, if you're not having sex with her, right?

Dude, if I close her off, you ain't hearing any of that annoyance.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't like her hair. I think her hair looks horrible.

Like, the pictures I've seen of her, like, I don't get that whole, like, white hair.

Like, I'm not into that. What do you think about that, though, Lark?

Well, personally, I mean, you know, it's the package deal, you know?

I'm not pinpointing any particular thing.

Like, she's got, like, uh, you know when the middle toe is a lot longer than the fucking, uh...

Evolution toe? She has that?

Yeah, she has that on both toes.

Oh, that's disgusting, dude.

I didn't know that.

Now that just drops her.

She went from like a 7 1⁄2 to like a 6 1⁄2 for me.

Yeah, yeah, totally.

I mean, I could bring her down to a 4 on your level.

Yeah, you probably could tell me some more shit.

Like, truthfully, whenever I go to parties and, you know, you look around,

the girls all want to wear sandals and shit.

But if your big toe, if any toe is longer than the big toe, it's disgusting.

And you should keep some kind of fucking sock on at least.

Yeah, I would say.

Yeah, I don't get that.

Like, what's wrong with her that she has that?

Like, that toe, that long toe, that's so she can, like, grip onto trees and hang upside down like a fucking monkey, right?

Yeah, but as I said, it doesn't fucking get in my way anyway.

Yeah?

Look at Zolar, man.

He's a player.

Yeah.

He's a real...

Real in the field.

Zolar, you want to do a prank call for me, uh, for a second?

Totally fucking with Joneson for the fucking prank call McGillicuddy.

Okay, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna run...

I'm gonna throw these Lonesome Loser calls at you here.

I'm gonna throw a few at them at you.

You tell me which one you want to do.

We got Poots Tavern.

El Trojan 3, Poo Bar Record Shop, Poo's Grocery, Poo's Pit Stop, and One Stop, House of Smokes.

That's a long one right there.

Poo's Pit Stop and One Stop, House of Smokes.

El Trojan, a Latina woman answered that, the Trojan 3, Poo's Tavern.

Anyway, you want to do that Poo's Pit Stop?

It's probably going to be quick.

Sounds like a gas station.

Let's do the poo.

Poo's Grocery.

There we go, in Florida.

Maybe they're still open.

Eh, that was a while ago.

Might be getting it too close

Excuse me

We'll call the booze pit stop

Alright, Zola, hang on the line, man

Yes, sir

And we'll be right back, everybody

Number slippin', H-class diamonds, shinin'

Dinner with wifey, whinin', dyin'

Smokin' cigars and Bogota

With Colombian niggas named Panama

And Enrique and shit

Games we play, life endin'

Bitches, they get over with these

Four pair Moschino jeans

And on the camera tank top

I got your bank stock

It's on Tijimans under the rest of the city

Fromplex to mansion keys

And real estate, smoke them

What you gon' do with

Punch your attitude to your knees and show gratitude

Kiss my ring, it's a Frank White thing, I stay potent

Bitches devoted, take my dick and keep throwing

Bitch and me, father got his own

Don't get lost, what I suppose this shit cost

Money never came to me, when shit's short

I suffer unshamelessly

The Lord humble niggas, especially if they act like

They too big for the draw when they stacks right

Think I'm bullshitting a bunch of niggas back like

Right back home with stacks gone

I know a n***a sold his soul for a nook of rock

I know some hoes for a drone, you can hit the cop

I know a n***a worked the nine to five

Been on 15 years and got a car to drive

I know some n***a gonna act hard, flex rich

Fake jack boys can't rob, get yacht kinfolk

Backyard pick, ask God to lift my homeboy this year

Eternal sunshine

We got the birds flyin', this ain't no small town

Then we see I'm the one to call when things get weird

Freakins are puttin' me on the spot

It's almost as bad as Lego.

I don't know what the fuck's wrong with the phone.

Maybe your fingers are too fat.

You can't die right anymore, Tubby.

That's not what it is, man.

That might be.

That's not what it is, man.

And then he's going to make believe he's got a gig tomorrow that he can't do it.

He's going to have a gig.

He's going to be sucking up fumes in his garage.

He's going to go ahead and park his Yugo in there and start fucking run the fucking engine for a little while.

Yeah.

He's going to do that, dude.

Carbon monoxide.

I like how he talks about it like he doesn't care.

But you know that deep inside that like she's his world he's

got all of this happening for him, he's so fucking hooked up he's got to complain about some little kid using up some bandwidth.

Oh no right, he's tearing into him.

I just don't want to be angry about it, like I get that, cause like I get pissed all the time.

Like my dog barked today and I ranted at him for like two hours.

Like, you motherfucker, you scared me, and I was yelling at him.

I get upset, yeah.

You lost control.

Yeah I did.

Andy, you spank your kids if you had kids, wouldn't you?

Yeah, like you know, until they learn.

Yeah. Zola, you ever spank your kids?

Um, stank them? Nah, nah. But I did worse things.

Zora puts them in a rack and fucking stretches them out.

Zora ties them up and fires them into their feet.

I have three kids, so fucking, you know, you get a little fucking, like, desensitized to it.

So you start grabbing them by the back of their head and lifting them up off the floor and throwing them into their bedroom.

Well, they got that extra little skin at the base of their neck, and that's what that's for, to grab them by and toss them.

Yeah, that says a nape of the neck like a fucking kitten.

Yeah.

Yeah, kids got that, too.

Yeah, they're resilient, too.

You bounce them off the walls, they cry for a little while, but they're fine.

They're playing next day.

They get over it.

Yeah, they're kids.

You know, they'll have fun.

Zola, let me try to call this place one more time.

If not, then we'll...

Yeah, Zola, do you have...

And I'm just checking this call.

It might be something hot, so I'll get right back to you.

I didn't hang up.

Yeah, do you got five more minutes to wait on the phone while Carlito can't do anything, right?

No, no, we'll try for 30 seconds.

Hang on.

All right, Zola.

I'm trying to fucking put you in on it.

Oh, you are?

Oh.

I was in South Korea.

Say hello, Mary Grace, my friend Carlito.

Hey, hey, South Korea girl.

What's up?

What's up, girl?

Korea girl.

I'll call again later.

Carlito, hang that up.

No, hang up.

All right, there you go.

Hello?

Hey.

Mary Grace.

What's up, girl?

Say hello to my friend Carlito.

Okay.

Say hello.

Hello?

Hi, how you doing?

How are you doing?

Good.

How are you doing?

Are you in South Korea right now?

What's that?

Are you in South Korea right now?

Yeah.

I'm in South Korea.

Okay.

How do you know Zolar?

What's that?

How do you know Zolar?

Say it again?

How do you know Zolar?

He doesn't know Zolar.

How do you know me, baby?

Yeah.

How do you know this guy?

Oh.

How do I know him?

Yeah.

Um.

I know him before, like, in the computer.

In the computer.

Yeah.

Oh, well, I'm in the Philippines, and then I talked to him, so I know him, and then he sent me some pictures.

I always talk to him every day when I'm in the Philippines.

Hey, um, what do Kim Jong-il's balls taste like?

What's that?

What do Kim Jong-il's balls taste like?

I can't hear you. I'm sorry. Say it again.

Okay, listen, baby, baby. He said, what do Kim... Did you taste the balls of Kim Bo-jong?

Kim Jong-il.

I can't say the name.

Kim Jong-il.

Kim Jong Il.

Yeah.

Okay, baby.

Kim Jong Il.

Did you taste his balls?

No.

No?

Listen.

Do you shave the pussy?

Yeah.

I shave for you.

For Zola or you shave?

For Glenn.

Glenn.

What the fuck?

I would call myself Zola too if my name was Glenn.

What's up, baby?

Hey, baby.

I don't need to shave.

I just have sex with...

Yeah.

You don't have sex with Sailor anymore?

Yeah.

You don't have sex with Sailor anymore?

This is the check-in.

Baby, you're funny.

Ask her.

Yeah, I'm funny.

How long have you had to clap?

Hey, Korea lady, why does your country smell like fish?

She's Philippine.

Oh, Philippine.

Well, that probably smells like fish and ass.

You want me to just talk to her and let you get on with your show call?

Nah, I guess, I guess.

But she wanna talk to us.

Filipinas are like Puerto Ricans, you know, like Japan's Puerto Ricans pretty much, I'd say.

Yeah, yeah.

She agrees.

Wow.

She's very beautiful, you know.

She has a beautiful butt.

She has a beautiful butt cheeks and little, tiny dimples on her back.

When she comes to America so the madhouse can peel it back.

Yeah, she's coming in one month.

Tell us when you come to USA, baby.

Yeah, I'll be there after my contract.

My contract is finished.

It's coming July 18, so I'll come to see him.

Where's she going?

Baby, sing me a song.

Sing me a beautiful song.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry.

Oh, sweetheart.

Hurry up, hurry up, because this guy is on the radio.

He's famous.

You're on radio, right?

You can go to Hollywood, be a big star.

We'll get you a green card.

Hey, sweetheart.

Go to Hollywood, be a big star.

I'm really shy.

Come on, sing something for me.

You love me?

Sing something.

Don't be rude, woman.

Just do it.

Hold it, okay?

Quick, quick, quick.

Chop, chop.

Okay.

Hold it.

Stop, stop.

That's how you talk to your women, Zola.

That's right, baby.

Just shut up, baby, and do it.

Woman.

They have to be called woman.

They like that.

You can call her woman.

Go ahead.

She's got a friend if you want.

Oh, good.

Yeah.

Hey, I got a lot of friends in here if you want to.

Yeah, I do.

If you want to.

Hey, I need your number if you want her to call you so you can talk.

Right.

Do you have a number for her, Carlito?

Yeah, we can do that.

Yeah, we can.

I have a confession.

Okay, I need your number.

You want to talk to my...

Right now, so I can...

Hey, Colin, what's your name again?

You're Leto?

I'm Leto.

No, car, C-A-R, like automobile, car, Leto.

Car Leto.

And Andy.

I need your number.

I get a role with her, so, like, she is really nice.

She is really beautiful.

She gives good suck, she gives good yum-yum?

Yum-yum, what the fuck, baby, ah?

Zola, ask her, she'll lick my asshole.

Good job, good job.

Baby.

Yes.

Hey, what is your number?

You want to give her a number, Carlito?

Yeah, I could do that.

Go ahead.

Hey, woman, do you want to call a convicted sex offender in Connecticut?

He drives a tow truck.

Listen, you could do that, and I'll let you go.

I'll talk to her on the other line.

All right, then.

Bye-bye now.

All right.

Hey, listen, you're a funny girl.

You have a good sense of humor.

Funny.

All right, thank you, sweetheart.

You're so sexy.

I need, I need to learn to say I'm sorry to your friend and family, Garcia, you know?

Uh, I need you to come to the USA.

Yes, I, I mean, I really can't see you, you know? I still love you, love you so much.

Yeah, I'm sorry I say, I say terrible things, making a joke.

Yeah, I know, I know, sweetheart. It's okay, I understand.

Yeah, guys, boys, boys, they play, they play.

You make me happy so much right now.

I can't wait for you. You're too long to come to me.

Hey, sweetheart, what happened to your email address? You get new email address?

Yes, yes. Ready?

You get new email address? It's a decursor, dude. It's not no more?

No, no. You want a new one?

I want a new one. I need to send you some of my picture, please.

Yes, yes.

Yes.

Ready?

Hold on. Okay, I'm ready.

Z, as in zebra.

Okay.

O as in...

Z-O-L-A-R

As in A-ball?

As in rabbit.

Four, the number four.

Two, and...

Yeah, we're here.

Didn't he work your magic, man?

Yeah, man, it was great.

So Zolar, are you gonna hook me up with one of her friends?

This guy's a chow molester.

Hey, chow molester.

I came by your house, and I wanted you to suck my

I'm a ten-year-old dick, and you weren't home.

Can I come by tomorrow?

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

All right, Zohar.

Well, thank you, and thank you for letting me.

We actually played up until you started giving out your e-mail address,

and then we left.

That's okay.

I don't mind.

Yeah, it was funny.

It was cool.

I heard you're working your magic.

You did the nice thing where you're like, oh.

You talked to her in simple English.

Zohar all of a sudden started speaking pidgin English.

One address now?

Now, have pen, write down.

That was great, Zola.

Zola, I want you to hook me up with one of her friends.

Have one of her Filipino girls come over here and let me peel it back.

Zola, hang up.

I think he did.

I think he hung up in anger.

Damn you, you fucking angry elf.

Yeah, well, that's too bad.

Tell her with a private conversation.

What is with that?

What is that?

That's you.

Oh, that's you.

No, it's your fucking equipment that sucks.

Yeah, it does.

You need a new one.

We got wires being exposed here.

Yeah, gotta get you a new headset, Andy.

This shit's fucking up too much.

Oh, shit.

I really fucked it up.

I doubt people can even hear me anymore.

Yeah, I had dead air there for a while, too, huh?

Yeah.

I didn't even realize that.

It was dead air for a good two, three minutes.

I'm kind of buzzed right now.

Sorry about that, folks.

How many listeners?

You know, I have the same amount of listeners from...

Three Miller Lights will do that to you.

Yes.

38 listeners right now.

And we thank all of you.

What?

This guy again.

You're on the air.

What's up?

How you doing?

Yeah.

Fuck you, bitch, motherfucker.

Just like that.

What's going on, man?

It's the monotone guy.

Yeah, clone.

What's up, clone?

How you doing, man?

I couldn't stand the dead and touch.

Any chance you're going to hook us up with some Oriental pussy?

No.

What about?

Yeah, see?

Call any fucking massage parlor.

Massage parlor.

That would make me very happy there.

Yeah.

Not the same.

it's not the same yeah um so what's up man how's your week been how's everything going

sounds as usual yeah looking for yeah oh you're not working right now that's too bad

how long has it been since you work okay what were you doing before yeah what kind of profession do

you do yeah that makes sense nice yeah i see i see that hey um you want your car detailed man

sweet detail your car for you we got this guy's phone number andy really yeah post post it in the

it i don't know how to do it oh that's right i could do it here hang on we're gonna call this

actually kdk has already posted him kdk has sent me some numbers to uh this uh a few uh sex

offenders in his town see but he got convicted in 1991 if he hasn't done anything bad since then

i mean how fucked up is it that you still have this information out there he's been rehabilitated

he's six two three ten i mean he's bigger and fatter than me i like that uh 1974 and he got

No, no, no, that's his date of birth.

Yeah.

They convicted in 1991, so he probably did something in 1989 when he was, like, fucking 15, 16 years old.

He was 15, 16, exactly.

That's kind of bullshit, in my opinion.

Yeah, man, he was 15, 16, damn, he weighed 310 pounds in his 15, 16 years.

No, I mean, no, no, that's updated from this date.

Oh, April 1st.

Probably this one, 98, when they put him at 6'2", 310.

Yeah.

I mean, he looks like a scumbag, but I don't know if he's done anything bad since then.

Yeah, the system has rehabilitated him, you know?

He was towing a chick who didn't have the money, so he raped her.

He claims he traded the tow for sex.

I bet you he probably did.

He was 15, though.

That's what you do.

I don't know how he was a tow truck driver.

That's how you get on the...

Yeah.

Hey, he's a superstar now.

Her bruises were pre...

Yeah, don't have sex.

This is for everybody out there.

If a girl you just meet has bruises all over herself, fuck her.

That might not be good.

Katie K thinks he's a total creep, but he doesn't know.

Talk to him.

I mean, if he hasn't done anything bad in fucking 15 years, I don't think he's a creep.

You want to talk to him, man?

Yeah, but didn't we already call him?

Come call him, man.

Oh, yeah, call him, then.

We'll call him right now.

We'll ask him what kind of crimes he's committed lately.

Yeah, okay, we'll do that.

Hey, do you want to stand in line for that clone,

or do you want to hang out and chill out in the back?

All right, good deal.

Hang on, man.

He's not going to interrupt in that monotone voice.

Sloth in a big black spook, you know.

Get a welfare check, and I'm broke.

You're hating me on South, you know.

Two listeners already played that.

Two black listeners have stopped listening.

Greg, I hate you.

Fuck you, dog.

Leave your message after the tone.

Hello?

Sir?

Can you please answer the phone?

Let us talk to you, please.

We got some cookies and they taste really good.

Hello?

Clone, why don't you say something to the sex offender?

Molest me.

I already have sex offender.

It'll just be a waste of time.

All right, buddy.

Well, I guess he's not answering.

He said he answered, though.

That's unfortunate.

Oh, well.

All right, man.

Well, we're going to take a break here, actually.

It's getting close to midnight.

That's normally my break time.

We're going to make a sandwich real quick.

You know what I'm saying?

All right.

Hey, thanks for calling.

you um do you do a bong hit you should do a bong hit every week man let's do it have a good week

man when i used to smoke like i have a i had a i still have a huge bar i have a way crazier sounds

than that i've made some funny faces yeah because i would you know the whole the whole point of

smoking pot is to get high so you take the biggest thing you possibly can you hold it in

you have to hold it in for at least a good eight seconds hold it in till there's no fucking

I can smoke less.

Yeah.

Until it dissipates.

Let your lungs fall out, Andy.

That was a good hit, though, clone.

I agree.

Very well done, Mark.

Put a Mac on checks when you're talking like this.

He's married.

He's not making on checks, man.

She's smoking all his day, though.

She probably is.

That's right.

Probably be better off single again.

Hell no, man.

You know how much a divorce costs?

Oh, damn it.

I'm sure Andy's been divorced twice.

Four or five times.

Yeah, man.

They garnish his wages.

They almost don't exist after child support.

Andy, this guy.

Johnny Appleseed over here.

That's why they call them Apple Seed and Chat Room.

I dropped my seed all over the country.

All over the place.

Actually, it's all over the immediate area because I didn't have a car until lately.

And we made a few trips.

We've done two miles of my home.

Yeah, and half his income in 1999 was from a sperm bank.

Sure.

That's what it is.

We're going to take a break, everybody.

And we're going to come back and do some more prank calls.

We're going to do Skype-only calls here.

Make them a lot faster.

We had phone problems earlier, but if you do want to join us, please join the chat room.

visit PCURadio.com

PCURadio.com

and also be sure to visit

MadHouseLive.com

and if you're using Yahoo Instant Messenger

you can reach us at

MadHouseRadio and for the time being

we're going to take a break

in a few minutes I'm going to post in the chat room

pictures of sex offenders who I was

good friends with back when I was a kid

ok and we'll come back and we'll explain that

everybody's going to have fun with that

it's almost the unofficial

start to the weekend Friday

Friday. Three-day weekend this

week, Andy? I'm sure you're excited about it. Doesn't matter to me, I haven't

worked in like three months.

Hi-oh!

Uh, 72-day weekend

for me, Corley. That's what Andy says.

Yeah. Anyway, we'll be right

back after this, everybody. Don't go anywhere.

Give us about five minutes.

I can't remember the last name.

Ish is on here.

Stay tuned for more Madhouse right after this.

Tell me 40,000 people

are coming here. Not here.

In the name of the Founding Fathers,

I call upon the forces of the Constitution to grant me the executive superpowers.

It's the Onion Radio News. This is Doyle Redland reporting.

President Bush amazed his critics and supporters alike today when he invoked his presidential superpowers,

granted by a little-known constitutional article endowing him with inhuman strength, invulnerability, and supersonic flight.

At this hour, the Supreme Court is reviewing the constitutional limits of the president's invincible powers,

especially his ability to produce superheated plasma from his hands.

Fox News commentator Sean Hannity.

No, sir, no, sir, listen, sir, sir, the framers knew that one day the world would need a president

with the power to destroy an entire building.

President Bush is the first chief executive to invoke superpowers

since Theodore Roosevelt used them to defeat a race of mutant hog men in 1908.

Doyle Redlin for The Onion Radio News.

Calls (38, 1 h 22 min of 3 h 37 min)

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