2006-06-01 Show

Alright, I just like the skin.

You guys, do you have any of that skin just laying around?

Just the skin.

Skin and the fat.

Skins, that's all I want is the skins.

I can't...

Uh-huh.

I just want that.

I don't want any meat.

I just want the fat and the skin and the gristle.

A mac and cheese.

Yeah, and can you put in between two biscuits for me?

You just want skin?

Just the skins of the chicken, yeah.

The skins and the fat.

And, uh, and put it in between some of those biscuits.

And we'll be good to go.

You have any cheese?

Oh my god, give me a second.

Hurry up.

Is she nice?

Yes she is.

What's going on?

Hi.

He knows how to eat.

I like my man.

He just eats chicken skins.

I just like the skin too.

Hello.

Yes.

Look, I want to come in for some food, but all I want is the skins.

Just the chicken skins.

Just the chicken skins?

Just the chicken skins and some biscuits.

I'm not sure you're willing to pay for the chicken skins.

Well, what can we talk here?

Well, it depends what pieces of the chicken you want.

The really fat, the fatty pieces.

The fat?

Yeah, the ass of the chicken.

How many pieces of fat would you like sir?

As much as you can spare.

Huh?

As much as you can spare.

And are you tossing up?

That's not fair, I can't spare shit.

Well, no, I know, but what you got available?

And don't talk shit.

Don't say the shit word, please.

Why not? You're saying it too.

I didn't say shit.

When did I say shit?

He tricked you.

Yeah, you tricked him.

Now you're just talking shit, bitch.

Look, look, I'm hungry, man.

I just need to talk food.

That's it.

That's all I'm thinking about.

All right, all right, let's talk food business.

Let's talk food business.

All right.

I got about 20 pieces of fat.

20 pieces of chicken fat?

How much are you willing to pay per piece?

I don't know.

No, I'll give you $6 for the whole thing.

Damn, man.

Well, $8.

You want that shit fried or?

No, I don't know.

Just naked.

Whatever, man.

I don't know what you're talking about naked.

It's a trick.

He's trying to trick you again.

Hey, do you know how much food you can buy in Mexico at $8?

Suck it.

Suck a dick.

Suck a dick, though.

Suck a dick.

today is thursday god too god which one

when he decides to announce it the law sees bad they'll knock him off we'll have the republic back

my friend this could be the best thing that ever happened

Those who believe life here began out there or across the universe, tribes of humans may have been the forefathers of the Egyptians, Baltics, or the Mayans, that they may have been the architects of the great pyramids or the lost civilizations of Lemuria or Atlantis.

some believe that there may yet be brothers of man who even now fight to survive somewhere

beyond the heavens there will be no order only chaos that being said grab a blunt take a big

hit sit back and enjoy the ride following is an exclusive of pcu radio and madhouse live.com

In-flight controllers, listen up.

Give me a go, no, go for launch.

Booster.

Retro.

Go.

Vital.

Go fly.

Guidance.

Guidance, go.

Surgeon.

Go flight.

Go.

We're go fly.

GNC.

We're go.

Tell me.

Go.

Control.

Go fly.

Procedures.

Go.

Inco.

Go.

FAO.

We are go.

Network.

Go.

Recovery.

Go.

Capcom.

We're go fly.

Launch control, this is Houston.

We are go for launch.

I know drug real from real real.

Chris, I take this today.

First of all, um...

How much time I can call you?

Why don't you shut the hell...

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you!

Fuck you, fucking bitch!

Maybe he's only a little crazy,

like painters or composers

or some of those men in Washington.

You son of a bitch, speak English, American.

You son of a bitch, you motherfucking...

I know you speak English, I see.

You motherfucking...

I go ahead, man. Motherfucker, you. You, bitch. Don't never, don't never call a gang to be boring, man.

Mow my lawn. Mow my lawn. You motherfucker. Why you so angry? Where's my squad at? Fuck you, man.

We're so high right now. We're not low.

Every day, it's a bizarre circuit, and I'm your boy, Young Miles of Future, cracking for y'all.

Hello, everybody. I can't hear my left microphone. The cops are here.

Good evening, everybody. Do you hear anything out of your left ear?

There we go.

Oh, loud.

Not loud.

There we go.

Let's turn his mic down here.

God damn it.

Nothing ever works the first time around here in this show.

But we're here, everybody.

Good evening.

It's the Madhouse.

It's June the 1st.

It's 10, 10 p.m., and we're starting.

Thank you for listening, and we're going to do our thing tonight.

Here with me, I have Andy.

What's up, Andy?

How you doing?

Good to have you on for one last time until you head out of town for a while.

You excited about that?

Yeah.

I'm getting more nervous.

I get excited.

You're a little reserved tonight.

Yeah.

That's okay.

Nothing wrong with that.

What do you know about trucker school?

Is it hard?

Have you heard?

Have you asked anybody?

I know the majority of them are scams.

And you pretty much, it's like a big bribe to get your license.

A bribe?

Yeah, you got to pay a big bribe and they give you a license.

And then you usually have to work for a real shitty company the first three years.

And then hopefully you get hired on the ones that actually pay for a paywall.

It sucks, man.

Aren't there trucker schools closer to here?

Isn't there one in Orlando or something?

Those ones are really bad.

The ones that aren't connected with the companies for the most part,

you've got to pay like the one in Orlando is $6,000.

The one I'm going to is $3,000.

And then you don't have a guaranteed job when you finish that one.

God damn, really?

$6,000 to get?

All right.

And then there's some all over the country that are more or something like $10,000

or something like that.

So do they make any guarantees where you're going to this school now?

Are they guaranteeing to place you or something like that?

It's run by an actual company.

company so they say when you when you you know pass and everything you know we're gonna give you

a job yeah what are the big trucker trucker are there any big trucker truck companies out there

anymore it's just yeah there's a lot of big ones is mayflower one of them or is that moving that's

a moving thing all right they probably have you know drivers i'm not sure okay i don't know how

that works but you know i figure i'll probably do that over the road stuff for like you know

five ten years and then you know do local shit after that okay but you know you made more money

even do long distance stuff you know my dream job i've thought about this would be delivering um

water to companies you know what i mean that the the five gallon jugs of water to

to businesses all day that seems easy it'd be great if we could see you like a little short

brown shorts and everything yeah i have to wear brown shorts for that yeah you do i do it in my

hawaiian shirt that i feel great hawaiian short a hawaiian shirt and and bahama shorts and uh

just deliver um but water that seems like an easy job and nobody fucks with you like you're the

the water guy.

No one gives you shit.

Everybody loves the water guy.

Nobody gives him shit.

He comes in.

And then, you know,

heaven forbid,

you know,

there's a nuclear attack,

you have a truck full of water.

Yeah.

Or a hurricane

or something like that.

You have a steady supply of water.

You can sell it.

You can run into shit.

You can sell it.

You can make a lot of money.

You can keep it for yourself

and let everybody else

dehydrate themselves.

Yeah, man.

You know what I saw today

at Target?

A portable air conditioner

for $300.

I'm sure you'll have one soon.

I need to get one

for the hurricane.

I'll lay it on my back.

I hate to just leave it

Man, I would love to get a portable, you know, I'd be set for the hurricanes with a generator,

a portable air conditioner, and that's pretty much it.

I think that's all I need to be happy.

And a lot of weed.

I need a lot of gas.

Yeah, that's true.

You have to carry it, but you have to have a big supply of gas on hand.

But I can't even use a generator where I live now.

It's a condom, a second floor.

Am I going to run a generator outside the door?

Yeah, there's no place to put it.

You put it outside the door, someone will steal it.

Yeah, I could put it on the porch.

You hear fucking cops driving by here all day.

Yeah, I know.

It would be gone.

Remember when we had those hurricanes that one year,

and there were people stealing things left and right?

Yeah.

Like crazy.

After Hurricane Charlie, as soon as it passed over,

because that one was real strong and it was running real quick.

So as soon as it passed over, all the rednecks in my neighborhood,

they broke out their four-wheelers, and they were organizing into patrols.

They were like, we've got to have patrols to make sure no one loops.

There's the black neighborhoods two miles from here.

and then they're you know maybe like you know this is like you know midnight you know maybe

one in the morning i think and then you hear chainsaws going on go now we got a chance to

use our chainsaw they're driving up and they had four wheels driving up down the street with like

chainsaw big trees tied to the back and with logs and they're waving the chainsaws and their

rifles over their head it's crazy and they're all drunk as hell it was a lot of fun that night

yeah it was a crazy night man that was that came out of nowhere to the hurricane was

I said it right for Tampa and just took a turn.

Yeah, it came fast, too.

It wasn't that bad.

It wasn't that bad at all.

That one, there was one after.

The other two after that, maybe, you know, I never lost power on those ones,

but I had to sit in the house for, like, two and a half days straight.

Dude, man, that one that took, like, three days to come through.

Yeah, that one was the worst.

Literally, I'm not kidding.

It took three days to fucking come through.

That was the last one, right?

Or the second one.

That was Francis.

So, CD, we got.

That was the second one.

We got CF and GHI.

Yeah.

Ivan, right?

Yeah.

In the second one, I was hanging out with Eli and Gary, and we ran out of weed on Sunday.

It started Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and then Monday was when they were like,

all right, you can go out again.

So Eli went for a weed run, and he drove his car into a pond.

He did?

Yeah.

In that big van he had?

No, no, no.

It was after he had the van.

He had a Saturn or something like that.

and he drove it into the uh he drove it into the pond and then we were being gary pissed because

he didn't come back with a weed oh man and so i got smart in the last one i just stayed by myself

so that way i knew i was like well i got enough weed to get through like you know three days

because i had like a quarter of like really good crips so it's just me and my dog chilling

yeah yeah for the last hurricane my hurricane plan was uh i bought weed matter of fact and

and I figured that's all I needed.

For Francis, I bought beer.

Remember that.

And that wasn't good.

That wasn't a good idea.

No, because if you got beer and there's nothing to do,

you'll just keep drinking until it's gone,

and the next day you feel like shit,

and, you know, there's a hurricane still.

Yeah, you got to hang over and warm beer.

But weed, you still have a conscious thought in your head

that I need to preserve a little bit

and, you know, make sure I get through this trying times.

Right, exactly.

Yeah, I said on the third hurricane,

after I was over, I walked, like, two miles to work,

and my boss was there and he was wasted

because he was locked up in the restaurant

with all the liquor and shit for the whole weekend.

Oh, he was just sipping on the liquor all weekend.

He had power.

Well, I had power too,

but most of the town didn't have power,

but he had power and he was watching the race.

He was watching the race and he was wasted

and I showed up and he was so happy to see me.

He was like, yeah, go back there and go to work.

We need to work.

Yeah, he put me to work,

but he paid me really well for it.

He gave me cash that day

and he gave me a bunch of steaks.

Nice.

Yeah, I took those home with me.

I know you guys made a lot of business those few days

because people just wanted to get out of their houses.

Yeah, and we had ice.

Oh, yeah.

And then we had, because after Charlie, he was like,

we're going to go and stockpile ice and we'll give it away.

It'll be good.

Because he got it.

And he didn't.

We would sit and we'd have the dishwashers.

If they weren't doing it, they'd go to the ice machine,

put ice in bags, and we filled up our freezer with ice in bags.

When I got fired, there were still tons of it in the freezer.

from the hurricane it's like a year before yeah he would do it every you know and then we had that

back there and then people would come and we'd give him ice and then the every time the newspaper

would come take pictures of like you know big fat bill standing out in front of his restaurant

giving people ice oh man you know he loved it he's like okay what can i do now what can i do

for the community i'm a good guy rest in peace bill yeah good restaurant was a great guy was a

good restaurant i don't know i haven't been there since he died yeah i haven't been there i was

there a month after he died and i got fired yeah that bitch yeah that bitch my fucking coke addict

I think it took over.

God, that's crazy, man.

Sorry to hear that, Andy.

It's all right.

I'm fine with it.

Hurricanes.

First day of the hurricane season is today, Andy.

You're going to be in Illinois.

So what the fuck?

Who cares?

I'll be fine up there, I guess.

Yeah, deal with the snow and tornadoes over there.

Yeah, but now the hurricane season, that's overblown.

It is.

I think so.

The one that hit, I mean, like, you know, New Orleans got devastated because it was

a real shitty town.

Because it's New Orleans.

It's under the water.

Yeah, it was disgusting, and it's built in a stupid place.

Population control, everybody.

Yeah I mean

Florida we got hit

By Charlie

And I think Charlie

Was stronger

You know it was

Smaller but it was

Stronger

He just came through

Faster but he was

Still stronger

Yeah I mean

He knocked over

Trees and shit

But not that many

People got killed

Charlie fucked

Everything up

Yeah trees got

Knocked down everywhere

Landscape still

Fucked up around here

You look at it

You just see trees

I can't notice anymore

We didn't get

We didn't get any

Hurricanes there

Last season

We got one that

Came close right

He didn't really do shit

What they're calling

Already

Oh god

It's these guys

Didn't they just

Talk to you for like

10 minutes or something?

Oh, the gay party line?

The gay party line, everybody.

Gay party line, you're on the air.

Hey, baby, my name is Tina Salata,

and I have to say I love you,

and I want you to stay.

Okay, so the dad, what do you,

do you drive a car?

Yeah.

Yeah, we found out today

when I was talking to the dad earlier

that he has a car.

Dude, fucking Michael put me

to start my car, so fuck it, you know.

How long do you get a hybrid today?

What?

To get a hybrid.

A hybrid.

You know what a hybrid is?

Yeah.

No, I didn't get no fucking hybrid.

I got a fucking 97 Mitsubishi.

Mitsubishi?

Mitsubishi.

Yeah.

Well, Mitsubishi what?

A Golan?

Or you gotta ask...

Golan, yeah.

There you go.

You gotta get that thing running on corn oil, man.

Oh, yeah, right.

You can't...

You can't fucking modify that shit.

That's gasoline.

Gasoline.

Yeah, that's the only thing. If you go and you pour corn oil in your car, it'll run fine.

You should do that.

Yeah, right. The bullshit. Fuck you and fuck your ass.

Well, thank you, dude.

And fuck Andy.

Hey, you know who's son with me?

Who else is on the...

But he says all of that with love.

Mike from Tennessee.

Mike from Indiana.

Love.

Ben, I don't know Mike. I know Tuck. What's up, Tuck? How you doing, man?

Hey, man. What's going on?

Not much. What's...

What's up, Carlito?

Hey, who else is on here now?

This is Jonathan.

Oh, Jonathan.

They call Gay orgy and we're inviting you.

It's the three...

It's the brain trust of PC everybody.

It's the three biggest losers we all know.

Yeah, they're holding a conference right now, deciding our fate.

I think we should call in the next Wednesday.

Yeah, I'm leaving next Wednesday.

On a jet plane.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to Chicago. The dad's going to pick me up at the airport on his power truck.

Oh, God, hell no.

I'm going to ride on the back.

He says he's not picking you up, so you're going to have to work that out.

I think I just have to stop three times and plug it in.

Hopefully they'll let me plug in my power chair at the airport.

I will never make it back.

I'll go fuck yourself, you motherfucking...

So are you going to Chicago to work, or are you just like...

I'm going...

They're sending me there for training.

And then, uh...

Oh.

Yeah.

To do what, exactly?

I'm going to drive trucks.

Drive a truck, okay.

It's an actual career.

I'm not, like, super optimistic about it.

I figure I could make money at it, but...

Or Kiki when you get to Memphis.

No.

Kiki.

Who's that?

Who's Kiki?

Kiki.

K-I-K-I.

Kiki.

That's a black girl's name.

Yeah, I think so.

Some black prostitute who gives babies away.

Is that your release?

Is that the slave you released last week?

I think he's by him right now.

Is that who raised you when you were orphaned?

Down around here.

Well, all right.

So, the dead, what's the...

Oh, the dead.

Tuck, rather.

What's the status on your modem?

I heard you talking about it yesterday.

You're working on that?

Any new developments?

What's up?

Oh, God, dude.

Basically, the model that I need for it to work for this computer

is, like, out of stock for three weeks.

Whoa. For three weeks?

Yeah.

You need to call and raise hell.

How come your computer only works with one modem?

He's got a Mac.

He's got a Mac. He fell into that trap.

Yeah.

Well, he does art, and people who do art...

I whined about it last night, and I'm not gonna whine about it tonight.

But, um, yeah, things aren't looking around in the near future.

So if you had a modem, you wouldn't be on the gay phone line with the dead, would you?

Right, yeah.

At least talk about it.

It's your fall back.

So what do you guys talk about most of the time?

Yeah, what do you guys talk?

You said earlier you've been talking to them for the last two hours, right?

We've been comparing penis sizes all that long.

Yeah.

Mine's the big one, right?

And we're curious about your sizes.

Carlito is the biggest.

They call Carlito a thundercock.

That's right.

Thundercock.

Carlito gets a Puerto Rican cock, so you know.

So most of the Puerto Ricans you've been with today have big cocks or small cocks?

Did that speak from experience?

I mostly like Mexicans.

Mexicans?

Mexicans.

The Mexicans are going to pimp my power chat.

He's not going to believe me, man.

How do you not know I've already done that?

I'm very submissive.

Andy rules.

Who's got us on in the background?

Turn it down.

Is that you?

The dad?

Probably Jonathan, right?

No, that's Jonathan.

See, I knew it was him.

Yeah, Jonathan's scary.

Let's get Jonathan, and I was wondering where the stream was coming from, because we've kind of been hearing you very faint in the background since you came on.

Yeah, I heard that, too.

Hey, hold up. I'm going to hang up with him.

Okay. Bye, Jonathan.

He's creepier than that.

Poor Jonathan.

He's a nice guy. He's the oldest listener.

I'm going to invite the Lord Spoon with the...

Lord Spoon.

You're going to spoon him?

You're going to spoon with the Lord Spoon.

Well, did that tell him?

Let me ask you a question real quick. Why did you decide to go with the Mac? Because you're an artist, and I'm assuming Macs are good for people who do art.

I started with Macs, you know, since junior high. I'm, like, in my 30s now, and that was, like, the thing that was going on. And, yeah, I, when I studied graphic design, that's what I started with was, like, a power, and then, so I was, because I've never really, you know, back in the day, they were all clunky and shit, you know, and it was more like, you know, do that.

You know, I thought it was pretty cool, and it did me well for a while.

It's pretty cool.

So all the cool Dungeon Masters in high school had one, huh?

You guys said all the cool Dungeon Masters in high school had a Mac.

Dude, I'm a little bit...

Computers still weren't really that big of a deal when I was still in high school.

Maybe you said it was cool.

Yeah, I graduated at the end of the 80s.

Oh, so you're up there, too.

You're one of our senior members.

Is you Jonathan?

As far as I know, Jonathan is the oldest that I know of, right?

He's like 40.

Milkman's pretty old, ain't he?

I think it's Jonathan, then Milkman, and then, I don't know.

Right, fuck.

Well, I think KDK is 36, I think you said, or something like that.

He's an old queen.

Yeah, he's an old queen.

Yeah.

He's rocking the cradle, man.

He's like a couple years younger than me, or something KDK is.

All right, that's good.

Something like that.

What's today's problem?

Today you're not getting enough attention?

Go ahead, say something funny today.

It's okay, you can do it.

Today, what'd you drink at tonight?

Early times.

Has your mom yelled at you lately?

Yeah, your mom was on a roll last week.

Yeah, my mother yelled at me lately.

Is she upset about something lately?

Is she not getting it at home or something for the old guy?

You're not peeling her back anymore today?

I think she's...

Every now and then you hear his mom scream something at him.

I think she's having a mid-life crisis.

I think he's having a retarded son in one leave.

I'll go fuck your ship, Andy, you mother...

Aw, the dad.

We love talking to the dad.

You know, he says all that we'll love.

The dad, you know, he says all that we'll love.

Because he loves you very, very, very much.

Hey, Andy.

What?

Go suck Mike from Indiana's asshole, okay?

Okay.

What?

Is that what the fans...

In Mike Minion, they go, what?

Hey, Mike from Indiana, are you there?

Yeah, I'm still here, man.

How long have you been talking to Des tonight?

Hold up.

Who?

Who, you.

Yeah, you.

Mike from Indiana.

Mike from Indiana and the gay party line.

Yeah, gay party line a lot.

Dude, this is the worst gay party line ever, man.

I know, you're wasting your money on this one, Mike from Indiana.

I was over to call some young twigs, and he said he got a drooling retard and a stupid

ill-billy.

A 30-year-old ill-billy.

Hey, what's up?

You're getting ripped off, man.

Hey, you got a bacon?

I was gonna tell you about that, you got a bacon, that's just, no.

I didn't like that.

Did not like that.

Hey, Dede, what's your favorite thing on a Wendy's menu?

Classic double single.

Okay.

The classic double single?

Yeah.

The double single?

Oh, fuck.

Classic double.

I'm drunk, man.

The classic double single.

Dude, I'm drunk.

Leave the fuck alone, man.

The Dead's Drunk, big surprise.

Andy, what do you like?

That chicken shit, right?

The spicy chicken family.

Spicy chicken family.

Excellent.

Jonathan picked something, so he coming back in.

Oh, we don't want to hear from him anyway.

We got to hang up.

Yeah, we got to go and shit.

Yeah, we just put the main call.

You guys can go and do a good show for us.

Talk soon.

You're going to go and have gay sex again, are you?

Yes, we're going to steal your bed, yeah.

You're going to steal your bed.

We're copying you.

I know you're upset about it, the Dead, but...

You're going to steal Jonathan's.

All right, guys. Tuck, get well soon again, as I said last week.

Feel free to call here any time.

What happened? You called, like, around 8 o'clock or something, and I couldn't even understand you guys.

I hung up on y'all.

They were just being stupid.

Well, I'm still going to cigar at the same time.

What are they being stupid?

stupid. I don't know. Everything that every breath of death takes is retarded. Oh, man.

You really. He's drunk half the time. You know what? Andy, go fuck yourself. I love getting

to death at this point. Andy wants to go fucking rape me up the head. I'm going to knock your

power chair over and I'm going to let you crawl for a little bit. You think you're going

gonna get away

and then I'm gonna

get you

oh hey Carlito

somewhere on the

forums KDK posted

a Jill and Ann

Rosenthal comic strip

oh the one you drew

yeah

y'all go look for it

y'all go look at it

okay

yeah

and all that good

stuff and

so hopefully we'll

be doing more of

that shit like

really soon

yeah tell you what

I'll look for that

now if I can find

it I'll post the

links there where

they can see it

or if anyone needs

to go to the forums

check that out

yeah check them

out at

And a MySpace Tucker mic, too, for everybody out there.

Yes, yes.

Yeah, this sucks.

You can't even do your podcast anymore, man.

You don't have any Internet at all.

You're a big time.

Yeah, I worked on one since I've been out.

I just did like a summer mix mash, mashup kind of thing.

Well, you're working on the Revolution show and stuff, and that's gone.

It's on the wayside.

We'll get back to it.

Get back to the interviews and the OTR and all that.

All right, man.

Let me know if I can help.

Want to get back online?

Well, we hope to hear from you soon.

Let me know if I can help out.

We hope to see you back soon, man.

Okay, man.

I'll give you a call if worse comes to wear.

No problem.

We'll talk to you then.

Bye, D-Dad.

Take care, D-Dad.

You know what?

I want to say one thing.

I want to see a porno between Andy, Clone Home, Grown, and Saigon.

Wow.

That would have been fucking hot.

Yeah, Saigon's a fucking pussy.

That would have been fucking hot as shit, dude.

I really think Saigon's like a 50-year-old Vietnamese guy

who just sits there and just makes fun of everybody.

He's just angry.

He may be 14.

You know, a little kid, like, talking shit,

and won't like it.

Why do you guys think I'm going to get pissed off?

You can't talk to him, too, and fill up on it.

You can't.

You're a fucking pussy until then.

Yeah, well, you shouldn't get pissed off

when someone posts in the chat room.

Yeah, people love to hear Saigon.

People love to hear Saigon.

He's actually one of my favorite listeners.

He is.

He's one of my favorite,

and he pisses me off sometimes.

Yeah.

The dead's favorite thing of Wendy's

is the double penetration.

Actually, that's the best one.

Yeah, it's double penetration because the stupid faggot can't talk, man.

That's what he did.

I put this into my top.

You can't fucking talk because you got a cock down your throat.

You got your hair in it.

Dude, Eddie, you always sound like you have a cock down your throat, buddy.

I go fuck you.

I'm gonna hook a dildo under my power chair and drive it up my ass.

You know you want my cock.

It's coming out.

Dude, what happened with that chick at some hospital that you were in to?

Some Mexican girl or something.

Have you ever hit that, or...?

I'm sure she's buried somewhere, boys.

She's just six foot eight.

I thought you went to Asian Girl.

That's right.

I thought you went to Asian Girl.

I cut her up in little pieces and stuffed her down the drain.

I got a yellow fever.

Yellow fever.

Fucking, um...

I got the brown fever.

I didn't fucking hit it up with her or nothing.

You should've.

Bryce got her, she got her.

Yeah.

The, uh...

One look at you and went right down the corridor and got her shrunk.

You didn't even say nothing or anything.

Yeah.

I thought, what the...

Alright guys, take care.

I don't know if Jonathan's still on there.

Jonathan, White Power.

I don't know if he's there.

Who else is there?

Mike from Indiana.

Mike from Indiana, our favorite new caller.

Yep.

White Power.

Well, have a good night.

Welcome, Mike from Indiana.

All right.

Well, tell a friend.

White Power.

Yeah, the dead new buddy.

Love for me.

Love.

Mike from Indiana wanted to come over here and rape me.

Good.

He's one state over.

I want to hang out, Carly.

I want to just hang out.

Well, I mean, did that keep on talking gay?

Hey, we might as well leave him on his own.

Yeah, he's incriminating himself.

Get ready, you got a man!

Dede, you really want some gay sex, huh?

No, I know what I mean.

I think you do, buddy.

Yeah.

Hey Dede, weren't you going to see Dr. Lego? What happened with that? He turned you down or something?

I raped him.

You know what? My mother's gonna fucking...

do a fucking pixie mask.

You mother-missing dad. Be a man, man.

Aren't you in your 20s, dude? Your mom can't stop you from going to see Dr. Lego.

Get in your car!

I know, but I live under a roof now.

So, just tell her you're going out to get some groceries and come back three days later.

It's a big deal.

Thirty-five bucks.

Great.

I'm going to tell her I'm going out and getting laid, dude.

And just instead of going to the rest stop, you just keep going all the way to New York.

You just pass your little gay rest stop and then head on to New York and go hang out with Dr. Leggo.

You're going to get a freaking plane ticket, dude.

You buy your own plane ticket.

I already had to buy a freaking plane ticket this week.

It's a hundred bucks.

You find me a plane ticket or buy me a plane ticket?

You buy me a plane ticket.

Lego has that money.

He'll fly you up.

Donate.

Donate to me.

Donate to my car.

What do you do for us?

Yeah.

You made that money order out to KDK and you ripped it up or something.

No, I sent it to him.

KDK got it.

What, you sent him five bucks or something?

Got the weed with it.

Ten dollars.

Dime bag.

There you go.

All right, guys.

Have a good night.

Thanks for calling in.

See ya.

Whatever.

I was a gay party line to dad.

Don't tank up on me.

Tucker Mike and

Jonathan and

Mike from Indiana.

No name for just Mike from Indiana.

A lot of gay references from the dad.

He's gotten drunk.

I don't think I've ever

heard from him when he's not drunk.

Is that just his drunk voice and maybe he talks

normal when he's not wasted?

I don't know.

It's an enigma.

It is an enigma.

You need to really check out the dead when you go up there.

Are you afraid of it?

No, I'm not going to do that.

You're scared?

I don't want to do that shit, man.

Anyone who mentions man rape every other sentence, I just stay away from.

Yeah.

I want to go to prison and get raped.

Yeah, that's what he wants.

He just wants to get arrested just for the sex life.

Okay.

Let us continue.

What else can we talk about?

I don't know.

I guess make a call.

Yeah, make a call.

Lonesome Loser, yes.

He sent in the...

Damn, he's been working up numbers in the chat room.

That information out real quick.

If you're listening to us for the first time,

if you don't know how this works,

you can reach us at Madhouse Radio.

If you're on AOL Instant Messenger,

again, AOL Instant Messenger users, Madhouse Radio.

My levels are peaking like a bitch.

If you're on Yahoo Instant Messenger, Madhouse PCU Radio.

Again, that's Madhouse PCU Radio.

radio and if you happen to be uh on msn messenger madhouse pcu radio at hotmail.com maybe you can

pull yourself away from the gay phone line go ahead and call it yeah exactly you can call us

here toll free at 1-888-278-8509 again the toll free line which is not open let me open that up

now i turned it off to keep people like those guys to call apparently that it has my personal

home number. I don't know how he got it.

I gave it to him. Yeah, you probably did, you bastard.

1-888-278-8509

That's the toll-free line. It's free to anybody

in the United States of America.

So call us in, why don't you, and let yourself

be heard. Join us in the chat room.

We have a bunch of people in there right now

talking away. You can reach

us at

well, no, you want to visit

our home pages. First of all,

madhouselive.com is the home page

for the show you're listening to now madhouse radio madhouse live.com you can uh find the link

to the chat room there if you also want to visit the home page for prank call underground radio

which is the network we're broadcasting on uh pcuradio.com again that's pcuradio.com pcu meaning

prank call underground right and toll free line i can't see all the way over there man

There we go.

Change settings.

Okay, toll-free line is now open, so call in.

Lonesome Loser in the chat room has submitted tons of numbers here for us.

We've got Dames Sneak Freak, Dirt Freak USA, Boogies.

We also have Nasty D's Bar and Grill, Nasty Girls, Nasty Jack's Tattoo.

We've got a few Best Buys.

We've got a few Costco's.

We've got a few Blimpies.

We've got KFC here, Long John Silver's, Jack in the Box.

Andy, you ever been to a Jack in the Box, man?

We don't get those out here.

Those are all West Coast.

Where are these at?

California and Washington, yeah.

There's a lot more fast food varieties throughout West, you seem to be.

Yeah.

Because I imagine they still got, like, Wendy's and Burger King.

McDonald's, Burger King.

All that shit's out there, too.

But then they got, like, Jack in the Box.

Fat Burger.

Yeah, Whataburger and all sorts of good stuff.

We got Whataburger here.

Do we?

We got one right down the street.

Well, not down the street.

Cologne?

Yeah, down on University.

They don't have, like, Crystals and White Castle out there, though, I don't think.

I don't know about Crystals.

I don't know if they got White Castle.

You're right.

either

it's the same

fucking thing

I don't think

they got that

out on the

west coast

I think

White House

is a

northeast

thing

but they're

the same

company

it's the

same

shit

it's the

most

disgusting

shit

ever

the only

reason

you need

to go to

Crystal

anything

called a

slider

you shouldn't

eat

unless you're

really drunk

that's the

only time

I've ever

been in

the mood

nothing

else is

really

open

if you're

that part

of town

might as

well

steak and

shake

still open

steak and

shake

I don't

know

steak and

shake, man. It takes so long to make your food.

That's true. At least that way you know that

they're actually cooking it right then, you know?

Yeah. Fucking White Castle,

it's just already cooked. The Steaky Shake fries suck

though, man. That's true. They're garbage.

They're all crust. There's no energy.

You know the crappy fries you get

at a regular restaurant? The small

ones that come out all burnt? Yep.

That's all you get. What do they call them?

Shoestring fries or something like that? Yeah. That's crap.

Yeah, that's garbage. That's crap. I don't even want those.

At least, you know, if you go to fucking Wendy's

you can get a potato if you don't want fries.

something like that you know or chili i like their chili our chili is good people tell you you

shouldn't eat that everyone who ever worked at wendy's like man don't eat that chili yeah it's

the burgers they don't get sold they cut it up and put it in the chili like i heard they're like

all spitting it and everything it's good chili though on a cold day though i do love that chili

yeah man yeah man i saw a recipe for that chili once online had a recipe for their chili there's

a website out there it gives you recipes for like restaurant stuff like how to make a mcdonald's

uh big mac special sauce yeah it's not the same as the recipe with all the preservatives and

chemicals at it doesn't taste it's not it's not as good it doesn't taste as good at least i never

eat mcdonald's i hate that i love the taste of preservatives man it tastes good okay so there

it is um let's call a fucking dunkin donuts guy let's call the dunkin donuts guy people

i'm sure he's not gonna answer anymore we've burned that one out well we didn't talk to him

we haven't talked to him in two weeks technically yeah i mean it's not like he's gonna like take the

phone off a hug one week and the next week put it back on yeah i was actually trying to find that

Didn't we call him, like, three weeks in a row before that?

Someone should try to call him.

Have someone on another show call him on a day that's not Thursday.

So, at least that way, it shakes him up a bit.

And he can't just leave the phone off every Thursday.

That's right.

Because, you know, he'll go, well, they might call me any time of week.

Yeah.

If the fucking phone line even works.

Because last week, I don't think we even did one prank call last week.

I think all we did was talk to people.

I must have done a prank call.

I don't know.

Honestly, before the show tonight, I was trying to look through the last week's episode.

I didn't find one call.

anyway let me look here let me look here um what's that guy's name wasn't loser okay i gotta

look in the log here see if i can find that number um that's not gonna be it yeah we did 30 minutes

of depressing chat with lego yeah 30 minutes of depressing chat with uh zolar you know how funny

that was i listened to that on saturday zolar talking to that korean girl in english man

that was great good times man glenn love you yes glenn is friend glenn is friend you have

pen right down right right glenn address down yeah send glenn dirty panties yeah nice okay

dunkin donuts in oak park michigan that's the one okay we'll just play this okay let's try to call

the uh fuck you bitch motherfucker guy aka the dunkin donuts in michigan we'll be right back

buddy how you doing tonight how about you not bad i missed you last week you missed me yeah i did

what happened why are you so upset at me man you can't talk to me anymore after all we've been

been through. What's up? You know, me and you, we go way back. I wonder if I can go in for my

paycheck. Paycheck? Yeah, you guys owe me about 30 bucks for that one, you know, we've worked a few

days over there and stuff. I never got that paycheck, you know what I mean? No, I don't

remember. Why are you breathing into the phone like that, too? What's that all about? You got

one second, please. Okay, hurry up. Yeah, I just got a phone call from this number here. Some

Indian-sounding guy was pretty rude to me. Excuse me? There's an Indian-sounding guy who

answered at this number earlier was pretty rude to me. The Indian guy? Yeah, Indian guy. What

What happened?

Indian-Arab guy, it's all the same.

You know what I mean?

What did he do?

He yelled at me.

He said a few bad words.

When did that happen?

Oh, two weeks ago.

I don't know.

I can't tell you who did that.

Well, I really don't appreciate it.

Huh?

Who's the owner of this business, this franchise?

Who owns it?

Can't hear you.

The owner?

Yes, the owner.

The guy I can talk to about complaints.

Well, you could call up later and ask for Ted.

Ted?

Yep.

Is that an American?

Yeah.

What are you?

Same thing.

You're an American, too?

Yeah.

What's the name of the first president in America?

George Washington.

Who are you to ask me all these questions?

What do you want right now?

How old do you have to be to vote?

18.

Hello?

Oh, you know this now, huh?

I always know this.

You didn't know it last week?

I went down there.

You didn't know it last week?

Do you know how many people worked over here?

About two people.

Who said so?

There's over 10 people worked over here.

No, they're all Arabs.

It was all the same.

I counted them.

You're not even full citizens over here.

Okay, what's the form right now?

What do you want?

Well, you got about two Americas that work there probably, right?

Huh?

I said, you got about two Americans that work there, right?

Can't hear you. All of us are.

No, no, just two.

Okay, now, what's the point?

Just Ted and Ted's wife.

Okay, what's the point?

Well, you guys have a lot of attitude.

I go in there and I get my coffee every morning.

You guys treat me like shit, and I don't appreciate it.

I want to call and give you some shit about it.

You got a problem with that?

You gonna give me shit, too?

Well, if you got any problem, you need to call up early in the morning and ask for Ted

and tell him what happened with you.

I'm busy at that time.

That's what you should do.

You should not tell me what's gonna happen right now.

I'm busy drinking coffee at that time.

Well, then it's too bad for you.

Well, it's too bad for you.

You guys are going to go out of business.

Okay.

I'm opening a Starbucks.

Thank you for your business, then.

I'm opening a Starbucks right next to you guys.

Okay, good for you.

Are you scared?

Maybe you will take some customers.

Maybe you have to go back to Pakistan.

Hang up the phone, you moron.

I just don't have an Emmy today to be a big man.

Because the angry guy was on first, and he gave the phone to the nice guy.

Yeah, I can't talk bad to the nice guy.

We got to get that guy pissed off, but maybe they told him to calm down about it.

Yeah, probably.

You should have played.

You should have been like, you left this message on my machine.

I should have complained

This guy called it

Who was this guy

We'll call him later

We'll get him

Or someone else can call him too

Anybody else who wants to call

And talk to that guy

He left this message on my machine

Fuck you bitch

Motherfucker

That one right there

That's what he said to me

Three weeks ago

He left

Oh say he left it

On your 13 year old daughter's

Cell phone

Yeah

She's real upset about it

Yeah

Like she's really scared

Yeah

He said he had a

He said he had a box cutter

Yeah

That's not funny Andy

That's what he said he had.

Box cutter and a fake bomb.

Yeah, man.

So what do you think happened at Flight 93?

You don't think that was real?

What do you mean?

I don't think that was real.

United 93.

I'd say, hey, let's go see United 93.

Look, I don't want to see that fake.

I don't want to see that.

I mean, it's probably gay.

Any movie you put out about something like that, it's not going to be totally factual.

I don't think.

I mean, yeah, I agree that you can't make a cell phone call from an airplane like that.

Yeah.

It doesn't work.

I like how they had one of the cell phone guys.

The guy goes, hi, mom.

This is his name.

I don't remember his name, but I'd say his name was Jack Thompson.

He goes, hi, Mom, this is Jack Thompson.

Why would he say that?

Why would he say his first and last name?

Because I think they had clips of him from talking to other people, and they added it together.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Bastards.

I'm not smart enough to do stuff like that.

Yep.

Anyway.

All I know is I just trust everything.

Oh, yeah.

You got to these days, man.

You can't trust anything.

Jack in the Box in Palo Alto, California.

Oh, an Asian girl answered.

We should just ask her if she wants to date the dead.

The dead.

That's right.

We should hook them up.

That's right.

Don't actually get the dead on the phone.

He's terrible.

Yeah, he's going to ruin it.

That's a crucial data.

A 25-year-old alcoholic lives with his mom who has a terrible speech impediment and drives a power chair.

It's a power chair?

What kind of brand?

Is it a Hover Round?

Yeah.

All right, Hover Round.

I got the new Hover Round.

You see the new Hover Round?

It's the coolest, man.

I pent my ride.

All right.

I got the bumper sticker that says Boriqua.

Boriqua.

That's what you get the dead.

What would be a Polish thing?

I don't know.

Nothing.

It says truto.

He's Polish, man.

Alright, hang on, everybody.

We're gonna call Jack in the Box.

This is for the hell of it.

Now I'm on another mission

Shoot up in the stars

Yo, in the back of the limo

This is the real

Break your niggas down

Like you've been

Down in 40 minutes

To the next episode

Jack in the Box, you happy?

How you doing?

Fine, thank you

Good, Jack in the Box on Camino Real, right?

Yes, it is

Okay, let me ask you a question

Would you be interested in dating my friend?

Um, hold on, okay?

Okay

She's gonna find out

She's gonna ask her dad for permission

He's in a power chair

Hey!

Hey, my friend, he's in a power chair

and his name is Steven and he'd like to date you.

My friend, he's in a power chair

and he would like to date you.

We're trying to set you guys up.

That's 2 o'clock in the morning.

It's not 2 o'clock in the morning.

It's like 7.53 in the night.

Why are you lying to me?

Hey.

Yes.

Oh, she's saying she gets off at 2.

Oh, you get off at 2 o'clock in the morning, you said?

Hello, lady.

Hey, talk to me.

Okay, you get off at 2 o'clock in the morning?

What do you need, sir?

Well, I want to know if you'll go on a date with my friend Steven.

No.

What do you mean no?

You got a man?

Costco.

7-Eleven. An Indian guy answered at 10.31 p.m.

Hesperia. That's something.

A dirty blonde?

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Let's call the dirty blonde.

Hello, can I help you?

Hey, is this the dirty blonde?

Yes, it is.

Okay, can I speak to the dirtiest bitch you have there?

What do you think you're going to do with that?

I don't know where I was going with that. That was stupid.

The weirdest guy I have on here.

I know.

Dammit, man.

I suck.

I suck at this now, man. I should just end this.

I should never do a show again. I should just stop doing shows, I think.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

All right, hang on. I'll do that.

Freak USA.

I didn't dial that number.

That's not even close to what I dialed, man.

I was nowhere near dialing that number.

Whatever.

I mean, you're dialing one. Your fingers are too fat.

I guess so.

I was nowhere near that.

Who did you call?

Who did you try to call?

I was trying to call Nasty Girls.

No, I was trying to call Dirt Freak USA.

That's nowhere near it.

Did I read another number?

281?

No.

Whatever, man.

Okay.

Well, this is going nowhere fast, Andy.

As normal.

Okay, who else do we have here?

Yeah, if you want to call in, the toll-free line is 1-888-278-8509.

And again, toll-free 1-888-278-8509.

and Silver wants to give us

a key to a prank

which is to keep us

close to the level

of hang up as possible

while not getting them

to hang up

Silver has

you should listen to him

Silver should do a show

well

you can't do it

apparently

I'm sure you probably

I've been doing this

for long enough man

kiss my ass

asshole

you're getting old

yeah

like your prime pranking years

are like you know

probably

14 to 20 maybe

yeah

I'm going on 27

over the hill

I am

I had a short

I had a good

one year in me

I mean, not even.

When did we start this show, Andy?

I don't know.

You weren't here for the start.

No.

End of July.

Last week of July.

So, damn.

I'm like, what's up?

Almost a one year.

You gonna have a special anniversary show?

I don't know.

If I make it that long, I don't know.

Ten months I've been going on this now.

Over ten months.

Wow, I can't believe it's been that long, huh?

Calls Dollar Tree is Eddie and just ask for prices.

Okay.

How much for a sticker dollar?

That's crazy.

Yo, that's fucked up.

Oh, you stay in business, yo.

Yo, that's crazy.

Is that fenced?

Good idea, Andy.

What kind of cars you got there?

Yo, you got an Audi?

You got Audi?

Yo, I need a new dishwasher.

What you got?

A new dishwasher.

There you go.

That's awesome.

Just do it by yourself.

Good idea.

I don't know what I'm going to do without you, Andy.

Part of it is right here.

You got to prepare.

Make bad prank calls all night.

You should start doing some more during the day and playing, like, tapes of them.

I should just do that.

Make daytime prank calls and...

Yeah.

Well, I mean, that's, you know, if you have one of those, like, you know...

I lost my job.

Yeah, you didn't even do that when you weren't even working.

I know, I was like, yeah, if we didn't do it, you'd be like, yeah, okay, I'm gonna come over, you tell me all the time.

I never said that.

Yeah, well, we used to say, yeah, you know, we should, whatever.

You said that.

I said that.

Did I?

I never go through with anything I say I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna suck living out on the West Coast.

I figure they get pranked all the way when they run out.

Yeah, and everybody watches Saturday Night Live before.

Yep.

You get the American Idol results before you're ready for them.

Yep.

Thank you for calling Dollar Tree.

Zach speaking.

How may I help you?

Yo, what's up?

Dollar Tree, right?

Yeah.

Yo, you got any deodorant down there?

Yeah.

Yo, how much is your deodorant?

It's a dollar.

Yo, one dollar?

Fucking retarded.

Yo, your mama, bitch.

Yo, how come it cost me...

Your mama, bitch?

It cost me more than a dollar, yo.

Shut up.

You can't be charging me tax, motherfucker.

No, no, no, you're a fucking retard.

Shut up.

I'm gonna make you eat my deodorant, yo.

You didn't charge me no dollar.

All right, I'll charge you three dollars for it.

Yo, fuck you, man.

All right, whatever.

Yo, how much is your toilet paper?

Why don't you go check the sign out front?

front. Everything's a dollar, fool. Everything's not a dollar. You charged me tax, bitch. Yeah,

we can't forget about tax then. Yo, then it's not a dollar, stupid. Well, why don't you

go to Mexico and you won't have to pay tax? I ain't from Mexico, stupid.

I'm gonna call that motherfucker back.

When he comes back.

Call him back in your normal voice.

Alright.

And then ask him more questions.

Yes, hold on, hold on.

How much for your deodorant?

You know, tell him you want that white chalky shit that black people wear.

The what?

You know, black people use that white deodorant that clogs up.

Black people use that.

Black people have special deodorants?

I think so.

I think they're with Saigon.

You have 26 minutes.

He always calls me a Mexican.

Hey man, what's up? Hey, how much is your deodorant?

A dollar.

A dollar?

Yeah.

How can you guys stay in business? That's crazy, yo. You guys have phone cards?

I'm too dirty, man.

Iconic. That's what we have, Iconic.

Yeah, that's right. That's what Eddie would ask.

Yo, I want some Iconic.

Yo, I want some Iconic, yo.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

We should call Eddie, man. The impetus of this whole voice. Is that the right word?

Please enter the number you wish to call. You have 23 minutes.

We're calling nasty girls in Las Vegas.

I'll tell you what's going to happen beforehand.

They're going to ask you for my phone number and hang up.

Watch.

Jim?

Yo, Karen, what's up?

This is Jim.

Can I help you?

This is Jim?

Yeah.

Yo, you sound like you don't got no penis, man.

When'd you get that sex change?

Why don't you get a life?

Why don't you kiss my ass?

Besides acting, yeah, you ugly bastard.

Everything's a dollar, bitch.

If I had to kiss your ass, you wouldn't be fucking calling here.

You're a bitch.

How you know I'm ugly, stupid?

What a bitch.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Damn it.

Wow, I feel bad now.

You called me ugly.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

She knows I was ugly, Andy.

Andy, you told her?

You told her, right?

Bastard.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Nasty Jack's tattoo.

Hang on.

Fine, I took too long to do that.

I'm going to try to call Eddie, seriously.

The real Eddie.

Wow, really?

That's my cell phone.

Yeah, I think I got his phone number.

Are you going to prank call him?

Or are you going to just let him hear it?

I'm just going to call him and see what he's going to put on me.

It is Carlos.

Yeah, it's Carlito.

You want to know Carlito who?

he doesn't even really

sound like that

yeah no

it's just funny

he does kinda sound dumb

it's like

yeah

he's a mumbling fool

remember when he was

gonna go into the army

wasn't he gonna go

into the army

yeah then he gained

like 80 pounds in a week

by eating

all you can eat

pizza buffet food

that was crazy

he's like

I guess I can't

go in the army now

hang on let me get

this shit real quick

Andy entertain the people

real quick

say something

everybody

we're gonna call

Eddie

he's kinda scary

you don't have his

number dude

Aw, damn, I don't anymore.

How did you reset it?

Look it up.

I mean, you know where he lives, his mom and shit.

I don't know.

We can call Pat and ask him for Eddie's number.

Everybody hates Pat, though.

Nobody knows Pat.

Well, they know, yeah, he was here that one night.

They didn't talk.

Yeah.

Want to call Pat?

Why don't you call Pat?

I'm...

I won't call Pat.

Let me call Pat real quick.

You only got 23 minutes left.

So what?

Your phone card runs out.

I got other phone cards.

Oh, wow.

Watch.

Right here.

See that?

That's a phone card, I think.

No, that's an old one.

I had another phone card I had bought here somewhere, but now I can just recharge it.

Stupid cat.

You better watch it.

What's the cat doing?

Rubbing off my foot.

Aw.

Well, that's good.

He's been acting weird lately, so that's a good sign.

There's another phone card here somewhere.

Sure.

Alright, we'll call Pat locally here.

Pat has Eddie's number?

Do they stay in touch?

I'm sure they do.

Wow.

Yo.

Hey, yo.

Yo, hook me up.

This is Patrick.

I'm busy right now.

Patrick.

You know, I think I'm the only guy who calls him Pat.

I don't even know.

I think everybody calls him Patrick.

I think Patrick's kinda gay.

I'd call him Pat.

Yeah, it is.

If not, I guess we can't do this.

It's all for nothing.

Shit.

Wouldn't Eddie be at work right now anyway?

I don't know.

You should have him listen to this show.

That's one more listener.

You know, I've never told Eddie about this show.

He doesn't know how to do it.

Mr. Henry, our office is now closed for the day.

Make sure you're back.

He's your best friend.

Who that?

Eddie.

Eddie?

He used to be.

He used to get along.

No, I don't have Eddie's number anymore.

Well, that sucks.

Well, I guess we can't do that.

Look it up on the internet.

It's his cell phone.

I don't remember his home phone number anymore.

Anyway.

Anyway, Silver in the chat room.

Silver in the chat room.

Prank call expert.

Yeah, the prank call expert says he works at a Home Depot store with the phone systems.

You can call an outside call, but tell the people you're in another department.

Neither help someone.

You can transfer yourself to all the departments and get everyone to go to one aisle for no reason.

You're not a spelling expert because you misspelled aisle.

You did.

Yeah, it's A-I-S-L-E, fool.

Like saying, hey, this is plumbing.

Can you come to aisle 14?

Help me out with a customer.

Blah, blah, blah.

blah they won't know you're an outside call they'll think you're calling in on an in-store

mobile phone they have in-store mobile phones there wow those people at home depot are rich

man yeah but that's that's something because like we can't see everybody you know meeting up in the

aisle it's all yeah how would you know i mean i got this girl to put the phone in her pussy and

have her scream i got this girl really wow i got this girl to put the phone in her pussy and have

her scream i just keep calling it the best idea well yeah you did but i need a phone number to

call. You could have the phone center pay someone in the aisle. Okay. Um, let's continue

here. Okay, Costco. Best Buy. Press 3, then 2. A guy named Matt in the media department

answered at 10 p.m. Alright, we'll call Best Buy there. It's going to take a while because

we have to get transferred through, but we'll do it.

Store hours, press 2. For a departmental listing, press 3.

Computer hardware, for computer monitors, etc., press 1. For bills to order computers,

Computers, press 2.

Return to our main menu.

Please wait.

Supposed to recite the alphabet.

What the hell are these people talking about in the chatroom, Andy?

Aren't you in charge of this chatroom?

Thank you for calling.

Can I walk past by?

How may I direct your call?

Yeah, I need to get a computer built.

A computer?

Yes.

Okay, hold on just one second.

Snap it.

Bro, you're going to have to...

Geek Squad Agent Talmadge.

Geek Squad.

Yo, hello?

Hey, what can I do for you?

Yeah, you guys build those computers, right?

We can put computers together, yes.

How do you hook that up, man?

Can you cut me a deal?

Um, are you trying to set up a computer system, or build one?

Yeah, yeah, I want a Batcave.

Okay, um, all you have to do is actually call, um, 1-888-BEST-BUY, and they can...

Man, what are you talking about, man? Give you some side work, man. Just do that for me, man.

I can't do that stuff here in the store.

Man, don't play.

You have to be in the store for us to look, uh, look it up.

I'll pay you three, four times what you make, man.

You have to come into the store, sir.

Yo, doesn't it suck you gotta wear a tie at Best Buy every day?

Yep.

Why you do that shit?

Yo, why don't you get a job somewhere else?

Why don't you wear a tie?

Be a Geek Squad.

You know what a geek is, man?

Do you have any computer questions, sir?

Yeah, you know what a geek is?

Me have to do.

What's it do?

What's a geek do?

That's what my job is.

You bite the heads off of chickens at the carnival?

You sick, yo.

You going to hell.

That's what a geek does, man.

True.

Geek Squad.

You ever see the Geek Squad of Best Buy, man?

They literally wear ties.

No, I didn't know that.

I don't understand.

They must be paying them well because they fucking...

I can't afford to wear clothes that have ties.

I have one tie.

That's it.

It's not even a real tie.

That's a cool tie.

Yeah, it's a great tie.

It's got a zipper on it.

It's permanently knotted.

Yeah.

Perfect knot.

Yeah, and then you zip it up to make it tighter.

That's awesome.

How'd you get that anyway?

My stepmom bought it for me.

That's cool.

Yeah, for my stepsister's wedding.

She bought me a tie.

Yeah, that's awesome.

And then I wore it at Bill's funeral, too.

You wore that tie at Bill's funeral?

Yeah.

That tie's been everywhere with you.

That's the only tie I got.

Oh, well.

I got a ton of ties.

I don't use it in my job now.

I don't use ties and stuff.

God, I hate working, man.

I don't want to work anymore.

Did you have the one with the hot sauce on it?

No.

I can see you wearing that.

I've seen that before.

I think I've seen that.

Yeah.

Let's let everybody know how spicy you are.

I think I saw that at Ross.

You got one with the Puerto Rican flag on it?

I got one that I spilled hot sauce on.

Yeah, I've seen you eat.

You don't have one that's like a Puerto Rican flag?

No, I don't have that shit, man.

I don't have a Puerto Rican flag.

seen you wear those i have never seen no puerto ricans are wearing no no puerto rican put the

flag everywhere there's no puerto rican there's no like bandanas with the flag they put the flag

on the back of their cars no puerto rican who would wear a puerto rican flag on clothing would

actually be in a position to buy a tie with it on what if they go to court for uh selling drugs

i'm gonna yo come with my puerto rican tie yo the judge knows i'm mad patriotic i'm so professional

professional kid. Yo, check it out, officer. Man. They say ossifer, not officer. Ossifer. Ossifer. Ossifer. Ossifer. Yeah, you know what I hate? People say axe instead of ask. In my last job, there were Puerto Ricans there, and they used to say that all the time. Axe. Axe me. There was a manager, she was like, if you have any questions, axe me. I was like, shut up, you stupid, dumb bitch. Making more money than I am. She's one of the people who laid me off. I was like, shut up. Yeah. Anyway, she called Canada,

at canadia she said it's a long story it's a long story but i'm so unhappy anyway you know what i

mean i'm never going to be happy and you're you got the dream job you're going to be trucking yeah

you tell you what it's gonna be so stressful well just because you're driving yeah you're on

you know you're away from your house for three three weeks straight you have nothing tying you

down you don't have a woman that's true because i mean i guess if i can get i'll get i'll get a

laptop and then a cell phone i can get on the internet that's true and i'll write my movie

you're gonna write your movie on there it's good we're gonna get a wi-fi thing and you can just

stop at the hotel is that going to be no i'm not paying for hotels expensive you can't you

gotta sleep in the cab right so what you're gonna do fuck yeah i'm gonna sleep in a cab

how expensive is i mean how uncomfortable is that you think sleeping it's like a little single bed

in there that's not that bad yeah it's not bad yeah but the food's gotta be bad you can't cook

for yourself i mean i'm gonna get a uh a cooler and just you know like a little cooler and you

You got to put ice in it every day, and I'm just going to bring lunch meat with me, probably.

Could you get, like, a portable microwave or something?

Yeah, they got microwaves, they got TVs, they got all sorts of shit.

I don't think I want a TV.

Nah, because, yeah.

Who wants to watch Basic?

Yeah, that's, that's, that's got a point.

I got a widescreen TV in my car, in my truck.

Okay, who else can we call here?

Anyway, the toll-free line, again, if you want to call in, is 1-888-278-8509.

And I failed to mention that I told you earlier about this KDK called George Takei.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was very good.

He stated he was with the Queer Eye from the Straight Guy.

He did his gay voice, and he actually fell for it, I believe.

He's got George Takei thinking that he's going to be on the show.

What, KDK does a gay voice?

He's gay himself or his partner or whatever.

He does a gay voice?

Yeah, he just effeminates his voice a little bit.

He was saying, like, you know, the guy couldn't figure out that, you know,

If he puts on the voice, he was saying to himself that all gay people sound the same

when they put that stupid fake family voice.

You can't tell apart.

He thought it was Carson Daly or whatever the fuck the guy's name is.

Carson Palmer.

Presley, Peser, I don't know, whatever.

So that was that.

That was last night.

Home Depot in Aberdeen, Washington.

Aberdeen, isn't that a city in Scotland?

Yep.

That's what I thought.

That's where the city is.

Remember Aberdeen rules?

Aberdeen.

That's Willie.

Yeah.

His team.

And then I remember when Homer goes, I'm from North Scotland Town or something like that.

Is it North Scotland Town?

Yeah, he's like, yeah, I'm Scottish too.

Where are you from?

North Scotland Town.

Yeah, so am I.

What's your name?

Willie.

There's no Willie in North Scotland Town.

That's great.

That's funny.

You excited about World Cup soccer, man?

Yeah.

Next month.

I got my Pele jersey.

Yeah, you going to Germany?

I got my Pele Pele jumpsuit and my Pele jersey.

Pele Pele and Pele.

Nah, I hate soccer.

I think it's dumb.

Yeah, I don't get it.

That's just like a sport that in-shape guys like to play to show how in-shape they are.

Like running a marathon or something like that.

It's a lot of running.

It doesn't really take much skill.

You just got to be able to run fast and for a long time.

Can't use your hands either.

Yeah, this is stupid.

If I play a sport, I want to use my hands.

Yeah, like basketball.

Yeah, I want to push someone.

Baseball, that's a lazy sport.

That's all standing around, Andy.

I like that, though.

That's what you like to watch the most, right?

What do you put ahead?

Football.

Okay, football.

Yeah, you watch football after that.

No, I'd rather play basketball, I'd rather watch football, I'd rather watch, and then

I like watching baseball more than I watch basketball.

I don't get watching the baseball thing, it's just so slow.

But, like, I tape the games and I fast forward through a lot of it.

Okay, there you go.

In between the pitches, if you just, you know, you hit the fast forward button, you know,

you save yourself 20 seconds, about 20 seconds in between pitches.

There you go.

You miss a lot of shit, but, you know, I'm a Cubs fan, so.

Yeah, you get the beat.

Whenever they start, like, really fucking up and the other team just going all sorts

of runs, I just fast forward until the inning's over.

Oh, there you go.

Yeah, well, like, boxing with the DVR, I just go right through the, um, whatever it's called,

those stupid human injuries.

This guy came from, as always, this guy came from Africa when he was 11 to escape, you

know, something, or the guy came from, yeah, South America.

South America, Mexico, or the ghetto.

When Julio Ramirez was 12, he worked in a diamond mine deep in the jungle of South America,

and he got whipped every day, but then he learned how to box.

And they're like, when Umba Uga Duga was 15, he was a slave.

And, you know, he had to fight bears in a pit.

And then he escapes over here and they fight.

Nice fighting.

And they're never that good.

The people who escape from another country who come here usually aren't that great.

Nope, nope, nope, nope.

They're mountaineers usually.

Who's the top boxer right now in boxing anyway?

Who is it?

I don't know.

There's no undisputed champion now, right?

I mean, heavyweight.

Well, heavyweight there isn't.

The top heavyweight right now is probably, I don't know.

That Klitschko guy?

Yeah, but he's a pussy, so he'll always lose a big fight eventually.

The African guy, Sam Peter, he's like a beast, but I don't think he's really that good.

He's like a slower Mike Tyson.

Man, Mike Tyson, he imploded, huh?

That was something right there.

He just lost his explosiveness.

Something happened.

He just went crazy.

Mike Tyson, everybody.

Nunu says football, soccer is religion here, that he's in the UK.

Yeah, that's so stupid.

Good luck with that.

They're so dumb.

Any sport where you spend most of the time,

where they have the excitement,

the big fights in the crowds after the game's over.

It's like any sport where you go,

you go just to ride.

It can't be a good sport.

Like hockey and NASCAR.

It's stupid.

They don't fight that much in there.

Hockey, they fight in the stands a lot.

They fight on the ice.

And NASCAR, it's all about the crashes.

Oh, on NASCAR, they throw stuff at each other now.

They throw stuff at each other?

Yeah, well, the drivers get all pissed off.

They should add oil slicks to the back of the car.

It should be like Mario Kart.

They shoot turtle shells at each other.

Banana peels and turtle shells.

There should be, like, little stars bouncing around.

You could be invincible.

That game Spy Hunter, remember?

You could do the O.S. looks and the smoke and shit like that.

Yeah, yeah.

That'd be awesome.

I'd love it.

I'd watch it then.

NASCAR become the national pastime.

We could do that.

Yeah, like chariot races and put things on the side of it and stuff like that.

That'd be cool.

I'd watch NASCAR.

I'm just sitting here.

I don't know.

How many listeners have we got?

Ah, 37.

That's not too bad, I guess.

We used to have, like, 60, like, just, like, two months ago.

Back when the world was sane, back before September 11th or whatever it was.

Back before Zolar left us.

Do you think we lost people because of Zolar?

No, I don't think so.

I don't know what happened.

You need a haircut.

Look at you.

Yeah, it is time.

Fina over there says I can't get a haircut.

Really?

Fina, you don't want me to get a haircut, right?

You said I can't.

I need a haircut.

What kind of hair would...

You have good hair that if you grow it out, it'll be like...

No.

You can't style or anything.

No, you know what's true?

My hair, when it grows out, like the sides of my head grows out normally.

And the top

It's like Mr. Burns

Not Mr. Burns

But it's like

How do you explain this

I don't know

Mr. Burns

He's completely bald

Yeah he's completely bald

You're saying

The top of your head

Stays flat

And then the side

Puffs out

Yeah I got that too

Yeah

My hair is like straight

It doesn't do anything

I'm just going bald

Are you

Yeah I think so

That's good for you

Well the whole thing was

Like I used to have

Really curly hair

And then I

Did you

Yeah I did

And then I

Baked my head once

To get rid of that

I actually

Baked your head

I used

Well you know

I used a big razor

and shit to get rid of that oh you did yeah and it did that it straightened it but it really

fucked up my hair to the point where i can't yeah i would never pick my head yeah i have to

the only way my hair looks good is if it's really short like i have to get a shave like a zero guard

on the side and like a two or three on the top anything after that it doesn't spike right it

goes every other way it's nasty like right my hair just puffs out now it's just like a big puff

ball i hate my hair i'm not happy with myself you should bake your head next time i should put

in the oven i should just keep baking i'm gonna get the uncle fester look from now on is what i'm

I'm going to do Skid Row.

Yeah, that'll look good.

Silver says NASCAR needs cheerleaders.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm sure they'll drive faster if they got a girl cheering for them.

Do you know anything about, how does NASCAR, aren't there teams?

Isn't there like three cars to a team, like three drivers and they work together or something?

Doesn't it work like that?

I don't know.

You've never, you don't, you never really watch.

Anybody you've found?

If Miltman was here, he could tell us.

He could tell us in a second.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

He's totally missing.

I don't know.

Maybe he lost his cell phone or something.

I haven't heard from him since last week when he was in here dissing us.

I put my cell phone on my butt to climb a tree, and I can't get it out.

It exploded.

The monkey stole it.

I was doing a fire dance, and my cell phone caught on fire.

Poor Milkman, huh?

Fuck him.

Man, he really pissed you off last night.

No, he didn't.

No, he kicked you out of the chat room and everything.

Yeah, that was funny, though.

I laughed.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, buddy.

Why would I care if he kicked me out of the chat room?

I know, right?

You don't take offense about it.

Because there's so many girls in there to mack on every day.

Yeah, a little of a neo.

Yeah.

That's prime real estate right there.

Is she taking?

I don't know what she's taking.

She's some gothic

emo, I hate the world,

I cut myself. Does she cut herself?

Yes, she does. You admitted to it.

We're talking shit about Neo.

Neo cuts herself, everybody, with blunt

scissors. She cuts herself.

Safety scissors. She likes to pinch herself

real hard until she screams. She pulls her

leg hairs out.

Oh, man.

How about another prank call that's

It's going to go nowhere.

Lotus Garden Chinese Restaurant.

I don't know about that.

Home Depot.

Give me an idea for a Home Depot, Andy.

What can I do?

What do I do?

I don't know what you do at Home Depot.

I've never been there in my life.

What can you say to a Home Depot?

What can you say to a 7-Eleven?

You're always going to tell me you lost your wallet there, isn't it?

That's the only premise of it.

Yo, where's my check card?

Yo, don't play.

What happened?

I better not get a bill for Doritos and punch.

Wendy's.

I got to make a choice.

I'm very indecisive.

I already called Best Buy.

Nasty Girls.

Called them.

They were mean.

Called you ugly.

Oh, the chick at Nasty Girls called me ugly.

Dollar Tree guys doesn't like Mexicans.

Call Blimpies with something in your mouth so you sound real fat.

Okay.

Good idea.

Placerville or Chula Vista?

Chula Vista.

Isn't Chula Vista down the road?

Or is that Chula Vista, California?

Chula Vista.

Yeah, we got Chula Vista, Florida.

Oh, Chula Vista?

Yeah, that's where Razor Ramon lives.

Isn't that Chula Yota?

Yeah, but the nice part of Chula Yota is Chula Vista.

Oh, okay, I gotcha.

Like a subdivision.

Mm-hmm.

No, it's an actual little town.

It's like they used to be part of Chuliota, and then Chuliota was like nasty, redneck

town, so they made it Chula Vista.

Yeah.

And then one time I took a pizza to Razor Ramon's house.

It's like, oh, thanks, man.

Yo.

Did he tip you well?

Yeah.

I was like, I'm a big fan.

You're awesome.

He's like the only celebrity I've ever met.

Is he Scott Hall or Kevin Nash?

He's Scott Hall.

He's Scott Hall, right?

Yeah, he's Scott Hall.

And it's not Kevin Nash.

It was Hall and Nash.

I remember that.

Yeah, Hall and Oates.

Hall and Oates.

he had like there's like a little guy who looked like um uh the trainer from rocky he was i think

that was his dad he ordered a weird pizza too it was like tomatoes and like uh green peppers and um

ham it's disgusting i was like this is gross it's crazy like in the scope of a month you delivered

a pizza to him our other roommate he came into his restaurant then he came into the store that

and uh we saw sable too yeah mark merrill was out there too right the other guy the other

And then if you go into local Dunkin' Donuts, they've got a signed, autographed picture of Sheriff Roscoe B. Coltrane.

Local celebrities of Orlando.

Well, East Orlando.

East, yeah.

West Orlando's been good.

It's like Shacklers over there.

Wesley Snipes.

Yeah, Penny and all those guys.

Horace Grant.

All basketball.

Who's the...

Tim Raines.

Tiger Woods lives out here.

That's about it.

Fing Raines?

Tim Raines.

Tim Rock Raines.

There's more too

I just can't think of them

I can't think of them

What's his office?

Oh the new kids on the block

Not the new kids on the block

The um

What's the other one?

Backstreet Boys

The one that's from Orlando

Was it Backstreet Boys?

Yeah

Yeah Backstreet Boys

They live here

They do?

Yeah

That's right

One time

Joey Fat One came into my restaurant

Fat One?

Yeah

He was

He was a little fat guy

He's like 5'2

All his friends were there

Asking the waitress girl

They're like

Don't you know who he is?

And she's like no

And then when he got out there, he made a big show.

He's like, here, I'm going to pay you with my credit card so you can see my name.

Dante Colbert.

Yeah, she goes, Joey Fat One?

He goes, Fatone.

And she's like, oh, are you a Nickelodeon or something?

And he got pissed.

He's like, no, I'm in Backstreet Boys.

Nickelodeon.

Yeah.

He was with some hot girls, though.

That's why we knew he was semi-famous.

He was 5'2", like 180 pounds.

Little pudgy, little cunt.

Now, Dante Colbert was not from Orlando.

He was from, like, Tampa or something, right?

No, he's from, uh...

I know he lives, he's got a house over there.

He was from, like, Apopka or something like that.

He went to, like, I think he was from Ocala.

But he used to come into my restaurant, too, and then, like, um...

He ate for free there.

They gave him, like, free gift tickets all the time.

And he would never check, yeah.

It's called Blimpies, right?

Yeah, Blimpies.

You're gonna put something in your mouth so you sound fat.

Oh, yeah, hang on.

I need my mouth.

I got a voice.

Not much of a stretch, you know?

Yeah, that's a great...

I get the rhythm, right?

Blimpies, this is Laura.

How may I help you?

How you doing?

Okay.

Hey, I got a question.

You guys have mayonnaise down there?

Mayonnaise?

Yes.

You put mayonnaise on your sandwiches?

Yeah.

How long are you guys open until?

We're closed right now.

What time are you guys open again?

Pardon me?

What time are you guys open again?

This is tomorrow morning.

So what time are you guys open?

I said not what.

You know, what time?

Eight o'clock.

You guys make a sandwich at eight o'clock?

Right.

You guys have breakfast sandwiches?

Yes.

Can I have mayonnaise on my breakfast sandwich?

Yes.

Yeah.

How much is your lemon on the mayonnaise?

Huh?

Can I get a mayonnaise and cheese sandwich?

If you want it.

You got how much mayonnaise you put on there?

I don't want, do you guys have Hellman's mayonnaise?

Um, I have to go.

You can call in the morning and it'll give you any information you want.

No, you know how to make a sandwich, right?

Right, and we put about an ounce of mayonnaise on it.

An ounce of mayonnaise?

In our sandwiches, yes.

With cheese?

Yes.

With mayonnaise and cheese sandwich?

Right.

An ounce of mayonnaise, I don't think an ounce is gonna cut it more.

Okay, I'll see you later.

Can you give me an extra charge for extra mayonnaise?

Good job.

That's so nasty sounding joke.

I feel like you're getting off on mayonnaise.

Mayonnaise on me.

We'll call the other blimpies and say they refused.

No, no, no.

Tell them you want to bring some mayonnaise from your house.

I want to bring mayonnaise from home.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

It's in a text tube.

Oh, man.

This is like a in my mouth.

.

What's your name?

Huh?

What's your name?

My name is John.

And who do you want to talk to?

I wanted to see if you guys were still open.

Excuse me?

I wanted to see if you guys were still open.

No, we're closed.

It takes me about 10 minutes to get to my car because I weigh 482 pounds.

Oh, you do?

And I was wondering, can you guys make me a mayonnaise and cheese sandwich?

And how about some oil, some Crisco?

No, no, no, just mayonnaise and cheese.

Mayonnaise and cheese and, um...

I make my own mayonnaise.

Oh, you make your own mayonnaise?

Yes.

For more flavor or what?

I use, um, my own eggs.

I get them from free roaming hens.

Who is this?

My name is John.

I have caller ID, so it's all good.

What time are you guys open tomorrow, guys?

Excuse me?

What time are you guys open tomorrow?

We open tomorrow at 5.

5 a.m.?

Yeah.

Okay, you think maybe at 5 a.m. I get an egg and mayonnaise and cheese sandwich?

Maybe, if you're lucky.

My brother's going to pick me up from the flatbed.

You have one minute remaining.

Is that possible? Do you guys maybe get enough room to sit me in there?

You only have one minute on your phone card, buddy.

How'd you know?

Because...

I can't...

I ate my phone.

You like me?

I'm big.

You like big boys?

Yeah, it's your...

You like what, bitch?

Hey, where's she from?

She likes big boys.

She does like big boys.

Yeah, where's that at?

Earthlake says, tell them you're Jared from Blippi's and you relapsed.

Where's she from?

California?

I guess so.

Any fat guys out in California, we got a girl for you.

Yeah, Chula Vista.

That was the Chula Vista one we called now.

Yeah, we called the PlayServo one first.

That hurts my mouth after a while.

I do that, though.

Hey, you sound pained.

Yeah, it does.

It's sore.

I got to put in the other one.

Don't use this highlighter, Andy.

I never have.

I got to wash that.

I've never highlighted things.

Yeah, yeah.

I've never been to a Blimpies.

They sound like they suck anyway, though.

Yeah, well, a Subway is gross, so I imagine a Blimpies is even grosser.

Yeah, probably.

I need to find the other phone card, dude.

It's out there somewhere.

I got to get up and find it.

Is this it right here?

And I'm 482 pounds big, so that's a Visa debit card.

This is the old one here

That doesn't work anymore

It's here somewhere

You're so stupid

Why don't you have this ready?

I can actually

I can actually recharge it

But I have to find something

You can find shit

It's a pizza coupon

Any good coupons in there?

Pizza wings are disgusting

If you eat those

You're just wrong

No, no, no

They left them at my door

I would never get pizza

What is it called?

Wing Street or something?

Yeah, Wing Street

I would never

Yeah, Wing Street

That's where

What's that guy's name?

He gets his wings there

Jared

Down on Wing Street

Alright, I gotta find the phone card

I know I have another phone card that I bought on my trip to Pennsylvania on my way down,

so I had to find it.

So we'll take a break.

I'm sure you won't, too.

I'll find it.

If not, then I'll recharge the phone.

They're already here to take this call.

Who is it?

Oh, it's Clone Homegrown, your favorite caller.

You're on the air.

Go ahead.

I gotta find him.

I don't know.

Hang on.

What the fuck is this?

No, you keep talking here.

Is that a phone card right there?

That's the one that I told you, Reed.

It's over.

No, that one right there.

I got some time killing for you.

What's up, Clone Homegrown?

How you doing, man?

It's from a video game, Andy.

I was taking a bong hit.

We can't even hear it.

You gotta hit harder than that.

You gotta get that deep in the lung.

You've been sick.

What kind of disease do you have?

You got sickle cell?

Smoking a lot, bro.

My illness as well, back when I was a smoker.

You know, I wouldn't get high when I was sick.

I'd waste a lot of weed trying to get high when I was sick.

No, I got high.

You smoke nasty rag.

That's probably why he got sick.

Yeah, so how's your week been? How's the old lady? We always ask you that.

For some reason we find it very big novelty the fact that you're married.

I think you're the only married guy that listens to this show.

K to K, he's kind of married.

Eh, not legally.

He's married in one state.

Not in the eyes of God. I think he's just hitting it.

He doesn't care enough about that guy Keith.

K-bone or whatever his name is.

The fuck is a phone card, man? I know I have another one right here somewhere. Son of a bitch.

Eh, I'm gonna have to recharge it.

I'm gonna have to call a break real quick and do that.

So anyway, what do you think about the show so far, Clone Homegrown?

It's kind of moving slow, but we're trying to do something.

I think he's really very gay, and like, it's gonna slowly come out.

Yeah, he attacks people with his gayness, but in fact, for gays out there.

They wanna live in sin like that, let them live in sin.

Ah, shit, there's a somewhere.

Telephone card?

What's that?

Nope.

It's an action jacket.

What the hell's an action jacket?

Oh, that's the case to my iPod.

Well, it has a bell clip on it?

Yeah, it does.

an armband and an armband i got with the armband i got your armband couldn't fit around yeah i

tried to fit it yeah when i get my uh blood pressure taken i they got to get the big cuff

actually this stretches out pretty well i'm gonna put on my leg right now tourniquet it's elastic

armband they won't fit plastic pants oh shit almost hurt me ciao going home ground let's

say to you see in the chair i'm saying hey give a shout out to mike and t or mike and ty i'm

listening to the show right now with my girlfriend oh look at that someone else is a girlfriend what's

What's your girlfriend's name? Mike and T-Y or Mike and T-whatever your real name is, or I'm assuming it's Mike.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll pod you up here so we can hear it.

Living the dream.

Paycheck here from Kmart.

Hey, Cole, you know what I did today?

I took all my old seeds and I threw them in my backyard.

Yeah, after the grow that shit.

Let's see what happens.

If something happens, I'll give it to you.

Yeah, I don't have anybody to buy from anymore, man.

Yeah, because it's about rainy season in Florida.

It's hurricane season.

Yeah, coming up.

I mean, eventually it'll be thrown up out there, though.

We used to have some pretty much every apartment I ever lived in.

I used to just throw them out the window.

I could get a handful of them, and something would sprout eventually.

These are cribby seeds that I accumulated over the last three years.

So there's a good 30 of them.

I just threw them on the ground, and I poured water over the top.

Over at the community college I was going to, I used to always throw the seeds out when I'd smoke.

I'd always park at the same spot, smoke before class.

Actually, I think I saw one growing once out there, and I pulled it.

I got scared, and I pulled it out.

Are you afraid they're going to trace it to you?

Yeah, that was paranoid.

You're pretty stupid.

It's probably high.

I don't know how I'm going to trace it to me.

That was the guy who always punched right here.

Like I said.

Weed humor is really easy.

Yeah, you've got to be high to get it.

Wait a minute, man.

You're trying to quit smoking?

Hold on.

That just kills you.

I've been there before.

Yeah, man, I'm trying to quit too.

You're trying to quit weed?

Listen to this, dude.

The worst thing I can do to you.

Have you ever hit the bong so hard that you threw up a clone?

Yeah, I used to do that a lot.

Really?

Yeah, because when I used to smoke, I used to take the biggest hits possible.

Because that was the whole point of smoking, is to get high.

The bigger the hit, the more high you get.

I would take such huge hits that it would be like,

it wasn't like the weed was making you throw up.

It was all the coughing you do immediately afterwards.

Yeah.

Whenever I coughed a little bit, I seemed to get higher.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, because you cough when you can't.

When your body is so high, it starts to reject the weed.

That's when you cough.

And I cough so much, you know, I hit it and then like, you know, just like, you know, buckets of snot will come pouring out of your nose.

Yeah, I get just a really stringy kind of spit, phlegm kind of stuff coughing up.

It's really not really spit.

I used to like sit in the morning, I would take a shower, I'd turn the water as hot as it possibly could get and let it run for a minute.

And then get in there and let it run on your back and then just force yourself to cough and hock the shit.

You gotta do that, clone homegrown, because otherwise the substance is going to stay in your esophagus.

This website, they said that weed doesn't cause cancer.

Yeah, I read that.

Didn't that do? I thought I did.

Yeah, you did. Actually, that was on Sunday. I posted that in the chatroom on Sunday.

Oh, did someone buy something?

No, this is the phone card company. I'm going to try to refill online. There we go.

I'm going to take a piss.

So, I saw you commenting about Katrina victims. You live in Houston, right?

You've got the bulk of those Katrina people, refugees or whatever, right?

Hang on, give me a second.

Okay. A lot of criminals. I heard that the crime rate is shit. Really? Sad, man.

Damn. Okay, I see. So we really...

They were kind of downplaying the whole rapes that were going on at the convention center and this and that.

But it really wasn't like that. Maybe one or two things that happened and shit like that.

But you're saying that shit really happens. Actually, it happened with the refugees that moved on.

God damn it, man. That's sick. That's sad. It's sad, but in the same vein, it's fucking sick, man.

Yeah, and I've heard, like, in Houston, like, they say that the crime rate has skyrocketed, you know?

Crazy vatos.

So what's worse, Katrina victims or Mexicans?

Criminals.

Did you hear that?

It's like, um, it's not even anything. It's like an eighth, I think.

Or not an eighth, it's like an eighth of weed is like the most you can have.

Unless you get good weed, that's enough. That's all you need for, like, three or four days.

Well, what good weed are you going to get out of Mexico, though, man?

Seriously.

No, they got good weed in Mexico, too.

Dude, they got, like, greenhouses down there, and they grow good shit.

Yeah, so.

And two tablespoons of heroin is not enough.

Yeah, I've tried.

How many tablespoons of heroin are you good with, clone?

How many tablespoons of heroin do you need?

He doesn't do heroin.

He just smokes weed.

Do you take any pills or anything like that?

Like Xanax, Valium, Soma, anything?

Oh, I'm on all kinds of pills.

Yeah, see?

That's the thing.

Pot and pills mix perfectly.

Pills and alcohol, that's trouble.

But if you smoke weed and you take pills,

you're having the best time ever.

Really?

Yeah.

I like Soma and weed and even Xanax.

If you take Xanax and you drink,

you end up getting in a fight.

Nine times out of ten, you go crazy.

Xanax.

If you take Xanax and you smoke some grippy,

you're having fun.

See, but I used to like Manzoma and a beer.

No.

You fall asleep.

Yeah, it was good.

It's a waste of a soma.

Good sleep.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I wouldn't fall asleep.

No, no, maybe two or three beers in and I'd fall asleep.

I used to get home from work at like five o'clock and I'd take like eight somas.

What?

And I'd rip on the bong for like a good 30 minutes and I'd jump on my pool float for

like two hours.

And was you afraid of drowning?

Yeah, everybody drinks it.

Oh.

Yeah.

Don't drink anymore though?

The dead could out-drink you.

Yeah, no, the dead could totally out-drink you.

The dead would waste you.

Yeah.

His power chair runs on his alcoholic piss.

He just pisses into the power chair and runs on that.

He's drinking.

Hold on, power chair.

It's time for a recharge.

You know what I've noticed in the last, like, few years is I can't go the whole night sleeping

without getting up and taking a piss anymore.

Like, I have to get up around 5 or 6 in the morning and go to the bathroom.

Could be prostate cancer.

You should get that checked out.

No.

Well, if it is, it would just kill me.

Yeah, you don't want to get that surgery, man.

Hell no.

I don't want to get that surgery.

I don't even want to get that checked.

Yeah, that's bad.

I'll shit your pants on the air. Everybody will love that.

Yeah, do that. We like to hear that.

Well, put the phone down by your ass and then shit.

That's what you're married for. That's what the wife's for.

Tell her you're sick and you can't do it.

I'm sick so I shit the phone.

Explain that one to her.

I farted. I'm sick.

Make her do that. Or mush her against the wall.

Or you divorce her and take half her money. Tell her.

Oh, okay. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Miss Homegrown.

So how old were you when you got married, man?

Was it a long time ago?

How old were you when you got married?

Aren't you 28?

I think I was like 28.

No, he's only been married a year.

Oh, okay, he's been married a year.

It's only been a year, but he's not really...

Oh, I'm only 27.

It's been a long year.

It's true.

Like, the last five, six years of my life,

I really can't remember whatever individual dates in there.

We lost the PCU stream, apparently.

Hang on.

Hold on.

We're still on the...

We're on something still.

Hang on.

Hang on, hang on.

Well, thanks, Saigon, for telling us about that,

even though you can't hear us.

No wonder the manhouse trips had to jump it up real quick.

So, yes, okay, we're your first experience in PCU, then.

Yeah, if you had shit in your pants, no one would have even heard it, so it's a good thing you didn't.

Are you ready to shit in your pants now that we're back on?

Yeah, we're back on now.

Thank you, PCU, for...

See, look how much Saigon helps.

Saigon...

No one else told us.

People talk shit about Saigon, and here he is, and he solved our problem for us.

He called us poofed us.

He called us poofed us, and that's fine.

We fucked up.

He's a fucking toss anyway.

He's a half a toss.

I was saying that all day yesterday, that people half a toss.

I was like, I've already talked with that half a toss.

Who'd you tell that to?

Ah, yeah, Athena.

I don't talk to anybody else while I'm stuck to my girlfriend.

It's half a toss.

Half a toss.

All right, homegrown.

Well, all right, man.

Well, peace out.

We love you and your monotone voice.

It wouldn't be the same without you.

Keep listening.

Tell a friend.

Yeah, have you told anybody about PCU or the Madhouse or anything like that?

Tell your dealer.

Yeah.

Tell your dealer.

Hey, man.

I call on this show to listen.

Yeah, you'll get it.

You'll understand.

It's great when you're high.

All right, dude.

Thanks for calling in, man.

All right, peace.

Talk to you next week.

Saigon's number two?

Look at that.

Saigon, he talks so much in there, man.

He's probably on there all day

when there's not even anything happening.

He's like, dude, dude, dude.

Talking shit, yeah.

The Dead's number six.

Huh.

And he's been kind of missing.

Neo's number ten.

That's something, huh?

Anyway.

Monkey phone.

Monkey phone, that's Joop.

Who's Googly Moogly?

I didn't even hear that word.

That's the other Joop.

So, technically,

Joop is number three and number five.

There's two Joops?

Yeah.

Yeah, Nunu's pretty high up there, too, and he's not even American.

Yeah.

Imagine that, everybody.

How about we take a break and try to recharge and come back?

It's almost midnight.

Close enough, right?

We usually take our break around midnight.

It's 1149.

We can play some, like, rock music or something, dude.

I was going to play something.

Do you have any Guns N' Roses?

Guns N' Roses.

I want to hear it.

I was going to play Busta Rhymes on the break, but we can play Guns N' Roses instead.

I think all I have is Sweet Child of Mine and November Rain,

which is like nine minutes long.

Sweet Child of Mine is great.

I love November Rain, too.

I love the video when Slash drives his girlfriend off the cliff

and jumps out of the car and plays his guitar.

He didn't do that.

Yes, he did.

In the fucking video, yeah.

In the long version of it, right?

It was in like 30 minutes originally?

No.

Yeah.

It's a nine-minute song, and then in the video,

Slash is driving the car, and his bitch is giving him trouble.

She's like, eh.

And Slash gives her a dirty look.

And then you see the car going off a cliff, and she's like screaming.

and then they have, like, a wide zoom from up in, like, a helicopter or something

and Slash is on the side of the cliff rocking out.

Well, I remember the original, like, not the, I mean, they would stop for, like, stuff,

but the original November Rain was the second longest video ever right after Thriller.

Hey, remember Slash's old girlfriend, Stephanie Seymour?

No.

Damn.

Can't say I didn't.

That's high grade early 90s.

Hey, nanny, nanny.

Yeah.

Who was better, Slash or Duff?

Slash.

Slash?

Yeah.

Slash the guy with the long hair

and the top hat.

They're all in that band now

with the gay lead singer

from Stone Temple Pilots.

No, Lee Sanford and Nevada's dead.

That's right.

They became what? Audio Slave is who?

Audio Slave is Raising a Sushi

with the former lead singer

of Soundgarden.

Without Zach Diller.

I guess he's made

two solo albums and he won't put any out.

One's a rap album. That's the one I want to hear.

I think it's a rap

I can't remember

who like

it's a rap album

and I think

maybe Madlib

produced a couple

of the tracks

really

yeah that's gonna be

the shit

whenever he finally

puts that out

I wonder why he doesn't

I don't know

because he's got beef

with all the

recording industry

yeah he's like

super ultra

revolutionary

liberalist

anti-corporate

kind of deal

yeah

I heard that he went

down to Mexico

and he joined

the Zapatistas

well he did a few

concerts down there

and he actually did

a concert in Cuba

too didn't he

I think he was

on the Cuba

doing a concert

not that long ago

he's gonna wrestle

Russell, um, uh,

Vincente Fox in an oil match

for the, uh,

to be Presidente

of Mexico.

Yeah, Zach De La Rocha.

Oh, is it Rocha? I think it's Rocha.

De La Rocha. I don't know, who cares?

I don't know, sounds too much like Rocha to me.

He's Mexican, but it doesn't matter.

He can spit, he can spit, yo.

Uh, Mikey did say he's banned in the chat room.

See, go see what happened. He'll ban me for nothing.

She always bans the girls evil.

I said, what's up, baby girl?

and she fucking banned me.

Yeah, she's not very fun, really.

Come on, Neo, man.

Let Mike get you back in there.

He's a nice guy.

Yeah, he's nice.

Look at that.

Hey, Neo baby, what's up, baby girl?

And Neo just bans him.

That's it.

Okay, well, I don't know.

I'm not going to unban you.

I don't know how.

And either Neo can do it

or you can let KDK know.

Maybe he'll answer you.

There's no one place in the world

she has any kind of power, so.

Yeah.

KDK entrusted Neo with all this power.

And a hormonal 16-year-old girl.

Exactly.

He's very angry at men in the first place.

Yeah, he's very angry at everything for that one.

And then there's a room full of very dorky guys, and she's really mean to them.

Now, BMR is about to be banned.

He said...

He's seconds from being banned.

You're so ugly.

When you sweat it, it runs backward off your forehead just to stay away from your face.

Oh, Jesus.

That's a Muhammad Ali.

BMR always...

See, there we go.

He got kicked.

BMR always copies stuff from movies.

That's a Muhammad Ali quote.

Come on, man.

It's something original, dude.

Look at Sagan cracking up.

See, he's funny.

Yeah, Saigon's great.

Saigon knows humor when he sees it.

Yeah, I think, can't that guy just come right back in?

It's not like when you get banned, it's like permanent, right?

I think he can come right back in.

He might have.

How did we lose five listeners in the last two minutes?

Because I said we were going to take a break, maybe.

Yeah.

Whatever, tough.

Tough to make.

Clones, he's going, says bye, he's going to pass out stone.

Oh, good.

That was great.

Back when I used to smoke, I didn't have dreams or anything like that.

Now I have dreams all the time.

They're horrible.

About smoking?

Every once in a while I dream about smoking

And then in my dream I'll be like

Man I have to quit all over again

And then you wake up like oh good

That's a relief

I have dreams that I rape women all the time

And I wake up and say thank god I didn't

I know it's bad

I gotta talk to the priest about that

Uber right back everybody

It's almost midnight it's almost Friday

And that's all I have to say

She's fat

the onion radio news a judge orders god to break up into smaller deities this is doyle redland

reporting calling the theological giant stranglehold on the religious industry quote blatantly

anti-competitive a u.s district judge has ruled that god is in violation of anti-monopoly laws

and ordered him to be broken up into several less powerful deities.

District Judge Charles Elliott Schofield handed down the decision in Washington, D.C. earlier today.

He has carved out for himself an illegal monotheopoly.

Leading theologians are applauding the God breakup,

saying that it will usher in a new era of greater worshiping options,

increased efficiency, and more personalized service.

Doyle Redland for The Onion, Radio News.

Brought to you by the movie Slither in theaters this Friday.

For more information, go to slithermovie.net.

Calls (11, 28 min of 1 h 55 min)

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