2006-06-22 Show

The following is an exclusive of PCU Radio and MadHouseLive.com.

What are you doing, Andy?

You're the sound engineer, man.

Get that under control.

What's up, everybody?

Good evening.

Still doing.

It's not you, Andy.

It's okay.

Good evening, everybody.

It's the MadHouse.

Late as usual.

Fashionably late.

And it's iCarlito here with Andy.

What's up, Andy?

Fuck you, bitch motherfucker.

Motherfucker.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, bitch motherfucker.

And fuck you, bitch motherfucker guys here.

We should try to call him tonight.

He probably won't pick up, but we can try.

We should pass him on to someone else.

Yeah, we should pass him off to Clone Homegrown.

Apparently he's got a show.

Is that what it is?

Did you read the chat room?

Yeah, we don't know.

I don't know.

I'm asking you.

I've been out of the loop.

That's like my favorite thing to say.

I'm out of the loop.

But I've been out of the loop, so I don't know why the music's repeating.

Shut up, intro.

Because I have it on repeat.

There we go.

Okay, better.

Andy's favorite song in the world, Bob Marley.

Johnny was a good man.

Andy's back from up north in Chicago.

What's up?

How was Chicago?

It was great.

Yeah?

In the 70s up there?

No, it was hot.

Was it really?

Yeah, it was just a little less hot than this.

I'm going to wait to smoke my cigar after I smoke something else.

Welcome back, Andy.

It's good to have you back.

You're going to smoke my pole?

Yes.

No.

I welcome back BJ.

Zach.

We've got to end the show already.

Yeah, all right.

Obviously, we're having technical difficulties.

We're going to end the show.

I want to thank everybody for listening.

Thank you, Lonesome Loser, for the phone numbers.

We'll catch you next week.

No, I'm kidding.

Seriously.

Is that my end or your end?

I don't know.

I'm putting this back in here to see if maybe that's it.

Hey, and it stopped.

Hello?

Yeah, we're good.

I think we're off the air, though.

No, we're fine.

We're encoding.

The encoders are encoding.

The flux capacitor is flexing.

Yeah, I guess it was this thing.

Yeah, it's fucked up.

I ran over with my big, fat foot one day.

Your big wart crosses toes.

I have one wart.

Look at my wart, man.

Man, it's going down.

Look at that.

I was putting duct tape on it.

You can barely see it.

I read online that...

You're wearing a Puerto Rican shoe.

Yeah, yeah.

I wrapped it up in duct tape.

No, no, seriously.

I heard you can get rid of warts by...

I have feet in disgust.

I know.

Look how nasty my feet are, man.

Look at that.

Look at my fingernails.

Did Dina ever suck your toes?

No.

I don't do that shit.

You ever suck her toes?

No, I don't.

No.

Dina's feet?

Are there badgers?

Let's not go into that.

I have a story to say, but I'm not going to say it out of respect to my girlfriend.

No I'm not going to do that

Do it

These people record everything

They be playing it back and stuff

You know how much shit

I get for that time

Remember when I said

That Lego's girl Kim

Would be a good trade

For Athena one time

I blurted that out

I had to remember that

She's been giving me shit about

Every time we get into a fight

She's like

Oh I'm a good trade huh

I'm a good trade huh

She always brings that up

You don't remember that at all do you

Nah I don't remember that

That's a nice shirt though

Yeah you like it

I got a shirt just like that

Really

My Nana bought it for me

Oh, all right, Nana.

How's Nana doing?

Nana's all right.

She had a hip replacement.

She's getting around pretty good.

Okay.

My grandpa, he had a stroke, so.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah, well, he's fine.

He's good.

He's a mean old bastard.

He's like me.

He's like the closest person to me in the family.

He's a mean old bastard.

All right.

Did you see the uncle that you got that eats all the butter and the mashed potatoes and stuff?

Uncle Wally, yeah.

He lost 100 pounds, and then he gained 150 back.

He's really fat again.

He's got much weight and so forth.

Well, I mean, my family, we're all real fat, but we live to our 90s, so I'm sure he'll be okay.

That's good.

Did you hear Stern today?

Yeah.

Did you hear Fred was reading a book about him?

Oh, no, I didn't hear it today.

It was in a live show today, so I haven't listened to it.

Okay, but maybe you heard this episode before.

Fred was saying he was reading a book about Hitler's son.

Is that correct?

Yeah.

Is that a true thing or is it a fiction thing?

I don't know.

I think there was his nephew.

His nephew, not his son.

Okay.

I think so.

I heard that mentioned.

I was at work listening to the replay.

You know who looks kind of like Hitler?

Your dad.

You know, he's got that hair.

Yeah.

You know, and he's...

And he's white, and he doesn't talk.

My dad is white.

Your dad's white.

He's so white.

My dad's...

He is a 16th Italian or something like that, I think.

Yeah, he's a 16th.

I'm a 132nd or something.

I did the math.

He told me the other day, he said my great-great-grandfather was Italian.

He explained it to me.

I always wondered how Italian I am.

It doesn't mean nothing.

I don't really think Italians are that great.

I don't think so either.

I don't like Italians, actually.

Yeah, they're obnoxious.

I don't like anybody.

Nah, it's weird, dude.

Oh, yeah, so that's that, and the United States is out of the World Cup.

I know you're affected by that.

You're a big soccer fan.

I slit my wrist.

You shouldn't do that, man.

That's a very nasty-looking scar you got there.

It took two hours of bleeding.

Nothing happened.

Just like the World Cup.

Right.

That's so gay.

Yeah, I can watch hockey, but not soccer,

and they're both pretty much the same sport,

except one is playing on ice.

Yeah, and one's violent, and there's fighting.

and they've got to wear pads, so it's a real sport.

Exactly, man.

You remember this?

You never went to a Solarburg game, did you?

No, I'm not going to pay that money.

Those people, man.

There was this goalie that played for this hockey team here in Orlando, man.

He had the record in all of professional hockey in North America for fighting.

And every game, the motherfucker would get into a fight.

I don't think goalies fought.

No, this guy, he had a glass eye.

Just like your dad.

Yeah, exactly.

Just like my dad.

My dad, true story, he does have a glass eye.

And, yeah, he had the record in all of professional hockey for fights in his career.

And I swear to God, the guy was crazy.

I mean, it's an awesome sport where they let you fight until you hit the –

and when you hit the ice, then they let you get back up,

and they end the fight there, right?

But that's a testament.

They should do that more often.

They should do that with baseball, you know?

No, baseball guys can't fight.

The only sport people can fight in is hockey.

The rest of them are pussies.

You know, I don't like hockey or play.

I mean, but –

Boxing.

Yeah.

By nature.

And, like, ultimate fighting.

Ultimate fighting.

I heard Ken Shamrock's fighting this weekend or something.

No, I think it's the next weekend.

This weekend's the ultimate finale of the Ultimate Fighter, so I've got to watch that.

Okay.

Like the end of the season or something?

I'm picking the Hawaiian guy and the guy with blue hair to win.

There's a guy with blue hair?

Yeah.

Where's he from?

I don't know, but he used to be fat, so I like him.

Any Samoans in there?

No.

He's like the guy who has blue hair, and he's in shape now, but he's got like a loose

skin hanging over his trunks, so I go for him.

Cool.

It's better that you're here because you can talk while I smoke during the show.

I was mentioning this last week.

There were long periods of silence as I was smoking.

There was nothing else going on.

I said, I need Andy here because he kind of picks up the slack when I'm distracted.

I'm going to be the talker now, not talker.

When you're smoking, I'll be quiet.

Yeah, no.

Great.

See, I ruined it.

That was my plan.

So thanks, everybody, for listening.

You can reach us toll-free here later tonight.

The toll-free line will be open.

It is not open now.

Don't try calling it because if you do, you're going to be charged.

We might have a new listener

My stepsister Mary may be listening

Shout out to Mary

I doubt it though

I hope she does listen

I just don't think it's going to happen

We'll look and see if we have any new listeners

I don't have that many listeners

My cousin Danny

He goes to sleep at 9 o'clock

So he's going to listen to it on the website

On the archives

So I'm doing more for the show

Than most of you people out here

Do something for the show

Speaking of which, I told two people and none of you people told any.

Yeah, I told two people today about the show for the first time.

Maybe they're listening right now.

Did you tell Chris Lee?

No, yeah, I did tell Chris Lee, as a matter of fact.

Yeah, you know what?

I hope he does listen.

If Chris Lee is out there, he should call in.

He should call in.

He's a very conservative, overweight, Asian-looking guy.

He's a horrendously fat Asian.

Yeah, yeah.

And he's in his late 30s and he's still going to college.

And he's been going to college, I would say, since his teen years.

He's got a huge head.

Like a beach ball.

Yeah, he looks like Milkman.

With a tiny little face.

He looks a lot like Milkman.

Milkman, I bet you he's the same person.

Yeah, anyone heard of Milkman lately?

Milkman.

Milkman kills me.

Milkman called me on a night where I was having an argument with Athena.

And I was dead tired and I was in a bad mood.

I want to say it was Sunday night.

And he starts calling the house here.

And I didn't want to talk to anybody.

So he stops calling the house.

He starts calling my cell phone.

And he's online at the same time.

And I told him, Milkman, just tell me what it is because I really don't feel like talking to anybody right now.

I'm tired, I'm in a pissy mood, and I'm arguing with my girlfriend.

And he's like, just pick up the phone, man.

Just pick it up.

It's important.

And he made his whole big deal, and he wouldn't tell me what it was.

But he had it dead on speaker or whatever.

Even worse.

He had that faggot from Virginia, that old guy.

No, he had the British guy, AMD.

He left me a voicemail on my cell phone, and I listened to it.

Yeah, look, as he said his name, he joined the chat room.

Ah, AMD's right there.

Well, not that I don't like AMD, but it wasn't an emergency, man.

You know what I mean?

It wasn't an emergency, man.

I learned today that Scottish people are called jocks in Britain, and that's a derogatory

term.

Because they're afraid of Scottish people because the Scottish disappear, you know?

I guess, but a derogatory term for Scottish people is a jock, I believe.

Nunu confirmed that for us.

So the toll-free line later on will be open, and the line is 888-278-8509.

I think the Scottish people call English people wankers.

What does everybody pretty call?

They call English people wankers.

They say all English people wankers.

What do they call us?

Is that all they have to call us is yanks?

Do they call us anything else?

Or you, I guess?

I'm not white.

Americans, let's say.

They call you a sugarcane picker.

They don't know anything about Puerto Ricans at all.

They don't know what a Puerto Rican is.

I don't think there's any Puerto Ricans in Britain, anyway.

You don't know what a Puerto Rican is until they're driving off in your Nissan.

Exactly.

Then you know what a Puerto Rican is.

That's when you know what my people are about, when you lose your Nissan.

They broke into another Honda here over the week, man.

Mine's going to be next, I'm telling you.

Yep.

Because there's nothing in my home.

You live in a fucking ghetto neighborhood.

Yeah.

Well, I think you're right outside all the ghetto neighborhoods.

You can hear the ghetto.

Anyway.

Yes, he does look like he is.

So what else?

Anything you got to say before we move on here?

We're okay?

All right.

No news from Andy.

No comments.

comments. You sent me a bunch of links to new stores.

I didn't get to see them. Anything I should know about?

There's one that was really cool. Do you still have them?

Yeah, they're right. It's just like pictures

of the Earth in relation

to all the other planets

and it's the sun, right?

Right. And then in the next thing, it's like

it's one of those bottoms. I think that one.

Liberty Farm.

Okay, yeah, that's right.

That's a secret one that you think people would...

It's just a great... I could spend hours on there every day.

Is that when they get down to it, they just

accuse each other of being Jews? Yeah.

Yeah, I love that.

It's funny.

Jew.

The sun's bigger than that, Jew.

Stupid Jew.

Jew, you don't know how big the sun is, you damn Jew.

Pimpslet went to Chappelle's stand-up the other day.

I fucking went to his stand-up.

I went last night.

You should have hung out with him.

Yeah, I don't know if he did last night, but I saw Chappelle on concert last night.

He ripped it.

Chappelle was so two years ago, dude.

Yeah, he did a good show, but you know what?

Let me tell you what the problem is.

Andy, you're a Magic fan, right?

Yeah.

Here's the problem.

That's a horrible stadium.

I would never go there and spend my money.

I hate that arena.

The TD Waterhouse Center is the most uncomfortable, ungodly thing.

If you're not underweight, it's horrible.

Yeah, the only people who really get in there and have a good time are concentration camp victims.

They can't get to the seats.

And hot chicks.

Yeah.

Hot chicks.

The predator, yeah.

So you and Athena went?

Yeah, that was my birthday present.

You had two seats next to each other.

Yeah, yeah, we did.

It was really uncomfortable.

Yeah, it was really uncomfortable.

You're all pushed to the side.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I went to a Cubs game, and, you know, one game I went on a Saturday.

It was just kind of a guy sitting next to me, took his shirt off,

and he was real hairy and sweaty.

His arms had hair on it.

His stick is like, you know, I'm not very hairy,

so I'm like almost hairless, my arms.

He's a very sexy guy.

Nice.

But, you know, his arm hair was like, you know, it looked like my balls.

My balls?

My pubic area.

I mean, that's how hairy he was.

It was disgusting.

He had pubes coming out of his arms.

and they're rubbing on me.

So I was like

leaned over to my right

the whole time

and my back hurt

the next morning.

Was he sweating on you?

Yeah, he was a sweaty

I think he had to be

like a Mid-Eastern

or Jewish or something.

He was a swarthy bastard.

Probably Jewish.

Not a lot of Mid-Eastern

people go to baseball games.

That's too American

for them.

You know, maybe

maybe whatever

that game

let them play some game

in Afghanistan

where they kill

like a bear.

They ride around

and they cut a goat's head off

and they throw it around.

Yeah, that's fun.

And I saw one also

where they

They get two big guys, and they give them giant clubs, and they blindfold them, and they swing at each other.

Yeah.

That's more fun than we have.

Yeah, exactly.

Those Afghanis know how to live, man.

Good people.

So I suppose the big news is that Clone Homegrown is going to be doing a show.

I'm out of the loop of things, as I always say, so I'm not sure.

That's 100%, but there it is.

The dead's in the chat room accusing me of being a bisexual.

That's the gayest kid out there.

He's calling you that?

Yeah, he's got room to talk.

I guess he'd know.

I mean, maybe he knows something that we don't know, Andy.

But, I don't know.

Apparently, I'm bi.

The Dead just wants me.

He wants you to pay attention to him because he's a drunken loser.

Exactly.

No one offered you a show at The Dead.

You're retarded.

You've been pulled off anyway.

Come on, dude.

You know you're going to need to do it.

I heard KDK say it last night, though.

You're a drunk loser, man.

Someone told KDK to give The Dead a show, and he said,

You really think The Dead could do that?

You know how awful it would be?

I mean, he's not really funny.

He just, he talks funny.

Hey, everybody.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

What kind of music do you think the dead listens to?

Uh, probably, maybe either, it's either one of those, like, you know, death metal, you

know, kind of like that.

Yeah.

Or maybe, like, that real depressing 80s music, like, you know, The Cure or something like

that.

Yeah, emo stuff.

Yeah.

They want to die.

Da-da-da-die.

Yeah.

Da-da.

The dead really needs to start drinking coffee instead of alcohol and smoke weed.

It'd be a lot better for him.

Sure.

I think he said he started smoking weed.

I think he just says that.

Yeah, he said, no, he doesn't need to smoke.

He needs to be like, you know, they need to put him in some kind of institution

and give him some electroshock or something like that.

Electroshock therapy.

That'll do it.

They need to tie a car battery up to his tongue.

That would hurt.

Right.

The AOL Instant Messenger name, if you want to reach us here on AOL Instant Messenger,

Madhouse Radio.

If you want to hit us up on Yahoo Messenger, Madhouse PCU Radio.

Madhouse PCU Radio.

PCURadio and MSN Messenger users, MadhousePCURadio at Hotmail.com.

Join the chat room.

Head over to PCURadio.com.

That's PCURadio.com.

You can also visit the homepage for the Madhouse, the show you're listening to now, MadhouseLive.com.

Both pages have links to the chat room, which you can join free of charge using a Java client right in your browser.

You can join the 82 people who are in the chat room.

Right, Andy?

Yeah.

Tons of people in there.

I don't know if I can ever get that Java browser chat to work.

I would have to find some other way to get it.

Yeah, we've got to work on that.

Maybe, I don't know.

We'll figure it out.

Yeah.

So, yeah, I saw Dave Chappelle last night, and there were hecklers in the crowd.

What was I saying?

I'm black, bitch.

That is exactly what he said.

No, yeah, Pete, you know, it was mostly white kids in the crowd who were yelling,

I'm Rick James, bitch, or something like that.

Yeah, that's really great.

There was a guy behind us who kept yelling, smoke weed, for some reason.

and he was

don't people throw

blunts and joints

at him and shit

no one does that

the thing is

Dave Chappelle

hasn't smoked weed

probably like in

five or six years

he said

himself

and people just

assume he smokes weed

but he actually

got pissed off

for a moment

and said he was

going to walk off

he was like

man I get paid

ahead of time

y'all don't shut up

I'm just going to leave

you know

this is kind of racist

I'm going to say it though

I think most black comics

are like not

I mean all they ever do

is make fun of white people

and then talk about

being black

they don't really talk

about anything

like you know

they're not very topical

I mean, he's one of the better ones.

Like, Chris Rock, you know, all he'd do is, like, white people are crazy.

Yeah.

White people are crazy.

Well, no, he talks shit about black people, though.

Yeah, white people are crazy.

You're supposed to take care of your kids.

Yeah.

I mean, it's funny, but it's easier.

I guess what I'm saying is it's easier to be a black comic, I think.

Did you see the episode of The Office where Michael, was it the manager's name, Michael?

Yeah.

Where he was going to, he got in trouble for reenacting that Chris Rock bit about black people and niggers.

You ever see that?

Yeah.

I don't know.

He thought it was appropriate for him to say that, apparently.

It wasn't.

It wasn't?

It wasn't appropriate.

On AOL Instant Messenger, someone says, oh my god, it's Madhouse.

You guys are like, totally awesome.

I wish I could listen live, but I can't.

So have a nice day.

Is that your mom?

I do.

All right.

It is.

Resage.

That's made as a girl.

Sounds like a girl, right?

Like, totally awesome.

That sounds like a girl.

Andy needs a date for the Christmas party this year.

Where's our Christmas party?

The PCU Christmas party.

You're not invited?

No.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're doing a Christmas party.

It's at Zolar's house this year.

Yeah, is he paying for us to go out there?

Yeah, he is.

He said last night.

Then he better fucking invite me.

And he's got that Amsterdam weed, apparently.

He gets mailed in to him somehow.

He better invite me.

And then I probably want that Kinect.

He owes us.

He owes us big.

Hopefully he does a show tomorrow night.

I don't know if he is for sure or not, but he's...

When I get back from playing basketball, I will listen.

Okay, you're going to play basketball at night?

Yeah, well, I play this on the court.

Okay.

I go out there, and I lug my 300-pound body up and down the court.

Man, oh, man.

I'm ready to go, so if I get a heart attack, I'm fine with it.

Do you have any hot dogs at the Cubs game?

No, I don't eat anything at the ballpark.

It's just expensive.

It's like $3.75 for a hot dog, $5.75 for a 16-ounce beer.

I paid $5.75 for my six 16-ounce beers just now.

Dude, at the arena last night, I bought one thing of bottled water.

Guess how much it cost me.

$3.25.

No, $2.75.

Might as well have been $325,000.

Did you turn on the things yet?

That's the only thing I did.

No, that's my mom.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Why you don't answer?

My mom loves me.

You're just jealous about me.

We need to be taking calls and making calls so we can not have her call.

She's told me, like, on Friday before,

I was trying to call you last night.

The phone was busy, busy, busy.

I don't understand why.

She doesn't know I do a show every day.

No, that's gay phone sex night.

I'm going to go grab another beer.

All right, man.

I'll be back.

Have fun with that.

I'll continue on.

all right sorry for the slow start everybody we're trying to get to it new new now new new

has sent me has not sent me anything new new says there's some kind of anti-abortionist conference

oh he has sent it to me okay this music's killing me this might be a little better

not in the mood for that other song tonight he says there's some anti-abortion conference going

on right now uh featured speakers uh some guy a co-host of the beltway boys on fox news uh

the author of the book

The Party of Death, The Democrats,

The Media, The Courts, and That's Too Long.

You know, if your book doesn't have...

If your book has more than five words

in the title, Andy, that's a bunch of shit.

Just that guy, the PCU

Christmas Party. Is it just for people

who are on the air?

Because I want to feel special. I don't...

Well, it's for hosts

and VIPs.

That's me. I'm a host, technically, right?

Yeah, you're a co-host.

And VIPs. You're a sidekick.

I'm not a sidekick.

Yeah, I know you love that sidekick shit.

The only place I've ever been a sidekick to you is on this stupid show.

Is that it?

Everywhere else we go, I'm the one in charge.

You're the one in charge.

You make the decisions.

I start out orders.

I'm very Aryan, and I have a strong jaw.

Carlos will get me that.

On the other hand, you throw up, and you fall down.

That happened once.

And you piss on people's porches.

That happened once, and that's not true.

It never happened.

So, yeah, like I said before, join the chat room.

Call in to show.

The toll-free line is now open.

and the toll free line is

1-888-278-8509

that toll free line is enabled

so call in

Lonesome Loser in the chat room has confirmed a bunch of numbers

here as usual

like I said before we have this anti-abortion

fucking thing

which means we're going to be calling a hotel

and none of these people are going to be staying there

and we'll just prank the lady

at the front desk and I guess that'll work

he says I should accuse them of exceeding their credit card limit

by watching too many pay-per-view porn movies

Okay.

It's a good idea, Nunu.

It might just work.

Wilson Loser has sent in numbers to the following businesses.

We have Howdy Doody's Tavern, Polka Dot Stop.

We have Jackass Acres, Jackass Cafe, Jackass Inn.

A Jackass theme tonight, Jackass Saloon and EA.

We got a new wall over here.

Mesbix.

Munchkin Junk.

Where'd you get this?

What's that?

Oh.

I've had that since Christmas.

I never used it.

Someone gave it to you?

Yeah, someone got it.

Did they put money in it?

No.

That's classless.

Yeah, I know.

It's bullshit.

Where's the other phone?

There's only...

Oh, here.

There's supposed to be another one, right?

Right here.

Oh, all right.

Another one on there.

Prancing Pony Cafe Bar, 7-Elevens.

Cafe.

Fancy Pants, Circle K's.

We've got a few casinos here in Arizona.

Okay, so we've got plenty to work with.

But if you have someone you want us to prank call, do so.

Not yourself, but as in send that to us.

You can reach us at the previous mentioned methods.

And I'll repeat them later in the night.

We need to keep going.

In the chat room, some guy named Tacos has sent numbers in for John Paul Zapata.

I think this is...

We always get numbers from that guy.

This is poof.

He changes his name every week.

Do you think that's cool?

I don't know.

Why can't he just stick to a name, man?

Stick to one name.

Pimslut wants the number.

I told you already.

1-888-278-8509.

He lives in Spring Hill.

He says he's in Orlando.

He's still in Orlando.

Chappelle's still in Orlando.

He lives in Spring Hill.

I think he's in Orlando tonight.

Really?

Well, good.

He should come over now, man.

And he'll give you a foot massage.

He's good at that, too.

As long as his feet aren't disgusting like yours.

You want to give me a foot massage?

I'll rub your wart.

My wart?

That's nasty.

My wart.

You get another wart.

Those things are contagious.

Anybody else send me numbers that I should know about?

Pimp Slut sent me a number.

Home Homegrown sent me a number for the Mad Hatter.

He has to call in tonight so he can plug his show.

We're asking if he's going to do anything funny.

Mad Hatter knows him as Johnny Roach is all confirmed.

Okay.

All right, man.

Let's move on here.

Please don't call hotels.

That's always the most boring shit ever.

It never works out.

That is from Crazy Heretic on AOL Instant Messenger.

That's his thing.

Someone is telling you, Andy, that they'll suck your dick.

Wow, I hope it's a girl.

Yeah, I hope it is a girl, man.

And if it's not a girl, you need to shave real close and put on a pretty wig.

You need to tuck it in, too.

Tuck it in for us, lady.

Tuck it in, sir.

Clone Homegrown wants us to call this Mad Hatter guy.

Didn't we call some guy named Mad Hatter once?

It's the same one, I think.

I think I called this guy.

Had a weird conversation with him, I think.

Is he like a personality of some kind?

I think he's some kind of online gamer.

That's his name, Mad Hatter.

Let's call him now.

Well, all right.

Let's call him, and then we'll do that hotel for the conference.

Confirmed his name is Marty.

Don't know how long he will stay on, but me and Claude called him a few days ago, and he gets pretty angry.

That's always good.

We like angry.

We definitely like angry.

We'll call him in a little bit here.

Hang on, everybody.

First call of the night is coming right up.

What kind of rock music do you guys sing?

Rock music?

Yeah, we should listen to rock music today.

We should.

Do you like Zeppelin?

I don't know.

I don't think so.

Probably not.

Stairway to Heaven?

No.

Okay.

You need to get Immigrants on.

Just remember that

Okay

What about Pink Floyd

No you only got that one song

You got the worst

What about ACDC

Dirty Deeds is good

Dirty Deeds is a good song

Alright we'll play Dirty Deeds then

Alright

That's for you Andy

Happy birthday Andy

We're right back everybody

My birthday is next month

It's uh

9th

July 9th

Oh good

We'll have to do a special show

Is that a Thursday

I guess it's Sunday

That sucks

It's not like

Once His Face Ever Goes On

We want to do a birthday show

Yeah

We want to do a birthday show

Over uh

A stupid Canadian show

We can't

Who gives a fuck if we fuck Canada?

Not to push Canada.

Hi, this is Raymond.

Please leave a message.

What a fact.

To leave a voice message.

Why that voice message?

Great, great, great beginning.

Great beginning.

Thank you.

Clone Homegrown.

We got great things going for you with your new show.

Just keep that up, man.

Hopefully he'll pick up later.

Maybe we'll try to call him later, right?

Okay.

He makes me a guy who gets really angry.

Some guy named Marty.

We can try to call him.

Call him as Eddie.

Okay.

Yeah, everybody knows Eddie.

Really?

That's your best voice?

Yo, what the fuck?

Is that it?

I like the Eddie voice, and I like when you put the marker in your mouth to pretend you're

slightly fatter than you are.

Pretend that I'm slightly fatter.

Yeah, I was going to pretend you're fat, but...

Damn it.

You see, you admit it.

I'm a skinny, good-looking guy's ladies.

I'm really...

You're going bald, huh?

I'm going bald, yes.

Yes.

I don't know why.

It's in the horrible.

Like, look right here.

This is receding.

Yeah.

But in my family, we always lose that a little bit.

You see, my brother, he's lost that already.

Has he?

I didn't know that.

See, you know, we just get that little, what's it called, a widow's feet?

Yeah.

I don't care.

I'm sexy anyway.

Yeah.

I used to have a good hair.

I'm the best looking man who listens to, you know, involved in this whole thing.

I have the worst, worst fucking hair.

People saying what's up to us on AOL.

Thank you.

What's up, man?

What's up, STO Steve 7?

What's up, man?

Okay.

Anyway, we're getting out and calling Marty, right?

Yep.

Hang on, folks.

Let's get angry, everybody.

I'm on her.

I have to stop beeping.

There's a new story here.

What is it now?

I just read it come up on the ticker.

Eminem divorce proceedings held in private.

Already?

Hasn't he been getting divorced since like 1998 or something like that?

I bet you that girl, Kim, has probably got like 90% of his money right now.

Probably.

He's divorced her like five times.

They're always getting divorced.

You know they want each other.

He's not even relevant anymore.

No, he's not.

Hello?

Hey, man, speak with Marty, please.

You are.

I am?

Yeah.

Okay.

You have a hard time hearing me?

I got a hard time hearing.

I had my eardrums blown out in Vietnam.

You had your ears blown out in Vietnam?

Yeah.

Who's that?

Okay.

My name is Carlito.

I'm a friend of Doc Brown.

Who?

Dr. Brown.

Who might that be?

Dr. Brown, old friend of yours.

You don't remember him?

Drives a DeLorean?

Marty?

No.

You might have the wrong Marty, wrong number.

No, this is Marty.

This is the Marty that I'm talking to, and you took that trip, remember?

Back in the 60s, 50s, 50s, 55.

Remember that?

Why don't you just come true with what it is that you did in 1955?

This is weird.

Marty, tell me the truth about 1955.

Again, I forgot to do the Eddie voice from the beginning.

Hey, we talked to that Jewish rabbi, remember her?

I came on to her.

I was hitting on her.

Marilee Gordon, might call her later.

Let's call Nunu's number, because he has a curfew.

He's in Britain. It's like 5 o'clock in the morning.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

This is Dolly. How may I direct your call?

Yes. Good evening. I have an urgent call for Mr. Fred Barnes, please.

One moment.

Thank you. Oh my God, he's there.

Mr. Barnes?

Yes.

Hiya, sir. How you doing?

Have a question about your position on stem cell research.

We're trying to get a statement.

Who is this?

Sir?

Yeah.

Mr. John Masters?

Yeah.

a local talk station, 24 hours on the FM dial.

Okay.

And we also stream live on the internets.

Okay.

Well, I'm for adult stem cell research.

I'm against embryonic stem cell research.

You're against embryonic stem cell research.

Now, how should we get these stem cells, per se, from the bone marrow?

I'm not, you get them, I'm not positive.

You know, they say they're finding them a lot in hair follicles, they say.

Hair follicles.

There they are.

Not news to me.

Isn't it amazing, though, sir, that the hair follicles themselves might lead to the cure for baldness?

I'm not worried about that.

Okay.

So, you're the executive editor of the Weekly Standard, and you're the co-host of the Beltway Boys on Fox News.

Is that correct?

Indeed.

Sir, you have plenty of male homosexual fans out there who think you're very hot.

What do you say to those male fans who look forward to possibly speaking and maybe dating you in the future?

Forget it.

You're nothing, sir.

These are your fans.

Barnes, please, do not go.

This is urgent news.

Everybody, Fred Barnes, co-host of the Beltway Boys on the Fox News channel.

I don't know why Andy's got to have his loud conversation.

Right?

Or we can all hear it.

Everybody hearing this conversation.

That's fucked up.

Eli's a black guy he's talking to.

He's like, oh, hello there.

Hello there, Andy.

Sorry about that.

All right, everybody.

Tacos asked me to call a bunch of places here.

apparently it's this guy named poop who's always in the chat room he's got a few numbers for us

to call maybe we'll get to those i would like to place another call to this um convention because

apparently this convention the people speaking are staying there at the hotel itself so let's

continue with that we're going to try to call um let's see here yeah ram ramish panuru a senior

editor for national for the national review and the author of the book the party of death

the Democrats, media, courts, and the disregard of human life.

I butchered that grammatically saying it to you all, but you know what I mean.

We'll be right back with the next prank call of the night.

It was coming up.

That's cool.

What?

Thank you for calling Sheridan Music City.

This is Monica.

How may I direct your call?

Did they all hear me networking?

I don't know.

Yes.

Ramesh Ponnuru, please.

Remember him?

Spell that last name.

P-O-N-N-U-R-U.

That's pea as in spoon.

All right.

Thank you.

Chaponudo?

Yes.

Am I pronouncing that correct?

Yeah.

Hey, sir, I'm calling from the hotel.

Number one, we're doing a quick survey.

How are you enjoying the service so far?

So good.

Great.

We would love to offer you a complimentary basket, courtesy from the hotel manager, if you're interested, sir.

Sure.

Do you prefer champagne or wine?

Wine.

Okay.

All right.

That also comes with two boxes of Durex condoms.

Do you prefer the lubricated or non?

I'm not going to need those.

You're not going to need them?

Yep.

Okay.

You're not concerned about safe sex or contraception at all?

Well, my wife's not here with me.

Oh, okay.

So it's just those guys tonight, huh?

Yeah.

That's pretty nice, right?

You like, so you like the bareback, sir?

Excuse me, who are you?

I'm the hotel manager.

My name is Jack Valente.

I'm friends with Glenn Zolarski.

Who?

Glenn Zolarski.

He's the owner of the hotel, sir.

He's the guy who's responsible for you

Coming down here for the convention

Oh, that's great

So it's just us guys tonight?

Yeah, apparently so

Okay, so how would you like to start out?

I think I'm done here, thanks

I'm not done yet, I'm just getting started

If he was Canadian, he might have stayed on longer, I think

Please enter the number you wish to call

Anyway, Nunu said he's seen that guy on TV

I'm talking to people, I don't know who the fuck they are

Please enter the number you wish to call

I don't know, Ramesh Panuru

He doesn't sound like an Indian, does he?

Nah, he...

If you can't hear me, don't ask me questions if you don't have the fuckin' mic turned on.

That's fine, say it.

He doesn't sound like a... like a Hindu.

He didn't even know what I was gonna do.

You were soaked, be audible. Through that phone.

Bitch ass.

Yes, Ms. Conway, please.

Conway? Yes, Conway.

That's C as in spoon.

I'm not sure of the listing for that person.

Um, perhaps Ms. O'Neal?

Gary O'Neal.

But he checked out

Gary O'Neal

That's not who we were looking for though

Why don't you put me through to Mr. Barnes then

Okay

Fred Barnes

Let me transfer you

Very well

Please leave your name and a message

You may start your message now

Whoa

Who's that?

I have an S-Body though

Alright those guys aren't going to answer anymore

That was cool

Nigga in the chatroom says

Play some ghetto music essay

I don't really have any ghetto music

This is a hotel calling by

What do they call that?

I don't know

It's a cell phone from New York.

It's Glenn Zolarski, everybody.

Motherfucker.

You're on the air.

Yes, this is Mr. Glenn Zolarski.

I did not like my name being used in such profanity in phone calls.

Yeah, well, why don't you give us your social security number and we'll stop.

Yeah.

You know what, man?

You were on the right track with that fucking hotel thing.

Why don't you call and say that fucking, you know, you're the manager of the hotel

and there's been a disturbance in the hotel and complimentary bottle of wine or champagne.

And then, of course, call down as if you're that room and order a bottle of champagne.

Zolar, I was copying exactly what you did to Jack Valente, as a matter of fact.

That was my homage to Zolar right there.

That's exactly what it was.

It was awesome.

I was laughing, and I'm saying, fucking definitely order him a bottle of champagne

the next person that you, you know, find out what their room number is.

Yeah, do I have your room number correct?

Okay, no, no, it's 408.

Yeah, I don't know who else is here.

Apparently, Miss O'Neil is not there.

That's the only other person I have.

You can call the fucking Hindu back.

I don't know if he'll fall for it now.

You think he will?

No, he's just going back.

You want to call him, Zohar?

You want to try to mess with this guy?

Zohar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The guy that you just fucking asked if you wanted to dab that condom, right?

Yeah.

Tell him that you're calling from management and someone's been prank calling

and asking for his, in the process of apologizing, asking for his room number.

Yeah, no, I got this.

You got this, Zohar.

Oh!

Wait, wait, before we do that.

Zohar, what's up?

I heard we're having a party.

He made that up, man.

Christmas party.

Zohar, you're having a Christmas party for PCU?

Yeah, Zohar will do it.

That's why I brought it up.

Zohar, you got to fire one up there, and then we're going to smoke your weed.

I'm going to sleep on your couch.

I'll take your weeks to smoke out of the mouth of this shit.

I'll do it.

I'm down.

Sounds like a challenge.

All right, man.

To get my instant message, I was like, hi, Andy, welcome back, and fuck you, you faggot Carlito.

Oh, man.

I didn't see that.

Let's see that.

That's not true.

Find that, Carl.

Oh, let me see here.

Yeah!

Carlito killing himself.

I'm sending you, go back to your computer if you're not there now.

I'm going to send you the information for the guy we're calling, all right?

He's of the party of death?

Well, that's the name of the book that he wrote.

Hang on, I only see GM.

You remember Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom?

That's him.

He tried to...

That guy.

He pulled the heart out and it was beating.

Yeah, that's awesome

Ask him if he knows what that means

While you're talking

What does um num shabum mean by the way dude

Alright Zolar, hang on man

We're going to do this right now

Let me send you the hotel so you know what it is

In case that comes up

So you know where it is that you're calling

Where is the Sheraton Music City

Do you think that's

Nashville right

It's a pro-abortionist

I think it's anti-abortionist

I'm sorry, anti-abortion.

They're pro-life.

Just a small mistake in that.

Okay.

Yeah, just a little bit.

That was completely your opposite.

I'm pro-life for white female fetuses.

Man, what?

Only.

Yeah, everyone else is.

The baby's mine.

I'm pro-choice.

Other than that, fuck it.

Whose choice?

My choice.

Kill it.

Oh, my God.

Is that what you and Athena were arguing about Sunday night?

That's exactly what we're arguing about Sunday night.

I don't need that kind of...

That would be not nice.

You're on time out.

Baby tastes like pork.

It does not taste like pork.

It tastes like turtle.

Let's do the call.

Hang on, Zolar.

We'll be right back.

Zolar.

Yeah.

Good evening, Shambhuji City.

This is Dolly.

How may I direct your call?

Mr. Ponnuru's room, please.

It's P-O-N-N-U-R-U.

Thank you.

Transferring.

What's so disgusting?

Toilet.

My toilet?

He's got fucking mold all around him.

I haven't cleaned the toilet in like three weeks.

He's moldy.

He's got a fucking moldy toilet.

Like, you knew I was coming over tonight.

Why wouldn't you go just, like, take the fucking brush and rub it around the side real quick?

Hello?

Yes, Mr. Panumru?

Yes.

Hi, this is Zolot Glenski from the hotel.

I just got information from one of my monitoring staff that they monitored a phone call that came into your room for complimentary wine or champagne.

Yeah.

And somebody was inappropriate.

Yeah.

I'm sorry for that, sir, and just to make sure that you had a comfortable stay,

I'd like to apologize for the time for that phone call.

The reason for the champagne and wine, it was due to the fact that we had a disturbance in the hotel lobby,

and it seemed to upset some of the guests,

so everybody in the hotel this evening will be receiving this complimentary bottle of wine or champagne,

and along with that was a survey that we were doing throughout the week about condoms

that we were sponsoring one of the condom companies.

I'm sorry that they were both mixed together on you.

Okay.

All right, so now, once again, are you interested in the complimentary bottle of wine and or is it the champagne?

You know, I'm fine.

I don't need either.

Thank you.

Actually, we could actually send a hooker up if you'd like.

He and I can be white with you.

He's already hung up.

Motherfucker.

Please enter the number.

You wish me well.

You saw I sent you a bunch of other numbers.

A bunch of other people were staying there, actually.

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

Please enter the number.

I'm getting a call.

No, I'll call you right back because it keeps beeping through on your airwaves

every time I get the fucking call waiting.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Okay, I hear that.

All right.

This is the dead probably.

This is the dead.

And let me tell whoever...

Please try your call again.

Okay, man.

We'll be here.

Jesus.

God, that crazy, crazy, crazy bitch.

Yeah, your toilet's disgusting.

Yeah, you know what?

I was worried about that.

I meant to come home earlier to clean the toilet.

Honestly, I meant to.

I don't know if you saw

I had the toilet cleaner there

No I didn't see

I almost retched

When I looked at

Cause not only is it moldy

There's like

There's like mold on the side

But like the mold is like

Like floating in the water

Yeah

It's mildew

It's disgusting

It's that mildew stuff

That gets on me

I think it's cause you have

A low iron content

In your piss

That has nothing to do

With it man

It might be

That's crazy

Or maybe it's cause you

Sit down when you pee

Like a young girl

I don't sit down

When I pee

That's gay man

You sit down when you piss

No

When I piss

Piss splashes all up out of the toilet everywhere, so I'm so magnificent.

Is that why you sit down when you pee?

No, I stand up and I just let it go everywhere.

Do you put the lid down when you flush the toilet, at least?

No, I leave it on.

I don't care.

That's nasty.

You can't do that.

All that sprays up and gets everywhere.

Good.

That's not good.

That's bad.

If you walk in there, you can smell my scent.

It gets on your toothbrush.

Do you keep your toothbrush out in the bathroom?

No, my toothbrush is kept behind in those little mirror cabinets.

I keep it there.

Okay, good idea.

Because you're sharing that bathroom with some other guys.

Yeah, I share it with a drunk.

Yeah, you don't want to do that, man.

With a drunk, he's always peeing.

Dude, he goes to the bathroom so much, it's disgusting.

That's right.

Very, very, very good.

All right.

I think it's Pimpslet.

What the hell is that?

A fucking cat?

A cat likes me now.

I love that.

Good evening.

Yo.

What's up?

Pimpslet?

Yo, yo, yo, dawg.

Yo, yo, yo.

Okay.

What's the dealie?

What's crackin', honky?

What's crack-a-lady?

Nothing, man.

What's a bit bad?

You know, I walked out of my last job, Popeyes, man.

That's a bad career choice, Pimp Slut.

Did the black people make fun of you?

Next time you go to Popeyes, you're going to have to start at the bottom.

Yeah, I know, man.

Oh, it's horrible.

I can't imagine you getting another of that kind of job.

I work at Sears now, dawg.

What do you work at?

What's that, dawg?

Sears, man.

Sears?

I get paid to do nothing.

A firmness of action, bitch.

Okay.

Are you working at the black mall?

What?

Oh, you're working in the black mall?

It's pretty much a Sears kind of something, but yeah, there's a lot of black people there.

Okay.

Oh, you're one of the stand-alone Sears?

Yeah.

Okay.

What, are you slinging rocks out of the back?

Yeah, dawg.

That's how I do.

That's how I work.

Pimsleur's dedicated.

Pimsleur's dedicated to PCU, and we laugh at his expense, and it's worth it.

He doesn't even, he's like, yeah, man.

Are you still in high school, man?

Yeah.

Yo, yo, yo, kicking in 10th grade, dawg.

No, 12th, dawg.

Yeah, he drives, don't you drive, like, into, like, another county to go to school on purpose?

So you don't get beat up, right?

Right.

Not much, dog.

This kid.

This guy.

Anyway, so what else is going on, man?

I got back into PCU.

I was gone for, like, three months.

Yeah, no notice.

I never said one thing, but I was like, where's Pimps on?

Everybody was like, where the hell's Pimps on?

What were you doing?

Were you chilling with your homies?

No, I just kind of just, like, left.

I don't know.

Okay.

I know you don't have anything to do, so I don't accept that.

What were you doing?

He was working at Sears, man.

He was working at Popeye's in Sears.

Did you go to Popeye's so you could try to, like, be more black?

Like, get involved with the black race more?

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

Yeah.

You're trying to learn.

Popeye's, just because all my friends were working there, man.

Oh, your friends were at Popeye's?

Yeah, man.

Oh, my God.

We used to hug people up like crazy.

Yo, yo, yo, Popeye's, Popeye's in the house, dog.

Popeye's posse.

I like that rice and beans that you got there.

What did you have there?

Is Popeye's where they have the potatoes?

No, that's KFC.

They all do.

KFC's way better than Popeye's.

KFC's not chicken, though.

KFC's not, no.

Not chicken, half road.

Pimp's a lot of gris and meat.

Where's the best chicken at?

Publix, right?

Dog.

We've talked about this, and the subs, the best subs, better than Subway, Publix.

You've got to go to Publix, man.

If I remember right, you look like...

Yeah, they put it on the grill right there, and they put that butter shit on the grill.

Yeah, man, that's good.

That is good, man.

Publix, you guys are missing out up north. I think Publix is only here in Florida.

Yeah, it's like Florida.

Man!

There's like a million of them.

You're kicking it with your peeps in Big Peach, huh?

In Atlanta.

What?

In the ghetto.

Joe Georgia.

Looks like he has a white casino.

Yeah, I saw a picture of him.

You saw his MySpace?

Yeah, he looks like Anthony Edwards from Revenge of the Nerds.

Hey, what's with that video on your MySpace with a bunch of kids eating Jell-O?

Oh, that's at lunch, dawg.

Oh, so that was your lunch break?

I swear to you, it's a bunch of dudes eating Jell-O in the lunchroom, making weird faces.

Your video is a bunch of dudes in the lunchroom eating green Jell-O, and at one point, this one starts rubbing the other one's face.

Oh.

I mean, is that...

Like, probably back in high school, you probably had, like, a 30-minute lunch, right?

Uh, no, we...

Oh, I remember.

Probably, like, 15, 30 minutes.

Maybe.

Somewhere around there, right?

Yeah, something like that, yeah.

We get an hour lunch.

The hell?

They don't let you leave, though.

There's nothing to do.

Like, we eat lunch for 15 minutes, and there's, like, nothing to do after that.

Hmm.

You guys go in the bathroom and do a circle jerk, huh?

Yeah, that's pretty much all there is to do.

Wow.

Nice.

You run the trainer into football, too.

He knows.

How many, uh, you go to an all-white high school, right, Tim Flutt?

Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah, I figured.

Because, you know, if you go to a mixed high school, you don't talk like that.

They beat you up, right?

I was born in the burbs, dog.

You got that Burbs cred, huh?

Burbs cred.

Dude, you want to do a prank call, man, before we, uh...

Before you get to your bedtime?

It's the summer, man.

And besides, I ain't got no bedtime.

What you talking about?

Fool.

You're supposed to say fool.

And school's out for summer, man.

Oh, yeah.

I don't realize that anymore.

Who made that song, School's...

Uh, was it Alice Cooper?

Alice Cooper.

We got to get that song.

We got to play that.

It's Pimpslow's...

Pimpslow, did you see Chappelle in Clearwater?

Clearwater, yeah.

Is that where you saw him?

I saw him last night here in Orlando.

He did a pretty good show.

My friend went to see the one in Orlando.

Did he do the joke about jacking off eating cereal at the same time?

Which one was that?

He said he jacks off eating cereal at the same time.

He didn't talk about that?

Oh, that was fucking great.

Yeah, yeah.

That was kind of nasty.

He was doing the visuals and everything, Andy.

It was kind of bad.

You ever eat while you take a shit?

No.

No?

No, not really.

No.

I've eaten cereal once on the shitter.

Really?

Yeah, and it was, yeah.

puffs when I was taking a shit.

I was really late for work

and I didn't have any bread to make a

sandwich, so I had to eat cereal.

That's my story. Maybe I should have just skipped breakfast.

But, um, yeah.

Okay, so what's Ryan's story?

What's this guy all about? Oh, you can't call

them before. He did. He worked

at Popeye's and, uh...

He's part of the Popeye's boss?

He called them before, like, back in the day.

Is that the guy who was black who wouldn't

admit that he was black? Oh, no, that was my

manager. Oh, that was hilarious

I walked in there the other day and I was like, what's up, cracker?

Cracker.

You're so gangster.

What kind of gun do you have, Pimp Slut?

Gun?

Yeah.

I got a 9mm.

No, you don't.

Is he your daddy?

He's not mine, but I have it.

Are your parents still married?

No.

Oh, at least he's got that going for him from a broken home.

White people love to get divorced.

That's kind of ghetto.

You're kind of ghetto in that respect, Pimp Slut.

White people love to get divorced.

How much do your parents pay for that house?

How much does your house cost?

The house I'm living in now?

Probably a good quarter mil.

Enough.

More than that?

What, how much did you really want me to pay?

Yeah.

Eh, I'd pay like $330,000 or something.

Oh, look at that.

Since they signed on it, it went up more, I guess.

The whiteness is coming out.

Yeah.

The market values are rapidly inflating in this neighborhood,

and I think that the real estate bubble is not going to burst,

and we're going to make a lot of money on this house.

Yo, yo, yo, what?

My neighbor, like six houses down, tried to break into all the cars in my neighborhood.

Ain't that some shit?

I don't know.

Is he black?

No, he's not.

I confronted him with a super soaker and he ran away.

No, man.

He didn't want what I was packing.

My dad brought out his gun and he was going to shoot him.

I was like, hold up.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, pops.

Forget that fool.

Yo, Louis Farrakhan says that we should kill each other.

That's pretty much how it went down.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I called the cops.

My dad called the cops.

The cops came in 30 seconds.

Wow, man.

Wow.

You know he's rich.

Must be a nice day for him.

Yeah, you know he's rich.

If I called the cops, they won't be here for like an hour, man.

Yeah.

I could be having a heart attack right now.

There's like 12 cops in like the K-9 unit and shit.

And like, but like they found out we were black and we made the call so they didn't arrest the guys.

They said he had a good reason.

I don't know why.

They found out you were black?

Yeah.

You're not really black.

They searched him.

Yeah, dawg.

I think that's a defense.

Yeah, you're white.

I hope you're white.

Toledo.

Yes, sir.

You know.

You're not black, man.

You're not black.

I see your picture.

Go on AIM.

Go on AIM, dog.

AIM.

On Hillwell Instant Messenger, Crazy Heretic says, and I quote,

Pimp Slut sucks.

Please hang up on that idiot.

He's boring as hell.

I agree with him.

He could suck a dick.

Oh, wow, man.

Pimp Slut is kind of boring.

Yeah, well, I'm not saying.

So that was your most dangerous time, huh?

Like, your dad had a gun, he was about to shoot a kid.

No.

Did you feel, did you tell all your friends how hardcore you guys are?

You're so white, dude.

No way, dad.

Don't get crazy, man.

All right, let's do a prank.

Piss off, you're going to do a prank call.

Oh, let's put some music on and have them freestyle for us.

No, I can't.

That was back in the day.

I can't do that.

That was back in the day.

That was when I was 12.

That was like four months ago.

Four months ago was back in the day when you're living life fast.

in the Clearwater hood.

Alright. I'll be in Clearwater in

two weekends. On the 4th of July, I'm going to

Clearwater, man. Clearwater. Oh, really?

Clearwater, yes, sir. Hit me up, dawg. Yo, word, dawg.

Go visit Pistola, yo, kid.

Let's do that. We'll get some ice cream.

It's, uh,

alright, here. I got a picture. You're gonna

wash your ass off, okay? Alright, I accepted

it. Okay. Alright, we'll see

it here. You want to do your prank call? What do you

want to call it? I got 7-Eleven. I got Circle K.

I got some casinos.

I've got a place called Fancy Pants.

Funds, you pants.

What else do I have?

I've got some places called Jackass.

Oh, no.

Since I worked at Sears, I know the extension number to get on that loudspeaker, but they're closed now.

Oh, damn it, man.

Maybe there's someone in there, though, at least a cleaning crew and stuff.

Do you get that?

Yeah.

Picture?

I'd have to open it up.

Trillion inbound.

Okay.

So who do you want to call, then, man?

Do you want to call a 7-Eleven?

Do you want to call a casino?

I'm telling you what I got.

Circle K?

Uh, I could call it 7-Eleven, but I really wouldn't know what to say besides the whole slurpy shit.

Oh, man.

How about Fancy Pants?

Trust me, you can try...

Hopefully you can do something with that.

Uh-oh, Andy's chiming in.

Why don't you just call him and tell him you're a stupid dork and that's nothing to say?

That'd be funny.

Oh, 7-Eleven, I'm a stupid white dork wigger and that's nothing to say.

Hey, I'm just trying to spark a conversation and see if I can get to that topic.

It won't work.

We can try it.

It won't work.

Okay, pick your city in Utah.

Riverton, Vernal, Moriarty, and there it is.

Go for the Moriarty.

Oh, that's actually a circle K.

So by default, we'll call it Vernal.

Division of South Corp.

Call it Panty Panty, whatever.

Call a fucking number.

Fancy Pants.

An ignorant bitch answered at 9.

Here's what a lonesome loser says.

An ignorant bitch answered at 9.45 p.m.

This is going to be fast, so try to drag this one out.

Everybody will be right back with Pimsleur and a prank call

Right after this

MadhouseLive.com

Zola's probably fucking trying to call back

Yeah he is

Hang on folks

I think Fancy Pants is closed.

Thank you for calling Fancy Pants.

We are currently a sister to your name and message for the beach.

I'll lose my cherry.

My associate here will entertain you with some rap music.

Go ahead, Fancy Pants.

MC Fancy Pants.

Go ahead.

MC Fancy Pants.

Rap, you little faggot.

Come on.

What's that you fuckin' dork?

Say stuff like that, man.

Okay, he wants to see his gay picture.

This is all in his message. Let's just keep talking until the bitch comes back.

Alright, yeah, let's see this picture.

Let's see this damn picture.

Hang on, I'm working on it. It's freezing up everything.

What's your name again online? What's your online shit?

Most undead

What?

Death

Most death

That's most retarded

Or most gay

You really hate this kid

Don't you?

He pissed you off

That one night

Did he?

I don't know

If he did or not

We don't have anything

From you

Yeah we don't have

Anything from you

What's the name

Of the file and shit?

I just sent it

God damn

I'm not gonna do it again

You're lying man

What is the name

Of the file?

He doesn't understand

English

Pimps lots of fuck

Tell him to suck my dick

Little titty slap

Laugh that fucker.

Get off the phone with him.

Let Zorro back on.

Jesus Christ.

You talk a lot of shit for being a little bitch, huh?

Yeah, you tell him.

Oh, here's the picture.

What the hell is Clansman?

He's a dork.

Is that you on the right or on the left?

You got some thick fucking glasses, huh?

Oh, that's like ninth grade, man.

That's ninth grade, man.

Ninth grade, man.

What are you wearing?

I hit puberty since then.

You're wearing the white shirt like a black guy, too, man.

Or an Italian.

You look very Italian.

No, he doesn't.

He wishes it's Italian.

The Italians are like, you know, 116th black.

He wishes he was Italian.

Well, that's something right there.

That's a pretty bold statement, Pimpslut.

Pimpslut, you're the biggest dork on PCU, and that's saying a lot, buddy.

Yeah, I'm not lying.

This is all on the message that's being left to Fancy Pimps.

Is it still going?

It's still going, yeah.

She hasn't come back yet.

So, Pimpslut, were you in the running for the Tuesday night show?

They might have given it to you or what?

What?

Were you trying to get your own show?

Were you trying to get a show?

I don't want to hear that, man.

That sucks.

That sucks?

Sucks?

Skype.

Oh, no, I'm saying, why didn't you try to get a show?

It's going to last one week.

Maybe one week.

Well, well.

It's going to be done.

Who?

Over a week.

Yo, that's fucked up.

What, you don't like him?

That's fucked up, yo.

We like Claude Oberon.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Everybody stop talking.

We're going to call 7-Eleven now, all right?

All right, I'm going to go get another beer.

You can get some more milk, Pimpslut.

One hour, two minutes.

7-Eleven in Utah.

Good luck, Pimpslut.

It's a Latina girl.

I know you like them and the Miller Lite plastic 7-eleven. How are you today? Good?

Yes, we have cup noodles. Yeah, can you check and see what the price is 99 cents 99 cents?

Yeah, okay

If you have any so be energy drink, we have a lot here sir, because I have a lot of customers just come here

I have to find out.

What's right here?

Hold on, please.

Paggies, man.

They know the price of everything in the store at the top of their head.

I did that to a bag of gum, too.

I can't come down there.

Mom put me on restriction.

Restriction.

What is that, a mac in the hose?

Look at that white girl.

She's got a corona.

How old is that girl?

How old is that girl drinking in that picture of you?

Her arms are probably twice as large as Pimp's lunch.

Look at her arms on that girl.

She looks like a linebacker.

Someone just hung up.

I don't know who did.

Hey, Pimpy, you there?

Yeah.

Mom walked in the room and found me with my finger up my ass and she hung up.

Mom said to stop shaving myself in the shower.

Hey, Tim Slott, we're looking at a picture of you with a girl. Did you peel that back?

Tim Slott!

Damn it.

We're looking at a picture of you with a girl. Did you peel that back?

What?

Did you peel that back?

Oh my God.

Just turn that fucking thing off.

I can't do it if you're talking.

Hear you.

Okay, now you can hear.

Alright, Tim Slott.

We're looking at a picture of you with a girl. Did you peel that back?

Your MySpace picture of some chick with her arm around you?

That's the only time I've ever touched a girl besides my grandma.

I hate you so gay.

Pimps, let me translate for you.

Andy's asking if you hooked up with a girl who's hugging you with a corona in her hand.

Oh, that hoe, man.

You don't hook up with a hoe.

You're such a liar.

You don't buffer the hoes.

Why did I tell you?

They're stained white.

What?

You're so stupid.

We hate you.

All right, Pimps, we're going to let you go, man.

Thanks for calling.

Yeah, I know.

No, because I don't feel like hearing Andy's shit and whatnot.

And whatnot.

And what have you.

Look at you there.

And whatnot.

All right, keep it black, Pimp Slut.

Yeah, you're right in our book.

Andy, write his name down in the book.

Low, low, low.

Pimp Slut in the book.

All right, Pimp Slut.

I'm going to play this one for her.

It's Pimp Slut.

Man, keep it black.

Pimp Slut, everybody.

I don't want to hear Andy's shit anymore.

That was Pimp Slut, everybody, for what it's worth.

How long did we talk to Pimp Slut for?

For an hour.

I know, seriously.

so he's always going to call right back

and Pimpsle gets on there

and we just start ragging on him.

Speaking of ragging,

Clone Homegrown says that

he hugged his grandma

and got a raging boner today.

Maybe he's talking in Pimpsle's voice.

Oh, yeah, okay.

So that wasn't him.

Grandma's got a big rack.

I like it.

Anyone who's cold in the room,

if you know what I'm talking about.

Joop says that you had

the best fucking commentary.

Oh, thank you.

That's great.

Joop, you're a stupid kid, too.

He doesn't mean to you.

Call in.

If you haven't noticed, I hate young people.

Why?

Because they haven't fucked up yet in their life like we have?

Yeah, they still have, like, ambition and, like...

They're still innocent.

Yeah, they haven't, uh...

So that's Jupe, googly moogly?

They haven't fucked up their credit yet.

Yeah.

Yeah, that makes me so fucking jealous, man.

It will happen soon.

Yeah, they get that first credit card.

Soon, much like me, Jupe will take his credit card and use it to finance a drug ring.

A coke bitch.

And then he'll just use the profits to buy other drugs and never pay it back.

And then now he'll have shitty credit when he's 26 like me.

Yeah, or you can take out student loans.

I did that too, yeah.

That's what I did.

That's how I fucked up my credit, everybody.

And then he'll have to work in jobs where he can get paid under the table

so they won't take most of the money and force you to pay it back

when you really don't want to.

Jupe, you wait until the day when you're worried whether or not you're going to bounce.

Let's call Jupe's mom and tell her he has weed in the house.

you got him

yeah it wasn't you

I'm sorry

that wasn't you

that was someone

in Orlando apparently

it was Pimslut

Pimslut told me he did that

Pimslut did it?

yeah that's right

oh see

googly moogly

said he's not a Jew

he's not a Jew

you know he's not a Jew

oh he's not a Jew

who's googly moogly then?

is that Matt?

Mark?

I don't know

which one they are

anyway

they say

they should give you

a show Andy

if Clone Homegrown

fucks up

yeah I'll do it

with my broke computer

your broke ass

ghetto ass computer

my broke 1997 computer

with a Pentium 2 computer

yeah

The only person with a computer worse than Andy

Milkman

That's how it is

Earthduck says he can listen to the whole show of Andy

Trash and Pimps

I'll do that for as long as he stays on the phone

Google the Moogley

I thought that was Juke this whole time

It's either Matt or Mark

Eric

It's Eric that's who it is

I don't know

Whoever the hell Google the Moogley is

Let's continue on

Who the fuck is Eric

Eric.

Eric is another one of the monkey phone kids.

I thought it was Jupe and his brother, Matt, and some guy named Drew, who didn't like KDK.

All those kids got long hair, and they look like a bunch of tosses anyway.

Half a toss.

No, they're tosses.

They are tosses?

Yeah.

Well, what's up to you all in Pennsylvania?

We're up in the PA.

Good for you.

How about a casino, Andy?

Any ideas what I could do with a casino?

Oh, no.

Name it the Yvappy Casino.

Oh, it's a new caller.

We've never seen this one before.

New ringer.

Uh, good evening.

It's Pimflet again.

Hey, what's up?

Welcome.

How's it going, man?

Really missed you.

It's a good thing you're back.

Pimflet, I wanted to ask you this before you hung up, but what are your plans for this

weekend?

Is there some party you gotta do?

A gang fight?

Maybe you gotta do a drive-by or something like that?

I'm gonna go to an orgy.

An orgy?

Yeah.

What kind of orgy?

How many women?

Two men.

I'm sick of nuts.

They would do it up my ass.

Okay, nice.

Okay.

What the fuck?

Sometimes he's the whitest fucking black guy ever.

I don't think he's black. Is he white or is he black?

Is he a black guy who acts white or is he a white guy who's trying to act black?

He's a white guy who acts black.

I don't know, he looks kinda dark-skinned in that picture.

I was like, you know, maybe he's a mulatto?

He's got a tan.

Oh, he's tan.

He's got a tan.

I'm tan too, but I don't look like that.

Yeah, you don't look tan anymore, Andy.

I know, I went up to Chicago for a week.

So who are we really talking to?

Randall Dazzle.

Who's that? Do you know who that is, Cardio?

I don't know.

You guys have the lowest fucking phone I've ever heard.

That's so we sound black, too.

Yeah, you gotta realize we have three phones hooked up at the same time.

One for the computer, one for me, one for Andy.

So we gotta strain ourselves a little bit.

I apologize.

We forget about that sometimes.

And I naturally talk low with a lot of flavor in my voice.

Well, you need to get a better connection.

And if you have Vonage, you should call those fucks up and tell them to get their connections.

I told him he needs to get landline phones with actual cords going into the fucking wall or something like that.

Yeah, we got that Vonnit shit right now here.

We're using portable phones and they suck balls.

They do suck balls. You mean actual phones like that?

Yeah, get a phone with a fucking cord coming out.

You can get them for like $9.99. Just get like two of them.

Oh, you know what's a good idea?

This is how stupid it sounds right now.

Well guys, you have to understand I blew my ears out in Nam.

Okay.

So I barely can hear you.

Okay. That's great. You sound like you were in Vietnam.

What side did you fight for?

Um, I don't know because I'm retarded. I fought for the 5th.

Okay.

Oh, fuck this.

This call's going nowhere.

Yeah, you suck, dude.

I don't know who you are, dude.

We hate you more than Pimpslut already.

Hey, hey, hey.

Stop making fun of the little children.

Stop making fun of the children.

It hurts their feelings.

Pass your bedtime, Junebug.

Oh, fuck you.

Junebug.

Mom's going to warm your belt up in a microwave and put you to sleep.

I'm so small.

I'm not going to say anything because they're making fun of me.

I wonder who this really is.

It sounds like Joop with his voice dropping.

With a voice drop already.

Did you balls up the sun?

Joop, did you balls up the sun or something?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm Joop.

My balls just dropped.

They dropped to the floor.

Good.

Congratulations, man.

All right.

So what are you going to do with that?

I'm going to put him on his skateboard and cool it out.

I'm just going to go to town.

I'm going to fuck a thousand women.

Fair enough.

It's going to be gay old time.

Gay old time.

You heard it here first, everybody.

All right, man.

Well, hey, thanks for calling.

It was great talking to you.

Not really.

And I'm always pumped.

You're always such an asshole, Andy.

I can't help it, man.

I've had a bad life.

I'm real bitter.

When you get the job done, Andy,

you always come through when I need it.

By the time I got that DUI, you came through.

Yeah.

Thank you.

If you're here right now,

I'd probably pick a fight with you and punch you out.

I mean...

See you later.

All right.

Ian, you're such an asshole, man.

Fuck you, Andy.

You're an asshole.

Earthdog says, yeah, it sounds like Juke

after post-balls drop.

I don't know.

Who cares who that was?

His last name is Clanton.

Is that what...

Would you just give the guy's last name out for it?

Jesus Christ.

Okay, there's 50 fucking states in the United States, so...

I mean, shit, they could go...

I imagine there's a billion people who got Clanton as their last name with their phone number listed.

Yeah, they're going to go get him.

It's not Clanton, but okay.

Wait, what was that?

I'll give it out.

Don't give out his last name, man.

Don't make me dump the phone.

Don't dump the show.

I don't know how to use this faggot phone.

Yeah, you suck.

Good, retard.

You don't know how to use a phone.

Anyway, while Andy tries to work the phone like an orangutan over here, we're going to keep going.

and call the next...

Look at that.

I want to see what that is.

I like when they put...

I like when you guys post pictures.

The Ferris is posting a picture

that says black ass.

This is the description

and it's...

Oh, you got to log in.

Oh, I got to log in.

God damn it.

Fucking MySpace up the fucking ass.

Hang on.

Yeah, log...

MySpace always makes you log in

to look at shit.

Yeah.

It never remembers you

or your login.

You can hit remember me

and it won't remember you.

Oh, yeah, girl.

And some black girl named Vixen

and she drew herself.

Oh, look at them legs.

Oh, she's not.

She's not.

Whoa.

Look at their knees.

Oh yeah

I like them pretty knees

Look at my knees

Bitch

And in this picture here

Say look at me

I look like an alien

I'm green

This is my incredible

Hulk picture

Incredible Hulk picture

I just got

I just got hit by gamma rays

And I'm turning green

That picture

The matter I get

The stronger I get

Motherfucker

Look at this picture here

She's got no titties

Why would she even

Put that out there

I don't know

She's got a kind of cute face

She gets into black

No

That one

There's like the picture

Where she's in a white shirt

She has a cute face

And all the other ones

She's just kind of nasty

Yeah, she gets that angle.

She gets that long.

Yeah, she looks like she's 40 right there in that picture.

Look at my gams, motherfucker.

So, man, that's weird.

Well, thanks for that, Janet Farris.

I don't know what that's all about, but apparently Janet Farris is peeling that back.

Probably.

All right.

Look at that poo-poo.

Yeah, man, congratulations.

Eating that business.

Get some of that brown sugar.

Was that Randy?

Randy Dandy's balls dropped in.

If that was Randy Dandy, I think we haven't talked about it.

I think the Pennsylvania kids are growing up.

Yeah, look at that, man.

I mean, I feel so old.

Pretty soon they're going to be holding hands with young girls,

and they're going to trade in their skateboards for a 92 Pinto.

Yeah.

As long as this.

92 Escort, sorry.

Escort.

You and Randy have been hating on each other since the first time you were on the air, I think.

I don't know who that is.

Randy Dandy?

I know the name.

I don't know who it is.

He's the kid who used to call in.

He always talks shit about the Cubs to you.

Oh, he was a really gay kid.

Yeah, the Cardinals.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He used to breathe really weird to the phone back in the day.

Yeah, he'd be like,

Hey, I did the same!

Yeah, he's a St. Louis fan.

Yeah, that's really gay of him.

Well, good job, Randy Dandy, and congratulations on your Adam's apple.

Wait, who did I know that was him?

He said, he's saying it is.

Oh.

He's saying it is.

He said, he actually said it was Randizzle or something at some point.

Oh, yeah, he did.

Yeah, so that must have been...

Randizzle.

Randizzle, so that must have been him.

Okay, next call.

Who do we call?

7-Eleven, been done.

Lonesome, if you're listening

If you're listening, man

Send me the number for

The Dunkin' Donuts guy

Maybe you'll beat me

Maybe you have it in front of you

Maybe you'll beat me to finding it

I'm sure you will

Probably, he's on the ball, that Lonesome Loser

And English is your second language, so

Yes, that's right

Very, very true, and I'm not very good at Spanish

Casino of the Sun

Or the Desert Diamond Casino

Let's call it the Desert Diamond Casino

Hey, do you got that Rage Against the Machine song?

People of the Sun?

Nope.

Yeah, you don't have shit.

You know, why don't you make a list of songs that I need to get?

I have, like, CDs I was going to bring over, but everything...

I'm not going to be home until 9.30.

I wasn't.

I know, but the last, like, three times I've been on a show, it's the same shit.

No, last time you weren't even here.

Well, no, I'm saying the last three times I was on the show.

Okay.

I was on the show.

So when are you moving away?

I don't know.

All right, I'm just wondering if you had a plan.

I gotta, well, I gotta wait.

I can't smoke until my dad tells me when I have to go take this test.

Okay.

It was great, though.

I had, like, a conversation that, you know, it was, like, the best conversation when you

finally talked to your dad about drug usage.

Oh, so you got to that point.

Yeah.

I will never have that.

My dad's like, yeah, I smoked until I was 40, and I was like, yeah.

Oh, shit.

I was like, yeah, I knew that.

You know, it was like, you were, you was like, one time you pissed me off.

I thought you were a little faggot when you said to your, you know, your nana that you

go, yeah, my dad rolls his own cigarettes.

I was like, that's a little faggot.

Oh, no.

Yeah, I was like, poor.

He said, my daddy rolls his own cigarettes, and he burns rope.

My daddy snorts sugar.

Look at Lonesome Loser.

I know he listens to this show.

He's the man.

Lonesome Loser with a Dunkin' Donuts, my favorite crazy Arab motherfucker.

I like that.

Instantly.

It's Andy's favorite, Paul.

Yeah, but we can't talk to him anymore.

Maybe we can.

We burned the bridge there.

We ruined it.

Watch.

Last time he was there.

Because that one night, we called him like six times.

Yeah, he's great material.

All right, let's try to call him, and then after that,

Maybe he picks up.

We'll talk to him.

We'll talk.

All right.

Well, hang on, everybody.

Here that comes.

Good evening.

Hello.

Good evening.

Hi.

Do you guys have any of the cappuccino drinks?

What kind of cappuccino?

What do you recommend?

Hot or ice?

Yeah, with a lot of ice.

Yeah.

Okay.

What kind of syrups can you put in it?

What kind of flavor?

Yeah.

What kind of ice cream do you want?

What kind of cappuccino? Is it cappuccino blast or what?

Yeah, just like that.

With the ice cream?

Yeah, yeah.

Any ice cream you want?

What kind? Do you have the Rocky Road?

No, that's it. Don't kill you.

Okay. Do you have your mother's vagina?

No.

You don't have it there?

No.

That's funny because I have it over here.

I'm sorry?

It's a pink. It's a pink ice cream.

Pink ice cream? What kind of pink is ice cream?

Your mom's vagina.

No, we don't kill you. It's not kosher.

It's not kosher?

No.

But it's not halal. I don't think you really care if it's kosher or not, right, sir?

Okay.

All right. Do you have any qualms against Jewish people?

I'm sorry?

Does your mother ever say that she wishes she was raped by another man?

Who?

Does your mother ever say that she wishes that she was raped by another man?

Oh, how about your mother? How about your sister? How about your dad? Who's your dad?

My dad is dead. Don't go there.

Do you know your dad?

My dad died.

Do you know your mother, do you know your mom, how many guys here before you came?

Do you know your dad?

Three.

You're lucky if you know your dad.

Three men.

Three men can be my dad.

Motherfucker, a few men can come over here.

Hey, look, buddy, I'm going to come down there.

Look, I'm going to come down there.

Son of a bitch.

Never answer the second time.

We'll do it.

All right, all right, I got an angry one.

He can't hear the number.

All right, hang on.

Hang on, let me try to get him.

He's the best.

I'm not sure if that's kosher or not.

That's who, uh, Katie Kay should give a show to.

See that guy?

Yeah.

Welcome to the Dunkin' Donuts show with Dunkin' Donuts and, uh,

Fuck you, come down here, your mother, your sister!

Your father, your sister, your father, your mother!

He threw the father.

Your mother, your father, your sister!

He threw my father down under the bus for the first time tonight.

Uh, you won't answer now, you faggot.

Your mother, your sister, your father, your uncle, your uncle,

Your mother, your sister, your father, your mother, your daughter, your son!

You won't answer now, I told you you won't.

The person you were calling is not answering

Yeah, no shit, bitch

No shit, bitch

No shit, he's not

I'm going to go pray to Allah, motherfucker

Yeah, he's

We need to find out his name

I wonder what his name is

We need to get a road trip

Go to Detroit

I'd love to go to Detroit

I'd love to go to the PCU Mecca

Like, you know, everything

What if I take my PCU pilgrimage

To the Dunkin' Donuts in Detroit

What if that's DTT's family?

Yeah

What if that's really DTT?

He doesn't know it's us

He's an asshole

He's a trip though

You're lucky if you know your dad

He's told me

He did get me with that

But that's good though

He doesn't know how funny he is

I was going to explain to him

It could have been three people

How about we should call back one time

And just tell him how much we love him

He's like our favorite

I bet you'll get mad about it too

We call you every week and you're our favorite

Dwayne Dog Chapman

Is that that TV show?

Yeah, you won't be able to get all of that.

No, no.

I don't respect that guy either.

Didn't he used to be a meth addict or something like that?

Yeah, he's got that stupid pompadour.

He's a faggot.

And his stupid kids are gay, too.

What's a pompadour?

Is that a hairstyle?

Yeah, it's that when you got your hair sticking way up in the front.

Okay.

Oh, that shit?

You know, at the Fonz.

Yeah, well, fuck that.

Fuck that guy.

Fuck anybody who wore a pompadour.

I like this song, man.

Let's play it in the background here for a little bit.

While we get...

I don't think they'll ever probably do another album, man.

I think they're split up.

That last album was brilliant, though.

I'm going to listen to that when I'm sitting in my pool tomorrow,

eating those Adderalls I found in your bathroom.

Okay.

Or whatever it was I found in that Adderalls.

Don't take those, man.

Why not?

Because I got, like...

Can I get, like, three of them?

I'm going to run out of them, man.

Jesus Christ.

How many times have I hooked you up with shit?

You're right.

Okay, you're right.

You're very disrespectful.

I'll give you three.

And I'm going to eat them, and they're going to swim in my pool.

You don't eat pills.

You take pills.

I eat them.

You eat them?

I'm going to save a beer.

Okay.

I'm going to take those three.

I'm going to drink a beer tomorrow, probably like around noon.

All right.

And I'm going to float my pool.

And you can't stop.

I've never gotten high in a pool before.

I've never been high in a pool.

It isn't really.

I float it anyway because I'm so fat.

I just kind of like, I just pop right above the surface for like a good hour or so.

Yeah, I can float for a long time too.

Yeah.

You know what Fina brought up to me during the week?

We were listening to an old show, you know, one that we had done like in January.

And she said that for some reason we end up talking about food at one point.

And didn't we start off talking about Publix or something?

She says every episode of this show

We talk about food at some point

It usually starts with me

Saying hey blah blah blah about food

And then me and you have a discussion about food for a while

Whatever

Why is she so fucking critical

No she's not

She's just pointing that out to me

That it's something that we do on a regular basis

I don't know maybe she was trying to be critical

You're real fat

Yeah exactly

She makes fun of me all the time

She's got a lot to say

You fat cracker

Uh, dude, that's a backline to Dog Chapman.

That's not just a Bill Bonds number.

That's what...

Well, you can call it then.

I guess.

Whatever.

It's real soft.

I've never seen the show.

I've just heard of him, and I've seen a picture of him on Yahoo News.

Tell him that Leroy raped your sister.

Okay.

Who the fuck?

That's his son.

That's his son?

Yeah, his son's named Leroy.

Leroy's been trying to...

Leroy raped my sister.

All right.

We'll do that.

And it challenged us to a, uh, uh, uh, a pole fight.

All right.

Good dude.

I'll play this shit.

What song was that?

Danzig?

He got his ass beat.

That was a great video.

Hang on, everybody.

We're going to call the dog.

Did you listen to the message?

No, the message said we won't take calls from blocked numbers.

Yeah, but the reason is I'm in jail and I gave away the toll-free number.

What kind of people in jail have toll-free numbers?

You all got this toll-free number, dog.

They're not that stupid.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, sorry.

KDK reports breaking news.

news seven people are in custody after a sweep in miami florida in connection with an alleged

plot against targets that may have included the sears tower officials told cnn some of the

suspects are members of a radical african-american muslim group and that at least one had taken an

al-qaeda oath law enforcement sources told cnn you know deep in my heart like i don't know this for

a fact but i think no man's involved he's kind of muslim looking we don't have any proof of that

He could be in Miami.

I don't know.

That's horrible.

Is that what they were saying?

Don't fuck with Chicago, you fuck bitches.

Yeah, that's Sears Tower.

I think that's the next one to go, Andy.

I'm sorry, but I think that's the next one to go.

I was in Chicago for two weeks.

I went in the city twice, and I just went to the Cubs game.

So I don't give a fuck.

Maybe we should be checking out CNN.

Maybe something's going on.

I don't care.

All right.

Well, Andy in the satellite center.

As long as they don't attack Publix, we'll be okay.

As long as Publix.

Exactly, googly moogly.

Exactly.

All this terror stuff right before elections is amazing.

Very good point

Notice how it always happens

Around the same time

Yeah, be afraid of this

Right here

Fuck you, bitch

Motherfucker

I think that's where it all starts

Right there

They keep calling me

I'll blow up the Sears Tower

Hey

Okay

If you call me one more time

I'm going to

That was Andy

Andy said that

Yeah, I was saying that

In the voice of the guy

Who works at Dunkin' Donuts

Okay

I wouldn't do anything like that

Okay, I'm just

I'm too pretty to go to jail

Just in case

Here's my girlfriend, ReSage.

ReSage.

I hope that's a girl.

I really don't think that's a girl.

I'm pretty sure it is.

But, you know, he's...

Hit info.

Is there any way you can get more info?

It never works.

Not available, see?

That's AOL's shit.

Hit get info.

One way to get, see?

He's going to refresh it.

That's nothing.

Yeah, it's probably some dude.

Yeah, so if you want to reach us on AOL Instant Messenger, like ReSage, the very effeminate Instant Messenger,

because he makes hearts and stuff.

Hitting on me.

Yeah.

You can reach us at madhouseradio, madhouseradio.

What do you say?

Go to my MySpace account and see how hot I am.

All right.

What's your MySpace?

MySpace.com forward slash Appleseed, right?

Yeah, something like that.

And mine is MySpace.com forward slash Madhouse Radio.

So, yeah, I need water.

I'm thirsty like a bitch.

I'm going to have to take a break.

You don't have any beers or anything, huh?

I drank like two pitches of beer before I came here tonight.

No, you and other people drank two pitches of beer.

No, no, no.

No, the $3 pitch is a Miller Lite, dude.

Oh, my God, I would throw up.

Miller Lite's so foul.

It has no carbs in it, though.

No, they had...

Yeah, I can tell that you've been drinking Carbo Spear

because you look good, dog.

Well, thanks, man.

I need to get some sun.

I need to get some sun, too.

Hey, it's Tuck.

Hey, Tuck, how you doing?

What a dilly, Carlito.

What up, Carlito?

What's up, Tuck?

How you been?

Revolution, my brother.

Revolution.

You not talking to the dead tonight?

Uh, a little bit, and then he and his mom were fighting, so, uh...

They always fight.

Yeah, so I got that thing.

I'd like, you know, it would be a great show if we could have, like, a sit-down with the dead and his mom and just, like, have them talk it out.

Yeah, totally. They'd be fighting and they'd be bitch-slapping each other. It would be wonderful.

Mom, you never let me do what I want!

Oh, man.

You never let me do what I want. I want to drink and then sit at home and do nothing.

That's all the direction he goes.

I want to be distorted.

So, does he call you a lot during the day?

I mean, I know he does, but I'm saying, does he have a job or anything maybe that...

No, he doesn't have a job.

You don't, but you must not have anything going on either, huh, Tuck?

He's an artist.

Well, I'm doing shit here.

I mean, do you have, like, a family or anything?

I'm a comic artist and an illustrator, right?

I mean, hold on.

I'm not trying to...

You have, like, a family?

Yeah.

Family.

Are you married or what's going on, Tuck?

Yeah.

I mean, if you were married, she wouldn't let you...

If you had a wife, she would not want you talking to some retard drunk from Chicago.

Tuck

lives on

like on a

plantation or

something.

Tuck, do you

have slaves?

Yeah, I have

people do all

that kind of

stuff.

Do what kind

of stuff?

Mexicans.

You know, all

the things out

out, out, outside and, and, and, and, and growing and, and planting and picking the cotton.

So you don't leave your house.

Fern.

You know, Tuck, something deep inside me tells me you're just as fucked up, if not more than the dead.

Yeah, I think he's fucked up.

The dead has palsy, man.

The dead sounds like he just had a, a stroke.

I think Tuck has an exoskeleton.

What's the status on the, uh, on the modem, or the, uh, the Mac crisis?

Any news on that, Tuck?

Um, dude, don't bring that up.

Okay.

So nothing good then.

Dude, you're bad.

Not bad. I have to go to Memphis, and I have to plan, and everyone's wrecking their asses, and everyone wants to, like, when I go down there, everyone wants to meet me, and if I don't go, I'll get shit on, and, you know.

You have a car?

Yeah, and a lady friend is involved and all that.

You got a lady friend, Tom?

Yeah, she lives down there and all that.

Yeah?

It's crazy.

When's the last time you hit that?

Escapade, I don't know what you want to get to.

When's the last time you hit that?

Huh?

When's the last time you hit that? When's the last time you feel the best?

It's minimal.

What?

It's been a while.

Yeah?

What'd he say?

He said, um, not at all.

Oh.

It's been a while.

Oh, it's been a while.

So she...

Oh, she...

She's ready to go, Tuck.

Why aren't you going to visit her?

You'd rather talk on the phone to that fucking tard?

No, it's...

It's not that.

It's just like, uh, this...

That's...

That's just the situation as it is right now.

Tuck, we hear that you look like Jeffrey Dahmer.

Is that true?

That's what PsyCon says.

Jeffrey Dahmer?

I'm not sure.

I'm not really sure what...

Tuck, how many people have you killed?

How many people have you killed?

How many heads do you have in your refrigerator at home?

Dude, that's the luxury of living out here.

No one will ever know.

Good.

Tuck, when you go to your girl, you eat her asshole.

Oh, man.

Does it taste like a Butterfinger?

Or a penny?

A penny?

Yeah.

Something like that.

All right.

You're putting Tuck on the spot here, man.

I don't know.

What else are we going to say to Tuck?

I'm not talking about Jeffrey Dahmer and shit.

I don't know.

Everybody's saying you look like Jeffrey Dahmer.

Really?

I'm not really sure what he looks like.

He looks like you.

He looks like a crazy gay guy who kills a lot of gay guys.

He's dead.

He wasn't gay, though, was he?

Yeah, he was gay.

No, I thought he was just looking for...

He was gay, dude.

I thought he was just killing people.

Yeah, he was gay.

Yeah, didn't he have...

If a dude kills a bunch of gay dudes, you're gay.

Well, isn't there a story that there was, like, one Asian boy who was, like, 19 who ran away from him?

Yeah.

Like, actually escaped and stuff?

Yeah, the cops brought him back.

Yeah, the cops brought him back to him.

That's what Tuck's hoping the cops show up one day with the dead, like, handcuffed in the backseat of the car.

Yeah, I know him.

Bring him on inside, boys.

Isn't it nasty when panties get green?

Yeah.

You ever see a green panty?

You know what else I saw that was green?

Your fucking toilet.

So don't even make fun of panties.

It's not green.

It's got black milk on it.

It's got black milk.

It's very clean.

Black is green.

I spray it down with Lysol every two days.

What if there was a natural disaster and you had to drink out of that toilet for a week because there's no water?

Have you seen your bathroom?

bathroom? It's much, much cleaner

than yours, dude. No. Yes. No, no.

Yes. No. Yes. And I live with a fucking

drunk who has white shit. You have a nasty

bathroom. No, it's much cleaner. When's the last time

you mopped the floors of your house? I don't do it. When's the last

time you mopped the floors of your house? Oh, it hasn't been that long ago.

You have complete tile through the whole house

except for the rooms, right? Yeah. And you have,

when's the last, you guys don't, you've never mopped the

floors since you've been there, right? It's bullshit. I don't know.

Have you? It's bullshit. Have you,

Andy, right now, have you mopped the floors of your house? I

haven't done it. Has anybody? No, my brother has

on it he's mopped the floors yeah you have a mop yeah if i go there now yeah i'll show you the

fucking mop i'll beat you over your fucking head with it because i mop the bathroom floor every

saturday morning i do i have the swiffer jet right there to prove if you mop the floor why

wouldn't you clean out the toilet it looks like shit there's fucking mold in it i've like i've

never had a moldy toilet in my entire life i used to live in a house with like three other drug

addicts and we never had a moldy toilet you know when we lived together i didn't clean that toilet

once in that two years yeah and then we lived together you used to take a shower and then like

Like, there would be, like, 80 cents of change on the floor of this fucking tub.

You're a fat fat son of a fuck.

Shut up, plug it in.

Give me money, Andy, for the, um, deposit that we had in that first apartment.

I didn't get that.

I don't know.

Someone did.

Who did?

Mike?

I don't think we got the deposit back.

What did we?

Yeah, because you guys put that hole in the, uh, in the wall from wrestling.

You remember that hole?

I didn't do that.

You guys covered it.

Yeah, that was you and Mike, uh, wrestling.

I didn't do that.

Who did?

I don't know.

It was Jeremy.

You owe me money.

You owe me for those pills.

We'll beat you over the head with this phone.

Let's just be friends.

Tuck, do you want to do a prank call?

All right.

We're friends again.

Yeah, what you got?

What you got?

Hey, what's that funny voice you did?

That Italian-sounding voice.

You should do that.

Yeah, do that, Tuck.

Okay, well, let's try to relive that goal again.

Let's hear what it sounds like, Tuck.

Do a little...

Okay.

Great.

I loved it.

Do a preview.

Oh, y'all, kind of low, so it's kind of hard to hear.

We hear that all the time.

Yeah, we were hearing that a lot tonight.

Tuck, do a preview.

Jesus, God, you blew out this preview.

Yeah, pretty, the, um, oh, fuck, God, I forgot.

Ah, well, it'll come to you.

I'll get into it once we go, we'll get there.

You do that, I'm going to take a piss.

All right.

Andy's going to take a piss.

I'm going to set up the call, and Tuck's going to hold.

We'll be right back, everybody, with the next call.

Tuck, good luck.

All right, you started it off, and now it's translated on there.

All right.

One moment.

Hello?

Hi, good evening.

Are you still taking orders?

Do you want to take off?

Yeah, yeah, I do.

The order is actually for the ambassador, His Highness the Prince of Monrovia, who's on the line right now.

Are you there?

Happy. I am happy.

He's happy.

Si.

Okay.

Do we see a big or a long happy meat?

Sir? Happy meat?

Yeah.

Can we get the happy meat, please?

What?

Prince Monrovia would like some happy meat.

What number would you dial?

Uh huh, right.

Would you like to order, sir?

Happy meal? I don't have it.

I don't have happy meat.

What item number? I'm really confused.

Number 69.

Huh?

Number 69.

Number 69, huh?

Yes.

One second.

No, no, no.

Can I get a note, sir?

In, out, in, out, huge, long, happy...

Number 69 is the beef and broccoli with beef, right?

Number 69 is the beef and broccoli?

I have a joke for you, sir.

This Chinese guy owns a Chinese restaurant, and he comes home with his wife,

and he wants to get a little freaky in bed, and he said he wants 69,

and his wife says, you want beef and broccoli now?

What do you think about that?

So can we get two 69s?

69 or 59?

No, yeah.

Whatever you say, man.

Where are you calling from? Your phone number?

888-278-8509.

You mean the dial P number?

Yeah, that's us here in the office.

Where you are now?

We're in the Carter building.

We're in the Carter building on 14th Avenue.

You get me, too.

Are you now...

Big long thick happy big ring in the outer meter?

Happy meter?

1282 14th Avenue, Southwest.

Where are you calling from?

You come from West Center?

Yes.

I am hungry for a happy meter.

We're in Seattle, sir.

Let's go.

You sure you want to come over to pick up, right?

Absolutely.

I wouldn't lie to you.

Okay.

True number 69, right?

Yeah.

From one Asian to another.

I would never lie to you, sir.

Okay.

True 69.

Okay.

Can you call me when it's ready, please?

Okay, what's your phone number?

1-888-

278-

Wait a second, wait a second.

Oh, Jesus.

1-888-

And what else?

278-

8-

8-5-0-9.

And then-

Ding dong?

Okay, I'll call you back.

We need you-

You need to ask for the extension.

Huh?

You need to ask for the extension.

Oh, extension.

What, uh, what, what, uh, extension number?

1-1-0-1.

Yes, that one.

My name is Mr. Carter

Ralph Carter

Okay

Got it bye

Alright Mike

Let's see if he calls back

I'm going to completely deny

That I ordered beef and broccoli

I can't

Beef and broccoli

Number is 69

I think he said 59

They probably only go to like 60

Or something like that

That's a lot of

That's a lot of stuff

Yeah

So Tuck

That was interesting

Hopefully he calls back

Yeah no kidding

Tuck that was the best

Tuck call ever

Yeah

Good work Tuck

No, really.

Yeah, well, thanks.

You're kind of funny without the dead being annoying over your voice.

Yeah, the dead just sucks the wife.

Tuck, tuck, tuck.

We do some interesting things along with him.

We've developed a few things.

How many?

A lot.

On average, how many hours do you spend on the phone with the dead in a week?

Probably, it can be at least on average, at least two hours a night.

Oh, my God, Tuck.

Are you serious?

Average.

That's a good healthy average, yeah.

Jesus Christ, I'm sorry.

It's not every night.

It's not every night, but when he gets the liquor in him, he starts randomly calling people.

What made you think...

He calls me along for the ride.

He gets on Skype and starts calling China and Russia and Saudi Arabia.

They probably understand I'm born more than the people who speak English do.

No, but it's hilarious, though.

Do you regret giving him your phone number?

No, because I record it, and I'm going to be part of the stuff I'm doing.

One day you're going to have a movie where you'll just put out a CD of just him rambling on.

I recorded it a five-day sad night.

Well, have a good night.

We're calling.

Tell the dad I said hi next time you talk to him and his mom.

No trouble.

You'll have a good night.

And please, please get back on the Internet.

Where's that thing?

Hell yeah, I'll get back.

All right, Matt.

Tuck, everybody.

Tuck from Tuck.com.

This is no Tuck.com.

I always say that about people.

Tuck.com is guys pretending they're chicks by tucking their balls in their tits.

He probably is.

I just, what am I not?

That's why it's called Tuck.

That's because I like to tuck it out.

Yeah, they call me Tuck because I tuck my dick in balls in between my leg and pretend I'm a chick.

Wow.

Can you imagine if he actually said that?

I'd say that's what he does.

Maybe.

Well, more power to him, man.

It's okay.

It's a free country.

Well, you know, we haven't heard from Dedede.

I haven't talked to him

In a few weeks

I thought he'd call in tonight

And you know

Say welcome back

To the show

Yep

And I missed you

And you know

I thought we were friends

Exactly

The dad

This is the call

Call in

He's not even in the chat room

Yeah he's a fucking dumbass

I don't know what the hell

He's probably passed out by now

It's pretty late

Yeah well he's friending with his mom

I hope everything's okay

You don't know the dandy

The dandy

You don't know the dandy

Fuck you

You motherfucker

Fuck you

Motherfucker

You don't know the dandy

She sounds just like that, though, but more Polish.

Well, we love the dead's mom.

I like the dead's mom more than the dead.

I wish her luck, and I, you know, hopefully she figures out a way to get him out of the house.

Maybe when I move to Chicago, me and the dead can get a place.

You're going to get a place with him?

Yeah, right.

Dad would be something right there.

He'd make you drive him everywhere and stuff.

He's got a car.

He'll drive me.

Does he have a car?

He always says he does.

Oh, well, good.

I think we ask him if we do have a car.

He's like, yeah, man.

I think he's got a newer car than I do.

Really?

He's got like a 98 or a 99.

Okay.

Like a Plymouth or something like that.

If I remember correctly.

Plymouth.

It was an American car.

It's not a car.

A Plymouth.

It's that ass.

That sucks.

Okay.

All right.

How about we take a break real quick?

I really need to get a drink.

I need to take a piss.

Whatever.

I'm thirsty and I got to...

Yeah.

Okay.

So, everybody, hold your thoughts.

Give me about 5 minutes and I'll come back

And the time being you can reach us here

On AOL Instant Messenger

Madhouse Radio

You can also call in toll free

1-888-278-8509

When we come back we'll have some more prank calls

Who do we need to hear from tonight

We still haven't heard from

Clone Homegrown

Because Clone Homegrown is a mouthful

So we'll just call him CHG

I'd like him to call and do a bong hit like always

And promote his new show

Definitely call in

after the break.

My recommendation, the monotone

hour. Yes.

Yes. The monotone hour.

This is Crone, homegrown. Welcome to the

monotone hour. We're going to be

doing some prank calls later. He's going to do

bong hits the whole night, too. I'm going to do a bong

hit, a prank call, three more

bong hits, and then another

prank call. Yeah. Three more

bong hits, maybe two prank

calls, and then I'll probably pass out.

Okay, and that's the show. Call in, here's

the number.

um okay they're gonna do some kind of skype show whatever that means he'll explain it to us and

anybody else who else we haven't heard from jupe tonight i don't even know if he's out there who

cares i get the bag yeah he's a toss as andy would say uh and yeah so if anybody wants to call in uh

do so after the break we'll grab back after this it's 12 17 a.m that means it's friday and uh stay

Stay tuned.

He's got his head to the ground.

We're back, everybody.

Thank you for hanging in there.

Yeah, boy.

Andy's networking himself, and I am drinking spring water.

Zephyr Hill spring water.

With the straw.

Oh, shit.

Wow.

We're popular.

That is.

Man, this is him.

This is Quintin.

Good evening, go ahead.

Hey, boy.

Yeah, what's up?

Yeah, the phone is really low tonight, isn't it?

I know, I'll fix it.

What's up, man? How you doing?

What's up, buddy?

What's going on, man?

You have to say it.

So, congratulations on the new show, man.

It is what it is. We'll see how it goes.

Alright, so Tuesday night?

This Tuesday you're going to start?

Not that day.

Alright, what do you got planned?

Exactly.

Well, it's going to be Skype, you know.

Skype conferencing, call-in and shit.

You can't call him on a real phone?

I can call you on a real phone.

Oh, man.

I'm not giving you my phone.

If I give you my phone number before I know it, the dad will be calling me like five times a day.

You know why it's called clone in this case.

All right, so who do you have signed up to be on there with you right now?

Well, A-Max is a pretty cool kid.

All right.

He has a couple of voices, he does.

Okay.

Does he do a monotone pop smoker?

No, he's a...

You got that covered, huh?

He's a pretty funny cat, though.

He does a lot of pranks.

I can turn out on this guy and see how long he can treat me.

That shit's only free until February.

We've got to take advantage of that while we can.

Oh, they're actually going to start charging for that?

From what I understand, it doesn't work that well.

I hear good things about it, I don't know.

I don't know.

I have my problems with it every now and then.

So, will you have Pimp Slut on your show,

or will it be a Pimp Slut free show?

Like that.

Because if you had said

he's gonna be a regular car i wouldn't have listened don't kiss me he's not really funny

but like you could say a lot of shit about him he's funny because everybody hates him and they

don't feel a sympathy for him when you make fun of him that's it right you keep praising me uh chg

how do you like that chg like that i like chig chig too the chiga you'd be chg you're gonna go

as clone homegirl because that's all no i'm not gonna do in the clone skype so what does skype

towards me.

Everyone who uses Skype

is retarded or?

Retarded Skype

usually.

Yeah.

So you're planning

on having a heavily

The Dead show

with him calling in?

Is The Dead involved

in this?

He won't call this show

anymore because

I guess I'm mean to him.

Alright.

Are you prepared

to do a bong rip?

Yeah, hang on.

What are you smoking today?

You got some good shit?

Has it got some

crystals on it

or are you smoking

some BC Buds?

It's Sticky Iggy though.

Oh, okay.

As long as it's

Sticky Iggy.

Hang on.

I couldn't have a show

without this.

This is a highlight show.

And he catches

another one.

So, um, when you finish a bowl, do you put it in an ashtray or do you turn it around and suck it into your bong?

I do it every now and then, but I pretty much put it in an ashtray.

See, I suck it into my bong because I don't want to leave evidence.

I can't believe it.

Yeah, so then I take my bong and I dump it outside.

Well, that's what I used to do. I haven't smoked in like four months.

If it's for weed, arrest me. I'll call my normal chapter. They'll get me a good lawyer.

Will they?

Yeah.

I didn't know they would.

Are you a member?

Do you pay them dues or something like that?

No, but I know ways around it.

Okay.

I know the fucking numbers and stuff.

Well, if I ever get arrested, Claude, I'm going to call CHG, my number one dog.

CHG and Associates.

Yeah.

What up, my niggies?

So, what's with the raining in Houston, man?

I'm not in Houston.

I thought you were in Houston.

You're in Texas.

It's closing up.

I'm in Dallas.

Oh, you're in Dallas.

I thought it was Houston.

Okay.

I heard Houston was flooded out or some shit.

I heard that Houston is the fattest city in the United States.

That's what they said.

Me and Carly aren't going to move there.

Yeah, we have to.

Because those are our people.

Yeah, only way we get laid.

Your Latino ass would fit in.

Oh, being racist against me.

Yes, that's fine.

That's fine.

I'm not Mexican.

I don't take offense to it.

It's okay.

Your Latino ass.

He was saying Latinos in general.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Well, whatever.

All the Latinos in Texas are Mexicans, for the most part.

How much is like a

Who do you buy your weed by

Like the acre or what

How much does that cost

Oh so you're smoking a Reggie huh

It's usually good though

See I wouldn't smoke that

When I smoke that stuff

I would spit out black shit

Yeah we know the story

It's got chemicals all over it

Like the fucking

The Mexicans grow it

And they have chemicals

I usually get pretty good shit

See that might be alright

But

Like I

You know

I'm planning on moving to Chicago

And then

You know going to construction

And shit like that

And I'm pretty sure that the only thing you could really smoke in Chicago is Reggie and you know

It's all Mexican Reggie and then he got like kind, but it's not that great kind

But yeah, like Florida, you know Florida with the Krippi and everything that you know, it's spoiled me

I think if you ever smoke that really good Florida Krippi the good really good should we get here?

Where's that Krippi coming from that we get in Florida? It comes through Miami. So it comes from Europe and it's all it comes

Yeah, that's that's a good deal

Oh, in Australia.

In Australia.

I would go and I'd get an acre here for $50 or I'd get an acre plus.

And that would be like $90 or $90.

I just, you know what I mean.

Dude, that's expensive.

That's what black people buy.

You go into Hood and you sell grams.

$20 for a gram and then that's gone in a night.

Yeah, that's a waste of time.

Yeah, it was expensive, you know.

That's what I'm saying.

I was like, I was looking.

I was sitting there like, man, I should go back to it.

Because, like, you know, I'm going to be, like, you know, doing, like, construction type shit.

And then, you know, they don't really drug test you and shit.

So, don't worry about it so much.

Call normal.

Normal.

Yeah, N-O-R-M-L.

They had a car wash here a few months ago.

Did they?

You should have seen it.

I should have.

I should have watched the car.

I've been in the number, Carlito.

Uh, let me get that.

GHG is ready to make a call.

So, you sent it in the chat room?

Yeah.

Okay, the Mad Hatter?

No, not the Mad Hatter.

The one above that.

Okay, I see, I see.

Okay.

Alright, man.

I see now.

Okay.

Alright, we'll call that right now.

Hang on, everybody.

We have Clone Homegrown with a prank call.

We'll be next in just a moment.

When they got the boat on the Craigslist there?

Yeah, I sold it today.

Oh, you sold it today.

Damn it.

Yep.

You got anything else for sale?

Nope, not at all.

That boat looked pretty nice.

I was going to want to, what I was going to want to do with it is just take it for a test drive

and maybe get you to stand on shore with your trousers down

and maybe I'd come full speed ahead and just ram that boat right up your ass.

All right, good deal.

Have fun.

He's not going to go for that.

Sounds like fun.

Thank you.

Damn shame he sold his boat so quickly.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

It's called Chubby and Nubby's.

Let's call Chubby and Nubby's Junk.

A redneck woman.

Right.

Nubby's?

Yes.

Turn right here.

Hello, Johnny.

Johnny Roach.

I'm lost.

It's awfully late at night.

I'm sorry about that, but I'm awfully lost.

You're lost?

Yes, ma'am.

I'm an old man downtown in the city, and I don't like that very much.

It frightens me to, you know.

I think you should call the police.

Well, I tried that, but...

She made it all crackle-y.

The worst hang-up ever.

Yeah, how rude of her.

Hang on, let me...

She's still hanging it up.

Let me clear the line, hang on.

Actually, I don't know what the hell.

Sounds like someone else picked up.

Sounds like he's flooding down there at the house.

Yeah, must be.

Hang on, I see another line.

Sounds good.

All right, so you're going to be on 10 o'clock or 9 p.m. Eastern.

What's your plan?

9 o'clock Central.

9 o'clock Central, 10 p.m. Eastern.

Wow, that's pretty late.

Yeah, well, that's the time we start later than that.

Oh, really?

We start at 10.30.

I think you should start at 8 o'clock Central and 9 o'clock Eastern so I can listen.

Listen?

Yeah.

Do you want to listen?

I like to anticipate what I call into you guys, and you guys wouldn't call into me.

Oh, I would listen.

I don't have Skype, so I can't.

No, but I'll listen.

I'll listen, and you have my line.

I don't call in well.

Like, if I call in, it would be boring.

You did a good job last week calling in.

No, I thought I sucked.

What, my monotone ass isn't boring?

No, you're great.

Oh, well, thank you, thank you.

It's a really, it's a really original delivery,

and not very many people smoke as much pot as you,

so they don't sound like you.

Yeah, well, a little word of advice.

Stay positive with the show.

Be mean to your annoying callers.

And Lonesome Loser is a godsend.

Yeah.

That's what I was going to say.

Lonesome Loser's numbers are always the best.

So if he's around, I don't know if he can make it,

but if he is around Tuesday nights, he'll hook you up, man.

Just be copy and pasting.

I think Tuesday night is Tee and Crumpet night for Lonesome Loser,

so maybe he won't be there.

What?

Tee and Crumpet.

Yeah, he's fucking British, right?

No, Lonesome Loser, that's Nunu.

I think he's from Pennsylvania, actually.

He's one of the Pennsylvania connections.

All right, well, then, Tuesday night is second.

Did you get hooked up already with KDK for the access to the server

and what you need to download?

Not yet, but...

Okay, all right, all right.

Wow.

Good for you.

Let me know if you need to use the MyStream so you can be in stereo.

You can archive yourself in stereo, so...

I should, for sure.

Yeah, I will, I will.

If he gives me a phone number I can reach him at, then I'll do that.

Just let me know if you want me to call in and shit.

I'll definitely call in and say what's up.

I don't mind doing that at all

Alright

Everybody listen next week

And uh

What's that like

Do you have a name

Picked out yet

What do you mean

Oh yeah

You said cloned

In the Skype talk

It's cloned in the site

Yeah

That's the name of your show

That's the name of the show

You gotta come up

With a cool graphic

Yeah

We need a graphic for you

And a website

Yeah

Get a GeoCity site

Or something like that

Alright clone man

Make sure you take care

Of all that shit

Yeah

We'll talk

Alright

Peace out man

Thanks for calling in

Word

Bye

Clone Homegrown

CloneHomegrown.com everybody

And that's Clone Homegrown

That's my homie

chg chg um you know madman lives in chicago no i didn't know that yeah yeah and he sent you a

message right there so there you go oh wow yeah he's in the know about that kind of stuff i know

that for a fact too so does madman get the really good stuff though like i'm not trying to smoke

anything with chemicals on and shit i'm sure he does i'm sure he does he had a good idea i don't

remember what it was yeah he seems to know his stuff so like you're talking about the sticky

Icky, icky, with crystals all over it, and it's pretty, and it smells good, right?

Yeah.

Nice pine smell to it.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, Madman.

When I get to Chicago, I need his number, then.

Yeah, okay.

He doesn't have a cell phone.

He's one of those few people like you who don't have a cell phone, either.

You've got to get a cell phone.

Cell phones are for people who are too stupid to realize that it's slavery, dude.

What do you want people to be able to get a hold of you all the time anyway for?

I don't know.

You had a cell phone for like two years.

And it was awful.

I hated it.

You liked it.

You liked it, man.

Well, no one called me.

I only gave the number out

For like two or three people

Like you had it

Gladys did

My brother

Yeah your mom used to call me

My mom sounds nothing like that

Where is Carlito

She doesn't sound like that at all

Where is my Carlito

You can't prove that my mom sounds like that

Yeah cause you won't put her on the air

Cause that's exactly how she fucking sounds

She sounds very normal

She cries every other sentence

No she doesn't

She's always in pain

She's in pain because Jesus

He stubbed his toe

Alright

Let me pull your microphone

The wart on his foot is getting very big

It's small man, the wart's gone

The wart is non-existent

Back when I used to talk to her

She would tell me about how to get a wart

She never talked about my wart

She doesn't know I have one

You've been gone for two hours

Anyway

Anyway, they will come to your house thinking you're a mad man.

All right.

Well, mad man, everybody.

Madman.com.

Yeah.

Mad man is going to be my...

Who is mad man doing with us?

Is that the surfer guy?

He's a surfer.

He's a skater.

You can't surf in Chicago.

No, I thought he was the guy who set up the server.

Who does that?

Oh, the server.

He does the chat room.

Okay, yeah.

He's a good guy.

He has some of his involves.

See, I know more than you think.

I thought you said surfer.

He's a skater.

He's a pro skater.

Don't punch me, motherfucker.

Is he really a pro skater?

Yeah, he's a pro skater.

She probably gets, like, some hot chicks.

I don't know.

So I can go party.

When I get to Chicago, I'm going to go party with Mad Men.

Janet Ferris says, Carlito, are you washing your ass?

Oh, Carlito, your ass needs to be washed.

She sees baby wipes on me.

Does she really?

That's nice.

When I was, like, 13, she still would.

Oh, you touched your dick.

She was always crying.

Carlito Smalls sounds like a black woman at a funeral.

She cried all the time.

Oh, he's so smart.

He's so beautiful.

All right, enough of that.

Enough of that.

I wish I had to take the call.

I wish I would have to take the call when she called and yelled at me.

That tape probably still exists in micro tape.

It's on micro tape.

No, I'm talking about when she called for the beer.

Oh, that?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's right.

You're so beautiful.

She didn't cry.

She didn't cry, stupid.

He cried the whole fucking time.

Stupid.

Good evening.

Hello, sir.

Hello, is that Abato?

Yes.

Yeah, Duncan Restaurant.

You can come over to pick up your food now.

What are you talking about?

Hello?

Can I transfer you, please?

Huh?

Do you have an extension?

Oh, extension?

Uh, one second.

Let me see the mail.

Okay.

Extension, one second.

Extension.

You are 1101.

1101?

1101.

Okay, just one moment, please.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm ready.

Yo, who is this, yo?

Hello?

Yo, what's up?

Huh?

Yo, what's up?

Yeah, your food.

You order the food.

I'm ready for you.

Yo, you got some food for me?

Yeah, come over.

Yo, yeah, bring that over, man.

Huh?

Yo, bring that shit over.

Yeah.

What you got?

Yo, what you got?

What you got for me?

Yeah, 69.

69?

Yeah.

Yo, you got 69 for me?

Yeah, ready.

Okay, you ready for 69 with me?

Uh-huh.

Okay, yo, bring it over, yo.

Okay, come over here.

Pick it up.

Nah, dog.

Dog, I didn't order nothing, but you bring it, deliver it, I'll get that.

I want some 69, yo.

No, thank you.

Yo, that shit feels good.

You want some over?

No, I want 69, come on.

Yo, give me that 69.

Yo, why you so loud?

Sir, my food now, sir.

I need to eat some food, and this is rude.

I hear your gobbledygook in the background, and I think you should talk to me.

Biatch.

Sir.

Sir, can I get my food now?

I'm going to come down there and pick up my food and eat it,

And then you can watch me eat it

And I'll probably turn you on

Because you're a gay gook

I'm not so angry

Let's listen to the

Find it background real quick

Before we hang up

What's up

Just hung up too

Well

We confused the hell out of him

And uh

Andy's uh

Talking to Madman

I'm just saying

You're talking to Madman

I didn't say anything

I'm not gonna mention anything

I'm just saying

Andy and uh

And shit

Are doing that shit

Andy's doing that shit

Right now

Talking to

To Madman

Well good

Oh fuck

I can't get Andy right

Okay

Okay, you don't even know where that is.

I thought you knew what Chicago was, man.

I didn't live there until I was a jitterbug.

Since you were a jitterbug.

You can get a map or something, man.

That's some shit.

So you're going to live with your dad for a while?

No, actually, I'll probably live with my Uncle Wally.

My dad's house is really annoying.

Okay, but you didn't have a dog?

He's got two dogs, and they bark constantly.

What are they called?

What's their name?

They're Irish Setters.

I just burnt the hair on my knuckles.

Do you smell it?

No.

I burnt the hair on my knuckles.

I can't smell it over the mildew in your mouth.

You can't smell that because I can't smell it.

You can't smell it at all.

Don't say that.

It's not nice.

Be nice, everybody.

In the chat room, what's going on in the chat room?

People were laughing at that.

They said I should talk like Eddie, and I did.

Saigon was enjoying that.

Good to see Saigon having a good time.

And he's going to go take a piss.

And let me see who else I can call.

So anyway, if you didn't get it, that's the Bonk Can restaurant that we made an order with Tuck earlier.

They called back to confirm the order was ready.

And I confused them.

Whoop-de-de-doo.

Okay.

At a casino where a tough security guy answered about two and a half hours ago.

But we'll try to call it the Desert Diamond Casino in Arizona.

We'll be right back with that.

Thank you.

Pretty cold.

I didn't take any beers out.

I didn't mean to.

I didn't do it.

I had to get to my water.

And you didn't put them back in there.

So now they're warm.

I wanted my water.

You're lucky they're in a fucking plastic container that keeps them cold for a long,

real long time.

You know.

Motherfucker, I pay rent here.

You know.

Fuck you.

I pay the rent here.

You don't pay the rent here.

Son of a bitch.

You don't pay the rent here.

I pay the rent here, sir.

I pay the rent here.

Who is this?

Who are you calling for, sir?

Desert Diamond Casino.

Well, I pay the rent.

Desert Diamond Casino.

I know.

I pay the rent, Desert Diamond Casino.

I pay the rent there.

Are you calling?

I pay the rent.

I'm calling.

Excuse me, casino.

If my beers were in the fridge, would you take them out and leave them on the counter?

Look, those are my beers.

You wouldn't do that, would you?

Those are my beers.

I'm mad at you.

Ugh.

He's gone.

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Try to call him again.

Andy, they were out there for like 15 minutes now.

Cold. Cold.

Luke Cold.

Thank you for calling the Desert Island Casino.

Thank you. Please hold.

What the fuck is Luke Cold? Never heard of it.

Move out there, man.

Your call is being handled by our automated attendant.

I'm sorry, I did not understand that.

I'll give you something to understand, you fucking bitch.

Alright.

You know who Crab Girl is, Andy?

No.

You should look into this, man.

What?

Kinda.

Crab Girl is like this, uh...

Sam... uh, not a samurai.

right uh siamese looking woman thing yeah everyone in chicago drives 20 to 30 miles over the limit

always is your uh microphone i think your mic got cut no no i don't think you're registering

no oh there we go now you're now you're okay yeah when i was i was only up there for two weeks and

everybody runs through red lights and they speed anywhere you go it takes like 50 minutes you go

to the fucking grocery store there's so much traffic up there like i was saying to my pops

So I was like, man, I was like, I don't, you know, I don't hate Chicago, but I hate the

fucking traffic.

People are retarded up here.

Why would you want to move to that, man?

That, like, my biggest thing is traffic.

$32 an hour.

As long as I'm over there.

Okay, okay.

You got me there.

Yeah.

How much does it cost to live in, though?

Is it more?

Not much.

I could probably get an apartment for maybe, like, $100 more.

Like, a one-room apartment there, probably about $850 or, you know, I'm not going to

live in the city.

I'm going to live out in the suburbs somewhere.

Okay.

All right.

I mean, after, like, I'm going to work out by a house, like, way the fuck out there,

so I'll have to drive, like, two hours, and then, you know, but...

Damn.

I'm not living in a city where, like, you know, I'm always worried there's going to

be some kind of apocalypse or something like that, and then I want to be, you know, as

far out as possible so everybody in the city kills themselves before they get around to

killing me.

So you're going to get me some refrigerant, man?

No.

Give me some, uh, some R-22.

No.

That's some good stuff.

I don't need to give you anything.

Sure you can.

I can get refrigerant if I wanted.

You were rude to me, and you put my beers out of the kitchen.

Hey, that was an accident.

I was just trying to get to my water, and I got distracted.

That's all it was.

Fuck you, shitless.

I'm sorry.

Shitless.

Fuck you, man.

I went and I took a piss, and I powered my stream up real hard.

It's hard like a piss.

And you got pissed everywhere.

No, I pissed a lot of the mold off one of the sides.

Oh, hey, thanks, man.

I appreciate that.

Yeah.

So I'm helping.

Okay, I'm going to take a shit later tonight.

That'll kind of clear it out for me.

You're going to aim your shit on the side of the mold?

Yeah, on the side of the mold.

yeah just like that okay much like my brother my dad has no solid shits he just like like really

yeah like all watery i hope that ever happens to me that was like when i'm drinking and heavy

drug days i never had a solid shit yeah madman has a 1979 porsche 928 v8 that he takes to his

car show every thursday fuck that my dad has a 1967 or 1966 charger what do you think about that

madman wow 1976 charger 1960 66 or 67 i think it's 66 he could trick it out he is he's fucking

getting it hooked up so far he's been like 20 grand on it so far it's 1981 pre-cars only really

that sounds kind of cool i like to see that yeah see i'll go yeah i'm sure he knows that cruise

nights madman cruise nights cruise nights he's planning on going yes see look at that see see

madman and my dad are probably homeboys that's crazy he must be listening on my stream yeah i

I guess he's one of them.

He's the one person on your stream.

Yeah, there's four people on there.

But that's pretty cool.

He's actually hearing it all instantly.

That's kind of cool.

Yeah, my dad is like, he's going to have his car.

Right now it's getting painted.

It's a 66 Charger, and I guess it'll be done around January.

Like, he's all excited.

Okay.

Right?

He just bought a Crossfire while I was up there.

He has a new Crossfire.

He's all excited about driving that thing.

What's a Crossfire?

It's a Dodge.

It's like a half minivan, half car.

I'm going to get a half SUV.

I'm going to get a jet ski, man.

I seriously want to get a jet ski.

Look at Shamu on a jet ski, dude.

Shamu want to drive a jet ski.

Look at Shamu once he got tired of swimming because he's on a jet ski.

It's a manatee, not a Shamu.

What are you going to get out of a jet ski?

They will call me a manatee, not a Shamu.

How are you going to get it from place to place?

You don't have a hitch on your car.

I'm going to say now, I'll say it in the future.

I'll just dock it somewhere.

I'll dock it.

Okay, you're stupid.

I'm going to dock it.

You don't want to dock my seat.

You're going to drive to Cuba and pick up the rest of your family.

On a jet skiing on a drive to Cuba?

Yeah.

Not enough gas to do that.

You can hang a couple gas cans from the back and drag them through the water.

The shark will attack.

Yeah, the pirates will get you, though.

You'll eat the shark.

There's pirates out there.

Pirates will get me.

I'm going to eat that shark.

Oh, God, me too.

Make sure the shark is fully cooked.

Have you ever had shark before?

It tastes good.

I had some deep fried shark once.

Actually, it was the best fish I ever had, but I don't like fish.

It was okay.

It was kind of, I don't know, kind of lemony kind of taste.

Right.

I'm not saying lemony, but it had this weird taste to it.

I didn't like it that much.

It's kind of sour.

Kind of, kind of sour.

Don't dress in white Carlito, Earthdog says.

Ah, yeah, I get it.

What?

Because then I'd be Shamu.

Because I'd be white.

White and he's got a black back.

And just paint the black, yeah, the back black.

Don't dress in a shirt that's white in front and black in the back.

Yeah.

Don't wear a tuxedo.

That's what I can't do.

Yep.

Okay.

Moving right along.

As we continue, it is now 12.55 a.m. on Friday.

It's almost 1 a.m.

This was the latest show I think we ever had, right?

In a while.

We used to go up to like 1.30 back in the day.

Did we?

Back in the day four months ago, like Pimp Slut says.

What did we call?

Wilson Losers sent a number for Hooters in Mesa.

Hooters of Mesa and a Holmes food mart.

Superstition Springs.

What's Superstition Springs?

I got a sneaky superstition, man.

I got to throw salt over my shoulder.

You want to call Dunkin' Donuts again?

Yeah, let's call them.

I'm going to take a sign and call Dunkin' Donuts again.

I'll challenge them to a fight.

All right.

I challenge you to a duel, sir.

I'm going to come down there with my street gang, the Tigers.

Yeah, the Tigers.

Hang on, everybody.

Next call's coming.

The Buffalo.

First and last letter to everyone.

Dunkin' Donuts, can I help you?

Who's this?

I'm good.

Perhaps you can explain to me the secret of the donut.

What?

Perhaps you can explain to me the secret of the donut.

Oh, secret.

Do you want me to explain for you?

Yeah.

What do you want me to explain?

What do you want me to explain for you?

How do you, um...

How is there a big hole in the middle of it?

A what?

Like when I eat a donut, right?

It's a circle.

But there's a hole, there's a part of it missing in the middle.

Right?

Okay.

How do you do that?

How do you...

I'm sorry, I don't know that much.

Come over and I'll show you how we do it.

Wait a minute, you're going to beat me up too?

No.

I don't want to get beat up, ma'am.

I got to...

No, don't scare him.

Oh, okay.

I shouldn't be scared.

Okay, sorry.

I'm sorry, but how do you put the frosting on it if it's not a whole donut, like it's a circle?

You know what, we don't have time for you now because I have a customer, okay?

You have a customer, ma'am?

Yeah, you can come in and ask a boy.

Quit threatening me, lady.

I don't like to be threatened.

You're going to hit me, right?

Oh, yeah?

Can I speak to the gentleman?

Oh, yeah, are you threatening me?

Sure.

Him.

Yeah, I mean, gentlemen.

She talks just like him.

Start cursing him out.

We'll talk to her mama.

Hey, listen, you motherfucker, I'll kill you.

Motherfucker.

Fuck you, bitch, motherfucker.

That's him.

Enter the number you wish to call.

That's him calm.

We'll try to call him maybe one more time later.

She is pretty funny.

You gotta yell when I hang up the phone.

You gotta yell until now.

She was pretty funny, too.

I liked her.

She was great, man.

She wanted me to come down.

She wanted me to peel it back and beat it up.

Probably.

We should call her back and say, yeah, your mom wants to see me.

Just talk to your mom.

I told you your mom was a hoe.

She likes us, man.

That was his mom.

That's funny.

We should ask her, is that your son?

Was that his mom?

I thought it was probably his sister.

Or maybe just another girl who works there.

I don't know.

It might be his mom.

Do we even know that guy's name?

I have no idea what that guy's name is.

I bet it's like Hockman or something like that.

Yeah.

Hassan.

Or Seat Clone Homegrown.

Or Riyadh.

This is clone homegrown.

Thank you for cutting duck and donuts.

The eyebrows, coffee, and internet.

I with a lowercase i as in iPod.

That's cute.

That's a new thing to do.

It used to be E.

Hey, you know who builds iPods?

Uh, Backstamp?

Slave labor.

Yeah, I read that.

Steve Jobs denies it, though.

Oh, is this our hero, Glenn Zaharsky?

No, it's Dr. Legose.

Oh, no.

Good evening.

Go ahead.

Hello, sir.

You're on the air.

Are you guys still doing the show?

Yeah.

How's it going?

Good.

We're doing good.

We're doing the show.

Yeah, you know, I tuned in my radio.

I couldn't kick you motherfuckers up.

You can't?

Oh, yeah, you have to.

It's the internet.

Yeah.

Do you have AOL?

What the fuck?

I turned on my fucking radio and what?

I can't fucking tune you guys in?

What the fuck is this?

You have to turn on your computer radio.

What the fuck are you talking about my computer?

I've got, I've got, you know, all kinds of radios.

Sir, do you have a computer at least?

Computer, but what's that got to do with the radio?

Come on, man, I want to hear this shit on a regular radio.

Well, that's where we are.

Just, yeah, we're working on it.

We're not that big yet, sir.

Sure, I want to hit you with a brick.

You know, fucking bullshit, okay?

You know, it's like, why can't things just be simple?

I put a button and there you are.

Why do I got a fucking HTTP colon slash my fucking colon?

What the fuck, man?

Eventually, we'll be on the radio.

You'll be able to hear us wherever you want, and it'll be a great day.

I'm sure we're destined for that.

We'll make a lot of money.

I bet that's going to happen, because what's probably going to go on is you're probably going to, like...

We're going to buy some coke, and we're going to snort it off your girl's ass crack.

Yeah.

Kim, we got this girl.

All right.

We got this girl, Kim.

You and the rest of the fucking...

You and the rest of the world.

We're going to go for...

And then we're all going to get sloppy seconds, thirds, fourths, et cetera, et cetera.

Yeah, that's why, you know, that's why the dead wants to come over here, man.

He don't even want to see me.

You want to watch him fuck your girl

One guy I don't want to watch fuck my girl

What guy do you want to watch fuck your girl

Shaq

Barry Sanders

George Carlin

George Carlin 1979 or now

Okay now

Would you let him fuck your girl

While you watch him masturbate in the corner

Bill Clinton 1985 or now

Bill Clinton 96

He could fuck her.

What about Carmen Electra?

The only chick that would really fucking work for me right now is Thelma Hyatt.

Telly Savalas.

Yes or no?

Telly Savalas like Jack or Telly Savalas like fucking corpse?

Kojak.

Yeah, Kojak.

I'd let Kojak fuck me.

Wow, really?

Oh, Kojak?

Why not, man?

He could stick his lollipop in my ass.

Or twiddle it around.

We're learning a lot about you today, Dr. Lego.

What?

We're learning a lot about you.

Not really.

Oh my God, someone's breaking in.

Hey, Khalil, you heard that fucking prank I did the other night on Zola's show?

Did you hear that?

No.

Oh my God, it was brilliant.

What were we doing?

It was probably the best prank ever on TCU.

What was I doing Friday, Athena?

She just walked in.

She's busy.

It wasn't Friday.

It was Saturday night because Zola was covering for fucking KDK.

Oh, yeah.

We got home right when Zola was finishing.

We were wondering why KDK wasn't on and he was explaining it.

It was late.

And KDK was, like, fucking, like, oh, Keith, Keith, your cock is too big.

He had a hemorrhoid that busted on him, probably.

That's what happened.

Yeah, so, um, so what's up with you, man?

How you been?

Nah, you know, bro, I've just been, honestly, bro, I'm fucking running, like, I don't know

how I'm even on the phone with you guys right now.

I had a fucking crazy-ass week.

I've been really working crazy again, and then, like, I was just about to go to sleep

because I have a long weekend of fucking gigs

and I had a server go out on me

and figured out we'd just resolve that issue.

I'll tell you, bro, you got like, you know, 75 to 100...

What the fuck's going on?

Attack fuck your girl while you watch?

How about me? Could I hit that?

Yeah, man, as long as you got your afro all fucking, like, pulled out, it's good.

No, no, what are you...

Pulled out?

I'm gonna wear, like, as much clothes as I can.

Pretty much I'll probably, like, pull down my zipper

and then pull my dick out of that.

Yeah, just stick your cock through your, like, zipper and...

Yeah, and keep the lights off.

And go

Let me ask you this though

It would really work for me

You could bang Kim

But it would really work for me

If like Athena was like

Just standing there

Like watching the whole thing

That's not my crew

I can't promise that

All I need is like

Maybe like five seconds though

I can work myself up

That's three seconds more than me bro

Yeah I'll give you a two pump chump

No problem

You know

Most guys get like six pumps

But I'm overweight

So it'll take me a little while

I gotcha

Real quick, not to be a pest, but we're trying to get the shoutcast problem fixed,

and I believe KDK thinks that you might be able to fix it by just reinstalling an older version.

I've been doing everything he's been asking me to do.

And it's not working, really?

Now he's telling me that he wants me to go to an older version of shoutcast.

It doesn't make any fucking sense to me,

because why would shoutcast a newer version that was working already?

Maybe you fucked up?

Did you fuck up?

You know, I'm going to look into this with my tech in more detail in the morning.

All right.

But I've got to tell you, I reset the server the other day.

I did some things to the server.

I reset what's called Linux, if you know what that is.

The Shoutcast server is watching the log live, and it said connected Shoutcast,

and then it said YP communication thing, and it was Shoutcast, and it was accepted.

I don't know.

I'm confused.

I think the problem is all in your part of the community.

I don't know.

It's possible, but you know what?

I'm telling you, I saw it on me.

You should get that shit fixed, and maybe everybody will be happy.

Well, we're looking into it.

I'm going to look into it further, you know.

I mean, right now, I'll be honest with you, I don't know what the problem is.

I'm not saying it is.

I'm not our source.

And honestly, it was a few months ago, and I noticed it, and I should have followed through.

But you know what?

When you can, you can.

It's cool for now.

I mean, we're listening.

I told KDK, I told him by Monday, I'll bet you one or the other.

We appreciate it.

I mean, we're kind of squatting here, and it's all thanks to you, and you're really involved in it.

You're giving us a chance to be on here.

Maybe anti-Semitism?

Do you ever think maybe they found out you're Jewish?

Maybe.

Hey, you know what?

Dude, you don't have to thank me, because, you know, I'm in with you guys.

I think you're appreciating it.

Maybe shout-outs by a bunch of Hispanic motherfuckers.

Maybe the fact that I'm Jewish can tighten it.

I'm really critical about you and how much they hate you, and they're going to get you thrown off of Winamp.

Check that.

Yeah, I'm a nigger with the niggers and the Jews, that's me, I'm a nigger, you know what, I'm probably, I'm probably got some stick in me too, so, I say we just go, I just say we just walk our shoutcast, you know, riot and take over, shoutcast, on

White Twitty.

I have everything off their desk.

Their desk's over.

Yeah, we need to burn a car in the parking lot, too.

Come on, bitch.

Burn a car in the parking lot.

Yeah.

It always gets a message across.

Yeah, steal their, uh, racers.

Okay.

I didn't hear my prank the other night.

If anybody recorded that prank I did with Zola,

email that to me, because I don't have that much.

KDK says, real quick, not to go back to that,

but he says that Shoutcast is ignoring servers

running the newest Linux server software.

Well, that's what he says, but it doesn't make sense.

Why would they do that?

It might be a reason for you to need to roll back.

All right, well, I'll tell you what I think I'm going to do, honestly.

I'll figure it out by Monday.

I'm going to actually move.

I do have about two.

I might as well edge of it.

I'll show off onto a Windows.

Why don't we call them and just start threatening people?

He didn't have a phone number, a shoutcast?

Yeah, look, shoutcast, if you don't want a bunch of 16-year-old virgins coming down there and pushing you around...

Yeah, if anyone gets that phone number, it's Lonesome Loser.

You know, KDK, he's writing in all caps, and he seems to be upset.

He's very dramatic right now.

He says, we know how to fix it, everybody.

Jesus, people, we know what to do.

Come on, listen to me.

You know what, KDK, just say that might not be the fix.

We thought fuck the other yp.shoutcamp.com fix, right?

See, if it's not working good, I'm just going to move it over the windows.

Is this shit, boy?

This way they hate niggers and Jews.

You tell me they hate gays.

Well, Lego, I'm going to boycott.

What's that about?

Showcast.

I'm going to boycott.

Boycott.

I'm going to boycott.

Showcast.

Boycott.

Yeah, him too.

And then, let's see, Saigon's posting lot.

Boycotted.

I think we should move, honestly, we should just move TCU over to the, like, I think at least the Christian network.

And that's one of our problems?

Well, just that, you know, they're like, you know, even let live. It's that movie, uh...

Christians are? I think you're...

It's all confusing. The religion thing is all confusing.

Yeah.

Right now.

I'm confused.

I've been...

It's still our rib, sister.

Hey, Lego, you wanna, do you wanna do a prank call real quick, man?

No, but I will.

Yeah, asshole.

I got a Hooters or I got an eyebrows, coffee, internet shit.

That's what's conferred recently that I'm sure we'll pick up still at this time.

The other ones, we run the risk that they won't pick up.

Whoever.

Unless you want to call a casino.

We can call a casino.

Hooters, or who's the other one?

Hooters.

We got a, looks like a coffee internet shop, and then we have some casinos in Arizona also.

All right, you pick it, Joe.

Who doesn't know?

Okay, we'll call the Casino of the Sun, all right?

Yeah.

And this is in Arizona.

In case they ask you, Tucson, in case, you know, you want to do a gig thing or something

like that, tell them you're in Tucson.

All right, everybody.

Everybody, hang on.

Lego's coming with another prank call.

And we'll play Wesley Willis for Lego.

We'll be right back after this.

Thank you for calling, Mr. Holtzall.

Hello.

Holtzall.

I'm sorry?

What's the one that booked you?

I think I spoke to what senator's name, the big guy.

Okay, let me see if I can get his cell number.

Hold on one second.

Okay, that'd be great.

Hold on one second.

Let me actually call him first.

That way I can make sure he's answering.

Okay?

Hold on one second.

What are you calling, Hank?

Yeah, Tank.

Oh, Tank.

Yeah.

Is that the one that booked you?

I'm not sure if it was Tank or...

Is there a girl there also?

Is she around?

Well, I'd have to call them on their cell.

Who are you?

I'm the switchboard.

What's your name?

I'm Norma. I'm at the switchboard.

Norma at the switchboard.

All right. You know what? Can you...

Oh, man. Can you...

Let me ask you a question, all right?

I mean, if we screw this up,

do you think they're going to, like, fire me?

Do you think they're not going to use us anymore?

Because I don't want to...

Because I could send...

I have a friend right over there in Arizona

A band I could send in

Maybe they'll never know the difference

I have no idea

I mean

I mean, like, you know, we do

You know, we do all the Top 40 stuff

And this other band I have

They do it all

Well, like I said

I'd have to get a hold of whoever booked you

But I don't

I think it was Michelle

But honestly

Michelle

Norma, what I'm asking is

Maybe let's not let

Let's not let them lead on to it

I could send the, you know

The little midgets in

To start

And maybe, you know

You know, we'll show up to do that and get away with it.

I mean, let me ask you this.

Joe, Hank, do they come in and check it?

I have no idea.

I can't really answer that.

But let me ask you this.

When you're booked and you come into the casino, do you have to have a certain pass?

Well, give me a pass.

You know, usually when I play the casinos, I just walk in and I say who I am,

and, you know, they give me the ID cards right then and there on the spot, you know.

Okay.

I mean, I believe this, you know, I believe that's the way

I don't know if we've played that casino before

You know, I play casinos all, you know, from Las Vegas to, you know, to Cullen Springs

You know, I'm sure, you know, my drawer's out

I think he's got like

Let me see, so are you playing here tonight or

No, we're doing that tomorrow, but we're about, we're literally, you know, we're on schedule

schedule. I mean, we're still in Chicago, you know, and we should be able to, I mean,

because we usually drive 75, 80, maybe even 90. Like I said, let me give somebody a call

and... You know what, give me Hank's cell phone. Let me call him, because I don't have

time for his number again. I had it, but I just don't have it. Hold on, let me look for

it. Hold on one second. Okay. Hey, Lego. Yeah. If we can get Tank's number, we'll call him.

Oh, yeah. Go ahead. Quick update while we can. Four hours ago, they posted the fix

for the Linux problem with the YP for the shoutcast.

Literally four hours ago, the fix got posted.

Oh, it's...

No, you need to download the fix and install it.

It's a patch, and it'll fix the problem.

Literally four hours ago.

Thank you for holding.

You'll send me the link.

Uh, 10-4.

You email me the link?

Dr. Leggoo, email me the link, and I'll take care of it.

It's done. It's taking care of business.

I like it.

P-C-B-Y.

This can't be yogurt.

It's the country's best yogurt.

You know what?

Just...

Dead's ass?

Yeah, no, it was...

It was a dead's ass.

You know she's on the other phone calling.

TURN

TANK

OH MOTHERFUCKA THIS IS TANK

TANK LONGBO

TANK REDCORN

THIS IS TANK REDCORN

HE SAYS YOU ARE A FOOL OF SHIT

BITCH MOTHERFUCKA

WHY DO THEY KEEP ME ON HOME LIKE THIS

I HAD A HARD TIME FINDING THE NUMBER

ACTUALLY I CAN CONNECT YOU DIRECTLY

HOLD ON

WHAT'S THE NUMBER JUST SO I HAVE IT

IN CASE WE GET DISCONNECTED

4-0-5

7-9

Norma, I'm just going to call Tank directly

Well, I can transfer you straight to him

It's the same area code, right?

The 5-2-0, yes

I can transfer you straight over there right now

Norma, do you ever go see the bands that play there?

Sometimes, I mean, we're not really allowed on the floor

They don't allow you on the floor?

Well, we work in the back

I work in the back

Yeah?

So after you're done working

and you don't go out and see the band?

No, we're not allowed to be out on the floor.

Even after you're off?

Unless we're going to get something to eat or something.

Because, honestly, you've been so nice that I would, you know,

what I would do is I would want to give you free, like, access to see the band

and be on VIP.

So they'll put you in the VIP and we'll lick the alphabet.

Yeah, well, like I said, we're not really allowed because of policies.

Because, I mean, honestly, I would put you in VIP,

VIPs sit you on a couch, lick the alphabet, and send you to the moon.

You know what I'm saying?

That sounds nice, but like I said, employees normally, unless they're out working on the floor,

that's the only time they're allowed out there.

Right.

Well, I think I'm going to have to talk to Tank about that policy because I want him to know that you've been a doll

and you've really helped us out a lot here, and I appreciate your kindness and your courtesy.

Okay.

Let me go ahead and transfer you then to him.

Okay?

All right.

All right, and thank you, and seriously, the licking of the alphabet, off is on the table.

Okay, let me try that again.

Thank you.

Okay.

What do you think Tank is going to sound like?

That's a tank.

Tank.

Hello.

I got your number.

I'm confused.

We want you to put in there.

They told me that a van that was playing tomorrow had car problems.

I'm a little confused, but I know I can't book you tomorrow.

I don't have a showroom.

I don't have anything going on tomorrow.

All right, so when can you get us in?

Well, you know, we're a pretty big attraction.

and we play all over Vegas.

And, you know, we use that line just to get us in, you know.

That's the message in the door.

You can send me a press kit if you'd like, but not a big fan of the...

You're not a big fan of what?

Just to get my cell phone.

I apologize for that, but you know what?

It's called engineering.

A lot of people, you know, feel you've got to do what you've got to do

to get where you've got to go, you know.

Take care.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Tank.

Can you get me in there?

Please enter the number you wish to call.

Let's call his cell phone.

Okay, you ready?

Tank's a dick.

All right, I got it, I got it.

He should be called every night of the week by the PCU people.

Hang on, guys.

I'm almost out of phone juice.

I'm about to end the show.

All right, you guys take it from here.

Mini kiss.

Remember, mini kiss.

Pandemic.

Just say your phone number.

Same.

I'm going to get back to you.

Shoot a response.

Call me at jason.com.

Underscore C, jason.com.

Everybody got that?

Everybody got that.

Hope everybody got that.

Sign that one up for all the porn.

Hey, James.

James, we're going to try to get a hold of you.

We're interested in bringing our unique style

Of Christian music

To your casino

And converting everybody over to

Jews

So get a hold of us at

888-278-8509

And that's for Carlito

Thank you

We're going to bring plenty of fire water

And smallpox

We have smallpox

And fire water

And you messed with the wrong people

Yeah.

You did.

Lego?

I did.

You did a great job.

You can't win every one of them, but, you know, that Norma, she was a...

She was.

All right, dude.

Well, hey, that was good, man.

I sent you the email, and Katie...

Okay, I'll take it.

Maybe, you know, then if I fix it, you know, maybe you can let me speak to Athena one night.

Definitely.

And you know, the good thing about this Lego, we fixed this, the station is going to blow up.

We have plenty of talent on board.

Zolar is involved again.

You're involved.

We've got a new show starting on Tuesday.

Zolar is not...

He's just a mean, vulgar...

I like that.

The kids like that.

That's what's important, man.

Yeah, but I'm just saying, you know, it's like, you know, he's not really that talented.

He's just, you know, he's just like naturally a mean person, so...

Well, he's the SpongeBob SquarePants of our show, of our network, definitely.

Yeah, I would say.

That's what the kids like.

All right.

I would say, I would think...

Remember when Bud Bunny became Grandmaster B?

That was good.

That was great.

I remember that.

You might not know what I'm talking about, but that was...

I don't really remember.

All right, Lego, we'll send your best to Kim.

Thank you very much.

And, yeah, hey, man.

Thanks for fucking giving me the hook.

And thanks for everything that you provide for us.

You know what?

Don't call us.

All right, peace out, my friend.

Andy says bye.

He's coming back.

Bye, everybody.

Bye, Andy.

Bye, Andy, you little freak.

Andy, you little freak.

He calls you a little freak.

He knows the truth.

Bye.

Oh, no.

Control in front of me.

Okay, here we go.

Lego and Andy, friends forever.

Whoa.

Andy's got a butt buddy.

All right.

Whoa, who's that?

Klops is your butt buddy, Andy.

I mean, congratulations, man.

Who's Klops?

I don't know.

Some guy.

Cyclops, my dad.

Look at these people we don't even know.

Who's Klops and who's Dupree?

We don't know who these people are.

I don't know.

Dupree sounds a lot like you.

How dare they?

Well, everybody, it's late, right, Andy?

It's 1.30.

It is.

We've never done a show this late before.

No, and I think it went pretty well.

Best show of all time.

Yeah, so good news.

Let's do the whole.

Let me read what happened here in Miami.

What the hell is this?

Okay, let's see.

Okay.

Okay, now in Miami, we already said this earlier, several people in custody after a sweep by law enforcement authorities, connection with an alleged plot against targets that may have included the Sears Tower.

Officials said no weapons or bomb-making materials were found.

Just doing that real quickly here.

They say, law enforcement sources told CNN, the arrest disrupted what may have been the early stages of a domestic terrorist plot to attack the Sears Tower in Chicago, Illinois, the FBI building in Miami, and possibly other targets.

110-story Sears Tower is the world's third tallest building, the tallest in North America after the collapse of the World Trade Center, I suppose, right?

Security officials regularly speak with the FBI.

The Sears Tower rules.

It is a nice building.

Uh, law enforcement officials said that, uh, some of the suspects are members of a radical

Muslim group.

Uh, we already talked about this.

They took an Al-Qaeda oath, whatever.

However, I wonder how you do that.

Um, is that the, is that like what the mafia does when they cut their hand?

You think that's how they do it?

Yeah.

Maybe they just, uh, fuck a goat.

Um, one was an illegal immigrant from Haiti whose visa had expired and the seventh was

a resident alien.

So.

Oh, shit.

The greys are involved?

Yeah.

The greys are involved.

The reptoids.

The reptilians are involved, everybody.

Watch out.

Jeb Bush said the governor had been notified Thursday morning.

So the real governor, no.

Sounds like bullshit.

A spokesman for governor, Jeb Bush, said he had been notified Thursday morning.

Blah, blah, blah.

So I think it's bullshit, myself.

I don't buy it.

I think it's coming at a very opportune time to get our minds off of things like Marines being charged.

I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about.

He was talking about a different Andy.

Andy. Some different Andy.

Okay, good. I'll punch you out.

Yeah, he was talking about a different Andy.

Okay. Well, a big thanks to every...

Oh, yeah. I need to thank Soul in the chatroom.

Soul. Apparently, he's the cat who found the fix that we need for the Linux server for the shoutcast.

Big shoutout.

Big shoutout to him and to KDK for bringing that around.

And giving a super gay high five.

Yes. To all of you and a slap on the ass.

Everybody who called in tonight, Andy, try to help me out.

Clone Homegrown, Pimp Slut, Tuck, Randy Dandy, Zolar, that's it, I think.

Someone else, the guy who called in, who didn't know his name.

Clone Homegrown?

This sucks.

Randy Dandy called in.

Anybody else we're forgetting, we're sorry.

Lonesome Loser, thank you for confirming numbers for us.

You did a very good job.

Breaking news, Bill Hicks rises from the grave and chokes the shit out of George Bush.

Okay.

Didn't Bill Hicks play for the Yankees?

I don't know.

He sucks.

I don't know.

He sold a car to my dad once.

There's a car dealership called Bill Hicks Cars in Sanford.

And everybody who listened, everybody who contributed with numbers,

everybody else who did, rather, Madman.

We got 40 listeners at, like, 1 in the morning.

Yeah, that's not bad.

Not bad for 1.30 in the morning.

We used to be up around 100, weren't we?

Yeah.

Well, this, I'm saying hopefully, and I'd say if we get this fixed with

shoutcasts in about a month. We'll be back up to

our normal 60, 70

listeners, maybe. Yeah, fuck.

You didn't think the people on the shoutcasts would be able to

find us, you know? Yeah, they can't search

for us. That's the problem.

It's like, let's say, if we're on the radio

and a lot of

majority of people, I'd say, on regular radio

will find your show for the first time

by just scanning the channels and stuff.

This has been preventing us from being able to show up

and us being, you know,

that's pretty much what I'm trying to say. That's what the problem is.

So we don't have anyone new. Exactly.

Exactly.

We just have word of mouth and old people right now.

And that's what I'm talking about.

That's what our problem is.

Thankfully, the right things are working out, and we've got this worked out.

And this is a great night.

It's a reason for celebration.

And if I had a celebratory song, I'd play it.

Do you guys celebrate good times?

I don't.

By the Bee Gees, I think.

No, that was by the Commodores.

I don't know who the fuck it was, the Commodores.

But we're going to call it a night.

Andy, thanks for showing up, man.

No problem.

Welcome back, as I said before.

Yes, it is good to be here.

sweating my ass off and have $320

power bills. Good.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Power is expensive here.

Well, you know. We can't all have

that Chicago money.

You're going to do a lake effect

snow and all that shit, man. You're stupid.

Lake effect snow. That's what I always hear about

in Chicago. Lake effect snow.

It's like a big thing out there.

That happens to the city, not the suburbs.

Really? Yeah, because the city is a giant...

Well, I mean, you've never been there,

but like...

Uh, there, there are the suburbs that have bigger downtowns than Orlando, right?

Okay.

So the downtown Chicago is like a giant wall of like, uh, great for this shit.

So they don't really get off, you know, the lake watch.

Okay.

Well, good.

We'll be fine.

Great show.

Carl and Anderson.

Okay.

That's where, if we were lawyers, we'd be that.

Carl and Anderson.

Carl and Anderson want to sue you if you, if you get your dog bites on one.

And Earthdog is reminding me to plug our MySpace page for PCU Radio,

myspace.com forward slash PCU Radio.

I think I'm a friend of that.

Yes, you are.

I think I saw you running around in there today.

Everybody should be my friend.

Appleseed is yours, myspace.com forward slash Appleseed.

And mine is myspace.com forward slash Madhouse Radio.

I don't know if I'm Apple.

I might be Appleseed79.

You know, I think you are Appleseed79.

I think we lost the music.

It comes back.

It's weird.

these tracks are fucked up on this album

that I ripped

thanks everybody for calling in

and thanks everybody for listening

tell a friend

and we'll catch you here next week

have a good weekend

What the fuck is this?

Oh, God.

Man, you're gay, man.

You don't know who you is, dude.

What the fuck is this?

You're a fucking pervert.

You know what I did?

Man, he scared me.

I don't know.

I didn't get my number.

I got your dirty laundry.

I got your dirty laundry over here.

Dude, who is this?

Hold on.

On my face.

I want one person right here, and that person for the rest.

Can't stay in your car.

You like this is a block number?

I ain't know a block number.

No conversation.

Don't make me call the police.

Yeah, you know what's up.

I'm going to blackmail you.

I'm scared.

Turkey-ass motherfucker, what's your problem now?

Jive turkey, you bitch.

You didn't hear it, boy.

You jive turkey motherfucker.

Who you talking to, son?

What do you mean?

Man, you can show me a place, dude.

I'm about to go whoop some motherfuckers ass

because I don't even know who the fuck you're talking about.

How much are you going to charge, you guy?

Pick somebody up over here to attack the tab.

Man, this ain't no motherfucking taxi charge.

You're talking about fucking picking somebody up

or whooping some goddamn ass.

I kicked your ass and shot a little bitch in your goddamn mother.

What?

Your mother.

You motherfucking nigga, how you like that, you piece of shit?

I know, you're a fucking nigga, you just bitch.

You nigga, motherfucker.

How you like it, man?

What?

Man, I'm a motherfucking bitch that pried a goddamn phone.

This is a white man that don't want to hear from no goddamn niggas calling me in the fucking middle of the night.

Listen, listen, boy.

Listen, boy.

I'll show you a boy in a 12-gauge shotgun, motherfucker.

Listen, cracker.

I'm going to have three letters.

Let me hear a cracker.

You can't hear a cracker.

Honky.

I'll show you some fucking three-letter, motherfucker.

I'll see you here.

Are you Michael Frazier?

Man, that ain't Michael Frazier, man.

This is a white man.

Look, let me just ask you real quick.

First of all, why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you, you stupid bitch.

What the fuck are you doing, man?

I'm in hot state.

I'll tell you, just pick it and...

I'm only one over here.

I cannot drop a chicken on you.

We will give you a couple hundred dollars, though.

Even though, guys.

Are you ready?

I wish I was the governor.

Just pretend I'm sitting on you, okay?

No problem?

Okay.

I don't got to go.

Ah!

Yeah.

Oh, I got to go.

Please do wash your hands.

Yeah.

Some kind of life you have where you have to do this stuff.

So this is a very interesting radio you have.

Very interesting radio thing if you have that, you know?

Because that shows me that you have, like, nothing going.

No, I got plenty.

This is what we do, man.

I do this all the time.

I get lots of votes.

This is what you do, like.

Talk stupid

People actually listen to this shit

Everybody listens to this shit man

Not everybody because anybody with a half a brain

That I know don't listen

Anybody with a half a brain would listen to this show

Instead of eating your shitty ass pizza

How old are you?

Thirteen

Yeah fucking right you sound like you're fucking eighteen or nineteen

I'm thirteen I said

Yeah right

Yes I was born thirteen years ago last Friday

I'm hanging up and you better not call

Do you have stripes in your underwear?

Do I have what?

Stripes in your underwear.

You are a sick fuck.

Come on, let me talk to your sister, man.

Be a pal.

No!

Have you ever seen your sister naked?

No!

Calls (22, 59 min of 3 h)

Transcript

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