2006-11-02 Show

Hi, I'm KDK, the terrible leveling master.

Hi, this is KDK, and you're listening to The Madhouse.

Thank you.

On 98.6.

ML.

KDK.

ML.

And cloned.

I want to play this prank.

I need to know how Skynet gets built.

Creepy-ass prank.

Who's responsible?

Ow.

The man most directly responsible is Carlito.

The director of the Systems Corporation.

Why him?

In a few months, he creates a revolutionary type of microprocessor.

In three years, Carlito will become the largest supplier of military computer systems.

All stealth bombers are upgraded with Carlito computers becoming fully unmanned.

Afterwards, they fly with a perfect operational record.

The Carlito funding bill is passed.

The system goes online on August 4, 1997.

Human decisions are removed from strategic defense.

Carlito begins to learn at a geometric rate.

It becomes self-aware at 2.14 a.m. Eastern Time, August 29th.

In a panic, they try to pull the plug.

It launches its missiles against the targets in Russia.

Carlito knows that the Russian counterattack will eliminate its enemies over here.

I want to know everything.

What he looks like, where he lives, everything.

I have detailed files.

Madhouse Radio is back.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to ask you for some fanfare.

The band, Fanfare.

because ladies and gentlemen sting has always gone ahead of itself they have done it again

and again and again i remember the year they brought in the fat boys that were hotter than

10 000 firesides and if you know and if you enjoy

Enjoy hip-hop!

If you want, you hit us like this!

Who the heck is teaching?

Crack a door!

Bounce!

First dance!

No!

Boring!

Go to some madhouse, baby!

And what happened?

Something just happened to the show.

Good news, something just happened to the show.

Film at 11.

I don't know, man, what just happened?

Fucking panicking, man.

What's up, everybody?

Madhouse Radio has begun at 11 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

Welcome to the new face of Madhouse Radio.

It starts late every week.

We'll talk about that later.

Coming to you, the blazing 98.6 degrees.

98.6 degrees in the mouth.

The mouth, the mouth, the mouth on 98.6.

That's a great job.

Clone, man, we could have totally used you for that.

You know?

Why didn't you?

Where were you last week?

Out the home.

I guess, man.

Something.

So, yeah, here we are.

The flaw is in the chat room talking some nonsense.

And I've got a pink lighter in my hand.

Uh, yeah.

Tag.

Anyway.

No, no, no, my friend.

It is not my lighter.

All the discuss is pink lighters here.

I don't know.

You got a lot of explaining to do.

But, yeah.

Pink Lighter Man is here.

What's up, Pink Lighter Man?

How you doing?

What's up, Carlito?

Thanks for the lighter.

I'm glad I could borrow it.

Yeah, thank you.

All right.

That's Athena's lighter.

But, yeah.

And who else do we have in the house?

Carlito's here.

Yeah, Carlito.

Yay.

And the warrior will be back.

The warrior's taking a shit?

All right.

The warrior's taking a shit, everybody.

All right.

Milkman got scooped away by a hurricane.

Milkman is dead.

He will not be joining us tonight.

Ah, it's sad.

Milkman in the hospital again, everybody.

Another victor of workers' comp.

And speaking of workers' comp, living the American dream, none other than Cloned Homegrown.

What's up, Cloned Homegrown?

How you doing, man?

I'm bowing.

Thank you, Carlito.

How you doing, Mr. A?

What's up, Carlito?

Interesting night tonight.

Smoke weed every day.

That's for Cloned.

Cloned, man, how you feeling?

How's your week been?

How about you?

Excuse me.

Bongage.

Mandatory bongage.

Please.

We can't hear his bongage anymore because he went fancy on us and got a headset like us over here.

Then play the recording.

Yeah, I don't know where the recording is now.

I'd have to find it.

That'd be something.

Me actually finding something I'm looking for.

Claude, man, how you doing, man?

What's up?

How's your Thursday been?

Thursday.

The curse of Milkman is here.

Hang on.

We got problems.

Try again, sir.

Good sir.

Kind sir.

Bye, man.

Well.

Okay.

Milkman just signed off.

Milkman's having trouble over there.

Man, I'm scared about Milkman.

I don't know where Milkman is.

We don't know what happened to Milkman.

But we're here.

We're going to do a show.

Madhouse Radio is live.

Live and coming at you.

MadhouseLive.com.

It's November the 2nd.

Time change this year.

It's now getting dark earlier.

What does that mean to you, Mr. X?

What do you think about that?

Bullshit.

You for it?

Should they stop it?

I'm happy because it's warm.

It's freaking snowing where I'm from.

Oh, yeah?

It's snowing up there now?

Yep.

Up there in wherever that is?

Jaime Town? That's crazy, man.

A lot of Jews where you live, man?

Not really.

Okay, good. Mexicans, though, right?

Lots of them.

Yeah, man. This guy's from Mexicantown.

Mexican part of the country.

Are you hating on your own people?

Yeah, we got a few Mexicans here, too.

Yeah, you got a few in Texas, I hear.

I hear, I hear, I hear.

So, yeah, man.

What's up with, uh, with, uh, with what?

Well, we got anything to talk about?

What's going on news-wise? I'm out of the loop.

What's going on at PCU lately?

I don't know. I haven't been...

i'd listen to a really crappy show on tuesday okay that was the only thing to you know neo got

kicked off and katie k went on so neo's kind of upset about that apparently that's what i hear

yeah i wasn't the only one yeah a few people are pissed off what was that halloween i didn't even

pay attention i didn't even give candy no one was at the house we were halloween it was supposed

to be a halloween special but it was more like a bomb oh man halloween bomb big orange halloween

Bomb. Excellent, man.

Like somebody dropped a pumpkin on the show.

Wow. Pumpkin ball.

Interesting, man. Hey, you know what, guys?

I'm thinking about going to... Where do you think you can

buy stink bombs at, guys?

You know what I mean? The kind of glass ones you can drop?

Like a prank shop or, you know...

A Halloween store. Halloween store? I don't know.

I gotta get some stink bombs. Yeah, a costume shop.

Yeah, I've been thinking

about going into stores and dropping stink bombs

just for the hell of it. It's a good idea. Just see what happens.

Just for the hell of it. Just for the hell of it

to see people run. At least you can get first place

place in line then yeah but i want to film it though you know and here's another idea i had

today you know what i wanted to buy an air horn you know those air horns that you you know what's

kind of air yeah i wanted to go ahead and uh buy one of those and just carry it on me and use it

like at the bank in line just for the hell of it to kind of just blow it you know see how people

would react you use it for road ragers when they pull up yeah it's a funny shit but yeah but i was

thinking about using it today on some lady who was taking she was ordering a bunch of food at

drive-thru and i was like fuck i'm gonna hurry up and i was like you know if i had an air horn i

could just kind of start blowing it at her what would she do what would she do you know and here's

another thing are you obligated to let somebody give you a dirty look hey man if if you're at a

let's say you're stopped at a red light right and you're in the left turning lane right you know

where you get the you get the left arrow to turn light so you're waiting there and the lady the

lady next to you who's going straight and she's at the red light she wants to go left she you

know her bad and she opens her window she's like hey and i said yeah what and then she uh can i

get in front of you am i obligated to let her in front of me no you're not no which can you say no

i mean yes you can so i told her no i said did you cut her off no i i put her off i told her no

i told her you know what i'd rather not i just said to her like yeah i'd rather not she got

pissed off at me she yelled at me she goes asshole like that she's like asshole like that i was like

right when i got the green light i told her no that's a big deal i don't i didn't want to you

were in front of her you should have went first i didn't want to piss people off behind me because

you know that's a dick move and and it's her fault it's her exactly it is her fault and you

know i'm gonna put myself in a position where i'm you know the people behind me like that

fucking asshole is gonna let her go i don't want to do that you know it's bad karma so i'm not

obligated to do that am i am i in the wrong you know has anybody no one's ever turned me down but

i never asked that ever i've never been you know in a point where i had to ask someone let me let

me probably go to confession though carlito you were a victim of road rage i am man i am

Fucking road rage, man.

Road rage is all over this country.

Yes, it is, but I've been, I've learned the hard way.

I pulled an eye on someone in a road rage incident once.

As soon as they legaled carrying handguns here, they had a case of road rage.

Someone got shot.

Somebody got shot.

Yeah, Florida and road rage is a big thing, too, man.

There's a lot of road rage out here.

Doesn't that happen, like, once a month in Texas?

Yeah, we do it by the state, too.

Yeah, well, you guys got to have a lot of the good old boys with the shotgun

and the cab of the truck kind of on display, right?

In Texas, you probably see that a lot there.

You know, they're armed to the team.

Texas loves his guns, man.

They love their cowboy hats, too.

Florida loves it.

There's a lot of guns in Florida.

People love their guns in Florida, Texas, Georgia.

The South loves his guns.

I hear New York loves his guns, too.

I don't know, man.

Yeah, so there it is, man.

You got to have a gun.

That's the something amendment.

We're bullshitting too much.

You got to have a gun, man.

So what's the numbers situation look like?

The number situation looks good.

Thank you, Mr. X.

With the cap and the suppers.

Very good.

Mr. X is moving things along.

Here we go.

Lonesome Loser masquerading tonight as the Outsider.

Okay.

Oh, you just gave away his identity.

Oh, man.

Shit.

Drat.

Now we've done it.

Now Lonesome Loser will die.

He has sent the numbers.

Did you just say drat?

Drat.

Did I say?

I said drat.

Not drat.

I said drat.

That was so gay.

That is not gay.

I don't have the pink lighter here, Mr. X.

Mr. X with the pink lighter.

I borrowed that shit from you.

You got that from Katie K.

he stole it from you

yeah he did he found it

Tuck says check your gmail Carlito

let me find out here

Tuck checking in from the good state of Tennessee

I don't know about you but flame is a flame

and it lights the weed so I like it

alright yeah

that's badass man he's got this lighter

it's got a bottle opener

you know and a fucking compass on it

but the compass fell off it

he was like a

I got a lighter

that you stick your finger in this hole

and the laser lights it.

Wow, that's awesome.

That's cool.

The Finger Me Laser Lighter?

Could you just wear it?

Could you make it so you could just wear it

on your fingertips and burn people?

No, you stick your finger in this hole

and the laser blocks it and the flame comes up.

I'm saying, I'd like to wear those.

I'd put them all on each of my fingers.

Is that possible?

Could I wear one on each of my fingers?

Is that how it's designed?

No.

No? That'd be cool.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Sounds cool, though.

That's just silly, Sally.

Yeah, don't be gay, yo.

This sucks.

We're the Milkman.

Because we can always blame our audio problem.

Don't be a homo, man.

The fuck are you talking about?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, man.

Yeah.

Paper Ballot.

That was Milkman last week.

God damn it, man.

Paper Ballot.

We just lost the satellite.

Yeah, yeah.

Link.

There's a coconut on there.

KDK.

Lego.

Anyway.

anyway that's our good friend milkman we need to do a prank call god man you're bringing us down

here cloned making us all slow is the warrior around eric man on monday high pitch eric on

monday i heard about that i heard that he uh that lego called in and said he was a cop or something

like that yeah he was gonna arrest him or something then he had kim call in uh-huh that's hilarious

guys i tell you what i'm i'm pissed off i missed that i tell you what good things we're doing here

Here on PCU, everybody.

Where is Sean Ward?

I missed much this week.

Where is Sean Ward?

I heard he moved.

He moved somewhere in Toronto?

He moved down the street?

I don't know where to.

Has he been moving for four months?

Whatever.

Tuck's his boyfriend.

Yeah, I guess so.

Tuck's his boyfriend.

They have talk time outside.

Outside of PCU.

Tuck just sent us a song here to play.

We'll try to play that later.

We got a song to play later from Tuck.

Tucker Mike.

Mike Tucker.

Mike Tuckerson.

Carl Mike Tuckerson.

That is his real name everybody

And I have his real address and his real phone number

And I'm giving it out tonight to

Anybody who will donate $10

The highest bidder right

The highest bidder gets Tuck's personal information

And social security number tonight everybody

So make your offers

We're having an auction tonight

For Tuck's personal information

Now and never

Yes and it's for us to

Bail Milkman out of jail

Out of prison in the Virgin Islands

He did a very bad thing everybody

body so um but it wasn't touching a kid no but it was sending pictures to a kid unfortunately yeah

so we are trying to get his pumpkins but it's it's not true we don't believe he would ever do

anything like that so you need to uh donate highest donator tonight gets uh personal information and

will bail milkman out with the money hopefully thank you mr x and thank you again okay so who

Who are we calling, bitches?

The Lost Souls Cafe, Purgatory Pubs, Outsider, Pinkies, Coyote Convenience.

Some geezer answered, sounding like he just jizzed in the imitation slurping machine at 11.02 p.m.

at Coyote Convenience.

That one sounds good.

That sounds great, man.

I like geezers.

Where is this?

I like the geezers.

South Dakota.

What do we know about South Dakota?

You don't hear much about South Dakota.

What's up there, huh?

Mountains, yaks.

Don't they have bike rallies?

It's fucking bullshit.

I don't know.

No.

Bike rallies in South Dakota?

I would not like to live in South Dakota, everybody.

Bad land, man.

Anyway.

Is there a North Dakota?

Yeah, there is a North Dakota, right?

Yeah.

I was just wondering, is there a North Dakota and a South Dakota?

I think they're right next to each other.

There's not an east or west, though.

Why is that?

What's the difference between North Dakota and South Dakota?

Why couldn't it be Dakota?

One's on top.

Dakota 1 and Dakota 2.

I don't know.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Nunu, send me some UK numbers.

Anyway, if you want to get a hold of us here, the toll-free line, I guess it's open.

If it's not, if you get a basic signal too fucking bad, I'll turn it on later.

Where's Pinky at?

You keep your pink lighters, sir.

I got another one here.

It's orange.

So I guess you're smoking weed again.

Nope.

Don't know what you're talking about here.

Yeah, he just gave it away, fool.

I'm smoking PCP and pubes tonight.

That's what I call...

In my ass there is what I feel about them.

That's what I call smoking the ants right there.

Nunu says he's pissed off when people start the show late because it's an hour late.

Look, man, I got news for you here.

Here's Madhouse breaking news, everybody.

Next week the show's going to start at 11 o'clock because I got to work until 10.

Stuff like that's going to be happening here for the next 9 to 24 months.

That'll be happening here in the Madhouse.

From time to time I'll have to start the show at 11, but you will know at least awake ahead of time.

So to let you know, Madhouse Radio next week at a special time, 11 p.m. on Thursday.

But it'll probably go on until like 3 a.m. because I don't have to work the next day.

Nice.

Clone, do you know anything about melatonin, sir?

Melatonin.

Yeah, it's actually a drug in your brain.

Okay.

Great.

Released by sunshine, I do believe.

I bought some melatonin tonight to take.

Clone, don't you mean a chemical?

Yeah.

A drug in your brain?

A drug in your brain.

The only drugs in your brain are the ones you smoked and put in there, man.

My friend.

Well, aren't chemicals drugs, jackass?

No.

Drugs are man-made chemicals.

Think about it.

Yeah.

Acid.

That's a drug.

Yeah.

Made out of rat poison.

And a chemical.

That's the chemical, the rat poison.

Yeah.

So, Nunu, I'm sorry, man.

And even Brandon Vegas says in the West Coast, it's 8.12 a.m.

8.12 p.m., not a.m.

What time is it in the U.K.?

8 a.m.?

No, it's like 3 a.m. right now, 2 a.m. or something like that.

4.12 in the morning

In the UK

Wow man

That's something

Great Britain

You know we should

Call him at 4.20

Dude yeah

Yeah man

Have a smoke out session

Hell yeah dude

Let's call some British

People at 4.20

Let's see who's awake

That's awesome

Nunu send me some

Numbers for college

Students in Britain

I don't know

Tell me

Hurry up

We got 8 minutes

Tell me a city in Britain

That has a college

And we want to call

The students there

4.20

See who's smoking

At 4.20

So Nunu

Let us know

A college town

In Great Britain or two

And then we'll have Lonesome

Or Mr. X

Maybe you can work on that

I don't know

How would you find

Someone's phone number

Up in Britain

I don't know

Not sure

I guess you couldn't do it

Old businesses then

Something

Whatever bitches

I don't know

Maybe Super Pages

Slash UK

Super Pages

Slash UK

I didn't know that existed

Man that's fucking awesome

Hey we gotta call

Coyote Convenience

Enough bullshit guys

Jesus Christ

You guys talk so much

Yeah so Milkman's

Not around tonight

But you know

We're gonna do a show anyway

Clone Homegrown

Is filling

Filling the seat?

I'm on the ball.

Yeah, you're doing very good, sir.

The warrior's over there somewhere playing with himself or something.

He's not talking to us right now.

He's upset at Clone.

They got into an argument earlier tonight.

We hope everything's okay.

We hope everything works out.

We hope you guys don't have vaginas now.

Yeah, exactly.

How about a music request?

No, I don't have vaginas because if I had a vagina, I'd have to worry about KDK fucking me.

Yes, that's right.

That's not true.

It's not a mangina.

Okay.

Okay, well, still.

Well, I'm a man.

Be afraid of anything that ends in gina, including Virginia.

Pick a song, Clone.

You got a song request here?

We don't have to play Milkman's request.

You get the first pick.

You got any Willie Nelson, man?

I don't think I have any Willie Nelson, man.

I got some Johnny Cash.

Well, you got any Johnny Cash?

Oh, I got a new Johnny Cash song I just heard the other day for the first time.

It's badass.

Hang on, let me get that.

I forgot about it.

All right, hit me up.

Hey, did you figure out your torrent thing, man?

Did you get that torrent you were trying to get?

Actually, I watched The Weeds today.

Oh, the first season?

Yeah, I tried to download Jackass 2, but...

I got it.

I'll give you the tour.

Man, I got it in less than an hour, man.

That was the first time I ever tried doing it, and I got it in less than a fucking hour.

I was so amazed.

I literally...

Athena got off of work, I started it, and I said,

Hey, I'm getting Jackass 2.

By the time she got home from work, it was already pretty much done downloading.

But of course, I purchased this.

Absolutely purchased it, and I have a copy of it already anyway.

way of Jackass 2, which is still in theaters. Go watch it now. We're going to play this

song, then Johnny Cash, and we're going to call it Coyote Convenience. Shit, I forgot

to give out. Clone, how do we get to the chat room? Let's see if you do better than Milkman

would.

Peace.lazy-net.de.

Oh, finally. Yes. Somebody finally got it right. Second time around. Congratulations.

That's right, everybody. Just like he said.

irc.lazy-net.de

That's right.

Pound PCU.

Pound PCU is the chat room.

Or just go to goddamnedpcuradio.com

Home of KDK and his kdkprankcalls.com

KDK as in kill, death, kill.

kdkprankcalls.com

KDK's website.

KDK, KDK, KDK.

PCU, Prank Call Underground Radio.

That's pcuradio.com

There are chat rooms in those two locations.

also visit madhouse live.com we have links to the chat room there under the listen and join

section of the page as well as a podcast which hasn't been updated in three weeks because i

am busy but i'll get to it everybody do not worry we're gonna miss the 420 call yeah yeah you're

right do we have any numbers yet let's see here no nothing nothing in the uk yeah anyway even if

for late casually late we can figure it out but we got to call this dude we got an armory are you

serious an old hippie answered alpha omega services armageddon armory holy shit i need to call that

first man before that place closes hell yeah fucking armory that's in idaho oh idaho still

early it's like seven o'clock right now right it's like eight o'clock you the pimp idaho yes

you the pimp idaho here's the song i was talking about and i'll be right back with the first call

Call of the Night, Madhouse Radio, in your mouth.

Hey, Coyote.

You didn't drink there, man?

You don't have anything that's for a doll?

A blender I can borrow?

I work for nothing.

My craft, my art is worthless.

He just wasn't happy.

No, he wasn't.

Hang on, folks.

We'll try to call him back.

How you doing, baby?

My good sir, why'd you hang up on me, baby?

You're not having it, Dan.

Talk about an egg you cannot crack.

What a bastard.

That guy is like a big, brick, huge turd.

Now, what to do about that?

Dig it in the China wall.

Yep, yep, yep.

Is the warrior back yet?

Warrior, let yourself be heard, man.

No, he said he was going to buy a headset.

He went out to buy a headset?

Oh, yeah, my buyer, better buy a headset.

I'll be back.

I got to go down to town, down to the mall.

That sounds like Milkman.

I got to go out to, what's the store with all the funky stuff?

Brookstone.

I got to go to Brookstone, man.

I'll be right back.

That'll be Milkman.

Hang on, I'll be back in five hours going to Brookstone.

I'm going to take the bike.

Yeah.

Anyway, the next prank call is coming up.

Yeah, I've never heard of Brookstone, so I don't get it.

Yeah.

Anyway, we were supposed to call the armory, the fucking armory.

So I'm Eddie Garcia calling to join the armory.

Call the armory, Eddie.

Yo, I used to be in the armory, yo.

Hey, this is Milkman.

Yeah, man, this is Milkman.

There were homes.

Hey, I'd like to announce to everybody that we're beating out the competition right now on both ends.

Just to let you know.

these two here

Mr. X

this is Blackout

right here

okay

and this right here

is NHB Radio

right there

that's the other

major competitor

right there

and we're beating

them both out

not hard to beat

them it doesn't

look like

no not hard at all

that tells you

who the king is

of Thursday night

Carlito himself

and his Madhouse

crew

here on

Madhouse

Radio

PC Radio

prank call

underground radio

that's correct

that's very

Guns N' Roses

what the fuck

was his name

Axl Rose

you sounded like

Axl Rose there

for a second

No, not Slash.

Slash never talked.

Slash was like a Muppet.

Never talked, never nothing.

Oh, yeah.

Anyway, here we go with the next prank call tonight, everybody.

We'll be right back with the Armory.

Bang him out.

For making services.

Yo, what's up?

Yo, is this the Armory?

Help you?

Yeah, is this the Armory?

Man.

Seriously, I'm trying to be serious with these people, man.

No one wants to be serious with me.

Hang on, we'll try them again.

Shitty service.

I've got that cat in a long time.

Zombie here in my pants.

Music, bitch.

Bitch, bitch.

Well, there we go.

So, yeah, here we are.

If you want to reach us on AOL Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio on AOL Instant Messenger.

If you want to reach us on Yahoo, that's Madhouse PCU Radio.

And if you're listening, rather, if you're on MSN Messenger, Madhouse PCU Radio at hotmail.com.

And the toll-free line, if you want to call in, let me check to see if that's even on.

It's 1-888-278-8509.

And that should be on right now, folks.

You should be able to call us if you want.

The request lines are now open.

1-888-278-8509, that is.

One moment here, please.

Bear with us just a second as I make sure the toll-free line is open.

Clone, tell us about Jesus while we wait here.

He was the giver of all.

Amen to that, brother.

We love Jesus here.

Him and his daddy.

Sweet Jesus, the toll-free line is open.

Sweet baby Jesus, the Jesus line is open.

1-888-278-8509.

Anyone who believes in Jesus can call that toll free.

As long as you're in the United States.

We will pay for your call.

As long as you profess when we answer that you indeed love Jesus.

Jesus will take care of our payments.

Jesus will pay the bills.

Jesus will run my bankruptcy.

We are okay.

Back in the day, man, you could run up your credit cards, you know,

max amount, $100,000 worth of shit, and claim bankruptcy.

scene you wouldn't have to pay it back not anymore ain't that some bullshit man yeah yeah you gotta

pay they don't let you do revolving credit that's fucking gay man the internal ruin you service is

gonna get you flat tax is bullshit too fucking who wants a flat tax not me man why should i pay

the same that some guy who makes millions and fucking dollars a year he should pay more he

makes more he should pay more man that's not fair on to the next prank call yeah sure right i'm

Sorry, Mr. X.

Putting me back on track.

Oh, we have British people.

We have Eva Moon.

Eva Moon in Britain.

We have DTT in the chat room.

In Cambridge.

Of course, Cambridge is that goddamn Cambridge, right?

Isn't that some big London school gay shit?

Old British woman answered at Elizabeth Moon.

Okay, here we go.

In Cambridge, London.

Not London, but Cambridge, Britain.

UK.

Let's call it.

We'll be right back.

Elizabeth, how are you?

She's not.

Very funny woman.

We'll call Eva Moon and say, how rude, man, this is bad, we're 0 for 3 tonight.

The phone's making noises.

We're gonna try Eva Moon.

Great, look, hon, we got a little bit of 420 going on, I was wondering if you wanted to join in.

I got a little bit of 420, if you know what I mean.

Do you want to smoke the reaper?

Do you call from the States?

Can't hear you.

I'm just hearing some ting-a-tings.

We're calling from the States, ma'am.

We're wondering if you could do us a favor.

We're kind of lost right now, we're in Cambridge and we're trying to find some 420 Chiba.

Eva, do you know where we can find that?

Hello?

Oi, mate, is Joe here?

Eva?

Eva, come on, I know you're there, babe.

Come on.

Pardon?

I said I know you're there, sweet tits.

Talk to me.

Come on.

Do you know who this is?

No.

This is Joe America.

Oh, no.

You know this is Joe America, don't you, baby?

Yeah.

How do you feel?

Does it make you moist down there that you're speaking to an American man?

Oi, I think she's past that point, mate.

Oh, you're turned on by my handsome American accent.

Would it bother you if I told you I weighed 342 pounds?

How many kilograms is that?

He eats a lot of lobsters.

That's a lot of pounds.

That's obviously more kilograms than it is pounds.

Crikey.

Because she ate...

Crikey, that's Australian punk.

That's funny, though.

Crikey!

Where else is it 420, man?

China?

Can we call China?

Let's call the Radisson in Beijing.

It was just 420 in Australia.

Is it really?

Yes, sir.

Are you serious?

Bollocks to you.

Wow.

Clone would know.

Clone should know that.

Clone's banging Australia.

Lucky man.

Clone has a vested interest in an Australian foundation.

That's right.

I imported.

Yes, you did.

Which website was that?

Tired of all these American bitches.

Which website was that?

Australian brides for you dot biz.

No, it was australianhoesinthedarkgutter.com.

Wow, man.

How much did you pay for her?

She was free.

All right.

What a bargain.

You heard it here, everybody.

Clone Homegrown has a mail order wife.

Only on Madhouse Radio.

Would you hear anything like that, everybody?

I'm going to take a bong hit.

That's how he answers everything.

I'm going to take a bong hit.

You suck, man.

I'm going to take a bong hit.

Next call.

I'm going to take another.

Colon, you know in Australia they mix their weed half and half with tobacco.

Tobacco?

Are you...

Well, Jamaica doesn't...

Yeah, and they call it, uh, mixed.

Mixed?

Do they really?

And they call it mixed.

Mixed.

No shit, really.

What do you call that there?

Oh, we call that mixing?

Whatever they talk, that's funny.

Oh, really?

Is that it?

That's how we mix, mate.

Yeah, mate.

I'm like, let's go drink some piss at the bar.

Yeah, but it's M-I-C-K-S.

That's how they spell it.

Mix.

You ever drink Mickey's?

Malt liquor?

It's the first thing I ever drank.

Me too, man.

What's up, brother?

Hell yeah.

I got drunk the first time drinking a Mickey's, man.

That was great.

And then we took it, and there were these bitches that lived.

I was spending the night at my friend's house, right?

I was like 15.

And down the street, there were these women.

There were these chicks and stuff.

And like, wow, you guys are drinking?

Can we drink too?

And they were like, yeah, yeah.

We'll go inside and get one.

and we went inside and we poured water

and Alka-Seltzer and laxative

inside a Mickey's

and we gave it to the one girl and she drank the whole thing

and it was like three times the dose

of laxative and then she was like all drunk

already before that she drank

it and then she was like oh my god guys

I gotta go I feel sick

and we were

wanting to see if she had her pants but she didn't

but she was like complaining

of it and like secretly we knew that we fucked

it up but then we had to drink some of it they told us to

a drink, so I'm like, ugh. But we faked

it, but it hit our lips, so.

Mickey's is awesome.

Yeah, man. Mickey's is awesome.

But don't do that, kids. Any kids out there,

don't, you know, put laxative

and trick women into drinking it so they'll shit their

pants in front of you. It's not a nice thing to do.

You'll learn that after you're

18 and stuff. Just drink the beer. Maybe put

some fruit in it or something. Yeah, that was an episode of

The Weeds today. Which one? Yeah.

Did you see anything

after the first season, man? Because I just saw the

The season finale of season three, I've seen every episode.

No, I haven't.

I'm not going to ruin it for you.

I thought it was from the beginning.

From the beginning?

Okay.

Hey, guys, I want to hear a prank.

Yeah.

Thank you, Mr. X.

Very good.

See?

Mr. X is a very good control when it comes to stuff like this.

We got Merle Smith in Britain also.

And then we also have Little Feller Convenience Store in South Dakota.

And, yeah.

Little Feller.

Little Feller Convenience Store.

I don't like the sound of Little Feller.

And we also got Desmond Boyle.

He's in Cambridge as well, an English bitch who answered at 11.39 p.m., which is four minutes ago.

So, hey, let's do that, everybody.

Whoop-de-frickin'-do.

Let's play a song, though.

How about some ACDC?

Who wants to hear what?

ACDC song, what do you want, man?

I have all right, but we'll play this.

Where's that song?

Holy shit, I forgot it already.

Shook me all night long.

Coming at you on 98.6 The Mouth.

Hey, Merle.

May I speak with Merle, or is this Merle?

It's the middle of the night.

I know, but it's in the morning, too. We're right in the halfway point. How are you, my babe?

If any of this spoke to the middle of the night, I'm an old-age pensioner, and it's making me ill, this is.

But this is urgent, ma'am. Please, just let me explain the situation.

What happened?

Uh, well, it's like this. A deetle-deetle-dop, deetle-doo, you know?

Oh, no, no, not at all, no, but this is Joe America.

Old-age pensioner.

What are you crying for, girl?

Because I'm waking them up.

Are you scared?

I'm going to call the police.

Don't call the police.

Come on, baby.

It's okay.

I'm just trying to, you know, have a little fun.

I don't mean nothing mean, baby girl.

Don't ever ring that, Jim.

Hey, don't get so mad at me, baby.

Come on.

Oh, man.

Poor lady.

I feel bad now.

Oh, my God.

He made her cry.

She was crying, man.

Oh, I'm going to hell.

I thought she was going to puke or shit herself or something.

No, she's going to chill out.

I got to call her tomorrow during the day, man.

Like, look, I'm sorry, man.

I got to call the police, you hear?

We got a lot of these brits, man.

Oh my god man

I feel horrible now

Jesus F Christ

Hang on let me try

To get a replay on that

I wanna hear

I might be too late there

Let me try real quick

Let's see if I can get

An instant replay of that here

On the Madhouse Radio

Instant replay

Machine

Play some music

In the meantime

Clone start the music please

Alright

Thank you

I don't know I feel bad

Shouldn't have talked

To that lady like that

You know

Yeah don't worry about it

It's a great call show

Don't worry about it

Don't be a fag

That's what I mean

Don't be a fag

Oh but this is

Jewel America

Yes, but I don't want you ringing at this time of the night.

I'm an old age pensioner.

What are you crying for, girl?

Because you don't ring people and wake them up.

Are you scared?

Yes, I'm absolutely petrified.

I'm going to call the police.

Don't call the police.

Come on, baby.

It's okay.

I'm just trying to have a little fun.

She's on the phone right now doing the same voice.

Don't ever ring again, Jim.

Hey, don't get so mad at me, baby.

Don't ever call me again.

Poor lady.

But yeah, I'm going to hell for that for sure.

Now you're dead.

alright so she's

calling the police

in the UK

big freaking

hopefully we're

being screaming

dickstons

yeah well guess

what I'm not in

the UK woman

I'm American

you gotta week

yourself Carlito

they're gonna come

over on their

boats

yeah watch out

okay I got

jackass

I'm afraid of

the British

who's afraid of

the British

the French maybe

no one's afraid

of the French

who are people

afraid of

the Chinese

are countries

afraid of Russia

anymore

Russia's bullshit

right

I think they're

probably afraid

of North Korea

right now

I think China's number one.

Russia, too? Man, because they've got a bunch of nukes

and they're all aging and stuff. They're just going to launch

themselves. They're so old.

Man, they're just going to launch other missiles

because they're just old. They're just going to launch.

Unless you watch, man, that's exactly how the world's going to end.

The Russians are so broke that their missile

is just going to launch because they get so old.

They're designed to launch.

We've got to use them before they expire.

That's their failsafe.

In case of expiration, it will launch itself.

to its predestined target over Manhattan.

Go ahead.

You know, Carlito, I saw the news today in Florida.

We can do another Chernobyl.

Go ahead.

And the Cape Canaveral Air Force Base

is asking their citizens to be police officers

and tell them if there's any terrorists in the area.

Are you serious?

How fucked up is that?

They could do their own thing, man.

Well, Cape Canaveral, there's an Air Force Base there, I guess.

Bunch of launch pads, too, for missiles.

Yeah, true.

Yeah, but our nuclear arsenal is all over the Midwest.

They've got it nice and secure out there.

I just thought it was funny

That they were putting the task on their citizens

Doing it themselves

Well the nuclear deterrent America has now

Is the submarines

Isn't that not true

That's our main force

Submarines and nuclear tipped

Tomahawk cruise missiles

Are pretty much like our nuclear arsenal

Yeah we have the ICBMs

They're designed to take out Russia

That's all it is

They wouldn't even use that now

They have a submarine parked off China

And they fucked around

The Chinese wouldn't even know the submarine is there

Hit them in three minutes

Fucking nuke them all out

That's it

Sayonara

Or whatever they say

Just a turn of two keys

And some passwords

And that's it

Sayonara

That's Japanese

How do you say goodbye in Chinese?

Wasi wasi

Hing chong wa

Fucking Chinese

Bastards

Kill them all

I don't say that

Ni hao

Ni hao ma

There was an awesome prank call I heard

It's a long story

I don't want to talk about it now

Let's do a prank call

We'll shut the fuck up

then why do you bring it up i don't know i heard this fucking great prank call everybody

but i'm not gonna talk about your face yeah we're right back with the next prank call

hey man how you doing milkman there's the warrior i'm kidding

milkman got a brain got brain surgery and he's normal now fuck it that's it we should just call

the warrior milkman too or milk lad milk lad no guy no guy or milky guy more acbc i feel so

privileged he doesn't want to talk to me it's my fault i didn't know where i was going with that

yes i was another person talk like them i don't know any americans hey and they hang up canadians

hey hey fucking canadians we gotta call canada one day hey whatever it's free on skype i just

just realized that super too bad skype's a piece of shit yeah well yeah well whatever we'll call

little my long distance plan yeah that's what you're what's going to happen in january where

they take away their free long distance they're not going to what are all you going to do huh

you're going to be without a show cloned they're not going to yes they are they're corporate

bitches just like everybody else you want to make their money wait till google buys them

You think Google will buy them?

Yeah, I guess Google set up for them.

Yeah.

Google, man.

Google's going to be the next Yahoo.

That's all it is.

Googlization.

Googlization of the internet.

Whatever.

Let's move on anyway.

Mandatory bonghead clone home run right now.

Yes, that's right.

All right, but you can't hear it.

I'll try.

Just take your headset off and put it down there.

Jesus.

Smoke weed every day.

God, man.

That's better.

I bet you heard that.

That's better.

You ever tell a girl to put the phone down there when you're having phone sex?

sex i don't really yeah you have you were talking to me about that i thought everybody did that i

don't have phone sex dude i live in the 21st century okay camming sessions you have cam

sessions and in that case you don't need to worry about that because it's all in front of you well

said well said right right on okay we're calling pimpers in bed we're calling little filler

convenience stove the convenience stove what should we play now fun b i'm a g you don't know

know about me.

Barn B.

Barn B coming at you

98.6 a mile.

I'm kidding.

Ask if they got any

Twinkies and then find

out.

98.6 a mile.

Hey, what's up, baby?

Not much.

Do you have gasoline

there?

Do you sell gasoline

there or just a kind of

store that just has the

food and stuff?

We got gas here.

You got gas there?

What's your premium

going for right now?

I think.

254?

I think that's what it

is.

Alright, and people

aren't complaining

about that?

No.

Pretty average.

But I know of.

You guys got a car

car wash? No. You ever think about maybe having a car wash? I don't own the store, so. You can make a, no, but me and you will start a car wash. Is there a car wash in town? No. See, I was being weird. I was being weird and creepy. My bad. We need to weird, man. We need to three-way him. That's what we need to do. Gotta do something with that. Anyway, we need numbers, everybody. We have a loss of numbers right now. Lonesome Loser is confirming as he can, but we thank him for that. Well, I guess everybody in the chair room is still, still

Still doesn't know who Mr. X is.

Really?

Are you serious?

Last week they thought it was Saigon.

They thought it was George Clooney, Tom Cruise, Zolar, Pimp Slut, Marty, the crazy fucker

from California.

I mean, nobody even knows.

I'll tell everybody who it is right now, okay?

Are you ready, everybody?

Breaking news right now.

We're going to give out the identity of Mr. X, everybody.

Mr. X is none other than DTT.

DTT, everybody in the house.

All right.

So there it is.

What's up, DTT?

Boobie man.

It's awesome to have DTT in the house, everybody.

Thank you.

DTT.

Yes.

Say hi to everybody, DTT.

DTT's in the chat room as well right now.

Hanging out with us in the madhouse.

It's not DTT, everybody.

Why don't you tell them who it really is, Carly?

It'll come up.

The floor is open, man.

Go ahead.

All right, everybody.

It's Madman.

Madman is in the house.

Madman.

Weak applause.

Welcome, Madman.

Madman.

Mads 1, Madman.

Mads 1.

Why 1?

Why Mads 1?

That was one of the servers back in the day.

Oh, okay.

That's it.

Cool.

An homage to your old server that went down in flames?

Yep.

Alternative nickname.

Yeah.

Awesome.

Lord Spoon.

Want Braxton's number again?

That Alabama nigger you called like two weeks ago and played that I'm an Alabama nigger

song?

Well, hell yeah.

We could call him again.

I remember that.

Did you hear that, sir?

Well, hell yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

If you heard that two weeks ago, it was pretty funny.

I have yet to hear that since I did the call.

But

yes, we are waiting on Lord Spoon to give us that number.

We will call that later.

Lonesome Loser has also sent a number for Pinkies.

We also have Whitling's Convenience Store.

So there it is.

Some little bitch answered there.

As he says.

I want him.

Yeah.

How about some Busta Rhymes?

Which one?

Turn it up, nah

Woo hot

Break your neck

Put your hands up where my eyes can see you

Break your neck

What?

Just listen

Just keep smoking

Take it out now

Okay

I'm begging to this, yo

Into your destination

Remain

13 minutes

Remaining

Something?

Yeah

Okay

Gas station?

Hello?

Yeah

This is the gas station?

Yeah

Okay, what's your premium going for right now?

I'm shopping around

I think it's $2.39

You think or you know?

I think, anyway.

Can you ask, is there anybody there you can ask him right now?

Or just go outside and check it out for us, please.

No.

Come on, can you check it out for me, though?

Are you there by yourself?

Yeah, I am.

Do you have frozen drinks there, like Slurpee or something like that, or a pina colada or something?

No.

You don't?

What about, what about...

I'm probably buying premium right now.

Can't you just look at your screen and say, I want you to buy gas?

Yeah, yeah, come on.

Just, is there anybody buying gas now?

Just ask him, man.

Come on.

We don't want to go down there for the expensive.

No, we're closed down now.

But I got a card.

I got a card I got a card I got a diner's club card an all-night credit card an all-night credit card

The credit card isn't closed

What is your name? Why are you being so rude to me? Hello? It's gonna report you to the Better Business Bureau

Hey, he just left I don't have his number. Damn it. We keep forgetting to call him

Hang on. Let me get his number. I get his number like 10 seconds

Fuck you bitch motherfucker, man

Or Gino

Oh man

Yeah

I want to call that place at least

And keep an open line of communication

We haven't called there like

In three friggin ass weeks

Yeah and I was probably too late

Yeah

He will

They told me last time

Well earlier they told me

That he leaves work at midnight

So I need the number like now

And I don't have access

To the file right now

To find it

Son of a bitch motherfucker

Fuck you bitch motherfucker

So we'll do something else

Hey dude

I got an idea for a prank

Fuck you bitch motherfucker

What is it?

I got this guy, Wyatt.

Wyatt.

He thinks I'm his brother.

Okay.

And he thinks I was a pedophile.

I haven't seen him in so long.

Uh-huh.

And maybe you could work with that.

Dude, do you want to call him?

Call here and we'll put you on the line, man.

Try to call him here.

I'll make it happen if you call him.

Maybe you could, like, fuck with him about maybe you're a cop looking for him.

Okay.

And what's the name supposed to be?

I don't know the dude's name, the brother's name.

But his brother is a child molester?

Okay.

Yeah, this dude Wyatt.

Okay, his name's Wyatt.

You know his last name?

Can you send me his last name?

Yeah, he thinks his brother's a child molester.

Okay, well, fuck it.

Well, I'll call it.

Send it to me.

Hell yeah.

All right, hang on.

Send it to an IRC.

I'll call this one face.

What's his face?

The Mad Hatter, who's a zombie hunter, right?

All right.

We're going to call the zombie hunter first.

We'll call the zombie hunter first, and then we'll do the rat.

And then we'll do that one next.

Awesome.

All right.

We'll be right back with the next prank call.

The Mad Hatter, a zombie hunter, or a misguided Resident Evil fan.

JimRage.com, the elite zombie hunter.

This guy's crazy.

Love it.

46 minutes remaining.

Hey, is this the zombie hunter guy?

This is the zombie hunter guy.

What kind of shells do you use, man?

Shells?

Yeah.

Usually in our guns.

Uh-huh.

Well, or I guess that makes sense.

You know, well, sometimes we use cannons.

But I'm not much of a gun guy myself.

I like to get right in their clothes.

Okay.

Fudgehammer.

And generally, when I am using a gun, I like to use a sawed-off shotgun.

Okay.

With a shot.

Because I've got one locked in the basement right here.

I'm in Kansas.

Oh, yeah?

And we've got, I'm pretty sure it's either one, it's probably a zombie.

It looks like a guy.

Yeah, I'd kill it.

But we've got some meat hooks that we're going to use.

Yeah, like, we don't know what to use, man.

Meat hooks? Meat hooks are fine.

All right.

All right, meat hooks are...

You gotta watch the splashback, though.

All right.

Now, what about the blood? Will that... Is that, like, AIDS?

Yeah, that's the splashback.

You know, you're probably gonna want...

I mean, maybe put a bandana over your face or something,

or just hold a cloth over your face.

Right.

A cloth?

It kind of, like, sounds like a dead rat or something.

It's, like, really gross.

And you want to hold that away from your face.

It's all, you know, they're all messed up.

Really?

Can I do something with it?

Like, is it curable or something?

Generally, no.

They're dead, all right.

Wow.

We think we should experiment on it.

Maybe just put the meat hooks through all its arms and its legs and just string it up.

That's something, man.

We've got to call the cops about this, man.

I mean, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.

You can take care of it yourself.

One zombie, you can't take care of one zombie.

Can we donate the organs?

No, the organs are no good.

I mean, you can try.

But I'm telling you, I've got this blood shit all over my hands.

What's that going to do to me?

Oh, well, you're going to want to wash that off, use some soap.

Yeah.

Try, you know.

I've got some, whatchamacallit, all I really have here is some of that Purex stuff.

That hand sanitizer shit.

Oh, yeah, that'll probably do it.

Maybe if you really want to make sure, use like gasoline or something.

Just like, that'll kill anything.

I've got scope.

Or paint thinner.

Yeah, that'll kill anything.

Scope?

Yeah, Scope will.

Yeah.

You know, you just want to keep clean.

Yeah.

This is a dirty business.

So what does it cost you to come out here and do it, man?

Oh, Kansas?

Yeah.

That's a long trip.

We're up in New England.

Okay.

What's your record like?

Give me a real, you know, I got three other people I can call.

Give me a real rundown of your resume.

Well, you know, I've been with Generations League Zombie Onion Squad since 1986 after

after the Wonder Bread incident.

The Wonder Bread incident?

Yeah, well, you know, there was this...

You should read my bio.

The word on the streets was your Jim Rage.

I'm not Jim Rage.

Jim Rage, really?

Jim Rage is an old guy.

Huh, really now.

I'm still a spring chick.

Because I heard Jim Rage had that anti-aging potion he took.

Some what?

Anti-aging potion.

Anti-aging potion?

Created out of something.

That doesn't exist.

Compound 12.

You don't know about Compound 12?

I don't know. He eats a lot of bran.

Do you want some Compound 12, though?

I got some right here, man.

If you want to send it on over to Boston, then sure.

Yeah, but I got it from this Jamaican dude.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, man.

He's like this fucking voodoo shrink head guy.

Oh, yeah?

He came over.

He took some water, spit in it, put some dirt in it.

He started going,

Yama, yama, yama, yama, yama, yama, yama, yama.

I was playing guitar with this Jamaican guy the other night.

Yeah?

With this Jamaican dude?

Yeah, and he just wouldn't stop talking about his drawings.

They got these fucking big lips too, man.

Yeah, he was a crazy guy.

He was like, hello there, my name is the zombie hunter motherfucker.

Hello there, how you been?

He seemed so damn happy about everything.

It was like, cool, I'm cool with this.

They need a good kick in the ass is what they need as Jamaicans.

So tell us a good D&D sex story, come on.

Alright, D&D sex.

Dungeons and Dragons?

That's what we're talking about.

Oh, so I guess you haven't heard the age D&D sex stories then, huh?

Oh, no.

No.

You know, if you throw that A in there, then you're going to go all kinds of...

You're going to go all out when you throw that A in there.

Yeah, you throw a little A and you'll be a man.

Goddamn.

That's rough.

Yeah, soon enough it's a full-time job.

How many zombies do you kill a week?

Generally, I take care of about seven. It fluctuates a lot. Sometimes there's zombie

hordes and it's hard to keep track.

Zombie hordes?

Oh yeah. Zombies get out of hand sometimes. It happens.

They propagate.

Huh?

Do they propagate a lot?

Propagate.

Propagate, propagate.

Would that be like procreate?

Yeah, they propagate too. It's a different way of appropriating.

Oh, I've never actually heard that word.

Propagate, man.

That would be my vocab word for the day.

It's a Nazi word.

Oh, is it?

Germans use it to say they wanted to propagate and they needed breathing room.

Huh.

Yeah.

It's like reverse eugenics.

Right.

Well, no, generally they don't do that.

Those organs generally aren't working.

Do you believe in the Mulan generator?

Cannibals, however, they're a whole other story.

Wow.

You know, you get people who, you know, pretty much think they're zombies.

So how about those Red Sox, huh?

How about them?

They suck this year.

Fucking suck, man.

They fucking suck.

Yeah.

We lost Johnny Damon, and that was it.

Yeah.

He went to the New Yorkers.

Yeah, I know, that's gay.

Yeah, it was like, you were our man.

Yeah, you know, yeah.

Oh, well.

But, uh...

Did it once.

Other than that, what else can you suggest about this zombie?

Um, that was a loud noise.

Um, there it goes again.

Okay.

I don't hear anything.

Okay.

Well, if you got some meat hooks, you know, that would be an easy kill.

Okay.

Um, and, I mean, you know, how often do you have a zombie in your house?

That wasn't a blue moon thing.

Oh, yeah, well, you know, you might want to take some pictures.

You know, this might be photo op opportunity.

Indeed.

All right, well, hey, look, man, you're bringing me down, and I'm going to hang up on you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I command you to get off my phone, please.

All right, I'm just, this is just my job.

Just hang up, boys.

You know, it's not exciting.

Okay, hang up the fucking phone, all right?

Good night.

Do what I say.

What's your name?

Don't worry about my name.

My name is hang up the phone.

Yeah?

Yeah, do it now.

Well, how about you hang up your phone?

I'm not going to hang up.

You hang up the phone first.

I'm in charge.

I'm not going to hang up my phone.

I'm in control of the situation, sir.

I've played this game.

I have the floor.

You're going to hang up first.

You know what?

I'll stay here all night.

I don't care.

Listen, right now we're recording the zombie slang, so we need the phone open.

That's right.

All right.

Hang up the phone.

You can play this game.

Don't be a bitch and hang up the phone.

Believe me, I've got this guy, Johnny Roach.

You better put somebody else on the phone right now, man.

You're outnumbered.

Let me talk to your manager.

Everybody's asleep right now.

Who else is over there?

Go and slap him and wake him up.

Yeah, go on.

Eli Osiak, he lives in my apartment.

What?

Slap that guy and be like, wake the fuck up.

Somebody's on the phone for you.

Ole, ole, ole.

He works in the morning.

You gotta wake up early.

Who gives a shit?

We just called people in England.

It's like 4 o'clock.

Yeah, come on, man.

Come on.

Do that shit.

Well, that would be very nice of you.

Not very considerate.

It is very considerate.

Let me tell you.

You're killing innocent people.

You're killing zombies.

Yeah.

I'll consider that.

It's my job.

Why don't you work on a cure, asshole?

whole. Zombies don't have feelings, too, so

that's not very nice. As soon as we figure out how to

cure death and, you know, live in...

I told you I have Compound 17.

You told me that? I told you I have

Compound 17. Takes 30 years

off of your life, man. Ask him about Johnny Roach.

You know, I'm not looking to take

30 years off my life. Why not?

How old are you now? 42? There you go, down

12. I'm at 36

right now. So you'll be 6 years old?

Yeah. So we can go back to before you got molested,

then. Well, you see, what I want...

I want to die today. That's where everything went downhill.

I'm looking to die.

Everything went downhill for the zombie hunter in 1920...

No.

How many years old is he?

36 years old.

And what year is it?

2006.

So, it was a...

Get Matt there.

It was a horrible day.

I was like, Jesus fucking Christ.

Dear God in heaven, what was that?

What are you doing over there with that?

What is that noise?

I'm done with that guy.

Jesus Christ.

You know, there's three other numbers.

You should ask him about Johnny Roach.

Who the hell is...

You can talk to him if you want, Clone.

There's three other numbers on his website,

and we've only been able to get a hold of him.

Really?

Yeah.

So, these are actual zombie hunters?

These are, I guess.

They've told us in the past

that they have sexual D&D and shit.

Sexual D&D?

People have sex in Dungeons & Dragons?

Clone, it was me and you who found these guys, right?

Holy shit.

Yeah.

Do they have points for, like,

one of our boring days?

Do they cast dice, like,

for who's going to do what or something?

I mean, how does that work?

It's kind of scary, dude.

Sex.

Do we have any more numbers, man?

Keep calling him and asking.

What do we got going on?

He thought I was a cripple going across America

With my wheelchair

You should call him back

And let the clone talk

Yeah clone

Fucking asshole

Get on

Get on the horn man

Get on the horn

We need some pickles

Up in here

Call uh

Call that Wyatt dude

Wyatt

Yeah you said that to me

Didn't you

Wyatt thinks I'm his brother

And I told him

I was a pedo

Or a pedo

As the dead would say

Pedophile

You fucking pedo

So yeah

We'll play a song

While we set that up here

Led Zeppelin

Right there

No just a second

Thanks, baby.

What's up, buddy? How you doing?

Just got a phone call, man.

From who?

Fucking brother, man.

Fucking with me again, man.

Who?

Brother's fucking with me again, man.

Just met him down at the gas station install, you know.

Told me it wasn't going to happen again, but, man.

I'm on my wits end. I don't know what I'm going to do anymore, man.

How'd you get a hold of your brother, man?

Hey.

Who is this?

Brother just touched me again, man.

Fucked up, man.

Defy yourself, please.

My name?

You don't need to know my name.

I'm staying anonymous, man.

Do you know what it's like to be molested as a child, too?

I'm 48 years old.

I just got molested for the first time.

Fucked up, man.

He was your brother, man.

He didn't want to do it.

He didn't, man.

Go talk to him.

You can't.

You have to identify yourself.

I told you already.

My name is Bostein.

You didn't tell me your name.

I said it to your old lady over there, whoever picked up the phone first.

It's a negative.

I talked to Big Bo.

She's not paying attention, man.

Talk to your wife about paying attention when the men are talking, you know?

Let me talk to her.

No.

How old is she?

That's not going to happen.

Is that your wife?

Yeah.

How old is your wife, man?

I'm afraid I'm about to end this conversation.

Big Bo.

Do you have sex with your wife, man?

Good night.

Big Bo was talking to you.

You don't have sex with your wife, man?

Sweet baby Jesus.

Send her on down to Real Meal.

And I started at the end.

That was kind of creepy.

A different voice.

I've never done that voice before.

It's kind of like the Grateful Dead fan.

Man.

Fucking gooks, man.

I'm feeling a bit sleepy, man.

You all right there?

Are you sleepy or are you really, really, really stoned?

Something.

No, I'm just fucking around.

I feel fine.

Wow, man.

Well, good morning, everybody.

It's 1220 a.m.

Good morning.

We just turned the lights on in here.

Yeah.

God, fucking bright.

Fucking balls, man.

We've got more numbers from Lonesome Loser.

The man himself.

He sent in Edward Slick.

Florida.

He sent in a number for the Dunkin' Donuts.

Home of the fuck you bitch motherfucker guy

Nice

And he just, right now, sent a number for Jenny Poon

Ha ha ha, in Cambridge

The UK

The United Kingdom

Haven't we asked her if she's had any Poon before?

Yeah

Where's my wires going?

It's here

Do you have Poon?

And we'll ask her how the Poon smells

You got Poon, Nani?

Five dollar long time

Boom, sake, sake

Reminds me of a song

Anyway

We'll be right back with the next

Love you long time

We'll be right back with the next prank call of the night

This is going to be to the Dunkin' Donuts

let's see maybe he's working late i don't know if not fuck it i don't know i think he switched

schedules with somebody me so horny me love you long time right on warrior like that song afro

man afro man afro man running because i got running in the jungle from the kukla's clan

facts son of a bitch uh he's gonna go take a shit and uh what do we do clone what do we do

Yeah.

If Milkman was on, he could confirm on MSN Messenger.

That's correct.

He has my MSN.

What the fuck?

I didn't say that.

Where is Milkman?

Son of a bitch.

Just call Milkman.

How about that?

We didn't think about that.

I should call the Milkman.

Oh, there it is.

St. Croix.

Virgin Islands.

That's where he lives.

No, he lives in Christenstead.

But, yeah, let's play a Milkman song.

I don't know what a Milkman song would be.

Something that he would like.

Something old.

I guess.

Who likes this one?

Let's try to get a hold of Milkman.

I mean, I got Jackass, too.

Right on.

Don't tell nobody.

That's your man.

Nah, man.

That mailbox is full.

Milkman's mailbox is full?

Yeah, and Miss Sweet Kisses, probably.

Leave me those dirty messages for Milkman, everybody.

Know it.

They're in e-love.

They're in heat, both of them.

They're in middle age.

That's how me and my wife met, though.

In heat?

Awesome.

No, e-love.

Ah, e-love?

No, online.

Wow, man.

Look at that.

New announcing, Milkman's birthday was Tuesday.

Had a relationship for three and a half, four years.

Oh, my God, you're right.

You know what?

Milkman's birthday was on Halloween.

We didn't even do anything.

Happy birthday, Milkman.

Yeah.

Clone, did you have e-sex before you met your wife?

Yeah.

Did she get naked for you on cam?

Oh.

Did she?

Oh.

We all know she did.

Oh.

All right, man.

Here you go.

So she got naked for you on the cam before you married her?

That's how you do it.

Oh, yeah?

I got to see it before I buy it.

That's right.

Well said.

Very well said.

Awesome.

There's a tip from Clone Homegrown tonight.

Try it before you buy it.

Yep.

Anyway, we've got to do another prank call here.

Warrior, you're sending me a number for Paul Andrews,

an ex-youth leader who has a porno addiction and he quit his job.

Ha, ha.

We'll have to call him now.

Hang on, everybody.

Here comes that prank call.

An ex-youth leader with a porno addiction who quit his job.

Available?

Nah.

Callback number, press 5.

Look at this, look at this, look at this, look at this, look at this.

Look at this.

Okay.

I told him, look at this.

You know what that means.

It means, look at this.

Look at this.

All right.

Edward Slick in Lakeland, Florida.

Home of the Miami Heat.

Florida.

Yeah.

Let's do something.

Obie Trice.

I don't know what the fuck I'm going to play here.

I want some Quasimodo.

Well, hell, I'm Mike Jones.

What?

You're going to what?

He's Mike Jones.

Oh, Mike Jones.

I'm Mike Jones.

Who?

Mike Jones.

Who?

I'm like Zolar now.

Now, when he does a show, sometimes he'll be like, all right, all right, because he's all lost.

Because he's doing shit.

Yeah, he's sitting there rolling the joint and playing music and watching TV and downloading porn

and doing a show at the same time.

He'll be like, all right, all right.

Why the fuck aren't you motherfuckers calling in?

I command you, Jonathan, not calling in.

Toll-free line's open, I think.

Is the toll-free line open?

Holy shit, let me test it.

Holy dog shit.

People aren't calling.

They want to hear the prank.

Yeah, 1-888-278-8509.

I could be like the competition and say, I will not do a prank call until someone sends

me a donation.

I'm not like that, though.

I don't do that to you guys.

Actually, yeah, the toll-free line's down, man.

Why didn't someone tell me the toll-free line's down?

Damn it, man.

Dude, Carlito, the toll-free line's down, man.

Okay.

And we announced earlier it was out.

Uh-huh.

What a shame.

Seriously.

I'm on that.

I don't know what's going on here with the toll-free line.

Hang on, everybody.

Let me fix the toll-free.

Is this a spend?

I want to spend.

Okay, so the phone's working now

Thank you, Mr. Ace, for fixing the phone

It's 1-888-278-8509

The toll-free line is now open

And we are open to your calls

And there's one already

Holy shit

That didn't take long

Wow, it's Jonathan

Probably

No, it's not Jonathan

It's someone else

Manhouse Radio, you're on the air

Go ahead, please

Hey, Carlito

What's up, Jonathan?

Not much

Hi

I got a message from Mojito

He told you

Also, tell me that he wanted me to call into your show.

Oh, shit, because no one had called in yet, and you're always the first caller,

and that's probably what's going on, man.

You always open up the lines for us, brother.

What's going on?

Nothing, man.

Milkman's missing.

His voicemail is full.

His mailbox is full, and his voicemail, we're afraid of the worst.

There was just a mini-coup in the Virgin Islands.

They had some rioting, and we were afraid that maybe something happened.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Have you heard from Milkman lately?

No, not recently.

I know.

No, I'm worried about it, man.

We've got to pray for Milkman.

Hey, did you ever call Cheese Boy lately?

No, not lately.

You know, he came online.

He came to the chat room and said he knew who I was,

and he said, thank you, but don't call me again.

Did you know that?

You knew that, right, that he came in the chat room?

Yeah.

I'll try to call him, though.

No.

Send me his number real quick.

Are you in the chat room?

No.

No, but I can send you to the messenger.

Okay.

Did you never figure out the chat room?

I haven't figured out that new program yet, but I got into the chat room by the other way.

Okay.

Okay, good.

Good deal, man.

Well, don't be a stranger.

Send me that number now.

Get in there, Jonathan.

Send it now, now, now, man, now.

I'll call him next.

I got it right in front of me.

Darth Vader is right in front of me, and I will call it after that.

Okay.

All right, brother man, you want to say hi to your friends?

Now's the chance to give a shout-out to your fans.

I would just like to say hello to all my friends and listeners of PCU,

and I hope you have a good weekend.

All right.

God bless you, brother.

You too, man.

All right.

Peace out, my friend.

Bye-bye.

And that's Jonathan, everybody.

Jonathan, check it in, as always.

Always up beat and high on life, Jonathan.

Speaking of high on life, we have High Life in San Antonio, Texas,

where a redneck guy answered at 1230 a.m.

My God.

Let's see.

Indeed.

Let's see here.

KDK says that KDK just wants to let everyone know he'll be updating the site.

That is KDKprankcalls.com, KDKprankcalls.com, PCRadio.com.

It's being updated tomorrow with new shows, new pranks, and new sound boards.

And he also reports that he's busy playing Diablo 2,

which is the oldest game on the fucking planet for him to be playing.

I think that game came out, what, 2001 or something?

Jesus fucking Christ.

I don't know.

Yeah.

And there it is.

So what else?

Another call in.

We'll call High Life.

We will call High Life right now.

This is in Texas.

Ooh, we also have the Erotic City Topless Club.

Awesome.

And the sex toy Emporium.

Emporium.

Even though.

We'll be right back after we call Cheese Boy first for Mr. Jonathan.

86 years old.

Mr. Jonathan, this is the Allegiant 9 and Nama.

We're glad to return your call.

Thanks.

Hey, man.

What's up, cheese boy?

I was just wondering if you'd be listening or not, you know?

Maybe talk to me, man.

The man about some stuff.

Give me a call back, brother.

Got some Munsters, some Havartes, some Swiss, some Americans.

We got all the cheeses here.

Come on, talk to us.

We're going to call back.

Please.

Praise Jesus.

I like that voice, man.

That was a good voice, dude.

You should use that.

Man, I love cheese, though.

Cheeses are the best thing in the world.

Cheese and Krispy Kreme donuts, motherfuckers.

Yeah.

I could live on that shit.

God damn, I love cheese, too.

Cheez-Its, man.

Cheez-Its are the best, man.

You guys like Cheez-Its, man?

Like Cheez-Its and you put that squeezed cheese on the Cheez-It.

You know Cheez-It makes their own squeezed cheese now for you to put on top of the Cheez-It?

Really?

Yeah.

You can make little Cheez-It sandwiches.

This is the kind of talk that happens when we all get high and we talk on Madhouse.

That's right.

And we think about munchies.

Yeah.

Let's do some pranks.

There's never a show on the Madhouse where I don't end up talking about food.

Imagine that, everybody.

It was worse with Andy because me and Andy just started talking about food.

Anyway, what's going on in the chat room?

The Warriors going crazy in the chat room?

I don't get it.

Anyway, did you just kill somebody?

They're all dying, dude.

Oh, my God.

Everyone's dying.

Holy shitballs.

Anyway, we move on with the show, everybody.

I just got kicked.

Sorry, dude.

Oops.

I just killed Lonesome Loser, too.

It's my bad.

What'd you kill Lonesome Loser for?

Because I'm high, man.

Dude, don't kill Lonesome Loser.

Are you out of your mind?

Oh, my God.

Poor Lonesome Loser.

Why are we going to get numbers here?

It's that goddamn tab key.

You hit the letter and you hit tab and it just announced.

Well, Lonesome Loser, we're sorry, dude.

That was a mistake.

Hey, come back in the chair room.

Yeah, come back, Lonesome.

My bad.

Matt's bad.

Come back, man.

Madman made a mistake.

I was trying to kill the warrior, man.

He was spamming the chair room.

Yeah, warrior.

Starting problems.

No spam.

No spam, warrior.

Behave yourself, sir.

He's glass.

Enter your destination number now.

You guys be nice to the warrior.

I like that.

You have four hours, fifty-five minutes remaining.

Say what now?

The love.

The Love Boat making another run.

Katie Kiss says Earth Dog Neo needs a real intro.

Hello.

This is High Life.

Hello.

How you doing, sir?

This is High Life?

Yes, this is High Life.

It's a convenience store.

Yeah, no.

I was seriously thinking about submitting some stuff for your magazine.

Um, I'm not in.

Well, I've been making some cartoons of Goofus and Gallant, you know?

Yeah.

So I thought I'd put it in High Life.

Uh, I've got to talk to the owner of it.

What's his name?

His name is John.

Are you British or something, dude?

Who, me?

Yeah.

Nah, I ain't no British white.

Nah, I ain't no British. I'm a Chicano white.

Yeah, what are you, a fucking white boy?

Italian?

Well, that's so white.

Your people are dirty and stink?

Oh, we stink and we're dirty, huh?

Well, let's say it this way.

When you take a bath, you still smell like a motherfucking dog.

heard you got ringing around the collar and you were wearing a fucking v-neck sweater that makes

no sense but you know what i'm getting at right all right he hung up fuck you bitch mother fucking

italian yeah fucking italians yeah man fuck it we're in a prank call tell them you're italian

wanted to do the right voice on that one they got good food italians do have good food but

american italians do i don't know whatever i'm talking about garlic bread man pizza you know

know what i mean man spaghetti dude i hate spaghetti i don't like red sauce honestly i

don't like i don't like uh red sauce i like alfredo fucking manicotti manicotti yeah whatever

i'd go for a calzone though right now oh calzone have clone do a call clone do a call katie k said

he wants you to do it as carlito non subtly reads it off yeah katie katie k said he wants you to do

a call as a gesture i'm not doing it oh man come on come on come on no we want to hear come on you

pussy yeah you tell him warrior he talked shit about me the other night and he had a shitty night

cloned has cloned katie k was upset wasn't he drunk the other night on halloween did he make

fun to piss off everybody or enough drama didn't we kill this with the 98.6 degrees of the mouth

yeah don't make me open up the mouth everybody don't make me open up the mouth because i will

Bill, open up the mouth.

I lost the number.

98.6.

No.

Just so you know.

Don't make me start that shit again.

I'm sure that shit got really boring last week after a while.

But I loved it, man.

The mouth was great.

Did I tell you I laughed myself to sleep?

I laughed myself to sleep last week.

After the show.

It was that funny.

Really?

I have to vouch for him.

Yeah.

He heard me laughing.

Couldn't stop laughing and dancing.

Let's see here.

Katie K says, here's a good horror trivia question.

Question, what made for a TV film provided the inspiration for the fetish monsters in Diablo 2?

Was it I Don't Care?

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, I don't know what it is.

That was it.

No, I'm kidding.

What do you get?

I'm kidding.

A chocolate milkshake?

You get a frozen Totino pizza.

Hello.

I'm going to have cat hair all over it.

I'm sorry.

Move on.

I'm not.

Shabang, shabang, shabang, shabang, shabang.

Seriously, I love KDK.

I'm just being a dick tonight because I can.

Next prank call of the night is coming up right now.

Stand by.

Every day.

Right.

Who's drunk on chocolate and vodka?

Who drinks that?

Hello, this is Salaman.

How can I help you?

Hey, do you have chocolate and vodka?

Who?

Do you have chocolate and vodka?

No, no, we don't.

Do you do waffles, though?

No, we used to, but we don't anymore.

What do you do now?

Chicken?

The processed chicken, we used to do it, but we are not doing it anymore.

Processed chicken.

We just went around Mexican food.

What do you make, then?

Tell me what's on your menu.

Jesus.

It wasn't on our menu.

They put it by mistake, then, but we canceled it a couple months ago.

What, what do you sell for food?

Only Mexican food.

Well, that's all I, why can't you answer me the first time I ask you?

Okay, I'm sorry, uh, that's only Mexican food we have.

You hurt my feelings. Is there a manager there I can talk to?

Come on, I'm the owner, man.

No, you're not. You're not, you're not American, you're not the owner, sir.

Oops.

I guess he, he didn't wanna, I guess he just hung up. Let me try to call him back, I like that, that was a funny idea.

Flav been in jail for crack ladling

Flav has a new album

Sucks too

Has 4 and remaining

Flav does have a new album out that sucks

Bastards

He just picked it up and hung up the phone

Bitch

Hey

Yeah

Mira que paso

Yeah hey why did you hang up on me man

Yeah because we are close man

Yeah but you hung up on me and you were rude to me man

Okay I'm sorry we are close

Let me speak to the owner

Good night good night

Let me speak to the owner

I'm the owner what do you want

The only owner is he's not a Mexican like you let me speak to the real owner

Put your brother's cousin's sister's mother on the phone, motherfucker.

Yeah, let's speak to the real owner.

Oh, fuck you, motherfucker.

Yeah, fuck you, man.

Come on, let me speak to the real owner.

Don't make me bring my fucking camera over there and shit on your fucking doorstep, motherfucker.

The hell?

All right, that's it.

What bitches, puto?

Yeah.

That's it, show's over.

He's mad.

Got him mad, everybody.

He got an uppity Mexican over there.

He didn't want to admit he had a brother's cousin's sister's mother.

Yeah, yeah.

The center.

A home for people who had, like, drug addictions and or were poor.

That's from Madman.

Watch out, everybody.

I think I called that before.

Yes, you have.

Yeah.

Killer P has sent in a number for the Ding Dong Lounge in New York.

Some kind of club.

Clone Home Growns, and this is Wyatt's number.

We will close that out now.

The Warrior has sent in the number for Paul Andrews, which we already called, didn't we?

Right.

But we also have the Lion's Den and Laura's Lip Service.

Phone Fantasies.

Well, hey.

You guys want to call my lawyer?

You got a lawyer?

I'm just kidding.

Yeah, right.

You got a lawyer. Crazy man.

And Captain Stubbing,

who I think is Lonesome Loser,

changing his name on us here, confusing things all up.

Yeah, he did. That would be

Legends at Spirit Mountain

in Oregon. My favorite state

to say. Jonathan wants me

to call a Fat Albert's place. Well, let me

see if I can find a Fat Albert's number, or if

Lonesome Loser or someone else can

find one. Why don't you try to find a

Fat Albert's restaurant out there, buddy, and

we'll try to call it.

So, yeah.

Guys, I need to take a break, you know?

Mandatory break.

It's almost 1 o'clock here.

We're going to take a break, and we'll come back.

You all right with that, Mr. Madman?

Oh, yeah.

Packing the bowl right now.

Clone, you going to be here after this break, or do you have to go?

You got to work.

No, I'm cool.

I'll be here.

I got to get a drink.

I got a big day tomorrow.

I'm re-registering for college tomorrow after a two-year hiatus.

I sent you a number, too.

You did?

Okay, cool.

I got it here now.

And after the break, it's all on you, Clone.

Bozo.

That's right.

Yeah, call him, man.

Do a call, man.

Call him.

We'll see.

His wife doesn't want to.

His wife's mad at him about the phone because he ran out the long distance minutes the other

day.

We'll be right back after this.

This is now 1249 Madhouse Radio, MadhouseLive.com, PCRadio.com, and your mom's mouth.

Talk dirty Australian to her.

Yes.

That piece of shit up there, I never like him.

I never trust him.

For all I know, he had me set up to have my friend Angel Fernandez killed.

I hear he's not.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

Smoke some weed.

Ten minutes ago, a guy tried to break in my truck.

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Yes, it's a long way to test out Puerto Rican.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

Morgan Spurlock's experiment to try heroin for 30 days enters its 200th day.

It's the Onion Radio News. This is Doyle Redland reporting.

Producers of Morgan Spurlock's documentary television program 30 Days

say they have put the show on hold after Spurlock's month-long experiment with heroin

went over budget and off schedule.

Producer Danny Quinn says Spurlock's trial habit was causing the host to vomit or steal

during on-camera interviews.

We did a show where Morgan got a job as a telemarketer, but he OD'd on his first day.

With the show now on hiatus, Spurlock says his next project will be to spend 30 days pimping his vegan wife, Alex, on the streets of Minneapolis.

Doyle Redland for The Onion Radio News.

Sponsored by Sony Ericsson, the Sony Ericsson WA-10 Walkman phone.

You know, it's kind of like a phone, but with a Walkman in it.

98.6.

No.

This guy left, Fred.

They said it was over.

No, don't put him on.

Oh, Fred.

And we're back.

Welcome back, everybody, to Madhouse Radio.

Oh, bless me.

Still no sign of the milkman, huh?

I'm worried.

Satellite blew away.

Satellite blew to hell.

Yeah, he had sweet kisses.

I'm worried, too.

He had some sweet kisses all night.

Satellite's floating in the ocean, everybody.

Kitty over here got all over me last night, and now I can't make a phone call.

Is Saigon in the chat room?

Are you serious?

Why would he be in the chat room, dude?

Shouldn't he be listening to that other guy?

Because nobody bans his ass.

We ban him, then we unban him.

That's funny.

Yeah, I know, but that's not banning.

Yeah.

Clone, what would you do right now if you had the power?

Me?

I'd just kick the shit out of him.

Yeah.

Good.

Nothing wrong with that, everybody.

Nothing wrong with being a little anti-Sygon every once in a while.

Lord Spoon is sending in a whole bunch of fucking numbers here.

Hang on.

This is a guy I think you...

Knock his teeth out with a T-ball bat.

He's fucking crazy.

He thinks he's an elite hacker and usually yells at you from the start of a conversation.

and thinking he knows who you are.

Huh, really?

Interesting.

Who is it?

I don't know.

Some crazy motherfucker is all he said.

I don't know his name,

but apparently he's...

No name?

No name, except for crazy motherfucker.

Billy Joe sounds like...

Billy Joe Bobstein.

So,

yeah

aka Raven

right

let's go ahead

and close Jonathan out of here

we do have

Fat Albert's location

I just came in from Captain Stubbing, a.k.a. Lonesome Loser.

We'll call that soon.

We also have numbers from The Warrior, The Lion's Den, and Laura's Lip Service also on deck.

Lonesome Loser also sent in Amigos Donuts and Legends at Spirit Mountain.

We have The Center from Madman.

We can call that also.

What else do we have here?

We got the Sexual Toy Emporium still on deck here if you want to try that.

And, yeah, Crazy Motherfuckers Called Billy Joe.

Whatever.

All right, fine.

We'll call him.

Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.

I like my ass.

Is she a girl?

Well, Fiend is a girl.

Fat Albert's subject should carry out her delivery.

Free, free Sesame Street.

You Viglio?

This is Albert, Fat Albert, baby.

How you doing?

Hey.

Yeah.

I need to call to let you know we got some bad news.

We're gonna be shutting down the restaurant.

There can only be one Fat Albert.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hello, sir.

I guess he's gone.

Well, that goes out to Jonathan.

And only Jonathan would want us to do that.

So that is Fat Albert himself.

stuff. I still don't have the Fat Albert theme song.

Son of a bitch. Need to get that.

I got Uncle Tom's. Uncle Tom,

nigga? Uncle Tom, nigga.

Uncle Tom, sell out, white

motherfucker. I told them last time their name

was stuck at me. Yeah?

Is it Uncle Tom's cabin?

I don't know. It's Uncle Tom's something.

Barbecue or fucking dick sucks.

Whatever. Okay.

We're calling this crazy motherfucker guy then.

Hang on. He don't have the intelligence

to do it. That's cool to talk about.

Ooh. That's man. No one's fired.

Cool, later.

Yeah, fine.

What?

You don't bring anything to this.

You're the weakest link, man.

You gonna let him talk to you like that?

Stand up for yourself.

Weakest link, man.

The squeaky wheel gets the juice.

So, we're ready to do this call.

I've been more a part of this show than the warrior.

That's true.

Or milkman, for that matter.

Tonight, at least.

That's damn right.

You guys can't blame him for his satellite blowing away in his little hut.

I mean, come on.

The Filipino chicks are supposed to be able to fix anything.

Ah.

Hey, what's up my friend? What up? Who's that? My name? I'm brother Joe. Yeah, my name's brother Larry. Yeah. Yeah

What do you say there? How about a good old phone handshake? How you do? How about uh, let's all play to state

That's what I'm looking for. I don't talk about that brother

You know about the satanic bible?

Oh lord, baby Jesus sent his own-

I'm not gonna talk to you about that!

But see, uh, you people are retards.

You know why you're retards?

Because of that dumb guy that you called because daddy's bored.

You fucking think that you-

No, hey, talk to Rabin because hey,

daddy already knows exactly which one of you retards are.

Get-get-get-get-get-get off the phone!

Rabin.

What you regret, Nick? Motherfucker, we are sick of this shit, goddammit.

You talk like no motherfuckers, motherfuckers, motherfuckers.

And let's talk about, uh, let's see, big fat ass rap.

Man, let me talk about my shotgun and my pickup truck.

Let's talk about, uh, let's see, nobody can hear you, retard, you know that?

What do you got to say?

That he didn't say he could talk, did he?

What do you got to say?

Brother man.

I say in the name of the Lord Jesus, expel...

Let's build a demon off of this man here on the phone.

No, no, no, no, you've got to say, may I speak?

Ah, praise the Lord Jesus.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Lord Jesus and Jesus.

You've got to say, Master Raven, may I speak?

Fuck you, this motherfucker.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This ain't the military, boy.

This ain't the military, Richard.

Daddy Raven, may I please speak?

Fuck you, you're sick and tired.

It's pretty hot.

Fuck you, bitch, motherfucker.

Daddy Raven said you boys can't speak.

Fuck you, bitch.

Fuck you, Raven.

Daddy Raven wants to read us the fucking South of Devil Bible.

Come on.

Daddy Raven wants to hear some verses out of the Devil's Bible, you motherfucker.

You didn't say it correctly.

Come on, you've got to tell it correctly now.

Daddy, Daddy Raven, Daddy Raven, can I talk?

Daddy Raven.

That's how you talk, motherfucker.

His name's Raven, man, I told you.

When's the last time you discussed your daddy's cock, retard?

Your mother's cunt.

Hey, your mother's cunt.

Our daddy has had his fucking ribs removed, motherfucker.

Your daddy has.

You goddamn redneck.

Go get back in your fucking pickup truck.

I'm over here at six.

da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da

hey which one of you are at the top and which one of you are at the bottom?

ah you're a bunch of guys on here

y'all must be fucking each other in the ass right?

your mom's mouth is full right now

ah yeah yeah yeah

all this is being recorded so we can laugh at you people again

you need to talk to your mom?

hang on

every time you recharge the call there's never a female on there with you

here's your mom

The reason it is is because you two are gay.

Here's your mom.

Hey, homo.

Come on.

Come on, baby.

Yeah.

Come on, queers.

Really?

Oh, look at there.

That's a little homo trying to pretend to be a girl now.

I hurt my teeth.

Well, you must be the bottom, right?

Hang on.

Don't go anywhere.

Hang on.

What the fuck?

I was trying not to hang up on them and conference him with another number just so they could

hear him talking crazy like.

I love when he goes.

You know who needs to talk to him?

That's how he sounds.

You know who needs to talk to him is Crazy Motherfucker.

That's right.

You know what I mean?

Crazy.

We need to get him on the phone with Saigon, so we need Saigon to call in.

Saigon to call in, too, yeah.

But where's Crazy Guy?

I'm sure he's listening.

He's from New Jersey.

So who is that guy?

You guys have talked to him before?

Yeah, Billy Joe.

Sounds like a fuck job.

What's his problem?

Jesus fucking Christ.

He's a nut.

I guess.

Anyway, let me try to get Crazy Fucker in the line here so we can talk to him before

we end the show shortly.

Not yet, but soon.

Eventually we have to.

Oh, yeah, dude.

I forgot to tell you.

I got to be up at 8.

We're both going out at 8 o'clock tomorrow.

Wonderful.

We got to go to the university.

Wonderful.

Yeah, I forgot to tell you about that

It's all good, man

I'm sorry, dude

I'm sorry

We're gonna watch Borat, though

You wanna watch Borat?

Hell yeah

10.30, we're gonna watch it

We gotta go to the University of A

Fuck, I left my phone off

Alright, we'll talk, we'll talk

But yeah, I gotta watch Borat tomorrow

Everybody go see Borat

You know what I mean?

Borat

That's gonna be an awesome movie

It's gonna be an awesome movie tomorrow

That's right, that's right

It looks funny, though

I gotta download it, too

I'm checking on that right now

Do that

Our friend Mammon is checking that out

Okay, anyway

Next prank all the night's coming right now

Hang on, everybody

Hey, what's up, brother?

Oh, you mean who's this?

Who's this?

Bubba Johnson

Bubba Johnson, how you doing, man?

Hold on a second

I was talking like a white boy for a second

Now I'm back on the phone

I called you an accident

I meant to call someone else

In your same town

My bad

How you doing brother?

Yo man

I'm just chilling in the crib

Ted man

You're doing good

I'm sorry

I'm sorry if I woke anybody up

Over there

I meant to call someone else

No problem

My bad

What's up?

Yeah Carlito man

Carlito

How you been?

How's the old lady?

She's alright

Good deal

Alright man

Well I won't take up

Any more of your time

I'll try to do it

No problem

I'll try not to mess up

This time

Thank you man

Alright bye

How embarrassing

What the fuck

I called him an accident, I mean

Called him an accident, hang on

She only let him stick her head in

The fuck?

In here too

I said low ground

No, this song

I'm chilling

Big sitting grin

See the message of the tone

I'll be picking up the phone, man

Trying to reach you

Easy man

Easy man must be out

I will

Sorry to bother you, sir

Bye-bye now

See you, man

Thanks for participating

Thanks for playing

Madhouse Radio

I have procured me some cheese

And some booze

Okay, well, we're moving on

Moving on, moving right along

With the next prank call of the night

Move on, move on, move on.

All right.

Jaws Fish Tacos and Island Style Grill.

Stooges Bar and Restaurant.

I think we called them already.

Castro Valley Donuts in California.

Huh.

Mexican guy answered at 1 a.m.

Okay.

Let's call Amigos Donuts first.

Go.

Krispy Kreme, man.

I love fucking food.

Kevin Nealon on the weed, but I'm not a councilman.

Looking awesome on that show.

Around smoking weed.

Cracking up.

Watching it gets better, man.

Keep watching.

What's it in?

The third season now?

Hey, how you doing, amigo?

Hi.

Hey, may I ask the manager or owner, please?

Yeah.

Owner.

Owner, not here.

Where's Jefe?

Where's the Jefe?

I don't know.

Jefe, Jefe, where's the Jefe?

No, no, nobody.

Who is it?

Only employee.

The only employee?

Yeah.

Are you cleaning?

Yeah.

Are you closed?

Yeah.

When do you open again?

Oh, four o'clock.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Are you Chinese or Japanese?

Japanese.

You're Japanese?

Yeah.

You're Mexican?

Yeah.

Yeah?

I don't know.

So what's Jefe's name?

Hello.

I want to speak to

I don't know. I think you got the wrong number.

I'm sorry.

I want to speak to

Come help you clean.

Oh, she hung up.

Japanese?

Yeah, sure, whatever.

What the hell are you saying?

She sounded Japanese or something.

DTT's checking out of the chat room.

Checking out of the chat room.

You know, guys, I'm returning

four books tomorrow to the university

that I've had out

between the two of you,

between the three of you, I suppose.

Clone, you go first. Give me your

guess on how long these books have been out for.

How many years? A book.

I have four books and I'm returning

to the library tomorrow. Guess how long they've been out for.

My guess is... All four of them?

Yeah, four of them. Say a year

and a half. Nope. No, we're not even close.

I'm guessing

three months. Nope.

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. Warrior?

I'm going to guess two years.

Much longer than that.

It's been out since March of 1998.

So that would be, wow.

I looked at the cards today on March of 1998.

I owe the library $425 for the four books.

They sent you that notice?

Yeah, but no.

That would be eight years.

I'm trying to get back.

Yeah, yeah, eight years.

so I told them

I talked to the

the head guy

the head librarian

he made me a deal

he said if I return the books

and pay him 25 bucks

he'll let me go

I'm like hell yes

I gotta do that tomorrow

at 8 o'clock

he said

he didn't want money

he didn't want books back

these books are like

from 1940s and stuff

like super rare books

and stuff

so I think they're just

happy to get them back

because they're not

they haven't been in

publication since like

the 70s I think

super old books

about Plato's Republic

I did a paper on

Plato's Republic

dropped out of college

and never returned the books

And I tried to get back in, and they came by and said, you owe us $425.

I'm like, the hell I do.

You know, you're a good citizen.

Yeah, but I remember the books, and I found the books in my parents' house.

So there it is.

Hooray for Florida.

Wow.

Hooray for Florida.

That's an amazing story.

For Florida, yeah.

So the state wins, and I win.

We're all happy.

$25.

$25 is a lot better than $425, my friend.

What a reduction.

Yeah, definitely.

It's a $400 reduction, people.

Anyway, the Dead is announcing that Saw 4 is being announced for release on October 26, 2007, of course.

Of course, man.

Saw 3 made money, so they're going to announce the second one, of course.

They don't stop making sequels until the movie stops making money.

You know what I mean?

And sometimes they keep going.

Like Star Trek.

Keeps going and going and going.

Anyway, enough talk about that.

Time to prank some people.

Time to prank some people before you wrap it up for the night.

Because I have to be up in about six hours.

Whoop-de-frickin-a-do.

Yeah.

Well, you know what?

I want to do something with my life, okay?

All right.

This guy.

He laughed when I said I was going to quit smoking weed.

He laughed just like that.

Yeah, I did.

Yep.

Sooner or later, you'll come back, you bastard.

How's that going for you?

It's good.

I'm not buying any more after this that I got.

I'm done.

I swear.

After this.

I swear I'm not an addict.

Hey, we got a call back from Crazy Fucker.

Let's see if we didn't call the wrong number.

Madhouse Radio, you're on the air.

Hey.

Hello, brother man.

What's up?

up? Hey, I guess I should turn down the radio. Turn down the radio if you don't mind, sir.

First rule of calling in a talk radio show, turn down the radio. Gotta love that feedback.

Oh, yeah. This is a dumb fucker from California. What's up, brother? How you doing, man? Oh,

great, man. I'm listening to your show, man. What do you think? We started late tonight,

but fuck it, right? Man, hey, some of that shit, man, made me re-evaluate my position

on things. When you called that lady in England there, was she from England? It says,

that she was going to call the police.

She got scared, yeah.

Yeah, you know what?

It just clicked.

That's what they're doing, man.

In England, they're trying to do the same shit in our country

that they already did in England,

and that's put a fucking surveillance camera every six inches.

They've already got that.

Yeah, in England, man, they've got more fucking cameras in London

than they've got in the whole rest of the fucking Europe,

including the communist country.

Dude, the police don't come when everybody runs for your life.

You know, with directional microphones in them, they listen and they surveillance everything.

Yeah, man, you know, that's all these motherfuckers that have sold their soul, man, to the hotness of mankind.

You know, they're the same motherfuckers that get up in the morning and go to these factories

and work on death beans and fucking microwave death beans that they can, you know,

and they're the motherfuckers that dream up the viruses to kill off 90% of the fucking people in the world.

I heard they made this bomb that gives you diarrhea.

Oh, dude.

It blows up in the air and everybody under it gets diarrhea.

I don't know about that, but I know that over in Iraq, man,

they're dropping all kinds of bombs on innocent people over there.

Depleted uranium, giving them all cancer.

Oh, shit, dude, tons of it.

You know what?

The fucking, you know what?

These motherfuckers that invented that shit,

they're all dead now, but they're like they're replacements now.

You know, they got tired of ecologists and sane people telling them,

hey, man, you shouldn't be messing with that shit.

You shouldn't be messing with refined uranium, plutonium, and all that shit.

Dirty shit.

Now they've dumped it over there in the Middle East,

and they've literally bombed your fellow Americans that were dumb enough to fucking do their shit.

Hey, man, what do you think about what John Kerry said about if you don't go to school and shit,

you're going to end up in Iraq?

Man, he was totally right on, dude.

Yeah, that's what I said.

When you tune in to the mainstream propaganda fucking news,

they say, oh, John Kerry, he might have just defeated the Democrats' chances of taking office.

Man, they're acting like, hey, here's my, there's two kinds of,

well, there's like one kind of person that goes to Iraq is mentally fucking retarded,

that joins the military to go to Iraq because they bought this propaganda.

And there's a second kind of person that will go to Iraq, and they're the psychopaths.

They're the ones that want to go over there and kill people legally without facing ramifications they would.

You know, they often come back as serial killers.

You know, there are a lot of these motherfucking serial killers out there in our country who are fucking military people.

No shit, when they catch a fucking serial killer, they usually got a military background.

Yeah, because they learned that in the Marines.

Hey, man, do you know about Area 57?

Area 51, you mean?

No, no, Area 51 is a ruse.

The real thing is Area 57.

Area 51 is just a decoy.

Really?

Well, that's beyond me, dude.

I know about William Cooper.

You know about William Cooper in Area 51?

No, what?

He was killed by the government for exposing that shit.

Oh, yeah?

Didn't you used to call in that Art Bell dude all the time?

Yeah, I used to talk to Art Bell all the time.

I used to prank his ass, man.

I used to call up and then I'd love to, after he'd cut me off,

then you'd get like the next 50 people,

oh, that guy, he ought to be locked up.

He's, oh, you know, but, oh, you know, it was like fucking, man,

because, man, you know, it was like, hey, let me say something to you.

What you did last week, dude,

Dude, if there was a fucking Academy Award for prank calls, you would have got an Academy Award because you pranked my ass, dude.

I was on my computer trying to look up the mouth, 98.6.

I've got to say, that was clever and witty and beautiful, dude.

You're not alone.

A lot of people talk about that for days.

Dude, if I was a fucking Eskimo, I'd have bought a refrigerator from you.

you know you had you did you you slick you know you guys the way you did that man you

man they're doing to all of us when you tune in to cbs or fox or wait a minute wait a minute wait

a minute we even offered money nobody figured it out so hey it wasn't a farce yeah it wasn't

you're bad you're bad oh you're bad yeah they're picking this dude but you know it's real it's like

the consequences of death if you're dumb enough to buy into their bullshit there ain't been a

The fucking war we're fighting, the United States should have been involved with since World War II.

And we had to go there and kick fucking Hitler's ass, you know, because that son of a bitch, you know.

He got out of hand.

And we had to drop two nukes on Japan, too, those loud fuckers talking too much shit.

Well, I don't think, I disagree with you there because from what my studies is that, you know,

maybe I've been fed a line of bullshit, but what I understand is that the Japanese were about ready to throw in the fucking towel, man.

And the dudes were so depleted that they would have fucking...

They had no fuel for their planes and tanks and shit anymore.

They were out.

They were completely cut off from everything, you know?

Yeah, from what I understand is that the United States dropped an atomic bomb on fucking Nagasaki, Hiroshima

to show the Soviet and Eastern Bloc countries that...

They were in charge now.

The United States was a fucking big boy.

Because America didn't get Hitler, the Russians got Hitler, man.

The Russians are the guys that made it to Berlin and took out Hitler.

But you know what, they fucking deserved it after what they went through.

Hitler came through, the Nazi army pretty much got within a stone's throw

of destroying the Russian fucking army and taking over Russia.

And luckily, the way the Russians did it,

Every village that they surrendered

Right before they surrendered

They burned everything down

Burned all the supplies

And the Nazis fucking starved

And they had this horrible fucking winter

Russian winter

The harshest winters

The Russians knew how to get around it

And the Nazis were out there in their summer clothes

And they froze to death and starved to death

They like had Leningrad surrounded

Yeah

Yeah, you're right

Exactly, man

Hitler wouldn't have been a fucking megalomaniac

Russians lost how many millions?

Russians lost the most people.

Then it was more than the Jews died, I think.

Oh, dude, they're looting, man.

They're fucking looting the United States Treasury.

They're pimping our country off, dude.

I don't know.

It's fucking shit, man.

They're pimping us off, dude.

These motherfuckers are sucking the dicks of the fucking rich Jews over in Israel.

Hey, man.

No shit.

They are, man.

They're sucking the dick right off of you, man.

That is a statement right there.

These Democrats and Republicans are blowing the motherfuckers for the cash, dude.

Because I tell you what, they sold, you know what, and dudes like me, man, we'd rather die on our feet than live on our fucking knees.

Right on, man.

That's what Zapata said, man.

yeah that's i think yeah i still yeah

you're right about that man i'd say this man hey dude you got a wonderful fucking show dude and

And, like, I just want to tell you, man, last week, that was the best thing I ever fucking heard on PCU

because you pranked everybody's ass.

Yes.

You didn't call up people and throw a prank on them.

You pranked your audience.

Yep.

Damn right, man.

Dude.

Damn right.

They deserved it.

You damn right, dude.

Yeah.

You gave me a wake-up call because now I fucking, if it's fucking 12 noon and somebody tells me it's daytime, I ain't going to fucking believe them, man.

Yep, yep.

I could sell you an Eskimo refrigerator.

Awesome.

Hey, man.

Thank you for calling in, man.

We're glad to hear from you.

Hey, man, you're going to cut me.

Hey, let me, you got any prank?

Can I get in with a prank?

Sure.

Sure. Talk to this crazy guy who kept yelling at us five minutes ago, or like 20 minutes ago at this point.

Was that a white guy or a black guy?

It's a white guy named Willie Joe.

That was a redneck motherfucker.

A redneck motherfucker named Willie Joe.

Okay, before I go, I'd like to share a song I wrote with you.

Oh, God. Okay, good. Are you playing it? Are you singing it?

No, I just tell you, man, if you like rap, then you ought to sit on my lap when I get ready to take a crap.

Because every time I sit on the crapper, my butthole turns into a rapper.

If you think black is beautiful, well, I just shit me a Rembrandt.

Rembrandt?

Yeah, I hate fucking rap.

Holy shit.

I got to tell you, dude.

You're going to put that shit on?

Yeah.

You know, when motherfuckers sing that rap, they're like fucking blowfish, dude.

You know what a blowfish is?

Yeah, I know.

When a blowfish feels, it's a little pathetic fucking fish, but when it feels threatened, it blows itself up.

Now, these goddamn, hey, these motherfuckers don't never get sucked in by these motherfucking people that are in gangs and shit.

You know what?

Because they're like the little blowfish.

they puff themselves up

and I'll tell you what

they're like basically

they're just fucking

they're scum man

they're sucking the dicks right off us man

they don't walk

they don't walk their own path

they're just like these bikers

outlaw bikers

boy I tell you they're the biggest

they ain't individualists

they're the biggest fucking conformists there

they all wear the same uniform

they talk the same shit

and half them motherfucking outlaw bikers,

half them Hells Angels and outlaws and banditos and shit are all federal agents.

Right on, man.

I ain't shit.

You don't never get sucked into that, dude.

All right, prank that guy.

We got to prank this guy.

All right.

Hang on, brother, man.

Thank you for your rap.

Make sure you talk in a redneck voice.

Yes, please.

Just testify to this guy.

What's the guy's name?

Billy Joe.

Billy Joe?

Billy Joe.

That is a very redneck name.

If it was named Dale, it'd be even worse.

Okay, well, here comes that, everybody.

Crazy fucker from California with a prank call to Billy Joe once again.

We're out back after this.

I thought it'd be good.

Okay, go ahead and say one thing.

All right, dude.

You know what?

Halloween, man.

I tuned in and listened to that little Neil, that girl that was supposed to be on there.

You're in love with her, aren't you?

No, I just, it was a new show.

You know, hey, dude, dude.

I'm in love with every woman on the planet, you know, I'm in love with them, but anyway,

dig this, man, and KDK was on there, right?

Yeah.

So I listened to KDK, the Halloween show, and some of it was pretty cool, man, because

him and, I think he's doing a prank, because he has like a gay soap opera going on his

show with, you know, he had his, but anyway, now check this.

Now, then at the end of the show he says, well, he says, there's only one listener out there,

and he's a fucking loser because he's listening to this show.

Anybody that's cool is not listening to this show.

Now, that's the first time in the history of fucking any talk radio show

that I ever heard a motherfucker fucking show a fucking loser.

Well, you should start listening to KDK more.

Yeah, KDK does that a lot.

I think it's a put-on, and I think the dude acts like he's drunk,

but he's probably a fucking CIA agent.

I think so, too.

He's probably one of these homosexuals like Hitler used to have, the brown shirt.

The first fucking guys that Hitler recruited was all fucking homosexuals.

And then after Hitler got popular with the German people,

then he killed all his fucking first friends, right?

Yeah, and I got to tell you, I kind of think maybe KDK might be like that, but I don't know, man.

But I enjoy this show, but anyway, as long as he tries to kill with words, that's okay,

because sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.

Amen, brother.

Right?

And just remember this, man.

Life is but a fucking dream, dude.

Everything's a dream.

Really, really, really, really.

Our existence on this planet is a passing illusion.

Wake up, man.

Yeah, right?

You agree with that?

Yes.

That's the only thing I can tell you, dude,

is that of all the songs I ever heard on this fucking earth,

only two of them ever made sense,

and one of them was Life, Row, Row, Row Your Boat,

Gently Down a Stream,

and the second one was where he says,

if you eat when you're hungry and you can drink when you're dry

And if the bad times don't kill you

Then you're gonna live till you die

Alright, man

Alright, dude

Alright, brother

He just hangs up and just says goodbye

He drops it like Chris Rock at the end of a stand-up thing

He just drops the phone and hangs up

Crazy motherfucker

Yeah, no shit

That guy's a hoot

You can't do a show without talking to him

Yeah, we can't do a show without talking to him

Um, I'm out of gas, man

1.37am, holy shit

We gotta call it a night

If it wasn't for work, people

I don't know if it wasn't well if it wasn't for school

and school work and school

and movie even worse yeah

even worse anyway so yeah

milkman take us out of here damn

it's hard to do this without Hank Klund take us out of here

man go ahead and give us your best milkman impersonation

I want to say thanks

to all you madmen

thanks for coming out of the closet dude

you rock fuck you

Carlito thanks for sponsoring

a great show

the fuck was that

coming out of the fucking closet

Fuck you.

I'm not a fucking trainee or bi or gay.

Nothing like that shit, motherfucker.

I like to fuck that pussy.

Keep going.

I'm sorry.

I can't.

This is bad.

Oh, we'd like to thank all you listeners for tuning in.

Thank you, KDK, for being the fucking man behind all this shit.

Yeah.

Keep going, clone.

I know you got some shit now.

You got it, clone.

Come on.

I can't.

Thank you, warrior.

Well, fuck everybody else then.

Thank you, the warrior, for being there for us.

Warriors here

In the background

That's right

I'd like to thank Ted

For letting me call him an accident

Crazy fucker

And fucking

Congratulations Ted

On your auto-op

As well

Yeah

Thank you Madman

For this boxing ring man

Thank you man

I'd just like to thank

Dr. Lego

The voice of

PCU

And KDK man

Thanks mom

Dad

Wherever you are

The Cerebro

KDK

Out there

The Grandmaster

Mr. Pranks, KDK.

This isn't a scene without Milkman.

This sucks.

Now, we cannot forget Lonesome Loser.

Lonesome Loser.

For giving us all the good numbers.

The hardest worker man.

And thanks are you.

I'd also like to thank Sweet Kisses out there.

Sweet Kisses.

I wish I could give you kisses, but we're just too far away.

Ellie, I love you.

Thank the Jonathan for calling in.

The Jonathan.

Who else called in?

Nobody else called in.

That's it.

None of you called in.

I'm very, very upset with everybody.

I'd like to thank Jesus.

Jesus.

It's not even possible.

Jesus.

And Allah.

Hallelujah, brother.

Allah most high.

Praise be to Allah.

Lonesome Loser.

Who else we got to thank?

Everybody who listened in, DTT back in the house.

I want to thank DTT for returning.

Welcome back to the family.

Welcome back, DTT.

We hope that stalker is not listening.

Yeah, we hope the guy is not listening.

And there it is.

Hope the herpes is doing fine.

Warrior, we already said thank you.

Thank you for sitting in, man.

Good work, Warrior.

Thank you for your help.

Team Speak and all that.

And once again, Madhouse Live will continue next week at 11 p.m.

At 11 p.m., that's right, at a special time.

MadhouseLive.com, everybody.

Thanks, Madman.

How was what they did last week, Not a Sopper?

I think KDK is upset at you.

Cloned.

Whatever.

Is that it?

Are we done?

I guess, right?

I think that's it.

That's it.

We've thanked everybody for listening and all that.

Oh, well, it won't be the first time.

Yeah, well, tomorrow, Zolar, in theory, will be on.

Tomorrow, Zolar, in theory.

No, Zolar's not.

He's in Beverly Hills.

Oh, fuck it, Dan.

Fucking Zola.

He flies somewhere different every week.

Every other week he's somewhere.

What the hell is this all about, man?

Is that something?

I think it's all a farce.

I think he's a mule.

Trying to be a jet setter.

Whatever, he's trying.

Hey, Warrior, man.

What's up?

This is the last week you're going to see me for a while.

Oh, what's wrong?

You upset?

You too, huh?

No, I just got a new job at UPS.

I start at 10 p.m.

Hey, man, just like Andy.

Look at that.

Both of you working at UPS.

Make sure you take some pictures and send them in to UnitedPackageSmashers.com.

UnitedPackageSmashers.com, right?

That's the site that outs UPS, yes.

So, man, enjoy that.

That's a fun job right here.

I hear it pays well, though.

I'm sure you'll like UPS, man.

It's very taxing on the body but very good in the wallet.

Congratulations, Warrior, on your new job, man.

Thanks for paying for the call.

Thanks for the TeamSpeak server also, man.

Couldn't do it without you, my brother.

It's all good.

No problem.

All right, so that's it, man.

We're going to call it a night.

Thank you, everybody, for listening.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to say.

KDK is on Saturday night at 10 p.m. Eastern, Lunatic Fringe.

Be sure to listen to that.

Great, great show.

Sunday night, nothing.

Monday night, Dr. Lego or High Pitch Eric or somebody, maybe.

I don't know what's going on with those guys.

But I'm sure one of them will be on.

The High Pitch Eric stable, or rather the Dr. Lego stable at PCU,

will be on Monday night.

Little Evil Neo, I guess, is doing a show on Tuesday nights.

I didn't hear her this Tuesday.

I don't know what happened there, but she should be back on Tuesday.

And Wednesday, KDK returns with his Psychobabble at 10 p.m. Eastern as well.

Great show.

And then Thursday night, we complete the circle here with another beautiful,

wonderful episode of Madhouse Radio.

Thank you, everybody, for listening.

And we're out.

Later, Flone.

Good evening, Tom.

Good night, Harley, though.

We love you, man.

You know what?

We're not even online right now.

I think you're lying, man.

We have not.

Excuse me.

We have your name.

We have your everything.

Okay, and what is the name?

What is the address?

What is the email?

We don't give that out.

How do I know that you're not going to use that?

Exactly.

How do I know?

Because you know what?

We're not even online right now.

You listen to me.

What are you, a vampire?

Excuse me.

You're a bum.

You people are bums.

It's 5.30.

You know what, asshole?

look don't try and tell me that i owe you money i'm an attorney ma'am yeah i have gas listen

well you owe me five dollars for breaking the toilet breaking the toilet what toilet tell me

where who this is the white toilet i told you already my name is bo steen i ain't fixing nothing

because i didn't fight nothing i don't i don't use anybody's toilet you came down you used the

toilet you took a big and i took a big yes and it wasn't me pal it was not me you got the wrong

guy why don't you tell me in your own words be honest sure the russians are upset we're trying

to keep them beat all right what do they do i need you to tell me everything i did not do anything

basically what you told me i mean this guy we could start a war over this oh god you know the

judges i don't know what they're gonna think you know what do they do i mean am i in trouble

Anything about that, sir?

Well, that's, that's, well, ignorance of the law is no excuse.

I mean, that's, what did I do?

I mean, if we're all going to get our hand released, you know, I mean.

I provide clothes for individuals that come in and buy them from me.

Under slave labor.

No, I don't have any slave labor.

Then why do you call this workshop?

I don't have time for your bullshit.

You son of a bitch, you motherfucking, you are under speaking money.

I know.

What the fuck do you want?

You speak, you speak, I say.

You motherfucking, you motherfucking.

I go ahead, man.

You other bitch.

I'm gonna fuck you.

You bitch.

Don't never.

I'm punching him out.

Don't I get into these points, man?

Mow my lawn.

You mother fucker.

Why are you so angry?

What's my quality?

Fuck you, man.

First of all, um.

I can't talk online.

Give me the room number and the last name I can call you.

Why don't you shut the hell, why don't you shut the hell up?

You, fuck you, fuck you.

Okay, so what do you call yourself, huh?

Como se llama?

There's no one that can match me.

My style is impetuous.

is my defense is impregnable and i'm just ferocious i want your heart i want to eat his

children

no you're not having no you know sex with me yes i am you're gonna like it

it's gonna be just just like when your cousin was in town what cousin your cousin your cousin

girlfriend mother sister wife you can go to hell dude you can go to hell you damn republican

I don't give a damn.

I don't know Bozeen.

Look, boy, I'm going to have sex with you.

Don't call me no boy.

I ain't no boy.

Let me talk to her while I stroke my cock.

No.

Please, I want to so bad.

Be male and smell her panties.

Yeah.

Or your panties.

Go smell her panties while we talk to you.

Who the hell is this?

You're fucking laughing in the background.

Who is this?

Let me talk to your hot sister.

Fuck you.

If you call her Jen, how old are you?

Thirteen.

Yeah, fucking right.

You sound like you're fuckin' 18 or 19.

13, I said.

You were a sick fuck.

Come on, let me text your sister, man.

Be a pal.

No!

Have you ever seen your sister naked?

No!

Fuck you.

Look.

Fuck, man.

You.

I'm not on my fuckin' street, you fuckin' fat ass that fuckin' broke my fuckin' car.

You, you know.

Yeah, that's right.

Uh, look, man.

I don't know what you be talkin' about.

Oh, I know what I'm talkin' about, cause I fuckin' recognize your goddamn number.

Okay, look.

I'm innocent.

You innocent?

I'm innocent.

And my shit got broken throwing out of my fucking car.

No, I don't know.

And we fucking stopped you.

I don't know.

And my fucking CD player was in your fucking dashboard.

Aloha.

Yeah, how you guys doing, man?

I'm staying in Honolulu out of town from the United States.

You know what I'm saying?

Yes, sir.

And I like chicken.

Yes, sir.

Yeah.

Can you bring me some chicken?

Oh, I cannot bring you chicken.

We don't have our delivery.

What the fuck?

A to the K, yo.

A to the KFC.

See, I know, but we don't have a delivery.

Can you dip a wing in your pocket and run it up to me?

Yeah, but I'm only one over here.

I cannot drop a chicken on you.

We will give you a couple hundred dollars, though.

Even though, guys.

Show me your dick, motherfucker.

You don't have dick.

You have pussy, motherfucker.

Are you asking me out?

Just come over here.

Are you asking me out?

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it, you know.

Tell me, tell me.

Oh, okay, motherfucker.

Do you know who's your daddy?

No.

you know you know how many guys fuck your mom before you came no oh that's

good how many guys fuck her before you came

tell me tell me are you happy now yeah I am that's good that's good are you happy

I'm happy yeah with your mom yeah I fuck your mom

it's a white man that don't want to hear from no goddamn niggas call me in the

fucking middle of the night

Let me hear it, Cracker.

You got that.

You nigger motherfucker.

Hey, do you have enough room for me?

I weigh about 428 pounds.

I can't understand a word you're saying.

I weigh about 428 pounds.

Then you're fat.

Hey, Carlito, man.

Yes, sir.

Hey, after listening to you, dude, I can't listen to normal radio, man,

because it sounds like a bunch of fucking retards.

You guys are the fucking greatest radio station in the United States of America

and around the world.

Now, I understand that you're even going to Australia and the U.K.

and all that shit, right?

Yeah, we're all over the place, man.

All right, dude.

That's good because you just keep evolving and growing, dude.

That happens, man.

All right, right?

Love, peace, and joy to all living sentient beings on the planet Earth, man.

Here and elsewhere, man.

Everywhere, man.

Everywhere.

God bless you, sir.

Love you, man.

Love you.

All right.

And cut.

Calls (23, 59 min of 2 h 50 min)

Transcript

Comments 0