2006-11-09 Show

PCU Radio. Skynet gets built. Who's responsible? The main most directly responsible is Carlito.

Director of Carlito Systems Corporation. Why him? Two months he creates a revolutionary type of

microprocessor. What? Three years Carlito will be the largest supplier of military computer systems.

All stealth bombers are upgraded with Carlito becoming fully unmanned. Afterwards they fly

with a perfect operational record. Carlito funding bill is passed. The system goes online on August

August 4th, 1997.

Syshtzer removed from strategic defense.

Carlito.

Begins to learn at a geometric rate.

Becomes self-aware at 2.14 a.m. Eastern Time.

August 29th.

Panicked, they try to pull the plug.

It launches its missiles against the targets in Russia.

Carlito.

Knows that the Russian counterattack will eliminate its enemies over here.

I want to know everything.

What he looks like, where he lives, everything.

I have detailed files.

Madhouse Radio is back.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to ask you for some fanfare, the band.

Fanfare, because, ladies and gentlemen, it has always gone ahead of itself.

They have done it again and again and again.

I remember the year they brought in the Fat Boys that were hotter than 10,000 firesides.

And if you know, if you enjoy hip-hop, if you want one of the coolest brothers,

Hey everybody, good evening.

Hello.

Madhouse Radio is here.

We have made it.

Passionately late as always.

We are here.

Thank you for what we do.

Yes, we have to.

Thank you everybody for being here tonight.

It is I, Carlito, as always.

Thank you.

Wow.

Beautiful crowd tonight, huh, Madman?

Oh yeah.

Great crowd.

Madman's here in studio with me.

Athena's running around cleaning the house.

And who else do we have here?

here milkman has just made it in to the satellite link up just in time milkman how you doing bro

oh you gotta speak up man you gotta speak up man i can barely hear you man come on man i'm here

man can you hear me now yeah even even better than that you could do even better than that man

okay i guess so well that's milkman's here all right milkman's made it and of course none other

than clone homegirl living the american dream what's up want me to do a bong hit real quick

Yes, please.

We are waiting for that with envy.

All right, just one second.

Let me burn it down.

Pay attention to how it's done.

We eat every day.

Excellent.

Wow.

Yeah, that's a ripper right there, man.

Jeez, you hear that when he exhales.

You know when you feel that hit when you exhale like that?

You're like, yeah, I know.

Some people say you've got to cough to get off.

You know what?

I find every time I cough, I get off.

But that's a different problem.

Well, here you go.

You know what?

Yeah.

I don't cough anymore, but I still get off.

Good, man. Good. I gotta see my urologist about that.

Hey, everybody. Welcome to the show. Thank you very much for tuning in.

And, uh, that's it. 11.32 p.m.

I'm sorry I had to work until 10 o'clock today, our normal start time.

This will happen again next week. We should be starting around 11 o'clock.

I just had some issues today. Um, after work as well that I had to handle.

But, uh, we're fine.

Yeah, exactly. Issues suck, man.

Goddamn work issues and shit.

but uh we're here we're okay you okay man man you quit work again who are you talking to

no i would if i were you man we're lazy we got beers we got a we got a sampler pack of

michelob here that we're drinking tonight uh if i had a marzen already and i'm gonna sampler pack

the sampler pack yes 20 beers uh five different kinds for each you got the marzen the pale ale

i'm gonna try that in a second a michelob pale ale it's a good beer and we got three different

kinds of blunts and we got three different kinds of blunts also here spinning around

Milkman, share the love. Brother, how you been, man? We missed you last week. What's going on with you, bro?

Hey, man. I'm glad to be back. Had a little bit of electrical difficulties there. I had to call a professional electrician in.

Oh, they got that bad? I called you during the week about that. They got that bad? You had to call an electrician?

Yeah, they got that bad. What happened was I had a few lightning storms a while back.

And if you remember, it took out one of my audio processors that I used to do all my recording and radio work with.

Right.

At the same time, one of the breakers out on the pole had got an arc in it and actually had melted one of the foots that connect the breaker into the box.

So I would catch an intermittent sparking and stuff all through the house, like the lights would come and go.

and i thought at first it was just the electric company and then i got noticing that the power

would go out but that there was lights would be on and so finally uh i just had to call

professional to get it fixed and uh last week just went on here and the power was off one

circuit be on and one would not would be off and damn it it was like half off half on big time so

sounds like some shit yeah you know clone used to be an electrician you should have called him

him why not i think milkman fixes audio problems too i didn't know that he would do uh you know

home delivery services but you know next time i'll have to have him come and do one for me

all the way the freaking virgin islands he would go he'd go for you once you clone you'd go out

there for him i'd go but i wouldn't do work when i got there i got you i take it straight over by

marijuana marijuana mountain that's where milkman lives the top of marijuana mountain

I live next door to Marijuana Mountain

That's what happened to the satellite

Interesting everybody

I own that place in the fucking before last

So what can we talk about?

Anything in the news?

Donald Rumsfeld's fired

Hallelujah

Praise the Lord

It's about time

Thank God for the Democrats

And the sanity of the American public

Goodbye Donald Rumsfeld

Nice to meet you

Welcome back to the 21st century

I'm going to have to thank the programmers on them voting machines.

It's a sad day for Iraq.

It is a sad day for Iraq.

I don't know about that, man.

They're going to pull us out.

Hopefully the Democrats will get things rolling and end that debacle of a war.

Good God, Jesus Christ.

That's all I've got to say.

Yeah, but we believe it'll be a civil war.

It's going to be a civil war, and Al-Qaeda is going to be a whole heck of a lot closer to Israel than they were before.

That's all I've got to say.

You made a whole mess of things, George W. Bush.

Thank you very much.

But how about that election, huh?

Who voted here?

I voted.

Man, man, did you absentee ballot?

Oh, yeah.

I voted for her.

Yeah.

Milkman, did you vote in the Virgin Islands?

I voted.

Milkman can't vote in the Virgin Islands.

Oh, yeah, man.

I always voted, man.

Yeah, they had a plebiscite there.

I voted for Kinky Friedman.

Oh, right.

Kinky Friedman.

Awesome, dude.

And, yeah, the Democrats took over the House.

The Democrats took over the Senate.

And we have a woman speaker now, too.

And we have a woman speaker.

Yeah, that's right.

She's not that bad looking for an 80-year-old, either.

She's going to be good, too.

Oh, man.

I'm really happy about it, you know, everything that's happened.

So this one goes out here to the...

I am, too.

I bet your team is happy, too.

This goes out to the Republicans here.

Goodbye.

Thank you for your service.

Give him a golf clap.

Yes.

Yes, golf clap.

Thank you, but no thank you.

See you now.

Bye-bye.

Thank you very much.

Twelve years of that is over.

God, did America just wake up from a slumber for the last twelve years or something?

Seriously, God.

God, it's over.

And I'm just getting breaking news also that Ed Bradley died today.

Is that correct?

Ed Bradley's dead.

Anybody know?

Who here knows who?

That's true, man.

Outside of me.

The one and the only, man.

Man, man doesn't know.

The 60 Minutes legend.

The man with the earring.

Yeah, he's from 60 Minutes.

CBS News died.

A black man died today.

Leukemia, man.

Okay, that's enough taps.

We've had enough deaths tonight.

Somebody in chat is just wanting to make a wish.

Okay, what's that?

Say my name, Colts.

There you go.

Colts.

This one goes out to Colts.

Happy birthday, Colts.

Happy birthday to you, man.

Awesome.

It's Hanukkah, though, isn't it?

Whatever it is.

It's not Hanukkah already.

It's still November.

It's not even Thanksgiving yet.

Why is the phone ringing already?

Oh, my God.

Turn it off.

People respect.

Jonathan.

It is Jonathan.

All right, let's get it out of the way.

Oh, geez.

Hang on.

Let's talk to Jonathan real quick, and we can start the show.

There goes the eardrums.

Madhouse Radio, you're on the air.

Hey, Carlito.

Hey, Jonathan.

How you doing, man?

I'm okay.

What's going on?

I'm happy.

Hey, Carlito.

We're having a good time.

We're having a great time.

I decided to call in a little earlier.

If you don't mind, I'd like to go to bed here in a little bit.

Oh, that's fine.

You're visiting the parents tonight?

Yeah.

How are they doing?

They're doing okay.

Go wake them up for us, Jonathan.

We want to talk to them.

Go put them on the phone, man.

Tell them what's up.

Tell them to listen to the show.

We need more listeners.

Tell them we want to recruit their friend.

I'm listening to my cell phone.

I don't know what's on it.

Oh, your parents don't have any internet on there, huh?

Yeah, I'm still listening to the show.

Oh, good.

And, um, that's all right.

I'm lighting a cigar right now.

How about that?

Hey, I sent you a number for a cheese boy.

Oh, he talked to you yesterday, was it?

No, it was the day before yesterday.

Oh, he's pissed off that I left him a message last week?

Yeah, you can do that again if you want.

We don't mind.

I'll call him

He doesn't mind

He got pissed off

But he don't mind

It's alright

That's the perfect situation

He call me a cheese boy

Or a penis boy

Cheese boy

He's cheese boy

That's a good comeback

Yeah

Same thing you called me

Look who's calling the kettle black

The pot called

Whatever

Anyway

So that's Crazy Jonathan man

Thanks for calling in

Did you vote

Oh not a problem

Not a problem

Alright

Not a problem

I think that's yes

Not a problem voting

Alright Jonathan

Does he know how to vote

Jonathan

Say hi to all your friends real quick

I would just like to say

Hello to all my friends and listeners out there

And peace to you

And I hope you all are good

And safe weeks then

Alright, God bless you sir

Thank you very much for calling in

The official first caller of the Madhouse Radio Show

Jonathan everybody

Alright, see y'all later

That's Jonathan everybody

Jonathan checking in

Good to hear from Jonathan

Let's call Cheese Boy

Cheese Boy got mad at me

I left him a stupid message

and he got all mad about it.

Lonesome Loser in the chat room as well,

sending us numbers diligently.

Lots of numbers here from Lonesome Loser tonight.

I will run down those in a second.

And clone, even babies can vote now with untouch screen.

God, I know, right?

When I was voting, there was...

Yeah, yeah.

Wait, what?

There was this black woman in the voting booth.

She was using the...

You know, like, where I vote at,

you got your regular voting booths with a paper ballot

and then they got the one D-Wold machine

that you can use if you want.

And this ghetto black woman was using it.

She had a baby in her lap who kept crying and yelling and hitting the buttons on the touch screen on purpose.

And she kept complaining that she needed to redo her vote because the baby kept touching him.

I swear to God, it was so funny.

She's like, baby.

She's calling baby.

Baby, stop touching the screen, boy.

People always try to blame her.

Yeah, that's what it was.

The baby did it.

Yeah, the baby messed it up.

The baby voted for her.

Baby crashed my car.

Yeah, I was the young one.

The baby voted for Jesse Jackson.

Wow, man.

Nice cigar.

I only hit that.

Hit that.

And you'll wonder what happens when Hillary is fucking president.

Yeah.

So, hey, if you guys want to get a hold of us tonight, the toll-free line is open already.

It's open early, as Jonathan has opened it for us.

He broke the hymen.

It is a nice cigar.

888-278-8509.

Man, man, if we had more time, we'd go to this awesome cigar bar I found yesterday where I work.

Well, we'll go tomorrow.

Hey, that's right.

You're here until tomorrow night.

Hell, yeah.

We're going to go to the cigar bar, everybody.

We're going to smoke stogies and drink, you know, expensive import beers.

yeah all right man oh yeah there it is and uh and yeah milkman you ready to do this bro

you're awfully quiet tonight yeah man let's do it man all right become more go get it become

more animated become more animated dtt chicken in returning to the chain we've got to call

charlie too man dtt saying i have been with since day one what up well all right what up man

man. What up, man? What up, man?

Raz and Mataz.

If you want to get a hold of us, we're gonna, like I said

already, at 12...

He's there till Saturday.

Whoa, that's way too loud. Yes.

Let's do a cigar party tomorrow,

guys, huh? Milkman, go ahead and fly in

and book the Concord.

Come on into Orlando.

And we're all gonna have a nice cigar party.

Yeah, man.

Clone, how long would it take you to get to Orlando?

I want me a Robusto.

Can you make that trip in a day?

Texas to Florida

You think you can make that?

Cool

Right on, man

Yeah, it wouldn't be no problem

Problem is

Cloned is not allowed

Across state lines

Mr. X

Turn your mic up a tad

We'll turn my mic up for you

No, you turn it up, bitch

I can't turn it up

We got just one, bitch

Here we go

That's better

Mr. X

I thought you came out

Of the closet last time

He did

It's Madman

Madman is

Say Biatch

If you guys don't know

Who Mr. X is

Watch Getaway in Stockholm

That's right

It's a racing movie

Or check out the podcast from last week, which is updated, the podcast, over at our website, MadHouseLive.com.

That's MadHouseLive.com.

You can also check us out on MadHouseLive.com.

Get away in Stockholm.

Stockholm, Sweden.

Is that the story of your life?

No.

Oh, okay.

Well, is it a movie?

Yeah, it's a movie.

It's a racing movie.

All right, I'll check that out.

I'm going to get that on Netflix.

Anyway, you can also check us out at 98.6ML.com.

And PCURadio.com

PCU as in Prank Call Underground

PCURadio.com is also up

That is the home page for Prank Call Underground Radio

And home to KDK

And his KDK Squad

KDK

PrankCalls.com as well

KDK as in Kill Death Kill

KDKPrankCalls.com

KDK, KDK, KDK

There I have given KDK all his plugs

Kill Death Kill

Jonathan says

Call Cheese Boy Carlito

call cheese boy man

come on man

call cheese boy

we'll get on that bro

you want to reach us on AOL instant messenger

madhouse radio is the line

again madhouse radio on AOL instant messenger

send us your phone numbers

and prank call requests

and your comments

keep in touch with us

madhouse pcu radio at yahoo.com

what?

yahoo messenger madhouse pcu radio

man I'm already wasted

it and uh msn messenger madhouse pcu radio at hotmail.com um milkman you reminded me about

charlotte if you want to go till four o'clock we might go to three slapping it's all good holy

we're gonna go until late tonight milkman you down for that man you gotta work tomorrow no man

i gotta work tomorrow but i went in and slept about three hours before the show milkman roll

man all right my man got a got a disco nap all right bro yeah way to go man yeah special

to extend an addition to the madhouse.

Up here.

Clone, hey, man.

Clone, bro, I was editing the podcast,

and you did this 98.6 to mouth in a radio voice.

That was awesome.

98.6 to mouth, mouth, mouth.

See, that's awesome.

We've got to do some promos.

Clone, we've got to get with me off the air tomorrow or something.

We've got to do some promos for the show.

We're going to use that voice.

All right, Carlito, we'll hook up.

See?

Look at that.

Awesome, dude.

Awesome.

And, yeah, the chat room.

Milkman will now attempt to give us a chat room.

Clone got it right on the second try last week.

Milkman gets one shot.

Go for it.

Okay, if you want to come in the good old IRC way,

it's irc.lazy-net.de.

Wow.

In your face, Clone.

I see you.

Come on in and join us.

In your face, Clone.

We're going to be all our friends over there at the Madhouse in the Madman room.

Yeah.

Clone got it right, too, though.

I enjoyed doing it last week.

Yeah, well,

the fucking clone got it wrong the first time, though.

He said something else.

He did it at Milkman.

I replayed it.

Oh, you did?

He got it right.

On the first try?

PCU.lazy-net.de is what he said.

That was the second time, though.

That was the first time.

I digress.

The second time.

Don't make me pull the tapes.

Milkman.

Clone, am I right?

Oh, man.

Milkman, pull the tapes.

They're both right.

See?

Milkman, pull the tapes.

Pull the tapes, Milkman.

Pull the tapes.

And also Carlito.

All right, all right.

Milkman's pulling the tapes.

This guy Chris came in the chat room earlier.

Chris?

And he was still fooled by the 98.6 degrees, the mouth thing.

He thought the mouth was real still?

But everybody told him in the room.

98.6.

The mouth.

He gave us a number to call, too.

He did?

All right, cool.

We got to do that.

You know what's really funny about that whole thing?

What's that?

Is that if you really look for the station 98.6 on the FM dial, it doesn't exist.

It's between channels.

Yeah, exactly.

That's one of the reasons that Tuck and I picked that.

98.5 and 98.7.

You can't get it on 98.6 in America.

You can't get it in North America.

Right.

It's between the channels.

Yep.

That's right.

So, yeah.

That was all part of it, man.

All part of my lovely ruse.

Hey, guys.

How about some prank calls?

That was brilliant, man.

I'm out of beer.

Call Charlie up, man, before he dies, man.

We're going to do some prank calls.

Let's see what Lonesome Loser...

Charlie claims he's going to die.

What?

That guy again?

He's a fuck...

He's a fucktard.

Fucktard.

Yeah, the guy that dunked his phone, man.

And then the baptism.

Yeah, that guy.

Whoa.

Milkman, you're right there.

Milkman just got attacked.

Hey, we got to call Sam.

Dude, we got ten minutes to call Sam.

Fuck it, let's call Sam.

Holy shitballs, we got to call Sam.

I need that number on the quick.

Hurry.

Lonesome loser.

Shit, man, motherfucker.

Fuck you, bitch, motherfucker, man.

Fuck you, bitch, motherfucker.

Hang on, let me try to get that.

There you go, clone.

All right, everybody, we're going to be playing the first few songs we're playing tonight.

Between Calls are going to be from the Borat soundtrack.

Borat in theaters now.

Borat movie, something to make.

Thank you.

Glorious Nation of...

I don't know, whatever.

It's a good movie.

Fucking watch it, man.

Borat's a great movie.

We're going to be playing songs from the soundtrack of that.

Borat rules.

Borat does rule.

And away we go with the first prank call.

We're going to call our good friend Sam,

the donut man from the Dunkin' Donuts in Detroit, Michigan.

He is a very angry man, and his name is Sam.

His last name's Malone.

Sam Malone.

Yeah, from Cheers.

I need that theme song also.

All right, guys.

We'll be right back with the first prank call of the night.

You want to go?

I like it.

This is bad for me.

Suzy.

So I guess...

How do we get from there now?

Bitches.

I think they changed their number, and it's going to fax machine now, or they switched

numbers or something.

I guess they had enough.

Just look up the new number.

Come on, people.

You know what?

That's a mission for DTT, man.

DTT is in Michigan.

again go to oak park and find that duncan donuts and find out more about this guy sam he's an

asshole but don't say fuck you bitch motherfucker yeah he gets mad he gets mad you don't want to

fuck with him man he's angry well the last time we talked he told me he loved me yeah you know

fuck you bitch motherfucker but he said that to you once that's true love dude that is true love

he said fuck you bitch motherfucker a lot of times at least we've said it here a few times

He says it every show.

Borat in the chatroom says,

Play Throw the Jew Down the Well by Borat or I will be execute.

I have that here.

That's on the soundtrack also.

We'll play that later.

Hang on to your pants.

You do that.

He's going to send me a number.

From Chris.

I'm talking to the mic.

Chris Malone.

Okay.

Charlie next.

Is that what you want, Milkman?

He got mad at me last week.

We talked to him, you know.

He might not pick up.

I'll try.

He was mighty pissed off, dude.

Either way.

all right if you say so we'll try him next here comes charlie pat now this guy died this week as

a matter of fact so yeah right you might have to call me with a different tactic but uh he's he's

looking for some symphony right now well wow two weeks ago we called him he's a hypochondriac if

you don't know what that is as a person essentially who makes up illnesses and saying that they're

dying or sick for attention um milkman he said how many surgeries on his heart at this point

clone has aids oh he's had over a dozen surgeries in the last in the last six months man and wow

he's been critical for about three or four years now so

this week he claims he's going to die.

Right.

right dtd's asking the same claim in the last three years dt asked me if he's white no he's uh

he he's muslim man we have actually dtd doesn't know this sam guy that we talked to before at the

dunkin donuts um we actually what did we conference call a muslim guy who was in um in britain once

that we prank called london or something london or something at a 24 hour down here he was a muslim

he was a uh a uh an arabic speaker we conferencing him with a crazy fucker raghead we we constantly

him in with the Donut Man.

Yeah, they were talking about it.

So we need to play that for DTT so he can translate

for us what that was about. We'll get with him.

We'll get with him on that, everybody.

Yeah, anyway, this guy, Hypochondriac,

two weeks ago, I impersonated

that I was a Catholic

priest. Well, a Baptist priest,

I guess, and a Baptist minister

and I said to cure him.

A Baptist priest.

He had to drop his...

I told him to...

I told him that I had

to fill his tub up with water

his bathtub, he did so, I blessed it

it became holy water, and I told him

to drop his cordless phone in there

and he did it, fucked up his cordless phone

and he said he was feeling better

called him last week

that's on the podcast

anyway, called him last week

and he wasn't too happy about it

so let's try calling him again

hang on folks, next prank call of the night is coming right now

yeah

yeah, let's ask

Man, I like your flamenco tonight.

I have got so much.

I like the flamenco.

How are you, my brother?

How are you?

Brother Michael, how are you?

How are you, sir?

Good.

Are you feeling any better, my child?

We were praying for you today.

Yes, we prayed for you very much today and last week as well at Mass.

On my last leg.

Oh, come on now.

We were praying for you.

We got the assurances from Jesus himself that you're going to be fine.

I hope so, but I'm passing out now.

You're passing out?

How are you passing out?

What happened?

Well, I don't know.

The cancer is going up to my brain now.

It's the power of Jesus Christ.

When you're passing out, the Holy Spirit is descending upon you,

healing you from all your ailments.

Do you not believe me, my child?

Yes, I believe in you.

I believe in everything.

Good.

You remember two weeks ago we sanctified the water in your bathtub

and dropped your coldest phone in there?

Yeah, that was a mistake there.

Oh, how is that a mistake, sir?

Do you feel better now, don't you?

Do I feel better?

I felt better for a while until I passed out last night.

I can't function on anything now.

I fall asleep even trying to write a letter.

Oh, Jesus.

I just fall asleep.

Do you have the Bible there with you?

My Bible? No, sir, I do not.

Oh, my God, but that's the problem, my friend.

My Bible is in the next room where I pray at.

In my prayer room.

Well, please, go get your Bible quickly, please.

We need to read a passage that was just given to me.

We just finished the prayer group.

I can't move too fast, so give me a second.

Okay, no problem.

Tell him to spin in a circle.

In my prayer room.

Okay, do you have your Bible there?

Yeah, I got it on my lap.

Okay, excellent.

I need you to flip over to the book of Matthew.

Matthew, okay, give me a second, please.

Oh, thank you.

Where's that?

Oh, thank you.

We want to go to Matthew 2.9.

2.9.

It seems to take so long to get to somewhere you want to get in the Bible, does it not?

Okay, I'm in Matthew.

Matthew 2.9.

She's still in Genesis 1.12.

Go back up there.

Okay, go back to 2.9 for me, my brother.

Yeah.

We're going to read together.

Okay, give me a second, please.

Okay.

Okay, 2.

Verse 9.

Yes, sir.

Read it out to me, please, my brother.

Okay.

When they had heard that...

Wait a minute.

I've got to turn my machine off.

Okay.

Uh-oh.

Wait a minute.

Give me a second.

I can't do it myself.

Okay. Okay. When they have heard that the king they departed, and lo, the star which they saw in the east went before them, till it came and stood over where the young child was.

was. When they saw the star, they rejoiced with excitement, a great joy. And when they

were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary, his mother, and worshiping

him. What does that tell you, my brother? What do you think? What does that tell you

about your ailment

that tells me

that

when

Jesus was born

that

you didn't

that you didn't

have to

tell anybody

he was born

they knew

that's right

by that star

it was just

the guiding light

to him

and

it

brought

peace

and everything

yes

that's

it tells you

that you know

anything is possible

do me a favor

my child

Kyle, do you think you could see that star in the night tonight if you were to go outside?

Yes.

Let's go outside.

Do you have your phone?

Can you take your phone with you?

I'm way up on 34th, sir.

I can't walk.

Can you open a window?

No.

I can't get to my window.

My bed is by...

I've got limitations of what I can do.

But I can take my chair out.

Okay, please do.

My time is of the essence.

I'm going to take my phone with me.

Now we might cut out a little bit

That's fine

I'm going to pray here while you do that

You let me know the minute you get outside

Or when you're ready

In the name of Jesus Christ

We ask you Jesus Christ

To please descend your hands upon Mr. Charlie Patton here

And all your brief gracelessness

Of your stars and your beauty

Come down and descend upon his cancer

And make it come out of him out of his arse

Like it were a wild softball being pitched

From the very hands of Mr. Jose Canseco himself

Although he was not a pitcher

Who was a great pitcher?

My deacon.

Deacon William.

Who was a good pitcher?

Who was that guy from Texas?

Oh, my God.

I forgot his name.

Nolan Ryan.

That's the one.

Yes.

Nolan Ryan.

Saint Isaac Nolan Ryan.

Saint Francis of Assisi descends upon you, sir.

The power of Christ compels you.

Brother Patton, are you there?

Yeah.

Oh, Jesus.

We're losing you.

Oh, my God.

Get the defibrillator paddles.

Keep walking, brother.

Keep walking.

Are you there?

Yes, I hear you.

Do you see the light?

okay taking too long brother Patton brother Patton come back please this is taking too long

i'm going to let brother Patton go oh jesus that's it he's gonna

first chance i'm walking brother Patton in three two one i think he's setting up

you hear me yes my brother thank god we're about to give up on you okay i am outside

Outside.

Do you see the light?

Okay.

Cloudy.

Do you see a light anywhere?

Is there a light outside at all that you can see?

Yeah.

Walk into the light.

Walk to the light.

Give yourself up to Jesus.

The time is nigh.

Yeah.

In the name of Jesus, I ask us to take Brother Patton into your beautiful arms.

Brother Patton, do you want to be healed?

Yes.

I need you to say it as loud as you can.

Say, take me home, Jesus.

Say it.

I can't hear you.

I need you to say it.

Take me home, Jesus.

Yeah, take me home, Jesus.

Say it louder.

Take me home, Jesus.

Louder, louder than that, as loud as you can manage.

I can't say it too loud.

Of course you can.

Do you want to be saved or not?

Scream it.

Can I say it loud or not?

Of course.

Say it as loud as you can.

Take me home, Jesus.

This means here's a whisper.

He cannot.

You must say it loud for the whole world to hear.

Take me home, Jesus.

You're cutting out.

Pull down your pants and say, take me home, Jesus.

No, I'm not going to do all that.

Now that's, you're talking too much there.

Pull down your pants, bend over and say, take me, baby, Jesus.

In the true catholic tradition

In the true catholic way

Take me home Jesus

Is that believable at all?

That voice?

I don't know

Oh it's very good

Oh good thank you

I don't know it could be a wee bit better

Father McDougan everybody

It's hard to make fun of a guy who's got cancer

He's had cancer for like 50 years dude

dude. Come on. My cigar went out.

God damn it. Madman.

You sound more Protestant

than Catholic. You know how you light a cigar.

You don't put the flame to it.

You hold the flame close to the cigar and you inhale.

Toast it. You toast it.

Once it's charred, then you take a puff.

There you go, Madman.

You know what? He's got something else.

Madman made

his own cigar tonight. Oh, man.

Mad Lake is killing me. Son of a bitch.

Well, here we are, everybody.

The next call's coming up. Let's take a look at the comments

about that yeah we gotta call that dude yeah we gotta call that dude we gotta call him as soon as

possible uh number that we got in here j pilot says that that that voice i'm making is a multiple

uh linguist one it's a scottish pakistani and irish i don't know i dude i i try what i can

it's pretty funny um chris is carlito i've updated beer and all in your pm what is beer

what is this what do you what do you guys send to me what's oh talk up man who's beer beer and all

is too...

Okay, drive-thru.

I don't know who's got beer.

A drive-thru beer place

with skanky girls as servers.

No kidding.

You can drive-thru

and get your beer?

Huh.

That's beautiful, man.

It's a beautiful world.

Sounds like every place in Texas.

Yeah, not here anymore.

They got rid of those here, man.

And every place in Australia,

I found.

Wait till you go over there.

They had one.

You know the town I grew up in?

There was a place.

It was a drive-in liquor store.

You drive in to like a bay.

It was like almost like a...

Like a car wash.

Yeah, like a barn.

You'd walk in

and they had the bottles up

and you get what you want.

They got coolers on both sides of the barn.

Exactly.

On the garage.

It was great.

My uncle used to drive me through

all the time.

It was fucking awesome.

You drive through,

you get your beer,

you crack one open,

you drive home.

Yeah, drive it home.

And then the cops,

they took it down.

What cops?

Oh, yeah, here in New Jersey.

Yeah, it was a small town

that had nothing else to do.

Then these people opened up

this small casino.

Okay, casino gambling

is not legal in Florida

at all unless you're

in an Indian reservation, okay?

They just legalized slot machines

in some little county.

Bullshit.

You know, Florida would be the shit right now if you had slot machines and shit.

Anyway.

What can you do?

So, here's what this company did.

You got to do riverboat gambling.

Riverboat?

You got to go out past the coast, didn't you?

You can't do riverboat.

You can do out in the ocean.

You got to go out like 10 miles off the coast.

And it sucks because all you can do is slot.

Yeah, right here at Crystal River we had one of those.

Yeah, it's bullshit.

It's like nickel slots and poker.

That's all you can do.

I mean, you know what?

I'm going to do some blackjack.

You know what I mean?

That's gambling right there.

Sit down.

Motherfucking blackjack is the fucking shit, man.

I hate roulette.

Have you heard the latest news?

The latest news?

Give us the latest news, dude.

They are trying to push the legislation in now.

All the places that were hit during the hurricane that were once considered a wetland

are now going to be released to development for casinos.

The new Las Vegas in the east will now be all along the coast.

The Gulf Coast once was underwater, well, now I'll be gambling casinos and no longer poor people.

So Biloxi, Mississippi is going to be the next Vegas?

Is that what you think?

Well, no, you can't probably get into the whole thing.

Yeah, man, they've got legislation already going for that, man.

They're trying to screw these people out of their homes.

And get casinos up in there.

Mosquitoes will be homeless.

And on another note, rich people are building a group of islands called The World and The Palms.

In Dubai.

It's not rich people.

No, it's the Saudi Arabian developers, man.

They're building all those artificial islands, but there's a lot.

That's it.

And they're bloody rich.

They're bloody rich.

Dubai is so fucking rich.

You know how many celebrities have already bought up all those things and not even built for a few more years?

I know Michael Jackson did.

Yeah.

Well, you know the thing in Dubai?

They realize that their oil reserves are running out.

They put all their money into development and stuff like that.

They're going to be the next, like, as soon as...

Dude, they are the gold kings.

You go over there, man, and do work.

they have shops they have like arm guards around them man and you go in and you pick out how many

foot of gold that you want yeah we're talking like 21 by the way yeah man they just roll it

right off off the roll off the roll yeah let me tell you something dude uh athena was she took a

class called politics in the middle east and uh the guy was talking about dubai like i think he

was saudi arabian or something no he was iranian but anyway he told the story that saudi arabians

driving to Dubai

because in Dubai

number one

prostitution is legal

number two

alcohol is legal

and Saudi Arabia

is pretty much

going to Dubai

to get drunk

and have prostitutes

and go to casinos

and live life and shit

and they drive back

into Saudi Arabia

to live in their

fucking

sounds like the ultimate

like fun

yeah

and Athena

Athena told me that

her teacher

who was in Iran

and he said that

like on the bridge

that connects like

Dubai to Saudi Arabia

Saudi Arabia, essentially, if you were to imagine the Mexican border with the United

States, that little stretch right there is littered with alcohol bottles, like bottles

of vodka, bottles of beer, as they throw out the bottles, you know, trying to get the last

of their drink on, you know, and stuff like that, right before they enter Saudi Arabia

where you can't drink at all because it's a Muslim country, which is bullshit, you know?

Our soldiers...

Praise Allah.

Yeah, wow, what fun is that, dude?

Praise Allah.

I'd probably be...

that's that's jewish

anyway we need to move on with the show yes yes let's call more numbers everybody more numbers

more numbers moving on on aol instant messenger parkers is asking me if our radio show is on

right now yes sir indeed it is our radio show is on now madhouse radio is on live and there it is

The Madhouse.

Indeed.

Take this, man.

98.6 the mouth.

That's right.

And the next prank call is coming up.

Who are we calling?

I don't know.

But we're going to do it.

Give me a second here.

You're going to call the beer shop or you're going to call Cheese Dog?

We got to call Cheese Boy for Jonathan.

I promised him that at the beginning of the show.

You know what I mean?

I got to keep my promises here.

I got to do better at that.

You know what I mean?

Oh, Cheese Dog.

I break a lot of promises.

Yeah, true.

The toll-free line is open if you want to call in.

Absolutely free.

888-278-8509.

There it is.

People like you, DTT.

People like EarthDog.

Oh, holy shit.

Like the fucking Jesus is calling us.

Holy Christ.

Oh, it's him right here.

Jesus Christ.

Let's see who this is.

I think this is my boy, DTT.

Madhouse Radio, are you on the air?

Go ahead.

DTT.

DTT, what's up?

For the man from the other land.

How you doing, man?

You're talking about Dubai.

Dubai is a very nice area.

What am I talking about, Dubai?

Yeah.

Yeah, what's up with that?

What's up with Dubai?

It's a very nice area.

It is a nice area.

It's rich.

They're building the world's tallest building there, man.

It's a nice area that one day will be swept away by a wave and all underwater.

Yeah, well.

Shut up.

Shut up, man.

Look at the river.

You know it's only 10 feet off the water?

Is it?

No, no, no.

Hold on, hold on.

All right, what's up, DTD?

Go ahead, man.

Preach.

Okay, okay.

Okay, Dubai's going to help build Lebanon. Watch.

Dubai's going to help build Lebanon?

Yeah.

Dubai's going to plant nukes in the ocean.

You're Lebanese, right, brother?

Yeah, why are you against Dubai, buddy?

We're not against Dubai. DTT, chill out, man. We like Dubai. Dubai's a nice country.

Can I tell you something? Dubai is going to export.

It's Lebanon we hate.

The United States didn't help their things.

Okay, wait a minute now.

We didn't say anything bad about Dubai.

Okay, we didn't talk bad about Dubai.

I like Dubai.

I think it's a nice place.

I'd like to visit there.

I wish I could live there.

Shit.

Yeah.

For like only a couple months out of the year.

It's a nice country.

There's a lot of freedom there.

It's a very progressive Muslim, very progressive Arabic Muslim country, my friend.

You know, don't hate.

We love Dubai.

They have fantastic belly dancers, too.

Yeah.

What's wrong?

You sound upset.

Did I upset you?

Did I say something?

What did I say?

No, no.

DTT, madhouse love, always.

Yeah.

You know we love you, DTT.

We don't want to hurt you, man.

What's the matter?

Hey.

No, no.

I got to go.

go. Tariq? Yeah. He's gotta go. Yeah. Alright. Alright, man. It's all good. Okay, can I

tell you something? Yeah, go ahead. I want to tell you off the air. Okay, off the air?

Yeah, after. I can put you off the air right now if you want. Okay. Okay, hang on, let

me play some music here. DTT is obviously upset. Hang on, everybody, let's do some private

time for DTT. I don't do this for anybody else except for him and Dr. Lego. Hang on.

Hang on, folks. Hang on, DTT, I'll let you know when.

All right, go ahead.

Is that guy still coming on?

What?

Is that stalker still coming on?

Who?

That stalker in that chat room?

I don't know, Madman.

Is he still coming on?

Madman runs the chat room.

He's here next to me.

You tell me.

I haven't seen him.

Yeah, Madman knows.

He owns the chat room.

You know who Madman is, right?

Yeah.

Okay, he's right here next to me in studio, and he says no.

And DDT, you know I got your back, man.

Yeah, we got your back, man.

We love you, man.

We miss you so much, you know.

What about Madman?

What's up?

Did he come around and he's talking to people?

He talked to me

And I abandoned him

Yep

What's his name?

I can't remember

It was a long ass time ago

Was it Cap

D-A-P

I think it was something like that

That was his username

Yeah I think

Cap right?

Yeah

Cause he did something

Very nice

Tell us

He did

He did some

Pedophile

Pedophile and all that

What'd he do man?

Pedophile what?

Yeah he called me a pedophile

Oh but you're not

We know you're not

You're not Prackmaster man

You sure it wasn't Prackmaster?

I'm afraid it is

You think so?

He hasn't been around

So long right dude?

He's not gonna do anything to you

Yeah he's like

Man we got you

DTT, do you have a knife or anything?

Huh?

Do you have a knife, pepper spray, anything like that?

Don't scare him, man.

Just carry that shit with you, man, and you'll be fine.

Learn how to defend yourself.

He sent you something in the mail, right?

Yeah.

That's what it was.

We talked about it here.

Like, around, I think, March, someone asked me, where's DTT?

And I said, what happened?

And people said, that's fucked up, and we got you back.

We thought you were gone for sure, man.

We missed you.

We were like, man, where's DTT?

And, you know, he's one of the biggest, you know, biggest voices here.

And you were gone.

Your mom got mad, too.

Your mom got mad at me.

Yeah, she thought it was you.

No, it wasn't me, man.

You know it wasn't me.

No.

You know, you call me like one of my lowest moments in my most recent two or three years

I was having one of my lowest moments.

I lost my job and my girlfriend left me for like six months because she had to, you know,

she had to do some internship in D.C.

You call me like one of my lowest moments.

I was feeling sad.

I was here all bummed out.

And you called me out of nowhere and I was happy to talk to you.

I felt so good.

Okay.

You remember that, right?

Yeah.

And I tried calling you back.

Huh?

Bye-bye.

That's it?

Yeah.

What's the matter?

No, no, no.

I'm okay, man.

I'm okay.

You sure you're okay?

You're going to keep listening?

I mean, you're not leaving, are you?

Yeah, but I'm afraid that guy will come and ask me again.

Well, he's not going to do shit, man.

He does anything.

We got his ass, man.

Look in the chat room, man.

Gingrich had it back, too.

He traveled a lot.

I told KDK about it.

I told everybody.

I told all the important people.

They've been watching for him.

He never came back after that.

We took care of him.

KDK said, you know, don't let him come back in.

You know what?

Honestly, we never saw him again after that, dude.

We took care of him.

We took him out.

He's gone.

He got in trouble.

If he comes back, let me know he's gone again.

If he comes back, he's going to get charges.

All right, man.

Keep listening.

Don't be afraid, man.

His IP's logged, man.

Fuck it, man.

All right, man.

We'll talk later, okay?

We've got to get back to the show, brother.

All right.

There we go.

Jesus, man.

DTT's really paranoid, but he's one of our most valuable listeners because of the fact

that he's so calm and collected.

Hey, man, man, man.

I'm sorry I bogarted that, man.

I smoked the shit out of that.

Oh, it's all good.

It's my fault.

I owe you five bucks.

He's like one of the first listeners, man.

He is, man.

He's been there since the show first started.

He's an OG.

You know he is the one that coined the famous term, B-Tune.

Yep.

Fucking B-Tune has a shirt that says B-Tune.

You know, he doesn't even know that.

I meant to tell him, DTT, if you're out there listening, that day you said...

Your fame is wrong.

DTT, while you were gone, there was a shirt made after the thing you said that one time,

B-Tune, a shirt was made that you can buy if you want with your saying.

It was in the topic for like ever

Until like two weeks ago right

Wasn't it always in the topic

Be tuned

Yeah we finally took it out

KDK

Yeah man I'm serious

DTT you're reporting us man

Don't go again man

We want you to stay here

I got my ass reamed out by KDK

For leaving that in the topic for so long

That was an interesting listen

Oh yeah

We got you back DTT

DT. It's all good, man. Don't worry.

It's all good, baby. It's all good, baby.

Anyway. I thought I was paranoid, though.

Shit. Yeah, man. So, um,

Prankers is a

Parkers is... Don't forget about the 420

chat room. That's right. That's the secret

chat room. Yeah, DTT, go in the 420 chat room.

We got you back in there. But, uh, anyway,

um, and, uh, on

AOL Instant Messenger, Parkers is

asking, can I put a request for a prank call

at the website? Yes, you can. It is an

automated prank call request. If you don't want to

go through the trouble, if you're listening

to me you don't have aol instant messenger if you're at work if you can't send me a message

in the chat room or an aol for some reason go to the web go to the website madhouse live.com

click on request a prank it comes directly to my desktop i know when you send it in it's got

it all filled out there and we'll do your prank call live on the air for you no charge unlike the

competition out there we do not charge for that service and i would like to thank all 63 listeners

listeners who are listening right now on the Madhouse

Radio Network. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you very much, everybody who's listening.

And anyway, Parkers is asking if we're talking

about weapons. No. No, sir,

we're not talking about weapons, my friend.

I don't know what you're talking about, dude, but we're

definitely not talking about weapons.

Holy shitballs, you're way off of it.

Anyway, the next prank call

of the night. Any requests, you guys? Anybody

you want me to try to call?

Call the beer joint, man. See if any of them

hot mamas there will deliver to your car.

You got it, man. We've been stalling for too long.

We had to deal with some DTT drama.

But we'll do that next.

The next prank call of the night.

You had to welcome her, bro.

That's right.

We had to.

Open hands.

Milkman, we got to thank you for fixing your satellite, too, and all that electrical problems.

Oh, yeah.

You're sounding great tonight.

Hang on, everybody.

The next call of the night is coming up right now.

On Blast Bird.

Yeah, sugar, nuts, and bong.

It's Paul

Cheese Boy next.

Hello.

Yeah, is Chris there?

Yeah.

I have the wrong beer and all.

Is this beer and all, though?

Oh, yeah.

Which location are you looking for?

No, I'm looking for your location over in front of the college, right?

San Ann?

Yeah, exactly.

What time are you open until?

We're open until midnight.

We got time still?

Huh?

You got time still?

We have about 40 minutes.

We need a 12-pack.

Yeah, we got some...

Fuck, we need some kegs, man.

What kind of kegs you got?

Kegs?

Yeah.

Right now, I think we just have Bud Light.

That's it, Bud Light?

That's good.

Yeah, can you put that in the car for us?

That'll give you the shits.

All right, how much ice you got there, too?

You got ice?

Yeah, we have plenty of ice.

What about a tap?

How much are you going to charge for the tap?

There's a $60 cash deposit or a $100 credit deposit.

That's going to be our total.

Come on, man.

You get it back when you bring us everything.

Just $6?

Huh?

What, $6 for the tap?

No, $60.

$60?

Yeah, it's like an insurance.

Man, what about the cake?

What's my deposit?

I want a, I want a keg. You got a pony keg or a regular keg?

Uh, regular.

You got regular kegs of Bud Light?

Yeah.

That's all you got? You don't have nothing nicer than that? You ain't got no Rolling Rock or something?

Uh, can you hold on one, one second?

Yeah, whatever.

I can, I can go check.

Yeah, whatever. Alright.

Hello?

Yeah.

Can I go check real quick?

Yeah, I said yeah, go.

Okay, hold on.

Jesus. Fucking guy.

Oh, you take too fucking long.

What is our today's German?

I got a special and a bag of pretzels tonight.

It's beautiful and wonderful.

I take your look with me.

You, you call it?

Parker says sent in a number

Slept with a girl's husband

That's the guy that was on the famous gangbang call

I guess

Parker yeah you're right

I thought that was the guy that was stalking DTT

This one's from Parker

No one knows what we're talking about

But it's great

Parker says I sent a request

I actually slept with this girl's husband

And I wanted to prank her

Can you please call her?

Her number is blah.

Still there?

Yeah, we're here, man.

All we got is Bud Light and Bud Weiser.

What do you recommend?

Bud Light, right?

Yeah, I like Bud Light.

Bud Light?

All right, man.

So how many you got?

Just one?

We have a few.

You going to charge me two deposits for two taps and shit?

Hold on.

Let me go ask real quick.

All right, man.

Jesus.

Dude, does he know anything?

I mean, he's a fucking dumbass.

It must be new.

I'm going to go look.

Let me ask.

Hang on.

I love these rolled gold pretzels man

Yo take cash

Yo let me find out

If we take cash or not

Pretzels are making me thirsty

I got two deposits man

Come on man

If I leave you

Come on man just split it up man

Seriously

So what I gotta switch back from one to

Back forth from one to

We just come back

We'll come back and pick up the other cake later

Yeah, well, how about this?

How much if we break the keg?

How much can I what?

How much if I break the keg?

How much are you going to turn me or break the fucking keg?

Then we keep the cash.

Because I'm going to go there and I'm going to break the keg.

What was that?

I'm going to throw the keg at you and break it.

We're going to do some flying kegs, Dan.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Hey, go find something else out for me.

How much is a keg of Bud Light?

Keg?

Please.

Liptack 94830.

Yeah?

Yeah.

That's pretty expensive.

All right, look, we're going over this.

this. You know, you're not a good businessman, and I make $82,000 a year, and I drive a Dodge

Stealth. What do you drive? Huh? What do you drive? I'm not telling you, man. Oh, come

on, man. I drive a Dodge Stealth. You know what I drive? I'll give you my social security

number. You know my social security number? No, man. It's 592-82-1234. 1234? Yeah. All

right, man. Come on, man. Are you going to come get this or what? Yeah, I'm going to

I got to go.

You got spaces down there?

Sir?

Hey, how much are your spaces?

I got to go.

Oh, my Mustang.

He was a damn minute, man.

Yeah.

Damn, man.

Damn, damn, damn.

Slow down.

Our computer is slow, says Parker's.

Is Parker's a woman or a man?

Because Parker slept with another man.

Anyway, slept with a girl's husband and wants us to prank her.

Accidentally typed it wrong.

The request on the side, but that current number, Rachel Girl, is really fat.

So, if you want to mess with her, call her fat.

She'll talk back.

trust me laughing their ass off slow down our computer is slow okay what do you say brother

i really hope you're down silly i really hope you're a chick dude i really are we skipping

is this is this stream skipping a lot or something i don't understand what's going on

i don't hear it i don't have we can't hear it we're live motherfuckers so we don't know

anyway probably on dial yeah probably so let me send them a link real quick anyway we're

gonna do the next prank call we're gonna call cheese boy everybody this is for jonathan

cheese cheese boy what can we play here we got we got another borat song

this is the last borat song of the night after this we're gonna go back to regular music

well goddamn i need another beer yeah me too give me something wow me surprise me

man man

The problem

Oh, you know

We got some girls that are going to suck on your teeth

Cheese Boy, come here and suck my teeth, baby

Come on, man

Call me back, man

Come on, Cheese Boy, we got some girls that are going to suck on your teeth

Yeah, we're going to suck the teeth out of my nads

We want to talk about sucking cheese and

They got a lot of cheese

Cheese

Call us back, Cheese Boy

Cheese Boy, we got stuff to talk about

888-278-8509

Call me back, Cheese Boy.

One love.

That is Cheese Boy, everybody.

Cheese.

What's the problem?

Cheese the Boy Johnson.

And we got a problem, guys.

We're almost out of phone card juice.

What?

I've got about seven cents left on the phone card.

That is a problem.

I'm going to have to get out my new phone card.

Somebody donate Carlito a phone card.

Mad Man's calling me.

What's that?

That's fine.

Do we have...

Look, man, do you have a phone card?

Yes, I do.

I'm getting it right now.

Awesome.

Awesome timing, dude.

Thank you.

Get off.

Anyway.

Man, all this talk about cheese makes me hungry.

That's the set.

Too late.

Jesus, God.

Madman doesn't know how to use his cell phone.

Jesus.

I'm on beer number four, folks.

Anyway, we're going to call the next prank call.

We're going to call Lonesome Loser Numbers, man.

He's been confirming.

You drunk?

Yes, I am.

Let's see here.

We have Junker Tunes.

We got Weird Wallys.

We got Weird Wild Stuff.

Yes, Recession Airlock Open.

Kink Nightclub.

Let's try that.

Ooh, T-Shirt Orgy Bear Basics.

There we go.

We're going to try that.

In the meantime, I'll play the Crazy Fucker rap song first.

That's something.

We'll be right back with the next prank call of the night.

I hate to tell you, dude.

When a blowfish feels, it's a little pathetic fucking bitch.

But when it feels threatened, it blows.

These goddamn, hey, these motherfuckers that are in gangs and shit.

They're like the little blowfish

I'd like to share a song

I wrote with you

If you like rap

Then you ought to sit on my lap

I get ready to take a crap

Cause every time I sit on the crap

I just shit me a rim

To the Madhouse on PCU Radio

That's a good point

What's Crazy Fucker going to say about the elections?

I'll be looking forward to that

Yeah

talking to the phone

we're on phone time

man man's drunk

I'm not drunk

I don't use a cell phone

to god damn it

it's the green button

how do you not know

how to use a cell phone

this day and age

man man lives

without a cell phone

lives without a car

you have a whole fleet

don't you

I've got a fleet of cars

he's got a fleet of cars

man I wish I had

a fleet of cars

excuse me

anyway

1238

what's a good movie

to download

Use my coconut phone, Carlito.

A good movie to download.

I've downloaded recently.

I downloaded, um, what's the fucking World War II movie?

Flags of Our Fathers.

I saw half of it.

Flags of Our Fathers.

Looks okay.

Saw half of it.

It's alright so far.

I'll watch the rest tomorrow.

Perhaps tomorrow night or something like that.

I'll have to check that out.

Check it out, man.

Have you seen it yet?

I haven't seen it.

Yeah.

No.

Alright, we'll see it, bitch.

See it.

Hurry up.

See it.

What are you waiting for?

The darkness falls away from Jesus.

I might.

Fucking pussy.

All right, well, don't do that.

All right, hang on, folks.

Another prank call is coming up right now.

Where do you play this?

Okay, who are we going to call next here?

Let's see what's going on in the chat room.

Colts.

Colts has sent in a number.

Hey, check in the one with the losing numbers.

Check in the...

Oh, you know what?

We need to call this Rachel chick who...

And I have confirmed it is a woman who's messaging me

who slept with her husband,

caught them in bed together,

and beat her up she is much bigger than her 150 pounds bigger so there it is we'll do it now

holy shit hang on for the next prank call of the night everybody in just one moment

maxi brute play this oh yeah that's better more like it

Well, we tried.

I didn't know Rachel had words.

I think we're being set up.

I just rolled over on my little skinny toothpick of a husband.

Can't answer the phone right now because I got a pot of chili to eat.

Yeah.

What he said, everybody.

What Milkman said in his drunken stupor is the truth.

Yeah, man.

Hell yeah.

Why don't you drink?

I only smoke.

No one died from smoking.

Ain't that right, Milkman?

No, Madman.

Milkman.

Madman, Milkman.

Whatever.

Milkman used to smoke.

I want to hear from you, Milkman.

We know you're on your way.

Come on, man.

Milkman smoked back in the 60s when it was cool to smoke.

I had to retire.

Yeah, well, you got to do what you got to do.

When I first started, man, I could get a sack, man.

A whole ass house.

You couldn't even fold the top over for $5, $15, man.

Oh, good times.

That's the way it was, man.

Yeah, that's the way it was before they screwed it up.

But, hey, the Democrats are back in power, so pretty soon.

Dude, a nickel was two fingers.

Two fingers of weed.

Big, long buds, man.

You took five people's lunch money, put it together, man,

and rolled it all up in one big old bullet paper roll, man.

I could do that size, man.

Roll up the woods real tight.

Crank up the ACDC.

Oh, yeah.

Well, there it is.

Well, on that note, why don't you give us an ACDC song you want us to play

at a good time.

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap.

We're back in the day when Milkman used to smoke.

Here we go.

Coming at you on 98.6 The Mouth

The Mouth, The Mouth, The Mouth

The Mouth

98.6 The Mouth

You're listening to 98.6 The Mouth

Alright, here comes the next prank call

We're calling Giovanni's Tomato Pie Restaurant

In Hawaii, motherfuckers

741 right now, PM in Hawaii

Hey man, is this the pie restaurant?

Is this the tomato pie restaurant?

Yes

How long time you guys open until?

You guys just eating still and stuff?

I hope it's on 9.30.

I'm actually not sure what time it is.

Hold on one moment.

98.6

No.

Hello, are you still there?

It's about 7.48.

Yeah, absolutely.

So what's a tomato pie? Explain it to me, man.

And I heard about your tomato pie.

It was on Food Network.

It's just pizza here.

That's a tomato pie?

That's what it is?

Yes.

Well, how about we take some tomato paste and tomato sauce and tomatoes,

and we'll make a pie out of it?

Can you hold on one second?

Who are you going to get?

Oh, talking to me.

She just left.

She didn't even ask me for permission.

She just left.

Next, ask her about some meat pie.

Yeah, let's talk about some hair pie.

I'm going to ask her a dirty question when she comes back and watch.

You guys ready for this?

I'm going to be perverted.

I don't know how to help you, sir.

Hey, man, what's up?

What's up?

This is Tomato Pie.

I'm sorry?

Can I talk to the girl again?

The girl, she's busy right now.

She went to the floor.

Well, I wanted to ask her about her pie.

About what?

Her pie, her pie.

About her pie?

Yeah, ask her about her pie real quick.

What do you want to know about her pie?

What does it taste like?

A pie, it's a thin crust.

Oh, yeah?

It's three sides.

You have 9-inch, 12-inch, and 16-inch.

No, I like the 9-inch as small as possible, but that's kind of big, though.

How about a 15-gauge?

For how many people?

Just me.

Just by myself.

Just for yourself?

My buddy might join in, too, you know?

What do you recommend?

What size pie do you think that we should get from her?

From her?

Yeah.

At the same time.

Are you talking around?

No, I'm serious.

What size pie do you recommend for two people?

Okay, 12 inches.

12 inches?

Yeah.

All right, I'm about three.

And how big are you about around?

Nah, go to 15, man.

Nine inches?

We want to know what kind of pie is next.

Yeah, and what kind of pies you got?

Jesus, man.

Fuck Hawaii.

Fuckin' Morris.

Hey, you didn't ask for pineapple on your pie show.

What is to the heart of your church, lads?

It'd be nice if I...

Fuck!

Whoa.

It'd be nice if I took myself off on mute.

Anyway, that's her pie.

It's only a quarter till eight there.

Call back another establishment.

We're gonna call one place and then we'll call them back.

Anyway, from Lonesome Loser, more numbers coming in.

It's 8.45 p.m. in Anchorage right now.

We get the Chumash Casino in California.

We're going to call that next.

Hang on, folks.

It's 1245 in Indianapolis.

Son of a bitch.

It's 345 in Guam.

And what's the temperature like over there where you're at?

Right now, we've got about a steady 83, 84.

Yeah.

You know, here at Madhouse Radio, it's...

I remember the first time I called into your show, we called a casino.

Did we really?

Good times.

When are you going to do a prank call with us again, man?

When are you going to call in and grace us with your presence?

Moment.

It's possible tonight.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Anyway, we'll call a casino first.

You know, we made a lady cry last week.

Was it last week or two weeks ago?

It's all in good fun.

Yeah, we made a British woman cry last week.

Yeah, I said the rest of that show, by the way, man.

I said the whole thing, Milkman.

Man, that transfer stalled.

It's on the podcast.

No, the transfer stalled twice.

Go get it on the website.

It's on the website already, dude.

Anyway.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Wait, baby, Jesus.

Jade, baby.

Sassy mo' lassie.

Okay, here comes the casino.

Hang on, you bastards.

What's going on, Maria?

How you doing?

You guys got a cover charge over there?

Like, it's going to cost you money to get inside the casino?

You got free drinks?

What?

So I can't get anything?

What about coffee or nothing like that?

You can get coffee, but no alcohol.

Oh, man.

What if I bring in, like, some, you know, I'll put something in the coffee.

Is that all right?

Nope.

All right, I'll scratch that.

How big are your spaces?

Yeah, how big are your spaces down there?

What do you mean, spaces?

Your spaces, your spaces. You got spaces down there?

Your areas.

I don't understand what you mean by spaces.

Your spaces, your areas.

Yeah, your areas.

Circumferences.

Yeah.

Oh, I don't know what it is.

Well, what it is?

When I sit down, there's a space. When I sit down, how big is the space? The area.

Well, what are you talking about? Are you talking about the slot machines?

Are you talking about the card rooms?

Whatever you want.

The whole space.

Okay, we have 2000 slot machines, we have 56 blackjack tables, a full-size poker room, a hotel, three restaurants, and a bingo hall and a concert hall.

And not a drop of alcohol in the whole thing?

Only up in our fine dining, and you have to either buy dinner or appetizers.

So what, can I get some beer now, and you know, all that stuff?

You can't bring it down on the floor.

But I'm asking, yeah, but can I get drunk and then come down and waste all my money on you guys? It's what you guys want.

It's up to you.

Can we bring $100 and get now chips?

I don't understand what that is.

You don't know what a now chip is?

Chips now.

Now.

With $100.

How many chips you get with $100?

Chips now.

Yeah.

How many chips for $100?

What are you talking about?

Are you talking about the card room?

Yeah, yeah, the card room.

Whatever you say.

I don't have any idea.

Is the card manager there?

Let me give you the card room.

Hold on.

Okay.

Peace.

I just sent you Debra Mansfield's number, Carlito.

Thanks, baby.

I love you.

Bye, Benny.

Hey, man, are you the card manager?

Who?

Are you the card manager?

Uh, hold on.

You got a card manager?

Have Clone do a wake-up call.

We will.

Excuse me.

Hey, anybody can take over.

Hold on, we're going to transfer you to the daughter section.

Who is this?

Uh, Bonnie?

Are you...

You're Bonnie?

Yeah.

That's a girl's name.

Yep.

Where's the card manager at?

He's the card manager.

Okay, put him on.

Hurry up.

Yeah, hold on.

Hurry up, card manager.

Oh,

we have Blue Mountain Arts for Hallmark.

Section 6, this is Bonnie.

Section 6, Bonnie, what's going on, sir?

Not a lot.

Is this some...

What's the joke?

What's the big idea?

Why do I call in every time I hear people start laughing at me all the time?

I'm not sure.

Who are you calling?

Well, I have to talk to the card manager, the guy in charge of the cards.

The cards?

Yes, the cards.

You do use cards there, don't you?

Yeah.

Okay, well, I need to speak to the man in charge of the cards.

Okay.

One second.

Fucking run around, man.

I hate my voice.

Great.

Who the fuck was that?

Can I help you?

Hey, what's up?

This is the card manager.

What is going on with all the transfers here, woman?

You know what?

You ever hear the story of the buck stops here?

Oh, no.

I just, I said, hold on a second.

I had to turn you up.

You were barely, I could hardly hear you.

No.

Okay, now how can I help you?

You were going to transfer me over to some other guy.

No, I wasn't.

Some other yes man.

No, I certainly wasn't.

How can I help you?

I need to talk to the person in charge of the cards.

In charge of the cards?

Yes, the cards and the spaces.

The cards and the spaces.

Yes, why are you talking slower?

Just because I'm Hispanic doesn't mean you need to talk slow for me to understand you.

Oh, sir, I couldn't, I could not tell what, I don't know what you're asking about.

Cards, which cards?

The cards that we play with?

Yes.

The cards that you play with?

What are the cards?

The Hallmark cards?

What do you think?

No, it would be the cards that you show as being a member of our players club.

Those cards.

Oh, because I'm Hispanic, I'm a player.

Excuse me?

Because I'm Hispanic, I'm a player.

Who am I talking to?

My name is Jack Valenti.

Jack Valenti.

Yes.

Okay, Jack, how can I help you?

Well, I'm not too happy by the fact that your cards are filthy,

and I need to speak to the person who is in charge of your cards.

Well, how hard is that to understand?

I've talked to 18 people.

That our cards are filthy?

Yes.

Were you playing here tonight?

I was playing there yesterday, and I got strep throat, and it's from the cards.

The doctor told me it came from the car.

Okay.

I would have to say that probably everything that you touch right now, you could get the flu from.

No.

Or you could get strep throat from.

I mean, if you went to a grocery store.

Hey, Sugar Tits, shut up.

Did I say it was the flu or did I say it was strep throat?

Sir, what did you call me?

I said ma'am.

No, that wasn't what you said.

No, I don't talk dirty.

Just because I'm Hispanic doesn't mean I talk like that.

You've got a problem with that.

I'm getting the flu too.

I don't have a problem with the flu.

I have a problem with the strep throat.

Okay, but even at that, I'm saying you can pick up germs everywhere.

I don't know why your doctor would tell you that you got strep throat from our show.

Shut up, Shaggy Tits.

You know during the flu season, you've got to wash your hands more often.

Again, it's not the flu.

It's strep throat.

I had that swore.

I was picking my ass.

It's not strep throat season.

And it's not strep throat season.

Strep throat season is in June.

Look, my doctor didn't go to doctor school for eight doctor years to be told whether or not he's right.

He said I got it from the cards.

So you put me through to the cards.

You got it from the cards.

Put me through to a manager.

You understand that word manager starts with man?

You know why?

Because it's not a woman.

Now put me through to a man.

I don't need to talk to you woman.

Oh, I'm sorry, but I am a manager.

Stupid woman.

I am not male, but I am a manager.

You know what?

As a woman, you know what?

You owe me a rib.

You owe me a goddamn rib.

Now put me through to a man.

You know, the minute we let you women start voting and driving and showing on TV commercials

is when this country went to hell.

And whoever heard of a woman being a soldier?

What would you do without a woman?

You wouldn't even be here without a woman.

I have a mother, and that's all I care about.

That's right.

Okay, and how would she like hearing you talk to me like that?

I killed her.

Oh, you did?

When I came out of her vagina, she died at the birth table.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

No, sir.

I weigh 482 pounds.

I'm so big, when she gave birth to me, she died.

That's not funny, bitch.

Every woman laughs at it.

My mother's dead.

This is the law.

That's why I'm addicted to gambling.

Are you calling from inside here?

No.

Are you calling from inside the casino?

I'm calling from the Radisson.

You're calling from the Radisson?

Yes.

Okay, so you didn't go to the doctor today.

Who is this?

My name is Jack Valenti.

You aren't.

It is not.

Yes, it is.

You couldn't be talking to me like this and really be, this is a joke, right?

Do you know who I am?

I drive a Dodge Stratus.

I'm Jack Valenti.

You drive a Dodge Stratus.

You ever heard of those?

Jack Valenti?

Yeah.

No.

Come on, baby shit.

Come on, sugar tits.

You know who I am.

No, please stop talking like that.

Come on, sexy cunt.

Talk to me, baby.

You're getting her hot, Carlito.

Bye.

I knew that was how it was going to end.

That C word always does it, folks.

Old-fashioned lady, you're like me.

When you want to end the call quick, call her cunt.

Call her cunt.

I killed her.

That's funny.

It's all good.

That's funny as bubbles, man.

Man, that was great.

Thanks, everybody.

Wow.

Yay.

Thanks, Lonesome Loser, for that number.

That was actually fun.

Wow.

Brilliant.

That was funny.

Sugar tits.

Good call.

I keep calling people sugar tits all the time now.

We got to call everybody.

Hang on.

Madhouse Radio, go ahead, please.

Hey, I'm calling in to request a prank call.

What's that?

Okay, I am in you guys for like the last 20 minutes.

Oh, shit.

I don't pay attention to that.

Hang on.

Where are you at?

What's your name?

Savannah.

Savannah?

Oh, Savannah, the sexy Savannah.

What's up?

Yeah.

Did you guys ever get that in for her?

Because I've been having to let my...

I'm married, but...

One of those new players, Buffer.

Yeah, I called her, and she didn't answer.

Hmm.

I left her a voicemail, a dirty voicemail.

Did you really?

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

Is there any way you guys could try and call somebody else for me?

Yeah, but you fucked her husband, dude?

Yeah.

What's up with that?

And she caught me.

Was she any good?

Was he any good?

Yeah.

It was worth it?

I am, maybe.

So did she beat your ass for real?

Yeah, she really beat my ass, and I was naked for real.

Really?

It sounds like something out of a movie, but I'm serious.

Seriously?

Do you have any scars?

So she blamed you for it?

Why did she blame him?

It's his fault, man.

I don't know.

Wow.

That's hot.

That's awesome.

Did you get on top of stuff?

Did you get on top of your kid's car later after?

That's real life.

No.

Okay, tell me, what position were you in when she got you?

Were you on top, or what's up?

Oh, no, I was sleeping next to him.

Oh, man.

See, it wasn't the act.

That was the aftermath, man.

Yeah.

See, you should have been on top when she caught you.

That would have been the shit right there.

No, she was a weak person.

You would have kept going.

I wouldn't have got my ass beat.

She attacked you when you were sleeping.

That's real pathetic.

That's fucked up, man.

I know.

And she's, like, a lot bigger than me.

Nice sugar tits.

I'm pushing, like, 105, and she's, like, 210, 220.

You're 105?

Yeah.

What?

You're like the skinniest girls

Ever you listen to the show

I know

Did you get payback?

Huh?

Did you get her back?

No, no, yeah

That's what I'm trying to do right now

Oh, let's prank her

Let's do that

We gotta do that first

Yeah

Hey, hey

Come to Papa

I'm gonna be here for you

Our co-host clone is saying

Come to Papa

You can't hear him

But he's all excited

And he's married too

He likes girls who

Yeah, so do you cheat on

Do you like

Are you like the guy

The chick out there

Who, you know

Guys cheat on

They're women with all the time

Is that your kind of thing

Or what's up

Oh no just once

105 she sounds like it

Just once

Yeah just once

Would you do it again

Did you feel bad afterwards and stuff

Did I what

Did you feel bad afterwards

Did you feel any guilt after

Or were you just pissed off

No no no

No no way

Wow

Wow so did she jump

How did she beat you

Did she jump on you

Or what

Oh no she really beat my ass

It was bad

That's fucked up

I was like 140 miles away from my house

Wow

And he lived, like, around this neighborhood.

Wow.

And so we were far away, so I don't know how she caught us, but she did.

Dude, that's fucked up, dude.

Well, hey, you got yours, right?

Huh?

You got yours.

Was that the only time you ever hooked up with him, or was it an ongoing thing?

No, that was just a one-time thing.

That was the bad part.

Eh, well, that's the bad part.

What are you listening to, this girl?

She's dirty.

Okay, so who else do you want us to call?

Don't tell me on the air because it will go out over and everybody will call me before I get to it.

Send it to me in the IM again.

Hang on, let me go back to that.

Okay, this will be my ex-boyfriend.

Your ex-boyfriend?

Yeah, my ex.

Okay, will you call me blah, blah, blah?

You want to talk to her yourself, actually.

You want me to try to call this chick again, then?

Actually, I don't want to talk to her myself.

Okay, you're kind of scared.

I don't even want her to know that I'm even involved in this.

How did you hear about us anyway?

What was the story with that?

Actually, it was funny because I was looking, just searching up prank callers.

Okay.

You know?

Right.

That's how I found you guys.

And I really thought it would have been funny if you would have acted like you were calling for her.

You know?

Piss her husband off.

Yeah, that's the whole thing.

That's what I'm talking about.

But I'll see if she answers.

If not, just send me the other...

What was it that you guys...

Did you guys call 3912?

That's what it is.

No, you sent 1239.

Okay, can you, I'm sorry.

You said the wrong number.

3912.

So 3912.

Yeah.

Okay, cool.

I'll try it again then.

Just keep listening.

Okay.

All right, we got your back.

Okay.

All right, keep doing what you do, man.

We appreciate it.

Okay, thank you.

All right, tell a friend.

Huh?

Tell a friend.

Tell everybody you know.

I will, I will.

Tell all your hot chicks.

Would you work with me?

I'm actually recording with my video camera.

You're recording this with your video camera?

Yeah, to listen.

Will she do a promo for the madhouse?

You know, we record this and we put it online for free.

every week, you know.

Do you really?

Oh my God, okay.

Go to the website.

You can get every single episode

we've had, you know,

for like the last year and a half

and stuff if you want.

And prank calls and stuff.

Just go to madhouselive.com and shit.

Okay, okay.

Are you married?

No, I'm in a long-term relationship

and I'll be married one day.

As soon as I can afford the ring,

I'll be there.

Well, make sure you call me

when you get married.

That's okay.

No, thank you.

I'm very happy where I am.

She's actually listening

in the other room.

She's going to be very pissed off

when I take a break now.

You're going to get mad.

So thank you for getting me in the doghouse

Tonight but hey

It was worth it

Can you say this is Savannah

You're listening to Madhouse Radio

Alright go ahead 1, 2, and 3

This is Savannah you're listening to Madhouse Radio

Excellent thank you very much honey sugar tits

Alright take care of yourself

You too

Bye bye now

Wow let's see KDK do that

Wow cool

We got a new listener

Carlitos got trouble

Yeah, I got trouble.

I'm going to have a lot of answers and a lot of questions tonight.

I'm going to be sleeping on the couch.

I guess so.

They're finding us somehow.

Interesting.

But, yeah, okay, we'll try that second number just for her.

3912 instead.

This one goes out to Savannah.

This is her, Rachel, the fat girl who beat her ass for cheating on her man with whatever that is.

It's not really her fault.

Who's more in trouble?

Who's more at fault?

The guy, right?

I mean, it's not the girl's fault.

She's just there, right?

Why do women do that?

Women get mad at the other woman before they'll get mad at the guy.

You should have asked her.

I guess so.

It's Savannah's fault for not eating enough.

I guess.

Because you know what?

Women know that the man will kick their ass if they try to hit him.

But anyway, I don't need that phone.

Here comes the next prank call of the night.

That's weird, that, baby.

Yeah, we need to play a call.

We need to play a song, rather, before we do that.

Hang on here.

We'll play this.

I get my cash flow.

And then I go where brothers don't know.

I'm on the down low

Mad cause they don't understand

That it's Astro Black season

I'm in demand

I'm down with the ITC

That's diggin' in them cakes

And my partner Lord Such

We always get crazy dates

I hit it right

Cause what goes around

Comes around

I always look out

I'm hittin' hookers like a hound

In and out like a bowler

Honeys always shout

Good luck

Yeah, without a doubt

But don't try to take advantage

I'll just leave you alone

Instead of puttin' that ass in bandages

The big guys, you know I L-U-V

The next up is M-A-D

Who like his ass as F-A-T

Check it out, your mad lib is livin' fat

Are you gentle or the type that wanna get your ass smacked?

Diggin' in some trace, play somethin' smooth

Teddy pin the grass, I'ma pee however your body move

I'm a top-notch cake digger

Use my tools and trigger, gettin' hustled

But the sex I always take

But if the dip screams rape like Kobe Bryant, I'll be upstate

And you know that's a fact, Black

So if she says no, it means no

And that's that, no matter how cute or big-breasted

Hey yo, she gotta get the boots, she gotta get the exit

A little mad I didn't hit it, so I dialed seven digits

So some skins are squitted, we could bone in my closet

That's my logic, but not every day

Because I'm working on my projects

Wash your ass and take it easy

Or act like Ray Charles, cause you know you can't see me

I like the sex one, but I might take on two, or even three

All me, dropping that ass like bad demos

And pulling all the cuties with no prime limo

That's right, cause I'm a gamer

The girl left you for me, Laura Quaz

I don't blame her

Step back

Bitch, your stick's in your back

Trying to step up cause my girl's ass is a fact

No, no

Thursday

Morning at 7, I ran and my stomach felt funny

All of a sudden, a hand came out the sky

Oh, focus swam around, man, he begins to die

Shitty smell went across the whole city

Nuclear toxic, now we won't feel no pity

Huh, many die from Ebola, many from AIDS

Mexicans, whiteys, Japanese, and spades

In the end, I ran in and all the mothers about to find out for self.

We got to see which side of the gate is open.

Well, is this it?

End of civilization?

Are we prepared?

Well, I hope so.

Here's the official stolen government training of the secret plan to deal with an alien uprising.

Now you have to stay on your toes.

When you walk in the streets and stalking the sheets, stay on the low.

Go to the wrong territory and get blown.

Some brothers ain't even on

Relations is on its way

Like your next flip

So get your mental uplift

While we shootin' together

Black magic chance

Let's keep a close glance

Put on the sky

Take a glance

Look around

I wonder why

Must be born to die

Must be born to be

Dressify

Sorry about the wait

Hey

Leave a message

Hey man

What's up

Let me talk

Call me back girl

What's up man

This is uh

Boasting

Get out

Rachel girl call me back you know I'm saying you know my number and you tasted great last night

and I want to get with that again I want to get all up in your folds Rachel your folds are great

get up in them I like that you covered your bed all up with uh what's that shit

all that uh what was that powder shit she put on the bed last night remember that man

that fucking uh cornstarch yeah that was good

Yeah, Rachel, come on, call me back, girl.

Whatever, I don't know, we had a problem with the phone line there.

Another divorce in the making.

Compliments of the madhouse.

Yeah, man, yeah.

We loved breaking up marriages here.

That's what we accept.

Send us your wife, your best friend, your dad, your mom, your anybody.

You're in the homewreckers club right here in the madhouse.

That's right, send us all your shit.

What do we got here?

Lonesome Losers sending in a bunch of fucking numbers here, man.

In Puerto Rico.

All right, man.

Hey, I got a hotel I can send in for you.

The motherland, Puerto Rico, where I'm from.

You're sending me a hotel, you say?

Good.

Send that in.

Lonesome Loser sending in bars in Puerto Rico.

You know what?

Puerto Rico's so awesome.

Man, I've been in Puerto Rico.

I've been in Puerto Rico in a bar at 4 o'clock in the morning.

They don't even fucking close, dude.

They're like, fuck it.

Puerto Rico doesn't go to sleep.

That's the fucking life right there, dude.

It's like, fuck it.

Do what you want.

Live it up.

Have fun.

Get drunk.

Buy a bottle of tequila.

No, no tequila in Puerto Rico.

It's all rum, baby.

Puerto Rico's rum town, man.

Yeah, man.

Caribbean's all about the rum.

Bacardi.

That's right.

I didn't even say tequila.

That's Mexico, man.

Son of a bitch.

What the fuck are you?

I'm Puerto Rican, man.

I'm Puerto Rican.

And Italian.

I'm 132nd.

Hey, you're Cuban, too.

I'm not Cuban.

Rumors and bullshit.

Oh, hang on.

I got homegrown.

You're part of the Cuban tradition.

Clone homegrown.

You there?

good what's up you were you were coming back so i had to meet you and i forgot to unmute you so

anyway we got you back i gotta take a quick break and do a wake-up call to debbie yeah who's debbie

debbie debbie's the black woman angry black woman the bus driver remember she drinks takes pills and

wrecks buses oh yeah she got into a few uh school bus accidents yeah yeah are you down yeah well

forget about the school bus part and focus on the pills and the uh drinking hell yeah hell yeah

Yeah, motherfucker, we'll do that.

The weed aspect.

That's right.

We're going to take a break first and then clone you.

You thinking about maybe calling us and doing a prank call with us, man?

Yeah, let me go grab the phone.

All right, man.

I'll give you the go-

Give Debra a wake-up call.

She needs a wake-up call.

I'll give you the go-ahead.

Get the phone.

I'll give you the go-ahead when we come back from work.

All right.

Anyway, we got a lot of feedback.

All right.

We're going to take a break, everybody.

We'll be back in less than five minutes, and we're going to continue the show.

More prank calls, more talk, more fun, more of your shit.

Visit us at madhouselive.com, pcuradio.com.

You can use that hotel, too, man, for a member to call from the wake-up call.

I got it, man.

We're going to call around.

We're going to have fun here, everybody.

It's a fun night.

You're listening to Madhouse Radio.

It's now 117 a.m. on Friday.

The weekend is here.

We'll be right back after this.

Lonesome loser confirmed from hotel numbers.

Room 420.

We got y'all.

Room 420.

Right up.

There's two dogs on the lake.

I testify.

Up in the spot, look at extra fly.

Yeah, die.

The Department of Homeland Security announces a national evacuation plan.

It's the Onion Radio News. This is Doyle Redland reporting.

Today in Washington, Homeland Security Undersecretary George W. Forsman

unveiled a comprehensive evacuation plan for all 300 million U.S. citizens.

According to Forsman, California and New York will help the smaller, weaker states

into lifeboats first before evacuating themselves.

And further, we have assigned everyone in the continental United States a buddy.

It is vital that you find your buddy before going to the safe zone.

Forsman plans to hold at least six full-scale evacuation drills

by the end of the year at a cost of $4.5 trillion.

Doyle Redland for The Onion Radio News.

The all-new 2007 Hyundai Elantra is a car we can all feel good about.

Visit HyundaiUSA.com to learn more.

About ten minutes ago, a guy tried to break into my truck.

Be sure to visit us online at MadhouseLive.com.

Yes, it's a long-legged test-out Puerto Rican.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

there we go and we're back breathe that's right everybody madhouse radio is back

you're in it in the mouth breathe one into the two two into the three all that

Shit.

All right.

Oh, bro.

So, here we are.

More shows coming at you.

It's now 1.23 a.m.

We're going to keep going strong here for at least another hour, if not longer.

We've got to stay longer than that.

Hopefully, we will.

Like I said earlier, I'll slap him.

That's right.

He'll slap me into a concession.

Dude, I have an energy drink in my car.

I should have brought that up with me.

I'll grab it for you.

It's a Balls.

B-A-W-L.

Balls.

A Balls drink.

I didn't even know that was out there.

You know what a Balls is.

is. I know you like balls. Hey, man. Hey, man. Hey, man. Cloned, you going to be calling

us in later tonight? Hey, did we lose Cloned? I don't know. Where's Cloned at?

Turn it up.

Crank it up.

Crank up the volume.

Crank it up.

My clone.

Call in, okay?

Just hold on.

Hurry the fuck up.

Waiting for you and shit, man.

The man's field is waiting for you.

Wake up, call Cloned.

You guys hear Clone talking about leaving his woman for that chick who called in earlier?

Homewreckers right here in the manhouse.

That's right.

Homewrecker Central.

Madhouse Radio.

Home to the most homewreckers on PCU.

She's even already got her sights loaded up on you, Father Carlito.

That's right.

Holy shitballs.

I know.

As I was saying earlier, the ladies like to call me Carlito.

Here we go.

Yeah, man.

The player, man.

She's looking for a chin rest.

We got somebody in the life of Jamaica.

You look like you're mad on a chin.

The crazy fucker.

You want to call Tim Linton?

You want to talk to him?

What's up, man?

How you doing?

Long time no talk.

Yeah, man.

Hell yeah.

We want you to talk to that Debra Mansfield.

So she's a crazy black lady who drives drunk.

You do it?

Fuck it, let's do it.

Hell yeah, man.

Let's play some music and we'll do it.

Hang on, everybody.

Clone homegrown with a prank call.

Don't put you in the school bus.

Stick with the alcoholic, drug addict angle.

Milkman says don't talk about the school bus thing.

Just stick to the whole alcoholic thing, I guess.

Clone knows how to prank.

Clone is second only to me.

That's all I have to say.

Man, whatever you say.

Why do I smoke grapes?

Because it's a madman.

I guess.

That's what you do.

Madman's pussy smells like ribs

Hang on, we'll be right back after this with the next prank call

Featured by Clone

Clone, you there?

Uh-oh

Clone, you there?

Yeah

Voicemail

Clone, you gonna call someone else? I got another number here

We got some hotels in California

Okay, hang on, let me clear the line

Let me clear the line, everybody, hang on

This is in Laugh Rock, California

This is Sam, how may I help you?

Yeah, can I get room 212 please?

Just a minute

Oh yeah, good old 212

You got it

Hi, good morning, this is your 1230 AM wake up call?

Okay

Please don't hang up

Oh, what a cock

Back home

Well, room 212

212

Yeah, hang on, let me call him back

That's funny

I lost a sexy down show

And all the creeps

So she could tell her stories

Took the girls back home

She went to the city

And got so, so, so ditty

She had to get a picture

Couldn't make it on her own

Cause I'm to the edge

Trying not to lose my head

It's like a jungle sometimes

It makes me wonder

How I keep from going under

It's like a jungle sometimes

It makes me wonder

You have reached an invalid Metro call pager number

MCLL112

The fuck?

Fucking Metro call shit

Wrong number

My bad. My bad. Do you want to try to call a different hotel or do you want to try to get the same guy again?

Same guy.

He's probably not going to answer the second time.

Same guy.

I got one here. Another hotel in Agoura Hills, California. A gay sounding guy answered.

We want the same guy!

Okay, call the queer.

We'll call the queer. That's funny.

Cleland, you're impressive. Hang on, folks.

Call the faggot, man.

Let's do that.

Well, I didn't like the tone you took with me.

Yeah, I didn't like the tone you took with me.

Is there a manager I can speak to?

I'm the only one here right now.

How are we gonna fix this? What's your name?

This is Tommy. Hello?

I guess that's free.

Hang on. We'll try one more.

Temecula, California. Hang on, dude.

You down for one more?

Alright, last one. Hang on.

Thank you for calling the Hampton Inn and Suites Temecula, this is Tyler, how can I help you?

Yeah, hello, I'm in room 12, and I had a couple of questions for you, you there?

Tell him you're calling on your cell phone

I don't know what the fuck's going on, he just hung up on us, what an asshole

Please enter your destination number

Hang on, I'm going to call a Puerto Rican bar in Puerto Rico, hang on folks

Starting to come in and taking over the territory

I dare you guys to call Puerto Rico

What's up, man?

I'm in the hotel right now.

Hey, speak English, man?

Who's the jefe?

Bo Steen.

I'm a rich oil tycoon from Texas.

Oil tycoon.

Get it right.

Yeah.

Who's the jefe?

You're the jefe?

What's your name?

What's your real name, damn it?

I told you.

My name is Bo Steen.

I'm a rich oil tycoon.

Steen Oil Company.

Yeah.

You guys got any room down there for me tonight?

Well, this is...

Shit.

Shit, oh boy, huh?

That's what I'm saying. You guys got room for me my party man

22 people 22 rich old tycoons and Native Americans you guys got room you got you guys got those faggot drinks

Yeah, what do you got there? There's mojitos man. What's with the what's with the people are speaking English here in this stupid Island?

Yeah, isn't this American shit?

Pretty stupid man. Hey, how about those stupid Cubans? Huh? Hey, hey big boy

I need to take my siesta.

I feel bad now.

I'm in front of my own people.

Cloned.

Why don't you jump in, man?

What's wrong with you, faggot?

Yeah, I know, I know.

All right, man.

You should have connected him.

I should have.

Cloned, go back to...

It's like my grandpa is on the phone with you.

My grandpa is on the phone.

Go back to team speaker, all right?

Bitch.

All right, bye.

I'm going to shit in your burrito.

Cloned's a big failure.

I'm what?

Fuck a burrito.

Hang on, I got to turn on the game.

Cloned just heard that.

What?

I call bullshit.

Big what?

What?

I call bullshit phones.

Big failure, what?

Man, I got the munchies.

Yeah.

We need music.

You're the one that put me on the spot, man.

Wanted me to call in.

Well, fuck it.

Don't be a lazy bastard.

Call in when I say call in, man.

That's how we do this stuff here in the madhouse.

Madhouse radio is quality.

Phone ringing here.

This should be nothing other than...

You're in the madman room in the madhouse right here.

98.6 the mouth.

I think this chick is calling again.

We got a rule about one time a time.

But we'll make an exception, hang on.

One time a night, one time a night.

Hi, sugar kid.

What's up, girl?

What?

I'm Savannah's friend.

Oh.

And I just thought that it would really be funny, like, if you guys had free time, if

you could call my ex-boyfriend Mikey.

What's his problem?

Excuse me, I'm sorry, I can't really hear you.

What's his problem?

Well, it's just, like, can you guys, like, just mess with him?

Do you have butt teeth?

Anyway, like, because he has a girlfriend, and they're both all, like, uptight, like,

Unless it's blah, blah, blah, or else you're going to get, like, your ass beat and stuff.

So we should tell him we're going to fuck with his friends, right?

Yeah, we're going to fuck with his people, his faces.

Fuck with his face people.

What's his faces?

What kind of, what, what, tell us about it.

Does he got buck teeth or something like that?

What can we work with?

He has red hair, and he's really, like, he's not fat, but he's chubby.

Was he red down there?

Um.

That's kind of nasty.

He actually did that?

Um, but, like, okay, can you be, like, um, his girlfriend's name is Trina now.

Uh-huh.

And she's always, like, trying to start stuff with me.

Yeah.

And so, can you be like, um, hey, I was, like, you were messing with my girl, Trina,

and act like you guys go out with Trina?

We'd be like, what, you big bitch now?

Well, what's up with your girlfriend, Savannah, right?

That's her name?

Yeah, that's her name.

She got blonde hair?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Why, you seen her picture?

No, I ain't seen no picture.

I'm just assuming.

It's named like Savannah.

I gotta have blonde hair.

Why do you think my name is Savannah has got blonde hair?

You ever take a shower with her?

What?

You ever take a shower with her?

How many people are in the room right now?

How many people are there right now with you guys listening?

Two.

Two people? Just you and Savannah?

Yeah.

Nobody else? No other guys?

How old are they?

No?

Uh-uh.

How old are you guys?

How old are you two?

I'm 20, and she is 22.

She's 22?

Yeah.

Does she buy you beer? Does she buy you alcohol and stuff like that?

Did you see our pictures on MySpace?

You got MySpace?

Yeah.

I went to the URL.

Well, give it out.

You want people to know?

Share your MySpace.

We've got 212 people listening right now.

Okay, it's www.myspace.com

slash Ashley, underline Parker, underline fan.

So that's your name, Ashley Parker?

No, that's mine.

You know Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town?

O-Town?

Yeah.

No, I have no idea what that is.

What is O-Town?

Orlando?

I'm from O-Town.

Um, no, it's, uh, Boy Dan.

Oh.

Old Town?

Yeah, yeah, they're from Orlando.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Oh, dude, really?

Yeah.

That's you?

No, that's not me.

Oh, okay, I was about to say, we got a celebrity.

So, who, is this that Ashley chick again, the Savannah chick?

Is that you?

No, it's not, it's not Ashley.

It's Ashley, I'm a fan of Ashley Parker Angel.

Oh, okay.

Oh, I put my MySpace, if you guys see my MySpace, you see.

I'll get to it.

You know, mine is Madhouse Live.

You know, myspace.com forward slash Madhouse Live.

Okay.

There it is.

Add me now.

Hurry up.

Huh?

Hurry up and add me.

No, don't take too long.

Hey, man, your boy didn't answer the phone, though, you know?

Yeah, I noticed that.

Yeah?

All right.

So when are you going to take your top off for your friend over there?

Well, she's already seen, you know, a little bit.

Oh, she's seen it.

She's my friend.

Yeah?

You got to see.

Yeah, we don't have a picture of you, though.

Well, Madman, talk to the fucking phone, man.

You got to say something.

Why are you so scared?

Madman's scared.

Madman gets all shy.

What's the problem?

Fuck you, Madman says.

Fuck you.

He says, forget it.

I don't know what Madman's trying to say.

How come there's no pictures of you on your MySpace page?

There is.

Go to the, um, pics.

Why don't I look at Mad?

Got it.

Here.

I got it on the IM.

Yeah?

Okay.

You said, what, you sent me a picture of you?

Whatever.

No, look, I'm in a pants.

Look at the IM.

Damn, oh, you're sending me an IM, okay, alright, whatever, I'm slow, whatever, what is this shit? Hang on, let me get there real quick.

Hang on.

Hang on, yeah, whatever.

Tell her I wish I was a piece of pizza.

Clone says he wishes, okay, so Ashley Parker, okay, I see here, I see here.

Hang on, hang on, stop that, do you see that?

Okay, so you're eating a piece of pizza, I see what's going on, okay.

Now go to the pic.

Yeah, well, I can't do that now because you've got music playing on your MagSpace page and shit.

I'll check it out after.

I'll check it out in a little bit.

Oh, will you send me the picture?

I see, I see.

Send it to me on AOL.

Okay, I am right now.

All right, whatever.

So, what, did the girl see your tits?

Is that what you said?

Well, yeah, she's my friend.

She's your friend?

Well, you don't just go around showing your tits to anybody.

Well, my friends, they do.

So, how did that happen?

Um, well...

You were taking a shower together?

Huh?

You were taking a shower together or something like that?

Well, we were in school and, like, gym and stuff, but that's it.

But you don't get naked in the gym and in high school?

Yeah.

You didn't take a shower nude?

No, we didn't.

You know, here in Florida, we never did that at all.

We had showers and no one ever used them.

We never got that far into it.

At most, we saw each other.

Like, the girls, you know, they'd be in their bras.

That was it.

So you seriously took showers in front of each other and stuff like that?

Yeah.

Wow.

So you did that?

Jesus, every time I try to open a MySpace page on a show, it, like, takes over with the music.

Yeah, it jerks everything.

Are you live right now?

Yeah, we're live.

We're on the air right now.

You're being heard by 212 people.

Really?

Yeah, so there it is.

All right, so what do you want me to do?

You want me to call her ex-boyfriend, right?

Yeah.

And you sent me the number already?

Yeah.

No, I haven't.

Oh, well, send it to me now.

Do you want me to do it right now?

All right, yeah.

Okay, I'm sending it to you.

All right, you do that.

All right, what's his problem?

He's got red hair, right?

Yeah, and his name's Mikey.

And his name is Mikey and he's got red hair?

Yeah.

I guess I could work with that.

All right.

All right, cool.

Okay.

We'll rock on.

All right, then.

Okay, thank you.

All right.

It was nice talking to you.

Yeah, it was nice talking to you, too.

Yeah, all right.

So what did you say about me getting married and stuff?

I should not get married?

What do you think?

No, you shouldn't get married.

Why not?

Because.

But I like this girl.

She's all right.

She makes good pancakes.

You know, she's nice.

Yeah.

You make good pancakes?

Do I?

Yeah.

Um, no.

You burn them, don't you?

Yeah.

This girl, she makes the perfect pancakes, though.

Tyler makes some pancakes for me.

Yeah?

Well, come down.

Where do you live?

Florida and shit?

Where do you live at?

Illinois.

Illinois?

Yeah.

Well, my boy Mad Men in the studio, he's from Illinois, too, you know.

Oh.

Yeah, so you two maybe got a connection.

I could be from Illinois.

Maybe.

Chloe said he could be from Illinois, too, yeah.

So what's up with that?

I don't know.

What part of Illinois is he from?

I don't know.

You smoke weed?

Do I?

No.

I used to when I was younger.

But you're like 22 right now. You're younger than me.

Oh, fuck.

Bitch, dude.

I don't do it anymore.

Oh, my God, dude. You gotta start smoking again.

It's the new crack.

Alright.

Seriously, I gotta let you go, because my girlfriend's really pissed off she's given me the evil eye.

Oh, no.

Yeah, you got me in trouble again.

I just worked it out.

I had to go out and buy her flowers and everything, and now it's all fucked up.

Oh, no.

You should.

Well, tell her it's on the up and up.

You know we're not gonna do nothing, right?

No.

Okay, we're okay.

Yep.

You're too far away, right?

Yep.

And you're not into Hispanic guys, right?

No.

You're not into him?

No.

Aw, you ever been with one?

Uh, no.

Come on.

Let's see, but then you don't know.

Yeah.

All right, well, maybe you'll find out.

Are you Hispanic?

Yes, I am.

My name's Carlito.

No, I'm Jewish.

Yeah, I'm Hispanic.

I was going to say, because you don't sound like it.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, thanks.

It's a long story.

Yes, but I'm Hispanic.

I'm Puerto Rican.

He's a token Mexican.

All right, then.

I got to let you go.

Okay.

Hey, we'll call your friend's ex-boyfriend over there, all right?

Mikey, send me the number.

We'll get to it, all right?

Okay.

I promise.

All right.

Bye-bye.

Okay.

Jesus.

Man, am I in some trouble tonight for talking to that chick.

That's it.

I can't see her picture.

I saw her eating pizza.

I don't know what's going on because every time I open her MySpace page,

there's music.

Madman with a message?

Yes, I will.

I'm on it, Madman.

Yeah.

So anyway, moving right along, she's going to send me that.

It's in the chat room, dude.

Someone post it over here, dude.

You got it?

All right.

Yeah, I'm posting.

Clone posted it.

Good work, Clone.

Very good.

On top of the ball.

Fucking clone the homegrown.

Great.

Thanks, bro.

Alright, I got a direct link to the pic now.

Awesome.

About time.

Thank you, who did that?

Arnie, aka Lonesome Loser.

You know who we need to call?

Is it time to call Crazy Fucker yet?

Can we call him?

Get his comments on the election.

Get his comments on the rap.

DTT begging for the picture of this chick.

We'll get right on that, dude.

Someone send DTT a link to her picture before he has an aneurysm over there, everybody.

everybody send that to dtt and we'll call uh well let me see if i got his number here i may not i

may not have saved it oh we got a problem oh i got it okay cool we're gonna call crazy fucker

next so hang on everybody don't you go anywhere crazy fucker we're gonna attempt to call him next

on uh 98.6 madhouse radio coming right back i'm down to my last beer so we'll play this

8.6 the mouth

Watch Star Trek shit

He's always got a weird message

Hey

Hey, crazy man

Hurry up and pick up

We gotta check in with you

We got important stuff to talk about

We're coming from the future

Hello?

Hey, man

From the future, we come

I'm not a crazy man

We're crazy guys

From the future, we come

I'm the dumb fucker

From California

Not crazy

Crazy

We're coming from the future, man

I'm not crazy

I'm the dumb fucker

I thought it was

It was crazy fucker

From California, dude

Dumb fucker

Whatever you see

I'm drinking a beer

What are you doing, man?

What am I doing?

Yeah, what are you up to?

Do you mean you can't see what I'm doing off the satellite?

Of course I can't see you off the satellite.

I don't have the control of the satellite, man.

We got Google Maps hooked up direct on your house.

Yeah, man.

We did.

Give us an update.

What's going on with you?

How are you feeling tonight, man?

I'm feeling great, man.

I just, I listen to your show, man.

I feel all right.

How about the rap song, man?

Hell yeah.

We played it twice tonight, man.

Hey, man, you can have all fucking rights to it, dude.

You get like Snoop Dogg, Dogger, 50 Cent or whatever.

Oh, I can't wait to go replay that.

When I was in prison, man, I was in prison with a dude that owned Death Row Records.

Suge Knight?

Suge McKnight.

You were in prison with Suge Knight?

Are you fucking serious?

Same fucking yard, same fucking prison.

Did you talk to him?

Yeah, I talked to him a couple of times.

That dude, he was usually so fucking, you'd only see the dude.

Dude, he'd be going from the yard over to a lawyer's business.

He had, like, fucking high-juice lawyers that was fucking visiting him all fucking day long, man.

So, seriously, you talked to Suge Knight?

Huh?

Suge Knight, you seriously talked to Suge Knight?

Yeah, yeah.

He's big, isn't he?

He's a fucking big, he used to be a football player, dude.

Yeah, he's a big fat dude.

He's an asshole.

You know, they say he killed Eazy-E.

He injected him with...

Yeah, right.

Right, they say that shit, but, you know, they say a lot of shit, man.

They, you know, they were trying to give him a fucking life sentence off that shit.

He's an asshole.

But he got paroled.

He got paroled while I was still there.

But then I heard from some people last year that he got violated again for a weapons possession or something.

He was like a dude that was like, he was not a, he was a rich motherfucker that was in prison

and he didn't want to be there.

He wanted to be out on the street spending his fucking money.

And so he wasn't like, you know, he wasn't like fucking...

Until he had Tupac killed.

He wasn't...

Well, that's what they say, man.

All that shit about that thing in Nevada or something.

Some fight or something.

Vegas, man.

Vegas.

After the Tyson fight, dude.

He had him killed.

Yeah.

Well, you know what?

You know what, dude?

Honestly, he held...

Supposedly, he held Vanilla Ice by his feet over a balcony.

Number one.

Number two, he went over to Dr. Dre's house and threatened to kill him

until he gave over his master taste for the Chronic album.

Number three, he came out on Jimmy Kimmel Live himself

and admitted that Eazy-E got injected with HIV-infected blood

in order to give him AIDS, and that's how he died.

I mean, that's his own volition.

I mean, that's what the man said.

You know, them dudes, they had this big fucking shit war going with each other

for the East Coast and the West Coast.

It was a goddamn territory.

Yeah, them guys, man.

But, you know, but that, yeah, I was, yeah, that dude, I did do time.

I didn't know that, you know, I'd just say hi and goodbye to the dude.

But, you know, I didn't hang out with him or nothing.

But he didn't really hang out with nobody.

He didn't hang out.

Hey, there was all kinds of rappers in prison that was trying to sell them songs

and give them songs.

And when they'd see them, they'd start rapping their songs and shit.

Hey, prison, man, I think that fucking rap music was born in prison, dude.

You go to fucking prison, man, and I'll tell you what, man,

you can hear some, if you like rap music, then you ought to go to fucking prison.

Is that where you'll hear it?

I don't want to hear it.

I don't like rap music.

What about the new movie coming out, Let's Go to Prison?

But then again, you know, I saw that movie, 8 Mile with Eminem.

Yeah, I saw that too.

And I thought that was a really cute movie, dude.

I thought that was a great movie.

Cute.

Hey, but anyway, let's change the subject a second.

Yeah.

No, keep going with that.

We want to hear another rap song.

Let's do it.

You say you don't want to get married because you don't have a ring?

I got to get the ring first, man.

Well, I can help you out with that, man.

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, man, you and your fiance, man, all you got to do is just get married in the bathtub.

In the bathtub?

Yeah, and then you'll have a double ring ceremony.

Aw, no, I clean my bathtub clean, man.

I clean it every Saturday morning.

No, you'll have a double ring ceremony.

I guarantee it.

Every Saturday, I clean the bathtub.

I clean the toilet.

All that good stuff, man.

Every Saturday is my cleaning day, dude.

It's not like that.

I don't have the rings on my bathtub.

Hey, dude, guaranteed, dude.

Get married in the bathtub, and you'll have a double ring ceremony.

Righteous!

Yeah!

So crazy, guys.

Tell me the truth now.

Now, this girl that called in earlier tonight, she just said, what, she took a, her friend saw her topless in the bath, in the shower in high school?

Isn't that something right there?

What do you mean, dude?

When you was in, like, junior high and high school and took gym, didn't you, like?

Never.

I didn't take one shower in junior high.

Nobody, I swear to God, not one person ever took a shower in junior high or high school.

After PE class.

Ever.

No shit, dude.

We didn't have to.

It wasn't required.

I don't understand why it was required.

They said to us, all we had to do was change clothes.

That's it.

And even still.

You didn't have physical education class mandatory?

We had PE mandatory all the way up through high school.

Showers aren't mandatory.

We didn't have to.

It's a dirty, dirty south.

At the most, we changed into a shirt that we had to buy from the school for like nine bucks and a pair of shorts.

And we'd get down to our underwear and change, and that was it.

We didn't have to take a shower or nothing.

We didn't have to get naked in front of each other or shower at all.

There were showers in the high school, but they were never used at all.

No one ever used them at all.

Damn, really?

I'm serious.

You're good to go.

Hey, from the time I was in the seventh grade up until I got kicked out of high school, dude,

I took a fucking shower with my fucking P.E. class five days a fucking week.

That's fucking gay.

They used to take us out on fucking three mile runs every day

The school I went to, man

But it was like, no shit, dude

You'd be all hot and sweaty

And you had to, you know, you had to take a fucking shower

Alright, hang on, real quick, round table

There was no gayness going on there

Alright, hang on, okay, so crazy

Man, man, ever in high school, did you ever have to take a shower in front of your classmates?

Yes

You did? Seriously?

Milkman, you're old

I'm not, man

Milkman, did you have to take a shower?

You know those girls we talked to?

Yeah.

Same thing for them.

Milkman.

Oh, man, it was required.

Milkman says it was required.

Clone, what about you?

In high school in Maine?

Yeah, we had to go up actually and show them our wet body.

We had some freaky-ass teacher.

Oh, really, man?

I swear to God, we had to go up and show them that he was wet.

No, man, now it's real common.

Girls was the same thing.

I mean, it was all, you know, I mean, the boys' and girls' P.E. classes were segregated, separate, right?

Yeah, same with us.

You know, they tried for two years.

No, no, for one year, they tried to integrate them.

They had boys and girls in the same class, and P.E. didn't fucking work, and they split them up the year after that.

It was fucking stupid.

See, crazy fucking news right here in that house.

Yeah, that was probably because there was too many fucking young girls getting knocked up and shit.

No, we just had more fun with other girls because they were just fucking lazy and didn't do nothing.

What?

It was fucking awesome.

It was, you know, not having to deal with those fucking women.

Honestly, it was that kind of feeling.

I don't mean to be rude or nothing, but, yeah, honestly,

I guess I'm either the lucky one that they didn't have to take a shower in front of the other guys

in high school or middle school.

We called it middle school, junior high.

Well, what did you guys do instead of showering?

Nothing.

We just changed our clothes.

So, in other words, you would, like, get all fucking hot and sweaty from your PE class

and then just fucking put on your stinky clothes and go back to fucking class.

Oh, no.

Here's the thing.

We'd have our P.E. period, whatever.

We'd get to the locker room first thing.

We'd change into our P.E. clothes, a shirt and a pair of shorts.

We'd have 45 minutes of physical education.

We'd come back.

We'd change back into our school clothes, and that was it.

We didn't take a shower.

Nothing?

Nothing.

45 minutes?

45 minutes is all we got, yeah.

Shit, dude.

Yeah.

We'd have fucking, in 7th grade until fucking 10th grade, dude, I had two hour PE classes.

What the fuck?

They'd take us on three mile runs.

Then we had gymnastics where they'd make us climb these big ass fucking ropes up to the rafters in the gymnasium.

Nature's education.

Well, let me tell you something.

I'll be honest with you.

Like, after school, for me, I played football all through high school.

I mean, you know, after school, I'd have 15 minutes.

I get to the locker room, I change into my football gear, I put on my pads, my uniform and shit,

and I get out and, you know, for an hour and a half, you know, we'd practice and shit,

but I had to go home after that.

I didn't have to take a shower.

I'd get home again.

Really?

After football practice even?

Yeah, even after practice.

And that was the public school system where?

Florida, the worst public school system in the four continental states.

Dirty, dirty south, man.

Yeah, but no, if I'm going home, what am I going to take a shower?

I'm gonna go home. I'd rather take a shower in my house. I'm gonna get naked in front of these other guys man

They shit do that. I did from that man

I tell you like I say every day five days a week from seventh grade up till I got kicked out of fucking high school

Crazy fucker down here. You see more sir, but

It was like no big traumatic thing man, I was just like it was you fucking take a shower

It was like it was like, you know, it's like

by snapping each other in the ass with towels and shit.

Well, we did that, but we didn't have to get naked in front of each other and stuff like that.

What do you mean?

Carlito, we did not have to take...

We beat all the purpose of snapping somebody in the ass with a towel

if you can't see a big red welt forming after you do it.

No, but we get to the point, we change clothes so we'd be in our underwear

and someone would snap you with a towel on your back or something like that.

Yeah, but we never got gay in the fucking locker room.

Now that I think about it, man, probably the fucking principal and P teacher and all the teachers,

they were probably all fucking gay and hiding behind the wall jacking off watching us now that I think about it.

I don't know.

Not in Florida, dude.

You know what?

I don't know.

Hey, dude, let me.

Where I'm from, man, is like they, now, man, is like fucking.

Watch out for them priests too, man.

But, hey, dude, you know what?

You almost healed that guy, man.

Brother Dugan, you almost healed that gentleman earlier, man.

I'm trying to help him out, man.

I know you are, man, and you're like a placebo, dude.

And if he ever really grasps a hold of the concept you're offering him, he'll be totally healed.

If he was smart, he'd be healthy by now.

He'd be on it there.

We should let him inform it.

He'd win the Tour de France.

It's just like last time.

Crazy fucker.

Why don't you inform him?

Tell him what's going on.

I can't hear you

Inform him

I don't inform on nobody, man

Well, hey, have you ever been in a casino, dude?

Yeah, but I was too young

I was like not legally old enough

To fucking get into the casino

And it was like

So they only let us in the restaurant

I was on a big fucking greyhound bus

With 75 other fucking dudes

on our way to Job Corps Center out of Carson City, Nevada.

All right, Carson City.

Yeah, you ever heard of Job Corps?

Yeah.

Yeah, I was in Job Corps, man, and the bus stopped in Las Vegas.

Okay.

And we fucking ate breakfast in a casino,

but we weren't legally old enough to get in the casino part,

so we ate breakfast there in the fucking casino.

And then they shipped our ass out to fucking Job Corps Center that's about, it was about six miles outside of Carson City, Nevada.

Right.

And my buddy and me was walking through the woods one day, man, and we come across this big fucking fence.

And this big, it was a big, like, 18-foot cyclone fence with razor wire on top and shit.

It had a big sign on it that says, Proceed No Further.

It's talking about there was fucking deadly radiation.

Fucking, yeah.

Hey, man, let me ask you a question.

What's up with the election?

What are your thoughts on the election Tuesday, Wednesday, whenever it was, Tuesday?

Well, it's sort of like this.

Would you rather get fucked in the ass by a guy wearing a brown shirt or a guy wearing a blue shirt?

I'll take the blue shirt.

Our guy in a donkey.

No, no, no, man.

You got your choice.

Getting fucked in the ass by a guy with a brown shirt or a blue shirt.

So, you know, pick the color shirt you like, right?

Yeah, almost still.

I mean, no, seriously, think about it.

This Nancy Pelosi.

Ooh, mic rattle.

Right, she just said in her speech.

Right.

She said that she's going to fucking join forces with George Bush

and there's not going to be any impeachment movement.

There's not going to be any investigation, nothing.

All I've been trying to fucking tell people,

one half of 1% of the people own 90% of the fucking wealth.

And these motherfuckers aren't satisfied with just being rich, rich elitists.

Now these guys want to control the fucking world.

And these guys are totally fucking evil.

They are not good people, dude.

No, none of them are.

They are trying to, well, there's some of them are.

Now, I'd say about one-half of one percent.

There are some real rich motherfuckers that are good people, but they're in the minority.

They're like maybe one-half of one percent of that one-half of one percent.

But here's what's coming down, dude.

It's just, man, believe me, man, they're going to try to trick us into, like, doing something.

See, what they want to do, if you ain't got a criminal record,

is they want to give you a criminal record so you can't own a gun.

They want to make sure that you've got a felony conviction

so they can use that against you so you can't legally own a gun.

Because these motherfuckers are going to make an attempt, man,

to create all kinds of panic situations and all kinds of fucking bullshit.

It's fucking bullshit, man.

Yeah, like, for example, man, like, well, hey, listen,

I would tell anybody listening to your program, dude,

Dude, listen to PCU, but also listen to AlexJones.com.

AlexJones.com, everybody.

He's the only motherfucker out there that's telling the truth.

If you listen to Fox News, CNN News.

That's bullshit.

Yeah, they're propagandists.

They are totally propagandists.

All right, so let me tell you what.

I was at the election party, the celebration party for a senator here out of Florida who won.

Fucking bullshit. Bunch of rich people, hobnobbin' it.

I was probably the poorest person there.

Right.

And they're a bunch of assholes, you know what I'm saying?

Hey, you're right, man. You're absolutely right about that.

Those motherfuckers. You know what? I felt like shit.

You know, I was there. We got invited.

Athena's involved with the Democratic Party, and I'm for the Democratic Party.

And we got to go to the celebration party for a senator who won the election on Tuesday, on Election Day.

we got to go in, it was an awesome experience, but I could have sworn I felt like the schlubbiest

person there, they probably looked at you and wondered, well, they looked down on me,

I'll tell you what, I was, you know, I was sitting at the bar, and I had a guy sitting

right next to me looking down on me, he made me feel, you know, motherfuckers, you know,

fuck these people, you know what I mean, at the end of it, I was like, you know, fuck

all these people, man, you know, he was, he was trying, he was like rubbing, like,

you know, I was sitting at the bar, he sat down next to me, gave me the ugliest look,

and this chick, this lady that was there was giving Athena a dirty look

like she didn't deserve to be there or something like that.

You know what I mean?

Fucking bullshit, man.

You know what I'm saying?

These rich motherfuckers thinking they're real.

Who are the people that were, like, serving them drinks and serving them food and shit?

Yeah, but you know what?

There's more of us than there is of them.

Oh, dude, that's what I'm saying, man.

Just be a regular fucking person, dude.

And remember, man, remember, dude, we do not have enemies in the world unless you buy into that concept.

I do not buy into the concept where I have any enemies in the world.

I have six billion potential brothers and sisters.

There's not anybody in the world that I want to invade or drop a bomb on or shoot or hurt in any way.

There's nothing nobody's got that I want to take away from them.

There's nothing that anybody, the only people that I want to go after is the serial killers, the baby rapers, and the fucking...

Hardcore drug dealers.

Yeah.

Well, I'm not, the hardcore drug dealers, I don't have, I don't give a fuck about no hardcore.

I'm not, I myself, man, I don't fucking, I think all drugs ought to be legalized.

Guys, I think that you ought to be able to walk into your local grocery store

and buy five pounds of heroin and cocaine.

Hang on, hang on now, hang on now, hang on.

And sugar.

All right, here's, number one, I think marijuana should be legal.

That's definite.

Number two, cocaine, okay.

I'll give you cocaine.

Heroin, though, I don't know.

Well, no, if you want to go to sleep after you've done too much fucking cocaine,

it's like this.

You could use heroin.

It's like the only thing bad about drugs,

There are two really bad things about drugs, and that is the supply and demand side of

it, and the second thing is exactly what's in the drugs.

You know what's bad about street drugs is the shit they used to step on it with.

For example, out here on the West Coast, they used to step on the heroin so much that you

You'd get maybe like 10%, maybe if you were lucky, you'd get maybe in a shot of heroin,

it would be 10% fucking heroin and 90% billiard, right?

Yeah, but back in the day, you know, in the heyday, with cocaine in the 90s and the 80s,

in the 80s, you'd get a bunch of mostly baby laxatives with cocaine.

Right, that's what I'm saying, dude.

You wasn't getting pharmaceutical drugs, that's what I'm saying.

I'm saying that pharmaceutical drugs are, you know what, you know, do you know what, man?

You know what, Google that.

In history, man, the Egyptians, when the Egyptians used to use pepper,

and the Europeans and the people that lived, you know,

if they could get a hold of some pepper back then,

they would get the same rush that people get now.

Awful fucking.

Whoa!

God damn, we got some pepper?

Like black pepper?

Carlito.

Well, the shit we got now is nothing like the pepper.

Because the genus of every organism is getting weaker and weaker and weaker as time goes by.

It really is.

All right.

Well, we just got stronger in time.

But, hey, I digress.

Look, number one, a question in the chat room.

Have you ever been in the chat room?

Let's be honest with me.

Have you ever been inside our chat room?

You know what?

I'm so computer illiterate that about fucking before my computer crashed,

I mean, a couple months ago, about five, six months ago,

I did tap into a chat room and I was able to access what the people were saying.

I was never able to join into it because I couldn't figure out how to fucking,

I couldn't figure out how to, what to click on.

Well, we can help you, man.

We're going to get you in on that.

Now, there's a question in there.

Exactly how old are you?

Some people say 67 years old is the going bet.

How old?

67.

I say Klontz is 45.

I'm thinking about 61.

Milkman says 50.

I say you're 49.

And, man, man, what's your bet?

61.

What is it?

What's the story?

Dude, I'm going on 18 years old.

Not in physical years, but in dog years.

in dog years

not Snoop Dogg dog years either

honestly when were you born

can you tell us at least

I know you were alive in the 60's

because you said you hung out with hippies in the 60's

I remember when I was a kid

we had a really good

fucking president

his name was Abraham Lincoln

and some son of a bitch

some actor

some fucking actor

shot his ass

And things ain't been the same

The country's been going down

Having called Charlie

They're both the same age

It's like, hey, for real, man

You know, I do not want to get

Age discriminated against

Because if you tell

You know

It seems like people

They try to put labels

And handles on everybody

And it's just total fucking bullshit

But that's not the kind of people you're talking to right now

No, that's not something you want to talk to me about.

You're talking to your family, man.

Dude, I'm trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, man.

Oh, dude, come on.

How old are you?

Hey, you want to hear another thing, man?

I tell people about PCU, and I had a couple of fucking people half my age that I got to listen to your show.

Yeah?

And you know what they told me?

They said...

It sucks.

No, you know what they said?

They said, well, that's really childish.

What?

He says, you know, one of them says, yeah, hey, when I was 10 years old,

I called up a grocery store, and me and my buddies asked if they had Prince Albert in a can.

And he says, yeah, and we told him that he ought to let them out.

Then we called up somebody and asked them if their refrigerator was running,

and they said, yeah, and we said, well, you better catch it.

How old are they?

Half my fucking age.

Tell us an age, man, anything.

Hey, dude, I know, dude, half my fucking age.

We just want a number.

You said two, didn't you?

Growing bald and got gray hair.

How about this?

When you were 18, how much did it cost to buy a stamp to send a letter?

When I was 18?

Yeah.

Fuck, dude.

There was no such thing as stamps.

You had to get up on the highest hill and you had a light, a fire.

Oh, man.

Where's the off button?

Get some pre-bound...

We've got to move on from this craziness.

Jesus fucking Christ, we've got to get some prank calls on this radio.

My brother.

My nigga.

You want to do a prank call with us?

I'd love to, man.

Charlie.

Hang on.

Let me get a number here for you.

Charlie, I'm only 87 years old.

I'll tell you...

By the way, you mentioned stamps.

Stamps?

Let me tell you guys if you still...

This is a re-vision.

It's like they're almost sold out,

but the greatest stamps you can get right now is DC Comics Super Hero Series.

You can get them, and they're real old-time stamps.

Is there a Superman stamp?

Yeah, there's two Superman stamps.

There's one where a regular Superman,

and then there's one of the DC Comics,

and there's like all the fucking, they're great, man,

But, like, okay, they're like, I happen to manage, I was lucky where I got me one post office completely sold out of them.

But there's, like, there's Batman, Green Arrow, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Superman, Hawkman, Supergirl, Aquaman, Plastic Man, The Flash, Batman 1, Green Arrow, 15, Plastic Man.

Oh, hey.

Plastic Man.

You sound like you're a standpoint.

Hey, last week, Superman, man, it was happening last Saturday night.

Superman was flying around and wondering what to do.

So he thought he'd fly over and see if Aquaman wanted to go partying with him down at the local club,

down at the local heroes club.

So Aquaman, he says, you want to go partying with me, man, Saturday night?

Aquaman says, well, I'd like to, but a Russian submarine is breaking up.

I've got to go try to contain the radiation.

So anyway, Superman, so he's flying back, and he looks down,

and he sees fucking Wonder Woman, and she's laying on a beach,

and she's totally naked, and she's got her legs spread apart,

and she's moaning, and he's saying, well, what the hell?

So he thinks that she's inviting him down.

So he goes down and he screws it really fast, right?

And he flies away and Wonder Woman says,

what the hell was that?

And the Invisible Man says, I don't know, but my asshole sure hurt.

Yeah, I've heard that before.

Oh, you have? Okay.

It's old. Yeah, man.

Put that to some country music right there.

We've got to let you go, bro.

That shows you how old I am.

No, it's still a good...

That's as old as the shit between my teeth.

It's still a fucking good joke, man.

It is, I love it.

I didn't tell her, right?

God damn it, man.

I love that joke.

See, real quick, say hi to all your fans real quick.

Milkman, he's not going to do a call.

He said no.

Say hi to your fans real quick.

I got no fans, dude.

I got no idols and I got no fans.

I won't walk ahead of a person because I don't want nobody to follow me,

and I won't walk behind nobody because I don't want nobody to follow me,

but I'll walk side by side with every good American that loves everybody on the planet Earth

and only wants to make the world better for everybody.

Okay, well, hey, brother, we'll talk to you next week.

Love, peace, and joy to all sentient beings, even the rappers.

Even us out of this planet.

Hey, good night.

Holla, motherfucking Julia.

Peace out.

Cheers and beers, and watch out for the queers.

White power.

Jesus.

Every week we talk to him, it just takes forever.

I feel, yeah, I know, you tried

Mad Men tried to end that

That guy, five minutes, I'm telling you

I know, how long was that anyway?

How long was it, 3 in the morning, we were still talking to him?

That took so long

3.30, man

I finally got the pictures of homegirl, though

What's this phrase?

You know, I asked Carlito to slap me

I'm not bad at all

That last picture, she sent me her bent, you know, kind of bent over

and shit, you know, not bad

What?

Too bad when she sees me in person, she's gonna be like

Like, oh, my God.

He's not going to see me first.

Who invited Fat Albert?

Anyway, whatever.

Yeah.

What else did we do?

More prank calls?

More prank calls.

Should we keep pressing?

Is it too late?

Yeah, do a call, man.

Time for a call.

It's a lone homegirl.

We've got plenty of listeners still.

I don't care.

We'll do more prank calls if you guys want.

That took too long.

I'm sorry.

Hell, yeah, man.

Man.

Dig out some numbers.

All right.

Hang on.

Lonesome loser with the numbers.

Hang on.

Let's move on, folks.

All right, thank you, thank you, crazy fucker, for checking in with us.

You know, we love talking to you, but sometimes it's just, uh, yeah.

Okay.

Wow, Lonesome Loser's numbers are old.

His last number that he sent in was an hour ago, dude.

It's all good.

That's all right, man.

Lonesome has good numbers.

He'll send in some new ones.

Let's see if Lonesome Loser can send us some new ones.

That doesn't matter.

You just dial him.

Clone has a good number for Bozo the Clown.

Where's that at?

Clone?

Send a number?

Clone, where's your number at?

No, I didn't send, I didn't send in anything.

anything. Milkman, you're a fucking liar. Yeah, whatever. Milkman's a fucking liar.

Alright, hang on. Milkman, I'm drunk. I'm fucked up. High five. High five. Who's fucked

up? Milkman, you fucked up? Milkman, you used to drink wine all the time. Clone, you messed

up tonight? I'm just dumb. I think we need to pack the bowl. I think so. Where's the

bowl at? Break out the bowl. Break out Wessie Pipes. Man, Wessie Pipes. Oh, I just fucked

Fucked up the music.

Sorry, folks.

Hang on, everybody.

Replay.

There we go.

Okay, so we're moving on.

Wow, 2.30 in the morning, and so people, listen.

You know who wanted to call in was Zolar.

Zolar wanted to call in about an hour ago, honestly, before we talked to Crazy Fucker.

Let me see if we can get a hold of Zolar real quick to convince him to call in.

Let me try to call Zolar.

Hang on, let me see if Zolar picks up the phone.

See if we can get him to do a prank call for us.

It's time right now to call the UK, man.

It's 7.30.

Do we have UK numbers?

Period?

I don't know.

They're on period.

Give me 60 seconds here.

I'm going to get some numbers of prank call.

We'll see if we can get Zolar from the Howard Stern Show real quick.

Do some prank calls for us.

I don't know if we can, but we'll try.

One moment.

Okay, Zolar is trying to call in right now.

Hang on, everybody.

There he is.

Nope, someone else.

Shit.

House Radio, you are on the air.

Oh, man, this is Bubba Johnson.

I done called in last week.

Yeah, Bubba Johnson, man.

My nigga, my nigga, why are you calling us again?

What up, Bubba Johnson?

What's up? What up, my nigga?

What's up, Honky?

Yo, man, I got me a, uh...

Yeah?

That's technonology, bro, isn't it?

Nonology.

I ain't talking shit, boy. That's my language.

Now, listen. I've been still trying to type in the name of that website.

That website doesn't exist, bro.

That's 96.69999 in the mouth.

I tried ghetto speak, you know what I'm saying?

I tried spelling it.

You gotta do it in Ebonics.

HF. Is that right?

Yeah.

Yeah. That's all good.

Word.

So what's up with that crazy white boy that done calling to the show?

I don't know.

He's a fucking crazy guy.

Hang on.

Let me get one other crazy white boy.

Can you hold on for like 10 seconds for me, brother?

Yeah, man, but hurry up.

The light's about to turn on.

All right, I understand.

Hang on, brother.

Hang on, everybody.

We're going to get Ted and Zola in line.

Hang on, everybody.

Ted, you there?

Or Boba Johnson, you there?

What's going on, people?

That's what I'm saying.

What's going on?

Nah, we got Bubba Johnson on the line.

Yo, man, what up?

What up?

And we got Zolar on the line.

What's up, Zolar?

Yeah, I got a bad echo going over here, man.

I can't understand anything anybody's saying.

If you could hear me.

Yo, that's because you're talking to a black man.

I don't want everybody to hear you anyway, man.

You're just white.

That's what you is.

Damn.

Damn, so anyway, what's going on, peoples?

Yo, man, I don't know.

I don't know either.

I'm just chilling in the crib.

I'm here, but I can't really understand anything anybody's saying.

It sounds like everybody's underwater.

Aw, shit.

Are you serious?

I got a fucked up line.

Yo, man, you got to turn to 96.8 in my mouth.

98.6 in my mouth is in full effect.

96.9.

All right, man, you got to fix that up.

Yeah, Zola, I'm going to call you back, all right?

Don't mess around with me.

All right, hang on, Zola.

I'll call you back soon, all right?

Lickety split.

All right.

All right, we dropped him.

What's up?

What's up, Bubba Johnson, a.k.a. Tim?

What's up going on, brother?

How you been, man?

Oh, pretty good.

It's good to have you calling the show, man.

First, well, second time, I guess.

I called you in an accident last week.

I really apologize about that, man.

Oh, no problem.

I thought you were prank calling me or something.

No, I didn't mean to.

I was honestly trying to call the guy that you heard earlier in the show, the crazy guy.

Uh-huh.

He lives in the same town you do.

Oh, are you serious?

Yeah, so I had both of you on caller ID, and I figured you were the first one.

I figured you were the same guy, and I called you, and I felt bad.

That's pretty funny, man.

Boba Johnson got revealed.

Take a picture of his house.

You guys should meet up, maybe, you know?

No, no, we're not going to meet up.

Fuck that.

Are you going to chain me up and have me taken away?

I guess.

Hey, we have a company in London, if you want to try to prank all of them.

This is an international call we can do for you.

Oh, wow.

In England, it's called Snacks...

Oh, shit, I lost it.

Snacks 24.

S-N-A-X 24 Corporation.

But, yo, man, I don't know how good the black man will do over there.

Man, you got to throw a cut in there tomorrow.

Is that a snack food company then, or what?

I think they're a food company.

Maybe they're like a vending machine company or some shit.

What time is it in England right now, dude?

I think, well, actually, they're just starting work right now.

Eight in the morning.

Man, we're on late.

This is awesome, dude.

Yeah, right now it's 8.30, man.

8.30 in the morning.

Milkman, you still with us, man?

I know you've got to work tomorrow, but you still with us, man?

Milkman's a trooper.

Milkman's a fucking trooper?

Clone doesn't have to work?

Yeah, but no, I took about a three-hour nap, so I'm okay, man.

Hell yeah.

Hey, can you have Ted please call Charlie because he's up and waiting for a call.

Yeah, we already called Charlie, though, man.

Maybe later, but you want to call England, dude?

Have you ever called Den of Prinkle?

Hey, did you ever send me promos?

I've got two ready to go.

I'll send them to you tomorrow afternoon.

I should be able to send that tomorrow afternoon, dude, when I wake up.

I'll remind him.

First thing in the morning, I got your Gmail address.

I'll send it to you tomorrow afternoon, all right?

They're ready to go.

All right, brother?

All right.

You took over the rotation already, too, right?

Yeah, and I got a cool program I wrote that lets me just automatically interleave promos.

Oh, yeah?

So I want more people to hear about the show while they're listening.

Have you ever done a prank call to London?

No, it'll be the first time.

Well, it's the first time.

Fuck it, dude.

Is it going to be Bubba Johnson?

Bubba Johnson, whoever it is, man.

Yeah, I wonder how they'll react to Bubba Johnson.

I don't know if it'll be too good.

You might want to do another one.

Let's see how it works, man.

We got another number here in case.

We got an adult video store in California, just in case.

The Brits aren't used to the black people

Yeah, the Brits aren't used to the black people

Hey, regardless, we're going to call London

Do black people watch porn?

Yeah, they do, sure they do

Black people make porn

They make porn

I don't know why I asked that question

No, that's a good question

It's all good, it's all good

Don't feel bad for the question, dude

Alright, we'll be right back

Mad Men, close your line up real quick for me

Boba Johnson, Ted, hang on the line

Milkman, Clone, stay over there

Are we calling London then?

We're calling England

We're calling Hershey

It's called Hershey

I'm a lost clone, man

It's called Liverpool Hersheyside England, is what I have here.

It's called Snacks 24 Corporation.

And here it is.

Everybody hang on the line.

We've got to play some music for London.

I don't know what to play.

We'll play this right here.

We'll play some Mario Van Peebles.

Come on, feet.

Hang on, everybody.

Next prank call tonight's going right up.

Come on, Faye, do your thing

Come on, baby

Don't on me

Come on, baby

Don't give in on me

Come on, ladies

Come on, cruise for me

Cruise for food on me

Anyway, the way I pick them up and put them out

Even if they want it, won't catch me down

Won't catch me now

Never put us in some cold-ass ground

Sure is dark, never been out this way

Anyway, safe and sound

But we broke the Olympic 220

Cross-crunchy or something

Whatever happened to the sun, shoulda gone away, shoulda blackened in a landlord's soul, musta run all day

Musta run all day, musta run all day, musta run all day, musta run all day, musta run all day

Who's for me?

Me

We got another one that came in, too.

He answered, uh, two, uh, five minutes ago.

We get a priority garage in Liverpool, also.

Yeah, answered two minutes ago, but this doesn't work.

Oh, that, that sounds good.

Let's go for the garage.

Yeah.

Most of the losers are the man.

Hang on.

We'll, we'll give us, uh, two more rings.

All right, man, man, hang up over there real quick.

Clear the line.

All right, we're gonna try the other one.

Hang on.

We got it.

Hang on.

Hang on, Dad.

Okay, this is priority garage.

Hello, priority garage.

Bubba, I don't, I need to bring my car over there.

Great.

Good morning. I need to bring my car up in there. There's something wrong with it.

We're at a petrol station. We're not a garage.

Say that again.

Sorry.

Say that again.

How much gas?

We're at a petrol station.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, the problem is my car ain't got no gas in it. I need someone to come get me.

Oh, there's no one here to come and get you?

No, come on, girl. Yo, you come get me, all right?

She fucking laughed and hung up. What a bitch.

Petrol.

How much gas over there?

Yeah, as soon as the bitch comes back, we'll call her back. Hang on, dude.

Any second now, it'll come back.

Enter your destination number now.

4, 3, 2, dial.

Check the number and dial again.

Message 15.

Enter your destination number now.

Morning, is this the same chap?

No, this morning I had petrol there.

Yeah?

And horrible things started happening to my motor car.

Right.

The hood popped straight off.

Sorry?

The hood of my motor car popped straight off and hit a pedestrian.

You what?

And I bloody think it has something to do with the petrol you've got there.

I don't think so.

No, I think seriously your petrol is faulty.

Will it get tested?

I'm going to come test you in a moment.

I don't know who you are, but don't phone here again.

All right, ma'am, this is Officer Johnson of the Ovens Police.

I've got the police on to this land.

All right, ma'am, this is the police right here, ma'am.

His hood popped off when he hit a pedestrian.

Right.

Because of your fuel.

Boy, mom, this is the party.

What you wanna do about that?

Good one, Ted.

Jesus, God.

Man, make jizz out of that one.

The hood is a bonnet.

Hang on.

We got one more.

We got one in Ireland here.

We got the...

Hang on.

I did that quick.

We got one more.

We got one in Ireland.

Fairfield Foods.

Hang on.

Hang on, dude.

Call them.

They call you when they need something.

Trees for the blood to cheese for the front.

I found a way to get peace of mind for years and left the hell alone.

Turn the deaf ear to the cellular phone

Send me a letter or better, we can see each other in real life

Just so you can feel me like a steel knife

At least so you can see the white of their eyes

Bright with surprise once they finish spitting lies

Associates, is it boys or girls?

I think it's just homies

Close, but really don't know me

Mom, dad, comrade, peeps, brothers, sisters, duns, dunnies

Some come around when they need some money

Others make us laugh like the Sunday funnies

Fan me around whether you paid or bummed me

You can either ignore this advice or take it from me

It's a peep dummy

Ain't so funny, they wouldn't even make a worthy enemy

Are you there?

This is Ireland, uh, Fairfield Foods

Fairfield Foods

Good morning, Fairfield

Yo, good morning

Uh, this morning, I need to come in there and get me some stuff

I'm gonna do some cooking this afternoon

I think you've got the wrong number

No, is this the Fairfield Foods?

Yes, in Belfast

Yeah, that's right

Why you think I got the wrong number?

Can't a brother call up and get some groceries?

Yeah, we don't sell groceries

So what you sell then?

We sell dairy products, but full containers, milk powder, and so on.

Oh, I see. You bring the milk to the house?

No, we don't. It's all export business.

Yeah, that's right. You know, you just send it to my house. That's export.

Yeah, but do you want 20 tons of it?

Now, like, maybe over the next 10 years.

Yeah, yeah. Well, we don't do small quantities.

Oh, I see, I see. But, you know, I could save money if I buys up a whole bunch, though, right?

Yeah, it would cost you a lot, though.

So, all right, how much for about 10 jugs of milk?

Oh, no, we would only sell you 20 tons.

Well, we only want one ton.

That's right.

Well, we only want one ton.

How about that?

We'll give you $10,000.

Fucking plot.

Anyway.

All right, Ted.

No problem.

I didn't know where to take that.

Dude, she was full of shit anyway.

They're not just going to sell people 20 tons of fucking milk.

Who the hell wants 20?

I'm going to try to call her back.

Hang on.

I'll talk to her.

Didn't let me do it.

All right, Ted.

Thanks for calling in, brother.

All right.

Can I listen in, though?

Hell yeah, you can.

Let me see.

Do you want to listen on the line?

Oh, were you going to call her back?

I just thought you guys were going to call her back.

Yeah, it didn't go through.

Hang on.

Ooh, the Mermaid Suite Hotel in London.

Oh, nice.

Ask about Little Mermaid.

Yeah, the Little Mermaid.

Let me call the foods lady bitch again.

I don't know.

See, I told you the Boba Johnson thing was going to go.

They're like a black man in England.

Oh, my God.

It doesn't also stink.

Hang on.

Hang on, man, man, real quick.

Clear the line.

All right, hang on, dude.

Let me see if I can get her to go.

You hang up.

I hang up.

We hang up.

up and then all right hang on hang on ted you know what i'll just go i'll just listen online

then all right no problem all right one more all right all right ted's gonna listen online

everybody it's cool it's zolar's turn call on zolar zolar's gonna call in now we got a number

for the mermaid suite hotel i want to see how zolar takes that if he's out there and then we're

probably gonna call it tonight because i really gotta you know i gotta we're not no we're not no

What time is it?

3 o'clock in the morning?

Fuck it.

Are people listening still?

Hell yeah.

Wow, dude.

41 people listening at this time of night?

We're not calling it a night.

I'm telling you people, I'm going to slam it.

Yeah, man.

The madhouse is rocking the house.

Wait a minute.

What happened to Clone Homegrown?

He's not even in the satellite anymore.

What happened?

Clone lost his satellite, I'm telling you.

Did he really?

Did he leave?

No, he bailed out of the chat.

Nope, nope, nope.

He bailed out of Team Speed.

I think he got in trouble, man.

Time out, man.

Like Mama Clone went and trimmed back his butt.

Yeah, she's kind of strict, you know?

Clone's wife is really strict.

She's from Australia.

I guess.

She's got an arm and hammer on him, dude.

Seriously, I've got to take a piss like a motherfucker.

Like, you don't want to know.

Go do that.

Holy shit.

But I've got to get Zolar on the line at least.

Zolar, if you're listening, call in, faggot.

That's your shout-out, right?

I guess.

Call in, faggot, motherfucker, bitch.

We know you want to call us.

Okay, let me try to mess it.

Give me ten seconds here.

Let me try to get Zolar on the horn.

Maybe he's upset.

Maybe he is.

We didn't mean to snub him, but you know how Ted doesn't like him that much and shit.

I tried to conference him three.

He had three of them in.

This is a nice jam right here.

I've never heard this before.

Let's see if Zolar calls in.

Give me a few seconds here, folks.

I'm going to try to get Zolar on the line.

Zolar.

Zolar, dude.

You hit the wrong button.

Hey, what's up, dude?

What's happening, brother?

There we go.

What's up, man?

How you doing?

Fucking, like, I'm one of those tense guys who don't know if I can actually fall asleep.

Fucking, am I up for the rest of the fucking night until daylight hits or what?

Because I just got in from...

California you flew in from?

You've been in California, Beverly Hills all this time, man?

Seven days, from Thursday to Thursday.

Holy shit.

I got one of them tomorrow, but only two hours.

Yeah, but what's going on with that, though, man?

Are you...

You got a pilot?

You shooting a pilot or something?

What's the story over there?

No, no.

My girlfriend has friends out there, a fucking hotel in Beverly Hills.

She and I have friends, and then we ate, partied, and went back and forth to, like, fucking, you know, like, call it fucking Venice Beach.

Yeah, nice, man.

So do I hear wedding bills coming up, man?

You've been spending a lot of time with this old lady lately.

I mean, I enjoy hers, and we're fucking, you know, traveling, so I don't care.

If she wants to take me places, let her take me.

Where are you guys going next?

I don't know.

No, I think she wants to stay in Manhattan because she had to fly back to Florida.

I had to come back to Manhattan.

Oh, okay.

So, hey, man, you think, is this that Zohar's really good with the la-la-la-la?

You think that's what it is?

You know what I mean?

You know what I mean.

Zohar.

Well, no, it's not that, actually.

Oh, okay.

She's a very amusing fucking, like, punk from the streets.

And she's upper echelon fucking, been very fucking hoity-toity all her life.

And she's kind of like in the contrast from her ex-husband, who she's now divorced.

No shit there.

We're good.

He had a limp dick.

You know what I mean?

So it's like the bad boy thing.

He had a limp dick.

He took the husband off.

All right, man.

Are you going to be on tomorrow night?

Let us know.

Everybody's waiting to hear your bated breath.

Guaranteed, 100%.

I could smell your bated breath right through the phone.

There you go.

Everybody knows now.

Stinky shit.

Zolar's on tomorrow night.

10 o'clock, as always.

10 p.m. Eastern, right?

Yeah, that's right.

And I'm hoping that everybody out there who's listening now will tell a friend or two,

And we'll have quite a significant amount of listeners

And that'll be cool

I'm going to change the topic for you, man

Yeah, Madman's going to be

He's going to change the topic

But he's going to be on a plane, unfortunately

What time are you getting home, Madman?

Any idea?

My plane gets home at midnight

Wow, dude, that's sick

I'll change the topic for you, Zola

He's still at your house, huh?

Yeah, he's chilling

Live on 98.6 The Mouth

98.6 The Mouth

The Mouth

We'll talk about this.

You want to call London, dude?

I got three numbers ready to go.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I want to talk a little bit.

Talk a little bit, man.

Talk all you want.

What's up?

Yeah, yeah, fucking, uh, so anyway, what is Mad Men doing at your house all this time?

He's been, uh...

I've been here before.

He's been fixing my car.

Oh, so...

I'm a jack of many trades.

Yeah.

This is not the first time he's been to your house, though?

He hung out once earlier in the year.

He came by, and he's been near.

He's been about 30 minutes out of Orlando lately.

I guess it's only been out of the loop, but this is the third time weekly that I've been on the Madhouse.

Three weeks straight.

I know that.

That's what I'm saying.

Aside from this night, I know you were here originally when he made the announcement that he had a surprise guest,

and you've been there the entirety of the time, or do you go back somewhere and come over just for the show?

Yeah.

He's been staying.

He's been doing family stuff for the last three weeks.

He's been close to here, about 30 minutes out, and he's made the trip out here every week.

He's been very good.

I'm going to miss him.

He's been a great asset here.

but you know what

I'll be back

I've got multiple

condos out here

in Florida

yeah

that's how we do it

well excellent

because I never

really get to put

his voice to

you know

seeing him

providing the

chat room for us

all the time

I always thank him

but I now hear him

and that's cool

it's awesome

dude next time

you come to Florida

next time you're

in Miami or whatever

we need to make it

a point

either I drive out

to South Florida

or you come out

to Central Florida

and we're gonna

do a show together

yeah that's

fucking five hours

dude

I don't give a shit

who gives a shit

that's better than

fucking 24 or 48

from where we're

driving now

Exactly, I'll figure it out.

I drove down here, god damn.

We'll meet halfway.

We'll meet in fucking Fort Pierce or something.

I don't know.

We'll figure it out.

That'd be cool, because I could actually do a show from my laptop,

but I would have to bring my fucking mixing board in order to do phone calls.

You know what I mean?

No, I got that.

Do I have a mixing board, Madman?

No.

I don't have a mixing board, do I?

I make it happen.

I got all the hookups, dude.

We'll figure it out.

Even if I had to bring my own computer, we'll plug it in there.

I got a Wi-Fi connection myself on my computer.

We'll figure it out, dude.

Yeah, the only way I can make phone calls is if I nigger-rig it like I used to when I first got on the air,

where I put the microphone up to the fucking hoodie.

I don't do that.

See, we don't got DJ Butterface.

Worst comes to worst, you know, you're in South Florida and Miami, I drive down there,

I'll bring the computer and I'll bring the monitors and I'll bring the keyboards and the mice and the microphones and everything.

Oh, I know, that's cool, because I'll be in the Aqualina, you know where that is?

Aqualina, I have no idea, but Google Maps will tell me where it is.

We'll zoom in on your location.

We'll definitely do it.

You let me know, huh?

Who are we calling and where?

We have the numbers for the, we have three places in England, okay?

If you're interested, we have the Mermaid Suite Hotel.

Nice.

We have Kingsway Park Hotel, or we have, and I didn't know that Borders Books,

but Borders Books apparently is in London, my favorite bookstore.

Borders Books and Music in London as well.

All right, so we'll call the Mermaid Hotel, being that you like Borders Books.

I'll do the Mermaid.

Yeah, and the winner of that will get Kingsway Park, whatever.

We'll figure it out here.

We're going to be wrapping it up soon here.

It's 3 o'clock in the morning.

Holy shit, we're doing this now.

We're not wrapping it up.

Don't listen to us.

No, I've got to get to sleep.

I've got to work tomorrow.

We're going to stay on until the crack of dawn.

We're staying on until the crack of dawn just for you, Zolar.

We've got tons of listeners still, so we're going to stay on for a little bit at least.

But, yeah.

And we're not just talking about the fat chicks like Neo.

That's right.

Oh, wow.

The blood is coming now.

Milkman's talking.

All right.

Hang on, everybody.

everybody. Zolar,

Mermaid Suite Hotels, Carlito, Mad Men,

Milkman, that's it. Clone's gone, but

yeah, Zolar too.

Don't go anywhere. In just one moment,

the next prank all night.

Yes.

stay concentrate you'll find that you're bound to gain what we found was fake we can watch two

incredible mates masturbate why settle away let's escalate to the nearest super agent see your

rivers on the mirrors and they're smearing booty cheeks come on this is my favorite song

I sing along when the DJ throws it on

And if I leave, I'll just sleep and wake up

Hopefully she got some tea

This is my favorite song

I sing along when it be gone

Hopefully she got some tea

She's carrying me to approach Cameron

She's got a venereal

Tons of baby fathers, maybe bottles and cereal

She holla cause I got a lot of denarii

All the DJs playing, oh

Steady, steady, she wants to get home

What's the real thing, not the dildo clone

And I know I don't wanna be heading home

With some double D's full of silicone

Dicks surround me outside

Found me outside, found me outside

We'll be right back.

I'm ultra in beans, got your Oprah in jeans.

Me, a little cuisine, wouldn't hurt much.

One minute.

All right, got it.

Got it.

Good morning, Mr. Tagnan.

Yes, good morning.

I'm calling from my cell phone.

I'm a New Yorker, and I'm new in the area, but somebody had recommended your facility.

I see, and I'm going to be stopping by in the morning.

What accommodations might you have?

What accommodation are you looking for?

Well, I need to sleep.

I need to shit.

I need to take a bath.

Yes, I know, but are you looking for a single or a double?

No, I need a suite. Do you have a suite?

Yes.

Okay, so listen to me. You could send up like, you know, a couple of chippies for me as well?

Sorry?

A couple of chippies and some blow.

Where?

The room when I come in. Do you have a concierge?

Oh, we don't have these services, sorry.

Alright, but do you have a concierge?

No.

Alright, how about a bellman?

See, we got only, this is bed and breakfast.

Oh, I see. So you could serve me breakfast in bed while you give me a little blowjob?

Blowjob? Blowjob you can get it yourself.

Sorry?

You don't get any service, nothing. Only bed and breakfast and nothing else.

No clue?

How about a little rectal fucking ease, you know what I mean? I need a little fucking rump.

Only bed and breakfast in here.

Alright, but you sound kind of cute with your lips on my cock. Would it be cool?

Only bed and breakfast.

Yes, breakfast in bed while you give me head, you sand nigger. What are you doing over there?

Hello, hello, hello, hello.

What are you going to put the chick on so I get to China?

Anything else? You want to book a room or what do you want to do?

Yes, yes, yes. Okay, you ready? What do we got to do? I got to give you my credit card number or what?

You want to book a room, yes?

What are you, stupid or you got fucking sand in the ears?

You know our rates, bed and breakfast.

What rates? What's rates? You going to fucking charge me? How much you going to charge me?

because I'm going to let you suck my cock.

It's big.

We give you my send-in card number.

It's gone.

Mad Man's heard it on it.

There you go.

I know.

What's the matter, Mad Man?

I don't know.

Mad Man, explain yourself.

It's just lame shit.

That's all it is.

We've got to move on.

Oh, man.

It was working out.

Enter your destination number.

We're calling Borders Books and Music Stores.

Did you take my call?

I don't know.

Mad Man's dissing you.

Hang on, Mad Man, real quick.

You're off?

Are you there?

Hang on.

Fuck the game.

Close B7.

Want to take the bookstore?

I'm on break.

Yeah, you like that. It's borders. We're going to burn her ships fucking game bookstore waste my life fucking madman borders

No, why not right now? What fucked way down? Hello right now that fucking faggot Ted is like

Oh, I wish I wasn't funny boy birders closes mate. We got a tiger 24-hour cars

I have no idea what to turn cross borders. Yeah, you guys got books. Yes. I'm in a desperate need for some novels, right?

We're not actually open until 9 o'clock. Oh, yeah. Well, I'll come by 9 o'clock

Don't give me the runaround.

Okay, but what kind of books...

Hey, hey, hey, baby, come on.

Why are you talking to me so rude already?

I just started talking to you.

I'm just saying, what kind of books?

I can look them up for you.

What kind of books are you...

Novels, novels.

Is that what I'm...

Novels.

I'll tell you the artist.

But, you know, ever since I got here to London,

all you people do is yell at me and curse at me and stuff

because I'm a fat American.

You understand what I mean?

Can you look up the artist for me?

Yep, sure.

You know what we call the artist?

What do you guys call it?

The author?

Yep.

Yeah?

Okay.

Okay. Well, you ready to look it up or what, damn it?

Yes. Can you give me his name?

Yeah, Tom McGrady.

McGrady?

Yeah, McGrady.

How's that spelled?

M-C-G-R-A-D-Y. It's a damn British name. I hope you know what it is.

We haven't got a McGrady coming up on our system.

Oh, come on, man. Are you serious? What about James Frey?

We should have some James Frey, I reckon.

F-R-E-Y.

Hey, you're taking too long. What's going on over there?

I'm looking on a computer.

What's the big holdup? What, are you trying to mess around with me?

I'm looking at...

You messing with somebody else over there?

Who are you talking to?

You fucking hung up already.

Jesus fucking...

They bloody hell don't like to be talked to.

Bloody hell.

Fucking twat.

Jesus Christ.

Please enter your destination number.

Peaky with you there, Carly.

You want to try one more?

We got this Tiger 24...

Okay.

We got Tiger 24-hour cars.

You want to try that, Zola?

We must.

One more call coming right up.

Hang on, folks.

Where is it located?

London.

All right.

What is that?

Bedford Shire, England, to be exact.

Hang on.

Bed for shower.

Hey, here's a f***er, Tigey.

Can you hear me?

Please enter your destination number.

Now, district ballot will allow you to talk for 16.2 seconds.

Nice try, f***ing Sandhanger London bitch.

Hangs up like that.

Sauce, do you hear me, Dove?

Hello?

Hello, sir, how are you?

Hello, sir, is this Twi- is this the Tiger store?

Yeah.

Yeah, could you check to see if you have the weak sauce there?

Buddy?

Weak sauce?

Do you have the weak sauce there?

No, no.

No.

What do you mean you don't have the weak sauce?

Of course you do.

We don't.

You don't have the low-grid petrol?

No.

What do you have there, then, love?

This is taxi office.

That's what I'm looking for.

Do you have the vehicles that run on the weak sauce?

No.

What are you, a faggot?

Who are you talking to there?

Hello, this is Joe America.

How are you, sir?

Hey.

Hello, sir.

Say.

Enter your destination number now.

Hang on.

Cheeky there, Mark.

Current balance will allow you to talk for...

One hour, six minutes, one second.

This is the Kingsway Park Hotel.

Zola, you want it or should I?

Zola, here.

Okay, good morning.

Hello, Kingsway Park.

Yes.

How are you, sir?

Fine, sir.

Good.

You can recommend it from a friend of mine from Brooklyn, New York.

I just flew in through Heathrow.

How far away from you are from the goddamn hotel are you?

From Heathrow?

Yes.

Hurry up.

You can get a taxi from there.

Yeah, we can reach there in still 45 minutes.

Well, the shuttle never came to pick me up.

I don't know, sir.

Hey, can you take the shuttle and park it right up your fat ass?

Hello?

Can you take the shuttle and park it up your fat ass?

I can understand, sir.

Can you take the fucking shuttle and park it up your fat ass?

You understand what I'm saying?

What are you talking, sir?

You asked the destination from the Heathrow Airport to the hotel.

Yeah, and I said take the shuttle and shove it up your fat ass.

You understand what I'm saying?

Okay.

Please enter your destination number now.

Zola, are you there still?

I think Zola hung up.

What a bitch.

Zola, what are you taking a shit?

What's going on?

I gotta poop.

I don't know what happened to Zola.

Okay.

Man, you sent me a bunch of stuff here.

I gotta read it.

Am I allowed to read this over the air?

Is this sensitive information?

Is this about your girlfriend?

No, it's not about my girlfriend.

When's the last time you had a girlfriend, man, man?

I've got a couple of girlfriends right now.

I'm gonna read this shit in the air.

Nice.

nice man

madman

multiple lover

hey

madman says

little survives

of this early

music of England

by which is meant

the music

that was used

by the people

before they said

blah blah blah

it's a bunch of

shit

I have no idea

what he came for

I don't know

what you're talking

about

I don't know

what he's talking

about everybody

hey

the warrior

in the house

that was

English radio

stations

that's what that

was

contained in that

message

remember that

a long time ago

no

but I'll check it

out

English radio

stations

from an english radio station yeah you know who she calls guam remember that guam remember that

guys remember when we called guam that one time we had a laugh yeah yeah yeah that was great man

we called the tv station the tv huh oh yeah the tv station that was funny remember that we called

the plant shop and then the animal place yeah good times remember that time that girl who weighed

a 105 pounds call

in the show?

That was some shit, too.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

So, what's up?

You're fat.

Yeah, that was stupid,

that bitch.

I ought to kill her.

That's on the outro

to the show.

Speaking of which,

I think it's time

to end the show, dude.

We don't have any more

shout-outs to the listener count.

The listener count is 40.

Oh, man.

40 people still listening.

We can't end it.

40 people listening,

and Blackout has 15.

Wow.

Zola, I could do the show

all night long.

I haven't heard one

Jack Masterson call all night.

Oh, man.

We haven't done an Eddie Garcia call in months.

You got a point.

But who am I going to call if I don't have numbers?

Okay, right now it's 6.14 p.m. tomorrow in Guam.

So give me a Guam number.

I don't know.

I can't do this.

I'm doing a show, and I don't have time to confirm numbers.

Lonesome Luge is probably sleeping at 3 o'clock in the morning, 3.18 in the morning.

Zolar, why aren't you in the chat room?

Zolar left.

Zolar had to, you know, do something.

He just gave up on us because we suck.

I don't know what happened.

What do I do?

No, Zolar had to poop.

Yeah.

I don't have no numbers.

We call all the numbers.

It doesn't matter if they're old column.

Again, these niggas are close.

3 o'clock.

Hang on.

Let me see if I can find something here.

24 hours.

My cock.

Oh, shit.

I just closed TeamSpeak.

Whoops.

Let me get Milkman and Warrior back on the line.

I just fucked up.

Oops.

Dude, honestly, I think it's time to call it, dude.

Nah, we can't do it.

It's a special edition of the Late House Madhouse.

Whatever the fuck it is.

We can't even talk, right?

We're a fucking drunken stone.

The Late House Madhouse.

We gotta keep going.

We're gonna try, like, a few more calls if I can.

Hang on, let me try.

Oh, shit, what's the...

Okay, thanks.

Thank you, Milkman, for bringing me in here, or Warrior, whoever did that.

I appreciate it.

Welcome back.

Yeah, we're back in the...

Satellite is back up.

Well, I'm gonna...

Satellite back up.

I'm gonna try to...

Warrior and I were just wandering there.

You know what?

I'm gonna try to call Australia.

Space shuttle pilot on autopilot.

Yeah.

I'm gonna try to call Australia.

While I try to find a number, we'll listen to this.

I got a bunch of 24-hour numbers here.

Send them in.

What do you got?

You're sending me a number in Australia?

Oh, you said a time.

24-hour time.

Are you serious? Is that late already?

Wow.

Yeah, it's already tomorrow evening.

15 hours ahead.

That's a trip, dude.

We haven't even started that day yet, and they're already done with it.

Fucking shit.

Okay, Madman is sending a number for 24-hour emergency anytime towing, 24-hour party line.

24-hour party line?

Well, hell yeah.

Let's do it.

We're calling the party line, everybody.

Hang on, folks.

98.6.

No.

Tell them your car got hit and it's in two pieces.

You need to be towed for the towing one.

Call the party line first, though.

Yeah, triple.

Sure.

RELYING!

This is your first time!

We will need to gather a little bit of info, and you will only need to do this one time.

Now hold on and get ready!

If you're male, two if you're a female.

Uhh...

Make your selection at any time.

One if you're male, two if you're a female.

I did, bitch!

Nope.

Make your selection at any time.

I'm trying.

One of you are male, two are female.

End it.

Make your selection at any time.

These phone cards are just not leading enough.

One of you are male, two of you are a female.

I don't know what the fuck's happening.

Yeah.

You hung up over there, man, man?

Yeah, I'm done.

Okay.

I'm done with that shit.

The phone card is just not good enough.

That one's not working.

Shit.

Okay, we got AAA 24-hour emergency roadside assistance serving my area.

Okay, good.

That's where I need it.

Ooh, a 24-hour dentist?

Are you sure?

Wow, Chicago has it all.

Chicago!

24-hour dentist in Chicago.

Son of a bitch.

That's awesome, dude.

You never know when you need a dentist, man.

You never know when your teeth's growing a fucking whatever.

Milkman's talking in the background again.

Milkman, what's up with your guitar?

You got that working yet again?

Long pause.

I guess.

Warrior, you talk to me now.

I command you.

What's been up with you, dude?

How was work today?

I know you...

Are you working nights and late nights now?

Is that what your story is?

Yeah, I'm working 10.30 to 9.30 to 3.30 in the morning.

Holy shit, man.

That's fucking crazy.

Well, good.

It's good to have you on, brother.

Fucking hard-ass work.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, if it wasn't for him, we would not have a TeamSpeak server.

We wouldn't be able to talk all together now.

Madman, Milkman, Carlito, and CloneHomeGrown, and the Warrior all together.

We need to do some pranks, Carlito. Let's do it.

That's right. We'll do that now.

Fuck you, bitch.

Whatever you say, man.

Hang on. Here comes another prank call.

We're

calling the 24-hour dentist.

Milkman, you behave over there.

Be good.

Hey man, this is a great cookie.

Thank you, darling.

He's a pubic hair.

I can read public hairs.

Hey man, what's up, brother?

Hello?

Hey, can you speak up for me, please? It's really hard to hear you, brother.

Yeah, is this a 24-hour helpline for the church?

My brother, I need help, but I can barely hear you, sir.

Can you speak up a little bit for me? I'm a little hard of hearing.

Go ahead. What is your situation?

My situation is I just had sexual relations outside of my marriage, and I'm a sinner, and I'm afraid I'm going to go to hell.

Can you please help me?

I'm from the First Baptist Church of Rockford, Illinois.

But it was with a man.

With a man.

So it's okay to have sex with men?

It's an abomination. An abomination is ritually unclean.

But it means I'm going to hell.

No. How do I clean myself?

Begin with sex with anyone, period.

It may not be the best thing to do.

It may be unwise.

It is not sin.

It's your body, your sin.

That does not mean that everything you do with it may be the best thing.

Can you please speak up, brother?

It's really hard to hear you.

No, I can't speak up because there are people asleep here,

and I'm not going to wake up the entire house just so you can hear me.

What kind of bullshit line is this?

How are you supposed to help me?

Look, sir, I had sex with a man

I was in a public bathroom at the park

And he looked over at me

And we did it right there

His name was Dave

And this is Dave

And we need to be atoned for our sins

Exactly

We're sorry

And Brother Paul told me to give you a call

Immediately that you would help me

And in Jesus' name, I command you to help me

That's it

Now, do you turn your back to your fellow man?

When I was naked, did you not clothe me?

Huh? Well, speak up then, sir.

I can't speak up.

I command you in Jesus' name to speak up.

Don't hang up on me. You're going to hell.

It's very hard to hear you, sir.

Come on, man.

Turn on all the lights and tell everybody to wake up and pray for me.

Come on, man. I'm going to hell.

We need your help. We did a bad thing.

We did a bad thing, man.

I could hear someone feeding you every line that you're saying.

No, he's right next to me.

No, sir. I am the man that he violated.

He did a bad thing.

I was at the urinal.

Yeah.

Yeah, please.

Let me talk.

Go ahead.

We need to be atoned for our sins, sir.

He reached over the urinal.

He touched me in the urinal.

Please help us.

Brother Michael, are you there?

Brother Nyquil.

He's gone.

Clear the line.

I'm trying.

Man Man's insisting that I continue the show.

You've got to continue, man.

Everybody's still here listening to us.

We've got one.

How many beers have we drunk tonight?

You got any bottles there?

One.

We've got about two bottles of beer left in the whole package.

Are you serious?

You've gone through 18 beers.

Wow.

That's nine apiece.

That's nothing.

That's how you do it.

That's nothing.

Yeah.

Where's the bowl at?

I'm on shot number 13, Carlito.

Chief, if it's the last shot of the night, everybody, with KDK, be ready for the last shot of the night.

We're not giving up.

We're not passing out of the keyboard.

We're going on.

Yeah, KDK would have passed out by now.

Not Zolar, though.

Zolar's a trooper.

Zolar would be here with us right now.

He would be.

He'd stay up and be the man.

Just like Milkman.

You're the man, Milkman.

Man, fix your audio problems.

It's great.

Honestly, everybody, I have one call left in me.

I'm in a madman hell.

I have one call left in me.

That's it.

Milkman and you.

I got one call left in me, dude.

I'm wasted.

One call, come on.

That's all I got left is one call.

I'll be slapping him soon, everybody.

He ain't going to slap shit.

Or he ain't going to get to the airport tomorrow, and he's fucked.

Mad man, get out another cigar and pack up a bomb.

Oh, man, he's ready to put some calls.

Whatever.

We got one call left in us.

And we have all our leaders.

Who do we have to call here?

No numbers there.

Mad Man's numbers.

That's right.

That's what we got here.

Okay, Milkman, you guys help me out here.

Mad Man and Milkman, the man's.

I sent you a shitload of numbers.

We got a locksmith.

We got a dentist.

We've got a towing service.

They're all 24-hour.

Snow removal.

Is this snowing right now in Chicago?

Call some of the drug ones and tell them you got a big problem.

Alcohol, drug abuse, treatment center, 24-hour helpline,

serving my area.

That's a toll-free number.

They can trace that.

That's the problem.

I need local numbers.

I gave you all those numbers

that didn't have toll-free numbers.

There you go.

All right.

The numbers are there.

You just got to call.

I gave you all those numbers

that didn't have toll-free numbers.

How about this 24-hour dentist, man?

You're not going to get a dentist.

I'm going to try the dentist.

Hang on.

Let me try the...

Fuck it.

Someone's calling already.

Hello.

Okay.

They were just listening to themselves.

No, but I actually...

I picked that up too quickly

To check the ID

ID didn't come through on that

And I'm not patient enough to find out who it was

So yeah whatever you say

That was their cheap idea of a prank call

Yeah well they got us

I took a big kick

Whatever

You are a donkey Mr. Bullish

We're going on

That's right

The last prank call of the night

I swear to God

The 24 hour dentist

In Chicago

Boo hoo

Bullshit

Oh man

Milkman wants us

To go on too

Maybe the dentist

Ain't gonna answer

You're gonna get

An answer in service

Let Milkman do his show

Let's call

Let's call the

Toe

Tell them that

You got your

Toe stuck

I just found

7-Eleven plumbing

Call them

Oh the god damn

800

You got stuck

In your old lady's

Ash

Whatever you say

Milkman

And that you're

Gonna need a new toe

whatever guys

24 hour dentist

coming right up

the last prank call

of the night

on manhouse radio

and be tuned

for more messages

from madman

carlito

and the milk

answering service

whatever

we'll get through

to somebody

I won't give it

until I get through

to one person

give me that phone

and I'll confirm

for shit

yeah

no

yeah

I snagged it

not my cell phone

I'll star six seven

don't worry

yeah but still

I want to sleep

the audience demands

Man, still, you've been commanded.

This is 98.6 the mile.

Did you ensure that you had the gay dentist?

There's a gay dentist, man?

Fuck that.

Get AIDS.

You know what I mean.

That's right.

Because gays have AIDS.

98.6 the mile.

Because gays have AIDS.

On 98.6 the mile.

Earth Ducks has played that rap.

This is a gay dentist.

Shut up.

I'm sorry.

Earth Ducks has played that rap one more time.

What rap?

Oh, that one?

Where did I put that?

Hang on.

Dude, don't confirm your numbers, dude.

I'm getting...

I'm out of it.

You're not giving up on this.

Hell yeah.

I got one more here I'm going to try.

Well, it's time to call, god darn it.

God damn it.

Lonesome Loser keeps sending me numbers.

You better call him, too, because he's up for us.

That asshole.

He's awake right now, and so is a lot of other people.

They're depending on us.

That asshole Lonesome Loser is sending me numbers.

You know how many listeners are depending upon you?

Fuck the listeners.

Fuck all the listeners up their fucking ass

We're gonna send the fucking praise of God

Into Carlito's gut right now

I wish every listener were dead

I wish every listener right now would die of AIDS

Yeah, yeah, yeah

All of Harry Garneria

Lonesome Loser sending in a number

For Pojo's Chicken and Ribs

In Guam

That bitch

Alright, fine, I'll call the Chicken and Ribs in Guam

What time is it, Milkman?

Yeah

Smart guy, what time is it in Milkman?

7.30

That's sweet teats

Whatever, fine, I'll call that

Are you happy now?

And your monkey boy does whatever people say

Me and Mad Max are going to have a talk after this

Yeah, that's right

But you're at 38.6, no mal

Open up and say, ah

I'm not at 38.6, I'm not

Whatever, Dr. Dre

Let me ride

It's 6.35

PCM tomorrow

In Guam

And we're going to call and place an order

Right here on 98.6 The Mouth

Don't drive home and stop right on into the madhouse

Cause we got it going on right here on 98.6 The Mouth

The Mouth

Move down

Hey man, what's up with the cherry stop?

Let me ride

This is a chicken and ribs

A chicken and ribs?

Yeah, is it grilled or roasted?

Grilled

How much sugar is in it?

Sugar?

Yeah

Sugar

No, there's none.

You don't add any sugar in it, right?

Because I'm diabetic.

Sugar in the chicken?

As for the ribs, it's actually, it's a barbecue sauce.

I just want chicken.

Did I say ribs?

I thought you said a combo of chicken and ribs.

No, I don't want no dirty combo.

That's how you guys get me.

What's your name?

Jenny.

Who's in charge?

Alana.

Alana?

Yeah.

How old is she?

I'm not sure.

Can I ask you a question about Guam?

I'm sorry?

Don't hang up on me, okay?

Okay, but let me just ask you one question about Guam without you hanging up on me.

Is that okay?

Okay.

Do you have high school here in Guam?

We have what?

High schools.

High schools in Guam.

What's that?

A high school.

What do you go to?

Yes.

Okay.

What's the name of the high school you went to?

What's it called?

Was it like Wikilawa High School or was it something else?

I go to no school.

Whatever.

I'm out of school.

Did you ever go to high school?

Oh, yes.

Okay.

Did you graduate?

Yes.

What's it called?

Southern High.

Southern High?

Yes.

Okay.

Did you ever have physical education in high school?

Yes.

Did you ever have to take a shower?

Yes.

Afterwards, you always did?

Yes.

So you got naked?

I'm sorry?

Did the other girls, like, watch you take a shower and stuff like that?

Where is this going?

Well, I'm from the States, and we didn't have to do that there.

And someone told me that the girls got naked and took a shower together in the high school,

and I wanted to find out if it was for real.

I'm serious, dude.

I'm so intrigued about girls taking showers together.

So are you serious?

All the girls in high school took showers together, too?

100%.

Oh, my fucking God.

That's so fucking hot, dude.

Enter your destination number.

That's so fucking sexy.

God damn it.

Fucking women.

You get more lesbians up there.

Jeez, you're right, right?

Shit.

But, you know, there was a story in my high school.

The soccer team lezzed out all the time in the locker room.

It was true, man.

Aw, dude.

You know what?

The soccer girls, though, the nicest legs, soccer team.

That's because they were licking their legs.

Yeah, I know.

They were all like, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, but the soccer girls, though, lezzed it out at my high school all the fucking time.

It was like an orgy in the locker room, they said, at one point.

Isn't it fucking hot, though, man?

17-year-olds just lezzing it out in the high school locker room?

You think that happened all the time, man, man?

That's kind of borderline the 17-year-old thing, but yeah, you know, those overage girls.

No, but if you were 17, is there anything wrong with you having sex with a 17-year-old if you're 17?

Yeah, see, whatever, you're afraid.

That's borderline, Carlito.

Whatever.

Prank master shit right there.

Milkman, did you ever have lesbian sex in the locker room when you were in high school?

Okay, what about the warrior?

Alright, I finally got a perfect number.

No.

Warrior, did you ever have to get naked and take a shower in front of other men in the high school shower?

No.

No?

You see, me and Warren are on the same page.

We didn't do that gay shit.

Oh yeah, that's what's wrong with this country.

Fucking showers.

Don't take a shower, everybody.

We're talking about the dirty, dirty South who never took a shower, ever.

When I was in high school, I took a shower in my privacy, my own home, by myself.

And it took a half hour.

But not after running three miles.

No.

I didn't run no three miles.

We got to...

You know what we did?

The extent of physical activity in Florida and physical education was basketball for

30 minutes, if that.

That was it.

It's hot here in Florida, man.

We don't do that much.

Fuck that shit.

Basketball.

Call that confirmed number I just sent you, then.

Whatever.

We'd run a mile.

The most we'd run is a mile.

That was it.

One mile.

That was it.

We didn't have to take a shower.

Fuck it.

Fuck it, Florida.

What the hell?

Did you go to the army or something?

No, they just taught him computers.

What are you talking about computers?

I'm going to kick all of you out of the chat room in about two seconds.

No, no, no.

Didn't I say that the other day?

Check the message.

We're going to kick you all with one command.

Do you want to see it?

Yeah, man, I can make that happen.

With one type.

Yeah, but I'm serious.

Dude, I need to end the show.

It is 4 o'clock in the morning.

I sent you a confirmed.

He just picked up just now what we were talking.

You got to call him.

This is the last number.

This isn't the last number.

I announced right now.

Now, this is the last number.

Well, call it back.

His name's Joe.

Who is his name?

Joe, where is it?

It is the Sunrise Show right here in the Madhouse.

You see that red thing that says Madman?

You click on that.

Yeah, it's here.

Joe, that's all you got for me, Joe.

What, you got a problem with that?

Yeah, what's the last name?

I don't know what the fuck his last name is.

I met him at a party.

It's Weak Sauce, Madman.

It's Weak Sauce.

Why don't you call him?

He's taking up the phone, mother fucker.

Weak fucking Sauce, man.

Shit.

Hang on, bitch.

I don't see you confirming no numbers.

This is Joe Number, everybody.

I need your number.

But I love you all, seriously.

Especially the warrior.

Dude.

Right there.

Send it in the chat room.

See it?

It's there, bitch.

Send it to me in text.

Text it, motherfucker.

What a sick fucker you don't know how to use a cell phone.

Sick motherfucker.

Buy a cell phone already.

I got a cell phone in my hand.

How do people call you when you're on vacation?

That's my man.

It's a jackass.

It's fucking, I live, I live.

I live in the 23rd century.

No.

I've got 20 hundred.

I got all these servers in my name and shit.

I'm on vacation.

And I don't even have a cell phone.

That's right.

It means I'm too cheap to have a cell phone.

I'm not too cheap, but I don't want to hear their bullshit.

Get your fucking cell phone already, man.

Ring, ring, ring, hello.

It's like the goddamn 800 number.

Whatever.

You stole your iPod.

$80.

You paid $80 for it?

You should have just taken it.

That's funny, though.

Your iPod story's funny.

Apple is funny, dude.

Apple is funny.

You know Milkman has an iPod?

It's like the first generation one.

Right, Milkman?

Milkman's got text games.

Text games.

He's got Dungeons and Dragons on his cell phone.

Text-based games.

It's words after words after words after words.

Got TXT.

It's funny.

He's got Pong.

And Milkman, if you don't have those games yet, Google them.

They're there.

Are you serious, Free?

We can download, yep.

We can even work on our video, I thought.

Now, now.

Phone card isn't working.

Sunrat services.

Like Carlito.

Live, live, live!

I'm trying, you hear this?

I'm not drawing that perfectly.

You want a different card?

The card's wrong.

The card? I'm trying.

This is a nice card.

This is Milkman's sexy card.

Give us a different card, the warrior.

Fucking warrior.

What's wrong with warrior, man?

Shit, chill your jets.

He's staying up.

I'm gonna slap him if he tries to go to bed.

He's a fucking warrior.

Making me work.

You know what?

I've been up since 8 o'clock this morning.

And you've been dealing with a bunch of lame-ass motherfuckers.

But now it's good times.

See, I got message 49.

You know what that means, right?

Fuck.

What's that mean?

Oh, man.

What if I'm up for 24 hours straight?

That's some NASA lingual right there.

I got message 49.

It's time to shut down all the engines.

I don't know what the fuck's going to happen.

Here we go.

I'm entering my authorization code now, everybody.

Are you serious?

We killed this phone card already?

This is having insufficient funds.

Hang on.

We're going to try it one more time.

Dude, it's a $5 card, man.

I killed it, I guess.

I think there's visionary problems going on.

I don't understand.

They've done some shitty deals on...

The guy was talking to me.

Me?

No, that guy was talking to me.

He was talking to who?

He was talking to us.

Let's do it.

He talked to me.

Let's talk to him.

He talked to me, man.

What'd he say?

Who's here in the chatroom?

Who's in the chatroom still?

Man, the chatroom's packed, dude.

Earthdog says, wake up, Andy.

I think that's a good idea.

I can't.

Do it.

Andy's another

You know what

He's union now

But he needs a wake up call

Andy's another guy

Who doesn't have a cell phone

Because he doesn't believe in him

He's got his dad's number

Little Evil Neo

Yeah man

The Warrior

Warrior

Whatever

J-Pilot

Moon Man

I'm out of it

I can't

That's it

I'm done

I said I'm done

Milkman take us out of here

He's not done

He can't do it

I can't

I give up

Milkman you can't let him go

That's right, everybody.

Stay tuned.

Sunrise services performed by our minister of the madhouse, Carlito.

Oh, shit.

You guys want me to call KDK?

Roll the next call, madman.

Shut up.

You guys want to call KDK?

Yes, do it.

All right.

If that's what it's come down to, KDK will implore us for hours.

He's not awake.

He's asleep.

He's going to be really pissed off.

No, he won't be pissed.

Yeah, he will.

He's got psychobabble, man.

He'll talk his R-Ears off.

Whatever.

I'm going to call KDK.

That's it.

Hey, what's wrong with union?

Union?

There's nothing wrong with union.

Are you union, dude?

Everybody thinks we're talking shit just because we mentioned something.

Yes, I'm union.

What union are you?

Salt Head.

The Teamsters.

Salt Head back.

You're a Teamster?

Are you for real?

Yeah, I'm a Teamster.

Everything wrong with this country is because of the Teamsters.

Hey, I didn't cut a bet with you from Charlie.

Charlie's still up, man.

He's looking for a call, Carly, though.

Who the fuck is Charlie?

Who's Charlie?

Charlie who?

I don't know, Charlie.

Who's Charlie?

Charlie?

Charlie's the guy that you did the phone baptism service, man.

He's messaging people.

He's looking for people to talk to.

Huh?

Still?

Didn't we have him outside looking at the stars?

Fucking end.

The guy in Nebraska.

The old guy.

I don't give a shit.

I don't give a shit about all of you.

You're a piece of shit.

Yeah, right.

Milkman, you're a piece of shit.

For anybody to call him.

Fuck you, motherfucker.

Sweet Jesus.

It's about time for you to sleep.

He said, please sit.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, bitch.

I need molestation.

Fuck you man

Fuck you

You know what

Fuck you man

Yeah

Not you

Mad Milkman

Fuck you Milkman

You know what

You're fired

Carlito

What you're fired

I don't want you on the show

You can't let go of Milkman

He's gotta do the shout out

I know

Milkman's gotta do the shout out

We can't end the show

Without Milkman

We gotta keep going

Right Milkman

Take us out of here man

I'm done

That's right

I'm done

I'll end the show

You're not done

I'll end the show

Hey, Madman, Charlie needs a call.

Fuck it, that's it, we're done.

I don't have the cell phone.

I'd call him, but we can't hear it online.

That's it.

Oh, come on, Kyle.

Lay it out.

God damn it.

Milkman, damn it.

Either you take us out of here proper, or I'm going to end the show.

All right, Milkman.

I guess you have to do it.

I guess.

Take us out of here, Milkman, or I'm going to kill you.

Aren't you going to call Charlie?

He's begging right now.

I already called him, man.

Five minutes.

Call Charlie, and that's it.

I already called him.

Come on.

No, he just called.

Son of a bitch.

Damn it.

5 minutes and show that you can do that

Come on let's do it

5 minutes

Just like the crazy motherfucker should be next time

Give him 5 minutes and that's it

5 minutes of show

What the hell am I going to do 5 minutes of show

Oh Jesus

I don't know who to call

There's no one here

Milkman just told you to call Charlie

Call that one dude

He always calls

Call me

I like warrior

Pastor Malkigie, please call me.

We're all right.

Nobody wants you to give up.

That crazy fucker, dude.

They all want you to keep going.

Get him going on politics.

He's asleep by now, the faggot.

He's a bitch.

He needs to make amends with his priest.

Okay, this is the last.

J-Bob is probably prankmaster.

Everybody shut up.

Shut up.

This is the absolute last call of the night.

I don't want to hear any more shit from you people after I do it.

So, Milkman, you get your shit ready.

Have your song ready.

You shut up.

You're getting shit no matter what.

What, you shut up?

Mad Men, shut up.

God damn it.

And the Warriors are going to shut up, and DTT is going to shut up, and the chat room

is going to shut up, and everybody is going to shut up.

Nobody is fucking shutting up.

We're still going, and this is a prank call show.

God damn it.

Bullshit.

Earth Dog is going to shut up, too.

I don't want to see Earth Dog in the chat room anymore.

Oh, man, I'm going to poop.

Great.

You know what?

Forget it.

That's it.

We're over.

We're done.

There you go.

Thank you, everybody.

Yeah, that's right.

You got a mangina now, do you?

If Milkman leaves, I'm going to end the show.

Milkman's not going anywhere.

What are you talking about?

I don't know.

He's got to take a shit because he has a vagina.

Yeah, he's going to be back.

He's got a vagina between his...

You just keep the show rolling.

He's got a vagina between his legs, everybody.

I think DTT's calling us here, is it?

I don't know.

Some gate.

Who is it?

212.

Yeah.

Hello, John Maddow.

Hello, New York Police.

Speak your word or I'm going to destroy you.

Yeah, all right.

Who the shit is this?

I'm going to destroy you.

What?

Hey.

You're on the madhouse.

Can we hear it from you?

Yeah, come on.

Who is it?

I got poop.

Who?

Oh, Jesus.

You got ten seconds.

I'm gonna hang up on you.

I swear to God.

Identify yourself.

I don't have time for this.

Nine.

Bloody hell, punk.

He just fucking hangs up.

Stop with the gayness.

Wasting my time.

That makes me want to end the show earlier.

If you don't forget it, we're done.

Fuck that.

You gotta keep going.

Whatever.

If you want to call me, call up Prankmaster.

If you want to call some funny motherfuckers, you call Madhouse.

We got so many numbers we can call, Carlito.

We can't end the show.

We don't have that many numbers, man.

We got lots of numbers.

We got a shit number of numbers.

We got a lot of numbers.

That's right.

Sunrise Services right here in the madhouse.

Whatever.

Yeah, Milkman's not quitting on us either.

Milkman, you son of a bitch.

I'm going to end the show without you.

If I have to, this is the last fucking number of the night.

God damn it.

Let me look and see what we got.

Jonathan.

The Fist of Fury is coming, everybody.

The service is right here with Pastor Malkeegy.

Jesus Christ.

You assholes.

All of you.

I'm so happy Madman's leaving tomorrow.

On 98.6.

Lord Spoon, what number is this?

Jonathan's number.

Bullshit.

We called it already.

Jonathan, we called his gay-ass cheeseburger.

He didn't call.

Lonesome Lucious is asleep.

He sent one last number here to us.

I just sent his number to you.

All right, Seth, shut up.

Lonesome Lucious' last number was a half hour ago.

Colt sent in a number.

He just called and left messages.

I don't care.

What's this about have faith?

You're going to get cured from your cancer.

Come on, Carlito.

You've got to have faith.

He doesn't have faith.

Go outside and look at the stars.

It's beautiful.

This is the last number from Lonesome Loser.

The last fucking prank call.

And then, Milkman, I swear to God, if you don't end the show, I'm going to kill you.

And I'm going to end the show and you'll never be on again.

Milkman, I got your back.

I got your back, Milkman.

I got the leather sledgehammer going.

Shut up.

All of you shut up.

I can cut your mic off too

Fuck you

House of Brutus

I don't know what the fuck

This is the house of Brutus

This is the last fucking

Call of the number

Of the night

The call of the number

Of the night

The number of the call

Tonight

Why do you guys want me

To keep doing this show

When I'm obviously fucked up

Because you're the fucking man

I'm drunk off my ass

And I can't talk anymore

And I'm tired

It's all good

You just got a little

Head rest going man

You're the fucking man

I'm going on fucking

24 hours without sleeping

What do you think? Milkman, don't you have to work tomorrow?

He's got to work, but he slept three hours.

Yeah, man. You're irresponsible like my girlfriend.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

I'm sorry.

I really hope she's not listening tonight.

I think she's asleep.

Let's call that 100-pound pounder.

She'd knock your ass out if she wasn't.

Let's call that one girl.

Man, that girl.

Fucking showers, for real? Are you serious?

Yeah, dude.

They saw each other in the shower?

Okay, look, like I was saying earlier,

There's up north and there's the dirty, dirty south.

Yeah, but I'm just thinking about the girls taking showers together in high school, man.

That's how there's so many lesbians.

God damn it.

That's fucking hot.

They're like, ooh, you've got a nice body.

That never happens here, man.

God.

Slippery one.

Wet.

Whatever.

So Sweet Kisses took a shower with another girl for a while.

Wet for a while.

Redhead.

I gotta ask Athena.

She took a shower in front of another girl.

I smoke weed in the showers, man.

Wow.

They got exhaust fans that suck out.

That's a good idea.

Just like auto mechanics class.

Auto mechanics class?

Wow.

Whatever.

See, in high school for me, I was in football, so we always had to do weightlifting in our

elective class, so I never had to...

Auto mechanics was the best because they had the high suction ones that would go right

on the exhaust pipes of the cars, and you could just lay right underneath there on

your creeper and just blaze it up.

Smoke all throughout class while you're twisting.

Man.

Well, I'll play for the football team.

We got all the pussy.

Only the people that didn't take classes or were, like, dummies were taking, like, gym, man.

It was like an elective, man.

Like, if you didn't want to do anything and really go to school or anything, you just took gym.

You know, those idiots that had, like, gym three periods a day.

So why?

Why'd you take agriculture?

I was taking gym since, like, ninth grade.

So why'd you take agriculture?

Gym was like that, too, man.

No, for me, I took, no, I, you know, and, hey.

No, I graduated with extra credits, man.

In Florida?

I gave you like eight extra credits, man.

That's because you had two gym classes.

I had French.

I took Spanish, psychology.

Gay, gay, gay.

All the math, all the science.

Here's the story with me.

Everything they had, man.

Shut up.

In high school, I had to take, all we were required to take was one year, was one year,

one class of PE class.

I took that half a year.

That's it for me, ninth grade.

And I took it right out of the way.

And then after that, my senior year, we took a class.

that was called physical education

that was called personal health

and we got to

they bused us out to the bowling alley

once a week and we got to

bowl for like three hours and that was

the whole class and other than that

we just hung out

get baked and go bowling

no seriously we did get baked and go bowling

but I played football the rest of the time

get bowled and no bowl

my electives seriously were like

I did journalism one year

that was pretty much we hung out

and planned the newspaper and the yearbook.

And TV productions one year, and the other year I forget nothing.

After that, it was all weightlifting for football.

That was all we did.

Fucking whatever, man.

Football's the way to go.

All you kids out there listening still, play football.

Anyway, the last prank all night is coming right up.

Hell yeah, man.

I was a center and the net guard, man.

Yeah, I was a defensive tackle.

And then I wrestled all winter, man, and weightlifted.

Man, and what did you play in football?

football? Would you play football

in high school? No. No answer

for Madman. Madman's too skinny to play football.

What? I was a bruiser, man.

I don't know. I played...

I was so fast, they put me in to be the same.

I was a left guard and a nose tackle.

That's what I'm talking about. See, this is

the football show, man.

I almost played football.

Yo, but the Bears, dude, what's up with the Bears losing to the

Dolphins, man? Yeah, man, they first lost the

whole season. Fucking shit, man. You better watch it, man.

To those faggot Dolphins, too, man.

That's bullshit. The only reason the Dolphins

has won is because

every, well, I can't

say the only one.

I agree.

They were mad because

everybody was saying

they were going to

lose because the

Bears were undefeated,

but they stood up

for themselves.

That's bullshit.

They threw down a

good game.

Yeah, but how about

the Colts, baby?

The Colts, the only

undefeated team, right?

Now we're talking

about undefeated.

That's bullshit, man.

The Bears are going

to win the Super Bowl.

This is the second

year in a row the

Colts won 8-0.

That's bullshit.

The Bears should

still be undefeated,

man.

The Bears only

are fucking bullshit.

Yeah, well, watch

out.

The Colts are going to kick some ass.

Because everybody thought Miami was going to lose.

It was all Miami.

Miami defended their undefeated record.

Everybody's pro, and everybody gets paid.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

The only team in the history of the NFL that's gotten undefeated through the Super Bowl is the Dolphins, right?

Is that correct?

I think so.

So they defended that.

That's all they got, right?

They were just mad that everybody thought they were going to lose.

Bears.

Fucking Bears, man.

They're awesome.

No, fucking Dolphins, I mean to say, man.

Bears are good, but you know what?

They got a new quarterback.

I hate Miami, I hate the Dolphins, I hate the City of Miami, I hate the Miami Heat,

I hate the Florida Panthers, and I hate the fucking Florida Marlins.

I don't give a shit.

But the fucking Colts rock.

I'll take a Cuban right now and I'll shoot him right in the fucking temple.

Milkman, you think the Colts are going all the way this year or what?

Fucking no.

Yeah.

Cole, Milkman's got the Colts going all the way this year.

Wow.

Traitor.

You're a traitor, Madman.

You're a Bears fan, man.

What's going on with you?

This controversy is a madhouse, Carlito.

Controversy, apparently.

You're a fucking fair-weather fan.

That's all I got to say.

Andy wouldn't say that.

You got to open up.

Andy's union.

He conforms.

Andy doesn't turn on the bears.

He's union.

He conforms.

Whatever.

Andy's a man.

You got to go with that union salary.

Whatever.

You and the warrior.

Andy and the warrior are true fans.

Andy, man.

He is in a convoy.

He's driving a truck.

And we got a big old convoy.

Whatever.

We got a big old truck and convoy.

10-4, good buddy.

Bunch of Sally's here in the madhouse.

Except for me and the warrior.

The only true men on here are the warrior, man.

Warrior, say give me a good man hoorah.

That's a good comment for being slapped later, Carly.

Oh, yeah.

Whatever.

Hoorah.

Semper Fi, everybody.

I'm going to drive my truck.

10-4, good buddy.

82nd Airborne.

This wife is Annie on the back of my belt.

Whatever.

This is the last fucking prank call

I don't want to hear any shit from any of you all

This is it

We're ready to do some damn prank calls

I thought I said shut up Milkman

I thought I told you to shut up

This is the sunrise services

Whatever

Right here in the madhouse

Everybody shut up

Here's my favorite song in history of the world

Wu-Tang Clan

Wu-Tang

Killing me man

All you faggots are killing me

Hey, every single one of you down there will do the fucking rest.

Until Milkman goes to sleep, please sleep.

Because Milkman has to work tomorrow.

You know what I mean?

Milkman's going to lose his job tomorrow.

He will not leave me out.

Milkman's going to lose his job tomorrow.

Milkman will be all right.

Milkman, you're unemployed.

Milkman will be all right.

He's good.

He'll be all right.

Don't you have to work tomorrow, Carlito?

No, he doesn't.

Fuck that.

I got the day off, motherfucker.

We're going out tomorrow, man.

We're all off tomorrow.

And we're going to have time alone with the other server owners of Laziness.

You know what?

We're doing another hour of show at night, everybody.

Yay!

Because Milkman's going to lose his job.

That faggot.

That faggot Milkman.

Everybody who's tired and can't keep up with us, just go to bed.

It doesn't matter.

You're a bunch of faggots.

Why do you keep doing show?

Anybody who goes to sleep is a faggot bitch.

Especially you, DTT.

Look at DTT in the shower.

DTT, I cannot

I cannot take it anymore

DTT, take some awake pills

Come on, you can do it

DTT is going nuts

One more pre-call

I will not take it

Okay, I'm sorry, DTT, I love you, man

Hang on, anyway

You better not

I take one more beer and I'm dead

That's all that's left, let's do it

Are you serious?

There's one more beer left?

There's all this left.

We got one more beer left.

Let's finish this case.

Holy shit, dude.

We might as well.

We're down to one beer.

And I'll slap you if you fall asleep.

It's all good.

We already played that song.

I can't play it again.

One beer left.

We'll be right back, folks.

The last prank call of the night.

Don't fuck with me.

Don't let me eat pussy shit.

My service right here on the mat.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you, Warrior.

Stay tuned, Sweet Kisses.

We got tons more.

Shut up.

Warrior, thank you for the phone card, dude.

Honestly.

Keepin' us workin'.

Yeah, and T-Speak, too.

Did you really kill off that phone card at Sanctum, man?

Who the fuck was I callin'?

Dennis.

I'm callin' the fuckin' mocks, man.

Gay.

I'm just gonna talk shit about people for the next half hour.

About how much the kitty kids are fuckin' gay.

It didn't work.

It just hung up on me.

You know what?

Fuck it.

Take us outta here, and I'm gonna talk shit about people for a few minutes, and we're

gonna-

Did you kill that card off at Sanctum already?

ready? No, they hung up on me.

Just take us out of here, god damn it.

Take us out of here. Okay, dial the number again.

It's 1-888. No, no, no,

no. Take us out of here.

Hey, you don't want to piss off Madman.

Madman doesn't care. He gave up, too.

We gotta get going. I'm gonna

talk shit about people for a while. Lies, lies,

lies, all lies. Whatever, yeah,

but when Madman wants the show to continue,

but when the mic's on mute,

Madman says another story.

You know what, people? We need to end the show,

because tomorrow, me and Carly will have a full day of fun.

That's right, and I'm going to cheat on the funeral tomorrow.

Oh, my God.

Anyway.

Oh, you're going to catch up with that blonde-haired girl, Savannah, huh?

I don't give a shit.

I'm about to book a flight to Savannah, Georgia tomorrow.

Milkman, I did a lot of skating while I was down here.

I heard the weather in Savannah is going to be musty tomorrow, and I'm going to be there.

So come on, dude, seriously.

Take us out of here.

We're not going to end the show yet.

Yeah, Milkman, wrap us up, and we'll talk some shit about people for a while, and then we'll end it, all right?

Let's do it.

All right.

Batman, did you get any videos this time?

Nope.

No.

We left his camera in his...

Just digital pictures.

It's in his vagina.

Go.

Oh, cool, man.

I want to see some good shit, man.

Milkman, we want our shout-outs.

Looks like we're going to be heading that-a-way very soon.

I'd like to thank everybody for tuning in to the special Sunrise Services right here on Madhouse.

Also, there's 98.6 the mouse.

I'd like to give a big thank out to our buddy, Mr. Madman,

who features our IRC chat room right here on PCUlazy.net-DE,

where you can knock somebody's teeth out, come back, and shake hands later

if your band gets lifted.

That's right, right here in IRC.

Hang on.

Hang on, Milkman.

Hang on.

Milkman, hang on.

Hang on.

We got breaking news.

Milkman, sorry about that.

We're six minutes from 420.

Go ahead.

Yeah, baby.

All right.

So I'd like to thank Mr. Madman for all the wonderful things he does right there.

Thank you so much for keeping up this great server here.

He's mad, man.

He got going for us.

He's talking about you, Madman.

We love you too, Milkman.

Yeah, whatever you say, Milkman.

And cool.

Also, I'd like to thank Dr. Leggo.

He gives us a wonderful stream here that we may pick with your ear balls.

All fans who go around this gigantic, small planet we call Earth,

narrowing these perspectives with the Internet,

right here with this wonderful stream on PCU.

Thanks a lot, Dr. Leggo.

Also, I'd like to thank KDK.

That's right, our mentor, our Cerebro of the Prank World,

the man with the vision, the plan,

who came up with this wonderful community and concept called PCURadio.com.

Thanks a lot, Mr. KDK.

Yeah, KDK.

For having the noble insight to realize that one day the madhouse would take over the internet alongside with KDK.

Yes, that guy.

Thanks a lot, KDK.

Also, I'd like to thank our fearless leader in the madhouse, our pastor, our hit, our fondling preacher, Carlito.

Yeah.

Thank you so much, Carlito, for playing this show to us every week, man.

Carlito.

You pay money every week.

I do?

Yeah, I do.

For our interactive pleasures.

Right.

Yes, that's right.

It's not free, but you do provide the services.

No one cares.

And thank you so much for all that you do.

I'll see you this leader.

If you look at the chat room, you can see that they care.

Our commander of the militia.

Yeah, that's right.

Carlito in the madhouse.

Thank you, Carlito.

For everything you do.

Thank you, Carlito.

All right, Carlito.

Yeah, man.

Thanks a lot to our big brother, Edelman.

Also, I'd like to thank the hardest working man in PCU, the Lonesome Loser.

He's still out there, too.

My God, without the Lonesome Loser, he's a duct tape of you.

He makes it all hold together and sticks it all together.

Yeah.

What would we do without the Lonesome Loser?

We'd die.

We'd do a lot less and do a lot more bum numbers.

Thank God for the Lunch of Loser.

That guy.

We sure do love you, man.

That guy.

Peace.

Yeah.

My darling, my angel, and sending in all those good numbers.

Thanks a lot.

We sure do love you.

Also, baby puppy cat, baby parrot.

Baby puppy cat.

Puppy parrot.

Sweet kisses.

We love you, too.

We're so glad that you called in and sent some numbers in.

Thanks a lot for being out there in our audience.

We sure do love you all.

That's true.

Also, I'd like to thank you, our listeners.

That's right.

It's all about you because without you, we wouldn't have anything to do.

That's right.

We bring this every week for your listening pleasures.

It don't cost you a dime.

We drop the dime.

All you got to do is put in the time and tune in and enjoy yourselves.

Thank you so much to all our listeners.

We love you.

Keep tuning in and joining us here in the Madhouse.

And stay tuned for a lot of variety of entertainment to be found here on this same back channel.

We're going to rant and rave about that.

Zolar's got a fantastic show coming out tomorrow.

So stay tuned for all you crazy Zolar freaks.

420, 20 seconds.

And in any case, we'll have an action-packed, exciting show on Saturday.

So anytime you need some entertainment, just Ted Webb has increased our rotation and increased the variety.

Thank you, Ted.

You don't hear a single call repeated any time in 145 hours straight with this new rotation.

Ted is the man.

Ted does a goddamn good motherfucking job.

Fucking Ted does a goddamn good job.

That's right, man.

He is the master, and he is back, and he's back in a big way.

Thank God for Ted for sticking around.

Is that it?

We sure love you, man.

We good?

Is that it?

You covered?

You got that insurance, kid?

I just got this about everybody.

Oh, yes.

I said I'd like to thank Sweet Kisses.

Hang on, hang on.

We got cookies and milks.

Oh, my God, those are really good.

Thanks a lot, baby doll.

Sweet things.

Hang on, Milkman.

Everybody get a little bit of rest.

Doobie, because it's time for the madhouse to go into the after-party burnout session.

Well, hey, hang on.

Before we miss it.

We're not giving up yet.

God damn it.

Before we miss it, son of a bitch.

Before we miss it.

It's 420, Milkman.

It's 420, everybody, man.

And we're hitting the weed.

We got to talk some shit, man.

It's 420.

We're not giving up yet.

We got some shit to talk.

You know, it's like the, it's the, it's the KDK.

Hell yeah, we're lighting it up right now, man.

Party afterburn.

Hell yeah, man.

Milkman, light, spark it up, man.

All right, everybody, get out your dupes and light up your bowls, cause it's 420.

420, everybody.

That's right.

All right, 420 has arrived.

Time to take up a big fog.

Milkman, tell me you wouldn't smoke it.

Look, but tell me you wouldn't toke up if you had the opportunity to tonight.

If you were here tonight.

One day I'd toke up, I would toke up the purple kush.

Hell yeah.

If only he had the hooks.

That's right.

That's my favorite.

Afghani purple kush and then Jamaican green green.

Oh yeah, man.

Those are my two favorites, man.

Legalize it, right?

Madman agrees.

I agree.

Oh, yeah, Ed Rosenthal, your local chapter of NOW, and by...

NOW? National Organization of Women?

No.

No, they're legalizing it.

Normal, man.

You crazy guys.

The National Organization of the Reform of Marijuana Laws.

With an L.

Normal.

Let me tell you something.

That's what I just said.

Let me tell you something.

I just, I'm back into college right now.

I'm back in the university level, finally.

And I plan, the first thing I do to plan, the first association on the campus I plan to join.

Normal.

No.

Normal.

They have their annual car wash every October.

That's what I'm saying right there, man.

Hell yeah.

That was a psychedelic message right there.

It's a psychedelic message.

Oh, you're nice.

Oh, not for the list.

I've been having that.

The union of prank callers.

Who do I have to thank?

Thank everybody who called in tonight.

Who called in?

Jonathan, them white girls.

Some white girls called in.

From Rockford.

From Rockford, Illinois.

I want to thank Jonathan, right?

And DTT.

DTT.

DTT, a little upset, but he called in, man.

Super fan extraordinaire.

Crazy fucker was on the phone tonight.

We also had Zolar.

Zolar, who will be on tomorrow night, Friday night at 10 p.m. Eastern.

And we also have Ted, Big Ted, Ted Jones, Milkman Can't Hear, Man Man Can't Hear, My Face, Take My Ears Off, yes.

Call KDK.

Call KDK, I'll try to call him.

Put the ear goggles on, son.

Where's my cell phone? I got his number in there.

Provide me with a cell phone, sir.

We have a request, the last prank call of the night again.

You know what, this is going to last an hour.

Right now it's 420

And at work

They're like 8 minutes behind

It's 420 right now at work

Hell yeah man

We need to play another weed song

420 is still upon us

What's a sip and get high

Is that a legitimate weed song

No okay

Is it really

What else can I play here by getting high

We just played I want to get high

Here we go

Try a new orange glow.

That's right, orange glow.

Cleans anything.

You guys are crazy.

I'm not calling fucking KDK.

Why not?

Because he'll get pissed off.

No, he won't.

Jesus, don't call him.

Call him.

Jesus Christ.

Don't be a man giant.

It's 5 a.m. now.

Don't get pissed off.

The one where the guy had the dyke living with him.

This is his station, god damn it.

We got to say thank you, KDK.

We love you.

We just said it.

Thank you, KDK.

I got to be the mature one here.

And KDK, thank you.

Who was called in?

Is that it?

We had some white girls calling in.

Jonathan?

Carlito is pussying out.

So are...

Yeah.

Call Ped back.

He's got a big house.

Oh, no.

No, we're done with that.

We're done with the fall.

No, we can't give up.

Call Ped.

He's still awake, man.

He's anxiously awake to say goodnight.

You know what's funny as shit?

KDK?

Fall says, call KDK.

Tell him how much he sucks.

Ha ha.

That's funny.

Call KDK, you can't say no, Carlito.

I'm imploring you.

I'm not going to wake KDK up at this time of night, man.

Hold on, let me warm up my hand.

know Madman doesn't like KDK.

I like KDK. What are you talking about?

I know Milkman... KDK is awesome. If it wasn't for KDK,

none of this would be here right now.

I know DTT. DTT hates KDK

and Milkman hates KDK

and all of you hate KDK.

Call DTT. Fuck DT.

No, no.

We want him to be...

Now we want him to run the...

No, that's it.

We want him to be our representative, man.

That's it, man.

We want him to take over the place for John Bolton in the U.N.

Whatever.

You know who pisses me off is Dr. Lego.

I ordered him to call tonight, and he didn't follow my orders.

He better call.

Zohar called in tonight.

What the hell happened to that homo-grab?

If Dr. Lego doesn't call, we're switching to Ted's stream.

I spoke to him online this afternoon.

He said, oh, yeah, I'll call in, bro.

He didn't call in.

He's an asshole.

That's it.

We're switching over to Ted's stream.

At least I can set up an IRC server.

Well, we got Ted.

Yeah.

I've been trying for weeks and weeks and weeks to set up an IRC series with Dr. Legos.

Are you serious?

No avail.

Dr. Legos, he's nothing.

Dr. Legos is an ass bag.

I told him I'd even make it prank the world.

Dr. Legos is an ass bag.

What the hell happened to Dr. Galo?

Dr. Legos is an ass bag.

He's a horse's ass.

He's an ass bag.

Who the hell is Galo's problem?

I mean, Legos' problem.

He's an ass bag.

I just told you, he's an ass bag.

He said, you know what he told me, honestly, today?

Today he said, honestly, bro, I'm done with prank calls for a while.

No offense, I'm done with prank calls, he told me.

And so exactly what he said, he just jumped.

That's weak sauce.

That is weak sauce, man.

That's a Lego zone with prank calls.

You know what we need to do?

We need to talk about Kim.

Kim.

That's what will get him on the air right there.

Wow, man.

Do you think Kim ever took a shower?

What the hell is that, a holiday shower?

I don't know about that.

In high school, she was 16, 17, 18.

You know what?

I think they bathed in mud.

19 years old?

What's up with a 19-year-old taking a shower with another girl?

That's nice, right?

Milkman, come on.

What about 19 years old?

Is that okay?

As long as it's not a 9-year-old on a blue raft.

Milkman, would you do a 19-year-old girl?

Be honest.

That's legal.

Hell no, man.

Why not?

That's legal.

Are you crazy?

Wait a minute.

What's wrong with that?

19-year-old girl?

19-year-old girl is legal, Milkman.

It's legal, man.

What's wrong with that?

What's wrong with a 19-year-old girl?

Yeah, man, but...

How old are you?

Man, I already did all that.

I got sweet kisses.

I've made a big step up

How old's old Fall over here?

28? 25?

25 years old?

He's like 35 man

35? 25?

My sources say 25 years old

Fall is

26 she says

She says she's 26 dude

She's 35 man

Respect the woman

She's 26 years old

So Fall

Let us know in the chat room

35, dude.

She put it in the chat one night.

She just said right now 26, dude.

She's younger than me.

Oh, bullshit.

I don't know.

Anybody seen a picture of her?

She's got the attitude of a 50-year-old anyway.

1 to 10.

1 to 10, my source.

What do you say?

1 to 10?

Fall said 0.

0 to 35, I'm telling you.

I don't know.

I heard fall's a 7.

She's 35 and she's gone 50.

Wait, my source said a 7?

I don't know, man.

Sources?

Sources out there are telling me.

Ever since her and the dead broke up, she's just gotten just sour on life, man.

You want to piss off a girl, you tell her she's 35, but she's 26.

That's all I got to say, Milkman.

You better watch your mouth.

She'll get you banned.

She's in tight with Mad Men.

That's funny.

She's mad because she's shy.

She is out for blood.

Since the dead dropped her, ever since the dead dumped her, she is out for blood, man.

The dead just fucked.

The dead just are the same old moron he always is.

And shit like that

The dad's only girlfriend

He didn't know what to say

But you want to

Yeah you bitch

He just wanted to use her man

For a night

Fall just wanted to talk to the dad

And be nice to the dad

And the dad was all

Skeptical of it

And was meaner

That's all it is

He's like

Fuck you Fall

You just got

Mad boy

Don't message me

If I message you Fall

I still say

One of the funniest things

I was listening to Zolar

One night

And he said

You know every night

Zolar says

I gotta listen to my messages

At the end of his show

show all the voicemails he gets and one was from the dead talking with fall on the line and then i

was like hey so what you motherfucker hey fall say hi and then fall purposely didn't say hi

like fall fall say hi you fucking bitch and he hung up right there it was like the funniest thing

that's my story about uh about the dead and fall but you know i heard that fall gave the dead phone

own sex. You know, you should call

Fall. You should call Fall

and the dead. Fall should call in.

Fall. You should call somebody.

I want to hear about the big breakup.

I want to hear what happened, man.

After the dead dumped Fall,

man, there was just all kinds

of arguing in the chat room and everything.

Yeah, there was a dirty

thing. Fall ought to come

in and clear the air

right now. I want to hear

the truth. Fall or whoever

wants to impersonate Fall, the lines

My hands are open.

You can call us at 1-888-

And explain why the dad dumped you.

1-888-278-8509.

Fall, I challenge you to call in.

The dad sent me a message saying that he dumped you.

How many beers have I had tonight?

Like, at least eight.

And besides that, he didn't want to date a 35-year-old who told everybody she was 23.

How many bottles have we got around here?

One.

Hang on, shut up.

I'm sorry, keep telling me to shut up.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13.

13 beers, Milkman.

15.

Damn, son.

16.

We got backup beer here, Miller Lite.

This is going to pale in comparison to this Michelob shit we've been drinking.

Dude, what are you...

Miller Lite.

Okay.

Dude, why don't you drink this?

Shut up.

Man, man.

Out of all these beers...

Man, it's almost beer 30.

Out of all these beers we had, okay, we had Porter.

Porter.

Okay, we had the whole line in Michelob.

We had Michelob.

Okay, what's this first one here?

Bavarian style weed, right?

All natural beer.

We had the Porter from Michelob Light.

We had the Marzen from Michelob.

We had the Pale Ale, and they had Amberbog.

What's your rating?

They were all good.

All good?

I like the Marzen myself.

The Pale Ale wasn't bad.

You can't hear nothing?

Oh, shit.

I don't know what happened there, dude.

I like brown ale, man.

There we go.

They were all good.

I liked them all.

I like dark beers, so I like the Porter the best, I think.

You like the Porter because you like dark beers, right?

That's a dark beer, though, compared to the other ones.

But honestly, there's this much darker out there, though.

What's darker?

That Holy Grail shit you had?

The Holy Grail shit was darker than that.

A lot of beers from overseas are darker than that.

I've had some shit that's called the Lion Brew.

It's like 8% alcohol for 12 fluid ounces, so it's two beers in one.

Wow.

There's all kinds of darker beers out there.

That's 16 proof beer.

Dude, if you want the best beer, man, then knock your ass down, find you some Carlsberg

Elephant Beer.

That shit's like as potent as wine, man.

It's like 11 or 12%.

Really, dude?

I've had this stuff called Sammy Claus that was 14.5% for 11.2 ounces.

That was pretty good.

Sammy Claus.

I had a beer called, oh, what was it called?

Croc Mud once, and I drank it out by the Everglades.

Whoa.

Whoa, fucking a local beer out of the Everglades down in South Florida.

No, 16.8, I want to say, or 16.6.

One of the two, 16.6 or 16.8 alcohol content.

So technically, yeah, and it was hard.

I mean, that was a hard beer to drink.

Tough.

Good beer, though.

The Santa Claus is very sweet.

It tastes like berries.

Man, you need some of that Mama Wanda shit, man.

Yeah?

Yeah, there it is.

That's what they have down here, man.

man, and get the women hot.

What it do, Milkman?

Marijuana.

God, man, we're so fucked up.

Who else?

Is there anybody else I need to call in?

I mean, I need to thank you for calling in.

We got plenty of people to call.

Thanks, Fall, for not calling.

Well, Fall is supposed to call in because she needs to explain why the dead dumped her.

I still say we call the dead or KUK as well.

Let's do this, Carly.

I'm sorry.

Find you some Carlsberg elephant beer.

Ha, Milkman talking back to himself.

It must be good shit.

It is good shit, man.

Wow.

It's a hell of a good lager.

Awkward silence.

Yeah, man.

So, yeah.

Milkman, what is your favorite beer?

I like Beck's Dark Beer, too.

Do you like a dark beer or a light beer?

I like Beck's Dark.

Beck's Dark?

I've had that before, and that's good.

You know, Amberbach, to me, is a really good beer.

Yangling.

The Yangling Auger.

The Yangling Dark Beer is good.

And I like Newcastle's ale.

Newcastle's good.

I like Grosch.

But you can't just drink that.

You have to sip that, right?

You can't drink it.

No, you can drink Newcastle's.

It's like we're drinking all this beer.

I've had a beer yet?

No, I've got a meal right here.

There's still like six left.

Newcastle's ale is good, man.

There's still like six beers left.

Smooth, man.

Wow.

Brown ale.

We're on shot number 24, and we're about out of vodka.

That faggot KDK would have given up by now, but we're still talking shit about people.

evil. So, man, who's tired

of Dr. Lego? Round and round the

table. Warrior, you're first. Go ahead.

Join in. Warrior needs to step

it up around here, man. You know, Warrior

comes in and he doesn't talk

and he's afraid to jump in

and Warrior needs to break out. Warrior's too

damn cheap to buy headphones.

You know what? It's a shame that the people were talking shit

about him. I bought a headphone. I hear it on the replay.

You know? Yeah. Warrior, you got

headphones, right? Cost me 15 bucks.

Okay, so what are you talking about?

What are your thoughts on KDK?

too whiny be honest he's not listening it's okay they're okay it's a madhouse

you see too whiny right there warrior said right there too whiny that's what i say he gets a little

too whiny sometimes but i support him milkman be honest what do you feel about kdk sometimes with

that that that way way stuff kdk loves to bitch me out man he kind of dissed you the other day

because like yeah he's on the punching bag because you know everybody else in there you know get all

pissy and shit and i think it's kind of funny actually because they don't really fucking make

a shit to me man yeah so i just kind of let him vent and stuff but usually he ends up bitching

about me for something blaming me for something one week he's blaming me for popping the stream

up and down and fuck i don't got the codes yeah awkward silence you know what and also i get

blame for anything that goes wrong in the chat

room. That's it. I'm done.

Well, that's alright. I'm done.

I just felt that you knew when you get to the point

Yeah, you know, we're getting comments.

When you get that feeling. They gotta be dicks.

You know? You know, Milkman,

thanks for making it awkward. You know?

Thanks for pulling your dick out in front of everybody.

I'm playing. But seriously, dude.

Wow. KDK.

Do I love KDK? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, man. We all love KDK.

KDK, Zola, anybody.

He just likes to give shit sometimes

Who am I going to call?

And that's why I'm talking and joking around

Because this party is bad

He likes to throw out some shit

And see who takes a bite

Who can I drunk dial?

We can drunk dial Adelphia Cable

We can drunk dial my old boss

I got his number

We can drunk dial Andy's brother

Drunk dial Andy or the host?

We can drunk dial the mall

That's too late

We can drunk dial Athena, she's sleeping

We can drunk down Brandon Vegas.

I have his number saved here.

Wake him up.

I got my old phone service.

I got the white boy who was rapping here that one time.

I got my old...

Oh, God, that guy was disgusting.

I got this chick I hooked up with once.

I got my old apartment complex.

I got my dad.

I got KDK.

Call your old boss.

Call the old boss.

All right, you want the woman old boss?

No, they're not going to pick up.

We got to get someone else to pick up.

Yeah, that one.

We got to get someone who's going to pick up.

Hang on, man.

They're sleeping.

We got the mechanic.

We got that one chick.

We got Joop's number.

Hey, I know.

Let's have a magical evening.

Call Disney.

Disney?

Hell yeah.

Okay.

You win.

You win, motherfucker.

I didn't.

Have a magical evening.

What's the number to the Disney World, man?

What's the number to Disney World, I said?

Hey, man.

God damn, I didn't even get Orlando's phone number.

You know, it's taking too fucking long.

It's goddamn Disneyland.

Madman, what's going on in the chat room?

Give me a transcript.

Here we go.

What are you looking at over there?

AmericanSingles.com.

I'm looking for the contact us.

Madman trying to get some pussy on MySpace.

Come on, man.

What are you looking at?

Madman, you got a MySpace page?

Madman?

I don't got no MySpace page.

I know you do.

You got something.

Madman's underground.

Mad Men's are weird.

Okay, what information do you want?

Guest information?

Vacation packages?

Look at this guy.

It's called About Us.

Contact us.

Warrior, give me one.

Find us the phone number.

Warrior, give me one of the resorts.

I'll start naming them off.

The Swan.

Disney World, Orlando.

Lake Buena Vista.

Florida.

Orlando.

We got The Swan.

Man, man, come on.

There's some resorts out here in this fucking piss water piece of shit.

Fucking Orlando, man.

Fucking town.

I hate this fucking town and all the fucking people who live in it.

I hate driving in traffic.

There's a bunch of fucking morons.

You should come to Chicago.

We drive 100 miles an hour.

There's a bunch of too many fucking niggers here in fucking Orlando, fucking Florida,

and too many fucking immigrants, and too many people from up north.

No offense, madman, but there's too many fucking Yankees who come here.

I'm used to the dirty, dirty South.

Well, there's too many pieces of shit from New York who come down here

Or think they rule the fucking world

Alright

You know what I fucking mean

They think they know how to drive

And they think they know their shit

I wish

God damn it

They want their skyscrapers

Sometimes

I just say to myself

It's a blessing

That I don't have

A concealed weapons permit

Because I swear to God

I will shoot every motherfucker

Of them sometimes in traffic

You know what

It's a blessing

I hate driving

In traffic

It's a blessing

That you have warm weather

And a beach

That's what it's a blessing

I hate people

I hate everybody in public

I wish I could punch

I punched everybody in the face when I saw them in the face.

Knock them the fuck out.

God damn it, motherfucker.

All of you motherfuckers.

I hate you all.

What was that grin?

Yeah.

We don't want to see that bullshit.

It's 4.41.

What's the big fucking deal?

It's 4.20 somewhere.

We don't have any weed, so I'm going to just drink a beer.

What are you talking about?

It's 5.41 where Milkman lives.

It's technically, it is officially Friday where Milkman lives, right?

Well, I mean.

Picture Disney World.

With a Disney

Oh yeah

I hate that fucking place

Well you wanna go to

Disney tomorrow

And get us tickets

20 bucks man

Whatever man

I think we

We hook up with

Great gang

Fucking

We gotta do something fun

What are we gonna do tomorrow man

We're gonna smoke some jars

And drink beers

And have a good time

Is that it

I mean why

I mean you're in

Fucking Orlando

Where have you not been

In Orlando yet

I'll take you

You been to

Magic Kingdom

That's good

Ebor City

Ebor City's in Tampa

Yeah Ebor City's a good time though

I've been there

And it's a very good time

Fuck Tampa

Three block

Oh yeah man

Yeah

Tampa's completely different

From Yorke City

Especially them bitches

Get up there

Dancing on the bar tops

Without any panties on

Oh shit

You know where the

Where the bitch is sleeping

We should've fucking

Got a Tampa

Got a

Got a strip clubs dude

That's what I

You know what

I got paid today

Payday

Hey remember how

I was telling you

Where I was staying

Yeah

They have the

The good strip clubs

And you were telling me

Oh yeah

Orlando doesn't have

The good strip clubs

Well you lost them

But Tampa though

You gotta go down

To where you were

We're staying to get to go to the strip club.

Fucking Tampa, dude.

That's a Coco.

Tampa.

The Pink Pony.

Man.

That's what I'm saying right there.

You know what?

You know what the perfect weekend for me would be?

You go to Tampa.

You catch a good Bucks game against a good team like the Bears or some shit like that.

You know what I mean?

You go there on a weekend.

And you get a nice hotel room.

And you chill.

Yeah.

And you go to the strip club.

Yeah.

You know?

Guys night out.

You know what I'm saying?

This fucking woman here wouldn't let me do it, though.

I have to fly home tomorrow, but you were lucky enough to be down here in the state

of Florida, where on the 14th of this month, there's an MTV party about 30 minutes away

from you, where there's going to be all kinds of people.

Daytona?

Nope.

Cocoa?

Paradise Beach.

Where the fuck is that?

That's like 30 minutes from you.

Really?

Right on the coast.

MTV's going to be there?

Mm-hmm.

What are they doing?

Free food and free drinks.

Ha, food, fucking drinks.

What kind of foods?

And all kinds of women.

They got some barbecue?

They got it.

I don't know what they got, but they got it.

They announced on the air

Free food and free drinks

Wow

Milkman

It's going down

Milkman

Milkman you gotta fly in for this one

Come on Milkman

We're going to the fucking barbecue

MT Barbecue

I'm gonna be in the goddamn cold

Working on my car

That's what I'm talking about

Milkman's all about the barbecue

Wow man

Wow

You know we should do a barbecue

We gotta do something

I like it

We'll do something

We could've gone to Gator World

But the fucking shit burned down

We'll still go to Gator World man

There's gotta be something we can do man

I don't know

There's always something to do down here in Florida.

Yeah, Orlando's a different kind of town, though.

Orlando is nothing compared to what else.

We should go to Universal Studios.

We could go to SeaWorld.

That's gay.

SeaWorld's, you know...

Have you ever experienced anything besides Orlando?

Like what?

Because I've been down, down.

Dirty South style.

Miami.

Miami?

Oh, yeah.

Hell yeah, Miami.

All that kind of stuff.

Miami's a shit, dude.

Liberty City.

Key Biscayne.

All the beaches.

Dude, hell yeah.

Key West.

Key West is nothing like the rest of this country.

Key West is some shit.

Man, my ex-girlfriend and I, I paid for us to spend three nights in Key West.

She had nothing but bitch the whole time.

I had the greatest time.

You had the greatest time, of course, women.

Eight hours from here, though, dude.

It's not close.

Eight hours.

Hey, check your aim, Carlito.

Check my aim.

We got to make more phone calls.

Ah, shit.

That's what it's all about.

Nice try, guys.

God damn it.

Nice try.

Oh, here we go.

Disney's Animal Kingdom Lodge.

You know what?

I'm going to be staying there in February.

You feel implored to call this?

Yeah, maybe, but I'm going to be staying there.

Yeah, maybe.

You know the whole plan?

February, Disney Animal Kingdom Lodge.

Yeah.

Might happen.

It might.

That's where it's at.

It's going down.

Is that one of the songs you gave me recently?

You got the jibs right now.

What's it called?

Is it jibs?

Jibs.

He's got the chain hang low.

Is that the song?

What's the name of the song that you hooked me up with?

Hang on.

Is it going down?

It's whatever you took off the iPod, man.

Because thanks to their super protective copyright laws.

I need the title of the song.

What's the title of the song?

Yeah, boy.

That's not the one that goes, it's going down.

Oh, it's going down.

Meet Me in the Club is going down.

Young Jock.

Well, I'm going to ask you for the truth.

If you're going to do a prank call, you've got to hook me up with the fucking name.

Is anybody listening still?

35 people?

We lost 5.

Wow big fucking deal

Yeah this

In the hood

Is that the song

Jibs it's going down

Let's see

Or

Is this it

This ain't it

I don't know

I don't have the song

I guess you didn't copy that

From the pod then

Here cook it up

I don't know

We gotta go

Everybody

Nah this is over

This is over

We've talked way too much shit

I'm way too messed up

I hope you enjoyed it

If you guys fucking called in

You know right

If these people called in

If they would've called in

God damn

We might be on air

Maybe I'll still be on

But you know what

People like

DTT called in

Earthdog

When has Earthdog ever called in

Never

Earthdog we love you man

If Fall called in now

We'd stay on for another four hours

If Fall called in

Somebody

The warrior's still there

We're done

I think that

Maybe there's some shame

That Fall got dumped by the dead

And I think that's probably why

She doesn't want to come on

And you know

I'm really sorry about that

Alright, well hey

Okay, we got some announcements here real quick

We're ending the show now

We're gonna play our outro

No, no, no, but seriously

Look, listen

We're gonna play the Crazy Fucker rap song

Which was produced by Earthdog earlier tonight

On very short notice

We'll be playing that

We'll be also playing some prank calls from the Howard Stern Show

A very funny one featuring

Um, Riley Morin

If you haven't heard it yet

I thought it was funny

So fucking listen to it

Alright

Yeah

Yeah god damn

I get mean

You know that's bad

Yeah

That's bad

You know what

You do get mean

These people are nice to me

Yeah

You know

I mean

Yeah

You know

Yeah

You're very aggressive

I know

I love you all though

Seriously I wouldn't do it

Without you guys here

Um

Don't go anywhere

Keep listening

We have some more stuff

For you tonight

We're just gonna be

Playing some stuff

We're playing that

That one good prank call

Riley Martin prank call

And you better watch out

Hercules is going to 98.6

The mouth

That's right

So we're done

That's it

Milkman

Thank you

Cloned

Everybody

Lonesome Loser

Thank you

Everybody thank you

Hey check in your Gmail

Yeah I saw

I love you sweet kisses

Thanks for all your numbers

Baby girl

Eat humpage

Sweet dreams

See you in five minutes

Tell baby puppy

He's gonna uck you all night

Hey, ma'am.

My work of art is quack.

We don't give that out.

How do I know that you're not going to use that?

Exactly.

How do I know?

Because you know what?

We're not even online right now.

You listen to me.

What are you, a vampire?

Excuse me.

You're a bum.

You people are bums.

You know what, asshole?

Look, bitch.

Don't try and tell me that I owe you money.

I'm an attorney.

Ma'am?

Yes?

I have gas.

Listen.

Oh.

Well, you owe me $5 for breaking the toilet.

Breaking the toilet? What toilet? Tell me who this is.

The white toilet. I told you already. My name is Bo Skeen.

I ain't fixing nothing because I didn't break nothing. I don't use anybody's toilet.

You came down, you used the toilet, you took a big shit.

I took a big shit?

Yes.

Man, it wasn't me, pal. It was not me. You got the wrong guy.

Why don't you tell me in your own words? Be honest.

Sure.

The Russians are upset. We're trying to keep them at peace, all right?

What do they do?

I need you to tell me everything.

I did not do anything, basically what he told me.

We could start a war over this.

Oh God, you know, the judges, I don't know what they're going to think.

What did they do? Am I in trouble?

Well, yes.

What did they do, sir?

You just violated international law.

I really don't know anything about that, sir.

Well, ignorance of the law is no excuse.

What did I do?

We're all going to get our hand released, you know.

I provide clothes for individuals that come in and buy them from me.

under slavery embroidery under slave labor no i don't have any slave labor so why are you

going i don't have time for your yeah you son of a you mother you are kind of speaking

funny you speak you speak to this i say mother i go ahead you want to be talking you you

bitch don't never i'm watching them out i'm getting to these boys man oh my lord oh my god

Why are you so angry?

Where's my squad at?

Fuck you, man.

First of all, um...

Give me the room number and the last name I can call you.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you!

Fuck you, fucking piece of shit!

Please, Andrew.

Okay, so what do you call yourself?

Huh?

Como se llama?

There's no one that can match me.

My style is impetuous.

My defense is impregnable.

And I'm just ferocious.

I want your heart.

I want to eat your children.

Pray be to Allah.

Go back to us.

Go back to...

Go back to Africa, motherfucker.

No, you're not having no anal sex with me.

Yes, I am.

You're going to like it, too.

No, you're not.

It's going to be just like when your cousin was in town.

What cousin?

Your cousin.

Your cousin, girlfriend, mother, sister, wife.

You can go to hell, too.

You can go to hell, you damn Republican.

Bo-stein.

I don't give a damn.

I don't know Bo-stein.

Look, boy, I'm going to have sex with you.

Don't call me no boy.

I ain't no boy.

Let me talk to her while I stroke my cock.

No.

Geez, I want her so bad.

email us

or panties

or your panties

go smell our panties

while we talk to you

who the hell is this

you're fucking laughing

in the background

who is this

let me talk to your

hot sister

fuck you

if you call again

how old are you

13

yeah fucking right

you sound like

you're fucking

18 or 19

I'm 13 I said

you are a

sick fuck

come on let me

talk to your sister

man be a pal

no

have you ever

seen your sister

naked

no

Fuck you.

I'm down my fucking street you fucking fat ass fucking car.

Yeah that's right.

Look man, I don't know what you be talking about.

I know what I'm talking about because I fucking recognize your goddamn number.

Okay look, I'm innocent.

You innocent?

I'm innocent.

And my shit got broken throwing out my fucking car.

Nah, I don't know.

And we fucking stopped you and my fucking CD player was in your fucking dashboard.

Aloha.

Hi, hello, uh, yeah, how you guys doing, man?

I'm staying in Honolulu, I'm from out of town, from the United States, you know what I'm saying?

Yes, sir.

And, uh, I like chicken.

Yes, sir.

Yeah, can you bring me some chicken?

Oh, I cannot bring you chicken, we don't have a delivery.

What the fuck, A to the K, yo, A to the KFC.

I know, but we don't have a, yo, just delivery.

Can you dip a wing in your pocket and run it up to me?

Yeah, but I'm only one over here. I cannot drop a chicken on you.

We will give you a couple hundred dollars, though.

Even though, guys.

Show me your dick, motherfucker.

You have pussy, motherfucker.

Are you asking me out?

Just come over here.

Are you asking me out?

Don't worry about it.

Tell me, tell me.

Oh, okay, motherfucker. Do you know who's your daddy?

No.

Do you know how many guys fucked your mom before you came?

No.

Oh, that's good.

Tell me.

How many guys fucked her before you came?

Tell me.

Are you happy now?

Yeah, I am.

That's good.

Are you happy?

I'm happy, yeah, with your mom.

Yeah.

I fuck your mom.

Yeah, I'm happy.

It's a white man that don't want to hear from no goddamn niggas calling me in the fucking

middle of the night.

Listen.

Listen, boy.

I'll show you a boy with a 12-gauge shotgun, motherfucker.

Listen, cracker.

Listen to that.

Three letters.

Listen here, cracker.

You got that?

Okay.

You nigger motherfucker.

Hey, do you have enough oil for me?

I want you off 428 now.

I can't understand a word you're saying.

I weigh about 428 pounds.

Then you're fat.

Hey,

hey Carlito, man.

Yes, sir.

sir hey after listening to you dude i can't listen to normal radio man because it sounds like a bunch

of fucking retards you guys are the fucking greatest radio station in the united states

of america and around the world now i understand that you're uh in uh even going to australia in

the uk and all that shit right yeah we're all over the place man all right dude that's good

to just keep evolving and growing, dude.

That's what happens, man.

All right.

Love, peace, and joy to all living sentient beings on the planet Earth, man.

Here and elsewhere, man.

Everywhere, man.

Everywhere.

God bless you, sir.

Love you, man.

Love you.

All right.

Whatever.

Yeah.

God damn it.

I was going to play you this new...

Hey, guys, where's that...

Oh, I know where it is.

I'm going to find you that new phony phone call that I wanted to play you.

I've got a bunch of things to play you.

Oh, shit.

Riley Martin songs and calls.

Okay, here we go.

Where's that new one that Richard did?

You guys got that?

Where is it?

It should be a top one.

Oh, Riley Martin calls?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right, so this is Riley calling a guy named Mike.

What's cool about this is at one point this guy Mike tries to hang up

because he's disgusted with Riley.

And our phones back there are so screwy that you can't hang up.

Like every time this guy went to pick up the phone, we were still on.

Oh, you're kidding.

That's great.

Hello.

Hello, Mike.

How are you?

Pretty good.

How are you, Mike?

Yep.

Cool.

How you been?

What do you need?

First of all, the B-Ovians have a saying.

Qua umsa la juan.

Uka baka baka.

Call somebody who gives a shit.

Oh.

Hello.

Shout out to you, Mike.

Who the fuck is this?

This is Riley Martin.

Get the fuck off my phone.

Don't you remember us, friend Martin, from there near the Tigris Euphrates in the Nile

River?

I don't remember shit.

Shit! I have anything to fucking say to you.

Finn Martin, come out. We have need to speak with you.

You don't need to speak to me. Get the fuck away from me.

Only say a one.

Oh, quatangent one.

What?

Actually, uh, the, the, uh...

Fuck you, stupid!

Uh, vast, vast, vast, vast...

Uh, uh, uh, uh...

He's trying to dial.

Are you there?

Mike, you got a question for me, big guy?

God damn you. One more time. One more time, you stupid motherfucker,

and I'm gonna get the telephone company on your ass.

Don't hang this goddamn phone up, would you?

Well, thanks for the sentiment.

Hey, fuck you!

Thanks for calling, man. Shout out to you.

Hello, Bob in Florida.

What's gonna take you to get rid of your goddamn NAST, Bigger?

Uh, you wanna jump to tachyon?

Hang this goddamn son of a bitch up right now. I got a caller ID on me right now.

The toxicians are obviously reptilians.

You goddamn piece of shit, hang the phone up.

Oh, okay. Take care now.

Good fucking riddance.

yeah i i fuck i hate fucking rap i gotta tell you dude

you know those motherfuckers that sing that rap they're like fucking blowfish dude you know what

a blowfish is yeah when a blowfish feels it's a little pathetic fucking fish but when it feels

threatened it blows itself up now these goddamn hey these these motherfuckers that are in games

and shit you know what they're like the little blowfish yeah you i'd like to share a song i

wrote with you oh god okay good if you like rap then you ought to sit on my lap when i get ready

to take a crap because every time i sit on the crap my butthole turns into a rap you think black

is beautiful well i just shit me a rembrandt if you eat when you're hungry and you can drink when

you're dry and if the bad times don't kill you then you're gonna live till you die hang on brother

man thank you for your rap all right dude all right brother thanks love it let's say goodbye

thank you motherfucker yeah we can't do a show without talking to him back to the madhouse on

pcu radio

Calls (41, 1 h 52 min of 5 h 35 min)

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