2006-12-21 Show

Who plays?

What happens in America?

Well, we steamed your ass in World War II.

What do you have to do?

We never did, and who helped you out?

You piss off, woman.

Don't talk to me like that.

We don't need you anyway, bitch.

Shut up, bitch.

Call me a bitch, you stinky fucker.

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

The dog shit we're finally on.

Yay.

Carlito's on.

Clone Homegrown is on, right?

We're here to do a show, folks, like it or not.

It is now 10-17, 10-18.

10-18 on the dot.

P.M. Eastern Standard Time on a Thursday, so you know you are listening to Madhouse Radio.

Madhouse Radio is on the 21st for you that look at a calendar.

That's right, the 21st.

Man, what a day, huh?

What happened today on the 21st?

Nothing happened, right?

I got a new puppy, man.

What did you get exactly?

Chihuahua Shih Tzu mix.

Oh, man.

Oh, you know what I've seen?

I saw a picture once of a Chihuahua and a German Shepherd mix.

I kid you not.

What the fuck?

Yeah.

That's a big little dog.

Well, dude, like, it was a female German Shepherd and a male Chihuahua.

And, like, I was, it was at my last job.

And the girl on her desk in her office, she had this picture of this dog.

Like, what breed of dog is this?

And she's like, it's German Shepherd and Chihuahua.

And I was like, what?

She's like, yeah, German Shepherd and Chihuahua.

He fucked the huge German Shepherd, the Chihuahua.

And he got away with it, got her pregnant.

You're totally fucking around because that Chihuahua couldn't mount that fucker laying down.

I don't know.

it looked like it dude it she i don't know how but it had a face like a chihuahua but it was the size

of a german shepherd it was really freaky looking like it was not natural dude i mean seriously that

that chick her name is uh was it was it like a mars attacks you know where they put the chihuahua

head on that fucking body and no it wasn't like that i just saw the picture but uh yeah that was

a really freaky looking dog dude a chihuahua german shepherd mix german shepherd shepherd i'm

I'm high.

How about that, huh?

That's great.

Me too, man.

All right, man.

Glad to be here.

Let's hear it for getting high.

All right.

Right on, man.

So what are you doing to show?

Glad we got my audio fixed.

Yeah, it sounds pretty good, man.

You're not coming in too loud.

Okay.

That's good.

And we're here, and we're going to do a show.

Make sure you visit madhouselive.com.

Again, the web address here is madhouselive.com.

And keep in mind, you can also reach me on AOL Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio.

Again, that's Madhouse Radio on AOL Instant Messenger.

You can reach us on Yahoo Messenger, Madhouse Radio Online.

Again, that's Madhouse Radio Online on Yahoo Messenger.

And if you're using MSN Messenger, MadhouseLive at Hotmail.com.

But you can see, if you didn't catch those, just go over to MadhouseLive.com

And all the links and information are there appropriately, as well as links to the chat room.

And the toll-free line will be open later tonight.

It is closed now.

Please hold your calls.

But when it is open, the toll-free line is 888-278-8509.

And there it is.

Game Green was supposed to be here tonight, but holy shit, Milkman, you're live.

But Milkman's here.

Milkman.

Fucking scared me, man.

What the hell, Milkman?

Welcome in.

Great.

great that's what we get from milkman i guess he's he's on a new computer again i think he just

got finished installing team speak so uh he'll be joining us shortly here he's probably finishing

his configuration but in the meantime as i said be sure to get a hold of us here as we said

appropriately earlier if you didn't copy it down madhouse live.com i'm talking like a faggot today

man fuck i hate it when i talk like this oh you are not it's kitty k hey everybody hey hey yeah

Yeah, he's really getting drunk a lot.

A lot.

He's a...

You know, that's what caused my bipolar.

I was an alcoholic for fucking many years.

Yeah, many years, huh?

Wow, man.

Yeah, alcohol...

I could drink KDK under the table any night.

You're coming in really loud again, but...

But, yeah.

I understand that.

Make sure you got your...

That mic boost.

Make sure that mic boost is turned to fuck all.

All right, anyway.

Milkman, you too.

You're coming in loud.

What's up?

God damn it.

This show's always a fucking catastrophe.

Thank you guys, as always.

Big surprise.

Don't talk, don't talk, Milkman.

You're way too fucking loud.

Jeez, this is horrible.

Anyway, so we got people listening and people waiting for us to do prank calls.

Lonesome Loser is in the chat room.

Lonesome Loser reports that he's having issues with his computer.

And he may be in and out, which is not good.

But we do have a phone card ready.

so we'll be using that phone card here shortly.

I would implore all of you out there to please send us your numbers,

numbers that you want for people to be prank called.

Do that now.

You're too loud still, Milkman.

Keep working on it.

God damn it.

Should have been there.

Audio check, man.

Yeah.

You're loud too.

Look at the kettle calling the pot black.

Aha.

Hey, you told me it sounded good.

It did earlier.

Now you sound like you're loud and stuff.

Anyway, hey, we got a, speaking of madhouselive.com,

We got a prank request on the request link there.

Anyway, if you want to request a prank, you can do that over at the webpage, madhouselive.com.

And a fellow named Joe here, who actually called the house earlier tonight.

He called the toll-free line a few hours ago.

But anyway, he sent in a number for a dude named Omar Khalifa, who works at a water treatment plant.

He's 23 years old.

His father keeps sheep in the back of their property, about 30 of them.

Two dogs got in at night and ate some of them,

so you can call and say that you want your dogs back

and they have to pay for the shots that the dogs have to take

because the dogs have HIV from his gay sheep.

LOL, you guys rock.

Sincerely,

Sheep get AIDS?

Joe, I don't know.

Maybe they can.

Maybe they can get it from people.

I know cats can.

Cats can get AIDS.

Cats, yeah.

And dogs can get AIDS, too.

It doesn't kill them, though.

No, it doesn't affect them.

I don't know how it fucking works.

No, they're just transfers.

They're just transfers, yeah.

They get it from gay people who have sex with them.

That's all it is.

So don't let gay people near your pets.

And pets should not be owned by gay people.

Especially not...

I'm scared for Katie Kaye having all those cats.

What do you know?

We're not implying anything, alright?

And, uh, yeah, if...

No, no, not at all.

Like I fucking...

Like I care, anyway.

But you are listening to us tonight on PC, so...

I'm kidding.

We're on Prank call Radio, everybody, PCR.

We're on the Madhouse Radio Network, madhouselive.com,

and we're also on PCU, Prank call Underground Radio.com.

That is the truth.

If you don't like it, bye-bye.

You're peeing over there, then.

Okay.

All right, so, hey, I'm going to call this dude, then.

It's Omar Khalifa.

This is in California, so it is now 725.

Shouldn't be that late.

Stand by, everybody.

The first call of the night is coming right up.

I need to play a song here first.

First, if I can find it, I'm really lispy today.

Very lispy.

And I want to thank Dr. Lego for lending me on his show last night.

I had a great time doing that show.

Doing that prank call I did.

Yeah, that was a good call.

Hey, thanks, man.

Appreciate it.

All right, we'll be right back after this.

First prank call of the night is coming right up.

You're reached, Omar.

Record your message.

When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options.

Omar, how are you doing?

If you can give me a call back, please, as soon as possible, 1-888-278-8509.

This is on a personal business matter.

Please call me back as soon as possible this evening, 1-888-278-8509.

I'll be in the office until 10 p.m.

Thank you very much.

My name is Jack Valenti.

Please call me back as soon as possible.

Thank you, sir.

You know what?

I had an idea, man.

What idea?

Get Jack Masterson to call a 24-hour Weight Watchers, like, weight-worried line.

Do you think there's a weight crisis line?

I wonder.

Oh, yeah, dude.

This has got to be a weight crisis.

I'll find you one.

Yeah, but it can't be a toll-free number because they can trace toll-free numbers.

As me and Madman figured out, the last show he did here, we called a toll-free prayer line,

and I called in with him, and we were real stupid.

About 3 o'clock in the morning, the next day, they called back.

They traced the call.

You should look into www.spooftail.com.

There's spooftail and there's spoofcard also.

I think it's spoofcard.com.

I'm thinking about becoming one of their, whatchamacallit, an affiliate of theirs.

They're offering an affiliate program to buy and sell spoof cards.

I think I'm going to start giving those out.

I'm going to start giving out $5 ones as gifts here on the show starting next year.

I'm going to buy them.

There you go.

I sent you a number.

Okay, good.

Thank you, man.

Awesome.

Should I meet that one?

Eating Disorder Line.

That's an Eating Disorder Line?

Okay, cool.

We're going to call that next.

What's a good fat song that I could play?

A fat person, Notorious B.I.G.

You got anything from the Fat Boys?

You know what?

I don't have anything from the Fat Boys.

That's real fucked up, man.

I shouldn't be repping the Fat Boys, man.

That's fucked up.

Yeah, you remember the twist?

The Fat Boys twist?

I need to get that.

Come on, baby.

Fucking shit.

I don't know.

I'll play some Notorious B.I.G.

because he's a real fatty.

Nothing wrong with that because I myself am a fatty.

Fat Joe.

Fuck Fat Joe.

Who's the other big pun?

Now, he was big, and I kind of liked him.

Big pun.

Here we go.

Here's some big pun and Notorious B.I.G.

We'll play this instead.

Hang on.

Next prank call of the night is coming right up.

Or should I say the first one?

It's Monday through Friday, 9 to 5 Central Standard Time.

Wah, wah.

Oh, sorry.

That's all right.

You tried.

That's okay.

That was the first number I found.

Holy shit.

It's Milkman.

Milkman, what's up, man?

How you doing, brother?

brother you sound good you sound good you're a little bassy but you're you're not bad at all

well i do have a deep voice man you do have a very deep voice but hey nice to have you on board

tonight milkman awesome true that carlito let's play some milkman music here

there we go milkman's favorite song in the world so hey everybody i'd like to thank all 51 of you

You who are listening right now, thank you very much for dealing with us.

Madhouse Radio is live, live, live, live.

MadhouseLive.com, MadhouseLive.com.

So, Milkman, in the new year, get this.

I'm going to be giving out prizes, perhaps on a weekly, you know, I'm going to give out a $5 prize once a week, you know, to a caller or something like that.

And I'm going to be giving out $5 phone cards.

Spoof phone cards.

Isn't that awesome?

Cool.

So, look out for that.

It's going to be a customized Madhouse one.

And oh yeah, the first weekend of January, the Madhouse Radio CD Volume 1 is being released.

There you go.

Nice, and you're going to send me one, right?

I'm going to send you a copy, I'll send Milkman a copy, I'll send Lego a copy, people like that.

I'll send Lonesome Loser a copy if he wants one, and the rest of you can call me.

I'll shoot you my email one day.

Yeah, the rest of you can probably get a copy.

I don't know.

I'll sell it for like five bucks or something.

Something real cheap.

I'm probably not going to make a...

I'll make like maybe a dollar on each one, I guess, to fund it.

I don't know.

We'll see.

Hey, man, you're going to be a rich man.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Dollar on top of that, you sell a million?

Hell yeah, man.

That's a million dollars.

That's awesome.

That's $800,000 after taxes, man.

That's a lot of...

Then you invest in mutual funds.

Yeah.

CDs.

CD's. I like CD's. You know, you gotta get

half CD's, half mutual funds, and you're good to go.

Ain't that right, Milkman? Milkman knows.

When EF Hutton Madhouse

speaks, everybody stops and listens.

Right. Exactly. Milkman may

say your audio... People with Merrill Lynch, man.

Merrill, yeah. And who was

the Waterhouse guy? What's that all about?

T.D. Waterhouse? T.D.?

I don't know. How does that work, you know?

Like Edward Jones and stuff? You know what

was weird? You know, when I used to work at a credit card

company, we had the Edward Jones credit

credit card and the only people that would call in the only people that would call in that had

had them were asians like japs koreans vietnamese they would whenever i would get a call and the

guy had the uh i mean we had tons of cards we had like every sports team and i know fucking a bunch

of shit but you know you get the star wars credit card or the disney credit card and we ran it you

call and we'd answer the phone so this guy was edward jones you know and they're like i don't

know what are they they just sell don't they like pretty much handle you selling and buying stock

isn't that all they do you know i don't know milkman do you know how this works i don't really

know but they're always asians i don't know i don't like blowing my money so i really don't

have anything to do with that crap yeah well apparently asians like the edward jones whatever

that whatever take that take what you will from that whatever fuck it why am i even talking about

that anyway um in the chat room we have people talking people are making a big deal that we're

on pcu also i mean whatever dude i mean don't make a big deal about it who fucking cares

it gives me what's the surprise coming oh should i announce the the big surprise now

should i are you guys ready for i'm waiting it's it's i think the surprise is at least that we went

on early no we were still 17 minutes late after what we projected but hey i i do i do have good

news everybody that's how come i wasn't in here exactly at 10 oh really well you're smart i

I thought you had 11.

I read it earlier in the chat room.

You're a very smart guy.

Very smart.

All right, cloned and milkman.

I'm sorry, milkman and cloned, rather.

I have won an award.

I have been presented with an award.

That is my surprise.

Cool.

Really?

Milkman, guess what do you think it would be?

What award do you think I won?

Oh, Dr. Lego's Prank Award.

Nope.

Nope, not yet.

Not yet.

That one got by me again.

Clone, you're shot.

Any idea?

you fat ass of the year not fat ass of the year no but thank you very much for that i appreciate

that much love from clone homegrown although i have passed that up i've passed up the fat

ass of the year for four years straight now but no it wasn't that the greatest new internet host

of 2006 yeah i wish but no no employee of the month employee of the month employee of the week

Yeah, Most Improved.

If you ever win Most Improved anything, that's everybody's way of saying you suck.

Don't ever get happy for getting Most Improved.

You suck, but we're going to let you know you're pretty good at it.

You're the retard who didn't do the worst, pretty much.

You know what I mean?

Most Improved goes to dumbasses and the retarded kid on the football team

who handles the towels and the water.

He gets Most Improved every year.

That's it.

So fuck Most Improved, okay?

Fuck that.

Anyway.

Call those the mat-maids.

Yeah, my announcement, my announcement, everybody, is I have won a very special award.

I am Time Magazine's Person of the Year.

No shit.

Holy shit, man.

I have won Time Magazine's Person of the Year, Carlito.

I got the news over the weekend, so I'm going to be in time.

go be if you don't believe me go to time.com no seriously uh the the person of the year this year

is you y-o-u that's it so did this do you think really yeah that's what they decided this year

do you think maybe they just don't have any fucking you know i mean they just gave up on

the whole thing they're just shooting for new subscribers i guess yeah yeah hey we'll give you

the award if you come over yeah anyway the big surprise no actually i think that they since they

They lost the big Republican move for the year.

They don't have anything to bitch about or talk about, so they're doing anything.

Yeah, I think so.

They're trying to change the subject.

Well, magazines are going out of business anyway.

In the next ten years, there probably won't be any magazines left.

It's all internet now.

I mean, Time Magazine will be around, but they'll be online.

You'll subscribe to Time Magazine.

Be online and then shitters and shit.

Not Time.

No, all the computer magazines.

All the computer magazines, you think?

Well, that's retarded.

Why would you get a...

I remember back in the day, you'd want to get GamePro or you'd want to get EGM or something like that when I was growing up.

If I wanted to know the newest, best information about the old school systems when they were just coming out, I had to buy the magazine.

It came out once a month and it was always three months behind in what they had reported in there.

And then the internet comes around and now you get the news instantly.

As soon as it gets out there, the internet has it spread all over every single website.

it's like why would you bother buying

basically as soon as it's news

you got it yeah you don't have to wait on a magazine

you don't have to pay five bucks for it

I hate reading anything

on the internet I hate looking at web

browsers to read I want a piece of paper

in my hand change your settings

all you gotta do

is turn your head

look back you ain't gonna look at that stupid screen

man I don't know it's terrible to read on a screen

I can't read anymore

I know right I can't I have no

all I need now is my iPod seriously

See, I have games on my iPod, I have music on my iPod, I have podcasts on my iPod, you

know.

If any...

You're not reading a computer screen.

Yeah, but, I don't know, I mean, I just, I don't want to read magazines, you know.

You gotta, and the magazines are bad for the environment and shit, because, you know, fucking

magazines are, you know, all made out of paper, man, you know.

Polluting the environment.

Fuck a magazine.

The paper's biodegradable.

I don't know, is it?

CRTs aren't.

Yeah, still.

Well, they should, they should recycle CRTs.

Or LCDs.

lcds they last forever don't you know that that's right yeah anyway i got chapped lips too man

i got some chapped lips chapped lips my lips are all chapped up milkman your audio is low

yeah no that's fine no thank you we don't need those tips around here okay

we don't go that route here that's lowbrow clone um use the tip of my dick yeah thanks

Thanks.

Like chapstick.

That's gay.

Look at this chapstick here.

Look at this black chapstick.

Black stick.

You don't need to use my kind of chapstick.

I got the cure for the tonsillitis.

Houdat's Cajun Restaurant is coming in from Lonesome Loser, who is going by Storm Shadow this month, apparently.

Lonesome Loser, thank you very much for that.

He's confirming numbers slowly but surely, so that's awesome.

And if you want to send me a number, do it now.

God damn it.

We're not going to be on too late because I have to get up early tomorrow

I got a meeting at 7.30 in the morning

I got to be at

And I got to do some Christmas shopping tomorrow

I got a lot of things to do tomorrow

So we're not going very late tonight

About two hours max tonight

There's always something with you

You know what, I'm constantly

Oh yeah, here's the other news

This show here that you're listening to now sucks

Number one, I have to take off

This is an exclusive of PC Radio

Off the beginning of the pranks

because that doesn't

exclusively apply anymore number one

number two I gotta put this stuff on CDs now

but anyway I gotta do that

and I also got to let you guys

know that the show's gonna be

starting at 11 o'clock eastern standard

time for like

until the summer starting

next week we're gonna be starting

I mean I'm sorry I'm sorry we're gonna

lose an hour there so we'll probably be going

like 11pm to 1am

I think from now on

uh at least for the foreseeable future because i am back in college i have a class that i have to

do i have to take a class and that's campus man yeah man big man on campus i'm the oldest man

on campus pretty much i'm 27 and i'm a junior i'm a college junior and i'm 27 pussy in school

yeah you know the good times good times but hey i'm happy now i've got athena anyway we got to

try uh calling um okay well we got someone the the dude in the chat room who sent in the number

the first one we called that didn't work out uh let me check here let me see yeah let me see if

uh he said he sent the new one here let me check that right quick here if not we're just going to

call lonesome losers number hey milkman can you send me the number for that um that bus driver

lady ever man yeah i'll look for it man all right cool send that to me on um are you on oh yeah in

the uh in um in irc if you don't want it yeah pick me a name oh yeah okay whatever yeah i got you

Just pop it over to me.

Whatever.

Lonesome Loser has also sent in a number for a Narcotics Anonymous 24-hour helpline.

Awesome, dude.

We'll get to that next.

Oh, dude.

That is fucking sweet.

We have a phone call here from I don't know who.

Fucker.

I don't know.

Jonathan, you think?

I think so.

Nathouse Radio, you're on the air.

Hello?

How you doing, sir?

This is Jack Valente.

I'm very happy how things are turning out.

I think maybe you and I need to come together to an agreement monetarily.

I'm sorry.

My dogs have been hurt.

Your dogs have been hurt?

Yes, they have.

I don't know anything about your dog.

Well, the problem here being, sir, my dog's decided to, you know, nip at your sheep a little bit,

and someone there at your house pretty much hurt my dog.

And I don't know if you know what kind of dog this is, but he's pretty expensive.

He's got papers, he's AKC, and we breed him, actually, you know?

No, nobody at my house has hurt anybody's dog.

What about your sheep?

I'm sorry, yes, but we did have our sheep attacked.

Yeah, well, I think your sheep attacked my dog in the process.

They retaliated, and now the dog, he's not having sex.

He's not active anymore.

He's just laying down.

Okay, good for your dog.

And I'm out of a lot of money here.

Yeah.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you go ahead and call Animal Control, and then we'll go through them, all right?

Okay, your sheep are vicious, and they're violent, sir.

I know.

And I'm going to have you kicked out of town.

Do you know who I am exactly?

But you know what?

You know what?

Thank you for my sheep.

They're good guard sheep.

You know that?

I'm the president of the Homeowners Association, sir.

Really?

Yes, I am.

Do you know that it is not legal for you to have barn animals inside this community?

Okay, well, then sue me. Thank you.

Well, no. The problem is you're going to start getting a $200 a day fine until you evacuate them.

That's fine. I'm rich.

How would you evacuate a sheep, exactly?

You call FEMA. I don't know.

That's not funny, sir. That's not funny. I lost my mother in...

How about you piss off?

I lost my mother in New Orleans.

Yeah, okay.

Yes.

All right, that's it.

FEMA.

Them trying enema.

What the fuck was that?

I fucking...

So it wasn't Jonathan, it was Omar.

Yeah, it was.

Well, I'm kind of concerned here.

I don't know if my number got blocked when I called out.

I didn't turn the toll-free line on, did I?

Didn't you leave it?

Huh?

I thought you left it.

I don't know.

It didn't get blocked, man.

I don't know.

Yeah, it's disabled.

Yeah, the phone card that I was using isn't working, apparently.

It's not blocking the number, so now that guy has my number.

Holy shit, I'm screwed.

Let's take this one.

Now someone else is calling here.

I'm probably in a lot of trouble now.

Mention PCR when you get busted.

Hello?

The Orlando Police Department is looking for a missing person who may be endangered.

He is Richard Fitzgerald, a white male, 69 years of age.

Mr. Fitzgerald is 5'6", 140 pounds, has white hair, thin build.

Left his home in the 1400 block of Park Lake Street on 12-2106 at approximately 0530 AM

and has not been heard from since.

He may be wearing a brown hooded jacket, blue jeans, and striped blue hat.

What the fuck?

Mr. Fitzgerald has Alzheimer's and needs help.

Uh-huh.

If seen, please call 9-1-1 or the Orlando Police Department.

Not an emergency number at 321-235-5301.

Ma'am, are you speaking to me live or are you recording?

It's a fucking recording.

That scared the shit out of me, dude.

Holy shit.

I just fucking, fucking turned pale.

That was weird when you hear this is the Orlando...

It goes, this is the Orlando Police Department.

After what we were talking about, I was like, uh-oh.

worst case scenario and it's you know what it was and the number that came up is 9-1-1 9-1-1 9-1-1

it's it's in florida they have the 9-1-1 the 9-1-1 callback so like if there's an amber alert

it calls everybody who has 9-1-1 connected and it gives them a message to watch out or whatever

there's some fucking old guy with alzheimer's disease who's missing that fucking scared the

shit out of me wow are you okay there cloned jesus christ that was fucking scary as hell man

man. Shit. I was like, oh, damn, I'm fucked up. Man. Seriously, when she said this is

the Orlando Police Department, I was like, oh, fuck. I'm sorry. Huh? What? Milkman, what?

Okay, I don't know what Milkman said. Something about the Dr. Lego show. Anyway. Anyway.

I was crying. Okay. Continuing on, we have Narcotics Anonymous 24-hour helpline. Here,

Here, we're talking about the fact that the phone line is not being blocked.

That fucking sucks.

So I'm going to actually test that, and we're going to call that the Narcotics Anonymous line.

We also have Boo the Clown.

Boo the Clown.

Coming up next.

Give me about a minute here to test the phone line, and the next prank call is coming right up.

Well, shit, this sucks.

We got problems.

As usual, we have problems here, everybody.

The phone card we have is not blocking the phone number.

God damn it.

Huh.

Interesting.

Cloned is trying to send in another one.

Are you there, clown?

Yeah, I'm here, man.

Hello.

Hey, what's up?

Who's this?

You said the 800 number's not working?

Oh, hang on.

Let me put you on the air, bro.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Hang on, I got someone on the line here.

Hang on.

Hey,

man, what's up?

Hey, Ludo.

Yeah, man.

You're tripping out that answering machine.

The toll-free number, but the toll-free was turned off.

Yeah, I told him that.

Oh, yeah, well, I don't know, but that's how you had to get your number, man.

No, no, no, no, he got off the caller ID, he got my personal number, you understand.

See, when I call out, it's from my house phone, you see?

But when you call back on the toll-free line, it hits the toll-free line, and it hits this right here.

You see, you called the 888 number, yeah, I just turned it on right now, so right before you called in.

So, yeah, he got off the caller ID.

I can't do crack calls with my caller ID showing up.

I was like, man, that Carlito is freaking out, he must be baked out of it, he got that number.

Yeah, that's why I gave out the toll-free line, and I blocked my number, so fucking, it works out that way.

You know, people don't get my number that way.

How about that shit, a fucking Amber Alert for some 85-year-old?

Right, as we're talking about, like, oh, shit, that M-Block, what's going to happen?

It's fucking, Atlanta Police Department, that was scary as hell.

That would, uh, that would have been great, too.

It would have been the David Koresh of prank calls, if, uh, that was...

The SWAT team was, like, outside the door.

That'd be some shit right there, dude.

Uh, yeah, but anyway, I figured I'd just call in and be like, you know, I don't know,

I thought maybe, uh, maybe I'd help you guys out there, but, uh...

Yeah.

Apparently, uh, out in listener land, it's a little...

There's no soap.

Exactly.

All right, man.

Glad to hear the madhouse.

Catch you.

I'll just come in and enjoy it.

There it is, man.

Thank you.

All right.

All right, bye.

That's Killer P, everybody.

Killer P.

Killer P on the line.

I don't know.

Clone, can you check that number again that you sent me?

It's not coming in right.

Ooh, another caller.

Yeah.

Hang on.

All right.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, man.

The phone number isn't blocking out, man.

Oh, man.

How are you going to make a prank phone call and not block the phone number?

Well, normally it works, but the technology we use to do that isn't working right now.

and we figured it out when you called back.

It's not...

I must have hit something else.

Hey, dude, you want to know something that's funny, Omar, man?

The second that you hung up and I was saying on the air, like,

I think our number went out on that because he called back or whatever.

I got a call here from the local police department.

You know what an AMBER alert is?

Yeah, well, when they have an AMBER alert,

the 911 system calls out to everybody on the phone network.

Oh, wow.

and it's a recording saying there's an amber alert or whatever,

and there's, like, one that just happened here for some dude with Alzheimer's,

and it called me back, and I freaked out,

because the first thing it says is, like, this is the Orlando Police Department.

I was like, oh, shit, this guy works fast, man.

I was like, I don't know who I was fucking with,

so that kind of got me, man.

I was fucked up.

But, yeah, man.

That's cool, though.

I don't know.

Some dude told me to give you a call.

I don't know his name.

Yeah, that's my boy.

All right, we stay anonymous here, but that's cool.

If you've got a computer, man, check us out online if you like this.

madhouselive.com

alright madhouselive.com

you didn't win nothing

we don't have any prizes

yeah I know

I'm a college student

and I'm poor

so I just do what I can

yeah but you win

my appreciation

and you win five dollars

in madhouse money

alright my brother

peace out

yes it's lucky

well that worked out

for the best I guess

that was pretty good

yeah at least he has

a sense of humor everybody

oh man

thank you Joe

yeah that was funny

yeah Joe

thanks Joe

bro

row oh my friend chill will wants to come over to join in but the problem being right now is that

i don't know if we're going to be able to keep doing a show we got plenty of callers though

hang on we got we got another caller in california you know who we haven't talked to seriously try

that 800 number i just sent okay cool i'll do that let's let's talk to this dude here first

hello what's up joe man i thought he called the california yeah that was some quick shit man if

he did that i was like this guy's a fucking fbi agent or something he got his i was like holy

That's why I called him and I was like, no, don't call the cops, it's only, it's a free

call.

Yeah, yeah, that's because my number went out, that fucking sucks.

We're working on it, we're working on getting another card here that would work out, that

will work out, so.

Sorry, I guess it was funny, though.

Yeah, that was pretty funny.

It's too bad, because I was going to try to call him on his house number and shit,

but he's in on it now.

Well, whatever, we try, man, appreciate it, that was still good, it ended up being

real good.

Alright, man, thanks for calling in, man.

Alright, thanks, bye.

Alright, later, bro, peace.

Well, it could be worse, everybody.

We could have nothing to talk about at all.

But we got plenty of people calling in, so thanks, guys.

Thanks, everybody out there for listening and calling.

But yeah, we really do need to call CrazyFucker.

I can call him.

He knows my number anyway.

He's not going to do nothing.

Lonesome Loser is working on a new phone card.

Clone Homegrown sent one in also here.

Let me try that one.

Hang on, folks.

I'm sorry about this.

As usual, we're all fucked up in the way we do our show.

Nothing ever works right here.

Milkman, are you still around, man?

Yeah, man, I'm right here

Yeah, man

Kitty's on top of me right now

Oh, it's definitely not working, dude

I can give you a local access number

Well, that'll defeat the purpose

I don't have long distance at all

So, shit, we're in trouble

We're in trouble, folks, we are in trouble

Storm Shadow's working on getting

We just asked everybody in the chat

Yeah, that's fine

Guys, if we can't, we can't

We'll let someone else on, it's alright

All right, that's not the end of the world.

I'm going to try to call Crazy Fucker, though.

We haven't talked to him in a while.

Here comes Crazy Fucker, everybody.

Hello.

Hi, Carlito.

What's up?

Hey, what's up, DTT?

How you doing, man?

Fine, how about you?

Good show.

That was so funny.

Yeah, that was funny and scary at the same time.

I know.

We're having trouble making more parent calls.

We're working on it.

Well, yeah.

How you doing, DTT?

How's that?

Good.

How about you?

Good.

How's Michigan?

Is it cold up there?

Yeah, I'm going to leave it for three days.

I'm going out.

You going to Lebanon or just going to...

No, I'm going to somewhere.

Oh, to somewhere.

Okay.

We're going to stalk you.

We'll keep it secret.

Okay, man.

That's fine.

Yeah, how are you feeling, man?

I'm all right.

You know, I had a headache all day, but I had a really busy...

You're on the air, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

What's up, everybody?

Hey, yeah, you're on the air.

Everybody hears you.

I don't know.

How's Saigon stop being like a bitch?

Is Saigon...

Who is Saigon in the chatroom?

I know who he is.

Jimmy.

Jimmy Connors.

Is that who it is?

Yeah, he's being like a bitch.

Oh, that's fine, man.

Just, I don't know.

He's, Saigon, he stirs the pot.

He's a funny dude.

Yeah, he is.

I like that bitch.

Yeah.

He's about as funny as a smelly ass.

Milkman says he's about as funny as a smelly ass.

Yeah.

He told him, huh?

Yeah, he's a good guy, man.

Yeah, that's cool.

I'm going to go to this place.

I'm going to try to plug PCR.

Oh, yeah, man.

Do that shit.

Plug the madhouse, too, man.

Don't forget us.

I'm going to plug the madhouse.

I do it in the chat room, always.

I like you guys crank.

All right.

Well, I was going to ask you, I was going to ask you right quick.

What the hell was it?

I forgot.

What, what, what, what?

I forgot, man.

I was going to ask you something, but, yeah, what did you have for dinner tonight?

That's what I was going to ask you.

I wonder what you had, like, to eat.

Pasta.

Pasta?

Yeah.

Yeah?

You don't, do you don't eat, I mean, you're halal, right?

You eat halal?

Yeah, it's all good.

Yeah?

I mean, do you ever have, you never have, like, I'm not trying to offend you, but you

never had, like, sausage on your pizza on accident or anything?

No, no.

No, yeah, yeah, beef sausage, kosher.

Oh, beef sausage.

Okay.

But it's not the same, though.

Yeah, like, Dr. Lego doesn't eat pork.

Yeah, I think he doesn't follow it, though.

He doesn't, kosher, he doesn't follow the kosher thing.

Well, that's something.

All right, man.

Okay, I'll talk to you later.

All right, bro, take care of yourself.

Say hi to the scene and everything.

I will, no problem.

The home clone gone and everybody.

And Milkman, they're here.

Where's Madman and Green Green?

Green Green, he was supposed to come over.

I didn't hear from him.

And then Madman, I don't know either, man.

I don't know.

Okay.

I think Madman just showed up

Alright man, peace out

Well that's DTT everybody

I don't know what to say about that

So what are we gonna do man, I don't understand

What's happening

I'm trying to find Crazy Fucker's number

But I don't remember when he last called here

So I can find the number

I'm looking in the call logs here

We're gonna go to 200 calls per page

He's gotta be 1 in 200 people

Have called his show last

This guy used to always call in every week

Ever since we took our break

he hasn't called back. There's Zolar's number.

Zolar Vijon. There it is.

I found him. Okay, we're gonna call

Crazy Fucker next, as long as no one else calls in.

I forgot about that song. Turn it down.

It's a good song. Turn what down?

Yeah, it is. Oh, I'm telling him to already.

Oh, okay. He's always listening

in the background. Hey, dude, what's up, man?

Cheers from the Howard Stern Show!

What's up, High Pitch? How you doing, brother?

Hi! I'm not too

fucking good, I'm done. Stop by the

subway? Stern Show, and they'll

You sound more like Anna Nicole Smith than Hype Edge Eric right now, though, to be honest with you.

Yeah, you see, we're telling you to turn it down.

Hey, turn it down.

Yeah, what's up, man?

Not bad. Where have you been for the last month?

Oh, shit. I've been, man, I quit drinking.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, I quit drinking.

Did you find the Lord?

Good for you, man. Start smoking.

I found the Lord, man, but I found that unless I stopped drinking, I was going to meet the Lord pretty damn quick.

Really?

And I wasn't, yeah, you know.

Yeah, I was telling you, man, I don't know what it is.

I think they're putting something in the alcohol, man, but I think they're putting, like, fucking poison in the alcohol.

Oh, come on now.

You really think that?

Yeah, or else it's just accumulation of years of alcohol abuse.

Okay, so you think it's just taking a toll on your body now?

What the fuck was that?

What was that?

I don't know.

Something was coming back on feedback.

I apologize, sir.

Yeah, I'll tell you, man.

Quit drinking alcohol, and it's a whole new movie, man.

It's like now I wake up in the morning, and I'm not all fucking sick and weak.

Well, that's good.

And it's been how long now, three weeks sober?

About a month now.

Wow, man.

That's good.

So you're off now.

Are you smoking?

About a month.

Are you smoking or anything like that?

No, man.

I shit, man.

This fucking weed out here is so fucking expensive.

I can't afford no fucking weed.

Redoing the Mad Dog 420, man.

I know I could go about 400 miles from here and get all the weed I want for free,

but fuck, man, I don't need it that bad to do that.

For free? Are you stealing it?

No, no, no.

It would be given as a gift to me if I go there.

All right, man. That's good.

But I'm not at that.

that well don't don't don't go back to it man it's it's all good well oh yeah it's like i i i

use marijuana like a sacrament man if i if i try to use it in a frivolous manner and use it like a

like drinking a beer that it's like it gets me really fucking paranoid but uh if i use it like

a sacrament and I use it like a meditation aid right and like you know

to try to be totally in the here and then now that then it's really

beneficial yeah but when you get to the point where you're kind of you have to

have it to you know you have to have to wake up in the morning to get by the day

you know I mean that's that kind of thing you got more you know addicted so

You can't really get addicted to weed, but you get a psychological addiction to getting high, is what it is.

Yeah, and it's like I know people, man, that just smoke it like cigarettes, man,

and it seems like they don't really get off on it.

But I do it so infrequently that when I do take a toke, man, it's like almost going on an acid trip.

It is a mild form of acid or whatever, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

It's definitely a good thing.

And, man, it just fucking pisses me off the way these motherfuckers have made alcohol legal.

And they've got these big distilleries and breweries everywhere.

Right.

And it's like, if you've ever been, like, in areas where they've got these big distilleries and breweries,

you ought to see what they do to the waterways, and they totally put out toxic wastes into the fucking waterways.

To make beer?

Oh, wherever they manufacture alcohol.

Really? That sucks.

Yeah, no shit. It's a dirty process, dude.

Oh, you're drinking all that?

But, but now, but now they're like, well, it was in the past, but now a lot of these breweries, they, they take, like, their, uh, the shit that's left over after, uh, like, brewing the beer, and, uh, they turn it into, like, animal feed, and that's good, but in years, I, I, you know, up in, uh, Washington State, there was, you ever heard of, uh, Olympia beer?

No, I can't say I have.

Sounds like it's a local thing.

Well, it was, yeah.

I have.

Uh, manufacturing Tumwater, Washington, and they had a big river running by there, man.

They polluted the fuck out of the river making that beer.

Yeah.

Hey, man, real quick, can you hear Cloned and Milkman when they're talking?

What?

Can you hear Cloned and Milkman on the line when they talk?

No, I can't.

You can't hear anything?

Hey, I want you, Carlito, you're a computer guy.

You know anything about this Internet 2?

Internet 2?

Internet 2, they call it.

But, yeah, like, I hear they're going to try to shut down the Internet the way it is

and go to Internet, too, and make file sharing illegal and shit on the Internet.

No, that'll never happen, man.

Really?

Impossible.

Yeah, I mean, there's an Internet, too, but it's only used by universities.

There is a second Internet.

There is.

But universities and, like, government institutions, they use that because if they need to, you know,

transmit shit to each other, government-wise, like, important people,

They don't want to use the existing internet because it's all full of people gaming and downloading porn and other crap.

So they have a much quicker internet they use.

That's what I understand.

Oh, really?

So it's been around for a while, huh?

I think like since the 90s.

It's the one, you know, when Al Gore said he was instrumental in creating the new internet?

Oh, it was when in the 90s.

Yeah, well, he...

When in the 90s did he say that?

I don't know.

It was during...

He was still vice president, and then when he was running for president against Mr. Bush,

Bush made fun of him saying, oh, he said he invented the Internet

when he was actually, he was instrumental in pushing forward the legislation

to build the second Internet that kind of is just used by major institutions

so they can transfer files, and it's much quicker and much more reliable than what we would use.

That's what I understand. I don't know.

Oh, well, that's good. That's like, yeah, because I think Internet's great, man,

and I think that it should be like equal access for all people.

Yeah, it should be.

And that's what the Internet's all about, unless you're in China.

Hey, anyway, man, you're having a great show, man.

I really enjoy listening to your program.

Hey, you used to call Art Bell, right?

Isn't that your deal?

Didn't you used to call Art Bell a lot?

Yeah, in the early 90s.

Yeah, that's when Art Bell was good, man, back when the whole X-Files was on TV

and the whole black helicopters and all that.

Right, yeah.

Area 51 and stuff.

Back in the survivalist days, man.

Before Y2K.

All his commercials was, yeah, you better put away 50 years worth of food

because Armageddon's coming tomorrow, and it's going to be no more.

There's going to be the military around all the supermarkets,

and he'd have commercials where you could buy 50 years worth of food

in freeze-dried cans and shit, you know.

Guaranteed to last 50 years.

When you're the last person walking around on the earth

after everybody's died of the radiation poisoning,

then you will have granola, fresh granola.

Yeah, that's going to save you.

That will last you to the year 2075, guaranteed.

That's bullshit.

Only $1,000 a can.

Yeah, they were selling that.

The Christian people, I talked about this last week,

the Christian groups were out there selling that on TV,

on infomercials and stuff.

Yeah, the Mormons are really big into that shit.

Yeah, they're freaks.

The Mormons got a whole fucking mountain, man,

where they can, you know, when the shit hits the fan,

all the Mormons are going to go underneath the mountain into this big fucking city

and, you know, breathe with these little 14, 15-year-old girls.

Yeah, that's what those Mormons are.

Those Mormons are into that, you know.

Oh, they really are, man.

The extremist ones, they have like, you know, four or five wives

and sometimes they'll be, you know, 14, 15 years old and stuff.

Yeah, well, the break-off polygamists of the Mormon church,

Church, they have a whole city somewhere that's, they have a whole fucking city where the cops and everybody is fucking polygamist and, you know, they're rich dudes, though, you know, they can, fuck, dude, I get, I get a girl, one girlfriend, man, she's always bitching, you know, she's always bitching about fucking buy me this, buy me that, I can barely, I can't even afford one when, man, these motherfuckers, some of them got five or six and they all got their own houses.

and they buy them each a house.

That's fucked up, dude.

Yeah, them guys are true fucking,

them guys, they're a true Hugh Hefner,

they're true Hugh Hefner type fucking people, man,

where they're so obsessed with this shit

that they got a five wives.

All right, man, we're going to head off here.

All right, man.

We'll talk to you next week, man,

and we missed you.

Be sure to call in if I don't call you next week, all right?

Yeah, look, can I just say one thing?

Sure.

And that's, that I'm trying not, I'm trying to get over being really opinionated.

Going to prison really fucked my mind up where now I've got an opinion about everything.

And I don't like that in myself.

I try to love everybody on earth and accept everybody as my brother and sister.

And I really am sorry if I, if I sound really opinionated because I don't really know shit.

I'm a dumb fucker from California.

That's what they say.

And I'll tell you this, but I know this, man.

And I hope you all have a merry, merry Christmas.

And I hope that when Santa Claus comes down your chimney,

that you're all bent over and greased up and ready to receive his gift.

All right.

Very well said.

Merry Christmas.

Yeah.

All right, brother.

Okay.

Goodbye.

That was a very uplifting call from a crazy fucker from California.

Hang on, guys.

I've got to unmute you here.

Clone is on.

Milkman's on.

So, yeah.

Hey, dude.

Who is Mad Radio?

Mad Radio is Mad Man.

And yeah, I was going to say, if either you or Milkman, can you kindly give Mad Man the

information for the stream here, for the Sin stream, so he could join in?

That'd be great.

Thanks, guys.

Any Milkman?

No, Milkman will take care of it.

He does, or whoever, whatever.

One of you two figure it out.

I appreciate that.

I've got to take a break real quick, though.

I thought he was Jonathan.

I didn't know.

Nope.

It is.

Yeah, I know, right?

Funny.

But no, it is really Mad Man.

man. We got to get him on the line here.

Yeah, so the show is progressing here.

We have a lot of callers tonight, which is

always appreciated. Takes the heat off of me.

If you guys want to call in and talk

some shit, if you want to do a prank call,

it looks like we have a working

phone card now, and Lonesome

Loser has tested it. It is blocking

the numbers.

Coming up as a restricted call. Super.

All right, guys. We're going to do about another hour

of show here. We'll be signing off around 1220

p.m. more than likely, so be sure

to stay tuned. In the meantime,

i need to take a break i apologize we're gonna set everything up and we'll come back and knock

it all down all right you guys here with me still milkman milkman left clone will be here though

hang on folks we'll be right back after this i don't know we'll be back in about five minutes

folks don't go anywhere well we steamed your ass in world war ii what do you have to you piss off

woman we don't need you anyway bitch you are listening to the madhouse radio podcast everybody

We are back

Madhouse Radio is back

Milkman is here

Clone Homegrown is here

Yeah man

And we got

Dr. Lego on the line also

Let me patch Dr. Lego

In here with us

Dr. Brad

You're on the air

What's up everybody

How's y'all doing

How you doing Carlito

I didn't get to hear the show

I was doing some editing

But

Oh

I wanted to listen

But I had somebody over here

I was editing a video

For something

I am Porno

The band called Zebra

Zebra

Yeah a band from like

The 80's

But I just wanted to call in and tell you that everybody was excited about you being on,

and I'm glad you're on, and I hope you're having a good show.

Right on, man. We're doing a good job tonight.

We have a phone card problem, but I think we have it fixed.

We're going to do it in about another hour here.

Awesome, bro. Awesome. So the flow is flowing?

It's flowing a lot better than it did last week, I'll tell you what.

Because you just got to get yourself back in the groove.

Yeah, I had been out for like a month, so it took me a night to get back in the groove

and get used to the new setup, but, yeah, it's all good, man.

Yeah, you know what I love about you, man?

Remember that show I did a while ago where I was, like,

telling people interesting facts about, like, McDonald's food,

about how there was no milk in the shakes, but you corrected me.

You found out all the ingredients.

Yeah, there is milk in it, and there's a lot of other crap in there.

And there's all this, like, chicken gumbo and all this other kind of shit.

But I found out a very interesting fact today that I was reading about on the Internet.

I thought I'd like to share it with the people on your show.

Is it my award for being Man of the Year?

Well, besides that one.

Okay.

Besides that one.

All right.

Do you know that 80% of people that pick their nose at the desk wipe it under their chair?

Under their chair?

Yeah.

Really?

I think the other half are probably eating it.

Well, 80% wipe it under their chair.

Do you ever see people pick their nose in the car in traffic?

Oh, dude, that's the funniest thing. I wish I had a video camera.

Yeah, I stared at some cat yesterday on the way home from work.

He was picking his nose for like a good ten minutes, I'd say.

We're at a red light, and he was picking his nose. I mean, he was digging.

I just sat there and stared at him, and then he looked at me at the very end,

and he got like this pale look on his face and shit.

I was like, ha ha, you bitch.

Like, I'm never going to see him again.

But I do it all the time, too. I pick my nose in traffic all the time.

Yeah, yeah, because, you know, you get bored and there's like nothing to do.

But you know what it is, what do you do, let me ask you this, you ever have a problem where you go to pick your nose and you think you're just going to be doing a normal picking, but then this fucking big booger comes out and it might be a little loose or whatever, and you go to flick it and it won't flick off your finger, then what do you do?

I don't know, man, I have to wipe it on your, you know what, I usually, in a pinch, I'll wipe it on the back of my knee, on my jeans.

Really?

Yeah.

On the back of your knee?

On the back of the knee, yeah.

I've never done that.

I don't know why.

People keep walking around, people, don't people, like, behind you go, hey, man, you got, you got, like, boogers on the back of your head.

You might see it, but, you know, most of the time when you're walking, they're not going to be seeing it,

and half the time, you know, it's going to be covered because your knee's bent when you're walking.

All right, all right, well, you know, I, I, I just, I'm going to try that.

Try it.

What about if you put it, like, on your heel?

I guess you could do that, but, I mean, if you're in traffic, that's if you're, if you're driving at the time.

If you're in traffic.

You don't want to do that, yeah, because, yeah, you're getting a crash, an accident, man.

I gotcha.

That's probably good.

Because if you can't flick it out the window, if it won't flick off, you've got to do something with it.

Some people probably eat that shit.

Yeah, that's nasty.

I don't eat that.

That's nasty.

Me neither.

I can't be eating the boogers.

I think I tried to once when I was four years old, and it was so nasty, I think I gagged and almost threw up.

I think I've seen Kimmy eat the booger, though.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

It kind of ruined the whole thing for me.

Two things I can't take about a chick is I can't, like, go into the bathroom after they've been in there

and, like, if they left a floater floating around, that just don't work for me.

And then the other thing is the flicker, the booger thing.

You know what?

Athena hates it when I leave a floater.

Like, I'll do it on accident.

Like, I don't know.

For some reason, I had this thing where I would get high in the morning,

and I'd go take my morning shit, and I'd leave it there, and I'd forget to flush it.

And she'd get up, you know, to go use the bathroom in the morning.

She'd see it, and she'd get so pissed off at me.

I thought you had OCD, man.

Huh? What?

I thought you was a big OCD man.

A big what?

OCD.

ODD? Who, me or her?

OCD. He said OCD.

OCD?

Me? I am, yeah.

But sometimes I forget to flush the toilet.

How could you forget not to flush?

I don't know how I do it, dude.

Honestly, I don't know how I do it.

Can you hear him?

Lego, can you hear him?

He's a little broken up, but how's he coming in?

On the phone or somehow else?

He's on the phone patch with the computer.

Oh, he's a little, he's a little break, broken up.

Hey, Lego.

There's Clone.

What's up, man?

You can hear Clone.

That's good.

What's up, Cloney?

What's up, brother?

Lego, Lego.

Hey, what's going on, Miller?

Dr. Motherfucking Lego.

Wow.

Yo, so, you know, Earthdog, I think, is mad at me.

Oh, he gets a little pissed sometimes.

What'd you do?

Well, he had made a new logo for Prank Call Radio

and changed it without telling anybody,

but I really like the logo I created for Prank Call Radio,

and I put it back.

And I didn't know that he did it,

but the one he made, I didn't feel it went with the site.

But, I mean, he does so much good work for us

that I don't want him to be, like, take offense to it.

I just really like what I created, you know?

Yeah, he's a machine.

He's good at what he does, man.

Man, he made that 98.6 to mouth banner, like, in ten minutes once, man.

Yeah, no, he does great shit, and I even think what he did was really cool.

I just didn't feel it well with the site, and I kind of, I kind of, like, I'm branding that piece,

that prank call radio thing that I've done.

I want to make up shirts and hats.

Yeah, you got to get a store.

Get one of those stores, man, on Cafe Press or something.

Yeah, no, dude, I'm going to have, like, real, I mean, Cafe Press is cool, but it's very expensive.

I have a friend who makes T-shirts.

He's got a T-shirt printing business.

I can get him good deals.

Cool.

I'm going to be pressing a CD here myself next month.

Well, you let me know, man.

I'll buy a copy.

I'll send you a copy, man.

It's cool.

Put that in rotation.

And I've got to send you the high-pitched Eric thing, too.

The high-pitched Eric being chased by a fish.

I'll send it to you.

Oh, yeah, dude.

I want to put that in the rotation system.

I was going to say, I'm redoing the whole rotation,

And I'm also changing the port number of our show, of our stream, to 8017.

Because for whatever reason, port 8000, I can't get listed in ChildCast.

So I'm changing it.

I don't know what happened, but I did a test, and the other port will get listed.

But 8000 won't?

That sucks.

Yeah, I don't know why.

I can't figure it for the life of me.

I tried everything.

I reinstalled it.

I rebooted it.

I, you know, I fisted my dog.

Nothing happened.

Wow, that's gross.

But that's good, man.

Yeah, I guess we're going to lose some listeners.

You've got to work it in.

You know what?

Can you leave both up for a little while?

Just do a, you know, like wean everybody off to the other one eventually?

I don't know if I can.

I'll try.

Try.

That would work perfectly if you could.

Or at least give people some time to spread the word before you do it.

Yeah, well, that's what I'm telling you tonight.

And maybe I'm figuring doing it.

Hey, you want to do a...

Prank call?

Are you going to be around, like, you know, New Year's Eve or, you know,

I was even thinking maybe even Christmas Eve, you know.

So I was thinking of doing, like, you know, some pranks.

Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve is Sunday.

Yeah.

No, I have to get my mom.

My mom's flying out to Puerto Rico of all days on Christmas Day.

What?

So I'm actually going to spend the night there and then give her a ride to the airport here in Orlando and come back.

Yeah, I was thinking of doing, like, an all-star show because, you know, everybody's home on the holidays.

And I figured it would be a...

What about the Saturday before?

What about this Saturday?

Do a holiday special.

I'm doing a gig Saturday night.

Oh, shit.

I got to play.

My band is playing.

Well, New Year's, then.

We can do New Year's for sure.

I could host it because I got the phone patch and everything.

Yeah, let's do New Year's.

We'll do New Year's.

And then, yeah, because this Saturday, too, I think Serial's doing a show.

It's, you know, his night.

I don't want to cut in on him.

Well, if we do New Year's, if I host it, I'll have the phone patch,

and I can have you guys do the pranks.

I'll dial all the pranks and all that.

See what I mean?

That's fine.

That sounds like a good plan.

All right.

I'll do that.

All right.

All right, man.

I'm going to let you go.

I just really called in.

And then, you know, Zudo called me before, and he was like, you know, how come you're not on?

I'm like, dude, I'm editing, but, you know, it's all good.

And he's like, yeah, just a couple people asking for you, and I was like, all right, cool.

So I got finished.

I called in.

I'm glad it's going good.

I didn't get to hear it, but I can't wait to get a replay.

All right, man.

No problem.

It'll be up.

All right.

Have a good night, everybody.

All right.

See you later, man.

Dr. Lego, everybody.

Dr. Motherfucker.

Dr. Motherfucking Lego.

And there it is, everybody.

Dr. Lego just called in.

How about that?

Oh, yeah, I got people on mute.

Whoops.

Hang on, Clone.

Clone is free.

Milkman is free.

Milkman, why are you under Clone Homegrown tonight?

What's going on with that?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Jeez.

All right, guys.

We continue on.

What are you talking about?

In the team speak.

I'm usually, I'm used to, I'm unmuting you first and then Clone and then you're under.

So, speaking of TeamSpeak, I don't know the password to give Mad.

I do.

Someone give it to him.

He has it.

He has it?

He's having a problem.

Oh, he can't connect to it.

I tried everything, man.

He's having a problem, man.

He's on a different computer.

Oh, okay.

I see.

He's got to set it up probably.

Oh, he'll figure it out.

He's smart.

He's a smart cat.

Man, I pasted him exactly what I have, and he can't get in, man.

He'll be in in a little bit.

Well, he's an idiot.

How about that?

Ha ha.

Okay.

He'll get figured out.

I'm sorry, man. Just kidding.

We got to do some prank calls, man.

A lot of people calling in. That's always beautiful.

Everybody, be sure to visit us online.

MadHouseLive.com

MadHouseLive.com if you want to call in.

The toll-free line is open.

888-278-8509

If you want to reach us here,

MadHouseRadio on AOL Instant Messenger.

MadHouseRadio, AOL Instant Messenger.

Be sure to visit

MadHouseLive.com

And all our affiliates out there, PCU Prank Call Underground Radio, PCUradio.com, as well as PrankCallRadio.com.

We love you all.

I'd like to thank all 52 of you for listening right now.

All 52 of you who are tuned.

I still love those illustrations that Tuck did.

Yeah, the Nazi ones.

Yeah, those are fucking hilarious.

Those are fucking hilarious.

Tuck's a cool guy.

All right, guys.

Hang on.

We're going to call Bing's Kitchen.

We're going to call Boo the Clown.

Boo, B-O-O the Clown.

Before it's too late.

Hang on, folks.

Next prank call is coming right up.

Sucks.

Now, the phone card I got from Lonesome Loser is not working.

The second one you sent, Lonesome Loser is not working.

Let me try the other one here.

Dude.

Yo.

You guys have to hear this.

This is fucking insane.

This Lonesome Loser, he bought one of those spoof cards.

This thing gives you the fucking option to change your voice to that of a woman if you want for free.

I'm not fucking sure.

That's like spoof tale.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've never used that before.

Hang on.

Have you used it yet, Clown?

No, but it's got a voice changer.

It's got where you can record it to your email.

I've got to try that.

Hang on.

I wonder if we can hear it.

I don't think so.

Hello?

How are you doing?

I need to speak to Boo the Clown, please.

Who's calling?

My name is Marissa.

Okay, and what are you calling in regards to?

I'm calling to book the clown.

Okay, and where is the location of the party?

It's at the St. Louis Municipal Theater.

The St. Louis Municipal Theater?

Yes.

Okay, and when is the event?

It's gonna be next Thursday.

Uh, he's not available.

When is he available then?

What are you looking for?

Are you trying to block me because I'm a woman?

No.

Do I not sound like a woman to you?

It has nothing to do with whether you're a male or a female.

Well, do I sound like a man to you?

No.

What do I sound like, a woman?

Dammit.

What an asshole.

Fuck with a clown.

I can't hear it.

I have no idea what it...

I guess it just...

I wanna...

I really wanna hear what that voice sounds like if it sounds like a woman.

Call your cell phone.

Yeah, I'll do that later.

I'll try it later.

We're doing the show, man.

Anyway, we fucked around with that.

I'm sorry, guys, this is really, uh, we're not having a good time tonight.

I'm sorry.

Okay, so we tried Boo the Clown, instead we will now try Bing's Kitchen.

No, Narcotics Anonymous 24-Hour Helpline, that's the one.

We're gonna call Narcotics Anonymous 24-Hour Helpline.

One moment.

Heather Graham is so awesome in that movie.

What's her name, the redhead?

What was her name in the movie?

Her porno name?

This is Jerry, how can I help you?

Hey, how you doing, Jerry?

Alright.

Is this the helpline?

It is.

Okay. I haven't smoked crack in quite a while, and I've got a bag of it right here, and I've got my horn, and I'm afraid I'm going to do it again.

Okay. So you've got some there with you?

Yeah. You're not a cop, are you?

No, I'm an addict.

You are?

Yeah.

What are you in for?

I'm in for, you know, I wasn't a crack smoker. I did a lot of powder cocaine myself.

Oh, that's some good stuff right there, though.

I did it for many years.

I was a euthanatic for 27 years

before I finally was able to...

So what do you do now, hyperventilate?

Actually, no, I'm living a clean and sober life

and enjoying myself, having a good time.

Is this one of those I'm saved kind of things?

What's that?

Is this one of those I'm saved kind of things?

I'm saved. What do you mean?

Well, you know, like, do I have to be saved by Jesus

to become a member of...

No, it's got nothing to do with that.

You got the 10-step plan?

The 12-step, actually.

12 steps? What are the steps? Let's go. Come on, number one.

Number one, the first thing you've got to do is you stop.

Okay.

That's probably the hardest step, okay?

The thing is, once you stop, then you've got to learn how to live without it.

It's not fun.

No, it's definitely not fun. It's hard. It's a battle, especially at first.

As time goes on, it gets easier.

Of course, it's easier to stay clean than it is to get clean.

To get clean is very difficult.

Some people have to get treatment.

it. How long until I'm clean? When do I know if I'm clean or not? Well, here's what you

do. I'm sorry. Hang on. All right. Here's the thing. You want to get clean now? Throw

all that shit down that toilet. Wash it down the toilet. In the toilet? Yeah. Stop using

right now. Uh-huh. And then tomorrow will be your first clean day. Hang on. I'm just

going to get one little hit here. Hang on. All right. Did you never try to smell crack

No, I was afraid of it because of what I've seen it do to me, basically.

You know, a lot of them sold their bodies, sold everything they owned to get another hit.

Yeah, that's good. That's what I'm talking about.

That's what I'm talking about right there. Another hit.

So what was your drink of choice?

Drink?

Yeah.

I don't know. I drank a lot of beer and whiskey.

Ah, that's what I'm talking about. I got some Michelob Light right here.

Come on. Check this out.

Puppy, don't you miss that?

No. No, actually, I don't. You're just killing yourself.

Don't you remember how fun it was to get drunk and get behind a wheel of a car?

No, I don't.

I remember going to jail.

I remember being locked up in the hospital.

Oh, so they force this on you.

I remember being close to death.

This is a court order thing?

I remember putting other people in the path of danger.

I remember all I gave a shit was about myself.

I didn't give a shit about anybody else in this world.

That's what I remember.

I remember the total self-centeredness of the disease of addiction.

The part, like right now, when you're taking that hit of crack, you're just killing yourself.

And slowly, because you're chicken, you don't want to do it all at once.

You want to do it slowly. You just want to kill yourself. That's how it works.

You're basically just killing yourself.

And you're fooling yourself. Your mind is fooling you, telling you how great it is.

But in reality, you're killing yourself.

It will happen.

If you want some help, I would suggest...

Can I come in?

You can come to the meeting. We have meetings all over the metro area.

you might uh well since you're a crack smoker you might want to i don't like the way you say

crack smoker sir okay well you're a crack head how's that you know who i really am you're a

crack head no yeah i'm satan and i'm calling to tempt you well wonderful would you like a drink

of alcohol would you sir help and you're very uh you're psychotic anyway when you're ready to get

some help hey when you're ready for some help when you're ready for some help feel free to call here

until then keep killing yourself hey did i tell you about my chapstick okay that was what it was

i don't know if that was funny or not but that was what it was i really that was good man i have

choked myself i have choked myself on some shit on some beer some warm beer that was really now

i almost threw up wow ref says wow your crack rock sounded like burning leaves you know what

that was like all ash and i got like a ton of ash in my in my lungs now because of that um my bad

Do you know Rev grows weed, man?

I mean, what's up, clone?

You used to be the resident grower here.

What happened, man?

He dethroned you.

That's sad.

I know.

No, I've seen his shit.

Yeah?

That's cool.

Are you cool with Rev?

Is he cool with you?

Or are you guys on speaking terms?

What's the deal with you two?

We talk.

That's good.

Good for you.

I see we have a lot of listeners still right now, which is a good sign.

You said Athena always needs attention.

You know, Athena isn't even here at the house.

She left me for Christmas to hang out with her family.

They're going to be there for her.

I'm her family.

Me.

I had to cook all by myself today.

I had to cook for myself.

Can you believe I had to cook for myself today and I had to clean the house all by myself?

Isn't that a bunch of bullshit?

Oh, man.

That TV dinner was killer to make him warm up.

These women, they just decide they want to get up and go and have a vacation.

Who's going to clean the house?

Who's going to cook?

It's not fair.

TV dinner.

We have another caller here.

Hang on.

Madhouse Radio, you're on the air.

Hey, what's up, hey?

Jack, is this a radio program?

It has been for the good part of the hour.

How are you doing, Ted?

Or Jack?

Oh, shit, we got an echo here.

That's kind of scary.

Hang on.

What's up, man?

How you doing, bro?

I'm wonderful.

I just got done bleaching all the walls.

And I've checked every light switch in the house three times.

Three times?

Yeah.

Otherwise, very bad things are going to happen.

Is that the OCD thing?

Yeah.

I do stuff in twos, to be honest with you.

You know my OCD, I have to eat, um, like, if I'm eating cheese doodles, I have to eat them in twos.

You ever stick two up your nose?

No, never, I've never stuck a, that would hurt, a cheese doodle in the nose, man.

Maybe, uh, maybe a Cheeto, but not a cheese doodle, though.

Yeah, cheese doodles, they have girth.

What do you prefer, cheese doodles or Cheetos?

Um, I can't.

You can't eat them in, oh, that's right, yeah, you're vegan.

No, there's, there's these, um, awful people make them and then they have germs on their hands.

Oh, well, that's gross.

That's a big letdown.

Well, they have the natural stuff you can get at the natural food store, you know.

Well, what I do before I eat my food is I sterilize it.

I'll take a Boca patty, and then I'll heat up some bleach, and I'll dip it in for a while, and then it's safe to eat.

You ever do that?

Boca burgers are good.

You've got to put some mushrooms on top of them.

No, shrooms are terrible.

Shrooms are terrible?

Shrooms are good, man.

Come on.

You get some portabellos on that, bitch, it's all good.

Fungus.

They're not fun.

They're good for you.

everybody should eat mushrooms tonight

anyway so how do milkman and clone

clone and milkman are both reporting

yeah go ahead and eat mushrooms and all that

hey kiddo

eat mushrooms everyday

that's right

can you bless us

with some Bubba Johnson

we have a black establishment we can call

alright we got

Bill's Friendly Market

this is in Santa Rosa

that's just trouble

whenever they have to say that they're friendly

they're usually not friendly

I know.

It's more like, yeah, we're in the ghetto, but honestly, we're friendly here.

Don't worry.

We got a gun under the register, but we're friendly.

We got a machete and a gun within arm's distance at any time.

But, yeah, we're still friendly.

We're still friendly.

All right, we're going to play some Johnny Cash here.

We're going to play Milkman.

What do you want to hear Johnny Cash-wise?

Oh, man, play the song, My Pain, the last song.

My Pain, the last song?

Oh.

Yeah, the last song he did.

Oh, Hurt?

Eh, it's kind of slow.

How about God's Going to Cut You Down?

I'll play that one. I'll play this one here.

Hang on folks.

The next prank call of the night is coming right at you.

Yes.

Turn transmission.

Head over there. I got your transmissions right here if you're ready for my transition.

I'm receiving transmissions.

Where's my transmission at?

In the beginning.

Okay, here goes the transmission.

Okay, here's a dirty whore.

Do you copy?

Yes, I do. Um, how many copies would you like?

About four.

Would you like, uh, duplex? You know, duplex print?

Yes.

Glossy print, please.

Thank you. Thank you for shopping with me.

Alright.

Zero that gas, man.

I'm working on it. Hang on, let me shut that off.

3MP 238.

Let me clear the line here so we don't leave a three hour message for this dude.

Okay.

Yeah, man. That was something.

I don't think I have any other numbers here, dude.

I have a number that, let's see if I still have it.

Send it in, man.

It was a prank request.

Why don't we call Debra Mansfield?

Oh, that's right, we got Debra Mansfield.

Hell yeah, we should call her.

When did you send that?

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Where is Debra Mansfield's number?

I'm bringing it down, man.

Well, hell, send it, man.

Fuck.

You're bringing us down, Milkman, as always.

Jeez.

Man, it's not like he told you not to an hour ago.

Oh, you got a point.

Now I'm bringing it up.

Okay.

You have a card.

Right.

Why do you always have to bring up old?

I don't know, man.

Debra Mansfield's a funny lady.

She's a bus driver, and she uses drugs.

And we've harassed her a lot, a lot of times, a lot of times.

Yeah.

That's a recipe for her.

All right.

Milkman's going to send that in.

Drugged out bus driver.

Yeah.

Hang on.

We'll get you to talk to her.

Talk to her as Boba Johnson.

Hang on.

Give me a second here.

Is she black or what?

She is very black.

Black as the ace of spades.

Yo, this is Boba Johnson.

What's up?

How are you?

My name is Boba.

I'm sorry, you have the wrong number.

No, I don't.

let me talk to deborah that's cool i'm sorry you got the wrong number well who you is

i need to talk to it's very important hello hello is your wife home

hey deborah how's it going all right yo this is bubba who this bubba bubba who bubba john

who is that yo don't act like you don't know who i am you got the right word i got the right number

one and number two i got them all and now i got you on the phone i wanna i wanna converse with

to you a little bit about what happened yesterday. What happened yesterday? Well, we was, was

you shopping yesterday? No. You wasn't? No. Nah, man, I gotta rework my story a minute.

See, what happened was, is I was shopping for my boy. You know, little, little Terrell?

Well, I think you got the wrong person. Nah, seriously, don't, because I, I know I got

my story straight. Now, this is what happened. Terrell wanted a Nintendo Wii. Know what I'm

saying? Mm-hmm. It's that, that game all them kids be wanting now. And I was sitting

in the best buy and he was like playing that golf or whatever he's playing and then the controller

flew out of his damn hand and hit me upside the head i was lying on the floor i started having

dreams about this that another thing and then i came to and the first thing i saw was you who we

you was the first thing i saw when i don't woke up out of being hit upside the head with that

controller oh i still think you had the wrong one because i haven't been the best guy how could i

see you maybe I imagine that shit yeah probably that's what I'm talking about

but now now what I need to do is I need to come over you do yeah because

somebody got to pay for my doctor bill what do you do I think you better get

bent back cuz I think you got the wrong number now look I know this is gonna

sound like implausible but because you was there when I got hit don't manage to

say you liable who you I am thank you wrong I wasn't there you was you was

holding the controller over my my limp body in the in the best buy no i would i think that was

an hallucination i looked ever did your husband my number let me talk put your man on the phone

for a minute huh put your man on the phone we need to talk about man business he's on duty

on duty yeah what's the duty duty in the indian police department damn serving and protecting

that's right he wasn't protecting me at the best buy i'll tell you that much i haven't been no

No, best bastard, you ain't seen me.

You said your husband's serving protectors.

Yeah.

You should have been there and take the controller for me so it wouldn't have hit me.

You would have dived in front of that shit.

Who is this?

This is Bubba Johnson, the dude who got hit upside the head with the weekend.

I don't know no Bubba Johnson.

Well, you do now.

Okay.

Well, I'll hit you up after Christmas because I'm going to need some money afterwards.

Okay.

So I'll hit you up after that.

Yeah.

Get a check back with me, then.

Did you get your check after New Year's?

Huh?

Did you get your check after New Year's?

No, I get a check every day.

Check every day?

Uh.

What you doing, stealing?

Selling drugs?

No.

What you do to get a check every day?

I work.

You work?

Man, that's the old way to make money.

Who is this?

Did you hang up?

I still think you got the wrong person.

Yeah, you work to make money, man.

That's old.

See, what I do, I ain't gonna tell you what I do.

What do you do?

I don't do nothing.

People pay just to look at me.

Oh, you got a truck?

Say what?

You got a truck?

No, people pay just to look at me.

What's about to look at?

You ever go to a circus?

Circus, oh.

With a clam?

No, I'm a big, hairy man that ride on elephants.

Oh, okay.

You interested in something like that?

Huh?

You interested in something like that?

See something like that?

Yeah, you interested in someone like that?

No, not that type of people, man.

Now, if I could control elephants, just think about what I could do for you.

Oh, really?

Well, I already got somebody.

Yeah, and it sounds like you've got that money thing all figured out.

Huh?

Nothing.

Okay.

But you have yourself a Merry Christmas now.

You too.

I'm going to go head off.

I've got an elephant to take care of.

Okay.

And a bump on the head.

All right.

Have a good evening now.

I don't know.

What's in the damn toilet in the back?

That was brilliant.

I don't know.

I had to play a toilet there.

I don't know why.

That's something, though, man.

I'm sorry.

I had to let...

Her husband was a cop.

I had to let my friend in.

Her husband's a cop.

Yeah.

Yeah, right.

Okay.

That's right.

Yeah, it's been a fun night, man

Hey, thanks for calling in, Ted

Do you have your own webpage yet, or is it just PCUradio.com?

No, it's just PCU

PCUradio.com

I kind of redid the site, and I'm kind of redoing it

You need to give me your address so I can send you a copy of my new CD that comes out next month

Okay, I'll message it to you

Alright, cool

Cool, man, alright, I'll catch you later, bro, thanks for calling in

Later

Later, man

Alright, Will, say something

Yeah, what's up, y'all?

Say it again

What's up, everybody?

There you go, see, Will's here, man

man. I had to let Will in. Will's checking

in. Oh, hang on. Are other people

here or not on? That was a good job, Ted.

Ted did a very good job, man. That's cool.

That's cool. You didn't hear the show

at the beginning, what happened. I pranked this

dude, and my caller

ID was going through. It didn't block it.

And then the guy called

back. I was like, oh, shit, man.

He called back, and I messed

around with him, whatever, and he hung up. And then I was like,

oh, shit, man. My caller ID

went out. That's fucked up. And then that

second, I got a call from

From OPD

Did you get that call too?

No I listened in

I was listening

Oh you heard that?

That shit scared the shit out of me

I was like

I was like oh fuck man

That's fucking clockwork

You fucking

Swooped down on me like a hawk

That was something

That was a quiet thing man

That was man

So how was work today Will?

Oh man

It was

It was just

Was it?

We're in queue and shit

We're not gonna be

I'm always late like

I'm always late too

I'm always late

Fuck a job

That's some shit

I might get a job at the university man

Oh man

My UCF ID

Worst picture ever

My university ID that I gotta get

I look like I'm a fucking

I look like Droopy the dog

I'm like all like meh

It's so sad and pathetic

You might need to turn that fan down

Alright so we're here everybody

We're going to continue doing a little bit more show

Will's late but he's here nonetheless

Milkman what's on your mind

beyond me.

Yeah.

Say what now?

What'd you say?

Milkman said...

Unmute me, damn it.

You're not muted.

You haven't been muted at all.

You're unmuted for like five seconds.

Okay, aim.

Allow the registration.

Hey, right click.

Oh, okay, my bad.

I don't know how to do it.

I don't know.

We'll do that after the show.

Anyway.

All right, speak up.

We can barely hear you.

We got a bunch of numbers to call here.

We got some numbers to call.

There you go.

Better.

Okay, we got the Daiquiri Lounge.

We've got Divas International Gentleman's Club.

We got Dongbu Comic Store.

Ooh, a Korean comic book store.

That's some shit right there.

That sounds bad.

They won't answer.

They're from Lonesome Loser.

Comic book store at this time of night?

Dude, Lonesome Loser never fails.

it's uh oh yeah it's like we'll try we'll try they probably won i bet you they won but we'll

try it oh big mama's donuts and goodies a mexican woman answered that one that one that's the one

that's i'm feeling that one right there all right i gotta play good to me play a goddamn song play

two at the same time that's crazy talk hang on folks big mama's donuts and goodies hi how you

doing it's big mama's you you asked for the phone they're pretty quick huh who you want to talk to

I wanted to make an order.

What kind?

For some donuts.

When?

A large order for 6 a.m.

Hmm?

I need to make a large order for 6 a.m.

What's your problem?

Come on.

Hello?

Yeah?

Get on with it.

I'm waiting.

Yeah.

Okay.

You got the pen and paper?

Yeah, I got it.

Are you holding it right?

I'm going to call her right back.

Then you're right.

I don't know.

No, honestly, I didn't even have the headset on.

I didn't know she was on the phone already.

I got caught by surprise.

Wow, so we waited, what, Will?

No, wait a minute.

call back three minutes or call back as jack masterson very good idea milkman's always on

top of things isn't he that's awesome okay we'll call it back as fat albert hang on this will be

much quicker this time i promise you oh she's on your number now yeah she's on us all right fine

what was the first one you read out before the divas club the divas club the daiquiri lounge

before yeah daiquiri lounge daiquiri lounge it's gonna be it's probably gonna be oh that's in

in puerto rico oh yeah it's gonna be loud though you know if they never answer the strippers never

answer it's probably gonna be really loud but i'll try it no problem hang on

i take you out like a mason cut your head off like jason like you're free

talk about that ghost you chase have you seen the skinny little boy that chases the white ghost at

night have you seen a little boy face puffed up and his mind blown his mama's somewhere drinking

And talking about survival

Hots in jail

Or downtown in the Y

The little boy chases white ghosts

With his friends

Hey, Capazzo

What do you say there, man?

Do you speak English?

Yeah

Good God, finally someone speaks English

Hey, man, look

I'm down here at the hotel at the Hilton

And we need to find directions to get to your place

To get to my place?

We're at the Embassy Suites

Yeah, but who sent...

You know where you're going?

You know where I'm at?

What is this?

I don't know what the fuck

I'm at the Embassy Suites

I need to get over to your place

We're having a birthday party

This is called the Zachary Lounge

I know, yeah.

Well, I'm asking you, you're in this Isla Verde, Isla shit, whatever that Spanish shit is, man.

Just tell me how to get there.

All right, well, you just, you got to, how are you coming?

You got a car?

Yeah.

You don't know anything?

You don't know where Isla Verde is?

Yeah, do you drive on the left side or the right side here?

Oh, man.

But you don't know anything about Puerto Rico, right?

You don't know anywhere where it is?

I know there's a bunch of Puerto Ricans here, and no one can give me a glass of water,

and no one gives me directions, so help me out.

Come on, man.

Well, you know where the Hotel San Juan is?

No.

Where are you exactly? Do you know where the stupid Embassy Suites is, man?

The Embassy Suites, yeah.

Yeah, come on, man. You know, they got the casino in it and shit?

Huh?

I'm right there.

Well, you gotta come to the, you gotta, you gotta go to the Hotel San Juan.

Ask somebody where the Hotel San Juan is.

Well, you tell me how to get there, man. Come on.

Look, you spick. How the fuck do I get there?

I don't know how the fuck you get there. Why you gotta talk to me like that, man?

Because you're, because there's no Americans in this stupid stinking island.

No one will give me fucking directions.

Well, maybe, you know, if you go back to the States, you'll find some more Americans.

Hey, why don't you get out of my island, huh? Don't we own this here?

Huh?

Don't we own this over here now?

Yeah, I guess you do.

Yeah, well, give me the Pledge of Allegiance.

That don't give you no reason to disrespect me, man.

This is America, baby.

Yeah, but you don't need to disrespect me. I'm American, too.

Hey, come down here and wash my car.

Yeah, I'll come and wash your car, yeah.

What's so funny? I'm not joking.

Because you don't have your car here.

You Puerto Ricans are great car washers.

Well, thanks, man. Bring it over. I'll wash it for you.

Yeah, you know, it's too bad I didn't go to Mexico, I'll tell you what.

Uh-huh. Yeah, it's cool, man.

Yeah.

No problem.

Yeah, you failed me again.

Hey, man, what's your social security number?

Pardon me?

What's your social security number?

No, man, I'm an illegal alien, bro.

Oh, you see? I knew it.

You damn Puerto Ricans are always illegal.

You're not even a citizen, man.

Let me talk to one of them ladies over there real quick.

I want to talk dirty to her.

You want to talk to a lady?

Yeah.

No, I can't let you talk to a lady.

Come on, man.

The ladies don't like bigots, man.

I'm not a bigot.

You're not?

No, not at all, man.

You sound like a bigot.

I don't know what the hell a bigot is, but I'm not one of them.

I'm an American.

Well, listen, I'm a little bit busy to be wasting my time talking to you, so I'll have to hang up.

You lazy spig.

And when you bring your car down, I'll wash it for you, okay, buddy?

Oh, you lazy spig.

Take it easy.

All right, baby.

Rico checking in, everybody.

That was pretty good, I think.

I don't know.

I feel bad, though.

I stayed at an NBC Suites hotel.

It's right down the street.

I don't know why the guy couldn't tell me.

I know exactly where that is.

It's that hotel he said.

It's the nicer hotel there.

He said he was an American.

He wasn't confrontational at all.

No, he was playing.

He got a little upset when I called him the S-word.

But, yeah, I got to go back to Puerto Rico.

He wasn't really appreciative.

No, no, man.

We got to start a poker night, man.

Maybe.

We might have to do that.

I don't know.

I don't really do the Texas Hold'em.

I know how to play five cards, though.

You ever play Tonk?

Oh, back in the day.

Tonk is the shit, man.

Isn't it like spades?

No.

None of my white friends knew how to play.

Tonk was good.

I used to make some money playing Tonk.

Tonk was good.

And then Blackjack.

Always liked Blackjack, man.

That's the best game to go to the casino.

You play blackjack.

You're going to win.

You got better odds.

Because you're limited.

Yeah, you have the best odds against the house.

That's true, right?

And if you do it right, if you learn how to count cards, you get an advantage.

They kick you out.

And then they kick you out.

That's true.

Any time you win.

If you win too much, the hotel will kick you out.

They will.

They're known to do that, right?

If you get some guy or some high roller making all this money, they'll kick you out.

And they'll ban you.

No, they make you win $100,000 minimum.

Ah, see.

And then they figured, okay, you've got to play here or you can't play on the floor.

So you can't play nickel slots?

That's the stupidest thing.

You ever see those old people playing nickel slots in a casino?

You ever been to a casino, Will?

Yeah.

I went to the one in Florida.

Which one?

The Hard Rock?

The Seminole.

I heard that one sucks, though.

Yeah.

I heard they have, like, video poker and stuff.

Yeah.

I lost, like, $50.

How about them Knolls?

Them Knolls?

Who the hell's calling my cell phone over and over again?

Jesus.

That's my girlfriend.

Whatever.

Nuts.

So, yeah.

No, not Omar.

Not Oma.

I'm thinking one more prank call before we head out.

At least one more.

At least one more?

We tried the Friendly Market.

Who was Chinese Barbecue?

Chinese Barbecue?

Who knew that they would do barbecue?

We called the daiquiri.

Hey, look back on one of our classic lists of numbers.

If I even have any idea where that is, dude.

Hang on.

It would take me too long to get that text file up.

You want to call Charlie Patton?

Charlie Patton?

Yeah, that's the dude, the hypochondriac, right?

Mr. Cell Phone in the Water

it's rumored that he's gotten married

oh really okay let's talk to him

oh man

you can bless his new wedding and get some details

yeah I suppose

that's funny

I don't think he'll fall for any blessings anymore

yeah I don't know

don't tell him to take it up to the poop shooter or anything

just come in real nice like

oh we heard you got married

we want to bestow God's blessings on you

and stuff like that

there you go

Yeah.

Yes, Father McCann.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Hurry up with the number.

McDougan.

Where is it at?

Is it over here?

Charlie Patton.

Look.

Yeah.

I got it.

Okay.

We'll call that.

This is the last fucking call of the night.

Call.

I haven't heard this song in a while.

Cool.

Hang on, everybody.

One moment, please.

Please, and I'll get back to it.

God bless you all.

Thank you very much for your beautiful, blessed message.

Mr. Patton, if you are there, please pick up the phone in the name of Jesus.

This is our present-day Germany.

Okay, then.

It's not beautiful and wonderful.

I sent you a backup number.

Oh, yeah, I saw that.

Well, explain that to me.

You had a whole book that you were writing there.

No, this guy here was, like, sending out emails.

He's wanting guys to suck his cock.

What?

His name's Tony Lee, and he wants to hook up.

Tony Ree?

All right, let me see that.

Tony Lee.

I know, I'm kidding.

So you know I am looking for a very sexual man.

What the good God damn is this?

Tell Khalil to act like Tony Lee.

Send him an email saying he just lost his mind.

Khalil's going gay.

I guess.

I'm going to have to.

I'm going to have to step it up here for everybody.

Randy Dandy says, I hate to be an ass, but this guy is a complete moron.

I have no idea who he's talking about.

But that was at 11.16 p.m.

That must have been crazy fucker.

So that's from Randy Dandy.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, yeah.

Smooth Stunner said, turn the phone a little, please.

Sure.

I'll get right on that.

Athena is saying, do you respond here?

Hey, three kisses.

Are you there?

still

I think I have her muted

alright

hang on I'll unmute her

there she is

oh she muted herself

so fuck it

clone homegrown

is talking some dumb shit

okay

anyway

so what did you send me now

Tony Lee

a guy who has

got his cock sucked

okay fine

I'll call this guy

and this is it

I promise to God

this is it

who said that

you're just high

shut up

damn long

hi every day

you mean

aww come on

you guys are killing me

that's it man

game over

game over man

game over. It's over. You guys

killed it. Hang on. Let me take these fuckers off of

mute real quick. Cloned. Talking

shit. Milkman talking shit. I didn't do shit.

Yeah, whatever. I'll put you right back on mute

if you want. That's it.

Anyway, you guys have any goodbyes to say?

Milkman, you have any news you need to report or anything

you need to say? Make it quick. Yeah, man.

Everybody enjoy the longest night

of the year because this is the longest

nap you're going to get.

Every day will get longer.

And happy Christmas

to everybody. Hanukkah

and everything else

out there

all the holidays

that's right

so we love you

right here in my house

even the Muslims

and the Jews

and the

and the Hindus

and all of them

even them

even them who don't

even them

who celebrate it

yet they shouldn't

celebrate it

that's fine with us

Clone go ahead

and say goodbye

to everybody

Andy we even

kind of like them

we probably

goodbye everybody

I love you

he loves you guys

he's gay

happy

happy Christmas

Merry Hanukkah

yeah

Happy Juvier.

Wow, I didn't even play any Christmas music.

Isn't that fucked up, Will?

You blew that shit.

I didn't play any Christmas music.

That's fucked up.

That is fucked up, dude.

Hang on, let's play some O Tannenbaum shit.

Hang on, look at Charlie Brown here.

I missed you, Madman.

Try and make it next week.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, that's right.

No Madman.

Oh, yeah.

So Christmas, we'll be back after Christmas.

Yeah, you have PC problems.

We'll be back after Christmas next.

I guess we'll do one more show before the end of the year.

So there it is.

Oh, my God.

I forgot to send you the Nightmare Christmas song.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you remember we made such a big deal about that?

We made such a big deal about that.

Yeah, that was hilarious.

Yeah, hang on.

I think I might have that.

God, I hope you do.

I don't.

That was funny.

We kept playing that over and over again.

Yeah, that shit was funny.

Yeah, man.

All right.

Well, we're out of here, folks.

We'll catch you next week.

I'm not going to play this to get out of here.

Fuck that.

Fuck that gay shit.

Oh, yeah, Will.

Say hi and bye.

All right, everybody.

I'll see y'all probably.

Maybe next week.

Maybe next week, Will will be here with us.

That'd be awesome.

Peace out, mom, brother.

Okay, where's the end show shit?

Hang on, here we go.

All right, folks, we'll catch you next week.

Be sure to stay tuned for, I'm going to assume, Rev.

And tomorrow morning, Rev.

And tomorrow night.

Later on, everyone.

Rev will be on tomorrow at 11 p.m.

And he'll be on Saturday morning at 8 a.m.

And Sunday night at 12 p.m.

And more Rev on Monday and Tuesday.

Wednesday, Thursday.

Jesus, I thought it was the Hype and Garrick Network.

What the hell happened?

A vampire?

You're a bum.

You know what, asshole?

Paul, don't try and tell me that I owe you money.

I'm an attorney, ma'am.

I have gas.

Listen.

Hey!

You owe me $5 for breaking the toilet.

Breaking the toilet?

What toilet?

Tell me where rude is this?

The white toilet.

I told you already.

My name is Bo Steen.

I ain't picking up if it's right in front of me.

I don't use anybody's toilet.

You came down to use the toilet.

You took a big shit.

I took a big shit?

Yes.

Man, it wasn't me, pal.

Well, it was not me. You got the wrong guy.

Why don't you tell me in your own words? Be honest.

Sure.

The Russians are upset. We're trying to keep them at peace, all right?

What did they do?

I need you to tell me everything.

I did not do anything.

I mean, there's a guy we could set a wall over there.

God, the judges, I don't know what they're going to think, you know.

What did they do?

Am I in trouble?

Well, yeah, son.

What did they do, sir?

They just violated international law.

I really don't know anything about that, sir.

Well, that's, well, ignorance of the law is no excuse.

use i mean that's what did i do all right we're all gonna get our hand released i was around the

he learned a few styles

he sings well with this king hell headache hit him with an anvil and trigger a scandal

if not just to get free press off the nigga chances and races hourly rate based on how nice

I provide clothes for individuals that come in and buy them from me.

Under slave labor.

No, I don't have any slave labor.

I don't have time for your bullshit.

first of all um

why don't you shut the hell why don't you shut the hell up

no you're not having no you know sex with me yes i am you're gonna like it

you can go to hell you damn republicans

don't call me no boy i ain't no boy go smell their panties while we talk to you

Who the hell is this?

Who the fuck's laughing in the background?

Who is this?

Can you talk to your hot sister?

Fuck you.

If you call again, how old are you?

Thirteen.

Yeah, fucking right.

You sound like you're fucking eighteen or nineteen.

I'm thirteen, I said.

You are.

Fuck.

Come on, let me talk to your sister, man.

Be a pal.

No!

Have you ever seen your sister naked?

No!

Hey, I, uh...

Fuck you.

Look, fuck, man.

You.

I'm not on my fucking street, you fucking badass.

there's a fucking book in my fucking car yeah that's right uh look man i don't know what you

be talking about oh i know what i'm talking about because i fucking recognize your goddamn number

okay look i'm lindsay aloha aloha yeah how you guys doing man i'm staying in hallelujah

you know what i'm saying yes sir and uh i like chicken yes can you bring me some chicken bring

your chicken to the k yo i know but we don't have uh just delivery can you just dip a wing

in your pocket and run it up to me?

Yeah, but I'm the only one over here.

I cannot drop a ticket on you.

We will give you a couple hundred dollars, though.

Send out, guys.

Show me your dick, motherfucker.

Look, you are dick.

You are pussy, motherfucker.

Are you asking me out?

Just come over here.

Are you asking me out?

Hey, just talk to me.

Don't worry about me.

No, just talk to me.

Tell me.

Oh, okay, motherfucker.

Do you know who's your daddy?

No.

Do you know how many guys

fucked your mom before you came?

No.

Oh, that's good.

Go ask her.

How many guys fucked her?

for this game

definitely

are you happy now

yeah I am

that's good

are you happy

I'm happy yeah

with your mom

yeah

and fuck your mom

yeah I'm happy

Calls (19, 35 min of 1 h 50 min)

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