2007-03-08 Show

fucking sick man we're in the air hey what's up everybody good evening madhouse radio is here

we're active mentally active sexually active some of us have venereal diseases what are you what's

the matter will what are you doing i don't know hang on let's let's all stop the music for will

hang on all right we'll count down from five uh nope nothing nothing will no will tonight everybody

no will i'm sorry about that oh you're on mute did you hit the mute button on that yeah there we go

I'm online.

All right.

Yo.

We fixed it.

And Milkman and Jin are here also, guys.

Come on.

Give us a yee-haw.

Hi, everyone.

Yee-haw.

Hey, Jin, give us a good old white power.

I can't do that.

I'm sorry.

Because he's German.

He's afraid.

We say that all the time, and I'm Puerto Rican, man.

You know.

Yeah, we'll say white power.

White power.

White power is the right power.

Oh, yeah, man.

Universal power.

Universal Serial Bus.

Okay, everybody, we're here.

We're riding the Universal Serial Bus all the way to hell tonight.

Mad Man is not around anymore, so we're not going to talk about him.

Why did I say Mad Man?

Any idea why that came to my head?

I don't know.

Whatever.

Milkman, that's the man we got here.

I don't know.

Milkman is here.

Milkman, say what's up.

Give us a good old white power.

What's up, Cardino?

All right, man.

We're back in the madhouse.

Yeah.

And the house is packed, man.

Yeah.

We got quite a few of our ancient listeners from the early days of the Madhouse.

Like who?

I'd like to welcome back.

We got Screamin' Me, also hosted Pranker, T.S. Tech.

We got quite a few of our old friends come back to visit us tonight, man.

All right, yeah.

I'd like to welcome back into the Madhouse.

Good.

Well, I'm happy to hear that.

We got people coming back.

Will, did you know that?

Who?

Those people were back, man.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, it's awesome.

The listeners.

You're back.

Will's back, everybody.

Will's back.

Will made it back.

First shot of parole.

Hey, Will.

Free Will.

First shot of parole is Will here tonight.

Welcome back.

Glad you made it.

And, of course, as I said before, Jen, JenStewart.com.

What's up, Jen?

Yeah, how you doing?

Yeah, we're good, man.

We're good.

You know I can't get no job.

You can't get no job?

Because, man, I'm still on, you know, on parole and everything.

They don't want to hire me.

It's hard, man.

How is it fair to be rehabilitated, but then you can't get a job?

It were whatever hey Jen it in Britain if I were to go with a jail for stealing a car felony would I have a?

Hard time finding a job after I got out probably but if you start over car over here

You probably wouldn't be put into prison the prisons are over flying so they're putting anybody else in there everybody goes

That's funny we'll put you in jail for that. What do you get put in jail for over there?

What if isn't we pretty much like not enforced out there?

You just get a fine, you know?

Is that correct, Jim?

Yeah, you probably get fined.

If you get caught with it on the street, I think.

But I don't do it anyway.

No, you don't.

Jim doesn't.

Jim's a straight face.

I told you, he's a mountain climber and a biker, man.

He's a cyclist, yeah.

Yeah, he doesn't have to worry about all those tickets they get over there.

I heard they make like $2 billion a year off tickets for parking.

That's sick, man.

Yeah, man.

I heard their tolls are...

You can probably get away with quite a lot over here.

So, I mean, Will, if you want to steal cars, you're more than welcome to.

No, no, I'm not talking about stealing the car.

No way.

Well, apparently we can get away with stealing a car and just get, you know, therapy.

Get therapy.

So, hell, I need therapy, so I might as well go over there and steal a car while I'm at it.

You know?

Yeah, that's great.

Will they pay for the counseling?

Jen, find out for us, okay?

Quite possibly.

They'll pay for everything.

God, you gotta love socialism.

That is the finest right there.

Enough of that.

They'll probably buy you new tires as well.

That's awesome, man.

We gotta go there.

Hey, so what else can we talk about?

Anything in the news?

Nothing, right?

It's the Lone News Week.

Hey, I want to welcome back another new listener, man.

R.E.O.K.

Who?

I got a quick R.E.O.K.

Oh, yeah.

A news bulletin, a news flash.

He's one of our listeners, our Scandinavian listeners from Norway.

And by the way, we've got a partner in here that's pretty fresh on the Norwegian language.

Jen, say hello to R.E.O.K.

R.E.O.K.

Jen.

Okay, where are we going with this, man?

Yes, yes.

I said hi.

I was talking to him on the IRC.

Exactly, yeah.

We're okay.

Okay.

I was looking for some Norwegian speech, that's all.

We're off track, gentlemen.

In Norwegian, that's all.

I need to get a hold.

I've got to make contact with Storm Shadow.

I'm back to the big show.

Making contact with Storm Shadow.

Storm Shadow, a.k.a. Lonesome Loser, whatever we're supposed to call him now.

What's official?

Are we supposed to keep calling him Storm Shadow or Lonesome Loser?

What's the deal, sir?

Milkman?

Man, I don't care what you call him, man.

He is the hardest working man in all of Internet radio.

He'll always be the lonesome Mr. Peeper, Storm Shadow, doesn't matter.

He is the man.

Right.

Get that straight, everybody.

He's the man.

Oh, yes.

I have a contest that I want to announce.

You ready?

Oh, cool.

All right.

Stop the music, please.

The Milkman.

Okay.

All right.

Thank you.

All right.

My announcement is that we're going to have a contest.

I don't know what the prize is yet.

It's going to be something.

something and uh we want to hear the the bet yeah maybe that will very good we'll see if we can get

away with that uh anyway uh we want you to record yourself shitting and send it to us and i mean

good quality i need you to get the microphone in the bowl or in on the toilet whatever it takes

we want to hear the best people shitting and farting on the toilet i'm gonna make the

Whatever it takes

All kinds, you know, wet, dry

Constipation, diarrhea

Whatever it is, we want to get you to

Submit that in, we're going to do something with that

Not video

I don't want it video

I want audio only

We don't need video of this, okay

We don't want a bunch of videos of people shitting

Hemorrhoids are a plus

That sounds like it's a pretty damn shitty contest

If you ask me

That was shit

I'll tell you what

I figure there's probably quite a few shits out there that could win this thing.

The prize is pretty shitty, too.

The prize is pretty shitty, too, okay?

So there it is.

Don't worry about it.

Lifetime surprise.

Oh, even better.

Toilet paper.

Yeah.

Two free sheets of Charmin toilet paper.

You guys are high.

Just like this guy here.

This guy is so high.

Cloud9 in the chatroom saying he's high.

Good for Cloud9.

Oh, man, that's our big smack junkie there, man.

Is he really?

Just don't OD, you crazy.

Oh, my God.

Why do you think he's on cloud nine?

Crazy son of a gun.

And DTT checking in.

DTT.

He's saying, coming back.

What up?

DTT says, what up?

What up, Carlito?

Say hello to me on the air.

I'm just kidding.

That's an Indian.

That's a Hindu accent.

That's not really Muslim.

That's close, though.

He's Lebanese, man.

They got some good food over there.

Yeah, DTT hadn't called in a long time either, man.

The last time he called in, he did a prank.

He said, yeah, I want to do a prank.

So I put him on with some woman.

Jesus Christ.

I put him on with some woman and he's like...

He went crazy over there.

He went crazy.

This guy, he did a prank call with us.

He's this Muslim kid, right?

His name is DTT.

You ever heard of him?

I think I've heard of that.

Okay, good.

Well, he called in and his prank call was like, fuck you, bitch, fuck you.

Fuck you, fuck you, fucking bitch.

And it's like he lost it.

Detroit pit tugger.

He flipped out.

DTT.

He just wanted to say fuck you.

It was like really nasty.

It was funny as hell.

He's got all that anger pent up.

Those Muslims, they like beating them women, and they like to rough the women around.

He can't do that here in the States, and he probably had it.

He's had to let it go.

He's still studying for his aeronautical degree, man.

Why do they have an aeronautical degree?

He's in flight school, we said.

Why?

How did you make it?

Man, we need to redo the Homeland Security, man.

Are there any Muslims in flight school right now that aren't being watched by the FBI?

Yeah, do you think it's possible to be a Muslim in a flight school?

I'm sorry.

I'm a rock bar.

All I know is if I see a pilot with a sheet on his head, I am not getting on that plane.

I see a Puerto Rican pilot.

I'm like, I don't know about this motherfucker here.

This guy's Puerto Rican.

He looks a little too...

My sermon is Bertie.

I'm going to play that call.

I love that one.

DTT just called us niggers, everybody.

All right, man.

Take it easy.

All right.

The stewardesses are all going to be coming up.

That's not nice

DTT

It's not nice to say the N word DTT

So that's it

He's just getting ready

Wound up for his call in

And his attack call

Is going to create a jihad on the phone

Well shit fuck us

I just wanted to let you all know

That we have Andy

Big Andy

Who used to be on the show

He sent in to us

15 free minutes worth of

Prepaid phone sex actually

So we're going to be trying to use that.

Holy shit.

Let me get that here.

I think that's going to be a great idea.

This is going to be awesome.

Where do you pick that up?

At the truck stop?

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

Well, I hit you.

No, I got it over here.

Oh, you got the email over there?

I don't know.

I was looking for someone to message.

Oh, hang on.

I'm going to send it to you right now over there.

Hang on.

Were you looking for the phone?

Hey, we got another guest appearance here.

All right.

Who, who, who?

Welcome back to Vinny.

Venison 88.

Thank you all for sharing that.

Venison?

Are you for real?

Real venison is back?

We love you here in the madhouse.

Well, shit, I haven't seen that shit in a long time, that venison guy, man.

Really, that's awesome.

Oh, buddy, buddy.

Well, good for venison, man.

It's good to have you.

I give you applause, but I'm busy doing something else, man.

I'm very sorry.

Just one moment here.

There you go.

He's packing a bowl, man.

He said, just wait.

Did I say that right?

Yes, sir.

Scroll up.

Yeah, there it's at the very top.

Okay, guys, we're sorry.

We're just not a little, we're not too, you know, too ready, okay?

And I apologize.

We're just not too ready tonight.

All right.

I'm accepting a...

No, not that.

What?

What are you looking for?

Someone to get the phone number.

Oh, our toll-free number?

No, somebody.

Yeah, what's the toll-free number?

Toll-free line is 1-888-278-8509.

Man, we're hot.

1-888-509.

1-888-278-8509 is a toll-free line.

It is not...

509.

Will, you want to turn on the toll-free line?

Come over here.

Okay.

That's what I'm saying.

I got it right here.

Hey, if you got the time, we got the time, baby.

That's right.

I was looking for...

Anyway, we're going to move on.

We're stumbling over.

We're going to call this free phone service.

I need somebody to look up a number to a taxidermist that's open this late.

That's what you got to do.

Yeah, everybody, if you have a taxidermist, we're looking for a taxidermist to call tonight, all right?

So there is...

You know what?

That's our new thing.

We should make them get us a number every night.

Yeah.

First one in gets kudos.

This is funny.

You know, Lonesome Loser, I sent him making contact.

He responds, message received, transmission to follow.

Fucking crazy.

He's awesome.

He's a damn computer.

See, I think that's the thing.

He's a fucking robot.

He's a prank machine robot created by Eddie Murphy.

Give me numbers.

Richard Pryor created him.

Doobie's Restaurant and GIF.

And Packwood Water.

You know what?

That's very rude, Milkman.

That's one.

Okay?

That's one.

No, sir.

That wasn't me.

We'll learn how to do this.

That was an echo.

In the future, Will should be doing this.

Okay.

You know, he should have this ability.

This ability?

Yeah, so anyway, if you want to reach us on AOL Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio,

if you want to reach us on Yahoo Messenger, Madhouse Radio Online.

Smoking weed is not a disability.

I don't know.

And if you're partaking in a brewski, a Beck's Dart.

Yeah.

Yeah, what up?

Jonathan, the first caller of the night, as always, coming right up here in a second.

Oh, my God, no way.

Not Jonathan.

Oh, my God, no way.

Hello. Hello, Jonathan Robot. How are you?

Where's Cheese Boy?

How are you doing?

Oh, I'm good. You were coming in like a robot for a second there, man.

That was kind of creepy. I was going to have a conversation.

Will you talk to us like a robot for the remainder of the conversation?

No. It's my earpiece that's messed up.

Well, put it back on. Let's hear that. I like that.

It makes you 20 times better. Come on.

There you go.

So, Jonathan, how was your day today?

I'll put it here.

Yeah? Good. What did you have for dinner?

Okay, this isn't working.

Take it back off.

That's not going to work.

Yeah, I have some chicken nuggets.

You have chicken every time.

What's the meat you like the most?

Do you like your chicken?

Do you like your beef?

Do you like your shrimp?

I like steak.

Steak.

He's a steak man.

Why is shrimp as expensive as it really is?

Shrimp is good.

It costs more than steak, but it's a lot less meat.

It's not even really meat.

It's fish.

It's not the same.

Dude, we catch it right here, man.

You throw a net out in the water.

and peel and eat, baby.

Sorry about that, Jonathan.

Well, that's good.

And the bus is doing good?

Yeah, it's doing all right.

Yeah?

Well, God bless it, man.

Well, Jonathan, we're going to move on.

Thank you for calling, man.

Oh, it's not a problem.

Hey, what happened to your show?

I'm still working on an intro,

and Lego never gave me the info or the password to the stream.

Oh, man, you've got to get an intro.

Just pick any song, man.

Just pick, what do you like, country music?

I like rap music.

Okay, who do you like?

Mostly Ice Cube.

Ice Cube?

The new Ice Cube or the old?

Are we talking NWA Ice Cube?

When exactly?

What era?

Now?

Yeah.

I like that new one, Smoke Some Weed.

Yeah, we got that.

Matter of fact.

He still makes music.

Yeah, that Smoke Some Weed is off of it.

We play that here in the show

And that's

Then later on

He's on

He's on his new album

Law and Order

He's a sellout

You know that

Ever since that movie

What was that movie

With the big ass snake

Anaconda

Wasn't he in that one

Or Viper

Boa

What the fuck

Boa Constrictor

That's like 1989

Or some shit

No it was like 97

He came out with this movie

Called Anaconda

It was some big ass Anaconda

That was chasing him

I don't even get it

That shit is old

It's like Ice Cube

And I think it was

Ice Cube and J-Lo

Or something like that

Wasn't it something weird like that

bitch he might as well stand with your ass he might as well have been on snakes this time

there's a snake on this motherfucking plane yeah that is actually the sequel to anaconda

not anaconda 2 that's the unofficial yeah yeah all right john jonathan we're having a good old

time man thank you for calling and you bring us together like family every week man don't forget

to get um to get milkman my message to fix his yahoo on his trillion milkman fix your yahoo

on your trillion oh damn it all right man i'll get right on that jonathan he's right on the block

man he's he's tapping away i can hear him all right all right man well i'll go ahead and let

y'all go say goodbye goodbye all right thank you all right good night jonathan peace out jonathan

that's right 888-278-8509 you got the dime we got the time we're wheeling and dealing everybody

body wow i really need a

song you take that can we

do a prank call it's 11

41 these people want

pranks the hell why the

hell not yeah the dtt is

mad he says he he is not

dtt says i am not calling

this show anymore i am

retired do not make fun of

me dtt you're just choking

damn you bastard you take

more shit over there in

one night you bastard in

a week dtt's favorite thing

is to call people the

Thank you, come again.

Thank you.

TGT, thank you.

Thank you, come again.

There he is.

Oh, you think you're talking to me like that?

You don't talk to me like that.

I am not this person, you say.

All right, hang on.

Calgary.

Jeez.

Expensive.

Ah, cool.

Guess color.

Color, you're on the air.

Mushu, Mushu.

It's screaming me with thanks.

Screaming you.

What's going on, man?

Nothing, bro.

What's up, long time milkman?

Yeah, welcome back.

Hey, milkman seems to know you, but I vaguely remember you,

But then again

I can't remember

My own phone number

Yeah I'm his biggest fan

Dude he's just fake

He says

Johnny Squirrel Nuts

Milkman's screaming

In my ear here

Well it's good

It's good to have you listening

I know I've seen you

Around in the chat room

Quite a bit

It's been a while

Yeah

You're from

Yeah you're from

Before the big splits

And all that drama

And gay shit

Yeah before

This is

I quit

This is just bullshit

So I came back

After everything

Said and done

Yeah. Is that what turned you off, was the whole drama, drama stuff?

Save the drama for your mama.

Exactly. Yeah, you know, that's the kind of, you know, Will, don't you agree?

Yes, sir.

See, Will agrees. Will knows exactly what you're talking about.

Exactly. So, fuck it.

Fuck it. Hell yeah, man. All right. Well, cool. Well, that's awesome to have you back. Thanks for calling in.

Did you want to do a prank call, or are you just calling to check in?

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Oh, yeah. Do a call. Good. We always offer that.

Oh, here we got a taxidermist already, man. You know what a taxidermist is, my good sir?

For sure, for sure.

You know what a taxidermist does?

Yes, he stuffs and flops old fucking critters.

All right, you got a gold star for that.

Tell him you just shot a bald eagle

and you want him to get a replacement for the beak.

Yeah, for the beak.

Will's been asking about this since he got here.

He wants to do a prank called a taxidermist.

Yeah, I guess he killed a bald eagle.

How about a beaver?

Can I get him to stuff a shaved beaver?

Okay, never mind.

whatever you got

I don't think he knows

what a bald eagle is

because it's from Canada

oh

I don't think they have

oh come on now

that's a secret

hey do you guys have

bear spray

in case a bear attacks you

yeah

we call it mace

and we fucking

all the fucking crackheads

come up

we fucking

spray them with the bear spray

as long as you say

it's bear spray

it's all legal

you're a jacking bear

there honey

leave the crackheads alone

my crackheads don't hurt nobody

no no

just themselves

it's cool

I just

don't fucking ask me

for my change

yeah I know

they're gonna be annoying

okay we're gonna do

the prank call

Hang on the line, man.

It's a grooming maze here, and we're going to do that.

Just one moment, please.

Good morning.

Hi.

Are you guys open this time of night?

Are we what?

Are you open this time of night?

Um, what do you got?

Well, I just got a fresh killer.

I got a beaver that I want stuffed and mounted and whatnot, but I need you to do me a favor.

What's that?

Um, like, I already got a couple on my mantle.

I need this one to be a little bit different, so if you can just kind of shave it after

you stuffed it and all that other crap, right?

I mean, I'm talking about...

Are you here now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I can't hear you very well.

I apologize for that. My connection's pretty bad, but, um...

Sorry, I was just going to fresh kill you. You guys are open now? I could take her in?

Um, yeah. Yeah, we could do that.

All right, what time do you close there?

Uh, well, we work out of our home, so we're closed... I mean, we're closed down right now.

Oh, really? You guys do a lot of beavers there, or what?

Is it just a river otter?

All right, well, some people call it that. I'm a beaver, you know.

Oh, okay.

It's much more, you know...

You're mounting it, or you're just tanning it?

Uh, I prefer them tanned.

But if you want to mount it, that's cool.

Oh, okay.

Is there any way you can come in in the morning?

Um, well, this is a...

I mean, the fucking thing's still moving in my trunk.

I don't know what to do.

I just want to preserve it so you guys can do your thing.

Because I don't want to, like, fucking end in a cold like that, right?

She's gone.

That was funny.

Good work, man.

Very good work.

All right, bro.

No problem.

Hang on, let me clear the line real quick.

The line is clear.

All right, man, thanks for calling in.

Very well done.

Cheers, bro.

All right, take care of yourself.

All right, man, later.

Bye.

Is your phone unplugged over there?

Or is it off?

It's off.

Yes, right.

It has to be off.

It was off the whole time.

That's right.

Oh, well, thank you, Screaming.

Great job, man.

Screaming me, Screaming him.

Screaming me, did the crank, man.

That was great.

He does one of my favorite calls, man.

Johnny Squirrel Nuts, man.

I wanted to keep him on the deal with one of those calls.

Johnny Squirrel Nuts.

The guy that calls and asks for a beer.

Yeah, with a crazy accent.

Yeah.

Well, shit.

Awesome, guys.

Awesome.

Hey, man.

New website's coming out, Will.

You excited about that?

Word.

I got a new webpage coming out.

It's just about finished.

Maybe this weekend.

Here's a banner for it.

Look at that right there.

Isn't that cool?

That's so cool.

That's been coming up right in the middle, man.

Look at that.

Oh, this is by Earthdog.

That's fucking brilliant, man.

That's going to be perfect, dude.

That's going on my webpage.

Only thing is, it keeps looping.

You can tell it to play one time.

Can I tell it to play one time?

And it just stops at the end.

All right, good.

There's a loop in there.

All right, cool.

I'll have to do that.

That's awesome.

Thank you very much.

Someone post that.

How are we going to post that?

uh yeah um whatchamacallit earthdog if you're in the chat room man post that so everyone can

see it and thank you very much man that's very good um i'm finishing up i needed that just one

more image to make that new web page that we're we're gonna have here for the show work and that's

it uh milkman i'll send that to you in a little bit too so you can see what we're talking about

thank you very much man very well done hang on i keep confusing this for the other uh window so

we're gonna actually close all that out right there put that right there so i don't forget

Forget about it.

Good.

All right.

Well, thank you, all you listeners.

If you want to call in, again, the toll-free line is 1-888-278-8509.

Again, 1-888-278-8509.

And we're going to do another prank call now.

We're going to call the Wiggers Farm Equipment.

All right.

We're going to call Wiggers Farm Equipment.

We'll be right back after this.

And just sit there, okay?

Adam, how are you?

Hello.

Yes, hello, madam.

How are you?

Who is this?

My name is Ralph, and I'm interested in some farm equipment.

Do I have the correct numbers as Wiggers Farm Equipment?

Yeah, who are you calling from?

I'm calling from here in town in Corey.

We have some construction that we're going to be doing,

and we're going to be creating a new chicken farm out here.

You ever hear of the Purdue Chicken Company, ma'am?

Yeah.

Okay, well, we're going to be creating a new farm out here,

and we're also going to be shooting a new video.

And we need some farm machinery to purchase in the long run,

but for the short run we're trying to at least rent some farm equipment that we can create a video around

to showcase to the city council to see if we can get approval for the construction.

Okay, this is a joke. I mean...

No, seriously. We need farm equipment here in town as soon as possible.

We're going to need to meet with them on Monday morning.

We need to shoot a video before that.

And we're trying to get some farm equipment for the background for the shoot for our presentation

to get approval for the construction.

We're going to be a really large presence in town.

Now we're going to employ probably around 300 to 400 people.

Well, what time is it?

Huh?

I mean, what kind of equipment do you have there exactly?

I don't know.

You have to talk to the man.

Where's the man at?

Finley Lake.

What?

New York.

Perhaps the man should be answering the phone, don't you think?

Pardon me?

I said perhaps the man should be answering the phone, not some woman like you.

Sorry.

Well, do you make the decisions or not?

What's going on?

I can't imagine anybody calling a business call at 11.30 at night.

Well, we just flew in from New York.

New York City, you understand.

Okay, well, you're going to have to call this number back about 8 o'clock in the morning.

The men are in by then.

Well, is he sleeping? What's going on?

Ma'am, to be honest with you, 8 o'clock in the morning, we're going to go with somebody else.

I mean, this is a lot of money we're talking here.

This is big New York bucks.

You ever hear of the big city before, ma'am?

You ever take a flying machine?

We came in one of those.

She's gone.

I'm going to try calling her again.

Hang on.

I'm going to explain what a flying machine is to her.

It just does that.

Thunderstruck, Will.

Thunderstruck.

Thunderfuck?

Yeah.

Ma'am, you ever hear of a flying machine?

Yeah, I have common courtesy, and I'm going to give it to you now.

Now pull down your panties, I command you, in the name of the New York City.

I'm a what?

You're sick.

You give me service.

Don't call this number again.

I'm feeling ornery, and I would like to be perverted on you on the phone.

You're sick.

Will you be perverted, please?

I'm a pervert.

I'm a big city pervert.

She's gone.

She's funny.

You're sick.

You're sick, everybody.

You're all sick, just like that woman says.

Hang on.

Let's try to get a replay of that.

Will, if you don't mind.

Will's working on the replay right now.

Hang on.

Let's hear that end part right there.

That was kind of funny.

Any second now, we'll get the Madhouse replay.

Here we go.

Ma'am, do you ever hear of a flying machine?

Yeah, I have common courtesy, and I'm going to give it to you now.

Now pull down your panties, I command you, in the name of New York City.

I'm a what?

You're sick. You give me service.

I'm feeling ornery, and I would like to be perverted on you on the phone.

Will you be perverted, please?

I'm a pervert, everybody. An admitted pervert.

Shame on me.

Very good.

That was awesome.

Gin, any thoughts on that?

Gin doesn't make calls like that.

Gin is very proper.

No, I wouldn't do that, but it was quite funny still.

Good.

I'm glad you enjoyed that, sir.

And everybody out there, thank you.

Thank you for listening tonight.

All right.

Yeah.

Okay.

Is Carlos short for Carlito?

How is Carlos short for Carlito, man?

Use your head.

Carlos short for Carlito.

The toll-free line, again, is 888...

Man, they don't have Spanish people up there, man, that far north.

Yes.

There you go, through the great wide north.

888-278-8509 is the toll-free number tonight.

Here, if you want to reach us, that's where you reach us.

That's where you will reach us, I command you, in the name of New York City.

We're going to call...

We call the Wiggers.

Let's call Doughboy's Pizzeria.

Will, what do you say about that?

Hey, fat boy.

Hey, fatty.

Hey, porky.

Will you make me some pizza?

I'm used to that.

Hey,

Hey, hon, what's going on?

Hello?

Hey, how you doing?

Oh, hi, good.

How about you?

I'm good.

I'm a big city lawyer.

You're a big city lawyer.

Yeah, and I'm going to have to talk to whoever's in charge over there

because we got a case against you.

Who's in charge, baby?

Well, it's okay. You're not in trouble, but someone else is, so perhaps you should get whoever is the boss over there.

Perhaps a man.

Who are you? Are you talking about Doughboy's Pizzeria?

Yes, ma'am. Doughboy's Pizzeria in Grover Beach.

Okay, hold on one second.

Thank you, babe.

She's scared, guys. She's scared. Milkman, she's scared.

How do I proceed?

You brute.

Where's Warrior at, anyway?

Warrior's not in tonight, man.

Ma'am or sir?

Is this a ma'am? I'm going to help you.

I spoke to, speak to a gentleman.

I think maybe she thought I said ma'am and not man, but I do need to speak to a man, please.

You need to speak to a man.

Yeah, I'm not, my wife doesn't let me speak to other women during business.

You know what, we're just going to hang up.

Ma'am.

There's another man here for you to speak to.

Oh, I guess I'll have to talk to you.

Like I said before, I'm a big city lawyer, and my name is Jack Valente, big city lawyer,

and I'm unfortunately going to have to sue you gentlemen because of the treatment that my associate got here when he called in my client.

Man, called in earlier. His name is Jack Masterson.

I don't know if you know who he is. I don't know how big Grover Beach is, but he weighs about 482 pounds.

And they continuously called him Doughboy when he called in.

Can I help you? I mean, I don't understand who you are.

My name is Jack Valente. I'm a big city lawyer.

Okay, well then, just subpoena me. Goodbye.

Just subpoena you? She wants me to subpoena it, man.

How do you do that? I'm not a lawyer. Hang on, folks.

Big city lawyer. She wants you to penis her.

Call back here. You want to be penised?

Yo, I was getting Carlito a beer, and I gave him the bottle cap.

You gave him the bottle cap?

Yeah, I put it in front of you.

I put the beer in front of me.

That was great.

Cold run, dang.

Good work.

I'm so high.

Good work, Will.

Very good work, man.

Very, very, very.

We got to call that phone sex place, man.

Yo.

It's going to be late.

They're going to close, man.

It's midnight already.

I don't think you can get free phone sex after midnight.

Because that's technically peak time.

Oh, Baba.

15 minutes, all right.

Hang on.

Where's that at?

Where's the Gmail at here?

I'm down to two monitors instead of four, man.

What's going on, Will?

Holy shit.

This one freezes.

Oh.

It'll crash the whole shit.

Give me a video card, man.

I need a new video card.

Yes, that's right.

Very good, Milkman.

You're very smart.

All right, folks.

Give me a moment here.

We're going to call this supposed 15 minutes worth of free phone sex.

Eddie Garcia or Jack Masterson?

What are you guys thinking?

Any ideas?

Spank me.

Now someone's calling.

Now we can't call a phone sex place.

Oh, shit, it's crazy fun.

What the hell, man?

Oh, my God.

What the hell's the matter with you?

He got lost.

Called the wrong shows last week.

He's listening in the background again.

Hey.

Hey, what's up, Carlito?

What's going on, man?

Where you been for the last number three weeks, I think.

Number three or number four?

It's been like three or four weeks there, dude.

You called like at two o'clock in the morning one night.

What the hell's wrong with you?

Do you got a problem?

Well, where it's 2 o'clock where you are, man, it's 3 hours earlier where I am.

But it sounds like you've got problems, man.

I'm fine.

It sounds like you're on a real downer, dude.

Yeah?

You don't say.

Yeah, yeah.

What are you?

Do you like to beat up women?

That's what you Puerto Ricans are all about is just saying obscene things about women?

Yeah.

It makes you feel like a big man.

What the fuck is Puerto Rico but a little fucking, fucking shit?

the United States of America

been given food stamps

it's strategic

it's strategic land

you need it

and you need us

and too bad

bullshit

you give us a lot of money

because we've let you put your stupid bases over there

you can be next to Castro

it's strategic

you need us

you Americans need us

we don't care

I thought you'd be pimping your women off.

We don't care.

You need us.

We're doing a lot better than Cuba.

Fuck, I don't need you.

Fuck you.

I don't need George Bush.

All right, fine, fine, they go.

Dr. George Bush.

They go, they go, fine, they go.

I don't need him.

Fine, fine, fine, I don't care.

Fine, go.

All right, okay, hang on there, Carlyle.

Let me ask you a question.

Are we still in communication?

Yes, we are.

Okay, sir.

University.

What am I studying at the university?

Business, sir.

Oh, what kind of business?

Monkey business?

Like, uh, fuckin', all you niggers are capable of is monkey business.

Funny business, sir.

Ah, nigger business. Monkey business, right?

Yeah, that's the one, yeah.

Kickin' your dicks in a little white girl's pussies and spreadin' your AIDS around.

What the? AIDS? What the hell's wrong with you?

Yeah, I'm a fuckin' motherfucker.

It's all right, Carlito.

He's been callin' Zola's pills, man. Can you tell?

You're a cocksucker milkman.

And you're a homegrown fucker.

Dude, you want people shitting on the phone and shit?

You don't want to talk about the issues of the day, do you?

We talk about the issues plenty.

You just...

Your issues all boiled down to the Jews.

Hey, you make fun of Muslim people, and that's the issues of the day.

And I hope, I hope that every chicken that goes to Iraq comes back and sack.

Thank God for those Middle Eastern people.

Jesus Christ.

They're defending their country.

Hey, hey, hey, now, look here, look here, look here now, look here now.

Hey, hey, hey, now, I am command here, I am in charge of this show, and I say, I command you all to be quiet.

I command you to be quiet, number one, Mr. Crazy Fucker.

What the hell kind of nonsense is that you're talking about?

Well, I'll tell you, you ask me a question, sir.

I'm not asking you, I'm answering you.

I hope that every American with a gun that goes to Iraq comes back in a fucking sack.

That's very sick, sir.

sir. Are you sick? How's that sick, sir? You tell me that, sir. Are you sick? Are you sick?

What, are you sucking George Bush's cock? No, I'm not, but you're sick. How are you

going to say that? I'm sucking George Bush's cock. Hey, man, what did you go to prison

for, sir? Let's talk, you're a felon, sir. Oh! Yeah, well, come on. Hey, hey, hey.

You're such a model, you're such a model human, you've been to prison, haven't you?

Yeah, I am a model citizen. Did you, you know what? Against the cock-sucking motherfuckers

who think it's okay to go over to the Middle East

and drop bombs on those fucking people.

Fuck, fuck that part of my country.

I'm an American patriot.

All patriots been to prison, sir.

All right, man.

Hey, hey, sir, let's keep the dialogue going.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, but as far as I'm concerned,

hey, let me give a shout-out here.

Oh, nice.

Guys, Zolar is going to give me 15 minutes to say whatever I want to say.

I told you.

Oh, hell yeah.

When are you doing this?

Tomorrow night on Zolar's show.

Jesus Christ, you're fucking nuts.

You sold out on us and you're hanging out with Zolar.

I didn't sell out.

Oh, now you come out.

Let me get a Carlitos show.

But you guys got to get your shit together, man.

You got to quit thinking that America is some kind of good fucking person for being over in the Middle East.

No, they're the dirtiest, rottenest, cocksucking motherfuckers that you ever come across.

They want to kill you.

All right, hey, crazy fucker, what time is it tomorrow?

Whenever Zohar is on, he said he gave me 15 minutes to say whatever I wanted to say.

10 p.m. Eastern tomorrow.

I will definitely be listening to it.

Hey, you want to know something there, sir?

Please.

Hey, sir, are we still in communication?

Hurry up, yes.

This is the last one.

Okay, we're still friends, man, as far as I'm concerned.

But you Puerto Rican cock-sucking motherfuckers who are licking Georgia.

Okay, that was great.

Thanks, everybody.

What the hell's going on with Crazy Fucker?

He's insane.

He's got a thing going on now, man.

Dude.

Crazy Fucker sold out now.

Yeah, he calls.

He calls.

You mean to tell me Crazy Fucker calls back?

He calls back as soon as he's, you know, being pimped out on Zolar.

You know what?

You're an asshole.

Exactly.

No, that's cool, man.

If he's going to be on tomorrow, I'll have to listen to that.

15 minutes of the straight talk from Crazy Fucker.

That guy is awesome, dude.

What do you mean straight talk, dude?

Calm me in this corner.

The guy is nuts.

He's, like, all into aliens.

He used to be on the Art Bell Show.

Shit.

Yeah, here we go.

He ought to hear him play his harmonica, man.

He can play it in his ass.

Reclude is checking in.

Reclude's going to be trying to call in in a second.

Fucking Reclude!

Jonathan advises Milkman to reboot his Trillion.

His Yahoo is still acting up.

There you go, Milkman.

You got that.

Oh, my God.

Jesus.

Let me get right back on it.

I just rebooted five minutes ago.

Jesus fucking Christ.

What am I going to do?

Let me call the Trillion police.

That's a horrible crisis, everybody here.

Anyway.

I know, and I'm sorry, man.

Okay.

Very good.

Will, what are your thoughts on the evening so far?

We're doing okay, right?

I'm straight so far.

Well, good.

I'm glad you're straight.

We're good.

We got to get this cracking.

Who's going to call the hot sex line?

Yeah, we got to call the phone sex line before we take a break over here.

You want me to call in?

Yeah.

Well, Jonathan, I mean, John Recluse.

Oh, shit.

I just gave out his name.

Recluse is trying to call in.

Jen, you can definitely call in if you want.

I'm going to try to take it, though.

So that's how it is.

Well, yeah.

I got my bitch stolen.

Crazy fucker, whatever it is.

What are his initials?

CFC?

CFC? Crazy fucking, crazy fucker from California. Yeah, CFC. CFC it is. Anyway, we'll be right

back after this, folks. The next prank call coming up in a second. Hang on. Good deal.

Glad he called in, man. All right, we're going to call in. I hope this works. I don't know

if this is legit, but we're going to try to call a phone sex line. Are you excited about

that? Yeah, I'm very excited. What should I send it again to do? I don't know. 15 minutes

of free prepaid phone sex. All right. I don't know. We're going to do something. I'll start

Slow down.

Maybe you can jump in.

We're going to have fun with this, man.

I hope you're pumped.

Hundreds of hot, horny students, housewives, and working girls call all day and night.

Talk to them live right now for free.

That's right.

We're so sure you're going to love it.

We're giving you 15 free minutes to hook up with these ladies who can't wait to get off with you.

All right.

Enter your PIN now, followed by the pound sign.

And if you like our service, you can call us back at 1-800-SEX-1212 for just 69 cents.

Oh, honey, now it's time to choose how you want to get off.

Feel like some hot amateur talk?

Is Jen there?

Jen?

I forgot Jen.

Send instant messages or go one-on-one.

Oh, yeah.

Voice personals, too, baby.

Press one now.

Now, or turn yourself over to a nasty girl who'll do anything you want, and I mean anything.

Let your imagination run wild, baby.

F*** your world.

Go ahead, baby.

Make your selection.

Press one for a hot girl.

What is with your tongue, honey?

Press three for a beautiful T.S. with a special surprise.

Oh, a T.S.

And an alluring T.V. who knows what you want.

Or press nine to choose your choices.

Press 1 for a hot girl, press 2 for a skilled dominatrix, press 3 for a beautiful T.S. with a special surprise, or an annoying T.V. who knows what you want.

We'll call the dominatrix, then we're going to call the transvestite.

Enter the four digit agent number of the hot girl of your desires, or press the pound key for the next available agent.

Get ready for your hot playmate now.

So you're starting, yeah?

Yes.

Hello?

This is a rip-off.

It's 15 minutes.

I was going to say, what in the hell do you do?

Wait 14 minutes of it?

Hello?

Hey, how are you doing?

Good, how are you?

Good, who's this?

Uh, can you stick up a little bit?

I'm sorry, woman.

Good, who's this?

This is Ashley.

Ashley, what's going on?

I'm not wearing anything.

What the fuck are you wearing?

I'm sorry?

What the fuck are you wearing?

I'm not wearing much of anything, really.

Where are you?

Are you in a cubicle or are you inside your house?

I'm inside a cubicle.

You're in a cubicle?

Fuck, can you get naked in your cubicle? How are we going to do this shit, man?

What's the matter?

Are you a dominatrix for real?

I can be.

Are you going to try to push me around? You think you're going to get away with it?

Is that what you want?

I want you to get on your fucking knees right now.

That's not really being a dominatrix.

So what? That's how you do it. I'm in charge. You're the dominatrix. Get on your fucking knees, I said.

That's not how a dominatrix...

Yes, it is. I have it right here in the book. Get on your fucking knees, you cunt.

You don't have to talk to me like that.

I can talk however I want.

You're my dominatrix, bitch.

Get the fuck on your knees.

If I'm a dominatrix you want, look it up in the book.

Ma'am, I'm paying for this.

What kind of book do you have?

I pay your taxes, you know that?

What kind of book do you have?

It says right here, the Kama Sutra.

You pay my taxes?

Yes, I do.

I pay your salary and your taxes.

You pay my taxes.

Fuck you, bitch.

You fucking dominatrix.

Get on your knees and suck it.

You're hilarious, you know that?

Oh, I'm hilarious, huh?

Do I make you laugh with my pathetically small penis?

Oh, God.

Is that what your problem is?

Yeah, shut up.

Go outside.

Hang up the phone.

I command you.

Yeah, like a little cock?

I command you.

Shut the fuck up.

I command you to hang up the phone.

You've got a three-inch cock, don't you?

No, I don't.

It's four.

Oh, wow.

What a deal.

I have a 46-inch waist size.

That's really something to be proud of.

My waist size is 46 inches, too, baby.

You want it?

No.

You want my 46 inches of gut?

Uh, I don't think so.

I got 46 inches of lust right here, baby.

Listen, listen.

You know what?

You must really be able to see that little 4-inch cockwell with your big-ass...

I have a floor-length mirror, okay?

You're a fucking dominatrix whore.

I'm done with you.

I'm done.

I got off.

Hey, you're quick, huh?

Shut up.

Shut up, Mom.

Mom!

Broke-back dominatrix bitch.

She didn't even fucking come on it.

That shit's hilarious, dude.

We need to get more phone sex in this bitch, man.

Everybody sign up for an account.

I forgot about Jen.

Send them in.

Oh, man.

How about we get some more prepaid phone sex?

All right, put Jen on the next one, man.

Jen.

Call in, Jen, man.

I'm sorry, Jen.

That's my bad.

I forgot you were on there.

Oh, shit.

We got enough time for one more.

How many minutes was that, do you think?

Like four?

Four?

We got enough time?

About five, maybe, of that.

Five. We got enough for two more. Maybe one. We got enough for one more. Maybe two.

Two quick ones, one good one.

We can't drag it out, Jen.

I want to do the cannibal. I'm calling in now. Here we go.

Oh, jeez.

This feels so weird.

Boom.

It might help if I actually turn on the fucking thing.

Did you first burp in my face, sir?

Yes, sir.

You punk.

All right, Jen. This time you're taking it.

All right.

All right, man. Hang on.

Yo, that was a fucking great...

Oh, oh. I got news. You guys hear about John Popper?

Huh?

Do you know who John Popper is?

Milkman, stop playing that fucking guitar.

Look, man, do you know who John Popper is?

No, but did you hear about Mr. Humphreys?

No.

Who's that?

He died, man.

Who's that?

A famous British comedian, man.

On television.

No such thing.

No, seriously, what do you call it?

The guy, the lead singer for the Blues Traveler.

He got caught in a car with like five guns.

It's crazy.

Oh, shit.

Anyway, we'll be right back.

Jen's doing a prank call.

Hang on, folks.

All right.

I love intimate encounters.

Hottest live amateur stories of hot, horny students.

housewives and working girls call all day and night talk to them live right now for free sorry

baby i did not understand your response let me talk to you right from the website shut the

fuck up bitch fucking cunt

oh come on now hang on no talking now baby you've already had your free trial

What?!

Bullshit.

Awwww.

That's bullshit.

Alright, Jane, go back to the computer.

Alright.

It was one try.

Just got one go at that, man.

We could've drugged that out with that bitch for fifteen minutes, man, if I would've known.

What a ripoff.

I should've known.

They'd fucking Jew us like that.

They pulled the Dr. Lego on us, man.

I told her to shut the fuck up

and keep sucking

burn you Jew

gas it up you Jew

send me some fucking

international numbers

we got $15

for international numbers

international numbers

coming at ya

it's called China

we called Japan

I sent you a Norwegian number

we could call that

what time is it there?

it's Norwegian time

oh hell yeah

oh shit yeah

Send in some damn Canadian numbers.

Oh, they just getting up.

Let's get some milk.

Yeah, let's get some milk, man.

They got milk in Norway?

Milk.

They got milk in Norwegian?

Milk.

You want me to call in and do the call?

Ask them for milk.

Yeah, but we got to be able to speak English, man.

Milk, man, stop playing the guitar.

I'll ask them to speak English.

I'm sure they'll speak English.

Okay, all right.

All right, now you call back in.

I should have kept you in line.

I'm sorry.

I apologize.

I'm racking up your minutes.

Call back in, sir.

We will do this right this time.

That was awesome, that phone sex call, man.

That's a classic right there.

We totally need to get more of those.

Somehow we've got to get everybody to register and send them in.

That's for real.

That's what's up, as they would say.

So we'll be right back with that, folks.

All right.

Hi, I started English.

That's good.

English, madam.

Do you speak it?

Yeah.

That's very good.

I'd like to buy some milk, very special milk.

I'm sure you have it over there.

I'm not hearing what he's saying.

I said I'd like to purchase some milk.

some special milk breast milk yes madam yeah yes fresh breast milk you help me with that yes

hello hello yes hello madam could you could you tell me some fresh breast milk norwegian breast

milk no no no well that's it why not i'm very disappointed now i was hoping you'd tell me your

breast milk freshly squeezed she hung up and she does she doesn't she i don't know it's a bit vulgar

maybe i don't know we got a guy we got an email here an email request for a prank call enter your

destination all right i'm supposed to set it up first hang on let me let me call someone else

instead first let's call we're going to call charlie c humphries hang on what's that i don't

know some guy oh dude that's that famous that's that famous uh um the english comedian that died

man 71 years old man on tv i have no idea who he is hang on hang on let me clear the line because

because I fucked it up.

All right, Jen, are you there?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, good.

I'm going to explain this real quick.

We got a request, a request to prank,

which are absolutely free at madhouselab.com.

The guy's name is Terry.

He's in his 30s.

He's untrustworthy, know-it-all, backstabbing, cocky prick.

He and his wife recently adopted a child.

He's the manager of the Hampton Inn in Cleveland,

and he's not good at what he does,

but he's great at kissing ass

and putting the blame of all problems onto someone else.

He will do whatever it takes to come out ahead in every situation.

Yada, yada, yada.

I don't know.

I guess he's a know-it-all asshole.

And they adopted a child.

They just recently adopted a child.

What was the child's name?

I don't know.

I wish I knew what it was called.

Well, tell them that you're a wealthy British man and you want to adopt it back.

All right, all right.

And offer them like $2 million or something.

I mean, offer them like a ton of money or something like that.

I'll offer them my tellies over here in London.

Tell them the real name is whatever.

you know whatever they're calling it the real name is this and that you found out okay maybe

that'll work i don't know we'll try that hang on this one goes out to demon demon online whoever

you are wherever you are this is for you so uh one moment terry right yes terry terry i'm sorry

i can't take your call right now man leave your name hang on we're going back to the air thank

just not getting the luck right now man but we're still having a good show right along man i need

Good numbers there coming in.

Well, we're up against a hard break, dude,

because we were supposed to take a break about 22 minutes ago.

And the sponsors are not very happy about that.

All right, I've got to take a whiz.

So we are going to take a break real quick.

In the meantime, if you want to get a hold of us when we come back,

the toll-free line is 1-888-278-8509.

Again, you can reach us here toll-free, 1-888-278-8509.

You got another beer, Will?

A Will beer?

You get me one?

You didn't get me one?

You're right, you're right, you're right.

I'm getting up anyway.

So, yeah, Milkman, you stay around, and you too, Jen, and Will's going to be here.

We'll be right back after this, folks.

Yeah, I'm still on hold, by the way.

Are you serious?

Hang on.

Yeah, no, I'll stay on if you want.

Oh, yeah, no.

At least make at least one good call.

Yeah, don't stay on hold.

Call back.

Call back later.

I've got to take a break real quick, though, so.

All right.

So, all right, folks, we'll be right back after this.

I'm going to go grab me another Newcastle's ale, and I'll be right back.

Hooray.

Hooray for beer.

Check it, check it out.

Too doggone late.

Radio will be back right after this.

Don't tell me 40,000 people are coming here.

They're not here.

You don't talk to me like that, bitch.

I don't even know who the fuck you are.

Put your man on the phone, I said.

Fuck you.

What are you crying for?

You died.

Someone died.

Ma'am?

Yes?

I have gas.

Listen.

Oh.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you! Fuck you, Bernie Taylor's dick!

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

What's up, everybody? We're back.

We are back.

I just got a number for you.

You got a number for me, don't you?

Good for you, man. There, that's better.

Turn that music down here. There we go, that's better.

Turn the mics down a little bit. They're a little hot.

Lou la lou.

Too hot. There we go, better.

All right, good. We're working, everybody. We're back on. Thank you.

Short break, short break. Not a long break, but a short break.

We've got about a half hour left of show or so.

Hopefully, we will stay on track. We've had a pretty good show so far.

They gave us 82% so far for the night.

Very good, gentlemen. Thank you.

Milkman, Will, Jen, couldn't do it without you.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Steven Peacock, per Nunu's request, because of the death of the guy who played Mr. Humphries

served. I really don't know about that.

I mean, this escapes me.

I don't know what the big deal is, but I can talk

to Steven Peacock, sure.

I could try. Or Charlie Humphries, I guess.

We could talk to him, too.

Let me talk to...

Let me talk to

Charlie Humphries again. Let me try calling him again.

Hang on. That didn't work last time.

Hey, now. How you doing?

Is this Mr. Humphries?

Come on, be honest with me. Is this Mr. Humphries

or not? Sir? Okay.

Okay. Is Mr. Humphreys there? Mr. Charlie Humphreys there, please?

I'm calling from the taxidermist.

We're trying to secure delivery on some items that he ordered.

Oh.

Okay.

Are you awake now?

A little bit. Who's this?

Were you sleeping?

Who's this?

Hey, were you sleeping, you old ass? What's going on?

Hey, buddy.

Huh?

This is Ralph Littlejohn. How you doing?

I'm all right.

I asked you a question. You answered my question. You understand how it works, sir?

Was your ass sleeping or not? I asked you a damn question.

Sure I was sleeping. It's 10.35.

So are you awake now, though?

Yeah, a little bit.

Why?

Well, good.

My job is done here.

All right?

I just like calling people and waking them up just for the hell of it.

You just like calling people and waking them up?

Yep.

Anything else I can do for you tonight?

Is he even there?

Yeah, he's gone.

Wow.

That was pointless, wasn't it, Will?

That's like an episode of Seinfeld.

What do you mean?

And why am I not wearing any pants?

It's the phone sex department again.

Hang on.

It was off, wasn't it? I don't get it.

It's not working now. I don't know. Phone fucked up.

up. Whatever. Hang on, I'll try it again. Down tone. If you want to talk to that gentleman,

whoever that was. We're going to call the next call of the night. Just one moment.

Hello, Governor. How are you?

Fine, thank you. And you?

Excellent. I'm waiting on my shuttle.

On your?

My shuttle, sir. Ma'am?

Who are you speaking to?

I'm waiting on my shuttle to the hotel, sir.

From where?

From the airport.

I know nothing about it. So which airport are you?

At Heathrow, sir.

And can I have your name, please?

My name is Jack Valenti.

Jack Valenti. I know.

Look me up on your computer machine there. Hit the buttons on it, you twit.

Jack Valenti.

Come now, I say. I've been waiting here for over an hour.

I don't know how much that is in the metric system, but you know how long I've been here?

I honestly don't know, sir. I know nothing about it. I'll try and look in for it.

Could you give me five minutes, please?

Do you know how many minutes are in an hour, sir? Can you answer me that question?

Sixty minutes.

That's how many times...

Would you like to give me your telephone number? I'll look into it and ring you immediately back.

Absolutely not. I'm on an American phone. It doesn't work in your country.

Well, can you hold for one moment while I go and look into it?

Please don't make it too long, sir.

I won't. I'll do it as soon as I can.

i love you okay bye i guess we will now hold for him

they got some weird they got like uncle ben music it's kind of uncle ben big ben kind of

sounding weird this is better not take long this is expensive they might have people over

what's going on dude if you can hold just it's got a magnet that's crazy it's weak who's trying

Was that your friend trying to call in?

Yeah.

Who was it?

Is it some secret?

Yeah, man.

It's my roommate.

Oh, your roommate.

The guy that found all that change?

From the show, bro.

Ooh, I got an email from the confirmation department.

You know what it says?

Congratulations.

Sign up for a trip to the Oprah Winfrey show.

Yeah.

Word.

Wow.

Should I display the images below?

It's going to be porn.

No.

Whoa, it's Oprah.

You want to hold?

I guess.

He told me to be patient, Milkman.

You be patient, man.

Hang the fuck up.

Jesus.

No, he said be patient.

You got to be patient for him.

Hello?

Hey, I'm being very patient, sir.

I'm done being patient.

And I'm awfully sorry I have no record over here to pick you up.

Well, my boyfriend, Milkman, said I was supposed to be patient,

and here we are, where has it gotten us? Nowhere, sir.

And to think that we've gotten over the treachery you guys did to us back in 1812.

Can you imagine, sir?

Are you there?

I'm listening to you, sir.

What are you, some kind of twit?

No, I'm not, in actual fact.

I don't really like you speaking to me like that.

I'm trying to help the situation, and you're not helping me to help it.

Yes, ma'am.

Now, let me ask you, what is your presence there?

Are you a steward, or do you clean the bathroom?

I'm the night manager, sir, and if I knew anything about your arrival,

I would have been able to look into it, and if you can give me time, I will try and do that for you.

Well, the milkman called early, did he not, sir?

Are we on hold again?

Should I hold for this guy?

I mean, he's very, very rude, this gentleman.

I'm not rude, sir.

Oh, now you're here.

Now you're going to talk to me.

You're going to ignore me because I'm Hispanic, aren't you?

Well, the fact is, you're being extremely rude to me, sir,

and I can't help you unless you give me time to try and find something out for you.

Well, do you know how many minutes are in an hour?

I told you that already. Sixty minutes. I can't do any more for you.

If you give me five minutes, I'll try and find out something for you.

Give me a number, I can ring you back.

No, absolutely not, you horse's ass.

I'm staying here waiting for you to give me the answer.

You tell me when they're going to be here to pick me up.

I can't give you an answer to pick you up.

Well, I don't know even what terminal you're at at Heathrow.

I know nothing about your arrival whatsoever.

What the hell's a terminal, sir?

It's where an aircraft lands.

Are you saying that I'm so old I'm terminal?

I'm sick?

What, is this a kind of insult?

Are you insulting me, sir?

I'm not insulting you.

I'm going to put the telephone down until you ring and speak to me properly.

I'm sorry.

I'll speak properly from now on.

Oh, man.

Entering your destination number.

Hang on.

I'll call them back now.

They tell you what they're going to do.

You're going to hang up now, and you're going to be good.

And you're going to think about it.

That'll be a timeout.

You're going to tell them.

I'm telling them.

I want you to talk for two hours, fifty-seven minutes.

What a jerk.

Ow!

What a jerk, that guy.

Did you burn yourself?

No.

Did you horse his ass?

What?

It was almost like...

Oh, that's got to be sharp.

No, that's not for it.

Good morning, Royal Crescent Hotel.

Touché, good sir, touché.

Sir.

Good morning again.

I'm still trying to look into your arrival at the hotel.

I have no record of it.

Listen, man.

And I'm trying to find out something.

If you tell me which...

If you've landed at Heathrow, you have to have landed one of four terminals.

And I'm asking you which terminal it is.

And I might be able to check something up for you.

The one with all the gay Frenchmen.

With all the what?

The gay Frenchmen.

I wouldn't know about that.

What about the gay Englishmen?

I wouldn't even know about that.

You bastards.

After what you've done to me here, you've left me stranded.

You know how many minutes are in an hour?

You've asked me that three times already.

Answer my question.

I'm paying your taxes.

Sir, please.

It's no good you keeping on like this because I can't give you any answer.

Look, I'm going somewhere with this.

Do you know how many minutes are in an hour?

You've asked me that so many times, I find it very hard to answer.

And you've only answered twice, and I've asked you about eight times.

No, you've asked me four times because I've been making notes of it.

I've made a note of everything you've said to me.

What does that say about your level of customer service if you don't answer me the equal times that I ask you?

I've tried to give you an answer. Can you give me your name again?

Jack Valenti, and I need to know how many minutes. We're at an hour here.

Valenti?

Yes, Valenti, sir. Valenti.

I have no record of a...

Do you speak English, sir?

This is not England.

Do you know...

Go ahead.

He's getting so frustrated.

Here, we'll try him again.

Your current balance will allow you to talk for...

2 hours, 46 minutes, 29 seconds.

Good morning, Royal Crescent Hotel.

Hello, sir.

Yes?

Why do you speak to my husband like that?

I haven't spoke to your husband at all.

I've tried to help him, but he...

Is he ringing the right hotel?

Yes!

I have no record of you coming to this photo.

We've been waiting for an hour, sir.

Well, I have no record of a taxi coming to you.

How many minutes are in an hour, sir?

I've told your husband that so many times, it's just unnecessary for me to repeat it.

He just wants to know how many minutes are in an hour.

How many do you think there is?

I don't know. I'm an American.

We don't have hours over there.

Please enter your destination number now.

Someone else should take this.

Well, I just want to talk to him and say what's up.

Your current balance will allow you to talk for 2 hours, 44 minutes, 54 seconds.

He sounds...

I should stop.

This is the last one.

Poor guy.

Hello?

Yes, I need some room service, please.

Hello, sir?

He's had enough of us.

Maybe we'll call him another day.

Johnny Squirrel, let's call in.

Who's this?

Milkman says, let Johnny Squirrel call in for me.

This is him right here, watch.

I keep waiting for the phone sex people to call back.

Is this your friend?

No.

Jesus.

My friends are not in Canada.

They're not?

Hey, you bloody Canadian, what's up?

Who gives a fuck how many fucking minutes or the goddamn hour

that so many bitches you dream of beat the shit out of your life?

Damn right, man.

Get some fucking...

Damn straight.

You want to talk to that hotel?

Would you like to talk to someone else, sir?

I don't even give a flying fuck who I talk to

as long as I can fucking...

He sent in some numbers.

...talk somebody up right now.

No, I don't even really give a shit.

He's sending numbers?

Who's got them?

Milkman?

Milkman, you got his numbers real quick?

I sent them to you in cheat talk.

Let's not go up in the case of Lysol and just get fucking pissed.

Okay, who do you want to call?

You want to call this Borai guy?

Or Borhas?

No, we could fucking...

No, no, let's just fucking...

You give it a shot.

I don't even give a fucking...

Well, you calling a prank or you just calling to sit on the line?

Let's fucking prank some fucking whitey ass.

I don't even give a fuck.

All right, whatever.

We're going to call...

Hang on. I want to call more Britain. That'd be awesome, but in the meantime we called that one already hang on

I'm getting my bearings here. Where the fuck are you calling any of your number sir that you sent in?

Don't even bother, but I'll fucking light these anyway

Okay, we're gonna call this hang on where to go

Smurfs tavern, that's the new kid. That's in North Carolina. That was confirmed like

That's kind of late for that anything. I don't know we could we could try calling that pizzeria now

We already did that.

All right.

Whatever.

Suzy Q and company.

Let's see who we're going to call.

I have no idea what this is.

Good luck with it.

TG-35 Seconds.

Oh, come on.

Get another number, man.

Get a good number.

I'm out of numbers, man.

Another one, another one.

Pick it up, pick it up.

I'm out of them.

I got one left.

Steven Peacock.

You get the last one of the night, I suppose.

Peacock.

Steven Peacock.

It's Steven there.

I'm sorry.

You thought I'd take a message?

Uh, who is this?

Who are you?

My name is...

And, uh...

When?

I'm telling...

Okay.

You're not speaking today, all right?

Remember me.

I'm the same guy who...

Who, you know, yard and fucking made those, uh...

Dream came got in your window day. Sorry. He's not

Call him back on Monday

That has nothing to do with the matter, would you please call back on?

Gone I don't even know she hung up. Yeah, she's rather rude these women these days. I love that accent man milk

Milk mellows that I said, we're gonna call Britain again. Hang on Britain

Great Britain.

This is the Devonshire House Hotel in Liverpool, England.

Good luck.

We'll call everyone Chris after this.

I told him.

Good morning, Devonshire.

You got anything like that?

Sorry?

Bar.

A bar there.

How big is the bar?

The bar's not open now.

I don't care about if it's open or not.

That's not even the point.

How big?

How many people does it serve?

I'm going to hold a big pow-wow.

You need to phone back after 9 o'clock in the morning.

Okay, dear, dear, please hold the line.

I just got a little bit of a question for you there.

In your fucking...

Actually, I don't actually like being spoken to swearing down the phone.

Listen, Bar Ranch, what I want to know is how many people your bar can fit.

Well, I'm not being spoken to in that manner,

so if you phone back after 9 o'clock...

Well, I'm sure there's fucking people I want to talk to you to.

No, you can't. I'm afraid.

I can't understand your stupid fucking accent.

I'm not prepared to carry on this conversation, so if you phone back tomorrow after 9.

I pay you. I pay you.

Ma'am, I love you.

Enter your destination number.

Don't forget who you've been talking to. You like that?

Hang on.

I'm afraid.

Your current balance will allow you to talk for 2 hours, 23 minutes, 52 seconds.

I'm horny now, baby.

I don't know if I dialed this right.

I got this one.

Hang on.

You hang on the line.

Hello, sir.

How are you today?

God, motherfucker.

What the fuck was that?

You ruined it.

I told you to hang on.

I called the shots here, sir.

Your current balance will allow you to talk for 2 hours, 22 minutes, 17 seconds.

Detroit Tigers suck.

I got it.

Hang on, man.

You jump in when I say you jump in.

Boy, I'm done.

done. Damn you, woman. Answer the phone.

Alright, we're done. Alright, man.

Thanks for calling in.

I've got no more. I'm done.

I'm spent. Bye.

Good night, sir.

Alright. Uh, what are we doing?

We're playing some applause.

What do you say now there, milkman?

What do you say? I've been talking, but you had me

muted. Yeah, I forgot. I'm sorry.

You know how I do that. Now, we got

a Samir Borhat,

a child dancer.

Alright, I'm gonna call Samir Borhat

all right all right i'm so excited about this hang on folks that was live yeah very good very

long folks are kind of like borat i gave them the number to real radio i always use that i hope they

answer man you think they'll answer hello hey how you doing good how are you hey how you doing

tits is uh some here there yes he is and that's his phone from jack valente the proud the one

and only hey sir how you doing hello hey how you doing good you good you got your phone on here

in your ear? Uh-huh. Can you hear me well, sir? Yeah, who's this? Good. I was wondering if I

could, uh, I wanted to ask your daughter's hand in marriage, sir. Who's this? Jack Valenti. I'm

dating your daughter, and I want to marry her, and I need your permission. I think you have the

wrong person. No, man, this is Samir Borhat. No, I think that's the wrong number. Yeah? Yeah. What

about your daughter, huh? Is that your daughter you're talking on the phone with me? No, I think

you have the wrong number. Hey, that girl who was on the phone now, what's her cup size? Five.

Oh, that's it?

No more?

There's a lot of people waiting here to, you know, listen.

You know what I mean?

All right.

My wife.

Hello.

That's it.

My double ding-dong daughter.

Hey, that sucks.

All right, that sucks.

Our waiter cup dies in marriage.

Yeah, man.

All right, we're out of here.

Milkman, you want to take us out of here?

Yeah, man, this is a great show, man.

I'd like to thank everybody for tuning in, man,

And do another astounding episode here of the Madhouse.

I'd like to thank everybody that called in, especially some of our former listeners that have joined back into the Madhouse party room.

Welcome back, Screaming Me, Vanison.

I'd like to welcome back TS Tech, all of our friends there at PCU, all of our friends at PCR.

Thank you so much for tuning in.

You know what?

We love you guys.

All of you.

We do.

A porn star experience.

That's right.

All right, man.

I also want to thank everybody that called in there.

We had Screamin' Me.

We had Jonathan.

Thanks for calling in.

And that crazy son of a bitch with that communist talk.

Five minutes right here on the Madhouse.

Yeah, you got five minutes with him here.

He's been obviously brainwashed.

You get 15 minutes with him tomorrow.

So be sure to listen to that on the Zolar.

That's right.

Listen to the brainwash episode on Zolar Vision Friday night.

And yeah, let me just settle something real quick in the chat room.

Yes, this song is Today Was a Good Day by Ice Cube off their Predator album, I believe it was.

1993, 1992, 1993.

Something like that.

Yeah.

All right.

Are we done?

Are we out of here?

Jen, thank you for being on again, man.

Just about, man.

Yes, thank you.

Thanks, everyone, for listening.

I hope you guys are tuning in to my show on Sunday.

Yes.

Be sure to check out...

Don't forget.

Are you on both networks still, Jen?

Is that still working out like that?

No, I haven't even streamed to PCI yet.

Oh, I didn't know.

My bad.

Sorry.

I had no idea.

Sunday Lunch with Jen Stewart.

1 p.m.

Milkman, we got a new venture we're going to be starting up pretty soon, too, don't we?

We're pretty excited about that.

That's right, baby.

All right, good.

All right, Milkman, thank you for...

You stay tuned to the Madhouse, because you, too, can get your shot.

That's right.

All right, Milkman, thanks for...

I want to especially thank all of our friends out there, the listeners, because it's all about you.

Yeah.

We got the dime, you got the time, and we're sharing some laughs here.

Sure we are.

And Carlito, I feel this way here.

God bless you.

Thanks a lot, man.

All hail Carlito here in the Madhouse Militia.

Right here.

That's it.

It's over.

Quiet, you.

Five minutes, meet me in bed, sweet kisses.

Ow!

We see Andrew Dice play.

Will, thanks for coming over, man.

No problem, y'all.

Y'all take it easy.

We will.

We love you.

you got cut off

Milkman cuts everybody off

cuts everybody off

it's alright

it wouldn't be a show

without Milkman

and I thank you Milkman

alright we're out of here

thank you everybody

we'll catch you next week

madhouselive.com

I forgot about that

I didn't give out

the website at all tonight

wow

Calls (18, 43 min of 1 h 23 min)

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