2007-03-22 Show (part 2)

steamed your ass in World War II. What do you have to

piss off, woman? Don't talk to me like that.

We don't need you anyway, bitch.

Shut up, bitch. Call me a bitch, you stinky fucker.

You are listening to the Madhouse

Radio Podcast.

Good evening,

everybody. Hello.

Hello there. Hello there, everybody.

Wow, my mic is really loud.

Hey, folks. Madhouse

Radio is on the air once again, returning

triumphantly. We've been missing

for seven days seven days no madhouse now madhouse is back and we did that also hey uh here with me

in uh uh via satellite link up tonight of course as always is none other than milkman milkman

what's up how you doing yeah to get gay all right and uh jim jim stewart from

you sound very good

Welcome back.

I'm sorry about the Hitler stuff.

I always do it to you, and I know you take great offense to that.

You know, it's all right.

It's all right.

You take one for the team.

I appreciate it.

That's it.

No Will here right now.

Will is not available yet.

I don't know if he's coming over.

If he will, he will call, and I will update you about that.

I'm sure you're all worried about Will.

Don't worry about Will, because where there's a Will, there is a way.

All right.

So here we are, March the 22nd of the year 2007, and there's nothing to talk about in the news.

There are rumors that Tony Danza died, is that correct?

I hear people talk, I don't see anything related to that.

What's your source about that, Milkman?

Yeah, I heard about that, but I don't know if that's true.

Milkman.

I heard also, I haven't confirmed it, but they're saying maybe it was alcohol poisoning.

I didn't think Tony Danza drank alcohol that much.

I didn't see him as an alcoholic, you know?

Poor guy.

That's sad.

Tony Danza from Who's the Boss.

I tried to look up a news report about it happening.

I didn't see anything about Tony Danza dying.

I thought I would have heard about that.

So we're not going to break news about that yet.

We're holding it off until we get a few confirmations.

If you know of a website...

Break some wind out of that.

Yeah, we'll break some wind, exactly.

But if you can send us some proof out there, news-wise,

that Tony Danza indeed died this week of alcohol poisoning,

let us know.

And we'll be the first to let you know here on, what are we on?

PC, so we'll let you know there.

Other than that, Sanjaya, my friend Mike says, made it to the top ten in American Idol.

I don't know because I haven't watched American Idol in about four years.

So there you go.

But I've heard the story.

I know the Howard Stern show has been behind him getting voted on or something like that.

I don't know.

If you know about that, you tell me.

I know that Jin doesn't know about that

because he's in Britain

and Milkman doesn't watch American Idol

so whatever

you have Pop Idol don't you

Jin

is that as big a deal as American Idol

is here in America

I'm not really sure

because like I said I don't really watch TV

but they had something called

The X Factor that was pretty big

what's going on here Jin

you don't eat candy

you don't watch TV

you don't say white power

what do you you gotta have some kind of angle here man what's going on i'm sorry i guess i guess

i'm just a rip i'm i'm a bit weird you know oh man are you into balloons sexual balloons um no i

don't like like balloons no not unless they're filled with helium because i make your voice

sound funny but oh yeah you know you get high that way too watch out with that be very careful

i've never tried it you can get killed i never got high when i tried it oh i'm sure well i know

So, yeah, indeed, Jin is, like I said, a cyclist and a vegetarian

and a member of the Labour Party, the new Labour Party.

So there we are.

I fucking hate politics, put it that way.

I do not believe in compulsory government.

He doesn't vote either, guys.

What a horrible, horrible example here of a NATO ally is Jin.

He doesn't even eat candy.

Do you eat pork, at least?

Do you eat pork?

Yeah, I eat pork, I eat beef.

good at least you're not a vegetarian for god's sake we got that going for you

all right so milkman what's been going on with your week kind of milkman what do you report sir

come back come back you broke up there i said what do you report what's going on with you friend

oh man everything's been great man it's been a wonderful day today it was a balmy

me 88 degrees out today busting out all kinds of pcs man i'm gonna go kick out on the beach this

weekend man what do you say man why don't we go uh snorkeling man and cook us up some lobsters

grill them out around the beach what do you think i don't like salt water but that's okay i like the

fish and i like to be on a boat but i'm not getting in the water i'll tell you what you know i'll tell

you what right now man here here here in florida we've got some problems we've got problems here

in florida it's so dry out there we haven't really gotten any good rain all we get is like

an afternoon we'll get like an afternoon or or early evening drizzle with a little bit of

lightning and it's not enough rain to get things wet but it's uh enough lightning to start little

forest fires here and there i know that yeah yeah so i mean what ends up happening what ends up

happening you get a lightning strike in the woods and it starts a fire you know and and that's great

So, you know, every time you ride home, you know, you're smelling burning fire, burning trees and stuff.

It's not a good feeling.

So, yeah, we're going to be burning here pretty soon.

So, watch out.

I'll be headed over to London soon, Jin.

Get ready.

I'm moving in.

Prepare yourself.

Right, yeah, I'm ready for you, man.

You're welcome to come by here anytime.

You got a house?

By the way, I checked out Tony Danza.

It appears he is still alive.

Awesome, awesome.

So, he is not dead.

Tony Danza is.

You've confirmed with him he's okay.

He's a good friend of the show, you know.

Fake rumor.

All right, we'll get breaking news here.

We'd like to announce, according to our sources here,

the BBC is reporting that Tony Danza is very much alive,

and we're very happy about that.

So good.

Yeah.

It's great news.

Tony Danza lives another day.

Excellent.

Okay, so...

Green Reaper passes him by.

Mm-hmm.

Anything else we can talk about here real quick?

I don't know.

Any anniversaries?

Anybody out there having a birthday?

Not that I know of.

All right, so we're moving on.

I got a new website for anybody who wants to check it out.

All right.

early in the show, but hey.

If you want to check it out, you ever get bored.

You really got jinstewart.com? That's awesome.

Yes, I did.

I got jinstewart.com. KDK gave me the hosting

and I guess I just

set it up. Ten minutes and that was it.

jinstewart.com. Hosting

provided by KDK.

Prankcalls.com. KDK as in

kill, death, kill. KDKprankcalls.com.

That's awesome.

Big time, baby.

Yeah, that's something, man.

Awesome.

So you're going to have your pranks up there?

What you got going on over there?

My pranks are already up there.

I'm just going to upload the shows, and then everything will be on.

Good.

So you're going to have a blog on there, too?

You're going to be sharing any information?

Yeah, it's got a link to my blogger, my Google blogger,

and I use that basically to update people who are interested in my pranks.

Awesome, man.

Good deal, man.

Good on you.

That's awesome.

We were supposed to be on.

Thanks, man.

I was going to announce, but we're having technical difficulties.

with them, but we were going to be featured

for the very first time at

TalkShoe.com

T-A-L-K-S-H-O-E

dot com

We are scheduled to be on there tonight at this time

They are having technical difficulties

and we have not actually, I have not been able to

connect to them, so

for the time being, we're not on there, but later on

hopefully tonight, we will be on

live on TalkShoe.com

and that's awesome, welcome to the family

Hopefully they'll make it on soon

and uh yeah that's right the madhouse radio network we consist of uh prank call radio.com

pcr prank call radio.com carrying us what's up dr lego and the oak congratulations for being with

us congratulations that i give you the honor of having me and then of course prank call

underground radio pcu radio.com uh and what's up to uh kdk ted and all those kids out there

Thank you for being on with us here.

Yeah, bye-bye.

And, of course, none other than MadHouseLive.com.

98.6.

Oh, my.

That's right.

The best place to hear their show is at MadHouseLive.com.

Check out our podcast.

Check out the live links, the players, the old pranks, the old episodes, all that jazz is over there.

MadHouseLive.com.

Get on it, man.

Get on it.

Tell your woman to get on top of you and get on it and that I told you to do it.

Bye-bye.

That's right, Milkman.

Very well put.

What else can I say here if you want to get a hold of me?

Madhouse Radio.

Yeah, Madhouse Radio.

Is that my AOL?

Why do I always mess this up, Milkman?

Where's my list?

It's supposed to have my list for me.

There you go.

You see?

That's right.

And you can do request a prank from the site.

That's right.

Request a prank at the top.

Go HTTP to our site.

100% free.

We have two prank call requests this week.

From the prank call, request email back to get you.

Remind me of that, Milkman.

Also, if you want to hit us up on AOL Instant Messenger, indeed it is, Madhouse Radio is the screen name, Madhouse Radio.

Yahoo Messenger, Madhouse Radio Online.

Again, Yahoo Messenger users, Madhouse Radio Online.

And if you're tuning in to us and you happen to be signed in to MSN Messenger, that's going to be MadhouseLive at Hotmail.com.

MadhouseLive at Hotmail.com.

I have so many messenger names here.

We've got old ones and new ones and ones that are secret and all that.

So, yeah.

And if you're an AOL messenger, also The Mouth 98.6 Live.

The Mouth 98.6 Live.

That's confusing.

Don't worry about that one.

Get a hold of us.

Regardless, the toll-free line is open.

Hey, if you really want to find out the URL, just listen to our old show, The Mouth episode.

It's famous.

Yes.

And you'll understand what we're talking about and how silly it was.

That was a different time.

That's back when Mad Men was on the show back then, man.

Imagine that.

Wow.

Wow, that's something.

I don't know.

Yeah, but if you want to call us toll-free here,

anywhere in the United States and Canada,

the toll-free line is 888-278-8509.

Again, the toll-free line here tonight will be 1-888-278-8509.

Other than that, we've got to –

That's right.

You've got the time.

We've got the dime.

Hell, yeah.

Toll-free lines are good, man.

Toll-free lines are good.

for those of you

for those of you out there who want to send a prank call

request you can also do so at the email

address worst comes to worst

madhouseradio at gmail.com

or just hit us up in the chat room

if you want to hit us up in the chat room you have to

go to madhouselive.com

and follow the instructions there that's all I'll tell you

that's all I'll tell you

we've got a ton of numbers here

incoming from Lonesome Loser himself

Lonesome Loser Storm Shadow

the hardest working man

in PC

I see his lonesome loser.

And boy ever has he sent in numbers.

We've got a number in Dublin, Ireland for Michael and Julie McClure.

Let's see.

We've got a gas station that an Indian guy answered.

Well, that's something, huh?

We got, ooh, look at this.

Tough Guy Bowling Lanes.

Tough Guy Bowling Lanes in Idaho.

We got the Castle Hotel in England.

We've got Butt Design LTD in New Zealand.

We've never called New Zealand before, man.

Well, how about that?

That would be a first time.

That's awesome.

So we're definitely going to have to call New Zealand Butt Design Limited, I guess.

Is that what LTD stands for?

Kiwis are cool, man.

Kiwis?

Is that what they call themselves?

Yeah, Limited is LTD.

LTD.

What makes a business limited, may I ask?

Anything special?

You have to register it.

I don't know how it works over there in America.

Limited, of course.

Limited liability.

They have limited liability, and in a corporation, it has no liability whatsoever.

The people themselves aren't liable, just the corporation itself.

Yeah, I know that.

I know that from economics, man.

Come on, don't fuck with me.

I know what I'm talking about.

I'm about to make a great announcement here that we're almost live on TalkShoe.

It's launching right now.

Doing business as.

DBA, that's right.

That's just a one person, right?

And if you're busy.

Oh, hey, there is a birthday on the list.

A birthday on the list.

Hit us up with a birthday.

Yes.

all right big shout out to my my little buddy the young man at johnny happy birthday young man

all right he got all his own report card who's this who's this now a johnny a johnny oh you're

talking yeah all right whatever okay look that's my young buddy look guys we gotta we gotta move

on with prank calls the people get restless they'll kick me off the air and i'll never be

invited again all right all right you guys ready who should i call oh hell yeah i'm ready

Who should I call?

Should I call that New Zealand number?

And your hand goes in the hat?

Cool.

Butt Design Limited.

Call the Irish guy.

The Irish guy, okay.

All right, we'll call the McClure family here.

Just one moment, folks.

We're going to be right back with the first prank call of the night.

Oh, I know an asshole, McClure.

There it is.

Let's see if they live up to their name.

Hello?

Hello, madam, how are you?

Madam?

You're not a madam.

You're certain of this?

I'm looking for Madam Julie.

Is she there?

I don't give a shit what time it is.

I want to talk to Julie Cakes.

Who's this?

That's all we get.

Please enter your destination number now.

Oh, that was fun.

Boy, oh, boy.

We're going to call New Zealand where it's 1.30 p.m., is it not?

Is that the deal?

Oh, they're really friendly people in New Zealand.

You'll love them.

That's sarcasm, or is that for real?

No, no, that's for real.

I know there's really nice people over there.

Okay.

They're great people, man.

Okay.

New Zealand it is.

Hang on, folks.

I've got several of the listeners actually on my list from there.

All right, this is Butt Design Limited.

Yeah, what's up? Yo, yo, what's up? What's up, kid? How you doing? Yo, who's this? No, what's your name, kid? What the fuck?

They're gonna speak proper English to these people?

What the fuck?

Kerry?

Yeah.

Hello, sir. Did you just hang up on my brother? Did you just hang up on my brother, sir?

Probably.

boy. Why would you do something

like that? He's got a lot of money. You've never

heard of Eddie Garcia?

I'm not. I'm going to sign now for you.

Whatever you said, man. Hey.

You know what? I'm really

upset with these people.

You have 32 minutes, 18 seconds

before applicable service fee.

Terry. Yeah.

Eddie Garcia is a god damn hero

to the free world. And that includes you,

you New Zealand sir.

So, listen up. When I put

him on the line, you're going to take

his order do you understand me what's it regarding well first of all eddie garcia single-handedly

saved the free world back in world war ii you understand yeah what do you want what do you want

he's trying to get something designed i don't know i'm his handler you understand all right i'm

putting him on are you ready sir are you ready to receive him hello all right hello hello yo what's

up yo it's eddie garcia yo you know who i am uh yep all right well check it out man i need to

to order an ass

because you got

your butt design,

right?

Yeah.

I want the biggest

black ass you can

make me, man.

And I want to

wear it, though.

Yeah.

No, man.

Give me the black

ass, man.

Please enter your

destination number.

All right.

We'll leave him

alone.

We'll leave him

alone now.

That was stupid

and juvenile.

That was great.

Big black ass.

That was stupid

and juvenile.

I hope you kids

enjoyed that.

that goes that goes out to the neck the neck out there good for you

as i drink my diet sprite and look for my lighter um i guess i should open the toll-free line i

guess it's time let people call in i don't see why not big stogie's fired up there or not i sure do

as a matter of fact that is what i'm gonna light here so you're gonna have to actually take the

reins for a little bit here if you don't mind and tell people how to call us here toll-free

while I enable the toll-free line

and light my cigar, sir.

Go ahead now.

It's okay.

Everybody going to call in now.

888-278-8509.

That's it?

You got the time,

or we got the dime.

You can't be afraid to talk.

You know,

Jin's going to slowly start

replacing you, Milkman, here.

And may I say, Jin?

No, I don't think I'd be better than him.

You know, when I'm on other people's shows,

it seems that I'm alright.

But when I'm on my own show,

I just can't hack it.

I hear that, man.

Your show, though, is great.

I look forward to listening to your show.

I look forward to listening to it the last two weeks.

No, I really enjoy it, man.

It makes my Sunday.

I tell you what.

I really enjoy it, man.

Keep doing what you're doing.

It's good stuff.

You're getting better.

I will keep doing that.

A little bit of that.

Yeah.

And it was actually fun.

Thank you for having me on last week, man.

It was fun to be on the air there.

I was a little out of it.

Hey, man.

You're more than welcome, you know.

If I'm welcome on your show, you can come to mine.

Hell, yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

Brotherhood, man.

man. Brotherhood is all it takes.

Right. Alright, man.

Ooh, we got a number in Tasmania, Australia.

We've got the Stanley Cool

Stores. Storage.

I don't get that. Stanley Cool...

Take those Aussie numbers, man. I'll call in.

You want the Aussie numbers? We got

unbelievable...

We got an unbelievable amount of numbers here.

Lonesome Losers are really coming in lately. I appreciate it, man.

Very well done.

Yeah, Lonesome Losers.

Thanks, Greg. I'll call in

later towards the end of the show, and we can

We can call Australia.

That would be awesome.

That's right.

But, again, the toll-free line is open, 888-278-8509.

Just a pimp game entertainment Atlanta.

Imagine that.

Of all places, that's going to be in Atlanta.

I wanted to peg that one.

I'm going to call.

I'm going to be silly here.

I'm going to call the.

That's Nautica's number.

No, she got out of the business.

She told me not to call her back.

Remember that?

She said she.

Yeah, that was a while ago.

Hey, that's who we need to call.

Oh, we need to call Fuck You Bitch Motherfucker Guy, man.

How about that?

Yeah, that's right.

Do we got his number yet?

Let me see if I got that here.

We got to get him on the line and hook him up at the same time with Sam Mew, Jin's buddy.

Yeah.

Hey, hell yeah.

Here we go.

Right in front of me, right here.

Here it is.

That would be an ultimate right there.

Hang on.

We have a...

Don't call back here.

Now I'm going to call the police.

We have a special caller.

Hang on.

Never mind.

We don't have a special caller.

A special caller hung up.

All right.

We're going to call the Dunkin' Donuts, a.k.a. Sam the Donut Man,

featured here heavily on Madhouse Radio.

We haven't talked to him in a while.

But he is an angry Arab gentleman.

And I'm going to have to find a song to play for him.

Oh, nice.

You got the half hat minute?

If you had anything to say, I would have killed you in my bed.

There you go.

Hey, we might need you to call back in with that.

I don't know if I can call in with it because I'll be on my landline.

All right.

Oh, shit.

You can play me playing as a soundboard, man, to him.

Send me the soundboard.

That's right.

You can talk and have him do the soundboard.

I'll send you a file.

Yeah, hold on a second.

We'll be right back.

Deacon Donut.

Hello, sir.

Hello.

Hello, hey, I have a question.

Do you have a Krispy Kreme Donuts, man?

No.

Why not?

Why don't you have...

Where's the Krispy Kreme Donuts, man?

They have...

I got a line now.

Can I call back in five minutes?

Are you sure?

If you could talk to me in five minutes?

Yeah, please.

Do you know of Krispy Kreme Donuts?

Yeah, thank you.

Are you interested?

All right, five minutes, everybody.

Five minutes, we're calling him back.

You heard him.

He promised me.

All right.

You can call me back in five minutes.

He goes, we've never carried the Krispy Kreme donuts.

Really?

You never carried Krispy Kreme donuts there?

Jesus.

Will announcing here that he cannot make it tonight.

Will will not make it tonight, everybody.

Aw, man.

Wah, wah, wah.

Free

Willy

Free Willy everybody

Free him right up his ass

He wants freedom

So we move on

We move on with the show.

Any more news to talk about here?

Anything else happen in the last five minutes?

Shit, let me just check Wikipedia.

Hold on.

Wikipedia.

Probably nothing.

Nothing interesting ever happens here in this world.

Not in my house.

Not on my show.

Hang on, everybody.

Just one moment here.

I'm trying to...

What is that?

There's a mining disaster in Russia.

Said to be the worst mining incident in a decade.

The Pakistani cricket team...

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, the coach of the Pakistani cricket league, Bob Wormer, is believed to be murdered.

That's not a real sport.

Who cares?

And that's pretty much the biggest news today.

Wow, that's it?

That's something.

Yeah, that's it.

I've got some breaking news.

Breaking news from Milkman.

Watch out.

Milkman's got the news.

Yes.

Are you ready for this?

No.

Nunu fancies a bum.

Is that it?

That's all you had to say.

Nunu fancies a bum.

Nunu fancies a bum, whatever that means.

Most of our listeners don't know what the hell you're talking about, but that's fine.

Yeah.

everybody knows

it knows

this just in

British people are gay

oops

sorry

I totally agree

you're German actually

so that's okay

that's the point

I can say anything

I like about the British

is that my phone

ringing

hang on folks

that is your phone

welcome to the mouth

hello

Chris

yeah speaking

what's going on

let me speak with Chris

who

Chris

he's a little busy right now

who's this

I must have the wrong number

no no no

No, Chris is here. I'm saying, who's this?

No, I don't want Chris.

Chris who?

I don't want Chris, man.

Well, who do you need?

Who is this?

Oh, you gotta tell me first. You're calling my house. This is my church.

I'm not playing games with you, young man.

Hey, don't play games with me, young sir.

I've got this number traced. I know your address and your social security number.

Well, come here then.

Well, maybe I will.

No, not maybe. You do this. Come right now.

I'll come right now too. You ready?

Sir.

What's your address?

I thought you had it.

I do, but I don't give it out over the phone. It's not safe. You're a stranger.

Alright, now you're just playing games like a stupid cord on the cob.

Now you're being sick.

You're being sick.

But remember, you're calling my house.

Now you're being cord on the cob, man.

Yeah?

I'm being corn on the cob.

Corn on the cob.

Alright.

So how's the English for beginners working for you, sir?

Corn on the cob?

What is this?

That's what you...

What are you talking about, corn on the cob?

Corn on the cob.

Right there.

Corn on the cob.

You stupid immigrant.

Get off my phone.

I command you to hang up the phone.

Hey.

Hey, listen here right now.

I said, I command you.

Hey, you listen right here, buddy.

Go ahead.

You tell me how it's going to be, sir.

Don't play too much.

Yeah?

Yeah.

And that's it?

You kind of wasted it.

It's super.

I'm feeling a little, you know, a little queasiness.

Yeah, that's fine.

I just ate a bunch of cornstarch.

Well, that is a fun time.

Yeah, cornstarch is fun.

Fun good.

All right, brother man, we'll say hi to all your fans real quick.

I got to go.

Not that.

Yes, it is.

That's not what I'm saying, man.

Okay.

Well, I got to go, sir.

You're kind of creeping me out, buddy.

all right because you're gonna hang up first yeah watch okay well hey thank you very much for calling

in creepy man don't do it you have a good night don't do it it's done it's done milkman can we

get a review on that can we do it and do it all right here we go rewind and now we're rewinding

it hang on okay all sounds point to yes man i gotta i gotta let you go you have a good night

though sir thank you for calling in all right what the fuck you need to shut the fuck up i don't

What the hell that guy's problem was?

That guy was sick and perverted sounding.

Did you hear him?

What the hell was his problem, man?

He's sick.

No, no.

Where's Chris?

Don't be nervous.

I'm not Chris.

I'm Carlito.

It starts with a C, but it's not the same.

What the fuck was that?

I was saying, is that that Dunkin' Donuts guy?

It's supposed to be five minutes.

Let's call him back.

Is it five minutes already?

It's been five minutes, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, man, yeah, man.

All right, hang on.

Give me a second here.

I'm trying to fix something else.

So I got something not working here again.

Give me a second.

We're going to call Sam the Donut Man back in a second.

Hang on, folks.

I just think he's not answering anymore.

So that's it from Crazy Fucker.

Not Crazy Fucker.

Fuck you, bitch motherfucker, rather.

We have the weirdest names for our celebrities on this show.

Crazy Fucker.

Yeah.

Right.

Continuing on, more numbers to call.

Well, if you want to call in, the toll-free line is now open.

Again, the toll-free line is 1-888-278-8509.

Again, 1-888-278-8509.

Any ideas, Milkman?

I don't think I have any more New Zealand numbers here.

I got that Playboy Lounge.

I do got a lot of them.

I've got, actually, let me see this here.

Tasmania, Australia.

Australia. I've got Fame Karaoke.

I'm going to try to give them a call here in just a moment, folks.

Okay? Hang on.

Fame Karaoke coming right up on the mound.

You want me to call in?

In a second. In a second.

I'm so stupid, I hate

to talk about it.

Hi. You're very exciting,

we're calling the

CM Garden Restaurant.

Stick to domestic numbers?

Sounds like the guards aren't allowed.

Hello?

Hey, what's up?

Hey, lady, how are you?

Lady.

What?

I said lady.

Are you a woman or are you not?

Ma'am.

What's up with you?

What address am I?

What?

81A Bathurst Street.

That's me.

It's yours.

Yeah.

That's what it says here in the paper.

You won the paper.

Yeah, I won the paper.

Yes, that's very good.

Very good, ma'am.

What's on the paper?

Yeah, what's the number 69?

I don't know.

I'm very busy.

I'm trying to make an order, you stupid shit.

You want to order what?

Number 69.

We have a good number 69.

I know time to talk to you.

Number 2? Hello?

Hello?

Can I order a number 2?

What's a number 2?

Number 2, meal number 2.

What's a number 2? I don't know number 2 what.

I don't know.

Can you tell me what's a number 2?

General Soul Chicken, I don't know. You tell me what you have.

I want some food. I'm down the street. I want some food.

Making you an order. What's good there?

You want the food?

Yes. What the hell do you think I want?

Phone number is over there.

I know. I'm a tourist. I'm American. I have money. American money. You understand?

Um, we closed already.

You know, how do you close already? It's 5 o'clock.

We closed at 2 o'clock.

I thought you just said you're busy.

No. I'm working. I'm still working. I live here.

You're a liar. Let me talk to your manager.

The manager is not here.

Who's this?

I'm not lying.

What do you do?

I'm not telling lies. You tell lies.

You stupid woman. Put on your manager.

I don't know.

Put a man on the phone.

No man on the phone.

Are you washing your hands?

You're ready?

Are you washing your hands?

It's a privacy.

You know me or something, okay?

You want privacy with me?

Me and you in the bathroom?

You're crazy.

You listen to me, you motherfucking bitch.

You fucking Asians are not going to get away with it.

You understand?

I don't think I told her.

She's gone.

You're crazy.

You've got to save that.

We've got to isolate that little bit there.

You're crazy.

Geez.

I think she's crazy.

I like your accent.

God damn it.

I just won a number 69.

What the hell's the problem with her?

Rude bitch.

Keep an eye on that card, man.

Is that our last card?

I think it was a $10 card, but I don't know if you're using it or not.

Man.

That's the same card I sent you last week.

That is the same one from last week, homo.

Jonathan, what's up, man?

How you doing?

What's up, Carlito?

I'm not good.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

I didn't get a chance to eat dinner and I'm hungry.

It sucks.

If you could break in, I'd eat you something real quick.

I might.

I got a Publix sub next to me.

You got a Publix there in your part of Florida?

Oh, yeah.

Got the best fried chicken in the South, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, and the best sub you can get is a Publix sub, man.

I don't care where you're from, but that's what I say.

There should be a Publix in every state in the Union, huh?

Yeah, I don't like their subs, but I don't like nothing on mine.

Nothing?

What do you mean, just meat and cheese?

Yeah, I don't eat any mustard or anything like that.

I get mustard mayo, I get onion, black olive, and salt and pepper, that's it.

I'm pretty plain, I don't like lettuce, I hate tomato, I hate tomatoes.

I hate cold or hot, I hate red sauce in my spaghetti.

I like all Alfredo sauce, I'd rather have a pizza with a white sauce, you know?

White pizza?

Yeah, I'm like that, I don't like that at all.

But yeah, so what do you think of the show so far?

The show so far.

What do you think about the show so far, man?

Did you hear the last prank call?

Yeah, I heard it. That was a good call.

Thank you, man. Thank you.

And why didn't you call me when you came down? What happened over the weekend?

I got tied up in some things.

Who'd you come down with, the old lady?

I'm going to meet her up there.

Oh, she lives down here?

Yes.

Oh, okay. So that's what's going on. You get a little too busy when you're down here, huh?

Yep. I spend my time at Universal or SeaWorld.

Are you going to CityWalk or are you just going to the studios?

I go to both.

You go to CityWalk? Seriously?

Yeah.

Wow.

Well, the next time you go to Universal, you let me know,

and we'll meet up there, and I'll buy you a drink, all right?

I'll get you a pina colada at Lime Quarter.

How's that sound?

Yeah, that sounds like a deal.

I'll get you a margarita at Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville.

Hey, I'm always up for that.

I'll get you a malt liquor at the Motown Cafe.

There we go, man.

All right, brother.

Well, now's your chance to say hi to all your fans.

I'd like to say hello to all my friends and fans and listeners,

and I hope you have a swell weekend.

All right, Jonathan.

You have a good week, sir.

Thank you for checking in as always

God bless you

You know you two doubt me

But I say you cannot do a show without Jonathan

It's just you can't do it

I don't disagree

You always need somebody

I mean if I couldn't have Jonathan on the show every week

Jonathan is a member of the show man

Jonathan is a member of this show

He's a loyalist man

He's a loyalist

We gotta watch out when we say that man

Jonathan he's like hey man why don't I join in the show

Like uh

Yeah

Yeah, you're joining the – we're working on it.

We were telling him for a while that Lego didn't want him to be on the show.

That's funny.

I got to say this story.

Jonathan kept saying, when is he going to be on the show?

So we're like, yeah, Lego said no one else is allowed on our show.

So Jonathan goes to Lego.

Lego has no idea what we're talking about, about this whole thing.

Jonathan messages Lego, yeah, Carlitos says that I need to go through you

if I want to be on this show.

Lego's like, yeah, whatever.

So then Lego calls me

He's like yeah Jonathan's messaging me

Like all day non-stop

About you joining the madhouse

What's this all about

Like I don't know I just told him to talk to you

And he was cracking up

Poor Jonathan I feel bad

Jonathan's a good guy

KDK

KDK is a big fan of Jonathan I understand

I'm led to believe

Hang on folks

Hello

What's going on

What's going on? What's going on? Who's this?

Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, turn your ear around.

Hello.

Hi.

Alright, what's that? That sounds like that Mr. Microphone shit from back in the 80s.

Seriously, how'd you do that? I'm trying to get some shit like that for my show.

It's a VST plug-in. You can use it with Cubase or FL Studio or a bunch of other software.

Yeah, it's all French. Is that all Mac stuff or something?

No, it's PC stuff, I guess.

Alright, cool.

That's pretty cool.

Oh, shit.

That sounded like a Young Jeezy song there for a second or something like that.

Or like Busy Bone for a second.

So that's how they do it.

That's cool.

So it's just like a voice modulator that you have.

Shit, nice.

You've got that connected to your computer?

Is that how it works?

Yeah, yeah.

That's right.

You kind of use the scale you want to play in.

Yeah.

And you just sing.

And it does the work for you.

Cool.

It's what Shure uses.

Oh, yeah.

Are you a long time listener to this show?

Do I know who you are?

No, no.

It's my first time.

Yeah?

Someone recommended this show for the first time.

Good deal.

So I decided to call.

Good deal.

Well, we're trying to do a good job tonight.

We're doing okay.

What are your thoughts on it as a first-time listener?

It's pretty funny, man.

I love prank calls.

Well, yeah.

We do them live here.

You got anybody you want prank called?

I don't know any numbers.

No, that's fine.

No pressure, but it's always good talking to a new listener, man.

Tell all your friends.

Yeah, yeah.

We're trying to survive.

They keep trying to cancel us every month, man.

No, they can't do that.

Well, they keep trying.

This guy, Dr. Lego, he's my nemesis, and he keeps trying to pull the plug on my show.

We try everything.

We try everything we can, man.

So if you can, let your friends know.

We don't need any money.

We just need people to listen.

All right, man.

I'll spread the word.

All right.

Go to the website, madhouselive.com.

What's your name?

For sure.

What's your name?

Do you want to be known by any name?

Do you have a secret name?

A code name?

I'll keep my name confidential right now.

All right.

But you can call me Musical LSD.

Musical LSD.

That's a beautiful statement, man.

All right, God bless you, brother.

All right, you too, man.

Thanks for calling in, man.

No problem.

Later.

That's some cool effects he was doing, though.

What was that all about, though?

Yeah, he sounded just like, I don't know.

Yeah, that was awesome.

Shit, I need that.

Yeah, it was like, I don't know.

I can't reproduce it.

It's just impossible.

I love what you said about Lego.

That's crazy.

Yeah, Lego is trying to pull us off the air all the time, man.

He's always nefarious, and he's my arch nemesis.

But he needs me just like I need him.

I need each other.

We all need each other, all here as a family, all us.

us together here doing what is right speaking of which it is right to take another call people

really love talking to us now you know we should never get callers like this madhouse radio you're

on the air who is this kp man what's up what's up how you doing everything's cool right everything's

cool getting jiggy with it down here in uh st croix no no no no no no what's going on with

you guys are still getting jiggy with it down in st croix huh hell yeah man you know we're like

Like, always late for that shit, so we're still getting jiggy with it.

What's the point of being on time, huh?

So you're a friend of Milkman's then, eh?

Yeah, man, yeah, that's my boy.

That's cool, that's cool.

Does he tell you what to do, or do you tell him what to do?

No, he tells me what to do.

Oh, you see, Milkman, this is one of your slaves.

I'm just playing.

He's laughing.

You can't hear him, but he's laughing, man.

He's laughing.

So is this the first time you listen to the show?

Have you called him?

You haven't called him before, have you?

I called him once.

A while ago, right?

A few weeks ago?

This is way back, but yeah, I listen to you guys all the time.

That's good, man.

That's good to know.

What's going on in the Virgin Islands?

How are things?

Everything's cool.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I'm here all in the middle of Plaza Shopping Center to go into a bar or something.

Oh, sweet.

All right, man.

That's cool.

What do you want to drink?

What do you drink, beer?

No, no, hell no.

I drink like rum and shit.

Oh, yeah, that's good.

Cruisin' rum?

That's good rum right there.

Oh, you know about the Cruisin' rum?

Oh, yeah, I bought a ton of it, actually, on my cruise out there.

Player, player.

I stayed in St. Thomas for a night, and I actually bought a whole ton of cruising rum.

Like, for nine bucks a bottle was something really cheap.

That's what I drank for the rest of the cruise.

I got sick as hell.

But, hey, whatever.

You need to drink dark rum, dude.

Dark rum.

It has too much sugar.

Yeah, I can't.

I don't like dark rum.

It's got that bite to it.

It's just like Captain Morgan.

I got real sick on Captain Morgan once and forget it after that.

Yeah, but I'm more of a gin drinker now, to be honest with you.

I stopped rum.

No rum?

No, I'm Puerto Rican.

I just drank so much of it, you know.

It's just coming out of my ears, so I stick to gin now.

To be honest with you, I don't drink.

I'm not even a drinker anymore.

Maybe I have one drink a week.

Honestly, that's it.

One drink a week.

Right.

Okay.

You're a lightweight, man.

I am.

Well, I don't get drunk, but it's good for the heart.

Yeah, definitely.

You've got to keep the insides lubed up with alcohol.

All right, man.

So you guys, who's going to do a prank call on me?

You want to do a prank call?

Yeah, man.

I'm ready.

Hell, yeah.

Look at that, Milkman, bringing in the new talent here.

You got a, what do you call them, a gas station or something like that?

A gas station.

Let me see if I have one in America here, because we're running out of international minutes here.

Milkman, we don't have another phone card in case we run out here?

We don't have a backup?

Man, that's a card, right?

That's a $10 card, bro, and I didn't know it was so low, man.

Yeah, we're down to a dollar on that thing.

Drink it fast.

Yeah, those international calls, dude.

Drink it fast, Milkman.

That's right.

I've got a Hooters here in America.

Hang on, I'm looking for a gas station.

I've got a massage place in Alaska.

Seriously?

Massage place.

Let's see.

Outdoor Creations in Alaska.

We've got the Blues Bar, a lounge, a casino in California, a liquor store, a general store in Compton.

Here we go.

There we go.

An Arab guy answered.

Yeah, there we go.

We've got a few liquor stores, too.

I think we can make something out of this.

All right, good.

We've got a plan.

All right, man.

You hang on.

All right.

Everybody else hang on.

We'll be right back.

Hello?

Yeah.

Hello?

Hello.

Yeah, what's up going on, man?

Hm?

I'm out...

Can you hear me?

Yeah.

Yeah, what's going on?

Okay.

I'm trying to set up this party we're having over here, right?

And I only need a couple things, but I want to make sure you've got it before I come all

the way over there and you ain't got what I need, you know what I'm saying?

Wait, what?

Dude, are you listening to me, man?

I'm telling you, I'm having a party, and I want to make sure you have everything I

need before I go all the way down there and you ain't got what I need, so I want to run

off a couple things to make sure.

Sure. Is that straight?

No, what do you want?

Alright, man. I want. Okay.

You got Johnny Walker Black?

You call the liquor store.

Hello?

You call the liquor store.

Yeah, I know. I'm trying to get something to drink here, man.

Y'all are like acting like I'm a fool or something. What's up with that, man?

You got Johnny Walker Black?

No.

You got no Johnny Walker?

Yeah, Johnny Walker.

Hello?

Let me see. Johnny Walker.

Johnny Walker. That's some good shit right there, man. You ain't got it?

No.

You ain't got it?

No.

Okay. You got hypnotic?

Yep.

Okay, you got, how much is your hypnotic?

What size?

The biggest size you got.

$24.99.

Damn, $24.

How big is that?

What liter?

Yeah.

How many people y'all got working over there?

Five.

Five people?

In a liquor store, you need five people?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, bye.

Huh?

What a jackass.

I like that idea, though.

Hang on, let me, I got another one here.

Any second now, we'll be able to dial that.

Milkman, I think we're down to like 50 cents on that phone card, man.

Not good.

You have numbers and we're coming in this time.

Yeah, I know.

What's going on, man?

Hello?

You're not a man.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hello?

Yes, how can I help you?

My bad, my bad.

I'm tripping.

How you doing?

No problem.

How can I help you?

I'm trying to get a party going, and I want to order a couple things.

I want to make sure you got it before I go all the way over there and you ain't got it.

You know what I'm saying?

Well, Paul, you'll have to call and speak to George in the morning.

But I'm about to set it off like right now.

Can I just run off a couple of things?

Yeah, Jerry, can I help you?

Hello?

Yeah, can I help you?

Yeah, I'm having a party, and I'm trying to pop it off.

And I just want to make sure you guys got everything I need before I go on over there and you ain't got it.

You're having a party when?

Tonight.

Tonight?

Yeah, man, yeah.

I can't tell you what you got on the phone over there.

You want to buy something, you have to come in.

I can't ask a question over the phone?

No, you don't understand.

I got requests.

People want hypnotic.

People want Johnny Walker.

And if I go down there and you ain't got it, that's a wasted trip, you know what I'm saying?

Well, okay.

Well, if I was you, we might not have it all, you know?

That's up to you.

You want to take a chance and come.

Okay.

Can I?

Right.

Okay.

Like, turn off a couple things?

Aw.

Damn.

These people ain't biting.

They ain't got no love for these people.

All right.

Hang on.

I'm taking this one.

We're calling them back.

How many minutes was that?

28.

Oof.

Gary.

Hey, how you doing?

Okay.

Good.

Hey, do you guys have a cosmopolitan mix there?

Nope.

I don't know what you're talking about.

What kind of mix is you got, you stupid woman?

She doesn't...

God damn it.

I'm going to call and request to speak to Jerry.

Hang on.

Give me a second.

Any minute now.

I wish there was a way that I could just make it.

One to take me...

Here we go.

Enter your destination number now.

Twenty-seven minutes before applicable service fee.

Jerry.

How dare your wife hang up on me?

Oh, man.

What the fuck do you want, man?

How dare you?

You people...

What the fuck do you want?

You people hang up the phone.

You don't turn off your cell phones when you go to the movie theater.

You talk in the movie theater.

You black people.

Yeah, well, you kiss my motherfucking ass.

Yeah, oh, you know what?

Oh, man.

That's too much.

That guy's funny.

You got to...

I'm going to have to...

You got to say that lick and isolate it later.

Yeah.

Enter your destination number.

Jerry's is a trip.

I'm going to call the...

What do we got here?

here. What do we got here? The Hooters

Las Vegas Casino, if I still have time.

I think I took too long to dial it. Alright, man.

I'm going to let you go. Alright, man. Thanks for calling in,

man. It's good having you on the air. Peace.

What's that cast name again?

KC, KJ, JK,

JD, JD Armstrong.

So seriously, you don't

have another

phone card. Seriously, Milkman, is that

the deal? It's a $10 card, man.

I didn't know it went down because of the international

card. Yeah, because

last week we did nothing but an

international calls man so that's right man you kind of caught me off guard i didn't think it

would be gone that quick lonesome loser says that he has an international card but he just tested it

and it doesn't seem to block his caller id uh and the card that he usually uses is out of stock he

can't find it so we've got a problem we're running out of uh we're running out of show i'm going to

take a break then since it's time for a break anyway we're an hour in we're going to take a

a break here if you have a phone card you can send us a you know blocks uh caller id let us know

uh please don't worry we got we got plenty we got 20 minutes with the prank calls i'm sure

something will work out folks we're going to take a break though it's time to do that

i'm going to go uh rub one out real quick you can do the same if you'd like

again if you want to reach us here tonight on aol instant messenger use madhouse radio yahoo

messenger madhouse pcu radio and uh msn messenger madhouse live at hotmail.com and uh what else

nothing else there's nothing else to talk about i guess i already gave the toll-free line out

earlier i'm not going to give it out again so for the time being i leave you with this we'll be

right back after this it is now 12 17 a.m eastern standard time friday march 23rd the weekend is

here congratulations we'll be right back after this two doggone late that's right gotta testify

come up in the spot look at extra fly for the day i die house radio will be back right after this

don't tell me 40 000 people are coming here

madhouse radio is live thursday nights at 10 p.m eastern i don't have time for your bullshit

shit thank you man be sure to visit us online at madhouse live.com oh yeah just come over here

i'm gonna show you when i talk to your mom watch you a little bit

this is me

me.

Well, hey, it's me.

Giving you the word of love.

They must have some crazy dogs.

I don't want your crazy dog.

Get on down.

Or do you like the little young black man?

I won't be sad.

You're going to cry.

I won't cry?

You're going to cry.

Revolute Tuck.

Show.blogspot.com.

Crank call.

Podcast.

Internet.

For you.

For your family.

For your future children

It's all right here

What's up everybody

How y'all doing

And we're back

Hang on

Hang on everybody

Just a moment

Let me get

Let me get the music down here properly

And let me get the

Milkman and the Jen

Unmuted her

Jen you're unmuted

Milkman

unmuted. I'm sorry about that. I forgot to

unmute you.

Alright, man.

Okay.

All that

talking about gin, I decided to mix

myself a drink, man. I got myself a gin

and diet Sprite

going on over here.

I didn't recommend it, but alright.

Oh, I'm drinking it.

I'm drinking it now. Hang on folks. We got a caller

I love gin. You don't like gin. Isn't that your name?

God is drink alcohol either doesn't smoke weed either jeez

House radio you're on there

Hey, how you doing bastard good good man ready to fucking fuck some shit up tonight

Let's do a Johnny Squirrel Nuts, please.

Milkman says to a Johnny Squirrel Nuts, please.

Understand?

Johnny fucking Squirrel Nuts.

If you're going to do it, it better be funny, man.

I don't know.

What are you going to give me?

It depends on the color.

All right, well, I'm going to read some shit out to you.

We've got the Faded Rose.

What?

The Faded Rose.

We've got Tough Guy Bowling Lane.

Let's see.

We've got the Playboy Billiards.

We've got a Hooters.

We've got a Casino.

That's about the half of it.

You have a bar?

A bar.

We got a liquor store we call the Huster Casino.

I got, in Harlem, I've got the Paris Blues Bar.

A Latina woman answered there.

Wicked.

Screaming Me will now prank call, and we will all enjoy it.

Put your hands together for Screaming Me and the Screaming Me Band, everybody.

Ah, no, no, no.

Hi, how are you?

That's good.

I was wondering if I could make a reservation.

Excuse me?

May I make a reservation? I have ten of my buddies that are going to come down, and we're going to have like a little birthday party.

I'm thinking about a week from today, like on a Friday.

It's a Friday?

Yeah, it's going to be a little special, though. Do you have a freezer? Because we have a cake that we need frozen. It's for my buddies.

Hello, sorry, sorry, sorry. Pardon. Give me one minute. I'm going to put in the right person so they can explain to you.

I'm sorry. My English is pretty bad. I apologize.

Oh, no, no. Your English is perfect.

okay okay hurry up this is going well yeah I was wondering if I can make a

reservation how do you spare today so that'd be Friday okay now exactly what

what you you you you made in which what you lean on you got the right place this

is a bar yes I would love before I've been in there before and I love your

venue have is what we we're gonna need a freezer because the cake is um a little good yeah we had

that we had that here on a few occasions yeah you're not gonna get all weird on that because

like talking to the right person right now would you like to join the party because we're looking

for you know yeah what date you want now well a week a week from friday and i'm a sir actually

Actually, ma'am, I apologize for my voice, but I'm a sir.

The date is, uh, what's the date?

Well, okay, the 22nd of March, 23rd of March now, right?

Yes.

So I'm looking at about the 30th.

The 30th of, uh, March.

Yeah, it's going to be Friday.

Let me get a calendar, and I'll make a notation right now.

Yeah, you do whatever you have to do.

Yeah, I need to get myself, you know, know I, you know, make sure I keep it on my mind, you know.

Absolutely, I appreciate it.

I got a calendar right here.

Hold on, hold on.

I appreciate it.

And what about gin, man?

And Lonesome Loser, because he's the man.

Don't forget gin.

All righty.

Okay, I'm looking at the calendar.

All righty.

Okay, so I'm thinking about the 30th of March.

It's Friday.

That's on a Friday.

Okay, I got it.

Yeah, now is there a cost involved?

Because I'm going to need to reserve, like, a table for, like, 10.

Is there, like, a cover?

There's a, no, there's no cover.

Yeah.

When we do it here, the lounge area, I have a lounge area that's divided from the main part of the bar.

So it's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, it's the lounge area seats 18 people.

You're very good at counting, sir.

That'll be perfect for your party.

Now, what do you have on the menu? Because I'm looking for a little bit of, you know, a McCork.

I would like maybe some Perignon for champagne and maybe a good red.

I'm just making a notation.

You make all the notations you need, honey.

Okay, between now and then, you stop into the bar, right?

Yeah.

Between now and then you stop in, and the manager's name is Susie.

Susie Q? Susie, I love you. Yeah.

Okay, that makes sense. So you stop in, and talk to Sue, and she'll set all this up for you.

Okay, so how many does that hold then? How many does the lounge hold?

The lounge itself holds 80 people. The whole area is 80 people.

Okay, now, what kind of patrons do you have there?

Because, like, we're a little bit of a different group.

We're kind of flamboyant, if you will, you know?

I mean, is that acceptable?

Regular, regular, regular people here, matter of fact.

Like, I'm not going to lie to you, sir.

I'm a fan.

I'm not even going to lie.

That doesn't bother nobody.

You know, we're old people.

In a business, you live with old people.

I've been bashed in the past.

I've been called, like, cocksucker.

I know, DJ.

Some people got a problem with other people.

or everybody to their own, you know, like, or I believe in freedom of whatever anybody want to do.

Politics, church, religion, wish, love, whatever anybody do, that's their business.

So you come in and talk to Sue. Her name is Sue Kelly.

Fuck politics and church. You sound pretty hot, though. Are you single?

And if you say it like that, everybody to their own, you know what I mean?

Yeah, I will.

Everybody to their own. To your own, whatever you want.

To their own.

But hey, you're sounding pretty sexy, though. Are you to your own, too?

Maybe I can get with you that night, you know?

We can hook something up, you know?

I'll give you a little rim job or a little underneath the seat there, you know?

I'm down with just about everything.

So just come on in and talk to me.

Maybe get a little discount there on the hang low, you know what I'm talking about?

Ain't no problem.

Just come on in and talk to Sue.

Yeah, what do you look like?

You'll get all the facts right down.

While you're there, you make sure.

But we don't charge nobody for coming in because they're bringing their business in.

So we don't have to worry about that.

We'll just come in and talk to Sue Kelly, okay?

What's your name, sir?

Sam.

Yeah, Sam.

What's your name?

Sam.

What's your name, Sam?

Sam, you sounded pretty sexy there.

What do you look like?

Yeah, that's what they tell me.

Oh, they tell me that all the time.

What do you look like?

Sam.

Sam, you're pretty hard to get.

What do you look like, Sam?

I look good.

Okay, so you come on in now and talk to me.

Like what?

All right.

How much is it?

How much?

What do you have on the menu, though, like for real?

I mean, like, you kind of grab...

Come in and talk to Sue and look at the menu.

Well, I'm actually...

I'm shopping, though.

I'm just calling around to try to get a good sense of the menu and a good sense of the wine list.

Come in here and look at the place and let her tell you what we got and then you go from there.

Okay?

I'm on a little bit of a time budget, sir.

She'll be here from 10 till 7.

Do you have a big cock?

How big is your cock, sir?

I got good everything, okay?

Milky socks.

That's, uh...

How was that?

That's rich.

Was that at least decent?

Yes, it was.

It was very good.

A bit long, but it was...

It was a show.

No, it was a bit long.

Yeah, yeah, you know.

Enter your destination number now.

Hang on.

Another one.

Hang on, brother.

I'll give you another one.

This is coming at you quick, so react.

I love you.

Yeah, man, this is Hooters.

We got to change phone cards.

Hang on, okay, brother?

I'll go anywhere.

Yeah, yeah, do your thing.

Do your thing.

Please.

Thanks for calling Hooters of Anaheim. This is Andy. How can I help you?

Hello, what kind of, how big is your bar?

How big is the bar?

Yeah, like, I mean, I understand you got, you serve alcohol there, right?

Yeah, we just started serving a little bit of hard alcohol.

Okay, what beers you got there?

Do a what?

We have a party for about 25 people there. Do you got enough seats?

Do you have enough beer?

Do you have enough beer and do you have enough seats to hold 25 people?

Yeah.

Yeah, you sure? Cause like, I've been to a couple places and they say they can deliver, but I mean, when we have elbows and shit, there's fucking bar stools on top of people and everything.

Um, when are you looking to come in?

Oh, in about an hour and a half.

Yeah, we'll be fine.

Yeah, okay. So, what kind of wine is it you got there? Cause, uh, how do you think under five bucks?

Hello?

Do we fit people?

Yeah, we can fit 25 people.

Okay, so what kind of food do you have on the menu?

Because we got, uh, we can bring our own food.

What is this?

We got, uh, we got lots of, uh, whale blubber, and we got lots of...

Yeah, what?

One second? Can you hold for one second?

I'm actually on my set a minute.

Okay.

So I need to make this kind of quick, so, uh, 25 people.

Now, do you have a thing against natives?

Because we're pretty hardcore.

We're going to pretty much...

All right.

No?

Hold on one second.

Sir?

He said, I got you on hold there, buddy.

You're well done screaming me.

We are on hold.

Go, go.

I would like to announce that we finally made it on TalkShoe.com.

I would like to say hello to everybody listening to us for the first time

on the Madhouse Radio Network on TalkShoe.com.

That's right.

There we go.

And I think she's not coming back, man.

These Hooters girls are finicky.

I'm going to let you go.

Thank you for calling in, screaming you.

I'm back.

All right, man, if you could try.

Report.

Okay.

Yeah, report.

report. I'm here. Is that your name?

Report. Jin, when are you going to call in, you

crazy, crazy bastard?

I'm going to call in this minute.

One moment. One moment.

Beautiful.

Call in, Jin, man. Do some pranks.

Share with us. Be with us here

at our last supper tonight, which

we hold in memory for. We're lagging here somewhere.

I know. Yes.

We're lagging? You can't hear me? I can

hear you. You're coming in just fine, my

friend. Alright, let's get out. I'm ringing in.

Shut up.

Jen's calling in, everybody.

JenStewart.com.

Is this him already?

All right, I don't know.

We're about to find out.

For a change.

Watching smiles on a fine place.

Man, how's the radio?

You're on the air.

Stewart.

You're coming in as a 972 area code.

That's scary.

I wonder where that is.

I'm not even spoofing, you know.

It's international.

I'm on my landline.

Yeah.

Hang on.

I'm going to take a sip of my drink.

You say something funny.

Waza waza.

That'll do it.

So you don't like Jen?

You don't drink at all.

Man, what is with you, man?

It's not good for you, man.

Do you pray?

Do you go to church every week?

I don't go to church every week.

I haven't been to church in a while, but I am a Catholic Christian.

You're Catholic?

Yes.

Hey, me too, brother, man.

Were you an altar boy?

No.

Oh, I was.

I'm more Catholic than you are.

That's unfortunate.

No, that doesn't mean shit.

I've got more Catholic points.

My mom is really Catholic.

I mean, really Catholic.

Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

I'm Catholic, too.

My father's a Protestant, though.

So that's a very strong thing.

Hey, don't you guys fight over there, Protestants and Catholics?

No, they're divorced, but I don't know if they fought about it while they were married.

Isn't it Ireland? Don't they, like, blow each other up and stuff?

And I heard that they took this baby, and they put a bomb in the baby's diaper, and it blew up.

You know, that could be true.

Yeah.

But that would probably count for the Muslim group more than the Christian group.

Yeah.

So, okay, so the Protestants and Catholics don't fight anymore in that whole Northern Ireland dumb stuff, the NRA stuff?

Ah, the IRA. You know, I have nothing, I have no idea. I'm not affiliated with them in any way.

Oh, I know you're not.

I don't hear news about it.

It's, you know, it's really interesting to get to know you, because so far we know you don't do, you have no vices. There's gotta be something.

I have no what, sorry?

You have no vices. You don't, you don't smoke cigarettes either, I bet.

Uh, no, I don't.

You don't smoke cigarettes.

Nope.

No drugs.

Nope.

No. Alright, well there's gotta be something. You into porn?

Um, yes, of course, yes.

Oh, okay, well there you go. You're a pervert.

Yes, but I like, I like lesbian porn.

You're a dirty pervert, sir.

Yes, I am.

You're a dirty...

I'm sorry that I have a dirty pervert, and I'm very unhappy about that.

Yeah?

Well, it's good to have a fellow pervert on the line, man.

No problem.

Yes, thank you.

Excellent.

Super wonderful.

Wunderbar.

Wunderbar, yeah.

Oh, man, there was this great German bar down here called Wunderbar.

Wunderbar.

And they had the most awesome German food and German beer.

Yeah?

They closed it down, and they opened some stupid Jamaican crap.

Oh.

I mean, these Jamaicans.

Well, I guess that's good for you.

I mean, if you're into all the smoking pot and everything.

No.

Fuck that.

I like drinking beer in public.

Okay, let's call them up and let's...

Yeah, I know, I know.

Do you want to call a casino?

Or do you want to call a Hooters bar?

No, I don't want to call a Hooters.

It's boring.

Okay.

Do you want to call the Hustler Casino?

Do you know what you've got?

We've got the Hustler Casino.

We've got a taxidermist in Alaska.

Taxidermist is the guy who stuffs animals, right?

They stuff dead animals.

Yes, sir.

All right, let's...

Ooh, we've got Massage in Alaska.

let's try the casino

the casino

the hustler casino

there you go

I have a question for you

from

I'll ask quickly

because I've got no idea

what's going on

there's a listener here

with a question

he asks

he watches German porn

in Hungary

and they like

looking assholes

ask you

is that part of

the whole German thing

looking assholes

is that true

not as far as I know

I mean

I haven't

I have never dated

a German girl

which is quite ironic

I tend to only date women

in the region of Scandinavia

But as far as I know, the whole shit thing is coming from Japan and more in the east.

So you like those blonde girls, huh?

Yeah, sure.

You have blue eyes.

I like them short, you know.

I like them with teeth.

Yeah, you like them to have like a nice structured jaw?

Uh-huh.

That's what I like, too.

I like jawline.

The first thing I look at a woman is her jawline.

The first thing I look at is her teeth.

You know, she's got to be at least, you know, three or four inches shorter than me.

Really?

No way.

You let the whole, I want to be on top, you know, you look up at me, you know, she's got to look, she's got to look up.

I like that, too.

I don't like the fucking, you know, these fucking giants.

It's weird.

Yeah, I've never had a girlfriend or a woman been involved with as tall as me.

I don't want that.

It's weird.

It's not good, but I know that there are people.

But just imagine walking down the street hand in hand with a woman who's twice your size.

It's just fucking, somebody would think it's your mother, you know.

So, wait a minute.

How tall are you?

Are you six foot something?

No, I'm 5'10".

You're 5'10".

All right.

Yeah.

And you go with a girl like, what, 5'3"?

Well, yeah, a little bit taller.

5'4", 5'6".

But still, you've got dominance right there.

You're showing your dominance right there.

Well, that's good, man.

That's very good.

Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't say no.

Yeah, okay.

Good.

Well, hey, Jin, I'm sorry to put you in the spot.

That's very disrespectful of me.

That's okay, man.

You know what it's like.

This is how I do.

I ask stupid questions, but we all get together and do this.

All right, the Hustler Casino.

Jin Stewart, the Hustler Casino, Madhouse Radio, madhousehub.com.

Any requests? You want me to do something American, Aussie?

Milkman, any requests?

Milkman?

No requests from Milkman. He's being nasty.

Can you hear me?

Yeah, I can hear you, Milkman. What do you say?

Yeah, man, have him do a...

Who are you calling?

We're calling a casino.

Have him do the drone.

The drone?

Oh, yeah, yeah, right.

Whatever. You know what to do, Jim.

You know what to do.

I'll do the drone.

Just for Milkman.

All right, hang on. Hang on, folks.

Okay.

Drone, man, because I like...

Thank you for calling the Mr. Casino.

Hi, I need to speak to a manager of some kind regarding the cheating of the game, you know, like I was playing the game and this guy, he was cheating, I know he was cheating, alright, so you put me through to the manager and I want to discuss it with him, okay?

Well, there's a manager available right now.

Hey, I don't care, you get the manager on the phone, I'm unhappy with the service and if you don't, you don't get him, I'm going to walk in and I'm going to get him.

If you were unhappy, why didn't you speak with the manager at that point in time?

Because I didn't know he was cheating until after I was too stoned.

I was off my mind, you know.

I was rocking back and forth.

Okay, and are you stoned now, sir?

No, I'm not stoned.

I'm fine.

You know, I can count one, two, three and shit, right?

I'm fine, you know.

I just want to speak to the manager, and I want to talk to him and, like, you know, discuss the cheating because it's not right.

Okay, well, there's nobody available for that right now.

And hold on.

I don't think it's fair how people can cheat and get rich.

But I don't want to hear the problem because I don't gamble,

and there's no manager available right now.

You can probably come in tomorrow.

So what do you want me to do?

You just want me to sit here and just, you know, I lost money, bitch.

I want to speak to the manager.

Well, let me tell you something.

You're being nasty to me.

This bitch right here, this bitch right here really ain't going to help you.

Because I'm being a bitch

My first name is bitch

My middle name is bitchy

You lost your money

You're not going to speak to the manager

I spoke to bitch bitchy

And she was a bitch

That's what I'm going to say to the manager

And I'm that bitch

I'm that bitch

So that bitch bitchy

She was nasty to me on the phone

Now you get him and I'll speak to that guy

There's no one available for you sir

You're lying to me

I know you're lying

Alright, alright. I smell it in your fucking breath. I smell the bullshit over here.

You smell it?

Alright.

What kind of fragrance I smell like?

Bullshit, that's what you smell like.

Bullshit doesn't have a smell, sir.

Well, how do you know that? You stick your head under a cow?

Did you stick your head under a cow?

No, I'm asking you a question, bitch. What do you do?

I'm asking you a question, bitch.

And I asked first, so you know I think you asked first.

That's okay, bitch.

Hey, you got nothing better to do?

You have nothing better to do but call me a bitch.

I complain.

I got to complain.

Now you put the manager on the phone.

I don't see how he give you a job and you just sitting there, you know, talking shit.

I don't see that you're not, you're a man and you're an adult and you're disrespectful.

I'm pretty sure you don't talk to your mother like that.

I'm sorry.

Maybe we can go hand in hand down the beach and have some sex and I'll make up for it.

I don't have sex with people I don't know.

But, hey, in my country we do that, you know, in my state, you know.

I don't have sex with people that I don't know.

There's AIDS out there, there's STDs.

Well, if you don't need to have sex per se, we could just, you know, do some spanking.

I don't know if you're into that.

No, I'm not.

Not at all.

All right, well, what do you want to do?

The only thing I'd like to do is go shopping and spend your money.

I want to make it up to you, baby.

I want to make it up to you.

I want to make, maybe we can smoke some pot.

I don't smoke.

All right, so we don't smoke pot, we don't have sex.

I just want your PIN code to your bank account.

All right, my pin code is 1234.

Okay.

You bring your ID in.

Right.

Well, when you go sober up, then you call back, and maybe I'll transfer you to someone.

All right, I'm going to do that.

Otherwise, I'm going to transfer you to security.

All right, you do that.

Transfer me to security, baby.

And all you're going to do is be banned from the casino, sir.

All right, just transfer me, all right?

Nope.

I will not.

Why not?

You said, hey.

Why not?

You said a minute ago, you said, hey.

Because I'm not going to.

They don't want to go through this.

That's why we're here, to nip all the bullshit in the beginning.

Hey, well, come on.

I'm not.

I just want to make a complaint.

You're just being nasty.

There's no complaint to be made.

I don't know why you're being nasty.

I'm not being nasty at all.

You call me a bitch.

I'm not being nasty.

Hey, that's after you was getting all nasty with me.

I never got nasty one time.

Listen, I'm sorry, okay?

I just need to speak to security.

You put me through.

There's nobody that you can speak to, because if you thought that you were getting cheated,

it you should have handled that when you were sitting at the table there's nothing that they

can do now he had cards under the table i i know i know and i was stoned but i know he had cards

under the table i well then you should have deal with that then sir i was too stoned baby that's

what i'm saying i was okay well then if you were stoned then you don't know the truth so call back

later okay all right all right look can you put me through the security or what no i'm not going to

You're nasty, you know that?

But I love you, okay?

Okay.

All right.

Good night.

All right.

Please enter your desk.

That was great.

I was hoping for the security.

I could have changed my accent suddenly.

I know.

My name is Marvin.

Marvin.

Hey, I got a restaurant called Los Dos Amigos.

What?

Amigos?

Los Dos Amigos.

It's in Compton, California.

You ever heard of Compton, California?

I've heard of Compton, yes.

Straight out of Compton?

Right, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do I have that song, Straight Outta Compton?

I gotta play that.

Do you have some accent?

I don't know.

Whatever you want to do, man.

I want to do another Kensington, because I haven't done a Kensington course in a while.

Good, man.

Whatever you want to do, man.

All right.

Hang on, folks.

Here we go.

Hey, I have him say seven, seven, seven.

He wants you to do the whole seven, seven, seven, seven thing.

Yes, all right, all right, all right.

All right, hang on.

Do you want my number?

You can pass it on to somebody.

Bueno.

No, no, no. Madam, listen. Do you speak English?

Okay, it's not.

Give me an English number. I want to do the seventh thing. That would be great for these new listeners.

Hang on. Can I call the Karachi Tandoori?

I don't know what that is.

It's a Pakistani restaurant in America.

Please enter your destination number now.

You have 11 hours, 15 minutes, 41 seconds before applicable service fee.

All right. This is in Torrance, California.

Hello, Mr. Crunchy Restaurant?

Assalam-u-Alaikum, my friend. I have my friend here. Hold on.

Ah, yes, we have him. Hello.

Hello.

Hello, yes, of course. Hello.

Yes, I'm looking for my friend, Mr. Hancock. Is he around?

What did you say?

Mr. Hancock is my friend. Is he around?

Hancock?

Yes, sir. I mean, if he's not, you can take a message for me.

Who?

Mr. Hancock. My name is Stuart. Jim Stuart.

Okay.

Yes. Now, if you could write down my telephone number, sir. Do you have a pen ready?

Okay.

Yes, my number is 77777777777777777777777777777777.

seven okay who are you who are you didn't do it is my name did you get that thumb

buster oh yeah yes would you read it back to me then please who are you my name is Stephen Stewart

I am the Duke of Earl. I was looking for my friend Mr. Hancock. Apparently he's not around.

So you can take message for me and you can tell him last night was absolutely splendid,

wonderful, marvelous. The next time I'll put it up his ass. Okay?

Okay.

Yes, you would tell him that with my number. He's cool.

Okay, you have a very marvelous day, sir.

Okay.

Aloha to you, my friend. Okay?

Okay, thank you.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Goodbye.

Okay.

You going to hang up or not?

Yeah, boy.

Yeah, that was alright. That was alright. I like that.

I don't think he was going to hang up for a second there.

He was like, okay. I must have said seven about a dozen times and he didn't do anything.

He's back. He sounded like he was burnt.

How stupid is that? You got any more?

Hold on. Hold on. I've got...

I like that. Okay.

Oh, you're gonna call Deanna now?

He's still there. He hung up again.

He came back. He's so dumb he can't figure out how to hang up the phone.

Do you want to call that taxidermist?

You got requested, pranks, and down under numbers.

Down under?

I'll do an Aussie this time because I like Australia.

Oh, that's right.

We do have a new phone card.

Thank you very much, Milkman.

Very good.

Right, right.

Very good.

Okay, we're waiting for the woman to come back.

Who do you want to call in Australia?

I got the Stanley Cool.

No, no, no.

I want the taxidermist.

I'm going to be the Australian.

I'm going to be the Aussie.

I understand.

I'm going to tell him some stuff, all right?

Can we do it?

Yes, we can.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm very slow, but I got it now.

Okay, that's all right.

The woman is not coming back, so I'm going to have to get her back on.

Hang on, folks.

We're right back with the next parent call in one moment.

Hello?

G'day, Sheila. Is that the taxidermist?

I'm sorry?

Hello, is that the taxidermist?

Yes, it is.

You guys stuff animals, right?

Yes.

All right, listen, I've got my daughter.

She's going crazy, and she wants a koala.

She wants a stuffed koala.

So I don't really want to, you know, go and buy one

because it's probably going to cost more.

So, like, I was hoping if I could send you a dead koala,

Maybe you could stop it here. Let me have you talk to my husband. Hold on one

All right, okay, oh boy squeaky. Hello. Hello, sir. Hello. Hey mate. How are you? Right?

My name is Jen Stewart. I've got I've got a bit of a request

It might seem a bit weird, but I've got a dead koala bear. I'd like to send this to you

I'd like you to stop it. I'd like to put it back in the post and send it back to me

Is that alright? See over here, it's not legal to do that. I'm in Sydney, Australia, and it's illegal over here

So but I thought perhaps you know if I send it to somebody else

maybe they could do it. How do you feel about that?

Oh, I have to check on the rules on that.

Well, I don't really know the laws over there, but I thought, you know, since it's America,

you know, you allow a lot of stuff. I mean, you've got Bush running the country.

I sort of figured I could just send you the koala bear and you could just stuff it for me.

I'm not sure how the import and outport permits are going to go.

I don't think anybody would care if I sent a dead animal on the post.

I mean, I could send it, like, the next day or something,

then you could just, I don't know, fill it up and just send it back.

I'll send you a cheque for five grand if you want.

How much do you think it's going to cost?

No, it's a great thing to think of.

I think it's just a legal deal.

Right.

Well, I don't...

Listen, money's not an issue for me,

but the problem is over here in Australia, they all love koala bears,

so, you know, the problem I've got is that they don't, you know,

they don't want to do it, and it's difficult for me

because my daughter, she's going crazy.

She's all, Daddy, Daddy, I want the koala bear.

Get me the koala bear, and I'm, you know,

I'm a bit, you know, pissed off, to be honest.

I just want to get it done, over and done with, you know what I mean?

Yeah, I'd have to check with Fish and Wildlife to get this done.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Do you want my number?

You can write this down and you can give me a call back.

Yeah, exactly.

Once I check with Fish and Wildlife to make sure, you know, all the...

All right, you got a pen, mate?

Yeah, let me just get that.

All right.

Okay, what's the number?

All right, my number's 77 for Australia,

and the rest of it is 777-777-777-777-777-777.

Seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, all right?

Ah, no, I didn't quite get that one.

All right, so it's seven, seven for Australia.

Sorry, something wrong with my voice there.

I'm quivering, I'm sorry about that.

I get the chills sometimes, you know, it just rolls off my back and then I've got a little bit weird.

But don't worry about it.

I feel much better.

Okay, so the number's seven, seven for Australia.

Are you there, sir?

Yeah.

All right, and the rest of it is seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, all right?

And how'd you hear of us?

Well, actually, sir, I was just looking at taxidermists on the web,

and, you know, I found you, and then I thought maybe I'd give you a bell, you know?

And, uh, since you're, uh...

What do you feel about stuffing an elephant?

Do you think you'd stuff an elephant instead of a koala bear if you can't do the koala?

Well, how about a gorilla?

Maybe, like, one of those rare gorillas, you know,

you find them in the African jungle sometimes, sir?

Yeah. All right.

We don't want you to do that anymore. All right.

All right, mate. You're a sick fuck, by the way, all right?

Stuffing animals is nasty, okay?

Wildlife, you know, I'm... Hello?

He hung up, didn't he?

Uh, he's gone.

He's gone, man.

Aw, that was awesome, man.

Yeah, it was.

I think he's going to do it, actually.

He's all for it, man.

All right, hang on.

Let me get a number here.

I'm going to call the Hooters.

Hang on.

I'm going to start off with Jack Masterson here.

Uh, I'll let you know.

Uh, I don't know.

I don't know about this one here.

Let's see how it goes.

Susan, but Frank, it's Amber. How may I help you?

Hey, Amber? Is this Amber?

Hello?

Is this Amber?

Hello?

Excuse me?

Hello?

I can barely hear you to speak up.

Is this Amber?

Yeah.

Yeah?

What's up?

Wait, hold on. I can barely hear you.

You don't remember me? I came in last week.

Wait, what'd you say?

You don't remember me? I came in last week.

Wait, hold on.

Fuck it. I ran out of lettuce.

Hello?

What'd you say?

Oh, you don't remember me? I came in last week.

I have no idea.

I was wondering if I could get you again.

Like, I think we had this thing.

She's not going for it.

Poor Jack Masterson does not score again.

He never gets any gin and sat.

You know who Jack Masterson is, eh?

I've never had a gin and sat.

Yeah, that's right.

What is it?

You want to call the Red Ass Cafe?

A bar?

A cafe.

This is the Red Ass. Yes, speaking.

How dare you say something of that nature to me, sir?

I demand to speak with your Prime Minister.

I beg your pardon?

May I speak with your prime minister, please?

Uh, honestly, the prime minister is staking here.

You're the prime minister in charge?

I am, aye.

And what's the nature of this word, ass?

Uh...

Do you know what that means here in America?

I don't.

Well, look, I'm on vacation here, and I'm an American.

As far as I understand, my rules apply.

And I don't appreciate my daughter being told that she needs to go to the red ass.

Do you know what kind of disgusting thing that means, where I'm from?

You don't mess with my sister, man.

Well, where you're from needs to lighten up a bit.

And maybe where you're from, people need to just sort of...

Hey, you don't talk to this family like that, you know?

You understand what I'm saying?

Yeah, where you're from, you guys need to learn to...

No, I'm calling back.

You're upside down.

23 minutes, 42 seconds before applicable service.

What the hell is that?

Was that Barry Gibbs?

Try to speak up a bit, Chin.

Hello, the red-ass Gibbs speaking.

You hung up the phone on me and my father.

You don't do that, okay?

Only we hang up the phone.

No.

Son of a gun.

We're going to call a motel in Australia.

How do we?

You have seven hours, 22 minutes, eight seconds before a click.

That's funny.

You have five hours, nigga.

Oh, drunk. I feel like you could start.

Good afternoon, Lindy Lush Mattel. This is Lee. Hello?

Hello? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it. I'm so, so sorry, okay?

Tell her I didn't mean to do it, okay? I am sorry.

I was drunk, and I was mad, and I am sorry, okay?

You understand me, sir? I am sorry.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it. I will never do it again. I'm so sorry.

Okay.

Sir, I was in the motel yesterday and I think I gave her a boo-boo.

I didn't mean to do it, sir. I'm so sorry. I think she has a boo-boo on her arm.

I hit her with a padded bat. I'm sorry, sir. I didn't mean to do it.

Please forgive me. You tell her I'm sorry. Okay, you tell her I didn't mean to do it, okay?

Okay, I'll tell her that.

Also, I drew a picture on the wall. I drew a picture of a penis on the wall, and I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry, I didn't do it. I didn't-

We're on hold now.

Pfft.

Alright, we're-

What is this fucking music?

I don't know.

Sounds like you're playing some Nintendo or something.

I guess, we'll wait about, we'll wait 10 seconds here, 10 man house seconds, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, alright, the next number will be, okay, I thought you picked up, we're gonna call the, uh, the Gurney Lodge, ooh, look, hey, here we go, Stanley Cool Stores, this is a storage place, I don't know, it says Stanley Cool Stores, Stanley Cool Stores, hang on, let's try that here, okay, here we are,

You take this one, man. I'm on vacation.

Stanley Cordova?

Hello there. Can you understand me, sir?

Right, hello.

Yes, hello.

Oh, you're in Australia.

Listen, pal, I've got a wee problem.

I was in your store and I purchased a wee marmalade, OK?

And the marmalade was bad. Do you understand?

I think you've got the wrong number.

No, no, I've got the right number.

You're at Wheat Store, right?

Pardon?

You're at Wheat Store on the corner.

So what was the problem?

I bought a wee marmalade, a wee marmalade, you know what marmalade is?

Yeah

Right, and I was going to put it on my haggis, right, but it didn't taste very good

So the marmalade was off, right, it was bad

Okay

Right, okay, so I want a replacement

Okay, I think you've got the wrong number

No mate, I've got the right number, okay

Have you?

You know, I screwed up on the accent, so I'm really sorry about that.

But anyway, how are you?

You're good.

You're good, sir. Are you still there?

Stop toying with me. I'm not a puppet.

Hello. Sir, my good friend.

My name is Marty.

The bastard was there, the bastard.

No, I screwed up on the accent because you started talking Australian,

and then I started talking Australian with the Scottish, and it didn't work.

All right, I'm going to take this one here.

This is the Handorf Old Mill.

Get some cider.

Handorf Old Mill, good afternoon.

Hey, this is Sandy.

Hey, what's up, hooker? How you doing, baby?

I'm good, how are you?

I'm good, I'm good.

Madam, I was wondering out of the mill,

how much is it to rent out some spaces there?

For when would you like to come?

As soon as possible. I'm in for the next three days.

We're fully booked out tomorrow night.

We can accommodate you tonight.

A double spa chalet for two people is $120.

Wonderful. How much?

$120.

What's that in American?

Absolutely no idea.

Oh, we'll find out. You got a calculator there?

Yes.

Alright, get it out. I'll let you know what to do. You ready?

Okay.

First thing you need to do is press the on button.

Let me know when you have that done.

It's on.

Okay, now I need you to type in 69.

Alright, now read off to me what's on the screen.

Uh, I think you're having a joke with me, are you?

No, I just wanted you to read off to me what's on the screen.

No, I don't think so.

Come on.

Are you making a reservation with us for this evening?

Most definitely with you.

Okay, thank you.

Bye.

Wow, that was very sick.

Oh, that's very lowbrow.

Hey, you call and apologize for me, okay?

All right, all right.

What was that name?

Uh, I don't know.

I think it was...

All circuits are busy.

Aw, I think it was Tony.

Message 100.

Please enter your destination number now.

Here we go.

Hi, Dr. Fulmule.

Good afternoon.

This is Sandy.

Hi there, ma'am.

I believe you spoke to my brother a minute ago,

and I think he was able to move to you.

Hello?

Yes, how can I help you?

I just wanted to say I've got to apologize for him.

and he's a little bit slow sometimes, okay?

Fuck!

That's fine.

You guys have a great afternoon.

Can I ask you, you sound like somebody who's, you know, really nice.

Are you really nice?

I am really nice.

Fuck!

My mom, she's from Australia, so I can't really say she's nice,

but she's pretty, okay?

And I think all Australian women are pretty.

So I just wonder, you know, maybe we could get together sometime?

Absolutely not.

I want to smell your panties, man.

Hey, why have you got to do this every time, bro?

I've got to, you know, try and get to know the girl.

I got you.

Hey, brother, I've got you on to wear my hair around now.

Hey, look, hey, man, why you got to do this every time?

Every time he does this, man.

Sandy, I'm sorry, okay?

He doesn't mean it.

He's just a big spell, okay?

So maybe me and you, we could get together.

Sandy?

Hello?

Yeah.

Right, okay, so how do you feel about that?

Just me and you.

We'll forget about my brother.

Smell your panties!

He's on the line, but he's a bit slow.

Smell your panties!

Ma'am, you won't regret it, I promise.

I'm... I'm a nice guy.

Do you have periods?

Hey, hey, shut up, man, before I come down there and kick your ass, okay?

That was so retarded and stupid.

That was so middle school of me to do.

He took your panties!

We were gonna drag her into the cave or something.

I was thinking of, uh, you know, coming up with some shit about, uh...

Hang on, I'm calling England now.

I said pound, bitch.

Do the roof game.

Oh, my God.

We'll tell you what.

We're going to have to redial it, but I've got the Castle Hotel.

I've got the Fortress Travel Lodge or the Mr. Bumble.

Mr. Bumble in the UK.

In the UK.

Mr. Bumble.

Right.

What's that about?

What's bumble mean?

Does that mean like a bum?

I've got no idea, but as long as we're calling something.

Ask him if he fancies a bumble.

I will get to that.

We'll get to that at some point.

Hang on, everybody.

The next prank call is coming right up.

All right.

Alright, so no Mr. Bumble, but I've got the Castle Hotel.

Alright.

Good morning, MacDonald Castle Hotel. Winter, how may I help you?

Good morning there, sir. I was wondering if you could give me a room with a view.

For when, sir?

For immediately, if that's possible, sir.

Unfortunately, we fully booked last night, sir.

Well, how about tomorrow, then, sir?

I need a room with a view, a room with a view of beautiful women, if you can do that, sir.

Okay, let's find out whether we've got any available.

Any beautiful women or any rooms, sir?

Well, we've got no beautiful women.

No beautiful women, sir.

Well, you see, I have a bit of a problem because I need to stay in some sort of room because I have my camera with me and I will need to be taking pictures of some sort of women.

So, I mean, if it's something that's remotely connected to a woman, that would be fantastic.

What if I sat on the roof of the hotel this evening and could take some pictures of the women walking around below?

Unfortunately, I don't have any front-facing rooms available for the weekend.

Well, could I sit on the roof then, sir? I could camp on the roof.

No, you can't sit on the roof, unfortunately.

Why can I not sit on the roof, sir?

Because it would be very unsafe.

Well, of course it's going to be unsafe, are you silly, sir?

I have my static equipment.

I could just simply strap myself to the roof and I could take my camera with me

and I could, you know, take pictures of the women walking around below.

It has a multi-zoom function, sir.

I have 600 times zoom.

I don't think that would be very wise, sir.

Why not, sir?

Well, because it's very...

You might actually get arrested for doing stuff like that.

I don't think so, sir.

I've done it many times before.

I've not been arrested so far.

I mean, especially politics days are, you know, I'm not going to get to that.

They're always the rest of the wrong people anyway.

You know, you hear about the shooting of the wrong guy, and, you know, they think he's a terrorist and all that.

I don't think, and I would like, and he's breathing, sir.

I think we lost.

I think we lost it, too, but that could have been good.

All right, we're going to go back to the computer.

I got into the show.

It's time.

All right, buddy.

Thanks for coming in.

Hey, Jen, yeah.

Small thing.

All right, Jen Stewart.

All right.

Yeah.

Jen Stewart.

Thank you.

And, again, that's jinstewart.com.

What, man?

Freaking hell.

Right, jinstewart.com.

Dot cam.

We're out of here.

No more calls.

Milkman, shut the phones off, please.

Yeah, fine.

Ring anyone again?

All right.

We have a strict rule around here, ladies and gentlemen.

Despite how good you are, you can only call in once a show.

Once a show.

We have to keep the lines open.

That's right down on me.

You can call into my show on Sunday.

Yeah.

Call in.

That's right.

All right, Jen Stewart will be on Sunday night at 1 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

Sunday lunch.

1 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

Sunday lunch.

Sunday lunch with Jen Stewart.

Excellent show.

At 1 p.m.

My favorite show on PC.

So be sure to listen to it.

Right here on PC.

You boop.

And I failed to mention we finally made it on TalkShoe.com for the very first time.

I would like to say welcome and thank you, all of you.

We have a pretty healthy number.

I'll tell you what, for being extremely late, we have one, two, three, four, five, six listeners on talk show right now.

So that's awesome.

Great.

I expect that listenership to grow.

How many is that total for the night?

We peaked at 41.

That would be 47 total listeners.

Not that good, but we've had worse.

worse you know we're doing we're keeping in there we're hanging in we're hanging strong as strong as

as as possible and i would like to thank you all for joining us like i said visit us on

matt at madhouse live.com that's our podcast location madhouse live.com and uh what else

can i say man we did a great show out the new revamped madhouse live.com page right all the

The goodies right on the front, man.

You can't miss it, man.

Check out our old episodes.

The archives, the podcasts, the live streams.

Request a prank.

The store.

The store is there.

Get yourself a Madhouse shirt.

Madhouse hat.

Make a donation to us.

Get your Milkman mug.

Milkman mug.

That's right.

We got to get the Milkman mug going there.

Hell yeah.

We'll get the Jen Stewart, I don't know, the Jen Stewart t-shirt.

We'll do something for Jen.

But there we are.

All right, Jen.

Jen, thanks for being on tonight, Jen.

It was great having you on, man.

Hey, man.

Anytime, you know it.

Milkman, thank you for being on also.

Oh, man.

We did a great show tonight, Milkman.

Thank you for being on also, man.

Couldn't do it without you.

Hell yeah, man.

And I want to thank your friend.

Who was it now that got the phone card?

Who was that?

Was that the guy who called in?

Creamy.

Thanks, man.

Creamy.

Appreciate it.

He kept us going.

Lonesome Loser.

Creamy to the rescue.

Lonesome Loser, thank you very much for your submissions and numbers.

Everyone in the chat room, everyone who listened in all four networks tonight,

we had a great night, and that's it.

We'll be here.

And we have quite a few new listeners, man.

Musical LSD.

That's right.

Brown Beaver.

Quite a few new listeners, man.

I'd like to welcome all of you.

That's right.

He's a madhouse.

All right.

All right, we'll catch you all next week, man.

That's it.

Show's over.

Have a good weekend.

and we'll see y'all next Thursday.

Thanks, guys.

Hey, everyone.

Yeah.

In five minutes.

Love you, County Cubs.

Shout out to Michael Allen Neff.

That was me five bucks.

On Friday, March 2nd,

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to license the music we play.

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This means unless the rates are changed,

most or all of your favorite Internet radio stations will be bankrupt

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Thanks.

Calls (24, 1 h 8 min of 2 h 56 min)

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