2007-03-29 Show

And who plays What Happens in America?

Well, we steamed your ass in World War II, what do you have to...

We never did, and who helped you out just now?

You piss off, woman.

Don't talk to me like that.

We don't need you anyway, bitch.

Son, fuck you!

Call me a stinky, stinky fucker.

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

Hi, everybody.

Good evening.

Welcome to our show.

The Madhouse is back in full effect.

Milkman, shut that up.

Hey, Milkman's all into Hitler and Nazis.

God damn.

Well, here we are, everybody. The show has begun.

I tried very hard to start on time, but I was doing that.

No, seriously, we had a lot of technical issues right now.

Our network is not complete, and that is horrible.

But nonetheless, we'll continue on with our show.

It's now 11.18 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, Thursday, March the 29th.

And we are being broadcast to you via the great, grandiose Madhouse Radio Network,

TalkShoe.com, TalkShoe.com.

Our flagship station

Don't forget to say what's up

To all of you listening to us for the first time

Our second time around here on TalkShoot.com

Thank you

Thank you folks

Thank you for having me on TalkShoot

Also of course we're on

98.6themouth.com

98.6

Alright

We got prankcallradio.com

PCR simulcasting us tonight

Thank you very much we love you all over at PCR

you are. Great group of people over there.

All of them. Thank you.

That's right. Hell yeah.

We love you too. I love

Rev. That kid Rev, man. I'll tell you.

That kid's got the juice.

That kid. That kid, boy.

Smartest kid in God's green earth.

And breaking news,

everybody. Breaking news right

here. You know, PCU is down.

PCU has been down.

I'm going to try to kick them

now and have them join in. Hang on, everybody. Let's see

if this works. And I am starting

the stream. And hey, we're on

PCU. Alright.

We're on PCU.

So our network is complete.

PCURadio.com.

PCURadio.com. Hi to all of you. Thank you very

much. All of you who are listening to us

tonight. 1-0-4.

That's right. We have 62 listeners

all together on our combined

network. That is beautiful. Thank you

everybody for hanging in there with us. Tonight

we'll be doing prank calls. We'll be

discussing the topics of the day. Doing a little

little bit of comedy, little bit of shit, little bit of this, little bit of that, you

know, there it is, what else can we talk about, that's right, my finger smells funny, I'm

Carlito, here via satellite link up as always is none other than the Milkman, what's up

Milkman, hey Carlito, gonna be another great night in the mouth, hell yeah, thank you for

For having us back.

Yeah, that's an honor to have you back, man.

And Jen Stewart is not in tonight.

Jen, we miss you.

Too bad.

So sad.

Bye-bye.

I love you, Jen.

Jen's having some problems with his Indian ISP connection.

Clone Homegrown.

He's Indian, as a matter of fact.

Clone Homegrown has to work tomorrow, so he couldn't make it.

All right.

It's about time you got some work.

Hang on, I'll stop the music.

Will just made it here.

also will just entering into the uh the madhouse compound and just let him in through the gate

so uh will will be here in just a second here all right which means they're probably gonna have to

kind of probably have to adina yo open the door woman get her in a shake around here sorry to

yell in your all's ears how to get the old lady out over the work back to work over there but hey

um we got stuff to discuss some big things have been happening lately with me um i was featured

featured on the Leo Laporte's This Week in Tech podcast live on Sunday.

And I also got to make an appearance on his podcast,

probably one of the biggest, if not the biggest, podcasts out there

in terms of popularity and importance.

And that was an awesome event to talk to him.

I got to plug the network.

Moving up in the world.

That's right.

I got to plug the network.

I got to plug madhouselive.com, where you should go.

What else?

I was also on a regular radio show on, when was it, on Tuesday night?

WPRK.

WPRK, that's right.

So, Will, you got to listen all the way here, didn't you?

That is a shame.

Hey, here's your mic, man.

Put that on.

Will just walking in.

Will finally made it to the beginning of the show.

What's up, everybody?

Perfect.

We were just getting to you.

It works perfect on TalkShoe, man.

This is awesome.

All right, so, Will, explain what you did.

Will, on TalkShoe.com, you were actually able to listen to the show on your cell phone.

I was listening to it on my cell phone.

I had a speakerphone in the car, like radio.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

That's right.

So everybody...

Hook it up to some speakers and make people think it's on stereo.

That's right.

So if you're not going to be at home and you want to catch the madhouse in your car,

your drive home, or wherever you are out there, you don't have internet at that time,

you're not by your computer, register with TalkShoe.com.

It's so awesome.

You guys got to get it.

I'm telling you, man.

It's great.

They're a great addition to the show.

Again, that's TalkShoe.com.

TalkShoe.com.

I need to start recording.

I just forgot.

There we go.

We forgot to do that.

All right, so we're now on TalkShoe.com.

We're being recorded live.

See?

See that?

Just like he said, we're being recorded live.

So now we're getting our five bucks for the night.

Will, how about that, huh?

That's what's up.

That's right.

This show is being brought to you by TalkShoe.com, technically.

If you want to, you can go and sign up, too.

That's what's up.

Just do it.

All right.

Will, what do you think about this shit between Burton and Iran?

What's up with that?

Any idea what's going on?

Oh, I thought you were talking about Britain and Iran.

That's what I said.

Britain and Iran.

No, I thought you were talking about Britain and Iran.

Oh, people themselves.

Yeah.

You know someone named Iran?

No, Britain.

Britain and Iran.

I thought, I was like, why would Britain have a problem?

No, which one is Britain?

Who's that?

Oh, that's still a number.

The crazy one.

Oh, that dude.

Oh, that guy's weird.

That guy's weird.

The hair out is.

Yeah.

What are your thoughts on that?

We're going to go do a quick roundtable here.

Will, what do you know?

I thought they were

pulling their people out as far as I last heard.

Okay, so you obviously

don't know what's going on.

Milkman, fill me in.

Milkman, fill Will in.

Actually, we've got a big celebration

going on. My turban

is dirty.

I've got to find that prank call.

Seriously, you know what's going on between

Between Britain and Iran, let people know, those who may not know.

It is a long-lost love affair, and they're getting back together.

They're going to be controlled now.

Iran will be controlled by Great Britain, and Tony Blair will be prime minister.

That's not what it is.

I can't believe this.

The warrior.

That would be so awesome.

I was going for it, man.

They're going to open a McDonald's in Iran.

Oh, that's right.

I thought they already had one over there.

Not in Iran.

You can't eat that hamburger stuff, can you?

You can eat beef, right?

No, but they can't

No, they're going to make it out of

Muffet, lamb

What do they fill up?

No, they're going to make it out of bacon, man

Bacon

I encourage everybody out there

I don't think that's going to work there, buddy

I encourage everybody out there to sneak bacon

In the Muslim people's food

You know what it's going to really do?

It's going to kill their culture

Oh, man

If we brought them out with some beef, right?

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, tell them, this is beef sausage.

They're like, oh, this is beef sausage.

You know how, like, the Japanese, they stop doing the old traditional stuff all the time.

They start doing all the Western stuff.

Americanized.

That's what we're going to do is Americanize the hell out of it.

The Muslims, you think so?

Yeah, why?

We'll end up, like, you know, we'll give them money.

Trust me.

This is the best beef sausage I've ever had.

They're not allowed to watch movies.

They can't go to movies or some crap like that.

they can watch movies in the in the normal muslim countries the progressive the liberal ones like

afghanistan under taliban rule they ban movies and videotape it's a tape i thought it was like

that over there for my style no you can watch you can go to saudi arabia kuwait and watch a movie

they can't they gotta be all covered up right that's gonna change they're gonna have them

they already got fashion with their eyes they gotta cover their eyes yeah cover their eyes

Yeah, that's going to work.

That's going to work perfectly.

You do not look at where you're going.

You were just running to me and we were fucked.

It was crazy.

To me, it would be like...

All right, well, you jerks.

What's going on, you morons, is that I can't believe none of you got this right.

The British have this ship called the HMS Cornwall, I think it's called.

Alright? Here's what I understand.

HMS Cornhole.

Cornhole.

You know what's going on in that boat.

That's the British Navy for you.

But seriously, they boarded

an Indian... They were right

off of Iraq. They boarded an Indian

vessel to check for smuggling.

And then on the way back, they

got surrounded by Iranian boats

and they got boarded and all 12 of them got taken

captive, including one woman.

And they're being held as prisoners right now.

So apparently

Apparently, there's a big thing is, you know, is this going to allow Britain and the United States to escalate into war in Iran?

Is it really happening?

Is it all fabricated to help us get into war?

You know, I don't know.

Actually, it was an American ship.

It was spray painted with curry powder.

Yes.

They just followed their big Iranian noses over to it.

That's all it was.

and one of my oh well one of my teammates guys one of my teammates from my uh my class

is uh he got a hold of my website and he went on there and he's he's a muslim guy

and i think he heard some shit that was pretty bad because he's like changed his demeanor

completely with me every time i i he he told me he's like he heard the prank call where i called

the woman a cunt like eight times in the whole call he's like yeah that one was over the top

And I felt bad for them at the end

He cracked up

But I know he had to listen to the

Sam the Donut Man calls

And I think there were some disparaging remarks

Made about Muslims

So I feel bad now

Hey man it's a show

It's comedy

Don't take it seriously

When he told me it's like yeah

I'm not going to do the Muslim voice

But you know what his name is

This is a show man

His name he goes by Sam

Because he cannot use his real first name at work

That's all I'm going to say

Wow

Okay

Cool

What has SAM in it

That's a Muslim name

That you wouldn't want

People to call

Osama

No

Osama

That's his name

With an H at the end

Yeah

You can't be in school

With that name

Yeah

No

You show up on FBI file list

And they flag your name

I've seen it happen

Or I heard of Reddit

Or something like that

Some school in Colorado

Or something like that

They got like five kids

They all showed up

On some FBI list

And they were here

From another

Iran or some other country

in Pakistan. They're here for

college and stuff.

There's a lot of foreigners in college, man.

There's more of those than Americans sometimes.

Milkman, is there a college in the Virgin Islands?

Oh, yeah, man.

University of Virgin Islands. UVI, man.

UVI? Seriously? What's the mascot?

What's the mascot?

It's the indigenous

Virgin Islands tree monkey.

Okay, that's perfect. You mean the citizens.

I want to be a tree monkey.

no

it's just a

virgin islander

the mascot's

some big

netty dread

virgin islander

gang

I'm coughing

I sound like a

homo when I

cough

well um

guys

yeah so

whatever

Iran and

Iraq and

and and

and Britain

Milkman you're

a little out of

control tonight

Iran and

and Britain

whatever

is it a

fabrication

I don't think

so is it a

is it is it

uh I hear

a prank call

fuck it

Who cares, right?

Yeah, man.

Anybody die lately?

Any birthdays, anniversaries, deaths?

Anybody?

Jessica's star is now 39 years old.

I have no idea who that is.

I don't either.

I think I just made it up.

I've got breaking news.

Breaking news, breaking news.

Where's my breaking news at?

Bam, bam, bam.

Madhouse Munchies are now for sale.

MadhouseMunchies.com.

Our sponsor, MadhouseMunchies.com.

This news break is brought to you by MadhouseMunchies.com.

Michael Jackson.

The crunch, crunch, and mm-mm good.

Michael Jackson has been admitted to a medical facility because he has pneumonia.

I don't know if you guys are concerned about Michael Jackson.

Ammonia.

Yeah, he was making deadly gas.

Anyway, seriously.

Oh, my goodness.

We have tons of numbers here, everybody.

Congratulations to us.

We have numbers.

Yes, sirree.

We have numbers.

What about me?

Bonkers.

hey hey all right milkman calm down can we call iceland what's what's our rate on iceland

or iceland i think it's out of this world so it's probably not super quick what else do we

got here we got the philippines we got a burger king in the philippines uh here tonight yeah we've

done those before they're not very expensive brooklyn brooklyn pizza in the philippines how

How about that?

That's what I'm saying.

I need a hundred.

Club B-Boss in Hong Kong.

Oh, I see.

We got to call Hong Kong.

A woman answered there.

They speak English.

They were all British.

Yeah, they were all Britonized like India.

Yeah.

How come there's no call centers in Hong Kong and those people speak English?

What's going on with that?

They probably do just that we don't have them there.

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah, the Britons.

Yeah.

Whatever, man.

That's fucked up.

India, man.

You watch out, India.

I know you're listening.

You forgot about the 50-foot Michael Jackson robot to wander the Las Vegas desert with laser eyes.

No, seriously, they're building a 50-foot robotic version of Michael Jackson in the desert off the strip of Las Vegas.

Oh, hell no.

People are just not going to...

He's moving there?

He's going to be like Tom Jones.

Oh, hell no.

He could make money, though.

Tom Jones made a lot of money.

You know how much it costs to watch Tom Jones in Las Vegas?

It costs like $100 a seat.

I think the cheapest seat...

I think it's cheap.

It's like $50, $75, some crap like that.

I think people don't buy them.

They just win them off of comp, off the tables and stuff, or the machines, right?

Don't you get tickets and food?

You go win some money to go to the show.

That's what people do most of the time.

They get one or two scheduled.

But anyways.

Anyway, prank calls, right?

That's what's up.

Real quick, before we do that, the toll-free line is 888-278-8509.

The website is madhouselife.com.

Uh, if you want to, uh, catch us on AOL Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio, Madhouse Radio, AOL Instant Messenger, Yahoo Messenger, Madhouse Radio Online, MSN Messenger is madhouseliveathotmail.com, and, uh, that's about it.

it if you want to do the request a prank we do free prank requests we do not charge you unlike

the competition you can visit madhouse live.com click on the request a prank link and it'll email

us email it us directly to our desktop and also you can just email your shit to us at madhouse

radio at gmail.com we ask that you uh actually try to at least to confirm your your number right

make sure someone's gonna answer it or talk shoe.com you can listen on your cell phone that's

That's right.

You can call in to the show on TalkShoe.com.

That's right.

If you've got to go out and you're on TalkShoe, call.

And I want to say what's up to the TalkShoers.

We've got one, two, three, four TalkShoers, technically.

I guess two, three.

We've got three TalkShoers, right?

Four?

I don't know.

Whatever.

Let's do it.

Let's get out of here.

All right.

We're out of here, folks.

Thanks for listening.

All right.

Milkman, so you think we should be okay with the Philippines?

Yeah, Philippines is good, man.

All right.

Cool.

We'll do that now.

Hang on.

Just keep an eye on the count.

Yep.

Damn it.

We'll let it ring out.

We're going to call the pool place instead.

I think it's star pound.

It doesn't do it automatically.

Pound.

I did pound.

I did pound twice.

Well, I'll do it once.

Hey.

Now it's stuck.

Where's the woman at?

I'm trying to wait for the woman to come back.

It's a lot faster that way.

Hello.

Hey, how are you doing?

This is a great night.

I don't know.

Maybe this Philippines thing isn't such a good idea.

That was the stupid Philippines.

Stupid people don't know how to talk.

I'm going to call them back.

Is this a restaurant?

I don't know.

It's a pool place.

It's on Don Quixote Street.

21 minutes, man.

Don't waste too much time on it.

Oh, shit.

21 minutes.

Yeah, we can't call the Philippines, man.

It's too expensive.

Fucking hang up, man.

We had to get a Philippines card.

I thought you meant Guam.

Hey.

Hey! Hey, woman!

Look at this, look at this, look at this.

Alright, I'm out of time. Bye.

Moron. You and those Filipinos, you look really dumb.

What are they?

No, they're so stupid. You ever see a Filipino, Will?

Are you Filipino? No.

Alright, good.

They look like mongoloids.

Like, duh, Filipino.

They were like a bad mix of

races. What was it, Spanish?

Spanish and Asian.

Like weird headhunter Asian.

That's weird.

Weird. Weirdness, man.

Okay, continuing on. We're going to call

domestic numbers, alright? We're going to stick to

numbers here in the states.

Except for maybe, you know, Hong Kong.

Nah, it's got to be too expensive.

UK is alright, Lonesome Losers. Let's stick to the UK.

Those other places. UK and

Australia are okay.

Guam are okay.

Uh, yeah.

Larger nationality

countries, man. Right.

Are not too expensive. Right.

Club Roxbury. Huh. That's something.

often. Bo Diddley's Deli.

There we go. Bo Diddley's Deli

we're going to call, and this is in Minnesota.

Minnesota. I've got

info on Minnesota. Well, hang on.

I'm going to bring this to the table. How do you spell Minnesota?

M-E-N-N. There we go. The Settling

of Minnesota. That's what they call it.

Hang on, folks. We'll be right back with the next prank.

You settled Minnesota. To me, it's

beyond belief that

people came here and

fucking stayed.

I mean, it wasn't like there was something here and people went,

oh boy, look,

Look, there's a Walmart.

This'll be great.

Minnesota, of course, was settled by many people from Scandinavia,

who literally, just in the 18th century, had it.

It's the country they were living in.

They turn to their friend and go,

Sven, this is shit!

Fucking cold every night!

I must find a new land.

And then they got on a wooden...

Boy, oh boy.

Are we 0 for 4 now?

Okay.

Well, I guess we can call Nibbler's Eatery and Wine Bar.

Hang on, folks, we're gonna try this again.

Scarface, stupid movie.

Stupid actor.

Good evening, Nibbler's Eatery.

How may I help you?

Hey, guys.

How are you doing?

Doing well, thanks.

What's your wine tasting schedule like?

We serve dinner between 5 and 9.30, and the wine bar is open during those hours as well.

It's lunch Monday through Friday from 11.30 to 2.30.

What are your selections of cheeses?

Of sorry?

Cheeses.

Quesos.

We have a list that changes daily.

It's always 9 to 12 cheeses from all over the world.

Okay.

What's the stinkiest cheese you've got?

Well, I have a couple of washed rind cheeses from Ireland right now.

Oh, wonderful.

One is quite pungent.

Wonderful, wonderful.

It's got a nice red rind to it.

A red rind?

Red rind.

How would you describe the pungency?

Was it a woody?

I'm sorry, I've got a lot of talking here.

Would it be an earthy pungency, would you describe it, or perhaps a septic one?

I'd call it more earthy, actually.

More earthy.

Oh, that's wonderful.

That's wonderful for the palate.

What would you recommend to go with a cheese as to that?

We have a recommendation usually on the menu that you can select.

Does it have any tannins in it?

Well, most wines do, so yes.

What kind of tannin count would I expect to get in a wine that would go with that type of cheese?

That's not a question I'm going to be able to answer.

Oh, Jesus.

Now, how much is it for your spaces?

For our spaces?

Yes.

You mean, I'm not sure what you mean.

Your spaces, your spaces.

How much does it cost to use your spaces?

For a private event?

Sure, your spaces.

Okay, well, I'm just not clear on what you mean by spaces.

We would like to use your spaces because I speak like that.

It's your spaces, you know.

Okay.

Well, our dining room holds about 50 people.

No, but I mean your spaces, your spaces.

Do you not know what your spaces are?

No, I'm not clear on what you mean.

I'm a wine connoisseur, ma'am.

Your spaces, you know.

Rental out.

I apparently am not as much of a connoisseur as you.

Can you ask the owner, perhaps a gentleman, a man?

Like, Mike.

I am, who's on duty right now, that's available by phone.

But you're a female.

I mean, you're a female.

Perhaps you don't know that much about things such as wine.

You know, men from France are the people who brought this upon the world, not women.

May I ask your name, sir?

Jack Valentin.

I just had a stroke.

Okay, Jack.

I appreciate your...

Don't forget the stroke part.

Write that down.

Just had a stroke.

I appreciate your opinion, but I don't know how to answer your question.

I had a stroke, and you're discriminating on me, and it is unfair.

I am in no way intending any discrimination towards you based on your medical condition.

I just don't know how to answer your question.

Ma'am, if I may finish, please, let us not speak against each other,

but I believe that you are making an unfair assessment of my abilities

based on a generalization of a group of people.

Okay, and if you'd like to leave your phone number with me,

I can have the owner call you when he's in tomorrow.

I'm not, my wife doesn't let me leave phone numbers for other women.

Okay.

I mean, seriously.

Well, I don't have anyone here that can answer the question for you right at this moment, I'm afraid.

So if you'd like to call back tomorrow after 11, you could speak with the owner and he could answer the question for you.

Are you, madam, are you attracting bears?

Not that I know of.

I can smell it over the phone.

Good night, sir.

Good night.

That was worth the wait, wasn't it, folks?

I coughed at the end, Jim.

Will wrote, I drink a lot.

Will, what was I supposed to say?

What's a teller you're going to drink a lot?

I'll drink a lot of wine.

Yeah.

I took it a weird edge with that whole snob kind of thing.

What's up with the wine snobs, huh?

You drink wine, Will?

Yeah, it's a good mix when you're tired of drinking beer and getting that bloated feeling.

The wine and Sprite, dog.

Make a spritzer.

I like the light burgundies.

Burgundies.

I like, um...

Look at that.

Damn it, I can't remember.

Light burgundies.

I don't know what you're calling them.

I don't know what it is.

I like a nice, you know, noir.

I like Ziffindales.

I like a dark wine.

You know, dark wine.

Mine's got to be fruity.

and cold. What's that one you can get

in the bottle?

Ripple. What's the really cheap

ghetto one that you can get?

Ripple and Thunderbird.

Thunderbird, yeah. Thunderbird, man.

What's the word?

Thunderbird. What's the price?

Milkman, what's the price?

Cisco.

30 twice or something like that.

You guys don't know about

Thunderbird Wine? Thunderbird Wine.

It was this really cheap port wine

Yeah, man, Seabird's a good stuff, man.

For $0.60 a bottle.

I'm trying to remember the name of that wine.

Was that Irish Rose?

Irish Rose, yeah.

Not Knott's Berry Farm.

Knott's Berry Farm is cheap.

No, no, I was talking about Seabird.

Seabird Farm is pretty good.

Not Almaday.

No, it's something farms.

I can't remember what it's called.

Boone's Farm.

There you go.

Milkman got it.

All right, man.

All right.

Cool.

That's our wine talk for the evening, folks.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

With the cheeses.

Who wants to eat sticky-ass cheeses, man?

Right?

I don't want to eat that shit.

Hey.

You said it, man.

We're going to continue on with the show.

That's right.

More prank calls.

And we need Mad Dog 2020.

That's the one.

That's not wine.

That's a beer?

Is that a malt liquor?

Malt liquor.

All right.

There's one I'm missing.

It's marketed towards black people.

Yeah.

What's the other one?

You got the bull, right?

Schlitz malt liquor.

You got Mickey.

Schlitz malt liquor?

Yeah.

You ain't got nothing.

I got some Colt, Colt 45.

Colt 45, right?

Yeah.

Colt 45.

We got a prank call request, Milkman, from a listener, a new listener.

All right.

A new listener to Madhouse.

This new listener says, hey.

That's our website.

This guy says, hey.

Hey, you guys.

You should call this crazy chick.

Her name is Kelsen.

Her number is this.

And he said that she'll pick up for sure, and he can give me a list of number if I want.

number just one number list and that's all he sent me was one number so good work uh green pencil man

you did the right thing thank you we will be some details give us some detail give us a little

background how old is she i want to know she's an eight-year-old yeah she's an eight-year-old i

can't be calling me man i'll call an eight-year-old she was oh okay he's coming this one time we

called for a nine-year-old someone sent a number for a nine-year-old and we said that we had gotten

or pregnant? She's 18. She's 18?

Yes, sir. I'll have to ask for her ID.

Alright, what does she do? What's her

job, Green Pencil? Explain yourself,

man. Also, Sonny DJ

is saying what's up for the first time. What's up, man?

That's what you listen to now. Nice to have you around.

Any more shout-out requests?

I don't see any more shout-out requests. I don't know.

I don't know.

Yeah, man. I want to shout-out my buddy.

She has a boyfriend?

She has a friend in Vegas.

She has a boyfriend?

Milkman.

Check this out.

She has a boyfriend named Tony, and she works at Quick Trip.

Now, what's a Quick Trip?

It works a lot.

It works at.

It works a lot.

It's hard to read.

This green pencil cat.

All right, Milkman's having a great old time.

Milkman, how's your cat doing?

I haven't talked about your cat in a while.

How's good old kitty doing?

Oh, jeez.

You guys take it too far.

We're going to be right back with another call.

You can never do anything nice around here to talk about the cat.

You guys don't ever take it seriously.

Here's a...

Killed the milkman.

Oh, you got to love these things, don't you?

What I got?

This is bad music.

I'm going to make people listen to bad music every time they call me.

My dog runs away.

I don't get angry at the bills I have to pay.

Kelsey, look, the phone isn't a toy and it's not to be played around with.

It's a serious thing.

And I want you to change your voicemail message within the next day.

I'm going to call back and check it.

The phone is not a toy, right?

Yeah, we don't appreciate that because, you know, Tony doesn't like it either.

there no tony's not gonna like it we'll talk more about that later goodbye that was weird let me

unmute the cow moo moo moo milkman is back he just lights up he doesn't want to talk to his man

poor milkman you know what's weird dealing with milkman i've never seen him before

and i've been working with him on the show you got a picture of him no yeah i got a picture he

just muted himself it's like you ever see that movie 2001 a space odyssey when you taught when

When they talk to Hal, the computer, it's like a little light.

It's like that.

That's how it feels sometimes, talking to Milkman.

Good morning, Carlito.

I can't do that, Dave.

Poor Milkman.

He's upset.

Look, he muted himself.

Himself.

Well, luckily we got the warrior.

Warrior, what's up, man?

You're the new co-host.

Congratulations.

Hey, what's up?

Yeah, we got you replacing right here, Milkman.

How do you like them apples, baby?

That's right.

My mom, he's great.

That's hilarious.

We had to replace him for the milkman in the setup already.

Just ready to go.

All I had to do was call him in.

Isn't that awesome?

That's how we plan right here, folks.

We're on top of things.

Okay, the next prank call, the number coming from Lonesome Loser,

it's going to be Tree Monkey, and it's in New Zealand.

That's too far away.

Okay, we won't call that.

Instead, I need to find the local numbers here.

and again if you want yeah we know you know what's going on tonight there was something

missing we don't have any any people calling in because the toll-free line is turned off still

hang on let me turn the toll-free line on just one moment you can log in with the pda

sell pda login onto this yeah with that website on this website yeah oh really you can sign in

and format it for your pda oh and then i could have it go to the i could have the toll-free

line redirect to the uh cell phone well that's awesome that is so convenient man you gotta love

calling you have to have ppc though i don't know what the hockey pc oh windows it's a cell phone

too you can if you have some windows on your phone really that's what it is whatever the

telephone line is open everybody 888-278-8509 please call in and beg milkman to stop being a

girl and start talking again uh musical lsd is joining the chat room welcome in musical lsd

LSD is cool man

Especially when it's musical

Oh man

Like I said last week

It is a very beautiful thing

That shit made me cry

And then laugh

I'm sorry

LSD

Laugh then cry every time

I start laughing really hard

And then I start crying

It's some weird shit man

LSD man

It's fun though

I found a spot

Like when you walk to the gas station

You know how they got radios on all of them

Right

It feels like you're in stereophonic man

Man, because all the speakers are playing, they sound like they're coming from different directions.

And then the other place is the corner, all the way up at the intersection on the median.

Get all the way up to the middle as you could, and then you can have like a little show.

You're scaring me, man.

Yeah, man.

Stop talking shit.

I was doing that, I was acting out.

Nah, this is crazy shit.

Aw, poop.

Alright there, how are you, sir?

What's up, Carlito?

Hey, you're on the air, Jonathan. How are you doing, man?

I'm doing okay.

Can you send a message to your good friend Milkman telling him to stop being a girl and come back on the show?

He's banning us.

He's sitting out on the show.

Oh, he's being a cheese boy?

He's being a cheese boy.

That's right.

You tell him, Jonathan.

Make your case.

Why should Milkman come back on the show tonight?

Oh, he's part of the Madhouse Pit Crew.

That's right.

We might as well just end the show.

We're not going to have Milkman, right, Will?

That's right.

Yeah, Will agrees.

Where's your phone at, Will?

Oh, yeah.

There it is.

No, that's a remote.

Anyway, so what's going on? What was for dinner?

Jonathan, that's always my question to you.

What did you have? Mashed potatoes?

I had some chicken and rice.

Chicken and rice. Good. Fried chicken?

Boiled? Fried chicken and some rice.

Okay. Right on.

Fried chicken's good, man.

Especially from Publix. I tell you, Publix is a good

sponsor on the show.

So what's going on with you coming down

to the show? We're really excited about

the prospect of meeting up with you.

Even if it's on the show, not on a Thursday.

But I would like to meet you the next time you come down to Orlando.

Let me know, all right?

Okay.

It will probably be sometime next week.

All right.

Well, let me know when you're coming down, and I'll definitely meet you out there.

Maybe I'll buy you a drink.

We'll hang out for a little bit.

Okay.

All right.

I'll give you an autograph.

All right.

Five dollars.

When you get offline, you'll probably have to send me your regular number, because I

can't get you on a toll-free line all the time, because you always have it all.

I'll leave it on for you.

How does that sound?

Okay.

And in case I forget, I'll try to get you the personal number.

If not, Milkman will take care of it, I'm sure.

All right.

Well, I'm going to let you go, Jonathan.

Well, of course, now, as always, it's your time to say hi to all your fans.

I'd like to say hello to all my fans and listeners, and I hope you have a swell weekend.

All right.

Well, God bless.

All right.

All right, then.

Bye.

Excuse me.

And here we are.

I should be a bartender, Will.

They make good money.

Bartending classes?

You try going to Mako's, man.

You get to jump off on the

bar and you get to dance

and play guitar.

That's too much work, man.

The girls, they have painted on shirts.

Painted on shirts at Mako's?

This is paint. There's no clothing.

I heard Mako's was on MTV

Spring Break last night.

Yeah, and they also have chicks on

swings. Awesome, man.

At Mako's, they have chicks on swings? Yeah.

Well, hell, we gotta go.

That's where that one radio show went.

Oh, Monsters.

No, yeah.

Monsters got there.

No, Shannon Burkle's or no.

Yeah, they go there, too.

It used to be some other people they had on there, but they cut them offline.

Uh, Jonathan Jones, that guy.

He used to do radio here.

Hang on.

Nah, well.

Madhouse Radio, you're on the mouth.

Awesome, man.

What's going on?

Not much.

Who's this?

Stamp.

Hey, what's up, Food Stamp?

Hanging out on the east side of West Compton, man.

Trying to hold it down like a white girl by three brothers who just got out of prison.

Oh, you got to be very careful with that, too.

Don't give it up, man.

Don't give it up.

No means no.

Well, dude, take it where the cops can't find you.

So, uh, good thing y'all got going on, man.

I'm, uh, glad to see the franking revolution is still continuing.

Yeah, whatever it is, man.

That's cool.

So, uh, is this the first time for you listening to the show, or are you just, uh...

Actually, it is.

Um, funny story is I am, as far as I know, the first owner of frankcallradio.com.

Back in the day.

Ah, yes, I've heard of you.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm that guy.

And basically what happened is I shut the station down, and my girlfriend at the time was a deaf girl.

She couldn't listen.

She was like, you've got to get rid of this.

And it's been gone for two and a half years now, and I guess you guys have come along since,

and it's damn near the same thing.

Well, that's Dr. Lego.

You see, they used to be Prank Call Underground Radio, and then we were all happy together,

and then they split up, and I don't know.

It's a long story.

I haven't kept up with it recently, but when I was around, it was the whole Prank Radio thing,

and then there's Prank Call Radio.

Right.

And prank call radio was always better, in my opinion.

Not just because I ran it, but it was.

And then KDK was around, and they would mirror pranks from everywhere.

Any prank phone call that they could get their hands on, they would just stream it live 24-7.

Just anything from anywhere.

You know, that's a complaint I have, and I'll be honest with you.

They have some really lackluster pranks on there.

Very boring.

A lot of Arnold soundboards.

It gets kind of tedious sometimes.

times if they kind of cut the fat a little bit even if it repeated more it'd be a lot better

experience sure i can definitely concur with that they did have a really long playlist i don't

remember how many days of franks they had but there was a lot of fat in there i do agree with

that yeah well i think it was uh what do you say we hit the phones here let's uh piss somebody off

get somebody killed you got any characters that you're known for or you just kind of

demetrius marsupial was probably the most common uh okay he's my black man that i do and then

And there's Tinkle Bumperoo, which is the pissed-off old white woman.

She's been in porno her whole life.

She's a director and also an actor as far as porno is concerned.

Okay.

And then just your everyday redneck from Alabama, Mike Hammond,

your normal Budweiser drinking white boy.

Wow.

You've got a whole list there, huh, buddy?

I say we do a vote.

Anybody who's listening who's in the chat right now,

if you want to hear Demetrius or Tinkle or Mike or whoever, say it now.

Yeah.

We'll go ahead and kick a character off.

Well, you work on that.

I'll give you the option right now.

I've got running around.

I've got a country store in Oregon.

I've got an inn in Oregon also,

and then I also have Underdog Entertainment in L.A.,

which I'm going to assume is probably a porno establishment.

Have you ever called the Bunny Ranch before?

I'm sure you've gotten that.

I have not myself, but my associates have.

They're always fine, but you'll just do the inn.

Let's do the inn.

This is the Wyatt Earp Inn.

Wyatt Earp Inn.

In Dodge City.

Oh, this is in Dodge City, Kansas.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Well, we'll do that right now.

Hang on, dude.

All right.

Hang on.

Hang on the line.

And this is, I'm sorry, Food Stamp is coming up with a prank call.

That'd be driving you crazy.

Get this motherfucking phone flyer coming at me with my knife.

Hello?

Yeah, what's up, man?

Is this the Wyatt Airbnbs?

Nope.

Their number's 225.

Who is it?

Same number, 2654.

This is the number you called it, 255.

It's my cell number.

They have something wrong with their phone.

It's been that way for the last six months.

They put an ad or something in the phone book.

It said 255, but that's only cell numbers in this area.

The phone number's actually 225-2654.

Man, I wish I had three-way on this phone.

I could get some shit kicked off.

I don't have anything here but two laptops, which is enough,

but so hard to run shoutcasts and all kinds of servers by yourself,

email servers, web servers.

Please enter your cell number.

I had to yell at her to open the door for you, Will. Can you believe that?

I don't want to get up to get the door. Get the fucking door.

Hello?

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, man, I'm trying to get a room. Is this the Wyatt Earp Inn?

Yes, I'm sorry.

I didn't answer correctly.

You just said that you're sorry for this being the Wyatt Earp Inn?

No, I'm sorry I didn't answer the phone correctly.

No, it's all good, man. I ain't mad at you.

But the thing is, you know, I'm trying to get a room down there.

I got some people with me.

Um, you know, we're just trying to come through for the night.

Uh, it's going to be about 13 of us.

You think you can put us up?

Um, yes, you should.

All right, we're going to need a room all together for just about four, maybe five minutes.

Is there any way we could do, like, maybe a minute rate or an hourly rate?

No, we don't have an hourly rate.

Well, let me ask you this.

If I came down there, could about 13 of us just come through the lobby and use the bathroom real quick?

Because we're out here, we're down the road from y'all, and I heard y'all's the only hotel open.

And, you know, we're stuck in the car, but we need to get in a hotel room or at least a bathroom for about, you know, it's a couple minutes each to do what we need to do.

Why is the other hotels full?

Well, I haven't even tried to call them.

You know, we got to go ahead and get this done because it's kind of in the heat of the moment, you understand?

And the thing is, I don't want to do it in the car with all these people because, you know, that would be illegal.

It would be considered a carjack.

So I'm just trying to come through there, you know, to get on private property away from the public eye so I can, you know, basically, you know, play with my eye.

You feel me on that, boss player?

How much is it going to be?

Go ahead and ring it up.

I'll even tip you.

How many people?

It's 13 people all together, but one of them, you know, you could probably just go ahead and give us a child rate for him because he's under 13.

And how many rooms are we talking?

I just need one room.

I don't need more than one room.

I mean, nobody's going to sleep or nothing.

We're all going to be wide awake.

What are we going to be doing?

We are trying to shoot this movie, but the thing is, my cameraman's sick.

He's back in Arkansas, where we're from.

And I was actually going to ask you, if I paid you, say, you know, like $20, $25 for an hour,

not even really like the whole hour, you know, I'm going to give you $25.

You just got to work for about five minutes.

You think you could hold a video camera and get us all filmed?

Me and little J-Bob, little Chris, B-Dizzle, and old Frankenstein, he's here too.

You see, you can get us on tape.

No, I am not going to do that.

Why not?

I bet I can make you put us on tape.

If I come down there and rip your ass up like an old t-shirt,

you tell me you're not going to do what I want to fuck you do.

I'm a paying customer.

You understand me?

I'm trying to get a motherfucking room.

Trying to get my freak on.

Five minutes trying to get it on video.

You know what?

I can be my renting the room to anybody I feel like it.

Yeah, well, you know, that might be a right and all,

but like I said, I can come down there and make you rent me a room.

I can make you give me a room.

I get a monthly rate for nothing.

Oh, there she raised her voice at you.

Hang on, I'll try to call her back.

I'm going to appreciate you hanging up on me.

Let me try to take this one here.

My turn still.

Ma'am, I don't appreciate you hanging up on my cousin.

What is the matter of all this, please?

Ma'am?

Madam?

I'm going to be hanging up again.

You don't need to hang up.

Have you ever heard of Operation Push?

No, I haven't.

Do you know who the Reverend Jesse Jackson is?

Yes.

Do you understand you were just speaking to him right now?

I don't care who he is.

Have you ever heard of the Rainbow Coalition?

Sure.

It's very serious what you've done in the name of the Lord.

He is a reverend, a man of the cloth.

You have offended him and you have offended the Father and the Son and the Holy Ghost.

All three of them, all four of them together.

Goodbye.

Good God.

Goodbye.

I'll pray for you.

Okay.

We'll pray for her, everybody.

That'll teach her a lesson.

Speak like that to Food Stamp.

All right, Food Stamp, thank you for calling in.

We're about to take a break, man.

You are welcome to call in any time, my friend.

I appreciate it, buddy.

Y'all rock on, man.

I appreciate what y'all are doing for the terrorization of the global planet.

That's right.

Check out my webpage, madhouselive.com, if you haven't yet.

What is it again?

Madhouselive.com.

Yes, sir.

I'm on there right now.

All right, sir.

Enjoy it.

Smoke crack and stab people.

There you go.

Smoke crackin'.

Smokin' crack now.

And smack, too.

What's smack?

Is that horse?

Same thing?

Something like that.

Donkey?

I'm gonna do some donkey tonight.

It's donkey cone.

What is horse and what's ice?

What are all those weird drugs that I don't know what they are?

Smack?

I'm gonna get some, uh, Special K, man.

Special K.

Man, how's it going?

You're on the air.

Hey, Carlito, what's happening?

Nothing much.

Who's this?

Cheese Boy.

Cheese Boy?

Yeah.

What the hell you say?

This is Donovan.

Donovan?

Yeah.

Alright.

Yeah, I'm a friend of Grinch's.

Oh, I see, I see.

Yeah, I thought I'd call you up and call you a cheese boy.

Yeah, it makes you feel good, but I do like cheese, man.

There's nothing wrong with being a cheese boy.

Hey, let's do a prank, man.

Who are you going to call?

Who's in the background?

How many ladies you got back there?

I got a couple girls in the background, man.

They love you guys.

Well, good.

Good.

See, you just added our listenership by two.

Thank you very much.

I feel much better about myself.

That's good

Do you want to make a couple of calls?

Yeah, do you want to call a country store?

I'd like to call a country store

Yep

Wanker's Country Store

You know what Wanker is, right?

A wanker in Britain

He's a guy that jacks off

Yeah, I wank it every once in a while

Alright man, cool

This is in Oregon

So the Wanker's Country Store

Hang on everybody, this guy here, I forgot who he is already

He's going to make a call

And we're all going to participate

Anticipate and be nice, all right?

Hang on, folks.

I'll be nice.

Good.

No, don't be nice.

Walker's Corner, this is Charlie.

How can I help you?

How you doing?

May I ask who's speaking?

This is Jason.

I was trying to call over there.

Is this the Wanker store?

What?

This is the store.

Yeah.

My mother, she was over there earlier.

She said she left her purse over there.

I was wondering if you found it.

At the bar or at the store?

I don't know.

Hold on.

This is the store, so.

Okay, let me ask her real fast.

This is the bar or the store, okay?

Okay.

Okay, hold on a second.

Hey, Mom, did you leave it over there at the bar or the store?

Was it at the bar or the store?

She don't remember, man.

Oh, well, I'm at the store, and I haven't found nothing.

Do you have a lost and found at the bar?

They might.

I don't know.

We're not associated.

What?

Can you transfer me over there?

No, we're not associated with them.

We're just neighbors.

Oh, what's the name of this place?

Corner Saloon is what you want to get a hold of.

The Wanker's place?

This is Walker's Corner Store.

You need the Corner Saloon.

Oh, the Corner Saloon?

Yeah, that's the bar.

Okay, well, you got that number?

I don't.

Well, you can look it up, can't you?

I don't have a phone book, man.

This is very important, man.

My mother lost her.

I'm not, yeah, I'm not information, dude.

That's not my problem.

So you're going to have to call the bar.

Why do you got to be such a jackass, you fucking...

I'm going to come over there and kick your ass.

Go ahead, I'll call the cops, dude.

Yeah, I'll fuck you up, bitch.

Motherfucker.

He's gone.

Good times, man. Good times. How'd that feel?

He kind of pissed me off.

He did. You got kind of angry at the end there, man.

Yeah, but I don't understand why he wouldn't give me his damn number in the bar.

I don't know. He's an asshole. What can you do, man? He's a jerk.

Please enter your destination number now.

Here, we're going to call Hong Kong. Hang on.

Four hours to Hong Kong, dude.

That's good.

I got four hours to Hong Kong.

The called party did not answer. Goodbye.

Okay. The calls party did not answer. It didn't even ring.

Asiana Rest and Nightclub.

Oh, it's ringing.

Hey, what's going on? Speak English?

Hey, you speak English?

What do you mean later?

Okay.

You hear this Chinese shit?

Hey, hello, you speak English?

You speak English, stupid.

Is this China?

China?

Yeah, China.

Let me tell you something.

Yeah, how many people coming?

Yo, I don't want you to start any shit in the Olympics next year, you got it?

Yeah.

Don't start any shit, I don't want any cheating.

Cheating, yeah.

No cheating.

No steroids, bitch.

Yeah.

You damn dirty Chinese, you're taking all our jobs too, and we want our jobs back.

Yeah.

Now this is a diplomatic maneuver, ma'am, and you are in charge of this, you as a member of the People's Republic of China.

Yeah.

Now I'm here to tell you that the truth is in Tiananmen Square, the children were trying to fight for democracy, and democracy is good.

Good. And you should be democratic. Say after me, I want democracy. One, two, three.

How many people coming?

Five. Five people.

Five people. What time?

In about two hours.

Two hours. Okay.

Okay.

What's your name you came in?

My name is Chinese Democracy.

Okay. Thank you.

What is my name?

Yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.

What's my name?

No, she'll get killed over there if she said it.

They probably would kill her.

Go say Chinese Democracy.

Yes. North Korea.

North Korea.

Yeah.

They got no phones in there.

North Korea.

They barely got electricity.

They barely got a nuclear bomb.

They just announced today was a failure.

They just put a bunch of TNT together and blew it up.

North Korea.

I'm so scared.

Hey, we're North Korea.

Hold on, we're America.

Hello?

Hi.

Wussy Wussy, how are you?

Ma'am, do you speak English or do you have an English speaker?

Please.

Little, what's the matter?

I would like to come in.

What?

I want to come in and I want you to take down my name.

Now know anybody.

Night time to phone.

Night time to phone?

Night time to come.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Can you give me someone else who speaks English?

Now know anybody.

How many people are there?

Inside of your mouth.

How big are your tits?

Now know anybody.

How big are your tits?

Night time.

Yeah, okay.

Now know anybody inside of your mouth.

Damn Hong Kongos.

hong kong goes you're right i should have said i wanted to come in her mouth will

had a point all right man we're gonna let you go i don't fucking travel over there man i'd

have a hell of a time yeah right on man all right man thanks for calling in it's been good having

you you've been a great guy all right bro say hi to your ladies there for me all right well

that's very awkward isn't it here we go from phone to microphone get the mic i don't know

why i just said that anyway break right we're gonna take a break i'm gonna make a sandwich

And you're all going to stay there and be quiet.

You hear that, Warrior?

We're going to have a moment of silence for about four minutes.

For the milkman.

Just to piss you off.

We're going to play stuff, man.

I know.

Come on.

We're going to do something.

We'll be right back after this.

It's 12-23, Friday the 30th of March.

It's too doggone late.

Got to testify.

Come up in the spot, let the extra fly.

For the day I die, I'm going to test this guy.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

Don't tell me 40,000 people are coming here.

They're not here.

It might help if I unmuted the mic.

Madhouse Radio is back.

check it check it out on talk shoe.com yes talk to you.com madhouse live.com and all the other

ones you can find there yourself milkman are you there will milkman talk hey milkman's here

back all right milkman yeah man oh shit we got to go to the store and get me some milk

and ice cream oh did you uh-huh see hey we got jen we got jen stewart on the line hang on hang

Oh, did we hang up on Jim? No, we didn't hang up.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hang on. He's on the line, folks.

Told you, 1230 on the dot.

Ben Stewart.

Yes, hello, everybody. Hello, good morning.

What's up, man? What's going on?

It's bright and early. Well, it's dark and early.

Yeah, what time is it?

What's going on, man? I'm pissed off, to be honest, with my internet service provider.

I would have been on, but, you know.

So, did you power cycle your modem?

No, there's something wrong on the line, and I called up in India or wherever they keep their fucking thing,

And I said, you know, my net's not working.

They did a line test or whatever, and it turns out there's another fault on the line.

That's the second time in 24 hours.

Wow.

Yeah, I know.

I'm very pissed off.

And they don't do anything overnight because they're only open from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m.

Oh, bollocks.

You're stuck.

You're stuck like Chuck.

That's what we would say.

Yep, stuck like Chuck.

That's right.

So how you been, man, other than that?

How's the week gone?

How's your cycling?

It's all right, thank you.

Yeah.

Yeah, good show on Sunday.

It was interesting.

It'll be another interesting show on this Sunday

because I have a friend coming over from Africa.

South Africa or Africa?

What kind of Africa is this exactly?

South Africa.

Congo.

The Congo?

Yeah, his parents leave from the Congo to Germany.

He's not technically my friend yet,

but he will be on Sunday because that's when he's coming.

Okay.

Well, good luck with that.

He'll be doing the show with me, I hope.

Good luck with that.

I hope so.

I hope it works out for you, man.

It should be very interesting.

Now, are we making prank calls this evening?

Absolutely, yes, we are, sir.

Let me get that in order here.

I hope somebody's ripping the string, because obviously I can't if I'm not online.

No, sure, I got it, I got it.

What do we got here?

We've got in Guam, the island of Guam, we've got the Paradise Fitness Center.

I'm going to guess it's some kind of gym.

You want to try that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, cool.

We'll do that then.

Hang on, folks.

Jim Stewart is here doing a call with Brad back after this.

Hi there, fitness.

This is Alexis speaking.

How may I help you?

Who is speaking?

My name is Alexis.

Alexis? Alexis, is that a porn star? Hello? Hello? Yes, Alexis. Alexis, listen. I am interested in your gym equipment. Hello? Alexis? Yes, I'm interested in your gym equipment. I have a gym equipment here myself. It's a rather interesting machine. I don't know if you can hear that. It's a rather interesting machine. It has about 50 to 60 kilos on it. I was wondering if I could sell it to you. Through the post, I'll send it to you, and then we'll trade.

Wait, I'm sorry. I can barely hear you, sir.

Yes, I don't know why that is. Perhaps you should listen more.

Sir, I have a piece of equipment here that I'd like to sell to you.

Okay.

Yes. How do you feel about that, sir? Would you like to purchase it? Fifty kilos of weight?

I'm not really the one to decide that.

Yes.

You'd have to speak with our supervisor.

Your supervisor? Put him on the phone.

Hello?

Yes, put him on the phone.

Yes, one moment. Let me check it.

Yes, that's absolutely fine. Yes.

Splendid. Yes.

Of course. Now we're on hold.

I love the British deal.

This music.

It's better than that.

It's better than the Chinese one we got in Hong Kong.

They were playing like American music, too.

Yeah, that's right.

We're playing the Pops.

Your call was important.

I get to get a PBX box for this place.

You know what that is?

So we can put people on hold like a real radio show.

Bring them on, like, on here.

We got to get, yeah, we got to design the PBX box for the show.

We can try another number if you don't want to wait.

Yeah, we can.

We can.

You're right.

Very good.

Very good point, Jen Stewart.

Hang on.

Jazz music.

Hello, Juliet.

Yes.

Good heavens.

I have a gym equipment here.

I have a home gym.

I'd like to sell it to you.

A who?

A home gym. It's second hand, but it's in splendid condition. I can demonstrate for you. Here we go. There's about 40 to 50 kilos on there right now. I haven't counted, but here we go. Ooh, yeah. Ooh, good. Can you hear it? Can you hear it? It's a very, very powerful home gym, and I'd like to sell it to you. It's in splendid condition. Absolutely marvelous. We have a packed deck, butterfly. Listen, could I sell it to you or not?

It's got a fantastic lat pulldown. I can pull the lat down. Listen, I don't think it's possible with one hand.

Oh yes, it is possible with one hand. It's fucking heavy. Quite heavy.

Madam?

Hello?

Yes, hello. Could I sell it to you or not?

Let me go ahead and transfer you to our front counter. One moment.

Fucking run around.

Alright, fuck it. Try another number.

Hang on, let's see if we can get someone else though.

Here we go.

I'm Paradise Fitness, Carter speaking. I can help you.

Who are you? Who are you? Who, who are you?

Paradise Fitness in Aganya.

Who?

Paradise Fitness in Aganya.

No, you've dialed the wrong number.

Sorry?

Sir, you've dialed, sir, shut up. You've dialed the wrong number.

This is, this is Graf Dracula.

Uh, I think you called here, sir.

No, no, no, no, no. My phone rang. I picked up, you silly man.

You called me.

Is this Aaron?

What, what do you want?

Is this Aaron?

Yeah.

No, this is, this is Graf Dracula.

Sir, what do you want?

Uh, sorry sir, I think there's been a misunderstanding.

We do professional penile implants. Are you interested?

You know, I am interested. Could you tell me a little more about that?

Well, basically, we shove a pipe down your penis.

We enlarge the pipe and your penis gets bigger, and the process,

the urinal tube is able to release more fluid when you urinate.

Uh-huh.

Yes. We also do it with throat.

We also do it with throat.

Boat.

Yes.

And anal, too.

Anal implants.

Anal implants, wow.

Yes, sir.

We have friends on planet Zong that handle that.

Okay.

They basically come and pick you up in a big spaceship so that it looks legitimate.

So how can I make an appointment for this?

Oh, basically, you come over to London, and then you come to my studio, and then I do everything here.

So I just have to go to London?

Absolutely.

What day would you like to come over?

I'm thinking tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

What time?

possible. What time? Tomorrow, um, about 8 o'clock in the morning. Good. Fantastic. The

address is 10 Downing Street. I'm sorry? 10 Downing Street is the address. 10 Downing

Street? Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely splendid. So what are you after, a penile

implant or an anal implant, or perhaps the throat? You know, I think I'm just going to

get the works and get both, you know, I'm out as well, right? That's three, that's the

throat too, don't forget about the throat. Oh, of course not, yes, all three. Yes, all

All three. So you're having the throat, the anus, and the penis.

Yes, sir.

Good. It's a trio. Ménage à trois.

So come over tomorrow, 10 Downing Street, and I'll give you the work.

Full makeover.

Sounds like a date.

You will find shitting, vomiting, and pissing much easier afterwards.

All right.

Okay, there we go.

So, um, Aaron.

Yes, I'm here. I'm waiting for you to say something so that I can say something back.

Excuse me, what happens in the telephone conversation?

What did you want to say?

Was there anything else I can help you with today, sir?

You know, I think that's it.

I'll just see you tomorrow in London at 8 o'clock in the morning.

I will see you there.

10 Downing Street.

What was your name?

Carter.

Carla?

Carter.

Carla?

Carla, yes, yes, Carla.

Carla, good, okay, Carla.

Come tomorrow, okay?

All right.

Goodbye, Carla.

Goodbye.

I'm waiting for you to call out.

What was your name again, sir?

My name is Graf Dracula.

Gravdrakula? Gravdrakula.

Ah, okay, okay.

Okay. Well, it was very nice talking to you.

It's absolutely splendid to talk to you too, sir. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Kevin, Kevin. Kevin, Kevin.

Yes, of course. I'm sorry?

Yes, of course, I said. Yes, of course.

I'm starting to freak you out.

You know, I'm freaking myself out sometimes with the female implant,

but hey, listen, listen. Goodbye, okay?

Okay. Okay.

Okay. It's fine, excellent.

to me. Yes. I'm getting weirded out, seriously. That's okay, Carla. You can talk to me about

it tomorrow morning, can't you? I will see you tomorrow morning. Yes. Okay, Carla? That's

what you do at work, huh? Yes. We do penile implants, anal implants, and the throat. That

must be very interesting. Of course it is. Have you done anybody famous that I know?

No. That is, well, we did George Bush. Bush, huh? Yes. Which one did he have? He had the

works too why he said well it went a little bit wrong that's why he talks a lot of today

ah that makes perfect sense now of course it does yes of course so carla was there anything else i

can help you with you know i think that's about it sir i'm set up for the works i'll see you

tomorrow 10 downing street in london there and i'm going to be looking forward to my implants

absolutely absolutely good yes yes yes all right i think that's about it right yes that is it

Carla, from me anyway. I don't know if you have anything else to say on the matter.

I think that's about it.

That's about it. Okay, then. Goodbye, Carla.

Cheerio.

Cheerio. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Au revoir.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Hello?

Auf Wiedersehen.

Auf Wiedersehen. Ciao.

Hadebra.

What's that last one?

Hadebra. Norwegian.

Okay.

Sayonara.

Yes, goodbye. Listen, hang up, okay?

You hang up.

No, no.

Unfortunately, I can't hang up.

Why is that?

Because I have a physical problem hanging up with this telephone.

All right.

Well, you know what?

Then I'm going to hang up.

You do that.

Have a good day.

Goodbye, Carla.

What a weirdo, man.

He thought you were...

Okay.

Well, I mean, he went on with it.

He thought you were Aaron.

Yeah.

He should have played the Aaron thing.

The what thing?

He kept calling you Aaron.

I guess he thought you were his friend Aaron or a co-worker named Aaron.

I could barely hear what he was saying half the time.

Yeah.

Enter your destination number.

Yeah, the phone's being gay.

Hang on.

We're going to call Rent-A-Husband Lawn and Janitorial Services.

I think I messed it up.

Hang on.

Okay.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

So, again, this is the Rent-A-Husband Lawn and Janitorial Services.

Janitorial Services.

Rent-A-Husband Lawn and Janitorial Services.

This is going to be...

Oh, I got it.

Apply for a job.

Okay.

Because apparently it says that you can rent a man to come mow your lawn and clean your house or something.

You just said Janitorial Service.

No, no, no.

Janitorial.

Oh, Janitorial.

janitorial services all right right okay well i i should have meant you

what do they do um i guess they run out gentlemen to cut your lawn and clean your house

this is run a husband i don't know we'll see

it ain't nothing but a thing though bro

hello hello who is i have human resources calling i'm i need a job i need the wrong number

Oh, I have the right number.

I dialed 777-777, and I got...

No, that's not my number.

It is your number.

Don't mess me around, okay?

I had a long day.

I had a drink, okay?

I just want a job.

You know, the funny thing is, the phone number is like 277-772-something.

Really?

It has a whole bunch of sevens in it.

Yeah, so it kind of came off.

It's kind of like you were right.

You want to try to call him back, or you want to hit another person up?

Let's try somebody different.

Do you have any private numbers?

Private numbers?

People?

No.

Oh, man.

What about hotels?

Do you have any hotels?

I do have hotels.

I've got a hotel in Iceland.

Let's have a hotel.

Iceland.

Are those those Scandinavian ladies you like hooking up with?

Are they from Iceland?

No.

There are nice women in Scandinavia, in Iceland, but I prefer Norway, Sweden.

Okay.

I got my Baltic states confused.

I don't know if they're Baltic states.

Whatever.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Ignore me.

We're going to call Iceland as long as it doesn't tell me we have, like, 40 minutes for the call,

and we'll do it as long as it's not too...

I'm surprised.

We called Hong Kong, and we had four hours worth of minutes to Hong...

Yeah, I'm telling you.

The Philippines sucks, though.

All right, hang on, folks.

Next call's coming up.

Oh, jeez, I don't know.

Good morning, sir.

My name is Jim Stewart.

How are you?

I'm all right.

That's good.

I have reason to believe people are coming to your hotel to commit adultery.

Sorry?

I have reason to believe people are coming to your hotel to commit adultery.

Are you aware that that is a sin?

Yeah.

What's that to you?

Well, what is it to me, sir?

In Christ it is to me.

I feel ashamed that you would do such a thing and you would allow such a thing.

Okay.

Good day to you, sir.

Hold on a second.

Please enter your destination number.

Hang on, we're calling back.

I'm going to make a reservation for adultery and you're going to break it and catch him in the act.

Hello, sir. How far away are you from the airport?

About 45 minutes drive.

Oh, Jesus. Well, I'm trying to get a place away from my old lady.

I just came here to Iceland. I'm new in town. You understand? I'm here visiting.

Where are you?

Well, I'm at the airport, you see, right now, and I'm with my wife.

We're going to check into the hotel, and I'm going to leave for two days here with this flight attendant I met on the plane.

And we're thinking about, you know, committing adultery together.

So I was wondering if I could make a reservation, please.

We are quite full over the weekend.

Oh, when are you going to, what's your next availability?

On Monday.

Okay, well, put me down.

Put you down on Monday?

No, for a room.

Come on.

You got rooms.

You got spaces, right?

Yeah.

Would you, could you please make us during daytime?

No, no.

No, I'll make it now.

Well, I'm quite busy at the moment.

Well, I don't care.

You have, this is America, and you have the, you have the right to give me service right now.

Excuse me?

I said, this is America, buddy.

You understand?

This is America on the phone.

I command you, take my reservation now.

There will be no questions of this.

Nuclear weapons.

And you'll come to Regia on Monday?

I'm the United States, yes.

And what's your name, sir?

Jack Valenti.

Jack.

And how many nights would you like?

I just had a stroke.

Could you write that down there, please?

You just had a...

A stroke, a stroke.

You just had a stroke.

Yes.

And you'll come to Iceland?

Yes, that's right.

To cheat on my wife in your hotel.

That's good for you.

Okay.

Okay to you, sir.

No questions.

Please enter your destination number now.

Oh, yeah, well, at least he hung up.

I guess so.

That's funny.

All right, hang on.

Let's call the hotel Reykjavik.

Cafe Bears.

Hello?

Do you deliver coffee?

Huh?

Do you deliver coffee?

No.

My head hurts.

So bad it hurts.

I drank a little too much yesterday, and now I feel like my head is exploding.

Shoot, it's closed now.

No, please send me a coffee.

I will come and you will open the bar.

No way.

Sorry.

Bye-bye.

Why?

Hello?

I can't believe it.

I'm so stupid I could have to hang up my phone.

Hang on, let me give him a hard time.

Oh, for God's sake.

Okay.

What do you have there?

Cafe Paris.

Assalamu alaikum.

How are you doing?

Wa alaikum assalam.

Yo.

In the name of Allah, all is good.

My brother, I would like to make you a reservation, please.

He still didn't hang it up.

Yeah, it's not really that difficult to hang a phone on.

He's just a moron.

He's so stupid, I couldn't...

He stuffs it in a paper bag.

Milkman said he stuffs it in a paper bag and he throws away the phone.

He throws it away, then he installs a new phone.

He has a whole box full of phones.

Anyway, let me clear the line because he's wasting her time.

We should call Charlie Patton and baptize his telephone.

Man, Charlie Patton.

Sweet kids would send me that number.

Oh, yeah, send it to me real quick, Milkman, if you don't mind.

Man, this sucks, Jim, without you, man.

Get that shit fixed.

Well, I wish I could, but, you know.

We're still in line with Iceland.

I will make plans.

Hey, Iceland.

Hey, kill the card.

Kill it, man.

Yeah, let me kill the card.

Hang on, let me clean that out here.

All right, there we go.

Now this is not costing us.

What numbers have you got there?

What kind of numbers?

What else do I have?

We can't...

Yeah.

It's difficult to prank businesses

because they get pranks all day,

but you haven't got any private numbers at all.

Private numbers.

Let me see if I can find one.

Hang on.

Where is Storm Shadow?

I hear that's that one.

Let me try this one here.

See, I don't have any archives right now.

Everything I have now is a business number, man.

All right, that's okay.

What have you got?

Hang on, what is this one?

I've got an adult entertainment center that was submitted to us.

That's in Canada, that we can call.

Yeah, all right.

Oh, we have two, never mind.

We have two personal numbers, and I'll tell you the stories here.

Hang on, we've got the e-mail bag.

Nice.

That's right, I forgot about the e-mail bag.

Hang on, let me get that ready here.

This is great radio, isn't it?

Okay, we've got Jessica, who lives in Kentucky.

She runs the tennis tournament for some United States Tennis Association, right?

For little kids, little kids.

And when she does the draw, which players are playing which, whoever,

you know, when she figures out who's going to play whoever,

she has a tendency to favor kids from her hometown, and then she manipulates it.

Some kids who already played a match are playing a kid who blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever.

So, basically, she's fixing the tournament to help out people who live in Lexington, Kentucky,

which is where she's from.

Lexington.

Yeah.

And then let's say, say that last year in the Bring It On tournament,

she got Bryce Shelton two buys.

See, this is stuff I wish...

You got what?

Yeah, this is all complicated.

She gave this kid named Bryce Shelton two buys last year in the tournament.

Shelton.

Bryce Shelton.

All right, okay.

Okay, the premise is that you are a USTA official who has heard complaints of these activities

and you can bust her balls.

That's what the guy is asking you to do.

All right, so I'm a USTA official who lives in Lexington, Tennessee.

Kentucky.

Lexington, Kentucky, yeah.

Kentucky, right.

And what's it called?

Bryce Shelton last year.

Right.

Bryce Shelton did what?

He cheated?

No, she gave him free passes into the next round.

Free passes.

Yeah, this lady, Jessica Morris,

she's in charge of setting up the tournaments for this little tennis tournament.

And then she keeps favoring people from where she's from.

Okay.

All right, okay.

So really, she hates being held accountable for her acts, as the guy said.

So there you go.

I think this will make you happy, Jen, and hopefully she will answer, right?

She does.

There it is.

And window too, because it's getting noisy out there.

I hear that.

And MST3 Clay says that he is ripping this for you, just so you know.

Thank you.

Great.

All right, hang on, everybody.

Just one moment.

What's your name?

Jessica Morris.

Hello.

Hi, can I speak to a Jessica Morris, please?

Yes, speaking.

I'm sorry to disturb you at this hour, madam.

My name is Jin Soor.

I'm calling from the United States Tennis Association.

Yes.

How are you?

We had a complaint that you gave away free passes to a bright Shelton into the next round.

I'm sorry, what?

You gave away free passes to a bright Shelton into the second round or third round.

I can't understand you.

You gave away free passes to a bright Shelton, is that correct?

I gave away free passes?

That's correct, madam.

You made a biased decision.

It's against the law to cheat, madam.

Sorry, I can't understand you.

It's against the law to cheat.

Do you understand?

And we have reason to believe that you're cheating.

I don't understand what you're talking about.

Ma'am, why is this difficult?

Why are you making this difficult for me?

Who did you say you are?

My name is Jim Stewart. I'm calling from the United States Tennis Association.

Where is your office located this hour?

In Lexington, madam.

Okay.

Okay. So can you confirm that this is true, madam?

First of all, this is inappropriate. There is no USDA office in Lexington.

Well, there is, ma'am, and I'm in it.

Well, that may be, but I think you're very weird to call me at the hour.

Well, I'm sorry to call at this hour. I would have called earlier, but I couldn't get through.

Can you tell us about the biased decisions that you make?

I mean, you know, this is to stop, or you could lose your job, Ms. Morris.

I don't have a job. I'm a volunteer.

I see.

So, good night.

You will lose your position, ma'am.

Okay, good night.

Okay.

Please enter your destination number now.

That wasn't as good as I'd hoped it would be.

No, but it was still good.

What's the other number you're supposed to have?

Is Missouri's internet broken still?

No, I'm just like, we're out here fixing it.

Man, they get to play frying, size of frying, frying town.

Hey, man, I got a dog, I got a dog pounder.

You want to call one last one here?

Boy, you said you had a second private number.

Look in the G-Talk.

Charlie Patton.

Do you know of Charlie Patton, Jen Stewart?

No, but it'll be good.

He's never heard of him.

He's, you know what a hypochondriac is?

Uh, no.

Okay, that's a person who keeps faking illnesses for attention, basically.

And he's one of those people.

And, uh, just the culmination of all this.

at one point I called him

as a Catholic priest

and I told him that I was blessing

I had him draw a bath full of water

and I

said a prayer and I made it holy water

and I had him drop his

cordless phone into the phone

into the tub full of water

to cure him

and he did it

we heard it all over the air

he dropped it in and it crapped out

wow

that is impressive

he's a moron

So if you'd like to call him, here he is, Charlie Patton.

Okay.

All right, he just married Pamela Patton.

He just recently married, okay?

Okay.

Good luck.

He's been dying from cancer for about ten years now.

He's been dying from cancer for ten years.

He's had, like, two heart attacks.

Oh, that's good, that's good.

I'll let him call.

Charlie Patton.

Hello?

Hello, is Charlie about, please?

May I ask your name?

This is Jim Stewart, madam.

I'll give you a turn.

Thank you.

Hello.

Hello, is that Charlie?

Yeah, this is Charlie.

Charlie, listen, my name is Jim Stewart.

Father Carlito gave me your number.

Listen, I heard you needed babysitting.

Is that correct?

Are you being babysat at the moment?

Me?

Yes.

No, I ain't being babysat.

You're not being babysat.

Well, I could babysit you, sir,

because I'm a professional babysitter,

and I do that for, you know.

Good heavens, that's rather good.

Hello?

She's gone.

Oh, good lord.

Let's try them again.

Should we bring it back?

Yeah, hang on.

Let's wait for the ring back real quick.

Hang on.

Enter your destination number now.

There it is.

There's the babysitting thing.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

30 minutes, 4 seconds.

Before deduction of applicable fees and charges

as listed on the back of your card and poster.

Maybe you can help him out.

Hello?

I is, oh, this is not Charlie again.

Could I speak to Charlie again?

I'm sorry.

I think we got 50 nexus.

Okay, may I ask who's calling?

Yes, I told you the first time. My name is Jim Stewart.

Jim Stewart?

Jim Stewart, yes, that's correct, madam.

Could you get him for me?

Pardon?

Could you get him for me, madam?

Do you have the right, Charlie?

Yes, of course, madam. Yes, of course. Yes, of course.

Father Carlito gave me the number.

Who?

Father Carlito. He's a specialist in curing illnesses.

I need to speak to Charlie because, you know, I can help him.

Help him with what?

Help him with his problems.

I don't know.

You're not aware that he has problems?

Yes, I'm aware he has problems, but what do you do?

I'm a professional babysitter, but I also do healing.

I have spiritual healing, and what we do is we meditate,

and then we masturbate, and then we are cured.

Don't call this number ever again.

Why not?

They're not ahead of that.

Jim, we're going to wrap up the show, man.

Yeah, all right, man.

Thanks for calling in, man.

Somebody will send me the show, I hope

We will, you did very well

You did very well tonight

That's right

And it's jinstuart.com, right?

Alright, man

Take care, man

Alright, Jen

Jen Stewart, Sunday lunch

1pm

Sunday lunch with Jen Stewart

That guy is hilarious

Did you see your G-Talk there, Milkman?

Did you see what I sent you in G-Talk?

I'm trying to.

It was so long, I'm trying to scroll up.

Oh, okay.

That's pretty sad.

Pretty sad news.

I don't know if I should give it out over the air.

I think I'll let someone else handle it.

I don't know what happened.

Well, because it's likely to change anyway.

Why?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And we won't make an issue of it, but it's a horrible, horrible event that's going to be happening here soon.

And this person will be missed.

Anyway, so, Milkman, we end the show.

show. Will, thanks for being in here.

No problem, man. Great night.

Great show. Milkman, well done.

We have to thank TalkShoe.com.

TalkShoe.com, that's right.

Remember to go to MadHouseLive.com.

Milkman, take us

out of here, man. Hey, man, I just wanted

to thank everybody for tuning in.

We love having y'all right here in the

Madhouse, especially all our new friends over

at TalkShoe.com.

Hope you guys had as much fun as we did.

Definitely tune in next week

because we'll have some more insanity

And he's here from the Madhouse.

I'd like to thank everybody that called in tonight.

Jonathan, our old long-standing friend of the Madhouse.

And we heard from some new friends.

DJ Foodstamp, famous caller from the past.

Frank Collier, thanks a lot for calling in.

Everybody else that called in there, Donovan and whoever else.

Thanks a lot for sending those numbers in.

We enjoyed it.

Everybody in the chat, TCU, TCR, talks to you wherever the heck you may be.

Sweet kisses and love you.

and it's all about you the listeners thanks a lot

but if it wasn't for you we wouldn't do it

it's our dime and we give you

our time tune in next week

right here in the madhouse

back to you big Carlito

well well well

well I'd just like to say I've had a great week

and I've had a great show tonight

put your high dial in

yeah yeah

255555

yeah that's right

I'm a very bad driver but hey it worked out

the guy was kind of funny when I dialed him incorrectly

you know

again guys

you want to visit us over at madhouselive.com

again that's

the website

is madhouselive.com

subscribe to the podcast

there will be an update to the podcast this weekend

with three new episodes

I'm doing three episodes at a time

sign up for talkshu.com

download it

that's right

and then subscribe to the podcast

right

the CD is coming out

The CD's coming out.

That's right.

That, too.

We're floundering here.

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What about your big fat ass?

How's your fat ass doing?

Yeah, that CD's going to come out one day.

You know, it's, yeah.

Yeah.

The CD will come out one day.

I've been planning it for like a year now.

Anyway.

We got a free pair of worn underwear from Carlitos.

Including the TV autograph.

You got to do something.

Jeez, man.

Good point.

Thanks, Warrior.

The Warrior had some weird...

Lonesome Loser, man.

Storm Shadow.

God love you, Storm Shadow.

Yeah.

Lonesome Loser.

You know, we're nothing without you, man.

We're nothing without you.

Well, here's the deal.

Here's the deal.

He said it's okay for me to announce

that Lonesome Loser is saying here

that pretty soon, within the next

within the next few

I don't know, it could happen any day

within the next few, by next month

apparently, he is not going to be around

for shows anymore because of his new work schedule

so we're going to be losing

who I think is the most important part

of this show for so long now

He is the integral

integral part

That's a big loss for everybody

everybody. So that's a loss for

everybody on PCU, PCO,

wherever you're listening. Man, you guys better start

doing your homework. Yeah, I mean,

yeah. You're going to have to

contribute to the show with

your time and your interest.

So Storm Shadow has done nothing

but give us all that for many,

many years. It's going to be a lot tougher to do

this show because now we're going to have to somehow

research numbers every week

before we do the show. Everyone

in Prank Radio is going to be

feeling that. That's a big

we're not going to comment much on it

that's between him that's his personal business

we're going to miss him hopefully it's not

permanent hopefully we have

him for some time still

I'm sure the rest of the guys

Katie Kane Dr. Obago and Zola will all have

their own things to say about that we'll let them

take care of it it is none of our business

but Lonesome Loser is our business

though and thank you for everything you've done in the last

two years of the show man

we couldn't have done it without you that's for sure

wouldn't it be as good as it was without people like you

you so you're the man we're out of here folks paper you rock yes all your iterations we're

out of here folks we'll catch you next week have a good weekend madhouse live.com

Calls (16, 45 min of 1 h 34 min)

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