2007-05-03 Show

And who plays?

What happens in America?

Well, we steamed your ass in World War II.

What do you have to do?

We never did.

And who helped you out just now?

You piss off, woman.

Don't talk to me like that.

We don't need you anyway, bitch.

God, fuck you.

Call me a stinky, stinky fucker.

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

PowerCycle, your modem, everybody.

Take a big shit.

On your cell.

My mic is falling down.

Want to trade up?

I don't know.

I want my mic.

It has sugar aids on it.

Sugar aid.

Sugar AIDS.

Is that what you're calling it now?

That's what I've been calling it for a while.

Sugar AIDS.

We got Sugar AIDS, everybody.

We're here.

Madhouse Radio has returned after a month of hiatus.

We are so sorry, y'all.

Sorry.

A lot of that went on.

A lot of stuff happened while we were gone, Will.

Yeah.

Things got out of control in the world.

I understand we're at war now with Iraq.

Again.

For a second time.

Jack Valenti died.

Aw.

You know who Jack Valenti was?

Yeah.

He's dead.

yeah yeah he's died poor jack valentine and uh some other people died in vermont

virginia or something i don't know so yeah this is gonna really kill me tonight this mic

put it on your head i need that yeah my head yeah you're right i don't need that put it not on there

put it on here throw that well it's fixing my mic

my head's too fat hang on you got a big fat head i do don't just say a big head we're gonna have

have to invest in some man i would bring in the hot shit i've seen the hot shit of the new mics

man how about i just give you 20 30 and just get them yeah i could but i think they're 30 bucks

each how about that how about the people listening get them huh yeah y'all gotta donate what have

you done for me lately yeah so we're here madhouse radios here uh carlito hi milkman say hi milkman

What's up, man?

What up, Milkman?

Long time no hear from.

Free Willie.

Free him up, man.

Will, how you doing?

Yeah, Will is free tonight.

Oh, you are?

I'm free.

I don't charge anything.

Oh, yeah?

Okay.

Good to know.

That's three-finger Willie.

Three-finger Willie.

Five.

Get it right.

Five.

No, it was four-finger Freddy.

That was a one.

And the five, the fifth finger was for the dirty.

girls free finger williams yeah willie has uh big fingers bigger than reclutes

so that's what happens okay he's got like three pepperoni sticks there

pepperoni sticks i only have one pepperoni stick yeah he's got three hot dogs no no no i just have

one i just want no i'm just ask my girl ask my girl which one i got you got hot dog fingers

i'm saying whose touch is that a cat stubs you got like cigarillos cigarillos

damn so yeah here we are we're gonna do a show or we're gonna attempt to it's been a while so

bear with us if we tell your friends tell a friend tell a neighbor tell an enemy text message all

your friends tell them to listen up we won't pay for all the text messages send as many as you want

yeah it's not on us it's your problem not ours wow we got a lot of numbers here already from

lonesome loser man oh he's back oh he's here he's not going anywhere oh i thought we lost him no

No, he stayed.

He came back?

He changed his ship?

No, we got a contract extension.

Look for the Scottish numbers, Eric Carley.

Scotland.

I got a tip for some good Scottish numbers.

Oh, hell yeah.

We got some England numbers here.

We got, look at that.

We got a Wimpy's hamburger in California.

Wimpy's.

Isn't that that place from Popeye's?

Yeah, Wimpy's was the guy that always wanted to steal people's money for a hamburger on Thursday.

He never paid people back, that Wimpy.

Then Popeye kicked his ass.

Then he started his own restaurant called Blimpy's.

Now he does.

Blimpy's.

That's a win.

That's a difference.

That's a big difference, Milkman.

All right, so other than that, if you want to reach us here tonight,

the toll-free line will be open in a moment.

And I just opened the torrent here for some reason, my bad.

And again, that number is 888-896-8939.

What the hell number was that you just gave us?

I don't know.

No, that's for the phone card.

Don't we have any more numbers?

Damn.

I know I had a bunch of eights in it, man.

I messed it all up.

Eight, eight, eight.

Eight and eight.

Hey, that sounds like a third and gen stir call.

Debbie, Debbie.

Yeah.

What you guys don't realize is when Jim was on, what was it, three weeks ago?

Yeah.

Three weeks ago.

When he was subbing for us, yeah.

Yeah, that was me patching all them calls through to him.

Yeah.

The suicide hotline.

Okay.

Will's being nefarious.

I heard you on the air that night, too, man.

Yeah, man.

It was good.

I was messing with him because he was like, oh, he was having a little bit of a problem.

So I just wanted to go mess with him.

Excuse me.

He was doing a good show.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, hey.

Well, hey, guys.

If you want to reach us here tonight, the toll-free line is actually 888-278-8509.

Again, the toll-free line tonight on our dime brought to you by Pabst Blue Ribbon.

That is 888-278-8509.

Milkman, you ever drink a Pabst Blue Ribbon?

Oh, my gosh, man.

Yeah, that's some old-time stuff, boy.

Yeah, it reminds me of back in the old days

where we went out and ran a whole lot.

Yeah.

Back then, I was like Milk Boy.

Milk Boy.

Wow, Dairy Boy back then.

Now he's the Milkman.

Yeah, then he got a hold of some.

I wasn't even driving yet.

We started hunting.

I started hunting when I was five years old.

Dude, what do you hunt?

Quail?

Oh, man, deer.

Oh, you name it, man.

I bet he used to hunt.

I hunted quail, deer, fox, rabbit.

Hunt snipers for hours on end.

Snipe?

Oh, God.

Coons.

Coons?

Oh, yeah.

I used to take people out snipe hunting.

We'd take them to the city checkers out there.

Take them out snipe hunting.

Give them a bag.

Get right here, man.

You'll know when they come.

You'll pull up in the bag.

My seventh grade teacher had me do that.

We'd leave them shits out there for about hours, and they'd be freaking out out in the middle of nowhere.

Trying to find a snipe.

What the hell's a snipe?

Yeah.

Hit that in Boy Scouts.

They did that to us.

Yeah, we're going to go snipe hunting.

go hunting they're like you know what do we use they gave us a bunch of sticks like what

they're like hit these feathers hit these leaves over here get some snipe we're like

you're sitting here snipe snipe leave your ass out about a mile from nowhere

i did that subsequent a teacher had us out there for like an hour we were like

ain't nothing coming out what's the point of that is there a moral of that story no it's

to mess with you man that's stupid no it's just it's just like you know whenever you know you're

We're teaching people about radio.

You're going to say, we need some frequency grease over here.

Frequency grease?

Yeah, prop grease.

You never heard of that?

I actually bought some of that.

They do that to people that start off in a plane job.

They'll go get some prop wash.

There's no such thing as prop wash.

People go around looking for it.

Yeah, and Albert Sims, like...

Like when he was working in the TV business,

where he'd, like, climb the towers.

They'd say, you know, put your skyhooks on.

Put your skyhooks on.

Put the clouds.

Oh, my God, dude.

Yeah, when I used to work at a grocery store, they used to have one.

They'd say, go rotate those boxes.

They used to tell us, rotate the boxes.

I'd be like, oh, I'm going to rotate the boxes.

I'd be sitting there pulling out boxes and moving them around, and they'd be laughing at me.

And then they'd say, yeah, now we need you to go to all the salad dressings and shake them all.

To mix them up again, because they've been sitting on them for too long, you know?

You need to be proper emulsification level.

Yes, they need to be nice and homogenized.

All right, we're going to have to talk to Jonathan here because he's blowing up our spot tonight, man.

I mean, Jonathan's like, redial, redial.

Start with nine.

I got to keep calling, talk to Carlito.

Holy shit, we're going to do a call.

He's calling in, damn.

Jonathan.

What's up, Carlito?

Jonathan, you're very excitable tonight.

How are you doing, man?

I'm okay.

I'm here down in Panama City.

I'm on vacation.

Panama City spring break.

Wooooo! Show us your titties!

I see some titties.

How many beads you got, man?

I got a whole bunch.

Yeah, show them titties. He's been flashing.

He goes like, he goes, look at his, look at his.

Look at my monkey.

Uh, we're okay. We're starting the show.

So you can't hear the show, you're just calling in, huh?

Wow.

Jonathan, Jonathan, man.

So how long are you, isn't this guy on vacation like every other week or something?

I'm going to take her back to the stables and start milking her now.

Yo, I swear, bus driving is getting paid.

What are you, $3,000 a month driving a bus?

Get your own ride, get vacations every other week.

He's taking trips to Orlando.

He's always at Disney and stuff, eating steak.

I need to become a bus driver.

Yeah, Jonathan doesn't even chicken anymore.

All steak.

Steak and salmon, that's all he eats now.

Or salmon.

What's wrong with the chicken?

They got mad chicken disease now?

Hey, the good part is the substitute bus driver that's taking over my road,

he don't have my regular bus because my regular bus is in the shop, so he's got a spare bus.

I thought you got a new bus, though.

I did. It's in the shop for some warranty work on it.

Oh, okay. That's good.

Well, good. You don't want him messing up your radio settings and all that, you know, changing your channels and stuff.

It's also getting that air door fixed on it. It's opening and closing too slow.

So how do you identify yourself on the bus?

Are you like Breaker Breaker 109 or something?

What's your candle on that?

Well, we go by the bus number, which is my bus number, 695.

You should just say 69.

69-5.

That's what I'd say.

5-5.

This is 69-5.

Jonathan.

Jonathan isn't having it, man.

He's in a good mood, though.

So are you drinking pina coladas and stuff, I'm sure?

Drinking?

Oh, yeah.

All right, man.

Well, have fun.

Behave yourself.

Hey, what's that guy called, Cheese Boy, tonight?

Uh, I don't know. Do I have his number on me?

Do you have the, uh, you're not on the computer.

I think we have it in the archives. I could try.

Uh, I'm on the computer. I'm out in my hotel room.

Well, hell. Well, message is on, big guy.

Send us a message. All right.

You should send me on the messenger.

Yeah, I did. You're right. You're on Yahoo. That's right. That's right.

So, well, yeah, send me Cheese Boy's number, and we'll call him.

Hopefully he's in a better mood than he usually is.

He doesn't ever want to pick up for us, man, but we'll try to call him.

I called him to do a prank call, and he cussed me and Jonathan out.

You and Jonathan out?

Yeah.

All right, man.

Say hi to all your fans right quick.

We're going to move on.

I would like to say hello to all my fans and listeners,

and I hope you all have a great weekend.

All right, man.

You, too.

Have a blessed weekend, man.

You, too.

All right.

Be careful with those sharks in the water and all that.

All right.

Don't wear any jewelry in the water.

That attracts them.

All right, man.

That's Jonathan, everybody.

Jonathan, check it in.

There you go.

Yeah.

Watch out for the snipe shit.

Be careful of the penis fish.

The penis fish and the snipe fish, too.

The snipe fish will get you.

It bites your knees.

What, Chinese?

Chinese.

The dirty knees snipe fish.

I want to ride the short bus.

Aw, man, don't make fun of the short bus.

I used to ride the short bus.

Leave me alone.

It's my favorite bus.

I used to like to sit in the back row where the girl in the wheelchair used to pull on my hair.

I thought it was so sexy.

Really?

Check your fun when you go to the wheelchair hotel.

Hey, this can't be good.

You know what just happened here?

I took the label off the cigar I'm smoking, and I'm looking at the skin of the cigar now.

It's dry.

Oh, no.

You bought it dry.

Yeah, but no, look at that.

It's got like the ink off the label bled onto the cigar.

No, it's not.

Yeah, it says Corona right there.

That's just the way that the...

You think that's okay?

And that won't poison me, will it?

No, I'm telling you.

It's damn cheap.

No, no, it's an impression.

That's not...

Oh, it's an impression.

Because they stamp it.

Oh, okay, good.

And it's been dried out.

You better watch out with those Nicaraguan cigars, man.

They get you.

It's not a Cuban cigar.

All right, we got...

What's his face?

Jonathan sent us Cheese Boy's number, so we'll call him shortly.

All right, man.

If you want to reach us here on AOL Instant Messenger, or any messenger for that matter,

listen up, write down the following...

Do it now!

Do it now.

That was very loud.

That's okay.

Yahoo Messenger, Madhouse Radio.

Yeah, Madhouse Radio on Yahoo Messenger.

On AOL Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio as well.

AOL Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio.

And MSN Messenger is Madhouse Radio Online at hotmail.com.

That is how you get a hold of us there.

And again, the toll-free line is 1-888-278-8509.

We're going to be doing pranks here in just a moment.

We're just going to recap some stuff real quick and move on.

I pulled some articles here for you guys to listen to.

First of all, Milkman and Will.

We got a prank call related article out of Japan that came out today.

A taxi driver was arrested for making 667 prank calls to the police in one night.

How do you make so many before you get caught?

Between 12.30 p.m. and 6.30 p.m.

Damn, son.

On February 16th, a taxi driver named Sakai called the Metropolitan Police Department

667 times on his mobile phone without justifiable reason, thereby obstructing police business.

And he was quoted as saying, this is Sakai speaking, I'm not calling you over any crime

or accident, he was quoted as saying.

What the hell, what was he doing?

Why would you go and tell him, I am not prank calling you?

Yeah, I'm not, I don't have an emergency, I just want to call and bother you.

Yeah, okay, asshole.

So he got arrested.

He gets what he deserves.

That's Japan.

And Milkman's Japanese.

He's about a brick or two shy of a full load.

Probably.

You know, Milkman's half Japanese, so probably in his family.

I heard that there was another death related to pranks.

Did you hear about that?

No.

Some lady died from a prank related to a prank, had a heart attack.

Somebody sent me a message about that.

Holy shit.

What happened?

What was the prank about?

Any idea?

I don't know exactly what the prank was, but they pranked this old lady,

and she ended up dying.

Oh, Nunu.

I'm sure he'll know.

All right, Nunu.

Let us know.

Update us there, Nunu.

Nunu from the BBC.

Yeah, right.

Send us in, post it in the chat.

Yeah, please.

And I'll make sure everybody finds out about it.

Let us know about that breaking news right there.

It's very...

Gum, gum, gum.

Gum, gum, gum, gum.

All right, hey, other news here.

I don't know, Milkman,

did you see what happened in L.A. on May the 1st?

No, I didn't, man.

I was busy working.

Well, on May the 1st,

there was a huge, all over the country,

but mainly in Los Angeles,

There was some peaceful protest for immigration reform, and apparently the LAPD wasn't really cool about it, though,

because they ended up firing non-lethal weaponry into crowds of women and children who were already leaving.

They also beat up, there's a video, and I saw the video, and I was pretty appalled.

They were beating up television crews who were out there filming the whole thing.

And even the chief of police, Police Chief William J. Bratton from the Los Angeles PD,

LAPD said Wednesday that the public has an absolute and unqualified right to expect and demand an aggressive review of what happened.

So, apparently they fired over 240 rounds of non-lethal rubber bullets into the crowds.

And they even knocked over, they were pushing children, elderly people, mothers with their babies and beating up on the media.

LAPD sucks ass.

They are assholes.

And I saw the video of it and it's just appalling.

Rubber bullets and salt.

And I'm going to tell you, I mean.

Rubber bullets still hurt.

This is not non-lethal.

This is less than lethal.

It'll still kill you if you hit the right spot.

And if you don't forget, when the Red Sox won the World Series, there was a riot in Boston.

And a young lady actually died because she got shot in the eye with one of these rubber bullets.

They are not, you know, to be played around with.

And these cops were not being...

She tried to do fellatio on the thing, man.

It was not in the eye.

She choked on it, trying to perform fellatio on it.

Fellatio?

Fellatio, but yeah, whatever it is.

Whatever it takes.

Palacio, Palacio.

Who's counting?

I call it good old dick sucking, but whatever, man.

So that's violence in L.A.

Good for them.

Rage Against the Machine, probably one of my favorite bands in history,

has reconvened over the weekend at the Coachella Music Festival.

They came together and they renounced President George Bush.

I'm going to play a little audio of that right now.

Now this is Rage Against the Machine together for the first time in like seven years.

Here it goes.

Saying that every president from Chumanon should have been hung and shot.

We'll continue here.

There you go.

The current administration should be hung, tried, and shot according to Zach De La Rocha or De La Roca.

I don't know how you pronounce it, the last name.

Well, yeah, that's Rage Against the Machine.

Apparently they're back and there's a perfect time for them to come back the way the political climate is in this country.

Also, apparently...

Yeah, man, I like it.

They've got some great ideas.

It's too bad that Jim Stewart isn't around,

but apparently Tony Blair announced that he's going to be stepping down

and resigning in the next few weeks because nobody likes him.

He's very unpopular.

I thought he said he wasn't going to step down.

Jim Stewart had a big hand in that.

Yeah, I think they did.

They really mobilized and pulled through on that.

And the last news, Art.

You know, I heard the other night on Art Bell that he was abducted by aliens

and a UFO and carried off, and then when they brought him back,

He started uttering this, I'm going to resign.

I'm going to resign now, baby.

Yeah, is that Crazy Fucker call that in?

Crazy Fucker's a regular guest on our bell from back in the day.

It probably was him.

Hello.

Hey, Will, how you doing?

Oh, yeah, me too.

Cool, man.

Will's on the phone with someone else on the internet radio.

Ooh, watch out.

Speaking of internet radio, real quick.

Have you got that Scottish number handy?

I don't know it yet.

I don't know.

Speaking of internet radio, real quickly, though,

I just want to let you know I've been talking in the past about this,

It's the U.S. Copyright Royalty Board who's passed down legislation that's pretty much going to kill Internet radio.

So it shows like Madhouse Radio, Zolar Vision, Dr. Lego, KDK, whoever you listen to are in threat of being kicked off the air because it's not going to be affordable anymore.

Well, the problem being on May 15th, we're probably going to get shut down.

Now, luckily, we have been granted a chance, an extension by the U.S. Congress until July,

until the end of July for the final word to come through, July 15th to be exact.

So we have an extra two months on top of what we thought earlier.

So if you are able to, please, please, out of the kindness and goodness of your heart, if you can,

be sure to go to websites like savenetradio.org, savenetradio.org, and get involved.

You know, write your congressman, call your congressman.

We're going to call my congressman here in a moment, Representative Rick Keller of the what district?

I think I'm in the 8th District of Florida.

We're going to call right now, leave a message with our, you know, requesting our support.

His support, rather, for the Internet Radio Equality Act is what it's called.

And it's going to be.

How did that go anyway?

There's an extension.

Instead of May 15th, they're going to give until July 15th.

and hopefully the Internet Radio Quality Act will pass.

I don't think it's going to go through anyway.

There's too many people that do stuff online now.

How are you going to block something that's so big?

That's like saying, you know, we can't breathe the air

because we've got to preserve it for our children.

Yeah, exactly.

What's the point?

There's plenty of air.

There's plenty of room for us to play around, right, Milkman?

We should be able to have our Internet Radio.

They're going to start charging us for oxygen.

There's no reason except that these bastards up there

That already got their damn hands

And everybody's money

Now wants more damn money

And they're going to try to make small budget operations

Like ours and anybody else

Just want to have some damn fun

It's the recording industry

The RIAA

It's the RIAA lobbying

The right people in Congress

To try to get this shit passed

And keep us from being on

These are the same idiots that have this damn DRM shit

exactly and they're suing suing people left and right and forcing universities to block

peer-to-peer networks it's a bunch of ass if you ask me they're gonna start charging us for oxygen

and you're gonna hear a bunch of people going i want to put my air in my mama's name yeah well

hell look look at jim stewart in britain you have to pay a tax to to use a tv no you have to pay a

a tax to own a tv to watch tv to watch tv you have to pay a tax yearly looking for you yeah

they go around look yeah yeah yearly yearly it's something insane too yeah they they see if you

have they know they go around in trucks and they can detect if you're picking up a broadcast and

they and they charge you the tax they can actually get in trouble with they don't just charge you

like a one set fee when you purchase the tv it's annually you got to be fucking kidding me and i

I can say that.

They have to be fined.

Yeah.

And I can say that on the internet.

Fuck the UK with that fucking tax.

Yeah.

Fuck that shit.

And fuck the royalty reward board.

Fuck the RIAA.

All that shit.

So we're going to call Congressman Rick Hiller here real quick.

Independent rules.

We're not going to do a prank.

We're going to have to be respectful to a...

You're going to put that in a silent.

No, man.

This is a serious, serious thing, man.

I mean, seriously, in the next...

Radio in this genre of entertainment and humor that we offer

Really, get serious.

Take a look at the website.

I posted it.

Looked into this Internet Radio Equality Act.

Carlito has been advocating and trying to get people to understand on a public radio station,

a commercial radio station, as well as Internet radio.

So pay attention.

Take a stand.

If you really like it, because it's all going to go.

I want to say what's up to all the people who are involved with my work.

A lot of people listening tonight for the first time.

Welcome, brothers and sisters.

and welcome to all of you who are involved

with the other show that I'm on

which is

I'm on WPRK, I'm the co-host

along with DJ Bagels

I guess her name is, whatever, it's a stupid name

the Freak Geek Radio Show

which is on Monday nights

Tuesday mornings

from 1am to 3am

that I am on the air on regular

legitimate radio, not just

underground stuff

but hey, regardless, we are going to call

that congressman right now, we're going to come back

and knock some pranks out of the water.

It's already midnight.

It's already Friday.

Shit, the weekend's here unofficially.

We'll be right back with the first call of the night.

Hang on, folks.

Back in just a moment.

Chicka-chicka-ow!

Hands, everybody!

If you've got what it takes,

if you want me to step out with another man,

yes, yes.

Give us a shot.

Sir Noonan, Mr. Weasley, man.

There's Chuck.

Hello.

How's it doing?

All at home.

Dirt.

M-S-T-3 Clay.

Yes, man.

Welcome, everybody.

All our friends here.

Sorry we're unable to do this one right now.

Hang on, Milkman.

For a detailed message regarding casework, you can call our district office at 407-872-1962.

Thank you and have a good day.

Hello.

This message is for Representative Rick Keller.

I'm one of your constituents, and my name is Carlito,

and I am the host of Madhouse Radio here on the Madhouse Radio Network.

We're an Internet radio show, and I'm your constituent,

and I'm calling to ask you to save Internet radio by co-sponsoring HR 2060,

which is also known as the Internet Radio Equality Act.

I do not want, what was I supposed to say here?

I'm sorry, Dr. Keller, or whatever.

The Copyright Royalty Board's decision to increase royalty rates for webcasters

is going to turn off my Internet radio, and I do not want that to happen.

I hate that line.

Anyway, look, Keller, I voted for you, and I'm a Democrat.

You're a Republican, whatever.

whatever, you know, it's all good, I still voted for you, because I didn't like the competition,

and I would vote for you again, but it depends on whether or not you, you know, vote for

the internet radio quality, and I got this guy Will here, right, yeah man, you gotta

do it, you gotta help us out, you gotta keep us alive, man, and my other co-host Milkman,

he's in the Virgin Islands, so he can't vote, but he would vote for you if he could, so

that's three votes right there, and there's 300 people listening right now, I got the

proof. So that's 300 voters

and I know you like that money.

So if you want us to be happy

with you, please, all jokes aside,

Dr. Keller,

we would like to stay on the air. We have fun.

We're not a threat to any

recording industry or any artists. Artists

love us. We love artists. And the right

thing to do is give us the ability to stay on

and support

the wishes of your constituents.

Dr. Keller,

goodbye for now. And if you

want to get a hold of me, madhouselive.com

God bless you, sir, and God bless the United States and capitalism, right?

Madhouse Radio, man.

Yeah, man.

All right.

Take care, man.

Just in time, too.

Look at that.

Free will.

He had no job.

Madhouse Radio, man.

I think we might have actually done more harm than good right there, but we tried.

Hey, man, we tried.

Okay, so, yeah, everybody, be sure to go to savenetradio.org.

Savenetradio.org as in organ.

Smoke weed every day.

And that, too.

We didn't mention that for, like, you know.

I don't know why I say that to that guy.

But, yeah, anyway, regardless.

You know what?

We should start the revolution and go ahead and get weed legalized in all 50 states.

Let's make baby steps first, Will.

Let's try to save internet radio first.

Maybe we'll talk about legalizing it.

Colorado's getting there.

They're real close.

Good.

They had, like, over 300,000 signatures to get that, you know.

Yeah, but it's still going to be a federal crime.

So, no matter what.

It's got to be done on the federal level for it to work.

So, yeah.

It'll happen in 20 or 40 years.

Mention that, too, if you call your congressman.

Let them know you want weed weagolized.

Weagolize the weed.

Yes.

Okay.

Here we are.

Let's go.

Prank call time.

Prank call time, everybody.

Who wants some prints?

Yeah, man.

Let's call it for the fuckers.

Okay, okay.

We got a special surprise for you tonight.

What's that?

it will is gonna try to do his first prank call on the airline wow breaking news i'm gonna try i

don't know where i'm gonna go with it what i'm gonna do that's gonna be horrible just don't make

fun of me when i'm done all right so look i got the two numbers in scotland milkman i got three

numbers in scotland we've got the primrose the primrose cottage b&b with the b&b we also have

There's one for twat.

There's one in there for twat or twat.

Twat.

I got John McDonald, and I've got the Scapa Harbor Master Harbor House.

Twat.

I'm looking for the twat or twat.

I don't see it.

There should be one, a village on an island in Scotland called Twat.

Oh, an island called Twat.

Well, hell, that's like the island of Lesbos.

Can I do a patrol Lesbos thing here?

A village on an island in Scotland called Twat.

It's the village of Twat.

Village of Twat.

I'm looking.

I'm looking, man.

I don't know.

I don't see it.

There we go.

Thomas C. Johnson lives in Twat, Orkney Island, Scotland.

Twat.

That's where all the twats at.

That's where I've been messing up, man.

We've got to get over there.

Will, you want to take this one or you want to?

Sure, I don't care.

All right, man.

Open it up, Carl.

I'll open this one up, man.

All right, well, let me open this one up.

Okay, you get it, you get it.

And you see how it's done.

Okay.

Yeah, this is our red glass.

Thomas Johnston in Twat Island, Scotland.

All right, super.

We'll be right back with the first prank call of the night in just a moment.

664.

Hello.

Mr. Johnstons?

Yeah.

Hey, what did you say, number 664?

Aye.

Okay, well, thanks for telling me that.

I really appreciate that, buddy.

You there?

Hey, Johnston.

Johnston, Johnston, you coming in.

How's the signal over there?

All right.

All right, good.

Did I wake you?

Yeah.

All right, I wanted to ask you a question.

We're looking for some support on this new bill that's hitting Congress, you know?

Yeah.

Would you be willing to sign, you know, maybe, you know, sign your support for this petition that we got going around?

It's to save Internet radio.

No, really, no.

What do you mean, not really?

Do you have the Internet?

I don't know.

You don't know if you have the Internet?

Do you have a computer?

Yes.

Okay, could you kindly go over to your computer right now for me, sir?

Well, I don't.

It's nowhere here.

Well, where's your computer at?

Oh, it's nowhere.

This is, I've been in bed.

Can you speak up a little bit, buddy?

Hey, Johnson, horse's ass.

All right, we're going to.

That was.

Please enter your destination number now.

I will.

I'm going to call, instead, we're going to call the Primrose Cottage.

Hello, how's it going?

Hello?

How you going?

Who is this?

I said, how you going?

I'm not going anywhere.

No, not where, how.

Fine.

No, that's not the right answer.

How are you going?

Ma'am?

Hello?

Please don't hang up.

Please.

Please, God.

Please enter your destination number now.

I'm calling right back.

Oh, yeah.

The British have tons of telemarketers.

Jen Stewart used to be a telemarketer, I think.

No, no, no, that other guy.

Hey, who was that other British guy we used to have on all the time?

AMD. AMD, ma'am.

Hey, what's up in Turkey?

Hello?

Ma'am, I'm not trying to sell you anything.

You didn't have to hang up on me, you know.

Hello?

I said I didn't try to sell you anything, and you didn't have to hang up on me.

Who is this, please?

This is Jack Valenti from the United States of America.

Yes, hello.

Okay, I don't know if you ever heard of me, but I'm trying to sell people this petition.

Now, you don't need to send me any money.

I just need your signature, you understand?

I'm not interested.

Well, can you just co-sign on this loan for me, please?

Goodbye.

I need a British loan.

Please.

I'm tired of these British people, or Scottish people, or whatever.

She doesn't even sound Scottish.

Please enter your destination number now.

I'll call John Michael McDonald or whatever his name is.

Hello?

Mr. McDonald, how are you?

Mr. McDonald?

Hello?

I'm sorry, who is this?

I'm looking for Mr. McDonald.

Right.

Okay, so right what?

Well, where is he?

Are you Mr. McDonald?

I am not Mr. McDonald, but it is quarter past five in the morning.

Did I ask what time it was, woman?

Can you please put Mr. McDonald on the phone?

I do not speak to women on the phone at this time of night.

My wife does not allow it.

Why don't you phone back at a civilized time?

I'm hanging up now.

Hey, you shut up and you put a man on the phone.

Please enter your information number now.

Oh, I'm hanging it now.

You do that.

You're going to reflect on what you've done.

Just so you know, I'm just going to put you on hangout.

We're sorry.

Your call, 441, please check the number and dial again.

I missed the 7, okay.

Please enter your destination.

If you knew how hard this job was, Milkman.

You have 8 hours, 22 minutes.

That's got to be nasty what you're drinking.

Before deduction of applicable fees and charges as listed on the basket of cards.

Women, it's better than semen.

She likes that, doesn't she, Will?

Yeah.

Yeah, buddy.

If you don't stop doing this, you are going to be in serious trouble.

It is quarter past five in the morning.

I am not allowing you to speak to anybody in this house.

Ma'am, have you ever heard of diplomatic immunity?

You can't do anything to me that you haven't done already.

I'm not going to let you talk to anybody.

Is that it? Is that all you got?

I guess she's gone. That's it.

She's going to be in serious trouble, everybody.

Piss off.

That's just offensive right there. You don't tell anybody to piss off.

I was going to ask her about the taste of semen.

I'm not going to let you talk to anyone on this horse.

She is so polite.

She pisses off.

We're going to be in big trouble, everybody.

We need to replay that.

Yeah, let me get a replay of that.

Hang on real quick.

Yeah, that's going to be quiet.

Hang on, hang on.

I don't think I can do it in time.

I see you doing it.

Yeah, I was like, who, who, who?

I'm trying to say who.

Who, who, who?

Who's going to do something?

Who are you going to tell?

Are you going to tell my dad?

Don't tell my dad, please.

I'm calling the RIAA on you guys.

I'm going to call

Congressman Rick Keller

and tell him what you've done.

And have you shut up.

No, see, what you don't realize,

I was trying to give him

the Women's Coalition

for Freedom in Iraq.

No such thing.

Or Pakistan or something like that.

I was going to have him call that one.

Here we go.

I guess she's gone.

That's it.

She's going to be in serious trouble, everybody.

We were too late, man.

Too late.

Let me turn the backup feed here

I'm all out

Tell him what you've done

I guess we can't repeat that Milkman

I tried, I was too slow

Too slow man, too slow

Good try man

Put that on as a commercial or something

We'll have to, we're going to be in big trouble everybody

You guys send me the files, I'll go cut them off

And do whatever I got to do

You got your splicer ready?

Yeah, you know what we could do

We always hit up Dr. Hydro.

Dr. Lego?

No, Dr. Hydro.

Who's that?

Oh, that guy.

Dr. Hydro.

Yeah.

Oh, because he's got the whole editing.

He's got all kinds of music stuff, man.

Yeah, that's right.

He wants to get involved with this show.

I'm telling you, we need to get him cutting up and slicing and making sounds.

We'll have to get rid of some of it.

We'll put some of his stuff on there.

We'll get rid of Milkman and put him on.

How's that sound, Milkman?

All right.

Yay.

just to let you know i'm going to hang up on you now please be prepared at the tone

click my husband is a constable constipated constable he's a cop whatever all right how

about we call some numbers here in america we can call wimpy's hamburger we can call the hamburger

wimpy wimpy's hamburger this is in uh california this is in america it's in california they were

were open an hour ago. What time is it in

California? 9.18? They're open, man.

Okay, we'll call the pizza place. This is

the pizza dude. Now, the pizza dude has

to be open. Hey, you got pizza dude?

Dude! Where's your pizza corn in

California? Alright, there we go.

Alright, hang on, folks. We'll be right back. Here's some Rage Against the Machine.

We'll be right back after this.

Next prank all the night in this moment.

I was wondering why I was getting audio on one side.

I was like, what the hell is going on here?

It's trippy, right?

It's like you've stopped something on that one side.

It's usually not on purpose.

This is John. I was looking to speak with your manager.

Call me, please.

This is Jonathan.

Jonathan?

Yeah.

Do I know you, Jonathan?

Yeah, you know me.

Yeah.

You don't remember me? Why not?

Jonathan.

What does that mean?

Jonathan Stiles.

I don't know you.

Yeah, you do. How do you not remember me?

What's that?

How do you not remember me?

I don't remember you. I don't know you, sir.

Okay, well, just put your manager on the line.

I can't speak to girls on the phone.

Go ahead and put a man on the phone.

I'm waiting.

Hello?

I'm still here.

Oh, okay. Well, go ahead and put a man on the phone for me.

Who do you want on the phone?

Your manager.

You must have the wrong number, sir.

No, it's not the wrong number. I called the right number.

I don't know you.

I called the right number, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, okay. Well, yeah, I'm calling the right number. So what do you do there?

Who is this that you're wanting to speak with?

The fucking manager, you baby gorilla. Put him on.

Please, Andrew.

I suck. I told you. I so suck.

I don't know where you're going. You're like, this is Jonathan.

I don't know.

Jonathan.

I told you, I didn't even know what it was.

Jonathan already called me.

Did I call him, like, who you want to talk to?

You were all like, I'm going to do a call.

Well, it was not funny.

I told you, I suck.

It was not funny is what it was.

No, I'm not playing with you.

I'm playing with you, bro.

It's okay.

Is it toll-free line?

Yes, it is.

I got that out of my system.

It wasn't as hard as I thought.

Well, you got to get the first one out.

Hey, we got a request.

I didn't even know that.

Look at that.

Digital Trance.

I sent in a request.

Let's read that real quick here.

Her name is Pauline.

She's Mexican.

There you go.

And she loves John Mayer, the singer.

How does a Mexican love John Mayer?

The local radio station is blah,

and maybe you can trick her into thinking she can win John Mayer tickets

if she does something stupid on air.

It's a suggestion maybe you guys...

I kind of like that idea.

No, no, no.

Have her do a booty call to her boyfriend over the phone.

Ah, yeah, that's right.

Tell her to three-way her boyfriend.

Does she have a boyfriend?

I don't know.

Call that guy

While she gets that on

We can have her fake an orgasm

Yeah yeah

Milkman you're about that

Do you like faking orgasm on the phone

You ever do that before

See I told you he'd be into that

He's all about being dirty

Alright so we'll do that then

We're going to call this chick

Named Pauline

But you know what I got to get that

You got to add it

No I should be able to get the audio over here

Let me set that up real quick

Quick, folks, sing and listen to this, and we're going to do that next prank call in just a moment.

Let's get one of those tones.

Hello, how you doing?

This is Jack Valente with KISS FM 102.7. How you doing?

Not bad. You've just won a contest for John Mayer tickets.

We're wondering if you were interested in doing our phrase that pays for tonight on the air.

If you're available, if we haven't caught you at a bad time.

Are you serious?

No, absolutely not. We're 100% serious. You're right now on 98.6.

98.6.

No.

Are you ready?

Okay, so it's three tickets to the next John Mayer concert.

It's going to be held at Tropicana Field in Tampa Bay.

So you're going to have airfare for yourself and two of your friends.

If you're ready now, you need to pick your level,

either level one, level two, or level three out of the envelope box,

and we'll pull that right now.

Big Will will pull that out right now.

What's up, Will?

We got that going on.

Let's do it.

All right, so pick a number between one and three.

Two it is.

All right, let's see what's in envelope number two, Will.

Will, you have to fake an orgasm over the phone for 20 seconds and you will win the tickets, ma'am.

Okay, now who is this? I don't know who you are.

This is Jack Valente with 98.6 The Mouth.

98.6 The Mouth.

What season is that?

98.6 The Mouth and 102.7 FM.

I have to fake an orgasm for 20 seconds.

20 seconds, yes. You let us know when you're ready and we'll start the clock. Will you do it?

I will so do it. Are you kidding me?

All right, well, let's do it.

20 seconds on the clock, and begin.

Uh, uh, yeah, uh, yeah, um, yeah, uh, uh, mm-hmm, uh.

12 seconds left.

Yeah, uh.

10 seconds left.

Uh.

It's time to climax now, a little doggy style.

Okay, that's time, that's time.

Congratulations.

Where did you learn to do that?

You don't want to know.

I don't want to know.

You don't want to know, or I don't want to tell you about that.

All right, that's fine.

All right, well, hey, thank you very much for being a contestant.

I don't think you cut the mustard, but we will get back to you if you win, all right?

Well, let me just put you on hold.

We're going to get your information, all right?

And then tell everybody where you're listening to us on.

I'm listening to you in Stonewall, California.

98.6.

No.

All right, we're going to put you on hold just one moment.

Are you there?

Yeah.

All right, Pauline.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

That was really crappy.

We're probably not going to have to give you the tickets, but we'll let you know.

Okay, thanks.

All right, we'll keep you in mind.

Hey, do you have a car?

Do you have a car?

You think you can come down to the studio?

No, I'm being serious.

You want the tickets, you're going to have to come down to the studio.

Yeah, I was going to...

All right, well, I might call you back a little later, you know, a little later tonight, though.

98.6 and 102.7.

I got to leave her, boy.

Yeah, 98.6, the mouth, and 102.7.

102.7, isn't that 2.7?

Yeah, sure, yeah, but 98.6 is the HD version of it, you know, HD radio.

Okay, so how did I even get entered in the contest?

I don't know, some dude said, hey, call this chick, and we called her.

You're so full of crap.

Yeah, I am.

Who told you?

Well, you're on the radio, but we're not going to tell you which station.

Oh, are you serious?

That's right, that's right.

And we can do it.

You can do it, huh?

Have you ever heard of diplomatic immunity?

I have.

Okay, well, there it is.

We'll talk to you later there.

Thank you so much.

Bye-bye now.

Please enter your destination number now.

Oh, beautiful.

Wonderful execution.

You always do that.

You so did that, man.

You were the fucking bomb, yo.

I could have done better

Yo what did he even fly

What did he even fly

He's laughing

I was about to fall asleep

That was her really getting off

Yeah that's pretty weak

I told Carly to tell her to climb

And she's like

She's a dead fuck

I could have done a lot better

I could have taken that somewhere

But whatever you know

I'm having an off night tonight

But that was still fun man

That was fun

I hope you all enjoyed that

Fake orgasm of the night

We're going to have to keep that on file

Digital trance

You got it

Oh there you go

Digital trance is cracking up

That was good

Wow

I'm glad we could make somebody happy tonight

Oh my god

Because I sure am

Wow you're happy huh

I just closed my eyes and pretended

I faked it

You faked it

You need a towel

Yeah

Alright

I got one right here

Oh there you go

I'll wipe this off.

Please.

None on the carpet, if you don't mind.

Knob-slobbing.

That's the one.

Well, hey, at least we did one good prank call tonight.

That makes, you know, maybe that will cut the mustard.

Yeah, we need more numbers like that.

Y'all need to send it in.

Go to the website, madhouselive.com.

Go ahead and put in all your special requests, and we'll try to get them out there for you.

Hell, yeah.

Milkman, talk it up a little bit.

I got to light my cigar again.

That's right.

You heard it live here at 98.6 The Mouth.

Hey, girl.

Fake execution of an orgasm.

98.6 The Mouth.

Put me to sleep.

Yeah, man.

Some more dumb broads, please.

Too fun.

How many friends would like to get a ticket?

Would do anything for a ticket?

Get on the couch?

Get on the couch.

Tennis or number?

We have a lot of fun on this show.

And this is all for you people, so I'm glad we were able to help on that.

And hey, if you were listening to the competition, you'd have to pay for it.

An international card.

Yeah, that's right.

International numbers here, free requests here.

We don't charge a damn thing.

That's right.

We're going in the hole.

We have a toll-free number for you to call in.

888-278-8509, the mouth line.

Brought to you by Madhouse Munchies at madhousemunchies.com.

The number and the nine.

Madhouse Munchies.

And if you don't have internet, well, you should if you're listening to us.

But if you're not in front of your computer and you want to listen to us when you're in your car,

at the office at home and don't have internet you can always do it to us at talkshu.com that's

right room 21456 and then you need to sign up at talkshu go ahead and support us there go ahead

and sign up download the podcast do what you got to do oh yeah make us some money if you if you

listen to us on talkshu you make us money you help us out so uh so do that look i've got the

world clock up here and i haven't even used it right now it's 12 37 a.m in puerto rico it is

It's 5.37 a.m. in London.

It is 2.37 a.m. in Australia.

And it's 8.37 a.m. in Baghdad.

All right.

All our fans in Baghdad.

We should call Baghdad.

We don't have any numbers in Baghdad.

We can't call Baghdad.

Oh, don't we?

You know how expensive that would be?

Okay, okay.

Baghdad is a bad example.

Yeah.

Well, we could call Sydney.

Call India?

Yeah.

Milkman.

Go ahead, Milkman.

Hey, do not take the new update to Trillion.

Oh, you know, I almost did.

I almost did.

don't take the new update is it kill the crack you'll lose your crack oh yeah i knew what i saw

then i said you know what i got the pro i was about to take that new uh update and i decided

not to probably good idea i got the pro crack it doesn't work any better anyway yeah it doesn't no

no the pro crack it wasn't a different the pro crack gets killed by this new update that came

up yeah that's what i'm saying yeah so don't kill that yeah i'm not gonna don't don't update if

you're using trillion with a crack not that we would do that here of course we don't do that

Yeah, we pay for all of our stuff.

Yeah, of course.

Of course not.

Dr. Leg will pay for all our stuff.

Provide this with a pro trillion.

That's right.

So, yeah, I think I'm going to take a break.

I need to get my legs a little, get some circulation in the legs, you know, going.

Will?

The third leg, yes.

I need circulation in my third leg.

You need circulation in my third leg.

Milkman has four legs, man.

Oh, word?

Yeah.

Is he like that duck with the four legs I saw in Alphard the other day?

Where's the cow at?

There we go.

It's got four stomachs and a leg for each one, Milkman has.

So we'll be right back after this.

We're going to take a quick break.

We'll be back in about five minutes or so.

So be sure not to go anywhere.

In the meantime, if you want to reach us again, you can call us at toll-free at 1-888-278-8509.

Madhouse Radio on AOL Instant Messenger as well as Yahoo Messenger and MSN Messenger.

Madhouse Radio online at hotmail.com.

I don't know, whatever.

Go to the website, madhouselive.com.

And yeah, the podcast, that'll be updated one day.

So look out for that.

I promise I will.

It's now 1239 a.m. Eastern Standard Time.

We'll be right back in just a moment.

Hang on, folks.

We'll be back in about three or four minutes.

Hire.

Hire people in Afghanistan.

Hire a terrorist.

Hey, I need you to go scare some people.

Durka, Durka, Durka.

Back right after this.

It's time for this, man.

Fuck you a bitch, motherfucker.

We're back.

We're hanging in there, everybody.

You know what we should do?

And it's not anything soon.

We should do like a six or eight hour show.

Dude, I haven't done one of those in a while.

Record it.

Not on the air.

Record it and play it back or something.

I don't know.

Play it back?

We could do live eight hours.

We could do a marathon.

What did we do once, Milkman?

Like a five hour show once?

Yeah, man.

Remember that?

Yeah, you thought war out at the end of that one, man.

Dude, I got so drunk that night.

I woke up.

After all that weed got smoked.

All over, yeah.

It was me and Madman and Milkman doing a show once, man.

We got so trashed here, though.

Went through a case of, we drank every drop of alcohol in this house, got drunk that night.

What about the guy that I replaced?

Andy?

Yeah.

We never did a long show with him, but he's so...

He was long gone.

He always wanted to pop out after about an hour and a half.

He'd start bitching.

Take me home

In about two hours we'd be off the air

Andy got drunk once off his ass

And he fell down in the kitchen during the break

That was hilarious

Is he listening up or

Yeah he wants to get back in

And team speak pretty soon

He might be joining up soon

Hopefully

He's out on the road

He's an across the road trucker

He's got a big leather belt with Andy

Right on the back of it

Trucker belt

And we're willing to pay $50.

That's why they put the name on the back of the belt, don't you?

Not my name.

My name?

No, the trucker's name.

Why is it on the belt on the back?

You know what?

I'm willing to pay $40 for someone to put a magnetic sign on their car that said MatterhouseLive.com.

Yeah, but for how long?

They got to get it painted on there.

No, no, magnetic sign.

Magnetic sign?

They have magnetic signs.

Yeah, but you pull them off.

I want it to be permanent.

Yeah, I know.

I know permanent.

I don't still, you know, have it, you know, whatever.

Not Photoshopped, because I know how to tell Photoshop.

I just take it to a graphic design artist and they tell me it's in Photoshop.

They can tell?

Yeah.

My dad will be able to tell.

I don't care.

The Madhouse Patrol.

That's what it'll look like.

So, yeah.

Or maybe someone get a Madhouse tattoo.

Or a referral, or a tattoo.

It's a tattoo.

That's a...

We need to raise some money for someone to get a tattoo of the Madhouse.

Madhouse tattoo, the Madhouse fist.

Shit like that, you know?

I could do it and get away with it.

That's right.

You know what I'm saying?

Because you're half black.

I saw a shirt, Milkman and Will, I saw a shirt, Milkman, that has a picture of Obama on it.

You know, Obama, Barack Obama.

It says half honky, all donkey.

I was like...

Hey, did you hear tonight that they placed him in special custody because...

Secret service.

He's been in threats to his life.

Yeah, Homeland Security got threats on his life and they put him in secret service.

is the tail.

Are you kidding me?

They usually save that

until the presidential

election.

Well, until there's

only two left, you

know, then they, you

know, John Kerry

would have one, but

apparently, you know,

Hillary already has

one because she's the

first lady, so, but

yeah.

Yeah, you get them

for life, too.

Yeah.

After you've been

president, you get

them for life.

I don't know about

vice president, though,

but I think they get

it, too.

Probably.

For life.

Yeah, for the rest

of your life.

They do, too.

Yeah, they get free

stamps, too.

Stamps?

They do, no, they

get free, if you're

an actual politician, like an actual

member, you get free use of the

mail system. Oh, what was it? No, I heard

about in Western

North Carolina. I forget which city.

They're trying to work on a

two-day work week

for Congress. Five-day

weekend? Yeah, five-day weekend.

They only want to work two days

a week. That's something right there.

I'm all for it.

I won't get

paid. I'd work

I'd work the weekend if they could give me the whole week off

In a second I'd work Saturday and Sunday

If you gave me the whole week off

Honestly I want to find something that

I work two days

Two full days

48 hours worth of work

With maybe like

Three one hour breaks

And stay up for two days

You can't stay up for two days

In front of a phone

You need to get Clown Homegrown's job

Yeah Clown Homegrown is up all 24-7

He's always in the chat room like

Like, oh, God.

Oh, God.

I'd work for two.

I'd work for.

How about this?

I'd work for, what's up, 48 minus 16.

32.

I'd work for 32 hours.

Straight?

Over the course of two days.

32 hours straight?

No, no, no.

Two eight-hour breaks.

Just to sleep.

Yeah, okay.

Hey, you know what?

That's not a bad idea.

I'd do it.

What's up, my milkman?

Go ahead, man.

32 hours is part-time work.

Milkman, go ahead, man.

Yeah, clown him again.

He lost his option.

He quit right after that.

I was crying.

I quit.

If I can't bully people around.

Quit what?

What did he quit?

I mean, what is he doing?

You know what I mean?

He's not doing a show.

What's the big deal?

He quit bullying people.

That's all.

They're asking in the chat room about that.

Let me find.

That was on Fark today, right?

I think I read that on Fark.

Fark.

I read that on Fark.com.

Man, you see Fark changed up their layout?

Yeah, I don't like it, man.

No.

It's gay.

Yeah, yeah.

If you don't have it full screen, the advertisement covers up the tagline.

That's what they're trying to do.

That's on purpose.

They're trying to shove those advertisements.

Oh, yours doesn't do it.

Maybe it's because I'm an IE.

Maybe.

Yeah, here's the story.

It's with a straight-faced group at a group-ass Congress today to adopt five-day weekends.

Because they were only in session for 104 days out of the week, I mean, out of the year,

which boils down to about two days a week.

Yeah.

This is out of Charlotte, North Carolina.

Go figure.

I mean, come on.

We pay them, what, $50,000, $100,000 a year for them to work two days out of the week?

Yeah, they take so many days off and shit.

Holy crap.

That's a good job right there, dude.

That's why they press so much to get that position.

Because you pay, and you don't do nothing.

But approval denies shit all day.

That's an easy job.

I swear, I need to do some shit like that.

I would like to be a politician.

There's no money in being a politician.

The money is in the lobbying and the kickbacks that you receive.

That's what I'm talking about.

Here's the thing.

You don't talk about that.

That's what you don't do.

You don't talk about that.

The salary that you get for being a politician

Pays for your basics

I know they're not paying for food and shit

They get their own transportation

Their own security

and mail.

Don't I just use the taxpayers' money to go on a vacation to Las Vegas?

They had that here.

What?

In OC.

What?

In Orange County.

Apparently, like, a couple years back, they had taxpayer dollar money, you know, trips to Las Vegas for meetings.

Oh, that was the bus company, what, Lynx?

Yeah, or something.

I don't remember.

They had a bus conference in Vegas, and they didn't even go to the conference.

sitting there spending taxpayer money

in the casinos

gambling and getting hookers and stuff

and they didn't even spend one minute in the stupid convention

but they're sitting there

wasting money what did you go for

what the hell is that all about

bullshit so I posted a link to that story there

in the chat room for you

for you gents and lady

let me post it in the other chat room

hey milkman explain to me real quick

what is the difference between prankcallradio.com

and .net any idea

um no

No.

Okay.

Thank you.

All right.

That works for me.

There it is.

There it is from the horse's mouth.

It's a redirect to the same site.

Probably is.

All right.

So let's move on.

More prank calls.

More show.

We're going to wrap it up here pretty soon.

It's getting late.

You know, will I lie that I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow at 10 o'clock?

Oh.

Oh, that's okay.

Hey, it's better than being at school.

Do we have a guest caller tonight that wants to do one?

Yeah.

I said we have a guest call in.

Oh, here's my news.

I got breaking news here.

I was called today by my doctor, and he said there's an experimental diabetes treatment that he wants to put me on.

That's why he's calling me in to go in tomorrow.

Sugar AIDS?

Sugar AIDS.

Oh, okay.

So what do you think it is?

What do you think?

What could they do to me now?

They give you salt.

Salt?

You're kidding.

I'm like...

Yeah, but man, you know, there's risk.

Haven't you heard of the risk yet?

The side effect?

Yeah, my dick will fall off.

No, no, no.

I heard of the...

Oh, no, the side effect.

There's the actual side effect.

Okay, what's that?

You may get pregnant.

Oh, fuck.

Well, hell.

No, no, no.

I was listening to the radio the other day,

and they were talking about ways of getting paid without actually working.

And one of them was being a medical tester.

You just get tested by all the pharmaceutical companies.

Forget that.

You make like $50,000 a year for them to test drugs on you.

Yeah, like in Britain last year, they tested that one medicine.

Bad cow disease?

No, they were testing this new medicine in Britain, and the people, they turn in, like, their joints and their faces all puffed up, and they look like the Elephant Man, and a bunch of them died.

You never heard about that?

No.

Have you ever seen that video clip online where the guy was sitting down?

He stands up, and there's a big old, like, boulder underneath him?

Yeah, that was his nutsack.

Oh, the elephantitis guy.

I don't know his nutsack.

He was sitting on it.

I was like, that's just nasty.

That's something on Faces of Death.

When I was in high school.

That wasn't a beach ball?

wrong no no it was it was about the size of like an oversized beach ball and that was his nuts he

was sitting on and making like he was sitting there making like tacos and shit on the ground

oh man rolling cigars yeah speaking of something rolling something but a blunt he's rolling on

his nuts but uh yeah man back you know when i used to be in high school one of my biggest

pastimes me and my friends was uh you know we'd skip we cut class go to the video store right

faces of death and uh and just watch that i haven't gotten no one oh no no no no no you

know what there's a new thing that i've seen it's not faces of death but uh crazy day i haven't

showed you that yet what crazy days uh ultimate pause tape or uh the pause tape two or something

like that yo is the greatest movie they mix like all the horror flicks like all the greatest cuts

from a bunch of horror flicks and you know the b-rated horror flicks from back in the day

with porno.

What?

Like, porno clips.

Like, you know,

in between,

like, it's just

all the cuts

from all the

glorious stuff

from all the

cheesy 80s

horror films.

Ah, shit.

Yeah.

It doesn't get any

better than that

right there.

Yo, I got it.

It's awesome.

The real horror film.

It's like

Crazy Days

Pause Tape 2

or something like that.

I don't remember.

The real horror film.

If you wanted horror,

we took the best

in horror

and the best in horrors

and we mixed them together.

Alright,

All right, let's go ahead and move on.

Let's wrap it up here.

Come in and interview on 98.6 The Mouth.

Yeah, that was a great call, though, man.

98.6 The Mouth.

Oh, something.

I got to hear that again.

I'm going to hear that a few times.

Yeah, the best thing is in like 20 seconds, she starts going.

Like 30 seconds later, I'm like, yeah.

10 seconds.

12 seconds.

12 seconds left.

And she just keeps going.

She's like, yeah, okay.

If we tell her the climax, she goes, ah, and she just gets louder.

Yeah, that's it.

Real believable there, chick.

God.

I bet that's exactly how she is in bed.

Probably.

Dead fuck.

Doesn't move, just lays there, you know.

They give you all their best stuff over the phone, I tell you.

I know.

That's how they get you, too, man, you know.

And then you get married, and you don't even get any.

I'm saying, well, when you get married?

You'll be lucky if you get head.

When's the last time you got head?

Head?

Yeah.

Wow.

19 what?

What?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

1998 was the last time.

It's been a while, but I mean, I don't know.

Well, if you look like that crazy freak there that has a nadsack the size of a beast ball,

you wouldn't be getting too much head.

No, that guy gets head all the time.

Elephantitis balls gets head all the time.

You know women are like, oh, I got to try this.

If I was him, I would just say, just suck on my balls.

Just suck on my balls.

Wax my balls.

Wax on, wax off.

www.ballz.com

Ballz with a Z at the end.

Ballzak.com

Oh, man.

We're having too much fun here.

It's not legal.

All right.

Well, we might as well while we can still be on the internet doing radio.

Only until May or was it June now?

Yeah, July 15th now.

July 15th.

So, yeah, do what you gotta do.

It ain't gonna happen.

It better not.

But if it doesn't, great.

If it does, it does.

Doesn't bother me because I got a different radio show already.

You know what?

We just go broadcast from a different country.

That's right.

Canada.

You can always do that, yeah.

Yeah, let's do that.

We'll just do a host out of Canada.

Or the Virgin Islands.

Or the Virgin Islands, yeah.

You've got to hook us up if we've got to do that.

Milkman.

And we're going to go down there and they don't give a shit.

Hell yeah.

Let's go to the Virgin Islands, everybody.

All right, come on.

We did take a trip down there.

That's enough, everybody.

Everybody be quiet now.

Milkman said he lives next to Marijuana Mountain.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Poor donkey.

All right.

You know what?

I got good news.

I got a hookah.

You did?

While we were off the air.

For a little while, I had a hookah about three or four weeks ago.

Yo, this shit is the best shit in the world.

You didn't invite me over for no hookah love.

Yo.

Anytime, dude.

What you doing Sunday?

You're there, man.

Coming over to hit the hookah, yeah.

Yo, we got 10 different flavors.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, so the actual tobacco.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, it's tobacco.

We don't smoke anything illegal out of the hookah.

Right.

Okay, gotcha.

Because I got to stop some.

We eat every day.

Exactly.

Anyway.

So what, you put like a little bit of charcoal in that?

No, no, no, tobacco, tinfoil, standard tinfoil, poke holes, charcoals on top.

Charcoals on top.

You don't smoke the charcoal.

Charcoals is for heat.

Well, I know that, yeah.

And then you smoke the shit out of it.

I got a three hose with cobra hoses.

What's a cobra hose?

What does a cobra look like?

It's got that little flat part and everything.

Oh, okay.

It's got cobra hoses.

And it's about, like, let's say it's here, about this big.

Damn.

Yeah, man.

They got a hookah bar real close to here by the university.

You ever seen Alice in Wonderland?

Yes.

Remember the caterpillar?

That's how you feel and look.

Because after you smoke the tobacco for so long, you start getting lightheaded and stuff like that.

So you feel like, who are you?

You can be doing that all night.

But anyway, let's see what's going on.

This is a prank.

Milkman, who should we prank?

Jabba Jabba?

Any requests on the type of prank we can do, Milkman?

Ruben E. Cox.

Yeah, man, let's definitely do some storm shadow numbers.

There's a guarantee.

All right, we'll die.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We got Feely Joe.

Feel me up.

Feely Joe, the Sand Hill Guided Hunts.

Whatever.

This is in Oklahoma.

This is the last number that came in for Lonesome Loser about 40 minutes ago.

I don't think that's a woman answer to Hustle.

It says a woman answered Feely Joe.

Tell me to hook me up, lady.

Take me out in the woods and fuck me.

Feel me up.

The hardest working man in prank radio.

The hardest working loser.

This is Lonesome Loser.

All right, and Milkman, how about a song request on your end there?

Anything you want to hear?

We haven't had your request lately.

Hey, George Clinton?

Who?

George Clinton?

George Clinton, yeah.

Yo, yo, yo, yo.

He's playing in Orlando on the 16th.

You bitches.

Oh, seriously?

Yeah.

Universal?

The funk, the parliament, the funk, or what is it?

The parliament, yeah, the parliament.

Yeah, yeah, I think George, he's playing on May 16th at the House of Blues.

Parliament Funkadelic.

Go there, man.

I think I might just, we could always do that now that we have Chokshu.

All right, Milkman, we got We Want the Funk, One Nation Under a Groove, Jungle Boogie,

Erotic City, Dr. Funkenstein, Bob Gunner, Atomic Dog.

Flashlight City.

Wait a minute, do Erotic City.

Since we've been on this kick here with these women calling in the interview and getting

in to our contest, special ticket.

All right, here we go.

Erotic City, George Clinton, and the next prank call of the night coming right up.

Take your time.

I will.

We're going to enjoy this song here.

I hope we got a nice group.

I get tickets from my parents.

Let's go with them.

I went to the Magic game the other day.

I'm sorry.

They won by one point.

The Magic?

They got swept in the playoffs by Detroit.

I knew that was going to happen.

Wait, I'm like, what, one or two weeks behind?

I went last Sunday.

You went in the regular season.

Yeah, that's why.

They made it in the playoffs the game I went.

I don't know.

Yeah, okay, I knew the Magic were going to get swept again.

All I know is one of these other talk show shows, they have a bunch of sports shit going on.

They're trying to get Vince Carter.

The Mavs are going to try to get Vince Carter.

You know, he's got family.

Well, he's from the Orlando area.

Is he?

Yeah.

Dr. Phillips?

No, from Daytona.

Daytona.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Actually, I saw him once.

He was picking up this one dude that played football with me.

He was getting picked up once from school.

We're like, hey, who's picking you up?

He's like, don't tell nobody.

It's Vince Carter.

We're like, what?

He's like, yeah, Vince Carter.

He's my cousin.

He's going to be picking me up.

And sure enough, his limo pulled up and picked him up.

I forgot the guy's name.

He was a real asshole, some black kid.

I'm sorry, but he was real stuck up.

He was real stuck up, like this stuck-up football player.

He really sucked anyway.

How do you be a stuck-up football player?

I don't know.

I wasn't ever stuck up.

I played football, though.

You ever played football?

No.

Oh, you were in Japan.

I tried to go into basketball.

But apparently only the best of the best can play basketball.

You know, I'm 6'3".

They still wouldn't let me be on, like, the training, you know, the practice team.

What the hell?

I was like, dude, I had to at least get a D in math.

Oh, that's what it is.

You know I got Bs.

That's why I didn't make it.

You had to get A's.

All right, come on.

You got to get Ds and below to make it into the basketball team.

Prank call.

Prank call now.

All right.

Right back in a moment.

Harbor House.

Hey, what's going on?

Can I speak with Philly?

I need to.

I'm trying.

Hey, why do you keep interrupting me?

Hey, don't interrupt me, I said, first of all, okay?

I'm talking and you answer the questions, you understand?

No, you do not call this number again.

I will call...

Take the name off.

I will call as many...

Take it off.

Answer all my questions.

One, two, three.

What the hell?

She turned into gas.

It's all.

What is that all about?

She didn't say piss off.

She's an American.

What happened now?

Now it's just...

It's haze.

Please enter your...

I'm going to call her right back.

Hang on.

All right, we've got a bad foot lady.

If you're gonna ask me who I am, let me answer you.

Where are you?

No, wait.

No, wait, no, wait, wait, wait.

I don't wanna know.

You're Rotisserie Wallace.

Hello there.

Jack Masterson.

Eddie Garcia.

Fat Albert. Oh my God, I ain't heard from him in a while.

Hello.

Hey, how you doing today?

This is Fat Albert. How you doing, baby?

Hey, Joe.

Philly.

Albert, how you doing?

Alright, Philly Joe. How you doing, baby?

Hey.

Uber Cava, hello.

Hello, Philly Joe.

Damn fried chicken, boy.

God, I...

We thought it was funny for a second, and then he stopped talking.

I'm an asshole.

Hang on.

Call someone else now.

Hang on, folks.

You never heard the Fat Albert?

I've heard it.

Fat Albert salad.

The Fat Albert salad, baby.

Ain't no croutons.

No, what was it?

No lettuce in the Fat Albert salad.

Hang on.

Do I got that here?

I want to hear that.

No, no, no.

You know what you play?

The Bud Light commercial.

The Bud Light?

There's a Bud Light commercial?

The taco salad.

A few shreds of lettuce and tons of meat.

Oh, the real American hero.

They don't call it that anymore.

No.

Real man of genius.

Used to be real.

Those are awesome commercials, man.

I had like 20 or 30 of those.

Yeah, those are classics.

I had like 20 or 30 of those.

And someone going, they stole my computer.

They stole my 300 gig computer.

Who?

Somebody stole my shit.

Oh, that's right.

Walked in my house and stole the shit.

I had tons of shit on that motherfucker.

It was probably your neighbor.

No, no, no.

I know exactly who that motherfucker is.

Who was it?

The motherfucker down the street.

You think he's got an alley?

Did you see it?

No, I don't think he got it.

He probably did it for some drugs.

Those drugs, man.

Fucking bad kids.

Those drugs.

We got Tuck's calling in to make an announcement, Milkman.

Are you excited about that?

Yeah, man.

Tuck.

Will's going to get some more whiskey.

You going to be okay to try it?

That's a lot of whiskey.

Long-standing members of the Madhouse.

Oh, he took one shot.

That was a shot.

That was a decent glass of whiskey.

I'm just worried about you driving.

No, no.

Obviously.

You know, Christine will be like,

Like, you let him drive like that?

She did that to me once.

She's like, how you gonna let him drive like that?

Whatever women don't know, our tolerance to alcohol is a great, great thing.

All right, everybody.

We're waiting for Tuck to call in here eventually.

I think he's on dial-up, so he has to disconnect and then reconnect and got to get his phone card and all that.

So we'll give him a second here while we discuss a few more things.

Again, the website is madhouselive.com.

There's Tuck.

So go to madhouselive.com.

That's it.

Pick up the phone, motherfucker.

Go there.

What you kids play on the phone about?

What's going on, Tuck?

How you doing, man?

What y'all doing?

We're just here, you know.

We're drinking whiskey, smoking cigars.

What else are we doing?

Damn, man.

How come I ain't there?

No, because you're living in Kentucky or something.

Where do you live in?

It's close.

Tennessee.

The other one.

Tennessee?

Tennessee's got good shit.

Hey, man, you know what?

Tennessee style gays.

Hey, man, you know what?

What?

Chicken butt.

Oh!

You know what, though?

Speaking of Tennessee, man.

On the Revolutuck

Number 9

To be out this weekend

On prankcall.info

We have a special guest

Memphis rap and weed advocate

Muck Sticky

Will be on the program

Are you serious?

You ever heard of him before?

Who that is

What's he do?

He's a rapper and he's a weed advocate?

He's a weed advocate, he's a rapper

He's a white guy, he's a stoner

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You sure this isn't Clone Homer?

He's a white guy rapper.

Yeah, like a High Times rapper.

A High Times rapper.

How do you know I'm a white guy in High Times?

Oh, man.

That's where they are.

Oh, dude, on 420 on the Howard Stern show, they had the High Times, Miss High Times,

and she has a pussy bong that they were using.

What?

She puts a bong in her pussy, and they were all...

A pussy hookah.

I'm sorry, a pussy hookah.

still, you know,

like, smoke friendly.

Yeah.

Yeah, well,

she put the hookah

in her pussy

and then they were all

taking hits out of her pussy.

I'm not kidding you.

It was,

it's on video.

I haven't seen it yet.

It's on Howard TV.

I saw the pictures of it.

Oh, you saw,

I saw the pictures of it too.

Yeah, it was pretty.

It was like,

Ali G is on that

doing a fuck of that.

Oh, man, Ali G.

Yeah, yeah.

He got one of the most

influential people

in Time Magazine,

Sasha Byrne.

Oh, I've seen the top,

like, hundred.

Yeah.

I was surprised.

Yeah, I saw Oprah

with George Bush

Bush didn't make it.

They were talking...

Why would you think he would make it?

Because he's the president of the...

No, no, no, I guess not.

Yeah, yeah, he's the head only because...

Osama bin Laden was on there, and they didn't put George W. Bush.

Exactly what I point.

Okay, you got a point.

More people listen to him than listen to him.

No, you think more...

I guess more people are influenced by Osama bin Laden than George W. Bush, I guess.

You got a point.

That's sad.

What's wrong with Reagan?

Anyway.

Cooks running planes into buildings.

I mean, you know.

I mean, George W. Bush ain't having people do that.

He can't get nobody to go get him a cup of coffee.

Nobody do shit. No one believes in him.

Not anymore.

Yeah, I really think he's going to end up getting impeached, man.

I mean, that's not just some stupid talk.

I mean, I really think he's going to end up getting impeached.

I seen that on the road the other day.

I was passing by a bridge, and it said,

Impeach the President.

I honked.

You honked?

I honked like two times.

Yeah, here in Orlando, there used to be a famous graffiti thing.

They tore down the bridge, like in the 90s,

But for like since the 80s

There was like a

The bridge over Lee Road

I think on I-4

Set in Peach Reagan

Even like in the 90s

Like it still set in Peach Reagan

It was like

It was like a famous landmark

In Orlando

They finally tore it down

To build this pedestrian bridge

Or something

Yeah

But it's in Peach Reagan

Like there are people like

Who the hell is Reagan?

You know

Like all the young kids

Are like I don't know who he is

But yeah

I was on it for years and years

Yeah man

So Tuck

This weekend

Your new episode

Of the Revolutuk

Is going to be out

Huh?

Yes sir

Okay, good. Have you ever tried... I've tried to subscribe to it through iTunes so I can get it automatically on the iPod,

and it doesn't... I don't think you're listed on iTunes, man. I'll try again, but...

You're not listed on iTunes. What you have to do is... I'm not listed on iTunes.

What you have to do is go to my page and click on the links to iTunes.

You have the link right there that...

It launches iTunes that way because it works for me.

Launches it?

Yeah.

Okay, cool.

So you have the feed burner.

Yeah, exactly. Feed burner's a great site, man.

to subscribe with iTunes

you have to be a part of the

I think you have to be a part of the

Apple iTunes

it's easy

you just send them a request

and they email you right back

I'll have to look into that

I definitely have to step it up here

a lot of people have discovered my show through that

iTunes is a big

it's the dominant

oh I did not know that

I've never seen it on there

alright Tuck

well hey

as we're calling in

we're getting ready to wrap up the show

We're going to do, like, a prank one or two more.

I want to make sure you got on to make that announcement.

We're trying to push you.

Yeah, I have to go and I have to get this shit out the door and go to bed.

All right, man.

We should make him do a prank call for calling in this late.

You want to do a prank call, Mr. Tuck?

What you got?

Nothing.

We got Jumpin' Jacks in Arkansas.

We got, I think that's all.

Dude, we only have, like, one more number here that we even tried to call.

It's so late now.

Yeah.

You want to take that?

It'll be the last call of the night.

By all means, you can do it.

hang on milkman sending something over here i have absolutely no idea what we're gonna do but

let's do it all right cool we'll call jumping jacks hell let's do it in arkansas hope arkansas

yeehaw all right hang on folks here comes that one more

hi hi baby um it's me i'm here yeah right here i i'm all the way from america man

Come on out. I'm here, baby. I'm here, baby. Come out the door. Come out the door. You've got to let me in. You've got to let me in. Baby. Sugar pie.

Who's this?

Simon Bulls.

Huh?

Simon.

Where's my baby at?

What are you calling?

I'm out the door. She said, come on out. I'm right here. And now I'm a little perplexed that I'm getting a second person on this phone.

Third person, not excluding myself, of course.

Who's this? Are you his brother, cousin?

Sorry?

Are you her cousin?

Her husband.

Cousin, yeah. I was like, whew.

Yeah, I thought she said husband.

Man, you got me jumping there for a second.

She come to get me, I'm out here standing.

It's a little misty outside.

This ain't the sweater, man.

What's your name?

It's strange for me.

Your name?

Huh?

It's Terry.

What's your name?

Terry?

It's Terry.

Where are you from, Terry?

I'm from Tennessee.

Where are you from?

Whose number, though?

I don't understand.

This is the number I was given to my baby doll, my sugar dumpling.

Who gave you the number?

Sugar Dumpling did.

At the airport.

You've got the wrong number.

Just stop ringing, okay?

You're just pissing me off.

You're pissing you off?

You're pissing me off.

Got a cousin over there giving me the back and giving me the lip.

All right, okay, just don't ring this number again, otherwise...

Otherwise what?

We're going to be in trouble again.

Otherwise what?

We're going to be in trouble.

And we're calling back.

Hang on.

You can't stop or have your head, mate.

Hang on, let me take this one here.

For deduction of applicable season charges...

Yeah, listen here, you British people.

You don't threaten my friend like that, you understand?

I don't care who you are.

You're calling the wrong number.

I'm going to fuck your cousin up.

This is Joe America.

Let me speak to your cousin again, please.

My cousin, that's my husband.

He said he's your cousin, and it better not be, because then you're cheating on my man.

Oh, fuck off.

Ooh, she said the F word.

Please, Eddie.

In America, we say, fuck you, and they say, fuck off.

Yeah, they say, piss off and fuck off.

So, fuck you and fuck off, Eddie.

We say, I'm pissed off and fuck you.

that's the difference

we're calling Terrence Day

Terrence Day

you're Eddie

bring on Eddie

hey there's Nats in here

Will I'm sorry

yo what's up man

yo Terry what's up man

fuck dude

let's fucking

I'm going to try the balls one more time

okay

let me see if you can make balls like you

Well, here's one.

Do a Father McDougal.

I'm going to do Eddie.

He said it, too.

I want you to know that we saved your asses in World War II when you owe me...

You owe me...

You owe me the decency to answer my questions, sir.

You, Mr. Balls, you owe me the decency to answer my questions

is why you are having sexual relations with my friend's girlfriend.

You're having sexual relations with that woman and she's already spoken for.

Even the Southerners think cousin and cousin's kinda weird these days.

I mean, you must have some really big balls, sir, if you dare even think to sleep with my man's wife.

What the hell's going on back there?

Why is there two fucking people on the phone now?

Hey, listen, listen, do you have elephantitis of the balls?

Sir?

Sir!

I'm not sure how I do this.

The phone! Speak into the phone!

I'm not sure how I do this, mate, but I'm gonna find out who's making these fucking calls and then I'm phoning the police.

Oh, you, oh, I'm so scared.

Hey, have you heard of diplomatic...

You're gonna whack us with a stick!

Have you ever heard of diplomatic immunity, sir?

He's gone.

I heard a click, too, Will.

Very good, very good call.

Will heard a click, everybody.

And we're gonna call Patricia French.

She's also in England.

Barking England.

Wait, wait, wait.

She's a spy.

Why are you in England?

You're supposed to be friends.

Oh, man, I'm gonna have to redial it.

Hang on, Tuck, hang on.

All right.

I'm sorry, Milkman, you were just talking over the call,

and I had to mute you.

Miss French, listen to me.

I'm calling from the CIA here in the United States,

and I understand that you live in Barking, England.

Is that correct?

Yeah.

Are you some kind of French spy or something?

Oh, God, wait.

It's about six in the morning here.

Yeah, but we have reason to believe that you're...

It's about six in the morning here.

Hang on.

It's our cue taker next.

I was going to do Happy Meets...

Bye.

The speed slot dial does not exist.

I didn't use the speed slot.

And try again.

I like slots.

All right, guys, don't talk, because it messes it up if you guys talk.

All right, Tuck, you're taking this one, right?

Mr. Frenchkin?

Mr. French, hello.

Yes, you are a spy.

You are a spy.

I'll call P.J. Cox now.

You want this one, Tuck? P.J. Cox.

Hello?

Hey, what's going on, Mr. Cox?

Mr. Cox, the phone talking to you.

You know, that's it. I give up. That's it.

Night's over.

All right, Tuck.

Thanks for calling in, Tuck.

All right, man.

Frank called in.

You'll have a good revolution, Tuck, and love to all y'all.

All that stuff, man.

Take care of yourself.

Bye.

You

got any American numbers?

I'm out.

No, all the American numbers that we have are either really old or bullshit.

You mean really old, like months old?

No, I mean they're like old from like 10 o'clock tonight, 1042.

I'm telling you, I'm going to get the Women's Coalition for Freedom in Iraq there.

Yeah, but that's going to be too expensive to call them.

Or something close by the Muslim world.

Turkey.

Turkey or Israel or some shit.

Yeah, but those kind of calls here will drain the card.

Yeah, we'll have like...

That's a $10 card.

Yeah, we'll have like...

It would probably drain it completely to call them.

Well, what's cheap in the Middle East?

What's cheap anywhere in the Muslim world?

I don't know what countries they involve, but what's cheap?

Nothing, probably.

I don't think we'd have to buy a specific...

Yo, we can call Egypt and ask them if the aliens actually built the pyramids.

They didn't.

You don't know that.

Yeah, the Egyptians built the pyramids, man.

All these conspiracies.

Sweat and blood?

Yeah, exactly.

Oh, okay.

You know how many slaves?

They invented slavery, those Jews.

They invented slavery.

Yeah, the Egyptians did.

The Jewish invented slavery.

No.

You know what the question I always ask Jewish people?

What?

Where are you from?

Israel.

That's the only place they're from?

Yeah.

Yeah. The tribe of Shem,

the Semites are from...

So there's black Jewish. Where are they from again?

They're from Africa.

Yeah, okay. So now we're starting

to spread out now.

There's black Muslims in Africa.

Which part of Africa?

Somalia's heavily Muslim.

Yeah. Egypt is Muslim.

You know, Libya's Muslim.

I'm just saying, you know what I'm saying.

I want to join

the Jewish community.

Why do you want to join the Jewish community?

Because they got the bomb food.

Everything's prayed on.

Everything's clean.

See, like circumcision.

Yeah.

I already got a circumcision.

All right, brother.

What's up, man?

I got mine when I was born.

I don't know about the rest of y'all.

That's what I'm talking about.

It was all kinds of pain that I can't remember.

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

A weed man put a number in the chat, man.

He's begging you to call it.

All right.

Let's see what we can do.

It's 1033 on the West Coast.

Phone that number.

This is going to be the last number of the night because I'm out.

1, 2, 3, 12, 11, 10, 32.

Okay.

All right.

Fine.

of the night, Milkman.

Yeah, let's do

just a few calls, man.

It's some freaky chick.

I've got a doctor's appointment

at 10 o'clock in the morning.

It's a freaky chick.

This is gross.

You know what, Weedman?

That's not funny.

Just for that,

we're not calling his number.

I mean...

No, no, no, no.

Call it, call it, call it.

What if it's that gay guy

right there?

I don't care.

No.

I'll talk to him.

Phone that number.

It's some freaky chick.

I'll call it.

No, forget that.

He just sent us

a gay porno link.

No, no, call it.

No, he just...

He just...

Reminds me. We need to get Mr. McFeely. We need to find a phone number for Mr. McFeely.

Look up the number.

Do that now. You know who Mr. McFeely was?

Do it now. Mr. McFeely.

You know who that was? From Mr. Rogers?

Is that his real last name?

Oh, but I'm just saying, you got to find it.

I swear. Didn't he die?

No, he's alive.

Mr. Rogers?

Mr. Rogers is dead, and Mr. McFeely is still alive.

Mr. McFeely is from Mr. Rogers?

Yeah, he was Speedy Delivery, man.

Oh, Speedy Delivery, yeah.

Remember him, Speedy Delivery, Mr. McFeely?

Yeah.

Good morning, thanks for calling in. What's up?

Hey sir, are you an American?

No.

What are you from?

Why does it matter, sir?

Because I don't really like talking to people of the Muslim faith.

I'm sorry?

I don't like talking to people of the Muslim faith.

You don't like talking to people who what?

Who are Muslim faith.

No, okay.

No, sir.

How can I help you, sir?

Are you Muslim?

No, I'm not.

Okay, so will you renounce Allah right now on the phone with me?

I'm sorry?

Will you renounce Allah right now on the phone with me?

Okay, how can I help you, sir?

Well, I need you to tell me you're not Muslim.

I need you to tell you, sir?

You need to say, I hate Allah, I am not Muslim.

Okay, can I help you, sir?

Yes, I told you how you can help me.

Okay, I'm sorry for that. I need to, okay.

Okay, get...

Please enter your destination number.

Hang on, let me try it again.

Someone call me and say, hey, pronounce God.

You have seven hours, 15 minutes, and...

I'm going to go somewhere.

Before the...

Before the injection of applicable fees and charges, as listed on the back of your card...

Bang your head against the ground.

Bow to the sun, yo.

That's wrong.

Yeah, do you bow to the sun, man?

Yeah, I need to make a room, please

I need to make a room

See, this is what happens when you have people who don't speak English on the phone

You can help me?

If you want to book a room, I can help you

As-salamu alaykum

Yes, I need to make a room

room you want to book a room hey stop correcting me i want to make a room okay okay enter your

destination you have seven hours hang on jack masterson coming up right now

i got my jack masterson pen in my mouth and everything good morning thank you for calling

us yes i'd like to make a reservation please sorry i'd like to make a reservation please

Yes, do you have to call back after 9 o'clock?

No, I'll call back now.

All right, right now there is no reservation department open.

No reservation department open?

No.

How much are your spaces?

Sorry?

How much are your spaces?

Depends on the occupancy, sir.

Okay, well, you tell me what's the low range and the high range.

Two, two.

You know what?

I have been disrespected all night tonight by these people,

and I don't want to take it anymore.

We need a wake-up call.

I'm not going to wake up anybody.

I'm done.

This is Mr. McFeely from the Mr. Rogers neighborhood back in the day.

The phone number, that's what's up.

That's what I'm saying.

Lose and lose you.

Thank you for coming through.

It's like 12 o'clock in the morning.

Is he going to answer?

Sure, we'll make him answer.

He's Mr. McFeely.

He probably does a lot of cracking.

Speedy delivery.

So here we are.

One more call.

Hello?

Yes, Mr. Newell?

Yes.

How are you doing tonight, sir?

Fine, thanks.

Good.

God bless you.

I'm sorry to bother you so late, but I just wanted to tell you how much of an inspiration

you were to me as Mr. McFeely on the Mr. Rogers show.

How did you get the number?

I got it from Fred Rogers a few years ago back here at Rollins College.

Oh, you were at Rollins College?

Yeah, he was my professor.

Fred Rogers was?

Oh, yes.

Yeah, he tutored me.

He did?

Yeah, especially.

He wanted me to take over for the show on PBS eventually, but it fell through.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, but you were such an inspiration to me, sir.

I grew up wanting to join UPS, and then because I'm diabetic, they said that I couldn't join UPS because I didn't pass the physical.

Uh-huh.

So then I tried to apply for FedEx, and then they said I couldn't because on account of my weight.

I see.

So I might apply for DHL.

Well, good luck.

Yeah, so can you give me a good old speedy delivery, man?

Okay, speedy delivery.

Speedy delivery.

Okay, well, nice talking to you.

Speedy delivery.

It's late.

Speedy delivery.

Okay, bye-bye.

Speedy delivery.

All right.

Mr. McFeely.

Number.

How did you pull those numbers out your ass, Thorn Shadow?

That was awesome.

I don't want to bother him.

Let's just stay on friendly terms with him and call him.

Dude, yeah, I really want to be friends with him because Mr. McFeely is really...

I'm not joking around.

All joking aside, Mr. McFeely...

Was the bombest character on the whole show.

No, no, no.

Handyman Nagry was a bomb.

I don't remember him.

Yeah, he used to fix stuff.

Jack the Wimpy loves Mr. McFeely.

I know, I know.

So we'll call him next week.

I don't believe we have

Mr. Phelan Summers

Hilarious

I can't wait to call him back

I can't believe it

Another

Another first right here

We can find

We've talked to Sulu before

Sulu

Captain

I mean

George Takai

Yeah

George Takai

The Chinese

The gay Chinese dude

Yeah

You know he's gay right

No

He's gay

Of course I know

Sulu

No he is

Yeah I know

I seen him on

He's not gay

He came out last year

No no no

He's gay

He's killed a lot

No, no, no, he's gay.

I seen him on the, what's it called, the thing where they, the roast.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

He was on the roast.

He's gay.

Yeah, he's gay.

I know, I know, I know.

It's awesome.

All right, here's the call.

Sonny Random is not gay.

He used to be a porno.

Listen, PCU Radio, MadhouseLive.com.

Is that your gay-ass voice?

Hello.

Hello, Mr. Takei?

Yeah.

Hi, how are you doing tonight?

Good.

I'm sorry, did I catch you at a bad time?

No, I can talk.

Okay, great.

Hey, I just want to let you know that I'm a very big fan of yours, sir.

Thank you.

You were excellent in the Karate Kid movies.

No, you have it wrong first.

No, no, no.

This is that Jap that was in the Karate Kid movies, right?

You're the Japanese Karate Kid guy.

No, you're the wrong guy.

Are you a Japanese Star Trek guy?

That's it.

He's like, no, no, no, no, that's not me.

I think he gets it a lot.

As you can see, we didn't get any more answers when we called his number.

Yeah, we could call him back at some point.

I mean, he's a busy guy.

He's a good guy, too.

Yeah.

So, we're done.

When's the last time he did a show on RFPI for gays, like gay and lesbian advocacy show

that appears on there?

Do you know we need an organization to call us?

An organization to call us?

Any kind of organization.

Gay, lesbian.

Why?

Because it'd be an interesting topic.

Okay.

Well, if Prankmaster was here, I mean, Prankmaster, you could give us a number to Nambla.

Nambla.

That's right.

It sounds like rambling.

Yeah, NAMBLA.

NAMBLA Association for Man-Boy Love.

Man-Boy Love.

Wait, wait.

When they say Man-Boy Love,

do they mean boys under the age of 18?

Yeah, exactly.

Oh, that's illegal.

Yeah, well, they're trying to make it not illegal.

We're done.

Goodbye, everybody.

Good night.

Thanks for having us on, everybody.

Yeah, man.

Call Master Frank Master at NAMBLA.

All right.

We'll catch you here next week.

Calls (15, 26 min of 1 h 41 min)

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