2007-05-10 Show

And who plays?

What happens in America?

Well, we steamed your ass in World War II.

What do you have to do?

We never did.

And who helped you out just now?

You pissed off, woman.

Don't talk to me like that.

We don't need you anyway, bitch.

God, fuck you.

Call me a stinky, stinky fucker.

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

Turn up the microphone.

They can hear us, man.

Yeah.

That's right.

Yes, you are.

See, we should have checked all the sound levels before the show.

Would have been a good idea.

What'd you get for food?

I didn't get food.

Oh.

Yeah, liquid bread.

Oh, liquid bread.

All right.

Liquid bread.

I know what that means.

It's nasty.

What's up, everybody?

Madhouse Radio is here.

What's up?

We have begun.

Late as usual.

Fashion will be late, as I like to say.

I'm going to light a stick of incense.

That's how it is.

It is.

Milkman is on the satellite link.

What's up, Milkman?

How you doing?

Yeah, baby.

Hey, man.

It's been a exciting week, man.

We're ready to hit some bucks and hit some good numbers.

Right, guys?

That's right.

And Will just gave me some good news.

That's all I can say about it, but it's good news.

Good news, man.

Good news.

And what else we got going on?

Jen Stewart, jenstewart.com in the house.

Hey, everyone.

What's up, Jen?

Hey, what's up, Cali?

What's up?

Bum-ba-cluck.

Where's Athena?

Athena's around?

It might have been the cat.

Oh, that's not Athena.

That's the cat.

I just said something.

And Will's seeing stuff over here already.

I said something.

big will is hallucinating hallucination i've got bad news i forgot to set up the phone so

everybody hold your ears real quickly i do have good news though if you have it for for those of

you podcasters out there i know there was a long wait for the updates to the podcast two new

episodes went up on the podcast about two hours ago so check that out we are back you know we've

got time but you are now going to be able to catch up on our back after food that's right yeah we got

at the episodes from our show.

Give me a second here.

Milkman, entertain the people while I test the...

Oh, the mouse is working now?

All right, good.

Will's got his own setup now in the studio.

98.6, the mouse.

98.6.

The mouse.

That's what I'm talking about.

How about that?

The first time, I got it right the first time.

I got it right the first time on the phone.

That is great.

You're skipping, Milkman.

Milkman is skipping.

We're used to him skipping

He skips like a girl

With his legs

Pointing outwards

The dress up

Yeah

And the dress up

Stop that

He wears a wig

And it's very dirty

Was that him I seen

On Upskirts

Upskirts.com

Everybody

Our sponsor tonight

The first hour of the show

Brought to you by

Upskirts.com

Check them out over there

The second hour of the show

Is brought to you by

None other than

MadhouseMunchies.com

Good stuff

You can't leave it out

That's right

All right, and if you want to reach us here tonight, we will be taking calls later on.

Not now.

Do not call now.

Let me make sure that's turned off.

The toll-free line is going to be 1-888-278-8509.

Again, our toll-free line tonight here.

Is that a free number to call in on?

That's right.

Yes, we do.

1-888-278-8509.

Also, if you want to reach us on AOL Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio on AIM, AOL Instant

MSN Messenger, Madhouse Radio, Yahoo Messenger, Madhouse Radio Online, Madhouse Radio Online for Yahoo Messenger, and MSN Messenger, Madhouse Live at hotmail.com.

And our email is madhouseradio at gmail.com.

Again, the email address here tonight, madhouseradio at gmail.com.

Instant delivery to us here in the studio, and we'll take care of your requests there.

Other than that, the only other option is to go to our webpage, madhouselive.com.

Check out our podcast, as I talked about earlier.

You can send in your prank request right there to hear directly in the studio.

MadHouseLive.com.

And that's about it.

I don't know what else we could talk about.

What else can we talk about?

Anything else we could talk about?

What's been going on lately?

Have I missed anything?

Wow.

There was a fire.

There was a tropical thunderstorm.

Tropical storm isn't coming here.

You know, there's a tropical storm in the middle of May.

Man, there's been flooding going on and rain all over the United States.

Not here.

Tony Blair is stepping down.

And now they're starting to get hot spots.

Yeah, Tony Blair, I was just about to mention.

That's right, Tony Blair.

That's right, Jen, you're our British correspondent there in the Bureau of Britain.

The British office.

So he's stepping down tomorrow?

Yeah.

Wow.

No, June 27th.

Oh, I heard it was tomorrow.

I guess he's announcing tomorrow.

No.

So how does it happen?

Now, do you guys have an election or does Parliament pick a new guy?

Do you even know?

I don't know if you get it.

You said you're German, not British, and you hate the country or something.

Yeah, that's right.

Right, but the Labour Party, they will elect somebody else to take his place.

God, don't you...

So the Labour Party does...

At what point do the people elect their Prime Minister?

Ever at all?

No, no.

The people, they have to vote for these groups like Labour Party, etc., etc.,

and then they vote for their leader.

Okay, so you vote for the party, and then the party picks whoever's going to represent.

Well, I don't vote for anybody because I'm not allowed to vote

because I'm not a citizen of this country.

Oh, that's right.

Because I would never vote for any of these twats anyway.

You tell them.

Octoon.

Right on.

Yeah, man, I hate these guys.

Look at that.

That's right.

I heard it.

Yeah, I'm a bitch, Will says.

Alright, well, they didn't like Hitler either, you know.

So, what else is going on?

Fires in Florida.

It smells like smoke outside.

I'm hacking up whenever I cough.

It's very bad.

You know, we got a little bit of rain today.

You know, we're hoping to the great God that will help us out here.

Get some, you know, rain in the mix and get these fires turned off.

you know turned down there's a tropical storm off of the coast but it's not coming anyway here

it's just it's sucking up all our moisture so we end up with no no rain here you know just goes

somewhere else so that sucks um i don't know what else can we talk about in the news yeah i had some

things i wanted to talk about real quick here to knock out of the water uh michael moore well you

know uh will or milkman or jen know who michael independent filmmaker does all the documentaries

that's right he did yeah man fahrenheit 911 that's right yeah shit fuck cunt all that's good

don't say condo uh jen doesn't like that word and he doesn't like the n-word either but um

yeah he also did bowling for colin but anyway his uh his new documentary sicko about the uh

the uh pharmaceutical company about the health care industry um it's coming out in june june 29th

and apparently, as part of it, he traveled to Cuba

and he's now being investigated by the U.S. Treasury Department

for actually going to Cuba.

As you know, of course, there is an embargo here

that the United States has where you can't travel

or can't go to Cuba without special permission

and you can't purchase items, you can't buy Cuban cigars

or Cuban sugar or whatever.

That's about to be lifted, yeah?

Well, God willing that the current administration

either changes his mind or gets kicked out.

I just want to get a Cuban cigar, legally.

I just want to go to Cuba on vacation.

That's true, too.

We could fly there like in 45 minutes.

I'm going to go to Cuba just for a Cuban sandwich.

Ah, they have the best stuff, I bet you.

And ride around.

I know, man.

I love those.

One of those taxis that are from like 19, the 1940s.

That'd be, well, not even, right?

1930s, 1940s, maybe.

You know, they all have those old taxis there from way back in the day.

It would be interesting to do.

So that's Michael Moore.

He's going to jail.

All right, big guy.

Enjoy that.

What's that website for the freedom of internet?

Ah, savenetradio.org.

It's a form of a political beatdown.

What the heck do they charge again?

Savenetradio.org?

Savenetradio.org.

That's something everybody needs to go to.

Everybody go there.

Yeah, but yeah, Milkman, I agree.

He pisses off the right people.

He gets in trouble with the current administration.

That's how it happens.

Excuse me.

65 days, 30 minutes, and 41 seconds left until July 15th, the day the music dies.

That's right.

The day that, in theory, internet radio will cease to exist.

Unless you do something about that.

So go to savenetradio.org and get involved.

Real quick, I have some exciting news for me.

I don't know how many of you out there are Terminator fans, but Terminator 4 script is made.

It's in the hand.

And there's going to be a new Terminator trilogy.

Terminator 4 is on slate to be released.

least the first half of 2009 that's pretty pretty soon i don't know obviously arnold

schwarzenegger can't you know he's the governor he can't be uh be the terminator i don't know

what they'll do i mean i guess it'll just be a you know a new terminator i guess i mean yeah i

mean if you think about it that old terminator terminator model is probably you know very old

and very uh i don't know how would you say obsolete yeah so uh i don't know i hope they

I heard they're going to put Jet Li in.

Jet Li?

As a Terminator?

Really?

Yeah.

They used to say Shaq wanted to be in Terminator 3 for the longest time.

That would be something.

I don't know about that.

The Japanese version.

I don't know.

What's his mother's name?

So Terminator.

The new Terminator movies are coming out soon.

You've got to look forward to them.

What do you want?

T3, 2G, 45?

Terminator 4.

What is it going to be?

What part of the storyline?

I never thought it would come this far

I know

You think they would have stopped Skynet how many times by now

I've been terminated

Skynet's been wiped off the earth

Like 15 times

It keeps coming back and coming back

Canceling up Skynet man

It's that man Barleto

That keeps re-inventing it

And the one last thing I wanted to talk about here

I don't know if you ever heard the

The mess out there on saving gasoline

You know gasoline is going up to $4 a gallon here in the states

It's currently an average of $3.07

I paid $3.09 for gas this evening

And that's

You're getting your ass clocked

Yeah

I just wanted to

Oh wow $2.49

Well you're right there

They have a refinery right there

That's why

But hey

I wanted to say real quick

We make most of the gasoline

For the South

Right

East or Seaboard of the United States

Well yeah true

But there were some studies made

You know the old myth

How like you know

You shouldn't run your air conditioning

If you want to save on gas

and you should leave your windows up don't roll them down because rolling them down creates a

drag on your car cutting down on fuel efficiency well sure enough they did a study and two separate

studies conducted in 2005 the uh the this uh edmunds.com and consumer reports uh they compared

the fuel economy of a sedan and an suv on the highway with and without air conditioning and

with open windows and not and it had no effect on the gas usage usage at all so you know feel free

to crank up the ac you're not going to affect the environment or your wallet at all um also they

used to say you know the best time to buy gas is on wednesday that's when the price is usually low

they've actually found out that's not the case there's no difference in the date it doesn't

matter if it's a weekend or not and uh restarting your engine uh does not change your uh the

consumption of gas it you know you know how people say you know don't turn your engine on and off

it's best to leave it idling it's not true that's not correct that is not how it happens that is it

that's the news now in other news we would like to bring up of course here i'm sure all of you

are waiting to find out uh what our take is on the whole situation between dr lego and pcu and pcr

once again we're throwing into this mix once again we're throwing throwing into the drama

of course and we're having to talk about it uh milkman why don't you explain a little bit what's

going on i is usually usual i'm out of the loop but jen i'm sure you've been keeping tabs on this

as well uh i heard most of last night's occurrences but uh let's let milkman uh give us the story and

and jen give us your take on it real quickly let's not dwell too long on it all right well

the most recent the most recent convolution in this story is it's been a lot of um disruptive

activity in the uh other network pcr.com and there's a lot of internal strife going on uh

Between the host and the owners cussing and other disrespectful behaviors and kind of gang up type activities.

And basically the owner of that network has decided that he is not interested in continuing doing business with the hosts of that network.

And he has decided that he's going to give up his ownership and he's going to come to Prank Call Underground Radio

and rejoin where he started at, back here, like we did in the good old days.

And the way it looks like it's going to happen is that the other is not going to,

doesn't want to join what they call underground radio.

So his ultimate end is really unknown at the moment.

All right, so Zolar and Lego are beefing together.

Will you know anything about what I'm talking about?

Do you understand?

You know, you remember when Lego and Zolar were on PCU back in the day, right?

And then they split off and made their own thing.

You're like, uh-huh, yeah, whatever.

So now Dr. Lego is going to come back to PCU, and he's the guy that runs PCR.

He's in charge of the servers and all that.

Excuse me.

And he got pissed off at Zolar.

The servers, the website, the streams, everything.

Yeah, he's in charge.

He runs prank call radio out of his own pocket.

And he got pissed off at his treatment from the people at PCR.

Very generously.

Yeah, he's coming back to PCU, and I guess Zolar is all ticked off,

and they're fighting and arguing and yada, yada, yada, and that's about it.

And it doesn't make sense to me, and I don't know.

I guess I was supposed to talk about it, so there it is.

There's a lot of verbal assault going around.

Yeah.

A lot of anger was wielded, and it's sad.

I hate to see that because we've been through this many times,

and it would be great if we could all come together and call and just have fun

because that's what it's about.

It's about having fun, not who's better than who.

Exactly.

But, you know, this is the real world, and everybody's going to agree.

Yeah.

So there we have a variety.

Jen's got a perspective exactly.

Yeah, Jen, you tell us real quick, what do you think of this whole thing?

Well, all I can say is, you know, save the drama for your mama.

You guys say it best, you know.

I don't know what to say on this because I was there yesterday.

I was listening to the PCR stream.

I listened to the argument between Peds and Zola and Dr. Leggo.

And that's all I can say, you know.

Why are they arguing?

What's the point?

You know, this is about entertainment.

entertainment this is not about you know fucking around yeah that's true yeah let's just have a

good time and save the drama for your mom i couldn't have said it better myself well hey

maybe out of all this we'll just end up you know everything will smooth itself out and everything

uh you have a block i had something came on just let you know do you want to block block junk

emails it says i'm talking to will but yeah you know and yeah i don't know that's it you know

what i mean hopefully it works out i don't know if it will hopefully it's not a big bit you know

Hopefully it's not some game they're playing.

If it is, then whatever.

If it isn't, then even better.

Dr. Legos is back on PCU.

He'll do a show.

He doesn't have to worry about so much crap.

He has a good time.

We all have fun.

That's what we're all here for.

And we all do prank calls.

That's what it's about, right?

Yeah.

So speaking of which, let's do some prank calls real quick then.

Get into this, baby.

That's what we're here for.

Let's do that now.

Let's see here.

B.A. Baracus, also known as Lonesome Loser, also known as Storm Shadow,

shadow also known as mr peepers is checking in with tons of numbers winkies winky dinks stop and

go uh whoops there it is that's an escort service called whoops there it is yeah there you go

remember that song remember there were two songs there was whoop there it is and whoop there it is

and there was a big fight over who was gonna be the best you remember that well whoop there it is

and whoop there it is and then they even that one guy got shot over there it is come on now that's

That's right, D.C. in the house, Jump Jump for Joy.

There's a party over here, a party over there, something, something, and yeah.

And then Ghetto for Life, Ghetto Records and Pagers.

Ghetto Records and Pagers?

Who uses pagers these days anyway?

Does anybody need a pager?

I don't know why.

You can use your phone as a pager.

Yeah, there'll be a fag.

We'll get a pager.

What is a pager?

A beeper?

Don't worry about it.

What do you guys call it?

A beeper?

I don't know.

Forget it.

A ringer.

Yeah, a ringer.

A digibox.

That's what they call it in Britain.

We also got Weeby Sushi.

We also have Weeby Knives.

We also have Weeby Kids.

And, of course, we got a submission for Sam the Donut Man, Dunkin' Donuts.

We haven't talked to him in about a month, so we'll give him a call later on here.

We've got the California Truck Jamboree, the Bear Hollow Jamboree.

And rounding out the top, in Scotland, we have Scoppa Harbor Master Harbor House.

Okay.

I think we tried to call them last week and nobody answered.

Well, we could definitely try that now.

Let's try to call these numbers early.

I got Alaska numbers.

We'll send them on over, Big Will.

It's 4.30 in the afternoon.

Is it?

Yes.

What's the time check?

We need to do a time check real quick.

Hang on.

Let me tell you what different times are out there.

I'm sorry.

It's 7.30 in the evening.

All right.

In Juneau, it is 7.38 LA right now.

The West Coast, 8.38 PM.

Honolulu, Hawaii, 5.38 PM.

It is 11.38 where Milkman is at, 11.38 PM.

Is it?

Really?

Milkman, what time is it over there?

They're 11.40?

11.40.

Same time as us.

Yeah.

Oh, because they don't have savings time.

That's right.

They don't switch the time.

No, he's the same time as we are, 11.30.

Yeah, but when we switch times, he stays.

Oh, he stays.

Yeah.

When we jump ahead, he stays behind.

Loser.

You're behind.

And in England, where Jen is at, it's 4.39 a.m.

Dude, that's awesome, man.

Thanks for being up, Jen.

We appreciate that.

I had that problem, man.

I sweat that all the time.

All right.

And, hey, our fighting men and women are fighting in vain.

Not in vain, but you know what I mean.

They're fighting.

It's 7.40 a.m. in Baghdad right now.

This goes out to you all, USA, all the way.

Right on.

What time?

7.39 in the morning and 48 seconds in Baghdad, Iraq.

You know what we should do is send them letters and then put our madhouselive.com on there

so they can listen while they're over there.

I would hope they would.

Because it'd be 7 o'clock in the morning.

They'd be getting up, you know, doing the exercise.

Yeah, drinking their coffee.

You know.

Doing all that.

Child, breakfast.

Cleaning their M16s right now.

Usually, that's what I would do if I was in the Army, so.

When I clean my gun, I usually do that at home, though.

Yeah.

Well, you're in Iraq.

You've got to keep the sand out of your gun.

Oh, I know what you're talking about.

I got you.

You're slow.

I'm slow.

Anyway, the toll-free line is now open.

If you want to call in and join us here, you can reach us at 1-888-278-8509.

I know what you meant.

Well, that's okay.

You don't have to show me your way.

I don't need to see it.

I understand what you were talking about.

We'll just have to make it over there.

I'll let you slide with that.

I know.

Now, let's call Sam the Donut Man before he goes home.

Humpy's Great Alaskan Ale House.

What?

Humpy's Great Alaskan Ale House.

That's all that bitch.

That sounds good.

Humpy's Great Alaskan.

The Moose Tooth.

Yeah, try to confirm those.

Yeah, let's go on.

Let's talk about it.

Yeah, I'm going to confirm them real quick.

That's right.

We'll be right back in just a moment with the first prank call of the night.

All right.

Mr. Rogers.

Hey, Papi, how you doing?

Hello?

Hey, Papi, how you doing?

Bobby.

Papi, Papi, how you doing, Papi?

Good, how are you?

Good, is Sam there?

Who?

Sam.

No.

Where he's at?

He's not working today.

When he work again?

No moment.

Okay.

When he work again?

Tomorrow, who's this?

He told me to call before to come over.

Who's this?

I'm calling from the charity, the charity house.

He was going to give us all the leftover bagels.

I have no idea.

How many bagels you have?

He said you're going to throw them out.

They come and get the bagels and the donuts you're going to throw out.

Nobody told me that.

But talk to Sam.

Sam said yes.

Ask him about me.

He knows me.

Well, Sam, he's not working today.

Well, call him.

He said you could call him.

Who is this?

Huh?

Who is this?

He said he's a manager.

Well, if I can't do nothing, I can't give no bagel up.

Well, you're going to throw away bagels.

You can give them out, man.

I can't do that.

What you got to give out?

What you got?

What you can give?

I always throw it away.

What do you mean?

We're in the dumpster?

Yeah.

It's in the back?

Yeah.

Can I go and get the stuff out of the dumpster?

Right now?

Yeah, right now.

Okay.

Well, there's no problem, right?

You don't call the police on me.

Sorry?

I don't want no problem with the police, you know.

I call them, I get the stuff.

In the dumpster, I'm not allowed to give no doughnuts.

Well, I say, but it's in the trash, right?

Yeah.

So I'm going to come down and take the dirty bagels from the dumpster, you know.

It's not even 30, it's like 10 or something.

Yeah, I just, I don't care.

Whatever it is, you know, it's for the poor people, you know.

Well, how are you going to give poor people, like, bagels from the dumpster?

Well, you said you were...

Sav said you were going to save him.

If you threw him away, then it's on you, man.

I have no idea.

Nobody told me that.

Well, he wrote my name on the bagels.

On what?

He said he wrote the name on the bagels.

Because there's no name on them.

I'll check back in a moment.

Did you put them in a bag?

A bag.

A piece of great Alaskan alehouse.

Sorry, I have nothing to do with it.

Look, man, I'm going to come get the bagels, but they better not be dirty.

Because...

I can't promise you it's going to be clean.

There's children who are going to eat them.

You know?

In a moment.

Okay.

We'll put someone on the phone who knows about bagels.

Who's the bagel manager?

Oh, they already started doing the bagel.

I mean, I can't give you a new bagel.

I don't want new bagels.

It's supposed to be old bagels.

Well, I told you, I have no idea, and I already threw the bagel.

So nobody told me that's what I wanted to do.

What?

I'm running in the garbage right now.

Sam told me, come down, get bagels.

You know, he didn't...

I don't care about Sam, because nobody told me nothing.

Well, Sam is in charge.

He said he's in charge.

I don't care.

I'm going to give a bagel if nobody told me that.

Well, he said, come down, get a bagel.

You know, I'm going to come and get the bagel.

It's in the trash

But I'm going to tell Sam in the morning

He's going to fire you, man

Tell him, I don't care

Who are you?

What is your name?

Louie

Louie?

Yes

Where is that from?

Right

What is your ethnicity?

My what?

Ethnicity

What do you mean?

Your ethnicity

What is your ethnicity?

My initial?

Okay, late Yusef

My full name

Yusef

Oh, here we go

Where are you from?

Syria?

No, Iraq

Oh, Iraq, huh?

Yeah

I was in Iraq, too

Oh, good

Yeah, you know the Sunni triangle?

Yeah

I was there, man.

I was in the sheet.

Yeah.

Yeah, I drove around in this machine.

You know what they call the tiger machine?

Okay, I got a customer.

Yeah, I know, but I need bagels.

You know, we got to figure this out, man.

I don't care.

I mean, I can't do nothing with that.

Well, unlock the...

I mean, just tell us something more of that.

Is the dumpster locked up?

Yeah, I guess.

Is it locked up?

I guess, yeah.

You put a lock on it?

Oh, I didn't put a lock, but I guess it's locked up.

Well, I'm coming down in my pickup truck, and I'm going to get the 20 bagels, okay?

Okay, okay.

Well, I guess I'm going to find it.

Well, I care because the kids are going to starve.

Okay.

Bye, Yusef.

Yusef.

You go fuck Yusef.

All right.

You go fuck Yusef.

I told you.

Durka, Durka.

Yeah, I didn't see me understood you.

Okay, Zolar.

Hang on.

All right, Milkman, you're supposed to talk after the call.

You know that, man.

Why don't you ever get that right?

I didn't want to interrupt.

I heard Will's time went in.

Was kind of waiting to see if I was going to get a break

Will's always got to talk

Wonderful call, man

Bobby, give me a bagel with cheese, man

Bagel with cheese?

You never put cheese on a bagel

Just cream cheese, but not regular

You never had cream cheese on a bagel?

No

McDonald's breakfast sandwiches got cheese on a bagel

Yeah, that's true

Those taste bad, they got a bad aftertaste to them

It's them funky bagels

They're too small and soft

You know what I heard about Krispy Kreme?

Like, you can make a sandwich that's called the Luther.

You ever heard of that?

With two donuts and some peanut butter and jelly?

No, I heard you take two Krispy Kreme donuts and you put the sausage and cheese and egg in the middle of it.

And you call it a Luther, apparently.

I'm getting that.

Don't you tell me that doesn't sound bad.

I would do that.

I'm getting that.

I'm looking that up right now.

I'm a diabetic son of a bitch, but I would eat that.

I'd lose my foot for that one right there.

I would take a hit.

I'd lose an eye.

Maybe at least get your tongue in.

Oh, the Luther Burger, also known as the Donut Burger or Hamburger Bacon Cheeseburger with the Glazed Donut.

Oh, yeah.

Well, that sounds good.

A Luther Burger, also referred to as a Luther or simply a Donut Burger.

Oh, it's a hamburger, specifically a bacon cheeseburger, which employs glazed donuts, such as a Krispy Kreme, in place of each bun.

You know, that doesn't sound bad.

And even still, if I did sausage and egg and cheese in between two jelly donuts, I would do that right there, too.

That's another point.

Let's do it, man.

We'll call it the Sugar Aids or something.

I don't know.

We'll call it something.

We've got to come up with a name for that burger right there.

All right, cool.

Let's come on.

The fingers you have used to dial.

To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

All right, so we'll continue.

with the next prank call of the night.

Let me see here.

We've got a submission from good old Lonesome Loser.

He's submitting.

Yo!

This is...

Working man in a radio.

This one's Poo Poo Limited.

Poo Poo Limited, he says.

This one's Scotland also.

That's kind of good.

But I really want to call this Ghetto Records and Pagers.

And this one is in Santa Ana, California.

Santa Ana, Santa Ana, Santa Ana.

That's fun to say fast.

Let's all say Santa Ana real quick.

Santa Ana, Santa Ana, Santa Ana.

yeah santa banana banana for fantasy nana santa santa all right all right

do the fruity all right get a rickers and pagers it is i'll be right back in a moment

with the next prank call of the motherfucking i believe in santa don't you i believe in anna

i like havana whenever you do that i think i feel like i'm doing you know what i mean i'm

used to that monitor in mind oh yeah i'm not doing that the hell hey hello what the shit

That's real funky.

Please enter your destination.

It sounded like music.

It sounded like they were in a toilet or something.

Yeah, that sounded like ow.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Is the internet here?

Yeah, yeah.

Fire up your dudes.

That's right.

It's time for a 21-gun salute.

We salute you.

Man, I saw that in concert, man.

I actually saw that in concert that you did.

Yeah?

All right, hey.

Your hands were shooting out fire like about eight feet.

And I mean, you was all just stepping, man.

Whatever you say, Milkman.

It sounds like it was a crazy trip, man.

Ghetto Records and Pagers is obviously a bust.

Oh, my God.

Yeah?

Ghetto Records and Pagers is obviously a bust, but instead we're going to call it Ghetto for Life.

Ghetto for Life.

Here in Clearwater, Florida.

I actually met him and got his autograph.

Angus Young, the lead guitarist.

For ACDC?

Yeah, man.

Milkman.

This dude, man, he was about, like, five foot maybe two, five foot three.

He had long hair down to his knees, and, I mean, he was, like, skinny like a rail, man.

Yeah.

And he had them up on top of these bouncers coming through the crowd,

and these people were pushing so hard they actually knocked them down.

And I had pushed myself all the way down to the very first bleacher rope,

and I caught him in my arms and pushed him back up in the air,

and he went up on the stage.

And after the show, he must have remembered me because he, like, come up and spoke to me,

and I got to meet him, and I got to talk.

It was cool, man.

Oh, shit.

That's awesome, dude.

Wow.

How do you spell ACDC, Milkman?

AC slash DC.

Okay.

You forgot the Thunderbolt.

All right.

But still, regardless.

That's a flash, man.

I thought it was a Thunderbolt.

That's an old Simpsons joke, man.

You wouldn't understand.

You're too old.

Yeah, I know.

It's all right.

It's all right, man.

We'll call Ghetto for Life here in just a moment.

Some balls of crap.

up big balls how you doing is this ghetto for life hello um yeah yeah uh uh yeah what's the

problem why are you talking like that you know um that is you have the wrong number no you just

said it's ghetto for life i said you say oh yeah so i don't have the wrong number right obviously

are you lying to me i'm sorry you don't i i you woke me up uh uh uh uh uh what's your name why

Why in the fuck do you think...

Hey, don't use the F word with me.

What are you talking...

What are you trying to talk...

I'm a customer.

I don't care.

I'm not a freaking company.

Like, you guys...

Like, people call here asking for that stupid ghetto for life.

Okay.

Crap.

So what do you...

What do you advertise as ghetto for life?

You're like a white girl and you say you're ghetto for life.

Obviously you're not.

I don't.

I lived here and moved here and the person who lived here before me...

How many black men do you sleep with?

You know what?

I'm going to report you as fucking...

You do that.

I'm not afraid.

I'm going to report you for race traitor.

What's your name?

My name is Jack Valenti, and I just had a stroke.

Okay, so I'm writing down that you are a race traitor.

You got it?

What's your name?

I'll write it down, and we'll see what happens.

Race traitor.

You think you can call my house and say...

Obviously you did, right?

And I'm asking for...

Why in the hell would you do that?

I want an explanation about this ghetto for life thing.

Explain it to me.

I have nothing to do with it.

I just explained to you all that I know.

I can't even understand you.

You're, like, sleeping with some man right now, and you're just talking all slow.

No, I fucking woke up.

Listen.

You're high on the crack cocaine.

It's called harassment.

No, I work fucking 40 hours a week, okay?

I'm sure you do, honey.

Whatever.

You sit back, and you get your little paycheck, and that's it.

Uh-huh.

You're an asshole that woke me up at night.

You know what?

This is fucked up.

You need more sleep is your problem.

No, I don't need someone calling me at fucking midnight and telling me that I just fucking

work for some stupid company called Ghetto for Life.

Well, hey, it's advertised as ghetto for life, and I'm looking for a basketball team to set up a basketball team.

What's the problem, right?

Please don't ever fucking call this number.

Oh, I will call.

I will call.

No, do not.

Well, what's your authority?

On whose authority, ma'am?

On whose authority?

Exactly.

You don't have anything on me.

Don't call me right now.

I'll think about it.

I need to talk to you, man.

Put your damn man on, you idiot.

That was good.

Yeah, I like the other one.

where they got sam you said let me speak to sam he's like he ain't here right now no that's sam

the donut man you don't know that oh i didn't know this guy right here that's the same oh that

was the bitch we call that's a dunkin donuts and he works at it fuck you a bitch that's what he

would say to you if you pissed him off will he'll say that to you it's typically if you say hello

that constitutes a fuck you motherfucker yeah you know what i find crazy is that my one of my

One of my roommates, the bald-headed one.

Yeah?

Yeah.

You had to think about that one.

He got credit.

Like, he can get credit at a Habib store.

Huh?

One of the Indian, you know, shopping all convenience store.

He got credit with him.

Like, he could say, yo, put that on my tab.

How do you get a tab somewhere?

I don't know how a white boy got the tab with him.

Yeah, he's a...

I can see the Indians getting tabs all day.

Yeah, but she didn't really give a Puerto Rican guy a tab.

He's a broke, bald-headed white dude that looks like he's about 30, but he's only 20.

Yeah.

No, he's 21.

I'd be embarrassed to go somewhere and say, put that on my tab.

Like, have a tab at a bar.

Well, he had the fade back, you know, the hair here.

Right.

And it's just way back here.

Oh, like the Mr. Bird.

But then he just cut it all off and then grew the beard.

Now he look like a biker almost.

Oh, so they're probably afraid of him.

Like, do not hurt us, please.

Here, we can take all these.

And they got him on credit.

I'm like, how did you do that?

I don't get it.

I don't know.

We'll figure that out.

Next.

Whatever.

Next.

Coming up next.

Jim, why don't you call in and do some calls with us, man?

You want me to do that now or you want me to do that later?

I don't know.

Now.

Now, yeah.

I got Scotland numbers if you want to call in.

Do your damn job.

Yeah, do your job, Jim.

Make your wages.

No offense.

Just do it.

I don't want to make you mad at me.

We've got three numbers in Scotland I got here holding for you on the burner.

We've got other ones, too.

You let me know what you want to do.

Bless you, Will.

I know the Scottish numbers are a bit boring.

I don't want to piss anybody in Scotland off.

All right.

They know where you live.

What's up with Weeby Knives?

Anyway, Weeby Knives.

I mean, that's like totally bad English.

Not proper.

Weeby Sushi.

There's another one.

I mean, that's a totally improper way of speaking.

See, I think it would be funny if Jen, with his British accent, were to call in and tell

them that they were using bad grammar by calling their company Weeby Knives.

I think that would be a good thing.

That's not me.

I know.

That's Jen.

I want to say that's me.

That's not Jonathan.

That's jenstewart.com calling in.

Jonathan didn't call?

Where is Jonathan, huh?

Jonathan did not call.

I'm Dave.

I'm in jail.

I'm blessed to sit on the back of my bus.

I'm in jail.

I'm trying to call you collect.

Jonathan, you're on the air.

No, Jonathan, it's Jen.

Oh, what's up?

You're supposed to be Jonathan for a second there.

No, fucking A.

Fucking A.

All right, man.

So I told you what I had.

I had three Scottish numbers.

You came back and said no.

No, I didn't hear what you said because I was actually dialing your number.

Oh, I'm sorry, brother.

I've got Pooh Pod Limited in Scotland.

I've got Thomas Poole, P-O-O-L.

And we've got the Scapa Harbour Master Harbour House.

The Scapa, what was that?

The Scapa Harbour Master Harbour House.

That's too much of a mouthful.

But we'll call the, you have the private number.

The private, Thomas Poole?

Yes, sir.

Yeah.

You're still by the computer, sir?

I am in front of the computer.

Okay, do you want me to send it to you on AIM?

I'll send you the details so you have it in front of you?

Yeah, go for it.

All right, hang on, let me open that up here.

Oh, Will, this is Trillian Astra.

This is the alpha version of it.

It's a piece of shit.

You know, I uninstalled that thing because I like the old Trillian better.

I don't like that ad.

Yeah, it freezes up a lot.

I changed the skin to the original one.

It's so bad, man, that once you try to go back to regular Trillian,

it's actually screwed up your drivers.

Oh, it's screwed up the drivers?

Me and Neil figured out a way to get rid of it.

All right, Milkman, get with me after the show, because I'm going to have to uninstall that tonight, because it's horrid.

Yeah, it makes your system really unstable.

Yeah, it does, it does.

And the stupid, remember, Jim, where we're talking about the RSS feed and every single...

Dude, Will, this takes every single conversation you have, it scans your conversation,

and it throws out news articles related to what you're talking about for you to start a conversation about.

Isn't that stupid?

Yeah, I got rid of it.

Yeah.

You know how Google and Gmail, it'll scan your email?

and, like, if you have an email open, it talks about...

Look for keywords.

Yeah, it'll look for keywords in your email and throws you ads.

Yeah, well, this one looks for keywords in your instant messages,

in your conversation, and it throws you news articles related to that.

Oh, that's scary.

Isn't that scary?

Scary.

Well, yeah, what if you're trying to have cyber...

Yeah, but you can opt out of that.

What if you're trying to have cyber sex?

All right.

$3.99, get some other money.

Well, you may have a bunch of other, like, homosexuals calling you

or at least coming into your chat.

All right.

You're right, Milkman.

Hang on, everybody.

Gin's coming up with the Thomas Poole and Scotland.

We'll be right back after this.

Hang on, folks.

1-4-7-1.

Hello?

Hello, double 1-4-2?

Yes, yes, hello.

Double 1-9-7-9-8-8.

Hey, listen, I'm looking for Mr. Poole.

Which one?

Tom.

Tommy.

Oh, hang on a second.

Yes, I'm waiting.

1-7-8-9-9-4-3-22-1-7-3.

Waiting for Toby to get to the phone.

I did not scream too loud.

My lady's going to go crazy.

Hello.

Yes, hello.

Mr. Kool.

Yes?

Yes.

Good morning, sir.

Top of the morning.

I hope I didn't wake you, sir.

My name is Jim.

Oh, I did.

Well, that's not good.

I'm so sorry about that.

But, sir, you'll get over it, I'm sure.

Listen, I just moved into MediDrive last night,

and I thought, sir, that I would like to get to know, you know, some of the neighbors.

And I heard that you, sir, are the popular person in the neighborhood

and you're the finest person to have a pint with.

So I thought perhaps we could get together, have a pint,

have a few laughs, go around, spray a bit of graffiti around the lady drive.

What do you think?

Maybe not.

Please hold the line.

A very friendly chap.

Please hold the line.

What the fuck?

When she picked up, what was she going on about?

She was like, 112-975.

Please hold the line.

Oh, we're on a hold.

Hang on, let's see if they come back real quick.

Maybe this will take too long.

Oh, man, I hope they patched over some cops or something.

That'd be cool.

All right.

Well, while we're on that, I'm going to look at other numbers we can call here.

All right.

We've got one here.

Lonesome Loser just sent one Ashley Windsor in Berkshire.

Oh, nice.

All right.

You want that one?

Yeah, go for it.

All right.

Let me call that and say, because we're not going to wait here all day for this jackass.

Yeah, give me, while I dial it, I will send it to you.

All right, good stuff.

All right, let me find a song to play.

We're going to play some Biz Marquis, and we'll be right back with the next call.

Is that a girl that you tried to date?

Yeah.

This is Billy Dee Williams, everybody.

What did he do?

Was he, um...

He was a porn star in the 80s.

Billy Dee?

Like, skin black.

Hmm.

Wasn't he in Star Wars?

I thought he was a singer.

No.

Wasn't he, uh...

I thought it was Lando Carrizia.

No.

80s.

Come on, you twit.

That's right.

You tell him, Will.

Rest in peace for what?

For me.

For Texas.

Oh, how to make some dips.

Madhouse nachos.

All right.

Yeah, I'm going to post that in the chat rooms for people to...

I guess so. I don't know what the heck's going on tonight, man.

Just sad. Sad, sad, sad.

You want to try that Harbormaster Harbor House thing?

Hang on, I couldn't hear you.

What was that?

Everybody's going to talk when Jen's trying to talk.

You're people.

Every time Jen's explaining his situation, we lose.

Alright, so I've got the Scapa Harbor House, or we've got the Pooh Pod Limited.

This is a poo pod.

Alright, we'll try that.

I have a poo, and I need to put it in a pod.

In a pod. I need a poo for my pod.

Why don't we put Will into the call as well?

Will can come into the call, because I haven't heard Will be recording.

I don't think he's that good at calls.

I don't know.

Yeah, well, I can put him in. I can guide him in.

Okay, Will.

I got poo.

He's ready for it. Hang on.

Hang on, folks.

PooPodLimited and Jen Stewart and Will Davis coming up.

That's your last name, Davis?

Yeah, sure. Will Davidson.

Hey, what up, yo? Is that the Pooh Pie?

Is that the one, sorry?

Hey, that's the Pooh Pie, right?

Yeah.

Like the Pooh Pooh, you know what I'm saying?

What is it y'all guys do?

Because I was browsing the net, right?

And I was a crazy motherfucker, right?

Me and my man, we was looking for scat, right?

You know what that shit is?

It's some crazy shit, you know what I'm saying?

And like, we was looking for that shit, right?

And we was coming up with your name.

And I was like, what the hell, man?

What you guys do?

Where you phoning from?

Oh, we is up in Brooklyn, you know?

You know you seen someone in England?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, hold up, hold up.

Now, tell me, what is it that y'all guys do?

Because we could get on the plane right now.

You know what I'm saying? Me and my man, we can get up in this bitch, you know?

Who's this?

What the fuck? Hey, hey, hold up, man.

I'll ask you a question, right?

You answer the question, then we get up on this, all right?

Now, what's your name?

Well, you tell me your name.

All right, my name is Jen, all right?

Now, we go to step two, all right?

Now, check this out.

What is it that y'all do?

Hey, what?

You want to speak up, baby?

I can't hear you.

Yo, hey, what is it that y'all guys do?

Because we like, we want the scat, right?

So you can, like, do the scat.

Huh?

What is a scat?

All right, a scat.

Yeah, you know what I'm saying, man?

It's like when you got, like, two people, and you got, like, the one person that you shit on another person, and that's the scat right there.

That's the scat right there.

That's what I'm saying.

And that's what we're looking for right now.

Please enter your...

Perfect timing because I had something that crashed here and now it didn't crash anymore.

Long story, Jen.

Jen, very well done, man.

Very well played.

Yeah, I tried.

Very well.

You want to do one more?

Yeah, go ahead.

Real quick here.

I got Richard Sampson.

He's in Berkshire also.

Yeah, nice.

Just confirmed about two minutes ago, so here we go.

Let me get a song to play here real quick.

A little ghetto boy, Donny Hathaway, coming at you.

98.6 the mouth, one moment.

Send me the details.

Yes, one moment.

Okay.

I will.

Welcome to BT answer 1571.

The person you're calling is...

I don't know what's going on, Jim.

Oh, Richard, it's me, Jimmy.

I just wanted to call because I want to take you to the gay parade tonight.

So give me a call back.

My number's 12345678910.

Okay, thanks a lot.

Bye-bye.

Oh, Richard, it's me, Jimmy.

I just wanted to call because I want to take you to the gay parade tonight.

Guys, give me your call back, man.

Go back to 78910.

Okay, thanks a lot.

Bye-bye.

I like the end.

There it is.

That's too much.

I don't know what's going on with the numbers.

I think we're just hitting a dry spell, Jen.

Say again?

I think we're hitting a dry spell.

All the numbers are...

Alaska.

Oh, okay.

Will sent one in from Alaska.

We're going to have you do one more if you don't mind.

I'm sorry about that.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I know.

It's putting you on the spot and shit.

That's the way I love it, you know.

Yeah, well, you know, it takes the heat off of me, and I'm a lazy Puerto Rican, so you

know how that is.

Yeah, well, I do four hours on my show at Constant Tranquil.

Oh, so you're used to it then.

Yeah.

All right.

All right, then.

Will has sent in Humpy's Great Alaskan Ale House.

That's right.

And I got a good...

I got a good detail for that.

Yep.

Yep, that's coming in from Big Will 420.

What's 420 mean, Will?

I need to sneeze.

God bless you.

Use your imagination.

All right, 420 degrees.

It means weed, man.

All right, man.

It's the weed, you know what I'm saying?

All right, there you go.

The widow.

All right, hang on.

Okay, I'm looking.

Here we go.

Alaska, everybody.

Coming up.

Perfect timing.

Any second now.

Oh, it's Alaska.

It always takes a while.

It's got to go through Canada

before it gets to Alaska.

No, I'm sure they do.

Hope you're here just in time.

We're going to take a break

after this, everybody.

Talk to one of my managers?

I want to talk to the manager.

Get him on the phone right now.

Okay.

Oh, fucking filthy bitch.

Thanks, Will.

I'm Star Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

How I wonder where you are

So son of a bitch

Hello

Playing games with me on hold

Call me Don, what's going on?

Alehouse is Joe

Oh

Give me the manager

Whoa

This manager's taking forever

Stop fucking talking

Manager's

Mr. Wall, can I help you?

Hello, what's your name?

Stop!

So, what's your name?

Do me a favor. Speak up a little bit. Put your mouth closer.

All right, now listen here, you fucking ass. What's your name?

Hey, hey, hey. Watch your mouth.

Well, you watch your fucking face. Now, what's your name?

What's your name?

Don't call. Don't call.

Hey, shut up. Hey, I got a complaint.

You guys, you kicked me out.

You said I was drunk, you fucking ass.

He hung up.

He hung up. He hung up.

We'll try to call him back.

Hang on.

That party pooper.

Was that Joe?

Was that the Joe you talked to?

No, that's for Joe.

I didn't catch his name.

No, that wasn't Joe.

That wasn't Joe.

That's for Joe, though.

That's for Joe.

That way you get a different person.

Yeah, but we're waiting for the lady to come back.

I don't know.

Lady's not coming back, so we're going to have to dial it directly.

Just a moment here.

We're going to take a break after this, folks, so hang on.

Hoppy's Alehouse.

Yes, hello.

Could I speak to Joseph, please?

Hoppy's Alehouse.

Yes, hello.

Could I speak to Joseph, please?

Who?

Yes, hello.

Can I speak to Joseph?

I can't hear you.

I said, can I speak to Joseph?

Asshole, he hung up already.

Son of a cop.

God, for fuck's sake.

I know.

Am I coming through quiet or something?

The thing is, they're in Alaska.

His audio is very low.

Well, you know, it takes forever to get through.

I think they have really crappy phone lines in Alaska.

We've had this problem with them before.

Oh, my bad.

I didn't know.

It's not me, then.

No, no, it's okay.

It's not Will's fault.

It's all right.

But you've got to think, we've got gins calling from Britain to Florida.

And then halfway around the world.

Yeah, and then we're patching them all the way to Alaska, which is almost by Russia.

Awesome. I love this shit.

Yeah, it is. That's very...

Halfway around the world.

Yeah.

All right, Gene, get back on the computer. We're going to take a break.

Yeah, yeah, I'm coming now.

Oh, now it's ringing.

Uh-oh.

Oh, okay.

Uh-oh. What's this?

AT&T security coming up next.

All right, I'm going to kill it.

Will's messing up our flow.

It was good. No, it was good.

It was good when Gene first got to talk to them.

We're going to take a break because I need to do stuff.

Before we do that...

All right.

Before we do that, I'm going to play here right quick a Dr. Lego track.

This is the supreme sound of shitting.

What the fuck?

You never heard these before, Jen?

This is Dr. Lego.

What the fuck is this?

In the 90s, Dr. Lego and some guy who died in a plane,

they made this tape called a gross tape and they sold like a whole...

John Denver?

Not John Denver, no.

It was the big bopper.

and they made this tape of them

making, you know, shitting and pissing

and farting and burping and stuff.

That's fucking stupid. Why would anybody

listen to that? Oh, he sold a bunch of

copies of it and that's how he, I don't know, he's

really... Jesus Christ.

You can make money off anything.

Obviously, now here's, Dr. Lego does...

Do the wild laughing. Yeah, well listen to Dr.

Lego's intro real quick, hang on.

Warning, the material you are about to listen to on this

audio tape is of an obscene and profound

nature. This tape contains throwing up,

shitting, pissing, burping, farting, snots and spinning, gargling, slurping, snoring, ripping, flesh, maggots, crazy laughing, coughing, and a blowing nose.

If this tape should offend you in any way, please shut the player off now.

This cassette was made strictly for amusement purposes only and does not suggest or imply any harmful or illegal acts.

This tape is copyrighted to use of any sounds and whole or part is considered a felony.

Without written consent of the publisher, we hope you enjoy it.

Hey, wait a minute. So does that mean we're committing a felony right now because we're playing it without Lego's permission?

quite possibly

but what the fuck

why would anybody

want to listen to that

can you believe

that's a young

Dr. Lego talk in there

that was wow

this was

I know his voice

is like

it's there

but it's young

this is 12 years ago

I bought this tape

in 95

so this is 12 years old

if not older

so you ripped the tape

I ripped the tape

yeah

so now it's preserved

yeah now it's preserved

oh my god

this is funny

here's crazy laughing

this is the crazy sound

of crazy laughing

alright so

So, anyway, we'll put that in the background while we get ready for the break.

Our break is now coming up.

It is now 1228 a.m.

It's Friday.

Congratulations, everybody.

Let's call Pharmacy next.

Yeah.

Let's get you in the call, Pharmacy.

Pharmacy's next, Milkman says.

Jen, well, you can hear me.

You're not on the phone anymore.

My bad.

Yeah, I'm not on the phone.

I'm stupid.

All right.

All right, that's enough of that.

So, can you believe that?

Can you believe Dr. Lego made that tape?

That's funny.

No, I can't believe that.

That's fucking weird.

Yeah, but the best part is I bought that tape in 1995

before I knew anything about PCR, PCU, or Dr. Lego.

There wasn't even real internet radio.

Yeah, there was no internet radio.

Of course not, yeah.

So back then, I just saw the tape, and I bought it,

and I laughed my ass off when I heard it.

And sure enough, later on, I meet the real Dr. Lego.

Pretty crazy, huh?

I remember building a PC, man,

man, because we had a 3-1-1 in our shop, man, and we built our first 95 BC, and it had

shortcuts, you know, and we thought, oh, boy, this is cool.

All right, guys, the break is here.

Time for the break.

95 was a big piece of shit.

We're going to, you tell them, Milkman, we're going to be back in about five minutes, everybody.

This is the crazy sound.

Not that.

All right.

We'll be right back in about five minutes.

This is Madhouse Radio on the Madhouse Radio Network.

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Welcome back, everybody.

All up in the house.

We have, how many listeners right now?

We've got 60 online.

Whoa, look at that.

We've got a lot of listeners on TalkShoe right now.

All right, man.

TalkShoe coming in with one, two, three, four, five, six listeners on TalkShoe.

We have an official count here.

Let me get that ready.

Let's see if I can get this here.

The official count of listeners right now, live, 68 listeners, everybody.

68 listeners.

Yeah, I'd like to also thank all my friends over at Yahoo for joining in, all our friends all over this big load.

Madhouse Radio Network.

All right, we have a caller on a toll-free line. Hang on.

Madhouse Radio, you're on the air.

Can I buy some heroin?

What's up, man? How you doing, dead?

Okay.

Milkman called, so I'm calling in.

So Milkman told you to call. I'll have to have a conversation with him now.

Of course.

Yeah, so what's up, man?

Man, how you doing tonight? How's everything going?

Yeah, I need some heroin, man.

I don't have heroin. I don't do the horse.

But you're Carlito, man.

Not that Carlito. I'm like Carlito the wrestler.

You're Carlito, yo.

Not that.

You're heroin, man.

I'm not Carlito Brigante. I'm Carlito... I don't know what the wrestler's last name is.

What's wrong with you?

You been drinking? What are you drinking? Mountain Dew tonight?

Yeah?

I'm drinking hunting dew.

I'm sober because I'm taking penicillin.

Oh, yeah, you can't mix alcohol with penicillin, man.

That's bad news.

I got a fucking root.

Well, one beer isn't going to, you know, fuck it up.

It's going to give you the shits, man.

Don't do that.

I want to mix.

You don't want to drink, yeah, on antibiotics.

You don't want to drink alcohol because it's going to make you really sick to your stomach.

It weakens the effectiveness.

And Milkman says it weakens the effectiveness also.

Did you get any painkillers with that, root canal?

No, no.

No, I see that.

I see you guys should have gotten some Lortab or something, you know, for the pain.

He wanted to give me Motrin.

I would like to know.

Motrin?

What the hell?

That's pussy shit.

He should have...

He came into us as a dentist, so you know how they are.

Oh, yeah, that sucks, man.

That sucks, dude.

I'm sorry about that.

He really should have given you some Vicodin or something.

Not Vicodin, but, you know, Vicoprofen or something.

That's crap.

So what else has been going on, man?

How do you feel about the whole PCU, Dr. Lego thing?

Are you happy?

Last night, you were spot on, man.

You really stuck with the Zola.

A lot of people were saying it was funny.

Hey, you know what?

I don't like him.

Yeah, that was funny.

I didn't like him, you know.

He didn't for a couple of weeks, for like maybe months, he wasn't that funny.

He had an ego trip to his mind, and he's an egoistic motherfucker.

You're right. He is no liar. He doesn't need to do long shows.

People we are dead

Tuning

Because he's

Zolar

Yeah

Zolar

Big fucking deal

Zolar

Get it the cop

Big fucking deal

He's on Zolar

He's an idiot

Zolar

You want to talk to Zolar

He's got a great voice now

Isn't he

Huh

Why not

Alright cool

Let me get Zolar on the line

Hang on

Hang on folks

Leave him a message

The dead

I'll be able to get back to you as soon as I most possibly can, and thanks for calling.

Record your message.

Why didn't you pick up the phone, you fucking egotistical motherfucker?

You have some small cojones talking to me, huh?

Yeah, you're scared, man, because you're scared that I'm gonna fucking own you again

and call you to the madhouse, you motherfucker.

Bye.

And that's the dead, everybody.

Good work, the dead.

Fucking whore.

We appreciate that.

Well, thanks for calling in today.

It's always an honor.

I don't have any numbers right now, dude.

We're drawing numbers, so I'll let you know.

I'll message you if I'd like you to call back in.

Welcome back, DD.

Welcome back to Dead Madhouse.

All right, man.

Take care, brother.

All right.

To Dead, everybody.

Dude, he went off last night, and he stole the spotlight.

I was just scared.

That was...

I was rolling around, man.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, maybe we shouldn't have done that anyway.

Well, so the toll-free line is open.

If you want to call in, it is 888-278-8509.

We're kind of out of phone numbers right now, so if you want to send some in, please do so.

Either at Madhouse Radio on AOL Instant Messenger.

You can go into the chat room.

Visit madhouselive.com for details.

Yahoo Messenger, Madhouse Radio Online, and MSN Messenger, madhouselive at hotmail.com.

You working on a number, Will?

Will's trying to confirm here, and I'm sure Lonesome Loser's working on that, too.

So we are quite all right, folks.

In just a moment, we'll come back with something, I suppose.

In the meantime, I don't know what we could do.

Ted said he might call in.

Ted, if you want to call in, call in.

Where's Jonathan?

Jonathan?

Where is Jonathan?

Jonathan did not call in.

We should call.

Do you want to try to call Jonathan?

See what he's up to.

Why would Jonathan not call in tonight?

I don't know.

I'm worried about him.

Hope everything's okay with him.

Unless he took offense to us talking about him.

Yeah, anyway.

All right.

Super.

Wanted to play something.

That's right.

I know what I wanted to play, bro.

I want you to hear this crazy old lady going off on the telemarketer, dude.

I mean, bad.

Like, super bad.

Super duper bad.

Give me a moment, I'm going to get that here for you folks.

That's a great song.

Okay, I found it here.

Now this, I want you guys to hear this and tell me what you think.

This is insane.

It's playing right now.

This is on YouTube.

I'll post a link in a second.

Crazy old lady telemarketer calling.

My house has been broken into.

I need to talk to your lawyer.

I just called my lawyer.

What state are you from, ma'am?

It doesn't make any difference.

You don't get to ask me any questions.

I was just abused.

I can call you any square name.

I need your first and last name.

And believe me, there are consequences.

It was to the point where I actually had an appendix rupture because of telemarketing calls.

It doesn't matter what state it is, illegal, you're an arrester, you're a hater, hurt, or life-destroyer, I need your first and last name.

The police are listening.

Okay, my name's Alex.

What's your last name?

I don't give my last name.

You call them, let me talk to your supervisor. The police are ready.

Okay, I actually am a supervisor here. I can help you.

You broke a law. You did a felony arrest.

I used to be an EMT. People died because my answering machine was full. You don't have to give your last name, Alex.

Not if I don't want to.

You shit.

Are the police really listening in on this?

They want me to get you. Wait, you can hear it in a minute. You can hear the click. You guys, the click.

Okay.

And by the way, we fully abide by the do not call list rules.

You cannot call anybody. What are you talking about?

Alex, here's what we do, the organization I'm a part of, I know three people have died,

literally.

We will find out who all your female relatives are, and they will never ever be off any list.

Do you understand?

We will find out who your female relatives are, and then we will go to your teachers.

Your taxes will be audited every single year for the rest of your life, and will not even

You will be a smidgen of the pain that you caused by your telemarketing.

You nasty son of a bitch.

You are a murderer.

You're a hater.

You're a life destroyer.

If every telemarketer could call every number, it could not be private phone calls.

People have hernias erupted.

People have appendices.

People cannot call their ambulances.

You are worse than any terrorist.

And we will find out.

I will go to my lawyer, the police.

I think he walks outside.

We will fight out you and your family and you will be on every telemarketing list in the world.

That sounds like a good idea.

Your phone will never stop ringing.

Your taxes will be audited and your children's teachers will know what you have done.

You are a life destroyer. You are a terrorist.

You are a murderer. You are a life destroyer.

You are a human being.

You deserve every pain known to man.

If we find out your last name, there will be charges brought.

Do you understand?

Every year, for the rest of your life, you and your family's taxes will be audited.

That sounds like a threat to me.

What threat? They cleaned my number?

In which case, I'm glad to hear that.

That is a felony. That is a felony. My house has been broken into.

Yeah, it's a threat. It's a legal threat.

I'm going to tell you why you're a lying crook.

Is it that all of your family will be on every call list?

Isn't it interesting you consider that a threat?

I don't. It doesn't really bother me. I'm already...

Okay, they will never ever sleep, wait, before we got our pension off, our phone rang every 10 or 15 minutes all night.

Your, and that was just in three, no, your family, any of them, if we talk, will never ever, ever, ever be able to have a normal list of phone number, ever.

Okay.

That's okay with you?

Yeah.

Okay, do you have any grandmothers?

Sure.

They will never, ever, ever be able to have a normal phone number.

That's okay with you?

Yeah.

Your parents, they'll get called every 5 or 10 minutes, every 20 hours a day?

I already do.

And you think that's okay?

It doesn't bother me, ma'am.

Oh, then you're an abuser.

Okay, so do you ignore it?

What do your children do?

No, if I hear the pause from the predictive dialer,

I would just hang up if I don't feel like that.

So you cannot have...

So what if you're eating dinner or going to the bathroom?

You have to get up, or do you take the phone to the table

so you hear the pause and hang up?

No, if I wasn't able to get to the phone,

I'd just let it ring, and if it's important, I'll leave it.

No, but you don't...

Oh, my God, you would basically let the phone ring?

The whole time you're an abuser.

So you never have conversations, you never listen to music,

you never watch movies, you never talk, because the phone is ringing all the time?

You're lying, you son of a bitch.

You're lying, you son of a bitch, son of a bitch.

So are you saying now, I'm getting a calm down,

so you're saying that where you live, the phone never stops ringing and that's okay with you?

Because that is one reason we can have social services go to your home.

I hope they play this tape in court someday, ma'am.

It won't go to court, but it will go to your superiors.

And we certainly are calling and asking about any Alex.

And if you're laughing, we have a list here.

If you don't know this state, that is odd.

I am very blind.

We have a list here of deaths because of calls.

I would think that you'd have a hard time proving that, but okay.

Oh, wait, I think that have already been called.

That have already gone to court.

People who have died.

People who could not get to ambulances.

People who had miscarriages.

People who could not dial 911.

People who could not sleep all night because of the calls.

In our state, we take them to court, you bet.

And you're laughing? So you're saying your phone never stopped ringing, and your family doesn't care?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Well, your wife will leave you, believe me.

I'm not married.

But you have, oh, so what was this about the children don't care?

What's that?

So you're there with the children, you were lying about that?

I never said I had children.

I said that you have a family, and you said yes, and we don't care that the phone rings every day.

We just don't answer it.

Everybody has a family, ma'am. I mean, there's not just the children.

So you're saying that you laughed at me and ridiculed me?

I'm not laughing at you, ma'am.

And you said, I'd like to hear it.

This played back in court.

I'm actually supposed to get your last name and call the police.

You don't ever call a human being.

And so if we had to call and block every number,

then we would have to do that every ten minutes.

You are a terrorist.

You are a rapist.

You are a terrorist.

A rapist.

That's a pretty harsh accusation.

You walked into his gang rape.

Said that hurt no American because he actually moved.

It's much worse, it's much more of an invasion and more permanent pain, more life destruction,

more permanent life destruction, home destruction, life destruction.

It helped us rape.

I'm the state and I'm a friend of the state president.

When it went to court, it was compared to the level of abuse where the person is unconscious

and permanently damaged.

It was compared to that level of physical abuse and that brought it up to a first class

felony, you SOB.

be and you're laughing at me no that was in our legislature it is so life-destroying that people

cannot function as a family or in their workplace or to order life destroyer every breath you are

you are worse than anything we're fighting in iraq you are an abuser you are a hater

i understand who the alex is who works all the downs for the work for your company you will all

I'll be audited, and if that's, and be on every phone list, and if that's a threat,

please, you hurt, you hurt for a living, you ruin their life, you ruin home, it's nasty, nasty.

What the hell was that?

Oh my God.

It's crazy, right?

Jim, did you hear that?

I need that number.

That was millions lameo.

I don't know where that came from.

That was millions lameoed on that call.

You think?

I don't know.

I don't know, whatever it was, I saw that on the, on dig.com.

Jim knows who was talking about it.

It was posted on YouTube.

I'm going to post that for everybody to hear.

I did.

On their own.

There you go.

That's in both chat rooms now.

That was Mayans Lameo doing the call.

Didn't you hear him?

No, I didn't know.

Was it really?

No, I had no idea.

I don't know.

If it is, you know.

Yeah, that was him, man.

I hope you're not pulling my chain, man.

I could smell smoke from outside, Will.

Of course not.

This is not good.

Do you smell that?

It smells like barbecue outside.

Hang on.

Let me look and see if there's a lot of ash or smoke.

There's a little bit of haze out there.

I see some traffic going by, but we're not on fire yet.

Put out the bowl.

Yeah, that's what it is, I think.

That's what I think it is.

If you don't, you're a life destroyer.

Yeah, that's insane.

That lady's just crazy.

Old, old bag lady, man.

Sad, sad thing.

To get so wound up about a telemarketing call, for God's sake.

Excuse me.

So Ted's going to call in now.

So I hear.

We'll see if he does.

He's going to be doing a prank call for us to the Eagle River Bingo and Casino, he says.

That's in Alaska.

So we've got that to look forward to.

Other than that, we'll be wrapping up the show here more than likely after that.

Maybe we'll do another.

Well, we've got some calls here.

What did you send, Will?

Tell me real quick, what have you sent in?

You sent in two numbers already?

24-hour car rental.

24-hour towing.

Yeah.

And what time is it in Juneau right now, do you think?

Let me see.

Juneau, it is currently.

I'll find out in a hot second here.

Hang on, let me get the phone.

In Juneau, Alaska.

It's 8.57.

It is 8.57.

You're very correct.

Will, you get a gold star for getting that right.

Let's get Ted on the line here.

All right, Big Ted, what's going on?

How you doing, brother?

Are we herders?

Herders.

What is a herder?

H-U-R-D-E-R-S.

I guess that's what she was saying.

H-U-R-T-E-R-S.

Herders.

Oh, I thought you were saying a herder.

No, no, no.

I'm not a herder, no.

Not like that.

What's going on, man?

Not me.

How's the hockey season treating you so far?

I understand you're in a hockey team.

Yeah, well, I'm in a scrub league, so.

Is it ice hockey or four hockey or what is it?

It's ice hockey.

Ice hockey.

Really?

In a rink in California?

Yeah, we have the Logitech Ice Center.

It has four Olympic-sized rinks.

Oh, wow.

Good mice.

Very good mice.

So...

What was that?

Good mice.

Logitech mice.

You know, mouse.

You know, a mouse for the computer.

Oh, yes, yes.

Yeah.

They make good mice there, yeah.

So, wow, that's weird, though.

The hockey season in May, like right in the summer, that's kind of odd.

I don't know.

They have it going year-round.

Oh, yeah.

Well, the NHL season is like the longest season in all professional sports in America, right?

Isn't it like nine months long?

Yeah, it's pretty long.

Yeah, it starts like sometime around August, I think.

I don't remember.

I used to be into NHL, but I haven't paid attention to it since that strike.

I don't know.

I pay more attention to whether I can get the ball.

Or the puck.

The puck in the net.

If you're trying to get the ball and then you're playing hockey, you've got a problem, brother.

I don't know.

I don't know what to tell you there.

Yeah.

So what's your take?

You're cool with Dr. Legle coming to PCU, right?

Yeah.

But you're not cool with Corsazola coming to PCU.

He doesn't want to come anyway.

No, I'm not cool with that.

Okay.

Okay. All right. Well, there it is. That's Ted.

Ted's report right there. You heard it here first.

Well, he said it yesterday anyway, so.

You heard it here on the mouth.

98.6.

The breaking news. I played the mouth on accident, actually, but there it is.

All right. So you want to do that prank called the casino, man?

Yeah.

Okay. So this is the...

Do you want me to call it?

Yeah. I'll take care of it for you. Don't worry.

All right.

Sit tight. Eagle River Bingo and Casino.

This is in Alaska also. We're hitting up Alaska tonight, apparently.

That's what Will's working on, confirming a way over here.

Interesting.

Lonesome Loser, I think he's napping.

That's okay, Lonesome Loser.

You can take a break if you want.

We're going to end the show soon anyway, but you've contributed plenty tonight.

You're the man.

Lonesome Loser helps you out, right, in your show, right?

He sends you numbers and all that good stuff?

He doesn't come around on Fridays.

He might be working on Fridays, maybe.

I mean, you know, he helps everybody else out, so that's cool.

Okay, well, I'm sure it's not...

I just keep calling Motel 6.

I hear that also.

That's great, man.

The Motel 6 calls are funny.

All right, yeah, that's a good show.

Okay, you're on, I'm sorry, Friday nights at 10 o'clock, no, 11 o'clock Eastern?

Uh.

Yeah, 8 o'clock your time, right?

That's when you start?

Right, 8 o'clock.

8 o'clock Pacific, 11 Eastern.

All right.

Here comes the next front call of the night, everybody.

Hang on.

Now, this is Jack.

I wanted to come down to the casino and bingo place.

Sorry, I can barely hear you.

I wanted to come down there.

Okay.

Now, do you have any lodging? Do you have any lodging there?

No, no, uh-uh. It's just a bingo hall.

Oh, because, you know, what I was interested in, sometimes you can get these casino deals where, you know, the room is comped, your food is comped.

Oh, no, it's just a bingo hall, a bowling alley, there's a bar, and a snack bar.

And they start you off with about $100 of chips, everything included, packaged.

No, there's no gambling in Alaska.

Well, what do you think bingo is?

Well, bingo is Class 2 gaming, yes.

Class 2?

Class 2 gaming is what it's called.

Okay, then what is...

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Yeah, I mean, I want to gamble, and I live in Alaska, so...

Okay.

Well, can I put you on hold, because I'm a little bit busy right now, or either you can...

Yeah, could I talk to...

Tomorrow...

No, could I talk to somebody who's not busy?

Okay.

Because I have some concerns.

Yes?

Hello?

Hi.

Hi, I'm interested in gambling, and she told me that I had to have Class 2 clearance.

Who is it?

This is Jack. I'm interested in coming down and doing some gambling,

but she told me that I had to have a Class 2 clearance in order to be able to gamble.

You had to have a Class 2 clearance to come down here?

She said something about Class 2 gaming, and I've never had any sorts of clearance with the government.

Yeah, you just come down, man.

Do you do a background check?

For you to come down here and play bingo?

Yeah.

No.

Because she told me she was going to hook me up to a lie detector in order for me to get Class 2 clearance.

What?

Who is this?

No, because, all right, the way it works is I get hooked up to a machine,

and then they ask me a bunch of questions, and then they say,

okay, you're clean, you've got, you know, Class 2 clearance, and then I can play.

Bingo.

Who is this, Melinda?

Bingo.

I shouldn't have said that because I don't have clearance.

Oh my God, there's guys coming out of a truck and they've got riot gear on.

I knew the FBI would find me.

I knew they would find me if I said bingo.

Get down on the ground!

No!

Get down on the ground!

No!

I'm blaming you for this when I get out of the jail.

Did you get down yet?

Yeah, I'm on the floor.

Get down!

I'm down.

Get up!

Alright, I'm up.

Get up now.

I am backed up.

Get up now.

Wait, this is exercise.

Put your hands up.

All right, they're up.

Hands down.

Two live crew there.

Clear the line.

Hang on, man.

Like James Brown to two live crew.

That was weird.

Up now.

Sorry.

And I was inspired.

Well, thanks for the FBI assist there.

Yeah.

I tried to make it as realistic as possible, man.

I think she enjoyed that, too, which is a good thing.

It's a beautiful thing when they enjoy the prank call in the process.

Right, it's all about authenticity.

Exactly.

Something like that.

All right.

All right, man.

Thanks for calling in, Teddy.

All right.

Take care.

You remember that old song, Brown, the Brand New Brother in Town?

Doo-doo, Brown.

Doo-doo, Brown, man.

I play a two-life crew here too much, so I'm not about to play a two-life crew song.

But that was Ted.

That was fun.

All right.

What do you guys think about that?

Yeah, that was great.

Jin, Will, Ted, Milkman, I mean.

Yeah, I love that, man.

Ted is always funny.

When he comes into my show, when he does his own show, he's great.

Yeah, you two get along great, man.

You two did a good job together doing your prank calls.

Yeah, we met at the Jack and Gin store, didn't we?

Yeah, the Jack and Gin, yeah.

Where you call in AOL all the time, right?

With your weird stories.

That's right, yeah.

You guys just go off on all these weird tangents about the monitors and the computers.

Yeah, we just talk random shit.

And the problem is that AOL, they never hang up.

They can't hang up.

I don't think they can.

They're bound to some kind of terms.

Yeah, they're not allowed to hang up, I think.

Or it's really bad on them if they hang up, I suppose.

I don't know what it is exactly, but yeah.

Well, I think they can hang up, but only if you seriously cuss them out.

Because I think they're there to help

And they're going to look really bad

If they just hang out all the time

Yeah, I guess so

That's good though

You know, you get your money's worth

Oh, yeah

Nothing wrong with that

It's great to fuck with them too

It's all

Okay

Alright, you're still

You got Anchorage Animal Control

Animal Control

Oh, man

Did you ever get that prank call yet, man?

The one from the

That I had you do

Two weeks ago

You know the one I'm talking about, Jin?

The

Oh, God, the Lost and Found

Yeah, the Animal Lost and Found

From two Sundays ago

Oh, that one

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, I did that prank.

Yeah, what about it?

Well, did you isolate that from the file yet?

Because I really wanted to get that, man.

That's awesome.

Shit.

All right, let me write this down because I'll do it today.

I'll do it tonight.

I think that was either two weeks ago.

Yeah, that was two weekends ago, I think.

Maybe three.

I don't know.

Two or three weekends ago.

That was hilarious.

It was a Sunday lunch show.

Of course it was a Sunday lunch.

Yeah, it was a Sunday lunch.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't remember what episode, what date.

I can look at my archives and find out.

That's all right.

No, no, no.

I'll get it.

Don't worry.

All right.

Good deal, man.

Good deal, good deal.

So, yeah, we have officially right now 69 listeners via Shoutcast and 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 other listeners on TalkShoe.

So that makes a grand total of 75 listeners right now.

So how do you like them apples, baby?

All right, man.

Doing good, doing good.

Okay, bye-bye.

Thank you, everybody.

Make sure you check out MadHouseLive.com, MadHouseLive.com.

Anchorage Animal Control.

That's good.

I got a polar bear.

A polar bear.

I got a polar bear.

A polar bear is on top of my house.

A polar bear is raping my car.

Hang on, I don't want to do that.

We'll try that next, everybody.

It's a white D5.

It's in love with my white D5.

My peanut butter.

Look out.

Hang on, we're coming back with that in a second.

Awesome.

Calling Pacific Animal.

They call Southern Realty.

Okay, okay.

Please stay on the line.

I will.

Everybody wants me to...

Good evening, Anchorage Animal Control.

Hey, how you doing there, buddy?

Hello.

Not bad.

I got a polar bear here in the backyard.

It's on top of my car.

You got a polar bear in your backyard.

You can call State Trooper.

You have that number?

No, no, no.

It's Animal Control.

They said to call.

I got a State Trooper here now.

I said to give you guys a call.

State Trooper.

Let me talk to the Trooper.

All right, hang on.

Hi, this is Billy Bob.

Good night, sir.

Gee, thanks, Will.

That was great.

Well, we got to do something with you, man.

Oh, shucks, Will.

Note to self.

Never put Will on the phone again.

I'm sorry.

Well, I wasn't trying to make fun of you.

That was funny.

I handled that wrong.

He put it right in front of me.

I was like, ah.

You should have been like, yeah, this is the state trooper.

You guys got to come down here.

I could have done a state trooper.

I should have done, you know, Jack Masterson to state trooper.

Next time I'll do that.

That's our fault.

That's my fault.

I take all responsibility for that.

My bad.

No, I'll take it.

Can you do that?

I wasn't even ready.

I didn't even know.

It's okay, Will.

Don't feel bad.

Don't beat yourself up over it.

It is not a big deal.

You want to do a Fat Albert call, guys?

call he could do a 24-hour car rental or we have a 24-hour towing company we got who a 24-hour 24

hour rental and see if they've got a 10 seat passenger van i don't know what to do

all right you guys are talking all over each other will what's going on here all right that's

okay all right enough enough and you gotta put your mic down if you're gonna talk okay

Okay, all right, no problem.

No problem.

Okay, who was I going to call?

That's fine.

It's okay.

24-hour car rental, everybody, as Fat Albert, who's going to be calling in.

Give me a second here real quick.

Milkman, tell everybody how they can call in the line real quick here.

They got one last stop.

I want to tell you, everybody.

I could tell them I rented a car and there's a polar bear inside of it, too.

I think I'll do that.

Yeah, right.

I like the polar bear idea.

So I think we're going to continue with that.

That's Fat Albert, though.

That's Fat Albert, okay.

Okay, she got it.

Milkman, tell everybody how to call in.

If you'd like to call in, we have a toll-free number.

That's right.

We will pay the dime.

You give us our time.

The number is 888-278-8509.

888-278-8509.

Very good.

Just like that.

Give us a call.

Very well done, man.

Very well done.

And not many people taking advantage of that.

That's good for me because it's less money out of my pocket.

I don't care.

No problems there.

You can definitely pay the dime.

Yeah, we'll pay it if we have to.

All right, so here comes Fat Albert real quick.

Just a moment, folks.

It's all for you, our listeners.

We love you.

I love his face.

Hey, hey, hey.

It's fine out.

And I'm going to sing a song for you too.

This is Bill Cosby coming at you with music and fun.

And if you're not careful, you may learn something before it's done.

Hey, hey, hey.

That's a

good impression though i say close call it's weird close call

oh i guess it's that close and then call is your clothes next to it maybe it's trippy man

okay stupid phone i'm gonna try to call it again hang on folks

Hey, are we approaching the record on the Madhouse on some of our listeners here?

I think so. We're 67 plus 8, 75. We're still at 75. We're getting up. I think that's a record, actually. I think that is a record.

I think so, too.

Yeah.

That's good. The value's going to have to go up.

For our car rental.

How you doing? Hey, this is Albert, and I rented a car from you, and there's a polar bear inside the car.

There's a polar bear inside the car right now.

Now, what do you recommend I do?

Um, I don't know.

I mean, I left the windows open and I guess the polar bear got behind the wheel.

Don't crash the car.

The polar bear crashed the car.

I'm being serious, sir.

The polar bear crashed the car, baby.

And you're going to say what I mean?

I'm not paying for this polar bear.

I pay for it.

Yeah.

How believable is this?

Sure.

Yeah.

You want to get up?

Get down?

So, sir?

Yeah.

Have you tried a fat Albert salad yet?

Wow, that's hot.

Do you want to try a Fat Apple Salad?

No, I don't.

Can I give you the recipe?

Yeah.

You take a red onion, you put some adobo on it, you put some ranch dressing,

or you put some cheddar cheese on it, you put some red wine vinegar,

and then you shred up a $50 bill and you put it on top.

All right.

And there ain't no lettuce on the Fat Apple Salad, baby.

Hey, hey, hey.

Fat Apple, baby.

I'm trying to send in my claim on the Polar Bear, baby.

Polar Bear done stole my car and crashed it into a tree.

And the polar bear climbed up the tree.

Now the tree's on fire, polar bear's gonna burn.

You ever had any ro-

You ever had any roasted polar bear?

Would you like some polar bear?

I got nice long black tongue.

Sickest tongue in your asshole, you know how that feels?

You know how big a polar bear's tongue is?

You know how long it took me to train this polar bear not to bite my dick off?

Come on down here, I'll show you my polar-

I got a black polar bear.

It's from up North Alaska in the oil field.

He's black. He ain't white, baby. He's black, black snow.

You ever see that black snow, baby?

I bet no one will make some black snow for you. Watch this.

Here I go.

I'll be calling back, though, because this polar bear is going to be done in about ten minutes.

You know what I mean?

Think it'd be all right if I take a tire off this car and just throw it on the tree to help it burn.

I had a dream once that I had a polar bear, and I put four tires around him, and I lit the tires on fire.

And the whole time I was from behind, I was like, oh, put a downstroke, and then an outstroke.

Don't let you go.

Take care of yourself.

You tell the boss you did a great job, all right?

Okay.

Make sure he take you out to Red Lobster for a five-hour salad.

All right.

Can you give me a hey, hey, hey?

Hey, hey, hey.

All right, baby.

Take care.

Bitch.

Hey, that five-hour salad ain't got no lettuce.

No lettuce on the fat ass.

Spend it up.

Pimp it out a bit.

Pimp it out.

Yeah, but that's expensive taste right there, man.

God damn it.

No lettuce.

That was awesome, man.

Yeah, it was good.

That's like 10 stars right there.

Yeah, 10.

Ten. Nine stars. Ten stars.

I'll take the ten. Thanks, man.

That hurts my throat when I do that.

Oh, yeah. You tell me about it.

You know the Marvin voice I do? That kills me.

The Marvin voice? That one?

That's a good voice.

You know when they talk like this, you know?

I had a computer science teacher in high school that talked just like that.

Hello, I'm Mr. Manning.

But you know, you talk like that for too long and it'll kill you.

Oh, your voice will stay that way.

That's what my mom used to tell me.

You gotta watch out for that.

You don't want that.

We're going to call.

Will, don't confirm anymore because I'm going to wrap it up pretty soon.

You did a good job, Will.

Thank you.

And Lonesome Loser, of course, did a good job, too.

He's probably sleeping by now.

That was good.

That was good, man.

That was good.

We called the Anchorage Animal Control.

We called the 24-Hour Car Rental.

We called the Bingo Casino, so we got the 24-Hour Towing and the Top of the World Hotel.

That's the one I'm going to call next.

Top of the World Hotel.

So hang on for that, everybody.

Top of the World!

Like, can I get to my high club?

She said that?

What, she answers the top?

What, she answers.

Top of the world.

What, is that a bar?

Does it say?

No, it's a hotel.

It's a hotel?

Yeah.

I'm like, top of the world.

Word.

Wow.

You're already there for me, huh?

That's some good pussy.

All right, hang on.

Hang on for a second.

But don't do that.

She'll just drop the line.

Yeah, I'm not going to be.

I won't be crass.

I got to go.

Hey, can you speak up there, darling baby?

Hello?

What?

Fix the phone.

Isn't that great?

Top of the world.

Ma'am.

Yes, this is the top of the world.

Yes.

Is this the top of the world?

Yes, it is.

Do you know who I am?

No, I don't.

I'm Jack Valente.

Have you ever heard of me?

Okay.

Well, I own Top of the World Hotel in the Himalayas.

And we are actually at the top of the world at the highest point of the world.

And I would just like to accuse you of false advertising.

Because you're not at the top of the world, you know?

We are the top of the world.

We are the true top of the world.

See, that was stupid.

Stupid prank call.

Good work.

Good work, Will.

Will?

I had to pull something out of my mouth.

I know.

I did bad.

I'm sorry.

That's embarrassing to do that in front of people like Jen and Milkman,

who are consummate professionals when it comes to prank calls.

The last one is going to be...

That was great.

Yeah, no, it wasn't.

That was too funny.

No, it wasn't.

See, you guys, don't give me any mercy claps here, okay?

It's okay.

I suck.

Yeah, all right.

All right?

Yeah, it sucks.

All right.

Here's a mercy clap.

You hear it?

Yeah, good prank call.

All right.

Gabe's 24-hour towing will be the last call of the night, everybody.

Who?

Babe?

Babe, the old game?

Babe was the talking pig.

You remember Babe, the talking pig.

I fucked up the phone.

Hang on, folks.

See if you need some pig squealing, man.

Of course, now.

Let it play.

It's towing.

Yeah, hey.

How much is your hourly rate for this late of the night?

Hello?

What's your rate at this time of night?

Depends on what I'm towing.

Well, you're...

What are we towing?

You're towing a semi-truck.

I got a big semi-truck and it's caught in some black snow.

And it's what?

It's caught in some black snow.

Well, our semi-rate is $150 an hour.

$150? How long is it going to take?

The time I get back.

I'm talking. How long is it going to take for you to do it?

To do what?

Well, you're not going to come out here and take your sweet time like a union worker, are you?

We never do, sir.

Are you in a union?

Never have been.

Okay, so you're not union, right? That's good.

I don't deal with that union shit. I don't like Italians. Are you Italian?

I guess he's Italian.

Mr. Italian?

Yeah, hey, you know, I really like screwing up calls the second half of the show.

Good work, Carlos, huh?

All right.

Yeah.

You do an Eddie call.

We haven't had an Eddie call for a while.

I do an Eddie call.

Okay, you know what?

I got one last number, the one that Little Evil Neo sent in.

Or a Rotisserie Williams call.

Hang on.

A Rotisserie Williams.

All right, Little Evil Neo says,

I almost gutted this bitch today at work.

Holy shit, hang on.

This is spicy.

spicy uh she got knocked up by one of the cooks she got knocked up by one of the cooks and all

she talks about is her fucking fetus she's okay she's seven and a half or eight months pregnant

and talks about how she's gonna get on welfare and how her aunt bought her a car and how she's

now gonna decorate the baby's room she's an ignorant pentecostal bitch she said that i was

evil and that i will never be saved by her god because i believe in witchcraft also she treats

everyone there

like retarded

especially me

did I mention

she's a bitch

she thinks she knows

it all

considers herself

as the assistant manager

and the person

the manager

owner trusts the most

she's 19

and she will still

in high school

when she got knocked up

dude that's fucked up

and she's 19

getting her GED

in December

she doesn't even have

her GED yet

man

and she's going

on welfare man

she wouldn't

so

because she didn't

want to finish

her senior year

a kid with a kid

personally Neo thinks that the cunt

her words not mine needs a reality check

because she thinks she's God's almighty

gift

living in an apartment with her boyfriend the cook

who's Tano what kind of name is Tano

he's Mexican one more piece of info

the bitch didn't know when what

Cinco de Mayo was stupid

she left she thought it was a day of the dead

when the manager asked her what her

and that's where she cuts off

and then he figured out

blah blah okay she also thinks she knows

knows good Spanish

because she's fucking

a Mexican.

Well, she's got that

going for her.

Whatever that means.

Nice food?

I guess so.

I wonder if she cooks.

That's what we're

going to ask her.

Do you cook Spanish food?

No, that's a stupid idea

but I got an idea for her

so everybody hang on

and I will do that next.

The next,

the last prank call

of the night

as it were

is coming up right now.

Right now.

Right now, right now,

right now.

Yeah, it is Eddie Garcia.

Good call.

Hey, this is Jackie.

I'm busy.

Oh, man.

I'll leave her a message.

An inappropriate message

Yo Jackie what's up

Yo it's Thanos cousin Eddie Garcia

You know

So he said that you're going to give birth in like one or two months

And I wanted to know if I could eat the placenta

When you're done

Because it's got a lot of vitamins and nutrients in it

You know

So yeah I'm going to be calling back

But I really am interested in buying that placenta

After you have your baby

And I will give you some money for it you know

And placenta's good

You know, you take placenta

And you make a Fat Albert salad

And it's very good, man

So give me a call back

Tell Tano

Give me a call back

At the number

And he say that

His T.T. says

Bendicion, alright?

I love you, bye-bye

And whatever

Okay, that's the show, everybody

Milkman, take us out of here

You son of a gun

Yeah, give me what's the thought

Fat Albert salad

The Fat Albert salad, indeed

Milkman

Waterfall salad

Milkman, take us

All over

I had a good time with the Fat Albert today

I haven't done the Fat Albert song

The Fat Albert calls in a while

You know what I mean

He's a big favorite right here in the madhouse

Heck yeah man

I'd like everybody to join us tonight

Big Jen Stewart

Jen Stewart dot com

That's right Jen Stewart dot com

That's the place to be

Jen Stewart

Check him out at Jen Stewart dot com

I need a laugh

Thanks a lot

Yeah, I'm taking a break right now.

I was not going to be back for a while?

Nah, nah, nah.

Two months.

Two months?

Oh, shit, dude.

For all of you fans out there at MiracleInster.com, look for the new podcast.

It is so good.

Yeah.

Thanks a lot.

We love you all.

Tune in.

Everybody that called in, thanks a lot.

Dad, we love you all.

Look, man, what is wrong with you?

All of our friends at MSP3 Clay, Micro, all of you out there in the chat, all you people

out there, y'all.

Yeah.

Because you know what?

It's all about you.

We do this every week just for you.

You all can.

Milkman, try to speak up a little bit.

You're breaking up a lot.

All right.

It's all about the investors.

We love you because we pay every week so you can share a smile.

The Most Interactive Show right here on TV.

Thanks for tuning in.

Yeah, thanks, everybody.

And Carlito, without you, there'd be many less smiling faces in the building.

Yeah.

Oh, do you, big guy.

That's me, everybody.

Hey, I'm special.

All right.

It's special.

Thanks, Milkman.

Thanks.

Thank you, Jen.

Thank you, Milkman.

Thank you, Will.

You're very welcome.

Will Davis, thank you.

Man, so, Jen, man, two months.

You better come back, Jen, man.

I really am going to miss you on Sunday.

Well, yeah, because I will do a show, but, you know, in a personal life, it's a bit rusty at the moment,

so I've got to sort things out, and then I'm going to come back and do a show.

I'll do a show every now and then, but I'm not going to do a Sunday lunch.

All right.

But you'll make it for Madhouse at least, at the least least?

Oh, yeah, I'll try and be on for Madhouse.

Oh, yeah, there we go.

Good deal, good deal.

Hope everything works out.

Do what you got to do and do it.

Thank you.

Good luck, man.

And look out for that podcast.

Thank you.

It will bust your gut.

All right.

Yeah, definitely.

Check out the podcast, jenstuart.com.

You have a good podcast.

Get out there at jenstuart.com and spread the word.

Thank you to PCR and everybody at PCR.

You guys rock.

Everybody on PCU, you guys rock.

Everybody on talkshow.com, you guys rock.

We love PCU.

We love you all.

Check us out at madhouselive.com

Again

And keep us in touch

Keep in touch with us rather

And I don't know what else we can talk about

We're done here everybody

We'll catch you all

We hit 75 was our peak

So that's good

75 listeners

Yes

And check out the podcast

We'll be hitting that up too with this episode eventually

Trying to break out those whips there

And get the officer on the phone

Alright guys

guys we'll catch you

next week everybody

take care have a good

weekend

Calls (18, 45 min of 1 h 47 min)

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