2007-05-17 Show

And who plays?

What happens in America?

Well, we steamed your ass in World War II.

What do you have to do?

We never did.

And who helped you out just now?

You piss off, woman.

Don't talk to me like that.

We don't need you anyway, bitch.

Um, fuck you.

Call me a stinky, stinky fucker.

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

Everybody, good evening.

Here we are.

Hi, we are.

Here we are.

And there we are.

Thank you for joining us tonight, everybody.

Madhouse Radio, starting late as usual.

11.25 Eastern Standard Time.

Thursday, May the 17th of the year

2007. We are still alive.

The world has not ended yet, contrary

to popular belief. I am here myself,

Carlito, checking in with you.

Thank you for having me on your airwaves.

Yeah, good timing, I bet.

Of course, we also have checking in Milkman

from the Virgin Islands. What's up, Milkman?

Hey, Carlito!

Glad to meet you, man.

Great to meet you, man.

Take some names and come home with me.

You sound very effeminate tonight, Milkman.

Congratulations. Thank you.

And of course none other than

Jen Stewart

JenStewart.com

Yes of course

I'm here with Marvin

Marvin's there too

Alright

Yeah it's just me you know

I'm excited we're all excited

Yeah so am I

Everybody's excited in different ways

It looks like a very promising show

Yeah hey and it should be

We always have promising shows they start off promising at least

And then they end up, you know, right about here.

You know, the first half of the show is always good at least.

We are on the Madhouse Radio Network tonight, as always.

PCU, Prank Call Underground Radio, PCURadio.com.

What up? What up to my homies at PCU?

That's right!

Yeah, man.

I can't be hot.

At the last minute, we also, at the last minute, rather, we got on the Prank Call Radio shit.

PCRprankcallradio.com, checking in as well.

Well, that last-minute drama with that because the password was updated last night,

and I didn't have it, but Lego called in and straightened it out.

Thank you, Lego.

He's away.

He's not at home, but he was kind enough to take time out to give that to me,

so thank you, Lego.

All right, Lego.

How about that crazy damn Lego?

Oh, shit, that last night.

Oh, man.

That show last night, man.

Oh, man.

Jim, what about that?

Yeah, Jim, you're...

Yeah, well, I think it's not really my style,

but the orgasm thing

that was just

that was awesome

my god

we have her number

do we have that number

yes we do

I sure have it now

matter of fact

oh yeah

wait wait wait

I want to call her with you

absolutely

Jen you can take that one

you're more than welcome to

what I do

or whatido

whatever his name is

he just sent that in here

so thank you bro

thank you for that

for sending that in

also

whatido

we're also being listened to

on talk shoe

talk shoe dot com

broadcast live

The future

The future of internet radio and podcasting

Is TalkShoe.com

And what's up to all of you out there

And other than that of course you're on 98.6

Always a part of the future of the madhouse

98.6

That's right

MadhouseLive.com

Home of the mouth and the arm and the leg

All there at MadhouseLive.com

What about the foot?

Not the foot that's nasty

I don't like foot stuff man

Jin's like, ew.

Ew, not the foot, eh?

Ew.

Okay.

Big Will is not here yet, Will.

I'm sorry, but, you know, I got to draw the line somewhere.

We get down to the leg bone and that's it, you know?

I don't like the foot bone.

Ah, well.

You know, foot, that's not kosher.

But Will's on his way here, I'm assuming.

He's probably in his car right now, speeding.

Probably got a helicopter chasing after him on the way here.

A few squad cars, you know?

He'll make it here soon enough.

And other than that, we're going to do a show.

We're going to have fun.

We're going to talk about stuff.

We're going to prank stuff.

We're going to do stuff.

I got a ton of numbers here from Lonesome Loser, B.A. Baracus, Hannibal.

He's in a whole A-team kick lately.

Thank you, man.

Thank you for that awesomeness.

As usual, if you want to get a hold of me here real quick, we'll give out these messengers.

The messengers are on AOL Instant Messenger, AOL Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio,

Yahoo Messenger, Madhouse Radio Online.

line. Let me turn that music down a little bit here.

I feel like I'm yelling too much. There we go. Let's

smooth it out. MSN Messenger

is madhouselive

at hotmail.com. And of

course, you can reach us here toll-free

in the United States and Canada.

1-888-278-8509.

Again, the toll-free

line here tonight will be open momentarily.

And that line is

888-278-8509.

Toll-free call anywhere from the

United States and the Republic of

of Canada. The People's Republic of

Canada. And email is always

madhouseradio at gmail.com

Will is here. Will has arrived.

Will's on his way. He's just entered the

fucking compound. He'll be

here momentarily. I have messed up my

speaker. Hang on. There we go. Now I can actually hear

what's going on. Alright, so

we got that to look forward to. So what else?

Anything we can talk about, gentlemen? I've got

some articles. I don't know if you read up on them. We're gonna

knock some stuff right here real quick. Knock some stuff

out of the water. Why don't you want me to tell you the news

over here on my end?

Gordon Brown

the new Prime Minister

that's not really big news

but

on the 27th of June

he takes over the 27th of June or when is it exactly

well yeah I think so but

the news was that he'd taken over already

but he's going to take this time

to listen to the people

wow you know I heard that

Tony Blair is going to be converting to Catholicism

here probably pretty soon as soon as he resides

I have no idea what he's going to do

Yeah, apparently his wife and kids are politics of this country, you know, family or anything.

They're a failure.

Yeah, they're a failure just about everywhere in the free world, unfortunately.

Milkman had a point.

Milkman made a point.

But I can't vote, so hey.

I know, because you're an immigrant.

Go ahead, Milkman.

I think he's going to give up his damn eunuchhood.

I don't know.

Maybe he will.

What is that?

Eunuchhood?

I don't know what he's going at.

He's making a dirty joke over there.

Dirty, filthy Milkman.

They should call him the Dirtman sometimes.

It's dirty.

Intellectually dirty.

Yeah.

Murder on the brain.

Anything else, Jim?

What else is going on over there in Europe?

Yeah, yeah.

In other news, well, it's not really over here,

but the Norwegians just celebrated the 17th of May,

the Constitution of Norway,

which was adopted on the 16th of May in 1814.

But it was signed as the 17th of May,

so they celebrate the 17th of May every year.

So what do the Norwegians do?

Do they get drunk and party and stuff,

or do they light off fireworks every year?

No, they do, like, big marches, big celebrations.

It's fun.

I think even the Norwegians in America are celebrating it.

Hang on, I've got to call Will real quick because he's knocking on the door

and I'm not about to get up.

We're in the middle of a show.

That's all right.

Let's give him a call here real quick.

So no fireworks in Norway then?

Oh, I think they do have fireworks, but, you know, it's the next day over there now,

so that was yesterday.

They don't care right now.

Well, I guess Will will eventually try to open the door on his own,

but I can't stand up now.

Will should be listening on his phone.

Will, just walk in if you're listening.

He should be listening on talk show.

Will, walk in!

Will, put down the beer and the ball and open the damn door.

Just come in!

And break the case in, too, Biatch.

Here he comes.

Will, lock the door, though, because Athena gets all paranoid.

You hear me?

Re-will.

You locked the door?

Athena is scared of the boogeyman.

Will's here, everybody.

Will is just arriving.

I'm so sorry for being late, everybody.

Yes, welcome, Will.

William.

Where was I?

Here, William.

William Wales is here.

All right, man.

How was work?

Good?

Yeah.

Good.

Your laptop's there.

Join the chat room.

You're good to go.

That's right.

Don't forget you've got the extra desktop here.

Just join PCU, actually.

We're not in PCR tonight.

Join.

All right.

Anyway, it's the 4th of July in Norway.

Do you know that?

No.

It is.

And I don't know.

What else can we talk about then?

I had some news articles here to knock out of the park real quick before we move on.

4th of July on June 17th.

I know.

Look at that.

Those guys are queer.

It's May 17th.

That's what it's based on.

It's pretty much the equivalent.

Just about.

All right.

so uh jerry fallwell dead imagine that jerry fallwell dead milkman no you know you guys know

who jerry well i guess uh who jen doesn't know jerry fallwell is the leader of the uh no i don't

know who that is he was the leader of the uh oh jesus god what was his name the uh the uh the

religious right just christian upright evangelistic pieces of shit that helped to ruin our country

politically in the last 10 years yeah they they took credit for electing ronald reagan good

All of them.

Very angry, very hateful people.

Jerry Falwell is dead.

He died, was found dead, what, two nights ago, I think?

So, goodbye, Jerry Falwell.

Congratulations.

I hope God has taken you in his arms.

They found him with his male boyfriend.

I guess so.

He does have a boyfriend.

That's not true.

But it's old news that he's dead.

He's been dead.

You hate Tombo so much.

You don't want anybody to know about who he really was.

Probably.

He probably was a closet queer.

but in other news

what's his name

Fred Phelps over at

godhatesamerica.com one of our sister websites

godhatesamerica.com

Fred Phelps rather

the dude he's the guy that leads those

protests against military funerals

of US troops and

he says that the death of our troops

across the

world is

punishment for our tolerance of homosexuality

and what not

big time asshole

asshole he has announced that he's going to be asshole major league asshole he's going to be uh

him and his flock which basically his extended family will be protesting the jerry falwell

funeral very classy of them very very classy very good so that's that that's that news he's

gonna be pretty old now right he's uh says he was born in 1929 yeah he's an old ass dude he's such

a jerk too i've seen him i've known about him since like the 90s i followed him on on tv news

and how much of a jerk he was.

Anyway.

He still does protests?

That's the one who went to jail, too, I think.

Yeah, and the thing is,

Jin over here,

he'll come out and he'll protest,

you know, the soldiers who come back,

you know, from Iraq.

They get killed in the war

and they have their funeral

and then they'll come out and they'll protest

God hates fags and this and that.

And then there were counter-

Oh, you little bastards,

it's all your fault.

Exactly.

Well, then there would be counter-protests

on top of that of the biker.

The biker gang started coming around

and like running around going around them in circles making noise to counter protests and

a bunch of madness very very disgusting wow yeah it's insane america's a great country

speaking of which rush limbaugh rush limbaugh and bill clinton breaking bread earlier this week

together at a kobe steakhouse in midtown manhattan um who would have thought rush limbaugh uh was

there feeding his his face at the uh at the kobe steakhouse and sure enough bill clinton was there

and they met, and they actually talked for several

minutes.

I mean, arch enemies

throughout the 90s, and sure enough,

former President Bill Clinton and Rush Limbaugh

didn't have dinner together, but they

actually conversed and talked and had their pictures

taken together and everything. Amazing how this

world works.

I guess maybe...

I knew that he owed

basically his fame to

Clinton.

What's he going to do? He's got to

kiss the ass, man.

remain, you know, relevant.

Yeah, I know, I know. Well,

we got more news. Speaking of radio here real quick, we're almost

done with the articles here, but real quick, let's play some

audio of Opie and Anthony, the two dumbasses

from New York,

the wannabe Howard Sterns, a bunch of

assholes. Of course,

they were suspended from XM Radio

this week for

interviewing a homeless guy who said he wanted to

rape Condoleezza Rice and

who else now? Laura Bush and

someone else. I forget who exactly, but here,

let's go ahead and play that audio real quick.

quick i'll tell you what okay all right let's see listen i'll tell you what what's that george

bush bitch um rice condoleezza rice i love the fuck that bitch she's a fucking man yeah i'll

fuck that bitch i just imagined the horror in condoleezza rice's face i wouldn't even realize

as you were just like holding her down and and fucking her punch her all in the fucking face

Shut up, bitch.

That's exactly what I meant.

You know, fuck it.

And George Bush's wife?

Oh, fuck that bitch to death.

Yeah.

You know, this is the first time I heard this, but it's actually kind of funny.

The man.

You diggin' that?

Oh, I love it.

Hey, woman.

I love the moment.

I'll show you a real man.

Why don't you come by my box?

I'll show you a real man.

Hey, what about the queen?

Current events.

The queen just finally went back to her dumb castle or whatever.

Fuck that bitch.

Oh, boy.

We lost his mic.

We lost Charlie's mic.

I can paraphrase.

And he was just saying something nice about the royal family.

Fuck the queen.

Oh.

She lost.

You lost, bitch.

Why are you coming over here for?

You horse face looking bitch.

You lost.

Well, that's that.

Well, that's Opie and Anthony.

And apparently they got a 30-day suspension off of XM.

And of course, their asshole, they got probably the most annoying fans in a place on the face

of the country, the Opie and Anthony

Pest, have ended up canceling all

their XM subscriptions and they're

bashing their XM receivers in the streets

and videotaping it. A bunch of dumbasses,

right? Because they're going to be back in 30 days

and how are they going to hear their boyfriends?

You just wasted like a hundred bucks.

Yeah, they're going to end up having to buy

their new receivers and pretty much just helping

the whole XM thing in the long run.

So whatever, that's that.

Was that really that big of a deal? I don't think so.

I mean, they weren't

saying it. There was some homeless guy that was in the studio

saying that they got suspended. Whatever.

But still, they suck, and that's

what they get. So, Opie and Anthony are a bunch of

dumbasses, and anybody who listens to them,

am I right? I'm sure Republicans or

Bush had nothing to do with that.

I guess. You never know.

No, I don't know. I think it's

because XM and Sirius are trying to

raise the price.

Well, no. They're trying to merge together.

Sirius and XM, and they're trying to stay away

from controversy, so they went ahead and

took the initiative.

politicians who had their hands in it.

They got them even our phone calls, our

mail, our internet. What do you

think? Of course they had something to say.

Perhaps. Perhaps.

Only time will

tell. Now I wanted to play this here. This is

not really a prank call, but this is probably

the dumbest police officer ever. This was

sent to me originally after the

show on

last week on Thursday, and it came in

literally like an hour after. But here

we have a police officer, a narcotics

officer who admitted that he

took marijuana from criminal suspects

and baked it into brownies and ate it with his wife

and then he ended up calling 911

when he was high off of it. Go ahead and listen to this

and tell me if you don't think

this is the dumbest police officer in the

history of police officers.

Here we go. Revealing results

of a joint Detroit Free Press

Rescue 4 investigation. A police

officer involved in drug investigations

may have taken his work home with him.

Here's Rescue 4's ML Elric with

With some 911 calls, you've got to hear to believe.

I'm M.L. Elric with Channel 4.

I know, I already know. I already told you, Bruce, I don't really want to talk.

As a Dearborn canine cop, Corporal Edward Sanchez trained his dog to find weed

and bust those who smoke and sell it.

But in an unbelievable lapse of judgment, Sanchez and his wife made some hash brownies last year.

By the time he calls 911, it's clear dessert isn't the only thing that got baked in his Dearborn Heights home.

Emergency.

Yeah, can you please send rescue? I think I'm having an overdose that has killed my wife.

Overdose of what?

Marijuana.

We made brownies, and I think we're dead.

I really do.

Listen closely.

You're about to find out why they call it the wacky tabacky.

What's the score in the Red Wings game?

I haven't gotten no clue.

I don't watch the Red Wings.

Okay, I just want to make sure this isn't some type of, like, hallucination that I'm having.

EMS takes Sanchez and his wife to the hospital, but they're released the next morning.

Sanchez is never arrested or prosecuted.

Our case is that we respond to overdoses.

We don't prosecute.

And did the fact that he was a police officer have anything to do with your decision?

No, sir.

Sanchez's bosses in Dearborn conduct an investigation.

They declined to discuss it, saying only that he resigns before the investigation is over.

Please come.

Okay, well, do you guys have fever or anything?

No, I'm just, I think we're dying.

Dearborn police never reported Sanchez's transgressions to the state agency that certified police.

And that means he could get another job at a department that knows nothing about his history with him.

M.L. Elric, Rescue 4.

You're the dumbass.

Holy wow.

Now, first of all, how do you overdose on weed?

I mean, I don't know.

You gotta have some of the good stuff on.

I mean, shit.

What a dumbass.

He's a cop.

That's more than like two whole ounces of like the hydroponics of hydroponics weed.

Yeah.

And then he makes them into brownies.

See, they probably ate like a whole batch of brownies.

You don't eat.

When you're eating weed, you have to take it like a lot slower.

Yeah.

Because they probably were toasted.

And it's probably the first time he ever got high.

So he's like, I'm having, we're dying.

It's an overdose.

His dog sniffs out weed.

What do you mean this is his first time?

Yeah, you got a point.

You got a point.

But still, insane, dumb guy, stupid guy.

Insane in the mud.

Exactly.

Very good point, Milt.

What's your name?

Will.

All right, so.

Somebody has been smoking with that.

No, I haven't.

I've been drinking gin and tonic.

Oh, you've been drinking.

Dude, he must have been on a lot more than damn weed if he was on with the call like that.

I think he was touched by a spirit there or something, man.

Something's going on.

Hell, he's probably all cracked up or something.

He's asking, what's the score of the Red Wings game?

Like, yeah, dumbass.

Yeah, you're going to ask, what's the score of the Red Wings game?

It's an emergency.

Yeah, okay.

I need to know or my kneecaps are going to be broken.

All right, and then the first call of the night will come here real quick as I talk about this next news item.

SaveNetRadio.org and the Internet Radio debacle continues here.

We're following day 58.

Day 58 of the Internet Radio debacle.

book. Oh, that looks nice. All right, man.

Healthy books. We can put it in one

of these things right here.

All right. Go ahead. There we go.

All right. So,

anyway, the bill,

the Internet Radio Equality Act got

60 sponsors, apparently, and it's

on its track to becoming passed.

So, congratulations to us.

We're going to be working strong here now.

That means we can take, like, a break now, right?

Well, no. The job's not done.

Job's not done. Now, there's a separate

bill in the Senate, not in the House

of Representatives, is basically the

Internet Radio Equality Act. It's the Senate

version of it. And again, we're being

implored to do our part

to convince our senators

now to do what

they can, do what they must, and

support the Internet Radio Equality Act.

So I will be calling here next

none other than Senator Mel

Martinez, Republican from Florida,

my local senator. You ever meet Mel

Martinez? No, I think I voted

for him, though. On the freaking geek show

show, I got the host

pissed off, you know, Melinda, because

I kept imitating him. I was like,

this is Mel Martinez, I'm

the senator, you know, shit like that. So we're

going to call Senator Mel Martinez here and ask

for his support.

That was his song playing in the show.

And by the way, that was a cool song.

Which one? At the beginning of the show?

That's an African son.

That's the guy from South

America. His name is...

Salida.

That's off of... Oh, geez. That's off the

The Ali soundtrack, the Muhammad Ali movie.

I wish I could put you on my bucket.

Cool, sounded good, man.

All right.

Hang on, folks.

We're going to call Senator Mel Martinez's office, leave a message.

This is what you should do.

Go to savenetradio.org, all you Americans.

Do this and be an American.

We'll be right back with the first call of the night.

Mel Martinez has disrespected me for the last time.

No, I think it'd be funny.

Mel Martinez.

Well, then, we try to call Mel Martinez.

So, anyway, I should call Bill Nelson.

I was at his election party.

Oh, man, this is Eddie.

Bill Nelson is a cool guy.

I was at his election party in November with Athena.

I was in the Gulf War, man.

I was Eddie Garcia, a veteran of the Gulf War.

I was a radio man.

I used to smoke a lot of hash.

That's right.

Milkman, tell the people how to call in tonight.

We're going to open the phone lines here in a second.

Hey, all you got to do is pick up the phone bone anywhere in the United States.

Dial the number 1-888-278-8509.

that's right

8, 8, 8

7, 8, 8, 5

0, minor

I'm telling Will, don't forget to get on Gtalk

so we can communicate here

that's right

yeah, we're on talk

we give the time

so call me and give your comments

good work, Milfan

alright, Milfan

alright, man

so, Jen, do you want to go ahead and do that call now

now? Yes. You want to do that call now

to the, uh... You want me to call in?

We can call the sex girl, yeah.

Yes, sir. Alright, alright. Give me a second.

I'll call in right now. Alright, he's going to call in.

We're keeping the toll-free line off until Jen's call

is complete, but at that time, he can call in.

Be sure to visit madhouselive.com.

In a moment, we'll be doing the first prank call here

with Jen Stewart.

Jen Stewart will call in.

We got tons of other prank calls

here, uh, calls to do. We've got a few

Dunkin' Donuts. We got Walmart, man. We haven't called Walmart

Martin so long. That can be fun sometimes.

Ooh, Maurice Holmes.

Betty Holmes. I don't know if there were people with the

last name Holmes in Scotland. I thought that was like an

African-American last name. Well, you're an

African-American, so I'm kind of... Half.

Half? Well, still. Isn't that

a black last name? Holmes? H-O-L-M-E-S?

That's like Sherlock Holmes.

You got a point, yeah.

I didn't think about that guy.

What's up, Holmes?

Alright. So any

second now, Jen will call in.

Well, since I'm not as busy, I can't call in.

and I'm just busy.

Are you calling the toll-free

or the 407?

I have the 407.

I can call that one.

I hear a model airplane.

I know.

Get that vibrator turned off.

Turn that vibrator off, Mr. Gin,

and call in the 407 line.

Send that to you in a second.

All right, it's starting.

That's funny.

Whenever Gin talks,

it sounds like it's morning.

I think it's that Melissa

from last night.

I think so.

No, it wasn't even last night.

That's her calling in the background

with the vibrator buzzing.

For all those that missed

that wonderful call,

this crazy girl was...

There we go.

No, I got the phone.

Poor guy.

That means live on air.

All right, Milkman's just talking to my crazy gin.

We're going to call that bitch back.

All right, you ready to call her?

I'm ready to call her.

This is Melissa from last night.

We don't have...

Oh, we see Milkman.

I don't have audio of it, of course, out of respect to Dr. Black.

Now, you're going to come with me on this one, because this is going to be advice.

All right, what's your plan?

You have a plan yet, or...

Not really.

I just want to make sure...

All right, well, let me make sure I pay attention and not do my ADD thing here, and I will

join in as needed.

All right, so we're going to...

Let me send you her info in case you need it here.

Yeah, true, true.

Okay, Jen, I'm sending you just the info just real quick, her name and her...

I don't think I have her address, but at least you have her phone number here.

All right, there's that.

Okay, and we're going to call that right now.

Folks, stand by.

First prank call of the night technically is on its way right now.

Will she answer the blocked number?

That's a good question.

We should have gotten a spoof tell, Will.

Man, let's see right now.

We could use a spoof tell.

Damn it.

We put Lego's number in because he called her last night.

You didn't hear that at all, did you?

You don't know what happened?

That shit was crazy.

This guy, Dr. Lego, he prank called this girl and pretty much had phone sex with her on the air.

She's like really, you know, crazy girl.

You know the kind of girl, you ever see that movie Swimfan?

You seen Swimfan?

Like that.

I mean, that kind of girl.

All right, Jen, you there?

45-minute call.

Yeah, 45-minute phone sex call.

Jen, I've got a number.

I've got private people here.

I know you like calling them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's different.

Would you like to call Arthur W. Cooch?

Yeah, all right, let's do Cooch.

All right, stand by.

Let me dial that. Folks, hang on. Next call's

coming up. Shut up. Oh, I think she heard

all that. Oh, well. What can you do?

We came like our way.

Okay, all right. We're cool.

All right, hang on. Sorry, I forgot about that.

You know, we gotta get a shared chat room like

we used to have, Milkman. Remember the 420

room? Yeah. Because we could just get Lonesome

Loser to throw the numbers in there, and we could

all see him.

Hello? Good morning.

Lady Cooch, I presume. Hello?

Hello, Lady Cooch.

Yes?

Hello, Dad?

Yes, Lady Cooch.

Good morning, madam.

I'm getting started to disturb you at this hour.

You see, my dear, I'm organizing a party for about three hours time.

All day and all night.

Are you interested in paying them all?

Please enter your destination number.

Okay, we're calling Miss Holmes now.

Miss Holmes.

Relax.

Miss Holmes.

He buys them at a gas station in Virgin Islands.

He's got good rates.

Milkman, what are your rates on the cards?

What countries can I call?

Oh, man, we get, like, about, like, 10 hours for 10 bucks.

What good countries can I call?

Britain, Scotland, Australia, U.S.

Keep the mainstream countries because they're often very expensive.

Yeah, it's running low.

Yeah, Guam is cheap, though, right?

Guam is, like, local, not international, right?

Yeah, right, that's mainstream.

And we can call it Virgin Islands.

We haven't called Virgin Islands in a while.

Guys.

We're kind of late, though. What's up?

Milkman's up.

What's up?

We're kind of late, though. What's up?

Like, the shitty countries in Asia are expensive.

Well, American Samoa. We've never called American Samoa, man.

I don't have a different...

But we haven't done it in a long time.

Hang on, hang on, hang on. Let me clear the line here for Jen.

I

don't think we've ever called America Samoa.

Well, you've never called them with me, but it's that way.

Yeah, we have before.

Milkman says we have.

I don't know.

See, that's the thing.

Jen can't hear when Milkman's talking.

A long time ago, man.

He misses out on the line.

I'm sorry, Jen.

We've got to fix that.

We've got to get more professional here.

My birthday, I'm getting a sound mixer for the show.

It'll be right here.

Jen's level is very low.

I'm going to put it right here.

We can both control it.

And shit, we're going to get that laptop here connected.

And shit, this show on June 20th is going to be a big show.

That's all I've got to say.

We've got to prepare for that.

It's going to be Madhouse 2.0, Jen.

Milkman.

Oh, no.

I don't know. Okay.

Singapore.

Singapore. No, not Singapore.

No, New Zealand, though. New Zealand.

And the Philippines we never, haven't really called either.

Australia.

New Zealand.

Australia.

Australia? Yeah.

We can do an Australia call real quick.

Can you bring that?

Jim's level.

Jim has got to speak up. He's international.

Yes, I said I like the sound of that, mate.

I can't talk too loud. My neighbor's going to call me.

Oh, that's right. It's late.

Yeah, Milkman, just deal with it.

All right. Excuse me.

me. Uh, Jim, we can call Mary Ladylaw. Mary who? Mary Ladylaw, or Ladlaw, I'm sorry. I've

had a, Laidlaw, L-A-I-D-L-A-W is his lady's last name. I just sent it to you. Yeah, Laidlaw.

Law, that sounds sexy. Okay, hang on. Here comes that. Here comes that. Did I play this

already? I did play that already. Man, am I messed up. Hang on, let's play this instead.

Oh, I think so. No. Thank you. Good morning, Mary. Yeah. Mary? Yeah. Ma-a-a-a-a-a-a-a.

She didn't agree with that, I suppose. Let me try to call her back here.

Okay. If we get the phone, lady bitches. Hang on.

Okay, no. Yes. I think they turned the phone off.

My sheep is up. Mary Laidlaw. Mary Laidlaw, I heard you play the pipes.

And the sheep followed the pipes. Please call in.

Then, as soon as you can, goddess Mary laid low, and call in with your pipes, and entice the sheep out of my yard.

They're taking over my house. Listen to them.

Down, you naughty, naughty thing. Away, you sheep. Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world.

Have mercy on us. Father McQuarters, everybody.

Okay. Wow, we're going nowhere with this. Sorry, hang on.

Let's try calling here at Duncan Wilson. Duncan Wilson.

That's how late I...

I'd rather be a ticket, I don't like it.

Okay.

I guess so.

We can use a little week.

Well, they've just answered, too.

Perhaps they're on guard.

Okay, we're going to call Radio Shack instead.

You ever heard of a Radio Shack before?

Yeah, that's like...

Hello?

Mr. Wilson?

Please enter your...

Aw, picked up and hung up.

Son of a bitch.

All right, we're going to call Radio Shack now.

God damn it.

Yes, sir.

How are you tonight?

Hi, how's it?

Hey, not bad.

Let me tell you what.

But my chicken coop done blown over in this tsunami.

And now my chickens done get out.

I need to know if you got enough electric voltage here so I can find me some chickens.

My chickens done got out my coop in the tsunami.

I said my chickens done flown out the coop during the tsunami, boy.

And I need to re-electrify the fence here.

I need to know what the biggest battery you got there.

I'm going to execute some of my chickens.

Oh, hang on.

They've got another hand.

All right, you can rest.

Your neighbor must think the weirdest things of you, Jen.

You know, bollocks.

I think so, too.

Hang on.

Yeah, indeed. Let's call him back.

I need a food line or like a really country store that would bake a cake, Will, in Somerville, Alabama.

Thanks for calling RadioShop.

Yes, hello, sir. I'm interested in making an out-of-lab 34-minute score. I need quite a lot of equipment, sir. Will you be able to provide it? Are you up to the job, my friend?

What kind of equipment are you looking for?

Well, electrical equipment, otherwise I would not be calling you, sir.

Basically, I need a few objects that we can stick inside our rectum and stick inside this phone jack,

and then we can be walking phones, you understand?

Okay.

Do you have those?

I can't understand. What were you saying?

Well, pay attention. Can you hear me, or am I just, you know, am I retarded?

You're too soft.

I'm retarded, okay. That's very nice, sir.

Now, what I need is about seven or eight large cables that I can stick inside my rear end.

We also speak into phone jacks, and then we can walk around like lanterns and start ringing

every time somebody calls the phone.

It's a genius idea.

I came up with it very recently.

I am the newest thing over in America.

I am a big scientist.

I don't know if you've heard of me.

My name is Dr. Jim Stewart.

Nope.

Nope?

Okay, then you should start reading the New Scientist magazine, sir, then you'll learn

something.

Now, do you have these cables?

Because I know Radio Shack, out of all the places in the world, would have these cables.

We have cables, yes.

Yes, good. We're getting somewhere here, sir.

But do you have the cables that I need to put inside my rear end and into the phone jack?

No, we don't. What do you think to do?

No, you don't. Yes, you do, sir.

Because when I was interviewed by the new scientist instructor who is here with me now,

I can put him on the phone.

He will confirm, sir, that it is actually possible that you have these cables.

Right, right, Mr. Carlos.

Hello?

Yes.

Hello, sir.

Hello.

I'm trying to understand that you have these cables.

I have on good authority from the president of Radio Shack himself, the CEO, George Washington, that you indeed have these cables.

Okay, so you spoke with the president of Radio Shack.

Yes.

Okay, that's good.

Yes, and I have under his authority, under his jurisdiction from the state of Alabama, that you must help us please, my child.

You see?

There are the secret cables that you have in the secret boxes in the safe, and you know the secret combination.

Every Radio Shack has it.

No, we don't.

The combination is...

Sir, what is the combination, my associate?

I'm sorry, what?

The combination, my associate on the phone can give you the combination for the safe.

Yes, oh, sorry, the combination, sorry, I'm looking it up.

The combination is 79595.

Oh, that's good.

Yes, so 79595, you can put it up your ass, and then you can pull it out of the machine.

And then I can have my cable.

You must type that inside into the computer machine that you have there, sir.

Okay.

7995, do it now, my child.

7595.

Whatever it is.

Why don't you stick it up your ass?

Excuse me.

Please?

Young man, do you know who I am? I'm Jack Valente, and I play golf.

I'm Jim Stewart, you silly man. Do you know who the hell I am?

I was just the biggest thing in your New Scientist magazine, you silly little rascal.

We give massages to Mr. Radio Shack himself.

We know Mr. Shack.

We know Mr. Shack, and we are important.

We give him massages and play golf with him.

Who do you know, Jack?

Jack Shack. He is the founder of Radio Shack.

Shack-a-lack-back, you know?

Boom-tack, shack-a-lack, give a dog a bone, don't give a nothing but the microphone.

That's right.

That is the secret handshake.

It is.

It is the secret phone handshake passed down by Mr. Shaq.

Okay, let me put you on hold for a second.

Oh, Jay, hurry up.

I don't want to be on hold. I want the damn cable.

I'm going to call Mr. Shaq.

Okay, well, let me put you on hold.

Well, I'm calling Mr. Shaq.

Okay, get the cable.

Promptly. Make it 20 seconds, otherwise we're leaving.

Hello.

Hang up.

Okay, I will hang up now.

One moment, please.

Milkman, say something while we do this.

Something while we do this.

Yes, that's right.

We're getting ready to make another...

You smart-ass.

...getting ready to call in on our toll-free line.

That number you want to dial is 888-278-8509.

And you can get in live right here on 98.6 The Mouth.

Okay, all right.

Thank you, Milkman.

Thank you very much.

You should always say back to you in the studio, Carlito.

Every time you do that, I'll play applause.

Milkman, make a note of that.

Fuck you, big guy in the studio.

Okay, we're going to call it Dunkin' Donuts.

Jim, you're welcome to stay in the line if you'd like.

Oh, please.

I want to do this.

Dunkin' Donuts.

Now, this is not our famous Dunkin' Donuts, but this one is in Hawaii itself.

Do you know what Hawaii is or where that is?

Are you aware of Hawaii?

Okay.

Oh, we have a request here, Jim.

No, no, no.

Oh, no, it's okay.

Well, Hawaii is a place.

It's an island in the Pacific.

There you go.

Yeah, I know that.

Oh, that's not the one.

Fuck, I sent you the wrong one.

Hang on.

Dunkin' Donuts is the one.

Oh, you're sending this to me.

I need to walk across the room.

So stay on the line and join in if you'd like.

We're going to call on Duncan Donitz here.

All right, you started, now come in with Marvin.

We have a prime call here in a second, thanks to Will and Nunu,

working together here behind the scenes and they don't even know it,

to a member of the Alabama division of the United Daughters of the Confederacy.

If you don't know who the Confederacy is, Jane, they're the South with the Civil War.

We had a Civil War here.

And, yeah.

So, anyway, these women wanted to bake a cake with a Confederate flag on it,

and, Will, guess what?

It didn't happen.

They couldn't find a bakery or grocery store who would bake the cake for them

in a Confederate flag design.

No store would do it, and it was in the news.

So we're going to call a member of that place and offer them here in a little bit

to bake the cake for them free of charge.

Yeah, yeah, but not yet.

We're going to call the Dunkin' Donuts first.

But I'm probably going to say that I will bake the cake for them,

and I'm an owner of a grocery store, you know,

but they will have to also put a swastika on it

because I'm a member of the Nazi Brotherhood.

Right, all right.

I can do the German part.

You can because he's German.

I ain't just...

There you go.

All right, Austin.

Dunkin' Donuts first, though.

Dunkin' Donuts first.

Everybody stay...

Dunkin' Donuts, let me bring Marvin.

Okay, Marvin is coming.

He's going to call Dunkin' Donuts here.

You're going to start the call.

I'm going to come in with Marvin.

Okay.

You're Dunkin' Donuts?

Dunkin' Donuts.

I said Dunkin' Donuts.

Thank you. Thank you for pointing that out, Will. I appreciate that.

You're such a team player. Good old Will. Hang on, folks.

Hello, how are you?

Good.

My friend, I need to know if you have how many glazed donuts might you have right now, my son?

How many we have now glazed donuts?

Yes, Eddie.

How many you want?

As many as you have on hand right now, making some ice cream.

We have seven dozen.

Seven dozen? And how much you cut me right for? How many dozen donuts there, my friend?

Seven dollars. I'll tell you what, I'll give you $52.

You buy $52?

$52, seven donuts.

Huh?

$52 for seven dozen donuts.

Seven dozen donuts for...

$52, $52.

$52?

I give you $52.

You have $52, right?

Absolutely, that's exactly what I have. It's for charity.

Huh?

Seven dozen.

Okay, $5, seven dozen?

Yeah.

$5. Okay, I got you.

No, $5. $7.

You said $5.

No, $7 doesn't cost $49.

You said $72.

Okay, bye.

Who is this?

This is your mother.

I call police, okay? I have your number.

Wait a second.

You do that.

I'm not afraid.

Hold on.

I'm under control.

Who?

Marvin is on the phone.

Hello.

I call police, okay? I have your number.

No, I am police. My name is Detective Marvin.

My ass.

That was funny.

Tocantins is great.

I'm going to call the police. It's always the bullies.

He's like, oh my ass.

I forgot he was on the line.

You've seen it the whole time.

What a dumbass.

All right, we're going to call another Dunkin' Donuts,

and we'll call him back in a little bit, all right?

We'll call this next one here.

I'm sending it to you,

and then we'll call him back right after that,

and then maybe we'll call the other one back.

We'll do something, all right?

Dunkin' Donuts coming at you here.

Dunkin' Donuts, great coffee.

Good place to get coffee, all right?

Go down there.

Do you want me to start it?

Yes, you can start this time.

Hey, look at your G-talk.

All right, Milkman, I will.

Thank you, Will and Milkman.

I got bodies.

You got that food line?

You sent that food line?

You fine?

Food Lion, man. They'd be the most

confederate store, I think.

Hang on, everybody.

They used to sell a confederate flag hat

at the Food Lion in Deltona when I was

in high school, like, ten years ago.

Yeah, but they sold a

confederate flag hat.

That's fucked up. I should've bought that and sued them.

I used to see it all the time. I was like, I should buy that

hat and sue them and say, look what I bought.

A racist material at Food Lion, and I had the receipt

for it, and my dad would never let me

buy it. Every time. I was like, dad,

we could buy it and we could we could we could like have a black family buy it or we would buy

it and we would say look we had the proof here they sold us a food line it would say like

confederate flag and the receipt or whatever and we were going to say it to the news and get them

sued we were totally thinking but my dad was like no no i was like that we could seriously make

money off of that we didn't do it i'm sorry jen i'm talking up a storm here hang on everybody

Honey, the prank call I promised is in action.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Yeah, hello.

I got some donuts for you guys yesterday.

I still feel like, you know, I don't know what you decided to say.

I'm thinking, oh, it's like...

Uh-oh, Disney?

I got some donuts for you guys yesterday.

Oh, I got some kind of stuff to buy.

Oh, I feel like, hell, what did you put inside the donuts?

They could barely hear you.

Jen, they could barely...

They hung up.

They could barely hear you.

Alright.

Call back.

And then we're going to call the other Dunkin' Donuts back again.

Alright, alright.

Let me call her back while you do that.

Dunkin' Donuts?

I have a question.

How many glazed donuts do you have on hand right now, my daughter?

How many dozen?

$649?

Yep.

You have $649 of them in?

$649 dozen donuts, right?

I know, but I need to know how many dozen you have made right now available.

But you have...

I got to come in like in five minutes, my dear.

How many dozen did you make?

As many as you have. I'm asking you how many do you have?

I have only three dozen.

You have three dozen on hand right now?

Yeah.

For how much is three dozen?

Three dozen is...

Yeah, everything, everything, tax, everything. What's the total? I need to know.

I have to write a check.

Yes, I need to write a check.

How much is it for?

I'm going to come in and get all your...

I'm going to be there in like three minutes.

Three minutes?

Yes.

How many dozen?

Every one you have.

How much for all the glazed donuts you have?

Okay, one.

Only three dozen.

Okay, how much for the three dozen?

I got to write a check.

What's your check?

You're rubbing it on it?

No, personal check.

No, no, no.

It's from the president.

It's from the president of Radio Shack, Mr. Shack.

Oh, here in the coming...

okay but how much how much tell me so i can bring the money hurry up

yeah it's busy hang on

22 dollars what about 19 okay i have 19 i have 19 in cash and then i have three dollars but

it's all in pennies okay okay okay 1848 okay 1848 okay but can i bring in like

Like $3 in pennies and then $15?

Oh, $3 enough?

Yeah.

I'll bring $18 for you.

But, hey, listen, I burned my face the other day in an accident.

I'm a firefighter.

So I'm going to be wearing a ski mask, and I want you to put the donuts in a pillow sack.

So I'm going to have that with me, too.

And I'm going to have a coat, and I'm going to be holding like a pickle inside the coat, okay?

Okay, yes, I will.

Yeah, but I'm saying I want you to put it in a, I'm going to come with a pillow sack for the donuts,

and I'm going to be wearing a ski mask

because I burnt my face.

I'm going to wear a ski mask

and I'm going to come in with a pillow sack

for you to put the donuts inside.

I just don't want you to get worried.

Oh, yeah, I'm coming.

Three dozen donuts ready, okay?

I am busy.

Okay, but I'm coming for the three dozen.

Don't sell them.

All right, he's done.

She's out of here.

Let me clean up the land for you.

I have to call in on Trophy.

I can't call in on the other one

because he won't let me call in on Bum Bum Bums.

Try now.

Now, no, no, no, it's not block, oh, it's block, it comes up block, shit.

Alright, give me a moment here, my friend, I will do that in a second here.

I'm gonna be where it is, hang on, in the G-Talk, Rolodex, I'm in there.

I'm in the Rolodex.

I'm in the Rolodex room, man, I'm by myself.

No, I'm, I'm, oh, yeah, another one.

Oh, you mean in PCR, Milkman, is that the problem?

No, he's in G-Talk.

No, he's saying, uh, Milkman, you can talk, you know.

No, I'm on G-Talk, man, read your message.

Oh shit

He wasn't

Yes

I'm not

Okay

I don't know what I was talking about

Do not

Nobody heard that alright

Alright good

I got a UK number

Uh

Bodies

Whatever

I gotta turn the toll free line on

Hang on everybody

The toll free line is about to be turned on

I'm telling you

Alright

That's the name of the place

It's too bad she's so dumb

That she didn't realize

What we were talking about

Bodies

Bodies to blow your mind

Where's this at

I said

It's in the UK

London maybe

Uh, I don't know. We'll find out.

Alright, Jen, it's time for you to call in if you want.

Yeah, yeah, alright.

Uh, toll free. Yeah, toll free's on.

Hurry up before Jonathan calls in.

I'll quit team speed. Yeah, I'm on it.

Jonathan's gonna call in any second now. Hey, man,

what's up? Yeah, I was listening

to you today. We love Jonathan, though.

Alright, so in a second, Jen's gonna call back

in. We're gonna do some more pranks.

Uh, no, it's not. I think you're

lying, my good sir. Oh, I can hear that. My god.

See, this is why I call in for my land buying. It's easier

for me. Yeah, but you sounded fine on the

landline. Well, I don't

know why everybody's saying we're quiet. It's because

you're calling from far away. That's the only problem, I think.

It's not a big deal. No, it's just I've got a portable

phone. I think that's fine. Okay. Let me try it one more

time. 1-888-278-8509.

Yes, and that's someone's calling in,

and that's Jonathan. Great. All right. Hang on.

We're going to make him do the work now. Hang on.

We've got Jonathan.

Oh, Jonathan.

What's up, Carlito?

How you doing, Jonathan? Pretty good.

All right, man, you know what you missed last week, right?

Yeah, I missed the show.

I was busy.

Yeah, but what's your favorite kind of prank call that you missed?

Cheese boys.

No, no, no.

Even better, Fat Albert, man.

Oh.

You missed a Fat...

Did you get the call recorded?

Yeah, I got it recorded.

You missed a Fat Albert prank call, and it wasn't that bad.

That was a polar bear sex call.

Remember that, Will?

Yeah.

That was Ronji.

You missed it.

It was Fat Albert talking about a polar bear who had attacked his rental car,

and then it just went from there.

I thought you would enjoy that.

Yeah, I heard on that Dunkin' Donuts call, that was actually fun.

Yeah, it was.

Yeah, I'm waiting to call him back, the first one, as soon as Jen can get back on the line here.

Okay.

All right.

So what were you up to last week?

Were you in Jacksonville or something?

No, I had a meeting to go to at the main district school office.

Oh, you got in trouble?

No, it's just a daily meeting.

It was like a banquet.

Good deal, Jonathan.

Well, thank you for uplifting us.

We appreciate it.

What's up?

I finally got my brand new bus in.

It's out of shop and it's up and going.

Yeah, you're going to take the governor off of it?

Right now?

Do you know where the governor is?

Which one?

You have a governor on your bus, you know what I mean?

I think I do, I'm not for sure.

Governor, Will, do you know where the governor is on the car?

Yeah.

It makes it so you can't go a certain speed, you can't go too fast, you can't use too much of the engine.

So, like, you can get the governor to take an offer and you go faster on the bus.

How fast can you take that?

How fast can you take it on one of your buses?

What's the fastest you've taken one?

We actually have to, on school buses, we have to obey the speed limits.

But on the commercial buses, you can go a little bit more faster.

So, what's the fastest you ever take a big bus?

The commercial, I take about 70 miles per hour.

Oh, that's nothing, man.

I go like 100, man.

Can you imagine the power?

I would tear ass of people in, like, going 100 miles an hour in a big bus.

That would be scary, though.

You imagine being in that.

No one's going to get in your way.

Yeah, man.

Those are scary when you do a tight turn on one of those buses, man.

You feel like the whole thing is good.

You know, they ever do a tight turn on a bridge, like at an overpass?

Like, I took a bus into New York, into Manhattan once.

And on the way there, off the expressway, off of New Jersey, off the toll road, you know,

it does this big turn to go down through the Lincoln Tunnel.

And you feel like the whole bus is just going to fall over on its side, man.

You feel like if everybody just went like this and leaned on the side of the bus,

the whole thing would go over to the nothingness of New Jersey.

It's so scary.

I hate buses, man.

I'd be scared.

I couldn't drive.

That's a lot of pressure, man.

Good thing for you, man.

You're a brave American.

I'd be so scared to drive a bus.

With the big buses, you don't have to worry about when you do the sharp, wide turns,

but with the smaller, conventional buses, you don't have to worry about that.

Right, right.

All right, man.

Well, hey, thanks for calling in.

It's been an interesting conversation, as always.

Not a problem.

Do you have a quick what's up to the peoples?

I just wanted to say hello to all my fans and listeners,

and I hope y'all have a great weekend.

All right, man.

Have a blessed weekend.

We'll talk to you next week.

We love you, Jonathan.

Hey, make sure you send me those two calls in the morning

if you're on Dunkin' Donuts and Fat Albert calls.

Oh, right away.

Yes, sir.

All right, I'll talk with you tomorrow.

All right, man.

See you later.

Yeah, Jonathan.

Jonathan.

Big old Jonathan.

All right, Jen, you said I should call you instead?

Hey, you have to put on your damn glasses.

Yeah, that should work.

All right, hang on.

Let me call Jen Stewart, everybody, just a moment.

Put on your tushies and look in your G-Talk, pappy.

Jen, excuse me.

Jen, that's not working.

It's not working.

No, it's not for me.

I don't know.

I think I messed it up, but shit.

Milkman, I don't know.

I'm in the chat room you're talking about, and there's nothing going on.

You're not in the right run, bro.

Check it out, man.

All right.

I'm in the PCU chat server, okay?

Right?

Go to the server window.

Okay.

And that channel right

Type what

Hang on everybody this is just for Milkman

Let's sit a moment here

And if you want to call in

Again the phone number see there I am again

In the same chat I'm all by myself Milkman

What are you talking about

I don't understand isn't that the chat room he's telling me to go in

Yeah and I'm in it

And I'm in here all by myself

This is now talking to Vododex

Yeah PC radio.IRC

Sets mode and that that that

Are you in the right server or are you in the other server

Of course I'm in the right server.

I've already got people in here with me.

All right, well, I don't understand what's going on with the stupid server.

Anyway, we're taking a break, man.

We're just, like, dwelling here on some crazy shit.

We've got to figure that out, Milkman, in the break, okay?

Can you send me an invite?

Is that possible through IRC?

Can you send an invite to a chat room?

No, no.

You can't?

I can't.

Damn it, man.

What the hell's going on?

What am I doing wrong?

I don't get it.

I'm doing something wrong.

Whatever.

We'll be right back, folks.

The first, the only break of the show.

Fuck.

Anyway, we'll be right back.

It's 1239.

We'll be right back in about five minutes.

Hang on, everybody.

Enjoy this.

Two dogs all late.

Got to testify.

Come up in the spot looking extra fly.

For the day I die.

House Radio will be back right after this.

Don't tell me 40,000 people are coming here.

They're not here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where's my story like that, man?

Yeah.

Close your eyes, man.

Like, nah, I'm on that show.

I hope you on that show.

I'll stay in here.

And they.

That House Radio's back?

No.

Well, I put July's story instead of last story.

Wow, Will.

That's sad.

Will, fuck you, bitch, motherfucker.

You got to pull the audio for that.

I called the police.

That's funny.

Gene, go ahead and try now.

Yes, sir.

Try.

Try one way.

Gene Stewart's going to try to call in again.

We're going to knock some quick prank calls out of the way.

You know what I'm saying?

Lonesome Loser has sent in a ton of numbers here that we're going to hit up.

Including Gary Coleman, Monkey Business, Mr. Nice Cream in Australia.

Hey now.

And the Liquor Stop in NSW.

Is that New South Wales?

New something Wales, I think?

I don't know.

Oh, man, you guys are muted.

Shit.

Oh, my bad.

Sorry.

Yeah, I was going to say, I tried the number, but it says your call has been probably delayed and blah, blah, blah.

We don't accept block numbers.

That's fucked up.

I don't know.

How do you turn off block numbers, Will?

Star 7-7?

How do you let block numbers in?

You're trying to get me to work at not work.

I'm not at work.

I don't answer those kind of questions.

All right.

Now, try now, Jen.

I think I did it.

I think that's the code.

Star 8-2.

All right.

We'll try Star 8-2.

We'll try them all.

Star 4.

One of them's got to be the one.

All right.

Star 8-2 it is.

Okay.

Oh, hell yeah.

We got a black nightclub, everybody.

Get it, get it.

Players, the black nightclub in Jackson, Mississippi.

Bodies to blow your mind.

And you said that's an escort service in the U.K., Will?

Yes, sir.

All right, good idea.

Hey, guys, from now on, Jen, everybody, Milkman, Will, Lonesome Loser, there we go.

We got it now.

Got it.

We'll use that room to throw everything out.

It's working now, man.

Well, maybe not.

I don't know.

Yeah, anyway.

Hey, everybody.

I mean, hello there.

Caller, you're in the air.

This is the collection agency.

Oh, shit.

No.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

What are you looking for?

I am looking for Madhouse Radio.

He no live here no more.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Seriously.

I got to call Cadence Restaurant in and order his hot dog stuff.

Okay.

You have a fantastic evening, sir.

Well, thank you for calling in, then.

Bye, section.

I hope you get your money back.

I'm really cold, man.

Nice.

Some guy from Virginia or something.

Okay.

That was kind of creepy.

I feel kind of dirty.

Well, what is it you said that you should end every sentence in?

Please?

Right.

Ladies, right.

Hang on.

Wait, clear the line again.

Creepy guy say ladies were creepy.

Jin, I don't know.

Call back like you were originally.

I mean, is nothing working now?

What's the deal?

No, I can call back from my landline, but I don't want people to complain that they can't hear me.

I feel a bit stupid.

If they can't hear me, there's no point.

No, we can hear you.

You're totally audible.

You just got to speak up a little bit, and you can, but you're doing fine.

It's not that bad.

Anyway, yeah, don't worry about it.

I'll call back for my landline, huh?

Yeah, man, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Okay, we got more numbers to do here anyway.

Let me get some music on here.

Let me turn this off and turn this on here.

Let's catch back up.

Second half of the show is starting now.

We'll see how long we go.

I really would like to call back that Duncan Dunn.

That was hilarious.

Let me get that ready here.

We've already called that chick, so that's done.

Lonesome Losers numbers, Lonesome Losers numbers.

We talked to Jonathan already.

Alrighty, John, thanks for calling in. Milkman is saying stuff there. We're going to shut that off.

Lord Spoon sending breaking news about an immigration bill in the Congress.

I saw it, but I didn't read it. Hang on.

Okay, Jim. I assume Jim.

Hey, how you doing?

Good. What's going on, boy?

Not much.

Alright, good. You sound like you're having fun.

Yeah, I'm having a lot of fun.

Alright, would you want to call back the Dunkin' Donuts dude yet?

Yeah, sure.

Alright, hang on. Let me get his number here. It's all the way up here.

This is the one where I was kind of fucked.

Uh, this is the, uh, the alien one.

The alien one?

The alien one you did.

I didn't do an alien one.

What was the one?

I was kind of fucked.

I said there was something in the down-out or something.

Oh, no, no, no.

This is the first one before that.

The guy was going to call the bullies.

Oh, Marvin, yeah, right, okay.

Marvin, Marvin, okay.

All right, now you're on the same page here.

Hang on, folks.

Here comes our call now.

Buenos tardes, amigo.

La good friend cinco de mayo son.

And I will see each other again.

Killed my brother

Last shot him

Three times

In the back

Night

I still hear

Mama weeping

Black

Wand with your

For you

Alright, we're gonna go

Summer with the show now

And Toms, everybody

Hey, is this Peep and Toms?

Yep

Okay

Well, how much is your mission usually?

Ten dollars

Okay, and this is

I mean, there's no problem

If I look at the women, right?

Is that alright?

Is it okay if I

If I look at the women?

Yeah, you got some sort of problem, don't you?

No, is this Peeping Tom's, though?

Okay, you understand that I'm a dude, right?

You're not jerking off right now, are you?

No, no, that's why I'm just thinking about peeping.

All right.

You're breathing pretty hard.

Yeah, yeah.

Why don't you get and go somewhere else?

What are you called?

What's your name?

That's it.

There we go.

Peeping Tom's, everybody.

Peeping Tom's.

You did it.

You went there.

Awesome.

An overfed.

This is the grouchy chef, everybody.

Grouchy chef.

The grouchy chef.

Well, I'll let you stop, because I have no idea.

All right.

Jen, where'd you come from?

Yeah.

How'd you get on the phone?

I was there the whole time.

That's fine.

Hello?

Hello, is this the grouchy chef?

Yeah.

A grouchy chef, man.

Do you make meatballs?

Yes, I'm just drinking.

What?

I'm telling you, man.

Hey, stupid, do you make green balls?

Yes, circumcision.

What's that?

Circumcision.

What?

I'm going to put my friend Jen Stewart on the line.

Jen, go ahead.

Yes, hello, sir.

Welcome.

Greetings, everything.

How are you?

Oh, marvelous day, the sun is shining, the birds are killing each other, and the Arabs are wearing bombs and running around like crazy men.

How are you, sir?

Yeah, who is this?

This is Jim Stewart, as my associate Carlito has told you twice already, I'm sure.

Listen, shut up.

We want the meatball.

Who is this?

Listen, I'm not going to tell you this again.

You pay attention very carefully, sir, because you're very quiet.

So I need to shout, and you need to listen.

Now, my friend Carlito explained to you, sir, my name is Jim Stewart.

I am very famous musician, and I am here today to perform in front of a million people.

Sir, I don't hear...

I want your meatballs, son of a bitch. Send them to me.

What?

What? Send me the meatballs, sir. I want the meatballs, quite promptly.

So I can place them in my balls.

Oh, yes. Like the bollocks. Like the bollocks.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

All right. Thank you. Thank you. Have a good night.

Take the cootie. Take the cootie. Oh, yes. Yes.

Sir, what do you want?

Sir, he's...

What do you want from me, sir? Please, tell me. I'm dying here.

Yeah, what do you want, sir?

He's gone.

Golly, you bastard.

Bollocks.

Bollocks to him.

That's a fucking meatball.

What a batch.

I don't know why I said it like that.

What's your destination number now?

Hang on.

Dunkin' Donuts again.

Right.

This is the guy that we called originally, right?

Yes.

Yes, sir.

Dunkin' Donuts, Scott.

How's it going?

How do you do?

Yeah, thanks.

My name is Detective Mervin.

I am a private investment agent for Altair International.

Hello?

Hello.

Hello, sir.

My friend is going to speak up now.

Yeah, right, okay.

I'm going to speak up.

Hello, sir.

My name is Marvin, Detective Marvin.

I am a private investigator for Al Qaeda International.

Hello.

Hello, yeah.

Yeah, hello.

Yeah, hi.

My name is Marvin.

I am a private investigator for Al Qaeda International.

What do you mean?

Yeah.

Yeah, and I'm investigating a serious crime that you have committed, sir.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, what are you putting in those donuts over there, you little bastard?

I know you were cheating from day one.

I saw you put that shit in the donuts, and then the donuts flew up inside my friend's belly.

Yeah, no problem.

That's why I'm investigating.

What?

Yeah, no problem.

What do you mean, no problem?

What are you, stupid?

You need a donut, no problem.

No, I don't want a donut, man.

I know what you're putting in that shit.

What do you need?

What do you mean, what do I need?

What are you, stupid?

Hey, answer the question, man.

What do you put in inside these donuts?

Donuts.

Donuts good.

Donuts real good.

Yeah, man, but you're fucking crazy.

What are you putting inside them?

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

God damn.

Hi, guys.

How's it going?

Hi, guys.

I'm Hoot.

I'm sorry I made you yell.

That was really funny when you did it, too.

Oh, man.

Do you know how strenuous that is on my voice?

I'm sorry.

I don't know why.

On this landline, it's an international call.

It's an international destination number.

That's all it is.

I think it'll be okay for everybody else, right?

Yeah.

It's fine.

I'm going to call Hooters now.

Hang on.

I'll take this one.

Hang on, folks.

All right.

Aloha, Hooters.

This is Katie.

How may I help you?

Katie, what's up?

Nothing.

Hey, I was wondering if I come in again, can I get you to sit with me?

What?

Like, you were helping me out last week, you know?

Uh-huh.

And I was wondering if I could get you again.

Can I make a reservation with you?

For when?

For tonight.

Yeah, I'm working bar.

You can just come in.

Words.

I can get food at the bar, though?

Uh-huh.

Oh, sweet.

Yeah, I think, like, me and you, like, we really hit it off.

You know, you sat down next to me and everything,

and I just really would like to, you know, maybe just talk with you and drink and eat.

I mean, you were really cool.

We got this thing.

Like, I know you even sat down next to me when you took my order and everything.

I was like, that's awesome.

Okay, well, you can just come in.

I came back from Iraq, remember?

I told you I just came back from Iraq, remember?

Yeah.

Yeah, Medi Garcia.

Okay, well, you can come in.

We'll be here until 11.

My cousin wants to talk to you, though.

His name's Louis Garcia.

You remember him?

It was me and my cousin that came in.

Well, I'm really busy right now.

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, Louis.

Yo, hello, what's up, yo?

Katie's her name?

Answer your destination number now.

Let me try to get Louis Garcia to call the other Hooters now.

Hang on.

She did.

She was in it.

She's into it now.

All right, Jen.

This is another Hooters.

Okay.

You can start if you'd like.

All right.

Thank you for calling Hitters of Hollywood.

This is Shannon. How can I help you?

Well, I got you, baby. How you doing?

I want to come up in here.

This is your little ass.

This is what I'm going to do. I'm the man.

That's right. How you doing, baby?

My name is Jay to the I to the N.

How you doing? How you been?

That's right. I'm going to come up in the hooters

and I'm going to sing my shit, right?

She hung up.

I know.

She was just jumpy.

We'll call Walmart then. Hang on, folks.

All right.

That's a mood line.

Woo-sah.

How you talking, man?

Live it one day at a time.

Ain't nothing but a thing, though.

Damn it.

I have an idea.

What's your idea?

I have a good idea.

Oh, okay.

Share it.

The Nazi thing.

Oh, shit, that's right.

The pizza.

Oh, another pizza.

We should change it to a pizza.

That's right.

Are we on?

Yeah, we are.

We're on.

All right.

Hang on.

Yeah, let's...

Okay, who do we call out of these sisters of the American Confederation?

Hang on.

Let me find here.

Patriotic activities.

There we go.

Let me start, because then I'll put you on as my translator.

Okay, and you got the whole story about it, right?

Like, you figured it out?

Well, no, not really, but we can just make something up.

Well, I'll start, I'll send the translator, and then you continue.

Yes, fine.

Okay, good.

Good, all right, let's do that, then.

Okay.

This is a residence.

That's hilarious.

All right, we'll try the next person on the list.

Hang on.

I start, and you take over quickly.

Interpreter.

Hello?

Hello, my name is, I am Ralph, I am interpreter 2276, I have an international call.

I'm the interpreter, and I have an international call from Germany, and I'm going to be translating, sir.

Okay.

My name is Adolfo Schussenfassen.

Adolf Hitler.

flag. Okay. And

he's saying

that he would like to know if you would accept

the donation of a cake for your Confederate flag

festivities. He's calling from Germany

and heard of your story. Yes.

Sir?

That's my wife.

She's not here, sir.

I think she would.

Okay. What he's

explaining to me

is that he would like to donate

as large a cake as you need. He's going to pay for it.

He's from Germany.

He's with the sons of the Third Reich, but he insists that the flag would also have to have a swastika on it as well.

No, he would not have that.

He insists, sir. He said it's a great disrespect to his people to turn down a pastry.

He said it's a great disrespect to his proud people

if you turn down a pastry.

He wants to donate the confederate flight cake

that you guys want.

Yes.

What are the dimensions of the cake

that you're trying to acquire, sir?

How many centimeters?

I don't know.

Okay, what exactly is this for?

or did you want just a confederate flag on it?

He wants to know.

We're going to have it sent from the local food line, sir.

That's okay.

Don't worry about it.

Do you know the food line in Carrollton, Georgia

would like to donate it?

That's okay. Don't worry about it.

Okay.

It is a great disrespect

to disrespect the German jugend.

Have you heard of the Luftwaffe?

I think we lost a patient.

Could he actually hear anything out there?

Yeah, he could hear you in the background

going off in German.

It sounded kind of funny.

I didn't know.

I was talking about

sticking the cake in his arm.

Is that what it was?

See, I didn't know.

It sounded legit.

Hang on.

We're going to call

the next one on the list now.

Hello?

Hello, Ms. McCamish?

Uh-huh.

Hi, I'm the interpreter here

and I'm with

Jürgen Jürgen & Associates

and my associate from Germany

is actually interested

in possibly donating

the cake that you're in need of.

Don't call me.

Huh?

Don't call me.

Excuse me?

Ma'am,

we lost a patient already.

She's gone.

No, she said something

about don't call me.

Don't call me, yeah,

Yeah, but you know what?

You know, you don't turn down free cake.

Yeah, you certainly don't.

No.

Even if it's going to have red and blue frosting on it.

Well, you know, take care of that.

Well, sure.

Enter your destination number.

We'll call the next one.

Hang on, everybody.

Once again, we're calling.

I'm so, like, jazzed right now that I can't dial right.

Okay, well, you're going to stop.

It's taking me forever to dial numbers, man.

I'm with God.

It's India in the chat room.

Jen, the one we're calling now.

Hello?

Hello, Ms. Rodin?

Miss Rodin, hi. This is Archdeacon. I'm calling from the United Rutherhood of the Third Reich,

and I've got a gentleman here from Germany who's interested in donating a cake to your cause.

Ma'am, do you hear me? Hello? Ma'am, I know you picked up the phone. Hello?

Miss Rodin. Damn you, Rodin. Please answer.

She took the telephone in your ass.

That would have been good had she kept talking after the machine picked up.

Dude, I'm done with...

I'm screaming my voice up at about 7 in the morning.

That sounded really good.

Get back on Team Spirit.

We're going to wrap it up here pretty soon.

All right, thanks.

Did you see your G-Talk?

My G-Talk.

Yeah, it's all smooshed up.

Hang on.

Hey, do you have that Snoop?

Yes, I do, Milkman.

You want me to play that?

Sure.

Let me see if I can find it here.

Yeah, sometime there.

Yeah, we're wrapping it up here.

Since we're in that flavor.

We might wrap it up here pretty soon.

Maybe we can bullshit, but I'm not in a position now to talk right now.

I'm just like, woo.

Oh, well.

I'm not in a position to dial numbers right now.

You know what I'm talking about, Will?

Yeah.

I just don't.

Hey, I'm on fire, man.

I could push the number.

Where's backup in here?

That's the one.

Gin's on my hand.

I can't push the number.

Milkman, help me push the number.

I'm stupid.

Milkman, help us all.

That's right.

Ginstore.com.

The man of a thousand voices.

I thought you were going to say.

That's right, jinstewart.com.

Can't we get bored?

Go there.

That's right, Jinstewart is stupid.

I thought that's what you guys were going to say there for a second.

Honestly, it sounded like you were going to say that, Milkman.

That was pretty funny.

You would have said that.

Shista.

All right, hang on.

I'm going to Google Talk, Receive Calls.

I wonder what that would have been titled there, Milkman.

It's Snoop Dogg Mashup.

Snoop Dogg Mashup?

There we go.

It's definitely a mashup.

Yep, I found it now.

Here we go.

Let me set that up here.

And we're about to wrap it up, folks.

Anyway, madhouselive.com is the web page you can reach us at.

Other than that, if you want to get a hold of us during the week, be sure to email us.

Check out the podcast.

I promise.

I keep promising this all the time, but I never update the podcast.

But I will update it.

Hey, but we have updated recently.

Yeah.

Yeah, we have.

Two episodes last week, a week ago today.

I'll add two episodes this weekend, perhaps.

I've got a few quizzes to take this weekend, but I'll take care of it, you know?

Awesome.

Jin, are you still in school this semester?

What happened with that?

Yes, I will start again next week.

Cool.

I finished in July.

I've been having job interviews for the last two weeks.

Wow.

I started again.

I started this week, the summer term.

Oh, yeah?

That's right.

Well, no, I had two weeks off to look for a job, so I finished in July.

Well, it started July end of June.

Oh, did I tell you guys I made Ethernet cable on Tuesday in my class?

It was real cool.

That's how to make crossover cable.

I did make a crossover cable.

I know, but do you have it?

Can I have it?

Yeah, the crossover cable's right there on the, uh...

I'll buy it.

No, keep it, man.

I'm looking for a crossover cable.

That's one.

It's short, though, because I fucked it up so much I can't have it with me.

I fucked it up.

Milkman, dude, I made Cat 5 cable in my class.

It was awesome.

You ever make Cat 5 cable?

Yeah, man, them crimpers are cool, man.

Yeah, it's a blue one in the, uh...

It's cut off right about a half inch.

In the living room, Will.

And, right, and then you take and untwist all the wires and get them in line.

Then you just, like, tie it up in there and make sure they're always butt to the end of the clip.

You have the right, uh...

in there. Yeah, you have to have the right

color coordination on it.

That's a crossover. I tested it and everything went well.

It's tested. It's guaranteed to work.

Awesome. I made it with my own two hands.

Want me to autograph it for you? Yeah.

I'll autograph it. Yeah, we took some of ours

and what we did was we got a little box where you

put both ends of it and it'll show you if any of them

are not correctly... Exactly. And it

tells you, like, it gives you the marking, like, which

ones are messed up and you can actually, you know,

see where you're fucked up or whatever. It tells you there's a short.

It's awesome. It's a neat little class I'm in, dude.

What's really cool is if you're

If you're out in the field, what we was doing, you have two of those boxes.

One will transmit to the other, and even if you're at the other end and you can't reach it,

the box will actually tell you where your mistake was.

Yeah, where your short is or where you're crossing it or whatever.

All that stuff.

Right.

Excuse me.

So, yeah, that's about it.

What else can we talk about?

We've talked the horse down, right?

I want to apologize, Lonesome Loser.

We didn't get to all your numbers, but they're all saved in the bank.

We called a decent number here, you know, a decent amount of calls that we did tonight.

Have we tried to call that guy's wife back yet?

Who?

Phelps?

No, they changed their number, Nunu said.

They changed it and they got hit too much.

So we got what we got out of them.

You know who you should call?

Who's that?

You know, remember that chick that you had a couple of weeks ago when I was in here?

She did like a 20 second orgasm and you were like, you were saying, oh yeah, 10 seconds to go.

And there was like, there was no seconds to go.

And then you said there's 20 seconds to go.

It was great.

It was awesome.

I see you have 10 seconds left.

You need to call it back.

30 seconds later.

Yeah, you got 8 seconds left.

Yeah, I remember that.

That was pretty good.

Yeah.

That was the best thing I've ever heard.

It was so good.

You need to send that to me.

I'll get the number.

I have no idea who sent it to me.

It was on AOL, so I'd have to do a search and try to go through all the logs and stuff by the date.

Yeah, that was an awesome prank.

I can get it to you.

Are you doing a show this weekend, or are you still on hiatus?

I might do a show this weekend.

Depends if Milkman wants to do a show.

Oh, Milkman will.

I'm sure he will.

Of course.

Don't forget, if we don't,

JenStewart.com features

a new podcast

of regularly updated calls, man.

So no matter what, you can get your

dose of fun.

That's right. And Tuck has a podcast, too.

Tuck's over at PrankCall.info.

PrankCall.info, that's right.

JenStewart.com. Milkman doesn't have

a webpage yet. We've got to get him a webpage.

And of course, MadHouseLive.com.

Just look for me on MadHouseLive.com, man.

I'm in the real fine print.

in the bottom of the fine print

where no one else can see it

I'm sorry dude we'll fix that

all this shit you see on here has nothing to do with this idiot

oh no that's not true

I'll fix that

I got all those numbers saved

I know man

we'll definitely keep those

but hey I like the idea of the shared chat room

the secret chat room let's keep it secret

alright

Will thanks for coming in

good night

awesome

Well, awesome, awesome.

Thank you, Will.

Thank you, Mommy.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Milkman, take us out of here real quick.

Excellent, excellent, wonderful job as always, Mr. Free Willy.

I'd like to thank Free Willy for showing up on the show.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, also, JimStewart.com, my bro, my buddy.

Thank you very much.

Excellent job.

Looking forward to our next show and podcast.

Yeah.

Exactly.

I'd also like to thank everybody out there in the chat room.

We've got a whole shitload of people in there.

Hey, thanks a lot for tuning in.

Thanks for sending them numbers.

Hope you all laughed and smiled as much as we did because that's what it's all about.

We want to share a smile with you.

It's about you, the listener.

We pay every week so you can come in here and have the most interactive fun right here in Prank Call Radio at Madhouse Live.

So thank you so much for tuning in, everybody over at TalkShoe, PCR, the soon-to-come giant.

We love you, Dr. Leggo.

We love you, Katie Cherry.

And we love you, Ellie.

We love you, Pete Kessler.

We love you.

All our friends over there in the chat room.

Back to you, Big Carly.

You're our fearless leader because we couldn't do it without you.

Oh, yeah, Ted.

Of course, Ted.

Ted.

Yeah, Ted's a good guy.

That's right.

Ted and Jin do a good job there.

Ted's the man.

Good tandem team, the Ted and Jin Stewart stable.

Very powerful.

Very respected.

That's right.

I think we did well.

As always, the first half of the show was better than the last, but whatever.

We had fun.

So that's it.

Thank you, everybody, for joining us.

Come on, the show kicked off.

It kicked off.

Bye, guys.

Bye, everybody.

Yes, it did.

We'll catch you next week, the 25th.

See you, guys.

Yeah.

For the Memorial Day special next week.

Next week, so I'll call in from then.

Okay.

Oh, shit.

All right.

Calls (22, 42 min of 1 h 26 min)

Transcript

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