2007-05-27 Show

And who plays What Happens in America?

Well, we steamed your ass in World War II.

What do you have to do?

We never did.

And who helped you out just now?

You piss off, woman.

Don't talk to me like that.

We don't need you anyway, bitch.

Um, fuck you.

Call me a stinky, stinky fucker.

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

Everybody, we are here.

Yes, of course, we are here.

Everybody, Madhouse Radio.

You have a goal.

Devergenizing your daughters tonight, are we?

Wow, that was gross.

That was bad.

And poor taste.

Sorry, folks.

folks. Anyway, thanks for having us on

tonight. It's on a Saturday night. Special

night for Madhouse Radio. Alright.

How about Saturday night, man?

Saturday Night Live. Anyway,

so, it is I, Carlito,

here, your host, along with

Milkman. Milkman, what's up? Tell him

how it is.

Yeah, baby! Glad to be

back in the Madhouse.

Alright. Of course. We had to

miss y'all there on Thursday,

but unfortunate prospects there,

the computer gave out in the studio.

But still here, Carlito did repair the studio computer.

Super Galaxy machine is coming here, and here we are on Saturday.

Word.

Yeah, let's get wild. Send in some good confirmed numbers.

Right on, man. Hell yeah. Send us some numbers. We need numbers.

More than anything tonight, we need your numbers.

And of course, speaking of which, none other than JenStewart.com.

And how's Jen Stewart? What's up, man?

Hello. Yes, hi. Is there two? Hi there.

Marvin, of course. What other characters do you do? Is that it?

Yes, of course.

You should do a gay Hitler.

I know I do a couple, but, you know, I've got to work into it.

What about a gay Hitler?

We should work on that one day.

A gay Hitler should make phone calls out there.

Oh, yes, Marcus.

Suck off my...

Suck off my something.

I don't know where that was going, but wow.

Swung.

Check his, yeah.

Mine swung.

Yeah.

Gay Hitler, everybody.

And that's about it.

We also got Uber from Sinklands here.

here. Synclans.something.

I forgot what they're called. I don't know if he's around.

Uber Soldier.

Hanging around. I don't think he's around around, but

he's somewhere. I'm here. There he is.

Thanks for sitting on, man. Yeah, welcome

back, Uber. Welcome in, man.

Alright, that's about it. That's our show.

Thank you, everybody, for tuning in. We're out of here.

Yeah. We'll catch y'all next week.

Alright, I'd like to thank everybody for listening.

Yeah. Good job, buddy.

Alright, great show. Good show. Good show, everybody.

No, I'm kidding. Just a joke.

Alright, so look, I need numbers if you guys want me to do a show.

Don't horse around with me.

You don't get up that easy, huh?

No, I guess not.

Man, I've got gas today.

I had some sugar-free gummy bears, and they always give me gas.

Wow.

I mean, bad, bad gas.

You know, out here it's like up to 369 in the States.

It's only 249 here, man.

Oh, no, not that kind of gas.

But no, I had flatulence.

I had some colitis.

But, yeah, gasoline is going down, I hear.

but it's it cost me three uh what is it 309 today to fill up that's not that bad we're still getting

rates and that oh you're in california right so you're probably paying like seven bucks not that

much but yeah something like that like four bucks a gallon god i would want to shoot myself man

that's sick that's sick jim wouldn't know i want to shoot damn exxon jim wouldn't know because he

he uses petrol not gasoline so i guess we can't compare we wouldn't know the same thing but they

They do it in liters, they don't measure in gallons.

Yeah, and that's too much math to do that kind of conversion now, so...

Whatever.

Plus he drives that Mini Cooper Mercedes.

Mini Cooper Mercedes.

He probably rides a bike.

Yeah, yeah.

Jim rides a bike in the underground, I bet.

That's how he gets around.

Dude, he's got, like, one of these, like, 20 or, like, 10,000 motorbikes.

That is great, because I can't afford to pay tax on my car at the moment, so I am on a bike.

But it's not a cycling bike, it's a motorbike.

Ooh, motorbike.

All right, man, that sounds fun.

I like one of them right there.

Motorbike.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, hey, everybody.

If you want to join us tonight, if you want to get a hold of us here, you can reach us on the different messengers.

The messengers.

And those are as follows here.

AIM, AOL Instant Messenger, brought to you by AOL, our sponsor.

Madhouse Radio.

Madhouse Radio on AOL Instant Messenger.

Now, don't forget Yahoo Messenger is also out there for all you Yahooians.

And you can reach us there at Madhouse Radio Online, Madhouse Radio Online.

MSN Messenger, MadhouseLive at Hotmail.com, MadhouseLive at Hotmail.com.

And, of course, the toll-free line, Milkman, take it away.

1-888-278-8509.

That's right.

We got the time to give it some time.

Yes, 888-278-8509.

And just go to MadhouseLive.com and figure it out.

You can actually message me from the front page of MadHouseLive.com right now.

I've got three people on there right now talking to me.

So what's up, everybody over there at MadHouseLive.com?

Excuse me.

Keeping it real.

And just some acknowledgments here real quick.

We're currently being broadcast on PCU Radio, PCURadio.com, as well as PCU Stereo by the venerable Dr. Lego and Ted, respectively.

All right.

Ted and Dr. Lego keeping it real in the field.

And, of course, we're on 98.6 The Mouth.

98.6 The Mouth.

Yeah, that's right.

MadHouseLive.com, 98.6 The Mouth.com, everybody.

And, last but not least, TalkShoe.com, TalkShoe.com.

All right.

So, other than that, news items, I don't know.

I don't know what news is.

What is the news lately?

What, Rosie O'Donnell quit The View after getting into a fight?

That's about it.

Dude, I sent you that article, man, about Bush signing that secret document.

Oh, DM-21-something-something, some secret emergency powers.

Basically, as soon as he decides there's an emergency or something that he thinks is important enough,

he has signed a document that goes by Congress that he can take over any territory, any government, any business,

anywhere in the United States or what is considered the United States.

is the whole planet for any reason

and hold services or do whatever he wants

based on the powers next to God

for as long as he wants

and Congress can't say anything about it.

Right.

Wow.

How about that?

What do we do?

Yeah, I know.

It's almost like a police...

Send that to me, Bill Brown.

I need to see that with my own eyes.

Yeah, I read about that.

Oh, yeah, you're going to barf.

I'll send it to you.

That's a problem

because what about right before the next election here,

he claims he can go for a third term

because of a state of emergency.

you know what about when there's the next hurricane and he takes over the whole damn

south and all the all the darn gas refineries and everything and start charging everybody 10

bucks a gallon yeah that's fucked up man i don't like it everybody remembers that was the whole

premise of this existing extreme nutty prices with this damn hurricane and all the they did

and then made record profits so come on man yeah it's dirty pool man dirty pool everybody it's

It's a dirty pool.

Anyway, so we got prank calls to do.

Lonesome Loser has sent in some numbers.

That's great.

Dude, did you hear about that pregnant girl in Canada?

No.

I didn't know there was a pregnant girl in Canada, man.

Yeah.

She went into a Walmart store and was in there like 14 minutes and left the store.

And they got on security cam.

And when she came back out, there was a little baby left in the toilet.

A little boy named Todd.

Can you believe that?

Damn, she gave birth in 14 minutes?

baby just scroll right on out she gave birth in 14 minutes are you fucking for real that i'm serious

man and she's dropped it and left it man and they're trying to find this bitch man they're

looking all over i think the mounties are on her ass now last i heard yeah i gotta take a phone

call real quick you guys entertained the people for about two minutes how did she cut the cord

was it well you could do it man but yeah that's pretty fucked up it is but that's what happened

man something's crazy it's pretty messy if it's done unprofessionally i i guess it would just

Just be really gooey, you know?

You know, I got a thing of why name him Todd, why not just name him Wally for Walmart?

So who named him Todd then?

Because obviously the mothers just left him in the toilet.

That's kind of weird.

Some guy probably just walked in.

I think I'll call you Todd.

Hi.

Hey, who?

Yeah, they must have been in human services or something.

I give him a name, I guess.

Probably feeling sorry for him.

They're calling him the Walmart bathroom baby.

Here's my question.

That's what they said and announced on the news.

Yeah, probably named after the person who found him.

How do you give birth in 14 minutes, for the love of God?

That wasn't her first baby.

I'm sorry.

It was not her first baby.

Who knows, man?

I mean, it just may have fell out, man.

She may have been really all nasty, you know.

So she went into Walmart.

I had a few all piped through there.

What does it say to you when she went into Walmart pregnant, came out not pregnant?

That's kind of, yeah, that's fucked up.

14 minutes, too.

That left it in the...

It kind of went.

I would be scared.

Can you imagine the greeter?

Oh, my.

You're bleeding.

Well, hey, you know, a few weeks ago in Japan, in Tokyo, certain schools and libraries or something have set up baby drops for unwanted babies.

It's an anonymous bin installed on the side of a building where you can leave your newborn baby if you don't want to keep it.

You can do it anonymously.

They'll put it up for adoption instead of getting an abortion or something like that.

What is wrong with people?

I read the article earlier this week.

It was about two weeks later, and sure enough, a Japanese man got caught

trying to put a three-year-old inside the bin to put him up for adoption.

What?

Yes.

I didn't believe that.

For about three years, you don't qualify.

Yeah.

I think it was like two or three years old, and he was trying to put him up for adoption

by putting him in the bin.

It's like, you know, that's, yeah, no.

You got it.

You don't do that, all right?

What a jack-off, that guy.

Anyway, all right, so.

If it was Prankmaster, then I could understand, but, you know.

When Prankmaster was three years old, he didn't fit in that bin, man.

Come on, now.

You know that's not the case.

Oh, my God.

They brought a dumpster in, just him.

He barely fit in the car.

Bring him down to the drop-off, man.

One of them 18-wheel, you know, dumpsters on the back of a damn rig, you know, with a crane arm on it.

That's right.

Well, hey, we've done everything here that we need to do, I guess,

before we do the first prank call of the night.

All right, we're going to be calling.

Is that it for the news?

You got one, Jen? Sure, shoot, man.

I don't really have very much, but there is a lot of rumors going around here in England.

I mean, I don't really watch TV, but I think I will tune in to this year's Big Brother.

It's going to start next week.

I think it launches on Friday.

Really? You guys are really into Big Brother?

I think they canceled it here in America.

Well, it was pretty funny last year, and I've got to admit, it looks quite attractive this year.

I mean, I saw some pictures of the house this year, so I probably won't get into that.

When were the celebrities on? Was that this last season?

The Big and Oz, too, man.

The celebrity...

I didn't watch that. I mean, this will probably be the first time I actually watch it properly,

and I probably won't watch it constantly like most people do.

Yeah, I'm into Survivor. Not this last one really pissed me off, but I'm totally done with Real World, first of all.

This last season sucked, and they lost my contract for another year.

Real World is out.

You probably, I don't know if you got Real World.

No, I'm into the 6 o'clock news.

I like that.

I do not like local news.

It sucks here in America.

I can get my news on the internet.

That's it.

Anyway, so, look, prank calls it is, man.

We got to do some prank calls here.

The people are going to arrest us.

Let's do that, yeah.

Man, the only thing I get my news from is Fox News, man.

Real news, buddy.

It's true, man.

Don't be force-fed or told what you need to think is news and what is right and wrong.

figure it out on your own that's right okay anyway we got tons of numbers we're gonna have some fun

tonight everybody uh what i do or what tito whatever his name is has sent in the number

for the crazy bitch chris remember her i think oh this is the oh yeah actually we had the number

for the boyfriend of the crazy bitch here wow the boyfriend bang bang all right maybe we'll call

that all right what else we got we got uh the oasis liquor bar uh i'm sorry the oasis liquor

These are from Lonesome Loser, by the way.

Lonesomeloser.com.

Lonesome Loser, the hardest working man in radio.

Night Crawler's Bar, Bootlegger's Bar and Grill.

We got a few Burger Kings in L.A.

We got Wendy's in L.A.

Bennigan's.

We got Papa John's Pizza, Pizza Hut.

Hollywood Thai Restaurant on Hollywood Boulevard in L.A.

That might be interesting, too.

We might have to try that out.

I don't know.

I guess that's about it.

it i mean yeah let's uh let's call us up a uh soybean chinese restaurant this one's in california

in la a chinese woman imagine that a chinese woman answered i wouldn't i didn't see that one

coming folks but nonetheless that's what happened you guys ready for some pranks man you're ready

to do this oh yeah perhaps uh jen perhaps you'll be joining us in later for some prank calls if

you want let me know i guess i'll call in the second half because i have that new phone downstairs

I'm about to go get it during the break, and then I'll come back and I'll call in.

All right, cool.

Hang on, everybody.

First prank of the night coming right up.

Have you seen the skinny little boy that chases the white ghost?

Hello, sir.

This is Colin from the restaurant.

Can I help you?

Hey, what's up?

Pardon?

Hey, what's up?

Uh, pardon?

What's up?

What's up, lady?

Uh, you looking for the referee?

Yeah.

I said, what's up, man?

Oh, sorry.

Uh, is, uh, can I have your number, please?

I'm sorry.

Sorry, 888-278-8509, extension 69.

Is it 888-278-8509?

Yes, my dear, extension 69. That's my office.

One second.

Okay.

Is it extension 629?

Yeah, no, no, extension 69.

69?

69.

69?

Yes.

Uh-huh.

Okay, that's my extension.

Can I have your name, please?

Okay, Jack Valenti.

I just had a stroke.

Jack?

Valenti.

First name is okay.

Okay, Jack.

Can I have your address, please?

You know, what is the particulars for?

I mean, you know, what's the big deal with that?

Delivery or pickup, sir?

I'm going to pick up.

I don't need mail.

Oh, sorry.

I thought you said you want delivery.

You need my social security number?

I mean, Jesus, man.

No, sorry, sir.

I don't fill out a W-2.

You want my W-2?

I'm sorry, sir.

Okay, that's okay.

All right, are you ready?

uh yes okay so soybeans right uh yeah so i'll be restaurant okay yeah i need some i need some

soybean uh soybean soup yeah you're ordering not sorry sir we don't have soybean soup what do you

have with soybeans like you know i'm vegetarian are you vegetarian yes i'm doing the i'm doing

the cleansing uh we have a whole bunch of vegetarian soup like i mean um dishes okay

You want soup or dishes?

Well, what is your vegetarian dish like with rice?

We have like a mushy vegetables, like stir-fry with mixed vegetables.

Okay.

And the black mussel with bok choy.

Are you a vegetarian too?

I mean, do you know what you would recommend for a vegetarian?

What would you recommend for a vegetarian?

Like, what kind of food would you like?

Like, you like spicy?

Yeah.

No, yeah, I can't have spicy.

See, I just, I started doing this cleansing thing.

And I'm supposed to eat vegetarian only and then take these pills to clean me out.

But they gave me very bad gas and, like, the shits.

Like, really, really bad.

So I'm trying to get something that's not going to irritate the old, you know, the old starfish, you know?

Would you like to try the Chinese eggplant with garlic salt?

Oh, gee, hang on, hang on.

Okay.

What's the first one?

The Chinese eggplant with garlic salt.

God damn, it stopped up the toilet.

Pardon?

This thing is stopped up.

The toilet is all stopped up.

It's not flushing.

You mean like Kung Fu?

Yeah, let me get that, the Kung Fu.

Yeah, let's just do that.

One order of that.

Kung Fu Tofu?

Yeah, that's fine.

Whatever, yeah.

Kung Fu Tofu.

Ying Fu Do Do.

Anything else?

Ku Ku Lu Lu.

Huh?

Pardon?

Shu Ku Lu.

You mean the Mushu Vegetables?

Yeah.

And another Mushu Vegetables?

And yeah, the Shadow Lu.

Mushu Vegetables and one Kung Fu Tofu?

Yeah.

Anything else, sir?

Yeah, do you have a plunger?

Pardon?

Do you have a plunger?

A plunger?

Uh, no.

Sorry, sir.

I've got two toilets here at the same time.

Both of them.

I stopped both of the fuckers up.

Both of them.

Right up to the brim.

I got water almost up to my knees in the bathroom right now.

You hear this?

Excuse me.

Sir, can I help you?

Yes, I'm trying to...

I made an order.

I was explaining that I have a...

I've got a pretty...

I've been doing this power cleanse.

Yeah, I know.

Well, I did this power cleanse and I'm supposed to eat tofu,

food but i stopped the toilet up the toilet is stopped up the toilet a toilet is no flushy man

you know you know when you go cocky what toilet this is the red one this is the toilet this is

a chinese toilet repair this is huh this is a chinese toilet repair i looked on the toilet

that said made in china and the first number i found about china was his chinese the toilet

The toilets is made in China.

Yes, the toilets is made in China.

Do you understand?

Do you hear the toilet?

I said the toilet is made in fucking China.

Oh, you fuck yourself, okay?

Please enter your destination number now.

Hey, you fuck yourself, okay?

I'll fuck myself.

That was kind of fun.

Thank you.

Oh, jeez.

That was childish, wasn't it?

but that was fun.

I enjoyed that.

I got three people on that one.

I got two women in.

I think they enjoyed it better.

I got the China guy at the end, man.

That's great.

Awesome work, everybody.

So, uh, good.

Any thoughts on that, Jin?

Any way I could have improved that?

Hey, you know, it's always good

when they get multiple parties there on the phone.

You know, I wish we had a spoof telephone card,

you know, so I could spoof the number

and make this crazy bitch think it's her boyfriend

giving her a call

and actually do the prank.

You know what I mean?

You know? I wish I had a spooftail card, but I don't have a spooftail card.

That would have been awesome.

Damn it, damn it.

I don't have a spooftail card. They don't have those here.

Ah, okay.

But when we unveil the new plan, the new map, we will have it.

Sorry, Milkman, I didn't want to interrupt that.

No, Milkman's interrupted.

What's going on, Milkman?

They don't have them there in the Virgin Islands?

I've got a big delay.

Yeah, that's true. We're all delayed here.

Okay, the next prank call's coming right up here.

It is going to be...

That satellite leaked out.

Yeah, they're out of touch right now.

We're going to call the P&G Fish Market in Long Beach, California, the LBC,

on a mission trying to find Mr. Warren G.

We'll be right back with the next prank call of the night.

As I said, just one more, please, folks.

P&G, may I help you?

Hey, what's up? I was about to hang up. Isn't that crazy?

Could you speak a little louder, sir?

I said, yo, I was about to hang up, man.

Somebody hung up?

I was about to hang up. It was taking so long, man.

I'm sorry.

I had my finger on it and everything, man.

What would you like, sir?

Yeah, you know, give me, you guys got no fish and chips, man?

Could you speak a little louder?

You got fish and chips, motherfucker!

What?

You got fish and chips there!

Who are you trying to call?

The fish, man, the fish market.

Okay, you do have the fish market.

Yeah, well, I'm trying to...

Breaking up.

I need some fish and chips.

Okay, what would you like, sir?

Fish and chips.

Okay.

What kind of fish would you like?

What do you got?

You got any snapper?

Yes.

What do you recommend this time of year over there?

You got some oysters?

We have dinner specials or lunch specials, whatever you would like.

30 days, half September, June, July, and November.

Would you like a combination plate?

Sure, yeah.

I mean, can I get pick up or do I have to sit down?

You know how much I weigh?

A lot.

No, I don't.

I weigh a lot. I weigh a lot. So, do you guys do takeout?

Do we have takeout? Yeah.

Okay, well, write down my order. Fish and chips.

Hold on a second.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Hello, I don't know what happened. I'm trying to make an order.

You're trying to place an order?

Yes, I am. He's arguing with me that I don't speak and he don't understand me. I don't understand, man.

What happened?

Okay, what would you like to order?

I'd like to order the fried cauliflower with the onion and the 17.

I'm sorry, you're going to have to repeat that. What was that?

The number 2 pencil right here, sir.

The number two pencil?

I have it in my hand.

Okay.

You want to take my order?

Sure.

All right.

Shove it in my ass?

I mean, you know, whatever you want to do with it.

Well, how much?

That's entirely up to you.

How much are your spaces over there?

I got my pencil, number two pencil.

How much is for your spaces for an hour, man?

We don't charge space for the hour.

No, spaces.

How many spaces you have, man?

How many spaces?

Yeah, that's what I call women.

Huh?

I call women spaces.

Oh, you call spaces.

And I fill in the spaces, man.

Oh, you fill in the spaces.

I dot the I, man.

You got the I?

I dot the I, man.

Oh, you dot the I.

And I cross the T's, baby.

And you cross the T's and you fill in spaces.

I cross on the up screw and I dot on the back screw.

All right.

Hey, did you want to order some fish or?

Yeah, I want some, like, what's good, man?

What's good?

Oyster, man?

Oh, no, we don't sell raw food.

Well, no, but I mean.

Everything's cooked here.

I want some fish and cheese, man.

Some fish and cheese?

Gee.

Oh, okay.

Up on the down stroke, man.

Huh?

Up on the down stroke.

Up on the what stroke?

The down stroke, man.

On the down stroke?

Up on the down stroke.

I ain't got no down stroke or up stroke.

I'm sorry, homie.

How do you stroke it, man?

I don't.

Do you go from the left to the right, man?

Nah.

How you stabbing your...

I don't have to let you go, though.

How you stab your old lady like an old fish?

I don't have an old lady.

Your hands smell like fish, don't they?

All day.

Yeah, man.

Me too, baby.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

All right.

You like it?

Your fingers smell like fish, man.

I love it, man.

Can I smell your fingers?

I want to smell your...

What the hell?

I think he put me in a box.

Just put the phone in a box.

All right, we're going to hang up now.

Oh, boy.

What a fun show, man.

That was pretty funny.

No, it wasn't.

I don't need any mercy.

I don't need your mercy support.

That was pretty good.

Yeah.

We got on the webpage over at madhouselive.com,

Ossie Lowe.

Ossie Lowe reports,

Hey guys, just wanted to know more info on that bush stuff and possibly a link.

So, Milkman, if you have that, get me a link real quick to give to this gentleman.

I would appreciate it.

We're on it, man.

Don't worry.

We are on it.

Don't worry.

We're right there with that.

Stand by.

Alright, the next prank call of the night.

That was an okay prank call.

But anyway, fish and cheeps, everybody.

Fish and cheeps, man.

Come on, fish and cheeps.

we're gonna call oh i remember now hi poppy i remember something that's funny i need a costco

man i need a costco and i'll tell you why there there's a there's an article i don't know what it

is costco is uh huge it's like uh uh what would you say they're like a where not a warehouse but

what they're a wholesale vendor you know i mean they're like a store okay they're a fucking store

or you need to have a club membership, anyway.

They were selling this punching bag,

and the punching bags were filled with dirty underwear from China.

No kidding.

Like, there's pictures online of an open one with dirty underwear inside of it.

And they recalled, like, they had to recall the punching bags.

So I was interested in calling Costco as the disgusting man

who wants to buy any of the old panties

to sniff them.

So if anybody out there can provide me

with a phone number for a...

That's a good way to make money, you know.

Somebody's probably going to buy them.

If you can find me a...

I've got size 52s in my punching bag.

Yeah.

Anyway, if you can find me a number

for an open Costco that's open,

at least call and make sure

they're still answering the phone.

If you could do me that favor,

send that to me.

52 inches of lust, right, Carly?

Right.

Yeah, 50 by 50.

I wish we could have more phones

sex with that girl.

That was awesome.

I want to hear that now.

Hang on.

I haven't heard that.

Let's see.

What was that called?

Phone sex?

That was a classic, man.

I don't remember what it was called.

Maybe it's this one here.

No, it's not that one.

I couldn't tell you.

I don't remember what that prank call was entitled, actually.

Hmm.

No.

It was a classic, though.

Yeah, anyway.

Was it dominatrix?

Yeah, here we go.

Carlito and the dominatrix.

I found it.

Hang on.

Hey, Carlito.

Press 1 for a hot girl.

Press 2 for a skilled dominatrix.

Press 3 for a beautiful T.S. with a special surprise.

Skilled dominatrix.

Or a boring TV who knows what you want.

We'll call the dominatrix, then we're going to call the transvestite.

Hang on.

Hello?

Hey, how are you doing?

Good, how are you?

Good, who's this?

Uh, can you stick up a little bit?

I'm sorry, woman.

Good, who's this?

It's Ashley.

Ashley, what's going on?

I'm not wearing anything.

What the fuck are you wearing?

I'm sorry?

What the fuck are you wearing?

I'm not wearing much of anything, really.

Where are you?

Are you in a cubicle or are you inside your house?

I'm inside a cubicle.

You're in a cubicle?

Well, fuck, can you get naked in your cubicle?

How are we going to do this shit, man?

What's the matter?

Are you a dominatrix for real?

I can be.

Are you going to try to push me around?

You think you're going to get away with it?

Is that what you want?

I want you to get on your fucking knees right now.

That's not really being a dominatrix.

So what? That's how you do it. I'm in charge. You're the dominatrix. Get on your fucking knees, I said.

That's not how a dominatrix...

Yes, it is. I have it right here in the book. Get on your fucking knees, you cunt.

You don't have to talk to me like that.

I can talk however I want. You're my dominatrix, bitch. Get the fuck on your knees.

If I'm a dominatrix you want, we'll get up in the...

Ma'am, I'm paying for this.

What kind of books do you have?

I pay your taxes, you know that?

What kind of books do you have?

It says right here, the Kama Sutra.

You pay my taxes?

Yes, I do. I pay your salary and your taxes.

You don't pay my taxes.

Fuck you, bitch. You fucking dominatrix. Get on your knees and suck it.

You're hilarious, you know that?

Oh, I'm hilarious, huh? Do I make you laugh with my pathetically small penis?

Oh, God. Is that what your problem is?

Yeah, shut up. Go outside. Go outside. Hang up the phone. I command you.

You have, like, a little sock?

I command you...

Shut the fuck up.

I command you to hang up the phone.

You've got a cock, don't you?

No, I don't.

It's four.

Oh, wow.

What a deal.

I have a 46-inch waist size.

That's really something to be proud of.

My waist size is 46 inches, too, baby.

You want it?

No.

You want my 46 inches of gut?

I don't think so.

I got 46 inches of lust right here, baby.

Listen, listen.

You know what?

You must really be able to see that little four-inch cock well with your big-ass...

I have a floor-length mirror, okay?

You're a fucking dominatrix whore.

I'm done with you.

I'm done.

I got off.

Shut up.

Shut up!

Shut up, Mom!

Eh, shut up.

All right, here's Jonathan Jones, everybody.

I just gave out Jonathan's real last name.

That, what?

What did I say?

Nothing.

Yes, sir.

Yo, what's up, Carlito?

Jonathan!

You're on the air.

What you up to, boy?

I'm just here.

Boy!

Whoa.

I heard that hate right there.

Boy!

That's something right there, man.

You don't always call people boy like that.

What's wrong with you?

I'm messing.

How you doing?

I'm doing good.

You asked me first.

I'm doing good, Jonathan.

How are you?

I'm doing all right.

Just chilling out.

Enjoying my week off.

Going out of town this coming week.

Okay.

Where are you headed to?

I'm going to Panama City.

God, you go out, like, all the time.

Yeah, I always need to get away from Okaloosa County.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm thinking about having a get-together here for my birthday for my show in June.

Yeah, maybe I'll invite you.

I'm going to invite the people who are close to here, like Gane Green and you and some other people.

Maybe we'll get Andy back down here for a night or something.

I don't know.

We'll see what happens.

Because I'm going to have a...

Oh, Milkman, I bought a foam patch, man, on eBay for $9.99.

Yeah, man, cool.

Yeah, I got a foam patch.

Is it iron-on?

I don't know.

I'll talk to you about it in a second.

Anyway, Jonathan, man, so what do you think about that last prank call we did?

Actually, the Chinese one I think is the best one so far.

Yeah.

I really enjoyed that one.

Are you making those fart noises, the fake fart noises?

No, those were on my soundboard.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, don't worry.

That wasn't anything.

Yeah, that's all gross tape.

That right there?

Yeah, I hear it.

Yeah?

All that right there?

Yeah.

Okay, you get the idea.

All right, man, say what's up to your friends real quick, man.

I would just like to say hello to all my friends and listeners.

and I hope you have a great Memorial Day weekend.

All right.

Thank you, Jonathan.

All right, we'll talk with y'all later.

Yeah.

Jonathan, everybody, Jonathan.

All right, do we have a Costco yet, anybody?

Yes, we have two Costcos in Hawaii.

Hawaii, everybody, how fucking why?

Wow.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

What happened with the phone patch here?

Did you can patch us into the cords from TeamSpeak?

Yeah, I think so.

I think I'll be able to do that.

at Milkman. I sent you a link to

check it out. It looks like old ham radio

stuff. I don't know if it's going to work or not, but

it's a phone patch. No, it should work, man.

I'm getting a...

I got a schematic to build one, too,

man. Yeah, I'm getting

a...

I'm getting a little

mini mixing board, too, here for my

birthday. So June 20th is going to be a big show.

We're going to have a big step up

in quality here. I'm going to have a

new headset for me and

a quality mic and

And a soundboard and a phone patch.

Come on, man.

Dominating, everybody.

The dominant force in prank calls.

I am the dominant force in prank calls.

I don't know what it is, man.

I got the force.

Well, dude, hopefully it's a cell phone.

Yeah, we'll...

The iron ones can fall off.

Okay, thanks, man.

Hey, Costco, everybody.

Costco.

We're going to call Costco in Hawaii.

One moment.

And we will hear that now.

One moment, please.

Hello, Costco.

This is Jennifer.

How can I help you?

Hey, Jennifer.

Jennifer, how are you doing?

Good, how are you?

I'm pretty good.

I have a question about a recall.

Okay.

I bought a punching bag.

Uh-huh.

And I understand there's a recall.

Could you explain that to me, please?

Oh, I haven't heard about that.

Let me get someone who has.

Hold on one second.

Thank you, baby.

Let's go cash card.

Next time you're in the...

All right, fine.

We'll call a different Costco then.

Why are we waiting so long?

We got more of them.

Hang on, folks.

We'll come back with that.

Off of that tape of rap country or deep house.

Whitehead Costco, Roland speaking. How may I help you?

Hey, man. How you doing?

Hello?

Yes.

Is this Costco's?

Yes, Whitehead Costco.

I have a question regarding a recall on something I purchased.

Okay.

I need information on the punching bag that I bought that has a recall.

I'm sorry. It was a punching bag?

I bought a punching bag there, and there's a recall on it, and I need some more information, please.

Okay. I'll let you talk to the manager. One moment, please.

How long will it be, you think?

I'll call him on the radio.

All right.

Thank you.

Ken, you online, Ken?

Ken.

Ken here.

Can you get a call on 101, please?

Urgent.

Tell him it's Jack Valenti.

Hey, man.

You did that pretty well.

Thanks.

Oh, he's a nice guy.

You see that?

We're a membership warehouse club with more than 430 locations worldwide.

We provide our members with a wide selection of merchandise.

Got the URL.

That web page there about Bush, right?

Yep.

I sent it along.

Yep.

designed to make your shopping experience a great one.

Hello, Ken speaking.

Ken, how you doing, sir?

Hi.

Look, I have a question about this punching bag that I purchased that has a recall.

A punching bag?

Yes, I purchased a punching bag there at your Costco store,

and I understand that it has a recall, sir, and I would like some more information.

I bought it in June of 2005.

Okay, I wasn't aware of any punching bag on recall.

Yes, sir, absolutely.

Absolutely. I have it here, and I was told to call my local Costco for more information.

Oh, okay. Sorry, I don't have any information on that right now.

If I can get your name and number, I can try to give you a call back.

No, I really need this.

You know what it is, that one of your punching bags there has dirty underwear inside of it.

And I'm not kidding you, sir.

I wasn't aware of that.

Do you have the TKO Sports Heavy punching bag with speed bag combination?

We don't have that currently.

You bought it in 2005?

Yes.

Okay.

No, we don't have it now.

Well, I'm not kidding you, sir.

It's full of dirty underwear.

Okay.

If you want to return it, you can bring it back to the warehouse.

Well, do you have any more of them in is what I'm asking you?

No, we don't.

We don't carry that product no more.

Because I busted the thing about two months ago, and all this dirty underwear was inside of it, and there's pubic hairs and everything or something.

Oh, sorry about that.

No, no.

It's cool.

Cool. I don't lie. That's why I'm asking if you have any more.

No, we don't carry that product no more.

You ever make some dirty underwear suit?

No, no.

You take some dirty underwear, you take some salt, you put it in some water, you boil it for an hour, you drink it, man.

All right.

I don't know. I like to sniff the... I got a underwear right now, right here.

Okay, thank you.

Enter your destination number now.

Childish.

You're getting a head rush right now, baby.

That's quite disgusting, but you know.

I'm so excited.

Oops.

Anyway, I posted the article.

Ella confirms it in the chat room.

She is looking at the recall now on the website.

Yeah, I just posted it there for everybody.

Yeah, it is the TKO Sports Heavy Punching Bag with Speed Bag combination.

And it was manufactured in Houston, Texas, which is kind of weird.

But apparently they've been stuffing it with used underwear.

They've stuffed it with used underwear, man.

Man, that is vile and nasty.

I'd be pissed off.

Dirty underwear suit.

So Texas.

Yes.

Put your freaking 55-gallon ass ass on it.

Well, that's pretty good because actually, technically, you're beating the shit out of like 20 or 30 people.

Yeah.

That's kind of fucked up, right?

And you're punching them in the...

Maybe that's the idea.

And you're punching them...

I don't want you to beat the shit out of somebody.

So they stuff their underwear in there.

So yeah, there you go.

You're punching them in the most sensitive of places, too, you know?

So, God.

You're hitting two birds with one stone there.

Pretty good.

Yeah, right in the cooter.

Anyway, we're going to play this prank call that we were mentioning earlier.

Some of those had some refried bean stains in them,

and some of them had curry, too, from the Chinese plants there.

Hey, Jim, can you send me, in the secret conference room,

can you send me that number for that Dunkin' Donuts you were talking about earlier?

If you could, please.

The one that I sent you, because I've only got two numbers,

and I don't know which one it is, but I can give you the both numbers that I've got.

All right, here it is real quick for everybody.

Hello, how are you?

Good.

My friend, I need to know if you have, how many glazed donuts might you have right now, my son?

How many we have now, glazed donuts?

Yes, Eddie.

How many you want?

As many as you have on hand right now, make us some ice cream.

I have a few.

We have seven dozen.

How many dozen donuts there, my friend?

Dozen donuts for $7.

Tell you what, I give you $52.

You buy $52?

$52, seven donuts.

Huh?

$52 for seven dozen donuts.

$7,000 for...

$52.

$52?

I give you $52.

You have $52, right?

Absolutely.

That's exactly what I have.

It's for charity.

Huh?

$7,000.

Okay, $5, $7,000?

Yeah.

$5, okay, I got you.

No, $5, $7,000.

You said $5.

No, $7,000 for $49.

You said $72.

Okay, bye.

Hey, who is this?

This is your mother.

I call police, okay?

I have your number.

Wait a second, dude.

You do that.

I'm not afraid.

Hold on.

I'm under control.

Who?

Marvin is on the phone.

Hello.

I call police, okay?

I have your number.

No, I am police.

My name is Detective Marvin.

My ass, okay.

Where is your ass?

I'm going to call the police.

It's always the bullies.

He's like, oh, my ass.

I forgot he was on the line.

Don't.

Can I help you?

My name is Detective Marvin. I am a private investigator for Al-Qaeda.

Yeah, right. Okay, I'm going to speak up.

Hello, sir. My name is Marvin, Detective Marvin.

I am a private investigator for Al-Qaeda International.

Hello, you son of a bitch.

Hello, yes.

Yeah, hello. Yeah, hi.

My name is Marvin. I am a private investigator for Al-Qaeda International.

What do you mean?

Yes.

Yes, and I'm investigating a serious crime that you have committed, sir.

Yes.

Yeah.

What are you putting in those donuts over there, you little bastard?

I know you were cheating from day one.

Yeah.

I saw you put that shit in the donuts, and then the donuts flew up inside my friend's belly.

Yeah, no problem.

And now I'm investigating.

What?

Yeah, no problem.

What do you mean, no problem?

What are you, stupid?

You need donut, no problem.

No, I don't want a donut, man.

I know what you're putting in that shit.

What do you need?

What do you mean, what do I need?

What are you, stupid?

Hey, answer the question, man.

What are you putting inside these donuts?

Donuts good.

Donuts real good.

Yeah, man, but you're fucking crazy.

What are you putting inside them?

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

God damn.

That guy said it in Mexican at the end.

He's like, yeah, god damn it, yeah.

That was funny.

Funny, funny expression.

Yeah, so that was half Carlito, half Jen.

Good work, Jen, on that.

Yeah, thank you, sir. That was all Marvin. It wasn't Jim.

That's right. That was all Marvin.

Okay. Now, we found that Dunkin' Donuts now.

Yeah, hi, Marvin.

Crazy-ass Marvin.

We're going to call the Dunkin' Donuts that we just heard that prank call.

That was referenced in that last prank call.

So, hang on for that.

Dunkin' Donuts, can I help you?

Hey, how you doing, man?

What?

Hey, man. When I was in there, you know, I left my debit card.

I don't know. Let me check.

Okay, man.

David Card.

I don't see him here.

Look, man.

Did you look in the bathroom?

I think I left in the bathroom.

Left where?

I left my David Card in the bathroom.

I don't see him here.

Are you in the bathroom?

Yeah, I checked already.

No, you didn't check the bathroom.

Go to the bathroom, man.

Hold on.

We're taking a break after this, everybody.

There's no credit card in the bathroom.

Were you in the bathroom?

Yep, I was in the bathroom.

Did you wash your hands?

Yes, I did.

You wash your hands when you come out?

Damn, that doesn't go nowhere.

you can read the sign man let me try let me try them again hang on everybody just one more

hello yeah hello sir hello hi sir my name is look listen sir yeah i am a vietnam veteran

myself and i was also in korea and and i was just in your store and i'm calling from my hello

hello hello i'm calling from my cell phone hello i'm calling from my cell phone sir

Okay.

And I was just there, and my wife said that the man went into the bathroom, and he didn't wash his hands.

My wife was in the men's room and saw a gentleman who works here counter, and he didn't wash his hands, and he came out of the bathroom.

Do you know which one?

I don't know.

Some Pakistani looking stuff like that.

Okay.

Who's in charge of it?

Who's the manager?

Terry.

How do you spell it?

T-E-R-R-I.

is he american no she's yes god damn it where's the american is that she's a lady how many non-americans

you have in there old son do what well you sound like you're from my area there boy uh where's that

you know from the good old times back in the 50s yes i am good god bless you sir

there's still 35 are you making the donuts at least i sure am all right so you didn't

Sir, you don't want to touch your penis and then wash your hands, huh?

Nope.

Did you use the bathroom today now?

Who, me?

Yes.

No, sir.

Nothing at all?

Nope.

Have you sneezed?

Nope.

Okay, did you wash your hands before you come into work?

And about 15 times when I get here.

Yes, that's good.

I appreciate that, son.

Yeah.

These Arabs, they don't wash their hands very well, you know?

They wipe their ass with their left hand.

Terry will be here in the morning.

Well, she's American.

Anytime after 6 o'clock.

Is she an American?

Yes.

Jesus Christ, you got a woman in charge over there with a skirt?

You see what the problem is?

In these days and age, you know, you have to take your orders from a woman.

It's just not fair, son.

She's a good girl.

Yeah, but, you know, we're men.

You know, back in our day, you know, we didn't have to take no orders from the skirts.

Yeah, well, they don't bother.

There used to be something called a grass ceiling back then.

And for those damn, they did roll bastards that got in.

You know, that Clintons and the Jimmy Carters and that bastard Ronald Reagan even.

Yeah.

That son of a bitch took my damn pension, that son of a bitch.

It's good that we have good veterans in the city.

That boy that got up there now, Bush.

Good man.

Good man, that Bush.

Hello, sir.

Who is that?

I'm not saying anything.

You found my debit card there all day.

Sir.

Yeah.

I'm trying to get to the bottom of my debit card and the man who didn't wash his hands.

Who do you think it was?

Out of all those pack of boys there, who do you think was the one?

Yeah.

Who didn't wash their hands?

You need to talk to Terry in the morning.

You don't have an idea what those motherfuckers, they didn't wash his hands.

Well, I can figure it out.

You tell me his name, son, and I'll meet him outside out there, and me and him have a good talk.

Okay.

Me and your boss were a double team, you know what I'm saying?

You know, those air boys, they don't get snipped.

You know what I mean?

You know what I'm saying?

If you catch my drift.

Right.

You don't get snipped down there, you know?

Yeah.

Good Christian man like you.

Are you snipped?

I was snipped.

Okay, I've got to...

Are you snipped?

Are you snipped down there, sir?

Huh?

Are you snipped down there, sir?

Who, me?

You got a snip?

Did they cut off the head of the old one-eyed snake down there?

No.

Oh, they didn't?

Well, that's disgusting, you know?

Good Christian man gets his whacker snipped.

Oh, really?

I got mine snipped at the age of 25, sir.

25 years old, I made a decision for my Jesus God and my president, LBJ, Lyndon B. Johnson,

and I sure as hell got circumcised by an Army doctor.

Okay.

And the Army paid for it.

Okay, I got to get on these donuts now.

I know.

That's what I'm saying.

We got to get you a snip there.

Nice talking to you.

You do some quicker stabbing.

I got to go.

I still see them.

Every night I close my eyes, I see those children I killed in Vietnam.

He's gone anyway.

We'll get into that story next time.

You see a giant pair of scissors coming out of the dark towards you.

I see Charlie.

Charlie!

Charlie Murphy!

All right.

Music.

All right, that was kind of fun.

We're at the one-hour mark here.

We're halfway through the show.

Oh, man, man.

I like that.

Who was that?

I don't know.

I don't know his name.

Charlie Patton.

Was it?

Oh, okay.

O-R-E-C-H-A-R-L-Y, huh?

It's Charlie Patton.

Charlie Patton. That's a hard voice

to do. That was good, man.

You did pretty good. Yeah.

Yeah. That's a new one on the fly.

Yeah, thank you. I'm glad you appreciated that.

We're going to take a break here right quick

for the time being.

Don't forget to apply that call I sent you during the break.

I'm going to get the other phone, then I'll call in after the break.

For sure, yeah. That's playing on the break right here, man.

Don't worry about that. We'll be right back

in a moment. If you want to reach us,

be sure to go to madhouselive.com,

pcuradio.com, and

talkshoe.com. That's where we's at.

First hour of the show is up.

The second half of the show coming at you here in just a moment.

Do not go anywhere.

More excitement.

Jen Stewart doing some pranks hopefully after this.

Be tuned for that.

You're going to like it.

I promise you.

Come on up.

JenStewart.com.

Two dogs on late.

Not looking extra for the day I die.

House Radio will be back right after this.

Don't tell me 40,000 people are coming here.

They're not here.

Right now I'm on that show.

I hope you're on that show also.

Nigga, that's right.

You know what I mean?

Get back on the tape.

want to marry want to marinate that widow

what's up everybody man how's it going i have some potato chips today milkman first time in a

long time i had potato chips wow cool that's very good for chippy chips taste good chippy

chips taste good oh yeah right on man so yeah we're here we are we're gonna do some more prank

Prank calls real quick.

Jen, now's the time.

Yes, sir.

Jen's on it.

Jen is on it.

Jen calling in a second here.

We're going to do some rapid fire style prank calls as we usually do with Jen here.

Retraded off, back and forth, up on the upstroke, down on the downstroke, all that mess.

Beat up for the downstroke.

You have to play some George Clinton here in a little bit.

That's a good song.

Yeah, I don't have that song, though.

I'm a grown ass man.

Oh, man, I thought I sent you all the good stuff.

Nope.

Nope, I should be ringing in a second.

Hang on, let's pick up Jen over here.

Hey, Jen, what's up, man?

How do you do?

Am I coming through all right this time?

I'm not too quiet.

No, it's perfect, actually.

Are you sure?

Because I can't, yeah, I can't hear you.

No, no, you're hitting the levels, yeah, at my decibels.

Yeah, I just heard it on the TV.

Sounds good, sounds good.

Very good, Evan.

Very good it is.

All right, so we've got numbers here.

Oh, you know what they are.

You tell me what you want to call them.

Yeah, but I'm sitting around again.

I shouldn't be doing that.

Now, hold on.

Let me look at these numbers.

You tell me which one to call, and I will call.

Okay, we have some private numbers. I want to call some private numbers. Let me just see, uh...

We got Dick Penis.

Yeah, what do we get? Yeah, let's call Dick Penis.

Dick G. Penas. You want to call that one?

Yeah, that's good. Let's call Penas.

I don't know. Hang on, let's just call...

Maybe we can get him to do some crazy shit.

Yeah, all right. Here comes the Mr. Penas.

Hello!

Oh, they're fucking with the phone, these bastards are.

Wasting our time.

Ah, sons of bitches.

Okay, all right. Let's, um...

Do you want to try another one?

Yeah, you want to try the one underneath that one?

Underneath or above because we've still got Bambino.

Alright, let's do the Bambino then. Alright, you got it.

What is that name? Announce it real quick. I'm not looking at it.

Nino Bambino.

That's the one. Alright, hang on. We'll do that now.

Please try your call again with caller ID enabled.

Oh, Chris is great. Wonderful.

Oh, good to have him.

Here he is. I'm here, yeah.

Didn't work. They got privacy director.

What for?

Hello?

Yes.

Who's this?

This is Jen.

Oh, Jen. You scared me. I thought you were someone else for a second.

Okay, Bambino's not going to work, so we're going to have to try Eddie Yo.

Yo, okay, I'm happy.

Yo, we're calling Eddie Yo.

All right, hang on.

Hello?

Yo, yo, how are you doing, yo?

Just wondering if you would need of my services, sir.

I understand you.

Yes, I said, are you in need of my services, sir?

You see, I clean the house and shit.

Yo, yo, on the throw.

Why not, sir?

I'm a very good house cleaner, sir.

I'll clean up after you as long as you give me a good banking every five...

What?

Wait, wait, don't call here.

I will call the police for you, sir.

Hello?

I'm rude to that person, man.

Yeah, very rude.

I would do the same to you if I...

Goodness, Jesus.

Goodness, gracious me.

All right.

Another call?

Yeah, please.

Yeah, I want to do a good private number.

I've got some good ideas.

Dave who?

Coming right at you now.

Dave who?

I don't know.

Hello?

Hello there, my dear.

Yeah, um, I'm just calling around just to see a, you know, doing a general experiment here.

I was just wondering if I could get you to take your thumb and forefinger,

shove them into your left nostril, and then blow.

Hello?

What?

I'd like you, I'm conducting an experiment.

I'm just calling around, my dear.

I just want you to get your thumb and your forefinger.

Yeah, no, don't call back.

I'm sorry?

Don't call back.

Why is that, my dear?

Because it is a very decent experiment.

It actually allows you to fly.

You can levitate off the floor.

Watch this.

See, I'm levitating. I want you to try it.

Hello?

This is Jim Stewart, and I basically, what I'm doing is I'm calling around

just conducting this experiment where I allow people to take their thumb

and their fourth finger and their index finger if they can manage it

and then just, you know, stick it into the nostril, into the left nostril,

because if you stick it into the right one, you will do the opposite of levitation.

You will actually fly into the ground and die,

and then you will probably re-erect and...

Hello?

She's gone.

I did it, I got it.

That was good.

Okay, next on deck here, we're going to call Uday Kumar a hate.

You see that one up there?

Yeah, yeah, I see that.

Here we go.

Jin, you take this one first, and I'll follow up.

Okay, all right, fine, I'll try.

They might hang up.

Hello, dear ma'am, what's your name?

Hello? Hello? I'm Marvin the phone monster.

Hello? Oh, ma'am, you didn't hang up, did you?

You didn't have to.

Okay, I'll call her back. Hang on.

Yeah, please.

Let's see if she picks up.

Call the department, born hacker.

This one.

Okay, sir. Involve me if you can. Marvin.

Hmm?

Involve Marvin if you can.

Absolutely.

ma'am. My name is Jack Valenti and I'm calling with the Alien Task Force.

Did you just get an odd phone call?

Madam?

Madam!

This is imperative that you cooperate. Please.

Oh, no! Marvin the Martian! No! No! Marvin the Martian!

Oh, no!

Please enter your destination.

all right she's not we're gonna call Greg death everybody Greg death I'll

start this one off do it do it do it okay I never mind we're gonna have to

hang up and call Harry wacko next instead Harry wacko everybody oh Dave

Dave who what that's kind of scary destination number we're an answering

All right, Harry Wacko everybody, Harry Wacko.

29 minutes 54 seconds.

Before deduction of applicable fees and charges as listed on the back of your card and poster.

All right, I'll try to start this one again.

Okay, go.

Thank you, sir.

And then you get Stephanie Lamp afterwards.

Uh-huh.

Hello?

Hello, how you doing? This is Steve Bozell. I'm calling from the alien task force.

Um, have you seen anything suspicious here lately?

Any area, anything like a green glow or anything like that?

Did you happen to observe the, uh, stellar phenomena that occurred last night?

Okay, no, can you speak up for me, my dear, just a little bit?

Hello.

That was a hang-up.

Damn it, man, you were supposed to jump in also.

Oh, well, we screwed that one up.

All right, Stephanie Lamp next.

I have a good idea, though.

If we, if you can do an old man, I can do an old man.

We can call up from the old site.

Please enter your destination number now.

Okay, here's Stephanie Lamp.

We'll, all right, you take this one.

Did you hear what I said?

Yes, yes, I did, yes, I did.

All right, okay.

His old man is his old redneck Pete Carleta.

You have 3 hours, 28 minutes, 28 seconds.

You start.

For deduction of applicable fees and charges as listed on the back of your card and poster.

It's on Australia time.

I'm starting.

Yes.

Hello, what's your name, dear?

Hello, hello.

Yes, sir?

What's your name, please?

I need your help.

I need you to come down to the old folks' home before Carlito finds me with a stick.

Oh, no, that's Carlito.

He's coming.

Take your finger out of my ass.

Please stop, Carlito.

I don't want to hear it.

No, Carlito.

No.

Carlito, stop it.

Oh, listen to my faceplate.

Madam, please help me.

Can you help me?

Oh, Tannenbaum.

Hello.

Hello, please.

Ow, ow.

Hello.

Tannenbaum.

Oh, Carlito, please stop.

Hello.

I need your help. The caller is still there. Hello. Hello. Oh, please help me, ma'am. I'm afraid of Carlito. He's beating me with his stick. No, no, stop Carlito. He's beating me up with his stick, ma'am. Please help me. Oh, he's coming over here. Stop Carlito. I'm stuck here in this hole. Look at this. Look at this. He's getting out his wiener. What are you doing? What are you doing with your wiener? Look at this. Look at this.

Ah! No! He's peeing on me! Stop!

Take it in your hands!

No!

I'm being peed on! No!

Is this the police? Uh-oh.

You're being transferred to the Australian Police.

I'm being hit on by Carlito!

I'm gonna hit you with my traffic car!

No, don't hit me! I don't want you to hit me!

I'm gonna hit you with my car, and you're shitting up my face!

Look who's on the phone!

He's caught someone! He's peeing on me!

No!

He's peeing on me! Help me!

I'm in the old folks home. We're being mistreated. They're all mistreated over here. They're peeing on everyone. They're putting them in the hole

Oh yeah

Why are you peeing on me?

Don't pee on me

Look at that goody shower

I want to drink your pee

Just call 911

Tell them to go to the old folks home

Hey listen

Listen boy

I want a pizza. I want a pizza so that he can pee on the pizza.

Hey, shut up.

Hello.

I'm going to drink your pee.

Oh.

Don't pee on me, Carly.

Help me.

No.

Oh, you disgust me.

Pee on me.

Oh, God, yes.

I don't know what...

I'm in this hole. He's peeing on me.

I'm listening.

What's that about?

I think he's drunk.

Hello.

Please help me.

I'm at the old folks' home.

I'm drunk.

Send a pizza van and lots of pizza.

and then I think you'll be happy.

I think I owe for those on your end.

Oh, no.

What's the old folks home?

Yes.

The old folks home.

Yes, send them.

Send the pizza guy to the old folks home

because he's peeing on me here.

I'm in the hole.

You know why I kick your ass in World War II, you bastards?

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

Please don't pee on me again, Carlito.

What are you doing now?

Madam, please help me.

He's getting a sheep.

He's throwing the sheep in.

Oh, no.

He's throwing the sheep in.

What the hell are you doing?

Come here.

I'm going to see if you can hear what the hell is going on.

The sheep is dead.

No.

I want to...

I've ripped the head off of the sheep,

and I'm bathing in his blood.

Oh, yes.

Goodbye, horses.

says. Yeah. I was here in World War II in the American Samoa and I killed a bunch of

you. You damn Japanese, I killed a bunch of you here. Where is my Jesus? I can still see

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. My brothers. There's sharks. There's sharks in the water.

Gay Hitler. Gay Hitler. Gay Hitler.

What's your name? Hello. Are you a happy lady?

Yes. You're good. You're happy. Why don't you do something?

Take the smile and put it in your eyes and then you'll have a happy ass.

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. Take a special dialing wand.

You smash the keypad with your palm.

I want you to smile for me and say I'm a Martian.

I'm a Martian.

I like Disneyland.

You want?

I want to kick your ass.

What the hell do you want?

You called me.

Call me.

No, you called me.

Don't give me that bullshit.

I'm going to come over there and you're going to be in big trouble.

Come here.

Talk to my friend.

What does it take to get a damn combo number one on this phone?

Hold on a second there, Carly.

Tell who is this?

Tell.

Who is this?

Yes, I demand to know.

What's your name, dear?

What's your name?

Give me your name.

What is this buffoonery on the phone?

Um...

Who's joking around on the phone?

What's your credit card number?

Who is this joking around on the phone so much, woman?

Huh?

No.

Um, excuse me.

Your friend called and he said to call the police.

He needs help.

No, no.

He said to order a pizza.

Don't worry about him.

He's taking care of it.

Why are you encouraging him?

I'm taking care of him right now.

That's it.

Slow and easy there, Jim.

Nice and easy.

That's right.

No, no pizza, please.

Thank your good boy.

Jesus, Jim.

Jim.

Yes?

This woman, why are you encouraging my son to make these kind of accusations?

You were joking around.

Who is this?

Who is who?

This woman who called the house.

I don't know.

Who is this woman?

Woman, who are you?

Identify yourself.

Hello.

Who is this?

Hello.

What the hell is your name?

It's taking me 20 minutes to ask you this question.

I already told you my name, but what the hell that person called the house first?

This is...

What the hell?

No, shut up.

Listen, what's your name?

This is...

Madam, this is Constable Lewis from Navajo Order.

What the hell did your mother do to you?

Are you crazy?

No, you're crazy.

You're not crazy.

I think you are.

The little bit crazy.

Can you do me a favor?

Take your longest finger, put it in your anus, and wiggle it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

No, you do it for me, okay?

Yes, of course.

I would love to.

Where are you staying at the moment?

No, but why did you call us first?

What do you mean I called you?

Shut up and listen.

I'm going to come over there and wiggle my finger in your anus.

Okay, come.

Could I eat you, madam?

Huh?

Could I eat you?

Thank you, my aunt.

I want, I don't want, I don't want to keep driving, but I want to eat you, my dear.

I ate my pussy, okay?

What the fuck?

Ooh.

Hey, there we go.

Yeah, ladies.

What's up, ladies?

Hello.

Hey, ladies.

How is everyone of you now?

This is good.

Oh, yeah.

I like it.

My chances have just gone up, ladies.

Eat my pussy.

My pussy.

Yeah, okay, fuck it.

Oh, the ladies are gone.

Well, that is a shame.

I think I spoke to about four different people last night.

We kept talking over each other.

Where was I going, anyway?

I have no idea, but I was kind of weird, because they were pretty freaked out, I would imagine.

Yeah, they were kind of freaked out at first.

At least they offered up the pussy in the end, you know?

Did we talk 911?

Who is this?

Hey?

They offered up the pussy at the end.

Anyway, um, you want to call...

Let's see what else we have here.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Here we go.

We got the, uh, we got an N.

It's called the Apiola Faga N.

Uh, that.

I don't know.

Is that you beeping, or is that me?

Hang on.

No, I'm not beeping at all.

That must be you, because I'm not hearing nothing.

I hear you stuttering.

Hold on a second.

Jesus.

Was that you beeping?

Nope.

Mine beeped shit.

Oh, well, you heard the beeping?

Nope.

Oh, that's good.

You're high, man.

Okay, anyway.

No, no, my phone just beeped like crazy.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, you're going to rehab.

That's what it is.

I don't know what's going on, man.

I can't even speak right now.

Uh-oh.

Okay, we're going to call at the, uh, do you want to call the inn or the hotel?

What about Anthony Locke?

Because I like Anthony.

Oh, that's right.

I didn't see that one there.

Okay, Anthony Locke, everybody.

I'm not going to call him Anthony because that's a great name.

Anthony.

Anthony. Okay, cool. Good luck with that.

That's very cool, Anthony.

Yeah, we're coming right back with that, everybody. Stand by.

Hello?

Hi there. Can I talk to Anthony?

Wait a second, wait a second. What's your name?

Hello?

Hello. Hi there, man. What's your name?

Yeah, what do you want?

I want to talk to Anthony. I'm a good friend, and we spent a...

Who are you? What are you doing at his house?

I don't know quite what you're doing there.

Anthony what?

I know. What are you doing with my boyfriend, Anthony? Do I have to come over there and slap you? No.

What are you talking about?

What do you mean, what am I talking about? What are you talking about, huh? You're getting hostile with me. Why are you doing that, huh?

Hey, why don't you get Anthony, okay? Otherwise, I'm going to get upset, and you don't want me to get upset, okay? Because I'm going to jump up and down, okay?

What's your Anthony?

I want to talk to Anthony. What's your name?

What's your Anthony? What's the person's name?

I demand to know your name. What's your name?

What? You weren't looking for Anthony what?

No, I'm, what's your name? I wanna know, because I wanna, I wanna get jiggy with you, ma'am.

I wanna take you out and we can go everywhere, like the 7-Eleven on Broadway.

Hello?

What's your name? What's your name?

No, I want you, ma'am. I've changed my mind. I want you, I want you in more ways than one, okay?

Sis, what are you doing on the phone? Hello?

How you been?

What's your name? Who are you?

I have better things to do than catch up with Goldman's youth.

I don't understand, sir. Are you playing games?

Please enter your destination number.

That was me.

Okay, we're going to call Gabina Dumas.

Gabina Dumas.

How are you?

How you been?

It's about as funny as every other soundboard prank call I've ever heard on PCU.

Thank you for that.

Well, I don't know.

My soundboards are pretty good.

Yeah, I've never tried one before.

That was my first attempt.

This asshole wouldn't say nothing.

No, no, no, no, no.

You don't miss me.

I do soundboard as well, but there's a...

You know, remember the sound guy that I called?

Yeah.

Right.

I made a soundboard out of everything he ever said to me.

And basically, you know when he goes nuts on the phone?

You're a fuck's brain.

I don't know if you've heard those chords,

but I made a series, of course, which was hilarious.

Okay.

Sounds fun.

All right, well, hey, we'll call...

Do you want to call Lois Lane or Dick Hoser?

Lois Lane, yeah, I'll tell her I'm...

What's Clark Kent, right?

Clark Kent and Lois Lane, that's right.

All right.

Good work.

All right, hang on.

Lane's.

Hi, Lois?

Yes?

Clark, I've got to tell you something, Lois.

I've been talking to Carlito and Jim,

and they told me to tell you,

and I've got to tell you, okay?

I've got to get it off my chest, okay?

Lois?

Yes?

I'm Superman.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm Superman.

Yeah.

Superman to the rescue.

You know, I'm Superman.

Mm-hmm.

Okay?

I just wanted you to know because, you know, you never knew and now you know.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, so now you know.

I took your long red underwear.

How do you feel?

I took your long red underwear away and locked you in the phone booth and you are helpless.

But your love is lame.

How can you know I'm Superman?

I know you aren't.

But I am Superman.

I know where he is.

I know I am Superman.

Superman.

Thank you for calling.

Superman to the rescue.

Oh, bullshit.

Damn it.

That was pretty good, though.

No, you're not.

I think she really buys the whole Superman story, dude.

You heard her?

I stole your red underwear.

Okay, we'll call the Hong Kong house now.

Is that okay with you?

Good, all right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool.

You start this.

Huh?

What did it say?

You start the car.

Do that Chinese guy.

If you want to take me in, I'll do that.

Huh?

Okay.

Anyway, here we go.

Try it again, folks.

Try it again.

And so is my fucking meat.

Hong Kong?

Hi, how you doing?

Hello?

Hey, what kind of vegetarian meals do you have?

The eggplant, nutbooki luck, and the pink broccoli, and oyster sauce.

Okay.

And the tofu is ready.

Okay, I'm going to put my friend on the line.

He speaks, do you speak Mandarin or Cantonese?

Uh-huh.

Do you speak Mandarin or Cantonese?

Both.

Okay, I'm going to, he speaks Cantonese, he needs help, okay?

Okay, he's going to make an order, okay?

Okay.

Okay, hang on.

Front, attention, one.

Hello?

Hello.

What's your family?

Yeah.

Hello?

What the hell happened?

I have no idea.

She kind of like, she turned into dust, into an air.

Well, I didn't hear anything because I was on hold.

You couldn't hear anything at all?

No, no, I was listening through the speakers on me.

Well, fuck.

Okay, that's good.

Excellent.

Do you want me to go back to the...

Do you want to try one more before we go?

Do we have anything?

No, we're not going.

All right, we'll do the, you want to do the Peter Parker one?

Yeah, nice, all right.

That is like Spider-Man.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, I just watched Spider-Man 3 today, actually.

Oh, how'd you like it?

Yeah, it was interesting.

Okay, good.

Was it inspiring?

Well, it wasn't today, it was yesterday, sorry, because today is Sunday, yesterday.

Oh, we'll fuck it then.

All right, cool.

All right, hang on, everybody.

Yeah.

Peter Parker, good?

Yeah.

Okay, all right.

No, I just said Spider-Man 3.

Oh, have I seen it?

No, no, I have a copy of it, but I haven't seen it yet.

I didn't say that.

Yeah, I said I saw it and I thought it was okay.

It wasn't as good as the other two, but it was alright.

Oh, okay, whatever.

Sam Raimi, good director.

The second one was okay, the first one was really good.

Yeah, I liked the first one.

I'll have to find out.

Alright, cool. Hang on, folks.

We're out of phone card juice.

It's dead.

It's dead, Milkman.

Oh, Milkman's muted.

How'd Milkman get muted?

Sorry, Milkman, I didn't know unless you were muted, man.

I'm sorry.

What the fuck was that all about?

Anyway, the phone card is dead.

I think the show's over.

We did two hours.

That's all I'm obligated to do.

We had a good show.

You have a $5 card.

Yeah, yeah.

It was on the line to American Samoa for probably 20 minutes.

Oh, shit.

I fucked it up, huh?

You want me to hang up, Carly?

Yeah, yeah, hang up.

Stay on the computer.

We're going to end the show now, actually.

All right, get to work.

All right, all right.

Okay.

All right.

We will be on the Ventrilo.

Well, I will be on the Ventrilo.

I will be on the Ventrilo, too.

To everybody, go to ventrilo.typefrag.invoke forward slash biz or something.

What is it?

No.

Go to PCURadio.com and click on chat, and everything is in the title.

Okay.

You got it.

Join the Ventrilo, people.

Be in the Ventrilo.

Thank you, everybody, for listening tonight.

As usual, the show tapers off towards the end, but we always start off strong.

We're usually on Thursday nights at 11 p.m. Eastern Standard Time currently.

Maybe someday we'll be able to start back at 10 p.m. Eastern,

but for the time being, we can't because of the man.

All right.

Sorry.

Okay.

Milkman, take us out of here real quick.

All right, man.

I'd like to thank everybody for checking us out.

I hope you had as good a time as we did.

I'd like to especially thank our friends there at PCQ, Dr. Lego, Mr. KDK, Mr. Ted.

You guys are very kind.

Thank you so much for all your help.

I actually want to thank our good friend, the Lonesome Loser, the hardest working man in radio.

Without him, none of this would be possible.

All hail the Lonesome Loser, Storm Shadow.

I'd especially like to thank Jim Stewart for stopping in and joining us on the show tonight.

Wonderful show, JimStewart.com.

Yes, indeed, JimStewart.com.

Thank you for having me on the show.

Yeah, Jim.

It's good to be here, man.

It's always good to get up at 3 o'clock in the morning and come on to the manor.

I'm sorry.

This man has a great podcast, so if you're interested and you want to hear some great laughs,

you've got a minute to download.

Go check out podcast at jenstuart.com.

Yeah, that's a good one.

I have a podcast, too.

Go ahead, Jen.

Oh, you do?

The Madhouse podcast.

No, no, no, sorry.

I was going to say, since I've been calling and harassing this Hartwell Hotel,

the guys from the hotel have actually been downloading their own pranks,

which is quite ironic because then they talk to me about it on the phone when I call them back.

Oh, that's cool.

That's cool.

Are they cool about it, at least?

Yeah.

What happened to the...

Well, yeah, you can listen to the latest stuff.

I'm going to upload some of the new ones that they've done this week,

and then you'll understand what's going on.

What happened to the lawsuit from that one lawyer?

Anything ever...

Oh, that guy...

You know, I tried it...

Do you know what?

I've got his number.

We can call him next week on the show or something,

because...

Well, no, he won't be there, because it'll be too late,

because I only have his office number.

But I tried to call him.

I tried to talk to him about it,

but he obviously doesn't care.

He doesn't want to talk about it.

He realizes that I'm not actually Jim Stewart,

and this is just

a sort of web thing

it's not really a real

okay yeah

because he was all

addressing it to

Jim Stewart

and everything

and he doesn't

he doesn't understand

that was quite funny

he was going to

do a lawsuit to me

with my email address

right

he's going to take

that to court

and say to the jury

we have this guy's email

really far

well you know

lawyers in America

they basically try to do

they cast a wide net

you know what I'm trying to say

they go after everybody

as quick as

you know

they're trying to make money

exactly

that's all it is

money talks

That's America, baby.

Way of the south, too.

Oh, that's the world.

Yeah, that's true.

Even over there in Norway, wherever it is you're moving to or whatever, man.

So, yeah.

All right.

So we're done.

Yeah, I'd like to especially thank our Buddhist leader, our Generalissimo Carlito, the leader of the man for the show.

It was a pretty good show.

I had a good time.

I'll let you know, I'm ashamed that I had a few listeners for a Saturday night.

I think that's a testament to how talented KDK really is.

He can get more listeners in a Saturday night than I can,

so apparently he's better than me.

Well, what did we peak at?

Like 49 altogether.

Is that including TalkShoe?

Including TalkShoe.

Well, we got no...

Wow, that's depressing.

We had 70-something at one point.

One, two, three, four.

Actually, no, I guess we peaked like 50,

which is about what we usually get on a Thursday night.

So our audience carried over.

This is a short-notice thing, so whatever.

No big deal.

All right, folks, we'll be on Thursday night again.

Well, you know, guys, if you like it, don't forget to tell your friends, and then we can have a hundred people on.

Yeah, help us out, man, or Dr. Legle will cancel us.

We'll be on the 31st. It's coming Thursday.

MadhouseLife.com. Catch you guys next week.

Calls (17, 47 min of 1 h 24 min)

Transcript

Comments 0