2007-07-19 Show

Who plays?

What happens in America?

Well, we steamed your ass in World War II.

What do you have to do?

We never did.

And who helped you out just now?

You piss off, woman.

Don't talk to me like that.

We don't need you anyway, bitch.

God, fuck you.

Call me a stinky, stinky fucker.

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

Yes.

Right, Milkman?

Yes.

Tonight is all about yes.

Yes, tonight, everybody.

everybody say yes everybody yes yes everybody yes milkman what's the word of the night get a

gold star ready milkman good work good work man get one past you hey everybody manhouse radio has

started manhouse radio on the air is july the 19th it is thursday and it's 10 14 p.m we started

on time tonight man usually we're not starting yet tonight we started right at 10 o'clock all

All right.

Thank you, everybody who's here with us tonight, everybody listening.

We have 49 listeners here to start the show.

Very sexy, very good.

Madhouse Radio Network is now broadcasting in full effect.

We are without TalkShoot.

TalkShoot.com is down tonight, unfortunately, but we are still on our flagship station,

which is 98.6 The Mouth over at MadhouseLive.com.

98.6 The Mouth.

More importantly, of course, is none other than PCUradio.com.

Prank call underground radio.

The station has started it all.

PCUradio.

Thank you, Ted.

Thank you.

Yeah, Milkman.

Yeah.

Yeah, buddy.

La.

Yeah.

La, la, la, la, la.

I'm in a good mood tonight.

Whoopee boo.

Yeah.

Milkman, try to speak up.

I'm not on parole.

There you go.

I'm on parole tonight, man.

Really?

Why are you on parole?

What happened?

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Oh, that's a good thing, man.

It's a good thing, man.

Good.

I hope you passed your test.

Your drug test.

I passed the drug test.

I tested all the drugs that were available, and it was a good time.

Good, good.

But they can't test you for Jesus, and I know you have Jesus in your heart, man.

It's here for Jesus, everybody.

You doubt it.

I'm here.

You're not.

Phoenix here, the future Miss Carlito is here in studio.

She's here.

She's not going to say anything.

Yeah, and of course, as we said before,

for Jesus to be here with us, man.

Jesus is here with us tonight.

This first hour of the show is brought to you

by Jesus. We don't have any

sponsors tonight. Our sponsors have left us.

So at least we

have Jesus. Last week was brought to us

Wheaties. This week is brought to you by

Jesus. Wheaties last week? That's right.

Hey. Oh, man. We lost that contract

already. Excuse me. Well,

I was trying to be a little upbeat here.

Is Lonesome Loser around? I mean, we don't have

any numbers to call.

Where's he at?

He is?

Good.

Well, thank you for reporting that.

Lonesome Loser, make yourself heard, known, and such.

Good things of this nature.

We've got a lot of people listening and joining in the chat room already.

If you're not in the chat room, go to PCURadio.com.

That's the home of Prank Call Underground Radio.

Join the chat room, why don't you?

Join it now.

Do it.

Make it so.

If not, you can reach us here outside of the chat room on the Instant Messengers.

on AOL, Instant Messenger, or Yahoo Messenger.

That is Madhouse Radio.

Again, AOL, Instant Messenger, and Yahoo Messenger users.

Madhouse Radio.

MSN Messenger users.

MadhouseLive at Hotmail.com.

MadhouseLive at Hotmail.com MSN.

And the best thing to do if you missed all that

because I said it fast

and I don't feel like repeating it five times tonight,

You just want to go over to madhouselive.com, madhouselive.com, where you can submit your

prank requests, you can subscribe to the podcast or the newsletter, and you can also see the

various methods for messaging us throughout tonight's live broadcast, and we're not going

to go too late tonight because I do have stuff to do tomorrow early.

I have an early day of work tomorrow, so we will go on probably until midnight Eastern Standard Time, or just before that.

In the meantime, as I said before, be sure to go to madhouselive.com.

There was an update there.

I believe we had five or six new prank calls that were added to the podcast yesterday,

as well as the anniversary episode from last week, which went very well.

That's up there also, and I believe we also have the episode from June the 14th, I believe, is up there also.

so be sure to subscribe to the podcast if you use an iPod

or if you use a podcatcher or a feeder

or whatever it is that you listen to podcasts with these days.

That's how you will do it.

My iPod is completely broken.

It does not make go anymore.

It does not go.

My iPod broken.

Broken iPod.

Man, I took my iPod and I hooked it right onto my pacemaker.

Oh, man.

And I put it on like a Metallica mosh session, dude.

Like popping wheelies around here.

Ah.

Whoa, a darn.

Turned the rattle scooter, man.

It was terrible, man.

Did you get high?

Good deal.

I bet you that was a wicked trip, man.

I mean, I was, like, wasted, dude.

Dude, like, Lars coming.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Yeah, Lars, man.

Lars Ulrich.

Yeah, man.

That jerk.

That sellout.

Metallica is a bunch of sellouts.

Sellout whites.

You know, they sold out.

But sellouts.

This is a little loud here.

Let's turn that down a little bit.

All right.

Well, I don't know.

No, we can do prank calls, of course, tonight.

If you want to send them in to us, do that on the website.

You can email them at madhouseradio at gmail.com.

The website does have a Request a Prank feature where you can send in your details.

We will prank call someone for you free of charge, unlike the competition.

We will do that free of charge for you.

No charge, no charge, free.

Did I say free?

Yeah, and the toll-free line will be open later tonight.

The toll-free line will be open later tonight.

tonight milkman what is that number that number is 888-278-8509 that's right we pop the dime

gives us 888-278-8509 wow that's really you're really breaking up there a bit but again that

is 888-278-8509 that is where you can reach us tonight uh in a little bit not yet not now

the lines are closed um well we have uh two quick news articles here to mention real quick if you

If you don't mind, Milkman, I'll take some time out here for the news.

Madhouse Radio.

I would like to find out what's going on in the world.

People are toasting, please.

Not much, really.

Michael Vick has been indicted for dogfighting.

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick faces criminal charges and a possible prison sentence

for allegedly participating in an enterprise that trained pit bulls for death matches

in which spectators bet on the outcome.

Is dogfighting that bad of a thing?

Milkman, have you been to a dog fight before or a cock fight?

I've been to a cock fight before.

Actually, they have them here all the time, even though they're illegal.

I mean, even the police, it's illegal to participate in it.

It's really illegal.

Yeah, well, cock fighting is legal in Puerto Rico, I understand.

It is a legal venture there.

It is the national pastime, pretty much, right outside of baseball.

You can actually go to legal rooster cock fighting events and whatnot.

And dog fighting, too.

dogfighting i don't i don't think dogfighting is legal there man i really don't think but

it's done underground it's supposed to be legal but i mean it's participated in by

official government officials police officers and officers so call it what you like but they're all

involved wow that's sad i'd say well apparently michael vick you know he's a football player a

a quarterback i understand and he was involved personally in organizing these kennels in his

home and dogfighting and he actually

participated apparently

allegedly in the execution

of eight of these animals

who were apparently

I believe they were killed by various

methods including hanging, drowning,

slamming, and

slamming the dog's bodies to the ground.

So that is Michael Vick for you. A

class act. Wait a minute. That's not

dogfighting. That is

freaking animal abuse. Well basically

if a dog died

they would kill the dog. I mean

I mean, man, how are you going to hang a dog, man?

I mean, at least shoot the dog.

I mean, if you're going to be a dick, don't just hang the poor guy, man.

Poor thing.

Poor pit bulls.

Gentle creatures.

If you shoot yourself and do us all a favor, what kind of animal deserves that kind of treatment?

None.

Poor dogs.

So, yeah, free the dogs, free pit bulls, and Michael Vick should rot in hell.

You're a donkey, Mr. Bull.

Yeah.

Very good.

He is a donkey.

Let's give him that.

You are a donkey, Mr.

Vick.

Okay.

Okay, and the last news story here real quickly is, I don't know,

have you heard of the 747 that the U.S. Air Force has developed with an airborne laser?

Have you heard of that whole deal, how that's going to work exactly?

The Marshall Special Model?

No, basically the Air Force has been working for several years.

They take a 747, the Air Force rather, and they outfit it with this big chemical laser,

laser and it's going to be used to fire a directed energy weapon at the speed of light and it can

basically zap any uh any ballistic missile that's being launched uh in the boost phase before it

even gets anywhere they could essentially just uh you know fry uh missiles before they become a

threat so uh so yeah they tested one here recently uh during the week and it successfully targeted

its target and the target was targeted and the target was destroyed so great now we don't have

I actually remember the early preliminary testing of the first two targets.

What was that?

September 2001, man.

Right there in New York.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

I did planes.

Yeah.

You want to know something funny?

We're doing a live show.

I completely forgot to kick PCU stream.

How stupid am I?

So right now, we've only been listened to by, wow, eight people.

Well, hey, you guys listened to an exclusive show.

I totally forgot to kick the PCU stream.

How embarrassing.

Oh, that's why I'm getting messages.

I just looked at the chat room, and everybody's like, where's the live show?

Oh, wow.

Well, we started on time.

Hang on.

Let me.

All right, Milkman.

Go ahead and cut the music if you could, Milkman, please.

Okay, okay.

Hold on.

I have an apology.

Apparently, I'm so stupid that I didn't kick the PCU stream.

So you guys have missed a tremendous show.

We've had 10 prank calls that you missed already.

It's some of the best prank calls we've ever done.

Oh, my goodness.

we had uh some great prank calls you guys missed so i'm sorry about that but

that was stupid that was very stupid dtt hacked us apparently so

yeah sorry about that folks no seriously i forgot to kick the street here i forgot to

kick the street we haven't done much of anything we did news stories and whatnot you didn't miss

anything don't worry but we're back so yeah here we are and now for what were we talking about

anyway uh doing prank calls right was that the deal oh okay yeah the right the news was is that

dt is back and he hacked the madhouse central stream and uh delayed our entrance into pc

we got a great conference line this year courtesy of sir nunu the king of the soundboard prank

Heck, yeah, king of the sound boards, king of the sound boards, Nunu.

And I also have an AA.

We got some numbers in Manchester, England, brother,

from none other than Lonesome Loser going under the moniker of Bogart.

And then we have Manchester telling you they got some fine tracks on the map.

Yeah, good.

Those are very angry people in Manchester.

They really need to work on that, angry issues that they have.

yeah so hey milkman man i've been uh i've been smoking pipe tobacco huh how about that cool man

you know what actually man i uh i am kind of a connoisseur of pipes and pipe tobacco a few years

ago um i used to smoke weed when i gave it up to uh smoking uh flavored tobacco and uh i got uh

quite a bit of knowledge on that so as you develop your direction i can help you and

Is there a particular flavor you recommend?

Should I be mixing honey with my tobacco before I smoke it?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

The point of a good pipe tobacco is that it is moist, but it's not wet.

Pack is one of the very few things.

The quality of the bowl also helps to add enjoyment to the smoke.

If you really smoke all the time, like weekly, a good smoke will have like seven holes.

That's why the wood will actually soak up the liquid and create a really nasty, fighting, burning taste.

So, I actually had a different bowl for every day of the week.

It makes for a wonderful, enjoyable smoke.

A pipe rat, all the way set in a position where all the juice seeps back out of the sun and down into the bowl and keeps dry.

And my favorite type of pipe of all is the Petersons.

The Petersons cannot be beat.

They are designed to remove the juice.

And as you start smoking, you'll find out that the juice is a wicked terrible thing when you're not expecting it.

I haven't seen any juice yet.

I've been using the cheapest corn cob pipe.

It cost me $9.

And it's literally a corn cob at the end of it.

I mean, it's not a joke.

It is.

I wonder how they got the cob.

But they do start soaking up, and after a while, it's going to get a real funky taste,

and you're going to be like ready to pitch it, and you may get discouraged and disgusted,

but the pipe is really not a pipe.

Just get you a nice briar pipe, and you'll do fine.

All right, well, Nunu is reporting we should call that conference as soon as possible.

It is taking place in Mr. Harold Trammell's suite.

So we've got breaking news.

Let us cut everything off here real quick for Nunu.

milkman cut the music again if you could please all right good all right according to this this

is the 53rd annual general convention of the children of the confederacy well all right man

the south will rise again yeah thank you god love the south grew up grew up here in the south

um all right so this is in georgia of course you saw the monkeys out there they have a pool party

going on and there's a meeting taking place

now in Harold Trammell's suite

so we will be calling

the children of the confederacy

alright, excuse me, good

God bless the north

and old glory

yes, that's good, good one, that's right

the old glory and the stars and bars

we'll be right back with the first prank call of the night

ladies and gentlemen

I'm doing the knowledge, man, I'm trying to get paid in full

well check this out

since Norby Walters is our agent

Yes, I need Mr. Trammell's suite, please.

I don't care.

Can you hear me?

Yes.

No, they can't.

Yes, they can.

Hello, is this the Trammell's suite?

Yes, hi.

I'm advised here by the pool department to give you folks a call.

Are you folks scheduling some type of issue here at the pool right now?

Hello?

We'll take care of you.

Please hurry.

I'm desperate when I call.

Hi, this is Shelly.

Hi, this is Jack Valente here at the front desk.

Sir.

Okay, did you folks schedule this issue here at the pool tonight?

Yes, we have permission to use the pool until around 11 or a little after with Mrs. Duprat.

Okay, well, unfortunately, someone here with Mrs. Duprat's office, rather her party,

has informed us that someone has apparently defecated inside the pool itself.

Oh, my goodness.

Like a small child?

No, it was a grown gentleman.

He's a little, I think he's a little drunk.

Well, they may not be in our group because we've been at the Springer Opera House.

He said he's with the convention is what he's telling us.

I will come down my way.

for just a moment, please?

Can I get...

Ma'am, I need to put you

in the hall for a moment, please.

Just one moment, please, okay?

Ma'am?

Yes, sir.

One moment, please.

Yes, sir.

Okay, yeah, this is very serious here.

You understand we're going to

have to drain this whole pool?

Sir, I am on my way down.

Okay, but this is going to

max out your deposit on the room

for your stay, you understand?

Please let me come down there, please.

I would rather you...

I'm on my way.

I'm coming right now.

I'd rather speak to you

in your face, okay?

I'm on my way.

And what is my name?

I do not know,

but you said you were

were at the front desk. Jack Valente, yes.

Yes, sir. Ma'am, you have two minutes

to come down here. Sir, I'm going to have to...

Ma'am, can I put you on hold for just one moment, please, ma'am?

I'm on my way. What was that for Nunu?

We need to get their room number, however, but

we're getting started with...

Let me clear this line here.

Oh, my God. Oh, man.

Oh, you handle that stuff.

Yeah.

That'll teach you to be confederalists.

That was kind of funny. Good work, Nunu,

with that one. We will check in

in with them later. Oh lord.

Someone don't. The pool defecate.

Oh lord. Someone don't shit in the pool.

Alright. Good.

I gonna flush my pool.

Oh man. Alright. You know what?

I'm gonna call immediately right back. Now that Shelly

I know Shelly's name. Let me try to get them back here.

Before she gets to the front desk. Hang on.

Up to my nigga Slick Rick.

For those that don't like it, eat a dick.

For those who with me, sing that shit.

Has it go a little something like this.

Is this the travel suite? Hello there.

How are you doing there, mom? Yes.

my name is uh leotis jackson and i'm here with uh cleaning services you know that someone don't

take in the shit in the pool over here that's how you kill it apparently you know you guys

didn't get to hear that yeah should we build okay we'll just we'll check in with them much later

much later sector seven it's a main thing i'm like yeah i was gonna play the black guy with

with the turn alert but apparently they're not gonna have it so whatever okay well that was

was that that remember that famous wanda sucks turd in the back yeah that's an oldie but a goldie

oldie but a goodie yes a shake yes it was we'll check on with them later we'll see how that went

in the meantime in the meantime can you imagine that conversation yeah i just got a call from

the front desk said that someone took a shit in the pool no not that we know of no okay well

Well, we've got the godly stud farm in England, Hyde, England.

All right, so we'll get in Hyde, England.

This is the stud farm.

I guess they breed horses, perhaps.

I don't know.

We'll find out here in a moment.

Let's give them a call.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, well, let's give them a call and see what is going on with them.

Original gags.

The O2 messaging service.

The person you are calling is unable to take your call.

Oh, crap.

Please leave your message after the tone.

All right, well, instead, we'll have to call someone else here.

We will call, we have Samantha Holm

Let's see here

Milkman, do you remember I was calling a pub called The Bull's Head?

Do you remember that at all?

Yeah, it was like about two weeks ago

And what happened? I don't remember

Someone sent in a number for an English pub

And it's funny, I do remember

I don't remember the details, but it was funny actually

I don't remember it for some reason, but I can try calling it

It's vaguely familiar

He also sent in a number for

Samantha Holm in Manchester

And Terrence Cleaver in Manchester

England as well

So we have those on deck

Yeah

Nunu is helping me out with this conference stuff

I haven't had the juice lately

As far as prank calls have gone

Especially with conventions

He recommends we get the room number

And send them some watermelon and fried chicken

That's a very good idea

Very good idea

Well you know I know that you've been

usually challenge

you're an engaged man now

I am, I am, Athena has been squeezing my juice

if you know what I mean

my lemon

and we have breaking news

Brayden Ramirez

is giving us breaking news here

on AOL Instant Messenger

is he out of the club?

no, in the next Harry Potter movie

Harry Potter book I guess

or the movie, no it's the book

Mad-Eye Moody Dies Voldemort

messes up his spell and kills himself

Fred dies, Dobby dies, Hedwig dies

Ron marries Hermione

Harry marries Jenny

and has three kids

you know I've never read any of those books

but there you go

so if you were looking forward to reading the Harry Potter book

I don't know what he's talking about

but apparently they all die and get married and have sex

so woo alright good

I think that's the last book that's coming out

that's the last one that's coming out

Smooth Stunner was confirming

that

that we lost

PCU earlier, but okay, thank you.

No longer lost.

Hawk Fan Poop says we should get

Athena to prank. Athena, do you want to prank tonight?

No, thank you, she says. Sorry, we tried.

Can't say I didn't try, but I tried.

I tried, man, I tried.

Surprise, surprise.

Alright, so we will call that conference later, Nunu.

Stand by.

One night, we're going to have to do

a ladies special night,

like an hour of calls, like her,

Sweet Kits, Nelly, and Nioh,

You know, all the famous women over here, he's doing his best to call around.

I think it'd be four areas.

Right, right.

Why is Poop banned right now?

Is there a reason Poop was banned?

Am I allowed to know?

Did he do something?

No, he's not banned.

He flooded the room and then...

All right, I don't ban him.

He said it was an accident, so there we go.

If he does it again, you're on notice here, Poop.

Don't do it again.

Watch it with the Knicks.

The Knicks did it.

There you go, Poop.

You're unbanned now, brother.

brother. He sent in some numbers

here, so let's try to call at least one of them. It's not

going to work, but we've got the same numbers

he always sends. Let's see

here. We've got a 7-11 with a crazy

Arab guy. I'm going to try to call that.

This is in Cherry Hill, New Jersey.

After that, we will call one of Lonesome Losers

number, and then after that, we will... numbers,

that is, and after that, we will call

the Conventioners once again. So,

stand by here for a 7-11.

This is the 7-11.

Is this the 7-11?

Why did you say 7-11?

Oh, stupid asshole.

Hey, how many debit cards you have there right now?

Yeah, I left a debit card there.

I'm trying to see how many debit cards you got.

The debit card with the Visa logo on it.

It's a debit card.

You know what that is?

Pay with a card at the 7-Eleven.

Do you understand?

I understand, but I didn't find any card here.

You didn't look.

Yeah?

Where did you look?

Where I look?

Where you lost it.

In the roses?

No, no.

I said where you live it.

In the 7-Eleven.

I know, ATM machine or the counter.

When the counter, when you pay, that's where I use the debit card, you know.

One minute.

Oh, God.

Not here, buddy.

Not here?

Did you look?

Maybe ten times.

You looked ten times?

Yeah.

You didn't find anything?

Do you know the machine that you use to make the sandwiches?

Yes.

Did you look on that?

Did?

Do you have any Cuban sandwiches right now?

Cuban sandwiches?

Yeah.

Five.

You have five of them?

Can you put one on the grill for me?

Okay.

How many are you going to put on the grill?

Five.

Seven dozen donuts.

my friend.

Hey, hey, shove it up your ass.

Okay.

Okay?

And give me my debit card, and if I find a single fucking charge,

I'm going to come down there, I'm going to take all those donuts you have, and I'm going to make you eat them backwards, you understand?

I understand.

You know how you eat it backwards?

You know.

How? How are you going to eat it backwards?

I don't know, that's what I say, I don't know, you come and show me.

I'm going to push it in your butthole slowly.

No, you come and make it.

Oh, yeah, I come.

You do the practical, then I know how it's happened.

You're a practical joker, sir.

Okay.

And I'm tired of you joking around, stealing my debit card.

No, no, who plays around with debit cards?

Nobody plays around with debit cards.

If there's one, I don't care, if there's one charge on the debit card for every dollar,

you're going to eat one donut through your ass.

All right.

Through your asshole.

Okay, okay.

Okay, how big is the asshole you got on you?

That's it, he's done.

He gave up on his money.

Kishan.

Stealing my debit card, man, don't do that.

I'm clapping into the microphone, listen.

That's how good that call was.

Yeah, I got crap in my eye now.

Well, any suggestions, Milkman, that we could do with this convention here

that you're sending more information in on it, I see here?

Hello, Milkman.

Okay.

I don't understand why Milkman can't hear me.

When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to you, Milkman.

Well, I guess Milkman can't hear me right now.

Maybe he lost his ass.

He can hear me before, but he can't now.

Let me try to make sure that everything's turned off here correctly.

And yes, it is.

So it is not me.

It is Milkman.

Regardless, let me make sure.

All right, Milkman, are you around or what?

What's going on?

I don't hear him at all.

Milkman, try to restart your computer if you can.

We'll just restart TeamSpeak.

In the meantime, I'm going to be making a prank call here to Bogart.

I want a Bogart's number, rather.

Lonesome Loser's number here.

We have the Bulls Head Pub, who apparently we called previously.

We'll be calling them right now.

Thank you for holding on, folks.

And let me know in the chat room if you hear me fine.

I'm getting a report from Milkman that I sound bad on the phone.

I don't think that's the case, but if that's the case, please let me know.

I don't think that's the case.

I think Milkman has a problem with his computer machine tonight.

That's okay if he does.

It's not a big deal.

We'll get down to the bottom of it eventually.

There you go, man.

What's that funny noise?

Who are you?

The super from the building.

From what building?

Your building.

Oh, no, the pub.

I own the pub now.

What's your name?

I'm Jack Valenti.

I just wanted to call and introduce myself, see how you're doing, let you know how I'm going to be running things.

But why would you be phoning us at this time of the morning?

It's not morning.

It's evening over here in America still.

No, well, I'm sorry, but it's morning.

Well, it's an international transaction.

Don't speak over me, I'll fire you.

You understand?

Too late.

I've already been fired, love, so you can't fire me.

Hey, you know what?

I don't know who the hell you think you are.

Hey, you cunt, you're fired.

That's it, get out.

Well, you don't have to.

You're fired.

And don't try to take any of the beer, because I know you, I'm on to you.

I'm on to you.

Are you really?

I'm on to you.

You're full of shit.

You're fired.

How much is your last paycheck supposed to be?

But you tell them I'm going to take away 10% for your attitude.

Why don't you go piss off?

Because I don't know who you are.

What's that supposed to mean?

You're an asshole.

I'm your owner now.

I own you.

I buy your contract.

Tell you what, if you're the owner, you come down here now.

Can't now.

Come down here now to the pub.

I'm in America, remember?

You don't listen very much.

You must be drinking on the job.

Really?

Is that correct?

Are you drunk?

See, that's why I'm firing you.

No, sweetheart.

If you really think...

You're very saucy.

That's why I got so many complaints about you.

I'm firing you.

Did you?

Yes.

Where do you get these complaints off?

Mr. Johnson, Mr. Walker.

Who the hell is he?

He comes in there all the time.

He said that the other day you threw a bottle of beer at him and it hit him on the head.

It really did.

Do you know why?

On the head.

You're not off the TV.

You're not on the stage because you're a right joker.

I have no idea what you're saying, sweetheart.

All I know is you need to...

No, well, I haven't got a clue.

You're saying I don't know who you are.

Do you not speak English?

You're just an absolute...

You're an idiot.

You're homeless and you're jobless.

Really?

Yes.

Oh, so be it.

Okay, then get out of my...

Get out of my...

You want me to go?

To go.

Well, you come here and you get me out.

I told you I'm in another...

You're full of shit then, aren't you?

How much have you had to drink today on the job?

I'm going to take it out of your last paycheck.

Tell me.

Are you really?

That's right.

Yes, you're the woman who's...

Do you know what my name is?

Yes.

What am I called?

Me Julie.

Lending you?

I know.

If all this document...

No, you haven't got a clue.

What's the name of this place?

I have your social security number.

It's the bull's head, but it's...

You haven't got...

Have you really?

I doubt it.

But I bought it.

I haven't changed the name.

I'm changing the name.

Do you make a living out of doing this?

I'm changing...

We phoned here before.

Oh, really?

We phoned here about three weeks ago.

How do you know?

We live here and you disturbed us and you woke us up.

So you all just happen to be sleeping on the job now, huh?

Sleeping on the job.

It's five o'clock in the morning.

Sleeping on the job.

Vic Valente from America.

Casa?

What's that?

Antoine.

It's actually...

It's in the American Revolution.

Blum.

Hassan died.

Ask him why Hassan died.

I understand the way she's talking.

The way she's talking to me, brother.

It's really understandable.

It's quarter to four in the morning.

She's talking to me like that.

I had to fire her.

Can you make sure she doesn't steal anything out of the cash register, please, sir?

I actually do.

Well, good.

I'm happy.

I feel sorry for you, you know.

Okay, good.

Good.

I really do feel sorry.

Look, if you want to keep...

How sad are you doing this?

How sad?

I don't understand that word, sad.

I don't know.

You don't understand it.

I think it's a...

Okay, you don't understand that.

It's a British translation that I don't...

I think it's a British translation thing.

I don't know.

I don't understand it.

I think it's just American stupid shit.

Hey, hey, hey, you watch it, because we saved you.

We saved your ass, you stupid, limey bastard.

World War II, buddy, you remember that.

You remember all those men who died.

You remember the one killed?

Yeah, fucking British f-roll shit.

You ruined it.

That's why I bought you.

Can you talk to the nice lady again, please?

No, you can't.

She has a lot to say back there.

She's a chicken.

She's a yellow, yellow chicken.

That's what...

That's my mother.

That's why we kicked your ass.

that's why we kicked your ass in the colonies and that's that's why we had to

save you because you vaginas we're gonna get in France you didn't help France out

and we had to go save you you're a psychopath you're an alcohol you're an

alcoholic sir you're an alcoholic you might be a test here that says you are

sexual too yes that's your old lady asking you questions are you drunk your

social security social security number your social security number conversation

too. Ask her. She sounds so sexy. She sounds so sexy in the conversation. Let me tell you

something. You must be so fortunate to be married to a woman like that. Because look

how she sounds. You let her talk to you like that all the time?

My mom, you muppet.

Really? What's that mean? A what? A toss? A what? I don't understand that, sir. I don't

understand. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense.

You don't.

You don't. So you're having sexual relations with your mother. Where's your wife? Eater?

Because you're fat and disgusting?

Yeah.

I'm going to say because you're retarded.

I don't have to say this is America.

I don't have to answer any of your questions, sir.

Yes, I do.

And I told you I'm not at liberty as an American to tell you anything about where I'm at.

That's a right as an American.

Sir, this is America and I don't have to tell you.

I don't understand the word planet.

Like Earth is a planet.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Oh, sir.

I'm on noon in our time.

Noon in your time.

In our time.

I'm in my helicopter now.

You're in your helicopter now, are you?

Yes.

I'm an American helicopter.

An American helicopter.

The best country.

I want you to say it right now.

America is the greatest country in the world.

America is not the greatest country in the world.

Yes, it is.

It said so in my history book, it says it.

Lies to you, man.

It doesn't lie.

The devils take over the world.

Who do you think is going to save it?

America, again.

We stop the Nazis, we stop the Vietnamese, the Russians, we stop them, and we're going

We're going to stop the sick Muslims.

We're not to wish that, mate.

They just didn't do anything.

Where were you during Vietnam, huh?

We were alive, mate.

Yeah, exactly.

We weren't alive.

You were probably smoking.

How many pots did you smoke during Vietnam?

Michael, you really didn't do anything.

How many pots did you smoke?

What are you talking about?

How many pots do you smoke?

What are you on?

You're not on this planet whatsoever, are you?

Yeah, I'm on planet America.

You're not?

Yeah.

America isn't a planet, mate.

Mm-hmm.

It is.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

If it wasn't for America, there wouldn't be a planet Earth right now.

We saved it from the evil Nazis and the Vietnamese and from the Russians,

and now we're going to save it from the Iraqis.

No, we didn't, mate.

The biggest threat to the world is Iraq.

Bless his name, George W. Bush was sent by God to save us all.

Save you, too.

Saving the free world, the great leader, President Bush.

His name be praised.

A great leader?

Yes, his name be praised.

Sir, you better say his name and be praised

Whenever you say his name

Bush is a piece of shit

Hey, hey, do not speak of the prophet like that

That's the prophet

That is like Jesus you're talking about

Jesus, his brother, Bush

Hey, what

Look, how many

How many letters are in Jesus

Milkman, shut up

Hey, letters are in Jesus

How many letters are in Jesus

I'm asking

You're so retarded, you don't even know

asking what asking what asking what radio yes it is it's 98.6 the mouth 98.6

you're a 98.6 it's 98.6 the mouth what's up i said you're a 98.6 you're a 98.6 the mouth yes

you are a listener since we started talking to you we've lost four listeners since we started

talking to you back on the map you've lost four listeners you tell that woman to shut

goddamn mouth up to shut her big fucking trap up let her shut up what's the pull he's gonna

gonna do to me i'm in america the greatest country in the world that woman was okay oh man she went

off dude i get that whole call because i had to restart my computer and i come up in the middle

of that oh man she was like yeah she lost she's like asking what radio station he's from yeah

really no kidding oh that was good

He's back

Heavyweight contender

Yeah, heavyweight for sure

I'm glad you guys could enjoy that

Oh, 380 pounds of lust

Excuse me, that's right

I hope you guys enjoyed that

You better send that whole thing to me

I've got to hear that again

Yeah, I'm going to have to listen to that later

I had to restart my computer

Yeah, she said she remembered me

I have to go on the stream, actually

Okay, good

Good, man, good

Good. We're going to take a break here real quick.

We're going to take a quick break here, about five minutes.

We will come back and do some more prank calls.

We're going to call that convention again, right?

Still got some time left on the show, so don't panic.

Look, man, you really enjoyed that last prank call.

You really did.

Killer P was suggesting that we...

Oh, actually, Killer P sent us a number for an Iraqi oil drilling service.

Well, that's probably very expensive.

I don't think we can call Iraq, but we could try.

but no, we're not going to try it, man.

It's too expensive.

Good idea, but yeah,

it'll probably cost us about $10 a minute

or something like that.

We have more numbers from Lowsome Loser

we can still call here.

We have Samantha Holm,

Terrence Cleaver.

We've got the grocery store.

We've got Elsie Bolton in Manchester.

If you want more Manchester numbers,

please call them.

Yeah, if you can.

No pressure, Lonesome.

No problem.

We're going to do it about another hour,

so don't go too crazy.

Take a break.

Enjoy the show, man.

You deserve it.

Everybody else deserves it, too.

I'll send in a few numbers.

names of other

individuals in the conference.

Yeah, I saw that. So we'll hit those up first

when we come back, like I promised.

Let's see.

We got a request for Jack

Masterson calls here, so we're

definitely going to have to do that soon, do a Jack

Masterson call.

Jack Masterson or a Fat Albert

in ages.

I haven't heard most of those guys

for a long time, man.

Yeah, the characters have been out for a while.

Yeah, that's right.

You know what? We have three submissions

here. Actually, we have

four submissions here for prank call

requests. Someone's

asking for a Charlie Patton

call here, apparently.

Ask how much holy water his bathtub can hold.

How many phones we can drop in him. That's funny.

So that's from Royale.

See Royale.

He has to be the cheesetaker

of all. That definitely was

very worthy of the

number one award.

that was the number one prank call

the second year of the show was that one for sure

that was a very

thank you for your wonderful

contributions Carlito

and I love you

we've got a number for

a guy named Joseph who is a big wrestling

fan a big Yankee fan

he's also a fan of Blink 182

he's a very big time Terminator

fan hates Lord of the Rings

Paper Mario

and hates Element Skateboards

and hates being proved wrong

wrong well okay we'll prove them wrong uh we got someone else here sent in a friend of theirs named

daniel who's addicted to the transformers collects all the action figures as a mama's boy and has

has to be right about everything don't they all uh all right milkman thank you thank you for

letting me know about that and uh what else do they don't uh we got also a joe who doesn't like

being told that he is old and that she has a toy but oh a very angry person who's never happy who

who apparently has a boy toy, in London, no less, even.

We got a submission, actually, for a London number here.

Good.

Good deal.

So we're going to pass and take a break here real quick,

and we'll do those calls when we come back.

In the meantime, you are listening to Madhouse Radio.

It's 11.17 Eastern Standard Time, Thursday the 19th.

We'll be right back in just a moment.

Don't go anywhere.

Right here on 98.6.

Good mouth.

Got to testify.

Come up in the spot, look at X to fly.

For the day I die.

House Radio will be back right after this.

Don't tell me 40,000 people are coming here.

They're not here.

Guy tried to break in my truck.

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Yes, it's a long way to test out Puerto Rican.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

And we're back.

Madhouse Radio is back on air.

You're right back in the mad.

Come out.

Right.

We are back, everybody.

Thanks for hanging in there with us.

The show is about to begin.

So we'll see how we do.

Best returning Manchester, Carlito.

Yeah, that was a good call, man.

Let's move on.

Let's do another one that's good.

You know what I'm saying?

That's what I'm talking about, man.

Yeah.

Hey, if you want to call in, the toll-free line is now open, 888-278-8509.

Again, the toll-free line is now open.

That number, again, is 1-888-278-8509.

Thank you for talking over it.

Again, the toll-free line is 888-278-8509.

There, maybe you heard it that time.

Yes.

So call in.

Now.

Be heard.

Do a prank call with us if you want, even.

We're calling England tonight.

Nunu has sent in, wow, a bunch of people who are staying at that convention, huh?

He sent me a bunch of those numbers.

All right.

Man, he's got a freaking shitload of them.

He's got a whole hit list.

And he's not even American.

He doesn't know much about the revolution, I'm assuming.

They were busy with their own problems back then during the revolution.

No, no, no.

He doesn't even like tea.

No, he doesn't.

He doesn't like tea?

All right, good.

He's a lager guy.

Cool.

What's wrong with that?

We all like that.

We all like beer and lager.

It's all good, baby.

I'm a Newcastle's ale kind of guy.

I hear you talk about Newcastle's ale a lot, you know?

I've never tried it myself, though.

That is nice stuff.

I've never had Guinness or Newcastle's or anything like that.

No, nothing like that.

Give it to put hair on your chest.

Yeah, now that is a strong, bitter beer called Porter.

What's that, man?

That stuff is good stuff.

It's not bad.

I like the porn stuff actually better than I like the...

Really?

Cool.

Cool, man.

All right, so we're going to continue here with the show.

We're going to call next...

Oh, man, I have no idea.

You want to try that...

Let's try the...

Let's check in on that convention again.

See what happened with that.

Let's check back in on the pool poop party.

Okay, we will.

Here we go, folks.

Just a moment.

Where was my music on?

Yes, hello, can you hear me?

Yeah, Trammell Sweet, please.

What now?

The trammel suite, please.

Okay.

Thank you.

Sounds like crap again.

This is the trammel suite?

Yes, it is the trammel suite.

Well, I was talking to Shelly earlier.

She's coming down about the pool problem.

She never showed up.

She's been at the pool problem.

Okay, and did she clean up the turd?

Wasn't Shelly at the pool problem.

Okay, did she clean up the turd?

The turd?

Okay, well, can you put her on the line for me, please?

I don't like to call around people, wake them up and stuff.

Shelly, not in the turd.

Well, go get her for me, please.

Make yourself useful and go get her for me, please.

Wait a minute.

My name is Jack Valente with the second desk.

And you just asked me to do what?

To make yourself useful and get Shelly on the phone.

Come help on me.

This is Jack Marks in maintenance.

Jack Marks in maintenance.

What was that noise?

It sounded like you were playing a video game over there, Milkman.

What are you playing?

No, it's the Madhouse Alarm.

The Madhouse Alarm is going to start.

The Madhouse Alarm?

Okay, right.

Oh, the Madhouse is going to start.

Oh, you're late.

No, I'm on time.

That's the normal time.

Oh, you're 1130.

The new and improved Madhouse.

Yeah, the new and improved Madhouse is starting on time now.

Woo!

All right, good.

Yeah, I'm afraid the phone sounds like shit again, brother.

What are we going to do?

Wiggle them wires around, man.

That's what I'm talking about.

I don't know.

This new setup, it works when it does.

It works good when it doesn't.

It sounds like crap.

There

we go um let's call one of these submissions here to the website uh repo says uh we're invited

to come drink uh we're invited to go drink canadian beer with him cool we'll try that

cool man repo thanks moose's head moose head and uh what else do they drink up there killian's red

is that a uh is that a uh canadian beer killian's i'm not sure killian's is a canadian beer i don't

don't think it is i don't know dude anyway so we continue on doing more prank calls here

hefe is a faggot hefe is a faggot you have no idea what i'm talking about but just remember that

let's call the kid who's addicted to transformers okay transformers addict kid is coming up next

here on the mouth and again the toll-free line if you want to call in is yes the toll-free line

again is 888-278-8509 that's where you can reach us tonight and here we go with the next prank

calling on it to the uh let's get what's this guy's name milkman daniel daniel daniel daniel

here we go danny danny boy milkman the phone card is dead no more phone card oh holy hell

holy mackerel holy mackerel what do we do any idea well you gotta take your pick you want a five

dollar card the gift card last week you want to ten dollar card i don't know did you if you want

to give that card away we can still give it away just save it you know i mean we don't have to

to use that one.

No, I'm just going to,

since the contest is over,

I think I'm going to donate it

to somebody

who wants to do

international calls

here at BCU Network.

I am now crafting up

a brand new $10

Milkman special card

right here.

Mad Al special card.

Well, the contest

for the spoofed tail card,

it's still out there.

I guess it would be

basically someone

who can call in

and actually do

a good prank call with us.

I offered it to that

Cyan gay prank guy,

but he didn't want it,

so all right i mean i thought the concept was for the contest for the card was that you know

somebody you know would somehow compete or do something have an answer possibly

anyway look here in your g-top okay all right so we'll get that here in a moment milkman sending

in a brand new freshly scratched phone card so we can actually do some prank calls here thank you

you for bearing with us yeah reclute is a freak yeah that's that's not new that is not new news

my friend and there is the phone card hooray hooray hooray thank you milkman and now we're

gonna try once again to do the next prank call cool i was wondering if you had any optimus prime

figures yeah what's up oh no seriously do you have any optimus prime figures because i'm looking to

buy like the original optimus prime original optimus prime you have the original one like

from the 80s? No, man, it's me, man. I'm Eddie, man. I'm looking for the original Optimus

Prime. Who is this? Eddie, man. Garcia, man. You know, you know, you know, you know Optimus

Prime? Yeah. I want the, you got the original Optimus Prime? Have any Optimus Prime? Constructicons?

You got any of the Constructicons, man? Come on. Making you an offer for your Constructicons.

Who winning the fight, the Constructicons or the Octopticons? No, man, I'm looking

I can feel the Constructicons, man.

Come on.

Give me the fucking Constructicons, man.

Who went in the fight?

The Constructicons or the Dinobots?

I'm stupid.

Who went in the fight?

I was asking you a question about the Dinobots and the Constructicons.

Who went in the fight, man?

If you're such a Transformers genius, how come you don't know who went in the fight between the Constructicons and the Dinobots?

Man, what's up with you?

Talk to me, man.

Man, I'm going to go down there and steal all of your things, man.

Every single one of your things.

I'm going to take them all.

He's gone.

We'll try to call him back.

Hang on.

This is Dan.

Please leave your name, number, and a brief message, and I will call you back.

It sounds like a perv.

All right, that's the end of the Transformers kid because he's not going to answer again.

Yeah, that was stupid.

That is that.

Thank you.

We have a number for a some yum guy.

A some yum guy.

Imagine that.

There's actually a some yum guy out there.

That one comes out from Eric on the website, chatting with us.

Cool, man, cool.

Maybe we'll hit that up next.

Not next, but in a minute here.

Hang on there, Eric.

Hang on.

Don't lose your pants.

We have that Joe.

They don't like being told they're old or that she has a toy bot.

I guess it's a toy boy.

I don't understand.

This one's in England also.

Also, the name is Joe Eltis.

Nickname is Miss Eltis.

We'll call that next.

Hang on, folks.

Let me try it again.

Miss Eltis.

Yes?

I wanted to call you with a little bit of concern.

I'm with the British Association of Old People,

and I wanted to know if you were willing to take a trip down here to America

where we're going to be conducting some age reversal tests.

Your name has been submitted to a pool of people who are possibly elseworldly.

That was so stupid.

She's supposed to be a very angry person.

Doesn't like to be called old.

I'm losing the prank call juice, man.

I used to be so good at this stuff.

Now it's just like, eh.

Ms. Altus, why would you hang up on me, my dear?

Please, don't go.

This is important.

It's a great opportunity.

Please, we're not trying to get any pounds off of you.

You understand?

Ma'am?

I know.

You're an old person.

You're supposed to be awake at this time, right?

Right? Have you had your coffee yet?

One more time.

Okay. She's done with us.

No more of that.

Alright, so who do we call next then, Milkman? Any ideas?

Do you want to try the...

We got some numbers from Lonesome Loser.

We've exhausted these submissions

with the exception of Charlie Patton.

Do you have his new phone number, Mr. Milkman?

I sent it already. Don't have it still.

Today you sent it in to me?

Let me find it in the article.

Okay. Look for that right away.

Right away.

We have a request to call that, so maybe we will.

98.6.

No.

Okay, and we're back, everybody.

Sorry about that.

We lost you, and now we have you again.

Thanks for hanging in there with us.

PCU is back.

As well as a Madhouse Radio show, we are back.

We were talking, Milkman, about calling who now?

Did we say yet?

Oh, yeah.

I do have one last number here that was submitted to us via the email service.

which you can do also if you'd like to send us a request for a prank call.

You can do that at madhouselive.com and do so.

This one is for Joe, who is a big wrestling fan,

a wrestling Yankee fan, and a Blink-182 fan.

Blink-182, what music, what songs have they done?

Athena, do you know?

Heard of them, but I mean, like, I know they're,

I can't think of any either.

I know I don't have any of their music.

I'm pretty sure.

Let me do a quick search.

Oh, yeah, what's that?

I can't believe I said the things I said when I was drunk.

Yeah, I was.

That wasn't them.

They were running naked in the street, I thought.

The video starts with them running naked in the street.

I thought that was that song.

No, it's not, huh?

I'm not going to sing it either.

I don't know which one it is.

That's why I'm not going to sing it.

So we tried.

Yeah, I want to thank out there,

Pete Fingers, who's on Google here talking with me.

I learned about fring.com by your deal,

listening to, looking at your status.

That's really cool.

Cool, I'm able to use Google Talk on my cell phone now.

It's really awesome, man, so thanks for hooking me up with that.

You didn't know it, but you helped me out in a way, so thank you.

Most people have no idea what I'm talking about right now, so just deal with it.

Anyway, Milkman, we're going to call the wrestling fan, all right?

Also a Yankee fan and a Blink-182 fan who hates being proved wrong,

so let me see if I can prove him wrong about something.

All right, how you doing, Joseph?

I'll ask you a question.

If you saw these Terminators come through the wall, man, what would you do?

I'm not talking about the Arnold.

I'm talking about the exoskeleton.

You know what I mean?

Oh, shit.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

I hope he's creepy, right, man?

Can you imagine just those Terminators coming through the wall, man?

Right.

And then Arnold will come in.

He'll be like, get down.

I know.

Do you have the sunglasses?

No, no.

He didn't.

That's bullshit.

He couldn't see through the sunglasses, man.

It would mess up with you.

The old 80s technology.

Oh.

Yeah, but he would say get down.

But I think he would fail on his mission.

I think all mankind is doomed, man.

I don't think so.

I do, man.

I don't think the Terminators can be stopped, man.

It's going to happen eventually.

Nah, I think John Connor would lead the race.

I heard that John Connor sucked dick.

Sucked dick?

Yeah, he did.

He was a fag.

Oh, really?

Yeah, the real John Connor sucked dick.

Ah.

He got caught sucking dick by the Terminator.

Like, there was this big peace accord between the Terminators and John Connor.

Then they caught John Connor sucking dick, and they're like, John Connor's a gay.

Yeah, just, he's a gay.

Because, you know, the Terminators, they don't understand emotions.

emotions they don't understand love with a man and a man they barely understand the love of a

man for a woman and that's the end the end that's how we beat him is with love and so let your

children know okay let them know the terminators are coming right get down i'll be back that was

perfect i don't understand what that was all about i play the terminator music for him and everything

milkman how about that that was fun that was good whatever that was who's chronos

Cronus is calling

Depressed about Cronus is dead

Who's that Cronus

Who died

Cronus died

Who's Cronus

Clay who's Cronus man

Cronus the god of time

Isn't that who Cronus is

Man I'm scared now

I didn't know Cronus was dead

Man

What do we do without time

Man

Charlie Patton

Alright

Charlie Patton

You all know the story

Of Charlie Patton

You all know the story

Of Charlie Patton

I don't need to repeat it

I will not repeat it

I'm sure you all know

by now charlie someone on aol saying that they uh they were having trouble listening to us on

linux i apologize i guess the show is not linux friendly i'm sorry we'll just uh make sure that

you're using wine and remember wine is not an emulator you linux users out there will understand

what i'm talking about so that goes out to a rent-a-coder brian did quit whining yeah just

quick that's what you get for using linux little buddy boy and then we're gonna call charlie

Charlie Patton, everybody.

Charlie Patton.

All right.

Coming up next.

We're going to congratulate him on his winning the best prank call of the year.

I was going to answer Mr. Man Milk.

Bill Steel can't fuck with E.

I'm a motherfucking locke and my name is E.

He definitely was on the phone within the last ten minutes.

Really?

He's not dead yet.

We're going to give him two more rings here before we move on.

It's starting to get late.

We've got about another ten minutes worth of show here.

Actually, retry it and make sure you dial the right number.

I did the one that's on the ID.

D is the same one that you gave me.

He's not answering.

He might see a block number.

He's not going to answer it.

Hang on.

Let me turn this off here.

But it shouldn't be a block number.

Your number should come up as a New York number.

Is that how it works?

Yeah.

Shit.

Okay.

That's okay.

Let's try to call this Some Yum Guy restaurant in Miami Beach.

Hey, Milkman.

Milkman.

Milk?

Can you give out the information for the PCU chat room real quick?

The server for the IRC, if you don't mind?

radio.dyndns.org

good work thank you

this restaurant is closed

sorry Eric it took so long to get to that

next week next week next week

we will try that again next week Mr. Eric

but thank you for listening brother

Okay, so we've tried Charlie Patton.

We've tried all the requests on the email side,

so we're going to keel those out right there.

Actually, I think we got another email request here.

Let me check that out here.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, man, I'm tired.

Oh, man, I'm going to have to end the show soon.

I'm getting tired.

I got a big day tomorrow.

Big early day tomorrow, Milkman.

I'm tired.

Wah, I'm tired.

Wah.

I'm retard.

It's hard.

Kronos, Clay is reporting that Kronos was a former ECW wrestler

and member of the tag team The Eliminators.

I got into the early ECW when it first became big, you know,

back when they had that guy with the head and all that,

but that's about the time I got out of wrestling.

It was a little childish for me,

despite the fact that my name is Carlito on this show.

That's my character's name.

Wasn't that like during the days of the formation of the WWSWF?

WWSWF

Don't think I remember that man

Is that a joke or are you being serious

Worldwide Snake Wrestling Federation

No I have no idea what that is

Is that a joke

Snake Rasslers

You don't know what a snake rassler is

No but you ever seen those people who

They go to church and they dance with snakes

You know how I'm talking about

That's gay don't be gay

Hey man there's nothing wrong with gays

You ever see those

Christians who believe

They dance with those snakes, you know what I mean?

They dance with snakes, like rattlesnakes, and they believe that...

Oh, yeah, the holy rollers, right?

Is that what they...

They're really freaked out, like, these two small Pentecostals.

They're Pentecostals?

They, like, they dance with snakes, like rattlesnakes in their hands,

and they say that God will keep them safe from the rattlesnake

because the rattlesnake is the devil,

and if they get bit by the rattlesnake, they won't die.

Well, it's something similar to this because, actually,

I know people participated in that.

But there's a verse in the

Testament that says

that people take up snakes

and their faith will protect

you from the bite of the snake

and better so.

The concept is

we'll grab a snake and our faith is so

strong that we will not be bitten and killed

by the snake, which is not always

the case. Some of them do die from their bites.

Well, apparently they say if they do die

from the bite, it's God wanting to take them.

Take them. You know what I mean? It's God's will

that they go to heaven.

to that effect.

Yeah.

Craziness, right?

Yeah.

God, man.

Forget that dancing

with rattlesnakes.

That's not for me.

I hate snakes.

I'll kill a snake

if I see one.

If I saw one right now,

I'll kill him.

Everybody out there

that's in that snake wrestling

used to watch

WWSWF

where they wrestle

snakes there regularly.

Okay.

Cool.

Ted says there's

a strange thing

happening on his network.

I hope everything's okay, Ted.

We lost

We lost PCU there briefly for some weird reason, and the chat room died, too.

Why do you do that?

Why would you do that, Milkman?

I think so, man.

Why would you do that?

Why would you fart?

There is something crazy going on in the network.

Yeah, I guess so, Milkman.

Thank you for ruining the show again.

Okay, we have a...

I think it was the sound effect.

Yeah, I guess so.

Randolph says that he's sending in a number.

I'm sorry.

The Reverend is sending in a number for the biggest tool in the world,

and he deserves to hurt, make him cry.

He writes scripts for TV shows like Star Trek Enterprise.

Isn't that show canceled?

And la, la, la, la, la, la.

Okay, so I guess he's an asshole.

Yeah, we might get to him in a moment.

Don't worry.

I really think we're not going to be able to get to him

after this next last one here.

I would like to call one more number here from Lonesome Loser

since he did spend some time confirming numbers tonight.

We have the Uncle Hoser's Bait and Tackle.

This was confirmed about an hour ago, though, and that was in Texas.

I don't know if they're going to be open there

or the Yukwa Restaurant here.

Let's try to call the Yukwa Restaurant here

and wrap it up for the night.

All right, folks?

Sorry, Nunu, but we were kind of

conferenced out for the night, brother.

But we had a good time at the conference.

You know, we did the turd thing.

That's cool.

He says that we should offer them

a complimentary bottle of champagne

and a free slave.

Okay, fine.

I'll do that.

Fine.

I will pick one at random here.

That's the spirit.

All right.

Well, I'm going to call

Lonesome Loser's number here,

the restaurant.

In the meantime, you give me a number, or rather, a person at that conference that you want me to ask the slave question to.

You tell me who.

You pick your victim for that.

Nunu, tell me in the chat room or in the I am who, and we will go from there.

So, here we go with the next prank call of the night.

Just a moment, folks.

Hey, is this the restaurant and shit?

Is this the restaurant and shit?

The restaurant and shit.

Yeah, the restaurant and shit.

I'm looking for the restaurant and shit.

Is this it?

I didn't say shit.

Who is this?

Who's your manager?

That's what I said.

Who is it?

What's your name?

And your caller ID, please.

Your agent ID.

Are you in the business of saying bad words to people who call and make orders?

Ma'am.

I go to Buddhist temple every week.

Why would I say something like that?

Okay, so did you want to order takeout?

Because I have to check if you can order for to-go or not.

Yeah, I need an order for takeout,

but I'm not going to take out if you're going to put stuff in the food the way you're talking.

Are you the kind of place that puts stuff in the food?

No.

You have dirty mouth.

Maybe you have dirty hands and dirty food.

Who's the owner?

You're so offended.

I'm going to try to call her back.

Yes, hi.

Is this the restaurant and shit?

Hello?

I'm looking for the restaurant.

I'm trying to make an order.

Some girl was saying the bad words to me.

Already?

Already, yes.

Yes!

I need a poo-poo platter.

Poop.

What happened there?

I don't know what he's doing.

I'm going to the poo-poo platter.

I'm the poo-poo-y.

They got mad about that one.

Damn, they felt the spirit, Milkman.

What the heck?

I don't know.

You heard how mad they got over there?

They imploded.

Shit.

Let me try to get a replay on that.

Hang on just a moment, folks.

That was kind of funny.

Diapers.

Yes, hi.

Is this the restaurant and shit?

For the restaurant, trying to make an order.

or some girl was saying the bad words to me.

Ready, yes.

Good job talking over that, Milkman.

Appreciate that, as always.

I can't hear it, so I didn't know what was going on.

Yeah, you can't hear it on your ding-dong, bitch.

Everyone else heard it, except for you.

You gotta tell me what the hell's going on here in your crazy-ass madhouse.

You didn't hear it.

I'm only 86 freaking years old.

No one else heard it either, man.

All right.

All right, I want you to play that Manchester woman call again.

And that was definitely worth it.

I can't now because it's in the past.

I will later.

Next week.

I'm going to definitely have to get that.

Not on main, not on main.

Okay, so we're going to call the...

We've got to submit that to Ted for the stream.

Yes, that was...

She went ballistic.

Okay, let's call this guy the biggest tool in the world.

Apparently, this guy here who's a tool.

I'm told he's a tool.

So we will call him for being a tool.

Cool. Let me see if I can find his name here.

His name is Randolph. Randolph Vance.

And he deserves to be hurt and made to cry.

He likes scripts.

Ask him if they can include raping his mom's eye socket in the script

because that's really hot right now on TV.

Wow, that's dirty. Okay.

Alright, well, here comes Randolph Vance, everybody.

Randolph Vance.

Philante.

Hey from Perrin. How you doing?

Good, sir. You have a script here that was floating around for, I think,

I believe you submitted it for the old Enterprise show?

No, actually Voyager.

For Voyager?

We had it in the Enterprise bin.

Maybe that's what the confusion was, sir.

This was several years ago, I believe, right?

It was.

I don't know if you were aware that we're working on a compilation movie

with a crew from Voyager, a DS9,

and a possible appearance of Leonard Nimoy for the next feature film.

No, I didn't.

Okay, well, that's the case,

and we came across your script here in the pool of about 15 of them.

Seriously?

Huh?

Seriously?

You found that after all these years?

Yes, sir. We keep all our scripts.

That's a promise that we made to Gene Roddenberry before he passed away in the 90s.

I'm actually impressed.

This was a script that got turned into the Enterprise folder for some reason?

For some reason, it was an Enterprise bin.

I don't understand what's going on here.

There's been a lot of confusion here ever since Voyager got canceled.

Do you understand?

It was a really big mess here that Rick Berman started.

You know, I apologize for when I answered the phone.

I saw it was private on my cell phone, and I didn't realize it would be you guys calling.

Oh, my gosh.

You actually read the script?

What did you think of it?

Oh, it's great, sir.

Actually, we're thinking about possibly utilizing it here for an upcoming feature film.

But you need to have some serious revisions in it

because we actually need to incorporate some of the members from D-Space Nine.

We're thinking of Riker will probably be the captain.

I understand, yeah.

Okay.

And, again, Leonard Nimoy will probably be in it as well, sir, as an ambassador.

I mean, if that's okay with you, what we're trying to do is see if you're available this weekend to come down here.

Actually, I work in Lexington, Kentucky.

It would be a little hard for me to get there.

Well, we're willing to fly you out here.

We're actually going to be meeting in Vegas, sir.

We've got you with the – we've narrowed it down to five other contenders along with you.

To be honest with you, right now you're the leader.

You're the front runner.

This is the most well-put script here that I've seen since the Next Generation days, sir.

As far as fan-submitted scripts are, I don't understand why this got passed over.

Well,

one of the little tricks that I learned, I went to Script City when, the last time I was in Los Angeles was in 91.

Okay.

And I went to Script City and I actually bought a used script from one of the Q episodes from Next Generation.

And I used that as kind of a template, and I saw how you were treating the Q character, you know, when he was in his French marshal outfit,

or when he was dressed as an admiral, you would always have, like, his, you know, his different costume in kind of a parenthesis.

Does that make sense to you, right?

Kind of.

Yeah, we got that kind of.

And I kind of used that.

It was the Voyager script, wasn't it?

Yes.

Platoon 233, wasn't it?

That's the one, sir.

Yes, sir.

Absolutely.

God, you know, I lost that in my computer hard drive,

and I wasn't sure if I was ever going to see that again or not.

Yeah, well, hey, I mean, are you able to catch a flight?

I mean, tomorrow, I know it's going to be Friday here,

but we kind of like to put you up here in the Bellagio.

And, you know, like I said, it's going to be at the convention hall.

We're going to have four other people here.

Hopefully, they make it.

If not, I honestly think you're going to be signed aboard here.

We definitely need to get you on payroll.

The best thing to do is you have a passport or a social security card that we can get a copy of for the W-9

so we can get that process started.

Believe it or not, I just got my passport today.

Oh, my goodness.

That's great.

Yeah, I know.

I was getting ready to travel to Europe in November, and I didn't know if I was going to get my passport.

Listen, can I get a number to call you back at?

I'm kind of at work right now, so...

Yes.

Yes, sir.

Yeah, the line is...

You can reach me at 888-278-509.

0900.

Did you hear that?

Action issue, sir.

Again, that's 888-278-8509.

888-278-8509.

And what was your name again?

I'm sorry?

Jack Valenti.

With Paramount.

And that is...

...to the famous Jack Valenti, who...

Father, he died. He died earlier this year.

Of course, of course, sir. Of course.

Okay, sir. You know, we may have to cancel this gig for this weekend.

If not, what I'll do is I'll try to contact you during the week.

It might have to be next Thursday that I call you again,

but what we'll do is we'll set up another day at that point.

Okay. Do you have an e-mail address that I can reach you at?

Yeah. Let me see if I can get that for you here, sir, just a moment.

Valenti, V-A-L-E-N-T-I.

I'm at 888-8509.

That's correct.

Okay, well, I just don't know what to say.

I'm kind of stunned that, you know, you guys still have that script on file after all these years.

I thought, you know, I remember there was one character that the Seven of Nine had when she was in the holodeck.

Her name, the name that I'd given to her was Irene Hansen.

I think you remember that.

Any answer there? Yes, sir.

Yes, actually, what I'd done is I had written that script the week of February in Thousand,

And I had personally hand-delivered this to Adam Carolla, Adam and Dr. Drew.

I know him.

Oh, that's how he got it, I guess.

I don't know if that's what it was.

Yeah, Adam was here recently, but it must have been here for much longer than that, sir.

I don't...

Yeah, because he used to have, like, the actors from Voyager.

I don't keep to you, or...

And I thought that it would be kind of fun to have here as a guest on Voyager how he would...

All the names, basically, of the holodeck characters were from my family.

Were from my family.

They were all from my relatives, from the holodeck.

That was where I had drawn the names.

I was kind of drawing a little bit.

None of them actually had really served in Pearl Harbor,

but it was kind of, you know, poetic life.

You understand, right?

Yeah, I understand, sir.

You know, I think, honestly, this is marked.

It has a Corolla on it now that I'm looking at the script.

It looks like, I think Adam brought this in probably around the time

where his whole deal, when he was, I think,

was this around the time he was passing on the Loveline deal

going into his own thing with Comedy Central, I believe.

So that's probably what it was, sir.

Yeah, and when I'd seen the Voyager episode,

Author, Author, about a year and a half later,

and I heard Seven of Nine mention the chance

of living back on Earth named Irene Hansen,

it was like I felt like, oh, my God,

they actually had read the script,

or that was just an amazingly bizarre coincidence,

something to where, you know, they said,

well, we couldn't use your script,

but we'd like to consider it, you know,

You know, that we did read it and we thought it was nice.

And here's one of the little things is that, you know, the name Irene Hansen will now be remembered, you know, in a way.

Right.

I'm just nervous right now.

Don't be nervous, my friend.

Don't worry.

I'm going to see if I can get Adam to come also.

I know Jimmy, Mr. Kimmel, has also been very interested in doing something here soon.

We've kind of passed on Matt Damon, but we're thinking to try to get a bigger star here this time around.

Nothing less Scott Bakula.

Nothing like that.

Yeah, we're going to go, we kind of need to reinvent correctly the franchise, you understand.

Because about this new singing, Ray, I think there might be something to it.

I don't, I'm not sure, but, you know.

So you're thinking about having Riker as the captain, Leonard Nimoy as Spock,

returning as Spock for Spock's ambassador.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, we may have something where they go back in time with Nimoy, with Spock,

and Sulu is the captain, perhaps, of the Excelsior show,

We have a lot of different things we're trying to do.

But I think we're going to, and I hate to say we're going to hash up your script,

but we might build off of your script a little bit.

Well, there's always potential.

And I think there could be some potential if it's, you could always throw Q into it.

You know, I've always thought that the Trek movies kind of needed to go back to a comedy

because the Star Trek II was a very good dramatic movie.

Star Trek III was a very good dramatic movie.

but it just kind of got to where they needed to lighten the mood with four.

You understand what I'm saying, right?

Yes.

And then five kind of fizzled, but six, you know, really got back into the dramatic spirit.

And then, you know, they just never really got back to the comedic formula.

And I always thought that they should rank Q for a movie.

And here's one little idea that I was toying with,

and that was to have Q and his son, the new one,

take Captain Janeway to the one place in the universe that she had never been to,

a Star Trek convention.

So the idea would be that he would swap places with the actress,

the actors and the actresses played on Voyager,

put them on the real Voyager, and they're all going,

Hey, what do we do now?

Well, yeah, imagine that.

They go back to the time to an actual convention.

That would be craziness.

Yeah, and then Q and his son Q run into John Delancey and Delancey,

and there's kind of an odd moment where they're all looking at each other

and Delancey and the son say,

Okay, I think we're going to leave now.

We'll see. We'll see.

There's a lot of stuff we can do.

We're going to move this into something out of here, out of style.

I had also been toying with the idea of not necessarily a Trek movie,

but kind of a things movie.

And that was one called Kapla, Klingon Word for Success.

Of course, yeah, Kapla.

And what it would be about would be, I've heard that there are actual NSA agents' job it is to translate stuff from English into Klingon and back again.

Right, that's what I've heard.

They have to do this because of the potential that Klingon might be misused.

Used as a way for terrorists to communicate, yes.

Right.

We're aware of it.

So the idea would be that a high-ranking general decides, okay, well, we're going to conduct a little war games exercise.

We're going to divide this team of six into two teams of three.

One of them has to conduct a mock attack, and the other one has to stop them.

It would be kind of a comedy to throw Will Ferrell into it as an unknown sheriff who's like,

What are you doing here, you know?

Well, what about the idea of Klingons and Al-Qaeda working together and the Federation and the A-Team?

Mr. Valenti, I'm sorry. Hold on for just one second. I'm at work right now. Hold on.

Well, I have to go, brother.

This is going to work.

Nine-store establishment, sir.

Price on cigarettes.

I quit.

It's late here on the West Coast.

I'm sure it's even later where you are, possibly.

Feel free to call me at the pillows and go through.

You have my number there.

Just ask for Mr. Valenti.

If I don't answer, it might be my associate.

Ask for Jack.

They're aware that you might be calling.

I'm thinking by next Thursday at the latest, we'll have your flight information already.

We'll get you.

We're probably going to meet in Vegas next weekend.

It'll be on us.

We'll get you some chips.

I don't know if you're a gambling man yourself, sir, but...

Well, actually, I kind of try to save...

I'm not really...

I'm not really too big into...

Well, that's good.

That's beautiful.

888-278-509.

That's right.

That's correct.

Fenty at Paramount.com.

That's correct, sir.

Fenty, I...

I'm very much for this.

I'm just impressed that you all...

Yeah, like I said, with Gene, we wanted to save everything.

He was like a brother to me and my father.

...with the idea of...

The idea that...

That's a word.

...next weekend or next weekend?

Next weekend.

I'll just tell him that I owe him.

Hopefully, sir.

Well, have yourself a great weekend.

We will talk soon.

All right, brother.

Goodbye.

Damn it, Milkman.

That guy won't stop talking, will he, man?

We lost internet here again.

I think there's a problem with Comcast altogether because Ted has Comcast.

Ted is losing his connection.

We lost our connection at the same time.

A bunch of idiocy.

Back together now.

I guess there's some other people who are also reporting they have.

As a matter of fact, take a look in your G-Talk.

In my G-Talk?

What's going on in my G-Talk?

Your G-Talk.

I'll send you some information.

Uh, Aunt Rosie found her friend Aunt Rosie.

Aunt Rosie.

Aunt Rosie cast on showers.

Is this Bay Tuesday at the face clinic?

Yeah, Milkman, I've got to go to sleep.

I have to be at work in like six hours, man.

I can't stay up any longer.

I wish I could.

We will talk to you.

Be nice to Aunt Rosie.

I know, but I can't.

I've got to go to bed, man.

It's time.

I've got to be up in about five hours

to be at work in six hours, man.

So it's not going to work.

You don't need any more beauty sleep.

You're already engaged.

No.

We'll take a ten-minute talk to Aunt Rosie

and we'll round out our show.

I'm going to sleep.

I'm leaving.

I'm cutting off the show.

Now's your time to say goodbye to everybody.

Here's your chance.

Say goodbye to everybody now.

Say your goodbyes.

Hello.

Look, man.

Going home.

Call Aunt Rosie.

okay I'm gonna meet you since you're not listening to me

thank you everybody for listening tonight

this has been Madhouse Radio

I'd like to thank Lonesome Loser

everybody who sent in a number

who are you all again did we lose the fucking stream again dude

no we didn't stream is still up for now

we lost

we lost the stream earlier you missed half of that call

but for the most of you you got the gist

this guy was really into

meeting Jack Valenti's son

who apparently is me that's funny he's the first person

to actually recognize who Jack Valenti was

Because out of all the times I've given out that name, that's too funny.

Someone actually pays attention to the industry.

Imagine that.

Imagine that, Milkman, huh?

Imagine that.

Why are you there, Milkman?

Milkman.

Okay.

Milkman, this is your last chance to say your goodbyes to everybody before we end the show.

Going once, going twice.

Your goodbyes.

Okay.

That's it.

We love all of you out there.

We'd like to thank you.

Webb, your wonderful contributions to all the telephone improvisation with your wonderful Frank Horner Ground Network.

Thank you so much.

Yes.

Webb, you are the man.

Tedders Webbers, thank you.

That's right.

Yes, ma'am.

We'd like to thank all our other friends out there, brothers, fellow hosts on our shows, Dr. Lego.

Due to return for a special makeup show from a half dozen times ago, possibly this Saturday.

I don't know.

Stay tuned.

some new action we'll see if it happens and we are going to see something from mr ted i am going

to offer up an international card to some of our premier calling uh hosts out there so expect some

more international calls later on oh yeah is ted out do we know if is ted going to be on uh tomorrow

or not any idea ted is not a hundred percent confirmed but can ted as you listen to this type

in the room i'm almost positive uh he has not been able to make it for the last two and he's not

mentioned it yet so i am almost certain look for ted yeah look for ted well he'll let us know here

tomorrow we'll let you know before we sign off here in a second if ted i'm sure he will be if

not he'll be on next friday and i will share the international calling card number with him

and uh those that may want to utilize that service and we may have a good old weekend

and it's been a lonely week here

for the last couple weeks, but God bless

you all the listeners, and thank you for

sticking with us here at Mad

House Radio, because

we love you. It's all about you.

All that. You, our listeners.

You, bitches. It's all

about you. That's right. The most interactive

show right here on PC.

You can get to us any way,

and we give you our time,

and we give you the dime.

All you gotta do is just click in

and say hello. God bless you, and thank you

you so much. And thank you to our fearless leader, the General Lee Simo, the leader of

the militia, the madhouse Carlito. Right. Thank you. God bless you. Thank you. God bless

you. Thanks, Nunu, for sending in those numbers to the convention. We had fun with that. Thank

you to Lonesome Loser, we said already. Thank you for that. Anybody who sent in a... We

had several submissions on the email side for pranks that we received of the prank

request so thank you everybody rev pronin all you uh cats out there we uh we did the best we could

with your submissions um eric as well said hey do stuff we said yes you said yes and we did that

for you uh ted says yes he will be on tomorrow at 11 p.m eastern standard time uh yeah yeah that's

what i'm talking about ted webb tomorrow look for some international cards i got uh definitely i

I will send you an international card to utilize your comedy demonstrations there, Mr. Ted.

That's right.

And, of course, Lego will be on perhaps Sunday.

If not, he'll be on next Wednesday.

We'll be back here next Thursday.

You mentioned Saturday.

No, I didn't.

Stay tuned and look at this chat room often because we will update as soon as we have a confirmation.

Yeah, we'll let you know.

Just be tuned and you'll find out.

Remember, live nights on PCU.

Live nights on PCU.

Live nights.

Live nights on PCU.

Anyway, we're going to sign off for now

We'll be here next week again

Thank you everybody who listened

Stay tuned for Phil Henry on the Madhouse Radio Network

And we'll be signing off for the time being

Catch you next week, later Milkman

Thank you man

Thank you so much my brother

And thank you so much for your contributions

Sweet kisses, we love you

In five minutes

You don't talk to me like that bitch

I don't even know who the fuck

Put your man on the phone I said

What are you crying for

Did someone die?

Ma'am?

Yes?

I have gas?

Listen.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you!

Fuck you fucking piece of shit!

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Calls (13, 46 min of 1 h 51 min)

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