Conference Special (part 3)
3 Sep 2007 · 1 h 14 min · 9,773 words · source
Calls (20, 45 min of 1 h 14 min)
- Angry black girl on phone live 55 s clip ↓
- Calling Nautica the escort live 32 s clip ↓
- Trying to reach Nautica again live 1.2 min clip ↓
- Calling hotel for room number live 48 s clip ↓
- Hotel guest relations fruit basket live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Grand Hyatt operator asked for room number live 2.9 min clip ↓
- Grand Hyatt room service ordered champagne live 1.2 min clip ↓
- KKK prank call to San Diego live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Grand Hyatt room service confirmed delivery live 2.7 min clip ↓
- Hotel room service follow-up live 51 s clip ↓
- Hotel call mistaken for escort live 1.6 min clip ↓
- Manchester Grand Hyatt caller demands sex live 1.1 min clip ↓
- Hotel escort inquiry live 37 s clip ↓
- Manchester Grand Hyatt room number given live 1.2 min clip ↓
- Domino's Pizza called for Jack Valente live 3.9 min clip ↓
- Manchester Grand Hyatt pizza order live 8.3 min clip ↓
- Hotel guest asked about Do Not Call meeting live 8.9 min clip ↓
- Hotel PR confirms champagne and strawberries delivery live 2.2 min clip ↓
- Jack Valente hooker service call live 2.4 min clip ↓
- Jack Valente calls hotel for help after fall live 1.2 min clip ↓
Transcript
And now for my next number, I'd like to return to the, to the, to the classic.
This is a Madhouse Radio Classic.
Yeah.
Hey, good evening, everybody.
This is Carlito here.
I just wanted to come in really quickly to let you all know I will not be doing a show live tonight, unfortunately,
because I have to take an exam in about 45 minutes.
I'll be leaving my home here to go to my, to the university, UCF, to take my final for the semester.
So wish me luck on that.
In the meantime, I'd like to announce that a longtime friend and victim of Madhouse Radio as well as PCU and PCR altogether, Jack Valenti, died earlier today from complications of a stroke that he had last month.
We made a little bit light of his stroke recently in recent calls that we've done on my show, but regardless, he's now dead, and we have lost a tremendous force here in prank calls.
So, after speaking with Zolar, since I can't do a show tonight, instead of leaving you guys with nothing, I've decided to go ahead and play the famous Jack Valenti calls that we did back in September of 2005.
Now, this is a show with me, Carlito, hosted by Zolar, as well as Milkman and Reclude.
And we all join in and actually harass Jack Valente, who died earlier today.
He's the former head of the MPAA, and he's also a former presidential advisor.
He was 86 years old.
And he's best known for angering a lot of people for his work in creating the movie rating system.
You know, the R, PG-13, PG, and all that shit.
Anyway, so there was a telemarketers conference, and we ended up harassing him all night.
Zolar especially did.
He had a great time with it.
Zolar told me it was okay to play this tonight, so here we are.
I'm going to be playing that.
It's about an hour long.
It's some very good radio, excellent prank calls.
Just to let you know, don't get all pissed off because they're going to be mentioning
PCU because back then there was no PCR.
Zolar, as you will hear, was a member of PCU back then, so don't get confused.
used, and I was on as well, but yeah, and after that, we'll play a little bit of Madhouse Best
Of, and then we'll end the show tonight at a normal time, so I'm sorry to bother you all with
this, and with no further ado, here is the Jack Valenti Telemarketers Conference Extravaganza
from 2005. Enjoy, everybody. We'll catch you next week at our regular time, hopefully 10 p.m. once
again, back to 10 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on the Madhouse. I love you all. Wish me luck on my
uh exam here it is oh i'm cute she's good why is it cute solar underscore uh thank you very much
my friend i do appreciate that and uh miss zola vision is very busy uh trying to get people
interested in the show stupid oh who was that i called before and i made believe i was a girl
what's the number give it to me you have to send it in okay there's somebody record this
Yes.
What is it?
I even ripped fucking prank maps.
Every time you turn on my fucking encoders, it starts recording automatically with a new fucking date.
Excuse me, Zolar, do you know that prank master called me about two hours ago here?
No, can you tell me?
Yeah, why didn't you?
Record it.
Call him right now.
Let's call him.
I got his number.
You call him.
Hey, dear prank master.
He doesn't want to talk to me.
He wants to talk to you.
He wants to talk to his alter ego.
Damn, man.
Hey, dear prank master.
You need to get him on, you know, over fucking $500 a week.
You know, like, you know, like, uh, you know.
Oh, I'm curious, man.
It says, uh, restart.
Oh, my God.
In that room.
Milkman, one, two, two, two.
What's he telling us?
In all of Internet.
We're down.
We're up to 32 listeners now.
It doesn't seem a lot, but when you look at all the other things that are available
and nobody else is listening to them, we've got the majority of people.
I mean, that's pretty much saying something.
Watching your football is all art.
No, actually, I'm not into sports at all.
I've never even been to a sporting event in my entire life.
You ever play any tennis or anything like that?
No, no.
Well, you know, I mean, I've hit the tennis ball around.
I've thrown a football.
I've hit a baseball.
But I've never really participated in sports very much.
I was too busy being a pervert and touching nine-year-olds.
We have a new caller.
Here you go, brother.
Hi.
This is Recluse.
Yeah.
All right, Recluse.
We were just wrapping it up.
Oh, damn.
Say goodnight, Recluse.
Night, Recluse.
Recluse.
We'll just have one more prank.
Yeah, totally.
Totally. We can't just walk out without doing just one more prank.
Go ahead, send me the number.
Come on, give me a number.
All right, let me go to the yellow pages here.
Okay, this is Jessica and Ginger.
Okay, Jessica and Ginger.
Or Samantha, whichever you want.
One girl, 49. Two girls, 99.
Oh, this is going to be the same number.
No, this is a different number.
Yeah, but it is.
You look and see, these are different numbers.
I'm looking at the list here.
I know, but...
I hope they ain't all using the same number, but...
Okay, there's that one.
I'm going to send you Samantha for 99.
wait a minute i'm gonna look on my phone and see if i've already dialed that number once before
hold on oh you mean it's a different number yes i see what you're saying a different number okay
now whether she's you know mentioned all the numbers i don't know yeah i think so try these
other ones here in the cc that's one thing i can suggest that's one good number i got right now
oh the beat oh telemarketing conference shit it's time we forgot about that oh my god that's
the whole premise for the show yeah one o'clock it's one o'clock in the morning yeah and that
That means it's time for them to start answering for some sales on Ginsu knives.
W.C. Fields will sell them snake oil.
I don't know about it.
Look, man, say yay again.
Yeah, baby.
No, no, no, I heard you.
You were like, Zolar, be sure to get me that.
Say yay like that and send it to me so I can play it.
I'll isolate that and send it to you.
Please.
I heard it.
Let me get it again so you can get it good.
There we go.
Good.
Mark that.
Mark that.
1253.
There you go.
Tina, write that down.
you're not writing it down wait we got a whole bunch of callita did you just send me a whole
bunch of numbers i just threw i just threw a pen at a female come on bitch throw it back i dare
you i'm trying to make a pipe out of it don't throw it at me man woman it's my house hey just
use a potato if you run out i don't have potatoes i don't have money for potatoes
all right we got a very angry black guy answering this phone i got it how about it i'll speak to
the angry black guy that was on the phone a little earlier angry black guy i have a
long number sweetie i'll just call when there was an angry black man on the phone i'd like to
i don't know no you probably don't know there's no black guy is there an angry man that lives
there because i want to talk to him and i'm an idiot and it's obviously too late because it says
black girl answered sounded very angry
all right i got it right here that was her that was her
Oh, yeah? Really? Oh, damn. She's a trip.
If you call her back, ask for Nautica. She's an escort.
All right, so somebody else gets a try with her.
Milkman, you get a try now. You've heard of her.
Oh, baby, that's the top lady's brother.
Baby, I want to talk to her. I want to talk to her now.
Milk.
Hey, Nautica Sugar, what you doing, baby?
What you doing, baby? How you doing?
It's Leroy, honey. This Nautica.
Hey, baby, listen. I got something for you here.
Oh, the bitch hung up. The bitch hung up.
Why did she hang up?
All right, let's just do her one more time, and you got to talk a little louder and stuff.
Okay.
Yeah.
Here we go, one more time with this bitch.
No, no, no, listen, now, come on, baby.
Listen, I got some money for your ass.
All right, let me give her a shot one time.
Oh, God, she's going really deep.
Hey, baby, anybody there?
Oh, she hung right up.
Damn.
She didn't even hear my voice.
She just hung up thinking it was the same person.
I wonder if I got my phone on fucking.
it's probably using the same number yeah i should block my call god she ain't even answering this
bitch all right give me another number there's a telemarketer's number all right there we go
the hotel and we need some names two three one room number carlito are you still in on this
are you gonna get going i'm gonna keep listening i'm gonna get going all right take it easy and
have a good night thanks for joining the show that's uh carlito everybody listen to the carlito
Adios a la manana
I will definitely be enlisting
in Mr. Carlito's madhouse
at 9.15 p.m. Thursday
That was a good outro for him
It went at the end and everything
Recluse, you still here?
Hold on a second
Yeah, I'm looking for
a Brianna Clark place
Or fuck her in the ass
We'll try again
I think W.C. Fields has done already sort of some sneak over there, mate.
Hey, what's Frank Master's last name?
Molester.
What is it?
Molester.
Never knew.
Molester.
No, that's Chester.
Isn't that Chester Grand High of San Diego?
Where may I direct your call?
Hey, how you doing?
I'm in Bill Morris, M-O-R-R-I-S, Bill Morris.
My pleasure to connect you.
Thank you.
My pleasure to connect your ass to my cock.
Frank, how you doing?
Shut the fuck up.
Isn't that just like a fucking telemarketer and not answer a damn phone in punks?
Yeah, right?
They don't like to answer the phone when they're on vacation.
I know, they're fuckers.
They got a code ring or something.
Good evening, Manchester, Ohio, San Diego.
Jack Valente, please.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, Mr. Valente.
Speaking.
Hi, this is Guest Relations.
We'd like to send up a complimentary fruit basket and a bottle of champagne and or wine.
What would you prefer, sir?
Oh, I think red wine would be better.
Okay, and confirm your room number, please.
32-12.
Thank you, sir.
It'll be right up.
Oh, yeah.
How do you like that?
I thought that was good.
Good, right?
Fucking brilliant.
We got our first number now.
Motherfucker.
Oh, shit.
You like that, huh?
Hell yes.
I could have talked him out of his credit card number just for fucking the fuck of it.
That was...
You left me a number for angry black, black baby.
So what are we doing now that we have a room number?
Hey, what do we want to do?
You can start capitalizing.
You've got the names of the people.
Let WC sell him some snake oil.
All right.
So we're going to call him back, you mean?
Yeah.
But what were we doing that we needed to get a room number?
Well, what we're trying to do is find out what the other,
so we can start asking for, like, can I have room 3210?
Yeah, but then they ask you.
They're all probably going to be on the same floor.
Yeah, but they ask you the name of the person you're trying to connect to,
not just the room number.
Okay.
Well, unless there's a way to dial in straight.
Sometimes you can do that.
You say, well, you just called me and told me 3210.
Most of them will let you dial straight in.
So what do we do?
You just ask the operator how to dial it in.
Yeah, how to dial direct.
All right, well, I'll put you on the line with the operator.
You figure that out because now you got me confused.
Let me try.
Can you give me the address of Grand Heights, San Diego?
Yes, sir.
Hello?
How may I help you, sir?
Yes, sir.
I'm trying to find out.
I got a room number of a young lady, and I'm just trying to find out how to dial direct.
You have to call to us to get there.
3210.
Last name and the guest?
What's that?
What's the last name of the guest?
I don't know.
I just met her down in the lobby.
She just gave me a room number.
Her name is Lucille.
Right.
She has a good idea right there in the chat room.
Mailbox 3210.
One moment, please.
You are being transferred, and a Grand Hyatt operator will assist you.
Oh, yeah.
Carlito is saying now we can send shit to his room.
Yes.
Yes.
All right.
So how do we do that?
Call and then get connected with the restaurant or room service.
Okay.
Okay, okay, let's do that.
All right, you do it, you do it.
Yeah, can you connect me with room service, please?
My pleasure, it's my next day.
Do it, do it.
Order him a bunch of champagne and food.
What's the last name?
What's the last name?
Twelve.
Jack Valenti.
Room service ain't too fucking fast.
Okay, fucking Carlito.
Carlito is saying, no, no, no, no, call fucking male escorts in the area and pizzas.
Send them a whole bunch of shit.
He's going to get the name.
i'm gonna send it to carlito he wants a name all right and the room number carlito get back
on the air and we should call him back and tell him uh actually um we ran out of champagne
and uh in all actuality we're sending him over uh a massage therapist and we'll send the mail
escort right does he prefer does he prefer does he prefer male or man no no we're just
telling we're sending over a massage therapist instead at what time would be convenient for him
Find out if any of these others, if he's got the room number for any of these other guys.
Most of them answered, remember?
All right, so what are we doing?
Let's just go, man.
We're looking up some escort numbers.
What's this black guy is really mad?
I don't know.
Somebody called in and told me it's some angry-ass fucking guy.
That's all you need to know.
Oh, well, then all right.
We must call.
I got tons of numbers, tons of escort numbers in San Diego.
Okay, let's do it.
Hey, Don, this is your local KKK.
We're looking for donations.
Sir, would you like to donate any money to your local Ku Klux Klan?
He didn't sound like an angry black guy.
I was looking for some pacified hormone.
Hello?
Yeah, how you doing?
Hello?
Yeah, how you doing?
Hi, who you calling for?
Oh, this is your local KKK.
We're looking for donations.
I'm sorry, don't call back here again, please.
Uh, I hope you're not one of those people who...
Hello, god damn it.
Call back, you mother...
Call back.
...will ever ask me not to call back in a polite manner.
Who wants to know what the name of that hotel is?
San Diego.
What is it?
San Diego.
And just a grand hi has joined the chat room. Hello MacGyver. These people are adamant. They're not going to answer it
Alright, we're gonna call over to the Grand Hyatt. I'm gonna ask for room service again
Don't we have an escorts number out in San Diego where we could send him a male escort?
Room service, please
My pleasure.
Good to see you.
I say my pleasure.
Hi.
Service.
How are you doing?
This is Mr. Valente in room 3212.
I'm about to come into the hotel in 15 minutes, and I'm bringing you a lady.
We'd like to have some champagne delivered to my room, please.
3212?
3212.
Jack Valente.
Can you spell your last name for me?
V-A-L-E-N-T-I.
Will the room service be able to bring it right into the room, even though I'm not there?
Okay.
A champagne?
Yes.
Yes, what do you have?
Fresh champagne with lemon dour,
and I'm hiding there.
And Don Perignon.
Okay, no Cristal?
Excuse me?
No Cristal?
No.
I'll take the Don.
Make that two bottles on ice
and bring strawberries if you can.
Don Perignon, two bottles?
Yes, and strawberries.
And one chocolate strawberry?
Yes, yes, chocolate strawberries, of course.
Do you have candles?
Candles?
What type of candles, Mr. Valente?
Just a candle of some sort
so I can lower the lights and have a candle.
Okay.
And how long before you...
And you want this in how many minutes?
As soon as possible, because I'm actually pulling up to the hotel within like five minutes.
Okay.
I'd like it there.
The server will be up in half an hour. Would that be fine?
All right. I'll try to drive around the block a few times with her,
because I'd like it in the room before I get there.
Okay. You'd like it in the room before you came in?
Yes.
Okay. We'll do it then.
Two bottles of non-perineal tuxedo strawberry with candle.
Right, the chocolate-covered, and the chocolate-covered strawberries, of course.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
My manager said that we can take candles to the room.
Okay, that's fine.
I'll just, you know, I'll figure out something.
I'll throw my shirt over the lamp and make it darker.
Okay.
You ever see anybody do that?
Serving two person, Mr. Melantes?
Yes, ma'am.
Okay.
We'll be up soon.
Thank you so, so much.
Thank you.
You're in 3212, right?
That is correct.
3212?
That's correct.
Okay.
Okay, thank you.
Bye-bye.
Okay, he'll be getting two bottles of Dom.
Remember, you're the complimentary thing, so he's going to really be tripping.
Yeah, yeah, right.
He's thinking that shit's coming for free.
He's going to accept it, of course, and sign off on it.
Dude, let's send him so much shit, dude.
Dude, I was trying to tell you, order red beluga caviar, man.
That shit's like, one egg is like 20 bucks.
You think?
Expensive.
We got over 30 gals in Carl's bed.
Hold on.
Good evening, Manchester.
I'm Haya Sandevan.
Room service, please.
It's my pleasure for the making.
You too.
too. Sir, this is right how
may I assist you? Hi, this is Mr. Valente.
I had just placed an order. Yes, Mr. Valente?
Uh, yeah, I was wondering, do you have
any caviar by any chance? Excuse me?
Do you have any caviar by any chance?
I'm sorry, I didn't get it.
Caviar. Caviar?
No, we don't. No. Okay.
Uh, that'll be fine then. Thank you so much
for your time. Okay. Can I have your
first name, please? Jack. Jack?
Okay, thank you so much.
Okay, thank you. Bye-bye. Good thing I had the name in front of me.
He almost got some... Hey, we got
We got big and beautiful.
San Diego to California to escort agents.
Let's dedicate that one to PM.
All right, where's the number?
I am at 10 a.m.
And now fucking Khalido's saying,
and then you guys need to call him and follow up and say,
that's what telemarketer faggots get.
Yeah.
Now put me on your no-call list.
That's fucking great.
We've got to give it time to fester and get up.
It's a half hour.
It's going to be beautiful.
Yeah, well, that's what she said.
It's going to be a half hour.
I can't.
I can't.
I've got to go to bed.
i gotta be in it seven in the morning means i gotta get up at six you got gold too
man i know the suffering of one of the one of the head of the chairmen of the uh whole convention
here he's probably like one of the leaders in the whole united states this guy's top of the list
that was the order of the uh the order of the names was their importance that was the number
two guy oh really yeah nice i should call i should call back i should call back the room service
and tell them, to tell the person who's bringing it up,
to make believe it's complimentary just to make me look like a big, you know, shot.
So this way the guy will actually say to him it's complimentary and he'll think it.
Yeah, to surprise the other guests.
Right, so that the person in my room will think that I'm a big shot.
All right, Reclude just sent me the number of Farad over 40, does it say?
Farad?
Yeah, some old broad.
All right.
DM, this one's for you, buddy.
Is it 858?
858.
Okay.
You've already got the time posted in the chat.
We're going to call back.
Okay.
Hello?
Yeah, how you doing?
My name is Jack.
What's up?
Are you going to be working tonight?
Yeah, I'm working right now.
What are you up to?
A hotel and everything like that.
How much are you charging?
If it's just me by yourself, it's $150 an hour.
$150 for the hour?
Right.
And what did you say about $50, though?
What's that?
What did you say about $50?
$150.
No, but you said some other price for something earlier.
No, I didn't.
I don't know if you're talking to somebody else.
No, no, no.
All right, that's okay.
And you're a big girl?
Me?
I'm a little thick, but how big are you looking for?
Well, I don't know.
I was looking for a big girl, but, I mean, you know, anything is nice.
Okay, well, what hotel are you at?
I'm sorry?
What hotel are you at?
I'm in room 312.
What hotel?
What hotel?
What?
312.
What hotel?
Hyatt.
Oh, I meant the Hyatt.
The Hyatt.
Oh, she hung up, man.
Dude, I was whispering into the microphone to you and putting her microphone away so
she couldn't hear me whisper, but you weren't answering me.
I didn't know you were calling me.
But you shouldn't whisper back to me.
You're supposed to talk in a normal voice.
Did you get the big and beautiful one?
I think so, yeah.
Oh, no, I think I called Farrah.
It's Manchester Grand Hyatt.
I'm going to send it to you.
Manchester Grand Hyatt.
Okay.
Fucking morons.
Don't say it.
I love you, and I'll check your wife.
Okay, we're calling big and beautiful now.
What is it?
Manchester Grand Hyatt?
Get off your big fat fucking ass you cunt and answer the phone, I need a blow job, now.
I got fucking money, you got lips, suck the money out of my cock.
Get on the phone.
Whore.
You lazy fat fucking cunt.
I need more number.
I need that to come in handy one day.
Alright, we're calling, we're calling Legs.
Can we get a guy?
Is there any man ones?
I'm trying to find some.
I don't see any.
Let me just do a Google.
You Google, and I'll walk the legs.
What the hell am I at?
Somebody's asking.
What?
What's somebody asking?
What hotel am I at?
What hotel am I at?
Yeah.
No, really.
Manchester Grand Hyatt, San Diego.
What do you need?
Yeah, I'm in the Manchester Grand Hyatt.
Uh-huh.
I need a young lady, I guess.
What are you planning to check for the car?
It's going to be cash.
It says $150.
That's for lingerie and a back rub only.
Any details?
If I take any of it, I'm going to have a lady call you back.
All right.
Well, I'm at the Manchester Grand Hyatt.
I'll give you my cell number.
My room.
You want to take my room number also?
Yeah, I want the room number and the hotel phone number.
Well, you can call the hotel, but I'd rather you not because, you know.
They're going to call the hotel as well just to verify you're in that room.
Oh, okay.
All right.
But let me see.
It's the Grand Hyatt, of course, and the room number is 3212.
Jack Valente.
Valente, I just didn't want to give that out.
You know, I'm kind of trying to be private here.
V-A-L-E-N-T-I.
Okay.
And your first name?
Jack.
I didn't.
Not a problem.
And the number to the hotel?
What are you saying?
The phone number to the hotel.
Oh, jeez.
I think I got it somewhere here in my wallet.
It should be right there on the phone.
No, I'm not in the lobby right now.
Give me a minute here to locate the number.
I got the card in my wallet somewhere.
It's 619-232-1234.
All right.
Well, are they going to call me at my room?
Yeah.
Oh, I mean, I'm not in the room.
I'm standing here.
Okay.
Well, how long until you're in the room?
I'll be there in ten minutes, but I'm in the lobby right now.
I was going to give you my cell number to call back, but I mean...
I'll call your own in about ten minutes.
Very good.
I thought they'd just call and see if I was registered there.
I didn't want them...
What a bitch.
Man, this is getting good.
He's going to get all kinds of fucking door pounding.
Carlito?
Hey, what's up?
Yeah, yeah, it's Carlito again.
Hey, what's up?
What's up, brother?
I'm not going to sleep now.
This is too good.
Yeah, I know.
We got something going here.
Yeah.
All right, so come on, man.
Help me out.
Take over a little bit.
Get your phone hooked up.
No, I can't. It's impossible. I don't have enough battery. It's not going to work out, man.
The phone hasn't been charged all day.
Your audio is better, Carlito. Just talk it up, man.
There's an alarm and dial it for him, maybe.
All right, cool.
Yeah, exactly.
Who am I dialing?
What do you want to do? I'll give you those guys' names again.
Tim Searcy, I think, is the president of this whole fucking thing.
But we don't know his room number yet.
We've only got one room number, Jack Valente.
Well, let's concentrate on Valente, man.
Okay, 30 people, Jack Valente.
Hook me up with some pizza in San Diego.
I need a male massage therapist or something, a masseuse.
We're on it.
What do you got to do, man?
Shop off.
You are peeping.
Hey, since you didn't telemarketer, let's call this room and do like a survey of the hotel.
Well, let's do that to the president.
Let's talk with the president like a reverse telemarketing thing.
Yeah, okay.
Where's the number of the president?
I mean, what's the name of the president?
Tim Searcy.
I'm sending it to you now.
Yeah, send it to him.
We're going to call back to the hotel and ask for Tim Searcy.
Connection to Searcy, S-E-A-R-C-Y, Tim Searcy's room.
Pleasure.
This guy's picture, too.
What's he look like?
Some white guy who's got a big nose.
He kind of looks like, what's the guy who directed JFK?
All right, we got Domino's Pizza in San Diego.
Pizza, all right.
Pizza.
There's his picture.
sure. I posted his picture link in the chat room if you want to see him. You got all the
information you need, Carlito? I've got a letter he wrote and everything. I mean, his
room number and where to send the pizza to. 3112? 3212. Thanks for calling Domino's. To
hear our specials, please stay on the line. Please be aware that a $1.75 charge will be
added on delivered orders. To bypass this message, press 3 at any time. Our large pizza
Your call is being transferred to a team member.
Dominus Pizza.
Hello there.
Hi, thanks.
Great.
My name is Jim Valente, and I would like a pizza pie.
Can I get your phone number, please?
My phone number?
Yes, your phone number.
Well, I'm not sure.
I'm calling you from the hotel right now.
Can I get your phone number to the hotel, please?
Let me see if I can find it here in my papers.
It's 619-232-1234.
Yes, the Manchester Grand Hyatt here in San Diego.
What hotel are you staying at?
I'm at the Manchester Grand Hyatt.
What street is that on?
What is the name?
Let me find the toiletries here.
Hang on just one moment.
It's on Marketplace, 1 Marketplace.
Can you want to call our downtown location?
Can you give me the number, please?
The number is 238-2323.
How dare you not help me?
Hello?
How dare you not help me out?
Yeah, the number there is 238-2323.
I heard you, you fat fucking cunt.
Now shut the fuck up.
Shut the phone, you fucking bitch.
It's not helping us, you goddamn cunts.
But you're eating a lot of that pizza, aren't you?
You baby gorilla.
You fucking pie hole.
Now you get up there and eat that sausage.
Take it like a woman.
She's still there.
Yeah, I'm laughing really hard.
You guys are so funny.
You're cracking me up.
Why don't you go up and get a life?
Do you ever stick any of that sausage in your hole?
Let me tell you something.
I'm Jack Valente.
I'm Jack Valente.
I'm important.
Now you give me your manager now.
I'm Jack Valente.
Hey, listen there, folks.
Now she hung up.
Now she hung up.
Oh, damn it.
She knows.
Stop running your ass, bitch.
Because I'm Jack Valente.
That's why.
All right.
What's the number I'm supposed to call now?
I don't know.
Okay.
Someone get that number?
That's the downtown number for Domino's.
What's the area code?
238-232-619.
619.
Just tell it to me.
I call over there.
619.
I can't say it over the air.
Say it, damn it.
238-232-3.
232-3.
Why can't you say it over the air?
I never understand that.
You're called as being transferred to a team member.
Called as being transferred to a team member.
Condominator, this is Lakefield 211.
I said hurry up.
Boonie wants to join in the conference.
We'll be fucking starving by the time she gets to us.
Jack Valente.
Can I help you?
Yes, hello.
This is Jack Valente.
How are you, sir?
I'm doing good, thank you.
Good evening.
Good, sir.
I'm Jack Valente, and I'm going to need some pizza pies in my room tonight.
What's your telephone number?
uh i'm over here at the uh the manchester grand hyatt uh do you have a hotel telephone number
um i i do i do that would be just give me one moment here damn you uh six one nine two three
two one two three four is the main number for the hotel i'm in 3212 or 3212 i'm jack valente
you're in the room three two one two yeah just just tell them it's jack valente they'll know
know who I am. I'm Jack Valente. So the room is 3212, right? I drive a Dodge Stratus. I'm Jack
Valente. Is your last name? Valente, V like Victor, A-L-E-N-T-I. The driver will give you
a call when you're ready. You have to come down. You don't go in the room. You have to come down?
Yeah. You come down. Okay, we'll just have them speak to Jack Valente, 3212, and I'll come right
Right down.
Okay, no problem.
Yeah, carry on.
All right.
Okay, and what is your order, sir?
Okay, well, what kind of specials do you have?
I'm Jack Valente.
The two last one topping pizza with the chicken and two of the coke for $24.99.
$24.99.
Four of those.
Hello?
Can I get two orders of those, please?
Okay, and what toppings for the pizza?
What toppings do you have?
Do you have ground beef?
Can I get a carry-on topping?
Anchovy.
Hello?
Do you have ground beef?
Yes.
Do you have anchovies?
Anchovies.
Okay.
I trust you're writing these down.
Pepperoni.
So one pepperoni?
No, no, no.
Okay, fine.
One of them, pepperoni, extra cheese, a little bit of that green pepper there.
Do you have any of that sausage?
Daddy.
Yeah.
Pork sausage on mine.
Okay, I want pork sausage, Daddy.
Okay.
One moment, please.
Be quiet, sir.
Jack Valente.
I have to deal with this.
Okay.
Give me that on two of the pizzas.
The other one, do you do Hawaiian pizza, sir?
Yes.
Let me get a Hawaiian pizza.
So you want two of them and with extra cheese, pepperoni, green pepper, and sausage?
That's right.
Two of them?
Yes, that's right.
Okay, Jack.
You ready for the other two now?
Jack Valente.
Okay, what do you want to put on the second pizza?
Jack Valente wants two Hawaiian pizzas.
Jack Valente wants one of them also to have extra cheese and bacon.
Oh, wait, wait. We only have four pizzas.
Oh, that's right. Well, on the four pizzas, we're talking about the other two.
You want Hawaiian, right? Extra cheese, ham, and pineapple.
Yes, exactly.
What kind of chicken do you want? Hot or barbecuing?
Barbecue? How hot is hot? Is that American hot?
I don't know if it's American, but it's pretty hot.
I hope so. Please don't let me down. Go ahead and make that double hot if you can.
Two hot wings? And what kind of soda?
What do you have there, non-carbonated?
I have Coke, Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper, orange, and Sprite.
Go ahead and give me orange, and we're also going to need a Sprite.
Also, it's a two-liter Sprite.
So you want one orange and one Sprite.
And what do you want?
Dr. Pepper, Daddy!
Okay, Dr. Pepper also.
So, wait, one orange, one Dr. Pepper?
Yes.
And one Sprite.
That's correct.
Hello?
That's correct, I say.
Okay.
Anything else?
I'm Jim Valente, and I need to go.
I'm Jack Valente.
How are you paying for those pizzas?
Excuse me.
How are you paying?
Cash, credit?
Cash, cash, or cash.
All cash.
Okay.
So you're in room 3212?
That's right.
And, okay, your total is $74.58.
Oh, excellent.
Hello?
Yes, I'm Jack Valente.
Yeah, Jack Valente thanks you very much.
Okay, in about half an hour, the driver will call you, and you have to come down.
All right?
Wonderful, I will come down. Throw a robe and I will come down. Sir, what is your name?
Blanco.
Beautiful. Blanco?
All right.
Like white?
What is your name, sir?
Excuse me?
What is your name?
My name is Blanco.
Blanco. B-L-A-N-C-O?
Yeah.
Like white?
Yeah, almost.
Are you Mexican?
No.
Where are you? Colombian?
Hello?
Yes, are you Colombian?
Okay, anything else for you?
No, no, that is all. I just wanted to make small talk.
Oh, no problem. Okay.
I'm Jack Valenti.
I'll be here in about half an hour. All right?
Okay, Blanco.
I'll see you soon.
No problem.
Thanks very much.
Okay.
Bye, Blanco.
I'm Jack Valente.
All right.
Reclude just fucking sent me like 20 different numbers of pizza places in that area.
Holy shit.
Dude, we should just keep ordering every fucking place downtown.
Order the same thing.
Order the same food, like a Hawaiian pizza with green peppers and onions.
Yeah.
Pork sausage, daddy.
Pork sausage.
Exactly.
Dr. Pepper, he's just going to have tons and tons of orders coming in for that.
Dr. Pepper.
And, hey, can we order him flowers?
Like from, yeah, we can order flowers from the hotel
and have them put on the card from the American people.
Yeah, something like that, you know what I mean?
From the adoring members of the American Telemarketers Federation.
Exactly, from your customers.
your customers we can put on there that's what we should do right there now we're just gonna sit
here and go yeah you're being rude so uh why you're just sitting there we're gonna talk 10
minutes to call back i'm laughing my ass off at you guys i'm jack valente good evening manchester
grand high san diego where may i direct your call i'm jack valente i need to speak jack valente
Valente.
Valente.
Talk to Jack now.
Who, me?
Yeah.
I have a list for that name.
Valente.
Valente, please.
Valente, please.
Valente.
Hello?
V.
V.
Valente.
Aye, man.
Room 3212, please.
She hung up, the bitch.
The bitch.
Just ask for 3212 from now on.
All right.
Yeah.
Somebody just joined the room.
Who is there, Commander, to speak?
Good evening, Mentor.
Second High, San Diego.
May I direct a call?
3212, please.
Name of the guest, please.
Valente.
Thank you, sir.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello, Silsa.
Mr. Valente.
Yes, this is Jack Valente.
This is David Robinson, and I'm calling on behalf of Mr. Searcy.
How are you, sir?
I beg your pardon?
I'm calling on behalf of Mr. Searcy.
Tim Searcy.
I don't know Mr. Searcy.
Searcy.
Searcy, sir.
Tim Searcy.
CEO of the ATA.
Tim Searcy.
Oh, the ATA?
Yes, sir.
Somebody from the ATA calling me?
No, I'm calling on behalf of him.
He needs to meet with you immediately downstairs in the lobby.
Something urgent.
Well, somebody was supposed to meet me, and they didn't, so I came on upstairs.
It's regarding the merger.
I beg your pardon?
It's regarding the merger.
I'm sorry, I can't hear you very well.
It's regarding the merger.
We need to see you downstairs regarding the merger.
You need to meet with Mr. Searcy immediately.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm not involved in any merger.
Well, you are involved, sir.
You need to come down to me.
Okay, wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.
I hung up on him.
Call back and tell him that you're that guy
And he wants you to pick up pizzas
Bring them back to the room
They'll be outside, they'll be calling you
Pick up the pizzas
And then bill up to Searcy
No, tell him to pay for it
Tell him to pay for it, that you're Searcy
And you want him to pick up the pizzas
Wait, what am I doing now? I'm sorry
You're going to tell him you're the head of whatever it is, Searcy
And tell him that you want him to go downstairs
When the pizza comes and pick it up
and bring it back to his room.
Reclude, let Reclude, he knows my voice.
Let Reclude do it with his W.C. Fields voice.
No, no, no, no, don't do a fake voice.
Don't do a fake voice.
Just use a different voice.
Make him use a man voice.
Let Reclude do it.
All right.
He turned me, he turned you.
Okay, Reclude, Reclude.
Yeah.
Listen, make him pay for the pizzas
and bring them back to his room
and you're going to meet him up in his room
in a half hour, 40 minutes.
Who should I say I am, Tim Searcy?
Yeah.
Reclude, I'm going to send you a link
to his information, okay?
Hang on.
Like high tech, man
I've done the espionage here, trust me
I'm sending it to you in the chat room
This is great, tell them, listen
It's Tim Searcy, I'm having some pizzas sent over to the hotel
They're going to call your room when it gets there
I want you to go downstairs, pay the guy for the pizzas
Bring them back to your room, I'm going to be over
I told them to look for Jack Valente
From eating down in the lobby
Right, tell them that you're also having some champagne and stuff sent over
and a few of the associates are going to come over and have a conversation with him.
Okay, rec.
Real quick point.
Tim Searcy says that he's the only one with the intent of fighting the do not call registry.
So he's an asshole.
That's what you're going to talk about.
You're going to call about the do not talk, you know, do not call registry.
Yeah.
Who's doing this?
Reclude.
Okay, good, good.
Straight voice, Reclude.
How much do you think you can handle it, Carlito?
I'm calling my address in the high city.
How many hours do I get to call?
32.12, please.
I'm trying to speak.
Hello, I'm going to speak to Mr. Jack Valente.
This is he speaking.
Yes, I apologize for all the inconveniences.
This is Tim Searcy.
And what we're doing right now, we want to have a little meeting because there's stuff going on.
If you could just go downstairs and there's a bunch of pizzas waiting to be picked up.
And if you could just pay for those and bring them back up to the room, we're going to have a meeting.
You're breaking up.
Are you on a cell phone?
Yes, I am.
It's breaking up.
I didn't hear you.
Can you say it again?
Downstairs.
Yes.
I have the pizzas.
At where?
Downstairs in the lobby.
Yes.
What's going on in the lobby?
Well, we need you to pick up some pizzas and bring them back to your room.
I'm sorry, pick up what?
We're going to have a meeting.
The pizzas, the food.
Let me try it over on the other side of the room.
Hold on a second.
Okay, can you hear me better now, sir?
I can hear you a little better.
Yes.
What am I supposed to pick up?
The pizzas.
Oh, no, I'm just getting ready to go to bed.
No, wait.
We're going to have a meeting.
This is very important.
A meeting about what?
About the Do Not Call register.
I beg your pardon?
About the Do Not Call list.
The Do Not Call list?
I'm sorry, I don't follow you at all.
Okay, you know how they published a Do Not Call list?
Yes.
Okay, well, we're going to have to fight that.
And we're going to have a special meeting in about 15 minutes.
Well, I know, but what does that have to do with me?
Well, we're going to be part of it.
I'm sorry, I'm here to make a speech tomorrow.
Yes, that's what I'm talking about.
We need to talk about that as well.
It's very important that you go down there, pick up the pieces,
come back to your room, and then me and the other members will meet with you.
All right, I'm just about ready.
I understand that, sir, but believe me, this is very important.
Well, I'll come down.
Do not call registry.
I beg your pardon?
I know nothing about this.
I don't know what you're talking about, to be honest.
That's why we're going to explain it to you.
Hello, sir.
Hello.
Hello.
Can you hear me better now?
Well, my other phone is ringing.
That's the pizza delivery, sir.
Can you please go down and get it?
We'll be up to you room to dust the dude.
I don't want his pizza.
No, we're all going to come up and we're going to discuss the do not call registry.
Can you please answer the phone?
Hold on.
I'll let him call.
Where are you right now?
We're on our way over to the hotel right now.
We're calling from cell phone.
Answer the phone so you can get the number of this guy.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Can you hear me?
Can't.
Stop ringing.
I can hear you.
Yes, I can hear you.
Okay.
Well, they're going to call you when the pizzas are being delivered from Domino's.
You pick them up.
We'll be there in less than 15 minutes.
We'll have a quick get-together.
We're going to have the call registry conversation so you know what you're talking about tomorrow
during the, you know.
Well, I'll come right down to the lobby and...
Well, you've got to wait for them to call you, sir.
You've got to wait for them to call you when the pizza gets there because they're going to call your room.
You pick them up.
We'll come on over in 15 minutes.
We'll have a quick half-hour conversation, and then we'll all go to sleep and get ready for tomorrow.
Let me just say again, by my time, it's about 11.30.
Right.
I don't have any pizza.
I don't know why they're delivering it up here.
No, I ordered it.
I'm the CEO.
I ordered it.
i need to have a little get together with you men well i'll be delighted to meet you just tell me
where you want me to meet you i'm going to be knocking on your door in less than a half hour
my friend all right so wait for the phone call that
we were getting some kind of crazy people are
popping in and out of our room now i don't know listen i'm going to send you a new number yeah
and i'm sending out to everybody just in our conference room because somebody's popping our
number and screwing up your call oh well it was it was probably nunu i sent i think you knew the
the number or something. No, Nunu's not here. No, wait, let me see. Whoever it was is screwing
our call up, so I'm going to change the number, okay? So everybody's going to get the new
number. All right. Oh, no, it was Boonie. It was Boonie. Well, he's screwing the call
up. Well, let Boonie get back in now, and then he won't have to pop in and out during
the call. See if he can get any audio. Tell him to come in now. Boonie. He's on the air
because... Are you there, Boonie? He was getting a call from the pizzeria, or at least
somebody yeah this is a half hour mark this is probably the half hour exactly a half hour ago
so we ordered the uh strawberries it is starting this is great hey uh did we get a prostitute over
there or not i don't think so no we need to reorder one yeah what last one hung up
black one we got set a black one has to be black or overweight we need to send a guy over there
I got it, too.
I'm telling you, a mail masseuse would be awesome, too.
I had a couple numbers.
I think I sent them in the IM.
You sent them in the chat room.
I saw one that was a pizza weapon.
I sent them directly to Zolar.
Who?
Zolar.
Scroll up on your messages.
Who sent them?
I did.
Recluse.
Oh, to the pizzerias?
No, they got a couple mail masseuses.
Is it in the chat room, instant message?
Yeah.
It's way under all the 20,000 pizza things I sent you.
No, there's nothing under there except for we should order so many pizzas every pizza place in town.
Huh.
Let me set it again.
You're logged in twice.
I'll tell you something, though.
Send me and I'll send him.
All right, listen.
What do we do?
We call him back, Carlito, and tell him what?
Tell him, um, him?
Uh, I don't know.
I thought we were going to get him a masseuse.
We need to give him some time.
We're going to call back later and see if what happened with the pizzas, what happened with the champagne,
if he's going to say, you know, someone's sending stuff over.
over. We can call him and ask him if he's got an old account. Whenever he gets from
the hotel, he'll be like, yeah, there has to be a pick. I can't think.
Tell him to put it on the tab, you know, for the ATA. Just go ahead and put it on the tab.
Well, we need to get, we need to call as, we need to get hold of this Tim Searcy guy
again, because he's the CEO of the whole.
Yeah, but he's obviously sleeping and not answering his phone.
Yeah, he's probably doing one of his salesmen. He looks like he would not approve.
All right, so should we ask him if he got his complimentary champagne and strawberries yet?
It's been almost a half hour.
It's getting close.
Let's send him a hooker and then we'll do it.
Get a hooker, right, exactly.
Send him a game of things.
Let's see if he got his champagne.
Good night, San Diego.
May I direct your call?
32-12.
Hello?
Yeah, did you get your complimentary champagne and strawberries from the hotel services yet, man?
Yes, we got that.
Okay, and are you enjoying that?
I don't drink hard liquor before I go to bed.
Can you verify what bottles they sent you, sir?
I told them to send it back because I was getting ready to go to bed,
and I'm out of here early in the morning, so I had no need for anything.
But, sir, when I spoke to you, you said you would like champagne.
No, I didn't. I said I'd like some wine.
I mean wine. Oh, so they didn't send the wine?
Not the wine, yes.
And you sent it back?
No, I didn't send the wine back. I sent the champagne back.
Who am I talking to?
This is Jack Dempsey.
Are you with ATA?
No, I'm not, sir. I'm with the hotel. I'm in public relations.
Well, at any rate, I sent the champagne back because I was not going to be using it.
There's no sense in letting it sit here in isolation, but I do have the wine.
And what about the strawberries, sir?
I have all of that, yes.
Are you going to eat the strawberries, sir?
No, I'm probably not going to do that.
All right, that's fine.
I mean, it's not necessary that you eat them, but I just wanted to make sure that you got them.
Did you notice what kind of champagne that we sent you, sir?
No, I didn't.
That was Dom Perignon, sir.
That was one of our finest champagnes in the hotel.
I know that, but since I'm not going to drink it, I thought it would be foolish to open it up for one glass.
And I just sent it back so you could use it for somebody else.
I see.
Well, you enjoy your day tomorrow, and good luck on your speech, my good man.
Thank you.
All right.
Enjoy.
Valente is speaking at 9 a.m. tomorrow.
He's already got the wine and strawberry.
Oh, my God.
Take a little $74 a piece.
Guys, seriously, Jack Valente is speaking at 9 o'clock.
We should keep bothering him up until he gets it, please.
Yeah, I'll keep it.
Well, I don't want to just send that one cup.
You can send it to somebody else.
He's still going to get charged for those two bottles.
Yeah, he is.
Like 50 bucks a bottle or 100 bucks.
Are you kidding me?
Don Perignon has about 150 bucks a bottle in the hotel.
I knew it was up there, dude.
I drink Mad Dog.
But he kept the strawberries.
Hey, cool.
And he's got himself a nice bottle of wine.
So the pizza should be on its way.
We got to get a hooker.
I gave you two numbers of male masseuses.
Okay, hold on a second.
We're looking in recluse messaging here, and we've got, what does it say?
Carlson Ginny?
Yeah, I think so.
Is that a girl?
I think it's a dude.
Let's see.
Ginny, I think that's his last name.
Is it 650?
858.
Oh, it's 858, okay.
Okay, okay, and Carlito, since you have all the information, you do the talking, okay?
How to send the hooker over?
Okay, I'll try, yeah.
Yeah, you got the hotel name and address and room number.
Jack Valente, get the hooker.
Male prostitute.
Jack Valente.
If you'd like a white girl, press one.
If you'd like a black girl, press number two.
Hey, is that a poop reference?
Uh-huh.
I don't know what this other number is that recluse sent.
I think it's another hooker.
Fifty and under.
What do you mean?
Yes, good evening.
Yes, hello, this is Jack Valente.
Who am I speaking with?
This is Jennifer.
I'm Jack Valente, and I'm here in town for the conference, the ATA conference, the convention.
I'm over here at the Manchester Hyatt.
Would you be able to come up to my room and provide me some, whatever, you know what I mean, right?
Can you come up, you know, for that?
Yeah, I have ladies that would be able to do that.
If I can get your name and number, I can have someone call you.
It's 150-CASH or 175-BY-CREDIT.
$50 cash or $175 by credit card.
Well, I got that cash.
Okay, well, do you want me to have someone call you?
Yeah, sure.
Have her call me here at room 212.
Room what?
3212.
And the phone number?
Check here.
It's 619-232-1234.
What kind of girl is going to be calling me?
What is your name?
My name is Jack Valente.
What kind of girl do you want?
Jack Valente.
What kind of girls do you have?
What kind of girl do you want?
uh what what do you have in african girls as in what girls black girls okay
what's what's the largest black girl you have how big of a girl is it
300 oh yeah 300 oh yeah 300 pounds most definitely can't we do that
yeah that's her name speaking to anybody she talking she said she's gonna have a
call you back i guess when she hung up the bitch all right so jack valente should be getting a
phone call from a big black bitch and a couple of fucking uh pizzas will be on the way
and a bottle of wine
We need to order towels real quick though, just towels, towels, towels, steam towels.
Towels and pillows and ice.
Let's order Jack some towels and pillows and stuff.
Gay massages.
Do you think that fits?
Hi, Sonny.
How may I direct your call?
Yeah, hi.
It's Jack Valente in 3212.
I'm calling from my cell phone.
Okay, what mode is, sir?
Ma'am, ma'am.
Sir?
Yes, I'm in pain.
I'm very sorry.
I need your assistance.
I'm in room 3212, and I've fallen in the bathtub.
I hit my neck on the freaking toilet bowl, and I can't get up.
Can you please send somebody up here and call an ambulance?
Okay, what is your room number?
I'm in 3212, Jack Valente.
Oh, okay.
I want to kill Mr. Valente.
Okay, I'll send my manager right away.
The door is locked.
I don't think I put the emergency lock on it, but but I'm gonna need an ambulance. I'm bleeding
Hurry, please. Oh my god. Oh my god
Fuck the towel send me an ambulance
I got shit running down my ass. Hurry. Oh, God, that's so great. That's the cap. I love telemarketers, don't you? I don't think we can do anything else. No, we about killed it, man. So I'm going to cut the stream. I really appreciate anybody who's still out there. Really, I do. I got to say, you fucking people are the best. Thank you for making my night.
Hey, one big hit for Mr. Noonoo, Sir Noonoo, who came up with the fantastic idea, brilliant, brilliant scheme.
And thank you so much Zolar and Zolar Vision and all the guest callers that made this possible.
Just one brilliant, brilliant show.
Yeah, I got to say that I had an ultimate amount of fun on this fucking show tonight with all you guys.
It was Reclude and Milkman and fucking Carlito that made this fucking show so goddamn great tonight.
And Jack Valente.
And Jack Valente, because, hi, I'm Jack Valente.
What's happening?
Are we quitting, or?
Yeah, unless you want to take over the show, buddy.
No, I've got to get to sleep, man.
It's two.
That's my limit.
Yeah, me too.
I really do.
I've got to go back.
I've got to go to bed, or I'm never going to get up in the morning.
All right, man.
Well, great show.
You've got to send me a copy of this show, too.
Oh, totally, man.
This fucking show was hotter than hell.
Oh, yeah.
Classy.
Hotter than hell, baby.
All right, everybody.
All right, everybody.
Say goodnight.
Ciao.
Good night.
Late.
Love you, people.
Janko Underground Radio.
I'm Janko.
I say good night.
Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.
Why don't you shut the hell up?
Fuck you!
Fuck you fucking penis shit!
Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.
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