Conference Special (part 4)

Who the fuck is this?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

Who the fuck is this?

Yeah.

Hey, good evening, everybody.

This is Carlito here.

I just wanted to comment really quickly to let you all know

I will not be doing a show live tonight, unfortunately,

because I have to take an exam in about 45 minutes.

I'll be leaving my home here to go to the university, UCF,

to take my final for the semester, so wish me luck on that.

In the meantime, I'd like to announce that a longtime friend and victim of Madhouse Radio as well as PCU and PCR altogether, Jack Valenti, died earlier today from complications of a stroke that he had last month.

We made a little bit light of his stroke recently in recent calls that we've done on my show, but regardless, he's now dead, and we have lost a tremendous force here in prank calls.

So, after speaking with Zolar, since I can't do a show tonight, instead of leaving you guys with nothing, I've decided to go ahead and play the famous Jack Valenti calls that we did back in September of 2005.

Now, this is a show with me, Carlito, hosted by Zolar, as well as Milkman and Reclude, and we all join in and actually harass Jack Valenti, who died earlier today.

day um he's the former head of the mpaa and he's also a former presidential advisor he was 86 years

old and he's best known for uh um for angering a lot of people for the uh for his work in creating

the movie rating system uh you know the r pg-13 pg and all that shit anyway so uh you know there

was a telemarketers conference and we ended up harassing him all night uh zolar especially did

he had a great time with it zolar told me it was okay to play this tonight so here we are i'm going

going to be playing that, it's about an hour long, it's some very good radio, excellent

prank calls, just to let you know, don't get all pissed off, because they're going to be

mentioning PCU, because back then there was no PCR, Zolar, as you will hear, was a member

of PCU back then, so don't get confused, and I was on as well, but yeah, and after that

we'll play a little bit of Madhouse Best Of, and then we'll end the show tonight at a normal

So I'm sorry to bother you all with this, and with no further ado, here is the Jack Valenti Telemarketers Conference Extravaganza from 2005. Enjoy, everybody. We'll catch you next week at our regular time, hopefully 10 p.m. once again, back to 10 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on the Madhouse. I love you all. Wish me luck on my exam.

exam. Okay, here it is. Oh, I'm cute. She's good. Why is it cute? Thank you very much,

my friend. I do appreciate that. And Miss Zola Vision is very busy trying to get people

interested in the show. Stupid. Oh, who was that I called before and I made believe I

was a girl? What's the number? Give it to me. You have to send it in. Somebody record

record this? Yes. Oh, water. I even ripped fucking Prankmaster. Every time you turn on

my fucking encoders, it starts recording automatically with a new fucking date. Excuse me, Zobar,

do you know that Prankmaster called me about two hours ago here on my personal... No, can

he... Yeah, why didn't you? Record it. Call him right now. Let's call him. I got his

number. Well, he doesn't want to talk to me. He wants to talk to you. Damn, man.

You need to get him on, you know, over fucking $500 a week.

You know, like, you know, like, you know.

It says restart.

Oh, my God.

In that room, milkman, one, two, two, two.

All of internet.

It doesn't seem a lot, but when you look at all the other things that are available

and nobody else is listening to them and we've got the majority of people,

I mean, that's pretty much saying something.

No, actually, I'm not into sports at all.

I've never even been to a sporting event in my entire life.

You ever play any tennis or anything like that?

No, no.

Well, you know, I mean, I've hit the tennis ball around.

I've thrown a football.

I've hit a baseball.

But I've never really participated in sports very much.

I was too busy being a pervert and touching nine-year-olds.

We have a new caller.

Caller, you're on the phone.

There we go, brother.

Hi.

This is Recklood.

Yeah.

All right, Recklood.

We were just wrapping it up.

Oh, damn.

Say goodnight, Recklood.

Goodnight, Recklood.

What's that grade?

We'll just have one more prank.

Yeah, totally.

We can't just walk out without doing just one more prank.

Go ahead, send me the number.

One more.

Come on, give me a number.

All right, let me go to the yellow pages here.

Okay, this is Jessica and Ginger.

Okay, Jessica and Ginger.

Or Samantha, whichever you want.

One girl, 49.

Two girls, 99.

Oh, this is going to be the same number.

No, this is a different number.

Yeah, but it is.

You look and see, these are different numbers.

I'm looking at the list here.

I know, but hopefully you're not using the same number.

Okay, there's that one.

I'm going to send you Samantha for 99.

wait a minute i'm gonna look on my phone and see if i've already dialed that number once before

hold on oh you mean it's a different number yes i see what you're saying a different number okay

now whether she's you know mentioning all the numbers i don't know yeah i think so try these

other ones here in the ccf that's one thing i can suggest that's one good number i got right now

oh the beat oh telemarketing conference shit it's time we forgot about that oh my god that's

the whole premise for the show yeah it's one o'clock it's one o'clock in the morning yeah

Yeah, and that means it's time for them to start answering for some sales on Ginsu knives.

W.C. Fields will sell them snake oil.

I don't know about it.

Look, man, say yay again.

Yeah, baby.

No, no, no, I heard you.

You were like, yay.

Zolar, be sure to get me that saying yay like that and send it to me so I can play it.

I'll isolate that and send it to you.

Please.

I heard it.

Let me do it again so you can get it good.

Yay.

There we go.

Good.

Mark that.

12-53.

There you go.

Tina, write that down.

No.

Here's another one.

You're not writing it down.

Wait, we got a whole bunch of...

Write down 1253.

Carlita, did you just send me a whole bunch of numbers?

I just threw a pen at Athena.

Come on, bitch, throw it back.

I dare you.

I'm trying to make a pipe out of it.

Don't throw it at me, woman.

It's my house.

Hey, just use a potato if you run out.

I'm going to throw a potato.

I don't have potatoes.

I don't have money for potatoes.

How about a paper cube and foil?

All right, we got a very angry black guy answering this phone.

I got it.

How about it?

If I speak to that angry black guy that was on the phone a little earlier.

Angry black guy?

You have the wrong number, sweetie.

I just called and there was an angry black man on the phone.

I'd like to talk to you.

No, you probably won't.

You probably won't.

There's no black guy here.

Is there an angry man that lives there?

Because I want to talk to him.

I'm an idiot, and it's obviously too late because it says black girl answered.

It sounded very angry.

That escort and I think I sent it to you.

All right, I got it right here.

That was her.

Oh, that was her right there? Oh, yeah? Really?

She's a trip. If you call her back, ask for Nautica. She's an escort.

All right, so somebody else gets to try with her.

Milkman, you get to try now. You never got to.

Oh, baby, that's your top lady's brother.

I want to talk to her. I want to talk to her now.

Hey, Nautica Sugar, what you doing, baby?

What you doing, baby? How you doing?

It's Leroy, honey. This is Nautica.

Hey, baby, listen. I got something for you here.

Oh, the bitch on up. The bitch on up.

up. Why did she hang up? All right, let's just do her one more time and you got to talk

a little louder and stuff. Okay. Yeah. Here we go. One more time with this bitch. No,

no, no, no. Come on, baby. All right. Let me give her a shot one time. Oh, she hung

right up. Damn. She didn't even hear my voice. She just hung up thinking it was the same

I wonder if I got my phone on fucking...

It's probably using the same number.

Yeah.

I should block my call.

Hello?

God, she ain't even answering this bitch.

All right.

Give me another number.

Here's a telemarketer's number.

All right.

There we go.

The hotel.

And we need some names.

Take your names.

Two, three, four.

We get one room number.

Carlito.

Carlito?

Yeah.

Are you still in on this or are you going to get going?

I'm going to keep listening.

I'm going to get going.

I got to get some Z's, man.

All right.

Take it easy and have a good night.

Thanks for joining the show.

That's Carlito, everybody.

Everybody listen to the Carlito.

Adios a la mañana.

I will definitely be in listening to Carlito's Madhouse at 9.15 p.m. Thursday on Dispatch Channel.

That was a good outro for him.

It went at the end and everything.

Recluse, you still here?

Yeah, but...

One second.

Good evening, Manchester and Hyatt, San Diego.

Yeah, I'm looking for a Brianna Clark place.

The Grand Hyatt guest you have called is unavailable.

You may leave a private recorded message.

Or fuck her in the ass.

We'll try again

I think

I think W.C. Fields

Has done already

Sort of some snake

Over there, mate

Hey, what's

Frank Master's last name?

Molester

What is it?

Molester

I never knew

Molester

No, that's Chester

Isn't that Chester

Grand High of San Diego?

Where may I direct your call?

Hey, how you doing?

I'm in, uh

Bill Morris

M-O-R-R-I-S

Bill Morris

My pleasure to connect you

Thank you

My pleasure to connect

Your ass to my cock

The Grand High of San

Shut the fuck up

Isn't that just like

Like a fucking telemarketer and not answer your damn phone in punks.

Yeah, right?

They don't like to answer the phone when they're on vacation.

I know, they're fuckers.

They got a code ring or something.

Can you make it to the highest level?

Jack Valente, please.

Yes, sir, Jack.

Hey, Mr. Valente.

Speaking.

Hi, this is Guest Relations.

We'd like to send up a complimentary fruit basket and a bottle of champagne and or wine.

What would you prefer, sir?

Oh, I think red wine would be better.

Okay, and confirm your room number, please.

uh 3212 thank you sir it'll be right up oh yeah how do you like that that was good

i'm good right fucking bring it we got our first number now motherfucker oh shit you like that huh

hell yes i could have talked him out of his credit card number just for fucking um

the fuck of it angry black black dude so what are we doing now that we have a room number

Hey, you can start capitalizing.

You've got the names of the people.

Let WC sell him some snake oil.

All right, so we're going to call him back, you mean?

Yeah.

But what were we doing that we needed to get a room number?

Well, what we're trying to do is find out what the other,

so we can start asking for, like, can I have room 3210?

Yeah, but then they ask you.

They're all probably going to be on the same floor.

Yeah, but they ask you the name of the person you're trying to connect to,

not just the room number.

Okay, well, unless there's a way to dial in straight.

Sometimes you can do that.

You say, well, you just called me and told me 3210.

Most of them will let you dial straight in.

So what do we do?

You should just ask the operator how to dial it in.

Yeah, how to dial direct.

All right, well, I'll put you on the line with the operator.

You figure that out, because now you got me confused.

Let me try.

Can you give me a first-grandfather's name, though?

Yes, sir.

Hello?

How may I help you, sir?

Yes, sir.

I'm just trying to find out.

I got a room number of a young lady, and I'm just trying to find out how to dial direct.

You have to call 2S to get there.

32-10.

Last name to guess?

What's that?

What's the last name to guess?

I don't know.

I just met her down in the lobby.

She just gave me a room number.

Her name is Lucille.

All right.

She has a good idea right there in the chat room.

Mailbox 3210.

One moment, please.

You are being transferred, and a Grand Hyatt operator will assist you.

Oh, yeah.

Carlito is saying now we can send shit to her room.

Yes.

All right.

So how do we do that?

Call and get connected with a restaurant or a room service.

Okay.

Let's do that.

All right.

You do it.

Yeah, can you connect me with room service, please?

My pleasure.

Connect me.

All right, do it.

Do it.

Order him a bunch of champagne and food.

What's the last name?

32-12.

I'm going to call you.

Valenti.

Jack Valenti.

32-12.

Room service ain't too fucking fast.

Okay, fucking Carlito.

Carlito is saying, no, no, no, no.

Call fucking male escorts in the area and pizzas and send them a whole bunch of shit.

He's going to get the name.

I'm going to send it to Carlito.

He wants the name.

All right.

And the room number, fucking Carlito.

Fucking get back on the air and fucking.

Oh, we should call him back and tell him, actually, we ran out of champagne.

And in all actuality, we're sending him over a massage therapist.

And we'll send the male escort.

Does he prefer male or man?

No, no.

We're just telling him we're sending over a massage therapist instead at what time would be convenient for him.

Find out if Andy's others, if he's got the room number for Andy's other guys.

Most of them answered, remember?

So what are we doing?

Looking up some escort numbers.

What's this black guy is really mad?

I don't know.

Somebody called me and told me it's some angry-ass fucking guy.

That's all you need to know.

Well, then, all right.

We must call.

I got tons of numbers, tons of escort numbers in San Diego.

Okay.

Let's do it.

Find a male one.

Hey, Don.

This is your local KKK.

We're looking for donations.

So, sir, would you like to donate any money to your local Ku Klux Klan?

He didn't sound like an angry black guy.

I was looking for some pacified hammer.

Hello?

Yeah, how you doing?

Hi, who are you calling for?

This is your local KKK.

We're looking for donations.

I'm sorry.

Don't call back here again, please.

I hope you're not one of those people who...

Hello, God damn it.

Call you back, you mother...

Call him back.

Don't ever ask me not to call back in a polite manner.

Who wants to know what the name of that hotel is?

What is it?

San Diego.

Manchester Grand Hyatt.

The driver has joined the chat room.

Hello, MacGyver.

These people are adamant they're not going to answer it.

All right, we're going to call over to the Grand Hyatt,

and we're going to ask for room service again.

Don't we have an escort's number out in San Diego

where we could send him a male escort?

I got over 30 gals.

Could you give me my ticket to the Grand Hyatt in San Diego?

Room service, please.

My pleasure.

Good evening, room service.

How are you doing?

This is Mr. Valente in room 3212.

I'm about to come into the hotel in 15 minutes,

and I'm bringing a young lady.

We'd like to have some champagne delivered to my room, please.

32-12.

Jack Valente.

Can you spell your last name for me?

V-A-L-E-N-T-I.

Will the room service be able to bring it right into the room even though I'm not there?

Okay.

A champagne?

Yes.

What do you have?

For champagne with heaven and hour, that's exciting.

And Dom Perignon.

Okay.

No Cristal?

Excuse me?

No Cristal?

No.

All right.

I'll take the Dom.

Make that two bottles on ice and bring strawberries, if you can.

Don Perignon, two bottles?

Yes, and strawberries.

And one chocolate strawberry?

Yes, yes, chocolate strawberries, of course.

Do you have candles?

Candles? What type of candles, Mr. Valente?

Just a candle of some sort so I can lower the lights and have a candle.

Okay.

And how long before you...

And you want this in how many minutes?

As soon as possible because I'm actually pulling up to the hotel within like five minutes.

Okay.

I'd like it there.

The travel will be up in half an hour.

Would that be fine?

All right.

I'll try to drive around the block a few times with her

because I'd like it in the room before I get there.

Okay.

You'd like it in the room before you came in?

Yes.

Okay.

We'll do it then.

Two bottles of non-perineal,

tuxedo strawberry with candle.

Right.

The chocolate-covered and the chocolate-covered strawberries, of course.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

My manager said that we can take candles to the room.

Okay.

That's fine.

I'll just, you know, I'll figure out something.

thing. I'll throw my shirt over the lamp and make it darker. Okay. You ever see anybody

do that? Serving two person, Mr. Melanson? Yes, ma'am. Okay. We'll be up soon. Thank

you so, so much. Thank you. You're in 3212, right? 3212? That's correct. Okay. Okay, thank

you. Thank you. Bye-bye. Okay, he'll be getting two bottles of Dom. Maybe it was a complimentary

thing, so he's going to really be tripping. Yeah, yeah, right. He's thinking that shit's

coming for free. He's going to accept it, of course, and sign off on it. Dude, let's

You send them so much shit, dude.

Dude, I was trying to tell you, order red beluga caviar, man.

That shit's like, one egg is like 20 bucks.

You think?

Expensive.

We got over 30 gals in Carl's bed.

Hold on.

Good evening, Manchester, Ohio, San Diego.

Room service, please.

It's my pleasure to be making it.

Sure.

Service, this is right how we assist you.

Hi, this is Mr. Valente.

I had just placed an order.

Yes, this is Valente.

Yeah, I was wondering, do you have any caviar by any chance?

Excuse me?

Do you have any caviar by any chance?

I'm sorry, I didn't get it.

Caviar.

Caviar?

No, we don't.

Okay, that'll be fine then.

Thank you so much for your time.

Okay.

Can I have your first name, please?

Jack.

Jack?

Okay, thank you so much.

Okay, thank you.

Bye-bye.

I had the name in front of me.

He almost got some...

Hey, we got big and beautiful.

San Diego to California to escort agents.

Let's dedicate that one to PM.

All right, where's the number?

I am at 10 a.m.

And now fucking Khalido's saying,

And then you guys need to call him and follow up and say that's what telemarketer faggots get.

Yeah.

Now put me on your no-call list.

Fucking great.

We've got to give it time to fester and get up.

It's that half hour.

This is going to be beautiful.

Yeah, well, that's what she said.

It's going to be a half hour.

I can't.

I've got to go to bed.

I've got to be in it.

Fucking 7 in the morning means I've got to get up at 6.

Oh, my God.

Get gold, too, man.

I know.

He was in the suffering of one of the heads of the chairmen of the whole convention here.

He's probably like one of the leaders in the whole United States.

This guy's top of the list.

That was the order of the names was their importance.

That was the number two guy.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Nice.

I should call back the room service and tell them to tell the person who's bringing it up

to make believe it's complimentary just to make it look like a big shot.

shot yeah so this way the guy will actually say to him it's complimentary and he'll think it

yeah surprise yeah to surprise the other guests right so that so that my uh so that the person

in my room will think that i'm a big shot recluse just sent me the uh number of uh

ferret over 40 does it say farrah yeah it's some old broad pm this one's for you buddy

Is it 8-5-8?

Yeah.

8-5-8.

Okay.

We've already got the time posted in the chat room.

Time to call back.

Okay.

Hello?

Yeah, how you doing?

My name is Jack.

What's up?

You going to be working tonight?

Yeah, I'm working right now.

No, what are you up to?

A hotel and everything like that.

How much are you charging?

If it's 50 by yourself, it's 150 an hour.

150 for the hour?

Right.

And what did you say about 50, though?

What's that?

What did you say about 50?

150.

No, but you said some other price for something earlier.

No, I didn't.

I don't know if you were talking to somebody else.

No, no, all right, that's okay.

And you're a big girl?

Me?

I'm a little thick, but how big are you looking for?

Well, I don't know.

I was looking for a big girl, but, I mean, you know, anything is nice.

Okay, well, what hotel are you at?

I'm sorry?

What hotel are you at?

I'm in room 312.

What hotel?

What?

312.

What hotel?

Hyatt.

Oh, I'm at the Hyatt.

The Hyatt.

Oh, she hung up, man.

Dude, I was whispering into the microphone to you and putting her microphone away so

she couldn't hear me whisper, but you weren't answering me.

I didn't know you were calling me.

But you shouldn't whisper back to me.

I'm you supposed to talk in a normal voice. Did you get the big and beautiful one? I think so. Yeah. Oh, no

I think I called Farrah

Manchester Grand Hyatt and you sent it to you Manchester Grand Hyatt. Okay fucking morons

I love you to nonchalant way

Okay, we're calling big and beautiful man, what is it Manchester Grand Hyatt

Get off your big fat fucking ass, you cunt, and answer the phone.

I need a blowjob now.

I got fucking money.

You got lips.

Suck the money out of my cock.

Get on the phone.

Whore.

You lazy, fat, fucking cunt.

I want to do sexual comedy on you.

Need more number.

I think that'll come in handy one day.

All right, we're calling legs.

Can we get a guy?

Is there any man ones?

I'm trying to find some.

I don't see any.

Let me just do a Google.

You Google, and I'll talk to legs.

What the hell am I at?

Somebody's asking.

What?

What's somebody asking?

What hotel am I at?

Yeah.

No, really.

Manchester Grand Hyatt, San Diego.

What do you need?

Yeah, I'm in the Manchester Grand Hyatt.

Uh-huh.

I need a young lady, I guess.

What are you planning for the car?

It's going to be cash.

It's $150.

That's for lingerie and a back wrap only.

Any details?

If I take any of the number, I'm going to have a lady call you back.

All right.

All right, well, I'm at the Manchester Grand Hyatt.

I'll give you my cell number.

My room, you want to take my room number also?

Yeah, I want the room number and the hotel phone number.

Well, you can call the hotel, but I'd rather you not because, you know.

They're going to call the hotel regardless of whether or not you're in that room.

Oh, okay.

All right, but let me see.

It's the Grand Hyatt, of course, and the room number is 3212.

Jack Valente.

Same.

Valente, I just didn't want to give that out.

You know, I'm kind of trying to be private here.

V-A-L-E-N-T-I.

Okay, and your first name?

Jack.

Okay, I didn't.

Not a problem.

And the phone number to the hotel?

What are you saying?

The phone number to the hotel.

Oh, jeez.

I think I got it somewhere here in my wallet.

It should be right there on the phone.

No, I'm not in the lobby right now.

Just give me a minute here to locate the number.

I got the card in my wallet somewhere.

It's 619-232-1234.

Okay, Jack, I have one question.

All right, well, are they going to call me at my room?

Oh, I mean, I'm not in the room.

I'm standing here.

Okay, well, how long until you're in the room?

I'll be there in ten minutes, but I'm in the lobby right now.

I was going to give you my cell number to call back, but I mean...

Oh, I'll have you call your own in about ten minutes.

Very good.

I thought they'd just call and see if I was registered there.

I didn't want them...

What a bitch.

Man, this is getting good.

He's going to get all kinds of fucking door pounding.

Carlito?

Hey, what's up?

Yeah, yeah, it's Carlito again.

Hey, what's up?

What's up, brother?

I'm not going to sleep now.

This is too good.

Yeah, I know.

We got something going here.

Yeah.

All right, so come on, man.

Help me.

Help me out.

Take over a little bit.

Get your phone hooked up.

I can't.

It's impossible.

I don't have enough battery.

It's not going to work out, man.

The phone hasn't been charged all day.

Your audio is better, Carlito.

Just talk it up, man.

It's all armed and dialed for him, maybe.

All right, cool.

Yeah, exactly.

Who am I dialing?

What do you want to do?

I'll give you those guys' names again.

Tim Searcy, I think, is the president of this whole fucking thing.

But we don't know his room number yet.

We've only got one room number, Jack Valente.

Well, let's concentrate on Valente, man.

Okay, 30 P.O. Jack Valente.

there hook me up with some pizza in san diego give me give me a the pizza or something i need a male

massage therapist or something a masseuse we're on it how do you got to do it man

since you didn't telemarketer let's call this room like a survey of the hotel

well let's let's do that to the person let's talk with the president like a reverse telemarketing

yeah okay where's the number of the president i mean what's the name of the name

Searcy. I'm sending it to you now.

S-E-A-R-C-Y.

We're going to call back to the hotel and ask for Tim Searcy.

Interested on how you are, San Diego?

Connection to Searcy.

S-E-A-R-C-Y.

Tim Searcy's room.

Pleasure.

Picture two.

What's he look like?

Some white guy who's got a big nose.

He kind of looks like, what's the guy who directed JFK?

All right, we got Domino's Pizza in San Diego.

Pizza, all right.

Pizza.

There's his picture.

Sure. I posted his picture link in the chat room if you want to see him.

I'm putting P in P.M.

Do you got all the information you need, Carlito?

I've got a letter he wrote and everything.

Do you want to meet his room number or where to send the pizza to?

31-12?

32-12, 2-2-1-2.

Thanks for calling Domino's.

To hear our specials, please stay on the line.

Please be aware that a $1.75 charge will be added on delivered orders.

To bypass this message, press 3 at any time.

Our large pizza special.

Your call is being transferred to a team member.

Dominus Pizza.

Hello there.

Hi, thanks.

Great.

My name is Jim Valenti, and I would like a pizza pie.

Can I get your phone number, please?

My phone number?

Yes, your phone number.

Well, I'm not sure.

I'm calling you from the hotel right now.

Can I get your phone number to the hotel, please?

Let me see if I can find it here in my papers.

It's 619-232-1234.

Yes, the Manchester Grand Hyatt here in San Diego.

What hotel are you staying at?

I'm at the Manchester Grand Hyatt.

What street is that on?

What is the name?

Let me find the toiletries here.

Hang on just one moment.

Is that a marketplace?

One marketplace?

Can you want to call our downtown location?

Can you give me the number, please?

The number is 238-2323.

How dare you not help me?

How dare you not help me out?

Yeah, the number there is 238-2323.

I'm with you, you fat fucking cunt.

Now shut the fuck up.

Get off the phone, you fucking bitch.

Not helping us, you goddamn cunt.

But you're eating a lot of that pizza, aren't you?

You baby gorilla.

Get that hot damn candy in your pie hole.

Now you get up there and eat that sausage.

Take it like a woman.

She's still there.

Yeah, I'm laughing really hard.

You guys are so funny.

You're cracking me up.

Why don't you go up and get a life?

Do you ever stick any of that sausage in your hole?

Let me tell you something.

I'm Jack Valente.

I'm important.

Give me your manager now.

Now, I'm Jack Valente.

Hey, listen there, folks.

Now she hung up.

Oh, damn it.

She knows.

Stop running your ass, bitch.

Because I'm Jack Valente.

That's why.

All right.

What's the number I'm supposed to call now?

Someone get that number?

That's the downtown number for Domino's.

What's the area code?

238-232-619.

6-1-9.

Just tell it to me.

I call over there.

6-1-9.

I can't say it over the air.

Say it, damn it.

238-232-3.

2-3-2-3.

Why can't you say it over the air?

I never understand that.

For Colin Dominos, your call is being transferred to a team member.

Call is being transferred to a team member.

Colin Dominos, this is Lee.

Can you help me one more time?

Just a moment.

I said hurry up.

Thanks for serving our community.

What do they want?

A year's community project?

Hundreds of local food sponsored events.

Boonie wants to join in the conference.

That team member will make your order.

Just a moment.

Take a try.

We'll be fucking starving by the time she gets to us.

Jack Valente.

Yes, hello. This is Jack Valente. How are you, sir?

Good evening. Good, sir. I'm Jack Valente, and I'm going to need some pizza pies in my room tonight.

What's your telephone number there?

I'm over here at the Manchester Grand Hyatt.

Do you have a hotel telephone number?

I do. I do. That would be, just give me one moment here, damn you.

You, uh, 619-232-1234 is the main number for the hotel room.

I'm in 3212, from 3212.

I'm Jack Valente.

You're in the room 3212?

Yeah, just tell them it's Jack Valente.

They'll know who I am.

I'm Jack Valente.

So the room 3212, right?

I drive a Dodge Stratus.

I'm Jack Valente.

Okay.

All right.

And is your last name?

on your last name valente v like victor a l e n t i let's be like anything the driver will give

you a call when your order is ready you have to come down if you don't go in they have to come

down yeah come down okay we'll just have them uh speak to jack valente 3212 and i'll come right

down okay no problem yeah carry on all right okay what is your order sir okay well what kind of

What specials do you have?

I'm Jack Valente.

The two large front topping pizza with a chicken and two of the coke for $24.99.

$24.99?

Four of those.

Hello?

Can I get two orders of those, please?

Okay.

And what toppings for the pizza?

What toppings do you have?

Do you have ground beef?

Can I get a carryout topping?

Anchovy.

Hello?

Do you have ground beef?

Yes.

Do you have anchovies?

Oh, yeah, anchovies.

Okay.

I trust you're writing these down.

Peroni.

So, one pepperoni?

No, no, no.

On, on, on, okay, fine.

One of them, pepperoni, extra cheese, a little bit of that green pepper there.

Do you have any of that sausage?

Daddy.

Yeah?

I have pork sausage on mine.

Okay, I want pork sausage, Daddy.

Okay.

One moment, please.

Be quiet, sir.

I'm Jack Valente.

I have to deal with this.

Okay, give me that on two of the pizzas.

The other one, do you do Hawaiian pizza, sir?

Yes.

Let me get a Hawaiian pizza.

So you want two of them with extra cheese, pepperoni, green pepper, and sausage?

That's right.

Two of them?

Yes, that's right.

Okay, Jack.

Who's for the other two now?

Just one second.

I'm Jack Valente.

Okay, what do you want to put on the second pizza?

Jack Valente wants two Hawaiian pizzas.

Jack Valente wants one of them also to have extra cheese and bacon.

Oh, wait, wait.

We already have four pizzas.

Oh, that's right.

Right. Well, on the four pizzas, we're talking about the other two.

You want a Hawaiian, right? Extra cheese, ham, and pineapple.

Yes, exactly.

What kind of chicken do you want? Hot or barbecuing?

Barbecue. How hot is hot? Is that American hot?

I don't know if it's American, but it's pretty hot.

I hope so. Please don't let me down. Go ahead and make that double hot if you can.

Okay, two hot wings. And what kind of soda?

What do you have there? Non-carbonated.

I have Coke, Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper, orange, and Sprite.

Go ahead and give me orange, and we're also going to need a Sprite, also an extra 2 liter of Sprite.

So you want one orange and one Sprite?

And what do you want?

Pepper.

Okay, two pepper.

So, wait, one orange, one Dr. Pepper?

Yes.

And one Sprite?

Correct.

Hello?

That's correct, I say.

Okay.

Anything else?

I'm Jim Valente, and I need to go.

I'm Jack Valente.

Okay, how are you paying?

Those pizzas, excuse me.

How are you paying?

Cash, credit?

Sir, cash. All cash.

Okay. So you're in room 3212?

That's right.

And, okay, your total is $74.58.

Oh, excellent.

Hello?

I'm Jack Valente.

Yeah, Jack Valente thanks you very much.

Okay, in about half an hour, driver will call you and you have to come down, all right?

Wonderful, I will come down.

Throw a rope and I will come down, sir.

What is your name?

Blanco.

Beautiful. Blanco?

All right.

Like white?

What is your name, sir?

Excuse me?

What is your name?

Blanco.

Blanco?

B-L-A-N-C-O?

Yeah.

Like white?

Yeah, almost.

Are you Mexican?

No.

What are you, Colombian?

Hello?

Yes, are you Colombian?

Okay, anything else for you?

No, no, that is all.

I just wanted to make small talk.

Oh, no problem.

Okay.

I'm Jack Valente.

I'll see you in about half an hour.

All right.

Okay, okay, Blanco.

I'll see you soon.

No problem.

Thank you very much.

Okay.

Bye, Blanco.

I'm Jack Valente.

All right.

Reclude just fucking sent me, like, 20 different numbers of pizza places in that area.

Holy shit.

Dude, we should just keep ordering every fucking place downtown.

Order the same thing.

Order the same photo.

Like, a Hawaiian pizza with green peppers and, yeah.

Pork sausage, daddy.

Pork sausage.

Dr. Pepper.

And a Dr. Pepper.

He's just going to have tons and tons of orders coming in for that.

Dr. Pepper.

And, Hugh, can we order him flowers?

Like, from, yeah, we can order flowers from the hotel and have them put on the card from the American people.

Yeah, something like that, you know what I mean?

From the adoring members of the American Telemarketers Federation.

Exactly.

From your customers, we can put, that's what we should do, right?

Now we're just going to sit here and go, yeah, you're being rude, so.

Why?

Sitting there, what are you going to talk about?

Ten minutes to call back.

I'm laughing my ass off at you, fucking guy.

I'm Jack Valente.

Good evening, Manchester, Grand High, San Diego.

Where may I direct your call?

I'm Jack Valente, yes.

I need to speak to Jack Valente.

Valente.

I'll let you take one moment.

I talk to Jack now.

Who, me?

Yeah.

I don't have a license for that name.

Valente, Valente, please.

Valente, please.

Valente.

Huh?

V, V, Valente.

N-T-I, man.

Room 3212, please.

She hung up the bitch.

The bitch.

Just ask for 3212 from now on.

Somebody just joined the room.

Who is there, Commander, to speak?

3212, please.

Name of the guest, please.

Valente.

Thank you, sir.

Hello.

Hello, Mr. Valente.

Yes, this is Jack Valente.

This is David Robinson calling on behalf of Mr. Searcy.

How are you, sir?

I beg your pardon?

I'm calling on behalf of Mr. Searcy.

Tim Searcy.

I don't know Mr. Jersey.

Searcy. Searcy, sir. Tim Searcy.

CEO of the ATA. Tim Searcy.

Oh, the ATA?

Yes, sir.

Is somebody from the ATA calling me?

No, I'm calling on behalf of him.

He needs to meet with you immediately downstairs in the lobby.

Something urgent.

Well, somebody was supposed to meet me, and they didn't, so I came on upstairs.

Regarding the merger.

I beg your pardon?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you very well.

It's regarding the merger.

We need to see you downstairs regarding the merger.

or you need to meet with Mr. Searcy immediately.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm not involved in any merger.

Well, you are involved, sir.

Okay, wait a minute.

Wait, wait, wait.

I hung up on him.

Call back and tell him that you're that guy

and he wants you to pick up pizzas,

bring them back to the room.

They'll be outside.

They'll be calling you.

Pick up the pizzas.

And the bill up to Searcy.

Bill up to Searcy.

No, tell him to pay for it.

Tell him to pay for it, that you're Searcy,

and you want him to pick up the pizzas.

Wait, what am I doing now?

I'm sorry.

What am I doing?

You're going to tell him you're the head of whatever it is, C or C,

and tell him that you want him to go downstairs when the pizza comes

and pick it up and bring it back to his room.

Reclude.

He knows my voice.

Let Reclude do it with his WC Fields voice.

No, no, no, no.

Don't do a fake voice.

Okay, we'll give you the different voice.

Make him do it.

Let Reclude do it twice.

All right.

He turned me, he turned you.

Okay, Reclude, Reclude.

Yeah.

Listen, make him pay for the pizzas and bring them back to his room,

and you're going to meet him up in his room in a half hour, 40 minutes.

Who should I say I am, Tim Searcy?

Yeah.

I'm going to send you a link to his information, okay?

Hang on.

It's like high tech, man.

I've done the espionage here, trust me.

I'm sending it to you in the chat room.

This is great.

Tell him, listen, it's Tim Searcy.

I'm having some pizzas sent over to the hotel.

They're going to call your room when it gets there.

I want you to go downstairs, pay the guy for the pizzas, bring them back to your room.

I'm going to be over.

I told him to look for Jack Valente.

Right.

He's down in the hotel, in the lobby.

Right.

Tell him that you're also having some champagne and stuff sent over,

and a few of the associates are going to come over and have a conversation with him.

Okay, rec.

Real quick, Tim Searcy says that he's the only one with the intent of finding the do not call registry.

So he's an asshole.

Fuck him.

That's what you're going to talk about.

You're going to call about the do not talk, you know, do not call registry.

Yeah.

Yeah. Who's doing this?

Reclude.

Okay, good, good.

Straight voice, Reclude.

Business.

Why don't you think you can handle it, Colleen?

We're calling Manchester, the highest in the area.

Call me, I'd like to call.

32-12, please.

I am trying to speak.

Hello, I'm talking to you.

Hello, I'm speaking to Mr. Jack Valente.

Mr. Beach, baby.

Yes, I apologize for all the inconveniences.

This is Tim Searcy, and what we're doing right now,

we want to have a little meeting because there's some stuff going on.

If you could just go downstairs, and there's a bunch of pizzas waiting to be picked up.

And if you could just pay for those and bring them back up to the room, we're going to have a meeting.

You're breaking up.

Are you on a cell phone?

Yes, I am.

It's breaking up.

I didn't hear you.

Can you say it again?

Downstairs, we have the pizzas.

At where?

Downstairs in the lobby.

Yes, what's going on in the lobby?

Well, we need you to pick up some pizzas and bring them back to your room and then...

I'm sorry, pick up what?

We're going to have a meeting.

The pizzas, the food.

Here, let me try it over on the other side of the room.

Hold on a second.

Okay, can you hear me better now, sir?

I can hear you a little better, yes.

What am I supposed to pick up?

The pizzas.

Oh, no, I'm just getting ready to go to bed.

No, wait, we're going to have a meeting.

This is very important.

A meeting about what?

About the Do Not Call Register.

I beg your pardon?

About the do not call list.

The do not call list.

I'm sorry, I don't follow you at all.

Okay, you know how they published a do not call list?

Yes.

Okay, well, we're going to have to fight that.

And we're going to have a special meeting in about 15 minutes.

Well, I know, but what does that have to do with me?

Well, we're going to be part of it.

I'm sorry, I'm here to make a speech tomorrow.

Yes, that's what I'm talking about.

We need to talk about that as well.

It's very important that you go down there, pick up the pizzas, come back to your room,

and then me and the other members will meet with you.

All right.

I was just about ready.

I understand that, sir, but believe me, this is very important.

Well, I'll come down.

It's about the do not call registry.

I beg your pardon?

I know nothing about this.

I don't know what you're talking about, to be honest.

That's why we're going to explain it to you.

Hello, sir.

Hello.

Can you hear me better now?

Well, my other phone is ringing.

All right, that's the pizza delivery, sir.

Can you please go down and get it?

We'll be up to your room to do this.

I don't want any pizza.

No, we're all going to come up and we're going to discuss the do not call registry.

Can you please answer the phone?

Hold on.

I'll let him call.

Where are you right now?

We're on our way over to the hotel right now.

We're calling from cell phone.

Answer the phone so you can get the number of this guy.

Hello?

Can you hear me?

I can't.

Stop ringing.

I can hear you.

Yes, I can hear you.

Okay, well, they're going to call you when the pizzas are being delivered.

from dominoes you pick them up we'll be there in less than 15 minutes we'll have a quick uh

get together we're going to have the uh the uh the call registry conversation so you know what

you're talking about tomorrow during the uh you know well i've come right down to the lobby and

well you got to wait for them to call you sir you got to wait for them to call you when the pizza

gets there because they're going to call your room you pick them up we'll come on over in 15

minutes we'll have a quick half hour conversation and then we'll all go to sleep and get ready

Well, let me just say again, it's, by my time, it's about 11.30.

Right.

I don't have any pizza.

I don't know why they're delivering it up here.

No, I ordered it.

I ordered it.

I'm the CEO.

I ordered it.

I need to have a little get-together with you men.

Well, I'll be delighted to meet you.

Just tell me where you want me to meet you.

I'm going to be knocking on your door in less than a half hour, my friend.

All right, so wait for the phone call.

That was great.

We were getting some kind of crazy.

People are popping in and out of our room now.

I don't know.

Zola, listen.

I'm going to send you a new number, and I'm sending out to everybody just in our conference room

because somebody's popping our number and screwing up your call.

Oh, well, it was probably Nunu I sent.

i think you knew the number or something new is not here no wait let me see whoever it was

is screwing our call up so i'm gonna change the number okay so everybody's gonna get the new

number all right oh no it was boonie it was boonie well he's screwing the call up well let

boonie get back in now and then he won't have to pop in and out during the call see if you can get

any audio tell him to come in now boonie go on the air because are you there boonie he was getting a

call from the pizzeria or at least somebody half hour mark this is probably

the half hour exactly a half hour ago so we ordered the strawberries it is

starting great hey did we get a prostitute over there or not I think so

no need to reorder one yeah what last one hung up we need to send a guy over

there a guy to a male i'm telling you a male masseuse would be awesome too i had a couple

numbers i think i sent him in the ir he's in the chat room i saw one oh there was a

that was pizza i sent him directly to zolar who scrolled up who sent them i did

raccoon oh to the pizzerias no they got a couple male masseuses is it in the chat room instant

message yeah uh it's way under the like all the 20 000 pizza things i sent you no there's nothing

under there except for we should order so many pizzas every pizza place in

town your lobbying twice I'll tell you something all right listen what do we do

we call him back Carlito and tell him what we're gonna call back later and see

if is what happened with the pieces will happen with the champagne if he's gonna

say you know someone sending stuff over we can call him and ask him if he's

He's gotten all the complimentary gifts from the hotel.

And they were like, yeah, there has to be a bank.

I don't know.

I can't think.

Tell them to put it on the tab, you know, for the ATA.

Just go ahead and put it on the tab.

Well, we need to get, we need to call, we need to get all of this.

He's the CEO of the whole.

Yeah, but he's obviously sleeping and not answering his phone.

He's probably doing one of his salesmen.

He looks like he would have a briefcase.

All right, so should we ask him if he got his complimentary champagne and strawberries yet?

Yeah.

It's been almost a half hour.

It's getting close.

Let's send him a hooker at that moment.

Get a hooker, right, exactly.

Send him a game of shoes.

Let's see if he got his champagne.

Hi, San Diego.

May I direct your calls?

32-12.

Hello?

Yeah, did you get your complimentary champagne and strawberries from the hotel services yet, man?

Yes, we got that.

Okay, and are you enjoying that?

I don't drink hard liquor before I go to bed.

Can you verify what bottles they sent you, sir?

I told them to send it back because I was getting ready to go to bed,

and I had to get out of here early in the morning, so I had no need for it.

But, sir, when I spoke to you, you said you would like champagne.

No, no, I didn't. I said I'd like some wine.

I mean wine. Oh, so they didn't send the wine?

I got the wine, yes.

And you sent it back?

No, I didn't send the wine back. I sent the champagne back.

Who am I talking to?

This is Jack Dempsey.

Are you with ATA?

No, I'm not, sir.

I'm with the hotel.

I'm in public relations.

Sorry.

Well, at any rate, I sent the champagne back because I was not going to be using it.

There's no sense in letting it sit here in isolation, but I do have the wine.

And what about the strawberries, sir?

I have all of that, yes.

Are you going to eat the strawberries, sir?

No, I'm probably not going to do that.

All right, that's fine.

I mean, it's not necessary that you eat them, but I just wanted to make sure that you got them.

Did you notice what kind of champagne that we sent you, sir?

No, I didn't.

That was Dom Perignon, sir.

That was one of our finest champagnes in the hotel.

I know that, but since I'm not going to drink it, I thought it would be foolish to open it up for one glass,

and I just sent it back so that you could use it for somebody else.

I see.

Well, you enjoy your day tomorrow, and good luck on your speech, my good man.

Thank you.

All right.

Enjoy.

Jack Valente is speaking at 9 a.m. tomorrow.

He's already got the wine and strawberry.

Oh, my God.

Take a little $74 a piece.

Guys, seriously, Jack Valente is speaking at 9 o'clock.

We should keep bothering him up until he gets it, please.

Yeah, I'll keep it.

Well, I don't want to just send that one cup.

You can send it to somebody else.

He's still going to get charged for those two bottles.

50 bucks a bottle or 100 bucks?

Are you kidding me?

Dom Perignon is about 150 bucks a bottle in a hotel.

I knew it was up there, dude.

I drink Mad Dog.

But he kept the strawberries.

Hey, cool.

And he's got himself a nice bottle of wine.

So the pizza should be on its way.

We got to get a hooker.

I gave you two numbers of male masseuses.

Okay, hold on a second.

We're looking in recluse messaging here, and we've got, what does it say?

Carlson Ginny?

Yeah, I think so.

Is that a girl?

I think it's a dude.

Let's see.

I think it's his last name.

Is it 650?

858.

Oh, it's 858, okay.

Okay, okay, and Carlito, since you have all the information, you do the talking, okay?

How to send the hooker over?

Okay, I'll try, yeah.

Yeah, you got the hotel name and address and room number.

Jack Valente, get the hooker.

Male prostitute.

Please fax your order now.

If you'd like a white girl, press 1.

If you'd like a black girl, press number 2.

Hey, is that a poop reference?

I don't know what this other number is that recluse sent.

I think it's another hooker.

50 and under.

Good evening.

Yes, good evening.

Yes, hello.

This is Jack Valente.

Who am I speaking with?

This is Jennifer.

Hi, Jennifer.

I'm Jack Valente, and I'm here in town for the conference, the ATA conference, the convention.

I'm over here at the Manchester Hyatt.

Would you be able to come up to my room and provide me some, whatever, you know what I mean, right?

Can you come up, you know, for that?

Yeah, I have ladies that would be able to do that.

If I can get your name and number, I can have someone call you.

It's 150-CASH or 175-BY-CREDIT CARD.

50-CASH or 175-BY-CREDIT CARD.

Well, I got that cash.

Okay, well, do you want me to have someone call you?

Yeah, sure.

Have her call me here at room 212.

Room what?

3212.

And the phone number?

I'm going to check here.

It's 619-232-1234.

What kind of girl is going to be calling me?

What is your name?

My name is Jeff Valente.

What kind of girl do you want?

Jack Valente.

Okay.

What kind of girls do you have?

Hello?

What kind of girl do you want?

What do you have in African girls?

As in what?

Black girls.

Okay.

What's the largest black girl you have?

How big of a girl do you want?

Oh, how big do you think?

I have a girl that's 300 pounds.

Oh, yeah, 300.

Oh, yeah.

300 pounds?

Mm-hmm.

Most definitely.

Can we do that?

Yes, I...

That's her name.

Hello, ma'am.

I'm speaking to you.

Hello, anybody.

She said she's going to have a call you back, I guess,

and then she hung up, the bitch.

All right, so Jack Valente should be getting a phone call from a big black bitch

and a couple of fucking pizzas will be on the way.

He's already got his counter with 15 pizzas in her hand.

Four pizzas and, yeah.

Two bottles of Don.

Don Perrione and a bottle of wine.

Dr. Pepper that.

We've got to order towels.

I found a good bunch of shit, dude.

I found a bunch of gay massage people.

oh yeah fucking mobile numbers and everything we need to order towels and then real quick though

just towels towels towels steam towels towels and pillows and ice let's order jack some towels

and pillows and stuff yeah okay massages you think that's the highest honey i go how may i

direct your call yeah hi uh it's jack valente and 3212 i'm calling from my cell phone okay

ma'am ma'am sir yes i'm in pain i'm very sorry i need your assistance i'm in

I'm in room 3212, and I've fallen in the bathtub.

I hit my neck on the freaking toilet bowl, and I can't get up.

Can you please send somebody up here and call an ambulance?

Okay, what is your room number?

I'm in 3212, Jack Valente.

Oh, okay, I'll put you on while I kill Mr. Valente.

Okay, I'll send my manager right away.

The door is locked.

I don't think I put the emergency lock on it, but I'm going to need an ambulance.

I'm bleeding.

Okay, I'll call somebody right away, okay?

Hurry, please.

All right, I'll wait for it.

Oh, my God.

Stop, okay?

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

Fuck the towel.

Send me an ambulance.

I got shit running down my ass.

Hurry.

Oh, God, that's so great.

That's the cap.

I love telemarketers, don't you?

I don't think we can do anything else.

No, we about killed it, man.

So I'm going to cut the stream.

I really appreciate anybody who's still out there.

Really, I do.

I got to say, you fucking people are the best.

Thank you for making my night.

Hey, one big hit for Mr. Nunu, Sir Nunu, who came up with the fantastic idea.

Brilliant, brilliant scheme.

And thank you so much, Zolar and Zolar Vision and all the guest callers that made this possible.

Just one brilliant, brilliant show.

Yeah, I got to say that I had an ultimate amount of fun on this fucking show tonight with all you guys.

It was Reclude and Milkman and fucking Carlito that made this fucking show so goddamn great tonight.

And Jack Valente.

And Jack Valente, because, hi, I'm Jack Valente.

What's happening?

Are we quitting, or?

Yeah, unless you want to take over the show, buddy.

No, I've got to get to sleep, man.

It's two.

That's my life.

Yeah, me too.

I really do.

I've got to go back.

I've got to go to bed, or I'm never going to get up in the morning.

All right, man.

Well, great show.

You've got to send me a copy of this show, too.

Oh, totally, man.

This fucking show was hotter than hell.

Oh, yeah.

Classic.

Hotter than hell, baby.

All right, everybody.

Say goodnight.

Ciao.

Good night.

Late.

Love you, people.

Dranko Underground Radio.

I'm Jack Velocite.

Nice to meet you.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you!

Fuck you fucking penis dicks!

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Calls (14, 34 min of 1 h 15 min)

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