2007-10-14 Show

And he plays.

What happens in America?

Well, we steamed your ass in World War II.

What do you have to do?

We never did.

And who helped you out just now?

You piss off, woman.

Don't talk to me like that.

We don't need you anyway, bitch.

God, fuck you.

Call me a stinky, stinky fucker.

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

Mr. Soul.

So what do you say?

Let's all get together and welcome him to the stand with a great big hand.

Good evening, everybody.

Madhouse Radio is on the air.

It is I, Carlito, back once again.

I feel so blessed tonight.

Ted is with me tonight.

night ted are you blessed tonight my friend yes i've been saved you're saved by the power of jesus

my god god bless us all here tonight it's a special edition of madhouse radio we're making

up for a missed show on thursday at all i was huh i was saying i i was gonna walk off the curb

uh-huh and uh someone helped me back well that's good good you know it's good there's good samaritans

out there still, is it not? I love Samaritan. I'm a big fan of Samaritanism. It's a beautiful

thing. Is that a word? I don't know. I just made it up. If it is, it is now. If I said

it, you know. A word becomes a word when someone says it, Ted. That's how I feel. I can make

up a word right now. It's a living language. It is. It is. I could say nardle pop. And

nardle pop is the sound your finger makes when you pop it. Nardle pop. Now it is a

word it has been invented by me i had the panted on nautilus neo is also here neo here returning

from her sabbatical neo how you doing big neo good to have you nice big neos in the house what's up

everybody neo.com big neo.com neo.com i'd like i'd like to do like come up all these fake ass

domain names during the show it's fun to do man it's you got to keep it snappy snappy you hear

hear me snapping can you hear that that's a snap right there snappy snapping hey when is madhouse

when is madhouse munchies out there madhouse munchies madhouse munchies is up there have

you gone to madhouse munchies.com yet it's really it's a real site no go to it now madhouse

munchies.com the sponsor of the first hour of tonight's show everybody i'm surprised you guys

do you guys hear applause and music at all my god it is real i told you they're a sponsor of our

our show they have a great product i like the uh the madhouse munchies chips man i bought them

myself they're very crisp they're kettle fried and peanut oil the original micro chip that's right

very small chips it's great they're about the size of cheese it's man and they're very thick

and crispy and crunchy and flavorful madhouse munchies.com again the sponsor the first hour

of the show i was asking can any of you hear music right now or you're not able to hear music

What is your music status?

Okay.

I hear music in my head, but I always hear music in my head.

All right.

So when Tuck decides to behave, now we can get an answer.

What's been going on in the news lately, folks?

Any news around?

Yeah, I do.

What interesting news have you guys heard as of late?

Anything in particular?

Someone ran over a body in Hayward.

That's sad.

A body?

Oh, yeah.

I heard about that.

Somebody threw a body onto the highway close to where both Neo and I live,

and people ran over it several times.

Ooh.

It was dead before, though.

It wasn't a suicide.

It was actually a body at that point?

A corpse?

At some point, it was.

I can poke at it.

Wow, that's sad.

Ted.

There is news surrounding the PCU thing.

All right, well, give us the news, because I'm out of the loop as usual.

What is that news?

Breaking news.

I just played it.

I'm working on your guys' audio over there, but trust me, I played it.

So KDK says that PCU is dying, and he doesn't want to run it.

He wants to run something called Fart Steam Radio,

where he will play punk, music, and comedy, and prank.

That's a really eclectic mix.

That might work, though.

You never know.

Punk, music, comedy, you know, those are the three things he likes,

so why not, man?

Good for him.

Yeah, he said that running PC wasn't fun for him anymore because he never listened to it.

Oh, really?

He's just not into it anymore?

Well, he's got to change it up, you know?

Get a new product.

Go with what you know.

Go with the flow you know.

That's right.

Go with what you know.

Tuck, you got headphones, man?

Because I hear my sexy voice every time you're talking.

You got headphones, man?

Because I hear my sexy voice every time you're talking.

Wow, my voice sounds really nice and deep, but like a baritone over there.

Wow, that's nice.

Tuck, get some headphones on.

I'm going to have to mute you for the time being.

Get your headphones on and give me the hi sign.

And I'll put you back on.

That's Tuck.com, everybody.

Barry White on the Madhouse tonight.

Barry White, baby, over here with all the love.

Big bowl of love for you tonight.

I don't have any Barry White, you know.

I really need to play some Barry White.

I don't know.

I don't even have that one song that everyone listens to that I got to know for YOLO, babe.

All right, so, KDK, are you going to take over PCU?

What's the story now?

What's the plan?

Yeah, I guess I'm going to run PCU.

I started working on a website with Huck Artistic within its first incarnation at pcuradio.tedweb.net.

Okay, pcuradio.tedweb.net.

All right, that sounds interesting, man.

I hope it works out.

I would hate to see PCU disappear like that.

Has it really been dying lately?

I mean, I see the listeners are up as they've always been, you know.

Maybe not for the live shows, but you guys only have like 30 slots right now, right?

Or Lego's donating another 200 or something like that.

Yeah, you guys have got a weird arrangement with him.

Well, that's interesting.

I don't know.

I'm probably just going to start a stream on my server and just not deal with the LEGO.

Yeah, just go independent.

You know, everybody should have their own thing, I think, is what's ending up happening here now.

It's kind of weird how things have evolved like that,

but hopefully we can all remain amicable as we have.

And, you know, you're more than welcome to be on my station if you ever want to, Ted,

and anybody else who's in the TeamSpeak now, and I'm sure that would go likewise

if Tuck ever had his station up and running.

Tuck's thinking about it.

I don't know if that's secret or not,

but Tuck's talking about getting the station going up and stuff.

If not, I just let the cat out of the bag, Tuck.

I'm sorry.

The cat out of the bag.

Cat out of the bag.

Well, on one of Ted's streams.

It would be on one of Ted's streams.

Ted's streams?

Okay.

It would be like on my own, because, you know.

I would probably just give you a stream.

That's the dreams of dreams.

It would be on the Ted network.

That's good.

My laptop keeps crashing.

Fuck, dude, man.

Man, that damn laptop keeps crashing.

Stephen R. has been making out great with his own stream.

Yeah, that's good, man.

He's got his listeners and everything.

He seems very happy about that, very excited.

He wants to run it 24-7, he told me.

Is he at that point yet?

No, but he's trying to get there.

And he just has shows where he argues with his school friends

and breathes very heavily into the microphone.

Yeah, he's always in the breathing.

He's always like, I can't even do it right, like that.

that he sounds like he just did laps every time he talks but that's just him sitting down the

effort of talking sitting down is like making him sound like he's winded from doing like 50

laps or something it's so crazy that guy he's a good kid though but man and nunu getting kicked

in a chat room nunu just got kicked in a chat room by the security that's what you get nunu

learn your lesson behave yourself and know your role excuse me now he's back anyway i can't seem

to start talk show tonight, so whatever. We're going to do some

prank calls. Well, I had to show some

power. Yeah, I got a lot of

numbers here to call tonight.

The phone's ringing already.

From who, I wonder? This would be Milkman

on the line. Let's talk to Milkman. Let's get an update from

the Milkman, everybody. Milkman, don't go

anywhere, man. Milkman!

Milkman! Milkman!

Let's talk to Milkman. Son of a gun.

Milkman sucks.

I lost the Milkman. The satellite fell out of

the sky. Milkman has died, everybody.

Milkman dying here tonight live on

on Madhouse Radio Saturday Night Special.

We all bid you farewell, sir.

Good man, that milkman.

Tuck is here.

That motherfucker owe me $10.

Milkman.

Oh, there we go.

Milkman.

Hello, Milkman.

How are you tonight?

Man, I've been, uh,

uh, you're not acknowledging me.

Talk show isn't working, my son.

I'm sorry.

I can hear you.

You can hear me, yeah,

but I don't have any control over talk show.

I can just, I can,

I can say stuff on talk show,

but you can't hear.

You know what I'm trying to say?

Just, just understand me, okay?

Listen to me.

You hear me? Good. How's it going, Milkman? We want an update on the Milkman Tour.

Yeah, it's America. Rascal's West.

Denver, Colorado.

You're in Colorado now. That's got to be really safe to drive in.

I'm out here working diligently. It's a fun thing.

Please do. The breaking news is already in effect.

By the end of the year, I hope I'll have an eight model.

Jack Masters can't even fit in. That's horrible.

Poor Jack. What would you do with the poor old Jack Masters in, man?

The guy can barely walk. I mean, the guy's got to get around.

Superman super so it's good it's good to know that you're back in motion over there you got

your rascal scooter all lubed up and everything good to go happy for you flame huh okay so so

you're going to be uh joining us on a as as available basis here you said for the time being

well actually I've been on talk to you for a while but obviously we've got a problem with that yes

I do once the manufacturer on up and team up and implement care about your mobile phone in the

at a rational level.

Kidding.

So you're going to be like,

good, good.

You're going to have

your satellite link up

for sure now

and wherever you go

you're going to be able to...

And you know what?

The number one number on there...

That's the one, man.

Good.

It's good.

It's about time we started

getting that type of respect

around here, man.

You get our mobile mobile

going and shit.

People are catching it

and it's catching fire.

It's good to talk to you.

You want to stay on

and do a prank call

or listen in on a prank call

with me?

Let me try to get you on...

I'm trying to load up

talk show here

as quickly as possible.

Let me...

All right.

We're in the part of the manufacturing facility here very shortly.

I want to see the dimensions.

I want to take dimensions and make sure the recline is the full reclining position.

That sounds fun, man.

That sounds fun.

And we'd be kind of interested to see if we could actually hear you while you're on the job or something like that, man.

Well, that's what I'm saying.

I'm going to get you to that part of the manufacturing facility.

What normally goes on in the facility, though?

Anything fun?

Anything goofy go on in the facility any time?

uh actually we'll have to see i just uh trying to work with the team here everybody's out on on uh

on different assignments at the moment uh we've got about one our team now each one's in different

parts of the we're in the rush well hey the good news is i'm in talk to you now so you're good to

go and talk to you again all right i'll head over there and uh i like to say and uh welcome back to

longtime old friend and fan of the madhouse yeah and he was in the house of course he's a lot what

What are you trying to say?

Of course.

The noble man, the gentleman, the...

He's a man.

All right, man.

I will be over there.

Take care of yourself.

I hear a lot of noise in my end.

You'll be doing some work.

Interesting.

Try to join in as often as you can.

Don't get in trouble.

I don't want you in a lot of places you can't...

No, I'm okay.

I'm all right.

I won't be in trouble.

I'm going to go ahead and do things and keep right on going.

All right.

Well, behave yourself.

All right.

Thanks a lot.

I'll come a little bit later.

Yes, sir.

Yes.

Yes, Milkman.

like a retarded penguin sometimes you guys this is like the battle that could you guys hear him

at all i don't think you guys could hear him at all could you ted brandon vegas no i heard him

just you heard him that's good i'm glad you heard him i was afraid you guys wouldn't be able to hear

him okay anyway we're continuing the show we're going to do some prank calls now

and you guys are ready to join in on calls too ted we can test it out now but

in theory you should be able to be heard by anybody on the phone now man

i could just call or you could just call in that's right but anyway we need to do prank calls

we've been bsing here for like 40 minutes i'm gonna get this over here you know what i'll call

you on skype if you want that's probably easier you're gonna call me on skype from skype call

that oh yeah call the uh you mean to call the phone right there the phone so we can conference

some calls probably about yeah all right dude go ahead and do that that'll make it easier for the

the time being and we're gonna go ahead and uh see what we got available here we got a baskin

robbins and a godfather's pizza that's in syracuse nebraska we have circle k food store

a woman answered there that's in california san dimas there's really a san dimas i didn't know

that oh that's like that movie with the phone booth where they went back in time and they

kidnapped abraham lincoln that was cool they got that circle k 76 76 this was 76 76 brand of gas

You don't see that a lot anymore.

Hi, Weisswool.

Let's have Dairy Queen and Popeye's Famous Fried Chicken.

Weisswool, you're on your band, and that's about it.

7-Eleven, 7-Eleven, yada, yada, yada.

We've got a ton of goofy numbers here to call tonight, everybody,

and maybe we'll do some international calls as well here in a little bit.

This is Ted, I presume.

Hello, Carlito.

The Godfather's Pizza thing sounds like a good idea.

Think of your name and go with it.

Now, let me turn the phone off here.

There we go.

What's up, bro?

Catch you on the line.

Turn that on.

Venison is saying that we should work with the, we got a Godfather's, what are you saying

now, Venison?

Can you repeat that, please?

Vinny.

Yeah, I said, you know, you should try the Godfather's pizza.

I mean, come on.

With a name like God, with a name like Carlito.

There you go.

That's what Venison says.

We might try that.

Baskin-Robbins and Godfather's pizza together at last, man.

Pizza and ice cream at the same time.

I have an idea for that, Ted, if you know where I'm going with that.

Imagine it.

Baskin-Robbins and Godfather's pizza.

We got to put the two together, man.

And Dr. Marks doesn't want his ice cream pizza.

This sounds bad.

Hang on.

Yeah.

It's a bad idea with the other phone line.

Okay, everybody.

We're going to call the Baskin Robbins and Godfather's Pizza in one.

That would be Baskin Fathers, Robin Eatsa.

And just a moment.

The first prank call of the night.

Godfather, can I help you?

Is this Baskin Fathers, Robin Eatsa?

Nope.

Is this Baskin Robbins and their pizza place?

Nope.

Is this the pizza place?

So there's pizza around here.

Wait for the man to come back.

The man with the...

You take it again, because obviously she doesn't want to talk to Puerto Ricans.

Place a call.

That's what it is.

To listen to your...

No clock.

What I want is one large...

We are closed.

Well, just...

Nope.

I'll do the work myself.

That's a C word.

I'm trying not to cuss as much anymore.

Ted, I'm trying to be as nice language as possible.

PG.

I'm trying to be as PG-13 as possible lately.

Well, they do curse a little in PG-13, actually.

They use words like ass.

Yeah.

call one let's let's put that guy out first because he'll just keep talking and talking that guy

um that was kind of fun that was kind of fun i will have to call her later i have a question

yes sir go ahead with your question no that's right what he says weird it says the first show

he's always been like rascal scooters rascal scooters i'm like all right man whatever you

say buddy rascal scooters okay i thought he had like gotten some permanent just like a plant

No, I don't think it was Rascal Scooters.

He closes down plants and trains people on closing plants.

I don't know how it works.

But whenever they close a plant or open a plant somewhere, he's going to be there.

I don't know what kind of plants.

I think it's oil and energy plants and stuff like that.

Do we have any UK numbers?

The UK, the British K.

Do we? No.

No, I don't.

Let me see.

I'm sure we'll have them soon if we don't have them yet.

You know how Lonesome Loser is with that.

Be quick with getting it up.

I don't see it yet, though.

Google Maps

Oh wait, we have Barnsley, England

We have Mark Stone

And we also have Kim W. Chan

In Barnsley, England as well

Where's Barnsley, England? That sounds kind of fun

Barnsley, alright, I'm going to send them to you

Immediately

Post haste

I'm not going to have an English accent, never, never, never

You never, you never, never, no

That's right, go ahead and give it a try

And I'll play a little tune here

Oakman, stand by, I'll get you on as soon as I can

I lost you again, man

I'm going to work

Folk

Thanks, sir

If you were paying attention

Try to give me what my call quality was

You sounded good

Try the, um

Try Kim Chan

Let me try to take that one

Folk

The sounding

Yeah

Yes, sir

Chan?

Chan, how are you?

Chan

Kim Chan

I'm blast

Oops

I can sort of mute

Is she still there?

Or is she gone?

Yeah, call her back

Let's call Channy back

We need to call Walmart again

Remember that whole deal we had?

That was fun

Yeah, Ching Chang Chong

Do you know how Chinese get their names?

When the baby is born, the mom throws a walk across the room or whatever sound it makes.

That's very wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah.

I've never heard of a Chinaman called Klang.

That'd be a great name.

I mean, stupid.

I said the C in the chink word.

I said Chinaman.

That's a rude word.

That's right.

It's Asian American.

Yeah.

But what if the person's in, is it an Asian British person?

I don't know.

What would you call it?

Asian in Britain?

They have African Britons?

or, like, we have African Americans.

What do they call them?

They're black.

I think they just call them blacks.

I've heard, I asked somebody once

and they said,

we just call them blacks.

I'm like, really?

That's an acceptable term.

It's blacks.

I think it is, seriously.

Someone told me that once.

I don't know.

Maybe Asian immigrant.

That's a good question.

We should really find out.

They just call them what they are

and get over it.

Yeah.

They keep a PC shit.

All right.

I was in Bristol.

I don't have those yet.

I've got a 7-Eleven in Compton.

Indian guy answer.

Let me call that one.

That'd be fun.

The conference is now locked.

And here we are.

Yes,

hello, your police going by.

What's up?

Is this the Indian guy at the 7-Eleven?

Yes, is this the 7-Eleven?

Go for store 13486.

Is this you, over?

Is this store 27161?

Hey, is this the bodega?

It is store 27161. I got proof.

Let me call him back. I appreciate being told it's not what it is.

Take care of business here in a moment.

Get one on the line. Get the UK on the line.

I did not call his number.

I have to move quickly.

Why you call? You have order.

Not call at this time. Somebody has order.

Why you have order?

Somebody call you.

Did he say his name is? What the hell?

I just did to him what the

people in the restaurants do to me all the time here.

What's timing on?

Please enter the ten digit phone number

you wish to call.

You got that Keys Hotel?

Did you see that there, buddy?

Oh, well, some hotel that is.

Piece of shit hotel.

Well, it's a confirmed number.

No kidding.

Oh, yeah.

I'd like to make a reservation.

See you, tits.

What do you mean you don't?

Can I have a woman?

As they say.

It's a public house.

I don't know if it's a public house.

Maybe it's like a hostel or a shelter.

A shelter?

I don't know.

That's funny, though.

Those guys, those guys, they try.

You know, they try.

Those are good guys.

Those Brits, man.

They try to be, they try to keep their composure and be polite.

Have you heard from Jen?

Jen, I saw on the site that he decided to come back or stay around or not sell out or something.

Did you see that?

Really?

I haven't been to jenstuart.com in a while.

Jenstuart.com.

Yeah.

He posted something that he's going to do, update his podcast as soon as possible, I think he said.

Something of that nature.

He decided not to sell off, and he just kept all his material up.

He got a $50 bid from somebody.

Okay, 7th of October.

Jen Stuart lives on.

I will update the podcast.

That was last Sunday.

About seven days ago, yeah.

Less than seven days ago.

Because it just turned 1 o'clock here in Eastern.

Yeah, it's good.

Good to know that he's going to be around still.

You know what's crazy about the whole prank call thing?

It seems like once somebody has started doing it...

You think this is like a nest that just pulls you back in?

A deadly web, so to say?

Yeah, kind of like meth or something.

Like meth, like crack.

Phone just talks to you like a crack pipe talking to a crackhead.

You know you want to...

Well, you know once somebody...

I don't know if you remember Rebel from back in the day.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he's involved.

It was ridiculous.

He was deriving so much pleasure.

He had some guilt issues, huh?

Oh, we got another UK number.

Oh, yeah, I saw that, yeah.

There we go.

Speaking of which, right, let's see.

Speaking of guilty, we have...

Ardley House Hotel Limited.

What is that?

Do you want to talk to them?

Yeah, that's called the Ardley House.

Let me, I'll start that one out.

Ardley.

There's a great baritone voice coming in tonight.

Sounds great.

Curly dope.

Minister, how are you tonight, sir?

Pardon?

This is Al Roker.

How are you, sir?

For two spaces, please, sir.

Two spaces.

I would like you to put me down for two spaces, please, my good man.

Yes, what's that?

Two spaces for reservation, please.

Yep.

As soon as possible, please.

What is your next available space?

10 past 6 in the morning.

Well, I'm sorry.

I hope I did not wake you, sir.

It's all right.

I've been up all night.

Party down.

So would you use a computer machine there?

How are you going to go about this?

I'll just look through a computer.

You guys sound funny, man.

You guys sound hilarious.

I love listening to you French people talk, man.

It's great.

You guys crack me up with your voice.

The size of it would be like that?

Whatever you say, buddy.

Yeah, you got the size down to the spaces.

What are your spaces ranges?

Escargot.

Those are those little snails, right?

Gargoyle.

Escargot.

And we need Chardonnay wine also.

I love Chardonnay.

Chardonnay wine.

Yes, that Chardonnay wine.

I do.

This is my wife on the line.

We've been married for all of two years.

We're celebrating our 28th month anniversary this month, my sir.

I like to keep separate spaces.

Well, it's the snoring on an account that she also has a lot of problems with her abdominus,

and it can get rather smelly when she uses the restroom.

So we'd like to have separate.

Now, do you have communal bathrooms there?

Because that's not going to work out.

Yeah, we tried the whole shared water closet thing.

That was just a disaster.

It's just one not-community room.

And how clean are they?

Are they sanitized, or are they just sterilized or sanitized?

They're sterilized, not sanitized.

Trust me, I understand what the difference is.

They have an immunosupply.

So, yes, especially the bathroom.

Okay, you can swab behind the toilet.

If it comes back positive, then it could be a problem, my good man.

Or Lysol all over everything.

What do you do?

Have Lysol here in this country, or perhaps some...

Lysol.

It's like a spray that sterilizes things.

No, we haven't got that.

What would you use?

Do you have a spray in a can that sterilizes things?

Do you have anything like that here?

Oh, honey, you know what they could use?

Gasoline.

Lousing powder.

Or gasoline.

Gasoline.

Sir, do you have gasoline?

We've got gasoline.

Oh, petrol is a not.

That's right.

Yeah, we're not using that, though.

That's right.

It's not France, sir.

You say.

You say this is not France.

You paid good money to be flown to France, sir.

Now, where is this?

This is...

The Heathrow Airport is France, sir.

And I'm waiting for my shuttle.

Now, what is your status, please?

I was retarded.

I totally ruined it.

Ted, you know what?

You're a trooper, my friend.

No.

To you by Ted tonight, everybody.

Ted.com.

Yes, and soon to be owned by eBay.

Are you for real?

Why would they want to buy Skype?

What is that about?

What kind of conglomeration is that?

That makes no business sense to me.

I don't know.

I think eBay just bought whatever.

Other than they just want to own Skype.

I don't understand.

Are they going to add ties on it?

Make it free again?

I don't agree because I like Skype.

Once eBay gets its hands on it.

Maybe Skype is going to go legit with eBay money.

You know what I'm trying to say?

Maybe they're going to make Skype their telecommunications arm or something like that.

I read that it's having trouble making a profit.

Is Skype making a profit at all?

Where's Skype, Skype, Skype?

I'm surprised if it isn't.

What about Vonage?

Is Vonage still banned in America or whatever?

That they couldn't pick up new subscribers?

Whatever happened with that deal?

I don't know.

My brother has Vonage.

I don't know about new.

It was actually banned for about a month,

and then they got an appeal in some district court appeals,

and they were able to new subscribers,

but it was only going to be for a brief amount of time.

I think it was Sprint was suing them for copyright infringement,

even though they said they had been using technology

that Sprint had copyright on.

Voice over internet was theirs or something.

I don't know, whatever.

Get that one.

You can call it.

Let's do it.

You take that one.

I did the last one.

It's a 24-hour filling station.

Those guys got some weird things they say.

You need to do plus four, four.

And it's now on.

Two dollars today.

Mexico?

Yeah.

With my girlfriend?

Yeah.

And gas up in there.

And it's been...

Yeah.

My car broke down.

I think it's because y'all gas up there.

Yeah.

Need gas up...

Yeah, what time?

Down the street.

No more anything, my friend.

You supposed to be coming in the morning time

and talk with my manager, my friend.

Should we be blowing cars up?

Yeah, I don't know about anything.

We should be coming and talking with my manager, my friend.

Can you talk to my friend Jack?

Yeah, really?

Because Jack messed it up.

I'm sorry, yeah.

Yeah, man, are you all right?

Used to be a mechanic, and it sounds like you got some,

you got some, either some sand or some sugar in the gasoline down there.

Does your gasoline, petrol stuff usually come with sugar or sand inside of it as well?

I don't know about it.

To be honest, man, I'm just working, yeah?

That's why I can't say anything.

You should be coming in the morning time and talk with the manager, you know what I'm saying?

Hey, so why are you talking over me?

Please listen to my situation.

We started, we filled, we went to your filling station, we put in petrol,

and we started driving, and all of a sudden it just sounded like,

grrr, grrr, like that, right?

Stop.

So I put a siphon inside the gas tank, and I took, I swallowed some of it.

It tastes really sweet.

I think there's some sugar in it.

It seems to be caramelized.

In gas tank?

Yes.

It seems to be coming. You're not selling gas here, my sir.

You're selling gas and your petrol, sir.

Yeah, because he got diabetes.

You like to smell the gas.

Who's in charge of your petrol?

Yeah, I think I come in the morning time just for myself.

I can't say anything.

I'm not your friend.

Shut up, friend. You shut up. I'm not your friend.

You're not my friend.

No, no, no. I need to borrow your car, then.

Don't make any assumptions that you're my friend, sir.

Yeah, Jack ain't got no friend.

Okay, my friend.

Bye-bye.

Oh, my God.

That was fun.

All right.

Who else can we call here?

We got Patty.

Man, what is the...

Oh, fuck it.

Who cares?

Patty is her name.

Let's see about this.

This guy's buddy wants us to phone his sister and mess with her.

He's going to get us a number.

His sister's name is Patty.

She works at Lord Co.

She got fired last week, and it was all because of some horseplay at work.

Tell her it has all been worked out, but she has to stop being a bitch at work, and she will be hired back tomorrow.

So apparently this guy's sister got fired from her job, and he wants us to fuck with her.

Oh, that's kind of lame.

I know.

It's kind of weak sauce, my friend.

What else we got from Lonesome Wizard?

We got the Fairy Queen in Australia, man.

Wow, look at that.

The Fairy Queen.

In Everton, Queensland, Australia.

Can you make that so?

Make it so.

Make it so, number one.

Children.

Okay, good.

Audition as a clown.

Da-dum.

Yeah, Jack Masterson.

Hmm.

This is Fingers the Clown.

Fingers the Clown.

I have a story about that, Ted.

I'll tell you after the call.

Hello?

Very quick.

Please.

What is your...

$140.

Is that U.S.?

Is that U.S. dollars?

What's the exchange rate is?

I think it's about $83,000.

You've got to give me even, dollar for dollar.

Oh, you're on the...

As a clown, I needed some backup.

It just became a much bigger app than it was originally.

You understand?

Yeah, I think I can hear you.

Well, I'll give you Australian dollars, but what kind of services do you have?

Do you have elephants, clowns, jugglers?

What do you do?

No, we just have fairies, and we do fairy parties.

If you have a look at my website, it's got as much information as I can give you.

Well, I've seen the website, dammit, and yes, I would like fairies here.

This is an all-girl party.

They don't seem to be into me.

I'm a clown.

Well, we're in Australia.

We don't do parties in America.

I'm in Australia.

I'm in Queensland here, man.

And we're having a birthday party for the commissioner's daughter.

Commissioner's daughter.

Excuse me.

Listen, I thought you said am I an American?

And I said, yes, I am an American.

But I am in Australia right now.

Australia!

Well, here's the clown.

Fingers, a 300-pound clown.

And they don't seem to be into me, I guess, because they're girls.

We saw on the website you had a fairy queen.

So we're wondering how soon you can be here.

We'll pay top dollar, Australian dollar.

Today, fairies.

Those fairies, and you have no action at all.

Well, you're out of fairies.

Do you have any faggots available?

What about home, fucker?

Let me talk to your mom.

That was so crass.

Put your mom on the phone.

She's a big lesbian.

That was stupid.

I'm sorry, Ted.

Oh, it's all right.

Fingers the 300-pound clown.

The story is, I went to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet once in Daytona Beach,

and they had clown for the kids blowing up balloons,

and his name was Fingers the Clown,

and he weighed about 400 pounds,

and he had the whole breathing thing like I do with Jess.

That's where I got the Jack Masterson thing from.

Because he would actually be like, like that, filling up balloons.

He'd blow them.

He'd blow the balloon, like, to make a balloon animal.

And he'd be like, like so winded, just blowing up the balloon.

It was so sad.

His name was Fingers the Clown.

He was about, wow.

He must have weighed easily 400 pounds.

I think they paid him in food.

I'm not kidding you.

Oh, God.

Like, I think he was straight up sit at the end of the aisle, of the food aisle, you know,

where you go to get your food.

He was at the end of it.

And I think every once in a while he'd turn around and get himself some, like, you know, like a fried chicken wing or, you know, like a fried wonton or something and pop it in his mouth.

It was wicked.

Fingers the clown.

Yummy.

And that's where I got, that's the inspiration for Jack Masterson right there, everybody, who did not know.

That is a true madhouse moment.

There you go.

Ted, any ideas?

Any plans?

I'm going to call Ted.

Let's go Metro.

Good.

Let's go Expresso.

I guess that's like the Walmart, too.

This is yours, by the way.

Peanuts.

It was scary.

Oh, my God.

Marine Corps, Suite 17.

Marine Corps?

The House of...

I saw that.

That sounds good.

Do you have the ability to call Guam?

I don't.

I don't think I...

No, I don't, actually.

Not yet.

A two group check.

A two.

You know, he didn't really say that.

He just...

He pointed at him.

Are you touching it?

That's great.

What are you serving tonight?

What is on the menu?

What is the deal?

For tonight's meal?

Yes.

We don't have a dinner special, sir.

Oh, fuck.

What do you got going on today?

What's going on?

What's on the menu?

What do you recommend?

Fish salad? I'll go for a fish salad, that sounds good.

Do you do sandwiches?

Please stop.

Sir, one, two, hello, check.

One, two, thank you.

Checking modulation.

You do sandwiches, right?

Modulation, okay.

Great. Modulation's okay.

What kind, do you have tuna sandwich?

No, sir, I'm sorry.

Do you have a fish sandwich of any kind?

My God, you guys are so fucking boring, dude.

Seriously.

Recommend something I can order.

What do you got, a meatball sub?

Oh, sir, I'm sorry, we don't have that.

We have a Yakoniku salad.

A what?

It's called a Shogun's salad.

We use Yakoniku beef.

Yakowu?

Is that like Kobe beef or what?

I think he said he dropped a penis.

I see.

You make the holes with that like in the donuts.

Okay.

Put me down for two of those Yakumoku beefs.

Does it come with the...

Do you have any au jus?

Do you have au jus?

Can you give me like two large servings of au jus, please?

A bowl of this.

This is the Yakoniku beef and a large serving of dishwater.

All right, yes, sir.

Now, do you have, see your Coke products there?

We have Pepsi products.

God damn it.

No, no, no, no.

I don't drink Pepsi.

I don't recognize Pepsi.

I'm from Atlanta, and I'm only going to drink Coke.

So what can you do for me, though?

Let's change it.

Come on.

Work with me.

Yes, sir.

Work with me.

Sir, do you use Palmolive or Joy when you're in dishwater?

We use Joy.

What's that noise back there?

That would be the coffee machine, sir.

Can I talk to the coffee machine, please?

I'm sorry.

The coffee machine's busy right now.

Who's running the coffee machine, then?

Was that you?

That would be Grace.

Grace.

Grace, please.

I'm sorry.

Let me ask a speaking, sir.

This is Jack Masterson.

Yeah.

Jack Masterson, please.

Please.

Hello, Grace.

Grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Grace is dead!

What's going on?

It's Grace speaking.

How may I help you?

Grace, let's talk.

The coffee machine, what's going on with it?

Coffee machine?

Tell me about the coffee machine.

Is it caught?

Yes.

You see him talking on the phone with me.

Why are you running the coffee machine when he's trying to have an important conversation?

Talk to me about that.

Tell me where you got the idea to do that, where you thought that'd be okay.

How could I? I'm making coffee.

Yeah, but we're talking on the phone.

You know what I hear?

I don't like that.

I don't need that when I'm on the phone.

The next time you see someone on the phone, you ask, is that person on the phone with you?

If they say yes, you say, okay, I need to use the coffee machine.

Can you ask to put them on hold, or you come back and make the coffee later?

And you go to the customer and say, I'm sorry, there's someone on the phone,

and we don't make the coffee machine noise when someone is on the phone

because it could be important.

It could be the governor of Guam.

You never know.

So this is a point of personal improvement for you, Grace,

and I hope that you take it into consideration

because all it takes is a little bit of confidence

and pride in what you do on a daily basis there at work,

and you're going to make us the best out there.

So what did we learn today?

What did we learn today?

We don't do what?

I have a dream.

I have a dream where Grace no longer be

I can't hear what you guys ask.

I have a dream where Grace no longer be

pushing noise on the damn phone when I'm

All right, call you back later.

Thank you very much.

You got to support that girl.

Seafood restaurant.

IP.

Yo, you be.

Seafood.

Let's do that.

PC, low letter.

What the f*** machine?

I kicked the s*** out of it.

Chinese restaurant, seafood restaurant.

Heavy house restaurant, yes?

Get it, dude.

This is a big C house restaurant.

Why does it sound like you're now talking inside of a drum?

What the f***?

I need to price.

What are you talking about?

Your morning delivery of vegetables and rice.

What's that?

From the supply store in Tumon.

Did anybody order that?

Okay, well let me go over the order.

What's the first order?

No, no, no, hello?

Yeah?

No, no, no, I didn't get it.

What are you talking about?

Well, maybe you could hear me better if you weren't in the echoey bathroom.

Okay.

Okay, so one order of butter and white rice.

No, it's a huge dish to do where you are.

You are.

What are you doing?

Yeah, we're arresting...

Is the VIP house, they order something from you?

Order, tea pot or tea?

I'm using the bathroom yet.

You guys talking to me, you don't ask me what I'm doing now, okay?

I hear you.

One moment, who's the one ordering? When do they order?

Flush or what?

Order, please. When? When?

When? Yes, they're about five minutes.

Tell them that it's spring yet.

I'm trying to place the order at the end of the day.

No, because nobody ordered.

I am the one controlling.

So I didn't order, so I don't know what are you talking about.

I'm very busy.

I'm very busy, too.

I'm busier than you.

So much to be busy.

Yeah, but you are the one controlling, right?

It sounded so much like, you know, Sean Ward does that voice, the chocolate thing.

thing it sounded just like that have a chocolate she was here to do that um she was it sounded

good for like a second she's like okay hang on and it came in normal and then it started again

i don't know what the hell she was doing she's taking a big like this real tiny bathroom right

next to the stove she was dropping the big deuce he's going to town out of town the guy was saying

something like oh they're taking the biggest shit of my life and it's like he's rising off of it

Are you serious?

Wow.

God damn.

I haven't seen that show in years.

Like three years now, I think.

No, two.

Two years since I've watched South Park on TV.

It's just...

We got more Guam numbers.

We got more.

We got the Hunters Inn spot.

Oh, yeah.

Just one more.

Yeah.

Does anybody in the speak want to say anything?

Team speak.

Say something, team speak, right away.

I don't like that.

Baz said team speaking.

That's it.

I don't know.

Baz said team speaking.

That's it.

I don't know.

I don't hear myself.

Well, that's great.

I'm going to put myself on the...

Nice.

You're classy of you, Baz.

Okay.

Okay. Mebo is working. Nothing works tonight. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

If you want to reach me on Instant Messenger, you can do so on Madhouse Radio, Madhouse Radio on AOL and Yahoo Messenger.

And that's it. Ted, are you on any of those messengers? I never get to talk to you online.

It's like it's so hard to get a hold of you.

Okay, well, yeah. Then he asked me the same thing.

I'll add you. Excellent. We've got a bunch of request of pranks from Thursday we never got to.

Let me tell you what they are.

We've got a gentleman who does cell phone repair for Verizon.

And he's got a phone number for a hot and young sexy girl named May.

And apparently she has pictures of herself naked in the cell phone.

And she plays with another girl named Vanessa.

Apparently they have some kind of relationship going on.

She gave me her phone number.

Or he gave me her phone number.

Let's see what else here.

This guy actually takes the cell phones that he's repairing

and he looks through them to look for pictures and stuff like that.

That's creepy.

I know, right?

He's got Adam.

Adam has a bunch of cute pics of his sexy young girlfriend, Bethany, on his cell phone.

And he likes to fish and hunt and has pics of a four-wheeler, a red truck, and fish that he's caught.

Wow.

One of his friends from his mailbox is Delano.

That's interesting.

Man, that's pretty redneck.

Yeah, Del.

That is a redneck named Delano.

That's from Mr. Ripley, he calls himself.

I'll try to call those later.

I've got an idea for that.

What else do we got here?

We've got Dr. Babcock sent us a call request as well here.

That's interesting.

Let's see what this is.

Prostitute named Pam.

Her name is Cherokee.

Her nickname, her prostitute name is Cherokee.

And, oh, I'm sorry, here.

Okay, his friend named Ron, who's been seeing a prostitute named Cherokee,

and apparently has also been messing around with a gay guy named Jamie.

Oh, that's kind of weird.

Do you hear all that?

It's like, uh-oh, the feds are coming.

Yeah, they're coming for me.

Those cops are going up and down.

Pam, what'd you do?

I don't know, man.

Yeah, my street is actually strangely quiet tonight.

Is it really?

Because I'm like near a hospital and a fire station too.

And the police station isn't that far away either, so we get a lot of those.

Okay, well, we'll call one of those later.

What else do we have now? What's going on?

You got the Elite Bakery, Hunter's Inn spot.

What do you think, Ted? Do you want to call one of those?

I'll call the Elite Bakery.

Good evening, hello.

Can you hear me okay now?

Can you speak a little bit?

So what do you want now, sir? You want to have the cake?

Yes, I would like to order a cake, please.

I want one cake machine, please, that will feed 16 children.

How many inches you got?

20?

Okay, that one, do it.

Oh, tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

What time do you open?

Six o'clock, but the earliest gate that can be picked up is six.

Okay, put me down for that.

Yes, that.

Yes, good.

On that time?

Yes, 10.30, yes.

And your name, sir?

Kimball?

Yes, that one.

The movie.

The movie, John Kimball.

What's so funny about that?

Your phone number.

Why does everybody say that?

Yeah, because this is the very known part of the movie.

His name.

My name is John Kimball.

What is your phone number, sir?

Well, my name has been John Kimball for the last 22 years, sir.

Okay, so what is your contact phone number?

671.

647.

Oh, so 671 is done.

Seven.

Very good.

Four, seven, and what's the three numbers?

God damn it.

Zero.

647-892.

That's fine.

Okay, what's the size of the cake you want to order?

12, which is good for size?

Okay, fine.

12 by 16.

First one you said.

12.

Yes.

Yes. God, you're so slow, old man.

So you want the 12 by 16?

Yes.

Jesus.

And what's the flavor of the cake?

Do you have chocolate?

Mr. Kimball, Mr. Kimball, I have to go to the...

Shut up.

What's the flavor of the cake, sir?

Do you have vanilla, chocolate? What do you have? Do you have marble?

Yeah, I have marble, we have chocolate, we have...

That's like the movie.

Pineapple like the movie.

Sir, I think I'm not serious in ordering it.

Chocolate and vanilla.

Chocolate, vanilla, please.

Huh?

Chocolate, vanilla.

Chocolate is...

Just make it chocolate, buddy, okay?

We have the chocolate.

We have also the vanilla combination.

So you want the vanilla or you want the chocolate?

Marble.

We have also marble.

So you want the marble?

That's what I said at the beginning.

Okay.

Marble.

This is for a boy or girl or female?

Marble.

So this cake is...

The marble.

Lasers to keep the bubble away.

The tower.

I'm giving you the...

Well, because of the marble.

You see female, you like...

You see a man with blue, green...

Assumptions about the color.

or maybe he's a boy who likes pink.

My son happens to like pink.

Is that okay?

Could you just come over and make the order safe?

No, no, I can't.

I can't.

It costs gasoline in my car.

How come there's like an interruption of this order?

That's my son on the line.

It says Sweet 16.

Yeah, I like the yellow.

He's a boy who likes pink.

There's no brown, sir.

There's only green and yellow.

We have that.

We don't have blue.

We don't have brown.

Sorry for that.

No, we are making that cooler, sir.

otherwise you want to have to come and talk to the decorator hey sir to the designer can you take

the green and take the yellow on and make blue can you make finally what the show if there is

you have to come because they need to talk to the decorator you have to accept the order sir

we can only accept regular okay so let's go listen i cannot understand you so you have to

call me sorry about everything that guy he's like that's like the movie i got all upset why does

Why does everyone always say that?

It's a very popular name.

I think it is.

He must listen to PCU.

He's asleep.

He left.

It's like 6 in the morning.

7 in the morning where he's at.

Cashers will get to hear this and they'll be happy.

Madhouse Live Podcast.

It needs to be updated.

The Bull.

The Bull is like another one of these.

Bull.com.

Do the audiobooks.

Yeah, but they're also like for like 99 cents of archive shows.

The Bull from PR.

But when you get them from Audible, they're copyrighted.

Point.

You can get them for free for download.

Something that was never copyrighted.

Yeah, all of a sudden it's copyrighted

They're their jurisdiction

They try to get away with things like that, man

That sucks

You hear about that lady who got sued for $222,000?

Yeah, and she's going for it

She says she doesn't care

She's not going to pay it

She says she's going to fight it, right?

She's trying to fight it

She's trying to stick up

But I heard her appeal fell through even still

Something weird happened with that

I can't believe they're really going to go through with that

$220,000 for, I think it was like 9 or 10 or 11 songs

Something crazy like that

Yeah, it's total BS

Have you seen the list of songs that it was that she had?

It was some really bad songs, too.

It's pretty sad if she ends up having to pay for that type of music.

I heard that it was, there were 12 songs, but that evidence that shared many more than that.

You've got to turn off your sharing, everybody, when you're going to get music.

Turn off your sharing.

Don't share.

Just leech.

That's all you can do.

Let the people who want to share have it.

I've never had any good experiences.

I've never heard of a download speed.

You're using a router.

You've got to make sure your ports are open.

You've got to forward to your virtual server.

and I just fixed that up.

I got my port forwarding correct

and four second breeze.

I download a whole like,

what I do,

like recently,

like yesterday I went online

and I went to,

I found,

I looked for compilations.

Like there's one artist I like,

like Bob Marley.

A few weeks ago I went online

and I put in Bob Marley

and I came up with

like every single Bob Marley recording

that there was

in one torrent

and I downloaded them all.

All sitting on my hard drive now

and in my iPod.

I got every single Bob Marley song

you can think of.

I did the same with Pink Floyd.

I got every single Pink Floyd album.

Even the live stuff, all of them.

Tons and tons of music.

Good stuff, man.

That's what it's good for.

Firewall, because for some reason, I'm using just a regular BitTorrent client.

My CPU usage goes up 80% at one kilobyte download.

I don't know what that is.

You've got to adjust your share ratio, like when you're downloading and just, you know,

I usually seed my torrents for a day after I've downloaded it.

Like, I'll seed it for a day, and that's it.

You give that a try.

Well, the thing I was trying to get, I ended up, because it's not available for sale anymore.

It's like an older version of a game.

Download it, but then I couldn't, so I found somebody on eBay who had, like, old shrink wrap code.

Do you still have to, these things don't make a whole lot of sense.

Like, would you be expected to pay for a sample that was no longer available?

In theory, no one's going to go after you, because I know for a fact now the NES games and stuff like that,

for a while, it was okay because they were no longer being sold at retail.

Nintendo was no longer selling the NES ROMs, so it was actually legal for a little while to actually own,

to download them again, because no one

was losing any money, but Nintendo

with their Wii, they're

actually hosting, you can actually

pay for those older games

now, so I believe they'll go after you now, but

once it's off the market

you're able to, like I know Dreamcast

the Dreamcast games for Sega

I mean, basically, I mean, yeah, you're not supposed

to sell, you know, download it illegally

but no one's going to go after you because the people

who are making money would

in theory be losing the money

from you not, you know, whatever, getting

and then their sales, they would go after you.

They no longer exist.

You know, it's kind of hard to explain.

I get it.

Yeah.

I have, you know what I've done myself on Torrents?

Like right now, I'll tell you the truth.

Let me look at my list.

I'm planning a computer for my living room, a media center PC.

And I already own, I have like a controller, a USB joypad and everything like that.

And what I'm going to throw on this PC, I'm going to make it so I can listen to internet radio,

I can watch DVDs in my living room on my TV.

And I've got like emulated games, emulators.

I've got, like, the arcade set, which is, like, all the old arcade games from, like, the 80s and the early 90s.

I've got all of those I can play.

I can play NES and regular, you know, old NES, Super NES, Nintendo 64, Sega Genesis 32X, Sega Saturn,

and there's the Game Boy and Game Boy Advance.

I've got all those games.

Neo Geo, I've got all those games also.

I can actually play any of those titles at any time on my computer now.

do that, you know, in the living room. It's going to be kind of cool. I'm kind of excited

about that. I had a friend who did that with, like, what, a feed console monitor inside

of it, and it's a bunch of, and it hooked it up to, like, the board itself. That's kind

of cool. I've got all the Atari 2600 games, too. There's tons of them, man, just tons,

and they all suck, right? I'm like, I can't, I remember playing those when they first came

out, you know, like, when I was a kid. I was around, I mean, I was born in 79, so,

you know, I was, like, five years old towards the tail end of that era, and I remember

playing a lot of those. I remember having fun playing them then, but now it's like,

oh god

you know

they got like

12 colors maximum

and stuff

it's really

there weren't much

to the games back then

but people just love that man

interesting

well

dude

I think I'm gonna wrap it up here

I mean it's

you know

it's 2 o'clock in the morning here

it's what

midnight over there where you're at

or 11 o'clock over there

yeah it's 11

but I got other stuff I could do

yeah me too

me too

it's been fun

thanks for joining in

Ted you're the man

yeah I'll be in the team speak still

cool cool

I'll go to that right now

see ya

nobody listening really tonight

but that's good

It's good to have fun, huh?

Thank you all for listening.

I made a promise here I was going to do a prank call for Weed Man.

Hey, what's up, man?

We're doing a call for Weed Man.

I'm trying to get Milkman on the air.

Well, Milkman, if you're there, say something, man.

Milkman, Milkman.

He's hard at work.

Anyway.

Let me do one more prank call before I go.

This one's for Weed Man.

This is for Bob Smith.

Just one moment.

I tried.

It took so long to try, too.

Try calling.

Call.

Please enter the ten-digit phone number you...

Who the fuck is this?

I'm Joe.

What are you going to do about it?

I bet you...

Who are you?

What are you going to do about it?

I'm not enjoying it.

Tuck.

Hello.

Okay, we're going to try to call Patty now.

Good to hear from you, Tuck.

You sound good.

Oh, good.

Please, don't beat my ass.

I'm sorry, man.

I'm just...

Who the fuck is it?

I'm a little crazy.

I'm sorry.

Tell me who the fuck is it.

I can fix your goddamn problem.

Um, listen, guys.

I'm really sorry, man.

I lost

her job recently.

Speak up a little bit for me, please.

Bruce with Human Resources at Lordco.

How you doing?

Speak up, please, for me just a little bit, please.

This is Bruce at Lordco.

Resources at Lordco.

How are you doing?

Got your job back.

It's all a big misunderstanding.

Can you speak up, Patty?

You know what?

The deal's off the table.

You're fired again.

Deal's off the table.

You can't speak up.

How am I going to put you into phones?

Huh?

Put you into phones.

Ziggy. I lost my job. Come on. Speak like a man. Come on. Put some ballast in that. Come

on. Get some juice behind that. Come on. Beak loud so you can speak over me. Come on. Do

it now. How much do you weigh? You wanker. It's now being traced by AT&T security. It

didn't really go anywhere, did it? No, it didn't, Tuck. No. Maybe you could do better

than that, huh? Why don't you call in, tough guy? I don't have any more numbers. I could

I could call, but I suck.

You suck.

No, you don't, Tuck.

When's the new TuckCast coming out, man?

Yeah, yeah.

When's the new TuckCast?

Probably when I get stuff together, I might do some kind of live version over the TED web network.

Good, good.

And then put it on podcast, whatever I can salvage from that.

Good, good, Tuck.

Tuck, this is my favorite moment right here of the Tuck show, of the Tuck cast.

I'm going to play it real quick for you.

You ready to hear that?

Okay.

All right.

There we go.

Let me get that ready.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding, Tuck.

I'm kidding.

I'm sorry.

I'm in a goofy mood, man.

Sorry about that.

I'm kidding.

Let's listen to the comedy.

We're going to get three things.

Lucy Bowles.

Okay, let's listen to him.

Tuck, I want you to hear it.

I'm dedicating this one to you, man.

This one is for you.

This next prank call.

You ready to hear this?

This is a call from last time.

All right.

The last live show I did.

This is called, did you hear the stool sample calls, man?

Did you get to hear those last time?

I can't recall.

Dial-up.

I'll stop my head.

Dial-up is gay.

All right, hang on.

Let's listen to this.

I'm a male nurse.

Is he expecting you to, I mean, who?

No, Dr. Nargis told me to give him a call with these instructions.

But his doctor is not Dr. whoever you say it.

It's the specialist, ma'am.

His physician forwarded the information on to Dr. Nargis and made the determination of what was going on.

He just wanted to give him a therapy plan.

He needs to practice at home.

Okay, hold on.

Hold on.

Hurry it up.

Hello?

Yes, hello.

I'm sorry.

I lost my temper.

Did you have a pen and paper?

Who are you talking to?

I'm trying to leave a message for the instructions for the therapy plan.

He needs to practice.

Yes, but someone said hurry it up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry. Quality assurance thing.

Something that you're supposed to, for the quality of your service, blah, blah, blah.

Okay, I'm ready.

Breakfast, as much fiber as possible, preferably oatmeal and greens.

What kind of greens do you make, if any?

All cabbages, collards, string beans, the works.

Collards and turnip greens and spinach greens.

Yeah, I do all of those.

Okay.

And he needs to eat as many oranges as possible.

Okay.

Okay, now what this is going to do is going to be like a natural colonic for his system.

Okay, now he needs to collect a stool sample after every bowel movement.

Got it.

So do you have the instructions there for the stool sample collection?

Do I have any?

Did his doctor give him any?

Well, I'm not certain, so I'm making sure.

I mean, if he didn't mention it to you, perhaps I should.

No, he hasn't mentioned this to me or that someone would be calling.

That's just not natural that he wouldn't mention this.

That's why I'm asking all of these questions because he never said anything about it.

Because he never said anything about it.

He just needs to collect the source.

And it's very simple.

He's supposed to have carrots.

Do you have any carrots there now?

Yes.

Get them.

him the the long kind not the baby carrots the long ones please okay basically all he does after

he has a bowel movement he's going to take a carrot and shove it up as far as up into his

asshole as possible and then put it in the bag and write the date on the bag you got that hello

did you get that no but maybe you need to do that well that's his responsibility no no it's your it's

It's my responsibility to tell you to do that because this call is not a natural call.

So you can just go to hell.

Ma'am, don't speak to me like that, please.

I'm a professional.

Well, you don't sound it.

I'm a licensed male nurse.

Yes, okay.

I believe it, too.

Well, I mean, I'm a smart person, and I command a bit of respect in this society.

Excuse me?

I command a bit of respect.

Well, I command a bit also, and I say that you can go to hell.

Now, did you hear that?

Did you hear that commandment?

Do you know?

Do you hell?

Go to hell.

Do you know what the Bible says about Jesus?

Can you hear me?

Do you listen to Jesus?

Do you listen to him?

I sure am.

No, you don't.

Dr. Nargis is a beautiful Catholic.

Good for him.

and I am ordained through the body and blood of Christ

to give you these instructions

good for him

about the stool sample ma'am

so I expect you wrote them down

because there's going to be a quiz

at the end of this conversation

go to hell

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern

why don't you shut the hell up

oh fuck you fucking people shit

be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com

okay that was great

what do you think about that

what are your thoughts

on that man i remember that now yeah i remember that now yeah pretty good oh that was a fun time

we had a great time with that i mean you remember me and you we laughed and laughed and laughed that

was so fun yeah anyway that continues on there's a part two to that even it continues this is still

sample part two is that the one with bubba this is the one with bubba this is the part with bubba

right here hello yes did you write all that down did i write and my favorite part of this you know

I tell her, you know, you've got to do a stool sample.

You've got to shove a carrot up your husband's ass.

Ha, ha, ha.

Later on, she thinks that I'm tracing the call for her from the phone company,

and I ask her if she did it, and it's funny.

You'll see what I mean.

What now?

All the instructions.

Yeah, and I had this call trace also.

How do you have a trace?

Come on.

Excuse me?

Did you turn on your tracing machine?

Tell me this.

What is it that you want?

What kind of nutcase are you?

I'm giving you important instructions about...

You know what?

I don't want your important instructions.

I do not want them.

So you take your instructions and give it to somebody else.

Okay, ma'am.

Or cram them up your behalf.

Do you want to know the truth?

No, I do not.

Because you can't even tell me anything that's true.

I'm telling you, I'm after you.

Goodbye, asshole.

I...

Ma'am.

oh man i was gonna tell her the truth here comes ted phone company go ahead hello yes this is the

phone company how may i help you one has called here this is the second time uh so just to make

sure you know this is we stayed on the line we didn't go anywhere she picked back up and thought

she was tracing the call and i tell her i'm with the phone company so here she thinks i don't know

how she didn't understand by the fact that the voice was the same but she thinks i'm with the

phone company to getting ready to trace this caller for her listen to the way i trace the

call it's genius genius well stay saying stupid things and i was told to dial and to have the

call traced okay just one moment i'm going to go ahead and trace that now can you hold please

yes i will okay here we go okay that's coming back negative ma'am did you insert the carrot

it all the way up into the anus and then extract it go to hell you lady you are one son of a bitch

excuse me identify yourselves i'm tapping into the line go to hell this is bubba johnson i'm

the operator from what's going on on this line right here and that's ted right there of course

breaking in as the operator getting ready to tap the whole situation getting down to business ted

Ted, as always, good work, Ted.

I'm trusting that you can hear this right now.

Go to hell.

All right.

And this is the conclusion, the wacky conclusion, which is...

Asshole.

This is almost nine minutes long, and I commend Ted on doing a great job with this.

Here we go.

Hello.

Good evening.

This is Bubba from...

Yeah.

I was just breaking in on the line there.

I won't charge you for the break.

Normally, it's 50 cents when we trace a call and break in on the call.

so i'm taking notes here i noticed that you received about three calls this evening from

a number um what is what is this so what is what is the content of the calls what was going on

uh the person asked to speak to my husband and he said he was a male nurse and he was

he wanted to give instructions to him a male nurse i'd throw that around like i'm a male

Male nurse.

Like, oh, okay.

All right, I'm an LMA and a licensed male nurse.

Like, that's an occupation right there, male nurse.

And he heard some doctor.

Like a wet nurse or something like that.

Or something told him to call because he is.

Hold on, please slow down.

I'm sorry, can you slow down?

I'm typing the same.

All right.

Hold on.

You said it was a male nurse.

Yes.

Called your husband, and then what did he tell your husband?

And you are from where now?

I'm a line technician.

Okay.

Okay, and the person said that they needed to give him some doctor's instructions about what is it that he could do so that his pressure would go down, and they gave him...

All right, his, what, blood pressure?

Yes.

Okay.

And I said, all right, but I wouldn't know about this.

I haven't heard him say anything about this.

And he continued and gave me instructions, and on the end he said, now, do you have a carrot?

Do you know about collecting a stool sample?

I said, what kind of stool sample?

And he said, well, you need.

This sounds like kid stuff.

This sounds like kids pulling a joke on me.

Well, it wasn't a kid.

I mean, it wasn't a kid.

This was an adult, a crazy adult.

the hook and he said take a carrot and stick it all the way up his ass he's what you can't write

that though well that's what they say you said you from there you said i'm just gonna put down

um i can't say harassing what would you call it i'm not well i call it harassing okay that's what

i call it you're okay you said you were a technician a line technician yeah i gotta take

Take notes because they're going to trace it back to who called you,

and we're going to send somebody out to his house tomorrow.

Okay.

And this is not the first time.

Okay, now hold on, hold on, hold on.

I got this filled in.

Okay, so what was you going to say before I cut you off?

I'm sorry.

I was going to tell you that this is not the first time.

It happened about a month ago also,

And I did, I was able to apprehend a couple of numbers, and I called the phone company,

and I was given, I was told to dial this fast, and they would trace the call.

I understand that.

All right.

Okay, what I need you to do, and I can finish up with you here.

All right, I got all the notes down, got your phone number.

How many calls did you say it was, three?

Mm-hmm.

Because three, you know, three is the limit, you know.

Well, you mean three is the limit.

Oh, if someone calls you more than three times, then it's considered, you know, someone can do something about that.

Oh, okay.

Well, why did the...

No, okay.

When I dialed, excuse me, let me tell you this.

When I dialed the star, I was told to call a number, a 1-800, and that I could do that at business hours.

And I never knew that...

She was told to call a 1-800, that's it.

That's how she called it.

I was trying to call a 1-800.

He was going to come in to inject and come in to on the line.

Yeah, I can interrupt the line.

Oh, okay.

Okay, I'm just making sure that you got it.

Now, next time this happens, okay, so next time it happens, if he calls back,

what I need you to do with your phone, okay,

I need you to dial the following sequence of numbers.

First, you got a pen?

Yeah, hold on a minute.

All right.

Where's my pen?

I'm in here.

Okay.

You got to be ready to take notes.

Hurry up.

Okay, I'm ready.

Okay, this is the number you got to call.

Okay.

Hit star.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

And then 4-

622-

3-

Uh-huh.

00-

Uh-huh.

I'm sorry.

That's 6-6.

My fault.

And you're a line technician?

No.

I don't tell you how to do your job.

Don't tell me how to do mine.

Now, who are you talking to?

And you're a line technician?

You're going to talk to a customer this way?

Look, let me just give you the number.

Okay, just let me give you the number.

Okay, and I'm listening for the number.

I love Ted almost cracking up and not necessarily cracking up.

We got very close to very good control there, Ted.

He actually added to the humor in that by almost cracking up.

You can hear the voice.

Let me just give you the number.

It sounds like you're losing it back there, like a black man just losing it.

You're the one that messed up.

I ain't been on the job that long, okay?

Cut me some slack.

You ain't been on the job that long.

Cut you some slack.

She's one to talk.

Like, she's correcting you for saying ain't.

After all the stuff she says, she said harassive, which obviously isn't a word.

She calls toll-free numbers 1-800s.

And she's made several other mistakes in her whole vernacular here.

She's giving you shit because you said ain't.

Oh, excuse me.

Excuse me, lady.

there ain't no word nigga you work for uh uh what is your name my name is cleatus i work for

okay cleatus and you work for i always stop you know i'm trying to help you here and you're just

finding fault with everything i do no i'm not either i'm finding fault with you're talking to

a customer this way normally a person or anybody connected with a phone system would not talk to

to a customer the way that you're talking.

All right, I'll take that as a point of personal improvement.

Well, frankly, I don't care how you take it.

I'm a customer, and if you're working for the company, you're working for the company.

I'm sorry, what did I say that was so bad?

I don't understand.

Well, you was giving me a number, and you didn't know the number yourself.

So, I'm questioning whether or not you are actually a worker or that fool that called me.

Now, I can give it a number to call.

Mm-hmm.

That fool.

Okay, if he calls back.

Let's just go back to that.

Okay, and what is your supervisor's name?

Okay, my supervisor's name is Jack Steven.

Okay, and his number?

All right, get it on.

I got it on the paper here.

Okay, it's 877.

Okay.

Okay, thank you very much, but I will deal with the company and your person if this is correct.

I'll deal with them.

All right, can I just give you the number to call already and stop?

No, I don't want the number to call.

I don't want to talk to you anymore.

Then why you got to be disrespecting me like this?

Goodbye.

bye and right here just to explain what's going on she keeps hanging up and picking it right back

up dialing star five seven real quickly and thinking she's tracing the call not knowing

that we're still on the line so me and ted here will laugh and talk and she's not paying attention

she'll talk in the background yeah well she thinks she's tracing every time so here it is tracing and

i'm telling her i'm with sprint and the beeps you hear that's me beeping out sprint and i'm

beeping out the names of the companies to protect cotton a black people named cotton that's great

hang on uh here you know that's a slave name man you know that's not their name from africa

i'm just saying anyway here here's the conclusion now again we're still on the line me and ted and

she's picking right up thinking that she's she's tracing us because any two times you're talking to

it didn't sound like it this is jack hello this is jack jack who jack lasterson oh you work with

uh what how can i help you well i'm i want to speak to a manager do you have an extension of

the name please no i don't i want to speak to it doesn't matter any manager what's your routing

number what's my routing number i need the number to route you to okay i don't have one and what is

your name and that's it that's the conclusion that's as far as we got with them so that is wow

i think we made a total of six seven calls to that house all together in two weeks that was

the last one we haven't talked to them since that's adolphus adolphus cotton who talked to

reclude originally about his big black gun yeah you gotta love that man gotta love that i've got

like a second wind here who out of all i know ted and tucker around is there anybody else who's

listening right now who's able to i mean i'm talking here on team speak anybody else is

interacting still make yourself known right now please make yourself known right now okay that's

me oh yeah okay oh yeah all right wise fools here we got pez boys pez boys here we got venison maybe

he's coming in i'm listening to a high speed chase venison is listening to high speed chase is that

is that live venison is it a live high speed chase venison yeah listening to the police scanner right

right now cool as hell oh dude can you put that on i'd like to hear a live chase man let us know

about that come on let us hear that man that's breaking news here uh milkman play the breaking

news live chase where's venison live oregon well no no no i'm up here in new jersey the thing is

they broke it off in the town next door went up there and took it up uh but about almost

immediately afterwards the guy got into an accident so they nabbed him ah damn it it's over we missed

that we miss that i love police chases man i haven't seen a good live police police chase

on tv in like eight years the last one i saw here in orlando the guy it was christmas time

and he had he got upset at his wife uh over over the shopping and he got in the suv and he he

started driving down and he said he was going to commit suicide and the cops tore off after him

because they were trying to get him because he made this big scene in the mall the cop showed

showed up, he ran away, called 911, said, I'm going to shoot myself, I got a gun, and

then the wife said, yeah, he's got a gun in the glove compartment, he could do it, and

the cops chased him down, and he pulled over on the side of the major highway that goes

right through downtown Orlando, it's like the artery of Orlando, as far as traffic is

concerned, traffic stopped going both ways, SWAT teams all covering from the overpass,

and the guy shoots himself live on TV on Christmas, the day before Christmas Eve, two

Two days before Christmas Day.

And that's when I said, you know what?

I've given up on local news.

I think they're a bunch of shit because it would play something like that live.

What's the point of that?

The guy shot himself live, man.

He killed himself on live TV.

It was crazy.

It was wicked.

Cool.

Yeah, it was wickedness, man.

Wickedness.

All because of some, I think it was some kind of stupid argument they said in the end.

It was some stupid, dumb argument at the mall.

And he got all emotional.

He probably had other problems, you know.

She's probably touching him in bad places and stuff.

Women do that.

that they think, you know, there's such a thing as a man being harassed by a woman.

Right, Ted?

Ted knows.

That can happen, too.

That has happened.

Of course they do that to me.

You know, it has happened to me, too.

It has happened to me.

I've been harassed sexually at work before, and I felt uncomfortable,

and I brought it up to human resources before.

And I urge anybody out there listening, whoever feels uncomfortable

or is touched anywhere inside their bathing suit area at work,

to let your human resource director know

or your immediate supervisor.

If you happen to be molested by your immediate supervisor

and your human resource director at the same time,

you let me know, and I'll take care of things.

That's Carlito at MadHouseLive.com.

That's me in my swimsuit area.

Mm-hmm.

Let's go.

Loud.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, man.

Can you hear me?

Yeah.

Hey, what's up, Bill Clinton?

I can still remember that song.

Bill Clinton out here

what's up Brandon Vegas

how you doing Brandon

hey man

this is Bass

hey

oh hey Bass

how you doing man

it's good to talk to you

hey

alright

I think I had my

microphone

un-configured

oh good

well now it's all

configurated huh

alright

son of a bitch

alright we're gonna call

Big Daddy's

I got my second win here

everybody

my second win is coming

there it is

we're ready to do more

I'm excited about more

prank calls

yeah

this is the next prank call of the night

we're going to be calling here

and Ted feel free to call back in after I do this one

or anybody else who wants to call in

the toll free line is open

you can join us here tonight

at 888-278-8509

we're just relaxing super late at night

and I'm doing prank calls

I just had some coffee

I'm awake

I'm probably not going to go to sleep

until 4 in the morning now

I think I deserve that

I think I deserve it

I had a rough week

just letting some steam off here

so anyway we're going to call

Big Daddy's Barbecue in Alaska

apparently they're still answering this is the operator with a collectible from except the

charges one now you guys still sitting tonight or is it too late oh good can i get some appetizers

to go let's get our pen and paper out and let's all put our thinking caps on and take some orders

okay let me know when you're ready all right shut up have your thinking cap on all right well i asked

you do you have your thinking cap on it's very important it's always on oh super what what kind

What kind of appetizer maters do you have?

What kind of appetizer?

Do you have there, in your spaces?

Do you want like, meat or nachos?

You got anything fried? Fried.

Anything fried? Yeah.

French fries? Oh, shit.

The toothpicks are good, it's like onions

and jalapenos fried, deep fried.

Do you fry them in canola oil, or what exactly?

No. Can you find out?

Stuff. Oh, the good stuff.

The lard. Oh, god.

Yes, I love it.

I love the lard.

Can I get some of that in a cup, please, also on the side?

We fry it in whale blubber.

Do you have any gristle?

No, I would like a gristle and cheese sandwich.

No, can you ask, do you have any steak gristle, anything like that?

No, seriously, a gristle and cheese sandwich with mayonnaise,

and I'll have, and some french fries.

Do you have adobo?

Adobo.

Adobo?

Yes.

It's a spice called adobo.

What about Old Bay?

Do you have Old Bay or anything you could put on the French fries?

Like a Cajun type of seasoning.

I mean, it would just go great.

But I really want that gristle and cheese sandwich with mayo.

If I could help you, I would, really.

Do you guys have au jus?

Do you have au jus?

But not after 10.

Oh, but you got some in the fridge, right?

It's

usually buried under all the stuff that they put away.

But you know when you have au jus?

If you like gristle, you should get burnt ends and french fries.

Okay, another thing.

You know what I love?

You know when you leave a big thing of au jus sauce or gravy in the fridge

and it separates the fat to the top.

You get that cocky puck of fat.

I love, I eat that like an ice cream sandwich.

800 pounds?

I'm 428 pounds.

428 pounds.

The last time I weighed, that was about five days ago with Dr. Nargis.

Yeah.

Okay, what can I really get you?

I asked you for a gristle sandwich, my baby.

How about your phone number, baby?

No, that's not available either.

How about I call and make dirty noises on the phone like this?

Who this is.

Who?

Oh, my God.

You don't know who this is.

Tell me who it...

Who am I?

Who are you?

You know who I am.

Come on.

Does your name start with an N and start with...

End with an N?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

I'm so crazy tonight.

I'm smoking and drinking.

I'm sorry.

Don't tell anybody.

All right, you cunt.

Bye.

Fucking cunt.

I hate you.

Hold on.

Cunt.

She's a cunt.

Fucking C word

Love my job

Oh shit

That went everywhere

That was awesome

The hell was that all about

Good job

I'm sorry about the C word

Good job

I'm sorry ladies

I'm sorry any ladies

That was funny

Oh shit

She took it so bad

At the end

Fuck that cunt

Oh my god

Who did she think of

As Nathan

I was like

Oh my god

Yeah

I could even

Like Nathan

Called us cunts

Uh oh

That's her right there

This is from Canada

Why are Canadians

is calling so expensive i'm gonna make this quick canada you're on the air what's going on canada

bc huh you got the good bud right is that is that who we talked to that's weed man uh what's up all

right well canada this is this is an expensive call for me because you're calling from another

country so okay but thank you for thank you for sending that in she was talking too low so i had

to make it quick yeah that's too bad you gotta keep trying her though man i will maybe i'll

She is like the bitch.

All right.

She got fired for being a bitch.

She was horse-playing, horsing around, right?

No, she wasn't horse-playing.

She was being a bitch because other people were horse-playing

because they were joking about kicking each other in the nuts,

and she got offensive over it.

Oh, well, too bad, right?

Yeah.

She probably has some nuts herself, doesn't she?

Well, she was like...

Listen, listen.

Just between me and you, did you ever see your sister naked?

That was a long time ago, but no, not recently.

I'm an only child, so I don't know how it would be.

Like, I don't understand that.

No, man.

Like, wouldn't it be cool?

I didn't do shit like that.

It wouldn't be cool to do that?

Like, look at her naked?

I'm thinking about it.

You're laughing because you're thinking about it.

You want to know if I see my sister naked?

When's the last time you saw her naked?

You're that old?

Yeah, I'm 44.

She's like 60.

You sound like you're 10.

I'm 64.

We just went through that argument today.

They don't...

I'm in 60...

I was born in 63.

Oh, jeez.

I still got color in my hair, and I'm...

You got that going for you.

all right canada i gotta go with thanks for calling me man take care hey thanks for answering

the call and thanks for calling no problem gotta keep calling her we will man we'll keep fighting

the fight man all right bye canada that's sweet man everybody see ya yeah canada canada everybody

canada man on the line what a goof that guy drunk off his ass and it's hey he totally says like he's

20 he says he's 40 something i ain't 40 something you know 40 something year olds in canada man

They all migrate somewhere else.

Ah, woosah.

Hey, on a somewhat related note, I've got a question for you.

What's that?

A moral question for you.

Yes.

And I banged across this question once before on my show, and I got some real interesting answers.

Okay.

There was a Star Trek episode where, you know, due to a transporter screw-up,

you know, some of the away team, including, oh, what's this stupid?

Yeah, Chief O'Brien's wife basically got turned into little kids.

Oh, Keiko, yes.

So basically, Chief O'Brien's wife being a 35-year-old.

That's when the Ferengi took over the show.

They took over the ship.

Yeah, I remember that.

I know who you're talking about.

Nerd alert.

Yeah.

Now, the thing is, if your wife is still your wife, it's her mind and everything else.

She's still a 30-year-old or something plus woman.

but she now has a 12-year-old body, what would you do?

I don't know.

That's still, I don't know.

I mean, she was changed back.

Technically, she didn't go back in age.

We don't have any going back in time in this.

She's the same age.

She's just of a smaller appendage.

It's a whole age thing.

I don't know, but that would be kind of freaky, right, because it would be a kid.

Wow.

What if it was your best guy friend,

and what if his brain got implanted into a very hot woman?

let's say whoever the most attractive woman is out there to you if they implanted her brain into

into her would you still would you be able to bang her i mean it's the it's the brain of your

best guy friend but it's the body of an extremely hot woman let's say pick any woman if you're into

angelina jolie let's pick her but with your best guy friend's brain would you be in violation would

that be gay it's a woman the body's a woman i need to close the blinds here speak come on round table

Let's go.

Snappy.

Oh, my God.

What's the question?

The body is a woman, but the brain is of your best friend who is a man.

Right.

So, Ted, let's say we take Tuck here and we take Tuck's brain out of his body and we put it inside, I don't know, XXX Hot Woman.

Who's a hot woman these days?

I don't know.

I'm engaged.

I don't look at women anymore.

Let's say, I don't know.

Is anybody here into Christina Aguilera?

I don't know.

Is that a hot woman?

What's a hot woman these days?

I don't know.

I don't keep in touch with that kind of thing.

Neither do I.

Ted's not attracted to women.

I'm kidding.

Anyway, let's say Carmen Electra.

Carmen Electra.

Let's say we...

Okay, we're going to put Tuck's brand inside Carmen Electra.

Carmen's looking kind of played.

Carmen's played out, man.

All right, Denise Richards.

I don't know.

I heard she porked up.

I heard Denise Richards had porked up a lot lately.

This is a hard one.

I don't know, I guess we have to go to...

Let's just say...

All right, let's just say that it's a beautiful eastern...

Not eastern.

Hey, Ted, let's say it's your wife.

Northern European woman.

Well, let's say your wife.

Let's say we put Tuck's brain inside your wife's body.

So it's Tuck mentally, but physically it's a woman just like your wife.

And if you had relations with it, what would it be?

Would you be in violation of the straight man code?

I don't know.

That's a very...

And it's something that is possible in our lifetime, everybody.

Don't deny it.

It might be possible in our lifetime that that could happen.

You could have your brain implanted in someone else's body.

The thing is that sex is physical.

I think that physical attributes would apply and not be crossing the homo barrier.

Well, I mean, but it's mental for a woman.

I don't know.

I mean, well, I think attraction is multifaceted.

It's not only what the person looks like, it's also what they say and how they move and, you know, body language.

So, Tuck is unlikely to have correct female body language if his brain was transplanted in a female body.

I don't know.

Like, he may sit, like, with his legs spread out with a bag of chips on his chest, you know?

I can't believe you've been entertaining the thought, Ted.

I'm kind of disappointing you.

This was a test the whole time.

He didn't realize.

Ted is outed.

All right.

Who else do we have to call here?

Don't even ask me.

My brain just blue screens on that question.

I was going to put the question.

I'm kidding, guys.

We don't need to know.

That's private information.

It's a whole can of worms.

Now, we know that you're planning something with the body.

Well, you came up with that whole question, but it's not that.

Anyway, so we've got the Flying Machine Restaurant here that I can call.

We also have Charlie's Angels, Howdy Doody's Tavern,

in Alice's Restaurant.

Hey, isn't there a song

about Alice's Restaurant?

You can get anything you want

at Alice's Restaurant.

I don't do that.

I want to call Japan.

Arlo Guthrie.

That's right.

That gets played

every Thanksgiving, huh?

That's right.

Let me call Alice's Restaurant

then and complain about that.

I don't appreciate that song.

Every Thanksgiving

I hear that stupid song.

Whistles go woo.

Hello, the whistles go woo.

Is this Alice's Restaurant?

Can we talk about something,

please, you and me,

seriously, right now?

Do you have a pen and paper handy?

That'd be a good idea.

I'll send that to Ted.

We're overtooken.

You talk too fast

Cocaine

Is it cocaine or cocaine-y?

How does cocaine-y talk?

How do you pronounce that cocaine?

Is that cocaine or cocaine-y?

Place a call

Shut up

How do you pronounce a cocaine?

Are you even talking?

Does anybody know?

What's your suggestion?

What do you think, Tuck?

How do you pronounce that?

K-O-K-A-N-N-E

Cocaine

It's the name of a Canadian beer

Oh, that sounds good

You guys having fun over there?

Talking in baby talk like Adam Sandler?

Adam Sandler is over here.

Little baby Adam Sandler.

You like a chocolate?

Oh, man.

Who did that?

Who made some pretty good beer?

Alright, let's take it easy here.

You guys are starting to turn into milkmen.

Give me a moment here.

I got to settle the phone here in just a moment.

You people entertain the people with some banter about something.

Come on.

You got to take the floor for a minute here.

Go ahead.

Take it away.

You would like my penis.

You got to call Walmart.

We need to start doing their conference calls again.

That's good.

Yeah.

What?

Wait.

We're going to make some changes up in here.

God damn it.

That sounds great.

Now look at here.

Now look at here now.

We're going to have some changes here.

your phone is ringing it's the same fucking canadian faggot who won't stop calling son of a

bitch i hate it i'm trying to get to block his number because he keeps calling like a psycho

bitch now i'm in union bay british columbia my phone number is 250-335 i'll give it out

motherfucker you don't stop calling you had your one call you call once that's all you get one call

That's all you get.

You're lucky I gave you your one call.

You stop calling me now.

Right now.

You old bastard.

No, I'll call.

Oh, Canada, no.

Oh.

You keep calling.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to stop it.

What, what, what?

Here's an announcement, Ted.

Play the announcement, please.

Announcement music, if you could, please.

Thank you.

Carlito has just blocked the province of British Columbia from calling in,

all because of that guy, Weed Man.

I just clicked add right now.

have blocked the province of British Columbia.

And just like that, his phone call dropped.

So if anybody, all our listeners from the great province of British Columbia

have Weed Man now to thank for being a dick

and not stop calling over and over and over again

when I told you, you get your one shot.

So what happened now?

Now we had to shut down British Columbia,

the closest thing that we have to Amsterdam in North America.

Now it's gone from the show.

Why? We have Weed Man to thank.

Thank you, Weed Man, everybody.

Everybody, a good round of applause for Weed Man for ruining it for British Columbia and Madhouse from now on forever.

Eternally banned.

Yay.

That will make all the other regions think.

That will make all of you listening, Ottawa.

What are the other regions?

British Columbia, we already talked about them.

Newfoundland.

What are?

Give me some more.

Alberta.

That's right.

Quebec.

Newfoundland.

I said Newfoundland.

Saskatchewan.

See, they're all coming out now.

Now, report and pay attention to what I say, Canada.

Ontario.

Yukon.

Anything to do with Newfoundland.

The Yukon Territory.

All of you listening here, you're all included in this warning.

If you continue your assaults on me, calling me consistently, I will ban the entire country of Canada from this show.

I don't know.

I'm in Washington State.

That's a little too close to comfort for me.

You're kind of touching it.

You're a Canada toucher.

Make a preemptive block.

We're going to take out Montana while we're at it.

I got a survey result for you.

Survey result coming in.

Go ahead.

What is that survey result?

In answer to your question of if you implanted your best friend's brain,

a male friend's brain into the hottest woman in the world's body,

would you still bugger?

The resounding answer was, oh, hell no.

Oh, wow.

Really?

It says a resounding no.

About 15 people.

That is very loud, what I just did.

Wow.

Well, there you go.

No, resounding no, everybody.

Now, what about the other way around?

What if it was the woman's brain and your best guy, Fred's body?

Would you do it?

What do you think, Brandon?

What do you think, Tuck?

What would you do?

Tuck doesn't even answer.

I'm kidding.

All right, so yeah, like I said, we just banned British Columbia from calling into the show for the next 10 days.

Baz says they should stay on their side of the border.

Very good, Baz.

Good point, man.

Baz gets a golden star for the night on 98.6.

98.6.

No.

A gold star for Baz right there.

Enjoy your gold star, man.

Congratulations.

Thanks, man.

You got it, man.

Continuing on, we have more people to call, more things to do.

Good job.

Very good, very good stuff.

We've got the Yellow Brick Road and Pub.

Road Pub.

The Yellow Brick Road Pub, rather, in Tulsa, Oklahoma, coming up next at you on the mouth.

Just one moment, please.

Hey, yo, I'm slippin', I'm fallin', I can't get up

Hey, yo, I'm slippin', I can't get up

Hey, yo, I'm slippin', I'm fallin', I can't get up

I got a call, I learned right quick

I've been too mad, it gave me a walkin' stick

Racist

Yell like that

Why did you yell on the phone on me?

What is your name?

93

Is there a reason you had to yell on the phone like that?

That was very loud

Apologize, please

Say, I am

Say that

She sounds hot

I am

I'm sorry

Apologize

I'm sorry

That's my girl, you say it like I said

Take down my order for a hamburger machine, please.

We don't have yours here.

What do you have, then, in your machine?

What do you have in your machine?

We don't have anything.

You don't serve any food there at the pub?

No, a foodie at a bar.

Okay, can I get a beer to go, then?

Stupid bitch.

Say, I am unbodied.

Stupid bitch, you know.

That was Ted's idea.

He sent me to IM.

Stupid bitch.

I slipped and fall.

Now I can't get up.

You all slipped, I'll fail.

I can't get up.

My bad.

I got my life called break.

My bad, I fell down

Oh man

I'm gonna call Walmart and tell them that

That I slipped and I fell and I can't get up

I'm getting back on my feet so I can tear shit up

I'll be right back with that

Tear shit up, dawg

Yeah

I meant to change my voice

So, here's where I'm at

Falling

Hardware?

Hey, give me one moment, I'll get a manager over there

Can I talk to the manager first, please?

Okay, but

Since?

This guy wants to talk to you.

I'm falling, and I can't get up.

This guy wants to talk to you.

He said he fell down.

He's on the floor now.

Talk to him.

Hello?

Yo, man, I fell down, and I can't get up.

Yo, I slip, I fall.

I can't get up, dog.

And I can't get up.

I got my life called bracelet, so come pick me up.

Ask if it's true.

Yo, man, I got my plunger all stuck up in the toilet.

It's in the toilet.

Toilet.

You know, it's really messed up.

The way that I learned how to mispronounce every word in the English language

was because I went to a really bad grade school.

That's fine.

Terry, can I help you?

Terry, are you the manager?

Are you the plunger department manager, or am I talking to plungers?

I am the assistant manager of the store.

Of the plungers.

Plunger.

Plunger got stuck to the flow.

Okay, you know when I have plunger, it got stuck to the flow.

It's a tough flow.

Pulled up, plunger wouldn't come up.

Stayed on the floor, and the stick came out of the plunger.

Understand what I'm saying?

You did what?

I slip and I fall and now I can't get up.

I'm going to get back on my feet so I can tear this shit up.

As you come over here and take care of this problem.

I want you to stay on the line and take me on the phone over there.

Well, you have a cordless phone.

No, I do not.

You don't have a cordless phone at Walmart?

I do not have a cordless phone.

I just looked at a cordless phone, a Uniden cordless phone for $10.99.

What was that?

That cordless phone up to the phone machine.

Now this bitch won't call nobody to pick me up.

Can't get up.

I said, look, I'm falling.

I can't get up.

Falling.

I can't get up.

This bitch won't call nobody to pick me up.

And I can't get up.

Oh, shit.

That brings me back.

Try to listen while she don't say it on the line.

Because I'm listening to you, lady.

Now look at here.

I'm falling.

And I can't get up.

Get up.

I'm falling.

Bitch don't fail me now.

I'm carrying shit up.

I'm falling.

You should play that for her.

Seriously, dude.

Send me a link.

I was like 11 years old and I had my dad's video camera me and my best friend Leroy filmed filmed

like a spoof on the live call commercial where she's like I've fallen and I can't get up he was

like he would just hang around the corner like we'd film him like hiding on the corner with a

baseball bat and I would hobble up gingerly with a fake cane and he would slam the baseball bat

into my chest and we'd be like i'm falling i can't get out that's funny oh man i'm trying

to get a hold of her but i still have that on video i'm trying to get a hold of her back on

the other line here until i'm i've been waiting for too long on the whole day yeah i'm holding

on the other line i'm on the red line right now and i'm still holding why is that my name is my

name is john blackman this is john blackman this is rufus washington this is rotisserie wallace

that's my name my name is fire grill my name is Marshall fire grill hello who is this this is

Marshall Wallace I'm holding on the other line and no one's come back on the line yet okay what

are you holding for well I said that I don't call for the plunger department and I was speaking to

the plunger lady where is plunger woman now I have a guy over in hardware well let me speak to him

Jack?

Motherfucker.

They hung up?

On the other end, they did.

Yes?

Yes, hello.

I am still holding on the other line for the man in hardware.

How can I help you?

Yes, hello.

Is this the hardware manager?

Hardware manager, isn't it?

Who am I speaking with?

I'm Ron.

Mr. Ron, I don't put a plunger on the tile floor.

You know what I'm saying?

I'll tell you what, I've just been over there.

Well, well, no, no, no, no, no.

You listen to me.

Who is this on the line right now?

I hung up on your end.

Are you hanging up on me?

Who was that who was just on the line right now talking?

Explain yourself, what is your name?

My name is Ron.

My name is Earthquake Wallace.

Earthquake Wallace.

Put a plunger down on the floor on the top floor.

I didn't say I was up in there right now.

I said I fell down in my house.

You understand what I'm saying?

You see, I was talking to this lady and I told her, look, I don't put the plunger on the floor and it got stuck to the floor.

And I pulled up on the plunger and the wood stick done come out and I've fallen and I can't get up.

Now when I get back on my feet, I'm gonna go tear shit up and I got a wooden stick already mother fucker

Now I don't be shopping in this stick on the ground

You listen to me

I said did when did I say I have sure I have this I have this on the control you understand

I never said I was coming down to your establishment.

I said I'm going to get up.

I'm going to be mad.

I got a stick in my hand.

I done hit my woman twice already.

Are you enjoying this, sir?

Are you enjoying calling Walmart at 2 o'clock in the morning?

Are you enjoying ruining the American economy?

Oh, your health crisis and your Walmart tax, huh?

Are you the one who called up the other night wanting the Ludacris CDs, too?

No.

Find out, man.

Did you trace my number?

Oh, man.

Don't tell my mom.

Oh, shit.

Man, don't tell my mom.

Please don't tell my mom.

She

said, now,

Venison, I understand, has a new response to the survey.

New answer to the survey.

Go ahead, Venison.

Is Venison even here?

That fucker.

Why is Ted on mute?

Did I mute Ted?

Ted's unmuted.

I don't know why that happened.

That was kind of fun, Ted.

You missed a good prank call.

I need a cricket sound effect for time.

Why am I muted?

I don't know how you got muted.

I think I assumed you were Milkman.

I don't know.

That was kind of fun.

Love messing with Walmart.

Love talking to them.

Good people at Walmart.

And their Walmart tax.

I'm going to call it a show right now

No, because it's 312 and I'm tired.

I finally lost my second wind.

It's over.

Thank you guys for being on.

Ted, Baz, Cocaine, Pezboy, Tuck, Wise, Fool, everybody else who's listening live.

Wherever you're listening to us right now, I thank you all.

We're going to call it a show.

It's over.

Thank you guys, as I said.

It's been good having you on, especially you, Ted.

You really came through tonight.

You're the man.

And Lonesome Loser, of course.

Thanks for doing the show.

Can't forget the loser of the lonesome.

And good luck with the new PCU

Yes

So the PCU server is going to be changing again

Yeah I know right

People will follow

Yes it's going to move

Because I think KDK is taking his

KDK is going to turn his stream

Into fart steam radio

Fart steam radio I like that

That's cool man

That's not steamy though

That's not a steamy one

That's more steamy

We got to find a steamy one here

here for them. There's not much steam in these farts.

Yummy. This is my

favorite one, though. It's got the bowl action

right there. Dude, that one sounds like

someone lost a couple organs.

You should see a doctor

if you sound like that. Someone lost

about eight foot of intestine in that one right there.

It just came right out.

It left a kidney in there.

God, man. That must have looked nice

in that bowl. Alright, folks, we're out of here.

Good night, everybody. Thank you. I don't know.

I'm wondering. No, go ahead, Ted.

No, continue, please. Alright, later, man. Thanks.

Ted's going to say something.

Say something, Ted.

Revolution.

No, I'm curious about whether people really care about PCU anymore.

I don't know.

I think KDK turned a lot of people off to it with his attitude.

But I'm not going to talk bad about the guy.

But I think that's partly with what happened.

It was just a constant.

It just seems like it's lost a lot of momentum.

A lot of steam.

No, the fart steam is somewhere else now.

The steam has been diverted to the fart steam.

Well, maybe all it needs is a new coat of paint and just some normal...

I don't know, though.

Does that mean KDK won't do shows anymore?

I don't think that means that.

I don't know.

I would think he'd still do a show.

I don't know.

Yeah.

You know, I haven't been around for a while with him,

but I would expect that he would want to do a show on your streams, too.

I don't know.

Maybe he just wants to alienate himself completely.

I don't know.

Who knows what's going on in his head?

Maybe he thinks this is a new start.

Maybe he just wants to do his own thing altogether.

Get out of prank calls or something.

I don't know.

I haven't listened to him.

I can't gauge your response.

He told me something about that.

He said that he thinks that people like it better when I run PCU than when he runs it,

and that it would be better if I ran it.

Okay.

It might be.

I seem to hear that from his side.

I've heard him make that statement before, like months and years.

Like, a year ago, he said that once before.

It was, you know, when you first came around again and were running the rotation,

it seemed like a positive thing he said himself.

So, I don't know.

I mean, I really get the feeling he just wants to do his own thing.

I think he's really into the punk rock thing lately.

He's got a lot of the music, and I think he just wants to kind of do his own.

He's trying to get more listeners.

I think he believes that he can get more listeners doing stand-up comedy and punk rock

for an internet radio stream.

That might be the key.

I think he's found a niche there, or a niche.

Yeah.

Because I don't think there are many

Let me look in Shoutcast right now

How many Punk Rock

Oh man, I am so gassy

Let me see how many Punk Rock

If I put in Punk in Shoutcast Radio

Let's see here

Let's get a total hit off

And hey, more luck to him, man

I mean, I don't hold any grudges

I'm not angry over the whole way he treated me

Which is part of ways, you know

Just wasn't working anymore, it's fine

We're okay, we're still doing the show

I'm not one to care about how many people listen

I've been doing this show for like 9, 10 people all night tonight

And that's fine with me, I don't mind

I don't mind that.

Actually, technically right now we have 13 listeners.

Not bad for 3.17 in the morning to have 13 listeners.

It's not bad at all.

This will all be on the podcast.

Yeah, it's pretty good for 3.17.

Yep, yep, yep.

All right, so if I put P-U-N-K, I hit go, and it's searching.

Do-do-ba-do-do-do-do-do-do.

There's quite a few stations here, actually.

Wow.

There's one station that has 1,342 listeners.

There's a punk station called I-Dobby Radio that has 1,342 listeners.

Wow.

There's not too many states.

There's a lot of punk stations here.

Or a lot of them that have, like, their genre states as punk.

We got a caller.

This is the Milkman joining in again.

Oh, Milkman.

Ask him how the Rascal Scooters are coming together.

You're back on the air, Milkman.

Hello.

Hey, man, what's going on?

I know TalkShoe locked up again, man.

TalkShoe locked up again.

TalkShoe is not working.

You haven't been able to listen to it.

When I call back, you tell me I'm locked out of the conference now.

Yeah.

I can hear you.

12-48.

Net 12-48.

I signal, and then I try to call back.

Yeah, happened to us, too, man.

Over here, all of a sudden, they said, oh, you've been locked.

What is that noise?

Really?

Walkie-talkie?

Ketaki?

Milkman sucks, dude.

I'm sure he'll call in a second.

Sean Ward.

Sean Ward is checking in.

Sean Ward, very late.

A very late Sean Ward.

Yeah, he just signed in.

Let me invite him to call in if he's not too late for him.

I don't think he's listening.

He just signed in right now.

Not to put him on the spot.

Yeah, we'll see if he calls in.

And if not, we might end the show.

Anyway.

I wonder what he's been up to.

Oh, he's in a hotel in Halliburton.

Halliburton is evil.

Halliburton?

Where's Halliburton?

Halliburton is evil.

Well, he's not listening.

You're dictating.

Yeah, he can't call in.

That's fine.

Well, thank you, Sean Ward, for being around, dude.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

He says, not the company, the town.

One L.

Okay.

Cool.

All right, well, that's Sean Ward, everybody.

The crazy Sean Ward.

SeanWard.net is in the house.

That's it.

Yay.

We're done.

done. Alice, do you guys have any other bright ideas

or topics to talk about?

I got a discovery piece to you

with Sean Ward. Yep, Sean Ward

is a talented guy, man. He's a good dude.

We've got a bunch of numbers for

Walmarts, but I'm kind of burnt out on Walmart already.

So, yeah. I call it a show.

Good night, everybody. Good night, good night,

and good night. We'll be here Thursday night.

Thursday night. Thursday night.

Yay!

Revolution, right here.

No.

at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Are you fucking stupid?

Be sure to visit us online

at madhouselive.com.

Calls (19, 1 h 25 min of 2 h 39 min)

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