2007-12-13 Show

And who plays What Happens in America?

Well, we steamed your ass in World War II.

What do you have to say?

I never did.

And who helped you out just now?

You piss off, woman.

Don't talk to me like that.

We don't need you anyway, bitch.

Shut up, bitch.

Call me a stinky, stinky fucker.

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

Introduce the star of our show.

Who?

The young man you've all been waiting for, Mr. Soul.

So what do you say?

Let's all get together and welcome him to the stand with a great big hat.

Jesus Christ has arrived everybody

Baby Jesus is here tonight

I hope you're all ready for the most beautiful person in the world

Come bring his beauty to you

Making beautiful times tonight everybody

Madhouse Radio

Tuck that's not who I'm talking about

I'm not talking about you my friend

But I'm here

And I'm Carlito

I am Carlito

I'm the HNIC

Here with me tonight of course is none other than

The Madhouse crew headed by

The Milkman

Milkman, how are you doing tonight, sir?

Man, what's this thing called?

I am.

Good job, man.

Hey, man.

You're like the 80s class, man.

What's this little story I hear about you getting all these high grade points and stuff?

What?

I got Bs.

I'm talking about, baby.

We're going to have some fun tonight.

Yeah.

We're going to have fun.

We're going to have fun tonight, everybody.

We're going to get traced by AT&T security and everything tonight.

Everybody put your drinks up and take a good sip.

I see Tuck is here and Brandon and Vegas.

At least we clasped our fingers and prayed.

Yeah.

I see Tuck and Brandon and Vegas are here.

How are you guys?

Say it.

Say it now.

Say it.

We are it.

We are on.

We are with it.

Say it loud.

Say it proud, everybody.

We're all for you now.

I see a lot of people in the chat room.

I'd like to thank all of you who are joining us in the chat room tonight.

It's always nice to have a beautiful crowd out there.

You people are beautiful.

Give yourselves a round of applause.

The crowd, the fans, tonight get a gold star.

All right, man.

That's what I'm talking about.

I made out them stars, man.

That's right.

You're all stars, man.

We love you all.

Save your gold stars, man.

They're worth their weight in Madhouse dollars, man.

With Carlito's picture on the front.

You can use those in the Madhouse store.

Go to madhouselive.com.

Check out the Madhouse store.

Waste lots of money on them.

The Madhouse-ness.

Yeah.

I'd like to thank Lonesome Loser for showing up.

We see the Deads around, Fall, Big Falls around.

We see Jill, MST3 Clay, Nunu.

Nunu, we had a heated conversation this week earlier.

Talented Mr. Ripley's out there.

Deathlock, Big Zolar.

Zolar Party Nation will be on tomorrow night at 10 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

At this time, less than 24 hours, you can hear Zolar and his Party Nation on.

That's going to be tomorrow night in less than 24 hours.

so be sure to check that out

and go to Zolarkast.com

go to SyndicateRadio.tv

I'm with Dino

and all his friends over there

Dino will be on someday

I don't know

Dino will be on soon

be sure you check all that out

any plugs Tuck

what's going on with you

prank call that info

what's the deal with the Revolutuk

Revolutuktion

what's up with that

um you know

it's a choppy road

and roller coaster

but at 4 o'clock on Sunday

you can hear me either

doing a great show

or screwing up like a motherfucker.

You guys get yourself some genuine snake oil.

Tuck Show will be giving that out.

That's going to be this coming Sunday at 4 p.m.

Be sure to check him out.

He does a good job.

He does a good fucking job.

Yeah.

Living and I'm fresh.

You want to reach me here tonight?

It warms to the touch.

That snake oil does.

It warms to the touch.

It's something queer like that.

You want to reach me tonight on the messengers?

I didn't mean that.

Milkman's words, not mine.

If you're using AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger, AOL and Yahoo Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio is my messaging nickname.

And, yeah, whatever.

I have an announcement to make.

I'm going to fart in the microphone.

Everybody ready for that?

All right.

Let's listen to that.

That was a weak one and a strong one.

Wow, that's a mighty.

A lot of bass.

Wow, not on microphone.

I've got to take this off.

That smells bad.

Oof.

Wow.

You guys smell that?

It's good.

Good stuff right there.

Good stuff.

Chicken.

Yeah.

That wasn't chicken.

We're going to be doing prank calls tonight.

Lonesome Loser will be checking in here in a second with some numbers.

It still smells like it.

Lonesome Loser will be checking in with some numbers here soon.

We look forward to that.

We have a phone card.

Thank you, Milkman, for supplying the phone card.

And as I said before, everybody, be sure to be ready to call in when the time is appropriate.

Milkman, what is that toll-free line for tonight?

Please let the ladies know if you could.

Ladies and gentlemen, that number is 888-278-8509.

that's right our time you just give us your time yeah thank you i just want to be honest with you

all that i'm i'm in an altered state tonight and i don't plan on doing much of a show i hope to be

able to do pranks if i can't i'm sorry um i've got uh got a lot of stuff going on right now in my

life and i think the least of which i need to be concerned about is doing a bad show so i'm going

to do the best i can and if you notice i started late tonight and you notice the audio quality is

a little low tonight, and that's going to be going all over the place. Well, that's

just the way it is. Lonesome Loser again, as I said, we'll be checking. Ah, he's already

checked in with numbers. Here we go. We've got some numbers coming in from Lonesome Loser

here. These are from last week. Send him a good old yellow. What's in the news, man?

Anything? I heard the coach of the Atlanta Falcons is leaving. That's beautiful. Good

for him. What else has happened? Gentlemen, I know some stuff happened. Yeah, did a bunch

A bunch of people get shot at some mall.

This is where we're on last.

Guys, wait a second.

Well, man, when you shoot those prices for Christmas there tomorrow, I mean, I feel like shooting somebody, too.

That's ridiculous.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, that kid probably couldn't find a parking spot or something, you know?

I know Ike Turner died.

Ike Turner died.

That's right.

That's one of the things.

Ike Turner dead.

He had a good interview the other day.

You know, if he would eat fiber regularly, he wouldn't have that constipation.

He would have been in a better mood.

Yeah that's right

Tina won't be scared anymore of Ike

Anyway yeah but that was something

He was on the Stern Show recently and did a very funny interview

He was like hooking up with some really young girl

Or something like that

I don't know if it was recorded or what

But it was an interesting call that Ike Turner did

Where he called the Stern Show

I will kill you

Sleeping with Ike Turner will kill you

Man you know what I just don't feel it tonight guys

And I'm trying

It doesn't feel like Christmas

it's warm out here it's like in the 80s 79 81 82 is the temperature today or something

damn it i'm lucky it's only like 50 here starting snow gonna another breeze in over here yeah well

maybe i'll head down here eventually i'm in florida so i'm always the last ones to get hit

we got numbers coming in from lonesome loser we have the r and r t bar and the funky buddha lounge

all right that's in boca raton florida mouth of the rat florida we have cheap smokes state that

It says M-O.

What's M-O?

Missouri?

No.

What's Mo?

Anybody?

That is Missouri, isn't it?

Yeah.

Missouri.

Yeah.

Mo-Homo.

I mean, it's Missouri.

Mo-Homo.

Mo.

Well, maybe we'll call Chief Smokes.

Let's call Chief Smokes.

All right?

I'm excited about that.

We'll see how that goes.

It's not time.

Get him.

Shut up, man.

First prank call of the night.

Just a moment, ladies.

You're bearing with us on this special matter.

Make a reservation.

Each of us.

One didn't work.

Let's try the other number.

Just a moment, folks.

Folks, here we go again.

Those cheap smokes, Regina, can I help you?

Hey, hey, how you doing?

Old machine on books, right?

What's your cheapest, uh, mental?

Cheyenne.

You guys, what, that's like the, uh, if you can look.

You know how it's supposed to have that stamp on the bottom?

On the bottom?

Yeah, it's got a stamp on it.

Scratch the stamps off the bottom of the cigarettes.

You know why?

Because they're, it's exempt when you do that.

Still sell the cigarettes.

Keep the tax.

So, you know why I do that?

Who is this?

You know why I do that?

Who is this?

I'm gonna get to know why I do this.

Because I'm the second.

It's your choice, I guess.

Do you know what the second amendment is?

Dare hang up the phone on me.

What is this?

If you dare hang up the phone on me, I will rain down a tear.

Then no one will want to enter in because of all the publicity you're going to get.

What is this?

I have no idea who you are.

Mix some oil with some tobacco.

You know what I got?

What did you get?

Answer.

Guess who I'm not going to answer.

What is this?

Mix tobacco.

Actually, I'm on the phone because I have no idea who you are.

Don't you dare hang up the phone.

The city is going to be so bad that you're going to close this.

I'm not too ignorant, but I am hanging up on you, and I think you've had one too many to drink or one too many to smoke.

How ignorant are you?

How ignorant do you mean? I'm not ignorant.

How do you not know who Little John is?

I don't know who Ralph Little John is.

I'm an important man from New York City.

Sorry, I...

How much I made on my taxes last year?

I don't care how much you made on your taxes last year. What are you doing calling the store? What do you need?

I had a tax return of $299 last year.

Okay, what do you need?

Why did you call the store?

I'm an important.

Okay, then what do you need and why did you call the store?

I want to make a cure for cancer and if tobacco said it, you're somewhere else.

I set all my clocks ahead five minutes because I'm ahead.

I'm treating you with ignorance.

I don't even know who you are.

Why did you take so long to say something on the phone?

I thought you hung up.

Because I was sitting there listening to what you were saying.

Well, you were supposed to make an answer like uh-huh or yes.

Well, I'm sorry, but I don't know who you are.

How much are your spaces?

My what?

Your spaces.

Spaces for what?

you know your spaces where you park it you charge for spaces for spaces yes i'm parking yes no i

don't i just work here i'm not like the boss or nothing well can you ring up in the cash register

one space no you can't ring up a red or parking space on the register but i know the upc code i

have no idea who you are so i'm hanging up on you sorry i like to get what the hell i don't know

what the hell i'm doing was that funny at all let's take the couple of chuckles from there

Good, good for the chuckle.

Space is that old gag.

Yeah, the spacey things always get some fucking spaces.

Zola thought it was funny.

I don't know who that was, but I'm hanging up right now.

I'm taking on Daddy.

Saigon said it was so retarded it was funny.

Saigon, very good.

You know what?

Saigon gets a gold star.

His first gold star in the history of the franchise.

Congratulations, Saigon.

He's got a good point.

That was the point.

I just wanted it to sound so retarded it was funny, man.

You're always ahead of me.

I think Saigon sets his clock ten minutes ahead of everybody.

i only do five saigon he's 50 above the uh you know above the ball excuse me we've got tiny's

diner coming up next in the mouth tiny's diner if you want to call in the toll-free line is now

open milkman what is that toll-free line again now please go ahead yes now over eight seven eight

eight five zero eight eight eight seven eight eight five zero a niner yes call in on our dime

and welcome back sweet kisses sweet kisses you little heartbreaker little love taker

we got a number we got a number here coming in on the mouth line this is uh through our

client on the main page madhouse live.com we got a number for a john rice john rice he has a band

called tonic try to act like a record producer or something he's very tall just graduated college

at Oakland University, Oaktown.

Jonathan, what is going on?

I just got back from going out to eat and stuff.

Special for yourself? Any ice cream tonight?

Some Walker's Nerds candy.

Four-star demon energy drink.

Watch the sugar intake, all right?

So, man, how's the week been?

The bus driving, everything's good, of course, I'm sure.

I was on a bus today, man.

Oh, you were?

Yes, I was on a bus.

Boom.

Yeah, my bus is in the shop right now

Yeah, at Crack in the Radiator, so I'm on an old spare bus right now.

Okay, well, yeah.

Is it getting cold up there, too, where you're at?

No, it's actually nice out here.

It was actually 66 degrees this morning.

Wow, I would take 66.

That's good.

That's a good temperature, man.

So, you've been up, too.

You know, I had finals, and I had my last final on Monday, and I did good.

I got B's, B's this semester, B's, B's, B's.

I'm busy with work.

I've got an interview tomorrow, and I've just been generally tired

and trying to catch up on a lot of rest that I missed in the last two weeks.

So, yeah, man, right now I drank a lot of alcohol before I came home tonight.

You know, I hung out with some friends, and I'm kind of like on fumes right now.

I don't know how I'm still functioning.

I'm trying to do, you know, prank calls and stuff,

and I think I'm doing okay for the situation, as it were,

but probably not too much longer to show.

You know, we did a short show last week, and there's going to be a short one this week.

I feel bad, but I've got to be honest when I say I can't do it.

And do these things for you all, not for me, okay?

I saw old Cheese Boy today.

How's he doing, man?

I talked to him once, you know, online.

He seemed okay, and he changed his number on it.

He won't answer the phone anymore.

What the hell?

He has the same number.

He's been going through a lot of stress because they just lost one of their bus drivers.

She died on Thanksgiving holidays, lying in the hospital.

Thanksgiving, that's horrible.

Her poor family.

Mr. Solomon.

No stress.

What can you do, right?

It's almost the holidays.

we'll get some days off

we'll be okay

we'll have our eggnog

we'll have our Christmas presents

we'll have all that stuff

you know what I mean

that's true

alright Jonathan

now's your time

to all my friends and listeners

I hope you have a wonderful weekend

Merry Christmas

Jonathan

take care Jonathan

Lost Boys

what is it

Lost Boys dot what

Lost Boys dot Bravehost

Lost Boys dot Bravehost dot com

alright Jonathan

take care of yourself

alright

that was Jonathan everybody

put your hands together

for Jonathan

alright

Jonathan

Well, we was on a bus go round and round.

Yes, they do.

Okay, we're calling John Rice.

He's in the band called Tonic, and he graduated from Oakland University.

One moment, everybody, for the next verse.

Ken and Tonic.

How about Sochi and Piz?

Whatever you say, buddy.

Hang on.

Rice, how you doing, sir?

Nice to meet you.

Jack Valente here.

Virgin, how you doing, sir?

Sorry, I didn't catch that.

Jack Valente.

How are you, sir?

I got some...

Look, we got a circulation here, some band named Tonic.

Like, the guy gave me your name as a contact number to contact.

What's going on, man?

I thought you were a, uh...

You thought I was a jerk.

I know.

I cast a number, you know.

I'm like, you're trying to sell me something at fucking 11 o'clock at night.

Yeah, well, the thing didn't work.

Anyway, so I'm calling from...

I'm calling from the casting director on behalf of CBS Networks.

I'm sure you know about this director.

We've got a reality show coming out.

We want you guys to come try it out.

You want me to come try it out for a reality show?

Absolutely, jackass.

I would like you to come try it out for a reality show.

You're going to play your fucking guitar and be great.

How about that?

You don't really sound that appealing to me.

I'm not going to lie.

I don't like the fucking way you're talking to me.

How about that?

It's a what?

Why do you stutter so much?

What?

Do you want to continue this conversation, or are you done?

Well, you see, you started, you came off all across all wrong.

You got me upset, and I'm on guard, all right?

Man, I apologize.

Well, I've been hung up on three times in a row.

My fault.

I think it might be, you know, like, the call comes through on a restricted number,

so that already sends off a red flag.

You know what I mean?

You don't go down to where you work and jump up and down on the bed, okay?

So stop telling me what the problems are with my job are.

Why you got hung up on two times in a row.

I have no idea either.

I've had enough of you people, to be honest with you.

If you're sick, I've had enough of it, all right?

Forget it.

I even brought it up.

Forget it, okay?

You know why?

Your attitude, kid.

Why?

Your attitude.

You're not going to make it anywhere in this business.

I'm going to make sure you don't get anywhere.

All the doors are closed from now on.

Tell me something.

This group named Tonic.

Tell me one song that I've heard.

I don't have the names of the songs.

songs i have the name of the band if i had the name of the song would have been like i heard this

x i had this song it was great i didn't say the songs i heard about the band you know we're just

looking for warm bodies we're looking for the people we're going to get eliminated in the first

in the first three rounds that's all we're looking for right now if you're good if you think you have

what it is maybe we would have let you go further but you know you ruined that you fucked it up

but the other thing is you might as well just give up the instruments you might as well just

put them down put down your guitar your oboe whatever it is that you play because you know

are going to be completely

close to her now on.

Anywhere you go,

anybody who says

to ban Tonic,

they're going to say,

oh, no.

No, thank you.

You're going to go

to some office

and the lady's going to be like,

who is it?

And you're like,

oh, it's John Rice from Tonic.

She's going to close the door

on your face politely.

Politely.

Dude, do you realize

that you've got the wrong guy, man.

I'm not in a band called Tonic.

That's what you said

when you first did.

Now you're lying to me.

You know what?

I'm not.

I swear to God.

You don't know anything about me.

You know what?

I can tell you

I'm not in a band called

I'm

I am banning you

John Rice

From the industry

I'm the president

Of the music industry

And forget it

For you

John Rice

From now on

No one with the name

Last name Rice

Is going to get

Anywhere anymore

And you might as well

Just give

You can change your last name

I'm still going to find you

You gotta

You gotta fucking

Get it

I haven't done anything

I draw the line

I'm being rude

Record executives

On the phone

That's where I draw the line

Dude

Record

A record executive

I'm a well-paid one, as a matter of fact.

And I'm supposed to vote, and you're doing...

I've got to tell you, if you're a record executive, that's great.

And if you make records, that's even better.

If you're doing a reality show...

I don't make... I don't care less about the music or the fans.

You're the nicest person in the world.

I wouldn't have any interest in doing a reality show.

The fact is, if you called, and you weren't clear,

couldn't understand what you were saying,

I thought you were trying to solicit...

Yeah, well, look, you're fired, and I need all your music-making material, all your scripts, anything that you have.

I need you to box them up.

I'm going to give you an address here in a little bit for you to send it to.

Oh, man.

I might be on a reality show right now.

Stop.

One thing.

Honestly, don't bother.

Music.

The two things about you, but they only get you so far.

What if I sent you, like, a box?

Mr. Rice, good night.

I have eight dollars.

This show sucks tonight, man.

That's pretty good, man.

I mean, that's the rumor, isn't it?

Yeah.

I'm a second.

Wasn't there a band called Tonic in the 90s?

Yeah, he copies everybody, that guy.

John Rice is a copycat.

So whoever is listening out there who thinks that's his friend, John Rice.

He is already banned.

He's a thief.

He's banned already from Madhouse Radio.

And I'm banning him from Syndicate also, that guy, Tonic guy.

John Tonic is banned.

You're not welcome here.

that band is banned don't come around here nor here no more has been banned who sung that song

don't come around here no more don't come around here no more oh that video was nuts where it was

like alice in wonderland and then the end of the guy tom petty wasn't a tom petty he was dunking

her in the donut he's dunking her in the donut and the big thing of coffee and he ate her i was

wicked man wicked i had nightmares about that video when i was like 10 11 12 13 14 15

yeah tom petty man and the heartbreakers yeah check them out tom petty and the heartbreakers.com

so excited about tonight's show telling you we're going places i think everybody else is

listening tonight see grinch is over there smiling he's got his headset on everything

everything yeah what's up jonathan let's see miss dark jedi i think or is that mr dark jenny hang

on i need glasses that's mrs dark jedi it's good to see you mrs dark jedi zola says the show sounds

much better we hear milkman better yeah you know what we've made a lot of improvements here

and milkman that's a testament to you milkman you know good work with the with the audio man

good work yeah yeah man and it's gonna be many better things to come

I am bisecting my madhouse, man.

We're doing some mad upgrades this year.

Yeah, I'm upgrading.

I'm upgrading to first class, baby.

Here we go.

More prank calls.

That's right.

We're going to call the Coda Rat Hole.

This is in Coleyville, Texas.

Tex-ass.

yeah we're working on that here hang on milkman fist we're bringing that up i forgot to turn the

cam on there we go now it's turned on i did that the whole show last week i forgot to turn it on

All right, ladies, now you can see me.

Woo, woo, woo.

Hooga.

I am 5'3".

Hi.

What are you doing, Scott, man?

I heard KDK passed out on the air again last night.

Huh, Mookman?

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

Wow.

Uh-uh.

He's like, how's this?

No way.

I've got the vapors.

Whoa.

Legend.

He is a legend, dude.

Last night on KDK's Psychobabble, I've got the vapors.

Let's go for it.

That's, yeah, that's what everybody does when they listen to that guy's show.

Whatever.

ever i gotta get drunk and pass out so people talk about me i'm kdk so i entertain people i

get drunk and get verbally abusive pass out and people say wow that guy's you know what who cares

right fuck it that skills man that skills man you've never passed out after you got drunk in

the area yet have you me no no i actually i end up ending the show right before i do that i usually

end up rambling and cursing people out he starts messaging me right he starts messaging me no one

The network continues being the copycat.

I'll message Milkman like,

Milkman, I think I'm going to pass out.

I'm ending the show now.

I'm ending this shit now.

And I'm like, oh, God.

Once it starts there, then I know it's time to go.

Yeah.

Okay, so we're recalling the rat hole.

Hang on.

The network continues being the copycat.

Then it can be.

Oh, jeez, I know, right?

Heaven forbid I actually pass out on the air.

KDK will say I'm stealing his flavor.

I'm an idiot.

That takes skills, man.

That takes years of skills to develop.

Sure does.

It does.

Charges as listed on the back of your card and postcard.

DK invented picking up the phone and prank calling people.

From what I understand, yeah.

He invented it on his computer and talked to it.

How you doing?

Are you guys still seating?

Shut up.

You guys still seating?

That's what I said.

That's what I asked.

What did I ask?

Did I say he's his code of rat hole?

Did I acknowledge you when you said that the first time?

You have $2.97.

Please enter your destination number now.

I'm giving out her number now.

I'm just screwing it up.

You have three hours, 11 minutes, 11 seconds.

Before deduction of a place and charges as listed on the back of your card and postage.

Sorry, I got upset at the store.

That's the office at 5.

Were you a good...

Answering service?

The answering service?

This place has an answering service?

Yes, this is a cell phone company.

I know, and they said that they couldn't pay my salary anymore.

They let me go.

Now I'll listen to have a fancy answering service.

Do you want to leave a message for him tomorrow?

Yeah, you ready to write it down?

His name is Val.

A-L.

Cell phones?

You're supposed to have cell phones out on the floor.

Just go answer the cell phone since you're so professional.

What is the message you'd like to send?

Okay, jerks, let me go because you couldn't afford my salary

and you're paying for this woman to answer the phone after hours now.

And she's playing on the phone and hanging up on me.

Because you couldn't afford my salary and she is playing on the phone and hanging up on me.

Well, you hired this woman to answer the phone, but you said you couldn't afford to pay me.

She says it's okay to answer her cell phone.

Just take the message

Just take the message please

Do your job

$2.65

I'm happy there

Alright well

That was fun

We got another number here being sent in

On the madhouselive.com website

Thank you

That lady wasn't too happy was she

I was trying to get her in trouble

Rubble. That's wrong.

Alright, the reason I said Val was because his name's shot up here.

We got a guy named Val.

His dad owns a lot of property.

An apartment complex in St. Clair County, Michigan.

Tell him you'll whack his dad now for a share.

Wow, this is crazy.

Oh, this is the same guy online.

Alright, well he's sending in another number now or something.

Alright, we'll try Val.

We'll try Val.

I think he's in the Syndicate Radio website too.

I think he's at SyndicateRadio.tv.

All of you, be sure to check that out.

Any prank calls you guys want to hear?

Any madhouse calls you'd like me to play?

Anything, go back, think back, anytime.

I have it ready.

You guys want to have a...

Do you have the one where you got the orange glow guy

that wanted to beat your ass out in the parking lot?

That's long, man.

How about something short?

Something short, something short, come on.

My all-time favorite has always been

the very first Pasquale call.

Oh, that's like my ultimate favorite call.

Oh, we play that too much.

We play that too much.

How about we call the real Pasquale?

Remember that guy?

The toilet?

Okay, yeah.

He kind of wimped out.

He kind of reminded me of DTT.

You think so?

I don't know.

All right, here's you.

What about the one with the old drunk guy at the bar?

And the kid says, I got a shotgun for you.

Oh, that's, yeah, that prank call I did there before there was even a madhouse.

That's called, that's...

That's ancient, dude, but it hasn't heard air in probably a year or more.

That's Nigga Cab, I think, right?

N-Cab, I think I called it.

What did I call it?

Yeah, that's it, yeah.

Nigga Cab.

Yeah, that's the one.

That's what it was called.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's pretty good.

Hello, this is Allen.

This is my first recorded prank call ever.

This is Allen.

I'm near my home.

Where you at?

I'm over here at the bar.

What?

I'm over here at the bar.

Who the hell is this?

I don't know.

Hello.

Hello? Hello, yeah, is this the taxi service?

Man, who the fuck is this?

Is this the taxi service?

Man, I'm about to fucking fuck whoop somebody's ass. Who the fuck is this?

Is this the taxi service, sir?

You think this shit's funny, huh?

Is this the taxi service?

Yeah, it's the taxi service when I put your head on my motherfucking wall, motherfucker.

Look, sir, I got a man over here. He done diarrhea all over himself. We need to get him out of the bar.

We're here in the barry.

Yeah, I give you fucking man diarrhea or something and you see the fucking brain about sticking your ass. Who the fuck are you?

Let me hear it, sir. Now, I don't understand you. I don't appreciate your violence with me.

Now, I'm the manager here at the bar, and I need to get this man out of here.

He's drunk and he can't drive. Now, are you going to help us out or not?

You jive turkey-ass motherfucker. What are your problems now?

Jive turkey, you bitch.

You didn't hear it, boy. You don't talk to me like that now.

Who are you? You damn racist people over here, random car taxi company.

You going to come pick a man up or not?

You jive turkey motherfucker.

Who are you speaking to, son? What's your name? Let me speak to your manager.

I don't know, but you better talk white in about three seconds or your ass is going to be fucking knowing something about fucking off, buddy.

Now, I need to know if you can come pick up your man or not.

Where the hell are you?

We're over here at Dicky Doo's in Deberry.

Dicky Doo's?

Yeah.

Man, you just show me a place, dude. I'm about to come whoop some motherfucker's ass because I don't even know who the fuck you're talking about.

How much are you going to charge, you guy? Pick somebody up over here at the taxicab.

Man, this ain't no motherfucking taxicab.

I don't come from the pick somebody up on what the goddamn ass I can't grab

some of the bits doing your goddamn mother what I'm mother your mother

motherfucking nigger hey I got you piece I know they're fucking niggas probably

bit you nigger your mother fuck he's probably a man what what what you don't

hold sir well let me speak to Michael Frazier man I'm a motherfucking this

This is a private goddamn phone.

This is a white man that don't want to hear from no goddamn niggas calling me in the fucking middle of the night.

Listen, listen, boy.

Listen, boy.

I'll show you a boy with a 12-gauge shotgun, motherfucker.

Listen, cracker.

Listen to that, three letters.

Listen here, cracker.

You can't hear cracker.

Honky.

I'll show you some fucking three-letter, motherfucker.

I'll see you here.

I'll see you here in your taxi.

I'm going to urinate in your gas tank.

I don't give a shit about gas tank.

I'll show you who the fuck you are.

Who you?

Are you Michael Frazier?

Man, this ain't Michael Frazier, man.

This is a motherfucking white man.

Shut up.

I'm going to have the wrong number then.

Yeah, you got the fucking wrong number.

So fucking don't call this number again.

Listen here.

Hang on.

Listen here.

You tell me where the fuck you are and I'm going to come in and beat you up.

Hello, this is David, the manager here at the bar.

What seems to be a problem?

I don't care what the fuck is a problem, but someone's calling up my goddamn phone.

I ain't a fucking taxi key.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Now listen to me.

I heard I've had you calling my disestablishment plenty of times now, and I'm going to have a trace.

Why are you calling here being violent?

We've had some guy calling here making racist comments before.

Is this him?

He called making racist comments.

I'm calling racist comments now because I want to hear some fucking nigger call me.

Leroy over here is saying you're calling him a nigger and stuff.

I am calling him a nigger because he's calling my goddamn phone.

Why do you have to call people nigger for?

What's your problem?

We're calling the taxi service and trying to get in touch with Mr. Frazier.

Yay.

Look at that.

Classic Carlito call.

That is a miracle there, man.

Yep.

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

Nunu says, play last week's UK calls.

Were those really good?

Fuck.

Were those really good?

That's the one where, yeah, that's the one where the dead called, man.

Yeah, and you got that old lady from Essex pissed off.

Oh, the old lady was like, that old lady was like, don't call me.

I mean, like that, yeah.

You know it.

Yeah, that dumb lady.

Yeah, I don't have those ready.

I'm sorry.

Can't do it.

Too bad.

Next week.

I'll have to get those edited, my friend.

I'll have them by the weekend.

I promise, I promise.

Oh, that's the song we're going to break.

We're not playing that yet.

We're not going to break yet.

Anyway.

The break of one nine.

Here's a bit.

Okay, so yeah, we're talking about calling this Val guy,

whose dad owns a lot of property in Michigan.

Just a moment for the next prank call of the night, everybody.

Do-do-do.

Oh, fuck.

That didn't work.

Cell phone's either turned off or something of that nature,

so we move on.

We move on.

We have an international number being submitted here by someone in Ireland.

This one here is a hotel in Turin.

This is in Italy, as a matter of fact.

But I don't know the country code for Italy.

What's our rate like to Italy, Milkman?

Any idea?

I think it's going to be comparable to the UK.

Okay.

So we might be able to do Italy?

I don't know the...

Yeah, I think we should be okay.

Okay.

Well, I need a country code.

Just listen to the minutes going in, and then you'll have an idea.

Yeah, I need a country code for Turin, Italy.

It's the La Petite Hotel.

Yeah, sure, we'll do it.

But like I said, I need a country code.

So work on that, kid, and we'll see about that.

Please, please.

Notepad, you're asking if the dead call has been isolated.

No, no, we answered that.

No, not yet, not yet.

Anything that was non-international from last week is edited.

Weren't there some funny calls?

I haven't even listened to them since.

So I have no idea if there were any good calls at all last week or not.

I don't remember.

What was your...

Oh, yeah.

Were there any of those?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, there was plenty, man.

It wasn't that long, but every one of them was all pretty in the groove, man.

So we pretty had a hot, tight show.

It was a little short, but all of them were hitting.

Well, let's work on some more prank calls now, then, right?

Instead of just dolly-gagging around here.

We've got Tiny's Diner.

Tiny's Diner is located in the state of Washington.

Just a moment.

Next prank call of the night.

yadda yadda yadda

the Italy country code is 39

you took

remember

I didn't say like

you say okay

I was

that's like maybe like

a yes or no answer

did you just turn it down

or did you step outside

I turned it down

okay

is there anybody

to

ask the guy if he's gonna complain

cause I asked him nicely

to turn it down

he said no

he said

you know

I asked him a question

I said hey

who is this

my name is Ralph Littlejohn

I was just in there

and I asked that guy

who picked this song

I asked him

hey man

does this jukebox

take quarters or tokens he said i don't know faggot i'm like i don't i don't know faggot

i just asked him you know if the jukebox took quarters or token okay so you know ask him if

he's got a damn problem i don't think i'm gonna go there with that sorry we'll just ask if anybody

has a problem so i know you'll know who it is okay and then i want why are you still here or

no i had to leave because i was embarrassed because everyone kind of had a laugh at me

But I want to sue the guy because I'm an attorney.

So I want you to ask whoever says, yeah, me,

and I want to talk to him on the phone because I need to get his information.

Oh, please.

You're going to sue somebody because you didn't want to turn the music down?

No, but he called me a faggot.

Okay, and you took that personally?

Well, I kind of did, yeah.

I mean, I left this, didn't I?

Okay, well, I don't think bringing in a third party is a good idea.

If you have a problem, you should probably come talk to him.

Well, it's third party arbitration, and I've subpoenaed you here.

I got the judge already signed off on it.

Do you have a judge signed off because someone called you a faggot?

Well, I sleep with a judge.

Oh.

It's a female judge.

I'm not a faggot.

Do you sleep with Sam?

I sleep with Pam.

I'm so funny.

All right.

Well, either way, I mean...

Well, do your job and just ask, you know, I'm a man, and...

Well, if you're a man, then maybe you should act like one and not call me to do your work.

It's about time that you start doing what I say, woman, so go ahead and ask, you know...

Why do I need to start doing what you say?

Are you really going to tell me what to do and be rude like that?

because if you want to sue somebody, I can sue you, right?

I'll pay your taxes.

Pay my taxes?

I sure as hell do.

I pay my own taxes, thank you.

I pay your salary and your taxes.

You don't pay my salary.

Yes, I do.

You do not.

Yes, I do.

Yes.

How do you pay my salary?

I'm Ralph Littlejohn, a.k.a. Tiny.

Are you?

Yes.

I don't think so.

Well, I pay your taxes.

I've been paying you under the table for a while.

No, you haven't.

Well, you're not having as many taxes taken out of your paycheck as you would.

As you would.

You would have a lot more taken out if it wasn't for me.

So anybody who dares put a hand on my jukebox or say that I can't turn it up like I want, I'm going to sue them.

You wanted it turned up?

You told me to turn it down.

I said whoever says that I can't turn it down.

You said anybody who can't let me turn it up.

I said turn it down.

All right.

No, it's not funny because that's not what I said.

That's not what I fucking said.

All right?

Okay.

You know, if you were a real lawyer, you would have a little more professionalism about yourself.

No, because I'm tired of having the door closed in my face.

He's the third person this month who's called me the F word.

I don't need that shit, all right?

Okay.

I'm going to sue everybody who tries to cross me, anybody who disrespects me.

You know why?

Because it's illegal to put your hand on someone.

They didn't put their hand on you.

But it sure as hell isn't illegal.

Do you know Martin Luther King died so people like me could sue pieces of trash like you?

You're telling me I'm a piece of trash right now?

You know what?

Because someone called you a fag in this bar and I'm not willing to turn the music down for you?

No, because you said I have...

And you're just here and telling me I'm a piece of trash?

You said I have a problem.

I don't have a problem, lady.

I'm... I...

Well, come back in here and call me a piece of trash and see what happens, all right?

I'm Ralph Littlejohn.

You do that.

Come right fucking back in here and come right out of my face and call me a piece of trash and see what happens.

I'm going to be the guy with the Oakley sunglasses.

Okay, you come in with some Oakley sunglasses and call me a piece of trash.

I wear my sunglasses at night.

You know why?

Why? Because I'm Ralph...

Because it's rude.

I'm Ralph fucking Little John. That's why.

Okay.

I got a tattoo.

Okay.

Of Oakley sunglasses on it.

Okay. I'm happy for you, but you shouldn't call and call people pieces of trash.

Well, I'm suing you for being a piece of trash.

You're suing me for being a piece of trash?

That's right.

How much have you had to drink?

Not that much.

Mormon.

What Mike Huckabee said.

This guy's cracking me up.

Let me talk to...

I can't tell you what to do.

She can't tell you what to do.

You're going to take that from her?

Stand up for yourself.

Who is that?

I command you to tell her.

I'm not commanding anybody to do anything.

You definitely can't command me to do anything.

Sorry.

What did I tell you about the whole taxes and everything?

I don't care about taxes.

Pay all the taxes you want.

You ain't going to tell me what to do.

Honey, either you do what I say or I'm going to sue you for being a horse's ass.

All right.

For that.

You horse's ass.

Okay.

You know what else?

What?

I'm going to put the judge in line right now to rule on it.

Okay, you do that.

Okay, you ready?

That, you're guilty.

So guilty.

You're guilty.

Give me your social security number

That I'm gonna put right now

Listen in the jukeboxes loud, huh?

Piece of trash woman

Alright

I command you to hang up the phone

Okay, goodbye

Only she does something I say

Nice

You gotta know how to handle them

Those ladies

Yeah

That was a good one

She was a brave one

I don't know

I'm in a weird fucking mood tonight, dude

I'm usually not like this

She was a brave one

Yeah

That was fun

You got mad

So we have a prank call request here

From

This one is from

From, we're taking requests here tonight.

Madhouse Pranks, if you want us to play them, we'll play them.

This one is going out to the Grinch.

This is Pete.

Cheese Boy.

Hey.

Hey, I need to speak to my, someone told me to give a call here for some guy named Cheese Boy.

Cheese Boy?

Yeah, someone said to call Cheese Boy over here about the bus.

I don't know nothing about that.

Do you know Cheese Boy?

Is he there?

Do you know who that would be?

This is Bay District School Transportation.

Excuse me, what?

This is Bay District School Transportation.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, we're calling about the bus.

and he was told to ask for cheese boy what bus it is bus number 12 no it was

in for maintenance a few months ago and it's completely messed up the filter

wasn't changed on it about half the oil that I was supposed to have in it bus

number 12 yeah we don't have a bus number 12 well they said cheese boy

worked on it do you know anybody you got the wrong I'm sorry you got the wrong

place mr. Smith don't give me the run around and and and be a man for once

saying put Cheese Boy on the line or I'm going to have you reported.

I'm going to tell you what, my friend, I'm sitting to hang up on you

because we don't have a Cheese Boy here, and I am the shot for my bye.

What's that about, anyway?

I am the shot for my bye.

I'm going to call him on the other line.

Okay, yeah.

Carlita's going to call him in.

So, anyway.

What was it about?

At the end, he gives out his title.

I am the shot for my bye.

Okay, good for you, buddy.

Whatever.

Wow.

I'm Ralph Liljohn.

Big deal.

That means I'm a big shot around here.

I'm the HNIC here.

So that one's for the Grinch.

Yeah, and we have another request here also coming in.

This one is from GodoIsGod35.

AOL, it's a messenger where you can message me if you message Madhouse Radio.

And keep in mind, the toll-free line is open.

The line is 1-888-278-8509.

We have a lot of numbers here if you want to do a prank call.

You're more than welcome to join in and take a stab at it.

Anybody who's listening right now, any of the old guys, the old crew, Zolar, Lego,

any of you who want to call in, go ahead, man.

It would be good to talk to you guys.

We talked to Zola earlier tonight.

Nice talking to him.

We have Woody's Barbecue, the Wild Card Saloon.

We have Dillinger's, which is a billiards and nightclub.

And we also have James Lionel Hicks in Belfast, Ireland.

And we also have the hotel in Turin, Italy.

And we have something else here.

We got a request here also from the Madhouse website.

You can call in here tonight.

I'm loading that up right now.

I'll let you guys know what that is.

I believe this is one of the, I think this is Lego here.

Let's find out.

Yeah, the piece of trash thing, I really threw her for a look.

She was like, why you call me son of a...

That was great.

That was so funny.

Yeah, she didn't dig that.

I went to Oakleaf.

Good night.

That was good, man.

That was...

We got a bunch of numbers here, man.

We got a guy in Ireland named James Lionel Hicks.

What else do we have?

Yeah, what's his deal?

James Lionel Hicks?

Let's see what...

Hang on, let's see here.

We got a young guy.

Here's the thing.

We have a leak from one of the...

Let's just say he's one of the major cell phone companies, okay?

Okay, this guy works at their, he's a repairman for their phones that get turned back in on insurance, you know what I mean?

Right.

So he goes to the phones, and when he sees a good lead on a cell phone, he gives it to us.

And it's, let's see, we've got a guy who sends pics to, he gives the email address to, he sends pics of himself with gold teeth.

And he's got the email address that he sends it to, apparently.

He wears an A-Town hat looking thugged out.

You can clearly see the suburbs in the background.

background, he's got a friend named Holsa and Solja, and he recommends that we call

and say that he's being locked down or something, you know, you understand, you follow me, you

follow me, I don't know if you follow me here, maybe that's not a good idea, I don't know,

let me look.

Hey, I understand the guy, he gets the hoes, and he sends pictures of his G-Talk, if you're

on Google Talk, I can send it to you in a second, the details, you'll see what I'm talking

about.

I'll get on Google Talk, hold on.

Get on the Google Talk, figure it out.

Yo, we got, you know,

How's an hour?

She have her seatbelt on?

Nice, but does she have her seatbelt on, Elyse?

I mean, is that what you're talking about?

Man, they got a third truck on board.

Oh, no, I don't know what she...

Oh, look at her back.

Ooh, she's got like a...

Did they put a rod in there or something?

No.

It's almost like snake oil, you know what I mean?

Something about it.

It's like voodoo and shit.

You go in there and they lift your fingerprints off the doorknob.

Milkman, I see you're requesting the Charlie Patton call.

Cool deal.

We'll play that here before the night is through.

All right, I'm on.

There you go.

I just sent you the information right there.

that's that's the skinny on the guy all right good so i'll review that to come right back with

the next prank call dr lego here entertaining us with a prank call just a moment waste of time

okay we're just gonna call ireland then with that yeah yeah woody's barbecue tails in a second you

saw the Saffron Simpson scale, what would you say?

This is Thomas O'Malley country. All right. He's not just Irish. He's actually

Okay

Okay. Thomas O'Malley it is.

O'Malley.

Do you have any Irish in you, Lego?

To us, part of America you're from.

My new city, Missouri.

You're coming to visit us because we've got very elderly people in this house, so we wouldn't be-

I don't understand.

How did you get our telephone number?

I looked-

In the morning here in-

All right, I'm sorry, you know-

You're coming to visit us because we don't know you from Adam and-

Well, I'll-

Did you say a dollar seven?

A dollar seven. Is that what it was? A dollar seven.

Dude, bitch. I mean, I'm hooked. Stay there.

I sent you the number, though. You get her back, man. You tell her good.

Families gotta stick together. We all gotta stick together, family. We're all family.

That's why, you know, I don't know.

And your ass is a buster.

What are you doing?

All right, let's hold on.

Hold on, where's my...

Who's gonna regulate?

Regulators!

Yeah, all right, here's his number.

All right.

All right, here he is.

Oh, I gotta give you the error code, don't I? Hold on, hold on.

Yeah, this guy's funny as hell.

What's his name?

The guy's name is Levy, and I'm the manager of Kick the Midget.

Yeah, just tell him, you know, tell him you heard that, you know, he's got a real...

Jack Valente, how you doing, sir?

Midget's agent, how you doing, my friend?

Call me for a number.

Well, it's not supposed to go out of Mount Campus right now.

They don't let the numbers go out anymore after the incident.

What incident? What the hell are you talking about?

The incident at the Masterson Residence, sir.

You know about it. You heard about it, man.

It was just on the other day on the news.

I don't watch the news.

You didn't hear about the Jack Masterson incident?

No.

The Masterson residence, you didn't hear about that?

The compound?

It was disgusting, huh?

It was disgusting.

The blottery and filth.

Yeah, yeah, don't let your number go out anymore, man.

Jack Masterson didn't come over to your house.

I seen you knocking on the door like this.

He looks like that.

Is this a big fat guy?

You didn't hear about the guy?

No.

Oh, it was disgusting what he did to those people, man.

Oh, don't send your number out.

Look, man, I'm kicked him into his agent manager.

I'm here to speak to you about this proposal that we have going on here with the reality shows, sir.

Interested or not?

I mean, I understand you heard about it last night.

Very itchy.

Why are you laughing so much?

Why don't you take me seriously?

Joke.

I'm a joke.

I drive, listen, listen, man.

I drive a Dodge Stratus.

I eat steak.

One day I can drive a Dodge Stratus if I listen to you.

Listen, I drive a Dodge Stratus, number one.

Number two?

Would I be able to drive any type of other Dodge if I listen to you?

Why would you want to?

Because.

I eat, listen, I'm not done yet.

I eat steak more than twice a week.

I'm not your regular once a month steak guy.

I go out to have fine steak meats, at least twice a week.

Your boyfriend takes you?

No, steak, man.

Steak.

You know, you go to a restaurant and you order a steak.

You know what I'm talking about?

That's what men do.

Men have steak.

That's what men eat.

Steak.

You wouldn't know, would you?

Would you leave me?

I wouldn't either.

Your boyfriend takes you out to nice steak dinners.

Men take each other out to nice steak dinners and have some beer.

Don't you smoke?

That's what men do.

Men go out together to steak dinners.

Smoke cigars.

You sound like you smoke cigars.

They really don't.

Jesus Christ.

What would you know, sir?

How would you know, woman?

Much about smoking sausage.

I said cigars.

You know, we men, we go out together.

We rent a movie.

We watch.

What's wrong with watching a movie?

What's so funny about watching a movie?

What?

What is the deal?

Funny.

This is what...

What were you calling about?

Go ahead.

Well, you called me a joke, sir, and I'm explaining to you I drive an expensive car.

My tax return last year was $299, and I have steak multiple times a week with my guy friends.

I watch Snatch Car.

I fixed the porcelain on my toilet the other day.

I'm a man.

with my two hands granted I went to Home Depot asked the guy how to do it first I

still did it follow directions to a tee that's what you need to learn Levy if

you want to make it but you need to learn let's do it all right what sauce

baby chicken with your glove you homo punch in the mouth say something

meaningful come on like you I'd take your eyes out and pour lemon juice in

the sockets that's what a man would do no steak also you know feed you and feed

I'll feed you.

I'll tell you about your dick.

I think I saw that one.

I'll tell you about you.

Levy.

What's everyone's website up?

Lego.com or something like that.

Lego's on Wednesday nights, man.

What the shit, man?

What's next?

I got my homie.

I don't play that shit anymore.

Ted's here.

What's up, Ted?

How you doing, man?

Oh, you guys are on mute.

Fuck.

Whoops.

There you go, Ted.

Ted, what's up, man?

Man.

Oh, hey.

How's it going, Carlito?

Good to see you here, Ted, man.

Tedman is here.

I met my new shrink today.

All right.

Good for shrinks.

I had a new shrink, and I went to one meeting with my shrink two weeks ago,

and then last week I got a call at the last minute that she was in the hospital

and will call me to reschedule.

She never called me back.

I think I scared my shrink.

Isn't that sad?

Dude, she's like hospital-wise.

She's in the psych ward.

I did something to her, man.

I fucked her up.

She doesn't want to reschedule with me at all.

It sucks, man.

I'll find another shrink.

This new dude's kind of interesting.

Yeah?

Prescribing any meds?

I saw his office for the first time today.

Well, I'm on the same ones I've been on for a long time.

But anyways, this new guy's office, he's got like four computers in his office with a 42-inch plasma.

I have no idea why he has so many computers in his office.

Does he have a need for so many computers?

What a kook, that guy.

I don't know, man.

He's got a bat cave down there.

I think he's got like a cot and a pillow, and he's got like four computers up in there.

He's like a Scientologist or something, man.

He knows he's going to brainwash you into joining Scientology.

We, uh, we, yeah.

I know.

If he hooks up any probes to me next time, I'll know.

I know.

Or if you wake up and your pants unbuttoned.

I wake up, my pants unbuttoned.

And I'm bleeding.

Oh, it is horrible.

Oh, God.

Who goes to the dentist and doesn't he say that the guy tells him sit down and punches in the mouth?

Who goes to the dentist with a bad tooth and the dentist says, yeah, sit down.

And he just punches you in the mouth and then knocks you out.

And you wake up and your pants are unbuttoned.

He punched me while I'm sleeping.

Yeah, and the lady's all like, shut up.

All right, stop yelling at me.

Why you cursed me?

What the hell is that called?

Damn it.

Is that the dentist?

Why you cursed me?

What is that called, man?

I got to look into that.

And I want to hear that.

You know damn good.

You're damn right.

Damn right.

You know damn right.

That's something else.

You know damn right.

Why are you calling again and again?

Oh, man.

Jim Stewart's got to come back, man.

We've got to work on that.

He made an appearance here a few weeks ago.

A few days ago, actually.

It wasn't on the show, but I'm saying he was around.

He said he would come back.

He said he would come back on any of our shows as long as it was at a UK-friendly time.

Okay.

Wow.

We'll have to look into that.

Because that would mean...

Well, I guess Tuck could do it.

Tuck would be the only one.

The only one that I could think of.

Does Tuck do live pranks on a show on Sunday nights?

He doesn't have the ability to.

Oh, yeah, because he's on the phone line.

But he doesn't have any options for Internet.

He has nothing at all.

That's a problem.

That'll do it.

I don't know.

HughesNet.

Yeah, and Milkman, what is HughesNet?

I heard you mention that to me the other day.

What is HughesNet exactly?

Is that a satellite service?

Satellite Internet broadband?

Yeah, it's a satellite service that covers the footprint of North America.

And people in rural areas or outlying areas where DSL don't reach can use it.

I've got several friends that use it.

Yeah, cool.

There's another one, too.

It's called Something Star or Star Something.

I don't know what it is exactly.

DirectWay has one.

DirectTV has a service they're offering, too.

It's a competitive service to that.

That's another way you can get on.

I know Sprint used to do satellite back in the day, satellite internet,

but I think they're just doing DSL now.

I don't know.

Here's that Jerky Boys prank call.

Please entertain us while we play something that's old,

but I don't know.

I thought it was funny.

I don't know how we got the subject, but here it is.

Hello, may I help you?

Yes.

Hello?

Are you dentist, dental malpractice?

Um, yes.

So, where did you get our number?

I went to dentist.

I, I went for two decay.

They did awful thing.

He ripped my teeth out my gum.

I cannot talk.

I cannot eat.

He curse me and hit me while I'm sleeping.

While I'm sleeping?

Then he put me under a sedation, I wake up, my pants unbuttoned, my teeth gum is dripping blood, I cannot even blow bubbles when I chew gum, when I drive cab.

Wait, I don't believe.

I went there, I passed me, threw me out, I'm asking this man named Mr. Rocco on Bronx, Mr. Rocco, Louie Rocco.

Mr. Rocko, do we rocko?

Easy, yes, I go there for a cab, I stop cab, my tooth hurting, I go in, he say sit down, then he punch my teeth, I'm bleeding, and then they, my pants unbuttoned, and then they curse me.

Okay, um, number?

Yes, 5553591, yes, it's OK. Then I wake up, my pants unbuttoned.

Okay, um.

Why they do this thing?

They don't, what, why?

I'm new in this country, and this is the treatment by people.

Okay, what is your name?

My name is Ali Kamal.

I can't make even a chewed popcorn, nothing.

You got to help me, Allah.

I pray to Allah that somebody help me.

Please help me.

This man must be stopped.

This isn't the funny, you know, what's, there's one with Kamal, or whatever.

There's one with this dude, Tarbash, where he's crying.

Or something about a taxi that he crashed.

A taxi or something.

I don't know.

That's the funny one.

I'm trying to think.

Where he invites her to see The Lion King at the end of it or something like that.

I don't know.

Tuck.

I'm looking on here, Tuck.

And I see HughesNet offers broadband internet on satellite starting at $59.99 a month.

And that's comparable.

That's what I pay now for my internet.

So you should look into that, Tuck.

Just an option.

You know, if you cancel your...

Yeah, okay, I'll definitely look into it, yeah.

Cancel your broadband right there,

and it's only going to cost you maybe an extra, I don't know, 30 bucks.

I don't know how much you pay for broadband.

It's none of my business.

It's just a suggestion.

So look into HughesNet.

I don't have broadband.

It's silent.

I don't even have broadband.

Yeah, well, okay, the equipment and installation

is going to cost you $400 up front,

and after that you pay your monthly.

so you got that's that's something right yeah yeah but still man for for getting away from uh

you know getting away from dial-up save up your money there you go good idea usenet.com everybody

we already have that for the tv we're having satellite okay because if you didn't you couldn't

watch anything no cable tucks in the sticks if you don't understand tucks tuck lives also the

direct satellite direct tv will do it as well yeah direct tv does have internet service with direct

TV. Yeah. Just say, yeah.

Just add an extra thing on your account.

You're good to go. I know people have, like, two

satellites. They have one that points to the Mexican

satellites for Spanish TV

or... I know this Egyptian

guy. I'm thinking of the Egyptian guy.

But he's got a satellite

pointed to, like, a Middle Eastern

satellite, and he gets all, like, these

Middle Eastern shows and movies and stuff.

He gets Al Jazeera, you know, stuff like that.

Looks like Reclude's calling in.

Let's talk to Reclude. Reclude, Reclude,

Reclude, what's going on, man? Hey, what's up, man?

Hey, not much, man.

You listening to the show, are you?

No, I just had some broad just left.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Let's see if you guys are on the air.

Yeah, we're on the air for a little longer, man.

Good thing you called in.

What's going on, bro?

Fucking hot as broad air just now.

Broad action, huh?

Fucking playing her some songs I did, and that broad was all fucking up on it.

Really?

They're into that, huh?

They're into the music.

Like, there's some women that, like, if you show you do something with music, they're all over it, man.

Oh, Jesus Christ, yeah.

Yeah, she looked at me a different way at first.

Really?

She gave you, like, a different eye?

Yeah, well, I'd known her before.

She was all up on it.

But she was acting, you know, regular.

And then I started playing that shit.

And she's like, oh.

Yeah, fucking giving her massages and shit.

Yeah, there you go.

Man, massages.

That's good.

Good times.

Good shit, dude.

So you're good, man?

Everything's straight?

Oh, yeah, dude.

I'm fucking, fucking blasted.

Oh, Reckless, you crack me up.

You sound like you're doing good, man.

Fuck yeah, I'm trying, man.

Yeah, all right.

Nobody's stopping me.

I hear you, man.

man. You want to call a dude in Ireland? Oh, dude, yeah. I'm actually Irish. Oh, you are?

Well, hell, good. You got the upper hand in this one. Yeah, fucking. I'm actually. That

always happens to me, lucky charm. Irish bishops or some shit. Yeah, well, all right. Ireland.

We're going to call James Lionel Hicks, all right, man? Geez, well, all right, what are

we going to say? Let's think of something here real quick. I don't know. Let's say fucking,

I don't want to be a dumbass. Like, I don't want to go on there and be like, I hear this

Just your lucky charms.

That's exactly right.

Yeah, let's do that, Bucky.

It's stupid.

Let's just do it.

All right, man.

Hang on, dude.

We'll be right back with that.

Hang on, everybody.

Reckless is coming at you.

Reckless, you sound like you're really toasted, man.

I'm fucking high as fuck, dude.

I just smoked like 10 bongs, like right in a row with his broads.

Wow.

I'm fucking sitting there.

I got a new bong.

Awesome.

Awesome, man.

Hang on.

Let's do that.

Ted,

Ted, I'll talk about

Yeah, you went off on him that one night.

We never talked about that.

People, that shit was funny, dude.

Yeah?

It was fucking classic.

A lot of people got to me.

I'm a raccoon.

I'm shocked.

People were like, oh, did you hear Rick dude called KDK?

I was like, yeah.

Yeah, it's fucking funny.

Who cares?

How hard is it?

Like, how the fuck hard is that?

Anybody can tell.

I mean, it's scientific, but it works.

All right, man.

I got a billiard, I guess, fucking nightclub.

That means it's probably going to be loud.

Where at?

It's in San Marcos, Texas.

Oh.

Yeah, listen, we can't use those.

His KDK voices are banned.

He's actually suing me.

I got a letter from his lawyer.

Oh, shit.

Or that Kevin guy, whoever the fuck it was.

Chief.

But, yeah, he sent me a letter saying I can't use his characters anymore.

All right, well, he takes that seriously.

What am I going to do?

I'm out of material.

I don't know.

What are you going to do now?

Yeah, I guess.

Another guy.

There you go.

There's a man.

The Wild Card Saloon in Colorado also here.

Just came in.

You know.

He's cross-eyed, too, himself.

I think he's cross-eyed, too.

Dude, I think he said that before.

Fucking cross-eyed, too?

Jesus Christ.

What else?

I think he said that.

He said that himself once.

Maybe he was just embellishing.

I don't know, that guy.

Ah, fuck.

I'm too high to give a shit about that dummy.

Yeah, let's stop.

Who cares?

Sorry, we're going to quit.

Nah, it's funny, but yeah, we can't be talking shit, but every time you tell me about it,

I'm going to talk shit.

Ah, maybe we'll make up one day.

Fucking true.

Yeah, there we go.

Maybe he'll show up to my wedding.

We'll see.

All right, we're doing the wild cards.

No, the pool hall.

The pool, I'm sorry.

All right, Dillinger's Pool Hall in Texas.

Hang on, dude.

All right.

All right, here we go.

What's up, man?

Listen, I heard you were profiling down there.

You know what I'm saying?

I heard y'all were profiling down there.

Yeah, you ain't letting people in with, like, pull up and shit.

Okay, well, why not?

What am I not allowed to wear?

Well, shit, that's my whole outfit.

Well, what's up, man?

Can I pay you something?

Let me in.

Some dude in there is pissing me off.

I'm saying just let me in.

I'll pay you.

Just look there.

You good.

You know what I'm saying?

and I got you like that.

I was about to say

something funny,

you suckers.

Who jerks is over her?

How did I call her?

Right, her.

Exactly why they do that.

That's how they keep them out.

They say,

oh, well, we can't.

Exactly.

They say,

okay, what do they wear?

Let's put it on the

do not wear list.

Jerseys, cocoa butter.

Fubu.

We got a no cocoa butter.

Address policy here, man.

Sorry.

No cocoa butter.

Sorry, Mr. African American.

You're going to have to leave.

They did it to a club

around here, dude.

They got put in the...

I respect it.

they just don't want

they don't want fucking

gangs in there and shit

I mean

I understand that

but I mean

it's also a style of dress

that's true

that is that

yeah exactly

I mean

a lot of white people

I mean you know what I'm saying

they don't like it

they can go fuck a tranny

here here

alright cool

we're gonna

we're gonna call

ooh we got

Stella Mary Birch

in Ireland

just came in

and uh

alright let's talk

fucking Irish

juices

we're gonna win her over

this is Will Molina

Willow

Willow Mina

that's a really

fucked up name

Those motherfuckers are fucking motherfuckers

Potato

Lousy mix

Whiskey

That's why I wouldn't be calling you at any other time

I was like, oh, cheerio

Fucking said that

He said that, I thought that was just a mega

That's funny

That wasn't like Mary Poppins

That was funny

Let's assault somebody

Let's do that, I think I'm out of numbers though, let me look

Did we do the wild card? Yeah, we did, right?

I'm fucking pulling up right now, god damn

Shit, I'm starting to get like celebrity numbers

Shit, I can't fuck with them yet

Pretty soon, dude

Dude, I'm about to give you some good numbers.

All right, good.

Get some records.

Let's call, let's see, it's 1239.

Let's call, uh, are they open?

Yeah.

Let's call Hooters.

Numbers, whenever you're at, oh, I can't keep up.

I don't see you online at all, man.

I'm on fucking Yahoo.

I don't know.

I think so.

I'm not.

Fucking broad as my password, I think, to Yahoo, dude.

She keeps on, like, adding and fucking deleting people.

Oh, here's one we got.

Nunu sent this in.

This is a Catholic school principal who, uh, got caught working as a prostitute and lost

his job.

Was it, like, a male or a female?

Nunu sent the number.

Nunu sent the number here.

Let me find out about this shit.

That guy's a fucking genius.

I don't know.

He claims to be...

That motherfucker goes hunting.

I don't know.

Those motherfuckers are vicious.

I'll tell you what.

In our job...

Priest?

What are you talking about?

No, the fucking guys at...

It's not a priest.

Well, I'll give them a salute.

I'll give them a fucking 21-gun salute.

There you go, man.

To that motherfucker.

Yeah, so let's call this fucking child...

Okay, so he's male...

He was a Catholic principal who got caught as a prostitute.

When they caught him, he said the reason he had fake tits

and was hanging around in a bad part of town

was because it was Halloween.

So he was doing the cross-dressing?

He's a cross-dressing prostitute,

and he's a Catholic school principal.

Wow, that's pretty fucking...

With falsies.

With falsies, yeah.

Yeah, at least he's not...

So what, he's getting together?

He shouldn't be in school, but...

No, he shouldn't be in school, no, but...

He should be in school with that, but yeah, okay,

that sounds like a good call.

Apparently his wife answered the phone here about an hour ago,

and we'll see if she answers again.

Okay, hold on a second.

Let me, give me like five seconds.

Okay.

All right, five, four.

He's counting.

Fuck.

Bruno Vega.

This is dude.

Bruno Vega says he's got a paper.

Bruno Vega.

Oh, Vega.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, I got it.

I got it.

There we go.

Good work, man.

That's why I want him to switch under me now.

Make more money.

It's like, I'm like,

you imagine like.

She needs to know these things, though.

Come on.

It's just that we're all good.

She needs to know that her husband's

going to be a fucking deal.

Hey, divorces are good.

Divorces are good.

that shit though

you're like

your husband's

in the community

and you're all good

and you got

f*****g

whatever

and then

he has kids

kids as it is

I feel like

f*****g

demoralized

the whole ranking thing

you know

everybody needs

that's true

we got the

three foot midget

midget named

Lester here

what does he do

I don't know

his name is Lester

he's a three foot midget

I think that's

that's Beetlejuice's

real name isn't it

Lester I don't know

but

is it

yeah I think so

oh you don't

well let's see if he answers

it's a midget

it's probably gonna

take him a long time

to get to the phone

and shit.

Racist.

I got more numbers.

Prejudiced or whatever.

It's not a race.

Whatever that is,

I don't know.

Dwarf race?

I don't know.

It's not a race.

It's fucking

an asshole, I guess.

Yeah, yeah.

So, oh, here's another.

We got an Indian guy

at some place

called The Hump

in Santa Monica, California.

We just answered here.

The Hump?

The Hump

is the name of the spot.

What the fuck?

Some Indian guy.

That might be fun.

Let's call the Indian dude

first before we do the midget.

Okay, yeah,

The midget's gonna be fun.

All right, we'll do the, uh, let's do the midget then.

Easy target, come on.

Yeah, let's do the midget before it becomes any later.

I think that's a good idea.

All right, hang on, everybody.

Yeah, whatever it is, we can do it.

That's right.

Hello, members.

We just want to know if you want to join up.

We pop guild.

I don't think you're gonna get any drinks.

We're planning to punch bad guys up to.

Guys pass out, drink too much.

We'll laugh a few good times, you know.

I will call you every hour, on the hour.

The woman will come back over.

The guy's, the guy's taking something.

Sodium nitrate.

He said that he's grinding up that he's.

These guys used to grab it.

Now,

instead,

what the hell you were called?

I don't know,

two midgets,

I had a ride zoned out.

Was that the midgets?

Trying to feed the one with Indian,

and I was like,

okay,

you Indian?

No,

no,

the Indian place is the hump,

we didn't call them though.

Oh yeah,

and they were talking,

I was like,

it was so good.

They just kept talking like,

I'm with the cold police.

So horrible,

like so polite even still,

they're like,

alright,

bye.

Yeah,

he talked to you for hours,

you motherfucker.

Goodbye.

I don't know what he's talking about.

No, that's probably what it is.

It's the favorite part of the camel.

A few badges for new people.

They're all trying to be trendy.

They're going to the fucking hump.

Oh, my God.

Let's go to the hump.

It's so great.

Fucking Angelina Jolie is going to be getting anal there in the fucking patio.

Let's call them up.

At the Zolar.

See Zolar is checking out.

Everybody, be sure to listen tomorrow night, 10 p.m. Eastern.

ZolarVision on SyndicateRadio.tv.

They're calling the hump.

I want to talk about tonight.

She really wants to come down there.

How long are you going to be open?

How many seats we got?

Have you guys got a problem?

One floor.

You guys are open?

What's that?

An entourage.

Okay, well, let's keep it open for at least an hour.

Okay, what time do you close again?

Is it possible to move it up to, like, 9.30 or 9.45?

What are you talking about?

Tonight?

We're talking about tonight, pal.

It's already 9.30, though.

Okay, well, we'll be down there in a little bit.

How fast are you going to get people out of it?

How much would it cost to keep that place open?

Manager, please.

Okay, yeah.

Manager?

Wonderful.

How much would it cost to keep that place open two more hours?

Chef said bring her own there.

We're going to keep that place open for whichever money.

It doesn't matter.

Because you can cut in before 10.

Okay, but the problem is, man, do you know who you're dealing with?

This is Madonna's assistant, John Grunman.

We already have a customer.

She doesn't mind?

Here's what I'm saying to you.

We need a place.

We're going to have it as soon as everybody goes.

Go in there.

We're going to, what I'm saying, those people, entourage,

whatever we've got to do, have any, whatever, when it comes to anything, actually.

Yeah, so what can we go with this?

I mean, what, $10,000?

$20,000?

Yeah, but, I mean, we can make it worth your while.

I know we'll get to an amount.

I mean, she really wants this.

Okay, well, that's got to happen.

You know, you've got to say, all you have to do is send somebody over and say, we're closing up.

Like I said, it would be very good for your place.

I mean, you have her going, you're going to have the whole city going down there.

Do you understand?

I mean, it's going to be a really big deal.

I don't know if you understand that.

But, I mean, somebody sees her, the paparazzi are all over there, the event.

You guys are going to get more personal assistance.

So what's going on?

Ask, can you have those people out of there?

Can you get them out of there?

Can you get those guys out of there?

Can you go check with your chef and see how late he can be there?

Go ahead, go ahead.

You stole it all from me.

You stole it all from me, and you're not giving me any credit.

He says Ted's right.

You stole it all from me, and we don't give him credit is what he says.

He started all this.

This is genius.

This is shit.

What madness do you spread here?

Let me clear this line.

We're almost out of phone card minutes, I think.

Can't sit here and hold everybody.

Oh, that sucks.

I've got to get to bed, though.

Hey, dude, I was going to ask you.

Remember we had that discussion about interviews and about resumes and shit

and making up references and stuff like that?

Yes.

All right, I need that done for tomorrow, man.

I've got to have two references, so I've got to get with you.

We've got to figure that out.

You're not going to tag me on the Yahoo, dude, definitely.

I will.

No, I've got two other people lined up, but I'm going to try to put that in practice, like you said.

Just have them, you know, give them a story.

Oh, that's the way it is, dude.

You did a better job, dude.

David Gaffin did it.

Hudson did it.

Really good job.

that's how you do it.

Yeah,

that's how,

and Gavin's the CEO.

There you go.

You know what I mean?

I mean,

you can get,

it doesn't,

thanks for calling in,

man.

We're going to do that.

We're going to do a whole series of calls.

We're going to get like,

like somebody will numbers

and we'll do like this.

Beverly Hills or something,

you know,

where that kind of shit happens sometimes,

maybe.

Yeah,

exactly.

So we'll get,

I mean,

what was it?

Santa Monica?

Yeah,

Santa Monica.

Yeah,

that shit probably,

stuff like that.

Yeah.

So,

all right,

man.

All right,

I just want to apologize to KDK.

I'm sorry for ripping off your material.

Yeah.

You know.

Nah.

I mean, it's just having fun.

Don't be a fucking puss.

We're just having a couple laughs.

That's right.

We're just trying to have fun here.

You know, we'll have a couple beers and jerk each other off.

We'll have a good time.

It'll be like nothing happened.

Jerk and make up.

That's right.

That should be.

All right, bro.

All right, come on.

Peace to all people in Prankland, and thanks for getting us those great numbers.

I'm about to go fucking see if that broad's got home yet.

Talk to you later, man.

See you, Reckloot.

That was Reclute, everybody.

All right, very interesting, very fun, very exciting, Reclute.

Oh, my God, Reclute, man.

Yeah.

Busting my gut.

Yeah, and with that, I need to get out of here because, like I keep saying,

I have an interview tomorrow.

I want to be rested up, and I've got to find my interview clothes

and iron them in the morning.

So there it is.

You're right, Milkman, we're going to play Charlie Patton.

Yes, sir, that's right.

I'm finding that now for after we sign out, and we'll play the Charlie.

That's the prank call of the second season, man.

I don't think we're going to play that on Synecdoche.

Yeah, man.

I think Synecdoche should have a show starting up here in a second.

The name is Charlie Patton Call?

Yeah, yeah, the phone in the tub, man.

That's the one we're going to call that.

We're going to play that here in a moment.

This is the one where you trick that guy to dunk his phone and baptize it in the bathtub?

That's the one, Milkman.

How did you guess that?

Wow, you're so smart.

Oh, man, I love that one.

Can't get one past you, Milkman.

Milkman, take us out of here, bro.

All righty then.

Well, man, I tell you what, I'd like to thank all our friends out there, man.

Mr. Ted there, he gives us this cool answer.

Team Spade, thanks a lot, big brother.

Thanks for all you do.

You're welcome, man.

I'd like to thank our Lonesome Loser, man.

The Mr. Numbers Hitman, the hottest looking man in all prank radio.

Thank God for the Lonesome Loser.

And y'all better salute that man because he helps this thing happen every week.

Thank you, Lonesome Loser.

I'd like to thank all our friends out there in the chat.

Your old friends there coming back.

Man in Vegas, MST3, Clay, Paul, Tuck.

Yes, all our good friends there.

Jilly, I guess that would be Jill Rosenthal, huh?

Yeah.

Sweet Kisses, welcome back.

Yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

About time you got your butt back here.

Corey, he used to join us on the Jim Stewart Show.

Welcome back to Dead.

Yeah, hey, man, fast.

Good to see all you guys, man.

Thanks a lot for joining us.

Yes, thanks to Jonathan.

He gave us a call tonight.

Let us know that he's driving the old bus around town.

You see the wheels around town?

Say hey to Jonathan.

Yeah.

Definitely.

Also, I'd like to thank Mr. Ratcliffe.

Surprise guest appearance tonight.

Woo, Mr. Ratcliffe.

Yeah, I wasn't expecting that.

He's kicking some butt, man.

Taking names and bearing the dead alive.

That's what I'm talking about.

And Lego.

Lego call.

Yes, sir, man.

Dr. Lego, man.

Our longtime old friend, Mr. Lego.

That crazy son of a gun right there, Dr. Motherfucking Lego.

We love you, man.

Excellent stuff, man.

That was a good call.

That guy there was still flipping out, man.

Also, all you guys over there on TalkShoe, Syndicate, hey, thanks a lot for tuning in, man.

We're sure glad to have you along, and we sure hope that you had as many laughs as we did

because this is all about you, our listeners.

We do this every week.

We pay to have this fun.

You can have an interactive, most interactive show

and laugh right along with us for free.

So you keep tuning back in because we've got some great things

coming up here in this season

and also coming next season here next year.

We've got some upgrades coming.

Look for a lot of new stuff.

You never know.

Jim Stewart's going to be popping back in.

So if you miss out, hey, sorry about your luck, man,

because he's a great caller.

and a lot of guests show up in here so you'd be watching around because we gotta have a lot more

fun this year a lot more stuff to come here in 2008 carlita our mano our friend is generalissimo

of the madhouse god bless you because without you we wouldn't have nothing left to do we'd all be

sitting here wondering where hell carlita is at god bless you man thanks a lot for all you do

God bless you, too.

Oh, and you, big man.

Thank you.

Congratulations on those big Bs, too.

Yes, sir.

All right, everybody.

Thank you, Milkman, for that.

Nunu sent in numbers.

I want to thank Nunu.

I want to thank everybody at Syndicate.

I saw DTT hanging around.

Wanted to mention it.

I said, what's up?

See, Sidekick Chuck came in here.

Lord Spoon's out there, too.

Good to see you guys.

Everybody else in the Syndicate room.

Sidekick Chuck is Asian?

No kidding.

That's news to me.

I had no idea.

Anyway, so yeah.

Everybody who listened tonight, it was a great time.

Like I said, we'll play that Charlie's Phone in the Tub prank call here after the outro.

And, Ted, are you doing a show this weekend at all?

Are you doing a show on Saturday or Friday or anything?

Or anything going on?

Any idea?

No news?

I think that I might do one tomorrow night.

Okay.

All right.

And that'll be on prankcall.info, possibly.

So, right?

Best way to hear you?

Prankcall.info?

All right.

So be sure to check that.

And, yeah, I want to mention, thanks to Ted,

Ted, we're going to migrate the stream over to a new server for financial reasons for the time being.

And I haven't been able to implement it yet, but I promise I will.

I know I keep promising, Ted, but I thank you for sticking in.

I'm going to take care of that this weekend.

So everybody who's listening to us now on the normal mouse stream,

if you have this stream bookmarked, I should have mentioned this earlier when we had our peak,

but if you listen to us through a bookmark on your player, on Winamp or whatever it is,

be sure you go to madhouselive.com for next week's show.

and make sure that you update where you're listening to the show at.

It'll all be posted there, so make sure you correct, you update your bookmarks

because if not, you're not going to.

Well, I think actually I'm paid up for another 30 days on that old stream,

the one that we're on right now, so I'll keep it around.

So we'll keep announcing it every week, so we'll do a slow transition here.

This got charged one more time, unfortunately.

I didn't act quick enough, so whatever, my fault.

Anyway, you know what I'm saying.

Thank you, everybody.

I've talked enough.

It's there for you if you need it.

Yeah, we're going to migrate to it.

I have no choice.

I've got to.

But I thank you, Ted, because you're helping keep this station alive, basically.

This whole Madhouse thing, financially, is getting really hard on me right now,

so I'm doing everything I can.

I don't want to ask listeners for money.

I've never done that.

I never will do that, as long as I can.

Until we become huge to the point where our bandwidth costs are insane,

I don't want to ever ask fans to donate or anything,

with the exception if we ever do make that prank call CD soon.

And we'll do that, alright?

So, anyway, regardless, thank you everybody for listening.

We'll be here next week.

Be sure to go to madhouselive.com.

Check out our podcast and all that information there.

And we'll catch you all next week.

Peace out.

And thank you to Tuck Olson for being around.

He did good.

And Brandon Biggis.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you!

Fuck you fucking penis dicks!

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Thank you.

Calls (17, 53 min of 2 h 3 min)

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