2008-01-10 Show

Listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

The motherfucking script.

Mr. Soul.

So what do you say let's all together welcome him to the stand with a great big hand.

We started, we're now.

We are now.

Thank you everybody for tuning in.

Madhouse Radio returning to the air live as always Thursday night.

It is I, Carlito.

The Geronimo.

What's up everybody?

The King of Prank Calls.

The host of Thursday nights.

President of Peace.

The Master of Disguise.

Fattest fingers on the internet here, everybody.

Madhouse Radio, Carlito in the house.

It is now 10.10 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

We're ready to make show.

Prepare to make show with us, everybody here.

Milkman will be here shortly.

He had to run to Best Buy to buy himself a new microphone

because he sat on his own one and he broke it with his big fat ass.

But I do have the Tuck and I have the Brandon Vegas here as well, as always.

What's up, Tuck and Brandon Vegas?

Yes, yes, yes.

Hello.

One love, one love.

Happyness.

Happy.

Happy meet for everybody here tonight

Welcome everybody, as I said, we're going to be doing some stuff here

I don't see any Lonesome Loser, that's not good, that's not a good sign, that's not a good start to the show

No Lonesome Loser means no, not at all, not at all

He'll be here, don't worry guys

He's always here, he always shows up

Anyway

If you want to reach us here tonight

You can

I don't know

Just take it easy

Just relax buddy

We'll figure it out man

Together

There's no panic Tuck

I'm cause sweating

Oh no

Jesus

Tuck's over there pushing one out

Wow

Man oh man

You ever have to take a shit so bad

You just start sweating

You know what I mean

It's so bad

You're turning green

And you got this cold sweat

that is a bad feeling you know when you're in a position where you can't just go take a shit and

when you're running like that oh yeah well whatever it is it's just you know that cold

sweat you get when you had to take a really bad shit scary stuff scary stuff everybody

don't worry well we have the lonesome loser uh we had the lonesome loser atron 2000 here

uh which is a bank of lonesome loser numbers from forever so don't panic there will be pranks to be

made tonight and of course you can send your submissions to us matter of fact i've got a lot

We've got a lot of prank call requests here that have come in in the last five or six days that we can do.

We've got some left over from last week here I have on the sticky notepad thing here.

Oh, there's a bit back up.

Yeah.

And we've got a lot of people listening, so let's just stop complaining like a bunch of girls and start doing the show.

Who are we, KDK?

Jesus.

God.

Maybe you can't see anything yet.

I don't know what's happening.

I'm a little girl.

Yeah.

I'm KDK.

I got the vapors.

I can't do a show tonight.

night i'm drunk i'm gonna pass out jesus god it's like you shouldn't laugh he's your boss you're

doing work for him he'll fire you it's so funny it's so funny i laugh at everybody i laugh at

you i laugh at everybody yeah i'm sure we're all supposed to laugh i'm sure you laugh when katie

k makes up laughing we get sad and it's sad when it's sad it's bad i'm sure you laugh when katie

k makes racist jokes about me because he's a racist you know if you guys didn't know katie

is a racist a racist man the very racist man we've got a lot of numbers dude i got tons of numbers

endless numbers here so there's no reason for us not to have a good time yeah someone is calling

in already without authorization phone lines are not open yet had the phone lines been open i would

have given out i would have given out the toll-free line but guess what i didn't give it out so

whoever you are in the 571 area code you just take it easy i'm fabulous all right so if you want to

to reach me here tonight you can reach me on aol and yahoo instant messenger madhouse radio is the

username on aol and yahoo instant messenger there we go on yahoo instant messenger is madhouse radio

if you're using msn messenger madhouse uh madhouse what is it madhouse live at hotmail.com that's it

i knew it madhouse live at hotmail.com if you're using msn messenger and of course the toll-free

line is not open now don't call it please don't make me log in and have to turn it off man it's

It's just a lot of fucking work, guys.

Just relax.

If you want to reach us here tonight,

Toll Free Line will be open later.

It's in the Syndicate Radio chat room right now.

It's scrolling across the screen.

It's at the website at madhouselive.com.

The Toll Free Line is 1-888-278-8509,

and that will be open later in the show.

Whatever.

Any announcements, Tuck?

I know you have a show yourself that you do.

Anything going on with that?

Would you like to go ahead and drop a plug now

as your time for your first plug?

We're plugging it up.

somewhere around the 5 o'clock

time period of

Sunday afternoon, early evening

ish time.

It would be a good time to turn into Prank Call

Dental Radio, PCI stream

and see if I'm on, playing records

or prank calls or something.

Yeah, Tuck's a friend of ours.

He's been around for a long time with us.

He's helped me and Milkman out with a lot of stuff

with the site, stuff like that

and a lot of audio stuff, so we always

recommend if you're around on a Sunday

Sunday around the afternoon or late evening.

And Tuck always does a show on Sundays, late afternoon or early evening.

You're doing good.

You don't want to see your football game lose no more.

Come on in on PCI.

And the football season's almost over.

If your team didn't make it to the playoffs, has been eliminated, and you're upset,

why not listen to some prank calls on Sunday

and enjoy your slow transition into the lack of football.

It's still cool to watch football.

Cry of all of us.

Yeah, that's right.

I understand, Milkman, we're getting breaking news here, breaking news.

breaking news

Tuck, if you can please stop the music for me real quickly

I'd appreciate it, thank you

alright, thank you Tuck

breaking news here, Milkman is going to be

joining us here in a few minutes, he just got home

and he's currently setting up his connection

with his new microphone, I'm sure he's having a hell of a time

getting it out of the package

so for those Milkman fans

out there, ladies, get ready

he'll be here soon

Zolar, host of Zolar Party

Nation, will be on tomorrow night

10pm Eastern Standard Time

That's 7 p.m. Pacific, exclusively on Syndicate Radio, syndicateradio.tv, where you're listening to us tonight.

What's up, everybody over at Syndicate Radio?

I'm Mike Peoples.

Good to see Earth.

I'll tell you what.

I had a great time tonight watching Earth Dog was in the Syndicate Radio stick cam room.

He was playing, like, old commercials and TV show intros from the 80s and such.

Even some 90s there, but we're just talking some old shows.

It was nice.

It was kind of nostalgic.

i forgot about that show small wonder small wonder was a funny show with that girl who was a robot

i remember that i'm a robot girl yeah i remember there was a bad sitcom yeah there was a there was

a there was a whatchamacallit oh jesus there was uh an episode an episode where the brother

no where the brother the brother told her to forget it and then she wiped out her whole memory

she just stood there like a retard and i said oh yeah don't tell her forget it because she's a

a robot she's stupid so she'll go she'll uh she'll erase her memory it's because i was like

fuck that fucking robot where she used to cry and water just stream out of her eyes like it was a

faucet well you know i didn't know robots could cry robots don't feel emotions anything we learn

from star trek the next generation it's that uh is that robots don't cry unless they get a special

chip excuse me for a moment hey tuck say something entertaining for the next three two minutes please

while I handle a situation with a kid, thank you.

Handle a situation with a quote-unquote kid.

Yes, so like I said,

I'm Luke Tuck with myself,

whatever I feel like playing,

starting around 5 o'clock Eastern in the afternoon

out of Ted Webb, baby.

Matt House.

Tuck, you do a comic book, don't you?

Matt House, of course, every Thursday night.

Tuck, don't you drive?

Is there a comic book?

Yes, yes.

What's it called?

Starla something or something Starla?

Starla Jones?

Starla Jones.

Star Jones.

Starla does.

Yes, just don't throw a dust.

So you're calling her a girl.

Star Jones is a fat girl who got skinny.

Oh, she got mad, but she's like empty.

Like, I don't know.

She's like, I don't know how to explain it.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, she just hangs.

Everything just hangs on her.

Anyway, I was talking about...

Her body matched her head, yes.

Anyway, I was saying, what I was talking about before, five minutes ago, you know, I forgot stuff.

Zolar, Zolar Party Nation, 10 p.m. tomorrow, Eastern Standard Time.

He sent in a number here for...

he sent in a number here for uh look man you okay there buddy uh he sent in uh

uh he sent in uh no ben you're fucking echoing man what is your no ben you're fucking echoing

man what is your that sounds so gay on the radio anyway uh this uh there's a person here selling

all baby stuff all for the price of 350 dollars he's got white sleigh crib with bumpers and a

comforter set i don't know babies need a comforter set why are babies getting comforters what why

why why does a baby know the difference between a comforter and a and a cardboard box on top of

the mattress what's the big fucking deal a peg peg prego venezia stroller a graco graco car seat

graco grs i've seen that brand before gracio see i don't have any kids but i did date a girl who

had a two-year-old so i used to see these brands graco car seat a white graco i see we're gonna

got a call this number it's a 718 area code i'm not sure what that is milkman check yourself you

got um you got a bad echo i think your uh stereo mix is on bro get that fixed milkman we want you

on urgently send me a message once it's crazy and it hurts me yeah good good statement and

we'll from hawaii he's uh zolar is also sending uh there's a guy moving uh he's got fans vacuums

christmas lights umbrella stand boogie boards furniture cleaning supplies dishes bread makers

speakers juicers blow-up mattresses and a pump nothing over 50 bucks or much most much cheaper

than that all right and that's in hawaii that's in maui just below the paluela cannery oh man i

wonder what they can over there i bet you they can some pineapple i go for some pineapple right

now i don't like canned pineapple like fresh pineapple yeah yeah you guys know people who

like to um you know there's people out there who like to put salt on their pineapple you ever seen

a person who does that i think that's a black people thing black people like to put salt in

their pineapple from what i understand think about that tuck there's something to say about that

black people like to add hot sauce to popcorn black you know black people like uh you know i

they like hot sauce on their on their popcorn their taste palettes to come they're all kinds

of strange combinations yeah well i i understood once uh the old job i had they were talking you

know there's a group of african americans they're nice people and they and they agreed that they

They all like to put, they all like, on their vanilla ice cream, they like to put potato chips in it.

I'm like, really?

He's like, yeah, original laced potato chip and vanilla ice cream.

And, like, all the black girls are like, uh-huh, yeah, I like that, too.

And I was like, what?

That must be your fort to them, man.

Whatever it is.

You know, that must, that just be, you know.

Milkman, do you like to put anything in your ice cream that's salty other than peanuts?

I like peanuts on a nice Sunday.

I used to love, I'd go to McDonald's and I'd get a vanilla, you know, sundae.

you know they got them already packaged with the chocolate on top and i get mad if they forget to

give me my peanuts even though they were salty i'd like to put those nuts on on my sundae and eat

it with my plastic spoon salt on an orange says sidekick chuck that's an asian thing those asians

and their salt they like to put orange in everything asians love oranges man they just

they put in everything they put in their rice they put in their beef everything man they put

on their popcorn too yeah okay that was racist that was racist wow man and a racist statement

gold star for tuck wow what is that jeez gold star for tuck man gold star for tuck purple pasta

saying what's up on the madhouse radio website what's up purple pasta how you doing jeepers is

asking for charlie patton adolphus cotton can we try one of these with dr nargus um wow we haven't

talked to adolphus in a while the last we we talked to adolphus himself months ago we tried to call

the wife two weeks ago and she wouldn't let us get by she cock blocked us i'll give it a try if

you want i'm i'm a sucker adolphus cotton and i can't find it maybe i don't have his number on

here man you might be out you might be out of luck here we go adolphus and barbara cotton in

north carolina big black gun guy right the big black gun it wait another gold star wow tug milk

man it's too bad your microphone's broken because tuck's gonna win the night with gold star sucker

you gotta get on it get on it and grind it man grind it all right we'll be right back with the

first prank call of the night i doubt this will work but we're gonna try to call the cotton

residents again doesn't even ring anymore dude that's all f***s man f*** them right up their

asses notice i didn't say black asses because i'm not racist like it's like kdk he's a racist he

hates black people i got him on tape saying he hates black people everybody will be playing

that later tonight audio of kdk saying that he hates black people um it was recorded on a voicemail

he thought he hung up the phone and he made very racist comments he's a very racist person kdk is

i am bisexual i'm fabulous and i call attention to that very racist person kdk is he hates black

people everybody write that down you heard it from me i guarantee it anyway so now what do we do do

Do we have numbers, anybody here?

Yes, Zolar's Numbers.

That's correct.

We've got a Jamaican guy here.

Jamaican wooden three-shelf bookcase for $20.

Interesting.

What else does he got here?

Oak bar, three-foot wood cabinet, two shelves instead of shelves,

and wine liquor butter holes.

$50, that's not bad.

I'd buy a bar.

I could use a bar here in the corner of the studio.

That'd be nice.

We've got a computer desk.

Why are computer desks always so expensive?

that this fucker wants $160 for a computer desk.

He's got a hanging file drawer

and a decibel shale on rollers.

Bullshit, man.

Kitchen chairs, $10 each.

All right.

All right, good, good, good.

Okay, we're going to call a Jamaican who's selling stuff,

and he is in the 340 area.

He could have no freaking idea where that is.

But I want all of you to behave yourselves

and listen to this next prank.

Well, hopefully the first prank call.

Here we go.

We're going to buy some kitchen chairs.

Yeah.

One moment.

He doesn't like everybody,

or he doesn't like us at all anymore so he doesn't like anybody anymore so let's all this is

john i was calling about your kitchen chairs and the computer desk i was interested in possibly

purchasing the majority of your items um i don't want to haggle i don't want to stress you out

i don't mind giving you an extra ten dollars for some of the items i'm in need of as many

kitchen chairs as possible i have a belorio that's going to be starting soon so yeah if you want to

to give me a call back i'd appreciate it call me at 888-278-8509 ask for extension 12 that's ralph

little john they'll put you right through to me i'm here for the rest of the night i'll be here

tomorrow 10 a.m i'm very interested in buying all your kitchen chairs please call me back

thank you good night this show's gonna fucking suck tonight i already thinking i already tell

we have a number for a red lobster yeah we have a number for a red lobster everybody

anybody want to throw a word or a phrase out at me so we can uh call you know i can look in here

in the bank talk brandon any suggestions here you guys low quality low quality let's see here i got

got the quality hotels in england let's call that the quality hotel in england everybody well

white milkman turned off his microphone because he doesn't like me doesn't want to be associated

sold out sold out the mouth everybody is on the brief front got you awesome you guys put me down

for two spaces i get two spaces sir are you an american you got to put this down give you my

spaces can you please write it down e a e s m is o x s m l l please don't forget the two l's sir

Is it small over there?

Is it big or small over there?

Spaces, are they, do you have small spaces or big spaces?

Spaces, are they small or are they big, man?

You're kind of dense, aren't you?

Is there someone there from England that I can talk to?

Look, I can call anywhere here in the United States and get some dumb asshole who can't speak English.

I was trying to get someone who spoke, you know, the gay, you know, British English shit, you know?

And instead I got stuck with another foreigner.

Is there anybody over there who speaks British English, you know?

No.

Nobody?

Do you have any guests or something that might talk to me?

Because I, you know, really, I was looking for something else here,

and then I pick up the phone, and it's like I called the 7-Eleven down the street.

What the fuck?

No, quit spitting the fucking around.

What is it?

What is it with you guys everywhere now?

With every counter, you've got to be answering the phone on every counter, you fuckers, now.

What's the big fucking deal?

It was, um, listen, it was fine when you ran the gas stations, and I didn't say anything.

It was fine when you started selling chicken wings all the time.

I didn't say anything.

Now you guys are getting into donuts.

and you're getting into this.

You know, whatever happened to the nice, fat, donut, American, white person

who made the donuts in the morning?

Now you call, yeah, hello, Dunkin' Donuts.

You know, come on, man, donuts are an American thing.

Now the hotels, all these people, I used to be able to call,

get a nice, white person answering the phone.

Even there, notes, all of a sudden you're the perfect scribe.

You're getting all this down, I bet.

Read it back to me.

Read me back the minutes.

Come on, what did I say?

Summarize it for me since you're so fucking smart.

smart asshole gangrene agrees yes they fucked up dunkin donuts that's right man feeling good

tonight milkman the milkman milkman you're just in time to give out the toll-free line

sounds to me like you're not on mute because you just said i'm still on mute you're gonna mute

well that's your you know what that's your own problem buddy you don't want to play don't play

that's fine yeah whatever okay milkman seriously milkman either give out the toll-free line or

or we're going to move on, or I don't have all night.

Can you hear me or not?

You can hear me all right now?

I can hear you just fine, Milkman.

This is why I'm asking you to give out the toll-free line.

I don't know what's going on, dude,

because I was going over here raising hell on all these other rims,

and they heard me fine, so I don't know what was going on, man.

I don't know.

So I just started and restarted it.

Now you hear me.

Can we move on now?

2-7-8-8-5-0-9-er.

We've got the time.

You just give us the time and call into the madhouse

We're going to begin the show live right now with the General Lee Simone and the gang.

Very good.

Thank you, Milkman.

Awesome, awesome, Milkman.

I understand you just moved.

You're back in the States again.

The Madhouse World Tour continues.

Where are you at now?

Where are you at this week?

Dude, this show is brought to you by Steel Beach and La Fabulous.

Yes, sir.

Orange County.

Welcome, welcome all the Madhouse members and crew and listeners and lovers out there to Orange County.

God bless it, man.

God bless it to hell.

All right, the next prank call is coming up.

Milkman, it's good to have you back in, man.

Thank you.

Sorry about the technical issues.

We're going to call Madam Tokyo.

Well, man, I have to explain to everybody.

Okay, on the flight, I guess the transportation authority,

they went through my bags and shit got taken out and get put back in

and they must have rolled over the top of it

and then just slammed it back in the back, you know,

The guitar made it fine, thank God, but not all my equipment made it with me,

so that was the delay there.

That was definitely not a 98-point mouth condition there.

That was compliments of the Transportation Authority of the United States of George Bush.

Thank you, George Bush.

Everybody, a round of applause for George Bush.

All right, thank you.

All right, we're calling Madam Tokyo, dude.

You ought to thank me, Mr. Bush.

Hey, Milkman, this is in Guam, your favorite country.

tree. Those are milk bands from everybody. Guam. All right, dude. Yeah, whatever. Madam

Tokyo. Madam Tokyo. One moment, please. A few numbers here. We got some numbers here

from Donovan also, so hang on. We're going to be doing some listener submitted numbers

here in a moment, everybody. Thank you for listening. Thank you for bearing with us.

Thank you for praying. Hello, Madam Tokyo. Thank you for praying here with me tonight,

Madam Tokyo. How are you, my babe? Hello, Mrs. Madam Tokyo? Yes. What's going on? Jack

Jack Valenti, how are you?

Jack Valenti, I designed the Dodge Stratus.

How are you doing?

What do you want to say?

I was trying to make a reservation.

She's got two eyes.

She's got two hands.

She's got one of those things.

Yeah.

You can slap on her, all right.

I don't know what to do to her.

Well, I know what I would do to her.

She's Japanese.

You know, Milkman, and you're half Japanese.

The only race that I have yet to conquer in the sack is the Asian people, the yellows, as I call them.

So one day I will.

Listen here, man.

I take offense to that, man.

Man, my backness is not very happy about that, my motherfucking shit, my motherfucking shit.

I got numbers in Japan here we could call.

We've got a Costco in Japan.

We've got the 7-Eleven here still from before the Hard Rock Cafe.

We've got a McDonald's in Japan.

Hey, y'all.

We've got the, man, that's a Japanese restaurant.

Let's see what else we've got here.

That's it.

Didn't we have more numbers in Japan?

Here we go.

We've got Little Angels.

We've got Nintendo Customer Service in Japan.

Another McDonald's in Japan.

Man, we did a shitload, man.

And we had a tour of Japan there on one show.

Yeah, we did.

And we had a whole Japanese whole thing.

It was fun.

God damn it, that was fun.

So fun.

You know what?

For good old times' sake.

The one girl got really horny when she was talking to you.

At the 7-Eleven in Japan, of course.

Who was that girl?

I told her I wanted to go down there.

And she's like, hi, hi.

Yeah, she was in.

Yeah, she wanted me to give it to her.

She wanted me to give it to her, man.

I mean, who can blame her?

Who can blame her?

All right, we're going to call Japan, everybody.

The Empire of Japan coming up next on The Mouth.

It took so long to dial.

Sorry about that, folks.

Mushi Mushi.

How are you doing?

First, do you like my voice?

She's looking through her papers, everybody.

We don't have any English speakers.

Do you have any Japanese speakers?

No, I just like to talk to Japanese girls.

Yes?

Mushi Mushi.

you sound so hot baby just keep saying that stuff to me i'm almost there come on

maybe me and you go out together get some sake i'm gonna hang up on you sweetheart if you can't

start talking all right just start saying something funny i'm gonna hang the fuck up on you all right

hello what a sad night she had to dig through just so she could answer you

She had a little script there

Just in case you called back

Did you hear at the beginning

She's like

Oh

You know what I mean

Just go through the pages

She has like about

Fifty languages

Arabic

German

Japanese

Chinese

Oh that's shit

That was funny

Orlando

Milkman

Hey

Milkman

You boys

Going to drink tonight

Yeah we are

Who's this

This is Donovan

What's up man

I'm happy

You sound happy

I'm always happy

Shit, man, I'm having a good time on here listening to you guys.

Wish you guys would do some tranks, though.

Jesus Christ.

Tranks.

Yeah, we're going to do some of those.

So where's this Red Lobster?

Do you know this Red Lobster that you sent me,

or is it just a number that you picked out of the phone book or something?

You've been there?

I don't know.

If I send you the number, I've already called it.

Okay, so it's confirmed.

Wow, that's good, man.

That's good.

Who's Sarah?

Is this a friend of yours, or just a Sarah in general?

It's just a Sarah.

Just a Sarah?

Yeah, just a Sarah.

I'll call that Red Lobster real quick, all right?

You want to hang on for that?

You want to stay on the phone line and listen?

And I'd like to listen, if you don't mind.

Yeah, you want to jump in on the prank call?

You let me know, all right?

You feel free to do whatever you want, man.

Because you know what?

You are special.

Got it?

The town feels right.

I'll come up on there.

God damn it.

Donovan.

Our leader.

There's a prank call.

It's coming right now.

Donovan, I'm going to interview you at the end of this, so get ready.

Good evening.

Thank you for calling Red Lobster on 95th and Metcalf.

Liz, how can I help you?

Hey, woman, can you speak up a little bit for me?

Because I can barely hear your shits.

This is Blizz from Red Lobster on 95th in Metcalf.

How can I help you tonight?

What's up, Blizz?

How you doing, baby?

Good.

I'm sorry I called you, baby.

I just, you know, I'm working on it.

I make statements like that.

I feel bad, like, immediately, and I apologize.

Okay.

I'm talking to the counselor.

We're working on it, okay?

Move on.

You ready?

Yeah.

Okay.

Hurry up, boy.

I'm on the food.

That's my counselor right there.

Hey, how much are your spaces tonight?

How much are what?

How much are your spaces?

Yes.

I'm not sure what you're talking about.

out. Well, me and my counselor are going to come in, so we want two spaces. We actually

close at 10 o'clock. Yeah? Well, what time is it now? I don't know. I'm in the flat.

I'm from the Virgin Islands. What time is it? It's 57. All right, so we've got three

minutes. I can take a to-go order. Can you hold up one moment, please? Oh, God. See,

this is the same thing every day. And it's 53, not 57. She better come back, Donovan.

She's getting the manager. Hopefully, the chef. Sam, what's going on, brother? All

Alright, be honest with me, you guys keep pumping out those cheese biscuits all day, how many you got left over?

You guys are clothed, because she said, I can't put a to-go order, so I was wondering maybe you could fill me up with those cheese biscuits, that's all I really like.

My clock forward biscuits, you guys are going to find any, at least you can, plastic Walmart, got some melted butter, just throw it there too, I'm going to shake the, this is food you're going to throw, some Jack, two pounds of screaming steel and sex appeal, sir.

You understand why?

I'm like mad, get me some butter too.

Want some butter, that's my counselor in the L.A., it's Samaritan.

Told you yet about the Book of Mormon?

All my butter beans, too.

All right, man, you've been on 98.6 The Mouth.

98.6 The Mouth, brother, thank you very much for being on.

It's been great.

You and your staff have just won a cruise.

Congratulations.

Where are you going to go on that cruise?

98.6.

Cancun or some shit like that?

I think there's phone conversation, sir.

Okay, I shouldn't do that, don't I?

Nope, too bad.

Conversation right now.

Hey, we can record it.

I got him on tape saying, all right, we can make it sound like he said, all right, don't worry about it.

It was my fault for making it queer.

Hey, you want to call Japan?

Sun Park Hotel

They gotta speak English

At the hotel dude

Alright this is the

Shinjuku Koo Hotel

Sun Park Hotel

Shinjuku Koo

Tokyo

Sun Park Hotel

It's the complete name of it

Fuck

This is in Tokyo

Japan

So get excited for that everybody

Welcome to the Shinjuku Koo Hotel

Have you ever called Japan before man?

That's funny

Dial that fucker like five times Donovan

Pissed off

Starting his one or mine?

Go ahead

Thanks, bud.

Moshi, moshi.

Can you understand what we're saying now?

Hey, how you doing?

Have you ever taken the ass in and out of a bullfrog?

I...

Yes.

No.

No?

Okay.

Well, I was just wondering, have you ever tried to go fishing for a bullfrog and accidentally

get the toadstool?

Hey!

Chinga.

No, no, no, sir.

No.

No, sir, no.

Here, please.

Yes.

Moshi, moshi.

Ching, chong, chong.

Ching, chong, chong, ching.

It's the China Club.

Celebration.

It's our brother.

Please, good sir.

You have $4.98.

$4.98.

And with that, we're going to call the Huster Casino.

Hours 34.28 seconds.

Before deduction of applicable charges as listed on the back of your card and poster.

What's going on? Is this the casino machine?

Pardon me?

I'm looking for the casino machine.

Casino machine?

Yep, the casino machine.

Well, this is the casino, right?

The casino machine.

It's like a machine, you know?

The machine goes bang, ba-bam, bang, bang, you know?

know? What do you got there exactly? You got a poker machine? You got a card machine. The

card machine. Yeah, the card machine. That's what I'm talking about. Security, I bet you.

I'll tell you what. I want to get to the poker table, sir. Put us through for a security

watch, I bet you anything. I know these people. What's your deal? What's your deal? What's

your problem? I got dropped over to you, man. I was talking to some woman and she put me

through to you. What are you supposed to do for me? Yeah, we're trying to get to the

poker table over there yeah we're talking about the poker machine she's like she's arguing me

about a machine something about a machine i don't know why she's talking about it she

she didn't say hold or nothing she goes you suck a hand she puts it through to you so what are you

supposed to do what do you do there you wash the bathroom we think i got my whole lot to

sit here and wait for you people i want to get to the poker table damn it this guy what's your name

yeah what is your name mr security guy you're talking to yourself motherfucker son of a bitch

son of a bitch that's right mother fucking cock bite hang on for this you want to hang

Hang up already.

Thank you for calling Yavapai Casino, located at...

All right, you do that.

Whatever, Donovan.

Hang on, we're calling a different casino now.

We're going to complain about the first one.

Got it?

All right.

Please listen carefully.

If you are trying to reach the Gold Rush Club, press 1.

For the security podium, press 2.

If you are trying to reach Blackjack or Poker, please call 776-569...

That's what?

...hold while I transfer your call to.

That extension blah blah blah this that versus shut up. Blah blah bing blah bling blah blue that shit all time pink

Yeah, say no one here's a bullshit. I go to the next one. Oh, hey Jerry

How you just down a mute you over here, man? I tried to get over there that table

I couldn't get over there told me to call you cheese

You just see it up in the hotel

You can look at my register and find out but I'm just checking out how on the hell

Did I get all hair not be able to get to the front the front gate to this thing over here?

Dude, you're talking to my cousin.

If my cousin over here had the problem getting in here, you'd talk to him for a second.

Talk to him for a second.

This is Jack.

I said that about the fire.

I'm 120 pounds.

I've never met the Jack.

Well, not that.

When the station came down, my tractor had to come pick me back up.

You're giving us a run around.

Just take it easy over there.

If I wanted a run around, you know, we'd go down on Prospect Avenue.

Do my shit thing.

Alright.

This is the guy.

They're transferring to a guy.

Hello?

Oh, sweet as a guy to a guy.

Give me, give me, give me the phone.

Hey, mister, I just unloaded this guy.

I just unloaded him out of my van.

They said he could not get in there.

What is the problem?

He could not get in there.

Yeah, they said he couldn't get through the gates, so they kicked him out of there.

What's going on?

What are you talking about?

You know how long it takes me to charge up that thing that goes up and down in my van

and lift him up and down off his wheelchair?

They said he couldn't fit through the damn thing, so he couldn't come in the casino.

He's got a lot of money.

What the hell's wrong with him?

I think it was.

Hold on a second.

he talked to him he's all upset and stuff why that's one of my questions because you know what

he's talking about sir he got a retrip we took the ride insurance company authorized i have the

surgery tomorrow for a lap valve system and i may not make it and if i don't got him and i was there

i got the receipt right now you want to sue you sue you silly not letting him in there because i

was too fat they said under fire marshal no but when i said he is going to tase him he said he's

gonna tase a man in a wheelchair what the hell's wrong with that boy 49 thank you very much for

being on anytime do you have a website you'd like to plug you've been pranked you son of a bitch

smile once in a while and you got it thank you okay we've been pranked son of a bitch smile

once in a while whatever that means gentlemen i mean i i can't help the guy if he doesn't want

to be helped right that's all i know ted is in the house hey what's up ted how you doing man

all right ted good uh i had to put ted on mute because he was coming back on the stereo mix

because that's why.

Whatever, Ted's fine.

Am I still coming back?

No, not anymore, you're not.

You were before,

and I've put you on timeout

for a little while.

For a little while.

I see Corey...

Hey, it wasn't my fault,

motherfucker.

Well, you know, whatever.

I see Corey,

the effeminate teenager,

is here.

What's going on, man?

It's good to see you.

Hey, guys.

Corey, the effeminate teenager.

Oh, my God.

He so doesn't talk like that.

He does not talk like that.

He's making that shit up.

He doesn't talk like that.

I'm just kidding.

What is he, your nephew

or something, Ted?

Watch out, man.

I'm sorry

there he is

what's up buddy

how you doing

hey milkman

hi milkman

oh that is creepy

hey Cory

you know that

Slayer kid

I was telling you about

who goes around

in World of Warcraft

as a

yeah baby

as a character

called Horny Girl

the 13 year old boy

who does that

he's up in the main lobby

yeah I know you don't

but

oh that's great

guys take it easy

we should get him down here

and interview him

hey guys

Jonathan's on the line

no I'm gonna

I'm going to get him to come down here and interview.

Will you show some respect?

I got Jonathan on the line.

What's up, Carlito?

What's up, Jonathan?

How you doing, man?

Not much.

What you doing?

I'm here just trying to do a show.

Hold on.

I can just a little bit.

I can't.

And your camera is lagging a lot.

I don't know what's up with it.

I've been seeing issues like that for several days on Stick Camp.

I don't know what to tell you, buddy.

I don't know.

When did this start?

All night?

Has it been like this the entire show?

All night.

Stick Camp's just been booting people out like crazy.

I don't know if your computer that you have a shit cam running on is on lagging.

I don't know what is on lagging.

I moved you.

Well, that's something.

So what else is up, dude?

What's going on?

How's the...

What else is up, dude?

I'm looking for my...

What is it called?

My...

There we go.

You know, I keep drinking Crystal Light.

I put in whole gallons and I drink straight out of the gallon now, man.

It's awesome.

Okay.

The bathroom in the woods?

Sometimes.

Sometimes?

Because I've only had to do it like once or twice.

And I think they were both when I was a kid.

Slay...

It's cool that Slay is in here, man, but put your headphones on, my friend,

because I've got to mute you because I hear myself.

And we have 58 people listening right now.

Jonathan, isn't that great?

58 live listeners.

Fuck.

Just lost Syndicate, though.

Syndicate just crashed.

Stickcam just crashed.

Holy shit.

Yeah, it crashed on mine.

They can't handle the madhouse.

They can't.

Syndicate can't handle the madhouse.

Yes.

The mouth is open.

Are you on PCI, you bastard?

Yeah.

Why doesn't the freaking title update then?

The title didn't update yet?

Let me fix that.

Give me a second here.

Watch this.

Everything is fucking up here tonight.

Yeah, now it works.

I don't know.

It just crashed on me and it came right back up on its own.

I don't understand what's going on.

This is fucking horseshit, man.

Syndicate people got to fucking work with me here, all right?

Jesus.

Get on the ball over there.

Come on, guys.

This is professional time.

No, I'm kidding.

I love Syndicate.

I'm just messing around.

Howard's almost on.

I don't know if I'm going to stay on, man.

I'm going to lose half my listeners when Howard comes on in 15 minutes.

Oh, yeah.

Actually, I'm ready to sign.

Let me test the simulcast here, Jonathan.

I'm testing here to see if I'm going to try to simulcast the David Letterman show live.

Let me see if I can.

All right, good.

The space shuttle Atlantis is going to be launching on the 7th.

That's awesome.

That's good news, isn't that, Jonathan?

You like the space?

Oh, yeah.

You ever go out to see the space shuttle go up, man?

Oh, yeah.

Ever go up?

Yeah, sometimes I do.

It's real fun to see.

Fun.

It's fun to see it at night.

All right, Jonathan, say hi to your fans and listeners,

because I've got to get moving along here, man.

We've got a little time left.

Never took a break.

Audio problems up the wazoo, and people are complaining.

landing. Jonathan, you're friends and listeners. Let's do it.

I want to say hello to all my

friends and listeners, and I hope you all have

an excellent weekend.

Good. Good work, Jonathan. You take care of yourself.

God bless you, sir. All right. See y'all later.

I'm always talking to Jonathan here in the mouth.

It's always good to talk to Jonathan on the mouth.

98.6.

I'm tired of that fucking jingle.

You stream...

Okay, guys. You guys are really freaking

me out. The next prank call

tonight is coming up. As I was trying

to mention before, Lonesome Loser has arrived.

quite a while ago which is fine that's good it's good to have lonesome loser here see what numbers

we have from him here while i get my ben music running here we go little mf doom here okay we've

got elsie porter frederick porter ashley york michael monty these are all in england well then

look all right let's call elsie porter here everybody elsie porter in barking essex england

in just a moment please

the noise

what's wrong

sorry I can't

understand you

who is it

I said when you

picked up the phone

you made a lot of

excessive noise

and I don't like it

is that Simon

yeah

where are you

see it's Simon

how are you

Simon

how are you

you old

Jesus God

why do you make

so much noise

when you pick up

the stupid phone

I'm here you

Simon

yeah

why do you make

so much noise

when you pick up

the phone

you made too much

noise with it

I'll go to another

phone

stupid

What's going on?

Yes, everybody.

What do you got?

She'll be back in a moment, folks.

Are you going to make her cry, too?

Possibly.

Let his cry.

AMD's on his way.

AMD's on his way in, yes.

We're going to hear from other people as well.

We got Jeepers requests out of the way.

Peelership here sent in.

Hello, Simon.

Listen, gasoline.

I need a ride.

Make any suggestions.

What

do you suggest I do?

You make me some breakfast?

Sorry.

You old bitch.

She doesn't want to make me breakfast.

She's still there, you old bitch.

You old bitted hag.

You old hag.

Nothing's working right here.

Can't get calls off.

That's right.

She had a heart attack.

Don't worry.

We got more numbers where that came from.

Let's see.

AMD.

I see them.

AMD.

Joining in AMD.

How are you, man?

How are you?

This is the biggest Madhouse roundtable we've ever had.

Imagine that.

And we don't even have any topics ready to talk about.

Hey, Kelly.

How are you doing, mate?

Hello, hello.

How are you?

Hey, man.

It's good to talk to you, AMD.

Hello, Governor.

How are you doing, Governor?

I'm good.

Who has the echo?

Who's the culprit?

AMD, it's good.

He just got laid about 10 minutes ago.

Awesome, AMD.

AMD, put some headphones on.

I know you got laid and everything, but you got to put some headphones on.

We got someone calling in.

Let's see what this is about.

I've got a bomb.

Hello.

I'm good.

What's up, Ted?

Not much.

You okay over there, man?

You seem kind of off today.

Again.

Yeah, well, last week you were off.

Also, you were kind of acting wacky tonight.

It looks like the same thing.

acting wacky

no you got a lot of

reverb on your mic

it's like coming

really crazy

whack-a-ma-jod

what are you

talking about

you bastard

okay well

let's just do some

prank calls here

before we end the show

how's that sound

alright

how you been man

I have a question

yeah

sure man

go ahead

why are you getting

things coming on

syndicate or what

um

I don't know

I don't think

anything's coming

on syndicate

uh

why am I getting

off early

cause I gotta get

up at 6

but more importantly

Howard Stern's

gonna be on

David Letterman

here soon

but he probably

won't start

until midnight

I know right

hold your horses

says, aw, look, they show Shamu on the TV.

Aw. Little baby Shamu.

The reason why I was asking was because I was

thinking about going on for a little while.

Oh, shit. And I thought, I thought if people

were going to be listening to Howard

Splurge, then they wouldn't have anybody to

discuss. Yeah, true, true. I don't know.

We'll see what happens. You should go on. Go on the 12, man.

That's fine. No problem. No problem there.

I had no idea that

there was a big game this week in football.

Look at that. Patriots at the Jaguars.

Imagine that. You know the Patriots are going to win.

and there's no way that the Patriots are not going to win the Super Bowl this year.

I haven't watched the crap damn thing.

Really, I've got little patience, man.

You like casinos?

Ted, would you like to talk to a casino?

New England bag Patriots.

Hi.

Kia dealer.

Yes, that's right.

Good call, my friend.

Purple Pasta on the website, live on the Madhouse website.

Submitted a number here.

Pasta.

That's what he calls himself.

It's a Kia Rio.

Oh, wait a minute.

It's not a dealer.

It says brother-in-law who's selling a Kia Rio is the name.

Okay, he's selling a Kia.

It's a guy who's selling a Kia because it's about to get repoed.

Oh, okay.

Let me send you his details here real quick.

Did you want to dial the number, or should I dial the number?

What's best for you?

You need to send it to me.

Okay.

All right.

Awesome.

There you go.

I just sent it to you on the IRC.

I heard it beep over there.

I don't understand what the heck is going on.

It's a weird night.

Nothing's working right, dude.

If he's got a headset with the headphones on the mic on the headphones,

it might be too loud in the headset.

milkman says you might have the headphones with the mic and the headphones are too close to the

headphones well it's a microphone i try telling him but turn down the volume in the headphones

milkman says turn down the volume in the headphones now you know what ted don't don't

worry it's a weird night it's okay we're not taking away any gold stars tonight tuck has them

all anyway tuck has two already it's okay let's just prank please please make pranks let's make

pranks every every reggaeton song is just like this name is purple pasta what's the name of

up selling the Rio. Uh, that's a good question.

None of them has a Kia. His girlfriend weighs 200 pounds.

He never told us. Hang on, let me ask him. We're not going to buy any Kia

Rio. Never heard of a Kia Rio before. What is that exactly? Is that like

the SUV version of their cars, I think? I think that's what it is, right? Or is it the small one they got now?

Yeah, it's a Sport Ute. The Sport Ute. Sport Utility.

Brab Utility. Alright, so. He didn't pick up. That's not going to work out.

No problem.

No, we need a different number.

We need different numbers, that's right.

I got Merrill Honey in England.

In England, right.

We got Richard Porter in England.

We've got Bunky's Bowling Grill and Bar in Chicago.

How about Richard Porter?

Richard Porter.

All right, cool.

Let's do that.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, see.

Everybody lets you know,

Howard's not going to be on until midnight anyway.

The first 30 minutes of Leno and Letterman

are all skits and monologues and stuff,

So, you're not going to miss anything by staying tuned here until midnight.

You know, hang in, wink, wink.

No need to go anywhere.

Stay with us, please, please.

Well, at least there'll be some people without television.

Yeah, whatever.

Dino's checking in.

All right, Dino, man.

What's going on, bro?

What was that number?

Was that a UK number you gave me?

Yeah.

Yep, see the 011.

I see it.

Chartered.

Dial, monkey.

Monkey, dial.

Dial, monkey, dial.

You know those Alley Pills I'm talking about?

Some of my Walgreens for weight loss.

Alley?

Yeah, A-L-L-I.

I know someone who tried that, me.

And, man, they made me shit oil.

Literally, oil was coming out of my ass.

Oh, because they don't allow you to try to eat...

Yeah, but it was bad.

I mean, not to be gross, but you do number two and you look at the water afterwards

and it looked like there had been an oil slick.

Like an orange...

I don't know how to explain it.

Like an orange oil.

Like you would see on top...

Like you would see on top of congealed pizza.

Nasty, huh?

Sorry for that image.

Shit?

Yes, thank you.

Who's this?

No, this is Jim.

What are you talking about?

Someone phoned me about five minutes ago, said that you had, uh, your toilet was overflown.

You know, they had themselves all worked up, so.

Wrong number.

Don't you, uh...

No, nobody lives here.

Well, you do.

Yeah, I do, yeah.

Taking false steps is not a way to live.

That's right, yeah.

But you're pissing off and leaving me alone.

How about you, how about you pissing off?

I love it when things hang out at home.

New York City is located in Madison Square Park.

Just checking in here, just a moment, hang on, Ted.

Here's Madison Square Park.

So it's a pay toilet.

All right, so David's out doing his monologue.

We're monitoring his situation here.

Stay tuned for the Howard crisis.

All right.

Milkman's in the satellite center now making sure that we do not miss a second of the action.

Howard Stern, he doesn't even want to be on.

Making such a big deal.

Mr. Ted, I'm just going to send you these British numbers here.

And we call, you know, you call what you think, and I will jump in.

I'm going to call a car dealer.

A car dealer?

Hey, you know what?

Let me just go on Google Maps and get a car.

Well, hey, I can go into the Lonesome Loser 2000 machine here.

Let's do dealer.

Dealer.

Look at the G-Talk.

I just sent you something there.

It just confirmed a minute ago.

Let me try Toyota.

Do I have a Toyota dealership here?

No.

Milkman, you sent something in G-Talk, you said?

Okay.

Yeah, they just confirmed, man.

A 24-hour taxi service there in Torquay.

Oh, in Torquay.

Oh, this is from AMD, brother AMD.

Okay, cool.

You got a Dodge.

Who wants to buy a Dodge?

It's just like the worst of the cars.

He said he has them on the scanner.

AMD, try and record them from the scanner.

That'd really be funny.

He's been dead two days.

Doesn't Jeep make the Hummer?

Milkman?

Who makes the Hummer, Milkman?

I thought it was Jeep.

Or no, who makes the Hummer?

Humana.

The company's name is Humana.

That is not Humana.

That's a good idea.

That's a good question.

Let me see here.

I thought Jeep made the Hummer.

I could be wrong.

Anybody out there can tell us who made it.

Humana, Humana, Humana.

Humana, Humana, Humana, Humana.

I'm no trick.

I've been to it.

Hang on.

I'll know in a moment here.

Did you find anything yet?

No, I'm looking for Jeep of Naperville.

There you go.

Napers.

Naperville.

It's later there, so see.

I got him a job at the post office.

Another news I'd like to discuss while Ted's working on that, you know,

hi, we're following the situation with high-pitched Eric here.

He made some harassing phone calls to some chick,

and now he's got charges against him.

Ted, you know, the stuff you always tell us not to do,

you don't ever call and tell people that you're going to stab them through their heart, right?

You would never do that, would you?

Oh, it's stupid.

Yeah.

You're playing with your own freedom.

Yeah, well, he kept exactly what he did.

He's been charged with a Class A misdemeanor

and will be appearing in court promptly soon.

Ha ha!

Exactly, Milkman, yeah.

The funny thing is, I actually got a hat for the longest.

I had it on my Dr. Lego like about over a year ago.

Two Septembers ago, Dr. Lego had High Pitch Eric call me

and he left this really violent and angry voicemail for no reason.

He's like, I'm going to kill you, Carlito, you motherfucker.

Motherfucker, you motherfucking asshole, I'm going to fucking kill you, and all this stuff.

And I saved him.

Oh, yeah, he gets all upset like that.

Hummer's manufactured by General Motors, by the way.

General Motors?

General Motors.

What is AMG, isn't it?

You're wrong.

I said it's cheap.

Well, it says parent here, General Motors.

You're right.

You know what?

I think you're right, brother.

Yeah, it is.

They're originally built by...

You're right.

You're the one who said cheap.

No, well, no.

They were originally built by AM General Corporation, but I think they've been taken over by...

Yeah, well, it falls under the wing of General Motors now.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, but good try, good try.

I hate, may I say that I hate Paul Schaefer.

I hate he's a bastard.

He's so untalented and stupid, Paul Schaefer.

Yeah, but he probably has more money than all of us combined.

Isn't that pathetic?

He's got more money than the guy on Jay Leno.

What's that guy's name?

I haven't watched Jay Leno in so long.

You know, the black dude.

He's not that, I hate Jay Leno's band.

They're so stupid and crappy.

I miss G.E. Smith and his Saturday Night Live band.

Geez.

The one that's down, I live like two blocks from it.

I don't know if they're going to answer.

You know, I'm going to call the one that's SBD, Ted, SBD.

That's the one.

Well, good thing we can't smooth it out.

But you know what?

What's that?

What do we know?

Not you, Ted, the other guy.

Say what Humvee stands for.

Humvee.

What does Humvee stand for?

Hummer?

Yeah, Humvee.

High Mobility Multipurpose Rear Vehicle.

Good thing they call it Humvee.

Hi, yes, I'm interested, please.

Yeah, sure, let me get you a cell phone.

Do you want to honor it?

Does that mean if I can't have you?

I was interested in a custom. If I needed a way, is that something you could do?

Tell me what car it is.

Okay, I'm looking at the Volant.

What I wanted to do is I wanted to take all the seats out of it.

If you could move the steering wheel over a bit.

I wouldn't need any seats. I wouldn't fit in just one seat.

So I need a lot of space.

So I just will sit on the floor of the car and we'll control it with the steering wheel in the center of it.

But is that something you can do?

Can you move the gas pedals over and all that?

To be honest with you, I didn't know your meaning by the custom like that.

If they were able to do inside, no.

You're looking for limited or excess or?

Yeah, the top one.

The limited is the top.

What are the features that make it top of the line?

It's got most of the luxury, like JBL sound system.

It's got leather interior, heated seat.

You don't want none of that.

You want an engine.

You want the steering wheel move.

And you want to put on all of that.

I also want a way to food for the tourists.

A full acceptance of the Potsdam Declaration, which specifies the unconditional surrender of Japan.

We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence.

To pay more than sticker, you know, because I understand that masking for a lot of custom things.

That's true, but I'm not sure if there is any money out there in this stuff.

But I'd be glad to find out for you if there is any of them.

any interest, sure. What's your name, sir?

Okay, my name, name is Purple,

is... Sneaky. Can you hang on for a second?

For a second, sure, okay.

Jack Valenti got a call

back there as an authority on

the Stratus. Yeah.

Jack Valenti's a call back on the Dodge

Stratus, Milkman says. Good call.

Gosh, did I even make the Dodge Stratus anymore?

That was a damn fine vehicle.

Making the Neon.

That surprised me because those Neons were very

popular. What do you want? What do you want, cat?

The cat here just opens a door.

I don't know how they learned.

It's like Jurassic Park when the Velociraptors learn how to open the doors.

This cat over here learned how to open doors now.

Can you believe that?

He just straight up opens the door all the time, goes in wherever he wants, breaks into his food, and jerks off.

This is 24-hour taxis.

That's in England.

That's in AMD's hometown, AMD representing Yorkshire Shire or wherever.

Where does he live again?

Torquay.

Torquay Devon.

Remember that?

Torquay Devon.

Yeah.

Torquay 24-hour taxi.

One of the quietest places in the UK.

You got headphones, man?

I asked you for headphones.

Yeah, they are on.

They are on.

I moved the mic away from him a bit.

Still on.

I still hear myself.

Is this Yorkshire?

This is in England somewhere.

Torquay, England or something.

I don't know where.

Where is it exactly?

Where in proximity to Yorkshire is it?

It's next to Devon.

Next to Devon?

No, it's not in Yorkshire.

It's in Devon.

In Devon.

It's in Indevin.

Yeah.

Oh, it's Torbay.

Torkay, Torkay.

It is.

Well, he messed up the first time, but Milk might correct it.

Oh, no, okay.

On the water, K is like a...

Torbay is the bay of Torkay.

Yeah, it is.

Torkay Bay, they just call it Torbay now.

It's just, you know, don't give me any shit, okay?

We'll be simulcasting all of Howard's appearance.

Don't worry, you're not going to miss anything.

Be tuned.

You're not going to miss anything.

We'll take a break from prank calls, because I want to watch it, too.

and I don't know that I'd necessarily want to end the show.

But he's going to be on for a whole hour, probably.

I'm not going to stay on for that whole time.

I'll play the start of it, and then we'll break and we'll leave,

because I'm going to want to watch the rest of it.

Plus, I've got to go to work tomorrow anyway.

Ted, are you still there?

Yeah, I'm calling this taxi, please.

Well, let's get Torquay on the line.

Tom, we need to write a CBS news.

Milkman, that's...

Can you go?

I don't know. It depends where you are.

All the way up to...

Yeah, well, where are you, Torquay?

Not that far from you, actually.

I'm on Walnut Road.

So what number Walnut Road?

It's 1414 Walnut Road.

14?

Walnut Road. I'm on the second floor. It's on the top.

What's your name?

My name is Jackson.

Do you have a mobile number for me?

I don't have a mobile number.

A number then, you know, a phone number in the house.

4-8.

What's the question here?

Yeah, have you got a phone number in the house? Because they ring you twice to let you know they're outside.

I walk outside the house and I use the telephone on the corner, you know, in the booth there.

They don't have...

Right, okay then.

So you want it now, Jack, do you?

Uh, yes.

How much would it be for a ride to Topsham?

Stop it, Milkman!

I don't know who you are.

£32.

So I need to go to Topsham, but then I need picking up someone there.

Yeah.

Final destination.

Need someone there.

Yeah.

And, um, going all the way over to Bournemouth.

Bournemouth?

I don't get the night ride as well.

Well, at least we can do it, Jack.

It's half past five now, obviously.

Excuse?

As long as the driver fancies a bum, everything will be fine.

As long as he fancies a what?

As long as the driver sees a bum.

And he's a bum.

He won a match at Bournemouth as well.

That's serious.

And that Chris Elliott's being gay.

I was expecting her to give this.

She's actually pretty accepting of it.

You didn't answer about the prep.

Maybe she, maybe she, I think she fancies a bum.

Ay, ay, ay, man.

Lonesome loser sending numbers in Paris, France.

Elizabeth French.

She's listening on the scanner right now.

On the scanner?

Good.

Scanner.

Is he really who AMD is?

AMD has a scanner?

Yeah, he's got a scanner.

He's going to try and get a reaction.

Let's see.

Let's see if we can hear that reaction.

AMD, put that up.

And Milkman, stop farting into the microphone, Milkman, please.

That's disgusting.

Well, give me two seconds, and I'll plug it all into the computer.

I've got to replace the mic with it, so I'll do it now.

Give me two seconds.

All right, two seconds, and he's going to plug it into the computar.

Hang on.

It's Chris Elliott was the guy that, he's the actor, the comedian, so-called comedian, right?

You know what I'm talking about?

Had that TV show on Fox where he lived in his parents' basement.

That was Chris Elliott.

Yeah, that's his name.

Go get a life.

Get a life.

Yeah, that was a good show.

I actually liked that show.

It was funny.

Remember he had a submarine and he filled up the basement with water and put together a submarine?

And he got stuck in the submarine.

How about the one where he went to the big city and lost his wallet?

I'm not sure.

I had some bad audio today.

This has been the worst of the worst in the audio.

I don't know.

Everything sounds fine to me.

Everything sounds like crap to me, all right?

And the good people at Syndicate are so embarrassed of me because of the bad job that I've done.

Two people hurt their ears already in the scope of the show, Ted.

Two people have hurt their ears by how bad it is tonight.

It sucks tonight.

See, that's what happens when you don't put us on the headline for the show.

Who's Chris Elliott with?

There's some other white guy with hair and Chris Elliott who's bald as fuck.

Chris Elliott looks like a, I don't know what he looks like.

He looks like Grizzly Adams.

He's gained weight.

He might be wearing really big, I don't know, shit.

shit. Okay, look, you want to call Paris, man? Yeah, let's call them French. Here's

what I like to do. I like to call the bowling alley. Can you make that happen? Can we do

that? Hey, is this the bowling alley? How much are your shoes? A half. For $1.50 to

rent for the whole night? And then $3 a game to bowl. You know, the other place, they do

$2 shoes and $2 games. Well, no, we're $1.50 a shoe and $3 a game. Yeah, but that's what

what you said that's not what i say i like i like you know i think what we'll do is we're gonna

i will what i think what i think we're gonna do is we're gonna go in uh pay two dollars for the

shoes and pay two dollars per the game okay a little bit too high can you can you can you

hail him again please there's a scooby-doo commercial on i tried to stop everyone from

switching to direct tv god i would love i would pay money to see one of those you know those

japanese people that draw porn on a disney characters i'd love to see a big orgy with

the Scooby-Doo people, man.

Not the dog, though.

Hello?

Okay, I can clearly hear you guys.

Look, listen, listen.

Two dollars for the shoes

and two dollars for the game

is what we're going to do.

Anyways, so...

No, it is...

No, I think we're going to...

We're going to go ahead...

If you find a better deal,

that's where you got to go.

Well, what I...

He says he left his blue ball there, sir.

It's like a marble one.

Fuckers.

I

to see the Mystery Machine people in an orgy.

Not the dog, though.

Not Scooby, but the other guys.

You know, because that one...

The one guy with the white sweater and the blue thing,

He's really dreamy looking.

And there's the stuck-up white girl.

I forgot her name.

And then there's the butch.

What were their names in Scooby-Doo?

I forgot.

All I remember is Shaggy.

Like, I remember what they did.

Well, Velma was the dyke-y girl, right?

And then there was the one, the blonde.

What was her name?

Daphne.

Fred.

And Fred was the straight-laced guy.

I'd kick Fred's ass, though.

I'd like to kick Fred's ass.

Yeah, have you ever seen that movie Fight Club?

Dude, I think he was homo anyway.

In the movie Fight Club, where the main guy gets beat up,

well, he beats up Jared Leto to a fucking pulp

because he wanted to destroy something beautiful, he said.

I love that scene.

I hate Jared Leto.

He got his ass kicked good.

You know, I want to know how many calories are in McDonald's iced coffee.

Probably, yeah, probably your daily worth of calories, man.

Isn't there one at Starbucks?

You know, I can't wait to see American Gladiator restart.

There's a few Starbucks that give you a brain freeze and you can't get rid of it.

It's been around for a long time.

Man, that's already been on, American Gladiators.

There was a two-hour special on Sunday and Monday night,

a one-hour episode of the new American Gladiators featuring Hulk Hogan.

Ah, shit.

You see how I missed it on my travels to far-locked England.

Yeah, and Layla Ali, and that is the official sponsor of the final hour of Madhouse Radio,

the New American Gladiators.

Be sure to go to the New American Gladiators, the newamericangladiators.tv, everybody.

Go there now.

You know what's really funny is when I was working at the television station years ago,

that was my show I ran.

McDonald's, McDonald's coming up next on the mouth, everybody.

I think all of you are still listening.

Thank you.

We're just hanging out, relaxing here, just doing some prank calls and talking.

We'll be off of Syndicate soon, I'm sure, because they don't like us anymore.

And playing.

I love you.

You can't answer the phone in McDonald's.

Well, they get busy at this time of the day.

Hey, dude, they got us headlining on our show on their site, man.

You know, Saigon and their brothers here, recent past here.

Very excited.

You know, Ted, this is the bum McDonald's, man.

Oh, no, it shouldn't be.

Jeez.

You want to call them McDonald's in Guam?

Those are always fun.

I love Guam people, Guamanians.

Yeah, let's go to McDonald's in Guam.

Let me find it for you here.

Hang on.

Let me go into the Lonesome Loser archives.

I'm going to read off Guam numbers.

We've got King's Restaurant, Michelle's Coffee Shop, Shirley's Coffee Shop, Stanley's Liquor Store and Deli.

These are all in Guam, mind you.

We've got Subway, Donut Tree, Winchell's Donuts and Pastries, the Grand Plaza Hotel.

I've got the Burger King at the Guam International Airport.

I need McDonald's.

McDonald's it is.

Jamaican Grill, Simply Food.

Yeah, my wife went to high school in Guam.

Your wife went to high school in Guam on a base?

Or did she live there, actually?

No, she lived there.

She's Filipino.

A lot of Filipinos in Guam.

A lot of Filipinos and Japanese, yes.

Go ahead, Ted.

You're looking for what now?

Looking for royalty-free music.

Yeah.

Like, I found a webpage called Incom.com.

Hang on.

Ted, I'm sorry to cut you off.

We have breaking news from the satellite center.

Hello?

Hey, there seems to be some salt water in the connection.

Are you there frying bacon or is there some salt water in the connection? Please come in over over. Do you copy?

Okay, 10-4. Hey, listen, I came in for one of your iced coffees

Yeah, I came in for an iced coffee. God your phone connection sucks. I command you to hang up the phone actually here Ted

Is that you what was that? That's just killing me. No, we can't talk to that lady. She's got a sucky phone

I had a great idea for that

Call the Enigua Enigua. Oh, that's just Kentucky Fried Chicken

Call a different one.

I don't know.

The Tumon one.

The Tumon.

What are your rates for Saipan?

Commercial break over at the Stern.

I think he's going to come back for a second segment.

But they are on a commercial break now.

Commercial for Chapstick Classic and 100% natural, everybody.

Chapstick.net.

I'm going to go there tonight.

Don't come back.

I'll help you.

Hi.

Is this the McDonald's, right?

Yes, sir.

Okay, look, buddy.

I was calling a few times and I couldn't get through.

Were you guys making a credit card batch?

Yes, sir.

We're using.

We have already the credit card, but we're not using it.

You're done batching it out now?

No, not yet, sir.

Oh, okay.

Because it was busy, busy, busy, busy.

And I called.

You know the noise?

It goes, dude, you know?

Nope.

Because I pushed the button.

And it goes like this.

You know that one?

A regular busy tone is like, call the phone company, get that trace.

It's not supposed to do that.

I forgot that, sir.

It only happened in years.

yeah i got the right one the only problem is i was i was i was uh i got an iced coffee you know

okay here's a problem i have sensitive teeth i've undergone treatment for sensitive teeth

they actually put this enamel stuff on my teeth and what it's designed to do is designed to kill

the nerves a little bit and i've been brushing for a year with this prescription toothpaste

because i have sensitive teeth and i drank the iced coffee that the ice hit my teeth in the front

teeth i got pain it made the pain in my mouth and i got scared i was driving and it was raining

and i spit it out i spit out the the the stuff in my mouth and i'm in the car and there's you

know iced coffee brown you know an ice and all this stuff all over the windshield i can't see

anything i slam right bam to a coconut tree right in front of me no joke man and i almost caused a

The 40-car pilot behind me was so bad.

I have sensitive teeth, and I drank.

You know, I was under the assumption the iced coffee's safe.

I looked at it all over.

There's no warnings.

It said, warning, the contents of this are cold, are too cold, or maybe too cold, maybe very cold.

Because we're putting ice on that iced coffee.

I know, so it was very cold.

But when I hit my teeth, my teeth were sensitive, and I had a big mouthful.

Spit it out, and it's a natural.

I can't help it, sir.

it's a natural reflex you know when you when the when something cold hits your tooth what's your

natural reflex you know if if i were to take uh if i were to take a hot uh a hot knife and put it on

your skin you're gonna pull away right but it's the same it's the same thing so there's coffee

all over the front of my windshield and i get into an accident so i'm going to be suing you

personally and I'm suing the

store manager and the franchise

the franchise man

and then the big company

McDonald's for the money

because I got into a car accident

because you're supposed to

you're supposed to

put the warning on the coffee

if it's hot

and you should put it on if it's cold

you're supposed to write it with a marker

we have a different cup for the cold

and we have a different cup for the hot coffee

but it doesn't have a warning on the on the cold coffee right no it doesn't have it doesn't say

it's too cold i looked all over it before i drank it because i'm responsible i read

anytime i eat something i take that package or that cup or that bag or that box and i read every

single word that's printed on it because i want to know what's going in my body and how much and

what it came from i need to know if it was processed in a plant that uses peanuts or

or manufactures peanuts, I need to know everything, absolutely, and I looked at this whole cup,

and I know where it says that this coffee might be too cold, but then it's not fair,

because I have sensitive toothes, so what happens if I have a sensitive crotch, you know,

and imagine if you didn't put a warning on the coffee, and I spill the coffee in my sensitive

crotch, the hot coffee, what happens, I get into a car accident, it's the same thing,

You're supposed to make a warning thing on it, and you didn't even write.

If you see the cup, well, you take a marker, and you write warning, cold coffee, warning,

and you put an exclamation point in a triangle, and you should try to make it red.

Yes, sir.

So what I would like us to do here, I want you to conference call me with the corporate man and the owner,

and we're all going to exchange information, and we're going to go ahead and take care of the lawsuit.

suit. Sir, can I know your name? My name is Ralph Littlejohn. From where, sir? I'm from

the United States of America. This one is from Guam, sir? Yeah, I was visiting this

country, yeah. Yes, sir, but we're not serving iced coffee yet. But you understand, I got

coffee with ice. It had ice in it. Or they just put ice in your coffee. Whatever it was,

they hit my teeth and I had an accident. And it didn't say it was going to be too cold.

It had milk and everything in it.

On what store did you visit, sir?

On yours, the plaza there.

The one in Somon, sir?

Yes.

I was on vacation.

I went to the plaza, you know, I got the Fodor's book,

and I read all the shit, and it said,

Come to the Japan plaza.

It was built by the Japanese prisoners of war,

that they built the plaza,

and they named it in their honor of that guy with the mustache, everything.

I came down, I talked to my lawyer.

I think my lawyer, he's supposed to be on the line.

Are you there?

Mr. Johnson's here.

With Johnson, Spiel.

He's going to talk to you further.

Can you get your manager on the line for us also?

We need to talk to you too.

Can you put more than one person on the phone?

Oh, she's not here, sir.

Okay, so...

Also, they asked for a manager.

How convenient.

Yes, this is very convenient.

My client has agreements with your business.

Your manager is conveniently on vacation.

I find that to be an outrage.

rage. I'm going to put her on. I'm going to ask my co-manager here. I still have one

manager if you want to talk to her. That would be advantageous. That would be prudent. Kids

all scared. No, you'd be terrific. I'm serious. We're waiting for the guy to come back from

McDonald's, everybody. In those days, you couldn't get... Hello? Hello? Yes, sir? Client

I think one of your workers there put ice in.

Yeah, but we're not serving the iced coffee yet.

I mean, one of your workers put ice in, like assembling a nuclear bomb or a hybrid car.

It doesn't require lots of robots and complicated machinery.

You just put ice in regular coffee.

Oh, no, we don't do that, sir.

When customer order ice coffee, and we told them that we're not serving ice coffee, only hot coffee.

Yes, but Quest, he requested that you put ice in the coffee.

So if he requests, just put ice on the hot coffee?

We can do that if he wants like that, sir.

Okay, I think we're missing the whole point of this conversation.

Okay, sir.

This is from work.

what I'm doing is I'm pursuing this case injury to one of his teeth and it was

weighted by or the chair of your party about to live near the plaza there from

here also two months were you working answer what company are you working at

why why does my place of employment have anything to do with the iced coffee yes

Yes, sir. If the customer is asking to put ice on the coffee, we can do that, sir, but we're not serving the iced coffee.

But if he requests ice on her coffee, yes, sir, we can do that. We can put ice on the coffee.

Okay, okay, okay. Have you ever been in a conversation, buddy, and then realized you're not listening to what you're saying?

It's just a grandiose waste of time for me.

No, sir.

Not that you would be able to detect it either.

We're going to move on to something more interesting.

Appreciate your time.

I'll take it.

And then she just made me lose some shit balls.

Shit balls.

Baz.

I sent a request to Lonesome Loser.

Baz suggested that we call Saipan.

Good work, Baz.

I didn't know that they spoke English in Saipan.

And apparently they're close to Guam.

Yeah, it's right near Guam.

Right near Guam, he says.

So that'd be nice to look into.

Maybe we can start getting some numbers.

Milkman, any information on Saipan?

Can you check the wires, please, man?

Please, Milkman, any info?

Saipan.

And, yeah, it's right next to frying pan.

Right next to frying pan.

Got you.

Okay, good.

Thank you.

Milkman, you get a gold star for that.

That was pretty good.

Thank you.

He's here all night, everybody.

Milkman.

All right, cool.

Cool.

He's going back to the States to get his work on.

Milkman's in L.A. right now, dude.

Oh, he is?

Yeah.

I messaged him the other night, but he never did come back until after I went to bed.

He says he messaged you the other night about it, but you didn't get back to him before you were in bed.

And again, he had to go to sleep early for his flight.

But, yeah, he's in, he's, how close are you to that area?

Milkman, where is it again?

Something Hills, Gay Hills, what is it?

Seal Beach.

Yeah, I don't live anywhere near.

Right next to Sunset Beach.

Ted is six hours away from you.

Wow.

I might rent a car and go up there whenever the job's over.

He might rent a car and go up there.

Watch out.

Your windows, close your doors, because Biggie Smalls, a.k.a. Milkman, will be coming over to your house.

He's a bad...

I don't think Biggie Smalls...

Biggie Smalls is a cross-eyed big guy, but he was a funny, he was a good rapper.

I think he don't like my chili.

We got Richmond Hotel and Conference Centers with an E-S.

Hey, see that? It's an Auckland, New Zealand.

Oh, centers.

Centres.

I'm going to go to the Centres.

What's the difference between a shop, S-H-O-P, or a shop, S-H-O-P-P-E?

Hi, I'm calling from America.

Who are you?

Yeah.

Yeah, and I wanted to come down there and book a room and a conference or two.

Conference?

Can you hold the line for a moment, please?

Sure.

Yeah, sorry.

Sorry about that.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's really annoying that people call when I'm calling.

Yeah.

So how big is the center there?

How big is it?

Sorry?

How big is your conference center there?

The biggest room capacity holds 200 people.

Okay.

Wouldn't have that many.

Okay.

How many are you looking at?

About four people.

Just four?

Yeah.

Do we have smaller rooms?

Oh, you do have small conference rooms like that?

Yes, we do.

Yes.

How unusual.

Would you like, sorry?

What is this for the four conference rooms?

Okay.

Can you give me your email address, your details,

and I will send this to my boss

because she is the one that is in charge

of all conference functions

and she can email you straight away

or we can send you a package.

Okay, I'll give you my email address.

Okay.

Okay, it's B...

B?

B as in boy.

Yeah, yeah.

G.

Yeah.

B.

Yes, S-P-A-B-L-E.

Looking at Jack.

Next Friday through Monday.

Friday.

I gave you an email address.

Would you like to send me your details?

Okay.

Hotel.nz.

Oh, what are the rules with regards to the conference rooms?

Like, do you drink alcohol in there?

Sharon can confirm all that.

She's the boss.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, Sharon is the lady.

In your experience there, what kinds of things, though, is it unusual to have a good time?

No.

With all your details, whatever you need, you can e-mail us directly.

Sharon can reply to you straight away.

Okay, because I might have some entertainment, too.

Yeah, that's no problem.

All right.

Thank you.

That's right.

B-I-G-P-E-T-E-R at gmail.com.

B-I-G-P-E-T-E-R.

Could you read that back for me?

Stern is done.

Looks like it was his best appearance in a while, in years, according to a quote on the Stern Fan Network.

Just taking a look at what people have said.

That was Dan Buchwald sitting next to Beth and no Ralphie list for this stuff.

Whatever.

Yeah, I saw Bala Bui and Beth at the end there.

That's pretty interesting.

Yeah, so I'm going to watch that here at the end of the show.

I'm going to go to the good old DVR and see if I can find out what it really was like.

I only caught bits and pieces of it, but yeah.

Ted, we've had fun.

We've had fun.

You want to keep doing some more calls?

Yeah, yeah.

Cool.

We've got a Saipan number coming in already for a Kelly Butcher.

Kelly Butcher.

Yeah, I also sent a number here to you for the Hyatt Regency Saipan, just confirmed.

Saipan, this will be your first year, Milkman.

I'm excited about this, man.

All right, hell yeah, man.

Get out the bologna and pop it in your scion pan.

I mean, scion pan.

Good thing to say that I'm from America.

That's why it's so great.

Joe America here.

Joe America.

Joe, New Orleans glow.

Which one are we calling here?

I'm one Kelly Butcher.

Is that what you wanted me to call, or should I call someone else?

Can you hail the Hyatt?

They're about to be open.

Did I send you the Hyatt?

Yeah, I did.

Oh, my bird, bird.

Hey, bud.

It's an American.

Oh, yeah.

It is, uh, protected.

It's protected.

Hi, this is the Hyatt's.

Yes, this is Hyatt, sir.

My friend keeps talking. I hate that.

Ma'am, I just flew in. I just flew in.

Uh-huh.

Okay. I was waiting for a shuttle. I didn't get it. There was some confusion.

I just rented a car, and I need some spaces.

For myself and my wife, one space, and then for my two kids, another space.

How much are we talking about in Saipans?

Okay, for now, I can certainly connect you to Fundance where they take care of that.

What do you do, baby?

What I do here is I answer the telephone, and then I transfer your calls to where they can help you.

So, yeah, here's the cool thing, and this place is beautiful.

on your desk you have your name and under it for your title it says the person who take answers

the phone calls on the phone and transfer it to the right person that's beautiful that they don't

just call your receptionist they actually describe your whole job in your title that's a beautiful

thing it's beautiful would you like to be transferred to funders where they can take

care of you i mean sir make it so i'll make i'll transfer you now thank you they were off with it

i will make it she's about to say it i will make it so i sent you a message on g talk

the alpha

The Alpha Mary David.

Sir, let's try the other.

Hi, is it the lady who answers the phone and makes the talk and puts it through to the number one?

The call came back to me, so I can try another number for you.

Oh, that's your job, too?

That's your job, too?

For you to be helped.

Yeah.

That's my job.

I'm just an operator here that will look into your card, which one you're talking about.

Thank you, the person who answers the phone when it rings back to you

and you put it back to the other person.

Thank you.

All right.

All right, make it so.

Make it so.

Make it so, number one.

Engage.

It sounded like she said, I'm the person that listened to your part.

It sounded like she listened to your part.

Yeah.

You know, someone farted here, and that someone was Milkman.

Why do I keep getting the blame, man?

I had my mic muted.

Was it that kid, Corey?

I don't know.

Yeah.

I'm starting to wonder if it wasn't you.

I think he eats all those beans because he's a damn vegan.

That could be it.

He's a vegan, right?

He eats a lot of beans and fiber.

I said you're farting.

Hey, sir.

Hey, Mushy Mushy.

Hello.

Mushy Mushy.

Yes, sir, can I help you?

How are you, sir?

Mushy Mushy.

Yes, can I help you?

Okay, good.

I'm looking for prices on spaces, please.

Oh, okay.

So you don't have a room yet?

Well, here's the deal.

You don't have a room reservation yet?

Shut up for a second.

Listen, here's what happened.

I had a shuttle come in and pick me up.

The damn guy didn't even show up.

Then I found out there was this big confusion.

I'm supposed to stay at the Hilton.

Man, they screwed me over royally, man.

And I'm telling you, they have my credit card on file.

I went down there, and I got on their phone, and I canceled my credit card in front of them.

And I said, look, I am going to sign a dispute against you, Hilton, because you canceled.

I had to call a taxi, and I had to wait like five minutes.

And the taxi took us down the two miles to the hotel.

I was supposed to have a shuttle, a shuttle, man.

So anyway, so I'm looking for spaces for myself.

I need a spaces for my wife and me one the spaces and and the second of spaces as for my two kids

No, no no spaces spaces spaces no room is spaces. I need a spaces. What do you mean spaces?

I need to a spaces for the night to a spaces room not to spaces calling you man to spaces as spaces as

spaces to

two. How do you, what do you mean

spaces, sir? I don't understand. I need space,

I need spaces for two.

Two spaces, two space.

You're going for a hotel room, sir. Yes,

yes, two spaces. Yes.

Two hotel space. We can give,

you want, I mean, two rooms?

I need two, are they, you have

smoking spaces? I don't like non,

I want non-smoking spaces.

You know, the space, you just, you

occupy the space. Yeah, we don't

have, like, what we sell here is

our rooms. Well, yeah, the room

Room is like a spaces, the room, the spaces, the rooms.

That's what I said.

We call it room, room accommodation.

Listen, buddy, I am from Serbia.

I'm Serbian-Croatian, okay?

I know I have this language thing, but I'm trying my hardest to get the two...

You'd like to stay with us?

The spaces as soon as possible.

Okay, because you said that you want non-smoking.

Is that correct?

Well, let's make a deal.

What do you have?

You said you want a non-smoking room.

I'm trying to find a non-smoking room for you.

Oh, no, you don't have the spaces?

Space or room, the same.

Yes, of course, of course, of course, my friend.

The spaces, room, spaces.

You want me to connect one?

Stupid kids.

You can put them on the other end of the fucking hotel for all I care.

I just want to have my room with my old lady.

It's her anniversary, and these two kids don't shut up.

You can put them in the smoking room.

I don't care.

Just do it.

I don't care if they get the smoking germs.

Whatever.

I just don't want to see them, okay?

Put them in the smoking room.

How many minutes will you be staying with us?

Put them in the smoking room.

room, let them lick the windows, get a taste of nicotine, it'll be fine. How many what?

How many nights he will be staying? Indefinitely. Indefinitely. Indefinitely. What do you mean

indefinitely? You don't know yet? It's going to be a while. Yeah, because we are fully

booked on Friday, so we can only accommodate you for eight nights. You know, if I'm staying

eight nights, you know, we can make a deal on the ninth. You know, we can go after the

eighth night. Why don't you just bump somebody? I mean, look, I'll give you 16 nights. I'm

I'm sorry, sir, but we are already open to 18.

I'll give you, look, how many for 16 nights?

Two rooms for 16 nights.

How much is it?

I'll pay it right now.

I swear to God, man, I swear on my mother, pay it right now.

How much do you want for 16 rooms?

Two rooms for 16 nights.

Tell me right now and I'll do it.

I swear I'll pay it.

I have the money.

I'll do it.

For sure, yeah, we understand you have the money, but...

16 rooms.

Okay, listen, listen, man.

How many Saipans would you like?

I mean, listen, I'm going to give you $300,

and we're going to pretend we're going to start from the beginning.

And that's cash I'm going to give you.

What's your name?

I'm Roland, the front office manager.

Roland, when I see you $300 in your hand, I swear to God, but I have...

I'm sorry, sir, but you don't have to do that.

Look, $400, I'm going to give you $500.

Do you go to college?

I'm sorry, sir.

You sound like you go to college.

How about I pay you for your tuition?

Look, 16 nights in a row, you can charge it to the credit card right now with a phone.

I have my Amex right here.

Yeah, we can accommodate you if you want.

We'll give you two rooms, but the actual date is 18.

We can only accommodate you.

Look, have these people tell them that they can't stay that night.

They can't stay next week.

You have to come back.

You have a week.

You say, look, Mr. Customer, I'm sorry.

But something came up, and the room we have for you has to go to someone important.

And what we're going to do is we're going to give you, listen to me, we're going to give you money.

Hang on, woman.

Well, we're going for 16 days, but this guy doesn't want to make it happen.

He's saying that he can't bump one of these people.

And I'm saying I'll pay for the hotel room for the other person.

Sir, I'll give you four $100 bills when we get there.

There. You can charge $16 to my credit card right now.

Right? Look, we're going to do this.

Okay, look, look, we're going to do this.

I'm giving you the credit card number. You ready?

Okay, here we go. Thank you.

Look, thank you for your patience, and I'm ready to give you the credit card number.

It's 3054-2501-3054-2501.

28953

expiration October 2009

and the code is 6442

you gotta take it man, the money in the bank

pay the bill, pay the bill, pay the man

pay the good man, pay the man

listen, I'm slamming my hand on the table

listen, here's the gavel, I'm gonna bang the gavel

motherfucker, listen, here's the gavel

it's over, done deal

resistance is futile

yes, we're gonna be there

in about, it's probably

everyone be quiet

Why? I'm going to say, you know, you're going to, you know, basically you're, we're confirming here,

I'm going to be staying for 16 nights, checking in tonight.

I'm sorry, goodbye.

And on the 16th night.

I have to hang up now.

I don't want a home a date.

What was that all about? That was wicked crazy.

What a weird conversation we just had with that.

An awesome first call to Saipan, man.

Yeah, that was an awesome call to Saipan.

Hey, check your G-Talk. I sent you a message, Amrano.

Good suggestion. That was funny.

I mean, dude.

No problem.

Are you called Ms. Butcher?

That's yours to open up, because I opened up the last one.

Ted.

Check your G-Talk.

I sent you a number.

Let's see here.

We got GT Locksmith in Wales.

Emergency call, Locksmith.

Awesome.

Thank you, Milkman.

Good work, buddy.

Or AMD.

Thank you, AMD.

The Welsh guys are always the worst.

The Welsh guys are worse.

The Welsh guys love the class, man.

Why the fuck are up?

Yeah, they don't take it too quiet.

Thanks, AMD.

Hey, they're nuts, mate.

They're nuts.

Good afternoon, Officer Fancy Long.

No worries.

I'm looking for Ms. Butcher.

She's not in now. Is there a message?

Sorry, what did you say when I called Ms. Butcher's business?

Yes, sir.

Okay, and what do you guys do there?

I mean, is there a message for Ms. Butcher?

This is the law. Is there a message for Ms. Butcher?

To the police?

No, it is not.

Can you leave a name? Can you please leave a name and number?

Look, I don't want any trouble. I just, I don't want any trouble.

Can you leave a name and number?

Can Ms. Butcher get back to you?

Okay, well, I'm staying at the Hyatt Regency.

My name is Jack Sparrow.

He's nuts.

D.T. Locksmiths, yes.

Get these guys going.

Tell them they love to cuss, and they'll get right back in his face.

Did you say these guys love to cuss?

What's in Wales?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I did not code it over for English international call code.

You'll have to translate that for him.

So, 011-447.

Kamalvin.

From where?

Kamalvin.

Kamalvin?

Yeah.

Kamalvin.

That's the name I sent to you in the information.

my uh kim arden wales okay i need that we want to get my hands on it before she

spends it all with that boyfriend of hers help me open it would give you some of it

it's actually yours it's not like it's encoded on the on the safe no no no no

it is on the a40 little area lane

this is rex cobra turn off the phone get off the phone now this is rex cobra

you're so stupid and thick sir you're stupid and cobra this is rex cobra

Cobra, let's just hang up the phone.

And I'm fabulous.

You can't phone him because we verified that it worked.

Do locksmithing anymore?

You said you're not going to do this job anymore.

Yeah, I'm not.

I am bisexual.

I'm fabulous.

They ran a propaganda campaign against Timson Locks.

I'll dump him.

Oh, he's so passive.

He wouldn't get off.

I know, I know.

Normally Welsh people are nuts.

People usually get mad.

People usually actually get mad at Rex Cobra.

First time no one ever attacked Rex Cobra.

I know he was white flaccid. He was. He must be drunk. I like to know.

McDonald's of Saipan. In-house restaurant, pizzeria, bar and restaurant. It's all in Saipans.

Hey you want a hula burger? Tell them you want a hula burger from McDonald's.

Where's that? Song Song Rota. Where's Song Song Rota?

I don't know but something tells me it's probably not going to be one cent a minute.

No it's the 670 area code. That must be a town in Saipan.

You're calling the pizza place? Yeah.

Yeah, Jack Masterson, do this.

Sister, where's Rota at?

What is that?

Is it close to Saipan?

Near Saipan?

In Saipan?

You said both of them at the same time.

I didn't know that was physically possible to say two words at the same time.

Near and in.

Near in Saipan.

That makes perfect sense.

Thank you, honey.

Thank you very much.

Yes.

Very beautiful.

You're so smart.

Can you take my order, please?

Take my order, please.

Yeah, what?

That's your wife.

To be honest with me, do you people get dumber the further away your island is from us?

How is this, please?

This is Rex Cobra, and I've been actually calling around the islands,

and it seems the further away I get from the U.S. mainland, the less coherently you people think.

Make an order?

Yeah, make the order, please. Are you ready?

Yes, sir.

One large penis.

What specials do you have?

Sandwich.

Sandwich pasta, okay.

Yeah, give me a sandwich pasta.

I mean, that sounds great.

I love pasta.

I love pasta sandwiches, too.

Do you make a filet sandwich or like a spaghetti sandwich?

Yeah, do the garlic bread.

That sounds like a good sandwich right there.

Oh, so you eat pieces of garlic bread and then you pile in the middle and you make a pasta sandwich?

No.

Oh, you don't do that?

I'm good times.

Yeah, you got to update.

You got to get some more pizzazz in that menu, baby.

Yeah, because this other place, they make pasta sandwiches and they're so good.

You take two fat pieces of...

Hang on, let me get Jack.

You take two big fat pieces of garlic Texas toast.

Then you put some Sephora de spaghetti meatballs on it.

Well, I was trying to make an order, so can you put me down for one of those pasta sandwiches?

What kind of costumes does he make, your costumer?

Does he make, like, ball gowns instead, or mostly, like, Venetians?

He works all year on the Halloween costumes.

It's good.

Sandwiches are killer.

A lasagna sandwich.

You know what?

Dude, I'm thinking right now making a pasta sandwich, to be honest with you.

So I got some Chef Boyardee over there in a can, and I got some garlic Texas toast,

and I swear to God, I'm going to do that with a piece of American cheese right now.

Oh, God.

I think we just invented.

I think we just invented the pasta sandwich here at Madhouse first.

We just invented the Madhouse.

It'll be the official sandwich of the Madhouse.

The pasta sandwich.

Or, you know what, a lasagna sandwich would be good.

That would be good.

Lasagna sandwich.

A little bacon grease on that.

A little bacon grease.

Yes, that's right.

The food of the fat boy.

A little bacon grease on that.

44-ounce cup full of mayonnaise and ice.

Good to go.

Good times in the Masterson household tonight, everybody.

Roto and Saipan are both part of the Mariana Island chain.

Thank you very much, Lonesome Loser.

You get a gold star.

No.

No, don't do a gold star.

Tuck has two, Lonesome Loser has one, and Lonesome Loser has one.

Bimini?

Bimini? Tinian

is right next to

Saipan, and that's where the

atomic bomb attacks

on the counter launch. Those morons are so

dumb, they signed over the American government to

let them do an atomic test.

That's even worse than, that's probably the dumbest

That's where they launched the bombing of Hiroshima.

The launching of the bombing of Hiroshima.

Wow, I would love to touch base with those people.

So I hope that Lonesome Loser hears that.

Maybe if not for tonight, maybe the next show.

Man, I'm running still.

It's 1 o'clock in the morning, and we're still running strong.

We have 24 plus 4 is 28.

And let's check out the syndicate totals here.

It's been a wacky night tonight, and we've got another 18.

So that's, I don't know, 102 listeners.

All right, awesome.

awesome 98.6 the mouth you're in the madhouse baby 98.6 no all right so what were we talking

about now we just played a promo for the mouth oh that's the one okay so what to do next we

got the chicken house oh you know what i didn't i didn't tell you what i was going to tell you

before oh tell me called incompetent supposedly a guy has a decent collection of royalty-free

free music. He's composed himself.

Everything from, like, music

loops, everything is royalty free. So,

play without any worry about...

Stipping on somebody. And comp,

I-N-C-O-M-P, I-T...

Compatech. I-T-E-C-H.

Excuse me. I'm sorry, folks. I'm sorry.

R-I-A-A-S-U-X.

That's the site. R-I-A-A-S-U-X.com.

R-I-A-A-S-U-X.com

is what it says.

A-S-U-X.com. I tried

my spelling of incompetech, and I

couldn't get it, but maybe you'll get it to me later, bro.

Yeah, it's not a very good domain name, but there's a lot of, you know, okay music to play in the background.

It's not like you're going to be jamming to it in your car.

It's just good background music.

For sure.

I mean, we haven't played much Brack Bar music tonight.

It sounds like, you know, to me tonight, for some reason, it feels like, you know,

those Saturday night shows we do every once in a blue moon?

Oh, the disorganized ones?

Yeah, that's what this night has been, but those are always actually a lot of fun.

Sneak Turd Burglar, man.

That poor kid.

I hope he's all right, man.

He was in Iraq last I knew.

Oh, Burgle Turdler.

Burgle Turdler.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, okay, anyway.

He's got a new, yeah, he's got a new tyke.

He's got a little baby turd.

He's got one of those little pebble shits.

All right.

Lovely.

Yeah, do you want to call the Chicken House restaurant?

Oh, okay.

If you can take that one, because I've got to get up and stretch my legs real quick,

but I'm going to be on the cordless phone, so we're okay.

Everybody, listen to Madhouse Radio.

We're running strong, working hard.

My anniversary's tomorrow night.

Well, my anniversary's tomorrow.

Today.

Tonight.

It's 1 o'clock a.m.

Is it like wedding anniversary or show anniversary?

No, my, uh, my, uh, relationship anniversary, whatever.

We're still engaged. We're not married yet, but...

Oh, yeah, that's right, that's right.

We're still gonna celebrate that.

Oh, you remembered. Aw.

Are you taking me out to dinner?

Ted, let me...

Are you... Did you dial that yet?

Yeah, it's going.

He's on. He's quiet.

You're talking while I'm away from the computer.

You open now, you sound very quiet.

One order of vegetarian chicken.

Fuck!

It's the whole vegetarian thing. Sorry to hear.

Can I miss the mail, please?

Wow, wow.

Wow.

This is McDonald's.

Go ahead.

How is it possible that she heard me with all the noise and as far away as she is?

She heard me go, she heard me do my little laugh when people in the States never hear that.

It wasn't even loud.

The second she heard that, she clicked.

Those people are weird.

There must be something special about those Saipanese people.

Those Saipanese people, man, they don't play.

They don't like that at all.

They have an extrasensory perception.

Whatever.

Ah, damn.

Take it easy, folks.

Jeez.

What else?

Are we out of numbers now?

Let me see.

Let's see what Lonesome has sent.

I know he sent in all those Paris numbers, but they speak French, you know?

I speak some French, too.

I can make fun of them.

Yeah, but, you know, it just sounds weird.

Ooh, the Naked Fish Restaurant.

Did you get that one?

No.

We got the Naked Fish Restaurant.

What fish do you know that we're closed?

No, and the Ocean Palace Sharks Fin Seafood Restaurant.

Whatever.

Oh, those people kill sharks for their fins.

Those sick people.

Yeah.

You take that one.

Can you call the Naked Fish Restaurant for me first?

You can tell them you're offended by the name.

Demand that they clothe their fish.

Caney's been sending in verse 2, I just noticed.

He's sending it to Vulcan Hotel.

Where's that?

Let's see here.

From Vulcan.

Vulcan AB.

Where's AB?

Next to C.

Alberta.

That's Canada, Alberta.

Gold star.

Tied with Tuck with two gold stars for the night.

Milkman falling behind at one.

Some moves are tied as well for last.

Gold star.

I said Alberta, Canada, clown.

What about me?

I'm the one that brought up the whole Saipan thing.

Fish restaurant, sir.

Hello.

Sir, it's just naked fish.

The jerky boys.

Can you terminate the call, please?

Which one is that?

That's with the driving, right?

He said he got backed over with my fucking legs here.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Right, terminate the call.

I've got a stink coming off my legs.

A stink coming up here.

I think it's the marrow.

You can play it now, Ted, but you have to go to the computer to hear it.

I can just unmute myself.

Okay.

Let's do that, and I'm gonna put the phone on mute.

I'm gonna play that real quick, cool?

All right.

Yeah, he backed over my goddamn legs.

Now, I'm standing here with shattered fucking legs.

That's all I need.

I just came to in the fucking hospital here.

All I remember seeing is that little friggin' cute sign you have there about the bad driver.

Okay.

Hello.

Can I get your name and number?

Oh, Christ.

It's always this way with you people.

Where the hell do you get these drivers from?

What are you, pull them off the street?

What is this?

Pull them out of the subways?

For Christ's sake, this guy backed up over my legs three or four times.

They look like fucking chopped meat now.

Sir, I want to help you.

Oh, Christ.

Oh.

I'm going to help you.

I need to get some information for you.

All right, go ahead.

Shoot.

Shoot me some info.

Go ahead.

I need your name and number.

I've got to give you my name and number.

When I've got some guy that, you know,

smashed me into little pieces as a human being.

Okay.

Well, can you at least give me...

If you saw my legs right now, buddy,

you'd probably vomit.

The damn things are sick looking.

It's horrible.

The fucking dog will be nipping at me in a little while

with these fucking legs the way they are.

For Christ's sakes.

Do you have the vehicle number at all?

Ah, Christ, the vehicle number.

I was in a big delivery truck

and some swill or some shit was dripping

out of the back of that fucking thing I don't know if you have the company name

of the vehicle all right how the hell am I gonna see the company name when I'm

busy rolling around underneath the fucking truck sir I'm just trying to

help Jesus Christ you're asking me for company names and I'm laying under the

fucking truck I can give you serial numbers that's about the best I can do

for you for Christ's sakes the goddamn gearbox

crushing me in the ground you're asking me for the fucking the name of the

business what do I look like a fuck Tomcat or something dog a nightcrawler

Jesus Christ go ahead shoot oh I'm gonna have to I'm gonna help oh this is

is funny. Are you laughing now, for Christ's sake? No, I just need to get the vehicle.

Oh, jeez. The more I think about it, the more angry I get now. I'm laying up in a fucking

hospital bed. I won't be able to get myself near a fucking bottle of hooch, and you're

fucking telling me that it's a fucking joke? It's funny? No, I'm not laughing at all, sir.

I want to get some information. Oh, Christ. So I can help you. Oh, man. Oh, man. There's

this bad fucking awful stink coming off my legs here. It must have been something in

in a fucking marrow or something, for all I know.

Okay, and what day did this happen?

Oh, man, it happened today.

I just came to it in the fucking hospital now.

I'm just, oh, Jesus.

You know, my friend tells me you can call the numbers

on these fucking delivery boys there.

Okay.

Can I, what time did this happen?

Time.

How the fuck am I going to remember?

You say time now.

What are you, a wise guy with the time?

Okay.

I'm supposed to remember time

when I'm fucking out like a light.

Time.

Sir, I'm going to disconnect.

Ryan, terminate the call, please.

Hello.

For Christ's sake.

All right, Ted, be sure you take your,

Get back on mute over there

So we can get back on the phone

Ryan

That's what we're doing

Alright so the naked fish

Didn't work

But we can go ahead

And uh

You can go ahead

And take a stab

At the Ocean Palace

Shark Fin restaurant

As you're not muted man

No one

Alright man

Yeah there you are

Hey

How are you

Shark Fin restaurant

These are sending in

In Singapore

Reservation

When

Tomorrow

Lunch or dinner

Dinner

Okay

What time

7 o'clock

January 12

7pm

Yes

how many people 42 how many people 42 large uh large party birthday party for the party right

yeah 42 parks for the buffet yeah do you well we we want a shark scene you want the shark thing

yeah every everybody get one shark scene everybody will get one shark scene right

you cook a shark scene sure we can but you should be actually for this one you should be coming here

for what's that? For the deposit first. For the what? Deposit. Oh, deposit. Yeah. Which is a one shark fin? Depends. What? Can you? Because we have, okay, okay. Give me, give me. Because we have a different kind of the shark fin. I don't know which one you want. I want the biggest one. You know, in the menu have a lot different kind of the shark fin. I don't know which one. You kill a lot of shark, lot of different kind of shark. Yeah, we can cook in different

So I'm not sure which one you like and which one you want.

The thing I want is to make sure sharks suffer as much as possible,

both fail to swim, fall to the bottom of the ocean, and get eaten by little other poisonous creatures.

I want that.

Oh, I'm not really can understand this one.

If you have time, can you come over in the restaurant?

Go with you, the shark?

Yeah.

If you have time, can you come in the restaurant talk to me?

Because now, in the phone, I don't really understand which one you want.

Yeah, me either.

I want to read the Earth of the Sharks, like you.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

See you tomorrow.

When are you coming?

Okay, so tomorrow afternoon, 3 p.m., right?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

And then we plan how we're going to get the shark.

Sure, sure, sure.

Make sure there's none left.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, thank you.

See you tomorrow.

Bye, evil woman.

Do you have your phone number?

Oh, okay.

You ready?

7-0-0-6-7-0-3-2-3-2-0-2-0-2.

Yeah, and I'll probably be reborn as a slug in the next life for wreaking havoc on helpless animals.

But, yeah, so I'll come over tomorrow, and we'll talk about the shock thing.

May I have your name, sir?

My name is Song Song.

Song Song.

Miss.

So, just one more time, the phone number.

6-7-0-5-3-2-5-3-2-7-4.

I think of a live cylinder unable to swim, and, you know, it's a great thing that you do, yeah.

Well, okay.

We're talking tomorrow, okay?

Bye.

Bye-bye.

This is so dumb.

Okay, bye-bye.

Okay, you evil bitch.

Okay.

Well, they're weird because then she jumps in.

Can I have your phone?

I was like, whoa.

I thought she had, you know, figured it out.

She came back real quickly.

Can I have your phone number?

I was like, whoa.

Like, have you noticed these Saipanese people, when they pick up, they say hello, and then

they say hello again, like, immediately, if you don't immediately answer them.

Like, it's hello, hello, like that, like, yeah, just like that, very fast.

We got numbers, and, and, and, where was it again?

Singapore.

Well done.

Is that, is that, ooh, the Gayatri restaurant.

Wow.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you!

Fuck you fucking penis shit!

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Calls (26, 1 h 39 min of 2 h 48 min)

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