2008-03-22 Show

Who the fuck is this?

Fucker, who is this?

You are listening to the Foothouse Radio Podcast.

Who the fuck is this?

All right, let's talk.

Who's here? Milkman's here.

What's up, Milkman? How you doing, bro?

We're doing really good.

We've got a great, crazy place we call the Madhouse.

Hey, I got a message here from your brother, Mr. Wreck, also.

Really?

Where is he at? I don't see him anywhere.

He messaged me, and I'm going to paste it to you, so he's available.

Okay, well, that's good.

Good, good, good to have him around.

He was looking forward to being on.

Excuse me, I'm still coughing.

Got the bad coughs.

Anyway, I see Brandon, Vegas, and Tucker in here also.

What's up, guys?

They are.

Well, I got a few numbers from Lonesome Loser.

Yeah, you would not be lost, bastard.

I got a few numbers here from Lonesome Loser, we can call.

You guys got anything?

Oh, here's something I wanted to do.

This is, you know, anybody who's listening.

On this Saturday Night Show, I'm taking the same format with the other ones we've done recently,

was basically we don't do any official show don't need any official radio banter or official music

or or this or that or presentation we're just here it's like we're all just sitting at a table

me milkman talk right in vegas anybody go take a nap yeah well yeah you can go ahead and take

your shoes off and stuff you know we're just here to have a good time and and test some stuff out

still coughing a lot what are we testing yet we're testing new toys for the christmas season or

or what got a new phone on got a new phone line uh installed today want to make sure it's working

good i see recludes in the house oh okay i'll play applause still all right i'll still i still

like applause let's do the whole applause you know we'll do the whole applause thing still

every once in a while but for the most part it's just us having fun i said we get a big conference

going you know what i mean now we did that a few few months ago tuck you weren't around for that

That one, but that was me and, not Reckless, me and Turd Burglar and Ted had fun one night.

That was like around, it was like August or something.

I keep having to, yeah, it's a little bit, keep having to go on mute.

Yeah, that was a good show, man.

That was hilarious.

Everybody at McDonald's was enjoying it.

We don't cough, we don't get off.

Yeah, and the corporate organization of Walmart also was there.

Yeah, Walmart and the place called Steak Man.

Dude, that was fun.

That's a fun prank call, too.

Let's listen to that real quick.

That prank, rather, is called Hey, Steak Man.

There you go.

Look here.

There's your brother there.

He showed up in the chat room.

There, I'm on him.

That's right.

Recklude is in the house.

That's good.

Recklude, hang on for a moment.

I'll have you call in.

Let's listen to this first.

Hey, Steak Man.

I'm calling from store 263.

This is what?

There's a store in Mesa.

Hang on just a second.

I'm going to pass through.

Hello? Hello?

This is Walmart.

What?

Call him Walmart.

Walmart?

You are calling a Walmart.

We're calling a Walmart?

Who's calling a Walmart?

Man, just one second.

What's your phone?

It's Walmart.

Where is it?

This is, uh...

This is Caspery Walmart. How can I help you?

Sorry, what?

Someone just called me from this number, and, uh...

I don't know...

So, do you know anybody that works here, or...

What is it?

Madhouse Radio is live.

It's live up your ass. That's where it is.

Because, God, I just had the worst hacking fit.

I don't know if my video feed is up on the website, manhouselive.com forward slash chat.

But if you're watching the video.

It's like green goopy drip on the lens.

I just took my peppermint oil, so it's flared down a little bit here.

But I think I have a little bit more hacking to do.

so if one of you can quickly request a prank call any of the reason ones anything else

milkman talk tuck what's your favorite manhouse live call recent you got grits handy i don't know

that's not recent but that's uh of recent i guess i got grits baby of course i got grits i always

have grits put the grits one on hey right sir you got it all right yes sir so you're gonna make up

up your mind or what make up my mind about what is it grits or is it or is it liquor it's grits

so i can go in there get some grits right now you got cheese grits or ham grits or what we got them

in the pack you can buy them and take them home and cook them fuck that shit man i want you to

make my grits for me we don't make grits then why you have grits in your first name asshole

why are you asking so damn many questions because i'm if i'm gonna drive down there i'm gonna not

waste my gas i'll tell you what gas is expensive there old boy sure is yeah well it is well shit

I think it's false advertising you say that the first thing you sell is grits.

I ain't got time to listen to all this bullshit.

What you want?

How do you make grits?

If I go down to get a pack of grits, you eat grits, fat boy, or what?

Yeah, I eat grits.

All right.

How am I going to make it?

What, I take this bag of grits and throw it in some water?

How do I do it?

I don't give a damn how you make them.

You can do them any way you want to.

You're a fat fucker, aren't you?

No, I ain't fat fucker.

I'm a pretty good fucker, though.

What did you just say to me?

I'm a pretty good fucker, though.

How dare you talk to me like that on the phone?

I dare you to talk to me that way.

You just said the F word.

I'm just calling for some proof.

Who the hell is this?

This is Bo.

Who?

Bo Steen.

Bo Steen?

Write it down, you fat fucker.

Bo Steen.

How do you know I'm a fat fucker?

Because I can hear it in your big, fat, wally-ass voice.

What can I hear in your wally-ass voice?

You hear it.

I hear a bunch of bullshit.

That's what I hear.

I'm going to go down there and make you eat my shit out of my ass.

I got a damn 38 that says you ain't going to make me do a damn thing.

Oh, I got you on tape threatening me.

It's over.

You better give me some time.

All right, I want to point out two things.

Reclute, first of all, I've got to switch the line for the toll-free line to the new phone number.

My bad, Reclute.

Reclute's about to call in here in a moment.

Let me go and call it real quick to do that.

I'll keep playing this.

I want to mention that Milkman, you...

Hey, do you have that one on the line?

Milkman, I just wanted to mention, and I'll let you do your comment, but real quick.

You just about ruined this prank call originally because you talked over so much of it.

You kept interrupting it, and I got so mad at you for like two months.

I was so mad at you that I would, like, mute you for, like, every single prank call.

Because, like, I was able to cut it down to, like, two comments.

But throughout the whole prank call, you just hear Milkman saying,

Tell him your name is Walter. Walter.

And I'm like, what the fuck? Shut up. I'm doing a prank.

Like, the original version of it, I think I cut out, like, 48 seconds worth of Milkman interruptions.

Because, like, the difference is 437, and the final version here is 326.

Actually, that's almost a whole minute worth of stuff that I cut out of it.

This is the less improved version.

This is the improved.

The original version, man.

You're going to have to get that out.

That's the original version.

Yeah, right.

The one you stepped all over, yeah.

I ain't giving you shit.

Well, I'm going to go down there and give you some shit.

I'm going to punch you in the mouth, you fat redneck.

I'm going to go down there.

You're going to make me some grits, and I'm going to have sex with you.

How are you going to go down there?

I ain't down there.

I'm up here.

Because I'm up here north.

I'm in New York.

Oh, who is this?

I told you.

My name is Bo Steen.

I don't know Bo Steen.

I'm a good old boy from town, and I'm going to go down there.

Which town?

You're going to make me some grits.

What?

Which town?

Don't make no change, ring no bell with me.

You're such a good...

You're a damn lying son of a bitch, too.

You're a stupid cock, and you're a liar.

Hey, if you don't tell me what the hell you want and what you called me...

I want some grits.

I said G-R-E-T-Z.

I told you you could go to the grocery store anywhere and get grits.

Well, I want grits from your place, because your place does grits.

I ain't going to sell you none.

I don't like your attitude.

You don't even know who I am.

I'm going to go down there and force you.

Well, I said I didn't know, and I'm fixing to hang up.

You don't know?

You're going to make it for me for free.

Then I'm going to have anal sex with you.

No, you're not having no anal sex with me.

Yes, I am.

You're going to like it, too.

No, you're not.

It's going to be just like when your cousin was in town.

What cousin?

Your cousin, girlfriend, mother, sister, wife.

Who?

Your cousin, boyfriend, mother, sister, wife, cousin.

You can go to hell, too.

You can go to hell, you damn Republican.

bo steen i don't know bo what's your name hi i was wondering if you'd like to make a donation

to the homosexual movement of south carolina what did i just get through telling you that

you would have made me call back here anymore boy i'm gonna have sex don't call me no boy i ain't

no boy i'm old enough to be your father boy all right good deal wasn't that fun that is um to

tell you the truth that's i consider that to be the official like the the primary in the echelon

of the prank calls and madhouse that are up that's number one always that's the first one on

the on the uh on the myspace page so the first thing that plays when you go to our myspace page

is grits that's always been known for me i've uh that that grits prank call is the one that i've

found is the most popular among even among people who don't like prank calls you know even they

still like it i've had that a lot so uh reclude make sure you're doing the right number when you

You asked me, that was just the first thing that, one, that popped up in my mind, so that's

why I called it out, because it was the first thing that popped up in my mind.

Yeah, that's, that, you know, hang on, Reckless saying that the phone line's not, so I'm ringing

through, I don't understand, I'm ringing through to it.

You're ringing?

I just, I just tested it now, Reckless starting to call in here.

What else can we play here?

Um, you know, there's a new Jack Masterson call that I don't think we ever played.

This is Jack Orders Pizza.

Play that Queen Mother call, man.

Queen Mother?

that's right uh reclude that's recludes great okay i got jack orders pizza ready here also

stool samples are good that's a trilogy you know if you want the whole stool sample like

saga you start with i got a big black gun by reclude that's the husband and then we call back

in the stool sample calls which are basically us calling back talking to the wife of the guy

that reclude had prank called the week before and it's and it's fucking hilarious man i don't

understand what's going on with the phone line uh sir can someone else test that tuck oh no you're

on dial up and brandon's on dial up milkman can you call the toll free line yeah i'll call just

call the toll free real quick the 888 number right yeah they're 888 yeah call that and tell

me what's going on here this is stuff that we need to test out that's why we're doing a show

tonight here but we're gonna you know it's not just gonna be us going tough tough you know oh

jesus thank you well there we know something's wrong well let me keep working on it then uh i

I will have to play Jack Orders Pizza.

Give me a moment here.

There we go.

Take off a little bit, please.

Off a little bit.

Hello?

Yeah.

Yes.

It sounds a little loud over there.

Is it busy?

No.

Well, it just sounds like there's a lot of noise in the background.

Could you maybe ask them to be quiet so I can make my order?

Nobody is being loud.

Sure, because it sounds a little loud.

I hear a radio in the background or something.

No, there's no radio.

No people talking?

Loud?

No.

Are you ready for my order?

Yes.

If it's busy, are you going to have the $5 pizza ready?

Yes.

But it's busy, right?

So how long is it going to take?

It's not busy.

Okay.

Well, I can wait like 15, 20 minutes if you need me.

No, it's not busy.

I'm on my cell phone.

I'm almost there right now.

Is that okay?

Okay.

Okay, but I need a specialty pizza, though.

Okay.

Do you have an extra large or do you just go with the large only?

Just large.

Do you have at least five of the pepperoni available?

What was that?

Do you have at least five of the pepperoni pizzas available?

Thank you.

May I ask who this is?

I'm asking if you have at least five of the pepperoni pizzas available.

May I ask who this is?

This is Jack, Jack Rastrusha.

I don't know if it's a word, but it sounds like it's busy, so I'm just making sure that you know.

No, it's just I heard there were a whole bunch of ridiculous types being asked,

But it's just, just wanted to know if there's five pepperonis up and ready for you.

Why do you have to treat me like I'm an animal?

What's that? I'm sorry?

Why do you have to treat me like I'm an animal?

Sir, do you need five pepperonis up and ready?

Oh, I'm asking if you have, because it's busy. She said it's busy.

It's not busy. There's nobody in our lobby. Did you need to know if they're ready or not?

The order actually heats up.

All right, could I get your phone number from you, please?

Do you really need my phone number, sir?

Yes, I do. I've got to put your phone number and your name in.

And John, if this is you, I'm going to be very frustrated.

Our line is 3602.

If you look, ID is right there.

Real quick interruption here, just an update.

On the phone line, Reclute is trying to call in on a different line.

Apparently, I'm able to get through on it, but no one else is able to.

Do I look at my G-Talk?

Let's see here.

Milkman, you may need to set it to take out of area calls.

That may only be set to your area code.

that may be

I don't understand why it changed all of a sudden

to do that but

I'm going to work on that also

when I tried to call in from my area code

and other certain area codes like

out of country

you're not able to call from your area code

but it should still

I don't understand what's going on

I just called on my cell phone and it didn't accept it either

so I'm just thinking the only thing different between the three of us

is your area code

well soon we will have

I have a representative who will call 8 on the line here.

And trust me, my friends, I will get down to the bottom of this situation.

When they meet him, I'll keep playing his prank call.

Give me that number again, please.

And we're all going to listen to it live, by the way.

360.

One moment.

Jesus.

Yeah, I know, it's terrible.

360.

Are you tracing me?

No, I'm not.

360.

I have 360.

Anything else for you?

Cool.

Yeah.

What can we do for you?

You know, I was a Vietnam veteran, sir.

I don't, you know, I got interrogated then.

What can we do for you today?

What other pizza other than the pepperonis would you like?

Well, what I was asking the woman was if you have extra large or you want a larger.

Hi, Robbie there.

This is Carlos, and I'm having trouble with my toll-free line,

and I was hoping that you would be willing and able to help me out, sir.

The toll-free line is 888-278-8509.

I'm sorry, 8509, sir.

you know my people are reporting that they're trying to call and they get a

very interesting message which says that it's it says the number is invalid and

I'm able to call it from my local area code but no one else from out here and I

literally just changed the ring to number because I have a new number here

in my studio so it's not ringing through and we were hoping to have some type of

resolution thank you there's one coming from columbus ohio and the other one from the virgin

islands how are you sir you doing good oh good good it's good that you that we're both doing

good thank you block calls oh yeah yeah we definitely do not accept calls from british

columbia never again a bunch of yeah it was a horrible thing that happened once here and one

night and we said british columbia no that's it and we blocked them i had my associate do that

It is now going to a brand new landline, which has been changed to a different phone number.

It's saying that the number isn't valid.

Yes, the 888, the toll-free number, yes.

Yes, it's definitely working fine, and I have tested it myself, yes.

Okay, well, good luck. Thank you.

All right, he's testing it, everybody. Here we go.

This is a very positive gentleman.

Let's see if it rings.

I hope this isn't boring, people.

Hey, what's going on?

Oh, man, what happened?

I've been using this number for years now.

Aboard.

Sure, yeah.

Well, that might be a little busy.

Well, let me give you a different number to reach me at.

All right, hang on just a moment here, please.

Let me get that for you.

Hang on, people.

Large pieces.

No, we just have large and small.

How many inches is it?

Large, large is 14 inches, it's got 10 slices.

Is it the same size?

Okay, alright, now someone is reminding me here that I'm supposed to ask you for a ticket number or something.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, I'm not gonna make you go through that, you know, I mean, I trust you.

What's your name?

Robbie, Robbie.

Alright, Robbie, let me tell you what, you know, thank you very much.

I will talk to you soon, and, uh, no, I'm an Eastern Standard Tongue.

but you can call me until 2 a.m eastern standard time all right all right well hey you know i'm

sorry to bother you you know i'm it's it's bad it's a bad thing um i'm sorry to bother you sir

i'm very sorry and uh thank you and i'm sorry to bother you i'm very sorry thank you and i'll talk

I'll talk to you soon, and I'm very sorry to bother you.

Thank you.

I hope he understands that I'm sorry to bother him.

I don't know if he did.

All right, good.

Let's listen to the rest of this prank call.

So there's the story now.

Now we can just sit here and be grumpy because now Reklu, he can still call.

I'm going to give Reklu the non-toll-free line, but no one else can call in.

Only VIPs tonight.

Huh?

I mean, Tuck isn't allowed to call in.

It is.

I say shut up and get ready for my order.

Hello?

Order, please.

Okay.

All right.

Five or your finest pepperoni.

First, I have to get your phone number and your name.

360.

Okay.

And your name?

Is your name Jack?

Jackson, yes.

And what can I get for you?

You need to have five pepperoni pizzas ready for me when I come in, in about five minutes.

Okay, there is, there is right now only four pepperoni pizzas.

The guy said there was five.

You promised me.

Yeah, there's going to be five in like two seconds, sir,

but if you don't get in before someone else,

we can't save a hot and ready pizza for you.

Well, I'm doing call-ahead seating.

Okay, just one second.

Can he call in and order a five pepperoni

so he makes sure there's no one who gets here?

No.

You can't call it in.

They're always ready.

We will make sure that there's five.

What does this say on the paper that I can't call it in?

It doesn't say first.

I'm sorry, but this line is invalid.

Oh, what a bunch of shit.

Did you hear them passing the buck?

Passing the buck, passing the buck.

Fucking bullshit.

What's up there?

Were you fucking,

were you got Mexicans working on the line?

Yeah, I got a team of the finest Mexicans

in California working on this stupid line.

Yeah, that's basically,

I think the finest Mexicans will be broads

that do nothing but suck dick.

Yeah, exactly.

Just sit around sucking dick.

All right.

Chickenhead ladies.

Yeah, so I'm just, you know,

just having fun here.

Here, just playing some calls and hoping to make some prank calls now.

You're on the line here.

Fuck yeah, dude, I got a little scene going on tonight.

Oh, what kind of scene?

Oh, this one fucking broad, it's her birthday.

She keeps on fucking texting me and shit.

Okay, is she coming over?

It's pretty hot broad.

Is she coming by?

No, she'll come by after the bar, but...

So, hey, I gotta go down there.

It's this band I got hooked up with last.

She's fucking all these tags along with them.

And I kind of blew her off a couple times because she's one of those girls that you blow off

and then they want your cock more, which makes no fucking sense.

That's just how women are.

They hop on you.

It's just, you've got, I mean, it's like, I spent a long time trying to, like,

I just stopped trying to figure it out and just went with it.

You know what I mean?

It's just one of those stupid-ass things.

Whatever.

Well, I hope it works out for you, Rick, later.

Yeah, I will.

Trust me.

All right.

I'm going to shoot you some shit here.

And you tell me what sounds good.

I got Jumpin' Catfish, Redneck Grill.

The Dead called Redneck Grill once.

The Dead.

Yeah, where's that fucker at?

I'm the call-in.

Yeah, he's online.

I'll send him another message, let him know that he's suspect.

Oh, yeah, let that fucker come on.

I saw his video.

That shit was disturbing.

He's got a lot more of them, too.

He's got some of these drinking.

I kind of go look at all his...

Yeah.

It felt kind of bad.

I was like, oh, jeez.

Yeah, well, hey, he's throwing himself out there.

Zolar got him to start doing them once.

What?

Zolar wanted him to try to get him on the Howard Stern show,

and he told him to record himself on YouTube.

YouTube, you know, so there's a bunch of stuff like him drinking, like, vodka straight out

of the bottle and stuff like that.

It's pretty funny stuff.

That is funny.

Yeah, I see them.

Yeah, them motherfuckers.

Yeah, they're not up anymore.

Oh, they're not up at all, damn it.

I go, well, never mind.

They've been pulled by YouTube, apparently, for copyright stuff.

What?

I don't know.

I guess the dead took them down, probably.

No, I think he...

I think the dead...

The dead took them down, apparently.

What?

Those are out there somewhere, still.

I know somebody's got to have those videos, still.

Yeah, there's one on fucking your site.

Yeah, yeah, that's the one that I, that's the last one he posted, that's one of his official ones.

I'm talking about, you know, all the ones are good.

Who was the big bopper?

Your music, who the hell was that?

Some guy that died in a plane crash, right?

Oh, this fucking guy who was like Chantilly Lace, that's what, he had that one-handed wonder.

You ever heard that song?

Oh, God, alright, I'm gonna do an impression, then it's probably gonna get fucking recorded.

Everything in this goddamn show gets, I mean, I understand, but I just gotta watch myself.

Yeah, you gotta watch yourself.

You know, when you said that, let's not mention it again,

but on that episode, I was thinking, like,

damn, he really said that on the air.

Maybe I should cut it out.

And that one fucker's like, yeah, I got it.

And that kid's like your biggest fan.

He's like, yeah, I listen to all your stuff.

Dude, that interesting note.

That chick's sister's been texting me off the fucking hook the last two nights.

Is she younger?

Than me.

Oh, okay, all right.

I mean, she's like, what, 20-something?

Oh, okay, cool.

I mean, she's of, you know, decent.

But yeah, I punked her out a couple times

And she's back, so

It's a little weird, I don't know

I didn't want to go into it

But anyways, okay, so the song is like

Oh baby, you know what I like

It's the worst songs I've ever heard

It's like Chantilly

It's fucking gay

Yeah, it sounds like it

Why, where'd you hear that at?

No, there's a place called the Big Bopper Drive-In

I thought it would be funner to call it

Oh yeah, dude, let's do it

Alright, this is in California

The Big Bopper Drive-In

This is going to be corny just to let you know.

You might fuck an audience because it's going to be corny as fuck.

All right, well, let's see what I mean for a ride.

We'll be right back, folks.

What?

You're taking me for a ride.

Tell him that he's taking me, that I said he's taking me for a ride.

Who's he, sir?

The manager man that's back there.

He's not here.

He's gone, actually.

He just clocked off and left.

Well, whoever the other guy is who thinks he's...

He's making you say these bad things to me.

Tell him that I said that he's taking me for a ride.

Are you prank calling us or something?

Excuse me, ma'am.

I was in Vietnam.

I would never, ever do it.

You know what they did

know what they did to me they put cuts in my belly and they didn't let it

No, he's saying that you need to shut your mouth.

I didn't say you need to shut your mouth.

Okay, sir, just calm down.

I didn't say she's lying.

I said you're taking me for a ride.

All right, all right.

You wanted five pepperonis?

Yeah, you promised me that they'd be there,

and then now she said there's only four too bad.

And then she said that I told you to shut up.

I didn't say that.

That's all right, sir.

It's all good.

Okay, you wanted five pepperonis, right?

Did you clock out already?

This isn't the manager, he's...

No, but if you clocked out, no, you don't have to...

It's okay, put her back on, because you clocked out.

It's okay.

Alright, one moment.

Alright.

I got him.

Hello?

When people clock out for the night,

you don't make him go back on the phone to work, okay?

Because that's illegal.

Because he's not being compensated for the...

The baby for you.

Until it's on a pretty face that'll go to hell.

I'll hang it down, hey!

How she gets that?

Keeps making a buzz, man.

Piece of shit.

I just gave it a good one to save your ears

And it's coming through good now

But I gotta watch when I hit the buttons

Oh yeah well you know what I'm saying

Well let's do it you know what I'm saying

Oh you're talking about

Yeah no we're good

No fuck that

We're gonna do some pranks here

Alright so what else we got there

Alright look here's what I'm gonna do

Is the duct tape holding

The duct tape you know

Tuxen is a duct tape holding

And actually does have duct tape

The line does have duct tape on it

Maybe that's what the problem is

oh shit yeah there we go there's a bunch of them you tell me what you want and i'll dial it this

is a better okay a redneck woman answered okay redneck grill yeah that's the one let's call

redneck grill i feel like being a hillbilly okay so as i said uh the dead's called this one let me

cue that up here uh they call it yeah he's called it before hello this is the redneck saloon yeah

Okay. All right. Here is the dad.

I'm going to call as the dad now. I'm not going to.

Okay, good.

Yeah, I will, actually.

That's funny.

A liquor saloon or a hair salon.

Rednecks.

Hi, baby. I was over there like half an hour ago, and people were hitting on me,

and I told them I was, you know, I'm a shemale, and they were very rude to me,

me and I'm gonna file a complaint. I'm with my lawyer right now. Where did you go, honey?

You didn't come here. Yeah, I came over there. Hello. Hello. Tom, can you talk to her for

a minute? Hang on a second. Hang on, please. All right, you there, sir? I'm sorry. Okay,

Okay, what's going on?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

What seems to be the problem?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, yeah, what's wrong with that one?

It's that line that's doing it.

Okay, I see.

You know what I think it is?

You know, that's a new line,

so I think that new line is not routing 100% yet.

It was literally installed today.

I think it just is not routing outside of the 407 area code just yet for inbound.

It'll probably take a few days,

so just go ahead and close out the ticket,

it and if uh by uh by the middle next week it's not working i'll call back and and i'll call i'll

call them oh yeah yeah just leave it these well leave it like it is and i'll take care of it don't

worry all right thank you sir bye and i'm sorry to bother you i'm very sorry to have bothered you

um thank you and i'm sorry i bothered you okay i'm sorry you see i told you i told you it wasn't

his fault the whole time wasn't their fault here that it had me in my bed i'm sorry i was uh i

I was calling that, uh, I got a call from the toll-free line people.

I put it on the air, and I meant for you to hear it, but you didn't hear it.

Anyway, I'm dialing that redneck saloon now.

My bad, okay?

Just don't go anywhere.

Sorry about that.

I had to take a call.

I had to find out what was going on.

Oh, that's fine.

Is it about an hour?

What's up?

It's going to be a few days, probably, so.

Oh, fuck.

No, whatever.

It'll be up by Thursday.

Hang on.

Don't go anywhere, man.

Sorry about that.

Sorry to put you on hold for so long.

Oh, don't worry about it.

All right, then.

Yes, it is.

I got my, uh, my ex-boyfriend out of the cage, and he went down there, and now you guys screwed him all up.

Well, first of all, that's not true.

I'm his shemail.

Your friend was not here.

He's not there?

Your friend was never here.

He was.

I walked over there.

They were making fun of me because I was his shemail, and they were very rude to me, and, uh...

Oh, here we go.

Fine, hurry in.

Ah, wonderful.

What, uh, what kind of things you got for takeout tonight?

Uh, hold on.

I'm trying to tell you.

I'm noticing here.

Hello?

Sorry, but I want to order some food, but I just wasn't sure what.

I've never been down there.

I want to see what y'all got.

I got my brother.

He's got a little bit of cerebral palsy.

He likes to do things himself, so he wants to put in an order.

Okay, hold on a second.

Let me get him.

Hello?

Hello, this is Peter.

I have watches.

You got watches?

Yes.

I'm in Special Olympics videos.

videos. Come down and see me. I ride my wheelchair. Week 8, I buy you a cowgirl outfit.

What do you think about that?

All right. I'll give you a ride you'll never forget.

I bet you would.

All right, so can I buy you a drink down there? Do you have handicap access?

There's enough guys here to...

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Okay, so what do you say? Busy on Sunday night?

Well, I got tickets to rodeo two weeks. You know, I can't steal the deal anyway.

Oh, you know, it's just fun, you know, like Make-A-Wish Foundation.

You know, you make a wish come true.

I'm 22, but I never had a wish come true.

You haven't?

No.

Well, that's kind of sad.

That's all right, I understand.

Just tell him for charity.

For charity's sake.

Maybe so.

We'll have to talk to him about it.

Okay, we'll talk together.

Okay.

Okay, I'll be down there.

Do people get angry?

Uh-huh.

If I come down there and spin my wheelchair?

No, that won't get mad.

We have a good time. What music do you play down there?

That's right. A little bit of everything.

I am black. Is that a problem?

Black? That's not a problem.

Okay, I'm Jewish, too.

This is Peter.

What, a joke?

Why are you laughing at me?

I don't worry. I'm gay.

Okay, what's your name again, Kelly?

I give you a ride you'll never forget.

For me, maybe.

Once you go Jew black, you'll never go back.

Tell her, make it off.

He's telling you.

That could get something.

He's going to be pissed.

I just told him that we did that, and he's like, he's like, I'm telling that.

Yeah, he's drinking and doing painkill.

Exactly.

I'm telling that.

Poor guy.

It wasn't a bad prank.

It was good.

It was good stuff.

Especially could have taken it further.

Dude, that bitch was like, man, she was like, I don't know, man, I was smooth talking at

home.

Yeah, she's like, I'm engaged, but she was actually thinking about it for a little while.

It was like a guy with, it was a black Jew with cerebral palsy.

Yeah.

Maybe she wanted something.

She wants to go for something like that.

She wants the easy lay.

She's like, no, I'm not.

She wasn't attractive.

She's probably got, like, really big thighs.

And, like, a wart.

Big.

A wart on her hand.

Thighs.

Thighs, all right.

She probably does, hey, that black jukebox, get right through that.

That's right.

Clout right through it.

Like Sammy Davis Jr.

All right.

Let's see what else we got.

Let me go through the...

Black jukebox.

Let me see.

Samurai Comics just came in here also.

Samurai Comics?

Where's that at?

Are they open?

I just updated you with them right there.

Samurai Comics is open

They're in Phoenix

Yeah, that might be open till like 9

Yeah, well on Saturdays

The dorks, they usually get together

And play some card games or something like that

Oh, fuck yeah, let's do it

Like magic and stuff

Yeah, they're probably doing something

I guarantee you anything

Bless you

Alright, hang on

Here comes that

Let me get a song here

It's that big turn they might sing

Yeah, bitch

Hello

You get to do it

Because that one obviously

Rocking horse dance

My phone is interrupting

Really?

Like, what is it, Hillbilly Night?

You know where it's at?

At Chuck's?

Nestle.

We can turn that into something.

Let's try that, yes.

First go.

Who is this at Toll House?

Yes, sir.

What's going on, buddy?

What's your name?

Norvito.

Norvito?

Yes, sir.

Hey, you.

What's that?

Who am I talking to?

Oh, this is Ralphie.

Listen, I got a special request, all right?

So, I'm going down to the Toll House Cafe.

What time are you open until?

When, sir?

Tonight.

Tonight?

Ready.

You're close already.

Okay, listen.

What about tomorrow afternoon when you guys open?

No, tomorrow we're going to be closed for Easter.

You've got to be kidding me.

Okay, what?

All right, listen.

What about, all right, Tuesday night?

Tuesday night?

Yeah.

Are you sure you know what you are talking to?

Yeah, Toll House, right?

No, Toll House, eat cake.

Cake.

Yeah, you guys got tables in there?

We are here at the mall, Prisco Mall, and we open at 10, 9 o'clock.

Yeah.

You guys got a chair where you can eat the cookies?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, here's what I need you.

Right in front of the store?

Okay, listen to me.

Here's what we need.

I'll pay you $20.

What it is, I got a girl coming down.

She's coming down from Oklahoma City.

Oh, from Oklahoma.

Yes.

See, because I can't get too many girls around here because I play the magic cards and I'm on the computer a lot.

But I met this girl.

She's kind of big, but she likes Toe House cookies, right?

So I was thinking, man, I'll pay you $20, and you wear, like, a suit, and you come over here and serve us your cookies, you know what I'm saying?

You say, and you act like I come there all the time, and you say, hey, Mr. Ralphie, you got a cookie here.

You know what I'm saying? You put it on a silver, like, plate.

No, I'm sorry, sir, but I cannot do that.

But I bring the plate, you know what I'm saying? You say, hey, it's Ralphie, you know what I'm saying?

Oh, Mr. Mr. Alfie Randall. It's my name. So you say hey, they're Randall like we

Glad to begin and you know what I mean? And then you serve me the cookie and don't can we have candlelight?

We'll come here

Come on man

You can find somebody else.

This is Ralphie, man.

This is Ralphie.

Come on, guys.

Come on.

Crack it.

Guys.

I'm going to make a phone call Monday morning.

Crack it, dudes.

What do you got?

That's a joke right there.

What?

That's a joke.

I don't know what's going on.

I hear a bunch of hooping and hollering.

But anyways, I just want to cook.

You know what I'm saying?

I just kind of.

I pay $30.

You know what I'm saying?

Money is no.

If you like, you can make another phone call Monday morning.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe you can find some other employee to do that.

Oh, yeah, but I'm telling you, man, I need you, man.

You sound like good...

I pay you good money, you know what I'm saying?

I know you probably...

Are you a manager over there?

No, not yet, sir.

Okay, well, I'll tell you what.

After you do this, I'll make a call to your superiors

and make sure you got a nice little upgrade.

He will be here Monday morning, sir.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm just trying to do the American dream, you know what I mean?

trying to get a girl, you know what I mean, an impressioner.

So I just want, you know, I just want you guys to say, hey, Mr. Randall,

you know, it's appreciative to have you here, and we see you all the time.

And this is a beautiful woman you're with.

Where did you find her at?

And I'm going to say, well, you know what I'm saying, it's like he's the first.

You know, I have beautiful women come here all the time and eat cookies with me, man.

So, you know what I mean?

I mean, that's pretty sure you know what I mean. I mean, that's what I'm trying to say that I'm what I'm a playboy

See what I'm saying? Oh, man

Appreciate I'm gonna come down and you don't say give you a nice tip and stuff because you you really

Understand where I'm coming from man

Okay, man. I appreciate it man. Okay. Have a good night sir. Oh you too man. Vamos. I'm sorry

We're gonna go that's close

it's already closed, but if you want to make another phone call on Monday morning, you

can find some other employee or even the manager.

Oh, yeah, man.

That's crazy, man.

I appreciate it.

Okay, thank you, sir.

Have a good night.

Hey, vamos.

I got to go, I got to go.

They're closing the store already.

Okay, man, all right.

This is good.

That's an awesome character, man.

I don't even know what the fuck I was doing.

Interesting idea.

I had no idea what he was talking about.

I'll be rid of him.

It sounded like Tommy Chong.

Who did I think it sounded like?

Oh, you know what?

It sounded like the guy from Half Baked and the guy that did Goat Boy on Saturday Night Live.

Jimmy Fallon.

Jim Brewer.

Jim Brewer, yeah.

It sounded like a return to Jim Brewer.

I was trying to do like, it was a combination.

I know what he's talking about.

There was a Cheech and Chong album called Get Out of My Room.

where they had this like

video where there was

this guy that spit

in the mic

it was like Cheech

was playing it

but it was like

I started doing like

the Bob Hope voice too

you know

he goes

you know what I'm saying

he like went down

in his like deep

like a moment of

clarity

I like

really man

I was really low

like

oh shit

dude

the guy was like

into it

I don't know where

I come up with

this stupid ass shit

fucking retarded

alright one more

let's give it

one more

one more good shit

and then

I'm gonna go see

about them fucking

puss

and broads

alright

well you got the

same numbers I got

what do you

let me see what we

got up here

I was trying to

find one on

Craigslist

I couldn't find

anything

I need to start

putting up some

Craigslist ads

oh dude

you need to start

putting up some

like for like

tranny

just for like

any busket

call them up

and say

what I would do

get them online

be like you know

why you talking

about this

you're a sick

motherfucker

you should be in

yeah I don't know

it's just a weird

you know like the

classic prank

Prank, uh, pranks from the Jerky Boys where they put, they just put shit for sale and people

Yeah, they let people call in.

Yeah, yeah, like the lawnmowers, you know, and stuff like that.

Yeah, that, that shit's pretty funny.

Nestle Tollhouse Cafe.

Alright, Chuckie's, that sounds retarded.

Let me see here.

I mean, it probably would be good, but.

It's a big catfish.

I wonder if they're black there.

Probably not.

That'd be funny.

Shit.

I'm sure if it was catfish, it was probably black people.

I'm sure it'd be catfish.

I don't.

Let me, let me see here.

Let me go through the little list here.

Okay, we got.

Cousin Vinny's Cafe.

Vinny's Cafe.

Cousin Vinny's.

Chuck E's, Nestle Towels.

Rockin' Horse Dance Barn.

I want to use the same character.

I like that.

Yeah, it's a good one.

I want to go everywhere like that.

I want to say, like, I got a date.

Like, I don't know why.

It just seems like, you know, a guy like that does.

A guy like that does.

It says that most restaurants, Chinese restaurants in New Orleans, are owned by black people.

Interesting.

Really?

Yeah.

I'll have to look into that.

All right.

So here we go.

So, dude, where's my video?

That's what we're doing here.

All right.

Well, it's you, man.

Hey, how's it going, man?

What time are you guys opening tonight?

What's your way from here?

I want to see if you can help me out with it.

Right now, like, what video I want.

I got this.

That's what it's going to have, right?

In Seattle?

Okay, what kind of real films do you have?

Like, maybe Casablanca?

Like that?

Maybe something newer?

I think he forgot about it.

I just, you know, I just try to, you know, make an honest living.

Have a girlfriend.

You know, I work hard.

I mean, I think this guy's pulling your wool on.

Bastard, that could have done so much better.

Yeah, he knew them.

He was like, see, you get a day like that where people, you get a people that's, you know what I'm saying, they're a little more hip shit.

You know what I mean?

Like, you call a hillbilly place, they won't fucking.

You know what I mean?

You call a hillbilly just real ghetto place.

This guy's learned it.

He's a video guy.

He probably watches documentaries and shit like that.

Yeah.

Those movie dorks guys, you know.

All right, let's do one more and then I got to hit the road here if that's cool with you.

Oh, you want to do that Nestle Tollhouse Cafe?

Or did we do that one already?

No, that's the one where I did that one.

We did that one.

Yeah, we did that one.

What was the other one we were talking about here?

Jumping Catfish, I think, right?

Jumping Catfish.

Rockin' Horse Dance Barn.

Okay.

Let's try that.

Okay.

I like that name, too.

It's a good name.

Yeah, it's absolutely.

He'll be only a retarded phrase.

Richie Randall.

There we go.

New character.

Richie Randall.

All right.

Hang on, everybody.

More Richie Randall.

Sorry, right, Luke?

Sorry.

I could try one more time.

Yeah, so...

Try the Monkey Bar instead, because I think it might be that number.

Where?

The number, the number.

The Monkey Bar.

Oh, that's the new one I got here.

The Monkey Bar in Seattle.

A girl named Sarah answered there.

Okay.

All right, or we could try...

Actually, Chucky's I tried, too, and it wasn't working, which is weird.

All right, I'll call him the Monkey Bar instead.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's see if this works.

And then we get away from the Two Life Crew I was just playing.

People get confused.

Which song?

Come On, Babe.

Come On, Babe?

Yeah

That's off that

The one that got banned

No I know

Shit I know

I'd listen to that album

More times than you would imagine

Oh yeah

That was an awesome album

When it came out

Like in 89

Oh fuck yeah

I still listen

I bought it off iTunes

The other day

I was like

You know what

All they were after

Was like fucking women

And they had like

Like all porno stuff

In the background

I'll tell you what though

That shit

Despite all the hype

That funniest fucking thing

I can listen to it

And fucking laugh

Like Almighty

And all that shit

Almighty

I play that all the time

Cause

your name

Motherfucker

Sarah how can I help you

How you doing Sarah

I'm doing okay

Here's what the idea is

Okay

I'm like 23

And I don't get many girls

But this girl named Francine

Is about to come down

And we want to know

Like can we

You guys got a table with candlelight?

You guys got a DJ down there?

What was that?

You guys got a DJ down there, or how do you work it?

We have live music tonight.

Okay, well, here's the deal, right?

I've got $100 plus money for drinks.

So I was wondering if I could pay you people, you know what I'm saying,

to make believe that I'm like a star down there.

Because you told this girl that I come there all the time,

and people treat me like really important.

I don't think we do anything like that.

But, you know, I got money.

He would just pull me up on stage and be like, here's the man of the hour, Richie Randall.

You probably want to come here later when the bands are here and say they'd...

Richie Randall.

But, you know what I'm saying, can you say something like, do you bartend?

Yeah.

Okay, well, you know what I'm saying?

Say, I'll pay you on the side.

Hey, here's a drink on the house.

I'm just not going to, like, I don't feel comfortable doing anything like that.

Oh, come on.

No, I'm just trying to help a guy out.

I just don't feel comfortable doing that.

You know what I mean?

I'll pay you on the side and say, hey, here you go.

This is on the house.

You might want to try it.

I'm just sorry.

I don't feel comfortable doing that.

Do you mind if I talk to another bartender?

This is really important to me.

I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable, but it's really important to me.

You know what I'm saying?

I don't get many girls, and I'm just trying to, you know what I'm saying, make the romance happen.

I mean, I'm a nice guy.

Hold on just one moment.

You know what I mean?

George, do you like taking this call at all?

What, what?

He's unavailable. I'm the only one on shift right now.

Oh, come on, Sarah.

You know what I mean?

I mean, money's no odds to you,

as long as it's less than $150.

You know what I mean?

I mean, you could just say, hey, he's a nice guy.

Just put in, like, I'll go to the bank for me.

Well, I mean, that's fine.

I'm not going to take any kind of money.

I'm not going to do anything like that.

Okay, well, you know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying?

Put a good word in for me.

I just say, he's a special guy.

And you know what I'm saying?

I'll give you my, I mean, I'm not saying pay you,

but I'll buy it.

Hold on just one moment.

Okay.

I'm going to call on to Anita.

Here you go.

Hi, this is Anita.

Hello?

Hi, this is Anita.

Oh, how are you doing there?

Are you a bartender?

I own the place.

What do you want?

Oh, wonderful.

Okay, well, here's the deal, right?

Yeah.

I got this girlfriend, Francine, right, and I'm trying to impress her.

Uh-huh.

So what I was going to do is I was going to get a drink on the side, like pay for a drink.

I'm 23, so there's no problem with IDs or anything.

The half way, so I'll buy a drink on the side.

She's not going to know about it.

And, like, the bartender comes over and says, hey, you know, here's a drink for Richie Randall.

He's a great guy.

It's on the house.

You know, I mean, I'm...

From him.

From you.

Yeah, but, I mean, you don't tell her it's from me.

You say it's on the house.

Oh, okay.

I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

They're on the same level.

The other thing was, I was going to pay the...

They can have, like, a show dance song.

They can play, like, Keeper of the Stars.

Oh, yeah.

We can't mandate anything that the band says.

Oh, you don't have to mandate.

You just put in good words.

You know what I mean?

So, are you guys coming in tonight or what?

Yeah, tonight, you know, I got her a corsage.

You know, it's kind of like prom night, except I never went to prom.

Okay.

And, you know what I'm saying, like, you remember that officer and the gentleman?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They had this, oh, lift us up, where we belong.

You know what I'm saying?

They got lights.

You got, like, this.

Well, you know, this is a hip-hop band, honey.

Oh.

So, you know.

Oh, man, maybe they could play something.

Well, you know, all I can do is maybe we can ask them if they could just dedicate a song.

Oh, yeah.

This is for you.

Do they have, like, low lighting, so, like, it's romantic?

Well, you know, there's not a whole lot that's romantic about a hip-hop band, you know?

Yeah, but, you know, everybody's got a thought, guys.

Okay, well, she likes hip-hop.

Okay, so is she coming in tonight?

Yeah, we're coming in about, yeah.

Okay, now, do you both have valid ID?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. She's about, like, 35.

And what's your name?

I'm about, I'm 23. My name is Richie Randall.

Richie?

Yeah.

Richie Randall.

Yeah. Kind of a, I mean, I got braces, glasses. You'll see me. I got brown hair. You'll know who it is.

Okay, so you got brown, you got braces, and you're wasted.

Uh, no. What do you mean I'm wasted?

Well, you sound like you are.

That's just the way I talk. I'm sorry. Some people, I just, I'm a little crazy.

Okay, honey, okay, so you've got brown hair and you've got braces.

I'm going to be wearing a bow tie, so you'll know it's me.

And you're going to be wearing a bow tie, okay?

Yeah.

And then her name is?

Her name is Francine.

Francine.

Yeah.

Okay.

Kind of like a name, you know, she has blonde hair, she's a little big, but it's okay, you know, I mean, I don't look at that.

Well, you're looking, you're talking to the queen of big, so it's Francine.

Oh, yeah, well, you know what I'm saying, you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, okay.

So, yeah, that's cool.

So you want to have the house, quote-unquote, have the house, buy her a beer,

and then you're going to put this on your card, right?

Yeah.

I won't pay cash, actually.

Buy her a drink.

Well, both of us.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, both of us should drink.

And then you'll say, hey, you know what I'm saying?

He's a great guy, swell guy, and this one's on the house.

So you'll be doing something too crazy.

I'm not trying to do anything crazy, but, you know, I just think, you know,

I need a little help every now and then.

Man, I don't get many dates today.

Come behind the bar.

I'm going to tell them what's going on and that you're going to go ahead and, you know,

we have a self-service bar, so it's not as though we have a...

What does that mean?

Well, it means that you have to come up to the bar to order.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Yeah, we'll just go up there to order.

Yeah, of course.

And so what you should do is just take a piece of paper and say, I'm Richie Randall.

I want to, you know, buy the drink, you know, just say that, put it in a piece of paper

and fold it up and give it to the bartender when you place an order and then I'll let

two bartenders know what's going down and then they can bring another drink to Francine

then and say this is for you because you're special.

Oh.

Okay?

Oh, do you know what I mean?

I'm not trying to do any harm.

But, you know what I mean?

I mean, that's great.

So, write a note.

Okay.

It says, you know, I want to buy and name the kind of drink that you want the bartender to fix for Francine.

And then just slide it along with your money so that they know what to do.

Oh, that's great.

You know what I'm saying?

And then one of them will bring the drink out to her, which is kind of special since we're just a service bar.

Oh, wow.

And put it at the table.

Okay?

Oh, that's great.

I appreciate it.

What's your name again?

My name's Anita, and we're looking forward to seeing you later.

Oh, thank you so much.

I appreciate it.

Okay, honey.

I hope you have a good night.

Bye-bye.

Because you're special.

Dude, that was great, dude.

Like, you know what's great about that?

Is that that woman, like, understood that somebody needs to get laid.

To place a call.

Swap.

Yeah, she was really, she was like, okay, all right, no problem.

You know what I mean?

I mean, that was like, you know, the woman was like, hey, you know, this guy wants to

get laid, and he's not an asshole.

Bad bro just wants a banger.

I mean in that group that's I love America when your whole story like oh, it's you again

You know make it like he's so kind of some kind of like local regular celebrity

You know funny would be like for that hip-hop band

Bump and grind it's some dorky looking white guy with glasses

Masses and all this shit.

And a bow tie.

Thank you, there.

This was up with Richie.

What's his name?

Area.

I can find a bow tie at this hour.

He had a short notice to find a bow tie.

Good.

It was about, like, faith.

Hope for faith.

All right, man.

Thanks for calling, Rick.

That was good, man.

I have to get a show.

I like that one, the Toll House one, but I don't know.

Hey, what's this one that that one kid was talking about where you were talking about

building a bridge with love to London?

I gotta find that.

I don't remember that.

I remember part of it.

It was like, it was like, I called up some British guy.

We were taking jabs at each other's country.

And it was pretty funny.

And I said, I was like trying to, we're building a tunnel or some shit to America, build a bridge.

It was so fucking stupid.

I don't even remember.

But, yeah, I guess, yeah, some of these pranks are pretty, I didn't even think about some of them.

They're pretty funny.

Yeah, it's funny to go back and listen to them after a while.

And you're like, hey, wait a minute, that was pretty good, you know.

Yeah.

All right, Rack, thanks for calling, bro.

All right, thank you all.

Take care.

Peace out.

Bye.

Cool. I was reclute on the line.

Having fun. That was funny.

That character.

Richie Randall. Love it.

Alright everybody, we're back. Who's here still?

Milkman? Tuck? You guys here?

I'd give out the toll-free line,

but it's just not

working. Let's see if Will

might want to call in here. I haven't talked to Will

in a while. I forgot the new phone number already.

That sucks. There's no toll-free line. Hopefully

that's fixed by Thursday. You know, this show is not

the same if we can't have people call in.

I'll do my best tonight, but come Thursday

day that i had that toll-free line working you know everybody loves the toll-free line it's

something we do here that no one else does if anybody else starts using a toll-free line you

can consider them that they're copying the superior product madhouse radio carlito and the

mount the phone won't hang up well you know everybody rips me off everybody copies me and

then they don't give me credit kidding we ah look at that you know what look man you know what we

missed here we missed an opportunity uh reclude was on the line we had a bruno we have a number

for bruno vegas santiago in puerto rico that would have been good crap that would have been so

awesome to call bruno vegas santiago let me give bruno vegas santiago a call once going twice no

sale everybody that was not a successful prank call and whatever you live and you know what i

saw today uh this afternoon i had the privilege um or the disprivilege i guess of watching that

movie no country for old men i finally got around to watching it um i didn't understand it it was a

a good movie it was you know had some cool action and really cool filming but the uh the ending

didn't make any sense the whole thing itself kind of didn't make any sense to me no country for old

men it's a fun movie to watch but i i don't i i it was a fun movie to watch but i didn't consider

it like the uh how do you say the classic that was made out to be by you know by the critics i

didn't see that part of it and the ending absolutely made no sense to me really the

tom tom yeah well when you do it's a good it's worthwhile it's not a bad movie but it's

just like it's not the the whole thing that everyone made it out to be but i recommend

that i'd watch it so it was kind of cool it wasn't what you thought it was gonna be yeah

because everyone hyped it up to be like this really good movie and it just wasn't i don't know

you know this is not a country for old men as well delta seems and what what does that where

did that come from what does that mean no country for old men i don't i didn't get it anyway hollywood

says get death sentence anyway i have atonement over there the fina wanted me to get atonement

I just got my Netflix account reopened.

I used to have one about two years ago.

I got it closed because I was receiving them and not watching them.

And I got bored with it, so I stopped.

And I decided to get a new net, you know, reopen my Netflix account.

And I set up a new queue.

And for the queue, I basically went to the last two years of Academy Award nominees.

And I picked the ones that I hadn't seen yet.

And sure enough, that one, I guess Juno isn't out on video yet.

On DVD, rather.

when it does i'll be watching that because i've heard it's you know it's nominated a lot and i

got this other movie called uh children of men which i've been wanting to watch for a while

children of men it's about apparently where the world um no babies can be born like the entire

human race is infertile and it's slowly dying out and there's like one kid who's still you know

one woman who's pregnant and this is a big thing about it i don't know it looks really cool it's

it like in the in a dystopian future like 20 years in the future it's really cool i'm gonna check

that out probably gonna watch gonna watch you're gonna watch that when i sign out of here tonight

which uh we will see when that is exactly anyway um i wish i really wish people could call in right

now you know i wish ted was around that'd be kind of fun to do you know do some conferences

stuff like that um playing hockey or a therapist or he's got his uh wife his wife or is getting

getting another vasectomy or something or maybe he's writing his thesis paper or something no no

something something yeah who knows anyway so we couldn't do bruno vega but you know he could be

or he could just be in vitrilo wowing wowing it up it was wizard treading in water and that

reminds me um i might i might take the wow plunge this weekend tomorrow i might actually go and buy

wow and subscribe i might actually do it ladies and gentlemen see what the fuck it's all about

yeah just to kind of i'm gonna try to promote madhouse in there that'd be something yeah i'm

playing wow so i can promote my radio show yeah i'm gonna get a bunch of kids listening like i

don't already have that already um hollywood says do we still have the ventrilo ventrilo pranks

yeah i could play some ventrilo pranks i could i could um i think i do i think ted had sent me

some what about madhouse pranks what else did we mention that we wanted to listen to stool sample

we want to hear that or anything at all anything old gentlemen anything milkman is milkman around

he's not even talking about this stool sample trilogy if you want to i could all right i'm

gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna start off with a stool sample trilogy i'm gonna take a break you can run

that and get you to take a pee or a brewski or something yeah let me go let me go get a drink

um not an alcoholic drink i don't i don't i'm not a much of a drinker anymore i had that you

for a while but i'm gonna use the restroom and make a sandwich i think so i'm gonna take a break

here real quick you were you were sipping a straw out of the barrel a couple weeks ago yeah that

beer barrel i didn't like it it was i didn't like it didn't give me a good feeling just a couple

weeks ago yeah it was a couple weeks ago but ever since all right i haven't really drunk after that

at all i don't don't really feel up to it you know all right anyway let me get that secure let

me recharge myself and see if we can find out where milkman is because he's not even talking

talking and uh we got a lot of numbers left here rumblefish caesar's resort is in the house

busty girls busty girls in denver colorado you see things are looking up here all right everybody

let's take a break we'll be right back in about five minutes and we'll yeah excuse me we'll do

some more prank calls just a moment everybody a moment it's almost easter radio will be back

right after this about 10 minutes ago guy tried to break in my truck be sure to visit us online

MadhouseLive.com

Madhouse Radio will be back

right after this.

Goddamn, Notorious B.I.G. was like a really

black man. Like, as far as

blackness is, it was like

like Africa Black.

It was like

Darkest Africa Black.

You guys should

look into that.

Uh, excuse me.

Madhouse Radio's back.

It's Carlito,

Milkman,

I think,

and Tuck.

Carlito,

Milkman,

and Tuck.

Tuck, are you here at least?

Can you communicate

at least, man?

That's not a good sign.

I hear you now.

Where have you been

for the last?

You've been off of me

for the last half hour.

and we've been calling you and calling you we even took a break and i called you at your at

your cell phone and sweet kisses called your room where were you i was partying man yeah i was

partying in the madhouse with my boys here at the mouth whatever hold on somebody wants to say hello

hello say hello to everybody out there say hello to everybody out there they can hear you

but you can't hear them say hello james on the madhouse you're live on 98.6 the mouth

yeah man hey we got a bunch of people in there tonight lonesome loser me

nunu farnito matt who's in there ellie sweet kisses ms23 clay we got a bunch of people in

there yeah there you go all right yeah baby all right man i'm gonna let you i'm gonna let

to let the uh close the mic up here okay i'm back man who is that was that james

that's cool that's awesome man we haven't that's one of the old-time listeners we haven't heard

from in a while so that's good thanks man yeah he was actually around back back when the big

Big Original Calamity went down with the asshat, all that stuff.

The asshat minute.

That's right.

Yeah, he was involved in it.

He was one of the listeners that was involved in it at that point in time.

Yeah.

How about we delve back into the past of Madhouse and listen to a segment from a very old show?

Let's try that.

Yeah, okay.

All right, let's do that, man.

Let's take a small time warp here so some of our friends out there can re-experience some good laughs

and introduce some of our newer friends to some of the exploits and antics of past going on here in the madhouse.

Roll them up, Big Daddy.

All right, let's see if I can find something here from way back in the day.

Someone was asking the other day for something from the...

Here's one.

You remember what I consider to be the worst show ever in the history of this show?

Oh, yeah, I remember.

Yeah, those kids were there that night.

Those rapping people, you remember that shit?

Yeah, it was like episode five, and you guys were really drunk that night.

It was episode three, as a matter of fact.

Okay, it was three or five, I couldn't remember.

Okay, I got it, no problem.

I'm going to get on it right away.

That's the next song I'm going to do right now.

Kirk, it's Georgia.

You're on the Madhouse.

What's up, man?

How you doing there?

Who is this?

What's going on?

This is Justin.

Justin?

What's up, Justin?

I'm out of here, no period, but whatever.

I'm out of here.

Oh, well.

I see it, I see it.

Who's this?

Hello?

Yeah, who is this?

You got to be ready.

Come on.

Who is this?

This is Joop.

Oh, Joop.

What's up, Joop?

That's Joop?

Oh, my God.

He sounds like he's five.

Nothing.

How you doing there, Joop?

I'm doing good.

How are you, Carlito?

I'm good.

Do you like the color green, Joop?

What?

I like that.

Is that your favorite color?

I'm partial to blue.

To blue?

I think green.

You have a lot of green in your avatar in the forums.

That's why I'm asking.

I don't know.

No?

Okay.

Yeah, that was a boring show.

That's Milkman's favorite show

He walked out of that show as a matter of fact

Remember that Milkman you walked out of the show

That was funny

I didn't walk out I was just thoroughly disgusted

I had to back up

The quality just wasn't there

But hey you know

You know how things go

We got those nights we got those off nights

But hey man we rebounded

And we became the new improved 98.6

The mouth eventually

Let's listen to the first episode ever

Okay I'm going to say I'm

Everybody this is Carlito

for bearing with me.

This is mostly like a sound check

to do at least an hour,

well, more like an hour and a half

of radio today,

tonight rather.

And I thank you all for joining in.

I have no idea how many people are listening.

I hear from KDK that I had about

61 customers here

right when I kicked in

with the show intro.

So if I can get the radio toolbox here

working out properly,

at least I know how many people

are out there listening.

But I see a few of you in chat

and I thank you for joining.

If you are listening

and you're not in chat,

I highly advise you join.

and you're going to be missing out on a lot.

And our chat room is hosted at PCURadio.com,

which is the official website for PCU Radio, of course.

Yeah, nothing's changed, huh?

Same old show, same old show.

Let's take another, let's try October 13th.

No, we played that recently here.

That was a wave, dude.

Here's part three of the episode from September 29th of 2005.

Let's try that, see what that sounds like.

I remember that.

The Johnny Cash rejoin jingle.

I played that for like a whole year.

How many of you know what song this is?

Neptune.

Beats all Neptune.

It's interesting.

It sounds like old...

It's some baby phase.

It's like a boy band.

Uh, Milkman, you there?

There's Milkman, a young

Milkman talking. Ice cream cart

mafia. Yeah. I beat my, I

I beat my head into the wall after

every show. I'm very critical of myself.

The dead, he's lying, he's lying.

I'm lying. Okay. La costra

nostra. Yeah, exactly. Alright, well

thank you very much for calling in. Yeah,

sure. Alright. The dead.

Later, man. Take care, D-Day.

The dead calling in.

In September 2005.

I know there's a lot of prank calls that were really good back then.

I had to find them and start editing all of them, you know, one by one.

Yeah, man.

A treasure trove of goodies you just unloaded.

You know why?

And I could hear my voice.

It was worse because, you know, that's when I was really sick.

Yeah.

And that's the part of what was going on with my voice.

Because remember, like, man, I was like, well, most people don't know,

but I had a really terrible respiratory illness for a period of, like,

over a year and a year and a half.

The old timers remember.

I was like, God, that's why my voice sounds like this, because I can barely breathe.

That's why the old milkman used to sound like this

Because I was sick all the time

But now I'm the improved milkman

Hey mama

You're in pretty bad shape Brian

Let's listen to this piece from September 8th 2005

The toll free is

888-278-8509

I used to give it out so slow back in the day.

8-8-8-2-7-8.

Calls from Canada.

Sean Ward calls the show.

And who else is it?

Who's the Canadian kid?

Randy Dandy?

He's Canadian, right?

No.

One of those guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, in Nassau, I bought a...

I'm trying to find a prank, a very old prank here, and I can't find one.

Not to get yelled at.

Come through yourself, man.

You never...

All right, enough of that.

We can work on pranks now.

I don't know.

Someone requested a prank.

The one, Hollywood's asking for her to play the prank with a kid that was looking at porn on his laptop.

What is that?

Porn on his laptop.

Also, please play the Queen Mother prank tonight.

Okay?

Will you please play that one?

All right.

Queen Mother.

Let me get that one ready here.

Queen Mother.

The Queen Mother's dead.

All right.

That one's ready.

And then we want to play.

That goes out to Nunu, and I love that one.

Oh, the one with the Chris Hansen one.

That's my all-time favorite one.

Children Who Break Up Marriages.

That's the one that Hollywood's talking about.

Right.

I've got two favorite ones, man.

I've got two favorite ones.

Pasquale and the number one call of 2007, Charlie Patton.

Oh, Charlie Patton and Pasquale.

Okay, we can do that.

Let's get Pasquale here.

He's my all-time favorite.

And Nunez wants to hear The Queen Mother, please.

All right, so I've got The Queen Mother.

I've got Children Who Break Up Marriages Ready.

We've got Where is Pasquale?

And the Charlie Patton one, which is long.

Let's see.

Charlie Patton in the tub.

Okay.

Charlie's phone in the tub.

There we go.

That's 10 minutes, 59 seconds long.

Okay.

All right.

First of all, let's get through these here real quick.

This is fine.

Hey, let's just chill.

We don't have to do live calls.

Let's do this.

Tuck, if you come on.

I see Tuck's back in here.

Tuck, if you think of any prank calls that we've done in the years that you want us

to play, bring it up.

All right.

Children who break up marriages.

Let's play this now.

Hello?

Oh, that's the wrong one.

All right.

This is the Queen Mother.

Let's do the Queen Mother instead then.

hello listen i'm from the royal family and the queen mother's coming down i need your best

sweet hello answer me at once i'm answering you yes address address me as sir when saw royal

say that this is saw royal thomas phineas and you will prepare a sweet at once at the royal

order of the queen mother so i haven't got one what do you mean you haven't got one

Uh, our suites are full up.

What? Do you know who you're speaking with?

Yes, but our suites are full.

Listen, this is the Queen we're talking about. There is no such thing as a full suite.

She's the Queen Mother, and the Queen Mother, I'm afraid, is dead.

What?!

You told me the Queen Mother. The Queen Mother is dead.

The new Queen Mother, you batty bastard!

We haven't got a Queen Mother. Say your facts right, Bursley.

F.E.O., you poofed up.

The Queen Mother died in 2002, Reklu.

Was it in 2001 or 2002?

Alright, that's the Queen Mother with Reklu.

That's cool.

That's a fun one.

Alright.

Let me try to find Children Who Break Up Marriages.

I can't find it here for some reason.

This sucks.

Here we go.

hi are you friends with um 18 blondie um no like how do you know 18 is this kgn no this isn't the

kgn dude because i i found out on good word that you were talking to my girl on the chat room

no my boys saw you give out your number to 18 blondie that's what chat room because i don't

go on chat rooms web chat chat room man no i haven't i don't go on those how long have you

known that my girl's been doing porno shit on the webcam man are you the dude that started it up

no i don't know anything about this man because i if you're the guy that's running his website

so help me god man when i put in a lawsuit that i'm gonna put on you dude hey hey hey hey could

you please listen to me hey jack okay i'm calling the shots all right okay can i please say

something i did not i don't know i know nothing about a webcam site or anything okay i did not

not go on there somebody could have put my number on there i did not okay i'm 15 i did not go on

there okay can you please trust me traced your ip address we got the proof when your ip man

like i saw her doing something on on the video cam what kind of dildo shit well i don't know

where she got that are you the guy that bought it for her because she said some guy online bought

it for her and i look at the screen and you're there giving her this phone number telling her

to call you no well i i what happened i know what i know what you're talking about but it was not

me okay it was on my computer but it was not me okay then you it's not me but i don't know who it

is no i can can i explain uh what happened with my laptop okay somebody called me i'm trying to

figure out what's going on and they gave out my number to a whole bunch of different people and

i'm trying to figure this out so you know i'm right here look listen it says right here i want

to blank you do you like to blank in doggy style i want to blank you now can i blank you now do that

That, yes. This is really me. This is really my phone number, and it gives your phone number out right here.

Okay, that's what I would, I'd never say something like that.

Sir, I have something to tell you.

I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC, and we're doing a show about children who break up marriages.

Okay, well, can I please, well, I didn't have anything to do with this.

I didn't say anything like that. I'm trying to find out who's doing this.

Do you look up porno dirty pictures on the computer machine?

No.

You never have?

I have, but I don't anymore.

I did, like, a long time ago with friends, but I don't do it anymore.

Friends?

So you got together and looked at porno pictures on the computer?

This was, like, years ago.

Years ago.

This kid is really funny, man.

I love this kid.

Together, you looked at it?

Well, we were together, and it was like a pop-up thing.

Because people your age aren't supposed to look at porno.

It was a pop-up.

That's like buying cigarettes, son.

It was a pop-up, though.

But why wasn't your parent filter turned on?

Because I don't know.

I don't know.

Well, you're free to go.

I mean, you're here on your own accord.

You're free to go.

Okay.

Anything to go through, anything?

Well, you're going to be on, you're part of the report.

Okay.

It's going to be on NBC Radio about predators like yourself who break marriages up on the Internet.

Okay.

Well, I'm going to try to figure this out, figure out who this is.

I'm going to talk to him because, you know.

Like I said, I'm on NBC Studios.

This is Chris Hansen.

If you want to get a hold of me, let me know.

Okay, if I find out who it was and let you know what I'm finding out, because I didn't.

Okay, good job, son.

You got it.

Okay.

I'm going to talk to the DA and everything is going to be all right.

Don't worry about it.

What's the DA?

Yeah, the district attorney.

I'll talk to the DA and I'll smooth it over to be cool.

Okay, thank you.

Yeah, because, you know, I'm the guy on the TV, so I will work it out.

Don't worry about it.

Okay, bye.

I got to go.

My mom's calling me.

Hey, until I say hi, all right?

Okay, bye.

I got to go.

My mom's calling me.

Oh, okay.

Sure, yeah.

So I said hi.

I said, ask her what she's wearing.

Yeah, exactly.

I said, go on.

We got a new listener in here tonight, man.

Who's that?

We got a new listener, man.

Can you give a shout-out tonight?

Say hi to Tack Daddy.

To who?

Tack Daddy.

All right.

What's up, Tack Daddy?

Tack Daddy, yeah.

Welcome to the Madhouse.

Welcome, Tack Daddy.

Welcome, man.

All right, Milkman, as promised, here you go.

Off the request line, where is Pasquale?

Molly, just for you, my friend.

Thank you, brother.

You son of a bitch, speak English, America.

You son of a bitch, you motherfucking, I don't speak Spanish.

I know, you speak English, I see.

You motherfucking, you motherfucking.

Ah, go ahead, man.

You motherfucking, you.

You bitch.

Don't never, don't never call again to this point, man.

Mo' my lord, mo' my lord.

You motherfucking.

Why are you so angry?

What's my quality?

It's fine for you, man.

There you go, Northman.

Trout and fruit.

That wasn't the best fruit.

Yeah, that's the first.

I know we talked about it before many times, but that's the first prank call ever on this show.

There you go.

I love it, too, man.

That's still one of my favorites.

We got another request here.

Carlito and a dominatrix from last year.

This is me and Will.

For a hot girl, press 2 for a beautiful dominatrix.

Press 3 for a beautiful T.S. with a special surprise.

We'll call the dominatrix, then we're going to call the transvestite.

Hang on.

Hello?

Hey, how are you doing?

Good, how are you?

Good, who's this?

Uh, can you speak up a little bit?

I'm sorry, woman.

Good, who's this?

It's Ashley.

Ashley, what's going on?

What the fuck are you wearing?

I'm not wearing much of anything, really.

Where are you?

Are you in a cubicle or are you inside your house?

I'm inside a cubicle.

You're in a cubicle?

Can you get naked in your cubicle?

how we're going to do this shit, man.

Are you a dominatrix, for real?

Are you going to try to push me around?

You think you're going to get away with it?

I want you to get on your fucking knees right now.

That's not how you do it.

So what? That's how you do it. I'm in charge.

You're the dominatrix. Get on your fucking knees, I said.

That's not how it dominates.

Yes, it is. I have it right here in the book.

Get on your fucking knees, you cunt.

You don't have to talk to me like that.

I can talk however I want.

You're my dominatrix, bitch. Get the fuck on your knees.

If I'm a dominatrix, you moron,

Ma'am, I'm paying for this.

I pay your taxes, you know that?

It says right here, the Kama Sutra.

Yes, I do. I pay your salary and your taxes.

Fuck you, bitch.

You fucking dominatrix.

Get on your knees and suck it.

Oh, I'm hilarious, huh?

Do I make you laugh with my pathetically small penis?

Yeah, shut up.

Go outside. Go outside.

Hang up the phone. I command you.

I command you...

Shut the fuck up.

I command you to hang up the phone.

You've got a three-inch cock, don't you?

No, I don't.

It's four.

Oh, wow.

What a deal.

I have a 46-inch waist size.

That's really something to be proud of.

My waist size is 46 inches, too, baby.

You want it?

No.

You want my 46 inches of gut?

Uh, I don't think so.

I got 46 inches of lust right here, baby.

Listen, listen.

You know what?

You must really be able to see that little four-inch cock well with your big-ass...

I have a floor-length mirror, okay?

You're a fucking dominatrix whore.

I'm done with you.

I'm done.

I got off.

Shut up.

Shut up!

Shut up, Mom!

Be sure to visit us online.

Lego is going to be calling in in a moment.

We haven't talked to Lego in a long time.

What's up, Dr. Bro?

Hey, I've got one more request.

Sweet Kisses asked if you could do a Debra Mansfield call.

Those are short but sweet.

Oh, play one of the Debbies?

Okay, which one exactly?

We'll play the original one, the bus driver one, huh?

That's a funny one, because she does get very happy with the madhouse.

Let me see if I can find her number here, though.

Hang on.

Not her number, but her prank.

Reckless bus driver, all right?

That's the one.

All right, let's try that.

The following is an exclusive of PCU Radio and MadhouseLive.com.

Hello?

Hey, Debbie?

Yeah.

I'm calling with the Department of Motor Vehicles.

How are you?

Yeah, yeah.

Fine.

Good.

We need you to come in tomorrow for a driver's assessment.

We've received a few complaints on your license plate.

We pulled them, and we need you to come in to fill out a driver assessment

in order to retain driving privileges by the state.

For my what now?

Your driving privileges are in danger of being revoked.

We need you to come in for an alternate driver's assessment tomorrow morning, 8 o'clock.

For what now? My driver's license?

Your driving privileges are going to be revoked unless you can come in tomorrow

and pass your driver's assessment.

I haven't had any problems with my driver's license.

We're actually going to be drawing blood for, uh, alcohol.

Yo.

What's up, bro?

How you doing, Dr. Lego?

What's going on?

Oh, man, just having a good time.

We've been reminiscing all night tonight, playing old pranks and playing old bits from the show

and just remembering old times, man.

It's been a good time.

Really?

Like, why?

What is it, like, is it a year-round-up show?

No, just for the shit of it.

Just thought I'd go on and we're just, you know, reminiscing, thinking about old times, man.

It's been fun.

You know what?

I should play.

Hey, remember the Athena song you made that one time?

I have that somewhere.

Yeah, you should play that.

What was that?

How did that go again?

Athena, why are you sucking cocks in Amsterdam?

That was fun, man.

I was drunk off my ass yelling in the background, crying.

It was a lot of funny shit, man.

Yeah, man.

We've been through a lot, dude.

How are you doing, man?

I'm good.

I'm good, man.

I was watching a little bit of Tabitha, and then I saw you guys were on.

I figured I'd come by over here.

Oh, yeah.

Tabitha was on today, yeah?

Yeah, she was on.

Yeah, you know, I was checking it out a little bit.

So, you know, dude, what I want to tell you, so what's going on?

You back on KDK?

No, he's not.

PCU is Ted and what's-his-face in Tuck.

Oh, all right.

KDK's not doing a show yet?

KDK has some Fartsteam something radio something.

Fartsteam something something dot com.

I don't know.

Something weird like that.

Fartsteam.

What's that?

I shouldn't be on Fartsteam.

I think you are.

Yeah, unless he's putting me on there.

I don't know.

Farts, you can't hold a network.

No, I'm on, it's just on PC.

If I'm on Farts Team, hey, whatever, that's cool.

Ted, fuck it!

Ted, so Ted's got it going on, Tuck's got it going on.

No, KDK has his own station now.

KDK said he wanted to do his own thing because he's the best one,

and he made his own station called Farts Team,

and he does his own shows, and he plays, like, old stand-up or something on there.

Hey, I spoke to him a few months ago, and he told me how he inherited...

Yeah, he's got this weird attitude about himself now.

I think he lost, like, 20 pounds, and he thinks he's awesome or something.

I don't know.

He's a weird guy, but whatever.

Best of luck to him or whatever.

Yeah, man, I got nothing against him.

I mean, you know, he definitely – it's too bad because I actually kind of like the guy, but fuck him.

Yeah, I kind of like him, too, but it's just he's a very disrespectful man.

And I felt like for a while that I was carrying the ship for a while over there with his little project,

and I wasn't getting the respect I was due.

So I dropped him on his ass, and sure enough, he's not in the same position he used to be anymore.

That's for sure.

It's been a lot more positive for me in my show, I think, ever since I left him in his wake.

So, yeah, I'm definitely happy without not being involved with KDK anymore like that, because he's just so...

Yeah, well, dude, when we were with KDK, it was like being a little...

He was mini-Hitler, dude.

Yeah, he was.

He was, man.

He's got an ego.

I mean, I think to do radio, to be a good person on radio, you do have to have an ego.

But not a dick eagle.

Yeah, but just don't be a prick to people, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, you've got to be respect-like.

Respect.

All respected-like.

That's right, that's right.

How's the band, the Steel Horse Band?

Isn't that your band?

Steel Horse Band.

We're a bunch of whores that like steel.

Ah, yes.

And we're actually playing Saturday night.

I wish you could come.

I wish I could.

It's far away, though, for me.

Yeah, it's a fucking ride.

Yeah, cool.

Cool, man.

So what's up, man?

What other pranks have you been playing?

Just old stuff, taking requests

Reclute and me were doing

Well, Reclute was doing pranks

For a while, live ones

Reclute was in the house

I don't know, you want to do a prank

Or are you just calling to call in

I just called in to say, yo man

You want me to prank someone, I'll prank them, fuck it

We can prank someone, I got the bingo club here

That's the last one that was confirmed, it's in Hawaii

Want to try that

Got a fucking zit right here

It's not ready yet, it's not ripe yet

Yeah, you can't push them out when they're

Well, they're not ripe.

Yeah, because if you do, then they kind of, like, shoot back in,

and then all the blood and pus goes backwards.

Yeah, they'll poison you.

It'll come out somewhere else, in another part of the body.

Usually, yeah, if you have, like, seriously, if you've got, like, one, like, on your balls,

and you push it out, it comes out the head of your penis.

Oh, it does.

And I get those all the time.

I love having a ball sack pimple.

You know what's really cool is when you have a big, fucking, nasty, ripe zit,

cock. You fucking jerk off in your chick's

face and you pop the zit at the same time.

That is very nasty. And then she

doesn't know the difference. There's no such thing as pimples

on your dick. That's herpes or

something. That's chlamydia, gonorrhea.

Yeah, whatever it is, dude. You can still shoot

it. You got vaginal warts. Oh, wow.

That's nasty. You can still squeeze them and

fucking fly them out at them. Yeah.

Lego, you always bring up

those little things, man. That's why I love you.

Alright, the bingo club. Hang on,

Lego. Here's a live call. Hey, who and you

call son of a bitch all right hang on and abusive substance test who are you is this legit yes it is

i'm jack masterson with the department of motor vehicles you've had three complaints within the

last 72 hours three complaints of what of a reckless driving no not me you got the wrong one

according to this if you don't pass this test we're going to be drawing blood and you have to

do the written test if you fail you're going to lose your driving where was i where was i cited

for reckless driving i'm not allowed to give that information until you come in tomorrow

Where was I? This doesn't sound legitimate to me, so I'll just cut that.

All right.

It's online Donkey Kong.

Bingo Club?

Yeah, bingo.

Thank you, how are you?

That's good. You know, in this place, it's us.

Yeah, no, it's plain.

Yeah, no.

A few years ago.

Okay.

Yeah, she got big counting cards and everything.

Really, I think she's really good at big, you know.

I mean, she's missing a hand, but she'll use her other hand.

Yeah, yeah, I think she can do it, yeah.

Do you think, you know, she's also into, like, gang bangs and shit.

I mean, you think she could hook up over there?

Yeah.

You know, my grandmother is actually here.

She wanted to ask you a couple of questions.

Okay, that's fine.

Let me put her on the phone.

Okay, that's fine.

Hold on.

I thought you had got that.

Thank you.

This is Jill Rosenthal.

That's my letter of deceit.

They had, you know.

Wiggins went flying through the windshield and right into my neck.

So she got on me.

So now I speak through a beak in my throat.

So what is your name, sir?

My name is, uh, Nardo.

He sounds like he's got something in his cheeks.

You know people that talk like that?

The notorious Biggie Smalls.

Kind of like Vote for Pedro.

Yeah, kind of like Vote for Pedro.

Alright, Lego, thanks for calling in, man.

Hey, man, Carlito, you know, you know, love for you.

Likewise.

Big, big respect.

Both sides of the table.

Hey, man, big show next May.

You still down?

Dude, I'm down.

You let me know when it is, man.

Alright, May 28th of 2009.

Post you kept.

Alright, everybody, have a good night, man.

Everybody, good night.

Everybody, hope you enjoyed Lego.

Yeah.

Dr. Macanago.

All right, anyway.

Can you see your G-top there?

I see it.

I'm going to recap the Reckless.

I'm recapping this prank.

All right, hang on.

Let me recap this prank for everybody.

We're going back.

Not from the top, but I went back about 30 seconds here for everybody.

I'm not allowed to give that information out until you come in tomorrow.

Where was I?

This doesn't sound legitimate to me.

So I'll just contact the state representative or somebody and let them investigate it.

He can't help you.

I'm not going to have to call at, no, 10 minutes to 20 or something like this.

You can call your lawyer.

You can call your pastor.

It doesn't matter.

But if you don't come in tomorrow, you better not be driving.

Where was I directly driving at?

Down the highway.

The interstate.

The what?

Interstate, Maine.

Where?

We got you on camera also.

What is my license number?

Ma'am, I can't get that out over the phone.

You know that.

You know what? You may be a mass murderer or anybody else.

You're just going to have to take me to court and do what you got to do.

What's the big deal?

At 10 minutes to 12 tonight, you're going to call me and you jackmasters it,

and you can't tell me what I've done.

You were down I-70 and I-0, man.

You were tracked by the cameras at the intersections.

In what kind of car?

I don't have the color of your car. I don't have time to do that.

I drive a school bus, so was it on my job or in my car?

It was a yellow bus.

No, and you know what?

You got me wrong there because I don't use interstate on my run.

Oh, really?

No, I don't.

Well, not according to this information here.

Not on the interstate.

I'm not on interstate in my bus.

My route is in the city streets.

Let me ask you a question.

Would you pass a drug test if we were to ask you to do that right now?

Oh, yes.

I don't do drugs, and I do do alcohol.

And, you know, you can call hospital and hospital where I am treated.

Well, that's not what your pastor says.

What pastor?

You're pastor of the church and you're parole officer.

I ain't got no pastor, no parole officer.

I'll tell you, you got the wrong devil.

God damn it, woman.

Don't you talk to me like that.

Well, God damn it, don't you call my house no more.

And you better not let me find out who you are.

You crazy ass something.

You better get off the phone because I'm going to call the real damn police.

All right, there we go.

Debbie Mansfield, the reckless bus driver.

Yay, that was fun.

All right, let's play one here called Chinese Contraband Store.

Who

that the answer the phone hello?

Yeah, are you attentive? He's me. Are you attentive attention sir?

Sir.

Yes.

Is this the liquor place?

That's liquor store.

Is this the liquor space?

Yes.

Liquor space.

Is this the liquor space?

That's liquor store.

Liquor store.

Good.

Do you have attention?

Oh, what attention?

Are you at attention, sir?

Do you have, make attention, please.

Okay?

Uh huh.

Do you have pony kegs?

I don't want to unsanity.

God, what are you, dinky dow?

Do you have pony kegs, man?

Pony kegs?

Yeah, pony keg.

Pony keg, man.

man. You know keg of beer? Do you got kegs? Oh, oh, oh, keg beer, right? Big barrel of beer, man.

No, I don't have it. What's the biggest beer size you got? I need as much beer as possible, man.

I have 20 pack only. 20 pack? Yeah. What is it of? 20 pack bottle. Yeah, well, what's the brew?

What's the brand? What's the make and model? Uh, Budweiser, Bud Light. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yes.

Give it to me. Come on. Tell me the truth about it, though. Where's the secret keg, huh? I heard

you have some some chinese bamboo room back there you're making in the stills that's what i want the

good shit you know what i mean you got some fireworks oh i'm sorry i don't want to say

what about bootleg dvds man i'm sorry i don't want that fendi bag sir jesus christ you got

any bootleg pokemon cards you got any bootleg pokemon cards man sorry okay i want some bootleg

charmanders bye son of a bitch come on man i got kids to get through college that's what it is

Yes it is Carlito

That is what it is

Or should I say

It was what it was

Hi man

Thank you

Hi

We fought it

By the way

This is Christina

Okay

And we continue

Any other requests gentlemen

Or who's the dead

Gentleman I guess

All we got left is Milkman

No one else

Just the Milkman here right now

I don't even think Milkman is talking

I don't know what else to play here

That call that I just played now

Is only available in the forums

The Madhouse forums

so be sure to go to the madhouse forums and register if you haven't yet and and join the

community there we're having fun there's a lot of cool stuff out there i would like for everybody

listening tonight to please make an effort to tune into the forums i'm gonna end the show now

it's been fun we had a record we did some pranks we played some old classic stuff it's mostly a

test of the uh stability of the new phone line and i say it came through pretty well i did notice i

I don't know, you know, for all you technophiles who like this show, who listen,

I did notice that the sound itself of the phone line was a lot clearer,

like other people were a lot easier to hear.

You know, the people I was calling on the other end of the line

were coming through a lot clearer than with the other phone line, which is good.

The one thing we did notice, of course, is the toll-free line isn't routing yet,

unless you're local in my area code here in 407.

You can't get through on the toll-free line, but that should regulate itself in about three days.

So the toll-free line should be working again.

I'll keep an eye on that.

And then this phone here needs to be replaced

because if I move it, sometimes it gets a very bad staticky problem.

And I only paid, like, $8 for this phone,

so I need to buy, like, a nicer one with color ID on it.

But, yeah, that's that.

That's the phone.

And that's what this show was.

And, hey, we had fun, right?

So we can't complain.

I'm going to head out of here while I play this last call per Milkman's request.

It's 10 minutes, 59 seconds long.

it's a classic though

this is Charlie Patton

Charlie's phone in the tub

this is

we have another call

with him as well

which is the

we call them again

afterwards

and that's all available

at the website

at madhouselive.com

but hey anyway

thanks for listening everybody

have a good weekend

happy Easter

we'll catch you on Thursday

this coming Thursday

at 10pm Eastern

7pm Pacific

I'm sure you knew that

already though

goodbye

my name is

Father McCourt

how are you

well I'm fine

thank you very much

God bless you

the best I can

I understand. One of the sisters here told us to maybe give you a call.

It says you only have a little bit of time left to live, and we wanted to know if we could do anything for you.

Yes, that's true. I've got cancer all over me.

All over you?

It's between the fifth and first vertebrae in my neck, and it's down in my left lung.

It's in your lung now?

Yeah, my left one.

Have it down here that it's in your...

It started in my left lung, and it went up to my neck, it's on my spinal cord, from my

fifth to the first vertebrae, and now it's in my left kidney.

It's in your kidney now?

Yeah.

Oh, Lord Jesus.

So how long have you had this now, my son?

Well, a year, I'd say a year, last March, going on two years now.

Okay. What have you done? Have you seen the doctor? What has he said?

Well, he gives me, he doesn't want, my family physician does not want to give me a definite date,

because he's a Christian, you know, and I said, Doc, I said, I've got to know something.

So he says, well, Charlie, he says, between three to six months or maybe a year.

Okay, so it could be as soon as four to six months and as late as a year that you could pass away to the light.

Yeah.

Do you want to stay?

See, the way I deal with it, I can't deal with it straight on.

The way I deal with it is being happy, keeping people happy around me,

knowing that the good Lord will take me home when it's time.

See, I've got to say I'm too ornery for the devil, and God's not ready for me yet.

And, you know, I've got to cut up about it because straight, head on, I can't deal with it.

Now, what caused this?

Do you know?

Did you work around pesticides or something?

I'm sorry I didn't hear you.

Did you work around pesticides? What exactly caused this cancer?

Severe headaches. I get severe headaches.

And, I mean, a lot of pain.

But I just believe it in God's hands.

You believe it in God's hands?

Yeah.

Well, you know, God only helps those who help themselves.

I know it. I do help myself.

But I was here...

I am trying to help myself. That's why.

And I try to keep people happy around me.

I mean, you know, I meet no strangers, you know, and I don't pray for myself.

I pray for others.

Oh, well, you should pray for yourself.

I'll tell you, my child, I was praying for myself here with the Bible, and it fell from my hands.

And that is a horrible sign, but it opened on the Scripture, and the TV turned on,

and I had a vision of calling you, my child, and I think the good Lord has put you in my hands,

and I'm ready to heal thee.

Well, I hope and pray so, because I tell you,

whoever told you has not really known me,

because that's what we do.

We pray for each other.

It's just that the sister here at the parish said that I should call you,

and we had a divine inspiration.

Do you want to be healed now?

Can we pray for you real quickly over the phone?

I promise it will not take much of your time.

Oh, good Lord, to heaven, yes.

Okay.

Do you have a cordless phone?

Yes, I do.

Excellent.

Excellent. We're going to go into the bathroom, and I need you to draw a bath, put some water in the bathtub, and we're going to make some holy water.

Okay. Give me a second.

Okay.

Take me a minute to get in there.

Of course.

Because every time I take a step, I have pain shooting up.

There's pain shooting?

Yeah, pain shooting up in my neck.

Oh, your neck?

My head.

Oh, Lord. Well, we'll see what I can do.

Okay.

Go ahead and turn the shower and don't make it too cold, not too hot.

Halfway in between.

Okay.

Can you put the phone a little closer to it so I can get close to it, please?

Do what?

Okay.

Can you, I need you to, when I say so, I need you to put the, I need you to put your right hand out.

Right.

Towards the water.

Uh-huh.

Are you ready to pray, my son?

Okay.

I need you to say very loud, in the name of God and Lord Jesus.

I can't hear you.

I need you to say, in the name of God and Lord Jesus.

In the name of God and Lord Jesus.

You're saying it wrong.

In the name of Lord God Jesus.

I make this water holy.

Now splash your hand in the water.

Okay.

Now go ahead and stand in the shower.

Yes.

Okay.

Are you standing in the shower?

No.

I'm by the bathtub.

I mean, not the tub, but the sink, because my shower's got a chair and stuff in it, and I'm still dressed.

You're still dressed?

Yeah, I've got some evening clothes, you know.

Okay, okay, so here's what we're going to do.

I need you to take the phone and throw it into the shower, but do not go in with it, but just put it inside the water.

Phone?

Yes.

Okay.

Is the water on?

Hello, sir.

My child, come back.

I'm here.

Okay, is there any water in the tub?

Yeah, I'll put more.

No, you need to fill it up.

Okay, what is the phone exactly now?

It's right in the center.

In the center?

Yes.

In the center of what, of the bathtub?

The water basin.

Okay, and how much water is in there?

It's up to the top.

Up to the top?

Okay, what I'm telling you is to put the phone inside the tub with the waters.

Put the phone inside the water.

Yes, do not go inside, but just...

No, no, no, no, it is holy water, it won't do anything.

put the phone in the water okay okay there it goes okay i think he just fucked his phone up

he did throw it in there though that's funny are you sure that guy isn't dying man i'm going to

hell. Yeah, you are. He has had so many different fake, hypocrite, hypochondriac diseases and

tears. Charlie, I'm talking to you over the loudspeaker. What happened to the phone? It's

dead. Okay. Are you feeling any better yet? Yes. Are you feeling better? Go ahead. I can

hear you now. Are you feeling better yet? I feel better, yeah, but I just can't figure

I figured out why the battery in my hand section went dead on me.

Oh, no, that's the power of Jesus came through the phone.

We sacrificed the phone, but...

I've done exactly what you said, and I believe.

Okay.

I believe in the leap of faith.

Great. Well, good.

Well, look, make sure that you take the phone out of there.

It's out.

It's out? Okay.

Well, good.

I'm glad you feel better.

Yes, sir.

Okay, you're going to come down to the parish tomorrow?

tomorrow? Uh, which one? The one, uh, where, uh, uh, Sister Kay, uh, uh, goes to? My nurse?

Yes. Oh, yeah, I would love to. If I could get up there. If it's not cold out, I can

ride my chair up there. Well, great. Um, I was hoping, you know, we could maybe get

a donation. Okay, uh, I'll do everything. Now, you're up on the hill, uh, uh, what section,

I mean, what street is it on, please?

You need to come down.

You need to make a check out to Our Lady of Cholesterol.

Sorry, I did not hear that.

You want to write down.

You want to make the money order or check out to Our Lady of Cholesterol.

Right.

Our Lady of Cholesterol.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, sir.

God bless you.

Jesus.

Oh, now it's wrong, Lisa.

House Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you!

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Calls (16, 1 h 21 min of 2 h 16 min)

Transcript

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