2008-07-17 Show

Who the fuck is this?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

What do you want me to do, everybody?

Good evening.

Madhouse Radio has returned once again for another show machine.

What are you coming to do?

I don't fucking know.

Thanks for making me feel all self-conscious about myself, Tuck.

You bastard.

Always putting me under pressure.

Beer number three, everybody.

Beer number three right in front of me.

Good evening.

Already?

Already.

Alrighty, let's always be your number three here in Madhouse, in the Madhouse.

Man, if you guys are listening to us, that means that you're in the right place.

Madhouse Radio is back, as it is every Thursday night,

for prank calls, comedy talk, current events, general buffoonery, whatnot, so forth.

Thank you for listening, watching, whatever it is that you're doing.

You can reach us here tonight, of course, on the different messengers and phone lines

and e-mail addresses and instant messaging and a bunch of different ways you can reach us.

We'll get to that in a little bit.

In the meantime, I just want to give a big what's up to everyone here who's listening,

who's joining us today in the conference, of course.

We've got, of course, none other than the man himself,

four-time domino champion of the Caribbean,

the Milkman hailing from the Virgin Islands.

What's up, bro?

All right, Milkman.

Let's hear it for the Milkman, everybody.

Is he muted?

Yeah, he's muted.

Let's try that again.

Four-time domino champion of something or other, the Milkguy.

Hey, Milkguy.

Hello.

Can you hear me today?

Hello, Milkman.

I'm kidding, man.

Yeah, we hear you, bro.

What's happening, man?

What do you say to everybody?

So, you know, it's way, it's way.

Not much.

Good.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good to have you on, Milkman.

Thank you as always.

And, of course, we've got Big Tuck, the Tuggers over here.

He's just on the end.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bingo, bingo, bang, bang, and luga, ho.

Man, these cigars taste like they have like a maple syrup kind of taste to them.

I don't know what's up with that

I'm going to light that real quick

I've got Canadian cigars here

infused with maple

I can't eat sugar because I'm diabetic

so I might as well just smoke it

I'm freebasing it everybody

if you folks want to talk to me tonight

you can over at

madhouselive.com to see the instructions

but if you're using AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger

you can message me

The screen name is Madhouse Radio.

That will be the screen name tonight.

Madhouse Radio on AOL and Yahoo Instant Messenger.

And if you are using MSN Messenger, that would be madhouseatlive.com.

That's how you can get a hold of me there.

No video on Mad.

There's no video on the Madhouse Radio Network.

Are you kidding me?

Milkman, are you serious?

Are you mad?

No.

You shouldn't be.

I'm sorry.

I don't know.

Everyone else, let me know.

Are you on Justin? Are you on Syndicate there?

I don't know. Syndicate. You let me know I see myself on Syndicate.

Look at me. I'm on the SyndicateRadio.tv.

It's a cigar cutter.

I'm sitting over there with a bunch of gangsters, man, but I don't see you over here.

It's a big bulletin board there.

No.

I think you need to enable Java milk, man. I think that's what your problem is tonight.

Yeah, so I want to say a big what's up to everybody up in the house in Syndicate Radio.

Syndicateradio.tv.

What's up, everybody over there?

And, of course, everyone over in the Madhouse side.

We'll be doing some formal introductions later.

So be sure to send in your requests for prank calls and all that stuff.

We'll be here taking them.

No Lonesome Loser as of yet tonight.

No Lonesome Loser as of yet tonight, but we do have some stuff on deck.

Nunu has been helping us out.

We've got the National Organization of Women.

National Organization of Broads.

Having a conference.

Good day.

So we'll be looking forward to that tonight, of course.

Also.

That's right.

It's their new, new Wanker Shire.

And just remember, we're good.

We'll follow.

We're going to vote.

And before you know it, that'll be all organized.

And then they'll be willing to vote.

Yeah.

Also, on top of that, just to let you guys know, we have donated to us from our secret

our secret source the arm has located uh a 15 minute blog of free phone sex i'll be calling

that tonight as well i think we should start off the show with that motherfuckers real quick let

me tell y'all uh just just let's let's actually um let's go back to the past on uh man aren't you

no wasting all man man no man no man man fisting yeah you guys do man fisting over there

Hey, motherfucker.

That's what we're going to do.

Man, I'm dealing with it.

Let's go back to last year here.

The last time we got a, this is a source we have.

We get an occasional, this is someone that we know who every once in a while

can get like free 15-minute promotional cards of phone sex.

And the first time around we did this.

This is Carlito and a dominatrix.

This is from last year here.

And while we're at it, we need to come up with ideas.

We get, basically we get one call, 15 minutes long.

We can't hang up in the middle of it and call back and get another operator

because they only give you, you know, it's a one-shot thing,

50 minutes with a phone sex operator,

and our goal tonight is to make the craziest, wackiest, most gross-out thing to her as possible.

I see Brandon Vegas is also here.

Brandon Vegas, you're joining in late.

That's a minus one gold star for you already.

And that's your problem, not mine.

So let's listen to this here for some ideas.

Everybody out there in Syndicate in the Madhouse room,

room if you guys can come up with ideas i was thinking jack masterson our 482 pound character

should call in for some phone sex uh give me your ideas the best one will win something i don't know

yeah here we go this is uh this is from last year play it milkman for a hot girl press two for a

skilled dominatrix press three for a beautiful ts with that special dominatrix or an annoying tv

who knows i gotta call we'll call the dominatrix then we're gonna call the transvestite hang on

Hello?

Hey, how are you doing?

Good, how are you?

Good, who's this?

Uh, can you speak up a little bit?

I'm sorry, woman.

Good, who's this?

It's Ashley.

Ashley, what's going on?

I'm not talking.

What the fuck are you wearing?

I'm sorry?

What the fuck are you wearing?

I'm not wearing much of anything, really.

Where are you?

Are you in a cubicle or are you inside your house?

I'm inside a cubicle.

You're in a cubicle?

Fuck, can you get naked in your cubicle?

How are we going to do this shit, man?

Sure.

Are you a dominatrix for real?

I can be.

Push me around?

You think you're going to get away with it?

Is that what you want?

I want you to get on your fucking knees right now.

That's not really being a dominatrix.

So what?

That's how you do it.

I'm in charge.

You're the dominatrix.

Get on your fucking knees, I said.

That's not how a dominatrix...

Yes, it is.

I have it right here in the book.

Get on your fucking knees, you cunt.

You don't have to talk to me like that.

I can talk however I want.

You're my dominatrix, bitch.

Get the fuck on your knees.

If I'm a dominatrix, you want...

Look it up in the book.

Ma'am, I'm paying for this.

What book do you have?

I pay your taxes, you know that?

What kind of books do you have?

It says right here, the Kama Sutra.

You pay my taxes?

Yes, I do. I pay your salary and your taxes.

You don't pay my taxes.

Fuck you, bitch. You fucking dominatrix. Get on your knees and suck it.

You're hilarious.

Oh, I'm hilarious, huh? Do I make you laugh with my pathetically small penis?

Oh, God. Is that what your problem is?

Yeah, shut up. Go outside. Go outside. Hang up the phone. I command you.

You're like a little strange cock.

I command you to hang up the phone.

You've got a three-inch cock, don't you?

No, I don't. It's four.

Oh, wow.

I have a 46-inch waist size.

That's really something to be proud of.

My waist size is 46 inches, too, baby. You want it?

No.

You want my 46 inches of gut?

I don't think so.

I've got 46 inches of lust right here, baby.

Listen, listen.

You know what?

You must really be able to see that little four-inch cock well with your big-ass thumb.

I have a floor-length mirror, okay?

You're a fucking dominatrix whore.

I'm done with you.

I'm done.

I got off.

Shut up.

Shut up, mom.

Up your ass.

Anyway, so nice language, this crazy...

You know what?

Deal with it.

What, are you a woman or something?

The C word.

You know what?

Fuck it, right?

What's your problem, woman?

Get out of here.

Shut up, mom.

Anyway, so that's what we did last year.

this opportunity when we had the free phone sex

we're going to try it again, hopefully this one works out

I just disconnected the microphone again

hopefully this one works out better than the last one

which was pretty good, up in the syndicate

radio chat room I see G-Wiz

has been playing a lot of porno clips, not porno clips

but just naughty clips

he's sticking to African American girls

for the time being, and those girls

have some asses over there, Milkman, I know you like black girls

you should go into the syndicate radio

dot TV chat room right now, man

over at NowLive

right now g-wiz is a big black ass is just looking for me to go

yeah yeah yeah man i know her i see two hams they need a nice glazing if you know what i mean

you know all right so i just want to give uh what's up to everybody clavin in there g-wiz

disturbed is in there disturbed d whatever dr dirty cantaloupe crazy heretic ashley doll amanda

That girl that was flashing her ta-tas last night is in the house.

G-Unit, Gold Dog, a bunch of guestesses are in there.

Corrupt Corruption is in the house.

What's up, man?

Owner of a madhouse city.

I believe you bought one of them.

New York Yankees fan for life.

Interesting guy.

Saigon is in the house.

Former head of the PCU Council.

Sidekick Chuck.

Sue Me Too.

Tank 2008.

Wenchi.

Rocky.

The list goes on and on and on.

We've got a total of 62 people watching and listening over at Syndicate Radio.

If you're just lurking, please join the chat room.

Join in and check out this show and interact with the other ladies in here.

We like to have fun, us two here.

Also, over at, you know, don't forget my peeps over at 98.6 The Mouth.

98.6 The Mouth.

New news in the house, of course.

He's busy sending in information here for the National Organization of Women.

They have yoga at 7 a.m. tomorrow, apparently.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, yoga.

Those lesbians and their yoga.

What are they going to get out of that?

Bad Boys of Ohio in the house.

Brandon Vegas, of course, is in there as well as here in the satellite link.

Howard Vanya making a triumphant return coming from surgery.

He was in a car accident, so it's good to see him up and running in here.

Joe, holy shut man.

Milkman's in there, of course, tuck holding it down.

DC Loke is in the house there.

So, yeah, the people are starting to show up for the show.

We're getting warmed up here.

Let's go ahead and do that phone sex call again.

This came from Big Andy, the former co-host of this show.

He didn't move up to Chicago.

He joins us from time to time when he can.

Yes, really.

I know you didn't know that one, but that's him.

Anyway, so let's go ahead and call this.

Hopefully we get some options again.

Last time we had an option, we had, like, what, dominatrix and TS, transvestites or whatever.

So we've got to be on it really quick.

Call it and see what happens.

We only get the one call when we do it.

What do we do, though?

We can't let her hang up right away, dude.

So here's what I'm thinking.

Keep her in there until the 13th minute before we get her pissed off completely.

All right, so most definitely here, you know, I'm thinking Jack Masterson has to do this, right?

We've got to have that debate.

Well, let her do her thing, and then, you know.

Yeah, we've got to get it warmed up, yeah.

But here's the thing, like, any ideas?

Because I'm thinking here, you know, just doing some.

When does the minute start?

Yeah, we need to get a countdown here.

Should we get it on the line, or as soon as we dial in?

I'm going to assume the minute that the line picks up is when it starts.

And I'll give you an idea.

The minute you hear it pick up, that's when the phone sex starts, all right?

All right, well, this is a worst-case scenario.

Aaron will go with that so we don't have any missed time.

And then what I'm assuming is, you know, here Jack Mastin is probably going to get something out of it,

hopefully, hopefully, hopefully.

So let's see where this goes.

All right, everybody, it's time for phone sex.

It's time for some phone head.

That's the way I like to call it.

We'll be right back after this with the first prank call of the night.

You're calling 1-800-399-WELCOME to your free behind ever.

And your horny girl's call.

That's right.

We're so sure you're going to love it.

We're giving first-time callers one call with up to three minutes

to hook up with these ladies who can't wait to get off with you.

Enter your PIN now, followed by the pound sign.

And if you like our service, you can call us back at 1-800-611-

Did you say hit the pound key or not?

Oh, honey, now it's time to choose how you want to get off.

All right, here we go. Listen.

Feel like some hot amateur talk?

Check out who's online, send instant messages, or go one-on-one.

Oh, yeah, press one, baby.

Or turn yourself over to a nasty girl who'll do anything you want.

That's right, your own personal sex toy.

That's it.

Press 2 for live one.

All right, here we go.

Press 1 for a hot girl.

Press 2 for a skilled dominatrix.

Press 3 for a beautiful T.S. with a special surprise.

Or an alluring TV who knows what you want.

Or press 9 to repeat your choices.

All right, guys, what's it going to be?

Give me your votes quickly here.

We're repeating our choices.

Three, three.

Number three.

All right, here we go, baby.

Get your lube ready, get your tissues, everybody.

everybody. Here comes an alluring woman just for you. Oh, I'm so happy I'm talking to you now.

Yeah, where are you at? Oh, I'm in Miami. I'm originally from the Virgin Islands, though.

Yeah, I'm in the hospital at the VA hospital here. Well, in the VA hospital, actually. So

they got me set up here, but I'm on my cell phone. Oh, I just got some, I got a kidney problem. I

I just, I'm a little overweight.

I was in Vietnam, so I got the veteran, you know, the veteran kind of thing.

You're not old enough to be a Vietnam vet.

I was.

Well, thank you for the confidence, sweetheart.

So what was your name again?

I forget names.

I'm Jerry.

Jerry?

So are you like a TS or something?

Like a TS.

Yes, I am a TS.

So what's, is that transsexual?

Yes.

So do you have a wang or no?

Do I have a dick?

Yes.

Well, I like to call it the wang.

Whatever, you won't use the dick.

So what are you allowed to do?

Are we allowed to, like, masturbate together?

Definitely.

Can I, I mean, I need, do I need your permission to touch it?

Well, you can touch yourself whenever you want to, baby.

I'm not a mischief.

Okay, hang on.

Are you in a, like, a private hospital room?

Yeah, it's just a private, long suite.

Oh, nice.

Oh, God.

Well, how old are you?

48.

Really?

That's still not old enough to be in Vietnam.

I wasn't in Vietnam when I was stationed there.

I wasn't, like, in the war or something.

Oh, I was going to say.

Because, I mean, the Vietnam vets, they're old, too.

I was in the Gulf of Tonkin.

You were, huh?

Yeah, so what kind of fantasies do you want to talk about?

Whatever you want to talk about, baby.

How big is your thing?

Seven inches.

Oh.

Would you like to know what I look like?

Yeah.

Five-nines.

I'm 145 pounds.

Oof.

I have black hair.

and um my breast size 34c so how did you do that did you get like implants implants yes oh most of

us get implants a lot of us are on hormones but i didn't like what it was doing to my dick

oh god oh god tell me what you look like i weigh 482 pounds i got long hair it goes down to my back

like to either swallow back it's like it's going great now it's like dirty

like dirty wrong and you know Captain Luol Wano he had the the goatee with the

tide like I do the rubber band tied

I never heard of him. How old are you? 27. Are you black? I'm German and Sicilian. You sound black. I have a lot of black friends.

I don't know, maybe it's rubbing off on you.

Speaking of rubbing off, so you can say you're in a movie theater.

Jacked off in a theater, yes.

Yeah.

I would like maybe I'd be in the back of the theater watching WALL-E or something like that.

You know, in a movie there's not a lot of people in it during the day,

and then I want you to come in, and then you see me,

and then you come from far away, and you come inside, and you sit next to me.

Oh, yeah.

And I want you to start masturbating.

Would you do it?

I'll give you a cock, baby.

It's like four and a half, don't tell anybody, it's like four.

I'm not going to tell anybody, who am I going to tell?

I don't know.

The secret is safe with me.

You're going to tell the media or something.

I'm a city councilman.

You're a city council member?

Yeah.

This is so hot, this is so dangerous and it's so hot.

So what would you do in the movie?

Would you sit on my cock, like would you ride it?

Well, if I'm just kind of next to you and start joking.

I want you to just like sit on it and go up and down.

Oh, you want me to sit on it, so it's going to be hot already.

Yeah, I guess I already, I saw you from far away.

Yeah, I want to smell your hair, like, in the back, and I want you to sit and go up and down.

And then I was thinking, like, it would be hot, like, the roof heater, like, it comes fire.

You just keep going up and down, and, like, who gives a shit?

Maybe.

It would be so hot, it would just, like, there was a fire, I was sexing, and then the roof heater collapsed, and the fire caved in.

Oh, we had to go to that fire, too.

The roof caves in on us because we're bad people or sinners because we're having sex.

And the litigant says that we're in our souls to have sex.

But I don't care.

I don't care.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry, Jesus.

We can still have sex.

I'm sorry, Jesus.

We don't have to have the roof cave in on us or fire.

We can eat all that.

I'm sorry, Jesus.

Oh, God.

Oh.

What did you say?

You're sorry, Jesus.

God, you're messing it up.

Shut up.

I'm almost there.

Talk me off.

Well, go ahead, baby.

No, you talk me off.

I'm paying you.

Don't be lazy, God.

I'm bumping up and down on it, baby.

What do I...

You ever have sex in a plane before?

I never had sex on a plane.

God, I want you...

Maybe we could sit down together

like you had the same seat

next to mine on the plane.

And then I want you to sit down

on my cock,

bouncing up and down

on my cock on the plane.

And then the plane starts crashing

and it crashes into the seat.

And then we both die.

No, baby.

That's a little bit too tragic.

Oh, I just...

I'm into, like, finally dying

and getting out of this pain that I'm in.

Uh-huh.

Something to take you out of your misery.

You ever go hunting?

No, I'm not a hunter.

Oh, I could take you hunting.

Like, we were going, like, a guide trip, like a hunting trip.

And then we'd come onto each other, you know, a little bit.

I was thinking, like, we could shoot the deer.

We'd shoot the deer.

I'll lay down on top of the deer, and then you'd get on top of me,

riding my cock and going up and down.

I don't want to either.

Oh, it's like the most erotic thing ever.

Well, that's really sick, you know that?

Motherfucker, aren't you?

Won't you? You're the one that dresses like a woman that has mutilated your chest.

That's right. That ain't sick.

Now, Rita, go get your family rival. I'm going to preach to you. Intervention.

My God, why don't you intervention your ass and lose some weight, guy?

Okay, I'm going to intervention my ass right now. You ready?

Just a joke. I'm going to eat my ejaculate.

Stop telling me what to do. You, you know, you masturbate on the phone with other men.

I bet you you're, I bet you you're not even a man. You're a fucking woman this whole time, aren't you?

Tell me the truth. Tell me what's going on here.

I have a dick between my legs, titties on my chest, and you're calling me, call your ass preaching at me.

How dare you?

Ma'am, I think you're a liar.

I think you're really a woman who's just low on money because you have like five black kids at home.

And you're black.

You don't have an ounce of German or Italian or whatever it is the hell you say you got in you.

You're some ghetto ass woman that's got like five kids at home.

That's the only thing you know what to do.

You're probably sitting at home.

You know who you are?

You're Michael Jackson.

That's who you are.

Okay.

You're Michael Jackson.

Okay.

Okay, what's your favorite Michael Jackson song?

I don't like Michael Jackson.

Mama say, Mama say, Mama say, Mama say, Mama say, Mama say, Mama say, Mama say, Mama say, Mama say.

Are you in a VA hospital for real?

Mama say, Mama say.

Yes, I'm the director of the VA hospital.

Oh, you're such a fucking liar.

You fucking cunt.

You're a cunt.

You're going to die in hell.

You read about Sodom and Gomorrah, and you see what's going to happen.

You're going to turn into a pillar of salt.

Are you going to sit right there with me?

Perhaps.

First.

You first, lady.

I'll get the party started.

God bless you

I'm leaving

Was that funny I don't know what the hell that was about

That wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be

It was great

How's that one

Michael Jackson

That's funny

Who mentioned that

Holy shit man

Do I have any Michael Jackson music

Embarrassingly enough I bet you I do

Let's see look for Michael Jackson

I know I got to have some Michael Jackson here

Yeah, I do.

I hope we don't.

I hope we have to download it.

No, he's got some...

No family.

There's something here that says Michael Jackson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Ronald Reagan.

What's that?

Oh, I think that's Louis Black.

That's close enough.

You see, here's a good...

This is a good Michael Jackson.

You know, Michael Jackson is what he is, but he had some good music back in the 80s.

Pretty Young Payne.

I should have played that for her.

Eh.

Come on, man.

All right, that's enough of that.

Let's get back to the real manhouse.

Manhouse Radio Hour.

Yeah, exactly.

Jesus.

Christ.

I got beer all over me now.

Disturbedeed says, I think she wants some Carlito dick.

Yeah, I think so, too.

Probably.

Anyway, so we had fun with that.

Now we got a lot of other stuff to do.

Is Lonesome Loser out?

Where the hell is Lonesome Loser at?

What happened to this guy?

Jack Matheson did an excellent job of gargling, man.

He's a good cum gargler, if you didn't know that.

That's one of his other things.

I got to add that to his Wikipedia page.

Everyone be sure to check out the Madhouse Wikipedia over at madhouselive.com.

That's a pallet.

There it is.

You're number four in my belly right now going in.

And in the meantime, we're going to get the information here from Nunu for that conference, I suppose, to see what he's got.

Kim Gandy, we've talked to her in the past.

Kim Gandy, that's the one that Zolar called once.

Kim Gandy got her like two years ago, right?

And sent her some wine and some flowers and shit like that.

Didn't that happen, I think?

I think I remember that happening.

And then we called the guy later on on this show.

Something like that.

We called the guy later on in this show.

We called her, and we got her husband.

Me and Recklu got the husband, and he was really creepy and shit.

We had a conversation with him.

Remember that?

He sounded like a child molester.

He's like, yeah, I enjoyed your flowers you sent me.

Like, oh, God.

All right, creepo.

Creepy-sounding white guy.

And then Olga Vivas, we've talked to her, too, before in the past.

She apparently accidentally slipped the other day on a video online.

She said the C word on accident.

That's always fun.

Whoops.

I see Lizzy Poo's in the house.

What's up, Lizzy woman?

Welcome.

I see Jill's made it also in.

We've got a lot of people here right now.

Big Bird is in the house.

Prank Master's here, too.

What's up, Prank Master?

He's going by Carlitos.

Carlos sucks KDK's dick, I think he's calling himself or something.

I don't know.

Why would he be mad at me?

I don't know.

See, what happened last night?

I was watching the great, the late, great Dr. Lego.

We were watching his show last time, me and Milkman, on Syndicate Radio.

And Prankmaster came in.

Yeah, he's late.

Oh, he's late.

You know, Prankmaster came in, and he was being, you know, rude.

So I started posting, you know, pictures of Prankmaster in the chat room for everyone to see.

Oh, this is Prankmaster.

Yeah, and he got mad.

Oh.

And he got mad, and he called in.

No wonder.

He called in, and he threatened me or something.

He gets what he gets, right?

So now he's all upset.

that uh you know what we we have our anti-pedophile shield in the house do not worry about it sir

we're not worried about that what no one knows what i'm talking about who fucking cares right

black master who major chaos who adam erlander

all right new new we're gonna do this what else was i gonna talk oh yeah i wanted to mention on

zolar show last saturday i don't know if anybody caught it i don't have a copy of it at all but

But Zolar and I, actually, you know, last week we tried to call that National Association of Fat Acceptance

or the National Association for the Acceptance of Fat People or something like that, you know.

Right.

And Zolar was able to get through and get a room number.

So Zolar immediately was like, yeah, I'm in the middle playing WoW.

And Zolar was like, hey, yeah, Carlito, you know, call in.

I'm like, oh, fuck, I'm in the middle of a mission.

So, you know, I got on my game and I called him.

And we ended up, shut up, Tuck.

It's because you have dial-up and you don't have enough money to pay for a WoW subscription

except for your shit.

Anyway, so regardless, you know, this guy, Zolarna, we end up getting this lady,

what was it, a bottle of Dom and some chocolate-covered strawberries or something like that,

some crazy shit like that.

I forget what it was exactly, but I need to check that out.

I would like to hear that again, but we were successful finally in getting a bite at that place,

So congratulations to us, and congratulations to Zola, who I assume will be on tomorrow night.

The mics are too hot, I understand.

Hollywood Vanya says the meds are kicking in.

Wow.

Awesome.

Nothing wrong with that.

Hollywood, man, call in before you go, you bastard.

Call in, you son of a bitch.

Hollywood Vanya, call in.

Let's do some pranks.

Come back, man.

Call in.

At least do some pranks with us real quick.

Wayne, you want to call in?

We got meds to kick in.

Yeah, man, exactly.

That's the best time to call in.

Shit.

And, yes, if you want to call in, you can.

The toll-free line is 1-888-278-8509.

The toll-free line here tonight is 1-888-278-8509.

Please call in.

And you know what?

I have no Lonesome Loser contact yet, so I'm going to open up the log files here

and make sure we have a nice bank of numbers we can call from last week.

We've got a lot of leftover numbers from then.

I'm certain that we'll answer tonight.

We've got some – oh, we've got a lot of people here.

A lot of U.K. numbers here we can call.

We can call some people that we called last week as well.

I got called, what was it, an American, a dumb American last week, or a stupid American also.

That's always fun, being insulted by British people.

All right, so here we go, everybody.

The National Organization of Women Conference is being held in Bethesda, Maryland, at the Hyatt.

Just a moment, folks.

She looks like she's Caribbean, bro.

She's Dominican.

That's an oxymoron. All Dominicans are black.

Who doesn't know that?

That's not true at all.

Who are the black Latinos, man?

Oh, man, you ought to have been down there.

That's the problem, you see.

They got all flavors, man.

Smoke.

Hey, here is a huge can of Fosters right here going out to you there, manito.

Why don't you shove it up your ass, Smoke, man?

Hello.

Excuse me, hello.

Can you speak with Kim Danny, please?

This is unavailable.

Leave a private recorded message.

You did not leave a message.

I didn't mean to.

You are being transferred, and the Hyatt Regency operator will assist you.

Okay.

All good, please.

Sorry, what was the name?

All good, please.

Sir?

With us, V as in V.

This hotel is so nice.

They always got a pleasure.

The strike got nice to hear in the mouth.

Marky says the buffet is still open.

The highest Regency guest you have called is unavailable.

You may leave a private recording message at the tone or press zero and the highest Regency up.

No, no, you disappoint me, my friend.

We'll try those later.

Let them stew for a little bit.

Give it a moment.

Let's call the U.

Well, let's call here.

Let's call.

We're going to call.

I got some restaurants here to do.

We got some Greek restaurants.

We got a gas station.

You know, we could always play the three-word game.

That's always fun to do, you know.

Give me three words, and I'll try to get the restaurant or the business to say the word.

I will pick one of the three words, and I will get the business or a restaurant, et cetera,

to say the word without me saying it itself.

As in, you know, let's say we have box, car, and knife.

And I would pick box, and my job would be to get that other person to say box

without actually saying the word box.

You know what I mean?

It's fun, actually.

I always rhyme with it, so try it.

Send me the three words and I shall do it, you my friends.

And if not, we'll just do prank calls.

In the meantime, let me see here.

I've got Turks, fish, and chips.

Phoenix, Arizona.

Let's give that a call, everybody.

Enjoy.

Let's get a new song here.

Any recommendations, Milkman?

A song you'd like to hear, sir?

You have any of those Doors cuts I sent you from the last one?

Oh, the Doors?

Okay.

We got three submissions from Dr. Cantaloupe.

Diaper, undergarment, or colostomy bag.

Those are some hard ones.

All right, let me think here.

Diaper, undergarment.

Undergarment, they don't use that.

We've got to pick something that they may say.

I don't think I've ever used the word undergarment.

Colostomy bag might be funny.

Or diaper.

Diaper would be the easy one.

I'm going to go with colostomy bag because it's a little more...

Diaper is easier because I brought my baby in.

He took his shit.

You know why he took his shit in diaper?

Yeah, that's it.

Colostomy bag is a little more challenging.

Undergarment we're never going to get.

So, okay, this is Dr. Cantaloupe's submission here.

We're going to call the Turks Fish and Chips,

and we're going to see if we can get them to say colostomy bag here.

Good luck to us, huh?

Yeah, good luck to us.

I don't want to play that song.

I don't want to play that song either.

We're going to play Hell's Bells, everybody.

A, C, D, C in the mouth.

Enjoy.

One moment, please.

That's right.

That's by the doorways.

That's the one.

Turks Fish and Chips, how can I help you?

Yes, hello.

This is the Fish and Chips place that I've heard so much about.

Good.

You guys are pretty well known in town, right?

Okay, I have a question. I have...

Uncle came in. He's a little older, right? He's a Vietnam vet.

He's got one of those procedures where he's got to have that thing on his side to collect all that stuff.

I know who he is.

Do you know who he is?

Do you think maybe you guys found that somewhere?

No.

You guys don't have that thing?

You know what I'm talking about?

Is it, like, for him to breathe, yeah.

No, no, no, no. It's not for breathing. It's for, like, it collects his, you know, his stuff.

No.

He puts his stuff in the bag.

Fuck, I fucked it up. Son of a bitch. I'm not supposed to say bag.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

You asshole, you made me fuck up.

It's on you.

What's your name?

Um, can I help you with something?

Yeah, you made me mess up, and I'm not going to let you go with that, all right?

Hello?

You made me mess up.

You made me lose a bet.

I lost a bet because of you.

You little, you hussy.

Yes, you.

I still matter.

Fuck, I'm not supposed to say that.

You place a call.

Press one.

I'm going to try it again.

You listen to your recorded calls.

Press...

I'm sorry.

I get upset when I lose games.

I'm like Michael Jordan, man.

I'm all pissed off.

Anyway, let's try it again.

Again, this time without saying bag.

We're going to call Nadia.

We're going to call her a hussy.

That's mean.

I'm sorry.

We're going to call Nadia's Greek cuisine here.

Let's try it again.

Beer.

Crisis.

Beer, you people.

We're going to end the show.

Fuck you.

Fucking message.

All right, let's call instead.

What's the Turkish place that we called last week?

You remember the name of that?

Was this...

No, it was a turquoise Turkish girl.

That's the one we called last week.

Let's call them again.

I don't have their call ready, but that was kind of a funny call.

We talked about pork, and we had a good old time last week with that one on the anniversary show,

which is available over at the website, madhousealot.com.

You did some really good shows for anniversary show, and not the live calls, not, you know, the clips.

The live calls were really, like, spot-on, like, CD-worthy, like, next year anniversary show.

Yeah.

Yeah, who knows?

Maybe some of those calls from the third-year anniversary show will be featured on the fourth-year anniversary show.

We'll find out.

Good deal.

Good point.

All right, hang on, everybody.

Turkish Girl coming back.

Wait a minute.

It was the Empire Turkish Girl.

That's the one we did last week.

That's the one we're going to call now Empire, right?

Yeah, that's the one.

That's the one.

Hang on.

Yeah.

Anything in the news that we should be talking about?

What's been going on?

Obama's going to Europe?

Police?

All three anchors are going with him?

How you doing, buddy?

Pretty good.

I have a question.

My uncle's a Vietnam vet.

You ever heard of that place?

You ever heard of the Vietnam War?

My uncle fought in this war, right, between us and the Japanese in Vietnam that we won.

You remember that war, the Vietnam and the Japan, when we fought them?

Sorry?

May I help you, sir?

Yeah, hi.

My uncle came in and he left that thing that he used to collect.

You know, he comes in and he's got this thing on his side that, you know, for his khaki.

You know what I'm talking about?

Huh?

The jacket?

No, it's not a jacket.

Like, it's this thing that he puts on the side, in the hole in the side of his belly,

and it collects his cocky stuff, you know?

All right.

He was in Vietnam, and he got stabbed with a Japanese guy stabbed him in the side with a bayonet.

And now whenever he goes number two, he does it in this thing, you know?

He doesn't come out of his butt.

I don't mean to talk bad, but he had this thing that he makes,

and he comes out and he changes it out in the toilet every day, you know?

Did you find, can you see, maybe look to see, ask the people if they found it?

What are you going to ask for, though?

I don't think you know what it is.

What exactly are you looking for?

It's this thing that you put on your side that collects the khaki, you know?

You know what khaki is?

Doo-doo feces, you know?

Yeah, if we find something, we will give you a call.

How are you going to know what it is?

Are you a doctor?

Do you know what it is?

What do you call it?

You got to tell me what you call it, man.

Play around.

Come on, man.

Can you come here, sir?

I'd rather not.

Nah, I can't wait, because it could be in your place, it could be at the Wendy's, or it could be at the McDonald's.

And the McDonald's says that they don't carry it there.

No, we didn't find anything.

Sir, if I raped you in the ass, and I broke your asshole, and you couldn't shit out of your ass anymore,

what would you have put on your side so you could shit out of it?

What would you call that?

Okay, good night.

I do not hang up. Don't hang up.

Did I tell him not to hang up? Let's call him back, bastard guy.

New song.

He did.

Yes.

Why the fuck you hang up on me, stupid foreign bastard?

Okay.

You talk to me like that.

I'm sorry.

I lost my temper.

You almost said the F word.

You almost said the F word to me.

Because I'm looking for that thing that you put on the side to go cocky in.

It's my uncle's, damn you.

We don't have it.

If you find it, we'll let you know, sir.

You don't even know what I'm looking for.

You people don't even know how to describe it.

We know what you're looking for, and we will let you know if you find that shit.

You know what you're looking for?

You're looking for a good punch in the cock.

That's what you're looking for, you bastard.

Okay.

What color is it, sir?

what what the bag you made me you made me say you son of a bitch you fucking sneaky turkish bastard

you fucking moron oh my god just pisses me off that fucker

that didn't work

that's a hard one to do man it's hard to do colostomy bag because it's two words and you

You want to say bag.

You're like, you know that thing, that bag?

Oh, fuck, you got me.

That's a challenge, man.

I think we might have to wait.

I'll keep trying it.

Who knows?

Maybe we can do it.

Someone's got to say colostomy bag.

Corrupt says it's brown.

Try another one, dude.

You'll never get that one.

What colors are colostomy bags?

I've never seen one in action.

I think I'd be afraid to look at a colostomy bag.

I'm going to do a Google image.

image image i'm going to do a google image a google image search for colostomy bags now let's

see colostomy how you spell colostomy bag no bad bag b-a-g that's how you spell bag right there we

go let's see what a colostomy bag looks like colostomy ostomy pouching system that's what the

technical term is apparently look some images here oh look at that's nasty there's pictures

about how people get it oh that's kind of freaky hey baz you're uh you're reverbing over there

that's not good uh they look like a safe search on and uh they look like they're they're like

they're like they're white and clear apparently yeah they're not brown enough and they're clear

yeah they're they're clear they're kind of clear they're kind of transparent yeah

Oh, that's nasty.

This shows one person who's actually.

Did they show one that's actually been in use, though?

No, I don't want to see that, Milkman.

That's, ew.

Ew.

They're showing the procedure here?

Okay, that's enough.

That's enough.

The question is, do they grunt?

The question is, when they're using those things, are they grunting?

Yeah.

They're making a look on their face.

They just walk around and smile.

Yeah, do you grunt?

Like, you know, that's a good question.

Turn your search images on.

Facial expressions during usage of colostomy sackage.

If you have a colostomy bag, do you have to go to the bathroom to do a number two,

or do you just walk around?

I mean, I guess you just walk around and do it, right?

Does it still smell like you did a cocky?

No, that's what a colostomy bag is, yeah.

Does it just come out?

I know that one time, man, I was in a bathroom, dude,

and somebody came in with one of them because i mean you could hear like the stuff hitting the

water and like it was like loud and i mean the smell just about killed me i had to leave dude

it was terrible but i couldn't see it because it was in the stall man but i mean it just come out

and just it was oh yeah that's uh because i'm just wondering like did it just ooze out you know

and then you just change it like you know like you would a diaper not a diaper but you know

eventually you just change it like you're changing your oil every every day i took it in

in the stall and was just, like, dumping it, man.

I don't know how it's got a hatch or what, man, but, I mean, he just cut loose, man.

Well, you have to push.

Czar is on the Madhouse website over the Mebo messenger.

He's saying you have to burp the bags, apparently, if they get air or farts in them.

You've got to burp them.

You've got to prime them out, you know.

Well, that must have been what he did, dude.

Like an engine getting flooded out over there.

And there was a smell that just killed.

Oh, my God.

It was worse than cyanide gas, dude.

Oh, jeez.

That's nasty.

Oh, boy.

That was a disgusting moment.

Yeah, no kidding.

I don't want a colostomy bag.

Whatever I got to do not to end up with a colostomy bag, that's what I want to do.

I will suck.

No, I'm not going to go say that.

Oh, boy.

It's late.

Milkman, if you had the option.

I'll stick things in your ass all the time.

If you were under the knife, let's say a doctor puts you under and he said, you know,

let's say he was all alone with you on a surgery.

Let's say you went in to get like some kind of, let's say you went to get an

appendectomy, okay, an appendectomy, get your appendix taken out.

And the doctor said, I'm going to trick you, all right?

You can't move.

You're paralyzed, but you can hear me and you can talk.

So I'm going to give you two options.

Either you start sucking my dick right here or I'm going to make it so you

have to have a colostomy bag.

What would you do?

Would you take a shot in the mouth or would you take the colostomy bag for

the rest of your life?

Milkman, you're up.

What would you do?

I'd take the fucking bag, dude, and I'd sue the motherfucker there and be a

a billionaire bullshit no you wouldn't you wouldn't admit to that where's your proof all

right so milkman would take the colostomy bag over sucking your dick just once apparently

i don't know what i would do yeah man i'd be a billionaire man for malpractice

krupp says using toss they should be biodegradable how would you wash oh yeah how do you wash a

colostomy bag god dang it man that's enough no more colostomy bag talk

Do you want to use that Santa Flux?

You use that Santa Flux shit, the little dude in the boat?

You use that stuff that, you know, the barbers use.

Hey, there's a robot down here, but I'm going to use me.

That blue sanitizing liquid that the barbers use, you know, for the combs and all that stuff, maybe that.

Zara says they attach them to a port.

So they install, like, a port on you or something?

You're like...

On the side.

In your dishwasher.

In your dishwasher?

No, no.

Ooh, no, man.

I wouldn't want to...

I just hose it down outside.

What if you, like, had, like, gnats and flies sort of laying eggs inside of it?

You're walking around with, like, flies all over you.

Oh, man.

Oh, God.

Colossomy Bag Talk here on the Madhouse Radio Show.

Thank God you guys didn't miss this show tonight.

All right, we're going to call someone else in.

We're going to call the My Big Fat Greek Restaurant here.

Let's see if we can get them to say Colossomy Bag, everybody.

Let's give it a shot.

The czar still messaged me, and he says they're disposable.

I guess they're one-time use.

And there's a piece of plastic in your unplugged.

I don't know if I'm offending.

Maybe czar has one himself.

I don't mean to offend you, sir.

Let me know if that's the case, and we'll stop making, we'll take it seriously.

Okay, he says, my wife worked in a nursing home, had a resident with a colostomy bag with infections in it.

Ooh, turns out the resident's husband was screwing her in the colostomy hole.

Oh, fuck that shit.

No way.

That is shit.

Wow.

Okay, New Subject.

That's rad, man.

That is sick, dude.

You get a gold star for that one.

We're in, like, gold stars now.

New Subject.

That is so hot.

That is something else.

They're going to screw you in the Colossus.

That's hot as heck.

That's what that would sound like.

Well, I guess that's just about as good as the old throat hole.

Oh, shit.

I love this show, man.

All right.

Anyway, back on track.

Prank call coming up.

Hang on.

Great restaurant.

That's right.

Right. It blew me in the colostomy back.

Oh, there. I got the answer to the butthole.

Corrupt is calling at the side door.

Okay, I see DTT's in the house. What's up, DTT?

Thank you for tuning in. This is Tiffany.

That's a lot to say, huh? God, that sucks. Do they make you say all that shit?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for saying that. It's a huge word.

Hey, my uncle is a Vietnam vet, and he has one of those things on his side, you know, for the cocky, you know what I mean?

Well, he got bayoneted in the side, right, by a Japanese guy in the Vietnam War.

Right, right.

He got, this Japanese guy came up to him and was like,

what are you talking about, and he like, right in the side.

So he can't, he doesn't do, number two comes out of his side now.

So he has, he has that thing on, on, you know, on the side of him that he has to,

I don't, I don't know what it's called.

He's just telling me he's got, you know what that is, you know what I'm talking about?

I think you're right.

Oh, yeah, well, he, he thinks he left it there, either under the table or in the bathroom.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

No, no, seriously, he left it with, he doesn't know where it is,

and the thing is, he really needs to go, he's holding it in.

Can you ask to see if anybody found it?

I don't know what it's called, it's this thing where you do a number,

you know, like when the number two comes out, but instead of the normal way,

it comes out the side, you know, like the side of his torso,

and it goes in his, like, this pouch kind of thing, you know what I'm talking about?

Who else is there? Maybe you can ask maybe an older person who might have one.

Okay.

Check for flies.

We might have a winner this time, Elkman.

You're getting closer.

There.

We get a professional whipper if she gets it right.

I'm almost out of minutes on this phone card.

I've got to purchase some more minutes here.

Your balance is low.

To add minutes using a credit card, press 1.

Otherwise, press 2 for the main menu.

Hello, hello.

Dude, we've got the international card.

Look at that poetry item.

Unbanned douche.

Your balance is low.

I'm going to have to buy more minutes.

Leave it, leave it, leave it, please.

All right, let me buy some more minutes here real quick on it.

Hey, use the international card, bro.

Well, that's for international numbers.

We do that in the second half of the show, my friend.

Should we take a break?

Let's take a break real quick, and I'll buy some minutes.

It's 11 o'clock.

It's an hour in.

We're halfway through the show.

Hey, Carlito.

Hey, Taco.

Hey, I'm I.M.U.

Huh?

What?

Speaking of toiletry products, unbanned douche, because he's frantically I.M.U. me over here.

Oh, Jesus.

He can talk to you.

Oh, that's all right.

All right, let's just leave him banned, please, man.

It just runs up our bill every month.

Holy shit, man.

It's like comedy gold.

It's just a million months away if you go and ban him.

Okay, all right.

So anyway, let's try this.

I'm going to take a break here real quick.

Four minutes, four or five minutes perhaps.

All you got to do is hit the button called block.

Yeah, that's all I got to do, nigga, is just block it like that.

I'm not an N-word user.

I'm sorry.

I'm trying to be cool.

Dude, you know, Hollywood was in a chat room talking about those two game shows.

I meant to talk about this last week, Wipeout on ABC, I talked about this last week, Wipeout is a great game show, and what is it called, I Survived a Japanese Game Show, both on ABC back to back on Tuesday nights I think, I highly recommend those, if you want to be MXC, Wipeout is at least, so check those out, they're pretty good, and I also wanted to bring up, what was I going to bring up, fuck, another TV show I was going to bring up right now, I forgot it already, never mind, I don't know what I was talking about,

But anyway, in the meantime, oh, that's what it was.

MTV's got this reality show called G's to Gents.

It's like a bunch of G's, you know, a bunch of, like, thug kind of guys,

and they have to become gents.

And that Farnsworth black dude is like that Brian Goble Black guy is doing it.

I think it's got the most potential of all.

I'm not a big reality TV show fan, to be honest with you,

although I do partake in Survivor.

That's one of my guilty pleasures.

but this geez the gents the executive producer is jamie foxx and the farnsworth bentley's in it

and uh dude it's a very interesting show you really need to watch if you haven't seen it's

on mtv i think it's on wednesday nights um very interesting bunch of ghetto dudes and they have

to become like uh like proper brian gumbel black dudes or whatever uh check it out just watch you'll

see what i mean check it out geez the gents on mtv wednesday nights i believe anyway when we come

back we got more prank calls we're gonna try to get someone to say that damn uh fucking

and word that we're going to try to get these businesses to say colostomy bag and add some

more minutes to the card we're also going to unblock douche temporarily so he can call in

and be stupid and also we're going to do some international calls to the uk and we'll also be

trying to get some of those national organization of women chicks on the line they love being called

chicks if you want to call in you can the toll free line is one triple eight two seven eight

8 8 5 0 9 madhouse radio on aol and yahoo instant messenger again on aol and yahoo instant

messenger that's messenger that's madhouse radio and if you're using msn messenger madhouse at

live.com and that's it that is it that is it what happened to my playlist this is not good

my playlist is not working now oh hang on nobody panic there we go now it's working i think oh

this is not there we go there we go where's this go hang on i'm talking to myself there we go

All right, we'll be back in about four or five minutes, everybody.

Don't go anywhere.

Madhouse Radio.

Radio, radio, radio.

Baz, it's your birthday.

Do I understand you have a birthday coming up, or you had a birthday or something?

No.

I think that's douche just being douche.

Yeah, nice try, douche.

Now you're banned again.

You know what, douche?

I'm hitting it right now.

I'm not sure.

September.

There you go.

Douche just got banned again.

Yeah, that's what you get for being a troublemaker, sir.

Learn your lesson.

Okay, and the next prank call tonight is coming up.

We're calling the, what else do we got here?

Here we go.

Hy-Vee Gas in Dubuque, Iowa.

This one goes out to the bad boys of Iowa who are listening tonight.

Just a moment, folks.

I'll

show this Saturday afternoon, but something came up.

She's not going to be working Saturday.

This is Dennis. Can I help you?

Hey, Dennis, what's going on there, big guy?

How much?

Did he say they're Big Dennis?

Big Dennis, how you doing there, Dennis?

Hey, this is Valente.

I was wondering, my uncle was in there earlier,

and he thinks he might have left something in the restroom.

Could you possibly go in there and check to see if it's there?

Oh, and my other guy in here, what, what?

I don't know what it's called exactly.

It's like, you know, he was in Vietnam, right?

And he got bayoneted, he got bayoneted in the side.

So, like, when he does the cocky, you know, it doesn't come out in the bag.

It comes out, like, in the side.

Okay.

So, it comes out in his thing, you know?

I don't know what you call the thing, but that's, that's what it comes out in, you know?

Okay, one second.

You know what I'm talking about?

He's close.

Close. Oh, he's close. He said colonoscopy.

He said it. He said it. He said it.

No, he didn't talk. He said colonoscopy bag. That's not the one.

Sorry, we've got to have a strict...

Okay, he's checking, sir. Just a second.

All right. What did you tell him to look for?

A colonoscopy bag.

No, that's not it. Close. Come on, man.

It kind of sounds like that, but it's something else.

I know it. You're a smart guy. Come on.

He'll see if there's anything unusual sitting there.

In there, he'll find out.

Oh, man. You sound a little winded.

Nothing unusual. There's nothing unusual in the restroom, sir.

What do you mean there's nothing unusual in the restroom?

This is not unusual or nothing to be embarrassed about.

No, no, no. No, he didn't find anything there.

Did you ask him to look for the shit bag?

Yeah.

The shit sack? He didn't find the shit sack there?

No, he did not.

Well, you didn't tell him. You told him a...

What was it? A colonoscopy bag.

What type of...

Stupid asshole. It's a colostomy bag, man.

I'm never going to get out of this fucking game tonight.

You stupid...

Okay.

You horse's asshole.

Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to knock that...

You're a jerk-off is what you are, so you ruined my night.

All right, there we go.

God damn it.

I thought we finally had it, man.

Jeez.

It was close enough.

No.

Close enough.

That's close enough, I guess.

So we're going to...

That's basically what it was.

Perhaps another day we'll do the colostomy.

We'll keep the one for next week.

You know, it's not a colostomy.

No one's going to say that.

It's not a colostomy.

It's the same fucking thing.

You get it.

You're right.

You get it.

Colostomy bag is hard.

Who knows what you...

Go to another subject, and you'll be on the Colostomy Bag Show if you keep going.

This is the Colostomy Bag Special here, everybody.

Madhouse Radio Colostomy Special.

Colonoscopy Bag.

All right, everybody.

Smell it out.

Smellers.

That's the name of the, if you ever take it, put it on there.

All right, so it's the Colostomy Special, now the Colostomy Special.

That's right, man.

Jeez.

All right, well, if you guys want to submit your three words to me, go ahead and do that now.

You can do so in the chat room or send it to me on one of the instant messengers

or over at madhouselive.com.

Three words.

Give me three words, and I'll pick one of them, one of their three words,

and try to get the unwilling prank call victim to say it without me saying it first.

It's a fun time, as you've seen, at least a lot of conversation and whatnot and so forth.

What else?

Something has been going on in the news.

I know there's got to be something wacky that happened.

What happened?

Oh, yeah, Cuba.

You know, we talk about Cuba a lot here.

We're always, you know, we stay on top of the Cuba crisis here, the ongoing embargo.

Apparently Venezuela, who actually, Miss Venezuela just won the Miss Universe pageant,

if that's even significant anymore.

But Miss Venezuela, well, rather the country of Venezuela is going to be,

they're laying down a fiber optic pipe, fiber optic line from Venezuela,

from Caracas all the way to Cuba.

And Cuba is going to be getting normal Internet access, apparently, coming up in about a year.

So that's a pretty good thing.

Those people are going to be able to...

I've said for a long time, you know, if the Cuban people were afforded the ability to have American influence,

American dollars come in, American tourists visit their country and spend U.S. dollars and influence our culture upon them,

they would see the benefits of our way of life of our social system of our capitalist system as

opposed to their social socialist system and they might be more inclined to you know look for change

that's all i gotta say well apparently the cubans cubans are getting internet pretty soon

we have a skype caller here and as soon as this is douché

what are you doing i just did you got through it in you i do you for a prank call who do you

Who do you want to prank call, douche?

The dad.

The dad? I don't know the dad's phone number.

You do. I know you do.

Let me see if I do.

All right, give me a second. Let me connect you with the dad, okay?

This guy.

Let me see him.

The dad's going to insult him. Watch this.

...available to take your call.

A message. Thank you for...

The dad. He's gone. He's not there.

He's drunk or sleeping, you know.

It's pretty late for you to be calling, bothering the dad.

Putting us up to bother the dad.

Yeah, I'll give you one more shot.

John, I'm going to put you through to Christopher McDonald, okay?

Okay.

All right.

Christopher McDonald.

Hello, Mr. Kasha.

Thank you for calling.

Lead call.

Hello.

Where'd Douche go?

I'm right here.

I don't know.

I thought we lost Douche.

No, we didn't.

I'm here.

Douche?

Look what happened to Douche.

Well, it was really exciting.

I think Milbank cut Douche off.

They just spent over five minutes.

Yeah, I think so, too.

We lost him, man.

Well, Brad.

Five minutes of time.

Well, Douche, if you're listening, you're more than welcome to call back in.

The toll-free line is 1-888-278-8509.

Once again, that's 1-888-278-8509.

Does anybody else want to call in tonight, except for Douche?

Yeah, that was one of the best calls of the night.

That was one of the best calls of the night.

I agree.

Excellent.

Very excellent call, yeah.

He's magic every time.

I got Douche's phone number here.

I got his personal phone number here.

Should I get that out?

He's got some Skype numbers.

Yeah, if he wants to call.

Well, yeah, we want to call in on 800, and I'm wearing...

He's a manic person, you know.

I had to do something wrong the whole time.

Hey, give me a second here, folks.

I'm going to do the next call of the night.

Just a moment, folks.

We're going to work.

We're calling back the person from last week that called me a stupid American.

Please say something.

This is a big, retarded show tonight, isn't it?

This could be close enough.

That's like a very old message.

All right, we're not going in there with that.

We just hit the train wreck tonight, folks.

All right, let's call.

Let's try calling Jawed Butt.

B...

Muhammad Butt.

That's the one I want to call.

Here we go.

Muhammad Butt.

This one came in last week.

We'll try it again.

I'm sure it'll work.

Do you have any numbers from that conference,

or have we got any numbers at all that are live for that?

We can try the conference again.

Let me...

Who sent that?

Nunu, was it?

Nunu went offline.

Did you get any good numbers?

Well, I mean, I got the one number.

I mean, the main number for the damn place,

but no one answered there when I called.

There we go.

There he is.

There we go.

Okay.

All right.

We're going to call.

Let's try to see if we can get through to the national organization.

the women thing hang on folks one moment this is such a cool video for that song ancient history

that was like 97 90 ready speak with kim hold on one moment all right would you like me just to try

anyone or do you know the room number try anyone because i'm not sure hold on one moment oh you

didn't say it she didn't say her pleasure push it right here you want to party with me

see all is that available complete transferred and the highest regency operator will assist you

Good news, that didn't work.

Aren't you supposed to say it's like your pleasure or something?

My pleasure to connect to you?

Yeah, I like it when you say that.

Would you like me to try the second room?

Yeah, sure.

Say it, though.

Okay, hold on.

Say it.

One minute, my pleasure to connect to you.

Let's try this one.

She knows what I'm talking about, ladies.

She knows what I'm talking about.

Regency guest you have called is unavailable.

You did not leave a message.

I didn't mean to, bitch.

The Hyatt Regency operator will assist you.

You are being transferred, and the Hyatt Regency operator will assist you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, thanks.

Don't forget to say it, though.

Call that one.

That's not it.

Professor, can I see you?

Yes.

Kim!

This is Valente.

How are you, sweetheart?

Please fucking shit fucking...

All that work to do that.

You don't sound like a lesbian.

Come on.

I'm gonna call back.

You're suggesting that I use an effeminate voice?

Makes sense if I turn on the red light.

How many talking normally?

A sandwich of 15 minutes?

Monkey food there.

Hell yeah.

Cheese and mayonnaise.

He's weird.

He's weird, man.

Hi, Brittany.

I need to speak with Kim, please.

Thanks, darling.

I do want to apologize for using the C word.

All the ladies, there's a lot of ladies who are watching and listening right now,

and I just, you know, I want to apologize for that.

This is not a transfer.

This is something else that's going on.

Well, you know, it's just not fair.

She needs to pay for these pizzas.

Get this woman on the line.

Come on, this fucking cunt.

Oops, I did it again.

I didn't know that.

Holy shit.

Awesome, that's my girl.

She's cool.

Are you in the syndicate room right now?

Who's this white girl in the bed?

You see the white girl on cam number four in the bed laying down with the hair all over the place. Yeah

Yeah, very good. Yeah her cat's hot. She looks like that girl. Yeah, she's got a cute kitty

I want to feel that kitty

I want to feel that kitty all day

I love cute kitty

Front desk someone needs to pay for these pizzas with the National Organization of Women

My name is Kim

I'm the president and someone needs to pay for these pizzas

Pizzas are in my belly.

Someone called over here and sent me several pizzas to my room,

and we ate them, and now they're saying that they're not paid for.

What's your room?

I have several rooms.

Will you please connect me at once to my room?

My husband is there, and he will need to pay for the pizzas.

Okay.

Really?

Well, yeah.

I mean, someone asked if, you know, where I come from,

we pay for pizzas after we eat them.

You know, you eat, and you get a bill for everything you eat,

and then you make a payment with money.

Okay, so...

I don't know how things are in Saipan or Saigon, wherever you come from.

Did you already eat the pizza?

Yes, I did, but you need to pay for...

Are you the kind of person who goes to the pizza place and eats a pizza and then leaves without paying?

Okay.

Well, if you ate the pizza, you might need to pay for it,

but it's not acceptable for you calling this property and making obscene phone calls and prank calls.

you need to go to sleep and uh this is unacceptable i'm gonna put a trace on your call right oh a

trace i'm so scared you bring it on come on you immigrant bring it on come on what's my number

you tell me now i challenge you to trace my number you got nothing better to do you need

to go to sleep good night you need to get your green card check your papers out all right good

showed him a lesson didn't i he told you then yeah he got me fuck we're traced we're ruined man

Oh, it's now being traced by AT&T Security and Call Tracing Network.

You will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

Oh, we're screwed.

Fuck, that's it.

Sorry, Dino, man.

We're traced, man.

We are traced.

Trace ed.

Oh, I love it.

Listen, I wonder what that sounded like in the female voice.

Let's go to the archive real quick and check that out.

Stand by, everybody.

Madhouse Instant Replay, as we like to call it.

Yeah, that's right.

Yes, I did.

Everyone who's listening, thank you for listening.

We're wrapping up the show here pretty soon, pretty soon eventually.

This is Madhouse Radio on syndicateradio.tv, 98.6 The Mouth.

Premier terrestrial radio station here in your town if you're listening to us.

I want to let you all know that Rush Limbaugh is on, of course, tomorrow afternoon.

Of course, we have Imus in the morning on this station.

This is Carl Leder here taking the night shift, 98.6 The Mouth.com.

Everyone, be sure to check that out.

We're going to be giving out 300 full tanks of gas at the mobile station on 22nd and Apple.

Be sure you check that out, everybody.

And that's brought to you by 98.6 The Mouth and your local mobile dealer.

98.6.

I don't qualify.

I can go over there and affect less than.

Milkman will be down there in the manhouse mobile Mercedes also, I understand.

That's right.

I need to speak with Kim, please.

Oh, that sounds so unbelievable.

I want to hear the guy.

Helium girl.

Dad, no one needs to pay for these pizzas.

I'm sorry?

I'm with the National Organization of Women.

My name is Kim.

Yes.

I'm the president, and someone needs to pay for these pizzas.

Where's the pizza?

The pizzas are in my belly.

The pizzas are in your belly?

Someone called over here and sent me several pizzas to my room,

and we ate them, and now they're saying that they're not paid for.

What's your room number?

I have several rooms.

Will you please connect me at once to my room?

My husband is there, and he will need to pay for the pizzas.

Okay.

Your husband is in the room, and would you like to pay for the pizza that's in your belly?

Oh, yeah.

Someone has to, you know, where I come from, we pay for pizzas after we eat them.

You know, you eat, and you get a bill for everything you eat,

and then you make a payment with money.

Okay, so you already ate the pizza?

I don't know how things are in Saipan or Saigon, wherever you come from.

Did you already eat the pizza?

Yes, I did, but you need to pay for it.

Are you the kind of person who goes to the pizza place and eats the pizza

and then leaves without paying?

Okay, well, if you ate the pizza, you might need to pay for it,

but it's not acceptable for you calling this property

and making obscene phone calls and phone calls.

calls you need to go to and uh this is unacceptable i'm going to put a trace on your call right now

you bring it on come on you immigrant bring it on come on what's my number you tell me now i

challenge you to trace my number you got nothing better to do you need to go to sleep good night

you need to get your green card and check your papers out all right good all right that was fun

why do people fall for this oh man everyone's in the i'm not gonna hey four levels i had to

to pot up the levels there for a little bit yeah that reminds me of the dr nargis calls where like

those these like i like spoof card and everything it's good because it records the call for me

instantly i can play it and i can change my caller id to whatever i want it to be but the

the voices on there you know like the female voice and the male voice are so unbelievable

they really are of no use other than just to really fuck with somebody like yeah it's very

yeah at least yeah yeah they're not good voices by any stretch of the means they don't do a good

Good job with the voice changer, but it's still kind of, you know, still kind of funny.

Not bad.

Look at that black guy that you did over the voice changer.

The black guy.

The nice thing about it is you couldn't tell that it was actually Carlito with a female voice.

It changes your voice to where it's unrecognizable.

That sounds, curiously enough, it sounds just like my mom.

Yeah, it's good doing that.

Yeah, and Wakenbake says, if I try talking like a female, it will sound better.

Yeah, probably.

You're right.

right, like a hot female.

Speaking of the black guy voice,

let's listen to that. This one's from last night.

I prank called Dr. Lego live on the show.

Can you imagine Zolar doing his

voice over that card?

Hello!

That one he does, yeah. Let's listen to Dr. Lego

last night when I called him.

Oh my god, that would be scary.

And he hangs up on me.

Lego's such a pissy guy sometimes.

He gets so upset.

I guess Lego has a new

toll-free line like we do here, you know.

You know, and he got a little pissy when I told him to hurry it up.

Oh, you were calling Legos, is that what it was?

Yeah, but then I called normal, you know, we had fun with Prankmaster.

We did a prank call.

I think we did a prank call last night.

Anyway, okay, well, one last prank call here.

Is Prankmaster still in the chat?

I don't think so.

No, he's gone.

Oh, yeah, he threatened me last night.

He's like, you know, I guess somebody out there, I don't know who you were,

But whoever went to some gay chat room to give out Prankmaster's AOL Instant Messenger to people,

apparently someone out there was giving out his scream name to gay people to chat with him about hooking up.

And they were, like, harassing him or something.

He got really pissed off.

He thought it was me.

And he started saying, yeah, keep doing it.

Bring it on.

Yeah.

You're really fucking clever.

I'm going to get you even more.

Yeah.

I was like, ah.

I'm going to sit on you.

Yeah, probably.

I'm going to sit on you.

Like that transvestite, yeah.

All right, man.

I'm going to sit on you, bro.

We're out of time.

It's midnight.

Let's do one more prank call.

You're going to make me jump on high.

Well, this is an important reason for me to keep doing the show.

We've got, well, how many listeners we got here?

64 plus 16 plus 6.

We've got any international numbers?

Any good international numbers?

22, 80.

We've got 86 total listeners here today.

That's not bad.

Listening right now.

Thank you, everybody.

Not bad.

Sure, let's call Muhammad.

Some of them are probably from the mucksticky.com chat.

There's a show now, and I've been promoting the show tonight over there.

So welcome, if any of you guys are here.

Welcome, Mucksticky fans.

Please come back.

And fuck Walmart, man.

Mucksticky's my friend now, and I came from everywhere else, except for Walmart.

Bad stuff on Walmart.

Yes, sir.

Well, all right, well, let's move right along.

Let's do a few more prank calls here.

Walmart rocks.

Lizzy Poo, you don't know.

You better watch it.

We are not fans of Walmart on this show.

I have ranted many times against Walmart.

Everyone go to walmartwatch.com.

Right now you'll see what I'm talking about.

Evil, evil store.

Destroying America.

No, I'm kidding.

Actually, I'll tell you what.

When I first started doing this show, I was very anti-Walmart.

I was very anti this.

I've actually come to appreciate Walmart.

I actually shop at Walmart on a monthly basis now,

as opposed to when I used to go once a week.

I was very anti-Walmart for a few years,

and then I realized, you know what?

That's just the way capitalism works.

The top dog, the best, whoever can offer things the cheapest usually wins out,

and that's really the way that the American way is supposed to be here.

That's the way our society is.

You can't hate the people, and actually they have done some good things,

and as hard as it is to admit that Walmart has done some good things for the American people,

people, they have kind of led the way as far as medicine is concerned, prescription medicine

being very affordable now for older people and for myself because I can actually get

my diabetes meds and the sort much cheaper than I used to be able to all thanks to Walmart.

And the thing is because Walmart lowered their prices, Kmart and Target and Walgreens and

all the others.

Target's got a good program, too.

Yeah.

Well, they all followed suit.

When Walmart dropped theirs, they had no choice.

They had to drop their own also.

So let's, like, get into the anti-Walmart rhetoric, you know, just whatever.

Do your own research.

Walmart isn't all that good, but they aren't all that bad either.

It's just the way things happen.

All right, deal with it.

They ought to call it China Mart.

Oh, you know what?

I don't know if I talked about this before last week, but I went to my first Ikea store.

last week, over the weekend.

I don't know if any of you, I don't know if

Tucker... Oh, dude, I'm right behind one over here, yeah.

Dude, Ikea is the bomb,

man. I got a desk lamp,

I got a toilet seat. It is huge.

And I got a knife set from Ikea.

That is a huge, yeah, it's huge,

man. And they got Swedish

sugar. They got Swedish meatballs.

It's big here, man. People love that place.

Dude, that place is awesome. It is

very well done. I'm thinking, I'm telling

Athena we should get, you know, our writing register.

This year, we were thinking about doing Target and Bed, Bath & Beyond.

And I'm saying, you know, fuck Target.

Let's just do Ikea and Bed, Bath & Beyond, man.

Yeah, that's a monster here, too, man.

Yeah, Ikea, that's a huge store.

Both of those places are really overblown, man.

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

And the cantaloupe's in there.

You can see this thing, like, for miles away.

It's so big.

It is.

It is huge.

It's bigger than the Super Walmart.

It's like a two-story Super Walmart.

Oh, yeah.

Dr. Cantaloupe says...

Yeah, it's a couple stories, man.

The Linzer berry sauce is great.

You know what?

I tell you what.

I got those Swedish meatballs, and I mixed that sauce, that gravy they put on it,

with the mashed potatoes, with the berry sauce, and I mixed it up,

and I cut the meatballs in half, and I was dipping.

Oh, man, it was so good.

I had a great time in Ikea.

I spent like three hours in that store.

And they got so much furniture there, as far as I can see.

If you guys have never been to Ikea before, I recommend it, man.

man. That's an afternoon right. I would say if you if you smoke a big yellow sign, if

I was still a pot smoker, I would definitely be into, you know, getting really high and

just going to Ikea and spend like five hours touching and licking everything, man. It'd

be a fun, fun time. You know what I might do? I might actually go in the parking lot

and drink a six pack of beer and then go on an Ikea and hang out for a while. I think

I might have fun doing that. I might do that Saturday. Matter of fact, you want to check

Check that out.

All right, anyway.

Yeah, I got a huge one about one mile from my house.

Yeah?

Awesome place.

That's awesome.

Yeah, that's a fun store to go to, man.

Okay, anyway, let's go.

Come on, more prank calls, more prank calls.

The people want pranks.

We're going to call the UK here again.

This is Mohamed Butt, B-U-T-T.

One moment, please.

See the back of your card.

We should have called Dolphus Cotton.

Don't talk to that guy.

Is this Mohamed, or is Mohamed there?

No, he's calling.

This is Valente.

Calling with the Palestinian Liberation Organization.

How are you?

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

I'm with the Palestinian Liberation Organization.

How are you?

Yes, all right.

I don't know.

I'm here.

I'm homeless.

Bye.

What the fuck did you say?

Ma'am?

Yes, he's not leaving yet.

Oh, who's this?

Is this Ms. Butt?

Yes.

Oh, did Muhammad leave?

No, he's not leaving.

He's gone out.

Oh, I think I know what happened.

He went to Kandahar, didn't he?

Where is that?

He's training, right?

Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

I know where he's at.

That's okay.

Well, maybe I can come over and take care of you while he's out of town.

You know what I mean?

He told me to come take care of you while he was gone.

But, salam alaikum, answer.

Salam.

It's a high rebutton now.

It's a high rebutton.

Did you hear her?

She said, no, he's homeless now.

No, he's homeless now.

He's homeless now.

Instant replay.

Instant replay on that?

No thing?

Yeah, instant replay.

Seriously, Milken?

All right, let me check.

98.6.

No.

Where's he at?

Well, maybe I can come over and take care of you while he's out of town.

You know what I mean?

No, we missed it, Milkman.

Too late.

Too late, brother man.

Sorry.

Next time.

Next time we'll catch the replay.

Good try.

Catch it on the podcast, people.

You know what I mean?

Anyway.

Okay.

It's a higher up button.

Hang on, everybody.

Hello, if I'm imposing, if anybody, if G-Wiz or anybody else needs to go on tonight, let me know.

I'll go off.

I mean, this hasn't been the best of shows, but we're, you know, still having a decent time.

Better than just, better than just nothing.

But if anybody wants to give it a good old shot, good old shot at fisting the old lady here.

let me know i will gladly give the floor just make sure you do one finger at a time

you don't just go fist all at once one finger at a time i have some scout problems man i think

i'm going blind no joke in sexy space jinx hello what's up oh my god hello oh my god yes hello

yes are you okay there's a problem there's a problem yes you need to get all your clothes

Put all your clothes in the bag immediately, please.

All my clothes in the bag?

Yes, put all your clothes in the bag immediately and step outside,

and you need to take the garden hose and wet down your house.

And wet down my house?

Yes, you need to put water all over your house with your garden hose.

You can even urinate on it if you need to.

Just a minute.

Okay.

Okay, I'll put down my clothes, put on my clothes and come down.

Okay, please hurry up.

Okay.

I don't know what else to say.

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times.

I'm going to hell.

I'm going to hell for this Madhouse show.

Poor lady.

She's all scared.

She's like, hello.

Hello.

Let's listen to that again.

You're not keen on for something bad to happen.

You're just paying for what you wanted.

Yeah.

I'm an old lady.

What's up, kid?

Okay, I'll put down my coat and come down.

Okay, please hurry up.

Okay.

All right, there it is.

She's putting on her clothes as we speak.

Oh, man, you better hope she doesn't, like, trip and fall down.

Let me call her back and calm her down.

Calm her down.

Hang on.

I don't want her to go outside.

Close the false alarm.

I got the wrong house.

I got the wrong butt.

Enter your authorization code now.

Yeah, he was supposed to be the neighbor.

Jesus.

You meant to call hairless butt, not hairy butt.

You have $8.15.

Please enter your destination number now.

I have to keep you worried, don't I?

15 minutes.

You're supposed to leave the city.

For this call, for applicable fee, your card.

Same, the same.

Alcoholic.

What's taking so long?

I have to change.

No, no, just calm down without your card.

What do you have on right now?

She already hung up.

Changing.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I could be I could be like I could be a sniper out there waiting for to come out

and do like

Fuck me.

All right.

I'm going to do what's stuck in my ass.

Give me five minutes.

While we wait for her to put her clothes on and turn on the garden hose and wet down her house,

we're going to call someone else instead.

We're going to call Ian Goddard.

I must put on my deep end before I come down the stairs.

Hang on, folks.

Another prank call is coming up.

The UK ones always bring us back into the light at the end of the show.

Always a good time to call there.

They're in a big haze, and they're waking up like,

I'm like, huh?

Madhouse, dude.

Mad who?

Come on, phone.

Don't start this shit with me now.

And a big welcome to Whitney, who's new to the show.

Welcome to this, whatever it is.

Hope you don't get upset.

We've been calling women the C word tonight.

What else are we doing, Milkman?

Tell Whitney.

Oh, man.

We've been calling all kinds of people.

We called a looking for a lost colostomy bag.

That's right.

We had a big special for that.

Carly also had a big smoke-off contest.

Turkey.

And Tuck lost.

And Tuck Lawyer, he always loses.

You haven't been able to tune in.

You need to tune in every week.

That's what you miss, Winnie.

You've got to tune in every week.

That's right.

We're going to have Cheeky Tom on also.

Three hours, 13 minutes, 51 seconds for this call.

Lizzie, you said it's Lauren earlier.

Say what's up to all the ladies.

I remember a few weeks ago we issued a challenge.

We should have challenged more ladies on the show.

Hey, what's going on, Ian?

How you doing there, boss?

Did you wake up?

What the punk?

He definitely hung up that pump as best.

There was a call.

That lady back in Korea, it's all okay now.

What was the UK call recently that I think Jin did it where the guy got like really,

like the British guy was like going off on him for a while.

You know what I'm talking about?

Jin was like, I'm with the fire brigade or something.

You remember that?

That was really weird.

Let me see if I can pull that off the forum.

I think, what's his face?

I think Hollywood posted that in the Madhouse forums.

And if you don't know what I'm talking about, that's over at madhouselife.com.

Let's see here if I can find that.

Jane accuses a woman of being an alien.

I don't think that's it.

Jen Stewart calls an Indian restaurant.

I don't think that's it either.

Hmm, let me see.

I think he was putting him in weird places here.

Let's see, general.

Just a moment, folks.

We're going to call that crazy lady again.

Don't worry.

I know you guys are excited about that.

I don't see it here at all.

Hollywood Vanya calls a 99, 98-year-old woman.

Whatever.

Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.

I don't see it here.

here. Maybe, perhaps it was never isolated. I don't know. Whatever. Who cares? Okay. Let's

just start wrapping up things here, okay? It's already 12.15. It's getting late. Hey,

man. Take a look at camera number three. Yeah, that's Lizzie. I know her. I'm tired

of her already. God, come on. I've ogled her quite a bit. Trust me, man. I've taken care

of her. I don't see no purple top, though. I thought Carlos had to wear, yeah, that's

what I am. That's what's going on. I gotta wear my UK hat. That's right. Captain Carlos

is here. That's right. There we go. That's right. That's what the problem's been all

and I haven't had the fucking hat on.

Let's see if it gets better with the hat on.

Let's call Tahira Butt again with the hat on.

I wonder about Nunu sometimes.

How old is he?

Is he straight?

Does he have a girlfriend?

Does he live at home?

Interesting guy, that guy.

Don't know much about him.

I think he's bad if he's gay or nothing.

No, he's the mayor of Wankershire, England.

He's actually the king of Wankershire, England.

What's a wanker?

What's that?

3 hours, 12 minutes, 39 seconds

For this call, for applicable fees

It's probably my age, I'd say like 27, 28

There's also a white man over there in the UK

Maybe a little bit younger

More like 67, I think is what he is

Maybe around 67

We'll give her another few minutes

See if she can come back inside

Another funny prank

Yeah, she's outside running around the flat

yeah she's outside waiting down her house uh another funny call i don't know if you guys

remember but g was here a few uh two or three weeks ago he we called the uk together and he

had the one i already mentioned this but i want to really hear it again i want to isolate it so

i can play it some other time but uh g was asked the lady you know how do you how long does it take

to do a soft boiled egg or something like that listen you're calling the uk he's like what the

The U.K.

Like, it almost sounds like some drunk American who just started drunk dialing numbers

and suddenly got through the U.K. or something.

Okay, let's call it Jowett Butt.

We got another butt here coming.

Where is Lonesome Loser, man?

It's a good thing we had all these leftover numbers from last week,

or we'd be up a shit creek without a paddle, whatever the hell you say,

whatever those black dudes say.

Jowett Butt.

Hang on, everybody.

We got to play some different music.

Jowett!

Let's play some Hindu music here.

Let's play some of that Bombay music.

That's what I'm talking about.

I was talking, man.

I was having a conversation.

You know what I'm saying?

You have still got to put it to go order.

Yeah, you go check them out.

Do what you got to do.

I was talking.

Seriously, though.

The side guy was mentioning that KDK is like, the other day, he's like, oh, Carlito.

You know, KDK says his music that he plays is better than Carlito's music.

I'm like, he plays like punk music.

He plays like the same five songs in rotation.

And I'm like, fuck you, woman.

Take my order.

I'm not talking to you.

I'm talking to the people who are listening to the show.

You understand?

superstar. I'm a radio

superstar, and I call people

and I harass them, okay?

That's what I do. That's my M.O.,

all right? She already hung up. Whatever.

I was talking about

KDK. This guy...

I don't know what the hell he was about.

Phone line. Anyway,

Joseph's call back is Chris. Yeah, I'll do that.

All right, hang on. Here's the

egg question. Thanks, Baz. That was a really

quick action. You the man.

Albert Jeeves.

Albert Jeeves, everybody.

We're on a roll here, man.

We're not stopping until the train dies.

We're going to go.

We're going to derail this bunch.

Call Lizzie.

Yeah, Lizzie.

Call in, Lizzie, girl.

I have no idea what that is.

I don't.

And where are you calling from?

Calling from...

She answered your question, at least.

I like to rub them on my chest.

Interesting.

All right, G-Wiz, whatever you say.

I think there's something hidden there.

Thanks, man, Baz.

That was perfect.

Dude, I had a fiending.

I had a fiending for some G-Wiz, and Baz came through.

Man, you satisfied me.

No problem, man.

You satisfy my soul, Baz.

I love you.

I aim to please.

I aim to please, ladies.

All right.

Anyway, we're calling Frank.

The bad boys of Iowa want us to call Frank.

Yeah, whatever.

Frank, here we go.

I never turned you, Frank.

Never.

I couldn't decide.

He's an asshole.

Look at this phone cord.

It's all this happens.

What this self-discovery make this not happen?

What I'm talking about when it gets all tangled up?

Let's look the other way now.

This ought to work.

Hello?

This is Frank.

I got your information here through your IP address, buddy.

Don't hang up on me.

You're going to be in a whole worse trouble than you are in the beginning.

Jack or Jake?

Jake.

Well, my fault.

You know, you guys have these common names.

Look, man, I am tracing down telemarketers.

I have reason to suspect that you've been calling people.

You called my house here asking for some type of service or something like that.

And I'm calling back to speak to you.

You're not supposed to take me off your do-not-call list, man.

Why'd you call me off the do-not-call list?

What's up with that?

Do you know the 1996 Helms-Burton Act says that you're personally responsible if you call my mom and she's on the do not call list?

Do you remember that? Did you read up on that? Because I show here, you boss show me right here, look, I got the paper right here that you signed when you first got hired that says right here, look, I agree to abide by the Helms-Burton Act and will not call any individuals and I am responsible for calling people on the do not call list.

What do you got to say to that, Jake?

Jake, how do you plead?

Guilty or not guilty?

Uh, sir?

I called several numbers here.

And more specifically, we're talking about the number for Wanda Lewis, my mother.

I am Valente Lewis.

And I traced your number down.

I spoke to your boss.

And he gave me your home number here where I could reach you tonight.

Your boss sold you out, Jake.

He sold you out, man.

Oh, you're going down, Jake.

Wanda Lewis?

I called Wanda Lewis, selling some type of service to her.

and she's on the do not do not list you know what that means sir man so why did you call her why'd

you call why'd you call well you called her that's that's the whole point you're not supposed to call

people you don't know especially if they're on the list that says you don't call them make me

so angry you make me so angry i don't well it's me and you man you know what i'll tell you what

you cut me a check and you can keep your job your check cut me a check i'll tell you what i got

I got this wonderful vacation package, and I'm going to give it to you

if you cut me a check right now for, let's say, $200.

Wanda Lewis.

Let's trace the number down, too.

We sold you out, dude.

Lori and your boss sold you out.

So, tell you what.

You cut me a check for $200.

I'm going to give you this vacation package, a beautiful package,

free Port Bahamas, two days, three nights.

Okay, if you're doing it, I thought.

Ignorance of the law is no excuse.

You know what?

once said hey man hey boy he told me your tent is too dark and i said man i bought it from the

deal like this and he said ignorance of the law is no excuse you know what he did to me he tased me

he tied me up he stuck the canine dog on me in the back seat of the car and he he put a cucumber

up my asshole who's out there i think we were both winners in that case but regardless you

gotta cut me a check for two hundred dollars or you're gonna lose your job what's more important

and you get $200, you know what, you give me $200, you go, you take two days, two, three

days off, you go on your Freeport, you get yourself a nice Freeport lady, buy yourself

some cheap jewelry.

Like, nothing happened, brother.

Come on.

Called Wanda Lewis, my mom.

That's right.

I'm Valente.

That's right.

I don't know Wanda Lewis.

You called her, didn't you?

Sir, I really, I would rather not have phone numbers over the phone, because all you're

going to do is you're going to sell her information off to someone else who's going to call her

back.

I know how these things start.

You called Wanda Lewis.

Perhaps you thought you were calling somebody else.

Maybe you dialed the wrong number.

But you called Wanda Lewis, sir, and she's on the do not call list,

so you made a big mistake, and it's a federal offense.

Federal offense that you committed, sir.

President Bill Clinton signed this into law.

You're not supposed to call these people when they have specifically said you do not call them.

When you call them, I call you.

I am the lawyer, man.

I have a briefcase.

I have 20-20 vision.

And I have a band that does not miss, man.

And when I hit, I hit hard.

You know what I'm saying?

I don't miss in the court.

I don't ever miss.

Four federal judges on my payroll, bitch.

I will bring you down.

Miss Wanda Lewis, man.

Miss Wanda Lewis spoke to you.

It was sometime around the dinner hour, man.

Sometime around the dinner hour.

Yeah, you know.

No, no, no.

Previously, sir.

Previously.

In the last few days.

Within the last few days.

Sir, do you have your check-in account information with you?

I'm not going to give you that.

Oh, well, you call people asking for their check-in account information.

Why can't I call you for it?

Because I don't do that.

I don't.

So what do you call?

Oh, I'm going to send you this for free.

Send me a money order.

What do you do?

Yeah.

I call.

I talk to them.

You're going on a vacation?

This way, are you?

I'm on vacation.

Let me tell you what.

Are you interested in having sexual relations with other women?

Does that interest you?

There are women?

So you don't like sex with women?

You like sex?

Oh, and there's men there, too, maybe, that, you know, are into that kind of thing.

They have that there, too.

A woman already, then.

Relationship?

If you and me maybe want to, you know...

I'd rather meet, you know, in person first, like in a public place with a lot of lights.

Oh, yeah.

You can go out to the park and...

No, the park.

Do you ever go to the Waffle?

You know where the Denny's is?

We'll go there.

We'll talk.

We'll have coffee.

And if I like you, then I'll...

A little bit, right?

I won't tell your wife.

It's okay.

I won't tell anybody.

this is your last chance your

Give me your social security number, and I will let this cut pass.

Give me your social security number, and I will make this all go away.

So I can make this all go away.

You're going to lose your job, and you're going to have a federal case against you

for calling someone on the do not call list.

Violation of the Helms-Burton Act of 1998, sir.

I'll tell you, give me the first two digits only of your social, yeah.

Number of your credit card, of like your bank account.

Give me 1148 o'clock, you moron.

Give me the first number of your social security number.

Just give me something to work with here.

But you gotta give me something to work with to show the DA, man.

You gotta fucking work with me here, man.

I'm trying to cut you a deal.

Well, then you got my name.

Well, what's the first digit of your social security number?

Give me that, man.

Just give me something here to work with.

What's your first of yours?

It's three.

What's the second?

Is it between one and five?

That's not helping me, man.

How do you mean it's one and ten?

You can't have a digit that's ten.

Okay.

You know what?

I'm putting down a recommendation.

We'll throw the book at you, dude.

Forget it.

All right?

I'm putting you down for deportation.

Forget it.

it. Don't even bother going to work tomorrow, man. Don't even bother. I'm going to talk

to Lori. Don't even bother going and you're out of here, buddy. Wait, what's Lori's last

name? Sir, we don't give last names, social security numbers, or addresses out over the

phone in this business, all right? Told you I don't buy any meth. You know about that?

Anything that you would not want to cut a deal with me here because I'm giving you one

last chance. Ms. Jones, I'm making the recommendation here for you to termination, definitely termination,

and definitely making the recommendation here that we go ahead and proceed with the full

proceedings against you into full discovery all right full discovery jake i mean come on

i've given you several chances here okay when do you wanda wanda looks pretty called it and i

apparently have her number we don't want to give that up because you i i think that maybe you called

the wrong number on accident because because prank callers all the time no because you know

no no such thing are you a prank caller absolutely sir that's disgusting okay then i'm a prank caller

you're sick you're sick and you're disgusting even the senior that'll be a

prank caller you rat bastard sir I have something to tell you Chris Hansen with

Dateline NBC special on sexual predators yes sir ordained blood of Christ

prosecute you under the authority of the Helms-Burton Act of 1998 signed into law

by President Bill Clinton blessed be his name

sister how do you plead guilty or not guilty that choice my friend you called

Called Wanda Lewis on accident.

You business propositioned to her, and she's on the do not call list.

I'm basically calling you to extort you, dude.

You know what extortion is?

It means I'm trying to take advantage of a situation that you put yourself in.

So you're trying to take advantage of me.

Absolutely.

There's no shame in my game.

I take advantage of people all the time.

I come home.

I get in my boxers.

I sit on my couch.

And within five minutes, my wife brings me my food and my beer.

I don't clean anything.

I don't do any dishes.

I don't take care of the kids. I don't clean out the litter box. She does everything in the house

for me. I make a mess. I take a shower. I leave my clothes on the bathroom floor. You know why?

Because I take advantage of everybody, even the people I love, even you. Think about that. Had

you been a better person, you'd be able to come home and that supposed woman of yours will let

you do whatever you want, let you get away with everything you want in your house. But you know

know why you can't because you're not mad enough buddy you're not jack valente terminate the call

ryan terminate the call everybody was that good did i ramble i'd even look at the notes and stuff

from people i don't know what the fuck that was all right good the clown that was for the bad

boys hard man yeah a lot of people think that was good and it's like hey good thanks guys thanks

Thanks, Babies.

How many people are listening?

15 plus 5 plus 60.

That's 70, 20.

80 people.

Not bad.

All right, good.

80 listeners right now.

Not including everybody on the manhouse on the 98.6.

You know what?

You guys are right.

Look at the hat, man.

It's all in the hat, dude.

This is the lucky hat, Babies.

Look at this hat right here.

Look at that.

Right there, man.

He was actually trying to decide how to play.

That's right.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

He was.

All right, let's continue here.

Love the song.

I hope you did enjoy that.

If you guys want to call in, the toll free line is open.

1-888-278-8509.

You like this sign, don't you?

This is a cool ditty.

I like this one.

If anybody else has someone they'd like us to prank call, please send that to me now.

Now's the time.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Let's call back the lady we had run outside with her clothes.

Tahara Butt in England.

Manchester, England.

Hang on, folks, one moment.

Sorry if I fall.

That'd be bad.

Hello?

Hey, lady, what took you so long?

Where were you?

The thing is, to me, everything is normal.

Why do I have to come down?

There's nothing normal, ma'am.

Who are you calling?

There's a methane leak.

Yeah, but, like, in the clothes, there's nobody.

If there was a methane leak, the other people should have been informed, too.

No, yeah, you're simple.

I asked you to wake them up, ma'am.

There's nobody now.

I went down and everything is normal.

You're supposed to tell them that it's a leak.

Someone broke wind and it was a methane leak and it's dangerous.

So why aren't the other people out?

I told you you had to knock on the door.

We only have your phone number.

They could be in danger right now.

Well, the thing is, you said what?

The indoor warden didn't say anything.

Warden?

Indoor warden, yes.

What's an indoor warden?

What are you talking about?

Fire brigade, you know, I bring a bucket of water, you know.

I was hoping to look at it.

Did you go outside?

You ran outside?

Well, you're supposed to know.

I asked you to knock on their door to wake them up and let them know they had to go outside.

Well, you're supposed to know.

Okay, well, let them get hurt then.

Let them get hurt.

Who cares?

Huh? Is that it? You don't care about them?

No. No, because they are the people who are down. Why didn't you contact them?

No, but I asked you to tell them. They could be...

No, you didn't ask me. You told me to put on the clothes and go down.

Ma'am, you know...

And I did go down.

To be honest with you, I think maybe that they... Are you sure they're sleeping or you think maybe they passed out?

The thing is, I don't think, if you're from the fire brigade, right, like, as far as I'm concerned, the war, and people should have at least told me, but nobody has. As far as I'm concerned, I went down and everything is normal. And if there was a methane leak, outside, it would be more dangerous.

Well, ma'am, to be honest with you, I'm hoping that you don't light a match or anything like that

because there could be a mess that happens, you know?

What do? Like, okay, the thing is, I'm in my house. Why not the next door?

Did you, um, are you wearing any clothes right now? Did you take your clothes off already?

Yes.

So you're not wearing any clothing right now?

No.

Can you part the hairs for me, please?

Pardon?

I need you to part your hairs for me.

Part my hairs?

Yes, please.

I need you to part the hairs.

I don't understand you.

Well, when you take the hairs and I need you to move them to the side, like part them, you know?

There's nobody in the house other than me.

Well, but you have your hair, right?

Do you have your hair down there?

Yes.

Well, I need you to part the hairs and get them out of the way, please.

That is coming in with the Vaseline.

Yes.

You seem to be the wrong person, and don't call me that.

Talk sexually.

I think she's going to turn on.

Get it to say colostomy bag or put the G in the show on it.

Get it to say colostomy bag.

You have $5.

You can go home.

Please enter your destination number.

You didn't look at my G talk.

I mean, I'm looking at my G talk messages.

You can run her over.

Hour 5848 for this call.

For applicable fees, pay the cost of your car.

Lady, come on.

Last one on the nine here.

Colostomy bag might work.

Colostomy bag is.

Welcome to DTR 01571.

She doesn't even know what parting the hairs means.

She's not going to know what a colostomy bag is.

Jesus.

All righty.

Well, we're done.

That was fun, wasn't it?

It's almost 1 o'clock in the morning.

12.55 a.m. Eastern.

She figured out the hair part after a minute or two.

Yeah, she did.

She finally figured out we're being dirty.

All right.

Well, thanks, everybody, for listening.

Milkman, take us out of here quickly, please, if you could.

All righty, Hermano.

I'll tell you what, man.

This has been better than a barrel full of monkeys full of laughs, guys.

I'll tell you, man.

And did you all enjoy it like I did?

Yeah!

Thanks a lot for coming along, man.

I'd like to thank all our friends out there for helping to make this happen for all of us out there.

Mr. Big Ted Webb, Mr. Chuck, all our friends over there in the Madhouse chat room,

everybody over there, we love you all.

All our friends in Seneca at Radio TV, wow.

It was a mind-blowing episode, wasn't it?

And quite a good bit of cameras on the line playing.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

pretty pretty pretty kitty there and uh i'd like to thank all of you though really for tuning in

and we look forward to doing this again next week with you tuning in your ear balls every

thursday at 10 30 and you can hear the air mono and the mad styling insane styling with the mad

house guys that's right you know why we do it because we love you our listeners it's all about

you we do this every week we pay our dime we just ask that you give us your time share a smile and

invite a friend thank you so much for tuning in back to you big hermano back to me big hermano

all right i want to thank everybody who participated tonight listen um i want to thank

lonesome loser despite the fact he wasn't here we did use a lot of his numbers from last week

hopefully he's back next week man where's he at hope he's okay he's probably sick i think

that's cool anybody call in nobody called in tonight except for a douche so thank you douche

for calling in man

and Nunu

thanks for

and Nunu

thanks for sending in

the conference information

we didn't really

get through to anybody

at the

national organization

abroad

but we did

have some fun

with the people

at the front desk

and yeah

I want to thank

Tuck for being in here

Baz

Brandon Vegas

of course you as well

no fan

MySpace.com

Mike Tucker Art

it's my

new profile

and please go

and

admin stuff

All my stuff and all my information and connections and links will all be there.

Yes.

Yes, he will be there.

Go there and look at videos of Tuck parting his hairs, everybody.

That's right, everybody.

Tuck is starting to take over for, what was that idiot?

Clone homegrown.

He's that one.

Cloned?

Well, no, come on.

He's starting to take over his part, man.

What do you mean?

Just making dumb comments.

Oh, my God.

Don't compare him to the clone, man.

Out of air, high-ass statements, man.

I don't need that burnout.

I'm just joking.

You think you owe Tuck an apology for saying that.

Yeah, so we had a great show.

Thank you, everybody who listened.

Two boxers later, man.

I'm having fun.

That's right.

Good deal.

All right, folks.

We're out of here.

Catch you next week.

MadHouseLive.com is the website.

SyndicateRadio.tv is the stable.

And Zolar Party Nation tomorrow night, 9 p.m. Eastern, I'm certain.

Bye, Lizzie.

Bye, everybody.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you! Fuck you fucking penis dick!

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Calls (18, 1 h 9 min of 2 h 18 min)

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