2008-08-14 Show

Who the fuck is this?

You're listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

Good evening, everybody.

How you doing?

Madhouse Radio.

The normal Thursday night thing that we always do.

I am Carlito, your host for the evening.

Thank you very much for turning things over, G-Wiz.

Very well played, sir.

I'm here with my assemblage of people, and we're going to have a good time tonight, of course.

Aren't we fellas?

Aren't we going to have a good time?

Yeah.

We're all talking about, bud.

Yeah, son.

We're going to have a good time.

All right.

When you put it that way, gangrene, how can we not have a good time?

Thanks, everybody, for showing up.

I am, what am I doing over here?

I'm doing a show.

That's right.

Actually, I'm picking out a cigar.

I've got three cigars to pick out here.

You're going to meet yourself there?

I'm going to be a milkman while he takes care of that.

Hey, Tuck, do me a favor because I'm indecisive here.

Tuck, pick a number between one and three if you don't mind, please.

No, tell us what you're smoking.

Between one and three, please, Tug, if you don't mind.

Two.

Two it is.

The number two cigar we'll be smoking tonight.

And the rest of them go back in the humidor, and the humidor goes back under the desk.

Yay!

This is short story.

This is fun!

Yeah, sir, man.

I love games.

Gangren, what are you smoking tonight, Gangren?

What'd you say?

You're smoking Paul Malls?

Yes!

Good deal.

I have no idea what I'm smoking.

It's a Maduro.

That's all I know.

It's a very cheap cigar

It's called Spirit of Cuba

I bought it for $1.49 at a cigar shop

Because I'm cheap

My favorite smoke normally is actually

My normal smoke as far as terms is

Price and best bang for buck

What I usually like to buy is

Romeo and Juliet

I really like those quite a bit

That's my case

Anyway, for those of you listening here for the first time

Welcome, we have a lot of things to talk about tonight

This is the last of my King Albert

Yeah.

Prince Albert, I mean.

Isn't Prince...

That's been around forever.

I thought that was chewing tobacco.

Yeah, a cheapy cigarette.

Whatever he wanted it to be, I guess.

I guess so.

I could take it to anything.

You could chew it, you could stick it up your ass, whatever it takes.

Ain't that right, Milkman?

Where'd Milkman go?

Milkman's gone.

I don't know what he's going to do.

We'll see if Milkman comes back.

I don't know where he went off to, that crazy little monkey he.

Anyway, if you want to reach us here tonight, you can.

The instant messengers are up and running.

A Madhouse Radio, if you're using AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger.

Again, that's Madhouse Radio.

Madhouse Radio.

The Mad, Mad, Madhouse Radio.

Hey, that was perfect, Milkman.

You had like a little echo to that, bro.

And also, if you're using MSN Messenger, you can reach me over at madhouseatlive.com.

Be sure to visit the home page where you can get a hold of me.

Sending your prank requests using our easy-to-use, easy-to-fill-out, 100% free form.

that's request to

the request to prank button over at

madhouse live

that's kill me tonight man

you gotta get some strangulation over there

you know what I'm saying

I got problems with Winamp

Winamp is really choppy and I found out that

there's currently a problem with Winamp

and the newest version of

if you're running for some reason if you're running Winamp

and the newest version of Firefox

it causes Winamp to be choppy

they're working on a fix on it right now

so you're gonna hear a little bits of

choppiness there in the music. It's not

your guys' end. It is on my end here.

There's nothing I can do about it. I use

Winamp. That's what we're... So you're to blame.

No, Winamp is to blame. Whoever...

Who runs Winamp? You can do that, sir.

You can use the Mac and not use Winamp.

No, I don't want to do that.

My encoders use Winamp.

Who runs Winamp?

You can waste about $2,500.

Yeah, you can waste a lot of money

on useless stuff.

Keep you dirt with the PC

experience and all the knowledge.

Yeah.

And now they're counting on your toes and fingers.

Yes, sir.

And they would still wear it.

Ooh.

Well, now that we're talking, let's go ahead and introduce you around the table, around the board.

The senior member, the senior, and I mean that in many ways other than just, you know, the fact that he's senior.

He's the only senior citizen here on the show panel, as always.

Milkman, what's up, Milkman?

How you doing, bro?

Oh, good to meet you.

How you doing, my old buddy?

We're doing good.

He's like 87 years old.

Can I have a hike?

Happy birthday.

Milkman, Milkman.

No, man, I had to swing the dog around the room there a little while ago,

so he's just a little bit extended.

Milkman just got finished punting a dog across the room.

Oh, man, dude.

And, of course, Tuck is here also.

You know those little tiny, like, those little Nike little,

those little Nike Nerfs about that size, man.

Oh, geez, that's nasty.

Show y'all a game.

Big Tuck is here.

The Tugster is in the house as well.

What's up, Tug?

How you doing?

Hey, hey, show y'all a game.

Show your titties, that's right.

Show us your titties, syndicators.

That's right.

If anybody's interested, I am monitoring the Olympics in the background here.

If anything big happens.

Did that kid Phelps, did he win again yet?

I know he was going to be swimming again tonight.

I see chicks swimming right now.

I'll tell you, I'm not very interested in watching women swim.

Did you hear the latest over there from the Olympics?

No, what's the latest?

They took the gold medals.

They analyzed the content of the gold medals.

it was 99.9% pure lead

in China

exactly I was about to say

if they're made in China

they're like

they're going to raise hell about it

come on what did you expect

how many years was that

Jesus Christ of course man

kidding dude lead

that's crazy

anyway so that's that

you know what I was just watching before the show here

you know what I just got

For the first time, I watched badminton.

Like, I've never seen a badminton game played.

I know what it is, but that game is insanely awesome.

It's like tennis, but you can't bounce the ball.

It stays in the air the whole time.

Right.

You've got to keep hitting it back and forth.

You know who was an ace?

Who?

You know who was an ace right here in the madhouse, right there, that badminton game?

Who?

Jen Stewart.

Oh, that's right.

Jen Stewart is an ace, man.

That game is insane.

It's like...

You know who was an ace?

No, I never played.

I played football.

I was exempt from gym.

I never had to, I was a football player, so I never had to take gym classes.

I took the, in my high school, if you're, if you're a football player, instead of PE

and gym or whatever in high school, I just had to, we had a special football class, like

football players class where we just, you know, we hung out and watched TV and then

we, and then we do weightlifting.

You guys are a little nerdy boys from in the lockers.

No, no, nothing like that.

We were cool.

No, we weren't evil like that.

But, you know, we do weightlifting three times a week, you know,

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

And then Tuesday and Thursday we go, we do sprints.

You know, we do our training stuff.

Maybe, you know, usually half the time we just hung out.

We turn the TV on in the gym and just hang out.

We do our sets in like 15 minutes, and then we have, like, you know,

the rest of the class and just hang out.

It was kind of fun, man.

Good times, good times.

Man, I miss that, man, when the only thing you had to do was get up, you know,

and go to school to play football, practice football, worry about football.

High school was fun, man.

I'm looking right to make you swell up.

Yeah, well, hang on, I'm lighting a cigar here with one of these barbecue lighters.

Oh, my God, I see how it's like a blowtorch, man.

Holy shit.

Check out the stogie there, man.

The Macarena stogie.

You can't find my lighter, man.

Hell, yeah, man, look at that.

You can light that for none of your death.

It's the size of that plane, man.

You at a concert?

Yeah, right.

Welcome to the 90s

with Dick the Mouse concert.

Right here.

You're like a fucking Rush Limbaugh

kid at a concert.

Right in the mouth.

No, dude, I remember

I told Tuck once

to do a drawing, you know,

like a painting

or a drawing or painting.

A drawing of me

for the front page

where it was like,

you know that Rush Limbaugh

picture of him

where he's got the cigar

in his hand

and he's all like

all pimped out, you know?

I so want to do a version

of that with like

but me instead, you know,

holding the cigar all like yeah you know that'd be cool yeah that was a long time ago but fuck

fuck rush limbaugh anyway so what's been going on in the news i'm gonna say i'm very excited dude

team usa the redeemed team i'm a big basketball fan and god damn it if if uh if it's if it wasn't

great yeah if it wasn't great to to watch uh dude the the dream team or the redeemed team as you're

calling them kicking ass fucking kobe though man i think he's had i think he's sunk maybe like three

three-pointers so far in the last three games, which is pretty weak.

You've got to be good.

Not that it matters anyway at this point.

We're going to blow them all out anyway.

It's off-season, man.

This ain't NBA time, you know what I'm saying, regardless of what.

But it's good, man.

I'm happy because my homeboy, as I like to call him, Dwight Howard,

I'm an Orlando Magic fan.

I've been following the Orlando Magic franchise since the first season.

I live in Orlando, of course,

In Orlando, of course, and I'm excited to see him playing.

And LeBron James is just, like, awesome, man, in Olympic basketball.

It's been a great time watching those boys play.

And they'll be playing Spain tomorrow morning at 8 o'clock.

So if you get a chance, why don't you go ahead and install Microsoft Silverlight

and watch it on your home computer, you know, with no commentary,

or watch it, of course, on NBC HD.

That's what I like to watch it on, man.

Yeah, and I've been watching, like I said, I've been watching Bad Men.

I've been watching women's beach volleyball a lot.

God, what else have I ever been watching?

You know, it's hard.

I try to watch the boxing, and it's been really boring boxing this year.

Last time, the boxing was pretty good, the Olympic boxing.

This year, it's kind of really sucked, you know?

And I've been watching it in HD.

I haven't seen any boxing at all this year.

The synchronized swimming is the best, usually, though.

I haven't seen that.

I tried to watch

I did try to watch

I've been watching a lot of Michael Phelps stuff

I think he's about to

Michael Phelps I believe

He's getting ready to go now

I'm watching here

I've got the live feed in the satellite center

They're introducing us to Australia

They always have the yellow caps

I'll let you know if he goes

And see how he does

Anyway we are listening in the back

I don't know if you noticed

But of course this is Isaac Hayes

He passed away this weekend

man this last weekend very sad man very uh good musician you know very talented individual and

he was funny as chef yeah man chuck i mean that's just two blocks from where i live

oh that really that's cool that's cool man good music though i love isaac hayes man nice long

songs you know good background music when we first started the show no but i don't know if

if you remember, I used to play a lot of Isaac Hayes in the background.

Songs like this.

Yeah, man.

Very good musicians.

So I'm going to be playing this in the background here

for the first few of the show

just so everybody can enjoy some Isaac Hayes.

So rest in peace, Isaac Hayes.

What did he die of? I'm guessing a heart attack?

Rest in peace, yeah.

Any idea what happened? All I know is that what happened,

he died next to his treadmill.

Had he never been on his treadmill,

he would have been...

I'm going to burn the shit

into my treadmill.

Yeah.

Boy, that Scientology

did a shit for him,

didn't it?

Yeah.

Hey, Anunu,

I see Anunu's paying attention.

He had a Scientology funeral.

Hey, real quick.

Anunu,

if Dusha's going to sit there

being a Dusha,

just change the room

to voice only

and just voice

everybody except for him

so until then

just shut up

alright

I'm busy right now

but I'm sure

you know how to do it

just do it already

he can sit there

but stop being stupid

alright

yeah

turn the fucking

I forgot how to do it

he's kicking him out

every fucking

milkman you know how to

also I think

you might have done it already

just put everybody

plus me

just keep him in line

yeah just plus me

Nunu's keeping him in line

right now

I signed Nunu

to babysitting tonight

he's a good job for it

All right.

We like to take care of these wankers.

Well, we did have another loss, of course,

another talented African-American, one of my favorite comedians.

Not my favorite comedian, one of my favorite comedians.

Bernie Mac passed away.

What a blast.

Passed away over the weekend also.

Very sad.

That was a surprise for me.

The Bernie Mac show.

Yeah, the Bernie Mac show was great.

I really like Bernie Mac.

Yeah, that was like out of the blue.

Yeah, well, Kings of Comedy, of course.

I saw that in the movie theater.

Actually, Isaac Hayes was out of the blue, too.

One of the best experiences I had in a movie theater,

I went to the Black Theater here in Orlando,

you know where black people like to go to.

Nothing wrong with that.

But they can ruin a movie.

But, man, it was nothing like watching Kings of Comedy

when it first came out in the movie theater in the Black Theater.

There were people up and down, running up and down.

Yeah, running up and down the stands.

Not the stands, but up and down the theater.

Standing up, cracking up, man.

It felt like I was there live, you know.

know and he's i think bernie mack stole that show uh the kings of comedy movie so uh yeah let me go

ahead and play this this is one of my one of my one of my favorite bernie mack he had this this

talent the way he talked you know he just had that delivery that was perfect and he and it's

funny he had this thing where he he would make this thing where he would snap you know i mean

like he would like go nuts and and the first time i wrote i remember seeing bernie mack was in a

movie don't uh don't be a menace to south central while drinking your juice in the hood

and he plays a cop

and he plays the racist cop

and we actually, you know what, let me play that now

as a matter of fact

in 2006

I did make a promo for that

and I should have set it up for tonight

but I forgot to

but we used to play this coming out of breaks

this is Bernie Mac

this is one of my favorite Bernie Mac pieces right here

this is

Bernie Mac acting racist

it's really funny, let's listen to that real quick

back yeah we used to play that a lot of us we haven't played that in about at least a year

if not more maybe two years since we played that more than a year dude yeah

festival bay no i didn't see that festival bay is a nice theater i saw that one you know what's

echoed or is that just me it's it's it's uh i think it's just you hearing that but um

honestly um the the movie theater at uh a universal studios has turned into the black theater

which is kind of weird

because it's you know

you would think it'd be

like the Cherisee Theater

but it's actually

the Black Theater now

a lot of blacks

a lot of blanks go there

anyway

more Bernie Mac here

this is my favorite piece

out of his

out of the Kings of Comedy

here it is

good stuff

listen to this

about four minutes on

we'll be right back

we're gonna move along

and start doing some prank calls

and move on with the show

but I'm tired

my body weary

I can't

you know

I'm sick of sex

I'm sick of fucking

I don't know about you

I ain't gonna bullshit

I can't do it like I used to

I used to be good

They ain't good like that no more. My shit is quick, fast. My wife gonna tell me, I'm gonna get a young man.

Go get the motherfucker. I don't give a fuck. Go get him. And I'll watch. I'll watch. I swear I'll watch.

You ain't gonna kill me, man. It don't take all night to fuck all night. 45 minutes. We don't fuck for 45 minutes.

What the fuck am I trying to prove here? It don't take no all night to get no orgasm. Three minutes. That's all I'm giving you.

That's all the fuck I got. What about you talking about me?

Bernie Mac can't fuck, I don't give a fuck!

Shit, but I got mine!

You better get yours!

If you don't bust a nut when I get mine, you fresh outta fuckin' luck with me!

Fuck about me all the fuck you want!

Yeah! That's a heavyweight one round bout!

And people done got knocked out in the first goddamn round!

You layin' there, I'm poppin' my ass off!

Bust a nut so we can go to sleep!

Eat hot ass hoes!

Bullshit!

You know I ain't more uptight!

I'm 42 years old!

Talkin' bout coochie, fuck coochie!

All sex, I'm sick of all that shit!

Come on, do something special.

Bust your motherfucking head, that's what the fuck I do.

Put your mouth on me, for what you nasty son of a bitch.

You ain't gonna put your mouth on me?

I asked you to put your mouth on me, you did a goddamn attitude.

I want, if I want all sex, I gotta give clues.

I gotta give hints.

Put your head right here for a minute, you know.

Then here come attitude.

What you trying to say?

I know you ain't ask me to suck your dickies.

You better get your mama to suck your dick, you son of a bitch.

Then when they do it, they trying to do this shit wrong so you can tell them to stop.

When they finally do it, they think they don't know what they're doing.

Real fucked up.

So you can say, oh, that's all right.

I don't say that's all right, no.

I let them keep going because they got to learn.

They got to learn.

Because when they do do it, you know, we all grown.

We all grown here.

You ever say when you do get special attention?

I had a woman one time, a long, long time ago, a long, long, long time ago.

She was giving me special attention, but she was looking dead at me, you know.

What the fuck are you looking at me for?

You know, I don't know what to say to her.

What the fuck are you talking about?

What you doing, a good child?

You put the good word?

True.

I say once again what you scared to say when I talked about the kids, you know, it ain't no bad thing

Don't sometimes you want to say you ugly some of my bitch, but it's not right

It's not appropriate to see you stupid motherfucker you didn't look here

She'd be saying when your little tears your niece and nephew come over you'd be like my sister ain't doing a goddamn thing with

This kid see that's why I'm open up a daycare center when I retire from comedy

I'm over there to prove to you that I'm trustworthy. I will fuck your kid up

You ain't got to fill out no application the first three months free

You don't need no hidden videos around the house to see what the fuck is going on

Because when you come to pick your kid up

I'm gonna look you in the eye and tell you what the fuck is going on

Would you come to pick your kid up and he got a knot on the corner of his head you say what happened to my son?

I'm gonna tell you I took a hammer and slapped the fuck out of him

Well, that's a Bernie Mac and of course as we mentioned what's his face the other black dude

Isaac Hayes

rest in peace

gentlemen

yeah man

chapel mission

alright folks

let's move on

I want to say

what's up

you know

I haven't mentioned

yet of course

our brothers and sisters

over at syndicate

radio.tv

are checking in

tonight as well

big wazzup

to you guys

yeah

yes sir

wazzup man

everybody over there

of course

you want to listen

over here on the mouth

Zola

Dino

and the gang

26

yeah buddy

let's get moving

let's do some prank calls

let's do what we came

Time to get resuscitated.

That's right.

Lonesome Loser, the man himself, he's checking in tonight.

What's up, my brother?

Good to see you here, man.

Yeah!

Hardest working numbers hit man in the business.

That's right.

Midnaz.

Sending in numbers for Taboo Adult Video and Magazine, Apollo Burgers, Chunky Burgers, Bubba Burgers, Teddy's Bigger Burgers,

Breakwater Seafoods and Chowder, Chowdill, Ivan's Seafood Bar.

Breakwind.

Yes, sir.

And the Ho-Ho Seafood Restaurant, all checking in here, ready to be pranked.

A lot to look forward to.

Yeah.

All right, all right, all right.

Milkman, why don't you go ahead and give us a toll-free line here so everyone can make a note of it

if they don't see it down here or up here.

Where's it come up?

Around down here or somewhere.

Grab the time because we've got the time in this town.

That's 888-278-85-0900.

That's right.

Time because we've got the time.

That's right.

Join in the show and have some fun.

888-278-8509

We got a request. Omega Mark wants us to call

the porn store. Well, what the

fuck. I guess I will. Is there a porn store?

Yes. Taboo Adult Video Magazine.

Porn stores everywhere, sir.

Hey, man. You guys, you know.

Only the hits here

for you guys. We'll do it.

Let's keep playing some

Isaac Hayes in the background here while we do that.

Just a moment, folks. First prank of the night

coming right up. Thank you for listening.

I'm not going to complain about that. No reason to.

the uh the the adult adult stuff there okay good because i called earlier i had like the

room was like like you know one of those video rental places but you guys don't have more than

video you guys have like the toys and stuff like that you have ballistic penises yep i'm a little

bit after porn stars no but yours is one that i saw once it had like the hair and everything on

it it's very no we don't have anything like that oh is there one maybe flesh colored or something

because i'm trying to play a joke on my mother and like what i want yeah there's there's three

ones they're all pretty hot they're not like going to be harder do you have the molding stuff there

yeah we have um molding supplies who do you have a mold you have a mold of like pier north

no who do you have molds of primarily uh it doesn't matter to me i mean i'm just honestly

what i want to do when i'll pull my zipper down and i'm going to have it like sticking out right

basically and then i'm going to go up to my mother and say hey you know like i'm going to

maybe come on her a little bit and she'll think you know maybe it's an erecting but i have a

suspicion that she's kind of attracted to me because when i was like two years old she used

to bathe me and she used to like touch me down there i remember and she'd like take the water

she'd drip it on top of it and she's saying this well we have um lots of different ones we even

have a uh flesh colored um skin one which is kind of realistic the best thing i can tell you is to

come in and look around though well gather i mean maybe can i or do you have any like samples there

Like, maybe I can put them together?

I can show, uh, I can open the box up and you can look at it,

but you cannot bring your penis out in the store.

I wasn't planning on bringing my penis out, sir.

I mean, that's a little excessive, don't you think?

Is that, you think that's the route I'm going for?

I mean, that's not the route I'm going for, my good man.

I honestly, at this point, don't know what you're going for.

Would you go, what would you suggest?

Would you go for girth or length?

For, like, uh...

That is completely up to you.

Well, for, I mean, as far as...

I don't have an opinion about it.

Well, what would your mother prefer?

Alright, uh, best thing I can tell you is come in and look around.

I have a guest here, I have to go. Bye.

You have a gay guest? He's a gay guest.

Let's call back and talk about the guest.

That was a stupid prank call. That was fucking gay.

Hi.

Oh, shut up, Milkman.

I'm in a bad mood now because I did a bad prank call.

I hate a dude brand prank call.

Hey, hi.

This is going to be a crappy show, right?

I always start off saying it's a crappy, crappy show, crappy show ever.

Thanks, everyone, for listening to the crappy show.

Just a moment.

Let's play another song here.

I've got stories to talk about this whole car accident I got into.

Still not fixed.

The woman's getting an attorney now.

You tell me how it's possible when the accident is deemed your fault 100% by the officer who shows up on scene.

And she's getting an attorney involved for some reason.

That makes no sense to me.

Any second answer.

She was turning left.

She was turning right.

And she turned right into the front of me.

She turned right in front of me, dude.

Like, literally, I was turning left.

I explained this last week.

I was turning into the Walmart plaza

To go to the pharmacy

I'm in a left hand turning lane

She's turning right to leave the Walmart plaza

And runs right into me

As I'm stopped sitting there at a light

Waiting for a green light to go

Totally her fault

Yeah, she's totally at fault.

Completely her fault.

And there's like

no argument about it.

It's on the police report

and everything.

And then she's getting an attorney.

I don't know why

she's getting an attorney.

She wasn't hurt.

All it's doing

is tying up the whole process

and then meanwhile

I've got to drive around

in my fucked up car.

It's piss...

Hey, I did want to mention here,

I did buy, anybody who's looking here, I went to Bed Bath & Beyond of all places.

I found a voice changer in Bed Bath & Beyond that's shaped like a bullhorn.

It's very interesting.

It's cool.

So I got like, it's weird because it has like five, one, two, three, four, five settings on the side of it.

And I can't figure them out.

Like I know if I turn on.

Oh, that's what you were using earlier.

Yeah, if I turn on A and B, it'll sound like that.

It'll sound low.

I know that one.

And this one, it sounded really low.

See?

See, it doesn't sound realistic enough, but I thought it'd be funny.

And then that one's stupid.

That one's just annoying.

Good for what you do here.

Yeah.

See, and.

But good for what you do here, though.

Yeah, it is.

I should do a prank call where I just talk into this right here the whole time.

Let me call that guy back at the.

Yeah.

Where am I talking into that?

Let me call that guy back.

Hang on.

Let's try to call that guy back.

I don't know.

It's your show.

It'll sound like that one with Wanda Sykes call.

Yeah, maybe.

We've got to move the show along here.

We're starting to drag a little bit.

We've got 99 viewers on Syndicate.

We've got another 22 on Justin.TV.

Guys, Spider in the chat room is an old, old friend of mine.

We reconnected just recently, and he's listening for the first time.

Sweet.

He was in the chat earlier.

Hopefully, he's still listening, and hopefully, I don't know,

if he likes it enough, maybe he'll call in or something.

and say, hey, what's going on?

I don't know.

I see a lot of people checking in.

Czar, our medical director Czar is here.

Kokani is around too, our news director.

Hollywood Vanya is in the house as well.

Probably just says I sound like a southerner with that on.

Well, I am a southerner, you know.

Yeah, well, southerner, what are you going to do about it?

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

And then yesterday I had a meeting.

There's a local, let me do this first.

There's a local company here that does local podcasting

and local internet radio shows and stuff like that.

They found the site.

They found the show.

They're interested in getting us hosted on their station as well.

I'm going to be interviewing them.

That's not going to work.

This is so unbelievable.

Yeah.

It sounded good just to do it through that megaphone.

I just don't have a premise for that.

I don't know what to talk to that guy.

Let's call a burger place.

I think it's too distorted going through the phone receiver.

Oh, man.

It sounds like ten times worse through the phone, you know what I'm saying?

Do you remember the prank call at Reclude Day where he's Mr. White Devil?

That one, yeah.

Let me see if I got that one.

That one's pretty funny, that guy.

We call it the Nation of Islam.

Let's see, white.

I think I got that.

Oh, yeah.

He's like, this is the white devil.

The guy's like, okay, yeah, the white devil, right.

Okay, hang on.

I'm going to call a burger place next.

Hang on, folks.

Salaam alaikum, my brother.

Wa alaikum salam.

What's up?

I want to join y'all.

What I gots to do.

What I gots to do, man.

I got my beret, man.

I got my beans.

Hey, you need to get over here.

I'm ready.

Get over here, like, quick.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm talking about that blackout, man.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm marching.

I'm marching up, man.

Come on.

Shit, man.

I want to get in one of them stomp lines.

Hey.

Stomp the yard.

Yard.

Yeah, what's up, man?

Tell me something.

Preach on me.

Preach on you?

Well, now.

Yeah.

We, as a people, you know, first I need you to start with, you know, repeat after me.

Uh-oh.

I am somebody.

How can I help you?

Is this the burger machine?

This is Freddy's Bigger Burgers.

Yeah, you guys do burgers, right?

Yes, sir.

What would you rate your quality of your patties there?

Like, fat content?

Would you put them on a five or a three?

On a scale of

On a scale from 3 to 12

What would you rate it?

What would I rate what?

Fatness of it?

Yeah, how fat is it?

I really wouldn't know how to answer that

Maybe because you're a woman

Maybe because you're a woman, right?

No, yeah, it's because, you know, women tend to have a small mouth

No, it gets smart with the mouth

It gets in trouble with me, too

Yeah, you understand

I would rate it a 7 or a 9

What's your ethnicity?

is that well yeah but nine is a bad number though because the three is the best one so you must

you know i'm gonna i'm with the newspaper i want the paper so right now i'm writing a bad review

here and what was your name again my name is alexandria your name is and according to this

that you admit that you have a lot of fat in your burgers huh well um i thought you meant like fat

Fat as in thickness of the burger?

No, I meant like fat, like, you know, fat.

Well, it's a ground chuck patty, and it's on a grill, so, I mean, I don't think there would be that much.

I really don't know how to answer your question. I'm sorry.

All right, well, let me ask you a question.

As a woman, if I were to show up, if you had never met me before, and I had a, let's say, like, I had a fake dong in my pants,

and I came up to you, but it wasn't real, would you be offended?

I mean, how would that affect you psychologically?

Psychologically.

I don't know if this is Teddy's related, so I'm going to have to kind of end our conversation now.

Don't, please, don't end it.

Only because I have things to do, I'm sorry.

I play golf with Teddy.

And you're asking these kinds of questions there?

Well, because I'm kind of attracted to you.

I came in twice before, and the other time you gave me a little bit of a look.

I'm very shy.

I don't know how to come across to women.

I know I made a bad comment about women.

Are you meeting anybody?

I am, sir.

You are?

Would you be interested in maybe having a picnic with me?

Okay.

She's thinking about it, guys.

This is the general manager.

Hey, general manager, how are you doing?

Hello?

This is general manager?

Yeah.

Hey, this is general Forrest.

How are you doing?

Hey, good.

Look, I was wondering if, you know, maybe the lady would sit and take lunch with me.

I guess not.

Let me call back, speak to general manager again.

I'm going to threaten him with a bad review.

What's a good restaurant review site?

Use the microphone on him, too.

Use the microphone on him.

Yeah, we'll see about that.

What was her name again?

I couldn't understand

her namesake.

Not for her namesake.

This is

her name.

Who the fuck

that was?

She lost me, bud.

That is about right.

This is her name.

Damn,

what the fuck

is she talking about?

I am

somebody.

Tell you.

You don't know

it.

You don't know

it.

I've been telling

you that last

few years.

If she doesn't

go on a picnic

lunch with me,

I'm going to give

you a bad review

in the newspaper.

You know I have

a call.

Yeah,

we'll call you back

and call the cops

about it.

I'm blocking

my number.

You can't call me back.

Okay.

What's my number if you're so smart?

You want to be smart?

You can come down here and talk to me about it if you want to.

I'm going to go down and push you in the shoulders.

You know, right in the shoulders, I'm going to push you.

And then my friend Milkman, he's going to kneel down, like, you know, on all fours behind you.

You're going to fall over and everyone's going to go, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Just like that.

I think we lost a patient.

What the fuck that was about?

All right, then.

That was a good kick with the laugh.

Yeah, all right.

Let's play some more reclute Mr. White Devil.

Alright, what's step number two?

Oh, step number two.

Alright.

Okay, well, hold on a second, man.

I got somebody who wants to talk to you real quick.

Alright, I'm on, man.

I will be on their way here.

Hold on a second.

Yes, sir.

I'm speaking home to help you.

I'm serious.

I'm going to give you the bad ring unless that girl goes on a date with me.

Yeah, me, me, me, me, me, me.

Yeah, me, me, me, me.

Look at that.

You know what that means in Hawaiian.

It means licking like a llama.

It means I love you.

Whatever.

All righty then

Wait a minute

The recluse say

We're genetic engineers

We created watermelons

With no seeds

I'm body

Step number two

Oh wow

All right

Oh wow

Okay

Well

Wow

Very good

All right

All righty then

I'm watching.

How you doing, sweetie?

As I get here to, like, a picnic.

We can do catering, but you can call in orders, and you can come pick it up, and we make it to go.

Well, I would like to make, like, an order for a guy like me and a girl like you

to go out to a park and have a nice picnic hamburger lunch together.

Would you be, do you have, are you dating a woman or a man right now?

Yeah.

A woman?

That's okay.

We don't have to tell her.

Oh, would you be?

No.

I won't tell anybody.

I have a boyfriend, but thanks anyway.

Okay, but I'll tell you what.

But if you don't do this, then I'm going to give the restaurant a bad review in the newspaper.

So it's kind of like a blackmail.

Since I won't go on a date with you, give the restaurant a bad review.

You're going to have to because I want to go.

I don't give up.

I pursued the woman.

I'm only 16 years old.

Ew, really?

I'm only 16.

You're fucking lying.

What year were you born?

I was born in 1992.

And if I was only like, who am I?

I don't know.

You suck, man.

I have to go cuss, but thanks anyway.

Are there any old ladies there?

Like, any, like, 40-year-olds or something?

No.

What about, like, how old?

They're all under 18.

Well, this has got to be, like, an overseer.

Are there any guys over there who are older?

Yeah, but I've got to go.

Thank you, though.

Put me in touch with a man, please.

Fucking bitch.

How do you want me to know?

Oh, fucking cunt.

This fucking show sucks.

Just breaking news here, of course.

Another world record beaten.

I would assume he got the gold medal if he got the world record, right?

I don't know what he did.

He got the lead medal.

What are you talking about?

The lead medal.

That kid Phelps.

He was in the water and he was moving and he said,

WR, fire, fire, fire.

Who cares?

Fucking swimming, huh?

Look at that guy.

I don't think Phelps.

Are they related?

I don't know.

So, good for us.

Yay.

Who's winning the medal race?

I heard China was up ahead of us, right?

All right.

So, it's the men, 200.

Yeah, today they got that.

But I think we're ahead of them now.

200 meter individual medley.

What the fuck's an individual medley?

To me, it's all the same thing that they do.

You know, they're like the 200 medley.

I know.

The 200 race.

I don't know.

The 200 sprint.

It's medals.

That means a combination of all the different strokes.

It doesn't matter what all the details are.

Each lap is a different stroke.

Yeah.

If they had cannonballs, I'd win that bitch in a heartbeat.

They should have cannonballs.

That I could do.

Sir, if you spoke a little clearer, I might be able to understand all that.

Let's do it while it's clear, Mr. White Devil, it was.

Okay, well, here's what's going to happen.

I am going to create a new drug when what my new drug is.

Is it rap music?

No, it's going to be a diamond you can snort.

Diamond you can what?

A diamond you can snort or freebase.

By the way, I gave Richard Pryor.

Wow, what a bargain.

That's fucked up.

I mean, if there was a diamond that you could snort, black people would be all over that.

What a friend on the school.

What a friend.

I can fuck anybody.

What a bargain, man.

Yes, he loved it.

Now, listen, I must bid you leave right now.

Yes, sir.

I am going to hang out with Colin.

Just a second.

Take the rest of his soul.

Hey, handle your business.

End of your business.

And by the way, you're doing a great job.

Thank you very much for my work.

Yes, thank you.

And the next thing I'm going to do is party with P. Diddy.

He has the white party.

It's in honor of me.

Yes, very good.

All righty then.

All right.

Well, you have a good time.

And if you ever want to sell your soul to me, one white devil, he'll be right.

We are three, and we are one.

Okie dokie, white devil.

Goodbye, my son.

I'm not your son, but hey.

Teens are like a fruit.

This guy just hangs up on me now.

At the burger place, he won't even have it anymore.

more he's like after he made that weird kind of noise thing he did last anyway later later all

right let's call the ho-ho seafood restaurant is that what we're calling next the ho-ho seafood

restaurant yeah oh we got a bunch of seafood here breakwater seafood and chowder huh all right cool

let's call that he's what the syndicate the syndicate screen saver he's the hero he's

They're gone.

What do they look up to?

Well, they should.

I'm telling you, those big people got some respect around here, this motherfucker.

You skinny people.

We'll be the majority here.

I think we are already, man.

Fat people rule.

Me, right, Milkman?

Milkman's a big guy.

Oh, he has a crutch.

He's human.

Oh, he has a crutch.

He's a human, right?

Yeah.

I like food.

I've been waiting lately, too, I heard.

He's getting up there.

He's got a tire.

Oh, yeah?

Because Harriet the Hippie?

No.

She has his head for charity.

You know, there's a website.

There's a website out there.

I forgot what it's called, this guy.

he's just saying that if

how you can give

make wigs for cancer people

no no no no

this guy he said

if a certain amount of people

shave their heads

he's going to go ahead

and donate me to charity

or something like that

I forgot

what the site is exactly

stone's all jacked up tonight man

anyway

yeah

guys

let's play a prank call

from last week

because this week's calls

are kind of weak sauce

and if anybody wants

to call in though

we're going to give it

a break for a second here

you can call in

1-888-278-8509.

Again, the toll-free line is 1-888-278-8509.

I see a lot of...

That dude's calling in so you can make him green or some shit.

Oh, God.

I keep saying, if you want to make yourself green, you do it yourself.

You just...

It's in your own settings.

You do that.

Yeah.

You're going to go green, and there you are.

You got to wish it.

You got to think it.

You got to believe it.

Here's a call from...

You got to wish it.

You got to believe it.

You got to go out and do it.

Here's a call...

And destroy all dream killers.

Here's a call from last week.

Listen to this, folks.

Dave, stop.

Can I help you?

Oh, you thought I wasn't going to call back, did you?

Oh, I figured you would.

Yeah, because I'm a man.

Well, you know what?

You may be a man, but you're a very disrespectful man.

I have a penis and two testicles.

Well, big fucking deal.

What do you got?

That was quick, actually.

I thought that was a lot longer than that.

That was pretty funny, man.

I have a penis and two testicles.

Oh, hey, good.

So it's a kindergarten cop

Let's see

This is another one

From last week

Poker room, Al

How can I help you?

Boogaloo, hello there

Is this the poker room?

Yes

I seem to have a problem

I went down there

Hey, man

What's going on, brother?

Yeah

What have you been up to

For the last two weeks, man?

Oh, yeah

The week before

What happened the week before?

I don't remember

I don't know

You got in a car accident

Or something?

No, that was you

That was me

I got in a car accident

Yeah, dude

That lady

Come on, man

Can you believe that?

Well, we're still working on

They hit us from

Really?

And my wife was in, like, a bunch of pain and really screwed her up.

Anyway, the lady's insurance company was refusing to pay.

They're only going to pay for, like, $1,000 worth.

You there?

Yeah, I'm here.

I'm here.

I'm listening.

And her medical bills was, like, $5,000.

We had to get a lawyer involved.

Goddamn.

But this lady here, she's completely at fault.

It's not like, you know, I really, I should have said I got hurt.

I should have said I hurt my back or something.

I could have been an asshole and done that, but I said this last week.

I did the right thing.

You know, the right thing to do is be honest.

Don't say that shit.

I could have gotten some pain meds and some money out of the whole thing.

Absolutely.

Yeah, and it's not like, you know, it's not like I'm claiming injuries against her or suing her,

but I think she's just trying to see.

You broke my dick.

She's trying to see something.

She broke my dick.

She's trying to see something will stick, you know what I mean, to get out of it, I guess.

God, but come on, man.

I need to get my car fixed.

And I guess, I mean, I can go through my insurance, but it's going to be a $500 deductible.

I know it's like for most people, it's like, well, big deal, pay the $500.

But that's, for me, that's a lot of money.

I'm kind of broke right now, you know?

Did you ever get your tuition done?

Yeah, I had to borrow like 500 bucks from my parents for that.

I'm not about to ask them to lend me another 500 on top of that, yeah.

I mean, I'm going to pay them back as soon as I get my financial aid.

That's going to be like another month from now.

I mean, it's a freaking nightmare, dude.

This is all, it's not fair.

It's not fair.

When someone's at fault, you should do the right thing

and not try to wheeze your way out of it.

She's some kind of law student or something.

I think she's, I don't know where she thinks,

I mean, even my adjuster's like, I don't know why this lady thinks she has a case.

Or why her attorney, excuse me, I'm burping a lot.

Why her attorney thinks she has a case.

Whatever.

Anyway.

Attorneys think they have a case for everything.

They do.

They'll do anything.

It's one of those, I looked up the attorney that she's retaining.

It's one of those local guys in Orlando that's like, you know, oh, you know, no fees.

Accident and injury.

Yeah, accident and injury.

It's your fault.

We'll get you off.

Insurance denials, you know.

You know, we don't charge you unless we win.

Blah, blah, blah, that kind of thing.

So, ugh.

I think she's finding her insurance is what it is.

She's not suing me because I didn't do shit.

I was just sitting there.

She can sue me all she wants.

I'm just sitting there.

So I talked to my attorney already, actually.

And my attorney suggested that we wait at least another week.

And if she's still just sitting there not doing anything,

because basically what's going on, she's refusing to talk.

I gave my recorded statement to her insurance adjuster.

That's done.

And so her insurance adjuster's like, okay, I've got to get her statement,

and then we'll get your car fixed.

So the adjuster calls her to get her statement, and she's refusing to talk.

She will not talk at all.

She's like, I have an attorney now.

Talk to my attorney.

So the adjuster keeps calling the attorney, and the attorney doesn't want to say anything.

He hasn't reviewed the case, can't talk about it yet, blah, blah, blah.

And here I'm sitting around driving a car, which is like all fucked up to hell.

And my car isn't in the best of condition as it is.

is I have to keep checking the oil at least once a week.

I need to add oil to it.

It does leak a little bit of oil.

I can't open the hood because I know if I open the hood on the car,

it's never going to close again.

I have no choice.

You know what I mean?

It's like I don't have that option.

So, basically, I mean, my car rental is covered and all that.

Someone's asking about car rental.

Yeah, my rental will be covered once I do, you know, get it in the shop.

But this lady is refusing to give her statement, you know, to the insurance.

So my attorney said, yeah, well, you know,

we can send a letter to her and to her attorney, you know,

basically pressing them to go ahead and move forward,

and then we can actually file a lawsuit against her.

But he suggested that we wait until it becomes, you know,

because really, yesterday was a week since it happened,

so they're suggesting, you know, wait a week, maybe two,

and then go ahead and go for it.

So, yeah, hopefully I don't have to get my attorney involved,

but I've already started the process.

You know, my attorney's got some details,

and we're still waiting for the police report and all this stuff.

So it's just a big nightmare.

I just wish the lady just...

You're going to get a police report after a week?

Yeah, well, I guess it's Florida Highway Patrol.

They can take up to two to three weeks to get the police report out there.

It's just insane.

It's a fucking nightmare, dude.

Hey, do you want to call the poker room?

We were just planning to call now.

Funny black guy we talked to last week.

I don't know if you caught that.

I just got last week's podcast today.

Yeah, I couldn't send it out to anybody.

I couldn't send it out to Milkman because I got it in pieces.

I had my copy of it, and two other people had to send me the other two pieces,

and I put them all together.

And I just figured, well, at that point, let me just edit it and go from there, you know, so, yeah.

That's cool.

Yeah, okay, so this is the Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino.

This is the poker room, and they're in Las Vegas, Nevada, all right?

I'm going to copy-paste you the info, and perhaps you will have better luck.

I mean, is this a call you, would you like to call a casino?

Yeah, why not?

All right, cool.

Hey, you know what to complain about in a poker room, right?

What's that, cheating?

Someone else is talking.

No, tell them the dealer did the flop and four cards came out,

and you're not happy about them reshuffling and re-dealing, and you're pissed.

So he's suggesting that we say that the dealer did the flop,

and, like, what, an extra card came out or something like that?

Is that what you mean? Like, he messed up?

The flop is three cards, so tell them four cards came out,

and the dealer just put them in and reshuffled the deck,

and we did the whole flop, and you're pissed.

So the dealer fucked up, dealt an extra card for the flop,

you know, which is only supposed to be three?

And had to reshuffle, and you're calling.

That's a suggestion from my gangrene.

Gangrene, you used to work at a casino, right?

Didn't you?

I think you said that before in the past, right?

Yeah, I still poker on the weekends.

Oh, you do?

That's cool.

Awesome.

He's retired.

He's a poker player.

All right, yeah.

Oh, someone's throwing up a picture of one of those Chinese girls.

Oof, that's crazy.

Bang dong.

All right.

All right, moving on.

Here we go.

The poker room, everybody.

Hollywood Banjo.

Vanya, whatever.

And had a pretty large sum of money.

And it seems to have been stolen.

And I don't know how you guys have, like, access to security cameras or...

In the poker room?

Yes, in the poker room, sir.

My God.

Hang on just a minute.

Let me get you someone in a suit.

Oh, Lord, baby Jesus.

Okay.

Ha, ha, ha.

Just a minute.

Oh, Lord

Yeah, I need to speak to the manager, please

For the day, I am now the shift manager

Wonderful, that's what I need to talk to you then

I was there just recently, and I was playing a card game up there,

and what happened was the dealer was supposed to deal the three cards.

Had he dealt the three cards that were supposed to be dealt

and not flopped it and dealt the fourth one, I would have won about $375.

And as it happened, he won the $375.

Now, I am very mad.

What happened?

I need to come there and get the $375, or you guys can write me a check?

How do we fix this?

It doesn't get...

Give me the $375, then can I just come get it out of his check?

Oh, no.

How are we going to fix this?

Well, I apologize.

This happens.

Nothing I can do about it.

Here's the deal.

I want to come get my $375 either way.

How do I put it in my account?

Or do I need to give you, like, my bank account number?

How are we going to fix this?

You're not understanding what I'm telling you.

Mr. Stephens, this is my lawyer on the line right now.

This is...

I'm Ralph Littlejohn.

I'm the attorney.

Let me explain this to you real quick.

First of all, who's this Al person?

Who's this Al person?

First of all, let me...

This is a, you know, this is attorney-client privilege, and I'm allowed to be on the phone at the same time.

Okay.

This is what I'm going to ask you to do.

I'm about...

I think we'll make up for 375, and we'll call in instead of having to go forward for the...

Okay.

...John, sir.

And who is...

Access to your video security camera tape.

You will not get access to surveillance.

You can make copies for us while I...

This paper's at a...

You said the S-H-I-N, sir.

S-H-I-N, sir.

It means X-C-P-E-C-E-S.

I know exactly what you said.

You heard that.

You don't reshuffle.

That's what pisses people off.

You have to burn the fourth card.

You got to burn the fourth card?

Really?

And not shuffle it?

I don't know.

I think it depends on where you're at.

It's the burn card.

The fourth card is the burn card.

So what's the difference?

You bury it and you get rid of the first one that comes out, right?

And you burn it.

That's when you get rid of the next one.

You burn a card, then you do the flop.

The next card is the next burn card before turn comes.

Next turn would have come.

I see.

So basically that card would have come.

So everybody's just getting to see the burn card for free.

Yeah, the burn car wouldn't be the next fourth car.

They always got his burns, right?

No, it would have been the burn car.

That's how they get you, isn't it?

Yeah, that's how a broken, dying, ass motherfucker

who don't know how to run a casino do.

He's, um, gangrene's explaining a little bit.

Oh, look, the master girl's a co-

How old's that girl?

She's 16?

Damn it.

I burned out saying.

Oh, she's the one from Iowa?

She's the one with the chunky legs, yeah.

Yeah, shit, my cousin knows her.

I'm the five!

Yeah, all right, good.

She'll be two years left.

Talk.

Oh, no, that's a Tuck St. Show Your Titties to a 16-year-old girl.

What's wrong with you, man?

It don't happen.

I was a gymnast for six years.

Yeah, the other girl, the girl in pink is 19.

Now, there we go.

Look at that grass on the field, man.

She has something right.

You know, I did, you know, I'll be honest with you.

Saturday, I did pull one to the beach volleyball girls.

No lie.

I'm sorry.

I got to admit it.

I did, man.

I had to squeeze one out.

I was a little frustrated.

I was talking about myself.

Is that what you said?

The dead ask if they're paying for it.

That's what the Olympics are for.

That's what the swimmer girls are for.

Guys at home jerking off thousands of miles away.

Yeah, that's exactly what they're for.

To the badminton girls, that's what it is.

Every four years.

Yeah, Lonesome Loser, you're around, man.

Send some more numbers, bro.

We're running low.

That was a number from last week.

That guy's funny, though.

I like that guy.

Didn't he answer last week?

Yeah, he did, man.

Yeah, he's all types of ass, that guy.

He told me the same thing last week.

You will not get access to my video.

Access to this security.

That's true.

You can.

Not even with a court order.

Yes, I am calling for the Robocop remake.

It is time to restart.

If Transformers are out,

they're bringing back the Seacron and all this shit.

There should definitely be a sequel for Robocop.

Robocop 3 or Robocop Resurrected

or Robocop Reloaded.

Whatever you want to call it.

The time is now for an updated, modern version of RoboCop.

I think it will be awesome, dude.

I mean, come on.

Come on.

Who will play a good RoboCop?

Like The Rock, I think, maybe?

Arnold.

Arnold is the Robo's RoboCop.

Yeah, and you know, a movie, man, that should come out, man.

Where's the A-Team movie?

That would be awesome, too.

An A-Team movie?

We've talked about this before on the show.

Where is the 18 movie?

Yeah, they've talked about that for years, for about two years now.

I'd like to see an 18 revamp a la Tropic Thunder.

It's not going to have, like, Rue and Ken in it, or Guile.

They're going to make another Street Fighter?

Because that first one sucked with Raul Julien, man.

Oh, yeah.

It was like a...

You remember the girl from...

Yeah, the animated one in the 90s when I was in high school.

That was pretty cool.

I remember the animated Street Fighter movie was good, but that other one...

I'd like to see...

Sucked.

18 revamped

a la

Tropic Thunder

cool yeah

you know what I'm saying

I think I'm gonna go see

Tropic Thunder

on Saturday morning

afternoon

you haven't seen it huh

yeah no

I've been

since I saw that first trailer

like back in April

I was like oh man

that's gonna be

cause I'm a

I'm a Vietnam movie fan

I'm a war movie

Vietnam movie fan

and that looks good

so yeah

anyway

another prank call

let's do here

let's try

I have a seafood restaurant

here we can do

it's called Ho Ho's

That's in Seattle.

I got a seafood bar also, if you want that instead.

Let's do the Ho-Ho Seafood.

Yeah, let's do that one.

We'll do Ho-Ho Seafood Restaurant.

I'll send you the details here.

There you go.

Coming right up, everybody.

Don't go anywhere, folks.

Keep listening.

Thank you.

Hello, Ho-Ho.

This is Ho-Ho's.

How are you?

Yeah, man.

This is Ho-Ho's, man.

Right?

Take the little white part in the middle out.

Can I place an order to go, or do you deliver?

To go, not deliver.

Okay.

Okay, is this, uh, can you meet me halfway?

Okay, click.

Man, I'm watching gymnastics. Shame on me.

All righty, well, let's continue here.

You place a card.

Let me help you.

What do you like?

A little bit of a balsamic, some sushi per se, but do you have any salmon there or anything with avocado in it?

I don't know if you want, you can, you can, I can, I just take any order.

What the, hello?

All right, well, whatever that was.

Okay, here we go.

Moving right along.

What else we got to do here?

We're out of numbers.

Here we go.

We got some more numbers from Lonesome Loser.

Oh, I like that guy.

We got the...

This is in Compton, California.

A Mexican guy answered that Louisiana fried chicken.

Not fried.

Fry.

F-R-Y.

Yo, Louisiana fried chicken.

All right.

For everybody, again, that's Louisiana Fry Chicken in Compton, California.

Compton.

Surrounded by Compton.

Do I got any music from Compton?

Let's see what I got here.

Milkman, any requests?

Compton music?

I don't have straight out of Compton.

Are you kidding?

Ew.

Yeah, I'm placing six-pack.

Six-pack.

Yeah, I was living right over next door to there.

I was living about five miles away from there.

NWA.

I got Fuck the Police by NWA.

That's close enough.

Here we go.

Hang on.

Hang on, folks.

Compton coming at you.

Yeah, I see that one where they kill the cops.

Kill the cops, huh?

That's the one.

Oh, Kill the Cop song.

What?

Cop Killer?

Ice Cube by Ice-T?

Is that what you're talking about?

I forgot Cop Killer.

Yeah, I do have Cop Killer.

Yeah, good call, Milkman.

Was it?

Ice-T wasn't from Compton, was he?

I'm trying to think.

I think Ice-T was from Compton.

Yeah, he had a band in Offensive State.

Yeah, he was.

This next record is dedicated to some personal friends.

Hang on.

Who's the enterprise chicken coming around?

The LAPD.

Oh, look at that ass.

For every cop that deserves to take an advantage of somebody.

That is muscular.

Hey, look at that.

I don't know if you're looking on Cynic now.

Yeah, that's a very nice muscular ass right there.

I mean, that right there.

I like that right there.

I don't like the Asian girls that much, man.

Not fried chicken, may I have you?

Yeah, man.

You deliver?

Do you deliver?

Do I need to speak twice?

What's going on?

You don't deliver?

Can I place an order to come pick up then?

Yeah, you can do that.

Uh-huh.

Okay, what you guys have there?

What's the deal with the fried chicken?

Not fried.

What's Louisiana fried?

There's some kind of special outside crust on it or inside crust?

What's the answer?

Session, what's going on? Hurry up.

Okay, you want a two-piece meal, three-piece meal?

No, I'm not going to eat that thing now.

What?

How many meals do you like?

You want a four-piece meal, three-piece meal?

Oh, I don't know.

What's the biggest piece of meal you got?

How many pieces do you have?

I have two that's me.

You got 12 pieces?

I could eat 12 pieces.

Well, is it spicy?

No, we only have one kind, just mayo.

A 12-piece chicken with two medium size and fish roe is $69.

$69?

It's $17 plus pack, ma'am.

Do you maybe have like a happy meal there?

I don't know.

You can come take a look.

I really don't know how to tell you.

We have a lot of them still there.

We have a Roast Cannon Central.

What about a happy ending meal?

You got one of them?

Yeah, I have two piece meal.

You want a small meal, you have two piece and three piece, four piece.

Two piece?

I don't need to pee, no.

What's going on?

How come you can't answer my question?

What's the difference between Louisa and fried chicken and fried?

Do you have fried watermelon?

Watermelon?

No.

Can I show you?

Oh, we're at the Rose Cranes Central.

We don't have that.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

Now, I know that.

You're on Rose Cranes, right?

Yeah, Rose Cranes Central.

Right.

The corner, yeah.

The corner, the location at Rose Cranes Central.

I know where you're at.

Come on.

I pass by you every day.

I just never stop being.

I know what fried chicken was.

Yeah, we have two-piece meal with a french fry, a roll, and a drink.

Not the meal.

Or you want a three-piece meal with a fry, a roll, and a drink.

How many people you got working there?

I already told you, two pieces, and three pieces, and four pieces, and bigger pieces.

No, no, not pieces.

How many people?

You got enough people working there?

Can you get this?

Oh, okay.

Hold on.

I hold on, yeah.

Louisiana, may I help you?

Yeah.

You speak English?

Yes, ma'am.

Okay.

Wait a minute.

You just called me a ma'am?

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.

No, I'm not a miss.

Do I sound like a miss?

Do I sound like a Swiss miss?

Is that what it is?

A little bit of chocolate going?

No, I'm sorry.

What?

I'm sorry.

Do you speak Chinese?

No.

Do you speak Japanese?

No.

What, you speak another language?

Yes.

What other language do you use?

Spanish.

You speak Spanish?

Yes, ma'am.

I'm sorry.

Oh, you're calling me a ma'am again.

I said I'm sorry.

All right, you know what?

It's a bad habit.

I'm sorry.

I'm bringing my...

No, it's a bad habit you can have.

You know, people make mistakes, and tonight you're going to learn about your mistakes

because I got my lawyer on the other line right now, and he's recording this whole thing.

You understand?

Okay.

You keep calling me ma'am.

Call me ma'am again.

No, I said can I help you?

I dare you.

Again.

Give me to your leader.

Okay, can you hold on?

You called me ma'am again.

That's another $3,000 fine.

Hello?

Go hang up.

This ain't going anywhere, is it?

My daddy.

Are you my daddy?

Daddy?

Yeah, are you daddy?

Yeah, daddy?

When are you coming home?

Can you get me a Happy Meal from that place, please?

My number.

We'll make that a little fun.

Yeah.

One, to your recorded...

Did someone say...

You do voiceover work, right?

Hollywood, tell us about your voiceover work that you do.

Do you have a cartoon that you work on, ma'am?

Or a few of them?

Yeah, well, there's a new one that we're...

Is it good?

It's going to come out on TV.

I think it's going to be on PBS.

Ooh.

It's called Adventures of the Elements.

And we actually...

It's based on a series of books that was written by a guy

and teaches...

Basically teaches kids about the periodic table.

Oh, boy.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, man.

Oh, wow. Magnesium.

Wow, excitement there.

In fact, one of my characters is named Ammonia.

Ammonia? Does he stink?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, man, that's nice.

And then one of my other main characters is Ned Nitrogen.

But we've got Lou Gossett Jr. working on it, too.

He does the voiceover work for the car.

Wait a minute.

He does the narration.

Is ammonia an element, or is it a compound?

How do you make ammonia? Chlorine and what else?

I don't know.

Tuck knows how. Tuck makes ammonia all the time. He helps it.

Nitrogen and hydrogen.

Nitrogen and hydrogen?

Makes ammonia?

Hey, we do some voices for cartoons.

I draw cartoons.

There's nothing about no ammonia and science and shit.

That's cool, man.

Two hydrogens and one nitrogen.

What kind of voices?

Now, you do a good Dora the Explorer, you said, right?

Yeah, that and SpongeBob.

SpongeBob.

Patrick from SpongeBob.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cool, man.

I'd rather do just...

I'd like to do a mile and a half.

That stuff is going to get you.

The little kid though

Was just brilliant

I thought when he wins the little kid

I was just like holy shit

I think Lonesome Loser

Is sending numbers

Under another name now called Desperado P

Or Desperado

This is for JJ Liquor

In Compton

We got Compton coming out the wazoo

Anybody out there

Also hang on

I was going to say

If anybody has any prank call requests

Right next to Rosecrans

Oh, really? Rosecrans? Yeah, that is.

West Rosecrans Avenue. That's cool.

So, you know, Milkman knows that. He used to go there a lot, apparently.

Yeah, that's right. Right off the 405 near LAX, man.

In LAX? Oh, near LAX. I heard it's a bad part of town.

Anyway, we got a number here. This one came in. This is a request.

Yeah, it's called South Central, formerly known as.

This is a guy called Eric. I'm going to send you the details.

Hollywood, you don't have to go, do you? I mean, you want to keep doing this

because you're doing better than I am. You play well off each other.

This is, let's see here.

Carlito, this is from Killer P.

Who sent this in?

Was it Killer P?

Yeah.

Killer P sent in a number for a guy

that has a race car for sale.

It's a piece of shit,

and he wants $4,000 for it.

It is worth maybe $500.

His name is Eric Dorn.

I thought it was Doom.

It's Dorn.

And he never finished a race with it

because he can't drive.

He's a toothless moron

and will get worked up easy.

That's good.

His wife, Jody, is divorcing him.

Jody.

You know, in the military,

when your wife leaves you,

or when you find out,

Like, if you're in the military and you find out your wife is cheating on you at home,

I think the saying is that your wife is, you know, hooking up with Jody.

That's, like, the whole saying.

I believe, and correct me if I'm wrong, any military people out there,

I believe that's the saying is Jody.

At least in the Army, that's what you say.

If I'm wrong, you know, I'm not a military guy myself, but I try to follow what I can.

I'll give you that Dear John letter.

Yeah, that would suck, yeah.

Anyway, you want to try that?

Did you get those details?

Do you think that's something we can work with?

Okay, okay, cool, cool, cool.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

All right, we're going to call that.

This is going to be the guy who's selling a race car.

A milkman, a musical request.

You are up, sir.

What would you like to hear?

You got a Funkadelic?

Sure I do.

George Clinton painting the White House black.

I'll tell you what, speaking of painting the White House black,

I'm signed up for Obama.

I'm going to be getting sent up for Obama text messages right now,

and Obama on Twitter.

and I'll be getting, basically, as soon as he decides

who's going to pick for his vice president on his running mate,

I'll be one of the first people to find out.

I'm really looking forward to that.

Okay, here's what we got, Milkman.

I've got Dr. Funkin' Scene or Atomic Dog.

What would you like to hear?

Dr. Funkin' Scene, Dr. Funkin' Scene.

Oh, I said Funkin' Scene, Funkin' Scene.

Okay, here we go.

All right, folks, hang on.

The next prank of the night coming up is an extra request

here on Madhouse Radio.

What's going on, man?

You still got that car for sale?

You got a car for sale for $4,000?

Race car?

One.

I need one like tomorrow.

Take cash?

Got anything else for sale, man?

This is Fred.

You don't need to know.

I'm going to pay you cash.

I'm not going to be giving you a check or anything.

Do you take cash?

Yeah, that's your bullshit.

Okay, the deal.

What kind of engine is in that car?

You need to know how much it's really worth.

350 Chevy.

Now, what kind of car is it exactly?

We're talking about the same car.

All right.

Now, what else do you have for sale?

Do you have any other cars?

Anything else?

$7,000.

I need to get out.

$4,000.

Come here, Eric.

Is this a $4,000?

dollars yes or no like i said i'm paying you cash call one your recorded call okay on the other line

we can get you cash right now but i need to know how much this car is really worth yeah we need to

know like we like i looked it up and this is uh this is jack valente the attorney i don't know

who you are all right do you know what time it is we're with eye cancer the international car

association of the american north and we're actually looking for this vehicle specifically

specifically for a race that's needed for tomorrow, the drag racing.

Have you had any luck at all with the car at all?

Have you had any success with it?

I mean, we're looking for some nice...

I've only raced it twice, but I don't know who you are, dude.

How'd you do?

It's 30 at night.

Did you get first place, or...?

I didn't.

Okay, what place did you get?

I don't know who you are.

I don't know what kind of bullshit you're playing here.

All right?

So just show up at our...

I'll bring my new girlfriend, Jody, with me.

Is that okay?

I don't know what you are.

Jody told us, Jody said, what are you going to do?

I'm an attorney, sir.

I carry a briefcase, and I had a picnic lunch with Jody the other day.

Tastes like sweet butter.

Did you know that?

Your girl, Jody, she tastes good.

Strawberries and butter.

Very nice.

Melted butter.

Maybe you can tell us how we taste, because we both had her.

We tag-teamed her, and then she was with you afterwards.

No, you're so full of fucking shit.

Don't be bad.

How do I taste?

Tell me how I taste.

Taste control.

One.

Someone's telling me refs.

You know what?

Fuck a rev up.

Fuck.

Have Jack Masterson call you back.

Like, I fucking care if Rev's on right now.

Fuck Rev, that fucking loser fucking bait asshole.

Fuck that fucking...

Nobody.

I don't even...

Who, exactly?

Thank you.

Thank good...

Why bring up Rev?

What the hell was on here?

Our little show.

Why bring up Rev right now?

I think Rev's on the Rev station.

He's got like five fucking losers on there.

I've done it.

Oh, I see.

He's got like his own channel.

Is he that syndicate no more?

Syndicate kicked him out.

He gets kicked out everywhere he's at.

because anyway long story short oh boy especially because he's funny oh yeah he's uh continuing on

what do we i think we're out of numbers for the time being you know what he's ceo of the band

hall and you say the same thing about him every time um i'm gonna draw the numbers i'm gonna take

a break real quick here and see if we get some more numbers in all right thanks for calling

the hollywood meet we'll have you call him later all right hey man no problem good luck with the

With the everything, you know?

Good luck with the weekend.

Happy tuna.

Yes, sir.

That is Hollywood Vagina, everybody.

If you don't know who he is, now you know who he is.

As

I was saying, I gotta take a break

I didn't know about the cartoon voices thing

I don't know what that was

No, it is

We got a request for UK pranks

I'll see if I can dig up some UK numbers

Lonesome's been really slow lately

I hope he's okay

I got like a number of you 10 minutes from him now

I think he's just busy

I'm ordering

It's a late show for him

And everybody else

You know what I'm really in the mood for though dude

I've been trying to eat healthier lately you know

And you know every break I do the sandwich thing

I'm just like I need a sandwich

and I do, it's a tradition here for Madhouse Radio

every break I get up

I make myself a sandwich, eat it

come back and do the show, all energized

with my sandwich injection

but lately for the last

3-4 months, my sandwiches

consist of spicy mustard

or maybe like a little

spicy mustard and

fat free cheese

and turkey

and man, tonight

I'm in the mood for

white bread with

With, like, some salami, beef salami.

Mayonnaise and onion.

And some mayonnaise and onion.

Exactly, man.

You know, I'm just, I haven't had mayonnaise in, like, months.

It just, there's something that, you know, it feels good to have, like, a good, a good.

You don't want to get extravagant.

Fry your salami.

You know, I do fry my bologna sometimes in the morning.

If I don't have bacon, you know, sometimes, you know, instead of doing bacon, which is really bad for me.

What do you do about that big bubble in the middle?

Do you pop it or do you slice it?

I slice it.

I make an X in the middle for the bubble.

As a matter of fact, I make an X right in the middle so it doesn't bubble up on me.

Oh, there you go, there you go.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

But, dude, yeah, you know, because...

It's an easier way to just put one slice right through the side of it,

and it won't make that little bubble.

On the side?

Like you split it down the side?

That's a good idea.

Yeah, one slice in the side of the bologna.

I never thought about that.

It won't make that bubble.

Good idea.

You've got to mute the manual, too.

Yeah, good idea.

I'll think about that.

It's a G-A-I-N-G.

Um, what I was, what I'm trying to say here.

Terry does pink.

That's the name of the baloney.

Yeah, um, what was I saying?

You guys interrupted me and I forgot.

Something about sandwiches, fattening sandwiches.

You said you're getting ready to use your traditional sandwich.

I am, but I don't want turkey.

You know, that's what I was going to say with bacon in the morning.

The reason I don't like to make bacon, yeah, I like the taste of bacon and all that.

It's good for breakfast.

But, it just, it stinks up the house so much.

You know, the house smells like bacon, you know, all day.

It gets on your clothes.

it gets really funky in the house.

So I actually, instead of that, I'll throw some bologna and just, you know, put that in the pan.

And, you know, I kind of get the taste of the meat kind of thing going on.

But, you know, stuff like that.

Lonesome Losers sitting in a number for John Logan here.

Anyway, come on.

Break time, right?

I'm going to make myself a...

Hey, the dead is in the house.

The dead's in the house.

You know what, Milkman?

I think I'm...

I'm not in the house.

You know what I'm going to do?

This is my plan for the weekend.

On Saturday, I'm going to take my hat off for now because it's hot in here.

on Saturday, I'm going to go tomorrow

I'm going to go to Publix

I'm going to buy myself a loaf

of French bread

and then I'm going to

no, no, no, no, no chicken

I had too much of that already this week

I'm going to get myself a loaf of French bread

here's how you do it

I'm going to get myself some eggs

and I'm going to get myself

some of that

really bad for you salami

you know the beef salami, not the hard salami

I mean, not the Cotto salami, but the beef one, you know, that you get in the package, you know, the Oscar Mayer brand.

Oh, yeah.

With the little pieces of pepper.

Little pieces of pepper.

Yes, I'm going to do that.

I'm going to slice that.

The garlic.

Yeah, I'm going to slice the French bread in half.

I'm going to put a whole layer down of salami.

A lot of garlic.

I'm going to make myself some scrambled eggs.

I'm going to put in the middle.

And top, I'm going to top it off with some Munster cheese.

cheese you guys are making arty hungry look out well whatever i'm in a hungry mood and i'm gonna

i'm gonna slather both ends and some mayonnaise i'm gonna turn the oven up to like about three

yeah i'm gonna turn the oven on to about like 320 i'm gonna put that bitch in there for about a good

you know good five six seven minutes and that's what i'm gonna have jalapeno cheese over top of

none of that none of that i'm gonna have myself a nice big sandwich in the morning

and then with some chocolate milk

and I'm going to go out

and I'm going to go watch

Tropic Thunder in the afternoon.

That's going to be my Saturday, everybody.

Look out.

And watch Rerun the Bunk Planet afterwards.

Good luck with all that, kid.

Thank you.

That's how you make a sandwich, man.

You're quite important.

Dude, it's just, man.

That's what I thought about.

Bagwood would be a shame.

I've been eating good for a while.

I think it's time for me

to be a fat ass this weekend.

I quit smoking pot, you know,

But still, sometimes you just want to have some fattening food.

Dude, I need mayonnaise.

I need a hit of mayonnaise, man.

It's time for Jack Masterson call.

Yes, it is.

Coming up after the break.

And Fat Albert, man.

And that's all I've got to say about that.

I'm going to eat bad this weekend.

I'm going to have a Carlito weekend.

Special Carlito Saturday.

Anyway, when we come back, Lonesome Losers back in the house is sending in numbers.

I was thinking of Saturday, you're just not doing the Saturday show no more?

Well, I was planning on...

I wanted to see a thing of that.

I did want to mention, I want to organize.

Milkman here found us a conference phone room kind of thing,

and I wanted to get, like, you know, me, Milkman, you, maybe Tuck,

and maybe I can get, like, Zolar and Lego and maybe Ted.

You know, a bunch of prankers, you know, together.

We're going to do a Saturday night special show or something.

Something on a Saturday where we do the conference shit again, you know,

like we used to do way back in the day.

I would like to do that.

I think it's time for us to do that.

It's a much better conference quality.

Yeah, it's a good...

Extremely better quality.

Exactly.

So that's coming up.

But actually, on Saturday,

I'm going to be interviewed on a local radio show here

for my prank call city.

I submitted it to them.

They came to me with interest,

and they said...

Yeah.

They said, come on in.

Yeah, so I'm going to be interviewed

on a local show here in the afternoon,

on Saturday afternoon.

So I'll get more...

Back on WPRK.

Exactly.

Exactly, exactly.

And everybody, if you want, go over to the main website, madhouselive.com,

and check out some changes to the website.

I've got a Twitter account.

You can follow me on that if you want now.

Most definitely, please do that.

Milkman, you should get on Twitter, man.

Twister.

Anyway, taking a break.

That's right.

Kitty Twister.

Enough talking.

Let's take a break.

We're going to come back and do some more prank calls and call it a night.

It is now 11.48 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, 8.48 in the West Coast.

We'll be right back in about five minutes.

Thank you, everybody, for listening.

Madhouse Radio on the Madhouse Radio Network.

Madhouselive.com.

SyndicateRadio.tv.

98.6themouth.com.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tell me all the games.

Fuck you, big motherfucker.

Back right after this.

I took a picture of you.

South Ham, let's go.

Guy tried to break in my truck.

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Yes, it's a long way to test out Puerto Rican.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

Hello?

Can I make an order, please?

Okay.

Five or your finest?

Just to get your phone number and your name.

Three, six, zero.

Okay, and your name?

I'm Jack.

Jack Rasmussen.

And what can I get for you?

I need to have five for four pizzas ready for me when I come here.

In about five minutes.

Okay, there is right now only four pepperoni pizzas.

I said there was five.

You promised me.

Yeah, there's going to be five in like two seconds, sir.

But if you don't get in before someone else, we can't save a hot and ready pizza for you.

Well, I'm doing call-ahead seating.

Okay, just one second.

Can you call in and order five pepperonis so we make sure they're good when you get here?

No.

You can't call it in.

They're hot and ready.

They're always ready.

Call it in makes us get it ready.

We will make sure that there's five.

What does it say on that paper that I can't call it in?

It doesn't say first come, first serve.

Taking me for a ride.

What?

Taking me for a ride.

Tell him that he's taking me, that I said he's taking me for a ride.

Who's he, sir?

The manager man that's back there saying.

He's not here.

He's gone, actually.

He just clocked off and left.

Well, whoever the other guy is who thinks he's, he's making you say these bad things to me.

Tell him that I said that he's taking me for a ride.

Are you prank calling us or something?

Excuse me, ma'am.

I was in Vietnam.

I would never, ever do it.

You know what they did to me?

It's in my belly.

And they didn't let it go any anti-septic on me.

No, he's saying that you need to shut your mouth.

I didn't say you need to shut your mouth.

I said...

Okay, sir, just calm down.

I didn't say she's lying.

I said you're taking me for a ride.

All right, all right.

You wanted five pepperonis?

Yeah, but you promised me that they'd be there, and then now she said there's only four too bad.

And then she said that I told you to shut up.

I didn't say that.

That's all right, sir.

It's all good.

Okay, you wanted five pepperonis, right?

Did you clock out already?

This isn't the manager.

No, but if you clocked out, no, you don't have to.

It's okay.

Put her back on, because you clocked out.

It's okay.

All right.

One moment.

All right.

Hello?

Hi.

When people clock out for the night, you don't make them go back on the phone to work, okay?

Because that's illegal.

Because he's not being compensated for the time.

Nobody, everybody that is here is on the clock.

The kid you just talked to is not the manager.

He said, see now you're lying to me.

You said he's a manager.

Do you want me to write your number down and have someone call you who can help you?

I'm not sure exactly what's wrong though.

Are you going to wake up the manager at home?

No, the manager just clocked off and got off work, sir.

Where is he at right now?

Get on the phone and call Gordon right now.

Why?

Because.

What is Gordon going to do?

I don't know.

Somebody's going to do something.

I don't understand why you're arguing with me.

What's the phone?

You just called.

Excuse me.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m.

That was funny.

Shut the hell up.

You fucking piece of shit.

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com

And toll free at 1-888-278-8509.

You know what, I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trapdoor at the bottom.

So when you die, you open that trapdoor at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

I sit alone in my four-cornered room

Staring at candles

When that shit is on

Let me drop some shit like this here

Headlight, I can't sleep

I toss and turn

Candles up in the dark

Peepers are probably getting down

And we are back

Hey, everybody.

Let me put my hat on.

Thank you, everybody who's still listening to us.

watching us. We have over 120

listeners and viewers right now.

I think everybody who's

hanging in with us on an

average show.

Excuse me.

That's the sandwich talking.

Thank you everybody for

checking in with us on an average show.

But a good show nonetheless.

We have a

wow. It's

good to see so many people enjoying the Madhouse

house radio show i enjoy this for all of you a lot of people checking in tonight we got dino g

whiz claven big curtains in the house caught his show earlier this week that was pretty cool

who the dad the dad can call in yeah of course the dad can call my shit i see uh uh the grinch

jonathan the grinch wants to call in as well he can call in as well of course i talked to

High Pitch Eric

The dad

And High Pitch Eric

Both called me the other day

When did they call me?

Yesterday

As a matter of fact

That was pretty funny

Let me play this prank call

Here from last week as well

Fine

Do you require

That I wear underwear

When I put on suits?

Well

If you're clean

I mean

Not if you're polluted

I mean

Usually they do

With some

When they buy them

They try them on without

But I mean

What if I

Let's just say

A friend of mine

Might have chlamydia

And is thinking about

Coming in

And trying on some bathing suits

Would that be a problem?

Well, look, just as long as they don't damage the bathing suit, put it this way, then we

shouldn't be trying them on without underwear.

But, I mean, what if he doesn't know?

What if he doesn't tell you?

Usually, after they try them on, you can tell, believe me.

No, it's microscopic.

Like, you know how big...

They usually try them on with a suit.

They usually do here.

What's up, Carlito?

What's up, bro?

Sorry I had to put you on hold there for a second.

I had to handle something.

How you doing, man?

Hey, what you up to?

too. I am good. I'm just here doing a show, as usual, you know, Thursday night. Trying

to do a show. Enjoying it here. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, just finished eating my sandwiches.

I said, you like sandwiches, Jonathan? Everyone likes sandwiches, right? I'm not much of a

sandwich person. The only sandwich I like is the meatball marinara. I used to be a big

fan of that, you know, get the meatball, meatball marinara, but you don't get to put, you know,

really, when you get the meatball sub, all you can really put is just meatballs, you

know? You can't have, or you can get cheese on it, too, I guess, but you can't really

have, you know, lettuce and onion.

I guess you could add onion. That's a good idea.

I haven't had a meatball sub. I used to

love the meatball sub from Subway.

I'll tell you what, I haven't had a meatball sub in a while

there. Yeah. It might be a good idea

for tomorrow. Maybe I'll do that for lunch tomorrow.

That's a good idea. Are there any

firehouse subs where you live, Jonathan? Have you ever had one of those?

You want to? Firehouse

subs. Do they have them? Yeah, we've got a bunch of

them around here. Firehouse subs, yeah.

I've been there

this week. I went there for the

The first time, I tell you, it's pretty good.

I'm a Quiznos fan, but those, God, Quiznos is so expensive for what they give you.

It's really not worth it.

They're good, but, like, for a large one.

You can get, like, they got this peppercorn one.

It's, like, nine bucks.

It's good, but it's really not worth the nine.

It's not worth the nine bucks, man.

But, you know, Blitzcase is Publix's.

We're a big fan of Publix's.

Milkman is.

You got Publix's.

There's no Publix's in Georgia, is there?

No, not really.

Not really.

But you've had Publix's before, though, right?

I think we've talked about this before, because you come to Florida a lot.

Yeah, I try the Publix sub.

They're all right.

They're the best, man.

Nothing beats a Publix sub, isn't there?

Their Cuban sandwich is actually, they've got a Cuban sub, which is huge, and it's really good, man.

You should look into it.

Look at how nice it is when you come to Florida.

Try the Cuban sub at Publix.

It's good stuff, man.

Do you have a start yet for you, or is that going to be next week?

It should be any day now, huh?

It was Monday.

I don't know this year.

Handicap students?

Short bus.

That's a lot easier, and it's more money.

Yeah, I bet it is easier, huh?

And more money, too?

Short buses are easier.

That's a good idea, man.

Good for you.

You said you do have an air-conditioned bus, though, right?

Or is it air-conditioned, the one you're going to be?

Yeah, I'm going to be getting bus 731.

Hmm, 731.

Yeah, it's a brand-new state international AC bus.

AC, God, that's nice.

I've never had the AC, man.

Luckily, you know, in Florida, we never went to school in, like, July, August, and September.

Well, it didn't September, but July and August never really had school.

And it gets really freaking hot, but still, like, in March, April, May.

And, God, man, it's just sweltering in those buses, man.

No A.C., windows down, and everything like that.

And my senior year, they finally started getting, like, air-conditioned buses.

buses and we were my route got the first one because we had the longest route we were the

furthest away from the high school so they gave us the air conditioning bus first man we were like

loving it dude it had like tinted windows and everything and had like a new radio inside that

we get all nice like nice speakers in and stuff that was really cool man i miss sometimes i do

miss uh i do miss high school you know because it was so easy back then you know you're i know

you're an older guy but you gotta remember in high school that the worst you had to deal with

or nothing compared to the kind of real-world problems that we have these days.

Yeah.

I was going to ask you, they're talking about the schools over here

that might not even have classes on Friday because of the prices of fuel and gas.

They might make it so it's only school Monday through Thursday

until the gas prices come down,

but apparently they're starting to come down a little bit.

Have you heard of anything like that where they might not have bus service

only Monday through Thursday, they'll skip it for Friday?

Have you heard anything about that at all?

No, Mr. McAllister.

He's going to be going.

Awesome.

What else is going on?

Anything new?

Still working?

Is he still the bus manager?

What is it called?

The lot driver, manager, whatever?

Um, general shop.

Shop foreman, yeah.

That guy.

Tell him I said what's up.

Remember he came into the chat room once?

He's like, are you the good Colby?

He got all upset at me.

Yeah, I remember.

He's a cool guy.

He's actually pretty nice.

Turned out to be a pretty cool dude, man.

All right.

All right, Jonathan, well, now's your time.

Say hi to your fans and listeners.

I'd like to say hello to all my fans and listeners.

And hope y'all have an extra weekend

And don't forget the big pay-per-view event

SummerSlam at WWE

Is that this weekend?

It's this Sunday at 7 o'clock

Wow, I miss Christmas

Good deal, man

And I'm having a big get-together

We're going to be watching that Sunday

Are you going to be split cost over there?

Going to have some people

Oh, the American girl almost fell down again

I'm watching the gymnastics over here

The white girl almost fell down

Yeah, that's cool.

Hey, um, so what are the, what are the, tell me real quick, what are the, because I don't

follow wrestling like I used to when I was in, in, in school.

Who's fighting?

Who's, what's like the main fight, like the main title card fight?

Uh, the, this Sunday, the main fight is Undertaker and Edge in Hellfell.

Uh, Undertaker has been reinstated.

Um.

He was suspended?

He got reinstated by the.

He was, I didn't know he was suspended.

He was suspended because of the illegal ones he did.

Oh, yeah.

but he's coming back

and he's really

going to tear

his head up

okay

cool

good for him man

well maybe I'll catch that

you never know

I'm going to go

alright brother man

well have fun over there

enjoy your pay per view

and we'll catch you next week

alright

y'all later

I'll see you

he's got like

something in the background

going on

some people laughing

at me I think

that's not very nice

that's not nice

man I got a killer headache

I don't know why

I just got a headache

just kicked me

kicked me in the head

all of a sudden here

let's keep playing

this prank call

from last week

I don't want to try on a real feel.

You know how on the head of a pen you can put like five eights?

It's required usually to put a bathing suit, wear something underneath it,

as women use to, or use their underwear.

I mean, that would be only the hygienic thing to do.

Yeah, but I'm not a woman.

All righty, well.

I have a penis and two testicles.

I understand that.

Well, once you narrow it down, you could try it on if you're more prone to buying it.

Okay, but it's just chlamydia.

I mean, that's something that's curable with, you know, antibiotics and stuff like that.

Well, they still usually try them on with underwear.

But between me and you, I mean, it's not, I mean, you know,

I'll probably buy it after I put it on anyway, right?

All right, why don't we come down and you can see them first.

Would you like to inspect my penis for the first time?

You know what, why don't you come down first?

I have people right in front of me.

Well, you tell me, just, if you can, like, hit the number one if you want to see my penis.

It's not the fact, if you're fine with it, that's okay.

I mean, let's narrow it down to see which ones you like,

and then you can try the one that you're most pumped by.

Let's narrow it down that I just want you to look at my penis up close.

Okay, that'll be fine.

You will do that?

Oh, good.

Okay, we'll see you here.

Okay, you said, okay, I'm coming down,

and you're going to look at my penis hole from up close.

Will you stick a straw in it?

No, I won't.

Just suck the committee out?

No, I won't.

All right, why don't you pour baby soup first, and we can go from there.

Do you have any catheters there?

No, I don't.

I have one on me, but it might be a little dirty.

Okay.

It has some gonorrhea on it.

That's lovely.

You have AIDS in your mouth.

Probably.

You probably do.

Thank you.

Bye, AIDS.

I have your number, by the way.

What's my number?

What is it?

Yeah, exactly.

AIDS in his mouth, everybody.

He has AIDS in his mouth.

Um, yeah.

Wasn't the dad going to be calling then?

I think I'm ending the show, man.

Lonesome Loser, hold off on the confirmations.

I got a really bad headache, man.

Oof.

Ah, that sucks.

It's been happening a lot lately.

Who's doing the breathing?

Is that you, Milkman?

No, dude, dude, dude, dude.

Stop breathing like that, Milkman.

You're on the fucking mic.

Why are you going to breathe like that?

Okay.

Take off your Darth Vader mask.

Please, don't do that if you're going to be on the show, Milkman.

Just mute yourself.

You're going to breathe like you're masturbating.

Nunu says, tell Milkman he used up his limit of toilet breaks for the rest of the year.

Ha, ha.

That's funny.

Milkman, you used the toilet.

Milkman shits in the toilet.

Bang, bang.

Okay.

Okay, I don't know where I'm going with this.

Let's do some UK calls and call it a night, okay?

Because I'm really, I got like, it's one of those, you know when you get a headache when it's like in your eye?

You know when it's like your eye socket, like an eye socket ache?

Where it starts there?

Yeah, one of those.

Hang on, folks.

Oh, it hurts to look at the bright lights on.

You need to watch the porn, man.

That'll take care of it.

Okay.

I'll suffer.

We'll be right back with another prank.

We're calling the UK.

UK wake up calls.

John Logan.

One moment, please.

Thank you.

That's going to be a problem.

We don't have an international card.

Milkman, your international card is out of funds.

Where's the card?

It says it's out of funds.

Oh, no.

Wah, wah.

We're out of funds.

That was the last one.

Shit.

Oh, yeah, because you're not in the Virgin Islands now.

You can't get any more of those sexy cards.

I know, dude.

Yeah.

I've come up with some more cards.

Dude.

Or it ends up in the air.

Show.

Hang on.

Okay, we got...

No, we're not calling a show yet.

Let's see.

We got another number here.

Colin Sweets.

We got a girl, let's see, her boyfriend will get pissed.

The chick's name is Amber Burger.

She wrote, said, Burger King.

I get it.

Not she, her boyfriend's name, but he gets pissed when I call.

All right, whatever.

We'll call her.

I'm going to invite her to do something sexual.

Hang on, folks.

And they're mentioning in the chat room, apparently there's something going on.

And I did hear about this today.

I read an article where they were talking about Bigfoot.

A body or some type of remnant of Bigfoot has been discovered

and is going to be revealed this weekend or tomorrow or something like that.

I heard about this.

I read about it briefly today.

Tomorrow, I guess.

Yeah, it was over at the Olympics.

Oh, yeah?

Is that who?

It was at the Olympics?

They found it in China?

Yeah.

Oh, man.

No, Sasquatch we're talking about, man.

Yeah.

No, the wet pack of Bigfoot from the Stern Show.

Yeah, that's who it is.

They found the original Bigfoot that died a few years ago.

Yeah.

Yeah, buddy.

Okay, anyway.

Come on, let's...

You know about the guy in the suit in the 1970 film?

Mm-hmm.

The one where he turned around a little bit like that?

Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

Yeah, that guy in the suit.

The suit?

They found the suit?

Yeah.

They found the suit, man, in a coffin.

And there was no body inside.

So where were the monkey suits?

Yeah.

Why not?

Oh, God, I feel like crap.

There used to be a star in the Tarzan show named Cheetah.

Yeah.

Um, yeah.

I'm going to do one called...

I'm sorry, Lonesome Loser.

I know Lonesome Loser confirmed a lot of UK numbers,

but, dude, I'm feeling really bad.

I'm going to do one more prank call here to this Amber Berger secret people.

Yeah, I know.

But Lonesome has a card, but still, that's just, ugh.

Well, he always does.

He uses it in the conferment, but I just, I'm not...

We're doing one now.

Why can't he call in?

Because he calls in and he calls in and he calls in and he calls in and he calls in.

Dude, let him call in.

You hang up on him in two minutes.

Just want to do his shit.

He calls in even off the air.

Hello, Amber.

When the show's off.

I know.

I heard about that.

Amber, Jacoby, and Zoe were unable to answer the phone right now.

Hi,

Amber.

How you doing, girlfriend?

All right, I'm in the show.

Hi, who's this?

Amber.

Have a seat.

Sorry, bro.

They answered in a few minutes.

It's okay.

Don't worry, dude.

It happens, man.

It's late, you know.

It's late.

It's hard to get people to call at this late at night because, you know, we get the UK

numbers to answer a lot of times because it's, you know, it's super early, basically, and

we wake them up out of their beds, and they're really nice.

Nice people, those in the UK.

Well, they get a little pissed off really quickly.

Movement, can you take us out of here, man?

Because really, I honestly feel like my head's going to explode.

I feel like I have encephalitis or something, man.

Oh, my God.

You're suffering the effects of that cataclysmic garlic bologna,

cotton salami sandwich with onion and Dijon mustard.

Dude, all I had, I had a piece of...

That's right.

I had low-carb bread with a piece of fat-free cheese and a piece of turkey.

That's all I had.

I didn't even put mustard on it.

Loving that.

I think that's what's wrong.

You got yourself all excited for that.

I mean, it was a lot of you, see?

Hey, it's Wendy.

Well, all right.

I guess what we can do is we can call the show.

Call it.

This conference call show.

Is there anything out here that we need for a special coming up?

Yeah, we're going to work on it.

I don't know.

Maybe next week.

We've got to organize it.

All right.

I'll talk that around the Madhouse boardroom here,

and we'll let you guys know the outcome here.

Yeah, as soon as the show is scheduled.

Well, I'd like to thank you guys for tuning in tonight.

Thank you to all of our friends out there.

Here's the Madhouse on 8.6 the mouth.

All of our great friends over at Trinity Radio, D-Mode, Zohar,

Very Best, G-Wiz, I-6-6, E-Ward, all you guys over there.

Man, thanks a lot.

Do-do-do-do.

And you know what?

We've got a call coming in.

Are we going to hang up on them, or are we going to go ahead with the sign-off?

No, I'm going to sign off, man.

The shadows are saying I'm a school...

The shadows say I'm a school...

ahead with the sign off then and i'd like to especially thank you all of our friends out there

and mr ted webb webb webb webb mr tux thank you so much for all your contributions as well uh game

green thank you so much thank you for not calling in uh douche thank you for uh getting yourself

banned from the uh long distance line we appreciate that everybody out there is cheering for you

hopefully you'll stay black and cool baby you know what i mean brother yes and uh especially

you our listeners our friends we love you out there you know why we do this every week the

most interactive radio internet show on the net right here 98.6 the mouth that's because we love

you our listeners you can tune in and bring a friend better yet send me an enemy's number

and we'll have some fun we'll get a laugh we'll have a mile to pass around everybody don't forget

they check in on the forums so there's some exciting things coming up as well and we love

Thank you so much, and I hope your heartburn gets a little bit better.

And if nothing else, take that bitch and back your car up over top.

We love you, brother.

She lives across the street.

As a matter of fact, I know exactly where she lives.

I already looked her up.

Yeah, I could do that.

So, yeah, like I said, sorry.

I said let's take a turd and put it in a bag and slap it across her windshield.

Oh, what's wrong with you, man?

Are you sick?

Dick, that's how you spread diseases in the common cold.

Tired burglar.

Show your titties.

Okay, thank you.

All right, thank you, Milkman.

And thank you, Tuck and Gangrene, for being in here, guys.

Golly gumdrop in the sugar doodle.

Sugar doodle pop.

Gangrene, you too.

Sugar balls.

I could go for some sugar balls right now.

What do you get when you're all a turd and powdered sugar?

Do I want to know?

What do you get?

Green shit.

thank you

I love Wendy

those are complaining about the hurricanes

we got hit with

anyway

it's a goonie gooboo

madhouse medal

tonight Olympic medal

made of 99.9% lead

senior's shop to collect

right on brother thanks

I know you said thanks to Lonesome Loser

but thanks to Lonesome Loser

I'm sorry I couldn't get to those last numbers

he sent in a lot of UK numbers

but we get them

I usually go back to the numbers

that we don't get to the next week

so those are on standby

we'll get those UK numbers

never misused

nothing like that

and thanks to everyone in Syndicate

we had a lot of people there in the 90s

we had over 20 people on Madhouse

and about another 20

yeah so we hit

about 120-130

on an average peak

so that's good

and everyone who listened

Listen, everybody, on all sides, all of you, all of you.

Coconut, I didn't even get to your news stories tonight.

Whatever.

It happens.

All right, we'll be here next week.

Thanks, everybody, for listening.

Sorry for the abrupt end.

I'm going to get some Advil and go to bed.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot for not calling in, dude.

Three kisses, we'll be in bed in five minutes, baby.

House Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you! Fuck you fucking...

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Calls (21, 56 min of 2 h 6 min)

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