2008-10-11 Show

You motherfucking bastard.

Remember when the black folk used to pick cotton?

You don't talk to me like that, bitch.

I don't even know who the fuck is.

Why don't you put your man on the phone, I said.

Fuck you.

What are you crying for?

He died.

Did someone die?

Ma'am?

Yes?

I have gas.

Listen.

Ow.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you.

Fucking Taylor's dick.

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

All right, everybody, Carlito here.

Tuck's here also.

Tuck, you're there.

Please say something.

Tuck, if you can hear the sound of my voice, please say something.

Nothing from Tuck right now.

Hey, everybody.

Everyone else hears me.

It is October the 11th, Saturday, 5.45 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

I'm Carlito, and I'm doing prank calls.

This is prank call number one.

We're attempting to prank call the Black Cock Inn, and this is in Wales, England.

The time in England at this time is 10.45 p.m.

It's still Saturday over there.

Thank you very much for joining me this afternoon.

Early evening, we'll be turning it over to whoever we turn it over to after we are done.

Someone will let me know about that, and I will let you know in turn.

For the time being, you're listening to Madhouse Radio, Saturday's show.

Thank you very much.

One moment, please.

Stand by.

Music to take a step to.

Send us a telephone number you wish to dial now.

Better not call 7-Eleven.

We know what's good for us.

Yes, sir.

Well, it doesn't look like this 7-Eleven card in particular is working.

So, we're going to need another international card.

Lonesome Loser said he had one on standby.

by, this one does not seem to be functioning

properly. So we'll look for that to come

through. In the meantime, we'll have to call somewhere in the United States.

Um, it just sits here and it does that.

It sits there and it does that.

And, uh, we can't have it do that, Tuck.

I mean, I just, I can't have that. You gotta, you gotta

work with me here, Tuck. Knock it off, Tuck.

Well, I'm trying to, dude.

I'm trying, I'm trying, baby.

Everybody, uh, this is Madhouse Radio,

madhouselive.com. Of course, we're on with our

brothers and sisters over on, uh,

syndicateradio.tv. What's up, guys?

Um, just, uh, coming in here, testing

Testing out some new equipment.

We had horrible technical problems and violence in studio last week.

And could not do the show on Thursday, but we're back today.

Very excited about that.

We'll be giving the toll-free line here momentarily.

We'll have some people might be calling in.

You can call in as well later.

In the time being, I'm just going to try to get something.

We're going to get a lot of numbers in Guam, which I don't think I can call.

Okay, we got something in Spokane, Washington.

This is the Annie Fanny's Bar, Grill, and Casino.

Actually, we got the Shamrock.

You know what?

Here's something.

in the vein of

remembering these Saturday shows

that we used to do here

and weekend shows

we used to do here

let's call the Shamrock Motel

and this is one of those

where you can actually

you know

in Motel 6

where you can enter

the room number

and it goes right through

you don't have to go

through the front desk

always fun right

guess what

the Shamrock Motel

same system

at the Shamrock Motel

motherfuckers

so let's try that everybody

here comes the Shamrock Motel

oh boy

check it out

check this one

are you okay

Here's the cool thing about the new mixer.

It's got effects.

So right here, I sound like, oh, word up.

You know, like, word up.

It's the code, word up.

Like that.

Isn't that cool?

Let's see what else we got here.

Hang on.

I've only played with this recently.

Here we go.

The audio effects, yes.

Check this out over here.

Yay, whistle ladies.

How y'all doing?

I think, like, all the way in zero, it's not much difference.

We can go to the man cave if you want.

Hello.

We're in the man cave.

Tuck's over there in the corner.

How you doing, Tuck?

Hey, Tuck's over there.

I'm drinking.

Tuck's drinking in the corner over there in the cave.

We're in the Madhouse Cave, everybody.

Shut up, you're a thief.

We need a dripping sound effect.

Anyway, come on, prank calls.

Get serious here.

Turn that off, Tuck.

Come on.

What am I paying you for?

Hang on just a moment here, Shamrock Hotel.

You're not paying me, sir.

The economy took care of that, didn't it?

Now you're outstripping.

I'm inspecting good things for the phone now.

The phone should sound a lot clearer now.

We're calling the Shamrock Motel.

Everyone let me know that's the case, please.

What's a good room number, Tuck?

In the 100s, right?

We should always pick 100-something?

Isn't that what we always say?

104?

104 it is.

Not available.

Try your call again later.

Oh, God.

And then I just hung up.

Perhaps we should get some confirmation before we try that instead.

Let's see if we got a toll-free card here,

rather an international card here yet.

Lonesome Loser has sent an international card.

Good news right there.

We're going to be calling England now.

That works for me.

Let's play some music music.

Let's just play bed music here.

Let's get things going a little bit here.

Let's pick a random...

He got the jams, motherfucker.

He got the jams, bitch.

I'm going to play 2 Live Crew really right now.

Here we go.

Here's a little Tribe Called Quest.

We haven't played them in a while here in this studio.

Just a moment, folks.

Here we go again.

Go for what?

Five down?

Let's try that again.

Let's play a different song here.

Maybe another song.

Play some ACDC, by the way.

Maybe another song.

That's better.

That, that...

Yes, yes.

Yes, yes, ACDC.

That's Positive We Gotta Call Music.

Uh-huh, there, okay.

Hey, guys, be sure to check out ACDC Radio.

That's on XM and Sirius now, right?

It's an XM station, but you can get it on the best of XM

if you're a Sirius subscriber.

I think that's right.

I don't know.

All I know is when I signed up for the best of XM,

which I feel is a rip-off,

the only good thing,

they told me I got ACDC.

I thought it was coming straight up to Sirius,

but apparently it's not.

Whatever.

Let's try this again.

We can do this.

Don't worry, we can do this.

You gotta put your neck into it.

Tuck, do you put your neck into it when you do it?

Of course you do, man.

I always do.

Do you always put your neck into it?

Do you like it when your ladies put their back into it?

I do.

I love it when ladies put their back into it and do it.

There's so much you can do with it.

Yeah, I love it.

Yeah, man.

Keep in mind that this is a new setup I'm working with here tonight,

so we are having some growing pains.

Speak with Terrence, please.

Hello.

They're just going to sit there and think, you know what?

I'm going to tell you what, Woodcock residents.

you can't just pick up the phone and take it off the hook

and think you're just going to waste my minutes or something

because my minutes are

eternal and they don't finish

and I really hope that

it's you Mr. Woodcock that's listening

on the other end of the line

so eventually we do do prank calls on this prank call show

I promise you

that was just a hang up so we're getting there

now at least we're getting that the calls are going through

now talking

they did yes

so that was people on the other line

so if you find this

Yes, ladies and gentlemen.

Guys in the syndicate, tell me when exactly, how long do I have to go on tonight?

When is the next show?

Is there a 7 o'clock show or a 6 o'clock show?

How does it work around here?

When is it?

Is Tabitha Stevens still going on at 8?

We'll stay on as long as we can.

You know

Maybe

Evil Artie says

The next show is on

Midnight

At 12

Wow

What happened

What's going on

Around here guys

Come on

Plenty of time

Alright well

Plenty of time

Okay anyway

Here we go

Billy Preston

Out of space

Just a moment

Artie don't make lies

Over there

No lies

Sir

No lies

Artie gets

Tuck over there

On the board

Artie gets

Minus one gold star

Already

Please if you don't mind

On the board sir

You're negative already

I can record it

On the phone

How dare they be on the phone

I'm calling you

I'm Carlito man

Alright so everybody

Here we go again

Yet another failure

In the meantime

We're going to be calling here

Now Nunu sent this in

He wanted us to do this Thursday

Nunu wanted this done Thursday

This is Orlando Cars

Orlando Cars is located

It is not here in Orlando where I live

Orlando Cars is actually located

In a town called Bolton

Which is near Manchester, England

So we're going to give them some confusion

And apparently they hate blind people

They refuse service

service to people with uh seeing eye dogs which is illegal in the united states of america and

we're about to let them know that that is part of this you know part of this thing that's part

of the argument here so hang on folks orlando cabs in england don't get confused this is not

my dad's company he doesn't own a cab company because i'll try not to just to let you know we

also have numbers coming in in philadelphia on north second street which apparently is a a

ghetto, a slum

type area. And you can tell by the

name of the businesses that are there

on North 2nd Street here. Now take this

out, everybody who's

listening. We've got Rodriguez

Grocery. Hey, Oriental

Sun. And we've got

Phillip Lockett. Guilty.

I want to call Rodriguez

Grocery. And we've got Jose

Grocery also. A bunch of bodegas.

Always fun. You know they're all fronts for

marijuana and stuff like that. All those

Puerto Ricans. Just a moment.

as far as they are all right orlando i didn't know that i need a hookup all right i'm filling

this one tuck i think this one's on hello is this the orlando car taxi it is excellent i am waiting

on my taxi car machine i have just flown in and i am an american and i would hope that i mean what

kind of number system do you folks use here exactly because maybe i have arrived early and

and you think I'm supposed to come later.

Um, I don't understand. Are we supposed to be picking you up?

Yes, you're supposed to be picking me up here,

and I'm going to be taking a ride,

and I have been waiting here for quite some time for my ride to the airport

so I may return home to the United States of America.

Right, well, where are we supposed to be?

You're supposed to pick me up from my residence, sir.

Yeah, what's your residence address?

I'm here in Orlando, and we just got finished seeing Mickey Mouse,

and I would like to have a trip expeditiously to the airport machine and your car machine.

at which time I will board the plane,

flight number 711,

and I'll be landing in Manchester,

and you folks can pick me up in Manchester

and bring me to my hotel.

Right, where's your hotel?

Well, it's in Orlando.

In America.

This is Orlando Cars, is it not?

Yeah, in Bolton.

Yeah, exactly.

This is Mike Bolton,

and I'm waiting for my ride from the airport.

This is Orlando Cars,

and you guys, you know,

this trip involves Orlando,

where my destination of departure

and my arrival as well

Oh, or in Orlando, in relation to you.

Yeah, in Orlando or Bolton.

Exactly, this is Bolton.

In England.

This is Bolton, right?

That's what I'm saying, this is Bolton.

Right, so I don't understand where you want me to come from.

Well, I am Bruce Bolton.

Yeah.

And I need a ride in the vicinity of Orlando.

And I am calling Orlando Cars, and you say that you're Bolton, so that is me.

I'm waiting for my ride as soon as possible, please.

I've been waiting here for quite some time.

Right, but where are you?

This is Orlando?

Is this Orlando?

What's your host address?

Precisely, that's where I'm waiting, at the host address here.

I have it written down, host address.

What's the host address?

This is Orlando.

I'm not from here, so I don't know the exact...

I mean, I made arrangements.

They're supposed to come here to pick me up.

The concierge, one of the French gentlemen.

Do you know the French gentleman at the hotel, the concierge?

Do you know who I'm talking about?

No.

Well, he makes the arrangements for the Orlando cars, the cars of Orlando.

Well, he must have made arrangements with somebody else.

But, ma'am, I have a confirmation number here.

What is your number system?

What is your number system right now?

The number that you're calling on.

No, the system of numbers that you use here in Orlando, at Orlando.

We don't have a system of numbers.

So you don't have mathematics here?

No.

So how do you know when to come pick me up?

When the sun is in a certain position?

No, when you actually book from a host address.

Well, I am at the host address now.

What's your host address?

I'm expecting my, it's 1, 2, 3, Sesame Street.

Very funny.

1, 2, 3, Sesame Street.

Yeah.

Okay.

I think you've wasted enough of my time.

Four minutes was plenty.

As a matter of fact, it's three minutes, 22 seconds.

The problem being is that they don't have a proper number system over there in the United Kingdom.

And when I tell, you know, she's thinking it's four minutes already.

But it's not four minutes, everybody.

It is, how long is it?

Three minutes and 52 seconds.

Let's correct her on that real quick.

I was explaining to that young gentleman there that...

What young gentleman? We don't have a young gentleman here.

Well, I was just talking to either a woman or a son, and he or she...

Well, if you don't know who you were talking to, then how can you say that you were talking to a man or a woman?

You can't see over the phone, can you?

Excuse me, ma'am. Why do you folks...

Sorry, I'm not a man. I'm a fellow, you know.

Well, why do you allow women to answer the phone, such as yourself?

Sorry? Because you sound like a woman.

That's why we have to ask a woman to answer the phone for you.

Ma'am, I have a penis and two testicles.

Oh, do you think so?

Yes, I do.

Oh, I don't think so, mate.

Would you like to see them?

Hey, show it to yourself, yeah?

I bet you've got a mirror in your house.

You hear that?

Have you got a mirror?

I have four inches.

Yeah, well, if you haven't, go and buy one.

They've got a sale in August.

August.

Do you measure the penis in centimeters or kilograms here, sir?

It is great.

How do they measure the penis?

How do they know over there?

Because we have a small penis over there.

I am every week.

You know, I can weigh, if I weigh 280 pounds here in America, I only weigh like 30 kilograms.

So everything is small over there.

So when they can see an American like me and I pull out my penis, it's much bigger than what they're used to.

I think he's confused.

Let's call him again.

That's right.

Their math is all weird.

He was great, though.

You should call him every week.

32 minutes for this call.

Are you calling him back again?

Yep.

Pull something from the old playbook here.

Why don't you go check to see your mother's wearing underwear?

Go check and see if your mother's wearing underwear.

language do you speak sir

you disgusting immigrant

over here

do you take all the American

taking all the American jobs

you bastard

get out of my country right now

old mech

Couscous Olmec

Couscous

It would appear to be that

The monkeys took over the phone over there

Was that Indian or Arabic?

I don't know

I think it was just gibberish

You gotta get a black guy to talk to that guy

I think he was just fucking with you at that point

and just acting, saying gibberish.

A boogaloo, boogaloo, boogaloo.

Like, you know, it's like, you know,

when I did the old Happy Meets song call.

I was just saying gibberish.

That's what he was doing.

All right, so let's call back,

and apparently they're Indian, I'm being told.

I have my confirmation from Nunu.

So we should have said,

what are those Indian curses?

Matar chad, matar chad, right?

What's the other one?

Lan, big lan.

Let's let him stew

In his giblets for a little while

And then we'll call back and insult him

In Indian

Nunu doesn't know

It didn't sound Arabic to me

It had a touch of Punjab to it

So I believe that was actually Indian

If you're just tuning in now

And you're confused

This is a mad show

This is an angry madhouse show

It is June the 12th

No, actually, it's 6.12 p.m.

October 11th, 2008, we're on in the afternoon.

We're on because I just wanted to go on.

I didn't go on Thursday.

Please tell all your friends.

Dino said he would like to call in.

Dino will be joining us here later on at the top of the hour,

the bottom of the half of the hour or something.

I don't know when.

So if anybody out there wants to send in your prank call request, please do.

You can message me on Madhouse Radio.

That's the username if you're using AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger.

messenger you can also go into the chat room and send me a message as well there that also works

and be sure to take advantage of that in a chat room send me a private message and send me those

requests also visit madhouse live.com and there you can also send your free prank requests using

our easy to fill out form i want to say a big what's up to everyone who is tuning in at this

time of course lots of losers in the house the new news as well checking in tucks in there as

well he's also here in studio with me taking up the number two chair milkman is recovering from

From ankle surgery tonight, and our prayers are with Milkman.

Anybody out there, if you have any...

Ankle surgery.

Yes, he did have ankle surgery.

What happened to his ankle?

He pulled a groin or something.

Did he get hobbled to the computer?

No.

Did he get hobbled to the computer?

He pulled a groin.

Also want to say what's up.

Zolar, of course, is in the house.

Evil Artie, Dino, G-Wiz over there holding things down earlier.

Bad Boys of Ohio are checking in as well.

Emmy Rose, Evil Shuley, Blitz is in the house.

A lot of guests. Who else is in here?

The big machine. Machine is in here.

We already talked about new, new. The Ford Show.

We're going to go on at some point tonight.

8 o'clock, 7 o'clock, 9 o'clock,

10 o'clock. One of those times.

Pick it and that's when they're going on.

10 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

Alright, there you go. The Ford Show.

Ford Show Party Nation will be on

later on tonight. 10 p.m. Eastern

Standard Time only on SyndicateRadio.tv.

Your home for Syndicate Radio

Transvestites. Speaking of which,

Let's just go ahead and do the next prank call

This one is to

This one is in Philadelphia

To Rodriguez Grocery

Rodriguez Grocery

I need some music for Rodriguez

What kind of music would they have playing?

Rodriguez Grocery

Abu

ABU

What's that?

I kill your chicken

What is that?

Oh, isn't that

What is that?

Blink

Blink 182

Wasn't that

Was it them?

No, no

It was Ween

That's a Ween song, I think, right?

right yeah yeah okay maybe not dude what is it i kill your chicken maybe oh this one here buenos

tardes amigo yeah maybe okay let's play that yes amigo hang on folks we're calling rodriguez

grocery i have lottery there the lot lot lottery do you do the lottery there no no no have lottery

are you there oh hello how much are your plantains do you maybe do five for one dollar

i thought that would be i thought that would have been funnier i guess not showed you how

that song is just yeah yeah okay makes perfect sense dude all right let's uh let's call back

let's see if we get some anger there and obviously that's not gonna work so we're gonna go and call

the next one here i just want to say a big what's up to crazy fucker also in the house

Crazy fucker also checking in.

What's up, man?

Good to see you, man.

Maybe we can check in with him later on.

Maybe.

Hey, I've got audio of crazy fucker singing the Star Spangled Banner.

Did you hear that audio yet?

Maybe he's reading more articles about you in the New York Times or whatever.

New York Times.

Did you hear the audio of crazy fucker singing the Star Spangled Banner?

It's like an old one or it's like something recent?

It's an old one that was just recently discovered again.

Hang on, let's try that here.

This is crazy fucker from an episode.

episode this is from the october 19th 2006 episode going back if it'll start any any day now it's

taking its time we'll wait for that let me sing the star spangled banner before i go

and remember when the black folk used to pick cotton

Now, aren't you that guy kicking down your sister or your daughter's cotton underpants?

Yeah, that's the way cotton underpants like to pick you down.

Why throw the cotton underpants?

Cotton underpants.

Right on, man.

Okay.

He just hung up.

Crazy fucker.

Hey.

Crazy fucker is in some movie tonight, everybody.

That's awesome.

Cotton underpants, everybody.

Whatever that means.

Apparently, that's the new version of the Star Spangled Banner.

um we have a prior picking time now everybody be sure to uh buy a t-shirt and uh support and

keep the uh cotton uh industry going along exactly cotton industry the cotton industry

is the most important industry in the south and talk you're from tennessee and you're a cotton

uh cotton plantation owner you're a son of a plantation owner they're uh getting picked

picked right now good good for you man crack that here real closely crack that real closely you can

sing him uh you can you can you can hear him uh singing hymns ain't nobody gonna call me down

way down moses in egypt land yeah i hear them over there okay good anyway so we're gonna call

the albalal uh albalal uh is an indian restaurant that we called a long time ago they got caught

with cockroaches inside the restaurant we probably call them on april 20th of this year

That is a classic prank call called American Bastard, which you can also hear, if you want, over at the main website, and that's over at, what's that called, madhouselive.com.

That's where we post stuff like that.

That's what I hear.

That's what you hear.

All right, so let's give them a call here.

This is Albalal Restaurant.

Hello?

Excuse me while I kiss this guy real quick.

Would you like to order?

Yes, I'm ordering pillow rice.

Is it the yellow rice?

It said, look, I really only, my first language is American, I'm from America, and not this

English stuff, and this one here says P-I-L-A-U, so I know the U, like, it's that one, there's

two S, I'm explaining, I want the whole thing, not just a portion.

The thing is one portion, you got two pieces, and the chutney.

What I'm saying, I don't want a portion of the order, I want the whole order, you know,

I want the whole thing, not just a part of it, not a portion, you want a completion of

it.

Yeah, yeah, you know, like, uh, we, that is a whole bit.

Hours, 27 minutes for this call.

Yeah, okay, two completions, yeah.

Okay, great.

Two, two, yeah.

Two, two of them, yeah.

Is this the Albala?

Yep.

Son of a bitch, all right.

Hey, I made an order there about a month ago, and it was great,

and I wanted to see if I could repeat this wonderful experience when I was on vacation.

How are you today, sir?

Sorry, say again, sir?

I want to make a food order, please.

Please. Yes, I am from America, and I'm staying in a brief hotel here, one of the hotel machines.

And about a month ago, I was in town, and I believe I ordered from you folks.

You guys have the pita rice, right?

We don't deliver, sir. You have to pick it up.

Okay, we'll tell you what. I will come pick it up.

Last time, my associate, Artie, came to pick it up.

And this time, I will pick it up myself.

Yeah, no problem. We'll sell that one out for you.

Okay. Now, would you describe this restaurant that you have there?

You could eat off the floor. It's clean, right?

good all right so i would like an order for rice the piece you see that it says here in the paper

hang on let me look no it's just rice rice rice yes that's the one how do you say it i don't know

how you say well which way you're saying i was hungry because i'm american no i have faced like

which way you say i have faced a lot of discrimination sir i have faced a lot of

discrimination here and at home right yeah and a lot of people look at me i have a physical problem

I was burnt on the side of the face you ever see Batman when they threw yeah

yeah yeah you remember when us to face he got the stuff when Scarface through

the acid on on to face and he had the one side of the face that was different

than the left side if you want a food why not battery batteries before you

order anything just come down we can um no no no no no it needs to be for you

help me

I'm busy right now.

Help me, I want to make an order.

No, no.

Because I don't want to stay in Taiwan.

You're refusing me service.

You're not allowed to refuse service in this country.

Okay, well, write down, do you have your pen handy and your paper?

Yeah, just go.

Okay, I need two pillow rice and one king buna,

two chicken tikka masala and two pershawari naan.

Two pershawari naan, yeah.

Yeah.

Do you have lawn bread?

Yeah, we do.

Lawn bread, do you have it?

Yeah.

Okay, well, put me down for two lawns.

How big are the lawns?

Do they get large?

Like, would you say maybe, like, how many centimeters?

Would they feed enough, like, for five people?

No, it will be each lawn, each person.

Okay.

Now, the lawn bread, is that the one that you put the tzatziki sauce on top of?

Or you dip it first before you put it in?

You can eat it either way.

Can you put it in the clam, the lawn bread?

Right, sir.

I think it's a little bit...

Oh, well, forget the lawn bread.

Just, did you get me for the...

What do you do?

Give me a ring again later on so we can call you out, because I'm busy right now, so...

Take my order.

If you refuse service...

Refuse service.

My God, I'm trying to get him worked up.

Now, let's call back that Orlando Cabs, that very angry Hindu guy.

Yeah.

Just a moment.

Thank you, sir.

Okay, who would you like?

I'm sorry?

Who would you like?

I see the chicken curry with extra cockroaches.

Pardon?

With extra cockroaches, please.

Where are you calling from?

United States of America.

Do you have any palmetto beetles?

We call them cockroaches.

Sir?

Come here and say that.

Well, I'm making an order.

It's a free country, sir.

This is America.

I make an order where I want.

I feel like I want.

No, I want.

Now, close your mouth.

Sir, I'm American.

Watch your mouth.

Shut the fuck up, you bastard.

Excuse me, this is...

American bastard.

How dare you, sir.

Shut up.

After what we've done for you.

You wake up in the morning, you thank the God for us.

Madhouse rate.

Yeah, that's the pooch.

Yeah.

It's on the block.

You want to hear it now, boy?

Yeah.

For this call.

Yes, hello, I would like a taxi cab to come pick me up, please.

Where from?

Well, here's the problem.

Apparently you folks use a different numbering system here,

and now I've been waiting for another...

I've already spoke to you once.

I don't know anything about it.

We talked about three hours ago, and...

No, not with me.

Well, maybe it was 30 minutes here in the UK,

but in America's superior time, it was three hours.

And then when I called back, because you hung up on me, sir,

this woman came on and was going, like, making very bad noises with the mouth and the phone

and speaking in some kind of barbaric tone to me.

And I was very taken aback.

And I want your badge number and your ID, your social ID number,

because I am going to draw a lawsuit up when I make it to Orlando.

All right, well, you draw a lawsuit to bring this number to ring.

Okay, bye.

Why don't you piss off?

Damn it.

I want to get the guy.

Now that they're on guard again, they'll probably put him back on.

Let's try that again.

Where's Milkman at anyway?

Groin surgery or something.

Oh yeah, that's right.

They can't keep it off the hook forever because they're going to lose business.

We'll give them a call again later.

In the meantime, let me call back the Albalal Restaurant.

This is Albalal Restaurant once again.

We talked to them before, now we're talking to them again.

Albalal?

And you'll listen to Gangstar, Code of the Streets, 98.6 The Mouth, and SenecaRadio.tv.

Yes, may I speak with the head immigrant in charge, please?

Sorry?

I need to speak with the head immigrant in charge, please.

Yeah, you can speak to me.

Are you the head immigrant, or is there someone, another immigrant of higher status than you at this location?

What do you mean by head immigrant?

Well, there's always one immigrant in a group that is the alpha immigrant and makes the decisions,

and that's who i wanted to talk to right now because someone said bad things to me on the

phone and hung up and refused me service and i am going i'm going to sue you and because this is

america so i i order you now to put the head immigrant in charge on the phone before i make

a lawsuit against you sir and you can do whatever you like then yeah and that's it how you sound

I feel like you're a very short guy who likes to drink chai lattes.

Eh?

Is the head immigrant there, please?

Yes.

I told you I'm speaking.

You can speak to me.

Okay, immigrant.

Now, my question for you is, I don't know your name.

What is your name?

Doesn't matter my name.

Speak to me.

By law, you have to give me your name and your ID number, your badge number.

Okay.

What's your name first?

My name is Jack Valente.

Okay.

My name is Peter.

Your name is not Peter, son of a bitch.

What is your real name?

What is your name, son of a bitch?

Excuse me, sir.

Don't say bad words.

I'm telling you the same thing.

No, I'm defending myself.

I'm defending myself and I'm allowed to say son of a bitch to you.

But you're not allowed to say it to me.

No, no, I am allowed to say it to you because you are a real son of a bitch.

I am not a real son of a bitch.

And I can call you a bastard as well, yeah?

Is your mother wearing underwear right now?

You are a motherfucking motherfucker as well.

I've never been a motherfucker.

I fuck your mother.

Yeah.

I'm too tired.

We are listening to you.

Listen.

We are listening to you.

You are a motherfucking motherfucker, boss.

Peter.

A motherfucker, boss.

That made it.

That made it into the site.

Hollywood vagina.

Sample that.

Yeah, please.

Hollywood vagina.

Virgina.

All right, everybody.

Apparently, you're allowed...

It's like a gun law here in the States.

You know, you're allowed to defend yourself with curse words.

It wasn't self-defense.

What kind of horse shit is that?

He's a self-defense man.

All right.

In the meantime, let's go ahead and call someone here in the United States.

Oh, here we go.

Here's something.

We haven't talked to them in a while.

We've got the New York Grill coming in per request.

Lonesome Loser has sent the number as well.

The New York Grill, we've called them a few times.

They're in Tokyo, Japan.

They're a legitimate New York Grill.

Oh, that's in America, though.

Yeah.

Well, no, but they're a New York-style grill over there.

And what have we done over there?

We've propositioned.

Yeah, we said...

You know, the little Chinese girls, Japanese girls over there, and...

Yeah, and this all kind of ties...

...can be illegal things to get you if it was in the U.S.

That's right, and apparently this year, this ties in with our last prank call, Speaking of Mothers.

This is the same place we're about to call right now.

Hang on a moment, folks.

Listen to this prank call, and we're going to call them actually in real time.

Tokyo, Japan, coming up.

Thank you for calling.

This is Tokyo, New York, and you're on the line.

Shut up. Shut up.

Mushy, mushy.

Hi, are you an American English speaker?

Yes, this is New Greenberg. How may I help you?

Oh, this is Vagina Jones. How are you doing?

I'm good. How are you doing?

Do you remember Vagina Jones?

I'm sorry?

Do you remember me? I'm Vagina Jones.

Mr. Vagina Jones?

Yeah, you remember me?

Sorry, how do you spell your name?

Vagina, V-A-G-I-N-A.

Last name Jones, J-O-N-E-S.

J-O-N-E-S

Vagina Jones.

V-A-G-I-N-A

22 minutes for this call.

Good morning. This is Takahaya Tokyo. May I help you?

Good morning. I just woke up, and I had a lot to drink last night.

And they say that the best cancer for the cure is the hair of the dog.

So, do you guys have a bar? You have a bar there, correct?

correct? Yes, there are two bars at our hotel. Wow, there's two bars in this hotel? Yes.

Can I have a steak made and brought to my room? Would that be possible? I'm sorry? Could

I have a steak made on the grill and then you bring it up to my room? Would that be

be possible um sorry it's um oh you mean uh oh uh only the restaurant at uh 41st floor is open now

uh-huh but i'm in the hotel you understand i'm staying in the hotel careful my wife's my wife's

looking at me oh i'm sorry quiet quiet my wife's like looking at me hang on don't act normal act

natural shut up you're gonna get me in trouble man i'm on my honeymoon hang on don't go anywhere

okay what's going on hector's at the door can you tell hector it's gonna be a moment he's got

You got to go downstairs, please.

Give me a second, all right?

Give me a second.

I'll be right there.

Quiet, you.

All right, there's a Puerto Rican at the door, so I have to go.

All right?

But I'm going to be calling you back.

Yes, I'm sorry.

Which room are you staying?

Look, we'll take care of that later.

I got to go.

Don't you understand?

Hang up the phone.

Hang it up.

Hang up the phone now.

Yes?

Fucking women over there.

Don't listen.

All right, there's some...

I'm selling my car.

The guy who's coming to pick up the car that I sold just showed up.

So give me a second here.

I got to play something.

I'll be right back.

I gotta find something long

Tuck

Give me something long that I can play

Hang on, I gotta take care of some business real quick

Everybody, give me like, you know, five minutes or something

If I can find us

Where do I

You know, I told this fucking guy, come early

He didn't show up

I'll be right back, folks, don't go anywhere, please

Let's get right back where we left off

Now that all the drama is gone

And my person alive

Who else is here?

Still no milkman

He's still working on his ankle aids

Okay, so

Who were we calling?

The New York Grill?

Was that who it was?

New York Grill

I have no idea

Yes, it was

It was the New York Grill

Okay, folks, we're going back to live prank calls

You called him and you had to hang up abruptly

Yeah, I had to

I had no choice

Do you know where you were in the

I know

But do you know where you were in the

Content there?

What was I doing?

I already forgot, dude

I'm a stoner

What can I say?

What was I doing?

You called her

I don't

You called her

I can't remember what the thing was

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I wanted a steak in my room

Steak in my room

That's what it was

And then your wife came and interrupted you

And you didn't call her back

In real life

Hey, how are you doing again?

Hello

Hey, good, remember I was talking to you

And my wife came in the room

Hello.

Sorry, sir.

I'm afraid I don't catch you.

Well, you don't...

This is Park High in Tokyo.

Yeah, this is the...

I'm staying in the hotel.

Okay?

Yes.

Okay.

And I was calling before because I wanted to have a steak brought to my room by...

From the New York Grill?

Yes, from the New York Grill to my room because I am in the same hotel, you know.

I'm staying in your hotel?

Yes.

May I have your room number, please?

My room number is 118.

118?

Right.

Sir, I'm afraid we don't have such a room number.

What are your room numbers like?

Are they single, like two digits or three digits?

May I have your last name, please, sir?

It's Jones, J-O-N-E-S.

J-O-N-E-S.

Yes.

May I have your first name?

It's V-A-G-I-N-A.

V like victory.

Right.

A-G.

A like April.

G like Germany.

Right.

I like India.

N like Nepal.

Ah, you like that one.

And then A.

Thank you very much.

Your first name is Mr. Vagina Jones.

No, you're saying it wrong. It's Vagina.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Vagina.

I'm afraid you said you're staying here right now.

Not yet, no. I will be coming in, and when I check in,

I would like to have a prepared steak with potatoes next to it.

Do you cut your potatoes long or short ways?

Hold the line, please.

Are you putting me on?

Is there a French man that works there who's kind of rude with people?

Do you know who I'm talking about?

Our manager is French.

Ah, that's the guy.

What's his name?

Jean-Pierre?

No, Philippe.

Mr. Philippe Borde.

That's him.

That's who I need to talk to.

Philippe Borde.

Oh, sir, I'm afraid it's 8 o'clock here, and he's not in here.

And the New York grill is coming in at 9.30 in the morning.

Well, here's the thing.

When I came in once and this woman provided a service for me with the meat,

she made, do you know how to make, do you do the service where you make the meat disappear?

Do you know what I'm talking about?

Where the meat, you make it disappear inside and it comes out and it has like a different taste to it.

Almost like, how do you say, like a fishy kind of taste to it.

I'm afraid I don't because I'm the hotel operator.

Well, have you know the type of show that I'm talking about

out where the woman sits down and she makes the meat the piece of meat disappear and it comes out

and it has like a different flavor to it almost like almost like a fish sauce flavor and then you

put it on the grill after that right there in the hibachi grill right next to the right in the hotel

room she did this and then we both ate it together with wine in your room yes so you order a room

service i can't she came in and she brought the raw piece of meat and she put it inside of her

inside her vagina and then she left it in there for a little while and she went like

like that and then she put it we we turned on the little grill on the side and we made the steak

like rare like a rare steak and then we both ate it i think it was like a chianti or like a red wine

or a boujee boujee dough you know that wine that you guys have there madam oh the line please who

Who are you putting me through to?

Uh-oh.

Japanese security service

coming up next.

Linu says we're going to

call the retirement home next.

I think Athena's mad at her

because I told her

to go do something.

Crazy fuckers

trying to call

on the wrong line.

This is taking

a goddamn long time.

Anyway, so if you're

tuning in,

this is Madhouse Radio

Saturday show,

7 p.m.

A little after 7 p.m.

on a Saturday,

October the 11th.

Tuck's here with me.

This is Crowley.

Laid back.

This is nice music.

Very relaxing.

Who do you...

I wonder who...

Do you think she's getting someone in the, uh, maybe she's conference calling someone.

Let's play, ooh, look at that.

That's cool, see, look at that.

I can change, I got, like, the echo sound again.

I like that.

Let's pick another number here.

I'm gonna go with, let's see what number 69 does.

53, 64, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9.

Alright, crazy fuck, I'm gonna shut the cell phone off now.

Oh, I know why, I forgot to set the cell phone to forward like it's supposed to.

He's probably trying to call the toll-free line.

Hang on, crazy fucker, you'll be able to get through soon.

how do you do this

phone call forwarding

unconditional

this is taking too

god damn long dude

she's waiting me out

she knows the drill

she knows how to

handle you

she's like that

well didn't we say

before in Japan

when they're

when they're getting

called like this

they'll actually just

put you on hold

like eternal hold

instead of just

taking too fucking long

their whole culture

is not being rude

but having a way

around it

respect

respectful

we're abrupt

to say

fuck you motherfucker

there's a respectful

way to be rude

very good hang on give me give me just a moment here folks we're gonna part of it we're gonna do

the next prank call of the night this is the square dance center whoo yay

how are you doing speak english how are you brother yes i'm looking for a meat show

a meat show do you guys have the meat show there i heard this is the place

where you can get the meat show yeah do you have meat there do you do meats i can't understand

Do you know what a meat is?

Meat?

Yes, meat.

Meat.

I'm a priest.

Oh, Jesus.

I go to sleep.

You go to sleep.

You're hanging up.

You're sleeping.

You bad prank caller.

We know who you are.

Hey, just in time.

Mushy Mushy.

Mushy, hi.

Hey, good.

Can I help you?

Yes, do you have meats there?

Steak meats?

I don't eat meat.

Is this a vegetarian?

place? You don't have steak meats?

We only have salads, but we don't have

vegetarian food.

You don't have vegetables and fluids?

We only have salads for vegetarian.

No, but I want meat. I'm not a vegetarian.

I want meats. Oh, we have

meats, yes. Do you have the beef

meats? Yes, of course.

Like steak meats? So,

in accordance with that, do you also

do the meat show that I've heard

so much about?

I'm sorry, I didn't understand that.

The meat show is, you know,

No, I don't want to be vulgar, but a woman makes the meat disappear like David Copperfield.

Well, I'm sorry, I don't know that.

Do you know who David Copperfield is?

No.

Okay, let me tell you what.

If I had a meat, I had one meat, right?

You know what one meat is?

Okay, I'm going to take the meat, and on top of it, I'm going to put a napkin.

Okay.

And then I pull the napkin away, and the meat is no more meat in my hands.

Do you understand that?

Yeah.

Okay, so what happened to the meat?

It disappeared, right?

Okay.

So I am looking for the meat show

Where the woman comes and brings the meat

And then she makes it disappear

Do you understand what I'm

You know I'm trying to speak down to you

As much as I can

Are you following

I mean

Would you be

I've heard in Japan they do this thing

Where they make the meat disappear

And then they

And then they put it on the grill

And then they eat it

Okay

Because apparently you guys have some

Type of sexual dysfunctions and stuff

I think it's because you guys

Don't have a lot of space here

Well, we don't do that.

I'm sorry.

You don't do space or you don't do meat show?

No, I'm sorry.

Well, have you heard?

Do you know anywhere that I can get the meat show?

Can you wait for me, please?

I'm not waiting for more than like a minute.

So you have to be fast.

Okay.

Thank you.

Is it okay if I talk about meat shows, Athena?

Awesome.

I have to go ahead from Athena to talk about meat.

Thank you for waiting.

Hey, did you find the lady about the meat show?

I'm sorry.

We don't know.

We don't have information about that.

I can show you my own meat show.

Do you have steaks there, right?

No, actually, we don't have enough space to do that.

But our steaks, I just pull down my pants and I make the meat disappear in the backside of me.

I'll show you how to do it. It's fine. I'm quite trained while at meat shows.

I think you better try another shop, not this one.

You sound kind of Jamaican now. Are you okay?

Yeah.

Did you take a break to maybe partake in some smoking for a second there?

I think you did, right? You can tell me. It's okay.

I'm sorry.

I heard that the marijuana laws in Japan are crazy.

What?

You know?

Is that true?

Like, if you have, like, a dying bag of it, they make a meat show on you in the jail?

Maybe.

Yeah, maybe they have, but we don't know anything about that.

Have you ever met a black person before?

No.

Would you, if you saw a black person and you had a purse, would you hold the purse closer to you?

Just in case?

You would, right?

Be honest.

Oh, yeah.

You would, see?

You see a penis?

She would.

Why is that?

Because he's black?

You think he may want to hurt you, right, and take your purse?

Yeah.

I know.

I understand.

It's okay, honey.

Don't worry.

I won't let anything happen to you, okay?

Okay.

Thank you very much.

All right.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

So there you go.

Honest answer from Japan.

Is the mic working?

Hello.

Woo-hoo-hoo.

Okay, good.

There's the honest answer from Japan.

She would do the same thing.

She would hold it closer to her.

I don't blame her.

I pick up the phone.

Nobody's there.

All right.

Is the phone line not clearing?

There we go.

Got it fixed.

Okay.

shows here should i keep playing the acdc are we tired of that yet oh you know hey man what's up

milkman what's up what are you doing man how's the surgery going oh man it's getting better i'll

tell you what it's been terrible though man they had uh had a hell of a time getting me you know

disconnected and had that jaw oh good but your ankle's okay right it's they say it's gonna be

better it's gonna be better uh a little milk good deal i have a milkman that can't milk the cows

Hey, dude, we're about to call.

You remember, you know that retirement home with the webcam that we call all the time?

Oh, yeah, Noonoo's LAN cam, buddy.

Yeah, Noonoo, actually, Noonoo works there.

Okay, all right, so anybody out there...

Yeah, he's got a track on that.

Yeah, he does, so we're ready to call them again.

They put the cam back up.

Oh, cool.

Everybody out there in the chat room, Noonoo's going to post a link

so you can actually watch the webcam as we prank them.

I'm going to pull it up here myself on my end.

Excuse me, so I can watch as well.

Well, this is the Lincoln Villa.

It's a great one, man.

You know, if you really take an old man around there,

he'll be lying to the residents, but really, that's Noonan.

Yeah.

He's got our...

Noonan says there's long pieces of paper hanging down from the ceiling near the TV,

and we should complain that it's a code violation, apparently,

and have the old people take them down.

All right, that works.

What's the call that we did to that?

Do you remember that?

We did a call to the old guy, and he said something really weird and funky.

What was that again?

Oh, God, I don't know, but he was funny.

He was on the phone for a long time.

He thought he knew you.

He thought it was his son-in-law is what he said.

I think it was his son-in-law.

Yeah, you called into the cell, maybe.

So we're calling them now.

I see people are starting to move the webcam already.

Everyone, it's at OICcam, OICcam.com.

Yeah, if you can, guys, try and get that thing pointed at once while we do the call.

Exactly.

Folks, in the spirit of milkmaidness for you, let's play that prank while we're at it.

Hey, Santa.

Pardon me?

It's Santa.

Hi, Santa.

Is that you, Mark?

Mark?

Yeah, how you doing?

This is a phone call I don't need.

I'm sorry for what happened.

What do you mean, what happened?

I'm sorry about what happened.

To me?

Yes.

Okay, that's nice of you.

Thank you.

We're going to come bust you out.

Okay.

When can you have your stuff all packed up?

Huh?

When can you pack your stuff up?

I can't hear you.

When are you going to pack your stuff?

Okay, the stoppers are off.

The stoppers are off?

Well, that's good.

Very good.

How are your teeth doing?

How are your teeth doing, sir?

They're doing fine.

That's good.

Well, Santa's going to come.

He's going to come bust you out.

Okay, thank you.

No, but you want to come out, don't you?

I'm sorry we put you there.

Bye-bye.

That was fun.

I'm going to try to keep it down.

Hi, how are you doing, lady?

Good.

Who is this?

This is Jack Valente.

I'm calling with a concern.

Apparently, my mother-in-law is over there, and she's slouching.

Seriously?

We're watching her.

Could you please tell her not to slouch anymore because of her osteoporosis?

And the doctor says she's not supposed to be slouching in the chair anymore.

Are you talking about with, um...

She's in the common area, and we put her in, and they told us that we were allowed to...

you know watch her make sure she was okay and i you know we're seeing her the grandkids are here

we're watching her but she's slouching again so i need you can you please tell the old lady the

you know my grand my mother-in-law to please don't slouch i'm sorry amanda who's your mother-in-law

she's the lady over there in the wheelchair in between the two tables and she's slouching and i

really need you to ask her um emma uh-huh yeah any yeah can you yeah can you please tell her

Or can you put her on the phone, please?

Oh, put her on the phone?

If you can, or just tell her not to slouch anymore if you could, please.

Okay, I'll do that.

Okay, we'll be right here waiting.

Yeah, I always say that to her every time I get her on the dining room.

Uh-huh.

Alright, well...

So, okay then.

No, please, I need to talk to her.

Okay, hold on.

Okay.

Alright, guys, don't move the camera anymore, please, so we can watch them get her.

Don't, please, play nice.

Don't be assholes.

Don't move the camera anymore.

more. Don't ruin the call because

I will end the whole show right now. I will

do it. But I love you guys, seriously.

He's over there. I don't know which one. This is Annie.

This is... Hello?

Hi. Hello. Here she is.

Okay. Somebody wants to talk to you.

Here she is. Hello? Hi.

How you doing? Hi. Who's that?

It's me. Hey. It's been a

while since we talked to you, but why...

You shouldn't be slouching so much. Remember?

You're not supposed to slouch in the wheelchair.

Why? Your voice

is too small.

Can you stop slouching in the wheelchair, please?

Because it's bad for your back.

Would you mind not doing it?

You look very lazy in the wheelchair.

You look lazy.

Don't slouching.

Don't slouch.

No slouch.

Do you know what you're doing?

Don't look down.

Look up.

Always look up.

Keep looking up and never look down.

Never look back.

These are the greatest days of your life.

I broke the megaphone.

Did you hear I broke the megaphone?

I got mad on Thursday and I broke the megaphone on the table.

Did you hear about that?

No, but I didn't use that connection problem.

You didn't know?

I got angry and I broke something.

What do you recommend I do when I get angry so I don't break things?

Give him a kick on his head.

Do you believe that I should maybe channel my anger into stuff like punching drywall or something?

Would you recommend that?

What did you used to do when you get angry?

Give him a kick on his head.

I'm going to take off his head.

All right.

Can you give the phone to the other lady in the wheelchair next to you, the lady on your right?

Do you know what the right, do you know what right means?

No, he's not here anymore.

Could you ask for my friend?

He's there right now.

Huh?

Could you ask for my friend?

I need you to give the phone to my friend, please.

No, I can't.

He's not here.

No, no, no.

He's sitting in the wheelchair in the middle.

He's talking to my wife.

You see him there, the big guy, the bald guy?

Yeah?

Could you please give him the phone?

I need to talk to him.

No.

Could you please ask...

He's not here anymore.

No, he's right there.

He's right there.

My wife is talking to him.

No.

There's a man...

He's not here.

He's in front of the TV.

You could laugh, but no.

He's not here.

Nobody's here.

I see him.

I'm looking.

I have a satellite inside the room that you're in right now.

It's a satellite machine.

It's from the future.

Do you know what the future is?

Yeah.

Yeah, so there's this guy in front of you in a wheelchair.

He's a fat man with a bald head.

He kind of looks like Rush Limbaugh in maybe 20 years.

No, no.

Oh, get the phone.

20 years?

Yeah, he's in front of you.

Look at him.

He's in front of you.

Maybe if you looked up a little bit, you'd see him, ma'am.

No, I don't see anybody.

I see only the TV here.

Tell him, hey, mister, take the phone.

Say, lady, you've got to be a little more entertaining than this, please.

Move your chair forwards.

Is that one of the little...

Nothing.

Do you know how to move your chair?

I can move my chair, but I see nothing.

I see only TVs.

You see only TVs?

Yeah.

Can you throw the phone at the TV?

Yeah.

That's where it goes. Throw it.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You take the phone and you move it really fast away.

Give the phone to him.

Give the phone to that person right now.

Give it to him.

That man in front of you, give him the phone.

Tell him the phone for him.

I don't know.

Say phone.

Really loud.

Say phone for you.

Say it loud.

Does he speak Spanish?

Do you speak Spanish?

No.

Where are you from?

Italy or something?

No.

Oh, God.

Well, lady, good luck to you.

Say hi to Nunu.

Say hi to Nunu for us.

Do you know how to hang up the phone now?

No, she's gone.

She's not gone.

I was trying to get the phone to that guy in front.

Because, you know, he's going to be like, I don't know who that is.

But I'm sure, like, if some old lady gave him the phone, he'd be like, oh, okay.

Phone for me.

That's right.

That's nice.

Thank you.

Okay, so that's not going to work.

That was Nunu, guys.

Yeah.

Yeah, what else have you been up to, Milkman?

How's your day been?

Oh, from the, you know, Rascal Skater, man.

I'm feeling a little bit hungry now.

It took most of the day to get, you know, unentangled,

but I think it was the madhouse week.

Well, hey, man, that's awesome.

Good for you.

Hey, if you all could get on today,

if we called in or anybody that we know, anything,

what have I missed, man?

I'm sorry I didn't get in here because, you know,

they had the dolls of life on for a little while.

No, it's fine.

I got a new mixer, and I connected it,

and I came on, did a few pranks that were pretty funny to England,

and then we took a long break,

and then I came back

and you kind of joined us

in the middle of our second round,

so no problem.

Oh, cool.

Excellent.

Cool.

I was a megaphone.

That old lady,

you should have known better

than to throw the megaphone.

Oh, crap.

That's what I wanted to buy today.

I wanted to buy a replacement megaphone

and I was at the store

and I forgot to.

Damn.

Hey, Mr. Megaphone.

See you later.

We'll be right back.

Okay, Milkman, let's focus.

When are you going to be home,

by the way?

When are you going to get on the air,

like real air?

I'm going to be on it

because I'm going to another,

I've got to go to another meeting

where I have a dinner.

Okay, well, I don't know.

Honestly, I don't know.

Until I quit or 10 o'clock,

whatever comes easiest.

Probably before 10 o'clock

because I've got some stuff

to do here at the home.

Okay.

Hang on, we're going to call

the Albalal restaurant again.

We called them earlier tonight.

You remember the American cockroaches

and all that stuff?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we're going to give them a call

and we're going to go anywhere, right?

This will be the fourth time

we call them tonight.

This is Albalal.

Yes, sir.

Hey, good deal, sir.

I just wanted to ask you a question.

I called a few times

and I wanted to see

if it's not too late.

I didn't want to make my final decision.

Okay.

My final decision is that people like you shouldn't be allowed to have businesses in this country

because you're very mean to good people like me.

Yeah, we'll be mean to you.

Okay, boss.

Goodbye.

American, right?

Yeah, that's it.

He just doesn't.

You missed him, milkman.

You missed it.

You messed up big time.

Man, I'm hungry.

Hey, Athena, you know what I got in the fridge for me?

Sub sandwich.

I can't wait to eat it.

Athena's like, great.

Athena, you heard?

Yeah, Athena got tendinitis, everybody.

buddy. It's pretty, pretty cool. She's probably so pissed off I'm talking about it. She got

a day off of work and painkillers. What's the big deal? What the heck? Well, man, I

tell you what, she was liking you pretty good. You're a good girl. Yeah, she's got a paycheck

problem. Slick Rick, was it really? I think it was Slick Rick. Good gold star for a boy.

I think it was. I don't know. If it wasn't, you'd get the gold star anyway, man. Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Gold star for you.

And that means you get five Madhouse dollars.

Be sure to use them over at the website, MadhouseLive.com.

Go to the store and redeem your coupon code for your free Madhouse gold star.

All right, good deal.

Coming up next, we've got In Japan.

Tokyo, Japan coming up here.

Here's another Asian prank.

Colin, our ambassador to Japan, is Milkman.

He is actually, despite the fact that he sounds like a redneck, he is half Japanese.

And this is the...

In all truth, though, you do actually have family in Japan and everything, right?

You got some extended family members in Japan?

Actually, they're...

Awesome, don't we all?

We're all family.

Okay, so we're going to do this now.

The Shinjuku Sun Park Hotel.

This is in Tokyo, Japan.

I don't have any Japanese music, so we'll play the rest of Lottie Dottie.

We do have Milkman on the line now, so it won't be free until he's done.

But your live calls will be accepted here in just a moment.

I don't know how late I'm going to go, but we're just having fun.

Just relax and listen.

Okay, tell your friends to tune in.

This is Madhouse Radio on syndicate.radio.tv and all that stuff.

I'm not about to use Skype already.

It takes up, God, a lot of bandwidth.

And it's expensive.

There's about no bandwidth and everything.

Exactly.

And it messes up my settings and, oh, God, forget it.

Forget about it.

Yeah.

Any second now, Tokyo will start ringing.

I've got a good feeling about it.

Now, Milkman, you said we do have a conference service

so we could do a conference show one night, right?

Yeah, I still have that available.

That would be cool.

I mean, we have to kind of limit how many people.

Almost at the same time, yeah.

Call. Please try again later.

No one answered.

It is still early in Japan.

I believe it's only 9 a.m. over there.

It's 8.30 right now, so...

Sometimes you know they don't pick up in Japan.

What can you do?

Oh, Milkman, I wanted to let you know,

and everyone else who's listening out there,

I had the pleasure of seeing probably one of the best documentaries

that I have seen in about five or six years, man.

Wow.

Do you know who Bill Maher is?

Do you follow Bill Maher?

Do you know who that is, the comedian?

The guy he used to host, Politically Incorrect,

and he's got the show on HBO also.

You know who I'm talking about, Bill Maher?

Real asshole guy.

I've heard of him, but I'm not really familiar with him.

Yeah, well, he's a very opinionated gentleman,

and he actually produced a...

He actually did a documentary.

It's on limited release.

I would recommend everybody who's listening right now

write this down.

There's a documentary he made called Religious.

R-E-L-I-G-U-L-O-U-S.

That's Religious, okay?

And it's about basically

I guess he's an atheist

It's pretty obvious he is

Or he's a non-believer

Of religion

And he went ahead

And he did a whole documentary

And he talked to

He went all the way

To like the Holy Land

And was like talking

To Muslims and stuff

And what else

He talked to this guy

Who's here in Orlando

Actually

What?

I'll take care of it

In a second

Don't worry

I'm going to play something

I've got to feed the cats

In a second

It's hard to do these shows

On Saturday

Make sure if it goes

To the night

It's on the other hand

I need that hand

that's the hand that I like, but seriously though

folks, he talked to this

gay guy who

healed himself through prayer, he healed

himself of being gay and he's straight now

and has three kids, funny interview

he interviewed, there's this guy

who's from Miami, some

Puerto Rican guy who says he's the second

coming of Christ and he

tattooed 666 on his forehead

and his hand, he said that it's not

really the sign of the devil or the mark of the

beast, it's really the sign of the return of Jesus

Jesus. I don't know. The guy really, he really

thinks he's the second coming of Christ.

No kidding. But really, I really recommend

this. Religious.

Very good documentary. Very good stuff.

Be sure to check it out.

Pedro. The Pedrophile is in the house.

I haven't seen him in a while. Pedrophile

in the house. Good to see you, Pedro. Okay, we're doing

another prank call here. We're going to call the

Square Dance Center. They're in Boise, Idaho.

They do square dancing there. That's always

fun. I do square dancing.

I'm there. Right, Milkman? You're there. You're down for a good

hoedown, aren't you?

We're calling Boise, Idaho

The home of the square dance

Just a moment, folks

I'm tired of that song

I forget to get vinegar on my sub

I don't think it's a bad thing, though

I'm not a big fan of vinegar on my subs

More of an oil kind of guy

Only oil

And I don't like the oil in the vinegar

You know where they do sub oil now

Where it's really mixed

That's where it's at

A little bit of mustard

A little bit of mayo

A little bit of onion

I'm out of any business.

You're telling Athena, stay off the leg.

She doesn't stay off the foot.

I don't care, man.

She's all broken up.

Oh, yeah, I'll tell you what.

Okay, we got more numbers here.

Chinese restaurant in Manchester with cockroaches.

What did you do to her?

Oh, my God, that sounds good.

Now, I'm just getting ready to pull up to the Japanese.

There you go.

Tai Wu, find a total of 3,000 pounds in order to pay 4,100 pounds in costs.

Give us a picture of it.

Excuse me, in Manchester, England.

No way.

Yeah, seriously, Manchester, England.

Yeah, we had that little article about it.

Yeah, Manchester is regarded as one of the capitals for self-mutilation or something like that.

Oh, God.

All right, so let's do that then.

I'm going to play Van Halen.

All right, hang on, folks.

Hi, there.

How are you doing, sweetie?

Hi, sweetheart.

How are you?

What can I do for you, please?

I want to make an order for, you know when you come in and you give money,

and then you take the food in the bag, and you take it outside with you,

and you eat it at your, where you stay?

Arjo King.

Uh, the Arjo King?

Is that a good, hello?

Who are you?

I want to make an order where I,

I want to come in and pay for the food

and then I, I, I take it back to my,

back to my hotel room.

Okay, sure.

And what would you like, please?

I would like, uh,

do you have any, like, beef,

like, beef meats?

What kind of beef?

Uh, uh, like, meat.

Beef meat.

Actually, and what kind of sauce are you looking for?

What kind of sauces do you do?

Do you like an orange sauce?

Oh, God.

God, that sounds like all sorts of panic over there.

Hello, come on.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Ni hao ma.

Hello.

Ni hao ma, hello.

Hello.

Yes, hi, is this the restaurant, Tai Wu?

Yes.

Okay, yes, I wanted to come and I want to make, I want to tell you what I want now,

and then I'm going to come and give you money, and you put it in a bag for me,

and I leave and I eat it, you know, wherever I go, the final destination.

Well, what do they call it, take away?

Is that, I want to take it, yeah, and I want to take it to the,

Will they accept it in the final destination?

No, we don't deliver, sorry.

Well, I will take it.

Shut up.

I want to take it to the final destination, you understand?

No, you have to come and pick it up yourself.

Well, I'm going to pick it up and I will take it.

Yeah, that's okay then.

I'm going to take it to the final destination.

Well, wherever you go, it doesn't matter, it doesn't bother me.

Okay, so you're ready to take it?

Yeah.

Okay, do you have beef, beef meats?

Yeah, we have beef.

Okay, what kind of sauce do you put on the beef?

What do you recommend?

and do you have a brown sauce?

Brown sauce?

Yes.

What is the sauce?

What is it, a brown sauce?

Yeah.

You know they say...

Kind of brownish.

They say oysters are the cockroaches of the sea.

Yeah.

Now, the last time I came,

I had the side order of cockroaches with the food,

and I actually liked it quite a bit.

There's a brown sauce.

You remember?

It was cockroaches on the side.

Cockroaches on the side.

Cockroaches.

Is that a vegetable?

No, it's...

Or is that meat?

It's an insect.

Vultures.

Yeah.

Can you ask about the cockroaches?

Because I would like to have that again.

It's a great source of protein.

Show you how to eat it here.

Yeah, they said it's a cockroach like that.

And they sprinkled it on nice and fine.

And then I picked it out and I rolled a blunt and I sprinkled it inside the blunt and I smoked it.

Who's that?

Who's that over there?

Who are you talking to?

I think you have the wrong number.

Are you making fun of me in the background?

They think they have the wrong number.

I have the wrong number.

Were you there for that?

No, that wasn't good.

That wasn't good.

That was a lackluster prank call.

But we continue regardless.

Okay, so what else do we have here?

We've got more numbers coming in.

We've got the World's End Pub.

This is in the UK.

It is now 12.44 a.m. on Sunday in the Kingdom of United.

This one here is in Edinburgh, Edinburgh, Edinburgh, whatever it is.

And they just confirmed it right now, the World's End Pub.

So let's give them a call.

Edinburgh.

I don't want to play that.

We'll play some Donny Hathaway here.

Just a moment, folks.

Is this the End of the World Pub?

Yeah.

That's good.

You know, I'm kind of concerned myself,

and it's kind of a good feeling that you guys are on the same page as I am.

Do you have alcoholic beverages here, sir?

We do.

Okay, so I have a feeling that tonight it is going to be the second coming,

the End of the World.

Thank you, sir.

So don't you dare hang up on me, sir.

You understand?

I'm going to hurry up there, Nick, because I'm busy.

What are you doing?

Are you making drinks?

I'm serving just now, yeah.

Who are you serving there?

Is it a lady?

It's a guy.

It's a guy?

Does he seem heterosexual or homosexual?

It looks like your boyfriend, actually.

Okay, that's good.

Do you have heard from him?

Yeah.

Is he okay?

That was gay.

Quite literally.

I'm getting ready to end the show.

Coming up next...

Hey, when's the moose bar, the tavern, the inn with the famous angry women?

It's probably like midnight there.

It is.

is 1247, so they're just getting into it.

Nunu says...

You should probably call them and get them busy.

Nunu says call the Manchester pub.

I don't remember the name.

They're called the Bull's Head Pub, I think, in Manchester.

I think that's what it is.

Yeah, we give them a call, I guess.

What's-his-face sent in a number here.

Our good friend Evil already sent in a number for Anthony.

You never know, dude.

A lot of some losers working on getting the Manchester pub number

from way back when.

We'll do that as well, of course.

In the meantime, I would like to call back that Orlando Cabs.

Do you remember that one that we did earlier?

Oh, you weren't around for that, Milkman.

You was sick.

No, no, no.

This is something else.

You missed that.

Okay, you sent me that number earlier in the week and told me it's good when they're out.

Yeah, let me see if Nunu can send me that number here real quick.

Orlando Cabs.

I know he has it.

We're going to give them a call back.

Also here on deck, let's go ahead and call the Monk's Pub.

The Monk's, Monk, whatever you call it.

This is in Ireland, everybody.

Don't go anywhere.

We're going to listen to that right now.

because that other one got a little boring i don't want to hear the beatles we'll listen

then to a little immigrant song by led zeppelin here we go overlord with the head immigrant in

charge please you're just gonna have to speak up i can't really hear you can i speak to the head

immigrant in charge please the what the head immigrant in charge oh the head yes hello yeah

i guess so oh no we get the head person in charge and yeah crap i tell them to make everybody be

quiet because an important thing just happened my god it's taking forever yeah it's a full bar

I want to see if I can make him do an announcement.

They're just getting started there.

What is it, midnight?

It's almost 1 o'clock over there.

They're just getting started.

Closing time.

Anyway, we're calling Ireland, everybody.

This is the Monk's Pub in Tipperary, Ireland.

Trying to get an answer here.

We'll keep that on the back.

Maybe, Milkman.

Maybe that'll be funny.

After we do this call here, we also have the Frankenstein Pub.

That's in Ireland as well.

It's in Aberdeen.

No.

Is Aberdeen in Ireland?

Ireland? Aberdeen's in Ireland, right? I believe so.

Yeah, sounds right. Yeah.

Yeah. And we've got the Bulls that just came in in Manchester.

Hello.

Yes, hello.

Hi, what was going on?

I can't find him. He's not around. Can I take him out?

No, I need you to make, I need you to please tell everyone to be quiet.

There's an important announcement that we need to make,

and we need you to spread the word as soon as possible.

I'm with the fire brigade.

Um, I can't hear you.

Oh, Jesus.

I need you to make an announcement.

This is Jack Valente with the...

I need you to request everyone listen to this important announcement.

Okay, what's the announcement?

I need you to make them be quiet first, and I will let you know the message.

I can only give it once.

Um...

Please, if you can, do you have a bell there, or maybe a loud horn you can sound to bring attention?

I'm waiting here.

I need silence immediately!

Hello?

Yes, I need silence immediately. I have to relay an important message.

Hello?

Yes, can you please tell the people to be quiet for 10 seconds?

I can't hear you, hello?

I need you to tell the people to be quiet for 10 seconds.

Sorry, I can't hear you.

Tell the people to be quiet.

That's retarded.

Maybe we can call a place that's not as busy.

We'll call the then.

This is the people we called in the past.

Maybe the lady will pick up.

I just want to see how it is when they're busy and shit.

Yeah, because I know they don't answer the phone on Thursday nights anymore from us.

Because they did figure out that we're pranking them every Thursday night.

So let's try to call a...

I need you to make an immediate request for everyone to be there as quiet as possible

because I have something very important that you need to understand

and to tell to all the people who are there.

Why is it getting...

Yes, hi, I need you to ask to be quiet as possible.

I have an announcement to make and it's important that you make everyone be quiet, sir.

I'm on my way in my helicopter.

I'm going to come down.

Yes, I'm on the way over there now

and I need everyone to make sure

that I have a good seat and a good chair

and that they clean all the tables there for me

and I want all the chairs put upside down

on top of the tables.

I'm the owner of the business.

I bought it about a year and a half ago.

And I'm...

This is Jack Valente, Joe America's friend.

Did you hear about him? He passed away.

No.

Yeah, well, Joe America passed away.

I own this building.

I don't.

I'm Donald.

Mr. Wanker.

What does bollocks mean?

That was funny.

That I enjoyed.

I love it when they get angry.

Let's go ahead and...

That was her, too.

The first answer to the phone, too.

That was the two of them.

You remember how mad they got at me last time?

Hang on a minute.

Yeah.

Manchester, wasn't that where we lost?

Oh, yeah, and she knew exactly who you were, dude.

Did we lose Syndicate?

Oh, they missed a good prank.

We did lose Syndicate.

Yeah,

Yeah, we did lose Syndicate.

Let me get Syndicate back on.

Dude, my stomach is grumbling and growling for that sandwich, man.

Oh, yeah, I do understand.

Yeah, with Syndicate, apparently with NowLive, there's an APM crash every night.

It's the stupidest thing.

NowLive, like, they do some kind of updated APM.

What the shit?

They use something else.

Well, that's an ally problem.

It's not Syndicate's fault.

But every night I do watch an APM.

I know, but I'm just saying.

Yeah, they did figure that out.

So let's play, let's see if we can get back in here.

It looks like I'm back in, I think.

Let me click on start cam and click allow.

Okay, I'm back in.

There we go.

I'm going to the area.

Let me know if we're back on.

Please hit one if you do that.

I'm opening up the orifice.

I'm parting the hairs.

All right, so we got confirmation.

Syndicate didn't miss that call.

That's good, Syndicate.

Good for you, you fuckers.

Let's go ahead and play the original version of that.

I've been searching the Q-Tip.

What's that funny noise?

Who are you?

The super from the building.

How are you?

Super from what building?

Your building.

Yeah?

Yeah, I just bought the...

I want to...

...myself, see how you're doing,

let you know how I'm going to be running things.

But why would you be phoning us at this time?

It's not morning, it's evening over here in America still.

No, well, I'm sorry, but it's morning.

Well, it's an international transaction. Don't speak over me. I'll fire you. You understand?

Hey, you know what? That's it. Get out.

You're fired. You're fired. And don't try to take any of the beer, because I know I'm on to you.

I'm on to you. You're full of shit. You're fired.

Watch what your life's supposed to be. You tell them I'm going to take away 10% for your attitude.

Why don't you go piss off? Because I don't know who you are.

What's that supposed to mean? You're an asshole.

I'm your owner now. I own you. I buy you.

I don't care who the hell you are.

I have your contract.

You're the owner.

For this call.

Get down here now.

Get down here.

Yep.

That's right. I'm a man, and a man will pick up the phone and call back when he has been slapped in the face, sir.

And all I have to say to you is I'm going to turn the other cheek, and you do whatever you want to my cheek.

Well, come on down then. Come and see me.

Make sure you bring your deeds and your documents with you to prove that you are a part owner of this business.

and I'd be delighted to see them.

I have a lot of papers that are signed here

by Constable Lewis

who is the administrator for your block

and because...

My block?

Your block, the block that you're in, yes

and the sector in Falsworth.

Tell me what the address is then.

It has a...

Tell me the premises.

Oldham, Oldham Row 3

Oldham, yeah

The Prime Minister here of the block said

look, they're in violation.

The Prime Minister of the block

Are you talking...

What is his bollocks?

I don't know what bollocks are, sir.

I don't understand.

So what have you got dangling between your legs

and what you're talking out of right now?

My hemorrhoids?

There's no such thing as a prime minister of a block.

Yes, there is.

No, there is not.

He's a public notary.

Have you ever seen it?

Because you don't pay your bills, sir.

That's why you don't know, but you lost a deed.

Really?

I bought it in an auction.

Oh, really?

Yes.

So I need you to...

And then I lose it.

I need you to kindly take all the chairs

and put them on the bar, like upside down.

On the tables.

I don't want you taking any of the fixtures out because they're all part of the contract, sir.

No, they're not.

Yeah, they are.

All the fixtures and all the alcohol that's left is ours, sir.

Myself, Mr. Valente, and Valente and Associates.

And who are them?

We're the investors from the United States of America who have bought your business into auction.

Yes, sir.

That's right.

Do you know that we are the commanding presence here?

The three of us together, we own the building now.

and technically you're in violation

and I could have you like a citizen's arrest, sir.

I suggest you send the police down then.

No, we don't deal with the police.

We deal in the back room with...

I suggest you bring the police down.

We don't believe in the police.

If you want to evict me from my premises,

you better bring the police down.

Sir, listen.

Have you ever heard of the World Bank of the United Nations?

No.

Well, that's who we operate.

We're not under the jurisdiction of Great Britain.

Yes, you are.

No, we're not.

This is America.

Yes, you are.

You've come into this country

unless this is suddenly become an American embassy

and therefore it's American soil not British soil

then you are under the jurisdiction

of British law

is there a way you want to try and wrap that up

that's what I'm getting at sir by law

since I'm the deed owner now

you just told me that you're not subject to British law

well I'm talking sir

you're not letting me finish

in the United Nations says here I have a charter

by the Prime Minister of the Bloc

and the public notary

there is no Prime Minister of the Bloc

yes there is

There is no such person.

Come on, give me his name then.

He granted us the jurisdiction of your bottom floor only as sovereign American land.

Therefore, anything that's on the higher levels is ours as well, because we own the pylons.

You own the what?

We own the pylons to the building, sir.

The pylons? What pylons to the building?

There are big things of concrete and metal that hold everything up.

And since, if you want, we'll cut down the pylons and take them back to America and the whole place will collapse.

Is that what you want?

There aren't any pylons in the building.

I'll tell you what, sir.

I will let you apply for your job, and you can keep it if you're the most qualified person.

You're obviously talking about a premises that isn't this one.

It is, sir.

This is the hotel and pub on Road.

And we're controlling it now because we won it in the auction.

You guys foreclosed.

You didn't pay your bills.

And there were three complaints.

And now not only do we own the pylons

We also own the bottom floor

And you know

Imminent domain says that it's now sovereign

American land

And I'm just requesting before things get nasty

Before things get ugly

Between me and you

Because I will go down there and I will give you a good licking sir

I would be delighted for you to come on down

And I say bring the police with you

Because before I let you through the doors

I will ring the police

Well it's not the police it's the United Nations

They're going to have blue uniform on

The United Nations have got no jurisdiction

in Great Britain.

Sir, the United Nations,

Great Britain is a

signatory nation in the

G8 and the United Nations.

Yes, I'm quite aware of that.

So, unfortunately, I'm requesting you

in the name of the United Nations

before I have to pull a sanction on you

that you go ahead and tell everyone politely

to leave and

make sure that all the chairs are on the tables

and do your best

you can not to steal stuff.

What time are you coming down then?

I should be there in about 32 minutes.

32 minutes?

Yes, sir. Do you have a clock there?

I do.

Is it a metric clock or an inches clock?

I have both, actually.

You do?

How big are your bollocks, sir?

Bigger than yours, lad.

No, sir, because mine, whatever your bollocks are, mine are the same but times two.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Plus infinity, sir.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's right.

This is how you get your rocks off in the middle of the night. You carry on.

Are you an alcoholic, sir?

There's a lady in the house here.

Oh, Milkman, I almost hung up on you.

All right, that's the...

We haven't talked to them in over a year, but that was them.

I thought that lady in the house was in.

That would have been great.

Yeah.

Let's play the rest of that old call.

Listen very much.

I'm drinking on the job.

Is that correct?

Are you drunk?

See, that's why I'm firing you.

Really?

If you think so, sweetheart.

I really think so.

You're very saucy.

I have so many complaints about you, I'm firing you.

Really, did you?

Yes.

Who did you get these complaints off?

Mr. Johnson.

Mr. Walker.

Who the hell is he?

He comes in there all the time.

and said that the other day you threw a bottle of beer at him.

I did.

Oh, do you know what?

You're an absolute star.

You're not off the TV.

You're not on the stage because you're a right joker.

I have no idea what you're saying, sweetheart.

All I know is you need to...

No, well, I haven't got a clue what you're saying.

I don't know who you are.

Do you not speak English?

You're just an absolute...

You're an idiot.

You're homeless and you're jobless.

Really?

So be it.

Okay, then get out of my pub.

Minutes ago.

Oh, really?

Get out now.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Well, you come here and you get me out.

I can't be there now.

I told you I'm in another country.

Well, then you're full of shit then, aren't you?

How much have you had to drink today on the job?

I'm going to take it out of your last paycheck.

Tell me.

Are you really?

That's right.

You don't even know who I am.

Yes.

Do you know what my name is?

Yes, Julie.

Brendan, yes.

No, I know.

I have all this document.

No, you haven't got a clue.

What's the name of this pub?

I have your social security number.

It's the bull's head, but it's...

You haven't got...

Have you really?

I doubt it.

But I bought it.

Change the name.

Do you know how we're doing this?

We phoned here before.

How do you know?

We phoned here at 5 in the morning about three weeks.

How do you know?

How do I know?

Because I bloody well live here and you disturbed us and you woke us up.

Oh, so you all just happen to be sleeping on the job now, huh?

Sleeping on the job.

5 o'clock in the morning.

Sleeping on the job.

You fucking tosser.

You tosser.

Do you know how we're doing this to people?

Do you absolutely, do you love doing it?

Do you think that you are some great person or not?

The great Jack Valente from America.

Nobody.

What's a tosser? What's that?

No, it's called a one-to-off.

A one-to-off?

Well, being American, you're probably a bit thick, shouldn't I?

I weigh about 380 pounds. What's that in kilograms?

Are you real? You know, you think you're so feather, don't you?

Are you awake now?

It's 10 to 11 p.m.

Really? Well, it might be 10 to 11 where you are.

America, here where we kicked your ass in the American Revolution.

What's her problem?

Her ass and died.

Lota, shut up.

Tell that woman to shut damn mouth up.

Hello, is this Merle?

It is not that late, Merle.

I'm calling from the United States and there's been a problem.

What was?

Someone made an accident on the number two on the floor.

Fell down.

Mess.

Cock, don't you...

You stupid bitch, don't you dare...

You devil.

We'll be in such trouble.

I'm sorry.

Please don't do any trouble to me.

I've been reported.

Holding down the button.

She's angry.

Look at her.

She's going crazy.

Stop that.

She's leaping away.

She's showing you, man.

Morse code.

Cussing you out.

Morse code.

You're hurting me.

You know who that is?

I remember who that is.

That's the old pensioner that we made cry.

You remember her?

That was like two years ago.

Well, you deserved it then, sir.

Oh, my God.

You deserved it then.

I sure did.

Let's play.

Hey, Merle.

May I speak with Merle, or is this Merle?

Yes, it's the middle of the night.

I know, but it's in the morning, too.

We're right in the halfway point.

How are you, my babe?

Listen, if any of this...

This is the middle of the night.

I'm an old-age pensioner, and it's making me ill, this is.

But this is urgent, ma'am.

Please, just let me explain the situation.

What happened?

Well, it's like this.

A deedle-deedle-dop, deedle-doo, you know?

Who's died? Has someone died?

No, no, no, not at all, no, but this is Joe America.

Yes, but I don't want you ringing at this time of the night.

I'm an old-age pensioner.

What are you crying for, girl?

Because you don't ring people and wake them up.

Are you scared?

Yes, I'm absolutely petrified. I'm going to call the police.

Don't call the police. Come on, baby, it's okay.

I'm just trying to, you know, have a little fun.

I don't mean nothing mean, baby girl.

Don't ever ring again, him.

Hey, don't get so mad at me, baby, come on

Oh, man, poor lady

I feel bad now

She's crying, man

I don't know, I'm going to hell

After all this time, you there, Milkman?

Yeah, so that was good, following up with that lady

We pranked all over a year ago

She still remembers us

That's good, I guess we're hard to forget

What happened, was it police there, Athena?

Athena, you're walking around much better, good for you

Alright, folks, let's wrap it up

Are you ready to wrap it up, Milkman, here?

All right, my brother.

All right, Milkman, you take it easy over there, all right?

All right, man.

All right, man, I'll talk to you later.

Thanks a lot for doing this.

It's a big, big show.

You got it, man.

I've got your connections backed up.

Thank you, everybody, for joining in on this.

Okay, no problem, man.

Cool.

Be easy, all right, man?

I'll talk to you later tonight, man.

See you.

All right, we'll talk to you later.

All righty, that's Milkman there, everybody.

Now, if you want to call in here real quickly, you absolutely can.

You want to just do some comments, maybe do a quick,

Maybe a quick prank call

Maybe if you're lucky

Go ahead and give us a call

Why don't you

That's 1-888-278-8509

Once again the toll free line here

Or you can call us now

And join us on the show

Briefly

Mind you briefly

Because we are wrapping things up

That is 1-888-278-8509

Hello

Hey crazy fucker

What's going on brother man

Hey this is Carlito

This is he

The one and only Carlito

This is the one and only crazy fucker I presume

Wow you presumed right

Awesome

Awesome.

You know what I hate, crazy guy?

You know what I really hate, what really pisses me off, man?

Yeah, I'd like to hear what really you hate and what you off.

Awesome.

Even more than George W. Bush pisses you off, brother.

And I piss you off.

I know.

I love you, dude.

Look.

Because I think sometimes that you love George W.

Fuck that guy, dude.

I saw a trailer today for the new movie.

Are you going to go see the Oliver Stone movie, W?

See what movie?

Go look, go to your Google machine and type in Oliver Stone and W, the letter W.

He's got a new one that comes out any week now, any day now, any week.

It's about George W. Bush and how he's an asshole.

Okay, right, okay.

Alex Jones.

I've heard of him, I caught his show online once, but haven't been able to, you know.

All you gotta do, you gotta pencil handy, write this down, dude.

It's called, he's got like many websites up there.

It's called Prison Planet.

Yeah, I know Prison Planet, yeah.

It's called InfoWars.

Just Google up Alex Jones, InfoWarsPrisonPlanet.com, man,

and it looks like, really, man, you should just start listening to him, man.

Yeah, I will.

Actually, don't worry about it, man.

I definitely will.

I actually really should because I'll tell you, because what the guy says is true.

You know, 9-1-1 wasn't inside job, you know.

You know, the Twin Towers was not brought down by terrorists from the Middle East.

The Twin Towers were brought down by the Jews and the Bush White House

working with the Jewish-Israeli terrorists in the Middle East.

Mossad, man. Definitely Mossad.

Yeah, whatever you call Howard Stern, whatever you want to fucking call it.

call it david letterman call it cnn call it fox news hey for real man crazy for real man flavor

flay happy day i don't know if you ever heard of the great flavor flay but he did also say

that 9-1-1 is a joke you never heard about that well you know actually that 9-1-1 wasn't a joke

to the people in new york city when it happened you know into like uh the first responders and

the people of new york city it wasn't a fucking joke to them to me it was a joke because i was

in prison when 9-1-1 happened i was sitting in a prison in california and uh you know there was

lifers around me that were weeping and shit you know right guys that were in prison for the rest

of their life for killing people that were in his shit and shit it was like and i went back to my

myself man i i thought it was the funniest thing i ever saw because you know why why because because

you know what it was it was like a classic uh demolition drop of uh all you got to do is go

watch old uh fucking buildings they go straight and they drop in their own footprint and i you

know and i'll tell you what dude i i i'm well well familiar with that because i come from a city where

where they used to drop down fucking buildings for urban renewal,

and the Twin Towers, just like the fucking footprint of explosives.

And I'll tell you what, it's an inside job, for real, man.

Well, hey.

Believe me, man, there's only two armies you can, you can only, you can only,

there's only two armies, or one of two roads you can walk by,

And that you can either walk by their greed and hate, like the White House right now in Washington, D.C., and their shapeshifter.

They, you know, they got fucking, man, they're evil, and they go back to the dawn of time.

From the, if you can choose, I can ride with some joy, man.

Live in the moment.

Here and now, if you've heard anybody, live in the moment, have mercy on them, because they are, believe me, believe me, dude, everything in this fucking world is an illusion, only three things that are real, and that's love, peace, and joy.

Alright, well, thank you, crazy fucker, I'm going to clear the lens so more people can call in, we're wrapping it up, but man, thanks, I'm sorry.

Okay, can I say one more thing?

I want to say one thing first, I want to say I'm sorry that I missed the show Thursday, I know you were probably looking forward to it, man.

Oh, dude, you know what?

I started drinking beer in the morning to get primed up.

I had a message for you, and then you, like, had a nervous breakdown.

I can understand that because you're like a juggler.

You're shifting all kinds of shit in the air, man.

And, you know, I used to be a juggler, too.

But, you know, it's like all that's real, man, it's not even real.

You and me, we think we are real.

You'll look in the mirror and you'll see a reflection of yourself.

You'll look in the mirror and I'll see a reflection of myself.

It's like everybody on this fucking planet, man.

It's like we think we're real.

We're just here for a moment.

So we can either be of hate.

And now that's for each one of us to choose.

Now, it's okay to hate people in your mind as long as you don't carry it out to fruition.

Crazy fucker, I want to talk to you about something that happened to me today.

day you want to know something i did that was bad that was bad that was bad that was bad this is a

problem you know i was uh i was in my car all right i was going to the mall i had to pick up i

wanted to go to the mall make a trip to the mall and uh i was running out of gas and i got behind

this toyota this guy was in a toyota right and and i get to the the gas station and there's only

two pumps that are open right and you know i don't know if you're familiar well of course you do or

drive a car when you pull into a gas station you know when you pull into the pump it's common

courtesy to go to the one that's furthest up you know what i mean you know so this guy instead of

doing that he went stopped at the first one and he stayed there and i waited for him to move and

he didn't so i had to go around i had to back in and all this stuff and i told him hey he then i

was like hey man you know he was looking at me like he was gonna he's upset or something i was

like i didn't even say anything to him and he goes he goes hey man why did you call me a dick

for and i said uh first of all my windows were closed i told him and i'm listening to howard

stern and i'm not even talking i was like yo you called me a dick or something in front of my son

and i told him you know what sir i didn't call you a dick penis or cock you told him just like

that he's like he just walked away from me like shaking his head i'm like dude your kid's in the

car what i didn't say anything to the guy like i all i did was like i was like that's real

real fucked up i've got my windows closed and i just the first thing i do when i open my door

and i grab my keys to open up the gas tank the first thing he says you gotta call me a dick

i'm like uh i'm sorry what like i said it like kind of angry there's like what like that you

know and there's people like just like you and i was thinking about you because you say you know

you gotta have love peace and joy and we know all people right this guy he was ready to throw down

but he got kind of he started walking towards me and i told him dude i didn't say shit to you man

And, you know, I was like, I didn't say dick, penis, or cock to you.

He was like, oh, oh.

Like, he kind of stood there for a while, you know, and I asked him, is there anything?

Wow.

And I told him, is there anything else I can help you out with?

And he, like, he walked away.

I'm like, dude, what is wrong with some of these people?

It's not like he didn't punk me out.

I kind of punked him out.

Well, right.

Okay, can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

What was he driving?

He was driving, like, maybe, like a mid-2000 Toyota, not a Toyota Civic, Toyota Camry.

So he was driving like a vehicle

That was comparable to yours right

Yeah a little

Yeah comparable

Older

I mean mine's better

Because it's new

It's a 2009

And you know

I just pulled in

And you know

He started coming up to me

I guess he thought

I was going to back down

And get nervous

And I looked him straight

And said

I didn't say dick penis or cock

What are you talking about

I told him just like that

He goes

Is there anything else

I can help you out with

He went back to his car

You know

Like that

Wow

You know

Okay let me give you

My opinion about that

Because I go through that all the time, man.

I go through that all the time.

It's like, check this out, man.

It's like, what that guy was doing was he had, you were going down the road with a positive spirit, right?

Okay, now, you encountered this individual and he had negativity that he was projecting upon you, right?

Right.

So, in other words, he was trying to dump his emotional garbage on you.

He was trying to move the negative karma and transfer it over to me.

Right.

He was trying to bring you down.

Right.

He was trying to bring you down because you obviously don't know.

You like listening to Howard Stern and it makes you feel positive, right?

Well, I was just hanging.

It was, you know, I had a Carlos day, a Carlito day for myself.

Athena stayed at home and I went out.

Right.

You were living in the moment, right?

You were just cruising down the road, and you pulled into this place,

and filling up the gas tank, you encountered an individual that was projecting negativity onto you,

and what he was trying to do, my friend, was he was trying to throw his emotional garbage on you,

and if you did it, he would drive away positive.

It's like that's all it is, man.

Yeah, he's dumping it on, but you know what I did do?

I did take a page out of Edward, I don't know if you ever heard of the Edward Enforcer show.

Edward Enforcer, I'll write that down, and if you recommend it, Carlito, I'll listen to it,

because I consider you a great, wise man on this planet.

Well, here's what I did.

You know, honestly, when he started coming up to me, right, and he started, he's like,

well, you're going to call me a dick, and I didn't even hear what he said.

I thought he called me a dick

I thought he said

You know

I heard it was like

I had my iPod

You know

Like

I had my earphones

I was listening to Howard in the car

But I had like

One of my earphones on

So he was like

You're a dick

I'm like

I said what

Like I thought he just

Called me a dick

For you know

I'm like

I said what

And he goes

You're a dick

And he's walking towards me

So I took my right hand

And I put it right

In my jeans

And like

Right above my ass crack

And I actually do that

that when people start approaching me,

that's the first thing I do

because it looks like you're hiding a gun.

You know what I mean?

Like, I'm not going to pull out...

Oh, man.

Don't do that, Carlito.

Well, no, I don't come out and pull it.

I just pull...

Make the sign of the cross against the guy, man.

Make the...

Sorry, the vampire.

Chase the vampire away.

Well, no, you know, it doesn't...

You know, I'm not threatening him.

I'm just putting my hand back there.

He might have been a cop, man.

He sounds like he might have been

a fucking undercover fucking cop.

No, he had his kid in the car.

He was like some stupid white guy.

dick.

And I put my...

Wow, who do you think a cop thought, man?

90% of them are stupid white guys, man.

No, he looked like he was missing a few chromosomes, if you know what I mean.

He was kind of like...

Like that.

So I put...

What did his son look like?

Did his son look like a...

He looked like some soccer kid.

I don't know.

He looked like he was maybe 10 or 11.

How old was his kid?

He looked like he was maybe 10 or 11.

Oh, really?

Was his kid like a big fat guy?

No, no, it was a skinny kid.

It looked like he played soccer.

I think he was in a soccer uniform.

So I just, you know, for my protection, I put my hand back there

because usually when that happens, people are like, you know,

is he reaching for his wallet?

You know, he actually stopped when I did that.

I think that might have been what freaked him out.

And then I thought, I was like, you know, I did tell him, like, you know,

it's common courtesy, you know.

I told him, I was like, yeah, but what, are you going to call me a dick?

And I said, dude, I didn't call you a dick, penis, or a cock.

I told him just like that.

He was trying to falsely accuse you.

Yeah, so.

Hey, Carlito.

Yo.

What the dude was doing, man, he was throwing his emotional litter bag on you.

He was throwing that shit on you.

It's like, really, think about this.

Look around you all the time in this world, and you'll see that's all you're surrounded by is fucking people.

It's people, man.

And now that guy, because you did not knock him in his head, you did not bash him in his face,

and if he was a cop, that's what he wanted you to do,

is because he would have had ten fucking pigs surrounding you to carry you away.

Exactly.

Because you did not do that, because you are still blessed by the great spirit of love, peace, and joy, man.

Well, you know what I think happened?

I think he might have heard it from the radio and thought that I said it.

Because it's talk radio, so I really think...

Right, okay, yeah, Howard Stern, you can hear any fucking thing, right?

You can hear anything.

It was actually, now that I remember, it was the Artie and Teddy fight,

and I'm pretty sure they were throwing around, you know, dick and yelling at each other,

so I don't know if you know what the Artie and Teddy fight was,

was, but I think he heard that, and I think he thought I was saying it, but why would

I say it, like, it sounded like it was coming on the radio, I don't understand the dude.

Carlito, can I ask you this, are you still a subscriber to Howard Stern and the Sirius

videos?

Yeah, I love my subscription, yeah, actually, I did, I actually ordered the best of XM,

but I'm getting ready to cancel it, actually, I don't like it, but yes, I'm a subscriber.

XM, I thought XM and Sirius merged together.

Yeah, and if you have Sirius, you can get a few of the XM channels, the bigger ones,

you can get them on Sirius now as a package, like you do with cable TV, you know?

Okay, you know why I canceled my Sirius subscription?

Because I'll tell you what, man, I could have dug listening to Howard Stern's show

except for them fucking commercials, man, except for them fucking commercials, man.

Man, if I pay fucking $10 a month, or I think I was paying like $8 a month or something, $9 a month,

and I'm going to pay $9 a month to listen to fucking commercials, man.

Yeah, well, you know, maybe later, they probably won't, but they've got to take some breaks,

and I guess they've got to make some scratch.

Oh, come on, man, that's a Jewish fucking war profiteer mentality from the get-go.

So not only do they charge you,

yeah, man, you know what, man?

Hey, listen, man.

Anyway, Carlito, that's not what I called to tell you about.

Anyway, dude, you handled it right.

Now listen to this.

You're going to meet.

It's all intensifying.

You're going to go down the road,

and you're going to be perfectly innocent,

and there's going to be evil fucking people

that try to throw their emotional baggage onto you.

And you can't let it happen.

happen why why why carry their cross you know screw that that's right that's right dude that

exactly right all you can do in any moment is remember man if the motherfucker attacks you

then you got a right to defend yourself but other than that just shine the fucking retard on

and believe me 90 of the fucking people in this country are fucking retarded they are

fucking retarded they got they got george w bush uh a evil evil representative of the hitler

golan chairman mao communist socialist evil hatred murdered the millions of innocent people

and they they're fronting for them so don't believe that shit man because they want you

Who's next to choose either Obama or McCain, which is an extension of their evil?

Crazy fucker, people are wanting to call in.

All right, bro.

Hey, listen.

Thanks, man.

Love, peace, and joy to you, man.

Remember this, man.

Hey, remember this.

It's like, I'll just say one thing from an old Moody Blues song.

Face piles of tube that you perceive the web they weave.

Remember that song?

I can't say I did, but...

Well, hey, sometimes Google up old fucking Moody Blues.

The Moody Blues, man, this was back like in 1968.

It says, face trials for them who believe that you perceive the webs they weave.

All right, man.

That's right, man.

Remember this.

Love, peace, and joy will always win out over hate, fear, and greed.

There it is.

Thank you, man.

And that's why I listen to you, because you're a man of the love, peace, and joy spirit.

All right.

All right, Crazy Fucker.

It's never a good point from Crazy Fucker unless he hangs up the phone.

We always love it when he hangs up.

I've got to get these settings right here.

There's got to be a way to get...

I've got to play with all these little knobs and dials and stuff.

I've got a new mic on the way, too.

By the way, that song was from Ride My Seesaw.

Oh, yeah.

It sounds sexual.

Jonathan, Madhouse Radio.

Long time...

What's up, Carmelo?

First time caller.

What's up, man?

Not much.

Good to talk to you, bro.

How are you doing?

I'm all right.

I've just been busy.

I had more back surgery done for me.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You did tell me you had more back surgery.

Did you have a complication from the accident from before, or something else had happened?

It's still a complication from...

Okay, well, shoot.

I'm sorry about that.

Are things better now, or do you have to wait to find out?

Everything's better now.

Everything's repaired.

I'm back driving.

Okay, good, good.

Back to making money.

Oh, yeah.

Everything is good to go now.

Shit, yeah, man.

Good deal, good deal.

Good deal.

Yeah, and I've also been busy with that.

Yeah, that's good, that's good.

Any painkillers yet?

Did you get off of those?

Did you get addicted to them?

What happened with that?

I'm off the painkillers.

These days, put me on those.

I was sick.

Cool.

Well, man, try to show up, you know, back on Thursday nights.

I'm going to try to, you know, do a show.

It's been like two weeks since before, you know, since the last live show we did on Thursday.

That's why I'm here tonight.

And it's been fun.

I haven't been on this late on a Saturday in like years and years, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, Jonathan, be careful with your back.

I worry about you, you know.

Just, you know, take it easy on that, all right?

I will.

All right, Jonathan, say hi to your fans and listeners real quick.

We're going to wrap it up.

I'd like to say hello to all the fans and listeners.

I hope you all have a great week.

All right, Jonathan, take care, my friend.

We'll talk to you next time, all right?

All righty.

That's Jonathan, everybody.

I don't mean to cut people off, but, you know,

we've got a strict schedule here to hang on to.

So, everyone, if you want to call in, now's the chance.

You can come on quickly if you want to say, you know, how things are.

And again, the line is 1-888-278-8509.

Again, that's 1-888-278-8509.

That is our toll-free line here.

There's another caller.

Let's see who's next.

Someone with a 2 in the number.

Call in.

You're on the air.

Go ahead.

Omega.

Omega, what's up, bro?

It's that Ohio State thing.

Yeah.

Good show and everything.

Good, yeah.

It's a little surprise and prompt to show that I come on and entertain the masses.

It's doing what I can.

You tuned in late, right?

Right, you didn't start at the beginning when we started around 6.30.

I just got home about 6.

Oh, crap.

How's your weekend been treating you, man?

Other than going to the hospital and getting a staph infection.

Was it on your finger or something like that you said?

Yeah.

Did you get, like, caught on metal or at work?

I think.

You think you just, oof, that's nasty.

Did he eat away your skin or was it pussy?

A little bit.

They gave me some Lortab 10s for it.

There you go, Lortab.

Yeah, man, I've been hanging out with Lortab, man.

That's awesome.

Awesome, that's good stuff, Lori.

You know, I'll be honest with you,

Lortab really, it doesn't really do it for me.

It just puts me to sleep,

but it doesn't get me high.

Yeah.

Yeah, better than nothing, right?

Works for you.

At least you can sleep through the pain.

Oh, yeah.

I haven't been able to sleep with it, so.

Oh, really?

Did they put you on any antibiotics

or anything like that for it?

Yeah, they put me on antibiotics.

It has to take every six hours.

Yeah, I usually don't sleep really well

when I'm on antibiotics.

Sometimes they put me on a Z-Pak.

I forget what that's called.

It's like the steroid thing.

Z-something.

Yeah, I think I didn't sleep for two days once when I was on that.

I was healthy.

You know, my infection went away, but I couldn't sleep.

It's crazy stuff.

All right.

All right, man.

I don't mean to cut you out, but like I said,

we're punching them up live tonight and getting out of here pretty soon.

See you, bro.

All right, man.

Have a good weekend.

We'll talk to you later on, man.

Awesome.

That is.

No wonder it sounds weird because I have the mic and the phone on at the same time.

If you want to call in now is the time.

Again, the toll-free line is about to close, and that's 1-888-278-8509.

Well, I think that's 1-triple-A-2-7-8-8-5-0-9.

Is anybody else going on tonight?

I know Ford is on at 10 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

That's in about an hour and 20 minutes or so from now.

I don't know if anybody else is on schedule or is going to be filling in.

I cannot because I have domestic business to handle.

You know what I mean?

That's it.

We're out of here.

Tuck, your website is tuckermike.com, correct?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

Sure is.

Everyone be sure to visit that.

Everyone go to tuckermike.com.

Also, be sure to visit madhouselive.com as well.

That's my homepage.

Be sure to check out.

We have forums in there.

We've got a lot of prank calls for free that you can download.

You get a free CD there if you want to download.

You can buy an autographed copy from me, the most important guy in the world here tonight.

Also, we've got the podcast as well, Podcast Galore.

That's all over there at madhouselive.com.

And be sure to stay tuned here to syndicateradio.tv.

Okay, we had fun.

We got a lot of good calls here, I think.

We did our job.

We'll catch you here Thursday, everybody.

Peace out.

Calls (22, 1 h 11 min of 2 h 12 min)

Transcript

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