2008-10-16 Show

A ball has gone up in the air and it's been caught by someone's big hand.

Who the fuck is this?

Motherfucker, who is this?

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

You motherfuckers, quit!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey everybody, good evening. Madhouse Radio is back.

That is a loud mic.

Start bringing that down.

What's this thing? Maybe that's good.

These things are all wickety-wackety.

I just installed this mic yesterday, so hopefully it, you know, works right.

watching the level seem to be okay maybe a hair shorter i can't hear any any of the audio music

at all you can't hear any of the audio music at all no i heard it parted down

way low i know it's there but i can't hear it the hell you say really hang on let me see if

i can figure that out i'm so crazy none of the audio you've heard tonight at all nothing

I heard reggae go in and out a couple of times.

It's coming in and out.

Are you for real?

I don't know what to tell you about that.

We'll all try to fix it.

At least you can hear me.

You probably haven't been playing reggae.

No, I have been playing reggae.

Hey, everybody.

Madhouse Radio is on the air.

It's iCarleto.

Milkman is here as well.

What's up, Milkman?

How you doing?

Hello, Milkman.

Okay, good.

Tuck, can you hear music yet or anything?

No, we all can't hear music.

Does the sound normal?

Now I do.

Now you do?

Okay.

There was a set.

Yes, now we're here.

Now it's on.

I don't know what we were working for.

We're on the air now.

We're like a church.

Yeah.

All right, everybody.

If you want to join us here tonight, you can.

The toll-free lines will be open tonight.

Toll-free lines are going to be, there's only one toll-free line, actually.

That's 1-888-278-8509.

Once again, that's 1-888-278-8509.

509, that's the toll-free line here where you can call us.

And if the milkman was here, he'd be saying, you know, you got the time, we got the dime.

You got the time, we got the dime.

That's right, heck yes.

And also if you're using AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger.

Yeah, you know, I'm saying, oh, yeah, I don't know, the right computer.

And if we go blue, we'll move with that.

That's how we all get it.

All right.

If you're using AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger, you can reach me here at Madhouse Radio.

Again, Madhouse Radio, for those of you on AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger.

And for those of you on MSN Messenger, MadhouseAtLive.com.

I forgot to turn the cam on.

Hey, everybody, now you can see me.

What's up?

All right.

What's there to do?

What's there to talk about?

There's a lot of stuff going on in the world.

None of that I really want to talk about.

I mean, election, 18 days away.

No, it's been done.

Done.

Right?

And maybe I won't.

We do have some selected news articles here that have come in from Kokanee and others.

We'll be checking those out here later on tonight.

Also, if you have your own prank call submissions, be sure to send those in to me.

Do that over at the website madhouselive.com.

Once again, that's our main website.

That is madhouselive.com.

If you happen to have missed...

I did just see a bulletin that Sarah Palin's going to be on SNL this week.

So that'll be interesting.

The real Sarah Palin's going to be on, really?

Yeah.

So I'm presuming Tina...

Larry King breaking news kind of deal on CNN, yeah.

They'll do anything.

I'm presuming, of course, that they'll also have Tina Fey making an appearance, but...

Right, of course. Right.

I don't know. It just gives me the feeling it's too little too late.

The CNN Polo Polls does have Senator Barack Obama...

They were doing a roast last night, too.

They were doing some kind of weird roast going on.

I don't know.

Not last night, but tonight or something.

A roast?

Of who?

Sarah Palin?

No, a roast to some rich old governor or something.

He probably deserves it.

Anyway, now I lost my track.

I forgot what I was talking about.

The CNN poll of polls.

They've got Senator Obama ahead in electoral votes at this point.

He would clinch, in theory, according to their poll.

They poll all the polls.

They're the master poll of the polls.

They have Obama clinching the election.

He's got all the necessary, you know, if people vote as they say.

What are you writing over there, Athena?

Okay.

Thank you, Athena.

Athena writing me notes to set the alarm clock.

Athena's got a big plane flight tomorrow morning.

Going up north.

Did you hear that writer?

Yeah, she is running down.

She's sticking down notes.

Joke writer?

No, not my joke writer.

Did you hear joke writer?

Her jokes are not that funny.

Did he pass this to you in the rules of the paper?

No.

I don't know why you've been second lately.

Yeah, Saigon's talking about the Obama effect that people are talking about.

And it has a different effect.

There's a different name for this effect.

It's that people who say they will vote for Obama,

the people don't actually vote on Election Day.

Or they actually, you know, they say because it's the right thing to say.

Oh, yeah, I'll vote for Obama when they get behind the poll.

They actually mark down for McCain because, you know, he's black.

I just can't pull that lever for a nigger.

when's the last time anybody had to pull a lever to a boat i don't know i remember my dad telling

me about that like in 1984 he said he had to pull a lever and i was like really it's like yeah you

pull the lever and i'm like huh i've never seen that i i think it's been 20 years we still have

them here and uh now we're just they're still around so you pull the how many levers are there

is there a lever for i am i got a cotton field area i am just to get the machines yeah so when

when you pull the lever does it go does it go like like that when you pull it or does it you

know what how do you know if you voted right no it's a punk really it's a wow yeah it's a big

old metal plunker you know you voted right there you there's no doubt in your mind there's no

you know oh i need a paper ballot oh i know i'm voting for the right man that's right

no no hanging chads they're locked down that's right you're locked up

Yeah, I mean, they're locked, they're there, they're foolproof.

Hang on, hang on.

Where can I put what?

Get rid of them, too.

What?

Right?

To set the alarm clock.

Where are you going to put it?

I don't know.

Anyway, so, yeah, I gave it all the information.

Yeah, there's an election.

Who cares?

Anyway, let's do some prank calls, why don't we?

Let's see, we've got some numbers here in Philadelphia.

One of them says, tell the people living on this block.

It's the 4900 block of Uber Street in Philadelphia.

It says to say that I'm from Ghost Hunters and will be arriving in their neighborhood soon to investigate possible ghosts.

Ghostesses living in the house at 4923.

I'm wondering, is there a thing going on?

I've never seen the Ghost Hunters shows or nothing like that.

I don't believe in ghosts or spirits or anything.

I really don't think that it's a...

I just think it's a bunk of hogwash.

Where the fuck is Milkman?

Let's call Milkman.

See why he's not answering his stupid phone.

Let's call him.

Let me see what...

He's in here, but he's not talking.

Let's call him.

What the hell are you doing?

But I'm having...

You always have audio problems, milkman.

No, I just reformatted it, dude.

I got tired of it.

It's your shit.

It's all whining and trapping and stuff.

All right, well, we'll fix it.

Hurry up.

I'm in.

I'm actually in the...

Team speak, yeah.

Team speak.

You can't hear me yet.

That's what I'm working on right now.

Okay, well, let us know when we can hear you then.

All right.

See you then.

All right.

Bye.

All right, man.

Kick some butt.

Kick some fucking butt.

Yeah.

All right, that's Milkman.

Only five minutes until we get the mic.

Milkman ordering me to kick some butt, as he says.

Well, we're here to do that.

Let's go ahead and give a call here to Marvin Johns.

Marvin Johns, this is in the ghetto in Philadelphia.

Who is he?

What are you going to say?

Some guy in the ghetto, dude.

Who cares?

I didn't know Philadelphia had a ghetto, to be honest with you.

Everybody has a ghetto.

Yeah, we all do.

No matter where you live, there's a ghetto.

are there any ghettos in uh in alaska do you think of course you think in alaska

are there any black people in alaska yeah we're not sure there's a few military bases out there

all right we'll be right back after this first prank call tonight coming right up

ghetto igloos good point hollywood gold star name just says do wake up calls to athena i might do

Yeah, the show's going to be over at midnight tonight, by the way.

Don't expect a late show because I have to be up at 4.30 in the morning to go to the airport.

Oh, it's a bad connection.

Hello?

Yeah, do we have a bad connection or something?

Can you hear me okay?

Yes, I can hear you.

Why are you popping in and out so much, though, buddy?

What is it?

My name is Jerome Frank.

I live a few blocks down, and I was wondering if you were thinking about coming over tonight.

We have a block party.

Did you hear about that news crew that was going to be coming down here tonight?

Yeah, they're giving away a bunch of stuff.

We've got a barbecue.

Do you like meats, sir?

Straight to you, sir.

I'm on Lindley Ave.

What Lindley?

It's over there.

You know Uber, right?

You're on Uber Street?

Yeah, we're over on Uber and Lindley Ave.

You come over, you get yourself a plate.

Do you like ribs?

We have ribs.

We've got some hot dogs.

Do you have any kids?

Yeah.

We can bring some hot dogs back for the kids.

Do the kids like hot sauce?

We've got hot sauce, too.

Okay, I'll be there.

Okay, do you have anything you can bring, like some chips or something like that?

Or foil?

We need foil.

Okay.

Do you have any, how big would you say your head is?

Because I'd like to

We're trying to fashion

Like a few foil hats

Would you say it was

Like a medium sized head

Or average sized head

Or

Yeah what

Medium or average

Yeah both

Because black people have

Like they don't have big heads though

That's something about blacks

The blacks

They have like average

To small sized heads

So is

Do you have like

African American big

Or like

Like how would you rate

I'm in the middle of something right now

And I have to talk to you later

Can you please

Are you in the middle of a game

Or something

Yeah

Which one were you playing

Gears of War

Yeah

I don't think I'm going to do prank calls tonight.

I just don't think I've got it in me.

Oh, we'll try.

Yeah, it's got lame-ass.

That's what I don't like.

It's got lame-ass.

I don't like individuals like that.

You know how to hit the shower?

I don't know.

Yeah, I know.

I don't know.

Cygan says bring out Dr. Nargis.

Do I even have it?

I think I have a Dr. Nargis sound effect now.

This is the white devil right here.

This is the white devil.

All right, I don't like that.

I don't like voices.

That's so amateurish.

Yeah.

Did you hear something, Tuck?

I can hear you, Milkman.

Yes.

Did you hear Milkman?

Hey.

Inconherently, that's Milkman.

Yeah, all right.

All right, good milkman's here.

Okay, we've got Brenda and Benjamin Franklin in Philadelphia.

A black woman answered.

Well, that's good.

All right, let's call Benjamin Franklin.

We're calling Benjamin Franklin, everybody.

You're listening to Madhouse Radio and syndicate radio.tv.

98.6 The Mouth and madhouselive.com.

hello is the franklins available hello hello yes hi this is thomas jefferson is benjamin in

hello hello jesus christ hey lady hello you put new batteries in your fire alarm i can hear the

thing going in the back that means you don't that means you probably took the batteries out

and put in your remote control isn't that what you did lady use them all in your vibrator there

Hey, woman.

Woman.

I ain't going to answer.

What can I do?

The woman don't answer.

I can't.

You can't have that.

Oh, we're 0 for 2 so far here.

Woman.

You can bring them to bacon and burn it up in the pan.

Women do burn up bacon.

You can use the batteries from remote control and stick it in her vibrator and...

Women are good at messing up a lot of stuff, Milkman.

Women are good at messing up handjobs, bacon frying, and lives.

Think about it.

Okay.

Think about it, guys.

All right.

Let's go ahead and call the Cuban Bistro.

The Cuban Bistro is in Alabama, California.

We're getting a sprained wrist.

How is the lady of the house's wrist there?

Is it recovering now?

Her ankle?

She's fine.

She's doing good.

Yay.

Thanks for asking.

We love our thinners.

Sure we do.

We'll be right back with the next prank all night.

Here we go.

Hey, this is the Cuban place.

This is it.

You guys do good sandwiches?

We only do it at lunch, sir.

Oh, man.

What do you guys do tonight?

You got some ropa vieja?

Yeah, we have ropa vieja, lechon asado.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, buddy, hang on.

I don't know all about that stuff.

Well, how many, do you use yellow potatoes or white potatoes?

We have mashed potatoes.

Yeah, but is it yellow or mashed or white mashed?

They're white.

But you mashed the potatoes yourself, right?

You're not using the flakes.

No, it comes with garlic.

Garlic mashed.

Oh, that's good.

That's very good.

Can you put me down for a bowl of potatoes, please?

To go?

Yeah.

Can you put some butter in that for me?

A side of mashed potato?

A side of butter.

Do you want a side?

No, I want the bowl of mashed potatoes.

One space.

We don't have a bowl.

We only have sides.

Oh, you got a box?

We only have sides.

We don't have box.

What's the biggest holder thing that you use?

Depends how much you want.

Can you fill a whole tray with mashed potatoes and then put, like, a bunch of butter in the middle of it?

I mean, look, if I'm bothering you, sir, I mean, you know, times are tough.

Maybe I can, you know, maybe this other guy.

You know the Cuban guy, Rodriguez? You know him?

You know Rodriguez?

Rodriguez, man, he takes the plantain, he mashes it, and he puts it inside the bowl for me and everything.

And he cuts the meat in little strips, too, because I have soft teeth.

I was thinking, maybe, do you have any women there who maybe would chew up the meat for me and put it in my mouth like a baby bird?

Oh, can you give him one second?

Is it a woman who's going to talk to me next or a man?

No, the man here will talk to you.

What's his name?

Oh, man.

Eric.

Is he a mean guy or?

No, he's a cool guy.

Oh, cool.

All right.

Okay, one second.

All right.

We have a nice man manager coming up next.

Hey, hey, hey, let me fix a potato for you.

Yeah.

He's going to stick his dick in the mashed potatoes.

That's on a Beastie Boys album.

What album was that?

all of a sudden you hear

you hear the black guy going

this is going to be their kind of party

I'm going to stick my dick in the mashed potatoes

oh man

where's Gonzalez

that's the manager's name I bet

let's call back and ask for it

we'll call back and ask for Gonzalez directly

Gonzalez

I don't know if that's his name but that's what I'm going to say

his name is

hey milkman pick a number between 1 and 50

pick a number between 1 and 50

uh 49

All right, let's see what 49 sounds like.

I still haven't even really played with these settings.

49.

And this is 49.

All right, good.

Man, I love my new toy.

All right, so seriously, let's call on...

Reaver.

We're calling the Cuban Bistro back in.

Everybody don't go anywhere.

Madhouse Radio, prank call number three of the night.

It's now 10.30 p.m.

We've got an hour and a half of show left, and it just fucking started.

This is Jacob at Cuban Bistro.

How may I help you today?

Yeah, hi.

I was supposed to speak to Gonzales, the manager, and the guy hung up on me, Raul, the guy hung up on me.

You were supposed to speak to the manager named who?

I don't know.

I said, what's the guy's name?

He said, it was Gonzales.

I don't know.

He said something like Eric, something Hispanic sounding.

Okay, and what's it referring to?

Well, because I was asking for my special meal, and he said that he had to clear it before about the mashed potatoes and all that.

Give me one second, okay?

Where are you going?

You fucking ass.

This sounds like a nice place.

they got that nice nice music in the background huh that's a little piano there's a little

tinkling piano back there yeah man

sounds very cuban i was telling athena we should get a ricky ricardo impersonator for

the wedding reception i think that'd be cool come on with the bongos and all that'd be awesome

the bongos and the hat nagoya berries out there yeah

moving the mask man and then he does that impersonation kind of ricky mcclark

yeah cuban pete yeah we should have a new cuban pete

that'd be worth the money right there a frank sinatra impersonator that'd be cool

oh you know who'd be a good if we could get a tito puente impersonator going out there just

playing the the drums the timbales you know what i mean you probably don't

Tito Puente impersonator

My dad played with Tito Puente

Oh Jesus Christ

Those people suck

Let's try to call them again

They're going to answer here eventually

Don't bother with them

Put Jack Matheson on

I'm putting Tito Puente on

You should have Ricky Ricardo calling

Who's this?

Eric are you this big great manager

Are you the manager that anyone's telling me can't answer the phone?

I'm sorry, what was that again?

Are you the big, great manager that everyone's saying they're going to put me through to

and then they just hang up on me on purpose?

They're probably putting me on hold.

I was on the other line.

That's probably what happened.

Well, how come you answered the phone so quick now?

Because I knew there was somebody on hold for me.

Well, maybe you should, you know, answer the call in the order they're received.

What's the code over there for people to get good service?

What do I have to do?

Do I have to be a Hispanic man in order to get proper service there?

I had a question about the meat, the cut of the meat, sir.

Cutting the meat.

Okay.

What was your question?

I was telling Gonzales.

That guy Gonzales picked up the phone.

You know who I'm talking about?

No, sir.

Some Puerto Rican.

I don't know.

Some Puerto Gonzales, Rodriguez, something like that.

I told him that when I go to Rodriguez's place, they cut the meat really soft for me because I have soft teeth.

And he said, well, I have to find out.

out and i said well if not i need a bowl of mashed potatoes he said oh i don't do mashed potatoes we

don't have mashed potatoes here that's not fair you're supposed to have a vegetarian option soft

uh soft uh version of something for people have sensitive teeth like myself and the elderly

okay i'm not quite understanding what you're asking her that you want to order something i

want to order soft food but gonzalez we have there's you know i don't know what you're talking

we don't have no gonzalez here i don't know his name i don't order something we have our menu

name if you want to hermano hermano hermano listen you hear me what i was asking because i have

sensitive teeth is if maybe do you have someone there could chew the meat for me and put in my

mouth like a baby bird no it's gonzalez there's always a gonzalez enough of you bullshit i know

know gonzalez right gonzalez is over here chew the food like a baby bird we are your overlord

stop singing you're gonna get to just start singing whenever you want what's wrong with you

hello hey athena what's up what i'm just calling you on the air and i wanted to apologize for

getting upset about the stupid note okay okay you're in an angry mood now no i was just about

That's a wake-up call, yeah.

Well, I just want to say goodnight, I love you, because I didn't say goodnight to you.

Okay, goodnight, I love you, too.

I want to remind you of all the fun I'm going to have when you're gone this weekend.

I'm going to eat all the food in the house.

I'm going to eat lots of fried chicken and maybe some sugar.

Have fun with that.

There's nothing you can do about it, either.

Yeah, well, that goes both ways.

What are you going to eat?

I'm not going to be eating, but I'm going to be having a lot of fun.

Oh, wow, buying wedding dresses.

Ooh, that sounds like a lot of fun.

on not me you know what i'm going to be doing sitting in my boxers drinking beer on a saturday

afternoon and eating lots and lots of bad food and farting yes milkman says farting

you're gonna miss the farting athena you're gonna miss the farting

all right well good night good night baby love you have a good night i'll be in bed soon

to wake you up again okay all right bye that's a thing i feel bad i got upset at her because

Everybody, you know, Carlito gives poor Athena a Dutch Everett treatment

as soon as he gets in bed.

I do.

The second I pull the sheet when she's asleep, it's kind of funny

because I did do that once to see if I could wake her up,

and I did wake her up.

That must have been one raunchy fart because I got into bed,

she was still sleeping, and I pulled the comfort over her head

and I farted really loud.

The fart didn't wake her up, but about 40 seconds later she woke up,

she's like, oh, Carlos.

So, yeah.

There you go.

Ripping wine and cheap cigars.

Nothing better.

Ripping wine and cheap cigars.

All right, that was my fiancée.

For those of you who don't know, that's Athena.

She's getting to bed because she's going to be up at 4.30.

Yay!

God, a woman takes so long to get ready in the morning.

She's like, I've got a plane flight.

I've got to get up at 4.30 and do my hair and wash my crotch and this and that and pack my bags.

I'm like, oh, my God.

Oh, man.

You know.

I've got a quick question.

Is the Madhouse chat server up?

Yeah, I'm in it now, sir.

Okay.

No problems.

Hey, Milkman, you know what I'm going to do this weekend?

You know, because Athena's leaving, you know what I'm going to do?

I think I'm going to have...

What are we doing, man?

I'm going to make another one of those big-ass sandwiches that I made a few months ago.

Remember where I made the bread here and all that?

Hell, yeah.

That's what I'm doing Friday.

It was like a five-pound sandwich.

Heck, yes.

Dude, that was sick.

That sandwich was so good, but it was so huge.

Dude.

The ham was...

You had to take a whole ham and throw in.

A whole side of ham and put two pieces of bread on top of it, yeah.

So, yeah, put that down, Milkman, for me.

Milkman, you're my scribe.

Write down tomorrow I need to go to Publix and pick up mayonnaise and bread and mix.

Five pounds of bacon.

Five pounds of bread and mix.

All right, guys, more prank calls.

We've got more numbers to do.

Quickly, snappy, snappy.

Oh, let me turn on the toll-free line.

If you people want to call in, the toll-free line is going to be open here in just a few seconds.

do that call man

what's that number give it out real quick for the people

so they know how to get a hold of us

all you do is just drop the dime

because actually we got the dime

it's 888-278-8509

that's right

888-278-8509

alright good deal

what was that

that was

clone homegrown is in here

what was that about I haven't heard that one in a while

we used to put it like 50 times a show

smoke weed every day

I know

I used to be so burnt out in this show

now Tuck's the only pot smoker on here

yeah

and Zolar

well he's not a member of the Madhouse

he's a friend of the Madhouse

but he's not a Madhouse

he is a brotherhood

I did want to announce

you know we've been talking about for a long time

the Madhouse Militia

I think what I'm going to do is I'm going to start posting some jobs.

You know, we can't pay you.

I can't pay you yet.

But I did want to kind of make, you know, we have a need for someone who's good with MySpace

to just be in charge of promoting the MySpace page.

We need a person to do the same thing for a Facebook page for us.

Maybe if they can design it a little bit, just be in charge of getting people to sign up for it,

keeping them updated.

We need like an ambassador.

We are accepting interviews right now.

So, yeah.

And on your resume.

All right.

And we will pass around the board.

Well, Kokanee did express interest in doing the MySpace thing,

but he's already doing the news, and that's a lot of work.

I know.

He kicks ass in the news department.

I was going to definitely give him thumbs up.

Yeah, we got a lot of –

Him and the Lonesome Losers, those guys rock.

Yeah, they do plenty of –

But, yeah, DC looks right.

Yeah, like a madhouse street team.

Saigon's going to be in charge of the KDK smear campaign.

There you go.

All right.

This has been weird enough.

I don't even think he's doing shows anymore.

I buried him.

I'd trade your interest in another thing, energy in another thing.

Yeah, but you know who is coming back is Blackout, apparently.

Oh, man.

Just give him some of that Red Bull and Thunderbird, and he'll be happy.

Yeah, apparently Blackout's making yet another comeback.

He's living in, like, a basement in New York with his crackhead mom or something like that,

and he's making some type of comeback.

I don't know.

Mommy?

Yeah.

Oh, anyway, here we go.

Look, I wanted to play this real quick since we're talking about stuff of this nature.

This is the Howard Stern Contest.

I wanted to play real quick the demo that I sent them today.

They have the contest, I Want to Be Howard Stern, sponsored by Klondike, $5,000 grand prize,

along with a one-hour show on Howard 100 sometime in November, apparently.

And the winner will be awarded the prize.

Yeah, baby.

I doubt we're going to get it.

I'm sure a lot of people.

What do you mean?

Yeah, I know Zolar submitted.

I'm not going to be afraid to give it to anybody else but us.

Oh, please, don't even.

The demo wasn't good, I'll be honest with you.

I put it together at the last minute.

It was supposed to have been postmarked by today.

I didn't start working on it until last night.

So I didn't, you know, and the complaints are at this point, I don't sound very energetic.

And, you know, it was the best I could do.

But here's my submission.

It's less than three minutes long.

Listen to this here.

Tell me what you think.

I think it was okay.

You know, I think I can honestly say at least I gave it a shot.

Here we go.

All right, good deal.

Hey, guys, I just want to let you know, if you're out there listening already,

ready the numbers are slowly starting to climb up as we reach our usual peak about 30 minutes

after the show starts people start filtering in as the word gets out there if you are listening

for the first time welcome if you're listening for the second time welcome as well as all our

old-time listeners be sure to tell a friend or two if you're online now and you see a friend or

two out there who's never listened to the show or you think might be wanting to laugh or enjoy

themselves tonight i want you to send them a link to the website manhouselive.com or of course our

our flagship station, our brothers and sisters over at SenecaRadio.com.

Hey, guys, if you're out there, I just want to let you know

we're going to have some prizes to give out tonight.

What the contest will be, I don't know.

I'll come up with it later.

But we've got two wonderful movies I picked up in the dollar store,

and they're still factory sealed here.

But the first one is called The Black Enforcers.

It's a Lee Frost film with three angry-looking black guys on the front of it right there.

There it is.

It's called The Black Enforcers.

I'll let you know.

What's a Lee Frost film?

Here's all it says in the back.

A general forms an inner city people's army to try and ease the misery of the citizens of Watts.

So apparently it's about a black people army and they show like they're torturing a white guy in the back.

It looks kind of funny.

So that's the black enforcers.

Yeah, it's real funny.

There's a black guy.

It cost me a dollar and it can be yours tonight.

I get so mad, man, when I'm at work.

I'm never making this mistake again.

I don't care if I can get a job easier because of it.

But I made the mistake with this job now of checking in that box in the application.

Do you speak Spanish?

Another language.

I say yes.

I hate the Spanish calls because the first thing that I hear when they hear my name is Carlos,

they're like, oh, I'm Espanol.

And I always go, motherfucker, you.

And I say, yeah, I speak Spanish, man, what?

Because it's, I don't know, it's annoying.

It's more work.

You got to talk more syllables and shit.

It's so fucked.

That's wrong.

I don't get paid any extra.

I don't get paid any extra for it.

I've done it in the past, but they pay you an extra, you know, 30 cents an hour if you take Spanish calls.

Because, you know, it's more work to work for those people.

Especially when you're doing tech support, you know, man.

It's hard to say all that stuff.

It's a lot.

I don't hear you.

You don't talk to me like that, bitch.

I don't even know who the fuck to fuck with you.

Put your man on the phone, I said.

Fuck you.

What are you crying for?

Did someone die?

Ma'am?

Yes?

I have gas.

Listen.

Oh!

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you!

Fucking team of shit!

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

So that's my...

Ooh, goddammit.

I got to get used to that here.

That's my submission.

Like I said, not a lot of energy.

And Zola was making a good point.

It probably was a bad idea to add that promo at the end because, you know,

including the website in it, probably just in bad taste,

and they might reject it on the basis of that.

They might not play it on the air.

That was a good point.

And also, yeah, the whole energy thing.

But you know what?

Like I said, at least I gave it a shot.

It probably won't go anywhere.

I wasn't expecting it anyway.

But, hey, maybe it'll get the word out about the prank calls we do here.

Maybe they'll pick up and maybe visit the site and play.

Maybe one day one of our prank calls will be played on a Howard 100.

That'd be kind of cool.

But probably not.

i was telling uh zolar though earlier today even if i don't get my own show on howard 101

at least i didn't fuck a train in the process of not getting the show i am five so there we go

i already got that up and i'm i'm the superior force as always so yeah i want to say what's up

to everybody in the chat room real quick we've got a lot of people in syndicate what's up guys

i love syndicate radio and be sure tomorrow to check out a lot of different shows that'll be on

I know DJ Butterface will be on in the evening.

Followed by Zolar and the Zolar Vision Party Nation at 9 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

Be sure to listen to that.

That's right.

Wow, is that really what Crazy Al looks like?

Because that guy looks like Groucho Marx or something.

Like a young Groucho Marx.

Very nice goatee, sir, though.

Very good work.

I've tried working on it, and it just doesn't.

Whoa, look at that big dude in the back, though.

Whoa, what's out there?

Jack Masterson just walked by.

Hey, we found him.

All right.

Evil Artie says a gay grouch.

That's wrong, dude.

There's nothing wrong with gays.

Work on that ham flap between pizza bread.

Okay.

Big what's up to Evil Artie, of course.

Home boy.

He said he wants to hang out this weekend.

Hey, Artie, man, why don't you come?

You should come over to the crib on Saturday, man, or Sunday.

Maybe we'll watch football together.

Oh, you're not a sports fan, you said.

But maybe we'll hang out over some pizzas.

Yeah, for a farting contest.

And fart.

Yeah, hell yeah.

We'll drink Heineken's and get the Heine farts going.

That'd be cool.

Someone tell me, because I'm not a big fan of baseball,

are the Tampa Bay Devil Rays in the World Series?

Are we at the World Series yet?

Or are we still in the playoffs right now?

I don't ever really care much for baseball ever since the strike in the 90s.

What happened?

Milkman, you don't know, do you?

You don't know anything about that?

The Blitzkiss is the Rays are in.

Okay.

There we go.

It just seems to me like you remember.

I remember 1997 when the Marlins went in

and they won the championship, and the next year they disappeared again

after sucking forever.

I kind of feel bad that's what happens.

Crazy Al says they're winning 7-0 at the bottom of, and it cuts off.

I can't see it, of the Sabbath.

Yeah, well, they're pretty much winning.

So who's on the other side?

Who's going?

Cubs are out, right?

I understand.

Rays win tonight.

Excuse me.

They face the Phillies in the World Series.

Go White Sox.

Yeah, those Philly fans take that seriously, dude.

Well, go Rays.

I'm in Orlando, and, you know what I mean, Tampa Bay is right next door.

They're considered Central Florida kind in a way, not really, but, yeah, well, good, good for that.

That would piss me off, you know, what they did to poor old Pete Rose, man.

They should let Pete slide.

He should be in the Hall of Fame.

That's bullshit.

Wait, he bet it a few times at the end of his career?

Bullshit.

Let Pete slide, man.

He was the king of the belly slide.

Oh, yeah, dude, let him slide, man.

Hell, yeah, we should start a campaign right now.

Pete Rose, let him slide.

Bring it back to me.

He's got some raw meat there on that one, guys.

Everybody pin in your vote.

Join the forums and let us know your opinion.

Yeah, Saigon does make a good point.

Yeah, Pete Rose has never apologized for that.

He never, like, takes ownership.

He's like, whatever, yeah, I bet it.

So what?

I'm still a badass.

Yeah, so, yeah, yeah, definitely Evil Artie.

Yeah, let's hang out.

Maybe tomorrow, even, if you want.

Maybe we can chill and listen to Zola together or something like that.

We'll come here.

I'll go over there to the dorm, you know, and we'll hang out.

I don't know about going to Evil Artie's house.

and you'll get the bread.

Yeah, I don't know about going to Evil Artie's house.

The parking at UCF is so fucking shitty.

I have to pay like $5.50.

He already has the bacon.

You don't want to be his bacon

after that bacon ball incident.

Oh, God, no.

Okay, anyway, Hollywood Vanya was just trying to call in.

Hollywood, call back in so we can do some pranks, my man.

I missed the call.

Hollywood Vagina, please give a call in.

Again, if you want to reach us here,

it is at Madhouse Radio for Yahoo and AOL Instant Messenger users.

Of course, Hollywood is here.

Also, Lonesome Losers sending in numbers.

We've got a lot of numbers here.

We've got Hawaiian, Brian's, Billiards, Professional's set up.

Oh, look at that.

Hollywood, what's up, man?

How you doing?

Hello, Mr. White Devil.

How are you?

The White Devil.

Where are you, my white minion?

Oh, man.

It's been like forever since you've been on the show, dude.

Well, it's been forever since you've been on.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

True that.

You had a little bit of a blow up last week.

I broke the White Devil machine.

Did you hear about that?

Yeah.

Yeah, I've got to go to the mall and buy a new one of those this weekend.

Was that at Ventures?

Yeah, no, at Bed Bath & Beyond.

I really hope they still have them in.

I don't know.

We'll find out.

Who would have known you could have got something from Bed Bath & Beyond for prank calls?

Yeah, I was in there with Athena because we were registering at Bed Bath & Beyond for the wedding.

And I was looking around.

You should have put that for like 4 or 5 of those.

4 or 5 of those.

It's a Greek wedding.

I don't know.

This guy, he says, buy these voice changers.

I don't know.

Buy him some Windex.

And then they gift wrap it for you.

That would be hilarious.

Yeah, well, we'll see how they write gift wrap voice, white devil machine voice changers, yeah.

Yeah, I've got to get that back because those white devil calls are hilarious.

Yeah, I definitely got to do that.

So what's been up with you, man?

Are you all recovered up from the ankle or the leg or whatever you broke in the car accident and all that stuff?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good.

I'm out of therapy now, and I actually, a couple weeks ago, I had a tendon that was, I'm sorry, a nerve that was pulled in my left hand.

Right.

Causing my hand to go numb.

Oh, my God, really?

Was it a pinched nerve?

Yeah, yeah, it was the ulnar nerve that was causing my pinky and my ring finger to go numb.

Oh, that sucks, dude.

You've got to watch out for that stuff.

Yeah, I've had that problem reoccur.

Sometimes I sleep on my arm funny, and then I wake up, and I can't feel my pinky finger.

Kind of weird.

Anyway, yeah, so what was I going with this?

I don't know.

Hey, good job with the prank calls, man.

You're keeping everyone.

Go to the forums over at madhouselive.com forward slash forums.

Please visit them.

What did you think about those intros?

Yeah, the intros are good.

You know what?

I didn't get a chance to pull them for tonight, but I will.

That's cool.

Nah, yeah, but I'm going to start playing them.

You know, before the show, I always play the little PSAs and stuff like that.

Yeah, that's good stuff, man.

I'm going to definitely do that.

I did want to mention, I'm a little upset.

I'm an Obama supporter, but I'm a little upset at the Obama campaign.

That's your sticker, huh?

My magnet, dude.

Five weeks ago, I donated to the campaign.

I'll be honest with you.

I donated $50 to the Obama campaign, and I was supposed to receive an Obama-Biden magnet for my car.

It's supposed to be blue, and it'll match my new blue car.

And I'm like, that's good.

You know what?

I'm helping out the cause.

In turn, I get to put the magnet on my car.

And it's been five weeks, and I still haven't gotten the magnet.

and actually did some research, and I'm not the only one.

Apparently, there's a ton of people who've donated, you know, $15, $20, $25,

and have not gotten their magnet.

So I don't expect to get it at all.

That's what I've been talking about.

They sold out even the yard signs.

They sold out of the yard signs and the magnets?

They completely sold out, yeah.

Well, then why not?

Yeah, that's the problem.

Well, put it on the website and say, well, I'm sorry, we're out of magnets.

We'd still love to, you know, receive, you know, your donation.

But at this point, by the time I get the stupid magnet,

that, you know, it's going to be, the election's going to be

over. What's the point? Yeah.

And Saigon's right. Yard signs...

Why would they charge you?

How much did they charge you?

How much did they charge you to put

yard signs up? Why would they charge you to buy

a yard sign? That's retarded.

They should actually...

They should give them away.

I don't understand. Anyway,

so, whatever. Anyway, let's do some prank

calls, Hollywood. Are you in the chat right now?

Are you attentive in there? Yes, I am

in here, sir. Okay, I'm going to send you the

list that we have from Lonesome Loser for tonight.

We've got Miss Bonnie's House of Love.

We've got a Piggly Wiggly. I didn't even know

there were any Piggly Wigglies left. They've left Rolando

for decades. Yeah, they've got one in Denton.

Out where I live. Yeah, Denton.

Yeah, wow, that's good, man. I used to love

Piggly Wiggly. They used to have some cool stuff there.

Well, that's cool. We've got Mo Fo's

Pizza and Pasta, Humpy's

Great Alaskan Ale House, Bubba Gump

Shrimp Company. Never been to a Bubba Gump

before. There's one in Daytona Beach, but I've never

been. Uncle Tom's Cabin.

We've called Uncle Tom's Cabin before.

It's a funny place.

Yeah, and, hey, for those of you who missed the last show that we did on Saturday,

right at Hollywood, that was basically all, like, us calling people that we had prank called, like, years ago.

Yeah, yeah.

We called them back, and, oh, man, some of that stuff is just insanely funny.

Did you hear it yet, Milkman?

Did you get a chance to listen to that yet, dude?

Dude, that was precious.

Yeah, it was a great show.

You know they missed us.

Yeah, if you missed it, go to the website madhouselive.com and download the October whatever date Saturday was.

It's the most recent episode on there.

Very few people caught it live, but it was a very, very good show.

Great prank calls.

I might play a few of those.

Thanks to Nunu and Lonesome Loser for being around on Saturday to get those numbers for us,

and thanks to Hollywood for isolating them so quickly.

All right, Hollywood, so you see the list there.

We've got a bunch.

We've got a liquor store.

We've got a Super 8 motel.

Ms. Bonnie's House of Love

a black woman answered there

wow

hey hey

there you go

what do you think

what do you think in here man

what can we do

hey that's Ms. Bonnie's

House of Love

let's try that one

okay this is in LA

on 101st street

that's uh

Milkman lives closer there

uh

Ms. Bonnie's House of Love

everybody coming up

hey

oh yeah Milkman

I wanted to mention

did you hear there's a hurricane

headed for the Virgin Islands

yeah it's propaganda

propaganda

yeah they're just trying

to sell crackers

and uh spam

yeah the spam industry

is uh

Yeah, it's a bunch of bullshit.

Bullshit.

Yeah, I'm actually charged for water.

One of them fuckers are coming over.

Oh, God.

Yeah, I know.

We're in Florida.

We get the same problem here.

They say, oh, there's no price gouging.

There's price gouging, dude.

Trust me.

It happens.

All right.

They're trying to get rid of the batteries that are stocked up.

That's all it is.

All right, let's get out of here.

Well, let's get out of here.

Let's do the prank call here.

Ms. Bonnie's House of Love.

I'm going to put some Manu.

Yeah, all the vibe babies here.

Manu.

Manu Chao.

Hang on, everybody.

One moment, please.

Thank you.

Yeah, baby, is your husband there?

You got the wrong number.

No, ma'am, this is Miss Bonnie's.

Yeah.

Yeah, my husband should be there.

Can you see if he's there?

It's Cletus Jenkins.

I'm about to hang up, Dionne.

Excuse me.

Hello, Jenkins.

Can you see if my husband, Cletus, is there, please?

Cletus ain't here, sweetie.

Oh, baby, please look and see.

I have a message here.

Yeah, sweetie.

Excuse me.

Please what?

My husband, Deon, I could have had that.

Who is it, Holly?

This who?

He said tonight that nigga just left it with his wiener whacker in his head.

Now, lady, be all upset with me.

You don't have to use that language on me, baby.

You think your husband is over here?

I told you.

I asked him, son.

Who laughed, baby?

Son, when he left, did he take it off or took it off?

Maybe just a few minutes ago.

Yeah, baby.

Baby, is that okay?

That's okay, baby.

Hang on, here he comes.

He already come once, I see.

He gotta stay in one moment, please.

It took so long to get home.

Yeah, to stop by the bakery.

Get some slack.

Yeah, let's do it.

Y'all be cleaners.

Why you press phone, baby?

Ain't nobody pushing no phone, baby.

No budge, ma'am.

Get it done.

See you next week, all right?

All righty.

Been licking too many bulldogs.

Don't you scratch too many cats, neither.

Mm, you got that right, baby.

Okay.

They stupid.

That nigga's stupid.

That's not funny.

Oh, man.

They were enjoying it.

You know, that's the kind of...

Sometimes it's fun to do the prank where, you know, the people are like, oh, we love this.

Yeah, they know.

They don't care.

Somebody else.

Yeah.

Man, they're all into it, man.

That was great.

Great, great.

They all thought they knew who it was.

That's the whole thing.

Yeah.

What did they say?

Jerome or Darone or something like that?

Yeah, Darvon or something.

Darvon or something.

Yeah, Clay's saying that sounded like the bus lady.

What's her face?

Deborah Mansfield?

Oh, yeah.

It kind of did, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, man.

You know that sweet potato pie prank call we did?

Let me cue that up.

I haven't heard that in a while.

We'll play that.

Sweet potato pie.

Yeah, he really got into that one.

He's like, no, because I don't, because I don't mess with no black folk.

But she's got a black guy answering the phone in her house.

Like, uh-huh, yeah.

Sure.

Sure you don't.

You don't creep with the black dudes.

Not at all.

I think that's all she does all day, creeping with black dudes.

Oh, man.

All right, so let me take one next here.

Let me see what we got.

Excuse me.

Wow, very indigestion-y.

We got less than an hour left to show.

I don't think I'll do a break tonight, so I don't cut you guys off.

But as it is now, I'm probably going to get, if I end the show right at 12 and go to sleep,

I'll get four and a half hours worth of rest.

Oh, you're working tomorrow, aren't you?

Well, no.

Well, yeah, I'm working tomorrow, but I've got to wake up at 4.30.

Athena's got to be at the airport by 5.15.

So, you know, I've got to fuel the bird before we go because I'm on E right now,

so I'm going to have to do that.

But on the bright side, man, weekend by myself.

Do you ever get those, Hollywood?

Occasionally.

Isn't that the best feeling?

You have kids, though, right?

Yeah, I'm taking the day off tomorrow.

I'm spending it with my son.

There you go.

Good for you, man.

Good for you.

I can't wait to have a kid.

I had a fucking man a minute ago.

He's 23 years old.

I still got to tuck him in.

He's 23.

Hey, hey, hey.

Come on.

Put this on.

There you go.

Get your jammies on.

He's a daddy's boy.

You're a worship chief.

He's a boy.

You little fuck.

You think that's a problem, Hollywood?

You got to turn it through on your kid at home and still tuck him in?

Yeah, yeah.

When did he start breastfeeding?

Around 10?

He still does.

He just does it off me.

I can't believe I'm lactating still.

Oh, God.

Well, all right, then.

All right, he's still taking those estrogen pills.

That's probably why.

I know about them.

yeah and keeps it running already does too here here's a here's a question here's a question um

wasn't there an alicia silverstone movie where she was breastfeeding a kid and didn't she kill

the dad and wasn't there like a like a like a greenhouse at the end of it where she was obsessed

with the baby and she was like having an affair with the father you know what i'm talking about

oh man alicia silverstone he's driving me crazy you remember you remember that actually matter

Matter of fact, that video called Crazy, that song called Crazy.

Oh, yeah, with her and Liv Tyler.

Oh, man, when they were bouncing on the bed.

Liv Tyler's got two movies coming out on Tuesday, man.

Two on DVD or in the theater?

Yeah, on DVD.

Really?

Strangers and Incredible Hulk.

She was in Incredible Hulk.

I didn't see the new Hulk movie.

It's all right.

It's better than the original one.

Really?

They did a better job.

You know, I didn't mind the original one.

It's just at some point I was like, I really, there's really nothing happening except for action.

and it was kind of cool at first, but now it's just getting kind of boring.

Yeah, well, this one has more content.

It's got more flavor to it.

How's the Hulk look in it, though?

I mean, is he pretty realistic?

Not realistic, but are the special effects of the Hulk better this time around than the last one?

They were all right.

They weren't the greatest.

Okay.

But the story really carried itself.

Exactly, exactly.

A lot of commentary, I guess.

Yeah, the little prick now is the Hulk, man.

Here's a question.

I know he plays softball and stuff.

He's probably well-versed on this kind of stuff.

I know the Rays are a 10-year-old team.

They were franchised originally into the league.

Them and the Diamondbacks, I think, weren't those the two teams that came in at the same time?

I think so, in 98 or 97 or something like that.

How long were the Marlins in the league when they won that first championship in 97?

They started in 93, I think.

so they were like only in for like four years just out of curiosity i just i just think about

that i don't know i just i remember i was i was at the inaugural game for the marlins i had tickets

for that it was way up and back but me i had this friend when i was in middle school he was a mormon

kid he was a big baseball fan and he had extra ticket and i used to take him to um hockey games

uh tampa bay lightning hockey games my dad had season tickets and every once in a while i have

have an extra ticket, we had three, and I invited him to come, so he invited me to that

inaugural game, man, it was really cool, it was kind of cool, I think the Marlins lost

the game, I don't even remember, but 93, McNew says, so, okay, four years in the league,

yeah, that's what I thought, yeah, guys, I wish, you know, I really should try to embrace

baseball again, but I'm going to tell you what happened, when baseball had that one

strike in the 90s, I was still in high school at that point, and I was a baseball fan, and

and I got really pissed off, and I was like, fuck this shit.

A bunch of assholes, right?

And then at the same time, man, NBA was blowing up.

There was a year, so Jordan and Shaq here in Orlando and stuff like that,

and, you know, the Magic were in the finals, and I was an Orlando Magic fan,

and I gave up on baseball, became a big-time basketball fan.

I'm a big basketball fan, more so even than football,

although I do enjoy football.

I played it in high school, but baseball lost me with that strike,

and i never went back to it i could i could hardly know here you know what what goes on with baseball

anymore it's a shame because to follow baseball pretty closely uh blitzkrieg reason made a strike

really fun and they didn't have another strike after that anyway or did they i remember michael

jordan was like playing baseball during a strike i was like what the fuck baseballs basketball is so

at that point i really thought that basketball was and for a while that it looked like it was

headed that way it looked like nba basketball was headed to become the new national pastime

or the United States, except for football.

I really think that, you know, they say baseball is a national pastime of this country.

I really think it's football.

Football has to make a lot more money than baseball does and pro ball.

I can't see how it doesn't.

You've got to look at it like this.

You've got the Super Bowl, man.

It's not a kid's game.

Football is a, baseball is a kid's game, a family game.

Right.

And that's why they still call it the national pastime.

Yeah, I don't know.

You know, I really think the national pastime of America is definitely not baseball.

Basketball kind of fell off when they had their shot.

I think it's couch potato sports, just sitting and watching TV and playing PS2.

Yeah.

But I try to watch baseball.

Now, Andy, man, he's a big baseball fan.

And when he still lived in Orlando, I used to go over to his place.

He'd be watching the Cubbies play, man.

And I got into it kind of sometimes, but sometimes it's just like watches.

Like, man, they're just standing around.

around it takes so long and they just stand around it's a big chess game it's like fuck

basketball they're like they're on the court and they're you know you got the dunks and you got the

fucking shit you know and the football you know it's in spurts but it's still good you know

baseball's just they stand and they stand and they stand as a bunch of immigrants and rednecks

standing around in the field all right i'm off my soapbox hollywood next prank call right let's go

I think that movie you were talking about is called The Babysitter.

Yeah, baseball six billion, NFL seven billion, says Mike Canute.

I don't know what his sources are.

Andy always liked the baseball outfits, you know, had the tight pants and the cup.

Yeah, you got to, yeah, Andy, he was into guys dressing up in baseball clothes in front of him

and having them do slides.

What's that prank called?

Silverman

You know I'm talking about Silverman, baby

Silverman, he's like

He's like the sports talent agent

Frank Rizzo kind of guy

Let me play that prank

This is a funny prank, I love this guy

And while I'm at it

We're going to get

Let's call the Super 8 Motel

I'm going to start that off, feel free to join in

If you feel the tickle, okay?

Okay

Do I see a guy dead in the village voice?

Are you guys offering top-level positions in baseball?

First of all, you do me a favor.

Shut those fucking bastards up behind you.

Oh, I'm at work right now.

My boss doesn't know I'm calling because this job is a piece of shit job.

I'm looking for real work.

Yeah, real work, like in the major leagues.

Not, I don't know if I'm ready for the major leagues,

but I'm definitely ready for the minor leagues.

No, no, no, we don't do minor leagues, son.

I'm a top agent.

My name is Silverman.

Shut that motherfucker up so I can hear you.

You don't hear me?

No, that fucking, who is that guy with the mouth?

I'm a salesman.

Well, who's the big mouth behind you?

Oh, he's another salesman.

Put him on the fucking phone.

He's taking care of a customer.

All right, well, you tell him to shut his fucking mouth.

I don't need to hear that shit when I'm trying to talk to you.

Okay.

What do you want to do?

You want to race a car?

You want to play baseball?

What the fuck do you want?

I want to play baseball.

All right, for what team?

Hopefully Yankees.

All right, I'm writing all this shit down.

Give me your name.

My name is Chris.

Yeah, that's great, Chris.

Chris what?

S***.

All right, s***, right?

Yes.

All right, so what do you want to do?

I want to play the outfield.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speedy Gonzales over here.

I need your fucking phone number.

212?

Yeah.

4?

Right.

8-1-2.

Now, what is that supposed to mean?

Huh?

That's my number.

Yeah, but no, I don't give a fuck about the number.

You just said you wanted to do what in the outfield?

I want to play the outfield.

Yeah, so do I.

I want to play the outfield.

You've got to tell me more.

I've got to get you out there.

I want to make top dollar for you.

You know why?

I run the 40 in 4.4.

Yeah, so do I.

Let me tell you something.

What?

but I run a 40 and 4.4.

Thank you for calling Willis Super 8.

This is Nicole.

Hey, how you doing, sweetheart?

How you doing, Nicole?

What's going on?

Nothing.

Nicole, I'm super fabulous.

This is a beautiful night here in the United States of America

and a beautiful evening all over the world, sweetheart, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

Can I make a reservation for some spaces, please?

How many spaces do you charge for a space?

A space?

How much are your spaces?

When I come, I need a space.

I'm going to come in my car.

How much do you charge for the spaces?

You need a room?

I need my space.

Hold on one second.

How many people?

It's myself and my friend Bruce.

Okay, so two people.

How many nights?

Is this discreet because my wife is kind of wondering about me,

and it would look kind of odd if me and Bruce were together in the same room checking together.

Okay, so you want two beds?

Mm-hmm.

Or you want one room with one bed and the other room with one bed?

Well, honestly, one bed.

One room, one bed.

Yeah.

Now, don't tell, please, if my wife calls, you got to say, you got to cover for me, say it's a business meeting, it's a conference.

Okay.

Do you have any kind of discount, AAA or AARP?

He used to be in the Marines.

So, government?

I don't know.

Maybe he has the pass.

I don't understand.

Hold on.

Unless I have money, I'm an airline pilot.

Okay.

I can pay.

I'm an airline pilot.

Hey, what's she asking?

Quiet, honey.

Huh?

Oh, I'm sorry.

And when is it for?

It will be for preferably tonight and the rest of the weekend.

We'll check out on Sunday, Sunday afternoon, Sunday morning, yeah.

Do you have a military IED, Bruce?

Yes.

Yeah, I'm not in there anymore.

I had a different type of discharge.

charge and um he had an ied blow up next to his leg when he was on patrol in iraq yes okay so he's

got one okay it's uh um you get a military discount as long as you have military id he's

oh i do i do okay so and then it's for three nights yeah three nights with you oh yes are

Are you there, ma'am?

Yes.

Hold on one second.

Okay.

It's going to be three nights, yes.

I appreciate you being so sensitive.

What is your name, sweetheart?

It's Nicole.

Nicole.

Listen, the beautiful thing.

Hi, Nicole.

Hello.

You see, with Bruce, he had a, you know what one of those IEDs are?

Uh, no.

It's one of those, like.

I've never had an IUD.

IED.

It went off.

Oh, the I, oh, what blew up, yes.

He was stationed in Fort, like the Warrior Base in Kirkuk, the northern part,

and it went off on his convoy on the left side.

So he's got one of those big springy legs now, and he just finished therapy,

and they fixed his ulnar nerve.

Mm-hmm.

So now we're going to, we're pretending that.

Now I'm no longer numb down there.

Yeah, so we're pretending, but he's actually going to be using the springy thing,

like we're thinking of places to put it.

The spring noise, it's got, like, the spring noise to it, and it's really cool because if you hold it back, the leg,

and then you let it go, it's got, like, perpetual motion, and it keeps going, like, faster and faster.

It goes really fast.

That's like a huge springy dildo.

So right per day is $54.99 plus tax.

Okay.

Oh, baby, you can do better than that.

I'm a veteran.

I think I'm going to grease up the big leg spring and just ride it.

But, like, I think that would be a good idea.

You're going to write it like there's no tomorrow.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

So would you like to make a reservation?

I would like for you, ma'am, to stop making judgments on myself and my husband here, husband-to-be.

Are you judging me, ma'am, Nicole?

No.

Are you making fun of us?

Are you making an insinuation that we are disgusting people?

Are you making an insinuation here?

No.

It sounds to me you're making insinuations, and you're going to hold yourself liable and open to further civil action.

That's right.

Would you like to make a reservation?

I think maybe you should comp us for this reservation tonight.

I can't do that.

Why?

Who's your manager?

Do you know who I am, ma'am?

Hi, this is AJ.

This is Governor Tom Ridge.

Do you hear me, sir?

Oh, yeah.

I am Governor Tom Ridge.

You're working late today, Governor.

Well, I'm not working.

Okay, me and this good veteran with the springy leg are trying to get some spaces.

And the woman over there said that she didn't agree with two men getting one room with one bed.

But that's all that we can afford here because he needs to pay for it because of the Sunshine Law

that says that I'm not supposed to take gifts from anybody.

And I'm a veteran too, sir.

The veteran discount.

And she made bad noises with her mouth, bad, nasty noises with her mouth

when she found out that we were wanting to share the same bed.

But I told her that I'm going to be under the sheets the whole time,

and he's going to be on top of the sheets on the other side the whole time.

Nothing, no hanky-panky, anything, nothing like that.

What did she do?

She made nasty noises like that.

So let me tell you, either we get calm through this room, or I'm going to tell all the people that I play golf with

and that I know that you people are anti-military, anti-American people.

And what are you calling from again?

I am calling from the office of Governor Tom Ridge.

All right, but what state?

The state of Pennsylvania.

Oh, you're quite away from home, too.

Oh, yeah, you thought I didn't know, right?

You thought I didn't know?

You thought I didn't know that I'm the governor of Pennsylvania.

Daniel, you're a smart little immigrant, aren't you, boy?

Yes, I am.

You know that Tom Ridge, what's Tom, I'll tell you what,

maybe if you don't answer this question right, maybe I'll call INS on your ass, all right?

Okay.

What other position did Governor Tom Ridge hold in the Bush administration?

Go.

What a matter to me, I'm from California.

Ah, you see, you know what, if you can't answer that question, maybe you're not American.

Well, I'm from California, so it doesn't matter to me.

Let me ask, hey, Gonzalez, let me ask you a question, Gonzalez.

If I were to have INS come in there and bust your fucking ass,

how many of your employees do you think would leave, Gonzalez?

Well, I got news for you over there.

I'm an American citizen.

Yeah, but how many of your employees that are cleaning, that are cooking,

that are repairing and maintaining,

how many do you think I'm going to have to toe your ass for?

The one I'm looking at is pretty much white.

Nicole, are you white?

She said she's white.

Who's cleaning?

Let me ask you, who's parking the cars over there?

Are they white people?

The one cleaning the room is Kathy White.

Kathy White?

You have a female valet?

She's pretty much white.

Who's the valet over there, buddy?

What's the race?

We don't have one.

The fuck you mean you don't have a valet?

No, she's the only parking, man.

Now, I gotta go home.

No, now, you gotta have more than one person cleaning the room, not just a Kathy White.

Look, Hermano, Hermano, Hermano, listen.

Listen, I'm going to come down to your level here.

I'm down here.

Okay.

I'm taking my hand, I'm laying it flat, and I'm going down to my knee.

And I say, I'm bringing it down to your level down here.

You got the visual?

Do you understand that?

Hermano, listen, you need to fix this now or tomorrow when you wake up

and you turn on your television, television.

You know what television is?

Do you have that?

The television.

Okay, this is what I'll do.

I'll call the sheriff's department right now.

Oh, I'm a vagina.

I'm going to call the sheriff.

Hold on, okay?

I'm a panocha.

Oh, I'm holding.

Let me hold.

Oh, man.

Oh, dude, that was fun.

All right.

All right, let's call someone else here.

Who else have we got here?

All right, so you've got the list.

You've got the numbers I've got.

Who should we call next?

The current governor of Pennsylvania is a cool dude.

I saw him talking.

He's a Democrat, I thought.

Yeah, he's a cool dude.

Yeah, Ed Rendell, that's right.

I saw him on CNN a few times.

And Athena, her family is from Pennsylvania, and they tell me good things about him.

So they say he's made a lot of changes up there.

Is he almost as good as that governor from Alaska?

I didn't know Alaska had a governor.

Yes, Hollywood, go ahead.

I said, why don't we call Players Gentleman Club?

You can be my pimp, and I can be like a 300-pound hooker.

All right, Players Gentleman.

I'm trying to get her to strip there.

All right.

Because I'm just not cutting it on the street.

All right, so here we go.

This is going to be the Players Gentleman Club,

and this one is in Sun Valley, California.

A Latino guy answered there at 10.35 p.m.

That's almost an hour ago.

All right, let's do that right now, everybody.

The next prank call is coming up.

I got to make top dollar for you so I can get paid.

Okay.

All right.

Now, what team did you say you wanted to play for?

Yankees.

All right, the Yankees.

We got a couple of slots in the Yankees.

What do you want, shortstop or second base?

I don't play the inside.

I play the outfield.

Yeah, well, listen, asshole, you don't have many choices here.

I'm trying to make you millions of dollars.

You're talking about the fucking outfield.

You know, that used to be an old band in the 80s.

Nobody gave a fuck about the outfield.

You understand what I'm saying?

I understand.

Move yourself up there where the fucking cameras can get on you.

you nobody in the upfield that you get hit with bottles knives and all kinds of shit you get up

there you play the infield like a man you take a line drive to the cock like a fucking man do you

think i can make it like derrick cheetah derrick cheetah is a fucking punk what do you mean derrick

cheetah you want me to bump the fuck for you i would love that go ahead shoot when can i set up

an interview look are you serious hello hello hello hey buddy how you doing guy yes yes please

Please.

Yes, please, what?

No, it's okay.

You can do that.

It's okay.

Don't be scared.

All right?

Hey.

What the fuck was that about?

I don't know.

To place a call, press 1 to listen.

You want to try Morpho's?

I think that bar is a gay.

Yeah, okay.

Let's call Morpho's Pizza and Pasta.

There's a serious queer music playing in the background.

All right.

It's a gay bar.

775 is the area code.

Where's that in?

Incline Village, Nevada.

All right.

Cool deal.

Let's do it.

Well, first of all, did you ever play ball?

I played high school and college.

You played college ball?

Yeah.

What college?

30 minutes.

Whoa, 30 minutes off the show.

That's the years I was there.

Oh, okay.

Well, you know, you sound like a little Froot Loop to me.

That's what you sound like.

How much do you weigh?

190.

How tall are you?

Six foot.

Six foot, 190.

That's a little scorny, don't you think?

My arms are pretty big.

Yeah, your arms are big.

What the fuck is your arms?

My cock is big.

What's that going to do for me?

Is there something wrong with you?

No, there's nothing wrong with me.

All right, let's see.

I'm going to try to think where I can fit you.

You wouldn't mind being a bad boy for a couple of weeks, right?

Bad boy?

For a few weeks.

Where?

At the fucking Yankees.

No, I don't want to be a bad boy.

Well, that's how we move them up.

We get them on the field there, you know, we break them in slow,

and then we move them right into the dugout.

That sounds like a plan.

I mean, you were good at me, so...

Well, listen, mopods, I'm sorry we're closed.

Oh, no.

No, is there no way for me to place an order just for me to pick up real quick?

Oh, the ovens are off.

Well, I can turn them back on.

I'll be happy to make it.

I'm sorry.

No, sir, I just got through stripping, and I need to come there and see.

I'm really, really hungry, and I'm just down the street from you.

Please, I'm just asking this once.

Sir, I'm really shaking right now.

I haven't had anything to eat all day, and you're the closest cook to me.

I'll ask the cook just a minute.

Oh, thank you.

What size pizza is it?

Oh, any size right now, sir.

I sure would.

Oh, you're such a wonderful, beautiful man.

Oh, no, but can I just tell them that you wouldn't take no for an answer.

Now he wants to.

I'm sorry, the cook said no, the ovens are off.

Well, tell the cooks, and I will give everybody there any kind of sexual favor they want.

So just turn them back on.

I'm serious.

I'm very serious.

I'm shaking. I'm about two minutes away from you right now.

I'm sorry.

No, you don't have to be sorry. I'll do anything you want. How do you like it?

Oh, Nana. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Our ovens are off.

No, no. It doesn't take that long to turn them back on.

I'm sorry. What's your name?

My name is Summer.

We'll be open tomorrow night.

Well, tomorrow's not going to help me, though. I'm probably going to pass out.

I'm sorry. Our ovens are off.

Anything that you want.

What's your favorite position?

Wait, I'll have you talk to this lady here might be interested.

Okay, okay.

Can I help you?

Hello, ma'am.

Yes.

Hi, my name is Summer.

What's your name?

This is Shannon.

Hi, Shannon.

I'm about two minutes away from you guys right now,

and I've been stripping all day.

I'll tell the other gentleman I've been stripping all day,

and I haven't had a chance to eat at all.

And I'm shaking right now.

And do you have any scraps?

You know what?

The oven, we cleaned everything up.

I mean, like, all the food is put away.

The ovens are off.

What's that?

Do you have any extra food anywhere?

No, there's not.

But you know what?

We're right next door to Rayleigh's.

And there's a China place.

And Crosby's is right down there.

You can get a couple tacos.

Well, I can't eat Mexican food, though.

No, they have other stuff.

Chef, it's an all-American bar.

They have everything, burgers.

I would much rather have your pizza is the best.

Oh, I really wish I could help you.

If I could, I would.

Can I just get some cheese from you then or just some meat?

I promise.

I was telling you that.

You know what?

There's Raley's right down the road.

You can grab some cheese there.

Oh, shit.

The Raley's are all terrorists.

Yeah.

Okay, well, I'm sorry.

I hope you have a nice evening.

Well, I will.

I'm going to pass out.

What are you going to do to help me?

If I pass out and I kill somebody, it's my fault.

You're going to kill someone in the car

That guy was kind of thinking

I was like

Maybe I could

You should have ended up

Asking a guy to take you to the Chinese place

Take me to the Chinese place

Next door

Tell him you had a bad night stripping

We should call him back and say that

Get the guy back

I had a bad night stripping

If you get me stuff

Stuff from the Chinese place next door, I'll do something or whatever, or some tacos.

That would be funny.

We'll see.

Let me call this Cuban place again.

I wonder if they're still open.

Call back and get the number for the Chinese place.

I'll try to get the number for the Chinese place, Milkman says.

That would be funny.

Someone try to get it.

I don't know.

Once a loser, it might be good.

We'll call back and ask them.

Yeah.

We'll call back and see if she'll give it, yeah.

All right.

I'll see if we get the guy back and ask him the sexual question that I'm so excited about.

Okay, let's do that.

More Silverman, baby.

All right.

You know, you just brought up Derek Lewis.

Hey, guys, seriously, though, 24 minutes.

Colossomy bag.

There's 24 minutes left to show.

I just took an Ambien, so forget it.

It's out.

24 minutes and the show is going to be,

Ryan's going to terminate the call,

you know what I'm saying?

All right, hang on.

Who the fuck do you think put him on the Yankees?

I have no idea.

Silverman, baby.

Me.

Yeah?

Okay.

Now, there's another way we can go another route, too.

I'll get you an even quicker.

How?

I start you at the end of the week

that you're selling peanuts up in the crowd.

Sell peanuts?

No, you don't have to sell them.

I'm just telling you a faster route.

I'll get you up there selling the fucking peanuts.

Next thing you know, I got you on the field with the fucking bats.

Next thing, I'll get you in the dugout sitting with the guys.

And when I'm sitting with the guys, I get a shot?

You want a shot?

I want a shot.

Well, I'm telling you, I'm going to get you a shot.

Now, let's talk salary.

How much do you want?

Like, hopefully like 50 grand.

What the fuck is with 50 grand, you asshole?

I got to make money here.

We're talking millions of dollars.

You're talking 50 grand.

You go in there with that figure, they'll laugh me out of the fucking bathhouse.

I'm going to go in there.

I'm going to shoot them a figure for 2 million for you for the first year.

Hi, I called just a minute ago.

I'm sorry?

I called just a minute ago.

Can you give me the address for the Chinese restaurant?

The what?

The Chinese restaurant.

I wouldn't know.

Is this the Cuban Bistro?

Yes, it is.

I was talking to Gonzales there earlier, and he hung up on me, and then Eric hung up on me, and then Hector hung up on me.

There's no Hector or Gonzales. We have an Eric.

You know, you Puerto Ricans don't know how to...

Excuse me?

You Puerto Ricans, sir.

Well, I'm not Puerto Rican, and we're not a Puerto Rican restaurant.

Dude, it's the Cuban Bistro.

You're a bunch of Puerto Ricans over there.

Can I speak...

I have business with that Eric Feller.

If you could put that Eric...

He's actually unavailable right now.

Where's Rodriguez at?

Last name.

Exactly.

Where's Rodriguez at?

Go put Roddy on.

Tell him.

You tell him, you tell him that it's Jack Valencia on the line and he needs to take this call.

Do you know, hey, you want me to tell you the truth?

You know he hasn't paid the rent there in two months?

That you guys haven't paid the rent there in two months?

Did you know that?

I know that.

You know why?

Because I own the fucking building, that's why.

Go put Eric on the line.

It's a moment.

All right, thank you.

God, you fucking mug belt.

I thought you were calling the other one back.

My bad.

You're down there on number.

Hey, Gonzalez, what the hell is that noise?

It's me.

What the fuck are you doing?

All right, let's try to call him back.

They always pick Ren up when I call him back.

I was literally thinking,

what are you talking about?

I told him I haven't paid the rent in three months.

He was like, oh.

He was laughing, too, though.

He was at first.

He got serious when I told him about that rent.

I think he believes it.

He's like, yo, that motherfucker didn't pay the fucking rent.

I'm not waiting longer.

Motherfucker.

I'm putting new locks on tonight.

Probably going to kick his ass and confront him and half the staff is going to quit

when they find out they think they're going to close any day.

Tell them you better quit running drugs out of this place too.

It happened to Dude Andy used to do the show here.

He came home once from work early.

I'm like, Dude Andy, what happened?

He's like, yeah, we came in early and somebody found a letter

and it said that we were being evicted.

So we all got together.

We called the owner and he said, yeah, tonight's the last night.

Don't do anything.

And he was out of town.

He was in Clearwater and we were in Orlando.

they stole all the cheese from the pizza place they stole all the beer they were eating like

cheese and drinking all the beer and they just closed the doors like fuck this shit they made

this shit out of place oh man that was funny i remember andy called me hey you should come over

man we were drinking and eating cheese and watching football okay it was like a saturday

afternoon oh man they cleaned that fucking place out they were so pissed off i'm surprised they

didn't break any shit in there they just took cheese i remember it was like they took cheese

all right anyway so that was that story i remember that that was funny okay um so who's next uh we're

gonna call back uh the um where do we call where they got upset it does mofos was it mofos yeah it

was mofos that's right yeah let's hurry up before they close for real let's do that okay all right

you have to piece the place okay okay and uh i get 20 of that so when could this start all right

All right, look, what you got to do, you got to prepare yourself a little baseball suit.

The costume.

Okay.

You get yourself a nice little costume, slip it on you, and get on that subway or something,

come over to my place.

Where's your place?

It's over downtown Manhattan.

I want to see you in the costume.

Okay.

When I see you in the costume, I see you doing some moves, some swinging around there, you

know, you know how you dust off your fucking slacks after you slide home, you know?

You dust yourself off in front of me, shit like that.

I got to see how you're going to look on camera.

All right?

That sounds great.

All right, if you look good to me, I got your number here.

I'll call you fucking back in a couple of weeks.

I got you in the fucking dugout.

Wow, that sounds awesome.

All right.

When can I come to your house?

You can come to my house when I fucking call you when I'm ready.

Oh, are you going to call me?

I call you when I'm fucking ready for you.

Okay.

I got a few people coming down this week.

Look, okay, look, I got to get off the fucking phone.

Well, folks, I'm sorry we're closed.

That's okay.

I called you just a minute ago.

Um, can you give...

Hello?

Yeah, can you give me the telephone number for that Chinese restaurant?

Um...

Like I told you, I'm really hungry.

Look, look, my hand is...

Can you see that? Can you see my hand shaking?

Look how bad it's shaking.

Yeah, I don't have their phone number right here.

Can you get it? Can you run over there and get it for me, then?

They're probably closed as well, but...

I got a lot of dollar bills from tonight, so I can pay you cash.

I'll go left just a minute.

Okay, thanks.

I'm trying to get him to pay for it.

Fucking tied? Are you kidding me? The game's tied?

Bullshit.

Let me get the satellite center.

Milkman, fire up the satellite center, please, if you could.

No, I'm mine.

All right.

Thank you.

I think he's really getting it.

Gee, man, wake up Athena.

Maybe.

I'll listen to that song.

Go auntie, uncle Dan.

Yeah, they're open for 15 minutes and their phone number is 831.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Can you do me a favor?

Will you run over there and get me something real quick?

I'll be right there and I will pay you.

I'll pay you double whatever it costs.

Get the number.

Why don't you just pick it up there?

Because I turned around and I was starting to head back home.

I don't think I can make it there in 15 minutes.

But if you want over there and grab it for me, and like I said, I will pay you as soon as I get there.

No, I don't want to do that.

If you want to buy it from them, they'll be there for a while.

They'll be longer than that.

I'm ready to go home.

The chairs are on the tables.

I'm ready to get out of here.

I will do anything for you.

What do you want me to do to you?

No, I'm going to pass.

I'm sorry.

No, you don't have to pass.

I will do anything.

The phone number is 831-9090 if you want to order their food.

I can't remember that.

eight eight eight three one nine zero nine zero nine four nine four okay eight three one nine

four nine four nine zero nine zero not 90 90 841 90 40 90 90 90 90 90 right okay 890 90 okay

i think i can remember that and what the fuck what the fuck channel is the game on is it on abc

NBC

Is it on Home Shopping Network?

Where is it?

I'm trying to find this stupid fucking game

It's on QVC

QVC

It's on QVC

It's on MTV

Alright,

All right, let's call Gonzales again.

I'm going to mess up with Gonzales.

It's on MTV6.

Hey, did you write that number down?

ESPN, D.O. Joe.

Information number, starting with the area code, followed by the pound sign.

You're showing a guy that's going to destroy it.

Yeah, I know what I'm doing. I'm going to get you one of the fucking Yankees.

That's going to show you how I know what I'm doing, all right, you little prick?

Don't come up with the math for you.

How else do you get a call?

What's that?

When will I get a receiver call?

I'll show you I'll fucking call you when I'm ready.

When you get your fucking ass ready to play ball, son.

I'm always ready.

Yeah, you get ready.

And I remember they said he got fucking...

Call me, it'll be true.

Yeah, I see. May I speak with Eric Rodriguez, please?

May I have a phone?

This is Jack Valente.

Someone hung up on me again there, Rodriguez.

I love that music.

That music is awesome.

Oh, God.

Seriously, what channel is the fucking...

Gonzales, how you doing?

This is Rodriguez.

Yep.

I get confused between Gonzales, Rodriguez.

I think they're both the same name sometimes.

It's silly, it's silly.

Look, man, I want to apologize.

I know I got upset.

I think maybe we could work this out.

If you comp me one of the meals and give me an open bar for an hour,

I think I can let this all slide and I'm not going to report you

because of the bad things that you said to me on the phone, sir.

Do you know who I am?

Why don't you try bugging somebody else?

Do you know who I am, sir?

Nobody cares who you are, sir.

Hermano.

Listen, Hermano.

Listen, man.

I know your name is Eric Rodriguez.

You know how I found out, sir?

How, sir?

Because I did a check.

Because I'm Governor Tom Ridge.

and I did a check

I did a check

on you guys

and I found out

that you have

at least two people

there who don't

have papers

so

why don't you try

calling the corporate office

no

it becomes

the person responsible

is you

and ignorance

of the law

is no excuse sir

as we like to say

in this country

so

you have a good night sir

you have an Argentinian

kind of

I'm trying to get

a rile out of him

but

he's a little too polite

a place like that

To place a call, press 1.

We have some signals.

Well, I do apologize, sir.

I'll take care of that right away there, Mr. Guy.

TBS.

TBS?

There's still a TBS?

I thought that was gone.

No.

I don't really watch that much TV like I used to.

When I was a kid, I used to eat the shit out of some TBS, man.

It had Captain Planet.

Oh, yeah.

He was a hero.

Yeah.

He was going to burn pollution down to zero.

Robot Chicken made fun of it.

Yeah, did they really?

I've only seen a few episodes of that show.

What channel?

What number is TBS, everybody?

Someone find out.

123.

I don't have 123 on here.

Oh, there we go.

There we go.

8-13.

It says TB versus Boss.

Wow, it's the ninth inning, and there's zero outs.

There's one ball and one strike, and it's tied 7-7 with the runner on first.

You guys got one ball on him?

And who's got the ball?

Who's on field right now?

Who's on first?

The Rays are on field right there.

All right, well, wow, that's beautiful, man.

Milkman, monitor that in the satellite center if you could, please.

Who's on first? What's on second?

Second.

We'll give you breaking news here.

Breaking news, you hear it here first, Madhouse Radio News.

All right, so let's continue on here, if you don't mind, everybody.

We're going to do the next call here.

Who's next on deck here, Hollywood?

Who do you think is ready to be in?

Humpy's Great Alaskan Ale House.

He's on first, Watson's second.

Humpy's.

Well, we could do Uncle Tom's Cabin.

Uncle Tom, cracker.

What's up, cracker?

All right, so, okay.

We've got Humpy's.

Call that Chinese place.

813-9090.

We're going to have the number.

Great Alaskan Ale House.

Okay, yeah, the Great Alaskan Ale House, Humpy's, that is.

This is in Anchorage, Alaska, home of the Anchors, the Anchorage Anchors.

A ball has gone up in the air and it's been caught by someone's big hand.

That is breaking news here from the Madhouse Radio News Center.

All right, good.

Let's go ahead and continue on with that.

We're going to call Humpy's Great Alaskan Alehouse.

Stand by, everybody.

Thank you.

Big what's up to Ted, the biggest force.

I see he's messaging me online.

And also, what's up to Baz in the house checking in.

Humpy's Alehouse, can I help you?

Yes, you can.

Hey.

How's it going, my friend?

Good.

Hey.

Tonight, last call time will be quarter to two.

Okay.

Quarter to two.

What is your most famous drink you have that you serve there?

Oh, man, we have about 50 or so beers on tap.

Great.

What's your favorite beer?

Yeah, we're Dale House, man.

Do you have food there also?

What's that?

Do you have food also?

I'm a first-time in Alaska, so I'm just trying to...

Oh, definitely.

Come on in, man.

Definitely.

It's a good time.

What's your name?

Jared.

Jared?

You're the same Jared from Subway commercials?

Yeah, I know.

Oh, okay.

So let me ask you, Jared.

What's your preference, my friend?

What's that?

What's your preference?

You know.

You know what I'm saying.

What's your preference?

I don't know.

I got to go, man.

Jared.

Jared, hey, tell me.

What?

Jared, what is your preference?

What do you need, man?

I need to know.

Do you like to, you know, huh, huh, huh?

This guy's ass is this.

There you go.

To place a call, press 1.

To listen to your recorded call, press 2.

Call now. Please enter your destination number, starting with the area code, followed by the pound sign.

Press 1 to change your number.

Hey, I'm calling the Chinese place, and the number spoofed like mofos.

Tell them to look for your mofos.

Yeah, man, this is a mofos.

Okay.

You guys been getting some weird calls every night?

No.

You haven't?

You said this is a mofos?

Yeah, this is MoFo's Pizza and Pasta.

No, I'm pretty sure it's not MoFo's Pizza and Pasta because right now John, the owner of MoFo's, came over here.

Right.

So...

Oh, this is Chris over here.

We just, last couple of minutes, we've been getting some weird calls.

Yeah.

Can I talk to John?

Huh?

Can I talk to John, please?

No, John's not here.

Oh, I thought you said he was there.

No, he said he was not here.

He must have just left then.

Did he just leave?

He's been gone for a while.

Oh, he hasn't gone for a while.

He left here about a half hour ago, so...

Okay, well, who is this?

This is Tracy.

Tracy?

All right, Tracy.

I'm going to be heading over there in just a minute.

Can you do me a favor?

Depends.

No, I don't wear the pins.

I just need, how much later are you guys going to be open?

We're probably just going to, actually, I think we're going to close on that night.

You're closing right now?

Yeah, I got mine.

All right.

We put everything up over here, and we have absolutely nothing out, and I forgot to eat today.

I was wondering if I could come over there and eat you.

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be playing up with this

because right now he told me that he's been getting calls, so I'm sorry.

Okay, well, you know what?

I figure if we're going to get calls, I might as well call some people too.

So, Erica, come on, baby.

What do you want to do?

You still there?

Dude, man, I think they've never hung up the phone.

Going twice.

To place a call, press 1.

To listen to your recording.

Hey, man, what are you doing in the background?

It sounds like Reckless is doing lines.

Yeah, I'm doing lines.

You can't see that. That's why I'm off cam now.

The last time Rick was on the show, in between the calls, you could hear him doing big-ass lines.

He was snoring. I was like, oh my God.

I kept them in the show. I didn't edit them out from the archive.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I kept them in there. It sounded funny. I was like, oh my God, Rick was totally just like...

I was like, oh my God.

Hear that? Hear that? Sniff, buddy.

Yeah, it is.

Sniff and a push.

Is that what you're playing, or are you playing something else?

What is that?

No, I've got cards in my hand.

Oh, you've got cards.

It sounds like someone's in the background doing lines.

You saw me earlier.

I was doing some card tricks.

What did you just fart?

Watch, watch.

It picked a card.

I need someone to stop.

Fart noises.

Is that all right?

I haven't heard it go yet.

Is that a card?

Sure, yeah.

It stops, yeah.

All right.

Now look at your card.

All right.

You see it?

Yeah.

Now watch this.

I'm going to put it back in the middle of the deck.

All right?

Okay.

All right.

Now watch this.

Was your card the three of spades?

Yeah, it was.

All right.

see

what was your card

we should call someone

and say they have a

tell them to envision

the card

envision whatever card

you think we did

I can do that

yeah

that'd be funny

let's see

I'll break them down

to like

is it red or black

all those

dramatic shows

that guy levitates

and stuff

alright

who do you think

would fall for that

I don't know

let's see

who else do we got

if we had a winner

Brian

Uncle Tom's cabin

maybe

Uncle Tom's cabin

Uncle Tom's got an ace of spades down there in Florida.

All right, Milkman.

There were Bobby Mays.

How's this game tied now?

I bet they had it in the bag.

You froze up on syndicate.

Oh, I heard a notification that that was going to happen.

Yeah.

Log out at 11.59.

Yeah, they do that at 8 o'clock, too, now.

Yeah.

Fucking gay.

It's a gay.

Hang on, folks.

Let me fix syndicate room here real quick.

I'm reloading that now.

Now, ladies, pretty soon you will see your man, your boy Carlito will be back on the camera machine.

And I think I am now.

All right, good.

Good for you guys.

Now you can see me.

I think your ambience is kicking in.

Yeah, I think so, too.

I think that ambience is starting to kick in.

Is it 12 yet?

7.59.

It sounds like Quentin, time to me, Hollywood.

Thank you for calling in, sir.

All right, cool deal.

Let's do the stupid car trick real quick.

I want to see someone fall.

Let's call Uncle Tom's.

Uncle Tom's cabin, everybody.

Stupid car trick.

Baz, what's a good song from that ACDC album to play?

Which one should I play?

What would you recommend?

War Machine.

I've heard none of them yet.

I have it downloaded for about four days,

so this is a first for me, so we'll see how it is.

This version is all cut up.

I don't think it completed.

Hey, Eric goes on top.

That's good.

Doesn't seem like it's going to work, unfortunately, here.

Either download it all corrupted or it didn't finish,

and I didn't notice.

whoops whoops well that was kind of freaky huh all right cool yeah I know yeah I was weird okay

everybody we're gonna play Led Zeppelin said ramble on here and we're gonna call it a night

last prank of the night enjoy it folks we'll see where this goes car tricks stupid car tricks

with Hollywood for joiner Tom tell him I helped you hey now how you doing tonight all right

yourself hey i'm doing wonderful this is hollywood ivania live on the air on uh the mouth will you

come on the air with us we're gonna we want to do something special real quick 98.6 yes sir 98.6

the mouse no i'm cool man okay here's just listen it's real easy all you have to do is is i've got a

set of cards in my hand i want i'm gonna i'm gonna start standing through and i want you to say stop

Stop.

You hear that?

Stop.

Right there?

Okay.

Yeah.

Now, what I want you to do is I want you to envision a card in your head.

You got it.

Okay.

Now, I'm going to attempt to pull that card out of your head, all right?

All right.

Here we go.

Now, first thing I need to do, I need to make sure ... I can see ... Are you thinking of

a red card?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

It's a red card, right?

So that kind of narrows it down, doesn't it?

It's either going to be a heart or a diamond, right?

Yes, sir.

Okay, let me think.

You're thinking, you're actually thinking, you're thinking of a heart, a heart card.

Is that correct?

No, sir.

Okay, I knew it was going to be a diamond.

All right.

So let me ask you this real quick.

Is it a face card or a number card?

It's a number card.

All right, so I think I got it.

Are you ready?

I'm ready.

This is the Ace of Spades.

Ace of Spades.

It's an ace black card.

That's what you're thinking of.

No.

Yes, it was.

Don't renege on this contract, sir.

What's your name?

I said it was red.

The ace of spades is black.

Your name is Red?

Cat.

Your name is Cat.

Well, that's the same number.

Red and Cat, same number.

Okay, so see, that's my trick.

I told you, you thought you were thinking of a red card.

You were actually, I knew you were thinking of a black card,

because, sir, I do know you go black, and you've never gone back, haven't you?

I guess you could say that.

All right, see?

See, see, I am the world's most famous amateur or immature magician, mentalist, illusionist.

I am calling from the mouth radio station.

You are live on the air right now.

We are located here in the radio station, sir.

We are actually in Fresno.

Oh, in Fresno.

Okay.

Right.

So if you will turn on to A9.6, turn on to A9.6 the mouth right now and you will hear yourself.

go. Thank you. I'm glad I can help you, my brother, but I got to get back to work. All

right, Cat, well, you have a wonderful evening, and stop playing with yourself at night, all

right? Later. All right, be groovy. All right, cool. That was fun with soundboards, apparently.

Awesome. That was kind of fun. Look, man, stop playing that, please. Thank you. That's

Dr. Lego, actually. That's Dr. Lego's gross teeth. To place a call, press 1. To listen

Listen to your recorded call.

All right, Hollywood, it's time for me to call a night.

Thanks for calling in, man.

It was fun.

Hey, have a great evening, everyone.

All right.

You too, sir.

Catch you next week.

Hey, everybody.

That was Hollywood and Vanya.

Excellent song, man.

Very good.

Hello for dying to a sprint.

That's right.

And it's time for us to end the show, unfortunately.

Thank you, everyone, for listening tonight.

This has been Madhouse Radio.

Headquartered at madhouselive.com.

dot com

and also of course broadcast on our

flagship station syndicate radio dot tv

I want to thank everyone who tuned in tonight

a lot of old time listeners a lot of new listeners

out there tonight

I hope you enjoyed yourselves

go ahead and run down that list please as quickly as you can

come back hopefully we'll be more energetic

actually this has been a killer ass night

I had a good time

I do I want to thank all our friends

out there for joining us

all our wonderful friends over there at

thanks a lot so much don't forget to check out zola's party nature that's right all you lovers

are fun over there thanks a lot for joining us also all our friends over at 98.6

and the rest of you crazy guys out there sir new new you're wanking off all right next spot guys

especially you mr pitt like to thank you for providing us with this wonderful chat that we

We have here in this circle, so that we can broadcast around the world to you guys right here in Montana,

but could we do it without our number 10, and the Lonesome Loser.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, and all hail and raise your fist high to the Lonesome Loser, because we do love our man.

He is our secret weapon.

Also, Mr. Kokanee in our news department, thanks a lot for the wonderful service you provide.

us i do find your services very entertaining also please raise your hand high and all hail

our fearless leader the generalissimo of the madhouse of the other malaysia that's right

you too can now join the forces of fun in the madhouse send in your interview your interview

and we will interview you we'll take a look at your resume and we will get you involved

you too can be a star

in the madhouse and get your weekly

golden star

that's great

thanks

thank you so much

everybody say thank you

big brother

thanks a lot man good job

thanks to everybody of course Hollywood

and Lonesome Loser for kicking in

with the help tonight thank you

everyone be sure to visit

tucker mike dot com

Tucker, Tucker, that's T-U-C-K-E-R.

Follow the link to the new blog.

And there's a new blog machine on there.

Be sure to check that out.

Like fucker, like die.

Like God damn it.

Damn it, God damn it.

That's all I've got to say.

All right, everybody, have a good night.

Thank you very much for checking out the show.

And we'll catch you next week, man.

How's all that?

All right, good.

Yay.

Ryan sent me the phone.

Pencil's ready.

Number two.

Okay.

Fuck you, sick motherfucker.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you, fuck you, fucking penis, yes!

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Calls (17, 46 min of 1 h 50 min)

Transcript

Comments 0