2008-10-23 Show

You're about as useful as a lemon slice in a Dutch oven.

Put me a man on the phone, please.

Okay, just one minute.

You are listening to the House Radio Podcast.

Hey everybody, it is Thursday night again.

It is 10 or 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

We do things like this here usually every week.

This is Madhouse Radio.

Madhouselive.com is the website.

We're also, of course, on SynecdocheRadio.tv.

I hope you're having a wonderful, unofficial start to your weekend, Thursday night as I like to call it.

Prepare to slack on Friday.

I'm having a wonderful, wonderful week.

It seems like it's been going by at rocket speed.

Milkman isn't here with us right now.

He has reported he will be checking in with us as soon as possible, perhaps in the second segment of the show.

However, I do have Tuck here.

Tuck is checking in via satellite link-up.

What's up, Tuck, man?

How you doing?

How you doing, everybody?

God, hello, Madhouse Radio and all other affiliates in Madhouse right here.

Awesome, great.

That's Tuck from tuckermike.com.

Be sure to check that out.

Of course, also, we also have a new guest here, of course, Evil Artie is in the house.

What's up, Evil Artie?

What's up, Carlito?

Good to have you.

Oh, what's up, man?

So you see Evil Artie is checking in here since he's here, you know, near Madhouse Studios.

We decided to bring him in.

You actually gave him the address.

I know.

He went through a lengthy screening process, retinal scans, a few blood tests.

It's all safe.

He's in a containment zone over here next to me in a containment field that I had Jordy LaForge construct for me.

Did you get the line you hit cross?

Yeah, I took a line.

Did you get cross in that video?

Yeah, trust me, there's links to the M-Line here.

I know how to handle him.

If you guys want to reach us here tonight, you can.

The toll-free line will be open later tonight.

That's going to be 1-888-278-8509.

Again, that's 1-888-278-8509.

That's where you can give us a call.

Toll-free tonight, not yet.

Not yet.

Behave yourself, please, and do not call yet.

If you want to reach me on AOL Instant Messenger or Yahoo Instant Messenger, for that matter,

you can message the screen name of the messenger, which is Madhouse Radio.

That is Madhouse Radio.

Radio, again, is my screen name if you're using AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger on the Messenger machine.

If you're using MSN Messenger, that would be madhouseatlive.com.

Arties or any way to get a hold of you?

Not really.

But you're not interested in speaking to people directly or listening to the show?

Yeah, you can call my cell phone at 555-5555.

All right, we got that there.

You should work on getting us some kind of messaging thing here for people to communicate with.

Go get AIM

Or you've got Trillion

Go find AIM

Somewhere in Yahoo or something

I'm sure you're

You know what

Go to Mebo.com

Just do that

You ever been there before

You can talk in the mic

We gotta work this out already

Because he doesn't have his own stand

He already broke a microphone stand

Here tonight

He's eaten three packages of Skittles

what kind of skittles are those already tropical skittles is that your favorite kind of skittle

yeah you don't like the original y'all original because i like the bananas you ever notice that

with skittles you get like that salivation you can hop like really wicked with them yeah it is

great i love i love skittles man i wish i could have them um i had the misfortune once of having

very low blood sugar when i was at school once i was standing in line to set up my tuition this

and that or whatever and my sugar's going low because i was on a diet that day and then gone

i was my third day this really intense diet and i actually did lose a little bit of weight but i

think i might have gained a back plan anyway regardless um the lady gave me skittles i was

she's like what's wrong with you you're like in a cold sweat it's like hey my sugar's falling and i

think my sugar's below she's like oh oh hang on and she reached in her desk and she gave me like a

bag of original skittles i was like wow and i ate like a third of the bag and i stabilized my

my sugar but it was a great experience you know you don't understand if you're not diabetic like

i am you don't know what it's like to live without stuff that's simple like uh like sugar i used to

love peanut butter cups already and i can't have those anymore what would you miss the most if you

can eat any candy or sugar sir well it would probably be pasta from pizza hut okay that has

a lot of carbohydrates i still eat that stuff though which probably isn't good well i'm talking

about knockout sugar now you got to keep in mind another big thing you lose is soda i see you've

You're rocking the Dr. Pepper, right?

Show that on the camera.

And I've got the alternative here.

That's the Diet Dr. Pepper, you see.

And you should, you know what?

I would like to see you try here, you know, one night to try the Diet Dr. Pepper for a night.

I usually drink it.

Oh, you usually do drink the Diet Dr. Pepper?

Yeah, there's like ten of them on my desk right now at home.

Oh, okay.

Well, good.

It's just they didn't have the big ones in Diet.

Oh, so you wanted a big one.

You could have bought two of them, though.

And you had even more in the long run.

Look at me, I've got a big gulp.

This is 44 ounces they sell these in now.

Yeah, 44?

44's, man.

44 Magnum.

I cut out the syrupy sodas all together and just drink like lemon limes and Sprites and 7-Ups and stuff.

It's even better for you.

I was telling Artie before the show that at work I've cut out all sodas except for Sierra Mist.

um you know diet sierra mist or diet um that's right and it's probably a lot better on the

kidneys and stuff it's really good too right but my next step is to go just to water with

lemon or lime ice cold water with lemon and lime just do that all the time now working on it but

i still like my beer white tea yeah white tea good deal good deal so you made it in there

all right good deal already what's what's your screen name on a screen name on aol instant

the messenger is evil arty 89 okay that's aol that's all you got for now right no yahoo does

all right well you can add it right there that account i highly recommend to go and drink on

a daily basis at least one or two a day right for the uh like one morning break okay rather

grabbing a coke or a spider something get ice tea white ice tea with citrus okay those are green tea

tea with citrus right yeah there's i got a friend who's a really big tea um dork uh very into the

tea and the grind and it's got to be like this and you need to use a tea ball basket the best

way to do it oh no i don't like all that i'm like dude that's that's that's too much work i just

want to drink tea i'm gonna open up you know give me that can of lipton of the lip the brisk

anyway so um we give it all that stuff we're going to be doing some prime calls here

yeah i want to give a big shout out of course to lonesome loser who's checking in with uh prank

call confirmations here i wanted to give some bad news here for you madhouse fans we did have a very

good show over the weekend on saturday as a matter of fact a uh impromptu uh show already you weren't

around you didn't you didn't hear about you were sleeping i was sleeping because i stayed up all

night it was a good show unfortunately there was a problem with the archive of the show that i made

so i'm not going to be able to make an episode out of it so we were we were able to save however

the best part which are the prank calls we're able to save all the prank calls were intact

thanks to masterful work by mr hollywood vanya so uh what was going with the uh archive it's all

chopped up uh all of it it's it's uh it's on it's it would be it would be a slap in the face

to the podcast listeners to release it so what i will be doing tonight is playing the prank calls

from that night we are going to do live prank calls but i do want to play these so that they're

available out there for the podcast listeners to listen at least the prank call so we're gonna

we're gonna do live calls we're gonna play uh some of those calls from last week as well

all right so and for the time being lonesome losers check out the hour that i wasn't on

the first hour where you did it solo okay check that out the other day okay

right on all right we'll do that cool cool so we got a lot of numbers in already from

and lonesome loser here thank you lonesome uh we've got the double eagle resort and spa we got

a chili's in la i hear that that's los angeles already we also have uh that was louisiana no

hey arty arty you're from volusia county right like me you know i was raised in volusia county

you know daytona beach is like the capital of volusia county um you know where the starlight

diner is right there on the on the beach no yeah john mccain and uh and charlie chris were there

today oh those motherfuckers yeah they were there it's this little nasty diner right and the strip

on uh on uh on on a1a or whatever it is beachside boulevard over there in daytona beach i was

it's it's a really now i've been there before for like uh like weird kind of like karaoke things and

stuff like that what's that what are you doing you're touching what's that doing zolar is calling

oh well what's he calling the cell phone for there's a line where you call yeah yeah zolar

call the line uh we don't do that what's he trying to do like backroom deals here

he's telling me to hump you in the room yo yo yo stab carlito in the neck with one of those pants

yo that would be funny this is zola leave a message see that's his message right there

go play his message call it what it is it'll be funny if you went behind his strength with

carlito in the air i'm zola i'm weedy what's that we got an alarm oh no we got an overheating

alarm on the computer tuck you know the one i'm talking about tuck hang on yeah uh don't worry

about it fire fire ain't gonna hurt nothing it's doing again milkman says let it go it's gonna be

it's gonna be doing this can you hear it at all is it coming in the background fire fire will hurt

nothing is it audible at all smoking fire big deal i said we continue with the show

oh that sucks see i need a new pc here dude you need alienware dude alienware yeah gaming no that's

overpriced for what it is man there's no i don't know i don't know about spending more than a

thousand dollars on a pc just because it's you know for gaming i spent three grand on mine well

you could spend a lot less than it's got in a console machine if you want to play games well

no i use it for everything i even have a thing attached that pulls on my dick that's good the

The fake pussy.

Yeah.

The E-pussy.

Okay, good.

Guys, we need to make an executive decision.

Do we continue with the show or with the beeping in the background or do I reset things and reboot that computer?

Tuck, what is your idea?

You're going to have to power down and reset because you can't have that overheating and you can't have that alarm going.

You can't bring up your fucking motherboard either.

All right.

Artie's taking his shirt off, which makes no sense.

Artie, what do you suggest that we do?

We should keep going.

Okay, we keep going.

hot that's what he suggests here when the fire is all right you can't be doing that okay there

is women in this house yeah no we can't do that here that's that's not a madhouse thing when

you're at home you can uh rub all that oil on yourself and what have you done again you've

eaten bacon no you put raw bacon on your on your face right what else have you done what are you

famous for you ate a pubic hair sandwich he's eating a pubic hair sandwich of his own yeah

Yeah, maybe we should make him like the classic kind of like Hong Kong walk-a-walk-a

kind of show where he's the intern and we make him do stuff.

I'm going to make you start like pepper spray.

It looks like it.

Would you try that?

See, this is great.

What else would you be willing to do?

I'll smear poopy on my face.

Smear poopy on his face.

Okay.

Right on, man.

All right, we'll work on that.

Okay, so let's play.

This one here is called Chicken Spaces.

This is call number...

The whole show was like either about the whole show was the whole show was spaces or machine.

It was like the spaces show.

We kept calling the same neighborhood in the ghetto in Philly.

And this is some of the efforts here.

I think we figured out the next CD will be how much is your spaces?

How much are your spaces?

That's right.

OK, we'll be that.

You need to do some chicken machines calls.

Yeah, those chicken machines and chicken spaces.

So here's an idea where we're going to set up for the first prank call.

I'm going to see if I can do something about this beeping.

Let's smash it.

Yeah, that's going to make it perfect.

Yeah, let's smash it.

All right, give us a second here.

Let's play Chicken Spaces number one.

This is to United Chicken.

United.

This is the fried chicken place.

Reset that computer.

Good.

Do you guys do any meals, like large family-sized meals?

Sure.

We're going to have a basketball contest here for the urban youth.

Okay.

And we're thinking they probably would go for fried chicken.

Okay.

Okay, so what's...

How many pieces?

How many pieces, like what units do they come in, the spaces?

Give me one second, okay?

How many spaces do you have?

Yes, hi, how many spaces do you have, sir?

How many what?

How many are in the spaces?

What spaces?

The chicken spaces.

How many go in the chicken spaces, the biggest chicken spaces?

35 pieces.

35 spaces?

No, 35 pieces.

I don't know what you say with...

It's the spaces.

How many spaces chicken?

They eat your spaces chicken.

The chicken?

The spaces of chicken, sir.

Sir, how many are the spaces, in the spaces?

How many come in the spaces?

I don't understand your question, sir.

What is the biggest chicken spaces meal you have?

That's the 35 piece.

That's what I'm telling you.

We have a 35 piece.

But you're saying piece.

I'm saying spaces.

What English do you speak, sir?

I speak English, but I don't understand what you're trying to say.

Do you speak American or English?

Yeah, I speak English.

Okay, so how many spaces come in that thing you're saying?

How many is the spaces?

This is the way you like spaces, man.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm asking how many is the spaces?

How many is the spaces?

What do you mean how many is the spaces?

The chicken meal spaces.

There's spaces inside.

You know, you eat the spaces out of the spaces.

How many out of the spaces are coming in?

No, we don't do that kind of stuff, man.

I don't know what you're talking about.

There's no such thing as spaces in chicken.

We just stick them by the piece.

That's what I'm saying.

It's spaces.

No, we call them pieces, man.

We don't call them spaces.

How many chicken spaces come in the thing?

You tell me how many you want, and I'll tell you the price.

I don't know how many you want.

I said it first, and then you people take the phone to someone else,

and then all of a sudden, no, the same question again, and the same question again.

Okay, I'm the first person you spoke to.

Tell me how many pieces you want.

You're doing it for a basketball team, right?

How many people on the team and how many pieces of chicken you want, and I'll tell you.

You're a mean person.

You told me the number of spaces, and I said how many was the spaces,

and you never answered me again.

How about you shut the fuck up?

all right so that was uh chicken spaces number one we'll play the rap up here in a moment

um we are i'm going to do some prank calls and then we're going to actually restart the show

in an effort to contain the uh the nuclear meltdown apparently is happening here in the

background so if you ever see that movie china syndrome are you waiting and right what why don't

you do it now what no no because the people here uh uh talk the people here came god damn it to

to see the show

and we're going to

establish a base first.

It's going to take you

as much, what?

Ten minutes?

I don't know.

We're in the middle

of our movement.

We're going to call

La Casita Colombiana.

This is the Colombian house.

The small Colombian house

is what that means, Tuck.

Exactly.

So we're going to

give that a call here.

This is Madhouse Radio.

Just a moment.

Listen to it.

This is a prank from the

This is a prank, you know, the phone jacker.

We're going to play a phone jacker prank here in the meantime.

Just a moment.

Yeah.

Hello?

Good evening, madam.

I am calling from your bank.

I don't want anything from anybody.

What do you mean, sir?

Why are you such a miser?

I don't want anything from anybody.

I've got everything I want.

You've got everything you want?

Yeah.

What about eight pounds and 27 pence, sir?

I don't want eight pounds and 27 pence.

Why not?

Because I don't need it.

But you are a prize winner, sir.

But I want to be a prize winner.

How does it feel?

Standing by.

Oh, jeez.

You hear this thing?

It's horrible.

Is this the Casita Colombiano?

Yeah.

Hi.

I would like to make an order for some of your arepas.

Un momento.

No, no, no.

As we wait un momento, I'd like to remind you all that Colombia

is in the south american continent hello hello hi gaziza how you doing good good hey sweet tits

can you speak up a little bit for me please darling uh what are you looking did you mail

yeah i i had some you know those arepas yeah you made arepas for me you remember me

Uh, no, I don't remember.

Okay, I made a take-out order for some arepas.

Okay, okay, how many did you want?

Well, I already did, and I came home, and I put them in the microwave.

The woman said to put them in the microwave just like this.

Uh-huh.

And I put them just like that, and the next thing I know,

the microwave is on fire, there's smoke coming out of it,

and I had to use the fire extinguisher on it because someone put foil in it.

Oh, but the foil is not for the microwave.

I know, but she told me put it in just like this into the microwave for three minutes,

and it'll be perfect, she told me.

And then what I did exactly, I did per her orders.

And then when I opened it up, we just opened the microwave, and we see that...

Okay, who was here?

I think maybe...

When did you buy the arepa?

Today.

Today?

Yes.

uh let me tell you okay uh okay let me ask okay hey a woman woman woman hey so the problem is

that because of the smoke the fire alarm is going out the fire alarm and i i can't stop it i can't

stop the fire alarm now from sounding so i'm gonna be suing you for uh personal damages because of

the microwave was a good microwave it was i bought it at a walmart last week and you know what

happened is okay who put that it does with the foil uh i i think everybody knows the the foil

is not inside the microwave it's back on the she told me you put it in just like this three minutes

and she went like she did the okay sign she didn't say without the foil and you know what the worst

part you know why I know was on purpose because the foil she folded it and it

said H a H a okay no I'm sorry it said J a J a was

Jaja I mean what's that mean someone wrote it on the bottom of it it said

Jaja Jaja it says J a J a on the on the bottom of it someone wrote it under said

What does that mean?

I don't know.

Well, what am I going to do about the fire alarm?

They're going to charge me $300 to come turn it off from the prime minister.

I need to talk, okay.

The minister of police said he's going to charge me $300.

Okay, let me speak with the owner.

The owner?

Yeah, I know the owner.

Connect me to the owner at once, woman.

What?

Connect me to the owner at once, woman.

Okay.

Give me your phone number and your name.

Listen, I want to call back tonight, woman.

You understand?

I want to talk to the jefe tonight.

What is jefe's number?

You tell me.

No, I can't.

No.

Ah, you see here.

You people come over here and you sabotage my food and you made my good microwave that I had.

It was an eight-ounce microwave, ma'am.

Eight ounces, that thing took it once.

I took an eight-ounce steak in that in about an hour and 15 minutes, son of a bitch.

Somebody speak with you in English or in Spanish?

You know, to be honest with you, that woman spoke English to me a lot better than you did.

Okay.

Can you call...

No, no.

I want you to fix this now.

I can't fix.

I'm not the owner.

Do you understand?

Who is the young man that's there?

Okay.

Send that man to my house to fix the smell and stop the fire alarm machine now.

Okay, if you don't...

Who is the man that's working there now?

I know it's not all women over there.

There is a man there.

You send him here to handle your business.

That is how the Hispanics support the Hispanics.

Okay, nobody here right now.

Oh, who are you?

Okay, well, come on, let's go.

I'm going to give you the address.

You come and you fix this now.

No, I can't.

Okay, I'm working.

You need to come in here and...

I'm here.

I need...

Look, I need you to make an announcement.

I can fix your problem.

If you don't understand, you can fall inside the microwave.

It's crazy.

Some woman said to me, I said, how I cook this?

How I make it?

And she said, oh, you put it in the microwave just like these.

But without the fork.

Not with the fork.

The fork or the.

Well, I think that they did it on purpose because they were mad at me.

Okay, let me.

I think you did it.

Are you the woman that's over there?

Who is the food?

I'm working.

Let me talk with the owner.

You're not working.

You're talking to me.

But I have people, okay?

Who do you have?

What people do you have over there?

People.

I've got people.

Are you the only person?

Are you cooking, cleaning, and doing everything by yourself?

No, no, no.

Who's that man in the back talking over there?

Hello?

Hello, hello.

Who is this?

What is to happen?

Who pushed the buttons?

What was that?

Okay.

How dare you push buttons on me?

Call me the owner, okay?

And I'll call you back.

What you have done to me, you push the button when I'm talking to you, you slap me in the face.

What?

That is like a slap in the face when you do that.

That's like typing in all caps.

Okay, uh...

Take this.

Once again.

You take that.

Okay, once again.

What number, what's your favorite number?

You like the number six?

No, I don't like the number six.

Why?

Number three?

No, okay.

How about number two because you're stupid?

No, okay.

You are stupid.

You go take a shit.

Stupid, I'm just, I'm working, okay?

And the next time I want to eat and have this happen, I'm going to shit in the microwave and eat it.

Okay, okay.

I'm going to microwave the shit and I'm going to eat it.

That's how, that's how much better it is in the stuff than what you did to me.

You might as well have just taken a bag and made a big shit in it.

Like three people make big monster shits in it and stomped on it, sat on it and farted it.

And said, oh, here you go.

Here's your burrito, sir.

And your brown paper bag.

Uh-huh.

Disgusting.

Shame on you.

you shame on you sick person okay why don't you go and tell everyone make an announcement to the

whole restaurant everyone put away your food no more orders because we are bad people and we have

to close hello you need some something else i need an apology okay come to here no give me an

apology on the phone now i want you to say after me mr valente why who is that man in the back who

Who is talking?

Who is in the back?

In the back, back, what?

You panocha.

Who is in the back?

Tell me.

Okay, I have to walk, okay?

You know, you need a good dick in woman.

Get off the phone.

Okay, bye.

I'll give you that good dick you're looking for, man.

Okay.

I have your phone number.

I call to the police.

Bye.

No.

Now we have good audio.

There we go.

Now we're audible.

Give me some ones over there if you can hear us okay.

Okay, this is Madhouse Radio, Carlito, Artie, Artie Live in the studio, and of course, Tuxer also in Coconin.

Who's that? Who's that? White girl with pink lips. Yeah, what's up, Pinky? What's her name?

B-21.

B-21, that's one of the bombers, you know? That's right, one of the famous bombers.

The B-21 dropped the bomb on Wonton Bay in World War II.

We're going to be calling next here a prank call, a prank call victim, rather.

This one came in from Lonesome Loser, as most of them do.

Where are we at?

Okay, we did the Colombian place.

Let's call Asakuma Restaurant.

Asakuma Restaurant's in Venice, California.

Just a moment here for the next prank of the night, ladies.

Please click on it if you want to.

Come on, Santa Monica.

Shut up.

Hey, how you doing?

Good.

Hey, is this Asakam?

Yeah, can you hold, please?

No, I can't.

Well, remain on the line.

I'll be with you shortly.

I always wanted to say that.

No, I can't hold.

I'm going to tell her that I can't hold.

Yeah,

feel free to jump in on this one, Artu.

How are your prank calls anyway? Don't be like,

oh, they're good, they're good.

Are they good?

Oh, you gotta talk.

There we go, I'm sorry.

Yeah, when we're doing a prank,

you're gonna talk on the phone.

Alright, you know what I'm saying.

now your mic's talking your mic no oh wow okay we're figuring out for the first time we haven't

had a guest guest uh guy a guest here for a while over a year now all right well i guess she uh she

showed us didn't she fucking bitch fucking woman who she thinks she is queen of japan

all right well let's see what up guys

it has a queen b um we have a meeble guest here saying what up guys i've listened to your show

non-stop for like a month and it's hella funny good job to everyone and say what to milkman for

me lol can you guys write back on this just wondering uh i'm gonna say yeah man 10 for

For Milkman over and out.

All right.

There you go.

That's for you, MeebleGuest172117.

Congratulations.

You have won tonight five Madhouse dollars.

There you are, the lucky number.

The lucky winner, so be sure to use that over at the Madhouse Radio website.

Give me that number of your name.

Redeem that at 98.6themelf.com.

98.6.

The Melf.

All right, next prank call of the night.

we called the asakuma restaurant let's call her back as a matter of fact because she tried to get

away from me but they don't ever get away from me they're already you know i mean wait a minute

wait a minute wait i had audio to play tonight i got i got some news items here and something

had audio in it what was that i did want to say did you hear about william shatner um talking

shit about george takei me no yeah william shatner no is setting his phaser to stun against his old

star trek co-star george takei william shatner said on his website that he felt he never knows

knows he never knew george takei when they worked together apparently in a video posted on shatner's

website wednesday a live shout out to k for inviting him to his wedding for not inviting

him to his wedding last month where's that phone let me see that who's calling we gotta turn off

the ringer on that fucker westbury something hang on let's see you take that hello now listen

fucking motherfucking fat disgusting belly button hairy motherfucker up in the right hand corner

want to fuck him, man. Fuck that fat fuck. Oh, God. Look what you're making him do. What's

up, Lego? How you doing, man? What are you doing, Carlito? I'm doing good, man. How was

your show last night? You see that little slut in the bottom right, Brandy? She calls

my show last night. There she goes. Fuck her. She calls my show last night. I ask her to

whip out a tit. She doesn't. But she does it on your show, man. Oh, she did? When? Yeah,

a minute ago. Well, she whipped out her bra. She's cute. You missed it, man. Brandy,

I love you, you're cute girl

I missed it

I was trying to tell you, man

Palito, dude, how the fuck are you, my friend?

I'm good, we're doing a show

basically, you know, just doing our thing

doing some prank calls, playing some

calls from last week

Big Fat Evil Artie's here, you know

Yay!

Yeah, we should be, me and Artie

we're going to make a wrestling team, a tag team

I think

The Soars Brothers

Versus High Pitch Eric

Bronto and Brachiosaurus, the Saurus brothers.

And Hypaturic and who?

Really?

I think you guys can come up with something more creative than that.

The Saurus brothers?

That's awesome.

S-A-U-R-U-S, Saurus brothers.

Brontosaurus and Brachiosaurus.

I'll be Bronto.

I like Bronto.

I think you're more Bronto, right?

Artie's more of a Bronto.

I don't know.

I'll be Bronto.

I would call it, you know, Hot Pockets.

Hot Pockets.

I need some more Hot Pockets, by the way.

Showers rocks

You're not going to go on a diet, bro

Fuck a diet

You need to go on a diet

We all need to go on a diet

Dr. Lego, speaking of diets

You want to do a prank call, man?

Yes, I do

I'm going to throw some shit at you

You tell me what sounds nice

Just fucking dial and let's go

Okay, this is the Fiesta Garibaldi Bar and Grill

They're located in Baldwin Park, California

Home of the Baldwin Park Schooners

You ever heard of them, Lego?

They're an awesome semi-pro football team

Check them out

Yeah, BaldwinParkScooners.com.

I love that place.

All right, guys, everybody, just a moment.

Dr. Lego, Carlito, Big, Evil, Artie, and the rest here on Madhouse Radio Aisle.

Let me play a song here for the ladies.

What do they want to hear?

More Beastie Boys?

Sure.

Why not?

Dialing music.

Hi.

Hey, Mamma Mia, Bicho, listen.

One moment, please.

Yeah, let me speak to somebody who speaks a real fucking language, okay?

This is America.

Come on, put Carlos on the phone.

What do you want to know, sir?

Hey, hello?

Hello?

Hey, how are you?

How can I help you?

Yeah, listen, my name is Ed Rooney.

I was in the NRI yesterday, and I've got a little bit of a complaint.

Okay.

I've got a problem.

Yeah, the guy who served, the person who served me my food had, like, a really bad cold

and was, like, fucking snorting, coughing, and getting their shit in my food, man.

How the fuck do you have somebody, how the fuck do you have somebody who's sick serving food there?

Uh-huh.

Okay, what's wrong with you?

Now listen, listen to me.

If I get fucking sick, if I get like SARS disease or some shit,

I'm going to come down there and I'm going to fuck you in the ass.

Okay, but what's wrong?

Well, listen, the problem is I got some food,

I got some of that shit food you guys make,

and the server had a cold, and they want to die in my fucking food.

Okay.

No, it's not, listen to me, it's not okay.

Now here's what we're going to do.

For you to make up for this shit, I want to call in with a 10 answer to 4.

or I want to do a little sucky-sucky on my cocky-cocky.

Can you make that happen?

Okay, and what time do you come?

I'm going to come in an hour.

And I want some more fucking food, too.

And you know what, dude?

You could suck my cock, too.

What do you think?

Hello?

This is the hospital breaking into the line.

Am I speaking to A. Frohman, Assasin's King of Chicago?

This is Ed Rooney.

Ed Rooney, yes.

I have your test reports here, your lab results back.

Right.

You have SARS.

See, motherfucker, I got SARS.

You hear that shit?

Now I'm fucking that girl on the axe, and I'm going to fuck your mommy, too.

Sir, I have already contacted a grief counselor.

We'll be contacting you as soon as possible.

Yeah, it's a fucking Chinese disease over at that fucking Puerto Rican restaurant you guys got there.

How do you get a fucking Chinese disease at a Puerto Rican restaurant?

You know how?

What's your name?

Yeah, my name is Ed Rooney.

Okay, and what time did you come yesterday?

I don't know.

I was there around 5, 6 o'clock, 5 o'clock maybe.

Maybe 4.45.

4-5?

4-45.

Open your fucking ears, dick.

4-45.

Okay, who was serving you?

I don't know, but whoever it was reached down the back of their pants and scratched their asshole like they fucking had hemorrhoids down to their fucking knees.

Okay, okay, hold on.

What did you order?

What?

What did you order?

I had the, you know, that chicken dish you guys have.

What?

Some kind of fucking Puerto Rican food.

What the hell you guys served there?

Okay, maybe you have a wrong number.

No, listen to me.

I was there eating with my fucking ex-girlfriend, the one with the one tit.

She's got one fucking tit right on her forehead.

You know the name of the restaurant you're calling?

Yeah, Mama Mel Bichos?

No, you're wrong, man.

No, what's the name of your place?

This is another place.

You're calling another place.

Oh, I know what this place is.

Is this Pina El Grande?

Where?

Pina El Grande.

That's the name?

Yeah, Pina El Grande.

No, that's wrong.

Ron, this is not a name.

Let me just ask you a question.

Have you ever touched another man's penis?

No, okay, you have a wrong number.

I don't know where you get it, but this is not the place for you.

All right, you know what?

I'll tell you what we can do.

We can work this whole fucking thing out if you let me come over there and fuck your dog.

Well, you can call me if you want.

I don't care.

Yeah, no, it's cool.

As long as the dog is on the ground, it's cool.

Hold on one second.

I can't have another call.

Fuck him.

That's enough.

Had enough of that fuck.

All right, clear the line there.

That was pretty good, actually.

That guy was kind of funny.

Sorry about jumping in.

Yeah, he was like, no, dude, that was great.

The SARS.

How do you get a Chinese disease in a fucking Puerto Rican restaurant?

Hey, did you hear about the black baby that went to heaven?

No, what happened?

Yeah, the black baby went to heaven, and God put wings on the black baby.

And the black baby said, wow, God, now I'm an angel?

And God said, no, no, you're a bat.

You made him into a bad ass other than Angel.

Is that what happens?

Aw, poor black babies.

That's not nice, man.

Don't you have any adopted?

You have an adopted black baby, don't you?

No, it's his baby, isn't it?

When he was with that black woman.

Man, you want to do one more or are you going to go?

Fuck it, dude, I'm going to go.

But you guys are doing a great job and you know I love you, man.

Bye, Lego.

Big, fat, dark Lego.

Nobody's got fucking tits like you, buddy.

All right, Lego, thanks for coming in.

Hey, Brandy, I love you.

bye

that is Dr. Lego

he's on every Wednesday night

is it 9 or 10 do you know already

10

Zolar is at 9

9pm Eastern Standard Time Wednesday evenings

he's over there

Zolar is at 9 Fridays

Lego is on 10 on Wednesdays

and then Zolar Party Nation is tomorrow night

Friday at

Zolar Party Nation

is on at 9pm Eastern Standard Time tomorrow

and he's over at Zolarcast

dot com and dr lego who did that prank call earlier with the very bad phone is at uh prank

the world dot com that's the one right there and we're of course here madhouse live dot com and all

that stuff uh big outlaw wants to know why the name change arty that's your that's your alter

ego right oh yeah yeah man that's just that's just okay that's right we're gonna we're gonna

make us uh 78 78 effect oh you want 70 hang on let's see here 78 okay i'm gonna turn that up

I've got to get better with this.

And then there you go.

There's your 70s.

Big Bubba Bitch.

Is that the whole name?

Yeah.

B-B-B.

Big Bubba Bitch.

Dude, that should be it.

As in you're the fucking bitch.

Oh, no, no, no.

Now you just changed.

Now it's Big Bubba the Bitch.

All right, Artie, you've never had a cigar before, correct?

No.

It's Madhouse Ready.

You know what that means, right?

No.

We've got to have a cigar.

Yeah, man.

Congratulations.

This is an honor of Artie being the first.

Tuck, do you ever smoke cigars there, sir?

You said you do smoke, like, Macanudos or something like that, right?

Yeah, yeah, I used to smoke cigars.

You think I should show my ass?

Nope.

Back in my younger days, I sure did, yeah.

Nope, can't say I think you should show your ass already.

Well, thank you for that.

I think B21 wants me to.

No, B21 can show her stuff again, because I missed it before, and I'm the host.

Then maybe we'll see about that.

You've got to show the host, that's the rule.

Here's your first cigar Artie's ever had.

Somebody post the JPEG in the Met House chat room and see a striped bra in the JPEG.

It's very nice and shaped.

Right, right.

Okay, hey, we don't have a lighter.

We got matches.

Don't worry, Artie.

We got matches.

So have you never had a cigar before, Artie?

No.

Are you excited about it?

Are you just kind of...

I'm excited.

All right, good deal.

Have you ever smoked a cigarette before, Artie?

No.

You never smoked a cigarette before?

No, man.

You're going to get sick.

Don't inhale.

inhale don't inhale and i'm not just it's not oh hell yeah it's not the bill clinton thing but

don't inhale a cigar it will make you sick yeah well i mean you can inhale maybe two or three

times and you'll see what i mean you know what i mean by dropping the fire don't don't drop it

dude okay hang on let me unlight oh just light it here just gotta um do you know how to light a

cigar well these already have a hole in them all right so what you're gonna do what you're gonna

do is you're gonna it does i use like two or three matches at a time turn you might want to

turn the fan off when you do it it's got honey on it so don't worry so it's right there just turn

it down all right so what you're gonna do is what you do is you hold it in your mouth you put it in

your mouth right and as you've got the matches on it you you turn it and then you inhale you kind of

puff on it like puff puff puff puff into and after a while it'll it'll take over it'll catalyze

there you go you gotta be turning it make sure that you're watching the uh you're gonna let it

go out you're gonna kill the match yeah you suck at that don't you yeah yeah you do we're gonna

gonna need a lighter for arty here and i don't have one dude um i could fart no don't do that

give me see that black bag behind you and bring that over here we'll get you a lighter it'll be

much easier i think i might have one in here anyway so where's milkman let's call milkman

huh play some let's play hey tell you what let's play a prank call here uh from last week in elsa

now we did that uh the chicken spaces before this we had a few pizza spaces also tug did you catch

those at all were you here for that one i could go for it oh yeah yeah i heard it when i missed

All right, no problem.

This one is the KFC Spaces.

Check this out.

What's up, KFC?

May I help you?

Hello, this is KFC.

Yes, it is.

I got bad treatment from, you ever heard of United Fried Chicken?

They're the most horrible, nastiest people there.

Have you heard of them?

Excuse me?

Have you ever heard of United Fried Chicken here in town?

They're the most nastiest, horrible people to me on the phone.

That's why I'm calling you.

I need to make an order for chicken spaces for 20 people.

Do you guys do, can I have them come in?

Do you have enough spaces for any chicken spaces, as much chicken spaces as possible?

Do you want to place an order for 20 pieces?

20 people are coming in for chicken spaces.

Okay.

How many spaces come in the thing, in the box?

And we have the bucket.

We have like 10 pieces, 12 pieces, 16.

The bucket of how many?

16?

The bucket is from 10 to 16.

How many spaces in there?

there how many spaces does that and many you mean pieces spaces spaces how many spaces is that what

you mean spaces your chicken spaces how many are in that bucket all right so already tell us let

me pause this real quick how many what's what's your first impressions of your cigar badass

it's badass you like it these are really cheap ones though i mean these you should get fucking

cubans man you know what next time you know i'll get some nicer like you know nice four or five

dollar cigar maybe i should have done that for your first cigar would you you think you would

like more of like a light cigar right these are flavored these have honey i thought you might

like the kind of girly ones like this what do you think you can inhale a little bit you might

actually get a little bit of a buzz but you might actually get really sick to your stomach if you

overdo it i'll have to sleep over man no we don't want that no you have to get up at 5 30 son i don't

you can't stay here with my woman by yourself yeah you don't trust me no i don't let men don't come

come here and without when i'm not here with my woman when the repairman comes over i take the

day off of work yeah buddy everybody this is man house radio we're having a good old time let's

call that uh milkman guy let's uh play the rest of this prank while we get that done here

you eat the spaces you know how many spaces how many spaces meal oh god the chicken you know how

how many chicken in that how much chicken spaces um what's the spaces i'm not getting what you're

saying how many pieces in the spaces go in the in the bucket enjoy this call tone while we connect

you oh and it's pieces spaces do you have a chicken spaces oh no because i'm not understanding

what you're saying what about do you have a pink spaces hello hello hey milkman what's up bro

What's up, man?

What are you doing?

I'm just about on my way home, man.

I just stopped here and picked up something and I'm on my way home.

All right, cool.

Just checking in, man.

Say hi to everybody.

Me, Artie's smoking his first cigar ever.

Artie?

Artie's here.

Yeah, man.

He's smoking his first cigar.

Never had one before.

Me and him smoking cigars.

Are they from Cuba?

No, they're cheap old ones I got at 7-Eleven.

But I told him next time I'll get him a decent smoke.

Yeah, I thought I'd start him lying, you know?

Yeah, are they the Monica Lewinsky brand?

Just about, yeah.

Oh, sweet, man.

That's got some good flavor there.

Case, I bought it.

All right, so how soon do you think you're going to be on the air?

People are wondering.

Dr. Lego already called in.

He's mad that you're not here.

Lego?

What the hell has that crazy motherfucking Dr. Lego been doing, man?

I don't know, man.

So how long are you thinking?

How long is it going to be?

About ten minutes.

As soon as he's here, I'm just getting ready to come to the register now,

so I'll be out here in about ten minutes.

All right.

All right, Milkman.

That's cool.

Yeah.

All right, man.

How's everything going, man?

Everything is good.

We're having a decent show.

We're just playing.

We're playing a lot of the shows, the pranks for Saturday.

We're doing like here and there, doing some pranks.

We're about to do another one.

You want to stay on for that?

Sure.

Actually, I'm going through the lines, so give me a couple minutes.

I'll be back on.

I'll be on air, man.

Oh, hey.

Okay.

Hey, Lonesome Loser wants to know, where does Charlie Patton live?

Is that Indianapolis?

Hold on.

Hold on here.

Hold on.

I'll tell you in just a second.

Give me a second.

All right, good.

We'll find out.

Lonesome Loser is asking where.

We'll let him know.

Hey, just tell us later, all right?

Hey, Milkers.

Milkman.

He hung up.

He said he was going to tell us.

Yeah, who cares?

He doesn't care if I hang up on him.

It doesn't bother him.

Yeah, there you go.

What did you say?

Did you say the N-word?

Yeah.

Nigger.

Wow, you're racist, dude.

This is a non-racist show.

We have a lot of...

It's not racist.

I say it out of love.

Yeah, okay.

You'd be crazy.

Yo, Kix.

Hey, what's up, Kix?

How you doing, dude?

All is good, man.

And I hear, actually, you guys are doing all the prank calls and everything.

So I'm wondering, so here's something.

I need to ask if I can participate in one.

I've got a great, great British accent here.

Okay.

Yeah, he does.

And already now, we actually prank called Jamal here one time.

Yeah, Jamal from New York.

Jamal from New York?

Yep.

Should I know him?

Good one.

He's now live.

Oh, he's now live.

Okay, cool.

Hey, so I'll tell you what kind of businesses I have,

and you tell me what you want to call it.

We've got a restaurant called Geezer's.

We've got a Chili's.

we got a hotel uh we got a pizza market we got the uh tattoo place we got a pizza place we got

a barbecue restaurant or we got a cafe oh you got uh which tattoo restaurant uh i'm sorry not

tattoo restaurant the tattoo parlor it's called where to go the campagnola you know what it

actually looks like it's a mexican restaurant it says trattoria uh you just lost your webcam

yeah i told you it overheats what about the uh hotel uh which hotel is that it's the desert

Desert Inn Hotel in Lancaster, California.

Yeah, I do.

Ooh, okay.

So I think what I could do is, I'm probably going to be a bit nervous to do this,

so I'm going to give it another shot, okay?

So I'll see what I can do with the hotel one here.

All right, well, cool.

Well, good luck.

This is the Desert Inn Hotel.

This is Kix.

He's going to be doing a prank call with us.

Hang on, everybody.

Don't go anywhere, please.

All right.

It's actually pretty good.

That's good.

Don't forget to hang up your phone over there.

Thank you.

Yes, hello.

Is this the hotel in Lancaster?

You got the wrong number.

sorry about that partner i'm sorry is it this must be the desert uh got the wrong number i'm sorry

this is a resident this is a resident so my apology sir no problem i don't know if that was

my bad or his bad i don't know what's going on here dude hang on i'm sorry about that uh we got

the magic lamp place a call press one okay we got two here we got this we got sal's mexican in or

we got the magic lamp in the magic lamp in that's another hotel yeah these are both ends yeah hotels

tells you sir okay all right and uh saul's mexican and that sounds funny all right and this is and

and this is uh in what city in uh kookamonga california kookamonga all right we can give

that one shot okay you want to call the magic lamp uh magic lamp in right okay yes that's right

magic lamp and kookamonga rancho kookamonga to be exact all right here we go sorry about the uh

mess up with the problem um so this is the magic lamp in this is sal's mexican in can i help you

Oh, so the Mexican restaurant business, correct?

Yes, that is correct.

Yes, what kind of tacos do you have?

I'm sorry?

What kind of tacos do you have?

Tacos, we have chicken tacos, ground beef tacos, shredded beef tacos, potato.

Now, with the ground beef tacos, are the ground beef tacos, like, very big?

Like, are they kind of like, you know, cocksucking, you know, ground beef tacos?

God damn it.

Dude, I did it again.

I called the Mexican one and said, oh, the magic lamp, I'm stupid.

I'm going to fucking raise it.

Place a call.

All right, hang on.

Don't go anywhere.

We'll do the next one.

To listen to your recorded call.

Are you purposefully sabotaging the new kid there on the phone?

Calling the Magic Lamp.

How can I help you?

This is the Magic Lamp.

Is that correct?

Yes, it is.

Okay.

My name is Nicholas Dinsmore, and I want you to know, how many do you have for tonight

at around 10 o'clock?

For how many?

What time?

I have a friend, and we're coming there at 10 o'clock.

Is that possible?

No.

Actually, we do our last meeting at 9.30.

Okay.

Okay, with 9.30, let me ask you something.

Do you get a lot of British customers there?

No, I don't know off the top of my head.

Not that I know of.

Well, do you have a lot of Americans with buck teeth, you know?

No.

No, you don't?

What kind of teeth do you have?

Do you have, like, nice, you know, cocksuckle lips?

Name, Evil Artie?

To press call, press 1.

Oh, shit.

To listen to your recorded call, press 2.

Oh, Artie.

To your card, press 3.

No, because sometimes it'll stick.

Yeah, no.

No, you're not.

That's funny.

EvilRD was trying to type on the non-working laptop.

That was kind of funny.

Hey, it might be cool enough if we keep it up a little bit, you know?

Try to elevate it a little bit.

We've got the fan on blast, so maybe we can...

You know what?

We're in serious need of some new equipment here.

We need two new computers.

We need a new laptop and a new old computer.

Hey, Kix, thanks for calling in, man.

That's a very good British accent.

Where'd you learn to do that, sir?

I had a lot of British friends, so...

Oh, really?

Yeah, that's cool, man.

Those international schools, you know.

Where are you checking in from, dude?

South, North?

California.

I'm currently in California in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Awesome.

Hey, dude.

The gay area.

Yeah, dude, I heard San Francisco on the ballot legalized prostitution in the city limits.

Holy shit.

Yeah, that's the thing, because I actually got a prostitute on NowLive, and we had a NowLive sex thing that happened, which was shocking.

I only got banned for like two minutes, so that was like the best thing, one of the best moments on NowLive history.

All right, Artie, you're seriously going to have to stop inhaling, or just stop smoking it, because you're killing us.

So you saw some of that.

Was she, like, talking about it, or what was going on?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I actually banged a prostitute on camera.

Oh, sweet.

Dude, awesome, man.

Good deal.

$120, Craig's list, man.

$120, not bad.

Was it pretty, and was it good pussy, or?

He was all right.

Good deal.

Well, it was $120.

What did you expect, right?

Yeah, 30 minutes, though.

Eh, not bad, not bad.

I can fit in a lot in 30 minutes.

All right, dude, thank you very much for calling in, man.

All right.

You have yourself a good one, kid.

All right, later, man.

Peace.

All right, that is kicks.

I don't know, Artie.

You're going to have to stop coughing, dude.

I mean, that's just too much.

You've got to admit it's funny.

Yeah, no, it's not.

That's just as rude, man.

How about you have a button where you can turn off your mic when you're going to cough?

Your mic sucks balls.

It's bollocks.

Yeah, it does.

Does it?

Yeah.

Don't you have to get a nice condenser?

Yeah, maybe.

That's a lot of money.

You're a college kid.

You've got to...

Well, I'll save up.

You know what you should do?

take out a student loan just do it take that student loan extra two thousand dollars get

yourself a mic and stuff man get yourself a nice setup get a new computer hell yeah

because you know what obama's gonna win baby we're gonna get all our student loans paid

off son i can't wait for it that's why i'm voting obama i'm not voting well good as long as you

don't i'd rather you not vote instead of voting wrong um let's delve into the news here if i can

this moment so we talked about william shatner apparently he's got beef with george takei

He said, quote, the whole thing makes me feel badly.

There we go.

Poor man, there's such a sickness there.

It's so painful.

I would like, if anybody out there can give me a link to that, if anybody knows where,

looking for a link to the YouTube video of Will Shatner talking about George Takei.

Apparently, he's on his official website.

I don't know if anybody's seen it or can shoot me a link for it or something like that.

Let me try going to Google Machine here.

Let's see.

Shatner Takei YouTube.

let's see if this comes up here i should do a man gina just for fun no here we go shatner on

silu wedding snub let's take a gander at this here george takei told ap radio who played chekhov

will be the best man what okay sickness here we go a point of not inviting you how do you feel

about that well you know the whole thing makes me feel badly uh the poor man uh there's such a

sickness there it's so painfully obvious that there is a psychosis um i don't know what his

original thing about me was i have no idea but yeah that's pretty messed up you know i do want

to say i have met george i didn't read his book that was printed dude what the fuck i thought it

was done but apparently i didn't let somebody have a close-up shut up will shatter i i i met

him in person here in orlando at a convention uh year ago and i can't say that he doesn't seem to

be a mentally deranged person okay yeah he's just a little he's a little slow that's all yeah he's

queer he's queer you think that's what it is you think will shatner's like he's gay he's obviously

sick yeah well gay people are sick right uh yeah pretty pretty much i am bisexual i'm fabulous

yeah pretty much um so that's what i read into it i interpreted he was referring to his obsession

that he hates Shatner

and that Shatner is like a big

ham and

Shatner's referring to him that

he's sick as obsessing

over

being a ham and a scene stealer and get over it.

Shatner's referring to that.

There's that whole thing with the book, yeah.

But apparently, Takei says he did indeed invite him to the wedding and he never RSVP'd.

Shatner says he never got an invite

so it just sounds like he's a little jealous

maybe that he didn't get invited to the whole

gay wedding

I mean come on

we got some more news dude

this one here is coming out of

Saginaw I have no idea where's Saginaw

that sounds like a cool place to live

Saginaw

anyway in Michigan

what happened to Saginaw

a man got caught with a vacuum in his pants

in a car wash

Saginaw area news reports

courts well a 29 year old south swan creek township man at the party in second i guess

a 29 year old man is in a county jail for receiving sexual favors from a vacuum

at a car wash thomas township resident called police to report someone acting suspicious at

a car wash at 6 45 a.m thursday this morning uh the officer parked some distance away approached

on foot and caught the man in the act said the officer i've seen some strange things but this

This is the weirdest thing I ever heard, and that is the officer right there.

Good deal.

So, wow, that must be a – talk about a –

Well, good for him.

He made it on the weirdo news.

He did.

Good for him.

So, can you imagine, like, the second you see the cop, you're like –

You know, it just goes right, you know.

Yeah.

Yay.

Hey, Gordy, what are you going to do to get yourself on the weirdo news reports?

Well, maybe I'll run into class jerking off.

What are you going to do?

There you go.

This should be Artie's theme song.

Everyone, Evil Artie here tonight with us.

All right, guys, let's move on here.

Let's do another news article before we go back to some more prank calls.

It is 11.24 p.m., Artie.

Bless you.

11.24.

We're going to be taking a break here pretty soon.

Here's something.

Shoplifter was arrested after brandishing a well-used sanitary napkin.

You know, we did that prank call here recently.

Talk about sanitary napkins.

me and Zola are very funny

prank calls that we did well apparently

this is disgusting Fort Pierce

here in Florida a woman accused of shoplifting

brandishing a female

sanitary napkin 27

year old woman accused of shoplifting

cologne and trying to touch an officer with

a well used and bloody

female sanitary napkin Tuesday

is facing charges

she was in a 400 block of North 14th

Street stopped after allegedly

walking out of a Walgreens without

paying for a $30 box of

elizabeth arden mediterranean cologne uh also had a bottle of bright green sinful colors nail

polish and a package of extra long black fake eyelashes she pulled out what appeared to be a

dollar bill from her purse from her overalls and tried handing it to an officer but the officer

didn't take it the woman began speaking strangely and getting close to the officer he kept she kept

saying sex sex while walking toward an officer before she was actually handcuffed she's put in

in the patrol car grabbed behind her and pointed she grabbed behind her and pointed a well-used

and bloody female sanitary napkin that's disgusting both officers told her to drop the well-used

napkin the officer stated in his affidavit i delivered a firm lawful command to the suspect

to drop the object and told her it was gross well that'll do it right there female officer

eventually put the offensive biohazard item in a plastic bag she faces three misdemeanor charges

charges in connection with the incident and maven says that's a dumb bitch it's a waste of a tampon

if you get to see the picture of this woman i would not want to touch her sanitary napkin either

uh yeah she looks like a brillo it's it's a black lady no no way shoplifting no i'm sorry that's

that's not true all right come on that's wrong that's not how we do things in a show art is a

bad influence he's a racist he's from florida he was born and raised in the south where are you

I was born and raised.

South also.

I was born in the same town.

I lived in the same town you did when you were growing up, I think.

DeBerry?

Just next door.

Deltona, right?

Yeah, that crappy town.

Anyway, so the last news article here.

So long, suckers.

Millionaire hedge fund boss.

Thanks, idiot traders.

Retires at 37.

This guy has balls.

Apparently, he became a millionaire and he sent an email that made fun of all the investors

that made him rich and said he was retiring at the age of 37.

offended a lot of people

made people upset

I really would like

to have his number

his name is

Andrew Lade

L-A-H-D-E

but I'm sure

it's going to be

impossible to get

his number

because he's a

he's a multi-millionaire

stop moving that mic

dude what's wrong with you

what did he invent

he invented

I don't know

cheating people

out of money

let's play the

let's play the rest

of that phone jacker call

and we'll be right back

I want to be a prize winner

I'll go everything I want

well I'm afraid

you are a prize winner

in the Republic

I don't want any prizes. You can keep your prizes.

I'm afraid I'm not authorized to do that, sir. We must send you the cash prize immediately.

But I don't want it.

Where would you like me to wire you the money, sir?

I don't want it. I don't want any money wired to anywhere.

To your bank account, sir.

No, thank you.

Bank account details, sir. That's all I require.

No, I don't want anything off of anybody.

Why are you so miserable, sir?

I'm not miserable at all. I just don't need anything. I don't want anything.

But everybody could do with eight pounds and twenty-three pence.

So I've got eight pounds and twenty-three pence.

Well, you could double your money, sir.

Well, I don't want to. You have it.

Hey, all right, good. Artie's going to move to a different computer.

Yeah, I'm sure she'll say it's okay. She's sleeping, though.

Athena, can I use your computer?

All right, so Artie, you're going to move everything on your own, right?

Because I'm not doing anything.

You're going to get your cam over there and all that?

You can't do that. Yeah, see?

You can't get your cam over there, can you?

yeah okay or you know what you could do you could just take the laptop off of there

oh now you want it all right so you're gonna have to install like a minicam or something on the

not really all right cool well evil all right well evil already has an idea i'm gonna turn off

your cam over here okay all right well good luck with that all right well while you're doing that

and everyone's gonna see the whole whole uh whole deal here i think we should do don't do that dude

we're gonna do we're gonna take a break here pretty soon but i did want to play the rest we

We left off on the middle of that KFC one, right?

We haven't finished that one yet.

Let's go ahead and play the rest of that.

Where is that at?

What was that?

You got it.

All right, let me...

We can't unplug it because it'll screw it up.

Hang on, let me take a break first, dude.

Hang on, let me just take a break.

Let's just take a break here.

We're going to have to set things up here.

Is Milkman in here yet?

No.

Who's in here?

Tuck?

You're with me?

Kokanee's here also.

What's up, Kokanee?

Thank you for the news, man.

The news director of the Madhouse show is Kokanee, and he's right there.

When we come back, we have...

Are you here to speak?

Deep breath of kokanee, I hear.

Okay, so when we come back, we've got more prank calls to do, of course.

We have, who do we have on deck here, Tuck?

We've got that list.

We've got Eduardo's Border Grill.

We've got the Double Eagle Resort and Spa.

We've got Chili's still on deck.

We've already called the motels.

We've got Dahlia's Pizza Market.

We've got two numbers in England,

Alan Miles and Brenda Hoggson.

We also have the, we've already called that.

We've got the Billingsley Restaurant also here, all on deck for prank call.

If you want to send in your request, you can do so.

Please send those in.

Madhouse Radio, if you're using AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger.

Again, that's AOL, Yahoo Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio.

Don't go anywhere.

We'll be right back in about five minutes.

Thank you for listening.

We'll be right after this.

All right, everybody.

We're back.

Madhouse Radio ready to bring you home.

It's 11.37 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

That will make it 8.37 p.m. on the West Coast.

This is Carlito, your host.

You can also check out Artie on camera as well.

Big Evil Artie.

What's up, dude?

Make sure you talk into your mic there, sir.

What's up?

There you go.

Very good.

Of course, Tuck is also checking in as well on the standby machine.

Kokanee as well on the satellite connection.

Gentlemen, thank you very much for being here.

This is the second half, the second segment of Madhouse Radio.

Getting ready to bring in a big weekend coming up here.

I found out, guess what, my schedule got changed.

So we got bad news.

For all you fans of our Saturday show, you know, it's a shame we just started doing them for the first time.

Really doing them, and they've all been good.

And then today I found out, guess what, Carlito, you are now going to be working Saturdays.

So it looks like I'm going to be working Saturdays until 5.

so unless a later time slot opens up

on Saturday nights on Syndicate

I don't think I'm going to be doing a Saturday show anymore

I'm going to be working

but I will have Mondays off

maybe I can do a Monday afternoon show or something

a 420 show like we used to do back in the day

remember them?

it was always fun

so I'm going to be working

check this out

it's a sweet deal

it's supposed to go into effect on Sunday

the new schedule

I'm going to be working Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday

Friday, and Saturday, I'm going to have Sunday and Monday off.

Well, guess what the beautiful thing is?

I'm already, so this, you know, tomorrow I work, Saturday I'm off, Sunday I'm off,

and the new schedule kicks in, and guess what?

Monday, I'm off.

Three-day weekend, man.

I'm very excited about that.

So it looks like I'm pretty sure the schedule starts this weekend,

so I'm going to have a three-day weekend, man.

I'm going to go out.

I'm going to go do a barbecue.

That's what Americans do, right?

When you've got a three-day weekend, what do we like to do, Artie?

barbecue go to the beach i just stay home on syndicate yeah you do it's hardy's aren't you

play any games are you into um like uh i don't know what do the kids play these days spore

what the fuck is spore spore i downloaded spore you didn't hear spore that's an ea

maxis game it's pretty cool actually i kind of like it it's not bad at all i played i forgot

what's mnd uh i just entered the uh the the civilization stage i think or something and i

i got bored with it already uh the game is spore check it out spore.com and also uh wow i've been

playing a world of warcraft again kind of scary but i've been doing it kind of embarrassing to

be honest with you i never played warcraft um we should we should start a we should start a league

the league of extraordinary gentlemen the syndicate league the syndicate league the

league of syndicate gentlemen okay folks do some more prank calls and uh call it a night

Let me take a look and see what else we can play

From the weekend here that we missed

I am going to miss the weekend shows

It sucks, right when I started getting into them

And everything, all of a sudden they're going to be gone

Let's finish up this KFC prank

It is pretty good at the end

Pink Space

Yes

I was calling about the chicken meals

I needed a large one to feed about 20 people

She told me about

She told me about chicken spaces, and I'm trying to figure out what does she mean by chicken spaces.

I wish I knew what she means, but I don't understand.

And she's so frustrated at me, and I just need to get this chicken.

My mom is going to kill me if I don't get these chicken.

You can get a 16-piece, son.

Well, how many spaces is in that?

Why doesn't you understand the spaces?

All right, you get four pieces, four breasts, four thighs, four legs, and four wings.

Oh, God.

God. But how many spaces is that?

I'm from Canada, you understand, and we have chicken spaces.

I don't have chicken spaces.

Do you have any spaces there?

Not spaces.

Do you have pink spaces?

No.

You don't have pink spaces?

I guess I'm misunderstanding what you're saying.

I think you are, because I'm asking if you have pink spaces.

I don't have any pink spaces.

No? But how does the chicken come then?

Original or spicy.

All right, so you get the idea there.

One of these is really good, and it was about pizza.

Maybe it was Pizza Machine.

I think it was Pizza Machine.

Did we play this already?

Did we play the Pizza Machine calls already, Tuck?

Do you remember?

Why is your...

There we go.

You don't think so?

No.

All right, let's try it again then.

Prince, how may I help you?

Is this Prince Pizza III?

Oh, yeah, these are good.

Excellent.

I will let you make an order for three Pizza Machines as soon as possible.

For three Pizza Machines?

Yes, please.

Hold on.

Okay.

Hi there.

I got a crazy crack-ass white boy over here

Talking about machines

Sounds like AM radio

AM radio

You got an AM radio hooked up to the phone

Turn on the AM radio

Get some white man on the phone talking shit

It came from our space

She had the perfect thing there

Hang on

Alright I'm gonna give it

I'm gonna give it about another 30 seconds here

In the meantime keep in mind this is the Madhouse Radio

Yes, hi.

I was talking about the machination going on.

Yes, hello.

Hello.

You said three pizzas?

No, I said three machines.

The pizza machines, you know.

We don't sell pizza machines.

But I like to eat the pizza.

I call it a pizza machine.

Like a pizza pie, you know.

So you want to order three pizzas?

Yeah, yes.

Or you want to buy a machine?

I want pizzas.

I need pizzas.

Pizzas.

I ain't got time for this.

That's right, bitch.

Yeah, you do.

Don't fucking lie.

Prince, how may I help you?

Who do you think you are hanging up on me, ma'am?

That's not fair.

What do you mean you don't have time to deal with this?

Because you're playing games.

I don't have time to play games.

Madam, I'm trying to make a serious order here.

I need foods.

Okay, so why did you say you want to buy three pizza machines?

Where we come from, we call them machines.

We're from Australia.

When you make it in the oven, I didn't know what you call it.

What do you call it?

A pizza pie?

What is this?

We call it a pizza.

Because where I come from, we call it a pizza machine, and then you got confused.

It's not.

I'm sorry.

Please don't get mad at me.

Please.

I'm a little scared.

Please.

What's your address?

Oh, God.

It's 1983 Contact Drive.

We don't deliver there.

It says here this is the Philadelphia Pizza Machines.

We are at 5733 North Broad Street.

Okay.

Do not go to your location.

Do you know you put the pizza in the machine and it comes out?

That's what I'm needing.

It says here that you have pizza machines.

No, we don't.

What about the spaces?

Spaces for what?

Do you have spaces there for people when they come in?

Do they have the spaces to go to?

No.

So how do people...

This is a pizzeria.

But where do they...

They sell pizza.

But where do they go when they get there?

How many spaces?

Do you have spaces?

How do you do it?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I want to open up a pizza place, and I'm getting ideas because I'm trying to come in.

So how many spaces do you need to have?

I have no idea.

You don't have spaces there?

No, we don't have spaces.

How many machines, like pizza machines, an hour do you make?

A pizza oven.

A pizza machine, how many come out every hour?

We don't have a pizza machine.

You know what?

Stop calling.

That's just stupid pizza machines.

All right, let's do the next live call here.

Yeah.

this is going to be the

we're going to call

what was it again

we do have the Andrew Lod

we got the guy in Santa Monica, California

the rich guy they call everyone assholes

let's call Chili's everybody

this Chili's is in LA, Los Angeles, California

we're going to probably be ending the show here

in about 30 minutes

if anybody wants to call in

please do

the toll free line is

1-888-278-8509

the toll free line here tonight is

is one eight eight eight two seven eight eight five zero nine you can probably see it somewhere

scrolling up there in my little cam thing uh in the meantime here is going to be the chilies

grill and bar in la we're going to get an answer chilies whoa that's their answering machine you

people suck their answering machine has aids everybody aids or also known as the aids let's

do the next call here what do we got the double eagle resort and spa dial three for the restaurant

on a woman named Allie answered at 10.15 p.m.

That was only about an hour and a half ago.

Maybe that's what our problem is.

Let's call the next one.

Let's find this.

Holy calamity, scream insanity,

or you're ever going to be another great fan of me.

I think we finally got it.

Hello, is this the Camp Agua?

Campagnola in Westwood, sir.

What's that?

What's that about?

Well, you called the number, sir.

No, I know what it is.

This is a restaurant.

You made, like, an angry sound with your mouth.

Are you okay?

Do we have to talk about something between me and you?

Sir, I don't know.

You call the number.

This is a restaurant, and I don't know why you need it.

You need a to-go order.

You need a reservation.

Well, let me ask you.

Hey, sir, immigration.

Let me ask you something, Gonzales.

What do people normally call for the restaurant?

I want a to-go order.

I want to come in and pick it up, you know?

Sure.

What can I get for you?

I would like, is this Gonzales I'm speaking with?

There's no anybody called Gonzales here.

What's your name, Jose Rodriguez?

Sir, no, no, my name is Carlo, I'm the owner of the premises, and I don't have a Spanish name, my name is Poda, how can I help you?

What's your name, Poda?

Yes, it's an Italian name.

How do you spell that?

P-O-D-A.

Okay, good.

You know, I'm going to Spain also next year in May for my honeymoon.

I'm very excited.

Do you speak Spanish fluently?

A few words, sir.

You're not from Italy?

Well, Italy is Italy.

Italy is that they don't speak Spanish.

They speak Spanish.

They speak Latin there, like Latinos, right?

Yeah.

Not at all, sir.

You're confused.

I learned, I learned, ah, el burro sabe mas que tu.

What's that mean?

I don't know, sir.

I don't speak Spanish.

I don't know.

Italian, like I say, we don't speak Spanish.

It's like Frank.

We all connected.

We all Latin word, but everybody speaks its own language.

You know Frank?

Oh, Frank, I mean.

Oh, I know Frank, too.

Yeah, does he come in there a lot?

He's a good friend of mine.

He told me, I think he might have told me about you.

All right, senor.

So if you could put me down, please.

Do you have a quesadillas?

No, sir.

This is an Italian restaurant.

The last time I learned that in Italy they speak Latin, so that makes you Latino.

Sir, I'm sorry.

I need to hang up, okay?

No, please take my order.

I'm sorry.

I'll be good.

Oh.

All right, let me try to call him back.

I promise I'll be good.

All right, Artie?

Yeah.

I promise I'll be good.

I'll be hey.

To place a call, please enter your...

And come out to show them.

Yes, the big fat milkman has made it.

Campanella, may I help you?

Yes, hi, sir. I'd like to make an order for pickup machine.

For pickup?

Machine, yes.

Okay.

So what? Is this Gonzales?

Gonzales?

Yes.

Now, this is Campanella restaurant.

Uh-huh. I need to speak with the man who takes the orders.

Okay, hold on, please.

Who is this?

This is Victor.

Is this Victor Rivera?

No.

Is Rodriguez there?

Rodriguez. Who do you want to talk to?

The Puerto Rican guy that takes the orders.

Motherfucker!

Yeah, hit star cam, you old fart.

Hello... hello... hello...

I'm not talking to you, sir.

Hello.

Did I put on hold or hung up on?

Probably hung up on.

God damn it, the mother.

All right, hi Milkman, how you doing, you old fart?

Hello there, Shaddy.

How you doing there?

Hello...

All right, good.

I'm glad to see that you finally made it.

How was traffic?

Was there traffic you were stuck in or what was going on before?

What'd you have?

Were you...

Oh, yeah, dude.

Dude, it was crazy, man.

Are you taking a shit in the toilet?

I had to go down and, yeah, I had to go down and, you know,

empty a big old, pinch off a big old loaf there.

Oh, pinch it.

Help was all over me.

They had me testing drugs.

I mean, doing drug testing.

Fuck, yeah, awesome, dude.

They give you a shit drug test.

It's harder to beat a shit test than a piss test.

They take it out and they mash it.

Exactly.

And then they have a dog sniff it.

All right, we're going to call Geezer's Restaurant.

This is the Geezer's Restaurant.

Milkman loves the early bird special at the Geezer's Restaurant, I heard.

We're going to call them, Milkman, and we're going to behave, right?

Yeah, well, let's see also if the stool sample guy will answer at the office.

Oh, wait a minute.

We should find that number.

Adolphus Cotton.

Gee whiz, apparently he's playing with power tools,

which means that he bought himself a fake vagina and has been using it all night.

That's awesome, dude.

Good luck with that.

Yeah, man.

Get that boy and pass it back to me.

Get that man and pass it back to me.

Hello?

Yes, sir.

Who is this?

How can I help you?

How long did you have to put me on hold, sir?

I totally forgot that I was on the phone.

Oh, I'm very busy.

Is this Gonzalez again?

How can I help you?

Hey, Gonzalez.

There is no one Gonzalez in here.

Is this Raul?

What is your name?

Oh, my name is Victor.

Victor Rivera.

Hey, okay.

I want you to put me down for a quesadilla.

What would you like to order?

We have Italian food, right?

Yes, I'm having Italian food.

Do you have sausage and peppers?

Sausage and peppers, yes.

Okay, I want one sausage and pepper with a pesto sauce.

Like pasta or?

Stupid, I want pesto sauce.

Is there an American there that I can talk to?

I just had to kill that.

I forgot he was there waiting for us.

I was just talking.

I thought he hung up.

Fucking asshole.

To take a call, press 1 to listen.

I just went into my own little world in conversation.

What were we talking about?

Who knows?

I forget.

Huh, UK Calls says, Nunu, Nunu, we don't have an international card.

They do love the UK.

If Lonesome has one, we can do that.

In the meantime, let's call the geezers.

No Skype on there, dude?

No, no Skype on there.

DTT says, Milkman, is Carlito doing a party in Philly?

I don't know.

I think we might be canceling that, DTT.

I'll let you know by the end of the year.

Maven says, how's it hanging, Milkman?

Milkman, how's it hanging?

Hey, Maven, honey, it's swanging good.

Awesome.

all right good deal so let's continue on let's play another one of those

calls from the weekend since they're not going to make it on the podcast unfortunately

lol i guess he wasn't an american i guess not yeah all right so uh did we do that did we do

all the pizza machine calls we just did one right out of me i'm carlito do we do them all

no i'm not three my friend we're not gonna do any more of those pranks from dd cocaine

Buccaneer, Maven, all our friends there.

Sarr, Lonesome, Milkman, Noonan.

Wait a minute, who the hell is Milkman?

Oh, some asshole.

Thank you for joining us.

All right, seriously, guy.

Next prank call is going to be the Geezer's Restaurant, as I said.

And listen, we might have someone here joining in.

Don't make fun of your own, you shaggy.

Hello.

Hey, guys, I'm just trying to say what up.

And you guys have a tight show.

And keep up the good work.

Tight.

Who's this?

Don't we allow them to know who this is?

Yeah, this is James.

I'm the guy that's in Chico, California.

Chico.

Oh, you're the dude in Chico, right?

Yeah, I'm not working there.

A lot of my buddies used to listen to Loveline, but that shit's fucking whack.

Yeah, they ruined Loveline, yeah.

Yeah.

But, yeah, you guys are hella funny.

Hey, I listened last night.

It was a recorded show, and the funniest shit, dude,

was when you guys had that bitch do an orgasm.

Ah, for a contest.

test yeah that was that's pre-recorded i forgot we had it and i kept saying like you know eight

seconds left to like 20 seconds ago by like four seconds and she kept going and going yeah dude

that's great but uh yeah you guys have a tight show and uh i'm gonna let people know dude let

everybody know manhouselive.com brother that's right all right man thanks for calling in

All right, peace out, sir.

All right, that's Chico, California.

What's a name like Chico?

Who's living here?

Chico.

I live in Chico.

I don't want that to be admitted.

We've got the Golden Sails Resort Hotel.

This is in Long Beach, California in the LBC on a mission trying to find Mr. Warren G.

Do we have that song?

I know we do, because we do it every time that I see LBC, and I rap that same thing,

and I always say, do we have that song?

And I type it in, and here it is.

Just a moment, folks.

The next prank call of the night.

Some Golden Sails Resort Hotel.

Best Western Golden Sails Hotel.

Hey, what's going on?

This is the Golden Sails Spaces.

Hello?

Yes, this is the Golden Sails Spaces.

This is the, yes, this is the Best Western Golden Sails Hotel.

That's the one I'm looking for, buddy.

You guys have room for me tonight, my friend.

Oh, yes, we do.

Oh, boy.

I want strictly non-smoking organic cotton.

What's that, sir?

I want strictly, like, non-smoking rooms.

There can't be any smoke, any previous smoke in the last five years in that room.

It saturates in the carpets and everything, sir.

Hello?

Yeah, is there any saturation in the carpets there at all when I get the room?

What's the title rating?

What's the rating on the fucking thing?

On the room is the title rating.

The title rating on the carpets.

The carpets.

What was the other word you just said?

The title.

No, you didn't say that word.

You said another word.

Rating on the carpet.

Are you all right?

Are you okay?

I'm asking you for help.

I'm asking for customer service here.

What's the matter?

Why are you being so mean to me?

No, what's the matter with you?

What's the matter with you?

I'm making the reservation.

This is not the way we treat people at the Best Western, sir.

Then why are you cussing at me for?

I didn't cuss.

I said the rating of the floors, and you're like all angry.

What's wrong with you?

Are you all right?

You're screaming at me about numbers.

Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

Let me speak to your manager, sir.

You're kind of threatening that.

Ma'am, can I speak with your manager, please?

Can I speak to a man over there, please?

I'm asking to speak to a manager.

Sir, is there something wrong with your ears?

No, that's not the word you said.

You said the F word.

I did not.

And now you want to speak to the manager?

Yeah, because you call me the N word.

What do you mean, yeah?

You call me the C word.

I want to have a talk with your manager.

Immediately, sir.

You are, according to Proposition 112 in the county code,

you are required to put on the manager immediately after requisition is made

to suspend it if it's a phone or in-person conversation, sir,

or I will have you brought in on a charge with the civil council.

Will you please put on your manager?

You will be brought in on what kind of civil council?

The civil council.

What kind of civil council?

So what kind of civil council is going to bring me in?

The Tourism Association of California, sir, and I'm actually a secret...

Okay, well, why don't we do this?

Why don't you give me your name and number, and I'll have the general manager call you.

I'm going to speak to him now, son of a bitch.

No, why don't you give me your name and number, and I'll have them call you.

How dare you?

His name is Jack Niehoff.

His name is Jack?

How about, sir, what is your name, please?

Can I please have your name?

How do you spell his last name?

No, I want your name first.

You're asking the questions, you tell me first.

What is your name?

But you're the one cussing.

You're the one cussing.

Fuck you.

Can I please have your social security number, sir?

What'd you say?

You said it again, didn't you?

There's someone on this line here.

Is it being recorded?

Is it?

Yeah.

Is that some kind of threat there, sir?

The whole conversation's been recorded.

Oh, you know what?

If I'm recording the conversation, too, what are you going to do about it?

You're a fucking vagina.

Don't call Long Beach PD.

Do you want me to call Long Beach PD?

No, don't call the Long Beach PD.

Yeah, let me put you on hold.

I'm going to call him, okay?

Okay, you do that.

Okay, woman.

Whining like a little girl.

Who is this guy?

What a jerk, this guy.

I'm just trying to make a reservation for spaces.

You were just saying no smoking.

I went in for Long Beach PD here.

He hung up.

Did he hang up?

I think so.

I think he was wearing a bacon dress, not a bacon.

Can I help you?

Yes, I'm making a complaint here.

A gentleman just called me from this number and used very foul language with me, racist terminology, and used the F for it several times for me.

I don't know.

What number did they call you from?

I tried to find out what number it was from,

and this gentleman is refusing to give me the information.

I asked to speak to his manager immediately, and he's refusing to.

Okay.

I'm going to help you out here, partner.

Who are you calling partner?

Huh?

Who are you calling partner?

Who is this?

You said that somebody called you and crushed you off.

No, wait, wait, wait.

What did you call me the people for?

Because if somebody calls you and crushes you, I can find out who did it.

You call me the P word, sir.

Yeah, if you want, I can find out who did it.

Give me your identity immediately, sir, right now.

What is your name and your social security number?

Jack?

Jack Valente.

Jack Joush.

Roush.

Jack Joush.

Joush.

Roush.

Joush.

Roush.

station station your call partner shall be careful what's what's the number tell me sir okay i guess

to place a call press one please enter your destination number starting with the area code

followed by the pound sign on him yeah we'll do oh dude i can't i can't play it like that um

sir i wish i could enter your destination number starting with the area let's give him a call

followed by the pound sign i'm getting jacked i'm breaking myself i can't believe they taking

That's not fair, sir.

That's not right.

That is not right.

I'm going to make a bad review for you on Hotels.com for the way that you talk to me on the phone.

And we're so mean and nasty.

We're at work, partner.

Hey, look, don't call me.

You're getting too familiar with me.

If you have a plane call during the morning time when the management is in, you can complain about us all you want.

Woman, excuse me, ma'am.

Right now, we're working, and we don't need you tying up our lives.

Can I speak to an American, please?

Sir, that's it.

He's a woman.

to place a call.

He's a chicken,

chicken shit Mexican guy

who doesn't want

to face up.

It wasn't me.

Officer.

Val.

I mean, dude.

Sure, Milkman,

whatever you say, kid.

It's 12.11 a.m.

That means we got

about 15 minutes

worth of show left,

Milkman.

What?

15.15.

12.30 a.m.

We cut it off.

Just, we're gonna

pinch it off

like Milkman did today.

Oh.

Right on, buddy.

All right, let's call

geezers.

I forgot to call

geezers.

I did promise some geezers here.

I did, did.

Did some loser have any luck finding that number?

What's that, sir?

Did some loser have any luck finding that number?

Not yet.

He's still working on it.

Hollywood Vanya said he was going to be calling in tonight, and he never did.

He said he had some plans for the night or something.

A lemon slice and a Dutch oven.

Good evening.

Thank you for calling, geezers.

How are you doing tonight?

You're about as useful as a lemon slice and a Dutch oven.

Put me a man on the phone, please.

Okay.

Just one minute.

Oh, my God.

Oh, poor thing.

I feel so bad.

She's trained.

She's like, oh.

She knew exactly what to do.

It's a good woman.

Hello.

Yes, is this a man?

Pardon me?

Is this a male, a man person?

Yes.

Who's breathing like that on the phone?

I don't know.

Are you making breathing sounds?

To place a call.

Thank you, Artie.

To listen to your recorded call, press 2.

to add minutes to your

useless, turn the phone off at least

or customer service

dumbass, what'd you ruin the prank for

we're getting somewhere, that poor girl

she's like

no, yeah

aww, poor thing, I'm going to call back and apologize to her

I feel so bad

I don't know, someone said that to you

I think Chuck said that

or G-Wiz said that, mine

I used it on her and she got sad

poor thing, poor, poor girl

I want to apologize to the young lady that I spoke to earlier.

Here we go.

We got the caller ID.

Only a woman would say that on the phone.

Put a man on the phone, please.

Oh, that's me.

What can I do for you?

You don't have, you don't, you don't sound, oh, do I sound good?

Play it back since you're a woman.

You probably think it's attractive.

Hey, go ahead.

Say whatever you need to say.

I need to speak to the manager, please.

That's me.

Then if you're the manager, then how come there's no W-O in manager?

Okay, so just continue to say whatever you want to say.

Get it all out.

I don't want to say anything else.

I think, but I'm holding you responsible for the fact that there's still a hold on my debit card, sir.

And what does that mean?

Well, I went to make some spaces over there,

and the next thing I know, the person put a hold on my credit card, on my debit card,

and now i bounced my rent check and it's because of you and then i called earlier and the one the

person said um oh yeah you need to call back and talk to a man because apparently you don't

understand and this and that like she's insinuating that i'm a disgusting person and that i was a

piece of trash she said and she said we don't like your business here we don't want we don't need you

people she said you people like that so now i'm calling and i'm defending myself i'm allowed to

To defend myself, sir.

It's not illegal.

What have I done here that's so bad other than defending myself?

What would you do in my situation?

Well, I don't really know what your situation is.

I was treated very bad, and you people put an excessive hold on my debit card.

What is this?

What's going on?

What do you have me on now?

Your cell phone?

No, no, you don't.

Take me and hit the button back to make it sound normal again.

I refuse to continue the conversation until you agree to arbitration, sir.

Do it now.

Okay, well, you go ahead and do that.

No, I'm waiting for you to hit the button to make this.

If you're, you don't have my permission to do what you're doing now with the phone, sir.

Oh, sir.

To place a call, press 1.

To listen to your recorded call.

Now, you know if, like, they get a subpoena, they can do something.

No, they can't.

They can't do shit.

It's my card.

No, fuck.

They are?

Are they?

Yeah.

What did I do that was so bad?

What did I call?

I called and made a complaint?

Yeah, the cops go, oh, so what happened?

Yeah, he called to complain.

Okay.

And he was very tolerating.

That was the other place, because I used the F for the guy.

i was like gonna kick my ass yeah that was funny what'd you say what'd you say huh what'd you say

what did i say test oh man i really wanted to apologize to the chicky what do you want

microphone up yeah there we go it's been up oh has it okay dumbass i can't hear myself

you're not supposed to hear yourself turn the trim up what the fuck is a trim i'm kidding

let's get i'll give you some more um treble there we go oh you sound crappy now do i i can hear

hear myself at least a little better let me turn that down i feel better when i can hear myself

you feel better i bet you do all right everybody just not the voices exactly all right so hey

good talk dude talk feels good milkman how you feel are you feeling good how'd milkman get on

mute milkman we lost milkman what the fuck happened to him oh yeah yeah it's always something

around here okay let's do like one or two more hey tuck uh scream at me if you see milkman come

back in would you please you gotta ask him a question on the air you've had a good night

Artie has had his first cigar tonight.

Big step up for him.

Artie, you're 19 years old, isn't it?

Yeah, how did that go?

Artie, what's your review on the cigar, your first cigar ever?

Nine out of ten.

He's a fan.

He's a Stogie fan, dude.

So bad I can't smoke them in the dorm.

Dude, just smoke them.

Just smoke them.

Oh, the alarm will go off.

Yeah, you should smoke pot in the dorm.

I should just open up the window.

Yeah, just open up the window, dude.

That's all it is.

Hell yeah, that's what Windows are for, ain't it?

Yeah, Windows are for opening

Please enjoy your call tone while we connect you

You had a Dutch master

Therefore, good to letting your pot smoke

Artie, let me tell you something

That's what Windows are for

Hey, Tuck, check this out

Artie, I'm going to take you to a place over the weekend

The fuck is that?

Oh, Milkman's here

Hey, Milkman, I was calling you because you disappeared

What's the matter with you?

Milkman, Milkman

I think he's retarded

He didn't hear me, man

I think I disconnected from the server

Okay, well, you're back.

Good deal.

All right, I'm going to take you.

If you want to smoke a real cigar, I'm going to take you.

This is a place, dude, in town where we'll go.

They've got free pool tables, free darts.

They've got, you know, beers.

They've got cigars, big chairs, plasma screen TV.

There's some chicks there, but basically you can go there and hang out and smoke cigars if you want.

It's really awesome.

Hey, look, Jonathan's calling in.

Milkman, hurry up.

Jonathan is calling in.

Come on, take them to Ybor City where they roll the cigar for you by hand.

Oh, yeah, the Cubans there, I don't like that tobacco they use in Ybor City at all.

It sucks.

Jonathan, you're on the air.

What's up, stranger man?

How are we doing?

Hey, dude, what's good?

Not much.

Just enjoying the rainy weather out here.

Oh, raining up there.

That means we're probably going to get it eventually.

Crazy.

Probably so.

Yeah, is it traffic?

Is it hell on you on work since it's raining?

A lot of the raining, a lot of the rain and the driving and all that?

Yeah, I just have to be real careful.

All right, we'll do that, man.

Don't take life for granted.

It's always, my phone smells.

Yeah, when you weren't looking, I stuffed it down my pants.

Oh, it smells good then.

Anyway, so Jonathan, how's the back thing?

You said you recently had another back ache, back knee.

Yeah, I think you're much better.

Okay, good.

Good, good, Jonathan.

I'm sorry to laugh when Artie's over here making me laugh.

Jonathan, say hi to your fans and listeners

We're not going to cut you off, but I do want to make a point

As to the way that you do that

When you thank your fans and listeners

Could you do that, please?

Hi to all my fans and listeners

And I hope y'all have a safe and happy Halloween

Alright, so that's what I was thinking

You always, like, you add, like

Something about, like, the next holiday coming up

You seem to be very good at that

Do you know what else is going on on Halloween, dude?

What?

It's someone's birthday

Milkman's birthday is this Halloween

Halloween next week, we're going to be celebrating his birthday on the show.

Awesome.

So you've got to make sure you send him those cookies he's been waiting on.

Oh, I will.

All right.

Yeah, so he's a Halloween baby.

So we're going to be ringing his birthday live on the air

and see if I can send him some cookies or something,

or something tainted with botulism for him to eat live on the air,

and then he'll end up having diarrhea.

It'll be really funny.

All right.

All right, Jonathan, we're going to let you go.

We're about to end the show.

All right.

All right, dude, we're going to do one more prank.

Thanks for calling, sir.

All right.

All right, then.

Milkman, the reason I cut off on him so quick, guess what?

I just got confirmation.

We think we might have found Mr. Charlie Patton once again, dude.

Isn't that great?

All right, let's try to give that number a call.

Let's see if that works.

That would be awesome if that's the case.

We'll find out in just a moment.

Charlie Patton.

Yes, may I speak with Mr. Patton, please?

I'm speaking.

Is this Charlie Patton?

Yes.

Oh, good, sir.

I'm so happy to hear from you.

My brother, how are you feeling these days?

Have you improved at all with the medical situation?

Beg your pardon?

Have you improved at all with your medical situation?

Didn't you have cancer of the liver?

No.

This is not the, did you not have the pollen that we cured you of in the church?

It was spreading to your lymph nodes, you remember that, Mr. Patton?

That I had cancer?

You had the cancer, yeah, and I think it was syphilis or something like that.

And we put our hands on you and we blessed the water, you remember?

No, you're speaking to the wrong person.

Do you know the other Charlie Patton that's evil, that has a goatee and has problems with cancer?

No, I don't.

You're probably related to him.

Are you hiding him, sir?

Where is he?

No, I don't know.

What did you do to him?

Did you do something to him for the estate?

No, I don't know.

I'm hanging up.

You're an imposter, sir.

Okay, that's not Charlie Patton.

He sounded a lot like him, though.

This is Numerino. This is Emily. How may I help you?

This is Numerino Pizza, pasta, and more, and one bite, and we got you?

Yes, it is.

Hey, would I make an order with you for a pizza?

Okay. Are you going to come pick it up?

Is that okay? I mean, may I come in?

Yes, you can come pick it up.

Okay. Do you have a deli there?

No.

Do you have cold cuts?

Well, we have a deli sandwich.

Yeah, could you put some of that stuff on top of the pizza?

Um, what kind of stuff?

Like deli.

Like salami?

Yeah, like salamis and what kind of quesos do you have?

Uh, well, we put mozzarella.

What was that? What was that?

Mozzarella?

No, what was that noise on the phone?

Um, I don't know what you're talking about.

What number did you hit? Did you hit one of the numbers on accident?

It's okay, you can tell me.

No, no, I really didn't.

It's embarrassing. This one time I dropped the phone in the toilet when I was talking to someone about getting an interview.

And I got it out, and I didn't know that it was still working, and I was like, you know, F this, and S, and the D word, and they heard I didn't get the job.

That kind of sucks.

Yeah, dude.

And my phone smells.

It's got a smell, and it was probably from the toilet.

Probably from the toilet.

Yeah.

I don't want to get on your phone.

Hey, do you normally, do you sit on the seat if it's a public bathroom, or do you hover over it?

I'm really kind of busy right now.

No, but I need to know.

I'm studying for a part in a movie, so.

Why not?

Yes, I am.

Do you know...

I'm Ricardo Montalban.

I don't believe you.

I don't even know who that is.

Oh, my...

That's a slight...

You could at least say, oh, yeah, I like you.

This is...

You never heard of Ricardo Montalban?

That's me.

No, I'm sorry.

Oh, I was in a few commercials, and I was in the latest Star Wars movie.

The latest Star Wars movie.

Uh-huh.

And I'm on TV.

I'm on a show called Dirty Sexy Money on NBC.

Oh, congratulations.

So, do you hover when you go to make a number one in the public bathroom?

Or do you sit on the toilet seat?

Do you put toilet paper down?

I usually use a seat cover.

Oh, you just sit on it?

No, I use a seat cover.

You use a seat cover.

But what if there's none?

What if you just have either a toilet seat?

You really, really ask me some weird questions.

Do you want to order pizza?

Because I have a lot of work to do.

Okay, but the answer, if you had to go and you couldn't use a toilet, no toilet paper, no seat cover, would you sit down on it or would you just hover?

No, I wouldn't sit down on it.

You wouldn't?

because I would like to see you like your white virginal flesh sitting on the white ceramic porcelain cold toilet seat.

Okay, do you want to order?

Because I really don't want to be rude to you, but I do have work to do.

Do you get goosebumps when you have to pee and you sit in the toilet and force yourself to hold it?

Excuse me, for real.

Seriously, I'm going to hang up on you.

I'm turned on by goosebumps.

That's great.

Why don't you go find somebody who's got goosebumps right now?

I'll give them to you if I let me talk to you a little bit more.

Oh, my gosh.

I'll tell you about the...

Have a good night.

Hey, come on, let me give you some goosebumps.

Have a good night.

Bye.

She was a nice boy.

She was just a sweetheart, that girl, wasn't she?

All right, cool.

That was kind of weird.

I was going to jump in and say, yo, baby.

Yo, come on, hook my guy up here.

I mean, he's a little slow, but...

The white virgin of flesh touching the ceramic, yeah.

The porcelain.

What the hell are you doing?

Careful over there.

Already we're ending the show.

I think it's time.

Milkman, I'm sorry you came so late.

It's time.

The show is over.

I want to thank everyone who tuned in tonight.

We should do a shout-out.

Shout-out to everybody.

I'll do a shout-out real quick.

I want to say real quick, Sidekick Chuck and the Ching Chong Chang.

Sidekick Chuck's on the cam.

Chuck, do the Ching Chong dance.

Do it.

Go, Ching Chong, Ching Chong.

Do it.

There you go.

Yeah.

Awesome.

I love that dance.

All right.

We'll be on next.

Yeah, Sidekick Chuck with a Hiroshima show up next.

Hiroshima.

You ever been to one of those Hibachi Grill, like, you know, Kobe's or something like that?

No, I never have yet.

I went to one once, and the guy, he got fired.

I think he was drunk.

They do fire really big, like they make it explode.

Yeah, I've heard that.

And he said, Pearl Harbor, and he made it go up.

And I started laughing.

It was so fucked up.

There was this old guy there.

I thought it was so funny.

the old guy was like

he did it again and said okay okay

Hiroshima

Nagasaki

I used to go in there for lunch and stuff

I'm not even Japanese

he said he was Samoan he didn't like him

he had prison tattoos

on him and stuff

he hated the place

that was the last time I ever saw him

I used to laugh so much at that dude

he used to hook me up with extra

he'd give me extra shrimp and stuff

he'd give me the extra food

from the other people who never give it to them he always gave it to me because i always tip them

like eight bucks he was a good dude man that guy was funny when he did that never happened

i don't know he got fired i think it was for doing the whole nagasaki

joke or that he literally he did you know because usually they go no fire and everyone goes yeah

and they clap and he goes pro harbor i was like ah that's funny okay we gotta have a little humor

here sometimes anyway milkman uh do your uh partying shouts here real quick so we can get

Get out of here, sir, please.

All right, man.

Well, I'll tell you, it was a real pleasure.

And I'm glad to see and hear that everybody showed up.

I hope you enjoyed the show as much as we have.

Because we've had a lot of fun tonight.

I'd like to thank the special guest tonight, Mr. Lowe, the loser.

That's right.

The numbers hit, man.

Everybody, hold your hands high for the man with the deadly fingers.

Mr. Lowe, the loser.

That's right.

Thank you, little friend, Ted Webb, Webb, Webb, Webb, Ted, W.W. Webb, Mr. Webb, also like to thank our friend, Sir Nunez, that's right, our representative over there in the U.K., and Mr. Tuck, Tuck, Tuck, that's right, better known as Tug, right here, the big Tug, there's our big Tug, I took a big Tug, all our friends joined in there, GTTA, good to see you, man, MSP, Freakway, Maven, Star, hey, man, thanks a lot, guys, good to see you guys back in there,

So, Caney, man, our newsman, he represents the Madhouse well.

All you guys out there, check out the Madhouse Commission.

Call up to Generalissimo.

Send him a message there and see what kind of services that you might provide to the Madhouse.

Because we love you.

You know what?

We just do it all for you.

The most interactive show that you can possibly tune into and join into.

We got the dime.

We just ask that you give us a little time and share a laugh with a partner or an enemy.

me you little wonder welcome here we love you but what do we do without our fearless leader

of the madhouse the generalissimo the leader of the madhouse militia

my big brother oh yeah thank you already for joining us

all right thank you milkman that is everything that i can say you know what i mean he said it

all of course my own thanks to lonesome loser kokanee for sending in new stuff new news well

out there looking out for us sending in some ideas always good we didn't get to call the uk

tonight uh milkman uh next week or maybe you know what you know what hey hey milkman i i got to see

uh obama was here in orlando this week and uh i'm gonna get to see also here yeah he did a rally

40 000 people downtown orlando get this also uh saturday within walking distance of my house uh

Joe Biden's going to be making a speech.

I'm invited.

I got my invite already, man.

I got an RSVP tonight before I go to sleep.

So, yeah, I will be seeing him.

Look, old man on the cane coming to town.

He was in Daytona Beach today, actually, as a matter of fact.

Him and Charlie Crist.

Wow.

The gay governor.

You're giving to Derek, Al.

Exactly.

I'm going to be pushing.

Right.

Okay.

Where's my page?

All right.

Good deal.

All right.

We're out of here, folks.

folks. Thank you very much for listening.

We'll catch you all next week.

MadhouseLife.com is the site.

Thank you, Artie.

Hold up. Almost forgot. Thanks to Tuck for showing up

also, man. Everyone visit Tuckermike.com.

Tuckermike. Tuckermike.

Tuckermike.com.

Good.

Get your pencils ready.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday

nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you. Fuck you fucking penis shit.

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Calls (22, 57 min of 1 h 58 min)

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