2008-10-25 Show

But you just said, God damn you, hillbillies.

Okay, what's number two?

Four, four, four, four?

Who the fuck is this?

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

Who the fuck is this?

October 25th, 2008, Saturday at 4.20pm.

This is Happy Days Restaurant.

I'm speaking, can I help you?

Beautiful afternoon to you, ma'am.

What was your name again?

Pam.

Pang.

Pam.

Hello.

Do we have a good connection?

Are we going to have trouble with the telephone?

I called in last week twice, and anything that happened,

I just know that someone would disconnect the phone on me,

and I was asking normalized questions.

There was nothing odd about what I was asking.

Over there, do you have cloth napkins or paper napkins?

We have paper napkins.

Okay.

I was thinking of bringing in my own silverware.

Would that be offensive?

And only cloth napkins?

Would that cause an issue?

I just want to make sure that there's no offense on you.

Are you the owner?

I don't know this.

Who is in charge?

You know, I just work here.

Well, you don't think anybody would do that?

The owner is not in today, and the manager is not in today.

Do you have the claw game there?

I have a what?

Do you have the claw game?

No, we don't.

Do you know what I mean by the claw game?

Have you ever played the claw game?

No, I haven't.

This is a big box game machine, and inside there's little bears and stuff,

and there's this big claw and you go do like that and you hit the button we don't have that here

you know what i'm talking about though yeah but we don't have that here this is a gas station

that's my favorite game is the claw game it's a very um did you know that claw games make for

every dollar that you invest in it do you know it can produce up to five dollars and 28 cents

in revenue no i do not would you be interested in renting or purchasing a claw game from us

You have to call back on Monday morning and speak with our manager.

It includes free refills and maintenance for three months, and you can choose to extend that.

I cannot approve any of that, sir.

You have to call back on Monday morning and speak with our manager.

I put a snake inside the claw game once, and I put a rat inside, and the snake fought the rat.

Yep.

Makeup next.

Ninja Pirate.

Ninja Pirate comic books, games, cards.

In Fluggerville, Texas.

Thank you.

I was just purely getting phone calls today.

Thank you.

Ninja Pirate, this is Amira.

Ninja Pirate, you said, right?

Mm-hmm.

Ninja Pirate, Ninja Pirate.

Let me think here.

Do you guys carry the City of Heroes comic book there?

Or do you know what I'm talking about?

Was it a recent comic or an older comic?

Maybe it's something like that, yeah.

Pretty much.

Okay.

Yep.

Uh-huh.

Is it recent, or...?

Pretty much, yeah.

Okay, City of Heroes?

No, yeah, City of Heroes.

Okay, hold on.

Of Heroes.

Hello?

I don't know what to do with this woman.

Is it a woman or a man?

Let's ask when we come next, when we come back.

A woman, maybe?

It sounds busy there.

Maybe they're playing Magic the Gathering tonight?

It's a weekend, big night for Magic the Gathering.

Yeah, Magic is going on, yeah.

Hello?

Yes, hello, is it a big night for Magic the Gathering?

Is tonight the big night for Magic the Gathering?

Yes.

No, sir, that's Friday.

What do you do on Saturday nights, young man?

Saturday nights, we do RPGs.

Ooh, like Vampire the Gathering?

We do stuff like Dungeons & Dragons, Masterminds, Dark Heresy.

What can I get into? What's fun, sir?

I want to spend a little bit of money and get a starter deck or something and get into it.

I want to get in the thing. I want to play games.

Like, with people outside of the house.

Hold on one second.

What's cool, man?

All right, we're going to find out what's cool.

They got different departments here.

This is the recruiting department we're going to now.

Hello?

How dare you push buttons on me?

Hello?

Place a call.

Press 1.

To play Jesus and Magic the Gathering.

Jesus and Magic the Gathering.

If it's to play Jesus and Magic the Gathering?

Yeah.

It's cards.

You can't.

Yeah, sorry, I got disconnected.

What kind of way is this of doing business, sir?

Excuse me?

What kind of way is this to do the business, sir?

The phone guy could disconnect, sir.

Someone pressed a button, too.

No.

Someone pressed, I think it was the number nine, and then it went out.

I apologize for the inconvenience.

All right.

So you're wanting a card game?

I want whatever's, like, the most fun with most people, like-minded people.

Then I would recommend getting into Yu-Gi-Oh's, which starts Saturday at about a clock.

I'm not a kid, sir. I'm not a kid.

Oh, come on. I want something that's not going to be like that.

I don't want Disney or Japan.

Dungeons and Dragons.

I was thinking of having a character who was like a priest that fell,

and now he's a thief and a sodomer.

anybody who's playing D&D's in?

The Sodomist Priest.

That's the class.

Can you pick your own classes?

Yeah, you can pick your own classes.

Sodomist Priest.

I think that's more along the lines I'd like to go.

Okay.

Do I actually draw the picture of them also to explain?

No, not most of the time.

No.

I can, though, right?

If you want.

Yeah.

It's a really wide-based game.

You can do a lot of stuff in it.

and that's why most people love RPGs.

Yeah, I definitely think I'll go along with the Sodom is Priest thing.

Now, which book would I have to buy?

Like, how many books of details, and how do I purchase upgrades?

You don't purchase upgrades, you earn them as you go.

Like, throughout the game, you get experience points.

Now, can I buy the upgrades?

Can I buy the upgrades?

No, sir, you can't buy upgrades.

Now, what would make me say,

Say, I'm going to give everyone here $50, and I'm going to now be...

What's the first important upgrade I should make as the priest?

I also have no clue, because I'm not one of the RPG guys.

We have different employees for each individual thing.

Well, put someone on there who knows about this game,

because I would like to know, like, if I want to get Religion 2 instead of Religion 1,

I would like to think that I could maybe just pay a few dollars and, you know,

know, be able to pass all that, more of like a VIP kind of, kind of, you know, card.

Commonly, that's not accepted throughout most RPGs.

But who's going to know?

I don't actually think I've ever met someone that has been able to do that.

Who's going to know, baby?

No one's going to know?

Is it going to be between me and the Game Master?

Yeah, well, usually the Game Master's don't go for that.

Put me one of those men there that deals with the Dungeons and Dragons and...

No one's on the clock right now, sir.

is there anybody there who can answer

it's a more

I'm not the only employee on right now

I talked to a person that sounded like a man

and a woman at the same time

who was that

but it's true I did

who was that do you remember hearing that talk

that thing was like

place a call press 1

to listen to your recorded call

I'll have to call there later and block

the numbers or something different

instead of the

studio line

so yeah

I walked in

one of those

shops once

and they were

playing

whatever they were

playing

and they were

and they started

this whole argument

about it being

ethical

whether or not

to play Jesus

for their game

oh god

it's a big huge

argument about

playing Jesus

oh yeah

that's the kind

of shit you are

because Jesus

can do anything

over here

when you walk in there

yeah because

what if like

I shouldn't make

a public announcement

announcement that i have created a character for dungeons and dragons who's the most powerful ever

and he's jesus and see if i get someone to try to beat that out and then someone else will just

create god you know i don't think there's not like a confederation of dungeons and dragons

is there wouldn't that be cool like if you know every character was recognized is that how it is

is your character recognized universally like could you take your character and move them over

to someone else's game yeah you could but yeah you know it's just you know within a little group

and no matter i i guess you can like log it into like a universal log or what's i i mean this is

something i know nothing about but maybe there's like guilds and they have characters and maybe

you could copyright your character like anything else for those things i don't know it's an

interesting thought though looking to it yeah another one just keep places cool dude well hey

Hey, if anyone knows about that, let me know.

Also, what's going on with the World Series?

Isn't that today, the first game?

I think it is today, right?

I think it is today.

I'm a dork.

I know nothing about sports.

You're a Dungeons & Dragons dork.

I'm over here teaching myself animation, actually.

This is dorky enough.

Yeah.

Hey, I just wanted to let you all know that this is going to be the last Saturday afternoon show

because I picked up a new shift at work.

I'm going to have Mondays and Sunday and Monday off instead of Saturday and Sunday.

so i can do a show on saturday but it would be late it would have to be a night show and i wouldn't

be against that because technically that would be my friday that'd be kind of cool the only problem

being is i think there's already i mean you got the ford show and the hook nose show already on

syndicate so maybe if one of them one day or something yeah if someone if they one of them

goes to the other channel one day not other channel if one of them moves to a different

different spot or something for reasons of the same then there you go maybe i will come back

on a saturday maybe i might do a monday night show that might be cool monday nights or monday

afternoons monday would be cool sunday would be cool too if you went around sunday you know what

you know what this is a blessing in disguise because now you know we say the big thing about

the saturday show is because oh there's business open saturday afternoon that's why we do this show

it's kind of it's been kind of fun well i'm presuming monday being the busiest work day of

the of the week that we're going to get even better responses on mondays when we call stores

and businesses and maybe we can call people yeah and monday everyone's all miserable at work on

monday you know what son of a bitch we need to do a monday monday dude hey let's do a monday

morning show let's do a monday morning show yeah you want to do like a monday morning show

yeah like a wacky zany prank call morning show on mondays dude to cheer everybody up on monday

and the first day of the week.

We should fucking do that.

Let's do that.

Matter of fact, let's do that.

Like how early are we talking about?

I don't know.

What time?

What would be a good time?

Maybe an afternoon show.

Mid-afternoon, mid-morning.

Artie says noon.

Maybe noon would work.

11 o'clock-ish.

Maybe a noon show.

Noon would be good.

Noon would work.

Because it's 9 a.m. on the West Coast

and it's the lunchtime at the...

Yeah, so the restaurants are going to be busy.

You get the lunch time, and you're not as busy as you are in the morning or trying to get out.

No, no, no, but restaurants are going to be super busy.

Restaurants will be super busy at noon.

That'll be funny to prank them.

Oh, lunch rush.

Oh, yeah, because that's the lunch rush.

They call you when you're on the rush hour.

Yeah.

They want to get off and fun as quick as they can.

Exactly.

There you go.

I used to do that, actually.

I used to do a lot of prank calls at lunch time.

So, yeah, it's a good idea.

That's a great idea.

And Blitzkrieg says I need to get somebody who's got a bad case of the Mondays

from the Office Space movie, you know?

Office Space, fun movie.

Yeah, hey, that's a good idea, Blitzkrieg.

You know what?

I think I'll make that.

I think we might do this.

Is it Paula Poundstone?

Yeah.

No, it wasn't Paula Poundstone.

Oh, Paula Poundstone has beef with Mondays?

Is that what her problem is?

It was.

All right, hey, guys, I've got to play something long.

I've got to take care of some business real quick.

Let's see here.

What can I play that's Madhouse-related?

Business that's been going in and out of our little room business?

Yeah, for a few minutes here.

So let me go ahead and do this here real quick.

There's got to be something I can play.

I saw a prank here.

That's something from Thursday.

From Thursday?

That's a good idea.

I don't think there are any pranks from Thursday up at all.

I don't think Hollywood's added to them yet.

I don't know.

I'm asking you.

I'm looking.

Then whatever you got.

No, nothing from Thursday.

Nothing from Thursday.

If I can find something long that I can play.

Rather, I can't right now.

That's interesting.

Let me play some music and I'll find something.

During the day.

Okay.

Well, what position do you have at the store today?

A night manager.

Okay.

Maybe you can help me out with this.

All right.

This is going to sound kind of crazy, but I've been calling different places and nothing

will let me do it.

All right.

So, my uncle, he's in prison right now.

They're planning an execution for next Saturday.

And his father-in-law, he wanted to be a burger head because he loves hamburgers and stuff.

up and he said they had some of the best burgers so he's only in there for well they charged him

with uh accidental homicide what happened was he shot at a guy and the guy got scared and ran

and got hit by a car and they blamed it on him so you know he wants to know well actually i want to

know so i can let the jailhouse and everything know if you've been okay for him to come in there

sit down you know have a couple burgers and get his cholesterol going and maybe he'll die from

from the cholesterol before he had to go for the injection.

Do you think that's a possibility?

I have no idea.

You would have to call the owner.

I mean, he won't try to kill nobody in the store.

Well, I don't know.

His bipolar might come in if he gets the wrong kind of ketchup.

He has a thing for hunts instead of hunts.

I don't know what the difference is, but, you know.

Well, you'd have to talk to the owner, and she's the one that makes the decision.

As a matter of fact, if you want to, you know, I can, like, have you.

I can call him.

Y'all can talk, maybe work out a deal or something like that.

I don't know.

Um, if you wanted to hear her, she's working in the morning.

She's working in the morning?

She's calling in the morning.

You know what, if that would not work out, I think he would appreciate it if, like, the whole staff came down there and saw him at the jail, you know,

and at least ate a burger in front of his face so he can kind of taste it in his mouth a little bit.

I can't make that decision.

I'm trying to make my uncle's last meal something good, you know what I'm saying?

I know.

No, I don't want, he don't want no, you know, he don't want no S-car snow, he don't want no, uh, valet, minion, you know, he wants some burger hood.

Yeah, I know, um, but there's, I can't make the decision, though.

Well, can you write him, like, you know, like, kind of take a hamburger and smear it on the paper so it smells like a burger, like a scratch and sniff?

I don't know if I could do that.

I have a question, I don't, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, I have a question, why are you laughing?

I don't know, I just, uh.

No, ma'am, no, uh-uh, ma'am, no.

You do not laugh at a customer.

No, I'm just...

No, you know, my uncle's about to die.

You don't show him the phone and laugh.

I know, I know.

No, this is some serious stuff.

I know the term scratch and sniff makes him laugh a little bit,

but please don't laugh, okay?

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, it's too late for apologies.

See, people like you are the same ones that made my uncle do this.

People like you.

Some man laughed at him at the shoe store

for him buying a pair of shoes too small and walking funny,

and he don't shoot the guy he didn't hit the guy he ran in front of the car the car hit the man

they blame my uncle for killing him yeah justice is terrible these these days people just uh get

the wrong idea you got a wrong idea about me no no no no no no no see you got a wrong idea about

me this is some serious stuff this is i r o u yellow serious this is serious stuff and i don't

appreciate you laughing i'm sorry i don't know what else you want me to tell you i'm trying

to figure this stuff out now can you please go in the office and grab the i said to listen early

to your customer i'm sure there's one in there i don't have an office an employee here i don't

make the decisions well you're a manager so therefore you have some kind of authority

i mean i just don't appreciate you sitting on the phone laughing well my uncle about to die

About your uncle, and I'm sorry about the justice system.

All it is is a white man trying to pull a black man down.

This is some Rodney King type stuff.

I'm sorry.

Say you're sorry.

There's nothing I can do.

Yes, there is. There's a lot of stuff you can do.

There really is a lot of stuff you can do.

First of all, you can start by not laughing no more.

And second of all, you can start by actually sounding like you care about what I'm talking about.

Have I laughed in the last two minutes?

Matter of fact, you have. You smirked.

No, I haven't.

I'm sure you've been smiling, smirking, giggling, whatever you white people do.

I don't appreciate it.

See, now, you're being prejudiced against us, and how do you know if I'm white or not?

Tell your wife.

I could be Mexican, or I could be black.

You're not Mexican.

If you're, you know, Mexican, sleep at nighttime, can't wake up early in the morning, pick oranges,

and you're not Mexican.

How do you know I'm not black?

If you're black, you would relate to me on the Rodney King situation.

Hmm.

That's exactly what.

Well, you're wrong about that.

What are you, a white?

White devil face.

Hey, you did this, America.

I blame you for killing another black man.

It's your fault.

This NAACP, they ain't helping with nothing.

You know what?

Malcolm Hicks was right.

We should go to beat all, beat everybody,

and make y'all go outside and pick cotton for us and water for us,

and maybe then you'll recognize something.

Okay, you're right.

You know I'm right.

You're right.

You better realize, recognize the kind of stuff I'm talking to you about right now

because people like you are killing my uncle.

I'm really sorry about your uncle.

Yeah, you don't sound...

I am. No, I am.

Sorry about your uncle.

What if it was your uncle? Were you telling me to laugh about it?

Five years ago. So, I know how it feels when part of your family...

Okay, okay, well, um, ma'am, uh, you were laughing at me, so apparently I...

You don't want no sympathy from me. I mean, so...

Well, I thought it was a joke at first.

Uh, no, this is serious, isn't it?

Why would you call Bernadette saying that kind of stuff?

I told you from the get-go. I told you from the get-go this is some serious stuff and you had to go and laugh.

Well, I thought...

We're waiting, I guess, that thing for cholesterol.

I love y'all burgers oh so much.

So, that's the reason why.

You ever thought about that one?

Just, you know...

Well, you know, it's people's choice to eat food.

It's not my choice.

You know what?

As a matter of fact, I just had a thought.

I mean, a thought.

Matter of fact, what I think is, if this whole lethal injection thing wanted to kill them, Burger Hut would have done it.

Well, that's what fast is.

It's full of grease.

Why are you going to say...

No, no, and since it's so full of grease, you're going to say that your food is too good for my uncle who's on death row to eat?

You know what? It's a decision to eat fast food and get big and have cholesterol.

I have a question. Do you smoke cocaine?

They know it.

I'm kind of funny.

You okay?

Are you under the influence at work?

Oh, what?

Oh, good. Like, you kind of, you know, a little bit.

Well, no, I'm not.

Okay.

I have a question. Do you mind if I come down there and talk to you?

Well, actually, I...

You're too close.

...to you on after...

I'll admit it from the phone, then.

The business is done.

Let's do some more prank calls here.

We've got a lot more numbers here to do.

We're going in order.

Saturday style prank calls.

So we've done two so far.

We've called Happy Days and we've called Ninja Pirate.

I'm marking Ninja Pirate for a call back here within the next 30 minutes.

Tuck, try to remind me of that if you could, please.

Put that on the board.

If you don't mind.

Thank you.

Ninja Pirate.

You know what?

I'm going to miss the Saturday nights.

But one thing I did do for the last, since January, I stopped.

I've only been buying, like, natural light for beer, you know, beer drinking purposes at home.

And I finally went out and bought a Miller Lite, which is a Miller Lite's a little step up.

You know what?

You can taste the difference.

Natural light is pretty good for what it costs, and it will get you drunk.

But these Miller Lites, man, I'm telling you, you can afford it.

Pay the extra four bucks, everybody, for that six-pack and get yourself a Miller Lite.

Miller Lite is the sponsor of the first 15 minutes of the show.

MillerLite.com.

That's L-I-T-E.

No G-H-T in my light beer.

Okay.

That's much for the Olympics.

Yeah.

What are we doing now?

Prank calls?

Bowser wiser.

Bowser wowser.

Bowser wiser, I guess.

Gifts for pets and pet lovers.

Let's do that, everybody.

Yes, hello.

I'm looking for a gift for my little baby Lizzy Poo.

How may we help you?

Well, what do you have there for my little baby Lizzy Poo?

It's her third anniversary of us adopting her here,

and we wanted to get something special that would be also utilitarianist.

What kind of gift would you suggest for a mocha-colored bitch?

It's a female dog, you know, and it's Lizzy Poo.

I can't quite hear you, sir.

I have a three-year-old toy poodle bitch named Lizzy Poo.

Well, I see a doggie shop anymore.

It's Shoe Turner, and they just have ladies.

You mean they got bought out by Ted Turner?

Yeah.

Ted Turner, you say?

Yes, but Shoe Turner, he comes from Europe.

Yeah, Ted Turner's a big guy.

He owns TBS and the Braves, and he owned the 96 Olympics.

Wow.

Wow, so you guys sold out and I can't get anything for my toy poodle bitch Lizzy Poo now, huh?

I'm sorry, you're going to have to go to the doggy store.

What if we got something from your store?

What do you have that might work?

Let's be inventive.

I really don't have anything.

I would suggest you go online.

Hey, brother.

I think it's hard to me.

Brother, listen, brother.

brother so did you used to do you used to do the the pet stuff before yes sir so come on let's

did you ever see the movie um kill bill where she went back and talked to the guy hatara honzo

and he was like oh i'm retired i don't make ninja swords anymore and then she said well i'm the

woman and he was like okay no problem and he made the best one ever the hatara honzi that's what you

What do you need to do here for Lizzy Poole?

You need to come out of retirement for one last time

and make your most beautiful life art.

I wish I could make that decision.

Master Honzo, please.

I beg you, Master Honzo, come back.

Because I know in the Kansas City area,

they have a terrific doggy shop,

but I don't know the name of it to help you out.

Do you have anything that can make it to a skirt out of tulle?

I just really don't have anything like that.

So why did you stop making stuff for animals?

I'm not the president.

I'm just the peon, and I don't make the decisions.

So what do you do?

Do you use your hands there, or what do you do?

Well, I'm just a little cashier here.

Oh, it's an actual, you're the cashier?

Yeah.

That place is that busy, really?

Yeah.

Wow.

Are you in like a tourist stop area?

I don't want to cut you off, but I've got a customer here right now.

Oh, please.

Please, I know that you guys probably see a customer every hour, and that's it, right?

Be honest.

You see like a customer from Hawaii and all over the world.

You get like one customer an hour, though, I bet, right?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, that's not bad.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm not too impressed.

I really have to go.

Shame on you for doing this to my little bitch Lizzy Poo.

Okay, you have a pleasant weekend, though.

You, sir, feel shame this weekend.

Okay.

Shame on you.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

All right, that's a wrap.

To place a call.

That was all for my little bitch, Lizzy Poo.

Thank you.

Looks like your little bitch ain't getting nothing.

Nope.

Story of my life.

Nah, this one's not coming in.

Bastard.

This is the Rockin' Horse Dance Barn.

Good evening, Rockin' Horse Dance Barn.

Hello.

It's the Rockin' Horse Dance Barn.

Hi, sounds like you have the phone in your bosom.

Are you there?

I'm here.

Okay, is it a good phone they have?

Brand new.

Oh, yeah, was it from, was it one of those Delco brands?

Well, just a second.

Let me look at it.

Sonic.

That's pretty good.

That's a good brand.

Yep.

That's not Korean, right?

No, that's an American brand, Panasonic, right?

Yeah.

No one else has ever said they couldn't hear on it, so.

Yeah.

It sounds a little far away is what I'm asking.

I thought maybe you got maybe one that was, you know.

Well, I'm in China right now.

Maybe that would help.

That's not funny.

What's your name?

Let me write that down.

Dave.

Yeah.

What's your name?

What's your position there?

Who are you?

I'm a secret shopper.

What's your position there?

See, depends on what day of the week.

I've already, sir, I've already graded you on the opening.

Okay.

You've got a poor.

Okay.

All right.

We have three other categories to go.

Now, this is between me and you.

You screw this up, and I don't have to explain what's going to happen if your valuation comes on low.

If what?

Okay.

All right.

So you've got a poor already.

Okay.

On the greeting.

And that was because you couldn't hear me or what?

Because you were messing around on the phone and you made a bad joke, a dirty joke.

Okay.

Okay, well, you know what?

I don't appreciate that.

I'm trying to be serious.

This is a serious business.

Okay, let's start over.

All right.

I'm the owner of the business, and you're calling at 9 o'clock in the evening,

and I would like to know who you are.

If you're seriously calling about a serious conversation, let's move to it.

If not, if you're joking around, you're one of my friends, let's figure out what's going on.

All right, sir, take it easy.

Take it easy, okay?

My name is Jack Valenti.

All right, I'm calling from Quality Control.

We had a complaint about the service at Rocking Horse Dance Barn, and we're calling in to rate you.

If you get two bad ratings in a row, we're going to inform the local chamber of commerce, and they're going to pull your liquor license.

We don't sell liquor.

Don't sell liquor.

We'll continue that prank call in just a moment.

Now a live one.

Hello, Yang Ming.

How may I help you?

Yes, I'm pulling your liquor license.

I'm sorry, say it again?

I'm pulling your bloody bollocks liquor license.

You dialed the wrong number.

No, this is the Yang Ming Chinese restaurant, right?

Yes.

I'm going to pull all your licenses, your liquor, your food license, your water license.

I'm going to pull them all.

I'm sorry.

I hurt myself in the gums when I ate a piece of food from your place.

And I'm going to pull all your license.

You have no more license, lady.

Okay.

Our manager's not here right now.

Go.

I want you to go.

Listen, listen to me.

Can you?

Listen.

I'm sorry?

Listen, woman.

I want you to go to the wall and rip down all the licenses right now from the wall.

Okay, I'll transfer you to my manager, okay?

Hurry up.

Make it so.

I thought she was transferring me.

What a bitch.

I'm going to call her back and let her know.

Yeah, the transfer didn't go through.

I didn't see it.

We'll wait for that to come back.

Any second now.

To place a call, press 1.

Please enter your destination number.

Young man, may I help you?

You people are so stupid, you don't even know how to transfer the phone right.

She hung up after she said she was transferring me.

What would you like, sir?

Maybe if you people come to this country, you should speak the language and know how to work the telephone machine.

I'm going to pull your license right now, sir, your phone license.

I'm pulling it.

Okay.

Don't let me catch you ever again taking a phone order.

I'm going to make sure no more phone orders, no more for you, no more.

I don't understand what you're talking about.

You're going to do walk-in only from now on, sir.

I'm pulling your phone machine license away.

Hold on a second.

Put it on the thing.

Put it on the thing, caller.

Okay, thank you.

I heard him saying ID, caller.

What did he say?

Put it on the thing, ID, caller, license.

I think that's right.

He said something weird in the background there.

Bastard.

Next question.

Whatever it is that you have there that makes you money,

we're going to pull it, sir.

We're going to shut you down any way we can.

You know what?

Because we're sick and tired of the bad services that have been going on here.

I don't even know who you are or what you're talking about.

I've been in business 19 years, and I don't know what you're talking about.

We got a complaint from one of the county commissioners about the level of service here.

Repeated complaints and other complaints about problems,

refusals of service for reasons other than that there's a right for.

Because you have a right to refuse service, but not for people who are handicapped, sir.

We've never refused service to any customer, ever.

So, no, you didn't refuse service to a gentleman who has infallacy.

That has what?

Infallacy.

No, what is that?

He suffers from infallacy.

What is that?

It's a medical condition, sir.

I don't have to get into the gentleman's personal private parts, personal private life, medical history on the phone.

We have never refused service to anyone in 19 years of business.

Who hasn't, because he has otherwise here in this fax and it's notarized.

Infallacy, sir.

Okay, well, we're doing a phone conversation over material that I can't look at or know what you're talking about.

I'm going to send it to you in a moment, sir.

I'm just trying to, you know, and I told you already, you've got to pour out right in the greeting,

and right now you're at a fair as far as your competency is, okay?

Okay, so you say you're the owner of the building now?

Yes.

You're the owner of the building?

Yes.

You're the super?

You bet.

Okay, and your name is?

Dave.

D-A-V like Victor, E like Echo.

Correct.

Okay, and you've been in business for 12 years.

I said 19, so now you lose a point.

Okay, you know what?

You're a poor now for the attitude, sir.

This is a level two call now.

You're one strike away, sir.

You're one strike away from getting shut down.

Okay.

The mayor is taking this very seriously.

All right, so your name?

Jack Valente.

Okay, Jack Valente.

Okay.

And the company you said was what?

I need your social security number, please.

Oh, yeah, like that's going to happen.

Well, what's your business ID, your tax ID?

That's not happening either.

Your FIN?

What's the name of my business?

The Rockin' Horse Dance Barn, Inc.

Yeah, the Rockin' Horse Dance Barn, Inc.

Do you know how long that business has been in existence?

Exactly.

How long?

19 years, you said.

No.

You don't even have your information correct.

Sir, do I need to send you this fax right now?

Yeah, apparently.

Do you have a fax machine?

Do you have a fax number I can send it to?

Yeah, it's the same number you called, but I'm not going out to my office at 9 o'clock at night.

Oh, my God.

You've got to work with me, man.

You've got to freaking work with me here, Dave.

I mean, come on, man.

I'm trying to help you out.

I don't know how you're figuring.

You're not even doing business hours of a quality.

What was the name of it again?

I mean, I try everything I can.

You know Walmart's moving in again?

Walmart's trying to make a move.

All these businesses are like, you're going to be out, brother.

I hate to report this, sir, but you got a minus one.

That's it, man.

It's over.

All right.

I'm going to fax you the complaint.

And you swear to God you never discriminated against a man with infallacy ever.

No.

And the Rock and Horse Dance Barn, Inc. has been in business for two days.

Two days is exactly what I have here.

It just went through the steps right now for incorporation.

I have it right here.

So how in the world could I have refused service to someone in two days?

Sir, I don't need to get into the details of this personal private information of the gentleman who made the complaint.

But it's a sick state of affairs in this town that they will let someone like you operate like this

and judge against someone who just has infallacy.

It's bad.

Shame.

Shame on you.

Shame.

Here we go.

Is this the ProvoCon?

Hello, woman.

Hello.

Hello, woman.

Is this the ProvoCon?

That sounds like a transformer.

It sounds like a transformer, ProvoCon.

I want you to take off your panties.

I want you to take off those panties.

Hello.

Yes, where are your panties?

Where do you want them?

Your panties.

I want your panties.

Stop playing.

Your panties in my mouth.

Please give me them.

There you go.

That was fun.

I want her panties, everybody.

Let's try to call her again about her panties.

Panties.

You know, this conversation does not sound like it's coming from a professional.

Sir, listen.

The fax number is the same number I dialed right now, right?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

I'm going to send the fax right now.

Okay.

I hope you're not infallible.

Why don't you take the fax?

Hello?

Is this the ProvoCon?

Hello?

Yes, ma'am, have you started yet to remove your panties?

Yes, I need some panties, please.

Okay.

I need to make an order.

Damn it, I wanted to talk to Jose.

All right, let's call a different place and ask him about that, about panties.

We're going to call Angie's Island Grill in Philadelphia, home of the Phillies.

Ball it up into a ball.

to place a call to listen to your recorded uh-huh and you say look at me i'm a pretty girl

yeah you know what you're out of a job and i'm not gonna rest until you're out of this town sir

well that sounds good what town am i in renton you're a sick person no we're not in renton

well you got annexed no you got annexed you son of a bitch we're in bellevue you're annexed into

Yes, hello, I was asking about Angie's Panties.

Pardon me?

I was calling about Angie's Panties, please.

I'd like to make an order for that, if I could.

Panties?

Panties.

Can you call back in the next 15 minutes, please?

It's on the menu here for an order.

It's called Angie's Panties.

Angie's Panties?

It's like a food, a special hamburger called Angie's Panties.

No, we don't do that.

Do you have any panties there at all?

Nothing like the panties?

No.

What about knickers?

Do they have knickers?

No.

When am I going to be asking about panties?

Panties.

All righty.

Who's next here, man?

I saw Jill Biden this morning, Jill Biden's wife.

And I didn't vote.

I said I was going to vote.

I'm going to vote Monday.

They don't do, apparently Lizzie was making a good point.

They don't do panties at that place.

Apparently they don't.

They don't do that thing there.

They don't make, they're commando only.

Let me call them back and ask them about that.

It says right here through your registration, sir.

Nope, that's not even my paperwork.

Look, here's the facts again.

Sounds like a fallacy.

Sir, I am the person who's in phallus.

There's only three people in this world who are in phallus.

Okay.

Me, Jack Valenti, God, and George W. Bush.

Right.

All in phallus.

Okay.

And you know what I say?

And you got refused service.

You know what?

Your mother is embarrassed of you.

Uh-huh.

Thank you, sir.

I'm girl.

Yes, I need to make an order for pickup, please.

Go ahead.

I need one cheeseburger.

We do not sell those, sir.

Well, what kind of, do you have scent like grilled chicken?

Pardon me?

Do you have chicken?

We have jerk chicken, stew chicken, curry chicken.

Well, can we do...

Pepper stick, hot tail, curry ghost.

Shut up.

Will we do the chicken, please?

Oh, please.

I'm telling you what we have.

Don't tell me to shut up.

Can I please have some jerky chicken?

Hello?

Mrs. Jamaican lady.

Go on.

Come on, give me some jerky chicken.

Will you at least hang up the phone?

If you don't hang up the phone, no one else can call in and make phone orders for hamburgers.

Are we just going to sit here a long time?

All right.

I guess you win, Jamaica lady.

I'll talk to you later.

Bye.

I don't know what happened to me there.

I just lost it.

I had a reclude moment there for a second.

I told her to shut up.

She got mad.

Told me herself.

Okay.

Well, that sounds like fun.

Shame on you.

Shame on me.

And so when did this refusal of service come into play?

I told you it's private property, private matter, private parts matter.

Well, it can't be if it's going to go to, you know, kind of a legal document.

Are you taking a grunt or something right now?

No, I was being phallused.

It sounds like you're just pushing one out.

Yeah, I was just being phallused.

I can't stand this anymore.

I just don't know where I'm going, man.

Yeah, well, when you get the documents.

I don't know where I'm going up, going down.

I just wake up in the morning, I hate myself so much.

Yeah.

You know what I like doing now?

Well, I think it's fun when I take a shower.

Uh-huh.

I actually do the number two while I'm standing up in the shower.

And I pick it up, and I put it in the toilet, and I flush the toilet.

And so that's being in phallus.

Do you ever mash it in the grate with your feet?

Well, I think that would be a personal question I don't need to answer.

You sure about that?

Yeah.

Do you wash your hands after you use the bathroom?

Nope.

Ah, you know what, sir?

I got you on tape, and you serve.

Yes, thank you.

I'm good.

Hey, how are you?

Is this Young's Restaurant?

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, do you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom?

Excuse me?

Do you people wash your hands after you go to the bathroom?

Yeah.

Every time?

Uh, we don't really.

Checking the logs.

She's starting to shred the files over there.

Hello.

Ni hao ma.

What's calling?

Ni hao ma.

Yes.

Do you people wash your hands whenever you go to the bathroom?

What's calling?

This is Constable Lewis,

and I'm with the National Association of Hand Washing Signs

in the bathroom that you must put up by law.

This is a Korean restaurant.

I know.

I went to the Korean restaurant.

I went there, and in the bathroom, it doesn't have a sign that says,

Every Korean must wash their face and hands and armpits after they go to the bathroom.

Oh, yeah.

And you didn't have a sign in there.

So how do we know that you people, when you go pee-pee, that you wash your hands?

Do you wash your hands?

I have proof that you don't wash your hands after you go pee-pee in the bathroom.

Who didn't do that?

Who didn't wash their hands?

Tell me who it is, and I won't report you.

I'll just take care of them.

I don't know this person.

Who's the man over there who went pee-pee in the bathroom

and didn't wash hands after?

What's his name?

Wash your hands sign?

Give me the name of the man who didn't wash his hands

after he went pee-pee in the bathroom.

I'm not joking anymore.

You will give me the name of this person

or I will take your command codes away from you.

Who did it?

Tell me now.

How many people did you hand wash?

Washing?

There's one man who works there who makes the chickens,

and he did not wash his hands after he did a pee-pee.

Who is that man?

I don't understand.

So, do you wash, did you wash your hands, was it you?

Did you wash your hands?

Ask who was the man that's there that didn't wash the hands.

Yeah, washed the hands, yeah.

Everybody washed their hands.

No, no.

Someone didn't, and I'm going to fuck them up.

Who was it?

Give me a name, boy.

Who name?

The man.

Give me the name.

Man?

Yes.

What is your name?

I don't know.

You don't know your...

Ono name?

What?

Who name?

Do you have a name or a number?

Cho.

Your name is Cho?

Yeah.

How do you spell Cho?

I...

Your name is Chong or Cho?

Cho.

Cho?

C-H-O?

Yeah.

So Cho doesn't wash his hands.

Why wash your hands?

Cho no wash hands.

Every time washing, okay?

No, you didn't.

I have a picture of you.

Video picture.

You don't wash your hands.

I found out.

You made a pee-pee and you didn't wash your hands, Cho.

Giseki.

Toa Jorah.

To place a call, press 1.

To listen to your recorded calls, press...

To him, I called him a son of a bitch.

And to suck my dick, I said to him in Korean.

I found the curses.

Over at insultmonger.com.

Everyone, I recommend you go immediately over to insultmonger.com

and then click on their bilingual swearing link right there,

and you'll be able to see the different multilingual swearing options right there.

You've got generators, insults, and slams.

You'll be able to get a point across to foreigners.

That's right.

I see.

Okay.

You know, I wanted to mention here, it would be nice, you know,

if I were to get like a Saturday night show on Syndicate,

since I'm going to move, you know, I've got to start working now.

Now it can't do the 4 to 6.

So if one day that did come up, that would be cool and all.

But, man, they really need to do a better job of promoting my show.

I mean, you go to the site.

I'm not on the banner at all, on the top for Syndicate Radio.

I don't even appear.

I do shows.

There are shows up there that don't even exist anymore.

And they never put me up there, man.

I've been out here for over a year.

I've been here for like a year and a half, going on two years at this point.

Did you design the page?

I did, actually.

Actually, I did start designing the page that they're using now,

and I'm not even in the stupid scrolling banner on the top.

Then who spots that?

This is not fair.

I've voiced this several times.

They don't push me.

You know what, man?

You know what?

If you go right now to the Stern Fan Network forums,

if you go in there and you click on Internet Radio.

Oh, God, I never go there.

I never go there.

On the very top, it says we're listed as a show,

and it says Madhouse Radio with Gary the Retard, 8 p.m. to 10 p.m. on Thursdays.

I'm like, they take the name of my show, and they'd say it's 8 to 10 instead of 10 to 1,

and they say it's hosted by Gary the Retard.

I'm like, what the fuck, dude?

That's so disrespectful.

You better send an e-mail to the guy who runs it, that Mutt guy,

and just tell him I'm talking to a guy on that one.

on syndicate syndicate's more responsible they should really do that better because they need

to start using this yeah they need we need to start getting some respect around looking you over

looking us over yeah that's not fair we're we're the top show we're the best show we're not we're

a top show we're a good show we're better than than a lot of internet radio shows out there

when it comes to probably that's for gosh darn sure if they were smart they would they would

would market it just like this you know they could call the triple play of prank calls wednesday night

you got dr lego thursday night carlito and that house radio and very nice uh says he wants to

kill himself apart from that uh that that guy that wants to kill himself oh the kdk guy is he

still alive uh yeah yeah i think so yeah i don't know he last last time i heard he was killing

Again, really?

When did that happen?

Again this week?

Was it this week again?

Last Saturday?

Did he really go into that again?

What did he say?

Yeah, he did that whole gag again.

No one's known.

It's like, it's Oak Hat.

It's stale.

He needs to come up with another gimmick.

At the very least,

I know someone listening now has the pull

to at least tell the people at SFN,

for god's sake don't put down his manhouse radio with gary the retard from 8 to 10 at the very

least you can have gary the retard 8 to 10 and take me off altogether i'd rather not manhouse

radio not be up there than them just to say it's on when it's not on and it's a gay it's gary

shit nothing wrong against gary show i love gary show i watch it every week before i go on but

that's uncouth man that's not right not gary the retard

funny shit dude this insultmonger.com is funny what are you doing over there it sounds like

you're tap dancing on your keyboard let's do another prank call all right we did young's

restaurant let's go ahead and call um do we want to call ninja pirate let's wait until

until a little bit to call ninja pirate again let me take a look here let's call

and a little asia cafe asia cafe that's in uh that's in asia little asia in philadelphia

Let's play some more of this prank call that we've been playing, which is called Stupid Grown Ups.

Nope, we don't serve food either.

Well, you're supposed to wash your hands at the dance barn.

It's not the dance barn.

What is it then?

You told me it was the dance barn, Inc.

No.

You know, what are you, some kind of cypher?

What are you, an enigma?

What is this?

No.

Oh, you're all Mr. Mysterious now, huh?

What have I told you so far that you had any kind of backing up to what I said?

You know what, I'm going to shove it up your ass, okay?

Okay, shove it up your ass and get off my phone machine right now.

Hang up the phone.

Your phone machine?

Hang up my phone.

Get off of my phone line.

I'm not on your phone line.

Get off.

I'm talking to you, right?

A, B.

Hang it up right now.

You hang up.

I'm calling the shots here.

You're going to hang up.

You hang up.

Hey, how you doing, sir?

Hey, how you doing?

Good, okay?

I'm so good now that I'm talking to you, sweetheart.

Huh?

I'm so good now that I'm talking to you, sweetheart.

Okay, you want, you, you, you, you, you, you, you want, you want, um, order four?

Fuck yeah, let's do that.

Huh?

Hell yeah, hell yeah, man.

Okay, what's phone number?

You know, give me phone number, please.

It is 407.

407?

459.

459?

Four, four, four, four.

Four, four, four, four?

No, no, no, four, four, four, four.

Yeah, four, four, four, four.

Wait, wait, wait again, what'd you say?

Okay.

4-0-4?

Yeah.

4-5-9?

Yeah.

4-4-4-4?

No, no, no.

What's the last 4 again?

4-4-4-4, right?

How many 4s are in that?

4.

4-4?

Yeah.

What's the number you give me again?

4-0-7.

4-0-7?

Yeah.

4-4-9.

4-4-9?

4-4-4-4.

4-4-4-4?

Yeah.

Could you read that to me again, please?

Yeah.

4-3-0-7?

4-4-9?

4-4-4-4?

What was the last four?

Hey, 4-0-4 or 4-0-7?

many 4s? 1, 2, 3,

Three, four, five, six.

No, but the last four.

How many?

The last four.

Okay, what you're saying?

Okay, you want a full?

Yeah.

What's full?

What's the address?

I'm going to come pick it up.

I don't like you people coming to my house.

Because the last time this man got sexual with my dog.

You're coming here to pick it up?

You know what's wrong with it?

Is your guy going to come touch my dog again on the penis?

I know.

You know where we are, right?

What's wrong?

Well, yeah, I know where it is, but I don't want anybody coming over here touching my dog's penis again.

No, you know my restaurant address?

I know where your restaurant address is, yeah.

Where, where?

It's in Philly, in Rising Sun Avenue, where all the Chinese people are.

Yeah, Rising Sun Avenue, you know Fullman Meal Center?

I don't know what the hell you're saying. What's my phone number again?

You know Fullman Meal Center?

What?

You know Fullman Meal.

Fullman Meal?

Fullman Meal Center.

Yeah, sure, whatever you say, bro.

Okay, what you order, okay?

How you money make?

Fax the order.

Okay, fax it.

What kind of order?

You want me to fax the order?

Fax the order, yeah.

Okay, hang on.

You ready?

Mm-hmm.

Can you hit number four?

Number four what?

Hit number four.

Number what?

The button number four.

Huh?

You hit the number four, and I can fax you the menu, the order.

What's four?

Five together?

Number four.

Number what?

Number four, five to five, six, seven?

Yes.

Yes, sir.

Huh?

Uh-huh.

Not yet, my friend.

Can I get the number 44 on the menu?

44 what?

Number 44 on the menu.

You have number 44.

44 what?

What's wrong with 44?

With chicken.

Huh?

Chicken 44.

Chicken 44?

Yes.

Why?

Yeah.

Because 44 is the profile line, my friend.

Well, I was asking you what number 44 was, and you're not answering me, so I had to make...

Yeah, 44 is the profile line, my friend.

Not chicken or my friend?

Not chicken, okay?

Okay.

Chicken is 43.

All right, so I'll go...

Okay, it's funny.

It's a funny Asian guy.

you're all funny and silly

all those amazing people

all funny and silly and talking funny

oh okay

so you the man

hang up the phone sir

I don't need to

we are not joking with you

I'm not on the phone

you son of a bitch

you bastard

there's no way

that any serious phone call

would have come in

and had the people talking for this long

with that kind of language

so it's just funny and quite interesting

Interesting. And what's funny here is I have the caller ID when you called.

No, you don't, because I blocked it, buddy.

Hold on. I'll tell you your phone number.

You don't know my phone number, dude. I blocked it.

Well, I can't read it on the phone when I'm talking, so. But it's something to do with Washington.

No, I'm not in Washington, man.

No, that just says Washington.

You don't have my phone number, dude, because I blocked it. You know why? Because I'm the enigma.

Oh, now you've changed.

I'll tell you what. If you give me my phone number now, I will go down there, and I will give you $100.

I will let you punch me in the mouth

How about 4-2-5-6-5-5

Shit

Oh shit

You said that was going to block the line man

He's got the fucking number now dude

Hello

Hi

Would you shut up please

Would that be okay

Hello

Would you shut up for me for a second please

Oh

That was stupid

Let me call her back

That wasn't nice

I'm sorry

I wasn't nice

Yeah that wasn't nice at all

Telling her to shut up or her hanging up

No

No, the whole, did she tell him to shut up?

That wasn't nice.

She placed a call.

All right.

444-407-449-4444.

What happened?

Yes, I want to say I'm sorry, please, okay?

Hello?

I'm sorry that I said a bad thing to you.

I'm sorry, all right?

Are you okay?

Can I make an order, please, for pickup?

Okay, what's your order?

I want number 407-449-4444.

You're crazy, okay?

I know you paid.

today crazy all right i know it today i know what she knows it today that's a legitimate number

i'm crazy keep down in mind she knows it man yeah she she ain't no she but no she knows

i know it today she's wise to you she is wise to you all right let's call ninja pirate bag

that's the comic book place that we call talking about dungeons and dragons what else did i say

yeah i said some other wacky stuff with those guys what did i say what do you mean i don't know

Oh, it says something else

to the Ninja Pirate guys.

Oh, fuck.

I forgot already.

Let's see, maybe...

Maybe I can just name it

so I'll remember.

Maybe I can play it.

Hang on.

I'm not going to play the whole thing,

but I'll play a part of it.

Let's see here.

Maybe I have it here still.

Just have it here.

It was the second call of the day.

Today's the 25th, right?

25.

3 minutes, 59 seconds.

That looks about right.

All right, let's see.

It's cards.

Cool, Nunu's here.

Yeah, Nunu.

new that's what it was i was wanting to buy upgrades i was a sodomist priest sodomist priest

that's what it was let's do it again oh yeah something's right right hey man look i'm sorry

all right please change parts this is amira hi is this the person the man woman child that i was

talking to earlier is this the radio station that keeps calling us no i'm not with the radio station

i'm calling for the making yeah we looked up your phone number on the internet you're an internet

Am I at a radio station?

Am not.

Who said?

Who says this?

We looked it up.

What number?

We looked up the number you're calling from.

What number?

I blocked my number, woman.

Well, there's a number appearing on our phone.

That's impossible.

I blocked my number.

I paid.

It's an unknown caller, but it has a phone number.

There's no phone number there.

There's no such thing.

407-459-4534.

Oh, my God.

How did you get it?

It's on my phone.

And you traced it?

Mm-hmm.

Who'd you trace it to?

A radio station.

Which one?

What radio station is it?

Dainty?

Madhouse?

Hey, don't tell my mom, okay?

Because she'll take away my Nintendo Wii again.

Hey, whatever.

We've got to go.

We have a huge tournament on Saturdays.

I can't deal with you guys.

Oh, wow.

The nerds are coming in.

Yeah.

Whatever.

They're able to trace...

How do they...

Yeah, let me try that.

Hang on.

That's funny.

Is this the internet radio station?

Oh.

407-459-4594.

Wow.

Damn.

Oh, wait a minute.

We're up in the annoying caller's numbers.

Hang on.

let's see that i think someone figured this out again let's see what do you mean i don't know

let's see let's see i know in color numbers isn't there's a there's a there's a company that like if

you get prank called or if you get like harassing not harassing calls but like telemarketer calls

you put it up and i'll let you know who it is that's impossible how would they reverse search

it and find out wow i'm trying to see trace and they know that shit dude i will i would like to

to know how they were able to do that let me see four five three four reverse phone detective and

it just comes up as orlando florida it doesn't say anything at all how would they figure it out

i feel like calling it back and asking them but they're obviously really busy now with the nerd

thing or was it dungeons and dragons that they got going on right now huh that's interesting

let me try one more there annoyingcallers.com does it come up either i wonder how they did that

all right well whatever doesn't matter no no no issues there they still can't get through to me

I'm still protected under a wall of surveillance.

Seriously, how'd they do that?

Someone tried to find out.

Someone tried to trace the 407.

You know, a Lonesome Loser by Coder Nunu.

Try that.

It's 407.

What was the number that she said, though?

It's the one that we spoof out.

What is that number?

It's a Grand Central number that rings through.

You know what?

I know how they did it.

If you call the number, it says, this is Madhouse Radio.

That's why.

All they did was call it back.

Ah.

That's why.

All they did was call it.

They tried to call it back, and I was on a call, and I was busy.

Watch.

It takes you to a special voicemail.

I just remember I told you I wanted to change it to say you've reached the offices of Jack Masterson,

Ralph Littlejohn, and Eddie Garcia.

And it says Madhouse Radio on it?

I think it does.

I'm pretty sure it does.

Yeah, we'll see.

I said we'll get back to you.

Oh, yeah.

That's how they did it.

Oh, well, yeah, they didn't put it in the internet.

She lied.

Athena, remember you're going to record that?

Athena, when you get off your cold, Athena has a cold, or you have a bronchitis.

What do you think you got?

Sinusitis?

yeah whenever you're over that we gotta i gotta get you to record that message yeah it should be

all right whatever um there's worse things that could happen let's call that was the golden gate

restaurant we did next we did last it's so funny that they called that back and got that message

all right let's call the sunset cafe you know that happened again um last week remember we

ordered that music for the for john mccain the guy called back with the music and he heard that

message yeah yeah yeah what happened with that no he heard that message right now that we played

right now that says you've reached madhouse radio or whatever you know so i guess he figured it was

a joke i gotta change i gotta i gotta rerecord that to say you know you've reached uh sorry or

just have it say you know you know i'm not available leave a message you know something

like that oh let me see if i can check my grant i don't think they left a message on it though

no they didn't i would get an email if they did so they didn't leave a voicemail on the line but

but they didn't figure it out.

Okay, anyway, so what?

Who cares?

But let's play this call here

by a reclue called Racist Rooster

while I do the next prank call

to Brothers House Pizza the second

where a black woman answered.

It's asking for some pizza machines.

A second, huh?

One.

Second.

Hello?

Roosters?

Yeah.

What's your problem?

Um, I'm sorry.

What's your motherfucking problem?

Y'all want to start a fire?

This is Roosters.

I'm not real sure

what you're talking about.

You bunch of fucking Klansmen.

Who is this?

Y'all, we're going to run

your racist ass out of this community.

Okay, um...

We don't appreciate your nigger-hating ways.

Okay, I apologize for that.

Okay, let me talk to your manager then.

I don't appreciate you saying you don't like...

What?

I am the manager.

Also, you racist from the top down, huh?

From the top down.

Who's in charge over there besides you?

Um, I...

Hello, how you doing?

Hi.

All right.

Is this Italian pizza?

Italian pizza?

Yeah.

No, this is brother pizza.

That's the...

But you're Italian pizza, right?

You have Italian...

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd like to make an order for the number 44, please.

Hold on.

You stupid asshole.

Pick up all the delivery?

Stupid.

You want to pick up all the delivery?

I want to pick it up.

You want my phone number?

Okay.

What's your name?

407.

Huh?

459.

4-4-4-4.

4?

Yeah.

This is the phone number, right?

Can you read it back to me, please?

The phone number.

Can you say again?

407.

47.

449.

9.

4-4-4-4.

4-4.

Okay, 4-7, 4-4, 5-9, 4-4-4.

You messed it up completely.

No, 4-7.

Where's the O?

Huh?

Where's the O?

4-0-7.

4-7.

Uh-huh.

4-4.

Okay, how many pizza you want?

Four.

Pizza?

Yes.

Large or small?

Number four.

Number four?

Yes.

One large pizza?

One number four.

Yes, special number four?

Yes, special number four.

Four number four.

Okay, one large pizza?

Sixteen.

Huh?

4 times 4 is 16.

Sir, you want special number 4, right?

4 number 4.

4 number 4?

What do you mean 4 number 4?

4 number 4.

Do you add them?

Is 4 plus 4 is 8?

Or 4 times 4 is 16?

Hold on one second.

Okay.

Hello.

You people have a poor rating for greeting already.

Excuse me?

You have a poor rating for the bad greeting already.

Can I help you?

You have a low score.

You have a number four score right now, four.

Okay, can I help you?

I'm making an order for a pizza machine.

You're making an order for a pizza what?

Machine.

Pizza machine.

Yeah.

Can I help you?

You want an order?

Yes, I do.

Okay.

I gave a phone number to the nice foreign gentleman,

and I don't think he could write it down right.

Yeah.

Did he write it down?

That's why he passed it through.

What?

Are you picking it up, hon?

Are you being rude?

Am I being rude?

Yeah.

I'm asking you, are you going to pick it up, or do you want it delivered?

I would like to pick it up because I don't like people coming to my house.

Okay.

Nasty, sick people like that.

Okay, and what did you want, huh?

I want four number four.

Four plus four is eight, and times four is 16.

Four plus four is eight, times four is 32.

And you add three and two together, and it's six.

No, it's five.

Oh, shit.

Oh, God.

Say that again?

Number five.

You want a number five special?

I want four number fours, and when you multiply them together, it's 16,

and you add that together, it's seven.

Number seven.

Number seven, yeah.

Four number fours is number seven, right?

Four number fours.

Is it a cheesesteak or Italian hoagie, french fries, and a can of soda?

A can of soda?

Yeah.

Who does cans of soda anymore?

What about the 20-ounce bottle?

Can I upgrade?

Hello?

Can I upgrade to a 20-ounce bottle instead of a can?

Yes, sir.

Yes.

What would you like to eat?

Four, number four, plus eight is 32.

Four, number four?

Plus eight is 32.

We don't gather.

You don't have number four?

No.

What about number three?

Number three?

Number two.

Huh?

Number two.

I need to do number two.

Okay, what's number two?

You want to know what number two is?

To place a call, press one.

Listen to your recorded call.

Oh, if you don't know what a number two is, I ain't going to tell you.

I ain't going to be the one to show you, buddy.

Who does number two work for?

That's a good question.

I would be the only one.

Okay.

All right, can you explain to me why you don't like niggas?

I don't have one single problem with Africans.

Well, you just said no.

I called last time, and you said no, I don't.

Sweetheart, this is the first time I've answered the phone.

Oh, okay, so you're playing games.

Now, I just talked to you on the phone.

I just called up.

No, sweetheart, this is the first time I answered the phone.

This is the second time I called.

Sweetheart, they handed me the phone, and I answered the phone this time.

Okay, well, what other broad is working there?

Because somebody picked up the phone, I asked them, and they said no, they don't like it.

I apologize for that.

Okay, who else is working there?

Can I help you with something?

Yeah, I just told you, I got a problem with that.

Whatever broad answers the phone.

I can address that problem, but is there something I can help you with right now?

No, get him on the phone and apologize to me right now.

Sweetheart, I'm not going to embarrass the person.

You ever heard of the NAACP?

Yes, I have.

You ever heard of that?

The NAACP?

N-A-C-P.

Yep.

Coming at you.

Coming at you strong.

Okay.

All right, do you want that on your ass?

I don't think so.

Sweetheart, I'm just trying to help you.

You don't be racist.

No, I ain't your sweetheart.

I ain't no sweetheart of yours.

I'm just trying to help you.

You know what I'm saying?

You work for the man.

There's something I can do for you.

I know Uncle Tom.

I ain't going out like that.

Okay, is there something I can do for you?

Yeah, I want you to get somebody on the phone and apologize for your racist remarks.

I've already apologized for whatever was said.

I don't even know what was said, but I apologize for whatever...

Bullshit.

Aren't you going to help me?

That's a bunch of bull crap, sir.

Hello?

That's a bunch of bull crap, sir.

What?

About the chicken, what happened with that chicken.

Did you hear about that?

No.

Yeah, it's pretty sad.

Can I make an order for chicken spaces, please?

Yeah, what would you like?

I would like chicken in a box.

Uh-huh.

When you take the chicken out, I want you to put it in one of those things with oil and you make it hot.

Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

Anything else?

The number four.

Number four?

Yeah.

What's number four?

What about number two?

What is it?

What do you mean?

What is it?

What's the order?

I want number two.

Number two, what is it?

What is what?

Number two.

Yeah, I know it's funny.

Do you know what number two is?

No.

Yeah, I bet you you've had number two before for lunch and dinner.

Okay, I'm busy.

That was stupid.

Wow, that was stupid.

What was said?

Is there anything I can help you with?

Yeah, so basically I call back and then somebody else is going to say it and then nothing is going to happen.

They're just going to keep on doing it.

No, sweetheart, they won't.

Damn you, hillbillies.

Okay, and you want to complain about us, but you just said, God damn you, hillbillies.

Now that's not fair.

Well, yeah, because you know what I'm saying?

Hang on, hang on, please don't interrupt me.

That's not fair to me because I just now answered the phone.

And I'm trying to get you taken care of, okay?

I'm going to call back Angie's Island Grill.

Is there something that I can do for you right now?

We're asking for chicken panties.

With the business of roosters.

Sounds like the only business you're doing is burning crosses.

No, we're not.

We do not have a problem with African Americans.

So do you use kerosene or just regular gasoline when you put it on a cross and burn it?

Neither.

Okay, what do you use then?

Light or fluid?

We do not burn crosses here.

Okay, where do you burn them?

We do not burn crosses, period.

We have no problem with African Americans.

You just build a cross and somebody else burn them?

That's how you do it.

Build a cross, let someone else burn it.

Enter silent ground, may I help you?

Hi, lady, I'd like a number four, please.

She's not even going to go for it.

She does not understand.

Well, she does understand.

I think that's what the problem is.

She's not having it.

She's not having it from the white devil.

All right, let's continue here with another prank call.

Let's play some more racist rooster and do some more calls.

We've got the old English-style pizza.

Boy, that sounds good.

I'll tell you what.

I can't wait to have an old English-style pizza.

What would the English people put on it?

Potatoes?

No, we have no problem with African-Americans.

Okay, well, maybe not African-Americans.

You obviously have a problem with niggas.

sweetheart, I don't like that word, and I don't consider it a good word.

I don't like it either.

That's why I'm calling.

And I don't consider anyone that.

Well, me neither, except my niggas.

Okay, okay.

My boys on the block.

Well, I don't have boys on the block, and I don't have those words.

I don't say those words.

I don't call people those words.

I just need to know what I can help you with.

You ever had the black experience yet?

I have not.

Okay, well, maybe that's what can remedy the situation.

That's how we can work this out.

We're just going to take you on a date.

Don't even be thinking that filthy shit.

Don't even be thinking like that.

Mind in the gutters.

I don't think that's who you are.

What are we thinking?

Think I'm an animal?

I did not say that.

I just don't know who you are.

I don't know if we can go on dates with anybody unless I...

Oh, shit.

Forgot to turn the phone on.

Got it right in time for them to hang out.

Oh, beautiful.

Damn it.

...know who they are.

Okay, well, what's your special?

The bar has ladies' night on Thursday night and pitcher beer on Wednesday night.

No, I'm just saying, what's your special?

You got food down there?

Yes, we do.

What kind?

But we don't have any specials on food.

we have fried chicken um you gotta be kidding me no sir you gotta be kidding me why would you say

something like that the first food that pops in your mind is fried chicken we are what kind of

shit is that what else you got you got you three two one okay i see a number that i do want to

call it's called ribs are us that sounds good right now i could go for some of that ribs are

They are located in Philadelphia also.

That sounds good.

Who's up to Ishan?

Who?

Ishan.

Ishan?

What the hell is Ishan?

You might look up Ishan's.

E-I is how you first spell the word.

Let me write this down.

Hold on a second.

Because they are the longest standing restaurant in Oklahoma, and they serve fried chicken, and that's it.

Yeah, but I mean, what else do you serve?

You might talk to them first.

What else do you serve?

We have okra, green beans, fried green beans, squash, fried mushrooms, fried jalapenos, peppers.

We have hot links, Polish sausages, corn dogs.

Okay, and of all those foods, the first one you want to talk about is fried chicken because you're talking to a black man on the phone.

No.

That's the first food that comes out of your mouth.

If I was talking to a Caucasian person or a Hispanic person, I would also tell them the first thing would be chicken.

Oh, really? Fried chicken, huh?

Yes.

Oh, you wouldn't tell a Caucasian.

You'd probably tell them the Polish sausage first, right?

No, I would not.

Fried chicken is our specialty.

That is what we cook.

That is our most ordered food.

I'm going to call back as a Polish person and see what you say.

Then you do that.

And I will still tell you chicken.

Fried chicken.

Oh, really?

Fried chicken.

Yes, sir.

Yeah.

What else you got?

What kind of drink specials you got?

Don't tell me Hennessy.

We don't carry Hennessy.

All right.

Well, that's a plus.

Tell me Ripper Wine.

Don't even say that.

I'm not sure what that is.

So, apparently, we don't know.

Okay, well, that's good.

Maybe that's because you definitely said you're sheltered.

Apparently.

All right.

So, what kind of bar is it?

Obviously, some hick bar.

Y'all wear cowboy hats down there or something?

We got a prank call request from Tim.

Hey, Tim sent in a message.

Hello.

Hello, Ribs R Us.

Is this the Ribs R, like, we have ribs there, right?

Correct.

Wow, that's great.

Ray, what would you describe your yellow sauces like?

You're going to have to speak just a little louder.

What would you describe your yellow sauces like?

My what?

What would you describe your yellow sauces like there?

Describe my yellow what?

Sauce.

Sauce?

Yep.

Is there anything that I can help you with?

I'd love to make an order for, you know, ribs, but I want to ask more about the sauces.

The sauces?

Yeah.

Okay, the barbecue sauce.

It comes hot or mild?

Can you say sauce again, please?

Sauce.

Sauce?

Yes.

What kind of accent is that?

I have no idea.

Where are you from?

Texas.

Where are you from?

Seriously, what is that?

Sauce.

What's that about?

That's so disgusting.

It makes your mouth do nasty stuff, dirty stuff with your mouth.

Oh, really?

Look, look at your mouth when you say sauce.

Do it.

Sauce.

You see how it makes your lips do that?

No, it's actually no mirror here for me to look into.

Well, maybe you should take a picture of a black man's ass and it'll give you an idea

of what your face looks like.

Okay, maybe I will.

Mm-hmm.

Probably smells like that, too.

Yeah, it might.

Yeah, why don't you put a man on the phone over there, please?

Hold on.

Thank you.

Go on, take a picture.

Go on.

Okay.

He told me to put a mask on my face as a black man,

and that might give me an idea of what I look like.

What?

Then he told me to put a mask on.

That woman told me to take a picture of an African-American man's ass

and that my face looks like that.

This is true.

Whatever she told you that I said, I didn't say she's a lying woman.

What do you need?

I asked her from the beginning that I don't speak to females on the phone.

My wife doesn't allow me to speak to other women on the phone because of Sharia law.

Okay.

So what do you need?

I need yellow sauce. I need risbo with the yellow sauce.

You need the yellow sauce?

Right.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Well, do you only have red sauces there?

Correct.

Could you make a mustard-based sauce, please?

No.

Do you have greases there and mustard?

We don't.

You don't have any type of grease or drippings there at all?

We have grease.

Yeah, well, we'll mix that.

In the back somewhere.

Can we mix that with some mustard?

No. We already have our sauce pre-made. If you want it, you can come in and get it.

Well, what I'm asking, maybe if you could give me a little cup of grease, drippings,

and then maybe some mustard and we can mix it up a little bit with like a wooden spoon or something like that.

That sounds like a plan.

Come on in.

And I will call that mustard rib sauce.

Okay.

Okay, well, maybe between me and you, we'll eat it together, you know?

Sure, sure.

Come on in.

Yeah, that would be nice.

Can I have the number four?

What's the number four exactly?

You know, I caught you in a lie, didn't I?

Chicken sandwich.

It's a what?

Chicken sandwich.

It's a sandwich?

Huh?

What kind of accent is that?

What kind of what?

What kind of stupid accent is that you got?

Why don't you come on in and find out?

I'm going to come in and I'm going to scrub the floor with your face.

Yeah, and I'll find out.

And I'm going to introduce your face to my kneecap.

All right.

He's all about it.

He likes dirty, rough stuff.

What kind of accent is that anyway?

Sauce.

Who talks like that anyway?

Nasty people talk sauce.

Nasty people up there.

Nasty people.

up there they say

they talk funny up there

they say funny stuff too

alright we also got here

what time is it now 6pm

alright so when are we leaving

alright so let's go ahead

and do one last call and we're going to end it

we're going to end the show here

Nunu says to call the all blah

I don't have an international card Nunu

you're just going to end it

just like that you're going to end it

just like that alright let's call the subway here

that Tim sent in to us and let's call it a show

Yeah, Tuck, you know what?

I got a life.

You know what I'm saying?

All right.

I got a life.

I got things to do here, buddy.

Sometimes we do.

Most of the time.

Oh, I got a life.

Oh, you're just a bragger.

Braggers.

Would I be out of place?

What would I be out of place wearing down there?

Do you profile people that come in your door?

No, we do not.

What if I'm wearing a backwards baseball hat or something?

That would be perfectly fine if that's what you choose to wear.

Okay, what about one pant leg up?

That would be perfectly fine if that's what you choose to wear.

Hmm.

What about a red bandana?

That would be fine.

Do you know what side the Crip side is?

Sweetheart, I do, but we don't profile people when they walk in the door.

If you cause problems, then anybody that walks in the door, I don't care what race they are,

if they cause problems, then they're out.

Do you guys get a lot of hubcaps stolen?

No, we do not.

So it's a pretty safe and well-lit area?

Yes.

All right.

So what else is there to talk about then?

Use your normal voice.

I'm just trying to figure out what you would like.

The number you have dialed, 2-1-5-6-7-4-9-9-1-9, has been disconnected.

2-1-5.

Thank you, Tim, for wasting our time.

We appreciate it.

They're all for nothing.

Thank you, Tim.

You know, Carlillo has a life, and you're wasting two minutes of it with your incompetence.

He has a life, you know.

He has other things to do than do this little dicky show.

Thank you, Cam.

Yeah.

There's one last one we'll do.

We're going to call Jamaican D's in Philly.

Jamaican D's.

Jamaican D's nuts in your mouth.

Hey!

Okay, well, I'm trying to figure out, you know what I'm saying?

You know, I'm just trying to figure out if you're racist or not.

But I think you are, but now you're trying to hide it because of these laws against dead.

Sweetheart, I don't try to hide anything.

Jamaican D's.

This is Jamaican D's.

Jamaican D's.

Yes, hi.

Do you have jerky chicken there?

Yes.

Can you make me an order for a number four?

You want a number four?

For number four.

For number four?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Have a nice evening.

Hello?

Yes, who was that?

Are you talking to me?

Are you hanging up on me already?

Yeah.

Because we got three people here.

We're into the phone.

Well, someone was trying to hang up the phone on me just now.

Was that you or someone else?

Okay, how can I help you?

I want to make an order for number four.

What's number four?

It's the same as a number two without a drink.

So you want rice and beans, jerk chicken?

Sure, whatever you say, lady.

That sounds good.

Oh, gosh.

Do you have chicken?

Did the chicken, does the chicken have panties?

Panties?

Mm-hmm.

One second, okay?

No.

Yes, my piece.

All right.

Yes, hello?

So does the chicken have panties or not?

Does the chicken have panties?

Mm-hmm.

Do you add that to it, panties?

Okay, that's why I asked you first.

What chicken was that?

I don't know, okay?

Hello?

Yes, hi, I was asking about the number two, the chicken.

Huh?

I was asking about the number two.

Who is this?

You sound like a man.

Is this a woman or a man?

What do you mean it's a woman or a man?

It's a man fryer?

Huh?

Are you a woman or a man?

I want to buy.

I want to buy the chicken with the panties.

You want to buy chicken with panties?

They have chicken, you add panties to it, you know?

Yeah, what?

It's a spice called panties.

I don't know.

Do you have any panties there?

No.

No, this is chicken store, Jamaican chicken, right?

Hello?

Can I fence something over there, please?

All right.

I have no idea how they prepare their chicken.

Good deal.

Wicked says, chicken with the panties.

Laughed my ass off loud.

He laughed.

Yes, that's right, he did.

Hey, Davi, what's up?

My cat Davi's here.

How you doing, Davi?

Davi's over here meowing.

He's saying hi.

Everyone say hi to Davi.

That's spelled D-A-V-I.

Hey, it's not meowing.

I don't hear him.

He was before, Tuck.

You can't hear because you're half deaf.

No, he's listening.

I'm not deaf.

Can you meow?

I don't hear me meowing.

You know.

Yeah, whatever.

Well, everyone be sure to visit madhouselive.com.

That's my website.

Tuck's website is tuckermike.com.

You don't have a cat.

Yeah, I do.

I got two.

MadhouseLive.com

For us

Go to the blog

And

Tuck has a new blog also

That's right

And

That's it

I think

I don't have anything else

To talk about

That's it

We did pranks

We came

We saw

We conquered

I might go on the air

This week

And do some sort of

Halloween going on

Yeah

Anyway

If not

I'll just record it

And put it on the podcast

The podcast

Let me know

We'll do something with it too

Alright folks we're out of here

Thank you for listening

We'll catch you here on Thursday night

10pm Eastern Standard Time

Stay tuned to Seneca Radio for silence for two hours

Followed by the Ford Show

From 8 to 10

And at 10 o'clock the hook nose bastard guy

Comes on

And then

Jake Simpson

Goodbye

Madhouse Radio is live

Thursday nights at 10pm Eastern

Why don't you shut the hell up

Fuck you

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Calls (18, 1 h 14 min of 1 h 40 min)

Transcript

Comments 0