2008-12-15 Show

Bastard, Corey. You come here, bastard. We'll give you a nice...

Fuck you. You come here.

Bastard.

Son of a bitch.

Bastard.

Who the fuck is this?

Listening to the House Radio Podcast.

It's Carlito with Tuck. It's Monday morning, December the 15th, 10.30 a.m.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

This song should be just called, Oh Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

It's a great record.

It's gonna be...

It's like a movie.

Yeah.

Track 4, Nicklewood.

Brother Wood.

Track 5, Nicklewood.

Track 6, Playawood.

Track 7, Shitting Noises.

I forgot to, I gotta, let me see if I get on the Syndicate machine.

The Modulus stream is down, so we're not on video on the Madhouse Network.

They're having trouble on Modulus machines, so we're not on that.

But we are gonna log into the Syndicate room here in just a moment.

I haven't done that yet.

It was taking me a while to set up this morning.

You know why?

Because it's Monday morning.

I start when I want.

i do what i want whatever i do what i want monday morning is my time it's not thursday i start when

i feel like it oh this song is called dumb it down imagine that dumb it down yeah it's by lupe

fiasco anyway so we're gonna do some prank calls here i guess i don't have any numbers yet i gotta

go i got the newspaper but i left it in the living room like a dumbass i haven't gone through it yet

so i'm gonna have to run in there right quick and set it up cool we're in syndicate now with

four people watching wow four watchers on the syndicate radio evil shulian's syndicate all

All right, so I haven't turned the cam on yet.

Let me go get the newspaper I brought back, folks.

Listen to this.

This one's called Oh Yeah by Tuck.

Take it away, Tuck.

Oh Yeah by Tuck.

You didn't know we had a lot of musicians on this show.

Tuck is a rapper, as you heard right there.

We were talking behind his beat.

Of course, Recklood is also in a band.

You know what?

I got music from Recklood.

Did you know that?

I never played that, did I?

Hang on.

He sent me in one of his...

You know, he's got a serious band that he's in, I guess.

I know he's a hip engineer recorder guy.

Well, he's in a band also.

So that's why he's on his way now, I believe.

He said he was going today to L.A. again.

Let me see if I can find that song.

Actually, he told me he's singing in it.

He said he's one of the people that sings in the song,

but I couldn't catch which one it is.

I want to find out.

Oh, yeah?

No, this one isn't.

Oh, yeah.

It sounds like some kind of Christian rock.

It's the guy that goes, oh, yeah.

No, it's not rap.

It sounds like a Christian rock sounding song, yeah.

Wait until you hear it, man.

You're going to be like, what the fuck is this?

here is it's uh the truth the truth song it's called the truth apparently i don't know what

the name of the band is but it's called here we go listen to this this is like yeah jesus is

you think that's reclute singing right there that can't be reclute singing he told me he

sings in this song i only heard it once play more of it yeah that'd be funny this is reclute singing

singing yeah maybe that was him in the background going yeah yeah yeah that's him yeah yeah he

should have done as richie randall yeah you're you're totally on the mark

doesn't it sound just like it it'd be funny if he's talking about jesus the whole time

god i think he just says occasional harmonizing but that's the truth apparently reclute sings

in that song so awesome and awesome back to oh yeah oh all right so let me get that newspaper

paper yeah there's another song called believe that believe that i gotta turn the damn cams on

here so you people can see me going through the newspaper machine let's what do we got here let's

check customer service jobs we got a few of them today let's see that one's a fax all right so what

what have had what have we had luck with uh tuck we've had luck with um telemarketing here for my

highlighter that look with telemarketing we have had luck with uh not accounting yet but like

Like drivers and AC techs, you know, like actual, not construction, but actual, you know, I don't know how you, what would you call that?

Blue collar work?

What's blue collar?

Is blue collar when you work in the office or is that when you work with your hands?

Blue collar is your hands.

Your hands.

And then white collar is the guy in the office, right?

Sedentary work.

Not physical.

White.

Gotcha.

Okay.

So the blue.

Back in the day, you know, everyone wore their little blue uniforms.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

You know, for the mechanic uniforms, but everybody wore them.

That's where blue collar comes from.

because uniforms would be like blue

or they'd have a color to them

whereas the people in the office

always wore white shirts

and they were white collar.

Well, that makes sense.

Okay, well, hey, here we go again.

You know, we got a call back from this guy.

We, Dr. Nargis called visiting physicians

twice now, last week and the week before.

When we called last week,

we got a call back.

Let me go ahead and play that voicemail again.

We played it last Thursday.

We're going to play that again.

We're going to try to call

and see if we can get the guy this time around.

But Dr. Nargis is looking for work.

You all know who Dr. Nargis is though.

What is he again?

He's a proctologist or something.

I forget.

It changes every time.

I think he should be a guy now.

I'm Joe Lanham with Visiting Physicians,

and you had responded to an ad in the Orlando newspaper

concerning an opportunity we were advertising.

That opportunity, sir, is in Jacksonville, Florida.

You mentioned that you own a home there,

so this might work out.

If you care to call me at your convenience,

my number is 618-

Ah, la, la, la, la.

It takes a while for it to pause, this replay.

What's his name again?

and let's get his full name

that's what I'm going to ask for

yes sir

my name is Joe Lanham

with Visiting Physicians

and you have responded

to an ad

in the Orlando newspaper

alright good

and I've got

his cell phone number

here also

already on the ID

it is an Illinois number

so

we got that to call

Mr. Joe

Joe with Visiting Physicians

we'll give him a call

here in a minute

speaking of

subscriptions

I have Dr. Stem

staring at the floor

below me

looking at the floor

and putting the phone on

here's interesting

check this out

this is promising

strange noises on my end that's what's going on

yeah you got some construction down there they're putting in

new grow lights and all that that's awesome man awesome

hey guys we got a

breaking news here we've got a

business opportunity here in Orlando

a Chevron gas station store

is available for sale in the

tourist part of town that south

south side of town and we

also have a 7-Eleven for

lease construction starting

soon construction starting soon

and that's actually

It's actually kind of far away.

That's about two counties away from Orlando, but there you go.

And we've got a phone number called Don.

Don, who are you?

My name is Don.

So let me highlight that also.

I'll make sure I play that song that I have from the Punjabi stuff.

That's called Don, D-O-N.

There we go.

Okay.

I'm looking at what else here.

Tuck, any ideas, something that I can look for?

Have you had any ideas for prank calls?

I'll take a look here.

Automated petroleum, office for rent.

no sir

not one idea

for a prank call

all week

same guy

Sonico

well the same guy

selling a different

kind of gas stations

and let me link

those two here

see I'm actually

planning it all out

folks on the newspaper

oh yeah

yeah

so I'm making

copious notes

of who the characters

are going to be

Dr. Nargis

for that one

I don't know

who should do

for the business opportunity

I think I'll do

Dr. Nargis also

we'll put down

Dr. N

and just for my note

there so we don't

forget stuff here

let's see what else

We've got e-tour and travel, sales, telephone sales, experienced only, days, evenings, weekends, full benefits, hourly plus commission at four great locations.

I've got one actually here right next to me at UCF, a university that I frequent.

I'm not going there right now, but I was going there earlier this year, and also a few other ones.

Okay, cool.

So we've got numbers there to call for sales, telemarketing.

It looks like it's for travel and tours and cruises and stuff like that.

so I think

I don't know specifically what voice

we'll do but maybe we'll do Eddie G

Ed Garcia let me put Ed

Garce on there in case we'll see

if Eddie Garcia does a prank call for a

tourist job we got some

customer service jobs here also

as I said before we have

a full time part time gas

electric company I think we talked to them last week

let's follow up I know I had them marked

for some reason last week maybe I didn't call them

I have the old newspaper here somewhere I should keep

keep them and make notes because some of these places show up every time like that post office

one that we call two or three weeks ago they were here last week in the week before and they're

probably in this week again i think they have a lot of turnover rate because they're not legit

dude come on they're they're telling you you got to pay to apply for a job at the post office which

is bullshit i really doubt you have to pay to apply you have to pay for the testing or something

here it is matter of fact here we go everybody actually i think this is a different one maybe

but let's take a look here mail office clerk east orlando that's my part of town full-time

or this is full-time eight to five monday through friday at least one year experience with some

college required msxl spreadsheet 45 words per minute and general office duties duties i could

do that matter of fact but we don't have a phone number oh fuck it then you know that's not bad

and it's actually it's paying 10 bucks an hour the way the economy is i bet you they're getting

a lot of responses for that male office clerk that's a hot one right there man if i was looking

for work if i was unemployed right now i would i would definitely i would say 10 bucks an hour

mail office clerk that's got to be easy let's do it full time i know all that excel stuff i'd run

like a machine the packages and slot a and you put the other packages not me right yeah okay i'm

cool try to carry a couple bags over there and over here all right here we go we got uh yeah i'm

sorry i didn't mean to interrupt you homie uh closet installers closet designers available

Available here too, Tuck.

How do you design and install a closet?

Isn't it already kind of there?

How do you install?

I'm going to install this closet here.

Closet installers needed for subcontractor work.

Commissioned closet designers.

Sales people need it.

Better Living Systems is the name of the company.

I think I'm going to ask these guys downstairs to make a noise.

Can you ask them how do you install a closet?

Can you put one of them on the air?

Or maybe can you give me their cell phone and I can prank call them while they're there?

I need a closet installed.

I don't know their cell phone number

I would tell them to give it to you

that would be funny

try to get it

that's funny dude

oh boy

actors

oh here we go

actors bro

actors act now

earn up to $500 a day

TV, print, movies

Arisa Talent Agency

and it has a phone number

member of BBB

the Better Business Bureau

license number is

T as in Tango

A as in Alpha

24

projects daily

they were established in 1986

86 everybody so uh i think we should have um okay now you tell me i don't know if you're

uh familiar tuck you and you and i we come from the same generation basically and sometimes you

know stuff that i am kind of familiar with um wasn't there that tv show called fame yeah i'm

a bit older but not much do you remember uh the do you know of the tv show fame uh i'm gonna live

forever yeah yeah neither than people okay that was okay now who was coco and didn't coco get

Get, like, forced into getting naked for some kind of audition or something like that?

Wasn't there some famous scene where, like, she's, like...

I mean, Kara was Coco in the movie.

Right.

I think it's in a movie where, like, they play it on Howard sometimes.

The woman, the guy's, like, I guess it's, like, some kind of...

She's trying to audition for, like, a...

Maybe it was an event people's been thinking of.

I don't know.

I just know at one point Coco was being, like, taken off her clothes for some audition.

audition and she's just going along with it and the guy's like yeah coco you look good coco this

is great you know it's gonna be a great audition coco was a sweet piece of ass yeah i suppose well

let's give that a call actors i'm gonna i'm gonna try to mix that in coco my name is coco all right

everybody we'll be right back with the first prank call of the day monday show 10 49 a.m we'll do

do about two hours or so we'll see how it goes actor's job just a moment please thank you thank

you thank you thank you it makes me want to dance with my feet i move my feet while i dance thank

you for calling the ariza talent and modeling agency florida's leading source for multicultural

talent if you know the extension of the party you wish to reach you may dial it at any time

during this announcement clients seeking to book talent press one talent checking in press two

Talent, returning our call, press 3.

If you wish to join our agency, press 4.

Board administration, press 5.

Let's try to join our agency here.

Thank you for your interest in the Ariza Talent and Modeling Agency.

We are currently looking for fresh new faces

to work in the areas of fashion, print, TV commercials,

and major motion pictures.

We've been established in Central Florida since 1986

and are members of the Better Business Bureau

with excellent standings.

We are licensed and bonded by the Department of Business

and professional regulations as a talent agency.

Ariza is Florida's leading source for multicultural talent,

making a tremendous impact on productions.

We supply principles, bits, and extras to work on such films as

True Lies with R. Schwarzenegger and Jamie Lee Curtis,

Contact with Jodie Foster, Armageddon with Bruce Willis, just to name a few.

That's in the 90s.

Media commercials include Family Matters, Sequest, Spit by Steph, Nickelodeon, and so forth.

Our print work and television commercials include such prestigious clients

as the New York Times, ATN-TV,

Aftermath,

as well as the Orlando Central and others.

Nickelodeon, because they used to be here in Orlando,

Nickelodeon used to be here in Orlando.

They're gone.

They're not Universal Studios.

They moved back to L.A. or New York or something.

True Lies was like in 1995.

They filmed one scene in Miami,

in the Keys, actually, I think.

That was all they did.

I don't know what the hell they were talking about.

Please hold while I transfer you.

Did you hear?

Armageddon was filmed

at Kennedy Space Center

parts of it

the launch only

so they probably

have people

standing around

yeah hello

hello how are you

yes

yes dammit

I want to

excuse me

are you going to

continue

can you please

put me down

for one audition

machine please

I'm sorry

this is Jack Valente

and I'm calling in

to report for my audition

I'm looking for work

in print

news

and I also do

acting work

I do hand stuff

puppetry

voiceovers

Mr. Valentine, are you registered with us?

I'm looking to join the agency.

How much will it cost?

Okay.

There's no cost to the talent.

We are an agency.

We get 15% commission for any job that we book you on from the client.

Oh, that's interesting.

You know, is this your first time seeking representation?

Yes, it is.

Okay.

Well, we just need to schedule an evaluation with our agent.

Okay.

Can I?

I will speak to the agent.

You can go ahead and put me through right now.

Yeah, I'm ready.

he actually has an appointment at the moment

okay hang on now watch watch this this one is this one is the one that i call the beetle you

ready all right so that was one i developed about three years ago on this on this movie

called hogwood vanya this beetle would go in it would infest through the ear

and then there's uh amos washington this is amos washington

all right good this is voice talent there's a voice changer

music in the background keep that funky music in the background let me check is there anyone

in the chat room no not really they play the well loq huh that's interesting yeah

he's a jerk that's why so what's going on here spinnaker's in the house what's he saying i

started crying left my fucking ass off carlito i don't know what that's supposed to be we gotta

talk to somebody up in this mug he's got me an internal hold yes hello yes hi i was on hold for

for a long amount of time.

Who am I speaking with at this moment?

Hello, my name is Dionne.

I am on quite a busy switchboard.

I don't have an opportunity to review your talents,

although it sounds quite entertaining.

Is there any way we can schedule an appointment, though,

for you with the agent?

Can you schedule an appointment for my friend?

He's here next to me also.

Yes, you can.

Yeah, you can,

but he wants to just give you his details first.

Okay.

All right, hang on just a moment.

What I do is I do voiceover work,

but I just use a voice machine that I created.

I can't hear it very well.

I talk like this, but I don't know how you're doing now.

You have any fried chicken on the watermelon?

See, that's the kind of thing I do.

I make him say stuff like that.

All the food for my children.

I want food stamps.

How do you do that?

See, stuff like that.

Yeah, okay.

I talk loud in the movies.

You try to move it.

Yes.

I've got to hang up now, but I'd be happy to schedule an appointment as I sit for you.

I know black people by Walmart.

I do that in stand-up.

But I just come out

I got this bullhorn

And I just do those jokes

People go crazy

Okay

Black people like to have sex

With fat white women

Stuff like that

And everyone goes

I have to go now

I have to really hang up

I went to the

Sons of the Confederacy

And they had their

Holiday party on Saturday

And I went out there

And I said

I'm hanging up the phone

And then they started

Playing a song

Give me a call back okay

Okay

You can have a container

I don't know what that was, but she said we were okay to call back.

So I'm going to mark that as CB.

There we go.

Call back.

All right, everybody.

So I give that call a 85% on a scale of 120.

Uh-huh.

I should have done the whole, uh-huh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Tuck, you having fun over there?

What are you saying?

You're talking too low, my friend.

I'm just talking to myself.

All right.

That's always fun.

Well, you do that a lot, my friend.

Take care of that.

Talk on yourself in the morning.

Alright, so closet installers here.

I don't really understand how you install a closet in the house.

I'm sitting in the room talking to myself.

Alright, let's have Dr. Nargis call.

I want everybody to hear this.

I'm going to have to play the voicemail first.

I've got to queue it up.

I don't have it ready.

Fucking Christ.

Just a moment here.

Let me see if I can get that ready.

Or should we even bother?

I mean, you folks know we've been calling this Dr. Nargis.

It's a voiceover that we do with a deep kind of voice instead of the normal voice that you would hear.

Here, the phone changes it for us automatically, and when we replay it, you'll be able to hear what it sounds like on my end.

But this is Dr. Nargis. He's going to be calling back physicians wanted from last week.

Dr. Nargis.

Good morning. This is Joe.

Yes, hello. This is Joe.

Yes, this is Joe.

Joe, this is Dr. Nargis. I'm returning your call that you made today to me at 8 p.m. last week.

Yes, sir. How are you?

you i am good i am good i am on my making packing to go to jacksonville to i need to visit the other

house i have to put over christmas tree and we go there for the holiday every every year we spend

about two or three weeks in jacksonville in my house over there so you're ready to come to

jacksonville go to work for us then aren't you sir i have a season ticket for jaguars you know

I like football.

So how do you save for a job?

How do you have a job?

The position that we're offering, sir, is Monday through Friday, 8 o'clock to 5 o'clock.

And I should tell you, before I go further, I'm in a bad area on my cell phone.

If I lose you, I will call you back.

I have this number on my cell phone.

Listen, listen.

If you're in a bad area, don't pull over in the bad area because there's a problem.

Like here in Miami, you pull over in the bad area and they can, you know, they can do something to you.

They see a nice car, they see that you're a nice person and they might do something to you.

Get out to the bad area.

Do you know what part of town?

Oh, yeah.

No, we're up in Illinois right now on the way.

We were at the CME conference in Amelia Island.

So we're on the interstate.

Well, we're okay, but the opportunity is Monday through Friday, evening, no evenings, no weekends.

No call, no practice, employ you, provide a full benefits package.

And what we do, we have found a niche in the market by which we can grow.

And in times when a lot of offices are closing down and hospitals are reducing staff,

we're actually growing due to the nature of our work.

And what we do is we visit 10 patients a day.

You'll see 10 patients a day in our 200 patients.

Over the course of a month, the following month, you'll see them again.

And what you will do, you will visit those patients in their homes,

meaning that I provide the company car and a driver.

In the morning, you go into the office, jump in the car with our medical assistant,

and you'll drive around, visit 8, 9, 10 patients a day.

I have an idea.

I have a beautiful idea.

Why don't we go to the job, too?

Why don't we go to the office and make an examination right there?

I'm sorry?

We go to the office, and we make an examination right there in the office.

Well, we do the examinations in the homes.

Well, we can go to the office, too, where they're working.

We can do examination in the office in the lunch break.

Well, they don't.

A lot of these patients, all of our patients are homebound.

They can't get out and go to the office.

Imagine this.

Imagine that you have a problem and you're sick and you say to your boss,

Hey, boss, I want to leave early.

Your boss says, Well, you got sick?

You say, Yeah, my stomach, this and that.

I feel bad.

And then you say, Okay, wait a minute.

we have a contract with visiting physician and you say hang on right there and then i call i'm

the boss and i call visiting physician i say hey i got this asshole over here they say he's sick

yeah i don't think he's sick come over please and the doctor come make examination and say okay and

they prescribe him like two aspirin or peptobimol and he said you can stay working you're not sick

and i get what happened they can put down right there they can charge the employee the price of

the doctor coming out because it was a lie

that he was not sick.

That's an issue, Mark.

I see your point,

but what we do, sir, we visit geriatric

patients. These are patients that are

all on Medicaid.

You need to get with the time.

These people calling you sick all the time

here in Miami. They said the other day on the TV

show, Bob Morton and the new

solver. You know Bob Morton on TVT?

Well, maybe if you come on board, we'll get

that fixed. You can do that.

Listen, listen, I see to you, it sound to me like you maybe got so much stress.

And what happened like that?

What happened?

You have a fight in the ball.

Let's say you got into a fight with your boss.

And you said a bad word.

You said maybe give the finger.

You take the paper.

You throw the paper on the floor.

And then we call me.

Okay, Dr. Narga come and he prescribe to you that you have to be committed,

Baker active.

They take you away.

and because you're bigger active they can get rid of you because you're a danger to the people in

their office you don't pay unemployment benefits to him you don't have to worry about keeping him

okay and around and the people are safe because you know when people get stressed out in the work

and they're making this and they're pushing this and they close the if someone you know i had a

problem myself one of my staff every time she called me in the morning she always slamming

the cabinet door

and making a coffee

and slamming the door

in the cabinet

and opening the refrigerator

and making the clothes loud

and everything like that.

And you know what I did?

I said,

will bake it active and they came they took her away and three days later

she lost the job because three days only consecutive is one occurrence after one

occurrence in 90 days outside like they say what kind of doctor do you need i mean i'm giving you

idea. We're looking for primary care physicians, family practice, internal medicine. Do I have

to have my own stethoscope? Your own stethoscope? Because I don't like to use my private stethoscope.

It's only for clean people. I mean, the people in the house, I have security when I come

in, whether they have animals around or bad things. I guess I don't understand your question

My nephew can come with me

And he make you know

Protection from the back

Because you say

Like you said

It's in a bad area

You have in a bad area there

So if you have to say

We've never had a physician

That's been injured

Or hurt

Or anything

Our cars are well marked

Everybody loves seeing us

We're the good guys

What if they make

What if they make a physician

Write a prescription

For something like Viagra

He's not supposed to write

What if they tell him

Hey you know

You want something

To drink

And the doctor said

Yeah give me a little bit of water

And who knows

What they put in the water

Next thing you know

They have

Oh yeah

I need Viagra

I need this

I need that

It's a conflict of interest

It's a problem

Tell you what

It might be

The best thing for you to do

Might be to

Call

Go on our website

Do you know

Listen

Batman

Go on our website

Did you know that

Batman was a scientist

Sorry

Did you know that

Batman is a scientist too

He is a scientist

Batman is a scientist

And a ninja too

He is a scientist

And a ninja

Ninja scientist

Right

And it goes around the car like, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Yeah.

Beep, beep, beep.

I agree.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

What specialty are you, sir, a physician?

I do, I prescribe NyQuil, I use Betadine on the cars.

I prescribe Afrin, I have vitamin C and Golden Seal.

Are you a physician, sir?

I have experience in treating, you know, people.

I'm from Cuba.

and in the mountain there you know sometimes people get sick they come to my store and i

say okay yeah what do you have and they say oh my nose is tough yes okay i got the nyquil you take

five nyquil and then your nose you put the african like four squared i have experience people will

come to me and say so they sort of call me dr not dr nargas you don't have a job for me i mean

what do you need my resume well we need physicians if you are see i'm i'm in position i am in a

a position. You're a physician, an MD or a DO? Yes, the position. I have the position.

Do you have a CV, a curriculum vitae? I have the LMA. I'm a licensed male nurse, LMA. You're

a licensed male nurse? Yes. Okay. We require physicians for this job because of the Medicaid

requirements and all of our licensing requirements. So at this point, we are not employing licensed

and snail nurses

or we're not even

working with

nurse practitioners

or CNAs.

But I have the ideas.

I have an honorary degree.

You have some great ideas.

I have an honorary degree

from St. Isaac Catholic Church.

They give me

honorary doctorate.

St. Isaac Catholic Church

in Miami Spring.

Do you know

Hialeah, Miami Spring?

Yes, sir.

What I do

is I employ physicians

in my company.

You break my heart

is what you do.

to. I don't mean to break your heart. I'm sorry, sir. I'm going to leave. I don't want to talk to

you again. Do not call me again for my idea. If I find out that you start sending doctor to people

job, I'm going to sue because you're taking my idea. I'm taking everything off the table right

right now

I assure you

we will not

adopt any of your ideas

sir

we've already

this negotiation

is over

thank you sir

goodbye

he said Jesus

at the end

you heard him

he was like

Jesus

alright that was

kind of fun

that was what it was

I don't know

but I think it's better

if we hear it

in real time

not in real time

but if we hear

the effect

he hung in there

for a while

I think when they

got to the part

about the stethoscope

or I should say

my stethoscope

part

yeah

and what's that

yeah

Yeah, you got to take me seriously here, people.

I need a password for this.

Hang on.

Let me get that from the email.

Yo, man, I'm chewing this up.

My dad bought this at an Army surplus store.

It is a stay alert gum.

They issue these out to our troops in their MREs.

They put them in MREs.

They're caffeinated gums.

Cinnamon, 100 milligrams of caffeine per piece.

Effective and used by the Walter Reed Army Institute of Research.

They're these very sturdy packages, too.

like there's thick foil

because they're on the elements

and there are these

cinnamon gums

and each one

they recommend you only chew

one at a time

enough to wake you up

and not to overdo it

but stayalertgum.com

is the website

and I'll tell you

it's great

like when I'm at work

if I'm feeling a little tired

instead of drinking some coffee

and forcing myself up

to crash again

if you chew the gum

it's designed

so it's a slow release

kind of like

that Nicorette gum

you know

so you stay awake

but for a long

it's good for like

four hours

but it keeps you at an even wake

just enough to keep you up

a little bit alert

but not if you were to slam a Red Bull

that you get really hyper

and then you crash

this one is more like

a natural delayed release caffeine effect

it's really good actually

I was chewing it right now

I'm like

okay so anyway

playing music here

getting that password

and taking a look here

so we can see what that sounds like

as I said

with the voice change

I hope you all enjoyed that

current calls from last week's show

are not yet edited

I did. The podcast is now officially almost two weeks behind.

At the end of this show, I think it will be officially two weeks behind.

So I have four episodes to edit.

I did get your email for the unedited ones.

I sent it out. I sent out two of them at the same time on Thursday.

On Friday, you should have had. I'll send it again to you, my friend.

Maybe that's why Hollywood, maybe I didn't send them out.

Right, I don't know. Maybe I just sent it to myself on accident.

I'll check that out. Good point. Let me check my sent messages in a moment here.

No, I have them.

Oh, you do?

Oh, you haven't listened to them, I understand now, I'm sorry

I misinterpreted your voice, what was coming out of your mouth

I'm supposed to select four cats

LogMeIn has these really cool anti-spam features

Maybe it's the work they're doing downstairs, my friend

Alright, let's take a listen to this call that we just did with the voice changed

That's what she said

Hi, this is Joe Lanham.

Yes, hello, Joe.

Yes, this is Joe.

Joe, this is Dr. Nargas. I'm returning your call that you made today to me at 8 p.m. last week.

Yes, sir. How are you?

I am good. I am good. I am on my making packing to go to Jacksonville.

I need to visit the other house to put over Christmas tree, and we go there for a holiday every year.

We spend about two or three weeks in Jacksonville in my house over there.

So you're ready to come to Jacksonville, go to work for us then, aren't you, sir?

I have a season peak for Jaguars, you know.

I like football.

Huh?

Yeah.

So how do you stay for a job?

How do you have jobs?

The position that we are offering, sir, is a Monday through Friday, 8 o'clock to 5 o'clock.

And I should tell you, before I go further, I'm in a bad area on my cell phone.

If I lose you, I will call you back.

I have your cell number on my, I have this number on my cell phone.

Listen, listen, if you're in a bad area, don't pull over in the bad area

because the problem, like here in Miami, you pull over in the bad area

and they can, you know, they can do something to you.

They see a nice car or they see that you're like Peterson

and they might do something to you.

Get out to the bad area.

Do you know what?

Oh, yeah, we're okay.

No, we're up in Illinois right now on the way.

We were at the CME conference in Amelia Island.

So we're on the interstate.

Well, we're okay, but the opportunity is that Monday through Friday,

evening, no evenings, no weekends, no call.

All right, it doesn't sound believable.

I can't believe that guy actually fell for that.

What a dummy.

That guy must be desperate to get work or something.

You hear him?

But that's an interesting venture there, have the doctor visit you.

That's not really a niche.

Can you imagine you're working and you tell your boss you want to leave sick,

and he says, no, hang on a moment, and you call the physician company

They dispatch a doctor out in 30 minutes who gives you an evaluation, says that you're not really sick,

prescribes you some Pepto-Bismol, and then you get in trouble to work for it.

That would be something.

But it could be done one day.

It could be a voice changer, to be honest with you.

It sounds fairly, what's the word I'm trying to look for, you know, legitimate.

Whoa, does it sound legitimate?

I don't know.

It was a little too low.

I should have had my voice higher.

You're chomping in and out, Tuck.

Keep working on that, man.

You're like, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

You get that chop.

You get that dial-up chop.

Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop.

Tuck, do you know what I heard?

Tuck, last week they're talking about that free Wi-Fi internet anywhere in the country

that's going to be offered by the U.S. government.

Look out.

Are you excited about that?

I should help you out.

You're in the rural.

You're one of our rural people.

The only connection you have available to you is 56K.

He's restarting over there, Tuck.

He's going to reacquire his connection.

Apparently, we'll talk to him about that later.

But apparently, the FCC and Kevin Martin are trying to push.

Well, elements of the FCC, not all of them.

Kevin Martin is one in particular who's trying to pass a legislation

kind of to get a free broadband Internet to everybody in the country.

And where they're going to do it is using part of that wireless spectrum.

And every provider, every Internet provider,

would have to offer free Internet service,

which would be the slowest tier

and would probably block adult content, no porno, stuff like that.

that it probably would be monitored also pretty closely.

But it would be the free public Internet,

and although it's slower, it's still faster than dial-up,

and it's much more reliable, and it's wireless.

And it's going to be available on the Spectrum,

which is pretty much well-established,

part of it that's being auctioned off.

I got something with my breathing here.

I might be dying, folks.

Watch out.

I might need to call a visiting physician

and have a physician visit me.

Okay, so check this out, everybody.

We have the Chevron station for sale.

I think it would be nice to call for that.

At Chevron's store for a sale or a lease in Orlando.

Let's give that a call here.

In the meantime, let's play a song.

Don't know what to play exactly here.

Let's see what options I have available to me.

Don't want to play any of that.

Plenty of that.

Nunu's in the house.

Nunu's checking in.

Just checking in.

Hello, Nunu.

Thank you for checking in.

Curtis Mayfield is the song we're playing,

and the call we're doing is to buy a gas station.

Everybody, stand by.

Thank you.

And Nunu, this pillock has been on for about 20 minutes.

That house video feed on the website's still down.

Luckily, we're still up in Seneca.

Okay, good.

It's up to all the people watching and listening over there.

Thank you, syndicators.

I don't think we're going to get an answer here.

Yes, Don.

Is this Automated Petroleum?

May I speak with Big Don, please?

Speaking.

Don, how are you doing there, buddy?

Good.

Who's this?

Looking to buy a gas station.

This is Ralph.

Ralph Littlejohn.

How are you doing?

Ralph.

Ralph Littlejohn.

How are you?

Ralph, pardon?

I said, how are you doing, sir?

I'm doing fine, thanks.

I'm going into a meeting.

Can I call you back?

What kind of meeting are you going into?

An important one.

Not all that important, sir.

Can you just postpone the meeting?

this is very important sir this is my last quarter well i'm sorry uh i'd appreciate you

i'd appreciate you be a man of your honor and answer this call take the call right now you

can be late so all right thanks have a good day you asshole all right to place a call

fucking asshole i'm gonna buy gas stations from him whether he likes it or not i'm gonna force

him into negotiations everybody talk are you back how's your voice sounding yes still choppy

still choppy but we can deal with it don't worry about it i was saying that uh have you looked

into the free wireless internet

that's going to be coming out.

I don't think Tuck's hearing me either.

Let's do the full-time, part-time gas

electric company. I think we called them last week.

They didn't answer. Well, you should look into it, Tuck.

It affects you, Mr. Royal Internet

User.

Just a moment. Next call of the day.

Customer service rep.

Thank you for calling Total Marketing

Concept. If you know your party's

extension, please enter it now.

Otherwise, please hold for the next

available representative.

I know this song.

Yeah, I know this song for sure.

Guide, hello.

Hello.

What's going on, man?

Yeah.

Put me down for one of those job machines.

How may I help you?

Are you black?

How may I help you, sir?

You can put me down for one of your gas jobs.

You have to come in and fill out an application.

Then why do you put a phone number?

Why do you put a phone number in here?

Place a call.

Press 1.

You need to talk to her.

That's the lady that I called about.

that's a call called

it's a call to aggressive job application

or something

phantom call

okay that's aggressive

that's the same lady she remembers me from aggressive

let me contact that here

aggressive we'll get that marked

she got really upset last time because I was bothering her

alright so closet installers

people who install closets

Nunu wants us to call the depot diner

I don't think they like us there anymore Nunu

I'll give it a shot towards the end of the show

but I don't think that's going to go anywhere okay

They are on to us.

And apparently Ernie isn't even there today.

So what the fuck are you going to do?

Nunu asks, am I black?

Are you black?

LOL nice.

Yeah, I know, right?

Evil Artie checking in.

Big fat Evil Artie over at evilartie.biz.

Be sure to check out his website.

Subscribe to his blog.

Evil Artie representing the 386.

Closet installers.

We're going to look for a closet installing job.

Hang on, everybody.

Don't go anywhere.

Let me play a new song.

More Curtis Mayfield.

Short eyes.

You.

Let's get them to answer sometimes.

That's how I do it.

shit. Let's stop ringing. Ryan, terminate

the call, please. Alright. That one's not gonna

work. Which one was that? Closet Installers?

Let me try a different one here. Hang on, folks.

This is gonna be some kind of job. Don't go anywhere.

Oh, that's something I wanna do. Hang on.

Shut that music off, Tuck. Thank you.

You're on delay, so you're gonna stay in like two minutes.

Oh, yep, yep. Jin Stewart,

uh, I found out he's, uh, updated some

new prank calls up in his bitch.

He's got one called HFO Comp.

Let's take a look, see if that's any good.

Uh, he updated this, uh, five days

ago. I'm gonna see if I can get Jin to make an appearance

on the show

since we do this

early Monday show

it's only whatever time

it is over there now

I'm sure that

Nunu could tell us

since he's in the UK as well

you need to get in contact

with him sir

it's 4.30pm right now

so yeah we should try

to get in contact

with him one day

but let's listen to this here

HFO Comp

by Jen Stewart

over at jimstewart.com

Jen

I'm sorry not Jim

J-I-N as in Nancy

jimstewart.com

everybody

S-T-E-W-A-N

thank you for calling

the next available

representative

will assist you

shortly hello hello hello hello yeah yeah who am i speaking to you're speaking to daniel hello

danny how you doing buddy not bad is this yes mr stewart mr mr stewart mr stewart yeah hi mate

yeah how you doing not bad i can help you yeah i'm danny hey which which desk are you working

danny are you looking for me i think i'm the wrong number man danny i'm looking for you buddy

Is it?

Yeah, it is. Yeah, innit?

You know, I wanna know, would you like to get involved in a medical experiment?

An American experiment?

A medical experiment.

A medical experiment?

Yeah.

What does it involve, mate?

It involves me just opening you up and looking inside, eh?

Repeat that one more time, mate.

Yeah, I'd like to have a little look inside, you know what I mean?

Yeah, after or before I take a poo?

Eh?

After or before I take a poo?

Uh, whatever, really.

Yeah, um...

Oh my God.

I'm up for anything, mate.

Yeah? Well, when can I come over there and just give you a little snip?

Uh, well, I'm free after 4... 4... 4.55, mate. So any time after 2 minutes, if you want.

Yeah, so that's about... that's 4 minutes. Your clock's getting a bit far. I think you just want to clock out early, don't ya?

Do you know me, mate?

Yeah, mate, yeah.

Fuck, I get checked out, son. That's how we do it.

In it, in it, yeah. I'm coming over then, I'll meet you at the door, alright?

Alright, I know what you think.

See you in a bit!

See you in a minute!

Love ya!

Yeah, love you!

Hello?

I don't know yet, who am I talking to?

Tim!

Hello Timmy, how you doing Timmy?

Oh, not too bad, how are you?

Hello? Alright.

Erm, I was just wondering if I could come over really?

Hello?

Hello, Timmy!

Yeah, how can I help you?

Yeah, how you doing Timmy? Timmy?

I was wondering if I could, hello?

Hello?

Yeah, can I sit in front of your computer and type something in? Timmy?

Yeah, yeah, do you know where the computer is?

Yeah, Timmy?

Do you ever get on the phone and call people up and say, Timmy?

Hm?

I said, do you ever call people up on the phone and just say, Timmy?

Are you alright?

Yeah, I'm alright, how are you?

Yeah, I'm great, I've got to go do some work.

Well, I was wondering if I could... Hello?

Yeah?

Well, don't talk when I'm talking, you bloody idiot.

I wondered if I could come over and, you know, have a little bit of a...

I'll let you talk to yourself.

What?

I'll let you talk to yourself.

Why don't you come over and say it to my face, Timmy?

For services?

Hello, yes, who am I speaking to?

Okay, it's the same person.

Yeah. Hello.

Yeah, hello.

Hello, yes, who is this?

It's Mohammed.

Hello, Timmy, how are you?

Sorry?

How are you?

I'm good, sir, how are you?

Yeah, right. You know, I've been throwing water bombs at cars lately, and I've been timing the reaction speed of the drivers, you know.

Right, good for you, sir.

They've been stopping very quickly, some of them getting out and coming up to my house, you know.

I see.

They've been saying, Timmy, why are you throwing to me?

How can I help you, sir?

You can't really help me. I wondered if I could help you.

Uh, no, you can't.

I'd like to help you, Timmy. I'd like to give you a good scene, too.

Hmm?

Thank you very much, sir. Thank you for calling in.

Thank you, Timmy.

Good afternoon, Lord Watkins speaking.

Yeah, how you doing there, Mr. Watkins? Hey, how you tripping, boy?

Yeah, I was just listening to your, uh, whole music there. That was kind of kick-ass, huh?

Yes, um...

Yes, who's calling, please?

Yeah, it's Mr. Stewart. How you doing?

Hi, Mr. Stewart. Um, can I ask what this could be regarding?

Yeah, it's regarding your mom. She's been here, uh, you know, complaining about your behavior at home.

And I just wanted to say, you know, if you don't behave, Santa's not gonna give you any presents for Christmas. You know about that?

Uh, my mother's dead.

Yeah, I don't care about that. She's been talking to me from beyond the grave, you know that?

We were doing like the Indian dance all over the graveyard, and I was on your mother's grave,

and she came out and said, you know,

you gotta tell Lorde whatever since, you know,

that he's not behaving at home

and Santa's not gonna give him any presents this year

because he's being an ass.

He's calling people up and talking shit over the phone.

Okay, um, well, what I'm gonna suggest is, sir...

Yeah?

I hope all these phone calls are recorded for you

because they're quite amusing, sir.

Yeah, they're recorded on my end.

I don't know if they're recorded on your end,

but I sure hope so, so that you can play them to your boss.

And then, uh, your boss can, uh, you know, have a laugh, too, because, you know, it's important that the, uh, you know, the people who make the money actually, you know, get to have a little bit of amusement in their lives, you know?

Okay.

Not like the pawns, you know, there's, there's like, in chess, you have, like, the pawns, and you have, like, the, the middlemen, like, the, the rooks and the knights, and then you have the bishops and, obviously, the, the queen and the king, and very important pieces, you know, they won't lose those pieces.

Because otherwise, you're going to lose the game, you know?

You understand?

Yeah, I hear you.

Yeah, so talk to me.

Don't be quiet.

Don't be shy, boy.

You need to talk.

Hello, sir.

Yeah, give me your opinions on the global financial crisis.

Oh, this is the new guy.

Yes, it is.

How are you doing?

I hope you know all our calls are charged at £5 a minute.

Yeah, but I don't think so.

They're going to charge you for all the new calls.

There's more to that.

That's funny.

That's Jen Stewart again.

Again, that's Jen Stewart, S-T-E-W-A-R-T.com.

Be sure to check him out over there.

Funny guy.

Joins us occasionally.

Used to co-host a show along with Milkman and Tuck and all those crazy guys.

So, yeah, throw him a bone, why don't you?

And hopefully he'll join us here one day soon.

I've got a lot of different jobs here that I found while we were playing.

You used to have a show, and Milkman used to co-host a show.

Yeah, on Sundays.

Sunday afternoons, they used to do a show together.

That was fun.

All right, let's see what we've got here, punks.

appointment setters uh we got a job for assets i got assets um saw operator frame builder boulder

lube technician will train drivers uh construction traders we still have the uh cruise sales as well

we've got a lot of other stuff here now um we've got apprentice entry level that's we called them

earlier we called them a few months ago that apprentice early level that's the one that we

We found out that they were actually discriminating.

Assistant trainees for customer service for holiday help.

We've got a pool hisotech, which is actually, it's at a hospital.

I don't think it's like an actual pool, but I'm going to joke around with them.

With a Florida state license and histology, minimum of two years experience, maximum hours are 24 per week.

Apply online.

Are you joking around with them?

They're not taking your call seriously?

Well, I'm going to say that I'm a pool tech.

I know how to clean pools and stuff like that.

They're like, no, that's not where we're looking.

and it's another kind of pool.

And then we'll laugh and we'll laugh.

We're not really.

Pharmacy tech here also.

They're yanking their chain.

Right, we've got roadway positions,

crew leader, small machine operators.

They're wasting their company time.

Yeah, exactly.

On a busy Monday morning

when they're trying to make money

for the economy, to better the economy.

Laborers to perform mowing,

litter removal, and wetting.

Weeding, not wetting, weeding.

We've got janitor assistants here also, janitor and maintenance assistants, security guards, part-time, D license required, century security is the name of the company, HR manager, etc., etc.

When I want to call first, there's a number here for the newspaper itself, and it says new ad placement for your convenience.

Orlando Sentinel is available for new ad placements 24 hours a day.

So I'm going to call and get confused and tell them, yeah, I'm trying to get that job for new ad placement.

And they're going to say, no, no, no, that's if you have an ad that you want to put in the paper.

I'm like, no, no, no, it says here, you're looking for ad placers.

I want to get a job in that.

Let's call that, everybody.

Let's play a different song.

Nothing Morbid.

There we go.

Something upbeat.

It's Monday morning, for God's sake.

We have people at work listening.

Yes, hello, this is Ralph Littlejohn, and I'm applying in response to your ad that was under retail

tale in this orlando sentinel from yesterday i have experience with ad placement okay you're

talking to an ad that was that the orlando sentinel place right you folks put an ad here

says new ad placement i'm an ad place i have experience with ad placement in the newspaper

so i wanted to apply for this job okay read the whole thing to me new ad placement for your

convenience orlando sentinel classified is available for a new ad placement 24 hours a

a day position, seven days a week available, 365 days a year options, call 800, it has

your number.

So, I wanted to apply because I have retail experience and ad placement experience.

Okay, sir, that is not a job.

But it's in the job offers.

It says here job offers.

I realize that, sir, but it's not a position that we have available.

It's in the career builder.

I understand that, sir, if you would please let me finish my statement.

Why are you discriminating against me because I'm applying for a job?

Sir, I am not discriminating against you.

I'm trying to explain to you why that ad is there.

Because it's an open position.

No, it is not.

What I'm trying to explain to you is that is what we in the business call a house ad.

That is directed to the employer.

Okay, so this is the employer I'm calling for the employment.

Yeah, okay.

We do not have any positions available in the retail section.

What is your fax number there so I can send my fax or an e-mail address?

What I can, if you will, you can find out what positions the Orlando Sentinel has available

by going to our website, orlandosentinel.com.

Yeah, you can transfer me now.

Can you transfer me there, please?

Can you transfer me there now, please?

No, sir, I cannot.

You can't transfer me to get the jobs.

This is not fair.

I think it's because you know that you have the same job, that you're intimidated.

Sir, I am not intimidated.

I am a customer service rep.

And that's why I'm trying to get a job in customer service ad placement.

Okay, sir.

We do not, what I'm trying to explain to you is we do not have positions available.

This is horrible.

I don't really know what positions.

It says here you have a position, new ad placement retail, sales, new ad placement retail.

And then all of a sudden, oh, I don't have a position because you sound like you're going to make me look bad.

Well, I am not an HR person, sir.

I am not an HR person.

Well, I asked you to transfer me and you're refusing.

You're blocking me here.

You're interfering.

You're running interference.

No, I am not interfering with you, sir.

What is your ID number?

I don't have an ID number.

Well, I'm going to report you.

I'm going to report you to the career builder.

I don't work in career builder, sir.

Transfer me now.

I command you to transfer me.

Sir, you can command me all you want to.

I cannot transfer you to Career Builders because we are not part of Career Builders.

Okay, here's my...

I want to find out...

I'm going to ask you one question.

If you look on your...

Let me finish, please.

I can't.

I have a problem with letting people finish stuff.

Can I just do mine first and then I'll let you do yours because I don't want to forget.

It's a good point.

Please?

All right.

Okay, good deal.

Thank you so much for being understanding and professional.

Answer me yes or no.

Is there a button on your telephone machine that says transfer?

Yes.

Push that button and then put the extension in for CareerBuilder and then press transfer.

Now.

But you can finish what you need to say first.

I do not have a position.

I do not have a phone number for CareerBuilder.

Well, who handles human?

If you had to call your human resource director to see if your medical benefits were okay,

you can transfer me that number, right?

No, sir, I cannot, because our benefits are handled out of our office in Chicago.

Oh, the Tribune Company?

Yes.

Oh, that crap, those Republicans.

Please, maybe this is best that I don't get a job with you.

Are you a Republican?

Is that why that's what it is?

Because I'm a Democrat, maybe you're thinking, oh, we can't have this liberal here.

I understand, it's okay.

It has nothing to do with it.

It's called blackballing.

I can tell you how to find positions that are available with the Orlando Sentinel.

I just want you to know that Martin Luther King didn't sacrifice himself for this.

That has nothing to do with what you want.

Well, you're bastardizing the whole movement of free people.

No, I am not.

Shame on you.

I am trying to tell you how to locate positions that are available with the Orlando Sentinel.

Do you have sticky pads there?

I want you to write down shame and stick it on your computer monitor

and leave it there for a week until you...

I'm going to have to hang up with you now.

Shame.

Because you are insulting me.

Shame on you.

I'm shaming you.

And I will not continue to listen to it.

I'm holding my finger to the phone and I'm wiping it with the other finger.

Shame.

You hear it?

Shame, shame, shame.

Shame on you.

To place a call, press 1 to listen to your...

That was fun.

Poor lady on a Monday morning getting a call from some wackanut.

Yeah, I hope you guys enjoyed that.

sure we made her week hope everybody enjoyed that prank call as well as the others that we

made today we've got more coming up that was a good idea for that especially the shame let me

mark that as shame s-h-a-m-e done next is hr manager seven years experience needed reference

policy staff and development let's give it a shot all right finally what a fool

A fool believes he's a wise man, has the power.

Hey, is this the HR manager position?

Yes, it is.

Sorry, I was listening to some Doobie Brothers.

I was listening to some Doobie Brothers just a second ago.

I was singing a song.

I'm sorry.

Doobie Brothers.

You ever heard of them?

They sing that song, What a Fool Believes.

It was on the radio station.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

So what kind of work do you do?

Am I replacing you or what's going on?

No, you would not be replacing me.

If you're interested in the position, I'm asking everyone to send a resume to TMC Applications.

I'm accepting all submissions from you folks,

so if you guys want to send your requisition form to my e-mail address,

and I'll reply with my resume.

All right, we'll do that.

Thank you.

Well, do you need the e-mail address or what, sir?

To place a call, press 1 to listen to your...

I don't like that guy.

He sounds kind of effeminate.

Look at that guy.

They're annoying.

annoying we think their shit don't stink janitor maintenance up to 15 an hour let's give them a

call here sorry the official word is what my friend the stairwell that i used to come up here

on this side right is shit why do you have termites now how is it shape don't make sure

they're not giving taking you for a ride man they're probably making repairs they don't need

to make put them on the phone tell them to call me first oh no they need to make them there was

There's, like, no support at all on that stairwell.

I don't know, man.

I think they're doing more than they need.

You better make sure that you ask and approve to you.

Nothing was barely helped.

Listen, you have to realize this house was built in 1814.

By slaves.

Gotcha.

That's right, slave labor.

Those slaves could put a good spit shine on a construction job, man.

You're calling Assure, and this is Wanda speaking.

How may I help you?

Hey there, yeah, I was just talking about the slavery days and the construction back then.

Hey, can I apply for a job for janitor maintenance machine, please?

Sure. I'm going to go ahead and put you through to our job hotline.

Just go ahead and listen to the entire message.

And if you're still interested in the position, leave your name and your number and we'll get back to you.

Well, wait a minute. Hang on first. Is this in Orlando or where is it at?

It's in Altamont Springs on Douglas Avenue.

It's close to the intersection where 436 and I-4 is.

Do I have to touch the toilet?

Yes.

With my hands or do you give the gloves first before I touch the toilet?

We have gloves.

Okay, because people make, they make shit in the toilet sometimes.

sometimes. That's nasty. They, you know, it comes, it goes on the sides and the pee,

you know, the pee-pee and stuff. Occupational hazard. Yeah, but I use, if I use gloves and

I, I use plenty of, uh, hand sanitizer, I should be okay. I just like to, I just spray

Lysol on the toilet and that's it. I leave it alone. I just spray Lysol on it. It kills

everything. It, I mean, it still looks dirty, but at least it's, you know, it's not

effective. Alright, hold on one second. I'll get you to the hotline. I like to cut

corners and cheat. Fuck. Let's see if I can hit zero and get somewhere. Thank you

Thank you for calling about a position for maintenance.

Please hold while I try that extension.

One moment, please.

Awesome.

Thank you for calling Assure.

This is Wanda speaking.

How may I help you?

Hey, Wanda.

I just hit zero to get to take...

I don't want to listen to the message, but it transformed back to you.

So can I leave my information with you, then?

For the position?

Yeah, for the toilets.

You would have to leave a message in order to get somebody to return the call.

But whenever I hit zero, it transformed me back to you.

I'll try it again.

I'll hit zero when the message starts again.

No, you don't want to hit zero.

You just want to leave a message after you listen to the message.

Do I have to hit a button to leave the message?

Nope.

Just listen to the recording, and it'll beep, and then you leave your name and your number.

All right, Wanda, put me through.

Make it so.

All right, thanks.

Thank you.

Engage.

Bam.

I'm sorry.

Oops, I'm sorry.

I did it again.

Stanton says hit zero.

Stanton.

Hit zero on my left side.

Stanton wants you to hit zero.

While I try that extension.

One moment, please.

Press one to listen to your recorded call.

Press two.

No, that's okay.

Hey, Wanda, I hit zero again on accident.

Can you put me through?

Thanks.

Because she hung up on me.

Please hold while I drive at extension.

One moment, please.

I'm going to drive her crazy.

Thank you for calling Assured.

This is Wanda speaking.

How may I help you?

Wanda, I'm a dumbass.

I'm sorry.

Go ahead and put me back through.

I'm sorry.

Thank you for calling about a position for a maintenance person.

Watch this.

Assured is located in our...

Calling ICA.

Listen closely because our menus have changed.

To meet Marion Anderson...

Check all...

Please hold while I try that extension.

One moment, please.

You know they get hired by this job to follow the instructions.

ICA, good morning.

To place a call, press 1.

to listen to your recorded call

at minutes to your...

I said I put more than one on the line at the same time,

but I kind of screwed up.

Whoops.

That was fun.

Terrorizing Wanda.

I'm a dumbass.

I'm sorry.

Whoops.

What can I say?

I can't do it.

Wanda, everybody.

You're not going to get hired

if you can't follow your instructions properly.

Yeah.

All right, let's call security guards.

I'm going to tell them that

when I see black people coming to my store,

I always watch them closely.

I thought you looked at you, kids.

Follow your instructions carefully.

Hang on. Race to security coming up, folks.

Hello. I'd like to make an application for security guard work.

I have a lot of experience.

Okay. Do you have your D license?

I have a D license.

I have experience providing security for retail when ethnic people come in.

I know to sound the secret alarm, and we would do the code on the radio,

and we could watch them closely, and young people, too, because they do stuff.

Okay. You can come to the office on Monday through Thursday,

any time between 9 a.m. and 3 p.m., and fill out an application.

What kind of security work is this for?

For retail, in person, power...

This is trade shows.

Trade shows?

At the convention center.

That's great.

Do you have the closed door policy?

The closed door policy?

Right.

I'm not sure what that is.

Where you profile the guests and you give extra scrutiny for certain classifications of guests?

I like to do that because I find it's more effective.

Like when I worked at Universal Studios in the store,

and whenever I...

Hold on one second, please.

If I saw a group of black kids coming, I would always watch them a little, you know, follow them a little bit.

Okay, yeah, we don't do that.

Do you want to transfer me?

No, I'm going to put you on hold while I finish up with this other man.

Wait a minute now, I came first.

He was actually here.

What's his name?

I'm not going to give that out, but if you want to...

Can you put him on the phone, please, because I think you're lying.

If he's really there, put him on the phone and tell him to tell me.

Okay, I have to go.

You better not.

I command you to keep the phone open.

I'm going to put you on hold.

Hurry up.

Extra scrutiny, everybody.

We'll leave that in the background there, see if she does come back.

Gotta be extra scrutinous.

But you know, it's true, they do that.

They do that at the parks here in Orlando.

They actually, they see a group of Puerto Rican kids and stuff,

they'll start following them and calling on the radio,

breaker, breaker.

You got a pair of darkies over here, too.

The Kmart, when I, the city I grew up in, the Kmart used to do that.

Like, if I would come in, if I came in with a group of friends,

like if we were, you know, in high school or middle school,

they would always, like, there would always be one guy following us.

And Walmart was always big with that too

Their security

They would single out Hispanics

It was in the paper here locally

They had evidence

People that came out of there saying that

That they used to do that

She hung up in the background

Or I had the volume down

But we had fun enough with her

Alright that was

Security guards

Roadway positions

Crew leader

That's the dream job that I've always wanted

I might actually apply for that

you know the people

who stand at the roadway

and they hold the signs

and there's always just

one of them working

and the other four

standing around watching

and they're like

chewing dip

the new guy

they'll tell

hey new guy

go and rake those coals

over there

and they'll rake it

or make the hole

and the other guys

are standing around watching

and then

they have like

headphones on

sometimes

and all they do

is they just turn

the sign

that's the good work

right there

where you change the signs

and all that

But hang on, folks.

We're going to play another call in the meantime.

I've got to talk to my dad.

He's calling in here.

He said he was going to give me a call this morning.

This is him here.

In the meantime, let's...

Oh, shit.

I wanted to play the rest of that Jen Stewart call, and I actually freaking closed it.

Son of a gun.

Look at that crap.

Let me open it up again.

What's that website?

JenStewart.com, right?

Jensta.

JenStewart.com.

And we're playing HFO Computer Supplies or something like that, I think.

Take a look here.

We're going to play some music in the meantime.

Listen to this.

We'll play some prank calls here.

We'll be right back soon.

Grab my dick every time I pose for pictures

I own acres, floor seats watching the Lakers

I'm cool with S.A.'s who got A.K.'s and K.C.'s

Thank you for calling.

Yes, yes, I have a problem.

I got a big pain in my tooth.

I got a very big pain in my tooth.

It's very painful, you know.

Yeah, you got a sore tooth.

It's very painful.

I got a very big tooth in the back of my mouth.

It is very painful. It's a very hurting coming through. It's a pain hurting, you know, what can I do?

Is there something?

Is there something that is coming through the tooth is hurting?

What can I do?

Why are you ringing you idiot?

You son of a bitch, why are you talking funny?

Don't you have a job, sir?

Yeah, I have a job, but I work in early shift, so I get to fucking waste your time, you son of a motherfucker!

And you're a very poor man.

I'm very rich. I got more money than you've ever seen in your life, bitch.

And my interest is twice your yearly wages in a day, you son of a motherfucker!

Why are you calling?

Because I got a very big tooth in the back of my mouth. It's very, very big, you know?

Is that it? Is that all you want?

Yeah, yeah. How do I look after my tooth?

Is that it? Is that all you want, sir? Can you go away?

Yeah, I want to know, can you help me with my teeth?

Alright, bye-bye. Bye.

Oh, you son of a bitch!

You don't know how to help with tooth!

You should not be a dentist!

You should be some...

Dentist somewhere!

And I'll still hear you!

Good afternoon, HFO.

Yeah, good afternoon, mate. How you doing now?

How's it going?

How's it going, mate?

It's going well over there, or not?

Um, just give me a moment, sir.

I'll see if I can get someone to assist you.

Fucking lover, are you?

You have to do it in a fucking high-pitched voice, mate.

my fucking voice hurts get that fucker on the phone immediately fucking hell fuck shit i hope

they uh realized that it hello yeah hello sir what's the what's the issue sir all right man

how you doing there how's it cracking mate how's the whip cracking you know what i mean okay so um

i get that real crack out of the back of the whip if you really use the wrist mate just crack that

whip crack that baby right up you know yeah yeah no exactly what you mean what's your name there

Yeah, boy.

It's Alan.

Alan.

I thought your name was Timmy before.

No, no, no.

You like to change your name every time I call, or what's your problem, mate?

No, no, no.

You change your name more than I change my accent.

Yeah, no.

Now you're changing your accent.

It's a problem with you, mate.

You probably change your name more than you change your fucking underwear, you dirty bastard.

What's wrong with you?

That's a bit mean.

That's a bit harsh, wasn't it?

It's a bit fucking harsh.

Yeah, where I come from, we're a bit harsh, mate.

A lot of the family like to get the harsh way, you know?

I used to get the cane as a kid.

I used to get caned a lot, you know?

I used to be a bit fucking naughty at the table.

I used to say fucking shit a lot, you know?

So my father used to get my fucking hands on the table.

He used to get the fucking cane

and he used to fucking slam down on the motherfucking table.

And it fucking hurt.

I'll tell you that much now.

But it taught me a lesson.

It taught me one thing.

I NEVER SAY FUCK OR SHIT IN FRONT OF MY FATHER AGAIN!

NOW, WHAT I DO IS I CALL UP FUCKIN' IDIOTS ON THE PHONE

AND JUST SAY FUCKIN' SHIT TO THEM INSTEAD

CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE A FUCKIN' CANE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

HELLO?

I WAS FUCKIN' DIRTY, YA PIG!

Hello?

Hello, how are you?

Listen, I need your opinion.

I'll give you my opinion.

I just made this new tune, yeah?

It's called...

What do you think of it?

One sec, one sec. Here, here we go.

What did he do? Hello?

Yeah, I thought that was a bit shit, you know, it was very shit.

Yeah, that's the first verse, that's the first verse. What about the second verse? One sec.

Yeah.

Yeah, what do you think, man?

Thank you for calling. The next available representative will assist you shortly.

Mine's better, though. Mine's better.

Services.

Hello.

Services.

What about an account?

Print the number, please.

Do you have your address?

Yeah, you can find it.

Zero.

No.

What?

Listen, look, don't hang up, don't hang up on Trans Protocol.

for a call. Do you hear me?

Hello, don't hang up. Are you there?

Hello, yeah, I'm here. I was wondering if I could talk to Mr Kletchy.

I know, Kletchy's not available. Listen, type this number.

I need to talk to Mr Kletchy. It's a very important call. I need to ask him a few questions.

He's not available, though.

I can give you his number.

I need to dedicate him for me. I need to dedicate him on the phone.

No, I can give you his direct line.

I need to talk to him. I need to ask him a few questions.

Just take his direct line.

Sorry?

You just need to take his direct line.

Alright, I'm writing it down now. Give me a number.

Okay, it's 0203...

3i. 024...

123i.

84444.

789101112.

No, not 789101112.

The number I got, hold on.

Hold on a second there.

The number I got here is

123456789101112.

No, it's 0203-024-8444.

Is that the number? 0212-3456?

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

I'm going to call him the new O'Keefe.

All right, then.

Yay!

Jim Stewart, everybody, Jim Stewart.

I'm done talking to my dad.

Old man calling in about something he had heard about.

I had to give him a hand with a computer thing,

and he is up and about.

I'm usually up at 8 o'clock in the morning on Mondays.

Even though it's my day off, I do still like to get up still.

and act like I'm functioning

and do the show

stuff like that

I'm going to have to leave here

probably around 1

I've got some other stuff

to do around the

because I have a real life

do I remember that

remember when I said that

and you were so offended

like oh I have a real life

alright now

everybody

oh because artists

don't have real lives

that's right

DD

the dead

is listening I believe

or the dead is here

the dead in the house

what's up dad dad

thank you for listening

thank you for being on

maybe he'll join us

I asked him

I have invited him to call in

We have a pharmacy tech job

Let's call the pharmacy job

Just a moment folks

Pharmacy

We're calling human resources

Hi

Hi this is Ralph Littlejohn

I have experience in that pool

Hisotech stuff

I wanted to see if I could come in

As soon as possible

Okay

Let me put you through to a recruiter

Okay

So that they can speak to you

And you're talking about the lab hisotech right?

That's right the pool

Okay hold on just a second

It says pool here

Oh man you remember

Caddyshack

in the pool

where they put

the baby Ruth

inside the pool.

Yes.

Hi, this is

Barbara Heinbach

at Halifax Health

Human Resources.

I'm sorry,

I'm not able

to take a call

right now.

If you want to

transfer to someone

who is taking calls

for Barbara Heinbach,

push pound.

To transfer to an

Thank you for calling

Halifax Health

Human Resources.

Please listen to

the following options

and choose the appropriate

Thank you for calling

Human Resources.

Following speaking,

how may I help you?

Yes, hello.

I'm returning a call

from Barbara.

please engineering folks hi

this is barbara hind by human resources i'm sorry i'm not able to call

right now i'm not gonna have fun with that i could have left a message for callback i should

have done that i got the callback number stupid fucking carlos stupid motherfucker me the dead

checking in his screen name is he raped me good deal the dead awesome good to see that you were

were raped by him.

Community Health Centers is seeking a qualified tech

with a retail experience for our outpatient pharmacy clinics

in central Orlando.

Full time, no holidays or weekends.

Contact Paul.

And it gives his phone number and extension.

And they are an EOE, an Equal Opportunity Employer.

Let's give them a call.

Thank God they're an Equal Opportunity Employer.

I'll tell you what.

Haven't you ever heard of a killer?

The bombs have been to see.

We are open normal clinic hours

and we are closed from 1 to 2 for lunch.

Lazy bastards.

If you are calling for a prescription refill,

please allow 24 to 48 hours for a prescription to be filled.

If you have no refills on your medication available,

the pharmacy will contact your doctor.

If there are refills available...

Fuck up.

You have reached Winnegarden Pharmacy.

You have reached Winnegarden...

Your mailbox number.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm not logging in.

Start T.

You have reached Winnegarden Pharmacy.

Para Español, oprime la estrella.

Let me try accepting 165.

Please hold while I transfer you to Winter Barden Pharmacy.

Here we go. We got it.

1975.

Say good afternoon. How can I help you?

Be quiet. Hello, I want to make a job position opening for pharmacy tech.

You want to? I'm sorry?

Ralph Littlejohn says he told me to give a call here for a pharmacy position.

I like to put things in the bag, in the boxes.

I have experience in putting things in the bags for a pharmacy technician. Do you know?

What's your name?

This is Ralph Littlejohn.

And how many years of experience do you have?

I have, like, five years, about five years experience putting things in the bags.

Ralph Johnson, right?

Little John.

Okay, one second.

Apologize for the delay.

Please remain on the line.

Your call will be answered shortly.

Thank you.

He's got a smooth voice, this guy.

Noonan wants us to call a fat woman named Marilyn Wann.

I guess so.

He's saying it in all caps, so I better do it.

He's got a whole story, a whole docket for the woman.

For the pharmacy job.

Thank you for calling.

And welcome to the Winter Garden Family and Children's Health Center.

Yeah.

Located at 1210 East Plant Street in Winter Garden, Florida.

Plant.

This is me recording.

Please remain on the line.

We'll be with you momentarily.

After this, let's see what else we got here.

No look with the vector.

Pharmacy tech is what we're doing now.

We also have HR manager.

We call that.

Roadway positions.

I haven't called that yet.

Give that a call next.

The Winter Garden Family and Children's Health Center.

We offer adult care, pediatrics, and OBGYN services.

We've got servers, bartenders, hosts, and hostesses.

And cooks.

Your call will be answered shortly.

Give them a call as well.

Actors, extra models.

From where dreams become reality.

United Media Arts Center.

Another talent agency.

Let's give them a call.

Your medical care at Winter Garden.

Oh my God, we're in an internal hole.

Board certified physician.

I'm wasting all my phone minutes on those Puerto Ricans over there.

Come on, man.

Come on.

Telemarketing pros is here.

I think it's probably by the sentence.

They get along with run-on sentences.

But commas separate the sentences and you get charged per comma also.

They charge by the punctuation.

Like if it's an exclamation point, if you have to be excited for it, they charge more for that sentence.

I don't know.

That's how they should do it.

That's how I would do it.

Make more money that way.

All right.

I've got appointment setters here.

Let's give appointment setters a call.

Apply today.

Start today.

Full-time work.

Cool.

They gave me all I needed.

Apply today.

Start today.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

One moment.

Travel, may I help you?

Hello.

How are you, sir?

How are you?

I'm good.

I'm calling to accept the position for appointment setters for start today, pay today, apply today.

Let's do it.

What did you say again?

You said appointment setters.

Apply today.

Start today.

So I'm ready to apply and start today.

No, thank you very much.

Okay.

How do I make an application?

You have to send it by mail.

Okay.

What kind of appointment setting do you folks do there?

No, this is a travel agency, and we're not taking any, we don't have any positions.

Listen, listen, listen, listen.

I've got you down here, Mr. Cho, for a 12.30 p.m. appointment, Monday, December the 15th.

Please be sure to bring all your paperwork with you and arrive 15 minutes earlier if you've never been to the office before.

You see that?

That's beautiful.

Beautiful. Put me down for appointment setting and I can do it, Mr. Cho.

I believe you have the wrong number, sir.

What is your name? What is your name?

Okay, bye-bye.

What is your name, god damn you, son of a bitch?

God damn fucker.

Thank you for calling. How can I help you?

Yes, hello. I was speaking to a gentleman there who hung up the phone on me.

I was calling to confirm my appointment tomorrow for the start.

Okay. What's your name?

This is Ralph Littlejohn.

Okay. And you had an appointment tomorrow?

Well, exactly. It says here, apply today, start today for appointment setting, so I wanted to make that for tomorrow.

Okay. Oh, sure, yeah. I can give you, what's your phone number?

My name is 407-459-45347.

45347?

Right.

I'm an experienced appointment setter. I confirm when people call and say, yes, Mr. Chong, your appointment is for December 15th, Monday at 1230 p.m.

your confirmation number

and I give them

the confirmation number

and then they

I tell them

like you know

you're supposed to bring

paperwork

you're supposed to bring

your stool sample

you're supposed to bring

your private lab work

with you

I say you're supposed

to fast

make a fasting

the first urine of the day

is to collect

the first urine of the day

and everything

okay

well what I could do

is I could give you

our address

and if you come by tomorrow

and fill out an application

before 12

should I collect my urine

before

should I collect

collect the urine before i come in hello sir i'm sorry hello sir can you hear me what was that i

said hello sir can you hear me i was asking if i need to bring the collection of the urine with

me for tomorrow no i'm calling to confirm uh sir what are the requirements and what do i have to

bring i'm just confused and that sucks and i'm running out of phone card minutes also it's

probably going to be time to end things here make sure i clear that line let's um kokanee's asking

and if he raped me

is the dead

yes the dead is

and I was

man I'm in the mood

I'm in the mood for

I haven't had breakfast yet

I think I'm going to make

a toast

I'm going to make some

I got some stone ground

wheat bread over there

with only 5 grams of carbs

per slice

I'm going to toast myself

two of those

I'm going to put

I got some diet cheese

I'm going to put that

and I'm going to make

an egg white

egg white omelette

real quick

and I'm going to put that

on the toast

with cheese

I'm going to eat one of those

and I'm going to take

my diabetes pills also

it's going to be so good

I might have another coffee

feel so while i'm at it having a lot of caffeine today everybody it's now 12 30 p.m 9 30 p.m on

the west coast 12 30 p.m on the east coast that is if you're listening or watching if you are i

have the camera still maybe i should turn the cam off again right cam on again there we go now you

can see me again see evil arty's in the house what's up evil arty nice to see you in there

the dead checking in as i said a thousand times spin the kit bad boys of iowa checking in as well

Nunu in the house as well

He wants me to call a fat woman

That's right

Let's call the fat woman

With what's left of our minutes

And we're going to call it a day

Look at me

I've been really good today

With not saying night

Instead of day

God yes

Jack is

Hi it's Marilyn

Hello

This is Jack Masterson

Ralph Littlejohn

Suggested I give you a call

I had an issue

With my current employer

I feel they were

Discriminating against me

Because of my size

I became

Diuretic

I had a thyroid

This happened when I was working a plant contamination in the water,

and I was drinking the top water, the coffee, like when I used to drink water.

And it affected me.

They said that I couldn't work there anymore because I failed three physicals in a row.

But afterwards, we found out that it was more than likely caused because of damage that happened

because of the top water and the contamination in the fire plant.

They would dump all the liquids that they used to clean the tools that they used in the power plant.

They would dump it down in the sink, and it was going into the water table.

And every time that I was drinking water, it was affecting my glands.

I fell right, and I gained just short of 200 pounds.

I'm actually an attorney or any kind of legal representative,

but I can refer you to a person who does work on weight discrimination cases.

You can have a free first conversation with her just to find out what your options are.

Sometimes I can't read a lot.

I think it's fascinating.

It feels like a thousand knives of fire in my chest sometimes.

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

I started feeling dizzy, and then my left arm was, like, shooting pain and going numb.

So I decided to sit down.

Are you under medical care right now?

No, I don't have.

I lost benefits.

And then it, like, was under treadmill, like, an hour ago,

and it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest.

I just sat down here, and I had an iced tea, and I'm feeling a little better.

Wow, okay.

Okay. What I'm suggesting is that I need to give you a different phone number, that I'm, you know, I'm not an attorney and I don't, you know, take on cases, but I have a colleague who is an attorney and who is very educated in weight discrimination, so.

Should I be concerned if I show the arrest?

If you what?

I don't know, I just, I don't feel, I got like my jaw, just a pain from my jaw down

all the way to my fingertips on one of my arms.

Yeah, that's something to be concerned about.

Can you go to an emergency room or a...

I think I can, I can get in my van.

Yeah.

Ah, it's hard, it's hard.

Why don't you, why don't you take care of yourself now and call me back when I, when

you're feeling better, okay?

Because I'm concerned that you're...

Ah, if I take more than like 10 steps, I start sweating.

and it feels like a donkey in my chest,

like sitting on an elephant on my chest.

So either I can give you a phone number as a referral

or you can go take care of your health stuff, okay?

Sorry, I really feel like if you're having that much pain,

you need to go take care of yourself.

I think if I go to the bathroom, I feel better.

Yeah, I think it's...

Your balance will grow.

To add minutes using a credit card...

Ran out of minutes, damn it.

Just hit zero on the counter

Damn it

I was about to say

You know

I was going to say

You know Elvis died on the toilet

I was about to

Go a little over that

Classic line right there

Shit

I was about to go that route

But I ran out of minutes

Alright that was fun

That's Jack Masterson

Maybe next time

Hello

Are you calling on Skype?

Okay what's up?

How you doing

Artie

Evil Artie what's up?

I wanted to ask you something

Do you know why

Tuck calls himself that?

Tuck what do you call

Because he tucks it back.

Look at my cam.

Oh, no.

You're not tucking it back, are you?

Oh, man.

That's disgusting.

How did you do that mangina?

How long can you hold that for, that pose?

Well, if it's hard, I can hold it for a long time.

That's disgusting.

You can do that on camera?

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, God.

You're a kitten.

That's disgusting, man.

How did you learn to do that?

Were you looking at yourself in the mirror and you decided to try doing it one day?

Well, it's a variant from the other film that is.

It could bend over.

Is that legal?

I mean, can you put that up on the now?

I guess it is.

There's no nudity.

It's just mangina and muff.

I don't know if it's flagging you.

Flag the boy right now.

I clarified it with you, Liz.

But you need to,

it looks like you're shaving your private area then, right?

You need to grow a bigger bush than that, man.

It'll look really funny.

It'll last months.

Is it growing back yet?

When it's back to like normal,

like after like a few months of shaving?

Yeah, then do it again

so it looks like you got that big muff,

you know, the big hairy thing.

Then it'll look like a vagina

because, you know, hairy pussy,

so you can't really see it unless you're really close.

So that's cool, man.

I thought it was about time I come back here,

come back there, Carlito,

and bring my mangina with me.

Well, there's certain things you've got to do.

First of all, you farted several times

and you kept making a lot of noise on the phone.

You can't be chewing on the mic.

You can't talk loud on the phone.

If you think you can control yourself,

maybe I'll have you back for another show.

But you ruined an entire show

I couldn't even put on the podcast.

I had to, like, leave it off.

The audio was, like, it was unlistenable

because of your constant chewing pieces of plastic.

Okay.

There's a lot of lag.

I'm hearing it from my headphones.

You're hearing...

It sounds like you're playing a reverse amnesia here.

But we'll think about it.

Yeah.

We'll think about it.

We'll talk.

Maybe I'll have you this week or maybe next Monday.

We could do a Monday show together.

Something like that.

Yeah, that would be fun.

But I can't get up early enough to be there for the whole show.

That's what she said.

Well, you have to try, man.

You don't live in Orlando anymore.

Are you completely out of it?

When does it start?

Is your dorm still packed with your stuff or did you move it all out yet?

No, I turned my key in, though.

You're turning it in.

I'm going to mail it in, because if you turn it in in person, they've got to do a walkthrough, and it's a fucking mess still.

What about your TV and your bed and all that stuff?

What's going on with that?

Look at my cam.

Hold on.

The bed is theirs.

Okay.

Oh, you've got that bunk bed that's, like, connected to the wall?

Yeah.

There's the TV.

Oh, you already brought it with you, then.

You've got peanut butter?

What else have you got?

Show me the house.

Real quick.

This is a Cribs.

Evil Artie Cribs.

There's your bed.

You need to make that bed.

What's on the floor?

Let's see the floor.

Show me the floor.

It's a dorm room.

We should only take...

You see your wireless modem.

Okay.

You see, look at that pile of laundry there on the floor.

That's a nice house.

Why do you keep it so nasty for, dude?

You got to clean your room, bro.

That's your mouth.

That's where your brother's penis goes into.

I see that.

There, yeah.

All right.

Good deal.

I'm kidding.

Look at this.

Do you know what that is?

Oh, no.

What is that?

That's a Hot Pockets thing.

Oh, okay.

You're reading Hot Pockets.

You got some CDs in the background.

All right, man.

So pick up all your trash from the floor.

We could start with that.

It looks Laffy Taffy.

That Laffy Taffy.

Good deal.

Well, I mean, it's not as bad as I thought your room would be, but it doesn't look like

it would take you that long to clean.

I just cleaned it up.

That is not clean, man.

You got, like, so...

No, you shouldn't have seen it.

It looks...

You have a towel in the corner.

It's probably all, like, mildewing waterlogged because he took it...

Yeah, there was a blue thing over there on the floor somewhere, man.

Get a hamper.

Put your shorts in the hamper when you take them off and just leave stuff in the corner.

The hamper's right there, but it's far.

It's too far.

You can throw it, can't you?

No, man.

Just leave it up.

Take the lid off.

Get it back.

That's all it is.

And Kokini says,

move in with Carlito.

No, that's okay.

No, thank you.

Yeah, I'll move in with Carlito.

That's okay.

We got some company

coming over this weekend.

Maybe you can meet her.

Maybe we can set you up

with a date with Aaron,

one of Athena's best friends.

She's got a daughter.

She's my age.

She's in her late 20s, man.

Get yourself some of that.

I have no baby mama.

She's a baby mama,

but I'll tell you what.

I think you and her

will make a good couple.

I'll bring it up to Athena.

Oh, hey, Artie, did you see my show?

I'm talking to another girl more my age with less fucking drama.

Hey, did you see me on Saturday?

Did you see this keg that I'm showing up here?

Did you see me drink this whole 5-liter keg of Heineken Light during...

I drank it during...

Dude, Saturday night.

On Saturday night during, um...

During Hook Knows His Show.

While I was on Cam 1 the whole time,

I drank this entire 5-liter keg of Heineken Light live on the air.

Drunk off my ass.

I had the most tremendous hangover all day yesterday.

Really, yeah, I think they crewed me up then.

But, yeah, I drank this entire...

Listen, this is what's left.

there's a little bit on the very bottom that won't come out it's good it's a carbon dude that's it's

been here for like five days it's skunky no it's been here for like three days with no refrigeration

it's bad it's skunked up let me let me try to pour some hang on listen oh shit some did come out of

it it's still it's still got a little bit but it's nasty but i drank for the most part a whole

small keg of heineken i was so hungover yesterday morning oh it was so horrible i woke up woke up

at around 12 30 huge headache i mean but uh dude um what's his face hook nose was cracking up

He's like, look at Carlito over there, drunk off his ass.

I was like, yeah.

You know, I was all drunk.

Yeah, drunk Mexican.

Dino was cracking up, and gee whiz, they're all laughing at me,

making an ass out of myself drunk, drinking beer after beer.

Oh, you remember that when I was drunk?

No, I wasn't around for that.

Weren't you drinking your pee once?

Actually, I think I did it on your show.

I remember that.

You don't drink.

You never drank here.

Just last week or something, I got shit.

On cam?

God.

And twice the motherfucker.

Well, there you go, man.

That's awesome.

So, yeah, we'll talk.

We'll talk about getting you back here for a show soon, all right?

All right, man.

Take care

Great fucking show man

I fucked my fucking ass off

It's been okay

No problem man

Thanks

So do you have a regular show still

Or what's your deal now?

I didn't do one last week

Because I was like

Taking a bit of a fucking break

Like detox

Okay

Detoxing from the internet

Yeah and

I think I'm gonna do it

Alright cool

When is it supposed to be?

Midnight

Eastern

Wednesdays at midnight

Alright dude

Take care of yourself

That's Evil Artie everybody

Artie.biz

Thank you

Artie in the house

Checking in

Awesome

We're out of phone card minutes

I don't feel like buying anymore

more i think we've done plenty of prank calls for the day we've had fun well we can run another one

o'clock hour here we have another 15 minutes if you'd like we can play um hey uh tuck do you

remember those uh calls that we did uh last week remember um what's his face uh the perfect night

prank call that reclu did the reclu did this uh serial killer kind of call it's pretty creepy

uh listen to this it's nine minutes long so we'll play this for a little bit here i'm going to grab

have a sandwich here real quick for breakfast and we'll be right back and we'll wrap things up

okay do you know what time you're here you you gotta help me i was here about three hours ago

tried to fill up my gas can and somebody done run off with it i don't know whatever to do

i'm not even from town hello yeah um hello how can you help me somebody done run off on my gas

I don't know whatever to do.

I'm not even from town, and I can't call the police.

I don't know the number.

I don't want to get the police involved either.

I'm from out of town, and somebody ran off on my gas can.

There's loud music in the background.

Oh, you guys got maybe I can just get some food instead?

I'm hungry because I'm traveling country,

so I was wondering if you'd just maybe give me a discount on a sandwich.

I call it even.

Could out of something in the, my, our warmer.

Oh, yeah, your warmer?

What is it, is it, what kind of delicacies do you provide?

It is like hot dogs and...

Oh, God.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Going down, I think I'll be down there a few.

Can you put some of them hot dogs aside for me?

Yeah, I can do that.

That kind of makes me a little riled up talking about that that way.

So, yes, I can do that for you.

Am I making you uneasy at all?

No, not really.

My voice making you a little creeped out a little bit, because I kind of sense it.

I have that sixth sense that some people got, and I can kind of sense it, but that's okay.

I creep a lot of people out, and there's probably reasons that I do that I shouldn't talk.

I said too much.

How are you doing tonight?

I am doing just fine.

That's sweet.

How late are you guys open down there?

11 o'clock.

11 o'clock, that's great.

So I've pretty much got like an hour to get there.

Right.

An hour to get there.

You're going to be there all night?

How long does it take you to clean up the place after you close?

Usually an hour.

Sweet. That'll work out perfectly.

Great. You guys sell any of the over-the-counter black beauty pills?

No.

Energy pills or drinks? What do you guys got down there?

Yeah, we have energy drinks here.

So you guys have a pantry? What does that mean?

It's just like a... there's just different things we've got.

Oh, that's great. You sure seem talkative. That's real nice. I like that a lot.

That's really great.

That agrees with me.

I really like that.

Yeah.

So, yeah, but I can do that for you if you want, if you like.

That's great.

I'll be, I'm telling you, I'll be down.

I'm not even joking.

I'll be down.

Okay.

So, uh, you guys close at 11, you'll be off at midnight?

That's great.

Are there any bars around that I can maybe take you to one?

Not here.

That's fine.

So, how long do we have to drive?

What's that beeping?

Does that mean?

Holy Jesus.

How far is it near the bar I can take you to?

Fifty miles.

Okay. Well, I've got a pretty decent car, so I figure we'd save on gas.

Just navigate for me, and I won't drink. You can drink all you want to. I'll buy you the drinks.

You've got a really nice Midwestern accent. I have the same accent. I'm from a little more south.

I'll be right down, baby.

Kind of great. They gave me some of them delicacies.

I could do that.

Sweet. Oh, that's great. You have anybody else working there with you right now?

No, I don't.

Workout, great.

It sounds like it's a big night.

It sounds like it's a perfect night in this town.

I better get going so I can get some stuff done.

That's fine.

I mean, you can, I'll just wait.

I'll be down, I'll just wait and then take care of it from there.

What do you like to drink?

What's your favorite drink?

Just about anything.

So you drink beers or vodka or whiskey or what do you prefer?

It doesn't matter.

Cool.

Do you party?

A little bit, yes.

That's great.

I mean, it's just shaping up to be the perfect night.

Shaping up to be the perfect night.

And I've never seen a night so perfect in a long time, especially since I've been through Tennessee.

see and i don't even live there i just kind of go through there every now and then right that's

why that's the last place i stopped at where the last encounter but it was a beautiful night then

too i don't know if it's as perfect as this one but it was pretty good right hey that's fine i

mean are there many policemen in this town few yes but not very many that's good that's even

more perfect this just keeps getting better and better you're saying all the right things

Sweet, are you Italian, honey?

No.

Well, that's good.

Actually, better, are you part German?

Right, because I come from the motherland myself through relatives.

Right.

I'm not even talking about the Jews either.

I'm not really worried about them too much.

Fine, I think we've discussed everything we need to discuss,

and now just take a plan of action.

So I'll be down there a little bit,

and I can get maybe directions to the bar ahead of time.

I can plan out everything, and maybe I'll just drive it a couple times

and just make sure I know the way.

So, you know what I mean?

It's a lot easier that way, I think.

That'll make things go a lot smoother.

Right.

Great.

Well, I like your voice, and I appreciate you talking to me.

Really cool.

So, I guess that wraps it up for now.

But then, you know, 15 minutes, you'll see me.

And then, pretty much, we'll just go from there.

Okay.

See you then, darling.

Right.

Bye.

That was Reclute's call from last week, from Thursday, known as the perfect night.

Yes, please kill a Reclute girl.

I see Angela Summers, who made an appearance, I believe, on Hook Knows the Show on Saturday

when I was drunk off my ass.

I was drinking a lot of Heineken.

She's checking in here.

Her website is Angela Summers.

That's S-O-M-M-E-R-S, AngelaSummers.com.

In the meantime, we're done.

I'm done.

You're done.

We're all done.

Tuck, thank you.

What does she do?

She takes pictures of her sweet little ass.

That's what she does.

You got to go to that site.

You'll see what she does.

She's got nice eyes.

She's got those green eyes.

Oh, my own.

Yeah, man.

Telling you, maybe I'll put one up on the cam one day or something like that.

I mean, that's what she called in.

We could talk dirty.

Anyway, I want to thank everyone for listening.

We'll be back on Thursday night at 10 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

That's 7 p.m. Pacific.

Somebody post in the chat room that link.

I will in a second, dude.

Don't worry about it.

Get your stuff, get your tissues ready, Tuck.

The website is madhouselive.com.

Again, our website.

As you're getting your tissues ready, go to tuckermike.com.

That's right.

Tuckermike.com is your website.

Madhouselive.com is mine.

And syndicate radio.tv is the other one.

and all that stuff

and Madhouse Live, of course,

and who knows what not.

Angel Summers, apparently.

Yeah, that's right.

MadhouseLive.com's got the forums there.

We've got our prank calls,

our archives,

our podcast,

our video archives.

All that stuff is there.

Be sure to check that out.

At your leisure.

You know, I haven't gone to the forums

in a long, long time.

You haven't posted there

since September, it shows, I think,

or something like that.

Know what I'm saying?

Oh, God, yeah.

I haven't even gone there

in probably two weeks.

Jake Jekyll says,

says, Yo, Carlito, just because I ain't a chick doesn't mean

you can't pop my site also.

MySpace.com forward slash

slayings, the number four

fun, F-U-N.com.

Again, that's MySpace.com forward slash

slayings, S-L-A-Y-A

N-G-S

four, the number four, fun.

May I suggest, Jake Jekyll, that you

choose an easier one to give out over

the air and audio, because that's impossible.

Is it F-O-R? Is it F-O-U-R?

Is it the number four?

Yeah.

Anyway, we're out of here, folks.

We'll catch you on Thursday.

Thank you for listening.

Why did we go there, though?

We're never going to go there now.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you!

Fucking penis!

Yes!

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Calls (26, 1 h 17 min of 2 h 6 min)

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