2008-12-18 Show

I'm a one-year-old police, fire, medical.

Who the fuck is this?

Fucker, who is this?

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

You motherfucking prick!

What do you say, let's all get together and welcome the gang!

Watch this, it's a heartache, it's so sluggish.

Good evening everybody, Madhouse Radio has begun.

Motherfucker.

Fuck you, bitch motherfucker.

We're here, prepared to do...

Prepared to break.

Prepare to commit many misdemeanors in one night

I'm Carlito

Over here with me is Milkman

Milkman

That's right we're back

All our friends out there

We love you

Get ready for an ass kicking

Whatever

And also Tuck is here

Tuck

Alright Tuck everybody

Alright good deal

So we're here to make a show

It has a flinging.

Whatever.

All right, so what do you guys want us to do?

What do we do tonight?

All right.

We do whatever tonight?

Is that what the deal is?

We're going to do just that.

Whatever?

That's how you brought it up.

We want to whatever it, that song of ours.

Tonight's show is brought to you, is actually sponsored tonight.

It's our first sponsor ever.

Actually, Milkman, if you could hold the music there for a second.

Good sir.

I'd appreciate it.

All right.

Here we go.

All right.

Here we go.

This is an awesome event here.

It's the first time I'm actually getting paid by a real sponsor here to actually advertise this for them.

So everyone, the first hour of Madhouse Radio tonight is brought to you by the Hemorrhoid Relief Center of Central Florida.

You can visit them at hemorrhoidreliefcenter.com.

Sponsor the first hour of the show.

We will be giving away $10 tonight, courtesy of the Hemorrhoid Relief Center of Central Florida.

Thank you, everybody.

Be sure to send in your prank call request tonight.

Visit our website at madhouselive.com.

Especially this holiday time.

That's right.

And the way the economy is right now, it's hard to get sponsors.

You know what I'm sending myself on tonight?

I've got drinking water.

i got a cheap brand gallon at the gas station you know the gas station uh milkman and tuck that

there's different kinds of gas stations in florida i don't know if it's like this around the world

around the country or around the world but here in florida you got your nice gas station you know

where you walk in and it smells like coffee and they got different flavors of coffee and got

cappuccino machine and they make sandwiches right there oh yeah i love arabic gas stations man no

No, they're not Arabic.

I'm talking, they're like your BP's.

They're ultra clean, and it's like walking into a grocery store.

And then you got your good old boy, your country ones is the one we got right up next to here.

Oh, like the ones that have falafel and hummus?

I like the ones that have chicken.

I like the ones that have fried chicken, gizzards, and hearts, and potato wedges with good trucker food.

I like a good trucker gas station.

You know what I really love?

Pickled peanut.

Anyway, I got the cheap brand drinking water.

What brand is this?

it just says drinking water it doesn't even have a brand name holy shit this is drinking water brand

drinking water they don't even say poland springs on it no it honestly it doesn't have a brand at

all it says drinking water that's what the label is on this it cost me 52 imitation artificial

generic water water that's all it says drinking water that's like all right oh here we go

distributed by walgreen company by walk i didn't buy it in a walgreens though i'm confused man

wow that's not hard to do milkman playing the guitar tonight milkman where are you gonna be

playing for us there you mother my water right fucking asshole because yeah there's no uh crazy

fluctuations it's right oh hell drink about a gallon man that's a shot i don't give a fuck i

didn't i'm just drinking water straight out of the gallon it tastes good it's all i drink anymore

living on water dude not living on water but i am i did stop drinking soda as much

and i'm just trying to drink a lot of water all right guys knock it off falls drinking fish tank

water i want to thank everyone who's joining us in the chat room welcome back folly folly fall

my sister fall welcome back long missing but she is back when i was a kid we had a fish tank and i

hated cleaning that thing it's so nasty fish tanks you know if you're gonna have a fish tank if i'm

ever gonna get a fish tank ever again in my life it's gonna be where i'm paying someone to come out

out every week and clean it and me i'll feed them but someone needs to come out every week and make

sure the water's all down two weeks anyway why even bother i'll get you know i would you know

i would like to get us you know what freshwater aquariums suck man that that's boring fish if

you're going to get an aquarium first of all when i if i ever do get an aquarium it's going to be

when i'm making enough money to to do it right you got to get a saltwater aquarium but those

You know how expensive and how fucking, how, just to purchase the equipment and to maintain it.

You're testing water on and taking it in and getting it labbed up and adding salt and adding this and adding microbes.

And you've got to have the living plants and the ecosystem.

That's like a science, man.

I'd pay someone to come out and do that myself.

You really have to have a large tank to make it go off easy, man.

Man, I used to be a fish breeder, and the freshwater is a lot easier.

But a salt tank is quite a tough job, man.

You have a lot of stuff you've got to really worry about.

And a freaking saltwater fish is expensive.

They're expensive.

I know.

Those fish, they're super expensive.

I wonder how much it is to cost to buy a clownfish, like from Little Nemo.

All right, Milkman, you're going to have to take it easy with the guitar.

give us another expertise here yeah they taste really good though man if you cook enough sushi

man there ain't no clown fish geez msc3 clay has a clown fish so how much do you pay for your

aquarium stuff man one day i will own a huge saltwater with a shark in it i'll have a toy

shark ever seen those toy sharks they don't get really big they stay small man wrasses are really

cool looking fish man they're really pretty like a blue rat whatever i'm gonna put some black lights

in there and a foam machine inside it we should call aquariums tonight man for some reason i just

want to talk aquariums i want to prank call oh yeah well i want to put a i want to put a tv

inside the aquarium for your fish man yo put a flat screen in it i'm really good with biospheres

i shit and piss in my aquarium every day hey guys i don't know if you've seen this but um

Um, I stumbled across some of the funniest, my favorite of all the Whack Packers on the

Stern Show is Beetlejuice.

He's the funniest fucking guy.

It's always so fucking good when he's on.

Beetlejuice, man, is, is the best of all the Whack Packers.

And I found, I don't know if you, have you ever seen, uh, Tuck?

I ran across this on YouTube.

It's out there.

I should play it tonight for people to watch on the video.

Um, they, they did, uh, uh, Howard Stern Cribs, just like MTV Cribs, but it was with

Beetlejuice's house.

They did a few of them.

But the one with Beelgeuse is so funny

Because he's like

He's acting all normal

It's really funny just the way he's talking

He's like talking about his bathroom

He's like yo yeah

This is where I come from so I take a shit

Yeah

He shows how he takes a shit

And this is where I take a shit

This is how you wipe the ass

And you wash your hands

I was like oh my god

Yeah I would love to see that

Where is Lonesome Losers here

Oh good

Good, good, I was wondering.

No, Leggo made a recording of that once.

I'm sure he did, of pooping, yeah, yeah, that's good.

You know, you want to play that song?

Leggo has a song that came out a few years ago.

I don't know if you've heard of it, it's called Taking the Shit.

I like that song, that Athena song he did, that was a good one.

Oh, I haven't heard that one, but the Athena song was a good one.

This is a gold album that Dr. Leggo had, the gross tape.

This one is called Taking the Shit, 1996.

We're coming up with the first prank call in a moment.

Who it is, I don't know.

No, it's a wild card.

Prick off, motherfucker.

It's a mouth.

All right, hang on, everybody, because I was on the PayPal page buying more minutes for the phone card,

and I forgot to hit that because they make you confirm so many times.

But PayPal's like, enter here.

Confirm here.

Confirm.

Are you sure?

Ship to here.

Now, really, really confirm.

So I got to the very last one, and I left it up there.

I thought I was done.

I was like, fucking all right already.

ready and now it's uh it it uh it forced me to start the transaction from the beginning because

it timed out or something probably i don't know so here we go again i'm gonna have to i'm gonna

have to enter that in again so uh let's play something else in the meantime let's play um

oh i don't know let's play this right fucking granted of course they they issued me a new pin

number which is what i figured out is every time this happens is when it starts cutting us off

beautiful spoof card thank you so let's hopefully we just we'll stick to the new pin now i gotta do

Do that again.

Org.

Oh, dear.

Very, very mean.

I'm the fool.

Fool, fool.

Shut up, fat ass, biz fat ass, marquee fat ass.

I hate fat people.

I'm KDK.

Hello?

Yeah?

Hey, how you doing, buddy?

Well, it took so long to answer the phone,

and why didn't you say hello after you picked it up?

Did you get confused?

Confused?

No, I, uh, I said, uh,

Senorico gas station, but something peeps, like fax.

You heard of fax?

Where did it, where?

On your, we have a fax machine there?

Uh, no, we have a fax machine, but...

Yeah, maybe the fax machine,

maybe the fax machine took over the phone.

Yeah, okay, doesn't matter.

Do you need something, sir?

Yeah, I was, I was calling.

I wanted to know if you guys had sardines over there.

Uh, what?

We'll have sardines.

Sardines, man.

Sorry, man?

Sardines.

What?

What's your ethnicity?

Come on, buddy.

sardines do you have sardines do you have them attention attention to me what's that give me

attention sir tell me yes or no do you have sardines go no no do you have coca-cola classic

sir we've lost a patient sometimes you got to put a fear god on the way to put them out of time

quickly answer attention right now oh look okay here's what we got here ladies

ladies we have available ready to call uh milkman here here's one i think you're gonna like alibaba

limousine that's on deck here we also have the elvis bar and grill cope cope espresso bar and

cafe lay sex shop hole in the wall casino the new river heart queen casino and restaurant golden

crown restaurant al and diane's red onion lounge also here anger management hotline

all right here we go i hear something there anger management hotline if you want to reach me tonight

you can do so madhouse radio on aol and yahoo instant messenger again that's aol and yahoo

instant messenger madhouse radio is a screen name if you're using uh msn messenger is madhouse

at live.com again that's madhouse at live.com if you're using msn messenger i also want to make

Make sure you guys know that Tuck here also has a website, if you weren't aware.

That's at tuckermike.com.

That's where he makes Tuck.

He does a big Tuck show there.

He tucks off.

Tuck goes off over there.

Tuckermike.com.

That's Tuckermike, M-I-C-K-E.com.

All right.

No, I'm kidding.

It's Mike.

It's Mike, like Mike.

You know how it's going, Mike.

Does Carlos have an international card?

Nunez asking, no.

K-E-M-I-K-E.

No, Carlito does not have an international card as of yet,

but perhaps someone will donate or supply us with a process for calling internationally.

Looking for my water jug again.

There it is.

All right, so here we go.

Next prank call tonight is going to be the anger management hotline, everybody.

Hope you enjoy it because I'm looking forward to it myself.

Bad breath, onion rings.

I didn't know that song.

I'm down with the hippity hop hop.

Crisis line, may I help you?

How are you doing?

I'm good.

How can I help you?

I'm good.

Do you folks offer solutions or do you just offer referrals?

We have referrals, but we don't.

We can't really offer.

I hear it.

It sounds like there's children.

It sounds like there's children in the background.

What kind of place is this?

Sir, can I help you?

Are there children in the background?

Sir, I'm in an office, and I'm watching the TV,

so that's really not the relevance.

Can I help you with anything?

I don't think so.

Are you one of those answering services where you answer from home,

and you're, like, taking my information,

and there's children around looking at the information?

I heard a baby in the back of the room going,

eh, eh, eh, crap is what does it to me.

that people like you

bring those stupid kids

to my job.

To place a call,

press 1.

To listen to your recorded,

please enter your

destination number

starting with the area code

followed by the pound sign.

Crisis line may help you.

You tell those motherfuckers

in the fucking background

to shut the fuck up

and take down my information.

I'm the person.

I am.

Why don't you call me

a motherfucker?

You motherfucker.

You do not call this line

and talk like that.

As a matter of fact,

don't call back again.

I've got your phone number

I've got your number

I've got two numbers that you just called from

I'm going to report them to the police

I'm blocking my number

You don't have my number

I'm blocking it you stupid bitch

I've got two of them

You called from one the first time

And one from another

You don't have shit

I'm going to have you fired

To place the call press 1

Did she say she's calling us back

I hope she does

I'm going to act scared

You're like, oh, don't tell my mom.

The other guy was ringing up the ID and taking down your number.

You, sir, are in trouble.

Oh, shit.

All right, hang on.

Harlow was sending us a...

Something happened to Harlow to the Taco Bell.

I'm going to call you back and shake the finger at you.

Apparently, a Taco Bell tonight ran out of beef.

This information coming in from Hollywood Vanya.

I'm sure he'll be reporting shortly.

I've got some more information.

We got the number to call them at.

They ran out of beef.

I would be pissed off.

Well, he knows.

They better be giving me the steak instead, motherfuckers.

You better not be charging me for no steak fajitas.

Steak, uh, you better give me some steak crunchy tacos, bitch.

Milkman, what are you doing?

Are you on the phone or are you talking to us?

What?

Okay, I don't know what Milkman's saying.

I think he's having a conversation in the background.

I thought he was at home.

He's stolen and he can't get up.

Everybody breaking news here, breaking news coming in here from the...

BMC button.

We got breaking news from the wire here apparently.

Quiet, Tuck.

Fucking breaking news.

Shut up.

Milkman has fallen and he cannot get up, everybody.

Breaking news.

We'll hopefully hear from him soon.

Who does that?

Yeah, see, hear him in the background.

He's delirious in the background, Tuck.

We've got to send somebody over there.

Who's in L.A. right now?

We should call Reclute.

Call...

Reclute, right?

Is Reclute in L.A.?

Is he elevated up?

I don't think Reclute's in a position to save anybody right now.

I think he needs some rescuing himself probably right about now.

What time is it over?

The rest of it is contemporary Christian rock band

smoking cocaine up in the stripper's ass.

Oh, we're going to have to play that for sure.

I wish he'd call from L.A.

I would love to hear from him in L.A.

He's too busy.

He's too Hollywood right now.

Like Hollywood Vanya, he's not even calling in.

All right, we got the Dirty Dozen Strippers,

and also we have Bronco Billy's Pizza Palace.

Hey, Lonesome Loser,

I don't know if you were listening to the beginning of the show.

I know you came in.

And thank you.

Hey, Lonesome Loser, the man himself, the myth, the legend,

and the multiple lover

the dark hitman

of prank calls.

If you can find

an aquarium service

or aquariums

or something like that

or somewhere I can go

to buy fish,

I just have a hankering

for fish-related prank calls.

Call me Troy McClure

if you must.

Now, who's in The Simpsons

that's attracted to fish?

Not Troy McClure,

but it was also voiced

by the same guy,

by Phil Harmon.

Who was it?

I forgot who it was.

Who's the actor

on The Simpsons?

The character,

who's the actor?

You know what I'm talking about?

You're not a Simpsons fan,

are you, Tuck?

You don't seem like it.

Well, there's a few.

Are you talking about, oh, God, what's his face?

Is it Troy McClure?

Yeah, Lionel Hutz is the lawyer, and Troy McClure is the actor.

Yeah, Troy McClure in The Simpsons.

I don't know if you're a Simpsons fan, but I am.

Troy McClure, right.

Yeah, he's Troy McClure.

I am Troy McClure.

You might know me from movies as Bubba Bubba's ass.

Yes, yes.

Okay, I've got to turn the toll-free line on.

Hollywood's going to be calling in here in a second.

I just forgot to start the line up.

Let me get that taken care of here.

In the meantime, I can play a prank call here real quick.

I need to set the phone line up.

I'm not prepared as normal.

Is there anything else we can talk about?

Oh, yeah, I got a prank call request here from the mouth line.

Request line, rather.

The request to prank.

We got to do someone who gets a whole dossier about every single piece of information you can imagine about somebody.

With the exception of their social security number.

This person sent this to me.

apparently something happened to them at work and they tracked them down or something like in a

retail store or something i don't know yeah i don't know there's probably some illegal stuff

but uh the guy was drunk when he gave it to me give it to me on paper and he wrote you want to

get involved in that kind of shit he wrote no he wrote really big interesting or he wrote really

big on the paper fuck this bitch ass cunt with dollar signs he was drunk when he gave it to me

over the weekend so i promised him i'd do it he was drinking a lot it was yeah i got really drunk

too on uh saturday huh here on all the syndicate was watching me i drank uh five liters of beer

matter of fact i drank a a whole mini keg of heineken uh light i got very drunk i was hung

over for half the day on sunday yeah saturday night was fun yes sir i said i would i didn't

i didn't drink at the holiday party that we went to with athena but i sure drank when i got home

and i don't drink i'm not a drinker i don't do that but for some reason i just said let me just

drink let me see if i can drink this whole thing of beer just to say i did it you know i don't

ever really drink and i did it wow i got through it man i was it was like my like a like a college

party uh the dead saying hi the dead is checking in all you the dead fans don't worry the day will

be joining us here shortly i'm still looking for a prank call to play here all right now i'm gonna

to mute milkman i don't understand he's stupid blood out of his head god all right anyway let's

play this one this one's called uh megaphone order i think that one's stupid let's do cuban

cuban restaurant number five let's let's all be quiet okay gonzalez how you doing this is

rodriguez yep i get confused between gonzalez rodriguez i think they're both the same name

sometimes it's silly it's silly look man i want to apologize i know i got upset i think maybe we

could work this out if you caught me one of the meals and give me an open bar for an hour i think

i can let this all slide and i'm not going to report you because of the bad things that you

said to me on the phone sir do you know who i am why don't you try bugging somebody else do you

know who i am sir nobody cares who you are hermano hermano listen hermano listen man i know your name

You know how I found out, sir?

Because I did a check.

Because I'm Governor Tom Ridge.

And I did a check.

I did a check.

I did a check on you guys.

And I found out that you have at least two people there who don't have papers.

Why don't you try calling the corporate office?

No, it becomes the person responsible is you.

And ignorance of the law is no excuse, sir.

As we like to say in this country.

Have a good night, sir.

You have an Argentinian kind of...

I'm trying to get a rile out of him, but...

Good morning.

Hello, how are you?

Hello, ma'am.

Hello.

Hello, is this the taxi company?

Which one?

Niven.

Yes.

Okay, good.

I was wondering if I could come down, but I don't want any problems.

I have a dog.

You know, I heard very bad things that you people do not take dogs in the car and, you know...

We do take dogs in our car.

Who's calling?

I'm calling from America.

Okay, so why are you calling us?

Because I want to let you know that in America we have these rules where you must accept a dog if it's a guy's dog.

No, we do accept dogs, okay?

Well, look, lady, this...

It was a situation that got out of hand, and things have been said that shouldn't have been said by the press and all the rest of it,

and we have nothing else to say.

Well, let me tell you something. This is America, and I'm going to be suing you because of what you did.

Oh.

You pissed off, woman.

I didn't say piss off, but don't talk to me like that.

I heard what you said.

You know, in America, you wouldn't be allowed to vote.

And who cares what happens in America?

We live in England.

Well, we saved your ass in World War II.

Well, you never did, and who helped you out just now?

No, you're not.

You are.

He is crazy, man.

We don't need you anyway, bitch.

Fuck you.

Call me a bitch, you cheeky fucker.

Cheeky fucker?

What the fuck is that, bitch?

Hey, who's that woman you got over there?

Hello.

Hey, you cheeky fucker, how are you?

I'm, I'm, I'm just fine.

All right, that's interesting.

Let's take a look.

Was it ringing to the voicemail that goes leave a message, or was it saying it was?

It was a message, yeah.

All right, it was going to my cell phone.

God, you hear the tire screeching?

I wonder if that lady called back and left a message.

Interesting.

Let me, hang on a minute.

Yeah, check that, check that.

Let me keep another prank call here.

This one is called shoplifting women.

No, that's the news.

I don't want to play that.

that. Do you have some paper? I don't have no idea what this is. Yeah, I'll help you.

What up, motherfucker? How you doing there, sir? Hello? Hello, sir. Do you have a piece

of paper? I'm sorry, but we're closed. No, can I make an order for pickup? No, we're

closed. Do you have any paper, though? Do you have paper there, though? Yeah. That was

my question. I didn't say that you insinuated I was going to ask for an order. I mean, maybe

I just wanted you to write some important information down. You ready? Sure. What's

on the number four menu from the four yeah number four i already got it set to four it's just that's

not gonna work never mind all right well maybe after we uh finish here hey now it's ringing i

don't know i'm confused maybe it was ringing him back i don't know this is beautiful

call back in hollywood maybe that was her maybe i got caught i don't know how we'll call her back

that doesn't make any sense anyway hollywood call back in if you can i don't know the phone died

Here we go.

Now it's ringing.

Hello?

Was that you that time?

That whole time?

No.

No, you hung up on me.

Oh, I don't understand.

How did it ring to some woman?

What, did you call me back?

No.

Did your phone ring at all?

No.

Okay, anyway.

All right, so I've got a bunch of numbers to call here.

I've got the new Riverboat Queen Casino and Restaurant.

Has that girl called back?

No, no, she hasn't.

Well, if she did, I can't check it right now, actually.

They're going to have to wait until the line's clear.

Okay.

What else do we got here?

here i got the alibaba limousine no that's fun i had a great idea too okay yeah what's your idea

now uh do we have any random people names random people yes we do we have a woman from nu nu uh it

is josephine pitman tucker who is also known as mrs jerry bryson apparently she's in huntsville

alabama we call her from the disney resort saying that she has won a one week stay there we've

We've already charged her card the $3,000, and all she has to do is come pick it up.

It's just make it to the resort.

There you go.

But for some reason, it only charged $2,700, so she's going to owe the $300 once she gets here.

All right.

Oh, my God, yeah.

That's always got to be fun to get.

Should we use a Disney resort, though?

Yeah.

Well, this person, it says old and stupid is what it sounded like.

So what would old people come to Florida for other than, like, what would they want to see?

I don't know.

Matlock Museum?

No, not that.

How about they've won a week's stay in a retirement home where they don't even have to wipe.

We'll take care of them completely.

Wow.

What about a casino?

Tell them that.

What about Larry's?

I wonder if he's back.

The Seminole Brighton Casino.

Tell them that.

It's an Indian casino over here.

It's called the Seminole Brighton Casino.

You ever heard of it?

Probably not.

Nope.

Think about that.

I sent you the dossier over there.

Yeah.

All right, I'm going to type that over there to you as well.

Milkman, what are you playing tonight?

Are you back yet with us?

Seminole.

Oh, someone's dying over there.

Yeah, my son's throwing up in the background.

Oh, no, that's not good.

You all right, buddy?

He's drinking.

Yeah.

When we got him Taco Bell tonight, he doesn't like the steak, so we had to get steak.

Oh, yeah.

He came up to me and said, man, is there, like, a money-back guarantee on this?

Mm-hmm.

He didn't like it.

He doesn't like steak.

That's kind of odd.

He likes the ground beef better than the steak.

Okay, so you went to the Taco Bell and they were out of beef.

Yeah, when I got there, I was the first person where they ran out of beef.

Right.

So I thought we might actually call them and say, you know, I'm so-and-so from the home office.

They're going to have to close down until they get their beef shipment in.

Oh, my God.

Because we can't afford to be giving everybody steak and chicken.

Okay, and you sent me the number, right?

Yeah.

Let's just do that first before we do anything.

Okay.

So just to round it out for everybody who doesn't understand yet.

I've actually written down the 800 number for the Taco Bell home office,

so we can give them that if you want me to send you the 800 number.

Yeah, send me that.

Yeah, for sure.

And I'm going to copy-paste this information.

So basically we've got a Taco Bell that Hollywood and his kid went to tonight.

They ran out of beef.

We're having a substitute steak or chicken.

And they weren't charging extra for the steak then, correct?

Right.

Yeah, the steak or the chicken.

You got to choose what you wanted.

Well, chicken is the same price usually.

The steak is expensive.

They make a little bit of profit right there in that steak.

It doesn't cost them that much more money than what they charge you.

Anyway, all right, so let's call that.

Let's do that, and then we will do the other one.

Okay, I see the 800 number.

You left it there.

Just a moment.

Everybody, don't go anywhere.

This makes it all the better when we finally get to them.

Come on, damn it.

Hello.

No one is available to take your call.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Are you sure it's the number I sent you?

It's kind of odd that it would have gone to that.

I'll try it again.

Don't worry.

Yes, hello?

Hello?

Hi, this is John from the home office here.

Is your manager available?

Yes, just a email from the home office.

Yes.

Yes, is the manager?

Yes, is the manager or not?

What's your name, ma'am?

Lisa.

Okay, this is John Phillips from the home office here in California.

Yes.

We just got a call, and they've actually woke me up out of bed.

Have you apparently run out of beef there?

Yes, sir.

Is that the situation?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

Okay, standard policy actually requires if you guys have run out of beef,

have you looked in your manual yet?

No.

Okay, are you substituting for something then?

No, I'm just like, yeah, we can get steak for the beef.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you cannot do that.

If you look in the manual, you will see if you run out of meat,

you're going to need to close your doors until you get your shipment in.

When is your shipment supposed to arrive?

We cannot substitute for steak.

No, we cannot substitute.

Do you understand the price difference?

Yes, sir.

I'll just do what my boss told me to do.

I'm just a shift leader.

That's all I'm saying.

Okay, ma'am.

Lisa, listen to me.

Yes.

I am from the home office, okay?

You're going to need to close your doors.

I don't care what your boss told you.

The policy requires that if you run out of meat, if you run out of the beef, you cannot substitute.

substitute and if you cannot substitute and if you're not supposed to substitute you're going

to need to close your doors because you cannot give out steak or chicken for the beef what is

your manager's name tony yes all right uh what is and let me have his phone number please his what

phone number i need to contact tony is it eight one seven one see what last name is no okay and

his phone number please uh-huh stop serving your sammy yes sir okay if you have to close your doors

right now, then you need to do that.

So I just close down for the night, Eric, right now?

Yes.

Also, what I need you to do is if we're sending an inspector down there tonight also,

and those bathrooms had better be clean.

Do you understand me?

We've had three people complaining tonight also, had calls tonight about your bathroom,

both your men and your women.

There is apparently no soap in there, no towels, and it smells of urine.

Now, Lisa, do you understand the seriousness of this call?

They actually had to get me out of bed to call you.

Do you understand the seriousness?

Who orders your beef, okay?

I understand it's not your fault, okay?

You're just a shift meat.

But who is the one?

Is he the one that is supposed to order the meat?

He makes the orders every week.

Okay.

Why in the world do you think that this happened?

He didn't order enough.

Exactly.

I don't know.

So it looks like this job is probably going to be terminated tonight.

night do you have somebody else that you could that you could put on as manager do you do you

want are you are you next in line i don't know mike and because apparently this is a conspiracy

to to to get tony out of his job no i don't know who's next in line okay i really don't well we

need to find out who's next in line because it looks like tony's probably not gonna have a job

tomorrow okay i don't know who's next line brought him in here uh when our gm quit a couple months

ago and he's just been here for now okay so he's not actually the manager then yeah he's the gm

Has he been promoted to manager?

The GM, yes.

All right.

Lisa, you sound like you're a level-headed person.

I'm actually going to see about getting you put in as manager.

Now, do you think if you were put in as manager,

you'll be able to make the orders or you will not run out of meat or run out of anything?

If I even knew how to do it.

They never taught me how to do it.

Okay.

I will teach you on the phone how to do it, but here's the deal.

I need you.

Are you still open right now?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

That's fine.

Now, do you have any kind of, like, small animals around there that you could possibly use as beef?

They're like cats or dogs.

We can use that separately.

No.

And it's kind of under the table.

We're not going to tell anybody.

No.

Do you have anybody there that can actually strip a cat?

No.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, Lisa.

This has got me choked up.

I just can't believe this happened.

Are you still there?

Yes.

And I've been sick, so I'm on the phone, sick.

I'm running a 102-degree temperature.

So you can understand how upset this is, right?

Yes.

Okay, so do you have anybody there that can strip a cat?

No.

Do you know how to?

No.

Okay, one other thing we can possibly do is instead of putting beef in the tacos,

just cover it up with pintos, pinto beans, and cheese.

Can you do that?

Okay.

And maybe if you take the rice and cut each individual rice up into three pieces

and use like a marker to color those, it can pass as beef, okay?

But don't get the markers that are harmful to eat.

Do you guys have like a Walmart or anything there close to you?

No.

There's no Walmart close to you?

Yeah, it's like on the other side of town.

It's on the other side of town?

Okay, do you have anybody that can actually run up and get an edible-flavored marker?

Maybe one that's possibly a beef-flavored.

Okay.

No.

Yes, okay.

And I just want you to know that also tonight this call is being brought to you by the Hemorrhoid Relief Center.

Okay?

Okay, so go ahead and close now.

I'm going to give a call, and the Hemorrhoid Relief Center also is going to be giving you a call as well.

Okay?

What's that?

That is our sponsor tonight.

Okay.

All right.

Well, I will be talking to you soon, Lisa.

You have a wonderful evening, okay?

Okay.

All right.

And please make sure.

You there?

Good plug.

Excellent.

That's a good radio right there.

I'm going to have an ultra radio like I am, so he knows how to put in the hard sell.

Okay.

Tuck was talking.

Hang on.

What were you saying?

I'm Hollywood.

You didn't get out of the air.

Tuck was amazing.

I said I almost lost it when I was talking about it.

Yeah.

Like a trip of cats.

Yeah, that was pretty funny.

Tuck says you sound like you're getting down.

What is it, Tuck, now?

Like the old-time radio, the OTR guys?

Yeah.

The old-time radio.

He and I are both big OTR fans.

OTR, over the rainbow.

That's what it is.

Let me play that.

You won't be able to hear it, but I'll give you the synopsis.

Let's listen to this.

17 seconds long, so maybe someone said something.

I just want to confirm that this is a number that called, placed a call, a violent call to a hotline earlier,

and we will be looking at the phone number, and we will further investigate.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Oh, no, a violent call.

She said she's confirming it's the number that left the violent call.

Do you want to beat me in the background?

No.

No, we can't do that, no.

You want to call her back and say, yeah, this is my number.

I don't know who this is.

Yeah, who are you, lady?

You should call back and say, I don't know who you are.

You're calling me from some number.

Yeah.

Yeah, and tell her you're going to report her, too, that you have her and you're tracing her.

Yeah, is this some kind of a prank call?

Yeah.

Yeah, there you go.

You woke me up.

There you go.

All right, cool.

Let's do that right now.

Hang on, folks.

Oh, shit.

Where's my music at?

Nothing's in the right place anymore in this house.

The crisis line may help you.

Yes, ma'am.

My name is Summer, and I just got an emergency call from my office line.

Okay.

I'm sorry?

I guess somebody called from there, something about a violent call.

Yes, yes.

Who was the person that, I'm sorry, first of all, is this your business?

Yes, ma'am.

This is your business?

This is my business.

And who is the person that's on the voicemail of your business?

Any idea who you're talking about, ma'am?

Okay, but I'm asking you, when I called the number and I left a message,

there's a male's voice that's answering.

Is that one of your coworkers or associates?

That is actually the company that we go through our voicemail for.

We paid them to do the voicemail.

The gentleman who answered and said, this is this name,

and this is, I mean, that gentleman is just an answering service?

It's an answering service, yes, ma'am.

It's actually a voicemail answering service.

I don't know.

Okay, I don't, and I know, hold on a second, hold on a second.

I understand you can tell me that you don't understand.

It doesn't matter.

It's out of my hands now.

I've already reported the phone number.

If they investigate and I was incorrect, then so be it.

But it was my responsibility to report the phone number that I received an extremely hostile call from the mail

that actually is the same voice that answered that number.

And it was a hostile call.

It came from two different phone numbers.

That was the first phone number that it came from.

And he was extremely hostile.

I understand.

And let me just tell you where I'm coming from so that way you know what it is,

and then we'll hang up, and then we can get past it.

I just got woken up knowing nothing that's going on.

Please do not yell at me, okay?

First off, I need you to tell me.

Oh, I'm not. I'm not. I'm just...

No, you're yelling at me.

Okay, ma'am, I'm running a business myself here.

This is an emergency line.

So I just want to let you know that the number was reported.

If it was done incorrectly, I apologize.

But that is the phone number that I received a call from.

What kind of business do you run, ma'am?

I'm sorry. I said this is an emergency line.

And that doesn't matter.

You and I can't spend a lot of time discussing back and forth.

All I can say is I received a hostile call, and I reported it,

It's my responsibility.

Now, I'm receiving a hostile call too, ma'am.

No, I didn't.

I just left a voicemail letting you guys know that I did that,

and I needed to let you know that I reported the phone number.

I don't know where the organization is.

I don't know what your business is.

I don't know any of that.

I just know that that's where I received the call from.

We run a strip club.

I was letting you know.

We run a strip club.

I'm sorry?

We run a strip club, and there's not hardly any people in here that are hostile

until they get really, really drunk.

It was a male's voice.

It was the same male that answered your voicemail.

So if that's an answering service, just a little weird that you're answering service,

the person who, it literally was the same voice.

That's very strange.

And I received, yeah, it is.

But the most strangest part is that I received the hostile call from somebody from this phone number.

And he was extremely hostile.

I mean extremely.

What exactly?

Very verbally abusive.

He cursed.

He called me a lot of names.

This is an emergency helpline.

I'm sorry?

What exactly did he say?

Ma'am, I don't talk like that, so I'm not going to say what he said.

Just abbreviate. I need to know so I can write this down so I can get in touch with us.

He called me a mother effer. He called me a B-word.

Don't use that word on me, ma'am. How dare you? I said abbreviate.

I did say mother effer.

Do not use those words with me, ma'am.

Okay, ma'am, but I think you, I did not use it.

You're so wrong.

I think you're trying to play it.

You could have said MF. No.

Bye-bye now, ma'am.

You could have said MF.

I think I'm going to call and report you now.

Now I'm calling to report you.

I'm going to report you now that there's a fake now calling.

Yes, because you were doing the same thing.

Bye-bye now.

Bye-bye.

I'll scare you.

She didn't figure it out until the very end.

That's funny now.

That's funny now, man.

That is funny now.

Oh, my God.

Dude, that lady.

She's like, I don't try to repeat those words.

I don't repeat.

He didn't know he's putting on a voice.

I didn't call her a mother effer, did I?

Did I say that? I probably did.

We'll catch you on the replay, huh?

I can replay it, though. I definitely can.

Calls (7, 19 min of 44 min)

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