2009-02-19 Show

Yes, we are monitoring this telephone call, you Arabic bastard.

Huh?

Yes, sir.

Who's the bastard?

No, no, no, you must have misheard me.

I was saying you're an Arabic bastard.

Fuck you, motherfucker.

Fuck is this?

Motherfucker, who is this?

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

What the fuck is this?

Gentlemen, right now we'd like to get ready to introduce the star of our show,

the young man you've all been waiting for, Mr. Soul.

So what do you say let's all together welcome him to the stand with a great big...

Could you hand me the hat, Zola?

Zola, I use it.

Hey, everybody.

Good evening.

Madhouse Radio back finally.

At what time?

1031, not bad.

There's a lot of echo in here.

We're using a lot more mics than we've ever used in this house before in the past.

I don't know what the quality of the audio is like right now.

I don't know if the music's too loud.

I don't know if we're audible.

With me here tonight, as always, is Milkman, the venerable Milkman.

What's up, buddy?

How you doing, man?

How you doing?

My, whoo-ho.

Man, you got it, man.

Man.

You got it pretty good here, too, man.

Well, man, man, man.

Everybody ought to stick around.

We have an exciting show, man.

Armando, what you got in store for us?

I don't know.

We got secrets here, dropping dimes tonight.

And, of course, Milkman.

You're also joined by Tuck, Big Tuck, in the United States of Tennessee as well.

What's up, Tuck?

How you doing?

So are your titties.

Yes, yes.

Can you hear me?

I couldn't hear you.

Sure, you sound good.

Great.

Good for you.

And we also got Baz in the house.

Baz, what's up?

Fine.

All right, good.

Baz is here also.

And, of course, Zolar.

Zolar.

Zolar, Zolar Party Nation is in the house.

What's up?

Oh, over here.

I'm over here.

Hey, everybody.

I'm over here now.

Zolar has made it.

We didn't expect he was going to...

Oh, Zolar, hey, man.

Before I forget, I got your Madhouse Radio CD right here.

I'm going to autograph it and everything.

I should have brought you a Zolar Vision fucking CD.

Dopes go wild?

No, thanks.

No, no.

I like to eat isolated prank call CDs.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, crimeatcindergradio.tv slash forward slash Zolar.

Or napster.com also.

Don't forget that.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

I don't even have a CD in that, and then designed a fucking cover of it.

Yeah, true, true.

Oh, wow.

I never got one, man, not even me.

You know, Tuck has beef with you going back some years,

because he designed that Zolar picture with the horns on it.

You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, it's awesome.

I use it all the time.

Yeah, well, I guess he never got credit for it, and he got upset.

Didn't you get real upset about that once, Tuck?

You remember that?

Tuck had an emotional moment.

Nah, I don't get upset about that.

No, actually, your name remains on the actual caricature that I use.

Everybody can see his tag, and if they're savvy enough,

they can look him up and see all his other drawings.

Right, right, right.

Right, yeah, so it's trademarked.

I've been bitched about that as far as I remember.

I don't know why I'm even bringing it up.

I don't know.

Evil Artie Sir also who's eating.

Hey, man.

Eating Artie Sir.

What's up, fuckers?

Yeah, Artie, there's a lot of buzz that comes from your mic.

Look at the size of it.

It's probably like an electromagnet fucking tension coming off of him

that sucks the power out of all the equipment.

Look at the size of him.

He probably eats a lot of iron, you know.

How many bowel movements do you have a day, Artie?

That's not his hearing aid.

You don't count?

You can't count or you don't?

No, I don't count.

When was the last time you had a bowel movement?

Like every morning, do you have one?

Yeah, like usually a couple times a day.

A couple times a day you have a bowel movement?

I bet his bowel movement is better looking than he is.

He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every fucking branch on the way down.

I swear to my mother.

Oh, man.

Poor Artie.

I'm sure there's some branches still left in that tree.

That's all right, Artie.

And, of course, there's another guy.

I'm sure there are.

Italian Lou is here also.

What's up, man?

How are you doing?

I'll come right now.

All right, good.

He can't talk, but he's here, of course.

Big Lou.

Yeah, that's my bodyguard.

I bring a bodyguard anywhere I go.

So this way, in case, you know, somebody wants to mess with me, I'm already a two-time loser.

If I get caught and have to go to jail again, they consider that a three-time loser.

Yeah, three-time, you know, they got the three strikes law.

That's my man, Lou, right there, everybody.

Wave at the camera, Lou.

These damn liberals here, the three times you're out.

Anybody who wants to try to start some shit will be at Fight Night in Florida tomorrow.

That's right.

So what's that going to be?

That's in Tampa?

There's a fight?

Yeah, we're going to be at Fight Night all day tomorrow and do the whole fight thing.

So come on down and check Zolar out if you can find me, bitches.

You came all the way to Florida to watch boxing.

I feel sorry for you, my friend, because I don't think there's any good boxing here.

I've never seen a good boxing match in Florida.

I don't know.

That's dedicated.

Man, what can you do about it?

Anyway, so are you going to Disney?

Any big plans?

Magic Kingdom?

Animal Kingdom?

Yeah, well, actually, we might check out some Epcot.

You know, we do those things and stuff.

Highly recommend Epcot.

And already, what else?

I don't know if it's an adventure, right?

You'll see my brother at the Animal Kingdom.

Okay, right.

What is he, a walrus?

He's a hippopotamus.

What are those fucking manatees?

What do they call them?

Manatee.

Just a slow lumbering manatee.

Yeah, man.

Okay, anyway, so prank calls, right?

I mean, that's what we're here for.

We've got the kings of prank calls, I think, are here in the house tonight.

Zolar and Carlito.

Carlito is the man, baby.

So I want to say hi to fucking John Ricker.

John Ricker is out there, right?

Yeah, I just want to say hi because they actually donated some cash to ZolarCast.com.

And that's what makes my archives possible.

So thank you very much to the couple.

The most hot, swinging couple on the Internet, John and Erica.

John Ricka.

Zolarkast.com, home of the Zolar Party Nation podcast.

Exciting stuff right there.

Do you mind that I call that the Party Nation, even though it's not really the Party Nation?

I love it.

It's like an oxymoron, and I'm the moron.

It's only for the idiots out there.

Artie, how was your week, sir?

What did you do?

I stayed home every day and stayed on Syndicate, you know, the usual.

Good deal.

Awesome.

How many times did you masturbate?

Congratulations.

One minute ago and like ten times before that.

Yeah, and how do you manipulate that fucking blubber away from your fucking groin in order to get a jerk off going?

Wouldn't like to see.

No.

No, thank you, sir.

Don't put the best family in the energy check.

Nino's asking, do I have international card?

I don't know.

Do I have international card, Zolar?

I have to tell you, Carlito, you must, because you have the most loyal listeners who donate these cards to you,

and they do all kinds of things for you.

Oh, yeah, they're a hoot.

If it's not there right this moment, they will be within some immediacy.

The promptness, I would suspect so.

We'll cut this all off, and we'll just hang out and maybe get drunk, etc., etc., and buy this stuff.

I've been insulted this week by two people because I haven't updated the podcast.

I don't think that's right.

I'm kind of upset at the fans right now.

Now, Zolar, you don't do your own podcast, right?

Well, actually, I just found a site that's called mypodcast.com,

and if you go zolar.mypodcast.com, it looks like I'm only doing plugs,

and I set you up to ask me these questions.

No, fuck it.

If you go there, I just started doing a podcast.

It's all free.

There's quite a few hours there already, like at least over 24 hours worth of stuff there.

Isolated price as well as full shows.

So I'll be adding to it on a weekly basis from now on.

Okay, cool.

Well, everyone check that out.

And, of course, you know, Madhouse Live podcast, Revolute Tuck over there for the Tuckolution,

Tuck's podcast, revolutetuck.blogspot.jizz.

That's an awesome site also.

When you get a right deal, I know.

Evil R.D., you've got a podcast, too, don't you, sir?

Yeah, it's the same as all ours, evilrd.mypodcast.com.

But there's only one thing on there, though.

What's that?

Just one prank.

Just one prank?

That's it?

Just one episode?

Just one prank?

Yeah, for now.

Is it a good prank, at least?

Yeah, it's a great prank.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

All right.

Hey, everybody.

Everybody, we've got an F. Mary Kill here coming off the request lines.

This question goes to Zolar.

Zolar, if you're ready.

Yay.

F. Mary Kill.

KDK, Prankmaster, or Evil Artie?

Oh, my God.

That's a good one, isn't it?

Oh, my God.

Well, I don't know.

I just don't know.

I mean, I'd have to kill the pedophile, right?

That's the way to go.

Prankmaster, of course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kill the pedo.

And I think I could fucking make fucking KDK my bitch,

and I couldn't stomach fucking Artie, so I don't know.

I mean, that's the toss-up right there.

KDK is rich now.

You know, I believe that's a complete bullshit story that he made up

so that his lover would come back to him

and at least feel bad for leaving him and all of that.

He may believe that his father left him all kinds of money and property

in Canada, no less.

Come on, stop it, you fucking lisping, fucking saggy-eyed faggot.

Yeah, exactly.

Stop, KDK, you faggot!

That guy, that guy.

Yeah, you know, it's kind of weird, right?

Like, what was his name?

He was like, he lost his job recently.

He's rich, but all of a sudden he lost his job.

He was all freaked out about it or something.

I was listening to it.

A lot of people point these out to me.

We don't like to bring him down or talk about him that much.

He's a walking contradiction, Carlito.

See, he shits where he eats, and that's all there is to it.

Anyway, a lot of people listening tonight here.

Big Andy, Andy, former co-host of the show, my best man at my wedding.

Zola, you're coming to the wedding show.

What's going on?

John, I hear that you're probably not going to show up because you don't like to do public events if you don't get paid.

Yeah, that's the case.

No, I'll be there.

Best to my ability, I shall, barring no acts of God.

Okay, or acts of nature.

May 23rd, that's going to be somewhere in Atlantic City.

Details to come.

Dr. Light will get with me.

We got a lot of numbers coming in from Lonesome Loser here.

We also got some numbers coming in from Nunu, I understand.

It was always good.

You rely on Lonesome Loser quite a bit, actually, don't you, Zola?

I mean, you're just like me.

Well, I have to say, if there's any integral part of my show, it would be Lonesome Loser,

because without him, I couldn't actually do the show as well as I do.

98% of his numbers are confirmed and answered.

I mean, they're 100% confirmed, but 98% of them answered.

I don't know how he does it.

How do you believe?

I mean, how does this guy do it?

I mean, I hate to, you know, sound here and just talk about Lonesome Loser.

I mean, I don't want to put him on the spot.

But seriously, though, I mean, the numbers, the percentage is so much higher than anybody else who sends numbers in.

And the fact that the answer, if he says it's an Arab lady, it's an Arab lady, you know.

Yeah, he's completely insightful.

When he gives you a number, he also tells you it's an old lady, sounds black, or something to the effect.

So you have some insight.

Yeah.

And it's an amazing thing he does, and he does it for nothing.

And I try to give him as many accolades as I can when I can.

So here's one to you, Chiz.

Lonesome Loser, the man.

All right, cool.

Thank you, Lonesome Loser.

All right, so anyway, speaking of which, we've got the Java Cow Cafe in Bickering.

we've got uh freddie's tacos freddie's tacos uh honi is it honi in i can't read that h-o-m-y

homie in okay i got you and we also have dumb blondes lawn maintenance these are all in south

carolina who wants to take the first prank call already want to ruin the first one you want to

burn it i think zola should zola vacation we should have the master do the first one yeah i

I don't care, man.

I'll warm you guys up.

It's all good.

But I can't get over fucking Artie's face, man.

The fucking pock marks and rash red pimples.

I am freaked out, man.

Pizza's supposed to come.

There's no way I'm going to be able to eat it.

Yeah, it's going to be like you can't look at him when you eat it because you think you're eating his face.

Did I order it?

No.

Artie, what kind of pizza do you want?

We'll go to PizzaHut.com.

Everyone, here's a contest.

Make up the pizza I'm going to order for Artie, and we're going to force him to eat it.

And ask his pizza.

You can think over at PizzaHut.com.

Go to the website and order it.

Will you eat it, Artie?

Will you eat it?

I just want cheese.

You just want cheese?

What's wrong with you?

You just want cheese.

Yeah, that's fine.

Are you a girl or something?

Make a meal with sardines.

Look at me.

I'm a vegetarian.

I'm Artie now.

Look at me.

You're a vegetarian?

There's not a vegetable left on earth after you finish eating one meal.

Are you crazy?

Give the crops a break.

Give them some quality.

I'd like a little bacon with a vegetable.

You'd be willing to eat almost anything in about half an hour.

Hey, Tuck, are you able to hear me?

Yeah.

Okay, it's like a little delay.

What's happening, Milkman?

How are you?

Oh, crap.

This is Dumb Blonde's Lawn Maintenance.

You want to talk?

Do you want to do it?

Oh, yeah, pick up that phone.

There you go.

This is Dumb Blonde's Lawn Maintenance.

Dumb Blonde's.

Is that an answer?

Wait, give it another ring.

This has got to be great.

All right, everybody, put your hands up and towards the computer.

Hello?

Do you appreciate the voice sound of Dumb Blonde?

Please leave your name.

Shut the fuck up.

Did you hang up?

Yeah, I hung up.

No, you didn't.

There you go.

Now you're hung up.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

All right, big guy, no worries.

Look at me calling you big guy.

Big guy.

We've got the funky Zono, so it just came in from Lonesome Loser here.

Let me just say hello to everybody in the room.

Chuck O'Fett in Compton and Deathlock, my man out in the U.K., of course.

DTT, the earth dog is here.

Hey, earth dog.

DTT?

There's the other integral part of my show.

Those two people are a major necessity in order for me to do my show,

Lonesome Loser and earth dog.

Earth dog.

Yeah, that guy's a machine.

So you said he produces your show from, where is he, California?

And you're in New York?

No, he's in Yonkers or something.

He's in Jersey.

Have you ever been in person?

You've never made the trip?

No, he says he doesn't want to meet me because he'd like to punch me in the face.

All right, great.

But he'll help me because he likes the show.

That's awesome.

Yeah, well, you've got people like Milkman and Tuck.

They've been helping me from, God, Milkman was in the Virgin Islands for a while.

He's in California now, wherever he's at, or Detroit.

I don't know where he is.

Los Angeles, baby.

Yeah.

Well, I was backing off the mic because I didn't want to over-modulate,

so I'll get a little closer for those of you who would like to hear me better.

We're working on it, guys.

You've got to understand, look, this is Angelo, be honest.

Look at the operation that I've got going on here.

It's nothing like special.

There's nothing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we've got a secret conversation here.

Watch out, everybody.

Yeah, right here.

Artie, what are you doing, man?

Talk on your mic, Artie.

Hey, now.

We're going to have a secret conversation.

You can turn the mic up and hear what they're saying.

Yeah, let's turn the spike cam.

Okay.

All right, anyway, Aaron, we're going to do a prank call.

We're going to call a fucking song.

Somebody's really buzzin'.

That's Artie.

Artie, your mic is like the worst one out of all these.

All right, well, Carlito, when you get a chance,

we're going to call a number that we brought with us.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, it's somebody's girlfriend.

His girlfriend left him, and, you know, he's a sucker, and she was a whore,

and we're going to call up and make believe that we were banging her

and we caught some venereal disease from her,

and she says that he gave it to her, and we want him to pay for our medical.

Okay.

Okay, well, we'll do that.

And this is, who's his ex-girlfriend or friend of an ex-girlfriend?

Yeah, it's his friend's ex.

Okay, well, shit, we're all on top of that.

Okay, let's call Funky Zone first, everybody.

A foreign guy answered here.

This is in Roseville, California.

Let me know how the sound is.

Like I said, we're putting a lot of drain on this.

You can understand as well, this is a very rudimentary setup I have here.

You know, this is not no Dr. Legos setup here, no.

Yeah, well, it looks as close to Dr. Legos as I can imagine.

I mean, this is goddamn elaborate.

Did he quit again last night?

Elliot, what happened?

Are you a report?

You're a syndicate course.

I wasn't feeling very good last night, so I wasn't really on.

I don't know.

He was on for 30 minutes, and I heard he got upset.

He threw something, and he kicked him.

He kicks every week.

He does.

If I go upset, no way.

No way.

I know, right?

Okay, crank calls, everybody.

Are you ready for them?

I am.

Let's do it.

Nah.

Funky Zone, there we go.

Hey, this is Funky Zone.

Hey, can I make some reservations?

Huh?

Can I make some reservations?

Who's this?

This is Valente, and I'm coming from Orlando.

Orlando, I want to make some reservations for the Funky Zone, please.

You want to make what?

Reservations.

Jesus Christ.

How do you make your money, sir?

Just talk to this guy.

The little guy.

Hello?

Hey, little man, what's up?

Who's this?

What's the other guy's name?

I already said my name is Valente.

What's your name?

Why are you hanging up the phone constantly on me?

What's going on?

Huh?

Are you hanging up the phone over there?

What's going on?

Are you trying to hang up the phone?

Don't you hang up the phone, sir.

I'm not hanging up the phone.

Who's this?

This is Valente.

Valente.

Who's Valente?

It's John Valente.

I want to make an order.

I want to make a reservation for some spaces, please.

For what?

Funky Zone Entertainment.

You know the services you provide?

I would like to make a reservation.

No, we don't have...

We don't provide services.

Well, what do you do there?

Do you just sit there and do...

What, are you laundering money for Al-Qaeda or something?

I'm sorry.

I tracked your phone number.

So what?

What are you going to do?

Are you going to...

I dare you to call me back.

I blocked my...

No, I will call 9-1-1.

The police will...

This is you calling 9-1-1.

Yes, so what?

Call me.

And you're going to say, so what?

What's your point?

do really? What do you think they're going to say? For me, I didn't say, I didn't do

anything, but the police will take care of your ass. Well, and when they call me, I'm

going to say that you called over here, you were threatening me, you woke up my baby when

she was sleeping, and my wife was... I called you. Well, they check the Shore West. What?

They check with Shore West. They check with Shore West. Okay. Yep. So what do you think

about police in Roseville? I never heard of the bullies. I have no fear of the bullies,

sir. Okay, that's good. Okay. You know, I want you to understand that I got associates

Associates in City Hall, okay?

My mother's the head librarian at UCLA.

Okay, sounds good for you.

Okay.

I drive a Dodge Stratus.

I'm Jack Valente.

Uh-huh.

Okay?

So I would suggest that you go ahead and when we hang up the phone now,

when I tell you that you're allowed to hang up the phone,

I want you to go into the memory in the phone,

and I want you to delete this phone call,

and don't you dare, don't you dare tell anybody that I called you

because they won't believe me.

I will.

I will call 911.

Don't.

Don't do it.

Don't do it because it's going to make it worse on you.

They're going to come down there and they're going to look at every single piece of paper you have

and they're going to find some violations.

You have cockroaches in the bathroom, in the waiting area,

and you don't sanitize your meats and you cross over raw chicken with raw beef, sir.

I think you called the wrong number.

Oh, my bad.

Yeah.

Sir?

Would you come to our store?

Sir?

I would, yeah.

Yeah, sir, this is the operator.

I've been monitoring this phone call.

Are you saying you're having trouble from this number?

You are monitoring?

Yes, we are monitoring this telephone call, you Arabic bastard.

Huh?

Yes, sir.

Who's the bastard?

No, no, no, you must have misheard me.

I was saying you're an Arabic bastard.

Yeah, I will, within 24 hours, you will...

Sir, sir, can you repeat after me?

USA is best.

Of course.

Say it, sir, goddamn you.

Fuck you, motherfucker.

Motherfucker.

That's great.

Fuck you, motherfucker.

We have somebody else who said that.

We're going to pull that sound clip up right now.

Fuck you, bitch motherfucker.

Can you please say Jesus is the best?

Who won in the fight, Jesus or the Prophet Muhammad?

Jesus won, right?

Jesus will kick Prophet Muhammad's ass.

Fuck his own.

To place a call, press 1 to listen to your recording call.

That was good.

That was gold, man.

Awesome.

Very nice, man.

Beautiful extraction, though.

Fuck you, motherfucker.

Fuck you, bitch motherfucker.

I don't know why it sounds so loud.

I've got to get the mic up.

Not the mic up.

I've got to get the audio.

Fuck you, motherfucker.

It's not the same guy, is it?

No, no.

God, no.

I wish.

I wish we could find that guy again.

We haven't talked to him in a long time.

That was a good one.

I wasn't expecting it to be so good.

Funky Zone, everybody.

we're off to a good start

good for you

this is Brandy

we're calling Brandy

no we're calling Kevin

and I'm going to start the call off

and I'm going to pass it to you

you had sex with Brandy also

and you caught some kind of

you know whatever

you got the clap or some shit

a genital defect

All right, good.

General, yeah, yeah, my penis grew a head, an extra head on it.

When I stuck it in, the wall was the side.

Just a moment, we'll be right back.

And someone's mic is humming.

That would be Evil Artie's mic humming.

His $200 mic that hums.

Good thing you got that.

Good investment.

You got two eyes and they're crossed after General.

Very good idea.

Be right back.

Brendan Danless is talking.

A lot of rings tonight, huh?

Tom, please record your message.

When you finish recording, you may hang up.

He said, fuck you, motherfucker, right?

Yeah, yeah, that's awesome.

And the other guy said, fuck you, bitch, motherfucker, of course.

Sam the Donut Man.

Fuck you, bitch, motherfucker.

Long-time favorite who has disappeared.

We can't find him anywhere.

The store got sold to an African-American couple.

The Dunkin' Donuts we used to call all the time.

Zolar, we lost him.

Never heard from him again.

That sucks.

Erased to existence.

Erased from existence, as Doc Brown would say.

Give me just a moment here.

We're going to do a call to the Horny Inn.

Horny.

What'd I say?

Say that last number, too.

Adonis Martin speaking.

Hey, what's going on? Is Sam there?

Who?

Sam.

Sam?

Sam. Sam's Adonis, man.

Yeah, anybody out there who wants a request, what should we do to Artie while I'm here?

If you want to abuse him, we'll have him be abused by me.

Please give your request right now. I'm looking in the chat room.

I was telling Artie earlier that we have some pepper spray in the car.

We could use that, Arno.

Really?

Down for that, Artie?

Maybe.

Artie's going to let us pepper spray him, babies.

I don't know, I got a lady here.

Oh yeah, put the lady on the wall.

Hold on.

Fuck's sake.

Did you wash your face in 20 minutes later?

Yeah, 20 minutes later.

20 minutes later, my ass.

How long does it take to get pepper spray off for you? We should call a cop and find out.

Yeah, call 911, yeah.

Hello, is the horny in?

Alright, good deal. I'll have to make the reservations, please.

Oh, sorry, I can just come in and sleep wherever I want.

This is an inn, is it not? Do I not get to stay there and, you know, sleep? I got a pillow and a blanket and all that.

The bar, yeah.

You got a corner I can curl up in with a nice book,

pass one glass of milk.

Why do you call yourself...

Hang on, hang on, buddy.

Shut up for a second and let me just explain.

Why do you call yourself an inn

if you can't actually get a room there?

Who named the bar?

53 years ago.

So let's say maybe 53 years ago

I could come in and take a nice nap there

and no one would give me any trouble.

If I fall asleep there, will you wake me up

and require me to go outside or something?

You can't sleep in the bar.

I'll keep buying.

You can keep bringing drinks, you know,

just let them pile up around me.

You won't lose any money.

You're a fucking asshole.

So I'll get the fuck off my phone.

Hang up now.

Do it now.

Thank you.

I was just about to get on.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just got mad at him.

And try to procure a joke for you.

I was going to say maybe you could be like a sideshow attraction,

and they would, you know, like name you something,

and you could be like almost a mascot of the bar where you would be resident.

This is a big fat guy that sleeps on the bar.

Actually, you're not a big fat guy, though.

I thought you were going to be a big fat guy, but you're not.

I'm not?

Hey, thanks, man.

I've been losing weight.

I got the wedding coming up, so, you know, I had to lose weight.

Oh, there you go.

Because the future father-in-law said that if I don't lose weight, I can't marry Athena.

Hello.

What's up, Carlito?

Hey, Jonathan, I'm angry again.

What's going on with you?

No, he didn't say that, guys.

I'm just joking.

He's a mean one.

He's the Grinch.

Jonathan.

What's going on, y'all?

Nothing much.

Hey, you want to talk to Jonathan?

Turn your phone on there, Big Zola.

Hey, I didn't know it was the Grinch.

It's the Grinch, everybody.

What's happening?

What's up, Zola?

Long time no see.

Yeah, huh?

So you're working and everything now?

You're mobile again?

Yeah, I'm working again.

Awesome.

I've got to keep remembering to talk into the mic and hold the phone out.

This is amazing.

I know.

Hey, Jonathan, have you ever played with pepper spray or used pepper spray?

Do you know anything about it?

No, but I used a taser before.

Oh, really?

Really?

Like which one?

The one you touch on the skin or the shoots out with little barbs?

Which one?

It's the one with the shoots out with the barbs.

And what did you shoot, the dog?

Uh, no, maybe, um, I may have tasted a lot of things, uh, like, uh, cardboard targets, but they, I actually got into that with a taser before, and it doesn't feel too good.

No, I don't think it does. I mean, it makes your body do a bunch of funky stuff.

Um, you know, that's another thing, right, you already wish a taser. You got a taser, Zola? Did you bring one on the flight with you?

I have one in the car.

Okay, good. There you go. Does it come with a rental?

Well, no.

Actually, I had to procure my own in a store that was nearby.

Every time I come to a different state, I go there and I show my bounty hunter's badge

and I get all the necessary equipment for a bounty hunter.

Walmart, gotcha.

Okay, good deal.

Yes, the bounty hunter's a nice boy.

That's awesome.

All right, Jonathan, now's your time to say hi to your fans and listeners.

Unless you had anything else to add, my friend?

I'd like to say hello to all my fans and listeners.

I hope you all have a great weekend.

And I see Cheese Boy right behind you as well.

Cheese Boy Artie.

Cheese Boy.

Look at Cheese Boy go.

All right, look at that.

Wow.

It smells like cheese all of a sudden here.

Oh, my God.

All right, thanks, John.

All right, cheese, boy.

Appreciate it.

All right.

Carlito's got some high-security fucking place here, boy.

I mean, I could not get inside.

They had this big-ass fucking two-ton security guard out there sweating.

The guy is nice.

The other day, too, because there was a problem here.

There was a lot of schvatzes that started moving in here.

Do I look like a schvatza?

You look anorexic.

But, you know, you come in here.

First of all, Zola, no offense, but you look like Andrew Dice Clay when I first see you.

Because you're outside, you've got the New York accent, you've got the hair, you've got the black on black jacket.

And you're smoking a cigarette, and you're like, the fuck out of here, this guy out here talking all this shit.

I'm like, that's Andrew Dice Clay.

It was an awesome moment.

I love that.

You've got the total Andrew Dice Clay look.

That's fucking awesome.

So what happened?

Okay, so Zola was trying to get in, and I legitimately buzzed you in, right?

Well, first of all, what happened was we pulled up and the big fat bastard's got his personal car blocking the area where you go to put the fucking numbers in.

So we pull over to the right of him in that other lane.

You know what I mean?

And I walk over to him and I said, excuse me, I said, if you're going to block the area, would you mind if I put these here digits in here?

And he was like, what?

Where are you going?

This and that.

Meanwhile, my friend pulls around to the fucking gate and he's like, where's he going?

And all of a sudden the guy's got to get up and move.

And he's like 400 pounds and he's humid.

Like, he's got his own atmosphere around him, type dude.

He's got stink lines just coming off of him, right?

Totally, man.

Oh, bro.

Fucking outrageous.

Right, master.

Yeah, so he gave us all the time.

He wanted the license plate number, the color.

It's new.

What the fucking, you dumb fucking bastard.

Oh, man, it go like 100 yards to where my house is.

Yeah, and then he's telling me where I could park.

He's like, don't park in anything with a number on it, or we'll have to come and catch you.

God, yeah.

Screw that.

Lord Spoon's saying, hi, I just got certified with pepper spray and taser gun.

You get certified in pepper spray.

No shit.

Yeah, you have to get, you know, hit with the taser in order to use it.

I can go for putting pepper spray in a salad and trying to eat it.

It's just capsaicin.

It's just pepper extract or something that just screws you up,

messes your sinuses up, and you can't breathe, can't see.

Yeah, but, I mean, any chemical in your eyes is going to burn,

so there's a whole bunch of other chemicals that make the compound up.

Yeah, basically.

Okay, so he says that the pepper spray is the worst fucking thing.

The taser, it hurts, but it's nowhere near as bad as pepper spray.

It got sprayed and tased.

High-speed military police training is what it's called.

Well, that sounds fun.

Military police at high speeds.

That's how you do it.

Someone else is checking in over here.

Nick.

Nick sends in a website that's called This Is Why You're Fat.

No, thank you.

I don't need to know why.

Sylvester says, what's the address?

Sylvester, the address is madhouselive.com.

Thank you.

Yeah, I know it was you.

And I don't know.

Someone else said something.

I closed it.

You know what?

It's just your fault.

MSN, call Artie a cheese boy for me.

Artie, you're a cheese boy.

That one's from Grinch.

He already said that to you, so that's okay.

Noon already asked if we have an international card.

The answer was yes, I think we do.

We'll find out soon.

Crazy Heretics says, hells yeah.

Yeah, Digital Bounty says, is there live calls?

Yes, there is.

And that's it.

All right, good round of IMs over there.

You guys are sitting in a good IM.

I'm coughing over here.

I'll put up with the party favors in here.

Did they run out?

Why are you coughing?

I'll light it up.

All right, cool.

We'll see about that.

Okay, everybody, give me a moment here.

Let's go ahead and play the rest of this prank call.

We're going to take a quick break here.

Give me about, I don't know.

Give me about...

Party favors?

Yeah, party favors.

You like them.

Give me about three minutes.

That should be right back with some more prankage.

Thank you.

Yeah, I like party things.

Sam.

Yeah.

Yeah, hold on.

Thanks.

Hey, so, Sam?

Hello?

Hey, how many men been with your mother before you were born?

I'm sorry?

How many men with your mother before you were born?

Oh, it's like how many men with your mother, you know?

That's what I said, stupid.

How many men?

Go ask her.

Ask who?

Your mother.

My mother?

My mother is not my mother. I don't have mother. My mother is your mom.

I was just talking to her right now.

Go ask your mother.

My father had sex with your mother and you came out.

No, no, no. Do you know your father?

You don't have your father because someone yesterday fucked your mother.

You're my brother.

I know.

You're my brother because my father raped your mother.

No, because my father fucked your mom.

My father fucked your mom first.

Okay, just tell me, why don't you come here and show me your face?

I came there.

I know, because you're chicken.

You didn't do anything when I came in there.

Because you're fucking chicken.

I came in here with...

If you are mad, come here and show me your face.

Will you kiss me?

Face to face, motherfucker.

Will you kiss me with those big lips of yours?

Motherfucker, let me tell you something, okay?

Every time I'm going to see you, I'm going to fuck you.

Oh, baby.

I'm going to fuck you up.

How?

How are you going to do it?

With what?

I was gonna hit you like it.

With your hands?

With your ass.

Whatever you want.

I like it in my balls.

Put it in your mouth.

You know what I'm gonna do to you?

Put it in your mouth.

Hey.

Did you like it like that?

I like it.

I was in jail and I got it like that.

Oh, fuck you.

Fuck you.

Are you scared of me?

Fuck you.

You know what?

You know what I did?

I don't give a shit about nobody.

You came down here.

If you're gonna hit me in jail, I'm gonna kick your ass.

You remember when you got pizza?

I'm gonna kick you.

You remember when you got pizza the other day?

I'm going to give you a call.

Hey, sir.

Sir.

How do you do?

I'm sitting in the hot air.

Benny, Gemma Calfe and Bacon.

Okay, motherfucker.

Correct.

Hello.

How you doing?

Good.

How are you?

I don't know.

How are you with?

I'm sorry.

I was over there earlier, and I seem to have left something in the bathroom, and I was

wondering if anybody turned it in.

It was in my suitcase.

It was a suitcase?

No, it was in my suitcase.

I had taken it out in the bathroom.

I was wondering if anybody turned it in.

I haven't had anyone turn anything in.

And can you tell me what it is that you're looking for?

Well, it's a little sensitive.

I don't know if, you know, you're cool or not or anything like that.

I'm cool.

All right.

Well, I was doing my boyfriend from behind,

and I left, you know, my whole pack of very expensive condoms in there.

Okay, let me go ahead.

Well, hold on now.

Who am I talking to?

Rosa from JavaCat.

Are you the girl who peeked in the bathroom and saw me getting Dirty Sanchez?

No.

Oh, because one of the waitresses came in and she saw me and I felt a little embarrassed,

so I threw $100 at her and I don't know if she picked it up or not.

I'm not sure.

Did you pick up $100?

You'd be sure if you picked up $100 from a guy with a dirty Sanchez, wouldn't you?

Well, it was a bee, so I'm telling you I'm not sure if someone did or didn't.

All right, well, these condoms have a ring around them that vibrates.

You ever use those?

No.

Oh, you should try them, man.

They make you fucking horny like a motherfucker.

You should.

Can I get you a pack?

I'm sorry, sir, but if you are here calling and looking for something,

then I would love to help you, but it's getting a little inappropriate.

Well, I mean, I'd like to buy you a present because you sound like a nice person.

I'm sorry, I don't know what else to tell you.

Well, all right, if I head back there,

would you be able to give me back what I left in the bathroom?

Because, actually, you know, it was in a satchel full of other items as well.

Well, if you would like to come back and look to see if they're there,

you're more than welcome to.

Well, how many people working at that establishment?

Because I'm going to send my brother in.

I was very embarrassed.

I'll put my brother on.

Hold on.

Carlito?

Yes.

Yeah, he'd like to bring you some condoms with those vibrating tips on them

and maybe fuck you in the ass a little bit.

I don't know.

I just threw you in the middle of that.

To place a call.

She was game to play along, and I could have strung her in there for a little while.

Looking at some third base there, man.

Speaking of which, people are really allowed to talk about the fact that you had a double, didn't you?

Second base.

Unbelievable.

Well, congratulations, boy.

You're going to steal the deal tonight, tomorrow?

Um, no.

No.

I'm not going to steal it at all.

Okay, I don't know about what you're talking about.

John, Reclude on the line here.

Reclude, what's going on, man?

What's up?

It's Big Reclude with Zola and Carlito at the same time.

Oh.

Don't forget to turn your phone on.

There you go.

All right.

There he is.

I love this guy.

Reclude, you're the man, brother.

Hey, what's going on, man?

Long time no hear from you, man.

Too bad you're not home on Fridays.

You call into Zola Vision and help me out like you used to.

We made some good phone calls, me and Reclude Carlito.

Oh, yeah, Reclude is a good...

Yeah, I'll call in.

Yeah, see?

There you are.

It's a date.

Next time you're in.

Next time you're on.

In on Friday.

What time is it?

I don't know.

I'm not on tomorrow, though, so that's a good time to bring the fact up that I won't be on tomorrow.

I'm in Florida at Carlito's house, and I'll be on vacation, so I won't be able to do Zoloft.

It's just so sorry.

So sorry.

Good work.

Hey, Bloody Dicks Outfairs just came in here.

Bloody...

Make already eaten in the bathroom.

Hey, that's an awesome idea.

You know what?

I'm going to take a shit in the bathroom and make Evil Artie eat his pizza on the toilet in the bathroom.

That is an awesome idea.

Hey, Artie, are you game?

Huh?

Wait, what pizza?

What pizza?

What the fuck are you talking about?

You're getting hot.

Who doesn't eat?

We've all eaten in a toilet, on the toilet.

I've eaten a sandwich.

No, I've eaten from the toilet.

Yeah, we have.

Goddamn toilet.

Yeah, Reckless, you've eaten on the toilet before.

No, I'm dead serious.

I have not.

You're so against it.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Yeah, I love eating on the toilet.

The only, the closest I can get to that is I brought a fucking, I went to Panera Bread,

and I got some faggot-ass tea.

Okay.

Because my throat's all fucked up because I'm smoking too much fucking weed on Cali.

All right.

And then I just put it on the shelf, and then I fucking took a piss, washed my hands, and took it out.

That's, like, the closest I've been to, like, anything like that.

Wow.

Joe, have you never eaten on the toilet before?

No.

Well, I might be lying.

I do drink coffee every day when I take a shit, though.

You know, I have it there with me.

He eats from the toilet.

But that's considered eating.

That's what I would say.

But Spindicate's saying, what about Zolar, the guest?

And I don't understand that, but then somebody said, oh, it was Deathlock.

Zolar takes more vacations than how it starts.

Yeah, Zolar, you're always somewhere, right?

Yeah, I just came back from Chicago not so long ago,

and then I was in Niagara not so long before that, and then I do Florida a lot.

Chicago, that bloody town.

All right, hey, Reckle, do you want to do a prank call?

I've got the bloody dick outfitters.

What the hell is that?

I don't know.

I'm guessing their clothing stuff.

Montana, Bloody Dick Outfitters.

They also got Benny.

What a bunch of fucking hillbilly fucks, dude.

Benny Bistro, Piggy's Lounge.

We can also call Piggy's Lounge for now.

You know, Richie Randall should call Piggy's Lounge.

That's over in Whiting, Indiana.

Richie!

Whiting, Indiana?

I just Gmail do the shits.

Okay, let me see here.

Fucking.

All right, here we go.

I got you a little fucking message here.

Right, right, right.

Piggy's.

Let's see here.

Piggy's Lounge.

We've got Benny's, Bistro, Montana.

Who the fuck is it?

Who's getting these numbers?

Lutzen Loser.

Yeah, he's going through phases and shit, man.

I'll tell you.

I know.

He's in the Montana fucking phase.

All these fucking pump fucks.

Lutzen Loser, the most trusted name in prank calls, man.

He's great.

He gets some good numbers, though.

But it's just funny, dude.

You see him.

He goes and scouts out certain areas.

Right, yeah.

Well, yeah, we had the idea once where I told him,

find a ghetto in philadelphia and we looked in the address for businesses and it was like some of the

better calls that we've done in a while so if anybody knows if everybody anybody out there

knows a cross street of a ghetto out there near where you live let us know and we'll look for um

businesses that will operate in that area that's always fun because they're all dude yeah i can't

give you problem is around like the business is closed at like 6 p.m because it's so bad probably

god you're out there in like dupe ohio fuck it yeah it's getting nuts around i gotta get the

the fuck out of here

with this studio,

but...

All right, guy.

It's like getting crazy.

Yeah, let's call

Piggy's Lounge, all right?

All right.

Now, what's going on?

Am I calling?

I'm supposed to act

like Richie Randall?

You're Richie Randall,

Piggy's Lounge.

Yeah, I mean,

just say,

talk about,

what's the girl,

Francine?

Is that your chick?

All right,

now, I'm going to be

a pissed off Richie Randall.

Awesome.

We all should be pissed off

for that.

Let's try it.

This is an experiment in progress.

We're going to give it a shot.

Second base, everybody.

I feel fucked up.

but I don't know what's going to happen.

Second base already.

Hang on.

All right.

Hey, listen.

Is your girl named Francine down there?

No, uh-uh.

All right, a blonde girl named Francine?

No, there is no blonde girl.

Listen, I know she's down there.

There is no one here, but listen to me.

You listen to me.

I'm going to be down there.

I got a fucking 78 Buick, and we're going to have some words.

If you don't be hiding, this is my fucking girlfriend.

Well, yours isn't here, so you know what?

What is he doing here?

Bar giving blowjobs?

What the hell is going on?

Give me some answers.

I guess so.

You give me some answers right goddamn now.

Hello?

Hi.

I'm going to rub your face in that jukebox, you dirty whore.

You're going to do what?

What to the jukebox?

I don't know.

Rub her face in the box.

Rub her face in the jukebox.

To place a call, press 1 to listen to your recorded call.

Please enter your destination number, starting with the area code.

bitch she hung up yeah that's right you heard what i called you you you made me think you hung

up woman but she hung up that's funny though she got pissed off it's a call listen to your

credit call press two three minutes to your card press three four please enter your destination

number starting with the area code yeah i do mean that richie randles is getting sick now

I don't get demented

He's been fucking smoking way too much weed

And going to California

He's missing Francine

It'd be funny if Francine

It'd be funny if Richie Randall was like a clean kid

Until Francine got him in the weed

And then he's just like

I forgot the low voice

Benny's Bistro

I'm sorry

Sorry, can you hear me?

Because I had the phone, and it was, you know, on the couch,

and I didn't realize I wasn't talking directly into it.

Can you hear me better now?

Yes.

How about now?

I can hear you fine.

Oh, because I can hardly hear you.

Can you speak up just a little bit?

Yes.

What can I do for you?

I'm trying to be able to communicate with you.

Can you just make sure that I can hear you?

I can hear you a little better now, though.

Can you keep speaking like that?

My phone's broke, ma'am.

Am I sad on it?

Can you hear me?

Yes.

Okay.

What do you need?

All right, finally.

Now we're communicating like two adults.

How are you?

I'm fine.

All right, well, you don't sound fine.

You sound all aggravated and bitchy.

Okay, well, is there something I can do for you?

Of course.

What the fuck else am I calling for, you dumb cunt?

And that's the end of that.

This is whatever that was.

Place a call.

I'm sorry, people.

Thanks, John.

We're going to go record it.

Press 2.

Oh, hang up the phone.

Two and a half minutes to your card.

Press.

There, I've got to clear the line.

You can pick it up if you want to talk to Reckwood.

Hey, Reckwood.

All right, cool.

Cool.

What else we got here?

Johnny's Fat Boys Roadhouse.

Is that?

That's over at Beaver Dam, Wisconsin.

Beaver Dam what?

Beaver Dam, Wisconsin.

Why Beaver Dam, honestly?

I'll tell you what about Wisconsin.

I call that a tampon if you ask me.

One thing I like about Wisconsin, I took some broad up there in high school

and fucking banged around the hotels and went to fucking tourist attractions.

But they had all those cheese shops.

Dude, those are fucking shit.

Oh, yeah.

They're all in the cheese up there in Wisconsin.

They fry everything, too.

Isn't there, like, a place you can go and there's, like, pizza on a stick, spaghetti on a stick?

Oh, yeah.

Well, no, they try to do that around here in the state fairs.

It just gets ridiculous.

The brat wants to out of this world, guys.

Fucking A.

That's it, though.

I don't know what else you could say.

The fucking weather sucks.

The weather sucks bad enough here.

Up there, it's got to be a cocksucker.

Cold as balls, I bet, right?

Yeah, man.

Man, I wouldn't be into that.

No, sir.

yeah you live down in fucking swamps yeah did you hear about the crazy chimp that attacked the woman

that's fucking ridiculous isn't that crazy fucking stupid laughing over there did she say some shit

like oh you want to help me with my chimp or some shit didn't she call some broad over the owner

yeah want to help her it's like you fucking con yeah exactly everybody involved in that shit you

know what i mean yeah and the v i don't know if you heard the audio but it's just so freaking

ridiculous the way this woman is just like freaking screaming and yelling and all this

fucking i don't even want to you dude i think i've got that queued up here maybe i'll play it

in a little bit i don't know um you know what the most i'll tell you what the most fucked up

piece of audio i've ever heard what's that has got to be like you ever heard like there's a

fucking fbi tape that got leaked of um fucking jonestown shit okay like when they burned the

black uh community or whatever is that what you're talking about no no that's where this

This fucking wacko guy used to be a preacher in Indiana, I think he started out.

But he was preaching all the way.

Oh, yeah, that's the creepiest shit out of you.

He fucking kicked them out.

He went to California and opened up this wack-ass church.

It was kind of like a cult.

Okay.

Oh, the Kool-Aid dude.

Yes.

Okay, okay.

There's a fucking tape, dude.

It is the most bizarre shit I've ever heard.

It just goes along with...

Yes, I've heard it.

It actually is the last thing that happens.

And you hear people, like, you hear, like, kids crying and shit.

It's fucking nuts, dude.

That's like the craziest fucking tape I've ever heard in my life.

Man.

Besides that, the only thing worse than that, well, I don't know, that's pretty bad, though.

It's just like, you can see him like mad howling, like convincing them to kill themselves.

That's the craziest shit I've ever heard.

Yeah, by drinking Kool-Aid, like a bunch of kids and stuff.

I mean, it's just horrible.

No, they fucking shot, if the kids didn't take it, they just fucking shot him.

They just shot him?

Really?

Yeah, dude, it was.

Sorry, excuse me.

Breaking news here.

Crazy Heretic says hi to Zolar.

Is that a DMC?

See, it's got to be set.

What's happening?

Yes, sir.

Okay, so let's do another break up.

Yay.

That fuck says, hey, now Carly is all on that fat fuck Artie.

Great show so far, but tell Artie to wake up and do something.

The fat fuck doesn't normally sit there.

Oh, no.

What is he going to do?

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, we don't need that.

Thanks anyway, though.

Don't prompt this guy to get naked or anything.

We don't need to see naked fucking heavy set guys.

We've got to meet some shit or something.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

We've got pepper spray.

I want to spray him with a piece of pepper.

No bacon, bro.

Yeah, I'm down for, like, you know, committing a stunt with him,

but I definitely don't want to see him, you know, fucking in his underwear.

On cam is bad enough.

Oh, no.

Nobody needs that.

No, no, no.

All right, cool.

Let's do the prank call.

Let's just get up.

You know, we're getting off subject here.

We're getting gay.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

What?

All right.

What are we calling again?

Hi.

Johnny Fatboy's Roadhouse.

They're in Beaverdam, Wisconsin.

W-I.

Where's the, uh, did I send that to you already, I think?

King and Reclude, you're G.

How the fuck do those people talk up there?

They sound like that movie Fargo.

Hey, Reclude, let, you know.

You talk like Chicago, you know, like a Chicago accent.

Pass it around a little bit.

My name will be Anita.

Maybe I could be like your acquaintance or sister or whatever.

You totally have to do the woman voice with me here.

I totally got to see how you look like when you do that, yeah.

My Anita voice is really a woman voice, though.

That's pretty funny.

Oh, the other one there?

Hello.

That one, that's the one, yeah.

Hi, or whatever.

I remember that.

Now you got me all soaked.

Oh, you don't hang up on him.

All right, yeah.

I remember that shit.

That was funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

You ready?

All right, so the premise is, like, I'm going to call, and then I'm going to say a need

or something.

Okay, yeah, we'll get a need in on the juice.

I'll try my best.

I might fuck this up, but I'm going to give it a try.

Don't worry about it.

You're all dripping.

I don't know.

A little off night.

So?

Just a little off night.

That's all right.

Let's do it.

All right.

He's off now.

Not getting any respect.

Hey, how are you doing down there tonight?

Tonight from 8 p.m. until close, we have $8 bottom list domestic tax.

Your jukebox is slamming?

I do not, and the jukebox isn't going at the moment.

I've got music on, though.

Okay, yeah.

All right, talk to my girl, Anita.

She has something to say to you.

Okay.

Hello, dear.

Can you hear me?

Yes, I can.

Hi, my name's Anita, dear.

I'm old.

I'm 72 years old now.

Okay.

All right, now I want to go out with this young fella.

I'm just wondering if, uh, is the music very loud?

I'm out of noxious at this point.

I'm sorry?

I said I'm out of noxious at this point. Just stop in.

Oh, because I'm hard of hearing, dear, and I gotta have the music loud

so I can feel the vibrations in my genitals. You know what I'm saying?

Sure, just come on in, stop in, and turn up the music. Have a great night.

Wait, hold on, dear.

I was going somewhere, man.

That's not fair.

That's just not right.

All right.

Let me see what else is going on here.

New news sending in a number for Colin W. Fatt, born in February 1953.

Interesting.

Colin W. Fatt.

How do you get this shit?

I don't know where he gets that.

What the hell is that about?

What the fuck do you, I mean, what are you, like, stalking people?

You got that White Pages?

You got a subscription to that shit?

It's got a subscription to it.

Reverse lookups and shit?

reverse Zappa search lookup, whatever, yeah, he's all into that, he's got a whole technology,

him and Lonesome Loser both are like, I don't know, they got a, they got something going

on, yeah, something, tell them to find, I tell you what, fucking have one of those

guys message me, I'll tell you who to find, and see if you can dig them up, okay, just

for the hell of it, just as a, just as a, you know what I mean, see if they can do it,

just for the fuck, alright guys, Lonesome Loser, new new get with Reclute, and he's

He's going to give you a target, so to say.

We've got more numbers here to do, regardless here.

Mob Scene is in Beverly Hills, California.

Dude, Beverly Hills, that's where you want to be.

That's what I heard.

That's where you're going to be, right?

Aren't you getting a Beverly Hills phone number, you keep saying?

Are you working on that?

No, it's like a Burbank.

I'm going to be out there soon, though, dude.

I'm like about gone.

Studio City, man.

I can't take it here anymore.

This is fucking ridiculous.

Artie, let me take a look here.

How much candy have you had, sir?

That's right, LA's with that baby.

A few bags.

All right, so you came in with a bag.

You're working on the Jolly Ranchers now, right?

Before that, you had a bag of gummy sharks.

Yeah, and Swedish fish.

And Swedish fish.

Artie's there, too?

Yeah.

You know what, Artie?

Where are you from?

You're in Orlando.

He can't hear me.

He lives in Orlando.

He can hear you.

Yeah, he's in Orlando.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Zolar's here on vacation, and his boy Lou is here also with him.

Right.

Yeah, you know, Artie, maybe we should check you for diabetes.

All right, because with all that sugar, he's got to have, like...

Oh, yeah, can you check his blood sugar level right now?

Yeah, I've got to get my glucometer.

It's in the toilet.

Awesome.

We're doing that.

We're going to prick his finger first.

Oh, no.

Then we're going to spray him with some mason.

And I've got to go, Carlito, because I'm on vacation with these people.

And I can't just leave him hanging.

They're all at the house.

There's a beautiful pool.

It's all heated up.

And we heated it up extra so we can go in when it's cold.

Oh, nice.

There you go.

This is cold for you, by the way.

This is not cold weather, right?

No, for us, it's warm, dude.

Okay, yeah.

For us, it's like, oh, my God, it's cold.

Yeah, people around here, there's no shorts being worn.

This is beautiful.

Yeah, not me.

I don't care.

I love it.

Where Lou comes from, fucking, he comes from the Arctic almost, you know, like fucking

he's way up near Canada and shit.

And this fucking guy here thinks it's, you know, middle of summer.

He walks around in his fucking skivvies all day long.

He's out in his boxers in the hotel lobby, I'm sure.

No, he doesn't give a shit.

That's fucking...

It's like 61 degrees right now, as a matter of fact.

61 degrees.

61?

61.

61, sir.

That's right.

That was when I was on Cali.

It was around the same.

And everybody's like, I'm like, you fucking...

And this bitch at the airport was like, oh, my God, it's fucking freezing out there.

And then I walked outside.

I'm like, you're a fucking dirty cunt.

There you go.

You should have.

You should have put it right to her fucking face.

You should have shook your fist right in her face.

Hell, yeah.

All right, so you got, like, a little break going, so I can go outside and I'll smoke

my cigarette so I don't stink up your house.

That's fine.

Okay.

All right, cool.

Where the fuck is Mobsy?

I don't know.

I don't know what Mobsy needs.

Go ahead.

Take a break if you want.

And you can smoke a cigarette in here if you want.

I don't want to desecrate your area.

All right.

No problem.

All right, well, recall, I got Mob Scene or Dirty Dave's.

Which one are you thinking, Rick, with Mob Scene?

What the hell is Mob Scene, Beverly Hills?

Let me look this shit up.

I don't know.

It sounds like one of those secret kind of bring-your-own-bottle kind of places.

Mob Scene at the Crater.

You never heard of those, like, bring-your-own-bottle, like, bars?

You got to bring your own alcohol, and you got to pay a cover to get in?

That is fucking weird.

Yeah.

I guess, oh, is it like a theater?

No, no.

I don't know.

What does it show you?

What is it, like a movie theater?

It shows all these fucking movies and shit on the site.

All right, so I'm entering the site, and it says, about the mob.

It's a motion picture advertising and production company created by people who come from the world.

Okay, so let's see here, what we've done.

Okay, they've done, holy shit.

They've done a lot of shit, dude.

I don't want to prank these guys.

I want to get a job here.

Hey, hey, break.

No, they did, like, Iron Man, fucking, Norbit.

Norbit fucking sucks.

Valkyrie, Talladega Nights.

Talladega Nights is actually pretty good.

I like Talladega Nights.

Yeah, I like that, too.

Blades of Glory.

Just all sorts of shit.

Hey, oh, yeah, you know, I like those.

Those are the goofy movies that have a lot of Will Ferrell in them.

Maybe he must work for them a lot.

I just found out that other number, Dirty Dave's, is a gay bar.

A gay 90s pizza parlor, as a matter of fact.

It's a gay 90s pizza parlor.

That's fun, dude.

If that was in my town, I'd fucking go down there.

Yeah, so for sure.

I'm going to write that down.

We're going to make sure we call that.

Also want to talk about a movie I'm going to be seeing tomorrow.

Mara Reclue, be sure to catch that after our second half.

I guess Zola's going to be living here pretty soon, smoking a cigarette right now.

All down there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hang on.

Anyway, dirty mob scene.

Here we go.

Just a moment.

Hi.

Mac.

Mob scene, this is Lindsay.

Hi, this is Gary Busey.

I was trying to talk to Jason Rain.

Oh, yeah.

Hold on one moment.

All right, thank you.

The guy at Reclue.

Connect you to his cell phone?

Yes, please.

Okay, hold on one moment.

A message?

Dude, I'm looking great.

Takes forever.

This is taking forever.

3-2-1, good off.

It might suck, too,

to have this kind of

fuzziness to it.

Oh, man,

that was going to be

a good one.

We'll call her back

and tell her to hurry up.

Let's try that.

Listen,

I don't exactly have time.

Gary Busey,

I couldn't think of

anybody else,

but I know he's a nutcase,

so people believe

like crazy shit.

Yeah, you believe

he'd be calling in

in a second.

She was like

ready to connect me

like right away.

This is the fucking

like creative director.

Yes.

Like, this guy's

coming high up.

Because I was just

going to say like,

because I got the names here,

I was just going to

saying that, like, the vice president told me to call him or whatever,

get hooked up with something.

I mean, it's like they really don't have anything to do with actors.

I better go check on the guys.

When they went on the porch, I'm sure they're talking loud

and getting me in trouble out there.

It's out of my house.

Fucking bastards.

Okay, hey.

They're probably cussing out the fat gay guy.

They're probably cursing out the security guard out there.

I bet you anything.

He's like, you guys can't be out there talking love.

Anyway, let's call the gay pizza parlor.

Hey, Bubba, you want a hit?

Okay.

All right, this is the gay pizza parlor.

With the Gary Busey thing.

Yeah, there you go.

And then we'll call Mopsy and back and say, you know, you didn't appreciate the long wait.

We'll give her a chance to settle.

All right?

Cool.

Hang on, everybody.

If you've got any prank call requests, I'm going to send them in.

Reckley, me, Carlito, and Zolarz here also.

Even Evil Arty.

They will ruin your prank call.

Zolar's here too.

Reckless, are you there?

This is Darcy.

I can help you.

Hey, Dave, speech appaller.

It is.

Okay, I sent my daughter down, and she didn't get her order.

Okay.

She came back and said you wouldn't serve her.

All right, one moment.

Let me have you talk to the manager.

All right.

Okay.

Thank you.

Hi, this is Gabe speaking.

What happened?

Somebody refused my daughter's service down there.

When?

You're over on Martin Way over in Olympia, right?

Yeah, we're in between, like, Lilly and...

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, so I think I have the right place.

You don't have a couple restaurants.

You just have one restaurant?

Yes.

Okay.

All right, well, what's that?

When was this?

This was earlier.

What's that?

No, no, it was this evening.

It was this evening?

Yeah, about like two hours ago.

She's a little mixed.

She got a, she's a mixed child.

So I think, I think from my understanding.

What's that?

I don't believe we.

Don't believe me about that.

But I mean, I'll tell you what I heard.

Yeah, Daddy, Daddy.

My side of, what's that?

I said, Daddy, he's the man who told me I couldn't have any food in there.

Who said that?

So, excuse me?

Did she describe it or something?

I want to get to the bottom of this.

Who said that?

I remember your voice.

You was mean to me.

You told me that I should be getting out of there because I'm just nothing but a little nigglet.

Hello?

It is Washington.

I guarantee it's not exactly the center of civilization.

I fired people.

I fired people for that.

She could give me a job.

Have you had to?

Yeah, they were 100 per spot.

He was a white man.

You're the white man.

You're the devil.

I believe it was you.

Oh, you did about a year ago.

It was a similar incident.

It was a fellow employee.

Oh, wow.

Well, I'll tell you this.

this. I mean... I told you, Daddy. He the white man. So you're responsible? Yes. Okay, so I guess, I mean, the next

question is, I mean, where do you get off saying something like that? I didn't say anything like

that, sir. You might have said something about half and half or something. People of other race or

anything. It doesn't bother me at all. Okay, well, maybe you're just a little bit comfortable with

that, and maybe you stepped over the line. You didn't realize it. No, sir. That's fine. What time

How many fellas closed down here?

Clock.

11 o'clock.

Okay, well, I figure like this.

What do you got for a special tonight?

I don't have any dinner specials or anything, sir.

Pizza, there was issues on there.

Oh, okay.

All right, that's fine.

So, pretty much what we'll do is we'll take two of those large.

I don't think we should have to pay for either one of those.

No, that's to go and you can get them ready.

Daddy, daddy, I'm going to spit in our pizza, daddy.

I think he's going to spit in our pizza.

He evases.

Uh, listen, just have them ready, and if you've got some breadsticks...

No, sir, I'll have them ready, but I'm not giving them to you.

All right, um, I'll be up in no time.

That's fine. We'll see about that.

Just, uh, have them ready. That's fine.

And we'll see about the payment.

What are those?

Fine. I mean, we'll pay. We'll...

The race is, Daddy, you don't want to do it.

It's not going to be an issue of payment or being talked about.

We'll be paid for. I...

Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

Here's what I'm going to do, and I'll even take the breadsticks.

I'm going to pay for it tonight, but I want to have a talk

with your owner see what he says about that because and then i'm i guarantee i'm going to

get those folks here nine to five monday through friday well that's fine we'll be it we'll be here

in the mornings because it's just off be sure he's there a little bit i'm just going to go up

there before the place even opens because i want to take care of this i got to go out of town so

really have much time to deal with this but uh we'll get to the bottom of that's fine i'll pay

tonight make them pizzas ready i ain't putting up with no night what's that slow if we slice

license for just yeah just just one of them what name should we put it under see yeah sure gary

bucey who's that i was just making sure i see he's an actor b-u-s have that ready and uh yeah

we'll be down we'll be thank you at the very end with the bucey thing he got all self-conscious

like the actor what are you talking about that guy yeah you should have pushed on the free pizzas

though man i'm telling you that would have been yeah but i think he was about to hang up so i was

like all right have this have this fucking faggot make two of them yeah for nothing yeah there you

That's hilarious, he's like, listen, if I fire these two pizzas, you're a pants.

Oh yeah, that was the gay pizza place, that's right, yeah, that's right, that's right.

I don't think it's, do you think it's like gay gay, or, because, don't they say like the gay 90s in that expression about like the 1890s?

Yeah, well they say, yeah, the 1990s were the gay 90s, they say, I guess, I don't know.

No, 1890s.

1890s were gay?

Like happy?

Just look at that.

I'm looking at the font right now.

I'm looking at some old west fucking font.

Oh, they picked gay 90s.

That's so gay.

How nice.

This is Cedar Point.

This is the music park up north, Ohio.

Yeah?

It's got, like, bad-ass roller coasters and shit.

I always break the Guinness, like, every couple years.

But they had a place.

It was called Gay 90s Ice Cream Parlor.

Yeah, I'm here.

I'm here.

Gay 90s?

Yeah, it was a Gay 90s Ice Cream Parlor.

Okay.

That's what it was called.

So that's what...

I mean, and it was all, like, old-style school shit, Victorian, this and that.

So, I mean, it looks about the same, something like that.

All right.

Hey, Reckler, I've got to take a break real quick, man.

Thanks for calling in, all right?

All right.

You're the man.

All right, man.

I'll talk to you next week.

See you.

All right.

Reckler, everybody.

Zola, you're going to be heading out.

I understand.

Thanks for coming, man.

It was an honor and a pleasure seeing you finally and personally.

Yeah, it was great to meet you.

I have no disappointments here.

You're a gentleman and a scholar, as I thought you would be.

I'm a scholar.

Yeah, you dropped out.

You're not a scholar.

You're the anti-scholar.

You're the loaf.

All right.

All right, everybody else, keep staying tuned.

Everybody say bye to Zola and the rest of his trip.

Be careful on the way out.

I've got to give you directions real quick.

I love you, Zola.

Closer to you, actually.

Everybody, Zola.

Zola.

Everything.

So Compton, Deadline, Disturbed, DTT, Earthdog, Emmy Rose in the room.

Hello, Emmy.

Love, Emmy Rose.

Oh, she is the most beautiful thing.

How rude.

Yes.

Yes, I get that.

Evil Artie's in the room?

Oh, my God.

I thought I smelled something.

Oh, I'm here with him.

This is not a nightmare.

And John Ricker, of course, and Jungle Bunny with tits.

Carlito.

Kurt Claven and Lara and, you know, fucking, the list goes on.

It's just hard to do.

Wicked and Veracity, all of you people out there.

Motherfucking love you all.

Dr. Wago.

No, he's not in there.

And, you know, smoke weed every day.

Clone Homegrown.

Smoke weed every day.

Making a return.

We haven't seen him in a long time.

Oh, you cloned homegrown fans.

Spin the kit, and I won't be on tomorrow, ladies and gentlemen.

I shall return.

Next week.

Zola Vision, Friday, 9 p.m.

Zola Party Nation will be back next week, is it?

Okay, good.

Good for you.

All right, everybody, we'll be right back in about, holy shit, what happened over here.

Uh-oh.

We got a crisis.

Uh-oh.

My break music is, like, messed up.

Ooh, that's not good.

There we go.

All right, we'll be back in about, give me, like, six minutes, okay, ladies?

You're a nice guy.

Oh, look at these guys over here.

Why don't you guys kiss?

Why don't you guys kiss yourselves, you fucking faggots?

This radio will be back right after this.

May I speak with Mary, please?

Tell staff or Chris Collin to make sure that your stay for the time being has been acceptable.

I understand you just checked in today?

Yes.

Has everything been up to your specifications as far as the cleanliness of the room?

Yes.

Okay, I did want to report to you there's been an issue in your room with the toilet, actually.

Oh, there is?

I haven't used it.

Wait, have you had an issue with it?

It's broken?

Well, the problem is it has a tendency to flow over.

If it does, we're not responsible for it.

It's actually responsible on the person who's staying in the room.

If you put toilet paper in?

Yeah, I would not recommend putting any toilet paper or any large bowel movements in the toilet, ma'am.

Okay, thank you.

Hey, are there hotel bathrooms other than the ones in the room that you can use?

Yes, but you're actually not authorized to use it.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

I mean, you can use the toilet in the lobby, but if you do have to go in the middle of the night, I just want to reiterate,

if you make a mess in that room, you will be the one who cleans the toilet, you will clean the room,

and any damage to the carpet will come out of your deposit.

Uh-huh.

Because what I also will tell you, if you could just do a quick flush in the toilet right now,

maybe just to clean out the pipes real quick.

Okay.

I'm going to monitor here on my end on the water table.

Let me know what, well, is there someone else there with you right now?

Yeah, uh-huh.

Okay, could you tell them to flush it real quick?

You let me know when they flush it.

Okay, hang on.

All right.

Flush.

Flush?

Yeah, it's flushing.

All right, hang on.

I'm going to check it here on my end.

All right.

That looks like a strong flush.

Okay, go ahead and flush it again, please, if you could.

One more time, Mary.

Flush it again.

Oh, it hasn't recovered yet.

Oh, no.

On the back of the toilet, there's a little valve.

Hurry up and close it because it's going to overflow.

Is it going to overflow?

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, God, hurry up.

overflowing hurry hurry hurry it's not ever flowing it's gonna no it's don't in or yeah

flush it again okay flushing flushing it's flushed and i think i think this is something

blocked in there did you you guys are sure you didn't use the toilet at all no you didn't put

any paper in there did you put any this is valentine who's committed by security i am the

manager my name is mr zola how are you fine this is the most bizarre conversation i've ever had

Well, it turns out that, ma'am, if we don't, I become responsible.

Once, in fact, we have pledged anybody's bodily fluids and indicate, you know,

we're all running your menstrual cycle at the same time, the tampons get in us.

Yeah, according to this, it looks like there might be, did you folks perhaps flush down a feminine napkin or anything like that?

No, we didn't.

There's a blockage between your room.

There's a blockage.

Okay, you can see that there's a blockage.

Yeah, we have a near-perfect system.

We spare no expense here at the Millennium.

So, you know, I mean, it's either, it's registered as a feminine napkin or half of a turkey sub from Subway.

Okay, hang on.

Okay.

Sure.

There's nothing.

Can we try one more flush to try to clear it out?

I mean.

Who is this?

This is hotel security, and you're speaking with the concierge, Mr. Carlito.

My name is Mr. Zola.

And he is watching the water taste.

He's up there next to me in a napkin one time because we didn't.

I don't have my details.

All right, we're back.

Yeah, thanks, man.

We had fun.

It was a little out there, but we had fun.

Zolar's on his way to another appearance now.

He's going to be headed to a bar in downtown Orlando.

He's heading to Scores.

Scores.

Oh, man.

Artie, it's just you never had salmon before?

I've never really had salmon.

I hope you're not allergic to fish, man.

No, I don't think so.

People, they don't know their whole life.

They eat salmon for the first time.

Like they say.

Next thing you know, you get throat AIDS and you die, Artie.

I can't hear myself on the mic.

Can you hear me through there?

I can.

Okay, because what is it?

If it smells like fish, make it a dish.

Yeah, you're buzzing really loud.

If it smells like cologne, leave it alone.

Isn't that how it goes?

If it smells like cologne, leave it alone.

Mm-hmm.

That sounds nasty.

Sounds like a sexual kind of thing.

What are you talking about?

Hang on.

I'm fixing all these shits.

You're still buzzing, man.

Hang on.

Take it easy.

Brother man, there you go.

There we go.

There you go.

Matter of fact, you can get the better headphones now.

Fuck it.

That sounds like a vibrator instead of a buzzing.

It's his nasty microphone.

It buzzes.

It's too powerful.

Yeah, right.

We're back side.

It's fine on my show.

You got a pretty computer too.

Your mom has a computer.

Stole it from you.

I got a mighty microphone.

Alright guys, let's do a phone prank call.

I'm Carlito.

We're going to wrap things up here pretty soon.

It is midnight.

You got to get going home.

No, I'm staying here.

My brother's kicking me out of the house.

Say what?

I've got to stay here now.

My brother's kicking me out.

Why?

What happened?

I eat all his food.

Oh, shit.

Really?

Yeah.

Even the, um...

Why are we doing this?

Why are we eating like pigs?

Let's stop this.

Come on.

This is what you do.

I know.

Perfect.

I wanted to play the rest of the chimpanzee attack.

Hang on.

Listen to that.

Isn't this a crazy story?

This woman has a chimpanzee.

She's been into a bunch of TV commercials.

commercials apparently gives us some xanax chimpanzee goes crazy runs us out of the house

woman calls her friend to come over help her coax the chimpanzee back inside the house

chimpanzee sees the woman freaks out attacks her rips her face off etc etc and at the beginning

of this call you can hear them you can hear the chimpanzee i mean it sounds funny it almost sounds

like the 911 operator wants to laugh he thinks it's a great call it's too fucking low in this

version i had a version that was nice and loud this one doesn't seem to be it but it's not it

Artie, not Artie, what's your name?

Milkman.

It's not right to laugh at this situation with what happened.

This person got their face, you know.

I'm not laughing.

That was Artie, bro.

I'm crying, man.

All right, okay.

Artie, don't laugh.

That's not right.

Bullshit.

I turned your mic off because you were chewing.

What the fuck?

Shut up.

You motherfucker.

Let's check this out.

Fuck you, motherfucker.

I got my wedding ring.

My wedding ring, we bought it.

Did I tell you, Milkman?

I got the wedding ring.

It's titanium because I don't like it.

No, well, you told me you was looking at little stuff and stuff.

I don't like jewelry, and, you know, selling Athena,

look, is there any way that between me and you I can just not wear the wedding ring

because I don't like wearing any jewelry, I'm against it, I find it's constricting.

You're vibrating again, dude.

Oh, it's hard to hear my escape, okay?

It sounds like, remember those old late football games that were made out of metal back in the 70s?

Yes.

You put a little man around, he'd vibrate and go in circles and stuff.

That's what it sounds like.

Yeah, that was the stupidest game because there was no art or skill to it.

But anyway, so Athena's like, absolutely not.

You must wear a wedding ring.

So I was like, I was dreading this.

And I took a look, and I got this.

It's very light.

It's made completely titanium.

I did it in gold.

I put in a white gold one at first, and it was like so bright.

You did it in platinum?

Yeah, I was thinking about platinum, but I ended up with titanium.

I think it's titanium.

Titanium's good.

It's nice and strong.

Very strong, and it looks very good.

And light.

It's very hard.

And it's very sharp, too, man.

You could cut somebody's head off if you sharpened the edge of that.

And I will, too.

Do you never know?

If the Nazis rise up again, I'll use it to kill Nazis and Polish people.

Hey, is that Lego calling in?

I don't know.

Let's find out.

Hello?

Hi, Carlito.

Hey, DTT.

How are you doing, man?

Well, man, when's your party?

23rd.

May 23rd.

You coming?

Yeah.

Yeah, Dino and me, we're talking, and he said...

How am I going to do it?

He said he's totally into having a poster made up and maybe just promoting a little bit.

How are you going to do it?

I don't know, DTT.

I can't help you out with that.

You're more than welcome to come, but...

Okay, you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to go to New Jersey.

New Jersey.

Are you going to go to Miami City or are you going to go to Newark?

How far is Newark?

I don't know.

I know Newark is like right next to Newark, isn't it?

Like right there?

Yeah.

Dude, I think he's got a cousin in a supercell up there, so I'm sure he can get in.

No, you take a plane to Newark, and then you take the number two bus,

take that all the way over to your final destination, which would be Atlantic City.

Just do Microsoft flights and run a lesson.

Hang on, DTT, don't go anywhere.

There we go.

DTT, what were you saying now?

How long was it?

I don't know.

I'm not the guy to ask because I live in Florida.

Any of our New Yorkers can tell you, though.

Who's in the chat room right now from New York?

We should have asked.

Yeah, Zola left, that punk.

Is Zola going?

Zola, he said he's going to go.

Oh, yeah, he said, barring any act of God or something like that, he'll be there.

Does he live in the city?

I don't know.

No, he lives in Brooklyn.

Is that the city?

Brooklyn.

Is Brooklyn the city?

No?

No, Manhattan.

It's not too far from Brooklyn.

If I can meet him, we can get a ride.

So when people say downtown, it's Manhattan, right?

Yes.

Okay.

What's Brooklyn?

A borough?

Is it like one of the boroughs?

You know what?

I'm going to talk to Zola and maybe we can set up some...

Oh, shit.

Zola left without a CD.

Oh, well.

Not a lot for nothing.

I'll send it to Tuck instead, I guess.

Okay.

I'm going to talk to Zola and I want more details.

You can give it to me.

No.

Yeah.

I'm going to give you the details with a date and everything like that.

I'll send you an email.

You know my email is manhouseradio at gmail.com.

You send me an email and I'll send you all the details for the bachelor.

For anybody who doesn't know what we're talking about, we're planning a bachelor party for me.

It's going to be a show May 23rd.

We're going to do a show together, do some prank calls, and then go out to the casino for a little bit.

Then we all go home.

You're going to do a debauchery or what?

I don't know where I'm going to do it yet.

Maybe the Trump.

Then the Trump out there.

You got the Bellagio and that out there.

There's going to be all kinds of strippers there.

I'll talk to you about maybe next week.

Yeah, yeah.

Let me know.

During the week.

You know how to get a hold of me, man.

Just give me a call.

You got my number.

You've called me before.

Whatever it takes.

Just do it, all right?

What should I call you?

Keep in touch with your sleeper cell.

Call my cell phone number, man.

I'll pick up.

For you, I will pick up.

I'll call you next week.

All right, we'll talk, man.

No worries.

Good, thank you.

All right, take care.

That's DTT, everybody.

God, the microphones are all jacked up.

I've got to turn that off now, right?

Yeah, you've got to hang up.

Hang up.

DTT gets up here and I know it.

Fat fingers over here.

All right, let's do a few more prank calls.

He's walking the site right now.

Right now he is.

Let's do some prank calls and let's call it a night.

I've got a lot of numbers here from the U.K. and from Ireland.

Okay, interesting.

We're seeing Tess O'Hara, Sparf Fortifield, et cetera, et cetera.

We've got those looking good.

Looking good here, guys.

In the meantime, we're going to call Chili's Grill and Bar.

Hey, I have a problem.

I came in there and I had a two-goal.

You know when you eat the food, when people bring the food to my space,

and sometimes you don't finish all the food, you give me the box, right?

Okay.

Okay, and I put my food in my box, and I went to make a toilet.

When I came back, the food was gone, and the waiter was like, oh, yeah, I got rid of it.

I was gone.

I only had, because the food came out cold, I only had like two bites of the food.

I put it back.

I put it in the box.

I go to use the bathroom.

I come back, and it's gone.

He refused to get me the food and out of the trash.

I said it was still a 10-second rule.

He said no.

I refused to get it out of the trash.

Do you know who your server was?

The white guy.

It was a white guy.

The white guy?

Yeah.

You can't be a little bit more specific than the white guy?

Like, did he have hair?

Was he behind the bar?

He had hairs.

He had hairs, shoes on.

Are you serious right now?

He had hair and shoes on?

He had the black shoes, the dark hair and the dark shoes.

He had dark shoes and dark hair.

I'm sorry, am I bothering you?

Should I maybe call and speak to a manager?

No, no, I'm going to direct you to a manager.

I'm trying to track down who he was, but our uniform is black shirts and...

What is your name? Can I please have your name?

My name is Agatha.

I'm writing that down.

That's awesome.

What's your last name?

Everyone here, honey, has black shoes and a black shirt.

I just know he had his outfit.

I don't know if it was like, was he a short individual, was he a tall individual?

I'm trying to think of the people that worked here tonight.

He was an average height.

I'm trying to figure out who it was.

He was about an average height.

Were you in the lounge?

No.

I was mostly in the most part, I was in the lounge, but then I was in a period of time,

I was in the table, I was eating food at the table, and then I went to the toilet.

I went to make a toilet.

Okay.

But I mean when you were in the lounge, you were in the bar area,

because it's kind of blocked off from the other parts.

There's a lounge, yeah.

I know the lounge, yeah.

I like it.

I just want my food, you know, and it's a public apology maybe.

No, no, he'll definitely give that to you.

I just want, they're going to ask you who your server was.

Maybe I have this information.

Maybe I do.

Do you have your check?

I might.

Because on the check would have his name.

I'll talk to the manager.

I'm in the office, so yeah.

This is a man I'm going to talk to, right?

It's a man you're going to talk to.

Okay.

Next time, if this ever happens again, just at the time after, immediately.

With the threats.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Go ahead.

I'll let him know that you threatened me, too, just now.

It's all right.

All right, but one second.

No, bye-bye.

Yeah, right.

Woman is threatening me?

What's he want?

Zohar is calling in.

Start in trouble.

I want to mention for all you podcast listeners who are asking me, yes and no.

The podcast has not been updated in one and a half weeks, one and a half months.

I want to first of all apologize to all our podcast listeners and fans about that.

Number two, I want to let you know the sad truth.

The sad truth is that I indeed do have podcast episodes that have already been completed,

are uploaded, all it requires of me is to flick a switch.

in order to do that.

Unfortunately, I haven't flicked that switch yet, everybody.

But the last two episodes of Madhouse Radio are up at this time.

That's the episode from February 12th and February the 5th.

And we also have two episodes from January that weren't updated yet.

So that's a total of four episodes that are ready to go.

And I did make a promise that I was going to do that on Monday.

Monday came, Monday went, I didn't update it.

I wish I had an honest answer to you folks as to why I haven't updated the podcast.

Let's just say that they're ready.

Hello, it's taking a very long time.

I'm going to go ahead and terminate the call here in just a few seconds.

Matter of fact, I'm going to go ahead and disconnect it right now.

Hang on, everybody.

Cheers.

Let me tell you why I'm not moving in every day.

Who's speaking?

Jimmy's manager.

Some music sounds are coming.

The show must be getting ready.

Bastard.

Don't tire yourself.

Because I've bought your upcoming program.

And no program of David Brown's can take part in a third great man like you.

In that program, Jimmy will take your place.

You bloody son of a gun!

I will sue you for my respect and breach of contract!

Sure, do it.

But when you claim your respect, my lawyer will ask you for your respect.

Now let's talk about the breach of contract.

I will honor that contract.

You will get your money.

You can't do this to me!

I am a superstar!

See you.

You want to destroy me?

I will see you!

Yeah, angry Hindu.

There's an angry Hindu guy

that got on the phone with me over there.

I'm making a return call to report you

for being a harassing person.

I'm making a return call.

I got a harassing call from an Indian man.

He made a...

You have the wrong phone number.

No, no, I had star 69.

It said direct here,

and I had the reverse directory look up

with a woman at 411.

She said it was Geezer's Restaurant.

She did the reverse checkup.

I have a date here.

It was tonight at 11.50 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

I don't mean to tell you you're wrong, but you are.

These phones don't sell out.

It couldn't have been Geezer's Restaurant.

Well, I think someone there is up to no good.

I think someone out there is up to something very disgusting and sick.

I want you to know that the telephone is not a joke.

It is not a phone.

Many people have sacrificed themselves for the telephone network of the United States of America.

Fucking asshole.

Bitch.

Don.

Don will know what to do.

Yes? Who's it?

Donald.

Food SRC.

I will be trapped by AT&T security.

Hi.

I was now being traced by AT&T security and podcasting network.

You will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

Hi.

Eat your face.

Pizza, I'm so bummed out I can't have pizza, man.

Why don't you go out to Whataburger and get me a hamburger and bring it back?

Diversity over there.

Oh, really?

It's a Texas, uh, decided to open up a floor.

They're very, very good.

You never heard of Whataburger?

No, I've heard of them.

Oh, man, they're right there and right down the road.

You mean I was right next to the college?

Yeah.

You're, you're, you're stupid, Artie.

You're so stupid.

Ryan, turn me into Paul.

I remember once I told Artie, hey, Artie, man, you want to go out?

We'll go to Olive Garden.

He's like, Olive Garden?

That's far away.

I'm like, there's an Olive Garden, like, right up the road on Alifea.

Really?

I didn't know that.

He had so much stuff near where he used to live, bro.

How could you

I don't understand

I was your age

Man

And I ran

At least the UCF area

I knew where

Everything was in there

You know

I didn't go out that much

I went out

Not as much though

But I did go out

A little bit

So you live in

Volusia County now

In the Berries

Yeah

You know how to get back home

Right

You're going to take 50

To I-4

I-4 no

You ain't got driving

You got to go to work tomorrow

I told you already

That's the best thing

To do honestly

What are you talking about now man

Marty's got his pants off

That's why I had to turn the camera off.

Dino said to take that off immediately.

Oh, he's over at Sonic's?

He's over at Sonic's?

Dude, you know where we need to go?

Crystals, man.

Oh, man, right now.

Speaking of that, have you seen that one dude, Matthew Licious?

Yeah, I heard of the guy, the kid.

He wants to do a White Castle eating contest with me, and he's in Sanford.

That Matthew Licious guy's in Sanford?

Yeah.

Is he really, that gay?

Oh, that dude?

Oh, wait a minute.

He makes me look anorexic.

Really?

Yeah.

And he wants to do that?

Bro, I'll sponsor.

I'll join in on that, too.

You got to get me in.

Dude.

He says White Cat.

Oh, man, I love WC's.

Get him by the suitcase, dude.

Well, you can't get White Cat's on the floor.

What's he talking about?

That's gay.

No, no, no.

You take us to Crystals.

Go to fucking Crystals, man.

You know what?

I'm going to go pound for pound, man.

I can eat the hell out of some Crystals.

I don't know, man.

Me and you should do it.

We should get like about 50 Crystals to see.

How many Crystals do you think you can do in one sitting?

Twelve.

That's pussy shit, man.

No, that's a steamer.

No, you get it by the suitcase.

The steamer's the box.

That's 24.

The stack is a 12.

Yeah, man.

Oh, hell, dude.

That's a snack.

What are you talking about, man?

I was just going to ask for that.

Oh, see?

Hey, Milkman, when we, uh, they got White Castle up in Pennsylvania.

When we go for the wedding, we're going to go to White Castle.

Let's get crazy, dude.

Yeah, let's get crazy.

You know what I like, dude?

They've got these ones now.

Now, it's called jalapeno cheese, man.

Get a suitcase of fucking jalapeno cheese, buddy.

Cheese.

Yeah.

Coming up next, we got the second base bistro coming up next.

Just a moment.

Dahlia, how are you, sweetie?

Okay.

Oh, good.

I want to make a complaint about the pizza mugged my tooth angry.

My jaws got angry, and I clenched my jaws.

What is your phone number?

Are you level 2 or level 3 English?

Excuse me?

My phone number is 407.

459-4534

hold on please

hello negra

who is this

what's your name

name

my name is maria

oh maria

cool

can i take my order

should i start

are you waiting on me

ok

this one time

i went to

listen listen listen

listen to my story first

you waste my time

listen to my story first

this one time

i went to water burger

and i was in the drive through

and i was

i was

out of it

it was a bad time

dark time in my life

are you there

negra

hello

ok

so i got to the drive through

and I wasn't even paying attention.

I was just reading the menu and listening to the radio.

And the lady, you know, had asked me to go ahead with my order.

And I didn't know.

And I sat there for like a good ten minutes waiting for her to come.

And then for this whole ten minutes, I was paranoid.

I was like, did she really say it?

I mean, I think she said something.

Did she say hang on or this and that, you know?

Where did you call?

I wanted to make an appointment for food.

I wanted to make an order.

Okay.

Okay, you said your phone number is 407-459-4534?

Is that what I said?

Okay, and what is your last name?

Valente.

And your first name?

Chucho.

This is Chucho Valente.

Okay.

All right.

But what city are you calling?

I'm calling from horse.

What?

Calling from horse.

What is it?

You know what a horse is?

No.

You don't know what a caballo is?

I don't know what it is.

Horse, horse.

I know, I know what a caballo is.

I don't know.

That's where I'm at.

I'm in the horse.

Okay, you want to just play, or you want to order?

I'll make an order.

I'll play, though.

I will play with you.

I would like to play with you, Maria.

Maria, you know that's...

You know Maria, that's the name from the Bible.

I know.

Is that who you're named after?

Mary Magdalene, you know she was a prostitute?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Jesus had sex with Mary Magdalene.

Jesus paid Mary Magdalene as like a prostitute.

You know that?

Jesus had sex with Mary Magdalene when she was a...

She did.

Fucking kicked your ass.

Yeah, right.

This is what you do.

I know, but I know already you want to put stuff in my mouth.

To place the call, press 1.

The following is a sound of a man's voice.

To use your normal voice, press 1.

To change your voice to sound like a woman, press 2.

To change your voice to sound like a man, press 3.

Oh, man, we should put...

To hear a sample of what a voice change will sound like,

Record a short sentence after the tone, followed by the pound sign.

The following is a sample of a woman's voice.

The following is a sample of a man's voice.

Use your normal voice to sound like a woman.

To hear a sample of what your voice change will sound like,

record a short sentence after the tone, followed by the pound sign.

How you doing?

The following is a sample of a woman's voice.

Oh, holy cow.

Sounds like fucking Jeremy.

The following is a sample of a man's voice.

Use your normal voice.

That sounds like a tiny.

Change your voice to sound like a woman.

Let's call the Desert Inn Hotel.

You change your voice to sound like a man.

How about that gay pizza shop?

How about Dr. Nargas?

To record this call.

Dr. Nargas?

Then Eddie Garcia.

Get out the megaphone.

Yeah, let's add the megaphone to it.

Hello, is this the Desert Inn?

Yes, it is. How can I help you?

All right, let's see what it says.

It must have sounded really deep and unintelligible.

I've got to replay it.

You have 96.

Recording saved.

February 20th at 1234 a.m.

Yeah, let's add the megaphone to it.

Hello, is this the Desert Inn?

You can't really hear it, though.

If I remember what the pin number is, I can actually pull it up on the PC, like, really quick.

Oh, no.

Where's my G-phone?

Where's it at?

Put it on your G-phone, man.

I think the battery's dead.

I don't know what's going on out there.

Oh, hell.

Artie, why did you vibrate so long?

I got it here, man.

Don't worry about it.

What is going on?

It sounds like aliens outside attacking, doesn't it?

Oh, shit.

That scared me.

Zola pissed off the guard, dude.

All right.

Let me pull it all up on the spoof card here.

Riley Martin.

It's not updated yet on the phone.

There's a delay.

Let's see what I do here.

Yeah, it still takes a while for them to update it, I think.

That sucks.

I really would like to hear it right now.

We've got to call back.

What's up, Schiffer Brains?

How you doing?

Hey, man.

I'm really enjoying your show, man.

Yeah?

Good.

What are you drinking?

I'm just drinking some cheap wine.

Hey, uh, is Ari still here?

Yeah, you need to talk to him?

Hey, Ari, don't leave Carlito's house, man.

Why not?

Well, you tried to send him out for a hamburger, but I'm afraid that you won't let him back in,

and I don't want him to leave your house, man.

Oh, God.

Nothing's going to happen to him.

Well, he went in to spend the night here, man.

I had to get him up at 7 o'clock.

No, man, not spend the night.

I want him to stay there, man.

Forever?

Permanently.

Stay there.

No, no, no.

I'm not about to be picking up a babysitting case for Mr. Ruff.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hurry.

Fall down and pretend you hurt your leg, man.

Hang on.

All right.

Hey, crazy fucker wants to talk to you.

Oh, crazy fucker.

Peace.

What up, you crazy motherfucker?

I want you to fall down and pretend you hurt your leg.

and then tell fucking Carlito

that you're going to stay at least six months

or else you're going to sue his ass

because he's a homeowner.

He's like a responsible party for any injuries you sustain.

You always have a scam or some kind of thing, man.

Crazy fucking...

What is wrong with you?

You could get a life.

Hey, man, are you going to get married

with like a Puerto Rican wedding

where you dance under a limbo stick

and drink out of a coconut and shit?

You Republicans are racist comments

of a limbo stick?

No, I'm getting

it's in a Greek

ceremony, sir.

Okay,

why don't you have

a Jewish wedding

and get married

in the bathtub?

In the bathtub?

The fucking Jews

are so cheap

they get married

in the bathtub

and then call it

double ring ceremony.

Oh, that's horrible.

How could you say

something like that, sir?

Hey, why are you

so into this?

I don't feel like

I'm not.

Hey, man,

you're asking

a question now.

Hang on,

you're asking

a question now.

Our evil audio

makes a good point.

He says you're

anti-Semitic

to the help but then you like you love uh dr wago well well you know i'm talking about like what's

going on over there in israel what the fucking uh jews are doing to the poor fucking palestinians

over in the gaza strip man they're perpetrating genocide upon them but the news media in this

country don't say a goddamn thing about it and you know you was talking earlier about that

that chimpanzee that ripped the face off that lady.

What do you think about that, man?

Isn't that bullshit?

That's a woman's fault.

Well, yeah, but here's what's going to happen about six months from now.

That chimpanzee in the White House is going to rip the face off the American people

just like that fucking chimpanzee ripped the face off that woman.

All you fucking Obamatards that voted for that fucking, that fucking...

Fucking piece of shit, Republicans.

You Republicans, here we go, go ahead.

Republicans, Jews, what else is it?

Peace, love, and joy.

He's a Republican.

He's anti-everything.

Being in the White House is going to rip the face off the American people.

Crazy fucker, you're one of our most conservative listeners, I must say.

And, I mean, I beg to differ.

I don't think in six months that Obama's going to rip the face off the Americans.

You know, it's like, who's he got there, Rahm Emanuel, a Jewish citizen there, calling the shots for him?

All right, so Michael Chertoff is a citizen of Israel.

I heard that crazy fucker was actually a Jewish, though.

Probably is. He probably got some Jew in him.

Some little Jew boys in him right now.

Hey, I'm just talking to you.

That's why I hate you for that.

How fucking insane it is to...

Crazy fucker, what are your feelings on...

...labeled on anybody, man.

I look at everybody as an individual.

That's good.

I like Dr. Lago as an individual.

The content of Dr. Lago...

Dr. Lago don't come out and say that he's a...

He don't, though.

He just does his thing and is like, he don't, you know, he don't...

I'm talking about these fucking motherfuckers that are these Jew sons of bitches

that talk all this shit about they're the chosen people of God and all that.

shit when it doesn't. There's nothing in the Bible that says that. In fact, in the

Bible, it says they're children of Satan. It says they're children of Satan.

Che Guevara, a crazy fucker movie, Benicio Del Toro, comes out tomorrow night. Are you

excited about the movie? Are you thinking about watching it or renting it at a later

point?

No, no, no, man. I don't get excited about fucking movies, man.

Okay.

But you know what? You ought to be on CNN or Fox station. You know why?

Why's that?

Because they do prank news propaganda, and you do prank calls.

I mean, their news is about as real as the calls you make, right?

Right.

Except when they make their fucking prank news propaganda pieces,

it's like it's to brainwash and control the masses of dumb sheep in this country.

Are they pranking us all?

They're pranking us all.

Yes, they are.

They're pranking you all, man.

Crazy fucker, have you ever been in love?

Have I ever been?

I'm in love constantly.

I'm in love with them three beautiful women right now on cams one, two, and three.

No, but in real life.

Have you ever been engaged or married?

You know that one of those women is a man, crazy fucker?

Really?

A he-she?

Yeah.

A chick with a dick?

Yeah.

Can you guess which one?

John Rooker.

It's a man and woman's name.

Of course it's John Rooker.

I would say if I was three, it'd probably be that one comped in there in the middle.

It's probably a chick with a dick.

I can't see it over here.

Oh, there's a woman picking her nose right now.

It must be her.

It must be him.

Nose-picking woman.

Who's nose-picking woman?

What's her name?

Oh, that's that beautiful black young lady there.

Yeah, I see you, black girl, picking your nose.

You're on camera.

We got you recorded.

Get out banner, Dino.

I'm a little bunny with tits.

I don't like people picking their nose during my show.

What's up?

That John Rica, she was on Camp 4.

You answered the phone, and she thought it was me, and then she's like, she can't face me, so she had to click off her cam.

Oh, my God, brother, so you've done that to her?

Did you insult her?

Yeah, that's right.

That's right.

But there were three beautiful women, man, on cams one, two, and three.

Carlito, you've got some kind of action happening there, buddy.

I'm Puerto Rican.

There she is.

She's back there.

Hey, Puerto Rican.

What's up, nigga?

Kevlar Brazier.

She looks like she's got a Kevlar bra on.

She's got a Kevlar bra.

You're crazy.

Crazy fucker, I'm glad to see you back in the chat room now that I guess things moved over to a different place.

No, I'm not in the chat room, dude.

Are you just a guest?

Fuck them fucking Jews on Syndicate Radio TV.

Fuck them all, and fuck all them Jews on there, man.

Oh, damn.

Half them people, I read their shit.

But you look at them as individuals.

They're Jewish, and they're so proud of it, you know.

But they're beautiful as individuals, Tuck's saying.

Well, why don't you be proud of being a human being, man?

Man, why does everybody have to put a handle on everybody and say,

this guy is this and this guy is that and this person is this and that person is that?

We're all just fucking human beings.

That's how they control and manipulate us is by calling this guy a Muslim and this guy a Jew.

I was fucking jealous of this human being.

We all look at him as an individual.

We're listening to a bunch of old fuckers.

Crazy fucker.

I'm up against a heartbreak and I got to take a shit.

All right, brother.

Hey, good luck.

Hey, you too, man.

Hey, man, I will talk to you next week, brother, man.

Don't be a stranger.

We love you, sir.

All right.

And, hey, Artie, do not move out of Carlito's house.

I want you to stay there, man.

Okay, I'll camp out.

Yeah, right, do that, man.

Set up a tent on his fucking porch and go around and knock on his neighbor's doors

and ask to borrow, like, fucking sugar and cupcakes.

Can I borrow cupcakes?

If you don't want to know if you can loan me a steak for tonight, you know, make your arrangement.

He'll make a room for you there.

Do you have any beef?

All right.

Bye.

This is my bed right here.

Quit eating.

Stay there, Artie.

Stay there.

All right, bye.

Bye.

I'm hanging up here.

Bye now.

Jesus Christ.

Why didn't you buy any?

I told you to buy chips.

You didn't buy any chips.

I'm starving here.

I had a stupid piece of salmon.

Not enough.

Still hungry, man.

It's fucking angry.

Whatever.

Yeah, it was good, but it wasn't enough food.

I need something.

There was some balls in it.

I want some peanut butter

I was like don't buy the peanut butter

you're getting you know AIDS or something

I bet you do don't you

you rub it all in the balls

crunchy peanut butter don't you

no god damn it

we're gonna end the show here pretty soon folks

I'm getting tired

Madhouse Radio for a Friday morning

it's 12 46 a.m. on Friday morning

February the 20th

are there 28 or 27 days this year

in February

29 or 28

your mic is on I think it's

i don't know and there are 28 28 28 it's not 27 i mean it's 28 or 29 yeah but it's only 29 yeah no

yeah and in in the olympic years is when it's uh 29 28 this year man well we just had the olympics

but that was last year right 2008 man those olympics man they sucked they sucked this year

no but i'll take it back they just sucked because they couldn't watch it online because it's super

with Microsoft. And there's silver light

bullshit. No, it sucked because it was in China.

You know, Milkman,

I'm going to pray for you, Milkman, because you're Asian.

He's half Asian. He's Japanese.

I am not.

I'm fucking black, motherfucker.

What the fuck's your problem, man?

Thank God you're not a Jew.

Good point there.

Good God, man.

I'm an Amish farmer.

You're not Jewish. You're Jewish?

Who's Jewish? I'm Amish.

No, Tux isn't Jewish.

here's a picture of milkman you don't tell me he's not japanese look at him look look at look

at the picture milkman yes milkman look is that you milkman and milkman he's definitely asian whoa

that's not that's carlito that's milkman again yeah man that's my curly hair yeah he's got long

girl hair yeah he looks he looks like a girl ah milkman girl milkman milk girl

prank call you know i don't have an international card but john rica is the milk girl tonight what

What are you talking about?

Milkers.

Gotta love them.

Sal's Mexican Inn.

Let's see if they're still open.

Well, there we go.

Play a tune there on your guitar machine, Milkman.

Play us a happy song.

I'm just putting some new strings on, dude.

Oh, fuck.

You suck.

Let me play something here, Milkman.

If you can't entertain the people, then what good is it that we bought you a guitar?

Bastard.

We need to call the place that we called the bastard.

Hey, Cosmic.

How you doing, buddy?

This is the Cosmo.

Cosmos.

The Inn, right?

Mexican in.

Sal's Mexican in.

Get out of here.

Hello?

Hey, Sal.

Sal, say I want to make an order.

Rice and beans.

It's actually already closed.

When do you open up again?

Do you have any spare meats, tortillas, anything that you're throwing away that's spoiled?

Not yet spoiled?

No, no.

Everything's already put away.

Do you have any rice, please?

I'm just hungry.

To be honest with you, I don't have money and I'm hungry.

It's a stupid premise.

Let me have our manager check real quick.

Can I put you on hold?

I suppose.

I'll be back like in ten minutes.

I don't know how these people work.

I know you ain't.

He thinks I should drive home.

Artie, get on Google and find me the phone number for the crystals on East Colonial, please.

What?

Want to give them a call?

Why do you want to call them?

Will you go out there and get me a sack of crystals and bring it back?

I am sorry, man.

He's already put everything in the refrigerator and turned everything off.

Yeah, I'm talking to my friend about a sack of crystals, woman.

Is this the manager?

Hello?

You guys have a really good night.

I don't have anything for you.

Go to hell.

Thank you.

Go to hell.

I got a sack for you.

Thanks, evil Artie, for ruining it.

I didn't ruin it.

You did.

I can go to hell.

You see how people are in this country?

I want to go to hell.

I asked for food, and she said I can go to hell.

What did I say to her?

That was so wrong.

Nothing.

Yeah, I know.

You just talked about it.

All she heard was sack, probably, and she probably had a dirty mind.

She started making assumptions that we're nasty people because we're Puerto Rican.

We're fat.

I'm

not Puerto Rican.

I'm not Mexican either.

I'm Italian.

You didn't know.

I thought you were Jewish.

Look at me.

So I'm trying to wonder.

I'm trying to wonder.

I'm trying to think here.

Apparently, Athena has this bright idea that we're supposed to be celibate for two months before the wedding.

I'm like, why?

What's the point?

Oh, no.

Well, you know, the church says you should try it.

And, you know, this one couple that I know did it.

And they said it was good.

And I'm like, no way.

Are you crazy?

No way, dude.

Two months?

I can't.

No.

All right, how about at least oral sex?

Come on, man.

You got to at least have some pie.

Get some Stinky Pinky.

Like, well, you already know.

So what's up?

Tell me about your Stinky Pinky experience.

You going to be getting that Stinky Pinky anytime soon?

When's the last time you got some Stinky Pinky?

Come on, you know you want it.

Yeah, that looks good.

You got to try the barbecue sauce before you eat the barbecue.

You try the sauce.

Taste the sauce before you eat the barbecue.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

And all that milk.

WS Pizza Market, we called them earlier.

i don't know if i should call them again we have we have the asacuna restaurant or an asian woman

answered and made uh made a question is there still a new night rider is that still on tv

you're gonna give those crystals i'll let you buy a sack for yourself give me some crystals

i have reached the offices of jack valente ralph little john

I didn't call my Zo.

They're currently closed.

Please leave a message for the on-call staff.

I called that once, actually.

Oops.

You may also call us on the next...

I was going to leave a message for myself, you stupid shit.

Hang up the phone.

No, you didn't do it.

You always do that where you hit the other buttons.

It was good having you here again, Evil Artie, you know?

We got to meet Zo.

Nope.

No, you can come back.

Not next week.

Maybe the weekend.

I think maybe you'd be good for...

Maybe.

I think it'd take once a month of Evil Artie.

Once a month appearance

And plus I can't really come here very often

Is your mic on?

It's really not on at all

Say something

Why do you have to have phantom power on just for your voice

This is what buzzes so bad

Why do you have to have phantom power anyway

That's loud dude

You only need that if you got a condenser mic

Yeah that's all I got

Okay

That's what's going on

The phantom power

It sources, like, shit, man.

Oh, Evilard, do you know where I went for, um, Valentine's Day?

Seafood place?

You got crabs on Valentine's Day?

I did.

I got all-you-can-eat crab.

Oh, my God, I ate so much fucking crab.

I ate a lot of it.

That's fucking disgusting, dude.

Oh, man, crabs taste good.

You put some butter in it.

Butter.

Butter and crabs, man.

Nothing tastes better.

You go get me some crabs.

I thought butter was only for the other hole.

Seriously, man, go to Crystal, man.

I'll give you money, and you can buy yourself anything you want at Crystal.

You can buy yourself an ice cream cone.

No, I don't want Crystal.

I can't drive right now.

She's scratching her arm.

This is a white girl scratching her arm.

Oh, there we go.

There we go, Erica.

She's got to take a shower.

Take a shower, nasty woman.

Scratch her boobies and expose them a little bit.

Place a call.

Press 1.

Please enter your destination number, starting with the area code.

Hey, buddy, can you make the people turn off the guitar in the back, please?

Is there stuff on the back?

There's people talking loud.

loud. I'd like to make a conversation with you, but I can't when it's so loud. Okay,

I'll see what I can do. Can you ask them to be polite, gentlemen? Okay. You can do it

for me now while I wait. I don't understand what you're speaking about. I want you to

tell the people there to lower their voice so I can talk to you. Uh-huh. And I want to

explain my situation and my position, and I want to come to amicable terms. Okay. We're

speaking about other things. There's no one talking here. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Who's

There was a guy in the back that just said,

What was that?

Who's laughing?

I'm done talking to you.

Goodbye.

No.

Call back.

Will you go get me a Subway Sub?

He's a liar.

I need food, man.

You got to get me something to eat.

Hey, tough guy.

How about Wendy's?

I'm just talking to you.

I don't want to go out right now.

I'm not in the position to fucking drive.

Get some Taco Bell and get some nacho cheese chips.

We got to get something to eat, man.

Seriously, let's go out to...

Let's end the show and both go out, dude.

It's 1 o'clock in the morning.

Nothing's open.

Then where do I go?

I don't know.

We go to a delivery.

Come on.

Where do we go for food?

Will you go to Walmart?

We both just ride around the town drunk and high.

I'm not high.

I'm not drinking.

I don't do that.

How about let's go to 7-Eleven and get some of those burritos, man.

That's exactly what I call me when I'm in here.

Oh, the phone?

Oh, yeah, the G phone.

It's great.

It swings and it rolls and it does a whole bunch of stuff.

We're going home.

Good night, everybody.

Take us out of here.

Thank you.

I want to thank Tuck for being around.

Milkman for playing the guitar.

That's right.

I want to thank Zola.

What are you doing?

Zola was in here tonight.

That's right.

Zola, live tonight in the studios, in the offices, right there in Madhouse Central.

Also, Crazy Artie.

That's right.

Thought Wild Man Artie in there?

Yeah, man.

Man, what a show.

Hope you enjoyed that as much as we did.

But that's right.

We had Mr. Tuck.

We had Baz.

We had the whole crew in ST3.

Clay Nunu, Sir Lonesome Loser, the man of the numbers, the brain of the pack.

Thank God for the loser.

Everybody, hold your hands high for Lonesome Loser.

That's right.

And a lot of the friends here, Sir Nunu, our famous favorite wanker from England.

All our friends over there, Dino, Sidekick Chut, Jonna.

Oh my goodness

Here's the Grinch

Our buddies over there

We've got a hell of a bunch of friends over there

I'm hoping that you enjoy as much as we did

Because it's sure glad having you

But you know what?

We do this every week for you

That's right

The most interactive show that you can tune into right here

Bring your friends

Better yet, invite your enemies

Because they're all fun right here in the madhouse

But what we do without a fearless leader

The generalissimo of the madhouse

Hermano Carlito

Thank you so much, man

I had a great time

and you can't say too much more

thank you for that double d milk there

yeah whatever milkman thank you

you just make way too much noise you won't stop

coughing you won't stop sneezing

you should not have I try to tell you

don't do that stuff you're too young

it's bad for you it stunts your growth and makes your

sperm doesn't make your sperm good

it's bad for your lungs

no look at Tuck

Tuck has a mongoloid son now

Tuck has a mongoloid son

I want to thank Baz.

You showed up here.

Also, I didn't say anything.

Thanks a lot for nothing, Baz.

Jerk.

I'm kidding.

You're my friend, Baz.

I love you.

Already, seriously, we've got to come up with a plan.

We've got to find out.

All right.

Prevent Alzheimer's.

What I want to find out.

Let's find out.

Fucking stop.

Stop.

Jesus Christ.

Wendy's in Orlando.

I'll put my zip code in here.

I'm going to Wendy's.

You're going home.

I'm going with you.

No, you're not.

Here we go.

This is the ones.

I think.

I think. I think this is Result A. When are you going to go home then?

I'm not. I'm doing like Crazy Fucker said and staying here.

Yeah, yeah, we'll see about that.

We'll see how far that gets you. It's not going to get you anywhere in this house.

They're going to call the police on you. Plant a bunch of weed on you.

Oh yeah, this is all his. He brought it in with you. You're crazy. You came home with a six pack of beer too.

Alright, now I'm just looking at pictures of Wendy's burgers. This is not nice.

Where do you find locations at?

i'll put my zip code

fine let's give him a call this time answer hello mr wendy's mr black man

do you think they're being like held up they get to stick up

yeah because you hear the tape does someone get in a duct tape they're putting it around

their woman's mouth they're making special sauce right now quiet be quiet

I don't know what you're talking about.

It's supposed to go straight to that safe.

Uh-oh.

Someone's keeping the money.

You heard that?

They're not putting the money in the safe already.

Are you awesome?

I don't know.

We'll take all the money in the register and two McWendy's burgers.

I really wish she'd answer, you know.

I really want to ask her.

You know, if they're open until 2, might I go right now?

I'm going to drive through it.

I don't know.

I think they close at 1, man.

Where's Steak and Shake?

Far.

It's too far.

McDonald's?

It's too far, man.

There's a 24-hour McDonald's, but it's too far.

I ate McDonald's a lot.

I can go for another one of those McChicken.

You're going home.

No, I'm going with you, dude.

I'm going with you.

Let's just do the mics on this call for my cell phone and go down to Wendy's.

You want to do a show on the car?

Yeah.

You think we can pull that?

Milkman, you think that's possible?

Milkman.

Hell yeah, let's do it, man.

All right, let's try this.

I know it.

All right, here's what we're going to try.

You know the mobile shows are a possibility.

You know, I'm thinking about Dawn.

And when I make my trip here across the country, I might just put my laptop in the car, dude,

and, like, do check-ins with you, man, in different states.

Now the phone is busy over there.

I don't know if they're going to be open.

I'm not making a trip all the way out there if they're not.

Let me ask the one next door.

There's another one here in town in the general area.

Let me ask them if they know of the one in the general areas.

Let me ask them if they know if they're still open until 2.

Because, hell, yeah, dude, what we'll do is we'll do a show.

We'll get in the car, and we're going to drive to Wendy's and get food.

And they'll be able to hear us fat asses ordering?

Yeah, we'll do it.

Man, we'll just take a road trip, man, for sure.

And then the, shh.

Hello, is this?

Oh, fuck.

They said, hello, thanks, and that's all we got.

Damn it, man.

You don't got any open all night Wendy's?

We got open all night Wendy's?

Man, I know there's an open all night McDonald's there.

I passed a titty bar on the way.

All right, tell you what, Artie.

This is daring.

All right, let's go ahead, and we're going to call in the studio

for my cell phone right now i'm gonna call in the studio we're gonna go drive down the wendy's okay

and hopefully the call doesn't drop hopefully the call doesn't drop right okay right right right

okay check this out all right let's just everybody don't go anywhere we're gonna make this happen

we're gonna take a road trip are you ready all right cool we'll grab back it's gonna be cool

see this works out the field trip oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy should i bring my mic with me no

bring your phone with you and give me your cell phone number in a second why do i need my cell

Because I'm going to conference you.

No.

Asshole, we're doing a fucking show.

You can put it on speaker.

What?

No.

Oh, yeah, just in case.

Just, just, shh.

Milkman.

Milkman, someone confirm.

Yeah, I hear you.

Okay, good.

Yeah, I hear you.

Good, good, good.

We're going to head down to Wendy's.

Artie and I are not going to be able to hear Milkman or Tuck while we do this.

We got kicked off of Syndicate.

So, I'm not very happy about that.

So if you happen to be a cynic and listener and listening to this, let's make a show.

We're just going to play music instead of letting us do a funny show.

It's going to be funny here.

We're going to go.

We're already going to drive down the road.

One day, they had to go to the bathroom like a little baby.

I've got to wait on that.

Hang on.

Keep listening to this.

We're going to be broadcasting live in the car.

We're going to listen to them walk out the door and start the car up.

Mobile.

Right.

here in the madhouse

look at them

teddies

damn

they're black

vibes

just watching

fucking jerk

are you there

guys

okay

we're headed

now

which is what

sure

yeah

since you're

hitting

I don't know

how to use

the phone

who are you

in the phone

with

what's going

on

sit

so you

do what

what

why

yeah

it's a

crisis

fucking

asshole

guys

if you're

not

prankmaster

in a way

you're in

fucking

Florida

the door

here

it's cold

this is a

classic

All right, here we go, down the stairs.

I hope nothing happens to disconnect this show.

Hey, I'm saying scratch your titties, baby.

Steal a car, everybody.

All right, Bernie and Carlito are now on the side of the Madhouse Mobile.

Car Madhouse Mobile.

That's all, man.

Yes, that's what it is.

I'm in reverse.

You know what I want.

Don't mind them red lights there in your rear view mirror.

Just floor it.

Yeah, yeah, it may be quiet.

Yeah, yeah, we can hear you.

It's the security guard that got upset today.

Oh, you don't fuck around with the security guard.

You're going to get me pissed off.

I didn't hear you.

Yeah, but you always got to be loud.

You always got to make noise, right?

Yeah.

The Chevron station on the right-hand side.

Yeah, Chevron.

I helped make that gas, too, by the way.

There's a Chevron gas station, yes.

I'm sure they're going to figure out exactly where in Orlando we are.

Next, you're going to say, like, great names.

No, I'm not.

You are probably because you're a moron.

Steve Langford checking in.

That's right.

How much money are they spending on that?

You know, they could pay a bunch more money.

That news department.

A little more money.

you're coming back to right it's good i don't know let me hear i am driving 39 well no because

okay that's something that cops love messing with you i'm drinking tonight really drinking

you don't ever say that already you don't ever admit that you ever if a cop pulls you over you

don't know what weed is you don't know what it smells like and you don't let they don't have

a right to this car blow don't blow no you gotta blow that's a dope your license you blow if you

don't lesser crime i know you're drunk i mean you don't blow you're gonna lose your license

this anyway but don't in the other way or it's just a misdemeanor we gotta kill me you can kill

me all right the walmart is he in the awkward neighborhood we don't have a neighborhood we

have a neighborhood walmart here right exactly not the super walmart greens here in our right

hand side everybody he got lost supermarket no no that's where he gets his jewelry from oh yeah

lights one guy i'll yield to you right all right so we're almost at the wind he's got i hope they're

open at donald's i don't know exactly that's right man they got a bunch of them oh god i'm not gonna

go out of the way i'm too tired well hey there's holes or snookles here you got a staff you got a

manager and three staffs all right good it looks a lot i haven't restaurant four years look at that

so much of lazy bastards all right we're one of the mcdonald's you guys are going to be so

yeah i'm gonna give it to you but he doesn't have it i'm not gonna spartan it out on the air

no one's listening yeah no one's listening no no we'll put it on mute for a second you tell

no plan your number you're over here right as well i'm at home yeah i think the mcdonald's is

Hold on, let me, let me...

Did you just say 7-Eleven?

Good.

Alright, we'll get, we'll find something at 7-Eleven.

Burrito time.

Don't give him my...

I should do, I gotta keep quiet here.

Ah, here we are.

And it's 39.

Dude, keep talking, it's funnier.

I know, man.

I thought I had to hear more.

We're already, we're alive.

You know the one...

That'd be funny if we had the number, I'd call in right now and start fucking with him.

The man at the 7-Eleven counter has a 7-Eleven hat.

Dude, that hot dog's been out here for about four hours.

what's this

Italian sub

he just grabbed

every single sandwich

on the aisle

and put them in his arms

like a big baby

don't look now

look at the huge fat one

named Artie

just stole two sandwiches

those are titties

that'll do it

come on man

you're really

getting us in trouble here

what really is good

at 7-Eleven everybody

is the Cuban girl sandwich

then we'd have to get it grilled

of course

these big ass hoagies are

good

what long Italian sub

ok cool

no no no

sandwiches man

it makes you sick

Don't mind if I do.

7-Eleven has the seven select bag of chips stuff.

The brand, you hear about that?

Their own generic stuff.

Peanuts and chips and stuff.

Dude, you know you got to get up like in four hours, right?

That's what I was saying.

It does.

I'm home.

I thought, you know, what's wrong with you?

Carlito has a bag of chili cheese flavored corn chips and a footlong Italian sub.

Ham, pepperoni, salami, and provolone cheese.

What do you got?

I have a hoagie, an Italian sub, and the bottom is strawberry banana pudding.

And I'm thinking of getting an egg salad.

You know what? Maybe I should do the egg salad sandwich.

Well, did they have a chicken salad?

We'll check.

All right, so he's going to check to see if they have a chicken salad sandwich.

I'm going to get some kind of nuts.

I'm going to get some jerky.

Carlito, that guy's got a turban on.

That's the same guy that was in the 7-Eleven the night that I was there.

Eh, no sugar. Can't have it.

We've got a witness over here to do that.

No, we're going to get a...

Mikey remembers.

We can't get into it.

Hey, one other thing. I need a three here, everybody.

I've got a two or two. What else can I get?

Suggestions? I wish I could hear yes.

Yes.

Exit magazine?

No, no, thank you.

I'm fine with that.

I just can't have those.

Can't have those.

Being an diabetic really sucks.

The egg salad sandwich.

So this is two sandwiches, one a foot long, an egg sandwich.

Yeah, it looks really hot.

She's probably high.

And she's probably high.

And then we also got the chili cheese.

So you're being sarcastic.

Yeah.

Anyway, hang on.

Don't go anywhere anymore.

So, uh, can I grab this?

arty is taking all the money out of carlito's pockets that's what's

taking so long his order is so big now they've got one of those basket carts there from pueblos

and they're putting that around here the public's market doctor thank you is that

No problem with stamina.

He needs a KO.

Listen, I wonder if it'll go twice.

He done ate all of his funds up, Carlito.

That's why he's going through your wallet.

They have a card machine, everybody.

Yeah, because Artie's slow.

Number.

I'm looking at Artie's driver's license.

Let me see that again.

It looks like you're 15 in there.

No cash back.

I don't want to hold it, he says.

It's your thing.

Come on.

We've got to go.

We've got to wrap things up here.

There you go.

Yeah, you're going to get some Mountain Dew so you can wake up and leave.

Mayonnaise packets.

I bet you could.

I'm gonna go get mayonnaise. I mean so bad. Thank you. You too. Good one everybody. Yellow mustard, regular yellow mustard. And two hot dogs.

Nearbrook, get inside. If you're leaving, you're not staying. You can't spend.

That's the reverse. That's the reverse button.

Artie just hit it in reverse.

We'll die. The mental hospital.

Chimpanzee will come in the background here.

Man.

It's the old 80s and 90s hip hop stuff. Yeah. You know?

music bro before was you know you know what i'm really let down and i wanted to talk about this

on the show i really hope people can hear us normally uh i told arty hey you gotta try this

you go to you go to mcdonald's or wendy's you can make this with mcdonald's or wendy's

yeah you go to wendy's you get yourself the chicken sandwich the 99 cent uh i think it's

just called the chicken sandwich wendy's chicken whatever it is yeah and then you also get the

double cheeseburger together and believe me you try it you do the same thing mcdonald's you gave

The thing is, the McDonald's is spicy, right?

Because it's a spicy McChicken they got there.

So they kick it up.

You get yourself a bubble.

You know, the two beef packages.

You order the lettuce, bacon.

They're probably like, what the fuck is good?

Yeah, we were calling it the McDonald's.

You know, because, you know, surfing, you know, beef, and you have lobster, bird, and this.

The fish is the surf.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, wait a minute, though.

Here's an idea.

McDonald's, you buy chicken.

You make that.

Yeah.

Not the McDonald's.

All these places, the dollar menus.

Two dollar menus?

Yeah, add them together.

Now, they got to put that in the window.

Don't be stupid.

Don't say anything loud.

And then you have, like, extra bread.

That's to wipe your face off with afterwards.

The number of them.

One.

You get one per person.

To get into my car.

Why'd you lock them in?

You probably get hurt, and then you'd be happy.

Parks.

Wait a minute.

Can I just see?

I want a belt.

I should have worn a belt.

Oh, no.

Didn't make it.

When we get to 7-Eleven, we can base thing and get this thing.

We're sitting down right now in our chairs.

Excuse me.

I think it was the phone, stupid.

Hey, everybody.

Okay, we're back.

Was that audible?

Did you guys hear that?

Carlito, talk out of that sound.

Was that bad?

Yeah, I heard the whole thing.

Yeah, dude.

That was fantastic.

Awesome.

Well, cool.

I didn't know how that was going to work.

Unfortunately, we didn't make it to the Wendy's, man.

Pretty bummed out about that.

But I got myself some other goodies.

Okay, we're out of here.

It's late.

I got to be bedding.

We're not down to the part where Marty was trying to take off his booze bill.

Yeah.

Actually, I think my bill came out to more than his.

How much was yours, Artie?

I must tend something.

Got you there.

All right, everybody, have a good night.

Thank you for listening.

That's because you're smart enough to know that if you didn't buy extra,

that he'd start trying to go eat out of your cabinet.

Exactly.

Yeah, that's right.

When I hear artists coming, we threw everything out of the fridge.

We left nothing in there but healthy stuff.

Catch you here next week.

Thank you.

TuckerMike.com, Milkman.net, ManHouseLive.com.

Yes.

Have a good night, folks.

Thanks for listening.

We love you, Ivano.

Have your pencils ready.

Calls (21, 50 min of 2 h 41 min)

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