2009-03-12 Show

You're such an idiot to call a restaurant, man.

Seriously.

I know what you're doing, YouTube and all that bullshit.

Why don't you shove it up your ass?

How did he know about the YouTube?

Oh, my God.

First thing is, bud, you don't need to call here and curse, say curse words.

Curse words?

Yeah, you're cursing on the phone to me.

I didn't mean to, you know.

Okay.

I've had a long day.

I'm hungry.

Okay, you're a smart ass.

You know what?

You're a dick.

You called here, bud, with the attitude, so.

You know what?

but take the phone, hang it up, and then shove it up your ass, all right?

I'm 6'1", I got a pretty big cock.

Okay.

Oh, you like that?

Yeah.

What's up, you bunch of horse's asses?

What's going on?

Probably those who are finally, finally made it.

Hey, thank you for being so patient.

Madhouse.

Just like DTD said, DTD just said exactly what we are.

Madhouse.

Thank you for having us on, folks.

Thank you for being so patient.

We're fine-tuning some stuff here, some issues, some panic.

a lot of anger

I got mad at Milkman

I made up with Milkman

I got mad at Milkman again

Tuck started crying

and then

just like an episode

of Family Matters

it all worked out

in the end

thank you everybody

again

I am Carlito

I'm here of course

with the man himself

Milkman is in the house

Milkman the very

emotional Milkman

how you doing tonight

mister

right on

Tuck is here also

Tuck

Tuck is the

proprietor of

tuckermike.com

tuckermike

what's up

Mike

Tuck

Mike

Mike, talk, talk, talk.

How are you doing, my friend?

Hello.

Hello, hello.

What should I do when you're out?

Yeah, I was listening, yeah.

And, ooh, look at me on my camera now.

Finally got the cam on.

I think my microphone sounds like shit still.

Oh, you got the cam on.

Yeah, look at me on the mic.

There we go.

Well, let me know how the mic sounds.

It sounds like it's over-modulated, but it's not over-modulated, you know what I'm trying to say?

Like it's being clipped before it can pull your ears out.

Or it might just sound like shit.

Almost clipped, and it's closed.

Good, thanks, man.

man. Thanks for the good news. Nothing but good news

from the milkman. You ever find a sailor hat?

Maybe that's what it is. Maybe you need to put

on the sailor hat. No, I found the sailor hat.

No, that's been here. Sailor hat's right here,

man. Look at that. I never lose that one.

I want the good girl hat.

The sailor hat's here.

It's the madhouse hat is the one that you

designed. That's the one that's missing, that's gone.

Who knows what happened to it? I took it to work

one day and I lost it. Quote, unquote

missing. Probably got stolen by a Puerto

Rican or a Haitian at work. You know how they are, man.

Everything they see, the minute they see it,

taking it away i don't know what you're talking about sir you said not me crazy fucker i'm

puerto rican i can say it speaking of crazy fucker we got news about him too

no one said arty ate it he didn't take it no one didn't take it he said arty ate it

arty just made a huge mess arty man he ate he my god he ate three bags of fucking candy when he

was here and and still i can look over and i get so angry every every morning i get up and i come

I'm in here to check my e-mail before I go get on the treadmill and take a shower.

And that asshole.

Little brown spots on the carpet.

I saw that picture, man.

That was nasty, man.

Fucking prick that guy.

I don't ever want to hear him.

I don't ever want him here again.

Son of an ass.

I think he had a leaky ass gasket, too, before he left.

Prick-ass jerk is what he is.

A lot of people out there tonight.

Thank you so much.

Milkman, of course, is out there.

Of course, Tuck is out there as well.

Hollywood Vanya.

Hollywood Vagina checking in.

Good to see you, man.

How you doing, my friend?

Hey, welcome back.

Nunu is checking in here as well.

Nunu, big guy.

What's going on there?

DTT in the house.

We're Nunu of Wanker Shire, England.

MST3 Clay, the white guy who loves the funky chimes.

He's in the house as well.

What's going on there?

Yeah.

You want to reach me here tonight?

You can on AOL and Yahoo Instant Messenger.

Madhouse Radio.

Again, Madhouse Radio if you are using AOL and a Yahoo Instant Messenger.

messenger if you're using ms don't forget the free cds at hollywood and the pranks.com

that's right hollywood does have uh free cds doesn't he yes he's got a few of them i think

oh there we go this sounds better now the mic sounds more now the mic sounds more normal

let me know when a syndicate is holding here that's right yeah let me know if i still got

ones over there in syndicate please let me know uh speaking of syndicate what's going on syndicate

Ticketradio.tv, Zolar's in the house.

Zolar, I cracked up listening to Gary calling into Stern once again.

I think Zolar just calls him every Friday as Andrea, Miss Howard Stern,

and says that she's tied up in the bathroom getting whipped or something like that.

And every time he calls Howard, he says,

Yeah, do you know Zolar's beating up Andrea?

Has her tied up to the toilet or something?

I'm like, oh, my God.

And Artie loves it.

Artie loves it when they do that.

Oh man, so he's convinced that Ms. Howard Stern tied up in a bathroom somewhere for the last year or something.

And the guy keeps calling in.

And a lot of people there, John Rico is in the house.

Senor Pedro, Don Pedro, what's going on?

Big what's up to Don Pedro, que pasa, que laque, hermano, carajo, mierda, and donde es leche?

Disturbed DDD.

I saw Dino running around there like a little monkey a second ago.

he's not there any longer but a lot of big fat ass pig ass bitch ass son of a bitch outlaw

is in there also that big fat fuck that son of a bitch i wish i had a picture i wish i had him

right here right in front of me right now grab him son of a bitch matter of fact i'm not going

to mention a pig outlaw any longer for the rest of the night yeah anyway anyway we got a lot of

stuff to talk about tonight we got a lot of prank calls you let's see what's going on let's see

what's to do. Actually, there's no Lonesome

Loser. I just noticed. I just

realized no Lonesome Loser. Now, that's not

good. What are you

clapping, guys?

No Lonesome Loser, we got problems.

No need to panic,

folks, because we have more numbers. We got other

stuff we can do. Don't worry about that, guys.

That's fine. We've

got plenty of resources

here. We got years and years of logs

of numbers from Lonesome Loser. Of course,

Nunu's out there too. He gets numbers

too. If you have your prank calls you want us to do,

go over to our main website. That's

madhouselive.com. Once again, madhouselive.com.

Head over there. Send me

an email. We'll use

our form. Anyway, the email's to me automatically

and it'll have your prank call request free

of charge so we don't charge you for that junk.

We're not like that here. You can also just

send them to me. You can also call in toll-free.

Milkman, what is that toll-free line that'll be open in a few

moments? That's right. You can call

Call right into the show tonight in the Madhouse 98.6 on 888-278-8509.

888-278-8509.

That's right.

I hope you guys got that right.

It's 96.8.

Very smart.

98.6.

No.

Good work, Milkman.

98.6.

The mouth is a station.

I had some ideas of prank calls that I wanted to do at Starbucks.

It's been a while since we've actually prank called Starbucks, and I have an idea.

I don't want to spoil it so I'm just going to hold on to it

because it seems like whenever I start

saying oh I've got an idea to do this and to do that

and it sounds like shit

and it never comes out right, never comes out like I want it to be

so we're not going to go that route

let me just work on it on my own

I wanted to mention all of you who have been

a lot of our listeners have mentioned to me

hey, grandcentral.com

that's what I use for our spoof

caller ID going out

you get a free number from Google

you can pick the area code

It gives you a free number, and you can have it forward to any and all numbers that you want to.

And you set up your own voicemail in it.

Anyway, Google closed off new invites to it over a year ago,

so it's been kind of hard to come across those unless you were an early adopter.

Well, GrandCentral.com announced, well, rather, Google announced today

that they're going to be reopening up.

They're changing it to Google Voice.

So all you prank call fans out there, if you want to have, you know,

Pick a funny number out there to use when you spoof your prank calls,

when you call out, when you want to spoof your caller ID.

Here's a chance for you to get a free phone number for people to call you back

and leave a voicemail thinking that it's you, but it's not.

It helps anonymize you.

Head on over to GrandCentral.com and sign up,

because apparently any day now, within the next few weeks, if not sooner,

they're going to be opening up again for new numbers to be given out.

So, like I said, free phone numbers.

any if if you like what we do here you know the process where we we prank call somebody and when

they call back the number on the caller id just goes to the voicemail of me talking i'm jack

valente please leave a message well that's how i do it get yourself a grand central number when

it's available put yourself on a waiting list right now zolar that's you you mentioned to me

i know a reclute out there who's listening he's been mentioning he's been dying chomping at the

bit to get a hold of one of those accounts uh now's the chance if i get any invites i will

We'll definitely hook anybody up who wants one.

So I will let the word be known over the forums on my website

or here in the show or something like that.

And, of course, speaking of Zola,

he will be on tomorrow night at 9 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

That's Zola, our party nation, 9 p.m. Eastern,

every Friday here only on syndicate radio.transvestite.

We've got some prime call requests also that have come through via e-mail.

We can get to those as well.

I'm in the process of locating and opening the Lonesome Logger.

It just takes a long time.

It's a lot of data.

You've got to imagine, he's been sending me numbers since 2005.

It's 2009 now, and I've got just about every single number that he's sent.

And I'm talking, he's been sending them every night.

Every night that we do a show, he sends a lot of them.

And they're all good.

Okay, here we go.

Lonesome Log is open, so we've got plenty of bank here to pick from.

If you guys want to send me an idea, like a type of restaurant or a type of store

or a funny name or a funny place to call, we can definitely do that.

We've got numbers in Italy here.

I think we have an international card good to go also, so that's good news.

We might be able to do some international pranking tonight.

G.I. Joe's Rack and Rig.

Wow, that one's from 2005.

The Happy Birthday Man Inn.

The Iraqi Tamarichi Inn.

Wow, this is Mr. Bojangles, the Junction Pub.

We've got the Cracker Barrel Food Store here also.

I'm going to call Indians.

Indians are always fun.

I'm going to search for India here, see what we can find.

Tuck, Milkman, you stop me when you hear something you think might be good to prank call.

Himalayan Cuisine.

No, India.

We've got the India Palace in Santa Fe.

Santa Fe, New Mexico.

That's a...

Call that one.

And we've got the Kebab and Curries in Santa Clara, California.

Let's call them Kebab and Curries.

I hope they are Indian.

Santa Clara will be open, man.

Santa Clara will be open.

That's right.

It's only 7.42 p.m. there.

Good man.

Look at you, Milkman, using your brain and stuff.

Milkman, what about...

Milkman, you've got a new car and we never talked about it.

What's up with your new car, man?

Dude, man, it's awesome.

I love it.

I've got a Mercedes Madhouse Mobile, man.

Man, this thing is...

You got like an SUV or something, right?

Wasn't it?

Yeah, it's the Mercedes Madhouse Mobile, man.

Good deal.

You ought to see it, man.

It's got leather seats in it.

It reclines just like the Jack Matheson model, you know, the way the seats are designed.

Okay, cool.

So I have a new car.

Then Milkman got a new car.

Talk to you next.

Yeah, no problem.

Good boy.

What's your way it's going to be?

You're probably going to get something like a Prius.

You're looking like a Prius guy.

John Deere.

It'll be a John Deere.

Hello, is this the Kebab Palace place?

Yes.

Oh, that's good.

I'm so happy you guys are still open.

I was last there like in 2006, 2005.

Had a great time.

Had some great kebabs.

Yeah.

Do you have any tandoori chicken there also?

Do you have any of that kind of stuff?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We have some orders.

That's beautiful.

How about we take some orders over here?

Yeah, you ready over there, guy?

Yeah.

What do you need?

You want to come here and eat or you want to take houses?

No.

It's up to you.

Hi, well, you know, how many germs do you have there?

Where's one?

Do you have a lot of germs?

Germs?

Germs, germs.

Hold on, hold on.

Okay.

All right, then.

Put the head immigrant on the phone now.

Head immigrant in charge.

Hello?

Yes, hi, this is the head immigrant.

Hi, can I help you?

Yeah, hi, I wanted to make an order, but I was asking the gentleman about the germs.

Germs?

Yeah, are there any germs over there?

He was asking if I wanted to come in.

I was asking if there were any germs.

I hope it was, like, relatively clean.

Who do you want to talk to?

I want to make an order.

I don't know why I'm talking to you.

Who's this?

We don't have...

So you could order, yeah, go ahead.

All right, you ready?

Yeah.

All right, can I...

You have tandoori chicken there?

Yeah.

All right, give me two orders of, like, you know,

two meals of tandoori chicken, please.

Leg or breast?

Yeah, the second one.

Breast?

Ref.

You want the chicken breast, okay?

I want ref.

Huh?

Ref, ref.

Two breasts, okay?

Ref, ref.

What else do you want?

Okay, and do you have any papadums?

No, we don't have that.

You don't do that?

What about lawn bread?

Lawn bread, yeah.

Okay, give me some lawn bread.

How many you want?

Just one.

One lawn.

What is that?

Is the lawn big?

How big is the lawn?

Lawn is enough for one.

No, lawn, lawn.

How long is the lawn?

Lawn?

Lawn.

L-A-N, lawn.

Lawn bread.

Lawn bread, right?

Lawn with an L.

Lawn or lamb?

L like Larry.

L-A, how do you spell it?

L-A-N.

Lima, Alpha, November.

You don't have lawn bread?

No.

You have any bread like that?

No.

Okay, what about...

that. We have naan bread with, you know, the flour. Okay. Yeah, let me try that. All right.

Okay, fine. And then my brother said he wanted to get something else. It's, let me see here.

What do you want? Ban chud. Huh? My brother said he wanted me to order him a order of

ban chud. He went to get the car wash, so he said to, left me a piece of paper. It said

ban chud and naan bread. Ban chud? Ban chud. What is that? Bhenchod, ban chud. I don't

I don't know. He said to order it.

That's not nothing. That's nothing, actually.

There's no banjood? Can you please give me the banjood or put me through to someone who has a banjood, please?

No, no, no. There is no food like that, the banjood.

No, no. I have it written down here specifically, B-A-H-N-C-H-O-D, banjood.

And he said to order it, that it came with a milky sauce, to order it, that it was good.

It came like, not fried, but kind of baked in the oven, 375 degrees for 35 minutes.

You turn it over, you slice it long-wise, and you bake it for another 15 minutes.

You know what it's made by? You know what it's made by?

It's made by motherfuckers. That's who it's made by, you super son of a bitch.

Motherfuckers. That's what.

Why are you cussing?

Because you're pissing me off. You're refusing me service.

I know, okay.

About you comes from motherfuckers, is what I, you know.

Hold on, hold on.

Motherfucker.

Hello? Who is this now?

Anish, who is this?

Is Mr. Patel there?

Who?

Mr. Patel.

No, sir. You got the wrong number.

Oh, okay. Well, no. Is this where you make the order?

Because I was trying to make an order.

Put me through to someone else who might know.

I'm trying to make an order for what my brother here said.

This gentleman is arguing with me because I think there's a language barrier.

Okay, go ahead.

He speaks fine English, but go ahead.

I don't think so.

He doesn't understand what I'm saying.

I need an order of ban chud.

Yes, I need an order of ban chud, please.

Such an idiot to call a restaurant, man.

Seriously.

I know what you do on YouTube and all that bullshit.

Why don't you shove it up your ass?

How did he know about the YouTube?

Oh, my God.

He knows what I'm doing.

You are the fat Puerto Rican that prank calls us.

We must be in the newsletter.

You put it on YouTube, you fucker.

I got query coming out my asshole.

I told you to stick this around here.

Yes, that's right.

We'll be on YouTube next, everybody.

Smart guy.

Let's call him back and commend him on Checkmate.

You better apologize to me, sir.

You had better apologize to me because I'm going to speak.

You call me one more time, you'll see cops on you.

You know what?

I already called the police for making you call me a bad word on the phone.

and I'm going to call the police on you, sir.

Bastard.

Let's see who's going to not call who.

Sounds like a challenge to me.

I accept the challenge.

Somebody told somebody else.

Tactical.

I'm going to sue you.

I'm going to sue you so hard, sir.

When I come down on the lawsuit that I'm going to put on you,

you're going to have to close your business down

and I'm going to make you give me a public apology

in the local newspaper.

You're going to have to print it for everybody to see

that you treated me bad, number one.

Number two, you are racist.

Number three, you refuse me service because of my ethnicity and because I'm diabetic.

You're done?

No.

On top of that, bon shoot.

You done now?

Now I'm done.

He's just not biting.

But he knows about me on YouTube.

Let's find some angrier Indians here.

Here's a 7-Eleven where an Indian guy works.

You know the one?

This one's in Inglewood, California.

Inglewood, always up to no good.

That was hilarious.

Apparently that 7-Eleven is now out of business.

this i wanted to mention on the howard stern show today they had a great failure when it came to the

mexican delivery man game or whatever it is that they call it and uh to be honest with you i've

quite expected that number one not only is the economy bad and no mexican out of their right

mind is going to turn down 50 to 100 bucks just for a few seconds of getting to touch a woman i

understand it's like a trip to the strip club i don't understand but on top of that it makes

no sense they you get you get them you get a mexican guy there to deliver the food and howard

stern says i'm going to give you a 50 tip or you get to spend three minutes with this girl over

here and you're not really going to have sex with her but you get to hug her and kiss her

and grab her boobs for two minutes three minutes or something like that i think i'm going to go

ahead and get the 50 bucks especially if i'm a mexican is really busting his ass and you're

offering a big tip and then what doesn't make any sense is like you know in the past like the

The Mexican guy will say, okay, yeah, I'll go for the woman.

And then Howard will go, well, I'll tell you what, I'll give you $100 or you can go with the woman.

It makes no sense.

There's no incentive for the guy really to not take the money.

Finally failed.

They have to do it in reverse, I think, is what they're supposed to do, is do it in reverse.

But no.

But no, they don't listen.

Milkman, open line, guests calling in.

Who's calling in, Milkman?

Who's your guest?

Hey, man, it's our good buddy, man.

You know, hey, man, the glow wall.

DJ Glow, I'm calling in already.

haven't talked to him in a while. Kick ass, kick ass. A lot of people blinking away here

on the AOL Instant Messenger and the Yahoo Messengers. Nunu says he sent me a number

in chat. Thank you for sending a number in chat, Nunu. I will retrieve a number in chat

and make a call with them. Crazy Heretic corrects me. Bhenchod is sister fucker. Marachud is

motherfucker. Thank you, Crazy Heretic, for reminding me. The real Zohar. Not the fake

Zohar, mind you. The real Zohar. Actually, the line is turned off right now. Good point.

Let me fix that up here.

Glowworm, give me three seconds here.

Let me do that now, as a matter of fact.

Let's play this out.

I'll open up the line for DJ Glowworm.

In the meantime, Zolar send a number for someone who's moving or something like that.

Moving somewhere or something.

Hey, he's selling Monopoly money.

Selling Monopoly money.

I saw once that someone had paid a lot of money for Monopoly money.

Like, it was, like, from, like, one of the original Monopoly sets.

Like, the first print of Monopoly, the game.

and the cash is selling for like five times

like the value that was printed on it

or something like that.

Like a $20, you know,

one of the $20 bills for the Monopoly game

was going for $100 US or something.

I was like, are you kidding me?

Were they even in color in the original game?

I don't even know.

I don't know.

I don't think so.

I don't think they would be.

I don't think they really did color paper back then.

It must have been really expensive.

Unlike now.

Not that long.

I don't think so.

That long ago, yeah.

That game's old, isn't it?

Isn't it like 100 years old or something?

How old is Monopoly?

It's got to be like 75 years old.

Man, how's radio here?

What's up, man?

What's going on, brother?

Man, how you doing, man?

I'm doing awesome.

I'm not bad.

A little bit of technical issues, but it wouldn't be a show without technical issues or Milkman mumbling.

That's true.

That's right, man.

That's right.

Any developments on the prank call front?

You been doing any prank calls lately?

I took a break, dude.

I took a break.

I mean, every now and then I get drunk and call people.

You just got out of jail.

Yeah.

That's about it.

You get drunk and call people.

That's cool.

Do you ever try a cough syrup?

Do you ever try that?

Codeine kind of stuff?

What do you do?

You just drink, right?

You don't do anything else.

Syrup.

Lean.

You're talking about like syrup and stuff?

Scissor, syrup, the purple drink.

Yeah, actually, I kind of did some of that a little while ago.

Holy crap, really?

Does it just slow you down?

I mean, what's the deal with it?

Yeah.

It's like really...

If I lay down right now, I'd probably fall asleep.

Okay, cool.

So I just try to stay up.

Cool.

To be honest with you, I get kind of secretly happy when I do get sick because that means

I get to take NyQuil

And I always take like

Three or four times

The doses you're supposed to take

Just so it knocks me out

But damn I don't

I wake up

Not remembering that night

And not suffering

Unless I get the sleep

I need you know

Yeah

Yeah man

You want to do some prank calls

Sure man

Mr. I'm on a break

I'm on vacation

I'm retired

I haven't done any calls

In a while

We'll tell you what

Give me a type of restaurant

Or a type of business

And I'll see what we got here

Because I got a whole bank

Of numbers from the past

Blasts from the past

I mean you can pick

I got Russian restaurants here

even right now.

Call whatever, man.

Just give me something good.

All right.

We're going to call

Katnian.

Let's call a Russian restaurant

right now, huh?

Okay.

Let's see what Russia

has to offer us tonight.

What kind of sport...

Are you an NBA man at all

or what's your deal?

Anything?

I like women's volleyball.

Okay, cool.

Cool.

So the Olympics

must be very big for you then.

Yeah, I love the Olympics.

All right, cool.

I just like seeing women, period.

Okay, nothing wrong with that.

Half naked on TV.

Good.

Good deal?

No pay-per-view pay.

It's great.

Okay, we got the...

and I lost it already, this is

Cadia's Russian

restaurant. I'm sorry, Cadia's Russian

tea room and restaurant. This is in San Francisco,

California, one of the most liberal cities

in the world, well, in the country at least.

The most liberal, if not outside of

Hawaii. Cadia's

Russian tea room. You ready? Yeah.

Hell yeah, me too. Alright, let's do that.

Where's my music at? Hang on. Oh, shit.

I'm already screwing it up, Milkman. Milkman says to be

ready with the music. Could you play it, please?

Perhaps you will breathe a million feet

of film that's been taken above

of Mexico City and various other issues.

Good evening, Katya.

Okay.

Well, yeah, how you doing, baby?

Question.

What kind of food y'all got over there?

Oh, man, I'm kind of busy right now.

Busy?

What was that about?

Jesus, that wasn't a real Russian anyway.

It was like an effeminate white guy.

He was, he was, that was a douche.

Yeah, that was a douche.

He was a douche.

You hear him answer the phone all like, whoa.

Huh.

Whoa.

I'm kind of busy right now.

Katya, there's a restaurant.

To place a call, press the please enter your Georgia Russian number, starting with the

area code, followed by the pound sign.

I just want to say something.

Hello?

How you doing tonight, sir?

Hello?

Yes.

Yeah.

What kind of food do you have down there?

Georgian and Russian.

You have what?

You have Russian food?

Yes, sir.

Hey, look, I'm going to give you the skinny.

Me and my wife, we're celebrating our 60th anniversary tomorrow, and I want to come in.

I want to buy out the whole restaurant for my wife for her anniversary gift.

You want to what?

I want to buy out your whole entire restaurant.

I want everything in there.

I want the people and everything.

And I'm actually going to have it transported to my backyard.

How much would that be?

Tomorrow and we will talk about this.

No, we can talk business right now.

No, I'm not prepared for this.

You're not prepared for what?

Money.

You like being broke?

not selling.

Okay.

Oh, for a quarter?

I'll give you 50 cents.

Very good.

Okay.

I have a question.

You don't have any questions.

Goodbye.

Yes, I do, damn it.

What the fuck is in your ass, huh?

Because in your ass, you tell him, man.

You should have told him it was a hostile takeover.

I couldn't say that.

That would have been great.

Oh, man.

This is like...

All right, let me think here.

Here, what else can we call?

What kind of restaurants?

We've done Russian.

We've done Indian.

What's kind of Thai?

What about Thailand?

Oh, shit.

Let's check out restaurants here.

Yum Yum Thai Takeaway.

Thai beer and restaurant.

Do it up.

All right.

The Thai beer and restaurant there in Salem, Oregon.

An Asian woman answered there at 11.25 p.m. in March of 2007.

Wow.

Okay, almost two.

Oh, you know what?

Yeah, look at that.

You know what?

Two days to do it.

I definitely want to do a show again.

You should.

I should.

Slack it.

it's like it man get on our network man and we'll you know we'll you got a place to do it if you

want to do you let me know and i'll make it happen you know what i mean all right okay ready for the

restaurant yeah give it to me the next one after this i'm gonna burn you out my friend we got a

request here from mr pedro lancaster how can i help you yeah how you doing man good hello can i

get your name please i'm sorry i get your name this is this is tybeer lancaster i i know i'm

quite aware of that but can i get your name please um did you want it to go order uh yeah

Yeah, I do. As a matter of fact, I do want a to-go order.

Name. I would feel a lot more comfortable knowing what your name was.

Jason.

Jason, prepare my food. That way I won't feel like I have strangers fucking with my food.

Bud, you don't need to call here and say curse words?

Curse words?

Yeah, you're cursing on the phone to me.

It's a long day. I'm hungry.

Do you want to pick up a to-go order, or what do you want to do?

Can you read me your menu? Or like the specials or something?

We've got like 90 different dishes, Bud.

I want all of them

Okay, you're a smartass

You know what, you're a dick

You know what, you know what

Phone, hang it up and then shove it up your ass

Place a call

To listen to your recording

That's about time we got someone really riled up around here

Geez, everyone's all mellow

What's in the fucking water around this country, man?

I'm the person to do it, I can be a dick

Yeah, fuck

He goes, what, motherfucker

What are you swearing at me?

You're talking like that.

You left me out of your mind.

Motherfucker.

All right.

I got a bodega in the Bronx that's run by Pakis.

Pakistanis is maybe a nicer way to say it.

Is it bad to say Pakis?

Is that like saying the N-word?

Do you know Glow Worm or Milkman or anybody else?

I don't know.

What, Pakis?

Yeah, Pakis is not a bad word.

No, man, I have a friend.

He's actually from Pakistan.

It was like two years ago.

We call him Alpaki.

He doesn't care, right?

They don't mind it.

No, he don't give a shit.

Cool.

I'm going to call him and ask about that.

Now, what's the little kid voice that you do that cracks me up so much when we do the call?

Which one?

There's a little kid who did a roundhouse kick and beat up the girl.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I don't know.

You do a little kid voice.

It's pretty funny.

I don't remember.

I could probably pull out my ass out of nowhere.

All right.

Well, we'll try it.

I'm going to call, and I'm the father, and you went down to the bodega

and got something that made you sick or did something.

I'll run with it.

But, yeah, try to join in.

We'll figure it out, all right?

Okay.

All right.

We'll do it.

Mr. Rurak says it's like calling Spanish people spick.

You know what, Mr. Rurak?

I don't appreciate you using the S word in the chat room.

This is my show, and I am Hispanic.

I'm a Latin American, and DJ Glowworm's girlfriend and soon-to-be fiancée is Mexican.

So we don't appreciate that.

No, she's not?

No, she's not Mexican.

Oh, okay.

Well, she's Hispanic.

I'm engaged to a whole different girl now.

Oh, you are?

She's of the Caucasian persuasion.

Oh, really?

From the Caucasus Mountains?

Yeah, and I have two kids.

No kidding.

Well, congratulations, man.

Good on you, bro.

No, don't say that.

You don't say that

No

Don't

No

You don't even understand

How bad things got

Once I did that

It's a curse

Well it's not bad

You gotta be happy

You got a kid

Hell no

She uses that little term

Let

My parents use the word let

Let

Yeah like I shouldn't

Let you go

No kidding really

Like it's bullshit

Wow

I know

Well hey man

No congratulations

Just say I feel bad for you

Show me some sympathy

Alright well

My sympathies man

Well hopefully

Something hopefully

I get it

I know

Hopefully one of them

you know, becomes an awesome golf player like Tiger Woods,

and you'll be good to go, all right?

Don't worry about it.

Yeah, they are a stripper.

I don't care.

There you go.

Whatever it is, as long as they make that cheddar.

You get money.

There you go.

All right.

And they cut the grass for you by the time they're 10.

Put them to work.

Yeah.

All right.

I'll be right back with that.

With scissors.

Scissors.

I'm sorry.

The number you have reached.

Bad number, Pedro.

Bad number.

Work on that.

Pedro's double-checking that.

You broke it.

You broke it, you Mexican.

You spick.

Thank you.

I'm going to lie to say it.

I am one.

All righty then.

All right, so what can we do here?

Let's see.

Let me think of something.

The world's an open oyster.

You know who we haven't called in a long time is a Walmart.

I don't think we've ever called a Kmart on this show, for God's sake.

What about Dominicans?

We've got to have something Dominican here.

Let's see.

Dominican.

Nothing.

I don't have any Dominicans up in here.

No kidding.

How about Haitian?

Call some black people.

African.

All right, we'll do that.

African.

Here we go.

That shit's always fun, man.

Africana Soul Food Restaurant in Jamaica, New York.

Jamaica, Queens.

We've got to call that.

Hang on.

All right, here we go.

The Africana Soul Food Restaurant in Jamaica, Queens.

They're on Liberty Avenue.

A black woman answered there.

Big surprise.

Let's try that.

Senor Pedro confirming his number was a piece of shit.

Thank you, Senor Pedro.

No worries.

Don't worry about him, old man.

It happens.

Happens to the best of us.

Hello.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Damn, Africa's never working.

What time is it over there?

11 p.m.

That's probably why.

Let's see what else we got in Africa.

I thought it said a hacked answer machine.

Oh, true.

True.

Here we go.

We've got Monroe's Cafe, Cajun, Creole, African, and Jamaican food in California.

They've got to answer there.

It's still early.

It's only 8 o'clock over there.

They're in La Mesa.

Monroe's Cafe.

Ready?

Here we go.

We're sorry.

You have reached a number that you can disconnect.

Typical African hasn't paid the phone bill.

All right.

Well, that's that.

Let's see what else we've got here.

Oh, man.

Bomb, bomb, bomb night.

What we need is a Lonesome Loser around here.

That sucks.

No Africa.

Let's try Jungle.

There's got to be something here that's going to hit.

No, no Jungle either.

Find All.

I don't know, jungle.

Congo, no, that wouldn't be there.

Is that any Hawaiian numbers, dude?

Hawaiian numbers.

We call it Jamaica.

Let's see what we've got in Jamaica numbers here.

Mama Jamaica's Cafe, Joe Universal Jamaican Restaurant in Los Angeles on Rodeo Road.

Let's try that.

Joe Universal Jamaican Restaurant.

Okay.

All right, they're on Rodeo.

Where's that at, Milkman?

Isn't that over there where all the gays hang out in front of the B&B?

Dude, that's right next to Hollywood.

No, Hollywood.

That's right next to Hollywood, man.

Rodeo Drive, man.

All right, good deal.

Awesome, let's do it.

That's where all the prostitutes are.

That's where Eddie Murphy got busted for trying to solicit a transvestite

and no one ever wants to talk about it.

Like it never happened.

Well, I forget, but I don't forget.

This one's got to hit, man.

This has got to be a hit.

I'll look up some numbers right here in town, dude.

Hold on.

Jeez, man, this is horrible.

Okay, we've got Victor Malakis.

Just confirmed.

This is from Nunu.

He's been sending in numbers.

We haven't been paying attention.

Malakis is a curse word in Greek.

He's got a big thing about Malaka now.

now. Uh, let's see, an angry old guy answered. Uh, oh, no kidding, okay, let's see, we got

an angry old guy, Kimberly Liner, Kimberly S. Liner, in, uh, Illinois. An angry old guy

answered, not sure if it was Kimberly's number because she lives alone, but if it is, she

has been dumping adult diapers near a lake and throwing them out of her car. What? Where'd

you get that from? Oh, good God. Good, are you for real? Take your sources, Noonan, where'd

you get that from is that from the post i mean is that a legitimate is that the inquirer okay

so apparently this lady kimberly has been has been caught dumping adult diapers near a lake

and throwing them out of her car what is wrong this is you know uh dude glow when this cycle

people out there that they're so paranoid they won't shit in their own toilet because i think

people are looking at it going through it really oh god there's crazy people oh heck yeah man

yeah that's crazy all right i gotta give her a call i'll give the angry guy a call

Kimberly Liner

man

to use an adult diaper too

I really hope

is it an old lady

that'd be funny

was this some old lady

who was doing it

but I got a feeling

it's not an old lady

I think it's like a

probably like a lady

in her 40s

or something like that

just going through

some kind of midlife crisis

crazy woman

alright

you wanna try that

yeah let's do it

here we go man

Milkman sending in numbers also

thank you Milkman

everyone else stand by

Zola's sending in a number

hello

Kimberly please

what

speak to Kimberly

You've got the wrong number, mister.

Who is this?

Who in the hell wants to know?

Me, bitch.

Who else is asking you?

You've got the wrong number.

You know what?

You've got the wrong fucking attitude.

I'm going to call him right back.

Fuck that guy.

Oh, dick.

The fucks you think he is?

Being all Mr. Boss Hog on the phone and shit.

Yeah, Boss Hog.

Who are you to ask me, motherfucker?

All right, we got to go.

Before we do that.

Place a call.

Press 1.

Oh, fuck it.

Let's call her back first.

Listen to your recording.

Please enter your destination.

Now, please enter the number you wish to display on caller ID.

Your normal voice.

Press 1.

Use your normal voice.

Press 2.

The spoof number.

Short.

That wasn't nice, man.

Why you do that to me?

Again?

That wasn't very nice.

Why you gonna hang up on me?

I thought we was cool.

You got a little bit.

The arty hang up over there.

All right.

What a prick, that guy.

Oh, geez.

Don't you hate it?

You know, sometimes it's just an accident.

but here's a story. A North Arizona woman

is accused of dumping used diapers

has been charged with criminal

littering. To place a call

1. According to the Yavapai

County Sheriff's Office, Kimberly Liner

43 admitted to a deputy that she

occasionally littered Lake Montezuma

area roadways with bags of adult

diapers over the past few months.

Ugh.

D'Evelyn says Liner lives with a

disability explained as she threw out the

bags of diapers because the trash containers

where she lives were always full. She always

Always claimed there were times it was difficult to walk to the dumpster.

It was easier to toss the bags from her car while driving.

That's horrible.

Her hope was that public road crews would pick up the bags and dispose of them properly.

Yeah, so you want them to throw away your shit bags for you.

Oh, that's beautiful.

I'm sure they can't wait to get to that stretch of road

where you're a nasty-ass case throwing out your used shit diapers out the window.

That's horrible.

Why would she do that?

Due to the concern regarding her living conditions,

they contacted Adult Protective Services for follow-up.

They're probably Baker after the woman.

Wow.

Wow, she signed a summons for a pending court date regarding a criminal littering charge.

So that's what you get, everybody out there, if you end up having to shit in diapers, please do not throw it out the window.

True story, when I was about 16 years old, a septic tank in my parents' house broke down for three days,

and I had to shit in garbage bags for two of those days.

And it was quite humiliating, but I had a big backyard and no one could see,

but literally I had to shit in a garbage bag, I had to do it twice.

I saw shit in a garbage bag, and I wound up the garbage bag, and I threw it deep into the woods.

And then about two weeks later, they came to build a house in the woods,

and I noticed that where they were cutting down trees and stuff with the machine,

there was this big white garbage bag that had been sitting there for a month,

and it had like a, you know, Carlito turd in it.

And I was freaked out that they were going to find out it was me and stuff.

My dad was like, you know, stop being a fag, and they're not going to find out.

He would always call me rude stuff.

He was always, like, calling me gay.

Not like that, but just calling me an asshole.

All right, just confirmed that Indian courage.

He would always call me a pendejo and stuff like that,

or he'd send me to stop being a maricón, stop being a fag.

All right, so, Milkman, do you want to stay on the line?

You got time still, man?

I was going to do a prank call and let you take a break,

and then you can do another one, whatever you're feeling, Glow Worms.

Yeah, Glow Worm, man.

I'm all right, I'm balanced, and I'm about to get ready to go.

Okay, you get ready to go.

You have yourself a good weekend.

All right, man.

Hey, thanks for being on, and don't be a stranger.

Let me know about that show.

If you ever want to do one, you've got a place to do it over here, okay?

Sure, man.

All right, brother, man.

See you, man.

All right, no problem.

That's D.J. Glowman, man.

He's a special guest, manhouse, I call him a member, he's a VIP.

Old friend of the show.

Milkman, where's the microphone?

How close is your mouth to the microphone when you're talking?

Tell me, right now.

Well, I didn't want to be too loud.

Oh, didn't want to be too loud.

Didn't want to be too loud, exactly.

All right, so what's this, the Ebisu?

Yeah, I got a condenser, Mike, and it's directional.

Yeah, oh, I'm sure you got a condenser, Mike.

Yeah, I do two restaurants in the Fountain Valley.

Condenser mierda is what you got.

I do, man.

Condenser mierda is what you have.

That's what my mom would say.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Mierda.

Yeah.

And I just confirmed a curry restaurant coming up next, too.

I'm going to start confirming right here, man.

Good for you, white man.

And we're going to call the Ibizu Restaurant in Fountain Valley, California,

where a girl answered and confirmed.

Thank you, Milkman, for that.

She's such an agent.

the only woman

the only race

I haven't conquered

I've been with an Arab woman

to be honest

a Middle Eastern woman

she was

she was a Coptic

Orthodox Egyptian

she was not

oh man

she wasn't

you know

she was

she was a Christian

but she's from Egypt

she was quite hot

and quite talented

I've been with white women

I've been with black women

I've been with Hispanic women

so

of all the major ones

Asian is the one

I've never conquered

and I never will

of course

because I'm getting married

unless something works out

for my bachelor night.

You never know.

Milkman, you're Asian.

Maybe I'll just have you.

Maybe you'll give up the Nargis.

Hi.

There you go.

All right.

That's hot, baby.

All right, we'll be right back, folks.

Speak another.

Hi, this is Mr. Horovitz.

How are you doing?

I'm sorry?

Hi, this is Mr. Horovitz.

How are you doing?

Good.

I have a complaint to make.

Okay.

All right, someone came over here

and flushed half a sub down my toilet.

Half a turkey sub down my toilet.

And I'm being told

there's a person

who's delivering food from your place.

There's a bag sticking out of the mouth.

You know the mouth of the toilet where the cocky goes in?

The bag is sticking out.

It says Subway, and I can see, like, turkey.

It looks like turkey.

It smells like turkey in there.

And I don't think anybody did a number one or a number two.

I think the person that came in and delivered said he had to use the toilet,

and then he tried to flush down this half a sandwich.

It was half a Subway sandwich, and it's halfway in and halfway out.

And if I try to flush it again, I know it's going to go over.

so you need to send the guy over here to take out the sandwich

because I'm not putting my hand in that.

I don't know what he did.

I don't know if he put drugs in his sandwich and was trying to get rid of it.

I don't appreciate that.

This isn't your dumping ground and we're not mules here.

Okay, can I transfer to my manager?

What is your manager's name?

He's next to me right now, so...

Is it a man or a woman?

A man.

Okay, that's good, good, thank you.

I would prefer to talk to a man.

Okay, hold on just a second.

Thank you, sir.

Hello, can I help you?

Yes, ma'am, how are you?

Good.

Okay, I wanted to make a complaint.

Half a turkey sub

That someone flushed down the toilet

Here in my house

That was delivering something

Everyone is telling me

That's the wrong number

The person that came to deliver

Tried to flush down

Half a turkey sub from Subway

It's sticking out

You got the wrong number

What do you mean

I have the wrong number

We ordered food from here

Check your caller ID

A turkey sub

No you don't have a turkey sub

The man brought with him

Some stuff

And it looks like

He had a turkey sub sandwich

That he brought with him

And he said

He had to use the bathroom

And what he did

Was he tried to flush the toilet

Down the toilet

and it got halfway in and it's in the you know the mouth of the toilet where the cocky goes in

you know when you when you flush the toilet that goes down the hole the mouth you know in the

bottom of it in the bowl you're talking about the do you know when you use it we'll use the toilet

you know when you flush it it has the hole where the where it goes down you know the number one

number two yeah okay well inside there the sub the subway it's a half of a turkey sub because it

looks like it's coming apart and there's turkey all over inside of it but like the bag it went

went through and then the bag is just sticking out like the empty half and the other half is

halfway stuck inside and i'm not about to stick my hand in there to come and get it out so either

you yourself or someone else needs to get over here and take it out and i've got like i got

cleaning gloves here and you can bring a pair of tongs or whatever you got to do to get it out but

i'm not going to stop i don't clean messes up here did you know my mother doesn't live here i

take care of you know we have a rule here in this house that when we make a mess in the bathroom

room, when we make a mess in the kitchen, when we make food, if we make eggs in the

morning, when we crack the eggshells. Son of a bitch. I don't have the wrong store.

I'm going to call them right back.

To place a call, press 1. Please enter your...

Speak to Kazuo. She's hot. Kazuo.

Confirm another restaurant here, Lucille, or your chick just answered.

Kazuo. Hello. Hello, please.

Kazuo.

Hello, sir.

Yes.

Yeah, we seem to have been disconnected.

Who am I speaking with, please?

Is this the manager?

What's the problem with you?

Why are you sounding so paranoid?

Because you know someone did something, right?

I don't know what you're talking about.

A gentleman from your place came to deliver food and flushed something down the toilet

and it messed up the toilet.

And he didn't use the bathroom like a number one or number two.

So I'm questioning, why was he trying to flush things down my toilet?

Where are you located at?

I made the order.

I'm in Fountain Valley on 182 Church Meadows Drive.

182 Church Meadows Drive.

Made an order.

I don't deliver anything

So I don't know

What you're talking about

Well someone

No I think you do sir

Because when I called in earlier

The lady said

Offered me

Either pick up a delivery

And I said delivery

And a man came over here

And he flushed something

Down the toilet

So if you're trying to protect him

Because you know

He was doing something

You need to let me know now

Or it's going to be

Double trouble on you

You need to be

Fucking honest with me

Right now sir

And tell me the truth

Because you know

We learn

When we read

Berenstain Bears

That when you

Don't tell the truth

That it's in the end

Of the story

You find out

How you told the truth

it from the beginning it would have been a lot better you get in trouble but you're still playing

a soccer game son of a bitch who's the owner of this restaurant because obviously i'm just speaking

to some woman here or some subordinate is there is there i don't want to talk to subordinate

so put someone else on the phone please i don't know when do i call back and speak to the real

manager all right we'll call again i don't give up guys i'm defending you the call please enter

your destination number starting with the area for you followed by the pound thank you for calling

I just keep getting the run around everywhere I go.

I just want someone to come over here and fix the mess that they did.

Do you know what's going on?

Have you been advised of the mess that this person made over here at my house?

This is horrible.

That we've been leaving messages to your house?

No, someone came over here and put something in my toilet and it messed it up.

It's like a sandwich in a bag.

It's like half of a sub-sandwich.

And there's like bread and turkey and like pickle particles all over the inside of the toilet.

I'm not sticking my hand in there to get it out.

And the manager really like threatened me.

He hung up the phone on me.

He doesn't want to help me out.

What the heck is going on?

And you, um, I don't know.

Did you want to talk to a manager?

Yeah, I would love to.

I would really love to because I'm so frustrated right now.

Okay, hold on a sec.

I just realized I'm calling a different place.

What's wrong with it?

But this is Lucille's Smokehouse.

This milkman doesn't know how to send numbers right.

Thank you for holding.

This is Tim.

How can I help you?

Hi.

Yes, ma'am.

Look, all I know is I've been calling around and around.

I've asked several times to speak to a manager,

and your staff keeps blocking me, saying that you're in a meeting.

I ask what kind of meeting.

They won't tell me what kind of meeting you're in.

I question that.

Were you even in a meeting, sir?

When was this?

I just started calling less than an hour ago.

I've been trying to get through.

People keep telling me, oh, the manager's in a meeting.

And I said, well, who can I call for?

When can I call back?

and I said that I'll have to call back later.

They wouldn't give me a commit time.

They wouldn't give me a case, a ticket number, anything like that.

Someone came over here and flushed it.

And tell me what happened today for you.

Someone flushed half a turkey sub in the toilet, okay,

and I'm not sticking my hand in there to get it out.

And the bottom line is someone needs to come over here from your staff.

I don't have a problem letting you guys use, you know,

I have like one of those, you know, cleaning gloves and all that stuff.

But you people need to make this right.

It's not right that you people come over here.

You said it's a turkey sandwich in your toilet?

Half of a turkey sandwich in the toilet.

Like, the bag is sticking out, and inside is a sandwich.

And it has Lucille's on it?

I'm sorry?

It says Lucille's on the bag?

Yes, this is disgusting.

People, you don't do this to...

I mean, on that question, if...

I do apologize, but, you know, we don't even have a turkey sandwich on our menu.

Well, it's some type of sandwich, something...

I'm not sticking my hand in there is the bottom line.

So whoever did this, whoever bought this over here and did this,

needs to come over here and make it right.

Needs to fix it.

You don't do this.

This is not right.

I definitely apologize.

What was your name?

This is a shelter over here.

This is Valente.

And we don't appreciate people coming over here and, you know, damaging our property.

I don't know how a sandwich ended up in your restroom.

But, you know, our employees, you know, they don't go.

You know, if they want to take food to go, they'd have to buy it.

I don't know if one of your guests or something.

I don't know.

Well, they're not guests.

I mean, they're victims.

But the bottom line is, you know, the bottom line is someone over here,

someone flushed this, whatever it is in this bag, inside the toilet.

It's messing it up.

And I'm not doing it.

I'm putting my foot down, sir.

This has your name on it.

You people need to come down here and make it right.

As far as I'm concerned, you people made this damage.

You say you work for a shelter?

That's right.

right. And what was that shelter's name? All Souls Shelter. Someone came over here and

flushed this. And can you spell the name for me, please? All A-L-L Souls, S-O-U-L-S. All

Souls, S-O-U-L-S. Hold on one second. Tell those people to shut up in the back. Damn

it. We're getting somewhere over here. Talking to some Americans now, that's why. Talking

to good white people. Okay, and you said that was All Souls? What is with all the noise

He's in the background.

You know, it's 8.30 on a, you know, we have a party of 40 in our bar,

and we have guests in our lobby waiting to be sat.

Can you just ask, I mean, I don't mind holding.

Can you ask them to keep it down just for a little bit?

Yeah, sure.

I actually just asked them that same thing.

Oh, that's good.

That's very polite.

Thank you.

I appreciate it.

It sounds like they are.

No, you got it.

And it was All Soul Shelter?

All Souls, damn you.

It's plural.

S-O-U-L-S.

Okay.

Who's the owner of this outfit?

Because I can't keep talking to subordinates like I've been talking to all night.

No, you know, Craig Hoffman is the owner.

Put me through to him.

You can transfer me through him right away because I'm not dealing with that.

I'm not putting my hand in the toilet again.

Your stuff damaged the toilet.

You people need to come here and fix the toilet.

That's it.

It's bottom line.

Yeah, you know, I do apologize.

You know, I don't know how it ended up in your facility.

Well, obviously someone went to your restaurant and bought it and flushed it down the toilet.

That's all it is.

You know, I do apologize.

I can give you our corporate office's phone number.

But, you know, if a customer, like, I don't know.

I mean, did someone walk in?

You know, honestly, I think that someone went into your place and bought some food

and then tried to flush it down the toilet here, so.

Well, why wouldn't they, I don't understand, why wouldn't they eat their food?

Well, because they're disgusting people.

They're sick.

They're sick in the head, these people that sleep here.

They're not all there.

Some of them do drugs.

Some of them are child molesters.

We don't know half the stuff that's going on here.

Regardless, you need to come over here and get this stuff off our property.

No, I definitely apologize, but I can tell you, you know,

You know, I can't send somebody over there, you know.

Well, your name is all over it.

I'm going to take pictures and send them to the newspaper

because as far as I'm concerned, there's damage.

You know, someone has vandalized our property here,

and your name and your logos are all over it and your information.

I definitely apologize for any inconvenience that has happened,

but, you know, as far as, like, keeping track of all of the takeout customers

or, you know, what people do with their food once they leave the building,

you know it's entirely up to them i don't know why they this doesn't make sense they'd flush a

sandwich down the toilet well this guy it's just the people are sick they're sick people and your

employees they're obviously saying how are you going to release food to people like that well

you know what i mean that's that's like any order takeout we don't know their like mental capacity

before we're selling them well i mean that's like you know i mean there's a responsibility

that you have to have would you let a mentally impaired person need to sit down on a blackjack

table and gamble no

No, but if the person was...

Well, what's going on here?

You're giving out large bags of food with your names all over it, advertising,

look, this is what we do.

Do you happen to have, is there a bag or any type of receipt or guest number on there?

Anything that is traceable or trackable?

I'm sure there is inside, but I'm not going to go in there.

I'm not sticking my hand in there.

It has germs.

You know, I don't have the liability, you know, to be sending someone out.

I don't even have, like, a plumber or a mechanic or anything like that.

All of my employees that work just work in this restaurant.

You know, I don't have any, you know, employees, like, leave on duty and go anywhere.

I'm not asking you to put anybody on leave.

I'm just asking you to come retrieve the property that is here on my property

and is causing damage to our property.

You know, I can take down your name and number and have someone contact you.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to take down your name and number, and I'm going to make a lawsuit.

And I'm going to include you in the lawsuit that I create for the damage that's going on here.

This is horrible.

Okay, and what was your name?

Have you ever heard of the Good Samaritan Law, you know, where you need to, you're supposed to,

you know, when you see a moral responsibility, you're supposed to follow through.

No, no, and I do understand what you're saying.

Come get your, there's a sandwich inside my toilet here that has your name on it.

I don't know how that sandwich got there.

Well, you get it out.

I don't have...

Let's not dwell on the past.

Let's dwell on the future.

I need you from Lucille's to come get the bag that says Lucille's on it.

It's your property.

You people bought it.

You people ordered it originally.

You people prepared the sandwich.

You are the people who need to come and clean this.

You need to mop the floor over here and make sure that the toilet is flushing like new.

Because the last time I...

What was your name?

flush just fine i need you to i need not you personally i need you to say whoever it is

over there and what was your name again this is valente valente valente garcia that's v-a-l-e-n-t-e

garcia that's right valente garcia contact phone number where you can be reached 407-459-459-4534

4534 that's right and once again can you say um the name of the establishment i have so far

All Souls Men's Shelter

DBA, Valente, and Associates

This is horrible. This is disgusting damage and someone could get sick in here.

Someone could slip down and fall down in the toilet.

We have one toilet for 42 men and 5 staff.

That's all we have here, sir. So I'm going to go around.

around. What is your name? What is your name? My name is Tim, T-I-M. I'm going to go around

and tell everybody, everybody, I wish I could say you folks can take a shower and use the

toilet tonight, but Tim, Tim said you can't. This is Tim, and this is his phone number.

Mr. Valente, before you start saying that, I'm just letting you know, you know, I want

to help you out, but... Okay, cool, so... We sold a sandwich to somebody, you know,

they pay for it, and it becomes, you know, their property. They pay for it, we give

them receipts you know what they do with their sandwiches up to them i don't know you know you're

letting your so that you're saying like someone went into your bathroom just opened up a takeout

order that they had paid you know twenty dollars for or something and then just tried to flush it

down the toilet and leave no they did like i don't they did they did do that and it doesn't make any

sense and that's why i'm saying i have suspicions as that you know that is not what's going on here

there's something else afoot here sir but i'm not going to be able to track down the guy who

who did it, so no one here is talking.

You know, I'm sorry, no one's there talking.

So come get your shit.

Come get your shit.

Unfortunately, sir, Mr. Valente, that's not something that I can do.

You know, first of all, for our insurance, you know,

we're only insured on our own property.

You know, and I'm really sorry for your...

Oh, what's going to happen?

Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim.

What do you think is going to...

Someone's going to fall in the toilet and drown, Tim.

I mean, really.

I'm not really sure.

You know, I wish I could help you out,

but, you know, I can't leave the restaurant where I am to, you know,

try and take care of a half a sandwich that is down the facility, you know.

Down the toilet.

You can say toilet.

Someone has obviously done that at your facility, has physically done that.

Someone has had to.

I know the sandwich was sold from here, but, you know, like what people do with their,

you know, I want to come and help you, but, you know,

it's not like I have a plumber on call that I can just send to you.

Well, who's your plumber?

We don't have a plumber.

We have people in-house, you know, our back-of-the-house maintenance people.

There you go.

Well, that's, I mean, I think that's the best route we've got to go.

And he went home at 6.30 today.

They work mostly in the morning.

Are you talking me down?

Are you talking me down, sir?

I'm not talking you down.

I just wanted to clear up that you're not talking me down.

You're not talking me down, are you, sir, Tim?

No, absolutely not.

Okay, okay, we're on the same page.

You're not talking me down.

No, no, no, I'm definitely not talking you down.

You know, I understand what you're saying has happened,

But I'm trying to explain to you that I don't have anybody to send over to come fix you.

Even if I did, if someone injured themselves on the way to your facility, then it would be an insurance liability.

Let me tell you something, sir.

Let's say if I come in and I flush half a sandwich down your toilet there and it gets backed up, what is going to happen?

What would you say to me?

me. What if I did that and I came out and said, hey, by the way, I just went in there,

I flushed my meal down the toilet and it stopped at the toilet. Thank you. Anything else?

I'd ask them, I'd ask that customer why they did that and then I'd try and...

Well, because you did it to me.

Fix the facilities. Well...

I'm not going to fix it. No, no, how am I going to fix it? You know, if I do it to you,

I'm supposed to fix it, but you do it to me and you're not. Oh, I wash my hands and

and the insurance, and the policy, and this and that, and this lawsuit,

and the gasoline, and we've got to pay for the fuel charge.

Come on.

This is horrible.

And, you know, Mr. Garcia, like I said, I apologize,

but at this point, you know, it's not like I could send somebody over there

to remove a sandwich from a toilet that someone had flushed down, you know.

It's not, you know, no one from our work, like, went there and did it.

But someone made it.

Someone made the sandwich, someone released it to the customer in your revelry,

I mean, in a bag with your livery on it, and this person took it.

I'm going to leave my note.

Mike Allen is our general manager.

You know, at this point, I can't send someone out tonight.

It's just not something I can.

I don't have the manpower.

It's just not something I can do.

You know, I can pass you the information along to my superiors,

and, you know, the general manager's already left for the day.

You know, Mike, you call tomorrow.

Well, you let them know that we're not touching this.

This is staying like this right here.

So you folks, send a plumber.

Why don't you just call a plumber and send them over?

Send over the plumber.

Call a plumber for me.

Can you call over a plumber and send them over, please?

Unfortunately, no.

I would need to check it with my general manager.

Well, how am I going to fix this?

I mean, people have got to use it to make a toilet.

No, and I understand people need to use the toilet.

But, you know, at this point, there's nothing I can do.

I can't send someone over there to remove it from you.

to remove it from your facility.

Did you just make a sexual advance towards me?

No, sir.

I'm not making a sexual advance towards you.

You know, now it's starting to seem like you're getting a little silly.

Well, I'm just trying to find an angle.

What is your angle, sir, really?

Well, I'm not angling anything, but, you know, when you start...

Is there a man I can speak with?

A man?

My name is Tim.

I'm a male.

Well, I mean, a woman can be called Tim also, but...

Well, my name is Tim.

I'm the only manager that is here.

Like I said, I can pass you along to Mike Allen.

There's no other man there that I can speak with?

Who made the sandwich?

I don't know exactly.

Could you maybe call...

Tell you what, let's call a staff meeting.

Put me on speakerphone.

We'll call a staff meeting real quick,

and we'll find out who made the sandwich,

and maybe this isn't your problem.

Maybe this is all my problem,

but I don't know until we call a staff meeting.

All right, you know what, Mr. Valente?

I have all your information down.

No, call a staff meeting, Tim.

Call the staff meeting and ask who made the sandwich.

Do it, Tim!

No, I don't really understand...

Come on, Tim!

Who made the sandwich?

Someone made the damn sandwich over there.

Why do you people make the sandwich?

We have lots of cooks.

Oh, so you're going to just block the firewall.

Tim, the firewall here.

The wall.

The immobile object.

Well, Mr. Villente, I'm sorry you feel this way.

I'm going to leave this information for my general manager.

Let me tell you something.

I'm going to find the real culprits behind this crime.

I'm going to work hard to find the real people.

And I've taken pictures.

I'm going to call Bob Morton.

I'm personal friends of Bob Morton

and the new solvers.

I'm going to let them know

what's happening here.

And I hope, Tim,

I hope that they don't come down

over their cameras

to ask you questions, Tim.

Yeah, but I mean,

I don't, I mean,

but honestly...

Oh, I forgot.

No, no, don't worry.

Don't worry.

The real question is not

who made the sandwich,

but who took the sandwich

and went to your facility

and did whatever they did

in your restaurant.

And who made the sandwich.

Who made the sandwich?

One of our cooks probably did.

There you go.

go. There's a source. You gotta get to the root to the fruit,

man. The root of the, you know, from the root to the fruit.

Whatever. Alright, well, like I said, you know,

I'm leaving it for Mike. Don't worry. Okay, Tim. Okay, Tim.

You know. You know. I know.

I know you people. I know you people.

I know how you people are, Tim. That's fine. Okay.

Thank you, Tim. I know how you people are.

Okay. Thank you. God bless you, sir. Thank you.

You have yourself a great night, sir. You have a

blessed night, asshole.

Jesus Christ. Shut up already, Tim.

Fucking too nice. How much can a guy...

I have a shitload of numbers I just

It's confirmed, man.

You're awesome numbers, bro.

Yeah, I saw you doing that.

Okay.

I got to an Indian restaurant, Kebab Curry.

And an Indian guy answered, can you talk, Lucille?

Moo's Restaurant, a young English-speaking guy answered.

Okay.

There's also Piggy's Charburgers, a nice young girl answered.

And here's a funny one, Sook San Jong Restaurant,

a Korean-accent older woman answered.

Yeah.

You know who she's calling is Maven.

I want to hear what Maven has to say about the show.

That'd be kind of cool.

We've never heard from Maven before.

Maven, baby.

But in the meantime, I've got to take a break.

Maven's my girl, man.

All the sandwich talk, man, has got me hungry.

There's a bunch of confirmed numbers right there, right here in town, that are going to be open for a while, hermano.

That's fine.

We'll give them a call.

Don't worry, man.

We'll get to it, brother.

I've been confirming that a little, ho.

Okay, good.

Thank you, Milkman.

Good, good, Milkman.

That's good.

Good for you.

Good, Milkman.

Thanks, man.

They look like good numbers.

They look promising.

I appreciate it, my brother.

Hollywood needs a call-in, too.

Hollywood.

That motherfucker, Hollywood.

All right.

When we come back, we're going to be calling those numbers again to recap what Milkman just

mumbled.

Baby, honey, he's calling in, too, baby.

Piggy's Charburgers.

They were a nice young girl to answer.

Suk San Jong Restaurant.

Korean restaurant, Milkman says.

And Moo's Restaurant.

M-O-O, like the cow.

Moo.

We'll be calling them next.

More numbers from Nunu also to get to.

Of course, your requests also when we come back.

We've had requests coming in.

What do you think I was doing on Kebab's Curry?

We're going to clean out the requests from the last two weeks

that have come through in the Request a Prank section.

Be sure to visit our website, madhouselive.com,

where you can subscribe to our podcast, check out our prank calls,

and check out our forums, stuff like that.

A lot of stuff to do there.

Hollywood Vinyl, so we're going to get him to call in, hopefully.

We'll see about that when we come back.

When we come back, when we come back, folks, don't worry.

Give me about five minutes, as I said.

Thank you very much for hanging in there through the rain and the pain.

We're doing quite just fine tonight, I think.

I don't think we're doing that bad.

Anyway, 11.52 p.m.

This is kicking ass, man.

It's Thursday, March the 12th.

God, we're just burning through the time, man.

Yeah.

And ringing in Friday when we come back after this.

That five-minute call there was pretty awesome.

Whatever.

Right after this.

Say, Shaw City.

Oh.

Shaw City.

Coming home again.

Ryan, come on.

Come on.

Yeah.

Do you think I was three years old?

And would I love my life so much so?

Hey, everybody.

Que pasa?

Carlitos is back.

We're going to wrap it up.

Yes, your manito's back.

We've got just about midnight here, so it's almost Friday.

We made it, everybody.

End of the week.

March 13th, it will be in about less than 60 seconds.

Broken through, man.

Yep.

There's a little ice at the other side of the tunnel.

Big what's up to everybody in the chat room tonight.

Kokanee Hollywood Vanya.

Hopefully, he'll be calling in soon.

Nunu, sending in numbers.

Venison is in the house.

Venison Meat in the house.

Mikey129 Maven.

Baz Brandon Vegas, who just added me.

Finally got a Twitter account.

Welcome to the world, sleeping man.

Rip Van Winkle.

Milkman, you got to get a Twitter account, man.

What's wrong with you?

That's where it's at.

Catching me at...

What the hell do I do with that thing, man?

Everybody wants to know what I'm doing.

I'm on Glasses Milk number 25.

I'm Madhouse on Twitter

Twitter.com slash Madhouse

Oh, okay

I have a call

Yes, speaking

Hey, what's up, Maven?

I gotta say hello because when we get callbacks

If it's a number I don't know, I don't know if it's someone calling back

So I want to make sure I can continue the prank

I just found

They may have a ticket, I just found out

Lucille's restaurant, the sandwich down the toilet

The guy called back on the break

Trying to see if they left a voicemail

I'm trying to check that out now.

What's up with, how long you, did you find us in a podcast, or how did you find Madhouse exactly?

I think I was just browsing around a net, and I just happened upon, I'm clicking on everything.

Okay.

Everything I know.

Okay.

Madhouse.

I go to court, I have a couple every Thursday.

Yeah.

Awesome.

Cool.

It's good to have you around.

Yeah, they did call, they left a zero-second voicemail, so they hung right out, bastards.

Damn it.

Oh, bummer.

All right, well, whatever.

Um, yeah, so, yeah, you know, keep telling your friends, you know, it's, it's weird because

it's like we get, I think the podcast so far has been like the biggest, um, the biggest

gain of like, well, Twitter now is on, on, have you ever, do you do, are you into Twitter

at all, or we were just talking about that?

No, I'm not into Twitter, unfortunately.

Oh, okay.

Do you do, you're more like a MySpace person or a Facebook person?

Nope.

Not even, I can't stand them.

I have the, I have them for the show, but I don't have personal ones that I don't.

It's just that the, the MySpace is so happy.

She's a game girl.

Okay, so instead of scratching it, I just stay away from it altogether.

Oh, okay.

Okay, Milkman says you're a game girl.

Do you game?

Are you a gamer?

Yes, I do.

I am a gamer.

What do you play?

Far Cry?

I don't know.

I don't even know what's popular anymore.

I do play Far Cry.

I am.

Lose is GTA.

Okay.

Just about everything.

Okay.

I mean, I'm dipping.

Okay, cool.

I've got to get back into the game.

I used to be really into it, you know, when I was younger, but I got out of it for like

three years, and it's like I fell behind.

Ah.

Yeah.

Frogger?

I've just been playing Spore.

Oh, I got addicted to Spore again.

Like, I started playing when it first came out.

I got addicted to it.

Let it go for a while.

Yeah, and then I've been playing StarCraft all week, too.

Because I'm on spring break.

And I said, let me...

Because StarCraft 2 is coming out.

I said, let me play StarCraft 1.

So I'm going through all the campaigns, slowly but surely.

It's good times.

It's like 97 all over again.

It's great.

Yeah.

Cool.

All right, maybe.

You don't do prank calls.

You do prank calls?

Or you just, like, listen to them?

No, I don't.

I suck at it.

I listen to Fry.

I listen to you guys do it better.

Awesome.

we'll let the pros

do it then

awesome

alright well hey

thanks for checking in

finally it's good

talking to you

don't be a stranger

call in more often

alright

yeah baby

alright bro

talk to you later

alright see ya

thanks for talking

over my joke guys

I said bro

and she laughed

she thought it was funny

women think I'm funny

looking

I know man

frog

it's good

um

play Mortal Kombat

anymore

Mortal Kombat

I think that franchise

you know what pisses me off man

You know what pisses me off?

Every year or every other year, a list comes out.

Someone out there makes another list.

Top 100 video games of all time.

And, you know, like, it's usually, you know, Mario Brothers is up there or Zelda.

I forget what's usually, like, number one games.

Mario 64 is usually always, like, the number one of all time.

Zelda is always up there, too.

One of the Zeldas.

One of the 64.

I think the 64-bit one.

Ocarina of Time, I think.

Whatever.

You know what never, ever gets mentioned on those is Mortal Kombat.

The Mortal Kombat franchise, I have never seen show up on a top 100 games of all time list.

And that's fucking bullshit, man.

Because if you're going to have Street Fighter up there and stuff, you need to have Mortal Kombat.

Because Mortal Kombat, it may not have been as good as the Street Fighter franchise, but it was still just as popular.

And it was so controversial that it...

I remember when Mortal Kombat was everything.

everything yeah dude mortal i remember mortal monday when it when when it came out for the

consoles for genesis for the blood code and super nintendo had the better graphics but this you know

but had sweat instead of blood and none of the violent fatalities i remember i skipped school

that day was my freshman year of school i skipped school i had bought um i had pre-ordered the first

mortal kombat at radio shack and they delivered it to my house that day what double dragon that's

That's old, yeah.

I remember Double Dragon.

God, man, that's some fun right there.

Yeah, man, that was my fun.

That was one.

Yeah, you could take out, you could turn it, and you could fight each other.

At the end, you had to fight, yeah.

Instead of beating up the enemies, and I would, like, kill the guy.

Who were the guys in that?

No, you could, like, turn that off, and you could fight each other, you know, and you'd be like.

Oh, okay.

I remember now.

Oh, yeah, where you could actually hurt each other while you were playing.

Yeah, that was retarded.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would, like, bust a chop, man.

It was hilarious.

Brandon Vegas is saying the same

well, Brandon Vegas said he spent a lot of quarters on that

but seriously though

it's not fair that

Mortal Kombat does not get that respect

Mortal Kombat, and it changed the face

of video games as we know it

because if it wasn't for Mortal Kombat

arguably we wouldn't have a video game rating system right now

the E for everyone, etc, etc

that never would have happened

that was the crux of it

I think someone was calling

yeah, it was

the whole controversy with

with that, ended up, like, you know, causing a lot of trouble, almost banned, you know,

they were going to start, you know, IDing people to buy games and stuff in, you know,

places, that would be, can you imagine having to do that?

I don't think they do that now, do they?

Yeah, it wasn't that, what was the name of that president's wife, Tipper Gore, or Tipper

Gore, somebody was pushing that.

Tipper Gore and Joe Lieberman were big on that.

Caller, you're on the air.

I like Mortal Kombat, but Donkey Kong was the best game ever.

Donkey Kong, man, was so violent.

The bananas, the bananas, the bananas, man.

What's going on, Dr. Lego?

When Donkey Kong was trying to throw that barrel down at Mario's head,

I thought that was very violent.

That's crazy.

Is it Dr. Lego or somebody else?

You know, I got a really cool game idea.

I want to take, like, that movie Hostel and make a game out of it.

Oh, yeah, man, with the tying up and all that stuff.

Yeah, you fucking slice the bitch up.

I mean, you know, basically that's Grand Theft Auto, but you know what I'm saying.

I'd jerk off to that movie theater, man.

I'd go in with a trench coat.

That shit was so hot.

Whip it out right there.

I already popped that head off.

Yeah, hell yeah, man.

I wish that was me in that bloodbath, man.

Were you on last night, man?

Dude, Kim was sick.

My fucking head.

I'm still, dude, getting over the cold and shit.

How you doing, man?

I'm all right, dude.

Did you hear the Zolar show?

Zolar was here in studio.

You missed it, man.

I was expecting you to...

No, I didn't hear it.

He was down in FLA, huh?

He was in Orlando, yeah.

Well, I got good news for you, dude.

What's up?

I'll be in Orlando in like two, three weeks.

No shit, really?

You want to do a show?

Joel, you're going to be here on a Thursday?

Yeah, probably.

Well, hell, you've got to come over, man, and do a show.

You're bringing the kids out to Disney?

What's going on?

Yeah, something like that.

Did you hear Dr. Lego Jr. on Zola the other night?

No.

Uh-uh.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe you, man.

The prodigy.

Yeah?

Prince Lego.

The Prince of Pranks.

You're the Prince of Pranks.

You're the King of Pranks.

He's the Prince of Pranks.

You know, I'm not the King.

I'm some guy.

I spoke to, speaking of the King of Prank calls, I spoke to Katie Katie the other day.

Oh, boy, what's that about?

What's he need?

KDK, you know, he's a multi-millionaire.

Oh, sure, yeah.

And he's making horror movies.

He bought the rights to some horror movies, so he says.

I'm going to help him make some horror movies.

What rights did he buy?

Can I ask?

Is it privileged information?

Yeah, he bought the rights to Mother's Day, which is a great movie.

Okay.

And some shit by the bay.

I don't know the name of it.

Are you kidding?

No.

He bought the rights to movies with that money he's getting from his dad?

Correct.

Wow.

Okay.

He's going to reproduce them.

I think it's a good idea, actually.

Mother's Day was a classic.

Well, I guess if you make them cheap enough, I guess.

I mean, he could re-release them all, Master.

Mother's Day.

Make some money off of them.

Yeah, but dude, why not redo it and something?

And, you know, he bought the rights.

I don't think he bought the movie itself.

He bought the rights.

Yeah, so he can do whatever he wants.

I mean, he gets a cut.

If anybody wants to make a remake of it, or if he decides to pursue it, or shop it around, yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

He just needs to get a movie house to buy.

That's all he's got to do

Buy the rights from him

I think he's got

You know he's all hooked in

With that Fangora shit

I think he's going to do it man

That's cool

Well good for him then

Why not

Yeah

He was in the chat room here

About our last show

Incognito

Trying to think

We didn't know who he was

By the time we checked his IP

When he left

And it wasn't

He was talking shit

It was pretty fun

It was like old times

I told him

I said dude

Just you know

Chill out

And come fucking do a show

And stop being a penis

Just let go

Who cares

Well you see

He needs you now

Now he needs you

He's calling you

But who might adjust

Whatever man

And I say a little of them every now and then.

You know, dude, I've got nothing against the guy.

He's cool, man.

He's all right.

All right, good deal.

I mean, see, you know, he stuck his dick in a mangina.

So, you know, what are you going to do?

In a mutilated penis.

You know, Ron Jeremy sucked his own dick.

I mean, what are you going to do?

You're going to fucking blame him his whole life?

Oh, man, you've got a point.

Hey, look, what do you think about that May 23rd?

I'm thinking about doing a show like in New York or Atlantic City or something like that.

You think you could show up and help us out with gear and at least show up?

I'm going to try, dude.

You know, I mean, I've got the computer power.

I'll have a better idea

Where my life is at

Okay

Alright so May 23rd

Did you get your

Save the date yet

For the wedding

Did you get the

Not the invite

I didn't get it

You didn't

Hmm

You should have

That's weird

Did you send me an email

Or a regular mail

No it was in a regular mail

You should have gone

It's uh

They did shit

Okay well you're definitely

Unless Kim

Unless dude

Unless Kim

You know

Dude there's problems there right

We're going you know

We're going for some company

She doesn't like my girlfriend

The whole thing

That's the whole thing

She's jealous of the girlfriend

Then okay

That's alright

I told her not to be

I said it's just a sign

It has no feelings.

Nothing to do.

There's no feelings.

It's just fucking, Kim, don't worry about it.

Exactly.

She's your main girl.

What do you got to worry about?

Yeah, she's your main girl.

That's awesome.

You want to do a prank call?

Separate the two.

Go ahead.

Touch me in anything you want.

All right, we're bullshitting here.

Well, you tell me, because I got a list of old numbers, because Loser is on vacation

tonight.

Well, it's a loser, that is.

So you got a kind of restaurant you want to call?

Mexican, Greek, Italian?

Sure.

Anything?

Or just whatever?

Any of them.

I just called for you and confirmed.

Send me any restaurant you want.

All right, let me see.

Okay, well, what's his face?

Milkman, that guy over here.

He's giving me numbers that he wants us to call.

And they've actually been working pretty well here.

Okay, so we've got a Korean restaurant, Milkman.

What's the best one out of these?

The Piggy's Charburgers?

Is that the one you're talking about, Milkman?

Little Seal's Barbecue.

That was a nice girl, and there was the Kebab Curry Cuisine.

I'm just saying it again.

Kebab Curry Cuisine.

It's an Indian guy.

Okay, all right.

So let me, I think we already called that one, Milkman.

I'm going to call the Korean place, Leggo.

You ready?

No, we didn't call it.

You skipped it.

Sure, I will.

All right, take it away.

Yeah, hey, how you say?

How you doing?

Yes.

Hey, hey, what's up over there, Milky Liquor?

Listen, I was in there the other day.

I got some food.

Did you find...

Yeah, yeah, Korean restaurant.

Did you, yeah, Korean restaurant.

I love that food.

I fucking love it.

Listen, I haven't seen my dog since I've ate there,

but, all right, listen, I left my cell phone there.

Did you find my cell phone?

No.

Yeah, and if you open it up, it had a picture of my cock on it.

No, I can't see it.

You didn't see it?

I can't see it.

I'm sorry, listen.

Is Mr. Miyagi there?

Mr. Miyagi, is he there?

Hello?

Listen, you stupid old fucking bitch, Korean bitch.

Is Mr. Miyagi there?

Tell me she hung up already.

Hey, Mr. Miyagi, how's your fucking cock?

Listen, I left my cell phone over there, and my dog is missing.

Who are you?

My name?

Jake Ryan.

What?

My name is Jake Ryan.

You probably saw me in the movie 16 Candles.

I don't understand, okay?

All right, listen.

Tell...

This is...

Okay, here's what I'm saying, okay?

I'm going to come over there and get some food.

I want to pick up some food.

I want to place order.

You know this one?

Food, oh, yeah?

You want to...

Yeah.

Yes, this is Korean food, right?

Oh.

Yeah, what kind of...

Listen, Mr. Miyagi, here's the deal.

I want to place an order, and then I want to get some sucky-sucky with that.

Now tell your fucking whore wife to shave that pussy, and let me get over there.

Shave your asshole, okay?

I don't understand you.

Hey, hey, hey, zoom out.

See you next time, okay?

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

Listen to my friend wants to ask you a question.

What happened to you, Kim Chi?

Hello, bastard.

He did hung up.

Fuck him.

Brandon Vegas is bringing up Killer Instinct.

Dr. Leggo, you ever play the 16-bit games or you're more of an Atari or 8-bit era guy?

Oh, dude, yeah, I played all of it.

Dude, I started, listen, I don't want to fucking date myself,

But I think I remember playing Pong, okay?

Oh, no kidding.

That's the old school right there.

You started making it big, and personally, you were selling the first IBM-compatible PCs, right?

The first time those started coming out, isn't that how you said you had, like...

Back in the day, that's how we started.

Me and my man Bruce, out of my dad's, my grandmother's old bedroom, we were building PC clones.

Oh, shit.

Let me tell you a story.

We put an ad in the Times, and we sold it.

We had cars lining up every day picking these things up.

It was half the price.

what the fuck is going on?

A mafia operation here in the neighborhood.

People driving by.

They thought we were drugging, that's for sure.

Hey, if you do, since you're coming to Orlando, we definitely need to meet, number one.

Number two

You definitely need to

Autograph my copy

Of the gross tape man

Yeah

Dude I'll fucking

You know dude

I'll autograph it

You can wipe it on Kim's ass

Whatever you want to do

There you go

Alright we'll pull it

Between her jigglies

What's up with this guy

Mr. Rorick

Yeah what's

I don't know

He's got a screw loose

He's one of those you know

Is he still like

I mean he never

He never took the medication

Never worked

He never

Yeah exactly

He never

He didn't turn right in the womb

When it was coming out

Maybe the medication

Won't work with him

Maybe

He was born blue

Blue, is that one of those blue babies, you know, where they got the lack of oxygen when they get born?

Breach birth, Mikey says.

Exactly, that's the one.

Gold star for Mikey.

Good work, sir.

You figured it out.

Good deal.

I think probably what happened was, what his mom was telling me the other night when she was sucking my cock,

I mean, I didn't really understand her because she was, like, mumbling.

Right.

But she said something about, you know, she fired him out and he hit the floor or something.

But, you know, he was so fucking, like, you know, whatever you call it.

But, yeah, that red jelly-looking, looks like raspberry jello kind of stuff.

Right.

Jeez, man, yeah.

I'm getting married here.

I'm going to have to have a kid.

I'm just worried about watching.

Do you have to watch the birth these days?

I mean, you have kids with Kim, right?

Or with somebody?

Oh, dude, I got kids probably in, you know,

West Coast, East Coast, probably a couple in Europe.

Any port in the storm, huh?

You know, Puerto Rican babies, black babies, you name it.

But seriously, have you had to watch the birth?

In fact, what I'm thinking is probably one of my kids.

I'm not even going to get into that.

No.

Do you really have to watch it when it's happening?

You've got to sit there and watch them cut into it?

Frank Mastro is going to reveal the truth.

All the mucus and all that.

You want to stand behind the curtain, okay?

Okay.

Oh, God, that would scare me for life.

You want to stand behind curtain number one, all right?

You don't want to be in front of that curtain.

All right, man, you want to do one more prank call?

More?

Or more?

Mr. Rourke, if it's okay with you, please, because you're paying the rent over here.

He says I'm not that funny.

Oh, well, you know what?

Big Outlaw, he loves me, even though he says every time I log in, he says, fuck you, Lego.

Yeah, well, that's always nice.

Pig Outlaw has got problems with me.

That's his way of saying, hey, bro, how you doing?

You know, he says he's a big pig.

That's right.

You know, Outlaw, me and you, I don't, you know, I'm not happy with you,

and so you owe me a public apology for some of the stuff that you've been saying lately about me,

and I don't appreciate it, man.

It's not, it's very, how do you say, it's not conducive to a positive work environment.

You want to call Alibaba Limousine?

All right.

They are located in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Okay.

Home of my near wedding coming soon.

All right.

Cool.

Don't go anywhere, man.

Yeah.

Hey, Ali.

Bob Alimo.

Hey, how are you?

Who am I speaking to?

Zen.

Great.

My name is DJ Anteater.

How are you doing?

I work with the American Idol people.

Are you familiar with the show, American Idol?

Listen, we're coming into town next week to do a little, we're coming into Philly next

week to do a little, you know, we have a couple of concerts in Philadelphia.

You know, we got that black girl, the new freaking Indian guy.

Yeah, yeah.

So we're coming in.

I got Paula Abdul.

She's landing in Philly.

I need a limousine.

Can you hook me up?

This is like stretch limo shit.

You know, like this.

What do you got?

You got one of the big Cadillacs?

Who do you got?

Oh, a guy who's also a bodyguard?

Bodyguard.

Now listen, you know, sometimes she gets a little fucked up and crazy.

I mean, that's okay, right?

I need you guys to back me up.

The problem is, if she needs to get laid, dude, you know, he's out of hand.

Let me put you on with Paul Abnate.

Is it Matt Matheson or something?

I don't know.

What's that guy's name?

Put him on right now.

He's got a...

Yes, sir.

Doug Masterson.

How are you doing?

Good, good.

How are you doing?

I have a question.

You said that your drivers are allowed to carry guns?

Yeah.

Do they know how to use them?

Yeah.

When it goes down, you know, it's important that they hold steady.

They want them to pull out their weapons unless I give them permission to do it.

And I get nervous around firearms.

One time, this guy was driving me.

He pulled down his pants, used the toilet, and the gun hit the floor, and the bullet went off.

It went into the skylight, and it broke down.

We were in a space shuttle, and then all the oxygen came out of the space shuttle,

and then we had to do an emergency landing.

What I want to make sure is that you gentlemen have, you know, they have IDs and all that,

like they have permission, and they're trained in weapons.

What about in hand-to-hand combat?

about sometimes i like to i like to get into altercations with the drivers you know just

because i'm russian i'm half russian i have to get you i'd like to push them around a little bit

get in their face slap them in the face sometimes just get them angry and keep them on their feet

all right man listen do you have a shut up listener uh do you are you in the toilet by

the way why is there an echo when you're talking listen call me in the morning okay are you in a

toilet sir yeah because it sounds like what are you doing number number one or number two

Only in the morning now.

No, it is morning now.

It's 12.24 a.m.

Do you have a piece of paper?

Yeah.

Put it in your ass and clean it,

because it sounds like you're in the toilet making a shit.

Oh, that's funny.

You see, I heard you.

There, you grunted.

Sounds like the gross tape over there.

That was the gross tape, Dr. Lego.

I heard it.

You heard it and it was like, oh.

He hung up on you.

Yeah, that's it.

We lost the patient, Lego.

There we go.

Well, you never know what I'm going to do.

I didn't do that good.

I just wanted to talk with my mouth full.

I'm eating chicken over here.

Lego, on a diet, I've gone down.

one pant size and a half, sir.

God bless you, dude.

That's good.

You're going to look good for this wedding, man.

I'm going to lose one more pant size, man.

I'm going to be looking good.

Now, are you getting the mohawk or are you not going to do it?

I'm not going to get the mohawk.

What are you talking about?

A mohawk?

Are you crazy?

Can't do that.

No, Artie told me you were going to have him get a mohawk for you.

Hell no.

And shave your balls.

Uh-uh.

No, I don't know.

He said you were going to get a mohawk and shave your balls.

I'll shave my balls.

Yeah, get a mohawk down there.

I don't know.

Okay, your cock looks bigger.

You know what happens when you shave your balls, for real?

You can't have a...

Once the hair starts going back in, you're walking around, you know, you're fucking your cock itches all day.

You're walking around with, like, all these weird, funny faces.

People looking at you, like, what the fuck is wrong with this asshole?

That doesn't happen to me anymore.

You know, at first, I think the first time I shaved that happened, but now, like, I do.

I trim, and I might go a few months in between, and it doesn't get that bad.

I don't shave bald, though.

You don't do bald, dude, because that's just weird.

Men shouldn't just shave their bald.

You don't shave their bald.

You trim it, right?

Oh, fuck.

Like, you know, there's a little bit of hair, a little mustache on the sides, on the shaft,

a little bit of, a little bit of a sprinkle, a little bit of a, what is up, man?

He should have called you.

He's a pussy.

He hides behind a fake name and a fake phone.

He's always on the flat, no money.

Lego, I'm going to let you go because I'm going to start wrapping things up here.

You do the bill, you know that.

And I'm glad, I'm glad you're not in jail.

Listen, self-aid for tomorrow.

Last month we had it and this month.

Oh, it is?

Look at this.

It's the third year.

We did have it last month.

Yeah, it was.

It was last month.

Yeah, it doesn't happen like that too often.

Hey, you know what?

What's up?

Yeah.

I remember that.

I didn't realize it until the end of the night.

Someone told me, oh, yeah, look at that.

Why the 13th anyway?

No, that's cool.

It's all good, man.

I'm just eating.

I don't care.

You know me.

I'm eating.

It's Carlito, baby.

What kind of chicken are you eating?

Where'd you get it?

Went to Publix.

I don't know if you ever heard of Publix before.

It's the best grocery store.

No, Publix?

You ever hear of Publix?

No, Publix is a grocery store here that's like heaven.

And when you come down to Orlando, I'll take you myself, so you'll see what Publix chicken is like.

All right.

It's the best chicken.

But that was a mesquite-grilled chicken that I made in the oven with a special mesquite.

Do we eat it in Publix?

Well, it's a Publix place.

You can definitely eat there in Publix and eat it, yes, sir.

You can eat Publix chicken in Publix.

In Publix, right.

Right.

Even, too.

You can put some of that on it, too.

So, hey, man, for real, man, get with me when you come down.

You can come down for the show or at least me.

I'll let you know before I'm coming.

I'll buy you some beers or something, right?

We'll have fun.

We'll kiss, we'll hug, and all that stuff.

We'll hold hands and go to dinner.

Hold it.

Oh, that shit.

Dr. Lego, get off my line.

Dude, by the way, your wife sold your house when Zola left, though.

Yeah, yes.

See you, man.

Bye.

That's all the house and people from New York come down, man,

because they got, like, you know, they live in New York.

And I meant to ask Zola about that,

because they have AIDS and stuff in New York.

They have a lot of AIDS and diseases.

Yeah, yeah, they do.

It's like the capital of AIDS, outside of Africa.

They got those Somalis there and shit.

Oh, God, man.

A lot of AIDS people.

There's probably AIDS all over this house right now.

Jonathan's calling us, speaking of AIDS

He hung up the phone

Fuck you, Jonathan

He's like, oh no, Carlito knows

Carlito knows I have AIDS

Hey, Jonathan, what's going on? Congratulations

Nothing, what are you doing, buddy?

Nothing, I saw you try to call me on Google Talk again

I think it was Monday

It was funny because I had

You were calling me on the computer behind me

I was on the laptop and I heard it ringing

Yeah, I had some issues with Google Talk.

as we see it.

Is it for Mac, too?

Yeah.

I'm not sure if it's for Mac, Tuck,

but you know what?

You need to make the change

or you need to get one of those stupid emulators

that lets you use Windows programs on a Mac.

Yeah, just throw that piece of shit

in the sack.

Get rid of that Mac.

Everybody,

Jonathan,

these people Mac, Mac, Mac, right?

You know, all the time.

Oh, my Mac.

And my Mac.

Yeah.

I'm Archie Fartsy.

You're going to have a Mac.

You're going to have to use a computer.

That's what I'm saying.

Hell yeah, man.

How boring would that Mac shell be?

It's shit.

Dude, try the Windows 7 shit, though.

It's good, man.

I'm telling you.

You get yourself that Windows 7 free beta.

You enjoy it.

You hear me?

All right.

I'm telling you.

You give it a shot, man.

You try Windows 7, and I guarantee you'll like it.

It's like Vista, but it works, man.

My recommendation.

What do you think about the show so far tonight?

Kind of eh, right?

We had some good angry calls to the Lucille BBQ.

I think that worked out.

What's calling you in the background there, Jonathan?

Is that Cheese Boy?

No.

I had a shot called, but I got the mic muted.

Okay.

Okay. Do you still have your router set up on a travel alarm that it goes off,

turns off automatically on you every day?

No. I'm actually at my own place now.

That was when I was at my dad's place.

Okay.

I have my own connection now. It stays on until I go to bed.

Well, good.

I turn it on when I wake up, and I turn it off when I go to bed.

So is that your modem that you turn off, or just your router?

I turn everything off. I got a cable modem, a hub, and a wireless router.

And you turn it all off?

Yeah, because my other one got burned up for leaving it on all the time.

They go bad.

You have to change them out every three or four years usually.

Remember I told him to cool it?

You've got to cool it.

You've got to put a fan on it.

So wait a minute now.

You have a hub connected to the, wait a minute.

So you have your modem, right?

And what's connected to the modem, a hub?

Yeah, it's a hub.

Me and my roommate, we'll use that for internet connection.

And then what's the wireless?

Because you should have ports on the router, though.

I don't know.

It's kind of weird.

It's a weird setup there.

I think you're doing a little more work than you have to.

Whatever works for you, man.

If it works for you, that's all that matters, right?

Yeah, it's working pretty good with me.

Well, screw it.

All right, man.

Good.

Good deal.

Keep doing it.

And any word on the Can-Can deal?

Anything with that any time soon?

Any reunion in the works that you know of?

Actually, we upgraded from Can-Can Brothers to the Lost Boys.

The Lost Boys.

That's right.

I'm sorry.

I'm in the past

But what's been up

With the Lost Boys

Are they still together

Wasn't it like

The Lost Boys

And then Emmy Rose

Also

Like it was like

Two boys and a girl

You someone else

And Emmy Rose

Um

Well

It's

We've been

Um

Sometimes

We'll have our

Fans in and out

It's still much better

Than it was before

Alright Jonathan

Well it's

You know

It's a time of change

What can I say

So how are your

All fans and listeners

We're gonna move on

My friend

Well I was gonna say

Hello to everybody

And I hope y'all have

A safe weekend

Cool

Cool. Kick ass, man.

Everyone check out Jonathan. What's your MySpace, Jonathan?

I don't have a MySpace, but I do have a Facebook.

What's your Facebook, Jonathan?

It's just look for Jonathan Jones. That's all you can look for.

Jonathan Jones on Facebook. Awesome, man.

I'll check you out over there myself, my friend. Take care of yourself.

All right. Bye-bye.

Yeehaw.

That's Jonathan, everybody.

Facebook man himself.

Hollywood Vanya needs to call in, man. Where's Hollywood?

Ah, Reclude's calling in. Reclude!

Hello?

What's up, man?

Hey, how you doing out there, radio internet land?

How you motherfuckers doing?

Oh, man, I'm good.

Typing with your right hand, motherfuckers, jagging off.

Is that what you're doing in internet radio land?

Jagging off, listening to Wrecked Dude and Carly.

Chatting each other and shit.

Fuck you all.

Hey, man.

I love you.

There's no Lonesome Loser tonight, but we got a lot of numbers to call.

I don't have any fans.

What am I talking about?

I'm a Lonesome Loser.

You're a Lonesome Loser?

I'm a Lonesome Pranker.

You're a Lonesome Loser?

Can you hear me, or are you just not?

What are you talking about?

You.

I'm fucking hearing you.

All right, yeah.

What are you talking about?

I'm just, I had to say my shit.

We had a weird exchange of conversation for a second there, man.

So I got, I got.

No, I understand, man.

Don't be ruffled up and shit.

I might have to call.

Take it easy.

Call KDK and have him hack your ass off the net.

Oh, yeah.

He's buying the rights.

I don't want him to be fucking around.

He's buying movie rights, bro.

You hear about that?

Movie rights for what?

I don't know.

Fucking a tranny?

Old movie rights.

Like horror movies, apparently.

That's what Dr. Michael said.

He said gay horror shows.

Gay horror movies.

I'm not getting any money.

Yeah

He sees you know

He is what he is

We got a lot of numbers here though

What kind of calls

You want to do

Businesses or people

I just want to do

Some calls

Where we can

We can fuck this up

Let's fuck it up

I got my dudes here

Hold on a second

Let's hear a shout out

This is my

These people in the studio

Are doing the track tonight

And shit

So let's say

This is Neek

Neek

And then that's

Fucking Digg right there

Digg

So there we go

All the same people

I hear you

I got you

No it's

No it's three people

Two of Neek

Alright

All right.

All right, let's do it, man.

Let's do it here.

All right, I got one here called Pet and Plants.

Pets and Plants.

There we go.

Where's that at?

This one's in Hawaii.

It's in Hawaii?

Yeah, it's called Pets and Plants.

I don't think we got much to do with it.

That's kind of stupid.

What's that?

I don't like that one, Pets and Plants.

I don't know where that's going to go.

It sounds fucking, it sounds, I'm kind of out of it, dude.

All right, that's fine.

Let me make the decisions here.

We're going to call Brooks Freshwater Fish, all right?

They're in Hawaii also.

Fish Place.

Freshwater Fish.

I guess they stock pools.

I don't know.

I think they stock, like, ponds and shit.

I don't know.

We'll figure it out.

We'll go anywhere.

All right, so...

All right, let's give it a try.

I don't know where we're going to go with this, but...

We're going somewhere.

Give it a stab.

All right.

What else you got?

Let's...

I don't know shit about fish and plants.

I don't know.

I got a Cajun restaurant.

I got a friendly market.

Friendly market.

All right.

Bill's Friendly Market.

Is Syndicate on that delay shit or what?

Uh, he shouldn't be.

He should be nowhere.

You're not going to do that stupid delay stuff again, are you?

No, no.

No, I just want my dudes to hear.

Yeah, you should be okay.

You should be good on Syndicate now.

Shouldn't be too bad.

Fuck Syndicate.

Call the Indian restaurant and fuck with them.

Why?

It's not people we meet.

We got people asking for Indian restaurant.

We can do Indian restaurant, too.

Milkman's sending in an Indian restaurant called the Kebab Curry Cuisine.

Call them.

Let's fuck with them first, and then we'll call this building.

There's no Google shit for Syndicate.

No.

Fucking Henry.

Let's see who's on here.

Let's read the names.

Henry Hill.

The Stern Fan Network.

Let's see who's on here.

Any camhorses tonight?

Uh, not now

It's like movies with faggots in them

Yeah

Pig Outlaw's got a movie up there

People on a fucking

There's like High Pitch or somebody

Yeah

Something like that

There's some broad

Oh, there you are

There's your fucking ugly ass

Nixon

What the hell's going on there?

Uh, it switches

Don't worry

I got some stuff going on here

I'll turn it back on

There you go

What's going on with that echo?

I don't know

You must have the shit on

There's an echo

No kidding

Alright, hey

There's an echo

Holy shit

Holy fuck

Alright, we're gonna call an Indian restaurant

Don't go anywhere, alright?

Alright, cool

Alright, here we go

What's up, man?

How you doing tonight?

Good, good.

Sweet, man.

So what's been happening?

Nothing, not much.

What are you doing today?

Not much.

Cool, man.

Just hanging out?

Just hanging out.

Dude, man, that's a sweet restaurant.

Yeah?

Yeah, so what have you been up to lately?

Busy, busy working.

That's crazy, man.

You should take a break, man.

Talk to me.

I know, I know.

You know, I'm really into, like, Indian guys.

Really?

Yeah, dude.

But I'm like, I mean, I'm like, you know, all about it, man.

man. That's what I'm into. At one point in my life, I was kind of married, but then I

went gay for a while. Really? And I got satisfaction, so. And I decided I don't like, I'm not into

white guys because they're kind of, you know, prissy and shit. I like a nice, strong Indian

guy, even if he's skinny. I like to feel his balls. I'm so into that shit. I'm telling

you, yeah, there you go. You know what I'm talking about. So what's going on? What's

your specials tonight there? Very close right now. Come on, buddy. I need to go home now.

You know what I'm saying? I mean, you sound like you're into kind of the same thing I

I tell you what, if you got a hole on the side of the restaurant, sweet, man.

So, are those the noises you're going to make when I put my dick through the hole?

No, make the other noise.

That was better.

Make that noise again, man.

That was fucking hot.

Let me hear that again.

Go, ugh.

Like Master P, be like, ugh.

Make him say, ugh.

Nah, nah, nah, nah.

If you give the number you talk to the guy, he'd probably be into this thing.

Oh, yeah?

What's going on, man?

Does he have a big Indian dick?

Believe me, so.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Put him on the phone, dude.

Dude, I'm just steaming.

You know, he's not here.

I'll give you his number.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Give me his number, man.

Hold on a second.

I'm steaming.

Okay, write down five.

Okay.

Five.

Is this a fake number you're giving me?

Because I'm pretty hard up.

No, no fucking way.

Okay, okay.

So we got five.

Tell you what, you ever need a hand job over there, I'm pretty good with that.

I'll wash windows, I'll do whatever you need.

Okay, okay.

Talk to this guy.

His name is Joe.

All right, you got real dark skin or what?

Are you light skinned in here?

Yeah, yeah.

What do you got here?

He does skin.

Yeah, there we go, man.

That's my type.

All right, type of man.

You got a lot of hair on your chest?

Yeah, talk to him.

All right, man.

Let's talk to him, man.

I'm telling you.

What's your name?

Pete.

I'm telling Pete something.

No, I won't.

I'll keep it between us.

But, I mean, if you want to, you know, we can get a little three going.

Get a little three on three action.

Talk to him.

He's really into it.

All right, he's really into it.

Sweet, man.

We'll give him a call.

Thanks a lot there.

Sweet.

He's really into it, the guy says.

So let's give him a call.

Oh, that's Joe, right?

I got the number here.

He just outed his friend over there, all right?

Yeah, he's like, he's like that fucking asshole.

Let me get his number out.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's see who it is.

All right, we're going to call it Gay Joe.

You ready, Rick?

I'm not good at talks, yes.

Hello?

Yeah.

Man, how you doing, man?

How you been?

Sweet, man.

Well, a dude gave me your number.

He said that you and I might have the same interest.

This guy named Pete.

Somewhere due to the restaurant.

Okay.

An Indian restaurant.

Something about curry.

You know what I'm talking about?

It's a guy named Pete.

Cut to the chase, dude.

Basically what he said, because he was trying to fix me up,

because, like, I was talking about, like, some gay sex,

but he says he wasn't gay, but he said he would do it, but he's married,

so he sent me your number.

Okay.

I'm really into Indian men.

He said you're into Indian drag queens or something, man,

but, I mean, I'm just a white dude, like Irish and shit,

but I like going into Indian guys.

Are you gay?

What can we do with that?

You want to come over?

Dude, what's up, man?

What's your address?

And I'll meet you at the tea shop or something if you really want.

But, I mean, if you're willing to give me your address, dude, I'm a nice dude.

Where are you now?

No, I'm down over on Main.

Don't buy the hotel, you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, I live at Western.

Western?

Western Avenue.

Yeah, Western, exactly.

That's where you're at?

Sweet, man.

So, what do you got?

Are you going to pick me up or I can take a cab?

So, do you wear, like, dresses and stuff?

I don't dress.

No, I do, though.

Did you see me during the day?

I look like a rugged man, like I work, like, construction and shit and play football.

But when it gets right down to it, man, I wear them dresses like a pro.

I'll shave my head and go the whole nine yards.

Meet you at Western?

What's that?

Yeah, I'll meet you at Western.

Where at?

Western or what?

Isn't there, like, a pretty big street?

Yeah, but there's a...

I mean, if I'm walking the corners, them cops will pick me up.

So what do you want to do?

There's a petrol pump there.

Gas station?

Yeah, a gas station.

Yeah, I can meet you there.

Hey, man, so that's what you're into, dude.

You like tall dudes?

I'm 6'1", I got a pretty big cock.

Hey, what else do you like?

Give me a little info on you, you know what I'm saying,

so I can get all worked up when I'm walking down there.

Meet me first.

Meet you first?

You're not going to fucking wall me, are you?

You're not going to shoot me or nothing?

Meet me first.

I'll meet you there.

Meet you there, what?

You're going to fucking come out there real fast or what?

I'll be down there in 10 minutes.

I'll be there.

I mean, I'm talking about 10, 15 minutes.

What are you wearing?

I'm letting white shit on us.

Can I be fucking baloney tits through that or what?

What's up, pal?

Yeah, so what do you got?

You going to wet him a little bit or what?

All right, baby, let's meet down at Western, the gas station right there, dude.

I'm going to be fucking ready.

I'm going to buy a candy bar, and I'm going to shove it up my ass and wait for you to come, you know?

Tell you what, we're going to have a good time, you and me.

I tell you what, I'm going to jizz a dot right in your head.

All right, man, I'll meet you down there in about 15 minutes, all right?

All right, 10 minutes.

I'll see you down there, baby.

All right.

Western?

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. I'll be down there with balls on.

Be fast.

I'll be real fast, but we're going to take all night when it comes to that, though.

What's your name? What's your name?

What's that?

What's your name?

What's my name? My name is Scott.

You're going to meet me down there? You're going to be wearing white blouse for me?

Wearing pants or what? You're going to be wearing shorts?

I'm wearing a white shirt and black pants.

Black pants. That sounds good. I like a guy who dresses real nice. That's good.

Where are you from originally?

India.

I could tell, but...

All right, we'll do it up, all right? You ready?

Mm-hmm.

Because you better be telling me.

I'm telling you, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to call the police.

No, I'm just kidding, man.

I'll meet you down there in 10 minutes, Western Gas Station.

Okay.

You got it, buddy.

All right, I'll be down there.

Bye-bye.

Car number.

What's that?

That's a car number.

My telephone number?

Our number.

Our number?

I'm going to be taking, I think I'm going to take a cab or I'm just going to walk.

I'll be down there

at the gas station though.

Trust me, dude.

If I've got to hitch a ride,

I'll do whatever I've got to do.

I'll see you down there

in ten minutes.

Ready, buddy?

What time is it?

All right, bye-bye.

What was that?

Is that a joke?

I don't know.

I think that guy's really a gay.

Was he asking for your card number?

No, car number.

Probably license plate number

or some shit.

That doesn't make any sense.

I think he was asking

for your car and car.

Like, I think he's a gigolo

or something.

Like, you know,

I think he gets paid for that.

I don't know, man.

That's kind of weird, right?

He's all into it.

Yeah, they were saying he was going to get everybody.

I don't know.

Is he going to fuck with me or what?

Hang on, Milkman.

Everybody has car numbers in California or something, or in L.A.?

I don't know.

Milkman says he knows.

No, no, no, no.

License.

License number.

Tag.

Tag number.

That's none of his business.

That's private information.

He doesn't need that.

I would have told him, fuck you.

The hell.

Hey, Recluda, you got the word, huh?

Grand Central.

New invites coming any day now.

I'll let you know when I get one, all right?

Yeah, you sent that to me.

I can't wait.

I'm gonna get a fucking

Cali number

Awesome dude

Yeah I'm gonna get

Yeah I just got a huge gig

Like making video content

For a group called

Mastercraft

Alright

You ever heard of them?

No never heard of Mastercraft

They're like electric dude

They got

They got a new album

With like John Legend

And fucking E-40 and stuff

Okay

Cool

So you're doing work for them?

Yeah dude

I'm doing like video stuff

They're about to go on tour

And play Coachella and shit

Oh cool Coachella

Awesome

So I mean it's gonna be

Fucking sick dude

The guys

They got all sorts of

Fucking people on their new album

It's like really crazy

Electro like club music

It's like crazy, crazy-ass shit.

Awesome, dude.

It's like up and out.

It's like really, it's kind of like raver-type shit a little bit,

but they just want guns, bitches, and money.

That's what they want videos of.

Guns, bitches, and money.

There's nothing wrong with that.

That's it, man.

That's what it sounds like.

All right, well, I'm going to have to let you go.

I've got to finish up a session.

All right, bro.

Hey, thanks for calling in, man.

All right, no problem.

Talk to you later.

All right, peace, man.

That's a record.

Hollywood, call in now, man.

Hollywood, call in now, please.

Thank you.

Yes, Hollywood, call in now.

Now, Madhouse Radio, I'm Carlito, Hollywood's on the line.

HollywoodVanya.com, what's going on, man?

Hey, buddy, you got my sandwich still there?

Oh, dude, your sandwich is nice and marinated right now, my friend.

Oh, has it got chocolate on it?

Yeah, man, how you been?

Great?

Yeah.

Okay, good.

Better than good, great.

No, better than great.

Great, okay, good, great.

I'm great.

Good for you, man.

I'm a tiger.

Yeah, someone's mentioned, Venice has mentioned cucumbers.

I've been eating a lot of cucumbers lately.

I'll tell you what, they're pretty filling, they taste pretty good,

and they have, like, almost no impact on you as far as calories and sugar is concerned.

I recommend cucumbers to anybody who's dieting.

I also recommend sugar-free jello.

Eat lots of that.

And chicken and fish.

And that's about all you should eat.

Well, turkey sandwiches, that's what I have for breakfast.

I have turkey sandwiches or I take some egg whites and I scramble some egg whites

and I eat it on some very low-carb bread that's been toasted.

That's the most carbs that I usually have in the morning.

But it's working, man.

It's working.

diabetes is under control telling you how's your diabetes not to get personal you know you're

diabetic you're type two right just like me yes cool i mean are you are you good at managing it

no no it's not cool it sucks but or do you manage it like like as well as maybe you should like do

you sneak uh mine are mine are usually in the lower hundreds upper 90s see i'm never in that

range i'm finally getting into that range though right now man i'm telling you i'm finally seeing

that I started taking these supplements

that help your body lower your glucose

directly through your muscles.

And it's, dude, I'm telling you.

Have you ever taken those cinnamon pills?

Not cinnamon pills.

This is something different.

Cinnamon pills will lower your blood sugar.

No, I put cinnamon in my coffee

because I heard it's good for diabetics.

So there you go.

Okay, anyway, we're talking about bullshit.

What do you want to do here?

You want to do some prank calls?

I got numbers from the past.

We're going into the Lonesome Loser log.

The same one that I sent you recently?

That's what we got.

Have you been doing prank calls because I wasn't able to open up those attachments you sent me?

Which ones?

You sent me two emails with attachments, right?

The video.

Yeah, the video.

Is that where they are?

Yeah, I haven't been able to open them yet because I can't get WMV to open on my cell phone,

and I haven't had a chance to sit down and check it.

Are those prank calls that you did, or what are they exactly?

No, no, no.

Those are just videos.

Okay.

All right, cool.

All right, okay.

Cool.

So you got any preference of a type of business you'd like to call?

Because I can probably find it here in this log.

It's taking me a few minutes to open it up, too.

Just do a random one, man.

Random one.

I'm going to pick a city.

Well, let me think.

What do we have in Portland?

That's on the West Coast.

You've got a shitload of them, I've confirmed.

Milkman's got a shitload of them.

Okay, I've got Cyrus Happy in Portland.

That's it.

Boom Boom Room Nightclub in Portland also.

Cheers to you.

That's a bar.

Bessie Mae Bobo in Portland also, an old lady.

Answered there.

Boom Boom Room sounds kind of fun.

Wasn't that in that movie Life?

With Martin Lawrence and Eddie Murphy.

Rising Love, that's one movie I haven't seen.

Really, dude?

That's awesome.

He keeps talking about the boom boom room

and he's going to go work in the boom boom room or something.

Or he's going to open up the boom...

You've got to watch that movie.

That's a good movie, man.

Life.

I think it's called Life.

Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence are in jail for some bullshit

and they end up living there.

They get life in prison, I think.

I think they finally get released when they're old,

but they go through a bunch of funny...

It's like set in the past.

Back when criminals were still decent.

We're looking at Portland, right?

Is that what it was?

Yeah, borderline.

I'm going to find all here.

Let's play some music here.

I understand that Chuck isn't around tonight, so I don't think he's got to go on.

If anybody else has to go on after me, let me know.

I will gladly make space for you on Syndicate.

Or if I'm boring you, if you just want to hear silence, that can be arranged also.

Hello.

Good day.

My name is Jay.

Okay, here we go.

Yes, Mr. Jay.

All right, that call's coming right up.

The Boom Boom Room, Portland, Oregon.

Don't go anywhere.

I need your passport as well.

Thank you.

Your room number is 545.

Thank you.

I'll be getting some important phone calls.

You know, I noticed Rekli got off here pretty quick.

I think he was heading out Western Avenue.

I am bisexual.

I'm fabulous.

He's gonna be Joe.

Jesus.

All right, that didn't work.

Boom, boom, here.

Tell me about it.

I got a feeling a lot of these businesses have now gone out of business.

I think it's just a sad fact of the way we live right now, man.

Isn't that crazy how things have gotten?

It's sad.

I keep waiting for things to get better, man.

I don't see a bottom.

Welcome to Reaganomics.

Has the Dow kept dropping?

I mean, has the stock market kept dropping in the last two days?

I know two days ago it was like around 5,000 or 4,000.

Has it gotten up?

Has it stabilized at all, or is it still dropping every day?

I think they said that it was stabilizing on Yahoo today.

Okay, that's good.

Good.

I'd like to see it at least stop dropping, or just slow down a little bit.

Please, thank you.

That'd be nice.

Hasn't it lost a third of its value in the last year, if not less time than that?

I mean, come on.

All right, you got that open?

Are we still working on it?

Yes, I got it.

Okay.

Oh, we got a voicemail.

We got a voicemail on the Grand Central line.

Hang on, let me check that there.

All right.

Let's see if we can cue that up.

Hang on, everybody.

Breaking news.

Well, let's see.

We got to make sure.

If it's only like, you know, a second long, that means I just clicked.

I'm checking that now, sir.

Oh, it's one minute and seven seconds long.

Okay.

Hollywood.

Oh, it's Mark from Lucille.

Oh, I'll listen.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, hold on the line.

Maybe put yourself.

I'll put you on mute and go listen.

Are you ready?

10-4.

Oh, here we go.

Any second now, folks.

We're listening to that.

Do I have to log in?

No, I don't.

Here we go.

And it's not playing.

I don't think he left a silent message.

SB Beach?

I don't know what they're doing in the background here.

Sounds like Joe.

I think Joe's looking for a reclude, yeah.

Well, reclude bashed off real quick.

I guess the guy was taking it seriously.

Hollywood, it's too quiet.

I think it was the gay guy looking for reclude, the gay Indian.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, the gay Indian.

What's his car number?

The car number, yeah, okay.

I thought he was asking for his phone number, I thought.

I don't know.

I thought it was card number.

I thought he was asking for his visa or something.

Like he's going to run his transaction first, you know.

I've got to call you back at your hotel room first.

And give me your landline first, baby.

I'll give you a landmine, please.

What's your Twitter?

To everybody who's listening right now, twitter.com slash Hollywood Vanya.

Hollywood Vanya, yeah.

H, Hollywood Vanya.

Okay, it looks like DTT got on Twitter today for the first time.

Congratulations, DTT, joining the Twitter family.

One way, one way.

Hey, we got a hacker on there now.

Don't forget, I've got my website out there, too.

It's HollywoodVanyaPranks.com.

Now, why didn't you do the Hollywood Pranks?

Because that's nice and easy.

Because people don't know how to do Vanya, you know, so easily.

Yeah, well, it just kind of happened.

Okay.

All right, man.

Well, think about it.

If you get a chance.

Yeah, I'm thinking Hollywood pranks is a great idea.

Why it too, why it too.

Okay, well, hey, let's do another prank call.

Oh, good.

Let's see who we got here.

Or if you see, do you see anything there on your end, on your list?

Yeah, the same one I'm looking at.

There's a German restaurant in Portland, Oregon.

You don't have an international card, so.

I don't.

That I do not.

There's a place called Booyah Juice.

I think that's like a juice place.

Yeah, okay.

Well, duh, of course.

There's a German restaurant here also.

There's a Kinko's.

Always a favorite.

Denny's, Uncle Vinny's Pizza.

All right.

Well, let's do the juice place first then.

Okay.

That'll work.

Juice.

Not the Lego store.

Booyah juice, everybody.

Don't go anywhere.

Work.

Here came Darryl.

What else did we talk about here?

What else did we discuss?

German restaurant.

I forgot what else.

The Yeo Village.

I'm in England.

Who?

Yeo Village.

Oh.

Yeo Village.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Yeah, I miss...

You know, it's funny, calling those hotels in England is funny sometimes, too.

I really need to get on this phone car thing.

I had one.

I think they had more minutes in it still.

Lonesome Losers sent it to me, but I lost those logs in my last computer crash.

I don't think I have those saved anywhere.

I might have them saved.

I'll give it a shot.

You had a couple of them in the log, though.

Did I?

They're probably dead by now, though.

Yeah, they're probably dead.

Yeah, those are, I mean, those are so old.

Yeah.

If they're not, they're just...

Are those rechargeable, though?

I'm not sure.

I need to find a good, you know, rechargeable international phone card with good rates,

at least to England and the English-speaking countries.

That's all I really need.

Or I just need to get on Skype.

Or I've got to look into this Google thing,

because apparently Google's got the shit coming out here when it comes to international calling.

Yeah, I read that today.

What did you send out?

Yeah, you need to get a few numbers for, you know, for spoof tell, you know, for spoof card, you know.

I'm going to get myself a New York area code, you know.

I want to get the 212 area code, you know, and stuff.

I want to get, you know, common, funny ones.

I got a Miami one now, 305.

I think that's pretty cool, but...

Anyway, okay, here we go.

Let's do...

Kansas.

It's central.

It's 1202.

Yeah, we got to do West Coast here.

Denny's.

There's a Denny's.

I know they'll be open for sure.

Uncle Vinny's Pizza might be open.

Let's call Denny's.

I mean, we could fuck with Denny's.

You feeling okay for that?

Oh, yeah.

Denny's.

Here we go, man.

Here we go.

This will be for Maven.

I think Summer's going to be looking for a job.

Awesome.

Gotta love Summer.

So hot.

So sexual.

Thanks for calling Denny's. Can I help you?

Uh, yes. I'm sorry. Um, are you guys taking applications right now?

Um, I don't think we're hiring, but you could fill out an application.

I just got fired from my job, and, uh, I can't believe this happened.

What can I do? Do you have any openings at all?

Um, not that I know of, but you could fill out an application.

I've been stripping for seven years. I just cry.

I don't know what else to do.

but I don't know if we're hired.

I'm going to keep it on file.

I work at night, so I don't know if you're going to have any luck finding the job this evening.

How do I get there?

You know what I mean?

Maybe you should get some rest and get up early tomorrow and apply.

No, I can't.

I can't.

Why?

Because I always work at night, and I just, just because.

I know, it's hard.

Yeah, I need to be up all night, too.

Because I wouldn't go down on the owner.

Well, set your alarm.

Tell the owner there that I will not go down on people.

I do not do that.

Why don't you come by tomorrow and get an application?

Why can't I come by tonight?

We don't want to cry all night because your eyes will be swollen.

I know, I know.

I can use makeup, though.

I'll cover it up.

Well, no, no, because when you cry all night, then your eyes are swollen in the morning,

and you can't really fill out an application anymore.

Oh, well, stop crying.

If I come in and fill an application out, I don't have any other clothes.

I'm in my stripper clothes. Is that okay?

Well, I mean, I don't want to tell you if it's okay, because I just work here.

How long have you been there?

I've only been here since August.

Not anybody.

You're somebody, sweetheart.

I know, but probably if you stop crying and you try to get some sleep, you could apply for a job tomorrow.

What's your name?

What's your name, sweetheart?

I'm Jeannie.

Jeannie?

Oh, that's such a beautiful name.

I'll go home tonight and I'll dream of Jeannie, okay?

Okay, well, why don't you get some sleep and then fill out an application tomorrow when you feel better?

Can I get your number, Jeannie?

No.

Can I call you tomorrow at your house?

Well, just call Denny's and see if they're...

Oh, I don't feel comfortable with anybody.

I'm comfortable with you already, Jeannie.

Well, I know, but I'm a loser.

I work at Denny's.

You're saying if I come to work at Denny's, I'll be a loser, too?

You're making me feel bad.

I'm dying.

Yeah, you don't want to work here.

It's Denny's.

It's horrible.

I cuss every day I have to come here.

Why don't you make a cup of hot tea and go to bed?

Can I come stay with you tonight, Jeannie?

No, absolutely not.

It's a total prank.

I don't want to be alone.

Well, because I felt bad for a while, and now they're like...

I don't want to be alone, Jeannie.

Judy, can I talk to someone else, please?

Yeah, hold on one second.

James, hi.

Mike, my friend's apparently trying to get a job there.

And she's been told that if she gets a job there, she'll be a loser.

I don't understand what's going on here.

She just lost her job tonight, and she is extremely, extremely upset because of the circumstances.

And I just don't understand why she's being called a loser if she's going to try to get a job there.

I don't think anybody said that.

I was actually listening on the other section, and this young woman, Jeannie,

well, this young lady, Jeannie, just said that she's a loser because she works at Denny's,

implying that my friend, Summer, would be a loser if she came and got a job there at Denny's.

What is going on here?

And your name is James?

We may have a lawsuit on our hands.

This is a defamation of character, sir.

Do you know what that means?

Yes, I do.

I have a degree in human resource management, so yes, I understand the complaint.

Great. So you understand exactly what I'm talking about, right?

I do.

Okay.

Well, my friend Summer is going to need to come there and fill an application out,

and she's being told these different things.

Now, she's saying if she comes in there while she's been crying to fill an application out,

she probably will not get the job.

Is that correct?

If she were to come in emotionally distraught, it would probably not help her case, no.

Okay, well, and the only other thing is she doesn't have any other clothes right now,

so she sent her previous work clothes, which she was a stripper.

It's simple. She'll basically be in a thong and electrical tape.

Is that going to be a problem, James?

Oh, that's a problem.

Okay.

Why does she not have any other clothes?

Because she lives about an hour and a half away, and she wants to start looking for another job right now.

This is probably not the king.

Why not?

I mean, well, because you can turn in applications, but none of the people in charge of hiring are going to be.

You're not listening to me.

Okay.

You're not listening to what I'm saying, okay?

All she's going to do is come there and fill the application out.

Hang on. Do you want to talk to her?

Certainly.

All right, hang on.

Summer, come over here.

This guy's name is James, and I believe he's the manager.

He seems to be a level-headed gentleman, so please just kind of straighten up and do not cry.

Wipe your...

Okay.

James, here she is.

Hang on.

James?

Yes, it is.

Okay.

I'm very sorry about being emotionally distressed.

I'm going to come there, fill the application out.

Now, will you have a pen there for me?

Yes, I will.

Well, we have some stress, so that's...

Because I don't have anywhere really to put a pen right now.

Okay, I'm going to have my friend Vanya drop me off.

I may have to stay there tonight, but I'll just stay in the back.

And in the morning, I'll go and put...

Okay, the only problem is we do close at 1 a.m. here, so...

That's okay. I can sleep there tonight. It's no problem.

No, we can't have everybody stay here overnight.

You understand? We close the doors. Everybody has to leave at 1 a.m.

I can come home with you then. Is that okay? Do you have a couch?

Unfortunately, I live quite a distance away.

That's okay.

I mean, I'll be happy to stay in the back seat.

Can I just sleep in your trunk?

No, I'm afraid we can't allow that.

Who's that?

That would be my wife and I.

Well, I mean, she won't have to know.

I'll stay in the trunk.

She'll never know.

No, I don't think so.

That's not going to be possible.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no.

I think I'm going to start crying again.

Could it happen to me, James?

Oh, you'll find a son.

Don't even worry about it.

How can you be so sure?

Because just by talking to you, I can tell you're a resourceful person.

I'm not a resourceful.

I know how to strip.

That's all.

If I come there, can I strip for you and make some extra money tonight?

I'm afraid not.

What about your customers?

Can I do some table dancing?

Nope, not here.

Please?

Nope.

The company probably wouldn't allow that.

The crowd's not helping either, is it?

Can you hold on just one moment, please?

James, don't go, please.

Please don't go.

Let's go, go, go.

On, please.

Thank you.

Are we still on?

Is this Ryan?

Hello?

Hello, yeah.

I'm looking for Ryan, please.

I'm afraid you've got the wrong number.

No, this is the Denny's, right?

Yes, it is.

Ryan is one of the customers there.

I'm looking for him.

It's very important that I speak with him, please.

I'm sorry.

We've only got two customers in the place, and neither of them answers to Ryan.

Are you sure?

Yes, I am.

Okay, maybe Ryan's his middle name.

Can you maybe ask if somebody knows who Summer is, please?

Okay, hold on.

Just a moment.

Hey, hey, is this James?

Yes, it is.

How are you doing tonight, James?

Do you remember me?

No, I don't.

I was the one that was touching your cock the other night.

Do you remember when you liked that?

No, I don't think I do.

Maybe it was different James then.

I don't know.

Are you the...

Must have been.

Are you sure?

Oh, I'm quite certain.

Are you going to make me come there and help you, sir?

No, I don't think so.

Okay, can I touch mine right now just to keep myself warm and cozy?

Why, you most certainly may.

It's a free country.

Live how you want to live.

Well, start talking dirty to me or something, would you please?

I've got my pants down now and my underwear is down to my knees.

Ready?

Go ahead and start talking.

I don't know what a dirty boy I am.

Yes, please.

Oh, let's see.

Mud, filth, grime, grease.

Oh, baby, you're turning me on.

Sock, smog, soot.

Dirty enough for you?

I am.

Thank you very much.

I'm starting to hear the dirty devil.

Damn it

I was so willing to drop that on him

Who placed the call

One

Leroy Brown

Pastor Brown

Do it

Oh, I don't have his

Let's see if I got Brown

I don't know

I think it's on here

Oh, wait a minute

I think I just saw it

I think it said Reverend Leroy Brown

Hang on

Hang on, let's see

Reverend Lee

Here we go, I got it

In Detroit, Michigan

Home of the ghetto

All right, cool

You want to call Dr.

Dr.

The Reverend Dr. Leroy Brown

Yeah

All right

All right, an old black guy.

We talked to him before, actually.

What's that prank call called?

Is it called White Devil?

Yeah.

Oh, no, that White Devil was the one that you and...

Zolar did.

I rebuke you.

Yeah, I rebuke you.

I rebuke you.

All right, we'll play that while we set it up.

We're calling this guy back here, guys.

Yeah.

Come over and help me.

Where you at?

I'm doing me and Roger.

Leroy Brown?

Yes, it is.

How you doing, nice?

My name is Eric, and I'm having some little bit of issues over here,

and I was wondering if you could give me a little bit of maybe something new.

What did you have?

I'm trying to get my mom to go into that kitchen and maybe eat some pie.

And she just won't do it.

She won't listen to me.

Who is that?

Your mom?

Who is your mom?

Mrs. Cartman.

Mrs. Cartman?

Yeah.

Do I know her?

She'll be talking to you, okay?

Hang on.

Okay.

Where'd she go to?

Made me do stuff, but he got me up in the middle of the night.

And he tried to get me to do some stuff, and I ain't going to lie.

I ain't getting out the big door.

What's going on with these young boys, huh?

We're going to talk to God about that, all right?

All right.

Over there.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

One, to listen to your...

Damn it.

I wanted to put this on.

He knew it was us.

You know, one of the things we could do is call Ms. Bonnie.

Remember that one?

Bonnie.

Ms. Bonnie.

We're revisiting Ms. Bonnie.

Yeah.

At least he picks up.

That's a good sign, man.

Mm-hmm.

Who else do we have here under Brown?

Let's take a look here.

Yeah, Redmond Lodge in Brownwood, Texas.

Charlie Brown's Club.

We've got the Brown Bag Burger in Arizona.

They might be open still.

A

white female escort named Blush.

Hey.

Oh, no, those are super old escorts.

No, that won't work.

We could try Hey Milkman.

You want to try to call Nautica?

Remember Nautica from back in the day?

Oh, my God, yeah, Nautica.

42D3840 are her measurements.

Foot-foot.

Oh, yeah.

Six-foot, 220 pounds, brown hair, brown eyes.

A big, black, beautiful woman.

Bam.

She was a black escort.

She got out of the game, but we prank called her a lot early in the history of the show.

I don't know if you ever heard those calls there.

I don't remember those.

Those are classic.

Nautica calls her funny.

Yeah, that lady is a trip.

I wish I could find them.

I know they're out there.

You call that apartment and all the people on the phone?

Yeah, this one time we called and she's having a fight in the background with, like, her pimp or one of her johns or something like that.

Was she really?

He wanted her to move in with him.

And she's like, I ain't coming in.

I did that one time and messed it up for everybody.

Fuck that.

I don't want no nigga laying up on my couch.

Yeah, he was like, I'll be heated.

And she got on the line.

I think I do have that.

I think it's called Black Escort Gets Heated.

I think that's what it is.

I thought it was

Or maybe Escort gets heated

I could swear that I have her

Anyway, we could try

I doubt there's a number of rings for her anymore

But maybe it'll ring somebody else

And maybe they know

Whatever happened to our beautiful Nautica

Hang on, we'll set that up now

Hang on, don't go anywhere

All right, rec

We got Hollywood

My bad

Hey, anybody else in my house

I'm talking about one person right here

And that person for the rest

Okay, stay in your car

You like listening to me on the phone?

Yeah

Yeah, well, what's up?

Well, I'm trying to get some business

And you're up there

All up on your business

What happened, Nautica?

You said you're calling me from block number.

I didn't know a block number.

What you need to do is hang up, push star 82, and call me back.

No, I did already, though.

You told me.

But I'm not going to leave.

Look, hey, I heard your whole conversation.

Don't make me call the police.

What kind of police is this?

Yeah, you know what's up.

Yeah, I got you.

All right, I'll leave it.

I'm going to blackmail you.

Oh, I'm so scared.

Whatever.

You want a trick?

You want to pop on my arm a damn black number?

Look, bitch.

I'm talking to you, bitch.

He's going to blackmail me.

I'm talking to you, bitch.

I'm talking to you.

He called me, so apparently he was trying to spin cash on the get-go.

Yo, I'm talking to you.

You there?

You ready?

Come on, baby.

Yeah, what's up?

Well, go on.

Since you know who I am, come on.

Who are you talking to?

Jordan.

Yeah, why not?

Bueno, how are you?

¿Quién habla?

Eh, Valente.

¿Cómo está?

Hello.

It's Valente.

I'm calling back from the apartment complex maintenance department.

Departamento de mantenimiento.

¿Comprende?

I need you to flush the toilet for me, please.

Baje el inodoro.

Sí, flusho the toilet.

Por favor, señora.

Ah, ¿qué quiere, no?

Por favor.

Adelante.

Vete al baño, por favor, y mira a ver si está funcionando.

Que vaya.

Sí, necesito que vaya al baño y atente a fluyear su inodoro, por favor.

No, we are seeing

Nosotros vemos en la línea

Hay un problema con la línea

Hay un bloque

I think someone put a sandwich in the toilet

And tried to flush it

Flush the toilet

Please, now

Please, flush your toilet now

No, no, señora

Necesito que tú

Flusha su toilet, por favor

There's a block in the toilet system

In the line

Do you understand?

Where are you talking?

In the toilet

Yes, in the toilet, please

I'm in the toilet, please

Go to the toilet

but I screwed that one up.

She asked me in Spanish where I'm coming from.

I'm calling from, and I'm saying I'm calling from the toilet.

She's like, in the toilet?

I know our English speakers don't know really what I was talking about,

but that was kind of funny for me.

Where are you calling from, from the toilet?

From the toilet.

All right.

I think Senor Pedro got a kick out of that, our Spanish speakers.

Our Spanish podcast listeners are all one of them.

We'll get a kick out of that one.

that was pretty funny

there you go

there's your international

no flushing

flushing

he's like

no sir I'm sorry

I think you got the wrong number

I'm like

no no no

turn the toilet

there we called the feminists

and they said

they had a flush

a tampon down there

and no

it was a turkey sandwich

yeah

perfect system

trying to tell her

we got a near perfect system

sidekick chuck reports

you'll probably

stay on as long as you want

I gotta head out

so stay logged in all night

if you want

great show bro

alright so

sidekick chuck

confirming

will not be here tonight

abandoning us. I gotta get to bed eventually

though. Oh, you have to work

tomorrow, don't you? Yeah, man, I work

tomorrow. Tomorrow's a big day for me tomorrow

because tomorrow's the day that I pay off

my honeymoon. I'm looking forward

to that. Dude, I've been doing... You're paying off your honey

tomorrow? My honeymoon? No, the honeymoon,

you know, for... You finally got her paid off, huh?

Yeah, I finally got this one.

I got the dowry all taken care of,

man. Long to you now.

She's mine. I have

brought the woman.

Oh, shit, well...

Remember the Blues Brothers?

How much for the little girls?

Yeah.

Your women.

How much for your women?

All right, let me see what else is blinking here.

You want to do a few more pranks, or you got to get going?

Yeah, man.

All right, I'll do a few more.

Any ideas?

You throw a word at me.

I'll look for a word.

Here's a...

I got Circle K, Dunkin' Donuts.

I'm just browsing through here.

The Egyptian Tea Room.

I remember calling that.

That was a long one.

That was a long time ago, but I remember that.

Black Hawk Limousine.

Milkman, you remember Black Hawk Limousine?

Black Hawk Limousine

That's where we got a hold

Of that Samoan guy

You remember that

Yeah the Samoan guy

Samoan kid

Yeah

He wants to call him back

Yeah

That was a long time ago

Jack Valente

He started listening to the show

That was one of the first

Jack Valente calls

There's a Hooters there

Fatty's Bar

I think I remember

Calling them

Hooters is probably

Closed now though

Yeah

Well it depends

Where are they

Colorado

Yeah they're closed by now

It's too late for that

Turkish Cuisine

Gotta look for like

Late numbers here

Let me look for

No that doesn't

Doesn't make any sense.

I can't search by time.

Planet Gyro in Montana.

Oh, the Eero deaths.

Remember those?

Yeah, the Eero deaths.

I was looking for the first one.

I can't find it.

I could just find the last one.

The call number two?

Yeah, let me try it again.

Gyro, that's where Jack Madison dies.

Gyro underscore two is where Jack dies.

Gyro of death.

Yeah, see, all that comes up is Gyro death sandwich.

That's why.

Here we go.

There we go.

I found it now.

I'm going to cue that up.

I'm going to play that here.

Okay, look.

Seriously, we've got to do something here.

What are you thinking?

It's called Donuts.

We could do almost a Samba Donut type tag team thing.

There you go.

Winchell's Donuts and Pastries.

No.

Jamaican Grill.

I've got all kinds of Denny's here I can check.

Denny's?

Are they open 24?

Huh?

Denny's are open 24 hours a year.

Yeah.

Didn't we call and confirm one?

Yeah.

Already called one.

Okay, here's Dunkin' Donuts.

Here we go.

We've got a Dunkin' Donuts and a Baskin Robbins.

They're in Hodgkins, Illinois.

Illinois. These are all 24 hours for the most part.

They're supposed to be. Alright, this is one of those

combo ones. I can't have any...

I really wish they'd come out with a sugar-free

donut by now. I mean, really, guys. Come on.

What's going on here? Sugar-free glazed

donut. Not a ton of donuts. I don't know.

The

sugar-free donuts are the donut holes.

Yeah. They come out of the actual donuts.

Yeah. The little part in the middle. Right, yeah.

Well, still, we've got to come up with a sugar-free

glaze. And on top of that, I wanted to

mention, I read an article, and it talked about

Circuit City going out of

business and it said the top

five. I think the one here in Dallas is still open.

Is it really? One of them, yeah.

I heard that they all officially close on Sunday

for the last time, I think. I don't know.

Maybe. It might be outletting still.

But it

had this article listed that the

top five companies that are

that may not make it through

2009. Sirius

was on there and

Krispy Kreme. Blockbuster was on there too, wasn't it? Yeah, Blockbuster

was on there, yeah. And Krispy Kreme was on there also.

Did I send that one to you? Did you find that one?

I don't know

Yeah you told me

A while back

Yeah yeah

Blockbush was on there

I know Krispy Kreme

Was on there for sure

Also

And I did realize

There were a lot of

Krispy Kremes here

That came up in Orlando

All of a sudden

Now there's only one

Left in town

Or you gotta go all the way

Out to Daytona Beach

It's weird

You can blink

Without seeing one

In the Dallas-Fort Worth area

Really

It was like that

Here in Orlando

But they all closed

Except for like

Two or three in town

They're all desperate

There was a while

They were like

It was everywhere

They were so over expanding

They were just trying

To be the Dunkin' Donuts

Now Dunkin' Donuts

Is everywhere

And they're successful, and they're in every corner here.

So, go figure.

Oh, big welcome back also to Turd Burglar.

He's back.

Where is he, in the chat room now, or is he in the forums?

No, he's not in the chat room.

He was in the forums.

He was going to try to make it tonight, but he said he had a lot of work to do.

Oh, man.

His department just didn't slap him.

Yeah, I get worried about him, because he got in trouble once already for doing prank calls and work found out.

He prank called the competition of his work or something like that, and they got pretty pissed off at him.

They called back

And he lost his job

That's when he ended up

Going to the army

Like he had to leave

Like it was pretty bad

Yeah

I really want to find that

What is it

Is it madhouseradio.freeforms.org

Is that the link

That I got set up here

Hang on

I don't know

I gotta go to the forums

I haven't been there all week

You sound like you're smoking

I can't stop coughing

Yeah dude

I don't know

You drinking something

Or you sick

Uh uh

Nope

Okay

There you are

All my chocolate vodka's gone

Oh shit

Can't have that

You're diabetic

Alright Dunkin Donuts

Come on

Let's get to it

One or two more prank calls

or are we going to get out of here, man?

All right.

MadhouseRadio.FreeForums.org.

There we go.

That's what I thought it was.

Good man.

Gold star for you.

Ding.

It is under Madhouse News.

You hear it here first.

Hey, Donut, Baskin.

Can I help you?

Yes, hello.

How fresh are your donuts tonight?

When is the last time you make donuts?

Huh?

When is the last time you make donuts?

How fresh are they tonight?

Okay, donuts coming in nighttime, 2 or 3 o'clock.

You want to touch me at 3 o'clock?

I'll be there please

You want me to come at 3 o'clock

And you touch me okay

You come 3 o'clock

Oh I come 3 o'clock

I'll come all over you okay

Okay how many you want on it

How many you have

It's morning time coming I don't know

How many you want

I come whenever you want me to

Huh

When you want me to come

Whatever time

That's funny you heard me like

Let's do one more

Let's call Dunkin Donuts

On East 8 Mile Road

In Detroit

Capital of the ghetto

Alright

And then after that

I gotta go

Because it's almost 2

And I have to be at work

At 8 tomorrow

Do you find that

With diabetes

You have to pee a lot

Dude yeah

That's one of the biggest things

That was the first symptom

That hit me

I was like dude

I'm peeing all the time

And I'm constantly thirsty

I keep drinking

Mountain Dew and Coke

And I can't get rid

Of this thirst

I keep drinking

Sugary soda

Yeah do you

Do you find that

It's a sweet smell

No, no, I never found the sweet smell.

I was going to say, what are you doing smelling your pee?

I'm not smelling my pee.

It does have a taste to it, though, a little sweet.

Oh, good.

No, no.

Recycling, I love that.

No, I'm kidding.

You've gone green.

I did notice that there were a lot of ants hanging out on my toilet, like crawling all over it,

and I was like, hmm, something's up.

Yeah, I have them with me, too.

My uncles were, oh, hopefully, are you all right?

No, shit, no.

The keyboard stand here is loose, and I put some weight on it and it came loose.

Here we go.

We'll see.

That keyboard stand has been through hell.

Put my old cock on there, you know, and I knocked it down.

It was too much for it.

My old cock.

Hi, Daddy.

Your old one.

All right.

I guess your wife got your new one, huh?

Yeah, she took it.

She got it in the drawer.

My real one.

Okay, let's call that last Dunkin' Donuts.

This one's on the 8 Mile, home of Eminem and all them guys.

Proof.

D12, D12, 30 dozen.

Yeah, man, what's going on?

I'm doing great, man.

Hey, how fresh did your donuts be?

I don't know.

It's fresh enough. When's the last time you made them, man?

I want them. Are they still hot?

They're still hot, man?

Yo, listen to me.

Yeah, hello, man. Are they still hot?

Look at this, man. How many people I got to talk to?

I'm going to find out how fresh are you donuts?

We don't have fresh donuts right now until 4 o'clock in the morning.

Okay, well, can you... Are they still hot right now?

Not hot.

What kind of glaze you put on them, man?

What kind of glaze you put on them?

What kind of glaze? We don't make it yet. They bring it in.

All right, hey, hey, I got a great idea, man.

I can make some money.

You can make some money on the side.

I'm going to save you some money, all right?

Here's what I'm going to do.

You know the donuts, the regular donuts, the holes in the middle?

I got this plan, man.

Here's what we're going to do.

I am.

I don't have no time, okay?

No, listen.

Listen to me.

I'm a crack shot with a gap, man.

I was going to shoot the donuts.

To place a call.

One.

To listen.

I was going to shoot the donuts.

That's good.

Throw them up in the air.

I don't miss one.

Dude, it just reminds me of

I did a prank call recently

I don't know if you caught it

But it was a Starbucks, the free valet

A Starbucks one, do you remember that?

Did you hear that one at all?

Not yet, no

It was off, I don't know if you ever saw Trigger Happy TV

But this one time they had a black guy

It was like a wife beater

And he had written on it

Like a scrawled magic marker

It said valet

And it was at a liquor store

Like an ABC liquor store

And this white guy parks his car

And this black guy comes up to him

And he's like

Hello Mr. Customer

Now at the liquor store

We have valet parking

Can I have your keys

So I can park your car

And the white guy's like

Oh no

And the black guy's like

Oh come on man

I'll park it really good for you

He's like

Yeah okay

Right

Sure yeah

Let me give you

So I did a prank call

Where I said I was at Starbucks

And I got that offer

And I couldn't find my car

and I had to take the bus to work, and I was calling to sue him, et cetera, et cetera.

We all had a laugh, and we laughed and laughed, Hollywood.

Hollywood, when are you going to start doing the prank calls again?

I'm dying here.

I so wish you could do it again.

I will try to get started back on it.

I got in trouble at work for doing them.

Oh, did you?

That was one of the big things, yeah.

Oh, man.

I was in there one day, and I forgot what call it was,

but I laughed out loud, so loud.

out, and my boss came in and said, what in the world is going on here?

Oh, my God.

And he saw I had all these different screens up.

Uh-huh.

Oh, he was like, dude, look, if you're going to do this, you need to do this somewhere

else.

Oh, really?

He said, all right, no, no, no, that's cool.

So I had to stop doing them.

Oh, well, I'll try to get some done during the week.

Nah, don't do them now.

They'll do all work.

I don't want you to get in trouble and lose your job, man.

No, no, no, no, no, not there.

Okay, all right, good, good, good.

Check your G-Talk, Aaron.

Yeah, but I found out I had a new system of doing it.

It was kind of working out, but it's really complicated.

You just do such a good job.

Hang on, Baz just said he'd help isolate some pranks.

Who was that?

Baz.

Oh, really?

Baz.

That's right.

Baz did offer me.

You know, I sent the call for help.

You know, I didn't want you to think I was, like, trying to replace you,

because my main intent is you could do it.

No, no, not at all, man.

Yeah, I know.

It's not easy to do.

Baz did say that.

And Kokanee wants to help out with some other stuff, too.

But, yeah, I got the plans for, like, this militia idea, you know,

for some volunteers for the Madhouse show

so we can start penetrating, you know.

That's great.

I really would like to start doing those video things, too, man.

We were talking about it a little while back.

Oh, yeah.

We're going to do, like, a video series on how to do prank calls.

That's right, yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, I think that would be interesting.

We should totally do that.

We'll put it on YouTube and make, you know,

we'll set up a channel, you know, just for that

and make episodes and all that.

That'd be kind of cool.

Cool.

All right, man.

Well, I'm going to head out.

It's almost 2 for me.

All right.

Hey, thanks for calling in, man.

It's good talking to you.

We'll see everybody.

Alright, peace out.

That's Hollywood.

Bye-bye.

Yes, Milkman.

Yeah, Hollywood.

Check your G-Talk, man.

I just confirmed one last one for you.

Check your G-Talk.

Check your G-Talk, man.

Come on, man.

I gotta take a shit.

No, I gotta go to sleep.

Seriously, what's this?

Okay, Express Electrical Service, 24-7.

A tired guy answered.

Just confirmed.

Okay, last one of the night, Milkman.

That's it.

No more.

That's up, Milkman.

Motherfucker.

Hello.

electrical service hello hello there is this the electrical service please yeah it's electrical

service what i can do for you i need some resistors you guys got those resistors yeah i think you have

to call to some supply well no what do you do there buddy what do you do with electrics electrical

service okay well come here i need you to bring some resistors and make some resistance

in my breaker box breaker box resistance what's the problem tell me the resistance is too low

I need more resistance in my electrical circuit.

What's the problem? Can you explain to me what's the problem?

I came into the house, and it's not like the things aren't going.

So I did a diagnostic, and it says that I need to increase the amount of resistance.

Who gave you this diagnostic?

The computer machine, my diagnostic machine I got from you guys.

You connect, and it does a diagnostic check.

Do you want to schedule an electrician for tomorrow?

I need an on-call person.

person. I need the on-call. This is an emergency.

This needs to be done now. I need more

resistance over here right now. Please, I need

resistance. Please.

You need dedicated line

for your computer equipment

or what? No, I need to make

more resistance than the electrical machine.

On your electrical machine? Yes.

What electrical machine are you talking about?

You go like this.

You know on the wall,

it has the door thing. You pull open

the door. Sir, call us in the morning.

No, sir, this is an emergency.

and it says here that you do 24-hour service,

so don't give me the runaround.

Okay, my electrician will be there right now.

Where is he going to go?

Where are you going to send him?

Where are you going to send him, you horse's ass?

Where are you going to send him, you bastard?

Send him, you bastard.

Bastard.

He's still there.

Bastard.

I don't know what you're going to do with Sam.

You bastard motherfucker.

You bastard.

You can hear me.

You are a bastard.

Phone guy.

Deal with him later.

Apparently, this is...

There's four other ones in here, too, man.

I think I'm hearing that apparently Google might have already opened the door up for the Google voice system.

Not yet, but apparently they're going to be offering international numbers also.

I think I might take out a number in the U.K.

Why not, right?

Oh, no, it says it's not currently possible to select an international number

or forward your calls to international numbers.

So that's not an option.

Okay, well, that sucks.

But still, hey, you know what?

We can get domestic numbers.

So, yeah, for sure, Milkman, you know, once I get invites, if you can't just sign up, if it's invite only still, I will definitely send you a few.

I'll send Tuck one.

I told Lonesome Loser I'd send him a three.

We'll put my numbers around, dude, and we'll save him, man.

Yeah, I got a guy, a friend of mine at work.

He wants me to send him an invite or two.

He needs a number from where he used to work.

Yeah, I want to get a Cali number.

Yeah, you do need to get a Cali number, dude, so I could call that, and then you have a forward, you know, to your...

Yeah.

I don't know if it'll work.

You give it a shot.

I don't know if they'll let you forward it to Virgin Island's number.

You heathen.

Milkman, please take us out of here.

I got to go.

All right.

Funky Chimes, white boy.

Funky Chimes.

All right.

Yeah, man.

Funky Chimes, man.

I give you 98.6 miles, man.

Well, I'm sure glad that y'all joined us, man, because I had a hell of a good time, man.

It was an awesome show, wasn't it?

Kick ass, man.

Hollywood banjo, DJ Glowworm, recluse, man.

The stars keep rolling.

Oh, my God, my new favorite star, Maven.

Yeah, baby.

She called in finally.

Man, we had a great show tonight, man.

Jonathan called in.

Thanks a lot, everybody, for joining in.

Dr. Lego.

You believe it, man.

Lego, the craziest quick car in the world.

That's right, man.

Well, I'll tell you what, all our friends over there at Syndicate,

we thank you so much for joining in, man.

We love you, Dino and the boys.

Thank you for joining us.

We hope that you had as good a time as we did, especially all of our friends right there in the mouth.

98.6 in the mouth.

Thanks a lot, man.

Everybody join in tonight.

Baz, MSD, Clay, Venison, Hollywood, Banja.

Yeah.

Kokanee, that's right.

We love you guys.

Lonesome Loser, mission in action, but not forgotten.

We love you, brother.

We look for your return.

We tried to hold out for you, and we hope we did you well.

and you enjoyed it as much as we did.

Now, you out there, our listeners,

we want to tell you something.

It's all about you.

We love you.

We do this every week.

We drop the dime.

We just ask that you give us a little bit of your time, man.

Send us your friends.

Better yet, send us your enemies

and we will entertain Madhouse style.

That's right.

The stylings of the General Lee Seymour, the Madhouse, man.

And our hermanito, Carlito the Generalissimo.

God bless him, man.

Thank you so much for busting my gut again, man, hermano.

I love you, brother.

Oh, that's right.

We'll be re-fried.

I got it down.

Listen, listen.

Shut up, Muffman, for a second.

Oh, yeah, I almost had it.

Shut up.

Oh, yeah, I got it.

Yeah, motherfucker.

Yeah, I did it.

All right, dude.

You have to put that out.

out hollywood clip that out and we'll put that in one of our new promos that's awesome that's

fun to do funky challenge with funky farts all right all right yeah it was good to have

hollywood on you back he's saying thanks for having him back no thank you for coming back

motherfucker i'm glad some little bitch man this was awesome night dj grill room record dude it

was all hits tonight man wasn't it it's a fucking awesome show bro you can let go at hound dog

even old hound dog

Lego needs to come

into Orlando

so son of a bitch

we're going to have

another special show

here

oh hell

son of a bitch

motherfucker

son of a bitch

motherfucker

you bitch

motherfucker

everybody down

there in Orlando

man a lot of the

greats man

Zolar man

Sean man

the warden

and Lego

who else man

Artie don't count

man he's a great

mess

he's a great

mess

he's not coming

over I don't care

if Lego does do

the show here

with us on

that Thursday in a few weeks.

Artie's not coming. I don't care. Artie can care all he wants.

He made a mess.

I got a little clue here, man.

I heard that the guard was very upset

with Artie out there, man, because

Artie went and stole all his tacos

out there before he left.

Dude, Artie comes and he eats

so fucking much. He eats so...

He ate three bags of candy.

Three big bags. Now, I'm not talking like

little sacks of Skittles. I'm talking he ate

like the big kind that you buy for like

Like Halloween, you know, you buy a few of those bags.

He bought, like, three bags of those.

Ate the whole thing.

Ate, like, a few, like, he had, like, McDonald's hamburgers, cheeseburgers he brought with him.

Ate those.

And he ate, like, he drank, like, three Diet Dr. Peppers and, like, two regular Mountain Dews.

It's a good thing he had the Diet Dr. Pepper there, buddy.

What's the point?

I guess every little bit helps, doesn't it, there, big guy?

Dude, you're never going to get that stain off your carpet, man.

It's never coming out.

You're going to have to get it out and replace the carpet in that room, man.

he can come in

to see Dr. Lego

if and only if

he comes in

and fixes the carpet

somehow

he can pay to get

the house recarpeted

dude just get

do this

just give him

a whole bag of candy

and have him

throw it all over the floor

and then make it

all the same color

man you'll have

a new color carpet

in that room

Dr. Lego mentioning

did I Lysol the house

because of Zolar

coming over

no I Lysol the house

because of Evil

already coming over

you stupid shit

if you're so listening

I don't think you are

but no

no sir

alright we're out of here

everyone be sure to

also go to

tuckermike.com

or MikeTucker.com

what is it again

it's TuckerMike.com

that's Tuck's website

where's he at

he left

where's that Tucker

BrandonVegas2

thank you

Tuck had a diary

on his computer

Baz

thank you very much

for joining in

and I saw

BrandonVegas

is in here also

thank you for being

in the secret room

and a big thank you

to everyone who listened

we'll catch you next week

and Maven

that hot girl

called in

and I

yeah

I don't know

she's got a sexy voice

don't she man

she has a nice voice

I would like to make her

Ooh, that was hot.

Say a dirty thing.

How about the guy talking dirty?

You're getting married, bro.

How about the guy talking dirty to, who was it, to Summer?

Summer Big Johnson.

What was that?

Filth.

Dirt.

Dirty laundry.

The gay Indian guy that we got the number for, man.

And Joe, man, that was looking for a record and called back on the answering machine tonight, man.

Grand Central Wine.

Good night, everybody.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Calls (26, 1 h 32 min of 3 h)

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