2009-03-19 Show

You don't have to get nasty, sir. You don't have to get snippy with me.

Sorry, I'm not nasty. I'm just speaking normally.

You're a little effluent, I guess. You have a, you know...

This might be a prank call, right? I know it's a prank call, so just go to hell.

What's the number?

You need to call and cancel.

It's the phone, the main, you dial, um, zero.

No, but what's the number to call to this company to cancel?

It's, uh, I think it's 611 you dial on the phone. That's all I know.

611.

Yeah, you need to cancel because he's going to come out.

They said $35 to $135, depending if they have to replace a line or not.

What?

Who the fuck is this?

Who is this?

You are listening to the Madhouse Radio Podcast.

You motherfucking prick!

Gentlemen, right now, we'd like to get ready to introduce the star of our show,

the young man you've all been waiting for, Mr. Soul.

So what do you say, let's all get together and welcome him to the stand with a great big hand!

Good evening, everybody.

Madhouse Radio coming back on the air finally, a little late, but we're back.

just coming back hope you're all having a good night i'm certainly having a good night

phone's ringing already that's always fun isn't it mr popular mr popular hey everybody carlito

here behind the mic i'm here i'm here with uh tuck as you can hear him whiling away over there

big tuck how you doing man tuckermike.com milkman is not here yet you're doing all right

kokanee's also around i understand hey kokanee if you're audible make yourself audited

Audit yourself please

Guess not

You have been audited

You've been audited by the IRS

Watch out bro

You've got an audit

If you want to reach me here tonight you can

My toll free line will be open a little later

That toll free line is

1-888-278-8509

Once again

1-888-278-8509

You can reach me Carlito

The dark hitman of prank calls

Big announcement here

Here, Lonesome Loser's in the house this week.

Good to see him.

My road dog, Lonesome Loser.

My main stain, the dark hit man of prank call and confirmation.

He's in the house.

I want to say what's up to everybody hanging out over in the syndicate, syndicateradio.tv.

What's up, ladies?

Of course, everybody over here over at madhouselive.com.

A lot of people showing up.

Hollywood Vanya's just checking in.

Nunu, the quack master.

Evil Artie's out there.

Looking good, Evil Artie.

Good to see you.

Good to see you, big guy.

Mikey129.

Mikey129

Who's actually really good

At the Madhouse trivia

Not the trivia

But the references

He's really

Really good at that

That crazy guy

Good to see you there buddy

Thanks for joining in

Seriously

Yeah like we'll be doing

A prank call or something

He'll refer to something

Like off the wall

Like wow

I don't remember

I remember that

From like two years ago

This guy just pulls it out

He's a Madhouse student

Of the Madhouse

Is this guy

Under a different name

I don't know

Mikey123

I don't know

Maybe it's somebody else

Maybe it's Milkman in disguise

guys um i want to apologize for being late to everybody on syndicate the reason i was late

because we continue i continue having problems with the stupid audio man with the uh uh the

feeds i think i found a way around it so i'm gonna you know try to work on that so i'm not late are

you like holding wires in a certain place and you have your feet in a certain position no it's it's

this little fine tuning and this and that move it's all fucked i get learn how to work kid says

Says, that's bullshit, Carlito.

We want static.

Well, see, if you guys want static, I can gladly oblige.

That's his buzz.

Yeah.

All right.

We'll call Milkman in a little bit here.

Spinnaker says, no, with many O's.

Multiple O's from Spinnaker.

Okay, you got it, man.

We won't do that.

Dino's in the house.

Dolaf.

John Ricker, the tall glass of water.

The official tall glass of water.

Sidekick Chuck is in the house.

As I said before, I already mentioned it.

Spinnaker, Zolar, host of the Zolar Party Nation.

And as I said before, he'll be on later on, later on in the week.

I need to take this phone call here.

So if you folks can give me just a moment, let me find something to play here.

I apologize to take a break so quickly, but you know what?

It's just, it must be done.

It has to be done.

Mr. Busy Man.

You know, I got to.

I got to.

I don't know what this is.

This one is called Granny Webcam.

I don't know what it is.

We'll play it.

No, man.

You're late, as usual.

Hi, how you doing, lady?

This is Jack Valenti.

Fuck, what's up, my brother?

Apparently, my mother-in-law is over there, and she's slouching seriously.

We're watching her.

Could you please tell her not to slouch anymore because of her osteoporosis,

and the doctor says she's not supposed to be slouching in the chair anymore?

Are you talking about with...

She's in the common area, and we put her in,

and they told us that we were allowed to watch her, make sure she was okay.

We're seeing her.

The grandkids are here, and we're watching her, but she's slouching again.

So I need you, can you please tell the old lady, you know, my mother-in-law to please don't slouch.

I'm sorry, Anna, who's your mother-in-law?

She's the lady over there in the wheelchair in between the two tables, and she's slouching.

And I really need you to ask her.

Oh, is that Emma?

Uh-huh, yeah.

Annie?

Annie.

Yeah.

Can you please tell her, or can you put her on the phone, please?

Oh, put her on the phone?

If you can, or just tell her not to slouch anymore, if you could, please.

Okay, I'll do that.

Okay, we'll be right here waiting.

I always say that to her every time I get her on the dining room.

Uh-huh.

All right.

So, okay then.

No, please, I need to talk to her.

Okay, hold on.

Okay.

Hello?

Hi.

Hello, here she is.

Okay.

Somebody wants to talk to you.

Here she is.

Hello?

Hi, how you doing?

Hi.

What's up?

It's me.

Hey, it's been a while since we talked to you, but why?

You shouldn't be slouching so much.

Remember, you're not supposed to slouch in the wheelchair.

Why?

Your voice is too small.

I can't hear you.

Can you stop slouching in the wheelchair, please, because it's bad for your back.

Would you mind not doing it?

I can't hear you.

You look very lazy in the wheelchair.

I can't hear you.

You look lazy.

Don't slouching.

Don't slouch.

Huh?

No slouch.

No.

Do you know what you're doing?

Don't look down.

Look up.

Always look up.

Keep looking up.

And never look down.

Never look back.

These were the greatest days of your life.

The megaphone there, Mano.

Use that megaphone.

I broke the megaphone.

Did you hear I broke the megaphone?

I got mad on Thursday and I broke the megaphone on the table.

Did you hear about that?

No, but I didn't use that connection problem.

You didn't know?

What would you...

I got angry and I broke something.

What do you recommend I do when I get angry so I don't break things?

Get some stick on your head.

Do you believe that I should maybe channel my anger into stuff like punching drywall or something?

I mean would you recommend that

What would you do when you get angry

Shut up fuck you

I hate that guy

Who does prank calls

It's so immature and stupid

My back is killing me

I'm sorry about that folks

I just had to take a quick respite

But I'm back

Speaking of backs

My lower back is killing me

It hasn't hurt like this in several years

I suffer from

Tension myositis syndrome

Also known as TMS

And I am going through a very stressful part of my life right now

So that's probably the reason why it happens

Why it's happening right now

But, yeah, my lower back is killing me, so I am about to take something for that.

I think mine is because I was taking boxes out to my attic.

Yeah, yeah, that's right, EvilRDPMS.

You're very smart.

That's what mine is already.

EvilRD talking to me that his woman, or some woman that he's talking to, is telling him what to do.

And he asked me what he should do, and I said, you know what, you tell her you shut the fuck up.

Sure.

Because I'm a man.

You tell her you're the man, and if you don't know how to carry a conversation, you just don't know how to carry a conversation.

What the hell's her problem?

Who does she think she is?

What is she breaking your balls for?

you gotta be a man uh evil already you got you know hell no women telling you you can't do this

you can't do that i'm trying to change you don't let woman know no woman change you change a woman

you make her change submit her you change her physically too you know you open her up a little

bit do certain things open her up talk you know what i'm talking about use a knuckle fist you

see that madhouse logo that's up right now that madhouse logo that's that's tuck's knuckle fist

he gives that to women he puts it in right yeah now indeed and there's a woman right there carlita

with long hair hey now all right so didn't liam neeson's wife die didn't she get hit in a ski

trip i've never gone skiing but i know that's one thing that me as a puerto rican will never do

um i don't see the benefit of getting at the top of a mountain and uh going down very fast

how was that fun i don't know i don't i don't understand how that would seem very annoying to

me to be skiing i really don't think and yeah another sentence she did yes you're right she

did refuse medical help she turned away medical help you know and that's true when you get into

an accident and when it's like that it's so benign you're always like oh okay please you know no no

no no no paramedics no don't call i don't have to go to the hospital this is one of those cases

where maybe had she gone to the hospital maybe has she gotten looked at i don't know though it

wasn't some kind of weird rare kind of um blood hemorrhaging or something like that that she got

Yeah, it sounded kind of weird, like it hit at the right spot that it could have done what it did to her.

I heard that.

Sorry, I'm drinking Kool-Aid over here.

Week number two of my diet, I'm doing pretty good.

I do take Fridays as an open day.

That's why usually here at midnight I eat a sandwich.

And I keep that tradition because technically that's Friday.

And then I go ahead and...

Yeah, well, there you go.

I go out to lunch.

I go out for a nice lunch on my lunch break.

I get a whole hour on Fridays because the...

You burned a fire red.

That's right.

Milkman, oh, I had something to tell you.

Guess what I finally figured out.

I've asked so many times in the air here.

Do you people...

Accept this.

It's who you're talking to.

You people...

Listen, Milkman.

You people, all of you listening out there, jerks,

that I asked so many times,

what's Milkman's ringtone?

When you call Milkman, it's got a song.

It's a Jimi Hendrix song.

Somebody tell me what it is.

I want it.

No one ever said, Milkman never said,

you know how I finally found out?

Because today on the Howard Stern,

they were playing Jimi Hendrix songs,

and they said, yeah, you know that one song that he did?

It's good.

you know and they played as like that's god damn that's the song finally i don't know why

you jerk offs never wanted to tell me i'd always ask and no one ever says i had to hear i think

what's it called little wing is that what it is is it little wing is that what it is that's right

little wing the studio cut what you hear is the intro of it and you're a jerk off because you

would never tell me i said what song is that just tell me which one of his songs that is

oh you're gonna have to find out for the listener i thought you was joking i just thought you really

knew man no you're like oh man you want to find out y'all say oh man i'm like come on just tell

Tell me, no.

So, I finally figured it out.

Ha ha, take that.

Gold star for me.

Not really.

All right.

Hey, I got a gold star for you if you accept in your G-Talk.

I got a punch right for your mouth.

Milkman, where's your G-Talk at?

I don't see it.

You're not coming through in your G-Talk.

What's this?

You're sending an MP3.

Is it music or is it a prank call?

It's a prank call.

Okay, good deal.

It's a surprise.

I am from the madhouse for our dedicated, loving listeners out there, man.

And, Hermanito, I'm going to let you reveal the call once you play it, man.

This is a special call.

It better not suck, Milkman.

Seriously, it better not suck.

I'm going to be so pissed off.

It's going to be Milkman like, yeah.

I am not going to reveal my sources at the moment, Tug.

We'll let the guest listeners out there decide who made the call and what they think of it.

Well, it will be pretty obvious.

when we hear it

since you were not.

Is it from the arm?

Well, I am a man of

up-to-date voices,

Chuck.

You know that.

Well, yeah,

the same old man voice

and the milkman voice.

We haven't heard

from the arm.

Our secret source,

the arm,

we have not heard from

in so long.

I never know

what the difference is.

You got me there.

Really, maybe it's the arm.

No one knows

who the arm is.

The arm is the

madhouse secret source.

We always used to get

drops all the time

on secret shit,

secret audio,

secret news

in the prank call community.

Yeah.

Having her from the arm disappeared into thin air, vanished.

Hey, I think he was working with Deep Throat, man,

and he's doing a new installment up here at Irvine.

Nunu says that the stream says it's the July 31st episode.

I don't understand why I wouldn't do that.

Shouldn't be saying that.

Should be saying that it's a live episode.

I'll try to fix it.

Thank you, Nunu.

All right, so Lonesome Loser is checking in.

As I said, he's got a number here for the Maharani restaurant.

Yeah, you know, come on.

You got that.

Maharani Indian Restaurant.

We have our new stories here from Kokanee as well that I'm promising to get into.

First of all, I wanted to mention this.

This is bullshit right here.

Awesome.

I wanted to say this right here.

Laura Lanes.

Laura Lanes, she made a mistake.

She was a police dispatcher in Chicago, that hell of a town.

And she told some of her co-workers that she bought her aunt some weed because she was not eating.

She's diabetic and she needed to eat.

I guess she wasn't eating.

Her sugar was too low.

She was whittling away to nothing, it says here.

So she bought her some marijuana to help her eat,

and she told a co-worker or two at work,

and she's a police dispatcher, so she got fired just for that.

And the age-old debate goes, should it be legalized?

Of course.

Is it bullshit?

Had it been in California, she would not have gotten in trouble, perhaps,

because the aunt could have had a prescription for this stuff, maybe.

Uh-huh.

Sweet, baby, sweet.

I really don't think it's going to be legalized in my lifetime.

These guys are finally getting smart.

I think they're going to try and legalize it here, dude.

dude. Nah. And tax the fuck

out of it. Nah. It'll never

I mean, when I'm 80. I think, Milkman, you'll be

dead, I'll be, me and Tuck will be in our 80s.

We'll be a swinging 80s.

Prime of life right there. Dude, I'm telling

you, man, they're trying to pass it out here

and these fools will do it.

And they have some awesome butt-kicking

stank out here.

So my audio isn't the best right now.

I'm working on it. I don't understand what's going on

with you. Is it loud again?

It don't sound that bad. Eh, I'm

trying to stabilize it a little bit. It's been kind of spotty.

You know what?

Don't fuck with it.

It's sounding as good as it's going to sound.

Okay, good.

Well, we'll fuck with it, sir.

It's just a little high on the level.

That's the way it is.

I just checked the audio stream.

Where we adjusted it last time, it's just a bit high.

Well, I'm working on it, all right?

Thanks.

And Zara says, spotty like a period.

Very good.

Thank you.

Much appreciated.

All right, let's move into gear here.

At least, you know, normally we're not starting until this time.

At least this time around we're, you know, it's 1036

and we're at least into the game at this point.

So that was a news story there from Kokanee.

I have many more that I can share with you guys.

We have a prank call request.

Our court reporter right here.

The court reporter.

Right on.

Compliments of Kokanee.

Let's call the Maharani restaurant, everybody.

We'll be right back with that.

First prank call of the night.

First of many, I hope.

Hello, Maharani.

May I help you?

Yes, hello.

How are you, sir?

I'm good.

How are you?

That's super.

Do you guys do sandwiches or anything there

where you put meats together with breads?

We don't do sandwiches.

which is mostly like curries and naans and sundari dishes and stuff.

Korean dishes, that's nice.

Okay, you got kimchi?

No, no, Korean.

I mean like dishes with curry.

Like chicken tikka masala and stuff.

Okay, that sounds good.

Put me down for those chicken marsala.

Okay, sure.

Do you want to make a reservation or something?

No, I'm going to take, do you guys do takeout there?

Yeah, we do.

All right, put me down for chicken marsala.

Chicken tikka masala?

Chicken marsala, yeah.

Pola Rosa Maria.

And me?

Polarosa Maria.

Didn't get you said again?

Listen, man, I'm personal friends with John Carraba, so you take down my order or there's

going to be...

Oh, exactly.

I can't understand what you're trying to say, so I...

Hey, you're a little...

You don't have to get nasty, sir.

You don't have to get snippy with me.

Sorry, I'm not nasty.

I'm just speaking normally.

You're a little effluent, I guess.

You have a, you know, like you think you're...

I know this might be a prank call, right?

I know it's a prank call, so just...

That's really fucked up, you know?

Wow.

What if it was a prank call?

I mean, how does that appear to me?

That's really rude

If someone said

Oh this is a prank call

So go to hell

Fucking ass

That's really rude

And disrespectful

To say that to somebody

Why would you say that

To somebody

Go to hell

I'm going to call him back

And explain that to him

You know sir

It was a prank call

And I don't think

It's necessary for you

To hang up the phone

On me like that

And tell me to go to hell

And say curse words to me

Because I didn't curse at you

The whole conversation

Did I?

Did I curse at you the whole conversation?

Is that what I deserve?

Is that the type of respect that you people have for us here?

I just picked up the phone.

Well, you know, Jesus said, God damn the fig tree.

And that's exactly the situation, just like that man, the way he said he told me to go to hell.

Who was that gentleman who was talking to me earlier who told me to go to hell?

What's his name?

Oh, you said this was a prank call?

No, he accused me of making a prank call and told me to go to hell when he hung up the phone.

Hold on a second now while I get out.

Apparently the Indian community knows that we're on YouTube also.

I don't know if you guys heard about that one.

That was last week.

Last week's exciting episode

It's taking too long

Did you look at that site I sent you the link to?

Nope

I ain't looking at shit

Damn it, boy

I kick Chuck on later tonight

Let us know

Hello

Yeah

Who is this?

Called in to make a complaint

Someone hung up on the phone on me

When I was trying to make an order

Told me to go to hell

And accused me

No, I was making an order

And I kept asking for the chicken dish

And he kept telling me to repeat myself

And at the end he said

Oh, this is obviously some type of call

And he said go to hell

And he hung up the phone

And he, I think he said like a racial

Like, when he was hanging up the phone, I heard him say something that sounded a little racial, to be honest with you.

Okay, what did he say that was racial?

He said the S-word, and I just want him to know that I'm not, you know, I'm Polish-American.

I don't speak like that over the phone, sir.

I don't use that type of language.

What was the S-word?

I don't say words like hell, and I don't say words like the racist S-word.

I don't know, but you said he said something racist.

What was the racist word?

Do you get off on hearing racist words on the phone?

No, I don't know what a racist S-word is.

That's what the S word is.

Because you say the S word like in your normal conversation.

You enjoy listening.

Well, what's the word that you say?

I don't say.

It's a four-letter word that starts with S, and it doesn't mean, you know, cocky.

It's a racist word for Hispanics is what it is, is what he said.

Do you need to hear it?

I thought you were Polish.

Spick.

Is that what you want me to say?

You want me to say a bad word, right?

I thought you said you were Polish.

I am Polish-American.

He accused me of being a Spick.

He called me a Spick.

He said, Spick.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

You wanted to hear the S word?

There you go.

Good.

Good, you like it?

Does it make you feel like a man?

You say racist words all the time, right?

This is the kind of people that work here.

Who's the owner of this outfit?

Does he know that you're the owner?

What's your name?

Yeah.

What's your name?

This is Valente.

As a matter of fact, this is Valente.

What is your name, please?

Valente?

Valente.

What is your name?

Valente.

I said my name is Valente, you horse's ass.

Now tell me your fucking name now.

Horse's ass?

Yeah.

In the background over there.

A guy named Valente is very angry.

Last name, sir.

Don't you, there?

you got?

I have five fathers.

I have only one mother.

How many vaginas

do you come in

out of one time?

Because your mother

had five penises

in her at the same time,

didn't she,

when you were conceived?

So who knows

who your father is, right?

Well, we must be

brothers then, huh?

Half-brothers, yeah.

Because my father

fucked your mother.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it felt good.

So I guess my father

must have fucked your mother.

And I got to turn

in after that, too,

and I was only

five years old.

I got to turn

right on your mother.

It must have been

right after we

fucked your sister, right?

And put her right

inside your mother

and then your sister was sitting down on your mom's face at the same time.

Your sister was sitting down on your mom's face at the same time.

She was, like, grinding at her face because they're lesbians,

because your family's lesbians and gays.

There you go.

You hung up the phone.

Told you I wouldn't have that conversation.

What a bum.

Thank you, thank you.

Lesbians and gays.

Hi.

Nunu says the stream is still messed up.

Well, I don't know what to tell you.

I know that's an old message.

Ask people how many men with their father were before the war burned.

I did ask that, Nunu.

Good idea.

Hey, hermano.

Hermanito.

Yes, milkman.

Hey can we call your good buddy

Jim Nobles tonight

I got a request

She asked if we could call him back

That guy leaves creepy voicemails

Whenever I call him

I'll be more than happy to

Because that guy is awesome

You got it man

That guy leaves the creepiest

Nassiest dirtiest voicemails for me

Like when I'm watching you

Are you nervous

Can I help you

Yes how are you doing tonight

How are you? How are you, sir? How are you?

I'm fine, eh?

Yeah, good, good. I wanted to talk about, I wanted to make an order.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah, what can you recommend?

Hello?

Yes, Dave? Is this a takeaway?

Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah. What can you recommend to me?

Recommend to you?

Yeah.

Is this a delivery, sir?

No, no, I'm going to pick it up. I told you I'm coming to pick it up. What can you recommend from the menu?

What can I recommend from the menu?

oh what what you can recommend the menu to me huh who was that i have no idea who that was

milkman oh my god dude that was awesome that was awesome wasn't it it's all right let me give you

a little background okay a uk information bod bod is a term that they use over there from pakis

and it came from originally when they first started driving the buses they got the ding ding

bus bus and then bod bod would be like bud and the bud is a dick or a cock so it's like a real

derogatory term for cock for they call for packies because they go bod bod okay kick ass

you made a big deal that we're gonna know who that i have no idea who the prank caller was

milkman i don't couldn't tell you don't know who's been stored.com is never heard of him

never heard of who oh my god jen who never heard of him i have no idea who jen steward is

never heard oh my goodness don't know don't go looking for that website because i've never

ever heard of it i doubt it exists anymore you keep timing me all right guys oh look i got a

muhammad ali shirt i got it in the mail the other day it looks pretty good i got it for the you know

for the wedding and i had the the honeymoon and all that gonna be on a cruise i thought i'd get

some update my wardrobe get something a little more contemporary i got the ali picture him

knocking out sunny listen looks really nice hope you guys enjoy that look at him you little monkeys

look at him i can make him dance go ali it's a rope-a-dope watch rope-a-dope rope-a-dope

Okay, coming up next, here in the Madhouse Radio show, we've got Amore Pizza, where a Latina woman answered an Anchorage Ack, a.k.a. Anchorage.

Ah.

I said Ack-Acks on that one.

Eric the Ack-Actor.

I love that one.

It's my favorite one.

Gold star from Mikey for finding out that Milkman and Tuck were not audible on Syndicate or Immogulus.

Thank you very much, Mikey.

Gold star double gold star you win the night already and it's night just started motherfucker

your echo off, bitch. You lost your superpowers. Milkman, use your superpowers

on Tuck. You have echo and Tuck does not. Good work, Milkman. Well, wait. I didn't touch

your number. Anyway, seriously, I'm worried now. All right, Tuck, while I'm dialing the

number, we got a request for you to say show your titties with your superpowers. Your superpowers

are now activated. Go ahead, take it away. Calls, Alaskos, take forever to connect whenever

Whenever I try to call you guys, man.

Why does it take so long to call you guys?

It takes so long to connect.

Have you guys checked your phone lines at all?

No, no, no.

Maybe because it's busy and all the line is busy.

No.

That's why.

Every time I try to call you, every time.

It doesn't matter when I call to make order.

I call to make order.

It takes like two to three minutes from when I dial the phone for it to start ringing.

Every time.

It never ends.

Yeah?

Can you please get that checked out?

I'm not going to order from you until you fix it.

I won't order from you.

That's it.

I refuse to order it.

I'm going to take my business away.

Can you please get the phone company to check your phone line?

Okay.

Can you call right now and then give me the ticket number, put me on hold,

and then come back and give me the confirmation number that they gave you,

and then I'll take care of it from there.

Like, if you just tell them what's wrong, because I tried to call them,

and they said because since I'm not the customer, I'm not you guys,

that I couldn't open up a complaint.

Yeah, I got to tell this to the owner, you know.

He got to call me.

No, no, no.

If I call.

No, just call them and say that the phone is down.

The phone lines are down.

Just tell them and then give me the case number, the ticket number,

and then I'll call and I'll take care of it for you.

Because I tried to and they said, no, you have to be the customer.

We need to talk to the customer.

And they said that anybody working there can call in

because it's not a change for the account.

It's just you're going to make a repair request.

Yeah, but what's happening?

Because what's happening if you call?

You cannot...

It takes a long time.

It takes a long time to connect.

Whenever I call you...

What number do you call?

The main number there.

Let me look at my phone book.

Hang on.

Let me look.

All right.

It's the 907...

That's why.

You got to call...

All right.

Well, that's the same thing.

Every time I call you, it doesn't matter where I call.

And what's the matter with this line?

Is it forward?

Because, no, this one was like a second line, you know, from different place.

And this place is now...

Let me tell you something.

I already called.

I already called the phone company.

They're going to send a guy out.

You just have to call to give them the case number.

Okay.

Already, they're going to send the guy out.

But they're going to charge you if you don't call, is what I'm saying.

They said that if they don't get approval, they're going to charge when the technician gets out there.

$35 for the visit, for the trip.

That's what I'm saying.

You need to call the phone company now, tell them that, you know, to send the person out,

that it's okay, that it's broken, because if not, they're going to charge.

They're going to charge $35.

Yeah, but I don't know, because like 100 people call here every day.

And they all complain.

They all complain.

And nobody ever complains.

Well, that's how it happens for me.

Every time I try to call, and they say that you need to get it fixed.

Oh, this is weird.

This is weird.

Well, what address are you calling from?

829 South 60th Street.

What does it matter?

But you have long distance phone, man.

Well, yeah, this is my cell phone.

It's long distance.

No, no, it's my cell phone.

That's why.

No.

That's why.

But I'm here.

I'm here in Anchorage.

I'm in town.

Yeah, but it's going from, you know, going to the central, you know, the operator from

the low 48 and coming back to the anchorage that's why it's so long you know no no they said

that's impossible no way man no i was anyway we got it we got to check this yeah well yeah you

need to check it go call the guys can either see he's going to be there within the next three to

five hours i cannot call because i'm busy now i have busy well the guy's gonna come and he's

gonna charge you 35 dollars to fix a stupid phone unless you call and cancel oh what you need to

to call and cancel.

What's the number?

It's the phone, the main, you dial zero.

No, but what's the number to call to this company

to cancel?

I think it's 611 you dial on the phone.

That's all I know.

Yeah, you need to cancel because he's going to come out.

They said $35 to $135

depending if they have to replace a line or not.

So I think you, you know.

Well, just let him come, let him come.

That's okay, just let him come. It's okay.

Okay, bye.

Alright, cool. So we'll call him back later as a technician

on his way.

I'll get Hollywood or someone else to call.

Might be a good idea.

We'll give him about $20, $15, $20.

He sounds Russian, right?

Yeah.

Those Russians are invading Alaska

through the immigration system.

That guy probably just walked right over from Russia.

Can't you just walk?

Isn't it possible to walk from Russia to Alaska

when it's frozen over?

I think that's what he probably did.

He's a sleeper cell.

He's like, oh, no, I'm Polish.

Is that what the Africans did?

That's what the Asians did.

That's what the Eskimos did.

Did they just walk all over?

Eskimos are like Koreans or something.

Well, whatever.

Just something is what it is.

All right, guys, thank you.

I hope you enjoyed that prank call.

We'll follow up later.

If you want to call in, I'm going to go ahead and open the toll-free line just to let you know FYI.

FYTK, which means for you to know.

The toll-free line is 1-888-278-8509.

Again, our toll-free line here tonight at Madhouse Radio is 1-888-278-8509.

Mikey129 confirms it was part of a land bridge when it froze over.

See, there you go.

So that's how that guy came.

He came over in a land bridge.

Yeah, my back is killing me, guys.

I've got a pillow.

I'm sitting on a pillow here on my back.

It's that bad.

I don't know how long.

It's very painful.

I wish I could...

If I could do the show laying down, I'd probably stay on until late tonight, but I'm just not

feeling it, man.

My back...

It's my lower back.

It's my coccyx.

Like, the base of my coccyx.

Where it starts.

Hoppa.

Wearing your loincloth.

Now, Artie over there is wearing his bacon loincloth.

Crazy asshole.

asshole already come over here and fix the domestic yeah the name of the carpet come replace

the carpet czar is correcting our medical correspondent czar says it's coccyx look man

it's pronounced coccyx apparently and that's you know that's from our medical correspondent czar

the uh surgeon general of madhouse radio thank you all righty then let's uh go ahead and activate

that toll-free line you guys can call in whenever you feel like it jonathan i'm sure will probably

be the first one. We're in a very comic book-y mood tonight, aren't you, Tuck? My laptop

is not with me tonight. My laptop went out today to Dell to be repaired. What do we got,

Milkman? What?

A guest listener here today. I want to introduce a guest friend. Here's the King B. Hey, King

B, say hi, man, to the world, man.

All right, what's up, Frenchie? How you doing, man?

There you go.

Good, good deal. That's an awesome voice that you're doing there. All right, cool.

This is from French Guyana, man.

French Guyana. French Guyana? I got you. Guyana. We got that thing here, too.

in america i got you man it's all right don't worry we don't prejudice against all right more

numbers to do oh that's great st croix that's from the halfway house he's gonna give milkman

a massage later on if you know what i mean okay the homie in the homie in is located in nebraska

and there's a girl named nikki with two k's we'll see about that just a moment folks everybody shut

the fuck up over there everyone listen and be shut up all you people saying just shut up right now

I'd prefer you people shut up.

Thanks, guys.

Shut the fuck up.

I almost forgot to turn the phone on there.

I can go for some chicken.

Hey, guys, do you have an on-call staff for food?

Do you have an on-call staff for food?

On-call staff for food!

On-call staff.

Exactly.

Do you just have in?

Do you have any peanuts?

Can I bring in a meal if I went to McDonald's?

Is it already eaten there?

Do you want something?

I'll bring you something.

Do you want a double McChee?

Double McChee with Whopper Sandwich

Secret Sauce

Spoiled Mayonnaise, baby

You guys make dirty Mexicans there?

Sorry, that's a bad word to say

I don't condone using the F word

I am bisexual

I'm fabulous

That was a stupid prank call

That one goes out to Dr. Lego

Speaking of Dr. Lego

Here's a hit from 1995

This is Dr. Lego in Making Shit

Enjoy this one, everybody

Supreme Sound Shitting

This is the supreme sound of shitting

That's right everybody

That's where the show is at tonight

Once again that's Dr. Lego

Made that track back in 1995

Known as the supreme sign of shitting

Hope y'all enjoyed that

Let's go ahead and call Tramps

Tramps is in Oklahoma

Oklahoma

Oklahoma-sicky

Oklahoma

We're calling Tranks

Thank you

Had painkillers

Some asshole had to take them all

Tramps

Jesus Christ

You gotta yell so loud

You fucking asshole

What's your fucking problem

What

You gotta fucking yell so loud

When you pick up the phone

You stupid shit

Who is this

Fuck you, man.

You pick up the phone like that like a fucking asshole.

What's your fucking problem?

Fucking yell.

You heard him yell?

Fucking prick.

I'm going to call him back.

Call him another asshole.

I don't care if I didn't get the prank.

I was a fucking dickass for picking up the phone and yelling like that.

Stupid shit.

Pissed me off.

I hate when people talk loud on the phone.

Fuck you.

Sir.

Right down back there.

Find a set over there.

Cut you all off.

That's manned by an asshole who talks too loud.

Nick.

Nick 5789 is saying, dude, it could be your kidneys if it's your lower back.

Talking about the pain.

That would be the case, but I actually just had a kidney CT scan.

It came back okay finally, and I did have my kidneys checked for infections recently,

and I also had my kidneys checked for function, and they were just fine.

I got that done.

Now, my mom has another story.

Her kidney function is down like 13% or something.

It's a dialysis.

It isn't good.

I wish I was type 1.

I hate to say it.

i mean you want to wish that on anybody but if i were to be diabetic i'm done i'm a type 2 diabetic

it'd be much better if i was type type 1 because type 1 just means you're not producing insulin

and you actually have the the best outlook right now for a cure uh because it's just a matter of

getting your pancreas to create insulin correctly i've got plenty of insulin it's just my body as

a whole is fucking retarded and doesn't know what to do with it so type 1 gets the pump yeah that's

right czar type 1 gets the pump i found that out the hard way i was like oh i'm gonna get the

a pump and i did some research on it said i well i'm a type 2 diabetic it's really not going to do

anything for me this is like putting in a second pancreas so it doesn't really matter if your body

doesn't do shit with your insulin so whatever what can you do there go my plans sugar bro

fuck that i do i don't touch sugar no way no how no sir you're sweet enough right

and you know to be honest with you i don't even like the artificial stuff anymore i just want to

have savory salty it's fine yeah fuck it now you know something's got to give if i can't have

i'm gonna eat i'm gonna eat the hell out of some fucking sodium everybody all right i'm just gonna

fucking dry myself up and what the hell what the hell else is on hypertension what else is so so

this so didn't give you hypertension fuck it i guess i'll be a hypertension son of a bitch what

else does it do does it make your cock fall off after a long period of time stroke strokes okay

that's fine that's good that's a good year off good deal it's a good year vacation right there

maybe permanent vacation good yeah you still got that megaphone yes i do got that oh it was on a

Wrong setting.

Toast, toast.

I still got a megaphone.

No kidding.

Preemie Mimi says sea salt.

What about sea salt?

Sea salt's good.

I like sea salt because it's like a sweet salt.

I love sweet salt.

Sea salt for cooking.

I don't like using it as...

It's actually lower in sodium, they say, too.

Is it really?

The salt's the flavor.

Son of a bitch.

Well, that's awesome.

Good deal.

I don't like to use it as a table salt, but I do like to use it in cooking.

Well, because sea salt isn't just sodium chloride.

It has other salts, like magnesium salts and calcium salts and other things to give

but a salty ass flavor asbestos salt and sodium that asbestos salt is what gets you you know

i was talking to him here man it's tasty on your burger i was talking to one of my co-workers he's

from puerto rico and i was saying hey yeah man i'm gonna be going to puerto rico in two months

i was gonna i was like i'm gonna eat the hell out of some really good food and he's like yeah man

in puerto rico they still use salt we started laughing you're like yeah you got a point

puerto rico they don't care like well yeah what fuck that we got tons of real salt out here tons

Tons of real butter and tons of real...

The milk in Puerto Rico is so much better than the milk over here in the States, man.

It just tastes creamier.

Oh, my God.

Something about that milk.

I don't know what it is.

I'm saying Croy too, man.

Highland dairy had the best milk in Manigault.

Oh, my God.

The milk outside of the United States is so much better than it is in the United States.

It's so bland here.

It's like everything else in the United States as far as eating really goes.

As far as white people go.

No offense, Tuck.

Milkman is half Asian.

I'm Puerto Rican

give me that number for Jim

would you

is Jim around

is that a Jerky Boys prank call about piss clams

is that what it's called piss clams

I want to hear that now

is Jim around

guys we're taking a really shit show here

I'm telling you my back is killing me

I really don't know what that prank call is called

alright

Dino May has some breaking news here everybody

breaking news

this is Dateline New York announcement

password has changed the new password is in the staff there you go let's see all you hosts make

a note of that one of those is a number actually figure it out i think one of the eyes is a one

so i'll just try a few combinations don't lock it out it'll be an asshole okay next prank call

tonight's coming right up big thanks to lonesome loser for sending in prank calls you're the man

chung king restaurant the chung king restaurant is in los angeles home of milkman

I ain't gonna go

I ain't gonna go down

And I ain't going out like that

I ain't going out like that

I gotta get that song

I don't have that song

That's an awesome song

That's a loser congratulations

Gold star

Triple gold star

From Lonesome Loser

Leading the board tonight

Oh I got four actually

I'm gonna take that fourth one

Good deal Lonesome Loser

Sometimes there's some weak sides

There's some weak chillers

In the gumbo

It's alright man

It happens

the gumbo still tastes good nonetheless in the end man it all mixes up in the tripe

ufo hotline a ufo hotline and we also got juicy chicks and waffles hey juicy chicks we had fun

with those people remember those that's a there's a mexican guy that works here it's actually called

something else but he just goes by he's like oh yeah sure juicy chicks what did he do did he get

to a huge fight with me one night then we call him like three or four times monkey that's true

this is the is it the ufo hotline it doesn't like americans that guy there's an anti-american

UFO guy that lives in Seattle or something?

That guy's a prick-ass.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that works out.

Maybe we'll call. Maybe we'll call after this one.

Number for a quick-save reporting hotline?

You know what I need is, I need the number

for that kebab place that we call.

Call that one last week. Now, please enter the number

you wish to display.

This one is so much better than the other one.

For two. Ryan, terminate the call, please.

Something is amiss.

There is a funk in here.

I think Milkman is in need of closing his legs.

Stop spreading your legs over there, Muckman.

You're bringing in a stink.

Hey!

I'm attracting bears, man.

Attracting bears.

All right, let's try the UFO hotline.

Let's see if this is the guy that hates America.

Old man.

Calling an old man, everybody.

Old crazy fucker, man.

It's got to go down.

Jim Nobles, the new Charlie Patton.

I'm a friend of Debra Mansfield.

Mm-hmm.

All right, cool.

Debbie Mansfield also always comes in.

And I'm going to look up kebab for you again.

Kebab.

Kabob.

Baz, that's Baz's number.

We got it here.

No, we don't.

Baz, send me that number.

That was your number, right?

You're the kabob holder.

You talking about the one with...

What was that, Brandon Vegas?

I don't know.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm talking about something else.

Oh, yeah.

Is that the gay guy?

Is that who we called over there?

Yes, we did call the gay guy last time.

Well, look for the number.

Remember, he gave us a number to the actual gay guy.

He called several times on Friday looking for reclute.

He left several messages, I believe.

I sent it to you, but it's not coming up right now.

That guy left several calls for Recklet afterwards, actually.

He's very funny.

You like Recklet, huh?

Oh, dude, he was all like, yes, I like.

He said he's got a number, even though he's a wanker and didn't bother to send it to me.

He's a gay.

He's called Jim Nobles.

He's gay and faggot.

As the Iron Sheik would say, rest in peace.

I have to say a big what's up to everybody who is listening tonight.

We have numbers.

We have huge players in the game tonight listening.

I refuse to recognize the 129 Mikey change your number your number to 123 once please to match

my error from earlier 123 you know that there was a king in Spain once and he talked like a gay

and then he said that everyone had to talk like a gay just like he did and now it's called

castilling there we go thank you Mikey good work sir gold star for you a double gold star

giving out those doubles man it's a two for two day here madhouse radio 98.6

no two for two gold stars all night tonight we got a prank call request just coming in from

erwin erwin r shyster let's take a look at that here good old gmail here we are all right erwin

sends in a number logan 20 years old lives in atlanta hotlanta that's one racist black people

jokes he recommends and he says he hates smart asses well let's do that and then after that

that we'll get to some milkman numbers and then we'll get to some lonesome loser numbers just a

moment ladies oh man you know what i got over there milkman you know what i got it's a very

low uh impact as far as carbs and calories as concerned as pickles i've got some over there

i'm gonna have i'm gonna have some a little bit over here i'm gonna eat myself some pickles gonna

put salt on the pickle that's cool it's high in sodium though that's fine i'm gonna put salt on

it milkman i told you i don't care if i can't have the sugar i'm gonna eat the hell out of some

salt-eating motherfucker. I'm going to eat pretzels

every day.

I'm going to eat pretzels

for breakfast, like cereal, and instead of

milk, I'm going to eat gravy.

Gravy and pretzels for breakfast, folks.

Did you ever use that imaging program I sent you?

I never did you a report on that. No.

No. Milkman, no, Milkman.

You declined. Nice.

Baz sending in a number for a Bigfoot

reporting hotline. Oh, so.

Hey, big guy, what's going on? Hey, who's this?

Hey, this is Valente. You told me to give you

you a call, said that you were interested in some racist knock-knock jokes. Who told

you that? Dude said to give you a call, tell you all about racist, that you know some good

racist knock-knock jokes. You know any ethnic jokes? No, I don't. What do you say to a Puerto

Rican in a three-piece suit? What? Defendant, please rise. Oh. This is Valente. Look, I

have nothing to do, you know, you don't sound like a prick, so I'm just going to let you

go. You go yourself. Have yourself a good night, buddy, alright? Alright. I don't know

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here.

That guy is fucking killing me, man.

Jesus, I just want to lay down.

Take another one of these pills is what I'm going to do.

My third one of the night.

Well, lay down.

Get a cot, lay down, put a microphone up to your mouth.

Fall asleep on the air, yeah, sure.

Yeah, I can't wait to do that.

Let me pass that right on the air in front of all you people.

You know, people have done it before.

I don't know what's going on with me.

I don't know this is...

Don't put any incense in your ass while you're laying on the floor, though, here, my neato.

I've had this thing lately where when I sleep and I wake up in the morning and I've pulled my shirt up, you know, up to my chest.

Like I've just pulled my shirt up and I keep doing it every morning.

I wake up in the morning and for some reason while I sleep, I pull my shirt up to like right here.

Like I'll be laying in bed and my belly's just hanging out.

I'm like, why the fuck am I doing that?

I think Athena is attacking and performing duties upon you in your sleep.

No, it's not that.

It's just something about the way I'm sleeping.

Maybe it means I'm gay or something, you know.

Stuff like that happens.

You could dream about

running up the Washington Monument

shooting at the top of it

and it means you're gay.

Who knows?

That's what Sigmund Freud would say.

Sorry about the weak prank calls tonight.

I got other stuff on my mind

like pain and no painkillers,

which is a good thing.

It's not bad to have

no painkillers in the house

because people get tempted

to partake in them

when you're not supposed to.

Will Lortab do anything for pain

or will that just make you happy?

What does Lortab do?

Someone tell me about Lortab.

I've got some Lortab here.

Well, if it takes away pain, fuck, I'm going to take some, because I've got a pain...

Let's take a look at Lortab.

What's Lortab do?

Well, Zar is here.

Zar, you tell me.

What does Lortab do?

Can I take Lortab for pain?

Not happy.

It says pain, not happy, take some.

It says it's for pain.

Well, let's do it.

It's a painkiller.

Well, what the fuck am I waiting for?

Hang on, folks.

I'll be right back.

I'm going to go take a painkiller.

Let's take a break.

It's like a bike, man.

I don't know if it is.

That's what I need, because my back is killing me right now, all right?

You guys want me to do a show?

We'll do it.

And

been drugs.

When we come back, we have more prank calls to do.

New numbers coming in from Lonesome Loser, including the Ayara Thai Cafe, Baja Fish Tacos.

You know, I've never had a fish taco, as the British would say.

A fish taco.

I've never had one before, but I heard good things.

There's a taco place here in Orlando that's really mean.

I think I might stop this weekend and pick myself up a fish taco.

We got Baz's number here.

We got Lonesome Loser confirming more numbers.

And, of course, Zar has come in with a 24-hour breastfeeding helpline.

We call Jim Nobles.

Yeah, we could do that.

There's a 24-hour breastfeeding helpline, and it's 1-800-4-LA-LE-CHE.

Oh, hell yeah.

If you speak Spanish, you know what that means.

We're going to do a special call.

That's right.

We're going to call Jim whatever and Stacy Black Girl.

All right, folks.

be right back in a moment we'll be right back in about five minutes don't go anywhere thank you

very much yeah right is now being traced by at&t security and call tracing network

right after this

hello how are you this is jack valente i'm on the line with g whiz we're with the coffee

enema administration we want to make sure that he administered his coffee enema on time this

morning hello sir did you take your did you take your coffee enema as you were ordered to this

this morning.

Sorry?

You're supposed to take your coffee enema this morning.

Did you do that, sir?

No.

Well, you know how to do it?

Should I give you instructions?

Who is it?

This is Jack Valente with G-Wiz.

We're from the United States Coffee Enema Administration.

No, I have no order or anything.

Oh, well, if you don't do it, we're going to come down there and force you to take a

hose in your ass with coffee in it, man.

No, I don't want it.

Why don't you want it in your anus?

No, I don't want it.

Sorry.

Is your A, asshole, clear?

No.

Well, how do you know you don't have ass cancer or something like that, man?

Who is it, dude?

I don't know you.

You son of a bitch.

If you don't do this, I'm going to have to put chemotherapy in the tip of my dick

and fuck it in you and cure you of your cancer.

Is that what you want?

Shut your mouth, you fucking mother.

You fucking...

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm going to hit you with my sandal.

Hold on a second, sir.

Is this Kalama?

What?

I'm going to have you on the home, sir.

Excuse me.

You on the home, sir.

He's gone.

He's done?

He must be a renter.

Ten minutes to go.

Guy trying to break in my truck.

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

Hi, it takes to, like, boiling it.

Like, for boiled eggs, it just really doesn't matter how long you cook them for,

but soft-boiled egg, you have to boil it.

I got your number out of the Egg Expert.

Where did you get this number from? I don't know.

Oh, no, no, it was the Bukkake.

I have no idea what that is.

Well, could you help me?

You don't know what that is?

Well, I don't know where I got your number from then,

but maybe there was a misprint or something,

but could you help me out?

Do you know how long I have to egg for?

I don't.

And where are you calling from?

Are you not an egg expert?

Where are you calling from?

I'm calling from Manhattan.

Manhattan?

Yes.

I'm not saying this is England you're calling.

England?

Are you serious?

Yes.

You're an English bitch.

20 to 6 in the morning here,

and I'm not a view-caller.

So if it's 20 to 6,

You should be ready for some eggs, so you could probably help me out.

You can't help me out with my egg question.

I really, I'm craving soft-boiled eggs.

My chest.

Soft-boiled eggs just get all too, you know what I mean?

I'd like some soft-boiled eggs.

What are you doing here?

Three minutes, Sam.

You have, you have?

I can order for you.

Do you have a sister?

You want some?

I can order for you.

Yeah, bring your sister over.

Yes, please.

Come, why don't you come deliver your sister to my house.

I can screw you up, man.

Can you give me your phone number right away?

I can call 911 and screw you up.

Asshole.

Motherfucker.

Put the phone down.

No.

Don't laugh.

I'm going to give your phone number to the night owner right now.

No, please don't tell.

I'm going to give...

Screw you, fucking asshole.

Please don't tell.

Just hold on.

Please don't tell.

No.

I'm going to rape your phone right now to night owner, fucking asshole.

Motherfucking.

You fucking bastard.

You motherfuck.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you!

Fuck you, fucking piece of shit!

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Call in toll-free at 1-888-278-8509.

You know what? I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trapdoor at the bottom.

So when you die, you open that trapdoor at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman. You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

That nigga want, y'all.

Word up.

Look out for the cops, though.

Cash food.

Word up.

Two for fives over here, baby.

Word up.

Two for fives.

Niggas got garbage down the way.

Word up.

Cash food.

Everything around me.

Queen get.

Yeah.

Check this old fly shit out.

Word up.

Cash food.

Everything around me.

Queen get the money.

Here we go.

Check this shit.

I grew up on the crime side.

The New York time side.

Staying alive was no job.

Alright, I'm back

Good news

I already ruined my brand new Muhammad Ali shirt

By getting oil on it

By getting chicken grease on it on accident

That was great

Beautiful

What do you do?

What do you do in that situation?

I just put it in the cold water

I threw it right in the cold water wash

Immediately after it happened

I took it off

Threw it in the wash

Turned it on in a short cold water

I'll tell you what worked really good

Good, man, is that Clorox 2 works really good.

Or less oil.

I'm going to take the color out.

Excuse me, won't that take the color out of it, man?

Clorox 2.

Mm-hmm, Clorox 2.

Gotcha.

Double the Clorox.

Double the shirt-ruining power.

Or less oil.

I took the pill, then I realized it doesn't say Lortab, it's Lexapro.

I have no idea what Lexapro is or what it does, so I'm kind of worried now.

So, Zar, if you could tell me, because I just took one.

It's all anti-depressant, dude.

What's that going to do to me?

Am I going to be able to go to sleep tonight?

Jonathan, you're on the air.

Jonathan, what does Lexapro do?

Do you have any idea?

I don't know.

I'm out of tech.

I just took it on accident.

I thought it was Lortap for my pain.

It was Lexapro.

I don't know what the fuck it's going to do to me.

Huh.

Lexapro's for anxiety, so it's not going to do anything for my back, apparently.

That's great.

Beautiful.

At least I won't be nervous about the back hurting me.

It'll still hurt me, but I won't give a shit.

I'll be like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Awesome.

Well, cool.

Hey, let's call Jim Noble.

What have you been up to?

Oh, Jonathan, man, my back is killing me.

I've got my eyes bothering me.

Scratch my cornea a little bit.

It sucks.

Yeah, man, what have you been up to?

I'm drinking water.

I've been working like crazy.

Yeah, I'm thinking about going to the bathroom and throwing up, making myself throw up.

I'm going to be upset.

What do you know about getting oil or like an oil stain out of a brand new T-shirt?

What would you recommend?

Cold water?

Uh, yeah, I would try cold water.

Should I put detergent in there with it or just the water?

Just the cold water and the detergent.

I didn't put detergent.

I forgot to put the detergent in.

Hang on, let me get the phone.

I better go do that now before it starts.

Let me grab the mobile phone here real quick.

Give me a moment.

Jonathan, are you there?

I feel like I'm taking a trip over here to my laundry room.

All right, so you think it's just a lot of detergent?

Is there anything I can spray on it or anything like that?

I don't know.

It all depends what you have.

I don't have anything.

Jesus Christ, this is loud.

I've never heard this so loud before.

This is like nothing in there except for one shirt.

All right, Jonathan, it's all on you, man.

This better work.

You guys are making a good point, though.

He said less oil.

Sounds like a good idea.

I never would have thought about that, but I guess it's cleaning and it's an oil, so it'll probably grab the stain, right?

I use that on my refineries.

And it'll wash it out with itself.

That's probably what he was getting at.

It takes all the grease right out of them, man.

I mean, like, heavy, heavy, nasty petroleum grease, man, from inside of vessels.

It'll take it out.

Oh, yeah, it's just been a crazy week.

Especially when St. Patrick's Day was over.

Oh, I did.

Oh.

What'd you do?

I did go to a St. Patrick's Irish pub.

That's awesome.

Tell me, how was your St. Patrick's?

You know when I figured out it was St. Patrick's Day?

That night, before I went to sleep.

I was like, oh yeah, today was St. Patrick's Day.

I was watching TV and they were making light of it.

It was Frank's night.

I didn't drink during the day.

I had to work.

Oh yeah, I mean, you can't drink during the day.

Only psychos do that.

Well, yeah, I mean, all the big parades and stuff like that were on the weekend, I think.

The weekend before.

It already all happened.

I understand.

That's what I heard.

I don't know if it's true.

That's what I heard.

I'm eating pistachios.

My favorite nut.

Eating them on cam.

Pistachios, yo.

I wish you could eat shells, man.

man. It'd be so much easier to eat nuts. I eat nuts all the time. Like sunflower seeds,

I don't want anything because you got to shell them and all this stuff. And I know how like

these people put in like a whole bunch of them in your mouth and you get one at a time

and shell it and spit it out. I can't do that. It's too much work. I will only buy, I love

sunflower seeds. I will only buy them if they're already shelled. You know what I mean?

Ready to go. A little salted, a little, a little bit of roasting going on there. Do

it for me. Forget that. That's too much work. I got, I got nuts to eat. You know,

I'd rather eat peanuts. It's a lot faster. Cashews. I'm a big fan of mixed nuts, Jonathan.

Jonathan. I love buying the ones that you go to Walgreens, you get yourself the premium ones,

the ones that don't have peanuts in them, or just cashews, macadamias, almonds, etc., etc.

Ah, good stuff, man. Gotta love it. Gotta love nuts, man.

Yeah, just to let you know, I might be going up your way in a few months.

Well, you're going to come back to Orlando. We should hang out, man.

I think Dr. Legosid is going to be in Orlando, too. Maybe he'll be here at the same time.

I'm thinking it's sometime, I think it's next week, the next week or two.

Maybe Leggo will be here next week.

Who knows?

I think he left the chat room already.

If he was still in there.

If he is still in there, let me know.

No, he's gone, so we don't know.

Oh, well.

He might be here next week, if not maybe the week after that.

Who knows?

Looking forward to it.

I would like to meet Dr. Leggo.

I haven't met him in person.

Yeah, yeah.

Cool.

At least maybe we can meet each other in person.

Yeah.

All right, Grinch.

Well, I'm going to head out.

I'd like to say hello to everybody,

and especially my buddy Lord Spoon out there that checks in with me.

great weekend

alright brother man

take it easy

alright bye bye

talk to you later

bye bye

so I took

I took an anxiety pill

never had anxiety pills before

I ain't really

always been the kind

like yeah if I have anxiety

I got it

but I ain't gonna take it

Prozac's the best though man

wow

hey man

what do you think

let's call Jim Noble

speaking of anxiety

okay

I'll get that from Gtalk

I'll get the number

he's always says

he can find a guy

to show my notes for me

but he could

I don't take calls

from Connecticut

cause you never know

who it could be

a lot of AIDS out there

you know what I mean

gotta watch out

Surgeon General's

got a call in

the Surgeon

Surgeon General

you know the line

Madhouse right here

in the air

go ahead

what's going on

Mikey no

Mikey123

what's going on bro

I don't know

what I'm doing

so what do I do

tell me

see I don't want

to put it in cold

because it's a

brand new t-shirt

and if I put it

in hot water

I mean if I put it

if I don't put it

in hot water

it's going to shrink

or if I do put it

in hot water

it'll shrink

is that how it works

it's just a cold

wash in your shirt

right yeah

because if you

wash it with hot

Hot water, it shrinks.

Yeah, it's too late for the pre-soak, too, if we would have known that.

I don't have any of that spray.

I used to have that little, that Tide spray stuff, you know?

You could spray it before.

Before you threw it in the wash, you could spray it in the wash.

Spray in the wash, spray in the wash, that's what I'm talking about.

Well, if it doesn't come out the first time around, then I'll buy the spray in the wash and give it another try.

Maybe the second time it'll come out.

It'll suck.

I just got the shirt today, man.

And I'm eating chicken.

Like, I was getting, I didn't even eat it.

I was just moving it over to a plate.

And then I said, wait a minute, I probably shouldn't be doing this with a brand new shirt.

And I looked down, and I already had a spot on it.

I was like, oh, man, this sucks.

Because it kind of dropped from my hand onto the plate.

So, whatever.

Bummer.

What can you do, right?

Yeah.

How long have you been listening to the show?

Me and Milkman were talking amongst ourselves.

We were doing the Madhouse meeting.

I was a podcast listener one night on that media playlist.

Hey, so do you use iTunes for your podcasting on your iPod?

Is that what you use?

Yeah.

When is the most recent episode that shows up there?

Because I have people telling me there's been nothing since December.

I've got people that say it's working fine, that the dates are wrong.

But I fixed the dates, but it's still an update for some people.

What does it look like to you?

Do you know?

Does it show that there are no new shows?

You're not sure?

No, I'm on a laptop, man, right now, somewhere.

I've been falling back.

Well, anybody who's listening, if you could report, let us know if you are a podcast subscriber

subscriber, or if you use iTunes, if you can subscribe to our podcast and let us know if,

you know, if you see all our shows for the year. You should have every single show from January

coming up. Some people are saying no, that the, that the January and February shows are mixed in

with 2008, like way deep inside of it. I, I don't see the problem, but tons and tons of people are

telling me that that's what's happening. So I'm looking into getting iTunes for support to help me

out with that just in case. So if you get a chance, let me know, you know, follow me, follow up with

me. All right. So you want to do a prank call or just call and say, what's up? Awesome, bro.

Well, thanks for listening.

Thanks for calling in.

Don't be a stranger, as I said to everybody.

I like to sit on my...

I don't have any.

Well, you have a fan in Maven.

There you go.

All right, man.

Get my out, Paul.

All right, see you later.

Bye-bye now.

See you around.

I keep leaving both mics on.

It makes the audio sound really bad when I'm talking.

Milkman, did you call Maven?

Milkman over here keeps begging me for Maven.

He's like, oh, I've got to call Maven, man.

I've got to fix Maven's computer.

I'm like, I'm not going to give you somebody's phone number like that.

I can't just do that.

So I gave you the phone number to the rejection hotline.

Did you try calling it?

I guess you didn't because you probably would have been mad at me.

You should have called it.

Call it now when you get a chance.

There's a Rejection Hotline out there, folks.

I think it's like rejectionhotline.com or something.

Google it.

Who's this?

The Surgeon General.

What's going on, brother?

Not much.

Hey, I want you guys to know that all standards apply.

Any medical advice you may receive from Madhouse Live and 98.6 The Mouth, you know, is bogus.

Your mileage may vary.

Right.

There's nothing health accountable for your stupidity.

We'll make the best effort we can.

I got you, man.

All right.

All right, so what can you tell me?

Of course.

Well, I can tell you that the Lexapro you took here later on down the road,

actually, first of all, where'd you get it from?

Was it your prescription or someone else's?

It was someone else's prescription.

That's okay.

You know what?

The unlicensed pharmacists of America really do keep the underground running.

Yeah, they do.

Someone's got to.

Yeah.

Actually, the Surgeon General's advice for this week is to wipe front to back.

All right.

Actually, what concerns me is that, you know, all the women bashing that this show does,

I mean, you know, rightfully so, of course.

Yet you're all concerned about how you're going to do your laundry.

Yeah, well, I mean, you've got to be in touch.

You've got to keep yourself clean, man.

Maybe it's the Puerto Rican in me, but, you know, I have five different types of colognes,

and, you know, I know how to keep myself clean and looking nice.

And I have to buy new shirts.

I like the tags, man, popping tags all the time.

It's better than popping the collars.

That's right.

There you go.

All right.

I'm going to let you go because I'm going to hear some more prank calls, all right?

All right.

Should I be concerned about the Lexapro, though?

Nah, don't drink any alcohol for the rest of the night, and take as directed on the bottle.

Don't drink any alcohol, gotcha, okay, gotcha.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

On it, man.

I'm just okay to hide, of course.

All right, man.

All right.

Thanks for calling.

That is the czar.

Thank you for calling in, czar.

All right, we've got to do prank calls here.

Jim Noble, coming up next.

Play this guy's voicemails that he's been leaving me.

He's a fucking freak, an asshole.

Tell him about it right now, son of a bitch.

We got a lot of numbers from the Lonesome Loser.

Got to get to him, too, milkman.

Forget that.

that all right i sent you deborah mansfield too hello jimbo bangers yes sir what the hell do you

keep calling me leaving me like uh perverted um threatening messages all the time i just went

through my voicemail you know how many voicemails i deleted from you that you left over in the last

month or two to place a call press one to listen he's a chicken shit you tell him i said he's a

chicken shit milkman when you talk to him tomorrow jim bobby hung up awful quick jim bob's an

an asshole oh dude you gotta call him right back man getting fired up press one to play all

recordings starting from a specific date press two his old woman was happy with you i guess

all right cool let's continue moving on all right okay animate yourselves folks

i see that ayara thai cafe coming up next after that baja fish tacos

I'm running into a problem here.

Yes, hi, this is the Thai Cafe.

Uh-huh.

Do you guys still take seatings?

No, we close.

What time is your providings open?

We close about 8.30.

When do you open up your providings?

11 o'clock.

How many providings do you offer at 11 o'clock?

Breakfast or lunch or dinner?

What?

Do you use coconuts there?

What?

Do you use coconut milk there or coconuts?

How do you, what kind of?

In some days.

Yeah? Is it coconut milk or coconut meat?

Coconut milk.

Do you have any dishes to have that use the meat of the coconuts?

No.

No? Do you make your own coconut there?

No.

You buy it in a can?

Do you have an option where you can get genuine coconut milk for a surcharge?

No.

Well, sometimes you guys have it in the back somewhere, so...

We got a can.

Would you eat that food that you make there?

Is that really traditional, or is it just like what for white people?

Of course.

Is it you eat that when you go home and you cook the same stuff?

Of course.

The same exact stuff, right?

Yeah.

Why is it when I come in there sometimes, if I come in for a late lunch,

you people are sitting around, like, making your own dinner or your own lunch

or make a big meal for all you people right in front of everybody,

and all you do is you eat, like, some of the stuff, but you don't eat all the stuff.

Like, you don't eat most of the stuff on the menu.

I never catch you guys eating the bad stuff.

How can you catch us eating something?

I catch you, I caught you eating one time.

I went in, and it was late in the afternoon,

and I caught some people that were working there that were eating lunch.

On the clock.

They're eating lunch on the clock.

I think it's disgusting.

I don't want to sit there watching other people eating.

So if it's disgusting, just don't come, okay?

This man...

Shut up.

You're stupid.

They'll...

Ayara Tefe, everybody.

That's who that was.

We'll give him a second call.

He's trying to hang up.

Stupid woman does not hang up the phone.

Zara mentioning that we degrade women here a lot.

Are we really in order for that?

That's bad.

That's horrible, you know?

I got a wife coming soon.

I'm going to be someone's...

I'm going to be, hopefully I'll be a little girl's father one day, you know.

Think about that.

What do I want?

Do I want a daughter first or a son first?

I always say I want a son first because then the older son can protect the daughter.

I think my mom and Athena want a girl.

I don't know what the fuck's going to happen.

Or maybe we could have a milkman.

I mean, it could be both.

Banana show.

Good idea, Mikey.

Let's ask for that.

Who says we degrade women here?

Come on, man.

We're the best friend to women on this station.

Right.

We kisses, maven.

You're our buddy.

Are you at High Cafe?

milkman hey

do you guys do a banana show there

come on

yes hi I'm calling about the banana show

the show will come back in a second

I think he's trying to trace our call

seriously I want to see a banana show one day

I heard about them you know

I came out with the ones off the top of my head

and then we found out there's a real banana show

if you're wondering what the banana show is

it's a woman makes a banana disappear

in front of a lot of people

do the math it comes back awesome sometimes she eats it sometimes she pushes it out i heard that

the the famous one in japan over there by the by the base over in okinawa that she she she will put

the whole banana inside of her and then she'll cut it she'll she'll push it back out but it'll

be in pieces like she'll drop it in guys mouths and stuff oh man that's nasty nuna sent a number

and then it says, give me attention, call my number.

KJ Twin, St. Petersburg, Florida.

Sounds good, let's do it.

That's brand new again.

Pissed off at all of you for all your crappy suggestions.

You guys can include anything original.

I got one of a donkey show.

Well, no, I mean for the shirt, the t-shirt.

Someone said cornstarch.

Hey, what's going on?

I speak with...

Who is this?

This is Kay.

We're going to speak with Big Kay.

Yes.

Hey, Kay.

How do I get, like, an oil stain?

I had a brand new t-shirt and I didn't want to, you know,

I started eating chicken with it

and I dropped a small little speck

and it got on the shirt

like right in the front.

What would you recommend?

Who is this?

I threw it right in the cold water wash,

but should I put something on it

like cornstarch or Lysol?

Who is this?

This is Valente.

Jesus Christ.

Will you just answer my question, please?

Excuse me.

I do not know you.

But I just need help, please.

How do you get an oil stain?

You're a woman.

You obviously know how to clean the house

and all that.

You know how to clean dishes

and clothes, right?

Or are you a lesbian?

Leave the call.

Press 1.

Is that my question, old broad?

Come on.

We've got a voicemail here coming in.

Breaking news, everybody.

A voicemail has been left on the Grand Central, one of the Grand Central lines.

Let's go ahead and take a look at that and see what that might be.

I'm going to go ahead and access that here.

I'm presuming it's going to be from Jim Nobles.

You want to know what's awesome here?

With Grand Central now, because Google upgraded them this week or since last week,

it will actually transcribe.

Yeah, I still need an account.

Yeah, when they're available, it will.

will but listen it it automatically transcribes voicemail into text so right here it's telling

me what my what the voicemail is and i don't even have to play to listen it says what i done my ass

hey buddy my wife and back together you want to talk to her a call back that's what it said it

that's not bad let's see what it actually sounds like let's play a message here oh my gosh yeah

google's fucking crazy google's the fucking leviathan jeez the new charlie fatten yeah let's

See what it sounds like.

Hang on.

got a twitter though dumbass hey buddy my wife and

i are back together you want to talk to her call back oh they're back together milkman did you know

about that i don't believe it no i think it's a lie dude so instead of what a dumbass is what i

done my ass it came out as hey buddy my wife and back to you so it's not 100 perfect but it was a

very low like he wasn't talking very loud anyway so that's probably why i didn't do it 100 but

that's awesome man like you don't even have to listen to your voicemail it'll transcribe it right

there for you it just transcribes it for you milkman okay that's awesome okay shut up yeah

something's getting to my head here because i'm getting really tired really fast and i'm thinking

and some goofy stuff.

Didn't we call Erwin already?

I think we might have called Erwin.

Hey, is this Erwin?

Yeah.

And did I call you already, bro?

I think I already called you, man.

Did I already call you

and tell you what happened at work?

No.

Oh, man, it was crazy.

It was a fight at work

and they fired like three people, man.

Bro, are you coming in tomorrow?

Hopefully.

I don't know.

I think they're letting a lot of people go.

They let one person go

because of the layoff

and then they got into a fight

and then they fired the manager

who laid them off.

Oh

Yeah I know

You might as well

Not even come in man

They're firing people

Left and right

Today at work

Wait what do I work at again

I forgot

You forgot right

You forgot where you work at

You stupid shit

Hang up the fucking phone

You stupid asshole

Go fuck yourself

You stupid shit

Prick

Oh

Go fuck yourself

Shut up stupid kid

Who is this

This is your fucking mom

Go hang up the fucking phone

This is your real father

This is who it is

Go ask your mom

How I taste

She'll tell you

Go

Go ask her now

I'll let you know

Go ask your mom

How I taste

Go ask her please

My mom's not

not here well when she gets there you ask her how um valente tastes she'll tell you she'll give you

a kiss she's dead well no she's not she's here with me right now actually she's here with me

huh we we don't we're not even the name basis i call her human call her human human human you

want to talk to her human oh no everybody have yourself a good night megaphone out do the devil

Yeah, that's magical.

Bumps the ass.

Fucking prick, that kid.

He's like half a fag.

Your friend's a half a fag, Snip.

I am bisexual.

I'm fabulous.

What do you want, Piggy?

Hello.

Stopping hour of Madhouse Radio?

Yeah, whatever, man.

Whatever.

What do you do?

What did you do with that girl that I told you?

I told you to, you know, kick her to the curb.

Was she going to tell you what to do?

She wants to change you to her?

No.

Fuck that shit.

Does she have a problem with the way you eat, too?

I bet she does, right?

Yeah, she has a problem with syndicate, too.

Oh, God.

See?

No, forget it.

Not for you.

She's not the one.

Get with Emmy Rose.

You know, you and Emmy Rose, I think that'd be a nice little couple.

She got a girl?

Oh, she got a man?

Or a girl.

She did be a hot item, man.

She even in the air?

No.

I think you and Emmy Rose have something to look at.

Yeah.

I don't know.

She's quite fond of you, buddy.

What's going on with Comcast?

Have they been bothering you lately about your internet service?

Yeah.

They had this fucking power booster thing in the back that gave me like 10 to 12.

of mag service

but I was only

paying for six

and they took it off

and it's all like

slow now

they gave you a little

taste of it

and then they took it

away from you

so you called back

and get that power boost

right those little bastards

those sneaky fucks

no no

now I can only get eight

I'm pissed

you're only getting eight

they probably filtered it man

why is your radio

up in the background

isn't that the first rule

of you know

of radio professionals

yeah reclu

that sounds great

thanks appreciate it

hey man when are you

going to come over here

and fix this carpet

you got to get something

to get this fucking gum

that you mashed in here

Yes, you soiled it.

Don't call it soil like it's something like that,

like you're some kind of smart kid.

It's not soil.

You fucked it up.

Yes, you did.

How did I fuck it up?

What's on there?

You spilled candy.

You spilled candy all over.

Dude, you're lucky Athena cleaned the mess

because I was going to take a picture of it

before I had to clean it.

You left like eight cans hanging out all over the place

and candy wrappers and food wrappers,

McDonald wrappers, I think.

And then you messed up the floor over here.

I took a picture of that.

I got the picture of that.

Man, you can't do that.

If the candy falls from your mouth or from your hand when you're eating it,

don't let it just fall on the ground and don't pick it up.

You pick it up and throw it in the trash bin, man.

You throw it in the trash can.

There was a trash can right next to you.

I put it there on purpose because I know you needed your trash.

So what happened then?

So what happened?

It's close quarters.

It was me, you, Zolar, and that Italian kid.

And we get up and we start mashing around and moving around,

and the candy gets ground into the fucking carpet,

and there's some black splotches in the carpet now, man.

It sucks.

No, that's not right, man.

I think it's funny.

Yeah, it's funny, sure.

Yeah, funny, asshole.

Son of a fucking asshole.

It's funny.

Stupid fuck.

Fucking shit.

Fucking ass.

It's funny.

20 minutes on the phone card.

Fuck.

Four minutes, but it's complicated,

and I can't do it.

It's too complicated to explain to you people,

So don't expect me to get more phone calls

What's going on, Joey?

Yeah

Hey, man

What's going on?

You know what?

What?

I heard that Green Day sucks a big, fat, hairy dick, man

What the fuck?

They do, they suck balls

They suck baloney balls

Dude, are you on crack or something?

They the worst band

They think they're punk

Green Day is punk, you dumbass

If they're punk, then, like, Limp Bizkit is, like, hard, like, rock, man.

Well, that's different.

Limp Bizkit sucks generally.

Fred Durst is a fucking loser.

Green Day is better.

No, Green Day is just the same.

That Billy Joel guy who wears makeup, he's effeminate, he's anti-American, he's pro-socialist.

What the fuck, dude?

He's not anti-American.

Yeah, he is, and he's a bisexual, too.

He's not bisexual.

What the hell is up with you?

There's proof of that in the magazine.

What magazine?

Stalker magazine.

Stalker magazine?

Vogue magazine.

Stalker magazine?

I never heard of Billy Joe Armstrong in a fucking stalker magazine, dude.

Stalker magazine.

It's like for stock racing.

Oh.

It's an expose.

Right, okay.

He came out on the field and he has a relationship.

You know who the Rainbow Warrior is, right?

What, the Rainbow Warrior?

Rainbow Warrior, man, from NASCAR.

He has a secret relationship with him.

Oh, with Jeff Gordon?

Yes.

Oh, that's bad.

Well, everybody knew he was gay.

They're caught on tape kissing

Holding hands

And they had a 15 minute warm hug

What the fuck

I'm done for the night

Get out of here

I hope you enjoyed it

I hope you enjoyed what you did

I hope you enjoyed what happened

Or Kim

Madhouse Radio is live

Thursday nights at 10pm Eastern

Why don't you shut the hell up

Fuck you

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Calls (16, 51 min of 1 h 39 min)

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