2009-04-13 Show

Sorry, excuse me?

Is this the stupid Kirby crap that you people are trying to get me to sell?

That Kirby vacuum shit?

This stupid Kirby shit?

You jerkass.

You hung up the phone.

Was it an accident or on purpose?

You tell me the truth right now.

What?

You know what?

What is your problem?

Hey, hey.

What are you calling him?

You jerkass people forgot about the drop shipment again, didn't you?

You son of a bitch.

Who the fuck is this?

Fucker, who is this?

You are listening to House Radio Podcast.

Everybody, good evening. Good evening.

Well, I'm going to be doing this all day today.

Good morning.

We used to do morning shows around here.

Madhouse Radio, morning, Monday, Monday, morning shows here.

Carlito and Tucker Mike from tuckermike.com in the house.

What's up, Tuck? How you doing, sir?

Hello. Just got a cup of coffee and started seeing your I.N.s bouncing all over my screen.

Oh, yeah. They come from everywhere, man.

And I hit everybody from all different spots.

But, yeah, we're a bouncy bounce.

We're live on Syndicate Radio.

We are also live on the Madhouse Radio Station, 98.6 The Mouth.

98.6 The Mouth.

As well.

Thank you, everybody, for tuning in with us.

We're going to do a – we'll see what we do.

Lonesome Losers is around, too.

He said he's going to attempt some prank call confirmation numbers.

That'll be good.

Look forward to that.

I see he's in the chat room right now.

Thank you, Lonesome.

Caught him at the right time.

But go with this as long as you can

He's a bit tired

And of course I have the Sunday paper

Yesterday's paper

Which is usually what we end up doing here on Mondays anyway

It's always fun

We end up applying for jobs here

Taking a look here

Doesn't look like things have improved much

In the last month and a half

Since we last did this

We still have only a one page

Wow, look at that

First of all

One of the pages is just one big ad

Where's the mic?

One big ad for that page

The other one

Well it's basically all ads

Except for maybe a fourth of the page

has some has some actual postings on it that's all ads right here ads ads ads ads ads so the

economy has not changed apparently back page all ads they got some uh jobs right here that's it

everything else join our school that's basically what it is i mean for the most part people are

you know a lot of people are finding themselves in in a career in industry where they're not going

to be able to find anything or move up a lot of people just going back to school if they have

the ability but uh we still have plenty of numbers that we can call we got a taxi driving

driving opportunity with the mirrors transportation group here in orlando we also have limousine

chauffeurs customer service collections agents uh has no phone number but we got numbers for

the other two that i mentioned we got an assistant manager trainee paying 500 a week customer service

representatives and the uh full-time and part-time gas electric telecommunications nights and days

in longwood florida let's see what else jumps out of me here i should have scanned this before we

we started the show i just didn't have time office sales video distribution porno my guess

monday through friday nine to five in winter park florida ten dollars an hour excellent qb

experience what quickbooks quickbooks quickbooks i think that's what it is quarterback experience

i'm gonna call and say yeah yeah i got i played quarterback al bundy five five touchdowns in a

single game all right let's do that then office oh man i gotta i gotta get phone card minutes i

I've got to charge up the spoof card real quick.

My bad.

No, man.

Don't!

I forgot.

There's one step.

There's always one thing I forget.

That's nothing.

That takes pennies.

Are you going to be green?

Oh, no.

We need to have a spoof card missed.

But what I can do in the meantime is play a new prank call that I edited.

This is a prank call from Thursday.

We had an average show on Thursday, but there were two gems of prank calls in that show.

So I'll go ahead and play the one.

I forgot what it's called.

It needs to be one real good one.

The one with the lady.

the uh the hotel one what was it what did i call that apologize for that it was like apologize for

all that apologize for all that yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's what it was i posted that around

the uh the web actually haven't gotten much feedback about it but i thought it was a good

prank call at least oh i did want to mention i did talk to jen stewart uh yesterday evening or

yesterday afternoon his website jen stewart.com j-i-n-s-t-e-w-a-r-t.com is up he redid the site

He's back.

He's got some new pranks.

I was listening to two or three of them right now while I was setting up.

Are you hosting it now?

Yeah, we're still hosting it.

We've been hosting it since about a good five or six months now at this point.

I think it's been a while.

Okay.

All right, big guy.

Listen to this.

We'll be right back.

I'll have to make a reservation, please, as soon as possible.

As soon as possible.

Oh, Jesus, God.

I want you to apologize about that, too.

Okay.

All right, well, obviously we can't apologize for anything around here.

Well, let me apologize for that.

Tape out and blow on it.

Yeah, the old Nintendo tapes, yeah.

Slap it on the side.

That reminds me, I sort of watch it.

Tuck, have you ever seen the Angriest Video Game Nerd?

Do you ever see his stuff?

There's this guy out there.

He does reviews like old 8-bit and 16-bit games.

Oh, man.

You've got to check it out.

He's got his stuff on YouTube and et cetera.

Look for the Angriest Video Game Nerd.

The guy's funny.

He curses a lot.

He's angry.

He gets mad at these old games and the crappy controls and stuff.

stuff, he was reviewing Batman, like the old 16-bit, 8-bit Batman, the first one that came

out, I used to play the hell out of that, yeah, he gets angry as he's playing it, and

he like reviews the crappiest of the crappy games from back then, like the really shitty

ones, the really hard ones that were impossible to beat, yeah, like you remember Dragon's

Lair, you remember that Dragon's Lair game, remember there was a game called Dragon's

Lair that was like a video disc game, I could never get past the beginning where you had

You had to go over the bridge?

Was it animated?

It was like a, yeah.

Yeah, it was like animated.

It had like really good, yeah, it had like good quality animation, yeah,

but it was impossible to play.

Like you'd start it, and I'd pump quarters into this fucker,

and you'd start off and you had to cross a bridge,

and like, you know, you get to a certain point,

and the guy would, you know, this big tentacle would come and grab you,

grab you off the bridge and kill you every time.

I'd try to take the sword out, I'd try to dug, this and that, nothing.

I could never figure it out.

I saw a guy play it once

and beat the hell out of it

but he spent like

I want to say honestly

he spent like a good 10 bucks

trying to beat that

but I could never get

anywhere in that game.

It looked good.

I mean it was awesome

especially back then

like you had animation

style graphics

you know back then

it was really good.

It was like

at the point in time

it was like revolutionary.

Oh yeah.

Hey Davi

hey my cat's saying hi.

Alright let me play this

while I

let me play this

since that other prank call

isn't working right.

We're back.

Yes hello

this is Ralph Littlejohn

and I'm applying

in response to your ad that was under retail in this Orlando Sentinel from yesterday.

I have experience with ad placement.

Okay, you're talking to an ad that was at the Orlando Sentinel place?

Right, you folks put an ad here that says new ad placement.

I have experience with ad placement in the newspaper, so I wanted to apply for this job.

Okay, read the whole thing to me.

New ad placement.

For your convenience, Orlando Sentinel Classified is available for a new ad placement.

24 hours a day position, 7 days a week available, 365 days a year options.

Call 800 and it has your number.

So I wanted to apply because I have retail experience and ad placement experience.

Okay, sir, that is not a job.

But it's in the job offers.

It says here job offers.

I realize that, sir, but it's not a position that we have available.

It's in the career builder.

I understand that, sir, if you would please let me finish my statement.

Why are you discriminating against me because I'm applying for a job?

Sir, I am not discriminating against you.

I'm trying to explain to you why that ad is there.

Because it's an open position.

No, it is not.

What I'm trying to explain to you is that is what we in the business call a house ad.

That is directed to the employer.

Yeah, okay, so this is the employer I'm calling.

Orlando Sentinel is not for the employment.

For the employment, yeah, okay.

We do not have any positions available in the retail section.

What is your fax number there so I can send my fax or an e-mail address?

You can find out what positions the Orlando Sentinel has available by going to our website, OrlandoSentinel.com.

Yeah, you can transfer me now.

Can you transfer me there, please?

Sir?

Can you transfer me there now, please?

No, sir, I cannot.

You can't transfer me to get the jobs.

This is not fair.

I think it's because you know that you have the same job, that you're intimidated.

Sir, I am not intimidated.

I am a customer service rep.

And that's why I'm trying to get a job in customer service ad placement.

Okay, sir.

We do not, what I'm trying to explain to you is we do not have positions available.

This is horrible.

I know.

It says here you have a position, new ad placement retail, sales, new ad placement retail.

And then all of a sudden, oh, I don't have a position because you sound like you're going to.

I am not an HR person, sir. I am not an HR person.

Well, I asked you to transfer me, and you're refusing. You're blocking me here.

You're interfering. You're running interference.

No, I am not interfering with you, sir.

What is your ID number?

I don't have an ID number.

Well, I'm going to report you. I'm going to report you to the Career Builder.

I don't work in Career Builder, sir.

Transfer me now. I command you to transfer me.

Sir, you can command me all you want to.

I cannot transfer you to CareerBuilders because we are not part of CareerBuilders.

Okay, here's my...

I'm going to ask you one question.

Let me finish, please.

I can't. I can't.

I have a problem with letting people finish stuff.

Can I just do mine first and then I'll let you do yours because I don't want to forget.

It's a good point.

Please?

All right.

Okay, good deal.

Thank you so much for being understanding and professional.

Answer me yes or no.

Is there a button on your telephone machine that says transfer?

Yes.

Push that button, and then put the extension in for CareerBuilder, and then press transfer.

Now, but you can finish what you need to say first.

I do not have a position.

I do not have a phone number for CareerBuilder.

Well, who handles human?

If you had to call your human resource director to see if your medical benefits were okay,

you can transfer to that number, right?

No, sir, I cannot because our benefits are handled out of our office in Chicago.

Oh, the Tribune Company?

Yes.

Oh, that crap.

Those Republicans.

Please, maybe this is best that I don't get a job with you.

Are you a Republican?

Is that why that's what it is?

Because I'm a Democrat, maybe you're thinking, oh, we can't have this liberal here.

I understand.

It's okay.

I think to do with it.

It's called blackballing.

I can tell you how to find positions that are available with the Orlando Sentinel.

I just want you to know that Martin Luther King didn't sacrifice himself for this.

That has nothing to do with what you want.

Well, you're bastardizing the whole movement of...

Live phone call now.

We're calling live.

Yo, what's up?

Hey, this is Eddie. Yo, is Felicia there?

Sure, hold on.

Oh, Eddie Garcia back. Been a while.

Felicia, can you speak up? I need to make a complaint.

My mother came in last week, Thursday, with me, and her foot got run over by this car.

heart. Then we called and we made a complaint and they refused to take the information for

the complaint that we're making. And I called to speak to a black man and a white girl and

they both hung up on me several times and said bad words when I was trying to get a

complaint to get your insurance information. If someone went over, my mom's full with

a cart and she has encephalitis of the feet and they had to put cortisone injection inside

the bones and everything. And then your people over there refused to give information so

so we can make a police report and go to the report to Blue Cross Blue Shield.

I called Thursday night.

What time did you...

It was Thursday during the day.

I don't know if she came.

I don't know.

I don't have her on a leash.

I don't have that kind of control over my mother.

I just know she came in, and then you people ran over her feet.

How come you people leave the carts outside and make people run over your feet with a cart?

Why?

Yeah.

But there was someone else's cart from another store outside.

But why was it in your parking?

Why?

There was a cart out there from somebody leave a cart from another store,

and then it went over my mama's foot.

Here's Thursday during the day, and there was a cart outside,

because they went out there a couple of times.

No.

It was a cart only for a few moments when they ran over my mama's foot,

and they left with a cart.

So you people obviously not paying attention.

You got a dangerous parking lot, dangerous store,

and why don't you have the warning there to tell people not to take carts outside of the store?

They're supposed to return the carts.

There's a 1-800 number you can call.

I already called and they said to call you.

That you have the information of me to put on the paper here.

So I can fax it.

I don't know the information.

They said to ask you to get the papers.

The papers.

Is this a paperless store?

Who is 1-800?

No, I don't know who this is.

Sir, it's a Wawa 1-800.

That's what I called it.

1-800 Wawa number.

I did and they said to call the store Felicia.

They said to speak to Felicia in the store.

The person who makes the decision.

You have my number?

407.

Listen, Felicia, I need you to please call back.

because they only give us another, like, until the end of business today,

5 p.m. to file the paperwork, and if not,

then it comes out of my mom's deductible.

And she don't fix income.

You understand what fix income mean?

That means every penny she make, it goes to something.

And then she only gets an extra $30.

So she come in to buy ice cream, and then look what happened.

Come you don't have the Blue Bell sugar-free ice cream banana split.

Why?

Well, and look what happened.

Okay, no ice cream, and then my mother lose her foot, maybe.

Maybe she lose her foot.

When you smell it, the doctor said if it smell like cheese,

you're going to lose it, and I think it smell like cheese.

Okay, like I said, let me call them and see what they want me to give you, okay?

All right, tell them they need to call back,

and I need to speak to the Wawa doctor, too, please.

Okay, all right.

Hurry up.

Okay, I'm waiting.

Go ahead and call.

Or whatever.

That was stupid, but maybe she'll call back.

Hopefully.

That's a work in progress, Tuck.

It's good.

Yeah, yeah.

I think I fixed the other prank call.

I apologize for all that.

Let's try to play that now.

There we go.

Yes, hi.

We'll have to make a reservation, please, as soon as possible,

but we have to get through some stuff first before we do that.

Okay.

What was that?

Am I holding you for a moment?

No.

Ask if you can put you on hold and he'll just throw you on hold.

That's an ask.

Just at least wait for me to say yes.

When she comes back, I'll tell her no means no.

Okay, you're trying to make a reservation.

You need to call back between the hours of 7 a.m.

First of all, it is not okay for you to place me on hold.

You didn't let me answer the question.

What did you say to me last?

What was the last thing you said to me before you put me on hold?

I said, can you hold just a moment?

And then did I get to answer, or did you just throw me on hold?

I didn't know if you answered or not.

So you didn't pay attention for my answer.

Why did you ask?

Why didn't you just say, I'm going to put you on hold?

Why wouldn't you just do that?

Sorry about putting you on hold.

Well, no, it's okay.

You could have put me on hold.

I think you know what you really need to apologize.

It's for not caring about what my feelings were about you placing me on hold

and just putting me on hold and making assumptions.

Don't they teach you that you're supposed to wait for the answer?

Like, what if I would have said, no, I don't want you to put me on hold?

What were you going to do?

Okay.

Because it wasn't okay.

Okay, I didn't want to be put on hold.

I'd like to hear you talk in the background.

Okay.

So I think you should make up for it.

Give me a reservation.

I'm sorry for putting you on hold.

Okay.

What else are you sorry for?

For reservations, you have to call between the hours of 7 a.m. and 4 p.m. to speak of reservations.

I want you to apologize about that, too.

Okay.

What am I apologizing for?

That I can't make your reservations right now because we have a reservations department?

Yeah, please.

That is here between 7 a.m. and 4 p.m.?

Apologize for all that.

Okay, I'm sorry that I'm not able at the moment to make the reservations for you

because reservations is normally here between hours of 7 a.m. and 4 p.m.

Okay.

What's your name?

My name is Shabana.

I want you to apologize for that, too.

You want me to apologize for my name?

Yeah.

Is there something I can help you with, sir?

Reservations.

Okay, reservations is here between hours of 7 a.m. and 4 p.m.

I can hold.

So you want to hold until 7 a.m.?

That's okay with you.

No, it's not because I have...

Well, wait a minute.

And when you asked me if you could put me on hold, you didn't have any consideration for my feelings.

Would you like to speak with a supervisor or someone else?

Since, unfortunately, I'm not the one that's helping you at the moment.

Obviously not.

Obviously, you know, is this a man I'm going to talk to?

I'm helping you to the best of my ability right now, and unfortunately, I can't.

Please don't interrupt me.

Please apologize for interrupting me.

We lost a patient.

Place a call.

Call back and tell her she didn't get permission to hang up on me.

Yeah, may I speak with your Shaquanda, please?

Shaquanda?

Mm-hmm.

Sorry, sir, there's no Shaquanda here.

Is there a black girl there with a name that starts with S-H-A?

Yes.

She hung up the phone without permission.

Would you like to talk to her again, please?

Hold on.

Place a call.

Press 1 to listen to your recorded call.

They're just hanging up now.

I'll try one more.

I'm down to 8 minutes.

I'm probably down to 7 minutes down the phone card.

Thank you for calling this phone.

Yes, I've been hung up on twice there,

and I require to speak to a supervisor, please.

Absolutely, I'll transfer you.

Mrs. Shaquanda?

This better not take.

I only got 8 minutes, 7 minutes left now.

Do you mind holding?

No.

Oh, wait, I meant to say yes.

Damn it.

She got me.

She tricked me.

Thanks for calling.

Look, I can't wait all night for you to put me through to people.

I only have about six minutes left on my phone card now, so you need to make it fast.

Okay, I can give you the number you can call.

And I said no.

When you asked me if I could hold a minute, I said no, and you still put me on hold again.

Can you please apologize?

Okay, in order for me to transfer you, I have to put you on hold.

So if you don't want to hold, I can give you another number to call.

If you don't want the other number to call, you can't make reservations.

Well, tell the person to come to the phone that I need to talk to, the supervisor, because I'm making a complaint about you because you hung up the phone and you said bad words.

Oh, I said bad words? What bad words did I say?

You know what you said when you hung up the phone.

I heard it.

What did I say?

I don't repeat those words. I'm a Christian. I don't repeat...

Sir?

You must enjoy talking...

Sir, I'm a Christian, and you're being really rude right now.

You said a bad word.

You know what?

I'm going to tell you some really bad words in about five seconds and lose my religion.

So do you want to make reservations or not?

I want you to apologize for the bad words that you said.

I'm not apologizing.

I'm not apologizing for anything.

Because you're horrible.

You're a horrible person.

Okay.

I'm so glad you think I'm so horrible and hell's going to freeze over eventually.

God's going to come down and kill me.

But how can I help you?

It's bullshit.

Yeah.

Put me through to the manager right now.

To place a call, press 1.

Yes, I'm sorry.

I hung up on accident.

Can I please speak to Shaquanda again?

Shaquanda has gone across the street to the hotel.

Who's this?

This is another worker.

What's your name?

I choose not to give you that information.

You're required to tell me.

This is the Christian woman again, isn't it?

Why?

You're the Christian woman.

I'm not required to give you anything.

You're the Christian woman.

You know, if you take a look at the permits on your wall,

you're required to give me what information I call because you...

We don't have any permits on our wall.

Because you...

Oh, so when I have a hotel, there's not a permit on the door when I close the door?

There's none.

Because you're required to have it on there, so you must have fire hazards there and you try to cover it up.

Oh, really?

I'm going to let you know right now.

Every time you call me, I'm going to hang up on you.

You're the nasty Christian bitch who hangs up the phone.

To place a call, press 1.

All right.

That's called Apologize for All That.

It's going to be in the podcast effective within the next two hours.

I promised over the weekend a lot of people asked,

Hey, asshole, where's the podcast updates?

dates the answer i just finished editing the third of three episodes to update that's right

that's exactly how they say it but yeah i um updated uh three episodes they're gonna be up

uh momentarily when we end the show i'm gonna hit the uh transfer button and in about 60 minutes

from then everything will upload and update in itunes for everybody and all your podcast

feeder catchers etc etc upload once you sign up that's right and then you guys will be happy

Happy. You can ride your bikes and tune in while you're in the library shelving books.

I'm going to get ahead of myself and be up right after you sign off.

All right, we're going to call that office sales job here.

Every episode you do.

This is for video distribution, a Monday through Friday job working 9 to 5.

I've got technology to make that happen.

And they want QB experience.

Quick books, I'm presuming. I'm going to say it's quarterback experience.

We'll see where we go with that.

Let me get a song here.

This is off, hey, Tuck, you know about MF Doom, right?

I didn't know I taught you about MF Doom, that we play his music basically every night here.

MF Doom, yeah, the brother that wears the Dr. Doom mask.

That's right.

He's a very talented rapper.

We play his music basically all shows.

Every show has at least some MF Doom in it, our intro, our outro, et cetera, et cetera.

This is off his new album that came out a week and a half ago.

It's called, he had to drop MF.

Now it's just Doom.

No longer MF Doom, just Doom now.

But still a good album.

This one came out on March 20-something.

Copyrighted somewhere?

Somewhere, somehow.

I think he got some copyright issue.

But anyway, everyone calls him Doom anyway,

so it doesn't really matter.

Anyway, this is off his new album called Born Like This.

It's really good.

This one is called...

He just made a hit for himself.

He just called it,

man, I'm just going to be Doom.

Doom.

All right.

Microwave Mayo.

We'll play the rest of his songs here for the show.

We're only going to be on for like another hour or so.

Enjoy while you got it.

Thank you.

Good morning, Jackson.

Hey, Jackson.

How you doing?

Doing good.

Good.

Good. I wanted to make an application for your job machine you guys have authorized here.

Office sales.

What is your name, sir?

This is Jack Valente.

Jack Valente?

Yes, sir.

Okay. And what's your phone number there, Jack?

407-459-4534.

And are you at least 21 years of age?

Absolutely. I'm 29.

Okay. Do you have a reliable form of transportation?

I do. I can transport myself quite well.

Good. Are you currently employed?

No. I'm in between employment.

I got fired from my last job.

And what did you do at that job?

Well, I was in the video distribution, actually.

I worked at Blockbuster first.

I used to distribute videos to people there.

And then I did post-production in a local independent video firm.

But I got discontinued because of a romantic thing.

It's kind of hard.

I don't think I'm supposed to talk to you about it.

You're not supposed to ask me about it or something.

Well, you don't have to.

We ask, why do you leave?

And you say personal or whatever the case might be.

Can you strike that from the record, please?

Yes.

Okay, good.

Now, it says here you need QB experience.

I actually have three years of experience when I was in high school with QB.

Okay.

Do you have any Excel experience?

I have excellent experience with quarterback.

I was third in the state of Florida.

I played for Hialeah High School down south.

And I had one game I had three touchdowns in the fourth quarter.

and then we tied for state playoffs,

but then we lost in a Texas standoff the next week.

Okay.

What is the highest level of education that you do have, sir?

Ninth grade.

Competency.

I mean, I got my high school diploma,

but my competency level always came in at ninth grade reading level,

ninth grade math level.

Okay.

Now, tell me more about this video.

How do you distribute these videos exactly?

We're a wholesale video distributor.

And this is in pornography, I'm presuming, right?

Because this is the kind of experience I have.

We have adult and horror movies and classic movies.

Okay.

Okay, now the adult movies, are these more like Skinamax kind of thing,

or do they actually show the, you know, insertion?

No, we do show the penetration.

The movies we have here do show penetration.

Penetration movie?

Okay.

What about the fetishes exactly?

I mean, I've got certain things I don't get into.

I'm a Christian man, so I'm okay with vaginal penetration,

but definitely no anal penetration, sir.

We've got all kinds of movies from the chopping-the-heads-off horror movies

to, you know, the hardcore adult movies.

I can't have any anal penetration in what I touch.

No man-on-man, anal penetration kind of stuff.

That doesn't fly with me.

Am I distributing this to high schools or stuff, or how does it work?

No, we work with video stores only.

In other words, most of the stores we have right now, we've been doing business with them for 20, 25 years.

I had an idea.

What about going to some of the nursing homes and distributing videos to them?

No.

On a per-case basis?

We don't do cold call sales or anything like that.

Do you know that Watchtower magazine that the Jehovah's Witnesses...

Excuse me?

Do you know the Jehovah's Witness magazine, Watchtower?

I probably have seen it around.

Yeah, well, they put it in airports and old people's homes and stuff like that, old people.

So they used to pay me, Watchtower, used to distribute these things.

I leave stacks of it by the bookstops, bus stations, bookstops, Chinese restaurant lobbies.

So every once in a while, what I do is I sneak in a video every once in a while.

I sneak in a video every once in a while with a phone card, a $10 phone card.

You're laughing, but pornography, old people like pornography.

You don't think that, you know, you have a grand...

Everybody does.

Are your parents...

That's not our business.

We don't deal with any phone cards or Internet in that manner whatsoever.

Are your parents still alive?

I'm doing the interview with you, sir.

Well, I'm asking you questions.

I mean, it says, I saw in 2020 that I'm allowed to ask all the questions that I want.

Don't you dare hang up.

You stay on the line, you answer my questions.

Are your parents still alive?

Because if they are, they're probably watching...

Sir, I will answer reasonable questions.

That's a personal question.

It's not related to business.

May I make a statement?

This is a business matter.

I have no reason, and there's no law,

I don't care what 2020 says,

but they're going to agree with this too,

that I have to answer personal questions.

Hugh Downs said it himself.

You know who Hugh Downs is?

I really watch very little TV.

He's the guy on Law & Order.

Listen, can I make a statement?

Am I allowed to say things,

or do I just have to answer back to you?

If you want to make a statement, sir,

you're more than welcome to make a statement.

Here's my statement.

If your parents are indeed still alive

I bet you they do watch pornography

Okay

There we are

I appreciate the statement

Okay

Have you ever thought maybe they do?

I mean, does that creep you out?

No, it doesn't

I walked into my parents having sex when I was 8 years old

I've been around for a long time

And I'm well aware of, you know, the people that are out there

I walked into my parents having sex when I was 8 years old

And I hit my dad in the back of the head with a baseball bat

Because I thought it was hurting mommy

Every time I watch porn now

I just think about my dad hurting mommy

Mommy, on top of Mommy hurting Mommy.

You're disgusting, you know.

You're disgusting on the day after Easter selling, you know, flesh like that, a body.

Right.

I understand.

Do you go to church?

I do appreciate the interest.

I don't think that I would be able to do any...

Well, you have to.

Well, I know it's a law that you can't discriminate against me.

You have to give me a listening interview.

Not discriminate against you.

Well, yes, you are.

Are you an equal opportunity employer?

We always have been for 40 years.

Then why don't I get a chance at an interview?

Do you have a resume that you would like to forward or fax over to us?

If you give me the fax number, I will gladly fax it immediately to you, sir.

407-628-5.

Okay, can I send, do I have to pound before I send that, or how do I do it exactly?

No, you can just go, just dial the number direct and fax it right over to us.

Sir, should I fax again?

I'm going to get him off the line somehow, Jesus Christ.

Friendly porno guy.

You know, he's great thus far.

What?

And he's, you know, job pranks.

We've got to come up with a term for it.

Job pranks, is that what we want to say?

Interview pranks?

Job pranks, job pranks.

Okay, what's the best thing?

You haven't been successful in getting a job yet, have you?

I almost got a job as a doctor.

Remember, the guy was getting rated a...

That's right, he has to have been zero.

Well, you think.

When I keep faxing over, farting into the phone,

I don't understand how fax machines work.

You've been doing this a while.

You see, just how bad the economy is.

You haven't even gotten hired yet,

offered a solid offer yet.

Tuck, I'll be honest with you.

a job delivering videos

to local video stores

9-5 Monday through Friday

at $10 an hour

that's not a bad job

using the new Excel and QuickBooks

I could take that job

I'm thinking about calling back

and quitting my current job

it's just too much responsibility

I'll be making 2 thirds of what I make now

I'll make $15 an hour

what application is that?

it's an accounting application

application you use it for accounting uh you know accounts payable accounts receivable uh kind of

stuff um i was going to school for accounting kind of you know and i had a job for a while

where i was working in quickbooks and that's the one i don't think ever said the story they had me

working in quickbooks and i hated the job i hated i wanted to get fired um so i stopped working like

i would stop i i stopped entering in stuff i figured eventually they'll let me go and i can

go on unemployment you know i'll just say i didn't understand it and they'll put me on

unemployment which is exactly what happened well what i actually did uh in quickbooks whenever you

submit something it makes a noise it has like a wav file that goes like whenever you complete a

task so they would like listen and make sure you know they could hear that noise on my computer

so i found the little file the wav file uh on the computer you know and i just played it with um you

know windows media player every time they come by i go and there were a few times i go like i hit it

twice on accident you know and they're like whoa but yeah they had yeah it was really funny i

figured out how to make the noise so they didn't know i was just slack and i would sit there and

i was like listen to stern and uh on stern fat network and and uh chilling literally like i

hated it was a miserable job and i said well i can't quit because i won't get unemployment um

and i can't like you know act a fool and get into a fight because you know then i won't get

unemployment they'll they'll they'll negate me but if i if i just say that i work to the best of

my ability you know and they didn't like it they got rid of me for that then you know they had to

give me unemployment sure enough exactly what you know that's exactly how it went down smart on me

man so that's i recommend that if you work in quickbooks and you want to get fired find that

little file and play it every time they come by but don't do the work and that way you can get

you can lose your job but you can go on unemployment all you have to say is you claim that you absolutely

work to the best of your ability how they're going to prove that oh no he just he sat there

and refuse to work.

Yeah, okay, right.

They can't prove it, guys.

They can't.

It'd be harder to prove it

than to, you know,

just give you the damn money.

Kokanee's in the live room here.

Also good to see Kokanee,

our news director.

My website is madhouselive.com.

If you haven't figured it out yet,

visit my website, madhouselive.com.

We have forums up there,

prank calls out the wazoo,

old episodes, bits, etc.,

video files.

We've got a Wikipedia page.

And we have a podcast

which you should subscribe to.

As I said,

I'm going to update it tonight

night with two prank calls this afternoon actually two new prank calls the three of our last episodes

and this one we're doing now here um probably should be updated maybe later today even maybe

i will maybe i will in the meantime i say that uh let me let me uh where's my pen at here we go

let me cross that one out so we don't call it back again that'd be embarrassing

office sales is out of here all right let's see what else we got any questions

Also, if you want to reach me on AOL or Yahoo Instant,

Messenger Madhouse Radio is my screen name.

Okay, we got one here.

AC Installers.

Wesson Airs, hiring for residential and commercial installers.

We have excellent employee benefits, top pay, paid holiday,

six-year vacation, health insurance, 401K, year-round work,

Longwood area, and they gave me the phone number.

Awesome, cool.

that I was just talking about.

The only problem is

I got to take a whiz

really bad

so I'm going to have to

find another prank call

here to play first

because I got to take a pee

really bad.

Let me get the

let me get that up here

and see what can we play.

Any suggestions, Tuck?

I've pranked

former jobs before.

Oh, yeah?

Later on?

Yeah, you got to wait.

You got to be careful

because they know

where you live, man.

They got your information.

Oh, yeah.

Like years later.

Yeah.

I'm looking here

Final destination

No

Public toilet seat

I have no idea

What this is about

This isn't a public toilet seat

This is number

You know pizza

Pasta

And more

And one bite

And we gotcha

Yes it is

Hey would I make an order

With you

For a pizza

Okay

Are you gonna come

Pick it up

Is that okay

I mean

May I come in

Yeah

You can come

Pick it up

Okay

Do you have a deli there

No.

Do you have cold cuts?

Well, we have a deli sandwich.

Yeah.

Could you put some of that stuff on top of the pizza?

What kind of stuff?

Like deli.

Like salami?

Yeah, like salamis.

What kind of quesos do you have?

We put mozzarella.

What was that?

Mozzarella?

No, what was that noise on the phone?

I don't know what you're talking about.

What number did you hit?

Did you hit one of the numbers on accident?

It's okay.

You can tell me.

No.

No, I really didn't.

It's embarrassing.

This one time I dropped the phone in the toilet when I was talking to someone about getting an interview.

And I got it out, and I didn't know that it was still working.

And I was like, you know, F this and S and the D word, and they heard I didn't get the job.

That kind of sucks.

Yeah, dude.

And my phone smells.

It's got a smell, and it was probably from the toilet.

Probably from the toilet.

Yeah.

I don't want to get in your phone.

Hey, do you normally, do you sit on the seat if it's a public bathroom, or do you hover over it?

Um, I'm really kind of busy right now

No, but I need to know, I'm studying for a part in a movie

So

Why not?

It's Sam

You don't know

Nothing with me

I'm Ricardo Montalban

I don't believe you

I don't even know who that is

Oh my, that's very, that's a slight, you could at least say, oh yeah, I like you

This is, you've never heard of Ricardo Montalban? That's me

No, I'm sorry

Oh, I was in a few commercials

And I was in the latest Star Wars movie

The latest Star Wars movie?

Uh-huh. And I'm on TV. I'm on a show called Dirty Sexy Money on NBC.

Oh, congratulations.

So do you hover when you go to make a number one in the public bathroom?

Or do you sit on the toilet seat? Do you put toilet paper down?

I usually use a seat cover.

Oh, you just sit on it?

No, I use a seat cover.

You use a seat cover? But what if there's none?

What if you just have either a toilet seat...

You really, really ask me some weird questions.

Do you want to order pizza? Because I have a lot of work to do.

Okay, but the answer, if you had to go and you couldn't use the toilet, no toilet paper, no seat cover, would you sit down on it or would you just hover?

No, I wouldn't sit down on it.

You wouldn't?

Because I would like to see you like your white virginal flesh sitting on the white ceramic porcelain cold toilet seat.

Okay, do you want to order? Because I really don't want to be rude to you, but I do have work to do.

Do you get goosebumps when you have to pee and you sit in the toilet and force yourself to hold it?

Excuse me, for real.

Seriously, I'm going to hang up on you.

I'm turned on by goosebumps.

That's great.

Why don't you go find somebody who's got goosebumps right now?

I'll give them to you if I let me talk to you a little bit more.

Oh, my gosh.

I'll tell you about them.

Have a good night.

Hey, come on.

Let me give you some goosebumps.

Have a good night.

Bye.

All right, goosebumps.

She was a nice girl.

She was a sweet girl.

I'm in the process of dialing that AC number right now.

Don't go anywhere, folks.

Hey, good morning.

How are you, sweetie?

Good.

How are you?

I'm pretty good, big girl.

Girl, I want to make an application there for AC installation job.

I got a lot of experience with that kind of stuff.

Okay, well, we're looking for lead installers and installer helpers.

I could lead, but I can follow.

Wherever you tell me you want me to go, sweetie, that is exactly where I'll go.

You're more than welcome to come fill out an application.

Okay.

Do you have a resume?

Should I bring my tools with me?

Not today.

Oh, man, because I want to show you my tools.

Can I show you my tools?

Can I at least show I know how to use the tools?

If the manager's here, he'll look at your tools.

Okay. Would you like to look at my tools?

No, thank you.

I have one long screwdriver.

It gets deep inside there, so you can get the one, and it has a magnet at the end,

so if you lose the nut, you can pick it up back with the end of it.

Do you want the address?

Can I just, I mean, I prefer faxing.

I mean, I like to come in as little as possible.

Do I have to come in on a daily basis to pick up parts?

Yes.

Will you guys do drop shipments to my house?

Hold on one moment.

I want some losers sending in a gay and lesbian switchboard number.

That sounds good.

Yeah, hi, this is Joe.

Can I help you?

Hey, Big Joe, how you doing there, buddy?

Yeah, what can I do for you?

Calling about I have a problem with a drop shipment.

Still hasn't made it over here, so I was calling in.

Laid over there is talking about something I have no idea what she's talking about.

You have a drop shipment?

Right.

Who are you with?

I'm in Winter Park.

No, no, what company?

With Winter Park.

You have a delivery for us?

No, no, no.

You guys were supposed to make a drop shipment together, and your guy still hasn't shown up here.

So then I was going to apply for a job,

but this is like a big freaking joke, this place.

Okay, I don't know what you're talking about.

This is Western Air, right?

Yes, it is.

You guys have, this is the third time in a row

that you jerks have not shown up for these drop shipment.

What are you talking about drop shipment?

You're a bunch of jerks.

You're not even from Florida.

Where are you from?

You're from New York.

Asshole, I'm going to call back, talk to Joe.

Something with my bitch.

He's got to look at me.

What are you talking about?

Western Air, this is Anthony.

Let me help you.

Hey, you put that jerk-ass Joe back on the phone.

Hold on one moment.

Thank you.

You jerk-ass.

You hung up the phone.

Was it an accident or on purpose?

You tell me the truth right now.

You know what?

What is your problem?

What are you calling him for?

You jerk-ass people forgot about the drop shipment again, didn't you?

You son of a bitch.

I'm going to stop calling him jerk-ass.

I think jerk-ass is a bad thing.

Big old Doc saying jerk-ass.

Jerk-ass, motherfucker.

All right, we're going to circle.

I'm going to highlight that.

I'm going to put a star next to it.

Tuck, you know what that means?

That it's a special number that we might call again.

Yes, special, special.

Special, special.

It's got a star.

Watch me autograph that.

Right now, I'm going to put my star in it.

Hang on.

Let me circle it first.

Wesson Air.

And then I'm going to use a highlighter star.

One, two, three, four, five.

Little, nice and small.

That's right.

There you go.

Gold star for them.

Autobody technician here also.

Five years experience.

Eye care preferred.

Whatever eye care means.

It must be some kind of computer machine they use.

Good pay and benefits in the

Kissimmee area. That's too far away.

I don't want a job over there. Automotive

Service Advisors. Universal Nissan

Hyundai. Is it Hyundai

or Hyundai? I never figured

it out. I used to say,

it's got H-Y-U, so I guess it would be Hyundai.

And who drives this? Do people still drive this?

What happened to Datsun anyway? Last I knew, Datsun

was the hot shit for pickup trucks.

Now you can't find a Datsun anywhere.

I want a Datsun.

Who bought Datsun?

Let's call Hyundai and ask them about the Datsun cars, man.

Because that's sad.

We need Datsun back.

Let me Wikipedia that real quick.

Datsun.

D-A-T-S.

I bet you a lot of kids don't even know who Datsun is.

Datsun was like Japanese, I thought.

Datsun was a Japanese company.

It was an American company, wasn't it?

Datsun was an automobile.

It says it was an automobile marquee.

There was never an actual Datsun company, it says here.

It was Nissan.

Oh, yeah, Nissan Old Datsun.

Okay, I knew it was something like that.

Oh, okay.

There you go.

All the bass in the place to be.

Don't believe the hyperbole.

It's like a murder screen.

It's like vermin.

In 2001, Nissan marketed their D22 pickup model in Japan with the name Datsun, thus the rebirth of the name.

This time, however, the use of the brand name was restricted to one specific model name, and it was only produced from 2001 to October 2002.

so there was a resurgence of it

but not for long

I'm looking here, the name change campaign

lasted for a year between 82 and 84

and Nissan said it cost them

$500 million

how does it cost $500 million

to stop calling stuff Datsun and just calling it Nissan

why don't you just change the name

people are still going to buy the car

ridiculous amounts of money for nothing

on bullshit

that's what we're in now

stupid people

stupid rich people

screwed everything up

on horseshit

jackassery

is what it was

ok let's call this

taxi place

no no no

we're not going to

call it taxi place

a billion seconds ago

was 1950

a billion seconds ago

was 1950

that's not that much

ok

5 wacky women

gift shop

and retail store

or a Lonesome Loser sent in.

Also, we have the Gay and Lesbian Switchboard.

Let's call it the Gay and Lesbian Switchboard.

I'm game for that.

Nothing wrong with that.

Let's call that right now.

Hang on, ladies.

This is the Gay and Lesbian Switchboard.

Oh, good, good, good.

Could you please put me through to that one guy that lives,

he's about three blocks down from me that I suspect he's gay.

Excuse me?

Could you please put me down?

I think his name is Bruce.

He lives on 22 Main.

I don't know anybody on 22 Main.

I'm not near Main.

Well, this is the Gay and Lesbian Switchboard, right?

This is the Gay and Lesbian Switchboard.

Yes, sir, I've said that four times.

Please, well, and for the third time, I'm asking you to put me through to the gay person on the list three blocks down for me so I can speak to them.

There is no one else here, and there is no gentleman here, and I don't know what you're talking about down the street.

Is this not a switchboard?

Aren't you supposed to be able to put me through to gay people?

No, I'm not.

That's not what it's about.

No, I spoke to the guy at 411, and he said if I wanted to get through to a homosexual specifically.

Okay, sir, he's obviously not telling you the truth.

Ruth, I can't transfer you to nobody.

This is a switchboard line.

It's like a hotline if you're in trouble or if you need resources.

I need resources.

I need to speak to that guy.

I need to speak to him about a job offer.

Okay, you need to get the direct number from that guy because I don't have his number.

I don't.

I can't transfer you.

All I know is that he's gay is all I know.

And then I call 401 and they say they call the gay switchboard and they gave me your number.

Right, but I don't know who this guy is.

Just type it in your computer.

22 main gay and you'll probably come back with a response.

Do you have Google?

No, I can't.

Google it.

I don't.

You do it.

I don't have a computer.

Okay, well, I can't find it.

I've got an Epson, like, 5500 word processor, but it doesn't go on the Internet.

Can you please Google Gay 22 Main here in town and get me through it?

Is this a switchboard?

What's your job?

What are you doing?

You need to calm down before I disconnect you.

May I speak to the supervisor, please?

What is the name of the...

I am the supervisor.

Who's your supervisor?

Who's policing the police?

Who's policing the police here?

Excuse me?

Who's policing the police here?

Who's your supervisor?

What is the name of the place you're looking for?

I'm trying to help you.

It's a person.

Okay, I can't look up a person for you.

Okay, it's Craig.

That's the name.

Okay, so you want me to look up a Craig.

Sir, I can't...

On 22 Main.

Yes, this is the gay switchboard.

They told me you people put me through to him.

I'm suspecting maybe he's not gay.

I put in 22 Main Street,

and what came up is a community of textual artists.

All right, put me through to them.

That's probably an artist, yeah.

Sir, I can't put you through.

This isn't like a switchboard from the 50s where I can put you through to a different line.

That's not what this is.

This is a hotline or a referral resource.

What I can do is I can put you through to a different line.

Why don't you tell me for the fifth time what you said when you first picked up the phone?

Because I'm getting tired of telling you the same thing.

Well, no, you're required to tell me these things.

This is your job, so, young lady, you tell me right now, Missy.

No, I've already told you.

Look at her, Missy.

You tell me those answers right now.

That's a gay and lesbian switchboard.

Awesome.

That was good, Lonesome.

What's the story now about a Berlin Zoo?

What happened over there in Germany?

What'd they do now?

Lady jumps into the polar bear enclosure at the Berlin Zoo.

Why would she do that?

Was she going to...

Don't they have a polar bear called Nut or something like that?

K-N-U-T?

That they were all in the rage about two or three years ago.

Then he got big and started eating people.

This here says I had to be 18 or over to see it.

I don't think I want to see that.

But yeah, they'll jump in the bear pits.

Don't do that.

So now we learn about Datsun.

I had a feeling Datsun had been gone for a while.

But they had those pickup trucks that were all over the place for so long.

There's one day at a Datsun 720, it says here.

One of the most popular pickup trucks ever sold in the United States.

Definitely wasn't its time, it says here.

That's something.

Hmm.

Oh, okay.

Cool.

More numbers to do here.

The Mighty Mushroom Restaurant.

Well, some loser says it looks like they have very good reviews.

That's a good sign.

That must be popular.

We got a customer service job here for an assistant manager trainee.

we're gonna hire you to be a to train to be an assistant manager someday good deal four hundred

dollars a week no experience my guess is this is uh oh yeah well we're gonna train you to be an

assistant manager while you're in training to become a manager um you're gonna uh get to sell

these colognes and perfumes to businesses i had that once i applied for a job oh i got so pissed

off they're like i got this job once well here's i went to the interview and they're like the guy

15 people showed up

and there were a few dissenters

that got up and left

so basically he's like

there's no copyright on colognes and perfumes

you can't copyright a scent

so we sell designer imposter

colognes and perfumes

and what we do is for 3 weeks

you have to go door to door

to different businesses here in Orlando

and try to sell these perfumes and colognes

to the employees

and after you do that

you know you get your own office and the raise and this and that and i was like are you kidding

me really it was like such bullshit like who so anyway uh yeah so one of the guys that was there

well one of the guys that was there like it was a friday and said everybody come in on monday

and you don't get paid for those three weeks like you can't get paid like okay so basically you want

you want me to work my ass off for three weeks trying to sell colognes bothering people at work

and then you're probably going to tell me oh it didn't work out sorry here you go and i don't get

of paying and i work for you for free for three weeks no thank you but anyway so a friend of mine

uh not a friend of mine but i made a friend there you know the interview that day and we traded phone

numbers and i called him and he said it was the worst thing ever he said that they were like they

almost got arrested twice on the first day he was on a job like he was shadowing this guy and they

were going to like uh they would go up to like the receptionist and every single time they you know

say no we don't have any solicitation get out of here and then i and then i worked downtown in

in an office once

and I learned,

I found out really quickly

that these people

come in all the time.

Oh, I know what you're

talking about.

Those are all over the place.

Oh, man.

People will come

with their perfume boxes

all the fucking time.

Yeah, there's a guy...

It's just the same

kind of thing,

I'm sure.

It's just shit.

Right.

Dude, we don't want this...

I mean,

other businesses

don't want to deal

with bullshit like that.

Yeah, but it was kind of...

There was a guy,

he used to come to our

building all the time,

but he actually had ties,

you know, neckties,

and they weren't that bad.

I bought from him quite a few times

we had a guy who used to come around selling

video games like he would sell

like a

game boy advanced games

and stuff like that PSP games

we used to think he was a thief

then we had one guy came in once and he was trying to sell

art he was trying to sell

picture frames and stuff like that

and like the CEO of the company

the owner got pissed off and yelled at him

told him to leave and then 10 minutes later

I'm going downstairs

upstairs and i noticed that one of the pictures on our wall has been stolen and apparently the

guy stole it he came back like a year later and he had that picture on him and we called the cops

on him but he got away it was pretty funny he actually stole a picture off our wall like yeah

fuck you all right he stole the picture for a while and he came back like a year later and he

had in his inventory like we're like oh really yeah you're back uh-huh let's see what you got

he forgot yeah he had like uh he had a van and then i was looking in there and i said

and i told her i was like my friend renee's like renee dude that's the fucking picture right there

it was like hold on hold up don't you go nowhere don't you go to his like no fuck that and like

you know he got on his cell phone to call 9-1-1 and the guy ran off he i guess he forgot yeah

yeah he did the whole jedi mind trick wave thing like you know these aren't the pictures you're

looking for this isn't your picture this was so funny because i'm walking i'm walking downstairs

after they kicked him out the first time and it's like this big like there's a spot in the

a square that looked like it used to have it had like a darker shade than the rest of the wall

and it was like a nail i was like don't tell me this guy did that and i went upstairs like hey

renee come here and they're like yeah he stole that one picture of don quixote he had a don

quixote like i don't know it's whatever why do you have i don't know i don't want to explain

the whole don quixote thing there was a whole wall of don quixote art what can i say coming up next

the assistant manager trainee and after that we got some more numbers from lonesome loser we got

I've got about 30 minutes left to show, though.

Lonesome Loser, you can stop confirming,

because I've got to get somewhere around noon.

I've got to do my parents' taxes for them.

They're going to come over,

and I've got to air out the place a little bit,

if you know what I mean.

All right.

All right, cool.

We'll be right back.

Next prank.

Hi, this is the association.

Hello.

Am I speaking to the association?

And this is South Beach Association.

How may I help you?

Yes, I wanted to apply for that manager job.

Okay.

Will I get to fire people?

Probably not.

You see, I just recently

got fired from my job

and I just so want

to get revenge.

I'm trying to get a job

where I can just fire

several people

and then be done with it.

I just want to get back

to society,

get back at you people.

You're disgusting.

Oh.

What information do you need

to give me the job?

Hurry up.

I want the job.

I need the job.

Okay, well,

we're doing interviews today.

Uh-huh.

Phone interview?

Do I have to come in?

So the address is, yes.

I do it on the phone.

Okay, so what time

should I call back

for the interview?

No, you come in.

Where do I come in to?

The address.

Okay.

What suite is that?

And it's...

Okay, I've heard of a...

Yes.

So what kind of job is this?

What do you require me to bring?

What do I need to bring with me?

Resume?

Yes.

Sell me on the job?

I'm not going to come down, honey, unless you give me some information.

What am I going to do exactly?

Do I have to sell perfumes and colognes?

No, basically, it's a distribution company for a home maintenance system.

So, am I going to be...

And you would just be talking to the customers about the product

and answering any questions that they have.

Are these really?

Wait a minute now.

Are these really?

We come up with managers from within.

Are these really customers?

Or is this more like I'm going to be calling people to try to make them customers?

No, they really are customers.

Are they old people?

What is this, a diabetes machine?

No, it's like cleaning system, like cleaning supplies and stuff.

Okay.

So they're going to call me?

Are you sure I'm not going to?

If I have to call anybody, lady, it's going to be me and you.

Your people aren't going to make me call people, right?

No, you have to talk to people face-to-face.

But are they expecting me to come over or am I just showing up?

Yes, there's appointments and you go to those appointments.

I'm not calling to make appointments.

If I have to make one phone call, I'm going to consider the job invalid

and you have to keep paying my salary while I'm gone.

No, you don't have to do that.

Well, all right.

And I don't have to go bother people.

I mean, they're going to expect me to come over when I'm coming over, right?

Yes.

Do I do demonstrations with a carpet machine?

Yes.

Do I get the soil stuff and then clean it?

Yes.

I mean, you'll basically demonstrate how it works.

What's the name of the product?

Hello, sir?

Hello.

Yeah, what's the name of the product, please?

That's something you'll have to speak with the client.

No, wait a minute.

So I'm supposed to come and apply for a job, and I don't even know what the product is.

What's the big secret?

Bullshit.

Tucky, you show up to these jobs sometimes, man.

It's fucking bullshit.

Feeds you a whole line of shit when you first call in.

I never showed up to anything like that.

Oh, fuck.

I ain't showed up to anything that shady.

When I was younger, I didn't realize it, and I showed up, and the second when I flipped

out on the guy, I got mad.

I was like, this is fucking bullshit.

It's the third one in a row where you people want me to sell shit.

Fuck you.

You go there, oh, yeah, customer service job, customer service job.

Fill out all this paperwork, come and get all dressed up, drive fucking 30 minutes in

downtown Orlando, I remember that, paying tolls and shit.

You get there, oh, yeah, you're going to have to sell this, this, this.

I said, wait a minute, you said customer service, son of a bitch, oh, well, ho, ho, ho, fucking

city.

How can I help you?

Who's this?

Hello, how can I help you?

What are the big secrets around here?

I'm still waiting for the information on what the product is I'm supposed to sell.

I'm sorry?

The product?

Our product?

Yeah, what's the stupid product I'm supposed to sell?

We are a distribution company for a home maintenance system.

Okay, so I was told...

What's the name of the home maintenance system?

It's called the Centria.

How do you spell that?

S-E-N-T-R-I-A.

I'm looking it up right now.

But sir, you are extremely rude, so do me a favor and please do not come in here.

No, I'm already coming in.

I've got the information.

Fucking bitch.

the kirby centria reviewed by consumer search let's see what this says here about the kirby

centria centria it's by kirby that's a vacuum company this sounds like bullshit to me this

is those kirby people yeah they they go house to house also can't tell me that because they

tried to get my dad a job once and it was like yeah you got to go house to house selling uh

uh-huh no bullshit uh-huh busted 12 separate machines and one easy to use unit oh man what

What a bunch of crap.

Can you believe that?

Here we go.

Here's a review.

I'm going to read this here.

I'm going to call him back on this review.

If it'll open.

Take your time.

ConsumerSearch.com.

Pros.

Here we go.

The Kirby Centria vacuum does a good job cleaning carpeting and hard floors,

and it has useful tools and minimal emissions.

Emissions?

Considering its price, however,

reviews say the Kirby Centria is unusually noisy, heavy, and hard to push.

Furthermore, experts and owners alike frown on Kirby's high-pressure door-to-door sales tactics.

Ha, ha, ha.

Busted.

it look what i found everybody what did i tell you what did i tell you man i know this shit

says it right here furthermore experts and owners alike frown on kirby's high pressure

door-to-door sales tactics i'm on to the little game that's what i said oh yeah you're being rude

no i'm not being rude i'm just being protective of myself and i'm not going to be going bothering

people door-to-door you get shot the cover name again uh what was it home cleaning what was it

a home cleaning system something like that some home cleaning system oh jesus no it was a name

it was oh centria centria centria kirby centria centria so if you hear anything like centria you

know why that shit is yeah you know you hear it you say we'll be back be on guard you're ready

to learn on manhouse radio what the kirby centria is don't deal with it they're going to push it on

you you don't want to get pushed on association are positive how can i help you hello yes i'm

I seem to have been disconnected accidentally earlier.

I was calling for my application.

Okay, what's your name?

This is Valente.

Okay, did you come in and fill one out?

Yes, I did.

Hey, is this that stupid Kirby Centria stupid crap?

Sorry, excuse me?

Is this the stupid Kirby crap that you people are trying to get me to sell,

that Kirby vacuum shit?

This stupid Kirby shit?

Yeah, it sucks is what it is.

You know what?

My mom got foot got run over by one of those Kirby vacuums

and now she's got to get cortisone shots every week

and you people refused to put it on the warranty, you sons of bitch.

Got what?

This is bullshit.

Your vacuum ran over my mom's foot and hurt her foot

and you people refused, refused to put it on the warranty

to help her medical bills out.

And then you're expecting me, you got...

You're telling me...

You want me to sell this...

...and ran over your mother's foot?

That's right.

You're telling me that Kirby just turned on and ran over your mother's foot?

No, she was using it under normal operations.

Okay, so she ran over her foot.

No, the machine ran over her foot because it was designed flawed.

It's a flawed design.

I'm sorry.

You have to push the Kirby in order for it to move.

It can't just start running away and run over your mother's foot.

Well, it went over her foot when she was using it is all I know.

You have to push to use it.

That means that she pushed it over her foot.

Yeah, well, and why did it break her foot?

Why did it hurt her?

Well, it's a pretty strong machine.

It's not designed to run over people's feet.

Is it designed to hurt people?

No, it is not.

But it's not designed to go over somebody's foot.

Yeah, but it's not designed...

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. Then why did it do it?

Why did we put that into our plan to make sure that it doesn't hurt people's foot?

Well, maybe you should. Maybe because you people sell inferior products.

I'm sorry, sir. You can look our product up online, and it has great reviews.

Okay, well, I'm going to tell you something.

I refuse your job offer because I'm not going to come down with you people.

That's fine. You're extremely rude anyway.

You have blood on your hands.

That's fine.

You have blood on your hands.

Do you hear me?

I hope you have nightmares when you go to sleep and you cry when you wake up every morning.

Do you go to sleep?

Yes, I hope you do.

Do you go to sleep?

That's right.

I hope you get pimples also.

Acne and sleep acne.

I hope all those things on you.

Oh, my God.

You are funny.

Mm-hmm.

I hope you get ingrown toenails.

Ingrown toenails?

Ingrown hairs, too, yeah.

And I hope you get heavy periods.

I hope every single period you get from here on out is heavy and that you have exceptionally

high, high flashes when you hit menopause.

If you haven't yet, you'll crow.

I command you to hang up the phone, Kirby bitch.

Can I speak to someone else, please?

Excuse me?

Why are you talking to your boyfriend?

Excuse me?

Why are you talking to your boyfriend?

Who is this on the phone right now?

This is your boyfriend.

Who is this?

Hello.

I'm a friend of your boyfriend.

Who is this?

I'm a friend of your boyfriend.

What is your name?

Valente.

Valente?

Yeah.

I don't know anybody named Valente.

I'm a friend of your boyfriend.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

No, you're not.

Okay.

You know, he keeps a pair of your panties and he sniffs them when he's driving in his Honda all the time.

I'm tired of you.

I'm going to hang up the phone now.

Goodbye.

Can I help you?

Yes, I have to make a...

Hi, can I help you?

please okay it hurt my mother and your people are refusing to put it under warranty put what under

warranty the medical bills for my mother's foot that got damaged by your machine okay well that

would be your homeowner's insurance i would take care of that no they said that i had to refer to

you because the product went over her foot and it was it was designed to hurt people okay well

what does it say in the manual for the for the kirby machine where does it say in the manual

that your people aren't responsible if the machine is turned on under normal operation

than to hurt somebody.

Because the last time I checked,

this is the...

Where does it say that

with a blender?

It does say...

Where does it say

with a blender

if it's...

I can show you right here.

...to cut your finger off.

It says you're not supposed to.

It says you're not supposed

to put your hand in it

when it's in operation.

Okay, well,

I don't think you're supposed

to, like,

put your foot underneath the vacuum

when it's in operation.

She was just pushing it.

She was just pushing it

like she's supposed to

and it went over her foot.

If she's behind it,

how would it go over her foot?

Because it's flawed.

It has a defect in it

and it went over...

The lawnmower says do not put your hands while in operation

Don't put your feet in front of it

Go get your books

If you tell me where it is on what page

I'll secede

But I know my lawyer looked at all the papers

And we got a case

Because I can't pay for the money for him to call

He charges me at the wazoo

I have to make all the phone calls myself

But he's doing all those letters

So what because I'm poor

You're saying because I'm poor I'm not entitled

Are you saying that

that, that I'm not entitled for?

Well, what do you say

if I can't afford it?

What's that supposed to mean?

And why was that woman...

I said there's attorneys.

That woman said

that she didn't care

if my mother had

an ingrown toenail

because of the machine

and that I had sleep.

You're talking about

an ingrown toenail?

The woman was talking

about ingrown toenails

in the background.

Okay, I don't know

what you're talking about,

but...

Well, can you put her

back on the phone

and explain?

Sorry about your injury.

Can you please put her

back on the phone

and explain what she meant

by ingrown toenails?

Let me get your name

and your phone number.

This is Valente.

I can hold.

Okay.

And what is your mother's name?

I'm holding.

This is the Valente family.

Okay.

Can I get your phone number in case I get disconnected?

407-59-4534.

45 what?

3-1?

4-1.

4541?

Okay.

What was the phone number?

Exactly.

There you go.

Time to get rid of her.

Huzzy.

Fuck Kirby.

I knew that was the flim flam, man.

I know I could tell.

I could smell it was a mile away.

Great call, says E.B.

Kogan says she was trying to push it up the stairs and it rolled backward.

There you go.

good idea

that's how it happened

just trying to push it up a ramp

alright good that was fun

maybe we'll call that next week again

have more fun with the Kirby people

I'm going to close these windows here

and see what else we can call

we've got enough time for about one

hang on what's going on syndicate

I think someone was going to go into 12

what's going on

sorry syndicators

does someone need to go on now

12 let me know

yo Carlito

Dr. Gorilla is ready for the 12 o'clock transfer

that's right

Dr. Gorilla everybody next

on syndicate radio

and on madhouse radio

We're going to pass things over as well to the rotation.

All right, take it away, Dr. Gorilla.

Thank you, everybody on Syndicate for watching slash listening.

Enjoy, Dr. Gorilla.

Please don't give him a hard time because he is, a member of his family, is sick.

Yeah, yeah, so you'll see this.

That's right.

I'll get it.

Let's do it.

Bye-bye.

All right, Syndicate's off.

All right, I've got to play a prank call here, and I've got to answer that.

I've got a phone call coming in from my dad.

He's on his way over.

Let me see how far away he is.

Okay, Orlando Taxi

Call number one

We gotta play something longer than that

I promise I'll try to do two or three more prank calls before we go tonight

Today

Compton Pizza

Hey, what's up, this is Eric Wright, how you doing?

Eric Wright

This is Eric Wright, who's this? Who am I talking to?

Michael

Do you take special orders ahead of time

So I can spend as little time as possible

Inside the store

It's a large order, and I can secure it with a credit card.

Well, usually we used to, like, do it, like, with the credit card.

Like, you know, we could take the credit card number and everything.

Right.

But now our systems don't work like that no more.

They don't take credit cards anymore?

Oh, shit.

Like, not with the number you would tell us, and we'll put it in and everything.

Now we can't work like that anymore because, I guess, previous incidents or anything.

There was an incident.

Like, in large orders, we'll have somebody come and, you know, basically give, like...

I saw on 2020 where a man called to order the pizza.

Not your place, but a man called to order a pizza.

And they took his credit card numbers, and they wrote them down with all the codes and everything.

And then the next thing he knew, they cleaned him out for everything and his benefits,

and they had him dishonorably discharged from the Army and everything.

think yeah it's like to come in we'll be happy to you know take it but what kind of people is it

are there dirty people that come in i'm just saying so yeah but you see that but i'm just

the reason why i want to do it over the phone is because when i come in i don't like to touch

counters or the doors or anything i wore a surgical mask that it's the same surgical mask

that I've been wearing for two years, and it's probably having no effect.

When I come in, I would like, you know, sanitary conditions.

But what type of people come in?

Are they affluent people?

Do some of them look like they don't wash their hands when they go to the bathroom?

You know, I tell you what other people do, we just start customizing our ability.

So we have our style up to you, whether you want to take it how you take it.

Wait, you have bulletproof glass even at the front?

So how do you get the food?

Dude, hey, man, is that because you guys are in Compton

that you have bulletproof glass, like in a bank?

Well, probably because of the area and because...

Is it really that bad in Compton, for real?

Like, I always heard, yo, you know, Dr. Dre and this and that.

It's not really like that.

There's some stupid white boys come in.

They're starting problems.

That's bullshit.

The white boys always start problems.

There's a job here for a body shop helper.

We got about 20 minutes left.

We've got about 20 minutes left or so.

Body Shop Helper says,

Call Tony.

My presumption, I'm going to assume Tony's Italian.

I'm a white girl. Come on, man.

It's all right. I can say those things.

You should get it notarized.

We're going to call Tony

and make disparaging remarks about Italians.

I have a notary right down the street.

Italians.

Available to take your call.

Please leave a message.

1 to play.

Message.

Press 2.

22.

Message.

1.

Good morning.

I'm called.

Regards.

15 a.m.

Sunday.

I spoofed the number of the job offer.

This will be quite confusing.

Please.

Returning a number for Mr. Robert Roberto regarding a job.

This is Tony.

Oh, no.

This is Albert.

How you doing?

How good are you with the printing the machine?

Body.

In the cart.

You got it, man.

Come on down to the shop.

When do you want to start?

Tomorrow, Monday through Friday?

I'm game.

Fine.

You're at.

Come down to the shop tomorrow.

Bring your papers with you, and we'll start.

Okay.

All right.

9 a.m.

You can wear jeans, but we prefer a collared shirt.

Okay?

Okay.

We'll see you then.

Thank you, Alberto.

Okay, you got it.

At that 9 a.m.

The shop.

It's in Orlando.

You got it.

We'll see you tomorrow, 9 a.m.

Okay.

Talk to you then.

Hello.

I'm looking forward to this, thank you very much

It came down to between you and me

We had a girl, a girl, Roberta and Alberto

I think we'd rather go with the guy

Yes, I'm here

Hello, can you hear me?

I can hear you, come down to the shop, sir

Alright, but tell me where the shop is

I hear the fire alarm is going off

9 a.m., you got it?

But you gotta tell me where the shop is

At the shop, it's downtown

Downtown where?

Fire alarm again, hang on

I'm gonna go outside so you can hear me, alright?

Okay, you ready?

You got the shop, 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. tomorrow

Three button polo down shirt

I need an address.

Okay.

I need an address.

Oh, you need the address.

You need the address.

Yeah, I need an address.

All right, it's 122.

122.

I'm sorry, we got a problem.

They're doing a test on the fire alarm, and it keeps going off.

I hear it.

All right, it's 122.

Uh-huh.

Southwest 2.

9 a.m., you got it.

Gotcha, you got it.

We got it.

What is that noise?

This is Tony, yeah.

It's the fire alarm's going off.

Once again, 122, what?

I get that noise.

Sir, you know what?

Forget it.

If you can't write down directions to forget,

It's just not going to work out, Alberto.

Oh, you're playing with me.

Good luck to you, Alberto.

What's the address?

I'm going to call Roberto, all right?

What's the address?

You're not giving me the address.

I thought I meant to call Robert.

I meant to call Rob, but not Alberto.

I made a mistake.

Oh, come on, man.

What's the address?

I'm calling Robert.

No, no, no, no, forget it.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is not going to work out, no.

Oh, you're playing me, man.

Why are you calling me?

I got to go.

That's it.

I'm calling Robert.

No, I'm going to go.

All right.

That's a horrible thing I just did.

That is so bad.

I'm going to hell.

That's still tough.

That's not good.

I feel really embarrassed right now with myself.

That's not good at all.

The funny thing is, I'm calling the caller ID.

He says the number.

He's probably going to call Tony back legitimately pissed off.

He'll be like, motherfucker.

You're fucking with me.

Why are you fucking with me?

And then Tony's going to be like, I don't know what you're talking about.

I didn't call anybody.

It's just going to be this hot.

Oh, man.

This is bad.

I think the only problem is the fact that with the fire alarm,

arm it might have been too much to edit it might be too loud i don't know we'll see we'll work on

that's going to be a funny prank call to edit though i'll have to think on a morality basis

i gotta think it's is it right to release it as a prank call because literally that guy's probably

desperate for work and he heard this desperation in his voice so give me the address give me the

address please please give me the address but guys you should know honestly it never happens

like that no one just calls oh yeah you're hired come on down the shop all right okay i go i'm

going to the job going to the job good well i'm sure he'll be fine obama's in office we'll be

We'll be all right.

Everything will work out, suckas.

All right, I think that's it.

That's it for me.

Guys, I wish I could stay on.

I'd stay on until 1 o'clock, but my dad will be here in about 15 minutes,

and I've got to help him out with taxes.

So I've got to get all my madhouse-related stuff out of here

because my parents don't know I do the show.

They don't.

They might know now after I get arrested for doing what I just did to that guy.

Yeah, you should be coloring the lines, penciling in lines.

Tuck, isn't that what you do all day, penciling in the lines?

I'm supposed to be coloring in the lines and painting the brushes,

and I'm not doing it because of you.

All right, we're out of here.

White people dance.

Thank you, Tuck.

Live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Calls (18, 1 h 3 min of 1 h 28 min)

Transcript

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