2009-04-23 Show

the fuck is this listening house radio podcast good evening everybody how to do that how to do

that thank you for letting me be late because i felt like it fashionably late all the good

artists are always late for their concerts kanye west is up to an hour late youtube is up to 30

minutes late at times the best is always late shut up asshole milkman hi folks this is carlito

I am Carlito.

Fashionably late.

Carlito here.

We're here.

And Milkman is here.

Hi, Milkman.

Milkman.

If you had any doubt, you would be here for it.

Hey, Milky.

Milky.

Hi, Milky.

Also, Tuck is here.

Tuckermike.com is his website.

He draws pictures of boobies.

Yo, boobies.

What up, dog?

See, Baz is also checking in.

Big Baz, Big Baby Baz

Minding the store

And we is here

Thank you for tuning in to Madhouse Radio

Starting 25 minutes late

As I said, it happens

You're lucky you even got a show tonight

Long story short, maybe we'll get to that later on

But I'm here for the time being

For better or for worse

We are on the extended Madhouse Radio Network

MadhouseLive.com

98.6 the mouth

And of course we're also on that

SyndicateRadio.tv

Home of Pig Outlaw

He's on every Monday morning at 12 noon

Be sure to check him out

Yeah, that guy

Seriously though, thanks for tuning in folks

We're going to have a good show tonight, aren't we?

Yes indeed, looking forward to it

We've got toll free lines you can call in to

We've got prank calls to do

It's April 23rd, 10.26pm

Good deal, titties

Nothing wrong with that

But your prank call requests are definitely appreciated, so be sure to send those in to us.

You can reach me on Madhouse Radio if you're using AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger.

Again, if you're using AOL or Yahoo Instant Messenger, Madhouse Radio.

Nick asking me why I don't have camera view on the webcam.

Well, I got it now, sucker.

On top of that, you can also reach me on madhouseatlive.com if you're on MSN Messenger for some stupid reason.

because MSN just sucks.

I'm planning on getting drunk tonight with a drink.

I'm on beer number two. Beer number three and I'll be caught up

with KDK. Homeboy's always on beer number

three. Who am I talking about? I have no idea.

Uh-huh. Lonesome

Losers in the house. What's up, man? Good to

see you. I'm sure he'll be confirming away here pretty

soon. We're going to be using the Google Voice

system, which I have learned

to use to our advantage

in order to make

free prank calls to the United States of

America and

And cheap calls to the U.K. and other English-speaking countries all over the world.

So if you're listening to us in the U.K., in Australia, New Zealand, send us your prank request.

You got someone you want us to prank call?

Bloody hell. Bloody bollocks.

In the meantime, please be sure to visit my website.

That's madhouselive.com. That's where I have a website.

I do stuff there.

I have sad news, unfortunately, about the bachelor party show.

There's no reason to clap.

It's sad news.

Does everybody clap?

Yeah.

No, there's a problem.

Unless Dr. Lego can come through in a miracle.

Unfortunately, I failed to realize I picked the date of...

I picked Memorial Day weekend for my bachelor party.

So everything is either booked up in Atlantic City or is very expensive.

And I talked to Lego on Saturday morning,

and he said he was calling his contact over the Tropicana

to see if he could get us a deal on a decent, maybe a discounted room.

But I really doubt it, because they're probably either booked up

or, you know, really busy that weekend.

So it doesn't look like that's going to happen, unfortunately.

Eh, just as good.

Oh, hell, let's just get a Motel 6 and just call everybody in the damn motel.

Yeah, right.

You want to get into Motel 6 and just call from right there?

Just prank call in person?

That sounds like a good idea.

I could get down with that.

True, true.

That's a turkey son of a lady.

Yeah.

Ellie's saying that we're not streaming from Justin, huh?

Did I forget the Justin feed?

That sucks, because that means we can't record our prank calls in video.

Let me go ahead and do that.

But if I do that, I'll probably screw up everything else.

Watch us.

Watch this.

Syndicate listeners, get ready for static, please.

Let me know if you hear static.

Oh, God.

Well, we've got to record our shit.

Ellie, go to stream or something.

We've got to record our shits, man.

If we don't record our shits, we're just shit.

It just don't work.

now it's playing

fucking video

this is a UFC

video game

there was a UFC

video game out there

Syndicate give me

a status

let me know

do we have static

still or are we

coming in straight

please let me know

1.0

0.5

0.0

negative 2

check please

I'm sure they would

have let me know

by now there was

static so

I guess we're still

audible on Syndicate

want to say hi to

everybody over at

Syndicate

Psychic Chuck

up there

the Asian Sensation

hanging out with

his guitars in the

background

what's up my friend

Disturbed Double D in the house.

The Outlaw.

Dino was hanging around there.

But now he had to go to sleep because he has to wake up in the morning to cut lawns.

Evil Artie.

The Soiler himself.

Soiling Green.

Spinnicket.

John Ricka.

Official Swingers of Syndicate Radio.tv.

Claven, etc., etc.

A lot of people out there.

Of course, over in Madhouse Radio, we've got a lot of people tuning in tonight.

I already talked about Lonesome Loser.

He's sending in some numbers.

We'll get to those in a second.

Maven.

Big Maven is in the house.

Gang Green.

MST3 Clay.

Trish the Dish

yeah

I think

is that Brandon Vegas'

girlfriend

or are they just

you know

hanging out

or

I don't know

something's going

on with them

no he told me

that's his girl

man

I said go be

busy

and get them

back

they're matching

being an adequate

alright good for you

Czar is in the house

also

the medical guy

Ellie's in the house

also

Ellie let me know

are you able to see us

now and Justin

let me know please

you're the one that

watches us there

new news

sending information

apparently guys

there's a clown

convention next week

we're gonna have to

prank all that

that i mean come on clowns there's always a clown convention in milkman's pants you know what i mean

anyway all right so i've got no news articles so let's just jump right into the prank calls

this should be uh this should be really quick to set up san francisco treater model lonesome

loses he can't confirm international numbers because skype blocked your account are you

kidding why'd they do that jerk off skype jerky jerk skypes you know who i want to call i want

to call the uh who is that uh oh man that uh that place that we call from the lonesome loser senses

all the time uh the wacky what is it called shit not the shit the funny place the guy who

the guy who touches our number funny words that they say what is it is it wacky is it wacky you

know i'm talking about why you know i touch your number i touch your number you know i'm talking

about the guy who says that all the time to us i don't know i just know that call funky zone that's

That's who it is. Here we go. Funky Zone, everybody, in Roseville, California.

Bless you. Let's do that in just a moment, folks.

First prank call of the night coming right up.

Thank you.

Is he catching his number or is he catching our number?

We're touching everybody's numbers.

I got your number right here.

Touch, touch, touch.

Oh, good.

Wonderful.

Oh, boy.

Yes, hello. Hi.

Funky Zone.

Funky Zone. How you doing, sir?

Good, good. I had a question about your cigars. You got any mac and noodles there?

Yeah, yes, we do.

You have any Monte Cristos?

Monte Cristos, yes, we do.

do. Right? Do you have any Cohibas?

Yes, we do. Yeah? Do you have

the Cuban Cohibas? Because I have a whole lot of those

if you want to, like, maybe trade. I got Red Dot

Cohibas. The real Cuban

Cohiba, we don't have it. No, but I have

them from, I went to Bermuda and I picked

up some. They're the Red Dot one,

Cuban Cohibas, you know what I'm talking about?

Don't be a pussy, man! Come on!

Alright? This is a real

cigar connoisseur talking to you.

Do you read Cigar Aficionado

magazine? No, no, we can't buy it.

You can't buy the magazine?

You fucking prick.

That's how that works.

What do you want?

That was stupid.

Why would I want to do that?

Why in the world would I want to do that?

Yeah, you check your G-Talk.

Nindu says the clown convention is now.

Oh, right.

Last event finishes at midnight, but expect men to be in rooms.

Yeah, clowns don't, uh, they don't play.

Excuse me, they have to get their sleep.

All right.

We got clowns waiting right here.

All right, so clowns have conventions?

I didn't know.

Well, what do they have to discuss?

What do you think the issues are of the day for the clowns?

Let's see this.

First off, the convention is being held from April 21st to April 26th.

Did you get Yoko in on that?

Yoko should, yeah, man.

Yoko, give us a call.

You can get Yoko to call.

How come Yoko didn't get invited to the clown convention?

Is he out of the loop?

He lost his license?

Yeah, he talks too much shit.

They kicked him out of the clown association.

association national association of clowns and his shoes are too small the neck his shoes are

too small his pants are too tight on him now inky clowns are asking for you to submit a clown tip

or idea to be shared in the convention program book oh really what's there to be in a clown

who isn't being stupid and putting stuff on you a bunch of paint all right i need names of people

who are there who's there a new new report mike bonkers cox okay also we have and has been

been entertaining for 30 years she has performed for three presidents at the white house for the

pageant of peace and has appeared on the today show in america am she's the national dairy

association clown performing for 14 years at the ice cream social what ice cream social as well as

being featured in the i got milk campaign blah blah blah really a clown in the i got milk campaign

well let's call that can't wait for that it's a great day at holiday and like you have made our

Is it a great day? That's beautiful.

Why don't you speak with...

Is that a guest?

Yes, it is.

Hey, I've got clowns in the lobby.

That's what I'm saying.

Are there any black clowns there?

I see it, this particular junk.

They're making balloon animals.

They're fabulous.

Hold on one moment.

Excellent. No blacks.

They're making balloon animals.

Put them to assholes.

Let's hang out and make balloon animals.

I'm going to balloon off.

You're getting a blowjob.

Yeah.

Hello, the Holiday Inn.

Excuse me.

Is this...

Yes, this is she.

Why don't you answer as the Holiday Inn?

Fuck.

May I ask you to call him, please?

Were you horsing around or something?

Yes, I was.

How dare you.

Silly little monkey, you.

I had a question about the clownish institution.

Excuse me?

How come you folks have completely blackballed Yucko the Clown

and not allowed him to come down to the convention?

We're wanting to know.

Excuse me?

Yucko the Clown.

He was uninvited to the convention.

He wanted to come sometime around August.

You folks originally told him he was going to be allowed to come down.

I don't know who you are.

Who are you?

I'm not Yoko, I'm an associate, I'm Jack Valente, I'm an associate of Yoko the Clown.

He was similarly uninvited due to political reasons, because he's Jewish.

I don't know who you are, who are you?

Jack Valente, I represent Yoko the Clown.

I don't know who Yoko the Clown is.

Yoko, Yoko the Clown, he's a very famous clown.

I have no idea who you are.

He's the most controversial clown ever.

Okay, can I have your phone number, please?

No, can you please make me a balloon animal?

Sir, you know, there are people in this world...

So why? Who cares?

I just got told my son is leaving for Afghanistan tomorrow.

That's awesome. This is not Iraq.

He's been to Iraq. He was shot.

And people like you, who do not defend our country and make fun of our country,

you know where you belong?

You belong in an insane...

In office and in Congress, as a matter of fact.

You belong in an insane...

Let me tell you something, woman.

Fuck yourself. Goodbye.

Oh my god, a clown told me to fuck myself.

Returning to main menu, you have no new messages.

To place a call, press 2.

For Google 411, please enter the phone number you would like to dial, followed by the pound key.

For international numbers, please enter 011, plus the country code and number.

What the fuck is going on with this world?

What the hell is this, a clown?

The sound quality on this new system sounds great.

Oh yeah, it's much better than the other ones, right?

A little too loud.

I was just insulted there.

Someone told me to go F myself.

I want to lodge a complaint immediately, please.

Okay.

I can put you back to the room where the general manager is, if you'd like.

Please.

Okay.

Right away.

Don't say too much and identify who we are, man.

Why not?

Who cares?

What are they going to do?

Change your voice.

I'll be Jack Masterson.

Let me get drunk.

I'll change my voice.

I don't know what KDK does.

KDK has two voices. KDK. Drunk KDK. Woman with hole in the throat. Old man.

You have reached the voicemail number. I get that. Please hold a moment.

Oh, I will.

Thank you for calling. Holiday in Lakeview. This is Donna. How may I get your call?

Please?

Hold on just a second.

I learned you're not supposed to say just a second at work, because literally that means a second.

And you get taken points off your call monitor.

Fucking assholes. Fucking work. Fucking Jews at work.

Tell me I don't know how to treat customers on the phone. Why don't you go fuck yourselves?

What do they know?

They were so good at answering phone calls, they'd answer phone calls so I'd listen to them all day.

I don't give a shit about my job.

All those people that work there are a bunch of white people.

Nasty white people smell like wet potatoes.

The man.

This is a man.

How's a clown going to tell me to fuck myself?

What's that about?

Sir?

Yes?

Sir, she's on the other line and she is not accepting any phone calls.

Well, that's disgusting.

I'm lodging a complaint against your hotel for what she just said to me over the phone.

That's disgusting.

Well, I don't know anything about it.

She's on the phone and said that she's not accepting phone calls.

So how is she on the phone and not accepting phone calls?

That doesn't make any sense.

Because I'm on one phone and she's on another.

Who's the manager there?

You're demanding to speak to the manager right away.

She's gone for the right now.

Oh, who's binding the store then?

Me.

You?

All right, you got something to write down?

I want you to write something down.

What do you want me to write down?

What do you mean, what?

What do you want me to write?

Are you writing down?

Are you ready?

Yeah, I've got my paper, yes.

I am.

Be nice to the staff, Ramona.

Mean lady.

I said the F word.

Okay.

I want you to send that to and tell her that she doesn't return Yoko the Clown's call as soon as possible.

We're going to take liable action and have her taken out of the Clown Council.

Okay.

Make that happen.

And I'm going to follow up with you in about five minutes.

Thank you.

That's fine.

All right.

What's your name?

Returning to main menu.

That's not a name.

You have no new messages.

Stupid bitch.

What's this world coming to?

Clowns calling people assholes.

I'll give you some clowns and fuck with them.

Noonan, send in some clown names.

I wonder if Yoko gets shit from other, like, real clowns.

I wonder if they look down on him.

I wonder if he's been persecuted.

I wonder if Yucca was ever a normal clown

and maybe he just got bitter and angry.

Oh, I got a clown name.

The Dead.

Yeah.

I got a clown name.

It's Milkman's Ass.

Just party of clowns and my friend, Goo.

I'd probably ruin that now.

We can't call back there anymore.

Relax on the staff and then we'll suck him in.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm the fucker from first.

Honestly, I don't think I've ever seen a black clown before.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Maybe the rodeo I saw one once.

Homey the Clown

don't mess around

that's right

Homey don't play that

good point

good

cool start for you Baz

awesome

big friends of

big fan of Damon Wayans

myself

thank you Joe

I just want to say

my Twitter

my Twitter feed

twitter.com

slash madhouse

has been blowing up

blowing up for some reason

I don't understand why

exactly

look at these names

Milkman

man. Bill Bebo Young. Ron Spangle Poindexter. Who's names? Ridiculous. Blue the Clown Buff

Foon. Buff Foon? I get it. That's kind of funny. Juju Bean the Clown. What else is up

here? Peachy Keen. Salty the Clown. Oh, that's nasty. Salty. I'm Salty the Clown. Salty.

Look at me. I'm Salty the Clown. Probably smells like piss. Enough of clowns. What else

we got. Hobzoid says, fucking great. I'm drunk. Just kissed a girl and the madhouse

is back, baby. All right. Good for you kissing a girl. Now we know we're not gay. I hope

you enjoyed it, because if not, that means you're gay. All right. Another man made it

to the right side of the fence. All right. We got numbers coming in from Lonesome Loser.

We'll get to the clowns later. Don't worry. Lonesome Loser numbers are always sexy. Happy

Endings Casino. There you go. It's my kind of casino. We got a party going on right

even if you lose all your money you get a you get a handy in the process also square dance center

love boat sushi bar water boy dick's backhoe and dozer work that sounds fun juicy lucy steakhouse

and that rounds it out for lonesome loser here for the first hour

so i can show please advise you what time we're going to be going on tonight please try not to

kick me off the air maybe we can do it cordially like men do you know if you are a man i make an

an announcement here.

Hobzoid said

it wasn't his first girl.

Yeah, right, Hobzoid.

Yeah, right.

Hey, everybody.

Hobzoid said

that wasn't his first girl

he ever kissed.

Yeah.

Wasn't his first person

he ever kissed.

Boner the Clown.

Yeah, I saw that.

That's awesome.

Yeah, Boner the Clown.

How did they not know

yuck with a clown?

Come on.

Boner the Clown.

Shats the Clown.

Maven brought that one up.

That's good.

Yeah, there you go.

Licking Terry Inn Motel in Licking, Missouri also came in here from Lonesome Losers just a second ago.

Let's call that Happy Endings Casino.

We'll be right back in a moment with the next prank call.

Casino, where they do Happy Endings.

How you doing there, sweetie?

Hey, sweetie, how you doing, Jake?

Who's this?

This is Valente.

I had a question about your casino.

Do you guys do have card tables or you just do slots?

Hello?

We've got video poker and video keno.

Keno.

All right, the video poker, what machine is that exactly?

What's the manufacturer?

Several.

Alright, what's the most popular one there?

Because I have command codes for all the machines.

Well, some of the machines that have the command codes.

I'll be willing to trade you command codes.

If you give me your command codes, I'll give you mine.

Does anybody there have access to the codes?

Well, who's the pit boss?

Where exactly are you calling from?

I'm Valente. I'm calling from, you know, from Miami.

That's all you need to know.

So I was asking, you know, about the command codes.

Who's the pit boss? Why don't you just put me through to the pit boss?

I don't need to talk to plebeians.

Thank you.

Casinos in Montana are very small.

wall. We're allowed 20 machines per building. Montana. There's usually one or two attendants

on duty. Sick bastard. That's it. Bastard. You're a sick bastard, Jake. I do what I can.

Yeah, I bet you do. Who else is in charge over there? I can't talk to... Someone like

you, Jake, who just wants to pass the buck and just wants to talk to attitude. Attitude

on the phone. You didn't even get to take a minute and walk in my shoes for a second.

You're already judging me and giving me attitude, sir. That's not necessary. I'm sorry. I don't

know who you are or what you do or the purpose. I want the fucking, I want the fucking command

codes to your casino. That's what I want. Oh, in that case, um, I'll have to put you

in touch with my manager. What's his name? Marco. He'll be here tomorrow. No. Okay. If

you're going to put me through, how's that going to work exactly? I guess you'd have

to go back then. I guess you're going to have to page Marco while I hold on the line. Do

you have his pager number? I can give him a call and ring you back. You have my number

there? I sure don't. Do you have a caller ID? What kind of operation is this? What

exactly. Are you accredited by the Casino Association of Montana? I don't think you

are. Well, you might have to look into that. Why is the goddamn manager never at the freaking

place? And why don't you guys have Wheel of Fortune over there? Wheel of Fortune? Yeah,

you know that Wheel of Fortune game? Gambling in Montana is highly regulated. Why? Why is

that? Is this a conservative state, pretty much? Are you Christian? Me, sir? Yeah. Of

course not. You're not? Alright, do you gamble? No, I don't. Then what do you do? What's

your vice? I have a lot of customers. I can give you a call back if you really want me

I need to talk to my manager.

I called first, all right, number one.

So in that case, I have precedence over the other people who are your customers

because I came first, all right?

When people come in to the casino and they're standing in line,

you don't pick and choose who you're going to help out, right?

You choose the number one person in the line.

Is that correct or am I wrong, sir?

Because I don't know how you people do shit in Montana,

but here in the south where I come from,

we handle first come, first serve only because that's the right way.

Maybe it's because you're an atheist

Or maybe because you're Jewish

Or maybe whatever religion you are

I don't hate

I don't care whatever

You know

You can be at your house

Whatever you want to be

Well when you come to the casino

You're a Christian

You understand?

No sir

What can I get for you?

You're a Christian here

I want you to say right now

You believe in Jesus Christ

Your only son

Not at all

Well I'm shutting you down then

I'm pulling on your licenses

That's all there is to it

It's bullshit

Okay

There's only Christian casinos

In the state sir

You're bullshit

What legal department

Do I call you?

Who's the legal department exactly?

What are they going to do?

Sue me?

Are you threatening to sue me, sir?

Huh?

Tell me.

You were asking about our laws.

I don't know much about our laws.

Man, you're fucking stupid.

You're fucking boring and stupid.

You're fucking boring me and everyone else who would happen to listen to this recording.

Yeah, hang up, you fucking horse's ass.

Fucking asshole.

Fucking pretty hair.

Sounds like Tuck.

He sounds like Tuck.

I'm Tuck.

He sounds like, um...

it does what's up there what do they got

i heard they don't even they don't even fry their chicken over there they boil it out here

um who's that one guy that smoked weed a lot used to call the show a lot and always wanted

to be green what was it douche that's what that guy sounds like that's probably douche right there

douche sounds like douche oh man did we talk to crazy fucker last week or something

Did that happen, or did I dream that or something?

Yeah, yeah, you did.

No, you didn't dream it.

Unfortunately, it was him.

Oh, Milkman, I wanted to tell you.

You know, you taught me about melatonin, you know,

to help you to get to sleep, melatonin, you know,

you know what I'm talking about?

Everybody out there.

Oh, yeah, man, that shit rocks, brother.

Let me tell you what I did as an experiment two nights ago.

I took three.

Dreamy, dreamy, sweet dreamy.

Milkman, I took three melatonin, okay?

I had a full nine hours of sleep.

Oh!

Bro, I fucked two ex-girlfriends at the same time, I don't know how, in my dreams.

It was the most crazy, the best sex I ever had, man, and it didn't really happen.

I don't know what.

I recommend everybody out there, you take three or four melatonin.

It's just like you're really there, too, man.

Bro.

And what's really cool is if you can lucid dream, you can control the outcome of the dream

and, like, put it on hold.

Yes.

And then, like, recommence once you get back.

I felt guilty.

Athena doesn't know but I think maybe I should tell her

maybe we should call the wedding off

like yeah I dreamt that I had a huge orgy

with two ex-girlfriends

isn't that crazy

having an orgy with two ex-girlfriends

It wasn't an orgy.

It was a threesome.

That'd be something right there.

They probably felt it in their dreams.

I think I had some Carlito last night.

All right, guys.

guys. Let's play this voicemail. Milkman,

did you get a chance to hear that last

voicemail we got here from the Madhouse

voicemail? Oh, my God, dude. That

is one crazy-ass

one. I'll fill you up with an update

after this call. All right. Let's listen

to this voicemail that we received here. I got this

at 9.30 p.m. last night,

everybody. Listen, this is someone who we

prank-called a few weeks ago. They called

back, left us a voicemail last night.

Still got that stupid message in your machine.

Unbelievable. Well, you're

pretty unbelievable yourself.

yourself. Pee brain, stupid

panty chewer. Oh yeah, let's

not forget jacking off in the bathroom.

Men's public bathroom. Yeah, when

he's looking through the cracks

of the guy pissing in the

urinal. You really enjoyed

that, didn't you? Bet you'd like

that Hattie's ass. What a stupid

son of a bitch you are. Well, see

you later, buddy. You never know when you're gonna

find me. We run into each other all

the time. I'm sure you know that.

Just ask Mandy. Mandy

will tell you who I am. She knows.

So does Carol. Ask her, too.

She knows how stupid you are.

Well, I'll talk to you later, buddy.

Make sure you keep up the faces.

Mandy, Carol, get your number.

Carol and Mandy both calling in.

Jonathan, what's up, man? How you doing, bro?

I'm doing all right. How about yourself?

Trying to maintain, man.

Trying to maintain. Keeping it easy.

Keeping the flow.

You ever have a lucid dream, Jonathan?

You know what those are?

Yeah.

That's like when you can control your outcome of your dreams.

Like, you know you're dreaming.

That's got to be awesome.

like being on the

holodeck on the

USS Enterprise.

Like really being

there, dude.

Yeah, it's awesome.

Nunu says, why am I

playing and recording

in Milkman?

That's a good point,

Nunu.

Jonathan, how's your

week been, brother?

Oh, pretty good.

Yeah?

Dude, telling you.

Man, I kind of feel

guilty about this

dream I had, but how

can you feel guilty

about a dream that

didn't really happen?

But, I mean, if you

go through with an

act, even if it's in

your dream, is that

cheating?

That can't be cheating.

It's not the same.

I guess it kind of...

You were dreaming.

You weren't all there.

What can you do?

I'll ask you what you mean.

Yeah, man, I got some meatloaf waiting for me in the kitchen.

I didn't get a chance to have dinner, man.

Meatloaf, I haven't had it in a while.

Don't want your loaf meat.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, you like meat.

What's your favorite food?

What's your comfort food, man?

You like, you know, you know what I'm saying?

If you had a last meal, let's say you killed somebody finally,

and we all know you're going to do it one day, and you get the needle.

And they say to you, all right, Jonathan, you get one last meal.

What would it be?

Pizza.

Pizza?

Pepperoni?

Cheese?

What would it be exactly?

Ham and sausage.

Sausage.

Ham and sausage, huh?

I don't know about that ham.

No, sir.

Do you like a lot of extra cheese on it?

You ever get the extra cheese?

Yes, I do.

Boy, I love the extra cheese.

You know what I do from Pizza Hut now?

When I do the online ordering and I get no sauce, extra cheese, pepperoni, pan pizza, good to go, man.

That's like the best right there.

You know, for the price, you get it nice and quick.

I mean, it's not the best pizza out there, but for the price that you're paying for it, it's not bad at all.

Have you tried ordering any online pizza, though?

The ordering of the online pizza is the hot shit right now, man.

It's so easy to do.

Especially with Pizza Hut.

You build your own pizza right there.

It's, like, all laid out.

Like, you just, you know, pick your toppings and this side and that side, what you want.

You can have half this, half that.

No ambiguity, no mistakes, Jonathan.

Yeah, have you ever tried the stuffed crust pizza?

Yeah, you know, I really, from Pizza Hut, you mean?

Uh-huh.

I'm a big fan of the pan pizza.

There's something about that crust.

It's got that buttery, you know, that oily crunch.

Not crunch, but it's got that, you know, something about that pan pizza crust is really good.

I mean, it's kind of a novelty to have the stuffed crust.

It's kind of fun.

You get some extra cheese there, but the crust, it doesn't taste as good.

You know, the brownies for the crust, it's not like the pan pizza.

It's got that, you know what I mean?

When you squeeze that pan pizza crust, it kind of oils out.

You know, you ooze that oil.

I know it's not good for you, but God damn it, oil tastes good, man.

And grease and oil, God help me, but it's the best taste of stuff that you can get out there.

Stuff, you know, stuff that's bad for you, I don't know why,

but the stuff that's bad for you tastes goddamn good.

Oh, yeah.

But, yeah, I remember when Stuffed Crust Pizza first came out,

and people used to eat it backwards, remember?

They used to say, oh, yeah, you got to eat your pizza backwards, remember?

They used to have a commercial with David Robinson and the other guy, Dennis Rodman, and all that, yeah.

So, yeah, definitely, Stuffed Crust Pizza is okay, but I'm a fan of the normal pan pizza.

pizza just give me that nice and simple not too much and i don't like the sauce i don't i don't

want too many too much sauce on it i actually order no sauce on my pizzas anymore it has the

sugar i'm on diabetic it's bad enough as it is i shouldn't be having the pizza but i'm not a big

fan of the pizza they just put so much goddamn pizza sauce on that stuff sometimes man like i

hate it when you buy a pizza and it's just full of sauce and you eat it it's more sauce than cheese

and bread it's all over it's just god disgusting oh man man i'm sorry i've been talking way more

more than you have.

So tell me what's up with you.

When you're coming down to Orlando again,

you said, I'm going to miss you,

but what are you planning this time around?

You come out here, Doug,

every, like, three or four times a year.

Are you going to hit the parks this time around,

or are you just coming for a visit?

Um, probably going to try Gatorland this time.

Oh, Gatorland.

They redid that.

Actually, you know what?

I'll tell you what.

I drove by Gatorland two weeks ago.

They had a fire there.

They lost a few gators,

and the whole, like, visitor center burnt down,

but I heard they redid it,

and it looks pretty nice.

So I drove by it

It's still there thankfully

But I'm not a big fan of the Gatorland

I mean I've been there once or twice

It's kind of like

You see

It's like going to the zoo

It's okay

Have you ever

Have you ever been to

Animal Kingdom at Disney

Yes I have

Okay

You like Epcot

So you've been to Epcot right

Uh huh

Okay

Now

Did you

Have you been to

The Simpsons ride yet

At Universal

Uh not yet

See that's the thing

By the time you come down in June

Um

You've got the Simpsons ride

Is new

That opened up about a year ago

That's a brand new ride

They got rid of Back to the Future

Which really pissed me off

But at least they replaced it with The Simpsons

That's okay

If they're going to take away Back to the Future

The ride

At least they replaced it with The Simpsons

Another step up

But at the same time

I also heard that they're putting in a Harry Potter land

Or part of Universal as well

Islands of Adventure

Yeah, so I wonder

I think they removed

I think they got rid of one of the lands

And they're putting in Harry Potter

but they also have a new roller coaster

that's going in there too

in Isles of Adventure

it actually goes out into City Walk

and goes into Universal Studios

and then comes back into Isles of Adventure

it goes to three parks at the same time

it's really cool

and you can actually

you pick your own music for the ride

like before the ride starts

you pick the song you want to play

while you're in the ride

and at the end you get a video of it

if you want

you can upload it to YouTube

if you want

stuff like that

it's pretty cool

they're actually doing pretty good

I think I heard they're testing it out now

and slowly but surely by the summer

or you should be able to, you know, go on it permanently.

So I would recommend, Jonathan, forget Gatlin.

You've got to go to Universal Studios.

I'll tell you what, if I was down here still, if I wasn't on my honeymoon,

I would definitely go with you.

We'd hang out.

We'd go to Universal Studios.

We'd ride the rides, and we'd eat those big turkey legs.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, man, that's the best meal in any of those parks.

I don't eat anything but turkey legs.

I buy about two or three turkey legs the whole time.

I get there in the morning.

First thing I do, I don't go to any rides.

I go to the turkey legs stand.

I buy myself those big turkey legs.

and for lunch, another turkey leg, and for dinner, another turkey leg, man.

You're good to go.

Five bucks each, a pop, and you're good to go, man.

You don't have to worry about buying this and that and sodas and this and that.

Turkey legs is where it's at, man.

Yeah.

Jonathan, you're my brother, man.

I love you like a brother from another mother.

Yeah, well, we've been knowing each other for almost a few years now.

No, we still haven't seen each other, Jonathan.

It hurts me.

It pains me every night.

I go to sleep and I say, damn it, I've got to see Jonathan one day.

Me and Jonathan, we've got to hang out.

I'm going to buy you a pina colada.

That's your favorite drink.

Awesome.

Jonathan, what else you got for me tonight?

That's about it.

On the party bus that you mentioned last week, we just got it out of the shop not too long ago.

Oh, heck yeah.

Really?

Good.

Good deal.

Jonathan, make sure you look into the party bus business.

A lot of people just have to get in a bus and party.

People just want to drive around and drink and party.

I'm telling you, me and you will go together.

We'll buy a bus.

We'll pimp it out.

We'll put some nice leather, some neon lights inside of it, put a nice base system in there, and put a keg.

Dude, people have fun.

Party buses are the bomb.

Take a party bus trip all the way to New York, man.

Good to go.

All right, Jonathan, say hi to your fans and listeners, my friend.

Well, I want to say hello to everybody out in the chat room, and I hope you all have a great day and a great weekend.

And, Milkman, if you can hear me, I hope you all have a great weekend.

All right.

Milkman's still waiting on his cookies.

Don't forget those.

take care bro

love talking to you

talk to you next week

alright Jonathan

that's my man Jonathan

nobody fuck with Jonathan

that's my homeboy

let me tell you something guys

I've shown you all cookies

I live here in Orlando

I know the tricks of the trade

people like me

we know when you go to the parks

we know the tricks of the trade

first of all the best meal deal

and Disney at Universal Studios

SeaWorld, wherever you go, you get yourself

a goddamn turkey leg, alright?

You pop, you know, they're like maybe $4.50

a pop, and I'll tell you what, you eat one of those turkey legs,

they're like this big. They're like huge.

So much meat. I'm convinced it can't

be real turkeys. I think they're like emu

legs or fucking

some other animal that they pass off

as turkeys. But, dude, that is

the best meal. You eat one of those,

because for the same price for a hot dog,

you pay an extra 50 cents, you get a huge

turkey leg why not save your money everything's so expensive disney they just raised the prices

of tickets at disney and every time disney raises their prices here in orlando universal and uh

seaworld do the same thing they match the price which is bullshit because how's seaworld going

to charge you the same admission to get into their park that they do to get into disney what

the fuck's that about it's like half the size see a damn fish a bunch of damn fish shitting in the

the water every time i go to the last time i went to sea world every animal will shit like i went

to the manatee exhibit taking a shit went to the the dolphins taking a shit i went to see shamu

shamu took a big shit in the water everyone started laughing oh it's funny yeah i want to

hell i want to go see fish take shit mike you want to know making a good point yes magic mountain in

orlando there is a basketball court in the hidden part of it a major feat if he could have shit in

a box if you could get Shamu to shit in a box.

Shamu to shit in a box.

Yeah.

Paganeska saying the best place in Orlando is OBT.

That's good. You got a point.

It still wasn't like a big 50-pound bird.

$20

handies. That's a little expensive

for a handjob.

Orange Blossom Trail. Orange Blossom Trail

has been, it's actually fixed up quite a bit.

They've actually done really good work on, North OBT

isn't that bad. I used to live on, I used to work

off of North OBT. No problem.

Paganeska is living in the UCF area.

what's up what's up i i live in the ucf area now ucf area represent east orlando buck buck

the real orange boston trail that's right yes psychic chuck you're right thank you for pointing

that out colonial and alifaya that's awesome dirty lamb let's says i look like a mexican

shooley thank you asshole whatever that means a mexican shooley unless they're shooley cool

people oh man milkman you were talking last week man i totally have to shave so bad i'm gonna shave

shave all this shit off man but i'm thinking i'm gonna keep all this beard i'm gonna

i haven't shaved in two weeks i think at this point i said lazy i don't want to spend the

money on any new razors and i don't want to buy it paganess the ex-worker diamond they shut down

the diamond club i used to i went to the diamond club quite a few times we can get dino on there

with some nair matter of fact on the next show matter of fact i remember paganess got the diamond

diamond club i used to um i go there and for 20 bucks you get two lap dances and a t-shirt i have

about four t-shirts at my parents house from the diamond club they're very itchy crappy shirts but

a good deal 20 20 bucks two lap dances and a t-shirt you can't beat that they shut that place

down they were doing tricks you know what i mean right no tucks like no no i don't all right

louisiana fried chicken that's the number we did a few months ago that was kind of fun i was listening

to that prank call me and hollywood called that one also wanted to mention on the madhouse forums

i did introduce a new system i don't know if you guys talk or milk one if you guys noticed

but i instituted a top prank section we we anyway so i decided i heard a lot of complaints saying

it's good that you have this madhouse vault where you've got all the prank calls you do in your show

but the problem is you mix the shitty prank calls with the good ones and what the fuck so i decided

We've had about 4 or 5 of them tonight

But you start off

You've got one section there just for top pranks

So now I've got them separate

So if you want to hear the good pranks

You go to the top prank section

And if you want to hear more prank calls

We warn you, hey, they're not all good

You go to the Madhouse Vault

I twittered it and it actually got a lot of responses

I want to mention here

Ever since the Stern Show

They got on

on um it's really weird the stern show got on um twitter right stern show is the twitter account

i i started following them they followed me back and now every every 15 minutes i get about five

or six people follow me like out of nowhere it's tons and tons of followers just propagating

so the madhouse twitter account is actually blowing up i'm quite excited about it it's about

goddamn time those are noticing us around here some asshole new york's calling in you're on the

the air. Go ahead. Hey, Carlito. Zolar. Zolar Vision. What's up, man? I got jealous that

Jonathan got to say hey to all his friends and fans. Fans and listeners. Yeah. Anyways,

dude, man, I wanted to concur with the fucking turkey leg, dude. Oh, you were here, right?

Did you get the turkey leg? I told you. Did I tell you about that? Or that's the best

fucking meal deal in the fucking world. Dude, man, I've seen a kid with it and it looked

looked like he had, like, this dinosaur fucking leg or something in his hand, and I was like,

I want one of those.

Well, I'll tell you what, the first time I saw it, I was at Disney, I was at Magic Kingdom,

and I'm walking around, and I see this kid with one, and I said, hey, kid, where'd you

get that?

I was like, what the hell?

Exactly, exactly what I did, exactly.

Yeah, and he's like, oh, yeah, go down to, you know, Pioneerland, they got him there,

and I bought one.

Oh, my God, it's so good.

It's not easy to eat, it gets in your teeth.

Oh, yeah, yeah, it's totally barbaric.

and you feel like a pirate and it's totally, you know, like,

or you feel like you're at the, you know,

where do they do the joust with the horses and stuff?

That's what you feel like.

Yeah, yeah, I go to a corner, I go to the bathroom,

I go to the stall and just eat it.

I just go for it, man, just rip right into it.

I don't care, I don't care.

People can watch me all they want.

I eat the fuck out of a turkey leg and I have another.

Oh, I carried it around.

I stood on line for an hour eating it

and I wrapped it up and did the ride and brought it back out

and ate it some more.

I ate it.

It took me over, like, two hours to eat that thing completely.

I'm telling you, it was like five, four, five bucks, right?

And compared to anything else that you buy to eat there at the parks,

it fills you up and you save money.

You know, you're good to go.

And it's delicious.

Yes.

It's fucking delicious, though.

I mean, what do they do, smoke that thing?

Yeah, they smoke it.

Like, I don't know how.

They don't cook them there.

They just come out smoked.

I think they make them in some back room somewhere.

They just keep pumping out these turkey legs all the time.

It's fucking nuts.

Yeah, they're like turkey legs on steroids.

Yeah.

Where do they get these turkeys from?

them, you know, like the huge legs, like arms, I mean, like, baby legs. Fucking Switzerland

turkeys. Oh, yeah. Bulgarian, but anyway, fucking, also, when you go to the park, dude,

I don't know if it's just me, because I'm slick, or whatever it is, but, I mean, if

you casually walk into any of those stores, and put something on, and walk out, they never

bust you. Oh, dude, my friend got busted. Really? Oh, yeah, did you go to Universal

and do that, or Disney? Disney, they don't care, they'll let you get out, let you get

No, no. I was talking like all those stores up on Main Street and stuff, USA, by the, you know, like the castle and all that.

Yeah.

Disney World, right?

Dude, yeah, but Universal Studios, man, you try touching something, they're all, they're on you like white on rice, man.

They're all, they got, they come down like, all of a sudden it's like black dudes in black suits with, you know, headphones in their ears coming down and investigating.

A friend of mine got arrested at Universal Studios. He was 17. He tried to sell like a little bar or something like that, something stupid and innocuous.

Bro, you think they put him in some kind of brig, and he called his parents,

he had to drive his parents, came like an hour away to pick him up and all this stuff.

Oh, my God, it was so crazy and embarrassing.

Wow.

We left him there.

I didn't have that experience at all, man.

I was like, I put on these big, stupid hats that make you look like Goofy and all that shit, man.

I walked right out with it, and then I put it in my friend's fucking baby carriage and shit,

and I go into another store, and I put on like a whole pirate's outfit, walked right out with it.

Bro, that's crazy.

Hey, did you tell me, do you remember how much the admission was?

Are they up to $70 now?

They've got to be up to like $75 now to get into those parks, right?

I thought it was $80.

Oh, my God.

I can't remember when it was still $42 when I was in high school.

That's insane.

That's crazy.

Do you think it was worth it?

Did you enjoy yourself at Magic Kingdom and all that?

Well, you know what?

Like, I can't say I liked it because in that area where I was,

it was more for the kids and shit.

So, you know, but I could see that they have loads of fun.

and, you know, if you're going to go there once in your childhood, then it's worth it.

But if you're going to make it a trip every year, I would say, holy shit, they have a

rip-off over there.

Yeah, I'm not going to go back to, I will never step foot on Disney.

Dude, this is crazy.

I've been there so many times, I have no reason to go there.

It's the same shit over and over again.

When they open up, like, 10 or 12 more rides, maybe I'll think about going back to Disney

spending 85 bucks, you know, to go out there.

You know, I, I dig Epcot and all that stuff, and, um, they do have the greatest, like, 3D effect movies over there and shit, you know?

Right, right, yeah, Epcot is fun, man, they got quite a few, that, that, that Space Ride, you go on the Space Ride, Mission Space, that's fucking awesome, man.

Yeah, they got, they, they do, they have the best stuff, but that's a big money, and you can only do it, like, you know, once every fucking couple of years or something like that, but, it is expensive, dude, so, what else is going on?

Did you make any pranks tonight?

Because I just got to tune in.

Oh, by the way, let me remind everybody out there.

If something pops up on your computer and says fucking antivirus 2009 fucking update

or some bullshit like that, do not fucking click on it.

Automatically hit fucking control-Alt-Leak, go into your processes, and kill it from there.

Because if you touch it, it takes over your computer like mine did yesterday.

Zoar, don't ever click on that stuff, man.

That's funny.

Dude, I was just clicking X, like get rid of it and shit, you know what I mean?

and fucking the whole thing took over my computer.

I had to bring it to fucking some PC dude, you know?

Dude, that's crazy, man.

That sucks.

So what happened?

You had to pay out the ass to get it fixed?

Is that what happened?

Oh, man.

At first I called up Circuit City because they got fucking, you know, the Geek Squad,

and they were like, bring it in.

It'll cost you $175.

Oh, my God.

Give me a six-pack of beer.

I'll fix it for you next time, Zola.

Send it over to me.

Yeah, and then I called up PC dudes.

I guess maybe they're just a New York thing, but anyway.

And they were like, oh, bring it in, we'll charge you $150.

And then I called this other guy, he said he'd come by the house for $100,

but then he never called me back.

So then I found one other place that I went to,

and I started giving the guy the whole piss and moan story

and told him how, like, I do this webcast and I do it for free

and I'm putting everything out there for free and blah, blah, blah, and I'm broke.

He fucking fixed it for me for fucking $50.

Awesome, bro.

There you go, you saved at least 50% if not more, my friend.

That's awesome.

Yeah, totally.

Totally. Hey, you know, fucking new news is saying call the clowns with Carlitos.

Yeah, you want to prank call a clown? I got cursed out by a clown.

A clown told me to go fuck myself, Zola. What the fuck is this world coming to, man?

How's a clown going to tell me to go fuck? Unbelievable, these sick people.

Probably, Jesus Christ. I want to mention, Zola, I don't know if you had heard,

but the whole Atlantic City thing, it doesn't look like it's going to go through.

I was going to do that bachelor party show May 23rd. I figured out May 23rd is the day before Memorial Day.

Everything is booked up or very expensive, so it's not going to happen, it looks like.

I'm kind of bummed out about it, but it'll probably still maybe have a close group of friends.

Andy, remember Andy from the show back in the day?

He's my best man, and Lonesome Loser's going to try to come out.

He's in Philly, I think.

He's in the Pennsylvania area.

He's close to where the wedding's going to be at.

You're definitely invited if we do something, but it's not going to be a huge thing

because I can't get the space.

Everything in Jersey is all, like, you know.

Those goddamn spaces.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

No spaces, man.

No spaces.

Lego's trying, though.

He said he's got some guy in the Tropicana

that might be able to get me a room,

but we'll see about it, man.

We'll see.

All right, well, we'll keep our fingers crossed.

Yeah, you want to do a prank real quick

while I got you here, Solar Vision?

Sure thing, Carlito.

All right, cool.

Yeah, I see you're beating me in the...

Yeah, you were accusing me on your show.

I was cracking up.

You're like, yeah, Carlito's up to shenanigans.

I was like, bro, I Twittered that...

I Twittered the poll, the cynical poll,

and it blew up

for some reason.

I looked at it

and I said,

oh my God,

it's up to like

25 fucking votes

or something

or something crazy

of 25%,

which I wasn't expecting.

Yeah, it was cool.

Well, good luck.

When's that over anyway?

When's that whole vote thing

going to be over?

Next week or something?

Yeah, yeah,

it ended already.

I won.

Oh, you won.

Well, good for you.

Zobar Vision,

the king of prank calls.

Sure enough.

King of syndicate.

I'm second place.

I'm the prince of pranks.

I wanted to be the prince, though.

You wanted to be the prince,

I bet you do.

You're a big fan of pranks.

All right, I'm going to throw some shit at you.

You tell me what sticks, okay?

Okey-dokey.

I'm going to move back in time.

Louisiana fried chicken.

Fry, F-R-Y chicken.

I got the Big Kahuna pizza.

We got a motel called Licking Terry.

We got a steakhouse, Batco and Dozer Work.

Old guy answered at 10.41 p.m.

That sounds kind of interesting.

That might work out.

Yeah, I love the old guys.

All right, cool.

We're going to call.

So we'll do that then.

Dick's, Batco, and Dozer Work.

They're in Sacramento, California.

It is now 8.23 p.m. over there.

It's 1123 Eastern here on the left coast where we live.

All right, are you ready?

Yep, but let it be known that Nunu's saying we can call Bibbo the young clown.

Oh, that's right.

Wait a minute, the clown.

That's right, you wouldn't call it a clown.

I'm sure you wouldn't call it a clown.

You like clowns.

Let's do this first.

This old guy sounds good.

All right, cool.

Old guy, then clown.

All right, Zola, don't go anywhere.

Everybody else, don't go anywhere.

We're going to be right back with the prank call thing.

Thank you.

This is Zolar.

Yes, I am.

Thank you.

This is me.

It's called Dix.

Hello.

Yeah, hi.

How are you doing?

and I'm looking to speak to the guy with the dozer.

Yeah, just a minute.

Now, get him here.

Hold on.

Dick, Dick, the guy that has the dozer.

Dick, how you doing there?

Is this Dick with the dozer?

Yeah, it sure is.

Great to talk to you.

My friend told me you got a lot of equipment.

Listen, I'm having a little bit of a problem

in my house there, you know.

I might have to dig out some bit of a trench around it,

you know.

Is there any possibility she can come out to the property?

Well, I'm on one job now.

Probably will last me a couple weeks.

I don't know, you know.

Maybe the police will be around here before that.

And I would like to dig her up before, you know, the police come around sniffing with the dog.

You see, my son, he said he had a little accident.

And my wife has been missing for weeks.

And I'm starting to smell something.

So I've got to check around a bit.

What, you got buried?

I'm not sure, you know.

My son has been away.

He's been a juvenile delinquent a few times.

So I don't know if he ran my wife off, or maybe she might be, you know, a few feet under if you get my drift.

No, you call the police on that one.

Now, I'm not sure of anything, you know.

I already put out a missing report.

I put out the missing person's report, I tell you, sir.

No, if you're checking something like that, you call the police.

Oh, sir, I already done that, and they said that I could hire Dick the Dozer guy.

They gave me your number now.

You're Dick the Dozer guy.

They're the ones who recommended you, sir.

You mean the policeman?

Yes, that's right.

I have a private attorney right here on the line with me,

and I'm going to let him talk to you if you don't mind.

Mr. Carlito, my private attorney, if you could get on and speak to your dick.

Hold on, please.

Hello.

Hi.

Yes, buenas tardes.

How are you, my friend?

Well, if they have any suspicion like that...

No, there's no suspicion.

You know, I have a man come out.

He inspected the land.

He inspected the grass.

He made a core sample of the soil.

There's nothing in there.

We had a dog come in.

The dog didn't respond to the scent

It's no problem

We just want to get rid of this as soon as possible

We want to put in a Subway

A Subway sandwich

You ever have Subway sandwich?

You know what that is?

I think I do

You like a Subway sandwich

I tell you what

You come down

You get rid of this stuff

It's here

We make a Subway store

You come down

Anytime you want a Subway sandwich

You get Subway sandwich

No problem

For what the man is talking about, the job, be there two weeks.

I pay you double.

We pay you double, man.

We have monies.

We have money.

All the money you want.

No, that doesn't matter.

I told the man I'll be there, and I will be there.

You like Subway?

You like Subway sandwich?

Hey, old man, I ask you a question.

I ask you a question, old man.

You like Subway sandwich or no?

Yes or no?

You tell me.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, it's good, right?

Yeah, you like Subway.

What do you like, roast beef?

What do you like?

You tell me, I'll make it for you.

Mr. Zola will make it for you however you want.

He makes the best Subway sandwich.

He's a sandwich artist.

Ain't that right, Mr. Zola?

You make a sandwich, right?

That's correct, Dick.

How do you want your Subway?

You like a turkey?

You like a club?

I'll tell you what.

I cannot, I can't make it.

I'm going to give you the...

No, we make a sandwich for you.

That's okay.

No, that's all right.

Because I'm

going to give you the phone number of another backhoe man

because I can't make it.

No, but that man, we don't want to talk...

Listen to me, Dick.

I'm really sorry to have bothered you,

but if the police recommended you to come over to the property

to make sure her body isn't buried,

they know you're the man for the job.

So if you come over and teach me how to use the machine, maybe you could hold my penis a little bit.

Well...

You hold his penis so it don't go in the way of my backhoe.

You know, you hold it back.

Tuck it, tuck it, tuck it back, tuck it back.

I can't get there right now because my backhoe is out on a job.

That's what she said.

And I have to stay there.

I understand that.

Dick, Dick, if you just come and pull my foreskin back a little bit and give me a little training, it'd be nice.

Well, tomorrow I'm busy.

How about you send your lady over here

We give a good poking for you

No I'm going to have to turn you down now

Tomorrow I'm busy

And Monday I've got jury duty

But your wife

We turn your wife down

Dick have you ever fucked a sheep

Have you ever had coitus with a sheep sir

No

Any farm animals whatsoever

Oh I've had farm animals

And you've put your penis inside a farm animal sir

Oh I have

have, but I'll tell you what I'm going to do here, because I cannot get to it right

now.

I understand, Dick, but I'm just wondering, at this point in your life, being as old and

crusty as you are, have you ever fornicated with a farm animal, sir?

No.

Oh, you just said you did.

No.

Now, we're getting into...

We can provide farm animals for you with the Viagra if you come over to our house.

No.

Let me tell you something.

Not at all.

No.

I got this...

I got this cow named Bessie.

See, she's super ultra-lubricated.

No difference.

Sir.

Ah.

A hole is a hole.

Sir, this is going to...

You are going to end the conversation right now.

Oh, no.

Because I'm not going to do that.

I'll give you the...

But, Dick, having a sheep wouldn't be bad at all.

No, we're...

Tell you what.

Cannot do it.

You cannot make it with a sheep?

I'm on a job right now.

Don't be nervous, Papi.

It's okay, man.

We help you out.

It's okay.

I'm not mad.

We have a porno.

No, no, you watch the porno first.

It's no problem.

But, uh, anyway, uh, if you have, if you have that, I told you to call a coroner's office.

He said he suspects there might be a human under there.

If he suspects that, I will not touch it.

Understood, 100%.

You haven't touched your wife in how long, Dick?

Uh-huh.

How long has it been since you touched your wife?

Never been married.

Oh, because, uh, you know, I figured your wife is probably as old as a corpse right now anyway.

Well, if you don't want the, uh...

Well, if you've never had a farm animal and you've never been married,

what exactly do you do to achieve, you know, ejaculation, sir?

Do you just masturbate?

I'm not going to get into that.

No, I'm wondering.

A man of your age.

That means you do it.

This is enough of this.

You masturbate.

God's going to kill you and continue to hell.

Good night.

Masturbator.

Good night.

Yeah, masturbator.

Get out the phone.

You know, Zola, when they know what I meant to them, it means they do it.

That's what I heard in church.

You know, it's always like a classic fucking call when you and I do a fucking prank together.

Oh, fuck, man, dude.

Because I take your lead.

I just go into the rush.

Returning to main menu.

You have no new messages.

Hit place a call.

Press 2.

Dude, so I figured out how to do free spoof phone calls to the United States and cheap ones to the Britain.

When I can get you an invite to Google Voice, I'll do it.

It's ultra quiet.

It's ultra sweet, man.

You'll love it.

Check it out, man.

All right, so we hit the nail on the head on the first call.

I'm going to let you get back to your show.

All right, cool, man.

It's good talking to you.

You're on tomorrow at 9 p.m., right?

Yes, indeed.

Zola Party Nation, man.

We'll catch you then.

Take it easy, my friend.

All right, brother.

See you.

And Zola.

Oh, fuck.

I forgot about the stupid clowns.

Shit.

Oh, well.

Ha-ha, noo-noo.

Ha-ha.

I'll call him later.

Don't worry.

We'll call him.

Don't worry, man.

Poppy, we got plenty of time.

Stop fucking clapping, you assholes.

Thank you.

We're in Vegas.

This is Google Voice News.

new yeah it's pretty new it used to be um what was it called grandcentral.com google bought them

like they buy everything else there you go now you know what i'm talking about all right i'm on

beer number five you can drink a whole 12 pack in one night that'd be bad i gotta work tomorrow

i better not i think i might call and say hey boss uh yeah i'm kind of hung over can't come in

tonight today i better take it easy all right see what are the numbers you got here from the

lonesome loser brother brother loser brother loser sending in numbers yo brother loser square

dance center west diamond street in boise idaho home of the headquarters of albertson's corporation

we've been talking about that for a while we still haven't called it licking terry in motel

and the big kahuna pizza are all here nina says when we do call the clowns back don't be rude

to the front desk good point i probably really screwed it up nina i'll try but i don't think

they're going to want to talk to me they don't want to hear from you old man carlito anymore

if you want to send your prank request keep in mind we do have a request to prank line a request

to prank us uh form if you go to madhouse live.com once again it's our website madhouse live.com

over there madhouse live.com you click on request to prank it's a free thing you fill out the

information you put in the phone number to call the person you want us to call what the deal is

what the story is i prank call it is free it's beautiful it's a beautiful thing make that right

milkman bad boys bad boys of ohio bad boys of ohio asking how do we free spoof car to usa you

have to have a google voice account my friend here's the deal google voice but uh this company

called grand central about a year ago they didn't do shit with it for like over a year and a half

now all of a sudden they got a hard-on for google voice google voice got a hard-on for

grand central anyway so any day now they're going to be releasing invites okay so what happens is

is you get a phone number, you pick the area code you want it in,

they give you a phone number, you get a free voicemail.

You can have this number forward to your cell phone, your home phone,

your work phone, wherever you want it to go, it'll go.

And at the same time, you make calls on the Google Voice site.

You can copy-paste whatever phone number you want to prank call.

Let's say you put it in, you click call, it calls your phone,

your cell phone, your home phone, wherever you want it to call.

and when it calls out, it goes out as your Google Voice phone number.

It doesn't come out as your phone number, your home number, whatever.

It comes out as a number that you got from Google Voice.

So it gives you the ability to spoof your caller ID as a dummy number

and at the same time, it's free.

You get free calls to the United States of America.

It's free calling to the USA.

And they got really cheap rates internationally, so it's pretty interesting.

Problem is, see, I jumped on the bandwagon years ago.

I was a Grand Central user years, like about two or three years ago is when I first started with them.

I've been using them forever.

But now they finally got around to starting giving invites again after two or three,

after a year and a half of not giving them out.

So I got a lot of...

Dude, I haven't gotten an invite.

I locked in though.

Yeah, you're in.

When I get the ability to send them out, I got to send Lonesome Loser one

because I figured Lonesome Loser, he can confirm numbers for free.

He can confirm international calls really cheaply

or he can confirm, like, you know, local numbers.

You know, United States number is pretty easy.

Milkman, you want one.

I'm sure you do.

Yeah, it's great for prank calls.

Even if you don't have, you know, prank call, you want to keep in mind it gives you the ability.

They give you a phone number that you can keep for life.

You know, you get a number.

It'll never change.

It'll never get disconnected.

You could disconnect your cell phone.

You don't have to worry about porting your phone number from AT&T to Verizon or this and that.

It stays with you no matter what.

You get this phone number for life.

and you can have it forward to any other number that you want.

It's really cool.

To get into it, it's a lot.

Just look up Google Voice and you'll see what it is.

It's a beautiful thing.

Unfortunately, they're not giving out phone numbers yet to new people.

They're about to.

They keep saying, any day now.

We're waiting.

Hello.

This thing, Google's getting really slow with their stuff.

I have the Google phone.

I got the iPhone, or the G phone, the Google phone, right?

They've been talking for four months now.

They're going to release a new update for this stupid fucker

so that it gets a lot more functionality.

It doesn't use up as much battery and this and that.

Still waiting for the update.

Nothing yet.

Hopefully, one day it comes out.

I want to give a quick thanks real quick now that I'm reminded.

Someone made a donation here to the Madhouse Radio Studio

in order for us to be on the air.

An anonymous donation?

It was an anonymous donation.

I'm not able to tell you guys who it was because it's anonymous.

But I do want to thank that for whoever you are out there.

Hopefully, you're listening.

I'm presuming you're listening.

Thank you so much for making the gracious donation you did.

They actually paid for us to be able to broadcast for the next four months.

And I'm going to be honest with you, Milkman, I emailed you and the rest of the staff.

I emailed you and Tuck and the rest of you staffers that it looked like, unfortunately,

we were going to have to actually shut down the Madhouse show for like four or five months.

Because basically, I can't afford it.

It costs a lot.

I mean, I know it sounds like bullshit, but it does cost me quite a bit of money to do this show.

So I have to pay for the server.

I have to pay for the calls.

I've got to pay for phone cards.

I've got to pay for our toll-free line.

I've got to pay for our shoutcast station.

I do the best I can.

But financially right now with the wedding coming up and just I'm in my own financial situation the way the economy is right now,

it got pretty hard to justify me.

You know, basically when it comes to my life, yeah, I loved doing the Madhouse show.

But I've got my priorities, such as my future wife, my future family, my bills to pay, my car payment, my rent payment, et cetera, et cetera.

I've got to cut something off at some point.

You know, I'm going to be up here in San Francisco real soon, man.

Right.

We're going to have to change the whole operation up, man, once I get established.

Yeah.

I mean, it was a really hard decision to make, to be honest with you.

When I was thinking about, I'm going to have to shut down Madhouse Radio.

It's going to have to end.

I got really sad.

I was like, bro, because there's a lot of people who live for, like, to listen on Thursday nights.

There's a lot of people who want to listen.

It's four years, man.

It's going on four years.

Four years we've given to our beloved listeners.

And, Milkman, you know, you got the email, right?

I sent the email.

I was like, guys, look, I'm sorry.

Yes, I did.

We're going to have to shut it down.

Literally, I got really bad.

Let me just tell you the truth.

I got really bad financial news earlier in the week.

And I was like, okay, I've got to cut something off.

the first thing that has to go, unfortunately, is the Madhouse Radio thing.

I love doing it.

It's my one moment where Athena lets me do whatever I want.

I get to sit here and entertain you people

and make prank calls and act like an asshole for the love of it.

It brings joy to my life, but shit, you know,

it's expensive and things are just bad right now.

Thankfully, someone out there helped us out,

made a small donation, made a significant donation.

Let me just say, it's enough to run this, what we're doing here now,

It's enough to run things for the next two or three months, maybe four.

No matter what, we always have a home in Syndicate.

We can always be on Syndicate, I'm sure, on a Thursday night.

But we get a lot of people who love listening to the podcast.

We get a lot of people who like going to the Madhouse website, chatting with us there,

listening to our prank calls there.

It all adds up.

It comes up to almost $100 a month.

Not quite that much.

I think it comes to like $60, $80 a month.

I don't ever ask for any money from you people because I just want to do it to entertain you guys.

But it costs me money.

When it comes down to it, I've got to do what I've got to do.

Anyway, so, again, thank you to Anonymous Donator because you saved this show.

It came down to the line.

Literally, it came down to within hours of us not doing the show tonight.

I probably would have still gone on Syndicate only, but it would have been really sad.

It would have been really sad to have said, hey, I'm on Syndicate, but everyone else has been listening to us for the last three years.

Sorry, guys.

You know, it would have been really sad.

It would have been different.

I would have felt really bad.

So thank you, honestly, from the bottom of my heart.

And I'm sure all the listeners out there, please, despite the fact that we don't know who it was,

I want you all to thank you, Mr. Anonymous, for saving Manhouse Radio.

Love you.

Yes.

We appreciate it.

Love you.

The new news says, first thing is to get rid of Chloe the cat.

I am never getting rid of Chloe.

That's my little baby girl.

I'll get rid of Dobby.

Dobby gets out of here first, that big fat orange fuck.

that big fat orange fuck that put the scratch on my fucking wrist that son of a bitch

no dobby's really close to me too i love both those cats yeah bear yeah he pissed on my book

bag that i've had since my freshman year of high school fucking ass like yeah man anyway limbo wants

to know limbo you want to donate who did lego dr lego what's up man lego i'm beer number six over

here man i'm getting drunk this is gonna be bad in a little bit i'm gonna be like drinking eight

Ate beers, drunk off my ass, doing prank calls.

I've got to take a break.

Speaking of drinking, I've got to drain the lizard, if you know what I mean.

I've got to visit my office real quick over here in the bathroom.

When we come back, we have more prank calls to hit.

It's now 11.44 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

Psychic Chef, please inform me what time you need to go on so I know what time to let you on.

When we come back, we've got more numbers to prank call here.

We've got the Motel 6 just came in here also from Lonesome Loser.

Your request coming in.

You can also call us.

uh toll free line is 1-888-278-8509 again you can reach us here toll free tonight

no cost to you 1-888-278-8509 so yeah whatever we'll be back in a little bit in the meantime

stay tuned to the show i promise ford 4.38 minute break guaranteed more prank calls

Calls, more talk, more of your calls, more entertainment.

You'll love it.

Fuck.

What else are you going to do on a Thursday night?

There's nothing else.

There's really nothing else.

What are you going to do?

Watch Jay Leno?

Fuck that guy.

The fucking big chin bastard.

We'll be right back in a moment.

Don't go anywhere.

Thank you.

Fuck you.

Motherfucker.

House Radio will be back right after this.

Hello.

Who's this?

This is Alan.

What?

This is Alan.

I'm near my home.

Where you at?

I'm over here at the bar.

What?

I'm over here at the bar.

Who the hell is this?

I don't know.

Hello.

Did you hear that?

This is the Taxi Service.

Who the fuck is this?

This is the Taxi Service.

Man, I'm about to fucking fucking whoop somebody's ass.

Who the fuck is this?

This is the Taxi Service, sir.

You're saying that shit is funny, huh?

This is the Taxi Service.

Yeah, this is the Taxi Service.

Why don't you put your head on my motherfucking wall, motherfucker?

Look, sir.

I got a man over here.

He's on diarrhea all over himself.

We need to get him out of the bar.

We're here in the dairy.

Yeah, I'll give you a fucking man diarrhea or something and you'll see the fucking brain I'm about to stick in your ass.

Who the fuck are you?

Leave him here, sir. Now, I don't understand you. I don't appreciate your violence with me.

Now, I'm the manager here at the bar, and I need to get this man out of here.

He can't drive. Now, are you going to help him drive or not?

You job turkey-ass motherfucker, what are you talking about?

Job turkey, you bitch.

You stay in here, boy. You don't talk to me like that now.

You damn racist people over here, random car taxi.

Tell me you're going to come pick the man up or not?

You jack turkey motherfucker.

Who, who, who you speaking to son? What's your name?

Let me speak to your manager.

Alright, but you better talk white in about three seconds or your ass gonna be fucking knowing something about fucking off, buddy.

But now, I need to know if you can come pick up your man or not.

What the hell are you?

We're over here at Dicky Doo's in Deberry.

Dicky Doo's?

Yeah.

Man, you just show me a place dude. I'm about to come whoop some motherfuckers ass cause I don't even know who the fuck you talking about.

How much you gonna charge you guy? Pick somebody up over here to, to tax a cab.

Man, this ain't no motherfuckin' tax cut!

Uh, uh, this is a tax cut.

I don't come fuckin' pickin' somebody up. I don't whoop their goddamn ass.

I kicked your ass, you son of a bitch, and your goddamn mother.

What?

I murdered your mother.

You motherfuckin' nigger, how you like that, you piece of shit?

I'm a motherfuckin' nigger, you son of a bitch.

You nigger, motherfucker.

How you a nigger, man?

What? What? What you don't? Oh, sir.

Let me speak to Michael Frazier.

Man, I'm a motherfucking

since the private goddamn phone.

It's the white man

that don't want to hear

from no goddamn niggas

calling me in the fucking

middle of the night.

Listen.

Listen, boy.

I'll show you a boy

with a 12-gauge shotgun,

motherfucker.

Listen, cracker.

Listen to that, three letters.

Listen here, cracker.

You can't hear a cracker.

I'll show you some

fucking three-letter,

motherfucker.

I'll see you here.

I'll see you here in your taxi.

I'm going to urinate

in your gas tank.

I'll give you shit

in that gas tank.

I don't know who the fuck you are.

Who you?

Are you Michael Frazier?

Man, this ain't Michael Frazier, man.

This is a motherfucking white man.

Shut up.

I'm going to have the wrong number then.

Yeah, you got the fucking wrong number.

So fucking don't call this number again.

Listen here.

Hang on.

Listen here.

You tell me where the fuck you are and I'm going to come here and...

Hello, this is...

I'm David, the manager here at the bar.

What seems to be a problem?

I don't care what the fuck is a problem.

But someone's calling up my goddamn phone.

I ain't a fucking taxi key.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Now listen to me.

I heard...

I've had you calling my disestablishment plenty of times now,

and I'm going to have a trace.

Why are you calling him being violent?

We've had some guy calling him making racist comments before.

Is this him?

I ain't calling him making racist comments.

I'm calling him making racist comments now because I want to hear some fucking nigger call me.

Excuse me.

Leroy over here is saying you're calling him a nigger and stuff.

I am calling him a nigger because he's calling my guy on the phone.

Why do you have to call people nigger for?

What's your problem?

We're calling the taxi service and trying to get in touch with Mr. Frazier.

Sweetie, when was the last time that you guys stocked up the kegs?

What?

The kegs. When was the last time you guys stocked up on the kegs, Amy?

What is it? I don't understand it.

Amy, sweetie, you guys want to stock up on the kegs?

Sir?

Amy, how you doing, baby? How you doing, Amy? I'm asking you.

Amy, she's not here.

Well, Amy said to call in about the keg delivery tonight.

What?

Amy said to call in about the keg delivery tonight, sir.

Oh, actually, you know, Amy, she's gone for almost three years, so I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, what did you say? She wasn't there now, but was she going to be? I have to deliver the kegs.

No, no, we don't need that. She's gone for two years. It means, I don't know, when was your last time to talk to her?

Well, she put down every Thursday we're supposed to deliver five pony kegs of Bud Light.

No, no, no, I think you got the wrong number.

No, it's Amy's, right? The Burger Shack?

Yeah, but I don't know what you're talking about.

We do the back-to-school party every year at Amy's Burger Shop for the high school.

We bring in kegs of beer.

I don't need it.

We don't need it.

Anyway, thank you very much.

Well, sir, you better pay for these kegs.

You better pay for the kegs.

No, no, no.

That's not what I'm talking about.

Thank you very much.

Can I put them in the back door, sir?

Hey, man, if you don't take these kegs, I'm going to lose my job,

and Mr. Valente is probably going to take my other thumb.

That's not what I'm talking about.

Well, really, don't call me for that, okay?

I have a contract.

I have a contract with Miss Amy to bring in cakes.

No, no, I don't.

She didn't do anything like that, okay?

I know her, actually.

So don't do that.

What did you do to her?

Did you tie her up in the back of the room and you did something to her?

Is that what you did?

What?

Are you with the Yakuza?

Who are you?

Who is this?

But I don't need to talk to you, okay?

Don't call me for that.

I'm really mad.

What's your ID number, sir?

Check.

Ho, ta, ta, me so funny.

Ho, ta, ta, ta.

That's you.

What are you going to do about this keg?

Yeah, you're going to drink it.

Okay, I'm going to call police.

Okay, I have your number here.

I'm going to call the police.

No, no, don't call.

Call the police.

No, no, don't call the police.

I'm so scared.

Hello?

Who's that?

He's calling the police.

I'm blocking the number.

No, Charlie, Charlie.

I called you the R word.

The number that I'm spoofing my calls as today

Or is the number for the lady who hit my car

1-888-788-5109

I put your GPS in your box

And a trap door at the bottom

So when you die

You open a trap door at the bottom

You check the GPS

And you go straight down to the hell

Madhouse Radio is back

You are bigger than a woman

You are better than a woman

We will always be behind you

Do not let a woman ever, ever make you who you are.

And here we are.

What's up, everybody?

Madhouse Radio is a bizzack.

All right, folks.

Time to do it.

Excuse me.

Segment number two of Madhouse Radio for April 23rd, 2009.

It is now 1156 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

Go something.

Finish wolfing down my meatloaf.

Someone wants to come back out.

Swamp taint.

And mention here of Cinco de Mayo.

That's coming up.

I didn't even realize we're almost there.

You know, a lot of people confuse things.

People say, oh, Cinco de Mayo, that's the celebration of Mexican independence from the United States.

Not true.

The United States never had any claim over Mexico.

Some people will say, oh, yeah, that's the celebration of independence over Mexico over...

Celebration during Corona is in the open parking lot.

No, it's not.

The first person who can truly tell me that the reason for the Cinco de Mayo celebration wins a gold star.

Because most of you have it wrong.

It has nothing to do with the United States or Spain.

It doesn't have to do with a war or a battle that happened.

It's not what you're thinking.

A lot of people don't realize.

There we go.

Mikey129 with the correct choice, with the correct idea, the correct answer.

Gold star for you.

Defeated the French forces at the Battle of Puebla

A lot of people don't realize

For a time there

France was really involved

With Mexico

They were up in there

Actually I think they had possession of Mexico

Freedom fries

I don't know

That's bullshit

Freedom fries

Fuck French fries

I want freedom fries

Fuck French's mustard

I'm gonna have

I remember when that was happening, people were like, yeah, I don't want French's mustard.

I want whatever other mustard's out there.

He asked me, the only real mustard is French's mustard, fuckers.

And the only real ketchup is Heinz ketchup.

Spicy brown French's mustard.

Oh, yeah.

He said it's spicy brown.

Hey, dear friend.

and Lord Spoon says the sinking of the Titanic is what led to the creation of Cinco de Mayo.

I always thought it was the Battle of Puebla.

What are you talking about?

What are you smoking over there, Lord Spoon?

No, no, the sinking of the Titanic is the battle, you're right.

It was the Battle of Puebla.

It was the elimination of the French forces under Napoleon.

Was it under Napoleon that moved in there, I think?

They took Mexico.

I don't know what that was about.

France really had a hard-on for the Americas.

because they really wanted to get in the United States

in the continent of America really bad.

They had the Louisiana thing

and then they had the whole trading thing

up in Canada and Quebec and all that shit.

Because they were competing with Spain

because Spain had more gold and more money

to come over and try and make a conquest,

an imperial conquest of this new land.

And the French were trying to get involved too.

through like the Mississippi.

And the truth is the French hated everything to do with the British.

No matter what it was, they hated anything the British wanted.

Oh, they have French and English.

It's almost like, you know, the whole thing with the French, the French, French, United States, and Britain.

It's almost like Britain is like our mom.

United States and France are kind of like the Auschutes, and we're like the brothers that kind of, we don't like each other, but we deal with each other, you know.

We help each other out when we need to, when it really comes down to it.

For the most part, we're jealous of each other.

We hate each other.

British are cool.

I like Britain.

Britain's cool.

They're all right.

Nanny state, but they're all right.

We don't want to live there.

Too bland.

Yeah, well, you know, our favorite town right here in the madhouse is Wankershire, England.

And you know that one of our favorite listeners there in Point Man,

Chair Nunu, is from Wankershire, England.

That's right.

You know, I heard that he's a Tesco's pensioner.

Lord Spoon says...

A female serial killer.

Lord Spoon says the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of mayonnaise

set to be dropped off in Mexico,

but since the mayo never made it, they made it a holiday.

that was actually kind of good

thank you man

Cinco de Mayo

I like that

I get it

thank you

man am I drunk

beer number 8 everybody

cheers to you

if you're drinking with me

right on you

fuck a Friday

I don't give a fuck

alright

Mikey129

Madhouse beer

yes natural light

nice and cheap

if you're drinking natural light tonight

throw your guns in the air

what's his face

get in space

Dr. Lego

ago trying to send me a jpeg but it wasn't coming through and he signed off asshole thanks for

nothing jerk kidding yeah it's confirmed it doesn't look like the atlantic city thing is

going to go through uh dino and associates you can go ahead and cancel that out it's just not

possible that everything's fucking booked up that sucks like it was crazy because i was sitting

there i was like i was trying to book a room and i went you know i went to expedia i went to

travelocity and all these sites and everything was like booked up it's like booked booked booked

booked booked like i the economy's shitty these people are usually really begging for people to

book rooms what's going on and i was thinking i was thinking and afina reminded me hey remember

we were supposed to get married the week before but because it's memorial day weekend you know

we decided not to do it and i was like oh okay well that makes sense that's why everything's

booked up or expensive all those new york assholes want to go to new jersey you're from new york

I don't know.

What are we going to do, Milkman?

We're still going to go out, right?

You're going to be in town, right?

What are we going to do?

We're going to go to Philadelphia, then?

Is that what we're going to do?

Yeah, bro.

Yeah, dude.

Fuck it.

We'll do something.

Yeah, I say let's find something like a Motel 6 and just raise hell, man.

Fuck.

Let's do it.

Let's pull fire alarms in on shit all night.

Hell yeah.

We'll get to the dual rooms with the sweet doors between them, and we'll just rip them

fucking hell, man. And then whenever they start

looking for us, we'll go in the other room and close the door.

That's right. Gets them every

time. Alright. Cool.

Speaking of which, Motel 6.

Someone's

in Sunnyvale, California, home of Atari.

Room 103. There's a guy

in there. Let's ask him about Atari.

Hang on, folks. Next prank call of the night. It's coming right up.

Motel 6. Good old Sunnyvale

fucking California. Stand by.

Thank you. Thank you for calling Motel 6

Sunnyvale South. If you know the room number

of the guest you're calling, please enter it at any time.

For directions to the motel, please press 1.

For reservations, please press 3.

Hold on the line for further assistance.

Fucking Christ.

Google Voice doesn't work with the hitting touch-tone buttons.

Shit.

But I've been assured they're working on it.

We're calling Motel 6, Sunnyvale South.

This is Ricky speaking.

May I make a reservation for you?

Hey, sweetie, how you doing?

Fine, how can I help you?

I need room 103, please.

Hey, one second.

Yeah, Mikey, DTMF doesn't work on Google Voice all the time.

They're working on it, I'm told.

I have assurances from Mr. Google himself.

John.

Who's this?

Hey, big man.

How you doing there, sir?

You got the wrong room.

No, no, no.

This is room 120, 103, rather?

Yeah.

I got the correct room.

We're going to have an orgy here in room 122.

I was wondering if you were interested in coming in and having sex.

Do you have sex still, or are you still old for that, too old?

How old are you, old man?

I can know who my partner is.

No, there's several women here and just two men.

We're trying to mix it up a little bit.

You're okay with women, or maybe you're, I don't know.

If you're not into women.

Well, send one down.

Huh?

No, no, no.

It's here.

We're half naked or we can't go out there.

And you've seen how this place is.

Is it top or bottom?

We got the lights off.

No one's going to see.

Sorry?

I said we got the lights off.

No one's going to see, buddy.

It's okay.

We got two...

How old are you, women?

Susie's 22.

Valente, that's me.

I'm 28.

We have a 32-year-old here.

Hang on.

How old are you?

41.

He's a woman.

I appreciate it.

Are you, what's the matter, would you prefer more men?

I mean, you can have a, you can have, we're not going to ask questions if you're into the gay, it's okay, you can be, huh?

Again, I appreciate it, but, you know.

Are you top or bottom?

Are you bottom?

You take it in the ass?

No, no, no, no, no.

Well, that's what a bottomism is, you take it in the ass.

I just understood, okay, hey, thanks a lot.

You're a fucking queer, you son of a bitch, you're going to hell, burn, yeah.

He's a bottom.

Fucking gay.

Yeah, I got him.

On tape, even.

Brandon Vegas says he's a power bottom.

Never heard that term before, but I'll take your word for it, Brandon.

Brandon Vegas, wherever you learn that from.

Oh, my God.

Crazy fucking show.

Getting in this show, man.

It's crazy.

Too many people like this show.

Coco, good point.

I think it was down for it.

Excuse me for eating my meatloaf.

I'm fucking hungry, all right?

Deal with it.

You guys did your dinner on time

I didn't

I got home

And I have 45 minutes

To set up this stupid show

For you people

I didn't get to eat dinner

For shit

You like that?

Listen

Alright

Before I choke

Uh oh

Okay

Mikey wants a

Masterson cold

Alright

Let's see what else

We got here Lonesome

What you got for me brother?

Masterson cold

Big Kahuna Pizza

Honolulu, Hawaii

Jack Masterson

Coming right up

You got it

You want it

You got it

Stand by

Hollywood's calling

Hollywood Vagina

How you doing?

How you doing, man?

I'm doing fine.

How you doing?

It's good to talk to you, brother.

Yeah.

Yeah, brother, man.

How you been?

Strange?

I've been strange.

Strange enough, man.

It's good to talk to you.

You too, man.

Yeah, man.

You want to do some prank calls?

Yeah.

You want to call that guy back?

I could beat the girl.

Yeah.

It would be nasty with her.

Very cool.

All right.

That was room...

What room was that?

120...

103.

Okay.

Motel 6 in Sunnyvale.

In case you guys want to call him, too.

Go for it.

I don't care.

All right, hang on, Hollywood.

Don't go anywhere, all right, brother?

All right.

Room 103.

Room 103, please.

I'm sorry?

Is this room 103?

Are you going to come over?

No, I said I don't...

We'll make you really comfortable over here.

I appreciate it, but no, I...

I mean, I just thought you were a very attractive man, and I wasn't sure...

Sir?

I'm sorry?

I just thought you were an extremely attractive man, and I thought maybe I could do some crazy stuff to you.

Like I said, I appreciate it, but not tonight.

Can I lick your balls?

All right, bye.

Can I whack you off, please?

I'm sorry?

Can I whack you off?

Are you baby oil?

You want to come down to my room?

That's fine.

You want to come to my room?

That's fine.

Well, we got everybody over here right now.

Come on, baby.

Thanks.

Come on, baby.

It doesn't cost anything.

It's not the credit at all.

Just come on over.

Do you have hairy balls or what?

Thank you very much.

Good night.

Do you shave?

Do you shave your balls?

I love shave balls.

Thank you very much.

It makes my nipples hard.

Good night.

You're getting me off right now.

Yeah.

Good night.

Bye.

Oh, come over, please.

I just got to take a second to laugh.

That was good, man.

He's really into it.

He's fighting with it.

He's close.

Returning to main menu.

You have no new messages.

To place a call, press 2.

For Google, please enter the phone number you would like to dial, followed by the pound

key.

Oh, using Google.

For international numbers, please enter 011.

This is a free call.

All right.

Let me see if I can get another room here.

Hello.

That's 112.

This is an old Jim Stewart thing.

Call the Motel 6 with the orgy calls.

Thank you for calling Motel 6, Sunnyvale South.

This is Ruthie speaking. May I make a reservation for you?

No, ma'am. I need room 112, please.

What room number?

112.

Okay, one second.

Thank you.

I want to wait next time.

Wait.

Yeah, if this is a pickup.

Or any, any, you know.

Let's pick one.

Number 8, almost done.

Almost done.

And Treasure Bunny, still going?

Still going.

Let me get number 9.

I'm probably going to pass out in the air tonight.

What's wrong with that?

That's on shit my pants ripoff

Yeah, I try something else cool. You don't you don't have a Google voice account right now

You got to get one as soon as they're available man. I'll hook you up as soon as I can send invites

It's the shit dude. I'm telling you free spoofed United States phone calls for prank calls

No more spoof card man

Yeah, well not yet. It's about to be they keep saying you know any day

You know how Google is.

Google's like Mr., you know, they're beta forever.

So we'll see when it happens.

But that's what they say.

Mimsy through clay agrees with the turkey legs.

Good, but too many bones in it.

Yeah, true.

A lot of bone and cartilage in that.

It gets in your teeth.

You ever been to Orlando, Hollywood?

Oh, yeah.

Been to Disney and all that?

Yeah, we came and saw the disillay there, too.

Oh, God, that's expensive.

That's about the price of going to Disney.

isn't he? I can't justify spending 45 bucks to see Cirque du Soleil. Is it still La Nuba

there? Yeah, it's still La Nuba, yeah. I think it's always going to be La Nuba. I don't know

whether... Vegas has the other one. There's another one at Vegas, a different one, right?

And the original one's in New York or something like that. That's how it works. Never been.

I don't know. Seems too weird. Too queer for me. But hey, whatever. Whatever wants your

butter. Alright, I'm going to give you some numbers. Here's one. Nunu wants to call the

clowns. Oh, yes, the clowns.

Send in the clowns. Okay, send in the

clowns. Alright, did you get the list

of clowns, or I can give you, you know,

who to ask for? I didn't.

Let me send you, as a matter of fact,

let me send you the list of clowns

so you know who to ask for. You're in the, uh,

in the chat room. That's not gonna work. Yeah.

Shit. Um, fuck.

Email it. Me too.

I can. You know what? Are you on Google at all?

No, you're not on Google.

I am. Are you in my Yahoo

account? You're in your Yahoo account.

Yeah, what's your Yahoo account name?

I'll send it to him, Armando.

I'll PM him.

Tell him I'll PM him right now.

It's Hollywood Vineyard.

Okay.

Yeah, Milkman, can you send him some of those names of clowns?

Would you mind?

Milkman's going to send it to you in IRC, okay?

Because I can't.

I'm on one PC, and on the other side I've got the other one,

and I can't transfer him over.

I got it.

Check him out there, Hollywood.

You got him, Hollywood?

Yeah.

Okay, good.

All right, cool.

I'm going to call that place, and you just ask for any of those clowns.

Just ask for the real name, and we'll see if they answer.

All right, buddy?

All right, brother man, this is Hollywood Vanya.

Hollywood, what's your website?

Is it still up?

Yes, HollywoodVanyaPranks.com.

Still have the free CDs up.

Okay.

Everybody, that's HollywoodVanya, V-A-N-J-A, V-A-N-J-A Pranks.com.

Check that out.

HollywoodVanyaPranks.com.

Yes, sir.

Free CDs out the wazoo.

I'm going to pass that over.

Hi, how are you?

Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm trying to get in touch with you.

One moment.

Thank you.

Hi, 321.

one let's get one moment two one yeah contact that's your name what's your name sweetie my

name is dwayne wright well dwayne i go by the clown named black cock okay hold on just a second

hold on all right black cock black cock hold on just a second their phone is busy so can you hold

on just a second yeah so what you doing tonight baby yeah i'm playing it oh what is this maybe

Yeah, but this is the phone you're packing me.

Are you there?

Yeah.

One moment.

Hey, baby.

The guest you are trying to reach is not available.

Oh, come on.

Please leave a private message on your phone, or please hold a moment.

That's for someone else.

Great day at Holiday Inn, Stein.

Can I help you?

Yeah, hey, I was trying to get in touch with...

Yeah, did I not put you...

Yeah, well, apparently he ain't there.

There's another person I need to talk to.

He's also dead.

Okay, one moment.

Thank you.

you. The guest you are trying to reach is not available. Please leave a private message

at the tone or press zero to ring the... Please hold a moment. Hold on a second, sweetie.

He's on the phone. Okay. Hold on a second. He was on the phone, I guess. All right. Which

one? Steve? Yeah. Hello? This is Steve. Hello. This is Tom. Oh, Tom. How you doing, man?

I'm sorry. I was trying to get in touch with Steve, but I had some money to talk to him

about this is uh duane white duane wyatt yeah no white as in the color white oh okay duane white

yeah yeah what can i do for you duane uh do you know how to get in touch with steve no i think

they're having some trouble with the room phones something i can help you with yeah maybe uh he he

made some statements today about uh black clown yeah and he's saying there ain't no black clowns

there ain't no such thing as a black clown i need to there's a lot of black clowns man this ain't

funny oh yeah there's well now hold on a minute were you in the classroom do you know what he

said yeah i was there okay so you're here at the convention yeah okay and you're registered

at the convention yeah let's see i can't believe he might have said there's not enough no no he

said there ain't no such thing as a black clown those are his words you stay i was very much

offended are you like uh above him i'm the man you're the man oh is that is that another white

white thing? Huh? Is that another black joke? No, I'm the president of the association.

Oh, no, man. You're saying you're the man. That kind of thing made me think it's a white,

it's a black thing. What's going on? Hardly. All right. But were you in his classroom?

I wasn't in his classroom. Yes, I was in his classroom this afternoon, and I was very offended.

I finally calmed myself down enough to where I could call and talk to somebody, because

I walked out. Then why did you call Holiday? What did she say? I hadn't talked to Holiday.

What do you mean?

Yeah, you have.

Your number was tracked, the holiday.

Right.

I called into the holiday, yeah.

The Holiday Inn?

No.

Clowns.

Oh, you got me confused now, man.

I don't have you confused.

I'm having your number tracked.

I don't have you confused.

Okay.

What I want to do is I want to find out why he's saying this stuff.

Well, then you come in and speak to Peachy tomorrow in person, and we'll sit down and discuss it.

Okay.

What time you want me there?

You'll be here at 945.

And you're Tom, right?

I'm Tom.

You asked for Tom.

Everybody knows Tom.

And you said 9-15.

9-45.

Okay, I can do that.

That's 15 minutes till 10.

15 minutes till 10.

Oh, you think I'm dumb now, huh?

No, I'm just telling you it's 15 till 10 because I know that's when Peachy will be here.

Okay.

He'll be there at 9-30.

All right, I'll be there.

No, he'll be here at 9-45.

He won't be there.

9-45, yeah.

That's what I said.

9-45.

Yeah.

All right, man.

I love you.

Bye-bye.

That's funny

They're tracing our number, Hollywood men

Every time they threaten us with that, nothing ever happens

Except for that one time

That's bullshit, because I've got the clown

Cursing me out, calling, telling me to fuck myself

On the phone, so you let them come

Let them come, Hollywood, bring it on

I'll get her license pulled

Clowns can't say fuck you like that, like fuck yourself

What's that about?

And they apparently didn't know something about the black clown either

Of course, that was one of my statements

He's like, oh, I don't think so

The black clown, man

Look at here.

All right, folks.

What time is it now?

12.27 a.m.

You want to do another one?

Sure.

Let me see what else I got here, man.

A lonesome loser log.

All right.

Little Sam's Pizza.

That's the most recent call.

Recent number here that he confirmed.

You remember that Louisiana fried chicken you prank called a few months ago?

I was listening to it last night.

Louisiana fry.

That's right.

Louisiana fry.

They don't fry it.

They just fry it.

That makes sense, I guess.

Is it still open or anything?

I don't know.

Yeah, that was confirmed about two and a half hours ago.

I don't think they are.

But, hey, about ten minutes ago we confirmed Little Sam's Pizza, if you're up for it.

This might be the last prank of the night.

No pressure on you, Hollywood, but I'm getting tired and I'm drunk.

No problem.

There it is.

All right.

Hollywood Vanya bringing it home for us, everybody.

After this on Syndicate Radio, Psychic Chuck will be joining us in just a few minutes.

And Psychic Chuck.

Charlie Chan.

That's kind of cute.

someone else's words, not mine, I never called him Charlie Chan, that's rude, um, I still don't know,

dude, hey, you know what I found out, did you know that, you know that term, the itis, you ever heard

of that term, you know, I got the itis, you ever heard that before, the itis, yeah, no, well,

apparently, like, you know, when you eat a lot of carbs, or you eat a big meal, you get tired at the

end of it, you got the itis, some people call it the itis, right, okay, so I heard someone say that

once, you know, a black dude was like, oh, yeah, I got the itis, oh, cool, the itis, yeah, yeah,

yeah so i see i use it a few times and i remember once in particular i was in the break room at work

and some black guy was there saying yeah you know you know when you eat those i had a wendy's you

know hamburger and i had the itis i mean i got tired you get tired yeah yeah that's the itis the

itis and they looked at me like okay like they didn't know what i was talking about and apparently

i found out last weekend that the itis stands for the nigger itis which means that you're lazy

It's like a bad term

It's a racist thing to say

I had no freaking idea Hollywood

That it was a racist thing to say

You weren't aware of that

Milkman were you aware of that at all

Did you know that I had to stand for the nigger

I heard a lot of shit

So Tuck probably

Heard of that before

He's from cotton country

But yeah man

Apparently someone pulled it out to me

So apparently I was in a break room once

with one of my managers who was black

and another black person

and they were talking about, you know,

they got tired and I said

nigger-itis. I said the-itis.

Oh yeah, that's the-itis. Like nothing.

Oh yeah, that's the-itis.

You got the-itis. Feeling like an asshole.

They gave me these dirty looks and I had no idea why

and apparently I was saying one very

racist thing. I am so embarrassed

and humbled. I gotta go to class.

They're gonna pull me out of Madhouse Radio

and put me... Are you still going to school?

oh school yeah finals week man it's crazy stress out to the max last day you gotta tell that guy

to call him that name i tried it no today was the last day in that class and he asked me again like

what's the professor's name and i said mr banchu and he said no fuck you man he did that to me

oh it's funny we had a laugh he said he was laughing about that i was like yeah that was

pretty funny when you did that huh i was like yeah i tried to get to for those who don't know

know what i'm talking about we had one of my professors in the indian guy bhenchod which is

one of those prank calls we did here a lot means uh sister fucker is that what it was and um yeah

it's a very big curse word in india and he asked me hey what's the professor's name i'm trying to

get his attention i said yeah mr bhenchod and he goes mr bhenchod and the professor turns on like

what the fuck what you know and i said hi i told you to call him mr sister fucker so yeah he

He learned his lesson.

Never take advice from Carlito.

Okay, Hollywood, Little Sam's Pizza, you ready?

We'll see if they pick up.

Hang on, brother.

Just a moment.

Little Sam's Pizza, can I help you?

Yeah, are you still delivering?

No, I'm delivering.

I'm just picked up.

Okay, I'm with my daddy.

I need to order a pizza, please.

Yeah, to be picked up?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Can you hold one second?

One second, please.

Okay.

Yes, can I help you?

Yeah, I need to order a pizza, please.

Okay, what do you like?

I want to have a large.

Do you have gummy bears?

What's that?

Do you have gummy bears?

What's that?

Macaroni and cheese.

Do you have a macaroni and cheese pizza like a Cece's?

Hello?

Yes.

Do you have macaroni and cheese pizza?

No.

Okay, do you have gummy bears?

No.

What's your special?

I have 16-inch, three topping, it's $16.99.

You got a 16-inch?

Yes.

My mom would like that.

Okay.

Yeah.

And what topping do you want in it?

Well, you don't have gummy bears?

No, ma'am.

Okay.

What's, like, the best meat, the 16-inch meat you can put on there?

Meat?

I have pepperoni, I have sausage, Canadian bacon.

Sausage?

Can you put a 16-inch sausage on there?

Okay.

I have Canadian bacon, ham, beef, salami.

What, ham and beef?

I have ham, and I have beef, and I have salami.

Is the beef hot?

No.

The beef not hot?

You don't have hot beef?

No, it's the ground beef.

Hamburger.

Ground beef?

So it fell on the ground?

I don't want food that's been on the ground.

No, no, no.

It's the ground beef.

Like a hamburger.

Yeah, but I don't want hamburger that's fallen on the ground.

No, it's

the beef.

I think you'll get in trouble for selling ground beef like that.

Yeah, it's the ground beef.

So it's like hamburger.

Yeah, but if it's on the ground, it's dirty.

Do you wash it off?

Of course, yes.

Okay, good.

Okay, is your biggest thing the 16-inch?

No, this is large.

I have extra large.

I have giant.

How many people there are?

You have giant?

Yes.

Okay, I want to get one of those.

Which one?

The giant.

You want a giant?

Yeah, my name is Daniel.

And what's happening? You want sausage and beef?

Okay, I'm going to slay that pizza.

Sausage and beef?

Yeah, I'm going to slay that pizza.

Because my name is Daniel and it's a giant.

Okay, this is the biggest one. It's a 28-inch.

How many are?

I can only eat one.

I want a big sausage pizza.

Can you make a big sausage?

How many do you want to order?

One.

One is too much for you. It's giant.

How many?

You want a slice or you want a whole pizza?

A whole pizza.

Okay, if it's just you, is it 12-inch or 4-inch?

What? You got me confused.

No, no. I ask you, how many people are going to eat the pizza?

Me and my daddy and mommy.

Because my mommy likes the 18-inch.

Okay, I have a 20, I have a 16.

What? What?

I have 16-inch, I have a 20-inch.

You have a 20-inch?

Yeah.

My mommy won't like that, too. I don't know.

Ask her, because the price is different.

Ask my daddy. Hang on.

Daddy, daddy, wake up.

Hang on, okay? I get my daddy.

No, here's my mommy, my mommy. I woke my mommy up.

Mommy, can you put some clothes on, please?

There's a guy on the phone who wants to talk to you.

Put some clothes on.

Yes, hello, who is this? Is this an emergency?

No, emergency.

Excuse me?

Want to order pizza?

Who is this?

I'm from the pizza place.

Why are you calling me so late, sir?

No, I didn't call. You called to order, and you're not there right now.

I didn't call. I did not call anything, sir. Why did you wake me up?

I didn't wake you because she wanted to ask you.

What pizza company are you with?

She asked you about, she wanted to order pizza.

No, sir, what company are you with?

I'm in Little Sun Pizza.

Okay. I'll tell you what. There's no reason you need to be calling me.

Are you the one over on Grayland Drive?

Yes, I didn't call.

Okay.

I don't know who is your hotel.

Sir, listen to me. Listen to me.

You're not listening to me. Listen to me, okay?

Okay. There is absolutely no reason for you to be calling me.

Anyway, you call. You call. I didn't call.

I did not call you, sir. My son came and dropped me the phone.

I didn't have your number, and I don't have time to call you.

I'm going to have my lawyer call tomorrow.

I don't have time to call you, okay?

You call to order. I don't know your daughter or...

You know what? I'll tell you what. What nationality are you, sir?

Don't be... You are the best, and we are...

You're a banshoot. You're a banshoot.

Okay, so I'm going to call the police for you. I have your number.

You know what? You call the police. I'm going to call the police.

Yeah, call them. If you're out of the home, call them.

Call the police. You call, yeah. You call the police.

Oh, man. Thanks, Hollywood. It was a good time, man. Thanks for calling, man.

You got it.

I'm out of gas.

All right, brother, man.

Have a good one.

You too, man. I'll talk to you later, my friend. Thanks for calling, man, bro.

All right. Bye.

That's my man, Hollywood Vanya.

Be sure to visit his website, HollywoodVanyaVanja.com.

No, Hollywood Vanya Pranks.

HollywoodVanyaVanjaPranks.com.

That's the one, bitch.

Milkman, take us out of here, sir.

I'll tell you what, man.

Everybody out there listening, now that was a treat.

Now listen, I do expect you want to thank our anonymous giver and donor and friend of the mad ass.

We'll make it all possible for the next several months

God bless you and your generous heart

We do love you

And as you well know

It's all about you, our listeners

That's right, we love each and every one of you

That's right

We ask you every week to come in

Enjoy the most interactive show on the internet

Comedy and pranks

Bring your friends

Better yet, bring your enemies

Because we want to laugh with all of them

I'd like to thank all of our friends over there

At Syndicate Radio

Oh, yeah, titties.

Right.

Without our fearless leader, that's right, the leader of the madhouse militia, it wouldn't be possible.

We love you, Hermione.

Yes, sir.

I love myself, too.

Thank you.

Every night.

Thank you, Milkman.

All right.

Cool.

So I want to thank everybody.

Yeah, as Milkman said, I want to thank everybody.

Lonesome Loser, of course.

Thank you for confirming numbers as diligently as you did.

Thank you, Nunu, for sending in your request, also.

For the clowns, we had some of the clown machines.

Machines, fucking clowns, cursing me out, fuck the clowns, right on.

Except for Yoko, Yoko's the only decent clown out there in the world.

Thank you, sir.

He's over at tuckermike.com, everyone be sure to visit his website, tuckermike.com.

Thank you for joining us here tonight, sir.

And what else can I say?

Brandon Vegas also was in the house, Baz also here checking in in the satellite chat room, satellite link up, and we're done.

We're out of here, folks.

Thank you again for listening.

MadhouseLive.com is the website.

Please be sure to make a note.

Thank you Baz

Be sure to visit the website

Subscribe to our podcast if you get a chance

Listen to our prank calls there

Check out the forums

Browse if you will

Enjoy yourself

Dance like a white boy dances to this song

And we'll catch you here next week

Syndicate Radio is going to have that guy

The Asian cessation as I like to call him

Sidekick Chuck

Madhouse Radio turns it over to Rotation in just a few moments

That's right

No promises but I'll try a show Monday morning

Right on

No promises

But I'll try to show them

On the morning

Don't worry about it

If it doesn't happen

It doesn't happen

No surprises there

Yeah

All right

Thank you guys

We don't need them

We don't want them

Thank you

I was now being traced

By AT&T security

And call tracing network

You will be prosecuted

To the full extent

Of the law

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

You fuck, you fucking cunt!

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Calls (16, 51 min of 2 h 9 min)

Transcript

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