2009-06-25 Show

Don't you tell me that you're not the Indian president.

You have the wrong number, I told you.

Is this a stupid Indian?

Tell me now, where's my phone?

You mother fucker, don't ever call this number.

If you have my number, call me back right now.

You're a fucking liar.

You're a shit bastard.

Vagina.

You are listening to the House Radio Podcast.

What, what, what?

What?

Who are you?

What do you want?

What?

Stupid woman.

You're a woman.

You know that?

You're a fucking woman.

I have an idea, I think they're on the phone, I don't know if you're watching this video,

I think they call like this, like, thank you for your call.

Alright everybody, thank you for tuning in tonight, it's Carlito, Madhouse Radio, starting

off to a spectacular start, spectacular start, we got a lot of things to get to, Lonesome

Loser's back for the first time since we came back.

Good to see Lonesome Loser again.

Hey, Lonesome Loser.

Mr. Loser.

A lot of numbers coming in from him already.

If you want to hang out with us over at madhouselive.com, we'd much appreciate it.

Be sure to visit the, you know, I redid madhouselive.com.

Thank you, Tuck, for making one image for me.

I appreciate it.

Madhouselive.com.

Madhouse like that.

Hey, you got one image, kid.

Thanks, man.

Appreciate it.

Thank you for breaking me off an image.

Tuck is here.

Tuckermike.com is his website, I believe.

How are you?

Yeah, Tuckermike.com is fine.

That's good.

I'm good.

Good.

Good for Tuckermike.com.

That's very good news.

Looking for my cigar cutter.

A lot of things in the news tonight, huh?

I mean, I was going to start.

I had a list of things to talk about when Michael Jackson died.

Any ideas on that?

Oh, poor Michael Jackson.

So is it going to be like when Richard Nixon died, everyone just said a lot of good things about him?

Oh, good thing, man.

Because people used to really fuck around about him all the time and make jokes and jokes about

Farrah Fawcett died too, by the way, if you, uh, you know

Who?

Care about that

Who?

I had it written down here, Farrah Fawcett

Farrah Fawcett

Look, I'm gonna, if you don't believe me, hang on, let me

Oh, fuck, I fell back there

A list written down of stuff I had to do today

And then actually ended up having to change it at the last minute

Because we can only fit so much into this show at once

There you go

Take a look, I have Takenin

and I had Des, and I had Farrah Fawcett, and then I crossed her out for Michael Jackson.

But I left Ed McMahon up there.

So I'm sorry we can't get to Farrah Fawcett.

Okay, well, you take it.

Farrah Fawcett, she had pretty hair, right?

She was a pretty-haired girl?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Nice nipples that got up her swimsuit.

Nice nipples.

Yeah.

Okay.

That's it, really.

Which one?

Was she the one that...

No, no, no.

That was a different one.

What?

She was in an old show.

The blonde one.

Alright, so, yeah, Michael Jackson, that was kind of weird, I mean, no one was really expecting

that one.

I was on my way home, and I heard it on Howard 100 News, I had a Howard 100 News update,

the Howard 100 News update had, like, his fucking, they announced it, like, around 5.15,

I was like, that's kind of weird, that's gotta be a joke, so, I kind of half heard

it, I was like, they said, Michael Jackson, I was like, Michael Jackson went to the hospital

again okay i'm like and i'm like busy that not you know messing either looking to the side of

the road or something i'm busy driving that part and then and then it ends and i said wait a minute

did he say cpr heart attack and i said wait a minute all right michael jackson's in the hospital

again but he said perform did he did they say they're performing cpr huh that sounds kind of

serious and i sat there for a second i said all right fine and i moved it up to the cnn channel

on serious and wolf blitzer was talking about michael jackson's okay well maybe he's just you

You know, maybe he just had a heat exhaustion thing again.

Maybe he was practicing and went, ah, you know, like he always does.

But no, not this time.

This time, dead.

Dead.

Right.

All right.

That's, uh.

Wow.

That's great.

Yeah.

Imagine that.

And now they're like, oh, all these people I was listening to, like, watching, rather,

on CNN, just going off and off about how it's, oh, you know, he was, you know, he was

very frail in the last parts of his days and his skin was like paper and this and that.

And I'm like, what can you do?

I mean, that's the guy, that's the way the guy lived his life.

Well, yeah, he just, you know, touched him and he bruised.

I mean, you think someone's going to die.

What are you going to do about it?

Hello, Madhouse Radio, go ahead.

Hello, man.

See, it's a stupid asshole again.

Little boy, little boy, don't be afraid.

I'm your friend.

I'm Carlito.

Look at me.

I'm looking into the camera.

If you're watching with me on the camera, you're my friend, little boy.

Talk to me on the phone.

You can say hi.

Go ahead.

It's okay.

Say hi.

No?

All right.

Little boy.

little boy little nervous too bad little boy tuck was nervous when he used to call in at first but

he finally got over that he nervous no more we're gonna call milkman here don't give a shit milkman

still on his way uh from work i think i don't i don't think he's getting out of work for like

another hour or something connect you hey asshole yeah so why did you call before and not say

anything why you just sit there what was that about that wasn't me that was that was that was

That's funny how it's the same number I just redialed and you picked up.

No, no, we took a call in the middle of the intro of some person

who just sat there with a phone up their ass and didn't say anything.

And now that I traced the call, it was you, wasn't it, Milkman?

No, I am a disgruntled Milkman.

Oh, man.

So, yeah, you're in Los Angeles.

Is there any demonstrations?

Are you afraid for your life?

You think there will be a riot?

Dude, outside the refinery right now,

We've got the National Guard circling high.

I used to see any of those.

That's the one to come in here and get free gas.

Yeah, well, this day was coming one day.

What can you do, hey?

And it was bound to happen.

It was bound to happen.

He looked...

And everybody's like, oh, he was so frail.

Oh, I heard a few times on CNN, several people said,

wait until the stories come out of the bad people he surrounded himself with

that used him in Atlanta.

So if it was so well-known, why didn't anybody do anything to help the crazy?

He was a weird guy.

He kind of felt, you know why I kind of feel bad is because I grew up,

I was born in 79, I just turned 30, and when I was born, he was 20.

So as a matter of fact, so you can imagine, you know, in the peak of his career,

that was the kind of music that I grew up listening to.

Back then, you know, kids really loved Michael Jackson.

He's a talent.

He really is.

I mean, you know, all the talent.

He's a tragedy.

Yeah.

He's a real tragedy.

Yeah, he's a creepy.

Look at the talent.

I mean, not many people followed him when he was younger

and seen how he developed before he reached the freaky thriller stage.

That's a thriller.

He got that hair burn.

Remember that?

Okay, what happened to Happy Bumble?

That was funny.

Remember that?

He did a Pepsi commercial?

Yeah.

And then his hair got burnt.

That's where he got into this skin-damping thing and all that shit.

And then he started getting into the knife.

You know what I want to hear about, Milkman?

I want to hear about you.

Did you hear that he sacrificed, like, 36 cows to get at Steven Spielberg

about that movie

Hook

something like

he killed

oh man

yeah but he wanted

to be Peter Pan

and said they gave

it to Robin Williams

and he got

I'm not kidding you

and he got really mad

and apparently

he like sacrificed

a bunch of cows

in Mexico

in like the

Baja Peninsula

you never heard about it

he did it to get

yeah he's a very

anti-Semitic guy

apparently

like he's

well why am I saying

he is

he was

he was a very

anti-Semitic guy

and I think

because of that

he went to hell

because Jesus

doesn't love him

because Jesus

wasn't Jew

Well, he grew up Jehovah's Witness, you know.

Wow, that's bad.

I mean, really, he is a bad kid.

You know what I remember, Milkman?

What's that?

I was like, we're playing taps right now.

I was about 10 years old, and I was looking in the grocery store with my mom.

I was in the grocery store with my mom.

We were checking out, and the world news, you know the fake news that they make?

You know that fake, you know, tabloid, you know, Batboy's out and this and that or whatever?

Your onion news?

Yeah, well, whatever.

ever just like the world the daily whatever that that fake tabloid that's obviously fake anyway i

was reading through it you know while we're in the checkout aisle and you know my mom's handling

paying and i said hey mom it says here it has predictions for you know the the 1990s i think

it was like december of like 89 or something it's like oh really that's funny what does it say it

said it said that michael jackson will actually moonwalk on the moon and i remember she told me

oh she said god would never let that happen that that sick person goes on the moon god would never

ever let that happen, like, she said it seriously, I was like, what? She's like, yeah, so, man,

it's, like, she was, like, really anti-Michael Jackson or something, because you know what,

I got a great story, I got to give this, I'll give this story later, but the one time I

really freaked out my mom when I was about four years old, and my Thriller album got

broken, my Thriller cassette tape, it was my dad's Thriller cassette tape, she, you

know the, you know how Puerto Ricans, they have that, it's like a big, you know, it's

It's called a Pilon, you know, it's where, Pilon, Pilon, you know what it is?

How would you describe it?

It's like this big, giant wooden bowl with a big pestle, like a mortar and pestle, but

on a big size, and you use it to smash plantains.

Well, she took the Michael Jackson CD and she put it in there and she smashed it up

with the mortar and pistol thing, because what happened was, this is funny, my mom was

taking a nap, I was four years old, and I was listening to the Thriller album, and I

was listening to the song Thriller.

You know there's a part where the music stops and this guy with a very satanic voice comes up?

So I thought it was a funny idea if I played that to scare my mom.

So I turned...

You're a surprise guy?

Well, here's what I did.

I turned that part just by itself really loud.

And I remember I went to the sink and I grabbed the long, like the butcher knife.

And I played it really loud.

And she was taking a nap in the guest bedroom.

And I started walking in really slowly with like a half-dumb smile on my face.

And it freaked her out.

and she started, like, saying, like, the Virgin Mary, like, the Hail Mary

and invoking the saints, and she thought I was possessed.

And I remember she crushed the cassette that she called my grandma

and asked if she thought I was possessed or that she'd take me to the church.

I remember to this day, like, that was so crazy.

She's very traditional Puerto Rican Catholic, you know,

and I freaked her out with that.

She thought I was possessed by the Michael Jackson music.

So naturally she was like, oh, my God, I've got to destroy this, you know,

devil music stuff, you know.

You know, I knew that Michael Jackson, you know, he's a black kind of thing.

You know, she just kind of had that attitude about it.

And she destroyed the fucking thing.

Yeah, and to this day, I haven't really brought it up to her, but I remember for a fact.

He's just a little boy.

No, Mom, it's not true.

He's going to touch you.

He'll grab you.

He'll touch you.

And he'll give you Jesus to do it.

Hi.

He's a bad black man.

My mom would totally say something like that.

I'm pretty sure that's why.

That's why.

Yeah, my dad was like, you know, you know, he's like fucking Christ.

Christ, you destroyed my damn, you know, you destroyed my damn, uh, oh, my God, my damn, uh, yes, my cassette.

She wasn't, he wasn't too happy about it, but she's like, no, he became possessed.

That Michael Jackson thrill song is about death and the devil and stuff, so.

I'm going to play that part real quick.

It's like somewhere in the end.

I have no idea.

I think it was cut in some versions.

Here we go.

This is it.

So you can imagine my mom at the time was barely able to understand and speak English.

just sees her

four year old son

with this blaster

in the background

walking with a butcher knife

it wasn't a butcher knife

it was like a meat cleaver

so she thought

I was possessed by the devil

she was convinced

that Michael Jackson

was the devil

she never lived that down

until the very end

I remember that

and another funny story

was Pee Wee Herman

when I was

before he came out

well he does

take little boys

yeah true

well there you go

well before

Pee Wee Herman

when he was big

when he had the show

on CBS

he used to watch it

every week

and my dad would

always come by

and say

I don't want you

to watch that

fucking show

that guy there's something wrong with that guy there's something wrong with that guy

something he wouldn't tell me you know what was wrong and then he was you know half queer

whatever he says no no i don't want you to watch that shit his head yeah so the funny thing is i

was about three years before he ended up like getting busted in sarasota for jerking off in

the adult theater and all that and now of course he's fucking nuts but uh yeah that was pretty

funny he was actually right about that one he was quite actually right about that one

I guess this is Crazy Fucker from California

or someone with the same pseudonym says

Carlito Michael Jackson died

leaves more little boys for you to molest

thank you very much

very appropriate of you to say

I don't care what the fuck you say

Crazy Fucker

I do care of the fact that you've left

a ton of drunked out voicemails

which I still have to play

I'll see if I remember how to log in

I can do it online

I got, like, phone-something service where I can play my voicemails online.

Do you have voicemails?

Milkman?

No.

Crazy fucker called me, like, at 3 o'clock in the morning, like, five or six times straight,

just drunk dialing my ass.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you, crazy fucker, for giving us content.

Thank you, man.

Much appreciated.

Okay, so that's official.

All right.

All right, yeah.

So we got other shit to talk about eventually.

All right.

Oh, that's playing.

We've got other shit to talk about eventually,

but for now we're just going to continue doing our normal show.

Yeah, what about Farrah Fawcett, dude?

Do you remember her?

Yeah, I mean, where was she in again?

I know she was one of those older ladies that still look good.

She was one of those angels, dude.

It was about in the 70s.

This was about like 76, but gee, I remember a lot back then

that people weren't used to anything sexual.

It was like everybody had to have clothes on.

There wasn't no low cuts.

There wasn't no content.

It is nowadays where everything goes compared to then.

She had this

And the mainstreaming

It's like the all time

Greatest selling poster

She's really like

Nipple

Wait a minute

She was the one with the poster

Where she was like in a bikini

But she was like sitting down

She had the big nipples

Oh yeah

I remember that poster

Probably of all time

Get with the times

It was so

You know

It's like ooh

How many times

Did you jerk off to that milkman

Be honest

I was always

I wasn't really much

I never was a big blonde fan

I was like Jack

Bullshit

You know what you did

I know you did that dirty thing

You did watch that, didn't you?

That nasty...

Monkey the monkey.

Yeah, right.

Monkey the monkey.

That dirty fucking thing you do, Milkman.

You're a fucking monkey because that's what it does.

I shave my palms regularly.

This is Michael Jackson.

So we should play...

This is my girl in there, man.

No, she's not.

We should play a Michael Jackson song, but that's just too gay.

I got a few of them.

I don't have anything really good,

except for the one I played at the beginning of the show.

Beat it.

I'm going to play Beat It.

Beat it.

You got the theme song to a gay show?

Yeah, that's fine.

Let's see what I got.

stranger in moscow what's stranger in moscow what isn't that didn't he write that about uh

mary jean billy jean you more good good one all right anyway we'll play this for him right here

okay i would help and um okay we'll be right back with the first prank i have no idea what

the first prank was gonna be guess what you knew it had a good point roulette you knew it had a

really good point oh no call uk to tell people about michael jackson dying because some people

People might have gone to sleep early and still would not know.

What time did Jackson die in that time zone?

11 p.m.?

Oh, my God.

And guess what?

Nunu, guess what?

I've got a full phone card all juiced up for U.K. numbers.

We could call U.K. all night, tell them about Jackson Michael.

All right.

Lonesome loser, make it so.

U.K. numbers, my good man.

We'll give out the contact information a little bit.

All right.

Both of you are going to shut up.

All right, call coming up. Thank you.

Yes, hello. This is a warm-up phone call. How are you doing?

Good.

Good. I'd like to order a warm plate, please.

Yes, hold on.

All right, warm, please.

Excuse me?

It needs to be warm.

Yes, hold on.

Thank you.

Sir.

Who is this?

Me, Sanjay.

Sanjay, good deal. Hey, man. I was going to use that name once.

Listen, what's the hold-up with me putting the order for a hot plate, for a warm plate?

Sorry?

I want a warm plate. I want to make an order for a warm plate, please.

Yeah.

So, what do you want?

Make an order for a warm plate.

One plate what?

Of food. Warm.

So, what do you want? Just tell me, sir.

I want a plate. I want to order a plate, please.

You want to order one plate?

Yes.

One plate of what?

Do the Papadons come in plates or in a box?

Two ways or in a box, sir.

Okay, what about a plate?

Hold on, sir.

Don't go away for a long time, please. Okay?

Sanjay.

Yes, I wanted a warm plate, please.

I'm sorry?

I wanted to order that plate.

Put me down for that plate.

Which plate?

I ordered the plate. Sanjay knows.

Who is this? Is this Sanjay also?

No, this is not Sanjay. Who do you want to talk to?

Well, Sanjay was taking my order. Maybe I should talk to him again.

Actually, he's busy with another customer.

Oh, how convenient. How convenient. How convenient.

Did he put down why he had my order?

Ask him real quick. No, you've got to interrupt him because I came first.

Ask him what my order was so far, please.

Okay, hold on a second.

I'm not repeating orders here.

What is this? Huh?

Actually, even Sanjay is not aware of your order.

Well, yeah, take...

Let me know what you want.

Well, I already told him. I mean, did he write it down? Or should I repeat it?

He didn't understand what you want.

The plate that I want.

What plate do you want?

The warm plate. It needs to be warm.

Warm plate?

Well, he said that the Papa Doms come in boxes, right? Not in plates? When you order them to go?

Papa? Actually, we put them in plastic bags.

Oh, bags? Like, do you recycle the bags? Like, from when you go to the store? Or are they fresh bags?

They are the fresh bags. No, we don't recycle them.

Are they the ones that say thank you? Or do they have the smiley face?

Yeah, those are the ones.

The thank you, how many times does it say thank you?

I'm sorry?

Does it say thank you like three times or four?

Actually, I don't know.

What do you want to order?

It says it more than once, right, huh?

What do you want to order?

Well, my friend told me about that, there's a dish that, you know, the plate.

Wait, do you have access to the internet?

Well, he wrote it down here, but I don't know if I know how to pronounce it.

He didn't write anything on the check.

No, no, no.

No, my friend, okay.

Okay. He wrote down, but I don't know if I can pronounce it, so...

Okay, just spell it for me.

Do you want me to try?

Yeah, just spell it for me.

Hang on, let me... It's on the desk.

On a post-it note.

It says one plate. It says B-A-H-N and then C-H-O-D.

I think that's a D. That's a D or a P.

I think it says Bhenchod.

Just pronounce it.

Bhenchod.

Okay.

I think that's what he said.

Can I have your phone number, please?

Anything else?

Well, how much is it and how long will it be?

Anything else?

No, that's it.

But how much is my bill?

I need to go to the ATM.

Anything else?

He knows what I said.

Well, he was right.

That's a nice warm-up.

Good deal.

All right, cool.

We'll call him back in a little bit and ask him where my bond chart is.

You have my bond chart?

Because I don't have it yet.

I don't know.

All right.

Crazy fucker says he wishes Bush died instead of the King of Pop.

All right.

Well, you and a lot of other people.

I forgot Milkman.

Hello.

Hi.

It's called the state.

Hello.

You're listening to the show.

You're enjoying yourself.

Yes, I am.

What about that Michael?

You think Michael Jackson's going to heaven or hell?

I'm quite.

Black or white?

What are you talking about?

Which Michael Jackson?

The one that died today, the white guy.

No, the black version of Michael Jackson or the white one?

No, I'm not talking about like the Elvis stamp.

I'm asking if you think he's going to heaven or hell now that he died.

I have no idea.

Don't ask me.

How old are you?

You're like 13.

I don't have to give you that information.

Oh, we'll have to give you the information.

All right, fine.

I don't have to give you any information either.

Okay, don't.

All right, well, fine, fine.

What do you want?

What's the problem?

You're going to be fresh with me,

then don't call me to be fresh with me.

You know who I am?

Car fucking Lido.

All right, Mr. Guest, thank you for calling in.

You got secret, yo.

Wait, I'm not done.

All right, what else?

I don't know.

I just want to listen to you talk.

Well, you can do that on the computer.

Milkman, do you want to?

I am, too.

All right, whatever.

Hey, don't go anywhere.

We're going to do a prank call.

You're going to stay on the line, okay?

Alright, good, thank you.

Jesus Christ, I'm going to call Milkman and talk.

Hello? Oh, what's going on?

Who's that juvenile?

He hung up like a pussy. Like a pussy, he hung up.

I told him to stand in line, he hung up. I wanted you to talk to him.

He hung up. I'm like Richie Randall, man.

I'm like Richie Randall.

Sounds like the next kid I'm going to have to block.

No worries, it takes me like 10 seconds to block somebody.

Anyway, alright, Milkman, sorry about that.

Did you get to hear the call, or did I cut you off?

Did I not convert you in?

You never tripped me back in.

I got my partner here hurt, man.

It was just a warm-up.

It was a bhenchod call, but it was a warm-up.

It was nice, and, you know.

We've got a famous rap star in our audience here, and I'm listening.

Right.

Thank you.

I'm serious, man.

What do you want?

When do you get home?

You know what I'm saying?

I'm not going to have you on the phone all the time, the whole time now.

Hello?

Yeah.

Are you going to pay attention to me or pay attention to people at work?

What's the deal?

If you're going to be on the phone, if you're going to be on the show, then it's to pay

attention on the show.

What's more important, work or show?

Why don't you just leave out the job right now?

Come on, Milkman.

Do it.

What the hell is this?

Do it.

Yeah.

Do it.

Go on the 30-minute break and just hang out.

Go to the car and talk to us.

What are you wearing?

I'm going to hang up on you seriously if you don't stop being, you know, pay attention to me only.

I don't want you to work at all.

If you're going to call in, if you're going to work, you hang up the phone, you call back,

and you call back when you're going to have to work, all right?

Good?

No, that's messing with you.

We're going to do another prank call.

Milkman, we're going to do another prank call.

Funky zone.

Milkman, you didn't hear the last calls that we did to Funky Zone, did you?

No, you didn't include me, dude.

You little fucking shit.

You insignificant ant.

You dog.

I hold your leash, Milkman.

Ouch.

That hurt.

Don't miss it.

I've got him here if you want to.

Well, you can't hear him, though.

You can't hear him.

I'm going to play one of them real quick for everyone else.

I'm going to do a maze, man.

I'm going to do a maze and say, hey, girl.

What date was that anyway?

I might have not saved it.

Maybe I didn't.

I edited it all up, but I don't think I saved it.

It's March.

That's March.

It's April.

Oh, well, never mind.

I've seen a couple of calls we did on that show, dude.

Okay, yeah, but they were good calls.

You missed them.

We'll try to post them online later this weekend.

Milgram, did you see that I fixed up the Madhouse Radio website?

Madhouselife.com.

Everyone should go there right now and check it out.

That's awesome, man.

Look at that.

Looks a lot better.

That's beautiful, man.

Yeah, beautiful, man.

All right.

Look at those naked pictures on there, man.

Good, good, man.

Funky Zone's coming up.

Don't go anywhere, okay?

All right.

Wow, man.

Don't talk English.

You got to make a picture of her on there.

All right.

Nino.

He's in March.

All right.

Hello, Funky Zone.

Yes?

Yes, sir.

What time do you close tonight?

We close at nine.

Do you have jester rolling papers?

Rolling paper?

Can you put special order for jester rolling papers if you don't have it?

It's very good rolling paper.

It's natural.

It has no bleach fibers.

yeah i'm with you all right can you please see if you have i

don't know if you carry just your rolling papers or do you know if you could put a special order

if i paid for it yeah okay like a like a box okay okay so yes or no habibi is an asshole just like

you milkman all right back to the talk milkman to get in the process things are getting slow

here in manhouse radio i want to let you all know if you weren't paying attention to google voice

which is the service we use to make free prank calls anonymously

anywhere in the United States of America using your regular phone.

Also, you can call the U.K. and other various English-speaking countries

and other international destinations for a pretty decent price.

That's Google Voice.

Be sure to go to Google and check out Google Voice.

If you go there, if you do check that out, keep in mind

that they're getting ready to start giving invites out again.

That's the system we use.

I recommend it.

If you're a prank call fan, be on the lookout for Google Voice.

Sign up for an invite now over at the Google Voice website.

site i may i may have the ability to send invites pretty soon if that does occur i will send a mass

message out and you send me your email address and i'll get you in google voice hey how about that

after i fulfill my requirements ed mcmahon also died ed mcmahon you know uh big drinker and he

and michael jackson dies before him yeah i oh i tried to throw those in like let's try that again

this is ed mcmahon will throw it like this yeah see that one went flying away like a pelican all

All right, cool.

Google Voice Invites going out.

We already talked about that.

Oh, yeah, I also did want to mention one other thing here.

We already talked about the new website redo.

Best of year, the end of the year special, or the Madhouse fiscal year, that is,

our four-year anniversary show coming up, believe it or not, in three weeks.

So now's the time, if you want to go over to the Madhouse Live website,

madhouselive.com, go to the prank call section,

click on prank calls on the main page or wherever you're at,

And go into the forums also, if you'd like.

And just, well, yeah, probably the best thing to do is go to the forums.

Go to the Madhouse forums.

That's madhouselive.com.

Go to the forums and go to the prank call section in the forums.

And then look at the ones that are dated, you know, since, I would say since June of 2008.

Anything older than June of 2008, if you think it's worthy of it.

Post a message in there.

I'll be looking out for them.

And those are the ones that I'll include for the best of the year show countdown.

and down also the new cd got a new cd coming out in august and looking forward to that right in the

works if you haven't gotten a chance to yet we have a free prank call cd for you if you click

you get a delivery very very fast of it go over to madhouse live.com and click on the free cd

uh cover device designed by tuck and that is of course uh how's your fat ass doing that's

our first album was released almost a year ago be sure to get your free copy if you haven't yet

Dude, free prank all city.

What's wrong with that?

All right, two numbers in the U.K. coming in.

The first one is for Wilfred Jennings, and the last one is for Harold Jennings.

Wilfred and Harold Jennings.

They're located in England.

See if, I wonder if they're old.

Sounds old, right?

Those are old people names, I think.

Holy crap.

Should try to get Milkman to call back after this one.

I'm really hungry.

I haven't had dinner yet.

Play some real music here.

Connected me.

All right, make yourself useful, little boy.

We're going to call the U.K., all right, and try not to fuck things up.

You probably will.

All right?

I promise I am going to kill you.

Good for you.

Fuck you, McCartney.

Michael Jackson should have kicked his ass and raped him and made him humble.

Yes, hi, sir.

Mr. Jennings, I'm just making the rounds and calling everybody on the list.

Apparently, I don't know if you're aware, but Michael Jackson passed away.

Did you hear?

No.

No, it's horrible, I know.

He was going to be in town.

He was going to do a show and everything here in England.

I'm with the American consulate.

I'm just calling to let you know that Michael Jackson has passed away and to please remain calm.

There are some reported, you know, reports of, you know, various riots and looting

and black people having their way and stuff in the United States.

I think it stays calm over here.

I have a Michael Jackson child here, one of his children friend from the Neverland Ranch,

and he has a statement to say to you also.

I'm afraid you're, no, we're not going to sell you anything, old man.

We're just telling you to pray for Michael Jackson.

He died.

Well, are you going to pray or not?

Why not?

You think he's a devil?

You know they used to say Elvis was a devil.

Son of a bitch.

Hey, stupid, what was with the breathing?

Me?

Yeah, you.

What was with the loud breathing?

Was I supposed to be funny?

I wasn't...

When was I breathing loud?

I can play...

I have an instant, non-instant replay.

I can play it back for everyone to hear that you started breathing loud like an amateur.

You're an amateur.

All right.

No, I...

Okay.

All right.

That's good.

Okay.

All right.

We'll talk to you next week, all right, buddy?

See you.

No, don't hang up.

Okay.

Hang on.

Don't go anywhere, all right?

Don't go anywhere.

All right.

Okay.

We'll do one more.

Don't go anywhere.

Stupid.

stupid anyway all right so that was uh throw it to him and see how what he is all right he's got

one left in him he'll be right back with the next prank call tonight we're gonna call the uk again

we're gonna talk to lindsay just have him start it damn well it takes a long for you to pick up

the bizarre she hung up right as i hung up the phone she picked up right as i hung up the phone

i tried to recover and i failed after all that waiting folks she finally picked up

Fuck.

Fuck her.

Turn her back.

When did I hang up?

This bitch is going to pick up.

I just know it.

Hello?

This is Lindsay.

Yeah?

Why did you hang up on me earlier?

I was calling with a special message.

I need to confirm.

Excuse me?

4 o'clock in the fucking morning.

I need to confirm this is Lindsay Love.

I have an important message from the United States.

I don't care.

4 o'clock in the fucking morning.

You brought my fucking kids up now.

Ma'am, somebody has passed away.

I need to inform you of this.

You're not going to listen to me.

Fucking cunt.

I don't care for what your kids up.

Listen to my fucking message.

It says Michael fucking Jackson died, all right?

Psychic Chuck coming on tonight.

Is he still off on vacation or something like that?

What's the matter with him?

Let me know.

Somebody in syndicate.

She sounded very similar to the pub lady.

Psychic Chong.

Let's see if he comes on tonight.

The pub, that's right.

The British pub.

We could call that.

Couldn't we?

The Bull's Head Pub.

That's funny.

When I was on my honeymoon on my cruise, I was playing blackjack, and the dealer was

British.

And he's like, so what do you do?

And I told him, I don't know.

You know, I do it in a radio show.

Oh, really?

What's it about?

I said, prank calls.

He's like, oh, really?

I like prank calls.

And like, he's like, so where are you from?

I told him I'm from Orlando.

I'm like, what about you?

He's like, I'm from Manchester, England.

I said, that's pretty funny.

One of my best prank calls is to a pub in Manchester.

He started laughing.

He's like, really?

And I gave him the website to the show.

He probably never looked it up, but that'd be pretty funny if he did.

I ended up calling in Mr. Blackjack dealer that took my money.

It'd be pretty funny if it was the guy.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

We're calling someone else in England.

Shut up.

That was me and my wife, our derp, derp, derp, derp.

I'm going to take a break again and get some meat.

As a matter of fact, let's call Athena and see if the meat's ready.

Hey, Tess, what's going on?

Not much.

What's going on?

You're live on the air.

I had a question for you.

All right.

Is that meat ready yet or not?

Probably not.

How long do you think it's got left?

About half an hour.

Really?

So I've got to wait another half hour to take a break.

All right.

Well, I'm just calling to check in, just checking on my meat, my dinner, because someone

didn't cook my dinner on time again.

All right?

All right.

Okay.

Bye.

Thank you.

you love you bye 30 minutes my ass see what time it is guys 11 30 i'm gonna have dinner at 11 30

at night i guess it didn't have to work today not me i worked just saying just saying maybe

kitty k was right never never get married that's him laughing at me all righty next prank call

call me uk again let's see if we get someone to pick up this time this is in there also

Fucking ass

We'll take a break

But that would mean

I would have to have a sandwich

Instead of my regular dinner

Motherfucker

Week show tonight everybody

We're still having a good time

It's alright

Do the best we can

Madhouse Radio

If you want to call in

You can

The toll free line is open

It's 1-888-278-8509

Again

That's 1-888-278-8509

Crazy fucker reporting

He likes his white boys

Alright cool

Michael Jackson

I'm sure you do

you like your white boys big was of the big fat ass pig ass outlaw who apparently thinks i do a

45 minute intro and an hour of bad pranks thank you big outlaw for um you know being a team player

here and that's why i will never promote you again yeah and i met big outlaw when i was up north um

he came up for that bachelor party thing and i'll tell you what i had words of him right in his face

that's why he doesn't like me right now but i know something private about him i'm not gonna

to share i'm not that kind of person i'm not the kind of person that shares people's private

information private property information private person well call number five of the night we'll

have the ability to find exactly what i know about pig outlaw man how's ready on the air go ahead

please hey buddy hey what's up big man how you doing annie sorry i didn't mean to call you big

man yeah yeah how you been man good good i you're back in florida everybody's very happy yes i made

Made it alive by getting a lot of weight on that cruise, man.

Yeah, you look really fat.

Yeah, I do, right?

Like five or six pounds.

You look very ethnic and fat.

All right, so was that real what you told me about that trade today?

Rafer Austin, Courtney Lee, and Tony Battee?

Yeah, that's why I'm still awake.

I'm so excited.

So Vince Carter, but who's Ryan Anderson?

Is he a white guy?

He's a young guy.

Come out there.

Okay, all right, but we got Vince Carter.

So Vince Carter's coming back to town.

He's from Daytona.

Yeah.

Yeah, he had family in the city we grew up in.

Get back.

Did he?

Yeah, he did.

Get back.

I heard that, too.

Right, yeah, exactly.

So, yeah, so you're looking forward.

I mean, you think it's a good trade.

We're losing Courtney Lee.

I kind of like him.

He's pretty good.

Yeah, he's a...

Is Vince Carter playing?

I mean, he's been...

And Ido's going to lead.

How long has Vince Carter been in the league for about 10 years now, I think?

Many years.

Yeah, many, many years.

He's still got it?

I think he's still got it.

Well, we need a good veteran, I think.

I think that's one of the reasons why we didn't maybe do as well as we could have in the finals.

We didn't have any veteran players.

I'm looking at you with your jersey on.

Why don't you go ahead and play?

Yeah, well, no, I'm not a veteran.

I have no experience.

You're the one that says, you know, if you're going to wear a jersey, you have to be able to play.

Is that the kind of thing?

Yeah, I think you shouldn't wear a jersey if you're like me.

You should just have the jersey on so your family can hang out at the side.

No, no, I'm not going to show that to people.

You can air yourself out.

Yeah, I did take my shirt off the entire honeymoon.

and every time I went to the beach or the pool, I didn't actually go shirtless.

Well, you did or you didn't?

I did.

I did, actually.

That's a first for me.

It took a lot of heart.

You're growing up.

Yeah, I'm growing up.

Well, in Puerto Rico, it's pretty much, you know,

it's cool to be a fat guy walking around without a shirt on, apparently.

I saw it a lot.

So it wasn't a big deal.

They're wondering, like, you're not hairy enough to be there.

Yeah.

So you had a good time at the wedding, I see.

Yeah.

And it sucked.

I wanted to get drunk with you that last half hour while there was still an open bar,

but I got dragged

yeah I was

I was trying to

I grabbed like

three beers

alright let's hang out

we talked for a while

and then I got dragged

every other way

but it was good to see

you have a good time

Atlantic City was quite

the interesting trip

wasn't it

yeah you were saying

yeah it kind of sucked

I was hoping it would be

a lot more like

slimy and sleazy

than it was

it was too clean

and new

and I was disappointed there

I told Athena

about that chubby kid

that we told

get that one girl's

number

the fucking

rascal

yeah right

we were eating hot dogs

on the side of the road

and he comes back

Hey that's my friend

That was your

Bad report

You were eating

Hot dogs

Entertaining the

Hot dog guy

He loved us

Oh yeah he did

He was hilarious

He walked by

Way to go buddy

You do that

He was like

I got her number

No you didn't

He was like

Oh no

Back in with a

Good guy though

Spanky

I forgot to tell

Everybody that I made

Andy drive around

For two hours

Because my phone

Stopped working

My phone does that

Thing man

I was thinking

The whole time

I was like

I can't pull one

Of those again

sure, when he calls me, I'm going to be here, I'm not going to fuck around, and, you know,

I was telling Athena this, and then, like, an hour goes by, and we're like, yeah, I guess

there was bad traffic because of Memorial Day coming from Philly, like, okay, no, that

wasn't the case at all, it wasn't the case at all, so finally, my constant phone calls

went unanswered, yeah, well, it's funny, I got a good, I took a long tour of the Harrisburg

ghetto, oh, man, yeah, Athena tells me one point, why don't you call, I know we're not

to buy property, yeah, she was telling me, why don't you call Andy, see where he's at,

make sure he's okay, I'm like, no, I'm not going to be like his mom, like, calling him

oh are you okay

you know

then I go check on him

and then I finally like

decided to

you know just to call

and he like

he took it so well

but basically

what was going on

was Andy was trying to

call my phone

and my phone wouldn't ring

it was fucked up

I had to restart the phone

you're an asshole

yeah

and then when I finally

got around to doing it

yeah

but hey

but you weren't that far away

actually

but yeah

no

I was everywhere

in that city

at one time or another

I drove on every street

you know for that five hours

I was driving around

I met some real nice people at the Burger King.

Oh, that's cool.

And then I drove through the frightening Harrisburg Ghetto.

You wouldn't expect that.

Yeah, right?

But that's what I heard.

I think it was telling me it's kind of dicey.

That's where the 7-Elevens are, she told me.

Wherever the 7-Elevens are in Harrisburg, she said, it's not pretty good.

It's a bad part of town.

Yeah, you stay away from the 7-Elevens and the Martin Luther King.

How about that Turkey Hill Iced Tea?

Did you like it?

The Turkey Hill Iced Tea?

I told you to try it, right?

Did you get a chance to try some of that?

Yeah, that one gas station that told you had the best iced tea in the fucking world.

Oh, iced tea.

Iced tea, iced tea.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, the diet ones are phenomenal.

We've still got some in the fridge here.

We actually brought a whole, like, a few gallons with us.

Yeah.

Yeah, man, well, you missed a hell of a honeymoon.

And it's a good thing we opened it, I'm sure.

Hey, did you not grow up yet?

How'd that go?

No, working on it.

No, God, no.

I've got to take it.

I need at least two years.

No, man.

No, no, because you've got to enjoy the married life and enjoy not having kids for a while,

you know, because...

You're going to get a full Nielsen on you.

Remember my buddy Nielsen who put gold in his condoms?

Yeah, because our friend Mike said, he was like, didn't he ask him, you know,

I don't want this girl to leave me, what do I do, how do I keep her?

And he said, get her pregnant.

Oh, Jehovah's.

Yeah, they're Jehovah's.

Yeah.

Can't tell you any way that Alder's.

Yeah, it did.

Yeah, I remember I saw him, like, right when she was, like, nine months away.

She was, like, nine months in.

I started at Walmart.

I was like, oh, my God, Eric.

I didn't say that to him.

I was like, oh, my God, I can't believe, like, Mike really did this to him.

And he actually took that advice.

That's horrible advice.

You ever hear from him again?

Like, whatever happened to that guy?

Eric, I talked to him like a year ago.

Right.

Did he get my number?

I was like, no.

No.

That's how I'm doing.

Well, yeah, well, it sucks about the manager,

but I am kind of excited about Vince Carter coming into town.

It was a good year.

I don't feel bad like in, you know, 14 years ago when it happened.

That time was just a travesty.

We should have won that.

This time, you know.

Remember, we had a suicide pact together.

Yeah, we did.

What's that?

I put you in the dryer.

I put you in the dryer and turned you on.

And a good best man speech.

You got compliments on that one, right?

Yeah, do you have that on tape or anything?

No, no.

Somebody had that on tape, right?

Somebody.

I don't know.

We'll see.

Yeah, it was good, though.

You did pretty well.

Yeah.

I should have given my joke.

It got a little funny when you said, yeah, you know, me and Carlito met, you know, blah, blah, blah.

And, you know, back then we were, you know, basically, what was it?

No, no.

You said that at some point you're like, you know, you said that we both went to school together,

but I was still in school, and you were, you know, you had a job in construction or something like that 10 years later.

or something

you know

he said something

like that

right

I heard a couple

gasps

like oh my god

you told him

that when we first

met we were

into prank calls

and being jerks

for the most part

we're still jerks

and Carlos is still

into prank calls

so that was pretty

like it

awesome

good deal

it all came

alright I'm gonna

hang up

alright man

yeah

everybody in the

madhouse

yeah

crazy fuckers

alright man

see ya man

bye

cap in the background

poor cap

what no one gives a shit

about me

no no no one knows

you talk you're old

you're like the new

You knew money when it comes to Puerto Ricans, when it comes to Madhouse.

You're the pre-Andy era.

So, Psychic Chuck, Psychic Chuck, I see you in the chat room.

How you doing?

I'm in a color era when it sucks.

Psychic Chuck, report what time you need me to go off the air, please, and I'll make it so.

I'm in a second color era.

Sometime around after 1130 so I can get my meat.

That's right, Psychic Chuck, I got meat in the oven.

It's being broiled right now as we speak.

I know you want it.

No soy sauce in that meat tonight, buddy.

Crazy fucker, you're on the air?

Hey, Carlito.

Hey, brother.

How you doing, man?

Great, bro.

Good.

Considering that the King of Pop died today, did you hear about that shit?

You don't say.

King of Pop.

The King of Pop.

Yeah, I thought Michael Jackson, you know.

The Soda Bear.

He was a rock and roll artist, but everybody that I've been talking to says, no, he was

the King of Pop.

Yeah, but he was a rock and roll.

Yeah, he was more, I guess he was kind of both.

He came around the time that, didn't he come around the time that pop really started?

That type of pop that we talk about now?

He would be the king of pop, you know.

Fuck you, man.

I consider that guy a fucking king of rock and roll, dude.

You do?

Okay.

You know, I got to say, man, shit, dude,

if I had one-tenth of the moves that that dude had,

if I had one-tenth of the singing ability and performing ability

and just plain old fucking putting on a show, man,

man, I wouldn't be a fucking, uh, fucking sitting here, fucking, uh, like a fucking,

fucking, uh, that guy is a great fucking man.

Hey, man, I've been listening to Alex Jones.

Andy, you know, you just heard him on the air.

He said hi to you, by the way.

Hey.

On the way to our bachelor party, we'll listen to an Alex Jones podcast episode.

It's pretty interesting, and I've heard a few episodes since then.

Hey, bro, I understood that Alex was going to join up with the Sirius Network.

Oh, really?

I heard right through you.

I guess he's on XM, I guess he's on XM Radio.

Well, I guess he is, that's right, he does say he's on XM Radio, so they are, in theory.

Good point, good point, crazy fucker.

Good for you, you get a gold star.

Hey, man, I really do, man, I really say this, man, that it's like...

What's your favorite Michael Jackson song?

Man in the Mirror.

Oh, you like that one, huh?

Oh, I love that fucking song, man.

One night, man, one night I took a hit of acid years ago, right?

Okay.

And I, like, drank a bunch of fucking beer and smoked a bunch of pot.

And I was partying with fucking fair-weather friends.

And all of a sudden I found myself all alone, man.

And that song came on the fucking radio just when I was about ready to commit suicide, man.

Oh, my God. Are you kidding?

So Michael Jackson saved you? No wonder you love him so much.

Well, actually, actually, I wasn't going to get ready to commit suicide.

I was going to get ready to kill some fucking people.

Oh, well, that made you think about the man in the mirror.

But isn't it the same thing?

If I kill somebody, isn't it the same as killing myself?

In the eyes of God, it is.

You might as well kill God at the same time.

But we grew up trying to kill our kids.

I don't know about God, you know.

I know there's a great spirit out there

that gives life to every living thing on the fucking planet.

Crazy fucker.

You ever see that Farrah Fawcett poster

that had her with the nipples out in the red?

Oh, shit, dude.

Dude, dude, dude, dude.

Dude, I was much younger when that came out, dude.

Right.

You hit it.

Did you whoop off to it?

I know you did.

Be honest.

Well, actually, back then, when that poster came out, I had a girlfriend who looked about

fucking twice as good as she looked.

Oh, come on now.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Crazy fucker.

Now, you know.

Yeah, really, dude.

You know, one week out of every month is whoop-off week.

You know that, right?

Come on now.

You know you did.

Whoop-off week? I don't know what whoop-off week is.

Whoop-off week. One week out of every month is whoop-off week.

You know, the painters are in town, you've got to take care of business yourself.

You just put on some Michael Jackson and you go for it.

No, no, dude, dude. I'm saying when that poster was finished, that used to...

That's good. What kind of work did you do back then that you were so tired?

Were you in a mine?

No, no, man. I was like, uh, I was fucking, uh...

I was pretty much doing the same shit I'm doing right now,

which is a whole lot of nothing except, uh, momentum.

Big ass, man.

And, uh, yeah, you know, back then, you know.

Just like now, man, I could still have, you know what?

I could still have the same fucking chick.

Still have the same chick.

And got a cock.

Just like Michael Jackson.

So, you ever have sex to any Michael Jackson songs?

Actually, I wish that I could have got hooked up with Michael Jackson.

I would have let that man, uh, fuck me in my butt.

I would have let him.

I could totally dig that, dude.

Yeah, and we all feel like that.

A lot of people are coming, you know.

Hey, didn't that fucking guy, what's his name?

Robin Williams.

He's that little fucking dude.

Robin Williams.

Robin Williams fucked him in the ass.

No, Collie, what's his name?

Macaulay Culkin.

Macaulay Culkin?

Yeah.

Shit, man, look where he's at.

That guy's got a million dollars.

And he's rich.

Right?

And he fucked his way to stardom.

You know he did it.

You know it.

He's a fucking whore.

All right, crazy fucker, I'm going to let you go.

Thank you for calling in, brother.

Hey, where are you going?

Where are you going?

I've got one more thing to say.

Love, peace, and joy.

Go ahead.

I got one more thing to say, okay?

Are you there?

Yeah, go ahead.

Hurry up.

I was just kidding you, Batman.

I wouldn't let...

All right, good deal.

He's kidding.

All right, everybody, we're going to do the next call of the night.

I have no idea what it is.

This one goes out to Crazy Fucker.

Well, that was a lightning round.

Solid, man.

That was a solid performance by Crazy Fucker.

Michael A. Jackson hated Jews, you know.

He hated Jews very much.

He hated Jews.

He said, Jews, Jews.

Didn't he do a song once where he said, like, Jew me, kike me, and they made him take it out?

Let's see where he's coming from.

I don't think it's right, but I understand.

Oh, Psychic Chick wants to go out at midnight.

I mean, kiss my ass, fucker.

Maybe go out if I say you can.

Oh, am I on?

Yeah.

Hey, is this Jane?

Or is this Mr. Wilkins at all?

The Wilkins residence?

Stupid.

I can't just answer a fucking simple question.

I'm going to move for a cheeseburger like right now.

Like nobody's business.

Hello.

Hello, asshole.

It's that kid again.

Okay, well, seeing as things are going nowhere fast,

I say we go ahead and take that break I was talking about,

and I'm going to have some rare meat.

Excuse me.

Athena thinks she doesn't know how to cook anyway.

How does she know if it's going to be ready or not?

When we come back, a lot more numbers to get to.

We'll be taking your calls at 1-888-278-8509.

Please be sure to visit our website, manhouselive.com.

Manhouselive.com has a lot of free prank calls.

Oops.

Manhouselive.com has a lot of free prank calls you can check out, et cetera, et cetera.

Full call.

Breaking news.

Breaking news, everybody, on the red line.

Madhouse Radio, go ahead.

I just wanted to let you know your dinner's ready.

Oh, yes, I'm about to take a break.

That's awesome news.

All righty.

All right, thank you.

No problem.

It's in the oven.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Oh, my God.

Stop everything.

It's time for food.

Yay!

I'll be back, like, in 20 minutes, if you're lucky.

If I don't get the itis and fall asleep.

The itis.

When we get back, we got more numbers to do.

As a saint with a madhouse, I have to come and do some shit on you.

Big what's up to everyone in the chat room right now.

Lonesome loser in the house.

Maven, MST3, Clay, new, new.

Testio was there.

Busy Cat.

See, Andy was there for a while.

Sorry, I didn't get to give you that shout out.

What do you call the name of the week?

The white kid, Chris Ellibert, is there.

Jake.

I haven't seen Jake in a while.

What's up, man?

Coconin, et cetera, et cetera.

I think I already said that.

Also, don't forget everybody, our good friends over at SyndicateRadio.tv.

We're Psychic Chuck.

We'll be starting in approximately 33 minutes, 9 p.m. Pacific Standard Time,

midnight on the East Coast.

Psychic Chuck, the Asian sensation.

Now, what does the Psychic Chuck show do?

Is he something about cleaning guitars?

No.

He cleans his guitars and he cleans his guns.

I have one here.

It's awesome.

I understand it.

John Rick is in the house.

Tall glass of water with the nice sexy legs.

Corrupt Corruption.

Lara S. Pissjug, Sherryann1986, PsychicChuck, some jerk off in there, CrazyFuckersInTheHouse,

Cynic6, we already said hi to her, DisturbedD, DoubleDInTheHouse, and FairyDustPink, who we mentioned before also.

And the number eight, you know what I might do?

I have an awesome, awesome Michael Jackson impression that I've perfected over the years.

And I think I might do it when we come back.

I mean, don't put a lot of pressure on me.

I'm kind of nervous when it comes to stuff like that.

I don't want you guys laughing at me because I didn't.

But that's coming up.

I hope you enjoy that.

Anyway, we'll be back in about five or ten, well, no, we're going to be back in about five or six minutes, to be honest with you.

We're probably going to go on until about 12, 31 o'clock.

And other than that, nothing else to talk about.

Don't go anywhere.

Thank you.

11, 29 p.m. Eastern Standard Time right now.

That site's down.

Oh, we've got to talk about Jen Stewart also when we get back.

Jen Stewart when we come back.

Yay.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

Let's go. Guy tried to break in my truck.

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Yes, he's a long-legged, tough-ass Puerto Rican.

Madhouse Radio will be back right after this.

Can I speak with Pasquale, please?

Yes, I'm speaking.

Hey, Pasquale, how you doing, you asshole?

I'm good.

I've got a problem with you.

What's the problem?

Well, it seems to me you came down here, used our toilet, you didn't flush it, and now it's messed up.

What toilet? I've never used it. I don't know what you're talking about.

You used my toilet here the other day, you son of a bitch.

You retard.

My toilet.

You know what?

Describe it to me.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I've been in the house.

I haven't been out.

Well, it was last week.

No, I don't use anybody's toilet, bro.

I got a good mind to go down there, Pasquale, and punch you in the chest.

For what?

I don't remember.

I swear on my mother.

I don't know who, what house or who you're talking about.

Well, look, your mother's here right now with me having sex with me,

And she's not very happy

My mother's dead

So how are you going to swear on somebody who's dead

Are you a goddamn heathen now

Are you a Muslim

No I don't know what you're talking about really

You don't have to talk to me like that

Because I'm a human being

If I did something wrong I would tell you

You're not a human being in my eyes

You're a scum worse than the earth

You listen to me

Come down here

You bring yourself a plunger

And you fix this horrible mess you made

I don't remember I didn't do anything

thing. I'm going to rip all your leg hairs out and the hair off your ass. You come over,

I'm going to call the sheriff because I don't know what you're talking about. I'm going

to call the sheriff. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a big vagina. I got a big

vagina. I'm Pasquale. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't remember. I don't use

anybody's toilet, man. Well, you owe me $5 for breaking the toilet. Breaking the toilet?

What toilet? Tell me who this is. The white toilet. I told you already. My name is Bo

Bo Steen.

Don't know you.

Because you're going to come down here and fix it.

You're going to get to know me really well.

I ain't fixing nothing because I didn't break nothing.

I don't use anybody's toilet.

Well, you came down the street.

You live right next door.

You came down.

You used the toilet.

You took a big shit.

I took a big shit?

Yes.

Man, it wasn't me, pal.

It was not me.

You got the wrong guy.

Well, either you come down here and fix it,

or I'm going to go down there and make you drink the toilet water out of your toilet

after I take a big shit.

See if you like it.

Pal, I don't know what you're talking about.

about. Now you're getting, I don't know what you're talking about. How big is your nose?

Hey man, I'm going to call the sheriff. I'm not afraid of you or your mother. Well, how

big is... I don't know what, hey look, if I did something, I would tell you. Well, you're

a sinner. I didn't use nobody's toilet. You're a sinner. I'm a what? You're a sinner. What's

that? You're a sinner. You sin against God. Uh-huh. How dare you come here to this church

and take a shit in the toilet? What church? I never, I haven't been in a church. Well,

Well, the pastor said he saw you.

He's got the wrong guy.

You bring the pastor here.

I haven't been to any church.

Oh, now you're going to hurt the pastor.

Bring him here.

Let him identify me.

You just threatened a man of the clock.

I didn't threaten nobody.

You better confess your sins right now to the pastor or you're going to hell.

Sir?

Enter your destination number.

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

The world's leading force.

98.6.

The mouth.

Yes, hello.

Hello, this is Ralph Littlejohn, and I'm applying in response to your ad that was under retail in this Orlando Sentinel from yesterday.

I have experience with ad placement.

Okay, you're talking to an ad that was at the Orlando Sentinel place?

Right, you folks put an ad here that says new ad placement.

I'm an ad placement, I have experience with ad placement in the newspaper, so I wanted to apply for this job.

Okay, read the whole thing to me.

New ad placement.

For your convenience, Orlando Sentinel Classified is available for a new ad placement,

24 hours a day position, 7 days a week available, 365 days a year options.

Call 800.

It has your number.

So I wanted to apply because I have retail experience and ad placement experience.

Okay, sir.

That is not a job.

But it's in the job offers.

It says here job offers.

I realize that, sir, but it's not a position that we have available.

It's in the career builder.

I mean, I understand that, sir, if you would please let me finish my statement.

Why are you discriminating against me because I'm applying for a job?

Sir, I am not discriminating against you.

I'm trying to explain to you why that ad is there.

Because it's an open position.

No, it is not.

What I'm trying to explain to you is that is what we in the business call a house ad.

That is directed to the employer.

Yeah, okay, so this is the employer I'm calling.

Orlando Sentinel is not for the employer.

Employment, yeah, okay.

We do not have any positions available in the retail section.

What is your fax number there so I can send my fax or an e-mail address?

I can, if you will, you can find out what positions the Orlando Sentinel has available

by going to our website, orlandosentinel.com.

Yeah, you can transfer me now.

Can you transfer me there, please?

Can you transfer me there now, please?

No, sir, I cannot.

You can't transfer me to get the jobs.

This is not fair.

I think it's because you know that you have the same job, that you're intimidated.

Sir, I am not intimidated.

I am a customer service rep.

And that's why I'm trying to get a job in customer service ad placement.

Okay, sir.

We do not, what I'm trying to explain to you is we do not have positions available.

This is horrible.

It says here you have a position, new ad placement retail, sales, new ad placement retail.

And then all of a sudden, oh, I don't have a position because you sound like you're going to make me look bad.

Well, I am not an HR person, sir.

I am not an HR person.

Well, I asked you to transfer me, and you're refusing.

You're blocking me here.

You're interfering.

You're running interference.

No, I am not interfering with you, sir.

What is your ID number?

I don't have an ID number.

Well, I'm going to report you.

I'm going to report you to the career builder.

I don't work in career builder, sir.

Transfer me now.

I command you to transfer me.

Sir, you can command me all you want to.

I cannot transfer you to Career Builders because we are not part of Career Builders.

Okay, here's my, I'm going to ask you one question.

Let me finish, please.

I can't, I can't.

I have a problem with letting people finish stuff.

Can I just do mine first and then I'll let you do yours because I don't want to forget.

It's a good point.

Please?

All right.

Okay, good deal.

Thank you so much for being understanding and professional.

Answer me yes or no.

Is there a button on your telephone machine that says transfer?

Yes.

Push that button, and then put the extension in for CareerBuilder, and then press transfer.

Now, but you can finish what you need to say first.

I do not have a position.

I do not have a phone number for CareerBuilder.

Well, who handles human?

If you had to call your human resource director to see if your medical benefits were okay,

you can transfer that number, right?

No, sir, I cannot, because our benefits are handled out of our office in Chicago.

Oh, the Tribune Company?

Yes.

Oh, that crap. Those Republicans.

Please, maybe this is best that I don't get a job of you.

Are you a Republican? Is that why that's what it is?

Because I'm a Democrat, maybe you're thinking, oh, we can't have this liberal here.

I understand. It's okay.

I think to do with it.

It's called blackballing.

I can tell you how to find positions that are available with the Orlando Sentinel.

I just want you to know that Martin Luther King didn't sacrifice himself for this.

That has nothing to do with what you want.

Well, you're bastardizing the whole movement of free people.

No, I am not.

Shame on you.

I am trying to tell you how to locate positions that are available with the Orlando Sentinel.

Do you have sticky pads there?

I want you to write down shame and stick it on your computer monitor

and leave it there for a week until you...

I'm going to have to hang up with you now.

Shame.

Because you are insulting me.

Shame on you.

I'm shaming you.

And I will not continue to listen to it.

I'm holding my finger to the phone and I'm wiping it with the other finger.

Shame.

You hear it?

Shame, shame, shame.

Shame on you.

To place a call, press 1 to listen to your...

That was fun.

Poor lady on a Monday morning getting a call from some wackanut.

Yeah, I hope you guys enjoyed that.

I'm sure we made her weak.

And toll free at 1-888-278-8509.

You know what, I hope that when you die, they put your GPS in your box and a trap door at the bottom.

So when you die, you open that trap door at the bottom, you check the GPS, and you go straight down to the hell.

Madhouse Radio is back.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Ever.

Make you who you are.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to say that, fuckers.

That's Milkman talking.

That's what he would say.

I don't like that.

I don't like...

Ooh, look.

Switch it.

Switching my camera.

Give you a seizure, motherfucker.

Enjoy your seizures, suckers.

Can you imagine Crazy Fucker had smoked a lot of pot, drank a lot of beer or whatever,

and did a hit of acid and was standing in a room

getting ready to kill some people in the room next to his.

And he heard the song Man in the Mirror come on the radio

and he decided not to kill them.

Do you think he started dancing in the mirror like Buffalo Bill?

I think he did.

That's how I picture it.

Suck the bitch.

Crazy fucker, you.

All right, folks.

We'll do some more prank calls and call it a night.

Nino asking, what meat is it?

I don't know.

A red meat.

Red meat.

I don't know.

It's red.

If it's red, I like it.

If it's white meat, I don't want it.

I like dark meats and red meats.

Everyone in the Madhouse chatroom, let me know what you think of the new setup.

If you're in the Madhouse live site, using the chat application there.

Let me know what you think.

How's it look?

Do you like?

Let me know.

Oh, my impression of Michael Jackson.

We'll get to that later.

We'll have to be off the air in syndicate because it might get a little...

They'll make fun of me.

It's an awesome impersonation of Michael Jackson.

It's probably the best one you've ever seen.

And it's amazing.

You don't think I'd be able to do a good Michael Jackson impersonation,

but this one is like perfect.

It's spot on.

Okay.

All right, numbers from Lonesome Lure.

We got a bunch that we never got to from the beginning.

We got Tito's Hauling Service, where a gay guy answered.

Capone's Pub and Grill, Wacko's Soaplant Store, okay.

Fabulous Cab, Pablo's Pub, Pablo's Pizza, Javier's Gourmet Mexicano,

the General Warren Inn, Bob's Steak and Chop House, Fat Daddy's Burger House,

Joe's Coffee Shop, Quick Thai Bistro, and Viva Micho Khan,

where a Latina woman answered at 10 p.m. over almost two hours ago.

I don't know if that's going to work.

Cool.

We're going to call the Indian Place Restaurant and Bar.

They're in Dallas, Texas.

Stand by.

This is the Indian Place?

No, you got the wrong number.

Can I place an order for Indian food, please?

You have the wrong number.

No, what does it say on my caller ID that I got called from the Indian Place at this number

and you sound Indian to me?

Huh?

I told you you got the wrong number.

Are you Indian or not?

None of your business, man.

No, you're Indian.

Take my order, bastard.

Bhenchod.

Fuck you, man.

Bhenchod, take my order now.

Fuck you.

I'm calling back.

See who's going to fuck who.

I'm not going to fuck me.

I called in earlier and someone hung up on me and refused to take my order.

Who is this?

What do you mean?

What are you talking about?

I'm calling to make my order.

I placed an order and it never got delivered to me and I'm calling to follow up.

Don't you tell me that you're not the Indian place.

You have the wrong number.

I told you.

Is this a stupid Indian?

Tell me now.

Where's my food?

Don't ever call this number.

If you have my number, call me back.

I doubt it.

You're fucking lying.

I thought you were a fucking liar.

Fucking shit bastard.

Vagina.

Hello?

Fucking call.

All right, I'll never call again.

Good idea.

Comedian Carlos, please leave the message, and I will call you back.

Thanks.

Break of the Carlos.

Patone, please record your message.

When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options.

Yes, hi.

I wanted to cancel my order from before.

I know that I spoke to you earlier, and you said you were about to close,

and I gave you the order of my credit card.

Could you please call me back and let me know you canceled the authorization because that was on my company card.

I'd appreciate it if you'd give me a call back.

Four, this is Valente.

I called right before closing, I think you said, to make an order, and I would like to cancel it, please.

Thank you.

I'm going to call back.

I'm going to be all confused and talk to him.

Are you going to touch your number?

I touch your number.

Okay.

We're going to call the Mexican place here.

It's in the 702 area code.

We also got a submission for a payphone from the white boy.

Uh, well, a little white kid.

Keep in mind that ZolaVision is not on tomorrow.

He's on vacation.

The sidekick check will be on next.

In about five to seven minutes or so.

I'm sure he's got a...

Cleaning his guitar.

I'm sure he's got a big fucking deal to do.

Big fucking, big man with a big fucking, big fucking deal.

Salt Lake City Airport payphone, you asshole.

We'll do it.

And Ganuchalak is going to put on his guitar.

They're not going to miss it.

We're going to get a good point.

Keep your mother off the street and he will not be a motherfucker.

Yeah, hi.

I'm good. I wanted to cancel that order I placed in earlier today for the Papa Dom's.

At the airport.

Yeah, exactly. I'm calling to cancel the order there.

Can you transfer me?

Yeah, go ahead and transfer me over to the, I think it's the Sanjay and 43, please.

I need you to hit transfer and then 43.

I'm kidding.

I should have had a better idea.

I don't like prank call airports, man.

That's where bad stuff happens, like terrorists.

You make me take your shoes off there when you go talk.

You don't want to fuck with those people.

Jesus.

Returning to main menu.

You have no new messages.

To place a call, press 2.

For Scoog, please enter the phone number you would like to dial, followed by the pound...

Buddy from India Palace, please leave the message and we'll call you back. Thanks.

Wait, it is India Palace. What a fucking liar, that guy.

At the tone, please record your message.

When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options.

Yes, hi. I was calling again.

I needed to get the confirmation that you cancelled my credit card transaction, please.

Please call me back as soon as you can.

407-459-4534

Thank you

And I'll keep calling

Until they pick up

What's your call

If you never

Next week

Okay

New numbers from the UK

From Lonesome Loser

Thank you man

But we're gonna do

An international airport

We're gonna call

The international airport

Here in town

The Orlando international airport

I was just there last week

My favorite airport

I thought they were gonna answer

They don't really get

Any flights this late

At OIA

Airport code MCO

For McCoy Air Force Base

Which it used to be

Yeah today

Fuck

Fuck.

That's what we're still having.

If you'd like to call in, you can.

The toll-free line is still open.

That's 1-888-278-8509.

Again, toll-free anywhere in the United States and Canada.

1-888-278-8509.

Chris, I was fucking around.

You can come back here.

And Miss T3 Clay saying, hey, now, don't get confused.

The original white boy.

That's right.

You're the original white boy, Miss T3 Clay.

Good point.

Thank you.

Who got kicked?

You kicked him.

That's funny.

I was fucking around.

That's funny.

Oh, my crazy ass.

Evil Clown Whiff Horns is in the chat room.

That's kind of scary.

Good thing he's gone.

That was Yucco in the house.

And Nick Serve telling me that my password was approved.

All right, good deal.

Okay.

I want to also make a note here, Nunu.

In your face, the United States beat Spain yesterday.

And football, or as it should be called, soccer,

fourth biggest sport in the United States, soccer.

So we beat Spain.

It was, like, number one ranked and awesome and powerful.

USA beat them yesterday.

very interesting

so what is

exactly

but what is

the world cup

anyway

I don't

like they have

all these

you know

this cup

and that cup

and the other cup

and they have

tournaments to

qualify for the

big tournament

I don't understand

how it works

they got a bunch

of confederations

it's just too

confusing to

follow soccer

you know

because you got

a Brazilian guy

and he plays

in Spain

and then the

other part of

the year he

plays in Brazil

and the other

part of the year

he plays in Mexico

people are talking

different languages

it's confusing

yeah

who wants to

play that

I want to play

That's American football.

Where football was invented was in America.

That's why they call it American football.

Real football, they should call it.

Funny story, when we were leaving our cruise ship,

where we were disembarking during the honeymoon.

They don't call it American football.

They call it football.

Where we were disembarking from the honeymoon,

and we were going down the gangplank,

and it had one side that said for U.S. citizens and passport holders,

and the other side said non-passport holders or something like that.

Non-citizens or something.

And I told Athena in a very loud voice, I said, they should just make it say humans and non-humans.

And there was a British family with children who were right behind us, and they heard me say it.

And I got dirty looks from the lady and the guy, the mother and father.

Because I basically said that anybody who wasn't American was not human.

And that's the kind of thing I do.

That's my MO.

I just want to show it up to these guys.

Pretty interesting.

Nina says the World Cup is the next year.

Oh, man, that's going to be in South Africa.

Boy, they're going to fuck that one up.

Good idea.

Yeah, let's have a World Cup in Africa.

Oh, boy.

Right there.

Soccer and AK-47s coming to you next year.

Get ready for it.

Wow.

That's been four years since the last one.

Nina says they have the Confederation Cup just so South Africa can practice hosting a tournament.

Okay.

Yeah, God, I think they need it.

Yeah, that's total BS.

Because with Germany, in a bunch of German towns, they had the World Cup games.

They had, like, in Bonn and Berlin and whatever, Hamburger and Wiener Streifen.

And what are those other big cities in Germany, man?

East Berlin, right?

Berlin.

They had a big game in the British sector.

Hamburg.

I don't know.

Dusseldorf.

Bavaria.

Munich.

Bavaria, dumb.

Transylvania, I think, is there, too.

What is our today's Germany?

And then before that, they did the Korea, the one that was Korea and Japan split,

and they did a bunch of cities.

And when they did it here in the United States, the best World Cup, in my opinion,

was the 1992 ones, no, 1994, because I went to two of the games.

Was it 94?

Yeah, I should have been.

I went to two of the games.

Because they played here in Orlando, and the tickets were easy to get

because no one gives a fuck.

So we ended up going.

They were giving them out to high school students.

They're like, please fill the stands.

No one in the States wants to watch this shit and we're going to look bad on international TV.

So they basically gave away tickets to the World Cup.

And I'm in front of somebody.

I was like, for real?

Like, yeah.

I said, I got two free world tickets to World Cup games.

Like, that's fucking crazy, man.

You know how much I paid for mine?

Yeah, but anyway, what I was trying to get at is now they're going to be in South Africa.

They can't play it anywhere outside of Johannesburg.

I mean, you can't go anywhere other than that for football, for soccer.

You could get shot.

It's a bad neighborhood.

Well, yeah, I guess I'm not going to go out and talk to Hansborough.

That place is a bad neighborhood.

Hello?

Yeah.

Hey.

You forgot to mention Stuttgart.

Stuttgart.

All right, cool, man.

Yeah.

So are you a German fan, an Aryan, or a soccer fan?

No, no, I'm not really a soccer fan.

Are you a white National Socialist?

No, no, I don't think so.

Okay, all right, well, good.

Well, thanks for sharing.

Yeah.

Yeah, what are the big towns out in Germany?

Were you stationed there or something, or just Wikipedia?

No, no, no, no, I just, yeah, I just followed the World Cup.

Got out of it, huh?

It's all...

The only soccer that's good is...

Yeah, it's all...

And then you watch, and it's like, they got, you know, Group A and Group B,

and I'm like, what the fuck is a group?

Why?

Well, I don't get it.

And then they combine groups...

The MLS here in the U.S., they screwed that shit up.

What was that?

The MLS in the U.S. they screwed it up?

The MLS, yeah.

For what I heard, though, they got this move in an MLS to open up new stadiums that are smaller and profitable.

Like, I think New York did it.

Chicago did it here.

We got Toyota.

How many teams are there?

Isn't MLS down to, like, four teams or something, or five or six or something?

I think they got teams in L.A., New York, Columbus.

Columbus?

New York has, like, the Red Bulls.

I know that.

I don't know.

Like, Miami, we had a team in Miami here in Florida, and we had one in Tampa Bay, the Mutiny.

They're both gone.

Yeah, yeah, they're both gone.

You'd think they'd have at least one team in Miami.

There's a lot of Hispanics there, and they're big on the soccer.

I guess not.

I mean, they've got two in L.A.

So

that's crazy.

So L.A. has two soccer teams, two basketball teams,

one baseball team, and a hockey team, but they still...

Well, I guess two baseball teams.

Yeah, okay, so two, and then one hockey team,

but they still don't have an NFL team.

Can you believe that?

The second biggest TV market in the country, and they don't have an NFL.

They went from having two to having none.

The problem is nobody will go to football.

Here in Miami, they've got the games all the time.

And Tampa gets fucking hot.

That's one reason.

But it's different days.

Yeah, they are.

I don't get that.

Yeah, but they get played.

Those are Saturday games.

They're opening a new league, too, aren't they?

I know Orlando's getting a new team from some new league that's going to be on.

On Thursdays, they're going to play the games or something.

Yeah, it's going to be a minor league, a developmental league for the NFL.

As far as here in living in Orlando, it's kind of sus

because we're never going to get a baseball team because Tampa has one.

I guess they don't suck anymore.

They used to.

Well, actually, I knew Petersburg that they might act.

They're moving to.

Yeah, you see, you know the Bucs,

before they did their little turnaround where they're a little better now,

they weren't going to get the new stadium.

Raymond James, I guess, is the one.

There was a big fight in Tampa not to approve it,

and they were saying they were going to come to Orlando playing a Citrus Bowl.

And I was like, hell yeah, fuck, that's awesome.

I don't care if the team sucks.

Let a football team come to Orlando.

It would be awesome, NFL.

But they ended up giving in the stadium to Tampa anyway.

They got the new stadium, which is a nice stadium,

but I mean, from what I understand, I've never been there myself.

It's an easy move.

We're right up the highway.

I-4 starts in, you know, it starts in Daytona Beach,

then the halfway point's Orlando, and then it ends in Tampa.

So for a team to have to move,

it's a lot more economically beneficial for them to move, you know,

close to where their old market was,

so diehards have a place to go to the game still,

and they don't have to move all their shit far away.

That's crazy, really.

I don't know about that.

I don't have to see into that.

Well, I think baseball would be the more logical sport to move to Orlando considering, you know, during the summer a lot of families are coming down there to go to, you know, Disney and Universal.

Well, there's always been talk that Disney themselves wants to bring either an NFL team or a baseball team, preferably an NFL team.

And they had this deal on the table once where they wanted to get an NFL team in Orlando.

and what they were going to do is that they would market like a family vacation for a weekend

where you would come, you know, fly in Friday, Saturday go to Disney World,

Sunday watch the game and fly out on Monday or Sunday night or something like that.

Disney does a lot of weird stuff like that, but they think ahead.

Like I know like two of their big hotels are wired for casino slot machines already.

They're already set up for slot machines should, you know, Florida ever legalize casino gambling.

I'm glad they're ready to pop them in there.

Smart guys.

But is, I mean, you live in Chicago, is it?

Yeah, outside Chicago.

You're watching the arena football?

Yeah, actually, I got into it a few years ago.

Yeah.

Because they used to have a really good deal with NBC,

where NBC would telecast all games.

Yeah, yeah.

But they got that deal cut, and now they're not playing, you know, more so.

Yeah, they used to finish their season just about now.

They would go into the playoffs and a little bit and all that.

It was a really exciting time to be a, I was a big fan of the Predators.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they were a good team.

And I think Chicago was the Fire or something?

What was it?

The Chicago Rush.

Okay.

Yeah, Mike Ditka owns them, actually.

Well, hopefully they come back next season.

I haven't heard if it's looking positive or not.

Yeah, a few teams are.

I think most of the teams are coming back.

Okay, good.

Yeah.

Cool.

All right, man.

All right, brother.

Well, hey, thanks for calling in.

Yep.

It was good chatting with you.

I don't know if we want to say your name, but our friend from Chicago, you know, spread

Spread the word, and thanks for listening, and thanks for sharing with us, man.

Thanks, man.

All right, brother, see you.

All right, that's Chicago guy.

Doing a little sports talk there, awesome.

Check it out.

Okay.

Anyway, coming up next, another prank call.

What happened?

What's going on here?

That's right, you don't believe in sports, I remembered.

You don't like them.

Mr. Bill Sandwich is coming up.

Chicago.

I heard a ring-a-ring-a-ding.

That smells like a fart there, I bet.

Smells just like this.

Is that Bill?

Hi, how you doing?

Is this Mr. Bill Sandwiches?

Yes.

Good.

You guys are in Chicago, or you don't have any Chicago affiliation, do you?

What Chicago?

You don't do Chicago-style stuff, because I'm not down with that.

Chicago-style?

Chicago-style.

You don't do any Chicago-style, because I'm not down with Chicago or anything from that nasty state.

No.

You don't do Chicago-style beans, anything, no Chicago meat?

No.

You have boar's head meat?

What do you do?

No, I don't do that.

What kind of meat?

Where's it from?

Boar's head?

I don't know.

Okay.

Is it good meat?

Yes.

Okay.

You make turkey sandwich, turkey club with bacon?

Huh?

Bacon, turkey bacon?

We don't have bacon, just turkey.

You have turkey?

Yes.

You have bacon burgers?

No.

Ham?

Could you have ham?

Yes.

Would you put ham in...

Ham and cheese.

Would you put...

Huh?

We have ham and cheese.

Okay, I want you to take the ham, put it in the microwave for about eight minutes.

It becomes crispy-like, and we'll pretend it's bacon, okay?

We don't do with the hot sandwich.

No, we have microwave there?

I have it, but we don't do hot.

No, I just want...

Listen, I just want you to take the ham and put it in there for eight minutes,

and we'll pretend it's like bacon, and then we'll...

Uh-huh.

We don't do hot ham.

Just cold ham only.

Just put it in the...

But you have a microwave.

Yeah, I have it, but I can't do it.

Why not?

You don't have a hot license?

What's this?

No, make it ham.

Do you have order?

Hot ham.

Do you want order or no?

Yes, yes.

We don't do hot, okay?

Only the cold ham only.

Please.

I'm calling back.

Can't do hot ham.

Fucking asshole.

I'll give him a hot ham.

Hot ham.

Welcome.

Hello, sir.

I wanted to call to let you know that there's been a death in the family.

Is this Ghulam Mohamed?

Yes.

Yeah, there's been a death in the family.

I don't know where you were.

Did I wake you up or are you already awake?

Hello?

Who's speaking?

Someone passed away.

I don't know if you were.

Did anybody call you already to let you know what happened last night?

No.

Oh, yeah.

Michael passed away.

Michael Jackson.

Did you see him in Egypt when he went to the concert?

All right, good.

Ghulam Mohammed is aware now.

I'm going to keep letting the U.K. know as the numbers come in.

You know anybody in the United Kingdom who needs to know that Michael Jackson died

while they were sleeping at 3 o'clock in the morning?

Let us know.

No. Send your request to Carlito at madhouselive.com.

Thank you.

It's the call of my turd.

What gets along with this shit?

I get so angry sometimes.

Automated directory assistance.

What city and state, please?

I'm trying to call assistance.

What the fuck is that about?

Let's try that again.

Bastard.

Is that allowed to make an order, please?

We are closed.

No, you said you were going to take my order.

We are closing.

No, no, no, not now.

You're still open because I just came by and you said you were still open.

Come on.

You have a lot of time?

Yeah.

I cannot pick up the phone with order.

You can come here and pick up the order.

I'm going to come.

I'm going to pick it up.

You have no phone order.

No, I'm going to pick it up.

I'm going to pick it up.

No, you come to order.

We don't order by phone this time.

No, you do.

Then why did you, you said you got ham and cheese, right?

I told you we cannot order by phone.

You come here to order.

Then why did you want to take my order before over the phone, as long as it was a cold sandwich?

I think you're crazy.

You have a lot of time.

You're a son of a bitch.

You're lying.

Come on, please put my ham in the microwave.

Okay.

Microwave the ham.

You have a lot of time.

I do.

Because I want you to microwave.

You have time, okay?

You take shower and you sleep, okay?

I take shower and I sleep?

You understand?

What?

You understand what I say?

Are you disrespecting me?

You understand what I say?

I feel sorry.

You have time, okay?

You have to take shower and you go to sleep, okay?

Don't talk so much.

I have a what?

What do I do?

Don't tell no hang-up.

What do I do?

Tell me.

What do I take?

Explain.

Hello?

Didi Mao.

Now, what did he say, Tuck?

Take a vodka sour and go to sleep?

Hello?

Yeah, sounds like a good idea.

Charlie?

Want to do that?

Take a vodka sour and go to sleep?

Yeah, I guess I will.

Spoon?

Want to spoon together?

Bastard, that guy.

What else do we got here?

Hang on.

I think we're done with maybe one or two more calls.

It's been a slow night tonight, but I really don't care.

That's what Michael Jackson would say.

Be thankful for what we got.

That's something he doesn't have.

Oh, hey.

You said something about J.D. Hughes.

This is Wolfgang Fox.

This is Wolfgang.

Yes, is Wolfgang there?

This is Valente.

There was an issue that someone passed away, and I needed a call to let you guys know.

I need to make sure I have the right location.

Is Wolfgang there?

Yes, hello.

I need to speak with Wolfgang.

I'm calling from the United States, and there's been someone that's passed away,

and I'm calling to advise you.

This is Valente.

I'm calling from the United States Consulate,

and I'm calling to advise you that someone that you know has passed away,

way, but I need to make sure that this is Wolfgang

that I'm speaking with. You are talking

to Wolfgang Fuchs. Fuchs. Okay, Mr.

Fuchs, I just want to let you know that

you have the sincere condolences from the United

States of America and the State Department,

and if there's anything we can do because of your loss,

I'd be more than happy to help you out as much as possible.

We have counselors standing by

and are willing to provide financial assistance if

you need help to get to the United States for the funeral.

Okay. Okay? I'm presuming you've already

been advised of your

family member that passed away. I would have imagined

Regenzel, who are you talking about?

Michael.

Michael Jackson passed away last night.

Were you aware of this?

Okay, well, good.

I understand if you're a little affected.

I understand I've talked to a few people today,

and when they find out, they get a little upset like you are.

First of all, tell me your feelings about this.

Well, what is this?

Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson died of a heart attack.

Yeah, no, I'm very threatened.

Did you know about this, or did you just find out from me?

No, no.

Have a good evening.

Did you know that he died?

Did you know?

Tell me the truth, please.

Bye-bye.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry we let him die.

I'm sorry.

I tried my best.

All right, good.

Returning to main menu, you have one new message.

Like I said, it's very tragic.

I understand.

A lot of people are affected.

A lot of African-Americans.

Probably we got someone to bite on that.

What would the American consulate call to let you know?

Yeah, by the way.

Thanks, David.

Good number.

That was kind of fun.

Thanks, brother.

If you got another one, let me know.

Who is that?

Your uncle or something?

Wolfgang Fuchs.

F as in fuck, baby.

Consulate, my name is Jack Valente.

I had to call them, actually advise you of someone that passed away overnight.

I need to verify first, and I speak to the right parties.

Is this Karen Morton, or do I have the wrong number?

You have the right number.

Okay, good.

I don't want to alarm you, ma'am.

I'm presuming you've already been informed.

I just want to, on behalf of the United States State Department,

I want to offer our sincere condolences over the passing away of your family member.

And if there's anything that we can do, we do have counselors standing by.

If you'd like to come over after we should be opening up around 8 o'clock,

you're more than welcome to come in.

We'll be happy to provide you with breakfast.

And should you need any financial assistance

or assistance booking a flight to the United States for the funeral,

we will be more than happy to assist you if necessary.

I don't know anybody in the United States.

No, there was someone who was visiting the United States.

Oh, you don't know about this yet?

I was told that you had already been informed about your family member that had passed away.

I don't know anybody that's come to the United States.

Well, he's not from the United States.

He's from a different place.

I'm presumed from the U.K., but they're on holiday.

Well, I apologize, but what are your feelings on the situation?

I mean, one of the most important things to do is talk when you lose a loved one like this.

I have a master's degree in psychology, and I'm a licensed physical therapist,

so if you don't feel comfortable talking,

talking i mean when was the last time that you saw michael michael jackson he died last night

he had a cardiac arrest and he died right so i'm sure you're greatly affected being from britain so

i'm calling from the united states consulate to console you for constant consolation so what's

your favorite michael jackson moment maybe we could talk about that together well

i'm sorry children are asleep it's a case of it's quite six in the morning

Well, did they wake up?

Yes.

Could you let them know that Michael, you know, he was really good into children.

Could you let them know to pray for Michael?

Like right now, could we all pray together?

No, not now.

No, ask them to pray right now because, I mean, the sooner we do it, the better.

He might end up not going to heaven.

I think he will.

No, I don't think so because he did bad things.

Can you please just pray with me right now for Michael Jackson?

I prefer not.

You're not Catholic, are you?

Did you like Michael Jackson?

Yes, I did.

What was your favorite Michael Jackson song?

I don't know.

I don't know, but there were quite a few that I liked.

Did you like his fast songs, his slow songs?

Do you remember Man in the Mirror?

Yeah.

Do you remember how it went?

Yeah.

Did you like Billie Jean?

I liked quite a lot.

Quite a lot?

Did you ever see him in concert?

I did, three times.

Yeah, I loved that.

Mm-hmm.

And I was going to see him in London, but now he died, the asshole.

Yeah.

Do you remember that one time that his hair caught on fire in the Pepsi commercial?

Wasn't that funny?

No, it wasn't.

That crazy Michael.

He's so silly.

He lit his hair in fire and accident.

He was running around.

You remember that?

So I can hold if you want to.

Can you get your children?

I'd love to talk to them.

No, because they're asleep.

Oh, are they high school age?

Or how old are they?

Teenagers?

I'm going to go.

Okay.

All right.

I'm really sorry.

All right.

You sound quite cute.

Are you in your 40s?

Or what age are you?

I just turned 30.

All right.

Interesting.

All right.

Cool.

Well, we woke up the children and let them know that Michael died.

Yay!

More numbers in the UK for my good friend.

Michael died.

Yay!

Here, good friend David just sent in a number for Ronald Dick.

All right, let's do it.

We've been waiting for this day for quite a while.

Her name was Merle, the Manchester lady who always says...

Hello, yes, hi, good afternoon.

I'm calling from the...

Hi, I'm calling from the U.S. consulate.

I was calling with notification over someone who's passed away.

Is this Ronald Dick or the residence of Ronald Dick?

This is...

I'll put you through to Ronald Dick.

Okay, good.

We have gone through to Ronald Dick, correct?

Hello, yes.

Yes.

We had some problems with the switchboard.

Sir, I want to let you know that I understand that someone special has passed away overnight.

I'm certain you got the phone call already advising you of this.

I just want to let you know that we do have counselors standing by here at the U.S. Consulate,

and we do have grief counselors also to assist you.

Should you need any financial assistance with getting to the United States for the funeral for any reason,

and we'll be assisting with grants and no expenditure to you.

Okay, thank you very much, but I don't need anything, okay?

Okay, well, did you want to discuss the special person that passed away?

I understand that.

No, thank you.

You don't care that someone special to you passed away?

Yes, but I don't want to discuss a lot.

Well, it's Michael Jackson that died, sir.

I know, sir, but thank you very much.

Isn't it horrible?

I feel bad.

Do you want to come to the United States here?

We'll fly you over here, and you can sing.

No, thank you.

Well, do you don't like Michael?

Yes, but I think it's 6 o'clock in the morning here, and I'm half awake.

Well, if you're awake, then let's just...

Do you remember that song, Man in the Mirror?

I'm sorry, but I have to go.

Why don't you look at the man in the mirror?

Why don't you look in the mirror right now and tell me what you see?

Tell me.

Sorry, I have to go.

I'm terribly sorry.

Whatever.

Beat it.

Bitch.

You're so clever.

Hey, guess what, Tuck?

You're banned.

Hey, what's up with the Jen Stewart?

Jen Stewart sent me an email saying that he was through with prank calls

and he pulled his website off completely and he cursed me out in an email for no reason.

Apparently, Jen Stewart has been trying to...

Here's what happened.

The Madhouse Live website got infected with some kind of virus.

And I told...

There were only three people who had FTP.

It was an FTP virus.

It means that someone who had FTP access on their computer got a virus on their computer

and it connected to the website and put ads on it.

So I emailed three people.

I emailed myself, I emailed Hollywood Vanya, and Gin Stewart.

Those are the three people who had FTP access to the Madhouse server.

And I said, please, I don't know if it was you.

I did a virus check.

My stuff was locked down.

So please make sure you check your computers for viruses.

And I changed the passwords.

where it says, please don't log in until one of you lets me know who had the virus or whatever.

So Jim Stewart got mad thinking I was accusing him of it.

I don't understand what his problem was.

He got upset, and he came back saying that he never wanted to,

that obviously he doesn't have viruses and this and that.

And then apparently I found out through other sources,

we'll rename unnamed, that apparently Jim Stewart,

so apparently he cut off to him, and he's disappeared off the face of England.

England. So that's what happened. I get questions all the time. What happened to

Jen Stewart? Jen Stewart did a bad thing and he got kicked off and he ran away. He

ran. I don't even know if he's alive. Testio is asking us to call the crazy black bus driver.

She doesn't want to answer our calls anymore. I know who you're talking about. I forgot

her name now, but I know who you're talking about. That's Milkman's ex-girlfriend. New

And he says, Jean Stewart is an American bastard.

That's true.

The last five months have been unbelievable.

I cannot even keep up with the shit that's flying.

I'm serious.

I'm way behind.

I try to keep up, but then I have to take a nap.

Michael Jackson?

That's all I got to say.

That really is all you have to say.

You don't even have to say anything.

You don't even have to say a joke.

Everyone has a vision in their head.

As soon as you say Michael Jackson, you see a guy, a fucking deformed fuck, running around with a goddamn monkey.

you go what the fuck he's become a punchline yes michael jackson is a punchline to any joke you

want if you forget the punchline of the joke all you got to say is michael jackson two jews walked

into a bar michael jackson why the chicken crossed the road michael jackson and so the farmer brought

his daughter to the dinner table michael jackson it works for fucking anything and it's a good

looking guy but ain't the most masculine fellow in the world that's that's michael's hook this

is sensitivity.

That's what women be saying.

Micah's just so sensitive.

And they eat that shit up.

Micah know, too.

He be using women in concert.

I seen Micah walk up to girls

on the stage,

be in the audience,

and say,

is it all right

if I come down there

and sing to you?

And the women go,

then if you don't scream,

Micah get real sensitive

and cry on your ass.

You ever hear that record,

She Died in My Life?

Micah go,

so I've learned

that love's not possession.

And I've learned

love won't win.

Love needs expression.

but I love... Tito, get me some tissue.

And just to confirm, I did

check Drudge Report, and apparently

according to them, Michael Jackson

is unfortunately still dead.

Yay!

Talk. Really, come on.

More numbers from Lonesome Loser here.

We're going to start wrapping things up here

pretty soon. Brenda Hodgson, Alan

Miles, both in England,

both needing to find out about the situation

in the United States. I've been drinking

Jesus juice in his memory right now.

That's right, I forgot about Jesus

Jesus juice.

That is right.

Good point.

Good point, sir.

Calling wine Jesus juice.

I mean, seriously, people.

Seriously.

What's the point?

Oh, my God.

And the best thing about it is the fact that, I don't know if you ever heard,

that whole story when they had the whole,

when the kid was talking about all the things they did in the plane.

Apparently, and why I like Michael Jackson,

because I know for a fact the guy I like prank calls.

You want to know how I know that?

And you can Google it if you want.

on, but if you Google it and you look right, you will find out the fact that one of the

things he did with that kid, the last one that he was accused of doing stuff with, there

was a whole thing with, he was acquitted, of course, so he didn't do it, but apparently

they were on Chris Tucker's jet, him drinking wine out of a Diet Coke can, calling it Jesus

juice with this kid, and they picked up the satellite phone on the plane and were prank

calling people, and apparently Michael Jackson was asking women if their pussy stinks.

And if you could just imagine for a moment getting a phone call from a person who sounds like Michael Jackson.

I'm not kidding.

Does your pussy stink?

Can you imagine what that sounded like?

Does your pussy stink?

Oh, I'd be like, I'd start laughing.

That would be really funny.

Can you imagine?

So, yeah, I mean, it's a damn shame, but perhaps with some time he would have discovered Madhouse Radio.

Might have been a big fan.

Might have even made an appearance with us.

And, you know, we'll never have that now.

He probably listened all the time.

I mean, we never do, you know, be listening.

He probably was a chat room member as far as we know.

We don't know.

He was probably Saigon the whole time.

And look how mean we were to him.

He could have paid for all our bills.

Yeah.

Well, he deserved it.

Okay.

Saigon was an asshole.

All right, two more calls to the U.K.

And we're out of here.

Alan Miles coming first.

Stand by.

time Michael

day and be like this what's your motherfucking problem man come you keep fucking with me then

huh what's all the motherfucking joke you don't like how tall i'm what's your motherfucking

problem you know i'm michael motherfucking jack and i will bust your ass fuck out my

mother for you i'll moonwalk all up and down your ass motherfucker you mind your motherfucking

business i hear some more shit i'm gonna put this glove up your ass i'll see you later

that's a dumb i could never i've been trying for five months to do the moonwalk and i can't

do this shit this shit is the dumbest dance ever because i can't do it that's why they

It's stupid, but how can you do the moonwalk and ask a woman to dance and shit be at a party?

Hey, baby, come on. Thanks. See you later to the moonwalk stupid shit Michael can do that shit though

Michael's so famous Michael went on television and everything

He says the public believes went on television said I don't have sex because of my religious beliefs and the public believed it

I know brothers like fuck out here and white people done that Michael's special kind of guy. He's special

I mean it's good clean and wholesome y'all believe you know I knew y'all believed it

Y'all didn't get mad when you took Brooke Shields to the Grammys.

Nobody white said shit.

And Brooke Shields is the whitest woman in America.

That's Miss America every year.

Brooke, fuck who you see with the crown.

Brooke, you look at a white woman in a dictionary,

there'll be a picture of Brooke like this.

She's white.

And this nigga took her to the Grammys.

Nobody said shit.

If I took Brooke Shields to the Grammys,

y'all lose your mind.

Because y'all know Brooke would get fucked that night.

Brooke knew, too.

That's why we going this year.

The cost of this call is two cents per minute.

Yay!

Rest in peace, Eddie Murphy.

Are you breathing on the phone?

Can you hear me?

This is Eddie.

I was calling from the U.S. consulate to advise you that we have some grief counselors standing by.

I understand you had a loss.

Someone that passed away.

And, you know, if you need any assistance financially to get to the funeral.

I also couldn't stay to pick you up in the morning.

You woke me up three times with this bloody phone.

Goodbye.

Wait a minute.

You had someone pass away.

What's that word bloody anyway?

What's that about?

That's disgusting.

Jesus fucking Christ.

You're bloody.

Well, fuck you.

You're bloody in your hand.

Fuck you in your ass, old woman.

Thank you.

Michael Jackson is freed in a motherfucker smelling like little boy's booty holes.

And I'm supposed to be excited.

Supposed to be happy because he used to be black.

I know, I know, I remember.

Fuck that.

Michael forgot he was a nigger.

He forgot he was a nigger.

That it was us supporting him.

We had that big ass, greasy ass, bell pepper ass nose.

That was us.

Didn't the motherfucker wanna get white?

We kept giving the nigga chances and shit

With that Villalago shit

You know that ain't no real goddamn shit

What nigga you know called Villalago?

It be a line as big as a motherfucker to catch Villalago

You mean I can get my credit rating up to 720 by catching this shit?

Fuck Micah, fuck him, fuck him

I don't give a fuck how good you can sing and dance

You nasty motherfucker

You can't play with little boys booty holes

And some of y'all looking at me like I can't believe

You saying that it's a setup

up fucker set up don't nobody say the same shit about you for 20 goddamn years what the fuck is

you talking about if a motherfucker you a crackhead for 20 years bitch you are smoking crack

whitney done smoked her kneecaps off and we still talking about he spent his whole life trying to

be a white woman his whole motherfucking life then as soon as the nigga get in trouble now he

want to be surrounded by muslims and shit michael you ain't no motherfucking muslim you can't even

be a muslim you got a white woman park face how you gonna be a muslim half your face is park michael

fuck michael gonna get on tv and lie to us and tell us shit don't make no fucking sense

this nigga climbing up in trees and shit talking about don't you climb trees no motherfucker we

got fields and shit yo peter pan to make some peanut butter or some shit michael telling

niggas that don't pay good money for him telling us shit it don't make no goddamn sense talking

He put his nigga dick in a white woman and came out with two babies that ain't mixed.

Who the fuck do you think you talking to, nigga?

I'm a grown motherfucking man.

You put a nigga dick in a white woman that got two blonde, blue-eyed babies?

Nigga, fuck you.

Fuck you.

One of them babies' name is Blanket.

You can't name no nigga baby Blanket.

You can't name a nigga baby nothing soft, not Blanket, Quill Comforter, none of that shit.

We know what the fuck Michael doing.

We been knowing how Michael was.

If you don't believe me, tell me when's the last time Michael was in a relationship that you believe.

Don't worry, I'll wait.

When was the last time you was like, Michael is fucking the shit out of that bitch?

Not never.

Motherfucker's showing up to press conferences.

He got Emanuel Lewis sitting on his motherfucking lap.

And we like, oh, that's cute.

Forgetting the fact that Emanuel Lewis was 26 motherfucking years old.

That's a goddamn.

He just on the balcony picking little boys out.

Just, I like him.

Michael can't fucking lie to me.

I'm a grown motherfucking man.

I love bitches.

That's my shit.

I love bitches, so if you go to my house, there's certain shit at my house that ain't for me.

It's for bitches.

I got a regular bed with regular pillows, and I got two pillows with a silk cover on it.

That's not for me.

That's in case bitches want to come over there, and they don't feel like wrapping their goddamn hair up.

They ain't got to fuck up their perm fucking with a nigga.

Because I love bitches.

That's my shit.

If you go to my house, it's Alizé at my house.

I don't drink no motherfucking Alizé, but bitches do.

And when they come over there, I want them to feel comfortable.

Now, what the fuck would Michael need in his house if he was trying to make little boys feel comfortable?

I don't know, a goddamn amusement park, some motherfucking animals, some video games, some free candy.

You notice all the kids on trial was the same.

It was all either sick or slow or used to have cancer or couldn't speak English good.

You notice there wasn't no little nigga kids on trial.

You notice that, didn't you?

You know why?

Because it's hard to fuck a nigga child.

That's why.

I can take my son to Neverland Ranch right now.

I bet you Michael can't fuck him.

My son will be sitting in the driveway like, uh-uh, Mr. Jackson.

We was going to Lil' Bow Wow's house.

And I told my daddy, I'm the boy, Damon.

You finna get it.

Y'all been all that.

I appreciate it.

Yay, Cat Williams.

I'm ending the show.

Show's over.

Executive decision show machine has ended.

Thank you.

Milkman, take us out of here.

Thank you, Milkman.

Milkman, all right.

First loser.

Dude, dude, seriously.

I want to thank Tuck for helping out tonight.

I also want to thank Kokanee for being in the chat room.

lonesome loser of course can't do without you man uh lots of good numbers there we had fun with that

uh an average show you knew also checking in today helping out as well thank you sir i want

to thank everyone who showed up in the chat room maven and the others i want to thank david in the

uk for sending numbers in the uk with funny names that was kind of fun too and uh crazy

fucker for calling in the guy from chicago for calling in and uh that one white boy the white

A little white boy called in also.

Thank you.

All right, folks.

That's it.

We're out of here.

Thank you for listening.

We'll catch you next week.

DeckerMike.com

Good night.

Fucker, fucker.

Have your pencils ready.

Number two, two, two.

Hey, that's hilarious.

Madhouse Radio is live Thursday nights at 10 p.m. Eastern.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

Fuck you!

Fuck you fucking piece of shit!

Be sure to visit us online at madhouselive.com.

Calls (23, 43 min of 2 h 10 min)

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