2009-07-02 Show

I don't want to hear about you talking to your daughter like that anymore, you understand me?

Well, I don't know who you think you are.

Well, don't you talk to your daughter like that anymore, this is understood?

I will talk to my daughter how I choose to.

Don't you dare disrespect her, that's your daughter, but you dare do it.

I will talk to my daughter how I choose to.

So what I need you to do is I need you to take the slurpee, the outlet that the slurpee machine is plugged into,

and I need you to plug the cash register into that outlet,

and then take the plug from the ATM and plug it into the outlet

that the Slurpee machine was previously plugged into, and then...

Okay, well, first of all, you said the Slurpee and the ATM announced the cash register.

I'm going to hang up now.

You are listening to House Radio Podcast.

Faggots, the light's turning red.

How y'all doing? Good evening.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Carlitos back on the air, Madhouse Radio.

Radio, 10, 17 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, July the 2nd, 2009.

It is a Thursday night.

Whatever.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you're up for it, we're going to do some prank calls and have a good time.

Psychic Chuck will not be on the air tonight.

I got the notification.

Psychic Chuck won't be on live tonight.

So it's an open road for us on Syndicate.

And, of course, there's always an open road here at MadhouseLive.com.

SyndicateRadio.tv and 98.6 The Mile.

98.6 The Mile.

What's up there listening to us on the Madhouse Radio Network?

Wherever that is that you are doing that, thank you for doing it.

Can't say anything else other than that.

I don't have to work tomorrow, so we can go up as late as we want also.

No restrictions there.

I had a coffee, a black coffee, no sugar, no milk.

No, it's the day off.

What?

It's 4th of July.

I know you're from a Confederate state that doesn't, you know, really dig the 4th of July thing.

Do you celebrate Secessionist Day?

I bet you you celebrate secession day, secession, secession, when you secessioned yourself in the United States.

All right, everybody, I don't know where Milkman is at, and he's not responding.

I'll have to give him a call later and make sure he's okay.

Meanwhile, please be sure to visit madhouselive.com.

That is our home page where you can check out our podcasts, our forums, and download our prank calls right there.

Be sure to check that out, and also send your prank call requests.

We've got quite a few of them that have come in throughout the week.

You, too, can send your prank requests live to me.

Here I will do everything I can to take care of it live on the air.

That's over at madhouselive.com.

Click on the Request a Prank link at the top of the page or on the button,

wherever it is that you're watching us.

Of course, the podcast is there as well, which is growing mightily.

We also have a prank call-only podcast you can check out.

If you don't like to listen through hour-long shows necessarily,

if you just like the prank call, we can take care of that for you.

We've got a podcast that does just that.

That's over at the podcast section at madhouselive.com.

Of course, our toll-free line will be open momentarily, not just yet, but it will be later.

And that's 1-888-278-8509.

Again, if you're wanting to give us a call here and join the show, you can call us toll-free.

1-888-278-8509 is the way you do that.

We'll be giving out that number later on during the show, so don't worry if you missed it.

Also, if you are using Yahoo or Instant Messenger, you can send me your prank call request or your comments and concerns.

Message me at MadhouseRadio on AOL and Yahoo Instant Messengers.

MSN Messenger users, be sure to message me at...

I'm concerned.

Madhouseatlive.com.

Yes, you're concerned.

There's nothing wrong with being concerned, Tuck.

I mean, in this day and age, you're concerned.

You have concerns, that's all.

Everyone has concerns.

It's okay.

About many things, yeah.

Yeah.

About many things that I'm concerned about.

That's a concern.

Good, good, good, Tuck.

Gotta love that dial-up, man.

What's your status with dial-up?

Any hope in not having dial-up any longer?

Have you heard anything come down the old telephone machine?

No, but the reason I'm breaking up, probably the way I am,

is because the team that speaks here, you have two streams going on,

and I'm having to listen through your bedhouse stream

because your car is all staticky.

I fixed that quite some time ago.

There's no static on the video stream any longer.

There hasn't been in quite some time.

You should be able to hear that just fine now if you try to come through.

Just turn off everything.

And TeamSpeak it is.

TeamSpeak is coming in staticky, is it really?

I don't know.

I have it turned off.

Is that bad?

I have it turned off, and I'm going through the meds.

That's why I'm a little on the chappity-chop side.

Oh, man.

Well, I'm sorry.

I'll see if I can get to working on that.

Well, we could do something else, of course.

Hang on.

Let me try this here for you.

I don't know what would work.

Well, I don't know what to tell you, man.

Let's try it.

Don't worry about it.

I can hear you fine.

Sorry.

Okay.

Well, we'll work on it.

All right.

We'll work on him while we go through it.

If you can hear me in the notes, that's what's important.

Again, we'll check in with Milkman and see where he's at.

I haven't heard from him in about two days.

I did talk to him the other day.

He seemed okay, busy with work.

So was things.

We've got a lot of news that we can get to here later on tonight also.

What was that now?

Lonesome Loser has a number for Big Fat Bob's Pizza and Wings,

Uncle Fred's in Wyoming, and the Jumpin' Catfish in Kansas City, Moe.

Also, you know who I like to call

Early on, hopefully today

Mo' Kansas, Mo' City

We got a call

What's the damn place that we call every week now?

The guys are quite interesting to talk to

Funky Zone, that's who I want to talk to

Funky Zone

Let's see if I got their number here

I don't see it off bad

That's not good

Oh yeah, Funky Zone

Funky Zone

Take the number, guys

Oh, the guy at Funky Zone is hilarious, man

You know who I'm talking about

I forgot his name

It's funny because I met an Indian guy named Sam

Sam, who is the same name as the Sam the Donut Man we used to prank call all the time back in the day.

We finally knew Sam.

Interesting guy.

We got a lot of prank calls here that are recently edited.

One of those is one to this gentleman that I'm talking to you about right now.

Doesn't any of you guys seem to be named Sam a lot?

What, a deaf American name?

Yeah, I don't know.

They just try to make it easier for people to hear.

Anyway, this one's from last week.

Stand by while I get Milkman on the line.

Here's this prank call.

No, this is from two weeks ago to Funky Zone.

We'll see if we can call them back in a second here.

Funky Zone.

Yeah?

You guys have Cohiba? Cohiba's there?

Yes, we do have Cohiba Red Dots.

You have the Red Dots?

Yeah.

You're not supposed to have the Red Dots, though.

Why?

Because they're from Cuba.

No, those are from Philly Banking.

No, no, no, no, no.

Listen, I just came back from a cruise, and I went to Barbados,

and they explained the whole thing to me.

The Red Dots are from Cuba,

and then the other ones are from the Dominican Republic.

And if you have the cigars that are from Cuba,

you're going to get in trouble.

Now, I snuck some in.

You know what I did?

I took the bands off, and I put them in my luggage.

I didn't find them.

No, no, Habibi, no, Habibi, handmade in San Diego, Dominican Republic.

I'm not your love.

I got your phone number.

You know that?

What do you want?

I want you to admit.

It's from Dominican Republic.

You don't understand?

No, red dots are from Cuba, you bastard.

It's here, red dots, San Diego, L.A., Republic, Dominica.

How is San Diego?

It's from Stephen King.

San Diego is not in.

It's from Taylor in, do you want me to show you an invoice?

I'm going to report you to the naturalization, and they're going to take you away, Habibi.

Habibi?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, Olmec is right here.

Olmec is here with me right now.

Your mother.

Who?

Your mother, Olmec, right here.

Who?

I'm going to call.

I got your number.

I'm going to call right away.

Police?

Uh-huh.

You are harassing us.

I'm putting a report.

You have illegal.

When I come in, I have everything legal 100%.

Here, it's on the shelf.

I have proof here that you have Cuban cigars there.

So you try to sell me, right now, you try to sell me illegal Cuban cigars.

I have a Cohiba Red Dot from...

From Cuba.

A Philippine King.

No, from Republic of Cuba.

Hey, buddy, how you doing?

Yeah, who's this?

Yeah, this is Valente.

Look, I want to apologize.

I think you're right.

The Red Dots are from Dominican Republic.

public, it's the yellow ones that are from Cuba, right?

Well, you know what?

You have 34.

I just called him.

That's okay, no, but I just want to let you know that I'm dropping, listen, I'm dropping

the case.

I'm dropping the case against you because you were right and I was wrong.

It's the yellow bands that are from Cuba, not the red dots, right?

Right?

I'm sorry.

Well, like, yeah, would you please come to the store?

Why?

Well, you're going to hurt me.

You're going to threaten me.

No, I'm not.

No, no, no.

No, the police officer, he want to come here now.

What time?

No, I don't know.

He cannot call me right now.

Oh, you want to call me back?

I don't want to deal with you, man.

I'm really sorry.

I don't know you, and you've been harassing me, saying bad words in Arabic,

and that's, you know, I'm going to sue you.

Habibi, Habibi, Habibi, listen.

Yeah, yeah.

Can I ask you a question?

I am 100% here with the law, and the police officer, I love him.

I have contact with everyone.

You have 34.

Minutes remaining.

She rise, listen.

If you guilty, you can plead guilty.

Shut up, listen.

My lawyer...

No, no, no, not guilty.

Yes, Funky Zone, until what time is open?

Open until nine.

Until nine, okay.

Do you guys allow people to come in and sell matches or ask for matches there?

Ask for matches?

Like, I ran out of matches.

You know, let's say I come in and I get a cigar.

Do you guys give out free matches?

Yes, we do.

How many matches do you give out per order?

How many you want?

Maybe like eight or ten?

Yeah, we give you.

you? Yeah, did they have your pick? Um, one. How many? One. Just one, we'll give you just

one. No, give me like eight matches, uh, matchbooks. How many, how many matches come

in these matchbooks? You just. No, you give me, you give me eight, Habibi. Okay, just

come over. Habibi, you give me eight, okay? Okay, just come over. My friend, are you gonna

be peaceful when I come in? Like a cow. Of course, yeah. Like a peaceful, like a little

baby lamb. Uh-huh. When I come in, will you go, bah, like that, like a lamb, like

an animal like you are for me is this riyaz listen my friend riyad he's from palestine and

he said that he could smell you people coming coming a mile away that you people are all the

same he told me he's from palestine and he knows he knows about that you know but he could say

because he's from there i'm not from there so i can't say it but he said that you people like

you're shia that you're bad people he said to me yeah are you sunni or shia yeah he doesn't want to

talk about it that's a big there's a big war now it's between the shia and the sunni right now but

Muslims are fighting.

Muslim on Muslim crime.

Not guilty.

What are you going to do when I show up?

Are you going to cut my hand off with a sword?

Is that what you're going to do?

No.

No, no.

I'm not going to do anything.

I just called police officers.

Are you going to behead me in front of the town square, in front of everybody?

No, thanks.

No, no.

No, when you say you're with Allah, you're 100%.

I am trying to talk.

Thank you very much.

I'm trying.

Madhouse Radio is live.

Piece of shit.

That's what it is, and that's all there is to it.

Yeah.

We're calling them back.

Let's see if they answer this time, yeah.

One moment.

Sneaky bastards, but I have ways around that.

We'll call them back later.

In the meantime, another prank call is going to come.

That was our warm-up of the night.

We always have a nice warm-up.

I want to say a big what's up to Jill.

Jill's in the chat room.

Jill from the old country.

Hi, this is nice to see you, Jill.

Also, big Andy.

Andy's here.

What's up, Andy?

All right, everyone, give it up for Andy.

Fucking Andy, man.

Fucking right.

Hi, baby.

Hollywood Vanya, how you doing, man?

Oh, buddy, I can't hear you.

I can't see what's going on here.

Oh, screw that man on top.

I ain't loading.

Old man Vanya, how you been?

Fine.

Still having problems with my scapula.

Scapula isn't that for cutting stuff?

Yeah.

Oh, good grief.

Disgusting, Hollywood.

Seriously, though, man, I drunk-owled you during my honeymoon.

I'm glad you enjoyed that.

Did you save that message?

Couldn't, no.

For some reason, I couldn't save it.

Man, that was some good stuff right there.

You missed out.

Yeah.

Didn't I say, I know why they call you Hollywood Vagina,

because your vagina is so big it's the size of the Hollywood sign.

I don't know why I came up with that on my honeymoon while I was drunk.

I decided it would be a good idea to call you and let you know about that.

That was so nice.

There you go.

I enjoyed it.

I enjoyed the drunken call.

I figured you were just drunk dialing at the time.

Fuck yeah.

All right.

So you sent me a link for Tradio stuff, right?

We found a real-life, one of those real-life Tradio sites, eh?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

I was looking through it.

I had a brief moment to look through some of the stuff,

And they have a lot of weight sets, like, you know, weight, you know, working out shit.

I said that was quite the popular item.

Now, you said you wanted to call from the U.K., right?

Because I was thinking we could call from the Tradio site and say that they need to, you know,

they've had their posting taken down for fraudulent activity.

See what we could do about that.

Let's see.

I'm looking here now.

Now, where is this Tradio out of exactly?

Is it a radio show or just an online thing?

It looks like it's a part radio show.

I mean, it's Bar Radio, and it's also online, too, so...

Okay.

Area code 580, where...

Let me see where that's from.

It's Radio Station KECO.

I don't know where they're out of.

They're in the 580 area code, apparently.

I'm looking here at appliances.

Let's see what they...

Oh, they have animals, man.

There you go.

Let's look for some animals.

Yeah, they got all sorts of stuff, man.

All right, so...

They got all sorts of crazy stuff on here.

Dude, you can get any...

All right, so we got...

Employment.

All right, so...

They got employment.

Posted today, we got ferrets for sale.

We also have a hamster for sale that was posted today.

A male and two females

The ferrets

I have two male ferrets

Needing a good home

And some kids to play with

They're very sweet

And do not bite

One is white with red eyes

Ugh

And the other

It's a sable

Kind of like a raccoon

Disgusting

Oh great

Oklahoma City

Okay

I'm so sorry

5-8-0

So we're looking at Oklahoma

Home of the first

Act of terrorism

On U.S. soil

On Hollywood Vineyard

I don't know if you remember that

But that's true

1993

What's his name

Timothy McVeigh

And Terry Nichols

Right

It was in Nichols also

Yeah, nickels and dimes.

Nickels and dimes.

Miniature horses, moving must sell.

Two registered mini mares, one with a foal.

$200 for the mare and $300 for the mare with foal.

For info, and it's got the number.

This is brilliant, man.

Brilliant, okay.

That's Riley, too, isn't it?

Yeah, that's Riley.

Yes, Riley.

Riley.

Just put up today, too.

Uh-huh.

More here.

Let's see.

We got a quarter horse, I'm sorry, chihuahua puppies, a basset hound dog.

Is that for sale?

We got him for the kids, and I really don't play that much with him.

Oh, that's horrible.

You're going to give him the dog just because the kids are lazy and don't want to play with the dog?

Stupid kids.

I'm going to call for the ferrets and act like I want to cook them.

Like, I don't understand that they're, like, I'm going to act like they're good food and good eating.

Maybe you should pretend like you're from, like, a different country and have an accent.

Yeah.

And from my country, we do this.

We cook the ferrets.

We take the tails and we wrap it around our nose.

Yeah, okay, alright, so we're going to call, it doesn't have a name, just a phone number,

we're going to call for the ferrets, and we've got some more numbers in Lonesome Loser here

that we'll get to soon, we've got one in England already, for Neil Bonner, in England, we'll

see how Waldo's Pizza just came in, as well as Sexy Donut, so we've got plenty here to

do, dude, I'm quite excited about this, alright, next prank call tonight, coming up, Hollywood

Vanya's joining, stand by, time to eat some ferrets.

I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet

Oh, fuck

How do you sell shit?

How do you sell shit when you don't even set up your voicemail box, stupid people?

No wonder they're from Oklahoma City

Yeah, no, they're freaking idiots

Well, what else can we eat?

Chihuahua? No, that's too... I don't want to do a horse

Mineral horses, you know

No, of course

Ooh, guinea fowl

Little bottles of blue

Hey, look, here's a guinea fowl one

Someone says we'd like to buy some guineas

You should call us in Italian.

Can you do an Italian voice?

I don't know, man.

I could try.

I don't know.

Hey, what's this with the guinea fowl, huh?

Yeah, nah.

That sounds too much like John Travolta, man.

Bunnies.

It's Vinnie Barbarino.

Here we go.

Bunnies for sale.

Mixed breed pet bunnies.

Some half dwarf, five weeks old.

That was from yesterday.

23 all colors.

Half 23 all colors.

Ready to sell.

Oh, interesting, huh?

Okay.

Okay, professional dog grooming, Jack Russell Terrier.

Mobile grooming trailer, awesome.

If they have 23 of all colors, then maybe we should be looking for fluorescents.

That's covers of stupid shit.

Let's make up fucking colors like topish.

You got any topish bunnies?

You have any colors that are copacetic?

Okay, hang on here.

Let's just do this in a second.

Everybody, bunnies for sale.

Yay.

Some bunnies.

I'm sorry.

Mother F.

Great Jesus, baby mother pearl.

What's going on?

Is this the same number?

Stupid people?

No, different people.

Nobody's sitting there, I guess people in Oklahoma.

Do you think they're all 12 o'clock flashers?

Stupid.

Let's call the Culver Haven Inn in England if you want.

I'm going to tell you what I got.

You tell me what sounds best.

I'd like you to step in here.

We've got a casino in San Diego.

We've got a donut place called the Sexy Donut.

We've got a pizza place.

We've got a person who lives in Lancashire, England, a residence.

And then we have a few hotels in England also.

We've got the Ice House in Houston, Texas, 24-hour towing service in L.A.

Any of those strike a chord with you?

Any of them, really, man.

How about some England hotels?

England hotels, we're going to call the Culverhaven End or the Isle of Wight in England.

I've heard that white people come from there.

We've called the Isle of Wight already.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Fuck, it's time for that.

Yeah, the Isle of Wight.

Remember that?

Oh, man, I don't want to play any more Beastie Boys for right now.

Let's play some Eric and Rakeem.

Hey, my Java client finally loaded.

Awesome, good.

Come here.

Yeah, talk.

Hang on.

Nobody go anywhere.

Next friend call's coming up.

I am bisexual.

Do you have any openings for this weekend?

Hey.

Hello?

What are you doing?

Hey, do you have any openings for this weekend?

No, we don't.

Okay, is this possibly a residence of a MILF?

We're looking for a MILF right now.

What's a MILF?

We're looking for a MILF.

M-I-L-F.

A MILF?

What's a MILF?

A MILF, that's an American term, ma'am.

I'm sorry, you're probably, did we wake you up?

Yeah, it's half past three in the morning.

It's half past three.

I'm sorry, is this not the residence of the person that we just called?

No.

It is not the residence.

Okay, this is the non-residence then?

Yes, it's a pub.

It's a pub.

It's a pub, yes.

And you're not, well, what time do you close?

Because in America, we don't have to close until about five.

But it's half past three in the morning.

Right, but right now it's not that late here in America.

We're looking to come there and to party, and we'd like to come to your pub, or as we call it, a bar.

Yeah, but we don't open until 11 o'clock in the day.

Okay, well, that's fine, but you're closed right now.

How come you're not open until five in the morning like we are in America?

Because we don't open.

That's freedom.

That is freedom.

We have freedom to be open until 5 a.m.

What the hell is this?

Are we on hold?

This is awesome.

Are we on hold or what?

Yeah.

They'll come back?

They do.

Let's just hang up and call back, so we don't have to wait.

Two cents per minute, you know?

Oh, okay.

See?

Oh, these aren't free, are they?

No, they're Google Voice.

They're cheap enough, sir.

They're cheap enough.

The truth is they're actually paid by the donations and good work of people like, you know,

who listen to Madhouse Radio.

Well, thank you for going to our website and click on that donation button

and hook us up with a dollar or two and help.

A dollar or two could run the prank calls for an entire episode, you know?

Exactly.

And, in fact, if you do make a donation, we will be donating $1 for every $300 to the National Foundation for Young Children with No Hair.

Okay, that's right.

Bald children.

The balding children of America.

If I were to get $300 worth of that, you know, of donations, I would shave my head live in the air.

I would.

I would shave my head live in the air.

Starting now.

You've got a year, everybody.

You've got a year.

year and for one year i make 300 worth of donations i will definitely shave my head live

on the air and athena will not know about it until she sees me in the morning and cries like my mom

did when i shaved my head i baked my head with a razor when i was 16 years old i did it overnight

and i woke up in the morning and she i was up i was coming out of the bathroom she saw my head

was like uncle fester and she freaked out and started crying she thought i was possessed just

like when i did the thing with the thriller song remember tuck i talked about that last week that's

It's a true story.

I'm not kidding you.

Yeah, the Thriller

I talked about last week, yeah.

Yeah, I don't know

if you remember that.

Halloween, you know

there's a part in Thriller

where it breaks down

and some guy with

the devil voice

starts talking about

the funk of 40,000 years

and the awful evil spell.

Yeah, that guy, whatever.

So, when I was

about four years old,

I took my dad's

Thriller album.

I played just that part.

My mom was taking a nap

in the guest bedroom.

I played it really loud

and I made this

really weird kind of

creepy smile look

on my face

and I grabbed a knife from the kitchen

and I started walking her really so like a zombie

like on the video

and she freaked out when she woke up and saw me

and she thought I was possessed

and she wanted to take me to the church.

Like she destroyed the cassette tape of Thriller.

She like completely destroyed it.

Did you know that true story

that Michael Jackson got sued by Vincent Price

because he didn't ask Vincent Price to use his voice in that?

Really? But he recorded it though.

I mean, come on.

Well, didn't Michael Jackson sue somebody?

Isn't that not really him in the song

Somebody's Watching Me?

Everyone says it's him, but he wrote the lyrics and was going to sing it,

but they gave it to somebody else.

Oh, from Rockwell?

Yeah.

I think so, yeah.

I think it sounds just like a lot of people say,

oh, that's Michael Jackson singing the chorus, but it really isn't.

It was supposed to be him originally, I think,

but it ended up being someone else who was imitating him very well.

I do believe that is correct.

There was a big brouhaha about that.

I have the Wikipedia that there.

If anybody explains that to us, call in, let us know on the show,

Give us a report, and you could win a Madhouse dollar and a gold star, too.

All right, you ready for the next UK call?

Okie dokie.

Okay.

I'll start this one out, and I'll put the pressure on you.

I want you to get burnt out.

Actually, no, let's call the Culver back.

Fuck that.

No, you do this one.

You've got to call Culver back.

The Culver Inn that we just hung up with.

All right, cool.

One moment.

Are you in the chat room yet so I can boost you this information?

I've just gotten there, yeah.

All right, I'll take care of it here.

All right, and this is Isle of White there, Tom.

All right, you're asking.

Isle of White.

I have a voice.

Tom, could you let me in to use your latrine, please?

I don't want to piss on your front, excuse me.

Let me in for just a moment.

I just need to use your facilities.

I'm right out front on your door.

Can you let me in?

I don't want to do anything.

I don't want to buy anything.

I just got to use your facility.

Here's the deal.

If you don't let me in, I'm going to piss all over your door.

Sleep.

Don't step out front in the morning.

Whatever you do, I'll piss.

I pissed all over your door and the handle, all right?

You know, did you have as much to drink tonight as I did?

Sound like it.

I've been catching you, filming you.

Hey, what are you smiling, hello?

No, the other way, you dickhead.

Hang on, let me turn around.

Oh, here we go.

Hello.

There you go.

I found this number again.

No, I didn't piss off.

I pissed on your door, you dick.

Can I see you naked?

Hey.

Let me naked.

I got on cam right now this girl the V spot who's checking in in the syndicate room and

she has quite the nice cleavage nice hair like to um you know from behind her probably uh

wrap that around a few times in the palm of my hand you know and get a good you know like when

you're riding a horse you know you get that yeah you gotta you gotta get a good handle on the

Yeah, kick her in the shins a little bit right there.

Burr her in the heels.

Yeah, and yeah, dude, Barry, balls deep.

Definitely, look at that, right?

I'm telling you, man.

All right, now that I'm married, I've got to be careful.

She's not around tonight.

Of course, she's out drinking.

Ladies' night.

Good.

Good for me.

It's just the boys' night.

It's not a baby's.

All right, Jen Stewart.

That was not Jen Stewart.

I don't know if you hear about Jen Stewart.

We're calling the U.K.

Okay, someone's asking me just right now on the IM,

Jen Stewart, was that Jen Stewart that we were talking to?

No, not Jen Stewart.

Jen Stewart is out of the prank call game officially at this point.

He's been out of the prank call game for quite some time.

Please inform me.

Yeah, well, I don't know.

He just decided to drop off.

So if anybody knows of Jen Stewart other than me,

anybody who might know what's going on,

hey, Ted's here.

Ted, do you know about Ted?

Ted would know.

What happened to Jen Stewart, Ted?

We're just on the topic right now.

All I hear is static.

Hold up.

Oh, fuck me.

Anyway, the syndicate people are not getting static.

I don't understand.

Ted, turn off Carlito and just put on the Madhouse stream.

Yeah, do that.

Hang on.

I'll mute my microphone.

Maybe that's better for you guys.

That should be better now.

Okay, anyway.

Now I can hear.

Good, good, good, Ted.

Good to hear you.

How you doing, sir?

Good.

What do you know about Jen Stewart?

Is it completely out of the prank call game at this point?

What do you have?

Three people asked me last week.

Two people asked me this week already.

What do you know that I don't?

He's completely utterly done with the Jim Stewart thing.

All right, so he's completely done.

So, yeah, JimStewart.com is no longer there.

So, Talon and Prank Caller, we've missed.

We're losing here, but I still have his archive stuff.

He said I could keep it, that I could hold on to it.

So, we'll play from time to time, maybe, and we'll get into it a little bit.

Hollywood, you ready for the Prank Call?

Yeah, hey, I got a new Talon and Prank Caller.

Oh, you do?

I've got a ton of them from a torrent site, man.

Okay.

I'll have to put those up on the site.

Tradio stuff?

That's always fun.

Some of it is, yeah.

Okay.

I just heard those for the first time today, man.

I hadn't heard of Howard in a long time.

All right, I'm going to connect the ye olde village in here, okay?

They're in Burn...

Oh, yeah, I know what we call the ye olde village.

Bembridge.

Bembridge, England, everybody.

We're going to give them a call here.

If you have any requests, you can send those in, of course.

Be sure to send them in.

Damien?

Have you ever met a girl that you tried to date?

But a year to make love, she wanted you.

Come on, you coward.

Hello?

Hello, you coward.

Good morning.

I'm calling you on the anniversary of our defeat of you here in the United States of your tyranny.

I want to rub it on your face that you still are humbled against the greatest country in the world,

the United States of America.

Happy Fourth of July.

Why don't you come and enjoy your freedom with us here in the greatest country in the world

and visit the United States.

Hello, sir.

A little bit of anger, please.

Hello, you got anything?

No.

I don't think he's on the lawn anymore.

Maybe he's not clear of the lawn then.

Maybe.

That's how not to do a prank call.

Thank you, everybody.

All right.

David Jones.

David Jones is in Somerset, England.

We can give him a call.

And we can always call Culver again.

That was quite interesting.

Yeah.

Culver in.

Let's call David Jones here in Somerset, England.

Just a moment, everybody.

Please don't bother that person.

David Jones and me.

That's Mr. Jones.

I know.

So white.

David's a mister.

Classic song.

Yes, hello, is David in, please?

Who's calling?

This is Samantha.

What do you want?

Well, he told me to give him a call as soon as I got in the area.

I'm supposed to meet up with him in his room tonight.

I think you've got the wrong number, love.

No, no, this is David Jones' place, right?

I told him, I told him as long as he helped me get rid of my tampon,

then we could douche everything up and he'd be all right.

He said he wouldn't lie on that.

Listen, this is my douche bag.

You hear that?

I'm blowing it up.

I've got to put water in it and squirt it inside me.

You know how that works.

You ever use Summer's Eve?

Still there?

Mrs. Jones?

Yes, Jones.

Oh, thank you.

We've lost the patient.

Ryan, terminate the call, please.

Hello?

It has terminated the call.

Hollywood brought you in.

Yes, Ryan.

That's another way of not...

Remember, if you ever need to get out of a prank call,

if it's going bad or you think they hung up and I ain't catching on...

That is one impressive voice.

Just say, Ryan, terminate the call.

Okay.

Yeah, we'll do it.

You know, that's...

Every prank caller should have a code for that,

and that's Ryan terminate the call, please.

I wonder if David was your husband.

I don't know if you think so.

She seemed kind of protective, right?

She was like, oh.

I guess we could always do another one

where Samantha calls and she's crying

because the lady's husband got me pregnant.

Got her pregnant.

Remember we did that to like a 58-year-old

or a 60-something-year-old guy once?

His wife answered, remember that?

Yeah, his wife was kind of curious at first about it,

like kind of gave it some thought.

All right, cool.

I'm going to call Nicholas Holmes.

He's in England also. He's in Warwickshire.

Warwickshire. I'll take this one. You can take your break.

Ask him if he's related to John Holmes because you're really into that kind of stuff.

I'm into Johnny fucking Wad. That's right.

Yes, hello, hello. Good evening. Is this Nick? Nicholas Holmes?

Yeah.

This is Johnny Wad. How you doing? This is Johnny Wad. How you doing?

Hi.

Hi. This is Johnny Wad. I don't know if you remember me.

I used to be a member of the family way back when.

And I came across some CD certificates of deposit.

And if you need to be a co-signatory on it, you let me know.

I'll sign you down on those papers, man.

I think these papers are yours that I found here.

And I think you need to sign them.

Yeah, but it's only 11 p.m. here.

And it's actually 8 p.m. in Wonderland where we found the papers.

The Wonderland Ranch in California and L.A.

There's papers for you to sign for the estate for John.

John Holmes.

You know who John Holmes is, right?

What are you doing?

Are you typing this down?

I don't give you permission to monitor this call.

Have you terminated the call, sir?

It's terminated the call.

That's the United Kingdom, everybody.

That was in Warwickshire.

I have no idea where Warwickshire is, but they sound kind of...

That's what they talk about.

You know, they sound like Amy Winehouse.

Like she's got marbles in her mouth.

Yeah, that's what they sound like when she sings.

Remember how Biggie Smalls used to talk?

He was like...

Tell Artie to quit calling me while I'm on the phone with him.

Oh, yeah.

Evil Artie's in the house.

I want to say what's up to him.

A lot of people at Syndicate right now.

We've got a lot of viewers right now, I understand.

It's good to see you.

228 people actually watching Madhouse Radio on the Syndicate radio feed, so thank you.

If you're a lurker, please why don't you subscribe to the channel and join the chat room.

There's a lot of people in there.

There's several people in there right now.

A big, nice group of good people.

Evil Artie is a very beautiful young boy.

Boy, and if you're into young boys.

Okay.

All right, so what's next here on deck?

You want to call a business yet?

You want to keep calling the U.K.?

Let's call a business, man.

Let's get back to what we call.

Gumby's Pizza in Iowa City, Iowa, coming right up.

Hey, guess what?

I got bad news.

I'm going to lose my Monday's off soon,

so we've got to take advantage of the Monday shows.

I used to do, remember, Monday Morning Madhouse?

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

I remember that.

It was wonderful.

And another breaking news.

apparently due next week is the

4th anniversary special show that we're

going to do here at Madhouse Radio.

So for new listeners and

old fans alike,

our favorite show of the year is

always the 2nd week of July.

Our first show was on

July 14th of 2005

and we'll be celebrating that next week on the

9th, which will be the last show before.

It's a Madhouse 4-year anniversary

special. We'll have a special countdown

of the top 10 prank calls of the

last year, of the last season.

and also the announcement of the new Madhouse radio CD

and the contents of which will be revealed on that night,

and I think that's probably going to come out sometime in August.

Hey, Hollywood, even if I pay you for it,

do you think you can print out some more labels like you did for the last one?

Oh, dude, we lost our color printer.

Oh, dude, I'm going to have to go get them somewhere.

The lease was up.

Yeah, really? Oh, that sucks.

Yeah.

Yeah, how's that? Is everything okay with that job, man?

You've got to watch out. Things are bad.

People don't like paper anymore. Papers are the...

Oh, dude, I'm completely safe.

Okay, good, good. I'm glad you're safe.

I mean, my boss loves me so much, I turned in four days worth of PTO time, last paycheck.

I looked at my check, and he didn't even submit it this time.

Really, he just let you go? That's awesome.

Yeah.

Cool.

Yeah.

Kick-ass, man.

All right, Gumby's Pizza. You ready for some pizza?

I fucking am.

All right, everybody.

All right, just a moment here. Thank you.

I'm on Gumby's Pickup or Delivery.

Yeah, man, probably going to be for pickup.

Okay, need a phone number?

You don't need my phone number, man. I ain't coming to pick it up.

I need a phone number please we have to have a phone number for all orders

I tell you what man, you know what I'm on my cell phone, and I don't like to get my cell phone up

Okay, well you can just come in and order, but we

Let's tell me what your specials is we have a 20-inch cheese pizza for $9.99

What the fuck was that I had to turn you down and what you got like an echo in the background you get there speak

You get the speakers up in the back. I'll turn down man. That was my head a balloon

Couldn't you just make it do the fart noise?

I hear bleeding, though.

Yeah, I know.

It just killed my ears.

You fucking horse.

You horse.

Testio is going to be sending us numbers.

Testio is going to be sending us a number to call escorts

with our callback number to get them to call back us,

and then we'll have the escorts call us back at the callback number.

These escorts are going to have to be in Orlando in the 407 area code

for this to work properly.

so make it so

motherfucker

yeah

did you know

there's a website

out now

Hollywood

I heard it

advertised on

Sirius

Escorts

alright

yeah

there's this

website dude

that rates hookers

and escorts

I forgot what

it's called

theeroticreview.com

I went on it

and it's fucking

hilarious

it's there just

to review like

escorts and shit

that you can pick

up on MySpace

and what's the

other one

Craigslist

and Facebook

not Facebook

necessarily

but Craigslist

there's a lot of

whores on there

They're whores, you know.

Instead of my Facebook?

Yeah.

Evil Artie knows all about the site, he says.

I know he's had several women in the past.

Yeah, I'm sure Evil Artie has, like, got a VIP membership.

He's got a Founders Badge membership.

He's got, yeah.

It is TheEuroticReview.com.

Chick Use is confirming that is TheEuroticReview.com.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, so that might be a good starting place to look for shit, Testio, while you do that.

So, yes.

Yes, and Lonesome Loser, of course, can also check in.

I'm sure he could do pretty well doing that kind of stuff.

Hollywood, you want to hang on for some more pranks?

Sure, man.

All right, cool.

I'm going to call Huggy Bear Motel now.

This is the Huggy Bear Motel in Warren, Indiana.

Tux is singing in the toilet.

Everybody, don't go anywhere.

Next prank call, it's coming right up.

Huggy Bear Motel.

Hey, sweetie, how much are your evening rates there, like per night?

For one or two people.

Well, I want one bed by two people.

Is there a difference if you get, do you charge by the person or the bed?

Person.

Do you like check?

So it would be $41.05.

Okay, well, let's say one person.

$35.50.

And then it's for two people, it's $41.35?

$41.05.

And for two people, it's $32.05.

So it's $9 difference?

For one person, it's $35.50.

For two people, it's $41.05.

$31.05.

So you get the discount if you get more than one person, right?

No.

Oh, I don't understand.

For one person, it's $35.50, and then for two people, it's $41.05.

$35.

$35.05.

$41.05.

Okay.

So, I mean, let's say just one person, but what happens if I get caught with, like, my friend?

Huh?

What if my friend comes to visit?

I'm confused.

If my friend comes to visit, are you going to charge me for a friend?

Is he staying?

He might stay late, but he's not going to spend the night.

Like, what if he stayed until, like, 6 o'clock?

In the morning?

He works at 6.30.

Then we would probably charge you for him.

Well, what do you consider the breaking point?

Like, how late could he stay at?

Because I need to save this money.

I'm on, you know, whatever.

I have $50.

Whatever I don't have to give you, I'm going to put in gas,

and that's all the rest of the gas I have left for my trip.

So I need you to help me out.

I mean, my friend's going to stay, but he's only going to, like,

what's the latest he could stay there for?

So he's not staying.

He's just coming to visit?

He's going to hang out, take a shower, and hang out.

And we're going to watch TV.

But he's going to leave in the morning.

But he's going straight to work.

He's just hanging out.

Hold on.

I'm confused.

Okay, hold on.

Hold on.

I'm going to put you on hold real quick.

I'm sorry.

Okay, hold on.

We're waiting for that.

I want to direct everybody to please be sure to visit MadHouseLive.com.

Again, it's MadHouseLive.com.

Check out our assortment and array.

Since it's 15 after 11, and he's staying until 6?

It's only like four hours or something like that.

I don't think it's a big deal.

Five hours, who's, you know.

What time is it?

11.15, right?

Yeah.

So, I mean, I don't think if, a whole night's sleep is eight hours,

so I think as long as he's gone by 7 a.m., it should be cool.

He didn't get full night's sleep there.

You can't charge him a full night's sleep.

I know, but that's just how it is.

Like, if two people come in, you're going to get charged for two people.

But he's not staying the night.

He's going to leave before the sun comes out and shit.

He's, you know...

Is he allowed just to come visit them?

Can he hang out for a few hours?

I mean, it's going to be your room, so...

Okay.

I mean, he's going to use the shower and stuff.

He's not going to sleep in the bed, but, I mean, he's not...

I mean, I don't think you should charge him if he's not even going to sleep.

Okay.

I don't know what to say.

Sorry.

Who are you asking in the back?

Is that the manager?

Yeah.

Well, not really.

What's the manager?

Is he going to get attitude with you?

Because don't let them give you attitude.

Let me talk to the manager.

I'll take care of it.

Don't worry.

Oh, the manager is not here.

Well, who's there right now?

He just went to the room.

Who is that?

Tell me who it is because they're yelling at you and that's not fair.

It's my mother.

Okay, put it on the phone, please.

It's no big deal, sir.

Just, it will be fine.

No, you're violating me.

Please, I want to speak to the manager right now.

Okay, she's not the manager, but here you go.

Hello?

Listen, woman, you don't talk to that nice young lady like you just talked to her right now.

You're rude and disrespectful.

That's my daughter.

That girl is a mother, and she has a mother, and she's probably a mother too.

And we all have mothers, so we don't talk to women like that.

I don't know where you grew up, what kind of family.

I don't know who you think you are talking to me like that.

All I asked her was what you were wanting.

And you said it in a rude voice, and you said your voice is loud,

and you demeaned her on the phone in front of a customer.

No, I did not demean her in front of a customer.

Shame on you, man, that you would talk to another woman like that.

What if her mother knew about the way you were talking to her?

How would you feel?

I am her mother.

Oh, you're her mother?

I am her mother, yes.

You probably spanked her when she was growing up.

It was your bad mother.

Well, you know what?

Whatever you think.

I don't want to hear about you talking to your daughter like that anymore.

You understand me?

Well, I don't know who you think you are.

Well, don't you talk to your daughter like that anymore.

Is this understood?

I will talk to my daughter how I choose to.

Don't you dare disrespect her.

That's your daughter, but you dare do it.

I will talk to my daughter how I choose to.

I did not disrespect my daughter.

Will you please apologize to her?

Deanna, I'm sorry that I talked to you like that.

Quit crying, honey.

It's just, hey, no, honey, don't be scared.

You see, she's scared.

She's scared of you.

She's terrified of the way you talk to her.

No, she's scared of you, Derek.

I'm taking my business elsewhere.

Goodbye.

Okay, thank you.

Bye, woman.

Okay, whatever.

I just hung up on Hollywood on accident.

in it fuck i hung up on hollywood whoops that was so i don't know what the fuck i did that lady

this was stupid hollywood call back in i lost you oh my god that was i don't know what that was that

was some stupid place what was that again was that a pizza place yeah gumby how did we end up

on that on gumby's pizza no no no that was something else huggy bear hotel that's what it

was, yeah. Hey, boss, sorry about that, man. You're making me cry. Oh, man. That was radio

gold right there, man. That was pretty good. Thank you, man. Thank you. You want to do

another one? You want one? Okay. I got a saloon, a restaurant called Moby Dick. We got a place

called Huckleberry's. I have no idea what that is. And we've got a Pumpkin Pete's in

In Kansas.

Confirmed.

Testio has sent in numbers for escorts in the Orlando area.

I'll be there, Huckleberry.

Okay.

Interesting.

Okay.

They'll have to be from when Hollywood gets off the line because they won't be able to call in.

They'll get a busy signal right now.

So later on in the show, we're going to do a late show tonight.

Hollywood, you can't listen to that stuff.

So, hey, Testio, I got it.

Testio, I'm hanging on to those escorts.

We'll definitely give them a call.

Cover yours, Hollywood.

Hopefully you didn't have Testio cancer.

Okay.

And thank you, everyone, for staying tuned in.

Okay, so I'm sorry.

You can call it, though.

You're married now as well.

I know.

I am married.

We also have the William Tell House Restaurant.

You have to call your ears when you make the call.

And look, the coffee shop in Hawaii.

What do you want in Hollywood?

Anything?

Should I just pick random, or do you hear something you like?

William Tell.

Are they in America?

No, they're in Tamales, California.

Okay, so they're in America.

Yeah, they're in America, yeah.

You ought to call them and say, hey, Osh won't let you know.

The British are coming.

They're telling you William.

William Tell, okay.

One is for a lady, two is for a shade.

All right, hang on.

William Tell coming up, everybody.

Take it away, Hollywood.

Hi, thank you for calling the William Tell house.

All right, they're not answering there, sir.

I need to make, we need to get at least one more hotel.

I got a great idea for one.

You want to try England Hotel?

Yeah.

You want to try, well, that was a different place.

That's not the one.

Yeah.

Saloon, Pumpkin Pete's, Huggy Bear, we can't call again because they're scared.

apparently. Maybe I didn't call them, though.

Well, here's the Carson Valley Inn.

They're in Nevada. We didn't call them yet.

They're from the beginning of the show.

And we still have a casino.

Also, if you want to try that instead.

Yeah, amen.

Alright, well, we'll do the other inn.

They're in Carson Valley, Nevada, alright?

Don't go anywhere, man.

Alright, everybody, fuck the inn.

Last one for the vagina.

to reach hotel guests press zero and no shit carson valley and this is virginia how may i help

you oh hi virginia i want to make reservations for um monday through wednesday please all right

let me give you two reservations just a moment oh wonderful thank you this is patent reservations

patent reservations hello i need to make uh what do you recall reservations from monday to wednesday

of next week. Okay, let's see what I have available. That would be the 6th, and you

would be leaving us on Wednesday or staying through Wednesday? I would be staying through

Wednesday. I'd be checking out. What is your normal checkout time? Noon. What is noon?

12 o'clock. I'm sorry, I don't understand. Midday. Midday. Tea time, I understand now.

You just say tea time, I'll buy tea time. Okay, and how many adults, sir? It's going

going to be just myself as an adult. I'll have three young boys with me. How old are

they? 9, 12, and 13. Okay, we're going to count the 13-year-old as an adult and the

other two as under age 12. So you obviously want two queen beds, correct? Queen-sized

beds? I just need one super single, please. Two people? They're going to be bringing their

own sleeping bag. Okay, non-smoking or smoking? Young to smoke. Non-smoking, okay. Well, are

Are you AAA or AARP?

No, I've never drunk that much in my life, ma'am.

I'm sorry.

No, AAA is Automobile Club.

No, AAA is, you mean Alcoholics Anonymous Association.

No, that's AA.

AAA is American Automobile Association.

No, ma'am, I'm sorry.

Okay, well, that rate is $94 plus tax each night,

so the total for your three-night stay would be $310.20.

Wonderful.

May I book that for you?

Yes.

Yes, what is the, I need to know what time can I check in?

You may be able to check in as early as noon on Monday.

No, what is noon again? I'm sorry.

Tea time.

Tea time, thank you.

Where are you located? Where are you located?

Right now I'm in my house.

But where, what part of the United States?

Oh, none of the United States, ma'am. I'm in England.

Okay, very well. I understand now the time difference for you.

Very well.

You're talking my language now.

Thank you.

Now, let me ask you one other question.

The rate I quoted you is in our hotel casino.

We have a motor lodge, which is a two-story building about a half a block away,

and the rates are slightly less expensive.

Would you like me to check that?

Pardon?

Yes, there are.

There are fewer rooms.

There are fewer people.

Absolutely.

Would you like me to check availability there for you?

Yes, please.

Let me check that.

Sure.

Just one moment.

Okay, that rate drops to $74 plus tax each night, so your total would be $244.20 there.

That's even better.

Absolutely.

My nipple clamps have fallen off.

Absolutely.

May I have your last name?

It's Sofalot, S-O-F-A-L-O-T.

Name?

It's J-A-C-K.

Okay, Jack, got you.

And Jack, a telephone number?

Uh-huh.

871.

Okay.

And it's not area code.

I'm trying to think of America terms.

It's going to be country code 32.

Okay, I'm going to put 32.

Let me see in here.

Okay, now you've got my name, right?

I've got your name, and I need a mailing address, please.

3122, I'm trying to think, would be for here.

Is that correct, in England?

Yes, anything that's a mailing address, yes.

A mail address?

Where are you receiving it?

We don't have female.

We just have regular addresses.

We don't have male and female addresses here.

Okay, just regular addresses.

Okay, just a regular address.

Your postal address, your postal address.

That's when somebody gets angry, right?

No.

I'm not an angry person, ma'am.

No, just an address, please.

I don't wear dresses either, no.

Okay, sir.

If this is a joke call, I'm going to terminate the conversation.

If you want to be serious, I'll be happy to make your reservation.

Ma'am, I'm trying to understand.

Okay.

It's late here.

Where do you reside?

Your home address.

Where is your residence?

My home address.

Okay.

Yes.

3112

I'm in Hampshire, England

Okay, got you

And what credit card may we use to hold the reservation?

It's going to be the Gold Express

American Express?

No, more than Gold

It's from England

Okay, let me see if we recognize that

Give me just a second

My hand right here, I recognize it

Well, no, I know you do

I just don't know if my computer will recognize it

I'm just looking to see if mine will...

I'm just going to...

Let's take a number and let's see if it takes it.

Okay.

Let me know whenever you're ready.

I'm ready.

32.

Uh-huh.

4138.

Yes.

I terminate the call.

24.

Okay, and the expiration date, it does not like that card number.

Let me switch you to the...

Hang on just a sec.

I'm going to switch you...

Just one moment.

Hold on.

I'm going to fix it.

Hold on.

Okay.

What?

Catch the name I gave her?

Gold Express.

Jack, it's an awful lot.

Therapeutic massage, facials, and body wrap services.

They're going to come.

We'll just call them back.

I think you say it's Gold Express, G-O-U-L-D.

That's very British sounding.

That's pretty...

Gould Express.

I was going to wait for her to come back on.

When she came back on, I was just fixing to have an orgasm.

Oh, man.

How crass.

All right, Hollywood, thanks for calling in.

The website is HollywoodVanyaPranks.com, right?

Yeah, I'm glad I haven't got to change to Hollywood Pranks.

Ah, well, deal with it, everybody.

Hollywood Vanya Pranks, V-A-N-J-A, that's VanyaPranks.com.

Thanks, Hollywood, for being with us tonight, all right?

Thank you.

Catch you later. See you, man.

Bye-bye.

Not vagina.

Not vagina. It's Vanya.

Okay, I'm going to take a break.

I'm up against a hard break mandated by the Federal Communications Commission machine.

The Dead Asked, Greek sex.

The Dead Brother, I don't know what you're talking about, man.

I don't know.

When we come back, a lot of prank calls coming up,

including escorts here in Orlando.

We'll have them call me directly back at the studio.

I can do that.

I got balls like that.

We got the Churchill residence.

They're in England.

Simon Middleton is in Nottinghamshire.

Kathleen Goddard, she's in England also.

We still have Moby Dick Restaurant, Huckleberry's,

Pumpkin Pete's, the Mad Dog Saloon,

and shifty's all on deck here from Lonesome Loser

as well as your requests from during the week.

We'll get to those.

We've got, I believe, two or three of those

and a few news stories to get to.

When we come back, please be sure to visit madhouselive.com.

Bookmark that site if people even do that.

I don't know if that's the end thing to do anymore.

Subscribe to our podcast.

Register for our forums.

Download some prank calls there for free.

Take it easy.

There's a free prank call city there also.

I don't know if you've looked into it,

but grab yourself a copy.

Get yourself a free prank call city from Madhouse Radio

over at madhouselive.com.

Okay, we'll be back in about six minutes here, to be honest with you.

I can't lie. I cannot tell a lie.

We'll try to get Milkman on the horn also.

Tuck, Ted Webb, and the rest are here also.

Back in a moment.

There's two dogs all late.

Gotta testify.

Come up in the spot, look at extra fly.

Can't you do it here?

House Radio will be back right after this.

Don't tell me 40,000 people are coming here.

They're not here.

Madhouse Radio.

You are bigger than a woman.

You are better than a woman.

We'll always be behind you.

Do not let a woman, ever, ever, make you who you are.

Yeah.

Shams nine times ultra.

Herbs three times great.

Four, six times ill.

Rest in peace, ODB.

Out of dark.

Legendary.

All right, we're back, everybody.

above in that house radio park number two of the night i am carly to your host checking in here

also big tuck ted webb baz boniface and brandon vegas all checking in if you want to call in

tonight you can toll for line is open that's uh 888-278-8509 once again 1-888-278-8509 call us

I may be getting rid of that toll free line

it's starting to become useless

I think as soon as Google Voice

takes off here

I'm probably going to start using it

hello Jonathan

you're on the air

what's up man

how you doing bro

how are things

I'm doing okay

I'm glad to be back on air

thanks man

thanks for having me back

you know

You know, it's going to be the four-year anniversary show next Thursday.

Did you hear me mention that?

No, I did not hear that.

Actually, I just had everything turned back on on the Internet instead of turning back on a few days ago.

I moved into my new apartment.

Everything's good to go over here.

Okay, all right, well, shit.

Well, I'm glad you're back in civilization.

Now, you got your own one-bedroom by yourself, or what you got?

What's your deal?

I got a two-bedroom.

I got a brand new roommate and stuff.

Is he a cheese boy?

Yeah, he's a cheese boy.

Oh, fuck.

All right, well, be careful with that, man.

Well, I'm glad to see that you look like you're all settled in.

What's your poster in the background there?

I see you on the video.

What you got back there?

Is that Michael Jackson?

No, that's the Grinch.

Oh, okay, that's you.

I get it.

And what kind of, like those thick wire lights that you can put up there for Christmas?

I see where it's confusing.

What you got going on up there?

Yeah, I got to get a new rope light to put around the Grinch poster.

My other lights quit working.

Okay, all right, well, cool, man.

Awesome, everybody.

I hope everybody gets to see that.

I'm going to go over to syndicate radio.tv, and you can.

All right, so what do you think about, as far as the best prank calls,

can you think of one maybe from the last year, from the last 12 months,

you think we should include in the countdown?

Anything in particular you remember?

I think we should include a cheese boy prank.

Yeah, we didn't do many cheese boy pranks in the last year.

We'd have to look and see.

I don't know if we did, but we can always play the cheese boy prank.

It was very funny.

It doesn't only have to be the last year.

Like, we do a countdown, but then we go back into the last four years

and play the best pranks and all that from all that time.

And then we do new prank calls, and it's a great time, isn't it?

You've been around for the anniversary shows before.

Oh, yeah.

You've been listening for about two years, almost three, I think, at this point,

if not more than that, so good deal.

All right, Jonathan, well, thanks for calling in, Mr. Official First Caller of the Show.

Say hi to all your fans and listeners.

We're going to move on.

Well, I'd like to say hello to everybody, and I hope you'll have a good,

Guys, pull through July, and be safe with friends, and be cautious with fireworks.

Awesome.

All right.

Thanks, brother.

Catch you next week.

All right.

Bye-bye.

Jonathan, everybody.

Big Jonathan checking in.

You also can check in now if you want 1-888-278-8509.

That is the toll-free line.

Once again, that's 1-888-278-8509.

You can call this telephone right here, the one you see right there.

Try calling for me.

You can try calling now, Ted.

It's free now.

Well, if it wasn't available before, it's because Jonathan was on the phone, silly.

Silly Billy, okay.

Isaac Hayes is this song, Pursuit of the Pitmobile.

I'm going to call Milkman and check.

Oh, the lines are ringing here.

Hello.

Hello, baby.

Hey, what's going on, brother?

What?

How are you?

I'm good, I'm good.

Are you on a Skype phone?

Yeah, why?

Does it sound bad?

No, I wanted to call Milkman real quick.

Don't go anywhere, all right?

I'm going to get Milkman a lemon.

I can chime in if you want.

You know his number?

You want me to send it to you?

I think I have it in my Skype.

I don't know if it's that one.

It starts with 3-4.

3-4.

Yeah, 3-4-0.

Should be.

I'll add him in.

Okay, all right.

See if you can get him on the line.

I'll check in with him.

In the meantime, we've got numbers here from Testio.

Oh, I've got to do this when I'm on the line by myself.

Maybe later.

Don't worry.

I'm going to do those.

We're going to call the hookers.

Don't worry.

They won't be able to get through if the line's up like that.

All right, anyway, also we've got John D. Thatcher, Alan Thatcher.

You have reached the 3PPS voicemail box of 3400.

All right, good, we got it, don't worry.

Got it in time, I potted it down.

Okay, you want to call England or you want to call a business of sorts?

Let's call a business.

Okay, got the Moby Dick Restaurant, Pumpkin Pete, and Mad Dog Saloon.

What is your choice?

What was the Pete's one?

Pumpkin Pete's, they're located in Fort Scott, Kansas.

this. Shall I engage? Yes, make it

so. Alright, engaging. Alright, hang on, everybody.

Nice prank of the day. It's coming up.

Tad, web. What's the website?

Blueplanethosting.us, is that right? Yeah.

Yeah. I'm not sure if Zola's gonna be on next

week or not. I mean, tomorrow or not.

Maybe he's back. I don't think he is.

I think he's gone for another week. Don't quote me

on that. Fucking failure.

Fucking failure. Alright, that leaves us with

Moby Dick's Restaurant and the Mad Dog Saloon.

Keep in mind, we also have Shifty's

and Skippy's Coffee Shop

in Honolulu, Hawaii, and

and Iggy's Sports Grill in Utah.

How about Iggy's?

Iggy's Sports Grill is located in St. George, Utah.

We're going to try that, everybody.

Don't go anywhere.

Thank you.

Is this Iggy's?

I was wondering, do you guys do e-sports there?

Do what?

Sports, because we have a group of friends,

and we're into sports, but we're not into the physical sports.

We like to play video games.

So I was wondering if you don't have an e-sports part of the bar?

No.

And what do you do down there?

Same season?

Yeah.

Well, how about I bring a group of my friends on there,

because what's going on is I'm having a birthday party.

I'm trying to find a venue for it,

and I've got a bunch of friends that are into eSports,

so maybe we could bring our video, like our content.

Hey, Ted, you there?

Something's happening.

Oh, shit.

Ted?

Yeah.

Oh, my goodness.

Ted, you there?

Oh, my God.

Something's happening to my computer.

It's not good.

Now, this isn't going anywhere.

Is one of the customers there?

No.

Then you said very long.

Do you have anything there for people with emotional problems?

Emotional problems?

What kind of emotional problems do you have, Ted?

Ted, you there?

Ted!

What was that?

Who was it?

Who was it in the middle?

I was like, Ted, Ted, Ted, you there?

I don't know.

Like, I don't know what the fuck that was.

Returning to Main Menu, you have one new message.

Ted, you there?

Ted, the fuck?

Ted, you there?

Oh, man.

I don't know what the hell that was.

I think, because I have like 400 things open, and that totally screwed me mentally.

Oh, shit.

Ted, for prank call purposes, I would like you to look into Google Voice.

Why don't you set yourself up, see if you can get yourself an invite.

I'll send you one when I can send them out again, all right?

It's a great tool when it comes to prank calls.

It's keeping the fort alive, you know what I'm saying?

Keeping the fire alive, the underground.

How is it better than Skype?

I don't know. You've got to look it up, man.

It's got a lot of different features, like, let's say, you get an actual free,

free, what you would call a Skype in number that normal landlines could call, you get

it for free. It stays with you for life, and you can forward that number to call any of

your other phone numbers. You can have it call your cell phone, your home phone. You

can set time frames for it to do it, so you don't have to give out all these numbers that

are going to change eventually. You can just give out your Google phone number, and it

will always stay with you for the rest of your life. At the same time, you can make

calls going out on it on your PC, or by calling your own number and putting in your passcode,

which is what I do, you get free calls to the United States

and they come up in the caller ID of your Google Voice account.

So I've got one that I just use for prank calling.

So when people call back, when people call back,

on the caller ID they see it shows the prank call line that we use.

And when they call back, they'll leave a voicemail

for what they think is Valentin Associates.

It's me saying, this is Valentin Associates.

Thank you for calling. We're not open right now.

And they'll leave a voicemail like upset or reporting

that one of the employees has been prank calling us,

and it happens all the time.

It's quite interesting.

So anyway, it has a degree of anonymity.

How about we have a request?

Okay.

Maybe we could try, like, Indian restaurants in Hawaii.

Indian restaurants in Hawaii?

Okay, well, you know who just heard that was Lonesome Loser.

I can search for some, too, here.

Unless you want to search.

I mean, you have a search machine in front of you right now.

I do have a computer machine.

A computer machine always helps.

Let me look here.

Indian restaurants in Honolulu.

While you look for that, while you look for that, I'm going to call Huckleberry's, all right?

You ready?

Good.

Thank you, bud.

For delay, we have problems with the phone machine.

But the problems are now fixed, and now Ted's coming with a prank call.

What are we calling?

Hello?

What is this?

Moby Dick restaurant.

Okay.

Is this the Bombay restaurant?

Right.

What did you say the name of the restaurant is?

Moby Dick.

Moby Dick?

Uh-huh, in Santa Barbara.

Is this a fish place?

Yes, yes, we have everything, though.

Yeah?

Can I help you with something?

I don't like the Moby Dick.

No, I mean, you think he was pissed, Leo.

And it did him in in the end.

I mean, it's a really fucked up story if you think about it.

I mean, really, revenge is a bad thing.

Wouldn't you agree?

Yeah, I'm agree with you totally.

Learned the story of Moby Dick when you got the job there?

Not necessarily, but I read the book, too.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I didn't read the whole book.

It was too big.

No, I, yeah, I kind of did it.

But not because, not to get the job, because I was kind of, you know, like it.

Bye, guys.

Thank you.

Anyway, so there's something that I can help you with.

I don't really think you can help me with my problem.

Oh, I'm sorry.

So you have a nice evening.

Wait a minute.

Where are you located?

We are on the 220 Squarf in Santa Barbara, California.

Well, see, here's the deal.

I'm in the Santa Barbara Mental Institution, and I don't really like the food here.

And I was wondering, but I'm under high security.

Oh, I see.

And I was wondering if maybe one of your staff would dress as an orderly, sneak to me.

Oops, no, I don't think we're going to be able to do that.

Do you like fish sticks?

Yes, I like them.

Do you put this in your mouth?

It's very weird, so I'm going to hang out with you.

I don't like the jello, though. It's horrible.

Press 1 to listen to your recorded call.

Quite an interesting conversation there, speaking about the book.

Reminds me of Star Trek.

You ever see Star Trek The Next Generation, where they talk about Moby Dick and the Borg?

and the Borg

is the morbid

dick

yeah

wants to go

get exacted

revenge

yeah

and he became

crazy

he went mad

with power

remember

that he called

the Klingon

the black guy

he called him

the black guy

with the funny face

he called him

a coward

and then

Michael Doran

stepped in

and was like

motherfucker you

and he pulled

out a thermal

detonator

and he was

threatening to

blow it up

and as they

gave him back

Han Solo

it was an

awesome part

best part

of the whole

series

fucking

Okay, brother man, I got good news coming in from the big man himself, Lonesome Loser.

Your requested numbers for Honolulu, Hawaii, Indian restaurant.

We've got the Bahare, no, I'm sorry, we've got the Bombay Indian restaurant in Honolulu

and also the Maharani Indian restaurant.

Are you in the chat room at all?

No, you're not.

No, what chat are you using?

Let's go to madhouselive.com forward slash chat so I can see that information.

But in the meantime, you know I'm going to call an Indian place in Hawaii, okay?

You down for that?

Yeah, I'm down.

Okay, cool.

I've had a lot of fun lately calling in asking for Banshoot.

It's quite the funny thing.

I don't know if you heard.

No, I haven't heard.

You know what, Ted?

Activate your ActiveX control, all right, man?

I heard it in the background.

What the fuck?

Hey, can I help you?

Oh, gone.

Order for takeaway.

Okay.

What are your hours, though, so it's not too late?

Close at 10 p.m.

Okay, so I'm in the clear here.

Yeah.

Do you have any?

Too late.

Okay.

Do you have a special menu today?

No.

The most popular dish we have on the menu is the chicken tikka masala.

See, everybody orders that, though.

Everybody orders chicken tikka masala.

Yeah, I want to be different.

What do Indian people eat?

Indian people like the black lentils, dal makhani.

Ah, yes, he does.

They like shahi pani.

Wait, did you say devil?

Shahi pani.

You said shaitan.

No, no, no.

Shaitan is devil, right?

No, no.

I don't know, sir.

What does Kuttara Recha mean?

Do you know?

One of my friends said that the other day.

I don't know. I don't speak Hindi. I have no idea.

Oh, you don't speak it. So you're not authentic, right?

It's like...

No, no.

What are you? Are you Bengali?

No, no, no. I'm from Brazil. My boss is from India. He's the owner here.

Talk to him.

He's not here right now.

No, you don't have any Indian guys there?

He's here, but he's very busy right now.

But I need to ask him questions about the food that only an Indian would understand.

Okay, you can call back if you want in about 10 minutes when he's not busy.

No, just pass him the phone. It's no big deal.

No, they do.

Hold on one second.

Okay.

I'm going to warn you.

I want to ask the Indians like the short time dish.

Know about that.

He said short time.

Okay, yeah.

Call Cafe Maharani and they can tell you best about the dish.

So if you don't have a number, I can give you the number for Cafe Maharani.

They can best explain you whatever dish are you asking about.

Okay?

Thank you.

What?

Would they get some beef?

Returning to main menu.

You have.

Please enter the phone number you would like to dial followed by the pound key.

That was, they got some beef at that other place.

Little does he know.

I have the number for Maharani.

I'm calling them right now.

As a matter of fact, goddammit, son of a bitch.

You think I couldn't do it, huh?

Don't know the answer from the Maharani Indian restaurant,

which apparently has some beef with the Bombay Indian restaurant.

We also have the India Cafe and the Curry House Coco Ichibanya,

which almost sounds like it's an Indian hybrid with Japanese.

Well, that's bad.

That's not good.

That's yellow onion.

yellow on yellow breeding that's not good tuck that's how uh tuck and uh ted her warnings about

the migrant fish grub said we'll wait until the indians and the chinese and the japanese

join together and what they're going to do to us and i think it's finally happening really

i'm gonna call the india cafe in hanaruru

india house right india cafe

Hello?

I'm having all kinds of computer issues this evening.

But I'd like to make a reservation for a large number of people.

Tonight?

Yes.

For when is this, sir?

GANDU.

My name is GANDU and my last name is BANTRAD.

Can you read that back to me?

My name?

You got it right?

G-A-N-D-U.

Sorry?

What is it?

It's GANDU BANTRAD, right?

Yeah.

So G-A-N-D-U.

Are you Indian?

Going on!

Who's this?

This is a joke.

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm not Indian.

Okay, this is a prank.

Please hang up, sir.

Returning to main menu.

You have one new message.

This is a prank.

You hang up, right?

Yeah.

So what's gandhu mean?

I know bhenchod, but what does gandhu mean?

Oh, that's horrible.

Ted, why would you say something like that?

Because I'm an evil, horrible person.

Jeez.

Okay, fuck it!

Well, that's what they get.

That's what they get for being gay.

Anyway.

Anyway, um, continuing on, would you like to continue with me here making prank calls?

Excellent.

I'm glad you do.

We got a ramen house.

Ramen noodles here at this place.

Fun.

Let's build something.

This is the Ayame Curry Ramen House.

I'll set this one.

Um, you can jump in if you want.

This is in Kaneohe, Hawaii.

Kaneohe, Hawaii.

Thank you, everybody.

Stand by.

Let's prank her tonight.

It's going right up.

Hey, John.

Can you, uh, relax the girl, eh?

Hmm?

Come on.

Let's have a drink, okay?

Come, baby.

Do-do-do-do-do.

Come on, bitch.

I'm a bitch.

I am calling numbers.

Milkman finally made it.

Milkman.

All right, man.

I tried to call you.

Hey.

What's up, man?

Ted's on the phone, and Tuck and Baz are also now.

Yes.

Who are you calling?

Ted?

Hello?

Nuno's sending in a number for a convention.

Yeah, I remember.

What number?

Anthron Con, he calls it.

You have reached Zafra, the nothing in cuisine place.

We are open for lunches, Monday, Tuesday, 10 a.m.

I bet Aloha was just so excited.

Thanks for the dinner.

Aloha.

We'll be here this Saturday from 5 p.m. to 9 p.m.

Yeah, what the...

Did they open for another hour?

Did you dial that, or was that...

I'm just random.

Oh, okay.

All right, cool.

Ted's dialing random numbers.

This is Madhouse Radio, 1219 a.m., July 3rd.

Hey, guys.

You agreed to a number that I think is connected on...

Who are you calling now, Ted?

I'm calling, like, 7-Eleven.

7-Eleven's where?

In the United States?

or Hawaii

or where exactly?

Hawaii, okay.

All right.

They have those in Hawaii.

He's got some hard-on

about Hawaii tonight.

Fuckin' Hawaii.

We got a Chi

Chiang Mai

Thai Cuisine

in Honolulu.

Honolulu.

Chiang

Chiang Mai

Thai Cuisine

is also in Honolulu.

We can call that also here, Ted.

I want to thank everyone

who is listening.

This is Madhouse Radio.

It is

madhouselive.com

for the website.

We'll be on for another

little bit longer here,

I believe,

and then I'm probably

going to call it quits.

So while I'm doing this,

It's fun collecting these numbers.

I'm good, man. I'm married.

You're married, too.

Yeah, we got married a month ago on Tuesday.

It was on May 30th, so we just had our one-month anniversary.

Nice.

Yeah, man, doing good.

Doing good.

It was quite hectic.

The marriage with the honeymoon was very relaxing.

We did a lot of getting away from everything and doing stuff we normally don't do.

It was really fun.

We were quite active throughout the honeymoon, and we even went to this place.

Dude, Ted, you would have loved it.

it um it's uh this guy this used to be a lawyer in new york and he came to puerto rico on a trip

and he saw this like old coffee plantation and he bought it and it's like really pristine really

beautiful and uh he teaches yoga now and people go out there to meditate or they go for honeymoons

and stuff like that and basically there's no radios no tvs allowed whatsoever on the complex

um you go there for 150 a night you get a little cabin on this mountain and it has a hammock and a

and it has a ceiling fan uh a working you know shower and bathroom and toilet and a bed and like

two lights and that's it and it's really simple and you don't hear any rackets as you know you're

in this rainforest sleeping at night and like um you they let you uh you can borrow books from

their library or board games if you want to play in your room and like foods all included and stuff

and like they have the running waters from like a river that's right next to it it's really cool

man you should like that stuff like that was really cool like we were going on a cruise and

that's where like everything's really loud and we're going to be catered and eating in excess

and stuff like that so we kind of grounded ourselves and went to this retreat up in the

mountains you know it was really cool we got to like you know live without anything it was just

Just, you know, no radio, no TV, no nothing, no computers, no internet.

It was just us and you just hanging out and enjoying our honeymoon.

It was really cool, man.

I should look into doing more stuff like that.

Like, I've heard people that do, like, silent meditation where they'll refuse to talk.

You know, for, like, three or four days, they'll do, like, a talking fast.

And I heard that it's really good for the body.

Not for the body, but for the mind.

Like, when you make yourself not talk or anything like that.

Well, the monks did that, right?

Didn't they, uh...

I think vows of silence.

Vows of silence and stuff like that, yeah.

Yeah, that was quite interesting.

Yeah, any suggestions for, you've been married for how long now?

Going on five years or something like that, right?

Going on nine years.

Nine years.

Any suggestions?

I mean, what do they say?

Never go to sleep angry.

That's one that everyone told me during the wedding reception and stuff.

You know, don't stop communicating.

Don't go to sleep, you know.

The best advice I can give is that every day you wake up,

you should rediscover something beautiful about the person.

That's right, that's right.

It doesn't happen automatically if you have to take that.

Yeah, you've got to use your tongue.

You need to forget the qualities that you...

You've got to use your tongue.

Are you ready for this?

Use your tongue and don't be afraid to use sexual toys.

Yeah, what were you saying?

Okay, there's nine 7-Elevens I'm calling right now.

Okay, let's do it.

Let's fuck it.

7-Eleven.

I'd like to leave a message in our general mailbox.

Please hold on to the line and the message will be delivered to the appropriate party.

Ted, what are you doing?

Hello?

Hello, 7-Eleven

Hello

Yes, hi, this is 7-Eleven conference call

Do I have any stores on the line?

Yes, this is

This is 7-Eleven

I'm 192

This is store 192

Are there any other stores on the line?

We've got 192 on the line

We're going to get the next store on the line

We have an urgent report from 7-Eleven

We have a problem with the slurping machines

We need to take a

7-Eleven, Wyman, I look down

This is Trix speaking, how may I help you?

Yes, ma'am

What store is this?

Wyman, I look down

What store number is this, please?

We have store 192

Is anybody else on the line?

I'm 543-54232.

Excellent.

Thank you.

That's too many numbers.

Okay, yes.

That's really too many numbers.

Y9, Y92.

Okay.

I have them here in the list, Franklin.

It's okay.

This is 7-Eleven Corporate.

We need you folks to shut down your slipper machines immediately.

There's been an immediate product recall.

Shut down our slipper machines?

Yes.

We just leave them off for now.

We'll put them in the cleaning cycle, if you wouldn't mind, please.

Okay.

So I just shut it down then and no selling slipper?

Yeah, there'll probably be another conference call tomorrow morning during business hours after 8 a.m.

Yes, hello?

This is the corporate office.

Can we please have your store number?

This is 7-Eleven Corporate.

Can we please have your store number, please?

Okay.

Franklin, can you check that off, please?

I can't see the panel.

Okay, ma'am.

That's an invalid number.

Hello, panel.

I have someone on the phone here saying it's a 7-Eleven corporate call

that we have to shut down all our slurpees.

No, no, not all of them.

They're calling every single 7-Eleven.

There's like 100 of them on the one side.

We need to shut down all our slurpees.

Ah, right, just the red.

Just the red.

I'm not on the phone this way.

I'm calling you for myself.

Ma'am, well, ma'am, this is ridiculous.

Yes, we just want you to shut down any.

What flavor slurpers do you have in?

Do you have cola?

What flavor slurpers do you have in use right now?

Yeah, we need to make sure.

We'll advise you if any of those can't be sold.

Coke, strawberry, pina colada.

Okay.

What is that flavor over in the middle?

I think they have more than the approved number of flavors.

I think we just need to shut down the Coke one, ma'am.

This is Valente in Franklin.

We're in Dallas.

What's your store number again?

54203.

That's an invalid store number.

No, that's fine.

54203.

Okay, if you could just please shut down your Coke dispensing until probably tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. we're going to call.

Okay, just the Coke.

Just the Coke.

Everything else is okay.

No Coke, please.

Okay, I'm going to hang up now.

Thank you.

No, wait a minute.

You need to unplug the ATM machine, too.

The ATM?

Yeah, you need to take the outlet that the ATM is plugged into, and you need to switch it with the Slurpee machine.

I'll do that.

Yeah, you just got to put some elbow grease into it,

and you'll figure it out, right?

Is this a joke?

No, this is corporate.

We don't joke about stuff like this.

So what I need you to do is I need you to take Slurpee,

the outlet that the Slurpee machine is plugged into,

and I need you to plug the cash register into that outlet

and then take the plug from the ATM

and plug it into the outlet that the Slurpee machine was previously plugged into,

and then...

Okay, well, first of all, you said the Slurpee and the ATM announced the cash register?

I'm going to hang up now.

Let's do some more of those

How many you called

You called nine of them at one time

Yeah I just hit the button

Just do it again

Just do one at a time

Because it sounded like hell on radio

But if you do one at a time

Or two at a time

Can you do that

Can you call some more

Just pick anywhere

Just pick random ones

Yeah let's do that

I want to get them to shut off

All their coke slurpees

Just have them shut off

The coke slurpees

I think that's fine

I think that's goal enough

Maybe we'll make the news here

like the people that made people break fire extinguishers, or the fire sprinklers.

Hello, yes, this is 7-Eleven.

Yes, sir.

Okay, good.

Hi, this is Valente.

I'm on the line with Franklin from Corporate in Dallas.

Could we please have your store number?

Yes, hi, this is Valente and Franklin.

We're calling from Corporate in Dallas.

Could we please have your store number?

54130.

Okay, Franklin, you got that?

Yes.

Okay, we're holding a conference call regarding a recall on the line right now.

Now, are you busy?

Can you mind holding, or should we just give you the instructions now?

I'm connecting the next store.

Okay, thank you.

We're connecting a few stores here to a conference call, sir.

We need you to stop.

Do you have your slobber machines in use, sir, or are they in cleaning mode right now?

Thank you for calling 7-Eleven, Hawaii.

Hello, sir.

Could not get that store on the line.

Is 5-4-3-0-1 on the line still?

Yeah, we still have 3-2-1 on the line.

5-4-3-2-1, all right.

Thank you.

This is Hello, sir.

Go ahead, Franklin.

Hi, this is Flynn from 7-Eleven Corporate.

Who am I speaking to?

Yes, sir.

We need you to stop dispensing immediately Coca-Cola-flavored Slurpee, please.

Stop dispensing Coca-Cola-flavored Slurpee, if you could, please, until further notice.

If you could just turn it off, put an outer order sign on top of it, on front of it,

and just try not to, you know, just put that flavor in the turn-off mode, you know, turn it off,

or put it in the cleaning mode, if you could, please.

What's going on?

I can't.

No, there's a product recall on all Coca-Cola Slurpees.

If you're listening to this call, this is Dallas.

This is corporate from Dallas, Texas, 7-Eleven corporate in Dallas, Texas.

There is a product recall on Coca-Cola flavored Slurpees.

If you are currently dispensing Coca-Cola flavored Slurpees,

we ask that you please put the machines in their cleaning mode or turn them off.

This is Valente and Franklin.

We're both calling from 7-Eleven corporate in Dallas.

May we have your store number, please?

Hello?

Yes, hello.

May we have your store number, please?

Hello?

May we have your store number, please?

6374225, who's there?

Okay, that's an invalid store number.

I need you to immediately stop your business.

I need you to shut down immediately.

That's an invalid store number.

May you and your assistant manager insert me?

Yeah, yeah.

Call 911, please.

Yeah, what's your store number?

5-4-2-6-1.

Well, do I know who I'm speaking to?

Still, I'm getting invalid store number. Is this a valid 7-11?

Who am I speaking with?

This is Franklin at the corporate office.

I'm running your store number through our mainframe database, and it's not coming up as a valid store.

Do we have an authorized to know what is the store number of the store?

Correct store number is...

The store is on the conference still.

So, please, sir, can you please give us your store number?

I know.

Yes.

Ted, terminate the call.

Terminating.

You think anything will take it seriously?

Dude, last time, remember we had them changing the price of the chicken nuggets to a dollar extra

and then no more meat in the burgers and throw salad.

I just want you to throw salad everywhere, all over the tables, the floor, the bathroom, the toilet.

I just want salad everywhere.

Oh, that was a great show.

The conference specials to the McDonald's

And the lady who finally figured it out

At the very end of the shit

You remember that?

Oh my god

That shit was funny

Oh man

I think we lost syndicate

I think stick cam

Crapped on us

I don't know if I got banned

Or what it was exactly

Let me try to

I wish I could shut off the ringing

Because that's like really

You should be able to shut off the ringing

The ringing noise

When you're ringing out

When I call someone

Like I should be able to

I'd be cool if you could replace it with a beep.

That'd be even more authentic.

You'd be like, beep, beep.

You know, something like that.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

You got more 7-Elevens?

Or you want to try something else?

I'm trying to find the sound.

Is this it?

I don't know if that's not it.

How do I shut off the ringing?

Shut off the ringing.

All right, well.

That's my echo.

That was me.

Don't worry about the ringing.

That's control.

You can say ring PC speaker instead.

There you go.

And then it won't ring on the phone machine, right?

On the thing, on the software.

Are you using software for this?

Are you using a handset or are you using software?

I'm using software, Ryan.

So you're connected to your computer, Ryan.

Thank you, ma'am.

Okay.

All right, so what's next?

I'm going to dial a number here, and I can do one.

I'm going to see if...

Oh, yeah.

There we go.

Don't make any noise.

Thank you for calling 7-Eleven.

I like that.

7-Eleven, this is 4-3-C-L-M-N-O-P.

Hey there.

Hi.

Do you have any sweets?

We serve sweets.

Yes, sir.

Do you have any cigarillos?

Pardon?

Do you have any cigarillos?

Like cigarettes, tobacco, like rolling?

They're like cigarettes, but they're illos.

They're illos.

Oh, yes.

The sweet, the sweet, the sweet.

Yeah, that's the one.

Do you have any that have marijuana in them?

No, sorry, sir.

Do you have any nigger toes?

What the hell is a nigger?

That's those Brazilian nuts, the yellow and black.

Is that the ulcer?

Yeah, do you have any of those hot, those pickled eggs that black people like to eat?

Do you have any of those pickled eggs that the black people like to eat, the brothers?

Yeah, do you have that?

Do you have the new, do you have the $9 large pizza that's ready in 1.5 minutes?

Yeah, prepaid minutes. That's the one.

You have them.

Uh-huh, prepaid.

No.

For one net. You got one net prepaid?

No, no we don't.

Do you have Verizon Pay as you go?

Yeah, we have Verizon.

Can I buy ringtones?

Okay, we have Verizon.

Uh-huh, yeah. Do you got ringtones for sale?

Okay.

Ringtones, I want to fix the ringtone

On my Verizon phone

You have Verizon, right?

You have Verizon?

Verizon

We have Verizon, yeah

Okay, so I want to buy ringtones

I want to buy the ringtones

You have Verizon, right?

Do you support the ringtone?

No, we sell the minutes

Well, you can translate the minutes

Oh, shit

You're stupid

She's got a ring machine, holy fuck

Yeah

Hey, woman

Okay

Hey, what color is your underwear?

What's mine, Verizon?

Yeah, 15.

You got to come find over here and you can pick which one.

No, but Verizon.

Can I check them for you?

We need Verizon minutes.

Give us Verizon minutes right now.

Please, credit to me.

All right, okay.

So you got to come find over here and buy it, okay?

Shut up.

You have the one party.

Maven's mentioning pickled onions, pig's feet, and nasty, smelly pickled eggs

are all available for you at your local Chevron station, everybody.

Everybody, be sure to check out Chevron, Chevron.com,

the sponsor of the second segment of the show tonight.

Also, you're home for Mad Dog alcohol, alcoholic beverage,

boiled peanuts, and very bad hot dogs.

Oh, they're nasty.

They're soggy, soggy as hell.

I could eat a whole can of pickles right now.

I could eat a whole jar of pickles, Ted, right now.

You know the night.

Who eats a pickle at, like, EDM?

No.

Nothing nasty, Ted.

But the night before the wedding, Ted, I ate a whole jar of pickles.

I was nervous, and I ate a whole jar of pickles by myself in the hotel room

while I was listening to music on the laptop.

Very, very nervous, Ted.

It was scary.

Were you scared?

How did you have a jar of pickles in the hotel room?

Andy was helping with the pickles.

I bought them.

There was a Kmart next door to the hotel.

I went down to the Kmart.

I bought a swimsuit.

I bought some pickles and Wheat Thins.

Awesome.

Wheat pits? Pickles?

Can you tell I was smoking weed?

No, I'm kidding.

No, hell no.

I was next door to my parents.

Barking the owl.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Seriously, were you nervous before your wedding?

The day of your wedding?

The night before your wedding?

Were your pins and needles?

Did you go to the JOP?

I don't remember if I was nervous.

Who married you?

Was it like a hippie guy?

That's what I'd imagine.

No, we actually got married in a regular Protestant church.

Protestant?

because that was, like, at the time,

that was, like, what all the families felt most comfortable with

was, like, a regular run-of-the-mill church.

Oh, okay.

If we had our way, we probably would have carried on a little bit.

Yeah.

I think the ceremony is more about other people.

Yeah.

At least we have.

True that, true that.

Yeah, so I don't know why we had a crash in the Stick M room,

but we're back in Stick M right now on syndicate radio.tv.

Hello, gentlemen.

I don't know.

Let's try to call one more.

Let's try to do one more conference call,

and I think I'm going to call it a night.

Ted and Milkman, where were you all this time?

Let Milkman talk for a little bit, Ted.

Milkman, where were you all this time, sir?

Were you working?

Yeah, I was training our new supervisor.

You were training the supervisor.

Yeah, go ahead.

Engage, number one.

Go ahead and make the calls, please.

Hey, Armando.

Yeah.

Can you please tell Ted I need to talk to him, man?

Milkman needs to talk to you, Ted, as soon as possible, he said.

No, it'll be like two seconds.

Please enjoy this call, Ted, while we connect you.

He's calling you now, Milkman.

Answer the phone.

Oh, that's pretty fast, huh?

Actually, they're coming to take my mug, man.

Hey, Milkman.

Milkman, you on the line?

What?

Hey, man.

Ted's got you on the line at the conference here.

Hey, man.

Good, no, man.

All right.

How you doing, bro?

Hey, I've been thinking about you and wondering how you've been.

Oh, man.

I went into a cave so I could finish my graduate degree.

Oh, cool, man.

Cool, and you're playing.

Did you see Llama Aladdin in there?

Did he what?

Did you see Llama Aladdin in there?

Did he play a little bit?

He's a big moron, man.

I can't deal with what he's talking about.

Somebody's braiding a beard.

Yeah, Llama Aladdin, right?

Yeah, he was in the cage with you.

Milkman is so high.

All right, Ted, let's do another 7-Eleven call,

and we're going to hang up on Nicole Hoogers.

Ted, seriously, man, I wanted to get with you after the show, man.

You know, let me out to the show, though, if you ever want me.

I'm on this machine with a print Windows install, nothing but the bare essential.

And as time goes on, I start installing shit again, and it's going to become like it was before.

It's inevitable.

Right, right, right.

Do you think that I can...

What the fuck do I want to hear that shit for?

Hang on.

Let's see if I can get something else running for me.

Well, I have a conversation about Windows Vista and gay shit.

I'm going to actually do print college there, fucker.

What do you think this is?

Nerdly nerd in a nerd hour?

That'd be Tuck's show.

You know, he talks about Macs and how beautiful Macs

and the Mac this and Mac daddy.

He's kind of a little bitch.

I ain't saying anything you don't want to share at all.

Yeah, let's do it with some of those of you.

Since a minute.

Shut up, shut up, you shut up.

You make me sick.

Oh.

I want to hear about Windows XP.

Chiang Mai, may I have you?

Hi, Chiang Mai.

Chiang Mai Thai restaurant, may I have you?

Chiang Mai Thai, excellent.

I want to make an order for food, please.

Food machine.

Okay, sure.

You have bhenchod there?

Have what?

Bhenchod.

Okay, bhenchod.

Okay, what about warm plates?

Are the plates warm?

What are you talking about, sir?

I want a warm plate, please.

I want a warm plate.

We don't have warm plates.

I want a warm plate of food.

You going to give me cold food or is it going to be warm?

What, you want to take out or that's what you want?

I want warm food.

Can you put it on the plate?

Yeah, warm plate.

Take it out.

Warm plate to go.

You want to go?

Warm plates, yeah.

We don't have warm plates.

No, warm.

Like the temperature, warm, you know?

You understand?

I understand what you're saying, but we don't have that.

Well, what do you have, cold plate?

Yeah, what kind of dish do you want, sir?

Warm, I want them warm, warm plates.

Like what?

Dishes, warm.

Do you have anything that's warm?

I don't know.

Returning to main menu, you have one new menu.

What is wrong with the word holistic?

How does that even hang?

I don't know.

I'm going to disconnect you guys for now.

Maybe you guys can call back, all right?

Yeah, we're bad.

I'll swear to myself, I'm bad pranking.

You're a bunch of...

Hey, you guys get out and do the show,

and Ted, you sit in your hall, and then you get up and get down.

There, there, there, there, there, there, there.

Ryan, terminate the call, please.

All right, guys, go back to the computer.

I'm going to shut up, man.

Shut the fuck up, Milkman.

Shut up.

Shut up your mouth.

Motherfucker, you.

I'm Milkman.

I weigh 500 pounds.

I'm Milkman.

Jesus.

All right, I'm going to take a quick break here.

You're going to play a prank call for a little bit.

Anyway, I'm going to do a quick break here.

Please don't go anywhere, anybody.

This is going to be like five, just about five minutes.

Just a moment.

Enjoy this prank call from last year.

Is this the Egyptian place?

That is correct.

What's the deal with those kebabs you got there, man?

Excuse me?

What's that stuff you put in them kebabs?

This stuff is good, man.

The kebabs?

Kebabs, yeah.

You know you got the meat sticks?

Yeah, those things are good.

What kind of spices do you put in them?

Ah, those are secret recipes, man.

No, you can give it to me.

I'm not really quite sure.

You can give it to me.

It's all right, man.

I'm not going to tell nobody.

It's not that secret.

It's probably like a tradition.

What do you guys use?

Do you use spices?

Nutmeg.

I bet you got a lot of nutmeg.

There are spices that they use.

You put some nutmeg in it?

Ah, no.

Nutmeg, they actually use it to make with the duck, the buffalo corn.

No, I don't like that shit.

I'm talking about the meat kebab.

Meat kebabs, that's what I'm talking about.

That's where it's at, brother man.

Right on.

Yeah.

So, is it customary to have to take your shoes off when you come in there?

Because my friend was telling me if I come in, I have to take my shoes off and all this stuff.

I'm like, I'm not going to put my feet where those dirty people are and stuff.

Nah, no need to do that here.

Would you eat food off the floor where you're at right now?

Nah, we don't eat food off the floor.

We've got tables.

Because you've got nasty stuff there.

Like, if I had said to you, I will give you $500 Madhouse dollars,

and you were to actually sit on the floor and eat your meal off the floor, no plate,

like you had to put the, what's your favorite thing to eat there?

Favorite thing to eat here?

Yeah.

Ah, the kutumishway is really good.

What's that like?

It's minced leg of lamb, brown leg of lamb.

Okay.

With some mint and garlic.

Do you have the Egyptian, do you have white steak?

No white steak.

You know what white steak is?

Never heard of it.

I had it in Israel once.

I figured you guys would carry it, too.

It's like this thinly cut pork.

You slice it really thin on the backside, you know?

Nah, the Muslims don't eat pork, man.

Yeah, but you guys can make it, though.

You have a pork license, sir?

Nah, there's no sort of pork in this house.

Well, is this something where I can't even bring pork or anything like that?

No pork whatsoever on the menu.

What if I bring it in, though?

What if I bring bacon bits for my...

Do you have salads there?

Nah, there are salads.

Can I put bacon bits on my salad if I come in with them?

It's not recommended to bring in outside food.

No, it's not outside.

It's an outside condiment.

I'm allowed to do that.

It's a condiment, sir.

It's bacon bits.

When you go to a grocery store, where do you find bacon bits?

In the condiment aisle, right?

I usually never look or try to start altercations.

Well, the last time I went to the grocery store,

the bacon bits that I got were in the condiment aisle.

That's not the food aisle.

That's condiments.

So, I think it's a, I mean, am I going to get roughed up at the door

if I try to bring in my own bacon bits or something like that?

Well, it's usually not recommended to bring food in from outside the restaurant.

What if I, can I bring my own limes in?

Sir, may I ask where this phone call is going?

It's asking, I'm going to make reservations,

but I need to make sure that you people in Up and Up,

I have special requirements for myself.

How many people in the party for you?

It's going to be myself, my son, who is going to be graduating from Flight Academy,

and my ex-wife, my ex-wife.

And when are you looking to join us?

It's going to be tomorrow, Friday.

Now, I want to make sure.

Here's another thing I was reading in this paper.

Let me tell you something.

This is called, it says here, Radical Islam, Eating Purposes, I think something like that.

It says here that menstruating women are not supposed to be near men.

Would that be a problem if my ex-wife, in this case, was possibly menstruating?

Would that be accepted?

You know what, man? I can't help you.

Well, it says here specifically that the menstruating woman is hanging out,

but that's a valid question.

It says in their Korana there.

Come here, I'll help you.

Hello.

Who's talking?

Who is talking now?

No, who was talking before who was rude to me and hung up the phone?

I don't think he was rude to you.

He was just trying to answer your questions.

That was my waiter.

He made bad noises with the mouth, and he hung up the phone.

He made something under his breath.

He went like that, and it was a bad...

I think he said a bad word to me.

He didn't say any word.

I was sitting right there listening to the whole conversation.

When he hung up the phone, he thought it was hung up,

and he made something under his breath that was a bad word.

Bad words came out of his mouth.

That's not nice.

Hey, crazy fucker.

Hey, what happened to your show, man?

Crazy fucker.

What happened to your show?

You're on the air, crazy fucker.

How you doing?

I ain't no being on the air, man.

You ain't going nowhere, man.

Oh, no, the syndicate chat room is crashing.

I don't know why.

I'm working on it.

Fuck.

We're on everywhere else, though.

Don't worry about it.

What was up with you?

What do you want?

How many of you don't eat cherries?

What do you want?

You're eating cherries, huh?

Yeah, man.

You like cherries?

You like fruits?

Fuck, man.

This is just a fight, man.

Man, you're down eating cherries like the birds in the trees, huh?

And the fucking worms in the ground, man.

Fuck yeah, man.

Fuck that.

Fuck, I eat meat, dude.

Dude, I eat fucking buffalo.

Buffaloes, huh?

Yeah, I eat buffalo.

Yeah, you like chuck meat?

You like chuck meat?

Meat?

Now you said you eat meat.

No, I eat fucking meat, but I don't eat.

Do you save any money?

I don't eat fucking meat.

Sometimes, I know you do.

No, I don't go to window.

You're a crazy fucker.

When do you get a hanker?

What do you like?

You like pizza?

What?

You like pizza?

No, I like fucking chicken mouth, grub, chicken mouth.

Okay, whatever.

What else is going on?

What's going on in the conspiracy circles these days?

I don't know about no conspiracies.

What's a conspiracy?

The fact that America's becoming a fucking, like, worse than Nazi Germany and Red China and the Soviet Union put together?

Is that a conspiracy?

Yeah, I don't buy it.

You Republicans always find something to go against.

Oh, man, don't call me a fucking Republican.

You know that.

Man, I'm the guy who told you George W. Bush was a piece of shit, cock-fucking-fucking-faggot, right?

But now you jump ship.

Yeah, don't call me a Republican.

You changed Republican.

You're a Republican.

You know what I am?

Should I call you a fucking sand nigger because you're a Puerto Rican?

I'm not a sand nigger.

If I called you a fucking sand nigger, it'd be the same thing as you calling me a fucking Republican.

I'm a spick.

I'm not a sand nigger, you dumbass.

A spick?

Yeah.

You're going between a spick and a fucking sand nigger.

A sand nigger's a terrorist.

A spick is a wetback.

That's me.

Well, who's the worst?

Who's the worst?

Terrorists, I think, are worse.

Sand niggers are worse, right?

You're fuckin' a terrorist?

So you agree with me that that fuckin' sand nigger in the White House is a fuckin' terrorist,

right?

He's a Christian.

Oh, he's a Christian.

Kenya, communist.

Kenya is in Africa.

It isn't in Saudi Arabia.

It's not in the Arabian Sea.

Right, right.

And you don't think a fucking...

Wait a minute.

There's no desert in Kenya.

It's all African savannah and jungle.

So he can't be a sand-migger, right?

Aren't you wrong?

Yeah, hold on.

Well, okay, if he's a jungle bunny, then, okay, let me rephrase it.

Is your president of the United States of America a fucking jungle bunny?

Spear-chucking, faggot, cock-head, kid, fucking lion piece of shit.

Can you agree with me on that?

He's an American, I think, in his agreement.

Well, everything he's fucking said is a fucking lie.

while the United States of America is being ripped out.

Look at these churches, Jacob.

Well, what a nigger, cocksucker, nigger, motherfuckers.

Who should be president of the United States?

I don't think anybody should be president of the United States.

Trust these people to be able to run themselves with normal...

Fuck no, man! Fuck no!

There's one half of one percent...

So let's say...

And they are keeping you...

You've got to take a break.

One more question, we've got to go.

Exactly right.

Are you the...

You heard him.

Are you the...

Sorry.

We're going to call a hooker.

Let's get dirty.

Mr. Gomes, do you have a place to play gambling?

Casino?

No, sir.

Do you want to play gambling?

I don't think you know him.

Hey, is this Nikki's Escorts?

Yes, it is.

Hey, I'm in town in Orlando.

I'm at the Gaylord Palms.

I was looking for some company, Menace Valente.

Okay, well, it's $175 an hour for the girl to come out.

That includes a lingerie show and a body rub, and then the girls accept tips also.

Now, the body rub, what does that entail? Do I have to have underwear on?

Well, that's really up to the girl's discretion.

So she could show no underwear, or she could show how to wear underwear?

You know, those kind of things are really up to their discretion.

Okay, all right, so what do I got to do to get someone down here?

I would get your telephone number, room number,

and then they would give you a call back, confirm everything, and then head over.

The number is 407.

You coming?

Do you have older ladies or how old are they?

I do.

Like how old?

Well, I do have one lady that's in like her late 30s, early 40s.

That's it?

She's the only one that's older.

Most of the other girls are in their mid to late 20s, early 20s.

Does she look kind of 40-ish?

Okay, what now?

Does she look kind of 40-ish?

Does she look older?

I mean, I don't know.

I mean, she's older, but she doesn't really look...

Okay, well, you've got to call me back.

Okay, and what's your name again?

This is Valente.

Valente?

V-A-L-E-N-T-E.

First name?

That's my last name.

Last, okay.

And the telephone number?

407-45...

Cell phone, or is this the number to the hotel?

That's my cell.

Okay, and you said you're staying at the Gaylord Palms?

Right.

Okay, and what's the room number?

This is room number 122.

Cash attached to that?

Cash, of course.

Will they eat with me?

Okay, what now?

Will they eat with me if I get room service, or would they be willing to sit down and have a meal?

You would have to ask the individual girl.

All right, so who's going to call me back, you, or what's the deal?

Okay, the girl that you choose would call back.

Were you looking for somebody specifically older?

Did you want to hear about the younger girls also?

Older girl, is she a big girl?

She's not.

She's more towards the slim side.

Do you have any big girls?

I do.

That would be Mercedes.

She's 5'7", long red hair, green eyes.

38C3038

She's in her early 20s

Alright, yeah, let's talk to her

I will have her call you in just a few minutes

Goodbye

We'll wait for the big girl to call in

I have no idea what's going to happen here

But it's going to happen

Yes, hello, is this the woman?

I tried calling you, but you didn't answer

This is Mercedes

Hey, Mercedes, yeah

The lady said that you were the big girl

Yeah, I'm full figured

You're fat

She said, she was, oh yeah

I said, I'm one of the big girls

Oh, she's so fat

She said that you were really fat

That you were big

that you maybe didn't shave your legs and stuff like that.

What are you talking about?

No, because I said that I wanted a really big girl, like a really nasty girl,

and she said that you were, like, the best person for that.

I'm not big and nasty.

I'm, like, a medium size.

I'm not fat and disgusting.

Why do you say that?

Because I was looking for that, and she said, yeah,

that she definitely has someone who, you know, didn't have,

you know, who looked a little nasty.

I asked her for that.

She said, oh, yeah, I've got a girl.

I think she said Mercedes.

I wrote down the name.

I don't know if that was you or not.

Okay.

Okay, so, um, yeah, but I shaved my legs just so, you know, I'm not dirty like that.

Oh, do you have any bruises?

Um, probably.

Yeah, I guess.

Okay.

Yeah, I do.

Do you have any scars?

Yeah, I have a scar on my stomach.

I had a surgery.

Oh, you had a baby?

No, I had a gallbladder surgery.

Oh, yeah?

Were you throwing up?

Was I throwing up?

Yeah, after the surgery, I was.

No, I threw up before, and they said I had gallbladder stones.

Right, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, oh, was I throwing up before?

Yeah, before I threw it, that's when I knew I had them.

I kept throwing up.

I couldn't keep their food down here.

That's fucking nuts, right, how that works like that?

Yeah, I had my gallbladder out last year, though.

So 20 years to have it out there left a stupid scar on my stomach.

What about you still have your appendix?

I almost lost that the other day.

I'm going to take my appendix out, but I said I needed it.

Are you serious?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I'm not getting rid of that thing.

We have an appendix.

You're not nasty fat?

Because she was sure.

She's like, oh, yeah, definitely this girl you're going to talk to.

she's you know i'm a bigger girl but i'm not like sloppy i'm very clean and very well kept i'm not

fat and disgusting no well how many pounds you weigh 80 185 185 and you're how tall five seven

yeah you could lose some weight i think i mean you agree you could do so lose some weight right

yeah i mean yeah i want to be smaller of course but yeah i'm fine with them yeah i know so anyway

the reason i was calling is because i um i was offering for fat girls um the metafast system

I wanted you to try it out for two or three weeks.

It's simple shakes, eggs for the morning, egg powder you can make, and simple, decent diet.

Dinner for the afternoon and the evening, and if you work, maybe you can do like 30 minutes.

Do you like cardio?

You called an escort service for an escort.

Did you call to tell me I need to lose weight or something?

I'm calling for fat girl, like, you know, fat girls like you.

I'm full figure.

I'm not fat.

I'm just full figure.

Well, full figure is fat.

Full figure is fat.

I mean, you can't have fat without F.

Full figure has F.

Okay, so do you not like fat girls or anything?

I mean, I was looking to talk to one just to, you know, I thought maybe I'd talk to you, you know.

Have you thought about what it could do to your health?

Do you smoke?

No, I don't.

You might as well smoke cigarettes if you're going to be fat, fatty, fatty, fat, fat.

You're a fucking retard.

If you ever call my phone again, I swear to fucking God.

Well, you call me first.

I have you on my computer machine that you call me first.

On my phone, I call our name.

You called our escort service, so please do not call my phone back.

You are so full of shit.

Like, seriously, you're a fucking piece of shit.

Like, I love myself, so maybe you need to get yourself checked, for real.

No, but I asked specifically for a fat girl, and they said that you were going to put one on,

and you told me you're not fat, so I'm kind of upset here, because I don't have time to be dealing with you.

I'm full figured. I'm not fat and sloppy like you're asking for. I'm full figured.

Are you looking for an escort?

Then what did you call?

Are you looking for an escort or not?

I'm looking for a fat girl escort, not some, you know, wannabe.

Okay, well, maybe you need to look elsewhere, because obviously I'm not fat and sloppy like you want.

Well, who's the real fat girl at the company that I didn't get?

You are.

I'm not a girl, though.

You sound like one.

No, I have a penis, so I'm looking at it right now.

What would you, how would you know?

You're not even here.

How would you know?

How would you know that I have a penis or not?

That I'm not a girl.

What's this?

I don't know, but I don't sound like a girl.

Oh, look at me.

I pulled it out of my ass.

Good for you.

Returning to main menu.

You have two new messages.

To listen to your message.

Fat girl.

Is that from a delivery?

Um, no, not from outside.

Inside, I had asked the front desk for something, and they were going to ask housekeeping.

What is it that you're looking for, ma'am?

Well, it's a certain toiletry, actually.

Is it a feminine product?

Yes, it's a feminine product.

So you need to get a douche up there immediately, correct?

A what?

A douche of some sort?

No, just a container of feminine products, a small box.

Are you having, like, your menstrual cycle?

Perhaps you need some tampons.

Yes, exactly.

See, well, why don't you just stuff a whole roll of paper towels up there for now,

and we'll get somebody immediately on it.

Okay, now we have a number that's forwarding to the request.

What is this now, Milkman?

Well, explain this shit to me.

Who's forwarding a number to what other number in Ecuador?

What's this?

Why don't you pay attention?

That's a trap.

Who's this test to you anyway?

Anyway, I don't know who this person is from Peter.

Who is it?

Is it a legitimate person?

How do I know that I'm...

It's Peter.

Call is two cents per minute.

Cusses, calls, bullshit.

Bullshit.

What did I tell you?

Hello?

Yes, of course.

It's Michael Blair, though.

Who's speaking, please?

This is Valente.

I need to speak with Michael Blair.

Don't do this to me, please.

This is Tom.

Just a moment, folks.

I'm sending out the next prank call right now.

Thank you.

I'm ready to wrap things up here.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

All right.

Anyway, while we're doing this,

I just want to talk about some...

Speaking of the fatso thing, the Toledo Blade reported that the mayor of Toledo was captured on video breaking up a fight in some park.

A bunch of teenagers are fighting.

The mayor of the city jumps in to break it up and calls the kid a fatso.

Now he's in trouble.

Mayor Finkbeiner, 70 years old, was captured on video intervening and breaking up a fight at Highland Park,

during which he's heard calling a teenage boy fatso and tubby.

Come here, fatso, the mayor shouted at the boy in the undated video that was posted on YouTube.com.

Very nice.

So apparently now he's in trouble about it.

The disturbing thing is the kid only weighs 80 pounds.

And they show a picture of the kid.

He doesn't look that fat, motherfucker.

He doesn't look fat.

I mean, he doesn't look fat.

I share the article, but I just don't have time to do that right now.

But, yeah, the guy isn't a big kid.

He's not like your skinny kid calling him fat, though.

It's strange.

Yeah, exactly.

Imagine that.

City council attorney was found sleeping in an overturned garbage can.

That's right.

I don't like these.

Jefferson attorney Larry Wilder was found asleep by police

in his neighbor's overturned city garbage can Wednesday morning

after neighbors called police when they woke to find their trash strewn on the ground

and a man inside the receptacle.

Police Chief Tim Derringer said Wilder was cooperative when police arrived at the home

and was able to walk back to his home next door.

His son and daughter, both adults, were home and able to take care of him from there.

No arrest was made.

Although police records describe him as a code for intoxicated or unarrival,

no breath alcohol, sobriety test was administered.

It's enough for his discretion whether or not to do it, apparently.

So apparently he took all the trash out of the garbage can

and laid the trash can on its side and laid down inside of it.

imagine that no that's wow i don't know why i would decide to i don't know why he would decide

to oh man i got a soup in his trash can right here dumbass something i didn't really know was

illegal well i guess it is a man's accused of using one of those fake dicks you know to to

pass a drug test this one's called the whizzer a device connected to a bag of room temperature

urine and a bit to beat a urine analysis test well apparently uh he was on probation already

felony probation so he was smoking the weed probably or something like that and he wore it's

It's like a jockstrap with this ceramic dick on it and a bag of weed.

You can put a bag of sterilized urine.

There's like urine powder.

You can buy urine powder that's clean urine.

Or you can get a friend to pee for you.

And he got caught with it, and now he's facing serious trouble.

I don't know.

Is it illegal to do that?

If it's not for your parole officer, et cetera, like this guy here,

Is it illegal if I try to use it to pass a drug test for a job?

Apparently so.

They can't arrest you for that.

You're not breaking a law.

What's the law that says you can't do that?

Like, you can't get arrested.

That's not what the law is where you live.

If they go to get a job, okay, let's say I got a new job,

and I went to apply for the job, and I took a piss test, and I failed it, let's say,

for marijuana use or something.

They're not going to call the police on me and come pick me up and arrest me

because I can't do that.

All they can do is they can kick you out.

Can you ever come back to try again without using?

That shit's expensive.

I can't believe so many companies drug test us as they do.

And a police officer quit in Tarpon Springs.

I'm going to be headed there tomorrow, actually, probably.

Police officer Jeffrey Robinson of Tarpon Springs

says he encountered a barrage of racial slurs

when he drove a homeless man to the Pinellas County Jail

and then he destroyed his bike.

And he lost his job for it.

Apparently he's seen on camera wheeling the...

Sounds like a typical cop to me.

What is the big deal?

I know.

He wheeled the bike off a camera at the jail

and it was working normally

and when he wheeled it back

the tires were deflated

and the frame was all bent.

Poor old homeless man.

Well, the homeless guy

was calling him racist words though

and he's a black cop

so what are you going to do?

He's got to be a man.

You can't let him get away with that.

Get away with that.

Then all the other inmates

start saying,

oh, we can get away

with Officer Leroy Johnson.

You know what I mean?

And we can't have that.

All right, I'm going to call it a night.

I'm leaving.

It's 1.30.

It's time to go.

Milkman!

Are you there?

Take us out of here, please.

Take us out of here, Milkman, please.

Please, thank you.

Check the mic.com.

I'm out.

All right, Milkman, you're doing the thing with your mic again.

Milkman is drunk.

Milkman, you're tucking really far away from the mic.

What?

He's drunk.

Milkman, I'm mute.

I'll try it instead.

Try to fix that now.

I want to thank Milkman for being on the show tonight, finally making it late.

Ted Webb was also here, as well as Bonnie Facey.

Coke and he sent the news articles.

Crazy fucker Jonathan called in, and Hollywood Vanya called in with some prank calls.

Of course, Ted also held out with that.

Tuck never calls in.

Milkman, how's your voice now?

How do you sound?

I want to thank Lonesome Loser also for checking in today.

Lonesome Loser, big guy, big man, big loser.

Test Yo for sending in the numbers for the hookers, etc.

Okay, so apparently this is 206 number 4.

I'll call the stupid Ecuador number.

We're going to call Ecuador here for Test Yo.

And what else can I say?

That's us, Madhouse Radio, doing our thing.

Doing one last prank call before we call it a night

Recall

So this is an American number that apparently

Apparently forwards to a number in Ecuador

Answer

Checkingbike.com, I'm out

See you, Tuck

We'll have to try it next week again

Sit at the fort again next week, kid

I'm sorry it took so long to try it, but

I was just kidding that I thought it was a trap

I know you were

Bye everybody, we'll catch you next week

Thank you

MadhouseLive.com is the website

Calls (32, 1 h 21 min of 2 h 28 min)

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